Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - GGACP Classic: Bob Saget

Episode Date: January 20, 2022

Gilbert, Frank and the GGACP team remember our friend Bob Saget with this classic episode from 2020, featuring a spirited discussion about celebrity roasts, the perseverance of Rodney Dangerfield, the brilliance of Cloris Leachman, the understated genius of Martin Mull and his popular podcast, “Bob Saget’s Here For You.” Also, Norm Macdonald reads a joke book, Jack Warden plays it old school, Gilbert jams with Robin Williams and Bob sneaks into a taping of “The Mary Tyler Moore Show.” PLUS: Lionel Atwill! Don Rickles meets Denzel Washington! Johnny Carson babysits! The cinema of Larry Cohen! The return of “Dummy in the Window”! And Cesar Romero makes a play for Bob’s mom! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Here's another Gilbert and Franks Colossal classic Hi, this is Gilbert Gottfried and this is Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal show with my co-host Frank Frank Santopadre. And our guest this week is returning to the show for more abuse after having appeared with us way back in 2015. He's an actor, writer, author, director, occasional musician, a podcast host, and one of the funniest and most provocative comedians of his generation.

You've seen him in feature films like Half-Baked, Critical Condition, Dumb and Dumberer, Meet Wally Sparks. I was in that. Please don't read my IMDb. It's embarrassing. Just stop. Just say who it is. We're friends for 40 years.

Just say my name. I swear to God, my credits. I'll kill myself, Gilbert. Gilbert, it's COVID. Stop with the credits. You've seen him in films that no one saw. Gilbert, at least do the last paragraph. Okay.

I directed Dirty Work, Gilbert. That's on there. Well, just say here, whatever, whatever Frank says. But I want to say you were also in the aristocrats. That's, yeah. I've heard of. You're responsible for it, you crazy bastard. Well, you you're responsible for it. Yeah.

And you'll do the last paragraph. OK, his new podcast is called Bob Saget's here for you. And he doesn't know it yet, but he's going to tell us the story about Rodney Dangerfield and porn star Ron Jeremy. Please welcome back our old friend, the man, the legend, and the only other person besides yours truly on this show who's ever portrayed Abraham Lincoln, our pal Bob Saget. That's true portrayed Abraham Lincoln. Our pal Bob Saget. That's true. Thank you.

Daniel Day-Lewis did a job not as good as my roast of Abraham Lincoln. You were sensational. Oh, it happens. You know, it was all Jeff. I just sat there, took abuse like usual, and other people got the credit. Actually, I forgot the name of the amazing comedian that did Harriet Tubman. She crushed it. The one that I was on.

Gilbert, you were on one of them. Were you Adolf Hitler? I was Hitler. That's nice. And I roasted Anne Frank. That's really good. That's good. It adds to the resume.

It stays in context with the rest of your work. I liked it because it was tasteful. I agree. I would say something really foul right now, but I can't. I just tweeted something I'm going to get in trouble with. I said, is it a bad doctor? Because I just had to get a covid test because I'm doing a television show on Friday. had to get a COVID test because I'm doing a television show on Friday. So they wanted to come to my house three days before I do the television show, which means I could definitely get COVID by French kissing a UPS driver tomorrow. But they don't care. They just wanted it today. And I wrote in Twitter, is it a bad doctor? Because the swab is supposed to go in your

penis hole, right? So I'll probably be banished from Twitter. And I don't think most people call it a penis hole. I think they say urethra. Probably. Probably. Medical people. Well, you were almost a doctor. You should know this stuff.

I was. I was a proctologist just on corners. It was a side job. I set it up as a Punch and Judy puppet show, and people would just put their butt up into the curtains, and I'd just go in. How are you doing? What's going on with you guys?

Well, I remember for a while, we were sending each other emails back and forth. Yes. And each one got more dirty and perverse than the last one. Yeah, we can't say any of it. Yeah. And we both had the idea, let's put this out as a book. Yes.

And it was going to be my conversations with Gottfried, like my conversation is with God. Yeah, I think you are going to call it. I sent it to my manager. Go ahead. I think you are going to call it Tuesdays with Gottfried. That would have been good. Yeah. I think that would, we could do a whole series of books that will put us in prison.

It would definitely ruin whatever else we've tried to ruin with our careers. And my manager read the emails and said, you need to destroy these. They're not on my server, but I have them saved on a hard drive somewhere. So one day in 30 years when everything is PC doesn't matter anymore, we can release this to an entire society of just derelicts, just terrible, horrible, perverted people that think that's the rule of law. We have to wait 30 years, Bob.

Yeah, it's really that bad. Because Bob, unlike me, is worried about preserving his career. Gilbert, you did something lovely in your documentary, which people should see. What's it called? Gilbert.

How'd you come up with the name? But you did a hell of a business for miniature toiletry products, and it really was a good plug. And I just think people should see that because that you're just a sweetheart. And you do what I do, which is we say the unthinkable because life's so painful. The option is we sit there and actually have the feelings and cry all day. So instead, we talk about doing horrible things to people that are the kindest people. You know, that's where we say things you shouldn't say. You know, we were the kids, the first people that would hear,

God forbid, a Helen Keller joke back in the day in elementary school. And we told those jokes and we were wrong. But it's only because it's so horrible. It was like I'm the first person that would go help. You wouldn't do this, but I would help a person with Helen Keller's problems because I would, you know, she was a genius. She was she she went through a lot more than you or I. I mean, I wish you were blind and deaf and dumb. I'm saying I'm saying I wish you were the new Helen Keller. I'm saying I wish you were the new Helen Keller. Where did the darkness in your sense of humor come from, Bob?

In part from your dad who would tell you dirty jokes at dark moments? Well, it was part that, but also when you're five, I was just talking about this in my podcast. I call people sometimes. I talk to people. Gilbert, I need to have you on my podcast. So we'll talk about that soon. OK, then it's fine. You can't do it, but it's video as well. So you'll need to be looking at me. I know it's hard for you, but you're going to need to unsquint. I know that just your eyes are very, very, you know, you've got an issue with the sun. You picked a great career with spotlights in it to stand right there.

Obviously, you have sensitive eyes. I think Mitch Hedberg tinted glasses should have come your way 10 years ago. Yeah, you should go on stage like George Shearing, Gil. I think Roy Orbison. I mean, you hold on to that mic with two hands because you can't see anything and you're afraid the ship's going to sink. So I truly suggest that you get some kind of tinted contacts or realize that you're chosen field once you're allowed to go out

and perform again. I know you will. I want to get those glasses that both Dean Martin and Ed McMahon wore late in their careers. Oh, the old Swifty Lazard numbers. Yes, yes. Yeah, the big ones. Yeah, the Freddy DeCordova glasses. The giant Lou Wasserman. Yes.

Yes, you should have them. And they should be made of lead so it pulls you to the bottom of the ocean when they throw you in. How about a monocle like Bud Friedman, Gil? Bud's okay, right? Yeah, I hope so. Yeah. We know him a long time. Oh, God, yeah.

He's in a wheelchair now, so if you're in here by the dock, if you're sitting on his lap, I'd push you both in. Bob, do you remember meeting Gilbert for the first time, and was it at the improv? I think it might have been at a... Or a catch? I think it was at a sperm bank, and he was

a receptacle. No, I think because of the height, he and I got along great. I think it was it was a catcher. I was a catch. Yeah, it was catch. And he had he had the Jew fro. And oh, yeah. And I had a bouffant. I had a big old bouffant that looked like I work in the clinical area of an administrative doctor's office. I don't know what I'm saying, but I had a big, big old hair. I remember hanging out with you at some hotel in L.A. I was doing something for Aladdin and you were doing something for Full House. And a waiter walked by with a dessert wagon. And in the middle of the conversation, you said, oh, hold on a second, Gilbert.

And you turned around and farted on the dessert wagon. No, I didn't. You did. I did not. I'm not capable of doing that. Are you sure? Gilbert, I didn't. I don't fart in public.

How old? This is a long time ago. So this is like 25 years ago? Yeah, so this was, you had that town back then. Oh, you know what I remember? It was a carrot cake, but I turned it into Black Forest cake. I freckled the cake. I don't think I did that.

You sure it was not Lovett, somebody that we know would do that? Maybe it was the Olsen twins. I think. No, don't start that again. You know how much trouble you buy the way. By the way, Gilbert, you have caused me some trouble because I will post something sweet about, you know, about kids or being a father or something nice on my Instagram or on my Twitter. And the response is, and on YouTube, I'll talk about stuff on my podcast, and they'll say young people actually believe what your bit was at my roast of Comedy Central. 1990.

Central. And 1990, this is how stupid people are, is they don't know irony, sarcasm or the wickedest thing is the thing you say to the nicest person. Now, you're finding humor in this. And at the time at the Rose, I was like, oh, oh, God, this is funny because we're all the bad boys club. And it's Norm MacDonald sitting there and Jeff Garlin, a lot of our friends, Jim Norton, people that we cared about. And Cloris Leachman, Cloris Leachman and Susie Essman and a lot of wonderful friends of ours. And everybody's laughing because it's the worst thing. What's the worst thing you can say? because it's the worst thing. What's the worst thing you can say? Well, the times have changed. So anybody that's listening that has been through such a heinous experience,

you know, this was not meant to make light of that. It was meant to make fun of me in the most horrific way possible. The sad part is that we have to explain that now. And you're the guy that looks like he wouldn't have done it. I'm the guy who's the father on TV. And there are 19 year olds, 16 year olds that actually believe it's fact, because I used to have a joke that men can breastfeed. I actually read that. And then I went, OK, I wrote it down and then I read it. And that's where we're at. We're at a place now that that was a joke. then i read it and that's where we're at we're at

a place not that that was a joke but that's what i said uh but we're at a place where anybody reads something anywhere they believe it's fact and that's the news that's the news somebody's write something down someone reads it or tweets it and it's fact and it's just a world full of shit because it's bizarre isn't it it's a strange world it's it's it's the it's and it's not just the media it's human beings it's it's uh because gilbert's always done things out of irreverence to answer your question frank i had people die every year or two so i had a cousin die of cancer when I was like nine. I had uncles die every year, a different uncle died. So that was kind of like I didn't know how to deal with death. So we started joking about it. And people that have had death don't joke about it unless they're

askew like I was, because that's how I dealt with it. My dad dealt with it the same way. He was the oldest of four brothers and a sister, and he outlived all but his sister, who passed away a couple years ago. But I got her remains, and they're in the yard. I just wanted to see if you're listening. Just wanted to see if you were listening. I love that you listened.

Well, it's funny to me, like, when you have to apologize for any joke you make nowadays, because when they say, like, oh, that's so tasteless, well, yes. When you tell a joke like that, you know it's tasteless. I know. And especially at a roast. I mean, that's that's the that's the stock and trade of roasts. But also in Gilbert's stand up in my stand up. I mean, right before we went into quarantine, I had a new hour and 20 minutes ready to do a special. And then here I am not until I'm able to go back. And a lot of it was already happening, the PC of it all. So if I want to say something bad, you know, I take a long time to tether into it and then tether and then and then come out of it. So I'll set it up and say, I can't say this anymore.

Here's something I can't say. Then I'll say it. And then I'll say, no, this is horrible because it affects these people. And then I'll try to do some little funny asides afterward. But I, I got to buffer it and bubble wrap it because it's not meant to hurt anyone. And you have to clarify that it's not, and it still hurts people. I don't want to hurt people. You and I want to make people laugh, Gilbert. That's just a fact. You want to hurt Gilbert a little, don't you, Bob? Very much so by twisting his nuts. Gilbert, I got a real question, an honest question for you. And it's going to be very honest. I hope it's not invasive. How tall are you?

I think the last time they measured me, I'm like 5'4". Okay. This is a serious question. Have you really found that your nutsack has grown? Is it double the length? Is it like bocce balls? Is it like, what are those things called that go back and forth? Oh, yes, yes.

The things on somebody's desk. Yeah, yeah. Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross, the movie starts with it. The wonderful movie version of David Mamet's play. People listing a play is something that people go see in a thing called a theater. And then it's a great story by a guy named David Mamet, who's a great playwright, which means he writes down the play. So it's not a YouTube video, and it's not a sitcom or a show on Netflix.

It's actually in a theater. I don't know. Have I lost your listeners? I think they call that thing a Newton's cradle. Does that ring a bell, Bob? Oh, that could be it. Have I lost your listeners? I think they call that thing a Newton's cradle. Does that ring a bell, Bob? Oh, that could be it. So are they hanging longer? It's kind of like when you're young, you want a big bulge in your pants. And when you get older, you get that, but it's your balls.

Or it's a goiter. Have you had a goiter? I'm hoping for one. Bob, I didn't know when you started, you had a guitar as part of your act that you sang. Yeah, for 10 years. So when I was 17, I won a radio contest for WMMR in Philadelphia

and I sang a song about bondage. A 17-adelphia and i sang a song about bondage a 17 year old singing a song about bondage oh he's gonna be fine he's gonna be gilbert what was your joke like you started at 17 or something right yeah when i started i was basically uh like you, Frank Gorshin or Rich Little or something, you know. It was like. You did impressions? Yeah. All impressions. Yeah.

How about that? Wow. I forgot that. You did Ed Sullivan? Never on stage. Yeah, you did it off stage for me. Off stage constantly. But who did you do. Who did you do?

Who were your impressions? Oh, God. Humphrey Bogart, Peter Lorre, Boris Karloff. I don't know why you stopped. Because everybody that could appreciate that is dead. They were dead when you started, Bill. Yes. This is so disturbing.

And I used to do a bit that had both Richard Burton and James Mason, and they both died within two days of each other. That's a classic bit. You should write more bits about people that you want dead. Bob, you're a fan of the old school comics obviously you knew rodney you knew rickles well i knew them well i mean uh rodney i was very close with and he started me when i was 24 um and put me in the young comedian specials one of the many starts of my career i've had a lot and so i was on the one with sam Kennison and I introduced him to Sam Kennison and Sam

is the thing that exploded out of that special and then and Rickles I became, I put him in the movie Dirty Work that I directed, Norm MacDonald's movie and Artie's and a bunch of great people in that and

Don and I became friendly through John Stamos really made that happen because John was close. He had had an older man thing and introduced me to so many people I got to be close with because of John Gary Marshall. One of my dearest friends in my whole life right now is Norman Lear, who just turned 98, 98. Yeah. And he's he's a fucking genius. He is. You had him on the podcast. Yeah. And I see him all the time. We do zooms with all of our guys.

We have a cigar night with a music company that he owned for years called Concord after he stopped making television. But now he's back making television. Yeah, he's doing so much. He's got a new show that I can't talk about, but it's he's 98. And he told me last year because his show One Day at a Time came back as a Latino version and it's doing really well. It was canceled by Netflix and then picked up by another, I think, pop. And I'm not sure, but it's really good. You know, it's got a great cast, Reed Moreno and Hector Alessandro. And it's just a special, special show.

And he said he had to sign a three-year contract at 97. He goes, can you believe I have to fucking sign a three-year contract at 97? He's an inspiration. He just keeps going. If you look at the Norman Lear at Instagram, he gives Monday, he has morning messages sometimes. Yeah. And he when he turned 98, he said, I wish I could dig a hole. And I got scared at the setup. And then he said, I wish I could dig a hole for all the gratitude. I feel how deep that hole would be. Or I wish I could fly on a plane and go as high as I can to show how

much gratitude I feel for every day that I have alive and for how much I appreciate all the people, all the love that I'm getting on my birthday. And that's how we should look at life. I mean, we've all been through shit. I mean, Gilbert, you've been through a bunch of stuff. I've been through a bunch of stuff. Frank, I don't know your story. Have you been through a bunch of stuff? Oh, a little bit here and there. What's the worst thing that you don't want to talk about that you've been through? Oh, God. Co-hosting this show with Gil.

I hear you. Did you ever have an almost lethal prostate exam? I can't say. It's early yet, Bob. I'm hopeful. I remember there was a picture that Alan King had where he's with Martin and Lewis when they were back when they were a team and they're all young in it and smiling. And he titled the picture Back Before anything bad or sad happened. How about that?

Well, that's nice. But I mean, he probably wrote that when we were pulling our troops out of Nazi Germany. Yes, exactly. Yeah, I don't think there's been a time in mankind where they haven't been just a bunch of fuckwads in the world. You know, I was talking today about it on my podcast because I don't mention my podcast enough. In mankind, where they haven't been just a bunch of fuckwads in the world, you know? I was talking today about it on my podcast, because I don't mention my podcast enough. It's called Bob Saget's Here For You.

I don't know how they came up with the name, but what's the name of your podcast? Gilbert, do you know? Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast. That's the best name ever. My documentary's Gilbert and uh you're in it you're in my documentary that's right i'll give a shout out to neil berkeley who did a wonderful job with that documentary there's also you and i are on bumping mics with jeff ross and david tell which is on netflix and you and i sat next to each other and and Andrew Jarecki just rolled film or whatever the hell it was, hard drive, and said that that footage is a special by itself, that

you and I talked for like a half an hour. So I want to get a hold of it because we just did this and sat next to each other. And I think I talked to you about what made you like how you are, because we've had this conversation before. I'm like, did you have grandparents in the Holocaust? Were your parents who was affected? And it's like you said nobody. And my answer was, then why? It's an excellent question, because it's almost like you have to go through that or have family that you go okay i'm going off the rails you know want to acknowledge rodney by the way you brought rodney up uh who you were who you were close to 40 year old gilbert teased it i mean he teased it

in the intro so yeah 40 well 40th anniversary of Caddyshack this past weekend. Yeah. And, and Gilbert celebrating an anniversary. Do you want to congratulate him on 30 years of Problem Child, Bob? Oh, that's so fantastic. You know, people love Problem Child. Yeah. How about that, Gil? It's so weird because when it came out, it was on every critic's worst film list. But the public loved it. I have people like every day, practically. They're in love with Problem Child. Well, you also have John Ritter.

And you got along well with him? Great, yeah. He was terrific. He is one of the biggest losses. I am so sorry he's gone because he was such a beautiful person. One of the kindest,

sweetest, and my heart goes out to Amy Yazbeck and his kids. Amy and I, I did a quantum leap once with her, so I kissed her on a quantum leap. She was here with us a couple of weeks ago i love her yeah and um and she'll you know you don't get over losing the love of your life um um and and she and he was just also so talented such a good actor. And I mean, you know, there's a lot of footage of him on stage

with Robin Williams. And that's that's amazing. Gilbert, you spent time on stage with Robin, right? Yeah. I mean, one of the great honors is he would always come into the comedy clubs and a number of times he would say, oh, Gilbert, come up here. And then we'd start riffing. And it was like, like I said, it was both exhilarating and exhausting at the same time. No, it was a missile. It was unbelievable. And then when you think everything's OK, he would march downstage a foot and a half or march upstage a foot and a half. And you're like, this is it. I don't exist. Yes. Yes. But the whole point was it's a play date and I can't control myself. And that was the point of all of it. And we're not talking about drugs.

We're talking about a guy. Talk about all of us. We're all guys that want to play. So when we're together, there's a delight with comedians. With Robin, when I was on stage with him, it would always be because I was hosting something, whether it be my scleroderma benefit that you've been gracious enough to do. One night at Caroline's in New York, we did it and you performed and the performers were Jimmy Fallon and Robin, and I was hosting, and you went up, and we all just stood there and watched you and cried because we get you so much, and it's so hilarious who you are and how you do what you do, which there is only one you. And and when I would be on stage with Robin, I would resort to this.

He I'd go, ladies and gentlemen, Robin Williams. And he'd come on stage and we'd maybe do a couple of lines back and forth. I'm talking clever lines on stage dialogue. And then and then I would literally dry hump him. That's what I would do. I would just try helping him and he would go, stop it. I'm too hairy. Get away.

I'm sweaty. And and then it was the only thing. But it was hilarious to him because it diffused him. And he is when you say his name to people people are immediately sad because he was and will always be for this hundred

years that people are living one of the most beloved people who ever got on stage, who ever did a movie who ever did comedy with all of his devils with all of his he was also this amazing human. And he was a replaceable people, Ritter and Robin. Yeah, we got a bunch of them. I mean,

I don't know. But those but yeah, those two. I got to ask you one thing I heard about Rodney. I can't talk about it. Listening, listening to your podcast and you were talking about Rodney, and I wondered if Gilbert would relate to this, that Rodney compared doing stand-up comedy to being a border guard. Yeah, that's what I talked about. Wow. Fascinating. He said Rodney would say, doing stand-up, man,

it's like trying to get out of Nazi Germany. So you do six minutes for the guard at the border. If you're funny, let you go. If not, he shoots you in the fucking head. That was incredible. That's how he looked at stand-up comedy. And that's why he was always sweaty, always wanting to kill, always feeling that desperation and not treated with respect for so long, which is why he had three names. It was Jacob Cohen, Jack Roy and Rodney Dangerfield. And I talk about him a lot because he's a legend.

And he didn't get Caddyshack till he was 58. I know. Late career, very late movie career. I remember him on stage one time and he was trying new material and it was bombing. And then he stopped and looked at the audience, discussed it and went, hey, if anyone tells you you're a hot crowd, you spit in their face. Do you want to tell the Ron Jeremy story since we teased it in the opening, Bob? Yeah, sure. It's pretty good. I tell it a lot because, you know.

I hadn't heard it before. Yeah, it's a nice one. It's good for the kids. You know, kids got to laugh, too. What happened was I was supposed to go to dinner with Rodney, and I was going to take him to the Palm, which he hadn't been to for 10 years because he was mad at them because one time he went there, and they gave me one big claw and one little claw, man.

It was an insult. I'm like, well, maybe that's how the lobster came. I think that's how the lobster came. And he went, no, man, it wasn't how the lobster came. They purposely gave me a smaller claw. I'm like, I don't think so. And then he goes, hysterically, he goes, I went there to pick him up. It was 7 o'clock.

I was right on time. He goes, oh, he's in a robe and his balls are hanging out because he was always half naked. Of course. He had a big cut down his chest because he had surgery. They took out all my guts, man. They laid them next to me and they put them back in. Look how fucked up it is. He's got this jagged scar in the middle of his chest.

And he says to me, you didn't call to confirm. I didn't think you were coming. I went, well, we had a date. So, yeah. And as I walked in, his wife, Joan, was leaving with a friend. And so they were going out on the town, I think, because Rodney was going to be with me. And then Rodney goes, hey, man, I don't know what to tell you. I got Ron Jeremy coming up here with two hookers and I got to have him sign this release. And it was for his book. And then I look

at the release on the table and it's two sentences. It just says, I, Ron Jeremy, allow Rodney to use me in his book. And then it's just an open dotted line for him to sign. And that's I don't think that holds up in court. But he said, you want to stay and hang out? And he's smoking a joint. I'm like, I don't think so, Rodney. Every time he shakes my hand, I worry where his has been. I don't want to. I just don't want to do it. He goes, all right, man, I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry. And he he he walks me over to the elevator.

People that don't know Ron Jeremy was a still is, I guess, a porn star who was very well known for being able to pleasure himself with his own mouth because he's like a roly poly potato bug. So it's not a pretty picture, not something you want to see. But that was one of his talents besides being a big fan of comedy. So Rodney walks me to the elevator, which led just to his apartment. And Rodney is standing there and I see the scar on his chest. And he says to me, I'm sorry, Bob. I'm really sorry. I didn't know.

And I went, you know, I just want to know how you're doing. And he goes, you want to know how I'm doing? I'll tell you how I'm doing. You're leaving and I'm waiting for a guy that can suck his own cock. That's how I'm doing. And then the elevator doors closed and I literally laughed out loud um i could not stop laughing because that was a truth and uh you know the truth's funny and rodney was uh rodney and i i loved presided over his over his funeral service yeah yeah i was the guy and i was insulted

by some comedians jim carrey was very kind to me after Jay Leno got up. First, Jay said to me, I got a five o'clock flight to Vegas. You think I can go on early? I went, yeah, I'll put you on early, Jay. It's Rodney's funeral. And but he was being sincere. He wasn't being mean about it, he did say 84 that's that's a long life right i went i don't think so not from that perspective no i don't think so all right

well that's sad and so he but that was his heart he wasn't there wasn't malice it's just jay you know yeah um jay was always nice to me i I know people have had issues, but he's always been kind to me, did my benefit. And I was on the show when he hosted and all that crazy crap that goes on in this stupid competitive business. But and then he did do a comment about me, which pissed me off. He said, it's good to see Bob Saget working again. That's what he said when I was hosting the funeral. I mean, there were no other roasty kind of jokes. So it was kind of the only cruel joke.

Nobody laughed because it just was out of place because it was burying Rodney. And Rodney wouldn't have liked it because Rodney really didn't like roast humor very much. That's interesting. He just liked good jokes and he liked helping young comedians. And then Jim Carrey went up right after and said, remember this, Bob? And remember that, Bob? Because he realized that I had just been put down at Rodney's funeral. at Rodney's funeral.

And I'm like, and Louis Anderson put his hand on me, and he goes, he doesn't mean anything by it, Bob. Don't worry. He was very loving, because Louis is very loving. But, yeah, it was a heavy-duty funeral. It was very painful, and it was sad. We couldn't do the prayers we wanted to do. I felt bad for his kids who Brian and beautiful Melanie. And I got to keep in contact with her. I got to contact her.

I feel kind of during covid quarantine. You kind of think about the people you want to reach out to. And you weren't one of them, Gilbert. but I really do. You know, you reflect on your life. You know, we had Garrett here a couple of weeks ago, Bob, and we were talking about how we all grew up on the Carson show. How was event television when one of these comics would come on? Growing up in Philly, were you the kind of kid that would stay up late to watch Carson to see Rodney, to see when Rickles was on? Absolutely. Watch the Dean Martin roast, which we all obsessed about. I watched all of it. But before that, it was, Johnny Carson was 90

minutes long and I would watch that. That's how old I am. So I was in Washington, D.C., staying at my cousin Tootsie's house. And cousin Tootsie, God bless her. She had you always say that before you say something terrible. She had polio. Save your laughs, Gilbert. And and so she was on crutches and she was really mad at me. And she was really mad at me because she had a beautiful apartment with Jules, her husband Jules and the Tisky. And I went to go visit them in Washington, D.C., and I had dog shit all over my shoes and didn't know it. And she had light blue carpeting, much like the White House has. Although now I think it's all orange. I'm not sure.

But I track dog shit all over. And here she came out with her crutches and she, Bobby, you ruined my carpet. She had a very strong Southern accent that sounded like Felix the Cat and Mickey Mouse. And she was I actually loved her a lot. And I stayed there alone at nine years old. They left me with Jules's sister, my aunt Becky, who was senile, but she was taking care of me. I watched Johnny Carson on New Year's and I lit a sparkler all by myself. And Johnny Carson was my companion at nine years old. How about that? Because he talked so like a person. And that's what a great, great broadcaster he was, that he brought solace to a nine-year-old kid and made me feel like I wasn't alone.

And I think the whole country felt that way about him. Dead air is really good right now. I heard you talking to Jon Hamm on your podcast about Carson, and you still revere him. Oh, everyone should. There will never be another. He was amazing. He was incredibly kind to me. And he was probably, and Letterman was also one of the best that will ever live and uh also took his cue from johnny's greatness um and then everybody we have now i mean i'm enjoying i don't enjoy zoom television but um i get solace sometimes and stephen colbert and my friend jimmy k And, you know, I mean, sometimes you get something that feels good when you're watching the guys

and that are doing late night. We could use a lady in there. I miss our cineo a bit. Agreed. I think there's a lot of open holes just in Gilbert's body alone. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast after this. Take control of your phone plan with Chatter Mobile.

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Now, do you also, getting back to Don Rickles, do you think Don Rickles could have a career nowadays? I think yes, but I think he would have to tee it up a lot more careful. But I think he went out before this happened and I saw his show near the end. I loved him so much. It's, you know, he was full of love. I'm sure he was always kind to you, right, Gilbert? Do you know I've never met Don Rickles?

Oh, that's right. He told me by choice. I'm really sorry. I'm sorry I brought it up. What was dinner like with him when he wasn't on, Bob? Well, he was pretty much honest with me. I know he was always trying to get you and John to settle down. That was important to him.

He would always tell us, stop dating kids. You know, you would always make jokes. Stop dating 13 year olds. You know, you can't say that. You can't say that. And it was all his act was, you know, making fun of everybody. And it was it came from a place of that time and a place of love. I think a good example for people that haven't seen it, and I've talked about it before, is if you want to see Don Rickles and get what he meant and get where he was coming from, watch Denzel Washington on Letterman. Google it. Yes.

And watch the whole thing. Because Denzel's on Letterman. Google it. Yes. And watch the whole thing. Because Denzel's on for three segments. And then Don goes, can you believe you wanted to stay during my segments? And Don was like a little kid. He's just like, I can't believe it. Oh, my God. Does he get me? Does he think I'm funny?

And Denzel's there. And Don comes out. And he says stuff to Denzel, there and Don comes out and he says stuff to Denzel like get my car and things that are just horrific and no one else could or should or would

say anything like that and Denzel is crying because what he's doing and it's impossible to explain yeah but he's making but it does it does for some people it does further racism and for other people it's shining a light on it right because that's what he meant to do but he's from a different generation where the rat pack would do impressions of Amos and Andy. And when I hear that now, it doesn't sit well with me when they do that.

All of them, Frank and Dean, these are guys I love the Rat Pack. But Don would do it some, but not. It was different with Don. Don spent a lot of time. Also, he had every ethnicity. Yeah. Jews were not spared. Waspy people were not spared. But you can't do that. My friend Jimmy Carr, who's on my podcast this week. And, you know, Jimmy Gilbert, funnybert funny funny comic jimmy yeah he's very i actually love him and he's in our he's in our vein i mean the one on our penises but

you know he's wonderful he's in britain he's he's fantastic and he had a great joke i'm not going to do it justice and he said you, you know, everything's changed. You want to do things that are politic PC. And if you're Jewish, you can make fun of Jews. If you're black, you can make fun of blacks. If you're Asian, you're the only one that can make fun of Asians. And he went through another couple of people. And then he said, take me, for example, when you're a pedophile, you can only and then he just stops talking. So basically, he's just calling himself a pedophile. That's basically and and that word, you know, I'll say something that's irreverent or something dirty or or the reference that you gave of me on your roast, my roast that you said that horrible thing. And then I'll read somebody say pedo. And that offends me a lot. It upsets me a lot. And when I was single, when I got divorced 25 years ago, I dated people that were a lot younger than me.

They were all legal. They were over 21, but I was 41, 42. And I went through a little bit of a phase, but I didn't do, I never was a predator. People had that, you know this, Cobra, you're like this also. Women had to throw themselves at me. I'm sure you went through that a lot before, Dara, where women would literally throw themselves at you. that a lot before Dara, where women would literally throw themselves at you. I mean, physically literally throw themselves at you and and throw you to the ground. And their their their reason was to crush you, to crushing and destroy you. I was like David Cassidy. You were you were you were You were like Butch Cassidy

right when he jumped off the cliff. You know, you were talking about that clip of Rickles and Denzel Washington. And it was funny when you watch it. Rickles is making these right, you know,

he says to Denzel at one point, what are you here? Do you have to sweep up he says to Denzel at one point, what are you here? Do you have to sweep up afterwards? And Denzel Washington is honored by it. Yes. And he's crying. Yeah, he's crying. And he's slouching in the chair more relaxed than I'd ever seen him on anything. And you can tell that Don revered him because Don also was an actor

and wanted to be an actor and wanted to be bigger in movies. Good actor. And he knows that Denzel is and will always be one of the greatest actors of all time. And, you know, I mean, I was with Denzel,

I wish Denzel, but unfortunately Don. No, I'm doing I was with them with my wish turns out. But unfortunately, Don, I'm doing his humor and it's not good. I was with Don at dinner and Sidney Poitier walked over and he did the same joke. He said, hey, Sidney, at first he came over and they hugged each other. And then and Sidney at that time, I think, was like eighty seven or something. And I don't know how old he is now, but he's you know, he's one of my heroes, for God's sakes. And and Don said, get my car. And and he's talking to, you know, one of the most beautiful human beings that ever lived and changed movies and changed acting for black actors.

And he was one of the very few. It's it's. I had Whoopi on my podcast and we talked about it had been 35 years, 40 years since someone African-American was nominated for an Academy Award. I think Hattie McDaniel, I think. Yeah. Yeah, been a long time. So, I mean, that speaks volumes.

And I think the change has happened, and it's going to change more. And there's something very special about the difficulty of this time, I think. about the difficulty of this time, I think. I think some wonderful things will come out of these incredibly painful moments we're all living through. And there will be more unity and there'll be more justice for people. That's what I'm hoping for.

Let us hope. Let us hope. I didn't know that Don wanted to be honored by the Kennedy Center. And it never came for whatever reason. Yeah, we tried. Jimmy Kimmel really tried. Yeah. What was that about? Was it bad blood with the Kennedys, old history? No, I think it might have been. It could have been part of the content of his material.

It could have had to do with that. I'm not sure. i don't know um but he was honored at the apollo theater and i couldn't go to it because i was working and wished i could have gone and it was a beautiful night and um he was treated or was the beacon of the apollo i thought it was the apollo i'm not sure but it was a beautiful honoring. And a lot of people spoke and paid tribute to this incredibly funny guy. He did things to me that were just hilarious. He I've told this story many, too many times. Might have told it on your podcast back in the 50s. He he I hadn't seen him after dirty work for a while and he grabbed me by

the head in a restaurant and he comes up to me and he goes, I don't miss you at all. And that's that's comedy. You know, that's just that's what it is. That's what I love. Can I ask you a couple of questions from listeners, Bob? No, I'm really sorry. I'm under an agreement with the... I'm a CIA operative. I just watched Homeland, all of it, all eight years. So I'm scared of talking. Did you really? Wow.

Yeah, eight years and three weeks. This Terrence Stackhouse wants to know, how much better would Full House have been if Gilbert had played the role of Uncle Jesse? better would Full House have been if Gilbert had played the role of Uncle Jesse? Well, the point of Uncle Jesse was to be a hunk. So obviously, with a lot of prosthetics and a wig and maybe be standing on a movable cart of some kind. You could have played Joey, but it would have scared the children. It could have been Dave Collier's part.

I see Gilbert with a mullet. Well, you would have been able to work with Scott Weinger again, who was Steve. That's right, Aladdin. That's right. He was the voice of Aladdin. There you go. And you were the voice of the parrot, Cock-a-Cock. What's the name of the parrot, Cock-a-Cock. What's the name of the parrot?

Iago. Can I say Cock-a-Cock? Cock-a-Cock? Cock-a-Cock. What's the name of the parrot? Iago. Oh, Miago. No, Iago, like Othello.

Oh, Iago. Yes, sir. Oh, it's not like Othello. It's from Othello. From Othello. Oh. Right. Iago. Yes, sir. Oh, it's not like Othello. It's from Othello. From Othello. Yes, exactly. Yeah, okay. Because Othello's a different word entirely.

Here's one from Andrew LaPosha. Oh, I know him, and he's wanted by the law. Do you know him? No. What is Bob's favorite memory of Cloris Leachman at his Comedy Central roast? Just how nice she was and how excited she was to be there. Because I, you know, I snuck in to watch Mary Tyler Moore's show

and Bob Newhart's show when I was young. Oh. And I got to watch her work on Mary Tyler Moore's show and I couldn't believe what I was watching. I was 16 or something. 15, maybe. And then I, you know, Frankenstein, her performance in that is Frau Blocher.

She was unbelievably genius, comedic genius at what she did and such a great actress. And so I was excited she was there and she was excited because she had great material. I didn't come here to roast Bob Saget. I came here to fuck John Stamos. I mean, you know, you can't you can't use an F-bomb. I remember Cloris Leachman when she got up to the mic said, you'll excuse me if I don't know who any of you are. I'm older now, and all I do is watch TV, go to the movies, and read magazines. Right. And then she put down all you YouTube stars

and all this stuff as though all those people have no talent, which we know they have amazing talent. Of course. Some do. Some do. Some YouTube stars, I watch what they're doing. I'm going, holy shit, they're going to direct a movie. And then other ones, I go, everybody just wants to be famous.

That's like the weird part. Mark Arnold wants to know what it was like working with somebody Gilbert worked with, the great Jack Warden, when you directed Dirty Work. Oh, God in heaven, it was amazing. All I could think about was heaven can wait and being there and all the movies that he was. I mean, I worship his work. What a consummate actor.

He was hilarious. He was so hilarious and so strong. I remember the producer was annoyed because he had to keep going. Can you get me a whore? And the producer kept saying, can you get him to say whore? And I went, no, but he's saying it old school. It's his way of saying it.

A whore. A whore. And I went over to Jack and said, the producer wants you to say whore. And he said, no. You also, speaking of your directing, Bob, what's this I'm hearing about a Martin Mull documentary? Yeah, it is in process. It's been a bit on hold because of COVID. So it's hard to shoot more.

But we've had a lot of great people we've interviewed for it. Martin Mull is a guy that I always looked up to. If people don't know his work, they're missing something. He was one of my comedian, he's a musical comedian, so he would write the best comedy songs. Were you a fan, Gilbert, of Martin's? Oh, yeah.

Oh, those albums. Were you on Fernwood tonight? I wasn't on Fernwood tonight. I worked with him on Till Death. Right, okay. I did an episode, two episodes of that. He is an amazing artist, and that's the theme of the documentary. And Kevin Bright's the producer, and I've been directing, or we both do both.

And the point is to give Martin his due. His art is unbelievable. And it's so socially relevant because he's always been ashamed to be the whitest man in the world. And and grew up in Ohio and a very vanilla life. And yet his show Fernwood Tonight with Fred Willard, he and Fred Willard teamed up. And yet his show, Fernwood Tonight, with Fred Willard, he and Fred Willard teamed up and it was beyond brilliant. And it really was about like the Rickles thing.

It would have, Fred Willard's character was racist as hell. And we just say this stuff delightfully and about Jews and blacks and this and that. But it was meant because there wasn't a racist bone anywhere in that show, and Norman Lear produced it, who, of course, did all the family and Good Times and The Jeffersons and Maud. So this is coming from a man who was for the human rights

and American way of good people. A show ahead of its time. I remember Martin Mull once said, when men get older, they look like Sean Connery. When women get older, they look like Sean Connery. I remember that. He was unbelievable. And so far, we've interviewed Steve Martin and Eric Idle and David Alan Greer. Oh, it's great. Many, many people that love Martin. And he also is a musician. He plays guitar and talks about his life. He did a great thing years ago, I believe it was on Showtime

called The History of White People in America. It's great television. And it's, you know, it can't be done now. It's one of those shows that can't be done now, but it's making fun of white people. And this documentary, if you look at his art, it really deals with racial issues and how people, black people in America have been held down. And that's his paintings. I mean, he is one of the most beautiful souls that I know and very prolific. He just he's writing. He wrote a book and he's finishing it. And it's what I've read is just it's perfect um i actually did the warm-up for a show that he starred in called domestic life and steve martin and he were executive producers and martin was the father and it was really good really good it had that wry sense

of humor it it would would have been like a home improvement type of show but it wasn't it was very very smart and very didn't have a lot of hooks in it. It had Martin's kind of low key, wry sarcasm. And I did the warm up. I remember doing the warm up with Steve Martin. He grabs a mic and starts talking to the audience. And I had a mic also. And that was like an honor. And I was trying to make Steve Martin laugh. And I was twenty five. And I said, you see this jacket? And Steve goes an honor. And I was trying to make Steve Martin laugh. And I was 25. And I said, you see this jacket? And Steve goes, yes. And I go, ten thousand dollars. And Steve laughed. I was 24, 25, making Steve Martin laugh. And he's one of my favorites also in life.

Have you had him on the podcast, Gilbert? No, I have not. That's important. You's good, Martin. You got to get bigger. You got to get really big. We had Alan Arkin a couple of weeks ago. Alan Arkin's a goddamn genius. Yes, he is. Yes, he is.

And you made a movie with him. Festival, I was invited to be on stage with Martin Mull and Fred Willard, where they were interviewing me like a watch my line, where they both put on blindfolds and they were asking the usual question, are you a singer? Are you a dancer or something? And then they said, all right, we don't know. So we're taking our blindfolds off. And they both took their blindfolds off and looked at me and said, are you in show business? Oh, my God. How did it end up? Oh, it was just like that. Like they never guessed who I was. Oh, it was just like that, like they never guessed who I was. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Is there going to be a Dirty Work sequel, Bob? Is there talk of that? There's talk of it. And will you include the donut scene this time? No, the sequel would not have old footage. It would be a new movie. I know. There's talk of it, but I can't say more than that. Interesting.

But there is talk of it, and Norm and I have been wanting to do it for a long time, and so we're at it. We're doing what you do, and during this time, it's hard to get things set up, you know? Hey, you know,

no one can work. Let's go make a movie I didn't know you were such a Let's not go to the theater and watch a Zoom Of people doing What's happening is people are doing reboots They're doing Zoom reboots They're doing some of your favorite things

Even Hamilton's coming up It's going to be a Zoom of the whole cast A lot of TV shows are doing it. They couldn't do the Friends one. Something came up. I don't know what happened, but I'm sure they will at some point. Here's one for both of you

from someone who obviously listened to your first appearance here, Bob, in 2015. Brian Hunter wants to know, who gave the best head? Ernest Borgnine, Dan Blocker, or Claude Akins? Well, I don't know who he's talking to. I'd have to throw that to Gilbert. I think that's an easy one.

It was Lionel Atwill. Yeah, I think you're right. Is that a silent film star? Because what you'd want is you'd want a silent film star because they won't talk about it afterwards. Yeah, on the last time you were on, we were doing a questionnaire back and forth. Who had the hairiest balls of the old days? Yeah, that's different than who gave the best head, assuming that we would want one of those gentlemen. Blocker is a good name because it would be a cock blocker, so you'd rule him out.

A blocker is a good name because it would be a cock blocker, so you'd rule him out. You actually asked Gilbert who had the most disappointing penis that he ever put in his mouth, and Gilbert, you said Richard Crenna. Back when we were silly. I can't go there, but I would say Gig Young. Gig Young. No, that's sad, actually. That's sad. Yes.

Because he actually took his own life. Bad ending. Horrible. Great actor. Great actor. He was in one of my favorite Twilight Zones. Which one was it? What happens in it?

I think it was called Walking Distance. That's right. Where his car breaks down from his the town he grew up in and he goes back there and he's back in time and meets himself as a little kid. Oh, that's they do that in every show on television now. Yeah. But yeah, but this one's pretty special. Yeah. Yeah. He is a great actor. There's so many great ones. Do you remember, speaking of the Arkansabob, do you remember making a werewolf movie with Adam? Yeah, it was the first thing I did.

Larry Cohen, Gilbert. Larry Cohen. Full moon high. Not with us anymore. No, he was great. He was great. He was on the show. He made a lot of those movies.

He also made, I believe he made Blackula. Oh, yes. I believe he made, Blackula. Oh, yes! I think he did. He made a lot of blaxploitation movies, like Fred the Hammer, Williamson. I don't think he made Blackula. He didn't? Are you sure? I don't think that was one of his. Um, okay.

It was already too good to be one of his. William Crane directed Blackula. Oh, there you go. Yeah. But Larry definitely, that was a genre that he moved around well in, very comfortably. And he was a total character because every other thing he said. Yeah, he really was. Go ahead. No, I was saying just about everything

he said on the podcast. You go, OK, is he telling the truth right now or is this total bullshit? Oh, so you had Larry on? Oh, yeah. He was great. Great. Yeah, he was wonderful. Larger than life. Great. Yeah, he was wonderful. Larger than life. That's so funny. Here's another one for you, Bob. You had him on. It's hilarious.

Oh, yeah. We love those guys. I mean, we had Richard Donner here, too. We love those directors. And Roger Corman. Jeffrey Dahmer? Yeah, we had Jeffrey Dahmer. Remember that one, Gil?

Because David Berkowitz canceled at the last minute. Remember that one, Gil? Because David Berkowitz canceled at the last minute. Who's your favorite guest you've had on besides me? Oh, boy. Wow. So many that we've. I mean, I loved Neil Sedaka.

Neil Sedaka. I love Bob Einstein. Bob Einstein. He's a huge loss. Why is he gone? Another irreplaceable guy. He was hysterical. He was so funny.

We're talking about people that we can never replace, Bob. You're also talking for an audience that is 100. Well, that's this show. This show? Your audience is 100 years old? Well, we're trying to teach the seniors how to download a podcast. Do you have sponsors? We do.

Is it mostly for adult diapers and stuff? All, exclusively. So a lot of your... And catheters. Oh, my God. We have the kind of commercials that start out, are you aware of how expensive

a funeral can be? Bob, does she ever work with Pat McCormick? I know, I knew him and he would say dirty shit to me because I was on the Tonight Show, so when I would see him he would come over just to tell me real dirty stuff Did you have him on?

No, we started the show He passed away a long time ago I know the story about him is an old couple in the Valley came over and said, can you tell me how to get to Sepulveda and Burbank Boulevard? Supposedly, he took out his penis and he goes, OK, this thing is Ventura Boulevard. And he used that as a Thomas guide. There's a reference, a Thomas guide. Yeah, right. There's

one that I haven't thought of in 20 years. Amanda Stefaniak says, I've got to listen to Bob's original episode to jog my memory. But I would love to ask him what was going through his head as Norm MacDonald performed his legendary roast, seemingly cribbed from an old joke book. Well, I had talked to Norm on the phone about it. And we had decided that he said, I can't make fun of you you're my friend and i went well norm you have to do what we do at rose which is you got to criticize me or i'm just going to read jokes from a 1940s joke book and i went norm that's not gonna you can't do that and he went well i don't care i don't make fun of my friends. And I went, OK. I said, say fuck at least. He's like, no, I don't want to do that.

And so it's hilarious. He ended up doing the craziest 20 minutes. If you remember, Gilbert, it was. Yes, I remember. I remember. He said, hey, I talking to my friend Gilbert, and I said, there's a door backstage that says, gentlemen, well, pay no heed,

you can go right in. Pay no heed. Pay no heed. He was literally talking like Robert E. Lee. But he was doing jokes from a 1940s joke book. And at one point he said, Bob's got a face like a flower, a cauliflower. And then no response. And he goes, I'm saying you got a fucking dog face, OK?

And then it got a big laugh. And then I'm like nodding like, yeah, yeah, curse norm. It's going to work. And then he still was doing his Carson-esque thing. And then while everyone else was roasting me, he was reading the sports section, which is pure Norm. I just remember we went to dinner. Gilbert, that was so much fun. We went to dinner with Norm and Jeff Ross and you and me.

Yeah. Gilbert Payne. Yeah, I remember it was in L.A. It was at Jones. It was at Jones at Formosa. And it was just nonstop laughing and joking the whole time. And then you and I were doing our joke. Joking the whole time.

And then you and I were doing our joke. You know, today I saw the dummy in the window. So we were doing that over and over again. And Norm went, oh, this is great. You're doing an inside joke from last night's dinner. He was understandably annoyed, you know. So

funny. I love him very much. He is obviously one of the funniest people alive. Truly brilliant. But I went to the Friars. Jeff Ross took me to the Friars. You spent a lot of time there, right? Oh, yes. Yeah. Were you a member? alive. Truly brilliant. But I went to the Friars. Jeff Ross took me to the Friars.

Gilbert, you spent a lot of time there, right? Oh, yes. Yeah. Were you a member? It's well, I never wrote out a check to them, obviously. And so I never actually officially. Obviously, why is that obvious? So the cheapest Jewish person alive, is that your thing? So because I show up, I show up at any event where I could get a free dinner at. Right. They eventually made me an honorary member. Right. What choice did they have?

I'm on the block. Well, they needed you. Yeah, they needed them there. So what what happened? What happened? Did you go there all the time? Oh, yeah. I've been I've been I did roast over there. Is it gone? Is it are they are they done? I don't know. I mean, not in covid before quarantine. Did they go away? I think they shut the place. They were having financial problems and they temporarily shuttered it even before covid. Did someone steal money? There was some embezzlement, allegedly. And I that's nice. That's so nice. Allegedly.

That's nice. That's so nice. Allegedly. I heard like the FBI actually showed up and were taking records out of their files. What records? Like famous Lenny Bruce ones? Yeah. The old Martin Muller records. Oh, that's funny. It was Frank Fontaine, songs I sing on the Jackie Gleason show. Hi-ya, Joe.

Hiya, Mr. Donahue. That was the character. And then Foster Brooks. Oh, yeah. I'm just trying. Now, try to do a drunk act nowadays. Another one. There's a lot of people that are when they get on stage.

We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast. But first, a word from our sponsor. You'll flip for $4 pancakes at A&W. Wake up to a stack of three light and fluffy pancakes topped with syrup. Only $4 on now. Dine-in only until 11 a.m. at A&W's in Ontario. Bob, how are you enjoying being a podcaster? I love it. I love it. I guess I'm 36 episodes in, something like that. Good show. I love doing it, and it's doing well. And I'm lucky to have my friends on, which I understand why you don't want to be on it, Gilbert. But you're also dispensing advice to the public.

Yeah, it's whatever they want to talk about. Sometimes it's advice, sometimes it's just trying to make them feel good because life's not easy. So I'm trying to help in whatever way I can. And then I have conversations. A lot of it's not funny. It's just conversations because a lot of people are lonely. And I've just been reaching out. Of course, Stamos was my first guest and was audio only.

And now it's Zoom. And then I put it up on. I don't put it up. They put it up on a YouTube page, which I never had. You have a YouTube page, Gilbert? Oh, I've got all those things. And he's got it all. Look at it. He's on TikTok. Yeah, I'm on TikTok, too. Yeah. My my 13 year old daughter is in charge of all. Right. Well, the YouTube people give nice comments like I hate both of you. You know, things like that. And I want to delete them, but it's like, well, I don't have time for that. You know, just let them be morons or, you know, just weird stuff. Because some of it gets political because I will be Goldberg as a guest.

So they're like, they don't they. Well, we talked about what's wrong with the world. Why can't people just love each other? And people don't want to hear that. You can't say, why can't people love each other? People go, fuck you. It's like outrage let's get out. Outrage culture.

This is not going to be a conversation. So, you know, I'm just trying to do whatever I can. Last question for me, Bob. Bill Cosby actually advised you to not work so blue? Oh, yeah. He always did. He always did. But I got it out on stage and he got it out in people's faces. Do you know anything about Asian models?

Oh, yes. This one of the writers of the Cosby show when I was when I did a guest spot told me that Cosby had it in his schedule that an hour was set aside to teach comedy to Asian models. Well, that makes sense. That sounds. Well, that's why you hear that's why you hear so many Asian girls going, hey, you know, I was my friend. You know, when you see pictures of him now, he doesn't look happy. I don't understand. And I idolized him.

That's the weirdest part. I really did look up to him when he was on I Spy with his albums. He was an influence, you know, and I started cleaner. And then I don't know what happened. I kind of blew up my TV image or did more of what I did before I got family shows. And I still I guess my act's less blue than it used to be. But my act, whatever I'm rolling right now in stand-up is not as blue. I'm trying to just do what I find funny. And I tell stories and I love the good dick joke. I mean, who doesn't?

Well, we also want to thank you for being part of our sixth anniversary show with your nice video. Congratulations that you sent in. Oh, that was really heartfelt, but I faked it. I know. that you sent in. Oh, that was really heartfelt, but I faked it. I know. It was sweet. I love you, Gilbert, and I like you, Frank, as an acquaintance. Thank you, Bob. And I love Dara, and I don't know Matt, but I love his screensaver.

Poor Matt. All I wish right now, Gilbert, is for your health and your safety. And and don't let people come over and empty their nose into your mouth. I mean, that's where you get it. Don't go to hospitals into the covid testing room and get all of the swabs and suck on them. I would say that'd be really stupid and dangerous for you. You know, don't don't go into the intensive care and just take deep breaths and go, ah, yeah, I love the ocean, you know, you know, don't do stuff like that and be safe.

And now all these people that don't want to wear a mask, it takes away their freedoms. They really should wear them because they're really ugly. They're most of them. I haven't seen a really good looking person screaming about wearing a mask. Michelle Pfeiffer complaining about wearing a mask. Don't make me wear a mask. I'm an American. And they're just they look really they look like one of the statues that are made of tinfoil they're taking down. Why are people upset if we're taking down statues that are hollow like an Easter bunny chocolate? You know those hollow Easter things?

You don't know from Easter. You ever had a chocolate bunny? Gilbert, did you ever eat a chocolate, the big chocolate Easter bunnies? I've had the chocolate bunnies. I've had the chocolate Santa Clauses. And, of course, the Hanukkah guilt. Yes. And they were all in aluminum foil. And the outside was the outside was nice to all of them.

And the chocolate was the cheapest shit in the world. It's shit. It was a worse chocolate. It was made of wax. Yes. Yes. I think it was. I think there's wax in it. Not unlike those things that were filled with sugar water that were wax and kids would eat it. Oh, yes. I remember that. Yeah.

Nickel nips. I think that shit was in those fake Easter Bunny Santa Claus. When you got a Santa Claus made of chocolate, is the first thing you would eat would be his dick? Or would you go right for Santa's ass? I would lick out his asshole. Right. And then you'd eat his sack and swallow toys? Well, first I'd rub my face against Santa's dick.

So Christmas for you. To show that I loved him. Right. Did you believe that he was a see-ip? I would rub my face against the Easter Bunny's balls because they felt like

cotton balls. Yeah, they were cotton balls. Of course they were. When I was a teenager, I would call a supermarket and say, it's an old joke, do you have cotton balls? And then the punchline would be that the guy would say, who do you think I am, Peter Rabbit? But nobody ever finished it.

Did you ever write letters to Santa as a little kid hoping that you could one day eat his chocolate balls? Well, I was never that witty. So I would write to Santa and say, I'd love to lick the shit out of your asshole. You would write that to Santa? Yeah, to Santa. At the North Pole? I wouldn't write to the Easter Bunny. I'm not an idiot. Bunnies can't read. No, he can't read. He's a bunny. What about Santa? How old were you when you wrote that to Santa? I think I was two.

And what exactly? Tell me the wording again of how you wrote to Santa when you were two. Dear Santa, can I lick the shit out of your asshole? Did he ever answer? Did you get your Christmas wish? We were pen pals after that. Really? So if you say perverted stuff in a letter to Santa, he writes back? And then I wrote to him and said, can I lick your big sack?

Gil, I think we've got to save this for the Christmas episode. We're going to hang on to this one, Bob. Yeah, this is a copy and paste. Yeah, it's only July, but we'll hold it. I think you should leave it. Don't cut this from the episode. Oh, gosh. Gosh, no.

These are jewels. We're going to plug your podcast. Let's also plug your book from 2014, which is very funny. No, don't do these old credits. You're causing a lot of pain. Dirty Daddy.

That's a good book. It's available now on Microfiche. So you can get it where you can get Gilbert's book. Yes, Dirty Daddy is in paperbacks still. And we will look

for the Martin Mull doc when all this shit is over. And the podcast is called Bob Saget's Here For You. And that's available wherever you get your podcast, be it Apple or Spotify or your grandmother's house. And finally, what do you know about Cesar Romero? I know that my mother saw him in a parking lot and said that he hit on her. I'm not kidding. In the valley years ago. And my mother's gone for years.

But 25 years ago, she says she saw Cesar Romero not dressed as the Joker from the TV's Batman. And he came up to her and he was wearing a black leather jacket, Bobby. And he wanted to go on and get a drink with me. So my mother apparently was attractive back then. My dad was sexually abused by Frank Gorshin. That's tragic. Yes, it was riddle me this. And then that's what he did with his penis.

And his penis was shaped like a question mark. Was your grandmother ever abused by David Wayne? I think you've hit a nerve. I can't talk about it. I don't know how you knew that. Thank you. Yeah. I don't know how you knew that.

Thank you. Yeah. My grandmother was actually David Blaine encased her in ice, in slabs of ice. Did your grandmother ever go down on either Julie Newmar? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. She went down on my grandmother.

My Bubby went down on everybody, everybody. And that's how she got to America from Russia. Oh, and oh, fuck. I forget Earth. What? Who is the other? Earth the kid. Earth the kid.

Earth the kid. Yeah. I don't talk about my my Bubby that way. But yes, the answer is yes but I don't talk about her that way what about Victor Bueno

playing the Egyptian oh yes Victor Bueno the pharaoh the pharaoh on Batman television's Batman Victor Buono. Yes, big time. Played the Pharaoh on Batman, television's Batman. Do you have a question about him and my grandmother?

He called her King Tit. She's no more. And I loved her very much in all seriousness. Now that we've talked about her so respectfully. Gilbert, we gotta wrap.

Okay. Well, I love you very much, Gilbert. Very, very much. And Frank, as Rickles would say, I tolerate you. Come on. And as Rickles would say, Matt, Rickles would say, Matt,

not so much. And Dara, Dara, I truly love. You're a very lucky man, Gilbert. You've really outdone yourself. Please don't touch her. And, you know, you'll make everybody happy. Are you guys thinking of having more kids?

No. Do you hope that Santa will come? I hope Santa comes in my asshole. You realize this is just blatant. This is just blatant. This is just blatant. Phil, there's no reasoning. It all started. There goes our Humanitas prize, Gil.

This is definitely going to be the... I was going to submit this one. This was a good one. I was going to submit this one. This was a good one. I was going to submit this one for the pee body. Yeah, for the pee on me is what it's for. For your consideration. This is for your inconsideration. You have to listen to this shit.

Give our best to Michael O., too, Bob. I will. And Gilbert, I hope you get what you want for Christmas. And what would that be? It would be Santa's what? I would like. For Christmas. I don't want to keep saying it over and over and over.

So listen closely. You don't do that normally. No, not me. You've just ruined my reputation with that other one. normally. No, not me. You ruined my reputation with that other one. I would like Santa to shove his cock

up my asshole and come in my asshole for Christmas. Not the other holidays. The other holidays he rests. Would you want one of the elves to be like holding something?

I would like to shove I would like to shove all of the elves up Santa's asshole. They're big, though. What if you hurt them? And while I'm shoving them up his asshole, I want Santa to go, ho, ho, ho. Because that's what Santa does. Sounds like Ed McMahon. So you want him to be jolly. You want him to be jolly while you're shoving elves up his asshole.

And I'd like to shove reindeer up his asshole, too. Well, you know how Rudolph got that red nose. He was the last one out. It made a sound. It was like a suction cup. It was when that reindeer came out of Santa's asshole. It was like the day the clown cried. It was like that.

Quite an analogy, Bob. Thank you. Well, happy Christmas. Thank you. At Easter. At Easter. At Easter. Yeah.

And lots of love to your listeners. I hope they're alive by the time this is released. This was like a Perry Como Christmas special, really. It was like a throwback. Very much. Yeah. Very much. the time this was released? This was like a Perry Como Christmas special, really. It was like a throwback. Yeah. Very much. It was like being Crosby by the fireplace.

When he would throw his children into it. Yes. I hear he was a good dad. Oh, my God. But we don't know if that's true. The story...

But is that... I don't think that's true. I think it's just like now, so much tabloid stuff. I think... I don't know if that's true. The story. But is that. I don't think that's true. I think it's just like now. So much tabloid stuff. I think. I don't know. Someone asked. Was talking to Buddy Hackett.

About Bing Crosby. And Bing Crosby said. You want to know. You want to know why Bing Crosby beat his kids. Because Bing Crosby. Couldn kids because Bing Crosby couldn't get a hard on. Well, that I think people that do abuse people are because they have sexual problems. I would think so. They're angry about something.

Maybe they heard this podcast. Maybe I would hate to think they listen to this and then go beat someone. I hope not. All right, Gilbert, you sang Freebird. I've got to... That'd be a good song right now. He's done. He sang his closer. I know. Well, just before we leave, I just want to ask

one more time, are there any other wishes that you would have when Santa comes down your chimney? Your evil second. I like making Gilbert laugh. Well, I'd like... What would be the best, what would be the most dramatic, exciting thing

Santa could do for you for Christmas? Well, I'd love to shove my dick in Santa's mouth because he's got that big beard. So it would feel like I was fucking Mrs. Claus. But you wouldn't want to touch Mrs. Claus. You just want to do it to Santa. Yes, yes. I have self-respect.

Right. Okay. And, yeah, I was going to say more of the 10 days of, 12 days of Hanukkah. I don't know. All the children are snuggled like sugar plums. You don't want that. Not with Santa in the house. I'd like him to lick my sugar plums.

You would like, you would like Santa to teabag you. Is that what you're saying? I hope the kids went to bed early, Gil. You might want to disclaimer on the end of this. This podcast is not for everyone. And then dot,

dot, dot, wait for it. One last thing. What would be your favorite Christmas present? What would you love the most? What for you would make you the happiest on Christmas? You wake up Christmas morning and.

You wake up Christmas morning and... And Santa is squatting up in front of my face. Taking a tremendous shit on me. After eating a thousand candy canes. After eating a thousand what? Candy canes. So that's what you want? Who doesn't?

And then when he's done, is he gone on his sleigh yelling Merry Christmas? Yeah. When the last log of shit comes out, he goes, Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night. So are they are they yuletide logs? So are they yuletide logs? Well, before we go, we want to thank our sponsor, Hallmark. Oh, my God. What if Santa was constipated?

Would you not be able to get your Christmas wish? If you were on a vacation with dad and it was christmas time because some people in show business going up to the say kovitz over it's two years from now you're on a vacation you're just a to you in a beautiful romantic spot and santa shows up what would be your Christmas wish at that moment on your beautiful Christmas vacation? Well, first I'd say, Saint Nick, would you like to take some laxatives this time? And then I'd ask him to hold it in. Excellent.

As long as possible. So it would really... Say goodnight, Gilbert. No, the man's not done. What? He does what? Is there something explosive that happens? It would, yes. It would come blasting out.

Explosive that happened? It would, yes. It would come blasting out. So, do you think it's not the reindeer at all? It's his propulsion? Yeah. Of explosive diarrhea? Of shit.

Explosive. So, all the houses are covered in it as he flies off into the night? Hey, somebody's got to edit all this together. I don't think there's any editing required. I think people, it's just a couple of pals talking shit. Well, I love you, Gilbert. And thank you, Frank. And thank you, Darren. Thank you, Gilbert. And thank you, Frank. And thank you, Darren.

Thank you, Matt. It was a pleasure being part of your spectacular show. Thank you, Bob. I got to say the good nights. And then if you could do an ID for us. Okay. Thank you, Bob. Well, I'm Gilbert Gottfried. Okay. Thank you, Bob.

Well, I'm Gilbert Gottfried. This has been Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Show with my co-host Frank Santopadre. We've been talking to a... A man who's jerked off in Santa Claus's beard. Gilbert, stop. Gilbert, no, do it different. jerked off in Santa Claus's beard. Stop. Give it. No, do it different. Do a different closing.

It doesn't involve Santa Claus or 1990. Oh, God. Go ahead. Come on. It's Christmas in July and August. Go ahead. Come on. It's Christmas in July and August. Go ahead, Bill. One more. And then Bob will do a nice promo for us.

Oh, it's going to be nice. Can't wait. We've been talking. Fuck it. We've been talking to Bob Chagat. There you go. Thank you, Bob. Thank you.

Oh, my God, we're all going to prison. Thank you. Who's got a beard that's long and white? Santa's got a beard that's long and white. Who comes around on a special night? Santa comes around on a special night. Special night. Beard that's white. Santa, Santa Claus. Who wears boots and a suit of red? Santa wears boots and a suit of red. Who wears a long cap on his head?

Santa wears a long cap on his head. Cap on head, suit that's red. Special night, beard that's white. Must be Santa, must be Santa, must be Santa, Santa Claus. Who's got a big red cherry nose? Santa's got a big red cherry nose. Who laughs this way? Ho, ho, ho! Santa laughs this way. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho Cherry nose, cap on head Suit that's red, special night Hair that's white

Must be Santa Must be Santa Must be Santa Santa Claus Who very soon will come our way Santa very soon will come our way. Santa very soon will come our way. Ain't little reindeer pulled his sleigh.

Santa's little reindeer pulled his sleigh. Reindeer sleigh, come our way. Ho, ho, ho, cherry nose, cap on head, suit that's red, special night, beard that's white. Must be Santa, must be Santa, must be Santa, Santa Claus. Dash your dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen. Dash your dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen. Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen. Reindeer, Slave, come our way.

Ho, ho, ho, Cherry Nose, Cap-Hod, Ned. Suit that's red, Special Knight, beard that's white. Must be Santa, must be Santa, must be Santa, Santa Claus.