Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - GGACP Classic: Mario Cantone

Episode Date: December 21, 2023

GGACP's celebration of the 2023 holiday season continues with this ENCORE of a 2017 installment with Christmas show fixture Mario Cantone. In this episode, Mario chimes in on everything from the infamous Bette Davis-Joan Crawford feud to the not-so-special effects of “Mighty Joe Young” to the strange predilections of Frosty the Snowman. Also, Dracula plays heavy metal, Carol Kane plays Gilbert’s wife, Mario learns the Perfecto Telles story (!) and the co-hosts rank the best (and worst) adaptations of “A Christmas Carol.” PLUS: “The Bear Who Slept Through Christmas”! The genius of Alan Menken! In praise of Leonard Maltin! And the (triumphant) return of Carol Channing and Herve’ Villechaize! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

TV comics, movie stars, hit singles and some toys Trivia and dirty jokes, an evening with the boys Once is never good enough for something so fantastic So here's another Gilbert and Franks. Colossal classic. Hi, this is Gilbert Gottfried, and this is Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast with my co-host, Frank Santopadre. And once again, we're recutting at Nutmeg with our engineer, Frank Verderosa. with our engineer, Frank Verderosa.

And now, by popular demand, and we mean popular demand, our guest this week is back for a record-tying fourth appearance on the show. You know him from dozens of TV appearances in shows like The Late Show with David Letterman, Match Game, the Comedy Central Roast of Dennis Leary, The Comedy Central Roast of Joan Rivers, Chappelle's Show, Men in Trees, Sex and the City, and of course, the legendary and much beloved children's show, Steam Pipe Alley.

Which sounds like a porn film. We love it. As well as from hit Broadway and off-Broadway shows including Love, Valor and Compassion. It was a gay play, which is why you can't pronounce it.

Fag. It's just love, valor, compassion. There's no and. Assassins. Yes. Stephen Sondheim. He wrote that. You were good in that.

I was quite good playing Sam Bick. You were. Go ahead, Nets. Keep going. That tempest. Yes, I did that in a pit of sand. I was Stefano, and the set was a pit of sand. I had sand in my ass crack, my ears, my nose, my mouth.

It was horrific. That was the set, because it takes place on an island. Really? You have to be so fucking literal and put me in a sand pit? It was literally a sand pit. And then, you know, it's supposed to be one of Shakespeare's comedies. Here we go. And I'm trying to be funny.

One day I just screamed at the audience and said, These are 400-year-old jokes. You make them funny. are 400-year-old jokes. You make them funny! It was a fringe jacket joke that was supposed to represent venereal disease. What does venereal disease have to do with the fringe jacket?

It was literally in the footnotes. It's a venereal disease joke. Who wrote it? Jimi Hendrix? Let him finish your intro. Sorry, keep going. Please welcome Peck. Oh, finally. What's my

name again? Wait, you forgot his one-man show. Oh, yeah. I forgot that. And his own one-man show. Tony nominated. That's right. Tony nominated. Tony nominated. And his own one-man show, Laugh Whore. Please welcome back

our annual... Okay, I'm sleeping, Gilbert. Get to the fucking point! Our annual Christmas guest. One of the most talented human beings on the planet and a man who once tried to get into the men's room to watch Tom Cruise pee. Yes, it's true.

Sexual harassment panned up. All right, so yeah. So who is it? Who's our guest? What's my name? Mario Canto. Oh, gosh, I just released. That was good.

Oh, what a release. Oh, my God. Tell us again about how you tried to get into the men's room. Well, you know, I was at The View, and Tom Cruise was the guest on the post tape. I had done the live tape show. And so, you know. And there was only one bathroom. There was only one bathroom on the floor.

And I said to Joy, I was like, I'm staying here if Tom Cruise is going to show up. I was like, do you think he's going to show up? He's going to show up, that piece of shit. He's going to fucking not show up. He's going to stand me up. I'll fucking shit on his face. I don't give a shit. You know, he's always cranky.

And so I'm waiting, and he comes in, and he is literally so short, he looks like one of the Lollipop Guild. I was like, what? We represent the Lollipop Guild! Lollipop Guild! Lollipop Guild! He's with

these huge, huge, like, Secret Service guys. Scientological Secret Service guys, I'm sure, the SSSS. And he comes in, and he was so little. He looked like one of the munchkins that came out of the egg. He was like four inches tall. And I was like, hi, Tom. He's like, hey, how you doing? And he walked into the bathroom,

and there's only one bathroom on that floor. None of the dressing rooms have bathrooms. The old studio. Yeah, the old studio. No of the dressing rooms have bathrooms. The old studio. Yeah, the old studio. So I, no, the new studio too. That's true. So I'm, you know, waiting to go into the bathroom and I'm walking towards it and I was going to go in and the security guy was like, can't go in. I'm like, why?

He's like, because he's in there. I'm like, he, Jesus, who's in there? And he's like, oh, he's in there. I said, well, it's a public bathroom. There's only one. And he was like, I'm sorry, you can. I said, well, it's a public bathroom. There's only one. And he was like, I'm sorry. You can't go in. You got to wait.

I'm like, I got to pee. I got to pee really bad. Please let me go. Please. Sorry, can't go in. I'm like, all right, I have explosive diarrhea. I'm going to go over the walls. Please.

I'm going to get in. And he's like, no, I'm sorry again. I'm like, all right, I want to see his cock. I want to see his cock. I need to know if it hooks to the left. So, and it didn't. No, I didn't go in. I need to know if it hooks to the left. So. And it didn't. No, I didn't go in.

I waited for Tom. Tommy, you are the light in my eye. Tommy. A Scientological bird in the Sky, Tommy! I just wrote that. That's us. Wow, that's... Well, you know.

I'm high on exhaustion. It's been a long day, huh? Oh my God, you have no idea. Catching up. Oh God, television is so exhausting. There's a lot of waiting around. It's just a lot. You know, just waiting around in your trailer before

you know it. It's 2 o'clock in the morning and there are no hookers available to come to your trailer. It's terrible. You were doing the President show. You were doing Comedy Central with our friend Anthony. Yep. Doing the, by the time this airs, it'll have aired. It was the Christmas show, which was a lot of fun.

Doing your Scaramucci. Doing my Scaramucci. He's dead now. He's dead now. Yeah. He is dead now. Didn't he just have a big brouhaha? Something. Was that a little Barbara Stanwyck?

You just... No, it was really actually Betty Davis, but that's okay. Fuck you. I'm rusty. You are. No, Barbara Stanwyck's more like this. He's dead now. That's Barbara Stanwyck.

Ralph de Vricchia, kiss me on the mouth like a lover. Remember the Thorn Birds? Of course. With Richard Chamberlain. I love you, God, how much I love you, Father Ralph de Vricasson. Now kiss me on the mouth like a lover. Welcome back. Well, thanks. For the Christmas episode by popular demand, as Gilbert said.

And I did a Christmas movie this year. Tell us. You did? It's a lifetime Christmas movie. It aired at the end of November, and it may be airing through the month of December. By this point, this is Christmas night. It's not airing anymore. This is airing on Christmas Day, yes.

This is airing on Christmas Day. Yes, it was a very merry toy store starring Melissa Joan Hart, Mario Lopez, Billy Gardell, Beth Broderick, Tara Strong, and many, many more. I had the pleasure of playing, I forget his name, it was Ben. Ben, the mayor of New Brunswick, Connecticut. Yeah, yeah. It was a delight to do. It was a movie. I'll do anything scripted. Your first Christmas movie?

Yeah, yeah. It was done independently and then they sold it to Lifetime. And it was fun. I watched it the other night. And I got to tell you, there's a sled racing scene in it. Okay. Two kids sled racing. The special effects in 1949's Mighty Joe Young were better than the special effects in that sled scene.

I was like, what is this brutal CGI? Mighty Joe Young. They didn't even give the kids a wind machine for the hair to blow. There's just this close-up on them as they're racing down the hill, and there's no suspense. There's no fan. Give the kids a fan so it's blowing their hair. And this one beautiful young kid's got this curly, curly, curly, curly hair,

and it's just still, still, he's flying down a hill. Wow. Not a big special effects budget for Lifetime. No, there wasn't. Gil, have you been in any holiday movies? I was in something. What were those two cartoons? Something and Mindy.

Huh? Yeah. You were in Buddy the Elf. Oh, yeah, Buddy the Elf. Oh, I love that you did Buddy the Elf. Buddy the Elf I was in. That's very good, Frank. Oh, excellent. That was Elf. Buddy the Elf. Oh, I love that you did Buddy the Elf. Buddy the Elf, I was saying. That's very good, Frank. Oh, excellent.

Never gets credit for that. That was the musical special? Yeah. Thank you, Darren. That was really great. Yeah, Buddy the Elf. That was excellent. I think Ed Asner was in there.

Oh, Ed Asner was Santa. That's right. We talked about that. Oh, and the guy from, whatchamacallit, Big Bang Theory. Jim Parsons. Jim Parsons. Yes. Yeah, so Buddy Jim Parsons. Yes. Yeah, so Buddy the Elf.

He played Buddy, right? He was the voice of Buddy. Yeah, I played... I, showing my connection with midgets through my career. That's a recurring theme already. One time, Billy Barty stole the part for me. But I played the part that I think Peter Dinklage played in the movie. Oh, you were the angry elf?

Yeah. Yes. Oh, wow. That's a great part. That is. Are you kidding me? I'm jealous. That's fantastic.

That was a lot of fun. Yeah. Buddy the elf. And then there was something like somebody and Mindy. It used to be a cartoon with a little boy and girl and this skeleton like death. Okay. It wasn't Mork and Mindy. It used to be a cartoon with a little boy and girl and this skeleton like death. Okay. It wasn't Mork and Mindy. No. No. And that was, they did a special called, you know, Evil Santa. And I was this evil, like blood drinking Santa. Oh, that sounds good too. Did Dean Coons write that? Yeah, and I think

I wrapped my mind around going from Peter Dinklage to Gilbert. And I think my wife was played by what's her name who we've been trying to get on this show? Oh, Carol Kane. Carol Kane. I love Carol Kane. Hey, find out someone find out where I was

evil Santa and don't fucking ask Paul. Anybody but Paul. Does anybody know where I was evil Santa and don't fucking ask Paul. Anybody but Paul. Does anybody know where he was evil Santa? Frank, Frank, look up where I was evil Santa. Something in Mindy and Carol Kane was in it. And don't fucking ask Paul because he'll come back here a decade later. This is my thing.

You can be difficult, which is good. And I was talking to your wife about it. She told me that you were supposed to maybe do a gig somewhere. And, you know, they asked her, do you mind if you guys fly coach? No! You don't fly coach! You're Gilbert Gottfried! You don't fly coach!

And you're elderly at this point. You cannot fly coach. You're Gilbert Gottfried. You don't fly coach. And you're elderly at this point. You cannot fly coach. You need to. Make sure you fly even business first. Something. You don't fly coach. Yeah. Excuse my entitlement issues.

I don't fly coach unless I'm paying for it. Well, yeah. Well, see, that's the difference between you and me. Did you see the documentary? No, I haven't seen it yet. Okay, you'll have a new bone to pick. I'll watch it. Well, yeah. Well, see, that's the difference between you and me. Did you see the documentary? No, I haven't seen it yet. Okay, you'll have a new bone to pick. I'll watch it.

No, I'll call you up and be like, what the fuck is wrong with you? I know it. I wish I had seen it before I got here. I meant to because I wanted to

talk about it with you but then I thought, enough about him. So, yeah. Yeah, you have to make sure you are treated well. And don't, wherever you're going, you don't stay in a fucking Doubletree.

You make sure you're staying in a decent place. Not that there's anything wrong with a Doubletree. Not that there's anything. But, you know, it's got to be a fine product. Oh, no, for me it's only four seasons. Did anyone find out? They're working on it. What show I was Evil Santa on.

Oh, yes. Dara's working on it. It was called The Cock-Sucking Elf. It was great. It had a score by Neil Sedaka. Oh, my God. Hey. Paul's got it.

Paul's got it It was Aladdin Not Aladdin Fuck you Fuck you Aladdin You think that's the only thing he's known for? Not a bad thing to be known for though

Now this is driving me crazy I got something Gilbert How about Billy and Mandy save Christmas That's it Billy and Mandy save Christmas God damn it it. Billy and Mandy Save Christmas. God damn it. I got a question right. I want that noted in the log.

Okay, great. Billy and Mandy Save Christmas. Can I just say something? And Buddy the Elf. Okay, well, Billy and Mandy Save Christmas, finding that out wasn't worth the wait. It really wasn't. What time is it? Hey, this is important.

I know. Nice job, Paul. What time is it? Hey, this is important. I know. Can you do the part in Baby Jane where Joan Crawford gets angry and talks up to Betty Davis? Well, did she ever get really angry? Well, she says you couldn't do this. Oh, Jane, you wouldn't do these horrible things to me if I weren't in this wheelchair. But you are, Blanche. You are in that chair. And what are these horrible things I'm doing to you?

He's happy now. Jane, I have to sell the house. You ain't going to sell this house, Blanche, because Daddy didn't want you to. And you ain't ever going to leave it either. That was before the stroke. Free stroke, Betty. Whose side do you take in the Joan and Betty? I'll tell you.

Well, I mean, I watched The Feud, which I thought was good. How'd you like it? I loved it. It was good. I thought it was quite good. Susan Sarandon was... I watched it, and I'm not even a fan. Well, no mean, I watched The Feud. How'd you like it? I loved it. It was good. I thought it was quite good. Susan Sarandon was... I watched it and I'm not even a fan. Well, no, you're not even a fan.

I know. I know. Says you. No, says you. Everyone knows you're on the DL. You're a DLJ. Download you. But the...

DLJ. I like that. That's kind of cool. It is. But I thought that Susan Sarandon was good. The picture of her voice wasn't right for me, and I thought she kind of went in and out of it. She seemed afraid of it, but she was ultimately good. Miss Jessica Lange was magnificent,

and it kind of wiped away the whole Faye Dunaway thing, which is a tall order. Whether you like that performance or not, Miss Dunaway was quite great. But I thought Lange was great. I felt bad for both of them. They were both so similar as far as being lonely women and angry women, but they presented it differently. You know, Betty Davis wore it on her sleeve and was just out there with her pissed offness. And Joan tried to keep it all pulled up.

I did feel bad for Joan Crawford with the Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte thing. Because she got fired from that mostly because Betty Davis didn't really want her there. So Betty Davis was mean. I met her once. She was signing records at Tower Records in L.A. And I bought her album, Betty Davis Sings. Is that a thing? Betty Davis Sings?

You're either too young or too old. You're either too big or too teeny weeny. Yeah, it's a really weird. She sings Mother of the Bride. She sings Baby Jane. Whatever happened to Baby Jane? Oh, he purr, purr, purr, purr, purr, purr, purr, purr. Yeah, it was like Jane. Whatever happened to Baby Jane? Oh, he... Yeah, it was like that.

Like a backer act? Oh, yeah. That's disturbing. Susan Sarandon did it, because she did it on a talk show one time, so she recreated it on Feud. Now, oh, Bruce Stern was on the show. Yes. And he, so of course he was in Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte. That's right.

And he said that Joan Crawford came in, they were at a reading, and he saw, what's her name, the woman who played the other part. Olivia de Havilland. Olivia de Havilland. Still with us. Yes. She's 100. Joan Rivers came, Havilland. Still with us. Yes. There's a hundred. Joan Rivers came. I mean Joan Rivers.

Joan Crawford. Joan Crawford came in. You wouldn't do these awful things to me if I were in this chair. Joan Rivers as Blanche Hudson. I'm selling the house, Blanche. I'm going to sell the house.

You're going to do these terrible things to me. I know you're going to give me a rat. There's a rat under here. Melissa. Melissa. Get this rat out of my dinner plate. Yes, so Bruce Dern sitting there at the read-through with Betty Davis, and Joan Crawford comes in because she was signed to do the part,

and Joan Crawford sees Olivia de Havilland. She says, Olivia, what are you doing here? And Betty Davis goes, she's doing your part. You're out of the picture. That happened right there? Yes. In front of the cast and crew. They didn't do that on Feud because she came in later.

That's what he told us. That sounds unbelievable. That's awful. That's vicious. That's vicious. To me, That's awful. That's vicious. That's vicious. To me, that's awful. Because, you know, look, Joan Crawford had her stuff, but, I mean, she was a pro. And I remember seeing an A&E biography on her, and everybody that spoke about her on that biography had not a bad thing to say about her.

She was a pro. But she always did this. During Baby Jane, at the end of a shoot, at the end of the day when they would wrap, she would turn to the crew and go, bless you, bless you, bless you, bless you. And then Betty would come in the next morning and go, did bless you get here yet? Where's bless you? I want to speak to bless you.

He lights up when you do Betty Davis. I haven't seen him this happy in a long time. That's because he loves me. Look, Anne, come quickly. They want to operate on my head. Remember Dark Victory? Look, Anne, I have a brain tumor, and I'm going to wear a beanie. A beanie, Anne.

Remember, the ending is so ridiculous. She's dying in the garden, but she doesn't, doesn't, she's like so hyper. She's like, look, Anne, the clouds are coming in. Funny. I can still feel the sun on my hands. Oh, Anne, it's not the clouds, but she doesn't, she's like so hype. She's like, look, Anne, the clouds are coming in. Funny. I can still feel the sun on my hands. Oh, Anne, it's not the clouds, it's me. I'm dying. Go to Anne.

Be my best friend. And when I die, have champagne and be gay. Be very, very gay. And then she dies. I thought Alfred Molina was good, too. Oh, he was magnificent. He was terrific. He was magnificent.

Terrific in that. Magnificent. Oh, God. I didn't see the last terrific. He was magnificent. Terrific in that. Magnificent. Oh, God. I didn't see the last... Did they hire someone to play Victor Buono? Did they give a... Oh, yeah. They did.

I didn't see the last couple. And they went into the whole thing about him being gay. Oh, they did it. And he got arrested for picking up a boy or something. Yeah. And she had to bail him out of jail, Betty Davis. I didn't know about that. I didn't even know Victor Bonham was gay.

Mike Gaydar is so bad. When it comes to old-time movie stars, Mike Gaydar is bad. I'm like, Montgomery Clift, I love pussy! Edward Everett Horton? Yeah! Yeah! You kidding me?

Vincent Price loved to finger women. Oh, dear God. Oh, God. You guys, since we should talk a little bit of Christmas. Christmas. Since this is a Christmas episode. I love Christmas.

Now, I found an article the last time we had some controversy because you and Gilbert differed strongly in your opinions of Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol. I love Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol. First of all, that score, Julie Stein, and I love Julie Stein. He wrote Funny Girl and he wrote Gypsy with Stephen Sondheim. I'm sorry. It's one of the worst scores ever. And I think he was on a break, like a mental break when he wrote it, because it's awful. La, la, la, la, la, la, la.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la. Yeah, it took a lot to write that. La, la, la, la, la. We're blank, blankety, blank, blank. No good. Really? That sucks. Now, Richard Kind.

Shilver and gold. Is that in there, too? No, that's Rudolph. Oh, that's Rudolph. Oh. With the guy that named names, Burl Ives. Did he name names? Oh, yes.

I didn't know that. Yes. See, I think if they do the remake of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, that the perfect Sam the Snowman would be Michael McDonald with that white hair and, you know. Oh, yeah. Silver and gold, silver and gold, silver and gold, silver and gold. Have a holy, jolly Christmas.

It's the best time of the year. I don't know what you've been told, but I will come and see you. Have a holy, jolly Christmas. And when you walk down the street, I love it. I think it'd be great. The one from Mr. Magoo says, Millions of feet don't walk through the world, make such a lonely sound. Is that Jim Backus singing that? Yes. I don't even remember that.

And what about the horrible, horrible Brasselberry Pussy Pudding? Can I have a Christmas tree with Brasselberry dressing? A little Brassail berry would be nice. Well, you can't have it! No, my... Go ahead. I was going to say, you almost went to blows on this last year. Richard Kind. And I don't want to get to blows. No, we're not

going to be blowing. Sexual harassment. Panda. Alright. Sexual harassment panda? Yeah right. Sexual harassment panda? Yeah, that's Trey Parker's sidecar. Did you ever see it? Oh, that's right.

Well, I can't, you know, I've thought everyone knew. That's right. No, that's not my material. It's much too brilliant. Go ahead. Richard Kind, our pal, was here a couple of times. Your pal as well. I love Richard.

We all love Richard. And he said, he walked in here and he said, what the fuck is up with Mario and not liking Mr. Magoo's Christmas special? Well, he never had any taste, Richard Kind. Terrible. I love you, Richard, but that's a poor, poor, poor piece of Christmas shit. So this is the

new Ryan Murphy feud is going to be you and Richard. Oh, you mean Richard Kind. Yeah. It's over Jim Backus, Mr. Magoo. Julie Stein's Mr. Magoo Christmas Carol. It's perfect. So I found this article. This is on a website called Collider and I know you guys would respond. Collitis?

Collider, not Collitis. That's what I thought he said. Not Collitis. That's so funny. I thought the same thing. It was Collitis. Yeah. They ranked the 20, ranked them from 20 to 1 from worst to best Scrooge adaptations. Worst to best. Go ahead.

I wanted to get you guys get your input on this. The 20th is the what they consider the worst or the weakest is Albert Finney Scrooge made in 1970. That's my number one. Really? That's bullshit. First of all, let me tell you something about that musical.

It's Leslie Brickus and the score is magnificent. You know, it takes years to develop a Broadway musical. It really does. And to write it for film and for it to work is a miracle. That is probably my favorite Christmas Carol. If I had to pick one,

that's the one. So, fuck you, Colitis. Okay. See, but- Have you ever seen it? No. Oh, it's really good. I've never seen it either.

Oh, well, could you please watch it before? We'll watch it this year. Yeah, so I can talk about it next year. The one they always show is Alyssa Sim. Yeah, that's on here. That's the earliest one, right? That's on here. Well, let me plow through these.

Scrooge at 20. No, that's the one in the 50s. Was the Alyssa Sim one. Was the Alice in the Sand one. That may be in the top three. Number 19. I can't believe they put this on here. Rich Little's Christmas Carol. You mean to tell me that beat? Albert Finney? Scrooge? Who the fuck did this

list? Morons. Piss me off. Number 19. He does Paul Lynn, W.C. Fields, Peter Falk, and Truman Capote in it. Number 18. The stingiest man in town. You know this. This is a rank and bass. With Walter Matthau

and Tom Bosley. I think we touched upon it last year. I don't know that one that well. Gilbert, this is going to disappoint you. Mr. Magoo's Christmas 17. Jeez. That should have been number 100. Go ahead. I like the Mr. McCool. It says,

if you're a fan of the nearsighted Jim Backus voice cartoon character, then this Christmas special should be a slam dunk. If you have no idea what I'm talking about,

this is a pass. Okay. Yeah, so they don't love it either. They're with you. All right. Number 16, Bugs Bunny's

Christmas Carol. Jesus Christ, where was that one? I never even saw it. Are you familiar with that? Is it a short? Either one. That one.

Merry Melodies. Let's see. Number 15, Christmas Carol, The Musical. This is Alan Menken with Kelsey Grammer, Jason Alexander, Jane Krakowski. Did they film it? Yeah, I guess so. Live action TV special. Oh, well, because they did it on stage first.

Yeah, yeah. Well, I love Alan Menken. I think he's pretty magnificent. They don't make him like him anymore. Yeah. 15. 14, something called Ms. Scrooge with Cicely Tyson. Are we familiar with this?

No, I don't. Ms. Scrooge. No, but I love Cicely Tyson. Alan Menken did the music for a lifetime. He's brilliant. He sure did. He's one of the greats. And Beauty and the Beast and Little Mermaid.

I mean, you don't get better than him. I'll plow through this. And he's got a Bronx tale on Broadway right now. And if you have not seen it, the musical, it's phenomenal and funny and heartbreaking and great. And I was on a plane once, and this is so typical of me. A guy sitting next to me goes, Hi, Gilbert, how are you? And I went, yeah, hi.

And he goes, I'm Alan Menken. I did the music for Aladdin. And I go, oh, Alan. Yeah, you had to really get it up in that split second. He's the worst. How do you fucking work with him? Oh, my God.

The people he's let slip through his fingers over the years. They've given him his card and said, call me. And I always get into a conversation with you. I go, oh, at that party, I was talking to Charlie Chaplin. And you go, did you ask him to be in the podcast? I get a text from Dara. They're hanging out backstage at Robert Smigel's show the other night with J.J. Abrams. Oh, yes.

Oh, he wants to do the podcast. I don't suppose you closed. No, he didn't. I'll never see him here. Always be closing. I'll get F. Murray Abram. Not that I would turn him down for the show. Number 13, Christmas Carol, the movie.

Do you know this? No. I don't. With Nicolas Cage as the voice of Marley. Okay. It had to be good. Next. Robert Zemeckis' Christmas Carol, which was that...

With Jim Carrey? Yes. I love that. You do? Oh, my God. I think it's magnificent. Computer animated. I think Jim Carrey is phenomenal.

It's beautifully done. I like that one a lot. I have to see that one, too. Gilbert, did you see that? No. Robert Zemeckis' Christmas Carol. And the one with Nicolas Cage. Who was Scrooge?

Oh, let's see. Nicolas Cage, wasn't he? He wasn't Bob Cratchit. Christmas Carol the movie. Let's see. Let me give him a chance. I should mention. It doesn't Bob Cratchit. Christmas Carol the movie. Let's see. Let me give them a chance. I should mention. Doesn't mention.

No. Doesn't mention. Guess what? It's that important. How about Mickey's Christmas Carol at number 11? That's pretty good at number 11. That's damn good, that one. I like it.

Yep. I love the Disney. Gilbert, any opinions on that one? I don't remember that one that well I saw it okay I've seen everything that's Disney by the way if you haven't seen Coco the Disney Pixar the new Pixar is the best animated movie I've seen in decades who did the score did my friend Mike it's not really a musical the Lopez's that did a few numbers in it and it's actually better than anything they wrote in Frozen I thought it thought that's how good it is.

It's so heartbreaking and so stunning. I was wrecked. I was weeping at the end of Coco. Really? I was gone. Gone. I gotta tell you, I'm a Disneyphile.

Yes. I'm a big Disney expert. I go back to Silly Symphonies, the first one, the Skeleton Dance. That's a long time ago. Bambi and of course Aladdin, which are the new-ish ones for me.

But, you know, I'm not a big Pixar person. I'm a little, I know I'm in the minority on the first Toy Story. It's good. Second one's better. The third one's the best one. They're all good. But this is still even more emotional

than the third Toy Story. Really? Yes, it is. It's a killer. And I like the third Toy Story a lot. It's the best one. But the first one, the animation wasn't as kind of right at the time. It wasn't developed enough.

So the toys looked like the humans, and the humans looked like the toys. I was like, this does not work for me. So that's why I didn't like it. I loved Up, The Incredibles, and this tops it all. Yeah, I loved Up. Okay, go ahead. Okay, Gil, any opinion on the Pixar films? Oh, which one?

He doesn't give a shit. He takes the money and runs. He doesn't go see their product. He's like, Disney, I'm out of here. Have you seen Aladdin since you were in it? Uh, yes. Okay, because you have children. Yeah.

Up was the one with Ed Asner. With Ed Asner. It was so good. And a great performance by Ed. The beginning of that makes you want to kill yourself. Yes, it does. So does Joan Cusack's montage in Toy Story 2, which is beautiful. Yeah, it's beautiful.

Really beautifully handled. Alright. Number 10, A Flintstones Christmas Carol. No. Oh. That's alright. Does this mean anything to you? Yeah. Don't remember. Next. I can't believe Scrooge. I know. We're gonna, you know. Oh, go ahead. You got a bone to pick. Number 9, A Christmas Carol with Patrick Stewart. Yeah. I love you know. Oh, go ahead. You got a bone to pick. Number nine, A Christmas Carol with Patrick Stewart.

Yeah, I love Patrick Stewart. But, all right, he does all the characters. Can we get maybe Rich Little in there again? Go ahead. Number eight, A Christmas Carol. With Frank Ocean. With Tim Curry playing Scrooge. This is an animated Christmas Carol from 1997.

Okay, never saw that one, but I love Tim Curry. Number seven, The Muppet Christmas Carol with Michael Caine. Very good. Okay. Very good, yes. You seem to like a lot of these. I like that. I do.

Go ahead, next. Number six, A Christmas Carol from 1984 with George C. Scott. One of my favorites. That I remember. Magnificent. I'm glad that's up there because that's, out of the non-musical ones, that's my favorite. Let's see. This had David Warner, the British actor Frank Finlay, and the late Roger

Reese. It's a great one. 1984. I've seen this one. It's quite good. I have it on Blu-ray. It's quite good. Number five, you're not going to like this. Scrooged with Bill Murray. No. Richard Donner's... No. It does have... Carol Kane's in it. She's

magnificent. Carol Kane is very good. And so is Bill Murray. I just don't love it. And Bobcat, our friend Bobcat. I don't like the TV executive producer update. She's magnificent. Carol Kane is very good. And so is Bill Murray. I just don't love it. And Bobcat, our friend Bobcat. I don't like the TV executive producer update. The screenplay was much funnier. Was it? A Christmas Carol from 1971. What's that?

Let's see. Who the hell is in this one? This is animated. It also helps Alistair Simm. Reprises his role of Scrooge. Oh, okay. Good for him. Made famous 20 years earlier.

Do you know this one, Gil? Oh, no. And finally, the top three. Scrooge from 1935. Yep, that's good. With Sir Seymour Hicks. Yes, that's on Turner Classic Movies this month. In the role of Scrooge.

Yep. Gil, you've got some viewing to do. And? And the last two, A Christmas Carol from 1938 with Reginald Owen. Yeah, yeah. And number one isinald Owen. Yeah, yeah. And number one is Gilbert's Favorite. Wait, wait, wait. 1951.

Wait, you left out, they left out one. Which one? What did we leave out? Henry Winkler. Oh, Henry Winkler. Henry Winkler played Scrooge. Yes, he did. In 1979 in An American Christmas Carol.

You know, I did an off-Broadway play last year called A Room of My Own, and it took place in 1979, and I played a closeted, self-righteous, judgmental gay man who did not speak about his sexuality and had opinions about everything they were talking about.

A Christmas Carol, and he was saying to his niece and nephew, get up! This show and Scrooge is going to be on TV. And the brother-in-law goes, which one? And he goes, which one? The one with Alice to Sim.

There's only one. Henry Winkler is Ebeneezer Scrooge. Did you ever? With special effects by Rick Baker. Wow. How about that shit? Wow.

Yeah. Here's a couple other oddities I found. These were made for television. 1947, a Dumont version of the Scrooge story with John Carradine as Scrooge. Oh. And David Carradine, his son. As Tiny Tim. As Tiny Tim.

Wow. And Ava Marie Saint. Did he karate chop people with his crutches? Snatch the crutches from my hand. Ava Marie Saint and her TV debut.

Wow. Okay. Right? And then there's one broadcast December 25th, 1949, a 30-minute adaptation with Sterling,

someone called Taylor Holmes. You can't do it. With Vincent Price as the narrator. Oh, jeez. Wow, okay, there you go. Yeah. And lastly, Frederick March and Basil Rathbone did it in 1954.

Oh, that's pretty awesome. A filmed musical adaptation. I'd like to see that. Starring Frederick March as Scrooge and Basil Rathbone as Marley. Okay. Wow. That's all I got. All right, I'm exhausted from this list.

Yeah. We're going to take this up with Colitis. Please do. The website. Colitis is wrong. And Richard Kind. Oh, forget Richard Kind. I'm going to kick his ass when I see him.

Don't go away. We'll be right back after a word from our sponsor. I'm going away. Stop it, you. This is Larry Cohen, and you're listening to Gilbert Godfrey's amazing, colossal podcast. Could someone validate my parking? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Gilbert and Frank, we can't live without you.

Gilbert and Frank, we can't live without you. Gilbert and Frank, we can't live without you. Gilbert and Frank, we can't live without you. And now we return to the show. You want to have some silly fun now? Yes, I do want to have some fun. What do you think? Let's try something goofy. Okay.

For the fans. I can't wait. Okay, this is yours. Oh, my script? Gilbert, this is yours. Oh, I like this. And this is not a song. We're going to do a little Christmas poetry.

Oh, good. What do you think? Okay. Let's give this a shot. Okay. Shall we? I think you're both familiar with this. Okay.

All right. Ready? Okay. Are we going to say who they are or are we just going to do them? We're going to just do them. Okay. And then I'll explain at the end who everybody is. Alright.

It was the night before Christmas when I went through the house. Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. The stockings were hung by the chimney

with care in hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there. The children were nestled all snug in their beds while visions of sugar plums danced in their heads. And Mama in her kerchief and I in my cap Had just settled her brains for a long winter's nap. When out on the lawn there rose such a clatter, I sprang to my bed to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a flash, tore open the shutters and threw up the sash. The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow gave

The new fallen snow gave a luster of midway to objects below. When what to my wondering eyes appeared but a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer. With the little old driver so lively and quick. I knew in a moment he must be Saint Nick. More rabbit than eagles, his coursers they came. And he whistled and shouted, and

called them by name. Now Dasher! Now Dancer! Now Prancer and Vixen, on Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen, to the top of the porch, to the top of the wall, now dash away, dash away, dash away all. As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, they meet with an obstacle mount to the sky. So up to the housetop the coursers they flew, with a sleigh full of toys and St. Nicholas too. And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof the prancing and pawing of each little hoop. As I drew in my hand

and was turning around, down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bow. He was just old and far from his head to his foot, and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot. A bundle of toys he had flung on his back, and he looked like a peddler just opening his back. His eyes, how they twinkled, his dimples,, how merry His cheeks were like roses His nose like a cherry His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow And the beard on his chin was as white as the snow The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,

and the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath. He had a broad face and a little round belly, and that shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly. He was shabby and plump, a right old jolly old elf, and I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself. A wink of his eye and a twist of his head soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread. He spoke not a word, not but went straight to work and filled all his stockings and turned into a jerk. And laying his finger aside of his nose, he giving up a nod up the chimney he rose.

Oh, oh, oh. He sprang to his sleigh to his team, gave a whistle and away they all flew like the down of a thistle. But I heard him exclaim he

drove out of sight. Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night. Martha, make me a martini. Oh, God. That was exhausting. That was brilliant. That was epic. That was epic and brilliant.

Wow. Let me have the piece of paper so I can tell them who that was. Oh, God, please do. Oh, my God. They'll need to know with me. That was James Mason, Julia Child, Peter Lorre, Mario's wonderful Liza, Tony Curtis, Poststroke Betty made a comeback, Mario's wonderful Liza, Tony Curtis,

Post Stroke Betty made a comeback, Jerry Seinfeld, Shelley Winters, John MacGyver, Catherine Hepburn, Vincent Price, Kathleen Turner, Andrew Dice Clay,

your wonderful Charles Nelson Riley, and Paul Lynn. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Trees are big for that in crayons. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, God. He used to do like a commercial with the gorilla and the big banana in crayons.

Charles Nelson Reilly? Yeah, there was a gorilla in the commercial. We had Butch Patrick on the show. I may have told you this. I know, Lidsville. And he said that he chased him around the set.

Oh, his career would have been over today. That's for sure. Oh, yeah. Frankie, maybe we'll find some music to throw under that at some point. Oh, yes, Frankie. Please do. I'm going to sound design the shit out of that.

Oh, he's going to make art out of that. Here's a couple of quick questions from listeners. Oh, please do. Some Christmas questions. Christmas questions. For you boys. Kai, K-I, Kai. I just watched Frosty the Snowman

and I realized I saw a major investigation discovery moment watching Karen knowing that Karen watched Frosty slowly melt

can she ever recover from that first of all Frosty was a pedophile because he went into that greenhouse with her and he got all hot

and he melted which is what should have happened to Harvey Weinstein. He should have taken them into a greenhouse and melted. Gilbert, were you traumatized when Frosty melted? Jackie Vernon, by the way. Oh, that's right. Point that out.

The great Jackie Vernon. I'm Frosty the Snowman. We should have put Jackie Vernon into that. And who else? Who was the villain in that? Billy D. Wolf. Billy D. Wolf. That's right.

I used to do Billy D. Wolf. Busy, busy, busy. Busy, busy. Yeah. Another one who used to get pussy. Oh, yeah. Big pussy. Up to his ears.

He was a pussy grabber. He was ahead of his time. There's tape on him in a bus somewhere, too. With tons of pussies, sir. A chorus line of pussy. Busy, busy, busy with pussy. I should have put Billy DeWolf and Jackie Vernon into the poem. This is from Big Daddy.

Hi, Gilbert, Frank, and Mario. Happy holidays to you guys. Happy holidays. In your not-so-humble opinions, what are the best and worst Christmas specials of all time? Other Gilbert than Bob Hope as Jack Frost. Oh, that was pretty much it. Easily number one. Yeah.

Worst? What is the most embarrassing celebrity moment you remember from a holiday special? Oh, Jesus. Is there one? Maybe the Brady kids singing something. Did they do a Christmas special? Yes. Yeah think is there one maybe the brady kids singing something did they do a christmas oh yes yeah i'm sure they did um uh most embarrassing moment and oh you know what i love remember the king family oh sure oh my god yeah sure actually yeah i like the king family and it was once with the one of the sisters sisters whose son was off to war,

and he surprised her and came back in the middle of her number. They surprised her, and it was very emotional. The King family. Yeah, I remember those specials when I was a kid. Oh, me too. The Andy Williams specials. Oh, yeah, that was too with the Osmonds. The Osmonds were on that too.

And the bear that used to come knocking on the door looking for cookies. Do you remember that? No. On the Andy Williams show? Am I the only person that remembers that? What about the bear who slept through Christmas? Do you know that one? No.

With Tommy Smothers and Barbara Felden and Artie Johnson? Son of a bitch. That's a good one. This is blowing my mind. The bear who slept through Christmas. They don't show it, and you can't even get it on Blu-ray, which is very disturbing. And it's really good. Wow.

Something we didn't ask Barbara Felden about. I know. Yeah. Mr. Gottfried. This is from Eric Rime. Of course, when I met her, it was the first thing I brought up. You did? She's lovely. Yeah, she's very nice. She's a wonderful person.

I like her a lot. Mr. Gottfried, what did you get your kids, what will you get your kids that is Monster or Old Hollywood related as gifts? Oh, geez. You do that? Does Max want Monster stuff? Is he into the stuff you were into?

This was a proud moment that happened at this Thanksgiving dinner. What happened? We were at someone's house. We were talking to a guy at the table, and Dara introduced Max to this guy. introduced Max to this guy and Max looked at him and very seriously went, you kind of look like Lon Chaney Jr. Oh, isn't that great? See, you've trained your children well. Yes.

So I don't need a DNA test on him. And then did the guy slap him? But so he knows. He knows. Does he know Glenn Strange? Does he know all the- Yeah. He one time scribbled something on his shoulder and pulled his shirt back and said, I'm the

Wolfman. Because it had the sign, Cheney had the sign of the pentagram on his shoulder. Oh, this is wonderful. Oh, yeah. Yeah, this is great. How many eight-year-olds know who Maria Ouspenskaya is? I know, right? The bear, the bear of the bear.

Holy Gilbert. Gilbert, do a little Maria Ouspenskaya for Mario. The way you walk is thorny through no fault of your own. fault of your own but as the river enters the soil oh as the river enters the

river the stream enters the sea so tears go on to a predestined end find peace for a moment my son is that the last thing she

says when he's dead yeah and even a man who is pure at heart and says his prayers by night may become a wolf when the wolfbane

blooms and the autumn moon is bright. Show me one other podcast that goes from Charles Nelson Reilly to Maria Ousmane Scott. I can't believe you do her. I always knew you were a great drag queen. You know, now that I think of it. A little bit. Yeah. A little bit.

Just a little bit. Let's say you're Charles Nelson Reilly, Gilbert. Do you do Charles Nelson Reilly? No, I never could do it. A little bit. Yeah. A little bit. Just a little bit. Let's say you're Charles Nelson Reilly, Gilbert. Do you do Charles Nelson Reilly? No, I never could do it. Oh, oh, oh. All right, go ahead. What's next? That's life.

I was never able to. It's close. It's good. You could get it. You should do a couple of gay actors. You do, I think, Sidney Greenstreet. Was Sidney Greenstreet in the Friend of Dorothy? I don't know. Sidney Greenstreet. Was Sidney Greenstreet in the Friend of Dorothy? I don't know.

Sidney Greenstreet. Yeah, he must have been. Yeah, he must have been. Like, isn't that that Robert Morley thing going on? Raymond Burr. And wait, though, but you do

Vincent Price. Yeah. Now, he like... No, he did not. I heard he was bisexual. I'm like, I don't think so. Well, he was married to Coral Brown.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Cary Grant was married to Betsy Drake. That's true. Diane Cannon. So Sidney Greenstreet may have been? I am speculating. Yeah, I've never heard that about him. I've never heard that either.

All right, perhaps I'm breaking news. That's because you don't want to pick shit. I apologize to the Greenstreet family. Yes, I enjoy talking to a man who enjoys to talk. I distress close-mouthed men. He's got a repertoire. This is from, oh, and Eric wants to add, Gilbert, please give away all those hoarded soaps and shampoo to a homeless shelter.

You'll feel better. Fuck the homeless. What did they ever do for me? Well, I'll tell you what they did. They bootlegged Aladdin and made you no money. Sold it on the streets. On the F train. Liz Belmont, our friend Liz Belmont, I would love to hear you sing the Paul Tripp song from The Christmas That Almost Wasn't.

I don't think we're going to do that. Do you know that movie? No, I know. The Persona Brasi? Talk about brutal special effects. Yeah. But I remember being kind of obsessed with that movie when I was a kid. What's the song called?

I don't know. She didn't put it down here. All right. We'll have to learn it for next year. But barring that question, what was the best and worst gift you got as a kid for Christmas or Hanukkah? I got everything I wanted. My mother never said I love you, but she was like, here, here's the Disney films book. And I'm like, Leonard Maltin.

You know, I was the only one who was excited about the Disney films. Oh, I have the first edition. I love that book. And the big Christopher Finch, The Art of Walt Disney, that book, my fucking head popped off when I got that. You've got this. I've talked about this. You have that wonderful montage on your wall. Well, I have real cells.

I have cells. And then I have this art piece that's kind of, it's a whole other thing. I can't explain it. But it's Disney-esque but it's got a whole kind of civil rights movement thing. It's very interesting. It's called Alabama Theater by a woman named Elizabeth Russell. It's all little blocks of pictures and the outside is all Song of the South. It's over your kitchen table.

As you go in, it's like pictures from the civil rights movements. It's really interesting. But yeah, I have cells. I had all these Disney tchotchkes, like ceramic stuff and porcelain bisque scenes. I mean, I had them all. Did you save any of that stuff? Well, Jerry, my husband,

as soon as we moved in together, which was 25 years ago, he was like, this shit's going away. I'm wrapping it up, and I'm putting it in boxes, and you were not having no Disney tchotchkes, so I had to get rid of it. It would have been gone by now, but I wasn't ready at the time. So, yeah. But I.

Probably worth a lot. Oh, I don't know. No, it's not. Really? It's not really. No. No. But I'm telling you, that Disney Films book by Leonard Maltin, I love that book.

And one time I was in Vegas and I passed this guy and I thought it was Leonard Maltin. And I was like, Leonard, I love that Disney films book. And he turned around and he was like, I didn't write a Disney films book. And I was like, oh, my God, John Landis. I'm sorry. I thought you were Leonard Maltin. Is that true? You thought John Landis was Leonard Maltin.

Yes, I did. I could understand that. We had Leonard Maltin here. He was wonderful. Oh, I love Leonard. Gilbert, what was your worst Hanukkah gift? Did you get Hanukkah gifts? Did you get guilt?

No. You know, that's funny. Guilt is like similar to those little miniature candy Santas. Like the wrapping on it is the most fun, like the gold coins and the little Santas, but the chocolate is horrible. It's the worst chocolate. I don't think it even would qualify as real chocolate. It's brown and sugary, but-

Yeah. And it's not really good chocolate. No. You're talking about the ones in the coin, the coin? Yes. You're talking about the one in the coin? The chocolate's not good? Yeah. Those are terrible and the chocolate Santas are terrible.

Yeah, you gotta go to like Lilac's Chocolate and get some wrapped up chocolate Santas. That's what you gotta do. You can't fuck with the big... What kind of chocolate is gonna be inside of a coin? No offense to your people. But you didn't get gifts.

No, I didn't get that. Did your family celebrate Hanukkah? No, no. I wish. And then I would have gotten loads of gifts. You would have gotten eight of them. Eight gifts. One a night. I got great gifts. I did. See, I was like divine in female trouble. If I didn't, you know, I didn't. See, I was like Divine in female trouble.

If I didn't get what, like, I wanted, I would throw a fit. Like when Divine got something else. What a reference. She got something and she was like, what are these? Like, I wanted cha-cha heels, black ones. That was you. Yeah, that was me. I remember your bit about trying to to watch the the the uncle with the

pinky ring oh they were all booking and betting and thanksgiving watching tv and screaming and i was like shut up i'm trying to watch the wizard of oz i was like 12 gayer than anything and lastly from our from listener david keys uh all i have one request and that is anything that involves post-stroke betty davis well and that is anything that involves post-stroke Betty Davis. Well, you got your wish. Okay. Because post-stroke Betty Davis made an appearance.

She did. She did. Oh, yes. Christmas is here. I have a couple of obscure Christmas songs. And she used to go on Merv Griffin post-stroke in a fucking miniskirt. No, she didn't. It wasn't Merv Griffin.

She went on Johnny Carson and David Letterman in fucking miniskirt. No, she wasn't Merle Griffin. She went on Johnny Carson and David Letterman in the miniskirt. She had a miniskirt with buttons all over it and she went, Patrick Kelly designed this dress.

It has large buttons all over it and the hat that has one large button on top of it. Patrick Kelly. And the first time she was on, it was the second time she was on Carson. The first time she was on, it was before her stroke. When Richard Pryor was on. And Barbra Streisand had canceled.

And that's why she never went on Carson again. Because she canceled the day of. And Betty Davis said, and she didn't call? And Carson said, no, she didn't. And Betty went, charming. And Richard Pryor was the second guest, and he was so humbled next to her. It was unbelievable. This was 1983.

But then when she had the stroke, she went on again. The first time she was in a red dress. And she always loved to show her dresses off. This dress was made by Nolan Miller, who designed for Dynasty and many other motion pictures and television shows. And I wore this to Paris to get the Les Des Artistes award from the

French government. Let me read it. Les Des Artistes. That's me. I am a artiste. Yeah. You know,

I have to say, the impression, of course, is brilliant, but what people miss is they don't get to see you contort your face and talk out of the

side, which Gilbert is just loving. Oh, she was always where is my mouth where's my mouth you didn't tell us before you didn't finish the story when you met her when you were at the book signing oh yeah she was signing records and she was very like come here hurry up hurry up come come and that was it i love you miss davis yes okay yeah but she signed that was it she wasn't supposed to sign names and she signed it to Mario

really and then guess what that album is gone where'd it go my cousin Jeannie had it and she either sold it or lost it

Jesus she might have sold it you know that side of the film I never put this out to our 700,000 plus listeners someone out there find Mario's Betty Davis record on eBay.

To Mario. It says for Mario, Betty Davis. Yeah. You want to play a couple of these, Frank, and see if these guys can recognize these songs, and then we'll just go to music? Oh, what is it? These are five singers doing Christmas carols, and I want to know if you guys can tell me who's doing the singing.

So we'll do this quickly. We'll do it randomly. You want to do it randomly? Okay. You're trying to stump me too? I know what they are. You know what they are. Here's number one.

I have no gift to bring for love. gift to bring the rum pum pum pum That's right to give the king the rum pum pum pum rum pum pum pum It's not It's not Lorne Green

as you'd guess. Is that I don't know. Think classy horror star. Is it Boris Karloff? John Carradine? It's Christopher Lee. Christopher Lee?

Doing a heavy metal version of The Little Drummer Boy. Oh, my God. I find some weird shit. I just realized it was The Little Drummer Boy. Yeah. My favorite Christmas special. Yes. Wow.

Oh, that's right. You talked about that. Play a little bit of that again. Here we go, Frankie. A little more Christopher Lee. On my drum. I don't think he's playing. Yeah.

I think he's just singing. Oh, my God. That's scary for all the wrong reasons. It really is. Heavy metal Lee. That's frightening. Okay, next one. They were stumped.

Let's take another approach of the same song. I know. Mario will get this one. Come You know, Mary will get this one. Bob Dylan. The worst Christmas album ever. All right, that's enough. He's not even on the cover of that album, yo. He's passed out on the one horse. He does Oh Come All Ye Faithful.

He does a bunch of them. Oh, he comes in and goes, he comes in and goes, he comes in and goes, hey. Oh, he keeps it close. He keeps it close. He keeps it close. Hey. Oh, my God. Do you hear what I hear? Apparently not. I knew you'd get that one easily. What else, Frankie?

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. We got dueling Zimmermans going on. This one's going to be a little tricky. Okay. Looking at the screen, man. I'm not looking at the screen. Santa works all day in his workshop, making a lot of games and toys. Then one day he hops in his sleigh to bring them to the girls and boys. By his consonants, he's Italian.

Oh, that's Joe Pesci. I gotta learn this. Use that slate. Funny, for an Italian, there's no vibrato. You were so funny the way you got that. Because I went with the thing, the thing, and then it's fucking. Oh, and as soon as you said fucking, I'm like, all right, go ahead next. Gil, did you know that existed?

No. Did he do an album? Yes. What? Did he do an album? I found all his shit. I've got to get that. Too scary.

I've got to get it. What's scarier, that or Christopher Lee? Oh, God. Okay. And Frank, very cannily, has saved the last two. I know what you're up to because these are Gilbert Gottfried favorites. I'm going to throw a hint out there. Or podcast favorites.

Would it be Christmas? favorites. Danny Kaye? You're warm. Oh, can I get a clue? Frank, you want to give him a clue? Some say he shattered the glass ceiling when it came to singing. Some say he shattered the glass ceiling when it came to singing. Some say he shattered the glass table. Oh, Danny Thomas? It's Danny Thomas.

Yes, yes, yes. Close. Danny Thomas. That is Danny Thomas singing Christmas songs. Brought to you by Windex. Just a different version of the Windex. It's just a different version of Windex Christmas Hour. Oh, gosh. He shattered the elastic.

He put something extra in your stocking this year. And it wasn't a lump of coal. Imagine how happy I was when I found that. Oh, geez. That's great. Awesome. Is this the last one? And the last one.

What is it? I got to queue it up. Okay. You know, Peggy Lee did a great Christmas album. Actually, it's not. Santa will be climbing over the table this year. Oh, God. All right.

We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast. But first, a word from our sponsor. Here we go. Another one for you, Gil. Chest we go. Another one for you, Gil. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Jack Frost

nipping at your nose. Yuletide carols being sung by a choir and folks Dressed up like Eskimos Any guesses? Mel Torme's The Christmas Song. Wow!

Any guesses? It's not Mel Torme. He wrote it. Is it Victor Mohn? Not Victor Mohn. Some say he may have stalled when he was recording this. He may have what? Stalled.

Stalled. It's a perfecto version, Gilbert, if you will. Perfecto telly? No. George Maharis? No way. That is George Maharis. He's got a nice voice.

Doesn't he? Yes, he does. And he's got some toilet paper stuck to his shoe. He's got some toilet paper stuck to his shoe. Do you know the George Mahara story? No, I don't. You don't know the George? No. I'm ashamed of you as a faggot. I'm sorry.

What did I do wrong now? What happened? Okay. Okay. George Mahara was caught at the height of his career was caught in a gas station men's room in the stall

with a guy by the name of Perfecto Telles a hairdresser so he liked pussy too yes yes he was quite the pussy hound you didn't know that scandal George Maharis and Perfecto Telles He was quite the pussy hound I didn't know he was You didn't know that scandal?

George Maharis and He was caught Perfecto tellies I didn't even take the key What is he an idiot? What do you mean he got caught? In the men's room bathroom? Yeah In the stall

Oh god no See it wasn't an individual bathroom He's a pig Going in a stall like that Like a fucking cow I'm surprised you didn't know that story I didn't know that's disgusting Yeah didn't know. That's disgusting. I was very happy to find the

Danny Thomas and the George Maharis Christmas songs. Wow. That's two of my favorite rumors. I looked hard for a really hard, I searched far and wide for Cesar Romero Christmas song. I could not find one. Yeah, and they squeezed

out their cookies on Danny that day. Oh, God. I could not find one. Yeah, and they squeezed out their cookies on Danny that day. Oh, God, I am not touching that. All right, favor us with one more, and then we're going to turn it over to you, Maestro. Frankie,

I believe you have this queued up. Oh, this is the song. Yeah, this is our little duet. Okay. And we're going to see if Gilbert can stay either on meter or in key. When have I ever failed? Never. Okay, so we're going to do this as...

As what's written there. Oh, okay. Yeah. Should we say? Yeah. No, we don't. I think this is what's called a special old memory that we're bringing back by popular demand. Yeah, but last year was Betty Davis.

This year it is not. I don't want anybody confused. No. Okay, go ahead. This is a callback to your very first appearance here. Oh, it is? Oh, okay. I don't remember.

Go ahead. So here we go. A little Christmas memory, a little flashback. Our Christmas gift to our fans. Oh, the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful.

And since we've no place to go, let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. It doesn't show signs of stopping. And I brought some corn for popping. The lights are turned way down low. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. When we finally kiss goodnight.

Oh, I hate going out in the storm. But if you really hold me tight, all the way home I'll be wild. Perfect. The fire is slowly dying, and my dear, we're still goodbying. And look at you love me so. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

Ha, ha, ha, snow, let it snow. Musical interlude. When we finally kiss goodnight. How I hate going out in the storm. But if you really hold me tight. All the way home I'll be wild. The fire's slowly dying. Have my dear wife. Good, good, good, good bye.

As long as you love me so. Let it snow. Let it snow. let it snow, let it snow I'm a jazz baby Little jazz baby, that's me There's something in the tone of a saxophone That makes me do a little shimmy on my own. Because I'm a jazz baby. Did you ever meet her in your travels? I did.

I did meet her a few times. She's still with us. She still is, huh? Yeah. She's well in her 90s. She must have passed 95 at this point. Hello, Dolly. That was a flashback to your very first appearance here.

I did Carol Channing that time. We did when Harry met Sally. Oh, that's right. You as Carol Channing and Herbie Villachess. You know who I always forget to do? Well, Peggy Lee. Yeah, well, give us a little Peggy Lee. No, not now.

Next year we'll save it. Okay, next year. And Lauren Bacall. My Bacall is quite good. You know I knew her. Yes. And I loved her. Yes. Oh, my God. I knew you were friends

with Kathleen Turner so I decided to work that out. She's my, I love Kathleen. She was on a flight with me. She was on a flight with me to San Francisco and she was like, what are you doing here? I was like, I'm going to San Francisco. What are you doing here? I'm going to San Francisco too.

I'm like, what are you doing? I'm spending the 4th of July in Bolinas. I'm like, what are you doing? I'm spending the Fourth of July in Bolinas. I'm like, Bolinas? I go to Bolinas. Oh, Bolinas is the greatest town in Northern California. There's a lot of the great white shark infestation. It's just miraculous. The surfers all stop when they see one like a prayer circle.

And ships, they're abandoned and they go off. They sweep up onto the shore. I like Bodunich's Bird. Well, I'm spending mine in Healdsburg. Well, Healdsburg is nice, but Bodunich's is better. Did you ever see anybody do Kathleen's? No. My brother lives in Santa Rosa.

I'm like, I love all the Charlie Brown stuff. Yes, here's a house. It's shaped like Snoopy. I'm like, I love all the Charlie Brown stuff. Yes, here's a house. It's shaped like Snoopy. Do you know what's scary? What's that?

After not appearing on the screen for years, she pops up in that last of the Dumb and Dumber. Oh, yes. And the entire thing, the entire character description, is how ugly she is. Is that what they did? Are you serious? Yes. She was a striking woman. She was striking. And you know, she also became the great theater actress.

Like her, Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf, which I think she should have won the Tony for. We were nominated that same year, 2005. And she, her, Virginia Woolf, her Martha, oh my God. And Bill Irwin playing George. Oh, yeah.

Unbelievable. Unbelievable. He won the Tony. She lost it and she was. And she's a good comedian. Did you ever see The Man with Two Brains? Yeah, she's funny. Oh, yes, yes.

She's very talented. I loved her. And Serial Mom, of course. Oh, God, I love that. That John Waters movie. Yeah, I love that one too. Oh, it's great. We got to get John Waters in here.

Or Kathleen Turner. Either one. Yeah. Well, God, I love that. That John Waters movie. I love that one, too. We've got to get John Waters in here. Or Kathleen Turner. Either one. Well, we'll lean on you to help. Okay. Gil? Well. Okay. He's going to do a big finale.

Oh! You know, I have to have Judy Garland make an appearance, because Christmas is nothing without me, Miss Judy Garland, and I'd like to do a song that Count Basie and I did originally on my show in 1963 with Mel Torme, who we eventually fired because he was unruly and just very demanding. He did some marvelous material for us, but we had to let him go. And, of course, he was the first to write the book about me. He was a son of a bitch.

So we'll do what we did last year. We'll sign off. We'll wish everybody a happy holidays and Merry Christmas, and we'll let you take us out. All right. This has been Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast with my co-host

Frank Santopadre and we've had on the guy who's been dogged by unproven gay rumors his entire career and I wish they would stop Mario Cantone. As everyone knows, I love

pussy. Where's my development deal? My friend, this was great, as always. Thank you, guys. My chest hurts from laughing. I think we did pretty well this year. I think we did extremely well. The bar was high. It was very high.

I'm Judy again, because I'm going to take you out with a marvelous song. Well, we want to wish our fans and our listeners a Merry Christmas. I forgot about that. We gave them what they wanted. I love my fans. I love all of you. We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy Hanukkah and Kwanzaa and whatever you like to celebrate. We'll see you guys next year.

Happy Christmas. The snow is snowing The wind is blowing But I can weather the storm Why do I care how much it may storm? I've got more love to keep me warm take it Liza I can't remember a

worse December just watch those icicles fall what do I care if icicles fall I've got my What do I care if I sickle for a month?

I've got my love to keep me warm. Back to you, Mama. Off with my overcoat. Off with my gloves. I need no overcoat. I'm burning with love. My heart's on fire. The flame

goes higher. But I can't weather the storm. Why do I care how much it may storm? I've got my love to keep me warm

How facey, everybody. It's swinging, isn't it, Liza? It's terrific, Mama. I'm so scared. Liza, don't be scared. I'm so terrified. Liza, the ones with the greatest fear have the greatest talent. Oh, thank you, Ella.

I appreciate it. I give 100%. You give what you can, darling. Off with my overcoat. Off with my glove. I need no overcoat. I'm burning with love. My heart's on fire.

The flame grows higher But I can weather the storm Why do I care how much it may storm? Oh, happy Christmas, Lousa Oh, happy Kwanzaa, Mama. I've got my love to keep me warm. Thank you. Social media is handled by Mike McPadden, Greg Pair, and John Bradley-Seals. Special audio contributions by John Beach. Special thanks to Paul Rayburn, John Murray, John Fodiatis, and Nutmeg Creative. Especially Sam Giovonco and Daniel Farrell for their assistance. guitar solo Thank you.