Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - GGACP Classic: Pat Cooper

Episode Date: June 8, 2023

GGACP pays tribute to the late, legendary comedian Pat Cooper by revisiting this memorable interview from 2016. In this episode, Pat sounds off on a variety of interesting topics, including the mob's influence on showbiz, the difference between Jewish and Italian comics, the popularity of Jimmy Durante and the self-importance of Ed Sullivan. Also, Pat disses Paul Anka, praises Alan King, turns down Martin Scorsese and clashes with the Chairman of the Board. PLUS: Joe DiMaggio! Lola Falana! Robert De Niro roasts Don Rickles! Shirley MacLaine bombs at Caesar's! And Pat tries to make a baby laugh! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Try the new creamy parmesan and bacon Quarter P pounder today and discover how words are so unnecessary for a limited time only at participating McDonald's restaurants in Canada. TV comics, movie stars, hit singles and some toys. Trivia and dirty jokes, an evening with the boys. Once is never good enough for something so fantastic So here's another Gilbert and Franks Here's another Gilbert and Franks Here's another Gilbert and Franks

Colossal classic Hi, I'm Gilbert Gottfried. This is Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast. I'm here with my co-host, Frank Santopadre, at Nutmeg Post with our engineer, Frank Furtarosa. And we've interviewed a lot of famous and successful people on this podcast, but only a few can actually be called legend. Well, our guest this week is the real deal. He's an actor and comedian who's been making people laugh for the past six decades. He's played top nightclubs, sold out theaters, headlined Carnegie Hall, and released best-selling comedy albums.

In his long career, he's worked with everyone from Jackie Gleason to Dean Martin to Tom Jones to Robert De Niro to just name a few. Please welcome to the show one of the funniest men in the world, the low-key and laid-back Pasquale Caputo, Pat Cooper. Why didn't you say that at my roast? You're the only one on my roast. You close my roast, and all you do is tell 17 dirty jokes. That's right. Why does he close it? I said, guy that's going, why is he closing? I says, because he's a ball breaker.

He had to close it. I said, because he says, you know, I can't follow Paco's fast. I said, you can follow anybody out of here. And I am not a legend. Let's get one thing straight. Okay. Now, you know, I love you and I care about you. But, you know, what are you going to do? You've got to have some

kind of friends. I am not a legend and I'll tell you why. Why? Because the people in my business, including you, don't really say that from your heart. You don't know what a fucking genius I am. Now you're telling me

that I'm a cripple coming out of the fucking hospital. Now you need me. You don't need me. You don't need me. If you didn't have that fucking voice, you know where you'd be now? In a merry-go-round.

Trust me. In a fucking merry-go-round. And I love you. I love you, Gilbert, but I'll never forget my roast. Never. You fail so big that people say,

Jesus Christ, you think this means he'll quit? That's not this bad. He'll never quit. He'll do another roast and break other people's balls. I said, but you know, no one's going to roast you. They can't handle your voice. How do you need

this crap? You've got children. Go home. Suck on a nipple. Do something. Fucking believe it. That was a memorable roast, Pat. I'm sorry? That was a great roast. It was. He destroyed it. I was really building and building. Then I had to follow him. I'm saying,

holy shit. Jeff Ross was funny. Lampanelli was funny. Well, Lampanelli is not funny. Lampanelli is the excuse to talk about sucking cock. You take that out of her, she's out of the business. And she's not funny. Lampanelli is the excuse to talk about sucking cock. You take that out of her, she's out of the business. And she's not funny. She's full of shit. You can tell her I said it.

She's got no respect for people who turned around out there to help and build her up. So she turns around, she says, well, you know, I want to give back to black people what we took from them. You took shit from your mother for nobody you took. What did you take? Not a fucking bargain. They're all bargains

in Italian. And I love when the parents go, well, you know, she's really a good girl. Bullshit! You don't suck cock on the national television. Do it like everybody does. They do in a nice corner and they don't tell nobody. Then she loses 85

pounds and she lost comedy or whatever she had. No. I think she's going to work someplace else. She works in Carnegie Hall. She belongs in a hall. Unbelievable.

I don't believe that woman. I don't believe none of these fucking people. I'm the last of me, thank God. Two more of me, I'll kill myself twice. I don't understand. Nobody has twice. I don't understand.

Nobody has joy. I don't see joy. Gilbert, I don't see joy in our business. I see everybody jockeying for their cock. That's what they're jockeying for. Nobody's jockeying for dignity and character. You blow yours when you were born. You know, your mother thought you were twins.

I go, no, that's his character, Debt. So, and my friend said, Pat, you know, Gilbert loves you. I said, why didn't he love me

when I needed him? On my fucking road. She goes, Pat's a fucking legend. Now in the hallway he's telling everybody I'm a fucking legend. If this gets to Warwick,

Warwick, Pennsylvania, I'll suck cock. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. I'll suck cock. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Pat, let's go back. Go back. We just came here. I want to talk about you as a kid growing up in Brooklyn.

Yes. In Midwood. Do I have it right? Red Hook? Yeah. I was actually born in Coney Island Hospital when it was closed. He's from Coney Island. I'm from, yeah.

You were born there too? Yeah. Not a curse. Tell us about the old theaters because this is good stuff from your book. Tell us about hanging out at the Roxy and the Strand and the Paramount. Well, that was my life because I had no growing up in the sense that, you know, you either work or there's the fucking door. I mean, my father and my mother had no mercy for nobody. That's it.

So I would try to sneak out. I would see some of the greatest. The amazing thing is, you know, as dumb as I'm supposed to be growing up, because we had no show business people in my house. And I spotted something. I said, why are the Jewish men funny? And I said, because there was nobody else but the great ones, all Jewish comics. I fucking loved them. I said, and then I found out, simple, it's in the genes.

And they have an automatic rhythm. And when you learn from that, rhythm is so important as a comic to get that wave and that groove. It's like going to a hearing a jazz artist. And I adored all of them. All of them. And I would go home and get my mother-in-law to beat the shit out of me. I would sit through six, seven shows of Red Buttons or Jan Murray's. And then they came to my house when I worked Vegas. and I'm going, I fucking couldn't believe it.

And they're looking up to me like, you know, I'm the new guy. I'm going, you know, I'm brawling. These kind of guys. I said, Pat, you know, you did something nobody did. He says, well, I didn't know what the fuck I did. He said, you know, you did something nobody did. I said, well, that's good. Then a few years later, I went on Tom's Night.

I told everybody I was full of shit. And everybody said, your career's over. I said, no, I raised my price Then a few years later, I went on Tom's Night. I told everybody I was full of shit. And everybody said, your career's over. I said, no, I raised my price a thousand. I learned that from a Jew. See? Because you've got to be different. You're different, and I respect you, and I don't know. Fuck it.

Tell us. See, your thing is you. Yes. You're not a friendly guy. You don't deal with too many people. Because, you know, you really don't have a certain kind of thing. I is you. Yes. You're not a friendly guy. You don't deal with too many people. Because, you know, you really don't have a certain kind of thing. I loved you on when, what's the name? You know, the tic-tac-toe.

What's the name? Hollywood Squares. You were fucking dynamite. I mean, talking dynamite, I'm saying fucking thing. There was one time on one question you said about 18 fucking lines. And I was looking at that. I was saying, you don't see that no more. Where the fuck do you see that?

Now you turn around and you're that kind of genius. And now we're in a fucking cell. So you're not only throwing away the duck. You're throwing away all the million dollar fucking jobs. And now you come in. You know what it is? You want to be pregnant again. That's why you're in this fucking room.

And your poor wife, she don't know. She goes got a connection i'm sorry that's okay you once said what that what was the difference between jewish comedians and italians i know i remember you said to me, you said that you had watched Jewish comedians and you worshipped them. Oh, I still do. And the Italians sounded like assholes to you. Well, the comics, you see, no. I was actually the first to say I'm an Italian with a name Pat Cooper. Yeah. See, Jackie Vernon was a wonderful comic.

Oh, yeah. But, you know, when I come out, everybody, Pat Emory said, I'm an Italian. Everybody's a fucking Italian. And I said, jeez, that caused a whole riot. Then everybody came out. Even Dice Clay, when he first came out, he begged to be Italian. Oh, yeah. Begged to be Italian.

That's right. Jewish guy. You know. I remember you said, like, and you figured it out that the Jews went through years. We kill people and the Jews are funny. Yes. Something like that, I know. That the Jews went through years of suffering and slavery.

And what did the Italians do? They sit in their yard. That's right. Did you come to the roast of... I'm so fucking old, it's embarrassing. The guy that passed away burned himself alive. Pryor. Oh.

Were you at Pryor's roast? No. I closed it. Nobody had balls to close it. Now, why me? So I looked at some of the Jewel comics, and I said, well, you know, give it to Paddy. Give it to me, you fucking crazy.

I mean, Debbie Giant was there. You know, all the guys, I mean, and Richard Pryor, and he was in the wheelchair. And I don't know if you remember my opening line. I said, when are you going to die? And the fucking place went, I said, Italians, we shit, we eat, and we die. You fucking made an epic out of this fucking thing.

And everybody's going, I don't fucking believe what he said. I said, oh, he can say it. If everybody's going, I don't fucking believe what he said. I said, oh, he can say it. If I say it, I'm a piece of shit. Right? That's why I get, that's why nobody puts me into show business. They go, oh, Pat, he's been around. What do you mean I've been around?

I did everything a human being could do. I never became major star. I became a name performer. That's all it is. Now, you told a story in your book where your father... You read my book? Yes. Yeah, we both read it. Are you fucking nuts?

Yeah. It's a good read. Your father was a bricklayer, and he was sitting at the dinner table, and your mother was busting his balls. Right. Oh, yeah, that's a true story. And then finally he stood up. You want me to tell the story? Yes, yes.

Well, my father's got up because he was very quiet, never yelled at anybody, but he could bury you with silence. He got up, he went into the bedroom, and he took out the wedding license, and he says, where does it say on this license I got to take your shit? I said to myself, that's fucked. I wish I said that to myself.

What a fucking idler. My old man didn't know about it. He goes, you know, and then one time when he turned around, he said, all my life, I don't want to know expense. I want to go to work. I don't want to know house. I don't want to that. And behind his back, my mother was getting ready to buy a house. True story.

And he finds out. He goes, well, let me speak to you. When he says that, you know, this shit's going to hit the fan. He says, I hear now that you bought a house, and I told you I don't want to know about a house. So next time you want to get a fuck, fuck your house. And he walked out and never came back, lived in the Hotel St. George for 32 years.

That's a fucking man. Wow. He didn't give a fuck. He said, I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. That's a fucking man. Wow. He didn't give a fuck. He said, I don't give a fuck. You'll take your shit. That's all. And my father says, today, you don't go to college.

Don't be stupid. You go to school. No, a little bit. He said, first you take a job. After the job, then you go to school. Because when you go to college at first and four years,

there's no job. So who the fuck is a smart? I go, gee, that makes a lot of sense. I went out and worked. Today the kids don't work. They want to go because they want to play on the plant. Who the fuck what they do in college? See, I'm a genius of myself. Nobody else thinks I'm a genius. But I'm a genius of myself.

And I say that once in a while in the hallway. And you told a great story about Al Martino. Oh, I i got a lot of my stories about him good singer good singer al martino was uh no no i should say to our listeners no sorry i should say to our listeners known to most people as johnny fontaine and the godfather that's how most people would know uh would know al martino. We had Italian scenes years ago. You're not going to have no more. That's all over.

And we had Jerry Vale, you know, and those kind of guys. And Al Martino, like I say, we had a lot of them. But there were a lot of performers you met who were owned by the mob. What do you mean? You don't know you were owned by the mob? What are you, a fuck-horse? You're a Jew? You're so full of't know you were owned by the mom? What do you fuck? Of course you weren't, Jew. You was so full of shit.

You were nailed to the fucking wall. You don't know how many times your wife went to bat for you. Then you want to know why she's got scar tissue on her ass. Think about that. You don't think you were. Let me tell you something. When you're a celebrity, I don't care if you're Italian, Jew, and there's an Italian wedding, you're going to be there. They don't give a fuck who you are. I went. There was me, you something. When you're a celebrity, I don't care if you're Italian, and there's an Italian wedding, you're going to be there. They don't give a fuck who you are.

I went. There was me, Connie Francis. There was Jay Black. And there was the black comedian from the impersonation from Chicago. He went to jail anyway. George Kirby? Yeah, George Kirby. And we went there.

And everybody says, are you getting paid? I said what? There's a wedding I mean gang everybody was there the rocket guys and even good guys were there too.

I said you don't get paid at an Italian wedding you shut your fucking mouth they go what do you mean you don't get paid? You don't. You're doing it

from your heart or you're going to wind up with broken fucking hands what do you want to do? It's up to you. You know what they do? You never go for a fucking dime in a restaurant. You never pay a hotel fucking room. That's how they

pay you. But they don't take it out of your pocket and say, here's $10,000. You know what I'm saying? They would say, Pat, God bless you. We love you. It's no case. I was staying at the Halloran house. I would go there at the end of the week. I'd go, what do you owe? Nothing. The old man took it.

I said, my father? My father don't go for shit. Old old man. Because they used to call the wise guys the old man. So I turned around and I said,

jeez, I don't, anything. Go to a restaurant, never got a bill. Never. So what I used to do, if the bill was,

say, $100, all right, they'd say, boy, you don't know this. I would take the $100 and leave it as a tip

to show that I wasn't a cheap fuck. So then you become a nice guy by doing that. But you don't know us. I would take the $100 and leave it as a tip to show that I wasn't a cheap fuck. So then you become a nice guy by doing that. But you were going broke anyway. So how the fuck can you win? But that kind of life was part of being Italian because they grabbed me. When I went on Jackie Gleason, I mean, Sunday and Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, I was getting phone calls.

I don't remember half of their names. They said, you know, you're with us. I go to Chicago, I'm with them. I go to fucking Maine, I'm with them. Who the fuck am I with? You're with them. It was okay. It was okay.

We took the gifts, whatever they gave us. There's a good story in your book, Pat, about you having to make a baby laugh at a wise guy's house. Oh, Al Martino. Yeah. Oh, that's Chicago. Chicago, 6 o'clock in the morning. Al Martino refused to die at 6 o'clock in the morning, let alone get up. And he says, Pat, you've got to get up tomorrow to these wise guys.

I said, yeah, I mean, you know, there's a christening. He said, 6 o'clock in the morning. He said, I hear my voice. I said, well, I don't know what to say. He says, Pat, you know, I said, they pack the room every night here. You got to reciprocate. You got to show. And we go there, and there's more scar tissue on the face than on the fucking carpet.

Everybody, you know, Patty, God bless you. God love you. Jesus loves you. You know, you're coming in for the baby. Six o'clock in the morning. And the guy goes, I, sing for the baby. And Al goes, well, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but, you know, I got to sing tonight. Please sing for the baby.

He said, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but I got to, you know, my throat. Sing for the fucking baby. And Al turns around, you know, and starts to sing. A silent night. And the and starts to sing a silent night and the kid starts to scream I mean fucking convulsions he said how you making my baby cry you hear you make this is going on

I'm going now it's going you don't know is it the song he said no you don't know how to fucking sing to a child the kid can't breathe the kid can't breathe and he goes get the fuck out of here get out of here to a child. The kid can't breathe. The kid can't breathe. And he goes, get the fuck out of here. Get out of here. And he goes, Pat, make the kid

laugh. Make the kid laugh. He can't make the kid sing. You want me to fucking make the kids laugh? I can't make my son cry. I'm scared here. What the fuck's going on here? Make the kid laugh. And the kid's crying. I'm going, go to the little baby shit. get out of here

I'll fucking break your neck the two of you we were thrown out at 7.30 in the morning unbelievable because you motherfucker making my kid cry you stay out of my fucking way

and you know what are you going to do nobody believes that that's the story and didn't Al Martino leave the country for a while well Al hadn't leave the country and let me tell didn't Al Martino leave the country for a while? Well, Al hadn't left the country, and let me tell you why.

Al Martino had, Here in my heart, and your balls are hanging, or whatever the name of the song was. And it was great. Sang great. And, you know, he goes to the wise guys. He says, I want to need help in the slot machines and all. I mean, the machines, wireless machines,

you know, the nickel and dime machines to play his record. He says, you got it, Al. You got it. Okay? Maybe two, three, four million of those machines are on Chicago, and they were playing that fucking record like you couldn't believe, playing it.

Okay? Now, about six months go by, they yell, you know, where's the paper? He goes, what paper? He goes, what paper? He goes, what the fuck? You got to give us $25,000. He said, for what? He said, we put your record in the machines.

We had it played on the radio. He says, I don't give any of you, I give you nothing. They said, you don't give you nothing? He said, okay, now you're going to see us. He left two days later, took a plane, never came back, went to Germany. He went to Germany and started singing, singing and became a big hit in Germany. Then, finally, years later, he had to pay to get back in the country.

He reached out for a few guys but he had to pay that $20,000 and he finally paid the $25,000. But a stubborn fuck. A stubborn man. That was him. I said, $25,000? They made you a number one hit. how the fuck can you not pay them

you know and he said not me I don't pay nobody you don't give nothing well the Italians you know I look

I'm a pretty good Italian but a lot of Italian performers don't pick up a check they don't pick up a check they go hey Nick how's everything is this your table

I said no I'm waiting for a bus of course it's my fucking table Joe DiMaggio my closest friend forced five balls on me I said Joe how many balls can I take of you yeah me I don't take No, I'm waiting for a bus. Of course it's my fucking thing. Joe DiMaggio, my closest friend. Forced five balls on me. I said, Joe, how many balls can I take of you?

Yeah, me. I don't take. I said, I don't sign. I don't want nothing. I love you. You're my idol. I said, do me a favor. I don't want the balls.

He puts two. Pat Cooper, Joe DiMaggio. I said, take the name off so I can give it to the kids. He goes, I can't take the name off, Pat. I said, why? He says, then you'll sell it. Then I'll sell it? Your fucking balls? I gave it away anyway. I saved, I don't save

my autograph. Of course, you know why? It's mine. So if I die, they're gonna go, we gotta sell, fuck them. Everybody, now I'm just reading the paper that Joan Rivers is gonna start selling her lampshades. I mean, what the fuck is that? What the fuck is this? This pain in the ass. How the fuck can you be that way?

Now she's selling a Vos for $300. I mean, next to me selling, you know, tea bags. What is wrong with you? You're fucking dead. It's fucking over. What the fuck, Marty? When your broke ball's up here, you're not the nicest fucking girl on the planet, and you're full of shit, Joan.

So cut the shit. Don't be that way. Because I don't like I worked with you, and you're full of shit. I said, you make me laugh, people like you. I don't understand that. I don't be that way. Because I don't like I worked with you and you're full of shit. I said, you make me laugh, people like you. I don't understand that. I don't understand that. Now we're gonna buy your fucking furniture. Why? Give me one fucking reason

why. I said, I turned down Van Gogh. The fuck am I gonna do with him? I said, that's right. What am I gonna do with all that shit? I'm gonna see how anybody wants to buy Van Gogh. Who the fuck is Van Gogh? The people I know don't know who Van Gogh is anyway.

Now, when you were first, your big break on the Jackie Gleason show, when after you did that, you were getting calls from your in-laws and your father. No, my parents. Yeah. Oh, that's shit. Everything hit the wall. Yeah. Oh, that's a shit. Everything hit the wall. Because at that time, I'm separated. See?

So naturally, I'm not doing. I'm working the 802s in Brooklyn. I'm working on Queens, you know. And I'm making a couple hundred here and there. And I'm happy. I don't expect stardom. I'm fucking happy. I'm driving a cab.

I'm laying brick. I'm doing okay. Supporting my kids. I'm doing okay. Who the fuck figured? Willie Weber, as you know, was one of the big agents. He said, you hang out with me. I'll get you on Gleason.

I'm going to another fucking record. He's going to get me on Gleason. And I said, all right. He said, yeah. And he kept his word. And when I went on that show, I mean, I'll never forget that day. I was all by myself. There was nobody there.

I was working in a little hot dog stand, helping a guy out in Greenpoint. I put my tuxedo on. The baker came along and drove me to the studio with Jackie Gleason, a true story. And Jackie comes downstairs and he goes, let me tell you something, Cooper. If you weren't the greatest, you couldn't do my show.

And I just froze. I mean, I was all by myself in the vestibule. And I must have talked so fast, I don't fucking remember that night. And then Sunday, I mean, we taped on Tuesday. We taped on Tuesday, it was show on Saturday. Sunday, I had the Copacabana with Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons.

Two weeks later, I worked with Bobby Darin at the Flamengo. I work with Tony Martin in Reno. I mean, I was getting money that I never, I mean, $1,500. Oh, we got to kill my mother. Never saw that kind of money. You know, I'm going, Jesus Christ, $1,500 fucking dollars. Holy, I'm working with these big guys. But I really was not prepared for the Sinatra show because that got me uptight.

Because I could not work free because it was Frank Sinatra and they were waiting for him. And I follow Count Basie's band, April in Paris. You got to follow that. And they go, here he is, Todd Cooper. And I walk out and was like, why the fuck are you here, son? Who the fuck needs you? Bring on the old man, Phil Harris. I said, Phil, what's the matter?

You can't find a girl? Well, a couple of days later, Frank Sinatra just calls me in. He said, don't go out there and make those kind of remarks. I said, Frank, no disrespect. I don't tell you what to sing. Don't make an ass out of me. And jelly almost shit a brick. He goes, you told Frank that? I said, Frank, no disrespect. I don't tell you what they're saying. Don't make an ass out of me. And Jelly almost shit a brick. He goes, you told Frank,

I said, yeah. I'm all by myself out there. I wish the fuck they'd fire me. I couldn't get a fucking, I couldn't buy a laugh. I couldn't buy a fucking laugh. And they kept me there for 56 shows. And I didn't really get to know Frank. I got him at

Rocky Lee's. I go to Rocky Lee's and said, Pat, Frank wants to say hello to Frank. I got him at Vinnie Pinneo's Rocky Lees. I go to Rocky Lees and said, Pat, Frank wants to say hello to you. I said, Frank, who? I don't think it's Sinatra. I sat down with him. We started to tell stories and I became his friend. But I was not with that show. I didn't belong there.

And I knew it. I didn't belong under Johnny Carson. Johnny Carson didn't know where the fuck I came from. I was terrible. You have a story in your book, Pat, about Johnny Carson. He peed on my shoe. Peeing on your shoe. I was on West End Avenue, me and my wife, where we hung out in Jellies.

And, you know, everybody's waiting for Sinatra, and everybody's waiting for Sinatra. And Frankie Randall, I think, was working at the piano player, or the other guy that Judy got on to use him as a conductor. And I called into the bathroom, and I other guy that Judy got on to use him as a conductor. And I called him to the bathroom. And I'm hearing brrrr on my shoe. And I went, oh, who the fuck? You're pissing on my shoe. He goes, I'm Johnny Carson.

I said, I don't give a fuck if you're Kit Carson. You're not going to pee in my fucking shoe. And I had to go home, because I lived in West End Avenue. And you're going to change my pants. And everybody said, how can you do this to Frank? Fuck, I mean, to what Jack Johnny Carson. I said, who the fuck is he? Nobody does that to me.

My father did not spit at him. Are you fucking crazy? And they said, uh-oh, trouble. This guy's trouble. Because at that time when I was opening my mouth, you're not supposed to say nothing. Now everybody's opening their mouth. Now they're all getting serious. Everybody's getting a fucking serious. And I'm saying to myself,

when I said I didn't like so-and-so, I didn't like so-and-so, fuck them too and fuck them too, they were going to blow your career. I said, I didn't blow my career. My dignity is more important than that bullshit. I said, I'm not going to give up my dignity. How am I going to look into people's eyes?

And they said, well, you shouldn't back off. And I see it today. They still don't protect their dignity a lot. They want the fucking money. They don't give a fuck. And what was your opinion on Carson? Carson was one of the most brilliant of that 30 years. I'm drinking water.

Nobody like him. People forget there was nobody like Steve Allen. There was nobody like him people forget there was nobody like Steve Allen there was nobody like Jack Parr Johnny Carson lasted 30 years but an unfriendly fucking man

and when he did that to me I figured he would forget about it he moved to California and they tell me to go on a Carson show he heard my name. He said, not this guy, not on my show. Fuck him. Okay?

How do you remember? You pee on my show, and I got to be the bad guy. So in other words, your dignity, fuck yours. I fuck you and Johnny Carson. I'm still here. He's dead. Fuck him. You outlasted him, Pat.

You outlasted him. Tell us about some of the other clubs. Tell us about playing Latin Quarter and Jilly's and the Copa. The greatest Copa Cabana will never be another one like that. Never be another one. You talk about nerves and you talk about some of the great guys that I love, and I still love them, had a problem walking down those three stairs. And I had no problem because I don't know why I didn't have a problem.

I just ran down and did whatever I did. And everybody said I got good reviews. But still, I wasn't ready for the ad lib part of my career because I was scared to take a chance. You know, I said, maybe I better not this show. Maybe Frank will get mad if I say this. Now I don't give a fuck what they say because I made a little bit of a reputation. And people are saying, Pat, you know, Mike Douglas and all

the other shows, I was funny as hell. Always had great stories to tell. Frankie Valli, all right? No sense of humor. Guy said, Pat, how'd you like Frankie Valli on The Sopranos? I said, I'd rather get Death Valley. He calls up some guys

to call me and tell me to lay off. I said, the mafia's going to beat the shit out of me? What the fuck, you people crazy? Billy Crystal.

They honored him as the man in the bar in the fucking Friars. And I'm there. Big mob's there, Billy, because I love Billy. Great talent.

And I walk up, I said, Billy, I don't get upset, because I love Billy. Great talent. And I walk up to Billy. I don't get upset, but I turned it down. He went, what? I said, I don't want to be named after a bar. They gave it to you. It's a joke.

I told the owner who the fuck was running the Friars. He goes, he turned it down? They go, it's Pat Cooper. I don't fuck.

He goes, he got shook. It's your major fucking star. You're insulted? It's a joke. I don't fuck. He goes, wait a minute. He got shook. You're a major fucking star. You're insulted? It's a joke, you sick bastard. Yeah, I did two movies with him, and he keeps looking at me asking my wife, how do you live with him? My wife goes, he's a genius.

That's the only way you can live with this guy. That's why I used to tell my wife, God love her, I used to say, they don't pinpoint me as, say, one of the comics. I don't even make that rate. And that's okay because it doesn't mean nothing. I made my mark what I had to do. But that would offend me when I know guys are not in my fucking league. And you turn around and tell me I'm not in that league.

I'm fucking insulted. But I go about it. Now, the reason I didn't want to come in because I don't like all that shit. I quit. I quit. Not quit. I didn't want to come in because I don't like all that shit, I said, I quit. I quit, not quit, I really retired. It's over. I have trouble because my body said, it's fucking over.

And when it's over, it means I can't remember. And they said, well, you know, get some papers and put it on the piano. I said, if I got to do that, I'm not going to be happy. And I left. And I'm okay. I look at some of the comics who shall not be named should quit 10 years ago.

They can't say die. They can't talk. They're spitting the fucking shit out. They have no respect for the audience. You have a respect for the audience. Where's your dignity? There's no fucking dignity. You know.

You're the biggest thing in the country. So your last 45 years of your life as the biggest thing. One day you're not the biggest thing. And you'll break everybody's balls. Now you hate everybody. Rodney Dangerfield, same thing. Rodney Dangerfield was an MGM. He put a thing in his ear and his wife's got to tell him the jokes.

And he's going, I can't hear you, honey. And the people in the audience are going, what the fuck is that? He's got to hear the jokes on the... And now I'm hearing Al Pacino. In his play, he can't fucking hear. Then get off the stage. It's over, Al. We had the Godfather.

It's finished. Bob Hope... The fuck more do you want, Al? Bob Hope at the end, too, Patty. Bob Hope at the end. He also had a... His daughter was in an earpiece in his ear. The last bunch of specials he did.

Well... NBC. Look, I'm not against that you can't hear. I can't hear. They go, can't you hear? No. Not yet. It's over. It's fucking over.

That's like saying, you know, fight Mike Tyson now, you know. They don't. See, you, we're going to get you out. We will get you out. I hope so. I swear to you, if I'm alive in another year or two This will be a joke to you

You will turn around with your kids And take them to the fucking Brighton Beach where the Jews belong You know that And you will do a great job And you're gonna say to your kid Listen Moish Trust me

Moish Trust me That man is a fucking genius And we didn't give him the accolades And the kids will go What's accolades? Now go kids will go, what's accolades? I'll go fuck yourself. That's what it's all about.

We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast after this. Pat, you've been friends with Jerry Lewis a long time. Tell us about seeing him. Yeah. We talk a lot about him. A lot of people put down Jerry Lewis. No, no, no. That's stupid.

That's stupid. Yeah. Because Jerry did a thing like, you know, when Jerry became popular with Dean Martin, that fit. That was the glove for the two of them. And you saw them a lot. Tell us about seeing them. They all go, hey, there's a thing with the Japanese teeth.

And you go, this fucking guy is brilliant. You know what I mean? He did songs. He did movies. I mean, this fucking guy is brilliant. He did songs, he did movies. I mean, this guy's like another chaplain, you know,

and it's breaking his heart and I know Jerry, I would love to see Jerry fuck him, it's over. You know, get laid, fuck abroad,

do something. But he loves show business so much, I think he wants to build a museum. Now, and you saw Martin and Lewis live.

What was that like? It was a riot. Now, you got to know the Paramount Theater, and I don't lie. I saw Frank Sinatra cost me 55 cents when he was just starting the Rooney and Crooney. When Dean and Jerry came, it was, I mean, fucking bedlam. Now, I knew Dean Martin, not putting him down when he had his old nose. His name was Dean Martin. But, you know, you look at him, he wasn't a handsome guy.

And I saw him at the Lowry State, and he was, you know, and he bumped into Jerry out in Atlantic City. And what happened is the fucking genius of this whole team, Dean became a monster also and he had to get rid of Jerry because Jerry unintentionally was overbearing with that great talent he had

he was sleeping he was doing fucking routines this guy he loved show business I mean you talk about loving it he loved it they don't make him like that no more you know they don't go I want to hang out. You know, I want to be like George Burns.

You know, they want to die 45 or fuck abroad at 50. They don't worry about being the George Burns. Those guys are gone. Those oil paintings, you'll never see that no more. I lived, I worked with George Burns. I mean, when he said, Pat, I need 50 minutes. I said, I can't do 50 minutes, George. He said, why?

I said, I'm coming in next week with Tony Martin. You have to ask Tony Martin's permission if I can work 15 minutes for three days. He said, what? I said, you heard me, Mr. Burns. I'm working for him. He said, I got to call up Tony Martin to ask you to do 15 minutes. I said, I can't do it. He's got to let me loose.

And he called up Tony Martin. And Tony said, Tony can't do it. He's got to let me loose. And he called up Tony Martin and Tony said, God love his soul. I love Tony. And Tony says, well, Pat, do it for me. And fucking George, you know George, he goes, you little guinea bastard. And he hugged me. I said, I never heard of that

before. I said, it's called dignity. I would never do that to another performer. I said, I'm his dignity. I would never do that to another performer. I said, I'm his comic. You don't do that. He said, I'm supposed to work with him on the opening night. And, you know, crazy things like that, people say I's a fucking asshole.

Because sometimes, guys would beg for the job, and I'd say, you don't have to beg for the job, you try to earn the job, but no, if you stop begging, you lose your character as an individual. So people say, well, he's a fucking wiseass. I said, you don't have to beg for the job. You try to earn the job. But if you stop begging, you lose your character as an individual. So people say, well, he's a fucking wiseass. I say, well, geez, don't you give me at least 10 cents credit that I'm trying to, you know, keep my dignity a little something. I mean, I worked with a lot of big stars.

I broke Robert De Niro's balls. Not to break his balls. That's the kind of guy I am. I walked up and said, Bobby, what can I say? Can I say anything? What can I say doing a picture with you what can I say tell me say something

he doesn't know what the fuck to say to me two three years later Robert De Niro thinks he's funny my cock is funny he don't belong in fucking humor

okay I'll tell you that right now and now he's doing a movie called The Comedian. There's nine million comedians out there that are fucking brilliant. And Mr. Happiness is going to do the fucking thing.

Mr. Happiness. You know what he said while he's doing these pictures? He said he needs the fucking money. It was in the paper a week ago. He says he's got so much payment for his kids and for his ex-wives. I said, who the fuck cares? You're a trillionaire. You're a crybaby.

Italians, same way. Terrible. Okay? But you can't do that. But getting back to Lewis, you remained friends with him. You saw him as Martin and Lewis. Came to my house. Yeah.

But let me tell you where I saw him the first. I'm sure you saw it on the newsreels. They were so fucking hot that the street was mobbed. And Dean and Jerry were hanging out the window throwing pictures. And I'm sitting there and I, you know, never thinking I'm going to be in showbiz. I made that a couple of impressions. You know, I never really, I loved it so much, but I didn't have like a Jewish friend say, this is how the Jews do it.

I'll guide you. I didn't have that. The Italian said, yeah, you the Jews do it. I'll guide you. I didn't have that. The Italians said, yeah, you're an asshole. What the fuck? You know. You know. I mean, if I did all those, my father's going to hurt your knee. You know.

But, you know, they didn't help you. I mean, all Jewish people and tough old Jews that I used to live in the neighborhoods, they would turn around. They go, hey, the schmuck, my son, the schmuck. I don't understand what they're doing. Oh, Jesus Christ. Paschali, God bless you. Father wants you to be a worker. The schmuck has got to go to school to be a fucking genius.

And I go, yeah, fuck the geniuses. You're right, Mrs. Vannebannowitz. I didn't know what a genius was. But, you know, the different coaches, my father said, you work. Go to work. Fuck them. You've got to have money. Otherwise, you're not going to, and you ain't going to get it from me.

Never give you nothing. Nothing. Zippo. You want to eat? Yeah, that's what we eat. I said, I don't want to eat that tonight. Starve. Here's the fucking door.

Today it's called child abuse. But you were one time booked to do the telethon. Oh, yeah. And they told you to do like five minutes. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I didn't want to do it. I said, what the fuck? I'm going to do this.

And they said, Jerry, now what? I did not know Jerry was not there. This is where he had the trouble. He was already taped some things and he wasn't on that last one. I go to Jack Jones. Isn't that a bargain? Jack Jones. I had something with him when I saw it.

That's another story. And anyway, I go there, and the guy that was on the cop show, the Jewish comic, wonderful guy. A skinny guy, skinny guy. Anyway, all right. What? Oh, shit. Which cop show? Huh?

Was it a cop TV show? Yeah. He played like a detective. He lives in, oh, oh, he has a house in Spain. I mean, in France. You know. Oh, Belzer.

Yeah, Belzer. Oh, oh. Belzer was the emce MC, okay? They said, okay, Pat, you're going on at 4 o'clock. I said, I ain't going on at 4 o'clock. No fucking way. I come all the way out here to go on 4 o'clock. I'll be on at 1 o'clock. I said, my friends are sleeping. They're old.

Are you fucking nuts? He said, well, you gotta go. You don't go around. That's Belzer. Fuck you. And fuck Jerry and all of them. I ain't gonna do it. And I didn't. That's the truth. I said, don't tell me when to go on. Four o'clock in the fucking morning. So the guy, so she says, the guy says to me, well, Dean Martin's daughter's doing it. Let Dean Martin's daughter do it.

I ain't going to go on that time of the morning and fucking. She's going to be fucking. And the theater was a bunch of cowboys. They're going to understand Italian. The fucking ain't going to know me about my act. And I said, no. and we went back home. And you, Scorsese, asked you to audition for Casino. You've got to get a copy of the tape when we roasted Jerry Lewis.

And he was sitting behind me. Oh, yeah. With Dean Martin. I mean, with De Niro. De Niro. And they're waiting for me, you know. And they turn around and they says, hey, what was the name of the movie?

Casino. Casino. Wonderful mother. Wonderful mother. So the scene was going to be with me and his mama. And the secretary says, Pat, Mrs. Scorsese is going to send you a script. I said, oh, Jesus, I don't have to read anything?

Yes, you're going to. So I sent the script. And he goes, Ma, how are you feeling? I'm okay. Cut! I said, that's it? I said, no, I can't do this. I don't want to do it. She goes, you're going to tell him not to do it? I ain't can't do this. I don't want to do it.

She goes, you're going to tell him not to do it? I ain't going to do it. I don't want to do it. I want to read for a part. I want to read for Don Rickles' part, because I think I'm a better actor than Don Rickles. I said, just let me read and fail. She goes, well, Mr. Scorsese.

I said, no disrespect to Mr. Scorsese. I went to his mother. I apologized. I said, nothing personal, Mr. Scorsese. I said, but I'm not going to do that. Why am I breaking my balls to be something than just go, you know, brush me? The fuck am I? So you're not saying this guy's a name performer, not a star, but a fucking name.

So I forgot about it. Now we do the Jerry Lewis. All right. And he's behind me. And what's his name? The nearer is behind me. And I go, well, and now here we are, Mr. Scorsese, who threw me a bone to do the movie. And I explained to the people, and I'm busting his balls.

I go, and here is how it was. Hello, Ma. Hi, son. Cut. Great Scorsese. Gave me a fucking cut. I son. Cut! Great Scorsese. I mean, you're fucking cut. I said, and he's looking at me, I go, oh, you're

a fucking genius. Me, you're fucking cut. You know, but at the time, it was even funnier because he didn't have the balls not to laugh. And I said, you know, I said, you know, he's not going to give you another movie. Fuck him.

I don't need another movie. How fucking dare you threaten me with him? Let him tell me he's going to give me another movie. I'll fuck you in your movie. Who the fuck are you? You were nobody at one time. All I wanted was a little part where my name said something. I got the two De Niro parts by accident.

I got them and I did a nice part and that's, you know, I had some meat in the fucking part. I got him, and I did a nice part, and that's, you know, I had some meat in the fucking part. I said, no, I'm getting old. I got to turn around and get him off. Fuck you. So even my wife says, she's from Robert De Niro.

I said, what do you want me to do? What do you want me to do? Now look at him. He said, genius, it's over. The great De Niro is fucking over, which is nothing wrong. He had his fucking moments. Take your cock out and jerk off.

The party's over. And he's doing that right now. He's fucking doing it now. You saw him on national television when he roasted Don Rickles. They made an asshole out of Don Rickles. How fucking dare they? How fucking dare they?

Him and that guy, Bill Williams, the guy from the television, the guy who said he jumped out of Don Rickles. How fucking dare they? How fucking dare they? Him and that guy, Bill Williams, the guy from the television, the guy who said he jumped out of a parachute. He jumped out of his sister-in-law's cunt. That's where he jumped out of. So he turned around, and what do you think?

Look at the tapes. Look at the fucking tapes. He turns around, and they're making fun of Don Rickles. Literally making fun of him, and Don don't pick up on it. He's false, you know, making that he's laughing.

But Don can't hear too good either. And Don's not, don't have that flow comedic like he always had. And he's just there and they're jerking him off. And I'm yelling at the Curtis, get the fuck off, you non-talented shit. Get the fuck off. You don't do that to a man of his caliber. And everybody said the fuck off. They don't do that to a man of his caliber. And everybody said the next thing.

Did you see what those guys did? I said, yeah. They made a jerk off out of Don Rickles. How dare they? This fucking guy, one of the greats.

And Don, he's sitting there. He should have quit. Don, quit. What the fuck you doing? You're hopping, hopping, hopping again on the stage.

You got a butler to take you to stage. What do you need that? Lay down. Lay down. Have a matz to take you to stage. Why do you need that? Lay down. Lay down. Have a matzah. Do some fucking. Become a Jew again.

I said, the fuck more do you want? I mean, it's an insult. He's such a fucking great, the greatest fucking comedy days he had on television. Some of the funniest fucking things he had. Jesus Christ. I know you don't like Jesus Christ. But you say, Jesus, Jesus. Help me, Jesus.

I can't tell you how much. Moses, don't bother me. You're Jesus. I appreciate what I got. And I knew him when he grew up. When nobody would talk to him. Rickles, you mean. I'm sorry. That's okay. I was just going to ask you about doing the Sullivan show. There's a good story in your book

about Sullivan asking you to remove a certain word from your act. Here's a man that a fucking pen to take any shit was funny. And we were subject to a man with no fucking talent. We had to be monkeys in a fucking cage. He had no respect for the performance of my caliber. And I said I had to do my routine. I did it during the rehearsal. He goes,

you can't. I said, what? He said, you can't stay pregnant. I said, well, that's not funny if I say expecting. Then you're not going to be my fucking show. I'm not going to be your show. And it wasn't funny. And I said, I didn't say pregnant. I said expecting. And I'm saying, you be in a show. And it wasn't funny. And I didn't say pregnant. I said expecting.

And I'm saying, you got to kiss this ass. A man who can't swim in a puddle of fucking water. And he's calling himself a fucking great diver. How fucking damn stupid we were. How stupid we were. We were mesmerized by this man who had no fucking talent. He passes gas in sections. That's what he does.

So don't tell me about fucking people. Now you can say it because these guys here, even Howard Cosell, I was a fan. They gave him a show, One Night Elastic. Oh, yes, the Saturday Night Live show, yeah. Howard Cosell. Where the fuck do you belong on the entertainment stage? You're a ball breaker.

You're a great genius of athletics and all that shit. But we had enough of that shit. It's enough with you and Mehali Ali and the other back and forth. Who gives a fuck? Let's get down to entertaining. And he winds up being the emcee. Great talent walking the street, can't get a job. Do you remember that, Gil?

Howard Cosell had that live show on Saturday night on ABC, the same time that Saturday Night Live did. One night. One night, yeah. One night. Now, you, one of your big breaks was when you were a kid. You went on like, your sister was going to sing on some talent show. The Fox Theater in Brooklyn. Yes.

Every Monday night, they had the amateurs. Now, in those days, I was a kid. I was doing Tommy Dorsey's trombone. I was doing Howie James' Flight of the Bumblebee. I was a fucking idiot. They go, do that thing with the trumpet. My father's going, That's what you do with your fucking mouth. an idiot, you know. They go, Paddy, do that thing with the trumpet. My father's going, Fongola, fucking Fongola.

That's what you do with your fucking mother. You know, and I said, no, that's Harry James. My father's going to yell, oh, God, say, oh, mother, yell, oh, God, say. You did impressions, too, didn't you? So we go down to see my sister's going to sing Ave Maria. You want to get any Catholic than that? Ave Maria.

You hear me? Nobody was allowed to fart in the building at that time. He's getting ready to do Alfa Maria. My little sister, my biggest sister, right? And then Joe, I think of his name in a minute, Joe, wonderful man. He says, now ladies, him he went into a home. Now, ladies and gentlemen, he says, Grace Caputo is going to sing the Ave Maria. See how quiet is it? Ave Maria. If she fucked it up,

she was going to get a standing ovation. My mother walks up with a bunch of fucking flowers. Okay? And she had asthma. And she's sneezing her balls off with the fucking flowers. Now, before that happened, they come to me and said, Mr. Pasquale,

we got in trouble. Joe says, they need another three, four minutes. I said, what do you want me to do? Well, you know, your sister, they don't want to end it like that. He says, can you do three minutes? I said, okay. I'm a fucking dummy. Joe goes, ladies and gentlemen,

it's Pasquale Caputo. He's going to do some impressions. Here's Harry James. Here's Tommy Dosey. And I get a fucking standing ovation. And I win the fucking $25. And they gave my sister the clock, which was broke. True story.

And my mother wanted to kill me. If my father had a gun, he would have killed me right in the fucking theater. They'd go, Paddy, we love you, buddy. God bless Paddy. Spitting all over the fucking thing. But at that time, a kid like that, doing these kind of things, they'd say, what a pair of balls. Who the fuck would do that?

I did it. And they never lived it down. See, my father would rather have my sister sing in Braille than me getting a hand doing Al Jolson. That's where their fucking mentality is. You understand? But I overstepped my life in that house. I didn't belong in that house. I had no fucking way of living there.

I ran away from home. Nobody looked for me. Because, you know, you got to make a stand. You did impressions too, Pat. You said you did Jolson. I did everybody. I did Cagney. I did Cagney backwards, forwards. I did Cagney

in Spanish. I did Cary Grant. I was like a little kid in a corner. I was like coming in my pants. Better than sex. I did Cary Grant. I go, Pat, do Tyra Grants. I go, Judy, Judy, Judy. Then I went, do Cagney. Oh, you're dirty rat.

They go, Pat. I go, how fucking I was having. Oh, I was so fucking happy. I'll die now. My father goes, under the cone. I'm making a jackass. I go to confession. I go, Pascal, the priest.

Yes, father. He says, you've got to descend. I go, I got no sense. What sense can I have, I go, Pascal, the priest. Yes, Father. He says, you've got to do sin. I go, I've got no sense. What sense can I have, Father? Really? He says, well, you know, you have to say what's on your mind. I go, you're a dirty rat, Father. You're a dirty, dirty rat.

He goes, you're doing the James McCartney in front of Christ. I said, what do you mean? He goes, I'll tell your father he'll do it, James Cogony. I said, I'm going to get you, you understand, Father? Don't give me no bullshit, Father. That was all. I called my father. My father went and threw me

out the fucking window. And my father never went to church. I mean, it's all hypocrisy, the bullshit. So when you do something and it's off center, that's good. That's good.

I don't mean to kill somebody like that. I don't mean that. But to do something, and I know when I got off Tom Snyder in 1980, and I told Tom Snyder who the fuck I didn't like, I mean, Tom looked at me like he couldn't believe it. Because I said, fuck it, I'm going to fight back. I'm an opening act, but I'm not a piece of shit. You know, they would send their flunkies, you know,

Stephen E would send their flunkies. Tell that guy to do this, I'd say, are you paying me? Are you fucking paying me? Don't tell me what the fuck to do. Who are some of the people you don't like?

Well, Stephen Eady. Yeah. Tony Bennett years ago. Tony never remembered who I was. You know, Tony would turn around and go, man, let's work together.

I says, we're working now. What don't you remember? You know, and then a couple of singers, oh shit, Jerry Vale, I went after. I went after a lot of people. Lola Falana, I think. I says, we're working now. Don't you remember? You know, and then a couple of singers, oh shit, Jerry Vale, I went after. I went after a lot of people. And you know something, I don't regret it.

Of course, it was the greatest fucking thing making me feel good that I said what was on my mind. And if I meant my career, I'd have fucked it. Because I wasn't going to get myself trapped into that because I wasn't raised that way, but I't raised that way.

But I was raised that way without my mother and father. My mother and father say, get the money, shut up, and go to bed. Get the money. So I said, I want to be something. I don't have to have a wife. I was a cab driver. I had more pussy than pussy was out there. I was getting laid. My laid was getting laid.

I was doing, I had my first black woman. I cried. I wanted to marry her. I went fucking nuts. When she said, call me the brother, nobody ever called me the brother. Well, I had my first black woman. I cried. I wanted to marry her. I went fucking nuts. When she said, calling me the brother, nobody ever called me the brother. Well, I'm not sure. I went like a fucking wild man. And I was a kid.

I was about 112 pounds, six feet two. And I was in a cab. And they go, you're the brother, mama. You are the brother. I jump in the fucking back. You know, and I want to experience that to people. And I wanted my kids to know. They're the fucking, They got no heart.

That's part of life. That's part of fucking life. You shouldn't say that on television. Fuck you. You got to say it. While we wait for Gilbert to find the men's room, we promise we'll come back to the show after a word from our sponsor. Don't go away.

Okay. Bobby Darin. Wow. Wow, wow, wow, wow. What a fucking talent. God love his soul. What a talent. God almighty.

What a natural to die at 36 years old because he had a bad heart. And I'm working with him at the Flamingo. First time in Vegas, I went from the Reno with Tony Martin, and I went to, I want to cry because it's such a moment, you can never, you'll never have that. Nobody today will have those kind of moments, Copacabanas and all that. I was very, very, you know. So I go into the rehearsal, and I walk over and say,

Bobby, how are you? Pat, how are you? How goes, hey, Pat, how are you? How you doing? I said, fine. I said, how much time do you want? He said, 11 minutes. I said, okay. I had a clock on the floor.

So when you walk out, it starts out with 11, 10, 9, you know. And I go out, and I do 11 minutes. I walk out, and I finish. He comes out. I know what he's doing he's doing whatever the fuck he's doing. And a couple of days later, he comes to me and says, Pat, I'm going to go pick up my wife at the airport. I said, okay, stay on the stage until I come back. Now, all I had was 11 minutes, another three minutes.

What the fuck? I got scared. I said, well, how fast will you come back? He said, I'll be back in a few minutes. So I go out there, and I'm doing my 11 minutes, another three minutes. What the fuck? I got scared. I said, well, how fast will you come back? He said, I'll be back in a few minutes. So I go out there and I'm doing my 11 minutes and I'm starting to add whatever I can remember. And I go, is he there yet? Is Bobby coming there? Is he there yet? He'll be right back. He'll be back. He'll be back.

Is he coming? He'll be, ladies and gentlemen, I swear on my mother's eyes, I swear he'll be here. Is he back yet? No. Never came back. Of course, her plane was late and he was waiting there. Now when he comes back, they shut the show down. There's no second show. Because what the fuck are you doing? I'm doing?

Who the fuck told you to go pick up your wife? Can't you go fucking get a guy to pick up your wife? You're a fucking star. I could have picked up your wife. I could have done my 11 fucking minutes. I could have gotten the cab and picked her up. And if she's late, who gives a fuck? You're not working with me no more. I ain't working with you no more.

And I went to the copa with him after that. And a couple more times after that, another one, another bargain in our fucking business. Paul Anka. He should have been a fucking, he should have been a fucking Anka. I should have told him to fuck him over. A disrespect to no fucking manners, this red bastard. I'd love to fucking eat his bananas up. What happened?

56 fucking shows. 56 shows, yeah. Never said hello to me. Never acknowledged that I was a piece of shit on the stage. Nothing. I go on the last fucking, the last show. I tap him on the shoulder. I stop him singing.

I said, Paul, my name is Pat Cooper. I just finished 56 fucking shows with you. Can't you say hello? And he's still singing. You're not working with me no more, right? Six months later, I'm down in Massachusetts in one of the theater in the rounds. He's in a

plane. Pat! I'm like, yeah, what is it? He says, hold the show. He said, my plane's going to be late. Fuck you. I'm going home. And I went home. I went home. That's why my fellow comedians, while I was growing up, didn't have the distance.

They'd say, Pat, God bless you. You got balls. Fuck them. They would complain to me. Say, yeah, you're right. That cocksucker. I'd be like, why didn't you say something? I got to defend you?

I'd say, ought to be ashamed of you. Say, yeah, but he's Tony Bennett. I said, why didn't you say something? I gotta defend you? I said, you ought to be ashamed. He said, yeah, but he's Tony Bennett. I got like Tony Bennett, but they don't shit on you. The fuck is that? The fuck are these people? Who the fuck are these people? I may know who these people are that they can piss on you. How about Lola Fulano, Pat? My mother couldn't piss on me. My father couldn't piss on

me. I'm gonna make strangers piss on me? Fuck him again. How about Lola Falana? Lola Falana. Lola Falana was a mistake. Lola Falana had acts open for her that were bigger than her. Dom DeLuise, Frankie

Valley, and couldn't sing. Nice figure. And you know, and I don't know. Wayne Newton was running that club at that time. And he put her back in there, and he put her as a headliner. And, you know, he put her as a headliner. And I said to my wife, let's go back and see Lola. You know, I said, she sees me in the audience, maybe she thinks I don't want to go back.

I go back. And I knock on the door. And the maid, yes, can I help you? I said, I'm Pat Cooper. Would you tell Lola I'd like to say hello? She was dead and red. I'm sorry. She's napping.

I said, just get off the stage. What does she do, nap standing up? I said. And she said, I beg your pardon, sir. I said, my wife and I, we know we want to. She said, I beg your pardon. She's napping. The woman has another show tomorrow. I said, I had another show tomorrow pardon. She's napping. The woman has another show tomorrow.

I said, I had another show tomorrow. I'm not napping. Then I go on to Tom Snyder, and the name come up, and I went after her. I said, not a bargain. Not a no talent. Not a no talent. Now, what do you think she said when her career was over? I went celibate.

Who the fuck asked you? Now, what about Bob Hope? Well, Bob Hope, I got a call from a lady today that asked me to do a movie. She said, Pat, I followed you around. That's very nice of you. She goes,

I work for Bob Hope. I said, cheap prick, a real cheap prick. She goes, what? That's one of the cheapest pricks in the world. Wouldn't go for a fucking quarter.

If you wanted a fucking water, she's going, Pat. She said, he was all right to me. Yeah, yeah, he like you. Piece of shit. I said, I can't stand people who are stingy and fucking miserable. I said, he never picked up a check. He never did nothing. I said, and that's the story. She goes, Jesus. She said, Pap. I said, I never picked up a check. He never did nothing. I said, and that's the story.

She goes, Jesus. She said, Pep, I know you got it. I said, I got a big fucking mark. It's cheap. The whole fucking world should know he's cheap. But meanwhile, you know, we all saluted him like he went to the fucking war. He did nothing. What did he do?

He went in front of people and go, I'm Bob Holm, I entertain you. Where's the fucking bullets? If there were bullets there, you wouldn't see Bob. No, hold on. Full of shit. And they all got their fucking perks. A lot of Bob takes a perk. His perk takes a perk.

And Alan King. One of the best. Let me see if I can pronounce that. Monologist. One of the best. And I don't know why I never got along with him. I don't know why I never got along with him. He turned around.

I worked with him at the Sinatra Theater in Florida. And he opened up for me for five minutes. And then I went into the mine, then he closed. And he became the thing of the Friars. Oh, yeah, the abbot. I said, you ought to get Costello. And that was the end of me and him as a relationship. And he was a pretty good dinner.

But one thing I will say about him, and I thanked him and he looked at me and said, you're fucking nuts. I said, no, you're very kind with your compliments, I said, Alan. And he looks at me and goes, are you all right? I says, yeah, I'm all right. He says, do you have a problem getting up in the morning? I said, yeah, I get up. That's my problem.

And we never really got together only that the couple of days that we worked in florida but one of the tops i mean if i didn't like him personally i didn't like i'll say he's the one of the tops he was one of the best and uh you never know you never tell somebody so i don't like him is he funny funny i don't like him fucking dynamite funny your buddy Steve handed me a note here Pat it says Shirley MacLaine

that shit I got Barton MacLaine remember Barton MacLaine what a reference wow listen to me there was a guy in Florida

I mean in Vegas I can't think of his name he did like you know Walter Winchell kind of thing loved my ass because I used to open my mouth they always gave me something to write.

Anyway, she goes, she's working at Caesar's Palace. Shirley MacLaine. Bombs. Okay. None of my business. I go about my business. Five, six months later, Pat, you're working with Shirley MacLaine at the MGM. I said, okay.

I said, fine. I said, fine. I said, can I get billing with this fucking broad? Of course, you know, she steps out of her body. You know that, don't you? I said, tell her when she steps out, don't let her go back again. So listen to this. Listen to this.

And her boyfriend at that time was Pete the writer. Oh, Pete Hamill. Yeah. Pete Hamill. Pete Hamill. Okay. And there's a big statue of her with her legs spread in a dancing motion. And my name's between her crotch.

So I'm driving down. I'm going, wait, what the fuck's my name doing behind her crotch? I go backstage. Who put that fucking sign up? Guy said, well, we have this Pat Cooper. I got equal ability not behind her fucking crotch. Take my fucking name down to there. So they go, well, we have Mrs. Pat Cooper. I get equal ability, not behind her fucking crotch. Take my fucking name down to there. So they go, well, we have to move her leg.

I don't give a fuck if you move her body. I'm not going to be in her fucking crotch. I said, you got some fucking nerve. And she gets wind of it. So I go backstage. I go, Mrs. McLean. I said, I ain't putting my body or my face behind. She goes, well, I needed that.

Why? Give me one answer why. Pete Hamill's on the floor, peeing, screaming, laughing. I said, I don't understand you. Who the fuck are you? Why can't I be? My mother comes by and sees me between your crotch. Now what?

She goes, well, I don't like your attitude. Oh. I worked there two weeks. Oh. I worked with her two weeks. Oh. That was the end of me with her. Now she walks out of her body. She waves at people, goes back in again. Milton Berle.

Never be another one like him. Never, never, never, never. What this man got accused of was remarkably funny, but it was not true. Because he was better than what they accused him of stealing shows. They didn't know how fucking great this guy was. This guy did everything. This guy did movies. Even some of the small movies he made, he was brilliant.

And all you assholes out there, all you fucking assholes out there who think you're funny, out there, all you fucking assholes out there who think you're funny, this guy signed a 30-year contract with television where nobody wanted to go on. This happy Jew went on and became the greatest fucking comic in the world. I said, even Hitler loved him, this motherfucker. Don't tell me about Milton Berle. Don't bury him and say he steals. He steals your cock is what he steals. Don't tell me about Milton Berle. Don't bury him and say he steals. He steals your cock is what he steals. Don't tell me about Milton Berle.

Wow. The fucking guy's a genius of his genius, genius. 30 fucking years on television, and he had to get beat up by a cardinal. A cardinal couldn't mind his fucking business. Couldn't mind his business. Let Berle go on another year or two. No hard feelings. I'm a Catholic, but I love McConnell.

I didn't realize Hitler was a Burl fan. I mean, think about it. I don't hear the Jews say, we love you, Milton. You're the only one. That's what the fuck's the matter with the Jews? He steals everybody's coke. You know why? Because the Italians relate to the word steal.

So they think he's one of them. He steals everybody's coke. You know why? Because the Italians relate to the word steal. So they think he's one of them. He steals jokes. So, Buddy Hackett. Buddy Hackett, God love. Buddy Hackett was completely nuts. Completely, completely, completely nuts. Didn't he carry a handgun around with him, Pat? I'm sorry?

Didn't he carry a handgun around with him? He carried everything. His balls, his handgun, everything. He was very funny. Very funny. And if you didn't like him, you didn't like to laugh. And he did say things that were really hurtful. We went to a party where they were, excuse me, they were christening a baby.

I don't know what the Jewish people say. A bris? It was a girl. Oh. And said, buddy wants to say a few words. And, you know, he's an icon. He's one of a kind. And my wife, you know, my wife thing said,

you know, Jesus is coming back. So she's very heavy Catholic. And she's sitting down. But he goes, well, let's's another way he talks to his mom. He says, well, it's this one little baby girl. She's the next blowjob. I almost fought on my wife. I told her, tell me, mother of God, tell mother of God that he didn't say that.

He's a Jew. He don't know mother of God. What the fuck are you doing? I said, that's jokes. Those are jokes. He don't mean anything to blowjob at you. She goes, why do people put that thing in their mouth? What the fuck do I know?

The fuck if they put the fucking smoke and that shit in their mouth, that's alright. If they put cocaine up their ass, that's alright. He's talking about the kid when she was 15, 18. What the fuck do I know about blowjobs? I said, I'm married to you. You never gave nobody a blowjob.

Fucking people. So that's the truth. You think I'm kidding? You're just fucking nuts. That's why they don't put me in with the crowd. See, you're in the crowd and you're not that talented. See, they don't want to offend you. I'm serious.

I mean, but you're a good laugher. That's what you should be in the audience. You're a good laugher, Gil. I was so amazed that I never, when you couldn't curse on the stage, I never cursed. Now that I could, I mean, shit. When I went after Howard Stern, I said, if he cursed, I wasn't even invented. And he was right across the hall. And they go, get that guy off.

Get him off. I said, I'm a fucking American, you asshole. You come over here and get me. I was on, what's his name? Anthony and- Opie and Anthony. Opie and Anthony. I fucking cursed him. And people still today

say, why are you mad? I'm not mad at him. I'm pissed that the fucking man doesn't say, I done that and I said that. All of a sudden he says, I'm going to retire and I'm going to apologize to everybody I called a cocksucker. I says, you're full of shit. You're a fake.

And I lost my respect for you. So you got married again. Now you want to change your fucking image? You're still a piece of shit. That's it. I go. Now they said, he's going to sue you. Sue my fucking balls. My last $30, you can shove it up your ass too.

And I was the funniest fucker on that show. Ten years. The fucking funniest. Okay? And then they said he fucker on that show. Ten years. The fucking funniest. Okay? And then they said, he's going to answer you. He ain't answering nobody because when you tell the truth, he can't. I don't want to make an enemy. I just want to tell him, why when you say to somebody, they're pieces of shit,

they're toilet this, toilet that, and you laugh, and you laugh, I said. You're not fucking meant to tell them to face, because he'll break your fucking head. And that's why I went after him. Now he's just signed for another five years. He's going to do three days a night, I think. And people say, why don't you go back again? I said, no, I'd rather go with Hitler in the Jewish neighborhood. There was one part in your book where you said, among the mobsters,

there was an expression of ginger ale. Yeah. Where you said among the mobsters, there was an expression, a ginger-ella? Yeah. Well, see, a ginger-ella is a guy that's not sure if he's queer. Leave it to you, Gilbert, to focus on the ginger-ella. Yes, yes. I knew you'd find that in the book. You've got people writing for you. So there would be mobsters who were, uh...

They were all over. Yeah. It was part of the fucking show business. You know, they were scared of you because they weren't sure if you were alive. They thought you were a Jewish Shetland pony. That's why you got away. They said, take care of everything.

They always call you a kid. You're only about 70 now, right? Not quite. Oh, God. You want to wind up? Yes. Yeah, my shorts are ripped. All right.

I'll give you a couple of more names. And then we'll... And we'll plug the book? Oh, yes, absolutely.. All right. I'll give you a couple of more names. Okay. And then we'll... And we'll plug the book. Oh, yes, absolutely. The book is hilarious, Pat. It is very funny. Yeah. Okay.

You don't say anything. You don't give a... The minute I walk out, I think, thank God, he's gone. Ginger Rogers. Jesus Christ, what a thrill. What a fucking thrill. Oh, mother of God. Pat, you're going to work with Ginger Rogers. Oh, Jesus Christ, what a thrill. What a fucking thrill. Oh, mother of God. Pat, you're going to work with Ginger Rogers.

Oh, fuck. At the Desert in two weeks. And I go in there and I said, holy shit, what an icon. What a fucking icon. I used to go in the movies and watch Howard Tinsley fucking dancing around. And I knock on the door, and a woman comes out. I said, excuse me, would you tell Mrs. Rogers I'd like to tell her what an honor it is to be working with her. I said, Jesus, you have no idea.

And she comes, Pat, how are you? I said, Mrs. Rogers, give me one of those. She started to laugh. She goes, come later. She says, Cary Grant's coming. I said, what? Who's coming to Trutha? Swear on your mother.

She goes, I don't swear on my mother. Cary Grant's coming. She goes, yeah, I want you to meet him. And I go, and she calls me on the phone. She goes, come, he wants to say hello to you. And I go in there and I go, Judy, Judy, Judy, do me a favor.

Stop doing that shit. I was so, I was so fucking nervous. I couldn't just sit here. Hey, Mr. Grant, I'm going to shit my pants. Because this is the first man I wanted to put my tongue in his mouth. I said, Grant, I'm going to shit my pants because this is the first man I wanted to put my tongue in his mouth.

I said, many years ago, we all have, you know, that hormone that you want to suck a cock. I said, this is the closest I think I want to. I said, oh, baby, back again. And she goes, isn't he wonderful? I don't know what it is i said jesus christ oh my god she goes pat you were you were such a gentleman and i said well you know i said i would have jumped him i said she goes a lot of men think that way i said well that's nice i said oh elvis elvis bradley a giant right the dumbest fucking human being Oh, Elvis. Elvis Presley. Giant, right?

The dumbest fucking human being. That got away with such shit. When I see a guy called, I'm going to throw a name at you. Jack Durant. Remember Jack Durant? He used to do Clark Abel's Secret. Can Clark Abel do this and spin around? That was talent.

But when I, what's his name? The guy that we used to open for him all the time. Sherry? Shaw. Shaw. Yeah. Shaw. Sammy Shaw?

What? Sammy Shaw? It was Pat. Yeah, Sammy. Come on down. He says, say hello to Elves. Elves. Elves.

That's what a fuck is Elves. Big name, right? Yeah. He goes, come on. I said, I don't want to break this book. Come on! And I go back. And I'm talking about the fucking mob.

And I'm going to talk Liberace had the same kind of mob. And Wayne Newton had great kinds of mob, trust me. They outdrew Sinatra's ten times over. No disrespect, but Sinatra. And I turn around and he's going, and he's throwing out oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, God, I got that back with the upper chest. And he didn't understand because he chose the fucking handkerchiefs. I was trying to tell him how to sell fucking handkerchiefs. And he's going, no, no, no, buddy. It's like a coffin all over you, this fucking guy. But it helped Sammy.

Sammy got a lot of work. Yeah, he did. And two Jews you worked for got you laid somewhere in the book. Two Jews? Yeah. They were like Jewish brothers or something. The farriers. Steve's putting on the glass farriers. They were two farriers.

The farriers. Oh, Amdur and Kaufman. Yes. God love you, you lovely Jews. I love you, I love you, I love you. Thank you, Steve. I was 14, 14 and a half on a weekend. I used to go downtown to the furrier place there.

And they taught me how to be a brush on the mouton lambs. And he goes, Pat, Saturday afternoon you come. He says, I want to teach how to nail the mouton lambs. I said, oh, Jesus. Because I thought he meant mouton. The fuck did I know? So he goes, I got a surprise for you. Was it Magni?

Margaret or Magni? A tall woman. And I see Mouton Lambs on the floor. I was about 14 or 15. He says, she wants to take care of you. So I thought she wants to teach me to nail. Next thing I know, she gives me a hug and a kiss, takes my clothes off. But when I finished, she goes, can you go again?

I says, I don't know if I went now. I don't know if I pe up. But when I finish, she goes, can you go again? I says, I don't know if I went now. I don't know if I peed. And the two Jewish guys say, now you're a Jew. Now you're a Jew. There's a heaven there up there. So fucking wonderful people. God, I'm going to cry. I'm going to cry.

I'm going to cry. What a fucking life. Before we go, Pat, just tell us. I know you love Jimmy Durante. So tell us one thing about Jimmy. Well, you want me to describe this man? Yeah. Okay.

People say, what does God look like? I say, Jimmy Durante. They say, what? I say, think. This man had more love in his performance. Kindest man. He sang September song. Nobody could sing it. Sinatra couldn't sing it. Perry Como. With that nose, singing it growly, you fell in love with him. You fell in love with him. One of a kind. Never said a bad word to anybody. Made some wonderful movies. There'll never be

another one like him. If my granddaughter saw him now, they'd go, he's got a sore throat. We grew with great things that they don't say to me. What's this other guy? His name is Ice-T. I said, what the fuck kind of a name

is that? The guy says, his name is Ice-T. I said, what the fuck kind of a name is that? I said, can't you call yourself Joseph Schmuck or whatever? No, one last take. I worked with 50 Cents when he was a quarter. You know? And I'm laughing at these guys, and I saying what the fuck Can't they have a name

Kane West What the fuck is a Kane West Are we finished We're done Thank you my buddy We just want to thank Todd Garan And we want to thank Steve Garan For setting this up

And Neil Berkley Frank Ferdinand He told me you'll beg for me, you son of a bitch. Thank you, Pat. Pasquale Caputo. Pat, wait. He's got to sign off. Wait, wait.

Take him out of bed. We love him. He's got to sign off. Sit down for a second, Pat. Please. Wait. Sit down for a second, Pat. What am I going to sit down for? Yes. Yes.

Or put the... Okay. I want you to tell everyone the name of your book. Yes. I don't know. What is the name of my book? How Dare You Say. Pat Cooper, How Dare You Say, How Dare Me.

And let me explain something. This is no bullshit, ladies and gentlemen. I wrote it with my friend Steve Garan, and it just was wonderful to do that because I never thought I could write a book, but I wrote a book. And, you know, it's not a number one, number two. It failed Ethiopia, but that's another story.

That's a great read. But when I hear that, what's his name? What the fuck is his name? The guy from The Godfather. I keep forgetting his name. Pacino. Who? Pacino?

No. De Niro? De Niro. De Niro. Yeah. When I hear he's doing a comedy, I want to throw up. There are millions of fucking people. He takes the fucking money. He's got to see, you know,

he was good and analyzed this, and he was good and analyzed that, because there were good people around him. Okay? But now, I'll give you one. George Clooney, now he's amazing. I'm not going to be, he's threatening us. I'm not going to be handsome anymore, so I'm going to direct.

Fuck you, George. You made nine million fucking dollars, and now we're going to be your handsome anymore, so I'm going to direct. Well, fuck you, George. You made nine million fucking dollars, and now we're going to feel sorry for you? You know what you ought to direct? Your fucking brains. What the fuck is wrong with you? George Clooney now, he's not going to fuck. He's threatening us. He made three bombs

in a row. You know what's threatening? He knows it's fucking over. All that shit that he's been smoking all his fucking years is catching up on him. This has been... Is that it? This has been Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast. And I'm here with my co-host, Frank Santopadre at Nutmeg Studios with our engineer, Frank Ferdarosa. Nutmeg Studios, with our engineer, Frank Ferdarosa.

And this has been one of the most tiring and easiest interviews I've ever done. I'm sweating. I'm dropping. My knee's killing me. You're laughing. Now when he leaves, you're going to go, fuck him. And please buy Pat Cooper's book. Don't buy it. Fuck it.

Get it for nothing. Get it for nothing. Get it for nothing. How dare you say how dare me? It's a great book, but get it for nothing. No one wants to pay for it. I just went to a bookstore. They're selling George Raft. It's been dead 80 fucking years.

Pat, thanks for doing this, buddy. Pat Cooper, everybody. It's got to be. Thanks, buddy. You's gotta be. Thanks, buddy. You're a treasure. You're a treasure.