Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - GGACP Classic: Richard Belzer

Episode Date: February 23, 2023

GGACP salutes the life and career of the late, great actor-comedian Richard Belzer by revisiting this memorable interview from back in 2018. In this episode, Richard is joined by former GGACP guests Tom Leopold and Paul Shaffer for a hilarious round-table discussion of essential topics, including: the glory days of Catch a Rising Star, the Jackie Mason-Ed Sullivan feud, the infamous Chevy Chase roast and the war between Gallagher and “Gallagher Too.” Also, Señor Wences sells the act, Alan King lusts after Topo Gigio, Liza plays the Rhineland and Mick Jagger pays “The Belz” a rare compliment. PLUS: “Al Capone, the Musical”! The return of Dick & Stinky! The ballad of Perfecto Telles! Gilbert “louses” Harry Shearer! And Richard remembers his friend (and hero) Jerry Lewis. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Peloton has everything you need to help you get going. Get a head start on summer with Peloton and choose a flexible payment plan that works for you at onepeloton.ca slash financing. Once is never good enough for something so fantastic. So here's another Gilbert and Franks. Here's another Gilbert and Franks. Here's another Gilbert and Franks. Colossal classic. Hi, I'm Rosanna Arquette, and you're here listening to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast with my co-host, Frank Santopadre. We're once again recording at Nutmeg with our engineer, Frank Verderosa. Our guest this week is back for a return engagement on this podcast, and we

couldn't be happier about it. He's an actor, writer, TV and radio host, New York Times bestselling author, and one of the most admired and influential stand-up comedians of the last five decades. You've seen him in hit movies like Fame, Scarface, The Groove Tube, in hit movies like Fame, Scarface, The Groove Tube, Night Shift, Mad Dog and Glory, The Wrong Guys, A Very Brady

Sequel, Man on the Moon, and The Comedian. Why doesn't anybody know you? He's also done notable work in dozens of TV shows including Moonlighting, Miami Vice, Mad About You, Lois and Clark, The X-Files, South Park, Arrested Development.

I'm going to have to shave again. I lost the suit size waiting for you. And The Wire. And, of course, Homicide, Life on the Street, and Law and Order, playing one of the most enduring characters in television history, Detective John Munch, a character that would go on to appear in at least 10 different series. You want more? Fine. He's also the author of several New York Times bestsellers, including UFOs, JFK, and Elvis.

I am not a cop. Dead wrong. I am not a psychic. Dead wrong. Dead wrong. The hit list. Hit list. And?. The hit list. Hit list.

And? Someone is hiding something. Corporate conspiracy. And the soon-to-be-published Conversations... I was waiting for you to say this. With Jerry Lewis. Conversations with Jerry about his longtime friendship with the late, great Jerry Lewis. But, as impressive as

those accomplishments are, he'll forever be known and beloved to audiences as one half of the iconic Vangeloquism act, Dick and Stinky. That's right.

Fuck you, you Jew. Oh, Stinky, we're on air now. Oh, come on, Stinky. Too bad Hitler didn't finish the job. Oh, Stinky. Come on, I told you about that. What's wrong with you? That's terrible.

You know, I try to take Stinky everywhere. Yeah. Your lips don't move at all, though. No, they don't. They don't. His lips move. Stinky. Welcome back to the show. Yeah. Your lips don't move at all, though. No, they don't. They don't. His lips move. Please welcome back to the show. Yes. My fellow survivor

of Think of the Night. Yes. The legendary Bells himself. Our pal, Richard Bell. Oh, hey-o. Hey-o. That's it. That's it. No, no. My breasts were shorter. Yeah. Oh, no. it. That's it. No, no. My breasts were shorter. Oh, no.

Well, for many ways. Hey, Gil. Yes. Do you remember when we first met? I'm going to say, yeah, Catcher Icing Star. Do you know how old you were when I met you? What? How old you were when we first met.

Oh, God. 19. Yeah? Yep. I thought I was even younger. No, 19, and you came in, and Rick Newman said, hey, this guy is good. He does impressions. Yeah.

So you went up, and you did like— James Mason, Boris Karloff. James Mason, Boris Karloff, Curly doing Beethoven. Yeah. And the shit has not changed, and that was what, 17? Yes, the same act. And the clothes haven't changed. And that was what? 17? Yes, the same act. And the clothes haven't changed. The clothes, the act. I'm working on my

Robert Mitchum image. Are you really? Should we introduce the other two gentlemen in the room? I don't think that's necessary. The other two have been, who have been annoying during my introduction. Yes.

The most important part of this show is, of course, the legendary band leader of the David Letterman Show as well as a million other credits, and that's Paul Shaker. Thanks so much. Fun to be here. Just taking up space. That's all I'm doing. How's the wine?

Good? Just taking the wine. It's lovely. Good doing. How's the wine? Good? Just taking the wine. It's lovely. Good. And now a man who needs an introduction. And now a man who needs a big introduction. No introduction.

Well, Tom Leopold. Thank you. A man responsible for so much. Seinfeld. So much of the writing. My credits are on. Responsible for so much of the writing.

Oh, thank you, Paulie. Some of the great comedy writers. My credits can be found in the National Archives. You are like the Harry Crane. Our Harry Crane. That's quite a compliment. You did that show about the bar, Cheers. You did the show with Seinfeld, right?

Caught Seinfeld? Harry Crane. Tell the folks who Harry Crane is, Tom. Harry Crane was... I came in just a generation, just missing the Harry Crane days and the salad days. Yeah. And the halcyon days.

Was Harry Crane around when you first started? He might have been, but probably pretty much retired. Bill Persky and all those guys knew him very well and said he was the funniest guy but he was the meanest guy in the world. Meanest. Meanest to the other writers, but probably pretty much retired. Bill Persky and all those guys knew him very well and said he was the funniest guy, but he was the meanest guy in the world. Meanest to the other writers, but always take credit, but hilarious. And everybody,

you've heard of Harry Crane, right? Oh, yeah. Bill Persky told us some Harry Crane stories. And you know what? Who's his niece was? Melissa Gilbert. I think she's, yeah. Oh. Now that doesn't make too much sense. Or granddaughter. Granddaughter and niece. Yeah, so I've worked with all those.

But he was considered oh, Harry Crane said this and all that. I don't really know much more about him. What did he write? A bridge for Jimmy about a boy who had his own suspension bridge. He wrote happy for 12 Minutes,

where a guy gets a check and he's happy for the 12 minutes it takes to go down to the bank and find out that it was just a big gag. Did anybody else hear me and Harry Crane or just you? I never met him. I don't know why I'm the expert on Harry Crane. You ever work with Pat McCormick? No.

Was he on the show? Disqualify me for something? No. No. He would on the show? Disqualify me for something? No. No. We missed Pat. Oh, he would have been great to have. Who else is dead? Right, who else? Everybody's dead, Gil.

Yeah. You're not looking that good. Yeah. You remember the first time you guys did Dick and Stinky? How did that happen? Oh, wow. I think it just kind of started when we'd be, like, at the thick of the night. We just started joking around.

We'd be hanging out in the car or something. But then we did it at the comedy, what was that? Comedy Relief. Comic Relief. We did, we made our stage debut. Doing that material? Jake and Stinky. Wow, great.

And we killed. Right, Stinky? You remember that? Hey, why don't you blow me? Oh, Stinky. The last time I got a sliver in my lip. Now, come on. I told you, no dirt.

We're on the air. Where have you been? I haven't seen you in a while. Stinky. Where have you been, Stinky? I haven't seen you in a while. Stinky, where have you been? Where have you been? I haven't seen you in a while. Stinky. Where have you been, Stinky? I haven't seen you in a while. Stinky, where have you been? Where have you been?

He's got it. He's got it. We know where Gilbert's been. Never mind. Anyway, Paul and I met in 1973. That's correct. The year of turmoil. The year of turmoil.

And you brought Dave Thomas into catch. Three or four. That's right. 73, 74. I was subletting Gilda Radner's apartment, and she was about to start in a show that you eventually ended up in, but you were in the original company. The Lampoon Show.

You replaced Harold Ramis in The Lampoon Show. Oliver Shulam, right? Belushi. Oliver Shulam was in it. Bill Murray. Bill and his brother Brian Doyle Murray. Yes. Gilda, the only girl.

You went in as the improv. There was an improv spot where you took questions as a Maharishi. No, as Carlos Castaneda. Oh, yes. Yes, yes. Carlos Castaneda. Brilliant every night. Anyway, there was a party where they were trying out some of the stuff for each other.

I was there just because I was living there. You were there, and you said, I got to go and do a set. I'll be right back. And I'm just new in New York. I just moved to town. And I say, I know a comic who leaves a party, goes to do a set at a club, a swinging hip club, then comes back, rejoins the party, goes to do a set at a club, a swinging hip club, then comes back, rejoins the party, which he did.

So that was our, that was the night we met. That was your christening. That was the night, yeah. Is that your wife's shirt, or are you just... Is that your wife's shirt? It's my wife's pants. My wife's spanks, actually. If I'm going to be telling the incomplete truth.

It's a lovely shirt. You know, you don't really know a woman until you've walked around in her Spanx. They look like those Mary Tyler Moore. All right. The Capri Pants. The ones that Rob Reiner grabbed onto. That was my high school drama coach was Mr. Capri Pants. Really? And he'd say, bring it down to half and freeze it.

I think he was talking about the show. Oh, or about lunch. Alright, so how did you meet the Bells, Tom? We know how Gilbert... Chris Guest was... I've known Chris since we were teenagers and he's... It's about the same time you met him.

He says, you've got to meet this guy, Richard Bells. He's hilarious. And, you know, that sounded good. And then he brought me over to see you and introduced people. Funniest thing ever. I was on the scene at Catch. Yeah. That's when we met.

The year was 1941. Yes. A date. But I remember when I first met you, you just started doing an impression of me that you just saw. It was like you were doing me. And I was so flattered. Oh, wow. Because Chris said, you've got to be Tom Leopold.

Oh. He's the funniest guy. And then he said to you, I was the funniest guy. And then we arm wrestled and it was a tie. Yeah. You had a hook, a comedic hook at that time that you let it go. Well, it was replaced by a bit. What was my hook? The old hook. You were saying, well, you know, you didn't want to do it every night. Well, it was replaced by a bit. What was my heart?

The old heart. You were saying, well, you know, you didn't want to do it every night. Oh, yeah, right. Gilbert does the greatest impression of me. Yeah, yeah. Huh, yeah. So, hey,

why don't you go outside and practice falling down for a while, okay? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's great. He's like a little parody bird. Yeah, yeah's great. It's like a little parody bird. Yeah. Yeah, sure. Belzer had a parakeet.

Yeah. We were at Howard Stern in the 80s. Yeah. And I was listening to it the other day, and it was you and I were on together, and for 40 minutes, you were just making fun of me, like, yeah, Reagan's going to, yeah, Reagan's going to, yeah, Reagan's going to. Like, just busting everything I ever said. Yeah, don't fucking patronize me, okay?

And I didn't think you ever paid attention. You're right. I never thought he paid attention to my act. Meanwhile, he's doing my – Oh, speaking of act, guess who I bumped into last night – two nights ago? Yeah. Walking down the street. Jackie Mason?

When his hair dyed orange? No. Oh, no. Have you had Jackie Mason? Have you had Jackie Mason? We have not. I don't know. Oh, God.

Let's look it up, Frank. How old is Jackie Mason? Have you had Jackie Mason? We have not. I don't know. Let's look it up, Frank. How old is Jackie Mason? Walking down where that restaurant we used to go to, Fiorello's, and coming up the street, there's Jackie Mason. Is he by himself? No, he's with this woman that's been with him, I guess it's his wife for like the last 7,000 years. This is who? Born 1931. He was born 31.

So what does that make him, 87? 87. 87, yeah. A couple of years ago, my wife went up to him and said that she's married to Gilbert Gottfried, and he goes, I don't like that Gilbert Gottfried. He loves me. He loves me.

What does that do to him, Gil? I think I was on the stern You loused him? And I think it was when he had said something on TV that they thought was racist. And I started doing like

a really racist Yes! Maybe that's what bothered him. Oh, you loused him. He's probably doing like a really racist – As him? Yes. Jackie Mason. Maybe that's what bothers him. You lost him. You lost him. Just the fact that he listens to Howard. Can you picture Jackie Mason listening to Howard?

That's an anomalous – I never had it work like that. You lost him. You lost him. Gilbert Cuthbert, you lost me. You son of a bitch. I'll tell you another thing. You son of a bitch. Here's John – I'm going to tell you the story that that. You lost me. You lost me. You lost me, you son of a bitch. I'll tell you another thing. I want to tell you the story that John Beiner told me. John Beiner was on Ed Sullivan.

Oh, yeah. The night that Jackie Mason got in trouble for giving the finger. Remember that whole thing? Yeah, sure. What happened was the Bay City Rollers were the act and they were like the poor man's Beatles. No. It was way before the Bay City Rollers.

No, no. I'm telling you. Bay City Rollers were on Ed Sullivan and the audience was yelling and screaming and Jackie Mason comes out and the audience is still kind of waiting for the Bay City Rollers to come back and he couldn't – he wasn't hitting with the audience. waiting for the Bay City Royals to come back, and he couldn't – he wasn't hitting with the audience. And after about four minutes, they finally settled – the audience settled in and started laughing at him. Stage manager offstage goes, you got one minute.

And Mason is like, you got a finger for me. I got a finger for you. He never went like this, which is a popular – he went like this. He went like this. And – Big he went like this he went like this yeah and big news it was huge news yeah so after the show beiner goes by sullivan's dressing or office to hear because he heard jackie mason was called into the office right and he hears you motherfucker you little shit how dare you make that gesture on my show I've got nuns and cub scouts watching this show you cocksucker

how dare you, you little prick but don't butt at me you little Jew motherfucker and I didn't say that and Viner was listening at the door and heard him say, you motherfucker you little shit.

So he was lousing him then. Did he ever get invited back? The big myth is he did come back. But not for a long time. He had to get beaten up by Frank Sinatra's guys first. He was allowed back. You know that story? May I?

Please tell me. May I tell this story? I can always hear it again. Do we have to cut away and sell something? Do we have to cut away and sell something? What? Do we have to cut away and sell something? Oh, yes. Yeah. Hold that thought.

We'll be right back. No, we're okay. Cute story. Cute. Jackie Mason is on stage at the big hotel in Miami. And Frank comes in a little late with Mia Farrow to see Jackie. And they come in. Of course, everybody sees it's Frank and Mia.

And Jackie meets Frank Sinatra and Mia Farrow. You know, she takes off her roller skates. He takes off his toupee. And he starts making fun of them. But just ridiculous. You know, she's doing her homework and he wants to. And just joke after joke. Just the worst jokes you can—I mean, funny, but—

Yeah, but, man, please. Okay, a day or two later, Jackie Mason's sitting in his car, or a car, and a guy comes over to the door and knocks on the window. Mason opens it up, and this guy punched him in the face, and he had his hand wrapped in, like, you know, brass knuckles. Knocks on the window. Mason opens it up. And this guy punched him in the face. And he had his hand wrapped in like, you know, brass knuckles. Broke like 50 bones in Jackie Mason's face. One punch.

Because he said she takes off her roller skates. He takes off his weight. He's lucky he got off with that. Yeah. But this is the business we have chosen. Yes. Great story, Bill. I think Gilbert and I are afraid of him. Who are you, Mason?

Well, you might need security up here. You loused him. Of course I loused him. Oh, that's right. You loused him. I can't have him. But how many years ago did she ask him about it? Oh, God. So maybe he forgot.

He might have forgotten, Gilbert. So re-invite him. I forgot. All right. Now she's angry. 10? 10 angry. 10? 10 years? 10?

15. So, now you're deafening. 15 years ago. He must have forgotten. He totally forgot. I'd like to find out how many bones were broken in his face, if that's my question. And then I heard he described it, the punch, like he said it was very professionally done. Oh!

Yeah. Very professionally. Speaking of lousing, is Harry still mad at Gilbert, Paul? Harry Shearer? Harry Shearer. I can't speak for him. I would never speak for him.

For Harry? Oh, God, no, he can't do that. Something as delicate as that. Why would he be mad at Gilbert? And I, you know... Why would he be mad at you? Because Gilbert wouldn't come down. Because I remember Paul used to one time say to me,

I am Harry, Harry Shearer hates you. Such a. But that wasn't the first you heard about him. Well, I think it was, I was like on, well, when I was on Saturday Night Live, the cast introduced themselves. Was he on then when i was on saturday night live we the cast introduced themselves was he on then when you were on uh no no yeah yeah that's the story and and we were all introducing ourselves and piscopo said hi i'm joe piscopo i'm kind of the dan akroyd i'm char Rocket. I'm kind of the Chevy Chase. Right. And I said, I'm Gilbert Gottfried. And I'm kind of a mixture of John Belushi and that guy who used to do the imitations who nobody

remembers. You didn't say his name? No. Well, I know? How did he know? Okay. So you asked him. I have a question. I have a question. Did you write that about him? No. Well, what do you mean, no?

Who wrote it? One of the writers on the show. A writer on the show. So you were uttering really a written statement that had been written by somebody.

Doing your job. Performing as an actor. I think you should bring me and Harry back together the same way Frank Sinatra. I think it was about time. Dean andatra. I think it was about time. Dean and Jim. I think it was about time.

Harry, there's a gentleman here who loves what you do. Loves what you do. But how could he blame you? I'm sure he doesn't anymore. He may have had a momentary. You're painting Harry as a very bitter guy, Paul. I know, but he has, yeah. It's not fair.

Harry forgives and embraces. He embraces. And I'm sure there would be an embrace if I brought you guys together. Can we broker this piece? Because you did not write it. What if you had written? What would you have said about him? Same thing.

I would have gone on longer. No, you don't say that when you see it. Well, forget the reunion. There would be no reunion. No, I would have said, Harry. You better rehearse if you're going to talk to Harry. Now it may hurt. And I would have pulled a picture of him on camera. All right.

Here it is. The last time Rich was here on our podcast two years ago. Who's Rich? This is Rich. Richard Belzer. I do all right. He told arguably one of the funniest stories on this show. Do you remember, Gilbert?

Yes. About Liza? Oh, my God, yes. Liza in Germany? Oh. I think I knew. I don't know this. This is great.

Her husband told me this. Mark, what's his name? Mark Giro, the fine artist? The fine sculptor. Yeah. I own a few of those, by the way. Many years ago. You have a few Giros?

I have some Giros. You know the period when he was like in love? Oh, well, that was – They first met. Before he realized. So it was a colorful period. Yeah. So Liza's on tour in Europe and she's got her band.

And virtually every guy in the band is Jewish and they're, and they're in Germany and they're, you know, in the dressing room. And they started, the guys in the band start having, one of the guys says, you know, we're Jews and we're in Germany. Like, how do you guys feel? You know, they started talking about being a Jew in Germany and they're going on and on. And all of a sudden, knock at the door. And then someone says, is there juice in there? And it's Liza's road manager wanted to see if there was any orange juice.

In the van room. No, really. I swear to god is there any juice in there any juice in there I've never heard

that that's fantastic that's fantastic yeah true story on that same episode you told Richard the the

Ellie V. Sell story oh yes which is also great oh yes tell these guys so many funny stories about Elie. I was watching you talk about tasteless when people aren't trying to be tasteless. Right.

So Elie Wiesel, who, you know, his whole family died in the concentration camps. And his career is writing, remembering the camps. So he was on some talk show with this host who's got a big smile on his face the whole time. And and he asked Elie Wiesel, he goes, if you could have any wish, what would it be? And Elie Wiesel says, you know, with tears in his eyes, he goes, I wish people would stop just standing by. He goes, the Holocaust occurred because people stood by. Genocide goes on in this world because people stand by and the host puts his hand on Elie Wiesel's knee and turns to the camera

with a giant smile and goes and we're going to ask you to stand by. Oh baby. Wow. Oh my god. We're going to ask you to stand you.

That's beautiful. And now while Gilbert heads into the nutmeg kitchen to steal more Perrier, a word from our sponsor. Take control of your phone plan with Chatter Mobile. Score big with nationwide prepaid plans from only $15 a month on Canada's number one prepaid mobile provider, Chatter Mobile. Visit ChatterMobile.com for details. What happens when 20 extremely athletic Canadians who thrive on competition and won't settle for less than number one

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Wake up to a stack of three light and fluffy pancakes topped with syrup. Only $4 on now. Dine-in only until 11 a.m. at A&W's in Ontario. Gail and Frank went out to pee. Now they're back so they can be on their amazing Colossal Podcast. Kids, time to get back to Gilbert and Frank's amazing Colossal Podcast.

So, let's go! Oh, and who were, like, when I was three years old and I met you at Catch, the people who are still playing there, like, I remember Gabe Kaplan used to go on stage. He stole my material, yeah. And he became.

Brenner. Brenner, yeah. Jimmy Walker. Pat Benatar.. Brenner, yeah. Jimmy Walker. Pat Benatar. Pat Benatar, yeah. Yeah, I went on tour with her. Yeah. With her.

And just to tie up the end of – I saw in the motel – on the motel television the reunion when Frank brought Dean and Jerry together. It was on the road with Pat Benatoni. Yeah, okay, yeah. I guess we all remember where we were when that happened. Yeah, it's like JFK or the moon landing. You know, it reminds me, though, of Gil and Frank, about how much Tom and I were dying to get involved with roasts, Friars-style roasts.

Yes. There was a tribute going to happen to Belzer in connection with a cable show he had made, I think. And we heard it's going to be a roast. Well, Tom and I spent four or five days in my room, hotel room. I lived in a hotel at that, writing material for this. This is the town hall roast? No, this is a different one. Oh, before that one.

This one was going to be really a PR thing for his show, but David Steinberg, who had directed it, you know, this is not David Steinberg, the manager. David Steinberg, the director, was going to be rogues master. Well, David Steinberg showed comic and director was going to be Roastmaster

well David Steinberg showed up and took a look at the room and said well there's no dais it's not set up for a roast there's no mic there's no dais like the present so let's just call it a toast roast a toast roast

and we'll just toast him and stuff well Tom and I had written this material, and we decided to do it anyway. Not even Belzer was interested in it. Well, I had that model. He had a seven-foot model. Yes. That he was coaching.

So what? Yeah. Why would he be interested? He was mentoring her in the ass, but he was mentoring her. Anyway, do you want to hear just a few parts of how I could do it together? Yeah. You do it with me. If I can remember.

You'll remember. Sing with me. First of all, you know, he was into the Stones. You have to know that. He loved, you know, and everybody knew Pat Benatar's financial status because of Rick Newman's managerial style. Open managerial style. So it starts Please allow me. Well, there was also the big hit song that was out then. What was that?

With that sunglasses. Which he loved. I wear my sunglasses at night. It was so dark. Please allow me to introduce. So it was kind of a parody of that musically. Please allow me to introduce to you a comedian's comedian. When we in the industry

have a night off, we go to see him. And then from a quote from People magazine, his cover story, he's conquered cancer, softened his approach. He's conquered cancer, softened his approach. Something about Lenny, but like Lenny, but something needier.

Like Lenny, but needier. Yeah. Oliver Sholem. God bless you. But he's strictly Belgique. He's a Jew. He's a Jew. He's a Jew.

He's a Jew. He's a Jew. He's a Jew. He's a Jew. He's a Jew. He's a Jew. He's a Jew. He's a Jew.

He's a Jew. He's a Jew. He's a Jew. He's a Jew. He's a Jew. He's a Jew. He's a Jew. He's a Jew.

He's a Jew. He's a Jew. He's a Jew. He's a Jew. He's a Jew. He's a Jew. He's a Jew. He's a Jew.

He's a Jew. He's a Jew. He's a Jew. He's a Jew. He's a Jew. He's a Jew. He's a Jew. He's a Jew.

He's a Jew. He's a Jew. He's a Jew. He's a Jew. He's a Jew. He's a Jew. He's a Jew. He's a Jew.

He's a Jew. He's a Jew. He's a Jew. He's a Jew. He's a Jew. He's a Jew. He's a Jew. He's a Jew.

He's a Jew. He's a Jew. get into Pat Benatar's salary. Well, it gets to Rick Newman. Rick Newman caught a rising star. Rick Newman caught a rising star. Not you, Bells. Pat Benatar. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Too liquid. Boom, boom. Too invested. But you owe Harry $1,400. And Harry was there, right? Another whole story.

He wears his... Bells wears his sunglasses at night. So he can't. So he can't. So he can't. So he cannot. They said so he can. We said he can't. That was 24 years ago.

A time of turmoil. Must have been longer than that. In the 80s or the 90s? No, 30, 34 years. In the 80s. Wow. 84. People were still yelling at their maids.

I remember the town hall roast at UMC. That's so long ago. Town hall roast. That's how long ago. That was a real roast that I got to officiate at. And Tom wrote not only my material, but many others. I remember you telling a joke that Alan King had a third-degree burn on his hand from jerking off Topo Gigio. That wasn't mine.

That was a joke that stayed with me. You must have read that. You had it, right? No. Maybe, you know, it sounds like the guy. Rich Vosch. Yeah, Rich Vosch. We had that guy on there.

Wasn't that the night of the famous Odetta joke? Yes, it was, yeah. Paul tells that story very well. And I remember at the Chevy Roast, you sang Which one? We Couldn't Get Anybody Good. Let's hear a few bars of that. Well, that again, Tom, a beautiful Tom. You sang it, I can't remember.

Matt Robertson, writer involved as well. Very good writer. Good writer, Matt. We, uh, tonight is Chevy's big night. We called his friends to invite them all to roast him and join us. But nobody would. And then two chorus calls.

Does he have a career? I thought he died last year. We couldn't get anybody good. Please welcome our roast master, Paul Schaefer. Tonight is Chevy's midnight. We called his friends to invite them all to join us at Roast Him, but none of them would. Does he have a career? I thought he died last year.

We couldn't get anybody good. It's a whole show of no shows, no glamour or glitz. Say the name Chevy Chase, and no one gives two sh** Sit on the day is for Chase I wouldn't sit on his face That's why we couldn't get anybody good But hey, I know what you're thinking Who's Schaefer to talk?

This guy got his job sucking lead ermine's c**k He's a lucky piano player, a musical hack Yeah, well, f**k. Yeah, well you all of you At least I'm learning a check. I'm serious You drink this, you'll get better. Pretty clever. Yeah. That's cool. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny.

That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny.

That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny.

That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny.

That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny.

That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny.

That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny.

That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny.

That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. that anyone should. But since you've rented your tux, just accept this roast socks and that we couldn't

get anybody. We asked Will Ferrell, we couldn't get anybody. We scraped the barrel. Yeah, we couldn't get anybody good. He's Chevy Chase and you're not Chevy, goodnight

I'm sorry, Bill. It's over. That's basically it. Except it went into a very sad Sinatra section in the middle where I threw a trench coat over my shoulder and sang. Seriously, how sad the day is. How sad the day is. You call this a show, do, do, do, do.

How can you roast a man where no one will go? Sit on the dais. How sad the day is. How sad. I know. We had a lot of fun. Oh, boy. And I remember

the big ending when you were singing. We couldn't find anyone good. You sang, We tried Will Farrell. Oh, wow. I forgot. It was before he became huge.

We scraped the barrel. We didn't get anything. We did it again. Were you on that roast? The Chevy roast? I was there. I didn't think I went on it. I don't remember if you got up. I don't remember if you got up.

It was a very, very peculiar night. Well, Chevy would have been here. But he had. Today, he had to pull out last night. We were hoping to bring a mirror as a surprise. Okay. Well, we've gotten in trouble calling him on the air. Oh, yeah, you did that one, sir.

I did that one. I did love the Belzer joke about Freddie Roman. I think that was my favorite roast joke in a long time. Oh, Freddie Roman, yeah. Jack Ruby had a longer television career than me. Ladies and gentlemen. Well, I want to cite a joke that I spoke of with Freddie Roman. This one written by a gentleman whose name doesn't come to mind.

Larry Amoros. Larry Amoros. Larry Amoros. Who said, we first heard of Freddie Roman when he and Icarus flew too close to the sun. I did another joke about him. I said, I don't want to say Freddie's ill, but he used to be known as Freddie the sun. I did another joke about him. I said, I don't want to say Freddy's ill, but he used to be known as Freddy the Roman. The Roman. Yes.

You also said, what would a roast be without Freddy Roman? I'll tell you one thing. Televised. Oh, televised. That's it. That's very bad. Televised. There's your joke.

That was the Odetta night. Tom, do you have anything you want to say about George Mahara's turning 90? Because that would make it worse. Are you kidding? I wanted to ask. Yeah, he's going to be 90 in September. Beautiful. He's got a few months to kind of still be a kid.

Yeah. He's going to be 90. And I just thought I'd go around the room and everybody just say what they feel about George Mahara's turning 90. First, let's tell the story. Oh, it's such a long story. Which one? He was like a heartth story. Oh, it's such a long story. Which one? He was like a heartthrob. Yeah, of course.

Oh, that story, not our story. Yeah, like Route 66. Oh, he was huge. And a recording star, everything. So all the women were crazy about him. And then tragedy struck. And then tragedy struck. Well, it struck in a men's room on Route 12 when George was standing in a bag next to... Perfecto.

Are you talking about George Maharas? Yeah. Or George Sikaris. No. George Maharas. Okay. Now, that's a whole other... Who was standing in the bag?

Route 66. Well, that's the great unknown question. So what would you say? What happened to George Mayhem? See, this is – the alcoholics have said who was in the bag. Yeah. No, in this case, there was somebody actually in a bag. Because among gay guys going into the men's room stall, they'll sometimes bring a bag with them.

Big shopping bag. Where one with them. Big shopping bag. Where one of them stands inside the bag, so you don't know there are two guys there. The guy can pleasure them. I think it's a guy who's gone shopping. It's just a guy who likes to shop.

Yeah, not a big guy. Tom is an expert on this. Tom's been talking about this for 30 years. It's called a tea room. Yes. George Maharis was shopping one day. Was having assignations. The thing is, to be fair, he was actually shopping that day.

But that has nothing to do with it. Coincidentally. That's just a happy accident. Lucky coincidence. Yeah, it's a happy accident. So tell the story, Gil. And he was having some romantic interludes with Perfecto Tellez. What's that guy's name?

Yeah. Hairdresser from Los Angeles. That's how they describe him. Hairdresser from Los Angeles. That's how they describe him. A hairdresser from Los Angeles. Is he with us still, Perfecto? I don't know. We don't know. No, I believe I can answer.

He's not. Perfecto is not. You know that? Yes, it's on the internet. Perfecto died. There's two Perfecto Tellez's on the internet. There is. There's an old one.

There's a guy that was born in the 1800s. There was a guy who stood in a bag in 1808. There was a guy who liked to be in a bag. There was a guy who stood in a bag in 1808. There was a guy who liked to be in a bag. It was a burlap bag in those days. And it wasn't really a men's room. It was more like where the horses were put in. Yeah, an outhouse. It was a stable.

Burlap, yeah. And then there was Perfecto Telly's The Ventriloquist from the Ed Sullivan Show. Yes, and Perfecto Telly's. That's who George Maharis was banging? No, no, no. You're thinking, no. the ventriloquist from the Ed Sullivan show. Yes. And for Fetrotelli's... That's who George Maharas was banging? No, no, no. You're thinking, no. And you know what?

So often people confuse George... You like candy? I like candy. Yes. You're ever confused... What's that in your mouth? Yes. George Stikitis.

No, that's... You want the dick in your mouth? Yeah, senior Wences. I want the dick in my mouth. Senior Wences. He's eating your mouth? Yeah. What do you think? In the box, that's the thing. Because this is a show for the kids. Yeah, Senior Wences. I want the dick in my mouth. Senior Wences. Senior Wences. What do you think?

In the box, I have to say. Because this is a show for the kids. Yeah. That's why we love it. Let's get into some heavy Senior Wences material now. To stay contemporary. He was a hundred. Yeah.

He died at 102. Yeah, 102. Yeah. Yeah. 102. Yeah. But he could still play 101. They changed that.

They changed the name of the 54th Street by the Sullivan Theater to the Senior Wentz's Way, 54th. Yes, that's right. Yes. Senior Wentz's Way. Talk about how he went to Danny Aiello's club in Newark and the lady there and her act. Speaking of, you might find this interesting. We have a sixth sense about things like that. We heard that Danny Aiello now had a club, a comedy club above an Italian restaurant in Hoboken.

We tried to call you guys, but you— We were there, yes. And what are you going for? It was above an Italian restaurant. No, the woman who had—who bought from the estate— You're going to have to tell us that. Well, I'll correct you. This woman was on the bill.

He had a number of acts, right? Yes, yes. And this was the opening me. This woman was on the bill. He had a number of acts, right? Yeah, a number of acts. And this was the opening act. This was great. A woman, and she was a ventriloquist or so? And she had purchased the act from the senior wenches estate. The senior wenches estate.

Unbelievable. But she wasn't allowed. There was one. She couldn't put her. Couldn't do the finger thing. She did the finger thing, which was weird because the little face had long painted nails. Right. No, it's not as good. That was weird. But she couldn't do the finger thing. She did the finger thing, which was weird because the little face had long painted nails. Right. No, it's not as good.

That was weird. But she couldn't do the box. She couldn't do the box. Why not? Somebody else got the box. Why not? Why not? Why not?

It was a codicil. She couldn't do the box. He's going to come from the grave and do the box. And all the children would lose their inheritance if they ever used the box. The box. There was a codicil in the well. But the thing about it was she starts to do this thing. And so she drops.

So all she had was the little body of the hand guy, right? Yeah. And the long nails curling around. So it looked like a big red octopus strangling the face of the guy. Strangling her own face. I love that, Jimmy. You know, whatever the hell. She bought. I'm just kidding. You can't get over. the face of the guy. Strangling her own face. Hello there, Jimmy. You know, whatever the hell. She bought.

I'm just kidding. She kept dropping the entire. She had a whole big table and she dropped the whole table over. Well, also on the bill. Yes. One of the, you know, I'm sure maybe for the last time. Alto and Mantia. Oh, yes.

Oh, yeah. You guys all remember them. Doing the exact same act. There was a third guy. They were called the Untouchables. Oh, there was two after the Untouchables. Doing the exact same act. They were called the Untouchables. Oh, there was two after the Untouchables. Marvin Braverman. Uh-huh.

That's very good. One of them always sang opera. That was Marvin. No, that was Buddy. Every sketch was devised so that Buddy meant he would get to sing opera while the other guy was giving him a haircut or something. So he could show off his voice. Tell them what they're saying. while the other guy was giving him a haircut or something. Oh, no, no, no. So we could show off his voice. So these guys are there hanging out, and Tom and I are sitting in our chairs,

and Barbara Felden was there for some reason. No, no, no, it doesn't matter who she is. But it's okay. They've been together for years. Well, isn't it a secret? I thought it was a secret. I thought it was a big secret. You don't tell. No, you don't tell.

Sorry. We can't say who Barbara Felton was. You can say who Barbara Felton was. She was 99. Yeah, 99. She was on. And now Tomati are there and sitting down at our table. And I said, are you guys going to go on?

Well, we may do something, a little something. Look up on the stage, they've got huge props. Like illusions. Doors. Like David Copperfield's Florida room. And a Liberty Bell. We may do a few things. Then they go into their act, they're usually like,

hello. They do 20, 25 minutes. It was like, you know, it was like Schuster and Wayne and Schuster. But not in the nearest funny. But, I mean, an act like that was so old-fashioned. They were kind, though, in the 70s. Old-fashioned. They were funny, but they were very old-fashioned.

They were very old, but now they would be perfect timing for them. Very well rehearsed, though. Yeah, well, they did the same thing for 25 years. Don't you think they were funny, Gilbert? Yeah, but they were funny. They were funny. Yeah, they were funny. No, they were, okay.

They were very funny. They were very, no, don't do that. Paul, I believe we were talking about Buddy Mancia just last week. Yeah, they were funny. Were you and I talking about it? Hey, you know, I remember something about Richard. I think maybe you were going to a new analyst at the time. I only had—

But every time, for a slight time period there, I guess you were going to a psychiatrist or whatever, and this is where you learn this lesson. What? You would get angry in a situation, and you'd yell, and then you'd turn to the person who was there in the room and go, I'm not angry at you. Yeah! That's right. That's right. Yeah. I remember it. I learned it.

I'm not angry at you. Yeah, I learned that from the bells. I was at his feet. I learned it. I'm not angry at you. Yeah, I learned that from the Bells. I was at his feet. I learned it like a guru and a student wrote it down. I now say it myself. No, after scaring the shit out of the person. No, no, I'm not angry at you. I'm not angry at you.

Did Jagger ever comment on the impression, Richard? He saw me at the bottom line. He's the answer. He's just pinching my entertainment side. Mary Tyler Moore. Jagger. Mick saw me at the bottom line. These answers, just pinching my entertainment stuff. Mary Tyler Moore. Jagger. Mick saw me at the bottom line. And of course,

you were famous for your Jagger. Oh, yes. Yeah, kind of. Legendary. And he was in the audience. I didn't know he was in the audience.

So after my set, Alan Pepper, the owner of the bottom line, came back to my dressing room. He said, Mick Jagger is in the audience oh shit he said no no he wants you to come to his table so I went

and I sat with him for the rest of the show and he was you know he said I won't I know um little Richard taught me all about the element of danger that's where I learned all the leaping about the stage and you remind me of the element

of danger. Well, how about that? That's a pretty good comment. Yeah, you can't get any better. But he was copying to the fact that he was doing a little, kind of doing a little Richard. Yeah. You know, which I thought was nice of him to be modest like that.

But I was very flattered. Flattering? I saw you do something at the seaport at Caroline's and you had a plant in the audience. Do you remember doing this? It was Alan Abel? Yes! The famous prankster? It was a great bit.

He pretended he was a doctor who was transplanting like animal parts. He'd go on TV doing that kind of stuff. Yeah, he's around still. I did 20 minutes with him one night and the whole audience

thought he was the real guy. And you know who was in the audience that night? Danny Iyala because, Richie, was that real? Was that real?

Tell them about Danny Iyala when we came out of his club. Alan Abel. And how we had to sit in his car and everything. Well, that was a wonderful experience. And then that huge truck came with a video on it of Danny Aiello's music video. Meanwhile, back at his club in Hoboken, he said, I've been doing working with a rapper.

Danny Aiello. Danny Aiello is working with a rapper. Danny Aiello. And, you know, we've got a record coming out on the album, the two of us. I sing, he raps, you know. And the next thing you know, he says, come out on the street. I want to show you something. And he has arranged for a truck which shows a video on a huge screen on the side for advertising.

It drives around town. This truck has pulled up and it's showing this video with the rapper. And who should be walking down the street out in Hoboken? The rapper himself. He's there. Live. Happened to be there. All these people converged.

And it was a god wink. Not a bad piece of material, but wasn't there a... Well, no, I was just... I guess that's it. I guess there really was no blow, but I wanted to see you die with it, not me. Thank you. Wow.

That's amazing. I'm going to be completely honest. That's what this is about. I want to hear the story. Aiello was working with Pacino. Wasn't Diana Aiello had a big movie role? Oh, no, no. Paul Newman.

What was he in with? He was in Fort Apache. Yeah. Rattled him a little or something. Yeah. I'm walking down the street, my street, 77th. And I see Diana Aiello walking the other way. And I see Danny Allo walking the other way.

And it's one of those things where I know he saw me, but he pretended not to see me. Keep that in mind. So I keep walking towards him. And he's by this stupid. This is a story your fans will love. Yes. This is pure Gilbert Gottfried podcast. Isn't it? You don't even have to go on.

It's already a class set. So he's standing by this stoop and there's like, you know, a cement post there. And he puts his head down and he's pounding on it. I'm supposed to believe he's by himself, right? And I go, Danny, Danny. And he, you know, pretends like, oh, Richie. And I said, what is it? You don't know what it's like starring with Paul Newman in a movie.

Oh, my goodness. What? What? You don't know, Richie. You don't know what it's like starring in a movie with Paul Newman. What is he implying? That the man doesn't know how to work. I don't know what it's like starring in a movie with Pogba. What is he implying? The man doesn't know how to work. I don't know what it's about.

Whatever. It's just process. Whatever is process. I was like, even then I was flabbergasted. One more for your fans. Another Danny Aiello story. Please. He's been on this show.

Oh, he has. So one day, I'm at Cafe Central. Okay. With, I forget, Ove Leo. And we're sitting there, and Danny Ayala walks in, and these guys that I was sitting with say to Danny, Danny, and he comes over, you know, hi, everything. And the guy goes, Danny, I've never seen you so heavy.

So Danny says, yeah, I've never been this happy in my life. He didn't hear the word heavy. Yeah, I'm very happy. No, no, Danny, it looks like you put on weight. Oh, I'm so happy. He just refused. He refused to admit that he was heavy. For like five minutes, though.

He kept saying, and the guy kept saying. Yeah, but if he doesn't pretend not to hear it, he isn't that. And if he doesn't pretend not to hear it, he isn't fat. And twice I've heard people refer to Danny Aiello as Danny Aigo. Yes. Yeah. I've heard that. He was one of our funnier guests.

He was. I have to say. He brought it. We have an interesting story about that. He can be very charming. Danny Aigo. We had a wonderful evening in the theater. Well, I think we were privy to a backstage rehearsal. We were privy to a wonderful backstage rehearsal.

Danny working out a play that he was working on. It seems to have disappeared. I don't want to give it away, though. Oh, no. He was in rehearsal clothes. He was in rehearsal clothes, sweats, a towel around his neck, and he had a pianist, and he was just working it out,

working out the songs. Yes, a wonderful... That's all. I don't think it's... He went to the studio, right? Yes,

we were invited. Carnegie Hall, by the way. Seriously. I don't know, you're going to give away, what if he sells it and you give away

the key elements to the thing? You mean someone beats him to this story? Yeah. To this musical? It's a musical off the air. It's a musical.

Go ahead. Well, I mean, they'll probably have suspected by now that it's a show about Al Capone. Right. Musical about Al Capone. Musical about Al Capone. And the act break, this show-stopping number

at the end of the first act. Syphilis. I've got syphilis. I swear. Yeah. Right? And it's only me. Syphilis. Syphilis. I've got syphilis. I swear. Yeah. Right? And it's only me. Syphilis.

Syphilis. I can't piss. I can't piss. That's one of the lyrics. And he's doing it about six inches from Paul's face. And he's got his hands on Paul's knees. And it's just me and him, the piano player and Jerry Foley, who invited us from the director of The Letterman Show.

Sure. And it was an hour and a half of not trying not to laugh because it was so scary. If we had laughed, Danny might have killed us or something. I really felt physically hurt. It was an honor to be there. It was a great honor to be there. What did you do to Jackie Mason again? I didn't mean to louse Danny.

Yeah, we're not lousing him by any means, motherfucker. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast after this. Gifting Dad can sometimes hit the wrong note. Oh. Instead, gift the Glenlivet, the single malt whiskey that started it all, for a balanced flavor and smooth finish. Just sit back and listen to the music. Ooh.

This single malt scotch whiskey is guaranteed to impress Dad this Father's Day. The Glenn Livet. Live original. Please enjoy our products responsibly. Wow. You little prick. Can I do my little thing that the young people seem to love? Please.

What are you laughing at? How dare you? Gallagher 2? Well, I could talk about Gallagher 2. Have I ever talked about Gallagher 2? Gallagher 2 is fascinating. Did you see the documentary about Gallagher and Gallagher 2? No. I could tell you a little bit about it.

I'm hooked already. The good thing is that Ed Sullivan Did you see the documentary about Gallagher in Gallagher 2? No. No, we have to see it now. I could tell you a little bit about it. Please do. Yeah. I'm hooked already. I'm just going to do this. The good thing is Ed Sullivan doesn't have a show now because there are certain stars with names that would, you know, he had trouble with his neck, Ed Sullivan. So if he had to say the names of some of the current stars, you know, like, ladies and gentlemen, right now, Shakira. Shakira.

Burn his neck, yeah. With these modern names. Oh, with these names. Anyway. I wish the podcast were visual. Yeah. Have we started recording? Would have played better.

Have we started recording? Yeah, we're on. We are recording. Soon, soon. What was the thing about? Well, Gallagher. One night about two in the morning, I just had terrible insomnia.

You guys have probably read about it. And I'm up, and I turn on one of those things, one of those documentaries on, like, it was about Gallagher. Someone on this channel, they'd always have those things, one week it'd be Chris Farley, O.D.'s, true Hollywood story.

For those of you who don't know, Gallagher was, and is, a fine comedian, where he would hit... It's a prop comic. True Hollywood story. True Hollywood story. Exactly. For those of you who don't know, Gallagher was. Oh. And is. And is. A fine comedian where he would hit. It's a prop comic. From San Francisco. And the first couple of rows of an audience had to have a big tarp over it because he would, you know, which is very much like Liza's audience.

He smashed the water. But he would hit a watermelon with a sledgehammer. That was his finish. That was his big close. Right. Smashing the watermelon. Why didn't we think of that? And he takes the winner off because he couldn't get any watermelons.

So what happened? So I'm watching it. So I'm thinking, I'm totally being sucked in by Gallagher and how he started and how he kind of built himself from nothing. And he had a twin brother. Well, that's what I'm getting at. That's where he's going. Then it's all kind of nice. And about halfway through the documentary,

he starts to get bigger and bigger clubs. Halfway through the documentary, they go, at the end of the, just before the documentary, they go, and then Gallagher had a stroke.

And that was, they go out, right? It's a teaser. Yeah. You know I can't go to bed now. No, of course not. Gallagher's had a stroke. You know?

No, but nobody's getting me into that bedroom. You know, wild animals. Listen. Okay. So it comes back. A terrific cliffhanger. Oh, talk about a cliffhanger. Cliffhanger.

And so it comes back and it turns out Gallagher had a stroke during, you know, hitting one of the water mountains. Next to our water mountain. Actually wielding the sledgehammer. Yes, he actually did wielding the sledgehammer. He had the stroke. On stage, yeah. Talk about comedy. Yes, sir.

But talk about being covered as part of your coverage. Yeah, you're going to get workman's comp. It was a work comp. Workman's comp, for sure. So anyway, Wally has the stroke unbeknownst to Gallagher, his brother, whatever his real name was, was touring the country without Gallagher's knowing it. Who looked exactly like him. The same bald hair. The same kind of stringy bald hair.

Looked exactly like as Gallagher, too. But the audience didn't know. But it was like, aye, aye. You know, that kind of, too. And Gallagher didn't know. And so Gallagher, two. But the audience didn't know. But it was like, aye, aye, you know, that kind of two. And Gallagher didn't know. And so Gallagher started, but he passed himself off as Gallagher. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he started getting calls from venues saying, you know, hey, man, your brother's doing your entire act. And that didn't help the stroke.

I think he got the stroke after that, actually. Ah, you're right. And if I'm right. It's better if it happened while smashing a waterman. It is. No, he did. But it was after. It was after, unfortunately.

No, but still while smashing. Still good, though. He still had the stroke, and that's the important thing. So go ahead, Tom. Yeah. So then he finds out his brother's doing his act, and he gets an injunction against his brother, Gallagher 2. Gallagher 1 gets an injunction against Gallagher 2, the brother. And the thing that gave him the stroke was Gallagher and Gallagher 2's parents sided with Gallagher 2.

And I think there's a moral in that. And then I think that was – That's what it is. It's biblical. It is. It's a Cain and Abel – it's a Cain and Abel Gallagher 2. It's a Cain and Gallagher. It's a Cain and Abel Gallagher 2.

And I think there was a big legal thing there. Huge, huge. An agreement that they came to that Gallagher 2 would have to be called Gallagher 2. So it wouldn't be Gallagher. Right. He was passing himself off as Gallagher, too. So it wouldn't be Gallagher. Right. He was passing himself off as Gallagher. And that he wouldn't be allowed to smash the watermelons. Oh.

Same thing. So Gallagher is the same as the senior Wences. They couldn't get the box. Yeah. Exactly. It's the senior Wences clause. Yeah. Went out.

Good old senior Wences clause. He ignored that and went out as Gallagher. He did it anyway. And people even, you know, the people booking him knew he wasn't Gallagher. But they said, hey, you know, Gallagher costs so much more money. Yeah. It's still the same act. It's so much cheaper.

It's still the same act. And he started, he smashed watermelon. He did. Oh, act. It's so much cheaper. It's the same act. And he started, he smashed watermelon. He did. Oh my God. He did the watermelon. He ignored it. He had to.

He had to do the watermelon. How could he do it and not do the watermelon? He's still around. Still working. Gallagher 2? Yeah. I don't know about Gallagher 2.

Gallagher's still out there. But how about your folks, how about, first of all, Yeah, his parents were on the brother's side. They went and signed with Gallagher 2. That hurts. Very horrible. That's gotta hurt... Yeah, his parents were on the brother's side. They were on the side with Gallagher, too.

Yeah, that hurts. Very horrible. That's got to hurt. Well, Gallagher must be such a loser. You know, the same thing happened... They toured without Jeff Lynne. They had to call themselves the LO2. Do you remember that?

I see. Yeah. Well, look at Styx. I mean, that's not even... Something like that. I got a wild card question for the Bells. Richard, did you audition to play Groucho in a Broadway musical? Yes.

It was My Fair Lady, unfortunately. My mistake. My mistake. Did you know that, Gil? No, I never heard that. And you learned two songs? You taught yourself two? I sang two songs.

They said I held the sides very well. You held the sides very well? That's great. Day in Hollywood, night in the Ukraine? That's right. But I didn't in the Ukraine? That's right. Yeah. But I didn't get it, but I sang for like one of the first times. What did you sing?

Tonight you're mine completely. See, we had a keyboard here pocket playing. You give your love. That's Groucho. No, they wanted to hear my voice. Oh, they wanted you to do a song. Yeah. No, they knew I could do Groucho.

I mean, come on. But. So George Chakiris. That's going voice. Oh, they wanted you to do a song. Yeah, no, they knew I could do Groucho, I mean. I mean, come on. But, oh, no. So, George Chakiris. That's going back. Oh, good trivia. Yeah. I once auditioned, and this was somebody getting back to the Untouchables. Yes.

Said that Gabe Kaplan is going to be playing Groucho. Oh, yeah, I remember that. And it'll definitely move to Broadway. It'll definitely be a major hit. And it'll definitely be a TV special. Ultimately, that's the goal. Yeah. So he goes, so, you know, you should fly yourself out. And I actually did.

Right. In those days, we didn't know any better. And I auditioned as Chico to his groucho. Oh, this is great. Never told me this. And I remember I said to him, I said, why doesn't he just get Robert Hedges? Because Robert Hedges was just doing Chico in that. He was always like, hey, Mr. Cotter.

Oh, right. That's right. And he laughed at me like, hey, Mr. Carter. All right. That's right. And he laughed at me like, what a stupid thing that was to say. And then, uh, the thing, it,

they announce, it's, uh, on, uh, stage show, and, as Chico,

Robert Hedges. May he rest in peace. Yeah. Yes. Ah, so you got him a peace. Yeah. Yes. Ah! So you got him a job. Yeah. How about that?

That was pretty good. That's one of the rare times I've heard you be magnanimous. It's the worst one of the rare times I've heard you be innocent. I love when they were doing the In Memoriam

at the Emmys. In Kaplan's career? At the Emmys. They were doing In Memoriam. And they had in one clip, like they saved time, in one clip from Welcome Back, Carter, Robert Hedges and Horschak. They're both dead? Yeah, they both died that year. So they saved time. I worked with Horschak. They died a few? Yeah, they both died that year. So they saved time.

I worked with Horschak. They died a few months apart. Oh, they put them together. Yes. It was a suicide pact. They saved a little time. What an insult. And the memorial package.

They died a few months apart. Do you know that I once auditioned for Vivian Vance? You did? Yes, I did. Do tell. I know you auditioned to be Fonzie. I did. I was in the final called to be Fonzie. I did. I was in the final callbacks to be Fonzie.

Wow. You and Mickey Dolenz. Well, he wasn't there when I was there. You could have been. All right, here's the. A. I couldn't do the A. The guy.

No, but Henry was great. Henry Winkler. Can you do some Fonzie for us? Well, I don't. You know, I prepared. But, you know, once I leave a character, Gil, I don't look back. I do take it home with me, but I also take the wardrobe home with me.

I see. Richard has a story. Can I just say one thing before you do your story? Please. Is it hot in here for anybody? It's always hot in here. Because I see a fireman's going to break this glass to save the dog. It's not just you. It's like dogs in the car. What happened about 10 minutes?

Do you remember when you auditioned for the Affleck commercial? Oh, yeah. Do you remember? Do you know who went in ahead of you? Oh, who? Wow. You went in before Gilbert to audition for the Affleck. And I was doing Affleck, Affleck.

Yeah. You know, I was doing this weird. And then I think. And you got it. I think Soupy Sales auditioned for him. Milton Hines. Yeah, Milton Hines. Mimi Hines.

Then that's his real name. Hines and Hines. Milton Hines and Soupy Sales. No, but you came in after me. Yeah. I was mistaken for Soupy Sales today. No way. You were not.

What about me? By a cab driver. Hey, are you Soupy Sales? No. Yeah. To you? Yeah. I think he died, I him? By a cab driver. Hey, are you Super Sale? No. Yeah. To you? I think he died, I said. To the cab driver?

Yeah, I said to the cab driver. No, Soupy died. Did he tear up a little bit when you told him that? We lost Soupy. I was kind of regular on one show you were doing. Was it on Showtime or something? Me? Yeah.

You were playing yourself, of course. Cinemax, you were on that show. Yeah, Cinemax. Well, you were on it. You were the bartender. Yeah, I was the bartender. Oh, I was in that, too. And David Steinberg used to direct that.

That's right. 1985. That's right. You were great. You did your act. You were the bartender. Yeah. It's called, I don't know where you can get it these days. Tom, you were involved in it. Oh, that's right. You were great. You did your act. You were the bartender. Yeah. It's called, I don't know where you can get it these days.

Tom, you were involved in it. Oh, that's right. I've seen that. Played my manager. What was the name of it? I played Richard Belzer's show. The Richard Belzer Show. Tom was my manager.

Yeah, I've seen it. Were you on that show? No, I hung out. You weren't contracted? Billy Crystal was on it. Billy Crystal was on it. Billy Crystal was on it. Paul was too big even then.

He was very big. And one time I remember they had me. The plot was that I was masquerading as Mick Jagger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You had like a hat on next to this. It was six shows and we were already out of stories. Already out of stories. What about Viva Shea Vegas? Oh, boy.

Can anybody get their hands on that? There's a VHS? Yes, it is. It is out again. It was something that Tom and I and Harry made in 86 or something. Tom forced me to watch it in his basement. Oh, well, I hope it was worthwhile. It was.

That's where it was shot. It's a conceptual thing that the three of us made for Cinemax back in the 80s. It's a conceptual thing that the three of us made for Cinemax back in the 80s. Now that I played Las Vegas over Christmas, New Year's, the lounge at Caesars. And in honor of that, I had a merch table and I had some T-shirts made. And I had some DVDs printed up. So it's back. You can now get Viva Che Vegas.

You have to go to – I have a website. Will you get it on the website? For all the merchandise that didn't sell. Great. So you can get all those leftovers. And Gene Pitney's in it. That's right. Gene Pitney sang the theme song. And, Bells, tell us about the Jerry book. When can we expect it?

It's virtually done. So hopefully by Christmas. Okay. We'll have – you know, before Christmas it'll be out. Of course, the writing was interrupted, as you may suspect. Yes. But most of it's done. I'd say 90% of it.

And how did you become friends with Jerry? He, I interviewed him in Montreal at the Montreal Film Festival in 1985 or something and we had a great time and then he called me years later to say that he had been watching me on television. He was proud of me and he remembered the interview. It was like – anyway, so I immediately flew out to Vegas. And then a week later I called Paul and I said, what? We can have dinner with Jerry if we just fly ourselves out to Vegas, which we did. I've seen the picture.

Yeah. It's great. There was one more guy there, Max Alexander. Oh, Max Alexander. Remember him? Oh, yes. Yeah. He passed on, didn't he?

Yeah, he did. Funny guy. He did. Recently, the last couple of years. But so since then, I, you know, I started working with him on, he was going to do a musical, The Nutty Professor. And I worked on him for a while with that. And then somebody else took over. But we became very close. And then we were so close. Too bad you don't have a camera. But I have his tattoo. Right. You showed us.

I have a classic caricature of Jerry. Yeah, he's showing it right now for those of you at home. He's taking off his jacket. He's showing us a tattoo. You have a tattoo of Jerry Lewis. Right, on my arm. Realistic, on your arm. Yeah, yeah.

Based on his logo from the D&J show. The classic logo. His caricature. Are you any cooler now you've taken off your jacket? No, but I'm reminded of Jerry. You take your beekeeper suit off. We're almost done, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just wanted your last words. No, but he kind of adopted me. And, you know, when I was a little kid in school, they used to say, call me Jerry Lewis because I look just like him. And I would do Jerry Lewis bits to keep my mother from hitting me. I told Jerry that. I said, you saved me a lot of ass-kicking. So he's a big part of my life. And then to meet him and work with him is beyond – it's like when you guys met Anthony Newley.

I imagine it was the same. Exactly. Bertano would be Ben Adarit. To me, it was Martin Milner, actually. Maybe you could close Richard with a Rodney Dangerfield. Everybody's got their favorite Rodney stories. But he said – Give me advice.

What's life? Yeah. What's life? And he said – first of all, he's in his bathrobe and his dresser with no underwear on. Oh, man. I want to remember that when I want to stop myself from ejaculating. Yeah, picture that. Like now.

He said, what is life, Richard? You know, you get high, you write a few jokes, you keep the goyim from chasing you, you know? That's profound. Keep the goyim from chasing you. That know? That's profound. Keep the goyim from chasing you. That's profound. That's it. The butt's getting high in writing, I understood. And get a bathrobe with your balls.

Guys, this was great. It's wonderful. I hope you can use some of it. We'll use some of it. Yeah, about ten minutes of it. Ubert is like a Dorothy Parker type of character now with a round table

and wits, famous wits of the era sit around tell marvelous stories so this has been Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast with my co-host Frank Santopadre and our guests

this episode have been Richard Belzer. Six. Paul Schaefer. And Tom Leopold. Hey, y'all. Hey, now. So much for the writing. Thank you, boys.

We come back. A lot of fun, you guys. Yeah, when? Tomorrow? No, no, no. I'm up early. Go. Thanks, guys.

I'm a skinny Jew, one of the few from Minnesota they had a quota came to the big city dreamed I was Walter Mitty wrote folk songs that I thought were witty

someone said I'd be the next big thing till they heard me sing but it's too late to change their minds cause the contracts

were already signed Had a few hits, lived by my wits at the Chelsea Hotel But then I fell off a motorbike But I didn't like being out of work So I came back and sang with a country twang Lay lay lay Got some airplay Had to change my voice

Didn't have no choice Had to make the payments I'm a new Rolls Royce But I'm a skinny Jew One of the few from me That's what I love Thank you very much. Thank you.

Thank you very much. Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast is produced by Dara Gottfried and Frank Santapadre with audio production by Frank Verderosa. Web and social media is handled by Mike McPadden, Greg Pair, and John Bradley-Steeles. Special audio contributions by John Beach. Special thanks to Paul Rayburn, John Murray,

John Fodiatis, and Nutmeg Creative. Especially Sam Giovonco and Daniel Farrell for their assistance.