Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - GGACP Classic: Ron Friedman

Episode Date: May 19, 2022

May's Jewish Heritage Month continues as GGACP revisits one of their funniest interviews out of 400+ with veteran comedy writer Ron Friedman (“Get Smart,” “The Odd Couple,” “All in the Family,” "Barney Miller") who worked with (and wrote for) everyone from Lucille Ball to Milton Berle to Danny Kaye to Orson Welles -- and has the war stories to show for it. Also, Herve Villechaize packs heat, Sammy Davis meets Charlie’s Angels, Ron writes “Murder Can Hurt You!” and Pat McCormick takes a…”dip” in Jonathan Winters’ pool. PLUS: Vaughn Meader! Stump and Stumpy! Christmas carols for Jewish people! Forrest Tucker introduces “the General”! And Ron creates Paul Lynde’s Uncle Arthur! (Special thanks to Gino Salomone!) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Trivia and dirty jokes, an evening with the boys. Once is never good enough for something so fantastic. So here's another Gilbert and Franks Here's another Gilbert and Franks Here's another Gilbert and Franks Colossal classic Well, hello there. It's me, Sven Gulli. You see me every week on MeTV showing scary movies, but there's nothing more scary than Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast, which you're listening to right now. You can plug your ears if you want. You're still going to hear it. I'm sorry. Hi, this is Gilbert Gottfried, and this is Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast.

I'm here with my co-host, Frank Santopadre, and our engineer, Frank Ferdarosa. Our guest this week is a painter, former architect, author, occasional actor and singer, and one of the most successful and prolific television writers in the history of the medium. His credits are too numerous to mention. But hey, when has that ever stopped us? My favorite Martian, Get Smart, Bewitched, Gilligan's Island, Bewitched, Gilligan's Island, I Dream of Jeannie, The Andy Griffith Show, The Partridge Family, The Odd Couple, Love American Style, All in the Family, Barney Miller, Happy Days, Wonder Woman, Charlie's Angels, Starsky and Hutch, Fantasy Island, and Sledgehammer, to just name a few. He's met and associated with or worked with some of the most recognizable names in entertainment history, including

Lucille Ball, Jonathan Winters, Orson Welles, Fred Astaire, Bing Crosby, Johnny Carson, Groucho Marx, and Sammy Davis Jr. He's worked with and alongside such names very familiar to this podcast, including Danny Kaye, Danny Thomas, Vincent Price, Forrest Tucker, Paul Lynn, and even the Villagers. He also scripted a certain TV movie that Frank and I love to discuss, Murder Can Hurt You, featuring former podcast guests Marty Allen, Jamie Farr, and John Biner. In addition to penning over 700 hours of primetime television, he's written feature films like The Transformers, the movie, animated series, 19 television pilots, and several books, including his upcoming memoir, I Killed Optimus Prime. Optimus.

Optimus Prime. Close enough. I Killed Optimus Prime. Perfect. But we buried the lead. For several years, he was the writing partner of the one and only Pat McCormick. Hello, man.

And he's here to confirm the legendary helicopter story. Among others. Please welcome someone who was pretty much born to be a guest on this podcast, and a man who says that Barbara Skryzan still owes him 600 bucks, the legendary Ron Friedman. With that opening introduction, I should now just pass away. There's no need for a eulogy. That was it. You didn't mention the wonderful pictures I made that are still in the refrigerator at my mother's house.

But you can't have everything. I'm overjoyed to be here in the company of two legendary people who are semi-recognizable in this setup. Welcome, Ron. Lovely to see your faces. And I thank you for that. That's really terrific. But, you know, what it really boils down to in show business is you need one giant hit. And then you don't need all the other shit I did.

But my giant hits escaped. But my giant hits escaped. And it was actually, I created 56 pilots, 11 of which got on network schedules and for various reasons were removed, usually antisemitism and also El Nino. But it's great to be here. We undersold you on the number of pilots by quite a number. Yes. 56 pilots. 56 in all genres. we'll talk about some of them everything but ransom notes okay uh i i don't care about any of the thousand tv shows and movies you've done in your career i just care about one thing. You saw Milton Berle's

cock. It's in the book of Hezekiah. Chapter 4. A schlong among Gentiles. I met him at his house in Beverly Hills and the first thing he said is, you want to see my dick? I said, no thanks. I'm trying to cut down.

He whipped it out anyway. And I said, what's appropriate now, a standing ovation or a quick retreat? And he said, a blowjob. I said, get another guy. And then I heard from one of his familiar people, whose name I forget, but he always was hanging out with Milton, getting him new raincoats,

because Milton would lose his raincoat. And the guy said, I'm walking with Milton on 57th Street on a Sunday morning with his brother and his latest girlfriend when a guy from New Jersey who's lost pulls over, he doesn't recognize anybody, and he says, I'm trying to get to the 59th Street Bridge. Burl pulls his dick out and points. He says, you are here. Follow straight ahead and make the guy went nuts.

He drove over the sidewalk. He hit a mailbox. So you can keep your Albert Schweitzer stories. This is one that lingers. Much better. Well, on that subject, you also work with Forrest Tucker. We can get this out of the way, Ron. We'll get the dirt out of the way up front.

Forrest Tucker called his dick the General. And George Goebel, who took me to lunch at the Los Angeles Country Club with Rudy Ralston, the brother of Vera Vrubra Ralston. So you know I was with the A-list team. And George said to Forrest, what's the General doing? And I thought maybe there was a relative in the service. He said, the general is on R&R right now. Rest and relaxation. Because he was too busy over the weekend.

And I immediately thought, do I know a Jew with a pet name for his dick? And I can't think of one. Yes, Yasha Heifetz did not have a nickname for his penis. Gilbert? So, did you ever see Forrest Tucker's dick?

No, no. I had sworn off by that time. But when Cardinal Minzenti died, I was hoping to get a flight to Hungary to just see the pecker of the pontiff. But you can't have everything. Hilarious.

And you wrote a special, and this is not a joke, folks. You wrote a special called dick van dyke meets bill cosby absolutely right and the highlight of that was we're getting ready to shoot and they're rehearsing the scene in which bill cosby who was a low hurdler at Temple University, is going to run the hurdles. Well, he trips and breaks his leg. So they had to suspend the show for a year. Now, I knew Bill from when I first came to William Morris in New York after 11 years as an architect. I used to

sit in the office and when I'd see a face I'd recognized, I'd go up and do 10 minutes or try to just to hope to get a gig. And Cosby used to sit with me. And he was very gregarious and friendly then. He was out of the Navy and out of Temple. And in the Navy, because he was black, they made him a medical corpsman at Walter Reed Hospital where his job was to give enemas. And he did an enema routine. He says, when you put the bone in, the guy goes, whoo-hoo. He says, you do not want to see him at lights out.

But when I started in the business, William Morris, I wanted to be a playwright. And when I got William Morris to sign me, and I'll tell you about that in a minute, I had plays and somebody gave a play of mine to the actor's studio guys. What the hell is his name? I'll think of it. Lee Strasberg? Lee Strasberg. Well, let me get to the Cosby story first.

What William Morris did in those days is beginning writers were assigned to black comics because nobody wanted to write for black comics. I was very happy to do that because I always had a lot of black friends. I was unusual. In my high school yearbook, every black kid signed it and said, you're great because you have no prejudice. you're great because you have no prejudice. And when I was elected president of my senior class, the local fraternities that expected to put their guy in didn't know why it happened. And my black friend says, he's the only one that talks to us.

So they elected me. But anyway, I worked for Timmy Rogers. Timmy Rogers. Oh, yeah. Oh, no. Great guy. I worked with Nipsey Russell and Dick Gregory and Godfrey Cambridge. Love them all. Flip Wilson.

Yeah, all great. Wonderful. So I really welcomed that opportunity. The problem was they never got to work the better places. Right. And if they ever got to work an Ed Sullivan show, it was really unusual. They'd stop traffic on the street and they'd say, guess who's on Ed Sullivan tonight? Somebody who's not exactly white.

It was a different era, but I didn't mean to get into that. That's for my, when I'm running for office. Yeah, Timmy Rogers, he would, after each one of his punchlines, he'd pop his eyes out and go, oh yeah! That's right. Or he'd shake his head and go, oh, yeah. Oh, no. And he also wrote that great fan favorite, Fla Jalapa. I met my baby in Florida.

We went in Pennsylvania, Pa, Fla Jalapa, Florida, Louisiana, Pennsylvania. I did an album for him, If I Were President, for Mercury Smash Records, and Quincy Jones produced it. Wow. And in it, it was a bunch of sketches, Ruby Dee, Aussie Davis, a guy named Hal Cromer, who was Stumpy of Stumpin' Stumpy in Harlem. Stumpin' Stumpy, sure. Right.

He was the first black act to do White Carbons. Sammy Davis stole that and got credit for it. It was a very funny album. But what happened was all the southern radio stations say they won't play it. And if anybody does play it, they'll boycott it. So it never saw the light of day. Now, Stumpin' Stumpy, think, were like the Black Martin and Lewis. They were.

And they were funny. Definitely funny. But in those days, even if you were funny and you weren't Lily White, you were not acceptable. Yeah, because one was nice looking and a singer, and the other one would make goofy faces. Yeah, and he'd also do kind of acrobatic things, throwing himself around the stage like a rubber ball. And he did impressions too. I'm just thinking about the era in which white and black were completely stratified. And one of my good friends was Wally Amos, who was the first guy to bring in black artists like Sam Cooke and a few others. And he was the breakthrough guy that broke the color

barrier by representing these acts. It was an interesting time to be there. And you saw it firsthand, the racism aimed at these artists. They couldn't work certain clubs. They couldn't stay in the hotels. Exactly. And to Jack Benny's credit, Rochester had to stay where he stayed or he wouldn't do the show. And that was Sinatra with Sammy. And when I was an architect in Pittsburgh, my first partner was a black guy. We were in school together.

So we formed a partnership. No white contractor would bid on our jobs and sometimes people pulled down the scaffolding just to teach us a lesson terrible yep but i'll take that over poland in 1939 was there a dangling sammy story it's not a Sammy story, a Cosby story that you were starting to tell before? No, it was just that he broke his leg doing what he was famous for, had a scholarship for doing, and had to wait. And then I saw him years afterwards, and he was no longer friendly.

Yeah, the timing of discussing him is interesting as he's being sentenced as we're recording this episode. And at any time when you were doing that special did you find dick van dyke unconscious in sammy's dressing room never you mean in cosby's dressing room no but you know it's like they had nothing to say to each other, although Dick was always absolutely lovely. I know you've spoken to Dick maybe 50 times. He's just a wonderful guy.

He always was – he always meant to live up to the best expectations anybody could have for him. He was definitely immense. He still is. Incredible guy. You told me on the phone you did another project with him that would that that never flew this uh right dick dick bought the rights to a best-selling book called how to become a bishop without being religious and it was a big success and it had the features like you have to perfect your stained glass voice because people think it's God speaking. You know, that's when you do the things looking for money.

And Jesus said, reach in your pocket. Don't look. Grab whatever feels silvery and crinkly. Pick it up. Put it in the offering. Anyway, so Pat McCormick and I wrote a screenplay based on how to become a bishop without being religious about a young couple that gets married. He's like a beginning in the church.

It was very funny, but no one would touch it. Was it about religious hypocrisy? Yeah, exactly. Nobody would touch that. And, of course, now we're everything settled and we're all cool with each other and we don't care who does what. It doesn't matter. Different times, yeah.

Different times is right. Now we just link hands, sing Kumbaya, and torch the nearest temple. Oh, my God. Now, you are friends with just about every famous midget in show business. That's right. Oh, my God. They were small but delightful.

Three. Yes. Michael. Michael Dunn. Michael Dunn. Lovely guy. I used to meet him at Downey's Bar. Yeah, he was Dr. Loveless.

That was it. Wild, wild west. He was also on Ship of Fools. Correct. And he was a brilliant guy, and he was really heroic because twice a year, he'd check himself into a research hospital in Texas so they could take punches of his sternum and take blood, bone cells and blood. He was trying to be the research resource to deal with spina bifida,

which was the dwarfism that kept him a dwarf, that made him a dwarf. So he offered up his body to science. Wow. And one thing he told me that was unique, he said, you know what every little person hates? I said, no. He says, going to the men's room. I said, why is that? He says, people always follow you in to look at your dick.

Oh, my God. Hervé Villaché said the same thing. Now, who would dream of that as being a concern? But what Michael did is he said, I took karate. He said, so if somebody gets close to me in the toilet, I break their instep. And he showed me kicking down with a downward powerful thrust. And at Downey's one afternoon, he goes into the toilet and a big guy comes out hobbling after a huge scream. Unreal. And Michael came out.

He says, I got the fucker. And Hervé had a gun. i know he punched him at the urinal he take out the gun and say how much do you love your balls gilbert this is a dream guest for you oh my god and and you are also friends with billy bardy yes lovely guy did you know that bill Billy Barty designed a furniture collection for little people? We did not know that. It's called the Billy Barty Collection. So if you're looking for an undersized shiffer robe or a bed, get online.

You'll find it. Yes, strange are the uses of adversity i told you on the phone that gilbert lost a part to billy yes yeah and a mel brooks flick yes that's the unkindest cut of all yes now also and this is something before i i ever to you. I was watching one of these rerun channels and an old Charlie's Angels popped up. With Sammy Davis. Yes. And it's Sammy Davis playing a dual role with that terrible Patty Duke double image. with that terrible Patty Duke double image.

And he's Sammy Davis and a Sammy Davis impersonator. Yes, a guy who was a successful car dealer, as I remember, who hated to be mistaken for some actor because you know what actors are like. Yes. Anyway, Aaron Spelling introduced me to Sammy, and Sammy says, I'm supposed to do Charlie's Angels. Write me something. So I said, what about this?

He said, yeah, I'll do that. I'll do that. And I wrote a spinoff of Starsky and Hutch called Huggy Bear and the Turkey for Antonio Fargas, who played Huggy Bear. And he has a white partner who's a southern boy and the script calls for him to meet a snitch. Detective stories always have a snitch and this was Blind Bessie the woman who interpreted numbers and knew everything and the setup was she doesn't like white people. So I said well Huggy Bear is going to tell his partner to pretend to be black because she's blind and she'll never know. So Aaron says, well, how are you going to do that? I said, well,

the magic sentence is, when do the new Cadillacs come in? And I asked Sammy, is that offensive? He said, no, baby, that's cool. Let's go with that. Why did the Huggy Bear spinoff not fly, Ron, do you think? I know because it was all set up to roll. It was on the schedule. And then suddenly I get a call. You know, we decided we're going to go with another partner for Huggy. And he ended up being the captain of the love boat.

And then it ended up with, you know, maybe Huggy isn't right ended up being the captain of the Love Boat. And then it ended up with, you know, maybe Huggy isn't right. And then they just pulled it. So years later, I asked Aaron, why did they pull it? And he says, oh, maybe ABC did not want to have a black person starring on their network. Oh, that's shameful. It is. It's terrible. But that was the world then. But they never admitted it. Well, take us back a little bit. You've talked a couple of times about being an architect. And you told me on the phone you knew or interacted with Frank Lloyd Wright.

I did. Which was mind-blowing. Well. What kind of character was he? When I met him, he was old and sort of gaga. When I met him, he was old and sort of gaga because at the Taliesin West, which was in Scottsdale, Arizona, I was invited there by his chief draftsman who had the unusual good luck to marry Joseph Stalin's daughter, Svetlana Stalina. How about that for a father-in-law? What's he doing now?

Murdering Ukrainians. He's on 582,000. As soon as he gets to 650, we're having dinner. So anyway, I'm invited there, and I'm really honored. I can't believe it. But when I get there, it's late in the year, and the person that met me at the airport was wearing Renaissance brocade, velvet pants with a big feather in the cap, a velvet tam, and buckle shoes. And he said, the master likes a little Baccarini and Renaissance music of a Sunday. And it was a blistering hot day.

Gila monsters are vomiting. And I get there to this compound, and I hear the music of Baccarini, and all of them are sitting there in the blazing sun in Renaissance brocades. And I look to the guy that brought me in, and I said, I'm in a madhouse. He said, no, the master likes, and we provide what the master likes. He says, but you're very late. So we are out of available materials for you to build your habitat. I said, what do you mean?

I have to build where I'm going to stay here? He said, yes. But all we have now is this. He pointed to a 55-gallon oil drum, empty, and a piano case, a wooden piano case. I said, you're shitting me. He says, not at all. And he goes over to the desert in a hump of sand, and here's the oil drum with a white cloth over it.

He kicks the drum. The cloth goes back, and a Japanese guy goes, oh, oh, oh. He said, this is Hiro from Tokyo. He arrived yesterday. Unbelievable. Yes, it was. I didn't stay too long. No, I can imagine. And one story that

we can't hear enough of on this show. Yes. You were friends with Pat McCormick. He was co-writers. He was his writing partner. We were writing partners for almost five years, which means I couldn't find Pat 80% of the time. And his mantra was cover for me.

At one time, we had two jobs rolling, and Pat wasn't there. And his wife called, oh, Pat has the flu, or Pat is at the track. He got locked out of his car. Then I find out he's doing the Kraft Music Hall in New York. But that was Pat. Now tell us the legendary helicopter story. Yes, I was not there. But he can confirm it.

I can confirm it because I knew everybody who was there. Pat rented a helicopter with hookers, and he would fly over the writer's house and over the house the hooker would blow the writer under a blanket under a blanket there's a new wrinkle yeah pat was always concerned with appearances yeah was there a sandwich we were told there was like a sack lunch like he gave him a tuna sandwich when they boarded the plane that sounds right because pat had you know no taste in food as long as there was a lot of it he didn't care what the hell it was but i i told uh i told frank the story of being thrown out of westminster abbey yeah tell that one that's great. Pat and I wrote a special for Lucille Ball called Lucy in London with Tony Newley and James Robertson Justice.

Directed by our friend Steve Binder. Absolutely. Brilliant guy. Yep. Anyway, we're there. You know, Pat could embarrass a toilet seat. He just had a knack for that. Like we'd be walking on the street, he'd see a pretty girl and he'd say, blow me.

And then he'd shove me. He said, this is an ugly American, ma'am. I'm very sorry. How dare you offend this British woman? So there's some time off and he says, I want to go to Westminster Abbey. I said, when you're buried there, I'll go with you because if I go with you, you'll embarrass me. He said, I'm a Harvard man. I know how to behave.

And he was a Harvard man, which is ridiculous. Anyway, at this time, Pat's hobby was to drop his pants at unusual venues. To make sure this was accommodated in a swift manner, he would load his pockets with rolls of quarters. So when he'd release the belt, bang, the pants would hit. Fantastic. He'd be standing there in the world's cheapest underwear. I mean, the worst. It was like a kid's underwear. Bubble gum stuck to it.

I mean, it was horrible. Anyway, we're in Westminster Abbey, and I turn away for a moment, and I hear, bang, he's dropped his pants. And the guard comes over over and he says, not in Poet's Corner, sir. And Pat said, is this Poet's Corner? He said, yes. So Pat recites, there once was a man from Nantucket. And we were thrown were. I was thrown out of Westminster Abbey because of Pat McCormick. Incredible. Incredible.

Tell the story about when his son was born, too. Oh, yeah. When his son was born, he had everybody around there for the welcome Ben into the world. He comes out with a covered tray, silver-covered tray. He pulls it up. Ben is lying there surrounded by new potatoes and parsley. Incredible. Was there also,

as long as we're on the subject of Pat, was there a Jonathan Winters swimming pool story? No, it was, I think, a Carl Reiner swimming pool story. I stand corrected. No, it was Jonathan's. it was okay yes he took a

took a dump in the pool and then isn't wouldn't that be a great cole porter song opening yes it would i took a dump in the pool and i thought about you and anyway anyway, he then circled the pool with the pool scoop, trying to find it, and he couldn't get it. And this is when Eileen, Jonathan's wife, said, get him out of here. He may never return. That's fantastic.

How did you get hooked up with him in the first place, Ron? How did you... He came on to the Danny Kaye show. Danny Kaye is the guy that dragged me out of New York because I never wanted to leave New York. Right. And the second year, Pat McCormick is added to the writing staff. And he's there for five minutes at the time of the reading of the script, which was always dangerous because Danny was mercurial. And suddenly Pat walks out.

And Danny said, who the hell was that? And Perry Lafferty says, that's one of your new writers, Pat McCormick. He said, do you have to pay him a special price because of his height? And Perry says, no, no. And Danny says, is he coming back? And I said, you'll know when he's back. So five minutes later, Pat walks in trailing 120 feet of toilet paper on his shoe. Fantastic.

Now, one thing, Pat used to sell advertising space for Parade magazine. So what he did is he had a meeting with some sponsors and he finds a wino on West Madison Street. They were in Chicago. And he gives him his business card and he says, go up there and tell him you're waiting for me. Then Pat waits 10 minutes and goes up. Here's the wino in the conference room. And Pat comes in. He says, Dad, how many times have I told you don't come to work? It's amazing that you guys were able to get as much done as you did.

Well, I was the guy that made sure it got done. I see you were doing the work yeah when pat was aimed for peaceful purposes he was great we had a hell of a good time of course now you wrote a bunch of odd couple episodes great ones yeah great thanks one of one of my favorite shows i really enjoyed that and you were friends with both those guys. Yes, I was friendly with Jack Klugman and friendliesque with Tony. But there was good chemistry between us. Klugman went to my alma mater, which was Carnegie Tech. And when I got to know him better, I asked him about, Jack, you went to Carnegie Tech

drama department. He says, yeah. I said, how did that happen? He says, well, I was a waiter at Bookbinders in Philadelphia. I was into the Shylocks for Seven Large. This big guy comes in and he says, Klugman, you're going to pay us on Saturday with the Vig, and we're going to break your legs off

and shove them up your ass one at a time. He said, I thought at that moment, I need a career change. So I thought, why not be an actor? He said, so I went to Carnegie Tech and I auditioned. I said, for whom did you audition? He said, for the dean of the school, Henry Boettcher. Henry Boettcher was a brilliant, lovely guy, just tremendous guy, who would make Noel Coward look butch. And I thought, Jack is going to audition for him? You know, I know he's not going to do Moliere. So I said, what did you do?

He said, I did something from Clifford Odets. And I said, what happened after the audition? He said, Henry said, you're not an actor, you're a truck driver. But there's a war on and we need men. You're in. Fantastic. That was it. Fantastic.

And for Randall, you made him happy by writing an opera episode. You wrote the Dick Fredericks episode. That's exactly right. And you wrote a ballet episode. You wrote the Swan Lake episode, too. I think I, yeah, I did. Yeah, Last Tango in Newark. That was it.

Yeah, yeah. Randall – Go ahead. Randall loved culture and he complained. He says, everyone involved with this production is a Philistine. They know nothing of art or culture. And I said, well, that's a fucking lie. There's a lot of class here.

You just have to know where to look. And he says, well, I'm looking for opera. My mother was an opera singer. So I grew up thinking everybody's mother could do something from Lock May or from Carmen. And so I talked opera with him. He says, that's it. I want an opera show.

So I wrote one. Does your mother know you're out? The Rigoletto. Yep. In which, anyway, I was very happy with it. They were happy with it. It's one of my favorite shows.

Did you, you were friends with Gary Marshall. Belson too? Well, yeah, I knew Belson slightly. He was closer to Gary. They were very tight. And Gary was very friendly and wonderful to work with and good to people. He made a point of being a mensch.

One of mine, Gilbert, Italian. Gary Marshall. Take that. Half Italian. That's right. The other half was Jewish. That's right. While I nudge Gilbert awake,

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Because adding crispy bacon and creamy parmesan sauce to our 100% Canadian beef makes it impossible to have a conversation. Try the new creamy parmesan and bacon quarter pounder today and discover how words are so unnecessary. For a limited time only at participating mcdonald's restaurants in canada gil and frank went out to be now they're back so they can be on their amazing colossal podcast kids time to get back to gilbert and frank's amazing colossal podcast so let's go take us back because you talked talked about your career as an architect, and you alluded to how you would run into comics anywhere on the street, in bars and restaurants, and your approach was to just go up to them.

Absolutely. And just start doing 10 minutes of schtick as a way of selling yourself to them. That was it. And often it worked, and sometimes people just looked at me oddly. I did that with Sid Caesar, and he says, what are you taking for this? Well, go ahead. But later we worked together. It was great.

But I was basically a shy guy as an architect. I mean, you know, I had facts and figures, steel, wood. You know, I know what a cantilever is. But as a comic, there's no credentials responsible. No credentials. If you can make somebody laugh, you have a shot. Well, why did you make that decision? And how did your family handle that decision that you were suddenly going to change direction?

I know. It's like every parent's dream. What do you want to be? I think I'll be a florist or an actor. What do you mean? You're gay and you won't admit to it? Well, what happened? Nobody rewards you for wanting to be an artist.

But I've always written. I've always worked. I worked in Summer stock as a singer, dancer, actor, and also a scene designer. I loved it and I was good at it, but my father died when I was 11. My brother was nine and a half. And so the idea was you don't want to be poor. You don't want to be hoping you'll get a can of tuna for dinner instead of nothing. So you need something to fall back on. So I had a lot of scholarships. I was lucky.

And I decided on architecture because I could fall back on that. Later, I found that I always had something to fall back on. It's called my ass. And when I fall on it, I get up. And this is what I told my kids and my students. But what it is is I was working very hard seven days a week. I was a head designer and field supervisor for a medium-sized Pittsburgh firm, and I had my own practice.

Seven days a week, I couldn't clear 10 grand. Two brilliant kids. I thought, I'm not going to be able to get them educated. So this was the inspiration. Well, why not be a writer? Which was completely nuts. Good for you. But it felt right.

And I know you must have made some creative decision along the way not to be involved in mortuary science. Somewhere along the way. Well, Gilbert got on stage when he was 15. And this was intentional? He was 15. And this was intentional? I guess so.

Go ahead. No, I was just saying you wrote a special. We've discussed a number of times on this podcast. Murder Can Hurt You. Oh, a TV movie. Yeah a tv movie yeah yeah yeah yeah i well uh neil simon had done a full-length movie with alec guinness and everybody else murder by death murder by death and so aaron spelling said we want to do a movie like that i said. So that's what I did. And they cleaned it up a bit because I wanted Ironside. I wanted Iron Tuchus. They wouldn't let me do Iron Tuchus. And the Starsky and Hutch, I had that variation. So I had the equivalent of just about all

the television detectives of the time with the man in white as the transcendental villain and it was it was great great fun we love it and uh yeah we've talked about it long before we we made your acquaintance jamie farr and john beiner were starsky and hutch right that's exactly right with the world's biggest mezuzah or something. Two guys we had on this show. And Gavin McLeod was... He was Kojak. Yeah, he was Kojak. And, oh, God. Victor Buono was Iron Tookus.

Yeah, that's right. Oh, and what's that actor? Was it the actor from Rocky? Yeah, Burt Young did a Columbo. And Burt Young was then on the Merv Griffin talk show, and Merv said, who wrote that script? And Burt Young said, I did. Oh, no shit.

Yes. What nerve. Who's going to tell him no? What nerve. Yeah. And Tony Danza did a Beretta spoof. Oh, that's right. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. What was- Oddly enough, Victor Bono and I hit it off. I was just going to ask about Victor Bono. Yeah, so I created a television pilot called

The Adventures of Mr. Hillary where Victor Bono and Michael Dunn were partners, detective partners. Oh, I love that. And the Michael Dunn character was bloodthirsty and always wanted to kill. And the Victor Buono was a cook and flower arranger. And they handled arcane mysteries. And then Victor died. And shortly after Michael died, and years later with

Stan Lee, I got Billy Barty and Lou Ferrigno to do Partners, which was the same idea. But the network didn't buy it because what do they know? Is that one of the 56 pilots? Yes. Yeah, yeah. Just tell me who were some of those people that you approached when you made the transition and you decided to just kind of walk up to people on the streets. Timmy Rogers was one of them? It isn't easy. Yeah, Timmy was. On the streets. Timmy Rogers was one of them. It isn't easy.

Yeah, Timmy was. Dick Gregory, Jack Carter. Yep, Jack Carter. I had a great time with Jack Carter. You told me a very funny Jack Carter story, by the way, as a side note. You told me that he had. Well, can I tell it? Yeah, please do. All right, because his grandchildren might be watching.

You don't have to use the real name. I won't use his real name. We will use his initials, J.C. I just realized how dangerous that is. Anyway, I'm working with him regularly because he's taken over for Jack Parr in the interim between Jack Parr and Johnny Carson. And he says to me, you know this singer? I don't want to mention her name. Her husband was a great singer.

He says, I've been crazy about her for years. He says, we've been trying to get together. Every time we try to get together, she's married, I'm married, they're divorced. Now we're both free and we're available, and I'm going to see her tonight. And I say, I was so happy for you, Jack. I'm going to have a dinner just to say Jack is getting lucky.

Anyway, I see him the next day and I said, well, how was the magic night? And he said, she brings in this little attache case. She opens it up. They're all kind of battery things and drills and things you shove up your ass and plug in. He said, they're things you put on your nipples and it gives you zets. He said, so I'm looking at this stuff and she approaches me with a mix master. And I said, call me when there's a power failure. Worth telling. worth telling

he knew how to put romance into a relationship i gotta send you something we'll send you a shit jack carter says which you'll love from our friend cliff nesteroff but who was okay who were some of the other people in the clubs joey ross you mentioned i mentioned joey ross and i'm writing a car 54 where are you and i'm sitting with nat hyken when joey comes in and nat says wait a minute he says to me this guy marries hookers all the time he just married a new one about three months ago and i heard he got a divorce hey joey come in i hear you got a divorce he says yeah he said. He says, but it was a bargain. He says, I figured out. I fucked her 178 times. He says, I was

getting screwed for about a third of her rate. Oh, my God. Oh, Lord. I know. And I'm a sensitive artist. You are. I mean, imagine what this did to me. Of course. You say you worked a lot of toilets in those days too i well i did with the comics i wrote with the comics who were some of the other

people oh god uh i'm thinking now david astor okay morty gunty morty gunty there's a name uh uh was borga playing those rooms victor borga. Yeah. Victor Borga played class places. I loved Victor. And he would call me from everywhere in the world and say, I need some lines. So one of the ones was I called Hertz to have a piano waiting for me. It was on the runway and the keys were in it. Nice. And he loved that.

And he did the punctuation act, you know, with the commas. Sure. So I did one for him, which was old English, where the Fs look like Ss. So when the president arrives, they play Hail to the Cheese. Very heady material, Ron. Listen, Victor was great. When I got to know him better, I said, did you speak English when you came here? He says, no, no, no. He says, I was in a Danish Siemens hotel. Very nice. He said on Times Square.

And he said there was a movie theater there for a dime. You could watch movies all day. He said, so I learned English by watching movies. He said, and then a friend of mine came to me and he says, Victor, you can't go to the movies anymore. And I said, why not? He says, you sound like a gangster. He was watching George Raft. Oh, great.

Yeah. To learn English. And you know about, and you could confirm, Paul Lynn, anti-semite when he was drinking yes but he he was a lovely guy until he had a couple drinks and then he turned into rudolph hess and he he hated everybody literally bruce valange said he turned into the wansi conference you guys you guys are on the same page. Absolutely. But you created Uncle Arthur. You created this iconic character for Bewitched.

Yep. Bill Asher was a good friend of mine. Anytime Bill worked, he wanted me to write the scripts. And Paul was a friend, and I knew Paul through Bill. And Paul said, I want to be on Bewitched. I have to be on that show. So I created Uncle Arthur, and he loved it. So you found that when he wasn't drinking, he was pleasant to be around.

Absolutely. He was a pleasant chap. Great fun. I hired him for the Jonathan Winter Show for 17 shows in a row with Alice Ghostly and what the hell, Cliff Arquette. Oh, wow. Yes. What a gang that was. I mean, there was some really instant funny.

I'll bet. And Cliff was funny as hell. He went back to the old days of Hollywood when he was banging a famous star. I'm trying to remember her name now. He said he used to screw her under the boardwalk in Santa Monica. He said, but he often had to wait in line when the Army or Navy were in town. Oh, my God. Perfect timing. We have Rosanna Arquette on the show today. Oh, be sure to tell her that.

I will. She'll love that. He used to dress as a priest and visit sick friends in the hospital. Who did this? Charlie Weaver? Cliff. Cliff Arquette. Yeah.

Fantastic. Now, a lot of people say, like, Alice Ghostly and Paul Lynn were basically the same person. Exactly. Similar act. The same kind of sort of unhappy but you know just absolutely crazy and they just fed each other so it was really great jonathan loved working off them because it had to be funny and johnny loved to do reactions whenever he had a shot at it so they gave him something to react to well tell us about your friendship with jonathan now that

you brought him up and you had that that story you told me on the phone about how he just refused to go to sleep. Oh, yeah. He refused to call it a night. True story. You know, a lot of comics, and I'm sure you've experienced this, Gilbert, when you're on a roll and everything is working, you do not want to stop. Because if you stop and you take a nap,'ll wake up your joker will be broken yes and that that was true of jonathan so he's working the hungry eye in san francisco and he's done a three shows and everybody's loving the last show and johnny says let's go to the buena vista for

irish coffee he wouldn't pay but everybody followed him there and he continued to do his act all night he just you know improvising the dawn comes so he continued to do his act all night. He just, you know, improvising. The dawn comes, so he goes to the Balclutha, which is the sailing ship at anchor in San Francisco Bay. He goes over the protective ropes, and he gets on the rigging, and he starts doing Charles Lawton as Captain Bly. He said— That had to be fabulous. Yeah, I'll bet. He said, that's when the men in the white coats came for me, and I spent the next two months making rope-soled shoes.

Yes, he did a little stretch there. Yep, he did. In the facility, in the hospital. Yep. So he was legitimately crazy, Jonathan. No, Johnny was just, he was a great guy. If you met him and spent time with him, you'd love him. The problem was, no offense, Gilbert, when a comic isn't working, the depression is intense.

It's like you paint the windows black, sit in a corner and say, it's all a load of shit and it's ending tonight. Gilbert can't relate to any of that, Ron. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm happy to hear that. He's a happy-go-lucky guy. Oh, a load of shit, and it's ending tonight. Gilbert can't relate to any of that, Ron. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm happy to hear that. He's a happy-go-lucky guy. Oh, yes. Well, that's why I couldn't hang with Johnny after the show, because I just couldn't sit there for hours watching him suffer.

I'm not good at that. Wow. But I did tell you about Maude Frickert, where he got Maude Frickert? No. You don't – well. Oh, yeah. You told me. Yeah.

And you also told me that he kind of resented Carson taking it and doing Ann Blabby. Oh, absolutely. Ann Blabby. I mean it was absolute highway robbery. Yeah. But Johnny wouldn't go on the Carson show for a while until Johnny Carson insisted. Then he went on. I see.

Because it was always good. It increased his bookings. But I asked him finally. I said, where did you get Maude Frickert? And he looked around like he had atomic secrets from Iran to make sure nobody was listening. And he pulls a yellow newspaper clipping out of his inside pocket, and I look at it, and on the old newspaper, it shows an old, old woman with wild eyes sitting in a wheelchair. And behind her is standing a retarded teenage boy who's about 11 feet tall. And the headline was, Newsboy Marries Best Customer.

And Johnny says, I looked at that and I heard the voice. Show it to me, Leonard. Oh! Show it! Oh, no, put it back! Save it for the honeymoon! Wow! And that was it. That's where he got it. That's where. Wonderful. And it really was, I mean, Carson's

Aunt Blabby was direct. A direct steal. Absolutely. Yeah, well, Art Fern was taken, too. From Jackie Gleason. Yeah. He borrowed everything. You bet. Yeah.

Borrowed. You're a genuine, lovely guy. Steal from the best, Ron. Steal from the best. Yes. Tell us about writing. We could go on for days and days here, but tell us about Josh Ackabor. Oh, my God, yes. go on for days and days here but tell us about joshua gabor oh my god yes oh well i get a call

from my agent and he says we want you to write they want you to write a comedy album for joshua i said no he said why not i said she's not funny he said 37 500 i said she's fucking hilarious so i was told to go over to her suite at the Savoy Hilton, which was part of her divorce settlement from the Hilton who owned the Hilton Hotels. And I ring the bell, the door opens, and she's completely naked. I was an architect like 10 weeks earlier. None of my clients ever met me there. It's a new world.

No, designing a bar or a hotel. No, they don't show up naked. But not only that, behind her on her hands and knees on a shag rug was her private secretary who looked like, I don't know, Gertrude Stein might look if she was a fullback for the Chicago Bears. And she's on her hands and knees in the shag rug, and Zsa Zsa says, you'll find Mr. Magoo's diamond, you bitch, or I'm going to fire your fat ass. She had a Yorkshire terrier named Mr. Magoo that had a diamond in its topknot.

It fell off in a shag rug. So here's this woman going hands in these, going through the rug, while the naked star is standing looking at me, giving me what I might call a gynecological expose to show her contempt for me, discussing what the album should be, and it should be sophisticated and bright and light,

and I'm trying not to look. Unbelievable. Yes. As she turns around every once in a while, she says, God damn it, did you find that fucking diamond yet, you bitch? And again, I have to pretend this is absolutely normal. That better be in the memoir, Ron, that story. Anyway, I leave to write the album.

I write the album. Everybody loves it. You know, they want to do it immediately. But Zsa Zsa has a problem. And I said, what's the problem? She wants to see you. So I was very nervous about going back. Because if the opening was nudity, you know, what's next?

You know, grease guns and the ladders. You know, I'm very nervous. I go back. This time she's dressed, you know, reasonably sane. And she says, darling, I want you to meet my comedy consultant, Mrs. Beck. And she points to a woman standing in the window who looked like a whore in the Weimar Republic. standing in the window, who look like a whore in the Weimar Republic. She has white makeup with black lipstick and a black leather dress with shoes with spurs.

And she's smoking a four-foot-long cigarette that's black. And Zsa Zsa says, Mrs. Beck, darling, tell him what must be done. And Mrs. Beck turns to me and she says, apple thumps. Do you know what an apple thump is? I said, apple thump. That's a pithy remark. She said, exactly. Do apple thumps.

Zsa Zsa says, that's it, darling. Fix it. I know you. Oh, my God. You look like I look. My jaw's it, darling. Fix it. I know you. Oh, my God. You look like I look. My jaw's on the table. Wow. To any question that has apothems as an answer, you know you're dead.

Well, I Googled this last night. Does this album exist? Did it ever? No, it was never done. She wouldn't do it. She wouldn't do it. There were not enough apothems. I served the internet for this thing. That's fantastic. Another loss to literature.

Yeah. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast after this. Well, speaking of comedy albums, famous comedy albums, you wrote for Vaughn Meter? I did. Wow. I was writing a new album for him when Kennedy was assassinated. Wow. Or shortly thereafter, and Vaughn says, oh shit, what do I do now? I said, you'll wait six weeks, I'll write you a new act. And that's what I did. And he opened at the Blue Angel, and it was unbelievable because it was like Kennedy was resurrected. So all media were there.

Every magazine, every television, radio, everything was there. Pathé News was there. It was unbelievable. And Shelley Berman, who was sort of indirectly responsible for me becoming a writer, showed up in a tuxedo to introduce Vaughn and introduce me. And Vaughn did the act and got great response, but the reviews were all the same. Mr. Meter is an indifferent performer, but the material was brilliant. And Danny Kaye was in the audience, and he says, you're coming to California. And I said, under no circumstances.

You went. I went. I followed the money. Was Berman the first guy to buy material from you? Was he the first legit comic, or was it Timmy Rogers? No, it was—Shelly didn't buy, but Shelly helped me become a writer. I see. Because I had met him in summer stock, one summer in summer stock,

where I was the assistant scene designer and also an actor, a singer know the dancer i went out for drinks whatever it was and so shelly was appearing at the vogue terrace in pittsburgh which for pittsburgh was a classy club they had toilets for ladies you know it was very classy it was yes cafe society cafe society so i called the vogue terrace and i got shelly and i convinced him he remembered me. And I said, you know, I can write for you. He says, no, schmuck, you can't write for me. I said, well, let me try. What's the big deal?

He says, all right, here's my address. Send me something. Six weeks later, he calls me and he says, schmuck, you can do this shit. Come to New York. I'll get you an agent. I'm on the Perry Como show. I'll see you there. So I made arrangements with my office. I fly to New York. I go on the Perry Como show. I'll see you there. So I made arrangements with my office. I

fly to New York. I go to the Como show. I walk in and Shelly's there. And I say, Shelly, I'm Ron Friedman. He says, I'm having a nervous breakdown. I'm going to Jamaica. I can't talk to you. I said, I came in from Pittsburgh. He said, it will be there when you return. So here I am. Wow. However, my good luck was that my fraternity brother, Gary Smith, was the scene designer for the Como show. And he said, did you bring any material? I said, yeah, I brought all of this. He said, let me give it to the head writer, Goodman Ace of Easy Aces, and we'll see what he says. So I sit down.

I wait. An hour later, Goodman Ace comes out. He says, come with me. And he takes me into the writer's room. He said, if any of these Jews die, I'll hire you. Great. He said, but I have no money in the budget. He said, so go over to William Morris, see Larry Auerbach.

He'll sign you. So I go over to Larry Auerbach, and he says, I'll sign you because if Goody says you're good, you're good. He said, but, you know, you can't write comedy in Pittsburgh. You have to move to New York. So I went back to Pittsburgh. It took me a year to sell my practice for about $11, and then I went to New York. I love that. Was Gary Smith the future Gary Smith of Smith-Hemian?

That's it. Smith, Dwight Hemian, Gary Smith. Hemian Smith, yeah. Now, we've heard nothing but bad things about Danny Kaye. I can understand that because Harvey Korman said, Danny Kaye does a great impression of a human being. And to a large extent, that was true. But for some reason, Danny immediately took a liking to me, especially when

he heard about Frank Lloyd Wright, because Perry Lafferty, the producer, had told him that. That impressed him. I see. So ever after, it was like he was talking to somebody who understood his high-flying life. And the guy was brilliant. He was bizarre, but brilliant. He was a certified airline pilot. He could fly anything, anything, helicopter, jets, 747, whatever. He could fly it. He was a master Chinese chef. He apprenticed in the restaurant, Johnny Can's Restaurant in San Francisco, just like some kid off the boat in China. We'd have to disjoint ducks with two hatchets. We watched him do it. Did you know this about him, Gilbert? Did you know he was a pilot too? Few people know this. And every year he'd have a giant Chinese feast for the writers

and he'd make it all. It was really unbelievable. He was also a cordon bleu chef. He went to the cordon bleu. He mastered that. He was a great conductor, symphony conductor. Couldn't read a note of music. And every symphony that he conducted for said he was their favorite conductor. He just got everything out of them. Well, we had Bernie Coppell and Jamie Farr here, and they weren't wild about him. But Joyce Van Patten was. He loved Joyce, and they worked great together.

They had a great tandem. Yeah. And he liked you, apparently. He did, which was shocking. Other people looked with a dismay when he would smile at me. What do you make of the rumors of Danny Kaye and Olivier? Was that all Hollywood bullshit? Was there anything there?

Who wants to know? Gilbert. I got to tell you, I doubt it. I really doubt it. You do. Yeah. Because Danny was kind of sadistic. He liked to sort of torture women. And you don't give that up for a guy.

Oh, my God. As long as we're talking about guys with a certain reputation, you also work with Joey Bishop. I did. Oh, my God. I was just going to say that. I cut you off. I'm sorry. I know.

We're thinking of people who everybody hates. Yes. We've done 240 of these or some number like that, Ron. We have not heard a flattering word about Joey Bishop. He earned it, believe me. I saw him before he was recognized. He used to play one of those club circuits on the East Coast, Pittsburgh, Baltimore, Boston. The Dornan brothers also played that circuit. It was kind of lowlife shit. And at that time, Joey Bishop worked with a vibraphonist named Carl Gerald, who was funnier than Joey.

So every performance was like a hate match to see who could trip up the other guy the quickest. Unbelievable. But he liked me because he was doing a Chevrolet special and he hated the material. And I was brought in to rewrite the material and he liked the material. So then he talked to me like a friend, which was strange. And I asked him where he got the voice of Maxwell Smart. And he told me. He said, I used to do a carbon act and I did William Powell.

Oh, wait. You're talking about Don Adams. Yeah. Oh, you're Joey Bishop. Yeah. Two pricks. I can't about Don Adams. Yeah. Oh, you're Joey Bishop. Yeah. Two pricks. I can't tell the difference. One prick at a time, Ron.

Yes, exactly right. That's Churchill's story. He had a bad day at the House of Commons with a particular member, and he's in the house, and the butler knocks on the toilet door, and he said, and he's in the house and the butler knocks on the toilet door and he said, Sir, the Honorable Frederick Riley is here. He says, Tell him I can only take one shit at a time. Okay, so you didn't like Bishop, but Don Adams, you were asking how he got there.

I liked Don. Oh, you liked Don. Joey was okay at a distance. Okay. He was so determined to be the star that he did a particular episode of the Joey Bishop show in which he was also supposed to play his uncle, who was a dead ringer for him. And he almost fired the writers, Fred Freeman and Larry Cohen. He said, you made him too funny. They said, but it's you, Joey. It's you. You're doing both parts. No, you made him too funny. They said, but it's you, Joey. It's you.

You're doing both parts. No, you made him too funny. That's not me. But Adams, you were asking Adams where he got Maxwell Smart. Wasn't it Byron Glick? Byron Glick? Yeah, wasn't that the character he did on the Bill Dana show? Yeah.

Yeah, but he didn't call him Byron Glick? Yeah, wasn't that the character he did on the Bill Dana show? Yeah. Yeah, but he didn't call him Byron Glick. He just said, I was doing William Powell, and I just tightened my asshole, and I just notched it up, you know, just one notch. And that was Maxwell Smart. Because in his act, he used to do, a good fullback and a good halfback should go hand in hand, but not on campus. That was his joke, so if it falls, it's not my fault. I love it. What about Vincent Price, somebody, a favorite of Gilbert's? We know you guys had a friendship.

Yes, he was lovely. He liked my wife. He liked me. He had dinner at our house. We went out with him. He was just a lovely guy and very unpretentious, very, very well schooled in art. He was responsible for making Sears a broker for American art. Yeah, can you imagine?

Jeez. He did. And a lot of people bought American art, mostly multiples, and suddenly found out a few years after they purchased it that they had some things of real value. suddenly found out a few years after they purchased it that they had some things of real value. So things that used to sell for $25 or at the most $75 are now worth $7,000, $10,000, $50,000 bucks, all because of Vincent. I love what you told me on the phone that he worked so consistently because he was such a menschy guy. He was such a pro's pro. And people loved having him around. He was such a menschy guy. He was such a pro's pro.

And people loved having him around. They loved having him on sets. They did because he was just joyful to be with. He was always friendly and open. Everybody was somebody worth talking to as far as he was concerned. And when I was producing shows and I'd have somebody acting up, I'd take them into the office and I'd say, how long do you want to do this? And they'd say, what do you mean? I said, how long do you want to be an actor? How long do you want to do this? And they'd say, what do you mean? I said, how long do you want to be an actor? How long do you want to be a – all my life.

I said, well, then you better stop doing what you're doing or you're done. The minute you get a little older, they'll get somebody nice who's as old as you are, and you'll never work again. But everybody hires Vincent because he's great to have around. He's a marvelous performer, and he makes you feel good for being in the business with him. I'm going to make Gilbert do a little Vincent Price for you. Go ahead, Gil. Go ahead. Favor Ron.

Yes. He's entertaining us. We should entertain him. The tinglers loose in the theater. Scream. Scream for your lives. And Gilbert met him, too. too yeah i met him twice very and he was lovely i bet yeah yeah terrific guy yeah tell him what he said when you uh when you reminded him where you met oh i had met him on the uh thick of the night. That was Alan Thicke's talk show.

And I said, I don't know if you remember me, but we met on Thick of the Night. And he said, oh, yes, that was a terrible show. I love that. And it was. Where can we go here, Ron? Is there an Orson Welles, Desi Arnaz story? There is. There is.

Absolutely. It's a wonderful story because I'm working with Lucy, and I knew that she had worked with Orson, and I said, how did that happen? She said, well, Desi, who was very, very brilliant, he's the guy that created the slave camera and you own it rather than do it for somebody else. And he said to Lucy, we need somebody for Desilu. We need to make product. And she said, well, let's get Orson.

So Desi says, where is he? And she said, he's living at the Chateau Marmont he owes a liquor store over a hundred thousand dollars he's been charging hookers on a credit card and he hasn't and he hasn't paid his rent at the Chateau Marmont for months so yeah let's let's uh pay his debts take him to Palm Springs and put him in our house and say write something. So I said, how did that work? And she says, well, six weeks go by, eight weeks, nothing, nothing from Orson. But he's charging again.

He's charging on our account for food, for drugs, for a tailor. He keeps changing his clothes because he's putting on weight every minute. And Desi said, what's the tab up to? She said, I told him. And he said, that's it. He takes his gun out and he says, I'm going to talk to him. And she said, Desi had been drinking. I said, you're not going to drive to Palm Springs now in the middle of the night with your gun when you're half loaded. He says, I i'm gonna talk to orson and he's gonna answer me correctly and i i said what did you think would happen she said i thought he was gonna kill him anyway the next day desi comes back and lucy said what what happened where

he said i put the gun in his nose and i said, you fat fuck, you're going to bring us something we can shoot in three weeks or I will kill you. And I said, he did that? She says, Desi was Desi. That's what Desi did. And he always meant what he said. I said, so what happened? She said, 10 days later, Orson rents a limo to take the script back to us in Beverly Hills from Palm Springs. And I said, and? She said, the script was something about the Fountain of Youth. I saw it. I was an architect then.

It didn't register. But it won the Peabody, the Sylvania. It won all kind of awards. It was a – he broke the fourth wall where the narrator moves in with the, it was just brilliant. How about that? And I said, that's wonderful. What happened? She said, well, then Desi said, all right, let's do the rest of them.

And Orson says, what rest? He says, I can't think of another thing. Oh, wow. So he pulled a gun on Orson Welles in the middle of the night. Well, the words, I'll kill you, you fat fuck, have a way of transcending all kinds of situations. So Desi carried a piece. Hervé Villachez carried a piece. Oh, yeah.

You told me on the phone that Danny Thomas showed you his gun. Absolutely. He showed everybody his gun. Wow. Yep. Now, did you hear any other stories about Danny Thomas? No. Having to do with glass coffee tables.

With what? I can't believe he's going there. Glass coffee tables. I'd rather not say I'm going to get a call from Ron I'm going to get a call from Ron at 3 in the morning He's going to be packing Yes I'd just like to put in this word

for consideration Delicacy There's a time for delicacy. That does not include glass tables. Yes. And as far as I'm concerned, not having been there fortunately, I can't validate it. We'll leave it at that, Ron. Yes. But you could tell Gilbert the Pat McCormick, Carol Wayne story, which is also wonderful.

It is unbelievable. And if you don't know Pat, you think it's complete nonsense. But he's doing a round-the-world kind of tour with Carol Wayne. And they're in Saudi Arabia or one of those countries where they prefer camels to people. And Saudi Arabia are one of those countries where they prefer camels to people. And he's in the waiting room of one of the major airlines when a sheik comes up to him and says, my master would like to buy her. What's the price? And Pat, of course, always willing to negotiate, said something like, well, 30,000 camels. I'd like 10,000 racehorses, a couple of Italian sports cars, and $500,000, mad money.

And he goes, it's a big list, laughing like hell. An hour later, the guy comes back and he says, you have struck a bargain. We're not going to give you all that livestock because you know that that is not – we really can't use that where you are in California. He said, but we'll make a cash settlement on that. And he offers him money and a check and something else. And he says, now turn her over. And Carol Wayne says, what do you mean turn me over? I'm not on sale.

I'm not on sale. So the airline had to call the American charge d'affaires to come there to make sure that Pat and Carol could leave the country. Unreal. Because the Emir, the Sheikh, prevented the airlines from leaving. No airliner could leave until that had been settled. Oh. Madness. Absolute madness. Well, let me just tell you this quickly.

I'm doing Lucy in London with Pat McCormick. We're flying over. Pat's on a new diet. His new diet is a six-pack of Mexican beer every four hours. That was it. The weight's supposed to just drop off. So we're sitting in the airline, and Pat suddenly grabs his chest, his eyes roll back and he falls over in the aisle. And the stewardess says, is there a doctor on the plane?

Two doctors run back with the stewardess and they carry Pat to the back of the plane. I try to go back there and the steward comes out and he says, I'm sorry, sir, you may not go back. He's being treated. I'm standing there. I go back to the seat. The steward comes over. He said, you know, you may have to stay with the body until it can be repatriated. I said, what are you talking about?

Did he die? He says, well, no, but he is under physician's care. And should he die, it will be up to you as his seatmate to identify the remains and stay with it until they are repatriated. I'm thinking he's dead. So the plane lands. I go into the terminal at Heathrow, and I'm waiting, and I'm waiting, and no Pat. And I'm also holding his garment bag, which is for a 6'11 guy.

For me holding it up, I'm getting a hernia. Hilarious. And I'm waiting, waiting, waiting, and suddenly he shows up. I said, where were you? He says, I was screwing a nurse. I said, what? He said, I pretended to have a heart attack because the seat was too small. So they gave me a whole row to lie down in, and they gave me coffee and everything.

He said, and then I had to report to the hospital here to get a clean bill of health. Just, yes. I am speechless. So am I. At that time, at like three in the morning at Heathrow, and he's alive, I wanted to kill him. But you guys stopped writing together at a certain point, but you remained friends. Yes. Yeah.

Absolutely. What a legend. What a legend. We can't get enough Pat McCormick. I'll tell you why we stopped seeing each other. My wife had a big party, and Pat is invited, and it's late. Everybody's eating, and Pat doesn't show up. There's a ring at the bell, and I go there, and there's a pimp dressed in blue velvet with an enormous floral bouquet in his hat with three hookers.

He says, hi, my name is Gato, and these chiquitas are for Mr. McCormick. Do you mind if we wait in the kitchen? They have had nobody to eat all day. My wife didn't laugh. She's not laughing now. Absolutely not. Get them the hell out of here. Unreal. It's just gold. Ron, I know you wanted to try out some of your or sing some of your Christmas songs for Jewish people. Well, I'll sing one in the hopes that it will refresh the mood.

I promise Gilbert you would favor him. Here's the one. I sold this by singing it to ABC Paramount. Then they insisted I do it with a world-class klezmer group. First number. Hark the herald angels sing, nothing good is happening.

My son Jake, the licensed plumber, left his wife for a Polish bomber. And my daughter Tammy Florence, graduate from Sarah Lawrence, called us up last week from Rome. She's living with a dyke. She ain't coming home. Please, the angels, don't hark me. Leave me alone. I'm suffering. Many, many other hits.

Do you have an album worth of those? I do. I have a complete album including O Little Town of Bethlehem, Altoona, Scranton 2 Can we hear another? You got another one in you? If I can remember, Jingle Bells, Minsky Cells, Plumbing Fixtures, hey Give your wife a nice surprise, a toilet or bidet, hey And then, what was the other one?

We three girls from Shaker Heights are planning a Hadassah bazaar. Sari Mintz is a Jewish princess. She sits on her tush like the czar. Something to offend everyone. I love it. I haven't been entertained by a guest like this in a long time. Ron, this is just, we could go forever and ever and ever. I'd love to because I admire Gilbert,

and I always liked you. The sound of your voice makes everything distinctive and also your commitment to the material. There is a, I will die doing this, and you will enjoy it, or I'll go to your house and kill your children kind of, you must pay attention. You must enjoy this. And if it's really rough material, it's even then, it's like,

I know, I know this is low material, but I've got to do it, and you're compelled to enjoy it. That's it. So I like to do your joke, which is a bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear said to the rabbit, does the shit tick to your fur? The rabbit says no, so the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit. Gold. gold it's been a what a tribute wow yeah thank you what he said to me on the phone is he admires the fact that you've come this far and you haven't been locked up yet it is a tribute to the inefficiency of the judicial system.

Ron, we got to do this again sometime. I'll be delighted to, anytime. It's a cliche of this show, but we did barely scratch the surface. We didn't get into Leslie Nielsen, Bob Hope, your friend Frank Gorshin. Oh, yeah. Fred Astaire. Right. I'll tell you Fred Astaire quickly.

I'm working with him at his house. And I look at the time. I say, Fred, I got to get home. My wife's having a party. He says, I'll walk you to your car. As he's walking me to a car, I hear, Freddy, put on your sweater. Fred was 140 at the time. And I look and it's his mother.

She's so thin you can see the sunset through her head. And she says, if you don't put on your sweater, you'll get the sniffles, and I can't stand you when you have the sniffles. He says, oh, Mom. And then he says to me, she's such a fucking pain in the ass. She says, I heard that, Freddy.

I heard that. Didn't you tell him he looked like the Sub-Mariner? Yes, of course. Of course, he didn't know who the hell it was, so I got him a comic book and showed him. He was flattered. I love that. And you'll tell us your Zero Mostel stories

next time. I definitely will. We'll have you back because there's so much here. Yeah, I love it. My God, what a career. And as I said, you're just such a dream. We both did. You're such a dream guest for this show. You know, he's like the Rosetta Stone of the Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast.

Yeah, this is one of those interviews where you just make sure the mic is on and we don't have to worry. We have to thank Gino, who called me up one day. But the first person who recommended you was Mark Evanier, our mutual friend. Yes, I have to call Mark. Yes, Mark is great. He was here. He was a lot of fun. And then I got a call from Gino, and he said two words, Ron Friedman.

And I said, I know, I know, I'm on it. And here you are. Yep. And he said we were going to love you, and we did. Well, it's mutual, and I look forward to getting on to the coast so I can hit you up for dinner at an establishment with one star. Do you come this way? Whenever I can, I will.

We'll take you to dinner. That would be great. Be our pleasure. What's happening with the Christmas songs for Jewish people? Are you putting that out? I have it available. Whoever wants it can get it for $22.95. I even did the cover art.

Where can they find this? Get me. Okay. Get me. Just hit my email. R-I-F-Y-A-N-K. Riff Yank. Riff Yank.

At AOL.com. We'll hook people up. And the memoir is called I Killed Optimus Prime, So Sue Me. And we didn't even get into it. This man wrote the Roger Corman Fantastic Four movie. Oh, my God. Infamous movie. We didn't get into that.

Next time. Next time is right. Hey, I'm Gilbert Gottfried. i'm here with my co-host frank santo padre this has been gilbert godfrey's amazing colossal podcast and and we've just done one of our easiest interviews with the great ron freed My chest hurts. I think they're going to have to sample my sternum. We haven't laughed this much in a long, long time, Ron.

I'm glad. You're a prince. I enjoy it. Thank you, buddy. Thank you both. Just wonderful. Thanks for the nice words about my dad's artwork, too. That meant a lot to me. It's first rate. Thank you, pal. Really, beyond that. Well, you send me yours, and we'll talk again. I will. Terrific. Thank you. Thanks a lot. Bridges are falling down People are running round

And one is upside down With her miniskirt on She got in with the mods And she really became top gear With her motorcycleiskirt on, she got in with the monster, she really became top gear. With her motorcycle and her sunglasses and her long, bright red hair. Well, it was Lucy with the big block five. It was Lucy with her miniskirt on. It was Lucy running with the monster.

It was Lucy running wild. Lucy's in London Bridges are falling down People are running round And London's upside down