Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - GGACP Classic: Tom Scharpling

Episode Date: February 9, 2023

GGACP celebrates the birthday (February 9th) of comedian, TV writer and host of the popular Internet show/podcast “The Best Show,” Tom Scharpling by revisiting this memorable interview from 2017. In this episode, Tom weighs in on a wide range of topics, including the comic genius of Martin Short (and Charles Grodin), the self-importance of Jerry Lewis, the body count of “Death Wish 3” and the forgotten history of “Saturday Night Live.” Also: Jimmie Walker breaks out, Harry Shearer holds out, Tom feuds with Chuck Woolery and Hitler puts a hit out on the Three Stooges. PLUS: Gilbert O’Sullivan! “The Day the Clown Cried”! Alex P. Keaton goes to Japan! Tom meets Lisa Simpson! And the creepiest song ever written! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Peloton has everything you need to help you get going. Get a head start on summer with Peloton and choose a flexible payment plan that works for you at onepeloton.ca slash financing. Once is never good enough for something so fantastic. Fantastic! So here's another Gilbert and Franks. Here's another Gilbert and Franks. Here's another Gilbert and Franks. Colossal Podcast. I'm here with my co-host, Frank Santopadre, and we're once again recording at Nutmeg with our engineer, Frank Furtarosa.

Our guest this week is a radio host, comedian, TV writer, producer, music video director, and a walking encyclopedia of pop culture. He is the creator and host of the wildly popular internet call-in comedy program and podcast, The Best Show with Tom Sharpling, which New York Magazine described as a freewheeling three-ring circus, and GQ called a tribunal for all that's false and undeserving in the world. And comedian Aziz Azari. Close. Yeah, I knew I'd fuck that one up. Aziz Ansari.

Aziz Ansari. Well, at least you said Ansari. Yes. People who like the best show don't just like it. They want to turn it into a woman and make love to it on the beach on some weird magical island. He's also been a writer, producer on TV shows such as Tim and Eric. Awesome show. Great job. Tom goes to the mayor, and the jack and triumph show

as well as uh today is his last day on divorce he's no longer working on divorce So if you see Tom Sharpling, don't go up to him and say, hey, congratulations on that divorce show. I heard it's doing better than ever. They're tripling everyone's salary on that

and giving everyone free tickets to Europe. And a yacht, for God's sakes. A yacht, okay. And he's a sought-after voice actor. Not that sought-after, as of today. If you're not working for the show Divorce, he's sought after.

He's a sought after divorce actor with appearances in shows like Adventure Time, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, and The Simpsons. Currently, he co-stars as Greg Universe in the Cartoon Network series Steven Universe. But he has nothing to do with the show Divorce. More than you want? Okay, fine. He also contributed to The Onion, written and directed online. To the Onion, written and directed online, comedy features for Funny or Die collaborated with performers such as Jon Hamm, Bill Hader, Paul Rudd, and yes, even Gilbert Gottfried, and directed music videos for everyone from Amy Mann to the new pornographers. He's also released six albums

with his longtime comedy partner, John Worcester, under the moniker Sharpling and Worcester. Please welcome to the show a big fan of this very podcast. God help him and a man who once waged a Twitter war with Love Connection

host Chuck Woolery. The man who is no longer on divorce. He will not be invited to Sarah Jessica Parker's birthday party. Or, oh, fuck, I forgot his name. Matthew Broderick.

No, no, no. Oh, Thomas Hayden Church. Oh, yeah, Thomas Hayden Church will not be having lunch with him any day soon. So the hungry, because he'll never be at any parties or having lunch with any of those two people, multi-talented Tom Sharpley. Oh, well, thank you so much with that. That heartfelt really fits the mood of where I'm at. Oh, thank you.

Now, my first question. What's it like working on the part? Well, from what I hear, no, I worked on the first season, and I'm not going to work on the second season. That's all it is. Could you please tell us why? It's just there's different people, and it's a change in guard. So I'm part of the old guard, and there's a new guard.

It happens. Yeah, it happens. It's the nature of the business. That's how it goes. But in your case, there's no guard. Yeah. Because you're not on the like a bodega or a convenience store and then there's like a hold up and i thwart it and then get shot like regarding henry and then that's how i go out it's like a hero that i could could shot in a 7-eleven and then it says hero podcaster that seven saves people at 7-Eleven. Or you could stop a holdup and then be shown what your life could have been

by Don Cheadle. Sure. All right. Hey, what's your feelings about Taylor Leone? Where did that come from? What the hell? I was studying it all. What the hell?

What's your feelings? That's why we invited you on this show. Or Sergio Leone, for that matter. Well, I guess Taya Leone, I don't know. She has some show now that I haven't seen where she's the madam secretary. Yeah, she was in that movie with Don Cheadle, The Married Man. Oh, the one with Nicolas Cage. Horrible, horrible.

It was like a Capra, warmed over Capra. Oh, God. Family Man, I think it was called. She plays these parts that get on my nerves to no end. Yeah, she was in a movie called Spanglish that she was pretty rough on. Whoever wrote that, I think it was James L. Brooks of all people.

It just felt like it was not like he was putting every negative thing in the movie came out of her mouth. He got criticized for it too for such an unflattering portrayal. Yeah, and that's a movie, that's an Adam Sandler movie and you end up, it that's a movie. That's an Adam Sandler movie, and you end up...

It's a pretty huge accomplishment to watch an Adam Sandler movie and you hate someone else. You know, I was at that autism benefit. Oh, well, Robert Schmeichel's. Sure. Night of Too Many Stars.

And I was backstage, and those are usually a fun event to be at, all these comics. And out of nowhere, I'm sitting in the makeup chair, and Adam Sandler comes by and says something like, Adam Sandler comes by and says something like, you know, if you had been my friend years ago, you could have been in all my movies. Something like that. And then he walks out. It was like, really? That's a weird thing to say to someone. Had you broken his heart or jilted him at some point?

I guess so. You have no memory of that. Yeah. Or maybe he just says it all day to everyone he meets. He's at McDonald's and he says, you know, if you were my friend back then, you could have been in all my movies. And they're like, what do you want to order, sir? I could have put you in Burger King. Now, here's a story I heard years ago leonie that you've heard too and that and i i pray this story is true because i'm a big stooges fan that hitler oh yeah wanted the three stooges

murdered yeah that was that was one of the things that was in the Cliff Nesteroff book. That's right. What was it? The Comedians. Our friend Cliff. I know they did the two films, Those Nazi Spies, and I'll Never Heil Again. And it's funny because I think the Three Stooges, they thought so little of them that they didn't bother them. Because I think back then you weren't allowed to make fun of Hitler in this country.

So Chaplin was on his kill list as well, assumedly. Yeah. And I think Yakov Shmirnov. Well, that's just, yeah, that's just, don't you think? Yeah. Well, I mean, Hitler. So he was ahead of the curve on hating Yakov Smirnoff. Credit where it's due.

Yeah. Credit where it's due. One thing to remember, though, in all seriousness, is that here in the United States, we watch television, but in Russia, television watches you. And please don't lose sight of that. That's very important. What a country. You feel that? Why the country? The other interesting thing that came out of that Cliff interview, we were just talking about it before we turned the mics off, was the Jerry Lewis talk show, which he's come here and talked about.

You sounded fascinated. It's like the – for a guy like Jerry Lewis, that's like the apex of his ego kind of – Now, this was the two-hour one? Yeah, the one in the early 60s yeah that supposedly had no preparation and it was a it was a show where they had redone this the theater to be the jerry lewis theater that's right and his face was everywhere you said it was on doorknobs it's on a tile yeah yeah and he bragged that he had this control panel that he could override the show's director and choose the shots that the that the in case the director was not as good a director as Jerry was, which is what he the stuff started breaking down right away like that panel didn't work and it just was

like on the first night the thing was falling apart and he was, so didn't he apologize for it at a point? Like take out an ad in Variety and just go like, probably. Well, I think Cliff tells a story that he just decided to wing the monologue

and then Charlie Callis was a strange choice as a sidekick, a guy who was funnier than he is. Was Charlie Callis in that one? Was Charlie Callis in the second one? He was in the talk show. You're right. Because I remember in the talk show, the most eerie moment for me was Jerry Lewis is there and Charlie Callis is sitting in the Ed McMahon chair. And Jerry Lewis mentioned some guy who died in the show business who no one in the audience knows who the hell he is.

And he goes, so I think we should take a moment of silence. And I'm sure like the, the sponsors are going, oh, great, we're paying for a moment of silence. And to make matters worse, he goes, a moment of silence where we sit. And then he reaches and takes out a cigarette case and goes, have a cigarette. And especially when you consider this guy, I bet my money, died of cancer.

So there was a variety show. The one you're talking about is a variety show. The two-hour one. The two-hour one was a variety show. Oh, there were three. And then there was the one he did for Fox in the 80s or the late 70s. Yeah, that was a talk show. Another talk show.

And the one with Callus was a talk show yeah and there was the there was a variety show but that was like a half hour or hour yeah but this was like the first of the yeah this was like the Saturday night show or something like and it just I think they it was such a huge bomb right off the bat I do yeah that's the stuff I can't get enough of just egos run wild like that and he's he just does nothing but provide that yes like um there's a youtube clip of of um jerry lewis on stanley siegel oh god like in the late 70s remember that show and it was him it was jerry lewis and al goldstein were on together and they were doing one of those like, these are the new high-tech devices and the new gadgets and things. And then Jerry was just like, it's like, and here's a, here's like a camera.

That's the thing. And Jerry's like, my of, uh, I have that already. And he's like, uh, but it's like, I actually have 13 of those in my house. It's just like he had to win every exchange. And this is when he's coming up on 50. And I guess he had just done Hardly Working would have been the last of the movies where he was an idiot in them. Yeah. Well, there was Hardly Working and what was the other one?

Smorgasbord? Smorgasbord. Yeah. Yeah, but Hardly Working. This is the 80s? Smorgasbord? Smorgasbord. Yeah. Yeah, but hardly working. I mean, this is the 80s and he's doing Yellowface. He's still doing it. He's still doing it. Still doing that.

He's sitting down in an office trying to get a job. But it's like you're an old guy now. Yes, it's sad. You watch that and you go, yeah, he's old and he's he doesn't have a job he can't support himself yeah it's tragic it's like the system is failing people like this can't we help guys like this coming up on scene he's almost a senior citizen and he's still trying to find his way through the workplace. And yet he's always been nice to you, Gil. Yes, yes.

When you've had dealings with him. What do you have at home, Jerry? I have six kids. No, but in terms of electronics, what do you have? What do you want? I've got it all. Well, you've got a lot of stuff. How many TV sets do you have, for example?

You probably have an Ant-Man, don't you? Yeah, no, I have the Sony projection system. I have a 33-room house. In the house, I would say there are 15 television sets. 15 television sets. Approximately. Would these fit into your lifestyle? Would that phone, for example, be a good idea for you?

I use the phone. I have that. You have that, and you have one in the car, or one in the portable laptop? I have one in the in a car i have one in a briefcase i have one of my galoshes this is beautiful i'd like to get that for my little boy i saw him i went to a benefit in las vegas in uh a few months ago, it was Chris Angel organized this benefit for sick kids. And my friend was just like, we have to go to this thing. Because the lineup was just insane. It was like every weird Las Vegas performer, like Terry Fader and all those guys. And it's just like an impressionist whose thing wasn't updated since Arnold Schwarzenegger.

And then the curtain goes up, and he was kind of in a chair already. And it was just such a sad thing that he just was there. And he seems like he's just really at the end, and he's kind of – but he still was doing that bragging thing he's like my new movie is uh max rose is the best reviewed film of my career and then we were in the theater and i looked on my phone at rotten tomatoes and i showed my friend jason and it was like at 32 percent like so it's like this movie's getting hammered it's the best reviewed movie of his career it's like come on it's like it was really kind of a bummer but he is like he's like the only connection to to old to those guys pretty much yeah yeah maybe rickles yeah yeah really yeah

like those two are the only ones who legitimately knew all of them the original guys yeah like especially jerry when you think of like with he would hang out with chaplain and all the stuff like that and he's like them all yeah so he's the he's the last one now then finally we're free of the past yeah when he goes what was the thing about the shoes you told us before we turn the lights on it's worth telling in uh the day the clown cried the movie that that he won't release right where he was the clown in the holocaust um supposedly he is still wearing like new shoes in it like really high-end shoes like he still couldn't he still couldn't not be jerry lewis and's like, well, I still need to have nice shoes on if I'm going to be in this thing. Yes, I'm a clown in a concentration camp, but these new shoes I have. Those are the guys that I just can't stop thinking about, that kind of hubris.

And is it true Jerry Lewis once said, I used to work on divorce, but now I don't. Why are you doing that with the Sarah Jessica and the boys? Oh. There's versatility. With the Thomas Hayden boy. Yeah. You get young Jerry and you get old bitter Jerry out of the same comic. And when Maury Short does it, he does the lozenge.

Oh, that's right. That's the lozenge. Oh, yeah. The cough and the, yeah. Yeah, I think that's a pretty good, that's the voice I hear in my head now. Oh, yeah. If there's anything. I'm hearing a variety of people saying that.

So, yeah. If anything, I'm hearing a variety of people saying that. So, yeah, it's just, and when I lay my head on my pillow tonight, it will just get, the voice will get louder and louder. And now we're going to drag the show to a screeching halt as we bring you some important messages. What happens when 20 extremely athletic Canadians who thrive on competition and won't settle for less than number one find themselves

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Try the new creamy parmesan and bacon quarter pounder today and discover how words are so unnecessary for a limited time only at participating McDonald's restaurants in Canada. And now, back to the show. Now, Tom, you're a fan of this show. Yes. Which flatters us. I'm a huge fan of this show

you are too kind yes anything stand out to you in particular um in 170 something episodes or am I putting you on the spot

oh I just like the Larry Storch one I thought was fantastic oh yeah that was one of our first that was great um we got to sing

the F Troop theme and with Larry the one that I always think of is Bob Zamuda. Oh, no. Oh, jeez. When he told the story about being at the Playboy Mansion and deceiving women that he was pretending to be Jim Carrey or whatever. Yeah, that's pretty much it and he's pretty much i mean i don't want to say he's doing i don't

want to throw out actual accusatory like actionable words but he was he was testing the lines of propriety i guess is what he did because if you pretend you're somebody you're not and then sleep with them that's that's like illegal? Isn't that in some way? And he's bragging about it. And it's like, this is like a confession. Like he should check the statute of limitations on this. He might hear this in court. Like he'll be sitting at a table in a courtroom and then somebody will press play and he hears

this, here's your podcast. You never know what people are going to say on this show and then it's also the thing of he and and uh andy kaufman who made their lives like bullshitting everybody yeah you gotta wonder each story he tells yeah it's always where he'll tell these stories and then you're just like well there's there's nobody here to contradict what you're saying. And then I went and then it was just, he tells this one story about a donut shop. Did you ever hear that one where he's like, he worked for Norman Wexler, the screenwriter. And in his book, he called him Mr. X.

And he was just like this guy who would be like, he went into the donut shop and they wouldn't sell him the one donut and then he bought everything in the donut shop except that one donut and he had everybody taking their tops off and he was throwing money at everyone it's like this is not true this is just science fiction, but nobody is around to say, like, Bob, you're making stories up now. And you know, I always wonder with these Andy Kaufman things as if, like, Andy Kaufman is just, like, somewhere, like, on the other side, like, banging on a thing. Like, no, he's not. That didn't happen either. That was my idea. He seems to inflate his role in everything to where it's like,

you got to call bullshit on his. Because you know Andy Kaufman was probably just like, man, how do I ditch this dude? Like, I got to get rid. And then like the phone call when Bob is he's gone, and he's just like, I guess I'm the keeper of the flame now forever. Because he does the thing of, like, is he still alive? Yeah, he pushes that pretty hard. Isn't that gross in a way?

Oh, yes. Is he fake as death? It's like he would be 78 now anyway if he faked his death. He would have died of natural causes already. Like Jerry and Smorgasbord. So you grew up in New Jersey, local boy. Sure. What did you watch?

We ask everybody that. I know you listen to comedy albums because I heard an interview with you. A lot of Channel 5, a lot of Channel 11. Yeah, local stuff. Yeah. Our stuff. Billion Dollar Movie. Sure.

I always remember like there was a thing called, like when I'd come home from school, there was a thing called TV Picks. Do you remember that? Where it was like Channel 11, Picks 11 had. Oh, okay. Where they would show video. It was like when video games like when like were first really blowing up in the 80s. It would be like when home video game systems. And there would be a thing home video game systems and there would

be a thing where kids could play during the commercial like it would be like they'd come back from commercial be like okay you're we have you know billy on and he's gonna play the game now and it's like the spaceship is shooting and the kid would go picks when it's time to fire the thing or remember that right oh my god i haven't thought of that yeah 30 years and there'd be like a football one where you'd have to say picks for the quarterback to throw. It's like there's no way to time this thing. You know, like, because there's a delay and everything. There's just no way.

But then when it would be the one shoot game, the kids would just scream like, pick, pick, pick, pick, pick, pick, pick, pick, pick. And then they'd win. It's just like. Pick. Pick. Pick. And then they'd win. It's just like. You remember that, Gil? Oh, yeah. This would be the 80s.

Yeah, yeah. That was the 80s. I remember watching TV back then. They always had the Bowery Boys on. Oh, yeah. Especially when like a Yankee game would get rained out or something. It would be like, oh, here's the Bowery Boys are on. Like, that's how I found out about all that stuff is just like, it's raining.

Here's, there's Hunt's Hall now. There he is. Yeah. And do you watch Antenna TV? Oh, yeah. Well, it's called, yeah, there's Get TV now. There is. Yeah. And do you watch Antenna TV? Oh, yeah. Well, it's called, yeah, there's Get TV now, there's Antenna, and of course there's MeTV. Yeah, there's all these channels just running

non-stop. I know. Everything. Old programming. Everything. Yeah. You could just find, you know, like Long Street, The Blind Detective, and sitcoms that haven't been seen in 40 years. Yeah, and like treasure trove yeah really it's like antenna just shows like like good they'll show like good all night it'll just be good times running all night and it's like i hadn't seen those in so long

and we had john amos here yeah a couple of months ago yeah he's just the so great but it's like that show it's like one minute it's the most bleak serious like it's like a play oh yeah and then the next second like like 15 seconds later jimmy walker's wearing like a leotard and like dancing around the apartment it's like the tonal shift on the show was so nuts to be just like it's're going to get evicted. We don't have to, like, you got fired, James. What are we going to do? You have no money.

And then this next thing, he's like, dynamite. Well, that was the pull and tug. That was that Estero and John Amos were trying to take the show more in that direction. And they resented Jimmy. Oh, yeah. They hated him. And they resented Jimmy doing the chicken hat. They hated him. That must just be the weirdest moment when someone breaks out on a show that's not supposed to break out,

like Michael J. Fox on Family Ties. I mean, that was supposed to be a show about this couple, and then suddenly everybody wants Michael J. Fox. The mother on this show. Meredith Baxter Burney. Yes. She grew to hate Michael J. Fox. Where do you get this information? And you still like him to shit on a glass coffee?

Oh, stop that now. I think you're mixing your celebrity stuff. She got your mixed urban myths there. Getting a little blurry. One of your influences, this is an interesting bit of confluence, one of your influences was SNL in the day. Do you remember Gilbert's season? Yeah.

Oh, geez. Let me see who I can name from that season. Okay, let's see. This will impress us. Gail Mathias. Yes. Wow. Yeah.

She got a hard one right off the bat. Benny Dillon. Yeah. Tony Rosato, who just passed away. No, no, no. He came later on. He came later. Well, Charles Rocket.

Yes. Yep. Well, Joe Piscopo. Yes. Eddie Murphy. Yes. You're doing well. Let's see.

Was Gary Kroger there yet? No. He came later. He was later. Man, now I'm blanking. I'm trying to picture. George Coe was not a part of your run. George Coe was on the original in 75.

George Coe was the four. I think he had a four-episode run. Yes. He would be for the radio parody. I mean, the commercial parody. Yeah, yeah. The one you didn't get is the one nobody gets. Well, Robin Duke.

No, she came later. She came later, okay. She came with Ebersole. All right. After Gene Domanian was deposed. Sure. But the one nobody gets is Ann Risley. Sure.

Yeah, that's a good one. And Denny Dillon. He said that. Did you say Denny? Yeah. So it was just the four guys? It was you, Piscopo, Charlie Rocket, and Eddie came not at the very beginning. Eddie, when he was originally hired, was a featured player.

Who the hell are we forgetting? Later on in the season, they did make him a regular cast member. Right. And the women were Denny, Gail, Matthias, and Ann Risley. Yes. And that was it. Yeah. Right.

And Harry Shearer doesn't talk to you anymore because of what you came out and said. Because we're doing a thing where we all introduce ourselves and my you know and it's like i don't know charlie rocket comes out and says i'm charlie rocket i'm kind of a cross between uh bill murray and chevy chase or something like that and mine was um hi i'm'm Gilbert Gottfried. I'm a cross between John Belushi and that guy who used to do the imitations who nobody remembers. Not even your fault. It was a scripted line. And Paul Schaefer is the way I found this. Paul Schaefer said to me, you know, Harry Shearer hates you.

Because you read a line that was written for you. Yes. And then we told Michael McKean that, and he said that you're in a lot of company. Oh, yeah. There's a lot of people Harry dislikes. We should put that to the test. We should just have the balls to call him up and see if he wants to do the show. Oh, yes.

See if he's holding the grudge. Yes. But meanwhile, didn't he make a shitload because he held out on the Simpsons? Of course. Well, I mean, it's been going for 20 years now. He would have made it anyway. Yeah, but he held out for more money. I guess a couple of years ago there was some situation where he wasn't doing it.

And, yeah, I guess he did hold out. I don't know. One thing I know is I don't – any of these hold out, get paid more money, that would be like – for me it would be more – I have more of a chance of like telling you what it would be like to land on Mars and walk on the thing to just be like, look. And then I held out and they came crawling back. They were like, what if we double your money? It's like, no, I've never been in a situation like that.

I'm kind of like, can I at least gather my stuff up? Does anybody have a box I can have? But you and John, your partner, you did a Simpsons. You guys played scientists. They wrote a part for us. That's flattering. It was great.

Yeah, it was super flattering. And it was really, it was strange how they kind of, we went out there and did it. And they really, they just have their thing as like such a machine. And there's a certain kind of rhythm and everything to it. So kind of getting into that was a little strange. Or not strange, but it was just different. But they, then like every cartoon, it's like they make it sound better than it sounded when you say it. Because they chop it up and they fix the timing on things.

So yeah, it was great. And I couldn't believe, that was like a thing that you can't even be like boy i wish i could do a voice on the simpsons it's like when is that ever going to happen but they like the radio show so they did it they wrote something for us so it was very flattering we had mike reese on the show here and gilbert gave him shit for never putting him on the simpsons yeah but it's only been on for like 35 years. Gil, they're getting to you. Oh, look. We're going backwards to the cheese. Yeah. It's still in just triple digits in terms of the amount of episodes.

Yes. So look, let them hit the 1,000 episode mark. Then it's just going to be wide open for guys like you to just, then they're going to get to the list that they've been holding back for the, past the 1,000 episode mark. you do a lot of cartoon voiceovers you do you do you're now on the show steven universe yeah yeah i do the the dad on that which is nice and i do it here you do it here at nutmeg we'll throw in a plug for frankie vertarosa yeah and nutmeg you guys both do a lot of cartoon voiceovers oh yeah g yeah. Gilbert's on, what are you on, Cyber Squad? Cyber Chase.

Cyber Chase. And they've called me in as the villain a couple of times on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Oh, were you Krang? Oh, yes, yes. Wait, don't leave. Waxing is free. Oh. What's up, Snooball? Just helping Sour Cream take his gear to the warehouse.

Oh, like a roadie, huh? Yeah. What about you? Oh, same old, same old. Not too busy. Don't worry. I'm sure it'll pick up soon. Thanks, kiddo. Whoa. Look at the size of that thing. Steven, don't tell him about the free wax.

Now, what do you remember of my season of Saturday Night Live? I remember there was diverticulitis. Wasn't that a thing? Like a punchline? No, was joe piscopo right i remember you had a thing where it was you it was a couple oh yeah with denny dillon the waxman

that's right i remember that yeah i think that might be what i remember i remember denny on a map in the leather weather report oh my god they put her in a leather harness and strapped her to a weather map. You remember that? Yeah. How many did you do again, 11? I think, yeah, 11. I think the last one was supposed to have that guy from Monty Python. Oh, Graham Chapman.

Yes. Yeah. But it got taken off before. And it is a horrible season. And, of course, we have with us tonight Dr. Calvin Zuko, who caused quite a controversy with his theory of the myth of the female orgasm. Dr. Zuko. That's right, Charlie.

There's no such a thing as a female orgasm. Women don't have orgasms. This will all be in my new book entitled Foreplay or Just Plain Stalling. The female orgasm does not exist. Let's face it. I've been with a lot of women and not one of them has had an orgasm.

Doesn't that tell you something? What were the after show? What did it feel like after an episode of it? Usually pretty depressing. Yeah. Because now they do it and everybody goes to a restaurant and it's a huge party and everybody's laughing and having a great time. This is my favorite part of when I was on it.

We would go to a restaurant and, of course, everyone, whatever you ordered, you were given a check. You were given a bill for it. Sure. Yeah. That's a bad season. And I thought, how is this a party? Yes. You know those parties when you go and sit down at a table and then you pay for what you ordered?

Yes. Those parties you're at? Yeah. It's like – I was at one of those parties earlier at Pret-a-Manger. I was at a party earlier and I ordered a thing and a bottle of water and then I was having a real party and I paid $11. ordered a thing and a bottle of water and then I was having a real party and I paid $11. It's like going to a party at someone's house and going, okay, well you had two cupcakes

and a Diet Coke. But what were you guys always talking about? Did it feel like this thing was going to end any minute or was it well i what was so it was like i i always say it's like um back then to do uh saturday night live without the original cast was like if in the middle of beetle mania yeah you said john paul george and ringo are leaving we've got four other schmucks, and we want you to cheer. We got Beatlemania. Yes, yes, exactly. And so they were already panning the show before we even got on the air.

Yeah, you guys were cannon fodder. Oh, it was horrible. For a larger thing. And so, yeah, so you're doing that. But in the midst of that, did the Eddie Murphy thing feel different than everything? Did it feel like there was this, like, kid who's on fire? I think he did one thing where he introduces himself on the news segment that got big laughs. And at that point, everyone said, oh, okay.

Yeah. But did you see it? I don't know. I liked him. I thought he was funny. But I can never say. I would, like, love to take credit for it. Yeah.

Well, I mean, the one thing I will say is that if you had just been friendly with him, you would have been in all of his movies. That's a pro. Yeah. A pro does a callback. Yeah. Well, he turned up in one. Yeah, Beverly Hills Cop 2. But had I been friends with him, Eddie Murphy would have made Grown Ups.

Which was a piece of shit, by the way. Did you see that? I've seen parts of it on things. This may be the angriest show we've ever done. Thank God they did Grown Ups 2 for all the questions they didn't get to answer in the first one. The questions they didn't get to answer in the first one. You weren't sure if Kevin James was going to crap his pants at the cookout. Speaking of SNL, there is a video of the opening scene of the first show with all you guys in the dressing room with Bill Murray, which is kind of fun.

And he tousles your hair at one point. Oh, my God. Yes. It's very surreal. Wasn't there a thing where you guys were in bed? Wasn't there a giant? Yes, yes. That might have been the one where we all introduce ourselves. Okay.

I don't know. Yeah. I'm trying to remember. I get them all mixed up. So they're not really available anywhere. Thank God. I don't know. Yeah. I'm trying to remember. I get them all mixed up. So they're not really available anywhere. Thank God. Somebody must have them. Oh, I'm sure.

Yeah. But they were putrid. And was Jean Domanian, could you feel her, like, did it just feel like she was the wrong fit for this thing the whole time? Well, I will say that at the SNL 40th party, she got angry at me. Uh-oh. You didn't tell me this.

Yeah. You told me Lorne paid you a compliment. Yeah, that was amazing. Lorne Michaels paid me a compliment. That's nice. Yeah, but she was angry at me. Well, because one time I went on one of these Saturday Night Live remembering shows, and I just was trying to be funny,

and I said that G.Demanian is the type of woman who watches a Marx Brothers movie and goes, well, Margaret Dumont's funny, but who are those other three? And I think she didn't see the humor to this. Oh, she took that the wrong way. That, yeah. So she sought you out at this party to tell you. Even worse, I said hello to her, and she walked away angry and dejected. Yeah.

It seems very healthy, carrying that anger. See, that's very healthy. Carrying that anger. See, that's what was wrong with the whole thing. If only you hadn't said it's just like, it just didn't. Can we just all move forward from that? Oh, yes. Tell Tom the story, and you've told it on the show, but it's worth telling, and maybe Tom

hasn't heard of how you knew the writing was on the wall. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh my God! They fired Gene Domingue. Sure. And then Dick Ebersole was

coming in. Seems like a very funny guy. You remember what Franken said about him. Yeah. What did he say? He said, I've known Dick long enough to know that he doesn't know Dick. And Ebersole takes us all together and says, oh, look, you know, I've been called in late. I'm not going to make any major changes. We're going to take a week off and then I'll tell you. off and then I'll tell you. And so we're waiting outside the office and going in one by one to find out our fate. And while I'm waiting, there was a little table there where they used to throw the

fan letters. So I saw one address to me from some girl in Wyoming or something. And I open it up and it says, Dear Gilbert, I'm so sorry about what happened to you. He hasn't even gone into the room yet. I love that. Then I had to come in and act surprised when I was fired. That's like... That is hurtful. Oh, my God. That's the. That is hurtful. Oh, my God.

That's the craziest thing ever. So you have no curiosity to go back and look at any of those. No. Not even like just out of like. God. No, not at all. It's that painful. Yeah, I cringe at the thought of it.

There must because there are snippets on YouTube and there must be scattered around. I mean, they were never put out. Yeah. On VHS. Marty's short season were never put out on VHS. Marty's short season was never put out either. The 85? It was on VHS. Yeah, the one where Ebersole did the all-star cast with Harry Shearer and Billy Crystal.

And the short stuff is great in that season. And the way people talk about that, that behind the scenes, like that was just, there were two camps in the building. 84, I think it was. It was, okay, 84. Like, there was just there, these guys just stuck to themselves and they wouldn't, like, so there's this cast inherited of people just still working on this thing. And then, like, these ringers come in and they just wouldn't, they would just once in a while deem to let one of the other people be in one of their sketches. Right. That there was definitely a hierarchy for those guys.

Well, they were brought in as like Murderer's Row. Yeah. They were supposed to be. There's a sketch. There's a game show sketch with Short doing Jackie Rogers Jr., the albino. That is brilliant. And they used Mary Gross and they used Jim Belushi as Captain Kangaroo. And it's the one where Crystal does Sammy. That's right.

Yeah. It's really, really funny. When he would be in full blackface on television. I was just going to say that. Now that would not be allowed. It would kill Billy Crystal's career if he came out in blackface. Yeah, he would. He still might do it, though.

He might think he could get away with it. I think his ego, he's got that Jerry Lewis thing. He would think he could make a case for it. And that's another guy I'm fascinated with, Billy Crystal, where he had the show a year or so ago was it called the comedians and it was him and josh gad and it was supposed to be one of those kind of like curb your enthusiasm like look behind the curtain and just show what it was like when billy crystal playing himself doing a variety show with josh gad and he was always like

so it's like i can't work with this kid, this comedian. He's like this. He's like the young guy. He doesn't get it. It's like, well, first of all, Josh Gad is not. It's not like he's some maniac who is like he's like as conventional a guy as possible. But every episode of the show would have someone come up to Billy Crystal and be like, oh, my God, it's Billy Crystal. You're my favorite performer. Like, oh oh my God, it's Billy Crystal. You're my favorite performer.

Oh my God, you're the greatest. And there's supposed to be this warts and all performance, but he made sure every episode had somebody just like, oh my God, I watched your movies my whole life. You're my favorite comedian. You're second only to Christ. comedian you're second only to christ he just like guys like that they just can't not celebrate themselves and make sure that something he's just like because he's like look maybe i'll do a thing where i steal some stuff from craft services and show i'm not a perfect guy it's like he kind of

can't really rib himself too much he's like like, man, they caught me putting a bottle of a case of water in my trunk in the thing because it shows I'm normal just like everybody else, but then he makes sure this is his worshipfulness running through the whole thing. What are you doing here, Billy Crystal? That's not you.

It is interesting that you can't do any kind of blackface now, and it wasn't that long ago. It was the 80s. He did a special, too, where I remember him as Sammy and Brother Theodore. The two of them did Who's On First. It's actually very funny, very surreal. But it's not that long ago.

No, I mean, Daryl Hammond did Jesse Jackson on SNL. That was, and so I guess, was that the last thing? I think Fred Armisen might have. He played Patterson. He played the blind governor. Yeah, I don't think, but he also did Obama. I don't know if he did anything for that. He might have just performed that, but I mean, Darryl Hammond was in Blackface as Jesse Jackson.

That's true. So, yeah, if only we could figure out what would get billy crystal he i heard a thing that he when he was doing that 700 sundays that show that like he would sell these baseballs in the lot like like like at the merch table at the thing and that they was just buying these like used batting practice balls from the yankees like they were just all dented up he's just buying them by the box load and then just signing them and then selling gilbert's kicking himself for not thinking of that after his shows yeah yeah you know yeah who wouldn't want a baseball autographed by anybody who doesn't play baseball?

Let's talk a little bit about The Best Show. Sure. And how everything came about. You had an interesting history. I mean, you were a music guy. You worked in a sheet music store. You had your own record label. Yeah, well, record labels being very generous.

I put some 45s out. All right. Friends, yeah. We'll be generous here. Yeah. And you segued – I've heard you say that comedy in the best show is a hilarious show. You had no real designs on doing comedy. You were just kind of spinning records.

I'm not interested in being in front of people. Like performing is not something that's ever appealed to me where I just never felt the call to be in front of people. I like writing. I like directing. I like doing things, but it's more behind the scenes stuff has always felt more what I'm comfortable doing. But I just like, I just can't do the thing where we're just doing. I could not imagine doing standup. where we're just doing, I could not imagine doing standup.

I mean, what is, like, did you guys know when you started doing stuff that that was, did you feel it like this is where I'm supposed to be? Well, I never did standup. I'm a writer. He started at 15. You never did any? No, I started, I wrote for a lot of standups. But I never. For some reason I thought you had done a little bit in the, a long time ago.

Never did. No. Sketches when I thought you had done a little bit in the, a long time ago. Never did. No. Sketches when I was in my 20s. But never, no, never had the, you know, the desire to do stand-up either. It's a certain, takes a certain creature. Yeah. So at 15, when you did it, were you just like, this is where I'm home up here? You know how people feel like, this is where I belong.

What I always, my answer is always the same. I always feel like I got into show business because I was too stupid to do anything else. And I was so stupid that I thought I didn't realize the odds against making it. Yeah. And I was dumb enough to think, oh, yeah, yeah, I'll just make it. And people pay money to come see me. You never had a backup plan. No, no.

Right. Yeah. And now when people say to me, oh, you know, I'm starting to do comedy, I think, oh, my God, why? Yeah. Well, first of all, everybody does comedy. There's so much comedy now. Oh, my God, yeah. well first of all everybody does come there's so much comedy now oh my god yeah like i don't even

know how you could differentiate yourself from everybody else starting out it looks just like anybody who wants to make a movie nowadays like three-year-olds go on the internet and they make a movie yeah well i don't know about three yeah three and a half okay three and a half but yeah it's but it is there's just so much stuff now you raise an interesting point there weren't when he started and even when i first saw you in the 80s there weren't a lot of comics doing surreal stand-up your kind of thing yeah you know it was not opening your eyes and shaking the mic and all of the and all the the gimmicks and the affectation and all of that stuff. Everybody even then was pretty much doing traditional stand-up.

Yeah. Now it's – you're right. You make an interesting case. That it's just like everybody – there's a crowd for every style now. It might not be enormous, but everybody can find some sort of group that they're talking for or yeah you were different you were very different then yeah i would it's so weird too that i i think about it and i think like if you say to me think of two stars i'll go okay well tom cruise and julia roberts but those are like i don't think they're the biggest stars around there's these people on the internet who squeeze their black

heads or something and they'll get like an uncontrollable mob to come see them yeah well i could but you always look in those people. It's just like there's always been people who kind of... It's like they're like the Raymond J. Johnston of the... Oh, you mean

Billy Saluga? Well, you can call me Ray and you can call me Jay but you don't have to call me Johnston. A man of mindset looked him up in the phone book and sent me his number today and said, you don't have to call me Johnson. A man of mindset. Looked him up in the phone book and sent me his number today and said,

you got to have Billy Suluca on the show. Because for anybody who says, like, there's all these talentless people these days, it's like there's always been talentless people. I think they just come into your house now on your computer. Like they have more – there's less of a wall between you and them. I think they just come into your house now on your computer. There's less of a wall between you and them. They come to you now. But you were spinning records originally. I mean, your music is your background.

I was doing a music show on WFMU, which is a station in New Jersey that's a listener-sponsored station. I was doing a music show, and then comedy kind of started creeping into it. And then there was just a point where it's like let's just do a comedy show it's just that's what i'm interested in doing and this is the right fit because i just grew up radio is another just growing up listening to radio i was telling gilbert that you were a fan not of his politics but of his broadcasting style was bob grant. Yeah. Did you ever listen to Bob Grant? Oh, yes. Sure, sure. Growing up here. When he would just – he was – I mean, he was just such a – I thought he was such like a repellent human.

But he knew how to be captivating on the radio, and he would be so funny when somebody – he'd be like, he'd be like, hey, Bob, bob what's going on how are you bobby and it got him so mad when anybody just said how are you was enough he'd be like what's on your mind bill he was always mad like because it's just they're burning up five seconds of the show asking how are you and then once if somebody was droning on you'd hear him just pour a pitcher of water in the background like filling up a glass like he just knew how to do that i thought he was so funny and then he once in a while he would do this thing

the gag hour where it was called gag the gag was get at grant and people could call and say anything to him and just insult him for a full hour and he would just take it and it's like that was really funny stuff and it's just like that was a influence on me in just in terms of being just i guess being on and having a persona on the radio and so but yeah he he was it was something else you abuse a caller or two every now and then it's fun yeah oh me oh yeah no i it's like a so unfair people call and say something and then i just start talking about something else when they they've been waiting a week they've been waiting a week to say the thing they're going to say they're on hold for an hour and a half and they're trying to say the thing to be on topic and then i

just start moaning about some other thing and then then they're just like, well, what is he talking about? I got to drop what I was ready to say. It's not fair. But I don't know. There's a surreal aspect to it, too. I mean, there was a team that called and was depressed. And you started playing. I mentioned this to you on the phone. You started playing the entire Bridge Over Troubled Water album, singing it.

Because he seemed sad. Yeah. And you listen to bridge over troubled water when you're sad he sings the entire record what every song el condor pasa and cecilia keep the customer satisfied it's also a thing seeing how long you keep the kid on the line to just be like i don't know what this guy's talking about. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast. But first, a word from our sponsor.

Take control of your phone plan with Chatter Mobile. Score big with nationwide prepaid plans from only $15 a month on Canada's number one prepaid mobile provider, Chatter Mobile. Visit ChatterMobile.com for details. Now, please tell me that you're you're lying about this you're a big fan of the movie clifford oh yeah i'm a huge fan i love that movie is there a conflict that uh yeah it's the martin short

and charles grogan we love charles grogan yeah trying to get him but when the two of them are in that movie that's the whole thing it's when you watch this movie it's almost like one of those jerry lewis movies we were talking about where it's like martin short's probably 40 at this point and he's playing a 10 year old and he's playing a 10-year-old and he's in short pants and just but he knows it that's the thing unlike jerry lewis who's showing up oblivious and things he's pulling it off that he's like like people think i'm still the bellboy in this thing it's like martin short knows how nuts it is that he's playing a 10-year-old against adults and they're kind of the thing where they have trenches dug in the thing so that he's little when he's dancing next to the adult like you know you just don't see shot from the knees down anything because he's clearly on a lower level so he's

looks small yeah and when him martin short and charles groden together in that movie i think is some of the like i think they're so funny together because they're doing that kind of slow burn. Martin Short gets Charles Grodin to do that. Him irritated is the funniest thing ever when Charles Grodin is just fed up with something. And did you acquire something from the movie? Yeah, I bought one of his outfits from the movie. I admire that. Yeah, so I have the dinner jacket that Clifford wore to the big dinner party.

You remember the dinner party scene, Gilroy? Oh, that was so good. Have you actually seen Clifford? Yes. I remember when the movie came out, Martin Short was at a press conference and the reporters were going, well, why were you pretending you're a kid? Why didn't they just get a child actor? And Martin Short, very snooty, goes, well, you know, to people who ask that question i say go see problem child well thank you

so this is like the east coast west coast rap yeah yeah it's like problem child and clifford i didn't realize it stepped on the toes that was another another great one. Alexander and Karaszewski's. That was such a great one. Oh, yeah. We love those guys. It's shaky audio because we were in a hotel room. But other than that. When they said that for the second Problem Child movie that they wanted to shoot it on 16 millimeter.

That's the funniest thing I've ever heard. It's like that's not even a movie. How can they put that in a theater? There's so much here. Let's talk a little bit about music. And you've done shows. One of my favorites that I listened to was the worst songs of all time. And you took calls.

And a lot of people brought up Starships, We Built This City. Sure, yeah. Lyrics by Bernie Taupin. Oh, that's an annoying song. Yeah, it's a really bad one. Did you finally, and we were talking on the phone, and you said you didn't remember what the winner was. I can't remember what the winner was of that. Was it Porcupine Pie?

It might have been. By Neil Diamond? By Neil Diamond, Porcupine Pie, this song that just sounds like he's just trying. It sounds like the kind of thing they would play like when they're trying to get people at Waco or whatever to surrender, and they blast music at the compound. It's like that's the song that they would play. If they would play Porcupine Pie within like a half hour, everybody would come out with their hands up and just surrender.

I don't remember. I know there was the creepiest song oh yeah yeah talk about that which you do great lists which i think ended up being um was uh young girl by uh by uh uh gary puckett now do we have that do we have young girl by gary puckett frank if you look at the lyrics to Young Girl, it's skin crawling. Young girl, get out of my mind. My, my love for you is way out of line. Better run, girl.

You're much too young, girl. He's about two measures behind. With all the charms of a woman, you've kept the secret of your youth. That's creepy. You led me to believe you're old enough to give me love. I let Tom do it. He knows the words. And now it hurts to know the truth.

All beneath your perfume and makeup, you're just a baby in disguise. And though you know it is wrong to be alone with me. This is a solo. This is the best. The best thing I ever heard. Please. I can't compete with that. I can't compete with that. Oh, that was the funniest thing.

You know what? Let's shut the music off and just read this. Let's just read. Yes. That's the way to do it. Wonderful. Oh my god. You were about four minutes behind. Let's shut the music off and just read this. Let's just read. Yes, that's the way to do it. Wonderfully crazy. Oh, my God. You were about four minutes behind. He says, all right, go ahead, Tom.

Young girl, get out of my mind. Okay, already he's thinking about young girls. My love for you is way out of line, so he knows he's guilty. Yes. You're much too young. You're much too young. Better run, girl better run girl oh yeah don't forget he's telling her to run you're much too young girl you've kept the secret of your youth yeah and then he's now blaming her because she you led me to believe you're old enough to give me love. Oh, here.

You're just a baby in disguise. Yeah, beneath your perfume and your makeup, you're just a baby in disguise. That's the creepiest thing imaginable. That come on look is in your eyes. It's horrifying. So hurry home to your mama. Derek, cancel Gary Puckett. And Billy Crystal.

And Harry Shearer. Yeah. The list of cancellations grows. That would be. Well, you know, we had Dana Gould here, and he turned us on to the Dean Martin thing that you guys were talking about, where he's singing to the girl on the monkey bars or on the swings. Oh, no, I think I was the one that mentioned that one. What was the name of that thing? That was, yeah, yeah.

I looked that one up. Mm-hmm. There is Dean Martin, and like on the set of his show. Well, maybe you can find this one. Research it for us. It's made to look like a children's playground with swings and slides. And Dean Martin's there with a bunch of real little girls. And Dean Martin's there in his tux and cigarette and little girls around in the playground going,

I miss, but I've never done it with a real life girl. Oh, that's it. It's called Real Life Girl. Yeah. But he's in a playground. Yes. Yes. Yeah. So it's like he had a stroke and then woke up and he's doing that in a playground. No, he woke up and realized he's a pedophile.

I don't even need to see anything more than that still. He's just holding a child. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Just holding a child. Yeah. I'm simply drowned in the sight and the sound. Oh, yeah. And it just looks like he's a pedophile. Yeah. And he's around these little girls.

It's so, so creepy. There's also Claire. Remember Claire? Oh, Claire. Like Gilbert O'Sullivan. The man and I with you, I swear. But it's implied. A baby. Well, it's implied that he's her uncle or a babysitter.

It's a little strange. Oh. Yeah, and then she giggles at the end. She's clearly a toddler. Yes, yes. It's a little disturbing. Maybe his heart was in the right place. Yeah.

Was that Gilbert O'Sullivan? Yep, Gilbert O'Sullivan. Yeah. And then he also had... Alone Again Naturally. Oh, yeah. And you give me the creeps when you hop up on your feet, so get down, get down, get down. Very good.

You're a bad dog, baby, but I still want you around. Once upon a time, we drank a little wine. Things he remembers, Tom. Was as happy as can be. No stopping him. Happy as can be. Now I'm just like a cat on a hot tin roof. Baby, what do you think you're doing to me?

I have the single. So it's like a cry for help with that guy. Every song is like... He was singing to a dog. That's a dog. That's a song to a dog. Which is a whole other subgenre. Kind of like the son of Sam. It's Gilbert O'Sullivan

and David Berkowitz. What if they were singing... What if it was the same dog that they were dealing with? Oh my God. All right, I'm going to read these real quick because I love your lists. I love that you did the creepiest songs.

I love you. Now Gilbert would get a kick out of this. But Death Wish 3. Yeah. Because it's like, I'm fascinated by Death Wish 3 where the first one comes out in the 70s and it's like, I think it's like I'm fascinated by Death Wish 3 where the first one comes out in the 70s. And it's like I think it's like five people.

He shoots like four or five people in it. Then the second one, he goes to L.A. and shoots like seven people. Yeah. And then the third movie, he shoots 200 people. Oh, yeah. It's like a gang has taken over the neighborhood and he's blasting away yeah he's like rambo in the set like i think rambo came out between the movies so i think everybody needed this body count now so suddenly bronson's rolling through new york just mowing people down oh yes

just running with his down the street just shooting just It's like that would be the biggest story in American history that 200 people were shot in a giant gang riot. Well, we had Stuart Margolin. It was in the first one. Yeah? Yeah, we had him here. I know you're a Rockford Files guy. In those later Death Wish movies, at least there, there was still a gang, a street gang.

But then it was like fighting the mob and everything. It's like, no, no, that's not what Death Wish is. No. And a lot of those also, like Bronson's kind of like sitting in a chair. Oh, yes. Kind of just like telling guys to go. I think the fifth one, I think he kind of had helpers. Yeah.

And he was like the commander of like his squad. And Bronson had it in his contract like that he doesn't work past a certain hour. Yeah. So they would have to, I think they do a lot of scenes where, okay, just pick up your gun and shoot. Okay, now pick up your gun again and shoot. Yeah. Now turn your head and shoot

the gun and they'd attach it to someone falling down. So it's like Fred McMurray in My Three Sons where they would like shoot him out at the staircase for the season. They'd be just like all that like or whatever like a run of episodes all his stare all his scenes at the base of the staircase they would just shoot like five episodes worth of him at the staircase just saying whatever he's

saying upstairs to the kids or or they'd have him in an easy chair in the living room and was he in that bad of shape that they had to just i I just think he didn't want to be there. Oh, he didn't want to be there. Yeah. Oh, I thought he was already a movie star. Right. And this was a drop down. So he said, I'll do it. But I wanted all my stuff done in a day.

And that was the interesting thing about Bronson too. Was it Stewart that told us this, that he had to wear his sister's hand-me-downs when he was a kid? Yes. That he had to wear girls' clothes. He sometimes had to wear his sister's dress because he had no money. The stuff you learn on this show. Yeah. The weird thing is that Stuart Margolin knew that.

That's very disturbing. What was Charles Bronson telling him? Charles Bronson. Charles Buchinski. Charles Bronson used to be roommates with Jack Klugman. That's correct. Yeah. And of course House of Wax. You know House of Wax? Oh yeah. He's under his old name. Oh and he's in

a Tracy Hepburn movie. Is he? Yeah. He plays some gangster, you you know a henchman there's a great commercial he did for like this cold like this cologne in japan i saw that oh yes i saw that yeah so weird it's the weirdest thing was like man something man great or something like that where he's like pouring this he's shirtless yeah he's dancing around this this apartment he's splashing this cologne all over him firing a gun behind his back did you see the one the japanese commercial with michael j fox no is that what what happens oh my No. What happens then? Oh, my God. He is like, he's like clipping hedges in a yard. And then like some big Japanese, he's making weird sculptures of the hedges. And some big fat Japanese woman sees him and gets angry. And then he makes this weird face rolling his eyes around and holding his clippers in the air and jumping up and down.

And then is that the one that Meredith Baxter Barney was so mad about? Yeah. Where she gets shit on by Michael. They put in a very intricate Japanese glass coffee table. Really? Well, it's actually a glass tea table because it's Japan. What were they advertising? What was it for?

Was it for the tables? I think it was for Windex. Windex. All right. You know, we're going to get to these lists the next time we have you back, Tom. Oh, my gosh. Because there's too much on here. Oh, God. We do this so much.

What do you want to plug? What's coming up? Well, I do the... That's just like a wide open thing for... Make sure to mention divorce. I wish we had video sometimes.

I wish people could see your face. Well, you know, I have a fair amount of free time now. You guys, anybody who wants to hang out, you can see a movie or whatever. Well, you're doing Steven Universe. Yeah, I'm around for that. I'm around for pretty much, I don't know if you guys here at Nutmeg need the hallway sweep or whatever. No, I do the radio show, The Best Show, every Tuesday night. So that people can check out over at thebestshow.net.

And we do it live on Tuesday nights. It goes up as a podcast the next day. It's hilarious. And you're not going to be playing cards with Thomas Hayden Church. Well, Gilbert, you never know where life takes you. That's true. We'll get to these lists next time because they're pretty special. I might turn around and I

might just say to him, go fish. Like six months from now, I'll be just saying to him, I have two sevens. And he'll say, I don't even know how you play go fish. I'm making up how you play. Before we jump, and maybe we'll go out with a song, do you even remember working with this man? Because you worked with him.

Oh, yeah. Yes. It's worth mentioning. He says to me on the phone, he says, you know, Gilbert came in and did some stuff for us, but he won't remember. I guarantee it was an Adult Swim video we were doing where you and I walked down the street eating ice cream. I remember that now.

There you go. I remember that now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember that now. It was a fun day, and you came, and you did it, and you were great, and we were so appreciative that you did it. Yeah, that was for an adult swim, like an infomercial that they were doing. Did anyone ever see it? Well, they ran it at 4 in the morning, which was why they – that was the point.

Oh, you're up at that hour? I don't think we told you that when we were trying to get you to do it. They might have left that out of the information of what you were signing on for. Yeah, it's online. People saw it. It was a lot of fun, and you were so great to do it. So thank you. There's so much we didn't get to, and we didn't talk about Kiss or Chris Elliott

or the Beach Boys or all this other stuff and we'll get to it next time. Or you and Chuck Woolery's Twitter war, which people can find out about online if they're curious. People should also just check him out now. He has this goatee now. Chuck Woolery has this goatee which is just solid white

but he's still got his hair as like pitch black and this white coat that looked's still got his hair as like pitch black and this white coat. It looked like, I thought it was like a Halloween costume when I saw him. We were talking on the phone about why it's a strange thing that so many game show hosts are ultra-conservatives like Pat Sajak and Wink Martindale

and apparently Chuck Woolery. Yeah. I don't know why. I guess it runs in that game. I guess they think that they're... Odd. Yeah. I don't know why. I guess it runs in that game. I guess they think that they're. Odd. Yeah. You know, they look at people and they just think, you know,

let's get your act together, everybody. Brian, why can't you be like me? We didn't get to Kelsey Grammer either, and I urge our listeners to check out. Just Google Tom Sharpling Kelsey Grammer. Yes. You'll be glad you did. Thank you for having me here. I hope you had fun. I hope you enjoyed being roasted.

Well, first I should do the goodbye. You want to do the goodbye first? Oh, either way. Well, Tom is something of an Elton John fan, which I discovered from listening to The Best Show, and he confirmed it on the phone, and he does a bitchin' version of Someone

Saved My Life Tonight on his show. So, Maestro Verterosa? Coming somewhere right here, right? Don't go breaking my heart I couldn't if I tried Oh honey, if I get restless Baby, you're not that kind Don't go breaking my heart

You take the weight off me Honey, when you knock on my door Oh, I gave you my key Nobody knows it When I was down, I was your clown. Nobody knows it. Nobody knows it. Right from the start. I gave you my heart.

Oh, I gave you my heart. Oh! And gave you my heart. So don't go breaking my heart. I won't go breaking your heart. Don't go breaking my... And nobody,

oh, and nobody told us. Okay, slow down. That's the next question. Oh, and nobody told us. Okay, slow down. That's the next part. Yes. And nobody told us. Because nobody showed us.

And now it's up to us, babe. Oh, I think we can make it. So don't misunderstand me. You put the light in my fire. Oh, you put the spark to the flame. I got your heart in my sights. You do this together. Oh, yeah.

Woo-hoo! Nobody knows it. When I was down, I was your clown. Woo-hoo! Nobody knows it. Right from the start. I gave you my heart. Oh!

I gave you my heart. Oh, I gave you my heart. Don't go breaking my heart. I won't go breaking your heart. Don't go breaking my heart. I won't go breaking your heart. I won't go breaking your heart. Is that enough? Did we do it? I surrender.

That was just wrong. Oh, my God. That was so funny. Tom, you're game for anything. God bless you. Thank you for having me here. That was so much. I'm glad you had fun. So, I'm Gilbert Gottfried.

This has been Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast with my co-host Frank Santopadre. And we're once again at Nutmeg with our engineer Frank Furtarosa. Thank you, Frankie. And we're happy to have someone who's taking time off from the hit show. It's always important when you're in show business to take a step out every once in a while so you can reflect. And before you go back in. And I'm going to tell our listeners to listen to the best show with Tom Sharpling and his partner, John Wurst. Thank you. And it's hilarious.

Thank you. Oh, my. Thank you, Tom. Give our best to Sarah Jessica Boston. And don't insult our husband like Gilbert did. I thought that Ferris Bueller's Day Off was a piece of shit. I heard that one. Yeah. What did you think of Ferris Bueller's Day Off was a piece of shit. I heard that one. Yeah, yeah.

What did you think of Ferris Bueller? He's a sport. I think he's just a horrible human in it. Yes, yes. He's the problem with everything. He's bumming everybody out, and he's selfish. Yeah, he's a horrible person. Yeah, yeah.

I do like when he, when Jeffrey Jones is like, so that's what goes on in that family, or whatever. But then you realize what's going on in Jeffrey Jones' family. Oh, God, did Joe? Eric, cancel Jeffrey Jones. Sorry. He can't do the best show. That's one of those terrible

things where you go, and he's such a good actor, too. I like watching him. Yeah. And Amadeus. Yeah, great in that. Yeah, yeah. And he was a lot of fun in Devil's Advocate. And Beetlejuice. Yeah. Yeah. I'm exhausted. That was,

yeah. Really funny. It's 109 degrees in here. Thank you, Tom Sharpling. Well, thanks for having me. Thank you. No more, please. No more. I can't. I can't. I'm I'm I'm I'm

I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm