Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - Matthew Modine

Episode Date: January 24, 2022

Gilbert and Frank are joined by actor and filmmaker Matthew Modine ("Full Metal Jacket," "Birdy," "Married to the Mob") for a wildly entertaining and frequently hilarious conversation about the viciousness of film critics, the awkwardness of sex scenes, the unpredictability of chimps, the cruel fate of "Cutthroat Island" and his working relationships with Robert Altman, John Schlesinger and Stanley Kubrick. Also, Bruce Dern bumps off The Duke, Wallace Shawn stars in "12 Angry Men," Oliver Reed shows off a very special tattoo and Matthew and Gilbert co-star in the unforgettable "Funky Monkey." PLUS: Jiminy Glick! Ray Walston! "Jesus Was a Commie"! The cinema of Alan Pakula! The poetry of R. Lee Ermey! And Matthew remembers the legendary Albert Finney! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Your teen requested a ride, but this time, not from you. It's through their Uber Teen account. It's an Uber account that allows your teen to request a ride under your supervision with live trip tracking and highly rated drivers. Add your teen to your Uber account today. You'll flip for $4 pancakes at A&W. Wake up to a stack of three light and fluffy pancakes topped with syrup. Only $4 on now.

Dine-in only until 11 a.m. at A&W's in Ontario. Hi, this is Gilbert Gottfried, and this is Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast with my co-host, Frank Santopadre. Our guest this week is a writer, producer, award-winning director, and one of the most admired and versatile stage and screen actors of the last four decades. You've seen his work in hit TV series like Weeds, The West Wing, and Stranger Things. series like Weeds, The West Wing and Stranger Things, the made-for-TV movies What the Deaf Man Heard, Too Big to Fail, and the documentary Operation Varsity Blues, the college admission

scandal, as well as HBO's and the band On, for which he was nominated for an Emmy as Outstanding Lead Actor in a Miniseries. But it's his work on the big screen that's brought him international acclaim and recognition in films such as Screamers, Vision Quest, Birdie, Baby, It's You, Orphans, Married to the Mob, Memphis Bell, Shortcuts, Equinox, Any Given Sunday, The Dark Knight Rises, and Cutthroat Island, and of course as the wise-cracking Private Joker in Stanley Kubrick's 1987 anti-war epic Full Metal Jacket. In a professional career that began way back when he saw a movie about the making of Oliver in his dad's drive-in theater, he'd eventually work with some of cinema's most esteemed actors and directors, including previously mentioned Stanley Kubrick, as well as Albert Finney, Gary Oldman, Sir Ian McKellen, Julianne Moore, Bruce Stern, John Schlesinger, Alan Parker, James Ivory, Spike Lee, Oliver Stone, Christopher Nolan, and Robert Altman, just to name a few. He's also achieved success as a writer and director,

helming music videos as well as award-winning short films such as Jesus Was a Commie, When I Was a Boy, and I Think I Thought. when I was a boy, and I think I thought, the guy even won the New Media Award for Best App for Matthew Modine's Full Metal Jacket Diary iPad app project. But let's be honest, folks. For all of his numerous accomplishments, this man's most memorable work to date was sharing the screen with me,

Gilbert Gottfried, in the 2004 screen classic, Funky Monkey. screen classic, Funky Monkey. Frank and I are excited to welcome to the show one of our favorite artists and a man who says that a showing of the movie Midnight Cowboy practically led to his family being chased out of the state of Utah. The multi-talented Matthew Mote. We should stop right there.

That's it, Matthew. That's the show. That's the show. Thanks for coming. Now, ever since word got out that we'd be interviewing you, the overwhelming message we were getting was, fuck Full Metal Jacket, we want to hear about Funky Monkey. So since we have a lot to say about it let's start now now now this was you always hear about these films that were based on a foreign film that was based on a french film or a tad now funky monkey wasn't that

originally a french film yeah i think it was uh so this was if you know what the funny thing is it was we began filming in the south of france and and uh yeah they were supposed to bring chimpanzees from america to to that were trained in martial arts these chimpanzees and the french said uh no no we have chimpanzees. We don't need your chimpanzees. Who's French chimpanzees? And so these chimpanzees who'd been trained to, you know, work on camera and do martial arts and stuff were brought to, they were never allowed to immigrate into the South of France to work on the film. And they introduced me to a French chimpanzee and they said, you know, you please come in and meet her. And I said, it's OK.

You know, so long as she does what you tell her to do, we're going to get along great. And no, no, meet the chimpanzee. And they brought me into the room. And immediately this chimpanzee was suspicious of me, that there was something about my size, my look. But I think she was menopausal. She was going through the change. Oh, God. And so she didn't like the way I looked when I came into the room.

And I thought maybe like a dog, you shouldn't look directly into her eyes because she may be a threatening sort of thing to do. So I looked away and the guy kept saying, scratch your belly. She loves to have her belly scratched. No, no, I really don't want to scratch your belly. She doesn't look like she likes me. No, no, scratch your belly. And for God's sakes, as soon as I put my hand to scratch her belly, she grabbed my arm and they're so incredibly strong. And right into her mouth,

she bit me and wouldn't let go. And blood was coming out of my hand. I thought, Oh my God, I'm going to get HIV from a chimpanzee and, and, and die in the South of France. And so they decided that they weren't going to do that.

They found a small person and put them in a chimpanzee outfit. Everybody knows chimpanzees heads are very small. And so they put a man inside of a monkey suit. So this was a French midget in a monkey suit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. in a monkey suit yeah yeah yeah and of course with the the head put on top of his head which was already quite large um uh he looked like he looked like a miniature king kong like

a small person king kong and he was he was alcoholic and a chain-smoking alcoholic and really angry. He almost killed us all in driving a truck on the set. And then Warner Brothers finally saw the movie, and they said, what the hell is happening? Like, what happened to that charming chimpanzee movie that we were making? And so that's how you and I met, Gilbert. They decided to reshoot all of this in San Diego. That's right.

And replace all of the stuff with the chimpanzees. Yeah. It's crazy. It's my mother-in-law's favorite movie. Your mother-in-law's favorite movie is Funky Monkey. And it had a drunken, chain-smoking, angry French midget in a monkey suit. French midget in a monkey suit. I remember you told me, well, first of all, chimpanzees are horrible creatures. They're horrible. Yeah. They're cute when they're infants. But as soon as they realize how strong they are and that we're frightened of them, they take advantage of that

strength. There have been a few cases, one man and one woman that they had their faces ripped off by chimpanzees yeah yeah and lord and uh and and oh and they say some guy they mutilated his his uh testicles testicles i mean so they're horrible. So you got off easily, man. Yes. With just a bite. I'll tell you. Now, I've never told anybody this publicly. The young kid that was in the movie, he was working with the young female chimpanzee.

They have doubles. And the young female was very cute. And they don't feed them good food they don't give them nuts and bananas and oranges or things like that they give them candy oh so that yeah they're like little strung out junkies on sugar and so she'd been working with the boy and i came to the set and they said you know she's kind of tired and she's had too much candy. Would you feel comfortable working with? I want to say his name was Goliath.

It was some, you know, some name like that, some scary name. And we knew about the testicles being torn off and tearing people's throats out. Would you be comfortable working with Goliath? And I said, yeah, I think it's going to be all right. And he gives me a licorice vine. You know, it says, just give him a piece of candy and say, good morning. So I squatted down and they opened the door and he looked at me, ran straight at me, pushed me. So I fell onto my back. He mounted me and he fucked me.

to my back he mounted me and he fucked me he had a he had a diaper on but he he he had hold of me and he had his way and then once he pleasured himself he he looked at me like yeah i just did that to you yeah yeah i take back what i said so you were you got fucked by a monkey chimpanzee to be fair i i think i think you might be our first guest who's ever been fucked by a monkey yeah but again, we're not too sure about Larry Storch. I remember during the movie, there was one monkey strapped down to a surgery table, I think. Well, Dr. Spleen, you only show up at the hour and nine minute mark, Gilbert. You're hardly in it.

Thank God. And there was a monkey strapped down and you said that this monkey looked at your hand when he saw the injury on it yeah yeah yeah when i got bit in the south of france i had teeth marks that i still had them in my hand from, from that, uh, an incident with the menopausal chimpanzee in the South of France. And, and, uh, yeah, she, she, cause they always are grooming. And when she was grooming, looking at my hand, she saw the teeth marks and she, she looked up at me like you've been bitten by a chimpanzee. She could recognize the teeth marks in my hand. Either that or I don't know what she was thinking. That's fascinating.

Yeah, it was fascinating. I watched the whole film. We were going to have Matthew, I'll tell our listeners, we were going to have Matthew back in March. Matthew was on sets and we couldn't connect and then he wound up in L.A. for a long period of time. Anyway, he's finally here, thankfully. But I watched Funky Monkey in preparation.

And that's my job. Neither Matthew or I have seen Funky Monkey. Which I resent, by the way, that I'm the one watching it. Our friend Jeffrey Tambor's in it, Gilbert. Oh, yes. And our old friend Taylor Negron, too, who was a lovely guy. Gilbert plays Dr. Spleen. He shows up at the hour and nine minute mark.

And, you know, Matthew's in the whole thing. I think you're in every scene. Why are you telling people that? But I love your line. This is what you told me. You said it was a really fun children's movie and then disaster ensued. Yeah. So that's what you thought it was going to be when you got it wrong.

I remember I was reading reviews of Funky. I never saw Funky Monkey, but I was reading reviews of Funky Monkey. And my favorite one was Matthew Modine once starred in a Stanley Kubrick film. How far he's fallen. Oh, and before I forget, I have to mention this. Every time a chimpanzee is mentioned on this show. And I heard, well, I think it started with Sunset Boulevard.

Oh, Matthew, brace yourself. According to what I heard, rich women in Hollywood had trained chimpanzees to perform cunnilingus on them. No. Have you ever heard this? No. Because in Sunset Boulevard, Billy Wilder said to the actress, because there's a monkey funeral, a chimpanzee dies and she's having a funeral for it. And he says, remember, you are fucking the monkey.

Do you remember the opening of Sunset Boulevard, Matthew, with the chimps? I don't remember them burying a chimpanzee. Norma Desmond has a pet. We assume it's a pet chimp. Yeah. And it opens with a ch a chimpanzee. Yeah, Norma Desmond has a pet. We assume it's a pet, chimp. Yeah. And it opens with a chimp wake. Wow. Yeah.

No, I didn't know. I heard a really good story, though. It was the director that was her butler, driver, great German director. Oh, von Stroheim. Von Stroheim. Yeah. He said, you know, nobody ever made suggestions to Billy Wilder. The script was sacred and you didn't touch anything.

But he said, but I had one idea. And so I went to Billy and I asked him, I said, I think it would be really interesting if when William Holden's character comes into the house and he finds me ironing. And, you know, there's this conversation between the two of them. He said, I'd like to be ironing her panties. And Billy Wilder said, for God's sakes, why? You know, like, why do you want to be ironing his panties? And he said, I think it would say a lot without saying anything. And Billy said, absolutely not. We're not doing that. And Billy said, absolutely not. We're not doing that. And Billy said it was the one regret that a bit of advice that he had received from an actor in Von Stroheim's case.

Wow, that was a bridge too far. But chimp coitus he was okay with. He was okay with chimp coitus. Yes. Cunnilingus chimps, I call them. I mean, imagine allowing that animal to get anywhere near with, you know. I mean, it's ill-advised. They're horrible.

That said, when I got raped by the chimpanzee, he did bury his lips into my neck, kind of a gentle kind of French kiss in my neck. Oh, geez. And all that skin on the front, it looks kind of get gentle kind of French kiss in my neck. Oh, geez. And all that skin on the front, it looks kind of leathery, right? But it's, it's like the softest skin on your body, you know, like pick someplace where the, it's, I mean, it was, you know, I've never asked this this but is it wrong that i liked it

i'm i'm i'm getting a semi wood just listening well it's gonna be tough to follow that story yeah that's all i'm telling you that's all i i don't want to know about kubrick or oldman or anything i want to talk see you should have saved the story about getting fucked by a monkey for the end because now how can you do gilbert and i were talking about the about how your family uh ran movie theaters in, drive-in theaters, which we're fascinated by. We talk a lot about that subject on this show, especially the impending doom of movie theaters, which is something that comes up a lot here. I found it interesting you said your dad would have gotten a kick out of the resurgence of drive-ins during the pandemic. Oh, 100%.

Yeah. pandemic oh 100 yeah yeah he he would have loved uh knowing that something that he loved so much uh was coming back because at the end of his life it was really the only thing that was keeping uh drive-in theaters alive was swap meets flea markets you know on the on saturdays and sundays and in fact the one that we had in San Diego, they started having flea marks on Wednesday, you know, so it was Saturday, Sunday and Wednesday. Just to keep them going. But you grew up in that world. You grew up in that, in the drive-in theater world back in Salt Lake City? Well, my life began in Loma Linda, California. And Loma Linda was beautiful. It was called the Cherry Pass.

And we were surrounded by cherry trees. And we moved to Imperial Beach where we had the South Bay drive-in. And that was watermelons and tomato fields. And then when he got transferred to Utah, I became a general manager of about a half dozen drive-ins and a couple of movie theaters. I became a general manager of about a half dozen drive-ins and a couple of movie theaters. So we moved to Sugar House was the first place. Then we moved to Cottonwood and then Orem and then Springville and then Midvale. And then we got, as you mentioned in the introduction with Midnight Cowboy, we got really run out. But it's more complicated than that. I'll tell you in a sec, but yeah.

So the theater that we had when we first arrived at Utah was called the Lyric and it was a, a legitimate theater that had been turned into a movie theater. Oh, wow. And it was, yeah. So I was about five years old and, you know, during the summer I'd go to work with my dad and wander around the theater snooping around and so you had the the motion picture screen and then behind that there were flats that you know of painted backgrounds so it'd be a new york city scene or boston and

then a a western these gigantic you know the size of a movie screen of painted backdrops that would go all the way up into the ceiling. And then on the right side, which would be stage left, they had dressing rooms with mirrors and all the light bulbs around and photographs, these eight by 10 photographs of these mysterious, handsome women and men, uh, you know, they're eight by 10 glossies that they'd left in the theater when they were touring, you know, touring with some show. There was real history in the place. Oh yeah. It was full of history. And then, uh, barefoot in the park came out and Robert Redford came to do publicity and met him. And it was fascinating to see the way that people

responded to him and the work that he did. And then we moved to Midvale. We moved away from the theater. And there we were surrounded by fruit trees. And so the reason I mentioned the plants and the trees that we, you know, the crops is that it was a very sensuous kind of childhood that we, you know, in the fall, the rotting fruits that were falling to the ground and you'd walk through those fields to go to school in the summertime. I mean, in the spring when you, or the fall, when you'd start to go to school, you know, through the tomato fields or the cantaloupes or the cherries, all that stuff. It made such a big impact on my, on my, my psyche because then they started tearing the drive-ins down.

The reason we were moving from drive-in to drive-in, well, the theater, they took the Mormon church, took the theater back and it turned it back into a legitimate theater. And then the drive-ins we kept moving because they were tearing the drive-ins down and building and building subdiv not coincident. Well, coincidentally, not coincidentally around the same time that that song paved paradise put up a parking lot. And, and so, you know, I do a lot of environmental work and I know that my environmentalism is rooted in the disappearance of, of the natural world, you know, that,

that happened, which is not really a natural world it's an unnatural world because they were farms you know so there's something unnatural about it but you know what i mean it sounds kind of idyllic but the funny thing is it's like not i mean not funny it's sad that i it's like movie theaters are going the way of vaudeville i i think it's going to be like nowadays it's going to be. I heard there were these places that you left your house to see a movie. Matthew's in New York are like us. You've seen all the places that have shuttered.

Oh, yeah. I can't blame it on the pandemic. It's been going on for decades. Yeah. From the time that I moved to New York City until now, the theaters that were on bleaker street, the theaters on the upper West side where you could go see, you know, like now you have the criterion channel. Why do you need a theater that plays the kind of movies, the criterion plays. Eighth street playhouse, by the way, where I saw full metal jacket. Oh, wow. Remember the eighth street playhouse? Yeah. Yeah. Remember it's in a Woody Allen movie

that was a theater that was up on the Upper West Side. The Thalia. What was it? I think it was The Thalia. Yeah. West 90s. You said in an interview you were working with Robert Altman, and you were a young actor. You were terrified of how to play the scene, and you kept trying to get him to tell you yeah

oh that's yeah it was it was uh streamers uh so i i mean i i did i auditioned for the movie 10 times i think and and i i told him finally told him i can't do this anymore bob i'm going crazy you know i i i don't know i don't know what you want and he said don't worry about you're going And I finally told him, I can't do this anymore, Bob. I'm going crazy. You know, I don't know what you want. And he said, don't worry about it. You're going to be in the picture. So I got the part in the movie to play Billy. And there was a big monologue. And obviously, this was one of the first films that I'd ever done. And I was very

nervous about like, what is it that Billy is saying to Richie, which was played by Mitchell Lichtenstein and David Allen Greer was in the movie. Michael Wright was in the movie. I think you worked with David Allen before Gilbert. Oh yeah. Yeah. And, and, um, it's, I say, so it was, let's say it was a Monday. I say, Bob, could I talk to you about this monologue? He goes, Oh Jesus, are we shooting that today? And I said, no, no, we, we, we shoot it Friday. He goes, Oh God, you scared me. He said, we'll talk about it tomorrow. And so I said, yeah, sure. Mr. Altman, we'll talk about it tomorrow. Tomorrow comes. And I said, Mr. Altman, could I talk to you about that monologue? Right, right. We're shooting a Friday. We'll talk about it tomorrow.

And so every day we'll talk about it tomorrow. And then Friday came and I said, Bob, could I talk to you about the scene? Yeah, hold on a second. Let me just ask you a question. What are you going to do in this scene? And I said, what do you mean? What am I going to do? Because, a question. What are you going to do in this scene? And I said, what do you mean? What am I going to do? Because, you know, where are you going to be? What do you imagine yourself doing? And I said, well, I imagine I'm sitting in my bed and it's a movie about the army and I'm in my cot inside of the barracks and I'm in my cot and maybe, you know, someplace in the middle of it, I sit up and, you know, put my boots on. He goes, OK, good.

He goes, Mitchell Lichtenstein, if Modine does that, what are you going to do? And he said, well, I think he was a gay character. And he says, I'll put on a kimono and my wooden clogs and and sort of lean against the bed and flirt with Billy. My character's named Billy. He goes, OK, good. Pierre was the cinematographer, how do you want to shoot it? He said, well, maybe we put the camera on this jib arm and move the camera around. Okay, good. I have to make a phone call. I'll be right back. I said, Bob, could I talk to you about the scene? He goes, yeah, yeah. When I get back and he's going out the door and he goes, we shoot Modine first. And he comes back, he goes, okay, let's roll.

And I'm sick. I'm just sick to my stomach because I, I, he, he wouldn't have this conversation with me and we did the scene and he said, okay, let's do it right away. Let's go again. And we shot it again. And he says, good, we got it. Let's move on. And I was lying in the bed. I'm not kidding you. I just was sick to myself, sick to my stomach. And he sat down on the bed and he said, you see, if I was interested in my opinion or my point of view about the character, I would have played the part.

He says, I cast you because I thought you were an interesting actor and that you could find the truth of the character and tell the story. And you did it. You did good. He goes, okay. And it was a very important lesson because I'd studied with Stella Adler here in New York and studied acting with her. And she used to always say that if you wait for a director to tell you what to do, you've lost. You have to do the homework. You have to

do the preparation. You have to try to understand the character on your own and bring your truth. Because if Gilbert was playing the part, he would play it differently than I would. I'd like to see that. Because of the circumstances of his life and his sense of humor, the way that he views something. So he's just going to take the same words and it's going to come out in a different fashion. fashion. And that's the beauty of storytelling is taking the same story, like that famous joke, and everybody telling the same joke. The aristocrats. Yeah, the aristocrats doing it a little bit differently, right?

Well, you said that's an actor's job, isn't it? That interpreting, bringing their own life experience to a role. I heard you say that you think a big mistake that actors make or people when they, performers when they become famous is they tend to isolate. Yeah. And they stop interacting with regular people. Yeah, you're a person. You're telling the story of the human condition, you sort of become separate from them. And that's all we are is storytellers. It's, you know, observing life and finding the best way to interpret it you know because we're all asking the same questions you know how did we get here what where did we come from where are we going what happens after we die you know what is love of course you know so lay off the private jets gilbert

get in touch with the common people and and you you also said like a lot of guests that we've had on this podcast, that you had to learn not to act. Yeah. Who's that acting teacher, Isken Brisken? He worked with, oh, I can't think want to say phoebe kate's his husband um kevin klein kevin klein well done uh he harold guskin i think is his name harold guskin and he said uh you know that the whole trick of acting is not to get caught acting you know not to and you're you know gilbert will laugh and and be self uh self mocking about it but gilbert's a wonderful actor because he never feels like he's acting you know he's he's telling a story um and with his sensibilities. But I've never felt like Gilbert had memorized some lines

and was repeating words. They always come from someplace that is very truthful and believable. And that's what you want to do is not get caught acting. How about that, Gil? What a compliment. I don't want to hear anything else you know matthew we've asked thank you matt we've asked people on this show like riff and dunn like treat williams like like beverly d'angelo could gilbert play a dramatic role

could he play an arthur miller character 100 100 I cast Wally Shawn. I directed a production of 12 Angry Men to play the Henry Fonda part that we know from the film. And he said, Matthew, I don't understand why you want me to play this character. And it's interesting when you look at the text of 12 Angry Men, it's more interesting that he's somebody who is not like a Henry Fonda, not somebody who you look at and you don't look at Wallace Shawn and think he's a powerful, noble character, but he is. He's got tremendous integrity, incredibly brilliant, you know, bright man. And, uh, and just because of the physical, uh, the, the physical being that he is, or that, that he has a, uh, I don't want to call it a speech impediment because it's not an impediment. It's just a different way of speaking um he was brilliant and it was f murray abraham was the last one to go that in the in the film was was uh uh what's his name

he's a real cantankerous son of a bitch what in the fonda film yeah lee j cobb lee j cobb yeah that was played by f murray abraham what interesting casting yeah kevin o'connor was in was in it right you directed kevin o'connor in your feature yes that's right yeah well done if dog rabbit we will return to gilbert godfrey's amazing colossal podcast but first a word from our sponsor. Take control of your phone plan with Chatter Mobile. Score big with nationwide prepaid plans from only $15 a month on Canada's number one prepaid mobile provider, Chatter Mobile.

Visit ChatterMobile.com for details. What happens when 20 extremely athletic Canadians who thrive on competition and won't settle for less than number one find themselves on a team? Taking on jaw-dropping obstacles all across Canada is one thing. Working together on a team with some pretty big personalities is another. It's a new season of Canada's Ultimate Challenge

and sparks are gonna fly. New episode Sundays. Watch free on CBC Channel. Gifting dad can sometimes hit the wrong note. Oh. Instead, gift the Glenlivet, the single malt whiskey

that started it all, for a balanced flavor and smooth finish. Just sit back and listen to the music. Ooh. This single malt scotch whiskey is guaranteed to impress Dad this Father's Day. The Glenlivet. Live original. Please enjoy our products responsibly. How did you like directing the late John Hurt, we can ask you about, too,

another wonderful actor, but Bruce Stern we had here. How did you like directing the late John Hurt we can ask you about too another wonderful actor but Bruce Stern we had here how'd you like directing Bruce Stern it was a thrill of a lifetime you know and and you know here I was you know saying action and him delivering incredible performance and um you know and bringing everything that you, I think the first movie that I remember seeing him in was the Cowboys. Oh, sure. And he killed John Wayne. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He was going to shoot. He kills him. He shoots and kills John Wayne. That's right. He said that John Wayne had never had bullet hits on his body. You know, those explosive blood packs and stuff. on his body you know those explosive blood packs and stuff and he'd never had them and he he said john was really he's a duke he said duke was really scared having those bullet hits on me he was drinking he was drinking whiskey and he he he was passing by my dressing room and he opened the door and he said they're gonna hate you that That's right. And they did, man.

That's a good little crime picture that I recommend to our listeners, Gilbert. Matthew's film, If Dog Rabbit, with a great cast, David Keith and Julie Newmar. Julie Newmar. Killing John Wayne, that's like someone killing America.

You know? But yeah yeah Dern Dern was was a wonderful guest he was fun for us he was yeah and he's got Hitchcock stories he's one of the few serve you know surviving actors coming home right coming home and coming home sure I mean so many so many performances it was was uh the thing with two heads i think was uh bruce stern i don't know that he's particularly proud of is is is it that one he was in on the incredible two-headed transplant i think the incredible two-headed transplant what's the one with ray maland okay i got them back i got them back do tell us because people say oh you know you guys tease things in the intro, and then you don't explain them in the course of the show.

So on the subject of your dad and drive-ins, tell us at least, or give us an abridged version of what happened with Midnight Cowboy. And did you ever tell that story to Schlesinger when you worked with him? I didn't. Oh, I should have done, yeah. I don't remember. Yeah, because John Schlesinger was really, really mean to me. He was, was he? Yeah. He was, he said afterward, he was,

he was very sweet afterward after the movie was finished and Pacific Heights. I said, I was, yeah, I was, I was having such a difficult time with Melanie and I was under so much pressure to finish the film with Michael. Cause I think Michael was getting a million dollars a week or something to do, to do the film. Cause it was after Batman. And so his price was really high. So he was on, he said, I was under a lot of pressure and I needed someone that I could take my

anger out on. And well, you, you just were so nice. Oh my, why me? You are punished for being nice. I was punished for being nice. Unfair. Yeah. He was awful. It was awful. But but I'm I'm glad that he was apologetic afterward. So what happened? It began earlier. My dad became a bishop at the Mormon church because my grandmother, his mother said that it would be good for business living in Utah if you got involved with the Mormon church. So my dad became a bishop at the church and they were sending, they have these things, these men quorums where the men are sitting around a table talking

and the women, of course, are in the other room baking cookies. And they were sending two young Mormon boys to Japan to do missionary work. And my dad said, well, let's have a hypothetical conversation about those two young boys, those two young Mormon boys in Japan. And the men around the table said, hypothetical conversation about what, Brother Modine? And he said, well, what happens if they encounter two young Buddhists? He said there was a big silence at the table. He said, yes, they encounter two young Buddhists. Then what? And my dad said, well, do they talk about the history of Buddhism, the similarities of

Buddhism and Christianity, the antiquity of it that's much older than Christianity? And they said, well, no, no, the two young Mormons are there to convert the two Buddhists and end of story, period. And my dad said, okay, I'm done. I'm out. And out and he left he left the church and so they were angry they were angry at him for for questioning i see the you know the the origins of spiritual teachings and um and then my brother mark came back from vietnam and was living in Ogden up in Northern Utah. And he decided to grow a row of corn and a row of marijuana, a row of corn, a row of marijuana. And the corn was sort of here and the marijuana was here.

And, and his name was also Mark Modine as my father's was Mark Modine, senior Mark Modine, as my father's was, Mark Modine Sr., Mark Modine Jr. And he got arrested for cultivation of marijuana, which was on the front page of the Salt Lake Tribune. I think the headline was, corn doesn't grow as high as officer's eye. That's my memory of it. And so my brother got in trouble. He got let off the hook because, because he'd just come back from Vietnam and he's a veteran. So they let him off the hook and he was white. He still is. And then we were playing midnight cowboy at the drive-in which was is was i don't know if it

still is it was rated x yeah originally and and so the church got really mad that we were playing an x-rated movie outdoors where people might drive by and see something illicit you know solicit on the on the screen so they they got mad at us for that and then my brother and it just made we suddenly got really sort of nervous living it was kind of like living in wisconsin today um that might might might be unconnected to anything when you air this but um uh but yeah so we we moved back to imperial beach so the the midnight cowboy was just the tipping point because they were already pissed off because your father had kind of thumbed his nose at the church and then your brother showed up with the

the pot plants exactly the rogers and hammerstein reference and now i have to ask you about a woman i've been trying to get on this show for a few years now. Uh-oh. Papi Ansuzu, better known as Miso Horney. Me love you long time. Is this unlike any interview you've ever done, Matthew? It certainly is. Do you think she's still around? She's still around.

Oh, my God. Our obsessed fan, since Gilbert's been talking about her for seven years on this show, our obsessed fans did a little digging, and she is, I believe, a physician living in the UK. A physician? Well, I heard... Was she a massage therapist or a chiropractor? Something of that nature. A massage therapist. Okay.

For an extra $30, you could get a happy ending. Oh, come on now. From Papillon Seuss. No, I think she's a legit health worker. I heard it's not totally legit. I heard it's some kind of spiritual healing. Is that what you heard? Yeah, some kind of bullshit.

I got bad info. Would you be shocked if Matthew didn't stay in touch with her all these years it's been 40 years you you know this is terrible it's terrible that was it when we were making full metal jacket was kind of the height of hiv or aids and we it was still that period of time when we didn't know how it was being spread, that people were frightened. It could be, it could be, you know, door handles, it could be people sneezing. It could be, you know, we'd know, but nobody knew how it was being spread. And I had just become a new father. My son was born and we were making the film and we added a scene that's not in the film where Papillon, it's, you know, after we negotiate and that kid steals the camera and

rides away on a motorcycle, Stanley called me up and he said, you know, the movie's really good. It was at a Christmas, during Christmas break. I was in England for almost two years making the film. Incredible. It was, it was at Christmas time and he said, I'm really happy with the movie. It's really good. And, and we've got everything. I said, yeah, we've got everything, but a sex scene. He said, what do you mean a sex scene? I said, well, you know, the movie it's funny, but it doesn't have a sex scene. He was, what about the motorbike cooker? What about Papillon Susu negotiating on the street? I say, yeah, that's it. I negotiate with her the motorbike cooker scene.

You know, it's about the guys, you know, Alabama Black Snake and, and, you know, all that stuff. I said, it's, but there's no sex scene. And he goes,, all that stuff. I said, it's but there's no sex scene. And he goes, oh, he got really angry. Hang up the phone. And about a month later, he came and he gave me a scene and he says, here's the new scene. And I said, what is it? He goes, what do you mean? What is it? Was your idea? And I said, what is it? He goes, it's a sex scene that you talked about. And I read this. And and so it's after I pick up the motorbike or the,

the prostitute. And we were in a, in a kind of French Pagoda and obviously in, in Vietnam, in Hanoi. And, uh, she's on top of me. He says, she's, she's mounted on my back and she's rubbing my shoulder. She's nude. You're nude. And I was nude lying on my stomach. She's massaging me, which makes me think you're probably right. Maybe she's a massage therapist. I don't know. And we don't mean, by the way, to imply that she's any kind of sex worker. No, we don't imply that.

No, no, no, no, no. I believe she's a professional, a medical professional. And, and so she's naked with her legs spread across my back and sitting on my ass. Right. And we don't know how HIV is spreading. And I got really nervous about having her vagina on, on a open, you know, on my, my ass. It's terrible. It's terrible. I can't believe I'm telling you this story. And Stan, and so I'm, and I'm telling this and it's just awkward when I'm talking to Stanley Kubrick and we're on set and I'm asking him about this.

He goes, yeah, OK, she's she's she's sitting on your back. Yeah. And I said, but her her vagina is like right on my ass. And I don't know where she was last night. I don't know where she was two hours ago. What are you talking about? What are you implying? I said, I just think that it'd be nice if there was some kind of something separating her vagina from my ass. He goes, I don't want to talk about this is disgusting. He said, if you have a problem with it, you sort it out. So I asked Papillon, I said, do you think I could put just a little washcloth on my on my back and you could sit on that?

She said, yeah, I don't mind. So we shot it. And then Stanley called me, you know, seven, eight months later, after he was editing the movie and he said, I'm cutting the scene out of the movie. And I said, oh, that's terrible. It was, it was a good scene. He goes, yeah, he goes, but I can't look at the scene and not see the washcloth and think that she was so kind after you having ejaculated in her that she put a washcloth to stop your sperm from spilling down your ass that's what stanley stanley i think i'd pay money to hear stanley kubrick say that yeah yeah so where where can i find this this nude scene of happy and? Mr. Skin has it.

There's no outtakes from Kubrick movies. Unbelievable. The things that Matthew is bringing with him today. You're firing on all cylinders. You know, you said the thing about Stanley, who you got to know. I'm calling him Stanley, like I know the man. You got to know him fairly well and stayed in touch with him for years. Yeah, I stayed in touch with him until I'd seen it happen many times on set

when I was talking to him and somebody would come and, and interrupt us. And he would get so angry that somebody had the audacity. Did you see who I'm talking to? I'm talking to Matthew. I'm busy, you know? And I was like, no, he's don't know Stanley. I'll go away. Just, you know, the guy it's, it's a really important conversation. He's, he's the armor and he's talking about weapons or he's, it's a set decorator trying to get a question, you know, to answer before we film the scene. And, and he, he could be so,

he could, I mean, the thing that was flattering about it was that it was, he felt that you were so important that he needed to give you his undivided attention and that, you know, obviously you should give you, give him your undivided attention. And so after we had finished the movie, I was just sitting right over there and I called him cause I'd sent him some, some camera equipment that, that was new. It was some new, new, new,

new machines that had, and he didn't have them on his, when we were shooting Full Metal Jacket. And I thought, oh, Stanley would really appreciate these things. So I, I bought them and sent them to him and I called him to ask if he'd tried it out. And he answered the phone. He goes, yeah, hello. I said, hey, Stanley, it's Matthew. He goes, oh, Matthew, I'm, I'm really busy right now. Can I call you back? And I, I, I said, hey, Stanley, it's Matthew. He goes, oh, Matthew, I'm really busy right now. Can I call you back? And I said, yeah, yeah, sure, sure. Yeah, I'll call you back.

Don't worry about it. And he hung up the phone. And that was the last conversation I had with him, that he had started doing Eyes Wide Shut. Oh, that's too bad. And I knew that I was just going to be a distraction for him. And I knew that I was just going to be a distraction for him. And I didn't want to be that person who interrupted him from his work. And I knew how important that was to him. And the next phone call I got regarding Stanley, he was Michael Hare, the person who wrote

the screenplay calling me to tell me that Stanley had passed away. He did stay in touch with my wife because his daughter Vivian had moved to New York. And he was always hoping that my wife would look out for her, you know, make sure that she was safe. And, you know, I think it's important because you guys know this but but stanley was from the bronx yes new yorker yeah and he he used to play chess right over there in washington square park and and uh just just just a few hundred yards from a pretty fair still photographer too very very good yes yes yes and tell us was it val kilmer who got you the part in film full metal jack indirectly indirectly indirectly yeah yeah i was i was with david

allen greer and it was after we had we'd done what we were talking about before streamers the robert altman movie and we had just won this unprecedented best actor award at the Venice Film Festival in Italy. And we were sitting in the booth that in the movie Annie Hall, where Woody Allen puts the Cadillac in reverse, but he thinks he's put it in reverse. You mean that health food restaurant in LA? Yeah. The Source. Yeah, it was called The Source.

Yeah, sure. I ate there. On Sunset. Exactly, on Sunset Boulevard. And David and I were sitting there and we were laughing about the movie and how it's funny in movies when a car drives into a restaurant, but in real life, people get crushed and killed you know and we were hoping woody allen was back in new york and not you know anywhere near the source driving around the cadillac and and so we were joking and laughing about eating pancakes and there was a guy sitting over there looking at me and he was clearly looking at me going like, fuck you, man. Fuck you. And I said to David, I said, let's that guy, let's this guy's an actor or he's learning a monologue, you know, or he's got Tourette's. He's clearly looking at me and telling me to go fuck myself. And so David looked over his shoulder and he goes, oh, he's val kilmer he's a really nice guy and and david had worked with him i guess helping him to learn songs and

kind of musical comedy kind of stuff for top secret oh yeah yeah sure yeah so they were they were friends and so i he went over and started talking to Val. And then he asked me to come over and I said, hey, my name's Matthew. He goes, yeah, I know who you are. I'm sick of you, man. I'm sick of you. And I said, look, I'm the youngest of seven kids. I've been fighting my whole life. If you have a problem with me, you can just take it outside. And Dave is, hey, come on, you know, knock it off and stop this. And, and so he, you know what it was, was Val was probably auditioning for the same parts that I was. And, and I, I had been on a really good role at that point.

I'd done vision quest and birdie and Mrs. So full and maybe even private school, maybe auditioned for private school. Soful and maybe even private school, maybe audition for private school. So, and he said, and now you're doing Full Metal Jacket, you know? And so I said, well, I said, I'm not going to apologize for the work that I've been getting, but I can assure you that I'm not doing Full Metal Jacket because you had to audition. You had to get a video, VHS and film yourself and send this tape to Stanley Kubrick. And I said, I didn't do it. You must have.

You clearly did because you're really upset. So, of course, what did I do? When I finished my pancakes, I went outside and put a bunch of quarters in the payphone and called up my manager in New York. And I said, this guy, Val Kilmer, just told me I'm doing Stanley Kubrick's Full Metal Jacket. Do you know anything about it? He said, no, I don't know anything about it.

I said, well, I know he makes his movies with Warner Brothers. I could call Harold Becker, the director of Vision Quest, and ask him to send Full Metal Jacket to Kubrick. And I'll call Alan Parker, who's editing Birdie in London right now, and ask him to send Stanley some scenes from the movie and see what happens. He said, that's a great, great idea. So we did that. And then about, I don't know, know a month later i was back here in new york and uh a script went through my mail slot and it was a letter from stanley kubrick that said hello my name is stanley kubrick i'm a filmmaker i i wonder if you'd consider uh uh you know participating in my film wow how great that he wasn't as humble as that i was gonna say he didn't even

presume that you knew who he was yeah yeah yeah now that's very very stanley kubrick now let's talk about private school which i think i think it's one of the private joker to private school one of the better of the 80s teen jerk-off films. Tits and ass movies. You've seen Private School, Gilbert? Oh, a few times. Wow. Phoebe Cates and Betsy Russell.

Why wouldn't I see it? Because when you have a guy in front of you who worked with Stanley Kubrick, you've got to know about Private School. You got to know about private school. And I think I brought that up to you, that I was a fan of private school. And you had like, what, like one of those large discs. What are they called? Oh, the laser disc? You had a laser disc in your car, in your trunk.

You went to your car and you showed me a laser disc of private school. Yeah. I wonder why I had it and where I got it. I've never had a laser disc player in my life. I must've got it like, you know, in the discount bin at, you know, Walmart or something. It's a funny movie. You know, it, it, Jerry Zaks was hired to be the director, but he didn't,

he felt really uncomfortable because he had never directed a movie. So they hired him to be the dialogue coach. And the director, he'd won the prize at the Cannes Film Festival for a short film that he made called Skater Dater. So Jerry Zaks is one of the most celebrated theater directors in New York. He's a legend. And he's got a closet full of Tony Awards awards um so noel black was the guy that won the prize for directing skater dater at it's a good film about kids in southern california there's no dialogue just skating around and young love uh in the when skateboards still had still steel wheels um is that the same noel that directed Pretty Poison with Tuesday Weld?

Yeah. Well, that's a good picture. Yeah. Yeah. The, the, the Laszlo was the cinematographer. Laszlo Kovacs? Not, no. What was his name?

I can't think of his name. He was the cinematographer on Tom Jones and he'd, I think he'd won the Academy Award for cinematography on Tom Jones. High-priced talent. Yeah, it was crazy. The people that worked on it. Jonathan Prince was in an elevator with, shoot, what's his name? God.

He played God. The great comedian with a cigar George Burns he said he was in the elevator he was in Las Vegas for something and he was 18 years old 19 years old

and George Burns got in the elevator and he looked at him and he said what do you got for me, kid? And without, you know, without missing a beat, Jonathan said, well, you know, Mr. Burns, it's such a coincidence that I meet you. I've been working on the screenplay that you'd be perfect for. He goes, okay, I'll meet you for breakfast.

And he went up to his room and wrote this 18 again oh yes wow what a great story yeah what a great and he went worked on it all night long came down pitched it to to george burns and they made the movie i mean the the the the talent pool that was involved with the making of private school is kind of incredible yeah it's an it's an A-list production as it turns out and do you have any stories about either Phoebe Cates or Betsy Russell uh not that I can share I wish this was a video podcast and people could see Matthew's face. And I remember 18 Again, George Burns sings the theme song to the movie. I wish I was 18 again, doing things that I used to do then. But old folks and old oaks go old and pretend.

I wish I was 18 again. Fantastic. I can't believe you know the words to that song. That's insane. Matthew, don't get us started. What about the theme to Private School, Gilbert? Can you do that one? Oh, oh.

There's some good music in the movie, too, right? There's some good songs. He'll do it. See, I'm thinking of the other Phoebe Cates movie. That was Paradise. Oh, yes. that was the blue lagoon when i'm with you it's paradise no place on earth can be so nice beneath the crystal waterfall i hear you call now give me can you give me some words? I know she sang the private school theme. Oh, Phoebe.

Yes, yes. She did. Do you know any of it? Because that will bring it back to me. I got no clue. Didn't stick in your head all these years. You know who else we're leaving out? We're leaving out Ray, my favorite Martian.

Ray Walston. Yes, yes. Ray Walston. Yeah. And Martin Mull. Yes. Yes. Yes, yes.

Martin Mull was in the movie. Hey, hey. Mike McPadden would be proud of this conversation. Wait, wait a second. You just walked in. Can you find the theme to Private School? Sung by Phoebe Case. Poor Dan.

Yes. Thank you, Dan Spaventa. Because I bet you I'll know the words to this because I remember she did sing it. While we're waiting. You know, her father, her father produced the Academy Awards forever. Yes, indeed.

And yeah, Phoebe Cates is a Chinese Jew. Yeah, Phoebe Cates is a Chinese Jew. Is that the mix? Do we have it? Is this private school? Good morning, girls, and attention. This is a stuff party. You can see her walking down on the city street. That's not it.

Nope, that's not it. The fuck is wrong with you? We need the theme to private school. He may not have it. Get the fuck out of here right now. I don't want you. I'm sick to look at you. He may not have it.

Take two. Oh, wait. This could be it. Take two. Oh, wait. This could be it. When you smile and hold out your hand. No.

No. I'm going to move on while Dan searches. This is wrong. Let him look for a second. I'm going to use the restroom. Go ahead. We'll wait for you. Let him look for a second. I'm going to use the restroom.

Go ahead. We'll wait for you. Where's Rayburn when you need him? He's still trying to answer a question from five years ago. Don't worry about it, Danny. Yeah, but see, now it's killing me. No. They may not put it on the internet, Gil. Well, that...

Try it. I don't think it was twoates and Bill Ray? Try it. I don't think it was two people, but you could try it. That's the same one. Matthew, first of all, an apology. We can't find the theme song. To private school. He looks heartbroken. He looks crestfallen.

But I know she sang it and I know if I heard like three notes I could sing it to you. She did. It was like the closing credit song. Yes. I'll bet you everybody, all of our listeners, there are people there

that are screaming out the lyrics to it. We'll see if we can find it and insert it in post, Gil. Yes. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal podcast after this. Let me ask Matthew a question from a listener. Kevin Watsy, does Matthew have thoughts on Jiminy Glick, Martin Short's character Jiminy Glick, naming his kids after you? I mean, other than the fact that it's so incredibly flattering.

I wonder if the other one is Morgan Mason, James Mason's son. It must be. Yes. Yeah. Yes. A reference to James Mason's son. Yeah. Morgan and Mason and Matthew and Modine.

The only reason I can think that that. What's his name? Martin Short did that was because we were Diane Keaton's a friend. She invited me to go to this animal rescue dinner and they need to find homes and feed the animals. So it was a fundraiser, you know, to take care of the dogs and buy dog food and stuff. And they came over. I was sitting with Marty and Diane and they come over and they said, hey, go up on the stage and tell some jokes, Modine. And I said, what? Get up on the stage and tell some jokes. You know, and I was at the Whoopi Goldberg roast, the fryer roast. Oh, you were there.'s like Ted Danson, who's charming and funny and stand up comedy comedy.

That is gigantic difference. You know, well said to and a sense of observation and sense of timing and sense of irony. And, you know, I mean, it's a huge difference. Yeah. And I don't know if you guys knew about that. Friars were 10th. Oh, we know about it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was. We're both members of the Friars. It's impossible not to know. Yeah, it was. We're both members of the Friars. It was impossible not to know.

And I heard it was Whoopi Goldberg's idea in the first place. She said that. I think that she might have. Maybe. I don't know. It was a joke. She definitely was trying to save him from being burned at the stake. It was a joke between them that other people did not understand. And the press didn't even know the nature of the Friars roasts yeah i i i always thought what was so what was so ridiculous

about that and the trouble ted danson got in that got into was that the friars you're supposed to be offensive that's the idea yeah yeah it's the whole offensiveness with affection yeah and and it was it was there you go and but you know he his jokes were not going over at all and then i remember robin williams getting up and said what were you thinking what were you thinking he said maybe we should take you up to 125th street in harlem drop you off and see how funny you think that outfit is and that's funny that was funny you know very funny yeah let's ask you about orphans one of my favorite modine performances i don't remember how we got to where we were that's okay the show is totally schizophrenic we were trying to remember

the theme song to Privacy. We'll put it in post if we find it. But tell us about working with the late, great Albert Finney, who you worked with twice. And Orphans, by the way, is a film that more people need to see. And it was underserved by the studio, the great Alan Pakula. And one of your finer moments, in my opinion. Thank you very much. That movie, we thought we were going to win every Academy Award ever made with that film,

that Albert was going to win Best Actor and Kevin Anderson. It was Lyle Kessler's play that was adapted into a screenplay. And Alan Pakula, he directed clute and all the president's men he was a producer of of to kill a mockingbird i mean he's just he was a a monster monster monstrously successful producer director uh such a great talent such a smart man. And, you know, Albert, I was doing Full Metal Jacket when Alan came over to London to ask me to come in to meet him and audition for him. that Albert, he brought the production to England because he said, this is what British theater needs. It needs something that's this alive and this raw. Gary Sinise was the director of the American production. I don't know if he directed the production in England. Must have. Yeah, he did. He did. And Kevin Anderson and Jeff Fahey played my part. And when I saw the production, I said, I know that I could do this really well.

And so I auditioned and had a great time working on the production. But I was terrible. When I got cast, I'm sorry, I got cast in the film. And, you know, don't forget, I had grown up in Utah. And on the other side of the Mississippi, like in that New York, that famous cover of the New York Magazine where it kind of turns into a desert, I don't even think Utah appears on the map. That Utah was just this weird place.

And I thought Jew was a verb, you know, it was something that you did. And so when I moved to New York City and I got a job working at Herbie Lipke's restaurant, and he was, you know, this conversation that we had just today so far was more talking than I ever did in my life living in Utah. You know, Utah was it was if you said maybe three or four sentences in a day, you'd be exhausted from talking so much. It'd be like, hey, Gilbert. talking so much it'd be like hey gilbert hey you know look at the dirt look at look at your boots look look at the sky watch the tumbleweed roll across the landscape and so herbie was on the phone he was talking to his vegetable guy and pissed off about the quality of the vegetables and the price of the vegetables. He hung up the phone.

I said, that was amazing. He said, what? I said, the way you chewed that guy down. Down hadn't got out of my lips and he punched me in the face and he was on top of me. What is that you fucking punk and i said what that's what you were doing you were doing he just beat me silly and then i found a a rabbi and i say can you explain to me what what what this jewish thing is and and he was a very sympathetic uh older man and he he gave me a whole you know it was it was like i could be

bar mitzvahed after he after he gave me that lesson um but so anyway so i'm doing orphans and i'm cast and we're sitting at the table. Now, Kevin Anderson had been doing the play for probably two and a half years. And Albert Finney had just won the Lawrence Olivier Award for doing his interpretation, his production in England. So these people knew the play backward and forward. And now I'm coming in, the new person in the group, and I'm talking like I am now. And the thing is with that character, if Treat isn't a threat, if he's not a dangerous person, the whole thing falls to bits. Absolutely. Dead end kid. Yeah, explosive, dangerous, angry, ignorant, and a cheap, petty thief, I should have cast Matt Dillon. You know,

I should have cast somebody, you know, other than this guy and Albert Finney. And I could see him looking at Kevin Anderson. And, and I thought, Oh my God. And I'm in a flop sweat thinking I'm so terrible. And, and, and I stood up and I said, I know this guy. I know him. And I said, it's Herbie Lipke. You know, come here, you fuck off, fucking kick your fucking ass. And Albert Finney jumped out of his chair and he goes, that's it. Now say the lines. And so when we started production, Alan Pakula, before he said action, he'd go, Mo modine give me three

come here you fucks come here you fuck come here you fuck and i had to say i had to say it before i'd walk in and do a scene you know give me three fucks fuck fuck and and uh you know it was it was it was a great experience making the film and and i i just love albert finney i did the second i worked with them the second time on the brown version yeah yeah in england uh just to have the the pleasure of working with him again what an actor and a good film we would recommend it to our uh to our listeners to find orphans and and before we got on the air frank told me you were punched but you you've been punched a few times in your life. Now by Lipke and also Oliver Reed.

Oliver Reed. My goodness. I haven't thought about that for a long time. Oliver Reed. That was during Cutthroat Island. Yes. Chris Masterson, who was on Malcolm in the Middle. He was the one that was always away at college.

Chris Masterson, he was the young boy on the in this pirate movie i did with gina davis and uh now of what i've heard i i never saw cuts to rhode island but i i heard it it makes spunky monkey look like citizen king It's not that bad. It's a fun pirate movie. I mean, you'd think that we were trying to remake Gone with the Wind the way that that movie was critically received. And they just had a screening. They invited me to go down to Winchester, Virginia, and they did a 10-mo, like 10 movie Modena thon and and Cut Third Island was one of the was one of the most well-received films.

People like, why did this movie get so trashed? And I think it was just a little bit too early for having an actress be an action hero in a pirate movie, that people just weren't prepared for that. Yeah, she had the so-called male role in a way, and you had the female part in a way. Yes, I was the femme fatale. I don't mean that the way it came across, but you know what I mean.

It's a good point. It was probably too early for a female action hero. It was. And it's a silly-ass pirate movie. Frank Langella plays the baddie in it. He's good. He's very good. And I had a great time making it.

But so they had cast Oliver Reed to play. It was just one scene or two scenes with, with Frank Langella where he's his brother and they'd cast him. And I was so excited because I'd seen him in Oliver, you know, the, that movie that you mentioned that my wanting to be an actor was, was seeing this documentary about the making of Oliver. And so, and, and the three musketeers,

you know, and, and I'd seen those, those, those things on British television, the chat shows where Oliver Reed would go on, he'd be drunk and famous drunk. He would be,

he would be so canceled today. He would never, you know, there's no way that that people would put up with somebody coming on the show completely you know a legendary drinker a legendary if we may yeah yeah so uh so i was sitting with chris it was his birthday party and and uh the the the film director renny harland had put vodka out on all the tables and people were just getting plastered. And Oliver Reed was, he'd,

he'd flown in drunk and got drunk. And so I said to Chris, I said, let's go talk to, let's go talk to, well, first I should say during the day, and I was really excited about meeting Oliver Reed. And I was talking to the, I was practicing my sword fighting because I'm a pirate, sword fighting. And the stunt guys had worked with him on Three Musketeers. And they said, why are you excited about meeting that cunt? And I said, why are you calling him a cunt? And he said, no, he's a great actor. He's a cunt. And they said, you know, if you're having a drink, be careful where you put your drink down. He'll come over and he'll put his cock in your drink. And I said, what is wrong?

What's wrong with you people? And they said, and if he does put his cock in your drink, have a good look at it. He's got Eagle talons tattooed to the head of his penis. So I'm sitting with Chris, Chris Masterson where it is birthday party celebration and there's vodka everywhere. And I say, come on, Chris, let's go ask Oliver about the tattoo. And so we go

and we sit down, we sit down next to him. He's got his, he's got his, his face on his arms. He's leaning on the table, you know, like he'd taken a nap at the, during the dinner for Chris Masterson's birthday party. And I said, hello, Oliver. My name's Matthew Modine. I'm one of the actors in the film. And turned he's you know he lifted his head up and he just punched me in the face he just punched me he goes no you're not you're a fucking spy and i said no i'm one of the actors i'm one of the actors that's in the in the movie wow wow he gets fucking cunts and they say cunts a lot in England. Yeah, sure.

And we don't use that term over here. Well, it has a different meaning. Different meaning. Yeah. And so he punches me in the face. And so I said, hey, Oliver, you know, there's a lot of the guys that are working on the film, the stunt guys. They worked with you on Three Musketeers. They worked with you on Three Musketeers. He says, and they said you had kind of a special tattoo.

And he pulls his sleeve up and he shows me his shoulder. And he was a member of the British SAS. He was special forces like our underwater demolitions team. So, i mean not just a soldier or marine but like full-on real deal kind of guy and i said oh no i say he said i you know the the guys they said you had a tattoo i said i don't even want to ask you about it it was silly i know they were they were lying. He goes, and he stood up and he pulled his cock out. He now being British, he was uncircumcised. And he squeezed his cock and the head of his penis popped out and they're tattooed to the head of Oliver Stone. Oliver Reed's penis were eagle talons, fully articulated, drawn very beautifully.

And he stuck it. He stuck his cock right in young Chris Masterson on his 16th birthday's face. And then he goes and he put it back in his pants. Oh, whoa. Now that was in Malta where a few years, a few years later, he would, he would die while making gladiator.

That's right. That's right. That's right. What a story. So he had his cock tattooed. The head of his penis. That is a courageous fellow. Imagine what that would feel like. I mean, I don't have any tattoos, but Jesus.

Wow. That is a hearty soul. You had fun making that movie. I mean, you were in, what, Malta and Thailand? Malta and Thailand, yeah, and the Phi Phi Islands, yeah. You were shocked by the reviews, I heard you say in an interview.

Because it was a lark. It was supposed to be a lightweight adventure movie and the critics took it too seriously. And it was a lark. It was supposed to be a lightweight adventure movie, and the critics took it too seriously. And it was the first time I'd really been eviscerated by film critics. I was always kind of, I guess, darling is the expression that people would use, you know, critics darling. They always said nice things.

And so when I was at the Beverly Wilshire hotel and they asked me, did I want the newspapers and the trade papers? And some old theater person had told me, they said, you know, never read reviews. If they're good, they'll kill you. If they're bad, they'll kill you. And so they asked me, did I want all the papers? And I said, no, no, I don't want any newspapers. Don't, don't put anything outside my door. And when I woke up in the morning to go down, they used to have a really nice coffee shop on the west side of the Beverly Wilshire with the waitresses. They had those funny little things in their hair and the pink apron, the white apron with a pink outfit. I don't know if you guys- I never stayed at the Beverly Wilshire, but I

have an idea what you mean. Yeah, it was just a good old-fashioned coffee house and nothing fancy. And they put all the newspapers outside my door. And I thought, oh, just look at one of them. And it was horrible. It was so mean. It mostly toured the film and Gina and Rennie Harlan, but eviscerated the film. I thought, oh, Jesus. I looked at another one and it was worse than the worse than the one before. And then I looked at the trade papers and just completely trashing

the film. And I went down to the coffee shop to have breakfast. And I felt like everybody in the restaurant, it's like when you smoked marijuana or something, you'd feel like everybody's, you'd feel completely paranoid and everybody's staring at you. And, and I just like conversation stopped and it felt like people were going, there he is. That's that guy. He's the one that's so bad in the movie. And it just, it just felt so like, and I felt bad. And I went back up to my room and I thought, well, what am I going to do? The whole world hates me now.

And I wanted to hurt myself. I wanted to, like, I didn't want to kill myself, but I thought maybe if I hang myself in the bathroom and, you know, when the cleaning lady's coming to make the bed so she can save me and tell people. You want to make yourself a sympathetic character? I wanted to make myself a sympathetic character. I understand. So you have to time it perfectly.

I'm sure I'm not the first person to have wanted to, you know, but then you know what happens? You slip and then you hang yourself and people think you were, you know, jerking off and hanging yourself. Yeah. What is that? Auto erotic? Asphyxiation. Asphyxiation.

I did answer that a little too quickly, didn't I, Gilbert? Pronunciation of that. You know, in the time we have left, Matthew, and you are an entertaining fellow, I got a lot of cards here we're never going to get to. Andrew LaPosha has a question for you. Any good insults in the movie uh from the great uh lee ermy uh in full metal jacket that didn't make the cut doing research on this i found out he was a poet lee ermy yeah that was me by surprise yeah it was that's why that was such an important part of the movie when he goes, combat correspondent, writer, you're not a writer.

You're a killer, sir. Yes, sir. You know that, that I'm a killer. He goes, who do you think you are? Mickey Spillane. Great. And so that was set up because we were going to have a scene when I'm on night watch just before Leonard gets killed. And I'll go into Lee Ermey's. That would have been the first scene where we saw him without his hat on. And he would have been in his T-shirt and underwear. And he says, so you think you're a writer?

Sit down. I got something to read to you. And he reads me his poems. And these were poems that R. Lee Ermey had written. And because we began the show talking about monkeys, one of the poems involved a woman who kept her lover in this cage. And she would go in and have sex with him at night and talk. He wrote about his balls slapping against her butt and, and, you know, deeply plunging into her, but it was all quite poetic and,

and lyrical. It was remarkably lyrical and poetic had been incredibly obscene and violent at the same time. And, and, and then, you know, she locks up the cage and you re you realize at the end, then you know she locks up the cage and you you realize at the end the punch line was that she was fucking an ape and um and so and it was and it was it was funny he's bookending it quite nicely there this this yeah this interview opened with you getting fucked by a monkey. And it's trapping up with a woman fucking a monkey. And yeah, so Stanley wanted to get it in. And then he realized that thematically it wouldn't. You can't go from that scene into me walking into the the true the train and and him blowing his brains out you know just it just doesn't work you know it doesn't work so we we never filmed it but

they were they were funny poems man i'll bet and i i remember one of the things he yelled at the soldiers is something like, you look like the kind of guy that fucks you in the ass and doesn't have the common decency to give you a reach around. That's the best. Yeah. That was where he went up on his lines. He was doing insults, and he forgot what it was that his scripted lines were. And he said that that was a great one. Yeah, it was a great one. And none of us were

expecting it. So when when it came out of his mouth, we were all standing there trying to get a mental picture of what he's talking about. OK, you're the kind of guy that would fuck a guy in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach around. And then, you know, and then we all started falling down laughing because it was it was so funny. What have we got here? A fucking comedian, private joker. I admire your honesty. Hell, I like you. You can come over to my house and fuck my sister. You little scumbag I got your name I've got your ass you will not laugh you will not cry

You will learn by the numbers. I will teach you now get up get on your feet You at best on fuck yourself or I will unscrew your head and check down your neck Sir yes, sir. I'm a j joker why did you join my beloved corps sir to kill sir so you're a killer sir yes sir let me see your war face sir you've got a war face ah that's a war face now let me see your war face bullshit you didn't convince me let me see your real war face you don't scare me work on it sir yes sir what's your excuse sir excuse for what sir i'm asking the fucking questions here private do you understand sir yes sir well thank you very much can i be in charge for a while sir yes sir are you shook up

are you nervous sir i am sir Do I make you nervous? Sir! Sir, what? Are you about to call me an asshole? Sir, no, sir! How tall are you, Private? Sir, five foot nine, sir! Five foot nine? I didn't know they stacked shit that high.

You trying to squeeze an inch in on me somewhere, huh? Sir, no, sir! Bullshit! It looks to me like the best part of you ran down to crack your mama's ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress. I think you've been cheated. Where in hell are you from anyway, Private? Sir, Texas, sir!

Holy dog shit! Texas only steers and queers come from Texas, Private Cowboy. And you don't much look like a steer to me, so that kind of narrows it down. Do you suck dicks? Sir, no, sir! Are you a Peter Piper? Sir, no, sir! I'll bet you're the kind of guy that would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach around i'll be watching you you must have left i mean in spite of it being a grueling production and two years and stanley's

famous multiple takes and you're in this this terrible environment with those get those gas belching refineries you guys thought taking your lives into your hands. You were doing this in a polluted. It was the most toxic place I've ever felt in my life. Well, in spite of all of that, you must have had a couple of, you must have had some laughs. And I found it interesting that he kept telling you and Arliss Howard, you guys are going to miss me.

Yeah. What an interesting thing for him to say. He said it to Arliss when we wrapped the film. He said, you're going to miss me. And Arliss Howard said, of course, I'm going to miss you. I miss you already. He goes, no, he said, you're going to miss me. You're going to be on another person's film set. And they're going to say, cut.

We got it. Let's move on. And you're going to miss me because you're going to know that you didn't move on. And you're going to miss me because you're going to know that you didn't get it and you're going to miss me. And because I, Stanley would never walk away from a scene until he knew a hundred percent that he had got it, you know, that whatever it was that he was looking at, whatever reason it was that he did so many takes, I don't know why. Maybe it was focused. Maybe the camera didn't move right. You know, when it was going down the track, you know,

it's not just you and your performance that, that, that maybe didn't work. Maybe it's the other actor in the scene that maybe one was good. One performer was good and the other performer wasn't so good and whatever, you know, but it's, I, having worked with Stanley Kubrick and worked on productions post Stanley Kubrick, you hear it more and more often where people say it's good enough. Let's, let's move on. And good enough is the death of this art form you know it's good enough it's good enough let's move on and that's what he meant that he had created this unique environment where he worked away from the system and he was and he was he had permitted himself he put himself in that position

to get a hundred takes 200 takes whatever it took to get it right and that's what he was saying you guys are going to miss this kind of perfectionism. And I heard there are some directors who purposely do 100 takes to get the actors to stop acting. Yeah. Yeah, it was afterward when I got home here and I bought a book by Marvin Minsky called The Society of Mind and Marvin Minsky was the person who coined the term artificial intelligence and

he talked about the the process that we go through with learning and I suppose in a way it's kind of what Malcolm McDowell Malcolm McDowell Malcolm Glad, with that 10,000 hour, you guys know that you have to do something. Yeah, before you perfect it. Before you perfect it. So when you think of a baby coming into the world and the process that the baby goes through, you're looking out at the world and you don't know that you have arms and legs, that you're just sort of connected to everything, right? When you come into the world and then you discovered that you have these appendages and that you can suck on them with you. And then you realize that you have feet and then you start walking, you know, you

fall down and you walk and you fall down and then you start running and that this whole process to getting to the point where you can have a cup of tea on a, on a, on a saucer and stub your toe as you're walking around the room and have enough muscle memory without thinking in a split second to tamp the, the, the, the saucer and tea just enough so that you don't spill it, right? You just adjust because you've stubbed your toe and you adjust so you don't spill the tea. That all of that process takes hundreds and hundreds of hours. And to get to the point where you don't have to think about tamping the tea cup and the saucer to keep from spilling it. Are you, do you understand what I mean? Yeah. So that's when I read the, when I read that, I said, that's what Stanley was after.

That was what filmmaking. Yeah. That you have to get the line so deep inside of you that like this conversation that we're having right now, that the words that I'm speaking are based on the experience of having lived through it so that I'm speaking. It doesn't sound like I'm acting. I'm just telling you a story about something that I experienced. And that's where he wanted the actors to be in their performance. He wasn't interested in real. He was interested in interesting. And that was something that he talked about with Jack Nicholson. He said, Jack, Jack had told him, he said, this is what people do in this situation. This is how they react. This is what they do. And Stanley said, yeah, okay, but that's not interesting. I'm not interested in what, what, you know, what might be real. I want to, I want you to do something that's not interesting. I'm not interested in what might be real. I want you to do something

that's interesting. Wow. Hard to argue with his methods, because look at what he produced. Look at the body of work. And it's crazy, because every single one of them, like Vincent Van Gogh, were dismissed. You know, Barry Lyndon was dismissed. 2001, A Space Odyssey. That was the last premiere that he went to in New York. And people, including Rock Hudson, walked out of the theater and were saying insulting things as they walked by him. You know, like, what a stupid movie. They didn't get halfway through the movie and walked out um a lot of people dismiss clockwork orange too yeah yeah uh what do i i'm i'm exhausted this is so much fun and this

we've steven spielberg i mean steven steven uh king said that he hated the show he did that's right he hated so much he he remade it. Oh, he did. That's right. He hated it so much he remade it. It was terrible. That's right. That's right. An excellent point. And the whole time you're talking, in my mind, I'm getting snippets of the theme song of Private School where I'm something like, I'm with you and you're where together.

We'll find it. See, I don't know you as well as I thought I did, Gilbert. I thought you'd be obsessed on Jew as a verb. That's one of my favorite parts. Matthew, we could go on. Oh, geez. You know, we talked about, but I want people to see your films, too, because we're talking about directors. We're talking about Kubrick and talking about uh uh kubrick

and and altman and and pakula and we didn't even get into uh we barely got into schlesinger and and spike lee and christopher nolan and all these other wonderful people you worked with but let me tell them about your short films which people can get on itunes which adam nelson uh your guy sent to me and and i watched them all, and they're terrific. Thank you. And I must say, I think I thought it was a wonderful piece of satire. Thank you. But Jesus Was a Commie is something that people need to find and watch.

Yeah. Because it's a thought-provoking piece of work. To Kill an American. That too. I like that one too. I think I thought, and Jesus was a commie, or kind of, it's a, I don't know, trifecta. One thing led to another. And it was when I was studying acting with Stella Adler, she had us read this book by

Cahil Gibran, or Gibran, depending on where you're from, called The Prophet. And she said, we speak when we fail to be at peace with our thoughts. And with the event of 9-11 and how that impacted our lives and in the world, I was really not at peace with my thoughts. And I was downtown. I rode my bicycle down when it happened because they said they needed people to triage and apply tourniquets and carry stretchers. And I learned all that in the Boy scout. So I went, rode my bicycle

down there and, and then subsequently went down and gave water bottles, you know, during, during the, and then, and then I couldn't go down there anymore because there was some horrible things that I experienced at the site. And I started going to Jacob Javits and the, the, the whole, the whole thing just raises more questions. I've done, I've done three movies about Vietnam, Bertie with Alan Parker and Nicholas Cage. It's a good one too. Thank you. And, and streamers and full metal jacket. And so, you know, when you're doing one of those movies, you,

you read up about the war and you try to understand it. And, uh, Michael hair wrote, I think one of the best books about Vietnam ever, uh, about war ever called dispatches about his experience in Vietnam and, and short timers that full metal jacket is based on. And then, you know, just having grown up watching the war with Walter Cronkite, when I was a little boy living in Utah, and you know, it was something that was, that was over there, it was away from us. And then when my brother, Mark, enlisted in the Navy, and then my brother, Michael, and my sister, Elizabeth, my brother, Russell, all of a sudden, my brother Russell, all of a sudden the war came home and it was something that I was sort of participating in now. And, and the, because I, I had an, there was a family investment in, in,

in it. But so what, what I tried to been tried to understand all this time is what were we doing? And what was, what were, what were we fighting for? What was the purpose? What was, and you know, I, I, I love Muhammad Ali so much for his stance on the war and, and, you know, that, that he was willing to give up his, his career at the height of his career, at the height of his strength to, to protest that war. I've talked to Richard Dreyfus about it, and he talked about the war at home, that those people that were the conscientious objectors, those people that were protesting, the college students who protested the war, because there was no justification in their mind. And so the war, the way that he talks about it, the war that was being fought at home was much more important than

the war that was being fought overseas because of what we were doing. And, you know, I think it's unfortunate that the war in Afghanistan and Iraq, that there weren't greater protests here at home because what was the purpose of that war? What were we trying to accomplish? What did we accomplish? And it's interesting, I was in a taxi with a Chinese fellow today, and we were talking about the Chinese and how rather than investing in war, in implements of war, machines of war, that what if we'd have gone to Afghanistan and Iraq and said, we're going to build a hospital, we're going to build schools. And, you know, these are the conditions of using the hospital, if you can put conditions on

education and conditions on using the hospitals. But rather than bringing a fist to a fight, bringing an open hand and saying, look, this Saddam Hussein fellow is not a good person and we want to help the country. And, you know, to do things with kindness rather than violence. That's kind of what Jesus Was a Commie is about. The title's a little misleading in a sense, because it sounds maybe to some people like you're slamming religion or you're slamming Christianity, but it's actually a call for civility and kindness and generosity. Yeah, purposely provocative title, because if you said Jesus was a nice kid from Bethlehem, it's not so interesting. Our listeners should find them.

They're on iTunes. Yeah. People came and protested the movie when it came out. I saw that. I gave it a title that it's very confusing. I said, but I promise you, it's not really about Jesus or communism. It's about the problems that we present to the world and how we're never going to solve these problems unless we find a peaceful way of reaching across the aisle and because we're

talking about kubrick i i think that in a big way this was an influence from stanley kubrick that that if you look at all of his movies they they're in some ways about this kind of stupidity, especially Dr. Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb. Which he started out to make as a serious film about that subject and then realized the absurdity was carrying the day. Yes. He couldn't treat it seriously. Yeah. But if we don't find peaceful solutions to the problems that are at hand, that's what we're doing. We're riding like Slim Pickens, that atomic bomb at the end of Dr. Strangelove. That's a good analogy. We'll meet again.

Don't know where. Don't know when. Beautiful film, and so is Jesus, was a commie which, again, people should find. It's an important piece of work. I'm not blowing smoke up your skirt. Last question, Matthew. Mark Edwards Edelstein. Who was more intimidating to work with, Kubrick, Altman, or Gottfried?

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, Kubrick, Altman, or Gottfried? I'll never tell. You don't kiss and tell, right, Gilbert? You don't kiss and tell. Tell that to the chimp. There's so much here, Matthew, that we could have done. I mean, and we barely touched on orphans. We didn't get into Birdie, but we will.

I love that Alan Parker and Kubrick both referred to each other as a prick, which maybe you'll explain that to us next time. Will you come back and play with us again? Absolutely. This was a fun one. Yeah. I'll tell you this really quick this this story go ahead so alan parker sends the clip to stanley kubrick right from birdie for birdie so i could you know

get in the movie and and then uh so i'm in london i i meet up with alan parker and to have a meal or you know i don't know something yeah i think just to have a meal and, you know, I don't know, something. Yeah, I think just to have a meal. And he goes, that's Stanley Kubrick. He's a cunt. I said, why do you say that? He goes, you got cast in the movie and he never sent me a note to say thank you. And I said, well, you know,

he's really busy directing the movie. I'm sure that he's just slipped his mind. I'm sure he's going to send you a note, Alan. Don't worry about it. So I go to see Stanley Kubrick and I see Stanley. You got to send Alan Parker a note and say, say thank you, Alan Parker. That guy's a fucking cunt. And I say, why do you say that? He said he sent me some scene with you and a guy standing in a doorway yelling at each other. He said all it did was demonstrate that you had the ability to memorize lines and scream. He goes, didn't tell me anything about you, your acting ability. He said, lucky for you at the end of the scene, there is a scene of you sitting in this,

I guess it's a mental hospital and you're looking up and you don't say anything. You're just quiet. He goes, that's why I cast you. He goes, I saw that you had the ability to say something without words. Wow. Wow. That's good stuff. Yeah. You know, and when you come back, Matthew, and please come back and play with us again. You know, I saw you in the Criterion closet, which I know happened not long ago. And you love Lumet. You were talking about Kurosawa. You were talking about Night of the Living Dead. Come back and talk about your favorite movies with us too.

Whenever you want. You know, this kid who grew up on drive-ins. Yeah. Are there people listening right now? No, we're not live. These were just questions. Nobody has ever listened to this podcast. We don't even actually record it.

It's just an excuse to get together and talk. Yeah, it's actually therapy for the two of us. We're alone in a hotel room. And we'll talk about Jonathan Demme next time, too, and Married to the Mob and Pacific Heights. You've done so much. You've done too much. I've done too much, yeah.

For us to wrap our arms around. Let's thank a couple of people too. Unless you want to plug something. I know you did a movie with John Cleese and one with Liam Neeson. Those coming out. I don't know what the movie with Liam's called. I don't think they have a title for it yet.

Okay. Liam's an old mate. We've been friends for 30 years and it was just an excuse for me to be able to go and see him. He's in Germany. He was making this movie. I was shooting Stranger Things and the guy that was directing the episode, they called us to the set and he said, come on, let's go. They're ready for us. I said, I'll go with you if you give me a job in that Liam Neeson movie. And he came back about a half hour later and showed me his phone. And there was a message. He says, the

producers think it's a great idea. And that's the first time that's ever happened that Gilbert, man, I'd love to work with you. And then you call me up next week and say, Matthew, I have this movie that we're going to do. Like, when does that? It never happens, right? People say, Gilbert, I love you. I want you to be in my movie and then that you never hear from them yes i love it well that happens that's that's the more common way right i i also love when a director or someone comes up to me and says why weren't you in my last movie you never fucking asked yeah and since you've brought up liam neeson we're going to make gilbert do his liam neeson for you matthew as a parting gift oh which one the the uh you know

the bit you do on stage oh oh uh yeah i i i saw liam neeson latest film. It's his 50th film where his daughter gets kidnapped. And once again, he's on the phone with the kidnappers going, give me my daughter back. I want my daughter back. And give me my lucky charms. You'll have to, now that Matthew can hook you up, you can do that for Liam Neeson. We want to thank Jillian Neal, who helped make this possible, and Adam Nelson from Matthew's team.

They've both been great and patient with us, and wonderful Matthew hung in there for almost a year. He's finally here, and it was worth the wait. And we'll thank our friends Dan Spaventa and Jim McClure here at Sirius, too, who were instrumental in getting this ship launched. I'm exhausted from laughing. Yeah. This was a great one.

Matthew. I had a great time. Thank you very much. So much. Thanks for being here and being part of this this crazy cockeyed caravan so this has been gilbert gottfried's amazing colossal podcast with my co-host frank santo padre and we have been talking to a man whose tombstone is going to read was once fucked by a monkey.

Only if you're the one carving it. That's great, Matthew Moteen. Matthew, this was an absolute kick for us. Come back and mess around with us again. There's so much more to do. Excellent. Excellent. Thank you so much. Thanks, pal. Happy holidays. Thank you. Happy holidays. Thank you. Happy holidays. I'm going to go make dinner for my wife now. That's a noble cause. Please, need you near me, and I just can't help wondering why people have to live a lie, when you're the only thing that matters in my life Just one touch and I'm lost inside your love

Just one touch means more than words can say Just one touch and I know I'm gonna stay for a way I'm gonna stay for a way

Just one touch and I'm lost inside your love And I'm lost inside your love Just one touch Means more than words can say Just one touch And I know I'm gonna stay For always Oh, just one touch And I'm lost inside your love

Just one touch means more than words can say Just one touch and I know I'm gonna stay For a way, a way.