Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - Mini-Ep #62: ALL-STAR COMEDY FLOPS Part 1
Episode Date: June 2, 2016Each week, comedian Gilbert Gottfried and comedy writer Frank Santopadre share their appreciation of lesser-known films, underrated TV shows and hopelessly obscure character actors -- discussing, diss...ecting and (occasionally) defending their handpicked guilty pleasures and buried treasures. This week: The riddle of "The Phynx"! Joe. E. Ross goes slumming! Robert Mitchum meets a boxing kangaroo! And Leo Gorcey's last stand! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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So, Mr. Gallagher.
Oh, Mr. Sheen.
I understand.
I hope people get these references.
I understand we've been nominated for a podcast award.
Yes.
What do you think of that?
Yes, because like I always talk about, the first time we did a podcast together, we were sitting in a pizza store.
And we can't say the guy's name.
The pizza store owner?
No.
I like the way you call it a pizza store.
Yeah.
A pizzeria.
And I was saying to you, well, you know, we tried it.
We gave it a shot.
We gave it a shot.
And here we are 100 and something, 108, 110 episodes later.
And we've voted for best podcast.
Well, not yet.
Yes.
But we're nominated.
It's only a matter of time.
You're cocky.
Because you'll all go out.
You will go out and vote for Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast.
Go out and vote.
Yes, go to www.podcastawards.com uh tell them which podcast you want to vote for
that's us and they're telling me that you can vote every day that it resets you can vote on a monday
vote every day folks vote every day for gilbert godfrey's amazing colossal podcast voting starts Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast. Voting starts May 29th for two weeks. And I guess
you can vote early and often. Yes, yes. Vote all you want. I don't know if you can vote. But vote
for Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast because if it becomes big enough, I can get a new
co-host. That's what this is really all about. That's all I want.
Please make me happy.
Again, www.podcastawards.com and we thank you guys. Hi, I'm Gilbert Gottfried.
We're here once again at Nutmeg Post with our engineer, Frank Berderosa.
I'm here with my co-host, Frank Santopadre.
That's me.
And this is Gilbert and Frank's amazing colossal obsessions.
And sitting in with us is Mike McBeardo McPadden
whose new book
Heavy Metal Movies
Guitar Barbarians
Mutant Bimbos
and Cult Zombies Amok
in the
GGG most
ear and eye
ripping big screen
Oh in the 666 I Ear and eye ripping big screen. Oh, and the 666.
L-N-G-G-G for Gilbert G. Godfrey.
Gilbert Godfrey Gore.
Gilbert goddamn Godfrey.
That's a 6.
It's a G.
He's not only the author of that fine book, which we've plugged, Heavy Metal Movies, many times,
but he is also the social director.
The social director.
Yes, he's Lauren Tweese from The Love Boat.
He's the social media director.
Right this way.
Social media guru extraordinaire for this very podcast.
So to our listeners, all those wonderful posts you see on Facebook and many of the Twitter things
and all those fun little items and obscurities and oddballs are his brainstorm.
So he's finally here with us.
And now to begin this episode, you know, Frank and I have discussed a number of times Mad
Mad World.
Sure.
And then that led us to those other ones that were never as good.
They've each, you know, every couple of years, they try for a new Mad Men world.
Do you mean specifically all-star comedies, or you mean ones that use the plot of people
crazy, chasing a fortune?
And then there are the just plain all-star comedies.
Well, Mike, in his infinite wisdom, and because he does deep preparation, has presented us with a list.
Yeah.
It's so often that plot lends itself to just piling one half-dead celebrity onto another.
You mean chasing the –
Chasing something.
Yes.
The MacGuffin.
Right, right, right.
Or in the case of The Finks, it can be about –
Well, tell us about The Finks.
Kidnapped Hollywood stars. Now The Finks, it can be about kidnapped Hollywood stars.
Now, The Finks, P-H-Y-N-X, is a movie I've been looking for for years.
It's not easy to find.
Only somebody had sent you one.
Yeah.
I wish.
I was asking people to send me if they could find it.
And then finally somebody sent me it.
And the minute I got it, I looked at it right away.
Really?
And I watched it today.
It was burning a hole in the box.
Today.
And the Finks, it's basically like the only way I can describe it,
if after the monkeys went off the air, if at the last minute they said, well, we'll
bring you back for 15 more seasons, this would be the monkeys in the 15th episode.
Wow.
It was a bad monkeys.
But let me find you the page because it's just too many.
Here it is.
The first page.
Here, here, here.
The Finks, 1970.
And first of all, we have Mike Kellan.
Who the hell is Mike Kellan?
Mike Kellan.
Oh, if you saw him, you'd know him in a second.
Mike Kellan?
Oh, my God.
How could you not know Mike Kellen?
Have you ever seen the horror film Sleepaway Camp?
No.
Okay, well, listen.
I'm not a slasher guy.
And he was in that movie I recommended once, The Incident.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, the Tony Musante movie?
Yeah, he's like a big guy.
Midnight Express.
He's Billy's father.
Oh, now I know who he is.
Kind of like an old...
He's like, we drink booze, you smoke that shit.
I got it.
Didn't know his name.
So Mike Kellen is a fine actor.
He was a very talented actor.
And in here he plays a character who runs like the CIA, who they call Bogey.
Oh, great.
called bogey. Oh, great. So Mike Kellen is walking around doing the worst Humphrey Bogart imitation you've ever heard in your life. But just let me read off the cast. Go ahead. So it's Mike Kellen,
Michael Ansara, Joan Blondell, Martha Ray, George Tobias, Rich Little, Ed Sullivan, Georgie Jessel, Leo Gorsi, and
Hunts Hall, and they are wearing their Bowery Boys outfits, Edgar Valley, Harold Sakata, Busby Berkeley, Dick Clark, Xavier Cougar, the Lone Ranger and Tonto, Johnny Weissmiller, James Brown, Richard Pryor, Butterfly McQueen. I'm sold. Rhonda Barrett.
Rona Barrett.
Rona Barrett, I mean.
Guy Lombardo, Dorothy Lamar, Ruby Keeler, Clint Walker, and Joe Lewis.
And one star I left out.
Big, big celebrity
Colonel Sanders.
He also left out Pat McCormick.
Oh, Pat McCormick!
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It was, it's like I said, like the worst, it makes Head by the Monkees look like a great film
it is like if the
Monkees went on too
many seasons
one of those scenes where you were talking with Amy
Heckling about when the mobster gives a
college dissertation
so what it is is they have like the Monkees
type of band is going to go rescue
all these kidnapped Hollywood stars
and you know it's very much like the Hollywood era of like Mike Kellan say type of band is going to go rescue all these kidnapped Hollywood stars. Okay.
And, you know, it's very much like the Hollywood era of like the – like Mike Kellan say but not him particularly, of like the old actor with the love beads
and the narrow jacket.
Sure.
Groovy.
Yes.
Sure.
Like Bradshaw trying to be hip in Skadoo.
When Sammy Davis used to wear the narrow jacket.
Salt and pepper.
But there's a part where Dick Clark is assessing the band.
He's like, they're vile, they're disgusting, they're repulsive, and I love them.
They're like –
Like that's one of those scenes.
You're waiting for it to just say, and I love them.
It's a comedy.
Oh, and Pat O'Brien is in it.
And you're watching all of them and you're going, I wonder how many of these people know
their own names at this point.
The year is 1970.
It was Leo Gorsi's last movie.
Oh, God.
So these people on wobbly legs.
And they're dressed in the hats and the jackets.
Awful.
I mean, you know, Hunts Hall and Leo Gorsi
are showing the alcoholish.
Right.
It's a little like
Jessel at the end
with the military outfit
and the medals on.
Yeah.
But it does,
there is a scene
where they're all assembled
and it looks like
a Jack Davis.
The music.
The music is Lieber and Stoller.
Wow.
Yeah. And the musicer. Wow. Yeah.
And the music sucks.
I have it.
I have a copy because someone sent me one.
Yeah.
Unlike you.
And I have yet to watch it.
And you waited on it?
Directed by, who was the director?
I opened it right away.
Wow.
I forgot who directed it.
That's the Finks.
Because there's a song in it.
Tell me your sign.
And it's like, tell me your sign.
Don't make me wonder.
Tell me your sign.
What star are you under?
It's like, it's horrible.
Okay. So that's the Finks.
That's one that I've got to watch.
And I think it was shot in like Yugoslavia.
Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because right, they were kidnapped by communists.
Really?
Yes.
Yeah, Dorothy L'Amour and Georgie Chess.
I got it at home.
And Tarzan.
Now I've got to watch.
Martha Ray is supposed to faint at one point.
Now I've got to watch. And Martha Ray is supposed to faint at one point.
So she's standing on her feet, does like a fainting look on her face.
It immediately cuts to her lying on the floor and putting her head down.
It would have cut the whole falling over part, which would have killed her.
So that's the Finks.
Right.
And now tell us about Juan Tonton, the dog who saved Hollywood.
Well, that's like ten times the size of The Finks, but it's the same thing.
1976.
That would have been a great blurb.
Yeah.
Ten times the size of The Finks.
And this was directed by Michael Winner of the Death Wish franchise.
Yeah.
Not just Death Wish, but a lot of those really insane 80s Charles Bronson movies.
Right, right.
Including Death Wish 2.
Like Telefon.
No, no, Telefon's a Don Siegel movie.
That's a very good movie.
Is that Don Siegel?
That's a shame.
Yeah, no, no, he made Death Wish 3
with Eli Wallach and Martin Balsam,
and they're up in the Bronx.
Oh, that's right.
That's an amazing film.
Now, here's something funny with Death Wish 3.
They made a big deal that it was coming out that Bronson is back in New York.
Yes.
But most of it wasn't shot in New York.
No, it was shot in England.
It looks like the South Bronx, though.
They did a good job.
God bless Michael Winner.
But, yeah, no, and Martin Bolton was like, I brought back some machine guns from World War II.
And they take on the entire criminal element of the East Coast.
By the way, Michael Winner, when we had Dominic Chianese here and he was talking about working for an egomaniac director whose name he didn't want to mention.
Oh, my God.
It was Michael Winner.
There is my favorite scene in Death Wish 3.
I forget the actress.
Very pretty actress now past her prime.
I can't think of her as that.
And had to play the girlfriend of Bronson.
Where's Paul R. Research to look that up?
Death Wish 3, Paul.
Who was the actress?
Death Wish 3, the girl, blonde-haired girl.
He's working on it.
Go on.
Okay.
So he, of course, has to fall in love,
Bronson, so there'll be someone to get killed so he can go out and shoot people.
So there's a part where she's in her car and one of the thugs goes up and punches her in the face,
knocks her out, and turns the keys, and the car starts rolling.
And right before she wakes up, she screams, the car crashes, and explodes into flames.
Wow.
Oh, wait, he's coming.
Here he is.
Who's the actress?
Are we talking about Deborah Raffin?
Deborah Raffin.
Nice work, Paul.
Thank you, Paul.
So Deborah Raffin screams.
Thank you, sir.
Nice work, Paul.
So Deborah Raffin screams.
Thank you, sir.
And the car crashes into a gasoline truck and it goes boom and flames.
Bronson, at that point, it was like directing an animal.
It was like he walks out, looks, turns around, and walks away.
Like he had given up even pretending.
He cared at this point.
Death Wish 3 also had, this is another great movie trope, which was from the 80s.
The multiracial street gang.
Sort of punk rock, sort of new waves, and like roller disco.
There's always like one guy on roller skates.
Oh, yes.
Yes.
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Can't you see we're star perfection for the love of God.
So tell us about Juan Tonton, the dog who saved Hollywood.
I mean, the kid. Which I remember.
Oh, wait.
Before I forget.
Yes.
The guy in Death Wish 3, his name, it's.
Oh, the bad guy?
Yeah.
The actor?
The red-headed guy?
It sounded like it was like the name of the guy who used to do the Kraft commercials.
Red-haired guy in Death Wish 3.
The villain.
He sounded like the guy who used to do the Kraft cheese commercials.
That's not him, no.
No, he was the Betsy Billingshead guy.
No, the big tall guy. He had his head shaped, no. No, he was the Betsy Billington. No, a big tall guy.
He had his head shaped.
Martin Balsam, it's not him.
No.
Martin Balsam.
Gavin O'Hurley.
Hurley.
That's it.
Gavin O'Hurley.
Is he related to...
Dan?
You're thinking of Dan O'Hurley from the Halloween?
Yeah, was he related?
Maybe.
That's a good question.
Was he related to that?
Offhand, I don't know, but we'll find out.
Yes, we'll beat down those doors.
But once again, tell us about Wanton Ton.
Yes.
Starring a guy who was on our podcast.
That's right, Bruce Dern.
Obviously a spoof of Rin Tin Tin, the famous movie dog.
Yes, and the premise of the movie is that Rin Tin Tin,
Wanton Ton, and it was produced by Sir Run Run Shaw, too.
Really?
Yes, too. So it's like – Really? Yes. Yeah.
So Juan Tonton disappears and like a thousand, thousand-year-old Hollywood actors try to find Juan Tonton.
And the cast list – I mean it's an entire printed page.
Go ahead.
Knock a couple of them out for us.
Well, OK.
Give us the highlights of the cast.
OK.
So the main cast is Bruce Dern, Madeline Kahn, Terry Garr.
But then the cameos, another guest, Shecky Green.
Oh, Shecky.
Billy Barty, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, Georgie Jessel again.
Step and Fetch It.
Step and Fetch It.
Jack Carter, who almost was in this chair.
That one hurts again.
Hunts Hall, because that was not his last film, The Finks.
The Ritz brothers play cleaning women. Of course they do. It hurts again. Hans Hall, because that was not his last film, The Finks.
The Rich Brothers play cleaning women.
Of course they do.
And Andy Devine is probably on that one too. Andy Devine again.
And Dorothy Lamour.
And Joan Blondel.
Must have been the same casting agent.
And Keanu Bergen.
Oh, and Maury Amsterdam.
Johnny Weissmuller's back.
Yeah.
Oh, and Maury Amsterdam.
Johnny Weissmuller's back. Yeah.
Louis Nye, Ethel Merman, Dean Stockwell.
Wow.
I mean, it's just name somebody when they were in this moment.
Name somebody who was alive.
And this was a huge bomb.
Peter Lawford.
And Edgar Bergen.
Again.
Yeah.
Victor Mature, speaking of the monkeys.
So how did Juan Tonton turn out?
It was a giant flop.
It was a huge flop.
It was sort of like, remember the 70s?
We never asked Dern about it.
We should have asked him, yeah.
In the 70s, there was, after Benji, they would try to have, like, these animal-crazed movies.
So it was one of those.
They had, like, Juan Tonton dolls and things like that.
Like the movie Hormps with the camel.
I remember Hormps.
Oh, yes!
Yes!
Hormps.
And Matilda, the kangaroo, the boxing kangaroo.
With Robert Mitchum.
Oh, yes.
Oh, Matilda.
Oh, Lord.
Here's some good trivia on Wanton Ton.
This is the kind of stuff only Mike McPadden could come up with.
The Ritz brothers later appeared with Yvonne DiCarlo in the R-rated sex comedy Blazing Stewardesses.
Directed by Al Adamson of Dracula vs. Dracula.
Yeah, sure.
Now, wasn't, oh, I don't think it was Al Adamson, but who was his partner?
Sam Sherman.
Sam Sherman.
I heard that Sam Sherman, when the stooges were one inch from the grave.
That's what Blazing Stewardess is.
He developed it for the Stooges.
Oh, yeah.
And he had them to the set and everything.
There's a picture of Mo and Larry in the wheelchair.
And they were going to shoot with Joe Dorita.
And Larry was really out of it at that point.
shoot with Joe Dorita.
And Larry was really out of it at that point.
And when they just realized they couldn't do it, that they went and got the two surviving Ritz brothers who do a song and they're like old, broken, fat men in Hawaiian shirts.
I think one of them turns up in Silent Movie.
Oh, yes.
Yeah, he definitely does.
Harry, yeah. And I heard like with the Sam Sherman movie, you know, of course they had to take Larry out of the home.
Yeah.
The actor's home, yeah.
And they wanted to do a scene and you knew they were going to do that quick, fast-paced, you know, speed up the film.
Yeah.
That once he gets to this place and there's hot girls
around, he's speeding around
in the wheelchair.
Oh boy, what a tomato.
Yeah. All right, so we got time
in this episode for one more. Tell us about
Scavenger Hunt, 1979, which
is a close relative of
It's a Mad, Mad World. Yeah, it's
a horrible
film. As a kid, Mad World. Yeah. It's a horrible film.
As a kid, like, I saw the ad for it.
It said, so it was about a guy, this board game mogul.
And I said, oh, Vincent Price.
That sounds good.
And the name is Milton Parker.
Oh, God.
So it's like Clue meets.
Right.
So I was 10.
I was like, fuck you, Milton Parker.
So I was 10 and I was like, fuck you, Milton.
And my one attempt to watch it when I was like maybe 12, it gave me an immediate headache.
It was just a horrible movie.
And it was from the director of another all-star mega bomb, Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. Michael Schultz who made Car Wash.
Yeah, Car Wash, which was a good movie, a good all-star comedy.
Steve Martin, George Burns.
I have it.
It's terrible. Oh, God. I bought it, a good all-star comedy. Steve Martin, George Burns. I have it. It's terrible.
Oh, God.
I bought it thinking this is fun.
Alice Cooper.
Let me put it in, and it just made me depressed for a week.
But, I mean, he's Michael's.
He's kept working for the years.
Michael Schultz, yeah.
This was his follow-up.
And the cast of Scavenger Hunts.
Let's hear it.
Richard Benjamin.
James Coco.
Scatman Crothers.
Of course.
Cloris Leachman. Cleavon Little, Roddy McDowell, Robert Morley.
What a cast.
Now, he seemed to be around a lot in the 70s.
Who is killing the great chefs of Europe?
That's right.
Oh, Jacqueline Visser, George Segal.
Richard Mulligan, Tony Randall, Dirk Benedict, Stephen First.
Okay, he's around.
Richard Mazur.
He's around.
Yeah, Avery Schreiber.
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Wow.
Meatloaf, whose name I have tattooed on my knuckles.
And he does.
Carol Wayne, the tea time movie girl who drowned. Sure, she drowned, ironically.
Yeah.
And I just saw her in a movie called Surf 2.
Wow.
And Surf 2 is an amazing film.
Another Eddie Deason vehicle. Wow. And Surf 2 is an amazing film. Another Eddie Deason vehicle.
Okay.
Did you ever think you'd hear this expression, Eddie Deason vehicle?
Unless it was in reference to him parking cars at a restaurant.
But she plays the owner of a surf shop, and the movie came out like a month before she drowned.
Oh, no.
And who is the last person credited in Scavenger Hunt?
Pat McCormick as a carnival.
Pat McCormick.
Oh, tell us about Skatetown, USA.
You know, I kind of love Skatetown, USA.
It's kind of like those old big broadcast movies where it would just be like the gang is all gathered.
So Flip Wills is the host host it's about this roller palace and he just introduces
a bunch of acts but in between the acts are all these little comedy vignettes so like bill
kirkenbauer remember the stand-up comic used to do the baby being born yes yes he was actually one
of the few stand-ups to do saturday Live. Remember when they would occasionally have him? Yeah, he's around.
Funny guy.
He's like the guy that runs the concession stand.
He's trying to deal with Dorothy Stratton, the murdered playmate.
Oh, jeez. Well, she was still alive at that point.
And he just, he can't, she's too high.
I thought it was after she died.
It was.
SkateTown USA.
Yeah, Billy Barty. Joey Ross.
Joey Ross, Gil.
Ruth Buzzy.
Yeah.
Go on.
Maureen McCormick.
Patrick Swayze as the bully.
Murray Langston shows up.
Unknown comic.
Yeah.
And one of the things that's really funny is this.
So these acts come out.
So it's like a guy dressed as Uncle Sam on stilts and roller skates.
They're all pretty mediocre.
There's like a bunch of kids that come out.
You watched every one of these fucking things.
I saw this in the theater.
You're amazing.
You're amazing.
I saw this as a midnight movie a couple years ago.
You are a treasure.
These kids come out on roller skates and bounce basketballs.
You think, oh, they're going to do some Harlem Globetrotters tricks.
But they just bounce bounce basketballs. You think, oh, they're going to do some Harlem Globetrotters tricks, but they just bounce the basketballs.
So this must have come out right at the peak of those things like Xanadu.
And roller boogers.
And roller boogers.
Oh, my God.
It came out at the same time as roller boogers.
My God, yes.
You know what we'll do? If you're through talking about Skatetown USA, we'll break it
up into two parts.
Okay, terrific.
Because you have so much here. You want to say something else about Skatetown USA? We're going to, we'll break it up into two parts. Okay. You have so much here. You want to say something else
about Skatetown USA?
I certainly do.
Go ahead.
Joey Ross appears
in this film.
Yes.
And he had a very interesting
later career
in a bunch of,
not just this,
but sex comedies.
Oh, yeah.
One of which is
Slumber Party 57
with Debra Winger
who shows her
little wingers.
Rainbow Smith who is one of my favorite actresses,
and he plays the patrolman.
They think there's a cat burglar outside.
And he plays the cop who shows up,
and he does the full gun.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
With these naked girls.
Did you know that Joey Ross was reduced to doing these?
Oh, I think I saw clips of it.
And then the happy hooker goes to Washington.
Yes, with Joey Heatherton.
With Joey Heatherton, yes.
And then Gas Pump Girls.
He plays a mobster named Bruno.
Bless your heart.
And what that's about is
these hot chicks are like, oh, our Uncle Joe's
gas station is going out of business. We gotta help him.
And Uncle Joe is played by Hunts Hole
and that's his last film.
Oh, jeez.
So we've covered The Finks, which is Leo Gorsi's last film, and Gas Pump Girls.
Oh, and speaking of last jobs of anybody, there was that one, like, Bikini Island, I think it was called.
Right.
Or something.
Or the Bikini Shop. Bikini Beach. Car think it was called or something. Or the bikini shop.
Bikini Beach.
Car Wash.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And it was the last film of Frank Nelson.
Wow.
Yeah.
I didn't know this.
Wow.
And I met this guy who worked on it.
And he said no one there knew who Frank Nelson was except for this guy.
He was thrilled to see Frank Nelson.
And Frank Nelson one time came in and it looked like he was crying.
Oh, no.
Oh, my God.
And he had found out that day from his doctor that he was dying.
Jeez.
And he was working on this crap tits and ass.
Picking me up.
Do you remember the Frank Nelson joke from The Simpsons?
Okay.
Where he's doing this, yes!
And then Homer says to him, why do you talk that way?
And he says, because I had a stroke!
We're going to break this up, so we'll wrap this one for time,
and we'll bring McBeardo back because he's got more.
Bring this list with you.
He's got more ammo in the cannon
We haven't even gotten close to
touching some of these movies
And so we've been
talking to Mike McBeardo
McFadden
McPadden
See I thought I thought I got
I was concentrating on getting
666 right
instead of GGG So I fucked up his name.
Mike McBeero McPadden and his book is Heavy Metal Movies.
And it's a terrific book.
Thank you.
It's a great read.
Thank you.
We just gave one to Amy Heckerling.
Mike, thanks for doing this.
Thank you so much.
We'll have you back very soon.
Oh, yeah.
Can't wait.
I wish there was more time to discuss this list.
It's insane.
So this has been Gilbert and Frank's Amazing Colossal Obsessions with our guest, Mike McPatton.
Clearly the saddest episode we've ever done.
Thank you. saddest episode we've ever done. Colossal Obsessions
Colossal Obsessions