God Awful Movies - 111: GAM111 The Grim Reaper (Live from Austin)

Episode Date: October 3, 2017

This week, Eli, Heath, and Noah team up for an atheist review of "The Grim Reaper", the story of a preacher who refuses to do a funeral service for an unchurched kid unless he gets to point out that k...id is burning in hell for eternity. And is the protagonist. --- If you’d like so see us live, check out our latest tour dates here: https://scathingatheist.com/2017/05/01/god-awful-movies-world-tour/ --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our new ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

Transcript
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Starting point is 00:00:00 And Mom comes and Mom wakes up and she's like, Franky, Franky! And he's like, well, a fucking course. It's Frank, who? What other dead race car driver is walking into your room and ghost form in the middle of the night, Mom? She's like, Dale Earnhardt wonders in. I'm sorry, is this 332 Prickland? 233, I'm sorry. I have a lot of trouble with directions, that's what I'm doing.
Starting point is 00:00:27 I just... Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! That awful movie!
Starting point is 00:00:38 Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be best city in Texas say hello Austin. I gotta say I have heard a lot of great things about your city. I was pretty sure it was not going to live up to it and it totally did. A lot of bars. And of course, and the Uber driver seems so proud of that.
Starting point is 00:01:18 Every one of them is like we have bars. And then you can go from a bar to a bar on your way to a bar. I'm stealing Eli Spitz. I'm just going through Eli's notes and I'm gonna let say all of his jokes before he comes out. I've always wanted to do that. All right and of course joining me from stage right. Please welcome my good friend Heath and and his trusty scotch. Thanks Noah, glad to be here. Hello and welcome to the show. See, it's way easier than Eli makes it look.
Starting point is 00:01:57 So that first glass made it all the way out to the table there. You know, they have bars here. Just... Here. And of course, also joining us from stage left, given up for my bad friend Eli Bosnick. Yeah!
Starting point is 00:02:18 Yeah! Yeah! D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, like, he came in a winter mobile. You've embarrassed us. Have a little self respect. So I want to share something personal with all you guys is you take pictures of my humorous body. I had a realization backstage, and maybe a lot of you had it. Matt Dela Hunty is here, everybody. Yeah, right?
Starting point is 00:03:02 And when I first realized that I was an atheist, his show was part of that experience, was like curing those ideas so crystally put. And I remember I was 19, and I was, and he just like, there was this one episode that like totally blew my mind, and I turned to my girlfriend at the time, and I was like, I just want to shake that man's hand.
Starting point is 00:03:24 And... Ha ha ha ha ha. Thank you for the... Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Now it's weird you all saw my existence peaked. Ha ha ha ha. Now it's weird you all saw my existence peaked. I'm going to go change for a new reason.
Starting point is 00:03:54 All right, so while Eli is changing, and I'm getting just exactly the view I wanted, I had a couple of quick rules to go over. This is pretty important uh... it'll be pretty quick on normally i have a whiteboard for this but uh... and shit written on that whiteboard i don't want to explain to the t.s.a. so i just wrote it down when i got here uh... just a couple quick rules no running safety first no spitting no licking that goes for everyone
Starting point is 00:04:24 uh... licking, that goes for everyone. The shirts must be worn at all times. Obviously, we leave the ankle to the navel up to you. And this is one that Andrew asked me to add, late, nothing Eli says can be used against him in a court of law. And finally, very important, no feeding the performers pot brownies without their consent.
Starting point is 00:04:45 Now that's one of those things that you don't think you need to tell people, but apparently you do. And for the record, as an addendum to that, you have my consent. Also mine. Yeah, not this guy though. I want brownies, drugs. I want drugs. If you have that. All right, who looks like a troublemaker in the crowd? I need to give this to the uh, where is she? Where is she? I had that somebody all picked out. There she is.
Starting point is 00:05:15 Gevers, your drugs and we'll have six. Yeah, I know. Yeah, I know. You're thinking about breaking those rules. I know. I know. All right, so what do you guys think of Austin, huh? I like it, okay. You want me to explain why I like Austin first? You're gonna go first. Tell me the story. Yeah, I mean, it says in the notes that he's gonna go first.
Starting point is 00:05:32 You go first. I go first? Yeah. Okay. Good segue, thanks. Ha ha ha ha. Hello, hello. I like Austin.
Starting point is 00:05:41 Nice. It's been fun. I genuinely, I like the flavor of Austin. I've eaten this very well. In fact, like how many, you're vegan or vegetarian or whatever you do it? How many animal lives do you think you've saved because of that?
Starting point is 00:05:55 Oh, I've and that too. And he was like, you got a lot, friend. And he was like, don't, don't do this. You're just, there's a thin pane of glass and fear in atmosphere. My friend just put the brisket there and you have a bad day. And he was just like, oh, no. Backed away, went into the back. He was like, El Chupacrabra.
Starting point is 00:06:21 No. Backed away, went into the back, he was like, Alcuba Crabra! Ha! It's destiny! Bueno, es la bubileoteca! I mean, where's the library, because I don't speak a lot of Spanish. Not exactly, but you are close.
Starting point is 00:06:41 I'll tell you what I like about Austin. I've enjoyed your city. I like your Uber drivers. And let me tell you why, because they don't know that you're not, you're not supposed to talk. If you're an Uber driver, I don't know if you know this, because you're a servant, not a talking. Here's the thing, I paid you money to drive me a place.
Starting point is 00:06:59 We're not friends, right? That's not how it works. So you're supposed to not talk. But when they do, your Uber drivers have one thing they want to talk about folks and that is that your homeless people are all homeless recreationally that is all they want to oh man let me tell you these homeless people here they have it good they stand out in the burn and sun with a sun someone gives them a dollar it's the best life ever they're all doing it
Starting point is 00:07:24 they're all millionaires. Let me tell you every single Uber driver has told us that I keep expecting them to get out of the car after they drop us off and stand there with a sign. Be like, this is way more money, man. Boom. Take me to one of your multiple bars. Well, I'm going to give you a note, Austin. And we're going to talk about this Christian movie in a second because that's why you're here. I'm going to give you a note, Austin. And we're going to talk about this Christian movie in a second because that's why you're here. I'm going to give you a note, Austin.
Starting point is 00:07:49 You do not get to complain about your traffic. And let me tell you why, I live in New York City. If you get hit by a taxi cab in New York City, that's just Tuesday. You're just like, yeah, I got hit by a guy. Get my leg. Don't be a dick. Thank you. Just put it on.
Starting point is 00:08:04 You guys stop at a red light and you're like How long have we been here you step out of a 15 minute drive what year is this? I have a big white beard Can can we talk about the movie or did you should probably talk? Okay, all right. So, we let you guys just want me to riff for the rest of the show. Yeah! Don't encourage him. My job is hard enough already. But every you stand by, he labbles.
Starting point is 00:08:40 So quick while we still can, tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? All right, we watched the grim reaper. And where's Cynthia? I'm about to steal a joke from Cynthia. Front row, nice. Cynthia, this is your joke. This better fucking workout. This better be funny. Everybody better think this crushes.
Starting point is 00:09:01 We watched the grim reaper. It's the story of a stroked-out eyeball trying to outact a set of terrified eyebrows and convert them to Christianity. Right? Oh, right. That would have been awkward for you. Good. I wrote my own joke because I'm key. Good I wrote my own joke because I'm key Well speaking of which Eli how bad was this movie? Well if you love Halloween adventure, but you think Halloween will send you the hell You will love this movie. This is 50% costume party 50% shaking back and forth in the seminary. That's exactly what this is
Starting point is 00:09:46 This is a nightmare Roy Orbison had one time. I'm just saying Cynthia's joke on a way better. Yeah, way better. Yeah, way better. Yeah, I'm here. Come on, I'm Cynthia. We're booting them. So. All right. Is there anything you guys want to nominate? This one for being the best to be in the worst stat? I would best worst squirmy, not actor people trying to act and squirming. Everybody's constantly like, where do my hands go when I act? Do they, poke my eye?
Starting point is 00:10:15 Am I doing this acting? Do go, they have no idea what to do. It's a lot of squirming, a lot of squirming. So, yeah, there's a lot of people in this movie seem like, like they have to like move their head to get enough air to come out of their mouth to make a word, right? No kind of it constantly be going like, well. Everyone in this movie went to the acting school
Starting point is 00:10:36 of Keep Eye Contact with Michael J. Foxx. It's just. Ha ha. Six. Six. Ha ha. Ha ha. He just passed away, you guys, really? No, like 60 seconds ago, Google it.
Starting point is 00:10:51 Jeff, don't Google anything at work. No, yeah. Things get way less true that Eli says when you Google them. Now, I had two best worst. Now, the best worst that I first had was the best worst inciting incident. But I don't want to tell, I want to save that for the movie. So I'm, instead, I'm going to go with the best worst costuming.
Starting point is 00:11:11 Now the costuming in this movie was done by the director's wife. She certainly got that job by merit. It's honestly, it's basically like, you imagine if you go to like the Christian bookstore and you bought the Roman helmet, that's the costuming for this fucking movie. It's insane. You have any best words, Eli? I wanna go with best worst dying words.
Starting point is 00:11:35 Ha ha ha. Guys, there are basically the dying words of one of the characters in this movie is basically, fuck you Jesus. Ha ha ha ha. And then he goes for the crowd surface, he's like, yeah. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, okay, I'm dead now.
Starting point is 00:11:54 I teabagged for everyone at home. I was teabagging Jesus, and I want the complaints. Teabagging Jesus, listen for it. You can picture it, Jesus is beneath me. Google me, and I see K, and then it's just, me on top of Jesus, and you should've come to the show, but I don't need the tweets. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:12:15 All right, well, just to be on the safe side here, before we get things going, we're gonna step in the back and have Eli's stomach pumped once, been twice shy. So we're gonna take a quick break and when we come back, we'll descend into all the high school play, costuming and set design that is the Grim Reaper. Woo!
Starting point is 00:12:33 Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! We're in game, my boy.
Starting point is 00:12:41 Hey, Dad. You ready to head to the big race? I sure am. Now, did you do your homework? Uh-huh. And have you broken God's law? Hey hey hey you want to be cool like your dad don't you? Yeah. Which means what? Not accepting mercy from an evil God. That's right, my boy. Now grab your copy of the God delusion and let's get out of here, huh? No. Racing.
Starting point is 00:13:11 Hey, folks. Want to take a minute to tell you about this week's sponsor, Beachbody on Demand. Beachbody on Demand is an online fitness streaming service that gives you unlimited access to a wide variety of highly effective world class workouts personalized to meet your needs plus extensive nutritional content all proven to help people achieve their health and fitness goals. With step-by-step program guides workout calendars comprehensive nutrition plans and innovative portion control focus cooking show fixate and the motivation and support of a growing community. Beachbody on demand is the total package. And as regular listeners know, just about a month ago to show that we support the products we advertise, we promise that Eli would follow one of beach
Starting point is 00:13:52 bodies programs. And I got to be honest, our plan was for Eli to fail hilariously. It sure was Noah. Sure was. And which one did you do, Eli? The 21 day fix. And how did that work out did you do Eli? The 21 day fix and how did that work out for you Eli? I lost 18 pounds Noah lost 18 pounds Wow
Starting point is 00:14:12 That Takes all the air out of that joke doesn't it sure does sure does But but on the bright side it does mean that heath has to do a program this month while I do right side, it does mean that heath has to do a program this month while I do 21 day fix. Yeah, veto. I declare a very strong vote. One vote. Nope.
Starting point is 00:14:31 Overall, two votes. All right, but I'm sure the folks at home are wondering how you did it. So can you give them a preview? Okay, so my problem in the past with workout programs is you've always needed either a ton of space and time or like fancy gym equipment, but this was just 30 minutes a day. There was a modified version of every exercise on every workout. So I never felt overwhelmed or just stopped and watched a 19 year old do things that was
Starting point is 00:14:55 physically incapable of doing. I felt like I could follow along and I could stream the workouts to all of my devices. So usually I just downloaded to my phone and workout wherever I wanted to. I did workouts in the fitness center at our hotel and Austin, I did workout in the park. And because there's not a ton of equipment required for the program I did, I was able to do it every day and keep up with the program.
Starting point is 00:15:16 Awesome. So as promised this month, Heath will be doing a program of Eli's choosing Eli. What'll Heath be doing? Well, as hilarious as it would be for me to have him do one of their super advanced programs like P90 X or insanity, I'm going to have him do three week yoga retreat. And if you'd like to join in on the fun, this is a brand new service, but it's already got a million members.
Starting point is 00:15:40 So just text awful to 30 30 30 again 30. Again, that's awful to 30, 30, 30, 30 and get access to the full platform for free. Beach Bonnie on demand. So good. We ended up doing real ads for them. I'm not wearing yoga pants. I don't think where would I tell you to wear And we're back for the breakdown and we have to set up the most unforgivably fucked up conflict in the history of storytelling. But before we do that, we're going to look at a bunch of ugly people at a church. Oh my goodness, the organist who everyone who is here at the live show just saw was the very first picture. She looks like she's being followed, but she's kind of okay with it.
Starting point is 00:16:27 Like she's like, oh, I'm being followed. I was all alone and I, oh, but he's kind of cute. Is that Idris Elba? Of the watch tower? We also have the lady who looked like Princess Leia just took off her motorcycle helmet. We had like, two'm scared by a ghost. Yeah, Betty White who chose poorly. Yeah. Everyone's hair looks like a helmet.
Starting point is 00:16:50 Yes. It's all like Magneto helmet. Like it's the hair like curls in and covers the nose and the ears like a rope. It's very defensive hair. You get like plus five hit points for 70s hair. Yes. Also, okay. you get like plus five hit points for 70s. Also, okay, so and they're they're
Starting point is 00:17:08 panting this crowd of church goers and they're supposed to look bored because they're waiting for the pastor, but that's just what people in church look like, right? So we have a lot of trouble figuring out what the hell's going on. Except eventually somebody goes, where's the preacher? I don't know. Oh, oh, so this is the part where we see this for quite a while and everybody's wearing pastel blue suits. So it's very easy not to realize that you're looking at a funeral.
Starting point is 00:17:37 Apparently back in the 70s, that's we did past the 1970s. Oh, the 1970s. Everyone was a couch But now that we've established the all important people are waiting at a church thing We have to cut away from the film to talk to meet our narrator Which is kind of odd that he comes in after the opening scene But he starts off he starts going like over the last hundred years There's been a bunch of Jesus pervert and cults that deny his divinity and deny his resurrection.
Starting point is 00:18:10 And he explains, yeah. That's for the cult. Yeah, that's for the cults. Hell yeah, for the cults. There's some good cultists out there. So here is an occult tonight. How many cults? How many cults?
Starting point is 00:18:21 How many cults? But in case you're curious, if you ever wondered why it is that we deny the divinity of Jesus, this movie does clear that up. We are controlled by evil spirits as it turns out. And we're all gonna burn in hell, so we'll see you there. And we should point out, this narrator looks like a cut character
Starting point is 00:18:41 from Dana Carvey's Master of Disguise. He looks like Dana Carvey was like, what if there was a guy who got hairplugs to look more like an accountant who lost a bunch of weight too quickly? And they were like, no, Danny, you can't do that one. And he kind of looks like Richard Nixon, but like without the lumps, like creamy,
Starting point is 00:19:00 like creamy Nixon, if there was chunky and creamy, he'd be the creamy one. Like if Nixon got bit by a bunch of bees, but it cured the lumps instead of made the lumps, that's what he looks like. A lot of people don't know this creamy Nixon was a candy bar in the 1970s. Excuse me, Mr. How much is a creamy Nixon? Just a nickel. We all knew the price. We thought it would be a nickel.
Starting point is 00:19:26 Oh, so I find this line to be a little bit odd. The narrator turns to us and starts telling us about the motion picture we're about to see. As though this isn't. Was this not the movie? Yeah, I'm not in the fucking movie. What's happening? This is like pre-come the movie.
Starting point is 00:19:42 I don't know. So the viewers at home were like, why are all these people in my house? You don't hunch their cooking. They look bored. They're all wearing their nested hair helmets. Hair mits. So the narrator warns us, this movie is about to be fucking harsh y'all.
Starting point is 00:20:05 And then we cut back to the church where nothing continues to happen. And this is where we get the most ass fucked conflict in cinematic history. We have two people at the front row and they're whisper yelling at each other because they don't know how to mic this properly so the people are actually whispering with this. And so the lady turns to her husband and she goes, what's happening? And the husband turns to her and she says, the preacher said he won't preach the funeral.
Starting point is 00:20:31 And it's like, why are you still sitting here then if you know that? But then we cut to the pastor's study where they're discussing why he won't preach the funeral. And it's because the dead kid whose funeral it is, it is, is in hell and his parents want the preacher to not mention that during the funeral. He will not not mention that. No, no, no.
Starting point is 00:20:58 No refuses to not. No. What's more, he'll be the good guy. Yeah. The protagonist of this movie goes, look, if I'm going up there, I'm mentioning that your kid is burning in fire forever. I don't even know, I don't half-ass my job.
Starting point is 00:21:12 I'm not walking up, oh, where could he be? There's his body. I wonder where his soul is. No, I shoot straight from the hip, your kid's burning in fire forever. Could you just do it without, like, mentioning Heaven or Hell to all? Could you just do it without mentioning having her held it all? Could you just do the last one? I'll run my sermon by you.
Starting point is 00:21:28 You tell me if you like. Okay, how does it go? He's in hell. Can I try it for a second time? Try it one more time. Brothers and sisters. Oh my. Okay.
Starting point is 00:21:39 We gather here today. This is pretty good. He's in hell. And I love the dad's reaction to this is not like, come on man, don't be a dick, it's, well what about purgatory? Yeah. He starts bargaining, he's like, oh come on,
Starting point is 00:21:53 can we just say like, can you do like coffee and how it's purgatory, maybe we're not sure. No. No. I want to debt to slide a piece of paper that said purgatory across the tables over here. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:22:04 Slides one back that says, ass raped and hell. Not gonna work for me. And of course, the breaches like, what do you want of them filthy Catholics? It doesn't say nothing in the Bible about pergatory, which would be great if they, if the rest of the movie stuck with shit that it does say in the Bible, but it also doesn't say anything about monkey demons in the Bible. And you saw one of those already. So so dad's very pissed. He kind of wishes he'd gone to big choice video instead. Yeah, he's like, all right, this is ridiculous. We're going, we're taking the funeral down the street.
Starting point is 00:22:39 Yeah, grab the corpse, honey. We're getting out of here. They like, he just believes. Grab the corpse honey, we're getting out of here. They like, he just believes. Like, all right, I'm gonna talk to your manager later. We'll circle back to this, but we are bringing this corpse. I hit this head against the door. There's just a 20 minute thing. Hit it. No, you, you, you, you, my left, my left. You, my left.
Starting point is 00:22:58 I, you're hitting the corpse again. Don't hit it. You're still doing it. Don't hit his hair, helmet. All right, if I had a dollar for every time, I've heard he sayed say to Eli, you're hitting the corpse again. You're kidding me.
Starting point is 00:23:09 John, but no. But no, stop. All right, there we go. So. She's easy to get through doors though, to be fair. It's a pair to this guy. Tell me about it. Just smaller.
Starting point is 00:23:22 It occurs to me that we haven't really painted a visual picture of mom up to this point. I think mom looks like maybe one of the twins from the shining grew up. Okay. Yeah. All right. Like she's about to like interrupt like like cyclists. It's not like bicycle ride, but like a cyclist like Lance Armstrong. I have a note on Dad here. dad looks like Ron Pearlman is about to be evidence in the Scopes Monkey Trial. I love to because they come up with like a possible out for this whole thing because the preacher won't not talk about how the kids in hell, but it turns out they have another
Starting point is 00:23:58 son, they have a living son who is also a preacher. And they're like, well, maybe our other son can do the funeral. He's like, no, I also know that he's in hell. I would also say that. Exactly. And for those who follow along, the son is played by the guy who got in the car crash, but didn't get his head cut off in burning hell. Burning hell.
Starting point is 00:24:20 So it's not the same universe. It's not Marvel. I was really excited. I was creating, I had a whole board on my wall connecting friends and twirling them around with us, different character. And he has, we need to point this out because it's really distracting. A dead eye?
Starting point is 00:24:35 Yes. I think it's the way it is. Well, I mean, it's alive. Is it? I mean, I feel like the character had like a minor stroke and then his eye had like three major strokes of its own. Just the eye. It's all the way lazy.
Starting point is 00:24:48 It's super late. Like Tim's left eye is like leaning on a shovel at a union site, like doing that. It's like an Austin homeless person. He's got a cardboard sign on I-35 exit ramp. Absolutely. Oh, and I steal your joke by the back. You did.
Starting point is 00:25:03 It's cool. Oh, sorry about that. No, it's right there in the notes. Yeah, well, you know, I'm reading, I'm reading. I'm reading. No, I'm not. So. I'm trying. It's deep cut.
Starting point is 00:25:11 So, so the dad is again, still arguing with the preacher. He's like, well, show me in the Bible where it says, my son's in hell. Like it's going to have a fucking guest list. Because the preacher goes, it doesn't name specific people in hell, but how awesome would that be? You gotta admit, Matt Show would be way worse. I mean, this is a 3,000 year old book and it's got my phone number in it. I was going to point out at the end of this whole thing, the argument that these guys have, the mom is eventually super pissed, not at the preacher who refuses to not say her son
Starting point is 00:26:01 is in hell, but at her husband for arguing with him. For arguing, she's like, can't you just be polite to the preacher, her son is in hell, but at her husband for arguing with him. For arguing, she's like, can't you just be polite to the preacher, our son's in hell, but you're re-thing your voice. It's the 1970s. It is way more important not to raise your voice. There will be no yelling until 2001. On September 11th, how dare you laugh at that?
Starting point is 00:26:22 That's the first time we yelled as a nation. So the preacher goes out now to fight. He's finally been convinced to deliver his eulogy, but he's going to do the, your kids in hell, eulogy come hell or high water. So he comes out and he's basically like, you all new, Frankie. Don't be like that little shit. As his eulogy. Yes. And here's the subtle, because he's the protagonist. Don't be like that little shit. As his eulogy. Yes!
Starting point is 00:26:45 And here's the subtle, because he's the protagonist. So of course, he's going to be nice about it. His subtle way is like, well, he's dead, and hopefully we all realize that we're all going to die. And I sure hope no one here ends up in hell. Grieving dad of his center says, what? What? What?
Starting point is 00:27:07 What? Crazy. Exactly. Everyone step forward if you're going to have a not-so-fast all in you. No, just the dead guy didn't move. And then now maybe this... Maybe this is just a thing I don't understand. Open casket funerals. Is this a thing?
Starting point is 00:27:28 Oh, yeah. That's weird. Why do you do that? Is it for a sex thing? That is the only... If someone was like, I want to see my husband one more time and I want to give him a little little, no, no, no. And then I'm going to get out of here.
Starting point is 00:27:43 I'd be like, you know, what with the rigor mortician, all like, yeah. Exactly. But you just stare at the dead person and you're like, because in jujism, we just put them in the ground because they're gone now. That's how. But the preacher announces this.
Starting point is 00:28:01 He says, and I'm not making this up. He says, the family would like to view the body And they would appreciate if you would remain seated while they do does that mean that one guy was like the family's gonna view the body and So now we cut to a quick flashback we have to we have to meet the dead kid well He's still alive so we watch uh we're we cut to dad quick flashback. We have to, we have to meet the dead kid, well, he's still alive. So we watch, we're, we cut to dad and the son watching TV together. The TV, by the way, will absolutely drown out the dialogue in this scene. Every scene with background noise, that will be the case. And when there's not background noise, they'll have a soundtrack to deafen you.
Starting point is 00:28:39 But apparently they're watching a football game instead of going to church. Mom and the good son show up fresh from church, but the bad son and dad have just been drinking beers and watching the devil's ball. They should have fantasy church, maybe even more people would go. There you go. You draft pastors and you get points for like rape acquittals.
Starting point is 00:29:00 I don't know. What would you get points for? You'd need like a saber metric system in that game a lot Yeah, Andrew get on that Metrics, it's a baseball thing. It's not a football thing. Yeah, but it's lots of points I give and I give you like tell us more about sports instead. Let's talk about this this movie So they say to the mom in the in the good son come in and they're like, you really should have gone to church with us.
Starting point is 00:29:29 It was a phenomenal sermon. And Frankie turns to him and says, I'll go to church. When dad does him a right dad, him a right, him a right, him a right. Oh yeah. It's like a zinger. It's a weird dad at this moment where he's like, that's my boy. And I just wrote in my notes, yeah, so many kids are peer pressured out of their churches
Starting point is 00:29:48 by their parents. I mean, you all were peer pressured out of your church by your parents. You just, your dad's always talking your hair off. Are you going to the next Sam Harris event? Ah, dad. Let it go. I do not be a preacher at your wedding.
Starting point is 00:30:02 Your mother will cry or eyes out. I know, dad, I know. You just expect him to grab Jesus and give him nookies at a certain point in this. Yeah, the whole thing's just like, hello, welcome to atheist characters. We are atheist characters. I'll have a beer, some cigarettes,
Starting point is 00:30:16 handful of meth. Like, he might as well have like one of those helmets for beer with like a fetus on each side. And he's drinking a fetus blood in a little hoses. Like, it's... Patreon goal. New Kickstarter right there. One of those in a baptism dress.
Starting point is 00:30:32 So, okay. And then mom, of course, offers to cook dinner because it's 1976 and she's mom. And dad says, no, that's all right. I'll just get another beer. Because that's what Atheus have for dinner beer Perhaps Blue Ribbon well, yeah, I mean, you know some Atheus Oh, third of this day Scotch whatever also the guy who's playing Frankie has the most bizarre wide open eyes
Starting point is 00:30:59 He's watching a football game, but he's watching it like you would watch two girls one cup. It's just Cheering I want you to football game, but he's watching it like you would watch two girls one cup. It's just cheering. No. I watch it differently. You know how some people watch scrubs when they go to sleep and they kind of, you just like fall asleep because you already know it. It's different for me. But yeah, this is where Tim and Frankie, who's dead at the beginning of the movie, have their like, they also dim talk ask me in time and I like dance. So he's like,
Starting point is 00:31:28 Frankie, you really should have come to church. And Frankie's like, what's the matter with you? He's like, the eye is reaching the rest of my body. Please, Frankie, shoot me in the heart with something. I don't know what's going on. So he's like, you're saying I come to church and he goes, not for me, dude, I guess I'm not that religion. I'm going with big engines, big cars, big tracks, and big money. You thought he was gonna say like big dicks
Starting point is 00:32:00 and big dicks, right? I thought he was gonna say big dicks. Like transformers,ers fucking each other. Right, absolutely. Absolutely. That's our other Kickstarter. Sounds poor. I think that's already out there.
Starting point is 00:32:15 So yeah, so mom looks accusatory at dad for condemning their, their kids to hellfire. We cut back to the funeral for a second. But then we have another flashback. We have to watch Frankie die So it turns out Frankie was a race car driver much like Jesus and And and this is how bad this movie they have stock footage of Like NASCAR from 1976 and they show Frankie driving and he's turning multiple directions
Starting point is 00:32:45 Which doesn't make fucking say I guess that's why he wrecks later and dies is because he's making a right. Classic mistake, you don't make rights in that sport. I also, I love they have the announcers and the announcers have nothing to say here except for Frankie Pierce is in the lead, Frankie Pierce is the main, the dead kid. And so they say that like five times, Frankie Pierce is still in the lead. Still Frankie. I know it's Frankie again. times Frankie Pierce is still in the lead. Still Frankie. And it's Frankie again. And which, I mean, to me, like if you made me announce NASCAR,
Starting point is 00:33:10 that's exactly how it would sound. I don't need to be here. There's still the talking right. It's the car that comes in first, the one that's at the front. I'll tell you how to do this. This is a fun little trick. Look to the front, that one's winning. So NASCAR, ladies and gentlemen.
Starting point is 00:33:25 But this is 1970s NASCAR. See today, the cars are all slick and thin, and modern, and people have seat belts, but this is just when they took a boat, made a steel, they put one wheel on it, and they just shoved it down a hill. And they're smashing into each other. The drivers are smoking and sitting on the roofs.
Starting point is 00:33:45 There's a better, simpler time. A guy's making something in a waffle iron inside his car. Gently pouring batter. Don't want to spill on the lap. Turn. So everybody starts wrecking. And the first car we see wrecked, I wanna know how the fuck this happens.
Starting point is 00:34:07 The car is upside down and spinning like this. I don't see an unintentional way you can do that and I don't know that I see an intentional way. So there's no ways. Yeah, no, I mean, they did it obviously for this movie, but I feel like they had to launch it out of cause some kind of special cannon of some sort. You feel like that guy started upside down, some kind of special Canon of some sort.
Starting point is 00:34:25 You feel like that guy started upside down, like he just didn't get NASCAR that day. He just like got in the car upside down. And he was like, all right, everyone pushed the bottom. Did I win? But now Frankie Pierce is in trouble too. So he wrecks his edit on his wreck is ridiculous. Like first, like the car's flipping over and, you know, just flipping all different directions,
Starting point is 00:34:51 it explodes and then they cut to him steering again. Yes. And then it crashes a different place and explodes again. Explodes again. Differently. And like a different universe, it's a different time of day. And apparently during the wreck,
Starting point is 00:35:08 someone gut shot Frankie. He's got him in the chest. He's just the only evidence of injury is read on his chest. Yeah, here. So all the, all the menics rush up to him to take care of him. And the, the, the, the, the men medic pulls out his stethoscope because that's all that was the basically the whole trick in nineteen seventy six that's all they had i might be dying of bronchitis after the
Starting point is 00:35:32 emotion so you check it's not i get it i get it it was weezing and i love it so everybody standing over them dad and everybody and dad says you're gonna be all right frankie and the doctors like you are a fucking liar man there is no chance in hell. That's just got like a Martinez scars. Like walking off from dirt and whatever you're proud of.
Starting point is 00:35:52 That's my boy. Bratel blows everyone for freckles. So I believe in Paris. I believe in Paris. I believe in college, dad. So how would your parents get you up? All right. So now also, good brother, the preacher brother
Starting point is 00:36:11 is standing over top of me as he dies. And he needs to turn him to Jesus, obviously, because he's about to die. So he turns to his brother Frank, and he's like, Frank, this is your last chance, except Jesus. And Frank, he goes, oh, except Jesus, when dad does. Right, Sam, right dad. He goes, right dad and dad, who sees his dying son does.
Starting point is 00:36:35 Fucking egg son, fucking egg. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. I teabagged again, that's called a callback everyone at home. You got to picture me, Google, image, but he's doing it to his dead son.
Starting point is 00:36:50 But yeah, dad doesn't even dad's like that was too far. You know, I was really enjoying your show. But when Frank, he's dad teabagged him, I thought to myself, I'm not sure you're in the best taste here at God of Heaven. I have my lines. And also based on his death rattle, I'm assuming he died of a butt orgasm or something. Ooh! Say!
Starting point is 00:37:23 That is exactly what a butt orgasm sounds like if you've never heard one before. And you could see every face in the audience that recognized it. Yeah, it is. I got a really good butt orgasm. Get yourself a butt orgasm, people. Wait, let me check. Can I recommend people to get a butt orgasm? Because apparently, autocratic asphyxiation is a joke and breaking the
Starting point is 00:37:47 law is super dangerous thing to recommend live on air. Which is why this part doesn't make it into the show either. For those of you at home who are wandering, Eli is masturbating while choking himself right now. So yeah, I'm still wearing it. The rest of the show, I want you to just picture it still here. I'll get up.
Starting point is 00:38:21 Oh, sorry. No more physical bits. So Frank. So Franky dies. And so now we pass forward. Do you need a minute? Okay. So I'm normally utilize buddy for that. I'm keeping track. You need a spot. You need a spotter. You always need a spotter. We're not allowed to recommend that either our way, Andrew. What? You don't need a spotter. You always need a spotter. We're not allowed to recommend that either our way, Andrew. What, you don't need a spotter? You don't need to do it in the face. This is the worst lawyer.
Starting point is 00:38:50 This is the worst. Oh my god. This is the problem. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.
Starting point is 00:38:57 Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. make it to his birthday.
Starting point is 00:39:05 I got caught on my news as I went to yell at my lawyer. And it's not the first time I've done that. Or said this on air. So we're at the cemetery. We are at the cemetery. Thank you, Eli. Usually when you say we're at the cemetery. I'm not just happy button I'm usually texting you to pick me up. Yeah, I'm saying
Starting point is 00:39:28 I cut my pants on the fence again. Can you come in? It's not her. It's just a different child beauty queen so he's just Shad like leukemia or something I want to go home Too far huh that's I'm so glad that you eventually showed up. That was nice of you. So your dad is my boss. We pretend he's not, but he is. I don't think you know how Nese's in nephews work. Dad's thing is not. I was going to say dad is not. He's not.
Starting point is 00:39:55 He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not.
Starting point is 00:40:03 He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not pretend he's not, but he is. I'm, you don't, I don't think you know how Nisha's in that fewest work. Oh, dad's thing is not. I was gonna say, don't tell him about the boss thing. It's better. This is not Game of Thrones. She's my sister.
Starting point is 00:40:13 Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. It's Texas, right? So, boo. So, the answer to that was, is there a strong anti-incest feeling now in Texas? This is Austin, this is not Texas. So, yes, yes.
Starting point is 00:40:33 So mom is at the cemetery visiting with Frank. This is apparently about four months after the funeral. And her other son, the living son, the good pastor, son walks up behind him and he's like, mom, and she looks right at the ground and says Frankie Do you want out of your box? No mom. I'm the living Sun behind you over here. She's like oh fuck right and he's basically like she's like Oh, I miss your brother. He's like I know very sad you gotta get over it and she goes but when he died He said my name. Do you think maybe...
Starting point is 00:41:06 Spiritualism would help? Well, and then the sun gives the most stupid fucked up answer because he's like, no spirit. If you talk to him through spiritism, you'll go to hell and she's like, so it would work. So black magic is real, lawyer, exactly. Literally what actually goes, wait, so you're saying spiritualism is real and he's like Technically, yeah, it works, you know, it's not
Starting point is 00:41:35 Please son, please can I communicate I wanted to use an evil tube magic. No, no I wanted so badly for the next scene for you to just naked mom with like nipple clamps on, just sacrificing a goat over a golden bull. All right, here we go. Agurame, Agurame, Tim walks in mom. I've got friends coming over. Da, da, da, da, da, da, da. So yeah, she says, she's the sun says,
Starting point is 00:42:04 well, yes, mom, it works works but talking to the dead is dangerous and i just heard elia in the in the back of my had gone i wasn't talking to her but apparently that is also looking for a way to come in with with the dead because this is where we're gonna meet and i can't remember who who said this at the uh... platinum night last night, but we meet Zoltar from big. That was yours. Yes.
Starting point is 00:42:28 Yes. Absolutely. This guy is about to leave this set and make Tom Hanks big. Or is I call him every magician ever? But yeah, so that the dad is asking this swami guy who is, they're going for, I don't know if they're going for a particular religion, or if they just know like different religion as a broad category here. Or it's just all of them.
Starting point is 00:42:53 It's just like, it's from like our lady of all the other evil ones. Like, he's the bad guy. He's dressed up with like a little piece of something for every other culture and religion. Like everything but blackface. He might as well, he's really close. He got a turban on his Yamaka.
Starting point is 00:43:09 Yeah. So, but he's asking, dad's asking him about talking to the deads, and he's like, is it dangerous? He's like, no, shit, I do it all the time. The important thing though is you have to talk your wife and your son into it in order for it to work. And he's like, well, my wife isn't gonna have autonomy
Starting point is 00:43:28 for another like 15, 18 years, it's 76. But my son, I don't know. And then, and then the swam, he's like, oh, don't worry about your son, I'll talk him into it. But just as he's saying that, the son walks in and he's standing right behind him. So he's like, don't worry, I'll talk your son into it. The son's like, not so bad.
Starting point is 00:43:47 And it's supposed to be him giving the guy a talking to. But first of all, he's just like, I was in a little bit, so it's not authoritative. But the other thing is, it's like watching two kids talk about who would win in a fight between Gandalf and Dumbledore. But full grown adults just like, well, it's pretty obvious that when Dumbledore
Starting point is 00:44:11 dies, he stayed dead, bitch. Oh, you shall not pass. So he has this back and forth with Dr. Akumran, that's Zoltar's name in this movie, and he's like, so what church do you belong to Dr. Akumran? He's like, all of them. He's like, oh, really? What's the name of the church? What's the name of all the churches? Is that what you just said? But he reacts like that was a normal question.
Starting point is 00:44:42 He's like, the church, all the religions together all messed up in my head start naming them start with the a's then he goes do you believe the bible is the inspired word of god to which doctor cumeron tries to hedge his fucking back he's like sort of to a certain extent. What would he do it certain all the way up to about halfway through Exodus. It's like Shakespeare and Francis Bacon. There's no one to know who wrote what.
Starting point is 00:45:13 You have no idea. Now, so you can come back Eli. I won't let him say it again. Yeah, so they have their little doctrine off or whatever. And finally, Dr. Kumron gets so pissed off that he storms out of there. And he has this amazing moment, Tim, right before he leaves, he goes, let me tell you something, Dr. Kumron. Everyone who speaks to the dead is one of two that you got a picture of dead bird on my face, trying to escape to really is one of two things. Either you're a fraud or you're a human being infested with demons.
Starting point is 00:45:54 And all of our notes are, yeah, that is one of those two things. God bless it. You are correct. Either you're a fraud or you're a Nutella statue that was brought to life That child's dying wish From leukemia See you're warming up to it. So Woman I'm up to look camey and Joe
Starting point is 00:46:24 So yes, so Dr. Kumeron rushes off and then the family all sits down for tea to discuss dad's terrible idea of trying to talk to the dad. He throws this guy out of the house and hums instant responses, who's hungry? What's a snack? So, they go to have tea and for some reason they go to have a tea at this very low table. So distracting to me, everybody's sitting like hovering over the table like this. And the T-pot is like seven feet tall. It looks like a huka. Yes.
Starting point is 00:46:52 Yeah, absolutely. So they're asking, they're like, Dad, why did you go to that other religion failure he's evil? And Dad's like, well, you know, my secretary recommended him. And the mom goes, oh, your divorce secretary recommended him that sinner. She's been married three times. She's a nervous wreck.
Starting point is 00:47:12 Now you say it. She's been married three times. She's a nervous wreck. Everybody let's all together. Ready one, two, three. She's been married three times. She's a nervous wreck on three. Two.
Starting point is 00:47:21 She's been married three times. One, nervous. So yeah, so we established that Dr. Kumaran was recommended by the slut. This is what Noah deals with all the time. This is my life folks. Let's go to the live show. I bet they're just as funny in person. After the edit we are.
Starting point is 00:47:41 So you'll get home and you'll be like, I see what they did. Yeah. They cut all that leukemia stuff. It is probably a good idea. I should explain, for folks at home, there's a little girl in a wheelchair and she doesn't have a lot of hair.
Starting point is 00:47:55 Okay, let's move on. Move in the front row. She's not doing well. Tom, she keeps the little thing and I'm making the jokes to keep her up, but she's not, that's not true. She's this cross. It's crossed the bag on your head. All right, now it's my turn to leave.
Starting point is 00:48:09 Google. So dad's telling this story. Dad's telling the story of the first time he met Dr. Kumron, so we get another little flashback, and this is fucking hilarious. He's like, the room was unlocked. And if thing, I have never seen because I didn't fuck Wicked in the 90s. And he's like, had never been to Pier one in four. So what I saw inside was strange and new to me.
Starting point is 00:48:36 And he goes, it's like, it was the weirdest and craziest thing. And as he's saying that it shows a Buddhist statue. The weirdest shit you can imagine. It's Buddhist statue it shows a Buddhist statue. Oh, weird as shit, you can imagine. It's Buddhist statue painting of Buddha. Yeah, goat face. Yeah, no, that's the last, the goat face was, yeah. Right. But it's like the goat got his picture done at like central park like he sat down with
Starting point is 00:48:58 one of the portrait guys and he's and the guy was like, so what do you like to do? And the goat was like, I like the skateboard, man. And they just took the thing. Can we do the lasers in the background? Yeah. The whole picture is perfect. So, prom picture? Yeah, no, the inside jokes about Central Park go over great with the Austin crowd. So the people at Central Park that draw pictures for you are really crappy at it.
Starting point is 00:49:20 So, he's still telling the story about Dr. Kuhmron. And he says, he's like, he showed up mysteriously behind me. And it shows him, and he's just standing there looking at the wall like this. And the guy just walks up, that's not mysterious. You were facing a wall in this man's home. I'm going to reenact the mysterious showing up. Will you show up mysteriously behind you? You want to show up behind you mysteriously? Oh, what's the painting of a person that's not me? That's I've done it. Oh
Starting point is 00:49:51 I wasn't doing anything over here. I was over here the whole time. That is how surprised he is by Dr. Kuhn. Apparently no one had ever entered a room without dad seeing before the moment he get in So and this is all to set up a stance, right? They're going to have a stance. Suddenly, there's like nine other people in the room. And they all sit around the table. All of them are very clearly just having trouble defecating.
Starting point is 00:50:16 That's the facial expression we get from every single person at this say on. Oh, absolutely. And it was like, I cut. I said concentration faces, not difficult to change faces. Okay. One more time. Show me concentrating. Now show me difficult shit. It's the same thing. You have to do it. Make them different. Also, I love and this is the most realistic moment in the entire fucking movie, right? Because dad is in his first saiyans. Everyone else has already been to saiyances before. And, and Dr. Krumoran was like, I feel that there is a doubter in here who doesn't believe this
Starting point is 00:50:49 shit's gonna work. And he needs to stop or this shit won't work. But he's not because he's right, because he's fucking it up. And I wanted him to just start naming names, just like, there is a doubter in our midst, Dave. Yes. Kind of wrecking in our midst, Dave. Yes. Kind of wrecking it for everyone, Dave. Look at it, you, Dave.
Starting point is 00:51:10 This is also where we start getting the sudden like that these little subliminal Satan flashes. Yes, his face for just a frame turns into Satan, but as we already saw, and I highly recommend at home pausing this movie, it is just a board teenager in red face paint who's just like, goooah! Pfft! I feel like you weren't supposed to use house paint. Goooah!
Starting point is 00:51:32 Pfft! Pfft! My skin is itchy! And then of course, the dough! And of course, the seiyans works because in their universe, Satan magic is real. So the hurricane force wins start up in the room.
Starting point is 00:51:47 Two-zone. Yeah. Well, now it is, yeah. And like demon spirits rise from the floor, there's a demonic kaleidoscope going on for a little while, and I've got to admit, that would convince me I would be a Satanist. That's all that we take.
Starting point is 00:52:04 That's all that we take. That's all that we take. That's all that we take. That's all that we take. That's all that we take. That's all that we take. That's all that we take. That's all that we take. Right above that guy's arms. Must be Satan. So the flashback ends and once we're again, again, we're with the family talking about when he went to see Dr. Kuhmron. And the dad wraps up with, so you know, either he's fake or this was real
Starting point is 00:52:30 And once again one of those two things is true that is exactly correct about all the things things is true And of course the Sun is like it because it's a Christian movie the good Sun is like well Of course it was real dad Satan is very real and we'll give you magic powers only don't do it Who stole the cookie from the cookie? Satan. That's how it ends for Christian. They just say Satan and they stand there in silence. Till certain people with leukemia get all coffee.
Starting point is 00:53:02 For the live audience, there's not really a leukemia patient up here, you know, I just realized that people in the back can't probably tell. So, did you run up to the front? No. Yeah, quick, get a look while you can. So, I'm gonna cut that one out too. Inapropriate. Do you know over seven people a year die of leukemia? True fact.
Starting point is 00:53:31 True fact. That's either fake or real. Google it. So, everyone leaves the room and the camera stays up for a really long time. But then we cut to mom going to sleep because mom's gotta have a nightmare. I love this fucking nightmare, so goddamn much. So good. So her son starts climbing out of the wall, right?
Starting point is 00:53:55 He's trapped in the wall. He's still wearing his race car outfit or whatever. And he's like, mama, mama, I am not at all exaggerating. It's like washing a 14 yearyear-old at a fucking haunted house. And mom comes and mom whys up and she's like, Frankie, Frankie. And he's like, well, a fucking course. It's Frank.
Starting point is 00:54:15 What other dead race car driver has walking into your room and ghost form in the middle of the night, mom? She's like, Dale Earnhardt, Walter Syn. I'm sorry, is this 332 Princess Red? 233, I'm sorry. I have a lot of trouble with directions, that's what I'm doing. I just, ah.
Starting point is 00:54:33 Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. So yeah, so Frankie tells mom, mom, mom, inhale and it is quite unpleasant. And then, something like an only describe
Starting point is 00:54:50 as a monkey devil also walks out of the way. He just, monkey devil? Monkey devil, he has escaped hell. And this demon is like, fuck, I'm gonna get in so much trouble. Get back here, dude. It's like watching a bad babysitter who's like on texting her friend
Starting point is 00:55:07 and then you see a kid wander around the corner and she's like, oh fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,. It's definitely new guy, Monkey Double, who's like, fuck. Oh, if it isn't, let him go Larry. All right, all right. Don't give me a work nickname. So yeah, so, so mom's nightmareing all over the place. Dad and the sun come in, they're like, mom, mom, it's just a dream.
Starting point is 00:55:43 And she's like, it wasn't a dream, it was real. And they're like, why the fuck not? That's how our religion works. And dad says, don't worry, honey, I'll get you something to sleep, or something to help you sleep. And I so expected him to just punch her in the head at that point.
Starting point is 00:55:56 Did you? Did you? It was the 70s. He was around in the 1970s. I was around in 76. You see, that's how it was back then. It's gotten better. But, okay, so she's trying to go to bed.
Starting point is 00:56:10 Good son, I keep calling him good son. The character's name is Tim. So Tim decides to pray to God that God will no longer give him nightmares or give her nightmares rather. And he's just like, dear God, I know you could probably take my brother out of hell. And that would probably stop her from worrying so much. But I ain't
Starting point is 00:56:30 gonna ask you for that. Instead, could you just stop the nightmares, maybe? He's sort of passive aggressively praying. He's like, now, not really sure why you felt it necessary to give my mother hell visions, but that's your Paragotip But you woke me up Last to check. I remember as your book and My eyes still doesn't work so And I still doesn't work so... And... Ha ha ha ha ha.
Starting point is 00:57:04 Either I wake up tomorrow with two papers or Mama sleeps through the night. That's up to you. Jesus name a man. He's a... Ha ha ha ha ha. And of course, and he also prays for daddy once dad defined Jesus.
Starting point is 00:57:17 And I love this moment where dad walks in as he's praying to Jesus. And I don't know what facial expression dad was going for here. I have it as pre-hairball. He reacts like he saw like Timmy peeing on mom's face. Yeah. He just like backs out awkwardly like, oh shit praying.
Starting point is 00:57:34 Yeah. I mean, don't get me wrong, that's kind of how I react when I'm walking on people praying. So I get it. There's a little. I am always living out that fake episode of what would you do just like are you saying grace over there? Stop At the children's hospital is where that mostly Yeah, so mom falls back asleep and now we have to cut to to dad's nightmare
Starting point is 00:58:00 But before we get that we're gonna have to take a quick break Because this movie is about to shift gears into a whole new level of crazy. I'm gonna need a minute to prepare for that. But before we take that break, I'm gonna give Act 3 the hard sell here. Will Verne turn his life over to Jesus before it's too late? Verne is the dad, by the way. Let's realize that never told anybody that. Will anyone acknowledge that the guy who condemned Frankie to hell is definitely the fucking villain?
Starting point is 00:58:26 Will Eli return from the interstitial all accidentally fucked up on pot brownies? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the my numbing conclusion of the Grim Reaper Good morning everybody. Sorry for the delay. I'll pass your handerson. Now, after some conversation, it's been requested that a not mention Frankie being in hell. And I'm not going to do that in this here, sermon. No, not at all. Not going to do it. Anyway, Frankie had curly hair, drove race cars or something until it died in a fire crash state of existence. They should probably get used to. I mean, yeah, he did dead now. Who knows? Maybe there's fire where he is. Maybe not dead now who knows maybe there's fire where he is, maybe not could be.
Starting point is 00:59:27 I said, hebbles anyway. He's attended by his father, his brother Tim and his mother who should accept Jesus pretty quick. They don't want to end up with Frankie. By which I mean, dead, dead because Jesus, good health, thing to believe in gives a heart of good work out. Anyways, may he rest in peace or the internal hormone because he's in hell. That's it. Give me the 20 bucks back.
Starting point is 00:59:50 Now I already bought a pale blue suit with it. And we're back. When we last left off, mom was having nightmares about Frankie being in hell, but just to throw you for a loop and show you the director's range here, we will now have dad having nightmares about Frankie and hell for a change of pace. And the dream itself is not really even worth noting, but what's worth noting is, is Tim's reaction when he walks in and sees his dad having a nightmare. Now, we know that Tim knows how nightmares work because he just woke his mom up from one and said, you're having a nightmare, mom. But when dad has a nightmare, he's like, Dad, what the hell? Your eyes are closed and you were talking and shit.
Starting point is 01:00:47 What's going on here? But apparently he was having, he's like a fucking robot that was just brought on line, but he's like, he's like, I don't know, son, I'm having these weird dreams. Is there anything that you can do to help me? He goes, I can't help you, but I think I know exactly who can. And that would be a preacher that I can only describe as wispy. I have him in my notes as baby powder, the person. If you imagine you put Vince Lombardi in one side of the machine from the fly and a tampon in the other.
Starting point is 01:01:26 He ended up with this preacher. You look like Colonel Sanders gave brothers ghost. And so we got to the preacher. The preacher goes, they're having the conversation with dad, mom and the son are sitting over here just kind of observing. And the preacher says to the dad, he's like, are you saved? And the dad says, this is such a bizarre answer. He says, well, I'm Christian.
Starting point is 01:01:51 I let my wife and son go to church all the time. Now, I'm not, I mean, I'm on dad's side here, but I also don't physically bar people from entering churches. I'm not a, that does not a Christian make. Brackie. Three times and now all of a sudden we got to bring it up at every live show. I wanted a conversation with their daughter about her leukemia. If I say it like six times, he can't edit it out because it's a running thing. It's a little game we play called Stop Ruining My Podcast.
Starting point is 01:02:34 So, dad's trying to get a lot of concessions out of the pre-trees. So if I become a Christian, I don't have any more problems anymore. And he's like, well, no, but you're more of a dick about him. At least you got that going for you. So down to the preacher decides that in order to convince Daddy, he has to tell him a Bible story. We're gonna get a little flashback in this Bible story. So this, he starts telling them,
Starting point is 01:03:03 there was once a woman in ancient Israel that topped to the dead and Paul and Silas moved the demons on out of her and then the failures got real pissed about it and threw them in jail. And we don't see a visual aid for any of that, but and if you know Ron Ormond, you know, this is coming to says they flail them on their backs with whips so of course that part we get to visualize right that part we get to see the the flocking is amazing oh this is maybe the greatest scene of all fucking time in any movie we've ever seen we have a clip uh... morgan would you bring in the lights down and showing everyone this
Starting point is 01:03:41 amazing down and showing everyone this amazing costuming and acting here. Wait, it gets so much better. The helmet keeps falling like his like Burger King prop helmet. It was so good. It was my birthday. Damn it. It was my birthday damn it was my birthday. And that actor is 70s unhealthy. He's got special magical. Okay, he whips twice and he's just like, Okay, I've had three heart attacks.
Starting point is 01:04:18 Three heart attacks. I'd like to go sit in a chair and die at the right bold age of 36 now. Oh, dead. So, yeah, so we get Paul and Silas being put in the prison. The guards gave him an extra blankie, which I thought was nice. It seemed a little weird. And they start like doing this pan shot of the prison.
Starting point is 01:04:39 And it's got the weirdest damn shit. They show a guy getting whipped in the stomach. In the tummy. There is a tummy whipping scene Because it's obvious Ormond was like they whipped Paul and Silas on the back. So what do we do and one guy was like What about that in the movie and They're like yeah fucking if we're using the helmet. I mean it doesn't really matter It's not like we're going to save this or anything.
Starting point is 01:05:07 Um, and so, so they're sitting in the prison and then one of the guards comes up and he's like, I would like to help you, but I'm not allowed to use inflection. It's, he is basically all the other messages in every woman I know is inbox just like I wish I could put oil on your feet I Wish that for you And for me Hello Hello
Starting point is 01:05:41 Oil on your feet and Paul and Silas and they're like I want to put, line your feet. And Paul and Silas, and he's like, I want to put oil on your feet, I would help you. It's supposed to be a nice guy. And Paul and Silas are just like, oh, but we're in jail, so thank you. All right, I'm going to go be a homeless person on the streets of Austin. So I hear it's pretty awesome.
Starting point is 01:06:09 So the next day, so we cut to the next day, all the prisoners are singing about Jesus. They're doing a little duet, Paul and Silasar. They would have already written a song about him at this point, but they know one. And they sing the song, and then of course, as you know, if you know the Bible, the prison starts to fall down around them after an earthquake. You can imagine the special effects for this earthquake are top notch.
Starting point is 01:06:36 This is the day they were doing the earthquake. They got what Ormond walks over to the camera man. He's like, all right, this is pretty technical. So I'm going to walk you through this. You're going to take the camera man, he's like, all right, this is pretty technical, so I'm gonna walk you through this, you're gonna take the camera, and you're gonna shake ass. And then you're gonna put it back on the tripod. Do not drop the camera while you're shaking. All right, let's rehearse.
Starting point is 01:07:00 Not earthquake. There we go. So the earthquake happens, there their stocks are unfastened. Paul and Silas can finally escape. Maybe use that spell right away. If you couldn't sing an earthquake, it feels like you, before you get flogged, you would use it. Well, some people like being flogged more than you.
Starting point is 01:07:19 So, and honestly, the flogging, as you saw, I did not look particularly unpleasant. Who screamed just now? Just so we know. Yeah. Yeah. Six, oh seven. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:07:32 So they bust out of prison. The jailer, the very nice jailer that wanted to put oil on their feet, gives him a torch. I don't know why it's day. Yeah, and there's this awkward moment where he's just like, they walk up to him and he's like, there's like a sword on the wall
Starting point is 01:07:47 and a torch on the wall and they're like, no, Jailer, give us that one. And he's just like, oh, is that, is that how the story goes? But you can see the actor confused, he's just like, ah. And then what happened? Yes.
Starting point is 01:08:02 like, huh? And then what happened? Yes. So yeah, and that's the whole story. We have the full reenactment just of that. Then we go back to that preacher that's talking to dad. Dad, however, is not convinced by this story. Well, dad has a bit of a counter argument. Yes, he does.
Starting point is 01:08:22 Dad's counter argument is this, well, Tim, I'll love your brother more than you. You were saying preacher, that is it. His only attempt is like, dunce is the dives with dives with dives. And he's just like, yeah, you're kind of a weirdo. Like if a Frankie was a nine, you're like a 2.4. You're like a sick kid that ruins life.
Starting point is 01:08:50 Oh, thank you. Great, great timing on the cutout there Morgan. That was good. So thanks Morgan. Here's a leukemia filter on you now. We have Eli on the two second leukemia delay here. Yeah. So, yeah, so the, so the pre, the, the dad's like, We have Eli on the two second leukemia delay here. So, yeah, so the pre, the dad's like, yeah, well, you've convinced me, but there's still something holding me back from loving Jesus as much as I want to love Jesus.
Starting point is 01:09:14 I just don't know what it is. And the preacher's like, well, maybe it's because we've still got another 20 minutes in this movie. He's like, yeah, it's probably it. So the preacher's like, well, whatever you do, even if you don't turn to Jesus, you should at least go to church and give us money. Again, sometimes this movie is realistic. So dad goes to church and luckily for us, he takes us along.
Starting point is 01:09:39 And the sermon, wouldn't you know it, is about how evil spiritualism is? Huh? Coincidence. Oppropos. And this is where we have the four seconds they could afford. Jerry Falwell. Now, Jerry fucking Falwell. He is the world's number one ranked pastor at this point. He does it in 70, whatever. This boy in fantasy prep pastor, he was killing it.
Starting point is 01:10:02 He had acquitted so many times. He had outpreached Mayweather and he was just coming off a really high, it was phenomenal. And he is, I know a lot of people don't watch these movies with us and you don't have to watch these movies with us. But you should watch just this clip to see how shiny it's possible for a human face to be. He looks like he just finished gently kissing a Thanksgiving turkey.
Starting point is 01:10:26 Give me one second. I don't know if it was gently. I feel like it was more than gently. Oh, you think he was giving it? Yeah, all up in that shed. Motorboat. Oh, it's like a fat guy going down on you just. Well, I'm earning my place here. Whatuh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh. What Eli's trying to tell you is fat men are good at oral sex. They are. It's eating out of reasons. Duh. Ha, ha, ha. Whee.
Starting point is 01:10:59 You think I'm fucking around? Have a fat guy go down on you. You'll be like, that podcaster was right. That's weird. That's weird. I guess they just love food. I do. I do love it when fat guys go down on me.
Starting point is 01:11:14 So, so then we cut to, so, so, and I love the way that they introduced the Jerry Falwell bit to because the preacher stuck my spiritualism is really bad. As a matter of fact, the other day I was talking about my buddy, a gerryphal well about this. And then we get four seconds of gerryphal well, and we come back to the preacher and he goes, ah, it's like, did the people in the church see the flashback? The fuck are we talking about here? So when we come back to that, and by the way, the message that Jerry Falwell jumps in to give is, Satan's a real dude, hell is a real place, demons are everywhere I am sane. That's pretty much the whole thing.
Starting point is 01:11:53 So, and then he hands it off to his assistant pastor. His assistant pastor is named Tim. There is already a character in this movie who is a pastor named Tim. This is a different Tim the pastor. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya.
Starting point is 01:12:08 You're not. Tim Naya. I file Lee Hyman. I'm Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya.
Starting point is 01:12:18 Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya. Tim Naya Austin of the Austinite, 10s, who's leader is Austin. I don't want to make that funny anymore.
Starting point is 01:12:30 So yeah, Catholic family sitting down to dinner, every book of Mormon segment just this again, huh? And I love to that the the So Tim the pastor's message here, by the way, is judgment day is a certainty because it says so on in the Bible also who keeps gluing all these extra legs on the grasshoppers. And the dad turns to his son, because of course there is the church watching,
Starting point is 01:13:07 and the dad turns to him and he's like, his judgment day shit sounds like some kind of paperback novel. So man, do you read some shitty paperback novels? And Tim, he's like, dad, just listen, go! He's maybe looking stupid. You're embarrassing me in front of my friends. He's about to get to the eyeball monsters that sing about God's glory
Starting point is 01:13:31 Volatio So it mouth Jesus You don't want him to go down on you Not fat. He's actually super thin. I wish terrible at Jesus. How great would fat Jesus come better? You don't want him to go down on you. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha tiny rock in front of my wheel. Let me ruin everyone's live podcast by being all sad in the front row. She's laughing along now. She's in it now. I feel like that's a seizure, but okay. Oh, when I do the jokes, that is all of a sudden. Oh, no, it's making fun of leukemia. No, it's getting fun of leukemia. No, it's getting too bad, appropriate.
Starting point is 01:14:26 So he's here to keep us in line. Yes. The comedy anchor we got. So now this preacher is going to tell us yet another story because they wanted to play dress up some more. And this one is about a witch. Now the witch in this scene. I think he sold you all you need to know about the witch in this scene.
Starting point is 01:14:57 She looks like the makeup that, first of all, she's wearing wicked witch of the West outfit, right? She's got the pointy hat, she's got the black gown, she's standing in front of a bubbling cauldron. And in order to do makeup, I think they just wet a bunch of flour. Yeah, that's about right. And it's right out of money Python. They're like, are you a witch?
Starting point is 01:15:15 She's like, no, no, a bit. I have to know. And the hat, yes, I am a witch. Also, we have a point of this out yet, but when they do these flashbacks all the people have like these deep South accents Yeah, right so it's always a What the hell you tell me about You listen, I say I say you listen to me so I Tell you what
Starting point is 01:15:43 I'll tell you what? Like they don't take off the cowboy hat and they've got the Israelite cape on top of it. For that cowboy is the only thing a grown-up still allowed to dress up is back in the What? What? What? Seven syllables. What? So, yeah, so the southern, the people from southern Jerusalem go to the witch. And they're like, are you a witch? And she's like, look at the fucking hat, people. What the hell?
Starting point is 01:16:21 No, it's because, I mean, you look like a muppet of a witch. It just seems, you look like a muppet of a witch. I don't know. It just seems, you look like the jigsaw dummy from saw and also a witch. Look, the jigsaw dummy from saw went through a bad breakup. Just, everybody hurts sometimes. And of course, and of course, yeah, there, no, that's just a few hundred bucks
Starting point is 01:16:49 if we go over. Um, so, of course, so, so, so all of course is here because he wants the witch to bring Samuel back to life so that he can give him some advice. And she does a magic spell. She just does her impersonation of me when I see a spider just, ah, ah! Ha, ha! Ha!
Starting point is 01:17:14 Ha! Also, she gives us all the formula, I guess, for bringing Samuel back from the dead. It's a cup of wind, a pinch of salt, and a handful of dirt. Stir three times. I feel like somebody would have figured that out by now. Wouldn't you have accidentally stumbled on that at one point?
Starting point is 01:17:33 You're just like, oh, playing with my sandbox. Oh, Samuel, fuck. What's up, Samuel? I gotta go back inside, resources over. So, and of course Samuel is played by store brand Gandalf in this shit. And he comes up and saws like, so what do you think the Phil's teacher
Starting point is 01:17:58 about to kill us all? And he's like, yep, they sure are. Adios. That's the whole fucking story Literally it cuts back to the beach or he's just like and you know what? It happened Why did I tell that story does anyone Well even goes he goes and Saul and his sins sons were killed now. We're not sure how he died
Starting point is 01:18:24 Why the fuck would that matter? I mean, I would imagine the Philistines killed him, but so Tim, the sub-preacher passes it back to the main preacher, and the main preacher's message at this point is basically, well, if your race car drive and son didn't repent, he's in hell, amen. But he also must tell us a story
Starting point is 01:18:46 because again they love to play dress up and he's gonna tell us a story about about post Exodus Moses now Moses if you can imagine Santa Claus skinned a polar bear and just stretched it over his head that's Moses that's pretty much it and it is a part where all the people are bitching at Moses they're going stretched it over his head. That's Moses. That's pretty much it. And this is where all the people are bitching at Moses. They're going like, Moses, we can't change our clothes. We can't, we just being eaten, nothing. But man, you know that she gets stuck in your teeth. And Moses is like, guys, where do you want to be such a bitch?
Starting point is 01:19:21 And they're like, well, you know, cause on account of where G-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E They're all going like, they're all going, well, them Egyptians don't have to eat the same damn thing every night. It's a new thing every day, just like blue apron, which you can also get by using the promo code. No, fuck them. No, we don't, they're not paying for an ad in this episode. Oh, fuck them.
Starting point is 01:19:59 That'll make it a fresh. Check out Home Chef. Yeah, not a little different. So, Casper mattresses are comfortable. So, Moses calls upon some God-lightening because he's sick of these guys bitching. And all of a sudden, snakes start to appear. Now, imagine, if you will, that a snake that you knew was aggressive appeared, but it was say from me to you. If your reaction to this would be to stand there
Starting point is 01:20:31 going, until the snake came and killed you, you would fit right in with the ancient Israel This is one guy getting attacked by a snake. The other one's like, so what are we standing still? Are we doing it? All right. All right, it got stuck. So hopefully it's full now. It's done. Now? Nope.
Starting point is 01:20:51 Oh, it got the second guy. I was thinking, okay, you know what they say? This is two in a row. This is awkward. No more. So it's like when you're in a post office line or another government building and one person like three people ahead of you goes crazy, but you're not in the appropriate position
Starting point is 01:21:10 to leave. So the guy up in front is like, you killed my son! My son! And you're just like, whooo! Buying some stamps, buying some stamps. Stampsampsamps.com. You know, everything's... Never go to the post office again.
Starting point is 01:21:28 So, so that flat, everybody gets eaten by snakes. Elderly snakes and rascal scooters just slowly rolling up to them. Walkers. And everyone, it was clear, was like, I'm gonna do a different death sound. So the first two people, they're like, and the second guy's like, ah!
Starting point is 01:21:50 But these people are actors in Roy Orman movies, so they do not have wide range to the fourth guy's like, woo! Woo! Oh! The eighth guy's like, ah-ha! Ah-ha! Ah-ha! Caricotom! We ate guys like greekatah all the movie
Starting point is 01:22:06 so we finished up that flashback and we got back to the preacher and the preacher is like are you surprised that God would kill innocent people with snakes just for voicing a grievance? Well then you don't know this motherfucker at all, do you? It's kind of his thing. God doesn't want to condemn you to hell. He's what he will. He's just got a really bad, badting average.
Starting point is 01:22:39 No. He's got to blow the Mendoza line. It's fine. Don't worry about it. See, I feel like the preacher's doing for God, what you do for your crazy Eddie friends, right? Yes, you're like, look man, crazy Eddie, he doesn't wanna fight you, but he will.
Starting point is 01:22:56 He's over there eating his own shoe. He didn't like the way it squeaked at him. So, see for everyone else, for Eli, this is your crazy Eddie, for everyone else, this would be like your Eli friend. This would be, you would instead say something like, it's like when you say, look, he talks a lot about leukemia and fucking dead children, but he's a good guy when you get to know him.
Starting point is 01:23:21 So, hard of gold. Hard of gold. So, okay, so now of course, the preacher goes, and we go back to the preacher, he goes on for a little bit, and then we have to get our final flashback of the movie, and this is a Ron Ormond movie, so, of course, this flashback will take place in hell. And this is very clearly just the extra footage they still had from Burning Hell. Oh, very clearly they didn't make the cut thing of how he had like a single reel of film standing there in the end of Burning Hell. And he looked at Estus, and he looked at the reel, and he was like, three movies.
Starting point is 01:23:57 Three movies. And unfortunately, I don't think we can do justice to the random, weird ass demons that they show. We showed a few of them already. So anybody who looked like a, you know, whatever, a fucking clown on meth that you saw in the montage would have been one of these demons from hell. And once again, they're just, they're not in, there's fire. They're not in it though. They're like pleasantly near it, like a campfire just from fire. Just move back. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:24:29 Just move a little bit back. And they're all covered in poop, so that's got to be keeping them cool. Right. Yeah. And there's some other nice things about that. No, there aren't. And of course, the night hell is kind of pleasant. Yeah, I know in this one, yeah.
Starting point is 01:24:43 But and of course, just like every other scene in this movie, the screaming of the people in hell completely drowns out the dialogue. You can't hear a damn thing they're saying. So I have no notes for this scene. And then we get the celebrity tour of hell. Yes. Where we meet lots wife and lots wife in hell is a pillar of salt. And it's obvious Orman thought this would be a great idea. He's like, look, there's lots of wife and she's just like, and he's like, I guess that
Starting point is 01:25:09 wouldn't be so bad actually. He really just sent salt to hell then didn't he? And isn't that... That's just a damned pile of spasses. You. Bill, that's a bad example of who you want to send to hell, too. Like the husband gave his daughters to a rape mob and she like looked back. And that's why she went to hell.
Starting point is 01:25:36 Yeah. That's a weird example. And then we meet Jezebel. No, first we meet Judas. Oh, yeah. And now Judas is punishment and hell apparently. This is pretty rough. He's got the 30 pieces of silver. And every time he drops them, they fly back into his hand, and that's it.
Starting point is 01:25:47 That is Judas' punishment in hell. Punishment is infinite games of Pac-Man. Just... This is kind of irritating. And then we meet Jess about two minutes. You're move, God. I'm gonna learn a coin vanish. Downs palm.
Starting point is 01:26:22 And just for Matt. I love that shit. And they really do charge us if we go over. down's poem and just for Matt. I love that shit. And they really do charge us if we go over. So now a demon in a skull cap shows up and he offers to take dad to see his son, Frankie and hell. And he likes he's like, he's right there and he looks over there and it's the same demon. He's like he's right there and he looks over there and it's the same demon he's like gotcha! So we have low level prank in hell.
Starting point is 01:26:47 Yeah, unscrewed sock! Chaker! Hell! Weird. Oh you got a little shit on your jacket there. What? Hell! Hell!
Starting point is 01:26:58 We have fun here in Demation. Yeah and also the guy says the other demon is he's like, you said you were going to take me to see my son. And then another day, and he goes, no one tells the truth here except the Creetans. What would that other minion say would be where my son is to figure it out, Creetan liar thing? So yeah, and then the dad's like, oh, this is so awful. And I'm like, I've stayed at daisons worse than this.
Starting point is 01:27:26 Jesus fucking Christ. And then the dad's like, please let me out. And they're like, no, we're going to throw you in a volcano in the most faking manner we can manage. That's it. That's it. And then we get, okay, so apparently this has all been a dream that dad had.
Starting point is 01:27:44 We're not going to, we're're not gonna really deal with the fact that dad fell asleep in church. Here, he just starts screaming and I get it, I get it, that's what I do in church, that's why they don't let me go anymore. It turns out that's not illegal at all, you can just sit in the back of a church going, AAAAAAAAHHHHH! And they can't really arrest you for that. Can they ever? Can you you for that. Can they?
Starting point is 01:28:05 Can you go to one children's ward? Freedom of speech, right? So yeah, but now everyone in the church is quite concerned about Dad's nightmare. And he's like, did you have a nightmare about being in hell? And he's like, yeah, and he's like, are you a Christian?
Starting point is 01:28:23 And he's like, I'm pretty sure it was Muslim hell. He's like, that fucks up the whole movie. He's like, all right, I'm a Christian then. Just convert. I don't know. What about the finches and the eats? I was a lot to think about still. The shape.
Starting point is 01:28:35 No. So now, of course, this is the big conversion scene. This is what we've been building to for the whole movie. Everybody's very happy. And then the preacher turns to us and says, now Dad has managed to avoid Hill. Perhaps you could do the same. And the movie's over, that's it.
Starting point is 01:28:57 That's it, that's the movie. So this is the first time that we've seen an Ormond movie that was made without Estes Berkel. And I assumed it was because Estes pericle died right because he was really fucking old in 1974 but it turns out pericles stuck around till two thousand five of all things which leads to the logical question and the one that we're gonna close on tonight what do you guys think precipitated the following out that split this dynamic filmmaking duo apart oh Oh, I'm gonna say Estus Perkle
Starting point is 01:29:26 Refused to use the Oxford comma because it's a goddamn savage Thank you. Yeah The biggest applause we get tonight is for the Oxford fucking comma you guys are such nerds. I love you I love you and Eli well, I have to follow. I was gonna say an awkward kiss in a hot tub This is the life isn't it All right, so we now know that our audience is a bigger fan of the Oxford comma than making out and hot dumps. That's awesome.
Starting point is 01:30:07 And on that, we're going to bring episode 111 to a merciful close. We're going to give a huge thanks to our boy Morgan, who came all the way from New York to help us out with the sound here. Thank you so much. And of course, another round of applause for Anna for helping us out with merch and for kicking so much ass. And of course, also a round of applause for our boy Andrew Torres for keeping us out of jail long enough to do this show. Big thanks to everyone with the Scottish Wright Theatre. This is an amazing theatre, even though as you're walking in,
Starting point is 01:30:40 it really feels like you should have just shot a lion. It is a really cool place, right? And of course, the biggest thanks to all of you guys for making it up. Thank you so much. Yeah, you guys are almost as fond of yourselves as you are of the Oxford comma. That's amazing. And on that note, we're going to leave you. Timmy's left eye. Leaves work at noon on Friday and spends the weekend in Mar-a-Lago. It's lazy-eye. It's lazy. Mine's gonna suck so bad.
Starting point is 01:31:12 I thought I'm fooling around. And I'm gonna take it seriously by Eli and myself for an embarrassingly long time. Dave the Demon got put on pedophile duty for a week for letting Frankie escape. Thank you so much for coming out tonight guys, good night! The preceding podcast was a production of Buzzline Th thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2017, all rights reserved.

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