God Awful Movies - 156: Voiceless
Episode Date: August 14, 2018This week, the guys team up for an atheist review of Voiceless, a sympathetic look at one of those guys who screams at women on their way into clinics about how they're gonna burn in hell for murderin...g their babies. --- Come see us in London! https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-london-tickets-47591873575 --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke
Transcript
Discussion (0)
I'm so confused by this but field manual for abortion ministry
I expected that was something you get like the back of Ikea like they give you a hex wrench and like a suction thing and
They're like I mean it's got 23 steps, but this will kill your fucking baby. Let me tell you
That's the view in your smart at the end you got an extra like little piece of leg and you're like I don't know what this is supposed to go through.
Got an extra fingernail?
So.
God awful!
Movie! OOVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII 100 miles to my immediate left is my good friend Heath and right heath. Welcome back. Thanks Noah. So, uh, you know, who's gonna murder about a billion sperm every 10 minutes
until Amazon takes this evil fucking movie off its side? Me. Me. Yeah. I was doing that
already, but now I'm going to this. Right. Exactly. Oh, now he's doing it at someone and
sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnik. Eli. How are you this fine?
Afternoon sir. I would like to start yelling about the movie now.
We're almost there Eli. We're almost there. Trust me this almost the intro was almost me just yelling fuck as long as I could before I passed out
This is like the fifth take. It's been a while
as long as I could before I passed out. This is like the fifth take.
It's been a while.
And I can't guarantee that that won't happen in the B segment.
So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today?
We watched voiceless.
It's the story of an army ranger who becomes assistant to the regional pastor at a church.
And he turns into a pro life vigilante
who carries out a campaign of harassment and protest against a women's clinic. It's
occupied uterine wall street. The movie.
And he lie. I just don't know that there are words, but I'm gonna ask you anyway.
How bad was this movie?
Well, if you love my catchphrase at the beginning of the show, you're gonna be disappointed
because it's the word fucking Jesus shit movie ever.
Look, we have watched some bad movies.
We've watched pro spousal abuse movies.
We've watched, you know, if you rape, you should marry your rapist movies, we have watched some bad movies. We've watched pro spousal abuse movies. We've watched, you
know, if you raped, you should marry your rapist movies. We have watched Kill, Salman,
Rushdie movies. This might be the most poisonous movie we've ever watched. The protagonist
is a violent, hemicritical, stupid misogynist, and it has a poisonous message. And nobody involved in this movie should ever, ever have worked again.
No.
And the fact that they have is proof that there's no God or justice in this world.
Well, that's all we've ever needed.
You know, and look, I mean, here's the thing.
We've watched a movie about how you should marry your rapist and we watched a movie about
how friends don't let friends beat Jews and all that stuff.
But at least those movies have the decency to be really poorly made with that actors you'd never fucking heard
of for $19 on an iPhone, right?
This was a.
Those were ethos.
Yeah.
Right.
Those are anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst
out.
Yeah.
I'm going to go best worst antagonist.
Right. Yeah, I'm gonna go best worst antagonist right now is an abortion clinic, but the movie acts like it's the sign above the door of the clinic
That's the actual bad guy
Which is kind of crazy like 30 minutes of this movie is just the main character is staring at a sign late at night
Seathing with rage at a sign late at night, seething with rage at a sign. Like the sign, the sign
might as well be doing like pull ups like Demiro and Cape Fear, like knuckle tattoos
to say kill baby. It's ridiculous.
Yeah. And again, to be clear, and the movie is aware of this, the antagonist of the movie
is women's health.
Yes.
Yes.
They don't even, they're not even smart enough to go, it's an abortion factory.
We don't do anything but abortions here.
Come on in, want an abortion?
They're like, no, it's a women's health clinic.
And at some point we see someone go in and they're like, oh, no, I'm just here for a checkup,
which I need in order to prevent cancer and other terrible diseases.
And he's like, oh, sorry, I was trying to harass you, but it turns out you're just getting
healthcare that I should probably provide. The bad guy in the movie is healthcare.
Yes. All right, so I was going to go with best worst recurring Eli character coming to life and haunting a movie. Yes. I feel like we should sue.
I don't get to it.
Can we sue?
I'm not sure who got their first.
Well, we'll check.
We'll double check.
But yes, Eli's recurring anti-abortion Irish lady is in this movie except that the actress
doesn't have quite the chops on the Irish accent
that Eli has.
Yeah, and her ghost puppet is significantly less impressive.
Well, I'm just kidding.
I'm going to go with a little right field here.
I'm going to go with best worst plot line that the movie entirely fucking abandons.
Are we talking about Camille?
No, I was going to go with boxing.
Oh, okay. The fact that like the first
22 minutes of this movie are about a pastor reaching the youths by starting a boxing gym and then he
gets distracted by abortion and the movie just goes away and never comes back. Yeah, no, I mean,
there are definitely several contenders in this film for Best Worse
plotline that the movie entirely abandons, but yeah, that's a good one.
All right, well, quick, well, my blood pressure can still be expressed with five digits in
a slash.
We're going to pause for a quick break, but when we come back, we'll dive into all the
hypertension catalysts that are voiceless.
Can we seal it in something?
We could put it in water maybe.
Hey, guys, what are you doing?
Oh, hey, Noah, we were just mailing some of my shit to the cast of this movie.
Yeah, you want to help us?
Okay, guys, honestly, no, no, you don't understand.
The movie is really, no, look, we watch a lot of terrible movies with some really awful messages,
but this is stooping to their level. They actually, you know, I haven't seen the movie yet,
but our show is a comedy show. We mock terrible ideas because it takes away their power.
We don't stoop to mailing Noah. The hero calls everyone in a plan parenthood a murderer and then
beats up the security guard.
Okay, so you're probably going to
want to wrap it in a wet paper towel,
I think. Oh, that's so much.
Yeah, paper towel.
Can we pressurize the container so
that it like explodes out when they
open it? We can sure try.
Vacuum seal.
We just send Eli straight to them.
And we're back for the breakdown. I'm going to start off on a rainy night in a bad part of
town. And I have to be honest at first, I thought they were doing a clever, like silent open
because it's voiceless. And then I realized my headphones just weren't plugged into the
right. Jack. So now I would, this would be the last time I accidentally thought this movie
was clever. But, but anyway, so it's a rainy night and a truck's pulling up in a shitty
part of town. Now, we see a couple of businesses out front. The first we see is a children's
learning center, which seemed to not think to focus on all star kids learning factory.
What the fuck is that supposed to be?
I mean, I hoped it was the abortion clinic, because I knew there was a abortion clinic
in this movie, but man, is that a writer just faking his way through the first day?
Okay.
And what's the school called?
All star kids learning factory.
I'm sorry, Jerry factory factory.
Yep. Yep.
We also pan across a church sign. We're about to need a pastor guy and he's going to be at this
church. It's called the new life fellowship church, which is very subtle because we're about to
find out the abortion clinic thing. It like, yeah, but it will be like our lady of pre-come.
Like it's so, it's moving.
But I just want to be like our lady of pre-com like it's so. Yeah.
Yeah.
So a couple of gets out of the truck.
The, the, the rugged protagonist.
God, that's hard to say in relation to this character.
Yeah.
Well, he is a beautiful man.
That's for sure.
And probably another man who David A.R. White sees in his weird delusion mirror and then
puts notes on IMPG. probably another man who David A.R. White sees in his weird delusion mirror and then
votes on IMB.
Crazy. He's put that on every handsome actor on IMB eventually shut his account down.
This is Rusty Joyner, by the way, whose other credits include laser in dodgeball.
Yeah.
And also fucking Denver Riggleman and a Yeti on camera at some point in time because if your
name's Rusty joiner, I'm pretty sure that's what you have to do.
Yeah.
And we're telling you his name so that you'll know never to watch anything with his son
of a bitch in it.
Also, this is where we meet Eli's character, right?
Because the couple comes out, it's raining and the old lady comes out to bitch at him for
parking in her parking spot. Yeah. the couple comes out. It's raining and the old lady comes out to bitch at him for parking
in her parking spot.
Yeah. And I literally wrote as a joke, Irish abortion clinic lady comes out to yell at
this. Not knowing she would actually be a character I created for a sketch on stage.
And actually that character is amazing. Yeah. And she forgot to do an Irish accent for her.
Yeah.
First line, her very first line of the movie. She remembered halfway through the sentence,
and they kept it. So it was like angry New Yorker at first like, hey, you can't buy that. It's
noise.
Well, I wish you'd point out that like, because they go through her history, she's supposed
to be Scottish, right?
She's just so bad at the accent that you can't fucking tell.
Yep.
Anyway, okay.
So now we got to a church service, the pastor who by the way you will recognize from like
140 goddamn movies, right?
This motherfucker was in Django.
He was in Beverly Hills cop.
He was in Fast times at Ridgemont
fucking high. Anyway, the pastor is excited about the new church outreach program and they've got a
really good new person to lead it. Rusty joiner, the character that we had just met this, this
characters name is Jesse Dean. Jesse Dean. And he's a super a super soldier right he's an ex super soldier named Jesse Dean
Yep, and he and he's a self taught student of theology
So he didn't even pretend to learn fake things
Yeah, what the fuck would that mean like like cut over, cut over to a guy who got passed over.
He's like all mad.
He's floating a giant Bible out of a swamp with Yoda like bullshit.
So tough.
I don't even have a certification.
So he goes up to give his little thanks for hiring me speech and he goes up and basically
says, if you told me 20 years ago that I'd be ape in Kevin Sorbos opening monologue from the unmiracle, Ida said you
were crazy.
It's the exact same speech we saw two fucking weeks ago.
Yes.
If you'd have told me that I'd go from the heights of standing behind Ben Stiller and Dodge
Ball to this, I would have stayed a male model where I belong. Jesus. What a waste
of a still image this human is. Yeah, right. Sorry, did you not stand still and let people
take pictures of you for money for the rest of your life? You had to tell us how you felt, Rusty. Fuck you, Rusty.
So he's given this speech about how given this speech right now is at least as hard as his
multiple tours in Afghanistan where he was a war hero and super soldier.
I thought he was going to throw his notes away for a second.
So I can't do it.
I thought Afghanistan was hard, but let me tell you, your eyes burn like white phosphorus.
Am I right?
Anyway, my wife is great.
I want to give her a shout out.
Who's drinking a night?
And who's fucking tonight?
Oh, it's about, he really does a bunch of of bad like I could watch him fail at stand up
for hours. So, so rough like, all right, I'm just going to go off script. He looks at
his notes, throw these away dramatically. He tosses. Here I go. Just drove in from Oklahoma.
So what what's up, Doug smell like fuck. Oh, my arms are tired.
Steering this fuck.
And of course, through his speech, we're also interspersing this with shots of him like
cleaning out the storefront below the church where they're going to put his new outreach
center.
And apparently this storeroom is where the church kept all their dust. I sent him to run into this have a sham at any moment.
It's like, oh, he left me here.
I won't put on the second shoe.
All right.
So have a sham.
I have questions about what happened the first year when you were like, I'm not taking
this dress off.
Why was everyone cool?
Like now I get it.
Hard to get started. Once you're there, though, the momentum keeps you going, he gets it. All right. So after the service,
the pastor introduces Jesse to Taylor. Now this character has no need to exist. He is only
here to piss us off right now. It's so stupid. It's just like, hey, I want you to meet Will Taylor. He's played by a
real actor Brian Anthony Wilson. He was on the wire. He's our hairy Anderson.
Right. So he owns a bunch of car washes where after they wash your car, your car, they
stick a fucking Jesus pamphlet into it to make sure that I never come back. A pair of these do that to know us car, please do that to know us.
Willie, there's a guy shitting on those big spinny things outside.
He'd like to speak to you.
I just put like a bloody mannequin out my window, start screaming.
I just put like a bloody mannequin out my window, start screaming. Just like.
So yeah, and then okay, as he's cleaning up all of his stuff and everything, he walks
out to throw some junk in his truck and he looks up and this is where he first sees
the abortion clinic right across the street.
We get, we get like a Hitchcock dolly zoom pop scare for the word women's choice
clinic on a sign. It's so stupid. Like Roy Shiders. He's a shark behind it and it's all
right on his show back. Well, yeah. So here's the thing. What we see is a sign that says
and I quote, gynecological services, health service, unplanned pregnancy counseling, family
planning, STI testing
treatment, are you 486?
What the soundtrack sees is all you can eat, feed us stew.
Right.
And again, it's your movie, like even in their movie, they can't pretend women clinics
don't provide life saving healthcare to women and only rarely do abortions.
They can't even pretend it. No, it's your movie
You could create a place called Bob's abortion shack where it's just got like an electronic baby being pulled up and
chopped up in front of fucking
And it's filled with
If ever there was a city where that would be appropriate, it's filafuckin delfia guys making it into a cheese
steak. You got it. It's your movie. They did draw bullet points for all those things.
Now what you said along a pregnant belly shape. They did. Yeah. No. Like it's it's like
they thought that was clever. They were pretty excited. They're like bullet points. Get
it. Get it. It's going well be a little coat hangers.
It's got to make sense in a minute. Let me tell you.
Oh, yeah. And oh, by the way, also, can we talk about his hilarious fucking war limp?
Oh my god, it's amazing.
He looks like he heard his foot, but he's that's not going to keep him away from the
hopscotch championship.
Stammit, like through the whole movie and it changes legs and it gets worse and better. And he forgets about it entirely from time.
It's like that ladies accent. Oh, I wanted Kevin Spacey from usual suspects to be like,
come on, man, just nobody's nobody's buying that now. Let me molest you. All right. So
now there's this, there's this weird montage like he's going to a soup kitchen,
but like along the way he's training us though, he's going to kick that abortion clinics
ass later.
Oh my god.
He does the.
He does the plus on the underside of the subway.
Yeah.
Oh, first of all, gross.
Like don't stop.
That is revolting like the metal work inside a Philly subway.
Like they'll give you aides by looking at it. That's horrible. I so wanted him to drop down
in his hands or just covered in feces and come right. That is why.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But no, somehow that doesn't happen. goes to a homeless shelter. And I thought,
man, if only someone had aborted all these people. But this is where he's going to meet.
I'm going to say comic relief because that's clearly what they thought, right?
Yeah. Oh, are you talking about the homeless man outside of the shelter who wrote gay homopride on his face with
a sharpie because that's what gay pride people do.
Also drew balls and come on his chin.
Yeah.
Sharpie.
Yep.
Is that who we're talking about?
Uh, no, I was talking about Paul Rodriguez who didn't want crocodile dundee and L.A.
To be the worst movie on his filmography, I guess.
So he signed up for this one.
He's like someone doing a mean impersonation of Carlos Mencia.
Yes, yes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay, so his, and his character's last name is adorable, which is so fucking funny that they play
it for nine minutes a human right here.
Oh boy.
If you love 30 seconds of psych of the comedy of this movie was written by everyone who corrected
our pronunciation of a gopay last week on.
You know what?
This is a movie right here.
Right.
Yeah.
So Jesse Dean shows up and he's like, Oh, are you Mr. adorable?
And he's like, do I look adorable?
Do I not look adorable? And he's just like do I look adorable? Do I not look adorable?
And he's just like all angry and for, yeah, like a good five minutes is the link to this
bit, something like that.
Game of black friend.
I like, I see though, like I do that constantly to white people if I wasn't white.
I think I would fuck with it constantly like that.
Yeah.
I have been feeling that Paul Rodriguez just does this when you come to his trailer.
And they're like, no, no, no, get it on film.
So yeah, so they bring him into the homeless shelter where he's volunteering so that they
can explain to him how bread works.
And by the way, as someone who actually volunteers on a soup kitchen, this is not what soup
kitchens are like.
Okay, what this scene is missing is a cheery face group of church teens who try to get you to join them in a song until you threaten to start listing
kinks and then everyone gets quiet.
And you know, I mean, the kitchen anymore.
You just got to do the truck loading thing.
That's earlier, just a bullshit.
Can't kick me out.
Also, can we talk about Latina Lucille Ball who will not matter at all in the community,
but they're going to introduce her hard right here.
Yeah.
Say, and you're Rita, the Riveter, who works there as well.
Rosa.
Yeah.
She's, she's a, she's a, she's a, she's a, an angry teen who's a volunteer here.
And then it won't matter right away.
Or she's been, she, well, she well, she's been court ordered to be there.
But yeah, she's doing like community service because all the Hispanic people here are doing
community service.
It's only the white guy who's volunteering.
Yeah, exactly.
They have to be there.
All right.
So, so, you know, he bonds with Paul Rodriguez and then they go to serve a line of extras
from a Dickens play.
Oh my God. The balance of races on this line is racist. It's like you're aunt trying
to describe the neighbors without using the word black. They're on the feet. He's a with very muscular, he's very ape like nope, not what I meant.
And they end, of course, they have a Dickensian orphan.
Yeah, tiny Tim.
Tiny Tim and he doesn't, tiny Tim doesn't like soup.
He would prefer peanut butter.
His mother goes, you don't like soup.
And I wanted her so badly to be like, you don't like you either. I don't like you.
Why did you take him to a fucking soup kitchen lady?
You knew it's in the name of the kitchen.
Why is it always soup though?
Like I feel like there couldn't there be a fucking sandwich kitchen or like a half-roll
kitchen or something?
I don't know.
Yeah, I mean, other stuff.
Tiny Tim would have somewhere to eat at least. Right. But Jesse gives him a sandwich. Jesse's
like, oh, I got it. You know, like soup bad times with hot liquids. Get it, bro. You faster.
His sandwich.
All right. And then of course, we have to cut over to him and at his, Jesse, the main character, and his psych evaluation, right?
Oh my god.
And this is the best.
Like how long do I have to come in here?
God, I'm fine.
It's fine.
I killed a lady or whatever.
And cut a guy's head off, put it on a spike, but it was in his example to the rest of
his village.
God.
Well, it's so fucking stupid too, because like they're like, do you ever talk to your wife about
the incident?
And he's like,
Now, he's like, can you tell me about the incident?
And he's like, this is act one, dude.
Obviously no.
Right.
And they make this therapist so baffled that someone from the army would go to a church.
He's like, wait, you, you're in a church.
Do you ever just like accidentally kill someone?
Because that's all you know.
Like I don't know.
How do you know that you need your three kills a day now that you're addicted, right?
Just.
Yeah.
And what, but see, the doctor keeps going like, come on, tell me your trigger words.
Say I'm say I'm, and he goes, it does mean no good to hash up stuff that God has already forgiven
and I'm like, there's a great approach to mental health.
But that works out great for him by act three.
Huh.
Yeah.
And it seems like the movie is not aware that this movie proves that he isn't handling
his mental health.
Why?
Health correctly. This movie proves that he isn't handling his mental health, health correctly because
of the five fifth fights this character is going to get him sick.
Just out of curiosity, I'm just amongst this panel, how many fist fights have you found
yourself in in the last say 10 years?
This is a collective zero.
Yep.
It's a collective.
Well, 10 years, 10 years, definitely zero.
All right.
So then we're treated to an outreaching montage and speaking of him getting into fights.
And this is where it comes across the street preacher getting heckled.
Oh, yes, because one of the protagonists of this movie is a screaming crazy corner street
preacher.
Yep.
He's the Yoda of this film.
He's the Mr. Miyagi of this movie.
Yep.
Yeah.
So the Jesse comes across the street preacher and somebody tries to stop.
Now I have this character down as pecs through the rest of the movie. This guy who looks like fucking William's self portrait, but Puerto Rican.
Oh my god, yes.
Okay, so he decides he's going to defend the street preacher, but he's not up to the
challenge.
A couple guys beat him up so Jesse steps in.
Yeah, it's time for him to use his military wrist control carotid. Yes, he
actually does wrist control. This might be nothing but rear control. This is like my dad's
crazy friend who touched me too much as a child. The karate. It's just like you feel this, you feel this? That'll
make you drop a knife in your other hand. Yeah, right. Jesus, this fight was the worst choreograph
thing I've ever seen that like didn't include the words. No, no, remember, remember? Anyway,
yeah. So, but he beats up all the guys that were beating up the guy who was protecting
the street preacher and then the cops show up in arrest him even though he's the main character.
He's under arrest for curadying too good, obviously.
Yeah.
And the police interaction went super nicely for these white guys fighting on the street.
Yeah.
Really, he's like, excuse me, white guys who are knife fighting. Are these
black spectators bothering you?
Yeah, but as the cops are about to arrest him, old Irish lady shows up. She saw the whole
thing so she comes to his defense.
Excuse me, my lad. Don't you know that he's the main character of the
movie?
You must be letting him go now.
Let him go.
Okay, but she hadn't really locked in the accent yet.
Like he was doing there.
I was just going to Irish earlier.
She's now she's just workshopping different ones every scene during the movies.
Yeah, I think she's just going for like democratic socialist accent from wherever.
Yeah, there you go. There you go. So yeah, yeah, but she comes in and saves his butt.
And now him and Pex are buddies, right? So the next scene is Jesse given Pex a ride somewhere.
And he apparently P's got laid off.
He was a freelance superhero for crazy street preachers,
but got laid off.
Right.
And Jesse's like, oh, you don't have a job?
Well, I'm starting a fight club.
Is that helpful?
Or not, man, not even a little, okay, sorry.
I work at the Puerto Rican factory, you know,
being Puerto Rican, but
Puerto Rican factory, you know, being Puerto Rican, but Puerto Rican factory laid me off. But just to be perfectly clear here, no, he wasn't just kidding. Jesse, the preacher
outreach guy is starting a boxing training camp at his church. And he turns to pecs and
he's like, Hey, man, if you show up Friday at four, I can pretty much guarantee you're
going to be an ancillary character through the rest of the film.
Yeah, exactly.
Just someone want to be an over five.
See you Friday.
And again, as stupid as boxing in a church basement is, it's so much better than the activity
this movie concludes on.
Yeah.
Boy, isn't it?
All right, so now Jesse goes home.
His wife is taking care of him.
She seems really turned on by the fact
that he got into a fight in the streets today
while like outreaching for Jesus.
Oh my God, it is everyone from heath's hometown.
Just like, bed, bed,
Jesus fucking kick his ass, babe. She's fucking
kick his ass. So hang out in front of a TGI Fridays and you can ask people what the fuck
they're looking at and I'll smoke cigarettes.
And also I love this little light while she's taking care of him. She goes like, he goes
like, oh, and by the way, that old lady, I thought she was just going to be comic relief,
but it's starting to turn out like she's going to be involved in the turn of the film
up here.
Yeah.
Remember the Irish late.
Well, she's Romanian now, whatever.
Anyway, she's fucking hard.
She like blew off an atheist ear and just swallowed it.
It's at the end of the night.
Right.
It's crazy.
And she touched it and it was healed.
It was not. It was
nuts. All right. So then we cut Jesse has to pitch the preacher on this idea of boxing
church. And the preacher guys like, yeah, it sounds like a good idea. Let's get some fundraising
going so we can get other people to pay for it. You know, because of all the taxes we pay
on this building and all the free money we get weekly. And just like I didn't know all those
words. You just is.
It was an 11 letter one in there somewhere. Okay, make a list of stuff you want to trade
money for.
Food, water, no, no, just for the church thing, church, no categories. So bag of mass.
Got it. Got it. All right. So now wife and troubled teen cameo are helping out, helping
him set up his, uh, his boxing church. And what do you know, pecs does show up to be an over five.
And he brought another street kid and another and even more.
Oh my goodness, this boxing church is going to be huge.
Hey, okay, maybe a fucking coding academy or just anything.
Instead of a fight club, you fucking morons.
I'm trying to like a tough community and filly.
Idiots.
You know what this community needs?
Practice violence.
Come on. Exactly. Practice violence. Come on.
You named one boxer right now who doesn't have a great life.
That's what I thought.
I'm so dumb and they show up and they're like, all right, man, we're ready to reach out
to this community.
And Jesse's like, great, what are we waiting for?
Let's start punching. They're in the face. They're trying to punch me in the face.
Oh, no, he literally, they get into the boxing lessons
and he literally opens with, what would you do if I did this?
He did it, that's his opening line.
Yeah.
So, look, I'm no boxing expert,
but during the boxing lesson montage, he's showing them,
I can't imagine correctly how to take away someone's knife.
I don't think anyone has a knife in boxing.
Is that me?
I haven't tuned in for a while.
I'm going to be honest.
So we make it way better.
Sexy boxing at this point.
All right. So it's called a box knife.
The key here is that G he sure is reaching those kids through his altruistic bad ass
re and then we have this scene of like him punching the heavy bag like Captain America
or whatever, but instead of him like crushing it at the end, like when he reaches the apex
of the flashback, instead he just
glares over at the abortion clinic.
Like, I'm going to punch you down one of these days.
It's like he's preparing for a final fight with the abortion clinic.
And honestly, this movie ends so badly that it might have been better if at the end,
he had just punched the building until the building fell down and then a referee came over and it was like no more abortions ding ding ding ding.
All right.
So now we're wrapping up Jesus flight club and Pax is about to leave it above, but of
course, this is Christian outreach.
So Jesse says, oh, hey, man, here's a Bible.
You should read this.
It's got some real bad asses in it. Oh, yeah, man, here's a Bible. You should read this. It's got some real bad asses
in it. Oh, yeah, he's so youth best or here. Hey, you want to real, here a really awesome
story? How about this gangster named to, to, to, to, to Dave?
He's like, yeah, you want to see how real warriors fight. They throw rocks from a very great
distance like cowards, and then they have a man killed later so that they can fuck his way. Why, why don't you not read all the way to
the best seat apart? Literally just read what I sent you, please. Thank you.
All right. So then we, now we're going to meet Tracy. Tracy is standing across the street,
very depressed and crying, staring at an abortion clinic
lamentingly when Jesse shows up for work that day.
Yeah.
And his opening line here is, hey, you are going to kill your baby.
Kill your baby.
No, I was looking at the next block over.
I wanted to the all star kids learning. She looks
like Sarah Huckabee Sanders after a bad breakup. It's a rough situation though. You got to admit
there's like the the the abortion clinic or and then the the church right across the street
for me. It's like it's like a gym and a bakery across the street from each other. They should
have a like they should have settled their differences with a bowling league,
right? Big ladies just staring back and forth.
All right. So, and then so she turns to him and she says, you're a pastor, right? And he's
like, yeah, kind of, you know, and she says, will I see my baby in heaven? Because,
because I feel like that'll be awkward. You know, she'll be like, hey, did we hug her? Is it not? No, just a hand shake. I'll be fine. Mom, this bump got it. Nope. Hey, you
got. I don't think she's going to bud bump.
But she brings up the problem with Christianity here, right?
Because he's like, oh, well, because she goes, well, isn't your whole stick forgiveness,
right?
And he's like, yeah, but you're not, you're not supposed to think about that before you
do bad stuff.
Yeah.
Kind of breaks the system if you realize that it actually just lets you do whatever bad
stuff you want.
I actually just said God forgives everything like 10 minutes ago.
Oh shit.
So okay, then that night he and his wife are driving home and he is cranky.
Well, right.
And it's going to go a different way, but she opens up like she's like, did the army
unit call you back in for one last job?
Like she thinks that's what's going on.
He's like, no, no, this is a much dumber movie.
Then this isn't a damn flick.
I mean, she doesn't know what movie she's saying.
She's like, you being called in to kill Mickey Rook.
No, no, I just, I couldn't talk this lady out of murdering her baby, but yeah.
No, he's just
beating himself up for allowing that woman to exercise autonomy.
Right.
Oh my God.
The wife here is so amazing.
She goes like, hey, but maybe that is none of your fucking business.
And I want to just the credits to roll.
I watch this movie every day for a year if he was just like, yeah, that's you.
It's just like get the fuck out of this truck.
What's the point of this job if women are allowed to make decisions?
Why am I even a preacher if I can't, you know,
enslave and force birth women's, huh?
And again, like, I know, enslave and force birth women. Ha! Tom!
And again, like, I know we're gonna point this out a bunch to this movie, but this movie
already gives the game away.
Of course, he doesn't think it's murder.
We've already seen what this character does when he sees someone being physically assaulted,
right?
He runs over and he uses his magic karate.
He doesn't think it's murder.
He has this weird alter murder category
in his brain, which is why he's just bummed about the murder. Yeah, right, right.
All right. So meanwhile, back at boxing practice, Pex has to leave his girlfriend shows up
mid-practice and he stops and he's like, hey,, uh, did I see you in your lady murder
an unborn baby in that clinic the other day?
Yeah.
Apparently he saw them coming out of it.
I so wanted him to say, yeah, my girlfriend had a UTI,
you know, Zee fuck, why are you doing, why are you tracking us?
Oh, yeah, it's UTI, huh?
You got to, you got to make him pee, right? Can't,
can't let him just lie there. Oh, so, so boxing. Right. And his like buddy buddy approach here is
so amazing. He's like, Hey, if you ever want to talk, I mean, I would consider us, I guess you'd
say, Holmese, you know, would you consider yourself
one of my homies?
Do I have to say homies?
I don't understand.
Cup rolls.
I don't know.
And okay, so he leaves.
The preacher comes in and the preacher's like, hey, Jasey, are you sure you're not teaching
these kids to box because that's what it looks like.
It's supposed to be a church.
I feel like.
This is, you get that this is useless, right?
Like I need you to understand.
Like we can't, they really take 10% of a food stamp
if you know what I mean.
I'm talking about that.
Ha, ha, ha.
And then also as they're having this discussion,
a girl pulls up to get an abortion across the street
and like the car pulls up, all-base spin and rims
and she's just like jumps out and she's like,
I'll get three abortions, I'll be right back.
Does anybody else need one?
Should I pick one up for you?
Anyone need an abortion?
I'm running it, but I'm not coming back.
So if you want an abortion, I'm getting it for you now.
Okay?
So I'm gonna hit Starbucks.
So then Jesse turns to the preacher right then
and he goes, hey man, is somebody working
on the subortion clinic thing?
And I'm like, what the fuck do you mean working on it?
Ha ha ha ha.
Hey, why is nobody harassing these women?
Can I, you know, bring it up Wednesday?
Just sort of like brush the subject.
Just be like, hey, just want to throw this out there
since we're mixing things up.
Have we tried trying to rule over other people's bodies?
Because we're right here.
It just seems like it's.
Yeah, it's so, it's like so convenient.
We got a bunch of maybe.
I'm teaching people the punch.
I got a lot of fangs.
Maybe like in the face, I feel like that.
Otherwise, you won't write.
We wouldn't want to harm the
the being.
That would be a more
thing to do if I actually thought
this was murder.
I mean, I don't, I don't
just pretending because I've got a
weird category of murder.
But I, I mean, just like
father,
and then,
and then,
and then,
but the pastor's like, yeah,
okay, vigilante mob.
I'm not saying no, I'm not saying no.
So we cut to the church service where the preacher's like, hey, if you want to show up Wednesday
night, Jess is going to talk about a bunch of pregnant ladies and women with UTIs or something,
you should probably all show up.
Yeah, we're just going to have a little meeting.
It's not about a lynch mob.
Oh, except yes it is.
So, but there'll be punch.
Yeah, so then he goes home and this is where I worship
or should lady shows up again, you know, he's like trying
to help broke the street, the stairs and she doesn't need
his damn help walk up the stairs damn it
I'm just here to give you old lady wisdom
Yeah, her old lady wisdom seems to be
Fight someone
But he's trying to get her to come to the prayer meeting and she closes the door in his face and it's so funny He's like, yeah, we're having a prayer meeting about the clinic across the street
Maybe we're gonna wrestle women together. All right.
And she's slammin' it in his face because she's like mad that he's being a pussy about
the clinic and not like she's mad.
He didn't say bomb the clinic instead of pray on it.
So she slams the door in his face.
Well, and the thing is is that we don't know that at this point, the movie, at this point,
the movie she might as well just be going like, oh, you're going to harass women because
you're at assholes slam.
But no, it's because she wants to do way more than just harass her.
No half measures.
And just real quick, by the way, I want to correct myself.
Like a few times, the movie made me do this.
I've said abortion claim.
It's a women's health clinic.
They trick you and they said that's not the fucking only thing that's happening there.
Right.
Yeah.
Our show is not a stamps.com ad production company.
That's.
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right.
And then as if we didn't have enough reason to hate this goddamn character, we're going
to show a scene where he harasses the woman that works at the clinic on her way and
to work.
He's going to give her a piece of his mind. He's just shouting
at an employee about someone he doesn't know. Why is everyone making such a big deal about
it? Oh my God. Hey, so you know the girl you tricked into killing a baby while she was
weeping. I need her address right now. Please, I'm the good guy in a movie. The protagonist,
I'm yelling at a medical professional because my invisible
friend doesn't say that that's wrong because my invisible friend didn't know about any
of this shit. Can I have private information? You want to break some hymna laws for me?
Please, pretty please though, because I'm a pastor. I'm a good guy. I'm the good guy in
the movie. This movie was about a boxing something 40 seconds ago. Yeah. And
there was still hope for that for a second here because they they pan over and we see
the big security guard for the women's health clinic. And at this point, I'm rooting so
hard for a showdown with like what they believed to be the evil abortionist mercenary guard
over there, but they never get to that. But he's still, he's
he's dressed like cobra commando. He's all in black vest of knives and hangers. It's
fucking ridiculous runs this tongue along one of the hangers just.
All right. So now we got to that Wednesday night Lynch mob meeting and he opens it with
thanks for coming.
Should women be allowed to vote bad star?
Sorry.
Sorry.
Okay, but no hands.
I saw no hands.
So that's like then, but sorry.
Sorry.
Yeah, just.
And of course, it turns out that old Irish abortion clinic lady did show up to his lady harassment
meeting.
Okay.
This is where we learn how many abortions.
The clinic across the street.
Pointed, we all do the math on this one.
Performance a day.
Five to twenty abortions a day.
What?
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Okay, okay.
So, first of all, how the fuck did he get that number?
Five to, like, why would it be a range,
I guess it would be five to 20, but like,
how does he know they're like, did he countlated women and things that he was getting an accurate thing as people
want. But also, if that was a normal clinic, if this was like the average women's health
clinic in the United States, we'd have about 15 million abortions every year in America.
And it's like 3% of that.
Yeah, right, right.
Exactly.
I went a different way.
I said, Oh, wow, this clinic accounts for approximately 1% of all US support.
Yeah.
And like, what the fuck does he think is happening in there?
Five to 20 a day?
Like, like, there's a doctor in there doing 20 at the same time, just like blindfolded like Bobby Fisher.
Yeah, and I love that like they have the people in the church standing up and saying stuff like well, you know
they also do cancer screening. He's like, I'm awesome. Okay. I'll sit back down like the one lady stands up and she says
Hey, shouldn't we be trying to feed the poor
and stuff? And everyone's like, boo, fuck you. Go away. Let's know what this movie is
about. In fact, this movie actually seems to make a direct argument against feeding
the poor booze.
So here's my side of the math. I wanted to know where this number came from. So I googled
five to 20 abortions a day, which took me
to that's right. A pro life propaganda website where I realized that number doesn't come from
five to 20, you know, code hang or vacuum cleaner abortions. They're also counting plan B
in their sort of average abortions conducted by abortion clinics today. So when they give
out the emergency contraception to women, the pro life websites count that into how many abortions conducted by abortion clinics today. So when they give out the emergency contraception
to women, the pro-life websites count that into how many abortions take place category.
So like we did like one abortion and 19 women menstruated.
Yes, exactly. It's what they mean. Also, some of the websites, and this is my favorite,
like to include medically supervised abortions
that are miscarriages.
So like the babies are already dead,
but they're just like, yeah,
but the doctor took it out and didn't come.
Oh, sliding out on it so much.
So like, like you have to leave it like an apple,
like, like, what?
It has to be on the ground first.
That's fucking insane. And I be on the ground first. That's what
Yes. Now and and also this is of course where we learn that just how harsh old selectively
Irish lady is because when she realizes that all they're going to do is pray about that
abortion clinic, she's like, oh, you guys can go fuck yourselves that she spikes a fetus and walks the fuck out
Just cocks her C4 back to it.
Absolutely.
All right, whatever is going to be a talk about it, I will not be bothered this.
So, and then we get the montage where he drives to City Hall, just try to make them stop
killing babies.
He's like, I got a complaint about an abortion clinic. It's a abortion clinic. And on the drive, by the way, for a second, he looks at his
dog tags hanging in his rear view mirror there. And I thought he was about to invent tiny
little like puppy tags for fetuses. Like I thought he was gonna make it. We could sell the shit out of those though.
We should make puppy tracks.
We should totally make them.
And just.
Women just wearing like 19 different ones.
Like, yep, keep doing it.
Right.
Every time I'm making a great track and another one.
And I love this conversation at City Hall, by the way.
Yeah, right.
With the Zoning Officer, it's like them existing is not an actionable offense.
Yeah, it's so good.
That's an ablation clinic.
Exactly.
He goes, he goes, that clinic is perfectly legal unless they're doing something to break
the law.
It's amazing script.
It's so good. I wrote at this point, my nose. I'm like,
we're taking a sympathetic look at a guy who would go to the courthouse to see if they
could shut down a women's clinic for all the zygotes they killed. Like next week, Elyse
going to find a fucking documentary about Jeffrey Dahmer on the food network or something
that we're going to watch. Bob is trying to cook a skull better than him.
And this was, he was, this was like a zoning board thing, right? He was talking to the guy
for zoning purposes. Like, I was hoping the rest of the movie was just going to be him like asking
different low level government people like, hey, do me a personal favor change the law.
The Constitutional.
No, just got no like cushion.
Does that look up to code?
Look at those wires.
A satellite on the roof.
So, and also, Welles, at the court house, he happens upon crazy street preacher.
Again, the Mr. Miyagi of this film that's like, Hey, I know some great resources
for hating women's autonomy. Let me help you. Oh, yeah, he's got the pamphlet for the fucking
crisis center. Yeah. Right. Oh, God, like here's a, here's a fake women's clinic. If you
want to trick some, I do want to trick some women's. This is perfect. That's great. Yeah.
And he's there, by the way, for bothering people.
He was arrested for bothering people.
He's like, hey, and the main character of the movie is like, man, you are so brave and
awesome.
And he's like, yeah, a yell at people.
It's my calling.
I'm mentally ill.
No.
Seriously, I'm here.
I'm proving to the city that I was being super obnoxious at the exact maximum allowable
volume level.
So I'm allowed to do that.
I counted the decibels on this machine right here.
That's literally what he was doing.
That's what he was doing.
Yeah.
My job is basically not touching can't get mad.
So I'm not.
I'm not not clipping can't get mad.
All right. So meanwhile, back at boxing church,
which is by the way, totally the place to be all the street kids are there now.
Yeah, they're painting a mural and eating sandwiches. Yeah. And also by the way,
this is where he finds out the Camille that the troubled teen from earlier dropped out of the
community service program and will never be heard from or about again in this film.
Oh, it's emancipated.
Rump.
Yeah, like the fucking second unit director broke up with her before this.
Because they thought that the audience would be like, where's that character here? Or because they thought, oh no, each character has to have a resolution.
This is a resolution for her.
See, she left.
She's fine.
Here we go.
All right, so, but now Pex shows up with his girlfriend, Gigi.
That's her name in the fucking movie to talk.
It turns out she was at the clinic to talk to him about getting an abortion, but
she's not sure.
She might want to have the baby.
Yeah, right.
She tells him she's like, yeah, so I'm at 23 weeks.
It's, it's basically the two minute drill at this point.
So you know, I'm down to legal baby killing on this clock right here that I'm holding.
I need to decide.
But her mom will kick her out of the house if she has the baby.
Right.
So his advice, he weighs both of those things and he's like, don't murder your fetus.
Yeah.
Look, maybe talk it through with your mom.
Explain that someone who got pregnant as a teenager is going to be a great responsible
parent.
Trust me.
Trust me. If you have demonstrated anything to me,
it's that you make great decisions.
And you should be able to do someone else.
After all, you're getting medical advice from a pastor,
so it's gonna go crazy.
You have got your shit together.
My mom doesn't think I can handle it,
but I think we're ready for a kid.
My boyfriend who I'm not married to
loves spending time with me.
And I live with my parent at age 25.
And my boyfriend's got this sweet new gig
as a fight club fighter.
So, and he's thinking about a job too.
God, is this exactly who abortions are for
Society we need so many more abortions by people like this and we're so much better
All right, so now our
Hero
Those to a goddamn crisis pregnancy center and this is where my notes are all in caps.
In the movie, is it a crisis pregnancy center, which for those of you who are not aware,
is a place that pretends to be a women's clinic.
But then gives you a ectosoundy fucker, whatever that thing is called.
Holds you down and then explains that it hurts you to have an abortion.
They just lied.
It is churches that dress people up in costumes.
They generally dress up in nurse and doctor costumes and then lie to you about the risks
and rewards of abortion. Second only to like ISIS holding
centers in American evil places and our protagonist is there.
Yeah, the place where they put immigrant babies maybe or something like that. I expected
the fucking payday loan guy to come in and save the day at some point in this fucking movie.
Right. It's especially all propaganda at these places,
but they accidentally put like an atheist character
in this crisis center.
Like Jesse gets there and the nurse,
or like so-called nurse at the crisis center is like,
oh, so you want help for a woman who's completely poor and has no prospects,
but wants to have a baby.
I'm just spitballing here.
Maybe your church could help before someone's that big.
I'll tell you what, why don't you take some of those solid wooden benches or stained glass
windows, you sell them, right?
And then you support a whole bunch of women like, up, you're gone.
You're gone. You're gone.
Yeah. Right. But the real reasoning is that they just don't have enough dedicated zealous
to go all the way across down and, you know, oppose all the abortion clinics. So she gives
him some misogyny pamphlets to take home, you know, some how to harass ladies. And first of all, it's called field manual for abortion ministry.
Yep.
That's the title of this piece of pamphlet.
And on the front of it, do I have this right?
There was a Roman soldier on a horse stabbing a dragon with a spear.
What the fuck were they going for there? What do they, I'm so confused by this.
But field manual for abortion ministry, I expected that was something you get to like the back of
Ikea, like they give you a hex wrench and like a suction thing and they're like, I mean, it's got
23 steps, but this will kill your fucking baby. Let me tell you. That's the view. Dishmurn at the end.
You got an extra like little piece of leg and you're like, I don't know what this is
supposed to go.
An extra fingernail.
So.
All right, so he goes home to commiserate with Irish abortion clinic lady.
She's brought him a gift.
Now this is okay. All of us have this exact same note,
right? This is where she starts telling him that disturbing Irish folk tale or whatever
about the heart. Listen, fun story. You're going to like this. My great-grandfather caught
the dead heart out of a car. So wait for it. He puts it into a little box and then he throws
it at a guy during war and then he do it. Cool, right? And then fun story right then in the story,
as she's talking about her great-grandfather carrying a box with a human heart around and she says,
hold on, I've got something to show you. And she goes to a box. Now every wall we all
have, oh my God, there's a heart in that box. But no, it's just, it's an old flag.
Oh, it had been Gwyneth Paltrow's head. Happy. No, you've been hard.
Yeah, that, that, that movie has really become a happy ending type thing.
Yeah.
But no, it's a battle flag so he can ride into battle against the abortionists, you see.
Yeah.
So it's a confusing message.
He was like, all right, I think I know where you're going with this, but just to be clear,
you want me to put a fetus in like a bag or a box and
then throw it at people?
Is that, and she's like correct.
Also maybe bomb the building.
She's like cough, mumble, bomb the building.
I said cough from the bomb.
What if I do it with that building?
Have the accent.
Is that better?
Better?
Look into my eyes.
So, here's some C4.
And of course, we learned here too that she just doesn't like the way that church has
changed her dad or husband or something.
Started this church, but she was sick about them like not harassing women and not burning
down the buildings of the people they she didn't like and stuff.
So she gave up on it, right?
Yeah.
Exactly.
Church wasn't hardcore enough for her.
And now we cut to Tracy looking over her ultra sound and despair and Eli has written
as the scene cue here, blurry photo of nothing because like, hey, maybe find a picture where
it's not so obviously indistinguishable from a fucking dad Paul, right?
Doesn't that work against your message? Where you're just like, oh, she killed those two pixels. I feel like those
two pixels didn't mind. Yeah. Again, it's your movie. Get an ultrasound of a baby and
pretend that's right.
Feet is this look like. It looked like a tarry graphics. It's the part of anti-abortion
propaganda. I've never understood is them showing you a
fetus you can abort and being like, that's a baby.
No, it's not showing to a king.
What is that?
I'd be like frog.
Yeah, right.
And okay.
And then of course we have the scene where Jesse's wife finds all his abortion pamphlets
tucked under shit in his drawers.
Like porn. Right. He's like leafed into his porn or something.
Big booty bitches for a field guide manual to abortion.
What? And then and then abortion girl, the girl that he tried to talk out of the abortion earlier in the movie,
but walked away because all he could think of to say was, I'm a boxer.
Has now killed herself.
Yeah, we watch her taking pills and then she ends up like, but while this is happening,
I just wanted so bad for her to get pelted in the face with a human heart.
He just runs in and saves her.
It's kind of just ladies, I'd none to run bush.
Is that human heart?
Yeah, no, it's all I'll explain that part later.
But you have to be watching the whole movie up to this way.
Yeah.
He's a nerf gun or something, man.
Like that would have been fine with a nerf gun.
That's weird.
Okay.
Well, yeah, no, she has killed herself.
And then and then someone sat her in a very odd position,
like one that would she took pills and then she positioned herself
like she was getting broken on the wheel.
What the fuck?
She's like putting herself in the position of the beginning of manhunch.
She's like, yeah, I want to be on it.
Wouldn't be on the front of a hitchcock DVD.
Yeah.
Appreciate that. If you're going to kill yourself, put yourself in a fun position.
Okay. But downward dog, though, like I feel like, so she's doing the sprinkler.
Yeah, just keep in mind, Reagan Mortis is going to make it funnier.
Yeah, just keep in mind Reagan mortgages gonna make it funnier. Yeah.
All I'm saying.
So now he sees in the newspaper that she's killed herself, right?
Yeah, with a headline just like, area woman incorrect about how heaven works will not.
He's like, I wanted him to open the paper and it reads like abortion.
Super fun.
But yeah, but then he goes to her funeral.
Well, he looks at the abortion clinic across the street.
Like God damn it, abortion clinic killed another one.
Yeah, but killed another one. Yeah, but killed another
one. And look, we're, we're going to get to how terrible this funeral is, but just for
the record, people don't regret abortions because abortions are bad. They regret abortions
because assholes across the street tell them they're murdering a baby. Right, because Christians are bad.
Yes.
Exactly.
Normal people don't regret abortions the way they don't regret.
I don't know.
Sneezing or taking a big shit.
It's healthcare.
Yeah, God for fuck's sake.
You know what?
I'm super happy about not being a dad right now.
Gotta be honest.
Yes, super.
Happy about that.
You know what? I'm super happy about it. He's not being a dad right now. got to be honest. Super happy about that. You know what, I'm super happy about he's not being a dad right now.
Yeah, exactly.
So three votes.
Well, two votes.
I would like a little nephew.
Grab a
Hey,
I'm your
Chubs.
Come here Chubs.
Um, so
Grab them.
All right.
And then of course he gets your general.
He immediately starts flashing back to the other parts of the movie in case you needed
Bingo. And by the way, the corpse is pretty much snoring.
Okay. There is nothing weirder that you goy-um do than an open casket. Can I tell you that?
There is nothing stranger that the Christians do than being like, anyone want to check
this out one last time? Here she is. I'll make sure you're not at the wrong funeral. Yeah.
Oh, I really want to see a second open casket for the fetus.
Like a tiny little open casket.
Oh, she's holding it like on her chest.
Just right there.
That would have been odd.
The guy from Goliath caskets is there.
He's like, hey, look, it's our, it's our David model.
We got a little guy with the, a minutes here, making money on this now too. Big little casket. And then
the bureaucracy. And then he literally, he goes up and introduces himself to the family.
Hey, I'm real sorry for your loss. I met your daughter when I was screaming at her that
she was a baby murderer from across the street as she went into that a person clinic.
And the family's not happy that he came in all what a bunch of dicks.
And why with this this movie makes the right argument.
The movie's like, oh, you're the guy who gilted my teenage daughter into suicide with your
bizarre, horrible theology.
And he's like, oh, oh, it's me.
I'm the one who, I just realized I'm the one who upset your daughter.
She wouldn't be upset if someone just explained her how many cells and how not sent you to
that thing.
But I pretended it was a baby and so she, oh, people take seriously the things I say even though
I don't and demonstrate with my behavior, I don't actually believe it's murder.
I got it.
He's a good see.
Is this food?
He's sorry, but definitely doesn't really get why he's sorry.
Yeah.
They're like, hey, what did you fucking say to her?
And he's like, ah, I think I punch her in a face.
I was, I definitely, it was my second day.
I'm really sorry.
I didn't, I'm not, word murderer was in there.
I told you that God would not forgive her.
What else?
But instead of realizing that he's a giant piece of shit
and you know, lying under a train or quitting acting
to go back to male modeling,
Russy, he goes to box that abortion.
Oh my God.
Okay, the soundtrack is absolutely convinced that he is going to punch that clinic until
it explodes right now.
My scene cue, by the way, for this was for this next scene is in the belly of the beat.
Yes, right. It goes into the clinic and it looks like a horror.
Like I don't think one of those cheap ass haunted houses you go to or whatever.
There are 400 women there all just coat hanger hanging out of their coach.
Yeah, the clinic is packed like it's happy hour.
Like it's five deep and they're waving cash at the bartender.
Like it might as well be a deli counter. And there's just a giant line. There's like a
nightclub line out the door, fucking lasers and disco balls. And everyone looks up and
they can immediately just tell he doesn't belong there just because he has no uterus or gynecological needs, right?
And he walks up to the desk and goes,
hello, I'd like to speak to the head baby murderer.
He literally says, I'd like to speak to the manager just to make me hate him more, right?
Just to make me hate him more.
He says, I want to speak to the manager. This
baby has his is under a cut. She was like, all right, do you have your receipt? I don't
keep that. I think I it's in this garbage can. I'm going to go through this. Yeah. Who
does he think the manager of an abortion clinic is like he is he's gonna get called into Gus
Frings office.
Come here.
Yeah, but she's like, sir, I you're gonna have to leave and keep in mind like already in
this film, he's followed workers there to the clinic screaming at them, right?
So they know who this person is.
She's like, sir, you're gonna have to leave.
And then he starts going through the waiting room,
showing pictures of suicide girl
to all the patients and yelling,
did they tell you you could wind up like this girl?
Yeah, did they tell you you're all gonna commit
suicide like this?
And I want everybody to be like, no,
we're, you don't seem to get, we're doing this instead.
Yeah, that's the lady in the don't seem to get, we're doing this instead. Yeah.
The lady in the picture never had the abortion, right?
And he's like, hold on.
Okay, I get, I get confused by stuff.
Right.
And then the security guard comes over to stop him from screaming at a waiting room full
of women in a healthcare center.
And he's like, just give him a minute,
give me a minute. And then he karate is the security guard. He beats the security guard
up after they get outside, right? He's already outside. And then he attacks the fucking security
guard. Yes, the good guy in this movie is like, back off, man. I'd hate to have to fuck you up
for me harassing those women in the abortion clinic.
I have to say honestly, like this is the first time I've actually had to like just throw
down my headphones and discuss it. Any of the movies we've ever watched, I don't think
I ever got as physically pissed off by any scene as this one.
So many of my notes for this movie are, I want to fight the cast of this movie. I'm not going to
win a fight against Rusty Joyner, but I'd love to try. If someone got me a fight with Rusty Joyner
for my birthday, in my heart and prayers forever, you got to place in the Christmas card list. Yeah, yeah.
So I mean, agree, I was furious at this point, but then it all turned around for a second
and I actually laughed out loud because at this point, he's still in his funeral suit.
He's in an all black suit that he wore to a funeral just a moment ago.
And you see that Jesse Dean is wearing a chain wallet. Nothing has ever captured a character better.
Then this guy wearing a chain wallet with his funeral suit for the woman who committed
suicide because of him just now. Right. Right. Yeah. All right. Well, my heart rate monitors
beeping and I'm not even wearing it
So that's a clear side we need a break for first. Let me give act three the hard sell here
Will this movie go fuck itself with a 2x4? Will that 2x4 be good and splintery?
Will I set it on fire first find out the answers to these questions and more when we return from the medieval conclusion of
voiceless.
Heath? Heath and my oh, uh, hey, Ashley, what are you doing here?
I work at the doctor's office. Are you here for a checkup?
Yep. Yep. Just getting my, uh, checkup.
Geez, I haven't seen you since high school. How have you been?
I've been good.
I haven't good.
Oh, hey, doctor.
Hello, nurse.
Uh, he, uh, here are your dick pills.
They are pills for your dick.
And now you have them.
These are your just.
What?
No, that's his.
This is some kind of, huh?
Some kind of mix up.
I feel like just check the name again on the thing.
No, mix up.
Just checked.
These are your dick pills.
You ordered them.
Here at the doctor's office.
Remember, you just waiting in the waiting room for like an hour and then you asked me about
your dick with a conversation about your dick.
And now I'm giving you dick pills in front of Nursashley here.
Actually, I'm giving you these dick pills.
Cool.
Cool.
Do you have like a like a knife somewhere?
As this ever happened to you, well, next time, try four hymns.com, a one-stop shop for like a like a knife somewhere. a month of him's for just $5 today right now while supplies last. See website for full details.
This would cost hundreds if you went to the doctor or pharmacy. Just go to four hymns.com
slash gam. That's F-O-R-H-I-M-S dot com slash gam. Four hymns.com slash gam. Say hi to your
mom and dad for me. Yeah, me too. I actually know your parents as well.
Cool. Cool. Yeah, probably won't get to do that because, uh, it'll be dead, me too. I actually know your parents as well. Cool. Cool. Yeah, probably won't get to do that because
It'll be dead, but cool. No, I'll keep that in mind. Say hi
Check the label one more time
Yep
Okay
It's not often that one of the running characters in our show goes on to other art and media for those who aren't familiar
Catholic abortion clinic Irish lady first appeared on scathing atheist during a sketch about crisis pregnancy
centers. But I speak for all of us here at Puzzle and a Thunderstorm. When I say we're
shocked to find out about Irish abortion clinic lady's career as an actress outside of our
show. But we're pleased to have her here with us today, Catholic abortion lady. Welcome
to God awful movies. Oh, bless your soul. No, thank you for having me on.
So tell us, how did you land the part of you?
Oh, it is a funny tale indeed.
I actually live in the building.
They shot this movie and I just kept walking into
shot and yelling these lines at people till they kept the footage.
I see.
And what would you say to those who say this movie is
Proviolence, anti-woman, and so bad that if the rap party had taken place in a burning
Drum of oil the world would be a better place
Who said that? Well, I just did I see
Is there anything that got left out of the movie that you wish had made it in? Oh, indeed there was snow. Let me play a clip for you
Don't understand Mrs. Bagora. I can't just go next door and like start.
What uh what's on your hand there? What are you doing?
Oh no it's a ghost of the king of Scotland here to haunt you for not saving the
babies. Oh why won't you go far and save the babies okay i'd see what you're doing but
that
is a sock puppet
listen to me
you must throw me heart it goes evil abortion doctors
throw it
okay that now give it to take it that
that's your poop
that's
it's poop ghost poop nonetheless know give it to take it that that's your poop that's spoo
ghost
nonetheless
okay well irish abortion clinic lady uh... the person in this movie was
Scottish but fucker forever thanks for stopping by
i'll be a thing on you and your home no
uh...
and we're back for more this shit when we last left our hero he was assaulting
the security guard a women's clinic he was harassing people in so we're going for more of this shit when we last left our hero he was assaulting the security
guard at a women's clinic he was harassing people in so we're going to rejoin him
dejectedly pushing food around his plate thinking all the fetuses he didn't save that
day.
Yeah, and who doesn't smile when they have low main and fried rice like fuck these people
wait, hey, he maybe it's somebody who's in fucking wake Ross, Georgia and knows what good Chinese food is supposed to taste like.
Yeah, but they're, they're just doing the angry fork noises with the Chinese.
I guarantee you they were eating the Chinese food with chopsticks out of the box and then
realized they couldn't do the angry fork noise.
So, okay, and then there's a knock at the door.
The cops are here because in the last scene, he assaulted an innocent man for doing his
job.
Yeah.
And the, and the, the character's like, no, he assaulted me.
I'm like, this is your movie.
You could have made that happen.
Yeah, you could not be wrong in this movie.
Yeah. happened. Yeah, you could not be wrong in this movie. Yeah, first just because I was in the abortion clinic and he kicked me,
he kicked me in my soldier leg. And let's be very clear that his,
the securities guard's job was to kick him. Yes. Right. Like he tried to
get him to leave without force, but like in the movie, the guy
fought back until he had to drag him out. Yeah, and you should kick him in the prosthetic leg.
At that point, if he has a leg, that's like a good move. That's just a good security guy.
And for the prosthetic leg, you learn anything from our show, but the cops are like, so it's cool,
though, the clinic isn't pressing charges so we just came to keep
you abreast of the plot.
I guess.
But yes, the fuck they are pressing charges.
Are you kidding me?
I will jump into my TV screen and find this fucking fictional clinic and make a press
charge.
All press charges and just imagine a Christian movie where someone walked into the church, assaulted
the pastor and yelled at everyone that God isn't real, and that the Catholic Church is
a bunch of child rapists.
So imagine how is that the protagonist of any movie ever?
Yeah.
Right, right, exactly.
Yeah.
And then he starts yelling to the cops.
He's like, listen, this girl killed herself.
So it was either blame, never admit it was mostly my fault.
What do you expect me to do?
And so they leave the cops leave, you know, with a Tisk Tisk.
And then like, stop it.
Right.
No bad.
We will rip this newspaper.
Sleep off your vigilante.
But then the wife is super upset too because he didn't tell her about the felonious assault.
How dare him?
Well, that's not what she focuses on being mad about though.
She says, my mom knows about this now.
What fuck you have this fuck?
What?
Like I hated her more than the pro life vigilante assault
or things like that.
And then he says to her, he's like,
look, they knew that girl wasn't sure
and they made her go through it in any way.
Now, even within this movie's universe,
he would have a, no way of knowing that and be no reason
to believe it could even possibly be true. You could have put a scene in the movie, right?
Where the girls like, I don't really know about this in the abortion clinic is, uh, manager
or whatever is steepling our fingers and, you know, like giving a putter and a goddamn
James Bond destroying device of some sort or whatever
you could have had that happen.
Where she elbow drops out of the ceiling onto the girls' uterus.
I don't know something.
Right.
Like that could have happened in the movie.
It didn't.
Why are you making your terrible, hateable protagonist lie about something you could have
written into the fucking movie?
You didn't have to make your protagonist a liar.
That's right.
You have to, your protagonist always has to be a piece of shit
by the actions he's going to take, right?
But you can recreate the universe and call it abortion hot.
And the girls just walking in, she's like,
Hi, is this orange Julius?
Oh my God, they took my name.
You can do that.
It's your movie.
It's not like it would be less realistic than God exists in this movie.
Yeah, you don't have to make me fighting your main actor on my bucket list.
You don't have to.
All right, so but now he's getting in trouble with the pastor for criminally assaulting people.
Yeah, and his boss is, let's just say a little bit p.o.d about the assault and trespassing.
Yeah, a little little testy, little testy.
More importantly, I don't want cops snooping around our cemetery fund, you know, don't draw attention.
All right. So then that night, he's, he's asleep, but somebody's there to see him.
Gigi got kicked out of her house and she's there with Pax because they need a place to sleep.
Right. And so for some reason, the wife is like,
quizzing him on whether or not Pcs is going to be a good baby daddy.
Her first question, the wife's first question when she's like, I told my mom I was thinking
about keeping the baby and she kept, kicked me out.
The wife turns to pecs and she says, well, what does the man think about this?
That's the most important thing.
They never ask Gigi what she thinks.
They only talk to her boyfriend.
Yep, she goes.
So you're fine with both of these scenarios.
You're fine with not murder and also equally fine with murder.
That's what you're saying.
And he's like, yes, this is the way you said it.
But yes.
And then she goes, this is as much the man's decision as the woman's and I'm a woman.
So I can say the end word.
I'd like she's a lot of heaven.
You need to force her to give birth, okay?
That's equal decision making, right?
And then again, because this movie can't even fantasize about a universe where this is a good idea.
They fucking shake on it.
You know, these teenagers who got pregnant without meaning to, they shake on it so we know
it's solid gold.
He's going to be a great dad.
He's with her through thick and fucking thin.
And also like this, this is how bizarre and stupid this movie is now suddenly Jesse is mad at his wife for letting them stay there.
Yeah, the first thing is like, why would you let those snowsman in my house?
Come on.
Yeah.
And then he physically abuses his wife while giving her a lecture about feminism. Literally, he dragged
you out of bed. He uses wrist control again and he's telling her about standing up for women,
but by taking away their bodily autonomy rights. That's what's happening in this movie.
Oh, here's an actual line for that insane fucking scre insane fucking screen. He says, a woman has already died. And now this girl has nowhere to stay. And on top of that,
they're murdering babies right under our nose. Let's leave off the collective nose there for a
second. And look, but again, the woman has died because I harassed her and made her think she
was a murderer. This girl has nowhere to stay because I told her to go against the wishes of the person
who was paying her bills.
You're the fucking bad guy.
Yeah, look at all the harm I have caused in this movie.
He might as well be like, and now your arms hurt.
What's happening?
Somebody yells from the alley, hey, shut up. We're trying to have a baby killed
here. We're fucking up the mood. Oh, for fuck's. Okay. So now Jesse is going to go give
Gigi's mom a good talk into about kick and her pregnant teenage you're out of the house.
Yeah. And the description of this room for Gigi's mom would be a squalor.
I would say it just had squalor and brackets on the fucking script.
Yeah.
Also, how old is Gigi's mom or how do you think the movie thinks?
Why is this?
Because the actress has a real age.
She would have to. So with the character, you all everybody. Yeah, she would have to.
So with the character, you all, everybody has one age at the present moment, but they're
like is she she's 30.
She's eight like the way she's dressed up is is parts of each of those ages 30 and 80.
It's insane.
Yeah, she's either 25 or one of those ghost twins from the matrix to it's clear. And the mom, she is the most
sympathetic character of this movie
by far.
She's like, okay, so you've decided
to give my daughter all kind of advice.
How long have you known my daughter?
And he's like, oh, it's almost negative.
Oh, what time is it?
Yeah, right.
We had a sleep over with your teenage
daughter. That much. I know. We had a sleep over with your teenage daughter.
That much.
I know.
We played mash, orange, right.
But again, because this woman does manage to straw man at the very end after whipping
the shit out of him in a casual conversation, she's like, look, you can bring as many church
people you want to my house.
But this is a baby murdering house.
You hear me?
It's like a crochet pillow? It's like crocheted abortion
on the corner. She's like, see?
I'll tell you, she can have a baby if she could show me a bank balance of any bank, if
she has a bank account, if she has a physical bank account with any number, she can have
a baby. Yeah. All right. So now, I guess he tries to pawn Gigi and Pax off on Irish abortion clinic lady upstairs. I want to watch this sitcom. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Summer, she's a pregnant preteen being pressured into keeping her baby.
But mom, I want to keep my baby.
And she's an Irish stereotype so offensive we might not make it to air.
You mustn't give in to the darkness, me boy, throw a brass locket full of a dead guy's heart at that clinic.
From the makers of God-friended me and living biblically comes in the nick of time
Now who's water broke all over me?
Coming this fall
My that's a good show
Certainly better than this all All right. So yeah.
And of course, she's like, oh, I don't want to take him.
And he's like, oh, no, no, you said take action and act to dammit.
She's like, oh, I didn't say take action and act to that's back when I had the Romanian
accent.
Yes.
And then we get his limp jogging montage.
He limp jogs because of the war entry you see.
Right.
While we get his war story. Yeah, right.
So he goes back to the psyche, Val, and he's like, Hey, man, can you just sign off on my
file and say, I'm not crazy. I haven't beat up anybody in like four scenes. And the guy
goes, I can, but first you're going to have to reveal your mysterious backstory. And
it's so boring. Oh my God, it's zero creativity here.
Yeah, and so he gives the story and sadly, it does not have a fetus involved.
I was going to have a heart.
It's a whole story to have a fetus dragging them off the battlefield.
They're like a fetus jumping out of a unarest and diving in front of a bullet or something
or something.
I was expecting at least he had to shoot, you know, shoot through a pregnant woman's
belly to get the bad guy or something, but no.
No.
He just gets a purple undifferentiated heart or something.
Yeah, it's nothing.
Oh, if a fetus had saved his life, this movie would have undone us.
Like if they're just going to see, we're just like, no, no, we're getting mad at you together.
No, Sergeant Baby, don't do it.
We're gonna break up, we would have no episode this way.
We just be like, hey, we're all really sorry everybody.
We, it's really good.
We bought you all a DVD of this movie.s a dragon. Oh, that was the thing.
We're all ties together.
The hamlet is totally makes sense. Okay.
So the next day he shows up and this is the day that he's going to finally take that
crazy street preacher mentally ill guy that gets dragged to the courthouse occasionally
for screaming at people. He's going to take that
guy's advice and stand outside that clinic to harass people.
This is our protagonists harassing people outside of an abortion clinic montage.
And it's like the cheek and he get up the guts to bother these poor women who are again,
mostly just coming in for routine checkups and shit.
And again, this movie didn't have to show that, right? The first person he talks to me is like,
uh, hey, I just want you to know you don't have to kill your baby. And she's like, I'm here for a
pap smear, you're all the evil in the world. And he's like, oh, it's your movie. make the first one of pregnant teen who's like, oh,
gee, oh, Jesus, please give, Mrs.
San to keep my baby.
I'm going to name him Jesus.
Right.
Don't make it a woman who's just like I have uterine cancer.
Oh, this would be beautiful.
The miracle.
And also they like they show him given out the information and like completely
indiscriminately. We all have some message about the septogenarian lady that he gave one
to right? He gives one to a 70 year old Mexican lady. What? Yeah, maybe he's maybe stopped
that baby boy in a stroller too. Seriously, I wanted like, Rhonda Rousey to walk up to him and he just like turns around
and starts whistling like, I don't know, I don't know, I'm not doing anything.
But you know, of course, it's a montage.
So we, we see him getting slowly better at harassing people with pamphlets.
And well, gee, that woman's crying.
He must be doing something, right?
Ha.
Yep. If you make him cry, it's better. It's, it might as well be a pickup artist. Like,
how about you and I? Just go grab a drink or something somewhere, huh? Like, you know,
she, she knows she puts out. And then we meet possibly my favorite character of the movie.
He is 70 year old man with 30 year old mistress.
Yes. Radical abortionist. He's here to force Kate McKinnon to get an abortion, dammit.
Yeah, exactly. He is going to brow beat this lady into an abortion if it kills him. Spoiler
alert. It will. Um, so yeah, but, but first he, he like,
he tries to give her a pamphlet and the guy's like, hey, man, leave her the fuck alone,
right?
Because at this point, he's still a good guy. And then they square off like Jesse's gonna
fight this 68 year old dude.
And obviously, the good guy in a movie would fight a 68 year old man.
That's not a medical establishment that he was trying to go to.
That would be crazy.
So okay, but not yet anyway.
All right.
You got to build to that. Yeah, exactly.
You can't just throw that out right away.
All right, then then we get Jesse's
girl. She's getting off of work and the cops are there to talk to her about her husband
because they're like, Hey, you know, he seems incredibly violent. We thought like, you
know, just basic decency we should come by and when he's not around and ask if he hits
you.
Is he done anything weird? And she's like, uh, are we counting the assault from before? No, and she's like, okay,
well you guys are being weird by not counting that assault before your police officer.
It's just to see you remember. And she, she is mad that they're bothering her at work.
The irony that this movie is like, oh, they're bothering her at work.
Is so, I mean, they might as well rape her and forcer to have a baby in this.
Oh, I'm like, come on.
Yeah, I know with that.
Pretty funny.
But then he's mad, right?
Cause he shows up at this point when they're questioning and he's like, I can't believe you
would just bother some innocent woman just trying to live her life.
What?
And she makes a bombs joke. He's like, is he
done anything out of character? And she's like, I mean, other than making bombs, get it.
It's a joke because that's something that people do all the time. It's actually really,
really common for people who behave like my husband to plan violence against abortion clinics.
We're gonna, we're gonna go opposite day with that in the movie, but, yeah.
We're, we're referencing it here just to remind everyone that on a regular basis, people
who behave like my husband kill people.
So, all right.
So, so he comes up and he tells the cops, like, get the fuck away from her.
I'm white.
You can't do anything about me.
And then he can a fight with a cop
Imagine the privilege of like hey man, you want a fucking go? Yeah
Citizens assault
All right, so then him and his wife go to the truck to talk it all out and
this is where
For fuck's sake we learn that
This is where for fuck's sake, we learned that she once had an abortion too and what motivates him every day is thinking about how old his baby would be if she didn't murder it.
Right.
And again, the proof of that is that these people, the proof that these people don't believe
this is murder is how casually they don't give a fuck about this, right?
They're sitting in a truck being like yeah the time we killed our baby
Bums me out
We're being really funny if she killed herself though she pulls out a gun. I can't do it
Curse you abortion
Human heart flies into the car
human heart flies into the car. Oh, there she is.
There she is.
You're little late, little bit late.
She already shot herself, but I see what she's trying to do.
Okay, but that abortion they had, did that not allow them the free time now to deal with
this abortion clinic?
I mean, I feel like it's all, that's, that's a positive.
Maki Avelyian abortion. Yes.
And also, by the way, they do this twice in the movie.
At this point, she refers to a zealot crusade as quote, trying to start your own civil rights movement and quote, okay.
Guys, okay.
Like your thing still moves rights, right?
Like backwards is a direction,
but that's not, you can't just use that phrase
anytime you move rights either way.
Okay, you don't have, it's a better effect.
You never, ever, ever, ever get to use those words at all.
Nope, nope, that is, that is not for you ever.
All right, and by the way, this is the point where I was writing things in my nose, like 25 minutes when you subtract a credit, guys. Yeah. And mine is just like, Hey, I managed
to Google where Rusty's agent is, do you think if I call the ass for the address, I could
fight him and we could fill it. Patreon go, I have a lot of suggestions.
We had to talk as a cast. I'm not allowed to make. Yep. All right. So, okay. Now we go back
to boxing church and what do you know that woman that was with the 74 year old sugar daddy
that was getting brow beat has now come into his church because he has convinced her
that a wizard is going to burn her ghost when she dies if she gets this abortion.
Yeah, and he's been abusing her.
I wrote my notes.
What did he do with this walker?
That's all.
Yeah, this is where we cross universes with loving the bad man.
I'm pretty sure that's where this starts.
Isn't it?
Very.
And yeah, of course, she's got to be all beat up because that's why women have abortions
because they're punched into it, right?
Yeah.
By those radical abortionists.
And yeah, well, we have to establish over and over again that women never like get abortions
because of like, you know, autonomy.
It's all about whether the man lets her or makes her.
Yeah, yeah.
Right.
And she comes in.
She's like, I'd like to keep my baby because
I'm being forced to by this person. And I like, yeah, no, we can help you. I'm put on these
gloves. Have you seen million dollar baby? So worst case scenario, we put one of those.
Jazz worst case though, that's worse. And again, to be clear, we can help means you can stay here until you bear your child,
and then we will leave you alone in the world with no support structure and less healthcare.
The only thing we can guarantee you we will do is take away your healthcare.
Yeah, exactly.
Oh, she says, oh, by the way, Peck's got a job.
All he needed was a white lady to tell him what to do.
And now, Geriatric husband, the sugar daddy, we get him going into the clinic to make sure
that fetus is good and dead.
You know, he's like, I want to see it.
I want to see it.
I want to see a picture of it in the ocean.
He just hands the woman at the front of Manila folder with a photo of a fetus in it
$50,000 make the hit look like an accident
So but clinically he says no she didn't come in to get her abortion remember how we're not allowed to give out patient information
It's different for you and he freaks the fuck out because they have to make someone in this movie look crazier
than the main character, right?
Yeah.
You know, all those radical, violent, row abortionists.
Yep.
He's one of them.
So he goes out to the street to assault Jesse, right?
Jesse beats him up.
It's the secret tag at the end of this movie spends the single longest amount of fighting
time against an old man.
The folks at the beginning who pull a knife on him do not get as much of a beating as
Jesse gives this old man. Right now. And then
he's like, Megan, he's like, please let me up. You're so bad. Ask you're so bad. And
I'm not at all completely in Congress character for you to fight. And so he lets him up and
wouldn't you know it? Just like those fucking abortionists always do he's got a gun.
Yes, I want to just shoot him in the deck.
Please shoot Jesse in the deck.
I was rooting for this so hard.
No, I was expecting to shoot her in the fetus.
I thought that's where we were going.
Right, but he pulls the gun and he's pointing at it, Jesse and he's yelling at him. And then at one point, the old guy with the gun spins around
at everyone else's.
I have it for no reason.
No fucking reason.
It's like, boy, it's gone and everybody else that I lost.
I like, I left so hard by myself at this point.
Huh, it's so good.
Oh, it's phenomenal.
And just that he goes to shoot, I think his wife, I don't know who he was going to shoot
at that point, but we never find out because the cop that was just started to appreciate
Jesse's gumption, kills him before he can shoot whoever he was going to shoot.
And the girl that the, that the, that the way he was trying to, he was beaten up.
Now suddenly she drops to the, to the ground to cry over. I so wanted to hurt herself
with miscarriage right then. Yeah. She just cries over the body. Like it was, we didn't
either guy that was abusing you and trying to force you to have an abortion. This, this
movie universe is so removed from reality. The cop who shot him might as well like run over to his body now and be super said.
None of that makes sense.
But then we get my favorite shot of the movie and no doubt the director's favorite shot
as well, sir.
So the guy is dead and he has a lot of blood, a lot of blood. And we literally see the planned parenthood
sign reflected in the blood. But, but, but to get there, it takes a really long time to
get high enough over it to get, and then they have to like focus the camera for a really
long time. So they fucked this all up. Mostly this movie actually has decent cinematography. When they fucked this one all up. So it takes like three minutes and
we're like, no, we get it. You're going for the fucking, it's going to reflect. We see
what you're doing, man. Just go. Move on. I bet they had the address of Planned Parenthood
be 999 until they realized that doesn't make a 666 unless you have a double mirror and
then you just got confused for a long time, just angrily trying to shoot over and over
and not getting 666.
Coming from the left.
Can the address be BBB?
What do you mean?
Can the address be BBB?
Can be address BBB?
You know, that would not, that's not all. That's nine. That would be addressed. BPP, you know, that wouldn't all, that's not all.
That's nine.
That was damn it.
So all right.
PPP.
And then we cut to the wife, seeing, you know, like finding out about all of this shooting
stuff on the news and just as a quick reminder of what a great writer we're dealing with,
the news anchor's line, right, is an armed gunman was shot by police
armed gunman
ha ha ha
those two things together and and so she walks out of her hairdressing place
mid-shampoo just leave the room in there she does
just you know so that every single character in this movie is unlikeable
just, you know, so that every single character in this movie is unlikable. Yeah, I think what I mean, they didn't have to have her shampooing a lady's head just then,
right?
But yeah, so she, she goes to the police department to see him.
Now, they've got him, they got Jesse in the police department and the lady that runs the abortion
clinic, they're going to get statements from both of them.
But before they do, the two of them have to sit side by side.
It's time for the main battle.
Face off with mecca abortionist.
She opens this up with you think it's my fault.
Don't you?
The abortion doctor does.
Why on earth would that be our what you know how
How like that her I wrote my notes my no here was like you think this is my fault, don't you?
I mean there's no possible scenario you can spend where it is that doesn't involve time traveling dragons or something
But you're clearly batshit insane and violent so you think this bit bit is my fault, too, huh?
right bat shit and sane and violent. So you think this bit is mindful too, huh? Right?
And he's just like, I would like to punch you, my, my poor complex than that ever.
And there's also, there's this insane moment where they're talking about like, I believe in
protecting life with, I'm a healthcare provider, not that kind of shut up.
They call out this amazing moment.
She's like, well, I mean, is that even part of your church?
Because like, you know, Bronze Age people who didn't know about germ theory and he's
like, no, no, it's really recreational.
Yeah.
Come on.
I'm just making shit out of me.
But they're trying to make it like this, you know, wealthy abortion clinic magnet owner
just doesn't understand what's happening.
And he's like, oh, it's cool.
You obviously don't, you don't get the complexity or I'll explain.
You shouldn't kill.
Does that make sense?
You understand what I'm saying?
Now, sometimes the thou throws people because we don't use thou anymore. So I'm just putting the cigarette out on a fetus. I just don't know if I'm saying. Now, sometimes the thou will throw us people because we don't use thou anymore.
So I'm just putting the cigarette out on a fetus.
I just don't get it.
And just.
And then his wife shows up.
Jesse's wife shows up.
She's like, are you okay?
And he's like, no, yeah, with some other dude that died as a consequence of my actions.
Didn't you see it on the news?
I'm fine.
I will not suffer at all.
I blame this doctor, lady.
So I'm freezing that. So can we have. I blame this doctor, lady. So
I'm freezing that so can we have we have mac and cheese and Frank and we need we have mac and cheese and Frank and we need for dinner. We bring my human
heart back. I'm going to throw it at her. Do you bring it?
Do you? So now hold your bring it. It was right on the table. You're the worst. You're the worst. You're the worst. You're the worst. You're the worst.
You're the worst.
You're the worst.
You're the worst.
You're the worst.
You're the worst.
You're the worst.
You're the worst.
You're the worst.
You're the worst.
You're the worst.
You're the worst.
You're the worst.
You're the worst.
You're the worst.
You're the worst.
You're the worst.
You're the worst.
You're the worst.
You're the worst.
You're the worst. You're the worst. You're is like, you're a military hero, therefore not guilty.
Yeah, well, he has to pay you $100.
Not guilty of what, what am I being charged on?
Nothing, this is an, this is an exposition hearing.
We're just deposing the audience.
Still worries.
This time we're gonna, we're gonna find you $200 though.
$200?
Yeah, $200.
What?
Really?
Like this movie has no concept of numbers.
They were like, okay, million abortions.
No jail for this, but that'll be $200.
But we had 15 billion abortions since I started this sentence.
Okay.
Do I get to pass go?
It seems like you should tell me. And then we get,
okay, so the pastor is ready to fire his ass over this stuff, right? Because he can't seem
to go two days without assaulting someone or getting someone killed. But the wife is there
to try to save his job, right? Yeah. And she's like, God, okay, fine. What if he says like he's sorry for causing two deaths and an assault?
Is that better?
Okay.
Go to my room now, sir.
Sir, sir.
Is he going to apologize to the clinic?
No, no, the congregation.
Yeah, right.
To the people who didn't do it too.
Well, in the pastor goes, he caused a death across the
street. And the wife says, there's been death across that street ever since that clinic
opened. And the pastor's like, no, I mean, I mean, you know what I mean? Like real death
with human beings. There's been death in lots of places and time. You get how that doesn't
matter. That's not really we're saying. Right.
Probably shouldn't say that because the fact that you're pointing out that there's death across
the street means that we know there's a different kind of death, which is why we're reacting
differently to this death than we did to those other deaths. The fact that you're equating to
the two points out that you don't actually care about this and then you pretend they're dead.
Human heart in your purse. Oh, I told him I didn't have it.
Stupid. And then we head back to the soup kitchen because apparently they had a little
bit more third tier comic relief money from the early 90s. So Paul Rodriguez is back.
And he's like, Hey, man, sorry about you getting that dude killed must have been rough for
him, not for you getting that dude killed must have been rough for him, not for
you so much.
It was still.
And then we get little Dick Kenzie and boy again, and he's there to try and eat him.
Yeah, he's like, Mommy says you're saving babies.
I just wrote my notes, but then again, Mommy has to bring me to a soup kitchen.
So maybe Mommy's judgment isn't exactly zero to send her.
Maybe Mommy's approached isn't exactly zero to send or maybe Mommy's approach to things
is wrong.
Yeah.
Well, and just to terrify you, even more, Tiny Tim has drawn a picture of him as a superhero
fighting abortionists.
That's what happened.
Yeah.
Tiny Tim would have been great if he got an aborted.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, That's what happened. Yeah, I need him. Would have been great if he got an aborted. None of this is so good.
He gets aborted.
Really?
Don't show the kid at the soup kitchen.
Right.
He hits his ass.
That's an argument for our side.
All right.
So now we cut to the, okay.
So Jesse's got a apologize.
He's been working on his apology all night,
but he just can't get it right.
So now we go to the church service
where he's supposed to apologize to the congregation and keep his job.
And like the pastor starts out, he's like, before we begin Jesse has something he wants to say to the whole class.
But instead his wife gets up. She's gonna speak.
Exactly. The pastor's like, but Timothy and then his wife think, no, no, we're not,
we don't mention Timothy and the she's just like, I killed my baby.
And you know what?
My husband agreed to stop bothering those women and do good stuff, but you know what
dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude,
dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude,
dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude,
dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude,
dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude,
dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude,
dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude,
dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude,
dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude,
dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, her up in a factory and put a captain hat on her head and carry her away. Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
My husband agreed to stop getting people killed across the street, but I couldn't
let him go through with it.
That is the den you more.
That is, that is what we've been building to this whole time.
That bitch finally realizing the man was right about abortion.
She even has this insane moment where she goes, you know, everyone talks about how forgiven
we are as Christians, but we don't talk enough about the life destroying guilt, huh?
We should focus on that some more, right?
All this forgiveness bullshit.
Well, and by the way, keep in mind, this movie has already acknowledged that that kind
of rhetoric leads young women to suicide.
Yeah, but like they know that they're doing that and they're doing it anyway.
And then she makes this point and like, it's actually like, this is what they should be
thinking, which is even crazier.
Like, we should all be pre-murdering murderers like right now is what they should be thinking.
Right.
There's almost evil that I'm talking right now instead of killing an abortion doctor.
That's why I have an evil abortion doctor in back.
Honey, breathe.
That's what should happen.
Reach under your seat.
Yeah, right.
No, exactly.
And that's the fucked up thing is that that is the logical end point of this kind of rhetoric.
Yeah. Absolutely. And proof that they don't mean it, right? They don't actually think
they're murdering 20 babies a day on a good day. They don't. You don't stand outside of
a place where there were there was no one handing out pamphlets outside of Auschwitz just being like, and then, prons, prons don't go into work today.
Come on, did, uh,
I should probably stand the assigned number of feet away.
And then she's like, she like finishes her little talk.
She goes and gets her husband.
They piece the fuck out.
And everybody in the church is like, oh, she's right. We should be pre-emerdering those abortion doctors. I guess
why? And then like as they walk away, we see like miss LC approves of this approach, right?
She might as well stand up at the back and be like, crack, crack, crack.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Starts handing out C4. We're doing this. We're fucking doing this. So now we cut to the courthouse where Gigi and Pecs are getting married.
Yeah, you know how this movie is involved two deaths and an assault and concluded on we're
going to harass women no matter what you tell us.
I think it needs a cutesy child
marriage to really wrap it all together.
You know that you're ready for marriage when you can afford to wear your best polo shirt
to your courthouse wedding.
Okay, I mean, is this just me? I feel like this should be a getting a job ceremony for
the dead.
Like, oh, we're getting met.. It's smart to have a child.
We're completely poor, but we're married.
So right.
Yes.
And mom shows up in her best NYC hoodie.
Again, the only sympathetic character in this movie is GG's mom.
All right.
So they get married.
And now the cops, we see the cops laying out a
do not cross boundary to keep Jesse the fuck away from the abortion clinic. And then
all the pro abortion people come to scream in front of the abortion clinics and intimidate
people like pro abortion people do.
What do we want? Death.
20 times a day.
That is insane. They're, they're actually yelling
choice. Like what do we want choice? When do we want to know this pro choice mob seems
to be unaware. They already have the, they feel like they already won, but they're yelling
their pitchforks and torches. It's over the top. Well, except for the, this movie can't
even give them pitch. One of these people is holding a free hugs sign.
One of the antagonist crowd is offering free hugs.
And the Christian pro life abortion protesters, they're just so peaceful and full of love
and calm.
It just blows the pro choice protesters away.
Well, right, right, because the pastor goes, he's going to walk up there even though there's love and calm. It just blows the pro choice protesters away.
Well, right. Cause the pastor goes he's going to walk up there even though there's that
ravenous crowd of rabid pro abortionists chewing on babies right there. He's going to
brave that anyway. But before he can go, Miss Elsie shows up and she's with them and
then pecs and Gigi show up there with them and so is crazy street preacher and
Everyone in the movie who's been named except for the dead ones
Some random black teenagers because you know how much they love to protest abortion clinics the fucking Rudy moment in this film
It's just a long line of people showing up to deny women their rights healthcare. Yeah. Yeah. Jesus
fucking Christ. Yeah. And then of course the evil mecca abortion lady says, come on,
please officers do something. And he's like, no, they are exactly as close as the law allows
them to be. So no, right. It's right. It's like the guy who wants to close down the ski center moment. It's like,
what? You can't let these kids have the ski center. You can't. Yep. No, but he just
is standing 30 feet away. So we can't do anything. And she's like, well, no, I mean, I can't
run my clinic now. Like all these other people are doing the same thing that got him the
restraining order.
So really anyone standing here blocking my entrance is a bad thing, right?
Right.
We are cops, but go fuck yourself.
Yeah.
Right.
Well, and then that's another thing that they didn't have to point out in the movie that
like, you know, you have that real problem with Christian cops that don't want to enforce these laws, be it really lacks about doing. So again, something
the movie could have ignored and chose not to. All right. And now the movie's almost over,
but we have to see his awesome youth outreach center now that it's all done. And we have
to see the baby, the Gigi didn't murder.
Yeah. All right. This is fucking ins, did this movie think it was going to win me over with a goddamn ping
pong table?
Like, we didn't just stop baby murders that year.
We also had a lot of fun.
It's like, who's what?
I mean, they kind of won me over with the ping pong table.
I'll be honest with you guys, but not the baby.
That is an ugly baby.
Like, yeah, show him that baby did not help your be honest. That was good. But not the baby. That is an ugly baby. Like, yeah, that was a big baby. Did not help your point movie. That was, uh,
oh, how amazing would it be if the baby was born like inside out with a bunch of defects?
They were just like, oh, we had one of Noah's characters in it too. Oh, the medical
expenses of a really impoverished us. I gotta to tell you. It's a bad call man.
Oh man, we are breaking up.
And then God made Zika.
Give me the drill a hole in the wall with my baby's head or something before we
got a guy named Peter Singer coming by later.
I don't want to talk about it. All right. So now the pastor is super happy that he hired
Jesus and the youth outreach center is awesome despite the fact that they have a line of IBM
pets, apparently. And then we got to all the kids running out of the outreach center that
didn't get aboard at the end. I literally wanted him to just turn to the screen and be like, now, if you excuse me,
I'm going to go blow myself up across the street.
Well, that'll leave something for the sequel.
All right.
So if there's one thing we know about Christian movies, no matter how unlikely it seems right now,
something is worse than this one.
It's true.
So when we inevitably find an even more
egregious attempt at a sympathetic biopic,
who will the protagonist be?
I mean, spoiler alert, Donald Trump. It's a
Netflix huh?
Maybe like a feminist thing.
Eva Braun.
And well, that's going to do a
for review of voice list.
That's not going to do it for the
episode just yet because we still
need to hit ourselves in the
nuts again next week.
So Eli tell us what's on deck?
Well, I think we earned a treat. So I've been saving this one for a while. It's a little
movie called The Perfect Stranger about what happens when a busy advertising executive
gets invited to dinner by Jesus Christ. I watched the preview. I let's think it was made with like $14. It's amazing.
80s hair. I will be watching an episode of Perfect Strangers.
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right. So with that, look forward to we're going to bring up a
episode 156 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon
donors and the help make the show go. If you'd like to get your stuff among
their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash God awful.
And thereby earn a little access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us a ton by
leaving us a five-show review at iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various
social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling
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Stitcher and wherever else podcast live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions,
you can email God off a movie. So Gmail.com legal services for this podcast are provided
by the law of this is a P. Andrew Torres Tim Robertson takes care of our social media.
Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slott, Nicolomilo Drafts on Mars.
All other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission.
Thanks again for giving us a check in your life this week for Heathen, right?
Neely Bosnian, I'm an illusionist from his Newark Harder and another chunk next week, until then.
We'll leave you with a breakfast club close.
That ugly fucking baby, he came a serial killer.
That ugly fucking baby became a serial killer.
The great grandchildren of the key grip for this movie still bears its shape as well they're a great grandchildren.
Gigi was a bad mom. You think? So 12 seconds after Morgan started editing the scathing episode, I get a text from an album,
question mark.
So Morgan might be excited.
Yeah.
You and me Morgan working together.
I'm moving to your house.
All right, yeah, because the key is got his bestos in his place. It's not good. It's not good. That's where I got the cancer. There it is.
I can't say again, just saying he doesn't have cancer.
Yes, I could have cancer from hiring the bestos guy,
needing him with months. He coughed.
Yeah, right. You don't know. I could have cancer.
You don't have cancer. I could have cancer. I mean, you're the least likely one of us to have
cancer in that a doctor just told you you don't have cancer, right? Like heathen,
I wasn't even aware of that last bit of information. That's 100% accurate. What Noah said,
That's 100% accurate. What Noah said that there's like probably four people in the world that have been as recently assured by a doctor, they don't have cancer as you, but yeah, I don't have cancer.
You have a guy like one show. We just telling you that. Yeah, that'll sure show me Eli. Boom cancer.
This week's list of feedback is from Eli B asking boom.
All right, here we go.
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