God Awful Movies - 17: GAM017 Silver Bells

Episode Date: December 15, 2015

This week, Eli, Noah, and Heath break down Silver Bells, the story of a man whose competitive ways lead to criminal trouble when he accidentally hits somebody with a basketball just as all American jurisprudence disappears from the earth.  He's sentenced to Christianity, where he learns that winning isn't everything, and homeless people eat flour.---Our theme song is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  To hear more from them, check out their Facebook Page.

Un chapuzón, con el hábito, tu serie favorita y en medio de tu siesta. ¡Ey! ¿Has visto esta? No sabes la de planazos que hay este verano en Guésville Parque Sur, con ciertas obsesiones con DJs, clases de yoga, talleres con martes y actividades con niños, te apuntas. Un sueño de verano, bailués sin parque sur. Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. For some reason, I just pictured that angel that doesn't get wings because there was one less bell than expected.

All the other angels laughing in his face. Haha, fuck you, Clarence! We're flying! Oh, fuck. Airfield's so good on my wings! It's fun! I'm also thinking, like, what a bitch it's got to be to be in the wing factory when the Salvation Army guys show up.

It's like, oh god, damn, it's gonna be a good thing all day. Lucy and the Chocolate Factory. Right. Right. Right. Who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be friend Heath then right heath welcome back thank you sir and sitting nine hundred and eighty nine miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli so good to be here oh thanks for having me Noah I have I have you in any way that you'll let me so he's tell us what will we be breaking down today all right we watched silver bells yes we did it's the story of a sports news reporter who had some trouble with the law and then got sentenced to

Christianity by a judge and he tries to find redemption by bell ringing for the Salvation Army. It's that classic Christmas tale of Panhandlers, Blue-Gle-Horns and Hating Gay People. Not even it's a support for Kim Davis. There you go. First, I used to lay. And tell us, Eli, how bad was this movie? So here's the thing. This movie itself is not that bad

unless you realize the context because this movie could just be sort of a shitty Christmas movie. And there's some weird stuff and there's some terrible characters and we're going to get to them. But this could just be a shitty Christmas movie if it didn't center around a guy who is law who is court ordered to join a hate group. Right. Right. Just because it's like it's like a normal Christmas movie except the twist is that he has to join like the Nazi youth. It's just like, well, you're gonna learn how to tie some knots. It's like no way what about the Nazi youth spark?

No, it's not important. Look at our basketball courts. Right. Yes, exactly So I feel like we really have to address this up front because this is almost certainly the best movie We've reviewed and it's just that one step away from being just a bad cheesy Christmas movie Accepted the whole thing revolves around the Salvation Army, which is pretty much a fucking hate group. So I put together a few facts here about the Salvation Army that I thought you might find interesting and I think really throws

how fucked up this movie is into context. As recently as 2013, the Salvation Army's official website included links to gay conversion therapy centers Right, they scrub those in 2013 they didn't apologize or anything in 1998 the selving the salvation army turned down a three and a half million dollar grant and closed down their programs for the homeless and for senior citizens in San Francisco Because a local ordinance would require them to pay benefits to same-sex spouses Because a local ordinance would require them to pay benefits to same sex spouses Kim and Davis porn. Yeah, well in 2004 they threatened to close down all their services in New York City over a similar Anti-discrimination ordinance in 1986 the Salvation Army and New Zealand collected signatures against the home sexual law reform act

Which by the way made it legal in New Zealand for men to fuck one another until then it was illegal the Salvation Army was trying to keep it that way in one another until then it was illegal the Salvation Army was trying to keep it that way. In 2000 for that. It's apparently the two in 2000 Salvation Army, a Scotland submitted a letter to Parliament opposing the repeal of a law prohibiting schools from teaching that homosexuality was normal. In 2012, not too long ago, the Salvation Army of Burlington, Vermont allegedly fired a case worker for being bisexual and as recently as 2014, internal documents were leaked explaining why they can't have butt pirates and leadership positions spoiler learned it's because of Jesus so the the salvation army like if you look at their website now and

they'll they'll they'll they'll have sort of a friendly LGBT page about how no no way with that's all just ancient history ancient history as in last year right this is the chick filet and that guy everyone else oh there's still here but that guy

yeah not anymore exactly and that's just a thing is that the salvation army is trying to present this whole oh well yeah back in the day we were bad but back in the day was this fucking decade as a matter of fact This movie was almost certainly part of their PR effort to clean up their anti-gay image that was costing a money at the cattle Yes, and this movie is very clearly their attempt to be like oh no listen I know y'all have heard a whole lot of things about us closing down soup kitchens if we have to let fags in but I don't want you to think it's that We're just the YMCA with the uniform. The YMCA with pretend army names. Yeah right exactly. Which by the way even if the Salvation Army was not homophobic I want to plant a flag right now giving yourself

fake military orders. Right he's already enough reason to hate the sword and his mouth. For people who have never fought for anything to be like I'm a Colonel. No, you're not There's a Colonel who stands outside of my gassenship collecting spare change. You are not General of Jesus Right, yeah, and the and that comes up again and again through this stupid fucking movie. Now, all that being said though, is down as I am on it, if you asked me to make a movie about a hate group teaching an asshole to be a better dad by mentioning K-Mart 36 times, I don't know that I could have done better. I'm at least willing to give the screenwriters that, that if that was the

assignment, you know, okay, passing grade, I guess. So I guess now that everybody's properly primed, we can take a quick break and when we come back, we'll see if the Salvation Army can G-Shocks their way out of infamy. Hi, come in, have a seat. Thanks. Oh no, thank you. It's so nice to see you to come. I'm Vice Admiral Dave. This is Brigadier General Joe.

How's it going? Hi, I'm Andrea. So, now tell us have you written any screenplays before? Sure, yeah. I wrote that piece of shit sorboh movie that the god of movie guys did last week alright yeah excellent piece of shit kevin sorboh movie that is exactly what we're looking for here so your email said you guys want to make a movie

about the salvation army yeah yeah um... perk camman you know he's been killing it recently and we just got it yeah and pierced with you well you know also as I'm sure you're aware, over the last several years, gays have apparently become people. That's true, technically. So you want to make a lesbian trapped in a deadly elevator movie?

Because I think that would work. No, no, no. We actually discussed that with Eric Commodore Comfort, and he's gonna take care of that himself. We have an entirely different problem to deal with. Yeah, exactly. See, since this whole gaze should have rights, FAD started, we have this salvation army of taking a nasty public relations hit,

and we're looking to counterbalance that with a, you know, a movie about how awesome we are. Like a documentary? Well, we thought about that, but Imperial Grand Marshal Smith shot it down. We want something more along the lines of a holiday family drama. About gay people? No, no, no, anything but gay people actually,

right, right. Yeah, no, galactic vice-roy Jones would never allow that. We're looking for something that completely ignores our heinous human rights record and our current discriminatory policies. And has basketball. We said we talked about basketball. Absolutely.

Okay. And a magic black guy. We said that was locked in. Magic black guy. It's a Christian movie so I assume. Right. And full anal penetration lesbian strap on stuff. I mean, we didn't- What?

Talk about that, but I think there's nothing. Nothing, no. So did you have a title in mind? Hmm. I hadn't really thought about the title yet, no. Oh, I got one. I got one. What if we called it silver bells, you know?

Like we use when we bang. Not, yeah. Nice, nice. Genius. I am loving it. Movie it is silver bells, gavelill. So yeah what times it um 915 who wants to go play brass instruments badly in a mall. Let's do it. Me? Sure. What the fuck is the Salvation Army? The Salvation Army is a quasi-military evangelical Protestant

church that would much rather you thought of it as a charity. While the Salvation Army is a quasi-military evangelical Protestant church that would much rather you thought of it as a charity. While the Salvation Army is actively involved in a number of humanitarian projects, including disaster relief, homeless shelters, and outreach programs for the poor, they are not a charity because that would require full financial transparency. According to their mission statement, the Salvation Army's primary function is to spread the Christian religion, though to their credit that's followed up by a bunch of shit about educating and helping the poor. They follow the mission statement up with a more elaborate list of 11 doctrines or guiding principles, not a single one of which has the slightest damn thing to do with charity or helping people, unless you count harassing people about Jesus' helping them, which you don't and shouldn't. The group claims a membership of well over a million, which when translated at a bullshit church membership calculus amounts to almost 200,000 people. It is widely believed

that the Salvation Army spends approximately 85% of the donations they receive on charitable activities, though this is impossible to verify since they're a church and they don't have to tell you, yet. Their status as a religious mission exempts them from full financial disclosure, which makes them impossible to assess by the criterion used by groups like charity watch. To their credit, however, a number of other independent charity rating services do give the Salvation Army a passing grade. Of course, it's also worth noting that 85% of the donations going to charity isn't very much. But irrespective of how much money they spend on humanitarian aid, it's vital to remember that when you give money to the Salvation Army, you're giving

money to a church with a cattle-shaped collection plate. In addition to the aforementioned Grotesque record on gay rights, the Salvation Army actively opposes youth in Asia, and while their stance on abortion is progressive compared to most church organizations, that doesn't make it progressive. And of course, according to their current positional statement on homosexuality, it's okay to be gay as long as you're also a celibate. They also ban gays from holding positions within their organization above the rank of minister. Women on the other hand, can be ordained in the church.

Technically, their rules stipulate that female Salvation Army officers are only permitted to marry male Salvation Army officers, but that rule has been relaxed in recent years since it's blatantly illegal as fuck even if you're a church. It's also important to remember that being a church rather than a charity leaves the Salvation Army inordinately prone to unbatch shit crazy stuff. Like in 2010, when their Canadian affiliates refused to accept toy donations based on Harry Potter or Twilight because the devil. They've also come under a fire a number of times for proselytizing during government-funded events and for asking their employees about their sexual habits as conditions of employment.

All of these controversies, of course, pale in comparison to the Australian branch of the Salvation Army which raped orphans. And we're back for the breakdown, and if you were wondering how long it would take us to get to the Kmart references two seconds Two seconds in before their corporate overlords gets its little hummer and It'll be about every four minutes from that point on so we're gonna open up in a living room where dad is You know battle briefing with his whiteboard about black Friday, right, yeah. So the daughter in this movie looks like Ginny Weasley after the battle at Hogwarts, like she's got PTSD and she's on four or five medications.

I love the daughter, I thought she was so hot. She's super duper hot. Ginny Weasley's super hot. You would know that if you had enjoyed the fantastic masterworks. Now, the mom, however, looks like Professor Trilani, not quite as attractive. I also thought the mom however looks like professor trillani not quite as attractive i also thought the mom was super hot

this was the this was not like the most attractive movie we've ever watched i like everybody i'm like okay yeah that looks like a person that would be in a movie the sun looks like lance bass tried fucking lady just once so the entire this is the gayest person i've ever seen i used to host a drag show at the stone wall this is the gayest person I've ever seen I used to host a drag show at the Stonewall This is the gayest human I've ever seen live or in film. I have them in my notes as Amaciated Matt Damon several times. I had him as a Jonathan Taylor Thomas with leukemia. Okay. Yeah

It was good looking fella in a good way leukemia So tell your Thomas a good way leukemia So tell it how much the good way no I so the as the movie starts we've got dad and he's pointing to all of the different places They're gonna go on black Friday and he's like we're gonna go to came art first and then we're gonna swing over here And then we're gonna go to the mall and he's got a white board out because apparently his family is so fucking stupid that without a visual aid They can't get the whole concept of from came art to the mall so he's drawn this out for their for their aid And what angle is one of those buildings to the other buildings? I will get lost We do not want a repeat of 2012 dad

So they're they're planning and then we get that the mom enters this design Contest every year. Yeah, who can have the most ostentatious Christmas yard? Yeah, right. So they basically have like a Christmas card. And she has this moment where she's like, well, you know, if Judy Gage beats me again, she's just going to be, I just wrote my notes. If Judy Gage beats me again, I'm going to hang myself and that'll be the decoration next year. Yeah, this is going to be pivotal to the stupid fucking movie. There's a contest going on in the neighborhood of who can have the lightest Christmasyest house and the theme this year is bells so that we can get the goddamn name drop of the

movie 18 seconds in silver bells. Yeah. And what's so crazy is, so this is a thing that we see a lot in Christian movies, is that it seems like Christians don't know how ambitious people act because she says, oh, I'm thinking for the design, maybe silver bells. And he's like, no, no, no, we go for the gold. And it's like, no, no, man, I'm just thinking of a different medal. Ambitious people don't always want things to be gold. That's not as, oh, I think I'll put out the silverware. You mean the goldware?

No, that's not how, it's not how words work. Yeah, so, and then we also learn, of course, that the family just isn't, I guess, holiday-y enough because this is after Thanksgiving and the son wants to go do his thing and the dad has to go to work and the sister has to go back to law school. So dammit, they're just not spending time together as a family. Right. And also, the son throughout this movie, the son is fucking mystifying. There is no worse or more mysteriously written character than this sun. I kept waiting, spoiler alert, I

kept waiting for this sun to have a math habit for him to drive to a glory hole with a gas and said, right? Right. Watches sun with a dick in every hole because the kid keeps going, well I don't know, I just think that maybe we might want to be better Christians. And everyone in the family is like, why? That's fucking stupid. And he's like, never mind. I have a secret! And each drama will be like, his secret's gonna be that he's the green river killer.

I'm excited for this. But as we'll learn at the end, no spoilers. It is not gonna be fun. No, but he certainly played the role dextery. Oh yeah, no. There's no question that he got this movie because of his role on s.v.u. like he was the kid who turned out to have murdered and fucked his sister and they were like you know what that guy's great let's use him

silver both shooting in the same city come on and i think it's worth noting here that dad uh... we find out very shortly as a sportscaster and he's a really, really bad one because the next scene is him going to work because even on Thanksgiving, the sportscaster has to work. And I mean, like, I'm a sports guy, right? So I'm watching him comparing him to all the great sportscasters I'm aware of. And I'm thinking to myself, Stuart Scott could do better than this. And he's been dead been dead for years. You can just prop his corpse up in a fucking chair and it would be cool is the other side of the pillow.

It would be better than what we were watching. Sorry, sorry, the Stewart Scott fans in the audience just left. I also want to point out that this is where we get introduced to a major part of the film which is that there's a character named Derek Jensen and I didn't realize that Derek Jensen was going to be like a character named Derek Jensen. And I didn't realize that Derek Jensen was going to be like a major character in the film, but the photo they have of him, so looks like they Googled,

they just Googled image black guy not famous and put it up on the screen. It could not be less a shot of an athlete. I mean, I don't know a lot about sports, but I'm pretty sure they don't just take like a Polaroid picture of you standing in a hallway. Don't worry, they also don't know much about sports and we're gonna get to that as we go. By the way, this is also where we meet Leslie, the competition for Bruce at work.

work and uh... she's looking to steal bruce's job on his sports desk by getting an interview with their gents in the uh... the big hizeman candidate grew up in the area she looks like good universe and culture yes well done sir uh... we also learned by the way and this is also because this movie is fucking stupid this matters

uh... that bruise part of his stick is that he gives out a most ridiculous wrath award every week. And that's gonna come up over and over again in this film as well. And just in defense of the quote unquote villain of this film, which is the like lady reporter who wants his job, she's right in every criticism she has of him. The first shot we have of her is her watching him and her being like, this guy's a fucking terrible sportscaster.

And the movie wants us to be like, no, he's not the Religious Ref Award. He's a great way to report sports. But it's not. That's fucking stupid. She does a fantastic job later on in the film. Nothing in this movie makes any fucking sense. Well, and that's just the thing because like if you're both going to be, because I thought she was pretty shitty as a sportscaster too,

but if you're both going to be shitty sportscasters, just put the person on that people would want to look at. Right. It's not him. So yeah, we're definitely supposed to not like this character. This character, despite the fact that he has displayed almost no fault of character except for his hairstyle, is definitely supposed to be the quote unquote wrong way to be a human.

Well, and the impression I got and Eela has already alluded to this, of course, is that like the people who are writing this movie think that this is what ambitious guy looks like. Alright, so when we see him like wrestling with a little girl over some flower later and everything, they're like, you know, they're so far removed from the character they're trying to write. They're like, yeah, it's probably like this. They're probably like this. People who are Christian enough.

People who focus on work too much, they probably fight children, right? Right, that's right. When I picture a person who works too much, I picture a man fighting a small child, which by the way, if you're wondering, hey, does our main character get into a body fight with a small child We will get power in this movie. Yes, he does. He's in

It's delicious. No, it's a tragic yes That's a lot of things in this movie that would fit that bill so important things here ridiculous Ref award the sexy villainous Vixen is after his job and an exclusive with their gents and would really get her pussy wet and then we We switched to him coming home Where he discovers that his bastard neighbors are already decorating their house at midnight. Oh one. Yeah, so he runs upstairs He's like, hey you guys can't do that and they go. Hey man. It's midnight So he runs upstairs to go wake his son. And again, crazy billionaire money, I remake this movie shot for shot, voting when he walks into Jason's room, Jason is the son.

Jason's just fucking a cardboard cut out of Michael Phelps. The Salvation Army would still be in that movie, it would just serve a completely different role. It was an interesting choice of set here for the kids room. What did you call them? Bisexual, Lance Bass with melanoma. The kid, he decorates his bedroom half like a high school athlete might, but the other half like a gaysha's room at a brothel. It makes no sense at all.

Very, very safe choice there. It makes sense with the guesses I have about these characters. I can do this. So here's my favorite sports teams. And here's some scarves. If you want me to do the dance of the seven veils, for you, I'm going to want you, bro. Exactly.

We can play some Xbox. I can see how far I can get down on the All American, whatever you want to do. No pressure, no pressure. So he goes upstairs. He gets his son and he's like, Quaint Yogi Berra too, which if you didn't already like the guy, hey. I'm sorry, hold on though, he gets it wrong.

Yes, he says 90% of the game is half mental. That's not the Yogi Berra quote. No, that just means the game is at least 45% mental. That's not a big sense. The Yogi Berra quote is 90% of the game is mental. The other half is physical fuck this movie You don't get yogi bear quotes to way too soon to be misquoting yogi bear to be fair He's Jewish so they didn't care about anything again

Yogi bear Jewish I always assumed he was Jewish because he was witty. I realized that He was an idiot More than he was witty That's not he was also an athlete which makes me think he probably wasn't sure she's i had to guess that guy was just retarded that the whole terrible spin on his story i was always like all you get bear with his twisted friends but that guy was just like if you see fucking row you pick up take with you

and i was like this guy that's now it's tragic yes it's far more tragic than Whitty, yeah, absolutely. So then we get the untangling Christmas light scenes because damn it, like in every fucking Christmas movie, apparently people just tie their lights in a knot at the end of the season one year so that they can untie it the following year. And while we're getting this scene,

Dad's basically giving them the old, you know, your whole future depends on untangle in these christmas lights and stickin with it speech that you know our dad's all gave us at one point right all though i do want to say there is a st this is the beginning of a very strong message in this movie which is winning is overrated winning is not overrated and i wrote my notes here if the message of this movie is

winning doesn't matter that i hate it already and i want to say i hate this movie and then of course we've got a cut to came up because damit they paid for this shit yes exactly and we we come across we finally get to see the hate group for the first time the salvation army and i want to point out that the that we this is the first time we're introduced to the African-American character who plays the like head of the Salvation Army. Yes, who's dressed like a Nazi and it's gonna be the good guy. Yeah, and also is fly guy from uh from I'm gonna get you soccer. He's the pimple with the with the fish and his shoes. Yes, also he is not a good looking

gentleman. He looks like a sugar baby came to life. He looks like if Barack Obama got a third term. You're right. This is what he looks like today. He looks like the one pirate that escaped from the Captain Phillips movie. Just as a bit like in a cartoonish, the band was marching by and he was like no, no, not to me my friend I am with this army thing. Yes He is not and they never acknowledge it. No one at any point goes hey, are you haunted skeleton? I don't know I should be better to my family Look at me. I'm the modern major general

Yes, major. The salvage one. The salvage one, to hear. And so the way we've come across them, Dad's pulling into the parking lot and he's being aggressive with his parking. He takes some other dudes parking space because he's an asshole. And the salvage and army people are standing

and they're ringing their little bell and they look at him like, this guy just does not get Christmas. Does not Jesus enough Jesus? Right. And this is where we get the first Lie of the movie about the Salvation Army because after all this is a propaganda film We can't forget where the kid gives some money to the homophobes and he and the dad goes so does this money go to the uniforms And he goes no it goes to people in need what he doesn't say is unless of course it also has to be gay people

in which case no it doesn't. It goes to our uniform. Yeah. Right. Well, I love too that later on in the movie we see their gigantic headquarters and shit and it's like, oh, all the money went to the needy people. Yeah. All the money went to the needy people and a waterfall and indoor water. Spoiler alert, all that money you give to the kettle went to an indoor fucking waterfall. Apparently, and everyone just looks at it like, oh, that's nice. That's a nice, that's a nice waterfall. And I also love to, okay, so this is how heavy handed they're being with this whole, he's too aggressive shit.

So like at first he's not going to give any money, but then his son puts a quarter in the, in the little salvation army kettle, and then he's like, give any money, but then his son puts a quarter in the in the little Salvation Army kettle and then he's like well You're not gonna get far with that pocket change and he pulls out a dollar so he has to out donate his son Yeah, exactly one one one wonders what he did when his kids were like little if his son over I was like daddy. I pee my pants and he was like oh, yeah I don't think you're competitive. I think you're fucking insane.

Oh yeah? I think I'm dead. Pat! Pat! Pat! I think I'm Napoleon! So then we cut back to the family sitting around in the living room, family-ing.

And this was such a great moment because the the son now the Amaciated Matt Damon Suggested that everybody goes to church right and the room gets as quiet as this one would yeah Response from the family is fantastic. He got did Johnny Lawrence with food poisoning over there to sweep the leg guy Johnny Lawrence with food poisoning over there to sweep the leg guy. We're crying again. He asked everyone if they want to go to church and the sister responds like he asked her for anal or something. No, no, no, no.

You should leave now. You need to leave now. And dad's like seriously a Sunday during the fantasy football playoffs. You fucking get him. Absolutely not. Fuck. Hard pass on Sunday church. No. Basically everyone in the family is like, why would we do that?

And then his way of getting back, because then they all concede, right? They're like, I mean, I guess if you want to, we can. And he goes, no, if it's not real enough to go every Sunday, why go on Christmas Eve? And everyone in the family is like, great, so we won't go then. Good, not real enough to go. Good points, son, you got us.

Again, like the reaction in this room would have been yeah but here's the thing the mom then turns to the dad and goes he's going to church because he feels guilty about something and I keep thinking it's cuz he's gay right yeah gonna get a shot later on in the movie where he and Brandon the captain of the football team are broke back mountain and it harder than you can possibly imagine. Split through sheepskin condoms like they were made a race. And I get that, but it doesn't. That's not. I'm not

spoiled. Quote on spote spoil it. But it is not his secret. Does not matter at all. No, but the kid, the actor plays it like he's fucking dexter the whole goddamn time. Like they're going to come in. There's going's gonna be dead hookers under his Better something right yeah exactly so and the mom of course uses this moment to tell dad Hey, you may need to be more involved in your son's life You know he's got a basketball game coming just like yeah, I'm going to the basketball game because it's a Christian movie So I have to go to a sport that my kid is in and she says well, don't be all Bruce Dalton

Action eight sports about it right in other words try to be well, don't be all Bruce Dalton actionate sports about it. In other words, try to be someone other than you when you get there. Yeah, also being a local sports anchor on a local TV station doesn't mean you matter at all. If my fiancee is ever like, try not to be Eli Bosnick podcaster in there, I'm going to be like, you need to eat Chinese food in the dark and she's going to be like, yeah, Chinese food in the dark. she's going to be like, yeah, Chinese food in the dark. Try not to do that.

Meticulously, no, no, take other people's movies. Yeah, if you cannot do that in her son's house, you're on the house. And so then we cut to the to Jason's basketball game. And I guess there's a scout from the local college there. So dad goes and offers to give him a hammer if he'll put in a good word for his son. Yeah. And then because he sees that there's a scout there, he goes into the locker room. Right. And when your dad is sneaking into the boys locker room in high school, the problem is not over dadding. There's a deeper problem here. But what's great is we, this is the first inclination that we get that the people who wrote this movie know

Absolutely nothing about sports because the coach is giving them a pep talk when he walks in and the coaches pep talk is literally this now These guys are very aggressive, but we're just gonna be very defensive It's like really nobody nobody knew about basketball no one paused for a moment It was like guys what's a basketball thing? You could say they were just like well, they're gonna try and score points Prevent that and start all It's in turn And it gets so much worse when they actually go out and start playing basketball I mean there's hoops and a ball and a wood floor, but other than that basketball things are not happening.

I'm just basketball game. Like, do they get an improv troop to be the game extras? Like, do the kids are playing leap-prog on one side of one kid's mind. I'm not dating like he's eating cereal for no reason. It's interpretive dance happening. Makes no sense. One kid switches teams by accident. Oh, I forgot. I'm in the red shirt. Sorry. Monkey walks by in the middle of it, but you don't notice. And what I loved about it too is that they apparently Googled basketball fouls so that they can have something for the

dad to yell about because that's what we're learning in this scene is that the dad is mad because the referee isn't calling fouls like you should on on the kid and it's you but he's just right yelling out random shit You know he's just like oh come on birds please More than gerbos come on I can see time in space Home is where the heart is rap home is where the heart All right, so now we get this, like this terrible, this really reminded, what was the football movie we did?

Catching faith. Catching faith, yeah. So it is really reminded me of that one where they couldn't actually get people to do football, stuff, it's, oh well, they could get like two people to do it, but everyone else just sort of had to stand there. So they've got this in-mounce pass or whatever,

the kid, the Jason, the son, tosses the pass in, and then everyone stands still while he runs completely around everybody, and they're like, okay, and unfreeze, and then he makes it. He's not running off any screens, like that would actually be in a pass. No, no, exactly. He runs a weird circle lap around the court for a reason.

And I guarantee you, if someone brought that up, they were like, oh oh he should probably run past the screen they were like do they have those on the the thing? I've never noticed this in the door. You hold it up and you try and bash it. Is that what it is? No it's like I'll like a TV screen. I thought that the brown James is the hologram So he makes the shot this will be the three point shot that wins the game except the ref calls it wrong And I want to say the ref definitely called it wrong It was very clearly a three pointer and this is like the worst ref in the universe because he's like you know Six solid inches behind the three point line And he was also fouled the ref didn't call that so now dad is pissed right dad is down in the court

Yell and in screaming in the ref's face about how he missed it It was a three point shot and I'm sorry like I mean, yes, dad's being an asshole But that is also very very much correct this ref should not be allowed to ref right and then he lightly taps the ref with a basketball no no he doesn't even listen to accident by accident basketball into his face I'd be like yeah man that's assault it's a fun American for the soft you know where Americans were like you spit on me that's also that word but it's it's the but he very clearly turns around an anger because the ref has given the other team shots because of his behavior. Right. Which is, I don't know anything about sports.

My dad never yelled out during the musicals that I was in. I don't know about giving, you know, union and other points towards their musical. But I didn't realize that you could just be like, I don't like this audience member. Honestly, I didn't hear James. member. Honestly, I'm a team. Dad gets a technical, which actually can happen, but still still. Oh, can't really, I was about to ask you, because I knew anyone on this call would know.

He has a basketball, which he throws down in anger, because he's frustrated. It bounces behind him impossibly, like it was cast that direction by a fucking wizard, and he hits this guy in the face, which any human being would go oh my god I'm so sorry okay yeah no problem I saw you were just throwing it but be careful but instead everyone not only does someone's video taping it and it goes viral yeah everyone acts like he

pulls out a gun and shoots him through the back of the head like at the end of fucking boys don't crawl that was the reaction. Yeah. And the rep, he gets comforted by the other rep for this mildly bouncing to his face slightly. Like the SVU team comforts a crime victim. Ridiculous. Not your phone. Not your phone. Sir.

Yeah, the overreaction on this, not only, and in the moment you thought wow that was a ridiculous overreaction the rest of this movie is the overreaction to him bouncing a basketball it going behind him and accidentally hitting a rough in the face right so we cut to him at work where he is being taken off the desk because the other two news channels not not his, were covering that high school basketball game and reported on him accidentally bouncing a basketball into someone's face. Where's that news report? I want to watch that. In other news, a guy threw a thing and it accidentally hit someone. Well, you know what, this one takes place in Central Michigan, so that probably is newsworthy there. Yeah, it kind of weird. We get two grand Rapids movies in a row. That wasn't even intentional. Also,

we got some, I just want to say we got some complaints about us not saying that Grand Rapids was a fabulous city with lots of diverse culture and wonderful people. And that's because it's not, it's because it's too shitty. Yeah, right. It's all a little nowhere. I live in New York City. I'll eat your Grand Rapids. Oh, shit it out. That's what we call New Jersey. You know who you are. I'm looking right at you with all the love in my heart. I just have to say I grew up in Ann Arbor. Alright, when you can live in Ann Arbor and make fun of the city that you're in, it's a pretty fucked up set. He's from Michigan so he gets to say it. I get to do Jewish buzzards and he gets me close up is that we all work now we read it and he gets to make all the white supremacist jokes no reason no reason this goes are alleged allegedly and that's

pretty much what we get because now we get the least believable courtroom scene in history I know it's supposed to be arbitration and not a courtroom scene but it's insane oh I'm sorry first first we got to pick up the daughter because she's a lawyer. Right. No, she's in law school. She is not a lawyer. Right, right. So why she is there and his arbitration makes no fucking sense, but that's okay because she is the worst lawyer in the history of a lawyer. Yeah. She needs to be there to law lawyer also by the way they're talking about this ref being injured and For the level of Seriousness they're talking about this ref when they turned the shot to him

I expected to see him in like an iron lung The only way if that basketball you know that myth about how you can like jam someone's nose up into their brain If you like yeah That's what I assume and happened with that basketball and he was now living you just last boy scouted him yeah hells yeah so yeah yeah so he's going to court for assault with a spawning in the third degree or fucking felonious basketball or whatever the fuck that they're calling it and and and they're doing it at the high council, which is how we adjudicate disputes in this university. The fucking judge walks in and he's like,

well, I don't know that jail time is in order. I'm like, jail time! How are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, me neither, dude. I also don't think execution or public rape. I don't think we just think the only thing that should have someone accident would have been the stocks as well. execution like a not

what a the groundwork right now i do not think we should burn them at the state for dropping basketball and right and then okay so then we also get the scene where we learn just what a shit lawyer the daughter is because She they're like well, we're thinking of a plea deal and she says yeah, we'll take it and the dad's like no We won't and he's like yes, we will and the judge is like yeah, no, she said you take it

You cannot please against the obvious invisible will of your client. I'm sorry. I don't know a hell of a lot about law I said not guilty. Shhh. Your lawyers talking. Also, I just want to, I want to take a moment. Because I, you know, I love ugly people. The lawyer for the network, uh, in this scene has enough extra fat under his face for another entire human head. I only assume he absorbed another twin in the womb. And given an exact amount, you could reveal another whole lawyer face underneath. You're just like, no!

Oh, that would have been more fun. At this point, they request the ref, who has like two black eyes on a broken nose, requests something as public as possible? Right like they they turned to the ref and they're like well What do you think we should do to them? I was like whatever it is has to be it's humiliating his way Like that is not how anything works. I want to see trials in this community where they're like so man He murdered your family. What would you like to see us today?

I'd like him to have to do jumping jacks for the KKK all right okay she said it and so then basically he's like well you know the army could use some help this time this year and it's supposed to be a comedic moment because we're supposed to be like what the military and it's like no no no no no not the military the the hate group I understand why you were confused they call themselves an army even though I do not defend people they in fact are the opposite They actively harm people yeah, but not with weapons like So yeah, so they're there they do the whole big

Comedy review where he's like the army. I can't go to the army. And then we cut to a sign for the Salvation Army. One, Salvation Army. And he says, I thought this was a thrift store. I was like, it would be nice. It would be way better if it was a thrift store. And I wrote my notes when he said, I thought this was a thrift store. I wrote, no, it's a hate group. Common mistake is they sell shirts.

I get it. And I wrote my notes, fuck, this is only 22 minutes. Oh, yeah, no We're all like 40 minutes left right 29 minutes left So he goes inside and I guess fly guy is practicing his giant tube, but that's not a tuba What is that the fucking it was either tuba or you phone him? It's a tuba Pretty sure it's tuba. It's a him it's a tuba, it's definitely a tuba it's a gigantic fucking tuba

he's clearly kind of a ten thousand dollar silver tuba at his 501c charity and he's horrible he actually does not justify his tuba we help the poor, we help the poor, don't worry about it we're in the poor soup kitchen so, and by the way, I just want to point out that this burnt science classroom skeletons office is decorated in the theme of racism because he's got African masks. Sinkishameth is just look at take a moment if you watch this movie, it's on Netflix. Pause.

They were basically like, I don't know how to black people like stuff. They like like their stuff, right? What do you mean their stuff? I don't know stuff from africa sure was one of them a guy fox mask i thought but he had like a like an african themed guy fox mask was one of the thing i have to rewatch this in the holy shit i wasn't getting anything anywhere near all of the juice out of this one uh... so and he sits down in the and and flag eyes office to decide what like he's

gonna have to do with for the salvation army, which is pretty bizarre that if you think about it, that this judge has now sentenced him to work for let well, let's set aside the anti LGBT hate group, but clearly a Christian group, the salvation army like so he's been sentenced to Christianity. To a religion. Yeah, if I ever do something bad and someone wants to punish me,

sentencing me to a religion is a really great way to do it. To a credit where credit's to it. If someone was like, you have to be Christian for two weeks, I'd be like, nah man, can I go to jail? I love some jail. Get a nice plump Toshi, they'll love me in there. And then we get Kmart reference number 11. Right.

He's there. So he shows up for his duty and he is dressed like a member of ISIS. Because that's how he feels. He's going to get, and listen, comedy where comedies do, that was kind of funny. He shows up in his ski mask. He's a ski mask on, right? And he's a pretty funny.

Yeah, yeah, because he doesn't want people to see him. And so major Lloyd won't let him wear the ski mask because it was scare people away. And he also gives him the little apron. And he's like, I don't know, I had to wear an apron. He's like, you are my bitch. You address how I tell you to dress. You better have all my money.

Not some, not most, not half. So, and then I love this like too. He says to him, he's like, oh, and make sure you say Mary of Christmas to everyone Especially at the Jews that they look Jewish say it really loud follow around a little bit Here you go, Muslims. I charity for the year a thousand dollars. Yeah, Mary Christmas Happy holidays bullshit if you get you Jew gold in the kettle it ruins the whole back ruin the whole back The whole day. Do you want to spin a top to see how much I give?

No, no one wants to do that. I don't know. Gonna give all my money to Bernie Sanders now. There you go. No, I'm just kidding, guys. It's $20 donations. That's how he's doing. Yeah.

He's giving it three nickels at a time. And then we get the referee, right, that who's nosy broke into basketball shows up while he's ringing the ballot came art and starts filming him with his video camera which is illegal. In fact, how much more illegal than hitting someone by accident with a basket? It's much. Showing up to mock someone during their court mandated community service and filling them is during their court mandated community service and filling them is infinitely more illegal than I'm so mad. Oh, you heard my nose. Well, and what is they I mean

Did they think that like the courts would tell this guy where they had Sentence him to do the community service or something like you just goes and he's like Yeah, I want to go watch that guy be miserable that hit me in the face with the thing by accident. No problem. Would you like a fire stick to poke him with? Grand Rapids Michigan. And so now we got a cut to that, you know, the scene where he's like eating Ben and Jerry's on the couch while crying at detergent commercials, all everything. So he's actually got himself wrapped up in a blanket. He didn't get it. I thought it was super. Maybe I maybe ice creeps with a blanket on. He looks like like a hobo in a bug's bunny cartoon or something. Upgrade to a slank it, bro. Maybe an entire shirt even. It's like, you know, like a blanket with with arms and a torso. It's just like, you've got a blanket on. I was like, oh, it's little nail dead. You had to stand outside the cold for 20 minutes. You have fucking tuberculosis. Now, you know, what he's watching that's got him so depressed is

Leslie doing the sports cast that he used to do. And I got to say, I mean, she's just as bad as him, but she looks better doing it. She does look much better. And his wife comes in and she goes, oh, you poor thing. You know what you would make would make you feel better? And I'm like, mm- oh, you poor thing. You know what you would make would make you feel better and I'm like Be your clock, but now he's just like go put these fucking angels on

Yeah, that's a great idea. Oh, you're feeling depressed. Well, you know what? It's the middle of the night and I see no better time to climb on the roof Also, there's a very strange moment here where she goes go put them on the roof and he's like, okay I'll go put them on the roof even though I feel sick and I've been punished all day and she's like do it now like there's this pause he's trying he tries to go back to his soup yeah and it doesn't get to finish his soup and listen I am at the back end call of my fiance and proud of it but I get to finish my soup I didn't finish my soup that's the hill I die on If my fiance right now was like go hang angels on the ceiling of our apartment

I'd be like okay, but I'm finishing my soup I mean, I'm not gonna finish my soup if the request is hand me the remote, but if it's like I mean, I'm not gonna finish my soup if the request is hand me the remote But if it's like go put on your boots in your coat your scarf in your hat Get the fucking ladder out climb on the roof hook shit up. Yeah, you get to finish fucking so So we get him doing that and then he's looking over at his neighbors yard Of course his neighbors are out Christmas-ing them, but they don't have they haven't incorporated this year's theme Which is Bell so he seems like he seems like you know pretty confident that there are a bunch of fuck ups right and by the way based on my experience with Christian movies so

far these neighbors are definitely gonna watch Bruce destroy a laptop with a baseball bat the next every fun fact they are the chill master of the neighbors from fireproof. Oh There you go. It's all a multiverse guys. It's all multiverse like Marvel. Yeah, right They'll tie back and I just can't wait till the Avengers version of Christian movies where we get all of these characters Coming together to fight against a social justice or whatever it is right and then we cut back to Kmart social justice or whatever it is right and then we cut back to Kmart where we meet a girl whose character description in the script was undoubtedly Adderall and Diet Coke all right now I gotta say this chick first of all I fucking love I don't know just something about her just she was so goddamn good oh yeah this this woman is a squirter and she doesn't even know it what a waste If I had to wish is I would fuck this girl three times And I love that she's like because she's supposed to be the whole like kind of like whatever annoying

We're gonna do so good and blah blah blah and she says at one point she says I've talked everyone into everyone from Bible study in the coming and I'm thinking to myself like I guarantee her bible study is her and For geeky dudes trying to fuck her right exactly. Oh my gosh Jennifer that sounds so fun That's crazy like would it just be you and me no everyone's gonna be there great. Hey, so So great For dorks all try to stay longer than the other guys that that's what I had in my in my add the all in looking like the end of the shining just blue and frozen

and she's like and then in due to run me uh... so and then now i guess uh... is when bruce first realizes that this is a competition right that that like there's a reward for whoever collects the most money in the cattle. So now we get the scene where he's wandered around like he's fucking strong arm and people end up putting money in the cattle and ringing the bell in their face and breaking their ankles and shit. Using the homeless window washer technique on cars.

Yeah, exactly. Also, I just want to point out one fantastic moment that happens in this sequence of him like, chasing people down and making them give money. There's a moment where it extra and he's wearing this weird Christmas sweater. If you watch this movie, the entire film is this, walks out and is supposed to ignore him, but this guy does not belong on camera because he walks like he has never used his leg to propel The fact I am a sweater. He has a completely dead face and he walks like left foot right foot We're right fuck come on Brian left foot right foot. How many feet do I have left?

Line you don't have a line just walk really looks like I look what I'm really fucking high And there's a cop there and I'm going how does sober people walk? How does sober people walk? Oh, I just want to, you know what it is? He is walks the way I buy cereal when I'm super high. It's just like, I would like to order two cereals. Sir, you don't order cereal, you're high again. Okay, remind me of which islands, and this is a deli sir. There's one wall

Alright, I would like to please again. You do not order sir. All right. Will that be a hundred dollars? No, yes So then of course Lieutenant Colonel flying I shows up the stop and makes plain to him that that's not what it's all about Bruce it's not about chasing people down and hitting them with the bell and explain to him that that's not what it's all about Bruce. It's not about chasing people down and hitting them with the bell and then just taking their money. It's about like staring at him and making them feel guilty until they put money in your right. And it's not like he tackles anyone. So I want to take a moment to point out he says I'm already up to 500 bucks or something 500 bucks is huge. That's a came art. You know,

real charity. Like I don't think listen, I'm sure they a came out. You know, real charity? Like, I don't think, listen, I'm sure they'd be like, you know, throwing it down a little bit, but I think they'd also be like, hey man, that's fucking amazing. You just raised $500 for charity. I think they wouldn't be like, no, no, no. You got to make like $12 and just mildly, you're taking

the money. I'm sorry. Yes, not like there's a non-annoying way to do what he's doing either. I also love the idea that the Christian group doesn't use intimidation. Right. You sure about that guys? We don't do that. If you heard intimidation, yeah, that's Jesus' job. Right. And now we get the strangest, I want to plant a flag, the strangest description of Christianity I have ever heard in a Christian movie. Especially because he's trying to get him to a certain answer

with rhetorical questions, or not rhetorical questions, but with leading questions. And but Bruce just keeps having answers. So he has to go through 11 of them. So he's like, so what did Jesus do? And why would Jesus do that? And how did Jesus do that? And when did Jesus do that?

And with whom did Jesus, to finally get around to just Jesus do that? And how did Jesus do that? And when did Jesus do that? And with whom did Jesus, to finally get around to Jesus's love? Unless you don't give him a fig when he asks. This is like if Socrates' brother was hanging out in his office once and someone walked in and they were like, you know, you know what man is? God, is this more than he thought, do you know the love of man? But at this point he says, what did Jesus do? And he says he defeated evil. Yeah, like what?

What? That's Batman. That's not how you stride your, I never heard a Christian before this movie go, oh, what did Jesus do? He defeated evil. What? No, I think I think Jesus is supposed to defeat evil sometime in the future. It's just according to Matthew. So, and then, apparently now that he likes doing the bell ringing thing, they won't let him do that anymore, because I guess it's not punishment, and they hate joy. So now, they sentenced him instead to sort the applications for Christmas help. Right. Which, I don't know, listen, I don't know anything about the Salvation Army. Is that a thing like you applied to the Salvation Army? then you're like, hmm, let's see, do you deserve food? Absolutely. Now this is that,

that I think is a super huge key on this is the fact of the matter is private charities, charities, especially church run charities that have ulterior motives and shit like the salvation army, but private charities in general are not a good way to help poor people. Right? They're an inconsistent way. And then you end up having to have some fucking guy who is sentenced by an imaginary court in Lala land deciding who gets help and who doesn't. That's why we have, that's why like social institutions to do this shit are so important. And that's why these Christian groups that are like, well, fuck the, you know, or the Christian right folks that are like, you know, fuck social security, fuck this, fuck that, fuck Medicare.

You know, I'll just give to my church. It doesn't work like that. And this is fucking why. Because you have to like write an application to it and like versus like, oh, if you meet these for particular criteria and you get the fucking benefits. Right. Do you think that the Muslim kids that are poor are going to the Christian group to apply? Right, exactly. So. The food stamps office is just like, all right, so I'm going to need you to fill out this form to make sure that you deserve a Merry Christmas.

So right. So right. By the way, if people are looking for a good way to donate to charity, just going to say 911-truthers.org or have a fundraiser right now, they got a little Kickstarter going on, guys, and I'm just trying to 911 truthers.org or fundraiser right now they got a little kickstarter going on guys and I'm just trying to get the truth out there. There are thermite charts in this show notes to this episode. No they're right. So, but now what we're supposed to get out of this scene is because the fucking zombie

black man made him read a bunch of these applications. Now he understands what the salvation army is all about and now they're friends because you know he read an application about a kid that wanted basketball shoes. Right. Well here's the crazy thing he walks in and he goes you know those are confidential and he's like yeah I read him anyway and that's it that's no reason like hey man don't do that. What do you read him anyway? that's it that's no more like hey man don't do that what do you read anyway that's not a mean so that you don't right do that also who did he pass over that he wasn't moved by some kid was like and then stepped at used to

come in at midnight and tell me that oh no no I skipped this one oh this could like basketball that's about shoes for Andre were to which fucking major lieutenant general Lloyd says well let's hope he's not gay and maybe he'll get some them basketball shoes. Exactly. If he is gay though we're gonna send him to a therapist who will kill him. Oh shit. Or at least assist. And then we get you know in case you weren't getting the whole his life in the shitter message we're now gonna reinforce it with another scene of him you know getting home and and his house isn't decorated enough in the other house is. And now we learn that even people won't even

hire his wife's decorating service because they all know about the basketball and the face issue. Right. Yeah, exactly. His life is ruined. You can't trust a decorator if she's married to a convicted dribbler. Which by the way, if we know anything about Christians, it's the more horrendous they act publicly, the more likely they are to get the support of their fellow Christians. Well, why couldn't you have fucked the neighbor's kids?

This whole basketball thing is the truth about business. But if you had refused to newscast about gay people, we would have gotten a kickstarter all to our cell. Our indie gogo would be in the millions. But unfortunately, all I did was basketball or ref by accident. And then of course, we have to re-reinforce that exact same message by going back to the news studio to see how great Leslie's doing.

And I just want to mention that the anchor now clearly wants Leslie to piss in his mouth. Oh, he could not make that more obvious. That is very clearly a subplot of this movie that they cut, because so this is where he meets his boss. Well, no, he doesn't meet his boss, but we get, and this is who I call Newsman Russell Crowe. Okay, I can see it.

Because he's been demoted, so now he has to go cover bowling. Right, and it might not even make the air. Yeah, and this is where we learned about this earlier, but just because the movie really wants us to know, the black guy from earlier, Derek Jensen, doesn't like the press, doesn't do interviews. No, he is the Heisman Trophy winner, and he doesn't do interviews.

That's likely So what did you like doing in a no touchy no touchy you have to come out and do interview You're the heisman you want a true. You just not up to you. You don't get to just that's not a thing Football players don't get you just be like no, thank you Well, and then yeah, Marsha Lynch makes it makes it work, But I also noticed- But I also did not give interviews. He just doesn't answer. All about that action. That's an asshole the whole time, yeah, exactly. But I like that, okay, so what's

are setting up here is that Derek Jensen is everybody's trying to get a Derek Jensen interview. And whoever can get the Derek Jensen interview will get the job at the sports desk that he used to have. And now Leslie has, because that's how those types of things work. So now he has to get the interview with Derek Jensen. That's now going to be a major theme of this stupid fucking movie. Right. So he goes on Facebook. The next scene we see is him going on Facebook to stalk Derek Jensen and his mother. Like what? Like, oh, I know. I want to know as though reporters a wouldn't already have his

address through other means like i don't think i don't know about reporting i don't think facebook is what tom brokall went to first ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha is that the wife is like what are you doing? He's like, oh, I'm stalking Derek Jens. He's like, oh, you should find his mom and talk to her. And I'm just like, okay, you're supporting this? This is, you're okay with this, okay? And why not? This is where Jason comes home. And Jason, because he wanted to go to church two days ago,

but wasn't allowed to, and then gotten barrisped at the basketball game, he's now a member of the fucking greasers, he's now stay golden pony boy. He's like, whatever, his parents go home, and they're like, how is your Jens? And he's like whatever his parents go out and they're like how is your day and he's like fuck you mom and they're like alright what do you want for dinner you dick and what's your dick in my fucking face it's just this character could not this could not be a worst performance of angry teenager yeah he just starts answering in cliches

dad's like where were you he's like I learned it by watching you I don't want you a lot a carton of cigarettes cut cut you can't just quote other movies when you forget your lines that I could she said that I could put the other movies especially high school music come on Jason you promised you weren't gonna think not thinking I'm talking with notes in the background now I think we should point this out to okay well obviously we have to because it's the next scene but major Lloyd has invited them to all come as a family to the soup kitchen or whatever the food bank drive thing or whatever and so this is also the point where he says hey Jason daughter whose name never really gets established. Wife, similarly, it's just like the Bible.

None of the women have names in this movie. I'm sure they did. But he says, hey guys, we got invited to do this thing with this food bank, does everybody wanna go? And now that gets Jason excited. That's what your bitchy teenage son that does hard to talk to you really hopes for. Is that you'll volunteer him to go work

at a goddamn food bank at the salvation army because that's what really gets opens him right up good look guys listen i don't know about everyone else i don't know about our listeners but when i rebel and i had a rebellious phase as a teenager you could not keep me away from unicef i was just there every night organizing folders, unblinding children, what did they do? It's not quite sure what they do. Yeah, yeah. So they all go to the food drive

as one big happy family. And there's another like subtle reinforcement of the gay relationship concept here with Jason because when he introduces like Bruce introduces his family to Major Lowell and Jason have this sort of little moment where they're like, oh, we know something you don't know like they have a We're fucking moment. If they have a we're fucking moment. It's clearly a we're fucking moment. And I would have me I immediately wanted the movie to grind to a halt and have him be like, hey man Why did you just have like a nod checking with my kid? Are you fucking my son? You it up okay good to know all right that's very clear we don't want they have we don't want to say this publicly because the salvation army would probably fire you right and then

uh... marshal warfield's retarded daughters tell them to all have fun and again we're supposed to be learning that bruce is a terrible guy because he's really excited right he's really excited and he turns it into a race Issue yeah, yeah, so like when when when they're giving them like the sort of this is what we're doing talk He's going like oh right come on and everybody's just looking at him like this guy as he complete fucking asshole And can we point out everyone else in this room looks like a dead empty potato chip of a person Like he's like yeah, let's get some charity going on. Let's have some fun Everyone else is like put food in basket Go home sleep wake up more food more basket sleep. I'm like I would I would rather be in a charity with Bruce than these empty

Hot Fucking sure as the they live And this is this is the part where he gets into the engagement with like a 10 year old bitchie girl. Well wait let's point out the 10 year old bitchie girl is like hey it's that guy from the viral video. Let's get him so she gives her friend her phone instructs her to film and then steals his flower which because Brutus is skits of frenic not over competitive is a fucking psychopath he proceeds to fight with her over yeah like have a tug of war is anyone okay so when you've got the dad yanking on one end of the bag of

flower and the little girl yanking on the other end is there anyone anywhere that's like I wonder what's gonna happen well I actually had I have a bunch of ideas as to what could have happened that would have been better when the bag ripped open So the first thought it was it rips open is just spiders Thousand millions of spiders Pouring out into the eyes and the ears of everyone there and that's where the rapture starts Yeah, post the bag open. There's a baby a dead baby inside the bag Third final one opens it just semen comes splashing

And then some guy comes forward and he goes my com collection See now what I expected to happen was that they were gonna the bag was gonna rip the little girl was gonna fall down She was gonna twist her ankle. He was gonna get sued for that and then he was gonna be sentenced to walk across the bottom of the ocean to raise money for the for ISIS Right, yes That's what I was expecting, but that didn't happen instead in the flower rips open and he Splashes it all over himself and in the worst kind of like I mean like this guy clearly doesn't know how to do fucking physical comedy because he like basically rips it open and then pours it over his fucking head. Yeah it rips open it's one two three then he pours it over.

Yeah I can't write. Share videos like man you okay. You getting all dusted up. Also I'm just curious um the fuck is a homeless person gonna do with a 20 pound bag of flour? You're the fucking spackle their cardboard box with it? What are these? Why are they handing out giant bags of flour these people? They don't have ovens, dirt, big, big, complex, what?

So, but now here's the twist y'all. Derek Jensen was at this particular food drive the whole time and somehow a guy who does sports casting for a living Didn't recognize the Heisman Trophy winner standing three tables away until Fucking generally similar Lloyd point him out and says oh, yeah, we want to congratulate Derek Jensen Who's hanging out in our food drive for getting that Heisman Trophy or whatever. He's a shining light for the Lord Derek is black Jesus. Yeah, this was very again I forget that Heisman Trophy or whatever. He's a shining light for the Lord. Derek is black Jesus.

Yeah, this was very, again, also Derek at this point in the movie has not spoken, so I'm like, can Derek not speak? And then he just walks out. Right, he's like, he's like, you know, congratulations, Derek has to leave, but we just want to say how proud we are of him, blah, blah, blah, blah, and everybody claps and he just kind of nods. Not even a thank you, just kind of nods and walks out.

What? And as much as I wanted the movie to just end right there, it would have been mystical. We wouldn't know what was going on. It's stubbornly refused. So we're gonna take a well-learned intermission, but before we do, let me give back three of the hard sell. Will Bruce learn his lesson about not being good at stuff? Will the gaze just be celibate? Like the Salvation Army's official position suggests on its fucking website still to this day. Have I gone back to the well one too many times on the hard sell bit? Find out the answer to some of these questions or less when we return for the Unsighting conclusion of silver bells.

All rise the honorable jet. We're not I guess we're not doing that bit. Okay never mind. I guess nothing then just Welcome to court. All right, guys, let's get down to brass tacks here. Mr. Dern? Uh, that's me. I see here you feloniously dribbled a basket ball that unintentionally hit Mr. Jackson in the face.

That I did, yes. What are we thinking, guys, electric chair, guillotine? I'm sorry, shouldn't there be witnesses or something? We were thinking like a like a jump ropeathon for the KKK So I like that. That's cool. That's the cool thing. You are? Oh, I'm sorry. Who are you? I'm the daughter of the accused. Oh, and why are you here? The producers felt like the movie needed a young female with no character arc. I see, you are doing that. That is what you are. I just wanted to let you know that my dad definitely did it.

Hey, yeah, I know. I already saw the YouTube video. How the fuck is that admissible? Amnismal? I'm sorry, I've never heard that. Is that a word you made up just now for you? I was thinking maybe we could make him wear a sandwich board to raise money for the American Nazi party. He's in in I am not Sorry, she already said you're in the exit. No, that is not how court works. Are you sure you don't want to find him judge?

What good call what about a bazillion dollars? That would be about right? I'm thinking maybe a real number 10 billion Four billion eight billion six billion seven billion dollars $6 billion. $7 billion. Sold to the gentleman in the left hand corner. I-I-I object! I object! Too late. I already hit the little hammer thing.

Now, go get your sandwich board before I hold you in contempt and make yourself lemonade for the Westboro Baptist Church. Next, this sucks. And we're back for more bell-ringing action. When we last saw our hero, he was getting Nickelodeon right in front of the important black man and wouldn't you know it now Everyone continues to hate him like they have since this fucking movie started so nothing has changed nothing has happened 48 minutes in nothing has changed although we do learn that the video of him Uh fighting with the little girl over flower has gotten 18,000 hits guys. Yeah

18,000 and they ask. Yeah, 18,000. And they asked like, that's a really large number. You could not ask for a clearer sign that the person who wrote this movie calls it The YouTube's. Right. Right. Right. Are you kidding?

It's the most watched YouTube video of all time. It has 40 hits. Yes. How long's a TV show? 25? I was gonna say, I took like video of storm damage outside my house a year ago. It's got more than 18,000 fucking hits. Jesus.

And by the way, the scene starts with a shot of one of their Christmas decorations. And it says, every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. And for some reason I just I just pictured that angel that doesn't get wings because there was one less bell than expected right all the other angels laughing at his face haha fuck you Clarence we're flying airfield so good on my wings fuck you I'll just jog I'll just jog guys it's cool good cardio good cardio we're all gonna live forever no matter what I don't know what I'm just saying it's good cardio

I'm also thinking like what a bitch. It's got a B to B in the wing factory when the salvation army guys show up It's like oh god damn it's gonna be a thing all day Lucy in the chocolate factory That would have been an entertaining scene far more entertaining than anything this movie had to offer So but now the good news is now because of his celebrity he can more effectively stalk Derek Jensen so then we move on to the disturbing portion of the film where he shows up at this guy's mother's house right to harass her son about doing an interview and basically he's like hey I thought I could just show up to your home and talk to your son to which she responds I would never let my son who runs into other people for a

living talk to someone who accidentally hurts someone's nose. Yeah yeah right mom is so against violence that she clearly clearly indicates that she's gonna hit him with the shovel if he doesn't leave. Yes just again in in synchronicity i want to point out all of our notes have the exact same thing which is hit him with the shovel hit him with the uh... this is universal if you want to know what we went through while watching this movie it was a hope that he would get

hit with the shovel yeah right well i only wanted that because then the mom would get sued and have to go to imaginary court and have to like You know what I'm that's because she's a Christian. Yeah, there you go. There you go I was thinking that she would have to like do strip teases to raise money for the focus on the family or something like that I was hoping because mom was pretty hot mom was pretty hot mom is also incredibly young She has the same ages the kid. Yeah. Oh, yeah. She had Derek when she was zero years old She was born as male clone, one can only see. She does not like reporters.

No, she doesn't. She seems to hold them about where Americans hold atheists and rapists. Yeah, apparently a six-fingered reporter killed her, her husband, yeah. That's not a good place for her. You killed my father, pretty bad to to die so then we get more of uh... hey bros you were so he was late because he did that

yeah right right exactly is late for ways late for his bell ringing yeah and the struck match that is the protagonist of this movie is very disappointed in him for that so they come back home and the daughter's home and then and then tragedy strikes. The real tragedy of this movie is because someone has destroyed their Christmas decorations and TP their house. Now listen, I don't know if you guys remember the like rate of the ghetto scene from Shinner's List. I found it very hard to watch, but it was nothing compared to this. No trigger warning or anything.

I was not ready. I wasn't prepared. And then they had racial epithets spray painted on the ground like Quitter. Yeah, Quittah, it was Quittah. Which by the way, how much money would I pay for that to watch those guys? So we're gonna learn it's Jason's basketball team in a second spoiler alert

But how much would I love to watch that meeting? What what should we put in the ground? I don't know Let's call him like a fucker. I mean come on tone it down a little Asshole no, how about how about a quitter? No, that's too harsh. That's something like fun, like, quit- AAH! You know what? Oh, what are you some kind of quit- AAH? Alright, man.

Alright, man. I mean, we did destroy their property. Yeah, but I'm gonna wanna add hurtful language to that. Yeah, and mom is devastated. Her fucking angels are gone. Her fucking Christmas lights are gone shit has really hit the van and this is when we learn that the reason that their house has been attacked is because Jason quit the basketball team Jason was so ashamed in his father's behavior that he no longer likes basketball and quit the team which sent his team into a murderous

race. He's ripped off his letter like he's ripped it off like it's a fucking patch ceremony from the Civil War. You saw him tie him backwards to a mule and kick into the desert. Like gladiator cutting off the sign of the Legionnaires and shit. Yeah, exactly, exactly. I'm a son of anarchy now. I can't wear that. So now we cut to him at Kmart again, because like I said, it's work and then home and then Kmart

and then work and then home and Kmart. So we're back at Kmart and Major Lowell shows up to congratulate him because he's all his community services dot right to which he says i didn't think you'd stick it out it was court order dumbass right the other option was like what are you saying about how bad it sucks to volunteer for the salvation army that you're saying oh i thought you'd choose jail over this is gonna get the death penalty otherwise in this universe so i thought you would take your own life that's what happens a lot we come in we find them hanging from the rafters

Anyways, this is our fabulous facility. Let's take a tour and this is where the Commercial for Salvation Army really begins Yeah, so he takes him to the fucking evil fucking Salvation Army nor add apparently tax exempt enormous building that fucks over your public school's budget. Yeah, that's the one. Yeah, yeah. And the first thing we see, by the way, the very first thing is an indoor waterfall. There's a thing. I don't claim to be a charity, but if I ever did, if I ever did anything for charity,

I would not greet people with an indoor waterfall with people's faces carved into it like fucking magic. And here you can see we have the levitating faces of the people who gave us even more tax-free money than we are. That's an evil layer. I mean that's what you find at the front of a fucking evil, it's an evil layer for you. Yeah, that's a volcano layer. Yeah, sexy guards will snap your necks with their thighs. If you're gonna have a fucking see through volcano with pictures of people in it. That's a volcano layer. Yeah, sexy guards will snap your necks with their thighs

You're gonna have a ball if you're gonna have a fucking see through volcano with pictures of people in it. She'd be fucking Komodo Dragons with fucking war armor on in front of that thing. Yeah, so here's the thing Half her internationals headquarters are in New York and they're my favorite charity and I've been there and it looks like a goddamn Shit hole and you know why? and i've been there and it looks like a god damn shit all and you know why so that's constantly giving all their rights it's like a shitty office i was like where do i get coffee in there like i don't know starbucks why why would we have coffee here i'm trying to be people right right and now the reason that we're here by the way is because

uh... dad is bitch about all my son doesn't love me and quit his basketball team and just doesn't seem to care about anything and now we're gonna find out that what Jason has really been doing with his time is Coaching the little kid basketball team at the Scientology Center instead of his High School basketball shit, right exactly. So Jason's secret the reason why he's been acting like he's fucking Jason born is because he's been volunteering at the Salvation Army. Yeah. And didn't want anybody to know about it. If I don't fart in an elevator, I turn around to everybody in it and go, hey guys, I just

want you to know I didn't fart. If you want to applaud, I won't blame you. There's no way a teenage boy would be like secretly volunteering for the Salvation Army. Right. Also, here's where we meet Andre Knight. Now, this is the kid. He's the star kid of Jason's basketball team. And it just so happens, he's the same kid who wrote the application to the Salvation Army

about how he wanted basketball shoes. What are the odds? Zero. the odds are zero that exact absolutely can't happen I wanted to say hey I read your please help me on poor file your confidential nobody will ever read it file yeah exactly and then we get some Jesus which I got to admit at this point there hadn't been quite enough Jesus in the movie I was starting to get worried but then what's his name?

Pimp Daddy, Captain Levi. Guard, yeah exactly. You need to humble yourself to the Lord and start quoting Matthews. So we get a fair dose of Jesus. Right, right. And basically the message that he's sending to Bruce is, hey, look man, your court order hours are over. But if you like, I could drive this all through your ear at the door jam i'm just saying i'm just saying that's an option

so and then we go to the uh... to afterwards we go to the heart to heart with jason where he's asking like well you know why did you quit your team and why didn't you tell me you were volunteering and i guess jason's reason is because um... you're addicted and i don't like you you're a dick and he's like yeah but what about schools and he's like it's fine an athletic scholarship is the same thing as volunteering at the local salvation army and everyone in the world was like oh no it's not change now it really isn't oh sorry how many full scholarships do you offer

for people who go to the salvation army and help kids with basketball. Zero? Zero? Oh, okay. Shame. Whoops. Learned that too late. So now again, look, it's work home, fucking came art, so we're back at came art. And this is where the ref that had his nose broken shows up to like try to rob it in on him.

But now he's there because he wants to be there, not because he's court ordered to be there. So, ha ha. And they bet the ref space, they'll be like, hey, did I ruin your life? And he's like, oh yes, yes you did. You ruined my entire life because I accidentally hit you in the nose with a basketball. And he's like, okay, good talk, bye. Oh, but don't forget to give us money before you go. And then he's like right. Here's a dollar Yeah, Bruce actually asked him he goes, uh, do you get that check? I sent to pay for your medical bills your single strip of white tape You said you for that guys again, it was three strips and yes, I did Thank you. I have to replace it twice also bought aspirin

And then we get the the Shucks Bruce you're okay after all seen with his boss because apparently even though they demoted him he's doing a good job instead of just waving his dick at the camera like apparently they thought he was gonna do. And man what I love that I would love it every time I had gotten demoted in my life someone had come and said hey Eli you're being a real champ about this someone would come and say, hey Eli, you're being a real champ about this. As opposed to that, hey Eli, you can't come in the Starbucks and I was like, get your hands off me, you're not a real cop. It's a long story. I don't want to bring it up here. Talk to David Manning, I think we all know. I was told this was an eggnog latte.

And then, okay, so- Actually, I have a disease, so it's only for the pumpkin spice lattes. I'm very sick. the pumpkin spice latte very sick very very sick i'm sure you can't cure with an antibiotic that's all i'm saying some you can't most of the time right it's alright they're still sacred uh... so now we get the honestly this is this is the good moment the movie i was actually fairly impressed with the writers here because now what brusse does

now that he's got his boss all happy he's like uh... hey can i borrow a camera man and then he takes uh... the camera man and interviews the little kid basketball team right well actually just interview andre which i want to be a dick move yeah kind of he's like i'm here for the win anything all the kids are like

is it my turn is like no no i'm done this is the poor kid who want shoes anyway it is a sweet i only have sympathy for him this is this is the least terrible movie we've watched and this is the poor kid who want shoes anyway it is a sweet thing i only have sympathy for him this is this is the least terrible movie we've watched and this is the least terrible moment in the least terrible movie it's still terrible yeah credit where credit's too but it's the kind of thing that you know like if that's if this is the den you maw of of a like hallmark movie you'd go okay yeah no i see it i i get where we were going exactly and uh and now also Jason has

Rejoined his basketball team like a good boy because the Salvation Army has made Bruce into a good dad Right, so he comes to practice because Jason has Has like rejoined the team he comes to practice Bruce and dad does yeah the entire basketball team all the sudden has autism. He shows up and they're like no, no touch They if you just showed me this scene out of context and you were like Eli for a thousand dollars What did Bruce do to this basketball team? I'd be like fuck them During a game he fucked them all So then he then he a volunteer is he's like what happens if you guys lose a game

We run suicides which what a terrible way to coach But anyways, what happens if you're the reason you lost the game we run suicides So he volunteers to run 20 suicides Right and keep in mind this guy's like 55 years old or something like, and this is, I was so convinced he was just going to die. Oh, yeah, I was, I, billionaire money, this movie, Shot for Shot, except he falls down and shits himself, and they're all like, oh, credits. Whoops.

Probably should have let him get off with five suicides. Also, I don't know. There is nothing I could do to a basketball team that I would run suicides for them. I could hit the coach and his baby daughter with my car and I would not run suicide. You know, which is, would feel better if you run suicide. I'm feeling, oh, how about a pizza party? Who wants to get by this stuff? And by the way, I'm not trying to be a dick. I got he's like 55 years old or ever, but he's not touching the line on the floor those don't count that's not Believe to take it from a fat kid that played basketball

They always make you run extra if you don't touch the line of floor. Yeah, and you're always on the skins team for shirts and skins because it's fucking mean I got a note to get out of Jim that said I was susceptible to colds. I never did Jim that said I was susceptible to colds. I never did Jim class. Once a year I would go into the library and the gym teacher who knew my dad was like, so you're going to write a report on sports and I'd be like, sports are fun and he'd be like, great, I don't know how to read, that's why I'm a fucking gym teacher. We're done here. Well, and I also want to point out first of all in this scene that we basically watch him run all 20 of these suicides Oh, yeah, just it's for an incredibly long time. We're watching this and then

He does not die on the court like Hank gathers which yeah, it would have been so much better But then instead they give him a goddamn slow clap Slow clap Yep, the fucking basketball team gives him a fucking slow clap. Right. Oh, that's goddamn fucking movie. All right. And then we cut to them handing out stuff to needy families.

You know, it's dad and it's son and it's a, you know, lieutenant general major fucking joint. Right. But they're not doing that with everybody. They just decide to do that with Andre's family and Andre's family the stage directions must have been poor orphans with their faces pressed to glass because that's There's 85 kids in this family and they're fucking decanzy and they've got smudges on the room chimney sweeps

factory governor And of course Andre comes out and he gives him a big hug and he's like thank you coach and listen I'm listen I'm I'm just saying if there's a kid in this movie that's right for sexual abuse. It's Andre Andre You know what I'm saying like you get a vibe off him. You're like okay. That's the kid debate He's a you were going to work. He's attractive. Yeah, we have to choose one But and it this again, it makes absolutely no sense what they're doing.

They show up with these baskets of whatever. And they can feel like we're extremely cold. Can we have your jackets or something? No, maybe you just cover yourselves in this baking flower, right? I've got a paper mache jacket. It's a banana for you. Yeah.

I've got a pineapple. You'll have to gnaw your way through like an animal out in the dark There is literally a pineapple in one of the baskets which considering that this is a poor family who probably doesn't have access to like pineapple opening equipment There is they're just gonna throw it at the sidewalk until it splits open There's eat some fucking pulp off the ground there. Yeah, again wrote at the sidewalk until it splits open ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha He is good buddies with Derek Jensen, the Heisman trophy winner and his mom and everything. So he takes them over there. He takes them over there and they basically meet and at first, he basically walks him into the house and she treats the word reporter like it means Nazi.

He's like, I'm here with these reporters and she's like, no, no. Yeah, no, she's and then when Derek comes down she's like Derek this man is a rapist I mean reporter same difference where is the same thing right except and then there's this crazy moment oh this is this is something I want to talk about they're all calling him major in this yeah I know I said it a little bit at the beginning but there's nothing more offensive to me about this movie than the fact that they just give themselves pretend ranks. I can't stop thinking about it.

I'm actually, why would you? How solid brass are your balls to not fight or help people or serve in a military capacity and just be like, I'm general Eli. Eat it right. Like if podcasters just started to be like, I don't know, I'll call myself Grand Mar, let's see, Sam's pod, serials cereals the number one so that's the general and then everyone's been on cereal adnons that fucking crazy yeah well and I also love that like you know mom's like oh no he can't talk to my son because

you're a reporter and then major Lloyd is like oh well they packed baskets he's like well shit I guess if you pack baskets, you can do it. And the reason that she doesn't want him to talk to reporters, we find out is because, quote, we've seen what happens when people go out there and talk about their beliefs. They get crucified.

Yeah, crucified exactly. Like, yeah, I mean, first of all, I think she's referring to Jesus. Christians have a bad habit of not remembering, like, you know, the parts of history where they had it good. She's not talking about Jesus. She's talking about Tim Tibo. Yes, yes.

Black Tim Tibo the movie. Yeah, listen guys, let's just hope one day an athlete has the courage to admit that they're a Christian. Maybe even thank God after a day. It's not gonna be wonderful if Christians could be open and free for the first time in athletics I'm the fucking real but yes, they really they're really heavy-handed about that Well, he doesn't want to talk to reporters because he's Christians and Christians hate or reporters hate Christians like oh god

Damn it fuck off and red god damn Starbucks cops are just a fucking kick in your nuts Foss of off he has a fantastic line here which I use all the time and I don't know which atheist in the writer room managed to get this across but the reporter guy Bruce goes I can see that your faith is very real to you. I say that all that's such a here's a cookie for not biting me. I love it. It's the equivalent of thank you for your honesty. Yeah, right, right, exactly, exactly. I appreciate that you spoke up in the moment that you did, but fuck off.

Yeah, it's great. And of course, that's all it takes to lock down this interview with the elusive Heisman Trophy winner. So he gets that worked out, but here's the rub. His boss decides to let slut whore conduct it instead of him. Again, slut whore. Good universe and culture. How dare she? Before we get to the interview, though, I love this bit this moment where he's given her advice, right, on how to do the interview. And she says, if you really want to get him to talk, ask him about Christmas.

And she responds the way you would when a guy whose job you took and wants the job back, gives you really shitty advice. Right. Give him some skittles. He'll talk. Exactly. All you've got to do is play some music and it'll go right to sleep. Rub his belly.

Rub his belly. rub his belly. Exactly. You know where I expect expectant you're gonna be like, you know where a sports show, right? I wanna talk to the Heisman winner about sports, not quismips. Right. And it's this bizarrely intimate sports interview

to this on the couch. She's got her arm around him kind of thing. It's so creepy. Yeah, diabetic Amanda Pete. She leaned in to make out with him several times during the interview. She has read those often knowns. We're gonna deny it each time. And Derek has severe on the spectrum autism during this interview.

Clearly. Because she's like, so that was a fantastic play last week against state. And he's like, no, no. And then she's like, what do you want from Santa? And he's like, Mo, Jesus. Oh, well, and I she's like, what do you want from Santa? And he's like, mojis is. Oh, well, and I love this to. And again, this is one that's just gonna, you know, probably only the sports fans in the audience

are gonna notice, but they also mentioned for the first time at this point that he's a wide receiver. They gave the heistman to a wide receiver. You don't get the heistman. What? For that, no. All right, quick trivia question, you can you can just you know Whatever like thumb through a Harry Potter book for a second or whatever, but but he can you could you tell me who's the last

Wide receiver to win a heisman I could not 1991 Desmond Downard Howard. Yeah, yeah Desmond Howard yeah guys I just googled wide receiver and I had very different things come up Yeah, guys, I just googled wide receiver and I had very different things come up But I can tell you that I try to know of a lot more respect for the football team. I never It's way sexier than you thought it was right now I also want to point out that she's terrible like in the movie in the movie universe

She's supposed to be doing a really good job with this interview and everything, but in the real, I watch people interview athletes universe, she is fucking awful. First of all, she doesn't introduce him or anything. She doesn't say like, I'm here with Derrick or whatever, when the camera start rolling, she's like, so Derek, yeah, great 80 yard catch a state. She's goddamn fucking terrible. She's trying to create the TV mood that you've already come into an interview that it started I guess so and then okay so then he's not responding to our interview so then she's like well anybody can see what's happening on the field tell us about Christmas and i'm thinking okay if that's what it takes to get him to open up you're still failing because nobody tuned into the god damn interview with the fucking The Heisman trophy winner elusa fucking wide receiver to hear about his god damn christmas traditions right yeah exactly and then also the story

he tells is fucking terrifying he basically tells the story all the sudden he wakes up right he's able they're able to lull him out of his fucking shell yeah autism is cured by asking about christmas exactly they got him in one of those cow squeezer machines and he fucking hopes us up. What's her name invented? They got him on some key lation, got all of those autism causing vaccines out of him. Exactly. They bleached his ass all, you know, all the stuff that works. And so he basically tells this story of how he got his start by getting a Christmas basket from the Salvation Army, and then he says, they took us aside and they said, these presents are because Jesus loves you. What a fucking terrifying story.

Well, right, because, okay, keep in mind, it's like those presents were donated by people. Right. It's not because Jesus loves you, it's because there are people out there who care about you. That's the right message to send to these kids. But no, they took them aside and were like were like hey there's a wizard in the sky he loves you that's why you have presents are you too young to understand this critically yes great high-five us we're gonna go call ourselves a different rank

now because it's all Or Leesimo. Oh, and of course, what did his box have in it from the Salvation Army? What's in the box? It's probably what's in the box. Severed head would have been so much better. It's three severed head. But no. It was a football. Yeah, that would even be even better.

And I'm thinking myself, okay, so this is the message they're sending. It's like, oh, the Salvation Army gave him a football and they became a football star. And I'm thinking, hmm, shame it they didn't give a telescope or a book It's the it's the give every poor black kid a football fucking method of economic recovery well done guys Exactly, which is why this year I have made a donation to the Salvation Army of a hundred stethoscopes the Salvation Army of 100 stethoscopes. I'm gonna get more doctors out there and everything. Everyone knows that if you give a poor kid a thing, that's what they need to come when they grow up.

Something sparks the mind like the first present you ever get from the Salvation Army. Exactly. I wanted him to have a t-shirt that said, God love me so much that he took my mom's job and all I got was this lousy football, but he didn't. So then we cut to Salvation Army Church.

He mentions when they're at HQ that they actually have a church in the Salvation Army headquarters because that makes the headquarters tax-free. So we cut to... And Bruce... Nothing says charity, like, oh, we also have religious services here. Nothing says good intentions, like, oh, and you can also pray to our God if you want to. We don't work, we're just here for good. We're just here for good. You can all flips out like a pro-ubition era bar. Yeah,

let's back. No, there's a church in here technically. No, no, no, no. No, Sergeant Boko, we weren't gambling in here. Um, so, uh, then I guess the uh, back later. This is also I guess where we learn that there is now the tom cruise of the salvation army because apparently since his interview uh... volunteers and as it's fight

the crazily and their little town or whatever now everybody wants to volunteer for the salvation army because they heard about the football thing right exactly and then lezley has gotten a better job so you were gonna settle on you which I look that's the good part of this movie It's not like hey, we decided Leslie wasn't the kind of thing we're looking for you are they're like oh Leslie got to go work at a real station So you I guess You get to have the job back that you you know have been doing for 27 years and not gotten the promotion that Leslie got in basically Proust is the girl you've been flirting with at the party all night and then her friend has to make her leave and so you're like all right well I guess you

You want to you want to yeah, and now we get Christmas morning right and they're given gifts and he and his family got him Belle a salvation army Belle. I remember they made him do it And then the neighbors the neighbors across the street that compete with them for the most ostentatious house They come by to give them turd cakes also known as fruit cake. Yeah Exactly and then they go and they look out on the lawn and, oh, it's a Christmas miracle. Someone redecorated their lawn. And it is the worst horrible thing I've ever seen.

Okay, now first of all, I want to give you the kind of the setup that the movie gives you. Okay, so they walk out and they're like, oh, you know, the neighbors say, we're really sorry about what happened here, decorations and everything, but we love what you did instead. And they're all like, what we did instead. And then they run outside to see.

So the movie makes you expect something spectacular outside. The expect is gonna be like, life size real reindeer in actual Santa. And fucking Jesus playing to double-headed electric guitar while getting a blowjob from Mary Magdalene or something Yeah, or at least there would be lights, but no it's what it's yeah, they've put like six fucking Salvation Army Catdles with like hand-drawn signs Yeah next to them they deserve to win nothing nothing. They do not deserve to win any

It's not like they did good decoration were supposed to i feel like we're supposed to get the vibe like oh they might win the contest no the judges are going to be like did you even enter or you just crazy people ha ha ha or have you just been stealing the pedals from the salvation army so and that's the whole fucking movie that's the big ending i guess so i i ask what was the moral of this story the silent speaks of volume

oh it's wait no I can do it it's that um witt ambition is okay but only a little like just an engine and then the most important Wait, no charity is good. Well, okay, but not actually okay if you want to get okay if you want a Laura black man Injured interview Talk to about Christmas. Is that it? I think the moral of the story is hey?

Yes, we hate fags, but we also clean up roads and shit and give flower to poor people. So come on, come on. Yeah, look at Tim Tivo, who's good at sports. We have some people who's good at sports soon, hopefully. No, of course, as everybody knows, we don't do X number of stars, types of rating systems here. Since the only way the movies that we review would earn stars is if you hit yourself in the head with them. So instead, we rate by analogy, for example, for example I might ask Heath. What is the worst thing a sports gastric could hit you in the face with that would still be better than this movie? To which Heath might say...

Obviously you're leading me toward a bucacchi-related answer. Oh yeah. So I'd rather be come on man. How about that? I'd rather take money shots. I'd rather take money. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait from the cast of sports center rather get scott van pelton with com then watch this bris brum and yells out catchphrases stumbling bumbling that's too much oh shit alright so elay the bar has been raised sir

uh... i ask you what is the meanest thing that you would do to a homeless person if it meant that you didn't have to watch this movie again? Um, I mean, okay, so I'm gonna go a slightly different angle here and say that I would give them a food basket made entirely of flour, soda, and any other food stuff. Three gomen, three pounds of cornstarch. I wouldn't like a boynicket. No man, this is mine. It's a little chilly.

Like I'm gonna go home, but I'm a little chilly right now. Anyways, enjoy your flower. Can I kill myself with it? Nope, you can't. He lied out. Merry Christmas, I did a good thing. Well, that does it for our review of Silver Bells. That's not quite gonna do it for the episode, since we still need to get you all wet and sticky over next week's show

So Eli tell us what's on deck Christmas angel. All right now. We decided this one late So I don't think I know I haven't seen the preview yet. He hasn't either. I don't believe So can can you give us a give us an idea of what we've gotten store for us? Okay, so this movie is about a little girl, it's very confusing and it's very hard to tell. It's about a little girl who lives next to an abandoned house and when they throw rocks in it, their wishes come true. So they decide to make that, but then it also, it's got Kevin Sorbo, so lockbo so lock in yeah Kevin Sorbo is in it but it also has Delarice in it the singer Delarice okay and it's really

upsetting because she plays she's like the miscleo of this movie and in the preview we see her like catching the little girl throwing rocks at the house and be like you throwing rocks at my house but then Kevin Sorbo is supposed most own house. I have no idea what's going on It looks like a shit show But already in the preview the mom says that God's will is gonna take the way and that you don't get to ask angels for things in a movie about Angels who grant wishes So if I'm excited to see a crazy Delaris and of course some more K-sorbs. It's gonna be a great time. Oh yeah, absolutely absolutely. I think I'm sold. So with all that to look forward to, we'll bring episode 17 to a

merciful close. Once again a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful. That's patreon.com slash god awful. And thereby earn early access to every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes, or by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed the show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating atheists, and the scrapped crowd available on iTunes Stitcher, or wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodawfulMoviesatgmail.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of Evil Drafts

on Mars and was used with his permission. If you like what you hear, here and more by following the link to the show notes for this episode. Thanks again for giving us to the show notes for this episode. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Heathen, right, Neil, I'm Bosnick, I'm No Illusions Promise, and to work hard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we're gonna leave you with a brand new twist on our clothes. No guy from Brooklyn telling you to fuck yourself this time, huh?

At the end of so many of these movies, we at God Awful Movies feel like we're left with more questions than answers. So we've done our research, and in the tradition of great films like The Sandlot, and stand by me, we present you with a Where Are They Now for Silver Bells. Bruce was eventually let go for good, when his third and final video of him screaming racial slurs at a church raffle went viral. For the rest of his life, he would be known known as raffle guy loses his shit, gets tazer by cops and poops himself. Linda didn't believe in God at the beginning of the movie or the end of the movie. She went

on to become a lawyer for the ACLU, ironically suing the Salvation Army for their predatory anti-LGBT policies. Jason didn't go to college since he didn't get his scholarship and continued to volunteer at the Salvation Army until his gay conversion therapy failed, resulting in his suicide. Beth didn't win the Christmas decorations contest because four buckets in a sign aren't fucking Christmas decorations. Un chapuzón, con el hábito, tu serie favorita y en medio de tu siesta. ¡Ey! ¿Has visto esta? No sabes la de planazos que hay este verano en Guésville Parkesur. Con ciertas osesiones con DJs, clases de yoga, talleres con martas y actividades con niños. Te apuntas.

Un sueño de verano, bailüe sin parkesur. y actividades con niños te apuntas.