God Awful Movies - 25: Gam025 Christian Mingle

Episode Date: February 9, 2016

This week, Eli, Heah, and Noah are joined by the hilarious Chelsea Davison to break down a heartwarming story of petty problems, woeful lack of chemistry, and filling out webforms.  Christian Mingle tells the story of shallow, paternalistic views on imagined white people problems amidst the backdrop of a storm-ravaged town in Mexico that just stays storm ravaged.---If you'd like to hear more from Chelsea Davison, you can follow her on Twitter, or check out her website.--- Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  If you'd like to hear more from them, you can check out their Facebook Page.

A chapuzon, with a la dito, your favorite series, and in the middle of your party. Hey, have you seen this? You don't know the plan that you're going to see in Nunguasville, Parkesur, with certain sessions with DJs, classes of yoga, workshops, and activities with children. You're going to get points. A dream of summer, by Westin Parkesur. The whole kiss was so confusing because she's like, don't kiss me and he's like, all right, I won't. And then she's like, oh, okay. And then he does and she's like, meany. It's like, wait, I'm so confused. Like, is this like, yeah, consent dumb. It's all a game. Women don't know what they want. Thank you. I've got a passage from Return of Kings.com to read. At this point in time, Chelsea opened that up.

And my meeting got canceled on Saturday. So now I can kiss you. Oh, love you. Oh, love you. Oh, love you. God, awful. Movie. Movie.

Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MO! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MO! MO! MOVIE! MO! MO! MOVIE! MOVIE! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MOVIE! MO! MO! MO! MOVIE! MOVIE! MO! MOVIE! MO! MOVIE! MOVIE! MO! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MO! MO! MO! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MO my immediate left is my good friend Heath and right heath welcome back. Why thank you sir I am delighted as always. And sitting 989 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli so good to be a join to you once more. We share a taste in movies. Unfortunately we do. And sitting 2776 miles to his left is special guest massacres as recently seen on Comedy

Central's at midnight Chelsea Davis and Chelsea welcome to god awful movies thank you thanks i think we'll see right right now up front i wanted to apologize for the existence of both this movie and this podcast um yeah it was real bad oh wow and and i'll tell you what you know we do this every week and this is bad for us now i I don't want to tease everybody too much. So before we get into that, heath, tell us what are we going to be breaking down today. All right, we watched easily one of the best website

movies out there. ChristianMingle.com, the movie. The radio ad probably went something like this. When it is a successful young woman and she's Christian, but is she Christian? I know what happens at ChristianMingle.com, the movie, the movie.com. It's like, if the social network just got rid of the plot and was just about one person who went on Facebook and eventually liked something, and the thing they liked was Jesus. That's the movie. Yeah, yeah, that's it. That's pretty much it. So, Eli, tell us how bad was this movie?

So this is like the day the clown cried of Christian cinema. Like you feel like it's not complete. It's so terrible that you want to love it, but you also simultaneously hate it. At some point you're not confused whether or not it's Jerry Lewis in the movie. It's just generally a very confusing and emotionally upsetting movie. This is the fastest movie to get nowhere anywhere. It's like if speedy Gonzalez ran in tiny circles. That's the plot and action in this terrible I'd I'd say you pretty much nailed it I know Chelsea. I think you might be a little closer to the target audience for this movie than us

So I have to ask you after watching this movie will you be changing your religion and moving to Mexico to find a man? Oh, I'm already in Mexico right now recording this yeah, yeah, no, I'm I'm not been hunting no now recording this. Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm husband hunting. No. This was so insulting. Like from a feminist angle. Also the fact that it had so many female characters and it took, I mean, I was, I was on the edge of my seat seeing if this would pass the back del test. It did in the end because it did it. I'm gonna argue with you there because if you count Jesus as a man, I don't think it does. Yeah, they don't because they argue about her and her friend argue about the baldness sub-salt. Oh, okay. So technically-

And there's a female baldness in there, so it's fair. Yeah, absolutely. Right. No, but this, honestly, I found the girl very charming and I love her because of mean girls because she was in it. She's Gretchen Wieners. Absolutely. So I was really rooting for her and for this movie and oh boy, it's real sad. Yeah, yeah, it's like watching the horse you've got your money on just die in the gate and then convert to Christianity. Right at the very end well we've got a lot of people at the case

uh... it was so hard for me to believe that this was a like an on purpose movie it didn't strike me as that most of the way uh... and one of the things that really bother me about it is they they seem to think think that the simple fact that there was a man and there was a woman was enough for us to want them to get together by the end of this

thing. Right. Even though, I mean, he was basically like young Jeb Bush. Like, he was so milk toast. He was all of cold play boiled down into one person. The first I call him. And she was smoking hot and cool. The first time they have sex, he just turns to her police clapped. Please orgasm, please, or just at least fake it.

The elastic story. Now we had a habit when we first started this show of labeling every movie we watched as the worst movie we've ever seen. But along the way what I've learned is that there's just a lot of different ways that a movie can be worst. So any nominations for this one, anything that this movie was the worst at? Um, can I say editing? Because this is the, oh please say editing. Very good. Here's, here's my thought. All right, I once took four tabs of Molly by accident. I took four pills and Molly once by accident and time skipped around

and at one point I was in a circus and then I was in a children's birthday party. It's a child of the party. It's a child of the party. Yeah, I got a child of the party. And that's how this movie feels to watch. It feels like time has jumped around. It's like you're watching the movie Memento, but the DVD's broken. That's how confusing. So if I can say it's even got Sammy Jenkins in it.

It does. It does. Yeah. I would nominate this movie for worst single scene because we literally had to watch someone sign up for a website. Like web forms was a thing. Well, quite a while. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, here's the thing. This movie is an ad for ChristianMingle.com. So the reason why they had to have a scene, and we'll get to it, the reason why they had to have a scene where she signs up, is because they're trying to get, like, women who have been told they're totally worthless

and can't possibly meet a guy who's nice to them on the street, is like, it's so easy. You just press this button, and then press another button, and we'll make the email sending sound, and then you'll find the man of your dreams I would have gotten that if they actually did that of like look how quick it is But then it's like five minutes of her just sitting there

I have to go through all the various fillets and yeah Yeah, she doesn't even have an auto complete go under anything I expected like a sub-blood of just like the cap shot like to keep going back. Oh damn it. No that it says 6-H E. Oh god damn it. Turn it upside down. Turn it upside down. Sometimes they're street signs. Well according to this editing in this thing this movie is in a fucking hurry so we don't want to keep it waiting any longer than we have to. So with that in mind, we're going to take a quick break, and when we come back, we'll break down all the frenetic oddities of Christian Mingles, the movie. With Christian Mingle grossing nearly 25,000 dollars domestically, it was just too tempting for us to not get on board.

So if Rocky Mountain Pictures has any openings for further website-based romantic comedies, we'd love to offer up the following selections. After 25 years of marriage to a loving wife, and with three young kids, Brian decides to get out there and burn it all to the ground, in a story about loving, living, and paying to send European spam bots a virtual gift. This summer, Ashley Madison, the movie. Tired of getting blown when it's not his birthday, Ryan decides to pretend to be Jewish to find the girl of his dreams, but when Rachel finds out he's not an MOTT, will she forgive him? Yes, but he'll never fucking hear the end of it. J.D. the movie.

This July, it all began when Mary corrected Todd's article on the Eastern mud turtle but as it quickly escalated into one of the worst flame wars in the history of talk pages citation needed they realized that underneath Underneath it all. The flames were kindling more than just- Anger. In... Wikipedia. The- Film. Grinder.

The movie. It's just a gay porn. And we're back for the breakdown and in the time that it took me to say those words, this movie had already squeezed in eight lines of exposition and three production logos. Holy shit was this movie in a hurry to be over. Yeah, it starts so fast and it's the fastest time of me hating a movie we've ever watched. I died 14 seconds in, they say, we all have our different ways of our relationship with Jesus and I was like, I'm out.

Yep. Because I keep waiting, listen, we've done 25 episodes. I keep waiting to come upon a Christian movie where I'm just like, you know what? I'd like to that movie 14 seconds in. I was like, not this one. It's not this one. Crossing it off the list. It starts with a voiceover from season one, Meg Griffin, which was exciting. Yeah. That was awesome. I got, uh, they got her to do her a little, uh, how I found Jesus voiceover. It was great. Budget meal acunis is in this movie. Yeah. Very exciting. I just can't believe they really made Christian Mingle the movie. I kept waiting for like, oh, well, they made this.

Where's OKCupid the movie? And plenty of you fish the movie, which would just be a snuff film. LAUGHTER Shouldn't have gone on that like that. You're right. You really, this is on me. Oh, God. So they're at this restaurant, and it's very obvious that this guy is just incredibly

not interested. Now I want to give this guy at least a little bit of credit because given the little snippet of conversation that we get in this date, I would be checking out too, I think. Yeah, she does mention wine in two of the three sentences that she says to him. She's like, the wine is amazing. Also the cheese. Also the fucking wine. Am I right? And he's like, are you okay? The wine. The wine. Where's the waiter with our shots? It's

going the afternoon. The wine. Knowing that she is of like a bad alcoholic, I think makes the rest of the movie make so much more sense though. You're like, oh, she has mental problems. Also, I love that the version of non-Christian men that this movie created is men who will go over and just like start fucking other women while they're on a completely new level. On the day, yeah. This was gonna turn it to a CNFM porn in like 20 seconds

after she just turns around and they're all jerking them off. She's like, when will I find Mr. White? I just think they could have done a better job finding someone who looks different from the other guy we're about to meet just because like they're both the widest people ever. Like, I mean, and also he's another guy who is not that hot and she is so hot. Like, I get that their conversation wasn't going great, but he should be like, typically just like, like, yes, uh-huh.

Yeah, from us, whatever you want, whatever you want true that true that I will give you that he looks like a ghost who's not quite dead yet what he's trying to do it and he looks like Mariska Hargitay is about to ask him a few questions right after this he looks like Ron Howard after the divorce oh wow I have nothing to feel bad. Yeah Terrible I had nothing on this guy's appearance. I was just in a hurry for this scene to be over as the movie itself was Because after like five lines of dialogue immediately now we cut to her and her caddy friends discussing the last scene over dinner And her Asian friend is super hot so I liked this movie for the entire time that she was on screen.

That was when I was able to pay attention. Those were the best 11 seconds of the film. Yes, exactly. And of course, they're discussing what most women need to discuss in a Christian film, which is that love is a contest, specifically a race. Right. As soon as they're like, yeah, you know what, I'm not going to be the last one to get married. There's always Ann Marie like fucking Marie like they immediately start laying into poor Ann Marie.

She's not even there. It's like, oh my god. What is Ann Marie like not have her legs or something like why is she such a troll? She also has this fantastic moment where she goes, I just need a guy who will look at me for 10 seconds. And I was like, all right, don't date autistics. I don't know. Have you been vaccinated? Yes, sorry, next. I need someone, need someone greenmommy.com. All natural.

Give me a man with a measles. I was impressed with the movie at this point, just because I expected it to be all white. And having an Asian girl right away. I mean, that's like more diversity than most of the Oscar movies. Yeah, well, it's maybe if there were other characters in this movie, there was good. Listen, they got a nomination for 21 Jump Street. Or no, straight out of Covton.

That makes that better. Same thing, same thing, I think. Same thing. So basically what we learn from this scene is without a man, she can't have opinions or know who to vote for or anything. So she's got to get that taken care of and then we cut to her at home, flipping through channels on TV and wouldn't you know it at the four minute and thirty two second mark into this feature length Christian Mingle commercial. We get a little Christian Mingle commercial in the big one. Yes, it's the first Christian Mingle commercial, we get a little Christian Mingle commercial in the

big one. Yes, it's the first Christian Mingle commercial inside this Christian Mingle commercial. Of three, the first of three, yes. Christian Mingle inception. Yeah, it's like an advertising nesting doll. Exactly. More and more. And also, of course, she finds out while she's online that even Ann Marie has found a dick, she's getting married.

So the fucking bridge trolls getting hitched. No, except they show her picture. Ann Marie is fine looking. These women need to chill the fuck out. Yeah, she didn't have the cleft palate or the big neckgoid or nothing. Right. And Marie had just attempted suicide right before they had had that conversation. So they were like, no one's ever gonna want her you don't

have to talk about it. Wow. Like they should just the movie should turn at that point. It's just like it all becomes about Anne Marie for the rest of the film. I would have been a better film. Yeah, I was more interested in her than I was on any of the shallow fox in this movie. She's also more likeable. Yeah. So now of course following the old cinematic

dictum, why show us when you can tell us we get yet more narration expounding on the stuff that we just saw while she's riding her bike to work. And the narration by the way, think rejected sweet valley high. Yeah, this is the first movie I've ever seen. We're an omnipotent narrator contradicts something a character her said earlier in the movie You remember that line that we wrote down and filmed and kept in the movie fuck that line

I need something and she wrote and her she wrote she says I needed something totally different and I was like girls I'm back in Come on make it happen. Okay, Cupid the movie. And then we meet Sassy Black lady, following the Christian movie rule that there always has to be a racist best friend and we're going to spend a lot of time with her in the film. Yeah, but not in this scene. This scene is about three and a half seconds long. Her friend walks in, she's like, girl, I'm your sassy best friend.

Then their boss who dresses like a captain comes in, he's like, we're an advertising firm. I.I. captain, hard cut, the scene's over. It's fucking insane. But not before she first is like, thanks Oprah. And the black lady's like, don't call me Oprah. It's like, yeah, don't call her Oprah. Oprah that's so cool you're hanging out at the office with the one black lady who works there yeah probably don't call her precious or Oprah yeah thanks Morgan Freeman you get an HR meeting and you

get an HR meeting everyone gets an office seminar and racism and the way, it's Ned Ryerson is the ad-mortem. I know, Stephen, he's so much better than this. Yeah, out of the tank. They got a few good people in this movie. I'm just assuming it was next to the set of something good. And they were like, look, if you guys want to come over on your lunch breaks, we got like eight grand. And he was like, oh, why not? Well, for the record, I checked out Toblowski's IMDB page. and I'm thinking about asking the dude for a hand job because it doesn't look like he's ever turned anyone down for anything But no, he was he was even a pedophile on glee so oh right I'm pretty much he was he was just on at midnight and he was such a cool dude But like it was so funny because we had the idea to like bring him on for groundhog day

And then of course like he was free Yeah, so it just supports the thing that your theory that like he's down for whatever. Right. Oh, you got to get Bill Murray to punch him in the face at some point too. Awesome. Yeah, I would have saved this movie too. Yeah, no, I music, no, by the way, here are the elves are up against the clock.

A lot of very cartoony music going on. So now they're having a meeting with the boss comes in and tells them that the what the info Marshall King is coming there today. It's an advertising agency and he's gonna go through them to sell his cure for baldness. This is a major subplot that Doesn't really need to be in the movie but is also I just want to point, there's a moment where they're talking back and forth in this scene and the actor Ned Ryerson, what, Steve and something? To Blaski.

To Blaski is holding perfectly still. He literally holds perfectly still in that meeting because that actor was like, I don't have a line right now. All the lines are going on are insane. I bet if I hold perfectly still like a statue, no one will remember I'm in this movie because people's eyes are based on movement insane. I bet if I hold perfectly still like a statue, no one will remember I'm in this movie because people's eyes are based on movement like rhinos. Also, in this in this meeting everyone in the room is from a different era and race. There are like

identical twins in matching sweaters. There's a guy in a monocle. There's like an old Victorian woman blowing a dog. It's just nothing in this movie makes sense. I was like, oh, I'm on acid. TV's off. Yeah, no, it looks like they just wandered into like a Brooklyn coffee shop. Because all of a sudden, everyone is like the most hip-story, weirdo in the world. And they all work in this random thing under this captain. And the reason that we see this is because these fucking people, this shot is moving back and forth from like person talking to

audience person talking to somebody else in the audience so fast that it could trigger a goddamn epileptic seizure fucking editing in this movie was it was it was we were strobe editing at this point right and by the way by the way the the reason this guy's dressed like a captain is because the ad agency they work at is called maritime advertising. And they're acting like the same thing. Oh, I thought he was just crazy. Yeah, well, it is. Also that, yeah, they're acting like it's maritime law or something. And also that they don't understand what maritime law means.

I mean, I'm pretty sure maritime lawyers don't have to wear actual stats all the time. Did anyone else think that the Mr. Dabona guy looked like classy guy Fieri like with that you'd go see the bleached hair Like if he had some hair gel in like and gained 40 pounds like he would be guy Fieri. I had my Hipster Corey Feldman, so yeah, that's pretty much the same thing. I had in my notes. He looks like guy Fieri's cool dad Like guy Fieri gets the house to himself cuz his dad's always away and he's like, yeah, whatever you want to go to his diner No man, I don't. Where's your dad? He's fucking his 18 year old girlfriend. It's it's not great Yeah, it's not great guys. Who wants shots with breakfast? Guy are you okay? No

They said such mean things in the New York Times review Don't come into my restaurant. And of course, since it's been four and a half minutes, since the last Christian Mingle commercial, we get another one at nine minutes. Yeah, this is the second Christian Mingle commercial inside this Christian Mingle commercial. If you're keeping nine minutes in.

Yeah, that means that of the dialogue, I would say something between 10% and 20% of the spoken words All this movie are now Christian Mingle commercials inside of Christian Yeah, it's like a Pokemon that can only say its own name Christian Use don't allow the game So she she goes on this is the scene we were talking about earlier, where she goes on Christian Mangle and she signs up and I love that there's a moment where she's signing up and there's

a question about like how often do you go to church and I just wrote in my notes, ah, lots of Matthew in here, lots of going into your closet and praying on this website. I see if you listed on your profiles, how Jesus are you, really? And we also have this moment where she just can't get her selfie right. Is that a real problem for this actress? Not a problem for this. You could take a photo from below while she was taking a shit

and I'd be like, yes, click send her a wink. Right, and then she ended up using that old photo with bangs and a headband as if that's like bed. Like, she just looks, I don't know, what that she thought like herself, he was like too slutty. So I had to go with this weird prude one. Well, she was like, oh, that picture's like 10 years old.

And I was like, when you were 10, what did you do? Exactly. I mean, it is Christian Mingle, guys. She's going for the right people. Oh, God. Also, she goes and picks up. This is where she goes and picks up Christianity for dummies. And I just wrote my notes. That's redundant. Yeah, I wrote the same thing. Christian for dummies. Okay, all Christianity. Bwawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawaw brushing up on Christianity? You can do anything you want if you tell Jesus

you're super sorry and gays don't get to eat cake. That's all you need to know. It's really that easy. Well, that's a huge part of this movie is like, you said you were Christian, but you're not, but you are. You are Christian, but not you're totally Christian. There's absolutely no test or requirement to be Christian.

And throughout this movie, they don't know what that is. So they just keep going, well, like you said that you were really Christian, and now you're more than less on the scale. That's what I found so crazy about this movie is you'd think that Christianity, like they have these other sub-themes about like, everyone's welcome, which of course we know is not true, but then anytime she's like, yeah, I'm kind of exploring it I'm trying to see how I feel people like no

Get them out like you either are a liar. You're not Yes, like you're a liar. You said you 100% believed our magic book get the fuck out of Mexico How dare you think for yourself and question anything like oh my god. Oh, we'll get onto that. All right. So she now goes to finally, and again, we didn't see her meet him online. We didn't see them chat. We're just at their first date. Yeah. Like I said, this movie was in such a fucking, this movie was in more of a hurry to be over than I was in, than I was for it to be over. But yeah, then we, we cut to her in her Christian bow at the diner. And the, then we cut to her under Christian bow at the diner.

And the first thing we learned about this guy, by the way, is that he calls his dad Papa on blind dates. Which could not be a stronger warning signal that you're gonna end up tied in a basement. Come on people. Right, you should have to wear a helmet in public, yeah. And the dialogue in this scene is absolutely so painful. I have had more comfortable conversations walking my dad through anal sex with me. That's not terrible.

The dialogue. All right, you move, I'll stay. You move, I'll stay. You move, I'll stay. Just push. It'll go in you just got to trust it Spout me. I'm so glad you elaborated. I didn't want to leave anything to the imagination on that one Yes, I lost one IQ point every time we switched speakers in this conversation. It was so bad. Oh, yeah I mean he tries to compliment her. He's like oh, uh, I like it. You've got spunk. I just wrote down. Yes She's gonna've got spunk I just wrote down yes she's gonna get his spunk what I'm what what what the linger on that line she says spunk that's a little Brady bunch isn't it and I'm like no it means it means it's you guys no offense you should leave you have mace this cute how we're meeting right also

there's a moment where he goes do you want something to drink this how stupidly written this fucking easy goes do you want something to drink this? Stupidly written this fucking movie is he goes do you want something to drink like a cookie and no one in the fucking writers room went Hey, by the way, Dave cookie's not something to drink nobody did that To which she responds no, I don't want a cookie and he goes have a cookie and I'm like great. This is Christian You like this fucking cookie. Oh, you'll eat the cookie Timothy to choose this you'll eat this fucking cookie. Oh, you eat the cookie Timothy to see you like this fucking cookie and And this is of course our first scene of she just can't say grace right

Yes, the way we know that she's not Christian enough is that she doesn't know how to talk to her invisible friend in the right way She doesn't know the magic spell correctly Yeah, yeah, no, and then he's just looking at her like, well, that's not how you properly cow-tow before the invincible sky wizard lady. Come on. Idiot. Also music goes for the scene. Oh, the kids are trying to get their ball back.

I had silly coyote that contraption will never work. So. Also, one last note on this scene, because it drove me up the wall and it continues throughout the movie her name is Gwyneth the shortening of Gwyneth is fucking Gwen. Yes, it's never Gwynny. It's never unless you have someone at the bottom of a pit in your basement. Gwyneth is never shortened to Gwynny. Right though it was weird earlier on that first date Mr. Wrong when he's like, all right, Gwyneth, she's like, it's Gwen or Gwyneth as if he forgot the name. It's like, that's clearly just a dumb nickname. Like it's

it but it is weird that everyone goes to that right away. Everyone, everyone in this movie is like, your name's Gwyneth. No one sticks with Gwyneth. Everyone's like, Gwynny, because it turns out all women at this movie is so terrible towards women. All the women in this movie have their name shortened to Bing-Bing everyone is Kelly or Bonnie or goofy or squeaky no one can have a people name because they're pro And then we cut back to her at work talking to sassy black friend and we just cut we cut by the way her at work talking to sassy black friend and we just cut we cut by the way midline like midline of dialogue suddenly we're in another god damn scene so uh and and this is where her uh her black friend is telling her for the first of many times that she's not Christian enough

for Christian mingle now she argues she says well I believe in god and stuff and and and isn't that it she well, no, I think we all know that's not, no. Right, and I love that they have this great little plug for the website in there. She's like, listen, Christian Mingle is not like those other websites. And I was like, great, commercial, wonderful. Just get a little, yeah. Also, I think it's weird that she's even like,

but I liked him. It's like, we saw the date. We saw it go badly. You can't rely you on us. And be like, it was fun. Like It's like, they're whole, we saw the date. We saw it go badly. You can't rely you us and be like, it was fun. Like, no, we watched it. It hurt me. It's like in a brutal. So yeah, yeah, they certainly didn't seem to know

that they were supposed to be chemistry. Right. They literally spoke out loud. Both of them were like, this is weird. Like, yeah, this is really weird. That was them going off script. That was like, they cut, that's why they had to cut in the middle of the line because they turned to the director and they were like, really?

Guys, I was in Mean Girls, like anybody. I can get you a nine-year-old to write better lines than this. It's okay, we got it. Shut the cake. Don't worry. Go back to your trailer. Also, this is when Burn victim Richard Branson comes in, the infomercial guy. And he basically, so she works, she's like a major account holder

at this advertising firm. And he's like, so what do you do here? And she's like, and instead of being like, oh, I manage account, she's like, I take things and I mix them in a bowl. And then I don't know anything about advertising. We should rent something here, right? There were supposed to be lines on this part of the script. Yeah, it's crazy that a movie that's just an ad knows so little about advertising.

Right. And she said, he says, you don't believe that I can grow hair. And she's like, not really. And he's like, don't worry. I have two 8x10s to show you that are my proof. Yes. Him when he is bald and him when he has hair. Yeah. That's his proof. I mean, at least he has proof.

I mean, Christianity so far is zero. So. Right. And I love that. This movie's super skeptical about baldness, Cures, but not about an invisible wizard in the sky who will burn you to death if you don't love him, right? I don't know about this baldness cures but not about an invisible wizard in the sky who will burn you to death if you don't love him right. I don't know about this baldness stuff. Let's call Randy.

No, no, no, it's fine. I believe in a guy nailed himself to a cross and then unstuck himself and came back three days later. It's fine. Yeah. I'm on board. No, that makes sense. No, and it seems so weird because I don't think that they realized that they were drawing

a parallel between Christianity and late-night snake oil, but clearly they were the whole time because that's like, you know, she's just, you'll just be skeptical of that and skeptical of Christianity in, in back-to-back lines. So, um, then of course we cut to date number two. Again, we don't, you know, no warning, bam, we're at date number two. Uh, and I think this one is at a sushi strip club of some sort. Yeah, it's they go to the strip club and the entire point of this scene for us is for us to see that somehow it's likable for him to have never tried sushi and to be disgusted by it. Right. Yeah. He's vomiting his mouth for a very gentleman. That's what this movie hits home nine times in a row.

This movie, I feel like this scene was some kid's make-a-wish was, I wanna write a scene in a Christian movie. So they let some six-year-old write a scene where he was like, you know what's gross? Sooshie, and you can't even chew it. He's like, because it's yucky gross fishy fish.

Like did a Japanese person watch this movie? I'm just wondering if a Japanese person watched this movie and was like, well, that's weird. Because you wouldn't do this with another nation's food. You wouldn't like, they wouldn't go to like a lotka house and he'd be like, oh, I don't know if I can put potatoes in my mouth. Clue.

How do they eat this? Is this still alive? No, it's just, it's really good actually. You just gotta learn, I'm more of a chilly cheese dad guy. Oh, so you're gonna die of heart you think the Christians would be really into fish I mean isn't Jesus that's his whole thing he's the fish Multiply in the fish and what not he was a sushi guy I know what what what drove me nuts about this fucking scene though is they the only thing that I got from this is

Oh my god This is gonna be the most boring sex any human being has ever had. This guy won't even eat sushi. He won't even go down on chopsticks. Yeah. You fucking get me. And then of course, he doesn't want to swallow and then he makes a joke about rather having a weener. So this movie was just gift wrapping oral sex jokes for me.

Exactly. Also, music note, Disney movies right before they stopped being racist, because the entire music in this sushi restaurant is like, Pong Quing Chow, pancake, I was like, ooh, little much, little much for a 1940s cartoon. I feel like Disney would have been like, we'll peel that back a little. Also, I funneled money to the Nazis, just so everyone knows that.

Just a little bit. It froze my head. It's waking me up when the Jews are gone. All right. I also like that in the scene he doubles down on the poppa stuff. Like that wasn't a slip. Like he's like, so anyway, poppa, poppa, mama, he's like, oh no. Again, the worst sex that you will ever have. The Eli Bosnick story. Yeah, you can just imagine that night, like you smell like mama. Like what? All right, back to doggy style.

Wolfbreak eye contact. Oh my god, it's time for the next scene. Hurry. So now we're going to go to the next scene. Sorry, I'm trying to give you, trying to give you the lived and experience if you didn't suffer through this movie yourself. And now they're going,, she's gonna go to, well, first we're gonna get a Bible studying montage

in advance of her going to Bible study with him for their, I guess, third date. Yeah, and these people are terrifying at the Bible study. They're gonna commit suicide together at the next full moon or something. That's the main thing. Oh, there's no question. Yeah, absolutely.

This is a 100% cult because when he introduces her to the pregnant woman and this is real, this is 100% the actual line for them. He goes, this is so and so and so and so. I can't learn these people's names, but he goes, this is so and so and so and so. They're having a baby and the actress goes, my belly. Honestly, if you told me that character was retarded and like no one had noticed because having a baby and the actress goes, my belly! I'm not gonna do that. Honestly, if you told me that character was retarded and like, no one had noticed

because it's just a Christian family and women never need to talk. Like, those are the only words she learned like they turned to her later and they were like, what do you think of Luke 316? Ammo Quacko. All right, great. I'm gonna see you when it's time to poop out a kid.

I really thought for a second, when they opened the door and it was just all the different couples side by side, it was going to be like, all right now everybody put your keys in the bowl. And they're like somehow she was going to be like, oh no, no, and then she'd be like, boy, some guys aren't as Christian as I thought. And then it would reset, but you you prayed to you prayed in vain now. Yeah, also I want to point out this is where we meet Kelly who's gonna matter kind of sorta

Kelly and him went to summer camp together and they have this absolutely fucking insane moment where he goes He goes man. I could tell you this from stories from summer camp and Kelly goes Mm-mm and she gives him a look and I was like She her facial expression to him is like they killed a gay kid at camp and buried him in the woods It's not like skinny dipping It's like they're the green river killer They killed Ming Lee who's that guy that the guy from cereal killed they they did it Yeah, hey, Ming Lee that's the facial expression she gives him. I told you to scrape your fingernails.

That's the facial expression. Well, also, and this is the next time we get her, not Christian enough faux pas, because she says one of the 97% of the verses in the Bible that Christians would rather forget about. What a faux pas. And everyone's like, that's not the right part of a Bible. That's the part that God wrote when he was feeling grumpy.

Don't worry about it. That's fine. Here, use this part of a part of a part. Yeah. Check out the book of Timothy. Probably just go shut up and help in the kitchen. Yeah, perfect. Also, I just wanted to point out that the female couple that isn't pregnant

looks exactly like Matt Lucas from Little Britain when he dresses up as a woman to the extent that I paused it and went on IMDB and I was like, did they sneak Matt Lucas into this movie? Is this like a weird in movie movie joke? But no, it's not. Yeah, well, yeah, there was nothing, there were no jokes. There was no clever Also music note for this Bible montage. Let's have sex in the bathroom of the church Okay, and I have to point this out. I shit you not this is an actual honest truth thing My cat was sitting next to me as I was watching this movie on my laptop and the edit moved so fast It's scared my cat. I'm watching this on a small YouTube screen half

of a fucking window YouTube screen and the visual continuity from scene to scene was bothering me. There's like I'm watching this on a three and a half inch screen and the visual continuity was bothering me. You cannot imagine how bad the editing in this movie is without watching it. I actually the editing at this point sort of like made me smile a little bit just because immediately I was like oh like I could get into the editor's head of like it was the night before like they're like fuck it's almost midnight like I would have done and I was like oh this is like I relate to this guy. This is how all my sons, if you look at it like that.

This is how all of my papers in college were written. Exactly. Anyway, it's enough about the Native Americans. The pirus is a plant kind of sorted. You squeeze it. Oh, God. I felt, I had a flu. Also, I do want to mention that we eat bald

Bicycle helper mechanic guy in this scene no real reason he doesn't matter But he's gonna come back later so and he's wearing a lovely crucifix from K. Jouler So we know he's a Christian exactly yeah apparently no men can wear crucifixes that are masculine in any of these movies They all need to wear like Liberace's second hand me down. You want this? It's a little too preachy. Sure, I'll take it on you. So then we have her on the phone or no, I'm sorry. We cut it's so hard to keep track of this because each scene is like 11 seconds long and then they switch backgrounds in the scene and stuff for no reason. So I guess now we're on another date with these guys,

and we're trying to, you know, she's like asking about Callie, the girl that he was, I don't know, bitch-roathed to or whatever. At summer camp, yeah. Yeah. By the way, I thought they went to Hooters for a second when I first saw the sign on the, it's it, but it's actually Footers, the hot dog restaurant.

Right next to the hair cutters. That was really really made me smile. I wrote that in my notes as well. They pass a barber shop that is called the hair cutters. It's phenomenal. Awesome. Now we're walking damn it. So we're still in the same conversation, but now the scene is changed and they're walking together and he tells the most bizarre fucking story in the world about his dad Finding Jesus in a grilled cheese sandwich. This is legitimately the story He's like, all right, listen my dad did a shit ton of drugs in the 60s But then he did the wrong kind of acid and he was wandering around on a beach and knowing that he'd help him.

So he took a piece of wood that he found home and carved it into Jesus and ever since then he's been a Christian. And instead of her going, that's fucking crazy. She's like, how sweet! That's supposed to be an inspiring story someone's psychotic breakdown. I wanted his mom's story to be like, well, mom was a methodic in the 60s, right? She would just speed dog and speed dog in one day. She was behind the glory hole at a 7-Eleven when there was an earthquake and everyone was killed except for her. And when she got out, she became a Christian sleep, huh?

And I gotta say, this was the most bizarre Christian origin story that you ever heard up until he explains how he had his Jesus in a driftwood Moment which is what they actually call it in the movie which had something to do with torturing rats and Realizing that Jesus was just like cheese. Yeah, Jesus is like cheese and God is like the asshole that puts everyone in a fucking hedge maze So yeah, the Christian it's awesome He's telling that terrible story and she's like yeah, I'm fascinated by this rats and cheese story You're doing but we this is my please continue though before I go in I'm fascinated his third serial killer warning sign Like oh, yeah cruelty to animals. Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, He's like, yeah, I thought that the rats who I I refuse to let sleep and then I forced to listen to heavy metal all the time

Would do better. It's like that's literally a technique. They use it guantanamo That's how we pretended not to shoot first at wake up like come on We're gonna see if those rats were gonna come out on their own Right exactly so and by the way I'm guessing that the reason why because it made no sense in the movie for them to have to stop and that to be her place or whatever, I'm guessing they only have like 18 feet of track for the camera. We're not moving this shit guys, these guys are union, it's gonna take forever, so just

stop right there. But then of course we get the whole, he's a gentleman because he doesn't want to come in and fuckers seeing where as they are want to do in Christian movies they kiss by pushing their lips against each other again. Well swallowing back vomit yeah. Yeah Christian movie bingo everyone kissing looks like a child pressed two Barbie dolls together. It's like, I'm the mommy and you're the daddy. The whole kiss was so confusing because she's like, don't kiss me and he's like, all right, I won't. And then she's like, oh, okay.

And then he does and she's like, meanie, it's like, wait. I'm so confused. Like, is this like, yeah, consensus dumb. It's all a game. Women don't know what they want. Thank you. I've got a passage from return of kings dot com to read it she'll see open that up

i'm meeting got canceled on saturday so now i can go well that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that scene was someone is wearing a ponytail and a non-traditional direction and everything smells like bubble gum even though there's no bubble gum. I don't know if that pictures if you if you picture the same type of music to that as I do. No I'd be exact same note. I was copying off a year work. So now we're shopping with the friends that we vaguely met at the beginning of the movie and you know she's trying to pick out something that's churchy, that she can go to church.

And her friend says, you're not going back to 1950. You're going back to church. So think 1250. I think I like it. Right. 1250. Exactly. Also, they then go on to, they're basically,

my music note for this is Taylor Swift through this song in the garbage and I found it This is the first time by the way I wrote in my notes 60 more minutes in this movie How was it usually get hour and 13 minutes? How was there still 16 minutes at this point? Shit, yeah, that was just 13 minutes y'all. Sorry, but again because she's not a Christian She doesn't know how people dress on the way to church because apparently being a Christian makes you a god damn Martian. She never saw a movie. She said she's been to church before. Are we supposed to believe she never looked around and was like, oh, looks like everyone's dressed pretty normally.

I guess they don't need to dress like a nun. It's casual, okay. From a BBC timepiece. That's it. I liked they had a pretty good Meryl Streep disson there, which I was like, oh man, it was like the one real moment of like, of a little bit of edge. I was like, her friends are fucking cool. I was kind of mad about this, though,

but like fuck you, Christian. Meryl Streep is beautiful, whatever. She might not have the acting chops of Morgan Fairchild, but she's not bad. She just got turned down for a Sophie's choice remake, so it was all her ass. She's like, you know what we should say? We should say how ugly Meryl Streep is, because I tried out for being Julia and like, she told me that I should drown myself. And that was a hard acting note for me.

It was Hudson Morgan, Farad Childs, writers. There's always got to be a Merrill Street disc and every movie. So now we cut to the church, but take it in quick, Damit, because we've got other scenes to get to. And so we basically we see the church, but it's always see as the end of the service where him and his family want her to join them for steak and cake. Steak and cake.

This movie is filled with nightmarish foods. If you take four doses of night well before bed, the dreams you'll have are what all the restaurants in this movie are. Steak and cake. How about Girl Scout cookies and we almost drown you how about dog food and cheese whiz it's just like again if this movie were written by an alien who got a B minus it would make sense this guy Paul should be like 400 pounds in diabetic he we've only seen him eat cookies like cookies and hot dogs

like at the French house yeah cake I mean it's like like cookies and hot dogs, like at the friends house. Yeah, cake. I mean, it's like, wait a spoyle this equal. Christian Mingle, too. Jesus took my foot. It's in a better place, you lie. Jesus raptured my foot more like it. And apparently, yes, this is the restaurant. They just serve you a gigantic fucking cake and a big platter with like nine cakes on it.

They're literally passing around an entire cake and a huge box on every table, like a cup. Yeah, and a wedding cake on every table. That's the theme of this restaurant. It's crazy. Oh, and if you didn't get enough of her not being able to say grace, right? Strap on it, because we did it again.

And again, like, okay, so here's how she fucks out. She basically forgets to say Simon says, at the end of her mom, carbling fucking thing, she says, amen, and somebody correct her, in Jesus' name, amen. Oh, yes, of course, I meant to say, fuck you, yes, God. Yeah, exactly.

She missed out on a real opportunity though, because if she hadn't said in Jesus's name Everyone would have been frozen like freeze tag. She could have moved them around and fuck them and stuff like those Japanese Pornos like I'm just saying opportunity Holy cake There's this moment during her like failed grace. I guess she goes I don't even know which to eat first the steak or the kick well I mean it's the steak

Well, you that's not okay. That's the only thing that makes sense about this restaurant is that you know You would eat the steak first and the cake everything else is crazy. I'm sorry. I'm not religious. What is this three-timed metal thing? Is this for my butt? No, that's a Ford. All right. I'm not a Christian. I'm glad I didn't know We don't we don't know about those things also get, and this is pivotal to the plot now, I guess, we get some talk about this mission trip that the whole family is going on to fix a bell at a church in Mexico. Right. This is this will make two back-to-back bell move.

He's right. Right. Also, just want to throw this out there. He is not told her that he is about to go to the she is the person making the mistake right in the mute cute Sort of romantic comedy she made the mistake by lying and saying she was more Christian It is not a mistake for him to go to Mexico for a month without telling her right? Oh Without telling her right Apparently not she finds out that oh, yes, I'm going to Mexico for a month and I had not told you I'm leaving tomorrow

Tells her I'm leaving tomorrow and nobody in this movie goes. Yeah, that's kind of a dick move At any point also another note they've gone down They explain that this town in Mexico which we're going to get to, because it's the most racist thing. Donald Trump would have been like, that's a little much guy. That's the way you portrayed that town in Mexico, the little much. It looks like a speedy Gonzalez cartoon, absolutely. They're going down to this town in Mexico that's been hit by a hurricane to repair the church and fix the bell. Not to give people food no not to give people water

No, repair the church and fix the bell. That's what matters. They got their priorities straight And by the way, this is like we the dad character has had like six lines in this movie to this point and every one of them has been Like a rhyming phrase of four words or less, You know, he says, let's stake in cake at something about pistols and whizz, whatever the fuck it is. But it was like, it was one of the more... Dordard Dordard, nothing more, whatever it is. Yeah, it's the bell or go to hell.

Right. Exactly. Also, when the dad said his little rhyming, like Johnny Conchran thing for the second time, this when my fiance went that's a broken person got up left the room didn't watch any more of the movie That's a broken person she was gone no more movie for her So now we cut to him talking to his mom on the phone And this is Morgan Fairchild And he's mom's basically like so yeah it

would have been good for you to tell her that and he was like well I was gonna tell her but I wanted to find the right time to tell her I was leaving for a month tomorrow and then the mom's instead of being like well that's a really shitty thing to do to your kind of sort of girlfriend now she goes I don't know I think there's something off about her. She doesn't smell Christian enough. Yeah, I'm gonna smell the pagan on her. Yeah they also say like you're just blinded by love. Like a girl he just met.

He's known her for like 20 minutes. None of this makes sense. No and it never does. There were supposed to be believing that these characters are in love this entire time. There's no chemistry, and they don't even put them through anything on screen that would, you know, hint that they like each other. So yeah, yeah, and by the way, I want to point this out to you because I watched this on YouTube, uploaded probably not exactly legally, whatever.

But the person had cut the commercials out who uploaded it and the cuts for the commercials were not the worst edits in this film i don't mean a hard bonnet this much like i said if you saw the movie you were probably saying a whole time oh i can't wait to hear i'm talking about how this fucking thing was edited but i swear it's that god damn bad so yeah so um he he mom senses that she's hiding something and he thinks she's awesome. But meanwhile, back with sassy black work friend, because we haven't had an edit in eight seconds. Right, where it appears she's entirely over him. She's like, well, I'm gonna get a dog. He's gone. He's leaving for a month and I'm not answering his calls. And I was like, end of movie? Yes, I was so happy for her.

I was like, yes, the story is about this woman who clearly has emotional problems, like finding out that, you know what, she doesn't need to be with some fucking little, I don't know, piece of paper man. Like, she can get a dog and find happiness, and then no, it immediately goes back. Right, right, no, we don't get very long to live in that world.

Because in right way, she's saying like, but I don't know, everyone there seems so happy. Like, at an opium den or in a cult, you know? It's like that. But this is where Tom Cruise's face when he's just gotten a whole bunch of nice and it was like that. It was just like that.

I don't know, it seems nice. I wanna jump up and down on a couch. Yeah. You get it, Oprah. Don't call me Oprah. So this is where Sammy Jenkins cuts in as well. Apparently, okay, so in the world of this movie, this infomercial guy shows up at their thing, and then they're like, hey, we're going gonna do the advertising for him. And now the boss just shows up like three seconds with three seconds notice and says, he wants some ideas, he just showed up all of a sudden and out of nowhere and wants us to give him ideas. And like, first of all, you've known about this for a while and secondly, this isn't how anything works.

Do you really think that that's how it works in the, is that what these, the people write in this movie think is that your boss just walks into the fucking room and says okay you have three seconds to come up with some great ideas if you fuck this up your fire yeah there's no check-ins before that for this giant advertising account where they were like you got stuff right you're not just gonna talk about putting a gun in your mouth you're crazy you know this was the worst episode of Matt Men ever. Right. And we cut to what is totally the most painful scene in this film. This is where they were like, hey, you know who can vamp that girl from Mean Girls.

Did you do that thing about stop trying to make fetch work? I totally did. She spends, now guys, I don't know, I didn't keep track of the time. I think anywhere between nine and 24 hours going Baldness is like a bullet put a bullet in your head I made a poop warms We blame God This pill is a gift from God and then she pours all the pills over Ned Ryerson's face.

Fun fact, if you look at his face while that's happening, you can see the pain of the actor, not the Karen, or the thing. He's like, God damn, I was in Groundhog Day. I thought I was gonna be- He's texting his agent under the table below the line of the camera like what the fuck is this? Yeah, she just babbles. It honestly feels like she's having a stroke. You're like, is she okay? Yeah, right, right. Her nose starts to bleed.

Totally cruel. Right, well, and okay, so just to make sure that everyone followed that that Eli wasn't just making shit up to explain how silly this is. Her first idea, she says, we could put the pills in a little gun and you could shoot yourself in the mouth with it. That was her first idea. And the second idea is, who do you blame for your baldness?

God. So we'll do an advertising campaign about how it's a gift from God. That's literally what they came up with for her bad ideas. Also, music note, a little mouse is walking several steps behind a big mouse, but on every third step they hop. Yeah, that's by the way, did we find out that the ad guy, the, the, the, Bonagot J.

Peterman from Seinfeld, by the way, I couldn't get past that. That's J. Peterman from Seinfeld. Yeah, the mistorned. Die of baldness. I couldn't hear that part. I need to get like, YouTube prime or whatever, but is that what happened? It's very funny. It's hilarious. He's like my mom was bold. Bold is an egg. Never made it. And you're like, wait, what? That is what I just made that up. Okay. Say said I could make up one line in the movie. I chose now. Now it's where I was.

There are so many throwaway lines where you're like, no, I want to see that movie. Switch to that. It's like minor characters walking by in the background. Let's hear about her story, guys, huh? So she bombs at the meeting and then goes to her office to soak. At which time I wrote in my notes, how is this only 36 minutes worth of over, but it was. And then, of course, this is where he calls her and now she's in the dump. So even though she hasn't been taking his calls, she does this time, I guess. Not only does she take his calls, but he's like, Hey, I'm sorry.

I didn't tell you about Mexico. You should come to Mexico. And she's like, you know what? Yes. Right. You should come to Mexico and she's like, you know what? Yes Did she check a map to decide if she could go to Mexico? Like she looks back. There's a map behind her like she what information did you just get? Mexico still like basically south Yes, I'm in all right. I'm in if that a real place or is that like heaven?

I mean, all right, I mean, is that a real place or is that like heaven? This is the last guy made up a place, so I'm gonna check that's why I bought this all right more Yugoslavia for me So she goes like he says you should come to Mexico. She goes why I swear he was gonna say because the IAT SE is on to us Can't stay in the States anymore, but it's that we're gonna be on a boat for the next three years get down here bring white sneakers and some lead zeppelin yeah so then uh... her boss comes into yell at her because she clearly is terrible at her fucking job

and i guess that's what pushes her over the edge and makes her decide to go to Mexico. Because look, being about to be fired, the best thing you can do is take a long unexplained vacation. For no reason over a guy you dated three times that's in a cult. So while we try desperately to figure out what the fuck we just saw, we'll take a quick break. But before we do, let me give Act 3 the hard sell here. Will Gwyneth get her love life straightened out? Will they ever explain why Sammy Jankus is dressed like a cruise ship captain? What the fuck were these people thinking?

Find out the answers to some of these questions and more during the excite list conclusion of Christian Mingle. Have you never heard of Prayer before? Do you not know how to do magic spells good? Well, Tony D's back with another fantastic product for all characters of Christian movies to enjoy. Yes, it's Tony D's school of how to say grace right. Where you can turn this... Um, thank you, God, for this food which I'm gonna eat and... Shit, sorry, poop. Excrete? Say excrete.. Yay food didn't you? Into this our father who art in heaven. Thank you for this harvest and plenty in Jesus name

Fuck the Jews amen Using it family dinners birthday parties awkward lunches or anytime in my inconvenience others for you to take a moment to talk to your imaginary friend. Uh, one second, guys. I got to sit here in silence for a minute before anybody eats. Do you guys mind watching? Tony D's School of Grace. Start every meal with an uncomfortable silence. And the guards didn't break for coffee, so we're back. And now the the movies in Mexico and I just want to say appreciate the little things here. This is where we get this film's solitary establishing shot. Yeah, this is where they tried it. It was like this kid's experiment. He was like, oh, right, fine. We'll show the outside of the film. One time. But I have a theory it was just so that they could play more of the most racist music. Anyone's ever heard. Yeah, my music note here was just, we're raging bigots.

My music note was no wait. Now we're the most racist movie ever. Thought you had it in the Japanese restaurant. Birth of a nation look like a Yale student project. So, and also by the way, she looks very grossed out to be a touch to buy a Mexican. Well, yeah, he goes to take her bag and she's like, and get off me and he's like, no, no, no. Welcome to Mexico. And she's like, okay, here you go. Wait, she immediately thinks he's stealing for her.

She's like, so I just let him take my bags. It's like, yeah, babe. He's the guy that just drove you in from, he could have taken you anywhere, lady. Yeah, right. By the way, in Mexico, according to this movie, they don't have things like the industrial revolution or primary colors. Yes, we traveled not just to Mexico, but apparently back in time.

Yes, certainly. Yes. To when women wore blankets and men wore cowboys. And you're looking around this total shit hole women wore blankets and men wore cowboys. And you're looking around this total shit hole of a town. Everything's broken and destroyed. And I wrote in my notes, yeah, what these people need is a new church. Right. Right. Let's fix that bell.

Well, and that was what was so fucked up about this because in the background, you see all these starving people like African kids with the flies on their face, like you get in Mexico apparently and We're we're supposed to be looking at that and feeling bad for her because she didn't dress right right It's like she didn't wear the right outfit to do manual labor at all Hard They're all wearing the same culty t-shirt together at a roton I joined a cult and came to Mexico and all I got was this same culty t-shirt together. And I wrote down, I joined a cult and came to Mexico,

and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. The message of this movie very genuinely is, it's really hard to be a successful rich white woman trying to date the man of her dreams, especially when you're in Mexico where children are starving. That's like, oh, I'm supposed to feel that. The movie was like, do you feel this way? And I was like, like no movie I don't

And this is also where we learned that see she didn't go to Mexico for the right reasons She's on the phone with sassy black girl and we find out that she's not there to indoctrinate all those poor toothless Mexicans She's just there to drink alcoholic beverages and do the devil's limbo with that guy So as if he has ever tasted alcohol in his life. I mean, that guy, he's 12. He has never. He would be like, Mommy, can I have a sip of your beer?

And she'd be like, no, no. Like, the whole thing is so weird. No, no, when you have a sip of mommy's beer, she gets ramby and she comes into your room, she makes you touch her in a tickle spot. Oh, God. You say more your his care to make sense to the child. If you tell me Morgan Fairchild isn't that sick, you're a liar. Well, I do believe that they could hook up because in the movie, him and his mom are like

the same age. Yeah. More or less. Now, so this is where we also see the church and and again we're supposed to look at this church and say oh my god that bell is not up you know again we're not supposed to worry about all of the people who are sitting on their fucking porches so they don't like melt inside their homes it's just it's all about the bell and that of course brings us to campfire sing a long time

right where dad sits around a fire surrounded by dirty Dickensian Mexicans while he sings Jesus songs to them. Yeah. And I just wrote my notes. Nobody would like this. Christians wouldn't like this. It isn't Christianity, it's fucking psychopathic. I don't think that's definitely be the guitar guy at the Christian party, really creepy. Someone used their hair to wipe my feet with her tears. I wish you would step back from that Muslim friend. Well, and I love to her line here. She's watching everybody get into listening to dad play the guitar. And it really has this whole feeling of like he won't feed us unless we gather around

tonight, guys. guitar and it really has this whole feeling of like he won't feed us unless we gather around tonight guys But she says she says wow this Tim seems so this town seems so happy They don't seem to be like just Moping around in perpetual depression over a fucking storm that happened three years ago And the and of course the guy Paul. He's like well, it's they've got Jesus. It's it's the God thing That's the only explanation. Also, in this romantic comedy, it's a tiny moment, but I think it's incredibly important.

In this romantic comedy, she goes, I'm cold and he's like, yeah, yeah you are. There's no moment of like, that's what I mean, romantic comedy. She goes, I'm cold and then he gives her a jacket in this movie and she's like, I'm a little chilly and he's like, sure'm a little chilly. And he's like, sure.

It's cold out here. And it goes to the file. That'll probably help. You packed really badly. And now you have to live with that. Get a big red rug like everybody else. Yeah. Exactly.

Come on. And so you're in Mexico. That's what the Mexican is doing. They're selling him off the literal donkey we've already shown you. That's right. It's spelled. Yup. And then, of course, we get her waking up when the rooster grows and wouldn't you know it she overslept

In a room with a bunch of other people who apparently woke up and got dressed and got ready without her hearing them and Bounce and nickel off their bed before they fucking left. Yeah, who's right? Not a good endorsement for Christians when it's like they're dicks. They will not help you out That's their fault for not waking you up obviously she was going to over sleep turn around and be like oh she didn't wake up and instead they were like it's probably because she's not Chris explains my sleeping habits certainly oh by the way we also learn in this scene because she's trying to get dressed in a hurry and she accidentally tosses her Christianity for dummies book out onto the bed. So

When did she expect to use that? I don't know what you would reference. She was gonna hide inside a magazine during a conversation with someone So what do you think of Jesus? I'll tell you let me look at this time magazine. He was great Mexican Christianity for dummies. Perfect. Alright, so now we cut to indoctrination class with mom. And they're reading the Bible. Now, I want to point out that the line that they get, I think this is the first real Bible quote

we get in the movie. But the line here is all about how atheists cannot know love. Oh, well, it's anyone who does not love does not know God because God is love. Isn't that a fun totology? Yeah, great. But anyone who's not a true God is not a true God. Well, but also, but of course that verse turns around to anyone

who does not know God does not know love. So that's us, guys. That must be why we do this. And at this point, we get one of the worst stereotypes we've seen in all these movies. You get this little girl, Maria, of course. Of course. She's Mexican stereotype little girl, and she presents the problem of evil. Kepasa Conla, problem de evil.

Exactly. Morgan Fanchal is like, all right, maybe Gwene can answer the question and she can't really and that bitch Kelly answers in like broken Spanish English. Well, but then now here's the thing though. Okay, so the little girl speaks in Spanish and she's all I guess supposed to be embarrassed that she doesn't speak Spanish,

but everybody's translating it back into English as they're talking to, it's like watching C3PO translate in Jabba's palace. You know, they're not using the right languages as they go. And he looks much better than Morgan Fairchild, by the way. I didn't mean to impune Jabba's good looks there. Yeah, absolutely. Did anyone else catch the fact that it in this scene someone I couldn't tell who had said it but someone said get her done

Oh, yeah, yeah, absolutely also I want to point out that you ever notice when you listen to this show and you see me doing accent of someone who's not me You think man that's not a great accent the little Mexican girl, she outdoes me by about 10 fold. She's like, oh, me, the Kelly. You look at, she's the jar jar being some Christians in a month. The fucking nuts. Also, I love, they get out of the problem of evil by seeing it in Spanish. They're like, yes, yes.

Because they turn around, they're like, oh, you can't answer the problem of evil in a language. You don't speak. Well, then I guess we'll answer it. And I'm like answer it and i'm like no i want to hear your fucking answer and that's not important i look at something else right and okay so because two thousand years of christian theonys can't handle this problem doesn't mean that your sons kind of girlfriend shouldn't have an unlock so they seem so pissed that she doesn't have a ready Spanish answer for the problem of evil that now they know she's not really

Jesuser. The answer by the way is a double-minded man is unstable and always. Well, right. She she recommends first James 7 and 8 and because that's such a stupid fucking answer They put it in Spanish hoping we won't check, but yes From the King James for let not that man Think that he shall receive anything of the Lord a double-minded man is unstable in all ways that is that is their answer So I believe that trans like yes to God's a fucking dick. Yes God will put his penis where he wants his penis I think that's what they're saying Holy shit, it's so funny when we were just stop for a break just now I told I told he thinks like I can't let these movies get me so fucking worked up. I yell all my lines

10 seconds into it on that piss But anyway, she she realizes that her that she's been busted apparently. This is so agree just no real Christian wouldn't be able to answer the problem of evil in Spanish. So now she's just looking for a way out. And of course they do the Christian thing upon learning that she's not Christian enough by being horrible judgy bitches about this. Regardless of the fact that he lied to her like five minutes ago about the trip Yes, five minutes ago in the movie he was like oh, I'm leaving for a month and we were like What are you gonna do? But she's like I'm not quite as into this cult as you are and he's like you fucking or

To me like did she I don't know if she did really she did it. She did not listen if she's Jewish She lied right that's how this movie makes sense if her name is high mousky Mortem Marosenberg and she's like oh sure that Jesus fellow with the nails I give off I get it this movie makes sense But it doesn't she's just the wrong flavor of Oreo doesn't she's just the wrong flavor of Oreo. But the argument is crazy. First of all, it starts out, Paul goes, hey, can I talk to you for a minute? And she goes, yeah, we've been talking for a while

in the scene already, so that's weird. I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I just mean like, you know, take like a slow walk and talk next to this camera track. We'll just do it right here. And it's crazy. The argument that he's like, all right, well, Christianity is not for dummies you bitch

And she's like all right, well just relax. I don't think you're understanding the title correctly What says because of this horrible horrible rant about how this a negative spin on religion in the world in general Which is a well-established fact and yeah, I have never wanted to punch a monologue before but fuck this guy And at this point the movie I'm thinking to myself, like if she eviscerates him, if she like, you know, cooks his brain and makes him eat it like Hannibal Lecter or something, then I will love this fucking movie. Anything short of that is too good for this character.

Right. Right. And she is pleading with him. She's not even like, well, you know what? Fuck you back. Like she's like, really like you. But I like you so much. And I was just waiting for like her phone to ding and it to be Facebook back. She's like, I really like you. But I like you so much. And I was just waiting for her phone to ding and it to be Facebook and it'd be like,

Anne Marie is no longer engaged. And she's like, oh, never mind. Fuck this. It's not a contest anymore. It's a blind man. Go fuck yourself. Enjoy your cult. I'm going to swipe right on Tinder until I've got four black cocks in me Taniest black look me in my eyes look me in the eyes. I want you to tell this to pop pop for Simultaneous don't look away. Don't she got his face in her hand Oh Muslim also, I just want to point out right in the middle of this argument They have a little dialogue version of an ad for Christian Mingle. He's like you went on Christian mingle.com Great website free 30-day trials tried today

And she's like the website was so fantastic the guys were so different and it was so easy to sign up She practically turned into camera Like if you don't want me to buy in I'm not buying in in, but one of us has to be trying movie. One of us has to be trying. Well, it, too, it seemed like in the, within this world of this movie, he was confused because he'd been told his whole life that you can't be a good person if you're not Christian. So he seemed like genuinely surprised that he could like a person that didn't love Jesus Right, and she says maybe you can show me how to love Jesus You know that thing that they're super into showing people how to love Jesus and he's like, you know No, so yeah

She basically quit her job to go to Mexico and help build a fucking church for a religion She doesn't even believe in and then he breaks up with her for not loving Jesus correctly If she murders him with a dull Spoon this movie will satisfy me anything then let less than that it won't but now we're back states I was sassy black friend no more fucking Establishing shots for you guys you've got you've had plenty right also I rewound this 85 times her narration says I felt terrible But that's called grace and I was like wait what? 97 times I listened to that line and it was like that's not an English sentence. I felt terrible, but that's called which is the subject

Predicate, wrote oh Germanic or something that a character Is someone named to that? I was just gonna say immediately we find out that her friend has been lying for her so that she could keep her job. And I was so confused because she's like, thanks, girl, like thanks for lying for me. It's like we just had a whole thing about like liars are the worst. They're not Christian. And then it's like unless it's convenient.

Yeah, that's what it is. Now we have the throwing the Bible in the garbage montage and I just want to point out I'm pretty sure all the people who watched this movie had the opposite reaction of the Christians It was men who are which is when she threw the Bible out we were like yeah, and then when she went down it We were like no, no no leave it there Well, I will say though that really is a testament to how awesome Christians are if this was was a Muslim movie and she'd done that, the actress would be dead by now. That's true. Yeah, exactly.

Credit where credits do. Now what? The growing out books isn't really their style. They like to burn books. Yeah. Exactly. Really old ones. So now we're back with that randomly introduced bicycle repairman guy for a scene that doesn't

matter, but it gives us an excuse to sneak in another Christian mingle commercial christian mingle commercial living in the christian mingle commercial and the dialogue in this scene was the worst shit i've ever heard like like bad for the dialogue in this movie although the the commercial the the commercial itself that she watches the entire commercial and we watch her watch it it it was the best of the three i think it was you know it was like you know do you enjoy spin hugs

in a field of barley christian mingle that i like i was charmed i was charmed by it well i think what had happened is the first ones came early at four and a half and nine minutes by now we're just going like yeah you know what that's fine i fine. I will go with your Christian Mingle commercial. I will watch that 11 times in a row rather than the rest of this movie. I'll watch birth of a nation nine times in a row than the rest of this movie. At least what one had establishing shots.

Hey, that one invented establishing shots. Credit where credit is due. I feel like Lacey actually, she was pretty charming in this part. This whole scene, I felt like she was doing a lot of work and I liked her. I felt like I wanted to save her from this. You know, I'm like, no, no, like you've done enough. You go, you leave.

The movie doesn't need to keep going. Like, just do it. Chelsea, walk me through that conversation. I'm gonna be Lacey and just talk about this. Talk me through this. Help me out. I burst on to set. Oh my god. Who's this? Look Lacey you don't know me but... No I saw the Lena Dunham video. I thought it was great. Oh, anyway. Sorry I just

I love meeting fans. No I'm kidding. But just like Lacey you're better than this. So she'd be like no no no I deserve that like no you My age said this was good. It's a new market. I need to break in no just do any other commercial Any other commercial should I do should I do like porn Way step up. Yeah Dump them out Dump them out is my new catchphrase

That's how I'm gonna street harass people from now on double mouth Don't bum out. It's weirdly effective. Thank you Oh, not me. Okay. You're shit. I like that they're bulldozing. Bull. Yeah. All right.

Now we cut to her talking with her woefully uninterested boss who was apparently playing solitaire during their meeting. They don't explain this. He just is. He's playing solitaire during their meeting. She can't sell the pill. Like of all this bullshit that she's going through,

they like, she just can't, she's like, the pen is blue and fucking Jim Carrey movie. I can't, I know I'm a great liar and I always have been, but I can't lie about baldness. It's just too serious. And it's like, you are, by the end of this movie, you are going to lie to people about going to hell, but you can't tell people they'll grow hair if they take these pills right yeah that's

what i found so confusing because the whole thing seems to be like the the theory of the movie or the the premises you shouldn't have blind faith in dumb things you should have blind faith in other dumb things yeah right so we cut to her having another eye-roll Bible. I'm sorry before we get there There's a line that I cannot just brush by where she says to her boss. I've bought into the dung for too long Yeah, I've bought into the dung. I just I'm picturing her like stepping on a Lego in the middle of the night And I'm like well of all the mother being intimate bull number two who left this doing it in toy on this knowing one another in carpet. When I heard that line, I was like, there's some guy who got mad about that. Some guy was like, language, come on!

I am moving! I'm eating here! Oh! Get out training up a well-behaved child. We gotta beat the kids to death. Get out training up a well-behaved child. We got to beat the kids to death Can I make a quick music note here? Gwen's trying to figure out how to market the fake bald cure and Sounds kind of like Joe Pesci's about to get hit in the face with the paint can This is fucking hilarious This movie basically it's it's musical It's soundtrack basically went back and forth between

Cartoon music and shit that my 12-year-old niece sings along to in the back seat. Yeah Back and forth. So now we cut to um her going to Disco Church. Is she going to disco church? She goes to a cool church where everyone's welcome because the message of this movie is going to shift now to you know what? She is going to learn to be a good Christian and he had something to learn about Accepting other Christians in the way that they Christian, but I love she goes to this church that has a big science Everyone welcome and I wanted so badly for it to open the door and there's just another sign that says except for facts Welcome and I wanted so badly for it to open the door and there's just another sign that says except for facts like No, and all the people that the Bible says to murder so like a very small amount of people

We should change that front sign But I love the extent they went to on this in this scene to make sure that you knew that Every type of ethnicity they could think of was in this room. Yeah, yeah, this is a college brochure. Yeah, I wrote, she's really inspired by this incredibly diverse, acapella group slash church. And it's said in like an abandoned dance studio, like I'm so confused what this room is. Oh, God, who the fuck knows my music note for this scene, by the way, is you might not think it, but your dad can rock pretty hard. I gotta say, I actually, I literally stopped

at this point in the movie and listened to two great courses just to get back the intelligence I'd lost up to that point. I just wanted to make sure I broke even. By the way, Eli, check out John McWhorter. He's totally cool with how you pronounce nuclear. Good. And he's a linguist. Oh, good. See? I was right.

And all of you were wrong. That's really good. Check your George Bush. You guys were at it. Privilege. I can't say the word nuclear. Just say, you know, just like that. Oh, yeah, no.

I learned it. I slow it down like a kid sounding out reading to his parents. New clear. Everyone's always got to point it out. And now we're going to cut, well, I'm sorry, we're going to get another one of these Bible studying montages because God knows you need a couple of those.

And then we get back to her chatting with not Oprah about whether or not she has found her driftwood Jesus. Yeah, she says the truth at church felt really good It's like my driftwood Jesus You know you know from my opening voice over Drift with Jesus you listen Oh, I'm taking my check and then I'm burning all copies of this film It will be found exclusively in the part of a car wash where you're just waiting to pay. Which is where we first became aware of this by the way when people started sending us pictures of it from their car wash.

Yes, we did. Thank you, Daniel. And this is where a lady doesn't like to be called Oprah says to Gwen in it like you know Christian mingle.com like you should you should be taking this seriously first of all and it's about a three way with Jesus and you're not ready you're not ready for this sort of thing right well this is supposed to be the big reveal where she finds out that the sassy black lady was a Christian this whole time and I'm like well of course she's like the odds of any person in this country being Christian are 70% and it goes up if they're why would how is this a reveal? Yeah also she's talking about how not Christian she has throughout the entire film like no one's and also I just want to throw this out there I am super crazy Jewish and super crazy

atheists I could convince any Christian in the world in 45 seconds that I was a Christian you just widen your eyes and go, bless us all, once and that, when all the time God is good. All you need to know is one of their secret passwords and you're a fucking Christian. And then on this movie, ask like there's a secret code, like there's a decoder ring they hand out at your third time you go to church that isn't Christmas.

But obviously this woman was Christian because no one else would give a fuck about if you are Christian enough like if someone's like yeah, I signed up for Christian mingle But I'm not really Christian. I'd be like cool. Yes, game the system do it Yeah, great at the end of the scene she has this moment where she's like I want Jesus in my life She's like I can't hear you She's like I want it's like it's like when she you asked someone for anal It's like what do you want? It's like's like, I want you. It's like when you ask someone for anal, it's like, what do you want? It's like, oh yeah, I want you to put stuff in my butt.

There's a bottom to this drawer. Come on, it's not just for sobs, I was just kidding. Don't look in the drawer, it's going to overwhelm you. I'm going to spring things out slowly. I still wanted to talk. Do you think the director was like, this is our Jerry McGuire moment? Absolutely. Guys, this is the clip McGuire moment? Absolutely.

Guys, this is the clip they're going to show at the Oscars. Yeah. This is it. I want Jesus in my life. Like, yeah. Show me the money. I love black people. He thought I both have that exactly.

Yeah, exactly. And our notes. So then Paul calls are the jackass guy from old Mexico who does not deserve her consideration. But they have this, they get together for this weird conversation where she apologizes to him for him having a weird definition of Christianity. Yeah, also, this is the opening of their conversation. Hey Chelsea, will you re-enact this for me? Oh sure Yeah, knock knock. Hi, who's there?

heaven Oh, um come in heaven you missed me That's the beginning of their conversation and my notes say I will kill myself on air like fucking bud Dwyer I will kill myself on air like fucking Bud Dwyer. I will be a part of this. At this point, I'm writing in my notes. You know what smells good is carbon monoxide. I bet if I jerked off and hung myself at the same time, I'd get this done, but I'd go out like a champ, you know, Kung Fu style.

So yeah, they've walked into the back, I guess the fucking room in the church or whatever to have this conversation. But of course, mom and Kelly show up to cock block him there. Right. Yeah. And looks like Kelly and Paul are together now, possibly. Yeah, they're holding hands like they were just holding hands in a public bathroom together a minute ago. It's only been like a week. He changed his mind from telling her like, yeah, she's like my sister to be like, nah, I could fuck her in one week.

Ha ha ha. Listen, you spent enough time with someone in Mexico, you'll fuck your sister. Ha ha ha ha. I could always one of. Ha ha ha ha. Sisters. It is a Christian movie.

It's a gig go dougher style there. Now, and then we come from there, like she's, she's in bed texting him, but before you can write that in your notes, she's up and we're on to some other scene about him not being Christian enough for him now. I don't know. She goes to have the what happened to us talk. And maybe this is just a personal thing, but she's doing the like, why do we break up? And I just had my notes, I notes like oh man I've done this to so many women I feel really bad just like I just want to know like so that in the future I can be better like that fake I'm so I fixed myself so please tell me everything that was yeah I'm the worst

I'm the worst don't worry I had to promise my wife that I wouldn't do that before she would date me. So yeah and like I had my notes on this because they're talking and it just doesn't make any fucking sense. I wrote those like these are just random words while people make emotion faces and at the end of this scene I shit you not he clearly forgets his line tries to get it back forgets it again, and then just gets up and walks off fucking screen. And they kept that in the movie.

I just, she keeps telling him she says this whole thing about like, like, Paul, why do you play it safe? It's like, because I'm sure Papa will like hit him with a stick if he doesn't. Right. That's the list of them. Also she has this whole thing about like, don't you hate it when you feel like your whole life has been just already laid out for you? I haven't. I haven't. I haven't. I haven't. I haven't. I haven't. I haven't.

I haven't. I haven't. I haven't. I haven't. I haven't. I haven't. I haven't. I haven't.

I haven't. I haven't. I haven't. I haven't. I haven't. I haven't. I haven't. I haven't.

I haven't. I haven't. I haven't. I haven't.'s some parent figure or some sort. Yeah, yeah, but no, he just, he's just not gonna take it. And this is where he really has that whole, like she's like, well, can't you help me be a better Christian? He's like, nope, I'm fucking Kelly, sorry. Yeah. Hate this fucking guy. Also, Chelsea, you have my favorite note

of all of our notes here, which is your final note for this scene. When he says, no, I need to go and I'll pray for you. Oh yeah well two things one that I think that is the meanest thing that you can say someone like if you were like fuck your mother and I hope you die. That's way better than I'll pray for you. It's just like. Amen. for you. It's just like, oh no. Right as he said that I just want to start closing your eyes and just start a fire with her mind. It's my favorite note. I said for a 25 minutes just staring at it occasionally. If I want that movie so badly, crazy billionaire money,

fire starting with Christian Mingle money. Yeah, carry rage on them, absolutely. badly crazy billionaire money that's starting to be just being a big ol' money carry rage on them absolutely so and also by the way we get all i'm sorry there was a second establishing shot here because we get this rain shot and and before they cut inside i'm right now it's like please let her be doing a puzzle please let her be doing a puzzle but now this movie gives me nothing she is yelling it god so it is a

officially a christian movie now she's cold and like crying and shuddering in the dark Because she's the wrong kind of Christian and in the background. There's literally watch the scene There's literally ghost child laughter It's the most crazy movie the scene in this movie She's literally like couldn't be Christian and in the background it's like seen in this movie. She's literally like, couldn't be Christian and in the background it's like, ha, ma ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha singer for this secondary band at Bonarou is still shitting out those mushrooms so we had to vamp for a few minutes. Kind of had that feel to it. It's funny that she gets punished directly after she had this whole like, look, I got to

speak my mind. So it directly is like, that'll teach you to have a pinnacle. Should have read Timothy. So yeah, and then we just get her like, like breaking down mentally, right? Like, like, like, that's what the movie wants her to do I guess But now she's just like yelling at the air and To tell God how she feels and whatnot. Yeah, she's having a literal skits of phrenic break. Yeah, she's dialoguing with the air. She's like Freaking out, but then she gets a letter

And I wanted to say I I wrote in my notes, if the letter is from God, I'm back in. I had Jesus, please be Jesus, please be from Jesus. But no. At this point, I was hoping that it was just gonna be like, a realization that there never was a poll. Like, I didn't make this like a letter that's like from the mom or something that's like, where have you been, honey?

Honey, the hospital said they released you Yeah, right right a letter from Christian Mingle saying we were not able to process your application or some For no one of them also things like an alcoholics fever dream and it's like get help today. Oh She looks in the mirror and she's the guy from gross point blank and then she strangles herself and guy from Gross Point Blank and then she strangles herself and becomes. But no, instead it's from the little Mexican stereotype girl that we met earlier who wanted to thank her for being so jeezzy when she was in Mexico. Yeah, except this time you're hearing the Mexican girl like read the letter to Gwyneth, except

it's a Russian girl for some reason. Yeah, she's got a Russian accent now. Weird choice. It is so nice of foreign poor children to exist to help white people on their own. Thank you. You get it. Everyone has their purpose. Yeah, I'm Chelsea and I both went to NYU and that's basically what traveling abroad

is for is you go and you build a hut and then you go back to the hotel and it's really spiritual. Right, you feel so good and then hey, you get a new profile picture out of it. Oh my gosh, I have a tattoo of a leaf. This is why we need the TPP, it's important. Yes. So now we cut to, I guess a year later or whatever and she has decided to quit her advertising job and go teach English at A Mexican school right the place that she hated yeah exactly exactly but without bothering to learn Spanish Yeah, they do she's and she's teaching them English, but she doesn't speak Spanish

Yes, that's you you gotta know both languages. This seems like an obvious thing to me. I don't know, I don't think of the word for gobby-gook. No idea, I can speak English, that's not how this works. Where do we learn English? This is just a school that we can't learn in. Also, we hear this little Mexican child give like a two minute long report two-minute-long report.

We hear the whole report. Yes, yes. That editor who was making all these dumb, fancy cuts, we need him now. This is your moment. I wrote my notes. I just want to listen to this Mexican girl sound out English for the next 18 hours. And are some of my favorite items on the menu at TGI Friday's

in the double, Deeping Super Streams. Are you just saying whatever comes into your head? Super streams. You didn't sound quite Russian enough. That was kind of racist. But okay. Moussens world. Oh, yeah.

And by the way, speaking of racism, Gwyneth is dressed like the woman on a can of black beans at this point. Yeah, it's ridiculous. She transformed into a Mexican 300 year old. She went Mexican to get a jamaimum. Horrible. Oh shit. But it's okay, because there's someone waiting for her at the church, and as she leaves

a classroom of children all alone, you notice that because it's someone waiting for her at the church and as she leaves a classroom of children all alone and notice that because it's Mexico all of their Christmas decorations are pinatas. All decorations in this town are fucking pinatas. At which point I paused the movie and screamed they're all pinatas. They're all pinatases, they're all piniones. That's gotta be a fun tab. You just walk around hitting things, getting candy. That'd be awesome. I knew it wasn't going to happen,

but as soon as someone came in saying, like, you gotta go to the church, you gotta go to the church right now. There was part of me that wished that she would get there and it would just be like a beheaded man strung up and it would just, the movie would seamlessly transition into cicareo. Oh yeah. And it would just be like, look, like, that's how they send a message around here.

The car tellers everywhere. They say you need to start teaching your school in the language. Everyone speaks here. It's really the man. She becomes Emily Bunt over the course of the movie. It just becomes a prequel. It'd be amazing. Oh God, I wouldn't have taken anything but this.

See, I thought this movie was a prequel to dog tooth, so yours is better. But instead, no, she goes to the church and it's Paul, the jackass guy that we wanted to see disembelled earlier. But luckily, she's kept herself good and chased for him for this year, because she's a Christian now. So now they reunite, because it's because it's the end of a romantic movie, I guess, and that's how it works, right? He also has this great moment where he goes, there's only one thing more difficult than

playing it safe, and I wrote fire juggling. It's easier than it looks. It'll freak you out at first. Yeah, yeah, so they're chatting and she's like, well, you know, I met your dad and I know him because he comes down here all the time. Your mom's a horrible bitch though and he's like, yeah, she is. But also, and I want to point this out out like at this point in the movie he says something about how he pretended to like sushi and I'm thinking yeah yeah that's way worse than the lie that she told you. Right.

Because sushi is real. He goes is there a place that we could get sushi around here and she's like are you serious? He's like no I haven't changed at all. I'm like the last drop. My blood's basically a solid at this point. I have to move it through manually. I have to punch myself in the thigh every 30 seconds

or my heart stops. She asked, she's like, what about Kelly? And he's like, don't worry about Kelly. Kelly's gone. It's like, what happened to Kelly? Like, at that point, she'd be like, it's Kelly okay? Like, Jesus Christ, like, no, Kelly's in a wood shipper now. Oh no.

Just cut to a small mound in a field somewhere with a popsicle stick cross What do you think we keep coming down to Mexico? Oh the people the bad guys from the hills have eyes would have watched this movie and been like that's creepy that's creepy. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Yeah, I was really hoping you could get some sort of callback to Ann Murray like I thought that maybe like Happy even Ann Murray, but I was disappointed up right until the end my bowie Oh also as soon as Paul came back she immediately was like by Mexican children I guess you don't need a teacher anymore, because mama got a hunk back. Honestly, they were just humoring her. They had no idea any of the words she was saying.

Right. Come on, you fucking bell works. You'll be fine. We have to go. She sits there. She thinks she has a school. Come on, guys. It's nice.

That's pretty nice. So as the sun sets and that far off exotic land of Mexico, our movie draws to a halting clothes and we're left to ask ourselves What the fuck that was all about so what was he what was he moral of the story? Anyone anyone at all? There's a Check out J8 Oh, if you swipe in nothing but right and then you can unswip people later and see who your matches are

You just you just swipe right constantly and then you unswiped later Oh right on right on that was the moral of the story. I was gonna go with Um, the woman has to change for the man that seemed to be Uh, the underwriting theme here also baldness is not a laughing matter The underwriting theme here also baldness is not a laughing matter Seriously shit. I feel like if this had a new name it would be settling the movie Like you know what at a certain point you just got to take what's given and maybe maybe it's like a rice pudding as a man You got to deal with that. That's yours now. The movie. The movie. Right.

It's not that the websites are bad. It's that your expectations are bad. Yeah, exactly. All right, so I'd like to close up on a quick game of pretend if you guys don't mind. Keeping in mind that, in theory at least, some people watch this movie and said, well, shit, sign me up for that, they're a website. So I want you guys to all imagine that you signed up to ChristianMingle.com at gunpoint or whatever however you got to get yourself there and now you're on

your first date. I want you to look across that table and describe the person that you see there. Heath? All right. I'd probably see Chelsea and Eli because we broke their matching program. I like to think it was setting up a like a heath and orgy. And it would be the three of us. We have no idea what to do. Right on, right on. Well, now I feel like I have to point out that you now can't say heath, but Chelsea,

it would probably be the entire Republican party. Just all those guys that's the president. It's just Ted Cruz, like sharpening a knife, like... Just continually trying to kiss his daughter. I got her, she can't get away, don't worry. I'm gonna do this to you next, like no, no. My real name's Raphael. Yeah, right, you probably get the president

of the fucking company going, holy shit, we finally got a woman and Eli Martin Screly, but without the money Just someone who really wants to tell me about men's rights You know if you look at the Department of Justice survey, we're going we're playing Dutch on this right? justice survey. We're going, we're playing Dutch on this, right? We're, all right. Well, Chelsea, congratulations. You made it to the finish line. We each owe you a drink for that. But before we let you go, if our listeners would like to hear more from you, where should they go? Oh, well, you guys should follow me on Twitter. My, my little act is Chelsea, C-H-L-S-E-A, underscore, Davidson, D-A-V-, DAVISO-N. So follow me there. Right on, right on. Of course, we'll have that link on the show notes.

So for this episode, Chelsea, thanks again. Thank you guys. What fun, kind of. Yeah. I love all of us. I'm so glad. I'm so glad. You bet.

Everybody wants to, is OK, coming on once. Nobody's done it twice. Yeah, I wonder why. And while that's going to do it for our review of Christian Mingle that isn't gonna do it for the episode just yet because we still have to get y'all moist and lubricated over next week Show so Eli tell us what's on deck? Unconditional and it looks Compannantly edited and that's all I need right now. It looks like a fantastic movie. Yeah

Absolutely. I got admit because this movie looks racist Absolutely. I got to admit, because this movie looks racist and stupid and Jesus-y. It seems like a really good combination of all of the things that we love and hate about these movies at the same time. When I say fantastic, I mean, what do you like, said? Yeah, yeah. Well, but it seemed like the preview

was kind of trying to trick you on the Jesus-y stuff because it wasn't a very Jesus-y preview, but I think we've been doing this long enough to know when they're trying to trick us there. You can see how they've edited the preview to be like, oh, he's about to talk about Jesus, but they did a hard cut over her crying in the rain, so we don't have to hear the monologue about Jesus. They want to trick four normal people into this movie. So with that to look forward to, we'll bring episode 25 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to Chelsea Davis and for suffering alongside us tonight and of course an even huge earth thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show

go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com. slash god awful and thereby earn early access to every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed the show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the scathing atheist, and the skepticrat available on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email Godoffalmoves at gmail.com,

all the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of Evil Drafts on Mars and was used with permission. If you like what you hear, hear more by following the links on the show notes to this episode. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Heathen, right, Neely, Bosnick. I'm No Illusion, promising to work hard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close.

But, bro, you better burn your mouth. Better than all the rest. Well, I'm a firework. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha Gwyneth's school was the least successful in history since she didn't speak Spanish and her students didn't speak English. Kelly hung herself when her longtime boyfriend ran away to Mexico to marry some girl he dated for like five or six weeks or something. Gwyneth's friends stopped talking to her when she announced that she was going to Mexico to teach English and that she was a Christian now.

They all eventually met Romantic partners offline and without a religious test, like God damn human beings. And the Asian chick got fucked so hard. Oh so hard, here's the video guys, here check it out, it's in the show notes, the episode, you just watched that episode. Da-Man smile you've got friendships.