God Awful Movies - 27: GAM027 I'm in Love with a Church Girl

Episode Date: February 23, 2016

This week, former senior writer for the Onion and current writer for Comedy Central's @Midnight Jocelyn Richard joins us to break down a story about a man and a woman, and that's pretty much it.  This conflictless love story pits master thesbian Ja Rule across from the girl from Cuttin' Da Mustard and generates precisely the kind of onscreen chemistry that casting would suggest.  Join us for a story of love, all-inclusive resort plugs, and unatoned felonies in I'm in Love with a Church Girl.--- Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  If you'd like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page.

Un chapuzón, con el hábito, tu serie favorita y en medio de tu siesta. ¡Ey! ¿Has visto esta? No sabes la de planazos que hay este verano en Guésville Parque Sur. Con ciertas obsesiones con DJs, clases de yoga, talleres con martes y actividades con niños, te apuntas. Un sueño de verano, Baygués sin Parque Sur. was they said miles they said that we could get off if they told us something quote juicy about you yes he's got a massive song like it sounded like a middle school sleepover and he talks to the next guy and he's like oh man do you want to do something juicy on you juicy son. And I wouldn't give him any gossip, so now I'm enjoying it with Ron Bale. T-Dome man.

I'm trying to make God's work. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE!

MOVIE! Welcome back to the Gamecast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian Cinnamon, hopes that some future judge might consider it time-served. I'm your host, Noah Luzonz, and sitting to my immediate left is my good friend, Heath and right, Heath, welcome back. Sup, player? You know what we do, how we do when we do, when we roll in. Oh right I'm not gonna give that any context at all.

People are gonna talk like that. Heath is racist. We'll just go with Heath is racist. And sitting 989 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick. Eli how are you this fine afternoon sir? Ricky Rick raw, Ricky Rick raw. Eric Eric This is gonna be a long record

No, we also have a special guest Massacus sitting in with us today. Jocelyn Richards is a former senior writer for the Onion and a current writer for Comedy Central's at Midnight as well as apparently a phenomenal glutton for punishment. Jocelyn, welcome to God Offal Movies. Uh, thanks for having me. Oh, you bet. You bet. Now, as I understand it,

this movie was actually your pick correct? This is my pick. I've seen it. This is my third time seeing it. I do not remember the other two times. So we watched it as back when I was at the onion We watched it as a staff two times But I think most of us were we're pretty horrified during it. I don't know how much people were paying attention. I learned about it from the editor of the ending at the time was this guy named Will Tracy and we used to have like this you know email thread and he somehow I remember linked to it on YouTube and

after watching a few seconds of it we decided that we had to watch it as a staff so We did watch it. I've got to say I will never be able to thank you enough for this because like last week We did a movie that was yeah, it was a bad movie, but it wasn't a god awful movie But holy shit This might be the worst non-extinction level event in the history of the cosmos Normally you would need Siberian volcanoes or an asteroid impact for things to get this bad, but they managed to do it using only photons. That's awesome. Yeah, also I want to point out this is the first time where we don't have to apologize to a guest.

You're right. Our guest has to apologize to us. I'm not apologizing. No apologies, necessary. As a favor. Now I didn't come here to apologize for showing this. I came here to be thanked. Yeah, absolutely. And thank you are this was so spectacular. This is why we're here. Yeah, this movie is Why weeks now I've kind of jumped the gun a little bit on our normal formula. So let me backtrack just a little bit and let The audience catch up. Heath, tell us what are we gonna be breaking down today? All right, we watched, I'm in love with a church girl. On purpose. Yeah, it's the story of a big time drug dealer who retires from the game after making millions of dollars. And he feels kind of guilty about all the terrible things he did.

But then he meets a Christian girl who learns him that he doesn't have to worry about being a horrible person because the rules on magical consequences are super easy to get around. Yeah, fun movie. So I remember how American gangster had like too many professional actors and not enough Jesus. Well, they fixed that. It's like American spiritual gangster. Oh, there you go. And tell us Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you've ever been on a subway or public transportation and seen a couple like make out and fight

and then have sexy talk and then scream at each other and then cry all in like a 42nd time period and thought to yourself, man, I hope they make that couple into a movie. Well guess what, I really love it. They did, it's loving the bad man starring Jeff he has another name Jeff something I wasn't super familiar he's a great actor but I guess he sings as well yeah yeah I think his name's Jay it's loving a

true I'm in love with a church girl by the way not loving a bad man that wasn't even worse movie but now I think obviously where we need to start with this whole review is with how good looking, wealthy, and sexually virulent jaw rule is. Yeah. Yeah, they make it very clear in case you can't intuit that fact from the context clues. Yeah. But yeah, no, we can all agree.

I agree. That was a wonderful part of the movie. I did count and this isn't my notes at some point. In the first 35 minutes of the movie, there are no speaking parts in the entire film that do not at some point compliment Jawroll. The villains compliment Jawroll. Everyone who speaks takes a moment to be like hey man I know I'm a drug dealer and I got a bag full of crack up me but I want you to know your hair looks fantastic And that jacket works that jacket works you totally pull that off Now I have to say you know because again

Gisling you may not know this but every movie we watch is the worst movie we've ever seen. And this, of course, was also the worst movie we've ever seen. And what I thought it was particularly worst at was the dialogue. Like it was, it was worse than Christian mingle. I think it was worse than you've been acting squarely. Did you get bit by a square? This was the most vapid bullshit dialogue. I think we've come across yet. Do I have any agrees on that on anyone? I love the dialogue. I really love the dialogue.

Because it sounds like sort of what if you if you were giving an anti-drug speech to like a middle school or something like a general kid. Yeah, it sounds like why you would think that that would sound like if somebody like if you if you've ever like let's say that you want to get a picture of a really generic picture of a drug dealer and you went on like getty images and pull the off of a drug dealer it would be like approximations of what people think a drug dealer would look like. This is a police sketch of a drug dealer, it would be like approximations of what people think a drug dealer would look like. This is a police sketch of a drug dealer. It's a version of a movie.

Yeah, it is. And like there are many parts of the movie, pretty much every part of the movie is like that. Like the strange like DEA agents that are trailing them on and off and you never quite know why. Those are also like a sketch of what you'd think a drug enforcement agents would be which is my favorite part of the movie. I loved all of the dialogue. He sort of you know the way that he delivers his lies and the way that he brings out this character as he says it really on in the movie show don't tell which is great that you're just telling the audience that, but it was like, seriously, like you're going down and you're panning through a jail and then all

the sun, he's like in a freshman 101 writing class where he's like, you know what, I'm going to show don't tell. And you're like, wow, okay, that's a strange line. Are you reading the fucking How to Write a Screenplay? That's your right answer straight there. Yeah. Yeah. All right, well, I guess the sooner we get started, the sooner I never have to think about this piece of shit again. So we're gonna pause for a quick break and when we come back, we'll break down all the action that isn't. I'm in love with the church girl.

Hi, Jarrul! It's so awesome to meet you. Thanks for coming in. You can call me Jeff. Definitely not gonna call you Jeff, but yeah, thanks for thanks for meeting with us Not gonna happen. All right, so we wanted to talk to you about some of these contract requirements you had for the movie Yeah, yeah, yeah We must have misread them or something because my copy it says everyone in the movie compliments miles every 13 Seconds yeah compliments miles every 13 seconds. Yeah well we just think it might make the dialogue little strained little unrealistic. No no no no listen it's easy for instance do you

like my jacket? Sure. Great you got 12 more seconds. Okay but what about this part where it says all the characters Including the bad guys have to complement this guy's physical appearance his monetary constraint his haircut, what yeah Seriously, this movie's gonna be total gibberish It's a Christian movie Yeah, a lot of people forget that. I like your jacket. Thank you. And we're back for the breakdown. And I just want to say that we ended the show last week

with me worrying that this movie wouldn't be Jesus-y enough. I believe my concerns were delayed in the production logos. Yeah, are you sure you're not in the movie the wish master? I Sure hope the next one is Jesus-y enough The leprechaun 5 skating it. Yeah, right be careful what you wish for so we start off with the Vio telling us to truth as We as we pan down the aforementioned prison And it's just like like everything that you're gonna hear in this movie. It's absolutely meaningless It's just a bunch of like I've been through a lot of things in my lifetime on this planet and experiences and things and whatnot I love the part where he's going through like what he's been through in life And he just sort of laps into like I've been through a lot in my life and he goes laughter love cry

tears smile like he just names verbs He goes laughter, love, cry, tears, smile. Like he just names verbs that you do. He's like clap, breathe, taste. It's like okay. Yeah, I guess you've been through a lot. You've been through like actions. Actions of the senses and everything. Yeah, it's always always be a madlin.

Yeah. Also, and of course, we can't just pass over this. During the credits, we get executive producer. God. Yeah. I wrote my book. Did you all see that? I was like, oh man, the acid kicked in early.

I thought I was going to make it through the whole movie. Yeah, but doesn't God executive produce all the movies? Yeah, he gets, he's got a a no show EP credit for everything. Yeah Exactly. I'm so the gaffer So by the way the introduction music note I had here was epic French horn solo at the middle school band concert Yeah, yeah, that was probably about right The opening monologue from from job, Jeff, sorry, is ridiculous. Miles, his name is Miles.

Yeah, ridiculous. It's basically saying like, you know, I'd love to tell you it's a good idea to think about things and realize you live in a world with consequences, but that's stupid because God controls everything. I'm the wise protagonist. Here's a movie about me. It's horrible. Right, right.

And then they remember that the medium that we're using here is visual. So they say, you know, let us show you. So we cut immediately to Jar Rule and all his gangster buddies giving him huge piles of money. Right. And Jar Rule, by the way, is now telling, he's telling his entire gang of drug dealers to invest in futures. Yes, he's like the mad entire gang of drug dealers to invest in futures. He's like the mad money of drug kingpins. You're like, listen guys, you need to get into hedge funds. Look, I know that the stock market's appealing because the margins are higher.

But if you look at hedges from 1968 till the present, you're just seeing higher investment with all. Do you guys remember what the euphemism for money that he uses in this thing? He says something like, all right, I'm going to go put some paperwork in my vault. Do you guys remember that? Oh, it's like a really strange word for money that he uses. Was it? Guop?

I think it's a paperwork. No, that's in the following scene. Yeah, where he shows up at his mom's house. He's like, mom, I got to put some paperwork in the safe. Yeah. But no, I think that's supposed to be like mom thinks it's really paperwork. Yeah, and the mom should say, but doesn't she see him putting like like 800,000 dollars in a, say, and a cartoonish safe like, that's her cue to be like, do you sell drugs?

She doesn't say anything. No, she's definitely Wiley Coyote safe. Yes. She's too busy Trying to tell Jarl that what she really wants is to go to sandals One eight hundred sandals we actually get the phone number it actually shows the fucking phone number and Lingers there for a second so yes apparently the director got the third night free if you mention the fucking sandals thing Six times in a row in this movie So we do and for those who are I don't know if this is a thing that everyone's familiar with but sandals is Aponishment

If you can't afford a cruise you settle for sandals. Yeah, he's a multi-millionaire with a mansion in what we're supposed to assume is L.A. Right? in what we're supposed to assume is LA, right? No, it's like a set of 100 days, several years ago. That couldn't dock and it got exploded with sewage and rats over in the ship. Like that's better than sandals. Yes, no, everyone was like all of the gelt reviews after that experience were like,

at least that didn't go to sandals yet. And yet this millionaire, the main thing that his mom wants in this movie is to go to sandals. I always wanted to look this up Sandals is $250 a night for their most expensive package. Oh wow So what this you will just send us you had please let me pay more Yeah, I don't want to get E. Coli this drug pink king pin sends his mother on a vacation of less than a thousand well get there will get there right now she still just dreaming of it

right now i like about like a p.r. person for sandals getting a glimpse of this movie and she says that in the person she's like no no so now we have to meet our our and tag it pro tag it anyway. We meet the DEA guys This was most the second most disappointing in the movie moment in the movie where we realized that both Stephen Baldwin and Michael Madsen were in it They had Michael Madsen for like 23 minutes of film. Yeah, it's a thing they replace him Like he comes in and then it's clear that he had some other

Movie or project to do for most of the movie and they replace him in the DEA car with some guy that they just don't even Introduction Brian Brian yeah, so Brian's there most of the time and then Brian then gets switched out again Towards then with Michael Madsen, but in this scene We have Michael Madsen and Steven Baldwin. And I just want to say, Steven Baldwin always looks like he's being told to have a seat by Chris Hansen. Are you talking about that main DA guy who to me look like a flamboyant Harvey Kytel. Yes, that's the least popular Baldwin, which is saying a lot.

Oh, okay. By the way, the boss guy. That's John Creece, the bad guy sensei from Karate Kid. Is it really? That is John Creece. That is over. That's co-reckeye, that's co-reckeye dojo. Yeah. The chief I call he chief is the craziest human I've ever seen in my life. He has a reverse Hitler mustache, which means he has a mustache everywhere except the top and middle of his face and Blonde frosted tips. Yes, he's literally the worst thing to do to a human head. Yeah Oh, yes, I'm including acid. And by the way every line in this scene is delivered like the last sentence of a Batman monologue this scene is delivered like the last sentence of a Batman monologue. Everything everyone says is in that breathless, I could just barely make, contain my anger for the rest of these words.

Yeah. The problem with the scene though is that like you said Baldwin, Madsen and Cobra Kai, they all wanted to be the angry one in the scene and they definitely never settled this argument. So it's just a yelling contest of cops agreeing with each other about different ways to describe how much money this drug dealer makes. It's like, this guy, Miles Montego, has a house with worth more than three bar houses combined. And it's like, that's absolutely accurate. He makes more money in one

deal than we make in a year. Excellent comparison. He wears more fake watches on his wrist than China imports in a year, and they just keep going. He's so handsome, I'd bottom for him. Bottom for him. I'd be a piss bitch for him. We all agree. And I don't know if every time you guys see the establishing shot of his house after that, which is probably 38 times in the movie, so that you remember,

did you all like imagine like four DEA houses put together? That's how they describe it. And then we pop back into the club for a pointless eight seconds worth of scene that just left my jaw on the fucking floor. All I learned from this scene is that I was uncomfortable in the accents, the white actors chose to use. They're all very, you know, sort of non-white people played by very, very white people. Yeah, there had to be a day where they first tried these accents out in front of Jauru. They were like, so Jeff, I was just wondering, what if P money was like, Yo, man, you know what I mean?

Would that be okay to give you? And Jarl Rule was like, I'm high right now, and he was like, great, that's what I'm gonna do for this movie. It was like, it's like to kill a mockingbird at my local high school of all white people. Right. Well, see now what I learned from this scene

is that Jarl Rule doesn't to hear any what's wins wise Where's whose house their for's or other conjunction? And he only wants people to speak him to him and zeros and ones for some reason but time space car So the world's most complicated game a taboo or something yeah John ruler you're just saying things you see in the room or you actually reading your lines Laugh same difference same thing

so So then miles gets invited to an old white person party and I just I have to point out that this is how bad the screenwriting is. The scene before that is him taking a phone call getting invited to the party. The next scene is him being at the party. Yeah. Like he's being invited to the next scene. And apparently he thinks you guys miss the part where it just for briefly like less than then a second shows the wheel of his Bentley spinning and then he's in the thing. People's eyes. It's spiritually important to me that we recognize that Joe rule does not know how to speak on a phone in the scene because he very clearly holds

his ear up to the ear thing. And then move the whole around the front. And then moves it back. Like in a very it's not a fluid motion at all. It looks very strange. I'm not gonna point this out in every scene But again inappropriate compliment time. He goes miles my youngest and coolest friend in the world Like they couldn't get the guy from the soprano so they settled with this guy and so Just one scene supposed to be like, hey, I'm Italian guy, even Italian guys like Jarl Rool. But also so many times these explanations when they're describing him is just

meaning black. Like in this scene when he says my youngest, hippest, only blah blah blah. I mean he's the like the only black guy in the whole movie, right? Oh yes. Yeah. but see i got the impression more that this was a scene about jaw rules and don't get me wrong some of my best friends are white than the other way around uh... what are you talking about i wrote my notes here this is ruby twos days training video levels of acting

and i also want to point out that vinesa this is where we meet vinesa the female lead in the in the movie she's the only one at this party with cleavage and there will only be one cleavage Lissine for her in this entire movie. Yeah when she goes when she's in the hospital. She like Yeah, right They found her a little cut down. Yeah I'm ready for my operation. You know what I mean I'm ready for my operation. If you know what I mean That scene is silent and we'll get to that scene is so funny how they

Interpreted what somebody in a car crash looks like. Oh, that's it. We'll get there so miles is introduced to Vanessa and the way that he is introduced is they shake hands and then he Keeps holding her hand and runs his thumb along the back of her hand. Now, Jocelyn, question, if when we had met just moments before now, if I had done that to you, how many cans of mace would you have emptied into my face? Not would you, how many? Okay, I think that because you're not jaw-ruled and I'm sorry you're not jaw-ruled. You and me both. I think that because you're not job rolling. I'm sorry. You're not job I can't remember how she reacts, but she's just like oh

Or something like she says oh classy. No, she says give me my hand back before I have to call the police Right, but it's funny. Oh, yeah, yeah No, that's her flirting. She's not like don't do that. She's like, mm, you must like me. You're not letting me go. You must be looking for a godly woman. And the reason that, so like, he's already primed to me, Vanessa, because his mom, who after she talks about Sandals Resort, which is, I'm sure the first thing that she tells him

every time she sees it, is that she wants him to find a godly woman at church. Yeah, that was five minutes and 30 seconds into the movie. That was our first mention of, you know, well, not our first, because we get it in the video, but that was the first in the actual film. And then, yeah, 13 minutes in, we get this. And this, the dialogue with the two of them

meet is some of the dumbest shit I have ever been subjected to. It's like children wrote it. Their whole courtship is amazing. Oh my God. This is the actual scene between the two of us. Oh please. This is the actual scene.

Jocelyn, will you do a dramatic reading with me? I love it. It's right here, so it's every other line. Okay. So it's dramatic reading. Here you go. So how do you know them? Bible study?

Bible study from church? Yes, from from church you go to church on Sunday Every Sunday, so what's your religion? And I was like what the fuck am I Just read my aunt Kathy's Facebook timeline for my grandfather had terrible dementia before he died And he would have read these lines and been like no this is that's not making any sense and I'm just reading this and I am a horrible actress I've never acted in my life but I'm just reading this and it's like how do you know the Bible study Bible's Bible study from church yeah Bible study is associated with a church yes from

this is. Yes. For church like that. All the way to church every Sunday, Sunday church. Yes. You go to some day church. Yes, church on Sundays. Bible it like waiting for good. Yeah. Yeah. That's what this is basically. Then you had a Christian waiting for good. I think it would be this movie. Yeah. So then she asked him if he goes to church and he says no, and she tells him you need to find a church you're comfortable with and stick with it, you know, like a yoga practice.

Exactly. Yeah, exactly. He also said, he says that he was Catholic, right? He grew up Catholic and then he, that wasn't right for him anymore. So we know right away that Catholics are bad. Oh yeah, exactly. We're real bad, yeah. And so is using the term Christian apparently religious

Yeah, they prefer the the term person of faith because you know Christian makes it sound like there's a other valid Religions out there. So they prefer yeah, but I love that when she actually I think like usually if somebody that you meet You go on a date or whatever and they say let's get in contact I want to see you again. You would send a text. You'd probably text, right? But she flat out Apple Face Times him at six. I think it's the following. From bed. Yeah. Okay. Yes. But from her chat roulette studio. Yeah. But before we get there we have to just glimpse over and realize that Steven Baldwin is watching

on Dowler Lee, the show, his chat from studio. Master Bating to how handsome Ja Rule is. We think the guy who has replaced Michael Mads in this character at this point. Everyone's hoping that the one-eyed people watching the movie won't notice that Michael Madison is gone. And nerdy Jim from the office is taking this place. But yes, she sends him, he wakes up in the morning to a video of her in bed. This is, look, spam bots have sent more convincing videos to me. On his iPad.

Like holding her phone above her and sending him this strange video. This is the first contact that she makes with him. Yeah, he's got a... So she basically, in the video scene, he calls her and he's like, she's like, you're gonna come to church with me and he's like, I've got a gang full of stuff to do. I'm a drug dealer. Wait, no, what's the subtle?

Something subtle. So she comes from church and I just want to take a moment look you can wear whatever you want you can dress however you want But this world this woman wore an outfit to church that porn stars would have been like I don't know build the suspense a little And there has never been a woman last addressed in one of these movies. Yeah, except for maybe some of the seven year olds and see me dance But that was who that was thinking about why she was dressed like that And I really think that it's a budget thing for this movie because there are times in this movie where they're It seems like they're going back and forth a lot from church to his club Where he hangs out with his friends and so like like show straight out, get out of church and

go go right into this club. You know, so they just have this one outfit that they have or wear the whole time. It's not church. They put a jacket over it occasionally. Yeah, I got to go to church. She has a jacket and then when she goes to the club, it's straight. So, right. So Right, so their date is for him to show her his eight bedroom mansion Long conversation where they're going through and you got eight bedroom. Yeah, I have eight bedrooms Yeah, so many couches. Yeah, yeah, I don't see what my country. Yeah, so many coffee tables Why do you need this many coffee? Yeah, but you know, I'm a rich drug dealer. Oh look at how many curtains you have Yeah, but you know, I'm a rich drug dealer. Oh, look at how many curtains you have Yeah, so many doorways. Why do you need this many doorways for one and again? There's no purpose in this scene whatsoever except for to reestablish the thing that we've already established about how wealthy he is never been inside a black person's house before this place is huge

Yeah, not so like I can handle it but it's pretty big. But we do have one of the weirdest love scenes in all of the movies we watched. He gets a call on his phone and she has this moment where she's like, Miles, I would never tell you to turn your phone off. And they just really connect over her being like, I would never interrupt your business. And I realized, oh, this is what like a rapper's ideal version of a woman is like, I would never interfere when your friend's text you pictures of other women. And I was like, oh, I get it.

Like this is like a Louis CK situation where he's like inserting his perfect ideal. Like, right. But because it's J's like inserting his perfect Right, but because it's Jaurul his perfect idea of a woman is just someone who's okay with him texting Well, and this is this is when I had to actually copy down for posterity actual line after she says that he says That's dope. I mean, you know a lot of women would be like you be in rude or yo can you turn that off? That's the end of the line That not only made it through all the script re-rides that made it through all the edits nobody who was on set at that moment said Hey, why don't we just cut that out?

There's no need for that to be there. That's the kind of shit from fucking page one to the end in this goddamn movie That's how so many of his of his lines are as they just drop off. And then there's times when he's just there for like three seconds after he delivers a line, just kind of like smiling or sighing, which adds a really good touch to it. Yeah, there's no moment where he's not mugging for the camera. Yeah. So then we cut to them, him visiting her at her job. And of course, she's so Christian, she works at a Christian store.

Yes, the C28. And it's basically, this is Christian Hot Topic. Yeah, I think so. That's what it looks like. And it's huge. Like, that place is packed. Is this store real? Because if it is, I want to find it and burn it down.

I just, I don't want to burn it down. I want to go there and go shopping. I want to go there. There was a one stop shop. If you're a Christian, you know, it had clothing and look like it had kitchen supplies. It was a game. Christian kitchen supplies.

Yeah. And some of those guys look like real rappers according to John. Oh, this is amazing. No. So first we see her friends. Her friends are all the right ethnicities. She's like, I have a Spanish friend and a Chinese friend and a white friend. Good. I'll work with her at the counter Hocking these Christian CDs, right? And they basically only serve the purpose to be like we are her friends

We also think Jowrold is handsome. We will never be seen again We will never be seen again and that's it. So yeah, we get this like ridiculously stupid scene of him inviting her to the next scene. Oh wait, but then John ruled Christian rap. Oh right, right, yeah, exactly. So she's she's like look I'm gonna hook you up so she gives him a garbage bag full of Christian bodies with CDs with Christian music. And he pulls out a CD and goes, man, this guy looks like a real rapper. It's like, what? And I cannot, I don't know what they paid him, but it's so forced. He's like I Jarl Roo Really appreciate Christian rap and you just know on the back of that guy See if her now on is gonna be Christian rap. It's fine. I guess

And also we have to literally after he she gives him the bag We have to literally linger on this scene for no reason but for her friends to come back on screen and talk about how cutie was again. Yeah, no, they say something where they say like, oh, look at her. Doesn't she seem so happy? But it's like they're just, they just walked past a clothing rack and they're, she's, she's shoveling CDs into her bag, and that's how she apparently looks so happy. Like it makes no sense. And she just met him one night. They haven't been married for 30 years or something. No, they have known each other for 24 hours,

but that doesn't mean that the next scene isn't him meeting her parents. Yep. And boy, was that painful? Yeah. But first, when they first walk in the door, she introduces, she gets,

if Jarrol gets introduced to like a line of her eight sisters or something like that, all of whom think he's hot. And they all look like snooki. Yeah, all of them think he's great. In their own special way, it's like everyone in this movie's a Hanukkah candle for how attracted to miles they are.

Yeah. It's like, I'm the sister who doesn't want to put down her phone, but I would fuck you. I'm the good sister and I would fuck you. I'm the home back sister. I would sit straight. There wasn't much there in her brain. There was something a little bit off about that one sister. The loud one you're talking about, right? the loud one you're talking about right the loud one who just sort of would shout her lie She's the loud sister. Yeah, she was given one line of It was like the dwarf she was loudy. Yeah, and then of course mom shows up and just she looks at him like Black and she goes so what church do you Jesus Jesus Jesus you heathen fuck?

Black and she goes, so what church do you Jesus Jesus Jesus you heathen fuck? Yeah, just say like she's she's very overtly Racist oh, yes name three white people you know go She flat out says I didn't think Vanessa would bring one of your kind back And I think the movie meant non-Christian. Yeah. No, but in every... I don't even know, you know, like, I think we're giving this movie a lot of credit. I don't even think that's what the movie meant.

She's so racist. I wouldn't be surprised if mom pulled out a skull at dinner, and said to talk about phonology. I wouldn't be surprised by that character, Joey. You see these dimples right here, mom? No. So then, mom says, you know, so what do you do? And dad says, well, that's enough drilling, honey.

I'm like, no, that's like the most basic possible question you can ask someone. Yeah. Honey, honey, dad's enough now. Come on. So it's never clear to the audience too. So it's kind of for our benefit to figure out anything except they never mention any what kind of drugs or anything like that.

So no, you never see any drugs or anything. Yeah, this is a scene where I actually was begging for some good, clunky exposition and it never happened. But because the movie hadn't specifically broken Noah and Heath's heart yet The only way that this could have been worse is if Patton Oswald had also come into the scene and like joy I I can't be a comedian, but now I'm here to say I sure think Miles is fantastic That would have been enough there would have been no 27th episode could be taken our own lives So I'm just I was so depressed

He joined he joined sandals resorts They're seabring convertible as the main finance and C28 Christian hot topic stores. Yeah, exactly. And also did anybody else notice how like almost every line of Vanessa she either repeats the subject twice within it or she's repeating just repeating the subject of whatever the last person said. Yes. In a racist tone. Yes, absolutely. Yeah. That might have just been for, for just the purposes of making this movie, I think she had to repeat herself. Maybe that's the only way that could get through the scene. So often space is out halfway through his lines that she probably gives him a little context at the beginning

of it. So he can go on with the scene. Jarlrull is the Finnegan's wake of rappers. He acts like Brando, yeah, absolutely. Right, right. Now also just in case you thought we'd gotten the highest level of like bullshit pointless compliments to Jarl We also get a reference to how big his dick is in this scene. Yes, literally. Yeah, where all the women gather around and they say is is it true what they say? You know about... I'm not being godly. And this woman who is being... right, who is him being between churches. And then she's like, no, I think you're talking about his dick, right? Oh yeah, no. And this woman who is going to the club sees that he's a millionaire in L.A. is absolutely shocked and appalled that he has had premarital sex.

Yes. There's a millionaire rapper record producer in LA and she's like, well, I just assume he's a virgin. Yeah, in his 30s. Yeah. There's also this moment where it gets worse for him because Miles' friend is there too and he's trying to be like the wingman. So he tells this story about how Miles killed those people with a gun.

He's hanging out the car window, exuding civilians, women, children, families. We had to go back later and kill one of the little girls because they saw his face anyways. He's a great guy. I'll leave you to alone. Do you know who you're sitting with? A legend gone out the window.

Blah, blah, black, black, right? Right, right? It's right. It though like the one thing in this movie where people do sort of have appropriate reactions that correspond to the lines and the plot is Does react appropriately when that kind of stuff happens like there's a time he's like yeah, yeah, Miles killed all those people and she's like What you know she gets to live said Yeah, Miles killed all those people and she said what you know, she gets your lips That he has a gun in his car and she freaks out like those are the times that do keep you grounded because it's insane that they just Basically tell her that he did that but she is comforted Instantly and without record Like she's like she's like wait you leaned out of a car and shot people and he's like this things

I'm not proud of it and she's like I love you I love you Yeah, right so so then miles He hears this ridiculous story. He's like oh easy easy. So he takes all his crew to the bar to explain to them that they shouldn't tell stories about how he's a homicidal drug king. You guys didn't realize that I didn't. Okay, just now you know. Now I have to tell you guys this kind of shit. Right. Also, just tiny moment, but it's one of the most magical in the entire movie. He has this moment where he goes, guys, yeah, guys, be cool. He leaves and he leaves his drink on the bar

and the actor was alone on camera for a second. So his friend leaves and he leaves his drink on the bar and the actor was alone on camera for a second so his friend reaches forward and finishes his drink and goes well I'm gonna finish his drink. It's a fantastic thing in Christian movies whenever an actor is left alone for 12 seconds they have to do some business. So this actor, and it was less just out the world, but they're in. Yeah, too, did he, did he drinks other people's drinks when they leave? It's so well. Not noticed that it was high.

I rag him. And so then we get to him, like kind of trying to explain himself after all the homicide stories or whatever where he admits that he has a past, because that's how time works. And my note on this was, I just like, I was like, this is bad acting just for taking a picture. Yeah, I wrote in my notes, Joe Rule is furiously thinking, sad face, moppy, sad, sad, puppy died, but I didn't kill it, other person killed, my puppy, I killed that mopapher.

Joe Rule, why are you ever gun, sorry, someone killed my puppy. So then we cut to them had a diner after this night at the club or whatever uh... where this movie move moved on to enhanced interrogation technique i just mean that this movie was by then unenhanced interrogation technique oh yeah john mccain spoke publicly in congress about not showing people this movie exactly exactly this stupidest fucking words ever written down Oh, yeah, John McCain spoke publicly in Congress about not showing people this movie. Yeah, exactly.

Exactly. The stupidest fucking words ever written down. So we get a tiny flash to the mom and I guarantee you there were four takes where she said the N word and then they finally got a thing. She literally turns to thought she wakes up. He goes, can you go to sleep and she goes, how can you go out when he's out with that that? And I'm like, oh, she's going to use it.

I can't. I'm going to tell about that, it's self-tax. Cut. I said N word that time. I said N word all the way out. I said, and I said, I said, you said, you're gonna get a monkey. Yeah. Jungle monkey. None of those words are bad. Jungle monkey. Fun. Fun words. I called him a dealer. I'm actually 184th Cherokee. So I can actually totally say the N word. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha character and I wrote in my notes you are dressed like a god damn free video from amateur allure why are you talking about the Bible corrupting good character yeah that's also where she tells him that if if they're gonna have relationship he needs to be willing to put Jesus in the center of it yeah which

would be plenty enough to get me the fuck out of that diner equally insane about Jesus you really start I started to really like him because he really puts up which would be plenty enough to get me the fuck out of that diner. Equally insane about Jesus. Really, you really start. I started to really like him because he really puts up with a lot of her shit, this whole movie. She just inserts that in there and he just kind of goes with the flow. This scene was so boring that I took this opportunity to look up their IMDB and I just want to point out the other movie this lady has been in was called Cutten Duh Mustard.

Wait, mustard? Mustard. Yes, cutten Duh Mustard. I bet they don't even know. I bet they don't even know. Too many people wrote that title, didn't even know. So now we cut to Stephen Baldwin doing more of that sinister looking that he does watching a charlotte like live out his life Looking like Don draper's puffy fucking weird brother or something like that Is he is he outside his house again at this point is he outside the diner where is he because he's he's he's he tails him everywhere

He's everywhere. He's he's on the same green screen that he's been in The beginning of the day they had to film with him. Steven, you have to come out of the van, man. We only get the rental for eight hours. I'm a method actor. I'm like Daniel Day Lewis. No, Daniel's good. You got to show him like a bad Daniel Day Lewis.

45 minutes just sitting in a car. Right. Yeah. 45 minutes not including the seven poop breaks Steven Baldwin obviously And then also we this is where we get him going to like his his big show He's a music producer. Yes, this is where we should mention that he produces a show He mentions multiple times that he is the producer of a show and I believe they pan up to the marquee of the show. His name is Miles Montigo and I believe it's Miles Montigo presents old school funk.

Old school funk. He's a funk producer apparently. He's the producer of a show called Old School Funk. Right and none of the bands are listed just his name. No, but apparently old school funk is so popular because there's this scene where he has to have a machine to count the money that he makes, bringing in ticket sales from old school. Millions of dogs. They made millions in cat in neat Chris pundries that everybody paid for everything. He says he's been out of his drug deal thing now for two years He's moved on to something that's much more lucrative and it is old school

They have to see it after they they showed collecting all that money together. Yeah, all that old school But there's so all their old school all that money together. Yeah, all that old school fun. There's so all their old school. Fuck down is old school funk. When he's in church and they pass around the basket and he's like, Oh, I got it. I got my old school funk money. Slaps down. Yeah, it's also this scene also cuts off with the the poorly dressed reservoir dogs. Oh, my gosh, there. Yeah. Oh, that yeah, that was a

great scene. Yeah, just carrying the briefcase of money with the crew. But the here's the only action here is they went from their office to like the parking lot. Yeah. That's all that happened. It's like a slow motion shot of him walking to the bathroom. Pretty great. Well, and then they cut straight to the next scene, which is them that nightstand at a hotel, where she's like, you are so amazing at being in that room and counting that money and that and putting it in a briefcase that was incredible. She's like I thought what school fun came together so well I'm so impressed. So then we give them shopping together and in case you were concerned that this might not be a horribly unhealthy relationship

we're gonna we're gonna really verify that with this scene. Right. They've just finished buying shoes that they like in every color. Yes, I was gonna say, don't remember this scene, but it's the one where they're in, what appears to be like a journey. Like a foot locker. We filled a gorilla style in a journey. And he says something like, hey, do you like these shoes? And she's like, yeah, I guess. And he's like, I'm going to get one in every, every cover, every color which when they walk out to the cartoons, that'd be three colors. Yeah.

Okay. We have brown and black. Great. It's an excessive old school funk lifestyle bought him three colors of the same color. It's pretty awesome. And they also run into some girl that he used to date or whatever, and she completely flips the fuck out over it. Yeah, but did you notice that woman's face? That was the strangest looking woman I've ever seen. And she also has some sort of a strange German accent

or something. She's like flat out the worst casting in the whole movie. And it's like, here one job is in this scene to be like, I used to date this character in the homosexual relationship. And she talks in German or something. You can't even understand what she's saying. Yeah, that's that's someone who like really spent some time with her acting coach and he was like, look, honey, you've got two lines in this movie,

but you're gonna steal the show. You're gonna speak like a 1920s Vymar princess. You're makeup's gonna look like you got designed for spirited away. And I don't want you to lose any weight for the film. I want you to gain 84 pounds. I want you to just pack it on.

You're like a linebacker for the green bag. We used it to wipe up spill coca cola just pack it on, you're like a linebacker for the green bag. We used it to wipe up still coca-cola. Makes no sense. So yeah, so she gets all door slammy and pissy and shit about that. Before they go to the next show where he has to go all gangster to save Jesse. Well, they, their fight is pretty much, it's like it happens and then it doesn't happen because she's like really mad and he's like, oh, you're mad because I fucked other women and she's like, yes, I am.

And then it's over. They have no talk about it. She gets over everything instantly. I assume he has one of those men in black laser things. Yeah, that he uses it at the end of each scene and they cut it from the final. He established from the cell phone at the table scene that that's her temperament. Right. It's not underwear.

Um, so yeah, so he shows up at this, at this old school func show and, and some guys are roughing up his boy Jesse. So he pulls out a gun gun fires it in the air goes all gangster and you know and she just does not like the idea of him committing felony said all that bitch she doesn't take it well at all and then they go they go to a hotel it doesn't say why they go to the hotel right well she knows he's a drug dealer but she apparently didn't expect there to be violence and guns involved in that line of work. And it's so weirdly cut that like he goes out, he's got two giant guns that he shoots in the air.

He's got two continuity air because he had one gun in his glove compartment and then he goes out there and all of a sudden he has like three guns. One in each of his three arms. One gun in his left hand and two guns in his right hand. Yeah, he's throwing down a little juggle there. Yeah. Uh, and so, but then they park in this place and she's so mad and scared. It's just so, it's so weird. It's just such a strange, no, it's just a strange, like I had written in my notes here, like the stupid has no solid floor.

Every time you think we've gotten it, it just caves out underneath you and written in my notes here like the stupid has no solid floor every time You think we've gotten it just caves out underneath you and you're like well, then why the fuck are we here now? Right and she goes she goes she's like mad at him and he goes I was just trying to diffuse the situation, you know, you know by pulling two guns And he has this briefcase full money he opens up this month this briefcase of his old his money from producing old school Fuck and he says something like why you think danger didn't come with all this old school fuck money He's like oh, I know But now she forgives him because it's been 12 seconds and they decide to pray together

I put down like the only way this scene can get stupider is with prayer so they pray. And this might have been one of those other prayers that doesn't resemble a prayer in any sense or form I hear because there's a lot of them but they yeah they do they do pray. Yeah, there's like seven prayers in this movie. It's hard to keep up. Three of them are actually prayers and four of them are weird just statements. What the fuck? Yes, exactly. That happened to involve Jesus. God, Mary had a little land.

Yeah, I want to say, yeah, talking about how good the food and the weather is. All right. Well, that's, if you're setting up for those of us that aren't Christian, maybe you want to watch this movie in the hopes of becoming Christian, you want to instruct us on what a prayer is, it is just talking about the weather and the climate. Apparently, that's all it takes, which is why it was so funny that the dumb ass from Christian Mingle couldn't get it right that whole time.

And because this is literally as much of this movie as I could take in one sitting, we're actually going to pause for another break right there, but before we do, I have to give the last half of the show the hard sell here. Will mom slip up and use the N word? Will Stephen Baldwin finally get to massage Jaw Rool's scrotum with his uvula? Will any of this ever love again after having seen this piece of shit? Find out the answer to these questions in more when we return for the exciting conclusion of, I'm in love with a church girl Hey, Miles Hey, man, I

Can't see you in a minute. What's up, G? Oh, you know Don't what we do. Let me holla at you. Do let me holla at you shoot my brother. Yo dog as a friend I see this relationship with this girl Vanessa moving too fast and too far away from your support network Not mean what you talking talking about, man. Listen, my eyes, we grew up together. We like brothers and a friendship and a relationship. Both both need to be able to float in the same ocean. You know what I mean?

I don't know, man. I feel like a part of every healthy friendship in life is watching a person grow. And sometimes that means growing apart. Friendship is forever doesn't make sense because who we were when we were friends isn't always who we grow up to be dog. You feel me? We are drug dealers. We deal drugs. And we're back for more and since this movie is just random collections of unrelated scenes anyway I don't really feel the need to send anything up so

when we last saw hero he was good looking and wealthy and now it's his uh... now it's his birthday i guess yeah they got him a gift and i just want to point out simultaneously in all of our notes when she has a mcgit all wrote i bet it's a bible and indeed and it's a Bible. And indeed, when is a Bible? It's a Bible also with size 24 font in it, because they frequently pan over to the Bible,

and it's like unlike a Bible you've ever seen. Yeah, it's like a children's illustrated Bible. Exactly. But Stephen Baldwin in the next scene is basically that scene from minority report where Tom Cruise can't stop doing drugs and looking at videos of his kids. He's basically doing that to Jowrull.

Run faster, keep your knees up. Keep your knees up, Jowrull. Keep your knees up. And then we cut over to him studying off his Bible in one of the most bizarre sideways cuts you'll at your feet. Right, which presupposes Jowrull's ability to read, which... Yeah, that's asking off the line The whole thing about this movie

But she's over in his house and he's making her dinner and he has this moment She has this moment where she goes so did you like the bible and it goes? I don't know baby. It's really not for me and the music of the scene literally goes of the scene literally goes BAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH wrong. Yeah. And this is where a moment where she says, the Bible says, baby, I don't want you to lose your soul. That's the words that she says. I know the Bible doesn't say that. Yeah. What is the line in this film? Baby, I don't want you, the Bible says, baby, I don't want you to lose this. And again, this is the 97th scene where we're just watching this uncomfortable Badly spoken couple have a weird sexy were friends and then not again fight like oh really oh really I'll stab you I love you. I love to stab you and you're like I don't know what's happening I need to call a hotline for someone and I think it's me

Do I jerk off? Do I stop it? Do I jerk off while stopping it? But of course, what we really learned in this scene when she says, well, why don't you want to go to church of all the wonderful answers he could have given. He says, God don't want people like me in his church. And then she's in love with him. Yeah, then she's really relieved.

And she said something. She says something like, oh, then she's really relieved and she said something. She says something like, oh, I was hoping it was going to be something different or something like drug related? Yeah, she keeps, he's already told her he was a drug dealer and that was his past. And so she keeps being relieved every time. Like, she's going to, oh, man, I thought you were going to bring a problem of evil or, you know,

the mustard seed conflict. But, hey, as long as it's just that you don't think you're good enough to be part of this book full of slavery and rape Then don't worry we've been we've been good to some black people that's fine for years. We got that So they go to church and on the way in they have this bizarre scene where this guy shows up in a Lamborghini dressed all in white and if you just saw this scene you would assume that he and Ja Rule were falling in love because it's the same music and the same slow motion as the first time he sees Vanessa. Yeah, absolutely. Like a miles doesn't know who he is yet, but he definitely gets locked into like this Luigi Mario Kart ice-skilled Sometimes you see a man in all white wearing an all white Yankee hat and you just need to fuck him General knows what I'm talking about

Looks like turtle from entourage with a touch of the downs. Yeah, right. It's just a little moment, but we then cut into church and it's one of those mystical churches where everyone's like, oh, happy day, blah, blah, blah. But if you look at this scene, if you watch this movie along with us, which you must watch this movie along with us, It's a gift from God. Some people that are worried about spending money on movies, this entire movie has been uploaded by two separate people on YouTube for free in its entirety. So it is a free movie.

But at the very beginning of the church scene, when straight to Thumb Drive, we cut to this fat lady in the very front row. There's a fat white woman. She's literally taking up two chairs. Everyone around her is clapping in one rhythm. She is clapping in the entire other. I remember looking at that being like, man, that woman's a shitty clap. What kind of church is this that you have such a shitty clapper like that? The entire film is worth it just to watch whatever Mama June snuck in the back for filming that day. It's so clear that, yeah, it's really impossible to tell. So they never, you know, they do this very purposely.

They don't mention what sort of Christian domination anybody belongs to. They don't mention what church it is. And when you look in the church, that sort of fits because it's like they have people that look like they're from sister act, they have Catholics, they have people that look like they can't clap, and people from antelir people that look like they walked out of that Christian hot topic, like it's impossible to tell anything about this church. Yeah, keeping it as vague as they possibly can.

And of course, then there's the humorous moment where he puts way too much money in the collection plate. Yeah, it's his old school funk money. Yeah, right. And guys, we know at churches hate it when you put too much money in the collection bag, by the way, it's not a plate, it's like a cloth, it's like a magician's change bag. That's the only way. And now your money changes into a blue scarf. Yeah. And then, okay, so then we got maybe my least favorite scene in the, okay,

my second least favorite scene in the whole movie, which is where we, where he meets the pastor, who is apparently the guy who is dressed in all white driving a Lamborghini earlier. That's the writer of the movie also, by the way. So he goes up to the pastor and he goes, Hey, man, you don't look like a pastor. And the pastor has a moment where he goes, Bible doesn't say anything about style being a sin. And I just want to point out the Bible has a ton about preachers not being rich and wearing

like there you couldn't find it might as well be like bible doesn't say anything about not fucking dudes well but it literally spends way more time the bible does telling you that pre-pastor should not be wealthy than it does telling you you should not fuck dudes that's the only good thing that the New Testament is clear about. They're very clear and he has a Lamborghini that's behind him this whole scene. I must be like a million dollars or something. Well, and I'm thinking of myself the whole time. I'm like at least drug dealers provide a genuine community service.

They are selling a thing. Yeah. Well, and then we really start to emphasize how little they know about how cops work because then we cut to Stephen playing with his ball again. He's got a stress ball, guys. That's what I'm talking about. Right. It's supposed to be like Baldwin piecing it all together at this point.

And it's ridiculous. The conversation went something like this that he's listening to, these two drug dealers in the car. It's like, hey, you got that illegal drug money. It's like, yeah, it's right here. 125 grand cash. Just like he said, to buy illegal drugs. And your name's Mark. And Baldwin's like, yeah, it's right here 125 grand cash just like he said to buy Illegal drugs and your name's Mark and Boltman's like a gum

Where's his cop show where he just sits outside of an SVU site while people rape each other my name is Andy I think we might be able to put together a case here. So now we get to my absolute least favorite favorite scene of this movie. This is where they're sitting around and they decide to talk. She's asking him if he's ready to like give over his life to Jesus or whatever it is that they do. And he brings up the problem of evil and a lot of questions. This is my favorite scene.

Yeah, that's like I said, it's my least favorite favorite scene by far. He not only brings up the problem of evil He also brings up the difference of religion problem. Yeah, this is the first time anyone in any of these movies has been like well You know, Muggles are pretty sure they're right too. What do you say to that? And Literally, it's also the best answer of any Christian movies she She goes, she goes, how did that make you feel? And he goes, bad and she goes, all right, the scene's open now.

That's it. That's it. He says, you know, like, why would God let rape and war and stuff happen? And she's like, well, clearly, you've been given this a lot of thought. I'm like, no, no, no, no, four-year-olds defeat your theology with that question.

That takes the minimal, allowable amount of thought to still call, that's minimal allowable amount of thought to still call it That's like a quanta of thought that it takes to fucking point that out and then yeah, their answer is fade to black Her answer is so he's saying something like listen. There's these two major world religions and you know Both these monotheistic religions that come from different places and by gosh I just can't reconcile these two books and she just goes you're gonna have to figure that out and that's it you're gonna have to figure that out. Will the Cape Crusader be lowered slowly into the lava pit? He brings up when he's talking about the Quran. He actually brings up the Quran's science of apologetics like he's like and then I heard the sky of talking about the Quran about how it predicted things that science didn't even know and I'm like

Oh my god We're gonna get way to the clouds of politics in here. We're gonna get the single dumbest shit that religious people have ever said They don't quite get there, but they teased me with that. I was getting excited I was I was at least half hard. That is however that is the greatest counter apologetic we've are the the greatest apologetic we've ever heard in any of the movies which is just a character looking another character and going well you're gonna have to figure that out like preferable. Oh for the end of this movie you're supposed to figure it out. You're the movie. Am I?

Oh fucking crazy. She's like, excuse me, I have to find a dress that does not cover my vagina all the way. I've got three more scenes in this movie. But that's okay. And then give a church and then go to a club and film at the same location. and then good with clubs film at the same location as the A headquarters. And now what, now it's Christmas time. Would anyone care to guess what he got mom for Christmas? Anyone, anyone at all? Sandals! And I swear this is how bad, because they clearly had a minimum number of mentions of sandals.

And at the very end of the scene, mom just goes, sandals, sandals and at the very end of the scene mom just goes sandals Sandals you know to get the last three hours Johnson's word Sandals lawyers watching this you know movie are checking up All right, we got six. We got six I wanted her to say into a mirror and sandals appears behind you. Yeah, right Also, there's it's just a tiny moment, but Miles Dad, who we met two scenes ago, says, you have three daughters and they're all

beautiful. A man must spend a lot of time on his knees to have daughters that beautiful. It's like, are you assuming it was all doggy style? What the hell does that mean? He says, says oh you got three beautiful daughters You must need to go to church or something. It's just yeah, it really is strange It makes no sense. Well, but he give wraps the blowjob jokes because he really says a man like you has to spend a lot of time on his knees Yeah, was it my version or did he then wink at the camera and go you're welcome Eli?

then wink at the camera and go, you're welcome Eli. That's true. You can trick with that. You guys interpreted that in a less godly way that I know. That's something I hear quite often. So then we cut over two miles, you study in the Bible, but all them hos be calling constantly. Oh yeah, I love that scene where there's like five people calling him at once. Yeah, he's trying to study this like size 72 font Bible and having like a tough time. Right, page per word Bible. And he's also, he's, each picture of the women gets more seductive. Like the first picture is just like a girl waving.

And then the fifth picture is just a spread pussy Tanya And then so we cut again this scene serves no purpose like all of the scenes But we cut right from them from there to him reading her one of the porney parts of the of the bible Yeah, song of Solomon. Yeah, which yeah, and and he reads this really like really sexy passage and she's like I'm sure they were talking about a married couple and I'm like you can check Super they're super duper duper not married. You're the movie You I said my notes are filled with which one of us are the movie I my notes are filled with which one of us are the movie

That's your joke Your moment is where you go. Oh, they're not married, but Fuck you you better figure that out black You could just cut that scene Yeah, you don't have to bring up the problem of evil of the fact that the Bible has Yeah, you don't have to bring up the problem of evil of the fact that the Bible has porn in it. Yeah, there's no requirement here She's not gonna fuck him because she's they're not biblically wet, you know, she's not his slave or right of his brother Why would you when you had eight separate bedrooms? Exactly, it's just a waste of bedrooms really so we have to go take a cold shower and

So great where he's like he goes right, I just want to drop it. Like, it's like this weird scene where he's not, as much as he was in character, he's not in character, and he goes, I just want to drop this and it cuts to take this cold shower. Yeah. It's so weird, because a movie which doesn't involve pre-marital sex still managed to be a little bit rapey.

Yeah. Either we owe it some congratulations for that. Baratol sex still managed to be a little bit rapy. Yeah, either. We owe it some congratulations for that. But also, like, how are they, like, isn't this movie supposed to be convincing people that they should be Christian? So they're like, yeah, you could be a Christian and then you'll never get laid. I mean, how is this, who are they selling this to? And he's been so hot and horny after reading this, King, this song.

Yes, all of his children's illustrated Bible that he has I so want the children's illustrated version of song of songs holy shit should be a pop up yeah definitely Paul this tab and then put it back in and then pull it back out and then put it back in take your time take your time it's all about rhythm I wear that episode of Veggie Tales

alright now draw it out someone is gonna email it to me perfect I wear that episode of Veggie Tales. All right, now draw that on the stage. Someone is going to e-mail us, you know. It's perfect. Not with your fingers, silly. So, yeah, so he's frustrated, so he goes to hang out at the club. His buddy's like, hey, Miles, how you doing? He's like, man, I need a vacation, and I so expect them to say, perhaps that would have sandals minifined all inclusive resorts.

And then his miles have a therapy contestant with his friends that like, expect them to say perhaps that would have sandals many fine all inclusive resorts what he did I and then his miles have a therapy Concentration with his friends that like hey man. I just want you know, I feel really distant from you I'm a drug dealer Express my emotions healthily because I feel like a relationship and a friendship A both both that need to be able to sail on the same ocean. You know what I mean? I'm a murderer. I'm a murderer human. I really get deep and templated in that scene and really sweet and yeah.

Yeah, so this is and this is also of course the him getting tempted by the devil in the form of a hot chick that wants to drag him off off camera to send somewhere. To whisper in his ear. Yeah, right, that's what's going on. And of course, she, Vanessa, just happens to be driving by that club to check up on them in the middle of this incredibly unhealthy relationship. You know, and also she walks in, and this sexy woman

is just kind of whispering something, maybe about the Bible. We don't know. She's certainly not. And she gets all pissed off and huffs, it leaves in a huff of the club, you know. Yeah, and then she's sitting in her car and she's going, why, Miles, why? And I'm like, why would you want to put your P and a V?

I can explain that to you if you'd like. Where is Steven Baldwin sitting out? She's just head shakes. Steven Baldwin sitting out there? She just had chicks. Stephen Baldwin. He's in the car crying too. Wow, my life. How does this stress fall? Throw in stress balls back and forth between the cards.

Yeah, right, right. And because it's not corny enough, it fucking starts to rain. Yeah, it starts to rain on her sea brain. Yeah. And speaking of corny, this is also now the next scene is where we learn that Miles' mother has sickness dying illness disease. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. And won't make it for very long. Wicked case of the disease virus, sadly. Yep. That's all they say about it too. I mean, it's like you could have just said cancer. Right well here's the crazy thing they go your mother's been sit he goes how is this possible?

She's been fine. He goes no you know how your mom feels about doctors Her answer was always there's an aspirin for everything and it's like oh so this woman's dying of cancer because To go to the doctor Why would you add that in the movie just have her her not have found it. It's like the dialysis guy from last week. Yeah. Come on, Christian. Just take your goddamn meds. Yeah, like you don't need that much runway. It's just like, she didn't know. That's all you need to say. No, no, no. She had a very preventable cancer that could have been treated. She was in cancer pain She took aspirin. She just like Steve Jobs in that way

Also this movie has so little continuity because remember that big fight they had 30 seconds ago No, they never talk about it He never talk about it. I'm getting... Emma! No! And... It's not important. This movie would make Fellini raise his hand and be like,

I am so sorry, what the fuck is going on? I am a totally lost. I'm trying to put it in a full image, just to give some continuity. It should be Fellini! I need you to have your flip-fl versions. It's these friend drug dealers. Yeah. Then he jumps into a star and he's immortal. Yeah, exactly.

Exactly. And he's like sitting in the hospital or the waiting room talking to her and he's like, I just feel guilt, shame, confusion. And she's like, yeah, that's just the Christianity kick in. And it's basically that till you die, bro, and 10% of your income. So then we cut to the heart to heart dying

Conversation between Vanessa and Miles mom. Yeah, where she engages them. Yeah, I need you to do something Take care of my house because he's so handsome and rich His skin's like burned copper And his tongue is soft, but with the strength of a finger. And then she dies and also is the briefcase from pulp fiction. Yes, she's dead and glowing takes her wild to die though like in terms of dying montages Which are usually a little more exciting than this?

It's just him resting on different corners of her hospital bed that they stretch out for like three. Oh no That's the other that's less later on That's a lady. Yes, this stupid fucking movie going to make you keep track of at least two him sitting next to a woman in the hospital. Yeah, and right when the mom died, I wrote in my notes, okay DMX, you have 90 minutes to sum up the Bible. The movie. Run off.

Jesus. Well, many times. Go and give it to you. And now funeral. funeral. But this is the most important scene in the movie. Well, many times, go and give it to you. And now, funeral. Funeral. But this is the most important scene of the movie.

This is the scene of the movie that made me laugh. Literally, I had to stop the movie and cry laugh for genuinely, I don't laugh a lot, but I genuinely laugh for about four and a half minutes. They cut to miles at his mother's funeral and he is wearing the most absurd pair of sunglasses. You've ever seen Elton John would have been like, darling, take it down. If there's one reason to watch this movie, it is simply to watch the absolutely absurd sunglasses that Jauru obviously insisted on wearing this. Yeah, he looks like Audrey Hepburn, breakfast at Dividi's or something.

Yeah. It's got a cigarette holder, giant loms, ridiculous. And of course, then we also get the makeup scene between Miles and Vanessa's mom, who has been a racist bitch to him the whole time. But she's decided not to do that at his mother's funeral which was nice of her right she sits down she's like miles your mother was a beautiful woman skin like a right plum tasted like dust in moonlight all right bye and then she just fucking walks away yeah and but you know she basically says like I know I've been so so racist to you But I'm gonna try to pull back on how You're morning

But I have these crimes statistics. I want you to look Even though you people only make up a certain part of the population You make up more than as you can see stop and frisk brought down crime noticeably in New York. And then so she's coming out they're going to go on a date together. She's wearing this red dress which is the least attractive thing we've seen her in in my opinion but it was the most porny shot that they got over I guess. Yeah. And basically he he brings her to a date she's blindfolded and for her birthday he bought her a plane. I guess I am too much of a clear. It's not clear.

The way that when you watch this scene and you interpret what he got her for her birthday, it appears to just be a full-on plane. Yeah, $50 million worth of airplane. Because she opens her eyes and she goes, oh my god and she runs towards the plane. She opens her eyes and she goes, oh my god, and she runs towards the plane. And at this point, like, he's established just having trillions of dollars from a company. He's got his drug deals and producing a lucrative popular old school funk lady, where people pay in hundred dollar bills. And she just runs toward the plane and you're like, okay, well as an audience of this movie, I accept that this is the reality is that he bought her this privately chartered

plane because it never shows where the plane goes. They're sitting in this plane in the next scene and it's just so customary in movies that if you get in a plane, you have that plane go to a destination. There's a go to a plane. Yeah. You know, in the middle of the puzzle Robert Redford is like, he did me more get in this plane. And then it shows where they're going. Well, yeah, when they come out, they're out.

Yes. Yes. There are different place from where they got on to the plane. It's the point of a plane. I don't think I'm saying that too strong. They really didn't get the plane mechanism right in this movie. Also I just want to point out, and this is a personal note, but I want to share it. The meanest thing that my fiance has ever said to me was said during this movie, because

it's her birthday and that's why he's proposing to her. And as I'm watching this movie with my fiance, my fiance turns to me and goes, huh, you and Jaw Rule have the same taste and when it's time to propose. So, then one has a couch I can crash on or anything. We have some distance. Yeah.

You don't compare me to Jaw Rule. There are rules and relationships. They're a life that can't be crossed. Yeah. Things that can't be unsaid. And of course, Stephen Baldwin wants to know what's going on with this here, arrow plane thing. So he goes to the... He goes to wherever they departed,

which is never clear where this plane is. The person who works at the front of the hanger for the plane and then oh my gosh what is his great line she says this is confident and he says that's okay I'm mr. confidence that's exactly that's like a thing it's like it's like a thing it's the worst thing in the movie. It was the moment when the author killed himself and then the third author. I assume that this was like the ring,

like every time someone got this script, they had a week and then they killed themselves and eventually got named. That's when that guy killed himself. I will pay any amount of money if I ever get my hands in the original script. That page has blood on it. Sure, if I remember correctly correctly he's wearing the same sunglasses that John

Rule wore at his mother's funeral. That would be amazing. This is when this is when sunglasses hot sponsorship picked up where sandals left up. I can only imagine what it was like to be in the fucking writer's room when they came up with that line. Doodle-y-do doodle-y-do doodle-lidoo, do-lidoo, do-lidoo. She says, I'm sorry sir, but that's confidential and then he says, it's okay, I'm Mr. Confidential you know and he'll take out his badge. Hey man.

Uh yeah. That's literally the worst line anyone has ever written. Yeah. It doesn't make any sense. It's not funny. It's not funny. It's not meaningful. Not really. This entire movie we've written is nonsense.

And the best possible thing we could do with this script are to roll it up real tight, shove it up our asses, and light it on fire. Just let it burn us from the inside out and cleanse the earth of these words and the people who wrote them yeah I mean do you want to do this coke or not I do I do very much so please and and so yeah let's let's get to this proposal here now he's they're flying

in the plane and he's like staring out at the sun and he's like, I see God because I stared into the sun for a long time and it fucks with you or something like those Portuguese people. I see. So here's my favorite weird logistical part about this scene is that they're both sitting on opposite sides of the plane because it's a small plane with their own windows and he says, baby come over here and look out this window And he says I see God, but like she could have looked out her window Like it's God in the same sky like he acted like God was just in that one air-conditioned

and then we see the diamond and the DREAM is everything you ever wanted it to be first of all it's not an engagement ring it's very clearly not an engagement ring strange costume jewelry ring yeah that he pulls out which is bizarre looking it's a joke that someone pulled for their

Halloween costume of Liberace. That's exactly what it looks like. Yeah, it's a clear colored ring pop. Yeah, it looks like it could be a ring pop. And her response is, Heath, you have the best note about this, Heath. What is her response to the proposal? her response is Ain't no question. Will you marry me and the response is ain't no question as in Sean enough, Maniga I'm going to carve that quote on my chest with a goddamn knife. I literally I laughed until I saw a spot. That's insane. That is literally true. I had to pick up my headphones afterwards.

There was no way they were gonna stay on my head through that. I needed like a good seven minutes of recovery time after she said, ain't no question there. Ain't, she says it's so genuine. Ain't, she doesn't say it quick. She's not like, ain't no question quick she's not like ain't no quatch She's like ain't no it's the frankly my dear. I don't give a damn. It's her Oscar moment I mean there's not a better way you could have pulled off that line. I'll give her that right and it's like should I you know

I have a slight a no question, but she Really made Right, and it's like, should I, you know, I haven't seen any of the question, but she really made it. She made it. Take that buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo. And so of course, now we have to cut to the montage of his boys getting busted. And this is the closest to real filmmaking that they ever came to say, that sort of scrolling shot. Yeah, can I introduce the scene? The DA is Busting Miles Drug Crew and it's

like you say it's like a rail shooter video game situation. It just keeps panning to the right. Never so often a drug dealer pops up and they're like, I see you there. I saw you. I saw you. I saw you. I saw you. I saw you. I saw you. I'm about to be busting all of his buds. Is that up until this point, your lead to believe that they are they are tailing in this whole time because they're building a case against him they're gathering evidence to to you know build a case but the last scene was just them outside of his mother's funeral and Stephen Baldwin being like I don't know if I'm into this case and the very next scene is just them having enough evidence somehow to bust like five guys. Yeah.

And look, and we have to watch all five of these busts, but they're exactly the same. They're talking about it. They're walking around and like four cops bust out and say freeze and then grab him. And also by the way, the camera lingers too long because like at one point like the cop doesn't know what you're supposed to do with the guy's arms, one sees froze and he's trying to like try to work all that out. but they actually show us that exact scene five times so I said they almost got into filmmaking but not quite here. Do I hug him?

Do I hug him? I punch him in the tummy a bunch of times. I was on base. I was on base. Damn it. So then they have the post bail meeting again the the lack of knowledge about anything criminal in the real world comes through when they're like where miles is like what were you charged with and they all go oh many charges crimes of a

crime in nature and then they said we could go if we told them you were a crime. I wanted so bad for him to just pull out two guns and just blow all of those motherfuckers away at that point. I want Miles to murder these people. I would be so good. And then he just could joke around them. They never talk about it again. I don't know if you guys remember specific word that the DA told them was they said miles they said that we could get off if they told us something quote juicy about you. Yes. He's got a massive tongue. Like it sounded like a middle school sleepover. And then he talks to the next fellow. He's like, oh man,

do you want to talk juicy on you? The juice is awesome. And I wouldn't give him any gossip so now what I'm doing here is we're on bail. T-Dome trying to make goss work. Yeah. And there's a great quote in this scene. He goes, this ancient Macdanne, I've got it real bad for you.

Because you so handsome. I wanted to be like, because you so handsome and tall. And well, but yes, if Miles had murdered these people like the end of the wire, it would have been absolutely amazing. But no, they also have a collective bail. Like, isn't it cosy? Yeah. You arrest people that there's a one bail for each person. It'd be get for for the price of one. Yes, but they said five of us together have a $5,000 bail. And you're just like okay You know, it's like all right. Yeah, I was like well. What do you want me to do?

And they're like I would do pay that yeah Just like all right. I'll work on is this scene gonna be in the movie? Yep Every scene is gonna be in the movie and because the melodrama is not ramped up enough now Vanessa just randomly gets in a car accident. And I wrote in my notes, please let her come out of this accident retardate. I just want the rest of the movie to be like, you know what Vanessa, I really love you. You know what, Mad Job Rule?

Hey, no, he's James Miles. Bap, bap, bap, bap. That's... One first, two first, red first, Jesus. How would you even know with this actress? She's got her dressing inside out in the next scene. It's still a super sexy dress, but it's backwards. So her tits are hanging on.

She's just like, I want sex dress. But none for you. And the part where they explain what happened to her and the car accident, so they all go to the hospital. They all meet at the hospital. Vanessa's family is there. I think his dad is there. And this doctor comes out and says something like, tries to say a bunch of weird medical conditions that may or may not have been, that could physically be caused in a car crash. You just sort of name some weird conditions.

Contusions, vibrations, summer complains, bruises, upset. Angles or bones are at angles. But this couldn't get crazier because then she turns to the doctor and he's like, we've done everything he can and he goes, you need to do more! And more than you can. He yells at the doctor to do extra surgery, and I wanted so bad that if the doctor would go in

and be like, oh, I'm totally doing this other surgery, I didn't think of, yeah. I wanted him to give her like a nose job or a breast reduction therapy there, okay. And did more surgery, mother of a girl. So this is where he has his crisis of faith, which really doesn't make sense because the whole time he was with Vanessa

and she asked her how his faith was going. He was just kind of like, all right, I'll work on it. She's like, all right, you figure it out. Like he's not at this point. Like he would have had to have really high stakes to get his upset as he did. But no, he does.

He freaks out. I wrote in my notes at this point, as a joke, have really high stakes to get his upset as he did but no he does he gets and I wrote my notes at this point as a joke miles should probably go talk to God about this personally but guess what he does he goes and he has the craziest God conversation of any of the movies we've ever seen the best monologue I haven't seen these are Christian movies but I don't think that you could top the monologue. Oh no. He's threatening a stank. He is very clearly physically threatening a stank last night.

So after he yells at the doctor and tells the doctor that he's angry at God and that doctor, the doctor needs to use his science to supplant God. He says, I got someone I gotta go see. Walks out. They don't say where he is after this. But somehow the hospital grounds has a 40 foot tall stained, oversized stained glass portrait of Jesus. Or he just wandered down to the nearest church and started yelling it. Yeah, it was one of those two. I was doing that.

It's like a Jesus warehouse church, though. Like this was a almost like overblown fun house size. It's true. Like, like, thing of, I've never seen anything like that on a church. Like if somebody ever tried to build that in the church, the church would be like, no, why would you put it? I, a huge, a portrait of Jesus that was that huge and cartoonish. Oh, giant.

And also, he's not doing anything Jesus-y. He's like, split out eating grapes in the picture. He's not like, good. Yeah, no. I I was gonna ruin the joke by pointing out that he's praying I know exactly what he's praying. Yeah in the picture I you never get it cuz he's too busy like right yeah, like trying to shove it You ready to go you ready to go looks like it's Mao Zedong or like Kim Jong-un You ready to go looks like it's Mao Zedong or like Kim Jong-un It's yes like he's a brain to dear leader or something

His exact quote to this stained glass window is quote you want to send me to hell book the flight That's the same speech that Jesus himself said when he Because it's giving this whole thing. He's like, he's like, you got a beef with me, you leave everyone else out of it, and you deal with me. You know, and that's kind of a Christ-like thing where Jesus himself- Yeah, notice he doesn't do the same thing

when it comes time for his buddies to get busted later in the movie, but- No, I do want to point out, because you might not be as familiar with these as we are, but yelling at God is like the singing fat lady of Christian movies. It cannot end until someone is yelled at God. I imagine that there's many scenes where you would have somebody standing before cross or in a church or at the sky yelling straight at God. I'm not surprised at that at all. This one though, when I was thinking about, I mean, it's so special, first of all because of the

high angle, you know, it's like if you want to show somebody shouting at God and you want to portray that he's shouting up, you might do a high angle for that shop, but this is like real high angle. Like this is like he's craning his neck, high angle. You feel really bad. You're like, oh, lower that crane. He's gonna break his neck, you know? But he gets the whole monologue out, which is a true feat.

He's a profession. Oh, it's a beautiful. He like works through it. Beautiful monologue. Remember that scene from Cool Hand Luke where he's like love me hate me kill me Just let it's just like that Jowrool is like a modern day Paul Newman. It is gorgeous. Oh Heath I wish you were the first one to say that I wish you were the first one to say

So so then of course we get miles getting busted Sort of and it's my go mad sin again. Yeah So then of course we get miles getting busted, sort of. And it's Michael Madsen again. Yeah, the only other scene he's in. Got back from filming his Quintarantino movie for that year and went back in real quick. The guy who was in this car with Stephen Baldwin up in the clown.

Which is very... So then we cut to the interrogation room from the Matrix where they've got him chained down. And Stephen Baldwin says, and I quote, let's see what you're made of. And I was sure he was about to yank down his pants after that. I was certain everything we'd learned about this character up till now suggested that's where we were going. But no, he instead gets interrogated by like two IRS nerds trying to make tax loss and menacing some of that. You know how the IRS can arrest people?

No, no, they can't do that. You know how the IRS can interrogate people? Nope, can't do that either. Yeah, don't worry, take your ass. Carey's guns. Yeah, don't worry, Ted Cruz is gonna get rid of that whole department. Oh, Russ gone.

And part of education too. All confess, I just totally spaced out because he gets to avoid and see where he just starts talking about his accountant to these two guys that don't really have any legal authority to arrest him or interrog, they want to talk to him about the drug charges. Right. And the best moment is they turn their big piece of evidence that they have for him is they show him a check he wrote to his friend. And the check literally has a giant stamp that says IRS on it. It's like this is a stamp.

The IRS people, agents, use in their day to day jobs It's like the size of like thores gout Well, and his like his like yelling back thing is so stupid because he's like you know If you want to charge me with you arrest me then do it and I'm like your handcuffed right now They came to you. You are clearly already arrested. You're clearly under arrest. Yeah. Also, there's a great moment.

Steven is watching this happen through the window. Yes. And he goes, make me believe you. And that will haunt my nightmares forever. If someone could just make that into a gift so that I can never sleep again, if I ever need to. But at the time, he says that it's a weird point in their questioning. I think where he's like,

Hey, what about your finances? You know what? I have a, you know, I count on the hands, I was supposed to my stuff and he takes a 15% commission, but it's fine. And then see what was making me believe. Make me believe that you have an accountant. Yeah. What? Also, I just want to point out, the agents in this scene are wearing identical shirts and tides. And I'm not sure if this is true, but it seems to me they look so much like the guy who had been in the car with Steven Baldwin this whole time.

It seems to me like they switched up Michael Madsen and just took that guy in a wee cast and has one of these interrogators because I think it might have been the same guy. And those were the two most rail-thin human beings that have ever appeared on camera outside of a feed the children commercial. Yeah, I just imagine the four children going, no, I'm sorry, two, you know, no UA 11 pounds, that's gonna be too much for this scene. Yeah, I guess they just had to emphasize the fact that IRS guys are like geeks that get sand kicked in their face.

Yeah, and you have any Jewisheks that get sand kicked in their face. And we have many Jewish men who've been raised in their basement and let out. Yeah, like that's what they look like. So then we cut over to the hospital again, and at this point I wrote my notes, I can make it another 17 minutes. I know I can. I know I can. Yeah.

So that he can pray over the last story. He left a long story. 17, are you sure 17? Oh, I am saying it to yourself. Not doing it. I can make it 17 minutes. Oh, you're so beautiful. I'm sorry, it's because you're so...

You didn't say you were going to move. That's what happens when they wake up during. There we go. So, earn some explicit tag. So, Miles is praying to God next to Vanessa who's in a coma. And I guess he prayed for an R&B coma montage because that happens. Yes, he got it too, yeah. And also, by the way, she moves several times during the scene.

Is that how that works when you're in a, can you move around your bed when you're in a coma? Yeah. So she, so when they're asking the doctor, what happened to her? And he says different things about her body. You expect that when you see her in her condition, that it would reflect what the doctor said happened to her. But the

only thing that indicates that she should be in any sort of bad state is that first of all she does have an oxygen tube in her nose so it's okay she can't breathe. She has the most enormous bandage. A-sbandage. It's like a turn. It's like a turn. We're wrapped around her forehead. What weird car accident was she in? It's like she just got blown up by Wiley Coyote. My music note for this scene is Ja Rule just finished praying over his bread-brained dead fiancé because that's the craziest thing I could think of. My music note on this one was now that she's comatose. He's finally gonna get him some

Poor man's very white that they were playing right? Yeah, no, it was like a royalty-free Boys to men or yeah Yeah, exactly And then so he hangs out and prays for a whole montage So he hangs out and prays for a whole montage. A little schmooly high harmony. Right. Yeah, so the montage is it takes a long time for anything happen. So he gives this prayer, first of all, that he has decided this point after screaming

at that jumbo-tron Jesus thing that he's going to leave it in God's hands and that he hopes that she wakes up, but he gets that it's God's decision whether she wakes up. And then for like three minutes, it's this weird waiting montage where it just sort of jumps around and you have this fade transition where he's just laying his head on different parts of her hospital bed, waiting for her to wake up.

She moves in many of those things like she will switch positions like from sleeping on her right side to her left. And he's in every conceivable position on her in this month. He planks on her. He does a handstand. He's in plow position at one point, down down the facing dog here. Is that at one point she has like a white sheet over her? And at one point they change and it's just a white beach towel that's laid over. That they've changed and she's in. So this happens for like a long time and then finally he's like on the hospital bed sleep like spooning her which can't can't have

been good for her and not with the severe head trauma no it's like this it's like why are you putting so much pressure on this woman's chest that you know isn't a coma and can't breathe or whatever but he didn't work I guess because he can't get up yeah well and then he wakes up and he's guy or she wakes up a little bit and he goes everybody She's awake and like 26 people come up Yeah, they're running in the entire We're almost done

That whole montage scene there was not a single nurse or doctor that went into there It's like this woman's in a coma. Why hasn't a nurse come into this room for 28 hours, you know Why hasn't a nurse come into this room for 28 hours, you know? So we cut to them back at church and she's totally recovered. There was no recovery once you wake up from a coma Oh, yeah, you're like with a headband and stuff big she better Not have any hair. I'd be really have lacerations under there. I wrote my notes Someone should tell Vanessa that they make dresses that cover your shoulders But it's okay. It's the She's back into her old war church going wardrobe, right? Yeah, the preacher's giving a sermon about how

Fantastic it was that he gave Vanessa the car crash He later made her better from yeah, right. Sorry. No wait. Just the good part the good part God God be the glory. He is so good at making doctors that will later take care of you Right, and then he has of course this great moment where he reads the past from the Bible Where he's like remember when the Bible says today is the day for salvation and I'm like yeah That's the next sentence is because the world's gonna end. Yeah, tomorrow. Don't write that. But Jaw Rule takes that as a sign that it's his time to kneel before the Lord.

And my music note is Jaw Rule would like to kneel before the Lord. And the cool thing about that is that they could not be more on the fucking nose. So yeah, he stops up to be a full member of the call. And it also, it might be giving them too much credit to think that this was like a purposeful. They're trying to show what mental state Vanessa is after having this huge car crash that bandaged her head with the bandage that big. But the the pastor says, does anybody want to get out of their seat and walk up to the stage and do a religious ritual? So, Jarrol rises from his seat and Vanessa turns to him and says, where are you going? Yeah, right. He's like, I'm fucking going to the stage.

To the fucking store, what is the same lady? I got a phone call. I'm allowed to leave it on. Well, doesn't she also do like a Hitler salute? She does Vanessa does a zig-high on her. She very clearly. She deals down. She very clearly does. She's trying to do a like praise the Lord thing,

but that actress doesn't know about Jesus. Because her movie history consists of cutting to mustard. Yeah, right. So she just does the Hitler saloon. She's like, I feel like this is wrong, but it's okay. But we don't just gonna catch anything. Jesus, I'm gonna make it happen. So now if you recall, this whole movie started in a prison with letters being delivered. So now we finally going to bring it all full circle and get back to that prison and of course they left you with the feeling in this entire movie that it was him that was in prison this whole time but apparently he is never going to pay for any of the wrongs that he's done oh what a twist ending i love these i love when they do that

and i should have jailed the whole time. So he ends up deciding that he's going to follow in this pastor's footsteps, answer his call and become a pastor himself. And he's giving this speech and a constant voiceover. And it shows his buddies who they never resolved. It's the last time he talked to his buddies, they said, we collectively five people have a mail put on us. Can you please pay the bail and get us out? And he, because he didn't figure out how cell phones worked at this point in movie, either said, yeah, yeah, sure, I'll take care of it. Moose his cell phone back to his ear. And that's the last time you ever hear him talking to his buddies, right? No, it's even worse than that because we get to see him immediately after that when they

all say like yeah all we would have to do is say anything at all about all the criminal activities you've been involved in and none of us would have to go to jail. And then the next scene is them? That is jail! Yes! We know how to turn it over. All they want for us to pay this collective bail is something juicy on you and we didn't give anything juicy on you. So they're in jail. Yeah, so they're

fucking in jail, but this jail has the best basketball court ever seen because they are so happy they're out there. They're pretty excited. Basketball like it's a very working on his basketball league with like sweet basketball hoops and that's how they chose to show his buddies time in jail is that they just happen to be in a really cool basketball league. Well they show his buddies time in jail and then he says stakes on me baby love and respect and blessings Miles yeah, and that's the end of the movie well no no not quite not quite because then we cut to three years later Always he's become a preacher. Yeah now this was to me

This was where the whole like Shyamalan ending really did come together for me because it occurred to me that this movie the writer of this movie Is the preacher guy in the white hat in the Lamborghini that's the guy who wrote this movie he was writing his own story so keep in mind that when all of these all of these lines about how handsome and intelligent he was and how big is this this was a guy writing his own story it's even more ridiculous than you thought. That's pretty amazing. I love that theory. So then, so the movie ends, and today we're going to talk about change, and then there's the most, the only thing more beautiful than this movie is the blooper reel. Especially

because the blooper reels are just people of slightly flubbing lines. No, no, no, there's a fantastic, at the very end. Oh, there is one good one, yes, yes. And the very end. And the very end. And the very end. It's phenomenal. At the very end, Stephen Baldwin, it's a cut of Stephen Baldwin doing that like minority report scene from earlier in the movie.

And he looks into the camera and he goes sweep the leg. And it's so true. And it's so delicious. Like everyone all in this moment realizes what they're doing in the kind of movie they're making. Well, and he works for Cobra Kai Dojo again. Well, but I was gonna say, that's the thing. I think, I did not realize that when I saw that,

but the guy sitting right next to him is the sweet-to-leg guy. Oh, definitely, yeah, that's what I did. Yeah, I didn't catch that. I didn't catch that in the moment. I didn't catch that in the moment. Either, but it makes it even better. Yeah.

And then the only other blooper worth talking about is that Jerry Rice cannot speak. No, like, we have, everyone gets one blooper and then there's 85 minutes of Jerry Rice being like, I'm Jerry Rice. How did I pronounce that correctly? I let people run into me for 20 years. Way back before we caught these things early.

Are you my grandson? Take it again real quick, real quick, one more time. I got this, I got this. So and one of the most bizarre things about this movie to me of course is that the whole thing revolves around drug dealers and yet we never see any drugs or dealing. You never know what kind of drugs they do. No, you know, what kind of deals they do. But despite all of that, this movie still now ranks as my worst drug-related experience. So now obviously, of course, at N.J.S.L.I.N.I.N.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.I.T.S.T.S.T.S.T.S.T.S.T.S.T.S.T.S.T.S.T.S.T.S.T.S.T.S.T.S.T.S.T.S.T.S.T.S.T.S.T.S.S.T.S. that. Yeah. So instead of, so instead of something like cliche like that, this is the question I want to ask to sort of serve the same purpose. What is the worst drug related experience that you've ever had that was still better than this movie?

That was still better than this movie. Okay. Um, can I just tell a real one? Oh, yeah. Because it did involve a movie. So this was the first time that I, when I moved to tell on, I went to Sinésbia, which is their film series that they screened at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery, and somebody had brought food, and it was, I believe, Blade Runner, which I was so excited to see

Blade Runner. I was like, it's in a cemetery to see Blade Runner. I was like it's an asymmetry, love Blade Runner, and I accidentally ended up eating some sort of edible, you know, it was like a classic brownie story where I didn't realize how much pot I was eating and ended up wearing Blade Runner. Like whenever I see anything to do with Blade Runner, I just remember feeling like I was gonna die. I was like, I just have never been closer to being like, I'm going to die in this cemetery.

But still better than this movie. No, you just ate too much pot. You don't really, you know, you don't still die. You're definitely not a replicate trust me. Yeah, not. Yeah. But, and I will say that, you know, I love this movie more than that. I do.

I think you guys hated this movie. I've seen this movie three times at this point. It's amazing. Yeah, and I love it, and I would probably see it again. That's like somebody who breaks the record for being like stranded at sea for the longest and then tries to break his record. That's amazing. Yeah, yeah.

So heath, worst drug related experience still better than this movie? Well, I actually have a similar answer, I guess. I'm gonna start by saying though, I've watched dare movies in health class with much better dialogue than this. Oh, yeah. By far.

But also, this actually happened to me too. True story, I once ate a whole bunch of mushrooms, like way too many mushrooms, and watched Memento for the first time. Oh shit, yeah. Oh, yeah, it was rude. My entire universe was inverted for several weeks. I had no idea what was having happened.

And it was delightful. And when compared, I was, yeah. I think I might be able to beat everybody with crazy movie that I saw when I was way to stone to see it. If anybody's ever seen the movie, meet the Theebles. I was on acid the first time I did that one. That was Peter Jackson's big movie before they came up more to the rings. That's how he got his foot in the door.

And finally, Eli, drugs movie. Oh, I mean, your guys' stories were also good. I mean, I went and I met this comedian and we had some drinks. His name's Bill Cosby, he's an ice creamer. That's 80s and 90s mostly. But no, you guys told good stories, I don't know. I feel like that's been, the story's been told over

and over and over and over and over again, so. Can you do a drink and you took a sip and you were like, hey, there's not enough drugs in this. It's not really nice. A lot of the things, but yeah, there's crazy, dude, I'm a heroin addict. Yeah, yeah, this movie definitely was the Cosby date rape of cinema.

I think that's your pretty much nailed it. Allegedly. Allegedly. Listen, I know you guys are into feminism because of Lucinda, but allegedly, you're okay. Oh, no, she's not. I don't know. Yeah. All right, well, Jocelyn, congratulations.

You made it all the way through. Oz are your way better prepared for enhanced interrogation techniques going forward. Cannot thank you enough for being part of the show tonight. Yeah, thank you. Thank you so much for going on this journey with me and sharing and something that I truly love and truly hate. Any time. And while that does it for our review of I'm in love with the church girl, that's not going to do it for the episode just yet since we're there's apparently going to be another

week next week and we're going to do a show then too. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Oh, you asked for it, so you got it. We're going to see RISAN! Going back to the theater again. Hopefully it'll be on YouTube before we have to do this. I think we'll need to wait at least three more weeks for that. But yeah, apparently that's going to make a lot of folks on Facebook and Twitter quite happy. There's been a lot of requests. And I do

want to say based on the preview, I am happy that we're at least finally going to watch a Christian movie that gets Jesus' fucking name correct. Yeah, yeah, sure. Yeah, that's the right name. Yeah. So I'm excited. I always wondered what if the story of the resurrection was a murder mystery. Yeah, it looks like it's gonna be a movie about a David Copperfield trick with a secret compartment and some legs getting sawed or something. Yeah, it's It's always hard to see magic revealed like that. But I am excited for Penn and Teller's cameo where they explain it. Oh no. The rock was secured the whole time, but you see the apostles move in from the sides

to cave so you can go into it's fine. I don't want to spoil earlier. It's quite big. Bigfoot aid him. It's not important. Well, I have to say at the very least, I'm happy to know the acting is going to be a little bit better. No offense to Ja Rule already thing, but I do believe we're in for a slightly higher

budget on this one, or at least they didn't spend the whole budget renting land for five minutes. Yeah, and Michael Manson for five minutes. I'm just so tired of apologizing to Ja Rule on every episode of this show. We got his email, we apologized, it's over. He's refused an intelligence square debate with us, so it's over. So at this point, the few descended. There you go.

So with Risen to look forward to, we're going to bring Episode 27 to a merciful close. Another big thanks to Ja Sullen, Richard for suffering alongside us and inflicturing this particular piece of shit us honest in the first place Once again, of course a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make this show go if you'd like to count yourself among their ranks You can like a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful and thereby earn early access to every episode You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms And if you enjoyed the show be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating atheist, and the skepticrat available on iTunes, Stitcher, and Wherever Else podcast live.

If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodawfulMoviesatgmail.com, all the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of Evil Drafts on Mars and was used with permission. If you like what you hear here, more by following links on the show notes for this episode. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen Wright and Eli Bosnick, I'm Noah Luzon's Promise in the work hard to earn another chunk next week until then we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. A dirt, a brick, a bell, meow.

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