God Awful Movies - 29: GAM029 If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do?

Episode Date: March 8, 2016

On this week's episode, Eli unearths the single craziest piece of batshittery in the history of film.  If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do? is a gratutiously titled red-scare propaganda piece that mixes Christian persecution fetish, cold war paranoia, and baffling inconsistent accents to create the most bizarre cinematic experience we've yet endured.--- Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page.

Un chapuzón, con el habito, tu serie favorita y en medio de tu siesta. ¡Ey! ¿Has visto esta? No sabes la de planazos que hay este verano en Guésville Parque Sur, con ciertas obsesiones con DJs, clases de yoga, talleres con martes y actividades con niños, te apuntas. Un sueño de verano, bailo es sin parque sur. Also, I want to point out, there's a lot of panning shots of women who are covered in blood with their legs ever so slightly spread. Yes, I'll have any intention of this movie for me to jerk off to it, but I did. A lot! Okay! A lot! That awful movie! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MO! MOVIE! MOVIE! MO! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MO! MOVIE! MOVIE! MO! MOVIE! MO! MO! MOVIE! MO! MO! MOVIE! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MOVIE! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! MO! immediate left is my good friend Heath and right heath welcome back thank you sir welcome back to you from vacation

Yes, just got back from Colorado where the laws are awesome and sitting 989 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnig Eli How go things with you sir? You're not gonna leave again, right? You promised that was just once every 40 years That's you don't make you're not anymore my current vacation schedule. Yes. Yes, exactly. Someone asked me what Ignostis is a means and I just shot I don't actually that's what you said to do right Yes, I said that's it. That's the note I left on the fridge Tell us heath. What will we be breaking down today? All right We watched if footmen

All right, we watched if footmen tire you, what will horses do? Which is an anti-communist Christian propaganda film from 1971. And I don't really know what to say here. I don't think I could describe it to you other than just naming the things that happen on screen in order. So, probably just go ahead and start reciting the movie frame for frame, I guess. I don't think I can help. Yeah, I'm probably going to have to work to keep this from being a five hour episode. So Eli, how incredible was this movie? This was the greatest thing that's ever happened to anyone, especially me. I've been blown on a roller coaster and this was by far scarier, more arousing. I has nothing to describe this.

Miss movie, the words I'm gonna say are true. It's like a preacher who was crazy, somehow managed to illustrate all of his crazy preaching with video clips. That's the craziest thing I could say, because that's what the movie is. That's what happens in the, I'main to he's we just need to recite the first is just be the movie well not that well apparently what happened to your case this is the fellow ron or mon to directed and and quote unquote wrote this movie uh... was an on exceptional grindhouse director whose credits included such

classic says outlaw women frontier women mesa of lost women and untamed mistress but then in nineteen sixty eighty found him some jesus and teamed up with nineteen seventies past or manning to make a movie about hell and comies sounds like he did some ted cruise commercials to that's likely he's the one who hired that software partner.

Yeah, wouldn't be surprised from the old days. So, now, I think there are so many things that this movie was the worst at. It was the worst at mostly everything. But is there like one element that you think it was the worst at being the worst at? Like, what was it what was its best worst um can I say not accidentally catching the actors smiling breathing and otherwise being fine when they're supposed to be dead is that because that category was so many times there's a person just like scratch and his ass and they're like Dave you, you got shot, fuck you. I'm gonna slowly lie down.

Dave was all the extras in this movie. I was gonna go with makeup because in those scenes, the whole movie like Edward was directing a chick track after an explosion of the ketchup factory and Bucks' New York Tennessee. That's what we watched. And there's constantly, everybody's covered in blood. And we have these long lingering shots

of everybody covered in blood, but the blood is clearly like catch up and it's dried up now. And there's French fries in some of it. Yes, they look less shot than normal people. They could just be lying down and they would look more shot than they look with the makeup. They got in this. Yeah, they don't mention this, but about 10,000 bottles of Heinz were destroyed in the making of the film. Yeah, didn't say that at the end of the

end of the credits. Yeah. Also, I would say costuming was this movie is the worst costuming movie we've ever seen because holy shit, those 70s. I wrote down repeatedly the clothing patterns are the most disturbing thing about this movie. Yeah, the most offensive and the hardest to look at so I

Feel like before we even get into it We have to kind of give everybody an idea of what exactly we're watching and I think Eli really just did spell it It's it's literally a crazy person ranting for almost an hour with some of his mental eject of being acted out That's all it is there's no. There aren't characters who have like Actions and whatnot. It's just craziness with skits Yeah, and we keep coming back to this guy this guy S this percol S this percol looks like Anderson Cooper's homophobic dad I cannot and we just what he's just staring into the camera the entire movie he looks like

Alfredi Newman grew up to be a tax attorney. He's the worst looking human I've ever and we just keep going back to his face. Oh my god. He looks like the word businessman shatter pants. That's when he looks like Ron Howard got scared by a ghost as a child and just never made it out. Okay, he looks like a three day old Chinese food

nightmare about green acres. He's the worst thing I have ever seen. And I've been blown on a roller coaster. He is the worst thing I Would have played this game I would have played this game he looks like the the son George Bush senior always wanted Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher are actually siblings and they had an incest baby together in 1902 Yeah, okay, he looks like are actually siblings and they had an incest baby together. In 1902. Yeah.

Okay, he looks like he tried to kill Kennedy by praying and he thinks it worked. He looks like that guy. And acts like that too, yes. And this one's for real. He looks exactly like recessive Ross Perot. Like, no, no. He's exactly like Ross Perot's parents rolled a whole bunch of ones and twos on their D20 and that's what happened

Which is saying a lot because like we're assuming that Ross Perot is the sixth I wrote them please tell me he has a chart at some point please please tell me someone won't let him finish Can I finish no didn't have him. Yeah, no. But yeah, no, he looks like he has no teeth and also too many teeth at the same time, which was, like he has eight teeth, but it seems like too many. Yeah, yeah. If the word rape hired a stockbroker,

this is not what's higher. That's what I have to say. Oh shit, I've got nothing. He looks like Orville Reddenbacher at his fighting weight. It looks like Pat Robertson's ass baby, or maybe you dried John Cena up into jerky. You know what he looks like? Estus Perkel looks like white Barack Obama

chose the wrong cop in the last crusade. That's what he looks like. Just took a little peek into the archivic exactly exactly you caught him just a minute after. No you know what he looks like. He looks like the face you picture if somebody said Estus Perkle. That's what he fucking looks like. Exactly. Holy shit this guy. Looks like Gilligan fucked the skipper. Very similar. I have a feeling this could go on forever but I think we're all working hard not to score it early on this movie so I think

we're gonna need to take a quick break. Think about baseball for a little bit and when we come back we'll make international gorillas look sane with if footmen tire you. What will horses do? Between this show the skating atheist and the scepticrat we've now released well over 200 episodes and I hope we've made it clear in that time that we take pride in trying to offer our audience the best crafted and best edited podcasts that we can. Which is why we were so disheartened when we discovered that an editing error left a half-minute echoing artifact in last week's show. So we wanted to take a minute this week to apologize for that oversight and vow to re-double our efforts to ensure that mistakes like that don't occur again in the future.

And of course we also believe in taking full responsibility for our mistakes. So I want to make it very clear that NOAA did all the editing on last week's God awful movies. Yes, yes I did. Yeah, because I was busy doing all the editing for the entirely Echolus skepticrat and skating atheist episodes last week. That's why that's what I was doing. Yes, you were. I was. Hey, great job on editing those two episodes, by the way.

Oh, thanks, man. Thanks for falling. Yes, we, yeah, we get it. And they were and they were in great job and stuff. But can we get back to the subject at hand if you want? Of course, now at first we consider trying to convince you that I really do just like echo when I talk and that no one he'd have to edit it down like 50% of the content. So I sound normal, but we know we've got a pretty intelligent audience. So we decided to just come clean and tell you straight out It was Noah's fault. It again. Yes, it was and and thank you I should also note that as soon as I learned of the error

I took care of it as quickly as possible So anyone who downloaded the show after 1 p.m. Eastern wouldn't have noticed the error So only the several thousand people who downloaded it in the first five hours got the Subscribers what you're saying. It's not a big deal. Exactly. Yes So so for those of you who thought you might have been having a minor stroke 33 minutes into last week's show I do apologize and I promise to do everything in my power to make sure that an error like that never slips through again After all if you wanted low quality dick jokes, you could just watch the GOP primary debates dick jokes you can just watch the GOP primary debates.

And we're back for the breakdown and this film is going to start us off watching six Confederate soldiers on horseback for a really long time and soak it up way you can because it's never going to be sane again. Yeah, I wrote down holy shit these horses are exhausting. Imagine what communists and cars would do. Right. Be terrible. We learn in the credits that this is produced and created by the Ormond organization. And I want to say the Ormond organization sounds like they're going to create clones of Batman. We learn that this is the Ormond organization because everyone in this production's last name is Ormond. Or Perk's. Yes. Exactly. Who wrote and directed it.

And this was apparently a book? Yes. Oh, I guess. I've heard a Chick-Track or something. Yeah. The craziest thing, the craziest thing about this movie is the very first thing that it tells us, which is that all of the things in this movie are true.

Yes. They have already happened. Apparently, yeah, no, but it says it's just, it's like they're substituting with Americans to make it like sink in because we wouldn't care if it was Chinese people or something that we saw going through all this shit. Now, I want to point out my favorite moment in this entire movie and it came very early on, but this is obviously just for, for personal reasons. And in the credits when they're showing their special thanks, one of the special thanks is to be Miss Road Baptist Church

in Valdosta, Georgia. Hey! Three miles from my fucking house. Just, they wake up in the middle of the night and you're throwing rocks. Fuck your moving. What are you doing guys? I'm here to put a stop to it. Oh, it's someone who saw a horseman tire you just go back to sleep right yeah We get this like once a month. It's fine

If I can I know it was a bad moving We're sorry. We've publicly apologized, but they're still there they're still kicking uh... yes of the first words we hear in the movie are uh... some disembodied voice who never shows up again saying reverend percol are the pictures were about to see in this film true facts or are they figments of your imagination uh... to which estus w percol responds i can document every statement that i make in this film and all the dramatic uh... or i'm sorry and all the dramatized events are taken from real events that

happened in russia korea china and kuba so everything you're about here is a true story right so when we say the crazy shit that happens in this movie just remember that unlike every other christian movie we've watched, they actually think this shit happened. Yes, so every time I say something crazy, just remember the beginning, this guy basically considered himself a bibliography for everything you're about to hear.

Well, and also, and it really helps that the very first thing he says in this 1971 film is that the communists will take over the country within the next 24 months. Mmm. I wrote in my notes. Oh look, it's a Christian who's making predictions that don't come true. If you're right, yes. Keep in what would Jesus do, right? And this is also, of course, we get our first crowd shot here because this whole movie is like this guy's sermon and we keep looking back at the crowd and oh my fucking god at the patterns I wrote down this is my little pony vomit they're wearing my little pony vomit. And here you have distinctive proof not everyone in the 70s was cool.

These were the people who didn't go to Woodstock. These were the people who complained and let them die in the mud. And so yeah they've got this group of extras just kind of like running around these are the people who complained and let them die in the mud and so that you have got this group of extras just kind of like running around being chased by communist sun horses sometimes and they clearly told these people like a thousand times do not look at the cameras don't look at the cameras but about half of them just cannot help themselves they just stop like a deer

and the other half are looking the opposite direction as best they can. They're doing like, bring up body contortions, all of a sudden they're doing astronomy in the middle of the day with the person next to them. No, I, and, and, and apparently the communist takeover is going to be where like, everybody has to play tag against their will, but the bad guys get horses and you don't. I guess that's what we're seeing.

Because there's a point in the movie right? What first thing that happens is they're being chased and one guy stops and the guy on the horse is really an accident catches up to him and goes like, yeah, tag your head. Freeze tag. You have to stop. Get going. You might. And like the guys going on to talk about what the

a purple is talking about, what the communist takeover is gonna be like that happens in the next 24 months before anyone here was born. And he says, many of you listening to me today will see hundreds of dead bodies on the streets of your hometown. So another prediction we can write down in the column. See how pergels doing right the end of this.

But worse than that, worse than that, nobody will get vacations except for two. Yeah, right. Right. So the streets will be littered with the bodies of dead Christians. And they show that by the way, like this is the first time we're going to see a field of dead Christians covered in ketchup. And it will not be the last. I love Skylar on Facebook, refer refer to it as catch up bucacke that that that

whole basically this whole movie is a catch up bucacke porn but fully dressed catch up bucacke porn the Eli Bosnian very you should see somebody about that seriously i will not go to the doctor that he is already told me what's wrong the herbs are working Also by the way we get a splash fight Oh yeah, we get a wrong, a splash fight

Very exciting Apparently the communists are gonna make us have splash fights in a creek They're gonna be mean and like do it right in your eyes You know, you might even have to take a time out for a minute Cause it stings a little Terrifying stuff, not carefree and fun Like it might sound and look in this movie. I made Also, he says that you won't get any days off and you'll work 15 hours day When I'm like well when are they gonna do all this splashing around with the horses then?

I mean is that their job to get chased around by these horses? This makes no fucking sense They clearly had to tell the extras to stop having fun with this, too. When we have the really fun splash fight, stop acting like it's fun. All of a sudden some kids just run through the shot. Yay, this is great, horses splash cut. What do we just say? What do we just say? It's a splash fight.

Yeah, and speaking of death, we are going to linger on the murdered children for a little longer before we end this scene. Oh, yeah. And then we cut over to the hippie girl and her hippie boyfriend pulling up to church. Yeah, like bad people do. Now of course the hippie boyfriend isn't getting out. Right, of course not. She's going to church and she's like, pick me up later. I've got to maintain appearances and make people think I'm a Christian, even though I don't really love Jesus. I'm an evil character. If this movie was made 15 years later, her first line in the movie would have

been, so here we are at the church, both with AIDS from the Gays and the Blacks. I'm going to go inside and lick everyone's scabs. Pick me up later. Now now unfortunately she was fucking adorable So I have no jokes about how she looks I wrote yeah, I wrote look. I don't know how to say this She looks like Lucinda She really looks like me send I was like kind of Lucinda have a sister. She doesn't talk to you because I don't want to I don't want to be family and she looks really really similar to Lucinda in a lot of disturbing ways. So all my notes are like, just wanna check. Like, we're all having fun. But like, you guys are eighties.

That's not Lucinda, right? Like, this is... I know you just had your birthday and everything. So like, maybe this is how y'all met. I'm just saying, if I see the back of some long hair on someone's head, I'm turning the movie off. I just heard that she looks like Maryne from Gilligan's Island. She looked like and not like with like a disease or like a cooking

process or something. No, she just looks like Marianne. Well, now that's so fucked up because Eli said that she looks like my wife so now nobody who had any notes about what she looks like and say you know you have to be like she looked just fine. I just removed the disease in the cooking process. Right, exactly. You know, you have to be like she looked just fine. I just removed the disease in the cooking So yeah, so this is about the time in the movie that you realize if you don't know going in that this is just a

Ranting crazy person and that's all it will ever be mm-hmm and the first part of his rant is you know how terrible people are these days? The other day, a woman came to church. She was wearing a short skirt, and everyone screamed at her. That's her fault. Yeah, because her skirt was only 12 inches above her knees. Right. Well, he's also, he's like, he's like, what do you all want most in the whole wide world? Many of you will say, I want my kids to be Christians. Many of you will say I don't want my kids to fuck anybody before they're married. But those are terrible answers. Like if that's what you most give a fuck about, holy shit, you're horrible people. Right, also just a quick note. He's talking about

how like kids today have all sorts of rock and roll music and bad and whatever whatever and he explains two things. We used to have fun playing Drop the HankerChiff. What the fuck is Drop the HankerChiff? That's a tag game. I look this up, actually. Oh god. I look this up. It's a tag game. You all stand in a circle and one person goes behind the circle and secretly drops a H handkerchief behind somebody and then they write it's like duck duck goose basically with anger chip Yeah, well, how do you know who's dropped the handkerchief? You have no idea. Is it jet eye training? No, it's nothing Well, yeah, I mean he's talking about he's like when my daddy was coming up in North Georgia They didn't have none of these fancy video games they played connect the measles and lactate fun in fact

They had the McGuffee reader the McGuffee reader We go into a love letter about the fucking McGuffee reader because the McGuffee reader taught values I googled it. I was like I don't I wonder what the mean the McGuffee readers like hat and sat and cat and bat I'm like what are the fuck is that? Who's of the McGuffee rhyming? Yeah. So I actually looked up McGuffee too. And the guy who wrote these, he set up some frontier schools

during the early 1800s in Ohio. And also according to Wikipedia, he worked 11 hours a day and six days a week which is just two vacation days a day was to praise for Delcassia you got it and by the way these books still sell they sell about 30,000 copies a year well there you go the Texas school curriculum right there that's that was probably in his will like

that all of his money would be used by 30,000 McAfee readers a year in perpetuity. So yeah, the problem with kids these days is that they don't see enough dicks run. And instead what I guess the teachers are teaching instead, according to percol is having sex, pre-marital sex specifically. Yes, because we now cut to Haley Joel Ozzman dressed up as a grown-up. At least you're right.

He looks like a baby that's hiding from the cops. And the thing that this character says is, now boys and girls, I've told you, pre-marital sex is necessary. We're now gonna go, and I wrote my notes, well look at that, I agree with a part of this movie. That's necessary. Yeah, we're now gonna go and I wrote my notes well look at that I agree with a part of this movie that's weird He then goes now I'm gonna go over the seven or rogginous zones and I wrote my notes and then they cut away of course And I go what the first one fuck I could have learned to write right and he even goes and the first one is dot dot

Dot yeah, this was pre-internet so so Eli just for the record just remember biplane breasts inner thigh pussy lips asshole neck and ears but not in that order wait got really going into a plane yeah well not in that order but why didn't we have this class we should have this right he needs boys I was need to learn pop was gonna kill me why couldn't I've gotten the biplane class the need to more. First thing. Yeah, the seven or rotted. Are you kidding? I thought it was just the ass until I saw that friends episode. Yeah. Courtney Cox, given that fantasy play about two four six. Kevin Gams.

Two four six. Yeah. Yeah. And so and then he cuts it cut we cut back to from the teacher. We cut back to Perkel. Um, and and he's saying now, the second footman is the TV. So I guess the first was the lack of the McGuffee reader. But the second footman is the tv so i guess the first was the lack of the McGuffee reader but the second is the tv now you mothers might be thinking that they're the Saturday morning cartoons are wholesome i wrote my notes like now you're going after conjunction junction well this is where we learn that Saturday morning cartoons quote lead your child into

crime sex and murder and i was like man I missed that episode of loony tunes right I was watching the wrong guy look I saw peppy lepus so it's very pro rape but other than that I missed the I miss the robbery in the murder right if he had said rape we really can't argue with them peppy lepus He rakes all those cats He rakes the shit out of those cats and we got to live with that we all sat there and watched And said nothing like the guys in the bar at the jody foster movie we watched Peppin with P you just throw those cats on to a pinball machine. I feel so uncomfortable laughing at this Although if somebody has video of Peppin with youu throwing a cat down on the app and ball machine,

like I would watch that video. Yeah. He also says that since television was introduced in some areas, crime has increased a thousand percent. A thousand percent. Yes. The two-year-old version of telling you how much things have gotten bigger by, I would say I'm like a five thousand percent taller. I bet it really pisses him off the thing that curved all those crime numbers was legal abortion.

Yeah, but apparently the problem is that children would rather watch TV than read the Bible. So I'm sorry that Porky never offered Petunia up to a rape mob and then Chopper had to bake into mail around Acme Luneversity like a fucking book full of morals and shit would have. Billionaire money, we're sure to make that car too. I'm already working on it. They say they say they say they say they say I can offer up my to the daughters instead. As long as you don't fuck my angels, that's fine.

That's what matters. Also, and his list of things that are ruining America is the Drive-In Theater. Yeah, they are spawning houses for sex. Right, like what else would a spawning house be for? That's just redundant. And then of course because this movie was crazy but not next level crazy, we learned that dancing is wrong. You know, the bad guy in Footloos. That's the narrator of this movie. They will make a movie about me one day about how dancing is illegal and I'll be that good guy.

Maybe Ronald Reagan could play me because dancing leads to adultery. So married people dance with other people and fuck them. This is these damn kids today with their long hair devil music the movie. Yeah. That is clearly what we're watching and it just slowly dawns on you that you're never gonna watch anything else as long as this running time goes on. Also, we have to worry about the liquor traffic. Apparently 75% of our children are drinking before they finish hasku. Yeah. And by the way, I should point out that Lucinda throughout this entire film, it's fantasizing about all of the things that he says. So he's like, they get a flash shot of her

thinking about dancing and laughing. And then there's a shot of her smoking and drinking. Right, to the Wayne's World Imagination Music, by the way. There's a fantasy flashback of her doing like all 18 things you might do in a coffee shop during like a three second shop. No, not just get sit napkin, sturr, sugar, second cigarette, rick stone, shrap, it's like Mormon referred madness in a coffee shop.

They're just going crazy with caffeine. She's also checking her watch and so am I. Holy shit, it was only like eight minutes at this point. I also love he said at one point, there are even those of us today that would dare to advocate for legalizing marijuana. And I just came back from Colorado and I'm all the more advocate. With a backpack full.

Hey, shh, shh, shh. Sorry, with a backpack full of memories. Yeah. I took only pictures. So yeah, and then we also get the magazines He throws magazines under the bus 40% of veterans are addicted to drugs right because because apparently preachers allowed divorced people to get married And if that sentence doesn't make sense to you, you're right, but that's what he says

It's not our fault. He don't be like oh, E, Eli, how come you're again? No, I didn't write the movie. This guy wrote the movie. He's fucking crazy. And this is what I realized. Oh, this movie is just going to be stream of consciousness from this man. Yes, simplified by videos. So strap in. We got 12 minutes more. It's six minutes long. So that's the only good thing I can say about it. Yeah. Oh It's got a 52 minute running time and I swear if it was any longer fucking Google Docs would not have room for all the notes We got 25 pages of notes on a 52 minute movie here So now we learn that the big problem is that people don't have time to go to church these days

They're spending their Sundays joy writing apparently, yes. Yeah, and so he points out that men just drop their families off at church and then go off on their own. Yes, and when will they be sorry? When communism takes over America. That's a goddamn quote. Yeah, also this is one of my favorite lines, probably my favorite line in a movie. Less than 60 years ago, there wasn't one communist in the world, and I'm like,

why man, the head didn't written the book yet, like in 1911. Yeah. The communist manifesto was published in 1848, right? So, really sure there were communists using that word before 19. Also Jesus was a communist right right I was gonna say how about the idea existence for a long time right

Nope, they were something else at the time I also love and this is such a minor thing and there's so much major shit in this movie So I don't know why I'm chasing down a minor thing But he says it'll happen with jet-aged speed and I'm thinking to myself, there was always something that was that. Jet-aged sounds pretty stupid now, but it was space-age and then it was digital-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age-age like then now it Paul runs as fast as he can speed. Yeah. Like, just like Paul the fast guy. Oh, Paul the fast guy speed. All right. So, so as we're going on about the, the imminent communists take over that's going to happen

any minute now, he says, one day you will wake up to hear this on your television. And now we see a guy who looks like a genetic hybrid of Howard Cossell and Ricky Gervais has Derek telling everybody about the fucking communist takeover that just happened. Yeah he looks like the twin that Walter Cronkite absorbed in the womb. And by the way this is the most most Edward moment in the entire movie. Their news set for this guy is just this guy sitting in front of a random map. There's just a map in the, I think it's of the caucus's mountain region or something

like that, but it's just a fucking map on the wall and a sports coat. That is the news desk in this movie. And he announces the entire government's been killed like the president's been killed and several governors of states have been killed and that people are being hurted into the street and machine gun down like cattle which raises the question who is doing the machine gunning look this movie doesn't make a lot of sense but I had to watch it anyways so the question occurred to me when the communists take over do they guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea guinea No, they already are. It's like sleeper cells. Oh, I can already there. They were hiding everywhere amongst us. Just ask McCarthy. He would have jerked off to this movie in a heartbeat. I get a little longer like that Jewish

lawyer, Al Juhas, who totally turned out to be a communist. What was he building? No clock. Yeah, no, he's still out on that jury. He's still out on that. And by the way, the news guy is announcing he said specifically that the president the secretary of state and the speaker the house were killed uh... so just for the record that means in nineteen seventy when they made this that spiro agnew would become president that's what the communist one

richard no longer conservative number two right so that we get some more catch up children right I'm not trying to know to this point oh I get it this movie is the experience of being trapped in a room with a crazy homeless guy but you never get to walk away I'm volunteering to talk to all the homeless guys yeah and you never get to try to change the subject or anything yeah so that with this also by the way we learned that the communists are gonna kill anyone over 30. Yeah, I'm fuck. Yeah, you'll have to carry the show on on your own Here on communist awful movies Battleship attempt can again

So now So now we get another like cutaway scene from the preacher bitching about the kids these days. This time it's communist horsemen rounding up children and of course this is where I first wrote my notes. Why aren't the communist using cars? I mean we will have cars, we could run over them in their horses, but then the truck pulls up to grab the kids that they're kidnapping. So they are using cars of the guy in the truck just had to ride real slow behind the people on the horses all the way down to this fucking house. Maybe you want to move the horses into the notes, but don't worry about it. It's not. We'd fuck up the title, guys. It would totally fuck up the title. Right. And

so I'm I said horses. They pull up to this house and everyone just stares at each other for approximately 112 hours They just stare I have come too quickly and had a less awkward moment than this family is having with these communist leaders They're all speaking in nods and shit. Yeah, exactly and cringes. I wrote my notes god damn someone say sup I guess do it. That's's a nice horse something. Yeah, anything. But no, they they were endlessly pick up the two kids that are on the porch and put them in the in the kid truck. Like a really small pickup truck. They're gonna take like three or four kids at a time. It's gonna be really slow. They're gonna take away all the kids like couple of times. Well, they also have to wait for the horses. So yeah, it's gonna take forever forever and then mom gets all upset right she

starts to scream and cry and pull dance on her porch that just swings around her pole like she's trying to get your last four ones that you've stuck in back pocket and so the Communist guy turns around and by the way the mom looks like she has downs yes you know the largest forehead I've ever seen on a human. On a human. We should aim satellites that crashed earth at it. Not sure why, but you know, we could. We could.

Yeah, so the communist gets upset at her for crying and shoots her. And it's spectacular. Yeah, she just dies on the pole dancing column there for about five minutes of movie. Slowly sliding down with the only piece of direction anyone in this movie got was guys. If you fall down, don't do it too hard. We don't want anybody to hurt themselves. Everyone lowers themselves to the ground, like me doing a push-up. He's like, alright, here we go. Get an in-shake.

No more flabby. Get ready for Abby. Alright, I'm on the ground and I'm asleep. No, Sam Harris. Alright, fine. And then we get, for the first time in this movie, the close-up of the communist's face. Oh my god It's okay. Here's all I can say you got to take Wario and then a witch turns him into a rapist

That's what the communist looks. It's Wario, but rapier and Wario is pretty rapy Like you're gonna stretch your imagination and be like, warrior, rape someone. You wouldn't be surprised. You'd be like, yeah, I get it. It's rapier warrior. The warrior. Rapy warrior, okay. I'll see if I can say this. It's kind of a tongue twister,

but we'll see if we can get this. So I always use Mario Kart, rape warrior. So now the percol who is kind of narrating through this whole thing or whatever Worns us that the communists are masters at brainwashing the preacher Who is using fear to tell children to love Jesus? Worns us how good the communists are at brainwashing. Yeah, and by the way It's Hispanic Bert Reynolds who's gonna be the most honest school teacher

I have evil cheese here and he won't always drink beer, but when he does, he'll prefer a dose of accus. Most certainly. So he's quite an interesting man. So we get this shot of evil cheese sitting around with a bunch of kids going, we haven't talked about the accents yet in this movie. How the fuck have we not been spoken yet?

I think this is the first time we get one of these ridiculous, like just anything but American that they can do accents. So the guy says, we will talk about your Jesus Christ. He also calls everyone Comrade, but not in the way that the Communists use Comrade. He just be like comrade David What's going on comrade teacher?

They's not it's not how it was used. Sorry. So yeah He introduces that they're gonna talk about Jesus and he has all the kids who believe in Jesus and that believe Jesus can answer prayers Raise their hands. Yeah, exactly and they all do right And then he says that we're all going to pray for some candy. And they all do. And then he goes, the Jesus does not bring candy. The communists leader, Fidel Castro provides candy. Castro provides candy and then a guy walks in this is my favorite thing that's ever happened in the world With a garbage bag full of candy and he goes look have as much as you like and all the kids are like yeah, Jesus is alive I just pictured David Silverman at home going really all those years I wrote a whole book I Talked to I can tell you I went on bill or I like why could oh fuck he's just

Fill it up bags of candy in his house. All right great. Jesus pray for candy then for Delket Does it have to be for get out Castro? He's dead now. It's like you know, I'll wing it. I'll wing it Well now it been at first though I thought it was pretty good because he says you know, do you believe Jesus gonna answer prayers pray for candy? He ain't got no candy boom. We're done, right? You know, and I thought wow, it really is that easy though, isn't it? You know, and so I wrote good one evil cheat, but then his minion brings some candy and I'm like, but see now you can It works. Jesus

And you did get candy so you fucked up your own thing there Jesus made Fidel Castro Yeah, right exactly really smart apologetics kid five years Exactly so so yeah, so then we cut back to Perkles who is saying quote Imagine substituting Fidel Castro for Jesus now I should point out okay So a little behind the curtain kind of thing here when we do our notes usually Eli watches the movie first And I have a little cue so that we'll have like a you know what line is does this scene start on so we're all working from the same page And this is the only movie where the actual line cues are the same as the notes Shit that happening the movie is the notes

We're just reading the script. Yeah, that's what we're all looking at right now is the script. So he talks more about how, you know, the Communist will work the children in the fields all day, which is not a problem, by the way, it's not a, he goes, they'll make them work in the fields, which by the way, we all agree, kids should work in the fields, but not for too long, come on, that's crazy. And in the fields but not for too long come on and even the white ones I mean come on and so we also see here now we cut to this scene where this

like the evil communist guy that rapist Wario finds a preacher in the field churching but they're not like hiding they're just there. Exactly exactly you, exactly. It kind of out in the open. By the way, I figured out his accent, the Communist soldier, he has a Communist accent. Oh, it's a Communist accent. Yeah, it switches between Russian, Cuban, and Chinese. So it just rotates. There's definitely some German in there,

because he has the other way. He does the V to the W and the W to the V. And so it's really fucking weird. So yeah, yeah. And, and so he got, there's everybody up, and he's like, which of these parents was teaching the children Christianity? And the one guy raises his hand.

He's not exactly. So they catch up him in the stomach. Right. Yeah, this is not me doing a bad accent. This is to be doing a good version of his accent. I do believe. Yeah. And then we get like what might be,

God, it's so hard to say, the most fucked up moment in this movie. I just, I want, I want you to empathize with us right now because you're about to hear what we're going to say. It's like trying to describe a blowjob to a baby. What about, what about to tell you about, It's like trying to describe a blowjob to a baby. What I'm about to tell you about, I'm like, no, take that out of your mouth. Or maybe leave it in, it might help. I want you to know how great this thing is, but I have no way to tell you.

No, it's, it's, it's kind of like describing ear rape to a baby. I'll just say that. Because they choose, they now decide the Communists now decide they're going to puncture the eardrums of the children who have heard the word of Jesus. Yes. And we watch them do that. Right. Well, we watch them like have a stick and go at the kids head and the kids like oh mr. Stop it

And then we cut away and when we cut back the kid has a stick Hanging out of both ears Yeah, the push the all the way through the headguests The at high point of this movie is a little boy with two sticks Stink very clearly hung in his ears and then he spits like cream a mushroom soup out And I wrote in my notes that's literally the craziest thing I've ever seen I just paused the movie and just scream. I was just screaming in my apartment alone I watched this at like three in the afternoon on a tooth then I was just like This will definitely be the weirdest thing that you will have ever seen for the next 40 or 38 minutes of runtime depending on where this was exactly

Yeah, got it unwind and watch some clockwork orange or something. Right. Well, yeah, because immediately after that, they then drag the girl that was there into the woods to rape her. Right. And we cut right back to Perkley's like, you think that these images are shocking? Well, there's more shocking yet to come. Right. and they lack to strip a woman naked tie her head to one Jeep and her legs to another Jeep And pull her limb from limb What the fuck is that all communist yeah, they draw and have women with jeeps and again Just a reminder remember the beginning. I made such a big deal. He thinks all of this is true

Yeah, he believes all of this is true Well, you know what like I'm sure that there is some example of that having happened once in Russia or China or something like that But we could also talk about all the fucked up crazy shit that Christians did when they talk over countries as well There was no part right Right 27 how to try ahead to a uh... bad stuff that happens in a country are not the laws of the

yet right exactly i'd be like looking at jeffrey dormer and saying well in this christian country there was a guy who was eating gay people in a freezer yeah uh... so and and they keep flashing back to the pews, right, as he's preaching all of this to remind us that he's telling these stories to children, right? Not just in like this fictional world that we're creating in this movie, but this is like a thing that he tells to children for a living. What? And by the way, the Communist accent guy is Nathan Detroit from Guys and Dolls Now. These things were fun.

Right. Okay. So, yeah. Now, we've got to take a step down into this movie because this is where he says, and I quote, perhaps the worst thing these communists like to do to Christian girls is make them into play things for their soldiers as we shall see in this documented incident. So we cut to what we're being promised is this documented incident of a woman being raped

by a communist. Right. So 1950s lady Gaga is that's what she looks like. If you want an image. She's a white, whole girlfriend, but that doesn't help anybody but me. Yes, well, like, yeah, she's making a dress,

like all good women do. Actually was, no, as high school girlfriend, but that's fine. That's fine. She's knitting. And she like shows that none of these people know how to act. I know, I talk about it all the time, but like, when you leave these people alone on camera,

they all fucking panic. This woman and her husband, especially, she's like knitting and he's like knitting and Communist guy stumbles up to the door drunk This is rapist warrior yeah rapist warrior who's literally about to rape someone yeah, right? Opens the door and he's like comrade comrade comrade. I learned the word comrade for this Comrade comrade comrade I learned the word comrade for this part Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha get that accent I'm just shifted my weight slightly onto my nuts yeah so yeah that in trunk communist soldier shows up to rape the wife and I love how the woman has to belong to a man in order for this rape thing to really stick for the for the target audience yeah because in 1950s guys like no no come on now I

was raping that he's also wearing mom. I just want to throw that out there. He's wearing the highest, flattest, poofiest pair of jeans I've ever wished for. 30, 35 pleats. Yeah. Strong, strong jeans. So yeah, so he drives to stand up to his wife, but rapist Wario waves his gun near the guy's head, which causes him to go unconscious by first going down on all fours and then laying over her very slowly again very slowly. Imagine Eli doing a burpee there you go. I'm going to stay here. You can count the whole half one half one. Yeah, so then you get this like flash cut back and forth as the hairy chested rapist Wario guy stalks ever closer to 50s lady Gaga and um yeah, it's the premonoc to thing. That's that's part of it Karl Marx wrote all about premonocs thing early on.

A very important portion of the of the manifesto I do believe. So while we contemplate the eternity through which Mary Chester, Italian, Mexican, Slavic porn star, rape, gaze, or hunt our nightmares, we'll pause for a well-earned break. But before we do, let me give act three, the hard sell here. Mm-hmm. It's even fucking crazier than I just wanted to. There you go.

That is the hardest cell that I have Holy shit And now selections from the McGuffy reader Jane loves Jesus see Jane Jesus Go away Jane your devil flap is bleeding Run Tommy run. Run fast Tommy. The Jews are coming present participle. Brian can sit. Can Brian sit? Brian has trouble sitting because he had Chipotle for lunch. No more Chipotle for Brian. Thank you Dr. William

Lane Craig. Next up Mr. Eli Bosnick will have 10 minutes. Timekeeper, are we ready? And you may begin. Thank you. Does Jesus have candy? Fidel Castro has candy. Look at all this candy. Thank you. I'll never give up my Christianity. Well then come red loosen though. We will have no choice but to dare you from limb to limb. Tie her head to the Jeep. Uh yeah about that. Uh how are we I don't know. Tie her head to the Jeep and and her body out to the other jeep. Yeah, there's just a whole bunch of logistical stuff here. Like her head, I mean, we can put a noose around her neck and then a noose around like her ankles, but honestly, I

think that's just ripping her head off. I don't think. Yeah, that absolutely. Also, how do we tie her body to a Jeep what what do we do with the I think if you tie my feet to the hitch and the new thing that should do it oh okay yeah I see that I see the thank you by the way no problem team player and we're back and when we last saw a hero we were watching a movie that had a hero in it but in this movie greasy porn boroughs just raped my high school girlfriend and estus percol still hasn't run out of communist plots to warn us about. Now I love to like the very next scene here he's asking his congregation he's like how many of you believe in the immortality of the soul and

of course everybody raises their hand but 1970s Lucinda can't quite do it she's like kind of half-ass raises her I don't know about all that shit but she doesn't look like she's not sure she looks like she's not sure how to raise her hands she looks like she wants to but she's like is it to this is it is it through my chest is that well which one's hand raising everything she does in the movie is like that because at like what at one point she's supposed to look like she's nodding off and she looks like she's rubbing her bean. I mean, there's just a no-point in this movie does her like, does her expression and action match the thing she's supposed to be doing. It's phenomenal.

So, then we get statistics. We get some... Yeah! The Big Bluffer statistics. He probably... The probably communist took over they killed and i wrote these down three million christians in korea twenty million christians in russia fifty million christians in china

fifty million christians in china and when christianity took over they killed all the non-white people they could find pretty much. So there's also that. Right. I don't remember this part of the Bible. We just read it. No, remember like it says biblical Christians that call from the Communist takeover. I do not remember that section. So and of, we're looking at more catch-up covered children here. And then he offers up this quote. He says, one of the leading communists of the day said,

and I quote, I dream of a day when the last congressman is strangled to death with the guts of the last preacher and the Christians love blood so much. So now I, we should give it, okay, I'm not not quoting anymore But that's the quote he throws out right right which is an abacillization of the Detero quote Yeah, right, which is man will never be free until the last press last king has strangled But yeah exactly but okay, so I had to look this up and every time I dug into anything in this movie It was just a boundless well of more shit. This honestly could be a trilogy

We could have done three movies, or three episodes just on this 52 minute movie. Okay, so here's where that quote comes from. It's falsely attributed to Gus Hall, who was the former leader of the Communist Party of the USA, by a guy named Kenneth Gough, okay? So now Gough is a crazy Christian anti-communist preacher just like Perkle, who says he was a member of the communist party for three years like that one guy

said he was a satan so that he can like really scare people with it now right so it's the pizzi mire school of christian biology metz fan call it up the ag radio station yeah right right so i and of course i had to dig into this golf guy no so in addition to his claims about what Gus Hall said in a secret meeting that only he recorded Where okay, these are other claims that this guy made in writing in his books the Holocaust never happened Water floor adation is a communist plot to make us more docile that one's true Hitler was a Jewish Communist was still alive in the 70s

And was gonna rise up to lead the communist revolution worldwide Yeah, dubious and that hippies and desegregation where a communist plot. Okay, that is where purple is getting the information that he is Relaying to us from okay now say all the crazy stuff that got said that wasn't Like then people will be confused. Well, he also said that he also said that jet fuel did burn that hot. So he said vaccines were safe. He said all kind of crazy shit. Because Jews don't burn that hot. Believe me. I know. I put my hand on the stove the other day and I didn't instantly turn to ash your turn Jews. Oh, Jesus. Didn't have enough gas.

Lot of science in the crown. I don't like. Oh, Jesus, that was good. God damn it. I should have been laughing. I'm sorry. That took a second. I apologize.

That was good shit. All right. Now we've got to move on. My joke would just be such a letdown after that one. So then we cut to the communist DMV doing a house call Okay, so purgul also warns us that when the communist takeover there's gonna be a shit ton of paperwork y'all There's gonna be oh my god, so if you're a capitalist and a Christian the paperwork is gonna be so Like multiple ages you have no idea

This is a quote if you are a Christian So like multiple ages you have no idea. This is a quote, if you are a Christian, they're going to want to know everything you've done since you were five. Everything. So before you're five, you can just like, whatever you want, you have to go to work. After you're five, that's when they start counting.

And literally we see this plate out where they go, they're doing their communist actions and they go, here, take this single piece of paper and write down a frame quote, everything you have said and done. And this piece of paper. And this piece of paper. Now, and instead of dwelling on how impossible that is, Tommy, it's a, it's a family and Tommy's the boy.

Um, he says, well, what if I was not a Christian and I wasn't a capitalist, would the paperwork be shorter? And he's like, well yes. And then of course the mom and the sister are like, Tommy, you couldn't deny Jesus, could you? Right. But they're also, they're stage whispering in front of the car. Right.

They're like, Tommy, you are a Christian. He's like, I know I'm a Christian. I'm gonna lie to them and tell them I'm not. I'm gonna lie to them and tell them I'm not. His hands on the wrong side of his mouth. 19.50 Peter Laurie here. Yeah, right. And mom insists that he gets murdered for Jesus

like a good boy. Yeah, but he doesn't. He says he's not a Christian and he's not a capitalist and he's not a Christian either. That's actually his line which means he has to shoot his mom yeah shoot his mom you go for the short paperwork you also have to shoot I get it I get that's how they get you want to go for that short paperwork

yeah yeah on the last census visit I did take the long form and I would have shot my mom Well, no, so yeah, that's what he says. He's like, oh, I understand that you're not a Christian, but your mother She is so I you begged these gun and you shoot a young mother Yeah, like to wild and crazy Arrow through the head weird accent. Yes, they've taken Steve Martin's career. Now we know where Steve got all his ideas. Yeah, in what I would call just about a perfect German Cuban American bond villain accent.

He says she is a disease the animal and she must be slaughtered like any disease. The actor really went for it. He really really like so it was nicely see a little, the animal. And she must be slaughtered like any disease. The actor really went for it. He really, really, so it was nicely, see a little hustle out there, you know. But you don't slaughter all disease. Like my cat has in, like a diabetes. I mean, I'm not slaughtering him. Like what the, anyway, yeah, yeah.

Again, like why go for the little shit? This is a capitalist cat. I'm picturing Wilford Brimley wearing cat ears, wandering around your apartment. No one has the heart to tell you. Meow. Meow, no one, meow. He's about the right size for that.

Yeah, yeah, they're about equivalent in mass. And then we get a fucking kid, you not, the torture montage. Right. The torture montage, but I should point out everyone here is stupid, so their tortures are like what a child would think of, right? Based on how the word torture sounds. Like how adults say that we're like, oh, torture sounds bad.

I bet they, and this is a real one one make you stand seven inches from the wall But for a long time though, because your eyes unfocused Copy just torture a lot worse than we get tortured here. Yeah. Oh, yeah stand near a wall They'll tap you lightly on the elbow, but like right on the funny bone every time They give you no water and then they pour salt in your mouth. I was like, if he says nookies, I'm gonna kill you. I'll tie you to a porch. You'll be fed one potato chip, one.

It's like the Holocaust. You have to sit in the comfy chair. And he goes, do these things seem unreal? Yes, as does these things seem unreal let me think it's some different ones though oh yeah well a friend got totally got tortured and he said he says really what's his name um it's not you don't you don't know him he moved he moved right before you all got here Canada we can't trust trust secondhand motivated anecdotes.

What can you trust? So yeah, he knew a guy who said a thing. The Christianity story. Yeah, right. Also, one other phase of the torture was the rope swing. Oh, torture. God Jesus, okay. And before we even describe what this is,

I'm sorry, he'll let you go on, but I just want to let everyone understand. we linger on this for about nine fucking minutes. Yeah. No, the actor's just like on a rope swag like, we rope swag. God, you're getting tortured. What did you say? Thank you. So the torture here is apparently they tie the guy up to a tree and they stick a bunch of pitchforks in the ground right underneath them

And they make his kids hold them on the rope and then drop them on the pitchforks and then pull them back up and drop them multiple times Yeah, like seven or eight times and we watch it like seven or eight times well Tubby Chinese Communist laughs on yeah, yeah, oh my god This point my notes for this movie are just the things in this movie. Why would you need to do more? Yeah, you're just making work for yourself and the next torture after we just saw the pitchfork torture is Sitting on benches with no questions sitting on benches with no questions you're sitting on benches with no cushions my god they showed this film to children

you monsters did he think he was topping the pitch for you you did with benches? he actually says this I get it I mean you're in a church you've been listening to this guy blather on for 25 minutes the only comfort you have is a cushion

and he's like imagine if you didn't have a cushion right now and they're like that that's fucking horrible. Let's go kill that Russian family. Yeah, the way he transitions to this, he goes, does everything I just say sound stupid about the rope swing torture? The next issue I'd like to talk about is how communism will completely undermine proper lumbars.

It's never been. Oh my God. It's a few thought it was ridiculous. Let's never been. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March.

It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March.

It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March. It's been March is so that they can hear a loudspeaker repeatedly, say the following words. Communism is good, communism is good, Christianity is stupid, Christianity is stupid,

give up, give up. That's what they're sitting there listening to on their benches. And honestly, I would rather listen to that for 52 minutes than fucking this move. Oh my God. It's weird that he's not aware of that right this is that lecture on that bench would be far more pleasant than his move

did you know by the way there's certain uh... beetles albums that if you play backwards it says exactly that that's a christianity of the air yeah um... and and now this is where you really get an idea of just how much he thinks of his audience too because he goes Now I know what you're thinking this can't happen until Jesus returns from the dead and the scorpion Locust show up I'm like no, Estes that couldn't be more what I was not Thinking right now that was not my objection whatsoever. You're like the anti-Christ of psychics I know what card you're thinking of. Duranium. Back to the movie. But no, he goes, but Jesus

also said, if you don't come back to me, I will remove the candle stick. What? I mean, it sounds like a story about so like, e-boss 30 for 30 I don't know Yeah, there was definitely some anal going on there in case anybody didn't catch that um and then He's but but he's going like he's got you know the Brazilians. They really love Jesus. Maybe he'll go there because they have Rio and carnival Carnival super cool Ever been there we should like do a road trip Well, right cuz he says like well Jesus might leave America cuz we've turned our back on him and go instead to a country like Brazil Or Indonesia instead to a country like Brazil or Indonesia. He said, Indonesia is 87% Muslim and it was

in 1971 that hasn't changed. Why the fuck were those just the only two countries he knew of that weren't Mexico? I'm saying, I know Jesus ain't going to no fucking Mexico. So what are the other countries? Can't do the sermon on the mountain if you've got montezuma's revenge for your body i don't care if you make your shcoke with real sugar whatever you make water with his of course well he's saying all of this we're getting uh... uh... the nineteen seventy-solution does having a putting on makeup flashback because that makes her hori i guess right and this is where we get introduced to her mother.

And her mother looks like, I, where is, I wrote it down, she looks like Jeffrey Tamber in transparent. That's what the mom looks like. That's a mean thing to say about Jeffrey Tamber or what I just said. Oh yes, oh yes.

It was not nice. That wasn't nice to Jeffrey Tamber. What do you mean? You, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, what I just said. Oh yes, oh yes. This is not nice. That wasn't nice to Jeffrey Tamber. What do you mean? You were so one of them. You got one. I had the human version of the made robot from Jetsons. I was the old lady who owns Tweety Bird. Exactly.

But with air net, yeah, exactly. And of course, we meet her as she's bitching at at Judy by the way, this is the first time we learn the name of the goddamn character that is 1970s Lucinda Mama is bitching at Judy that she needs to love Jesus more Right and then we cut to the infomercial for Christianity right infomercial This is a different preacher and I'm like I wrote my notes, that's his buddy, right? Like you just let his buddy be there. He's like, come on man, you get to do like 48 minutes

in the movie. One minute and he was like, all right, fan. We'll make it 52 minutes long. And well, right. And basically the message that he's sending here is that giving him more money will preemptively solve the communist torture problem and the stabbing of your children in the ears with bamboo.

As long as you give him enough money once a week. And then we get the montage of people going to church and the children singing about loving Jesus, which was the creepiest fucking thing in the movie so far. It's a famous fabric pattern. Yeah, the chorus of girls from the shining. Yeah, that's right. Yes. And then he informs us that every nation that has ever violated the Sabbath has been destroyed.

Things like points. I don't even know what to say to that. All the countries that aren't here now have been destroyed. You know, well done, sir. And then we cut back to mama, telling, imploring, I'm sorry, Judy, to read the scriptures and telling her that she'll be the death of her and then we cut to mama dying

Right of of a left breast pain. Yeah Broken heart. Oh is that what it was. Oh, not enough Jesus. She's got a bad case of the your daughter's a horror Right, right love Jesus or your mother will die. Yes, Perkle went there and of course mom is on her deathbed and only wants her to love Jesus better and She for some reason won't even say yeah, okay ma whatever I Guess and then the doctor shows up and we get the Dead person doctor nod and then that we cut to back to communist land Everyone's getting out of church,

and the Communist guy comes up and he goes, comrade pastor, again, that's not how the word comrade's used. Oh, tell me, was anyone saved today? And the pastor, like a doofus, yes, nature's out of this, yes. He's like, oh, these guys took Jesus. And so I wrote my notes. I was so excited to find out what was gonna happen to them

Maybe were they gonna get like levitated off the ground and then eaten by bears Thurne to a pit full of snakes, but no, they just shoot them Well, they but they first they drag them around behind the church and they start shooting them and then everybody who's coming out of the church says to themselves Hey, they're shooting Christians over there quick unarmed Christians. Let's all run towards that place where they're Shooting us and predictably they all get slow motion fall down shot Also, I want to point out there's a lot of panning shots of women who are covered in blood with their legs ever so slightly spread Yes In the tension of this movie for me to jerk

off to it, but I did. Like, you know when you go on YouTube it recommends videos to you. I watch that video so many times, that's the only video recommended. It just brings up a single screen that says back again and I click and so And then we get the The shot from the preview And there is no fucking way that you will believe this scene unless I just play it for you We could not possibly do this scene justice And of course if you took our advice and watched the preview, you've already heard this feel free to skip ahead about 90 seconds. But if you haven't, this is the best 90 seconds

in the fucking history of film. What's matter, dear boy? Where's my mama and my daddy? He's here to manage. Yeah, let's take a how much better off people be. This date will provide for you, but take care if you ever need. Watch better than your mother or father either. I will go, say. I want my mama and my daddy.

Now, you listen to me, little boy. What is done is done. You now belong to the state. Now you listen very carefully to what I have to say. Either I want to kill you. Don't be ill. Unless you go up it right. Now think.

Now you will step on this picture of your Jesus. With your heel, maybe let you know free. But if you don't, it'll cut your head off. And then he chops the kids head off and Yes, tosses it across the church Are we watching roll down the hill? And by the way first he chops the head off Then he grabs the kids hair and throws the

head just like he's pulling out the Tablecloth run to the plates Is him Passed the scene when two ninjas fight in one of them, like they both run past each other and then one of them is like, oh, and then he's slowly half of his body falls. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Darth Maul splitting in half on his way down. Yeah, exactly. Also, by the way, now the commie soldier, as you just heard, sounds kind of like Chappetto from the state. We'll provide a for you. Take a get off your every knee.

I'm a real dead boy But this is the thing that's too much for Judy and you know what I'd love it if Judy just stood up and just said fuck you and all this Bullshit and just walked out, but instead go marry that long-haired hippie guy Don't you. Yeah. But instead she's like, if I come up here and publicly suck Jesus is dick will you shut up and he's like, yes, so she does.

She does. Yeah. And then so he, she goes up and there's a vision of her mother's coffin. Yes, yeah. She's walking towards us. And the mom and the preacher are saying the same thing. She's like, Judy, I love you. She lived preacher are saying the same things like Judy and love you

She lived you Judy. I want you to come to Jesus. She wanted you to come to Jesus. Yes I farted a little bit She farted a little bit and Then he throws this little nugget out and I think this is an important one He says and if you think all this shit that the communists are gonna do is bad, it's nothing compared to what that all-loving God that we worship is gonna do if you don't love his kid enough, so you know better be it on board. Yeah, exactly. And he does that look, this man yells at

whatever through most of this movie, but the worst part of this movie is him being like, won't you you won't you come to Jesus just like anti-thesis mr. Rogers yeah great mr. Rogers was despite the fact he was a Christian right this is the other side of that coin Fred made a deal he like cut his wrist over a weegee board when he was five and you know he got to be mr. Rogers but on the other hand we got used this krulunka or whatever the fucker's name is. This is whatever ran out of Fred's veins into the rest of the world. Also, can I just point out that when she finally, because we're cutting

between her alter-call and her going up to see her mom's coffin or whatever. And I just want to point out that mom was apparently buried in that hair net. In the hair net, I wrote that down. Mom was buried in her hair net. So dead mom is the lunch lady I guess. And so he says come to Jesus, come to Jesus. And then the last line of this movie is he goes, will you come? I wrote my notes, nope, never again. Never, ever come again based on the fact that I could think of your face at any moment. Strong disagree. For me, I wrote Aspergill, you had me a hello.

With the velvety dulcet tones, strong Southern white man. You look like an inside out to pay. Yeah, and I just want to, there's a couple of things I wanted to point about. Judy's big deconversion scene here. First of all, I talked her back out of the Jesus shit. And now she does this week in misogyny with us. And you know how the story ends. We can skip that on the breakfast cup close.

The other thing, as he says, Judy, will you neo with me now? And I'm like, she know with me, she'd have a lot more fun. But the most important thing, and if you watch this movie, I want you to look out for us again, free on YouTube. At 49 minutes and 18 seconds. We have Judy with her Oscar clip moment where she's finally finding Jesus. And I shit you not. The lady behind her is literally a sleep. Yes, I didn't see this. And I went, I saw it in those notes. It's my went today and looked it up. And I started screaming with laughter. The reason I was in public, I was walking

and I was like, oh, let me see if that's true. And then I just literally in public on 181st Street was like, oh, she's just falling off her hand to sleep. Yeah, it was great. It's great And then of course yeah, and then you have asked us and this is so fucking creepy like as she's saying like oh Jesus died for me He's just going yes Yes, like he's fucking stroking it underneath this little thing

That's why I had to kneel down I guess and then Judy Benz over and takes the Jesus right where Jesus likes it and then heart music. And yeah, it all, it all mercifully comes to a close. The lady who plays the heart looks like her face is sideways. That's all I have. That's my last note. Quite Picasso, and wasn't she? Now I have to be honest, as heavy-handed as this movie was, I'm still having trouble deciphering the message and I'm serious here because as near as I can tell his sales pitch is come to Jesus so that you can be covered and catch up and get your head cut off when the Communist take over I mean is that selling I mean how does this work in your mind? Well or or you can just become a Communist, shoot your mom and go to the front of the line. So he presents both options to be fair. Oh, yeah. Right. I just just

doesn't make one seem more appealing than the other. I get very balanced. All right. Well, I think I speak for all of us when I say that this movie was the single greatest thing that ever happened. So I'm not going to bother with how many bamboo shoots would you gouge into your own ears so that you'd never have to hear this thing again type question this movie lends itself to instead. I want to imagine the deleted scenes because I believe that at some point somebody said involved in the production, Estus, come on bro, we can't show people that. So my question to you to close the episode off When that was said in the production room what scene had Estus just proposed

I'm gonna say that would be the scene about erogenous zone number one Which is of course the uterus pregnant uterus is erogenous zone number one and We learn all about how to hit the Jesus spot. Yeah. It's real. Believe it or not. Real place. Allegedly. Oh I wanted to go the opposite direction is just a clip that he tries to splice into the movie of the actor who played the communist jerking off on to his chest. And he was like, what? They're going to make people do that. We're going to make them do that. I got seven and a half hours of footage over several weeks. I think the people need to see the truth.

We probably need some more footage of that. I'm going to get it in all kinds of different lighting and everything. Well, I guess that's exactly the of different lighting and everything. Well, I guess that's exactly the right note to close on. So that's gonna do it for our review of a footman tire you. What we'll catch up to, but that's not gonna do it for the episode just yet, because we still have to tease you with next week's selection. And while I'm sure nothing will satisfy us after this week,

there's still some really shitty movies out there. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. A matter of faith. There's still some really shitty movies out there, so Eli, tell us what's on deck? A matter of faith. Yeah, so this is what this is um, this is creationist God's not dead. Creationist God's not dead. Look, I have been looking forward to this movie literally for years. Yes, yes, for years. You've been telling me about it for quite a while.

I literally, I tried to, it was playing in New Jersey when we first started the show I tried to go to New Jersey, but I called the theater I was like do you guys have this they were like we showed it once someone burned it and I was like sorry But it's on Netflix now and it the trailer makes the evolutionist look like a good guy Yeah, right. It's just this girl the plot of this movie is a girl goes to college and Her professor has a fun and interesting way of explaining evolution and she comes home to her crazy dad Who's like do they tell you about the part where Vishnu creates the universe? And she's like no dad. I'm in college and he's like I challenge him to a debate

And we also we at Clarence Gillier to gas and in college and he's like, I challenge him to a debate! And we also, we at Clarence Gillier to guess, Clarence Gillier looks like he has not shamed or bathed since he was kicked out of the second left behind. He looks like he's been in Kurt Cameron's basement since that movie wrapped. Oh, and it was so depressing, of course, that the the 80s sitcom that will ruin for you, this Christian movie is Nightcourt because Harry Anderson, yeah, is the... The Magician! Yes, yes, the... Magician! Yeah, and he was Harry the Hat on Cheers, man. Yeah! Killamy, him and Ratson Burger definitely were secretly reading songs of Solomon to each other in a

trail all over the 80s. And now we all know. Wonderful. So with that to look forward to, we'll bring episode 29 to a merciful close. Once again, huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful. And thereby earn early access to every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed the show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating atheist and the skeptic crowd available on iTunes, Stitcher and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodawfulMovies

at gmail.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of Evil Drafts on Mars and was used with permission. If you like what you hear, hear more by following links on the show notes to this episode. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Heath N. Wright and Neil Iboznik, I'm no illusions promising to work hard to earn another chunk next week.

Until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Thanks to the comprehensive sex ed curriculum in public schools. Judy came three times. There you go. That's me right there, that's me. Miranda, the general manager of the nearby Burger king, stop leaving the ketchup packets out front where customers could just take as many as they want. Steve Martin while wandering through Communist America noticed a little boy with a bamboo shoots sticking out of each ear and a legend was born.

Ryan has trouble sitting because he and a legend was born. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I should also note that as soon as I learned of the error I took care of it as soon as I took care of it as soon as possible so I took care of it as soon this time. I should also note that as soon as I learned of the air I should also know I learned of the error. I took care of it as quickly as possible. So anyone who down I'm so after So He made the fart noise You can't not laugh at a fart noise. It's a fart noise Yeah, I'll tell you what Eli I might just have to put your um your sounds in and post. I don't know Hold on, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Let me wait one more time. I got this straight face show must go on

I should also note that as soon as I learned of the error I took care of it as quickly as possible, so anyone who downloaded the show after I should be better at this damn it. I'm a professional I should be better at this damn it, I'm a professional. So we'll make it through one way or the other, it'll just be it, it'll be on the edit then it'll be tough. You like sounds irregular.