God Awful Movies - 30: GAM030 A Matter of Faith

Episode Date: March 15, 2016

This week, Eli, Noah, and Heath join forces once again to take on the most blissfully ignorant film they've encountered so far.  Join them for an atheist review of A Matter of Faith; a film about a father whose daughter's ignorance is challenged by a college education.  After her biology professor has the audacity to teach true things, instead of dad's favorite fairytales, dad has no choice but to challenge the evolutionist to a debate that nobody thinks he can win.  Because he's wrong.  And he's debating a guy who's right.  And has a PhD. --- Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page.

This is so great. She says he's like why she's like I got right with the Lord and I'm like oh my God That is the best break up line ever. Oh nothing kills my boner quicker I write if Anna walked out of the bedroom right now. It was like honey. We can't get married And I'd be like what why I love you. She'd be like I found Jesus. I'd be like great. So this stuff is mine What am I doing? I'm installing Grindr on my phone. Because it's more direct. I just feel like I'm gonna do Tinder eventually as well, but I won't invite you to that. God awful. Movie. who

Welcome back to the game cast where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because it's the only thing that Flix recommends anymore. I'm your host no illusions and sitting to my immediate left is my good friend heath and right heath Welcome back angry. It made me angry to watch this movie. Yes, that was fast. Yes. No, yeah. By all means, jump ahead. I'm barely containing myself. But of course, sitting 989 miles to my right, is my bad friend Eli Bosnick and Eli needs introduced to. Eli, how is art thou? Oh, I art have a meatball inside me.

Barely. Wouldn't it where he put it? Yeah, no, yeah, exactly. It's the Verily. You got to add that. Otherwise, nobody knows the fuck. Shakespeare major. I got it. I nailed it. I crushed him. There you go. So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? All right. We watched a matter of faith and Shakespeare at one. It's the story of a Christian girl who goes away to college only to find out that Biology professors don't teach the Bible very much, but Nobody cares what girls think so really it's the story of her dad

Now he deals with his daughter coming face to face with an evolutionist So yeah, imagine if you took all the best scenes from like God's not dead in her at the wind and WrestleMania 31 Yeah, this movie this movie is what you'd have left over if you took away all those scenes. I see I gotcha And Eli how bad Was this movie this movie was so Fantastic this was the greatest thing that's ever, here's, I have this frequently,

I have this thought a lot, which is I think to myself, I should buy a plane ticket, go down to Valdosta, Georgia and just watch Noah and he watched these movies. There's three different viewpoints, and this is a little behind the scenes. I enjoy these movies, I sit there and I'm like,

ah, look at that guy, and I'm having a good a good time, but knowing he just drags down on their minds that are filled with Start and science and a strong mind. I'm not filled with anything. I've got four car tricks and all the porn I've watched so I got Prove the room for a matter of I got a lot more nothing this than being if I'm being honest. Sorry, go ahead Because this is like if you think to yourself Man, you could watch God's not dead and you can go that's a stupid movie with stupid arguments But the arguments are nebulous enough that you can sort of go. Yeah, I mean sure if you don't understand philosophy or

thinking or Brains or anything I get how you can go but God's not dead It's not like rocks don't exist. That's right. This movie is God's not dead except it's about the physical universe where someone can just be like no man like literally please look at this rock. No professor. I'm not gonna look at that rock. God's not dead here. I'm here. That's probably what was written in this script right there that was the treatment the first treatment and they're like we're gonna have to expand it out to 90 but yeah I think this

was gonna work. So okay can we start with the movie poster did anybody else see this that the the cysteen chapel monkey love picture so amazing the a-pand and the human hand reaching together that's like how can this not be making fun of it self already yeah This movie is look I've thought like oh man. We should write a spoof Christian movie, but this movie already did it It's just like a really like an amazing Tim and Eric's catch it's a 90 minute Tim and Eric's catch All right, so I mean I don't know if this is the worst movie that we've ever it's definitely my least favorite movie We've ever watched. Yeah, it is I would say it is the most joyous in ignorance. Yes, it's the most that's like Is it really like is that is that like that's it's the most it's the most proud to be stupid It's it's wearing most it's the most proud to be stupid

It's it's wearing a make America great again hat I think it's definitely the Dunning Kruger is movie yeah, right right well, and it's it's also the most depressing Because okay, like I think about this a lot like what if I had to sit with the audience that enjoyed this movie this is the audience I would least well, I don't I maybe the footman if But I mean, but the people enjoyed it footman tire you were like probably like us mostly You know the people who enjoyed this movie except for people with Eli or like Eli who are that weird genetic thing going on Where they enjoy shit like this those people are the scariest fucking people you could share a room with I think Yeah, because the other thing about this movie that's crazy and we'll get into it when we get into the actual breakdown

But like it's not just like they don't understand science There are parts of this movie where the movies narrative changes and we have seen it and it's not true. Like the dad comes in very clearly challenges the professor. The professor's like, well, why don't we have a discussion about it? That sounds like a really great topic for debate. And then the next scene, he's like, he cornered me! He helped me by my throat and wouldn't let me knock today! And I was like, no man, you went into his office, told him to stop teaching biology, and he was like, would you like to talk about this? And you were like, yes I would. Thanks a bunch. If this movie is lying about itself at a certain point, yeah.

Fucking bizarre. Well, I, I, I, I, quick before one of us evolves into a bottle knows dolphin, I guess we need to pause for a quick break. And when we come back, we'll break down all the volatious arguments and spectacularly off the mark strawman that are a matter of faith. With God's not dead, war room and a matter of faith simply breaking it in at the box office, we couldn't help ourselves, so we decided to hack into the pure flicks mainframe and find out what future titles they have in

store for us. Now we don't want to spoil the entire movie for you, so we pulled some of our favorite selections from future Christian debate movies. First up, Son of Sons. Professor, what's it going to take for you to admit that the sun revolves around the earth and not the lie you're telling your students? Uh, well, if you look through this telescope that I have and get down off your desk. The LIE of the telescope again! Coming in 2018, we have flood of faith.

You know damn well the flood is proven by science and you're just trying to keep the truth down. What are you trying to hide? We are standing next to a tree that is 2,000 years older than you claim the Earth to be. It's right there. The tree is right there. Sorry, Professor, but I'm afraid it's going to take more than a tree to outgrow my faith. And finally, bigger than faith. Literally, look, this is a mustard seed and this is a fennel seed which of them is larger.

Just look with your eyes, which is bigger. I'm sorry professor, I forgot my glasses. I hate you. And we're back for the breakdown and I have to say that my first note was a familiar one when watching the credits for Christian movies. Why do they all use the same font as my notes? Yes, time New Roman seems to be the Christian movie's standard. I guess. Yeah. Oh, okay, but like, can we get a nice font? Like, the one they have in other movies? Yeah, they just cost about, you know, six, seven thousand dollars.

Times New Roman is fine. Yeah Like a comic sans no No, okay, so we start this movie out watching a I guess it's supposed to be a dad and daughter moment But we don't know that that man is that little girl's father and the first thing we see him do is lead her into a covered bridge So the very first thought you have in this movie is oh no little girl don't go in there Going I wrote in my notes going into the barn to get murder rapes. No, it's a bridge thing. Still gonna get murder rapes. You know, easier exit.

Also, there's only one song in this entire fucking movie. So my music note for this scene and what is going to be 90% of the other scenes is, James Harriet is looking out over the Yorkshire Dales. Get used to it because that same song comes back over and over and over. Yes, yes it does. And now we get to what is apparently a pivotal moment in the lives of many people. Don't ruin it though. Sorry, yes, spoiler. So they happen to find a little pond where a little boy is skipping rocks and the little girl wants to skip rocks too So she hurls them straight up in the air Okay, well,

Fucking idea. By the way, though, I mean, yeah, the the kid wasn't throwing the rocks correctly for skipping either, but he actually did Throw them correctly like if he was holding a baseball which is like possibly the first actor we've ever seen correctly perform an act of sporting in any of these movies. So we're gonna be the last time we see it in this movie, that is for sure. For certain, yeah. But then, so they're skipping rocks together and then the girl comes upon a half dollar. And the little boy goes up to her, grabs her opens her hand takes the half dollar and then walks away and

She's human mad and she's mad and the both parents are just sitting there now We're gonna later learn that the parents both react in their own way But at this point in the movie both parents watch that happen and you're just like Like just like, all right, let's get some ice cream. Like, should have danced back. The fuck knows. So then we cut to eight years later, and it's time for the little girl to go off to college. So dad's giving a speech at Rachel's going off to college party.

And dad, so we got to spend a minute on dad. Oh, dad looks like he got too old for softcore porn. You're right. Right. The whole time I'm looking at him. I'm like, shouldn't you be undermining RoboCop? Yeah. Dad looks like someone came inside a planet fitness tanning booth and this is what it

gave her. He looks like Superman's absentee father. He looks like the guy who raped Ben Affleck into existence. Yes. Yes. Looks like Pablo Escobar's lawyers in every cooking movie. So he's given this speech about how his little girl is going off to college and he's like, you promise you won't get married until you're 45 and everybody cracks up laughing because he owns her of course. He is rushing. It is night at the goddamn Apollo. And he's getting

laughs where it doesn't make any sense. He's like, well, I've been waiting for her to go to college for a while and everyone in the room is like, oh, God, stop, I'm going to die. Seriously, don't become a lesbian though. But in the this movie may have the worst like forced crowd laughter of any movie that that's gonna come back again and again in this film oh yeah the Google Gobble Google Gobble from Freaks is less just concerned in the last part of this point of way party is there any you just got a little person in a bird man doing a little Google Gobble together linting with enough laughter from a matter of faith. Can we before we can we talk about Rachel the daughter and mom also Rachel but Rachel

gets told she looks like Anna Pacquan right around last call at the bar very clearly definitely and she looks like she still has all her baby teeth. I like they got pushed in a little bit they're all still there. Rachel she looks like Andy McDowell's failed Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha That's what I got for you. Has it a crafter? Yeah, she certainly had that going on. Looks like she kind of looked like Jay Leno went to Antaylor Law. She's a little bit. She's also wearing a scarf in every single scene, including this first one with the packing that we're about to move into. And I wrote in my notes, I think she's wearing that scarf because she's the lady from the scary story in her head.

We'll fall off. But her husband doesn't care enough to ask her to take off the scarf. This is the happy ending to that scary story. You don't want to know what happens when I take up? Nope, I'm fine. You're just a fuck puppet to me. Give me sons! Also, I just want to point out that it doesn't get much better, but the gaps between these people's lines are so huge you could fuck them.

I'm like, I'm gonna miss you. Three, four, five. I'm gonna miss you. Who's four, five. I'm gonna miss you. What happens? Where was everyone on radio delay? Dude, I swear, that is like the first of like 11 times that I wrote in my notes like, man, they were stretching to try to get feature length. I felt like the director would say go before every new line. And they said it.

Alright, now you go. Okay. And dad puts $50 in her Bible, which honestly, you're going off to college and he puts 50 bucks in your Bible. Fifth, and that's like an eight to good shit. Dad, come on. Exactly. It's not going to last a minute of tuition. Right.

Yeah, right. Exactly. Because now it's time to arrive at college where she meets her roommate and I wrote man I wish I was watching first time lesbian porn. I was at the time. I didn't wish. Take a pause did you? Yeah. And by the way this roommate is Gord. She looks, she gets told she looks like Kate Beckinsale at last call. Maybe a couple hours before last call. She gets honest, Kate Beckinsale comments. Yeah. And I couple hours before last call. She gets honest. Kate Beckinsale comments. Yeah.

And I want to point out just a little behind the scenes. All three of us have lesbian porn in our notes. All three of us have like, the lesbian porn? You know lesbian porn. Order pizza. Order pizza and have no money for the delivery girl. Please do it now.

They're gonna do, no, they don't do it. But she's never been with a guy before. Maybe you could teach her. Yeah. And as if that's not depressing enough, this is also where we meet Harry Anderson for the first time and he looks as depressed to be in this movie as I am to see him in this movie. Yes, and again simultaneously in all of our notes, we have some variation of Harry. Why? You invented needle through the arm. Come on, Harry, you did better than this. Oh my God. You should have invested in Apple. That cheers money. They wouldn't even let him have the hat, man. That was so fucked so fucked up so so he's the biology professor and obviously he's gonna be a pivotal character in this

movie and for like the whatever 8 a.m. biology class he seems pretty god damn good I had like a 7 a.m. biology class or whatever and I would have killed for this guy he brings out a rubber fucking chicken on day one yeah he's wonderful he's funny and he's supposed to be the bad guy in this movie. They did a terrible job of making him the bad guy in this movie, because the first thing he is is funny, interesting, and clear. Right, very, very clear. He also says you just get a C for showing up. Yes, which is awesome. Yeah, right. Sounds atheist. He's supposed to be the bad guy.

He's supposed to be like, and it's going to be my way or the highway. I've never thought I would say this, but credit to Kevin Sorbo. At least Kevin Sorbo's character wasn't like of all rights. He wasn't like, guys, welcome to Philosophy, where we're going to explore the human experience who wants some candy. From Fidel Castro, I wouldn't have. We're gonna explore the human experience who wants some candy. Yeah. Hahaha. From Fidel Castro. I would have.

Yeah. I'm a question. So wrong movie, wrong movie. It's a, it all care. And it all bleeds to gather at a certain point. So now we cut to my favorite scene in the movie if for a lot of reasons, but mostly because of the painful white people dancing.

This is amazing. So her roommate convinces her to go to a party. Right. The only thing Rachel, the main character of this movie, I'll save you 90 minutes. The only thing Rachel in this movie ever does is study. Everyone walks up to her and goes, Rachel, what are you doing?

And she goes, studying again. She appears to only have one class, but that's all she ever does. And she's studying because she's overworked that's the only character thing they had for her in the entire script and her roommate's like no we're going to a party and the party turns out to be on a porch I guess and the first the first shot we get of it is white people dancing and they're literally doing the like I don't even know how to describe it I'm doing it with my body but it's a podcast is white people dancing and they're literally doing the like,

I don't even know how to describe it. I'm doing it with my body, but it's a podcast. I would pay so much to see you doing that with your body. I can't. I should be a Patreon goalie, shit. I can't explain it. My arms are moving up and down. Opposite to different rhythm.

You want to see like on chat, Rulette, he'll do a whole show for you guys do no swing it left You'll swing it right on you if you end up with me on chat roulette that is on You so okay, so like I just want to let the audience though because this is not a movie I would recommend watching like last week you should have watched along with us It was fun. It was 54 minutes. It was just incredibly stupid this movie you shouldn't watch but you can just go straight to six minutes and 40 seconds to see the most painful white people dancing that you will ever fucking see yeah it's real bad yeah yeah and then

because the movie was too realistic the popular boy Jason comes to hit on her and the popular boy Jason in this movie looks like a men's rights activist Halloween costume You know he looks like he looked every time I looked at that character. I was like where's his Yamaka? Oh, you should be wearing the Yamaka. He is the physical embodiment of snott from American You just the live action version of not damn it. You should watch beyond six minutes and 40 seconds to see how definitely Eli nailed that and that was only shit. I thought he kind of looked like James Spader before the evil spell got cast. Like still pretty evil looking but much less. Yeah. Yeah. There you go. I also,

like still pretty evil looking but much less. Yeah, yeah, there you go. I also, this is where she lists off the classes she has in college. And this is, I just wanted to point this out because it's so stupid. It's like Ben Affleck and Goodwill, hunt thing, he's like, oh, I'm taking history and, and, and math and recess and biology. And I'm sorry, algebra. Yeah, she's taking algebra at call not linear algebra just

out just pluses and minuses mostly, you know, Mac, you know, ex-manu-marital shit. College. But I love the way that he hits on her, which is apparently impersonating her biology professor. Yeah, he's memorized Marcus Cayman's entire welcome speech. He's like, you mean the one where he's like, welcome, welcome, welcome.

What's going on? And it's like, why did you memorize that professor's speech? Yeah, do you not memorize all of the, like, some pussy or what? This crushes this college. And believe it or not, we're still in the sane part of this movie So and then again stupid useless scene they show that the girls waking up and the one girl brought the other one juice and the only reason I Point that out is because it offers up a two girls one cup joke

Which I would have probably rather have been watching at this point At this point I was like if they're not gonna have a fucking pillow fight and fucked it i'm gonna watch more porn on my phone yeah how that's crazy they're not having a morning pillow but we do get a cut over in this moment to her dad and we get i mean obviously no one who made this movie went to college or they wouldn't think

the things they think but the dad is taking a phone call so that we can establish. She's at college and he's like, yeah No, she's doing really well. She's at the college. Yeah She wants to be a pharmacist and it's like the college just college. Yeah, well Just and of course I was a university And Mrs. Where's like well, you know, we wanted her to go to a good Christian school But she wanted to be a pharmacist so

you know that's a real thing christian school won't won't get you real professionals can't teach any no to work with bleach and all this good stuff but don't worry dad sure that she'll find a really good church over there at college uh... and then we cut back to harry anderson's class where we're all really hoping he's going to do something villainous, but fuck he's not. No.

In fact, he's going to give a really, really fantastic metaphor for chicken and egg to begin to explain evolution. Yeah. He explains it really well. So he basically brings out a rubber chicken and an egg and that gets a laugh because he's charming and lovely. And he says, which came first, the chicken and the egg. And everyone's like, well, I don't know.

And then he goes on to explain that, you know, life comes from life and the egg comes first. And yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, pre-dates chickens by about 290 million years. You know if you're curious. Yeah, and Rachel feels persecuted by that yeah, yeah, pre days chickens by about two hundred and ninety million years of your curious. Yeah, and Rachel feels persecuted by this very She's blown away. Just what black people feel like this must be taught

She is blown away by the fact that eggs came before chickens It's like she's just been told the simulated universe theory for the Staring at her hands, counting her fingers universe theory for the first time. She's like staring at her hands, counting her fingers. Well, you're in running down, she just can't leg. There's even sad evolution music playing in the background. Though he's like, when he's like, because of evolution and the sad violins come up.

Oh, God, fuck off. Right, and she turns to her friend. And she's like, what did you think about what the professor said? And she's like, I don't know. I mean, he's a biology teacher. So he probably knows his shit, right? She's like, I mean, my dad just wouldn't agree with it.

And she's like, what's your dad do? Not science. Yeah. So that's what I should probably consider that, but I'm not going to know. No, at no point. At no point, including, okay, spoiler alert. And I just want to point, I'm not, I don't want,

when we get to the debate at the end of the movie, we know this, this dad has so little expertise that he's introduced at the debate as, and this guy has a daughter. He must. We've got a biology professor and someone who fucked a lady. So, as we go through this movie, just remember, it's not like the dance also was scientist. He's just a guy. He's just some dude. They don't even give him a profession.

And speaking of useless stupid shit, which is, I mean, just like this movie in general, this is where we meet Shane the archiver who we will never need to have met. Yeah, I just wrote three characters have a scene. They probably have a connection with a lot. I guess we'll find out. Really? They have names. But Shane is one of, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. So, Shane has the archive, all the old college newspapers. That's not important, but we're going to spend a lot of time with it. But everyone in the scene looks like a fucking ectomorph. Everyone looks like the first triad humanity. Like I was like, no, no, no, crumple that one up and throw it in the garbage. That's so good.

It needs one forehead, Brian, for the last time. One forehead. Shane has definitely told Riddles on a bridge before. Yeah, absolutely. With hair on his palms, yeah then we cut of course to the Jason that's not yeah but he's talking in Jason who looks like puberty got set into a mirror three times going to break up with

this fairly hot girl because she didn't instantly fuck him yeah I think so yeah yeah so he's broken up with her because Because she didn't instantly fuck him. Yeah, I think so. Yeah. Yeah So he's broken up with her because they were supposed to watch TV in his room But she would only watch TV in the lounge because she's a good Christian girl Yeah, and again, this is where we get the first cannot throw an object at all. We're back to Christian actors, but like Also, they're wearing flag football gear at the point But they have no idea what that is they do not know why they're wearing these flagged When kids wearing the flag like a tie around his neck no idea what's happening

And also obviously the script was supposed to have like some football here, but that was like and the actors were like ah No, no we we can stand with a football in the shot at the absolute most. We do not just ask it at all, a lot. Everyone in this movie throws the way I do, just all from the shoulder, you're just pushing straight outwards like you're sending a Chamea Maya at Goku.

You take the foot. Oh, my arm hurts. Yeah, it's because you fell on the ground after you threw it. That's how hot I was throwing. It's because I tried so hot. Like throwing an arm full of sand. Yeah, it looks like. So like Tim Tibo now.

And then we get, I want to point out, before we do this scene, I want to point out that this is still the same part of the movie because then we get the egg scene. Oh, yes. Wow. Okay, now for some clarity, and it's not great, but here's some clarity. Harry Anderson wrote a book of pranks and bar bets and this is one of them. Oh right. So it's very clear. So some background on this, Harry Anderson went crazy a few years ago.

So I'm a magician. I know the magic community. And when we decided to do this movie, I was like, Harry, not Harry. So I called around and I was like, what's going on with Harry? What's going on with Harry? And I found out a few years ago, apparently allegedly, Harry met a Christian lady and she converted him over to Christianity and he's super into Jesus now

and he's completely severed ties with all magicians and hasn't talked to anybody since. He married this Christian woman because like she thought that part of his, because he was an atheist before, part of his atheism was that he hung around magicians. Oh, James Randy, yeah, go by association. Exactly, go by association.

So the reason for this exe, which doesn't make any sense, but I feel like I should clarify, is he wrote a bar bet book back in the day. This is one of them in there, so at some point, someone was like, Harry, you're hilarious. You once performed for humans that didn't think a guy walked on water. of them in there so at some point someone was like Harry you're hilarious you once performed for humans that didn't think a guy walked on water what would be a really funny thing to do here and since Harry hasn't been funny since the 60s he was like have her break some eggs on someone and that's what we get so and the way the scene starts is so fucking weird okay so we see what's a

Rachel and her roommate and Jason And they're all sitting at the the the commissary or whatever together and they're going and they're trying to talk her into doing something and we don't Know what it is but from the way they're talking. It's clearly like Showing somebody her tits Or I thought it was gonna go fucking right right. No, are they paying her to fuck that guy? What it made sense? I thought she was gonna like put it. Right, my notes are, are they paying her to fuck that guy? What a made sense. I thought she was gonna like put her face into a soup and blow like, do you understand?

I bet the money. Would have been better, but no, it's a trick about, I'm gonna break three eggs on your head for a hundred bucks, but then you only break two and you keep your hundred bucks and get the fuck beat out of you by whoever you did that. That doesn't work. That's not true.

No, you would have still owe him $66 and $67. That's just fair. Right. But I guess we're supposed to be saying, oh, college, this is so secular of them or something like that. Because when Jason handed her the eggs, I was like, oh, she's supposed to put those inside her and make it across the lunchroom without them breaking, right?

Like, I know this game. I've won this game several times seriously man you have eight eggs inside you threw me in there I could solve a Rubik's Cube the hamsters holding them in yeah yeah right but no instead it's the stupid egg breaking thing right so she breaks these eggs overhead and my favorite part of this is the the background voiceovers for the tyler's like peanut gallery or friends when this is happening it's supposed to be like two other guys at the table with him but we hear like two hundred people reacting to a rap battle in the bag like you better get

that hundred dollar she gonna make you look like a bitch better do it Craze and my favorite part the let somebody goes scrambled son My favorite part is when he hands she hands the friend the money to prove that she's gonna give $100 He goes real money man is like oh you thought she had a counterfeit $100 bill man is like oh you thought you had a counterfeit $100 bill now sorry man now that I'm touching this this is clearly monopoly money he holds up like a jeweler's lens he's doing the ink test on it do you always carry one of those pants and now I'm glad I do come in handy eventually and the archiving characters who still don't make any sense come back and do their exact same scene Again, right. Hey guys, we need you to archive these newspapers. Why are we doing it? Oh fucking no, we need 90 minutes

I swear this movie like getting to 90 minutes was like a bad student trying to reach the page count Yeah, you know like there are many things to say about a matter of Faith like matter of faith is a film. Yeah, right right exactly. It's like Trump in the word win. Yeah Cool as I could tell you all fix the health insurance. I'm gonna fix the health insurance because the health insurance is broken I'm gonna fix Rubio's got a tiny dick bring him out bring it out It's gonna be his first executive order. Okay, now I want him to be the president just because of that. So, at any rate, now we cut to the library,

which is where fucking Rachel exists exclusively, apparently. She doesn't eat her sleep, she just sits in the library studying super hard for the class of shill never take yeah exactly um so now Tyler the kid who's who's had she broke the eggs over shows up and we think that he's coming up to beat the shit out of her but it turns out it's to uh to flirt to flirt and this is small talk at a rape trial awkward. Oh my god. Standing outside a courtroom. So how have you been? Rate, rate, right? Sure. Yeah. Well allegedly, allegedly we are not in there yet. I mean, no. Yeah, yeah. Oh, it's so bad. Like Tyler comes up and says says I was wondering if you knew where I could get some eggs You know for breakfast remember cuz I'm the egg guy yeah, and then literally he goes we should go to the debate tonight She's like where's the debate and he's like there's a poster by the copier and she's like there's a poster by the copier

And he's like yeah And I'm like we have been talking about where the poster is for three minutes. I will kill myself and send you a video Literally true again trying their damnedest to get to feature length there He's like no no he seriously he's like no if you go around the corner right by the copier over here There's a bulletin board and the poster is on that Well, there's actually a switch copier is it it by the one on the left which my left or your left because they're facing obviously. It'll say you are here and then just trace to the left from that. You should draw me a map. I'll make a some grid paper. For that

we'll need Evan who will meet soon enough. So I guess he pulls the old you cracked eggs on my head card to get a date to go to the debate. It works every time. This is a stalker. This is a long con premeditated stalking thing. Oh yeah, there are lifetime movies about this. This guy is terrifying. Right.

We should get this out of the way clear quickly because it's confusing and on my second viewing I got it, but on my first viewing I didn't. The only reason Tyler is asking her out is he's going to fuck her as revenge for cracking eggs over his head. Actually, I thought it was because he set it up. Yeah, he got his buddy to trick her into thinking she was tricking him, but oh, he's setting up. So he could play the egg card later. Yeah, long con.

Long con. So I don't get it. It's terrible It's really that fucking bad Yeah, and keep in mind that this is a completely unnecessary plot element to the movie that is that fucking Confusing that you can watch it twice and still go. Okay, wait what was what was Tyler's the exception of Christian movies And it's supposed to be like a 10 things I hate about you moment. Like we're supposed to go, oh my gosh, she just wanted to date her the whole like, what? That doesn't, ah!

Ah! Ah! Oh, now I'm more upset. So then we get to the debate that they went to. Now this isn't the debate. This is just a debate. Apparently they're debating math yeah

formal debates aren't done with math not generally That's you wouldn't go but you can't like you can't have like British parliament going crazy over like somebody's integration And no right, but I do like to point out that they the reason i think that this scene exists is so that this movie could shit on debates because it's i think it's very clearly supposed to be like shitting on intelligent square because that's what convinces people that there is no god so they created this scene just to be like i mean debates are really stupid and boring if the creationists aren't allowed and my right nobody shows up to them unless you're allowed to talk about whether or not a boat could survive a flood around the world Well, and I got to say honestly. I love your theory because then this scene makes some kind of fucking sense So they they finish their debate and he's like you owe me a date and she's like oh, I can't I've got to go home

And he's like you owe me a date and she's like, oh, I can't, I've got to go home and he's like, you owe me a date. You're like, okay. Here comes that lifetime movie. Oh, God. And then we get Rachel going back. Then it was called you owe me a date. Yeah, that was the name of the movie. And then we get Rachel going back home for a visit.

And her dad comes into the room like, hey, how you liking college? And she's like, it's great. Professor Kaman is awesome, which is the 11th time Someone has talked about how awesome professor K. Minnes at this point in the movie. Well like 20 minutes in It's not only is that terrible, but he comes in and she's talking about Tyler And he's like so who's this Tyler is he bigger than me? He's bigger than me

bigger than me. Did you bigger than me? Did you see it? Did you see it hard? Did you see it soft? I can get harder. I can get harder. The last time it doesn't count. That was not the subcontext of this scene.

You watch this movie. You tell me it's not the subcontext of this scene. No illusions. No illusions.usions. No allusions. The Twitter revenge card comes out again. And of course, he's, so he's like, have you found a good church and then mom's yelling from below, we're gonna be late for church. And then somebody says,

will you grab my Bible? It's just church, church, Bible, Jesus church. And I'm convinced that the whole reason all of that's in there is because so far it just seems kind of like a regular bad movie. So it feels like they're yelling, they're just saying to the audience, don't worry guys, Jesus is coming, Jesus is coming. Yeah, it's like when you buy a CD that's music for dogs, they have like a weird high pitch noise every other song. So the dog breaks the tension again, and that's the Christian movie version of this.

No, don't worry grandma, look, the Bible. The Bible. The Bible. Right. Right. Also, he looks in her Bible when she leaves the room and she hasn't opened her Bible because, you know, she's been at college learning real shit. Yeah, right. And he takes the money back. Dick.

Also, by the way, how many times have we watched a movie where the mom dumps coffee into the sink for no reason? This is like the 18th time out of 30 movies we've done that that's happening. I'm starting to think it's an Illuminati code. Right. She dumped the coffee, go agent, go. And speaking of the mom, could she look more Jewish? I mean, they even made her out she went skinny for this fucking movie is not good i wrote my

not-scaled or likes that her daughter's happy but dad is a few haha the skeleton head muscles yeah anyway uh... yeah so so and then this is where the movie completely loses is shit because this is when dad goes to the googles to find out about this professor came in uh... and learned that ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta Yeah, by the way my music note here is Jason Bourne is about to find out who's really running the operation But Paul Greengrass pissed off the soundtrack guy so he's not really even trying anymore

We're going for Jason Bourne. Fuck you. Yeah, right. Right Dave was in charge And I do want to say to on this this whole evolution in a storyline This is the first time the movie up first of many times this movie really pissed me off. Okay There aren't evolutionists. There aren't this movie really pissed me off okay there aren't evolutionists there are darwinists this is you fuck wads that's not how it works in science we don't have gravity

is that's just how shit is you have scientists you have rationalists but you don't have evolutionists he's a hard core heliocentric is that what the fuck are you even talking about he's a part that biology professors in evolution that biology professor knows about biology is that what you're fucking saying oh my god in the guys that

the dad is just like freaking out he's talking to his preacher is going to like yeah yeah there's nothing in the court this is an actual line i went back and wrote this god damn line down verbatim he says there's nothing in the course. This is an actual line. I went back and wrote this goddamn line down for beta. He says, there's nothing in the course description about biblical creation as even a plausible alternative. Well, a fucking course. There is a GI wonder why? Right. There's nothing about whether or not the earth rests

on the back of a turtle. I'm only getting the thing. You just say it anywhere. Just a quick question. Are pastors teaching evolution as an alternative? when they talk about the book of Genesis and bracelets? Could be balanced? Do they do that? So now that we've read from Matthew, I just wanted to point out that the other side of this issue is that was all bullshit. Total bullshit. I'll just pull out the alert unit species and we'll start reading from there. According to Dawkins, yeah right, no they don't do that at all. And the preacher has one of the greatest lines in the history of Christian movies right now.

Oh yeah. He's going like, you know, well yes, all the people who know things seem to agree with him about evolution. And I thought we were going to go to, so maybe they're compatible, but instead he says, and we've all got this written on our notes as well. The attack on Genesis is a real battle ground I guess that's the next one Millionaire movie, but it's a sci-fi and it's the attack on Genesis where it's just atheist Storming the walls of Genesis the last religious capital and the universal empire

Oh also, I thought we were just gonna be going after like you know we were just gonna be breaking into hotels and taking the giddy and ripping Genesis. Oh I thought it was gonna be like liquid metal guy going back and killing God at the beginning. Never happened. Give me a close. I like Heath's sway better that's our that's gonna be our billion dollar patreon So so then this is also where debt and of course this is Yeah, right, I still have east of east of god, oh, and then Jesus when he kills Jesus Jesus can look at him and he can go I'll be back Come on!

Get all the brackets going. God damn it, I wish we were watching that instead of this fucking movie. So this is also where Dad decides that he's gonna go to the college and straighten that evolutionist out himself. Yeah. Again, remember this for later in the movie. Dad decides he is going to go to the professor and straighten the professor out to his office to the professor's office where he works Yes, but before we do that we've got to remember that this movie doesn't actually know anything about

Because Harry Anderson is about to do a real bad job of talking about evolution is about to do a real bad job of talking about evolution. So awful. So the dialogue that he has with a student is basically this. He's like, so Tommy, you're a good runner, right? And Tommy's like, yeah. And he's like, how fast do you run? And he's like, three. And he's like, oh, three is pretty good.

But do you know that 500 years ago, three would have been the world record. That's because we evolved No, no, it's not What is that think that's the way where if you like cut off an animal's arm It's baby will be born without an arm. Yeah, that's right It's not evolution. No, no look that's diet and exercise routines and shit like that It just teaching people from when they're fucking younger and knowing more about it. That's not how evolution works You don't we didn't evolve

Over the last 62 years in 1904 the Olympics the example. Yeah, in 1932 we grew a second arm Everyone got gills for you They went away nobody used used them, but they were amazing. 1985. I wrote in my notes, okay, Professor, I'm going to give you a note here. I think you want to start with, how about, is it interesting that you don't have fins? I'm right. I would have been a little bit better, but yeah.

And again, this is going to be a running theme in this movie These people have not the blindest fucking clue what evolution is or what that word means or what questions that fucking theory solves or anything This is like I ate three pot brownies and you made me describe evolution. I'd be like oh well, okay We used to be slow, but now we're fast man it is real hot in here i don't want to be the only one haha at the level of dialogue and knowledge we have about evolution in this movie but but it was more like you had to explain the the fucking laws of thermodynamics on me because I think you can still do better and get closer.

You can at least be like, oh, there's monkeys once. Fish monkey people. That would have been closer than what he got. 1940s Germany black people. That's it. Black people are the top until we get new ones. Are there new black people? I feel like new black people are like, I don't know, they're like dark black. You know, like the guys who try and sell you those

bus tickets and time square. Are them next? Guys, I need some orange juice. We also get a another shot. I would say the Oscar shot of this movie, of Rachel looking uncomfortable and oppressed during class again. It's like 12 minutes of her looking like she just had a vasectomy. Right. He's teaching evolution at her. Yeah, whether she likes it or not. But this is when Evan swoops in for the first time. And we haven't really talked about this

because Evan's just been in the archiving scene so far, but Evan has a soul patch so huge it covers his entire face. Evan looks like if he's not playing the clarinet at all times, he should be killed. He should be in some kind of weird, hellish universe where he can only breathe when he breathes through a clarinet. But he swoops in because Rachel saw upset by the not evolution. She's just been taught. And he's like, Rachel, what do you think about what the professor said? And she's like, it's so confusing. And he's like, don't worry, Rachel. He's not right. No, no, he's about what? He's definitely right about. Well, no, he's definitely not right about the 1904. Biology, that's not your biology's false. I'm sorry right about the 1904 biology. That's not your biology's false

I'm sorry who were you? Oh, I'm the newspaper archiving guy. I'm in a I was in two scenes already I mean, I'm clearly important. I've been clearly established And then we've got to go back to Tyler and his buddies talking about whether or not he's gonna fuck her And then we get the visit from mom and dad. They came to see her at the college. Right. But only because dad really needed an excuse to go tell off that damned evolutionist. And here's the thing. If you were writing this movie and you wanted to make your main character empathetic, you have the professor like jerking off to rate porn in his office and pulls up his pants he's like what do you want stupid religious person? Oh you love your god do you? I shit on your god I shit on your god but that's not at all what happens. No no Harry is so nice he couldn't be more conciliatory when the dad comes in and says I hear you're telling

my daughters we come from monkeys. That ain't my culture and heritage. Been learning my kid about evolution monkey boys. We'll pop our faith on this table right now. Let's go. The first thing Professor Cayman says, does your religion make you happy? And look, I don't have the issues with that,

but he says does your religion make you happy? And the guy's like yes And he's like fine live and let live go have your religion. I'm gonna be a science teacher. Have a good one Yeah, he's like no way to second wait It's like the nicest way you can respond to somebody showing up at your biology professor office. Yeah, right I'd be like actually I wrote an apology on the inside of my ass cheeks. Can you read it for me? Look into the eye of so wrong It looks like that'll drum pucker and doesn't and this is also of course where Harry challenges dad to the debate

Right and the challenge. Well, first of all, I want to point out a couple of things first of all I have never seen Noah change the font size in his notes before. In 87 size font biology professors really have to deal with this. And that's the thing. Look, okay, so I'm a big fan of great courses, and I listen to a lot of them. And in the first course of almost everything I listen to, they have to apologize for God not existing, except for the linguistics ones where they just have

to apologize for Nome Chomsky existing. But every science one or philosophy or whatever, they have to kind of start off going, okay, so I know you might think there's a God, and that's great, that's really great, but we're just gonna ignore the fact you think that for the next 24 lectures, okay? Okay, and that's honestly like every biology professor probably has his prepared crazy dad just came to bitch at me for a fucking

Evolution being true Speech at his fucking ready. He probably has a set of cards and his goddamn fucking drawer right there in case he's drunk when it happens fucking drawer right there in case he's drunk when it happens. They have in the classical music appreciation course. I like it. And in the classical music appreciation one at the very beginning he goes, we're gonna be talking about the church and I just want to say the church fans. Fantastic. But we're gonna be talking about some of the murdery rapy stuff they did.

So just want to remind you, I just think that Pope guy is great. He says gays are people. How about that? People touch his deformed guys and fucky Spotlight who so and also I want to point out because this is gonna happen about four or five times Rachel shows up at the fucking At the biology professor's office and says dad please don't embarrass me please don't do this please don't embarrass the whole fucking human race by coming in here with your dumbass religious bullshit this is a college where smart lives right also this is

exactly what professor came in says to me says look I think religion's fine and if it makes you happy but these come come from, quote, this is the exact quote, these come from real people conducting real experiments and deals with real evidence. Mm-hmm. That's a line in the, again, this is your movie. Don't have the other character say that. Right. Have the character be like, I choose to believe evolution because it feels good, because I get to rape this puppy Don't be like hey man if you want to be religious that's fine, but I'm gonna be over here studying things I can look at in a microscope

Right no, it's that he's like oh no, um, let's have this open dialogue about it Let's get a debate going but just one question you do believe for real in creationism, right? You really like wink, like I know. At this point, I was like, Harry Anderson is secretly Christian. I'm calling it right now. This is a whole chain, it's like a runaway jury trick. No, nice. That would have been a fun twist, but this movie didn't do fun or twists.

And again, in this movie, Dad shits his goddamn pants. Now, this movie makes the excuse like, oh, I don't know how to talk in public. Yeah, that professor is one of them fancy Jew-tongued speakers. I don't know, I'm just a simple man with the truth of God behind me. Right, but so that's the excuse the movie gives,

but it's very clear when he goes, do you wanna talk about this? When the dad's like, I don't want I just want to feel To yell at someone and then they would say sorry Well, and then obviously okay, so then know, he goes back to tell mom what happened and mom's like, are you fucking stupid? And he's like, I had to. This man obviously has no respect for God.

Yeah. I'm like, well, but he was just so goddamn nice to you just a minute ago. You are, like, you're misrepresenting the scene that just happened. And you saw, we saw this happen. He says he cornered me and I'm like, no, he didn't. You cornered him. It was his office.

Yeah, you walked into his office and he was like, you want to have a conversation and he was like, oh, no, no, no, no. To right, I don't, I don't corner, people don't corner me in my living room. And I just want to say, by the way, that the one thing I agree with about this movie is like all asshole dads that challenge biology professors

should have to publicly debate them. That should be fucking rule it should be on the door of every biology professors fucking office it should say by the way if you're an asshole dad that wants to debate me you have to do it publicly and he's freaking out about that he's yelling at it like we do not use words like endoplasmic reticulum in this house I got I'm debating this guy Lacks and and I just want to say like okay when I was a kid I was a little skittish smart-ass kid growing up and when I was about 10 years older whatever I saw the karate kid and for a whole summer I thought I could crane technique the bullies because I watched cars and I just want that same thing to happen with this fucking movie I want that to happen so bad

This movie is like God's not dead in that this movie could be called you know karate Movie or a guy who just really thinks he knows karate goes and beats the world Just keeps the shit out of rice greasy cuz he believes in his heart. He can do it The world just kicks the shit out of Royce Gracie because he believes in his heart. He can do it Accepted should end with someone being like oh my Grabbed me Grabbed in karate just wouldn't get off I'm gonna poop at you. I'm gonna poop at you Try that in UFC. I don't know. I don't think that's banned

So so now we now we get the interaction between Evan and the do odd I knew we could move on for poop jokes that quickly I should have that as one of my like one of my four rules of doing podcasts with Eli when the poop jokes come up Just wait it out. He's got another one. There's another one Waiten. Let him happen. That is my rule for pooping so I don't know why it wouldn't be the same. So yeah, so Evan uh, uh, I guess body potty. So Evan finds Rachel at the library. Uh, to, I guess tell her, her you know good luck to your dad or whatever I don't even know what the fuck that scene was doing there.

Uh yeah because Rachel's basically he's like so your dad's debating Professor Cayman and she's like yeah it's gonna be crazy super embarrassing for me and he's like I don't know don't you think it might be a great opportunity for people to hear the truth and she's like no I think it's an opportunity for my dad to look like a total fucking idiot. And he's like, okay. Yeah, well, yeah, that's also that. How does he believe the universe was created? Well, and that's that.

Yeah, well, okay, so she calls dad to ask him to not do it. And dad's an obscenic asshole and says not to. But then he's talking to the fucking daughter And he's like well, how does professor came and believe the universe does he teach you there was some big bang or something? I'm like no because he's a biology professor That's not related to biology Please don't debate my professor. You're kind of stupid You know, you know, how me and mom always joke about how you're stupid

It's it's not you're actually a dumb person you're not an all smart and the fact that I have to spell this out really proves my point so and then we got okay so I guess this is the whole goddamn reason we have Shane archiving shit because as he's archiving things he finds this news clip that exposes Cayman's ulterior motives apparently Harry Anderson's character got a biology teacher fired years ago for not teaching evolution.

Yeah, which is like, as he should. Which he totally should have. How did that conversation go? Hey, you know there's a guy here not teaching biology, right? Oh, fuck, really? The black guy?

Yeah, no, he teaches a made up Magic story. Oh, we should fire him. Do you want to teach biology? I would love to teach biology End of prequel Yeah, right But look I mean, okay, look I don't really probably have to spell this out to our audience But imagine you actually need a biology degree to be I don't know a pharmacist or something and they find out that the school that you went to didn't teach you about evolution

like how valid would your biology degree be it would be fucking toilet paper you could order a degree online for like 80 bucks that would be worth more than that yeah to dry university could start handing out far far yeah so then we then we cut to dad's studying up. I love this scene because this is where he's, apparently he went to a library to get a high school textbook about evolution. Yes. And he's like, he's sitting in the wife.

He's like, listen to what this he hear, books says from the school. Yeah. And the textbook says, humans came from monkeys. There is no God. Like is these it is the least text I was like oh we wrote a textbook who know There's no textbooks that say a science textbooks don't say there's nothing supernatural about blank They don't say that anywhere in any science ever because of people like this dad, they should. Right. Right.

This is like we finished a bottle of Jamison. We were like, I got right, textbook. All right, let's look right now. Three chapters on biplane and one chapter on the one pie. That would be better than most of the textbooks I use this time. That would be Texas. Yeah, hells-y-uh. So, and of course, the moms like,

they teach evolution in high schools. How can they get away with that? And it and like because it's demonstrably fucking true How can they get away with teaching that three plus three equals six those bastards? What Universe does this movie take place in that that this is like not known to them? Right they're fighting it out for the first time here. Yeah. I love that he had to get a high school textbook too. She's in college. She's in a college biology class.

And he's like, I got a high school textbook check. I got Charlie in the tortoise. Well, yeah, because he might as well have, because as we'll learn in the debate, he never even learned the definition of the fucking word evolution. So now Evan calls dad up because apparently Evan is the newspaper or whatever or for the college and he's got to interview both sides

of the debate this is the sole patch guy from earlier and dad doesn't know but he pulls the I know Rachel and Jesus card right yeah and and Evan decides he wants to meet with Mr. Whitaker at like a secure location I think they're being like bugged by the evolutionist. That's what I wrote. Does he think his phone is being tapped? Yeah, they're acting exactly like that. Yeah. Yeah. And it's a secure line. I can't say. And of course at this point I thought to myself, oh fuck, Evan is going to be the Mr. Miyagi of this movie, isn't he? He's not. He's not. That's Clarence Killier. We'll get to that. There will be the Mr. Miyagi of this movie, isn't he? He's not he's not that's Clarence Gillier will be there will be a yes Yeah, but he's they they choose to meet at the place with the bridge with the 50 set piece and he's like it's funny

You chose to meet me here. This is where I fucked my daughter the first I fuck my daughter a bunch of places Like a movie theater at her at her prom at her prom. It was about power. But yeah, this is where a little boy stole a thing from her. And I used it to change her religion that she already was. Right. So, okay, so that's like his big story is, yes, this is a spot where my daughter got robbed and I didn't do anything because instead of going over to the other kids' parents and saying, hey, your kid just literally took money

out of my daughter's hands, he made it a lesson about Jesus. Yeah. I'd love to cut back to that scene where he's going, like, no, sorry, honey, but if he gives me 50 denominations of silver, you might have to get raped. Yeah, you're lucky there was only 150 cent piece there. I wrote in my notes, we all owe Jesus 50 cents. Yeah, you're lucky there was only one fifty cent piece there. I Wrote my notes. We all owe Jesus fifty cents

Apparently, that's the message of this fucking story. Then he says he hopes that science hasn't taken his little girl away Who reality doesn't steal my little girl away from unicorn land? Right. Yeah, and oh, and of course this is Evan also tells him about Dr. Portlandland this is the uh... the the non-evolutionist biology teacher who can hear him got fired yeah exactly who's the token black guy in the movie and his name is portland literally the token black guy's name for family guy with the bizarre cleveland was portland just saying yeah and it's Clarence Gilear and Clarence Gilear hasn't shaved

bathed or eaten a vegetable. He walked off the set in that in the same sweat pants and gray sweatshirt and has been just sitting by the phone ever since being like any day now Clarence. The movie is going to come pouring in. Oh, I better do some vocal warm-ups. Tee, ta, ta, tee, ta, tee, ta, tee, ta, that's enough. But so, yes, he calls, he calls Clarence Gillier. Like, hey, can you help me with this debate? But no. Yeah, right. I've got to be fairly hitary, Hanzoo no longer makes instruments of death This is the O.K. and P.O. money that can be a sketch This is directly that sketch Gilears out of the game unless he goes in for one more mission, right

Same as Clarence Gilear. It's really someone owes someone money Watch my friends die face down in the mud. So okay, so then we cut to the Rachel hanging out with Tyler, the cute guy with the eggs on his head. And he was really cute, by the way, I wouldn't mind spilling my eggs over his head, but you know, I was just neither here nor there. And she's going like, oh, I'm going to be so embarrassed and tired. I was like, well, you know what I say and things like times like this is you know

Who gives a shit really? Take this flag football party next week serious I'm sorry what is a flag football party right? Oh, no, I've been to one of those is whoever pulls off your flag You have to blow that you have to oh, okay, it's like a it's an all-male thing like a lacrosse party with flags yeah i get it and apparently we're we're gonna do the calling dad and asking him to stop uh... doing the debate thing again right we get a second version of her calling dad and him saying no because apparently professor came in quote stands against everything we believe in and quote yeah every like gravity and helio

centrist apparently I honestly I don't know what side dad's on on those ones we meet Evan again and I want to point out that from this moment onward every time we see Evan he will be drawing lines on already lined paper. So if you watch these movies along with us this one's on Netflix just note from this moment on every single time we see Evan he is drawing lines on paper that already has lines on it. Yeah, except at the debate. Yeah, that's pretty much it. And so yeah, so this is like where Evan like starts to talk her down from evolution a little bit. Evolution's not how the world was created and I wrote, I agree, evolution is not how the world was created.

You are correct, sir, by accident. And he goes like, think about it, life comes from life. It's like in the Bible, when God used mud to a fuck, you know what, go out and come back in. Just ask me all this, we're just gonna play it out to that point again and I'm gonna start over like in Roundhog Day. So and I love this one too.

Like right at the end he goes, did God create this world or did it come about by evolution? And she's like, well, I don't, I'm not gonna answer that. And the stupidest question. And he's like, well, I'm not gonna answer that. And the stupidest question. And he's like, you just answered it. No, I didn't. I didn't. That's not how answering words or evolution works

or really how anything works. So then we go, we cut back to dad studying, you know, any thought was down the pencil because there's just so much to learn. And I guess now he needs a pep talk from his pastor. Right, and I wanted so badly for Cayman to have put a car bomb in his car. Like he's like, he breathes, beep, beep, boom.

Cayman's just in his office surrounded by rubber chickens. Tee, he, he lifts up the phone. It's been taken care of. One less creation. But no, he's going to bother Clarence Gillier some more Well, but first he stops mine to talk to his his pastor and I only point that out because the pastor's advice to him Is the worst imaginable debate advice that you possibly give he says just speak from your heart Like yeah guys do that Please all Christians go into debates just take that advice please speak from your heart. I yeah guys, do that. Please. All Christians go into debates. Just take that

advice. Please speak from your heart. I would love that. Right. Also, okay. So then now we cut back to another scene of Tyler and his buddies talking about his plans to fuck his girl. Like, these characters have talked in two scenes more about have you fucked her yet than I have in my life. Like I like I knew Eli when when he and Anna started dating Could you even imagine if I'd walked up to you know like so you and you and Anna you you guys fucked yet or what you Right every time I saw you so how about now have you Have you Against the staldor not letting me out just answer the question man. I'm looking over the top actually

Don't ask what that sound is I know just sounds sounds weird but you sound bald from this side of the staldor. Yeah so this is of course where we learn that he's gonna make his move at the flag football party. Right. And then and then dad goes to bother professor Clarence Killier to a little bit more. And they have the exact same scene they had on the phone, which is a matter of the game. A Christian's never out of the game. And I guess it's tell that to Tim Tibo. Nice. Eli made a football joke. Well, that's sir. I'm the one who made a Harry Potter joke before it's all over. That and the one who beat up his lady friend. Ray something. Yeah, Ray Charles, right?

Some of our rights. Yeah, yeah, the Bansky. It's like Sturkey. Um, so so yeah, so and the B of course, Portland doesn't prep dads for debate since the King's stinking son fired him. Uh, so this was a a worthless trip. And I love to that that Portland's advice to dad is he's like, read a book and dad's like, well, if I was willing to do that, I wouldn't be a creationist. Not what I already read. Nobody agrees with us. Tell me to read a book. I mean, I can only read one book. It's on our side. And then we get, okay, so now I have to throw this out there. Before I watch watch this movie Eli had already watched it and he had messaged me on Facebook he had texted me and he had tweeted me I can't wait for you to watch this movie hashtag 50 minutes

in 50 minutes in we are 49 minutes and 18 seconds into this movie I was getting so excited and all I'm gonna say is even after days of him messaging me this I was not Disappointed. You're never ready. You're never ready. There's nothing that can ever get you ready for this scene Even us telling you what happens in the scene probably wouldn't do the trick Again, if you don't watch along but you have Netflix go 49 minutes into this movie watch this scene scene, and then listen to this part. There's nothing like it in the world. Oh, it was so great.

So, okay, so once again, she's in the library because that's where she exists. And some dudes like, hey, is your dad gonna debate Professor Cayman? He's pretty awesome. I bet your dad's gonna look kind of stupid, and then Evan's soul patch steps in. and I guess this is creationist shit talk I guess he says does your mother look like an ape

And the guys like hey man, where do you think it's no no? Does your mother look like an ape? He's like no. What about your grandmother? No, no then we're not evolved from it. Yes, that's like what? That's it. And again, my notes are the notes here are fantastic because my notes are nothing but I'm so excited for Noah to watch this. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. And he's notes are punch him in the throat. I'm so happy and he's notes are punch him in the throat This is just like the goodwill hunting fucking seed. I read it. Are we gonna have a problem?

Again, right. I was just hoping you could give me some insight into the flagella of the bacterial colonies My contention is that the locomotory organ is irreversibly complex. Oh, so yeah, he dropped. Punch me in the throat. Does your mother look like an eight bomb? And first of all, okay, what are we comparing my mother to? Yes, my mother looks remarkably like a fucking same number of eyes. The facial features are in the same fucking place.

She's got the same number of digits and shit basically the same but like compared to a fucking cucumber Yes, my mother looks like a fucking APU idiot and secondly is your argument if we didn't evolve from apes in the last four generations How can there still be milkshakes? What the fuck are you even talking about? What is this supposed to even fucking mean and the cherry? Yes, there's a cherry. Is that he ends this stupid fucking screed by turning to the guy who originally said her dad was gonna look stupid and say, now who's gonna look like an idiot? Do you like apples?

S***! Let's deal from the tree of knowledge. How do you like them apples? F***ing demon. I steal from the tree of knowledge. How do you like that? Fucking demon. Oh god, this he was so fucking stupid. I had it because I knew it was common I stopped and I took a break right before it and then I took a break right after it as well And she goes after it all like I guess because the other guys just like whoa I never thought about it like my mom isn't a monkey before I think and so he wanders off all dumbfounded and she goes I don't need you to defend me. He goes I wasn't defending you

I was defending it. Jesus I guess because college freshmen are more capable of defending themselves than an Almighty God song of Solomon was about you And if you can believe this the Is your mama a monkey line is not the stupidest argument this movie is gonna present But before we can get to that we need to take a quick break So let me give act three the hard sell as though I didn't just do that We need to take a quick break. So let me give act three of the hard sell as though I didn't just do that Can evolution prove that the square the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the square of the other two sides

Can evolution open a stubborn umbrella for you on a rainy day? Can evolution create a burrito so hot even evolution can't eat it? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the Accentrion necessitating conclusion of a matter of faith. And what's more, evolution can't prove the BingBang even happened. I've seen a crocodile give birth to any spider monkey, have you? Plus, if evolution is true, why can't I do sedocos? I mean, sometimes I just put the numbers in because like I know nobody's actually gonna check him out, it's not like I'm getting quizzed on him, but holy shit, those things are hard. And they're still monkeys.

I rest my case. Yeah, well, I mean, it's a debate, so you don't rest your case, but Professor Cayman, I guess you have two minutes to let say respond. Okay, if you can define evolution to a sixth grade level, I will swallow this broom right now. Nope

Doesn't count So yeah, I mean, Cayman's idea is on evolution are pretty fantastic. Do you want to maybe, you know, grab a coffee or some lunch sometime? Yeah, that's actually so great. Sorry, sorry. Can I interrupt for a second? Well, actually, we're already talking, so, you know social Q. No, no, no, just answer me this is your mother a monkey What is your mother a monkey? Oh, I see what you're doing What what am I doing? You're swooping. I'm swooping. Yeah, yeah, you're swooping in to save the day See I'm trying to finger bang this poor man's version of Cordelia over here But you've only read one book and it means I'm employing Don't Jive with it. So now you're going to pretend that you don't understand the difference between 200 million years and two generations.

See, you and I both know at some point you googled that challenge and someone explained to you probably in cartoon form so you can understand that evolution does not equal fish, poops out, art vark, poops out person. But let's be honest, if you had respect for any natural law, you can hold any of the beliefs that you hold I mean fuck man. You must think buoyancy is unprovable because fucking Jesus walked on water So I'll tell you this like you haven't heard it before you asking me why is your mom not a monkey is like trying to prove that Humans don't shit because neither of us is currently shitting so here you go I'm gonna go lick the Jesus out of this off-brand serial version a young Courtney Cox here and you'll go Google all the shit that you believe that science doesn't

I'm shitting now And now that I've more or less recovered from the does your mom look like a monkey portion of today's film I guess we can get back to the breakdown and we'll do so via Evan overhearing Tyler's nefarious plans to fuck his own girlfriend. I hate Evan so much. Yeah, so fucking in his sanded-down teeth. Punch him in the throat. Punch him in the throat. Circular and weird.

So yeah, so this scene I guess Tyler's buddies. So even when Tyler's not around, all his friends do is talk about when he's gonna fuck his girlfriend uh... but they're sitting in the library talking about his focus girl friend plans and evan over here's him yeah this is the least subtle planning aside from rumpel still skintancing around a fire saying his own

and and yet like you said he's just the uh... the good old library book slot people trick. Yeah, except they mangled it. The angle was all right, so he wasn't facing the two friends at the table at all. There's a different part of the library. Also, you don't have to see things while you overhear things, so that's meaningless. So Alps.

So, but then Evan runs off to tell her that her boyfriend is trying to fuck her, and I'm just curious how this conversation is supposed to go. Right. Like, your boyfriend plans to fuck you. Well, oh good. I've got bad news, and he literally says, I've got bad news. He just likes you because you're pretty, and I'm like, yeah, man. That's how it starts. that's how it starts.

That's how it starts. Believe as a non-pretty person, I can tell you. I mean, I'm funny now. So when you meet me, you're gonna be like, ah, but no one's ever walked up and been like, let me break off a piece of that kick at bar. I look like you put two marshmallows in a microwave and I always have.

That's how fucking starts. You never notice me. No one never notice me from across the room and goes, I bet you're real good in personality. Couldn't help but notice you have two subway meatballs. I bet you've read proofs. So instead of talking about Tyler's nefarious plans to fuck her, first they have to talk about evolution being a conspiracy that all the countries are in on put us. And basically his answer to why some Christians believe in evolution that's not because you know it's true is well they don't really believe in God. There's a difference between

addition and submission. Oh God. And if you were hoping it was gonna be a 50 shades of gray thing It's not unfortunately no. What he means is that adding God onto your life isn't good enough. You have to Totally make your life about God. Submission is the good one. Right. You know, submission. I was like, oh, it's a, a dish tonight. No, submissions. Someone in this movie. So fucking weird game of phone's answer.

Yeah. So then she storms off, but he won't let her go yet. And she's a Christian girl. So she's not allowed to go until he tells her to so that he can also add them, by the way, Tyler wants to fuck you.

And but the way he says it is, Tyler's the one who's not interested. And I'm like wanting to fuck you and but he says it is Tyler's the one who's not interested and I'm like wanting to fuck you is interested yeah, that's what that base that's what that's shorthand for if I'm like if I'm like I'm Interested in this girl. That's just a polite way of saying I want to fuck her. Yeah, exactly. I would not fuck you so much harder than Tyler So but then she goes back to her room and house this, you know. Ryan came moment.

Yeah, right. Like this is this, like the worst thing that she's ever been presented with in her whole fucking life or whatever. And she picks up her Bible and she's like, Lord Jesus, I want to submit. I wanted to flash to Jesus, come on like then show me them tits girl

Jesus in a git mask. Oh, I thought I was It's on the board. It's on the board. Which of us is top and which is bottom? It's fine I'm fine and fine put these holes in my hand and everything I also wrote my notes here music note Doctor walks out of operating room shaking his head. Yeah, right. Right. You could not be more dramatic. She literally takes out her Bible.

She reads the cover and she submits to Jesus. Yeah. That's Christianity instruction booklet right there. Right. Right. Exactly. But also as she's doing that, we're flashing back, audio-y to the lines that the dude said a few seconds ago, the submission edition thing, she's flashing back to that.

It's like I wrote my notes, like that's literally three notes ago. That literally happened in the same minute of the film. Just haven't come with you and recreate it that way. Stand outside of her. It's like the momentum guy or something. She Just to say it every few seconds or she'll forget I guess. But anyway, this is also what she calls dad to apologize for believing in reality. Right. As well, she should. Sorry about being evil dad. I'm just going to just going to chop my hand off and send it to you. Make a man's in the old ways. Congratulations. And then we cut to Cayman's class where he's like, hey guys, tonight's the

debate come and watch it. I accepted a challenge that was brought to me, come and check it out. And she is not gonna put up with that lie because Cayman's the one who challenged her dad. Right, except it was after dad showed up in the office to challenge him. Yeah. If I spit at you and then you go do you want to fight You did not challenge me Or do you want to talk about spitting together? That's not oh Yeah, but so she hangs back in class to tell him like a that's not how it happened you challenge him and then she goes

There's one more thing The chicken came first, she drops the mic and locks off. Oh. And here's the thing, came in again, God's not dead for him, you're like, came in should be like, he said he said he said he's just sad. He's just, he's just like, oh, I'm real sorry,

that you don't. Yeah, you're never gonna get that biology degree, you want it and what, not because you're never gonna get that biology degree You wanted and what not because you dad's crazy Yeah, I can be in the news in three years for not letting a lady have a abortion pills The Wal-Mart pharmacy So yeah, so and then of course we have to cut to her breaking up with the guy who wanted a fucker for wanting to fuck her and I This is so great. She says, he's like, why?

And she's like, I got right with the Lord. And I'm like, oh my God, that is the best break-up line ever! Oh, nothing kills my boner quicker. I mean, if Edel walked out of the bedroom right now, I was like, honey, we can't get married. And I'd be like, what, why? I love you. And she'd be like, I found Jesus.

I'd be like, great. So this stuff is mine. And that's the best thing ever. What am I doing? I'm installing Grindr on my phone. Jesus I'd be like great so this stuff is mine and What am I doing I'm installing grinder on my phone I do feel like I'm gonna do Tinder eventually as well, but I You know dominoes delivers Yeah, yeah, no reason to ever fuck around with it's not you. It's me again guys I got right with the Lord if you learn nothing else from our show That's how to end the whole

Relations Exactly and of course now Tyler goes to confront his buddies like who told my girlfriend I wanted to put my p in her V and I was like she wouldn't she just know that because you kept hanging out with her I just I this movie so fucking why would you not want to fuck your And also I'm sorry one more time. I have to say stop trying to have these people handle a football It got even worse with this they tried they attempted a throw at the start of the scene And it was they clearly had to switch to like a close-up that does not show what happens to the ball because it went absolutely nowhere it probably bounced up

and hit him in the eye right in the shadow it looked more like a kick class in the background somehow yeah and also at this point Tyler and the date rapist dude are about to make out. They are so close to each other. So close to each other. At this point, that's what I'd rather watch. Yeah, their trailer was the hottest, sweatiest, inside of a sauna you ever could have asked for. So then we get to the fucking debate.

Yeah! Finally! And so we get to like everybody get into the debate thing, you can tell this is where their extras budget went. And mom's like, don't forget, people are praying for you. Yeah, that'll help. And we pan over these extras by the way,

and these extras could not more survive on starches. There's just sea of man boobs. Oh. Yeah, he's like, all right, thanks, Adriene. I'm gonna get beat to death by a Russian guy, perfect. Yeah, but people will pray for me the whole time. Yeah, so then they introduce everybody and, you know, he gets a little tidy polite applause,

but Professor Kame and gets a huge applause. Oh my God, the crowd, he loves it. On my left, I have a guy who has a daughter. I said, just a reminder, on my god, he says on my left. I have a guy who has a daughter Just a reminder on my right guy who went to school and has a degree no stuff I wonder who the crowd is in favor of They're going nuts for drogo at this point. Yeah, I can't imagine they're gonna come around and clap for Rachel's that he can't possibly win Can he I mean he's such an underdog actually you know what he he doesn't spoil alert but uh... anyway okay so then we cut the dad's opening statement and i think this is the

first lighting note i have ever had in in a movie but when they first caught the dad in the debate it looks like that scene was backlit with the bat signal uh... i i i swear i'm like that it's like a with back head face stood up and got popcorn in the middle of the movie. And like as bad as this movie was I was just like guys guys guys alright I'm willing to forgive you thinking the evolution and the big bang are the same fucking thing but my fucking god the lighting in this scene.

Just point the light at the person talking Fuck you. Sorry dude. I Am not forgiving them by the way. Oh, yeah. No God Jesus dude. Okay, so then we get dads opening speech was just it's all the words that Ken Ham would say on peyote before he threw up right Evolution can't be observed. Yeah, yes, it fucking can Okay, it can't be repreparing. Yeah Not argument and evolution's a religion. Oh, yeah, wait hold on that Evoluted you're And oh and then like I mean he starts off by saying like evolution can't explain how life came to exist on our planet

I'm like no it can't it that's because it's that's not what it does You prepped for this debate and you still don't know what evolution is Answer all the questions. I have about everything or you know that's right right how many fingers am I holding up or evolution isn't true at basically he even says at one point he says nothing time something does not equal everything I wrote that he's reading my aunt Kathy's Facebook memes at this point he also delivers this monologue like he's about to cry it is not always is not like a professor radison getting showed up. He's like, um, and then like, what about all the monkeys that are still out there? If you could, then me. And it's like, are you coming?

Whose side is the movie on? And then we explain that when God is the first cause, then life makes sense. Yes. Nothing makes sense like baby rape. I mean, it's not a weird, uninterrupted baby rape. And then we get Harry's opening statement. Now, I want to say, like, you could be forgiven for thinking that this was a really good opening statement.

But if you've watched as many evolution creationism debates as I have, this is the straw man series of opening arguments that creationists would dream of a fucking evolution supporter starting off with. He puts all these little subtle straw men in, never talks about evolution at all, but still manages to present it in a way that seems convincing to at least the point where like the audience for this movie is going, oh no, and does a much better job like does it possibly better job than anyone in this movie? Oh, yeah, he's cracking jokes. He's killing it. Yeah, working the audience. He talks about it. We should pass around a collection plate. Zing. Like, crowd goes wild.

Well, but okay, but like to give you an example like he says at one point is like every scientific mind thinks This is irrefutable truth. I'm like no because scientific minds don't deal in Irrefuutable truth. There's no such thing in science as Irrefuutable irrefutable truth. Yeah, if tomorrow I watched a penguin fuck a donkey and a dog came out and i showed it to the scientific community they would give me a million dollars a medal and everyone would carry me around at their university like what is that i saw a penguin fucking donkey yes exactly they have bisonic day and you'd be on our money if this was an

america yeah i get to say whatever i wanted about women it'd be on our money if this wasn't America. Yeah, I get to say whatever I wanted about women, it'd be great. Ah! I thought you did say what you wanted to say, Eli. No, we know Lucinda, so I gotta keep it in secret. Oh, yeah, right, right, I was gonna say. Like now that you've told Anna how to end the relationship

so easily, you shouldn't be. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. So, yeah, so Harry gives this, you know, and I mean, there are some really good points that he makes. He does point out like, so yeah, so Harry gives this you know, and I mean there are some really good points that he makes He does point out like you know the earth this billions of years older than you guys think it is and stuff like that But again very very weak argument as a matter of fact for some fucking reason he's talking about Freud Why would an evolution debate Proponent talk about Freud at all

proponent talk about Freud at all. Ever. At all. He appears, his pro-evolution argument seems to be God is a creation. Yeah. Which like, you're a... Well, yeah, but yeah. That's not evolution. There's much better arguments in favor of evolution.

Right. I wrote note to self, stop using Freud as the linchpin of my evolution argument. That's got it. All right. This is good. I wrote note to self stop using Freud as the linchpin of my Got it. All right. This is good. I'm getting better. Yeah, the dad says this is one of his big arguments He says how do you explain away God? Yeah, what's it? Harry's like silence? Maybe cancer. I don't get the question same way as I explain away unicorns and Gremlin right now man created God and to whichremlin. Right. He says man created God. And to which the dad responds man created God man created God and I wrote, Oh, he's shitting right now.

Again, movie would have made way more sense if you just shit him. So he shot a Sam here. Someone obviously watched the intelligence squared debate because he says Elvis is left the building. Oh, right. That's a very clear reference to Sam's argument about believing that Elvis has appeared in your pancakes. So someone watched that debate on YouTube while going la la la la.

I'm pretty sure this debate obviously someone had to Google. So this is the least amount you can Google without being convinced evolution. Right. Yes. Well, and then in this particular portion, you know, because again, they're not talking So this is the least amount you can Google without being convinced evolution Right, yes Well, and then in this particular portion, you know, because again, they're not talking about evolution or whatever They're talking about the fallibility of the Bible at this point But Harry is still crushing it so at this point I was like holy shit this whole movie was just deployed to make Christians here this That would have been awesome then it just goes immediately into the comma suture and we're like, fuck they got us, they got us. Alright, let's do a hug and help.

No, let me shout this week, guys. Right, this is also where we get a little few good men in there. He came and was like, I want the proof. And Dad's like, you can't handle the proof. Don't do that. Let's do it. Not part of our... Also, there's a fantastic moment where at the very beginning he goes, look, you're going

to say that this is based on faith, but I don't accept faith as a way of knowing true things about the universe. And then right in this moment, he goes, what proof do you have that there's an afterlife in the guys like, faith? The thing you said I was going to say? Fuck, I use the exact word too. I feel like I should have switched that up for a synonym Really

That's all you got looks like he's on the ropes looks like dad's in big trouble Uh-oh Then all of a sudden From the audience we hear a man's voice yell out Royde was wrong a man's voice yell out. Royde was wrong. And the moderator guys like who said that? The audience participation section is later.

And that's like, oh, that's cool. It's just my friend. It's cool. It's okay. It's okay. He's with me. And it's like, no man, that's not how debates are. You know, you can't.

You can't just bring surprise helpers. And then ACDC starts playing and Clarence Killier, dressed like the undertaker, walks out through the cloud and smokes, runs in. Well, I mean, but that's the thing. This would be like, if at the end of Karate Kid, Mr. Miyagi had just beat up Johnny Lawrence himself. It would be like, like, Clint Eastwood just running

into the ring and a million dollar baby swinging that stool. That takes away the whole point of the fucking movie of someone else then comes in and does the debate, doesn't it? But in this universe, that's how debates work. Some guy can yell something from the audience and then just move up to the fucking podium, I guess Right. Oh, and by the way once he does

He's the only one that gets to talk for the entire rest of the debate. Yes This debate was explained give a speech give a speech have a conversation, but since someone tagged in now it's just Him another speech. Yeah, I'm talking for the rest of the movie crazy black man and him other speech yeah, I'm talking for the rest of the movie crazy black man and and what's so funny is I guess okay so I guess we're supposed to have seen like with the dad like oh this is how people trip up in these debates and with Clarence Killard we're supposed to see this is how a guy who really knows

a shit does it and it's the same stupid shit yeah like he starts off his first argument is basically well if there's no god there's no rules and I like the debate moderator should say appeal the consequences. No point right that doesn't count as logic Again the topic of this debate is evolution I'd like to speak about evolution Like me to talk about it. I feel like someone here should mention it use the word. Let's have some fun about it. I feel like someone here should mention it. Use the word. Let's have some fun. But here's the thing though, Clarence Gileard knows how to take the mic out of the stand thing and walk around too, just like Harry Anderson. This is big trouble. And he's wearing a light colored

matlock jacket. So he's dressed like Howard. Larry's getting really nervous. And he also says, this is another one of Clarence kill your arguments he says man would rather not have god right okay all right find me one person who would choose mortal overliving forever in paradise and his example is whenever terrible stuff happens people blame god and it's like no whenever terrible stuff happens people go it's part of his plan Just yes the world just like you're doing right now Well, and but he even says he's like have you ever noticed how even non religious people blame God when shot shit goes wrong

Like no, oh fucking bite definition that has never happened anywhere and can't I wanted I wanted somebody to say that so he can go Okay, I just I just wanted to ask and see it okay, I'm about to start crying in like 30 seconds. So the Ben Carson of this fucking debate. He now moves on to talking about his personal life. Yeah, which belongs to an efflutious debate. And the actual quote he says, and I wrote this in my notes, I despised you. And I wrote my notes, I despised you and I wrote my notes. I despised you Man in a debate about

Like a hitch and just started to turn to Dinesh D'Souza and been like you look like a brown little monkey over there and and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and then is and cats or kangaroo the argument from crock and dogs and the crowd is loving it by now yeah all they're going to rocky rock it's big either tiger starting to play earlier the audience was laughing at god but now they're laughing with god and also like it when he when he points out the whole like dogs don't turn into cats or whatever Notice he says these are this is another quote and nobody's ever seen a planter an animal change into a different kind of planter animal Note the use of the word kind since it's not a

Scientific word and is completely ambiguous creation is love to talk about kinds and yet they don't define those in any way Banana never done turn into a coconut. I win. Apparently I am crying. There are tears on my face. And then he starts arguing about the age of the earth. He's like the earth isn't billions of years old or millions of years old. Now sure I could give you evidence to back that up. This is my favorite part at the very end He goes we could bore you with science, but everything he says I can do better Anything he can do better than

If he pulled off his shirt like in his whole suit and he was wearing an any costume underneath Yeah, I would have been into it At this point of up, please tell me somebody hits him with a chair. I am right. Please tell me Evan flies in like Owen Hart. Okay. Also, he says, he actually says this in the fuck again.

This is a quote. If this is Clarence Killierd arguing in favor of God, he says, if the stars aligned to say God created the world, evolutionists would blame those clever Baptists. Big laugh. Big laugh. But what is he trying? Is he trying to say that there is evidence? Yeah, there's just so much evidence that we choose to ignore. Once I taught here, I'm a crying grown up. I'm a crying weeping grown up. And then he goes off about how you can't scientifically prove this,

and you can't scientifically prove that. And I'm like, scientifically prove is not a fucking thing. So you can scientifically disprove a thing. Yes, you cannot scientifically prove something that's not even a meaningful fucking phrase Right, but then we get his conclusion which is I believe in Jesus Christ who died on the cross for my sins Some of you will call this stupidity Mm-hmm. Yeah, I've called it humility. Oh, and I wrote in my notes. I'm so happy for Noah to watch this. Well, and then I love it because he's like, at that point he's like, but I was doing it wrong too,

because I was just teaching creationism, and now I realized that I should have let children learn both sides. And I'm like, oh yeah, that's all they want, those creationists, they just want to make sure that you learn science and religion in science class He even then classifies them classifies it rather as well. I wanted people to learn men's ideas and God's words

So like yeah, you setting them up even to start with Arncha. Yeah, oh For fuck's sake, okay, and then he pushed down the microphone and he walks over to Harry and I'm like, okay He's gonna punch him. That's what I wrote, no, Chris, Kylian is gonna punch him. But no, it's a Christian movie, so he's gonna apologize to Harry for holding bitterness in his heart. Yeah. Now, this is the most fucking, like, basically this is what he does.

He walks up to me and says, you are evil, disgusting, human being. And I used to be angry at you about that. I'm sorry that I was angry that you are an evil disgusting human being I forgive you. I forgive me And he walks off the stage. Yes. Yes with no chance for a bottle or anything The guy turns to him and he goes do you Want to respond to that and Harry Anderson just short of shakes his head, but I

I maybe it's just my slet but he shakes his head cuz like no did you see that guy just lied and then cried and then left he was already gone when the guy asked him that yeah why would I reput what would I reput the he doesn't forgive me this is over it was over he tagged in a friend who screamed at me from offstage. I did it. This has always been over. I'm going home.

But we're supposed to think he was totally dumbfounded. Yeah, right. No, he just didn't know how to refuse the forgiveness. Do I have anything else to add? Yeah, if I could just borrow Clarence Gilear's mic for a second. Great, great. I'm just gonna drop this right on my face and done.

I have no further comments. Apparently, and then we get this really long pan shot of the crowd. It's all like hanging out after the debate because they had to try to make it close to 90 minutes. Right. Also, this Evan comes up and he's like, your dad did a pretty good job and

she's like I know it was pretty Jesus and then when Evan walks out again if you watch these movies with us when Evan walks out Evan has the single gayest walk I have ever seen I've been in a Turkish bathhouse and I lived in the village it is the gayest walk I've ever seen in my life. I've seen all the seasons of RuPaul's Drag Race. You have to watch it. See, I don't even know if that's true because I didn't notice that. And I think you're trying to trick me

and watch in that part of the fucking movie. I watch it. Watch it. So yeah, so like yeah, Evan compliments dad. And I wanted her to go like, no, dad didn't do really good so much as get his ass kicked and then a homeless guy cried in the debate and it was just kind of weird but yeah whatever can I get your dad's phone number? bashful kick whatever please?

and this is another like strange little convergence in our notes here because then the next scene we get and this is we honestly if it wasn't for this convergence I'd just skip over this scene but we got Harry getting back to his office and as he walks into this office a disembodied voice says like you know hey that was a great job in the debate last night but there's no one there there's no one in his office right and I guess this voice is supposed to be coming from like out of the room but it wasn't Mike like that so it sounds like it's coming from the direction that he's walking to or whatever. Yeah.

So he, um, he goes in and opens up his rubber chicken box and most of that chicken. Yeah. Right. I wanted, I wanted so bad for someone to leave the severed head of a chicken in his bed, like the god. That Rachel. That would be awesome. And then of course we have to see that that Rachel wound up with Evan. So she goes to the library to flirt with him. And she's dressed in yellow like the chicken because she's from chickens. Not at. It's important.

I see. And all I could think was hooray Evan now you get to Guilter into a clumsy through the pants hand job nine months later or whatever and should be great But the way she does the three eggs line with Evan was he was he there for that part of the movie? Did he know about no no reference? So they just ever heard about it? I guess Also, there's an animated through nine tents of this movie, but when she goes I'm so sorry for all the things I did and for rejecting Jesus. Thank you so much when he said you're welcome because he just goes You're welcome and it goes pauses the movie goes you're welcome Fuck him Almost made it through the entire movie, but not this one That was that that's the correct answer I would think.

And and and then also he calls after us. She's leaving. He's like, Hey, Rachel, what are you doing? Saturday afternoon. And I want her so bad and turn back to him and say, fucking Tyler. I wrote my notes music note. The abortion went wrong and the baby is alive and screaming. Kicking. Reaming. Oh, I miss her. So you're doing well.

All the Carson's out now too, man. It's almost all the fun's gone now. All my impressions alone in my head. Yeah, right? I say, Colin, let's go to the festival together. So I guess what we decided to take her for his this date is to the to the scene of the fifty cent crime from the beginning of the movie at where we learned that it was actually him

heaven soul patch that stole the fifty cent piece from her at the beginning of the movie but he tells her this by dropping a fifty cent piece in front of him is like oh i drop that and i'm like you see you're trying maker suck is dick is that it's not work. I've tried it and failed. Oh, look what fell out of my pants while you were down there. I just, yeah, no, I have not, I have also not had luck with that.

You want to change man and knows how to do that one. So and then we learned that like that was the day that he found Jesus, because his dad saw him steal the 50 cent piece and then use that as a Jesus lesson. So just to go back to this, what we're supposed to accept here is that at this fucking thing 10 years ago or whatever, both sets of parents watched this little boy rob this little girl and no one gave the kid back her money. Nope.

Because Christianity isn't about changing your behavior. It's about saying your sorry. Right. Yes. Yes. Yes. Exactly. They couldn't even do communist accents for us for fuck sake. So I guess my big question on the way out of this movie is why did nobody just Google evolution? Was Google broken? Did they not? Did it never? Original research teams came nobody just google evolution was google broken ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha make this movie get the fuck out of here we're gonna do people it there's Google Pakistan yeah right now of course the only stars this movie earns are the ones that you see with it forces you to take a hammer to your own temple so in lieu of traditional ranking scales i simply ask you this i want you to imagine that you're at a debate

representing the atheist side of things your opponent turns to you and asks you a question that is even Dumber than this movie What is that question and I apologize for that being such a big question right off the bat I'm gonna say They ask me Why are there still short people Why would there still be sure and why there's no Christians what are still Christmas?

That's actually a fairly good question right there and Eli Oh, um if evolution is true then how come people don't grow up to be computers Again, I think that like would fit right into this goddamn movie. I'm surprised he didn't point that out in the Three that in the year 3000, will they be running the mile in zero seconds? That's bad. I'm there. If you do the math, if you do the math, yeah.

And while that's gonna do it for our review of a matter of faith, that's not gonna do it for the episode quite yet, because we still need to get you all hard and or moist for next week's show. So tell us, Eli, what's on deck? Miracles from heaven another field trip. Yes, indeed They really are working on trying to extend our showtime as much Every movie in theaters we see delays the inevitable day when we run out of Christians in a muscle

Yeah, right. No shit. No shit. So yeah, now this is Jennifer Garner that we're gonna ruin in this one Yeah, she was pretty pretty close to ruined already for me, but yeah, electric was close Yeah, I have a feeling that this is gonna be like a Greg Keneer situation where like he definitely doesn't think any of these things These things are true But he had a summer free and they shot somewhere nice and his kids were like oh, what are they by a lake? And it was like fine how bad could it be and he got the script and he was like fuck I should have should have read this first Should have read this first well, and I think it's gonna be a remarkably similar movie from what I can see So guys basically it's the story of a little girl that sick and then she's not sick anymore

And it must have been God because somebody prayed at some point during the sick. And I gotta admit, already the previews are pretty skeptical. Like there's a moment in the preview where she's like, you're telling me that my little girl just got better. Yeah, it's called spontaneous remissions. It happens very rarely. It's a thing.

That's impossible. No, it's very possible. The sentence that I just made, the clear help. Oh, I just realized you're not gonna give any of the credit for your daughter's treatment to me, are you? You're about to walk up, she's gone. Yep, that's, yep. I'll be spectacularly fun.

And with that to look forward to, we'll bring episode 30 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful and thereby earn early access to every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms.

And if you enjoy this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the scathing atheist and the sceptre crowd available on iTunes, Stitcher and Wherever else podcast live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can also email GodawfulMoviesatGmail.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of Evil Drafts on Mars and was used with his permission. If you like what you hear, hear more by following the link on the show notes to this episode. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen right in Eli Bosnick. I'm no illusions promising to work hard to earn another chunk next week, until then we'll

leave you with a breakfast club close. The actor who played Evan was killed and eaten by me. Dad made spaghettios all by himself and ate them with the zebra spoon. Professor Cayman continued to teach evolution in spite of the tapped in crying man who gave a speech about Jesus and then left the room. Oh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha the message was worse with uh with um uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh Like if you subscribe to this fucking movie or you shouldn't even be allowed to use cameras You cameras in order to work the shit that you're arguing against has to be right The iPhone existed when this movie was written yes Someone probably used an iPhone at a point of making this movie

So fucking sad I had multiple orgasms during this movie Still did not enjoy it like eight or nine fucking looms. Hot fucking.