God Awful Movies - 315: Elizabeth's Gift
Episode Date: August 31, 2021This week, Michael Marshall joins us for an atheist review of Elizabeth's Gift, the heartwarming story about a mom with a dead kid, a kid with a dead mom, and the arms deal that brings them together.... --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Check out more from Marsh on Be Reasonable and Skeptics with a K
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This week's episode of God Awful Movies is sponsored by BetterHelp. idea of single mom arm-stealer, right? Like she's hitting up all her old friends on Facebook. Hey girl, have you ever considered owning your own business selling dangerous and illegal
machine guns? I'm having a party and just you and some other girls are invited. Yeah, wink.
We can try out some automatic weapons, just see how you feel.
Just see how you feel. So...
Not awful!
Movie!
Welcome back to the Gamecast where each week we send one of the selection from Christian cinema like we don't even regret it.
I'm your host No Illusions. Heath is to be unable to join us this week, but
sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this
fine afternoon, sir? I am fantastic Noah. Good. Heath usually has the thing, but you
that's fine. You don't need to think it doesn't have to have a thing. I don't know. I'm
going to tell you his. I have to be like you got it, got it. And also joining us today is
the host of Be reasonable and skeptics with the K the project
director for the good thinking society and the editor of skeptic magazine Michael Marshall
Marsh.
Welcome back, sir.
Hey, so I'm, I'm not that same marsh that one died, but I'm just a replacement that they
really.
Oh, I see.
Exactly.
And to all those same positions.
Right.
No, it's filled out.
You're doing well with the voice though.
You've really got it. Yeah. Complete. The American listeners, we could have replaced
you with like Brian Ego and they would have been like, that's good old Marsh. There it is.
All right. So tell us, Marsh. What will we break it down today?
We watched Elizabeth's gift. It's the story of a family who coped with the tragic death of
that eight-year-old daughter in the most obvious way imaginable by instantly replacing her with another eight year old daughter.
Different daughter.
Is to get right back on the horse approach to infant mortality.
Yeah.
Yes.
If they had started dating again this quickly, their friends would be like, oh, seems a little
soon.
All right.
And Eli, how bad was this movie?
Well, if you treat your children like a toddler's goldfish
But you were flushing one down the toilet would magically produce a coupon for pet smart you
will love this movie
It's a subscription service to children
Yeah, no honestly like if you were replacing a goldfish It's a subscription service to children.
Yeah, no, honestly, like if you were replacing a goldfish, like, there would have been more paperwork involved.
You would have had more trouble, would have cost more money.
Yeah.
So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for me and the best of being the
worst at?
Yeah.
Well, on that, it's best worst adoption for me.
Yeah.
Cause I mean, I've never been through the adoption process.
I'm at this point.
I'm unlikely to adopt.
I'm even more likely to get adopted
But I'm pretty sure that what we see in this film is not the standard procedure
I'm pretty sure you don't just find a kid and within two days
You're their mummy and daddy. I licked this one. Yeah
Yeah, and and there's a bit that I don't even want to spoil
But they misunderstand one of the steps that might
be involved in adoption, not legal steps, but the kind of the social kind of steps involved.
They misunderstand it so badly in a way that was genuinely psychotic that I had to message Eli
to tell him that I just got to that bit. All right, so I was going to go with best worst Best worst eponymous gift. Cause let's be super clear on this right up front.
The gift Elizabeth's gift is a human child.
Yup.
Yeah, a new daughter.
Yeah, the gift is an eight year old girl,
which is something even Andy Wilson
wouldn't give as a gift.
Right, exactly.
He challenged you as well.
He don't receive gifts.
Right, no, no.
No matter how many stamps you have on your card,
he's a real stickler about it. Jesus Christ. And I was going to go with best, worst terrifying in
memoriam dedication. Oh, God. Yeah. Right. This movie is dedicated to a child that died
at seven years old, which means there is some chance that this movie is based on a true story.
In which case, hey, there's a stolen child out there.
Yeah.
And this movie is the fucking note we have to follow the clues.
Well, did I, did you Google the name of the child?
This was dedicated to and then come across the memorial page to the child,
which was one of those kind of like in memoriam 2 kind of websites like like a like a bit like ancestry calm way you can see people who've who've
existed previously and the notes and the comments on that memoriam are filled with people praising
this film and how wonderful and sweet it was and it took me a lot of self restraint.
Oh god.
Sorry, I just want to chime in here.
I hate to argue with you on the seven year old funeral website.
All right, well, I'll tell you what we wouldn't want this one to be tasteless.
Yeah, no, we're gonna shut off our mics long enough to get all the other tasteless jokes out of the way,
but we're gonna be back in a minute with all the Irole inducing nonsense that was
Elizabeth's gift
So where where be going again?
I know, it's some restaurant that Eli wanted to go to.
All right, you guys ready to go?
Wow.
Eli, what you, what you wearing there, bud?
Oh, this, yes, just a casual tea.
All this place isn't super fancy,
but I want you look good, you know?
Wanna look nice.
That what you were going for?
Yeah, the fit is interesting.
Yeah, you're telling me.
So they actually sprayed it on my body,
and then apparently it sets into a shirt.
I mean, can you imagine?
Oh, okay.
No, that answers a lot of questions, actually.
Look, if you want your casual weather
that looks and fits amazing,
why don't you try Cutscloathing?
What's Cutscloathing?
From their signature buttery soft peak of pro tribe lent teas to their cozy hyperloop
French cherry fabric, Cuts elevates clothing staples with cutting edge fabric technology.
Ooh, that does sound good.
It is. They sent us a bunch to try and I wore my Cuts shirts all week at the pajama party this year.
That's true. You did.
That's because each piece is crafted with custom engineered fabric and a comfortable fit
without compromising on timeless, universally flattering style.
More flattering than what I'm wearing.
I would venture to say yes.
All right, then where do I sign up?
This month marks the cuts fifth anniversary,
and they're doing it big with two collection drops,
a product launch and a week-long special event.
Go to cutsclothing.com slash gam to get 25% off sitewide during the anniversary sale.
That's 25% off sitewide at cutsclothing.com slash gam.
All right. Sounds good. You guys ready to go to dinner?
I guess, but did you have to braid your chest here?
Oh, no, the fabric does that naturally.
Hmm. I see.
Really?
Yeah.
Rob, thanks so much for coming in.
Yeah, we really appreciate it.
No problem.
Oh, can I have a mint?
Yeah, show help yourselves.
Yeah, nice.
Okay, all right, maybe just one or two.
No, no, you said I could help myself.
Do you have a bag that you refill this dish out of?
I know.
Well, I'm gonna take a look around myself later
and see about that.
Anyway, what's up, what did you guys want?
Right, well, it's about the tagline
you submitted for Elizabeth's gift.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the movie, what about it?
But it's just the word dibs.
Well, yeah, because they got dibs on the new kid.
Right, yeah, no, I've read the script.
It's just, I think we might want to kind of downplay
the bit of the story where they just declare
a child as their own bifian.
No, they own a Honda, so that's not the thing.
Why?
You don't have to worry about that.
Okay, so why don't you just pitch
just some other taglines just in case?
Okay, yeah, you know, have backups.
Always a good idea.
How about Elizabeth's gift, finders keepers.
Okay, again, Elizabeth's gift, nah, nah, nah, nah, booboo.
That's worse.
That's definitely worse.
Elizabeth's gift, shotgun.
I think we're good without a tagline.
Yeah, I mean, this is all left a bit of a bantist
in my mouth, if I'm honest.
Oh, okay.
Would you like a minute?
Oh, yeah, actually.
$4.
Okay.
And we're back for the breakdown.
We're gonna open up on Noah being depressed as hell
at how familiar the bridge stone media logo is
at this point.
It's amazing that automatically categorizes the movie for us. familiar the bridge stone media logo is at this point.
It's amazing that automatically categorizes the movie for us. We're like, okay, so I know which kind of Jesus they believe in.
I know one of the three tragedies that's going to happen in the movie.
Okay.
Yeah.
But because this is a movie that we watched, we need the logo I've never seen
before and we'll never see again.
Right.
Yeah.
That comes after seven films, seven logos.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Also, hey, strap in my fuckers.
This shit's rated 13 plus for foul language.
No idea.
I watched the whole movie with that mind going like, what is it about?
What did they say?
They got it.
I have, I still have no idea. Oh, yeah, I have no idea. I'm sure at some point someone's like, get the damn
door and half of the audience of this movie is intended for shut it off and start sweeping
in my corner. Yeah. So, okay. So we get out of the logos and we open up on a little kid's
singing. Oh, that's always a good sign, isn't it? That's whenever a hobbinger of something terrible. And so, mom's on the phone talking with her husband about absolutely nothing.
So she's like, she's talking on a cell phone holding a cell phone to her ear while she's
driving.
And it's not even like an emergency situation.
Like, I'm saying her kid, she's deserved, she's asking for a dead kid.
Right.
She's begging for it.
Okay, this whole scene is like a red herring
as to how the dead kid's gonna die,
which I feel is a really weird movie making choice.
Oh yeah, 100%.
There's nothing in the scene other than that.
And also because of that kind of red herring quality,
this whole scene being filmed in an exceptionally shaky
cam from like a distance but zoomed in.
And I thought, is the mum being filmed by like a whanking pervert in the bushes?
Is that the camera? Okay. So for whatever reason, the filmmaker here did not
sit like speak the same cinematic language as the rest of us. This whole movie is shot in some
ways like a, like the third act of a zombie movie.
Also, pretty and dirty. And it just constantly feels like it's supposed to be post apocalyptic.
And they just don't know that that's what that filter means to the rest of us.
Oh, yeah.
And like so many of the shots are way too close or from an inexplicably low angle.
Yeah.
Right.
The camera's just on the floor or something.
It's like that's seen in Citizen Kane, where they had to dig a hole in the ground
to get him to get the camera low enough to look up. It's just that for most of this film.
Yeah, it is as though he was like 150 bucks for a tripod. No, I'll just use a stack of
books and then he realized the only own to the Bible. And he was like, you know what it's a choice.
It's a choice. I'm making a choice for this movie. All right. So I were also going to meet the couple at the center of this movie.
The dad is, he's, he's budget carl urban.
I have him as Carl suburban in my notes.
Oh fantastic.
That is actually.
And that was so obviously when he looked like that I literally had to like control
F to find out if one of you guys had already made that show.
No, I thought it was like a store brand guy,
P.S., but I can totally see the collar of and thing there.
Okay.
Whereas the mom 100% is bargain bin Colony Cox.
Yeah.
100%.
Yes.
Yep.
I ever down as Courtney Dildos.
And I have dad down as Nickelback Body Double through a lot of.
Okay. Yeah, right.
I when they're getting those reverse shots for a look at this photograph, he steps in.
So yeah, great try.
So I will give him that.
Yeah.
So yeah, she's driving along.
She's talking on the phone with dad.
There's a couple of the intersection they're fighting over something, right?
This is just off in the sort of in the background.
And the girl is like, this one white rose won't be enough of an apology. I will throw it out into the
sidewalk now, right? That's such a weird thing because, you know, because of their having
its argument, she says, this $5 of roses isn't sufficient. You need to go back and get
into the 13 of them. So what? So you, you specifically need $65 of roses. That's the fact that that was a $65 in discretion of yours.
Yeah. Look, if you fuck some random girl, that's a single rose, but that was my sister.
Okay. I'm gonna need a full 65 dozen transaction. But yeah, so but the kid is like,
oh, white rose and leaps from the fucking vehicle and just runs out through the into the road to get the rose
because she likes that flower.
This little girl's relationship with roses moves from affection to video game quest giver.
Real fucking quickly.
What eight year old or what seven year olds favorite flower is a white rose like who the fuck
is this Emile child
But mom runs out she's like never leap out of the car while we're driving and run into traffic
I'm like you're just now having that conversation
Put the child locks on your car
Child locks seat belts there's a whole series of things
that are mom's job before it's come on. What did we say about pursuing flora and fauna?
Yes. Open in a second. So yeah. So mom, by the way, gets severely outacted by this
five year old in this scene, but she's like, okay, mom, I won't run into traffic anymore. Here homeless guy have this rose that was sitting right in front of you
that isn't mine.
Yeah.
And it's, it's amazing moment because the mom's very happy with that. So it's like, well,
now that I've given you the lesson about not running off in front of cars, it's perfectly
fine as you go up for you to go off and just talk to a stranger.
Yep.
Maybe, maybe what you need to do is give the lesson before they do the problematic behavior, not after.
Yeah.
And again, I just want to echo that the reason
this scene is in the movie is because the movie knows
we watch the trailer and they're like,
you're probably thinking this is how the kid dies, huh?
Yep, no, it's a different way.
Gotcha.
Yep.
Like what a weird choice to put in your movie.
However, now I wanted this to continue through the whole film.
Like it's an almost final destination through the whole movie.
Blaine's crashing and pianos falling off roast.
And there's a soul to do that a little bit
because there's another moment.
This is the first kind of pump fake on dead child.
And there's another one.
And I was thinking, how many times are you gonna put this child
or hint at the jeopardy and peril this child is in
before she goes?
And then when she does die, I did not actually genuinely
see it coming.
They've totally fake me out.
Yeah, and then they got you.
Yeah.
They got you.
It's a Mr. McGoo that goes for the heart.
Right, literally.
All right, so then, okay.
And all of a sudden, mom cuts in with this VO, talking talking about what a miracle her kid is because what are they gonna do show this to us?
I mean, come on, they could just tell. It's so much easier that way. Yeah, they said that she's on a mission to bring happiness to the world by
running out into traffic in front of distracted drivers apparently. Yeah, right, exactly. And she's like she gives the whole like, you know, all kids are special,
but mine's the best. You know, she gives that speech. Yeah, what a silly thing to say. I mean,
it happens to be true of my child, but that's it's stupid and selfish for her. Right. Well, yeah,
exactly for her. Like, it's, yeah, obviously, not crazy. I'm the only one who should be saying that.
I don't know why other parents do. It's weird. Yeah, they should have edited that into the film.
Like, this child, my child is the second best after Eli's kid. Obviously. Yeah. Yeah. And they're
defense like this was shot in like 2003 or something like that. So they could have
anticipated. Where's that chrome attachment? They could have anticipated. I want that chrome
extension 2012 actually. So anyway, and then we get this like sort of 80s sitcom opening
credits moment.
And that ends with a little girl coming home from school and telling mom about how she
cured the bullies psychological problems with her abulliance.
Yeah.
And shit.
So strange because the kids are actually saying this.
It's very hard to know what she's saying because she decides to deliver all of her lines
simultaneously, wrong and sequentially.
So I can only assume that's because the director knew and she knew that they she decides to deliver all of her lines simultaneously, wrong, and sequentially.
So I can only assume that because the director knew and she knew that they've got to
return the camera to the store by five.
Otherwise, you get to a child who can play through the day.
But at one point, I've just got the kids line was, Camarbriat Manbra.
I have no idea what it was.
Camarbriat Manbra?
No idea.
Not a clue.
So I watched this on Amazon.
I had subtitles throughout, which was really useful, but there was one awesome quirk about
the subtitles, which was if there was a big long silent moment in the movie, they would
just let the last subtitle linger there for a very long time.
And sometimes that got goddamn comical when dad's like, you know, goes from sort of a goofy
scene to dad checking out the house where the lady was murdered.
Right.
He's just like creeping around with a gun and here comes the tickle monster.
Yeah, exactly.
His screen.
Yeah.
So anyway, so yeah, so this fades to mom reading a terrifying Christian bedtime story about
all the angels that watch you.
Will you shit?
Oh, okay.
So not to be outdone by our resident researcher,
I found this book.
Ooh, it is so much more terrifying
than the clips this movie has of it.
They found all the good, least creepy parts
of angels, angels everywhere.
Oh, God.
Wow.
The thing is she says it's her favorite book.
And I thought, more sort than the Bible, you deserve to die and go to hell.
Right.
Exactly.
Come on, let's face it.
It's also very funny when you know what the Bible actually says about angels.
Yeah.
Like, I know post fucking Clarence were all like, I don't know, guys with white wings,
but they're like many face demons explicitly for the destruction of ancient Israeli, like cities. And when you picture it with that rhyming
children's book, it's a lot more fun. Look in the mirror. They're right there.
But yeah, they have eyes everywhere, including inside their bodies. And yeah, but then the
little girl that's done with her book and she asks if you can spend the night with her
friend Amy.
Is that what that was?
Yeah, I had.
Can I snore to Tarranennan any?
Can I snore to Tarranennan to nemy?
I had the subtitles on his point.
I had the captions on and even at that video, it was just like something, something, I don't know, man, what you want from me?
See, this is what we're learning.
We're learning that children, American children
are the Scottish adults so more.
So yeah, and then in this weird moment, she's like,
me and Amy are gonna go to the fun zone,
and dad's like, all right, be careful though.
There's a lot of creepy perverts that hang out there.
Yeah, that's the second pump fake.
Right, because that never comes back into play No, it isn't
Trying to get kidnapped and raped at the fair. Oh cool dad cool
Hey, can we work on you just saying have fun when I go to do activities
Yeah, here's a few dollars for a tough. Yeah, but we'll have some candy close. That's that's the thing you say dad
You want to kick out the headlights the back back tail lights, they come out on purpose so
that you can wave your hand, put some kind of cloth.
All right, dad, I'm going to go to bed.
I'm stepping.
But yeah, yeah.
So she says her ear, cutesy little prayers.
Again, just it's terrifying to see kids do that.
And then we watch her like her mom dropping her off with her friend.
Now, the movie
knows that the kid is going to die on this trip. Yes, but we don't. We don't move. So
it's just like a weird choice. Yeah, especially like we see the big slow motion goodbye. And
it's like, okay, so I guess that she's going to die at the, at the fair. Is she going
to like die in a, and I thought, please let it be that she dies on a ride, that she isn't this tall enough to ride,
and that's how she died. Because a friend is taller than her. Oh, that'd be great.
Just slip, slip beneath the bar and away she goes.
Right.
It gets impaled on the carousel. They're trying to take her, but she keeps going,
I open down.
Okay, so then we get this montage of the fun zone.
And I will say these directorial choices
would only make sense if the kids ate mushrooms
in the parking lot.
Okay, not just that, but they're also kind of playing
the like, is this where the child will die?
Yep, maybe she'll die on the tea cup ride.
Maybe she's gonna show Gunnar Cotton candy.
Right?
Yes.
Yes, everything's ominous and shot like the fucking
opening credits and Dexter or whatever,
but that eventually brings us around
to this merry-go-round.
And after pump-faking 86 different deaths,
the kid just like dies off camera
and it looks like she's falling asleep.
Yes, she gets carousel to death.
I don't know.
What did the other girl do to her?
Right on the side of the carousel.
And look, dead kid, very sad blah blah blah blah blah blah.
But the other mom trying to run around the carousel in a person's team.
Oh no, sorry, excuse me, I just did.
I can't you please.
I'm gonna put somebody please.
It's counterintuitive, but I should really be running the opposite way.
I didn't even, I didn't even occur.
I'm gonna run the opposite way.
I'll shout instructions as I pass you.
Get him.
So she's got a very kind of, the down escalator kind of vibe going on.
Yeah.
And also this is so fucking stupid because like, okay, the kids dead and we know that the
kids dead, but what it looks like is the kid just fell asleep on her friend's shoulder
Yes, and that's what Amy's mom would be like she's like, oh, how cute is that she fell asleep?
Hey guys, it's about time to get home
But immediately because she's read the fucking script. She knows that fucking kid is fucking dead
Yep, so we got to the hospital. Oh, we got to a hospital
Yeah, we got to the whitest living room they knew about.
This whole movie is filmed in about four different rooms, maximum, four different rooms
in one park.
Oh, for sure.
Exactly, exactly.
And the outside of one building downtown.
Right.
Community center.
So, so, so, Dr. Lewis comes in.
She says, you know, I took care of Elizabeth, which she came in. Oh fuck
I didn't mean to switch straight to past tense there. I let me I'm gonna go out and come back in let me go out and come
Yeah, yeah, she says when she arrived she had no pulse and the mom looks at like mm-hmm and what does that mean?
Yeah, she's got no pulse. She literally replies. So she's okay
She literally replies, so she's okay. But why would you think that?
We did all we could, so she's okay then.
No, obviously not, yeah, we did all we could.
And it turns out it was a chance.
She's so, we did.
So unless you suck at your job,
you're telling me she's about to walk through
those doors then, right?
If you did everything you could.
If you were trying to tell me my kid is dead,
you should have been like, we really have to ask it this time,
I'm sorry. And then the doctor realizes they don't get it and goes there was nothing anyone can do to which the dad replies
She's always been a healthy kid. Yeah, and I was like okay
These parents who refuse to hear that their kid is dead is my favorite comedy and I need to go on forever
Doctor be honest is my little girl gonna be okay? I'm afraid she didn't make it.
Well, of course she didn't make it.
She's in her room recovering.
We want to know if she's going to be alright, Dr.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Let me be clear.
There was nothing we could do.
Oh, I see.
So you just had to let God heal her in his own way.
Mm, and now she's all better.
Yeah.
Jesus, no, your kid is dead.
Blah, dead, you know?
Door knob, door nail.
Your kid is no more.
She has ceased to be D. A fucking get it now.
Mm.
But what's her prognosis, doctor?
Yes, doctor, please tell us.
You know what? I'm glad your kid is that you guys are the fucking worst.
Yeah, so but finally the doctor gets through to him, right?
And he says, I'm a cop, go back in and fix her, bring me back my little girl.
I'm like, none of those words make
fucking sense. Screen. I will shoot you. I will shoot you with my police gun until you
go back and bring my daughter back to life. Resurrect my child.
I also want to point out that the daughter died due to an undiagnosed and large heart.
And it's like, so the film about the girl with a big heart, she dies because
of a big heart. So that's what we're saying here. That's what happened in this symbolism.
Oh, she's got a big hearted girl. Oh, literally, that's, that's, that's, that's very much
the downfall. The real problem. Exactly. So, okay, so we sprint over to the funeral. We're
nine minutes into this fucking movie. Pastor Bob gives his graveside memorial. That's pretty much it's hard to understand the death of a child.
Oh shit. Did I say that out loud?
Why Christian movies? Why have the past? You can just have music and the pastor's mouth
moving. You don't have to have the part where the guy's only job is dealing with this shows up and goes
Yikes, am I right?
You know when my job is easy weddings I nail it at weddings
Did the things he said he says doesn't like they don't get any better
He said she was one one of God's very special souls
So does that mean God has kids with like just regular
Shoes or I kind of shitty souls? Oh, no, she was obviously
the good souls, but the other kids out there know there's
some pretty shitty soul. They're the real bottom of the barrel
type. So yeah, so they said to the funeral everybody, so they
have to do the thing where the parents stay longer than
everybody else, but they didn't think of doing time cuts
or anything like that. So everybody just dips out like they've all got a game to watch right here.
Yeah.
Okay.
It looks like you guys are going to monologue back and forth a little bit.
We're just going to go.
Yeah.
No, you're not feeding everybody.
No, that's right.
I guess we'll grab lunch near this cemetery.
There's a line that the mom says about God as well.
She says, why didn't he warn us to which the dad replies, she's merely smirter, burry
earth.
Oh my God, it's contagious.
Quick check.
His heart isn't enlarged as well.
She's coming for him.
I love it.
So mom's like, you know, she's like, you know, look, I'm sure God has some kind of cool
dead daughter related play.
But still, this is rough.
This is pretty rough.
Yeah.
There's this moment where Dan's like, wait, you thought this was part of her plan?
What kind of psychotic plan is that?
And mom in this fantastic moment of honesty is just like, I'm grieving.
So I'm going to believe whatever the fuck I want that gets me through this.
And he's like, okay, yeah, I guess if you want to, she's a dinosaur.
Are you ready?
She's a dinosaur and she just reversed through time.
Sure.
Whatever you want.
But no, dad's not ready to accept that yet.
So he needs some time alone with their daughter's coffin.
And I wrote in my notes, oh, sure.
But when I say it, everyone calls the cops.
I don't know who I am all of a sudden.
And so because I watched this for free on Amazon with ads, I got like immediately after
this, I got this random super upbeat KitKat ad.
Me too.
Right.
But I watched it on Tubi and Tubi only has two ads for me, ABC mouse and medications for
fat people.
So I got it.
I got to like, you're kickin' learn to read at home.
Don't worry about it.
And then like, seriously,
you need to give them these pills.
So many, so I watched it on YouTube initially.
I had to switch the sound to what you fucks up at one point.
But on YouTube, all it did was try to pitch me ads
for like a debt relief service.
Like, you're in 6,000 pounds worth of debt
and you're not sure how to get out of that, aren't you?
And it was that ad constantly every single time
there's an ad break. So they know their audience, they know
that they're audience. Yeah, they get it. All right. So I could go for a cat cat now that
you mentioned it. Yeah. So okay. So it's about six months later. We know because the site
comes up and says six months later. And mom is talking to her sister and her mother.
Don't worry. We will never see these characters again. You don't even really see them this time because this is another one of those shots where
we're so up close that I could probably describe like a quarter of the mom's face, but nothing
more than that.
Right.
Yeah.
They also shoot their shots, counter shots badly.
So at one point she's talking to the mom, but it's showing the sister and I wrote my notes.
I was like, oh, that lady's too young to be her mom. And then it actually shows the mom and I was like,
never mind to take it back. Take it back. Okay. Poor shot choice. Yeah. But the point is,
they're like, hey, it seems like you're having a really hard time with your dead kid. Do you want to
put a tremendous amount of emotional energy into other people? I bet that would help you right now,
yeah? Right. They're like, look, it's been a fucking time jump and everything. You need to move the fuck on. I'm a Valentina
dad at the homeless shelter. That'd be a good plot. Six months just enough with the dead
adults were already dead. I'm just something. I'm sick of the new and you dead
adult to then come on. Pull yourself together. Watch a show, like catch up on a TV show.
Everyone's watching Jane the Virgin, people like that. So, so then the narration kicks in again because you know why bother showing us and she explains that
dad works too much to deal with the dead kid and she's volunteering at the homeless shelter to
deal with the dead kid. But we do establish that not only is the data cop he's apparently working on
a major arm's deal. Oh you're right. like, he probably should be working quite a lot.
If there's a, I don't know that many police officers get involved in major arm's deals.
That sounds like a feds kind of thing.
But if he's the one holding back a midge, yes, work definitely work.
And so, okay.
So we get her shown up at the homeless shelter she's volunteering at.
This is where we introduce PTSD Frank.
Oh, who will use as a comedy prop or comic relief.
Now, hey, here's a fun game, which is how tragic
can Frank's character get throughout the movie while everyone's still ignores it
and pretends he's a comic character.
He starts terrifying and sad and why isn't anyone helping him?
And by the end, he's like, my friends died face down in the mud
and they're like, smacking and working in my hair.
The only thing that he doesn't do is slip his wheelchair
on a banana peon.
Oh, yeah.
He's playing essentially like a comedy version
of Gary Sinesi's character from Forrest Gump
in the wheelchair in the Depression.
And it's an insane choice for a homeless person in this film.
And I've just really hoped that none of that was in the script.
And they acted just saw it as his big chance to add some color to things to some
really beefy character.
He was just known as Frank and he just sort of stood around sort of pointing at things,
but he really worked that character up.
So yeah, so she's chatting with PTSD Frank.
character up. So yeah, so she's chatting with PTSD Frank. When suddenly she sees the ghost of Elizabeth on the street. So she gives chase, right? Yeah. By the way, Elizabeth is,
we'll always do the same thing throughout the rest of this movie. She will appear, drop
a single rose petal because I guess they couldn't get that like listen sound effect from Zelda
and then disappear to the next spot she needs to be.
But again, it's always video game quests, right?
She never shows up like where she needs to be.
She's always like, all right, you follow the fucking breadcrums mom.
Right.
Yeah, exactly.
Exactly.
So yeah, but so mom chases her ghost.
She keeps disappearing right as she gets there and she'll appear just a little further on with another white rose
Pedal, but she's bringing her mom. She's luring her mom to these two homeless girls that are apparently living in a box that
Literally abuts the homeless shelter. Yes, but they have it noticed that there's a homeless shelter
Incredible that two homeless people living in a combo box behind the homeless shelter.
Yeah, why did they do that?
Oh, it's totally Lindy Cruz.
When she tells them it's a homeless shelter, I want her to be like, no, I feel like an idiot.
You're kidding.
When she walks around the corner, fuck me.
I feel like an asshole.
I wondered why that guy kept asking if I wanted to come inside.
I was like, hey, man, I'm not in front of the kid, but
it's a lot more sense now.
I owe him an apology.
So yeah, so we have like, I don't know, 16.
She's supposed to be like 16 year old girl and then like an eight or nine year old girl
as well, who appears to be a rescue.
Yeah.
Right.
She says, is this your little girl?
She's like, no, I just found her.
You know, she followed me home one day in my cardboard box. She doesn't talk much.
Yeah. And the mom's like, I get it.
If you find a kid that you can keep it,
that's very important to me for later.
You're gonna establish that as a rule now, right?
Yeah. Good. Good.
Yeah. It's all been agreed. We're all good with it.
Yeah. And another square on the Christian movie, Bingo card,
aside from logos, we'll never see again.
Smudgy homeless
people. Oh my God. So sure that you lose your hat like they come and they take your
deed and your keys and then they like gently wipe a little bit of, you know, put this
makeup on you. Yeah. A little bit of gravy around the mouth. Yeah. No, every fucking
homeless person crawled through a chimney to get here apparently.
Yeah. So we cut them on back in the shelter.
She's thanking Lionel, that's the guy who runs the shelter for taking in homeless people,
which is kind of what he does.
This is a homeless shelter, right?
He's like, yeah.
And when you say Lionel is the guy that runs the homeless shelter, I think that's true,
but I think it's true in real life.
But I think they've managed to get the location
homeless shelter down for the filming of this.
And Lionel would only let them have it
if he could be on camera as well.
Because Lionel does not seem to me like an actor.
He certainly doesn't get over any lines like an actor.
I can only assume he just came with the building
and they went, yeah, fine, fine Lionel,
yes, we're going camera.
You know, he had the feeling of like a Stanley cameo,
but we don't know who he is, You know, everybody in the theater, they were like, yeah, it's
Lionel. Lionel stood up and did his like his dab gesture that everybody knows. He also,
he says something terrifying that the movie never addresses again that haunts me. She's
like, oh, thanks for taking care of those girls. And he goes, they'll have a room away from the others. So they'll be safe. And I was like,
Oh, what's going on at your homeless shelter there?
Right.
Yeah. He also says that he'll lose his license over it. And she's like, look, I know you'll
lose your license. And if you lose your license, it does mean that all these homeless people
are going to be entirely fucked. But I'm currently out to the tune of one doctor. And I'm kind
of looking at some of thisize kittens. So, right.
Yeah, he says we should call child services and I wrote in my notes.
No, I think they may be better off in my redemption arc and he's like, yeah, right.
Redemption, right.
Yeah.
And this will happen several times for people are like, well, why wouldn't we just call
social services and they're like, I don't fuck up the plot.
There's never a good reason for them not to have done that. But Laura, the mom character, we just learned her name at this point in the film.
She says, well, you know, I get the feeling that they both had a bad experience in foster
care.
And I'm like, okay, well, first of all, that's not a feeling that you can have.
That's not amongst the human emotions.
But secondly, that's all the more reason to put them in the hands of a trained social worker
rather than a depressed, hallucinating volunteer,
Jesus freak.
Right?
Yup, you think so.
Also, I have this later in my notes somewhere,
but like of the harmful tropes movies put forward,
foster care is a bad scary place.
Is in the top five.
Oh, yeah.
Like look, I know the foster care system isn't perfect, Care is a bad scary place. Is in the top five. Right. Yeah.
Look, I know the foster care system isn't perfect,
but the fact that every movie,
especially the ones aimed at children is like,
oh, gg, gg, gg, gg, gg, gg, gg, gg, gg,
foster care.
Yeah.
They might as well be like, never drink water, kids.
All right, fun.
All right, so now we've cut Delora and her husband,
the cop dad is Steve, by the way.
So Lauren's Steve are sitting down to a dinner of Midwestern
Slop
I
Need these movies to stop doing their own crafty for my own
I will watch your terrible morals and your horrible ideas for the rest of my natural life as long as our patrons let me
But I can no longer look at your undercut ragu covers
Let me, but I can no longer look at your undercut ragu covers, beginning dinner. Speaker 05 So like this was so Midwest, I guarantee you that one of the ingredients in this meal
was some number of cans of Campbell's cream of chicken soup.
Speaker 05 I was going to say I asked cream of cream of soup.
Speaker 05 Yes, so what are the ingredients is cream of cream of soup and at least two or
three of the ingredients is cream of cream of soup and at least two or three of the ingredients are potatoes.
Yes.
It's not just one like several contain parts of this is potato.
Cream of chicken soup meat potatoes.
Yes.
Exactly.
So someone gave up the third of a gym baker bucket.
Yeah.
Have crafty.
So, okay, but this is when Laura decides to tell him about the ghostly visitation she had
that day.
And at the moment, she says it, we cut to his response. a decision to tell him about the ghostly visitation she had that day.
At the moment, she says it, we cut to his response and he could not be having less of a
shit before she even says a word.
So he really goes at it as soon as she speaks.
So we cut to a close of our face, but again, it's one of those weird choices that this movie
makes in terms of angles.
It decides to go upwards at him, to shoot upwards at him, which makes me feel like we've
just cut to mashed potato or camera. That is absolutely potato. Yeah, yeah. Also, I didn't realize this until I watched
the movie for the second time, but they think that this isn't like a morning reaction and not a
horribly abusive reaction, right? Because they'll never go back and have him be like, hey, I'm sorry,
I screamed at you as you were telling me
about your day the other day, but it's like a teenage son.
She's like, so I had, go, whatever, fuck,
just say whatever you're gonna say.
Right.
Yeah, exactly.
As she says, I saw our ghost child and he's like,
you did, she our fucking ghost, immediately.
He's in screaming mode.
She's like, no, I saw our ghost child
and she brought me to two homeless girls, to which he says, what's a little girl doing on the
street anyway? I'm like, what a weird ass next piece of plot relevant information prompt
of a question. Why are they homeless? It sounds like they suck ass.
Yeah, it's the same delivery as the gall line as well. So it's a totally total.
Right. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. What of the camera to pan over and the little homeless girls standing there. Well,
you see what happened. We're shut up. Okay. Also, the mums says they looked like they haven't
eaten in a really long time. And no, they didn't. They just said that. They applied that.
I love to. There's this moment where he's gets so angry that he just like slaps his dishes off the plate, but
But do not glass
Right, so he's like a plastic cup. So it just bounces all plastic and silly around the room for a minute while he's trying to be angry
And it's Midwestern potatoes, so they also bounce and then land and perfect shape exactly back on the plate
Yeah, I love it also. This is is where they're going to introduce this girl's nickname, which got I spent so
much of this movie being like, I know it is some variation on pumpkin.
I just need to know which one.
It will be, I believe, pumpkin, P you and K I N.
That's what the subtitles told me.
Yes.
Oh, that's so rough.
I really want to just stop making those noises consistently throughout
this film. He's a horrible kind of a nickname on it. Oh, God.
A bunch of my notes throughout this movie is C aren't you glad that people just call
each other like Poppy and Marm in England now?
So, okay. So, yeah. So they have this little fight. He tells her about the little girl
on the street and then we get the like apology scene
because they need him to not be a bad guy in the next scene.
So they have this just rushed ass apology
where he goes, I shit you not his actual line is,
look honey, there's no book on how to survive the death of a child.
Oh my God, yes, they're all.
I'm losing those books.
Why would it not beically an Amazon category of
its own. Yeah. There is a book
literally called How to Survive the
Death of a Chicago. Also, this
this whole scene where he's
apologised because it's shot
again weirdly. They're silhouetted
facing each other in front of a
bright window in the background.
Yes. And to be honest, midway
through the scene, all I could see was a Viz.
I'd really think I could make that.
Yep.
It's shot like someone didn't have the courage to do porn for women.
Yeah.
Right.
They're like, I know.
They're just, they're just going to hug and then we'll cut.
Yes.
So.
All right.
So now we're at the homeless shelter with PTSD Frank again, when Laura shows up.
And she can't find pumpkin or
tilly who is the older girl that pumpkin was with when they found her.
Yep.
And so she asked Frank and Frank is like, I have scots of Freddy.
I think we're in a war and she's like, right, right, not helpful, not helpful.
Right.
At this point, one of the other actors in the scene visibly rolls their eyes at Frank's
bullshit here.
So this is, I don't think that is the character
role in the rise. I think it's the actor. Fox six, Steve. You were meant to.
Oh, man, your line is no. You brought your own costume. This is ridiculous. You can get
that cheap wheelchair. This is ludicrous, mate. You're one line. You can't stay in character
in between takes, man. We're shooting this over three months. So but just then Elizabeth's ghost appears
in the back of the room and mom jumps up and starts sprinting after it. Oh, at this point, the
daughter is like a tutorial. You can't turn off in a video. Okay. Right. And the way she disappears
whenever the mom comes close as well, it's the special effects are constantly consistently amazing.
It's the very best that
a trial version of 2004's After Effects has to offer. Oh, yeah. It's not like the full
version. It's like, well, yeah, we could, I mean, the 30-day trial has expired. So we're
very limited on what we've got here, but we can make it work. It's fine. It's enough.
Yeah. Yeah. No, it's very like original Star Trek beaming up effects. So but she runs out after the ghost and
damn if she doesn't find a couple of punks read minorities messing with that poor little girl.
But they don't have any black friends. So it's a white guy and an Asian guy who is very uncomfortable doing gangster voice.
Right. The white guy is like, what up, motherfucker? And then
it's Asian guys like we are also criminals. But but then mom, do you know who I am?
These motherfuckers, right? Oh, the power of cake. She is Karen as a super heroine. Yeah,
exactly, exactly. She says, I'm sorry, you can't harass these kids. My husband
is a cop. And they're just like, I don't. What, what, what, what does that mean? That
is he, is he here? Oh, but, oh, yeah, is he around? Because that's not relevant. Otherwise,
oh, she might as well throw like mean Facebook posts and expired coupons at them. That's
hell. But this is what we see with the with more of the villains
in this film. We'll see several criminals in this film. They'll be in the process of committing
some sort of crime or attempting a crime. Someone will say, don't. And they'd be like,
that's a real time. Yeah, they went to the swiper school of criminal.
They went to the swiper school of
Yes, so they wander off and till he goes yeah, they wanted pumpkin I don't know why and she's like I tell you but it's a Christian fucking movie
If you ever heard of Andy Wilson
Yeah, when they said that I wrote because they wanted to start an awesome sitcom and you ruined it
they said that I wrote because they wanted to start an awesome sitcom and you ruined it. Come on.
Two youngsters and a baby.
So okay.
So the gangsters leave.
They come back to their boss guy, their arms dealer boss, dude.
This is Paulie.
Yeah.
And they arrange a deal with this guy with all the authenticity of a vice city cutscene.
Yes.
That's a naturalist whole thing feels.
Yeah.
And he's like, where's that child
you were supposed to steal me? And I wrote my notes, Mars, you get it. You work with
Andy Wilson. Yeah. Right. So I'm going to have a conversation.
But it's so weird because they're trying to buy a gun. And he says, well, if you've not
got the child, then you don't get the discount. So the deal was you get a discount on a hand
gun. If you delivered this guy an actual live child, right. And then they buy a single gun with a small role of cash.
So how much discount were they getting?
And what are the economics of child kidnapping this universe?
It's so personal.
You can buy a gun legally without stealing a child.
That's the same thing.
And with less cash, they can buy this gun without stealing a child.
They could buy this gun illegally without stealing a child.
It's by the role of cash that he had.
It might have been about $600.
Yeah, feel like you just got that done
in a number of different ways.
Yeah.
They go to a dick sporting goods.
And how many children is this rifle?
I'm sorry.
What?
All right.
So now we're sitting down to dinner again.
And Laura has the whole like, well, now I don't even know
if I want to tell you about
the dead daughter vision I had look on her face.
So he's like, fine, go ahead.
Tell me the, I love, look, we've all had the couple fight of like, well, you were very
negative about me talking about my friend's wire jewelry.
So I don't want to talk about it.
And you've got to like, no, I want to hear about her wire jewelry, except they're talking
about their ghost daughters fucking NPC missions.
Yes.
So, yes.
So, she's like, yeah, let me tell you this story.
So there were a couple of gang members.
And he goes, what do you mean gang members?
And she's like, Hispanic.
They were minorities.
Well, Asian and a white guy, but they're like, we acted like they were Hispanic.
They were doing Hispanic voice.
Yeah, for sure. And the
cop says, Oh, was it a Hispanic guy
with a cross tattoo? And he's like,
Yeah, oh, that's from this gang that I'm
investigating. It's okay. Should we
should we dig into what that cross tattoo
means? Read the religiosity of this
and have a fit into your Christian
wealth, you guys. However, that's it.
That will be the most investigating
of that gang he ever does in the movie.
Dad will spend the rest of the movie getting incredibly concrete leads for crimes and being like,
I don't know if you saw this. Damn. Damn. Yeah. Nothing we can do here. I'm afraid. Yeah. Exactly.
Yeah. It's a Friday at 515, though. Right. Well, and there's this great moment too,
where the, the moms like, you know, I really think we need to help this kid, but and then she's like, no, no, no, you have no idea how terrifying
street children can be.
They'll fuck you up.
Yeah.
There's like kids from a street are broken, honey.
You just need to throw them right back.
That's what you're going to do.
Just toss them back.
Also, there's a point where she's, when she is talking about how we need to rescue this
kid.
And he says, Laura, I know you've got a big heart. And I thought too soon, come on. Unless you mean it's
hereditary and you need her to get checked out. Yeah.
All right.
Okay. Accusation. So it's diagnosis.
Well, and then of course, his solution is just like, Hey, well, you know, they have a whole
department of the municipal government dedicated to these kids that are in this situation.
Like, no, that would, that would fuck up the plot.
Can't do that.
No, no social services, only white lady magic.
I am Sandra Bullock.
Yeah, exactly.
All right.
Well, I'll tell you what, we've been circling around a plot for so long I'm starting to
get tired.
So we're going to pause for a quick break, but we'll back in a minute with even more
of Elizabeth's gift.
Hi, I'm Tony D. Are you a Christian movie actor? Has something said just happened to your character? Well then come on down to Tony D's house
of Christian movie crying. We've got moving your face around a lot. Not my daughter.
Are you having some kind of fit? Putting your hand in your head like a cartoon character.
Boohoo, boohoo, I say.
And of course, spraying your face with water in the wrong places.
I'm so sad, okay Brian, this is mostly getting on my neck.
Fuck you.
Don't eat these house of Christian movie crying,
because if you had the impathy to cry,
you wouldn't be a Christian movie actor.
And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin our hero, show it up to the homeless shelter. Once again, chatting up PTSD Frank. This is I think the
third scene that opens with that. Yep. I'm going to keep track for myself.
She also decides to share that she's seeing her dead daughter with crazy Frank.
I wrote in my notes, yeah, I'm seeing my dead daughter and I wrote in my notes.
Cool.
I have schizophrenia, so probably don't say that stuff to me.
It's fun.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But she's being super chill about it, right?
You know, she's just like, you know, you're never going to believe what I heard on the radio.
My dead daughter's voice speaking to me.
But yeah, no, she's, she's all right with it.
She's made, made her peace with it.
And then she literally like throws a dollar into the homeless people's myths
and we watch them fight over it as the scene ends.
The scene ends with a casual comedic bum fight.
Yeah.
Right, right, well, and it ends because she sees her dead daughter.
She's like, oh, you're speaking of dead daughters.
There she has got to run.
And this, this dead kid is just shedding rose petals
the way my cat sheds.
It's just like,
I'm not a fucking,
how's the more rose petals?
You are not,
this but you are more rose petal than kid.
How is this impossible?
That's it.
Yeah, but of course,
so Laura runs after the dead kid.
She runs right into pumpkins flashback, I guess,
to when she was packing heat,
punkin had a gun and I, why did they give this silent eight-year-old
a gun?
It made no sense ever to, yeah.
So before the flashback is like a hint of a flashback,
they're gonna like tease us with that flashback
about three times before they actually show us the goddamn scene.
Right. And to be clear, the whole flashback, every time we see a flashback like that, it's
shot in this kind of weird black fuzzy filter, which is 100% because it's in the same house
that Laura and Steve live in and we can't make that clear.
So it's just like, oh my god, it is.
Close it all down.
You're probably right.
Amazing.
Okay.
But the guy from the flashback, who was the guy who hired the minorities earlier,
is apparently on the street trying to kidnap
pumpkin and broad daylight again by just going,
eehh, my-
Come on!
Whoa!
Yeah.
James, this time she doesn't even have
like older homeless girl with her.
So apparently she's been fending him off
by herself pretty well until this point.
Yeah, just by going, no. Yeah. And at this point, I realized the guy who
is the sort of the creepy child kind of catcher, he looks like Tom Green, but less creepy somehow.
You're right. He does. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like if Tom Green really started to take himself
seriously and account for who has become to society. He'd be a child kidnapping
pedophile. Yeah. Right. So yes. But Laura shows up mid kidnapping. And she says, and I
quote, I help it the shelter. And I'm going to help this little girl are the lines in
the movie to which he responds. I will take this little girl. I knew her mom. And she's
like, she's like, that doesn't work like that.
And he's like, well, it doesn't work your way either.
She's like, well, no, that's fair.
That's fair.
Neither of those are how it works when you find a kid.
Let's, okay, let's do this like adults,
which of us has a kudishut.
Yeah, but of course, he's like, hey, I, you know,
I'm just a bad part of town.
And I could stab you or something probably, as she goes, my husband's a cop and he's like,
you got me, you got me.
And then he runs away.
So it's still this tactic of getting criminals to leave by saying, go away and they got
it.
No, good point.
I'm a magic.
What?
Don't also the homeless people show up and threaten him with the knife that we learned
that Frank carries on him.
Also, yes.
Yes.
Frank shows up. Has a combat knife, which again, the two that we learned that Frank carries on him. Yes. Yes.
Frank shows up has a combat knife, which again, the two things we now know about Frank, he
is schizophrenic and he has a very, very sharp knife on him at all.
Yeah.
Right.
So yeah, so he leaves and then Laura turns to Tilly, the older girl, and says, here, this
is my husband's card.
Call him.
He can unhomeless you. He's a cop. And this makes no sense because like, this is my husband's card. Call him, he can unhomeless you.
He's a cop.
And this makes no sense because like, here's my husband's card.
He's a cop who works on arms deals.
So, you know, he's perfect to deal with you.
So, fuck off and let me have this replacement child.
Well, yeah, she even says, I think I've got an idea
what to do with pumpkin.
And I'm like, okay, that you can't just keep her.
You know you can't.
They do not know you can't. They do not, that you can't just keep her. You know you can't. They do not know you can't know that you can't just keep her. No. Also, why we meant to care
about this. So the reason they're trying to set up that we care about this child is that,
oh, she's so much like my daughter. She's like, got the same kind of spirit as my daughter,
but she doesn't. She doesn't at all. The kid who died was like this kind-hearted,
helping everybody. Polyanna is kid who wouldn't shut this kind-hearted, helping everybody, Polly Anna-Rish kid who
wouldn't shut the fuck up.
And all we know about Punkin is, she never speaks and has a slightly dirty face.
And doesn't do things.
And is being pursued by this pedophile gun seller.
Right.
They're not remotely similar except small white child.
Yep.
That's it.
Marsh, I now realize that what you said was Polly and Iish.
I thought you were calling the previous little girl, Polly Amorous.
And I was like, you know, Marsh, I didn't get that vibe from her.
I gotta say, I'm going to take this train with you.
But I mean, maybe it's the mum that's Polly Amorous in the sense that she didn't see the
daughters as hierarchical
Yeah, I'm mother-daughter relationship with different kids and then and perhaps the sloppyest insertion of a plot point in this entire
Fucking film and there's some steep goddamn competition there
Branded the homeless lady named divine shows up, and she's like oh hello little girl that I know some of the backstory
Oh, well, I'm not never mind, never mind, never mind.
She doesn't drive by plotting.
Oh, no, something about her, but you won't find out until later.
Good.
Yeah.
Exactly.
So now we cut to that, like that night, it's obviously it's mid afternoon based on the
sun that we can see through the windows, but we're going to pretend it's that night.
Stephen Laura are getting into bed, but she's got a favor to ask from him.
No, not a fun one.
Yeah.
Can I ask you a favor?
Is it a doctor homeless child you found?
Well thing is like she's doing before we even speak.
She's doing that kind of, I saw our dead daughter again face, which is kind of a bit annoying.
And she's doing that thing where she's like, hmm, hmm, hmm, where someone's got something they want
to say, but they don't want to just say it. They want you to ask, Oh, how are you doing?
Have you got something to tell me? So she's trying to lure him in. Yes. You're asking
her what she's thinking. It's, it's, it's really her. Yeah. This is very much a, we will
do outfit stuff if you use your cop powers to look up this homeless child's conversation.
Yeah. She wants to do a background check on the eight-year-olds.
Like, yeah, I'll just put pumpkin, comma, eight-year-olds into the date by the sea.
Yeah.
And she says, well, no, actually, a homeless lady randomly said her name might be Mary
Jane.
And he's like, oh, well, that's pretty much all the information I need.
That's almost a fingerprint, right there.
He says, I can work with that.
How? How can you work with that? Just eight year old cold Mary Jane enter. Yeah. So
that's yeah. And then she gives him a kiss and she says, he says, what was that for? She
says, that's for putting up with your emotional life. And that's what I want to bet with
myself that a dude wrote this script. This this movie does a fade out in this scene like they fuck here.
Mm-hmm.
Are we supposed to think that they felt like, hey, thanks for finding that homeless kid.
Now put your dick in my face.
You're lucky so and so.
Alright, so now we cut to the station where so apparently we haven't spent enough time on the fact that dad cops from home
Yes
Police work from home is that I mean maybe during all the pandemic maybe but I it's not a normal thing
But a police detective who's trying to crack the big gunsmuggling ring
Just does it from his home office. Yeah, and his home office, which has like an A3 poster of his dead kid.
It's an enormous picture.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I do like the idea of a cop trying to work from home, though.
Like he gets home.
He's like, oh, honey, what'd you do to my office?
Why organized all your dead victims, right?
By color.
I put a nice, I wanted to make it nice for you.
You never appreciate me.
I cleaned up all that thread you had tied between all
those pictures. It was blocking all the words. So yeah, so but he's calling his friend Mac in the runaway
division to look into Mary Jane and he's like, wait, are you as this entire scene, just you
following up on the thing that your wife asked you to do in the last scene, he's like more than
that, I'm going to summarize it for her in then XC. And he's like, wow,
this really has no reason to be in the dialogue between the music. He's incredible.
Because Steve tells Mac, well, you know, she said this homeless girl reminds her of our dead
daughter. And it's like, well, and I think Max says back, I'm glad you found something to make
her feel good. Yep. It's important to have hobbies when your kid died. Yeah. I'm glad you found something to make her feel good. Yep, it's important to have hobbies when your kid died.
Yeah, I'm glad you found something.
That's something is another right?
A human being.
A child.
And then Mac asks, what is it you need me to do?
It's like, Mac, you're the runner-way's gun.
You can't figure out what you might need to do.
Well, the fucking nine-year-old on the street,
you don't know what I want you to cover it up.
Maybe.
So yeah, so he gets off the street and you don't know what I want you to cover it up. Maybe. So,
yeah, so he gets off the phone and then fucking Laura comes into his home office. So he summarizes
that last scene for her. Yeah. Yep. While the camera is full centimeters from that face,
it's ridiculous. Yeah. And then Laura's like, look, I know it's a little late in the plot
for me to introduce this, but I want to start a foundation
to help get kids off the street
and name it after our dead kid.
And he's like, you know what,
you're not talking about seeing our kids ghost.
I'm fine with it, sure.
Yeah, yeah, whatever makes you accept
that our child is dead and gone into the void.
Anyways, I found this room at all.
Well, what is involved in starting a foundation to rescue kids from the street? Because like,
they're on one police detective's salary and she doesn't do anything as best we can tell.
How much do they pay police detectives where they live that they can just start a foundation
for homeless kids? Well, she's going to raise the money for it later in the film. She's going to
say, gala, and then people show up with checks. With a whole load of money. Yeah, absolutely. And you know, none of those places exist already.
There's nowhere. There's she doesn't know of a business that helps children that don't have
houses. So it's way better for her to start her own foundation. At one. Yeah. Yeah, she doesn't
know of a business that she spends all of her waking hours hanging around and a guy who spends all of his time doing that.
Right.
You could just put a little bit more effort to that.
No.
I really wanted the next scene she has with the owner of the homeless shelter for him to
be really bitchy, just like, oh, I hear you're starting your own thing and doing a fundraiser.
Yeah.
Well, but instead, so that's the next scene, right?
She shows up at the homeless shelter.
And she's like, hey, I'm going to start my own homeless shelter.
And he's like, well, I think that's the next scene right she shows up at the homeless shelter. She's like, Hey, I'm going to start my own homeless shelter. And he's like, well, I think that's great. We could
get, you know, we could get together and form like homeless shelter.
Voltron. It was awesome. But like what, what does he, like, what is she bringing to the mix here?
Right. Because he's like amazed. He's like, I know I can get you like food and clothes for
the homeless. That's right. I mean, you could have, you could have that without a foundation.
And by your foundation is going to do it, what you mean is you've just could have that without a foundation. And by your foundation is gonna do it,
what you mean is you've just said
I've got a foundation now, and that's all that's happened.
That you haven't got any money,
you don't have any food, you don't have any clothes,
you've done nothing, and yet I have to be grateful to you.
Lionel's grateful to have it.
Yeah.
This is a movie that takes place in an alternate universe
where paperwork doesn't exist.
Yeah, exactly.
So yeah, but Lionel's like, well, that's great.
I think you're awesome.
I bet your daughter's in heaven and she's like,
nah, probably standing right behind me.
Yep, standing right behind me.
I gotta go.
I gotta go.
Oh, God.
So she chases Elizabeth's ghost was again
into another one of Pumpkin's flashbacks.
And it's great.
Her chasing is great.
Because she's like, sorry, I've got a goal.
I've just got a jog after the ephemeral apparition
about deceased child.
You know, it's a whole thing.
I'm not going to get into it.
I was going to jog off in slow motion.
Honey, can we work out a walking-based system?
Maybe you just chopped a little earlier.
Some mom doesn't have to sprint.
So Paulie is trying to nap pumpkin again
when she gets out there, she's like,
are you kidnapping or are I getting,
he's like, you got me, I was talking.
I was talking, I'm getting her.
This time, old man from the soup kitchen shows up.
Yeah, and he has a gun in the weirdest show.
He's for the movie to make.
He's like, look, I'm a nice guy and everything,
but I will shoot you fucking dead. And he's like, oh, he also shows up dressed as the terminator with a gun.
But he's in a full black leather trench coat, black gloves, and packing heat.
It's an incredible, incredible decision.
And look, there's nothing better for your homeless shelter to keep the peace than a loaded
firearm stuffed down the front of your pants.
I think we can all agree.
So yeah, but so light will show up and he's like, no, you can't kidnap her. I've got a gun. And he's
like, all right, I'm going to leave. And then nobody like calls the cops and says, hey, we've had
several kidnapper attempts for the same dude on the same kid now in the same place.
It's amazing. Laura even says, look, if you see that man again, call the police because he just
tried to kidnap this little girl. So call the police now then yourself.
But why wait for the next, you've got his license,
he just wrote his own license.
He's already got two clicks.
He's like, and your husband is a fucking police officer.
As you keep reminding, call your husband,
give him the license plate and say,
keep trying to kidnap children.
Yeah.
It's like in trapment, you have to catch him
while he's actually kidnapping the little girl. He can't do
if he doesn't do it. There's no
nobody. No crime. Yes.
Yeah. But so that's a lord
decides to take pumpkin for
herself and run around in a
park for a while. Yeah. Under
the loudest piano music that
they had in the stock library.
Yeah. So loud during the scene.
Oh, they ran out of park
shit to do so soon. It's amazing.
They're like seesaw swings.
Fuck, I don't know, more swings.
And what's amazing to is that Laura can't do any of the stuff, right?
So she's just like trying to run around all excited with the other kid, but that just
means she's running back and forth like a psychopath.
And yeah, they really do demonstrate just how quickly the novelty of a swing set wears off
as I swing and pretty much all that.
No, I don't think so.
I think I've had enough.
But then they sit down for a heart to heart about her dead kid and I wrote my notes,
why are you sharing this?
This child has been through enough?
Right?
Yes, I just write, don't tell her about your dead daughter.
Please don't tell her about your dead daughter.
Please don't, please don't, please don't.
It's like, well, Mary Jane,
you might wonder why I seem so invested
in you not dying in the streets.
Well, it turns out you remind me of someone who had worth.
Ha ha ha.
Isn't that lucky?
Huh?
It's a good thing you weren't black, am I right?
I would've just been like, oh, jeez.
But again, Adolta was, this kid does not remind anyone
of Adolta.
Adolta was younger, smaller, had no teeth,
and would not shut the fuck up.
This kid, in none of those things,
it just makes no sense.
And the kid just answers with a shrug,
and I completely get it.
I completely agree, kid.
Yeah.
Whatever you say, lady, whatever keeps you
keeping people from kidnapping me, you know?
Yeah, exactly.
Whatever you have to believe.
And then there's also this great moment where punkin is like, oh, hey, are these roast
pedals that I've been finding?
Are these pertinent to the plot in any way?
It's like symbolism.
They're symbolism.
Yes.
Sorry.
She gives a little overboard.
And it's really clear at this point that the mom is going to collect this kid off
the street.
Yes. But which one is weird and also to fuck Tilly, I guess, because Tilly's not a problem.
Oh, yes.
Tilly's like, I'd say an early teen mid-teens, maybe she's 14 or something like that.
Yeah. So like, uh, fuck you, I don't need you anymore. I want nothing to do with Tilly. We'll just
focus on this chart. I'm really in the market for an eight-year-old. Sorry, Tilly, you should,
you should have looked like the dead one. Yeah.
You should have been homeless six or seven years earlier
than we would have been in business.
Yeah, she's like, hey, you live with me now.
And I wrote, okay, to be clear,
this is also a kidnapping.
It's just a well-intentioned one.
Yeah, right.
No, it's just a nicer kidnapping.
Yeah, so we hard-cut the fucking pumpkin
in a Elizabeth's old room.
Laura's brushing her hair in the bed.
Dad comes and Steve comes in and he's like,
all right, we can at least all agree
this is fucking weird.
Yeah, so this against Steve walks in,
the camera is shot from the ground,
which makes him look like the threat,
like he's about to beat both his wife
and this strange child.
And it's like, oh, what are you doing?
Oh, you know, nothing just brushing the stranger kids hair in my dead daughter's bedroom
like you do.
But there's a line that the mom says, which is so, so strange, because Punkin says, this
is a beautiful room.
And the mom says, yeah, she'd have loved to have shared it with you.
Would she, would she imagine that the kid was still alive?
And you're like, honey, I found this street urchin.
She's now going to show you all your stuff
from hair on out.
We cool.
Yes.
Why I love to.
So when dad comes in, he's like, honey,
what the, you didn't tell me that you were doing this.
I feel like this is a team effort.
And she's like, okay, no.
And then of all things,
he gets oddly possessive over his dead daughter's teddy bear her teddy bear
He's like that is that you're fucking teddy bear that you're hugging
Kid no, I think no they step outside to have a whisper fight right next to where the kid is so that she could very clearly hear them
Yeah, the traumatized child the hallowey traumatized child. Let's have a very long fight on the stairs next to her.
Right.
And he insists that she not sleep in their dead daughter's room.
And I wrote in my notes, what's gonna happen?
You, oh, I'm sorry, you can't sleep here.
My husband says it's my dead daughter's.
You're on the fucking couch now.
Yes, that's exactly what happened.
They actually put her on the fucking couch.
Well, as they managed to make both of these idiots wrong in this, right?
Because he says like, hey, you know, you should have talked to me before doing this.
And I'm like, by the way, you definitely should have.
But she says, I didn't have time to warn you.
Yeah, I didn't have time. You went to the fucking park.
That's a good one. You know, it's a phone number.
You know where he works. What do you mean you didn't know?
You were sitting like that kid was wet.
She took a bath, you're gonna call him then.
Yeah, and also while you called him to say,
I've abducted this child, you could have mentioned
that the guy keeps trying to kidnap children.
You could have just, it could have been a two
for one scenario.
Yeah, you know, it's like when you adopt a dog,
you wanna start with the good stuff,
but then you wanna let him know that,
okay, it needs a medication every 12 hours.
You should be like, okay, we've got a new daughter.
But downside, she is being hunted very aggressively
by this pedophile time, green.
Yeah.
All right, so yeah, so dad kicks the kid out of the daughter's bedroom
so that he can sit there and have a sad daughter montage
of his own.
Oh, him trying to fake cry.
It's so good.
It's so beautiful because there is this kind of piano, loud piano, dead kid montage, but
then when the piano stops, it's just him crying so, so loud.
The sound levels are so off, it's so loud.
And so you hear him cry for a bit, and then we go back to the crying montage again.
And it's just a really long crying scene. It really is. It's so loud. And so you hear him cry a bit and then we go back to the crying montage again. And it's just a really long crying scene.
It really is.
It's really dark.
It's sort of fuck that is dark.
Yeah.
So okay.
So dad's back at work by which I mean he's in his home office where he cops.
This is 2012.
It's not like a modern move.
Anyway.
So Matt calls him and he says, Hey, man, I found out about that kid you asked me
about turns out her mom was killed two weeks ago.
Two weeks ago.
And there's no father listed on the birth certificate.
And you know, we check for other relatives.
They're all gone.
Basically, she's sleeping.
Nobody coming to look for her.
If you know what I mean, yeah, the tone of voice he has is like, yes,
so the mom's dead, the father's not listed,
grandma's, senile and bed ridden, so she's pretty much
available to drive right off the floor.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I wrote my note, because he says,
she'd be really easy to adopt and I wrote my notes.
Almost too easy if you know what I mean.
I don't know what a weird thing for Max. I want him to do that every time someone calls, right?
Like, hey, have you found the smitherson kid?
Oh, yeah, no, the smithersons kids died, but the parents are still alive.
So very unadoptable, Max, stop telling people how adoptable.
Does he do that all the time?
The guy in charge of runaways is just pimping them out for adoption to his friends.
Like, you know, just spitball in here, but you and your wife could take this trial right
up on the mountains.
All right.
I'm going to go talk to my manager and see what kind of kid financing options I can get
for you, but you are you're breaking my balls here.
You are breaking my balls.
It's got to be quick.
My manager's just about to go on lunch and I don't know that the deal will still be.
So you've got to really go for his.
So yeah, so and then he gets off the phone.
His wife comes in, he tells her all about the scene
that we just fucking watched.
Yeah, my friend Matt Colt, he just offered me a girl.
Yeah, at this point, you can practically see
the wife's eyes ring jackpot like a fucking fruit machine
when he says the kids got no family. Right?
Exactly. Matt called
Finder's Keepers. It turns out Finder's Keepers. Mom might as well answer his question with so
dips. Dips.
Dips. Well, but then he's like, I don't know. I'm not sure if I'm ready for a
replacement daughter. I have to go
take care of something.
So he drives off to like kill a prostitute or something like that.
Everything about the setup for this scene and the way it's filmed says, oh, he's going
off to kill a prostitute.
But no, not, not least that this next scene is him off driving in darkness when the previous
scene was morning.
Yes.
Because they don't he just kind of got up and then is meant cold.
So has he driven all from morning until darkness in this last scene?
Clearly.
Well, it must have taken him a while because he happens upon divine, the homeless lady
that knew punk and his name earlier.
So he must have just checked every single homeless person.
We're everywhere.
He checked all the wears and he's like,
hey, wake up.
Tell me the real dirt about pumpkin.
Like he doesn't want to do a bomb investment.
It's like using your test drive to bring the car
to a mechanic you trust.
Like, come on, tell me am I really getting,
I'm getting a deal on this thing.
How are those breakpads?
It turns out pumpkin's a cutting-shoot job.
She's two of the right roles.
Cut down the middle and welded together.
She's a scratch.
And then yeah, okay.
But Divine says, yeah, no, I knew her.
I'm the one that found her mom dead.
And he's like, is this pertinent to the plot?
She's like, not yet.
No, not for a while.
I don't know why we're introducing it now.
So then Dad goes off to find Tilly. Again, keep in mind, he doesn not for a while. I don't know why we're introducing it now. So then dad goes off to find Tilly.
Again, keep in mind, he doesn't know these people.
He's just going on like his wife's description
of them.
That's a grip point.
He's never met them.
No, he's just been showing up at random homeless teens
and going, Tilly.
Yeah, exactly.
That might be why this scene is shot so weird because it's shot in like extreme
close-up shaky cam for him, just have a conversation like, how are you, Tilly? Yeah, okay, I'm,
I'm Laura's husband. We're saying really extra because he's just been completely strung out,
having spent the best part of 18 hours finding any teenager on the street and having this
conversation with him. And offering them a hotel room. Yeah, well, yeah, exactly.
Well, and here's the most fucked up thing, right?
The scene is taking place.
He's going to offer to take Tilly to this place that helps get homeless teens, you know,
on their feet or whatever.
But she's standing with two other homeless teens that he is not offering that to at the
time.
Oh, brilliant.
Did you guys meet my wives in a meet cute?
No, okay.
Well, I guess I guess you guys are fucked because all of this is weird because he's saying,
you know, Laura, she's, she's helping punking out and she wants to help you out too.
I mean, not by like, you know, taking you in and giving you a room and that kind of
kind of, that's not possible with you.
But then as they're taking Tilly away to there, her other friends, the other homeless friends, kind of look at it in a sort of, oh, you go, you're too good for us now,
kind of right?
Right. Yeah. Go with her. He's got more seats in the car. If this is just a place where
they feed and shelter homeless people, take all of them. That's why that's what I thought
you're, that's one of the things you can do as a police officer here. But no, he just
takes Tilly. So we even have a scene where he drops her off and he's
like, well, there you go. Your homelessness is cured. Now, I guess your character
artist pretty much finished pretty much nailed that. Yeah. Also, right. Another absolutely
psychotic line that he says, he says, you know, you've got a support system in place now.
People who love and care about you. And it's right. By which you mean the crazy grief hallucination
lady that you met at the homeless shelter and her husband that you've known for 20 minutes
and is now trying to convince you he's your support network. This is grooming behavior.
Right. Absolutely grooming behavior. Oh, just so you know, I propose nothing. I'm the only
person you can trust in the world. Jesus Christ. Subscribe to my YouTube channel. It's
actually pretty popular.
So, so he goes home after all of this is done.
And he tells mom and replacement daughter,
they got Tilly into the shelter.
And this is where Punkin starts
knowing way too much about his gun.
Oh, it's amazing.
She goes, that's a Glock 9.
Does it have 15 in the clip?
Oh, I wanted, I needed her to do the way you got to kill every mother fucker in the room
speech from Jackie Brown.
Oh, see, I really wanted her to like be really critical of his gun.
Like she takes it out and she's like, wow, this is badly balanced.
Yeah.
So what I really want to be, because of the amount of gun knowledge that she has, clearly
from hanging around this gun guy, I wanted them to send her back in and decovate to bust
the gang.
Yes.
At the end of the dad's like, I'll tie it up and she just rolls out of a crate with two
AK-47s.
My nickname wasn't pumpkin.
It was pumping.
I would watch that movie every day.
I would watch it every day.
I would be my fucking praying to me.
It's watching the same thing.
But this whole scene again, the fact that her mum died two weeks ago.
They've known her for maybe two days.
He just puts his hand on a shoulder and he's like, you're really casual putting your hand
on the trauma ties child who up until about now couldn't speak due to extreme trauma.
Right. Stop touching
this child. Well, and then as if that's not bad enough, he's like, huh, you know a lot
about these guns. I'm working on big arms. And you know, it's weird to ask you in the middle
of dinner and everything. But would you like to revisit your mom's murder scene and show
me where the guns were? Yeah. Incredible. And the kids like, yeah, no, that sounds great. I would love it. No, thanks, man. Hey, it's fine. He says, it's fine. I'll come with you. I was like, yeah,
you can give me a little tour of where your mother breathed her last breath.
Yeah. Gently run our fingers through the air that she breathed last. That sounds fun.
Huh? Or indeed through the blood stain on the carpet, which they do, which actually happened. Yes.
Instead of thinking that psychotic, Laura is just like, oh, yeah, no worry, honey, if you are
going to go back to the weapons dealer hideout, make sure you take a jacket, you don't want
to get cold, but don't wear it inside or you won't feel the benefits.
Have fun.
So yeah.
So now he takes us little girls to the crevices.
I guess she's his new partner or something.
Oh, it becomes a buddy cop movie from here.
Trauma and Steve, she's got trauma. He's got Steve.
So yeah, but they get to the house and the daughters like, don't worry, I know the code to get in.
And I'm like, wow, most houses would have a key of some sort.
But okay, she knows the code.
And the guns are hidden in the attic of the garage.
Yeah, the garage is typically have atics.
No, okay, not typically.
No, good.
I'm glad you're okay.
I thought that was just me, okay.
No, that could be a thing in the USA, though.
Right?
That is definitely an amen.
Come on, a lot of them have a gun at it.
Actually, it's called a lot more space.
Yeah. That's what we keep on air cable. He's seven hours and six weeks. Yeah, absolutely.
Right. So yeah, so he's like, Oh, I got to go up into the attic. Okay. You stay right here
at this murder scene. I'll be right back. And we're like, really? Yeah. There's no reason
for him to bring her with. She could have just been like, that's the house. That's the
code. And he would have been like, all right the house, that's the code and he would have been like,
all right, let me call some other cops
and we'll all look at the evidence in the daylight.
But no, he's like, right.
Watch my six kid, here's an AK.
If anybody moves, blow him to Jesus.
Yeah, we've gone in the dead of night.
We've taken a traumatized child to the place
where her mom died in the dead of night.
Well, it also, he doesn't turn on any goddamn lights.
No, he's got this little comically small flashlight that he's looking around with or something.
And he doesn't want to scare the guns away.
The goddamn lights.
And I thought this kid is 100% going to be abducted in here because what we've seen about
this kid so far is that she just goes with the first person she meets.
So like Tilly and then she almost went with the the Peele guy and then she went with Laura
and it's just like you just collect her.
It's like a video game.
You're close.
She starts following you around.
Exactly.
And S-square mission.
So and then it pumpkin goes in.
He goes up to the attic and she's like, well, I'm going to obviously leave because this
is a movie and you told me to stay put.
So she goes in with a mom died and they've got the stupid fucking chalk outline trope going.
I like that they tried to do a tasteful body outline, right?
They didn't do like the arms and legs, splaid one from the cartoons.
I want to make it look realistic.
But she goes in there and then they finally give us the full flashback they've been hinting at this whole time. Yeah. And so they commence the
flashback by her touching the outline. And again, it feels just so video game. It's like,
oh, that outline's flashing. If I go interact with it, what will happen? Oh, exactly.
Now she has the super jump. Yeah. Right. Well, not yet. We have to get through the flashback.
You can't pass forward through the discuts scene. Yeah, so mom was, you know, hanging out
climbing one day when bad guy Tom Green showed up
and wanted his fucking guns.
But he didn't have the fucking money,
so they get to an argument and he pushes her.
She bashes her head against the corner and dies.
Yeah, that's what they went with.
Mm-hmm.
I love the idea of single mom arm stealer, right?
Like she's hitting up all her old friends on Facebook.
Hey girl, have you ever considered owning your own business
selling dangerous and illegal machine guns?
I'm having a party and just you and some other girls are invited.
Yeah, wink.
We can try out some automatic weapons, just see how you feel.
So I love to.
So after he pushes her up against the corner and she dies, there's a moment where he's like,
get up Sarah, you ain't hurt that bad.
Come on.
Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, where you fuck?
Come on, don't be like this Sarah.
Sarah, rub some tossing in it, Sarah.
Come on.
But yeah, so but Steve comes in and interrupts the flashback and the little girl goes, my
mommy died and he goes, well, yep, fucking dough, we're at her.
He's surprised, she's upset, but what did you expect?
Oh, so in it, girl, are you upset about seeing the literal outline of your mom's corpse
with her blood still on the carpet?
He's expecting it.
I mean, to be fair, I did say for you to wait at the bottom of the ladder.
So this is kind of on you.
And he said, do you know who did it?
Yeah.
Well, obviously the only bad guy in this move, the one who keeps trying to kidnap her, maybe
right?
Right.
I love that this is when they think to ask.
And she's like, yeah, man, it's the guy whose license plate you're idiot fucking wife didn't bother to get
Ernie.
So all right, well, let's say I'm watching this goddamn thing. We're almost as traumatized as the kid at this point. We need a break
But first, let me give back to the hard so
Will the dad failed to arrest the murderer for a really long time even though he now has a witness to the murder
Do they know about shit like fingerprints? the dad failed to arrest the murderer for a really long time even though he now has a witness to the murder?
Do they know about shit like fingerprints?
Does anybody else feel like we need to check the director's house for spare kids?
By not the answers to some of these questions and more when we return for the magically
delicious conclusion of Elizabeth's gift.
Oh, how about Mr. Mrs. Roberts?
So good to see you.
Hi, Mr. Henderson.
I can't tell you how much I've thought about Elizabeth this past year.
She was a wonderful light to have in my classroom.
She really was.
Well, we would like to introduce you to this little girl.
Oh, and who is this?
This is our daughter.
We adopted her just this year.
Oh, my goodness.
Isn't that wonderful?
What's your name?
Elizabeth?
Oh, my. What a miracle. Oh my goodness, isn't that wonderful? What's your name? Elizabeth? Oh
My what what a miracle the daughter you adopted has the same name as the one you lost. Oh, no, no
We we changed it. My name was Mary Jane, but I'm Elizabeth now
I see so
Do you like to color Elizabeth?
Hmm, I don't know. Do I?
Oh, yes, honey, you love to color.
Yes, I love to color. Mr. Henderson?
Yes.
Do you have pliers?
Um, well, I'm sure I do somewhere.
Uh, why would you like to work on?
I want to pull out my front teeth just like the real Elizabeth.
Oh, that's so sweet.
Yeah, actually, I've got to tell you guys, this sketch was way darker than I was expecting. Okay, well, I didn't write the movie, Marsh. Yeah, that's so sweet. Yeah, I got to tell you, Golly's this sketch was way darker than I was expecting. Okay, well, I didn't write the movie Marsh. Yeah, that's fair
And we're back for still more of this shit
We're gonna open up with Carl suburban having located the bad guy how the hell he did it
We don't we'd never seen him or anything, but yeah, and he's interrogating him down at the station
He doesn't do that part from his home apparently. That's a shit. Yeah, he's giving him a staring contest and he
stairs them for about four seconds before Tom Green is like, I didn't murder a lady while she
was arm's dealing to me. If you're wondering, just do you know? Yeah. He also, it's like the first
line of is like, why don't you take a picture, pig? It's like, well, you've been arrested on
suspicion of manslaughter, attempted kidnapping and arms dealing.
I'm pretty sure they put your picture on fire.
They did get it.
They must have taken a picture.
Yeah, they did get it.
They must have taken a picture.
Well, but they haven't arrested him, right?
Right, because he does have that whole.
Are you going to charge me with something moment, anyone?
Result, well, actually, they don't even get that right.
He says, I want to see my lawyer and they guys like, oh, I guess I have to let you leave
from that.
Yeah.
Oh, that's so good.
That's so good. That's so good.
I mean, he also works out of his home.
It's incredible.
It's like, yeah, because at one point he's saying, you've got nothing on me.
Right.
Well, that's not true because you keep being caught by this police officer's wife,
trying to kidnap a child.
So I think that counts as on you.
Plus you've got a young girl who says, you killed her mum also something on you there. I'm pretty sure you don't get to investigate a crime, by the
way, if you've recently adopted the daughter of the victim. I think that'll be like some
kind of kind of.
Yeah, there should be, if there's not a rule against it, there should be a rule against
it. Yeah.
This is also where the bad guys like, whatever man, I've got three elevisers. And I was
like, nope, three elevisers is not good. You don't want more.
Yeah, I was at work.
I was at home and I was with my wife.
So if you got more than one alibi, you've got no telebias.
That's how I love that.
So yeah, but he says, I got three elevias.
He's like, I haven't even told you the date yet.
He's like, I'm always with the same three guys.
I'm always like the monkeys were the monkeys.
No, I would not the way you would check on that.
Okay, never mind.
So he leaves, then we have to see where Steve and Laura take
pumpkin for a picnic and tell her that she's officially adopted
and proposed to her.
Yeah, exactly.
When is this happened?
Okay, because we just saw Steve at the police station
or in the interrogation room, he's got built in his garage,
one of the two.
And then suddenly he's at this picnic.
We get a jarring coat, we've no idea.
But between the interrogation and now,
they've had time to meet with the lawyer about adopting her.
Yes.
When?
When you've known this child for like three days,
when have you had this meeting?
Right.
Yeah, I guess when he went and saw his lawyer,
then Steve went and saw his lawyer.
Maybe it was the same lawyer.
Yeah, but it was the same.
No, I'll give you a ride.
This is awkward.
It's when you're walking the same direction
as someone to your car after you say goodbye.
It's like, oh, I was.
So awkward, all right.
And this is where the movie goes from bad to so nuts.
Fucking exquisite. My friends, you are denied the great
pleasure, which is watching in Marsh's notes as he actually goes insane as the following
you did.
Oh, this, this scene goes so far off the rails. So first of all, they're saying, but we've,
we've had a meeting about adopting you. And this kid who lost her mum two weeks ago, and
up until like three days ago,
didn't know these strangers I couldn't speak,
is suddenly incredibly excited
about these people being her parents.
She's like, oh yeah, great, I'm gonna be adopted.
And then they ask, what is a normal question
I'm sure in adoption, do you wanna keep your own name?
Why?
And that's a pretty normal question to ask,
because it might be like, you know, you might
want to keep your surname. If you had, oh, that's a name for eight years, you're not
going to, maybe, maybe you're attached to that surname. We're not going to assume you're
going to take our surname. Do you want to keep your own name? But this movie doesn't
know that that's what you're asking when you say, do you want to keep your own name?
So they ask if she wants to change her name from Mary Jane to a new name at the age of eight, which is fucking insane.
A new first name.
And I wrote in my notes, because you know, we were thinking we could like rename you Elizabeth.
And here, hold still while I knock out your front teeth real quick.
And then they suggest calling her Elizabeth.
They still call you Elizabeth after my dead daughter.
Yes.
They name her faith Elizabeth.
They might as well name her Elizabeth too.
Yeah, 2.0. Yeah, right, right, exactly.
Okay. So then we cut over to Tilly. She's, you know, she's,
she's getting her feet under her at the Haven, the homeless place that she's
staying. But like this cup is apparently a time to meet with a lawyer about
adopting, but not had time to try and stop the arm dealer
Slash Madra slash child kid never
Yeah, he shows up actually at the Haven where Tilly is to harass her a little bit try to figure out where the kid is
Because I guess he needs to kill her because she's the witness against him
Right, but there's no reason for these two characters to be providing the information he needs for the next step of the movie.
So he just kind of roasts to his like,
whatever fuck it till he everyone hates you.
You're an under five.
And at that point Laura comes out of the haven
to say like, oh, go shoot, shoot, get away, go on,
go on, shoot, shoot.
Like he's a cat, I keep trying to use the cat flap,
that's not into the house
It's because we know that this bad guy leaves when asked yeah, right when told leave he's like, oh, okay You've used the magic spell to make me go where oh he's like a vampire you have to invite him in as
So okay, and then the bad guy goes to rough up divine the homeless lady that knew
The bad guy goes to rough up divine, the homeless lady that knew pumpkin from before, because he wants to find out where pumpkin is.
He struck out with Tilly and he goes to divine.
But damn it if Steve doesn't show up in precisely that moment and tell him to shoot again.
So much of this film is the bad guy, Paulie, wandering around town asking where pumpkin is,
only for either Steve or Laura to instantly appear and tell
him, do they, like, are they just stalking him?
Because Steve, you're a police officer.
Just arrest this guy.
You're allowed to follow him so much on this guy.
Well, in fact, the movie even has to sort of address that at this point.
He's like, Hey, man, I buy you a fuck around again.
I'm in a restaurant.
He's like, I haven't broken any laws.
I'm like, dude, you were a costing a homeless lady when he drove up.
We've watched you try to kidnap a child three times
and we have a witness that saw you murder someone.
You've broken law.
Not only have you broken laws,
we haven't seen you not break any laws in a single scene.
Yes, yes, to see you do.
A legal thing.
Yeah, it's not one scene where he's just getting like a milkshake from McDonald's or something like that. I've seen a legal thing. Yeah.
It's not one scene where he's just getting like a milkshake from McDonald's or something
to that.
No, no, no, no.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
But it's said Steve just warns him to stay away.
And so, yeah, Steve, that's probably going to work this time because I imagine, because
you know, he's so diligently heated all the previous warnings.
Right.
I'm sure this one is the one.
Yeah.
It starts putting out like Tom Green, Baton, the yard, he's putting little sticks and
no, it's okay.
He's going to bring this back to his nest and that'll kill all the arms dealers.
All right. So that night we get Steve Warren and Laura not to go anywhere at all. If he's not there with them because bad guys trying to kill them and kidnap the kid.
Laura rightfully is like, why haven't you arrested him? And he's like, I need seven, I'm using Bible rules.
I need six eyewitnesses and they all need to be leaveites.
Yeah.
And he's like, oh, no, the case isn't strong enough yet.
Then why don't you work to make the case stronger?
You've made no effort to strengthen the case.
You've just chased him around town saying,
shoe.
Exactly.
Yeah.
This is also where Elizabeth II calls him daddy for the first time.
Yeah.
I wrote my notes, man, she's awful quick to call him daddy.
But then again, girls who had bad childhoods often are.
Oh, okay.
Oh, okay.
I was so fucking proud of that.
I'm making a t-shirt.
I'm making an unsanctioned t-shirt.
It's unofficial puzzle merch.
Go to my personal website and buy it.
No.
And it's so weird he kisses this girl on the heads.
He's kissing an eight year old that he's known for full days.
He was adopted and renamed after his dead daughter
who died six months ago.
Yes.
It's terrifying.
And then we, so then we cut over to the bad guy,
getting a briefing from his underworld intelligence officer
about the best time and place to kidnap the kid.
He's hired a kidnapper.
Because he's so bad at it himself.
And the kidnapper has come up with the most convoluted
ass, rub, goldbergberg fucking kidnapping plan that you
can imagine.
Yes, his plan is let's get this kid where there's the most possible witnesses.
I will sleeping drug her cake.
Then when she goes to the bathroom from the sleeping, you know when you're sleeping, you
go to the bathroom.
When she goes to the bathroom, I'll chloroform the person protecting her and steal the
kid.
It's the perfect crime on a professional kidnaper.
Oh, God, everything about a son's stupid.
But yeah, so yeah, this henchman will kidnap her for Paulie, the bad guy, Tom Green.
I also like that Paulie tries to throw in a free kid at the end of it.
He's like, you can keep the kid too.
And he's like, no, I'm not going to keep the kid.
I will still be a kid and deliver it to you.
We don't do kid disposal.
But now the place that they've chosen to kidnap the kid is the big gala fundraiser for mom's
new charity
foundation.
Yeah.
Right.
So they're getting ready for the big fundraiser.
God, Jesus, it's all so fucking creepy guys from this point out.
Dad has a locket.
He's bought from mom.
No, the kid has a present.
Well, right.
I've got a present for you, mom.
Where did the kid get it?
When did she get it?
Last night, they were worried about letting her even leave the house in case
you got abducted. But now she's engineered a locket. Yes. Yeah. And the locket has a picture of
Elizabeth on one side of it and Elizabeth 2.0 on the other side of it. Yeah. I thought it was
very cool the way that she like exed out the first Elizabeth eyes so she could keep track of which one was dead.
That's a nice touch.
Yeah, it's it's so creepy.
You've got a lockout on the one side.
You got new Elizabeth in this side.
You got Elizabeth classic.
Yeah, absolutely.
Oh god, Dan, look, I wrote my notes at this point.
This movie has a horror film where the director is the villain, right?
Yes.
Most of my notes are just over and over again. It's been a week.
You've known her one week. Her mum been dead of fortnight. You've known her a week.
Right. Yeah, that's mine. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. My notes are it's been two weeks. Her mom died two
weeks ago. And as they leave this scene as well, Ghost Elizabeth has been watching all creepily
in the background. And I thought, if Ghost Elizabeth starts to resent Newell Elizabeth and starts like haunting
until she dies, it's my new favorite film.
Oh, or Ghost Elizabeth like leads them over
to a new kid and they're like,
oh, we were really like a one-fifth child.
Yeah, a fair.
No, no, we get it, Rose Petals,
but we're actually good for right now.
So, thank you, honey.
Maybe go to heaven. So yeah, they
leave. And there's like, it's honestly like again, because this movie doesn't know what
certain shot decisions mean, it's a creepy fucking jump scare that pumpkin was in the room
with them the whole fucking time. So but they leave for the gala, then we get the kidnappers
plotting their getaway. Now, one of the kidnappers is going to pretend to be a waiter slash ballet driver.
Well, he's there.
Yep.
And that's how he's going to get in.
And then I guess PTSD Frank is going to be like, he's serving as the greeter at the big
gala, because you know how rich people love to come to bad parts of town and have smelly
homeless people greet them at the door. They love those stuff. This whole gala is the darkest fucking timeline. They've got
like fucking cardboard cutouts of stars on the walls. There's a sheet cake. The sheet
cake alone is the most tragic thing about this movie and a child's mother dies. And just to say, this is a gala for the Elizabeth S. Prince foundation.
And they had to call it Elizabeth S. Prince foundation.
Did it distinguish from the other daughter they've got called Elizabeth Prince as Elizabeth
F. Prince.
Yes, exactly.
Oh, God, that makes you wonder what happened to Elizabeth A through R, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
We were, there's, there's a prequel that's really terrifying there.
So it's an annual gola.
They go through a kid once a year.
It's a whole thing.
Yeah, but so they're having a big gala.
Lionel is going to give a big speech and remind us what an actor he ate.
Lionel does the greatest good speech from Wall Street.
He kind of does, yeah.
He's like, I know why you're all here because of the fucking movie, but you know what makes
this homeless shelter?
I'm letting you people use work money.
I need money, the green stuff.
I don't care.
Pick a random homeless person and fuck it to death, but I need the money.
I need it now and I need it in cash.
Untraceable.
And while he's doing that, we watch somebody spiking the cake.
Yeah.
The little girl's cake with some drugs.
It is a pile of powder two inches deep by the time he's done with it.
It's amazing.
And I wrote like, oh, I hope it poisoned a kid.
Please poison a kid.
They do poison a kid.
Yep.
And I thought it would be amazing if this kid died.
Because to lose one,
you're all doctor called Elizabeth,
maybe regarded as misfortune,
but to lose two looks like carelessness.
Right.
Absolutely.
Then you're Elizabeth daughter, dead daughter guy, right?
That's it.
Well, here he comes.
Keep your Elizabeths away from this one.
We're just joking.
We're joking.
You know, you know, two Elizabeths.
Come on.
So yes, so Lionel has the floor over to Laura.
Laura goes up to give her speech.
Just then the drugs, I guess, start kicking in for a pumpkin.
They time the fuck out of that cake spike.
I was, because it was a powder, I was really hoping
punk and would just get super coked up,
and stands up on a chair, shut up, shut up, shut up,
shut up, and create a way for a business.
What's happening?
We've got Laura's speech.
And Laura's speech is basically, you know,
when I lost my daughter, I knew I had to find something
to help keep myself busy, which is why I adopted
a new daughter called Elizabeth as a visu.
Yeah.
And more of, by the way, is weepy two words into this speech.
But so now little girl needs to go to the bathroom because she's been drugged.
It's a very, very specific drug that they gave her.
But Steve is like, well, I'm not going to fucking go to the bathroom with you.
I'm watching my wife give a fucking speech.
You go with this rando.
And aren't they, okay, maybe this is just me.
And I don't want to pull a full on Heath here.
Is the rando, she goes into the bathroom with the mom
that took her to the fair where the other daughter died.
I think so.
No, no, it's the sister from that one scene for a split second
that we saw.
Yeah.
I thought it was the other woman, and if it was, it would have been great, because that would
have been the second daughter she lost.
I, guys, you gotta stop trusting me with your fucking hand.
This one is on me, right?
This one.
Booby once, yeah, it's a close up.
Yeah.
So punk can go us back to the the bathroom and the kidnapper guy knocks
out and whatever with some chloroform and grabs the kid. Nobody notices a man walking out
with a kid slapped over his fucking shoulder from this scale. Could not care less. Oh my
god. Okay. So, but then Laura gets done with speech now. You would
think that maybe like chloroforming a lady and kidnapping the kid would be the worst thing
we'd have to watch during this scene. But no, PTSD Frank has a poem he'd like to read to
us. Oh my God. I really wish he'd written it in his own excrement. We don't know that
he did. Okay. No, it's not a good pull. It is like shitty hallmark levels of rhyme.
And I wrote, I wanted to claw my whole brain out during the, the reen of this book. He
rhymes heart with start. Yeah. He rhymes love with above. Like kill me now. I wish I was the
one eating that poison cake. It's, it's so important that Frank's poem was captured on film
because on a pretty regular basis,
the three of us are put in scenarios where we have to keep a straight face while someone reads
this level of poem. And I just needed the world to share our pain. If you watch this along
with us, you know what it's like whenever Atheist died and we have to do a memorial.
All right, so, but yeah, so, but now Steve is starting to get suspicious about the fact that his replacement
daughter has taken like an Eli length shit.
So he gets something to check on things, right?
Pumpkin, are you doing like a super big diarrhea because that wasn't on the user agreement.
They've been less than 48 hours.
We can return you.
That's lemon laws and Peter Singer. They both say We can return you. That's lemon laws and Peter Singer.
They both say we can return you.
It's fine.
As long as you're not taking the tag off or removed that like protective screen that she
has.
Right.
You can still return.
So yeah, so he breaks into the bathroom and he finds the ant or chloroform.
He's like, don't worry, it's chloroform.
She'll be fine.
I'm like, that's not how chloroform works.
But okay.
How many humans, the answer's not zero. How many humans have died of chloroform
boasting because someone was like, it'll be so funny. We'll knock it out. Yeah, right,
right. Yeah. It's a non zero number. And he's like, Oh, the daughter's been kidnapped.
I've got to go find her and Laura's like, let me come with you. He's like, no, I'm, I
feel like I'm the action hero guy. I feel like you stay here and I do the finale on my own.
Am I wrong?
No, no, while you go, I'll explain to people that you're a cop.
Yeah.
Well, and then, okay, so then he dries off and it's just like, and what?
Right, you're going to look into other windows of other cars to see if you see your daughter
on the road somewhere.
Well, he calls in, he finds the police to file
her as missing person and says that his daughter is
approximately full, full, full.
Yeah.
A prock is you, it's meant to be a daughter
and you're a prock like I suspect Eli can tell you
his son's height to the nearest millimeter
without understanding the metric system.
So this kid decides that not all.
Also, a prock, he thinks maybe she grew a few inches in between the game. meter without understanding the metric system. This kid does not also a proxy. He thinks
maybe she grew a few inches.
Right.
Maybe yeah, exactly. But just then ghost Elizabeth shows up and says, you know, I will take
you not to her, but I'll get you to step one of the quest. It's ridiculous. Don't take
her to somebody who might possibly know something,
but might not take us, if this is a ghost,
take us straight to, take the dad's straight to the daughter.
Straight immediately.
This is the ghost daughter not wanting him to find the new one.
Yeah, you're right.
You're right.
Exactly.
She's like, you gave away my room awful quick.
I'm gonna take you to the homeless people.
I'm gonna take you to the homeless people.
I'm gonna take you to the homeless people.
I'm gonna take you to the homeless people.
I'm gonna take you to the homeless people. I'm gonna take you to the homeless people. I'm gonna take you to the homeless people. I'm gonna take to get it almost. Eddie bear. I have a sister. Jesus. I love that bear.
This is also the best, worst special effects in the movie. So he sees her and they try to
do the hand pass through everything, but they can't do that because their trial expired
of after effects.
Yeah.
So the actor just waves his hand near the whole thing.
Yeah.
Oh, that's all in front of the whole way. We're exactly. But just as he reaches
for us, she disappears again. And it turns out that the daughter has guided him to divine
the homeless lady that he taught to for no reason earlier. Yes. And divine has the information,
not one, but two locations where she might be. And the way he convinces her to help him
is he's like, come on. I don't want to be the two dead daughters guy. People daughters die all that, but nobody wants
to be like, all right, this is something you're doing. You know, I said, come on. So, all
right. So, and then we have this weird, what the fuck is it even doing here? Seeing even
for this movie where the cop questions the fake waiter kidnap her guy and he plays him like a strativarius.
This is the weirdest scene for so many reasons.
First of all, he gives the craziest fake name, Gil Gentizen.
Hello.
Sorry, did you work here?
My name is Frank Herbertson.
I worked here for six years.
My favorite color is blue.
He gives us so much information.
Truly, the only reason this is here is because we're about to have a montage of cops
being terrible at their jobs.
And this is the first one.
I guess.
Yeah.
Well, and then this guy wanders off after being questioned by the cops and immediately
Paulie, the bit of Tom Green calls him screaming, where's my kidnap girl already?
And then he says, and this is bizarre.
He goes, I told you never to call me at this number.
I'm like, then why did you give him that number?
Why does he have it?
Then this number was for non-emergencies only,
you know, like to talk through the latest episodes
of Big Bang Theory.
So meanwhile, we cut back to divine and Steve.
And she's like, yep, this is one of Paulie's hangouts,
doesn't look like he's here. And he's like, should we go to the other one? She's like, yeah, this is one of Paul's hangouts. Doesn't look like he's here.
And he's like, should we go to the other one?
She's like, yeah, he's like, then why would we have this scene?
Why would this scene be here?
What makes it?
They have the scene so he can threaten that if she doesn't help him more, he'll arrest
her for arm's dealing.
But that's a bit of an empty threat given that he's completely failed to arrest the actual
arm's dealing for arm's dealing, despite the outside evidence he's arm's dealing.
Yeah, and murdering and kidnapping.
Yeah.
And it's what, where divine also says about that location
that she used to make deliveries behind the dumpster,
which is 100% of you from his of the sex work.
Okay, yeah, for sure.
That makes sense.
I love the idea that the world this movie is created
is that someone was like,
what's the best way to get my boxes of AK-47s homeless
lady shopping cart? No
one looks twice of those. Right. Yeah, exactly. So, okay. So then we get the scene where
the kidnapper arrives with with pumpkin and Tom Green has to be like, you know, so how
much to just, and he's like, no, dude, I don't kill you. You know, you got to schedule that
ahead of time. That's a whole they said a different guy.
Have you ever seen the first,
the opening scene of transporter?
It's like that.
It's just doesn't fucks the whole thing up.
The weight is different.
Yeah.
And then the professional kidnappers just drive off
and they get away with it entirely.
The only people who have successfully kidnapped a child
in this entire film,
despite multiple attempts,
they just get away with it.
It's fine.
We never see them again. Him and Gil Jenison just go on to live their fucking
kidnapping lives. You're right. So, all right. But then divine and Steve show up at that
place, right, at that warehouse where he just dropped them off. Yeah. Three. It's 1300
south 300 west, which didn't sound like an address. It sounds like it's grid coordinates.
It's an American address.
Nope.
Sure the fuck isn't.
They don't know how addresses work apparently.
Also like, they don't know how, so Steve had the kidnappers bring the girl that he wanted
to murder to his warehouse that people know about an associate.
Why, did they not have back fucking roads in this goddamn town?
Did they not have like a goddamn field somewhere?
Anyway, so but dad goes into the warehouse
and he's doing the full like support the gun hand
with the flashlight thing.
So he's full cop at this point.
Oh yeah.
Bad guy hears him come in though,
so it's time for a great dig awesome fight that we can't see because it's filmed in the dark
You can tell what they're going for by the sound effects at least I think they probably shot this in the light and they were like, you know what?
It is nighttime
I like to think that they shot this scene like 15 times and each cup they just removed
another light bulb to see if they could get away.
No, we can come in a little bit darker.
We can do it this time.
So, yeah.
So, but despite ends with Steve choking out Tom Green, but like it took me so long to
figure because they look kind of similar to begin with anyway and it's so dark. I had no idea who's choking out who what I'm supposed to be rooting for.
It's also that movie version of choking out where like you get your arm around the person's
neck and they instantly fall asleep.
Yeah.
Yes, yes it is.
But it's also it's strange what happens here as well because like the dad Steve wins
the fight and so the bad guy gets unconscious
than the dad immediately stands up and walks away from him leaving the gun there with
the bad guy who gone trying to find the kid.
He said, why does he constantly let Paulie go?
Is it like Steve is Batman and Paulie is the Joker?
Is that well, I'm pretty sure you've been released again, O.D.
Well, right because the little girl is not in danger now that fucking Paulie is
choked out. Yeah. And none of this makes sense because the dad hears the daughter shouting,
not the daughter, the girl, not a daughter, because they're not related at all. But like,
he hears her shouting. So he immediately gets up and leaves Paulie there. Paulie instantly
wakes up. So was he faking sleepiness? I'm not sure. But
then Paulie gets to the girl first. How did he get to which route did the cop take that
he managed to get there slower than the bad guy who was apparently unconscious when he's
when he left him? Right. You've got you have to assume it's a labyrinth that only Tom
Green knows his way through or something. Otherwise it makes no goddamn sense. Yeah.
But yeah. So he gets to the daughter.
Tom Green's already there. He's got a gun to her head and he's like, all right, I have
to kill your daughter now. Set down your gun and turn around and get on your knees.
And he does. He does. This is a trope I have never understood. And it's in every movie.
It's like, all right, we both have guns. Well, I want you not to have a gun. I can see how that'll work out well for me.
But yeah, but so he does exactly as he's told, I guess maybe in this movie, you just have
to do whatever anybody tells you to do.
Yes.
Makes sense because the universe doesn't have paperwork. So everyone just has to listen to
everyone.
Right.
Yeah, exactly. That makes so much sense. The little girl goes with anybody who says come with me.
Right.
That's Paulie, whether it's Tilly, whether it's this lady, she says she gets adopted because
they say you're adopted now. This cop does what he's told. Paulie constantly, that's
it. That's you explained it all completely.
Yeah. They don't have the power to not do the thing. They were told to do. So yeah, but then before Paulie can kill Elizabeth
2.0, divine gets to drop on him. Yep. Remember the homeless lady that brought him there?
Yeah. She shows up in Knoxam out. She turns out to have been the hero the whole time.
Would have been funny if she hit him with the shopping cart. Like, from the top or rolls up their poles of gun out of it.
Ah, she doesn't drive by shooting in the shopping car.
Yeah, but it turns out that dead daughter goes
Lord divine in there because she knew that dad was going to need a little help,
which means that like Elizabeth 1.0 just was like,
did you
honestly just set down your fucking gun and turn around when he told you what the fuck
was wrong with you?
People, I got to go get divine now.
I really wanted a shot of Elizabeth behind his back, like miming like, hit him in the
head.
You owe me.
You know, this is where the rest of the police turn up as well.
And I just wanted all the cops to get them be like, ah, we've got nothing on them.
We've got nothing on them.
Yeah, but he gets a little bit to a point.
Oh, he brings you back to the gala, which is apparently where Laura has stayed this entire
time.
Right.
Did everyone see the really weird choice that the dad made here?
Because he walks in with the daughter behind
him so that no one can see her. So that's a dick move. I just went to rest with a girl and I've
come back, oh, I don't have the girl. Did they plan that? I'm going to try and hold it with
that, hey, when we get home, like I'm going to see my wife, when we're going to get a little
little joke, right? You hide behind and I'll make her worry that she's lost another little girl.
Well, and the only thing less appropriate than that joke is that Lionel now chimes in apropos of truly nothing he goes
On the bright side we raised a lot of money, huh?
Yes, yeah, he might as well say, hey, you know, when they thought that you'd lost a second kid
They truly just open their fucking wall.
That's a push your fake this next year.
It's fine.
The kid nothing to attempt to mud out.
We've actually had a good ponty.
As you went to it, let's look on the bright side as well.
Glass could be half full.
I hate to be the guy who says this, but this was a great night.
And then, okay.
So now we're going to cut to the wrap up sequence where Newell Elizabeth
is reading all Elizabeth's favorite angel book and it turns out it's her favorite book
too.
Yeah.
And like, at least this Elizabeth can read it herself, which is an upgrade on the previous
one.
True.
So that's something that they're at least there as they change out Elizabeth, they're
upgrading.
So that's that's hand.
Yeah. Elizabeth gave me the greatest gift of all, Laura says, they're upgrading. So that's that's how the Elizabeth gave me
the greatest gift of all, Laura says, an upgrading daughter.
Right.
Well, yeah, she says in death, Elizabeth gave me
the greatest gift of all, a reason to love again.
And I'm like, but you had a reason to love when she was alive.
Right.
So so with the silver lining of her death was the fact
that you got over her death.
What are you trying to do?
It's like when you lose a pet, like everyone says you got to get a new one right away,
even though you don't want to, I guess I get it.
Okay, yeah, no, that's fair.
That's fair.
All right, and that's it.
Well, dad sees that daughter.
He gets his own visitation right at the end there.
So yeah, so apparently the message, the moral of this story is nearly as I could tell was, um,
you're allowed to just keep them, right? Yep, yeah, Dibs. All right.
Please don't take legal advice from a podcast. All right. Well, I guess that's gonna do it for our review of Elizabeth Skip,
but that's not gonna do it for the episode just yet because we still need to lure you back in. So Eli, tell us what's on deck.
Mormon Movie Month! Oh, finally! your back in so Eli tell us what's on deck. Mormon movie month.
Oh, finally.
Yeah, that's right.
We'll once again be plumbing the cinematic selections of the Salt Lake.
We've got missionary movies.
We got Mormon history lies and we've got a cowboy murder mystery with Wilford fucking
brimling.
Oh, shit.
But we're going to start it off right next week with the Mormon pseudo historical epic,
the work and the glory with Bryce block
a block a block and the incredibly funny Shannon Grover.
Oh, fuck yeah.
All right.
So with that little forward to, we're going to bring episode three, 15 to a merciful close.
Once again, a huge thanks to Mars for helping us out today.
If you want to check out more of his work, be sure to check the show notes and then perhaps
even huge or thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go.
If you'd like to catch up with them, they're ready.
She can make a pre episode donation at patreon.com.
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to care of our social media, our themes will be in the performance of our live- adopting 8-year-olds in packs of 6.
The ghost of Elizabeth saw Steve do its weird shit to her mom.
After Laura was tragically killed in a ballastong accident, Steve got a new wife who was 10 years
younger and he named that wife, Laura. All right, am I the mum here?
Yes.
Okay.
So my legend of voice acting, which is, it's always right.
So well on this show.
Tootly to give the people what they want.
You're a Midwestern woman.
You can do it, Marshall.
Okay.
Hint of a Southern actor.
You tried to get rid of the public.
You went to college at a Southern state.
I...
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