God Awful Movies - 37: GAM037 Vultures of Horror

Episode Date: May 3, 2016

This week, we watched a Nigerian Christian demon bird cult classic.  Yup. ---   Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page.

Un chapuzón, con el hábito, tu serie favorita y en medio de tu siesta. ¡Ey! ¿Has visto esta? No sabes la de planazos que hay este verano en Guésville Parkesur. Con ciertas obsesiones con DJs, clases de yoga, talleres con martes y actividades con niños, te apuntas. Un sueño de verano, bailo es sin parkesur. evil dad is very mad that the lady next to his wife shop is doing well and doesn't understand why she doesn't just use evil vulture magic to take care of it right and they talk about voodoo curses like they're the pta she's like I just wanted to let you know that I'm gonna curse that lady with the vultures of heart he's like yeah do what he want to do and it's like well I just wanted to talk about it and I wanted to know how you felt why I'm gonna curse that lady with the vultures of horror. And he's like, yeah, do what he wanna do. And he's like, well, I just wanted to talk about it.

And I wanted to know how you felt. Well, I feel fine. All right, fine. Good. I will curse her with the vultures of horror. Ha ha ha. MOBI! MOBI! Welcome back to the Gamcast where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because we like it when it hurts a little. I'm your host No Illusions and sitting to my immediate left is my good friend Heath and right Heath. Welcome back. Thank you Noah.

And sitting 989 miles to my right is my bad friend, Eli Bosnick, Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? Confused. Very confused. I don't know what I saw. I think I saw an Igerian family's home movies. What did you guys watch? Well, I don't know. Tell us, Heath. What did we watch? Okay, we watched Vultures of Horror, which is a movie about some Nigerian people

who probably have names, and they're demonic bird cult. I don't know what else to say here. I think we're all a little bit confused by this. Just a quick thing before we start though, I'm looking ahead and Eli's got a lot of notes about how Idris Elba played like 15 different roles in this. Yeah, but no, it's a little odd. Diverrin, I'm kind of on the fence. I just want to establish her starting point.

He did like an anti-merfy thing. Yeah, I was just a cross. That's what I assumed. God, okay. And Eli, how bad was this movie? This is the worst made movie we've watched. Oh yes. This is worse than International Carole J.

Worst than Miracle Man. Worst than Miracle Man. It is maybe the craziest thing that anyone's ever put on film on purpose that I've ever seen. It's certainly that for me. You've seen some really fucked up videos if this didn't automatically make the top of your list. When I'm logged into Tor, it just auto fills all the things in. So like I understand

most people haven't seen what I've seen, but that is very different than what I saw this week. Holy shit, remind me, who recommended this one to us. It was on Twitter. What it? This was at res Okay, see okay, Ari Z Sanders all right. All right at res Okay, see we should never not be teabagging you dude Honestly, this was the greatest it was a three of us we could work in shit In fact if you're listening just put your earbuds on your balls, and I will hum Yeah

Because you have earned it sir. There are six of these. This is so great. I am so fucking happy I know now that whenever I am in the doldrums of depression If I have a death in the family or something like that I'll be like guys I think we need to bust out another episode of Vulture so far Vultures of War 3 three guys. Come on. No one's had a rough week.

I need it. Oh, this was so funny. I had the risk of ruining my marriage less than a year from our 20th anniversary. I'm gonna go ahead and say that this movie is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Yeah, I mean, look, if Lucinda can't support you in something this wonderful, you know, maybe the relationship just wasn't meant to work. There is no element of filmmaking that didn't earn a note in here. So I got acting, I got writing, directing, camera work, lighting, props, wardrobe, set,

decoration, special effects, music, editing. But of course, one out of every three notes I have is on the audio. Yeah. Oh my holy fuck at the audio. if you watch these movies along with us the best Thing I could ever do for you as a human being is tell you do not watch this movie with headphones I ripped my headphones out of the ear going out fuck out out like Ten times during the course of this movie because they're like it turns into like I would go And you're like oh, what are they saying? You turn it up, and then the next sentence is like,

before, go, go, go, go, and you're just like, oh, I still can't understand. It's a fucking nightmare. You could literally deep throat a fucking microphone and get less interference in clipping.

I think this is what they played for people at Abu Ghraib. I know they say it was rock music or white noise, but I think you'd get answers a lot here with them. Alright, well clearly we've got a lot to discuss. Today's a really pause for a quick break. When we come back, we'll break down the craziest thing to pass for entertainment since the reign of comedists,

Vultures of Horror. So he's, I think one of the hardest things for us is going to be trying to convey on this week show how impossible for listening this movie really is. Yeah, I mean characters don't really get introduced to anything. They script also particularly inside has moments wearing his largest of camouflage. Well hello there. I'm the king. So he's, I think we're the hardest things for us. It's going to be trying to convey on this week's show

no impossible for listening this movie. Come on now! Get off the movies! Go on movies! And we're back for the breakdown and I'm just gonna go ahead and spill the beans right here. The logo is the last time this movie will ever be sane. Wheel it! Wheel it because it's very clearly... Look, there's a commercial on Facebook right now that for Fiverr, that's like, I'll give you a

shiny logo and that's exactly what this is someone went on Fiverr from this company and was like shine up our logo because this is exactly what it is so it it starts the least crazy it will be is this but it starts terrifyingly crazy well even the logo even when the logo is coming into focus there are bizarre cuts like within the logo you're cutting to the last two letters and then you suddenly cut to the first two letters for no fucking reason so yeah and at the very very first note I've got on my shit here is it I'm 46 seconds in and it's already crazy and 33 seconds of those were logo yeah I wrote the preview for this movie is the movie. Yes, yes. We get it. We start the movie with a preview for the movie that we're about

to watch. It's kind of like a like a medicurt camera thing. It's amazing. Yeah, and but this one succeeds. And the preview for this movie consists of cartoon skeletons, after effects fire, a fire breathing eagle. Yeah, oh yeah. They're vultures, sorry. Yeah, another vulture with lasers, with lasers. And that is it. No, no, it really is. So, gonna point this out.

My first handful of notes on this movie are skeleton rolling around in a puddle yeah woman with a flaming skull face yeah it's just like a total normal situation she's like in the office making copies flaming skull face also exploding skeleton in a bed and of course the fire reading vultures yeah yeah yeah and that's how they start yeah You get all of that in the first minute. And I got to say, the one good thing about this thing, I could beat off to that VO guy reading a menu. Oh, holy shit, what a sexy African voice we start on. He basically starts off going like,

we live in turbulent times today. I should try not to do the voices, because it's just, no, it's not gonna be horribly racist to me. No, non-racist way to talk about the way the people in this movie talk. No. No way for three white guys who do a podcast about this movie not to be racist. Because at some point we're going to have to address the fact that

I spent 90% of this movie going, what is the first language of Nigeria? It's English. It's Nigerian language? I feel like if I Google I'm bad. I should know. And then they say they're money at one point and I swear they're money's called like a gonna dollar or something. It sounded like just monopoly money.

They're just like, oh, I only made three dollar dollars today There's so many moments throughout this where I was just deeply conflicted being like what if I went insane and now I'm like just watching Donald Trump too many times and now this is what I hear when black people talk Oh, my character has taken over was taken over. Oh, so amidst this vio we learn that we're living in turbulent times today and that we're going to learn the story today of evil witch man. No one in this movie will ever get a name. No, it was there ever a character that had it.

Okay, so I'm going with evil witch man for the bald guy. Does anyone else have any name that they'd like to? Pedro Serrano. Major League. That guy. that that that's the guy that's the guy oh god i love this so much uh... alright so we've been to jump our crazy preview and then we cut to okay i want to give you a quick idea of the camera work reading it here first shot we see two balloons in a close-up and then we start to back away and

then we stop and then the director says No, no, no more and then we back up a little bit more and then we stop again the director says like no all the way all the way all the way So finally we back all the way off of these balloons Yeah, and so then we get I would say a solid four minutes of people just Walking through the shot very purposefully not looking at the camera which I can only assume the people walking through the shot thought was magic. They walk through the shot and then finally a child goes and by the way these balloons are the saddest looking they are not night they're on the ground they don't have strings on them

they're obviously just filled with air they're partially deflated like the guy who does all the special effects for Christian movies Flew all the way to Africa to inflate Brian do you want to inflate these all the way fuck you? So they're just two Saga sad balloons in the corner, but for some reason this child is just drawn to them He reaches down and touch them and then we get a BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO him, he reaches down and touch them and then we get a bull noise and he shrinks. Yeah, everyone runs away. Yes, that's exactly what we're and I want to just point out again that before that happens

while we're looking at that people infinitely running through the walking through the scene shot, the shot cuts to itself and fucks that up. Yeah, it's dead. Like, like, like, we're cutting from what we're watching, to what we're watching from the same place, but they still somehow fucked that up. We spend forever watching the people walk all the way through the frame, so long,

and then they cut back to the same shot, and they move the camera. Slate. Yeah. Yes. That's a waste. Fucking hilarious. So yeah, kid touches a balloon and he shrinks and all the other kids run away.

And then a magical grown-up appears picks up a rock and night crawlers away again. Yeah. This character is going to come back later because he is one of the bad guy witch doctor, guy from Wild Things or Major League. He's one of his sons guy witch doctor guy from wild things or major league he's one of his son so I've called him in my notes starvin Marvin because he just looks like grown up starvin Marvin okay all right yeah exactly he looks like one of the grays made it with Beyonce and basically got that perfectly pyramid shaped face so by the way did he just trapped the kid in a rock is that what's i think i think so yes i think this might be the first christian movie to

finally make ghost busters trap work correctly but on his face or anything good the sucks of into it yeah like it really works so that's how we start this movie we watch for eleven minutes we watch people walk by a still camera and eventually a little kid disappears and then we cut to Washington DC productions which is an awesome name for a night in the cherry and film studio right and these credits look like they're for a soft core porn that takes place

in hell yes my music notice just push the same button again my music note here is computers don't understand music, or do they? Because it's literally for the entire credits, which again are just like, they look like the opening credits of Lucifer on the CW. It's just, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom,

I was like, oh man, they fucking left the sound check in. That's weird. I wrote, just blow on it through your shirt, and then reset with an extra cartridge on top. Start with it. It's like eight-bit O'Guyver music. Just skipping and skipping and skipping. Oh my God.

But the music gets a lot better. Oh, yes, boy, doesn't it. And then we cut to Evil Witch Man from before, and he's walking with a group of his disciples to do an elaborate chicken disappear. Okay, now, this is just a pet peeve of mine. Like, I'm a juggler. When I see in movies, I see more and more often

that they CGI in the person juggling. So when I saw this, I wanted to ask you, like, how hard would it be to teach that guy to properly disappear a chicken without CGI? That guy had a disappear chicken physically in pop. A normal person, very easy. Did he not, did he not disappear the chicken? I thought he, it seemed, looks pretty solid.

It's pretty solid. So wait, he comes out, he's got a Halloween adventure pumpkin full of CGI fire. Yes. Which he just hands to a lady. He's just like here holding my fire real quick. I got it. Then he takes out what is hold my fire real quick. I got it. He takes out what is Very clearly a real chicken. Oh, yes a very clearly real dead chicken points the chicken to the left

Points the chicken at the camera Breaking the fourth wall the worst breaking of the fourth wall in the history of cinema Just like you want some chicken? Literally, I was like, no thanks. I was watching it and I was like, no, then I'm good. He then just like waves the chicken. There's a laser noise like, boom! The chicken vanishes.

It is, listen, I don't know about you guys, but when I got my first, when my family got the first video camera, I made like special effects movies where everyone held still and then one person ran away. And you pressed play again and you were like, whoo, the magic of theater. That I, nine year old Eli had something to teach the people who made this movie. Well, I can say that nine year old Noah could have taught him a little something about how to work that keyboard. My music note was what happens if you just hold down the ambience key?

Look, Ma, I got a Casio. By the way, after they disappear the chicken, I made a prediction, actually. There's going to be a field of chickens, hats, and orphanages the same way. I can imagine. I can imagine. I love it. It's going to be awesome. And again, they are speaking English, but it's like a pigeon form of English

that's, you know, whatever. It's not exactly the English that we're used to, and I'm catching about nine out of ten words. So it seems like you understand what he's saying, but then you're like, wait, did he just tell God he needed a bath? I don't think he did. Okay, maybe I'm overestimating how much I'm here. The only words I got from this scene is three mysterious servants.

That's what I got from this scene is three mysterious servants. That's what I got. I got three mysterious servants and then people bowed to the Halloween adventure. Jack Lentern filled with CGI and it was over. Well, also I love it the very end. They have to like, so apparently these guys are like, you know, whatever, worshipping the vultures of horror. And at the end, the main witch guy says, you know, may the gods of the sacred vultures and the vulture of horror be praised. And then everybody has to say that in unison, but it's too long and they're all forgetting it.

So there's a whole bunch of like, and let them, hmm, hmm, hmm, be praised. I'm going fine, go. Peace and carrots, peace and care. And because we hadn't been completely insane in seconds on end at this point, we cut to the which dude again now, except, except he's holding his own head in his hand and there's a spout of fake ass looking fire shooting out of his hollow,

knocking crazy. He looks like he was just the victim of a fatality and mortal combat and nobody's told him that. Again, no man, Scorpion got you. Like, you know, Tisboon Scratch. Well, he's what we're standing in front of those plywood photo-op things with the face holes and, right?

It would look more realistic if they had done that because then later the smoke wouldn't going behind the head the head. Yeah and the CGI request here was clearly um you know how our necks are made of serloin steak so if you cut if you cut them right they'll look like you're looking down on a grill. I love to as bad as this is that during this scene they actually give you a close-up of the flaming neck hole they want you to know they They did all the work there. So I wrote my notes. I'm just really glad they didn't cut someone's head off.

Or I have this movie. And by the way, if you're wondering, why is head is cut off and if we're ever gonna find out? No, we are not. Nope. That's just the thing that happens in this scene. That's just the thing that we never talk about it again. Nope, it's just, yeah, exactly. No, we're even acknowledges it in this scene. That's just that we never talk about it again. Nope, it's just yeah, exactly. No, it even acknowledges it in the scene. No one's like, Oh my

fucking god, you're in. It's like a sub-steve. It's one of the more reasonable things that happens in this scene, actually, as it turns out. Through that. So, yeah, so apparently they're they're appeasing the vulture spirit. This is essentially the same scene we got last time only with that head holding. And so they have to make a human sacrifice to the vultures so Starvin Marvin senior Waves is magic wand and the little kid from before appears the kid that got the balloons It from the trip to go spusters trap. That's the kid and then he

Turns into a cartoon skeleton, which then turns into ash, which then jumps into their little laundry basket, and it was fucking spectacular. Yes, and at this point I had in my notes, our review is just going to be the things that happen in this movie. Really?

Really? This is the lowest budget thing I've ever seen and I've seen free things Somehow this is a lower budget than like a forest Oh my god, so now they've created a human sacrifice so the floating skull of death could appear And I swear I felt like I should click on this goddamn thing Yeah, it's the skeleton head from heroes of Mike. I was like, oh, I have a I have a push notification And it just spins 360 degrees through the entire rest of the scene And it basically instructs them from this moment. This is what I heard from this moment onwards

You are to perpetuate all evil on humanity, all manner of atrocities without the word is mercy, but they say messy. And I spent about 25 minutes going, without messy, like they have to do it clean, like, okay guys, but wash off after yourselves, right? The soccer player, yeah exactly. guys, but wash off after yourselves, right? The soccer player.

Exactly. Yeah, and so the skull tells them that they need to murder people once a month to appease the vultures and perpetrate all evil on humanity and all manner of atrocity. And then I noticed that we all have this on our notes too. At the end, he said it shall be... Gradious? Yeah, gradient. Well, before we get to that, he says,

all manner of atrocities without messy. Then he goes, also, this is a spinning skull god goes, oh, also, make sure you do it on Saturday. Finally, like he's like conducting a meeting, like I wanted him to ask if there was any new business. Also, the spinning skull guy this is the only time in the movie that somebody's head turning doesn't completely fuck up the audio In this scene to the audio just like cuts out and then cuts back in like no I was like a Doppler effect good people just drive to the audio just like cuts out and then cuts back in like no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no was provided by aluminum foil. In Saint, he is wearing a any Murphy from Raw would have been like tone it down, man.

It is the craziest and he never not doesn't wear a crazy outfit in this movie, by the way. No, I also want to point out that during this scene there are more credits and what seems to be a phone number on the bottom of the screen. Was that so I could call and tell him how bad he fucked up the lighting or something? Hey, dude, she's completely in shadow. Yeah, shadows all over her face. I don't know what the fuck you were thinking. Despite a silver suit, it has a lot of light.

That looks like you just got back from his long program for the Nigerian figure skating tryouts. Right. Iticulous. So yes, we've got this the credits go we've got the family getting all family ready and everything and then we cut to dad at the office and Honestly, this is it's so difficult to keep track of who's who in this movie because every time you see them they're wearing something different Yeah, he's he's wearing a black suit now at the office. Yeah, which means he wears a silver suit to drive to work. Just to drive. He switches out of the silver suit. Yeah. Shows up in a rocket ship. Oh, I have no fucking ideas. Of course, and once we get to the office,

my music notice 80s softcore. That's basically my new music note from from here on out. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. Well, with one major and phenomenal. Oh, yeah. Yeah. However, this doesn't stop the credits from rolling where people are listed as sound man and light man. And then there's light man number two. You, if you are wondering why the sound in light for this movie is so incredibly fucking terrible, it's probably because they didn't hire a sound engineer or a lighting engineer, they just hired a

sound man and a light man. And I don't know if you noticed this Eli, but those two people were the same guy. Oh, it was the same name, yeah. So. Oh, that's the most beautiful. It was the same name, yeah. So, I'll never be able to think about anything else, sound man. Oh, so, okay, so now here's the scene work. Okay, this is so bizarre because nothing about this scene ever comes back.

Like every other scene in this movie, nothing about this scene will ever come back. But we've got data at work and it's just supposed to be you know the guy is at work but we had it with this long him chewing a secretary out scene and then this long and then ray comes in and they talk about a government project again none of this matters to the movie we just ever come back no we just need to spend seven and a half minutes with them clearly reading their lines off of the papers that they're holding.

Yes. And this is, this is porn actors would have been like, oh no, we need another take for the level of acting this is. There's a lot of like, so you are my secretary and it's important that, and I'm like, guys, second take, how much film film did they there was just one VHS Handed around Nigeria this week and this was your guys this week There were no Second takes Ed Wood would have gone through this move is okay guys. We got to read this one

I got the one gigabyte plan and they were not going on On their data Yeah, and I'm writing down notes, too. This is so stupid. I'm writing down notes going like, okay, so apparently they've got a government contract and Ray is the one whose job it is, oh, and the secretary, none of this fucking matters. But I'm writing it down furiously like, okay, I'm going to need to know this shit. Ray might be the only guy with a name, actually.

Oh, good call. One of the few. Yeah, and we only see him in this. And he does not matter. Yeah. Yeah. And then we cut to that lady from earlier, the mom lady, helping kids with the homework.

She's in a different outfit too now than the last time we saw her. So. Oh, I could listen to this dumb lady whisper math words for these ladies. Oh my God. Well, I'm glad you could listen to that for you. Oh my god. Oh, well I'm glad you could listen to that for hours because indeed we do. Because in movies made for people, by people, people go,

all right, tell me let me help you. Subtract that and add that. Thanks mom and then the action of the scene takes place. You get, I would say, and this is just my estimate 875 Of her going no did it nominate Much times to carry it no up to the right I was just like she's just doing their homework for them We're just watching someone do that your children's homework. We're gonna go through the whole diddo I actually wrote time one of her lines here. She says you add this to this you subtract this to this You take the bigger number and you add it to the denominator

It doesn't matter you would know whatever I still I'm still love this mom. No, just keep talking. It's great Still I'm still love this mom. No, just keep talking. It's great. Oh My god she had all the ass and then all her and the I guess she was supposed to be their maid or whatever the two of them together Had all of the ass that you would ever need in the world. Okay, so yeah, so mom saying math words and then she has to go to the daughter and say Other words to anyway my note in the all my notes on this scene are, oh my God, do they live in a food court? There is so much background noise in this fucking thing. You hear people shouting, you hear trains arriving. Just there is no, I, I, I, it's the term shut the gate. The gate is wide open. The gate is just everything that happened in Nigeria we heard. It's like the fucking Hubble telescope of sound from the country in Nigeria and that's what we got for this fucking

silence. And you hear full conversations of people in the background. Throughout the film some guys just like hey are they shooting a movie? Yeah, shooting a movie. Oh should we be talking yeah? No, it's fine. They're going to edit this out later No or not what you're not Yeah, so we spent about 50 minutes on the homework and then dad shows up and now he's wearing a different suit So he has a different driving home suit. Yeah. Yeah. And he enters the room from behind a curtain. He's the Wizard of Oz revealing himself. It makes no sense. Right.

Well, he reveals himself and the children actors don't remember. They're supposed to run to him and you see the other actors be like, go, you're not saying he's supposed to be your dad. And so they're like, oh, daddy, daddy, welcome home. It's the worst performances ever. I miss David R. White. Oh, my God. Boy, nothing makes you appreciate revelation road like watching this after it, right?

I'm the whole time I'm thinking to myself, man, we really, we really undersold how good that dink was from the hammer, right? Yeah. The sound editing in that movie was phenomenal It matched up with when the hammer touched the ground and never less. Yes By the way the credits are still going here for some reason and there's literally a credit for continuity

Followed by one of the worst cuts. I've ever seen in movie. Like the maid comes in and she's like, okay, I made dinner, I'll be in the dining room. And then we cut to her walking away from a different angle and she clearly says, okay, I'll be in the dining room. But they muted it. It's horrible. Well, also when they, when the credit for the cameraman comes up, it's well, the camera's being sneezed

from mom to the sun and back or whatever. And I'm like, yes, then not the time you want your name signed to the shit. Also, we're 25% of the through the movie and the credits are still going what the fuck? Yeah, I have no idea what order the credits in this movie and if you're wondering are there still credits at the end? Yes, there are. Oh yeah, and quite a few. I've got quite a few notes on those as well. So now we cut to this. We cut to it and I don't even want to say there's no point to this scene because there's no point to any of the scenes. Yeah, he comes home. The kids are like, did you bring us chocolate? And he's like, I sure did. And the mom's like, no chocolate for them. And then they're like, great, scenes over. Something happened. Humans moved. A moving picture was created and that's all the people

who this movie is meant for are going to need. I guess. So now we get there, they're getting ready for bed scene. The mom and the dad and from one of the, we have three angles that we're going to shoot this. We got the mom angle, the dad angle, and the wide shot. And when we go to the wide shot, there is clearly a vibrator on sitting right next to the goddamn microphone. Yeah. That's either a dick phone or just a dick.

It's one of those two things, yes. Either way, I wanna know what, okay, dick phone. So, and the bedroom talk they're having is why him and his brother don't get along So they're married and they have two children one of which is about like 12 yes, right? And she's like hey, you know what we've been married for at least 12 years I assume how come you and your brother are not quote the best of friends First time this has come up I guess right and he turns to her and super casually is like oh yeah I meant to mention this my father was a worshipper of the vultures of horror the deadly

vultures of war that's actually is and my brother Also warships the deadly vultures of. And I didn't go into the family business and there's a tension there. Well, and he throws this out the way that I would say, like, well, my brother's a big billow Riley, guys. So he's like, he worships the vultures of horror, sacrifice his children once a month, you know. And her reaction is ridiculous.

He's like, did you just say your brother murders a person once a month for his skull? Okay, well, first reaction, I think disapprove i think it's a group i'm gonna sleep on it but i'm mildly upset by this we will discuss this in the morning though we will discuss this well because yeah okay so he says you know they they worship the vultures of horror and she goes so what does it entail to worship the vultures and he goes, well, they sacrifice human beings. Well, they have to perpetuate evil acts against people instead of going out to make something of themselves.

They worship the vulture gods. Well, and also he throws this line out and I think this is important to at least spend a second on this. That's why they remain so poor because they've decided to worship the vulture gods instead of going out and getting a jump That's actually a really big problem in Nigerian Christianity the whole Prosperity Gospels made its way over there You know poor people are of the devil. There's an awful lot of that and that kind of comes back again and again in this movie

Right and just to point out to make a special point of it in America Prosperity gospel is terrible because they fool little own ladies into, you know, I'll give a seed money and it'll grow. But because it's like went through the Google translate and then got Google translated back into English over in Nigeria, they don't do the give us money and you'll be rich. If people are poor, it's because they're probably devil worshipers. Right. rich it's if people are poor it's because they're probably devil or should right sometimes people kill other people just for being poor they're like hey guys poor he probably warps in cultures let's get the fuck out of him yeah great to know

that we're reinforcing that with a movie that's being set to the let's learn to fold pizza boxes music from the video at Domino's. My music note here was when you improvise don't touch the black keys or sounds wrong. Fuck it up. And we're talking about human sacrifice that dink dink dink dink dink dink dink dink dink dink dink dink dink dink dink dink dink. I just learned C major. I'm just a manager. Also like she outshouts the microphone at one point

and I enjoyed the clipping so much because it drowned out the sound of the vibrator for a minute. Yeah, I was quite happy. I'm like, hey, you know what? I know how you do that with a microphone. I know how that accidentally happens. Ah, that's Eli's audio. How do he get into this?

And also, I just want to point out, there's a moment. So he's like, yeah, he, by the way, he talks about how they sacrifice human beings. They have to perpetuate evil acts. And he goes, but the worst part is he won't accept any help I give him. Like, oh, yeah, that's the worst part. The worst part is he just won't take that check.

I keep trying to send him. Well, and then she's like, well,, that's the worst part. Yeah, that's not part of it. He just won't take that check. I keep trying to send him. Well, and then she's like, well, don't you go running around with no human sacrifice or then? And he ends the scene by saying, basically, don't worry, honey, I know way more Satan magic than he could ever hope to know. So I can take care of myself with my Satan magic. Are we going to get a Satan magic fight? We sure aren't Sure aren't no this this character's just gonna disappear from the movie a certain point and never show up again

But not before we get the boy does he really love his wife scene which begins with him feeding her orange juice which is the weirdic lying bed like drink drink it like playfully like forcing her to drink orange juice which I have never heard of and could not imagine until I saw it That's crazy angle. I just wrote please tell me she chokes on the juice and spits it everywhere That happens to me on every single first date I've ever had I drink some of the water I aspirated I get up I choke it's ridiculous. it's happened like eight times. Has to get high. And my first note here is like where is this in time? Right I mean it's the same people

in different outfits. Okay is this the next day? Is that like yeah okay and of course I'm going after the little stuff. There's so much big stuff. I don't know why I should be going after all they live in a goddamn bus They do when the back you can hear trucks backing up those same two people are like wait Is this a different scene in the movie or is this the same thing? No, this is much later When I don't know when is this scene supposed to be you guys again? We will not cut any of this out I promise Why is there three kids now when earlier there were only two

Also by the way the last three scenes we're getting a lot of his wife here. It's almost entirely POV blowjob porn if you just look around They are about to see a dick, but it isn't there yet. It's just this lady with big eyes She seems to be staring at what I can only assume as a beautiful African penis just off the screen. It's amazing. And well, yeah, okay. So there's also a great moment here with the camera work

where they're about to make out or whatever. And she's like, oh, but the kids are here. And the camera starts to back or like starts to pan over to the kids in the background, but then they start moving out of frame and the camera like, hurry, it goes to find them again. Well, the kids are in the, we see them doing this lovey-dovey, very inappropriate touchy, romantic moment scene. It pans out and I was like, holy fuck, their kids are there.

And then she turns to them and is like, when he's obviously just going to fuck her face, like they are on camera. She's like, the kids are here and I'm like oh now the kids are here he was just waterboarding you with orange juice but apparently actual penetration is you stop just short also one other thing on this scene can we talk about the bar they have stocked in this room oh amazing. Fantastic. They have this is the first row. This is what you can see. They have Yager, Bailey's, Kim barry, Hennessy, Decerono, Emereno, and a bottle of Dom Perignon. There you go. What the fuck? Kind of cocktails you're making with those bottles. That's crazy. Also, I love to at the end of the scene like he goes to carry her into the bedroom or

whatever but he clearly underestimated that actress's weight always amazing almost spills her body doesn't uh... it's because this is the most realistic thing about this movie which is the i'll carry you to the bedroom or i'll carry and you're just like uh... i think that uh... never gonna be okay. Sit down and walk.

Now you got to be on top the whole time. You happy? You happy? You watch the movie. We're doing it here. You choke me with the juice now. And now we get him leaving, or they're leaving together,

but this isn't, they're not leaving that last scene because they're all in different outfits again. So we get just some time in the future or something, those two people are leaving their house. Why was that scene? Hey, why was the other fucking scenes? Right, and my music note here is Link later provided music for a hotel lobby.

Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. So yeah, all right, so they're both in the car, together in yet different outfits and we'll get to the outfits when he gets out of the car But oh my fucking god, but this is where we meet lemur lemur. His name is lemur the fat starving man I have to not be racist and a black character in this movie is named lemur. I just want to point out, alright, everyone's going to praise the Pope for not explicitly raping a child, immediate.

I have a character named lemur, and I'm not saying anything. Well done sir, well done. Now apparently lemur has heard so much about how good Good guy who doesn't have a name is so he's come to help to get help from good guy because his family hasn't eaten since last night But it's right. It's this morning. So my family started starving earlier this morning I know I'm still fat. That's why I'm still fat But I will be very skinny and like you couldn't find this multiple times in this movie family started starving earlier this morning. I know, I'm still fat, that's why I'm still fat, but I will, you will all be very skinny and like,

you couldn't come on. I know, multiple times in this movie, he says we haven't eaten since last night. He is very much not starving. No, and I'm thinking, you can't find a skinny guy in Nigeria. This is like one of the least skinny characters in this movie for a fuck sake.

And then this is also probably the greatest single moment of the movie. I had this too. I know exactly what you're about to say. I have the most beautiful thing in the world. Go ahead, go ahead. So he's supposed to roll down the window but the actor accidentally rolls up the window a little and then he's like oh fuck fuck fuck and they roll the back down again and they're just like keep it yeah yeah I just wanted to like throw a jar of grape up on and speed away shit so it birds you poor fuck some fucking mustard

shit so yeah so after he fights with his fucking which one unlocks the store which one rolls down the windows Shit he gets out of the car and this is where we learn That he's wearing lime green golfing tracks to a tire this shit looked more ridiculous than the spinning skull Yeah, and then and then he screams to his, whatever, is made or whatever. And the microphone was clearly not expecting that. Oh my god. But I think he improvised that, because I feel like the actress was like intertrail or whatever

they had sitting in a chair and she was like, fuck, oh, what did you want from me right now? I thought I wasn't in this scene But different if by the way I've adjusted the volume eight times now both directions again do not do not Music note for this moment by the way we have harvest moon here in hell So yeah, so good guy orders is made to give Lemur something to eat and then lemur bows down to sock him off and he's like no, no, not here not here Not now not no and we are 50% of the way through the moving and nothing has happened and

Then we cut you what we go so we go inside and Lemur is eating cereal like it's gonna escape and lemur has more under boob sweat than I do right now And I just squeegeeed like 10 minutes ago. It is very he is frantically eating he looks like they gave him two high C packs and he's hidden them under his shirt exploded Like he was saving him for later. It is and I wrote my notes I hope the rest of this movie is just this man eating and I then wrote my notes Oh, I got my which cuz it is

65 minutes of me watching this man eat and hearing him chew It's never I don't know if y'all remember the episode We did where we had the sound mistake and it was me doing food noises in the background because I'm manically eating peanuts every time knowing he's talk during the show. That's what the sound is for this. It's just like, oh, oh, oh, oh, drinks some water we get more of him eating food is just falling out of his mouth It's just

Discuss the fucking it's the experience of this scene is like getting eaten by a giant that's What? Eating by a giant you know what it's like to watch this part of the movie you know what it's like to watch this part of the movie. Yeah, so the mage just keeps feeding him more and more food. And I just wrote, he can't afford to pay for all this pizza. Awesome. What's going to happen? He's entirely premises to porn, but nobody fucks.

He never eats. He's never anybody fucks. Right. And just then the mage comes in with all the ass in the world. And you're like, OK, I like where we're going here, but no, no. And the music is in like a Video game style loop like every three stances. We just reset. I'm like I want to yell go into it Dungeon or something please water level water level

Here's the elevator at Hyrule Castle The whole goddamn movie is the fucking elevator music and a high-rule castle. Wow. Except for one. Yeah, except for one. You mean my new ringtone? Of course. Yeah, we'll get there. We'll get there. Also, this is a Christian movie. So when he finishes slurping down things like a fucking HP Lovecraft demon, he goes, thank you, Jesus. And we're like right Christian movie good good right and now all of a sudden okay so we're in a new scene apparently but it takes place in the same room and the one character is still sitting in the same place so we don't know that so apparently the main character

is back and sitting on the other side of the table now but with no warning so we just see the guy eating with the nobody there and then all of a sudden the guys are like, what the fuck? We used vulture magic. And the poor guys like, oh my problem started when I moved too far away from the mic. Nobody here. I'm causing the rest of the sad story. And by the way, the one time they don't flood the wardrobe and consistency is the

lime green leisure suit. Yeah. That was that was the hill he died on. He was like, two scenes with the leisure suit but I will not do this movie. Well, I think he's literally the Nigerian Wizard of Oz and all of a sudden the green suit makes sense. Oh, okay, all right.

That's a ransom stuff. Looks good in the Emerald City, I'm sure. So, yeah, so what we're trying to learn in this scene, I guess, is that this guy's had it very bad just in sort of a general sense. And I wrote it with notes here, oh my god, I can hear the cameraman pushing buttons on the camera. That's exactly what we're listening to.

So apparently, good guy is going to give him some money. Right. Well, first, he tells him the sob story. His landlord gave him an ultimatum. He's going to get kicked out of his house and the before he gives them money he goes quote your story is very is a very sad one but it's not so bad and i was like dick dick moves yeah i mean we're supposed to believe this character starving since last night and he's just like hey man it's not that bad i mean don't fuck around and i want to point out too

that okay while they're having this you know it's not that bad conversation I mean, don't fuck around. And I want to point out too that, okay, while they're having this, you know, it's not that bad conversation, the music suddenly cuts in out of nowhere at very violently. And it's drowning out the dialogue. And I wrote, like, this one I wrote, Eli did this to me on purpose. He knows. He knows. I wrote music note the couple in this Korean soap opera are gonna make it I wrote happy endings are a hundred dollars actually Or whatever to I don't know how much it is No, yeah, that's what I hear probably friends Um, and so then they bring in a few bags of clothes for the for the guys family and

And the maid says this is a bag of some food and drinks for your family and drinks and drinks because she hands him a striped cup that is supposed to be full and drinks for him and his family. I see. He's like here's a solo cup that is food and drinks for your family. No, you just need two girls and you're all set. It's 0% full. Be happy. Optimist and oh god, I just can't even describe how fucked up the sound is like imagine that you the the soundtrack was being played on a slightly warped record that just skipped back to the same spot every three thirty seconds or so slightly warped record that was printed by a blind guy like daredevil they were like here quick you need to stop the

punisher print this record he was like fuck am I getting it and they were like eh yeah and I mean again it's impossible to overstate how bad this like the wife at this point she starts saying something but her voice she kind of looks away from the camera so her voice just phased a silence but the scene keeps going and everybody keeps responding to what she's not saying and everything. So, uh, whoo, yeah, yeah, amazing. And then an evil reverse symbol later and we're back to holy shit. Evil horror, guys. What the fuck was that noise?

I literally grabbed from my secret knife spot. I really did. I really grabbed my teeth. I thought like Bangladesh finally found us in Veldosta. Big trouble. Now I have to say, gonna be on raw story. Oh, be a star. Now I have to say this is by far my favorite non-title track related moment in this movie because what we're getting, we're getting evil witch man and he's thinking to himself.

Yeah and basically the acting note he was given for this scene is don't worry inner monologue and outer monologue are the same things because he's making the weird every thought that's being read as voiceover he's just making the weirdest most exaggerated unrelated face ever so it's like I need to become chief of the community look like someone shoving a lemon up your ass I sure do love my wife close your eyes and blow your lips together just none of the faces match the thoughts but they're exaggerated it's like a weird backwards minstrel show that you watched upside down on acid. Yeah, I Wanted so bad for somebody to fuck with him and the V. I just says like I really hope they make major league for

That's for bats was genius You improvised that Oh, and okay, so first of all he's and okay so first of all he's he's inner monologue in the same shit we already heard in the holding my own head scene and then reiterated in the going to bed scene about how he has to do a lot of evil every month but he's decided within this inner monologue that the key to that to keep the key to doing all the evil he wants to do is to become the chief of the village. Yeah.

So then his son walks in and he tells the son exactly what he just intermonologed verbatim. Yeah, verbatim. Yes. And this, I was like, which part of the audience weren't there for the first part of this scene? Also, his son replies to the plan with, that sounds like a nice one. I guess so. Sorry, one other thing on this moment, this guy, the evil bat, Pedro Serrano,

he has a giant hipster beard coming out of both of his ears. He is amazing how much ear hair he has. His ears might as well be wearing suspenders and like, pickling a radish, making a shitty beard in their basement. There should ear hair he has his ears might as well be wearing suspenders and like pickling a radish Make a shitty beer in their basement. There should be two people in his ears who make our teas and assault And this is again very small note we're just to give you an idea what we're dealing with here the son That came in he doesn't exit the way but he's supposed to go back out the way he comes in very clearly. So they almost run into each other and he's like, no, no, I need to get something from outside. And he walks out and then sunlight just drowns

out the entire scene while the doors open. And then he leaves. And again, it's like, yeah, no, we're keeping it. We're keeping it. Edwood's rolling over in his grave right now. Okay. And then we get the fucking vultures of horror. Can we just leave it to him? Yes, oh absolutely, absolutely. We get... Just take a moment to listen to this because this is the music that comes up for the following scene. And that will be the between scenes music from here on out. Yes, this is from the time that deadmouse and the vultures of horror collaborated. I think ladies with black bombazo, tea painain and daft punk finally got the next oyster head super group fantastic God when that first came up in the movie and I wasn't expecting that my

Come Came turned out you can have a tiny little my com splurded out and they were like jerking off their little tails And they managed to get it off before they hit the ground I had an orgasm within an orgasm get it off before they hit the ground. I had an orgasm within an orgasm, simultaneous multiples. I love that so much. Oh, and there, the whole scene is just dinner's good. You're a good cook. Whoever marries you will be very lucky. This is the Satan worshippers. This is the conversation. If you're wondering, hey, do the Satan and worshipers this is the conversation if you're wondering hey to the same worshipers in this movie talk about like the devil and evil and demons no they do not what the state

worshipers in this movie talk about is like it's good it's pretty good spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spreeree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree spree sp But not in the good like Tarantino-Eway or anything. It's just like, this is good food. Yes, this is good food. Who made this food? Your sister made this food. Sister, this is good food. Thank you for saying my food is good. We really get that for like three minutes. They're supposed, this is the bad guys,

but this family could not look less evil. They're all like beaming like any Murphy pretending to be an African guy. It's ridiculous. Also, is that racist? It's a compliment. I'm saying they don't look evil, but I feel racist. I think you're good.

Also, I have to point this out. My next note is, oh my God, that scream in the background wasn't part of the movie. No, yeah, we all have it in our notes. We don't have the burden of someone screamed in the background. And that's just yeah, but they were crushing it in that scene. So they kept rolling and then we're gonna talk to do that. Whatever. It's like I believe that that's food is good. We can't

afford to do it again. Also, by the way, this whole movie shoot must be distracting to the plumber, fixing a squeaky faucet next to the microphone. Oh, what the fuck? It must be pissed. Because they called it in and there's a whole movie back. I feel like it was a two for one. He was like, yeah, fix your faucet and then I'll do this FGM to this lady. I mean, she's going to scream during the filming. You guys don't mind, right?

You're like, ah, it's fine. Holy shit. They don't let her talk at any universities in the United States anyways. Go for it. I joke. I honestly thought at this point that like the generator that was keeping the camera going was being powered by a squeaky

Bicycler something mouse on a wheel. There's and there's honestly through the this entire scene in the background. There's Just unrelated to anything that's going on. Oh holy shit. Okay, and then and now the day when the most they get done talking about how good the daughter's cooking is the dad is gonna tell the family about the thing that he told the son about the thing that we listened to him in her monologue about this is the lady that fought swallow the fly of fucking screen plays and within it here's an actual line the mom says no one has assumed that position so it would be good for us if you assume that position and this the daughter who was just like that you like my casserole goes

all i would be able to do so much evil if that's speaking of continuity guy who i assume killed his killed himself after this movie or is maybe hacked to death halfway through She we camera cuts to her saying oh man I can't wait for you to be chief cuz I get to do evil then cuts back to him And he's just holding a feather duster which we're never going to acknowledge He took this character from the rest of the movie will just be holding a feather dust Well, I also love to use it later.

There's a reason. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. We'll get there. It's important. It's important. You know for the scene, the more you know about evil. Well, that's what I love so much about this is that they don't bother just people who

worship the vultures of horror do a lot of evil. So they keep talking about, that was some good evil. How about that evil? We did yesterday Here's an again actual lines the dad says to the daughter You heard me continue to do evil to which the brother says evil that's key. Yeah, yeah like between bites He's like yeah evil. That's king No fairies He's like, yeah, evil. That's king.

No, fairies. Reparations. CD. Preparations. Reparate. Bed. Oh, shit. All right. So quick while I update every personalizable sound in my life to the

Vultures of Horace, so we're going to take a quick break. But before we go, let me give act three of the hard sound. Will the Vultures towards whenever the breaking falsely shows the frigate? Ken Osterity jumpo fourth on the width of understanding. Will to Fortune, power, seam and liver shower parking find out the answers to these questions in barbecue when civilist engineering busy of vultures of horror. I'm sorry but that's the kind of dialogue I'm dealing with with this fucking movie that's as close as I can get guys.

Okay Brian thanks so much for coming in, bro. Yeah, yeah, totally. Yeah, you sound like you were just waking up on the phone just now. You did remember that today is the day we're recording the Vultures of Horm. You have the whole movie scored out, right? Yeah, of course, totally. Of course.

Okay, well, why don't we start with the Vultures of Horr theme songs? What do you have for that? Yes, so I was thinking something like like Vultures And then I could be like I'm gonna stop you right there. You didn't write anything at all did yes. Yeah, I did I wrote that it took a long time to write that thing That it's gonna sound great. You gotta trust me. I haven't done the voice

Yeah, it's gonna be great. Okay. All right. Well, why don't we switch gears here to some of the music for you know for when there's like background action Right background action. Yeah, well of course totally Yeah, there's 60 minutes to this movie you do have background music, right like a yeah, of course of course. And I do, but I want you to appreciate it, so close your eyes. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. That's it Tetris. I know that no I'm playing it. I'm playing a flute Yeah, yeah, man. I didn't actually close my eyes you are very clearly holding a game boy Then no this the oh you should be we're supposed to but this is a weird shaped flute. Oh really? It's a shape. Let's play one play one note on it one note Nope not a note. And we're back for more of this insanity and apparently you can feel free to forget everything

that happened up until now because none of it will ever come back in any way whatsoever. So for this new completely unrelated third of the film, we're going to start with evil brother number two, washing clothes in a bucket right and if you're wondering man what's the main conversation of these Satanists who have power over vultures of evil going to be about it's mostly gonna be about finding a job in girlfriend problems so pretty much yeah just a casual conversation about whether to continue murdering children every month or getting off this job.

Like you have on the front porch next to the traffic that I can hear. On the one hand, the screams of the innocent on the other hand, 401k. Here's the conflict, by the way. Evil brother one is saying, like, I just feel like, you know, you're going to get a real job and dad's getting older. I'm'm gonna end up killing these kids myself. My friends are still gonna be you know satanic murderers and yours gonna be all yuppie-ish. You're gonna move the suburbs I'll keep murdering kids. Also music note for this scene. This speaker salesman is trying to get me to leave the store. Of course. I love the music so much.

I love everything about this movie so much. And someone is literally honking over their dialogue and they don't reshoot. No. So he's honking at the camera man, like, get out of my way. We just keep running. And now, evil brother number two, we cut to a scene where he's

uh... chatting with his with his lady friend fatwet wester's nipes if it helps okay alright that that's good that's good i like it so we see a couple of women walking down the trash line chicken-filled streets of of Nigeria and he stops him and i love his it's the line he goes are you, damsels going to? Like, that's awesome. I would totally fuck that guy after that one.

Yeah. That would have worked for me. And by the way, during the scene, the audio is brutal. It actually works. Oh, so bad. They managed to use the audio from the wrong source in both directions within five seconds.

It was like, why chat close up audio, close up chat, why do audio is cutting back and forth, but slightly off time, every time they try it, it was crazy. Well also, and I don't mean to get too technical here in the sound department, but there's no such thing as wide audio. You don't shoot when the chat cuts from further back, you don't suddenly hear them from further back. That's not supposed to.

Is this was they did they use one of those underwater mics so you can hear the song a whale like they had a discount thing at B&H. It was just like, what I mean, are you filming underwater? Let's say yes. Are you filming underwater? So yes. So, the just of this scene is that this girlfriend who is by the way, standing entirely in shadow, she's right next to this son, but for some reason they film her entirely in shadow, is breaking up with him. She's a woman, she has diverse needs. If you don't want to pay attention to this scene, don't worry, you're going to see it again

in about two minutes. And also, some kid clearly ran past their producers and snuck into the shots. Yep, very much. Oh yes, awesome. And her way of breaking up with him by the way is to say, I'm bounce out of this relationship. Yeah, again, I thought that was pretty cool. Yeah, I like the way they talk. Their chickens in the background, by the way, music note for this scene, K-pop to play it grandma's funeral.

Right? Also, I've got, you could literally put the microphone on a mechanical bull and get less rattled and you get when the girlfriend's friend starts talking. Oh my god, here I'm gonna do my impression if you don't mind of the girlfriend's friend talking. of the girlfriend's friend talking. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Satan worshipper cross fading of him like the actor didn't know out of Christ They were like look itchy bored It's supposed to be a montage of sadness because the background noise is a sad remix of the cultures of horror Techno song it's like Baby girl, but it's not

It's and then we just watched the scene that we just saw again. You were wondering what he was sad So yeah, you guys remember two minutes ago No, don't worry. There's a five-minute montage about it Does that make sense? No, it's. It was so long I have expected the flash up back to go all the way until he started flashing back. Also my music note here is English is my first language and I'm perfectly fluent but I never learned any of the words in this particular song. So these are just noises to me but I am fully. Music note, fuck, I need to buy some health pots in this shop

God Jesus we all have so many Zelda related music I'm gonna like three more and then of course the brother the other evil brother comes in To talk to about his grow problems. Yeah, exactly. He's like you look down Is that about murdering children? Everyone? No, and it's not. It's not. Actually, what he says is, you look like someone whose world has crumbled. Mm-hmm, yeah.

Right. But it's not the murdering. It's just, you know, women who you caught me, kind of melancholy. Bitches speak crazy. Yeah, and I'm like, I'm thinking, my god, did we switch movies at some point? Are we now watching a movie about this guy and his girlfriend and

Apparently we are and his brother has some advice, you know as brothers are often want to give in situations like this He's like why don't you just use your Satan magic to control her mind dude Yeah, just make her fall in love with you. We're magical. We're murdering children for the magic fucking use it Yeah, but he doesn't want to do that he is his line is I don't want her to love or I'm sorry I want her to love me without any voodoo manipulation hmm and you know we've all been there yeah and to which his brother replies quote no silly bitch is worth putting you for all these tormented moments. Yeah. I guess that's Nigerian for pros before hosts.

Yeah, pretty good. Pretty good. At this point in the movie, by the way, I wrote in my notes, I completely understand Einstein's theory of relativity. It's very clear that the sitting on a stove was a little more elegant than watching Vultures of horror, but I get it. I just want to say I get it because this movie is 57 minutes long and it felt like Lawrence of Arabia. Oh my god. And then we cut to the to the to the market to the plastic bag market

for some characters that we don't know. Right. It's the but who's going to turn out to be so it's a store. There are two stores and they appear to sell plastic bags and cake. I know though. No, yes. One of them is the wife of evil guy who was in Major League 3. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, and she is not selling as well as the other woman.

So we spend about 75 minutes of her saying, she's sold more than me. She must have sold 50. I only sold one She must have sold 50 Also when we first got to this shot, okay, so what we're watching when we first got to this shot is this woman We haven't met selling things in her shop and in the background is the guy's wife and he she's staring angrily at the woman who's selling really well but we don't know that she's way too far away to recognize so I thought it was just somebody at the next market over going I know that bitch ate film in me the fuck are they doing with that camera over there but no it turned out that was

actually part of the movie that was supposed to be there Also the evil woman has this insane like speech Habit where she goes a So she's like today a Assault it she just does it 8,000 times while talking to herself in this scene. It's terrifying Where she will not do it in following scenes by the way, and this is the only scene in which she has that word problem. Right. Right. It's like a hiccup of an affectation. Canadian Nigerian. So now we come to the evil parents getting ready for bed. And basically, this is what her telling the husband what just happened in the last scene

Music note for this scene by the way fuck one of these calls the horse It's not a music class. I want to hit something with a sword. I literally had you could drain a lake in Zelda with this sound tracks Actually had Bjork is warping straight to world four And now she's got a puet I actually had Bjork is warping straight to world four. And now she's got a Pewit. I also had the audio equipment is back on that escalator. Because again, we hear the squeaky dryer going in the background here. But the just to the scene here is that that evil dad is very mad that the lady next to his wife's shop is doing well and doesn't understand

why she doesn't just use evil vulture magic to take care of it. Right. And they talk about voodoo curses like they're the PTA. She's like, I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to curse that lady with the vultures of horror. And he's like, yeah, do what you want to do. And I was like, well, I just wanted to talk about it. And I wanted to know how you felt.

Well, I feel fine. All right. Fine. Good. I will curse her with the vultures of horror. Also, this is this is the evil warlock guy and his wife. And I just wrote, I will forgive this entire movie if he double teams are with his disembodied head. I will about this.

Sintire movie is premises to porn with no porn so mad right so then okay again This is so minor, but it's so fucking hilarious the two of them go to lay down to go to sleep now It is very clearly the middle of the day the lights are on there are no pillows on the bed The lady starts to get into the bed like the head of the bed was on the other side as she changes her mind I'm like, how can you fuck something like getting in bed up this bad? Seriously, a cannonball into the middle of the bed would have been more natural this way. Jack knife. So now we cut to three old men with Kane sitting on a bench.

We have not met any of these characters and we are going to spend approximately the entire rest of the movie watching them talk. Yes, and this is waiting for good dough levels of repetitive and confusing, but without all the good stuff. I mean, it's like, first of all, the scene starts off, we spend 50, I timed this, 51 seconds establishing the fact that these three people are having a drink. Yeah, it's one guy just walks up and he's like, all right, let's all have a shot of Kaluah in these three pint glasses I've had here stacked up. Sit outside and have a coffee

lacour shot together. Well, and also they're trying, I guess they're trying to go for that sort of Tarantino-y, like, we're not talking about the plot thing, so instead they talk about completely unrelated shit. These three people that we've never met. Well, I mean, I don't know how you knew it was unrelated because they stopped speaking English for the majority of the scene, but... I was so proud of myself with how much of this, how much of this dialogue I was able to decipher. What's some of it in, okay. Yeah, yeah, so apparently the mad girl is back that's great news for her family not great news because she this movie

she only brings shame and sadness to her family well according to one of the guys yes yet now again i want to emphasize we're listening to three characters we haven't met talking about other people we haven't met in this and that's what's going on we haven't met talking about other people we haven't met in this movie. Yeah, that's what's going on. And then I wrote, I'm not sure what those words were, but they were funny, apparently, because everyone was. Yep.

So eventually we realized that, okay, these guys are the village elders, and they're talking about who's going to be the chief. Now, if you recall from the intermonologue, the conversation immediately after that, and the scene immediately after that, the evil dad wants to be the chief. So that's, I guess, why this seven minute scene exists. Right. And they decide to give the position to Mr. Lucky. What? Yes. That's the name. I don't know who that is, but Mr. Lucky, that's who they choose. And for all we know, that's the bad guy. Yeah, we have no way.

No fucking clue. It could genuinely be at this point in the film. Also, there's a fantastic moment. He goes, one of the guys goes, as elders of this community, we must make sure, right? Make sure, like he just, he pauses for 85 minutes because he's forgotten his line so he's like we must oh what's the word and everyone else is like yeah sure and also like okay again during a single line from one guy

like that they'll cut like he'll be talking and then they'll cut to the reaction shot from the other two guys, but the audio changes to the audio they captured while those other two guys were nodding. And it's so bad that you think a different person started talking, it's so radically different. As he's speaking, that you're like, Holy shit, was that the same guy? That's the same line? Yeah, Holy shit, it was. So yeah, then they spend another full minute endorsing Mr. Lucky and then we cut to what apparently is the exciting conclusions.

This is my favorite scene in the movie. Oh, it's so good. This is so fantastic. So we start off with the lady who owned the other shop. You remember that was doing really well. And she's reading on her front porch, which is a blank room. Yeah, well, yes, a sound stage. Yeah, exactly. And then all of a sudden, she hears a bird noise that was actually intended to be in the movie.

Yeah. A sound effect directly from Duck Hunt to video game. Yeah. Followed by it, we'll find out graphics directly from duck hunt the video game. Yeah Followed by we'll find out graphics It's not much better. I didn't expect the dog to come up and laugh at her. Yeah, so yeah Now apparently the vultures of horror are flying above her and then Two skeletons appear one of is, I shit you not, doing a pirouette. Yes, just spinning around, but doing a full blown pirouette. Nothing more terrifying than a skeleton doing ballet.

Honestly, it's a good thing they showed me this in the preview, if I go into that cold it takes me out of the whole movie but So I believe suspended good job So this so now we get that you because apparently if you recall that preview at the beginning was a preview of this movie So now we get the summer something to a puddle scene with the skeletons and this lady's reaction This is so amazing. She sees vultures flying above her breathing fire and skeletons walking towards her.

She's like, fuck, let me pour a tiny little bit of water into the catapult. Let me pour some of my phanta out. Yeah. And kind of slowly, like to get it exact with the menace of her cat. While skeletons and demon birds are attacking. So she measures out precisely one cap full of dishoni

tablespoon teaspoon which is a table fuck She yells Jesus and throws the dishoni atom and then the the Jesus magic dissolves the skeleton and That was the fucking that was the big fight at the end And it could not be more casual. It's like when you, no, it's like when a dog is in, or a cat's in the wrong part of the house, and you're like, no, get in the back.

No, get in the back, cause you're gonna fuck around with all the shit in here. No, no, come on. That's how she treats demons, Galatians, and vultures of danger or whatever they're called. Yeah. They just like disintegrate to the ground like the kupa trooper from the ghost house when you jump on it.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Right, right. Yeah, yeah, exactly. They're going to come back, I'm sure. They shake first, first, second, though, so you know. Yeah, they give you some warning. So now it's time for more overly gesticulated inner monologues

from evil guy as he walks down the street with his evil uh... price water french tickler that's very clearly french tickler and he waves it at somebody's house that apparently he doesn't like their how to wait is the good guys house he was very angry that this house was being built yes so he lights it on magic fire he blows laser breath with the house yeah with magic fire causes

one part of after effects fire to go in one window and that's on this otherwise perfect house but hey if you think that they're not going to go full with the with the special effects here let me tell you you're wrong then the, yeah, then the exact same fire starts Other window In unison flames in unity Right, and then you get that D. Did you guys see the little the embers like the the boards and stuff falling from the fire things falling out There's like a hammer flies out of the house It's crazy. It wasn't falling off the house of course or anything. It was just falling. And doesn't it seem like vultures could be handling

the sort of like low level task work or like a witch terrorist? I was thinking the exact opposite. I'm like, well, if you have fire breath, why did you waste time with skeletons and shit on that lady? Yeah, maybe just don't summon the vultures and do it yourself. Yeah, right, right. Exactly.

The vultures are union and you know how it is. Maybe you just want to get into it. Just vultures standing do it yourself. Yeah, right, right. Exactly. The vulture union and you know how it is. You just want to get into it. Just vulture standing outside of a rising. No, I want to emphasize because I get the feeling that as we draw this, uh, drawn near to the close that we might have some people sitting at the, at home sitting and thinking to themselves, you guys forgot to tell us the story. You never really gave us an idea of what was going on in this movie or why anyone was doing anything. So I want to emphasize.

So did the movie. Yeah, exactly. There's nothing we could have done about that. We could make one up if you'd like. If you're a sensitive person. Yeah, exactly. You're like Thomas, playing the video game with no quarters again or something like that. And the reason I'm saying that is because, you know, it occurs to me as we're watching,

and I should point out that we watch this fake fire on this house for a solid four minutes or something. And as we're watching it, I'm like, huh, we just watched the character set a house on fire and we don't even know who's house it is or why he did it. They never bother to give us any of that and and and the movie is just basically gonna end there and nothing has been introduced nothing has been resolved nobody has been named no conflict has been created what we'll give you a few plot points in the breakfast club close we'll give you like yeah we'll see

what we can do and as if this wasn't insane enough, now a lady that we've never met wakes up and it turns out that this was all her nightmare. And she wakes up to a camera directly under her left breast. That's the shot. It's her way. Oh, it's all left-hits.

It's all left waking up. It's the boob sweat cam. Yeah, that's right. Also, I love she tries to do the, you know, it's the boob sweat cam Also, I love she tries to do the you know, she's gonna just piss me off She's gonna do the whole like and then sit straight up out of her thing But she's too a little too heavy for that. Yeah, so it takes her like six shots to rock enough momentum She's like I want to grow we can do it. It's like trying to tip a turtle Don't scare her. Don't scare her.

So yeah, apparently the entire movie we just watched was her nightmare, which is you know, honestly that makes sense if it's a nightmare. Sure. Like that's something that I dreamed of that I watched with the exception of the audio, everything would make sense then. Right. And because it makes about as much sense as an I'm and she wakes her husband I think wasn't aware there was a movie going on She's like Agent's have invaded our land and he's like go to sleep fuck off. God. Why is there a camera?

He just goes back to sleep while she prays over him yeah Well, she says like we need to pray together. We need to pray. He's like, oh, you and your stupid fucking prayer. And finally, he's like, yeah, yeah, let's pray. And then he just goes to sleep. Go to sleep and she waves what appears to be a newspaper over him. And it's like, geez, and says the craziest prayer ever.

It's just like, Jesus, I know that you would protect us. But if you don't get a chance to, that's fine. Just like, shoot me a text and let me know you're not going to be there. Because I'm really only going to go if you're going to go. Like I said, yes, on a chance to that's fine just like shoot me a text and let me know you're not gonna be there Cuz I'm really only gonna go if you're gonna go like I said yes on Facebook But that's just so I would get notifications if the location changed It's fucking insane and and then the movie is over yeah to God be the glory. I can't So yeah, so hey, yeah, then we get the credits. The very first word in the credits is appreciation

and it's misspelled. Mm-hmm. I quite liked that. And they also, again, they listed the characters by names. We never learned anyone's name. You're not helping us at all. Also, the credits changed color several times

for no reason. That was quite disturbing. Yeah, I imagine someone was like, hey man, this whole movie looks like shit. You did a really bad job and he was like, wait for it. And then the credits turned green and they were like, oh yeah. Oh shit, I thought there were going to be yellow. No, okay, I, not to belabor this too much, but you know, like since an hour long movie we have to fill a whole show.

So I want to belabor this too much, but you know like since an hour long movie we have to fill a whole show So I want to point this out in the credits you can check my math on this they have 55 people listed as drummers I Went back in counter that is literally true. There are 55 drummers and only 21 people listed as crew and there is crossover If you're wondering is there crossover between crew and drummers? Yes, they're right. That explains so much. It's like well, he's not that good at sound, but man He can really well on those drums. Yeah, we'll just call him the sound man. It's fine. Yeah He'll be good with that and apparently that's it at at no time did anyone's scene relate to any other scene in a film like way and

Holy oh my shit there are five more of these Motherfuckers You know I gotta say and I and I messaged Eli the other day and I just told him like we can't do these in order Because just anytime I'm feeling blue Anytime I've just had a bad day death in the family or whatever we've just watched a really really rough movie or something I want to have another vultures of horror to treat myself to I want to spread this out over a lifetime for a good reason This is my new scrubs go to sleep movie No Obviously no rating system used to quantify films with suffice for this work of art.

And I had to reach really deep into my analogy bag to come up with something that could possibly offer you the range that you would need at a time like this. So rather than asking how many stars you would give this movie, I ask you this, if Vultures of Horror was a fight you had with a girlfriend, what fight would it be? Right. This is like a public Twitter fight about who gave who herpes? Like nobody wins, no, nobody wins. And you do it five more times, you have to make up five more stories, it's no good.

Bad for business. I'm gonna go with a 4 a.m. You don't like my friends blackout drunk fight. Oh, yes. One of those. I don't. Your friends are bitching. Friends blackout drunk fight. Oh, yes, one of those I Don't your friends are bitch. You're not gonna remember any of this anyway. So yeah, much a horse No one dates Bethany cuz she's fat. That's why no one dates Bethany

He's fucking fat. That's why It's really funny go to sleep Line your side. I don't want you to break your head yourself. Yeah, right Hey, well, that's gonna do it for our review of vultures of war That's not gonna do it for the episode just yet because even though this movie will never be topped It still must be followed so Eli tell us what's on deck the freedom of silence This is what Todd starsarn's beats off to. Oh yes. In a post-religion being outlawed world,

one man is brave enough to talk about the Bible. Yes. So what it looks like we're into, yes. Even though this preview has been approved for all audience screens look cheap, this should be fun. Yeah, there's actually a SWAT team using explosives to prevent people from reading Bibles in this in this movie apparently.

I'm definitely predicting another ACLU magically becomes the bad guy with no explanation. Yeah, right, right. But this time they have ACLU torture chambers. Yeah, right, exactly, exactly. They're right now. I have ACLU torture chambers. Yeah Exactly, there are armed now no I love because the the movies going there like all we get in the preview is this monologue going like now We can't read the Bible first they banned it from the schools Then they banned it from all government buildings Oh really you sure about that and we banned it from the or just we're allowed to force people to read it anymore and agree with it. Hmm, same thing, I guess. So with all that to look forward to, we'll bring episode 37 to a merciful close.

Once again, huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to catch yourself among the ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful. And thereby earn early access to every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on your various social media platforms. And if you enjoy the show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating atheists, and the skepticrat available on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email God awful movies at gmail.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slatnik of Evil

Drafts on Mars and was used with permission. If you like what you hear, hear more by following the links on the show notes to this episode. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For a heat-end write, and Eli Bosnick, I'm No Illusions, promising to work hard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the Breakfast Club close. Mark! Baby, come back!

Oh, just a fortress of horror! Oh, just a fortress of horror! Baby, come back! The Metal Suites Guy at Men's Warehouse continued crushing it. Woman number three eventually found the address she was looking for. Someone someone was or was not elected chief of some kind of thing. Who knows? Vultures of horror one more time I'm sorry. It's about 97 degrees in this room Eli. I apologize

Oh, we're about to yeah, we're almost slightly exaggerating about the boob sweat. Go ahead So he's I think one of the hard oh Let me try again. Let me try again. This make this a little bit tougher