God Awful Movies - 378: Seventy Times Seven
Episode Date: November 15, 2022This week, Michael Marshall joins the gang for an atheist review of Seventy Times Seven, a whodunnit even easier to solve than the math problem it's named after. == Vulgarity for Charity Info: To par...ticipate in Vulgarity For Charity 2022: Donate $50+ to ModestNeeds.org Screenshot a copy of the receipt as proof. Email it to vulgarityFORcharity@gmail.com Tell us who or what you want roasted - be sure to give us some details to work with and a photo if they aren't a famous or well-known person. Give us your name as you want it to be read out, i.e. Greg J. or "Happy Bear" You may request a specific host. 100 random roasts and the top 100 dollar value roasts will be read on-air on Scathing Atheist and Cognitive Dissonance in the coming weeks. The earlier you send in the roast the better chance it has of being selected. Deadline MIDNIGHT ET on November 24, 2022. == This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/awful and get on your way to being your best self. == Check out more from Marsh on Be Reasonable and Skeptics with a KIf you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Let's talk about the body.
You mentioned that this was almost your best worst, and I think that was true for all of
us.
They are rough with this body.
They are, you hired movers that you found on a telephone pole with this body.
Yeah, and it's not helping that this house has the spiral staircase from a medieval castle.
Yeah, right access point to the upper floor.
The stairs are like you're worried about like making sure that your enemy has a attack right-handed against the wall or something.
You know.
Not awful.
Movie.
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This is one of the, what are the real peaks
for our show, it really is.
Okay, but before we get to that,
I have another massacres to introduce here,
sitting 4,000 miles to my East Northeast
is my metrically bad friend, Michael Marshall Marsh.
Welcome back, sir.
Good evening, gentlemen.
You can't tell, but I just arrived
into this podcast on a horse. Oh, interesting. So that all makes sense. Good evening, gentlemen. You can't tell, but I just arrived into this podcast on a horse.
Oh, interesting. So that all makes sense. That's all actually.
I'm sure that'll factor into the podcast in some way at some future point.
Yeah. So tell us, Marsh, what will we be breaking down today?
So we watched 70 times seven.
It's the story of a young Christian rancher slash businessman,
whose pregnant wife is unexpectedly murdered and how hunting her killer brings him back to God.
And it's sort of like if Jack Chick wrote John Wick.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And if you're wondering, by the way, listener, why it's called 70 times seven, that's the
runtime in minutes.
In years, if you're
right. Yeah.
Exactly. Every years of my life, it's subtracted at Eli. How bad was this movie?
Well, if you love Christian cinema, but you've been waiting for every weary
trope, every badly aimed camera and every ill-positioned microphone to come
together in one extraordinary film.
You will love this movie.
I'm gonna make a bold claim.
I think this might be the worst movie
we've ever had to watch.
Really?
Definitely top five.
Definitely top five.
Okay, so here's the thing.
If you can divide somehow,
like quality units by production dollars,
then yes, right?
Like I think you're, you're driving.
Like of all the movies we watch,
where the credits all have like different last names,
you know, and they have like,
look, I should manage a boom operator,
like for something like that, like, yeah,
it may be the worst we've ever seen.
It was spectacularly bad.
Yeah, yeah, it's incredible, absolutely incredible.
Something that comes up a lot when I tell people
about this job that we do is they'll be like,
yeah, but like, isn't it ironic?
Like, oh, you mean like a, you know, like a turkey killer
or whatever, you know, that one that was like ironic
that we watched the Halloween one or those ones
where people make bad movies on purpose.
The lots of bastard.
Yeah, yeah.
Right.
Where it's like very tongue and cheek, right?
And you have to explain to people that these people are trading as hard as they can.
They really are.
Absolutely hard as they can.
And they fit any beautiful, beautiful, right?
The way some people look at the pyramids in awe,
I wonder if I look at this movie.
I must be aliens, it has to be aliens.
So is there anything you guys want to
nominate this one for being the best of being the worst at?
Yes, yes, I want to say best worst focus on the camera.
For the lens focus, there were times that it was so blurry.
I had to keep genuinely checking
I wasn't slipping out of consciousness.
And it was the picture that was blurry and not my eye.
Like, I had to keep staring at things outside of the screen
to make sure that my later eye surgery
hadn't spontaneously undone due in the course of this film.
It was that out of focus.
There were so many good best worst choices on this one.
I almost went with best worst corpse removal, right?
That was, that was pretty great.
But I, I'm ultimately, I'm just going to go right to the heart of the thing, best worst
who done it.
Right.
The killer's name might as well be suspect, Mick Killerson or something.
Like, it could not be more obvious.
And then the whole movie is like maybe it was this guy
I said no it was obviously that guy
At one point the movie wants you to suspect a literal child
Have you ever been told a riddle by a child and you have to pretend?
But they're like what's up bird that flies in the air and is called a chicken?
You have to be like, ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo go with best worst least appropriate guitar performances. Oh God. To be clear. Yes.
This is supposed to be a vengeance thriller. Vengeance thriller about the murder of a man's
wife and unborn child. It contains acoustic guitar performances.
And everyone on them is so weird.
Everyone on them is so ill-timed
and inappropriate, it's incredible.
Yeah, if this movie was called
an acoustic guitar concert, five guitar performances,
might be a little much for me.
Well, what's amazing too is that it's all the same guy
and he's the director, right?
So like he was like, he was like, I think they're going to want me to play the guitar
again.
I honestly, I think that's what the audience is going to need right now.
Yeah, I need the cards to come up and tell me how much they need to hear me play guitar.
Yes.
That happens multiple times in this room.
He paid people to to ask him to play guitar for them.
It's amazing.
So, all right, well, as we've revealed this one's a mystery,
so we're gonna give everybody a minute to put on their
thinking cap, but we'll be back in a hurry with all the
perfunctory dialogue of 70 times seven.
Okay, well, what if I need to call Suzanne?
Oh, it's easy.
So, Charlie, down the pub, talks to Carol, who works for Suzanne.
That's crazy.
Hey, guys, what you up to?
Hey, Eli, did you know that they don't use phones and Liverpool?
They don't?
Nope.
So everyone is never more than one step away from the person they're in the room with,
so you just ask.
So lucky, right?
No dropped calls, no surprise fees?
Well, no, I don't have to deal with those even in America because I've got Mint Mobile.
What's Mint Mobile?
Mint Mobile lets you order and activate from home with ESA, while saving tons of money
on phone plans starting at just $15 a month.
$15 a month?
That sounds amazing.
But it gets better.
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Right now, when you switch to Mint Mobile and buy any three-month plan,
you'll get another three months for free.
All plans come with unlimited talk and text
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Use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan
and switch easily and effortlessly with E-Sim.
That's incredible.
It really is.
I switched to Mint Mobile when they became a sponsor
and I've got the exact same service, but I've saved a ton of money while doing it, even
when I was in England. For a limited time by any three-month Mint Mobile plan to get three
more months free by going to mintmobile.com slash cam. That's mintmobile.com slash cam.
Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at MintMobile.com slash cam.
All right, Marsh. Looks like I'm going to be going with Mint Mobile after all.
Miss Wusen's going to be so disappointed.
Well, it was going to be a chance to finally shoot up the chimney and see a sister again.
Angland is weird.
Yeah, well, at least we have Hellska.
Okay, and then on your first day, you're going to want to go up to the biggest guy there, like the biggest one you could find, and you're just going to be like, hey, do you have
beliefs that need re-examining?
Right, yep, good thinking.
Yes, yes.
Hey, Vellus, what's she doing?
Oh, hey, Noah, I was just getting marsh ready for vulgarity for charity.
What's vulgarity for charity?
It's our annual charity fundraiser for monosne needs.org, a tax exempt charity that helps keep people who aren't eligible for other kinds of assistance
from slipping into poverty.
Oh yeah, and how do we do that?
Well, listeners to our podcast can go to modestneeds.org, donate $50 or more to anyone who needs help
or to the general fund and then send proof along with who they'd like us to roast to
vulgarity for charity at gmail.com. We'll be choosing 100 random folks and our top 100 donors get
their roast red live on air plus. We'll have special guests like Thomas and Andrew, Marsh
of course, Kara and maybe even a surprise or two.
Oh, that sounds awesome. But what are the orange jumpsuits for? Oh, right. No, with the
British slander laws the way they are, you can't be too careful.
Oh right, yep.
Yeah, we were thinking it could be the prison skeptic.
Oh yeah, no, that sounds great.
Bross.
And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to open up on the harbenture of quality
that is the bridge stone media group logo.
We all do it for a treat as soon as we saw it.
And so and then we get these opening credits with which a horse is this movie is not about
horses by the way, that have a very like I do to know what all the buttons on the camera
do feel to him.
Yeah, if you're wondering how bad this movie is going to be, this film has not been
formatted to fit your screen because both the bridge stone logo and the opening credits
are literally cut off at the end.
Oh, and this is the first time that I got a hint of how badly focused this was because
this whole opening shot of them on horses coming over the horizon and I think it's so
out of focus, it looks like they photoshopped out this guy. Yeah. It looks like it's like, oh, it's too gray a day. So
we've just photoshopped that out and then covered it in post. Yeah. Put a paint ship in there behind
it or something. Yeah. There's also this amazing moment. So so we're meeting this couple,
David and Jackal and they're on horseback. We see them on horseback at first, but like she's
getting a little too bouncy for a Christian movie. Right. So we cut that real short. And we get this amazing opening dialogue. The dialogue
will not get better from here, folks. These are the actual opening lines. I love you just so much.
I love you more. I hope it's always like this. Yeah, I mean, look, present company excluded,
but I feel like when you marry your high school sweetheart,
this is the kind of dialogue you write for your romance movie.
I love you.
Check one box for, I love you.
Check two boxes for, I extra love you.
This I think was the first time I tried to Google this film
to see if I could find anything out about these actors. And what I'd find. This, I think, was the first time I tried to Google this film to see if I could find anything
out about these actors.
And what I'd find throughout this, every time I try and Google anything, was that Google,
because the title of it, 70 times seven, Google just kept defaulting me to the calculator
every single time, so you'd be like 70 times seven.
And you'd be like, come on, man, it's 490.
We've been through this.
Now, go, go.
I want information.
And by the way, if you got that by most playing seven by seven and then adding the zero
back, congratulations.
You did new math.
Shut up about comment court.
God damn.
Also, that guy who makes coffee is Josh forestine.
And you're right.
Yeah.
You should know that you sharing your
and you and Josh forestine agree on anything. So okay, so then we cut to that lovely fountain
that the rotary club got installed downtown, right?
We see this fountain so damn many times,
there's never, it never factors into any damn thing,
but this is David going to work,
yes, to pass this fountain, we seem getting in an elevator,
but like clearly there's no building in that town
that has an elevator, Give me a fucking break.
You know, if there's an elevator, if there's a fucking elevator, it's for elderly and disabled people, okay?
Walk up the stairs, be a lazy bastard. But David going to work, it passed the fountain.
And as he steps in, he gets a call from Jacqueline, they have some more great dialogue.
Yeah, she calls him to tell him that mountains are beautiful, which was an absolute essential
call to make as the man is heading into work.
Yes.
In case you forgot.
And then we meet the secretary here.
Now the secretary has a crush on David, the main character.
And is there for a suspect?
Buh, buh, buh.
Yeah.
Right, right.
I honestly, I don't know if they were trying to go for suspects here or if this actor slash
director was like, now she would probably have a crush on me, right?
Because I'm so hot and play guitar.
Really?
Oh, because he was a director.
Yeah.
That's what, because it made no sense otherwise, because at no point did the secretary
like try and make a move on him or do anything at all other than like hand some papers of things.
So I thought why are they adding this subplot of her clearly being into him?
But he writes because he's the director.
Yeah.
So you just assume that everybody wants to fuck him.
Yeah.
Incredible.
So yeah, so he goes to meet with his boss who is also his dad.
This is also one of the points where because we're focusing on the actors' faces, all
the background is terribly out of shot.
And it looked for a moment like one
of the pop plans had requested anonymity. It was that focus in the background. So yeah, so he goes
to meet with boss dad and they have some business conversation that basically boils down to, so
you're getting married soon, like just a couple of things from now. Oh, like they're vamping. I almost
went with best worst
vamping about business because he literally just hands him paper and he's like, remember,
you'll need to sign those, you know, like, yep, I'll get them to you by the end of the day
because they know that I'll get them to you is by the end of the day is business words
and not, no, you just, I said sign that. I was taking a pen and move your hand. I'm not going to keep harping on about this. This is where my notes kind of finished on this one aspect,
but because this shot with his dad is seemingly shot three inches from his dad's face,
this is where I had a realization that the reason everything else is weirdly out of focus in the
background is I think the camera lens, the focus just got stuck.
The dials folks and got the stuff and they just have to work with whatever it could achieve.
Just keep moving the camera back and forth until it was right.
Yeah, exactly.
That's all we could do.
Damn it Bill.
Like a magnifying glass.
Were you making brownies before you operated the camera again?
Yeah.
So yeah, so he goes to leave.
And by the way, so and his way into the office is the phone call with his way back out three
different times he is reminded that his dad's birthday party is on Friday, right?
Yeah.
And it's like one spy is girlfriend, and I think twice by the reception.
So well, if this guy, this guy has a type when it comes to women.
And that type is the type who'd remind me about my dad's birthday.
It's a niche that it's got lucky to find too to be honest.
Very specific results on many fits, yeah.
But an obviously this meant this is this seems like classic film for shadowing.
He's obviously going to forget his dad's birthday.
Nope.
No, he's that.
No, that's just that that's because this movie trusted audience so little that later
when we're in a birthday
party, where his dad is saying, thank you for coming.
They're afraid that the audience would go like, well, where the fuck are we now?
This isn't the home worth of work.
So okay, then we got this ominous dream sequence.
It took me so fucking long to figure out how much of this was supposed to have been a dream
sequence.
But he shows up at this grave where there's
a beheaded my little pony sitting on top of it. That's a call forward back, which yes,
usually you need to be me in a podcast feud to write a call forward back. But don't worry,
this movie will do it. So I'm going to spoil something just ever so slightly for our audience here, okay?
That my little pony, doll, is a callback to a flashback that we will have at the end of
the movie.
Now, where it belongs in the movie is here, ish.
Right, they'll just never do that flashback.
So it will make absolutely no sense until seven seconds before the credits
run. And even then, not really. Yeah. So we get that. Then we get him alone on a horse
drawn carriage. And ladies and gentlemen, this this actor is not very good. He he fails
in a lot of things. But one real titan of acting moment that he manages here is that he looks her rump fiano horse drawn carriage.
It's true.
That is a hard to fucking do.
See, looks so sad.
But then it so he wakes up, right?
He wakes up at 4 a.m. after having this nightmare and calls his girlfriend to make sure that
the nightmare was not like prophetic.
Yeah.
She wasn't dead and somebody hadn't pulled the head off of
her my little pony, which is crazy for a couple of reasons.
One, because it turns out it will be precisely prophetic, like weirdly prophetic in a way
that makes you question the supernatural events of the later end of this film, like whether
something supernatural going on because he's bang on as to where we're going with this
film.
But the other thing is, like my wife and I I lived apart for the first eight years of our relationship. We lived in separate
cities. And if I called her and woke her up at 4am because I had a bad dream, I guarantee you
should have ditched me by now because I did not have the time to do the first thing you love.
I do this to Heath two or three times a week. And he's not on the show right now.
Right. So yeah, no, I honestly, I saw that scene and I wrote my notes. I'm like, I guess that's And he's not on the show right now. Right, yes.
So, yeah, no, I honestly, I saw that scene and I wrote in my notes.
I'm like, I guess that's one of the advantages of being skeptics that we just forget about,
right?
You know, like nobody would call us and be like, I had a prophetic dream and I think that
you were hurt, are you okay?
Some of our moms still carry those beliefs.
No.
But this, again, this is testament to how badly made a piece of cinema
this is because as he's doing this, waking up from the frettic dream, he lifts his hand to check
our timetres and there's a massive shadow cast on his face, which means he's been sleeping
in the rays of a bright blue light. No, no, one day you're not sleeping at 4 a.m.
right? Like the world's
strongest light focused on you. Like you're trying to be water-boughted by the CIA or something
at the moment. So, okay. So then we cut to David and his best friend. This character's name
is Braden, by the way. They will not reveal that until late in act three, but David and Braden are going to karate prayer practice.
Hey, guys, real quick, before we shoot this scene of us doing karate practice, do either
of you know, and I can't emphasize this enough, any fucking karate?
No, perfect action, everybody.
Let's just think.
Yeah.
Luckily, we know one person who can do Taekwondo and then you're reasonably well,
that reasonably good at it.
And so we'll just do like a split second bit of footage of them before we don't wipe
gloves and just grapple with each other, which is what they end up doing, which is not
karate Taekwondo or anything, I don't think.
I tell you what, it's definitely not Taekwondo.
It's a bunch of things, but Taekwondo, it's definitely what.
What's amazing is that very clearly
this was a case of like this girl and the guy that she's sparring with were like, okay,
you can use our dojo, but you have to show us kicking some ass in the movie to in her badass
high kicks and stuff. And they're like, yeah, no, no, we can, we can work that up.
Yeah. And I guarantee that happens throughout the film. There's plenty of other examples
of like this, see, this location would only let us shoot if we were able to use it as a promotional video for this location.
I've got him in my notes. We'll come to them. We'll come to them. We'll come to several of them.
So we get like three seconds of these two hugging at the karate dojo and then we cut away.
We're going to dance super fancy rich guy birthday party or what these guys think is a rich guy birthday party. Yeah, we're talking double tree y'all candles and jars.
Oh, la la.
Yeah, there's a piano player there doing jazz on basically a Casio keyboard.
Yep.
What is he using?
God, as as they're walking in, the wife, Jacqueline says only 50.
He looks so young. That's those
two clauses are going in different directions. What are they doing in the same sentence?
And then she says, you know, he looks that young because of God.
Yeah. And to his credit, David just ignores her saying that. He's saying he's back to it.
He doesn't react to that. Yeah, that's fair. That is a psychotic thing to say. We'll just leave that one though.
Fresh cut to God standing by dad as he goes to bed. Dude, you got to use an eye cream before
bed. Well, but every day it's also when we find out that dad, his wife has died. So David's
mom's died and David says, you know, he had to pray so much to get rid of his loneliness,
which is meant to be inspirational, but like, so God ignored pretty much all of his prayers
except the last one then.
No, almost all those previous times.
He just like, no, no, I don't think you've prayed enough for your dead wife yet.
So we're going to leave you hanging.
Well, it's and it's not like he's got a girlfriend now or anything either, right?
He's still alone.
That's true.
Yeah, he just doesn't care anymore. Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. And there's
also this great moment. So so Braden, when he's not karate wrestling with with David, every
scene in the first act of this movie will be him rooting over the fact that he loves.
Jacqueline loves David's girlfriend and she doesn't love him back. Murder murder murder murder murder murder murder murder murder murder and a lady walks up to him
and she's like, oh, I haven't seen you in church lately. It's like, yeah, I've just been a
mumbling murder murder murder murder under my breath. This is quarter of the whole time.
He's mumbling how much he wants to fuck Jacqueline.
Yeah. As a stranger walks up. He wants to fuck us so much that he's happy to say to all two relative strangers apparently.
Yeah.
So, okay, so we get that real quick.
And then the terrible Christian singer that's on stage wraps up.
Guys, guys, do Christian people hire like faith singers for parties and shit?
Oh, yeah.
Look, the best part, one of the best parts of this job is that we get exposed
to these tiny, horrifying slice of life moments of religious Christians.
And I cannot think of anything worse than, and of course, we have to book a nice faith-based
singer for your birthday.
If you did that to me as a prank, I'd be like,
I'd be like,
I can't honestly, I could, what I saw's a little too far. Well, yeah, man.
So I can't honestly, I couldn't,
when I saw that in your notes, I was like,
okay, is he gonna suggest that we hire one of these people
for one of our events, or is he gonna suggest that we pretend
to be these people for someone else's events?
I'm in either way.
Yeah.
I think you can hire, not just one of these people.
I think you can hire this person.
I think you can hire the one in this film for any of your events.
God, if you could open the next Gam Live
somewhere in the US with this faith singer.
Yes.
I mean, look, they take it.
They take the book and they don't get a lot of bookings.
They take that book and I'm not the one
with the company card, but the answer is yes.
This woman is hired tomorrow if the boss says yes.
But, but Noah, you actually haven't even more brilliant idea.
We list ourselves as faith zangers.
We do the first song totally straight.
Then there's some choreographed shenanigans like the Mike Brinks.
And we just forget, like we lose our religion in front of the audience every night.
As the app like we get a fifth.
Jesus was really on our side when he break a fucking mic for
phone. What's that? A car crash you
say. Why God why? I'm starting to
wonder if you're even there.
Super bells. So yeah so so
okay so she wraps up her song song dad comes up say you know
Thanks everybody for being here and he's like and you know what we can all really use right now
Is a guitar performance from my son slash the director of this film
David
Are you allowed to just make people sing you a song on your birthday because I'm 100% doing this to heath if you are
on your birthday, because I'm 100% doing this to Heath if you are. And now to play the Maracas for us, he'd been right, everybody.
Get on up there.
Yeah.
And this is by the way, this is like whatever the next step up from Hold on a second guitar
playing is called, whatever that is, that's what David is doing at us, right?
Oh, 100% 100%.
And then he's singing as well.
He's singing is just unintelligible syllables.
Yeah, it's incredible.
He's just like, nezer and er, brilliant.
Yeah.
So, okay.
More of that, please, David.
That was so close.
I'm worried we're going to have to get the rights to that song.
Yeah.
Honestly, yeah.
We're so, like, 15 more seconds.
We could have been D.C.
And made on this part.
Marsh, don't turn around. Toby Keith is right behind you.
You're right behind you. Just told very still and Toby Keith will go away.
Oh, God, and while he's doing this, they go over to his wife and, and so he's like,
oh, I really like your key necklace. Is it going to have any symbolic importance in,
in the movie? And she's like, shockingly no.
No, but ugly jewelry, Christian movie bingo.
Check.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
The fact that they focus on this key so much, maybe you think this is 100% the key that
unlocks David's chassis cage.
That is what that came in.
That he gave on a necklace around her neck for Christmas.
Makes the bear trap off.
Yeah.
There's a whole thing going on there.
But the person who asked this, this is David's brother, who I think looks like sales
ex ex satan in the scene. Okay. It's his girlfriend. And the way his girlfriend speaks,
she talks so stiltedly that I'm pretty sure she's been played by that AI that that one guy
thought was sentient. Because all of you is just reflect back anything you say. She reflects
back with a question about the wedding. How is the wedding going? Oh, it's going great. Is it going
great? I'm glad you think it's going great.
It's just it's not AI.
100% is.
All right.
So I can't imagine mistaking her for sentient, but okay.
All right.
It's pretty dumb guy.
So okay.
So then we get this fucking scene.
I this is not even worth mentioning, but it's so fucking funny.
Because it's supposed to be a montage of David and Jacqueline
in the park having fun, but they're not in a park, right?
They're clearly in that like, liminal green space outside
of a hospital or something.
And the idea of like, oh, it's like, it's like spending
all day together on a traffic island, right?
So.
Just cars whipping around them in the background.
Yeah.
Having a little picnic.
And they're just trying to find interesting things to do
in this really boring space that they walk up to a tree and they examine its leaves
like they've never encountered a tree before.
Right.
It's just you and curious.
The first tree sweeper so much.
It is by far the most boring time anyone has ever spent outside.
All that's missing is like someone's sweet ant to like pop on the screen and be like, you see there's plenty to do in bohook in Wisconsin.
Would you like a real estate tour of a very large house?
Yeah, right. We can't give this fucking thing away.
So, okay, so but this montage resolves with them at church. The pastor is explaining this movie's title, right?
Jesus said, no, don't forgive him seven times,
forgive him 70 times, seven times.
And this, this is a very nice sentiment,
but it's also just a very concrete number for God
to issue to the people of the world.
Yeah, feel it, look after your first 490,
you're off the hook.
Yeah.
Right, because like here's the problem. Like if I say that, someone's like 490, you're off the hook. Yeah. Right.
Because like, here's the problem.
Like, if I say that, someone's like, oh, nice.
I like that sentiment.
But if the creator of the universe said that, it kind of becomes a rule.
Right.
Yeah.
You've got to keep Italian on everyone.
The countdown timer of sorts forms.
Yeah.
So okay.
So we wrap up, church, and then we cut to David and Braden playing
some basketball together. This might be one of the the first times we see a recurring theme
in this movie, which is somebody usually David arriving at a scene in a car, which is 90% of
this film is part of the driving places. This time it's it's Braden arriving somewhere. And he
he pulls up immediately gets out
and they start playing basketball
like four inches from his fairly expensive looking car.
Yeah.
And I really wanted someone to just like trip over his car
as they were going for a jump shot or something.
Ha ha ha.
So he's like, hey, Braden, why aren't why weren't you
in church in that last scene of Braden's like,
cause I'm an atheist murderer.
Yeah.
Da. Murder, murder. Obviously. Sorry, you just constantly mumbling murder in church in that last scene of Brains like, because I'm an atheist murderer. Duh.
Murder, murder.
Obviously.
Sorry, you're just constantly mumbling murder
under your breath.
Sorry, no, you want to play some basketball.
And then, okay, so then we get this bizarre scene
where Braiden, David and Jacqueline are out horsing together.
David gets ahead of them.
And the very first line spoken in this scene
is Jacqueline responding to a line that must have been added out because brain didn't say it.
Yeah, and presumably then the line was I'm going to murder you later in this.
That might be too obvious at that point. Yeah, no, she's the scene starts with her going, oh, you know, I don't know.
I guess I feel a little sick honestly.
And he goes just for the record I knew you before you fell in love with David in case
that comes up later in like a motive kind of way.
Jacklyn, how do you feel about the principle of dibs?
Would you want to marry a man who just ignore dibs?
So good for you.
Also, we have to talk about this.
Jacqueline is wearing the craziest wig possible.
Yes.
Oh yes.
It seems like she's in police custody from a kindergarten production of who's kind of Virginia
wolf.
He's baffling.
So.
Yeah, so we get that scene that we got to them, uh, Braden and David Karateying together
again.
With, I will point out, the exact same shot of their friends who know actual karate, but
from a different act like they just reversed the shot. So it's they're her doing that
thing.
Yes.
Again.
Yeah. She's perfected at 360 and she's going to show it off at every available opportunity.
If they're going to put this in the ad for their dojo, that's going to go up on local television
immediately after this filming is done.
Yeah.
Right.
So there's this great moment too, where there's one of these Christians being too honest
moments where David's like, what's wrong with you, Brad?
He's like, I don't know, I got a lot of stuff on my mind.
And David's like, well, yeah, but the key here is to stop thinking.
It's literally what he says. I'm like, wow, they're more honest than usual in this movie.
Yeah. I think this director is capable of stop thinking. I think thousands of years of
Buddhist theory really come to fruition in this director. I think we can get a cat scan on this
dude. We find that he has this ability quite. Yeah. And it's a really weird
detail, but Braden at this point is wearing a man United top, which is such a weird detail,
but then he's a super entitled guy living on past memories of happiness that he now feels
he's got some sort of divine right to complete.
Completely.
Completely.
Yeah.
So, have that.
Ben, okay, there we get one of the weirdest scenes of all time in any movie.
David is driving home and this movie is like, you know, we haven't really come up with
a plot yet.
Maybe it's an espionage movie.
And then he notices that there's a mysterious man following behind him who then pulls
up a low side of him and shoots at him several times.
Yes.
No, they don't have glass breaking money.
So the bullets go in the open driver's side window
and out the open passenger side window
and don't hit anything.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Also, can I just throw this out there?
Pretty odd to use the only person of color
that will be in the soul.
Yes, as the drive-by shooter.
Absolutely. Yes, as the drive by shooter. Absolutely. Yes. Absolutely. And I really wanted them to never
explain that scene. And I so almost got my way. You're right. Right at the finish line.
They explain it in the most throw away way. Oh, so late that I had to change my best worst
in my notes. Yeah. Absolutely. 100%. So, okay. And then we cut to which I wrote
my notes like we cut to a church so they can pray for a plot. But no, apparently this
is for the wedding. And David and Jack and at the wedding are doing some sort of weird
sensual communion eating. Yes. Thank you.
And I'm feeding each of the communion. It's so strange. Don't think you're supposed to
do an arm hook arm crossed toast with the blood of Christ.
I don't, I'm not here to tell people how to do a communion.
Yeah.
But I'm pretty sure that like I drink from your goblet and you drink from mine.
It's not champagne.
champagne.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You're like, that's not in the spirit.
If you know what I'm saying.
Also, what religion are these people?
Yes, because thank you. There is very clearly a menor in the spirit. If you know what I'm saying. Also, what religion are these people? Yes, because thank you.
There is very clearly a menorah in the background
and I genuinely had to Google,
did you do the Eucharist?
Yeah.
Yeah, they're just vindictive about it.
Now I'm eating that.
And excuse for a snack, right?
A little nash, little savior.
Yeah, no, there's very clearly a menorah there the whole time.
Weird me the fuck out.
So anyway, so we get the wedding.
She throws the bouquet, Braden catches it, but you know, herumphully.
You might as well strangle the bouquet, just like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
Then David sings another song as his own wedding, like four inches from his bride, he picks up a
guitar and sings that in front of the congregation. What a prick. What a prick.
And then, okay, and then the two of them leave on that same horse-drawn carriage from his dream,
right? Yes, oh, God. And I really, because it's the same road, I really wanted there to be another
drive-by from the shooter, but he's driving it like a black horse and carriage
that a guy
that's having a shoot.
Yeah, she says they're in the horse of carriage.
She says this is like a dream.
And I wrote taking a horse and carriage down
a Kentucky interstate in some dream.
Yeah, I mean, it is like a dream.
It's specifically like his dream,
like a dream.
You're seeing him as this is like your dream.
Here in my notes in order, this is like a dream. We will never die. We will never die. We will never die.
They chant louder and louder. Soon my screen is black and they're shouting blows out my
speakers. Never any possible. It's back at all. So I was watching it on 2B and then the
kid. Yeah. When she says that thing about the dream, she does deliver all of her lines with literally all of the enthusiasm of that actress who got kidnapped by
Kim Jong Il. Yes, gunpoint. She's saying these lines. So much so that she has to keep saying her
emotions at the end of them, right? This is like, because she's like, this is like a dream.
I'm so happy. And I went back and got that is the fifth time in this movie that someone just said their
emotions after the words I am, right? It will not be the last. So she said, he said,
well, where do you want to go? And I'm like, you've got to tell the horse drunk carriage guy that
before you get in, man, you're not allowed to decide. But so then we cut over to their honeymoon cabin
for an aliveness montage.
Yeah, and this cabin, when we look around the cabin,
at one point we do, we have a good shot around it.
And I'm certain they got that cabin in return
for taking the shots that they've taken
and using them on Airbnb.
So I think this is yet another case of like,
if you just shoot some promotional footage for us,
you can use this for an entire morning.
It's fun. Yes. I wrote, what percentage of a movie can be montages
before it's literally not fucking good because they're pushing that. Also, they're trying
to do the sexy because they know like sexy chocolate strawberry. But they didn't they didn't
know where to get no goddamn Jewish chocolate strawberries. So they're just sharing a goblet of chocolate moves.
Yeah.
Oh, fucking, it's a big fucking glass of poop is what it looks like they're doing.
Yeah.
Yeah, I thought she was feeding a momma from a fancy glass while while he's reading the
Bible to her erotically.
Why?
The sexy part.
He is wrong.
Yeah.
Throughout the entire scene. So disturbing and upsetting upsetting and it's not the horse sperm part
There are sexy parts
At one point they're doing like sexy moose eating which by the way they suck it because it's just like
Wave in the spoon around in front of your face before you take it right now. It's like here comes the air played into the hanger
She like dabs them on the face with the moose.
And he's like, okay, now you're wasting fucking moose.
He threw it in my nose.
Okay, he threw it this movie.
We're not watching the movie.
But we can fuck just don't waste moose, you're wasting moose.
So meanwhile, okay, so then we cut to Braden
and his girlfriend at a diner talking about the wedding, right?
Oh my God. And they're currently having coffee in what sounds like the corner
of the state exhibition of aircon unit manufacturers.
So loud in the background.
Hey, can we turn off that super loud fan in the background while we shoot our movie?
No, cool. No problem.
All right. Well, there you go.
Also, this is Braden's girlfriend. Leslie, I think, and she, I realize in this scene
that she looks like a sort of a less good Alicia Silverstone.
Like she's like Alicia Bronziston and maybe Noah.
Alicia did not place a stone.
So yeah, right.
So yeah, and so she's like, I thought that was a lovely wedding
and and Braiden goes, like I thought it sucked murder,
murder, murder.
And she's like, okay, well, I'm leaving.
And he's like, no, you're not marrying me.
And she's like, okay.
Yeah.
Every little girl's dream, if they see when I'm for 20,
it escalates so quickly, if they see when I'm for 20 more seconds,
they'd have had to make a pregnant as well.
They just really ran so.
And then we didn't mention this before, but when, when,
when David was talking to his dad about the wedding, he says, yeah, you know,
I bought a house for my wife.
I'm going to show it to her afterwards, right?
So this is her fucking surprise house.
He's going to show her the surprise house that the two of them are going to live in because
he's an asshole.
Look, this is a Christian movie.
And they believe that like, Jesus is going to come back with a sardiness mouth and fight
the armies of Satan.
But by far the least realistic thing they believe is that any woman would want to be surprised with the house
she's going to live in for the next 30 years. Oh, God. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Especially when he drives
up to what appears to be like a model housing estate, I genuinely half expected Michael Bluth to walk
in while Ron Howard was narrating. Yeah was that much of a model housing mistake.
Yeah, so they probably, they popped this house, which by the way, this, this house would
cost you 400 grand and wake for us, fucking Georgia. So I thought they could have used a young
couple sized house, but they decided not to. Well, no, yeah, because he explains here,
it's not just for two, it's for their seven children.
Yeah, right. Yeah.
Uh-huh.
He tells her that he wants to have seven kids.
And she's like, oh, that's a terrible idea.
He's like, uh, uh, uh, we're marrying and Christian.
You don't have a say in this.
And she's like, you're right.
I don't.
You're right.
You're right.
Oh my God.
And there's such a weird bit where he says, I want seven kids.
And then he says a moment later.
So this is a house for nine
and she goes, nine, like she hasn't realized
that they'd both be there with the seven kids.
I don't know how she couldn't do seven plus two in her head.
Well, she might be in the menstruation hot at the time.
They are Christians, yes.
And this is also where we meet the neighbor kid in his dog.
This is Peter and Snoopy.
A Peter is the kid, Snoopy the dog. Yes. Hello, I'm a child. I'm in your, I'm your friend now. Yep. You like me. Oh, you're
a character. He's like, I'm a fucking suspect if you can believe that shit. So and then
so they're going to go into the house and she's like, Hey, you know what? We should probably
pray that there's no second act tragedy that moves the plot forward once we get in there and he's like, you know what, you're right, we should do that.
And then we cut to Jacqueline and David, they're going on a picnic and she's like, you know
what, I've been Craven Pickles and he says, you're having a baby and she's like, I probably
am. This movie is stupid.
Oh, and this is where I realized like when you're actually this stupid, you literally think
someone is pregnant when they do old wives tell stuff.
Like it's not right. Cause like, I remember when Anna was pregnant, she would be like, Oh, I'm a
little nauseous this morning. We may be right. But I really, like idiots must actually be
like, no, well, there it is. Why even bother with that expensive dust from CBA? Oh, God.
And because she was pregnant at this point, I really wanted to be pregnant with all seven
kids at one time. That's why we were going.
Sceptoplets.
Yeah.
This movie is a prequel to that Octimum exactly.
So, okay.
So then we were at a cookout.
All the characters are there named and otherwise.
And this is where.
Oh my God.
David is going to announce to everybody that they're having a cat, right?
Yeah.
Also, I was very distracted because they are barbecuing quote unquote, the most insultingly
thin burger patties I have ever said they have like an a quarter inch of burger burning
to a crisp on the grill for.
Yeah.
Oh, it was Trump, and it was downright Trump, and yeah, it was sad.
So yeah, so David announced that they're going to have a kid, his sister-in-law, the AI
chick that Mars was telling you about earlier, is pissed as though there is a finite supply
of kids and Jacqueline just cut in front of her and lie.
Yes, I wrote, they're acting like they literally stole a baby out of her womb.
Right. Yeah. And the dad is not
making this easy for anyone because he's sort of going, he's basically like, oh, thank God,
there's a grandchild coming up and waiting for a grandchild for so long. And I wanted to turn
to to Jenny's like, you know, not like this baron bitch over there. I'm going to the top,
come on. Sarah, Sarah's what I call her because of the desert.
So, and then the sister in law, this is Jenny is the character's name.
She storms off so that she can cry about the fact that she's not having a baby, right?
Her husband, this character will eventually be named Henry follows her.
And she like, I don't know, testicle, shame, sin for not impregnating her yet.
She says, I blame you that I'm not a mother.
I want and I wrote my notes.
You just had to keep working with your laptop on your laptop.
I wanted her to explain to me to do with his very specific fetish.
Like, look, I've told you before how this works.
If you're doing it there, it's not going to happen.
I've told you so many times. So, okay. So meanwhile, we cut
to David and Jacqueline, they're getting ready to go to church and she goes, will you love
me forever and ever and ever and ever and he goes through all three acts exactly will be
so alive. And we're never going to die. No, we're never going to die. Neither of us will
ever die. So we get to church, the pastors tell it a boring
story about sheep and which is honestly like a pastor's job description, if you think
about it. But this is where we're going to sloppily introduce this, I love this character
so much. Paul the robber. Yes. Paul is incredible. Yeah, everybody keeps saying who's that guy
and they're like, oh, that's, that's Paul. He's the guy who stole Jacqueline's car and purse,
but then she forgave him, turned him into a Christian
while he was in jail.
And now he's friends with them.
Right.
And let's not forget, she's telling this story to David,
which means they made it all the way to married and pregnant
without her ever telling him about the time
she was robbed at gunpoint.
Three years ago.
Yeah. The robbery happened Three years ago. Yeah.
This happened, the robbery happened three years ago and she never mentioned it and he never
asked and it just never came up.
She was robbed at gunpoint.
It's incredible.
And the fact, she says about how like, you know, Paul's in, Paul's in church just to come
and see me, not talk to her because he didn't talk to us.
So he came all the way from prison, I think, to come and see her in church from afar. And everyone is just taking this like a talking normal thing.
Like everyone in town is talking about this new guy, this new pole guy that they've got
these days. You know, have you seen this guy? You've got this guy, but no one's thinking
this is really fucking weird thing. So, yeah. So, and so, and then they drive in home. And he's
like, you know, I don't think we really fleshed that Paul Carrot drug at all.
Would you like to do a flashback?
She's like, I would like to do a flashback.
So we flashed back to the day that she got Carjacked.
And it's a very gentle carjacking, right?
He's not very aggressive about it.
It's also very clear that they shot the scene
where they talk about the thing
before the actual scene where they shot the flashbacks.
Because there's a bunch of stuff that isn't true.
Should be like, I was in the middle of the parking lot.
Nope, you're in the middle of a garage.
I crowded to Jesus and he stopped.
No, he didn't. We just saw the flashback.
We saw the flashback.
Yeah, she's like, I cried out to Jesus and that's when the car jacker backed off.
I'm like, well, okay, but that's also like right after you gave him your keys and your
purse.
Yeah.
Usually hang around for nookies.
He backed off in your car.
It's not backing off.
It's reversing.
He's going to.
And then and then David plays the guitar at us again.
He's like, Oh, well, you know, every good car jacking story needs a guitar solo.
And she's like, doesn't know he's like, it does. It does blackbird singing the
dead. Oh, God, any concentrate is so hard. Anything he tries to every time he tries to pick
out anything like remotely complex. He's really constantly, he's got his little tongues
stuck out and everything is he's trying to find the strings. It's easy. You can, you can,
you can see his lips going and two and three and change. Yeah. So, all. You can, you can, you can see his lips going into and three and change.
Yeah. So, all right. Well, I'll tell you what, to this point, the closest thing we have
to applaud is there were all these people once. So I'm not going to bother waiting for
some obvious fucking act break. We're over time anyway. We're just going to pause there
for a minute. But we're back in a flash with even more 70 times seven. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.
And my trail mix.
Eli, this is just a bag of chocolate chips.
Yeah, that's my favorite part of trail mix.
So I figure, you know, it's fine.
It's fine.
Hey fellas, where's Eli going?
Oh, Nevada.
What?
Why Nevada?
Oh, it's for my mental health.
I'm going to count those ballots, even if I have to do it myself.
I just really can't wait anymore.
I see.
Well, Eli, you know, one way to take care of your mental health is therapy.
Have you considered that?
Sorry, Noah.
Therapy's great, but I don't have time to schlep into someone's office.
I've got ballots to count.
Well, then why don't you try BetterHelp Online Therapy?
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All right, lady, give me a purse and your keys here.
Here you go.
Just don't hurt me back off.
You hear me? Back off.
Sorry. How do I get? Oh, it's the button on the console there. It's a button. Man, technology, huh? Okay.
Okay. Now, how do I... You have to put your foot on the brake. Yeah. okay, yeah, got it, got it. Okay, now I just, I gotta,
the backup cam, you got the backup cam.
Oh, nice, good.
Sorry, so did you have the ticket thing for the parking?
Oh, you know, it's in my wallet.
Oh, first that you took?
Yeah, great, got it, got it.
Wow, 11 bucks.
Yeah, who's the real criminal here, am I right?
Yeah, totally.
Okay, I'll never be in this movie again.
You will not know.
Mm-hmm.
And we're back for more of this shit.
We're gonna rejoin the action with David and Braden
back at the karate gym.
Braden is sick and damn tired of David
and all his happiness and joy.
Yeah, I also, I didn't get to mention this
at like one of the other karate scenes, but in the
background of this Taekwondo dojo, they have an oath of some kind and one of the like
commandments of the Taekwondo oath that is in the background of the scene.
You just read it is I will not misuse Taekwondo.
And let me tell you as a second degree Taekwondo black belt,
very easy of to keep. Unless you make this stupid fucking movie.
They got it. I was going to say, unless, unless I, you try and impress someone by being
a black belt, which in some ways is misusing Taekwondo.
They cannot impress people. I'm also a black belt. It cannot impress people.
That's what I'm saying. Second degree, March, second degree.
Oh, I was when he first degree.
Yeah, you outwrap me.
Oh, well, there you go.
So now we know that Eli could kick Marches.
That's one percent.
A suspicion.
Confir-
Well, are we talking about drunk March or sober March?
Yes.
Drunken master technique.
I saw drunk March rip the head off a bouncer.
Yeah, right.
No, that's fair.
So, okay.
So, then we get, like again, all of these Taikuan do scenes are like four seconds long,
right?
Like one of them will push the other guy over and we'll move on to another scene, which
is going to be in this instance, David and Jacqueline planting seven little treelets as
a symbol of the seven kids that they're going to have.
Okay. And here's the thing, little behind the scenes for you.
When the guy made this movie, he was like, oh, it's going to be so cool.
We'll plant the scenes in one scene.
And then throughout the movie, we'll watch the trees grow.
This guy's an idiot.
He doesn't know how long trees take to grow.
So throughout the rest of the movie, he will be referencing how big the trees are or how big they've gotten or whatever, but it's exactly the same size because
this movie shot in four days.
Oh, 100%. To the point where we see him take all seven trees out of the car from when
he bought them and they're all really small. And then we see them planted and some of them
have clearly traveled in size. Yes. And I'm not freshly planted.
It's like, you already had some trees.
That's why you brought this whole tree metaphor in.
Is that the house that you were renting for the shoot
had some trees?
Right. And you've decided to work with that.
Yeah.
So we get that scene,
and then we were at another family function
with all the characters.
This is the sister-in-law Jenny.
It's her birthday.
And at this point, Jacqueline is like visibly pregnant, right?
Yes.
So much so that Jenny can glare angrily at the baby bump
that she doesn't have.
Not murder, but maybe, not murder, but maybe.
She constantly could bring it up every single time
she gets the opportunity.
She talks about how she doesn't have a baby.
It's like, come on, Debbie, down.
I've stopped bringing this up.
Like, this isn't about you.
Right. I wrote stopped bringing this up like this isn't about you. Right.
So I wrote in my notes, Sisson Losher wishes that they had a baby is her personality.
Yeah.
Because the only thing she ever talks about in this film, she's staring so evenly at the
baby bump.
It looks like she's trying to abort the fetus with laser vision.
At one point, the husband comes over and I wanted him so badly to be like, hey, hey, what
did we say about staring hatefully at someone's uterus?
Huh?
Okay.
Go sit in the car.
Oh, and this is where they very subtly introduce Jenny's earrings into the film.
Jenny, you have earrings on.
Yes, I do.
Would you like a close-up of them?
How about two?
Two close-ups and three zines?
Okay.
And I really hoped it wouldn't matter.
I really genuinely hoped it just would not matter.
I'd have had so much respect for this film if they never mentioned the earrings again.
Like the necklace?
Because yeah.
So yeah, so then we get them cleaning up.
Her inner husband cleaning up after the party and him going like, you know, you've, you've got to get over this her being pregnant thing.
And she's like, I literally, that's my entire, it's my only characteristic, man.
I can't, I physically can't get over it.
Yeah.
She says, you're the older brother.
I want her to be like, you're coming older like a fine scotch.
Why did he need more mature?
So we got back over to David and Jackie's house where
she's marching a pickle pregnantly. She's bald aligned for lighting this pickle. It is
it's sexual. And then then the whole camera it lingers on the jar. The almost empty jar
of pickles is to say, when the last pickle is eaten, come the baby well. It's like some
sort of prophecy. Oh, it's so stupid. She's like some sort of prophecy.
Oh, it's so stupid.
She's like, hey, can you pick me up more pickles?
It's pregnancy food.
And he's like, I will get you all the pickles.
So many pickles.
I will pickle the shit out of you or what?
And I want him to come back with all of the pickles.
Just pallet after pallet after pallet.
After pallet, we're gonna have seven pregnancies.
It was buying in bulk.
I'm saving you so much money this one.
Oh, there you go.
Yeah, right, right.
Yeah, when he said, I'm gonna buy all the pickles. I just wrote my notes.
I will kill this movie script for the shot. So it goes outside to go to work. The neighbor
kid is outside playing a game of accidentally throw my ball at your car as you walk up.
Right. Okay. And and he is going to, I'm going to throw this out there aggressively
hit on David's wife here. Yes. Like this dude's looking to get banned from Q. E. D. for
life. So you and your wife's like an open thing. I'm not so that you don't know until
you ask. Yeah. And then it possibly the weirdest turn in the entire movie
She calls him she's watching this happen out the front window. She calls David and
Says what were you just now talking to the kid about right like they've been fucking and she wants to make sure that Peter didn't tell him
God, it's so weird. It's so weird like I find that incredibly strange
She also emphasizes to David so many times that don't be late. don't be late. You're always late, don't be late.
And I thought, okay, this whole lateness thing is so heavily foreshadowed. What a good movie
would do at this point is she arranges to meet him somewhere, but he's late in getting
to it because he's always late. And then she gets shot either by the blonde guy or by the
random drive by guy. And then it's Paul the car fee who steals
a car in order to take her to the hospital. And then Jenny the AI sister in law, it turns
out that her earrings turn out to be made from highly potent cum and she can have a baby
and it all wraps up neatly.
It wasn't too late to fix it. That's what Marsha's saying. It wasn't too late to fix this.
It was doable. All right. So he goes to work. He gets another call this time from Braden.
Braden's like, hey, man, you want to have coffee with me? What time do you get home tonight?
Are you going to be going home for lunch or anything? Are you just gone for the whole day?
Yeah, and does he hold them up any CCTV or?
If you were going to discover a corpse today, for example, the glory of the Greenland, what time,
when would be the best time for you to not discover?
I mean, I was just right.
Great.
So, yeah, so he's at work.
He's signing some papers, so we know that he's very, very busy, right?
And then his brother comes in to confront him
about his wife being angry about the pregnancy thing.
Now again, small thing, but like the brother's suit is comically oversized.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
Clown is a lawyer oversized.
Yeah.
And the energy this scene is really weird from the way that the brother walks in.
He's acting like he's going to ask his brother for a loan, but like a loan of come is
a way to.
I come to you hat in hand.
This movie has so little idea how movies work that he's like, oh, well, did you go to
a doctor and he's like, yeah, no, we went to the doctor.
That's it.
It doesn't say what the doctor is like.
Let me just went to the doctor and we're like, we can't have a baby and the doctor was
like, that fucking sucks, my God.
So yes, so they talk about that for a little while.
This is like the 47th time somebody tells him, hey, you know, when God's, in God's time,
she'll get pregnant or whatever.
And then we get this, like, working the office montage that is for some reason set to the shopping music from a 90s JRPG.
Yep, it's such a bizarre montage, but we see each of the brothers, we see one brother,
and we follow him, and then the other brother walks it, shot me, follow him, and then we turn the
corner and we see the dentist, they're like, oh, they're trying to do that like shot in the Avengers where you see them all in action one by well, it's just them in an office signing things a bit.
Oh, God, this is the cinematographer showing off.
Yeah, wow, you're right.
And yeah, for sure.
So all right.
So Davis driving home, he calls us dad and he's like, yeah, dad, I'm feeling really foreshadowy.
Like this movie's going to break out in a plot any second now.
And he uses his phone
While he's driving more often than Eli does. It's ludicrous every single shot is him on his phone while driving somebody was gonna kill us
What he's playing candy crush? Yeah, honestly, I'm surprised he didn't hit his own wife with a car
So he pulls up he's brought her flowers because it's their six month anniversary.
Hello, obviously.
Yeah.
In the world's largest vase.
It's not just like a bunch of flowers.
It's already in a vase that he carefully lifts out of the car.
Yeah.
And so he walks in and he's like, you know, he's like Jacqueline.
Jacqueline goes into the kitchen, doesn't find her there.
Doesn't he thinks for a minute about where else he should look
He's calling her like he's trying to find out where the cat's gone like he's expected to be sleeping in a pot of towels somewhere
Shakes or treats or something
So but but eventually he's like oh, you know, I should check for her upstairs and and we have this really ominous
Walking up the stairs
bit where I'm like, I'm excited, right? I'm writing in my nose. Okay. So there might be a plot
at the top of those stairs. I'm pretty stoked about this. Is it strange that the more, like as he,
as the more upstairs he gets, the more the music seems to transition to like Egypt or something.
By the time he opens the bedroom door, we're getting basically a call to prayer in the background.
I thought, oh, did they move next door to a mosque?
Is that why this neighborhood is so empty?
Oh, no, it's right in the middle of the nearest mosque.
Yeah.
So, but of course he finds his wife.
She's been shot right in the fetus, right?
Finds her dead and he literally says, Jacqueline, who did this to you?
Is the plot now?
So, just to fucking watch. and who did this to you? Is the plot now? Such a dumb fucking...
Checkland, who made you fall on ketchup
and then also get them to learn your hands?
So, yeah, but she's been shot and he's devastated.
And then we get this great...
Okay, so apparently the whole church gathered up
to watch the cops remove her dead body.
Okay.
Let's talk about the body.
You mentioned that this was almost your best worst, and I think that was true for all
of us.
They are rough with this body.
They are you hired movers that you found on a telephone pole with this body.
Yeah. It's not helping that this house has the spiral staircase from a medieval castle.
Yeah, right.
Exactly.
If you own access points to the upper floor, the stairs are like you're worried about like
making sure that your enemy has an attack right hand in against the wall or something.
You know, so and and and they're bringing it and we watched for so long.
These two elderly actors who have clearly never carried a fucking body down a stage
that a stairs on the stretchers have to carry this by their bang and then they might as
well be kicking it down the stairs like a movie teenagers backpack on the way to the first
day of school.
Oh God, that scene was worth the price of admission, folks.
So then we cut to David.
He's sadding at a grave stone that we only see from the back because we don't need to
see the front just trust us.
It's carved.
Yeah.
The number of episodes that I'm on this show that we cut to a graveyard mid-scene.
It's every single film cuts to a graveyard at some point.
Yeah. So then he goes back home, around his yard has blurry memories. Yeah, this is a really ugly garden as well
Like these people have the worst tastes and I'm glad she's dead. This is such an ugly garden. It's so over done. Yes. Thank you. Yeah going for a walk by your cold
The sex water feature doesn't have the same gravitas
Also, I just have to point this out, it's just a tiny thing, but during
the flashback at one point, Jacqueline, like plays with the windshime, like a toddler
and he has to be like, uh, honey, honey.
She plays a bit like a cat.
Maybe she is a cat.
Oh, okay.
He explains it.
He's trying to find her in the house.
She's, oh, I think this makes sense.
That's why they had to put that weird ass wig on her to make her look like a human being
to come rub his ears.
Yeah, that makes sense.
So Eli, this wind chime scene, they were so fucking proud of this because this is like
the natural effect because we see her and him sitting down together and she stands up
and plays with the wind chime.
And then we go back and the seat's empty, but he like in the future stops the wind chime. They were so proud of the scene, but it was so fucking stupid because to get
there, it had to be like, you know, a baby batting at a mobile or what? A fully grown woman had to be like,
when chime go, bang, bang. Yes. Oh, there's a yeah, at the very end of it, this is where he goes to uproot that sapling, right?
But they rented this fucking thing on Airbnb.
They can't pull up the fucking sapling, so he changes his mind halfway through.
No, no, I won't pull this tree out, even though I totally could.
One of the rules that was an eliminated piece of paper in the kitchen was, do not touch
the shrubbery.
It was just above the thing about the dishwasher and just below that rule about
the hot tub and not getting it right. Yes. Yeah, there was a shrubbery rule.
Forgot about that. We lose our deposit. Yeah, so he gets all sad and he goes, I will
find who did this to you is the plot. No one is the plot. It has a plot now.
Oh, and I really wanted the killer to be Paul and for
the moral to be forgive no one. Forgive me. I got to help you. A good point was stupid. He's
going to break out and kill you. Don't ever forgive people. See, my money at this point was
on Snoopy the dog for making him be in this stupid fucking movie. So, okay. And then he goes
to the to the gravestone again, right? to mourn his wife some more and the decapitated
my little ponies on her headstone just like in his dream sequence from earlier that I didn't
realize was a dream sequence until I saw this scene.
So he psyched him, right?
He psyched.
So this whole movie takes on a totally different tool and he psyched it.
Well, God gave him a vision, Martin, as God is often wants to do.
That is true.
A very specific vision, which by the way, he doesn't acknowledge here, right?
He's not like, wait a second.
I had exactly this dream.
He's like, hmm.
Well, also, it's like such a dick move from God because it's not like it doesn't help
him in any way to have foreseen this.
No, you could have shown the vision of her being shot and it's so much more useful.
Exactly.
You could have got 80 tears, something.
Yeah.
So and then by the way, he sits down against the graves don't to like be sad and they accidentally
show us that it's blank on both sides.
They do show us that.
And then mid, mid moep, Braden shows up and he's like, apparently I've
just been off to the side this whole time. I could moop with you if you wanted. And
he says, yeah, now that'd be great, man. If we mooped together against your grave for
a minute, yeah, I really wanted to be like, not so wife and child, not law you. You're face. But instead, David's like, you know what, I'm going to find who did this and I'm going
to kill him.
And brain's like, I help.
He's so chipper.
Yeah, no, that's the, yeah, that's the inflection of it.
It is, man, you know, I'm in.
I'll help you move.
Absolutely, yeah.
Oh, can I help?
And so, and then so we get, apparently apparently dad the boss has called David and his brother in
fray. You still believe in God though, right conversation.
All right, sons, I know we have a big busy day of paper signing to get to
to check in that it lead Jesus is still everyone's Lord and Savior.
If you want to check in that it lead Jesus is still everyone's Lord and Savior. And Dave is like, I don't know if he is my Lord and Savior and all the cartoon birds gasp
together, you know, or whatever.
Okay.
He says, where was God when my wife was shot?
But he says it like God is a suspect in the murder.
Not like he's doubting his faith.
It's a real, real tone thing. Yeah. it dances. Never reject God's love. Never doubt him
He's like, you can sometimes you should probably doubt him. Yeah, he's this moment where he's like, look son
Someday you'll be totally okay with God murdering your wife and unborn child. I promise you and it's like, why? Yeah
Totally okay I promise you and it's like, why? Yeah, I think totally okay. You'll think, I know, you'll thank him for this.
So but David leaves without mending his relationship with Christ.
It's still act two.
And he stomps out, he stomps out past the flirty secretary and there's this amazing moment
where she starts praying for him, but can she pray for him in time?
Bob, Bob, they literally, they do a parallel audit where he goes home.
He's considering suicide, but she's praying for him, but can she get to the amen before
he pulls the trigger?
Oh, God is interrupted suicide attempt on our bingo card because at this point, it should
basically be the free square.
Yeah, no, no, yeah, absolutely.
Yeah, good point.
Also he gets the gun from like just a COVID near the front, and that is not a safe place to throw a gun.
Like this guy's kid was going to die at some point regardless. They just got it all
with suit. Yeah, from a gunshot wound. You didn't have a chance to get attached. It's
fine. It was fair this way. Yeah, right. I did almost go with best worst gun safety,
because this is very clearly one of the people who made this movie's real gun.
And he's fucking spinning it around on his finger.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He's picking his teeth with it.
It is terrifying.
That just asks.
Well, then I want to point out, yeah, he just genuinely picked his teeth with it.
He genuinely sucks on the end of it while he's thinking like he's like it's a pencil.
He's absolutely holding.
Yep.
So yeah, but just as he's about to shoot himself, there's a ring on the doorbell,
and he goes to answer it where he finds
fucking ponytail, cop, and his partner, right?
And so now he's gonna confront the cops,
because the cops still don't know who our killer is,
and they're like, you know, like, we're thinking you,
man, at this point.
So maybe you don't want to hurry us along, but.
Why would Jay know where the body is?
There's no matter how I'm a cop.
This is the actual interaction that goes down.
We have a few questions.
So you're saying I need to find the killer myself?
So it's literally.
Yes.
So yeah, he goes, they go, we have a few more questions for you.
And he's like, you should be out in the streets trying to find the killer.
And I'm like, dude, you live in the crime scene.
Yeah, so many movies confuse police work with hide and seek.
It's like he's out there.
Like, and he's waiting for the count to a hundred.
Have you checked all the boats?
He could be in a boat.
Yeah.
So also they ask him, where were you when your wife was murdered?
And said, whoa, whoa, has he not told them that?
Why hasn't he, no wonder they think he's suspicious and maybe a suspect.
If he's not going to tell them where he was when his wife was killed, because we know
the answer to that, he was at work and he's got loads of alibi's.
Why is he hiding that?
Right, yeah, exactly.
They're like, well, you know, of course, you're obviously a suspect and he's like,
get out of my house.
And I'm like, you didn't make it better, man.
Yeah.
He said they say, we need your cooperation.
And he says, and I quote, have you ever held the body
of somebody that you love so dear?
That's it. That's the end of the sentence.
Yes, I forgot to say dead.
It's really important you say dead dead body. Otherwise, yes. I really
wanted the cop to be like Lee. Sorry, dear Lee. I know it's not that bad. It's gonna bother
me if we leave with that.
He also says you need to be out there on the streets looking for suspects. I was like,
what does he picture? They're going to find quote on the street. Yes.
Yes.
But then at the end of the scene, he's just like, weave and they just do, you know, but
hopefully, you know, how cops when you, when you just like get out, they just do.
Yeah, right, especially with your murder suspect.
Yeah, that's, that's being all cagey about where he was on the night of the murder.
Yeah, while holding a gun.
Yeah.
Right. Yeah. And then, gun, yeah. Right, yeah.
And then, okay, so then dad pulls up the check on him.
Now, he's left his gun just sort of sitting
on the table next to the door.
So there's this bizarre moment where he's like,
you know what, I should put it in the back of my pants,
you know, like they do in the movies.
But then the actor remembers, I think,
that it's a real gun and that's a terrible idea and then just puts it back.
Yeah.
So effectively we watch him scratch a high ass crack itch with a block.
Yeah, I need to be clear we're not using hyperbole here.
The two things we have watched this actor do with what is unquestionably a real gun is biggest.
And scratches.
Yes, yes, genuinely does. and he's like, you know, I've been praying about this a lot and God says that you should come live with me at this point.
Yeah, this is what David says. I feel like the killer could walk in at any moment. But why would you feel that? Why would the killer be coming back here now?
There's no, he's got no more to do that unless it's too like gloat
Or check his work, right?
I was just wondering how the investigation is going
Yeah, so dad's like no, you should move in with me
And he's like I really don't want to do that. He's like well, you know
I could tell you all about how Jesus is our strength and our hope is again
That's why I don't want to do that man
It's because you won't shut up about how Jesus is our strength and our hope is to get, that's why I don't wanna do that, man, is because you won't shut up about the Jesus shit.
And this is where he's been dead wifeed into atheism,
which you hate to see it, you hate to see it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But the thing is, his mom's already dead.
So did God try the cancer-moming fail
and then went for plan B the wife?
Oh, right.
How many cracks at atheism is God given this guy?
Yeah. So, and then, so dad notices the gun at. Oh, right. How many cracks at a thizm is God given this guy? Yeah.
So, and then so dad notices the gun at this point, right? He's like, hold on a second.
What are you doing with this? And David goes to grab it. The dad throws it away. Like
he's playing keep away with the dude's hat or something. Okay. This is fucking amazing
because what was supposed to happen here is these actors were supposed to struggle for the gun, right?
And someone, some saint on this set was like, hey, sorry, everyone involved in this film
is an idiot.
That's a real gun.
There's no way we choreograph this film without someone dying.
So you guys are going to have to do cartoon shenanigans for the gun instead, which involves
dad throwing the gun down.
And when David goes to get it, he steps
on his fingers like Jerry and fucking Tom.
Yeah.
Yes.
And then and then David has to like way overreacting a fucking French footballer or something.
He's like, oh my God, my fingers. I can now can't go for the gun.
And how he's rolling around. He's demanding a yellow card. He's going on.
Yeah.
And the dad's like, hey, look, man, you're going to get to see your dead wife and kid in heaven. And he's like, I don't believe in heaven anymore. And he's like, what do you start believing in
heaven again? That fixes that. He's like, that would fix that. But how? His kid was like six months,
he was a six month old fetus. He was minus dream. Is it six
month old fetus in heaven like all pink and slimy and underdeveloped? Or does Jenny like go
to heaven pregnant and have to give birth there? Either way, kind of sucks. All right. So then
we go back to him on a horse. Again, they keep putting them on horses. There's never a fucking
reason for it. But dammit, if there aren't flashbacks on the horse too, right?
Yeah. Yeah. This is her saying that she wants to take their baby on a mission trip right
after it's born. Yes. Yeah. Hey, I want to go somewhere that definitionally is less
safe for our baby. As soon as he's born and he's like, that's a great idea. Yeah. Well,
doesn't he say, how about we take the baby with us?
Yes.
Like, as opposed to what? Leave it here. Like give both and then drop it in the hospital
and go.
Say, yeah. So he has that flashback and then he goes back home. He sees Peter playing with Snoopy.
Oh, this is to see where he's like, he's taking his gun to work with him,
but he's throwing it just in the trunk loose.
Why is he put it in the back of the car?
Because that's the last place that he get to it.
If he needs it, he's got a glove box.
I thought that's what glove boxes in America were for with a handguns.
Right.
We call them gun boxes here.
Yeah, exactly.
But this is the actual line.
This is so good.
This is so indicative of the fucking dialogue
in this movie that was written down and then printed out
and then you paid someone to say it.
He says the kid says,
Hey, is that a gun?
Can I touch it?
And David says,
Hey, that's not for you to touch with, okay?
It's not for little kids.
Oh, God, people, it was just two hours of that. And then so he drives a Peter
gives him a very I'm glad I shot your wife look, right? This is the moment where we're supposed
to go like, wait, did the kid do it? Yeah. Can't fuck his wife. Can't play with his gun.
This is going to be the way. And then I guess this is supposed to be David's Oscar clip. It makes no sense in the movie.
So I'm assuming that he thought this one was the one that was going to win them all the
awards because this is the see where he's walking by that fountain. He gets a phone call
from we don't know who and for reasons that we don't know, he just starts screaming.
They think I killed my own wife in public, but they don't think that all they
said was you've refused to tell them stuff that would rule you out as a suspect. Just tell
them that you were like where you were. You've got a rock solid alibi. Why are you hiding
that? That is fucking weird. Right. Yeah. But then he screams into his phone that he's
going to fight who did that and kill them. Again, just cries
that out in public. And then he goes to a fucking Korean barbecue to meet Braden for lunch,
which is the weirdest choice. First of all, hot pot is a fucking insane choice in the middle
of a vengeance movie. Okay, do you guys know how this works? No, do you mind showing us? He might as well
go to literally Benny Hanna. While they make a fucking onion volcano in front of him.
This is a tiny notch below Benny Hanna. But it's incredible because he's at a Korean
barbecue. So this movie has been set between a Taekwondo dojo and a Korean barbecue. Was this film paid for in part by the Korean
Office for Cultural Impact? If the killer turns out to be John Cook from BTS, we'll know
that's what this was. So yes, we go to the to have Korean barbecue with
Braden. And there's just this hilariously large number of plates
on the table. I posted his audit 11 dishes and he's what spoons some of them on to David's
plate before he got here. Yes. It's so silly. Korean barbecue is delicious, but this
is such a such a silly. I mean, they might as well be doing like, you know, when you go
to Ethiopian place and get that big bread thing in the center of the table that everyone dips in the
it's too festive. It's significantly too festive.
You know, it reminded me of the scene in in pretty woman with Richard Gear just bought
her one of everything for breakfast or whatever. It had that kind of a feel to it. Yeah. So
and then they sit down to their career in barbecue and and Braden's like so, um,
did you figure out who killed your wife yet?
And he's like, nah, no clues.
And he's like, you know who I would frame.
I mean, who think, oh, I think did it is Jenny.
Remember the, the AI sister-in-law, she was super jealous.
That was her, her whole personality.
Yeah.
And so David leaps to his feet as though he has just been shown a bloody fingerprints and
a video and storms out of the restaurant. So apparently he was just going to go and accuse
the first person and he won't suggest it. Yeah. Yeah. 100%. And as he storms out and again,
this shows you how this film was financed, he storms out out of the door of the restaurant and we
linger for a while on the door of the restaurant,
which includes the name of the restaurant,
the phone number for the restaurant
and the restaurant's opening time.
It's so clear.
That's why they had that delicious spread
of a lemon delicious looking
just as laid out when the shot started.
Cause this is their advertising material.
Oh my God, you're right.
The only thing that could have been sillier
is if he had stopped at the host and been like, I'm sorry, I would totally have enjoyed that delicious
meal, including your weekly specials Tuesday through Friday from 2 p.m. before me. But
I've got to go revenge the death of my wife. I'll see you at Taekwondo on Wednesday.
I've got a piece of web. But first, I've got this bill. There must be a mistake. This
bill is way too cheap. You've called me on the charge me. What? This is how much it actually costs, but this is great value. Just use the
awful code, dead wife. Yeah, right. So then, okay. So then he goes to his brother's house
to confront murder, Jenny, right? He walks. He storms and he's got his gun. Right. He storms into the house and he's
like, I demand to talk to Jenny. And Jenny comes and she's like, Oh, David, how have
you been? Give me a big hug. I'm so sorry. And let me say, I'm so sorry you lost your
wife really takes the wind out of your murder accusation. He's like, Jenny, I'm, oh, thank you very much. Oh,
you made brownies. Totally plays out exactly like that. Yeah. And then the dad comes along.
So David had walked in shouting, where's Jenny? You shake it, my wife. They have a shouty
all came about this. And then the dad turns up at the end, like, hey guys, what's up?
Like you didn't hear the violent yelling. Yeah. Turned up at this point. I was in the middle
of a difficult shit. Sometimes you just got to let it finish on its own.
Apparently.
But now importantly, he doesn't accuse her of killing his wife, right?
He just comes in screaming with a gun and then they calm him down.
He's like, you know what, never mind this.
I didn't think this through your way too nice.
You're making it awkward.
I'll be back later.
Sorry, I shouldn't have just accused someone of murder because someone else said their
name near me.
And then he has some more ominous dreams, sweet sequences.
And at the end of it, he wakes up in his car, right?
But we don't know why, why he would be sleeping in his car.
Yeah, we have absolutely no idea.
His car seemed to be parked in the black void from the film under the skin as well. But it's no scene here on this. It's completely have absolutely no idea. His car seemed to park in the black void from the film
under the skin as well, but it's no scene where you're on this. It's completely right.
Page black around him. We've got no idea why he's in this car. And it doesn't matter that he's
in this car. Apart from the fact that he spends most of this film on a horseback or in his car
arriving at places. Right. This is how poorly edited the movie is. He wakes up from the car,
then he pulls up to the house and then we see him waking up on a couch.
Yeah.
So was he pulling up to wake himself up from the man?
Yes.
What the fuck is happening?
Was he dreaming of pulling himself into the drug?
Was he dreaming of pulling up?
Like so much this film opens with David waking up the start of a scene.
It's more than mental, more often than mental.
Yeah.
Do we see that in this?
Right, right.
Or maybe this was a dream within a dream kind of thing, and
ception style.
I don't, yeah.
So we've cut to him pulling up to the house that we just saw him asleep in.
And Peter, the neighborhood kid comes to talk with him and he's like, hey man, just so
you know, if you're, if the plot is that you're trying to find the murderer, I would be
happy to be your pint-sized sidekick.
Yes. Hey, I'm be happy to be your pint-sized sidekick. Yes.
Hey, I'm really sorry about Jacqueline.
She was like amazing spank, bank material in the woods.
I mean, I really wanted this kid to help hunt the killers, like a kind of a Batman and
Robin situation.
Yeah.
A cop and a half of Burnt Reynolds.
I really wanted that for the first time.
Absolutely.
But we find out this kid has been like, he's knows what's been going on because his parents
told them about it.
Yeah.
And I like the idea that his parents are just casually chatting about how David is
trying to find the killer. Like they're at the window, the neighbors with the curtain
twitching. Oh, I see that David fellers back from the Korean barbecue again, expecting
he's acting out a bloody vengeance for the death of his wife and a ball of children.
Also, the people at number 16, you put their recycling out on the wrong day again. It's
all happening in this whole thing.
So he goes inside, it says, there's this great moment because he walks by and there's this big
picture of Jesus hanging up over his mantle and he looks at it and he's like, all right,
you'll stay up for now.
Well, I've he's seen how high his mantle is.
It's above his eye level.
It is genuinely above his eye level, the mantle and the fireplace.
Yeah.
But he'd have to tip he tall to get one of those vases down. It's just, why would anybody want that in their house?
Well, yeah, because then he does, right?
Because he takes down the Jesus picture
and starts yelling at him.
Yeah.
He also, it's just such a tiny moment,
but I have to talk about it.
These people are garbage.
So they have one of those super duper expensive massage chairs.
Oh, Jesus.
And he flops down into it.
But it just looks like he has an Nintendo switch glued to the
arm of his chair.
I thought I genuinely thought it was a tiny TV screen.
It's just so free.
Honestly, based on this movie so far, I was sure he was going to be like, I got this
a sharp image for only 20 or 100 dollars.
It has over 55 settings and can work for more than an hour.
So nothing can work the tension out of my body now that my wife is gone.
At this point, if there were a Christian movie made up entirely of filler of other Christian
movies, it's this movie. Okay. Yeah. That wouldn't make a lot of sense, actually. So yeah.
So then he's like, you know what, this movie's not going anywhere. I should go upstairs and examine the crime scene for the first time in the film.
Right.
It feels like you know, a thought of that by now, but he hadn't.
He goes upstairs.
There's this, you know, there's this moment where it's like, oh, can he bring himself
to go back in there where he found his, oh, he can't, he can't.
He's already going in.
Never mind.
Sorry to get the music all built up.
He can because the bedroom up here, the master bedroom suite is too spacious to resist.
Even with that minute right outside the window, it's still fine.
It's still lovely in here.
Look at all this sunlight.
Oh my gosh, gorgeous.
But this is where he finds Jenny's earrings sitting on the ground.
And I call this.
I call it when we focus on the earring.
Then when you went to see Jenny, I even wrote,
she's not wearing an earring, I'm fucking Sherlock Holmes here.
And then you found the earring.
But then I thought, oh shit, there's 35 minutes left in this.
It's a plant, it's gotta be a plant, it's gonna be someone else.
So I saw this whole thing coming.
Well, because you're sure like fucking homes.
Yeah. All right, well, tell you what,
March Nailed is prediction and we're all happy to learn that the scenes do sometimes connect
to one another in this movie. So we're going to pause on a high note. But first, let me
have the act be the hard sell. Will the movie ever explain the guy who shot at him? Will
the fact that they do karate ever factor into the story? Will we ever hear anything at all
about Paul the car jacket again? Find out out the answer to one of these questions is yes when we return for the gangly conclusion
of 70 times seven.
And those mango steams are they fresh?
Oh, okay.
Well, what does the shipping label say?
Yes, I will hold while you check.
Is when are you on the phone?
It's been busy for like 20 minutes.
Wait, sorry. Does the podcast of Earth's House have a landline?
Oh, apparently, yes.
Anyway, it's Eli. He's been ordering all the fancy cooking stuff that he learned on Masterclass.
Wait, what's Masterclass? With Masterclass, you can learn from the world's best minds,
anytime, anywhere, and at your own pace. You can learn how to skateboard from Tony Hawk, improve your chess skills with Gary Kasperov, or learn cooking from Gordon
Ramsey and a bunch of other famous chefs. With over 180 classes from a range of world-class
instructors, that thing you've always wanted to do is closer than you think, including
fancy cooking, apparently.
Sorry, did you see a Cornish game-hand? No, no, no, no. Chris, I need an Istanbulian
game-hand. Yes, I'll hold again. It's true. I was a master class customer, even
before they became a sponsor. I love their cooking classes, but they also have classes on
everything from comedy to magic, which is why I, Eli Bosnick, personally endorsed it
as a product. Yes, Chris, what's the word on those hands? Thank you.
I highly recommend you check it out.
So this holiday, give one annual membership and get one free.
Go to mathsaclass.com slash awful today.
That's mathsaclass.com slash awful, terms apply.
All right, then.
Good to know, I guess.
So when is dinner?
Uh, 46 months.
It depends on custom with the hands.
I think I'm going gonna just order a pizza.
Lauren.
What is it, David?
Yeah, David, what's the meaning of this?
How caught you?
How could what what do you mean?
You killed Jenny.
No, I didn't.
Oh, okay, sorry about that.
See you around.
Okay.
Well, that was that was weird. Yeah. Okay. Well, that was, that was weird.
Yeah, I can't believe David was just accused you of. Lauren. David.
I'm back. You were the last to see her. Why? Why did you kill Jenny? You killed Jenny.
David, David, just because she was the last to see, Jenny, doesn't mean she killed her.
Oh, it doesn't. Never mind that.
Sorry, I'll see you guys around later.
Doesn't mean that at all.
Also, if you've got like any evidence you wanna handle now,
so you can just stop walking back in here,
you should ask right now.
Nope, nope, I'm good.
No more evidence.
You sure?
Yep, I'll good.
Okay.
Man, that guy at-
Lauren!
Damn it, David what well?
Where did you get that burger you were talking about the other night?
Benicans, Benicans, right?
Did you kill my wife?
No got it
Okay
And we're back for still more of this shit and We're gonna rejoin the action with David getting
pulled over on his way to revenge murder Jenny and what may be, and I know how stuff the
competition is, the most useless scene in the entire goddamn movie.
That's it.
That's it.
Right, this was here to prove to us that they had marked police car kind of money.
Right, but I don't think they did
because later we see a very long lingering shot of the logo of Douglas County Sheriff's
Office police car. And I think again, this is yet another promotional shot that they've
managed to get just comped into the film. All right. Look, if you're going to use Douglas
County, I want you to show a full pullover speed trap situation, but our cops need to look like
they're the good guys, all right?
I wanted to really, I want him to check in multiple times.
Yeah, we're going to use this as evidence to the media that not every traffic stop ends
on a shooting someone.
We can't patchy, patchy record of least, but we can do it.
Yeah, no, that is actually way better than my theory of he just drove real fast through
residential neighborhoods until somebody pulled him over. But yeah. But yes, they pull him
over, check his license, let him go. This never comes up again in any way whatsoever. It doesn't
even make him too late. Like I really wanted him to be delayed. He's gone to Jenny's house.
I wanted him to be delayed by the cop and get there too late and now Jenny's dead as well.
It's all how does this keep happening to me?
So, but nobody runs, he walks into the house, gun in the hair.
And he screams, Jenny, how could you kill my wife?
And she's like, I, I, I don't, I didn't, I didn't as how I did.
Yes, you did. No, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't as how I did. Yes, you did.
No, I didn't.
You, yes, you did.
He says, I have evidence.
Well, if you listen carefully, he shall, I have an avidance.
He has an unavidance.
Yeah.
Not to be fair, Christians don't know what that word means, just as sort of like it's
a perraquist to Christianity.
But what he has is her earring, which could have wound up in their bathroom in more ways
than she dropped it while shooting my wife to death, right?
Yeah.
I think that's actually quite a difficult way for her earring to end up there.
Like, she was the shooter and her earring just fell out in the bathroom and she was so careless as to not notice and not check and leave evidence around.
That's right. The least on the least likely way for that earring to get there.
But also like it. So he found the earring. He picked it up. He put it in his pocket and
he drove over to her house with it. Right. So now the cops who already have said that
he's a suspect have to trust him that the
earring he found was in the room where his wife was killed, right?
So he actually ruined an evidence.
He did.
You did absolutely do that.
But that doesn't matter.
He calls the cops and he's like, I found the real killer and they're like, oh, well, you
called dibs on killer.
So I guess we'll have to go arrest her, right?
So they go arrest her. And just in case
that is how it works, by the way, I just found Lauren Boberts earring next to a murder.
I can't get it.
I'm here.
Along with 200 votes for her opponent.
Yeah, to get some rest and all you have to do is make a single phone call to the police.
The police have that responsive instantly, immediately on the scene. And it's the traffic
stop sheriff as well. So the one police officer in uniform for this entire area comes to do it.
Right, right, exactly. So yeah, so the, the, the, we cut to the past or seeing the news
of this, right, on, on TV. And he's like, oh, honey, let's pray. We know that Jenny isn't
the murderer. It's too early in the film for that. So, uh, we, we, we, we, we, we cut to
the news on TV, which is weird for a couple of reasons.
One is that they use a stock, like a stock audio for the news sting, and it's a piece of
stock audio that George Robb and I'm pretty sure cognitive distance have both used in
the past. So that's the kind of budget that we're talking here. But the news shows us footage
of Jenny being arrested. But there weren't any cameras there when she was arrested,
because we saw, apart from the movies camera, which is the shot that we're seeing, which is
really confusingly better. I also love that as they're arresting him, the cops says,
do you have any weapons? And I wrote, yeah, man, she has a machete in her and Taylor pants.
Also, the news bulletin opens with the anchor saying, on a more serious note, more serious
than what? This is the opening of the news bullet. You haven't said it. There wasn't a
non-serious note prior to this that you're opening on.
Well, so I was hilarious just to think that this was like their follow-up to the like,
you know, clown story or whatever, you know, and then that was the biggest cookie ever
baked on a more serious note, murder. They've unfindly with the death of a pregnant lady. So and of course,
Braden is also watching the news, right? He's watching the news with his wife and she's
like, oh, I don't think Jenny could murder somebody like that and brain's like, what
are you trying to say that I framed her for it? What the fuck are you trying to say?
I'm murder you.
Sorry, sorry.
I just hate it when people don't believe other people
murder deep channel.
What he says is, what do you mean?
There's tons of evidence against her.
Like, yeah, for example, there's that one earring
that I don't know about, yeah.
Case closed.
And then he has to, look, I just like to point this out, this actress has to kiss the actor who plays
Braden. And this actress is Alicia, not placed stone is actually pretty decent, but not in this
moment. She's kiss, she's like, yeah, yeah, she's, she's kissing the way people took a shot of malignant at Q.E.P.
yummy lips are close enough
this counts enough for the check. Yeah, right. So yeah, so, so then we get like David, he's at work
signing papers again. And the brother comes in to yell at him for having his wife arrested
because in this universe, it's, you know, the victim's next of kin gets
to decide who is arrested for the crimes.
But what happened then, in this universe,
what happened is, like, yes, this brother is angry
that his wife has been falsely arrested for murder,
but he still turned up to work with, or even for,
the brother who accused her of murder. Like, I mean, look,
I know that my brother accused my wife of murder and we're all worried about everything,
but those papers aren't going to sign themselves. We've got to get back to the paper signing
mill.
Yeah, the other thing too is that he works for his dad. You know, I really want there to be like a birthday at the office and they're angrily saying, happy birthday.
Kathy from HR. So then we had back over to Jacqueline's blank headstone and damn it if that
decapitated my little pony isn't back on the headstone again. Yeah. And this will never be clarified in the flashbacks, but since we do know that
Brayden killed her because we have eyes and can see, this also means there's a cut scene
for the movie where Brayden doesn't find that beheaded little my little pony.
And he's like, well, I was making a murdery gesture.
Great.
Now I got to get him at the dollar store buying another Bible pony.
It's on eBay.
He's got to get the legit one or something.
Yeah, yeah, buying him in both just in case.
Yeah.
He's standing by himself at the David
stand by himself at the head.
So he goes, I just can't believe it was Jenny is,
is what I'm thinking in my head now.
I just can't believe the plot of this film
resolved.
I think we got like 25 minutes left.
This is right. I'm so sorry. It's my emotion. So then he's back at work. The secretary
said, it comes in. She's like, Hey, you know, I, I, I have more papers for you. Also, like,
obviously, Jenny didn't kill your wife. There's still 20 minutes in the movie left, like
Marcent. Okay. I thought she was going to try to fucking because of the way she leads into
it. Oh, yeah.
She goes, David, I need you to know what's in my heart.
And I was like, this is a weird time to hit on David.
I am soaking wet, David.
All right, every bed I sleep in is a water bend, David, just so you know, oh, yeah.
I'll let you sign those papers.
She pulls an absolutely classic fake.
She's like, oh, she's leaning in.
She's touching him on the shoulder.
I want you to watch in my heart. Jenny's innocent. Also, she's leaning in. She's touching him on the shoulder. I want you to know what's in my heart.
Jenny's innocent.
Also, please ride me right now.
I've really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really innocent.
But and then he's like, but if she didn't kill my wife, then who did?
And she's like, it's, like, Braden has said murder, murder, murder, murder under his breath
for the entire first act of the movie, man.
Obviously, I'm pretty sure it's, it's Braden, the blonde guy that I don't know and have
never met in this film. But I'm, even I'm pretty sure it's it's braiding the blonde guy that I don't know and have never met in this film. But I'm even I can tell that it's bad. I have never
cried. It's so obvious. Other people who haven't seen him know he's the murderer.
So yes, so David heads to church to give that a think. So he goes inside the church and
apparently this was like the pastor and the dad had set up like
an intervention with him to like get him to love Jesus again. I thought I had this down as the
stop framing my daughter in law intervention with the pastor. Yes. Yeah. They're like, you know,
hey, like man, Jenny's not the killer. There's too much movie for that to be the case.
Also, you really need to start loving Jesus again
because this is a Christian movie
and we can't resolve it.
We're not even allowed to play the credits until you do.
But David's angry.
He's like, I've had enough of this scene.
I'm leaving.
And then we get David and Braden horseback riding together.
Again.
All of the fucking, all of the horses miss film.
I hated every single shot of horses.
And his, his a genuinely weird but true fact,
I have a horse phobia.
I genuinely hate horses.
I can, in real life, I'm not bothered about them on screen,
but in real life, fuck horses, they're awful.
So having to see them ride horses all the time,
it's like, Jesus Christ, get all of these fucking horses.
Horses are shit.
And when Marsh wrote that in his notes podcast, listener, I wrote underneath it, knowing how
rentable horses are, this is a terrible thing to reveal to you.
There will be a horse at the next Q.
Oh, we're going to do the next live game from horseback.
Right.
Right.
There's just a lot of horses in your future. Yeah. So yeah.
So David's like, they're on on horseback and David's like, you know, everybody doubts
that Jenny killed my wife and brains like, oh, should I have left more evidence?
Or I mean, should there have been, it would have helped if there was more.
David, can I write out and come back?
And brains like, well, I guess you'd have to be a real asshole to doubt her guilt.
Huh?
With a, with a small penis, you would have to have, and, and, and David's like, yeah, I suppose you'd have to be a real asshole to doubt her guilt. How with a with a small penis, you would have to have and and and
there's like, yeah, I suppose you would.
Thanks for being a good friend, Braden.
Your beard is cut normal along your normal jawline.
That line about the thanks for being a, it's like, oh, Braden, thanks for
being the guy who definitely didn't kill my wife.
It's a real, right.
It's real comfort to know you definitely did not kill my wife.
Really helps.
And now, okay, so then we get another horsing scene.
This time with David and his dad.
Why they having this conversation, they don't need to have this conversation on a horse.
They could be having this conversation, they could have it in a car.
They look being cars, they look to ride, face and cars, have the conversation, have it
on a phone while you are both driving to the same location and we can see you driving
whilst on the phone.
Have that instead.
Okay, I have to point this out because Marsh wrote in his notes in two scenes ago that
he is afraid of horses and the movie as though it hurt him will escalate the amount of unnecessary
horses throughout the film so much so that when
the cops burst into a rest, braiding at the end, I expected one of them to be a whore.
Yeah, yeah.
But when the credits go up, every one of those those credits is on the back of a horse.
Yeah, right.
They put it in the name on a horse.
His name didn't need to be on a horse.
It goes up by itself.
So yeah, but dad tells David's like, you know, I know a little something about dead
whifing. I've been doing it for a long time right now. Yeah. Hey son, come on. It's fine. You're
in the dead wife club now. You know, it runs in the family down the male line. Like in their
team, you know, that's how this goes. It would run down the female line, but they tend to die.
So it has to be down the male line. So then, so we watch Braden pull up at his house,
we watch him park for like a while, right?
Now, like he pulls up and then he has to back up a little,
and he's like, no, I can get a little closer to the curb
like that.
So, and he gets out and David and him are gonna have a conversation.
He's like, oh, yeah, these are the seven trees
that you planted for your,
what, they haven't grown at all since that same
you planted them.
That's so weird because it's been months now.
And then, and again, this is just such a weird thing.
Braden is like, hey,
Aperpo, I'm nothing.
Why don't you sell me this house?
You won't even have to change all the pictures
because I actually would love the pictures
of your dead wife that are up to you.
Tom save you some time and David rightly is like, wait, don't you have a house?
And he's like, yeah, but I didn't murder anyone in that one.
I mean, I like your house.
Yeah, you're out.
I've got all these trees, these lovely trees.
And then Peter the kid wanders over and he's like, Hey, David, will you teach me how to
play guitar?
I mean, this movie can't end without you playing guitar two more times, can it?
And Britain runs away.
Britain's like, oh, hello, I have to go.
Kids, right?
Always acting like they witnessed you murder someone.
Oh, yeah, Britain's like, anyway, yeah, I've got to go because, you know, my, my non-dead wife is sick with my non-dead kid.
You know how it is?
Oh, I'm sorry. So honestly, the way it played in my mind was, oh, you're going to bring out the guitar.
I got to go. I have to leave him now.
sense the motivation, yeah, all makes sense. So yeah. So then, so David, like, is, is guitaring
again, right? Louis, we get him sitting by himself playing his favorite three chords.
He's playing guitar again. Like if he was playing guitar while on horseback while arriving somewhere at the start of a scene, it would just be
the movie in microcosm. But Peter, the kid shows up and he's like, Hey, can you teach me
how to play guitar now? And he's like, I sure can. Just watch me play. And I won't tell
you anything at all about what I'm doing. He's like, that's how learning works.
That is how learning guitar works. This kid just walks into his house. Like out of nowhere,
this weird kid has got into his house. You know what? That's the kind of lax home secluded.
I guess your wife killed my wife. I saw those locks. And he says, Oh,
apropos of nothing on the night your wife died. I saw everyone who came in and out of your house.
And he goes, oh, good, because
there's only like eight minutes left in the movie. And it's only been month since my wife
died. You didn't want to mention this to anybody, not even to your current and twitching
parents who're going to talk to someone. All right. Yeah, exactly. But he's like, yeah,
you know, I saw that lady Jenny. She came and then she left in your wife, wave two,
where he's like, wait, was she dead when she wife waved to her and he's like, wait,
was she dead when she waved her no?
And he's like, no, she wasn't.
And he's like, did you see anybody else coming?
He's like, yeah, man, you're a blonde friend that goes murder, murder, murder all the
time.
He showed up afterwards.
Yeah, I saw the blonde guy enter and he was carrying a gun and a sign that says, I'm
here to kill this guy's wife, I thought nothing of it at the time.
Like this ex-Gulpatory evidence arriving this late in the case, it's like serial all over again.
Like Thomas Smith is going to go crazy on Facebook about how Jenny
still clearly, it's still clearly Jenny.
I don't care whatever comes out as Kelly's Jenny.
So he's like, here, go play with this guitar, Peter.
I have vengeance to carry out. So he goes down to the basement
with a sledgehammer, you know, break that floor open or whatever. Honestly, if this
turned into like a John Wick scene of like him killing his way to Braden, this I would
like, I would forgive an awful lot. But he has to kill his way through his family for
some reason. And a bunch of horses. Hey, if he's killing his way through a bunch of horses, I'm still in me back on board.
There you go.
So we cut over to Braden's house.
His wife is cooking, but she birds herself because she forgets how convection works.
Oh, fucking dumb.
Nice spice rack though.
Both, both Martian, I were like, ooh, spice rack.
It's a really nice spice rack.
It's lovely.
It rotates around, but it doesn't rotate around like it feels like it would take any amount
of energy to move it, but it feels like it's exactly the right amount to where you want
to go.
It seems very intuitive.
I like it.
Yeah.
Perfectly counter weighted.
Well, we started this podcast.
We used to talk about people's asses and dicks.
And now we're like, yeah, spice rack.
Yeah, we've gotten older.
Yeah, you should have a listener who would tell you where like the actress's boobs were
on film. Now that it's just sent you like where you can buy the spice rack. Yeah, we've gotten older. Yeah, you still have a listener who tell you where like the actresses boobs were on film. Now the distance is sent you like where you can buy the spice rack.
Yeah, right. It's a bit of a, it's a bit of a, it's a place. Yeah.
Come on, Jackie. So, so yeah, so she goes to look for a towel to dry her burn on no idea. But
under the towels in the, in the bathroom, that's where Braden keeps his secret. I killed Jenny stash.
Yeah.
And let me just stop here for a second to say
that whatever comic hyperbole I was going to try to come up with
to be a ridiculous I killed Jenny stash,
the movie is so much sillier than that.
There's a confession note. Yeah, right. He's got a
confession note. He's got Jacqueline's key necklace. The one that was the key to David's
chat and he fell. Oh, I miss that. Yeah. And he's got pictures of Jacqueline and David with David
crossed out in a ludicrous way. It's, it's, it's, it's an I kill Jacqueline Shrine is what he's got here.
Really? Yeah. Well, he's going to put it all together at a lovely scrapbook eventually. He just hasn't got around in the
bathroom right there in the main bathroom by the piles of clearly fancy soaps and hotel
miniatures. He's right. Yes. But right, it's two towels down in the stack. Right. Let's
just like, well, I can't imagine that she'll need two towels on the same day. So yeah, so but she reads the note.
And meanwhile, Raiden comes home, he sees the abandoned pot.
Right?
And he's like, oh, well, this has some very end of the movie vibes going on here.
So he heads upstairs to find her.
We start here, like heartbeat noises in the background.
We cut to David, he's driving there just as fast as he can.
He calls his brother and he's like, Hey, I found the real killer and it's not Jenny.
And the brother's like, Well, that really kind of ruins the finale of the movie. How about,
I can't hear you. We have a bad connection. He's like, Yeah, that's way better way better. Okay.
Cool. All right. That misunderstanding will make sense and keep the attention of the movie going
as long as you don't spontaneously know what I said on the phone later in the movie.
So yeah, so we cut back to Braden's house.
He finds Leslie, his wife on the floor with all the murder evidence
arrayed before her. Like I feel like she knows what time he gets home would probably not.
But at any rate, she and she says,
how could you be so evil? And he's like, I don't believe in God like dumb and anything.
I'm a naviest. This is super bad. I think it's the first time we found out the first
time I heard his name. I generally think it's the first time I heard Braiden's name because
at this point, I heard his name as raiden. And I thought, oh, wow, he's called raiden.
Did he kill Jacqueline by like electroccuting it to death into the head explodes?
Just appeared behind her.
It was really weird.
Honestly, if in the murder scene,
he had flown across the room and her with both fists outstretched,
this is my favorite movie.
No, so yeah, actually,
Marce, I knew his name because I checked the IMDB page at a certain point,
because I had to keep writing down karate friend and I wanted to stop doing that.
Yeah, I tried that but every time I did, Google just told me, you're 490.
So, I know what's 179, man.
But yeah, the first time they mentioned it is actually like two scenes earlier when the
secretary says, well, maybe it was your best friend and he goes, pray, that's the first time
the name ever appeared. So, yeah, so she was your best friend and he goes, pray, that's the first time the name ever appeared. Right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So, yeah.
So, she's like, how could you kill Jacqueline?
And he's like, now I might have to kill you too.
And she goes, like you killed Jacqueline.
And he's like, yeah, well, yeah, I said, I said too.
Yes, I'll basically like that.
I wanted this conversation to be an infinite circle.
Please.
Just like, yeah, yeah.
But now I'm going to kill you like jackal.
I'm so confused.
Are you doing like a rabbinical question, my answer, a question thing?
Yeah.
All right.
Are you doing like the end of Dr. Strange?
Where is he?
If you just keep asking a question and I keep answering in an infinite loop, we're trapped
here forever and no one thought we were trying to do.
So yeah.
So so we flash back to the to the night of the murder, right?
And we see and and nothing happens, right? He just walks into the bathroom. He's like,
Hey, Jacqueline, I love you. And she's like, yeah, no, I know we did that at an earlier
seems like, now I'm going to shoot you to death. And she's like, oh, no, shoot me to death.
I will say if you bring a handgun to your love confession, I don't think you're there
for love.
No, that's fair. That's fair. So, but then we come back out of the flashback. We cut
over to brother, right? Brother's going like, Oh, you know what he said on that static
call. I found the real killer and it's not Jenny. That's probably what he was saying.
Now, now that I think about it, sorry that I didn't have mint mobile, but now I understand
it because he was on radio delay. And he's saying this to Jenny and Jenny seems really relaxed talking about David and
what's been going on when David just had Jenny arrested for murder and she's like, oh,
yeah, how is David?
How is he doing these days?
Is he all right?
Yeah, right, right.
So yeah, so but then we cut back to David.
He's showing up as I guess Braden is tying Leslie's hands behind her back
as is the prerequisite to murder. I guess this murder is going to involve tying you up
for some reason. Yeah. So yeah. But so just then David comes in and he says, ah, finally
I can confront you. And he's like, no, no, I still have to have one more Jacqueline flashback
to sort of like flesh out that my little pony thing.
That was from when we were kids.
Yeah.
Together.
Also, I really wanted them to come out of the flashback and he's just gone and he's like,
shit, he distracted me with the flashback.
God damn it, dude.
But did we see the my little pony in the flashback?
Because he handed her a flower and I tried to watch it.
I was like, I can't see a my little pony there unless the version I was watching was different.
Like I got a European cut where they were going to show you, like, decapitating my little
pony. No, I don't think they're like, I think we're supposed to think that he messed
up her horse and he's apologizing for it. I think, but I think they actually cut the scene
where that happened from the fight.
Yeah, which is incredible.
We see him put my decapitated my little ponies on her graves on multiple times and we
never actually fucking tell why no.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I know what you're thinking, listener, you're like, oh, this is why they've had these
two guys doing karate practice together every time we've seen them before, it's so
that they can have a big karate fight right here in the, oh, nope, it's over never mind.
Here's what I want you to picture for this fight choreography.
I put a milk dud in the folds of my tum tum and without touching me, Mars is trying to
get it. Yeah. Just anyone who was that Sunday night, QED knows exactly what he's saying.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Anyone who saw drug Marsha work knows exactly what I'm describing.
So, yeah.
So, so, so, Braden eventually he gets the gun and then David gets the gun back from him
and now he's going to shoot him, but then he realizes that he still has to forgive him 489 more fucking times before he's allowed
to do that.
Well, I've folded it in a half if you count the unborn baby.
I was so sure this movie was going to end with him just being like, all right, Braden,
488 left to go.
Yeah.
No, but he basically does, right?
He says, I forgive you.
You killed my wife and my baby, and I still forgive you.
And Leslie, the wife is like,
why don't I'm a strength?
You're a...
Yes, he is the best.
Yes, it's great.
Leslie's my year-old.
She's the perfect misdirection.
Good show.
She'll give me, making me kiss you in multiple scenes.
You look like a model for boys t-shirts.
Yeah, but then, but David stops her before she can kill him.
And then we see the screen blacks out for like a while and then we get cops arresting
Braden, but they're not arresting him lightly like they did with Jenny because he's the
actual killer.
They're arresting him like a bitchy teenage stepson.
They're like hands behind your back.
He's gonna want to go off.
And then and and I swear this is how the movie ends.
David sit in his driveway.
He's tending his little saplings or whatever.
And Peter, the kid comes up with the guitar.
He's like, we should like to play one more guitar song for us before this movie's over. He's like,
okay, I guess.
I guess if you absolutely need that fifth guitar performance, the little boy, I can do it.
And then again, just to clarify that shooting, literally the movie is seconds away from
ending. And we hear like, there's just the news. That shooting was also braiding. Okay, sorry about that.
Yeah, right.
It's so good. It's so good. We found out great in Kilda and months ago, he also hired
a hitman to do a drive by shooting on David and that was unsuccessful and that's that thing
that you saw that time. Oh my God. Yeah, so he hired the bad guy hired a hitman to kill David. The hitman shot at him once
missed and was like, well, I'm in a guess you win some you lose some. They call me one tried
Charlie. If you are persistent, you've got to go up a level in terms of banding for pay grid here.
You only pay a couple of dollars.
This was like a one attempt, no further than that.
You found me on Fiverr.
Yes.
The hit man, he hired the hit man, but he didn't pay him.
It was just like, look, we'll film the execution.
You attempt the execution and then you can use that in your corporate videos.
And then that's it.
It's a quid brokro kind of thing.
We've been doing the MB and B.
Throw it to Korean barbecue and I'm in.
So yeah, though.
So I go back and delete best words forgotten gunman
from my fucking notes.
Have you covered with something else?
Don't worry, the movie gave me plenty of options.
But this, this totally changes the balance of this film
because David was shot at by a hitman and told nobody
right and as a result the person who hired that hitman killed his wife and child.
It is David's fault. His wife and child. I didn't even think about that but yeah.
I mean, to be fair, that hitman was at 489 forgiveness. So that hitman had tried 489 times.
You better believe David would have taken him for care. that 489 forgiveness is. So that had been it tried 489 times,
you better believe David would have taken him for a cab.
So yeah, so we get David back in church now believing in God,
like he should.
He monologues about the importance of forgiving.
And then they pan up from the grave,
he stand the grave monologuing to her about how, you know,
all right, 487 to go.
And then I'm going to kill him, other fucker. And then the camera pans up and for one brief
shining second, it's in focus, right? They happen to come across some leaves. They're
perfectly in focus. And then it loses focus in the credits. So close. So close. And then
and Mars was kind enough to paste this into the notes in case we
escape the instant the credit started, which we did.
It ends on a shot that says, if you would like to invite Jesus Christ into your
heart as Lord and Savior, pray this prayer.
Jesus, I know I am a sinner.
Please forgive my sins.
Wash me with your blood.
That's so weird, gross.
Come into my heart, Wash me with your blood. That's so weird. Gross. Come
into my heart, even we're even grosser. Yeah. Baptize me with your spirit. Be my Lord
and savior. I give my life to you. Amen. Oh, fuck. Am I Christian now? Cause I read the
whole thing. You see, yeah. Damn it. Now Noah goes back to his home dimension. But
what I will point out is behind that prayer is a shot of some trees,
a field, an amount in all out of focus. Yeah, so out of focus. Real oil painting looking. Yep.
All right. So any takers, anybody want to invite Jesus into their heart while we have him here?
All right. Well, then I guess that's going to do it for our review of 70 times.
But that's not going to do it for the episode yet because we still need to tempt you
back for some more.
So Eli, tell us what's on deck when a national tragedy turns into a personal vendetta for
aspiring politician Cornelius Barla.
Oh, Religion comes to the forefront of public debate a
National debate like so many that disguise the real agenda by using words like uniting inclusion and
existing wait that is that the actual description of the actual description of We'll be watching one sure
I'll be launching one. Sure.
No.
Oh, I bet the writing's great in that one.
All right.
So with that to look forward to,
we're gonna bring up some 378 to a more simple clothes.
Once again, a huge thanks to Mars for helping out today.
Be sure to check out the show notes for links
to hear more from him.
And perhaps even a huge thanks to all the Patreon
owners that helped make the show go.
If you'd like to cut yourself among there,
actually we can prepare episode in addition
to patreon.com.such.com.
And there by your own early access to an ad
free version of our episode,
you can also help attend by the next five star Star Review and by showing the show on all your
various social media platforms.
And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the Skating Aide
and the Ascitation Data D&D Minus and the Skapper Crack Available Wherever podcast live.
If you have questions, comments, or suggestions, you can even go to my Godopflin movies
and Gmail.com.
Legal Services of this podcast, provided by the law, this is the P. Andrew Tories, Tim Robbins
and next year on our social media, our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotting
and Jeff Stommer, all of the music was written and performed by our audio engineer,
Morgan Clark and was used with permission.
Thanks again for giving us a check out this week for a healing line right in the Eli Bosnia
Gamma No Lusions promise to work hard and earn another check next week until then.
We'll leave you with a breakfast club close.
Leslie gave her murder baby to Jenny in one of those two birds one stone situation.
Oh, nice.
Henry eventually did learn which hole the penis went in.
The Korean Baptist Church that agreed to sponsor this movie have no idea how good or bad it was because they don't speak English.
They know it's not a focus!
He doesn't get it!
The word for glory.
You playing God of War, but in the New God of War?
I'm not.
Oh, you gotta play it.
Oh, it is.
Oh, it is. O, it is upsetting lead Jewish.
Fucking great.
So they got Toby from West Wing to play him.
Okay.
And he's great.
He's doing a great performance.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Everyone in the game.
And by that, I mean, the pixels on the screen are like, he's like, come on.
I'm sure we can work something out here.
And fucking Kratos is like, I think it's a normal
amount of funny, normal, everything.
God, my son here just, can you, we were gonna have, at one point, they like sit down for
a meal and I really wanted to be like, is this coach, do you keep a coach?
The preceding podcast was a production of Buzz on the Thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2022,
all rights reserved.
Is this coach, do you keep a coach?
The
preceding podcast was a production of Buzzle Nathana
Storm LLC Copyright 2022.
All rights reserved.