God Awful Movies - 389: The President Goes to Heaven

Episode Date: January 31, 2023

This week, Michael Marshall joins us for an atheist review of The President Goes to Heaven; a film that will -- for better or worse -- keep you guessing. --- If you’d like to make a per episode don...ation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Check out more from Marsh on Be Reasonable and Skeptics with a K Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

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Starting point is 00:00:00 And then the doctor says it's okay. I've been married seven times and they all left and took everything I own And I'm like that does that's not okay. We're not things are not better now You check you on helping my dude. You want no help in the Also full marriage is in freedom come on Four marriages in pre-dop. Come on. You're gonna play. Yeah, you're gonna play. Yeah, last three I blame on you, man. Okay.
Starting point is 00:00:27 Okay. Marry me divorcing steal time for you four times. Shame on you, man. You're divorcing steal time for you five times. That's all for movie. Movie. Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be friend, he then write he'd welcome back. I'm so confused. I have no idea what happened. This is normally like a crazy thing that Eli does as a prank. He's not even here right now.
Starting point is 00:01:10 I don't know what happened. I don't know. This was definitely a prank though. Unfortunately though, he will be unable to join us today, but in his stead, we're happy to welcome back our favorite guest, massacres. That's right, Cara. Deal with it. Michael Marshall.
Starting point is 00:01:24 He is the co-host of the skeptics with the K podcast, the host of incredulous and project director for the good thinking society. Marsh, welcome back. Hey, hey, it was so a couple of things. Couple of things. First of all, lovely, be back. Always an absolute pleasure. Second of all, I know that you're bullshitting when you say favorite guest masochist because unlike Cara Santamaria, I listen to this show, and I know that you say that to him. So Kara will never find out that that was you both shooting her, but I know I'm fully aware of these things. Right, I should have gone the other way.
Starting point is 00:01:53 I should have had you and then Karon when I pulled, and I tried to pull that off, yeah. Kara comes out from behind a curtain, attacking Marsh, like Jerry Springer. Yeah, is that Kara that carousal? Walk on music with your hair. So tell us see what we be breaking down today.
Starting point is 00:02:15 We watched the president goes to heaven. It's the story of whatever Noah and Marsha tell me it is. I'm going to have a lot of questions. Yeah. Yeah. Legit contender for the weirdest shit we've ever watched. So buckle in, ladies and gentlemen, I don't think any of my notes do not end in a question mark. Like we have this. There is so much caps lock in our nose. And Marsh, how bad was this movie? Well, if you like a movie with a moral tale, but you really want that lesson to come from someone whose politics are as unfannable as their views on 9-. You will love this movie. I don't know what anyone involved in this film thinks or believes either happened during the reality of the real world or happens
Starting point is 00:03:12 after you die. All of it is a complete black book mystery to me. Okay, it's the story of whatever Noah tells me and Martin. What happened? Okay, so well, here's the thing and this really throws you right. So if we tell you that we're going to watch a religious movie about an evil president, you could be forgiven for thinking that we're talking about a Christian movie about Schmurak Schmobama, right? We've done Christian movies about Schmurak Schmobama before, but that's not what we were watching. That's what we expected to be watching. But we were watching and we discovered 48 minutes into an hour and 20 minute movie that
Starting point is 00:03:50 we were watching a Muslim movie about Schmurge, Schmubbel, you, Schmush. Okay. Yes. Right. Absolutely. At one point, I was like, okay, they're going after George W. Earlier, I was like, is this about Clinton, Obama? I'm not sure.
Starting point is 00:04:04 But yeah, right. But I couldn't always tell if they was pro, George W. Earlier, I was like, is this about Clinton, Obama? I'm not sure. But yeah, right. But I couldn't always tell if they were pro George W or not. It became clear really really lit on, but there were times that I can't tell that they were critical of it. Oh, I'm not clear still. I'm going to be asking throughout like, what team is the movie on about like well different, very major geopolitical issues that they will address. Yeah. Well, the thing is, is that they don't know what they will address. Yeah. Well, the thing is that they're not what they're talking. Yeah, this guy is not on any fucking team, right? He's all over the goddamn map. It's a it's a delight trying to decode this thing. Okay. But we agree. This is a Muslim movie.
Starting point is 00:04:36 Yeah. That was by summation by the end. This is from this movie is in favor of the Muslim faith at the end of the day, right? Absolutely, yes. Yeah, it's a surprise Muslim movie. It's such a surprise Muslim movie that I wouldn't be surprised at all to learn that that the guy genuinely converted Islam midway through the making of this film and had to do a hard pivot in the script. And he just like ran onto the set like John Cleese and he was like, nobody expects the most of the main criticism. That's... All right, so is there anything you just want to nominate? This one for me, the best, to be the worst at?
Starting point is 00:05:14 Oh, absolutely, absolutely. So first of all, I was thinking it might have to be the best last five minutes of anything. That was my own momention, because I promised you nothing you have ever experienced and more unexpectedly and inexplicably than his movie. We will get there eventually we'll get there. It is shocking. It is. It is still burned into my god damn eye. You know how insane it sounds so far based on what we've said. It's so far beyond that for the final five minutes.
Starting point is 00:05:43 It really is. It really is. And that almost topped it, but it didn't display from the absolute best worst for me, which was best worst how to end a scene because all the way through this film, the conversation is constantly stopping because he shit himself. It's like recording with Eli. It's like, it's happened again. Can we take five to sort this out? At least do you, I know, it's not a play through sometimes when you really.
Starting point is 00:06:07 Right. Right. I just, I love the listener experience at this point, right? Because we're like, it's a Muslim movie. And now you're just like, again, the scenes constantly stopping because somebody shit themselves. And he's not, that is correct, right? That is what happens.
Starting point is 00:06:22 The last five minutes are even weirder. So yeah, buckle the fucking listeners. Yeah. If this ever goes on to like Amazon Prime and it gives you those kind of full word descriptions, like two to one you'll have to be Scatological Islam. Yeah, no, I think it's a Vendoy gum of one thing. I think it's shit, shit, shit Islam. I think that's the end of the description. Well, so my best worst is not going to straighten the audience experience out in any way,
Starting point is 00:06:49 because I have, and trigger warrant, consider my best worst of fucking trigger warning, best worst rape apologetic. Yes, good lord, yes. I'm sorry, best worst. What happens? Shilds rape apologetic. Keep in mind, we do Christian movies for a living.
Starting point is 00:07:06 Yeah. Yikes. So just before warned, that's coming in act one and apropos of not one goddamn thing. Yeah. Sure is, that's real. I was gonna go with best worst human beings speaking words. So it's a motion picture of actors doing human beings speaking words. So it's a motion picture of actors doing human being speak words throughout.
Starting point is 00:07:30 Yeah, when I say speaking, I really mean reading because nobody is off book. They're all reading from a script that is just off camera in every single scene. So they're doing that. And it's like the script was was like a ransom note made of magazine cutouts. They're reading it as if that's the case. And the kidnappers like a five year old who's like, you know, bad at gluing had to use lefty scissors when he's a righty. It's real bad. It really is. They spent so much time looking off camera at the script that there is so little eye contact in this film that it feels like I'm back at a skeptics conference. It's in the press. Yeah, no, to give you an idea how crazy this fucking movie is none of us went with best worst wig, right? We'll get there. There's a high content
Starting point is 00:08:18 of there, but we know, but none of us. I had a journey about the wig throughout my life. And it was very exciting by the end. It's wigs singular. It's not even best worth wigs, it's wigs singular. Yes, right. All right, well, I'll tell you what, this movie creens off course so often that we need a break inspection before we review it. So while we take care of that, we're gonna take a quick break,
Starting point is 00:08:37 but we'll be back far too soon with all the outright bad shittery that is. The president goes to heaven. Hello, welcome to Typical Soul Selling Experience. How can I help you? Yeah, I'm looking to sell my soul. Well, obviously, what for? Well, I tell myself every new year that I'm going to get in shape. A couple weeks later, my resolutions, they're in shambles, and then I beat myself up about
Starting point is 00:09:03 it, and then I treat myself to some cheese as an apology for going so hard on myself. But then I beat myself up about that. So, you know, I figured maybe selling my soul to be condemned to eternal torment after I die might be easier than actually sticking with an exercise program. So here I am. Well, if you want to get in shape easily, why not just try Fitbot? Oh, what's, what's Fitbot? Oh man, Fitbot is great. Noah, hey, what, what are you doing in, oh, no, no, no, I'm sorry, I heard it, I heard
Starting point is 00:09:35 it. So, but yeah, but Fitbot is an app that creates a workout routine that's personalized to your goals, fitness level, and available equipment. It learns from your previous workouts and adapts as you improve so you can keep the momentum going all the way through the year. Wow, that sounds great. Yeah, I've been using FitBod for a while now. I'm explaining my workouts easy, and it switches things up often enough
Starting point is 00:09:54 to keep me from getting burned out. I spent a lot of money on exercise equipment in the past just because, you know, the dust has to go somewhere, but FitBod actually keeps me motivated. Plus, a full year of FitBod is less than the cost of a single session with a personal trainer. All right, good stuff. How do I sign up?
Starting point is 00:10:10 Join Fitbot today and build a routine that lasts all year. Get 25% off your subscription or try the app for free at fitbot.me slash cam. That's f-i-t-b-o-d.me slash g-a-m. We'll do. And, uh, yeah, sorry, uh, Demon Guy, I guess I won't be selling my soul today after all. Good, because it turns out we've already got it. You really? Yeah, yeah, you sold it in 96, so there could be a sequel to speed. Speed, oh my god, that's right. That's right, so worth it though.
Starting point is 00:10:43 Well, if you say so. So good. Hey, C. Tom, thanks so much for coming in. Hey, yeah, no problem. Thanks for agreeing to help with my movie. Yeah, man. Well, you know, we wouldn't want those pictures getting out now. Damn right. You wouldn't. So, yeah. So, so, but here's the reason we'll be asking and we just, we just finished going over your script and we have a few A few questions questions. Yeah, sure by our way, so
Starting point is 00:11:11 what is um Mm-hmm and any of it Sorry, what? So I think what Rupin's asking is What the fuck do we just read? My, my movie. I don't get the question. What are you guys talking about?
Starting point is 00:11:29 You're okay. So, so like, like it starts out, like it's going to be about this president learning is less than then becoming religious because of a near death experience. But, but then it spends a bunch of time on child rape, apologetic. And then there's all this stuff about the comatose presidents poop and then out of nowhere for like 20 minutes. It's a 9-11 truth or movie. And then the doctor's wife leaves him for no fucking read. Nothing ever comes back or matters. So like, like what is your movie about? Oh, a la, a God of Islam.
Starting point is 00:12:12 What? Yes, yep, it's about the truth of the Islamic faith. So that's the movie. Okay, well, I mean, that does expand all the childhood politics. Okay, so, but, so, but Tom. Uh, C-Tom. C-Tom.
Starting point is 00:12:27 Uh, it's a lower KC, Tom. What, whatever. How, how could you tell he was sitting with a capital C? You heard it. Larry, Larry, Larry, hold on. So I guess my question is, why would you want to make this movie?
Starting point is 00:12:40 Oh, yeah. So, uh, fellow named Eli Bosnick said he'd give me $1,000 to do it. Apparently, some kind of revenge against the guy named Keith. So, uh, fellow named Eli Bosnick said he'd give me a thousand dollars to do it. Apparently some kind of revenge against the guy named Keith. So, yeah, I see. Something about penguin pants. So, so what Larry just... And we're back for the breakdown and I'm gonna give the movie a little bit of credit to start I don't know that we've ever seen an opening second that better encapsulated just what a piece of shit we were in Like the quality of this is so bad. I looked at the bottom right hand corner of screen expecting the time and date to be there You know like in the 80s that happens later though, doesn't it? It does.
Starting point is 00:13:25 And you were looking for a time of date. I was looking the bottom corner of YouTube because I thought this looks so shit. I'd written, what do you make me watch? And how come I'm only the 476th person to review this on YouTube? That's too low a number. Okay. It was at like 585 when I got to it. So like a bunch of gamblers.
Starting point is 00:13:46 Yeah. Definitely a bunch of you know, like you did this. Clearly. Yeah. Clearly watched. Yeah. I feel like probably half of the views this movie have. Those are our ours at this point.
Starting point is 00:13:56 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Got to be. But the thing I'm assuming what you meant at zero seconds was a zero budget movie production shows up as the title, right? Well, yeah, I mean, even before that, it really is a dead give it. There's no productions logos or anything like that.
Starting point is 00:14:12 It's just suddenly we're looking at this, you know, decidedly middle class, 1600 square foot home that is supposed to be the president's retirement home. And it's filled with like, he's filled it with staff because you know, the president would have a bunch of people working for him in his 1600 square foot home. Yeah. My dad who like hoarded stone dust in our house would have been like, wow, that is goesh. That's not a yes.
Starting point is 00:14:39 And you say he's filled it with staff. To be honest, the production value of all this was so low that I couldn't tell if the people who were wandering around in the background of the shots were actors or extras or just the people who happened to own the house. He was filming him. We just like, well, look, you can film in the living room, but I'm still going to do my stuff in the kitchen. I'm not ashamed by routine for you. March.
Starting point is 00:14:59 Yes. Yes. Your question. It's all this for sure. What? So, but to, but to clue us in one of the people, one of the help people has this ridiculous like 1947 made outfit on. Yeah. Okay, 12 seconds into the movie and we have a racially problematic but there are 15 seconds. We have a racially problematic
Starting point is 00:15:20 made. Yeah, literally. So I was like, okay, the movie has started. This is a movie. We're not just watching people milling around in the house where they paid $4 to have it as the set. Yeah. Literally. So I was like, okay, the movie has started. This is a movie. We're not just watching people milling around in the house where they paid $4 to have it as the set. Yeah. So, and I have the, my music note right away is this cartoon is still awaiting the turn. Yeah. Right? This is, this is still the part where the dog is going about his normal morning routine
Starting point is 00:15:40 and hasn't seen the cat yet. Yeah. Yeah. I had, for my music note, some cheeky scams applauding hijinks in this wild western salute. I guess. I didn't have a music note. I was just like, it's the hate crime already. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:15:55 This is bad. Well, and then his daughter says, by dad, I'm going out to shop except for she says that with a very, very thick Latin American accent. Oh, is that Latin American? I thought it was Eastern European. And I thought has the president of the United States got an Eastern European daughter, because that seems like a security risk from like a political point of view. Like there were rumors about Trump, but it was never as far as an actual daughter.
Starting point is 00:16:20 I thought it was like a Boston accent. It moved around a lot. Yeah, that's true. It might have been just me on an ad read. Yeah, it might have been different people playing the same role. So we'll find out he does that from time to time. A Boston communist. Yeah, so there you go. So yeah, and so the president is talking to Flotus and they're remembering their honeymoon and stuff like that. And this is where we
Starting point is 00:16:43 all first wrote in our notes, huh, no second takes in this production. Huh. Is this where he's sort of talking his way through a story. And the idea is he's recited this story so many times that she can do it word for word, but she can't deny the technique. Oh, it's great.
Starting point is 00:17:00 They took at one point, it's like, they're the married couple. So she knows what he's about to say because he says the thing and he starts to and she goes along with it. But then he forgot the line like eight words in. So he fucks up right away and he has to do that like REM end of the world thing where he's like, just six o'clock TV hour. He totally does. But they're talking about maybe going off together or whatever, but as they're talking about that, the assistant shows up and she's like, Hey, you know, I just got a call from the injured veterans. I guess they couldn't get the rights to wounded warriors, right? And they'd like you to give a talk at their thing.
Starting point is 00:17:45 And the president is just like, wounded veterans, fuck those people. I hate injured and dead veterans. They're stupid. They volunteered. And I wrote my notes, well, in the pre-Trump days, that would have been impossibly over the top, huh? Yeah. I've got that note quite a few times in there too.
Starting point is 00:18:02 But I also love the idea that, you know, he doesn't give a damn about the injured on the dead veterans, but like in fairness, the dead ones probably are inviting you to give you a talk. So I thought they were, I thought they were like lampooning Democrats at this point, because we didn't learn that it's about George tell you until like 50 minutes in. So this red has like fucked those injured veterans. I'm a Democrat and I hate God. So fuck them. It's so like who is this supposed to be for even when we find out it's about George W. The politics of it don't pick a side ever. No, I will. That's I got C. Tom the creator of this film is all over the goddamn map.
Starting point is 00:18:42 For a second, I was like, is this about Obama and they did him as a white guy? This is insane, because it's made in 2011. So it would make sense for them to like, be responded to a bottle of butt. Well, and also like we've watched a movie where they did Obama and made him a white guy too. So, you know, that's...
Starting point is 00:19:00 Yeah, and it was much more tasteful than this one. And higher quality, you shouldn't have so many points of reference for this film. It's not going down so many points of reference. Fair. So, and this is also the first of many times where someone will turn to the president and say, you're more powerful than God in this instance. It's the floatess. And I'm like, well, we're all more powerful than God. I mean, but like she says that to him, like, you know, you're more powerful than God. And he said, we're not supposed to say that about ourselves. It's like, you didn't say that about yourself. She said it about you. That's, that's, that's, that's
Starting point is 00:19:31 external. Totally. Totally. I'm putting it on you. Totally different thing. Literal God. It's like nicknames. You can't, I can't say I'm literal God. You have, you guys have to give it to me. Yeah. Right. I am though. Yeah. But so then we introduced the fact that while he was president, I guess he's no longer president, but while he was president, he had a secret bank account set up where all of the companies, this is very serious. He's a real stud. This probably really happened.
Starting point is 00:19:56 Silly as fuck. We all of the companies, but 10% of their profits into his secret bank account. Right. And he can't remember the code. He says at one point, he's like, it should be worth, and I wrote my notes, don't say it impossibly in a stupidly large number. Hundreds of billions of dollars.
Starting point is 00:20:16 Eight million, bazillions. Is the, so 10% is worth hundreds of billions. So yeah, the big oil companies were making trillions and they were tithing 10 to him. It's cool. And he explained that. He's like, yeah, 10% of the profits from big oil, war crimes, speed of trade. You know how it goes. And then he's like, it's so nonchalant.
Starting point is 00:20:37 And he's like, Hey, hun, I just, I can't remember the password to our evil war crimes. The good evil war crimes? Because you're right. Was it? Muah, ha, ha, ha, one, two, three. What was it? And I do like how he's looking for the code for the secret account. He says that they created for me. And I thought, are we really going to explore what the day is?
Starting point is 00:21:00 Is this going to go down the lines, you know, they on the president, you know, they, the they, you know, the schmarshmers,, they, the they, you know, the smershmers, the jet, the jet, you know, we are absolutely going to go to the smershmershmers. And instead of a smershmer, he's going to say, you know, he might as well be like smershmers and then be like, no, it's like, Jewish, I'm talking about Jewish people. And this was also the point in my notes word, written. Imagine a president having hidden money in foreign bank accounts, left this movie from five years before Trump.
Starting point is 00:21:31 Yeah, the rises are recurring notes. So now the, the racially problematic made, who by the way is wearing a blonde wig, get used to that. She's also wearing white gloves. Yep, she's wearing a blonde wig and white gloves. So she looks like a mime like he's hired a mime to pretend to walk right into this kitchen. They did hire some mimes to be extras in the movie, not her. Oh yeah, we're going to get some interesting mime eventually. Yeah. So, but the maid is done with dinner, which apparently includes whole strawberries as a side.
Starting point is 00:22:05 What the fuck is happening? You have to know how food works. You know they know how food works. Yes. It's made like dinner's ready and we look at the plates she's holding and she's like, yeah, it's general says chicken and I made fresh, not out of the box that I ordered to go. And nine whole ordered to go and nine holes. It's like it weird, but, but they can't find the president.
Starting point is 00:22:33 Flotus goes to check on him in the garage. And he's apparently he has passed out and some kind of medical malady. We know this because she says, and I quote, the president's lying there, the president's lying there. Somebody help the president's lying there, the president's lying there. Somebody help the president's lying. She's like the president's lying there, president's lying there. Oh, with all the urgency of somebody pretending they can't find the toddler under the blanket. Yes.
Starting point is 00:22:59 Oh, absolutely. The line read was very much all the panic of a lady who's shopping cart had got a little away from home to shop. Oh dear. Yeah. So we cut to the hospital. And at first I wrote like the hospital slash corner of the dirt mall that they were allowed to record. But apparently they had access to a real hospital, which is depressing as fuck.
Starting point is 00:23:17 Yes, they did. They did genuinely. Yeah. So, but this doctor is explaining to everybody that the president had a stroke and as is in a coma, this is like a press conference that they're having. Yeah, it's a press conference in front of all of full people in the corner of the room they were allowed to be in at that point. Yeah. That is the full press conference for the president's stroke. And also, this is where we find out that we see this doctor, this, he's going to be the chief surgeon. And he looks like
Starting point is 00:23:42 Jean Palma's on from a rest of the development. And I really wanted no steel booth to just like walk in and squeal at him. It was amazing. Oh, he always figures it out. Yeah. So good. One other thing about these doctors, the first one comes out and he's like, yeah, so the president had a stroke. The amount, I would say, is massive. It was a massive stroke. And it's actually a team of doctors. And you know how doctors usually rotate when they do press conferences. So he's like massive. And now I present a doctor with an accent, which makes him real. And we go back and forth trading off questions from the press here.
Starting point is 00:24:24 Yeah. So halfway between them doing a job share, or them being like a medical version of the Beastie boys, just like the Beastie boys are badly choreographed. So one point is like, no, switch back. I'm doing odd. So I do the odd. You go back. And the questions are so dumb.
Starting point is 00:24:42 They couldn't come up with any normal human questions to ask. So it's stuff like, how long will this coma be? And one woman's line is, do you believe in miracles? But I translated it as, do you make believe in miracles? She fucked up a line twice and they still kept it. She might as well be like keep rolling miracles. And the great thing is because the camera is from behind her and she's one of the four people in this press conference. Through the rest of this scene, you can see her like beating
Starting point is 00:25:16 herself up about fucking a line of it. Yeah, like, it's so hard not to fuck the next one up in some relationship. So, and then we cut, we're back at the president's house. We're outside his house now. We're a dude from the fucking world Christian wrestling federation wearing that same blonde wig is reporting on the president's stroke. Right. It's so good. When it cut to this reporter outside, I laughed so hard.
Starting point is 00:25:42 He's so unexpectedly like physical and sort of like all the top in every little move when he's making. He's pretending to be the TV reporter. He doesn't have a microphone. He's got no way of identifying himself as a reporter. He's just shouting out kind of a sort of suburban house, basically. I wrote in my notes, just accumulate less, bro. You don't have to point when you say outside.
Starting point is 00:26:04 We get it. You said I have to point to every bit of the outside. You can at least point to one bit and leave it at that. But yeah, but he's reporting that the president had a stroke while trying to open a wooden box. I'm like, what an insane detail, but that's going to matter. That's where the password to the evil account might be. We're like, hey, Han and she was like, it's in the junk drawer with the rubber bands. That's where it is. And he was like, the box of rubber bands and the loose ones in the box. The box is in a cupboard.
Starting point is 00:26:36 What the fuck are you even talking about? Yeah. And by the way, he's from Channel 69 news. Get it? Yeah. Although it takes him a couple of times to remember that. He does not have an answer. He's forgotten the name of the new city because he knows there was a joke in it, but he's
Starting point is 00:26:49 Christian, so he doesn't understand the joke. That's why it's a number, but I can't think of a number. I was thinking that they eventually made it 69 because that was the only number he could remember consistently. Yeah. So, okay. So then we cut to a couple of secret service agents guarding the Comato's president's door. Okay. The two of them were just standing there and then
Starting point is 00:27:10 both of them at the exact same time put their hand up to their ear and like that's okay, secret service guys have an ear piece and then they push it into their ear to like hear it better. But they don't respond to anything here. No. I think the movie just thinks secret service guys touched their ear for no reason. And they were like, that's because these guys didn't have the earpiece in right at that moment. Like we cut to it. Like in the next scene, there will be two different secret service agents that do have the earpiece in. But yes, yeah, it was fucking bizarre. They were just going to harmonize a cool vocal
Starting point is 00:27:43 around like Mariah Carey. Oh, there you go. There you go. It's also great because like I guarantee these secret seven agents were inspired by a man in black like the mix of the film. Like we see men in blacks. It's always old white guy, young black guy. That's the way they pair things up in anything where you have to wear sheds for a living. That's the rule.
Starting point is 00:28:00 Yeah. So we see them and then we cut to the president's hospital room. He will spend essentially the rest of this movie laying on this gurney in a short hospital gown with no blanket, right? We're going to see him constantly there. And the float is in the secret service are coming in along with this reverend who looks like if like if Santa had to get dressed up for court. Right?
Starting point is 00:28:27 Also, can we just point out that the president of the United States went to the hospital and he has a semi private room? He does, yes. He's a joint group. We look hurt. Oh, internally that. This is one of the times where something happened that blew my mind, the audio dipped out because someone was getting an SMS message.
Starting point is 00:28:52 And it starts to do that, and I thought, hang on, I didn't get a text message while that was, I rewind the film, it happened again. I put my phone in fucking airplane mode just before that. I was like, no, that's on the movies and it drops on like mid-conversation. The guys in the middle of his prayer and suddenly it's silent for a second. Telegram. This is a zero-budget movie. Stop. Okay. Yeah. Sorry. And then quite suddenly everybody has to stop and they're like, oh, what's that smell? We better leave this room.
Starting point is 00:29:27 And I'm like, tell me this fucking movie didn't just do a goddamn fart joke. Leave the fart jokes to the goddamn professionals. You motherfucker, this is my street corner. Yeah. All right, I was here first. Fair. In my head, I was like, oh, he shot himself like really badly, but they go for fart for a second. But then we find out in a second. No, he shot himself like really badly, but they go for fart for a second,
Starting point is 00:29:45 but then we find out in a second. No, he shot himself like really badly. Yeah, that will be 80% of the rest of the movie talking about how he's really badly. Yeah. I have messaged Eli shortly after this scene to be like, I'm really sorry. You missed this one, man. This has got a lot of poop in it. So and by the way, he, I had to go back
Starting point is 00:30:05 and change this from fart to shit to fart like three times in my notes. As we asked the movie, I was like, wait, was it did he fart? Did he shit himself? Because right, because like the next scene, the reverend is talking with the floatus and they're talking about how much he, the, the president hated fart. Right. But then somebody's like, I changed the president. You can go back in. right. So it's at least a shark. But that dilemma, that dichotomy of Diddy Farty to ship themselves, that's going to basically count for essentially the stakes of this film.
Starting point is 00:30:34 That's the high stakes kind of this film. Well, at the very least, it's the singular thread that runs all the way through it, right? Yeah. So yeah, so, but eventually the doctor comes out and he's like, yeah, yeah, we we changed his diaper. You can go back in there and finish up that, um, that prayer scene. So they go back in and this is such a weird bizarre fucking little detail.
Starting point is 00:30:56 The guy, the president, the actor who's supposed to be in a coma for some reason refuses to close his eyes. I was wide open throughout the movie and they show throughout the entire fucking movie to the point where like in just a second, we're going to like we're going to cut from this scene to this exact same scene except two inches to the left. And the only difference is that the right side of the screen now cuts off at his nose or so. So you can't see that as a so there was clearly a fight between
Starting point is 00:31:25 him and the director and this was the resolution to that fight. Right. Anyway, I love that so goddamn much. So deposition Santa is going to start doing a prayer for him and they catalog all the evil shit that this president has done. This was the first time we were like, oh, it's George Bush. Yes. Yeah. Right. This was the first, because he's like, you know, they attacked the attack to country that hadn't attacked us and he did it all for the oil money and, you know, maybe stage to attack at his own country. You know, like all of this shit is in the prayer and it's supposed to be jokingly delivered as, you know, this is what some people say, but you know, he's all right. He's a good guy.
Starting point is 00:32:02 Okay. Yeah. What is the movie in favor of these for the attacking a countries that don't attack you and stealing oil? Where did they land? Positive. I have absolutely no idea. I mean, maybe, maybe Noah can decode this, Russ. I don't know whether this film is like pro or anti-god, whether it thinks God is on his side or against him. They make a claim that he's killed millions and leveled baby formula factories in Iraq. But then it refers to his minor transgressions and no one seems to care.
Starting point is 00:32:28 And they list that as like a stat on the back of a baseball card. Like all start team to 2004. Like, yeah. Right. So that this is the evil Christian that's trying to like paper over all of the terrible stuff that he's done and make it not sound as bad as it is, right? The movie is like condemning him and also condemning the church for not condemning him to a certain degree there.
Starting point is 00:32:51 Right. That guy only now makes it makes any clarity to me. You finally opened my eyes to this film. Well, so and it's going to get so goddamn much weirder from here, right? Because then the same guy, deposition Santa, he comes back in, right? He, that guy leaves, right? The, the, the, the, the, the, the, Lotus gives him a check and he leaves.
Starting point is 00:33:10 And then that same guy comes back in and he's dressed now as like, I don't know, like an Eastern Orthodox rabbi or something. I don't know what he's going for here. I saw rabbi and I was like, okay, are they having this actor be multiple characters? And what they did was try to do the mustache and glasses on top of the guy who already has glasses and a giant Santa. Yeah, right.
Starting point is 00:33:34 Yeah. And yes, that is what they did. I thought she was paying, I thought this with the same character and Flortis had just paid him to go and get changed and come back as a different religion. Right. Like it was Baffa, because he comes back several times. This isn't, this is meant to be Catholic as well. Yes, because he, as he described in it.
Starting point is 00:33:51 So that is not how a Catholic priest, he dresses a rabbi, that's not what Catholics look like. Okay. But I thought she just like paid him to convert. Right, but he's got a cross, he's like a rabbi with a giant cross on it. It's really fucking weird. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:34:03 Okay, that fits with my other theory, which is this is a chaplain who's making like double triple salaries by posing as a priest and a rabbi and a mom. Well, that's what I thought they were going for because she gives him a check every time, but no, this is supposed to be different characters all played by the same actor, but he has a different. Yes. Glasses and Mustang, we find that out at the end of the scene and it's so incredibly weird. Oh, he's just got three sets of glasses and mustang, we find that out at the end of the scene and it's so incredibly weird. Oh, he's just got three sets of glasses and three mustangs.
Starting point is 00:34:29 And also we have to address, I was like, okay, so the filmmaker doesn't know about cut aways. So the way you would normally, if you've got actors that are fucking at the line, what you would normally do is you'd film them going through it three or four times and just be like, I, you know, power through when you fuck up. And then you would also feel like, you know, closeups of the faces of the people he's talking to or, or, or, or, you know, other things in the hospital.
Starting point is 00:34:50 And then when you edit it all together, the, as he's talking, the movie would just cut over to a closeup of the floatus's face nodding as you hide the fuck up. Yeah. They don't know about that. So in this, this movie is edited like a podcast just in the middle of the guy's sentence, everything will cut to like, shifted ever so slightly to the right or left and him mid-sentence
Starting point is 00:35:12 saying the same thing, but right. It's so great. And once you put, well, they've clearly cut out because you can see he's glancing constantly off to the side of the screen. They've cut out where he had to pause for his reading to catch you up and you're speaking. Yeah. So we've just trimmed out those pa to pause for his reading to catch you up. Yeah. So we've just trimmed out those pauses and just sort of fade a little bit. So he looks like he's sort of just phasing around in the room.
Starting point is 00:35:31 It's, it's amazing. Cut to a close up of the coma president's face. Eyes wide open. Wait, no, cut that. Cut that. Yeah. But yeah, no, they, like, they caught him in between, like, the words he was ruthless and towards other people.
Starting point is 00:35:46 Like that cuts midway through the teeth. It's sanity. They have a cut before any words happen at one point. Somebody walked up and it's like about to start speaking and then it's like, boom. And he's like slightly off. And then he's speaking. Yep. I believe that's because he just forgot his opening line.
Starting point is 00:36:06 They walked out there and he's like, oh shit, what's my line? And they had to cut that part out. I thought we had to look around to see where the cue cards were. So he's actually looking in different directions around the room until he settles on the cue cards. So it just walks up. Your eyes are wide open, cut, cut. But then so he leaves and then he comes back on this time as an actual row by right this
Starting point is 00:36:27 time he's supposed is again supposed to be a different guy, but it's the same actor playing the part of a row by he does the like Spock hands thing. Right. Is that a thing? I didn't realize that was a thing. He was talking about the the chosen and he did the spot hands thing and this film made me Google do do do Vulcan salute which yeah, at least I think I didn't know that was a thing. And this film made me Google, do Jews do Vulcan salutes, which yeah, at least I think I didn't know that was a thing. Yeah, no, Leonard Nimoy was, was Jewish and he, that's
Starting point is 00:36:50 where he got it. They don't do it like this guy doesn't your thumbs are supposed to be together, represents the letter Shin, the sacred flame of the Hebrew alphabet. Right. Got you. Yeah. And but this is where this movie just goes full anti-Semite. Right. Like because the Jewish guys like, yeah, you know, it was our money that made him president in an exchange. He gave us the actual words of the movie. He gave us dual citizenship and allowed us to infiltrate the highest levels of government. Yep, the armed forces, the secret service, the judiciary, his enemies say he betrayed
Starting point is 00:37:24 his own people and sold his country to us. Jews. Yes, that's what it says. I will now read 1100 pages of David Ike verbatim, lizard aliens to what's done. I don't know that I feel comfortable watching this movie while Eli isn't here. Like, how is this movie making me feel complicit in a hate crime? How is it achieved?
Starting point is 00:37:43 Yes. And then, okay, so then he leaves. They give him another check. He leaves. And following the classic comedy rule of fours, he comes back in. Yeah. This time in blackface. Yeah, following the classic comedy rule of blackface four.
Starting point is 00:38:00 Yep. Sure is. This is the definitely more problematic men and black thing that they do they they tried to do like Tanish face though not quite right like they could make it better by being less black about It's so bad, but he comes in now. He's an imam Right, and he starts to do a prayer like a Muslim prayer over him But when he says a law the secret service guys arrest him because he must be a terrorist.
Starting point is 00:38:28 Yes. And this is where we first realized that for sure they meant for him to be different guys because the Catholic from before steps forward and says, oh, don't arrest him. You know, Allah is just their word for God. And then all of us have in our notes, wait, is that, is he supposed to be different guys each time? What? Yeah. In block capitals, we that realization hits
Starting point is 00:38:48 every one of us. Yup, it's amazing. And it seemed like for a second, the movie was going to like make a good point. The guy was going to be like, no, actually a lot. It just means God. Like we're all talking about the same God. But then he's like, yeah. So I mean, there's like way better arguments for Islamophobia. So just to be clear, don't, don't use the like word a lot to be the crux of your anti-Islam argument. Yeah. Well, so it's such a bizarre moment here. This is really one of the reasons why it took me so long to realize this was a Muslim film
Starting point is 00:39:15 because he, he gives us the, but there are bad and good Muslims thing, right? He gives us this whole thing about, well, yeah, some Muslims believe that Mary was a whore and Jesus was a sissy boy that couldn't play basketball. But some Muslims believe that Jesus was the greatest of all prophets and really Christian shouldn't be upset about him at all, right? That's the speech that he gives here, really fucking weird. It is, but it's counting a really sort of bizarre way because this is just around the same time that someone said the line about like, you know, the gods are, the gods are resting. So don't blame the guards. It's not easy to tell them apart. The different religious folks apart. I thought, is this, is this movie on our
Starting point is 00:39:51 side? Is this now an atheist movie pointing out that all the religions are basically as silly as one another so you shouldn't just pick on the Muslims, pick on the more equally? But no, it's, it's saying so don't pick on the Muslims, be Muslim. Yeah, exactly Yeah, but but the we're not going to get there yet because the secret service guys explain how it's okay. They can just drag him out in the street and shoot him to death and then like charge him with terrorism and child porn later. Specifically to say that he was wearing a suicide belt. Yes, belt belt.
Starting point is 00:40:20 When you only want to blow yourself up a little bit, you're not going to do the full haul of the full vest. Exactly. Vests are out this year. So, and now we cut to the goddamn president sitting at his dining room table. Sorry, this is so fucking weird because they've green screened him into this. Yes. Right?
Starting point is 00:40:42 But it's into a room that they actually had. Like he could have just been sitting in. Yes. Yes. But it's into a room that they actually, like he could have just been sitting in. Yes, and it's a room that I don't think we've actually seen or at least not from that angle. So to be wild to figure out, because it's not the hospital, it's his own house. Yeah, but he'll continue talking, like you can see everything in the hospital.
Starting point is 00:40:59 Maybe the people that they rented that shitty house from were like, but you cannot go in the living room at all. We'll all be back. You can take a still photograph of the living room. Yeah. Do you think that's off the ad like the Airbnb listing? Do you just call the four to a lot of that? Well, see, I like to think that they actually set the green screen up right in front of that room, right?
Starting point is 00:41:20 And film that there. And they will with the intent of putting like, heaven in the background or some of the real cloudy plane type thing or whatever. And then they're like, we don't have those are all they all cost money really. So are you green screening the thing behind the green screen? Oh my God, we are.
Starting point is 00:41:36 No, all right. No, we're still gonna do it. So, but yeah, so we see him and throughout the rest of the movie, he'll just pop in periodically to chime in on what everyone else is saying around his comatose body, right? But the first time we see him, he's telling everybody that he doesn't believe in no Jesus or no heaven and all these prayers for him are just silly. He only ever pretended to be Christian for votes. Then we go, so we're back at the hospital. The president is being wheeled into or out of some surgery or something.
Starting point is 00:42:08 My known as Holy Hell, are we just here in every bit of that rattling gurney in this echoey hallway? Yeah. And then we end up with, it's hard to say the weirdest scene in this movie, right? Like the closing scene is obviously the weirdest, but the most disturbing scene I think is this one right here. Disturbing, absolutely. Yes, yeah. So the president's friends, one of whom is played by the goddamn actor who plays the president,
Starting point is 00:42:31 are all in the hallway confronting the doctor from the press conference about how rapey his, his coma ward is. Okay. Yes. And this is the best coma ward there is because he says we're the best coma ward. We've got so many coma patients. We've got the most common patients of anyone
Starting point is 00:42:56 and like ever anywhere. And I don't think you measured the quality of a hospital by how many coma patients. I prefer the ones who are still in coma. They said they have 300 people. 300 people. Yeah, they're doing like the matrix and like harvesting like
Starting point is 00:43:11 Christy. That's insane. The guy's like, my cousin was in a coma for 28 years. And I'm just like, how the fuck is that? How fool you story top and piece of shit? And then one of the guys says, well, what about that girl that came in here and got pregnant while she was in a coma? Yeah, yikes.
Starting point is 00:43:33 But he doesn't say that in the kind of outraged way that anybody ought to say that. It's in very kind of throw away sentence like you're just talking about like, what about that storm we had last week? Is that what about that? Coma to his patient got raped into pregnancy? Right. Right. Yeah. It's like you're trying to order off men you or something.
Starting point is 00:43:51 Yeah. And the response is like throw away nonchalant too. It's like, Oh, yeah. Right. No, that's not until we have it. We offered to kill that baby though, but you know, Catholics, right? Right. And the friends are all like, yeah, okay.
Starting point is 00:44:03 That checks out. That checks out because Catholics, right? Totally. And then friends are all like, yeah, okay, that checks out. That checks out because Cadillac's right. Totally. And then we really dig into this. Right. Like the next seven minutes are just details about this terrible crime. Right. They're like, I, one guy says the grandparents tried to give the baby to foster care because he's violent and slightly and they used, they just used the arseller here and slightly smirchmer. They do use the arsler. Yeah. So I'm, I'm all caps in bold and italics now with my what the fuck is happening. Right.
Starting point is 00:44:33 And then the doctor tries to like explain it away. He's like, oh, come on. Who hasn't raped a coma patient? Yeah. At some point, specifically what he says is if you find a beauty queen in a coma, just lying there offering no resistance, how long can a man resist? It's an infinite amount of time if he isn't to write this.
Starting point is 00:44:54 This is not an excuse. This is not an excuse. And as if it wasn't terrifying enough, the doctor says at one point, like adds to this that she was 15. Yeah. Yeah, so that's happening. And all of them are like, okay, ads to this that she was 15. Yeah. Yeah. So that's happening.
Starting point is 00:45:06 And all of them are like, okay, but here's the important thing. Do we need to worry about that with the president and we're skipping everything you just said otherwise? Yeah. And the doctor's like, oh, you want to know, well, the potas get pregnant while he's in a coma here.
Starting point is 00:45:18 No. He's like a six at best. So like I'm not too worried about. He says almost exactly what I just said. Yeah, I wrote my notes. The president is totally not fuckable. So it's fine. It's completely fine.
Starting point is 00:45:30 Yes. And then everybody's good. Wait, one of them points out, they're like, you know, it's weird that nobody ever got arrested. That they never figure out who the rapist was. And the doctor says, the doctor says, well, no, they figured out who it was from DNA testing, but they never charged him because he explained
Starting point is 00:45:43 that everybody here is raping the coma patients. Yeah. Yeah. It was like a Spartacus type situation. So you couldn't really just, you know, figure out who had any given moment. You know, I mean, lying from this scene, verbatim, quote, for many perverts, getting a job in this coma ward is like going to heaven. That's an actual line that they say in the movie.
Starting point is 00:46:07 And then the float is like, well, we want to make sure that my husband doesn't get raped. So we want you to put in cameras, you know, anti-rape cameras. And then the doctor says, well, you know, we don't have the budget to do that because your husband vetoed the law that would have made anti-rape cameras mandatory in all coma wars when he was president. What's such a specific law? I mean, have they land gone? Are they both sides in sexual assault of coma?
Starting point is 00:46:36 What the fuck is happening? It's an incredibly specific law. I mean, in fairness, that law absolutely nailed it. This exactly what was going on here. It was a law that was required for the level of specificity fair played that legislator. You've absolutely nailed it, but that's not normally a concern for hospitals to my knowledge. If you're going to land somewhere one time, you got to you got to land on a side for this one. You got to land on a side for this. Yes. Fuck. All right. Well, I'll admit that right after the rape of polygist scene is an awkward
Starting point is 00:47:04 place to queue the skit, but I also need a minute to reset my goddamn brain. So I'll be back in a flash with even more of the president goes to heaven. Right through here, father. Yes, yes, yes, is this your comatose friend to Eli? Yeah, that is. And how do you two know each other? We, uh, we actually co-host a podcast together. A podcast of that, is that like a job? It's kind of...
Starting point is 00:47:35 All right, well then, here we go with the last writes. I believe in God, the Father Almighty, creator of heaven and earth and in Jesus Christ has only Well, I suppose when you're in a coma things happen that aren't under your control We don't have to let it interfere with the with the sanctity of the oh, oh, dear. Well, that's I was gonna be pretty hard to ignore. It's a little It's a let let us continue. I Believe in God the Father almighty creator of you know, I'm sorry to think maybe we could just do this from the holy please father. This is so important to him. The last thing he said before he slipped into a coma was please make sure there's like priest right there beside me at the end. I see.
Starting point is 00:48:26 Oh, hold on a second. Is your friend really a Catholic? No, no, no, he's not dying either. So you're just, you're just, you're just fucking with me. He's really fucking with you. Yeah. Yeah. Which is his flatulence always smells like that.
Starting point is 00:48:45 Pretty much, yes. And you're under sure he's not dying. I mean, shh. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah.
Starting point is 00:48:59 Hey podcast listener, just cutting in with a quick reminder that if you were a patron, this would actually be only one of the game episodes you got this week. Every month we do a full length patron-only bonus episode and to kick off 2023, we cave to the patron pressure In the time. I'm going to go to the end. I'm going to go to the end. We spent eight fucking minutes on info dump at the beginning of this movie and then we start not knowing what the fuck is going on.
Starting point is 00:49:40 I'm going to kill you. I'm going to kill you. I'm going to kill you. I'm going to kill you. I'm going to kill you. AHAHAHA! AHAHAHA! AHAHAHA! AHAHAHA! AHAHAHA! AHAHAHA! AHAHAHA! AHAHAHA! AHAHAHA! I feel like I do well in movie university, like, and... AHAHAHA!
Starting point is 00:49:53 You're just... Blire-possing. Well, you're a... You're mostly the bad guy. You're a double-crossing big guy. Next to a Thanksgiving combo! AHAHAHA! AHAHAHA! AHAHAHA! AHAHAHA! AHAHAHA! It's like the humorless coke bro that it is.
Starting point is 00:50:07 It's like, no, this is very serious. We have to get him. Just saying, boopie boopie scoop scoop scoop. It's always poop that and doesn't for Eli, it's always it. So if you'd like to hear what Eli was losing his shit over and get instant access to over 70 other secular bonus movies that we've done over the years, head over to patreon.com slash godawful and pledge as little as a dollar an episode. That's patreon.com slash godawful.
Starting point is 00:50:44 And we're back for more of this shit when we last left off. little is a dollar an episode that's patreon.com slash God awful. And we're back for more of this shit when we last left office wasn't a 9 11 truth or movie, but that's about to change. And it's going to do so. You don't have to have an address 9 11 yet. Of course. They will now. So now we're going to have one of these bizarre one of the many moments where we're sitting there wondering who's supposed to be able to hear who, right?
Starting point is 00:51:05 Because the float is having a conversation with the president and the president's like, as his coma ghost or whatever is talking back to her and it's never entirely clear if she can hear him. Is it okay? I was my, my exact note was like, can the wife hear the Koma Ghost speech that we're getting right now? Yeah. Some characters can and some can't throughout the movie. But it's never clear. It's never obvious who can hear him and who
Starting point is 00:51:34 can't. Yeah. Oh, maybe do you have to be Muslim to hear Koma Ghosts correctly? Oh, maybe that's oh, yeah, yeah. Okay. All right, that might just be the key. But yeah, so but she's worried because the documents so they don't talk about 9, 11 in this movie, they have their own version of it, which is 111. Got it? Okay. Could they not get the rights to 9 and 11 numbers? What the fuck happened? No, we can,, we get a four to eleven, but nine
Starting point is 00:52:08 is expensive. We're going to do one and nothing to do with us. It's not copyright. The September 11th attacks. That's a really bad. Or just September. They copy. Yeah. Legally distinct. Yeah. But yeah, but so she starts talking. There's a lot of parts of this where they like because they change Saddam Hussein's name to Gotham for reasons that are completely opaque as well, right? That'll come up. But there's a couple of times where they just change names for no god damn reason. Rock Gotham Obama.
Starting point is 00:52:39 All right. So anyway, so the, but the float is is worried because the documents about the 111 attacks were leaked and he may or may not have culpability. It will not really be clear until there are three minutes left in this movie, right? Yeah. So the movie is saying that the US government did 9-11 as an inside job.
Starting point is 00:53:05 Yes, but that's good. I think so. The movie lands on that's part of like a law's plan because it's not clear that they dislike that. Yeah, no, they eventually will be very much against the 9-11 attacks, but they make you wait. Oh, this is, of course it makes sense to me. Oh, yeah, this is, no, this is just good writing.
Starting point is 00:53:23 They're just building the moment for me. Sorry, sorry. Yeah, don't look. This movie just good writing. They're just building the moment for me. Sorry. Yeah. Don't look. This may be because it's to exonerate the entire religion of Islam from any association with 9-11. Yeah. Well, right.
Starting point is 00:53:33 Yeah, exactly. If they did it, then Islam didn't. So yeah, so we cut to him sort of just, you know, speaking off the cuff as a coma ghost about 111 and about David Kelly. Yes, the the the weapons inspector. Yes, yeah, David Kelly. Obviously, he was going to call him this film. The Welsh weapons inspector who after failing to find WMDs in Iraq, killed himself. He did. Yes. At some point. Yeah. Now, that's a real thing that happened, not in the way that this movie explains it, but
Starting point is 00:54:07 the way that this movie explains it is that he didn't find weapons in 9-11 and then the next day was found dead. But I mean, it doesn't matter because this movie's wrong about everything, but it wasn't the neck. It was five months of being like intensely in the spotlight and under immense pressure for the guy who was not capable of handling that pressure. So it wasn't the next day, but it feels like a weird thing to quibble about the timeline of David Kelly's death.
Starting point is 00:54:30 It's real. Yeah, right. Given the scale of wrong that we're going to take. Exactly. Also, the fact that like he didn't find it and then the next day, he did like what the day after he didn't do something. That just seems weird. Like he didn't find them the day before he died too, I guess. There's also this weird, just throw away line where
Starting point is 00:54:50 they start talking about how the president starts talking about how they killed in this world. They killed Saddam who's saying, got them. And they cut off his head and brought it to them on a literal silver platter. Yep. Right. The bid is supposed to be that he said, I want his head on the silver platter, but the government took it seriously. And he's delivering that like an afted in his speech, like it's an anecdote that he tell, you know, for money just on the, on the, on the afted in his circle. It's like, yeah, you know, I asked for the guy to be beheaded and you'll never guess what they actually.
Starting point is 00:55:19 Right. We have fun. I'm George Debian. This is funny. Yeah. He also, he says at one point, he says, they cut his head off with a wire cutter. I think they meant a wire like a grope, right? Yeah. And he said a wire cutter, which opens like an inch and a half. So he just got to imagine
Starting point is 00:55:36 that took all. You know, you have a pocket knife and you have the little can open thing. I tried that for a bit. It was going to be a while. Try the tweezers they broke. And then the nurse comes in, right? The, the, the, the, the first lady is still talking to the president's coma ghost or not. We don't really fucking know, but the nurse comes in and she's like, Hey, I'm here to change his diaper. You'll have to come back in two hours. Two hours. Two hours. Seriously? But I think it's the frequency with which the president
Starting point is 00:56:11 shits in this film in two hours time. He's going to be shitting again. So it's like painting a bridge. You know, you get to one end and you go to stop back at the start and paint away. Also, it's been a few days. I feel like common patients are mostly peeing after maybe like a day.
Starting point is 00:56:26 You, right? Is there a lot of shitting in comments? This film forced me to go on a Google journey to look into that particular detail. Apparently they do, they do still do, you still need a bag, essentially, but not every two hours. Okay, no, withdrawn.
Starting point is 00:56:42 This is a good part of the movie. We all learn from this film. Okay, no withdrawn. This is a good part of the movie. We all learn from this film. Okay, so the first lady leaves so that this nurse can do the two hour diaper change. And she explained that nurse tells him that the mothers of dead soldiers are outside and they blame him for 111 and the war that came after, right. Right. So they say that, but they describe the mothers of dead soldiers by the acronym MULDS. Yes. So hang on. The MULDS of the mothers of dead soldiers, I really want to hope that they're all there on like Lambretta scooters wearing Parker jackets, listening to the King's and I went to British again. Damn it.
Starting point is 00:57:18 I think I got that though. Nice. Oh, California. They're like the opposite of greasers in British culture. Oh, Rutgers. Yeah, it was molten Rutgers. Yeah. Okay. So I didn't. So thank you for the translation. And then we cut to the friends, the president's friends all sitting in the room with the president
Starting point is 00:57:39 getting kicked out so that she can change his diaper again. Yeah, again. So that's another two hours. It's such a weird, because like all the friends are sitting in there and they're listening to a radio that we can't see, a radio that's off camera that's talking about the 111 document leak. And she comes in and talks at the same volume of the radio, right, and tells us that he's, that she has to change his diaper and they need to leave
Starting point is 00:58:05 for two hours again. But I'm pretty sure in real life, nurse is a generally more taxful than saying, Hey, could you guys fuck off? I need to check if your comatose friends shat himself again. Basically what she said. I feel like this had to be the guy in real life just shitting a lot, right? Oh, 100%. Absolutely. 100%. Yeah, we know he's a method actor. Yeah. So all the friends go outside. They sit in the waiting room and they all talk about how convincing they find the various 9-11 conspiracy theories. So they do, but they don't say anything about the absolute conspiracy theory. So they only ever say it. Yes, they spend a lot of time talking about it. What do you think
Starting point is 00:58:41 about it? We know the president organized it. What do you make of it? Well, this is what I make of it. I thought, what is you talking about here? This is not helpful. Could you just give me one noun to work with? You know what I make of not copyrighted some months, elevenths attacking? Yeah. Okay, but I did enjoy that there was one guy in their stupid group that did not have to be that big. So they definitely did not have to have the same guy be the president and his extra friend that he wanted to have. But one guy in that group while they're arguing, he's like, guys, okay, I feel like you're making up conspiracy theories. Couldn't our friend, the president just murder Saddam Hussein Gotham and not do 9-11, both of those and they're just like, the fuck up nerd boo.
Starting point is 00:59:24 Yeah, so right. And they move right on. But so this, and this is such a weird exchange because it starts off with the friends all talking about 9-11 in the waiting room. And then we cut to the ghost president, the coma ghost president explaining that he wasn't actually involved in 9-11,
Starting point is 00:59:38 but he did know about it, right? It was a lie hop, not a my hop type situation. Yeah. And this is being interspersed with a conspiracy theorist on a computer screen wearing that same blonde wig again, talking about 9-11 conspiracy theories. Yeah, and this conspiracy theorist is played by apparently Holly from Red Dwarf because he's just a black, he's just a floating head on a black background with black underneath. Yes. He was just reciting the script to lose change for reasons that are not
Starting point is 01:00:10 at all clear. I don't know why we just because it's not like we can see that he's on a computer screen. We just cut to him and then cut back to coma. Well, so sorry, I want to correct you on that just a little bit, Mars, because at first we do see that he's on a computer screen and I have to bring that up because they don't know that you're supposed to take the plastic film off of your fucking monitor when you start using it. So it still has the plastic film all over the top of it. I just I was delighted by that. It's like a condom is for safe safe movie. You have to.
Starting point is 01:00:41 So I don't get computer virus. Okay. My favorite part of this though is the loose change movie is playing, but the guy talking in the loose change, the movie stops itself whenever coma ghost talks to himself in coma realm about what he was just looking at on the screen. No, look in my notes. I've written like, wait, is the ghost president talking to the 9-11 conspiracy YouTube video now Yeah, and yes, yes Which actually makes more sense than what was happening at first in my head
Starting point is 01:01:16 Yeah, no, it definitely does and he not only is he making more sense He's doing a pretty good job of debunking the 9-11 conspiracy theory and it made me write my notes is Is this a skeptical film? Because we don't want this. Can we throw this right? On behalf of skepticism, we officially disavow this film. Yes. But the movie just keeps it throws out all of this, like, you know, loose change read me, right? You know, it's, it says, well, you know, what about building seven that didn't or they get, they say building three because they couldn't get rights to building seven. Apparently, I don't know. It was very weird when they chose to change
Starting point is 01:01:51 and didn't and they talk about the guy who bought the twin towers right before that. And wow, he took insurance out against terrorism. What are the odds? You know, the, the, the thermite, they bring up the thermite, the idea that, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, theibling, like the first time this actor has ever heard the word internet, which I think he might, I do genuinely believe it was. I think I could actually see that in him. Like, yeah, you've never seen or heard of the internet at any point before you had to read it in this script. So then, okay. So then we get, again, it's hard to say any scene is the most useless in this movie, but Jesus Christ is this fucking weird. So we get the daughter, the president's daughter, again, very much English is not this woman's
Starting point is 01:02:51 first language, right? She's coming to the hospital with two children of radically different ethnicities and accents themselves. Yeah. And to be clear, the president and the first lady are white, white, white people from fucking Minnesota. Yes. And they had allegedly a daughter from Spain with a Spanish accent who has a very white
Starting point is 01:03:19 husband and they had two children from like two entirely other different ethnicities in parts of the world. Yes, yes. One of them is Romanian. I think, yeah. So it and and and apparently they have a third kid too, right? Because they're like, you know, we also, we didn't bring little brother because he's violent and he tears things to pieces and we're like, are we ever going to hear about this
Starting point is 01:03:41 child again? And is he ever going to factor into the story in any way? They're like, no, we just want to talk about what a piece of shit our other kid was. Yeah, for the duration of those lines and then never again, we don't even acknowledge the existence of that child any other time. Yep. Just as the next thing she says that she's going to a bachelor party, but she's given up alcohol and she's been sober for three days now.
Starting point is 01:04:02 None of this matters. None of this will every reference to again, apart from in this one bit of conversation that she says it once and then it's gone into the wind. But that's true of everything in this movie. Like, oh, one of the great, because the raped girl from the coma ward, she never shows back up.
Starting point is 01:04:17 And with it, like over and over again, this movie will be like, you know, let's spend about eight or nine minutes setting up something that will then disappear and never be heard from again unless there's a fucking sequel. Just like 9-11. Yeah, right. So and by the way, while the president's family is, is there visiting him on the TV and approximately the same volume as the dialogue from the family is a documentary about how the president did
Starting point is 01:04:47 one 11, right? And the scene actually ends with the son and well, sorry, the granddaughter leaves because he smells like shit. Yes, he shows it. Okay, yeah. This is the best part of the movie. You're like trying it. They're trying it.
Starting point is 01:05:00 Like the Alex Jones channel is playing conspiracy theories and they're trying to like talk about it. Every half sentence, she's like, dad, shout himself again. Yeah. So here's the thing with that conspiracy theory, Alex Jones, I smell so bad. Oh my God. And then one of the notices that coma, coma president moved his finger and they actually, this is like a big deal. The family would be like, holy shit, he moved.
Starting point is 01:05:22 I care. I'm so bad. I can taste it in my teeth. These shot himself. And then the deal to the family. We'd be like, holy shit, I can't even, I can't even, I can't taste it in my teeth. These shannels. And that's the end of the scene. Well, yeah, the daughter says he smells too bad that she never wants to see him again. I think credible level of shit. But I also love the movie finger thing because like the nurse draws a seat.
Starting point is 01:05:42 I think they throw a CD at his hand. I don't know why they throw a CD's hand, but they throw a CD as hands and say, Oh, and his finger moved. But like, one, you threw something at his hand and his finger moved. That's not necessarily a sign of recovery, but also two. We were looking at his finger. It definitely did not move. We were on. We were trying to fit. I, I rewound this and watched it over again. Three fucking times. Because I'm like, could you not get the rights to fingers moving? Why would you? The guy is right there.
Starting point is 01:06:10 You could have just asked him. He would have said yes. His eyes are wide open. Just show them. He can see. Yeah. So, okay. So then we head to the latest press conference from Docketis.
Starting point is 01:06:21 I think they're still taking turns answering the questions, but they explain about the finger thing. Yeah, they're telling all the crowd of all of seven people that the president has successfully moved his hands, but they also say we couldn't duplicate the movement, and I assume that's because they ran out of CDs, that we only had one went like under the door to the lock room and we couldn't get it back. So yeah, we had one, but we ran out of the 50 hours, so we weren't sure if we would still work. It's on the internet. Yep.
Starting point is 01:06:51 Yes, yeah. But then and talk about setting up shit that's never gonna fucking pay off. This is where they introduced the fact that there's been unusual brain activity from the president because he was angry about a mosquito that he could hear.
Starting point is 01:07:06 And then they tell us that they might be able to use electrodes to hook up to his vocal chords to translate his thoughts into words. And they'll be able to hear his thoughts. This will come up about six more times and they'll never actually do it. Yeah. Like apparently they've got the technology to turn electrical signals into speech. They can't record all you want to film without their cell phones clipping it out, but they can mind-read call-appetitions. They can record the thoughts of call-appetitions.
Starting point is 01:07:35 Yes. Okay, all that was happening. They were talking about it. I was just focused on the large group of nurses in the background playing charades. So fucking hard in the background because they're, you know, not supposed to talk over it. So they're like playing leapfrog and like pying each other in the face. It's crazy. Yeah. So and then we, we cut over to the float as she's chatting with the Comintose president. She explains that she's given all of the stuff in the garage to the presidential library, but they can't open that wooden box that he was trying to get into when he had his stroke. This will be very important. Yeah, semi important.
Starting point is 01:08:14 I love the fact that she's emphasizing they can't get into this wooden box. This wooden box is possible to get into. And then she goes, oh, I guess they could just break it. It's like, yeah, yeah. It's so, you know, yeah. in boxes possible get into and then she goes, oh, I guess they could just break it. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, yeah. And so, okay. So then we cut to this next thing where there's a secret service agent.
Starting point is 01:08:32 He's coming in and he's telling the president, the comatose principle. But first of all, we got a very uncomfortable, uptanked shot for this, for this scene here. Right. But the secret service agent comes and he says, Hey, man, we've killed the earth. Sorry, he says the last one, 11 witness died of natural causes, which he explains are that they sent him an anthrax letter. Naturally. Yeah. But they also say that Leo, we killed him. You know, he'd been on the speaking circuit for a while. Right. So it's pointless killing them now then. Right. But you know what they say? It doesn't matter how
Starting point is 01:09:07 many people the witnesses told before you kill them as long as you eventually kill them. And that's how you stop the truth getting out. Right. Yes. He says the corner doesn't suspect a thing. And I'm like, did he work at an anthrax factory? Why would the corner not just to make it fucking sense? But okay. And then we cut to the doc. He's in the middle of surgery and the floatus has come in to interrupt him and yell at him about the president's health. So he says to one of the attendings at the surgery, hold the veins. That's who he goes speak to the floatus. Just hold the veins.
Starting point is 01:09:38 What a psychotic line to say about this. Did you bend it like a hose? It's cool. You're fine. So yeah. So he walks over to the, to the first lady, just in the corner of the operating room and explains that the president's kidneys have failed and he needs a new kidney if he's going to come out of this. Okay. Yeah. And at this point, she basically asks to see the kidney menu. Yes, right. Right. Well, we have this, maybe the hardest to decode what side is the movie on moment, right?
Starting point is 01:10:10 Where she's like, well, bump him to the top of the kidney waiting list. And he's like, well, actually, it's illegal to bump somebody to the top of the kidney waiting list just because they're rich and famous. Your husband actually made that illegal. Well, he was president. Is he a bad guy or a good guy? I don't know. No, no idea. This was the moment where I'm like, okay, guys, I'm out.
Starting point is 01:10:31 Right? Right. So like I could see either I could see this movie being like pro libertarian free market kidney and arki just maybe warlords selling kidneys harvesting kidneys, whatever. God, Jesus, you know, don't tread on me. I'd yeah, right. I'd that is as likely an interpretation of this message as any other fucking interpretation you could come up with job creators. But yeah, but the doctor explains that you know, but they can bypass the waiting list without telling anybody. And the fucking float is says, and I quote, I hope you're not talking about harvested organs of executed Chinese prisoners.
Starting point is 01:11:13 Fucking what? Yes. They are, which is very specific, super specific, intensely specific. Because this is what he said, he said, you know, the only alternative would be to bring in some kiddies from another country. And it's like, some kidneys are foreign kidneys worthless, like what's the exchange rate? Well, if you get a metric kidney and you try to put it into an American, yeah, this is
Starting point is 01:11:34 a good way to go back to Italy long, and it's like takes a thousand kidneys for a single American kidneys. That's why they went to the European kidney standardized system. See, this is why we need trade agreements to just be there's now there's arbitrage of kidneys, but we're for that because of some reasons, but we're against it for others. But they do land on, yes, foreign kidneys are worth less. Oh God, and this is where she says that,
Starting point is 01:11:56 I don't want the organ of a criminal in my husband's body. It's like, you should have thought of that before you admit him to the rape coma ward lady. That ship has sailed long ago. Is your father? Also, apropos of nothing. During this conversation, the doctors says, well, you know, a couple of Jewish rabbis were caught in New York trying to sell organs.
Starting point is 01:12:16 And the photos is like, correct. That is the thing that happened. And of scene. And then we cut to, and again, it's hard to call anything the most confusing scene in this movie. But this might have been it. Okay, because we cut to this, this, this different nurse, the nurse that had been coming to change his diaper up until now has been an African American woman. This is a white lady. She comes in and she's got the diapers and she throws the diapers to the side. And she's like, I'm not going
Starting point is 01:12:44 to change your diaper because my dad was a firefighter. He died in 111 and it's all your fault. And you can just, you can just be sitting in a big pile of your own filth and shit for the rest of time for all I care. Okay. This is supposed to be the same nurse. Yeah. I think it was supposed to be.
Starting point is 01:13:02 Is this? Yes. Here's the thing. Regardless of their casting thing, which is insane. This means they think that like this nurse came in and was like giving an angry speech about how her dad died in 9-11. She feels like the president was responsible for that. And she brought a big pile of diapers with her just to throw them away as a dramatic prop during her speech for a coma victim.
Starting point is 01:13:28 Yes, right. Right. And later on, the African-American nurse will start telling him my father was a firefighter. So either both of them coincidentally had firefighter dads who died in 9-11, or this is supposed to be the same character, and they were just like, yeah, you know what I mean, she was a nurse. Nurse is a nurse. We don't see race. Right.
Starting point is 01:13:52 Or religion in this movie. We don't see same people. So, okay, so sometime later, the photos barges into another operating room to talk with the doctor. She just fucking burst into operating rooms like the Kool-Aid man. There's no holding the back. So just fucking burst into operating rooms like the Kool-Aid man. There's no Kool-Aid to back.
Starting point is 01:14:05 So she's like, you know, you said in your report that my husband had brain damage, take it back. And he's like, no, I'm just making a clinical bag of stamina. I'm just not throwing out school yard insults here. He goes, oh, oh, well, give him experimental treatment to fix him. Right.
Starting point is 01:14:24 Right. Right. And this is where he explains that the only thing that would help him now is stem cell treatment, but he made that illegal while he was president. Yeah. So is this movie pro stem cells now? I think so, yes. Oh, you think they're, do you think they're pro stem cell? I don't, I don't know.
Starting point is 01:14:42 I, I also think they're pro raping 15 year old coma. It's Confucius too. So it's, yeah, right, right. The way the doctor describes it, he's like, yeah, if you, you know, if you smoosh a fetus into his brain, he'll be fine. But that is not legal here because your husband on moral Christian grounds, banned stem cell research. Yes.
Starting point is 01:15:00 Yeah. And he says, you know, that treatment is only available in China and Mexico. And the float is says, and again, sometimes I just, I have to quote directly from the actual spoken words here. She says, quote, well, if third world countries have it, that's third world is in China and Mexico, quote, we must have it. We must have it better. Don't you think?
Starting point is 01:15:21 They've got stem cells better. That's what they got.'ve got stem cells better. That's what they've got. They've got stem cells better. So then we stumble cut, they invented their own kind of cut. It's called the stumble cut. We stumble cut is so tight. It's practically mid sentence. She didn't get the last syllable out. They managed to cut between the end of her word and the start of the full stop. It's that tight. They managed to cut between the end of her word and the start of the full stop. It's that tight. Right. Yes.
Starting point is 01:15:46 So he cuts over to the doc, giving another press conference about how the kidney transplant hasn't worked. Or actually multiple kidney transplants have not worked. It was this third set of kidneys that were rejected. Yeah. He's burned through six kidneys plus his own. This is a set press of kidneys. Yes, right.
Starting point is 01:16:07 And then one reporter's like, okay, that sucks, but can you give those kidneys to somebody else now? And the doctor answers no, but like he's refusing, not like it's impossible, but just like just a one-inch. Can you do that? No. No, no. First lady actually licked them all so you're out of that.
Starting point is 01:16:26 You'll fuck yourself. So yes, so the ket, the floatus catches up with the doctor later. And she's like, you know, give him the treatment. He's like, well, he'd have to go to China or Mexico, but he's too weak to move. And the, the floatus says, well, this is problematic because the news is already reported that innocent kids in occupied countries are being killed for their kidneys. And I'm like, aren't they really? Fair play's not new to him. They are on it.
Starting point is 01:16:54 Yeah. You think you're the same guy from kind of 69. I want him doing the undercover investigation and trying to be illegal all-conjured in a really sort of bouncy way like a laptop. So yeah, so but the doctor explains that if he doesn't get the stem cell therapy, he could have any number of soap operamalities. Right, he goes on this long list of potential things that could happen, but he opens up on all the like daytime drama shit.
Starting point is 01:17:22 There was an identical twin involved somehow. I was with Amnesia. And then the floatess explains at this point, she's like, well, you know, I think he would rather be dead than in a state like that. And they're like, Amnesia. And she's like, yes, all of the states that you just described. The first state that he described though was he might wake up and be fine. He'd rather be dead
Starting point is 01:17:45 than that. And like given that we've what we've seen in the president's life, she might still have a point. Even he could be fine. I mean, he's he's been constantly shitting himself in front of all of his friends for at least eight kidneys worth. Yeah. So she's like, he would rather die than than live like that. I want him euthanized and the doctors like I'd love to help, but he made physician assistant suicide illegal while he was president. Again, no idea which side the movie is on at this point, right? So she's like, but she's very insistent, right?
Starting point is 01:18:19 She's like, no, I don't want his enemies to laugh at his infirmities. Therefore, he must die. And the doctor's like, all right, so I can't help. Whatever you do, though, don't go back to his room and turn the dial on the bottom left side of the ventilator all the way to the right and then pinch the IV line at the same time. He explains so many different ways of killing him. Right. There's a bunch of oars just stay in this scene. name time. And he explained so many different ways of killing him. I'm just just day in this this scene. Don't suspend the giant piano above his bed. Got it. And
Starting point is 01:18:54 then set up a trip wire with a door handle so that when the nose comes in, just type out. He gets pushed. Don't do that. No trip wire. Got it. Don't let him just keep shooting and dive. Dipper rash. Yeah. Because that would kill him. So they, so we cut to the float as murdering him. Now it looked, look, don't get me wrong. I am all four physician assisted suicide, but on someone else's behalf, because they might be mentally impaired to an as yet unknown degree, that's just killing the motherfucker. Okay. It's towards W Bush here, though. So I was on board. Well, okay.
Starting point is 01:19:28 Right. So she's in the middle of like cutting his tube with a pair of scissors. And she's also adjusting the ventilator like she's trying to tune in a shortwave radio to create some kind of game or something. Okay. The nurse comes, yeah, the nurse comes in here and is like, hey, are you? You have like a giant pair of scissors like you're doing a grand opening on a ribbon ceremony and your cutting is Are you doing a murder? And first lady's like, yes, I'm doing a murder. Yes. Yes. She immediately says like a hush. I'm trying to kill my husband my god lady
Starting point is 01:20:02 You're making so much noise and the the nurse is just like, she's got this, well, I'm very disappointed and you kind of reaction to it, right? Right. But then she calls a cold blue. We've got a cold, cold blue. And cold blue presumably is cold for immediately hard to oppress conference where someone's explaining that the president's fine now. In like the least dramatic tension ever captured on film, we could straight to anyway, it's fine. Don't worry about it. He's all good. Right. Don't worry. You get all worked up over this. Yeah. It's more like a code lie lock. It's pretty relaxed. Yeah. Cornflower, blue. It's code cornflower, soft color. So yeah. Yeah. Instead of show us, don't tell us this movie opted for show us you telling us, right? With his press conference
Starting point is 01:20:43 bullshit. But they tell him like, yeah, he died for a minute, but he was revived. And the press conference, the media that's at the press conference immediately says, did his wife kill him with a giant pair of novelty scissors? And they're like, what? No, what? No, that's not what happened at all. It's different thing. Also, there's three doctors there who were there to not answer questions. So we come in to questions. Yeah. Yeah. Why did you's three doctors there who are there to not answer questions. They say we can't answer questions these times. Then why did you bring three doctors to not answer? Oh, they had trouble with two on the rotation. And now it's three.
Starting point is 01:21:10 Right. Somebody we've never met before, doctor. She jumps in at one point and everybody's like, oh, we're doing a three way rotate. You're fucking brand new. You don't even go here. We were doing. All right.
Starting point is 01:21:20 No, you answer this one. We're doing evens and odds. What the fuck are we doing now? One of the few things they do say, though, is that the president is fine. He's breathing on his own at this time. So, right. So, he's not an economy more than a, is he? Because I thought, calm as you're always on a ventilator.
Starting point is 01:21:34 Can you breathe on your own? He wasn't breathing on his own before. She was cutting the ventilator tubes. Right. Did you just find out, oh, shit, he didn't need that all this time? We never wanted to get in better. Way better. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:21:46 So, okay, then we cut to that nurse that came in during the murder attempt, getting a phone call. This, I love this so goddamn much, right? Because she picks up the phone, she goes, hello, speaking really. Oh, no. Oh, dear. That's very bad. Thanks for the call.
Starting point is 01:22:03 But I love to mom. Bye, right? Okay. Again, just calm down. It was like, oh, no. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I see. Very sad. It was like me explaining like, we're actually at a ranch here at TGI Friday. I can't get you nine. Ramakins a ranch for your disgusting salad that you're going to have that have ranch on it and be worse. So, yeah. So she explains it. So she's at work, right? So she turns to the doctor and this orderly and she's like, that was the police calling.
Starting point is 01:22:36 Apparently, I let a coworker borrow my car and then somebody, a car-jacked her, murdered her and then crashed the car. Yes. I think it was even, it sounded like the colleague had stolen her car. It sounded like her car had been stolen by a colleague who was then shot by a random stranger. Carjacked, yes.
Starting point is 01:22:53 Yeah. So, leave it to this movie to add yet another unnecessary complication, but what we're supposed to get from this is that the first lady is trying to have her killed because she witnessed the murder attempt, right? And the orderly is like, oh, you know, you should just fake your own death. You should pretend like that when you died. And the doctor's like, actually, that is a very good.
Starting point is 01:23:17 So you're just faking your own death at this point. I was just, that would be, that would be nailing it. But before you do go and fake your own death, just go and change things. Change that diaper again like 15 minutes. There's probably a lot of shit in that room. I think they refer to that as a cool brown. Yeah. No.
Starting point is 01:23:32 So and look and they will all agree. They'll be like, yep, you should fake your own death pretend that you died in that car accident. So they don't come after you again. And then the entire movie will carry on with her not having done that. Yes. Right. Because you should just be the nurse still for the rest of the film. Oh, and specifically, because she says this to the president when she goes to see them, she specifically the duty nurse.
Starting point is 01:23:53 And I realized the maker of this movie must have misheard duty nurse for duty nurse. And that's why the issue of the nurse only changes diapers. That's got to be what happened. That's got to be real,. Right. Gotta be real. Like not at all a joke. That must have been what it must have been it. Well, they've got to do this little duty nurses in in hospital. We'll have one now.
Starting point is 01:24:14 So yeah, and she she comes in to like not change his diaper apparently to fake changing his diaper or whatever. And she says, is that movement in your eyes? And I'm like, yes, his eye, he's been clearly blinking through this entire fucking movie, right? And she's like, Oh, well, maybe you can hear me. You remember all those people that you murdered and, and, and one 111, one of them was my father.
Starting point is 01:24:39 And this is where we're all like, wait, that was a white lady who said that. Wait a minute. Yeah. One of them is my father, George Santos. Yeah. Yeah. And she says, I have something for you. It's a CD, a DVD.
Starting point is 01:24:55 Those are different things. Those are different things. It's two different. It's circle thing. I don't know. It's a 53 hours on it. It's an Mb-3- 1 1 0 1 1. It's what it is. So she says it's a it's a five year old multi-lingual mom that is going to tell you a bunch of
Starting point is 01:25:17 stuff about Muslim stuff on a loop for the rest of your life. Why did she have a copy like a CD copy of the kindergarten Karan? I don't know. Why would she be carrying that with her? Yeah, she's not Muslim. We're gonna find out later in the movie that she's definitely not Muslim. So I don't goddamn know.
Starting point is 01:25:35 And we, nothing about the speaking five languages. This is such a cool character. This is like the only interesting character they have. Is this five year old Imam who speaks five languages. No, we don't get any of that. No, we get the English. Not a damn leg. All right.
Starting point is 01:25:50 Well, I'll tell you what, quick before this morphs into a story about the Comatos president becoming a Muslim and yes, that is indeed where we are going, I feel like it's time for a seventh plot stretch. So let me give back three of the hard sell. Why did Eli do this to us? weren't we all friends? What hath God wrought? By not the answer to different questions that are almost entirely unrelated to anything that we've seen up to this point in the movie and more when we return for the Cacophonous conclusion of the president goes to heaven.
Starting point is 01:26:21 My father was in the New York fight apartment on 9 11. You murdered him. Sorry, sorry, yeah, no, I was just changing my shirt. Say, you know, when you're changing shirt, you can't really hear what we're saying. You were changing your shirt in the, in the coma realm. Yeah, in the coma realm. How do you think we're talking right now? Yeah, I'm in the coma realm. Right. Yeah. Obviously, as I was saying, you killed my father on 9 11. Sorry, sorry, I just grabbed slippers. I'm toast. We're killed my father on 9-11. Sorry, sorry, just grabbing slippers. I mean, toes were kind of called, I can say it. So you can't hear me when you go in the other room
Starting point is 01:26:50 of the coma realm. Not really. It's further away in that realm. So just a second, this is a second. All right, all right, yeah, I'm back, sorry. You did 9-11. Now you have to listen to the Quran on DVD CD. What?
Starting point is 01:27:04 No, absolutely. You can't make me yes, I can hitting play in the name of God all on come on stop it stop it right turn it off. This is ridiculous. Stop resisting. Oh, that's it. I'm going to limp and I'm shitting myself. Not of those stories. In the comba realm. Yes.
Starting point is 01:27:34 It's both. Where are you? And we're back for even more of this shit. And we're going to rejoin the action with the floatus chatting with the assistant about trying to find that billion dollar code. And I don't know about you guys, but like I was I was elated at this moment because I was like, oh my god, they remembered a plot point that they'd introduced. Right, they gave me a hope for the rest of the movie.
Starting point is 01:28:01 But we've spent a whole much time establishing that the accountant who created this account died in a freak accident after he created the account and nobody could ever know what the code was except for the president. And they're very casual about the fact that he's dead. Like this movie has a very casual approach to life and death. Like people having died just does not raise an eyebrow to anybody at any point in this. No one surprised by it. No. They're also both barefoot. Why were they both barefoot?
Starting point is 01:28:31 I didn't know. I missed that. I guess they're casual. They're casual. Flotters is in her own house, but why is the assistant best? Right. Yeah. Oh, this Airbnb was like, you're all taking your shoes off before you come inside. Yeah, clearly. You only have this half, by the way. So and then we cut to, we cut straight from there to the CDVD or whatever of the little, this like 10 year old girl, Muslim girl, explaining to us that Muslims are a okay, right? Because they're not filthy atheists. We spend, I'm going to say, it's
Starting point is 01:29:06 something like three fucking minutes with this girl just doing a monologue about how Islam is actually pretty cool, if you give it a chance. Oh, God, and she's so bored by this. She's clearly reading this off bits of paper just off screen. And even if she is bored by this entire thing, but when it finished, what I really wanted was her to carry on and do the same speech again, but in like farcey or Arabic. And so, like, I could say that by languages. Yeah. Yeah. Somebody runs in and tackles the TV. Sorry. I heard. Okay. Shoot it. It had a similar style. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:29:36 So, but there's there's some weird shit in this video, right? Like she's basically she gives us to look at the trees, apologetic, right at length. Yeah. And then she was to clear up a few things she explains that the 64 versions thing, that's nonsense, that doesn't happen because human spirits are non-binary. There are no men or women when you get to heaven and they have no memory of their life on earth.
Starting point is 01:30:03 So they're not you. Oh, okay, good job. I was like, so you have an air go? You have something after air go there. Good job, man. Okay. She's like, do you want your soul to burn in hell forever? I'm like, well, if it's a blank slate,
Starting point is 01:30:20 where my fucking personality used to be, why the fuck would I care? I'm sure. Ask the fuck would I care? Ask whoever I would be then. It's very much like worrying what happens to your plates after you've finished the meal and they go back into the kitchen. So I don't, they're not my plates anymore. It doesn't matter.
Starting point is 01:30:34 It's no trace of my food on it anymore. Why would I care? You guys bring in eco lab. It doesn't matter. What are you talking about? Yeah. Yeah. And okay, but this is when coma ghost president, yes, he comes a Muslim because of this. He turns Muslim based on her
Starting point is 01:30:53 look at the trees argument. Yes. Question. Does that count during a coma? I don't think it should count. It totally does. It obviously does. Because not only does it count, but a magical Muslim angel lady appears. Well, I'm pretty sure the little girl steps out of the DVD CD like the ring and is now a grown woman in the hospital room. Yeah, it becomes someone else. Oh, okay. All right. Interesting. Could also be that. And it's so funny because like suddenly there's this woman, you know, dressed all in white that's standing in and the corner of his room talking to him about the truth of Allah and I assumed as I'm sure you guys did that she's supposed to be some kind of ghost or
Starting point is 01:31:33 some kind of angel that only he can sense or whatever. But then the nurse comes in the shit nurse, the duty nurse comes in and goes, who the fuck are you? I'm laughing her so long. She's like, oh, you can see me, because I just stepped out of a TV. I thought I was a ghost. I thought only the Muslim just never did. Wow. Am I in regular Rome?
Starting point is 01:31:54 I thought I was in some other room. Fuck. Okay, no, but I'm magical. I'm a magical Muslim lady. And the nurse is like, all right, bitch. Gonna test your Muslim magic or whatever. She totally does. Yes.
Starting point is 01:32:06 Let's see if you can do any mentalism tricks right now for me. How many fingers am I holding up? Literally. Literally. Cause she said, well, she says I can talk to the president, even though he's in a coma. She's like, okay, well, what if I stay in here where he can see behind my back and you can't and ask you how many fingers I've hold up and we do that for oh, why? Oh, it's so long.
Starting point is 01:32:27 It's like two. It's one. Now it's three. And now you're doing a bunny rabbit and now you can try and do a bird. But you're only using one hand so it's really convincing. Like, I didn't know you got amputee birds, but you're doing an amputee bird. She starts with how many fingers and magic Muslim ladies like to she's like, okay, fuck. Well, you know, one and five.
Starting point is 01:32:48 All right. What's in my hand now? And I was like, well, it kind of has to be nothing because like it wasn't now what's in your hand and Muslims ladies like nothing empty fist. She's like, wow, okay. Yes, right. And now I'm ready to convince the way to convincing me that you Imagine Muslim ghost. Now what finger middle finger fuck. Yep. Okay. I'm Muslim too. Got it. But I got all of those answers correct as well. So apparently I am also an angel from Muhammad. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:33:18 Yeah. I was close, but on the second one, what was in a hand, I went for a massive part of the president's shit. I thought he's working. He's permanent. But but apparently, coma ghost president feels really bad about his complicity in 111. He didn't cause it, but he knew it was going to happen and he went along with it so he could stay president and he feels bad about it. And the reason he feels bad about it is because when he died when his wife killed him for that second, he went to heaven. But then they wouldn't let him in and they showed him hell where all the people who actually made 9-11, all the my hop people were, right? Is that what that was? Is that the president going to heaven? The eponymous heaven, not the eponymous president goes to? Yes.
Starting point is 01:34:05 I missed all of that. I tuned out because as he was speaking, his register got more and more incredulous to the point where I could no longer pay any attention. He's got nowhere else to go in this register. This guy does not have the chops to keep going up. Let's just believe that. Let's go. I'm going to go down.
Starting point is 01:34:20 I'm going to lose it here. I'm going to start back below. I'm going lose it here. I'm gonna go back to the low. Get a start down. But yeah, but he begged Muhammad for mercy and and Mo's said yes, but on the condition that he became a Muslim, right? I guess. Yeah. And then this is also what we learned that that wooden box that he was trying to open that the secret service
Starting point is 01:34:41 was trying to get into, that wooden box has got them who sayings had in it. That's what was in that box. In case you were curious, we finally wrapped up that story live. Why does that get wrapped up? This Muslim ghost lady who crawled out of the TV, she does her mentalism trick. Everybody's Muslim, I guess.
Starting point is 01:35:03 And she's like, oh yeah, one more quick thing. He has the severed head of Saddam Hussein in a wooden box. Okay, poof. And it's gone forever. That's the whole scene. She, yeah, she disappears Batman style. Yes. As the, as the ladies look in the other way, but also, yes, so what?
Starting point is 01:35:17 He's got like, I don't know. Is that, I mean, yeah, it's meant to be shocking, but it was, surely the beheading bit was a shocking bit. The fact that he's got the heads, like, this doesn't resolve anything. This doesn't change anything about anything that's happened in this film. It's not a big shock or surprise. It's just like, oh, okay, I guess, fine. Yeah, right.
Starting point is 01:35:34 It's got to be somewhere. So, okay, so then we cut to the float as harassing Doc in the parking lot. And she's like, hey, you know, we set up something earlier about you using electrodes to make my, my husband's brain waves talk to us like that can't have just been a throwaway line. Can it? And he's like, no, there's no way to do that. The only way to communicate with him is maybe if you believe in spiritualists that can
Starting point is 01:35:58 communicate with the dead. Now, to be clear, he's not dead. He's alive though. Yeah. He's alive. I want a spiritualist to come in and be like, okay, I will speak to the, no, he's, I'm his eyes are open. He's blinking. What do you, why would you bring me in? This is a very baffling scene for a number of reasons. So it's baffling that we're, we're in the car park at this point because she, she's harassing the doctor in the car park. This guy can't get a moment's peace. He's always, what I expect is that he's in the car park, forming an emergency
Starting point is 01:36:28 trackie otomy, and she's interrupting that because she only seems to talk to him midway through operations. He's talking about how he's got a team of researchers who are inventing the mind-weeding machine. Yeah. So this chief surgeon in the Trombord and Colmar Ward of the hospital. The world's large has a team of researchers. Yes, looking into mind reading. Yeah. And then as Baffling is that is, he gets a phone call and takes the fucking phone call in the middle of this scene while she stands four inches from his face staring at his
Starting point is 01:36:58 face the entire time. Well, he gets a brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Hi, honey, you're talking to me now. You want me to walk away from whatever lady's father in your hand? Okay, I'll do that. I have to go, I have to go, bye. But they fuck that up right? Because they're there, they're clearly going for that drop.
Starting point is 01:37:15 But then he fit, we watch him finish the conversation, hang up the phone and then look at her like, oh, I fucked it up. I'm just carrying on, just carrying on over there. Oh, I can't see. So, okay, so now we cut to the hospital cafeteria I'm just carrying on, just carrying on over there. Okay. So now we cut to the hospital cafeteria where apparently they're discussing, this took me a while to figure out because they're using the wrong gendered pronouns here, but they're back at the hospital cafeteria talking about the ghost Muslim lady.
Starting point is 01:37:39 Oh, no, no, Vinotavi. Yes. I think they're talking about, he did this, he did that. I thought they were talking about mediums and things and call them charlatans. Like in the previous scene, they were talking about we need a medium to talk to him. And then they start discussing the medium who came in and was doing just chicane and really in tricks. And I thought, have they cut out the scene with the medium in?
Starting point is 01:37:59 And we're just going to analyze something we didn't see happen? No, no, so they specifically talk about the fingers, the nurse holding up the fingers behind her back and everything. It's just that they hadn't filmed that scene yet and apparently thought that they were gonna get a guy to do that scene and ended up getting a woman to do it. Right? Because they specifically mentioned a couple of different things that happened with that must have. Wow, that is baffling. It's so stupid. Fuck it, hell. So, and then you're, so you're probably wondering
Starting point is 01:38:27 how the doctors love life is doing at this point in the movie, probably of all the relationships that you're concerned with. The wife that calls him in the car park earlier is probably the one that's really sticking in your car. Well, don't worry. This movie's going to go to deal with that now. At the end of that conversation that he was like faking, he actually wasn't. She was like, no, are you doing like that trope where you're walking away? We have to talk about something real, our relationship. She got mad at him. And now she's showing up.
Starting point is 01:38:55 Yeah. She's showing up to divorce him. Yes. Right. She's showing up with their gardener who she's been having an affair with. He's getting deported and she's going to go with him now because she's leaving the doctor. But am I right in thinking that the only way in which we find out that that's the gardener
Starting point is 01:39:15 is in the credits at the end that he's listed as gardener because they only refer to him as Manuel, Jew in the actual film. Do they say gardener at any point? Actually, you know what? I don't know. I may have just been getting that off of your notes. I was checking it. They say they say Manuel, which to them is synonymous with Gardner. Yeah. We all know what Manuel was doing there. Come on, Manuel, really? But in the credits, he's not listed as Manuel at any point. He's only listed as chief physician's Gardner, a job description. He's not given at any point of the point. He's only listed as Chief Physician's Gardner, a job description. He's not given
Starting point is 01:39:45 at any point in the movie, he runs the name that he is given in the movie. The only thing you know about his name is my brother. So you've got to piece it together from context please, by eliminating other people from the cast. No, we have no idea who he is. And he shows up. Manuel is in this, he walks in with the wife. And he's introduced this man, well for a second, I was like, who the fuck is man? Well, is this the movie now? What is happening? And the doctor, she's like, you're never home and he takes care of me. And he's like, I can change.
Starting point is 01:40:16 What do I need? What do I need to do? And she's like, you need a larger penis. And I mean, what is happening in my life right now? I don't know what's going. And he's like, but you can't what's going, and he's like, but you can't take my kids and she's like, they're actually men, Wells kids.
Starting point is 01:40:29 I have the DNA evidence right here. Inspecifically the same envelope as the divorce papers, which is thrifty, that is wrong. You don't have to fall comfortable to envelops. And also, I don't like, I don't want to make a racial thing about this, but man, well, is black, right? Like, so he didn't notice his kids, his kids were black. He's away a lot.
Starting point is 01:40:48 He is away. The movie doesn't see race, Noah. Movie does not see race. That's true. You're right. You're right. As Manuel just stood beside them for this entire time. The way he just very casual, as he says, like,
Starting point is 01:41:05 as he walks off his desk, he's probably my favorite moment of the whole film, and possibly my favorite moment of my whole life. It's incredible. I laughed a while. Just manual.
Starting point is 01:41:14 He's like, sorry, I don't know why I'd be here for this. Hi. Right. I'm going to say to the car. I'm going to watch him. He's going to say to me,
Starting point is 01:41:24 he might as well be like, ask him over other time, I've heard. So yeah, they leave. Man, well, so sorry to do what we root about it. And then the doctor sits down in the other doctor, the one that was taking the odd questions when he was doing even says, it's okay. I've been married seven times and they all left and took everything I owned.
Starting point is 01:41:42 And I'm like, that's, that's not okay. We're not, things are not better now. You can't get you out of helping my dude. You know, it's helping me here. Also, you want to say full marriage is in pre-nub. Come on, learn your lesson. You've got a plan. Yeah, last three I blame on you, man.
Starting point is 01:41:59 Okay. Marry me, divorcing steal my body four times. Shame on you. Marry me, four times my body four times. Shame on you. Marry me four times. You don't have to fight that. So. And so, okay, then we cut to the doctors discussing ways that they could secretly send the president to China for the stems.
Starting point is 01:42:19 I feel like you'd go to Mexico. It's closer. But anyway, so it sent them to China for stem cell treatment. And then we cut, and they're like, well, you know, the media would figure it out. Well, what if we do, have you guys seen Ferris Bueller? What if we put like some pillows under the blanket? It's an old counteracum, and we're on a string. And then turn that, yep,. The trophy would come down.
Starting point is 01:42:45 Yeah, so we cut to our fucking world Christian wrestling news reporter from before, explaining to us that the president is too contagious now with a drug resistant disease for anyone to go see him. And that's why nobody is able to go see him. That's nothing to do with going to China nailed it. That's the nobody is able to go see him. There's nothing to do with going to China. Nailed it. That's the whole scene. So like the movie thought that people would watch this movie and be like, hold on. Now the movie doesn't make sense.
Starting point is 01:43:13 Wouldn't people want to go see the film? One line from a news guy, bad infection, you can't. Nobody's like, okay, okay. Yeah, but that's a level of consistency in terms of giving the audience explanations that they don't follow through to when we do actually meet the president's stunt double in the hospital room in a moment. It gets even number. They don't know. Yeah. So, okay. So we cut to the float is she's talking to this discourager. We haven't mentioned him yet, but he's the guy who is like taking the brain images of the president and talking constantly
Starting point is 01:43:45 about being able to build a computer that'll read his fucking mind, right? In the space of a week. Yeah, he's minding's that in a week. Yeah. He's finished this research. He is making it work. Right. And he's 19.
Starting point is 01:43:56 Yeah. So, but the 19 year old surgeon is talking to the floatus now. And she's like, I'm really excited about the mind reading computer that you're working on. Here's a check for $100,000. And he's like, Oh, I thank you for that, I guess. She's like, but can I be the first one to ask him a question? And he's like, well, I don't know because he's got this drug resistant disease that you can't go in there and see him. She's like, I just gave you $100,000. She's like, but in that case, yes. Yes. It's actually just a blank sheet of printer paper, but we'll pretend you gave me a hundred
Starting point is 01:44:28 thousand dollars. Oh, yeah. I'll tell you what it wasn't. It wasn't. And nobody saw that. Fucking lines. Oh my God. Just learn your lines. I have them written down. You're carrying a piece of paper at least write your lines on that. And there you go. Pause constantly. So she brings him in so that she can ask a question of the president, but then he explains that he actually has a new and more severe form of brain damage and can't speak even using the mind reading computer, which we've then introduced into this movie
Starting point is 01:44:58 in like six different scenes only to never use. So okay. So then and keep in mind that what's supposed to have happened is that they're supposed to have actually taken the president to China, swapped in a different person in a coma with his body into his room and made up this story about him having a drug resistant infection, which means that she was standing next to a different person with a coma and didn't notice it wasn't her husband. Yes, because his face was off shot. Oh, great. Yes, right. Exactly. Because then we get this seat. We're apparently they forgot, like, oh, wow, how would she have a knife? So we get this really quick shot of her like at home choosing between her many big knives.
Starting point is 01:45:49 And then we get like, honestly, I'm sure we all considered best worst stabbing, right? Yeah. She pulls out this coming again, you know, the ribbon cutting scissors of knives. It is exactly that. Right. We also with 67 to send in this is what we got our first sound effect of the entire film, you know, the ribbon cutting scissors of knives. It is exactly that. Right. We're 67 and this is where we get our first sound effect of the entire film, which is that knife. I don't know what the sound effects meant to be, but I'm just excited that they found one.
Starting point is 01:46:13 Well, not only did they find one, but they found it 31 times in a row. Yes. So much so that it runs over the dialogue into the next scene. Really slow stab. Really slow stab. If she does this like nine times, then she's like, okay, that's good. So that's good. She pulls out the knife. She's sitting in front of the husband, the comatose patient that she hasn't yet noticed
Starting point is 01:46:37 isn't her husband. She stands up. The camera rises up above him, right, so that we don't have to see the the journey. Indeed, she takes the knife all the way up above. She like very clearly dips it in a red paint bucket that's not really super duper close up above him, right, so that we don't have to see the, the journey. Indeed, she takes the knife all the way up above. She like very clearly dips it in a red paint bucket that's not really super duper close to the guy she's supposed to be having. And then lifts it up and does that again, like for fucking time.
Starting point is 01:46:57 Yeah, like she's winding back a trebuchet. She's so winging away. trebuchet. Again, this is some other guy in a, they found a body double coma guy. And she's like, yes, my husband. Yeah. Right. Right. So, okay. So then we cut to the dot casually chatting with his colleagues about how best to cover up the photos of murderous rampage. Right. So, and what they land on, and this is so insane, I have no idea how you get there, but they're like, well, we'll just have to pretend that the president is dead,
Starting point is 01:47:33 and then when he gets back from China, he'll be alive. That's the most logical way to go from here. And everybody's like, yeah, no, that makes perfect sense. That does make perfect sense. Is that what they agree on? Because they agree that they were going with the story that the president was dead, but I thought, well, he isn't dead. And then he's going to come back and try to not dead.
Starting point is 01:47:55 So like, why are you going to bring the president back after he's announced his dead? Or why announce him is dead if you know he's not. Surely, what the hospital need to do here is go like, oh yeah, no, she's a different patient died. The president somewhere else. Right. Ever be more excited about the president is still alive. None of this is not just broke me. This broke me so much. Their plan is to have a close casket fake funerals. So the close word there covers the lie until they have to bring back the alive president. They just ignore that. Somebody's like, hold on though, I don't know if this plan is going to work. What about the insurance
Starting point is 01:48:28 companies covering the coma fake coma guy? They dwell on the insurance part for a second. They do. Yeah. Well, if he's dead, then we're not going to get reimbursed for any of the work that we do on him. Yeah. Yeah. But part of this is they're worried that the first lady will kill him as she finds out that the president's still alive and not dead. But if he's still alive and fine, why would she kill them? Husband's still alive and she can get everything she needs. See, this is why we need socialized medicine. You can't face the murder of the president and then give him the care with the fake guy. And that's why we're a socialist. We don't know. So yeah, so yeah, I have no idea how the therefore works in their universe. But anyway,
Starting point is 01:49:10 we cut immediately from that to the float is speaking of the president's funeral. Again, she's in front of the green screen. It is glitching out so much at this point that you might as well just say it's strobing, right? She's like, my husband is dead and his last words were you sure aren't stabbing me to death. That sure isn't what happened. Right. It's not so much green screen by this point. It's like Zoom call virtual background. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Well, having the funeral at the Golden Gate Bridge, how we.
Starting point is 01:49:42 So but the float is now that her husband's dead. She's still trying to get that number, which means that it's time for her to go to, you guessed it, a psychic immom. I'll let you catch up for a second. This psychic immom is played by the same guy who played the immom from earlier, the one who got shot. Yes, but it's not the same immom. It's a different immom who just looks exactly the same as the use the same actor in exactly
Starting point is 01:50:09 the same costume, basically, but it is a different person. He has four beards, not three. Yeah, exactly. You've got to look at the glasses on his glasses, obviously. And he's reading, he's like doing a reading for him. He's reading from a book in front of him, but he is reading from that book. That book is filled with his lines. It's very clearly they put his lines in the, they made him have a book so he could read his lines from them. Well, it's even worse than that, right? Because they don't want the book to be visible.
Starting point is 01:50:35 So the book is in a drawer on the table that he's holding. He's got the drawer out for no goddamn reason. It's so fucking obvious and stupid. I mean, basically running his fingers along the line to sound out each word, is he? Right, right. And she's like, you know, you're a psychic. I need you to get in touch with my dead husband and have him tell me what the code was
Starting point is 01:50:57 to get into the bank account, right? And the psychic of mom says, actually, your husband's still alive. And so she calls Doc to yell at him for her husband still being alive. To be clear, the plot point here is that she finds out the husband is still alive because mediums are real. And when they try to talk to a dead person who's not dead, nobody answers them. And that medium just told her what happened.
Starting point is 01:51:23 Yeah, no, it went straight to voicemail. So that's the plot. Yeah, yeah. So no, so of course she calls the doctor in the middle of his surgery, right? He has to stop surgerying to tell her. And then the doctor says to her, he's like, hey, look, we had to go along with the murder
Starting point is 01:51:41 and pretend that he was dead so that you wouldn't get in trouble for killing a patient. And I'm like, take me there, Doc. Here's some yarn, here's some pushpins, pictures of everyone in this movie. Just get me there. I have all day, but no. And then she apologizes, she hangs up the phone, she apologizes to the mom. She's like, sorry, that I have her doubted your psychic abilities.
Starting point is 01:52:02 It's like, it's okay, it happens all the time. She tries to give him money, but he won't take it because he's, you know, proper or whatever. He doesn't need money. Right. He doesn't need possessions, though, because during this scene, his digital watch beeps the hours. So he does. Yeah, it's not such a sin.
Starting point is 01:52:19 Right. But he explains that like money is the root of all evil. So don't even worry about that $100 dollars in the Swiss account from the tithing from the oil companies, the work criminals, and you should become a Muslim now. Right. And she does. She does. She does.
Starting point is 01:52:37 Oh, okay. She says the magic Muslim words and becomes a goddamn Muslim. And then she goes outside and she's like, hey, secret service guys, we're gonna have to murder that a mom, he just made me into a Muslim. So now I'm probably going to hell or something. What happens from there, we will never know. So then we cut, Jesus Christ.
Starting point is 01:52:57 Get ready with this. What's happening with channel 69, you know? Ha ha ha. Thanks for about to get so fucking weird on you. Okay, so then we cut to the anchor at Channel 69 News, not the guy that we saw before, a whole new character that is the anchor. And she's telling us about a plane crash,
Starting point is 01:53:13 which we're supposed to fill in like, you know, from the details that we have. It was the plane that the president, the Comatos president was on. It was shot down by an alkydum missile that meant to shoot a Chinese plane down. Yes. I guess is the resolution to the film.
Starting point is 01:53:35 Right? Because immediately after that, a big title card comes up and just says, and they all lived happily ever after. Yeah, no, it does do that. That is what happens. Big titles, those words, yes. And then we have a five minute Muslim musical dance number with all the actors from the movie.
Starting point is 01:53:58 Yes. And then we have credits. That's this is this is end. This is how the movie ends. It does. And that's, so I watched this film before you two guys. I don't know whether you'd seen in my notes and you were prepared for this. I saw this with zero preparation.
Starting point is 01:54:14 And so when they started my notes run, what? No, seriously, what? Oh no, I take it back. Avant-garde music number while they dance in circles and shit the hips. That all makes sense now. While they mind to singing in a language, neither they nor I know. Yes. For a full five minutes, the most confusing five minutes of my life.
Starting point is 01:54:34 Yeah. People saw this like their test audience saw this ending and they were like, what? No, seriously, what? And this movie's version of like, shhh was Muslim, Bollywood dance number? No seriously what and this movies version of like she was Muslim Bollywood dance number five minutes. Yes, and then you forgot the what that you asked and we're done. Oh My god my notes were just my eyes hurt like real bad and my ears. What's the opposite of ASMR?
Starting point is 01:55:08 This is not this is the opposite of ASMR. Oh, oh, shit. His merse. Oh, not exactly. Nice. Nice. Yes, one is more pleasant than the other. And that's it. That's how the whole fucking thing ends. I honestly, how surprised would any of you have been if there hadn't been an after-credits scene that was just Eli going, gotcha, right? Oh God, I'm gonna watch back that five minute dance number and Eli can be one of the characters, isn't he? The writer's dressed as like a medieval of the gorilla doing the moonwalk during the basketball game.
Starting point is 01:55:42 Oh yeah, it's success. It's that movie, like. He's the one that's walking through the whole time. Close your browser window. Eli's shitting behind you somehow. All right. Well, Mars, I lack the words to sufficiently thank you for sitting through that bizarre ass shit.
Starting point is 01:55:59 I can say whatever we ask of you next won't be as strange. Just coherence is all I ask. The ball that I've set myself now, it doesn't have to be good, it doesn't have to be exciting. Just coherent, that's all I ask of you guys. That would be a nice change of pace. It's bee Muslim, it has a coherent ending, I thought. Right, there you go.
Starting point is 01:56:17 And while that's gonna do it for our review of the president goes to heaven, that's not gonna happen for the episode just yet, because we still need to really back it for next week. So heath, tell us what's on deck. We're gonna be watching Lockdown 2025. And I believe it's an apocalypse movie made by the Jehovah's Witnesses.
Starting point is 01:56:36 Oh, all right, that sounds fun. So we'll see how that goes. A J-Dub flick. I mean, anything but this sounds fun, to be honest with you. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring up Episode 389 to a merciful, close once again. Thanks to Mars for hanging out with us today. Be sure to check the show notes for links to all of his stuff and to leave any huge, or thanks to all the Patreon donors to help
Starting point is 01:56:54 make the show go. If you let yourself among their ranks, you can perhaps donate to patreon.com. slash god offline there by your own early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five star review and by sharing the show in only a various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows. This is getting any of the citation to DAD minus in the scapecracket. I'll be able to wear every podcast live. If you have questions, comments or suggestions, you can email gmail.com, legal surfaces of this podcast or provide it by the law if this is a P. Andrew Taurus.
Starting point is 01:57:16 Tim Robertson takes care of our social media. Our theme song is written, performed by Ryan Slot, and the people who draft son Mars. All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morton Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check your life this week for Heathen right Neely Bosnick. I'm no illusions, promise to work hard to earn another chunk next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Inventing a mind-reading device proved bit to sweep for the hospital with a coalmawad full
Starting point is 01:57:38 of right victims. That dance number remained burned to the back of my eyes forever. George W. Bush went to Muslim Heaven. And there, everybody's a mentalist. Larry, how do you like it when I do it? Lowercase Larry, Larry. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2023, all rights reserved. Larry Larry.
Starting point is 01:58:24 The preceding podcast was production of Puzzle and a Thundersdroom LLC, Copyright 2023, all rights reserved.

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