God Awful Movies - 391: The Secret: Dare to Dream

Episode Date: February 14, 2023

This week, the guys team up for an atheist review of The Secret: Dare to Dream, the story about how you can have anything in life just through the power of positive thinking and mountains of unacknow...ledged privilege. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Un chapuzón, un aladito, tu serie favorita y en medio de tu siesta. ¡Ey! ¿Has visto esta? No sabes la de planazos que hay este verano en Guésville Parkesur, con ciertas obsesiones con DJs, clases de yoga, talleres con martas y actividades con niños, te apuntas. Un sueño de verano, bailguésville Parkesur. So they're all leaving the restaurant that night. Dan is like, hey, do you want me to watch the kids tonight so y'all can do like outfit stuff or something? And he's like, yeah, I guess. I guess. Oh, yes, I would love to have sex with Tucker tonight. Yep. Sounds, ooh, yeah, Mers, I can't wait to...
Starting point is 00:00:47 Ha ha ha ha. Sorry, what's that gonna just have? Ah ha ha ha. Yeah. Ha ha ha. movie Welcome back to the gamecast where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because if we don't keep moving We'll sink on your host no illusions and sitting 700 miles to my immediate left is my good friend Heath and right Heath Welcome back. Thanks, though. Atlas shrugged romcom. I've been saying for years. And finally, we delivered God and sitting nine under most of my northeast is my bad friend,
Starting point is 00:01:33 Eli Bosnick. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? I am amazing, Noah. And if I wasn't, I would just squeeze the butt cheeks and then I would be. That be How it works I just locked you I did Unsqueeze Tell us what butt cheeks squeezing movie will we be breaking down today I Shat myself. I just For the rest of the
Starting point is 00:02:03 Yeah, that was my vision board. So damn it. We watched, I knew I should have gone with bigger than eight by 11. We watched the secret dare to dream. The secret to sort of as best they could to continue the franchise. Kind of. It's the love story of a genius inventor
Starting point is 00:02:27 hijacking the affection of a struggling single mom using universe magic. That's really the plot. And to be clear, by universe magic, I mean money, by your money to buy things. Money and free time and Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you're so opposed to understanding your privilege that you'll literally resort to telling yourself
Starting point is 00:02:51 that the universe loves you more than starving children in Africa. Yes, you will love this movie. Yep. Yeah, so to be clear, we're not watching the secret, which I discovered after seven minutes of watching the secret and realizing it just wasn't matching up with Eli's notes. We're watching an uninspired romcom that has been ever so slightly peppered with references to the secret in some kind of a boarded attempt to create a cinematic the secret verse,
Starting point is 00:03:20 which we stand on this podcast. Look, trying to create a verse in any art form. We appreciate your experience. It's harder than it looks. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best to be in the worst hat? Best word slap. Oh my god. We're slapping. There's, okay, the main character played by Katie Holmes does a slap of one of the other main characters at one point, because it seems like he betrayed her somehow and it's the saddest slap. It was like so very clearly like I almost literally missed. We should do another take and you watch her think that and then no, the guy who is
Starting point is 00:03:56 supposed to get slapped is like, did you want the Mulligan or are we rolling? If there had been a butterfly sitting on his cheek, I don't know that it would have been disturbed enough to flutter away by the light little slap that she gave. It was incredible. All right. So I was, I was going to go, well, I was, I was going to go with best worst slap, but he beat me to it. I was going to go as my second place with best worst envelope sealant.
Starting point is 00:04:25 Now, so okay, so here's what happens. So on the book, the secret, right, the cover has the title on like a wax seal of old parchment or whatever. And that's sort of the symbol of the movie. So there's an envelope that plays a prominent role in this movie, but it's sealed with a wax seal like it's from the fucking Tautonic order or some shit for just no reason. No reason. It's legal documents.
Starting point is 00:04:49 Yes. Also bad reason. Like you would not want to wax seal the documents will eventually learn right inside that awful. Exactly. Right. I love it. No, the envelope might as well be the book, the secret just going through the whole
Starting point is 00:05:02 movie. I'm sorry. I literally cannot wait to talk about this fucking envelope and how devil make care. Our protagonist is it? I it's unbelievable. Yep. And it's what we get instead of a plot for the first two acts just this envelope. Yeah. And I'm going to go with best worst in gratitude. So here's what this movie is going for. Early on, we're supposed to see that these people are negative thinkers, the lady and her kids, their negative thinkers,
Starting point is 00:05:30 they're not manifesting positivity. But what that actually plays out as is they are the least grateful pieces to all the nice people in their life. There's a, I'm going to go ahead and say it's sequence of 20 minutes minutes they spend with their grandma, where all that grandma does is like, you kids want something nice and they're like, fuck you, you. You bitch. It's so off.
Starting point is 00:05:56 All right, well, tell you what, we've got two acts and nothing on a third play and makeup to look forward to. So we're gonna take a quick break to prepare. And when we come back, we'll dive into all the magical coincidences that are the secret dare to dream. Lulu Lulu, doing heat stuff, heat stuff? It's my favorite stuff.
Starting point is 00:06:16 Lulu Lulu. But hello there, he- Oh, hey, inside out little girl. I haven't seen you on the show for a while. What are you doing here? Well, I'm glad you asked. I'm here to tell you that big cell phone company are a bunch of f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing Whoa, where did that come from?
Starting point is 00:06:32 But I picked up a sponsorship. Gotta get that money, you know what I mean? Glunk, gis and tour, gith? Oh, hey. Former First Lady Melania Trump, what's up? Cascarth, come here to gel hurt. Week, cell phone company are a bunch of
Starting point is 00:06:47 grilled macros. Oh, okay. Look, ladies, I understand that big cell phone companies spend a ton of time attacking each other for my business, but I'm not going to shop at either of those companies because I have mint mobile. What's mint mobile?
Starting point is 00:07:03 Well, if saving more and spending less is one of your top goals for 2023, why are you still paying insane amounts of money every month for your phone bill? Switching to Mint Mobile is the easiest way to save this year, as the first company to sell premium wireless service online only. Mint Mobile lets you order from home and save a ton with phone plans starting at just $15 a month. Chiff Queen, dolers have month, you are stealing my children. What, nope, did you say I'm stealing your children? I feel like I'm a children.
Starting point is 00:07:32 No, I am not stealing your children by going online only and eliminating the traditional costs of retail, meant mobile passes significant savings on to you. All plans come with unlimited talk and text, plus high speedspeed data delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. Plus, you can use your own phone with any Mint mobile plan and switch easily in minutes with ESA.
Starting point is 00:07:53 All right, Heath, I'm sold! Where do I sign up? To get your new wireless plan for just $15 a month and get the plan shipped to your door for free, go to MintMobile.com slash Gam. That's minthmobile.com slash GAM. Cut your wireless build at $15 a month at minemobile.com slash Gam. All right, thanks, Heath. So you just wanna clarify is you are stealing my children just like an expression that you use,
Starting point is 00:08:21 Mollion, yeah, to know, like a bogwich. Nope. I don't know. I also don't know. Oh, to know. Bogwich? Bogwich. A bogwich, obviously. Yeah, a bogwich.
Starting point is 00:08:37 Coming in this tap-tall Tyler here, like I... Huh? Get out of the sketch, tall Tyler! Ha-ha-ha! Alright, everybody. Welcome to the first writer's meeting of the sketch, tall dialer. Alright, everybody. Welcome to the first writers meeting of the secret dare to dream. Now, before we get started, let's just take a second to acknowledge the miracle that by total chance, we all happen to be in this meeting right now.
Starting point is 00:08:59 Breath taking. Yes. Thank you. I mean, we scheduled the meeting. Sorry, I'm sorry, Carl, who's this that's speaking now? Oh, yeah, this is Craig. He's the actual writer for like the movie parts of the movie. Oh, right.
Starting point is 00:09:15 Yes. Oh, hello, Craig. All right. So obviously, we want this to be a romance. Home or? Yes, exactly, exactly. All those beats, but we want the message to be, you know, just what miracles are possible, would you believe? Oh, miracles like religious type stuff.
Starting point is 00:09:33 Oh, not. No, not necessarily. I mean, that's what a miracle is. That's not how we use the word miracle. You don't use the definition of the word. No, we don't sorry. I am manifesting understanding and amazing collaboration. Me too. I'm also doing that. Okay, so by miracles, you mean like when good coincidences happen? No, not always coincidences, Craig. Sometimes you bring things into your life. Like when you order a beautiful shirt. And then it just comes in the mail. Okay, so good coincidences and sometimes when you buy things, you have the things that you buy.
Starting point is 00:10:23 Exactly. Yes, that's it. Got it, yeah, great, okay. I'll have a draft by Monday, so. Oh, wow, really no moral objections. Oh, no, no, no. I'm a writer for Gravy Toss Ventures. I'm just relieved you're not Christian, so no problem. Hey, I'm manifesting a car right now.
Starting point is 00:10:43 Do you mean buying? Are you buying a car with money? Yes. Okay. And we're back for the breakdown. And we're going to start off with this hilarious series of production qualities in ever descending quality and grandiosity until the last one is just stuck to the fridge with a magnet.
Starting point is 00:11:04 God. Lions gate and then at the end, it's like with secret truck sales and or also movies one time maybe. Okay, so when we're about to start one of these, I'll often be like, all right, let me do a quick check on IMDB. Just get a little background before I start. And I look at the poster, just the poster and it's Katie Holmes very clearly being all angsty on a dock. And I was like, great.
Starting point is 00:11:28 So Dawson's Creek, but everybody's 40. This is going to be awesome. Yeah. Love that. And then I also see that there's a main character named, Bray. Yeah. He are a Y. And I was like, I quit the show.
Starting point is 00:11:39 I'm quitting now. The other male lead is Tucker. It's so. Tucker. But Bray's just a noise horses make. Like like wolfstrom alpha was like do you mean the noise horses make and I was like no the name and out Wolfstrom alpha was like no man If throughout the movie he was just like Like then maybe they're right. He's a horse and disguise the whole time she opens up the envelope at the end It's just one piece of paper that says,
Starting point is 00:12:05 I'm a horse. I see. All right, so but we're opening it up on a hurricane heading towards Louisiana, right? Or maybe not, maybe it's heading towards Louisiana. Maybe it's gonna go elsewhere. Who knows? And then we settle in on a couple of fishermen.
Starting point is 00:12:21 And I guess Katie Holmes wants to buy this guy's crabs. It's not as sexy as I'm making it sound. No, yeah. And this movie never decides how this fish market slash restaurant is doing. Like it, one of the threads and look, this movie loses a lot of fucking threads. But the very first thread they're going to lose is like, she's a hard work in fish marketer. No, she's not. Never mind. That's. Nope. She's never going to show up for work at any point. Yes. But don't worry, her sassy co-workers who are her dear, dear friends will speak exactly one line each later in the film. Right. Yeah. They're all coming back. Yeah. But yeah,
Starting point is 00:13:01 we see her doing her hard work. She has to go out to the docs that are like, apparently this seafood restaurant is right up against the docs. They just go out and buy fish directly from the boats. And she's doing that. She does the stupid like scribbling something onto a paper way too fast to actually have written anything bit and hands the dude and voice. So fucking dumb. Yeah, I want to be like, you just scribbled. What what are you hand? This is just obviously there's no words. What do I do with this? And that's, I'm just, so this is Joey Potter for me. I'm a, I'm a child of the Dawson's Creek generation.
Starting point is 00:13:32 This is Joey Potter. So I'm just putting Dawson's Creek stuff into everything she says at this point. Fair. So she's just like scribbling and I'm just like, I don't want to wait. I can't, I can't hear you. So, but she, we learned that she's late for her dentist appointment
Starting point is 00:13:47 and then she goes upstairs where the guy who owns the restaurant who is also her boyfriend who is also verna from stand by me. Now we're in my generation here. Okay, it's Gerry O'Connell. Gerry O'Connell, he's there being like, hi, I'm the boring boyfriend at the beginning of the movie. And she's like, you sure are, Fern from Stand By Me. She's like, oh, I got these crabs cheap. And he goes, that's my girl. And I wrote in my notes, you know, I've never said that's my girl to affirm Anna. I'm going to try it out. Please sing it, my funeral. So, and we should probably point out early on right that like from the very beginning of this movie We have to reinforce the secrets bullshit right the which is the idea that like positive thinking brings positive shit to you or whatever
Starting point is 00:14:35 So we have to see it constantly we have to see her Negative thinking so stupid right. I was gonna say and the opposite, which in the beginning of this movie, is that negative thinking brings hurricanes to you. Right? Okay. Everybody should be doing a vision board with some Sharpie and making that storm angle away from where they are. Norlands.
Starting point is 00:14:59 If you believe this and anything about you is on your vision board. You're a pleasure, Monster. Well, yeah, I mean, keep in mind like what a dangerous thing it is to tell people, Nila, where's do you can do if there's a hurricane may be coming is prepared because then you're thinking about it coming. Yeah. Anyway, so now it's time to meet our magical love interest. We check in on a hotel in the French quarter, handsome makes handsome walks in, right? He's like, I have a reservation for a hotel room here. Reservations, if you know what I mean, and he's so like, he's supposed to be the good guy and it remains that way through the movie. All of my notes are like, this is not this guy's weird and creepy and
Starting point is 00:15:43 evil for sure. Yeah. Well, that's what's amazing is this sort of like I can think it into existence to spaggery comes off as serial killer level confidence. Like a serial killer. Yes. The secret wants us to be like, isn't this the like the wide eyed yoga teachers who we've assigned to sell you this book and this TVT. But we're just like, I don't know, man, I think he's got Charza hands in his face.
Starting point is 00:16:08 Yeah. His eye contact is too long. Yeah. Right. He's like, you know, do you have a room with a view and Sloan the hotel clerk, she's going to be a major character. Sloan says, no, you know, those are all full. And he's like, well, let me positive think for a second.
Starting point is 00:16:24 And then on made comes out and says, Hey, a room with a view just opened up unexpectedly. Ridiculous. Yeah. Room one, by the way, is the claim. Yes. Room one is never the best room. You're a liar. That vision board literally vision board. It was wrong about views just now. That's never the best room. What are the girls that desk to be like, Hey, man, did you use your magic powers just now to get a room instead of like pure child cancer? No, I was do. I'm always thinking about children with cancer, only the cancerous ones. So meanwhile, you validate this parking.
Starting point is 00:17:00 No, no, meanwhile, we check in on Katie Holmes. She said the dentist, she needs a root canal. And you're probably thinking, well, I guess they've spent so much time on this dentist shit now. That's probably going to affect the remainder of the movie in some fucking way, right? No, it will not. All it's going to do is remind us how dumb the premise of the fucking secret is. Dentistry disproves that entire book. And this entire right. Yes. Yeah. Also, there are a lot of times when the members of this podcast
Starting point is 00:17:31 can say like check your privilege to a movie, but you just have one root canal and it's only going to cost you $2,300. This podcast, we can top it. I think we can. I think we can. So yeah. And so she, we see she's in her car. She's driving on the news is like the latest forecast. She just that the hurricane is going to miss us. And of course, she negative thinks that it. She goes, sure. Right. Again. So like this movie's argument is all the people in Katrina who died. It was their fault that that hurricane hit. It was their negative thinking wondering, oh God, what am I going to do? Yeah. You should have vision boarded higher than sea level by a lot.
Starting point is 00:18:14 A negative number. You should have been more depositive number. Your fault. I mean, let's be fair. This is a movie based on a movie based on a book that says Holocaust victims didn't use positive thinking to their advantage. So yeah, we're not- That's yes, right!
Starting point is 00:18:29 We're not far from the source material. No. Alright, so now we're gonna check in on Rey. That was the magical hotel guy. He's got my best work. He's got a Manila envelope from fucking Staples with an old timing medieval wax seal on the god damn thing. With a wax seal? Is he inviting Katie Holmes to a royal ball in the 17th century?
Starting point is 00:18:51 What the fuck is happening? Okay. Can we spoil the contents of this envelope? Because I think it's important to understand how shitty the rest of this movie is. Inside that envelope, he has proof that he gave her dead husband credit for the invention that they made together along with a check for $104,000. Yes, my friends, if you have a check for $104,000
Starting point is 00:19:19 for someone, they do not care what you do at their house for how long or when you stay until they arrive and then you deliver the check. Just wire it already have wired the money. Right. Well, you open with, I have a check for $106,000 for you. That's the opening words out of your goddamn mouth. But yeah, we'll spend the entire movie going like I wonder what's in the envelope
Starting point is 00:19:46 And when it reveals that the entire thing falls apart because you're like, well, why wouldn't you have just given that to or you Torturous fuck because everybody talks past each other for two hours like a sitcom until they can like reveal this It's so dumb. That's the entire premise everything nice that he does for the rest of the movie is fucking insane in context that he has a check for her for $104,000. Yeah. Yeah. So, okay. We're gonna spend a lot of time there as we go.
Starting point is 00:20:17 Go ahead. So he shows up with the envelope. Nobody answers the door. He goes around the back and her son is sitting out on the dock, right? He's fishing with this casting line that his inventor dad made before he died. So we established all that. Dad was an inventor. Dad died. This guy's got an envelope from mom. Is there a lot of new fishing line technology happening right now in the present? Are we not enough? Not enough. Reinvent reinventing that stuff not enough cannon-based fishing life
Starting point is 00:20:49 So yes, so the kids he says yeah, I have this envelope for your mom And he's like oh you can give it to me and I'll I'll give it to her. He's like this one comes with an explanation And it's like all right, but now you're withholding a check for a hundred and six thousand dollars from this woman That's not that's bad. Okay, I'll stay here. Nope. Nope. I'll leave and I'll come back sometime later on in the movie now and the kid and this is important. The kid says, okay, but don't tell her we talked. I'm not supposed to talk to strangers. Now we've established why he will remain silent about this for the next five fucking days of movie. Less he ruined the surprise. I really wanted Bray to be like,
Starting point is 00:21:25 hey kid, don't volunteer yourself to be so molestable. That's like a weird, you're like, volunteer's weird, don't do that. Yeah, right, right. So, okay, so we cut back to Katie Holmes driving through town, thinking negatively. So, negative thinking saltwater, taffy eater.
Starting point is 00:21:45 Yeah, she's looking at everybody boarding up their windows and she's going, I bet the storm is gonna hit us really bad and everything's gonna be really awful for all of us. And then she gets a call from her dead husband's mom. This is Bobby. Okay, I almost went with best worst cell phone on camera. I don't know why, but one out of every like 10, 20,
Starting point is 00:22:09 maybe even 30 movies we watch, has never seen how cell phones and movies work. So they feel the need to use this weird eye movie insert, like you know a phone where there's a screen and buttons. It will take up the top right quadrant of the screen this phone. You know how you have like a menu for your phone in a video game like that?
Starting point is 00:22:35 Like the Terminator would see it. It's like that. So we also, like we subtly imply here that Katie Holmes doesn't believe in climate change. In case you were in danger of liking this character. Well, you know, well, then there wouldn't be climate change, right? Right. You're right.
Starting point is 00:22:54 Oh, we're manifesting the climate change right now. I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm So she picks her kids up for it, she gets off the phone, she picks her kids up from the school, they get in the car, think negatively all over the place, right? Idiots. The older daughter, this is Missy. She's mad because a more popular girl is having her birthday party the same day that Missy's having her party. And the younger daughter, Bessie, is mad because she lied and told all the kids in school that she had a pony and they called her out on it. Or was she manifesting a pony? She was, it's so dumb.
Starting point is 00:23:35 Well, she was negative, so she was manifesting an antipony. There's like a negative one in the ponies in her life now. Made of antimatter, there's a pony. I'm really, I'm using a hundred percent of my brain right now to think of what animal is the opposite of a pony. Oh, interesting. It's a duck slide. Oh, yes, a duck.
Starting point is 00:23:53 It's a duck. I was going butterfly, but that's because you said butterfly. Yeah, no, it's duck. Because it's the whole like one duck size, one horse size duck or a hundred duck size horses. Or anyway, yeah. No, it's good. It's good.
Starting point is 00:24:04 Yeah, my knelted. So anyway, so mom and missy are, I feel like you know, no, I'm not gonna let you move on. I feel like you had a list already. And I believe that you would do this. You probably do have a doc somewhere like opposite animals. And you're going to come downstairs to listen to later and be like, ah, remember when you told me standing for the age of 49. Oh, my list of opposite animals would never come into the podcast. Well, no, I went to Switzerland and smashed a duck and a pony together and an atom
Starting point is 00:24:30 accelerator. I feel like a trap was laid and I just want to throw that out there right now. But he's, I think we can all agree. It's not butterfly. Is that it's, it's, it's stock. I mean, that's absurd. Yeah, you sound ridiculous So mom and missy are negative thinking at each other so hard that mom Takes her eyes off the road and hits the car in front of her right she has a fender bender and who should be in the car in front of her But fucking braie Yeah, universe just manifested it right there. Guys, you believe that shit?
Starting point is 00:25:08 Yeah. Because I think if you were manifesting wanting to meet up with someone who you hadn't seen, the best way you'd want to do it is for them to smash their vehicle into your Okay, at least she doesn't keep driving her minivan like through his truck at five miles an hour like Eli trying to back out of a driveway. So a tree at five miles an hour for a good 40 feet. So he gets out of the car and he's like, Oh, it looks like your fender took the brunt
Starting point is 00:25:36 of it. I can handsomely fix this for you if you want. And she says you can what kind of fix it. She's just regular fix it. I could regular fix it. Oh, and she's so charmed by him. He's not likable. Am I crazy?
Starting point is 00:25:47 No. Does he ever become likable until like, no, so far into the end, but still not even. Well, but the, the, the fucked up thing is is that he, they, they cast this opposite, right? He's the douchey boyfriend she has at the beginning. Yeah, right. That makes sense. That's the part that this actor plays in every other romcom that he's in. Yes. Also, again, I cannot emphasize this enough. He knows who she is. She introduces herself.
Starting point is 00:26:12 And he goes, I can fix that for you. What he should say is, Hey, don't worry about your fucking deductible. Yeah, because I have a check for 104. Yeah, who's in dollars in it for you? Yes, right. But instead, he's like, no, you know what, I'll follow you back and I'll fix your fender with some spray foam and some duct tape, huh? You like that? Some duct tape on your car? And he's like, there's nothing on his side.
Starting point is 00:26:36 I feel like we're being weird about that. Oh, who doesn't know the opposite of a horse now? You've been right. So duct tape is closer than butterfly. So this horse tape is the opposite. Yes. So all right. So he follows your two-hour house, realizes that she was the person he was trying to find in the first place.
Starting point is 00:27:02 And then he fucking stepdads it up with her son, right? They pretend like they haven't met yet. And he's like, hey, help me fix the fender. And he's like, a father figure who will help me fix a fender. Why great? Right? Yeah. Also, like the sun is immediately like, I want this delightful man to replace my dead
Starting point is 00:27:22 dad. He smiled at me. He has duct tape. I love him. Yes. And so gross. That's dumb. People need to ask more questions about this guy who we know is hiding a huge thing. Yep.
Starting point is 00:27:33 Already. We know that. That's what we know about this character. Yeah. Also, everybody forgot to put dad not dying on the vision board. I just want to like flag that. Yeah. So that's a big one.
Starting point is 00:27:43 Yeah. If you do a vision board start with stuff like that. Maybe get rid of cancer flag that. Yeah. So that's a big one. If you do a vision board, start with stuff like that. Maybe get rid of cancer. Right. Right. Hit the basics. Yeah. Well, so first thing you want is nobody can cancel out my vision board with their vision board
Starting point is 00:27:54 times infinity. Right. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. You got to wish for more wishes first. Yeah. So yeah.
Starting point is 00:28:02 And then as he's getting ready to let he's taking his jacket off, getting ready to do some manual labor, whatever, he looks at the envelope pensively as if to say, wow, this sure is a point of suspense and curiosity for the audience. Should I give her $104,000? No, no, now's not the time. I'll wait. You the interest is piling up now.
Starting point is 00:28:22 You owe more money at the end of this when you need to get her this check right away. Yeah. Podcast listener, if you have a check for $104,000 for me, feel free to kick in my window right now as I'm saying this. Any time you want. Yeah, go too early. There's no too early on this. Zell, use Zell.
Starting point is 00:28:40 Use pay, just have it to me already. Anything. Yeah. Cash app. So, so that we, we have it to me already. Anything, yep. Cash app. So, so that we, we cut back inside Missy, the older daughter, she's just gone her way through the house like Alma. They're all complaining about mom not being rich enough to buy them good food. Yeah, bring home better food.
Starting point is 00:28:58 You manage a restaurant and they have like, she's just like, that's what was buried is you at least have. I wasn't even a manager. I got to bring home food all the time, better than whatever I would have had. You think she'd had some soft shell crab, she got a good deal on.
Starting point is 00:29:10 Also, they shoot on rice and beans, and I just want to say rice and beans perfectly acceptable meal, asshole, I dare you. It's a full protein, all the amino acids right there. Thank you. Yeah, and then we,
Starting point is 00:29:21 we check back down on a, a brain and Greg, that's the sun working on the car and the son is like He got to admit the premise of this movie so far is super duper hokey. She hit you like give me a fucking break, right? And he's like, oh no, no, it's not hokey. It's insane. I'm magic Yeah, right. It's even worse So the rain starts picking up. They go inside to wash their hands now that they're done or whatever. And there's this great little exchange where Katie
Starting point is 00:29:50 Hums is like, so what's your backstory, Brian? He goes, it's complicated. She's like, Oh, in that case, I don't care. I really, I was just, I have no, you just say the name of your occupation. And then I wanted you to shut up. Just be alone with my children as much as you like. That's all I want you to do. That's all I ask of you. And then, so the rain really picks up the house, starts to leak. Everybody runs and gets a bunch of pots
Starting point is 00:30:11 to put under the leaks in the fucking house. And you know what, Bray does is not say, hey, incidentally, I have a check for 106,000. What, 100s? And, is it six? It's a hundred and six. We've been going back and more than $6,000. I was taking his percentage.
Starting point is 00:30:27 I was $1,000 for you. Yeah, exactly. She even says, do you know how expensive it is to reroute the house? And he's like, it's under a hundred and six grand. Under a hundred and six. $1,000. But I'd hate to fuck up your pot fun. So yeah, no.
Starting point is 00:30:44 Yeah, right, right. And then the little girl's like, I'm scared of storms. And Bray is like, I will comfort you by something other than explaining to your mom that she's now got $106,000. Fucking dollars. Yeah, what he says is, sure,
Starting point is 00:31:00 when does scary, but your brain is stronger. And I wouldn't so badly for her to be like, I have telekinesis. No. No, I just had hippie bullshit to say. He explains the whole secret thing with like the fucking magnets, how the fuck do they work method? Mm-hmm.
Starting point is 00:31:20 Right. But basically, yeah, he lays down the basis of that whole stupid fucking book, which is, if you think about positive, or if you think about things, you draw them to you, right? Yeah. And they're like, all right, well, we're all gonna think about pizza dumbass.
Starting point is 00:31:35 Stuffed crust pizza. Yeah. Stuffed crust is fucking stupid gross. What? There's already changed. Okay, so we had opposite experience, I heard that I was like oh fuck I would kill for some stuff Chris pizza right now every single what's stuff Chris pizza and it's just pizza with cheese in it And I don't yeah, I don't know what I thought it was but I was like oh
Starting point is 00:31:57 Anna did you know that stuff Chris pizza is just pizza with cheese in it? She was like yeah, man What the fuck else would it be? just pizza with cheese in it. She was like, yeah, man, what the fuck else would it be? You know, I'm, I gotta get back to work. I'm busy. What's the opposite of a horse? Did you think it was gonna be like, sawdust like, like taxidermy?
Starting point is 00:32:12 I pictured a crust. I don't know what I pictured. I pictured a crust with cheese built in. That is what it is. That is the same thing. I can't explain this. Okay. Describe your face.
Starting point is 00:32:22 I only have my, right now. I can't, I can't do it. Okay. So yeah, so they're all like kind of fucking with them going like, oh, if I can draw things to me, which is thinking about sharing, I'll think about pizza. And then, and then there's a knock on the door and it's a fucking pizza that magically arrived.
Starting point is 00:32:39 Okay. Turns out that the Tucker, the boyfriend, burned from stand by me, thought, well, she probably need some pizza for tonight and had a pizza sent over because he's the best. And the movie will spend the entire movie shitting on Tucker. He's, this is just where he starts. Yeah. Being a really nice guy, sending pizza, exactly when you should do that. Yeah. Also, the pizza that allegedly magically just showed up, there's nowhere near enough pizza for these people. It's too little. But if you have pizza magic, you feed the whole family. That's crazy. Yeah. Well, right, because then the kids insist that she lets a braise stick around and
Starting point is 00:33:14 have some of the pizza and I'm like, there's a fucking 13 year old boy there. Like he could down those two pizzas just himself. So easy fucking fucking kidding me. Add Bray. They should invite the hundred and six thousand dollar checktaps of pizza. So yeah, but so Bray stays for pizza. And I just I have the pizza looks so fucking bad. It looks so just gross and gas station. I also, I didn't like that Greg is the son, right? Mm-hmm. He's like, he's not asking questions about this ridiculous guy.
Starting point is 00:33:50 He's actually on board with the guy too. And he's trying to like hook up his mom with this guy, Bray, even though he knows Tucker who sent the pizza and has been like really cool for years. But he's like, mom, like, you're just going to let him leave and not have the magical pizza. You like, you smash just truck. I mean, what you should probably at least ask him how you're gonna pay for all that pizza or whatever he's like. Come on, come on.
Starting point is 00:34:12 Something, nothing? No. Yeah, and I love there's, whether eating the pizza, the older daughter is like, are you like a Buddhist or something? And he's like, no, I'm just, you know, very aloof and cool. No, I'm not a Buddhist. I'm actually significantly more annoying than the worst version of that.
Starting point is 00:34:30 Right, because let's be clear what that little girl means is, Hey, man, you sound like an idiot. Yes. And the only people I know who sound like that are white Buddhists. Are you white Buddhists? Yeah. And he's like, no, but you definitely can conjure magical stuff. Like white Buddhists say, just like in Buddhism, you know, there's conjuring of magical stuff. Yeah, it's the cantering of magical stuff. Yeah. So, and then so he goes to leave, he's about
Starting point is 00:34:58 to tell her, he's like, you know, I have a check for a hundred and foot. And then there's an interruption as there's so often is in this stupid fucking movie, right? I wrote my notes. It's like he starts to explain it to her, but a spider interrupts his monologue. It's not as exciting as I'm making that sound. No. The little girl just screams, oh, Bob, I'm a spider. And she has to run. And he's like, I guess there's no way for me then to explain to you that I am holding in my hand a check for a hundred and six thousand dollars for you, I shall drive away into the storm. Let's see, what should I do with this check for a hundred and six thousand dollars? I should probably put it in the most fragile outdoor structure I see
Starting point is 00:35:37 in a fucking hurricane. Yeah, he drives by the mailbox. He knows it's a hurricane, and he puts it in the mailbox, my mailbox, in New Jersey, and non-hericans, if it fucking spits from the sky, instantly feeds it into all my mail, and turns it into a wet pile of confetti. So, yeah, and also, by the way, you can't just go stick and shit in people's mailbox. If you're not the fucking mail man, that's against the goddamn law.
Starting point is 00:36:04 Federal law. Federal crime. Damn straight it is. Honestly, I was just hoping he was a process server who was just saying, I'm not gonna hit it with that, that is the point. Oh, that would have made sense.
Starting point is 00:36:16 That would have made sense. Right, right. Okay, now that I've already had the pizza, yeah. All right, so late that night, mom's up watching the weather channel, texting back and forth with Vern, right? And again, weird insert on whatever I movie they were using, the texts like a pier across her face and do little fucking word art dances across the screen. Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:36:40 So, but now and importantly, Vern is like, hey, you know, if you wanted to thank me for sending you free pizza now would be the time she's like, right, right, thank you. And then he calls her and she ignores the call because she just want to talk to that motherfucker. She's not that grateful for the pizzas, Verna relax. Yeah, exactly, exactly. So that night she's in bed and she hears a loud crash in the middle of the storm gets up to check it out. And a tree has fallen through her roof into her kitchen.
Starting point is 00:37:09 Yeah. I wanted them to just cut to somebody in Tampa with a vision board, being like, please hit New Orleans nice. Cut over to Tom Cruise's house. Oh, no. We see what's happening here. And then she escorts her children into the tub. over to Tom Cruises house. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no faces up towards the ceiling that could break. Yeah. And that'll protect you from that or a nuclear blast. You can do it with a fridge too, an open fridge. I guess you couldn't fit all the kids in the fridge.
Starting point is 00:37:50 If you duck in cover, you should be just fine. And they go to sleep. Yep. Like she's just like, well, there's no need to call emergency services. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no need to go to a hotel. No need to go to a... We'll check all that in the morning. Rumorgesy shelter or anything like that. We're just gonna chill. No, I love that the little kid, Bessie, is like, it's not clear how you think the bathtub
Starting point is 00:38:12 is gonna help right now. I'm like, I'm getting in, but like, you're dumb. She's geometrically sleeping the tub. So... Do you have geometrical insanity? All right, well, I'll tell you what, believe it or not, that limb that just fell through her roof is essentially the plot of the fucking movie.
Starting point is 00:38:28 So we're gonna pause long enough for that to sink in and we'll come back with even more of the secret. Dare to dream. K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K- Hey Heath, what's the matter? Yeah, so I really want to get these new ski boots, but they're so expensive. Yeah, that stinks, man, I'm sorry. Did somebody say ski boots? What? Who? Who are you?
Starting point is 00:38:52 I'm the free trial fairy. Simply sign up to get ski boots and don't pay a dime. Ooh, that does sound good. Heath, though you know those free trials are a scam to hook you into a forgotten subscription. Hey, man, be cool. Oh, yeah, I know. But what the free trial fairy doesn't know is that I have rocket money.
Starting point is 00:39:12 Ooh, is that like cartoon exploding money? It's better. The app shows all your subscriptions in one place and cancels what you don't want for you. Rocket money can even find subscriptions you didn't know you were paying for. You may even find you've been double charged for a subscription. To cancel a subscription, all you have to do is press cancel and rocket money takes care of the rest. What?
Starting point is 00:39:33 No way! Way. Cancel unnecessary subscriptions with rocket money today. Go to rocketmoney.com slash awful movies. Seriously, it could save you hundreds of dollars a year. That's rocketmoney.com slash awful movies. Seriously, it could save you hundreds of dollars a year. That's rockettmoney.com slash awful movies. Cause you rockett money. And I'm surprised you're so calm about another fairy creature on our shows. Hey, at least this one doesn't hate me, right? So, no, I hate you all right. Okay. Hi, I'm Tony D from Tony D's house to humans, you can't believe exist.
Starting point is 00:40:07 You know our manic pixie dream girls. You couldn't get enough of our NFT bros, which is why we're pleased to present. Glueless positivity bro. That's right. Glueless positivity bro has done so little self-reflection of his own privilege in the world that he literally thinks he's magic, so you can have interactions like this. Man, I love the beach. Why don't people just like live on the beach? Doesn't your dad own the marina? He does. I don't see how that's relevant. And this. Guys, guys, you know what would be crazy if we just like went to Europe. You want to
Starting point is 00:40:44 just go to Europe like right now? I have fucking work on Monday, man. Ah, you're crazy, if we just like went to Europe, You want to just go to Europe like right now? I have fucking work on Monday, man. Ah, you're no fun. Clueless positivity, bro. His family owned slaves. What? We do. We do.
Starting point is 00:40:56 No. They work at the marina. Did is actually the way we were going. And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action the day after the storm, taking a look at the aftermath. So yeah, the storm's over. That was what we're going. And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action the day after the storm, taking a look at the aftermath. So yeah, the storms over. That was, we're done. That was the, the limb fell through the roof.
Starting point is 00:41:11 That was, that was its part. Yeah. Right. It fell through and it didn't fall in like the very one specific way that it would have have been, been a save to be inside the tub for one of the people and not the other ones. Right. It fell through the kitchen and landed on the kitchen island. Yes. I just want to flag
Starting point is 00:41:28 here that Eli Bosnick hates kitchen islands, which is weird. I hate kitchen islands. I do hate kitchen islands. All right. And I'll have that fight any day. That's probably it's my line. What do you need? So you're saying he was behind this. I'm saying, yeah, I vision boarded I hate kitchen islands and hurt this family. And this came true. And this came true. It makes perfect sense. It's not a table. It's not a counter. What's it doing? Get it out of there. It's a table. It's a counter. It's not.
Starting point is 00:41:53 So so mom wakes up. She's, she starts walking through the house to see how bad the damage is. And of course, it's, it's bad. And then outside we see Bray, he pulls up and he sees that the mailbox in the night has been torn away by the storm. And he has this look on his face like, yeah, I probably should have thought of that. I should have. I forgot to vision border house not getting 100 up. That's on me. $1,000. Could have just given her that money. I could have combined the pizza vision board with the not fucking up their house in the hurricane.
Starting point is 00:42:30 Damn it. Yeah. I'm a dick about my magical powers and then anything. Yeah. No, I wrote my notes. I shouldn't have negatively wondered whether it was going to stay on motherfucker. Coincidences. Your fault works both ways.
Starting point is 00:42:41 All right. Exactly. One or the other. So anyway, so he parks it or drive ways, surveys the damage, she walks out and he goes, are you okay? Are you doing great? Is this awesome for you?
Starting point is 00:42:53 This is exactly how you end up. Notice you got a new renter. Your vision. That big tree. Yeah. Is this Tucker? The tree? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:43:01 Is the Tucker tree? So stupid. And he's like, so did you get the homeowners insurance? And she's like, yeah, I do. I have a deductible of like $5,000 though. So I don't even know why you'd ask me that. Also insurance proves this entire movie wrong. Just another thing.
Starting point is 00:43:19 Sure. And look, so here he is. He's standing there like a limb fell on her minivan, like big ass limb, like a big old chunk of fish. Kid driver fucking car. There's a limb through her fucking house. Her mailbox is blown away or her yard's in a fucking mess. And he starts giving her this power of positive thinking speech. Can you fucking, I mean, this man would leave my yard with one of those down branches up his ass and the very same branch out his mouth. Yeah. Jesus fucking Christ.
Starting point is 00:43:47 Here's what he does not say to her. Oh, don't worry. I've got great news yesterday when I was talking to you and your children. Yes. The fact that I have a check for $106,000 didn't come up. But now right here in this moment is literally the best possible time for me to tell you that unless I am of the belief that when a check is destroyed, the money attached to it is so much right.
Starting point is 00:44:15 Yeah. It's so when you get out of the opposite of a check. It appears squid obviously. So no quick answer. I've been running the list before because of the Jesus Christ people. So get an opposite book. Damn. So anyway, though it's even worse because when you think about it, the fact that he knows
Starting point is 00:44:41 he has this money, he's like, well, you know, we could probably fix that roof for way less than the $5,000 dollar to Dijk's Bush. He says, you think he says, if you give me $500, I will fix your roof. This is a man looking to buy crack, yes, at this point. This is a guy, he's gonna fix her roof with prosperity gospel. This is terrible. And he's like, yeah, we'll just improvise a roof with prosperity gospel. And he's like, yeah, we'll just, we'll just improvise a roof. And at that point, I was like, I want a roof made of pizza that he magically conjured
Starting point is 00:45:11 there. I want a pizza roof with duct tape and a duck. You know, tin foil is tougher than it looks. They use NASA uses that stuff if you can believe that. Okay. But genuinely, what is the good faith reading of this moment? Right? We wrote this movie. How do we defend this scene? There is no one. It's impossible. The reason he, honestly, the closest I could get is like, well, the reason he fixes a roof
Starting point is 00:45:37 is because she's got a lesson to learn before she's ready for all that money. Right. No, over and over again, people ask like, why is anything in this movie happening? And the characters will say, I have no idea. It doesn't make any sense at all, doesn't. No, he would need to be the reconciler doing like a serial killer Christianity lesson thing for this to be reasonable for him not to just give that money right away. So mom goes back inside, the kids are dejectedly cleaning up from the, from the flooding and
Starting point is 00:46:07 everything. Missy is mostly just worried about her birthday party getting fucked up. Sure. Sorry, just quick thing. Doesn't this guy have like a job and a life in Tennessee? He's a university professor. No, he's a teacher. You know how universities are famously flexible about this.
Starting point is 00:46:22 Yeah. So this guy was like, hi, Vanderbilt University, I got to rebuild a house for a lady in New Orleans for like a minute. I'll be back when I'm done with that. Can you go to my room and put on a movie? She thinks that she can't afford it, but she can. It's weird. It's weird.
Starting point is 00:46:39 I'm getting a recon sign. It doesn't matter. I'll be just pause the university for like a week. So missies like the we should cancel my birthday party because the house is all fucked up and mom's like, no, we're not doing that. And I'm like, that's the incorrect answer. Like the right answer is, yeah,
Starting point is 00:46:55 we're gonna have to do that. No. Could your birthday's gonna be treaty? And everyone has to burst through a different fixture in our house. We're going to do a house building party with child labor that will beat the shit out of that food truck party. So that's what we're doing.
Starting point is 00:47:14 One of my favorite aspects of one of my favorite moments since this entire fucking movie is this moment right here, right? Because the kids are like, what are we going to do? And Bray says, well, we'll just pull out this liver whatever, but he inserts himself in the kids have not seen that he's around, right? Cause the kids are like, what are we going to do? And Bray says, well, we'll just pull out this liver, whatever. But he inserts himself into the kids have not seen that he's around, right? He's climbed up onto the roof. And he inserts himself into the conversation by calling down through the hole in the roof when they're like, what are we going to do? He might as well repel. He might as well repel on duct tape into the room and start talking.
Starting point is 00:47:46 Also we just see his face for a second and I really, I noticed here, he looks just like Jonah Hill, but like Jonah Hill became a model for Eddie Bauer and he has like a flannel with LLB pads for no reason. Yeah. I see it. I absolutely see it. We actually see those LLB pads. What the fuck, what, what elbow stuff is happening in people's lives?
Starting point is 00:48:07 Oh, it's a lot. They need a shirt from Eddie Bauer that protects that spot. Oh, let me tell you, as a teacher, it's mostly elbow based. There's a lot of elbows. Really? So, okay. And then Nana shows up, the mother-in-law that we briefly met earlier. She shows up and she gives the brain this, especially, honestly, to me, it looked like they were her down to fuck guys, but like they're
Starting point is 00:48:28 supposed to be, she's supposed to be very suspicious of this mysterious man that shows up and wants to fix her house for $500. Let me be clear. I think the movie is supposed to be like, oh, this woman's mother or in law or ex-mother in law, whatever you fucking call it, she's a little overbearing. But all she will do is make perfectly reasonable statements throughout this movie. Yes, it drives up. She's like, are you okay? It appears there's a tree in your house.
Starting point is 00:48:55 And she's like, mom, let it go. Right. She's like, well, perhaps your kids should come and stay with me at my house that doesn't have any trees in it. And she's like, don't be a bitch about it. Okay. Stop. Yeah, but they don't like it there. Really? They like it here with the tree. There's a guy repelling down through the hole with duct tape. I don't know what you think this is. You can't live here. So yes. She's like, all right. yeah, the kids can go stay with you. As long as they're ungrateful bastards about it every minute of the time, I just, I'm
Starting point is 00:49:30 going to instruct him to be real pieces of shit every second there in your house. Just real fucking assholes about it. Yeah. Also, I like that grandma becomes the first person to really a question question the absurd situation with this guy, Bray. Because Joey Potter goes over to Bray at this point and is like, okay, so I'm taking the kids to grandma's house just so much stuff you got to do on the roof. Thanks for doing that. And grandma's, we see her.
Starting point is 00:49:58 They show her off to the side away from that conversation. And she's in her car and she, she tries to loudly roll down her window. And skepticalness. Yeah, and she's like, window window, skeptical, roll down. And of course, and there's also this great moment where like Katie Holmes explains to pray the power of negative thinking, right? Cause he's going off on one of the stupid positive thinking things. He's like, yeah, wish you wouldn't keep saying that shit to my kids. Because like, I want them to have realistic expectations about life. Because that also matters.
Starting point is 00:50:31 And he's like, nope, should not. Not if you're privileged enough, it's sure a spuck doesn't. And not if you have a check for a hundred and six thousand. You haven't told someone about. And this is also by the way, where we learn that her husband died five years ago. This is where Bray learns that or so we think, right? Think, think about the, again, think about the fucking sociopathia. Because again, as we will later learn in this movie, he is perfectly aware that her husband died five years ago.
Starting point is 00:51:00 She has brought this up. He has a check for $106,000. She's like, yeah, I know my husband passed away. That's why things are as tough for us as they are. We sure are desperate. And he's like, well, I better get to work on the room. Yes. Don't forget you owe me $500 for it. You agreed to pay me. And that's the agreement with me. So. And then, oh, and then we get this, the first of two amazing tool using montages from an actor who has clearly never tooled a tool before. Oh, this is great.
Starting point is 00:51:33 I want to put, okay. So this insane hero is doing his house fixing montage. They do a montage of this, which is dumb to begin with. But then they like think through it some more. It gets dumber as they do stuff. At one point, have him waving a floor mat just outside to like undust it. Yes. And it's dusting a mat.
Starting point is 00:51:54 That doesn't work for you. You can't have music and then have a guy be like, so stupid. And of course, as he's doing this, he sees a picture of the family with dad dad in it. And he flashes back to the fact that he knew dad dad and they invented inventions together. Because remember, he was an inventor from before. There's a flashback inside of a montage. You're not allowed to.
Starting point is 00:52:19 There's no swishing a doodly do this. First of all, it's no minute. You don't need to leave. Thank you. And that's correct. That actually is also I didn't know the plot of the movie at this point. And I was like, Oh, please let them have been gay lovers. Please. That they've been gay lovers. I could have been fun. So yeah. So so as he's doing the roof
Starting point is 00:52:36 stuff, he gets a call from a attractive young woman that were supposed to be tricked into believing is his girlfriend. She's not long term spoiler, but he gets a call from his girlfriend, Bray does. And she's like, Hey, so have you done the big reveal with the wax seal to envelope? And he's like, no, and she's like, wow, why not? And he's like, it's still act two. I literally have, I don't even have a pretend answer because the writers are so bad. I don't know. I'm thinking of carrying around the McGuffin for a little bit more.
Starting point is 00:53:05 I'm getting $500 for this roofing gig. What are you? The God awful movies podcast. I'll give her the check when I'm fucking ready. So okay. So then we get the family all pulling up at Nana's house and the kids are being so shitty. They're like, your neighborhoods and her how Nana's house is lovely right? And it's in a lovely little neighborhood and they're like your house is stupid and boring and filled with quiet old people who are just waiting to die
Starting point is 00:53:34 We're all the children. We're all the children. I'm sorry. Do you find random children wandering about your neighborhood to play with? Are you trapping them like mouse trap board game? Go hang out with your friends. You fucking weirdo. Also, your other house has a hole in it. Right. Yeah, exactly. That's the alternative here. So we see them going into the end of Nana's house and then Tucker pulls up at her house, right? Because she they stopped by the restaurant and told Tucker what was going on. So now Tucker pulls up, he's got to check in on this brave fellow that just suddenly showed up out of the blue and wanted to fix his girlfriend's roof.
Starting point is 00:54:13 Now, this is, that, that's a reasonable thing to do. Yeah. He is being eminently reasonable throughout this whole thing. They need to make him out to be a bad guy or else I like him still and I like him still. He just shows up and he's like, oh, so you're fixing the roof, are you a rougher? No, you're not a, you're not a rougher than this is done. I will pay for a real rougher.
Starting point is 00:54:33 This is crazy. Oh, I can get, I can pay with money and he's like, oh no, so could she. I'm hiding up what you're saying. That's not the thing. Like an evil leprechaun. Also, can we just say when the two men competing for your love are named Bray and Tucker, it doesn't matter who wins the female orgasm loses. Okay.
Starting point is 00:54:54 Like, this is very clear. The team neither. Yeah. Right. I don't know. Gerry O'Connell. Beautiful. Beautiful man. Again, they cast these guys in reverse. If they reverse the casting in it, it makes a lot more fucking sense. But Jerry'll kind of ask spray. He's like, Hey, man, why are you fixing her roof? And he goes, that's why I have asked writers. Right? Cause he's still hit the, like his literal answer. This is the second time it's come up in like two scenes. And the answer is, I don't know. I'm trying to figure that out myself. like two scenes and the answer is, I don't know, I'm trying to figure that out myself. So is the movie. If you think the movie is deciding on the fly, which is the good guy, which is the bad guy
Starting point is 00:55:31 and they don't even know, Tucker's next life needs to be what? So we go back over to Nana's house. She's got a puzzle for the kids, right? She's sported on a puzzle and the kids are like, puzzles are stupid and you suck and I hope you die. I hope you just die and not just in your sleep. Okay. Get your phones out of your pockets. You bricks. This is this part's fair. Puzzles are the fucking worst. Just play any game. No. Puzzles
Starting point is 00:56:01 are great. I like puzzles. What? Yeah. Puzzles are delightful. You don't like kitchen islands and you like puzzles. You're the most problematic thing. You don't have any mental illnesses, Heath. You don't know how nice it is to be free of the first thing. While you try to fit pieces of cardboard together. Amen, brother. Thank you. No, I'm gonna build you a kitchen island
Starting point is 00:56:21 with an antipuzzle. With an antipuzzle. With my will. What's the opposite animal of a puzzle? I'm not going to tell you I feel like you're abusing this knowledge. You've abused no one definitely knows the answer. He's withholding a really good answer. He's trying to be a machete right now.
Starting point is 00:56:39 You're abusing. All right. So yeah, so her kids are shitty and they suck and Nana tries her best to keep you in an asshole to them. All right, so later that night, we get break calling Katie, right? Let her know how far the plot has gotten the plot being that limb in her roof. Yeah, and okay, I'm going to give him credit for one thing in the movie. He's like, I did a little triage on that hole. Tree.
Starting point is 00:57:07 Oh, nice. I'll be done. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. She doesn't even pick up anything about it. No, no, like good puttin' nothing. Wow. What am I talking about?
Starting point is 00:57:16 Eli over here. So and then she just starts unloading all our personal shit on him. Now, I love this moment, right? Because there's supposed to be like having a connection, but the writers are terrible. So she's got this guy who's just agreed to like fix her van for her without asking anything in return. Now he's fixing her house for not asking anything in return.
Starting point is 00:57:36 And she's just like, you know what? My personal picadillo is a dissimilar one are the things that are very much bothering me. He's like, let me take that on my shoulders as well. Yeah, now that I'm, since I'm here. Yeah. And then she just very abruptly decides, my boyfriend of like six years, he sucks, I guess,
Starting point is 00:57:54 I'm gonna start flirting with this random absurd magical angel hero guy for no reason. And she's like, so did she like, what are you doing right now? And he's like, I'm on your roof. I told you, I was beating him. She's like, sorry, stupid, do you have a mysterious backstory?
Starting point is 00:58:11 But don't say, just, you know, vaguely, you'll mention for later. Yeah, right, right. Do you have the first half of a mysterious backstory? No. Also, would you say you're more of like a Dawson or a piece? I don't know, you're a whiff. You know, just say about that. I'm team Pacey, by the way, strong. Would you say you're more of like a Dawson or a piece?
Starting point is 00:58:27 I know what you say about that. I'm team Pacey, by the way, strong team Pacey. All right. Put a flag in the ground. But yeah, but we learned that he got divorced about 10 years ago and then he discovered his cult, but we'll learn more about that later. So next morning, we get very quick scene of brave flirting with Sloan, the hotel clerk telling her that he has an important package on the way. He's like, you'll notice it will be the only one that's sealed in wax like his fucking 1400.
Starting point is 00:58:52 If a guy in a floppy hat and pantaloons comes up and with a bag in, make sure you note the heraldry when he shows up. Do I have a message for any squires? No, man. What? So, okay. So then we check in on the restaurant. Apparently Katie has donated all the stuff. So the restaurant got fucked up in the storm and hasn't reopened yet. They're still like fixing shit. So she donated all the food that was in there to a local food bank and didn't tell. Vern from stand by me that she was the guy who owns the restaurant.
Starting point is 00:59:29 She didn't tell him that. So that's good. What she did, but Jericho, it has to be like, yeah, cool. Like it's my restaurant. I mean, but it was fine, but like, you're being super weird. Well, and they're also, they're not donating just the food that would spoil, right? Cause we see the kid pack it up like pepper. And then she's got a big box of salty and crackers, right?
Starting point is 00:59:51 Like the restaurant's gonna be open the day after tomorrow. The pepper isn't going bad in the next two. Yeah. There's not gonna be like 100,000 people in the super dumb just, you know, with like, oh, a gallon of pepper. Right. Exactly. Oh, some, a gallon of pepper. Right. Exactly. Oh, some saltines to sprinkle it. Oh, pepper, I hate.
Starting point is 01:00:10 I like that Tucker is like, oh, yeah, no, we can give the food away, but why are you packing it up? She's like, well, I was supposed to be working and he's like, don't act like the help. Stop. Yeah. And Nana's there. For no fucker Nana's there there just spelling out random characters motivations for us in case we're not keeping up. Right. We also get another, we also get another fixing
Starting point is 01:00:35 and tools montage for a second. Yep. Carpentry montage number two. We watched Carpentry montage number two with Bray. My favorite part was the spackling because you watched this actor who's clearly never touched a tool ever. Be like, I'm spackled. Nothing. It's called a spackled. Do I cut it? It's even worse than you're giving it credit for that was a stand in, right? Cause like we see the scene before that where he's just got a screw in the screw with the fucking. Wait, they had a stunt. Spackler. There was a stunt. No, it's back. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:01:08 Right, right. It was clearly just some grip that's like, Jesus fucking Christ. Oh, it was because you just see a shoulder in his hand. He had no, I love that so fucking much. We should also mention, by the way, because this is going to be sort of an important plot point that nanny is like trying really hard to get Katie Holmes to sell her house, right? Nana works in real estate or whatever.
Starting point is 01:01:32 She's like, I could sell that house. You could tear it down the land is worth a fortune or whatever, but she doesn't want to tear down her house. That's important. Yeah. Or by the standards of this movie. No, it's a dead essence, but never miss movie has to be about something. Feel like that God said in that tone of voice in the
Starting point is 01:01:49 writer's room. There's only so many plot points and sentences. One can write into a script about plot points. So this movie was made in 2020, which means it was written in 2019 or earlier, which means Chachi BT didn't exist yet. So fucking movies got to be about something. Yeah, right, right. So, okay, so and then we get,
Starting point is 01:02:09 Bre, he's finishing up at the house for the night and he notices something in the river. It's a piece of like corrugated iron or something. It's a roof. There's a mat, there's like, there might as well be a house that he just picks up out of the river. And like, he puts over well be a house that he just picks up out of the river. Oh, I can use part of this.
Starting point is 01:02:26 Over the other house with his hands. Want it so badly for a flash cut to a people who are just missing that piece of their roof? Oh, God, it's a band and a... It's the next house. They're just watching it happen. They're like, that's ours. That's ours. Manifest it.
Starting point is 01:02:44 I manifested this. This, yep, yep.'s ours. That's ours. Manifested. I manifested this. Yeah. Dibs, dips. Manifested. Universe. Dibs. Yeah. So they're just racing to like scribble out new vision boards against each other as little dual. Yes. And so then we cut to, it's like that night and Katie Holmes is crying over the unfinished puzzle, you know, supposed to be I guess crying over the possibility of selling her house and Getting a hundred and six thousand dollars. I get it. You do the edges and everyone says work in by color, but what the fuck does that mean? Thank you. Buzzles are stupid. Yes. We're gonna quick shout of brave jogging because you're welcome. This is awesome. Okay, let's talk about this because
Starting point is 01:03:22 braids jogging because you're welcome. This is awesome. Okay. Let's talk about this because braids was like, Hey, why don't I just like jog around from from around the block? And they were like, Oh, no, you don't have to do that. He's like, No, it's cool. I'll be like a little sporty. And they're like, Hey, are you gonna have to stop and catch your breath?
Starting point is 01:03:36 I'm like, I'm gonna say a solid 60 seconds. Screen time. So the camera just holds perfectly still while you like fucking clutch your knees. I tried not to throw up. No, no. And then there's also, and this is barely worth mentioning, but I have to point this out. It's so fucking dumb. The kids all wake up the next day and they see that the puzzle's been finished. Mom finished stayed up last night and finished their puzzle. What a dick move. These kids get to their sleep.
Starting point is 01:04:05 I know you kids wanted this puzzle to be done. So I did it. What a dick move. Well, that one we're gonna do with the afternoon. They just wake up. Oh, Zelda's at 100%. 100%. Wow.
Starting point is 01:04:18 Thanks, mom. Yeah. Anyway, so now and then we get this great scene. Nana has cooked breakfast for the kids, right? She's made him some eggs and some ham and some muffins or whatever and they're all like we don't want freshly cooked Tang in the next we want cereal and Nana's like I um I Feel like this is an abusive relationship, and I don't want to be here anymore What if you guys fucking sucked grandma's dick if you considered giving grandma's dick a big suck
Starting point is 01:04:42 What if you guys fucking sucked grandma's dick? Have you considered giving grandma's dick a big suck? Pfft. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha movie never acknowledges that everybody's a dick to Nana never at any point. No, nobody ever apologizes. She's never like redeemed in any way or anything. No, the movie is her fault according to the movie. Oh, you're right. Because of her negative think you're right. Yeah, she negatively thought it's on the. She's the negative.
Starting point is 01:05:17 She's like a cell phone jammer for positivity in the movie. No, you're right. You're right. Right. She keeps talking about how she's never going to do any better than Vern from Stand By Me so she might as well settle on him. You're right. So and just then as the kids are complaining about their freshly cooked ham and eggs, mom
Starting point is 01:05:33 gets a text that the roof is fixed and they can come home today. Yeah. So they go back to the house, they check it out. And what he's done is he's used that salvage pieces scrap to make like a skylight in the kitchen. So it's even better than it was before. It's not. It's and he's so he's running a scam.
Starting point is 01:05:52 He manifested roof stuff by coincidence. Nobody's nobody. The only the kids are even slightly skeptical at this. Yeah. Yeah. And they're like, wow, that's a pretty big coincidence. And he says, coincidence is God's way of staying anonymous.
Starting point is 01:06:08 You know who said that? A white Buddhist. Albert Einstein. Yeah. Hey, as much as Albert Einstein ever fucking said it. Yeah. I started to type that. I got like,
Starting point is 01:06:20 coincidence is a Google was like, I'm going to stop you right there. You're an idiot. Yes, Einstein did not say that. No, and I love to when he said that was, it was Einstein that that said that the fucking girl of Missy, the 16 year old girl is like the E equals MC2. Yeah, that's him. That's him. The guy who invented that random series of letters and number. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, but the key here though is that Einstein agrees with the premise of the secret.
Starting point is 01:06:54 And mom is just like, hey, could you not evangelize white guy hippie magic to my children at all? Perhaps. No. And he's like, okay. So then mom and the sister's leave, it just pray and Greg are left in the kitchen for a minute. And the kid is like, hey, man, didn't you have an envelope with like a 15th century wax seal
Starting point is 01:07:18 on it when I first saw you? Are you ever gonna resolve that part of the plot? He's like, not in act two, I'm not. And the kid's like, okay, all right, No worries. Makes sense. So he goes to leave. Katie Holmes chases him down with a check. She's got the $500. He takes the 500. He takes the money. Okay. Okay. Look again. Oh, thank you. Thank you for the $500. You owe me. Yes. Goodbye now. He's now committed the crime of fraudulently doing roofing when he's not a roofer and been paid for. Unlicensed from a struggling single mom who has no money with a post dated check. Well, who has money that he just won't give her? Yes, exactly
Starting point is 01:07:59 that she doesn't know about. And then they have this moment right like where he's like, you know, there's something about your eyes and then write that nana interrupt. She's like, you've got an emergency call from Tucker. Tucker's out of it. He was burned and stand by me. So she goes to take the phone call from Tucker. He's just inviting her to the restaurant's reopening that night.
Starting point is 01:08:20 Don't feel like that's an emergency. But what's amazing is that that's not the end of the scene. She goes back to a fucking brain. She's like, you were saying something about getting lost in my eyes. We were at an almost romantic moment now. So you wanna finish the thing that you were saying earlier, he's like, I sure don't.
Starting point is 01:08:36 That would end the movie too early. Yeah, exactly. And then braze like, I can come back and cut down the tree for you over here on the side too. And then grandma is like what just Tucker can do it. Don't have this weird guy come back. It's weird what you're doing. And that's when kitty homes is like Tucker. Tucker's gonna cut down Tucker and his ivory tower fucking crab shack business that he has enough.
Starting point is 01:09:03 They'd have to bring in some other like stunts back alert for that guy. Come on. Give me a break. So but yeah, no, he promised us to come back the next day and cut down the tree that's still got her van pinned in. So then we cut to the restaurant's big reopening. Tucker has a speech and during his speech about how like they all were tired to get the restaurant reopened,
Starting point is 01:09:25 he proposes to Katie Ho. Gross. Yeah. Don't, don't do surprise proposals in public that no, especially not like a surprise proposal like in a restaurant when it's just the two of you and other people notice, that's bad. But a surprise proposal where you've got the floor, everyone in the room that includes everybody she works with and all of her friends are all there in the same room. That's just a dick move. Yeah. I mean, I do it to Heath on a pretty regular basis, but it's all perfect. Yeah, as a prank, it's great.
Starting point is 01:09:57 It hurt him. Yeah. Right. If there was a just kidding at the end of this, this would be amazing. Opens the ring. It's just his middle finger. Ah. Did you get it? So, but yes, so, but the ring is too small, which I guess is a, guess, an omen.
Starting point is 01:10:14 So, failure on Tucker's parts. Yeah. Bad universe conjuring of the size. I like the idea of the customer service department for universe wishing, having to deal with people like, all right, I vision boarded. Yes, I don't have a receipt though. Oh, I can get you an engagement ring, but you will not ask her her ring size.
Starting point is 01:10:36 Yeah, no, I'll take it, I'll take it, yeah. So, yeah, so they're all leaving the restaurant that night. Dan is like, hey, do you want me to watch the kids tonight? So y'all can do like outfit stuff or something. And Katie's like, yeah, I guess. I guess. Oh, yes, I would love to have sex with Tucker tonight. Yep.
Starting point is 01:10:58 Sounds. Oh, yeah, Murs. I can't wait to. Sorry. One second. I just have. Yeah, Murs, I can't wait. Sorry, what's that? I just have. Yummy.
Starting point is 01:11:11 I love how disappointed the kids are too. Like the kids are all looking at them. I guess you're probably the second hottest. Oh, yeah. This is rough. A bunch of kids being like, yeah, no, yeah, no, yeah, no, no, no. Congrats. New engagement. Still not gonna marry magic. like, yeah, no, yeah, no, yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, tell you what, we are mere inches away from a plot breaking out. So we're going to take another quick break.
Starting point is 01:11:46 But first, let me give Ack3 the hard sell. Did everyone survive the store months, Skathed? Is the house already fixed? Did she just get engaged to a lovely wealthy gentleman that cares very deeply about her and her family and who we've been given no reason to dislike or be suspicious of? Then why the fuck are we still watching this? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the single-scene introduction of Add Resolution of the Film Central Conflict Conclusion of! The secret, dare to dream.
Starting point is 01:12:19 And then, as I forwarded the river in my canoe, I realized this was the last place I wanted to be. Oh, wow. Hey, honey. Oh, uh, Crempleton. Hi, up. Steve, this is Crempleton, my current boyfriend. Pleasure to meet you. Did you say current boyfriend? Steve here is just helping fix a pop-up shack full of war medals nothing I love more than honoring the troops Okay cool cool cool. I'm just quick thing. Why is he not wearing a shirt? Oh, yeah Sorry, I guess it got ripped off when I was saving those puppies from that kite fire. He was so heroic I was yeah, okay. Yeah was so heroic. I was. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:13:06 Okay. Yeah. Sorry. Just can I say something? Sure, Greg. Go ahead. It's crampleton. It just feels like I'm not the love interest anymore. And we've been dating for like six years.
Starting point is 01:13:19 I've met your family, met your kids. They know me. And the student right here, he's been here for like, what, four days, a two and a half the student right here, he's been here for like, what, four days? A two and a half. Cremple 10, you're being ridiculous. Stop it. Nope, not being ridiculous.
Starting point is 01:13:31 I'm just pointing out exactly what's happening to me. And after a six year long relationship, just sort of want to shine a spotlight on how not cool this behavior is. Look Chris, I'm not pretending to know what's right and what's wrong and this mixed up crazy world, but whatever happens, let me just shake your hand and say that I know you're a good man. Nope, nope, I'm not the problem here. You are the problem here, Steve.
Starting point is 01:13:58 You are. It's you. Hey Steve, you want to come teach me how to ride a bike? Oh, hey, Crippleton. Sure thing, kid. No, seriously, I fucking bought you that bike, Brian. I bought you that. You said you were too afraid to learn. I paid for the therapy after that.
Starting point is 01:14:12 Brian, why don't we go ride bikes, man? I'm not the bad guy here. You guys are all the bad guy. You are. Put on a shirt. It's like 55 degrees outside. Ridiculous. Pfft.
Starting point is 01:14:23 Asshole. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. 55 degrees outside. Ridiculous asshole. I'd work back for still more of this shit. And we're going to rejoin the action with that asshole talker, given Katie Holmes a land rover like a dick. Yeah, what the fuck is happening? You don't let the proposal was weird, but he's delightful. And I hate the other guy. Brett, am I supposed to feel the other way? Does the movie think I don't people watching this would feel the other way?
Starting point is 01:14:49 I want a man who fixes my car with duct tape and fucking insulating foam. Not a man who buys me another car because of safety caution. Yes. Right. So like they're at his house and he's like, Hey, look out the window. And she looks out the window and they did the land rovers there with the big bo thing on it, like a Lexus commercial, which is fucking nonsense, but still, right? I mean, I feel like you'd let her pick out what car she wants, but whatever. And he does have a bandage. She's like,
Starting point is 01:15:21 Oh, that's too much. And he's like, look, I can't have my fiance driving around in a poor person car. Right? What is she, Heath? So he looks like Heath. Things are going to catch fire while you're driving it. Several times. The criminal buys me a land Rover.
Starting point is 01:15:36 I'm happy with it. I don't get to get the color. Okay, fine. So yeah. And mom's like, oh, well, I got to go. I got to get ready for, you know, my daughter's 16th birthday party tomorrow. And he's like, right, right 16th birthday party.
Starting point is 01:15:51 And she says, yeah, she's real nervous because like the other kid is gonna have food trucks at her party. And he's like, oh, hey, I can, I can fix that. I can also get food trucks to come to your party. And she's like, no, you dick. No, I'm reasonable. I'm reasonable. And so, fuck you.
Starting point is 01:16:08 You don't even know how to use a chainsaw. What's the fact with my, I'm really trying to turn my daughter against you because there's this guy who fixed her. We're gonna think I'm gonna end up with him. So if you could not bring anything at all, nothing. Right. Actually, can I borrow $500 to pay him for the room?
Starting point is 01:16:24 And now, and we should point out by the way that the daughter's been saying constantly like what I really need is a laptop Right, I need a laptop because I don't have a computer and I'm a fucking 16 year old girl who exists in the world in 2020 and She could have said yeah, why don't you buy my daughter a laptop? That's what she really needs free, you know Yeah, why don't you buy my daughter a laptop? That's what she really needs for, you know, school and socialization and existing in 2020. Tucker might as well hand her a laptop at that point and she slaps it out of his hands and runs away. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Does it MacBook Pro? You piece of shit.
Starting point is 01:16:58 So meanwhile, okay, so we cut back Rea has chainsaw on out the van when he sees Greg angrily throw away a box. So it's time to go have a heart to heart between Bray and Greg. Right. Hey, bud. You manifesting anger at the trash can. So what do I open over there? You're not the man still on the dock.
Starting point is 01:17:23 You take an acting lessons from Katie Holmes on the side. You said because your mom raw dog chuck her last night. I'm sad about that too. You want to do some CBT? I'm not a therapist, but I'm also not a rougher. So lots of life I don't want my mom to fuck Vern from stand by me. He was the fourth most attractive in a group that had will weed in it. And he's like, no, I get it. I understand. Oh, it's fair. You know, sometimes the people get re-acted by attractiveness. A lot of other factors. But he's like, so, but I, so I, but the thing I threw away was my chicken I'm sitting there Greg. Greg. So. But he's like, so, but I, so I, but the thing I threw away was my chicken feeding invention
Starting point is 01:18:11 because I can't get it to work. And he's like, you don't think it's a little late in the movie to introduce a chicken feeding invention. And he's like, no, we're going to introduce virtually everything in the film actually from here on out. Not if we resolve it within the next six and a half seconds. I guess if we resolve it immediately, it's so stupid. He's like, well, if you move the cababal over here and the cababal over there, boom.
Starting point is 01:18:36 Now you can feed chickens. Now you can feed chickens because we all know the hardest part of feeding chickens is throwing things on the ground. the hardest part of feeding chickens is throwing things on the ground. Can't throw too much on the ground, nor too middle. Yeah, it can't go too far, nor not far enough. So yeah, that's been automated, hooray. Yeah, no, all of a sudden, he like, he moves his hand once and it's like a Tesla chicken feeder to move the auto, whatever. And then he goes and has a heart to heart with Missy.
Starting point is 01:19:06 And this is all the more a couple of great because this is like a 40 year old man like awful flirty with the 16 year old girl kind of a moment. Stay away from the children man. Yeah. Stay the fuck away from the children. Yeah, but so she decides Missy decides to unload all her birthday party issues on Bray, but luckily he has some fucking Mary Poppins wisdom for her too, I guess. Yeah, again, it's wishing magic.
Starting point is 01:19:32 So he's like, so what do you want for your birthday? Like you laid out the problem. What do you want as the solution? How do you want your birthday to go? And she's like, I'm not sure. He's like, well, if you don't know what you want, how are you going to do the universe magic? Taffy, that's what she says. He's like, Taffy, I want Taffy, which I don't know why the movie chose this.
Starting point is 01:19:52 They chose Taffy and even Bray, the guy trying to like, do the magic is like Taffy. Okay, I mean, like, I'll give you a mulligan on that. I'll give you like a few seconds. You want to say just name the fourth worst candy? Yeah. Do you want to try again? No, everybody at my party can sit around making tap. It's like, oh, labor. They could do labor. Can we, uh, can we make miconikes? No, okay. Then I just can't go ahead and do. So you know, it's perfect for a family of stealing with root canals. Taffy. Yep. Yeah. Beautiful.
Starting point is 01:20:26 And he's like, yeah, you can make a, this is just such a weird line. I have to point it out. He's like, yeah, you can make a bonfire and have s'mores. And Missy says, thank you. How do you know about s'mores as those you thought it was some secret family recipe? It's like Eli's son thinking he invented the macarena or something. I thought Smores were just a TikTok thing. You're saying you've seen them in person. So, and then mom shows up in her sweet new Land Rover, right? And Missy tells her about the idea for
Starting point is 01:21:00 the taffy party. She's like, oh, great. Completely changing the theme of the party the day before that's great. That's I love that actually. completely changing the theme of the party the day before that's that's great That's I love that actually I love that you're doing that and hey, you know, it's easy to get together at the last minute Larskilling gradients for taffy Oh, you're in taffy party cool. Yeah, I'll just call my taffy guy dude What the fuck are you doing, bray? Right taffy party right and then missy fuck are you doing, Bray? Right, Taffy party. Right.
Starting point is 01:21:23 And then Missy invites the 40 year old man to her sweet 16. She's like, Bray, you're coming to my Taffy party, right? And he's like, that is not at all problematic. No. No, of course I'm coming to the Taffy party. Are you kidding? There's like three candies worse than Taffy. I would absolutely be mad.
Starting point is 01:21:41 Yeah. And so Missy leaves and just leaves Katie Holmes and Bray there. And she's like, you know, I got I have to talk to you about something. He's like, what's that? And she says, I don't understand the plot or your motivation or my motivation. Nothing in this film makes sense. And he's like, right? What's happening in the movie right now?
Starting point is 01:22:03 I don't know, but they keep saying action and not saying something. And I feel like if we just, if we just vibe, we'll be on Amazon Prime and four podcasters in their audience will be the only people to see it. Are they looking at us right now with the cameras? I think they are. Is that time? And braze like, look, Katie Holmes, there's something I need to tell you.
Starting point is 01:22:26 It's important. And Katie Holmes is like, you know what, there are 38 minutes left and only four of them are credits. No, a check. So I'm going to cut you off right there and tell you to finish that sentence at my teenage girls party. And he's like, really? Really?
Starting point is 01:22:41 Really? You want me to wait to the other half of the sentence for... There's not another thing calling you away. Like, let's be clear. She's not like, oh, I'm sorry I've got to do this. She's like, no, no. Tell me later. Yep.
Starting point is 01:22:56 Why? Why? No reason. I really, I wanted her to be like, well, unless you have a check for $106,000 for me, I think that's the reason. I know, I know. Well, actually, I have a shoe. You're finishing your sentences again, silly goose.
Starting point is 01:23:10 But I'm off to go buy 150 pounds of sugar and some calcium carbonate industrial needing machine. You give me $500. I'll get you a whole bunch of tappy. I like margin. I'm an unlicensed tappy puller I can bring you a Guatemalan wet Have the strength of a thousand tappy machines I have a chick for $106,000. My fingers in your mouth. So she goes inside. Nana's there.
Starting point is 01:23:56 Nana wants to marvel at her engagement ring. What's the nibble at her engagement ring? Don't ask. Nana's trying so hard. Look, this woman, this woman married her son and she fucking hates her. It's obvious because she's an idiot who ruins everything. And then her son died and instead of just getting to be like, please so see you grandkids at Christmas. She hangs around and tries to help her while she fucking throws her down self-down stairs and gets herself $104,000 in debt.
Starting point is 01:24:28 And now she's like, oh, look, you're marrying another penis. Here's me desperately trying to create a better world for my grandchildren. And Katie Holmes is like, oh no, no. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Dana goes at this place. She goes, you know, not many men would marry a woman with as much baggage as you. And I'm like, you think she means the Tom Cruise stuff.
Starting point is 01:24:49 Do you think I think she means the time. Yeah. Yeah. But she's like, but Katie Holmes is like, hold on a second. Your negativity is drawing negative things to your life. But if I just call on the power of positive thinking, I could fuck Ray. You know, she has that like that first moment.
Starting point is 01:25:10 Yeah. And the old ladies like really sounds like you just inferred that I killed my son with negative thinking. Would you like to take that back or fight? Because those are the three. Yeah. Options. So, okay.
Starting point is 01:25:24 And then we have a quick scene with Katie and Tucker at the dock. They're chatting about the Taffy party and Tucker. Again, he's just like, hey, you know, it's weird to invite a 40 year old man that you've known for four days to your 16 year old girl's birthday party, right? And she's like, stop being an asshole who's terrible. You're the villain of this movie, Tucker. No, I'm not. This is crap.
Starting point is 01:25:47 I don't know what's happening. Everything I do except that, now he's yelling, what are you saying? I don't know what, this is me, this is Heath talking. I'm Jerry,
Starting point is 01:25:56 I'm Donald, but he's just talking through me and he is angry. So yelling. So meanwhile in the French quarter, Bray is sitting on a balcony reliving plane crash trauma, right? He was in a plane crash. So stupid. It cuts the plane crash in all of us wrote in our notes,
Starting point is 01:26:14 like, well, that seems like a better movie. Why don't we do a movie about him getting in a plane crash? Yeah. Also, sorry, where did the positive thinking kick in? Because it's not clear. He gave us like two sentences of backstory. Did he start positive thinking after the plane crash? Like the plane crashed.
Starting point is 01:26:31 He huddled himself in a sleeping bag in the snow and thought to himself, everything's coming up, mill house. Yeah, what the fuck? Yeah, yes. No, he's, he decided on doing universe magic because he was like, fuck, I just barely survived that. I probably could have vision boarded a plane in the air the whole time.
Starting point is 01:26:49 And I would have avoided this. I would have done the trick. Okay, here's a twist that would be great. If he ate the husband to stay alive in this moment. Oh, Jesus Christ. And he was like, because that's what we learn is that the husband is also on this plane and died. That's how the husband died. Right. Yeah. That would have been a way. No, that one. That's right. Yeah. No, I devoured his heart. And so now I love you. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:27:16 Or kills him for the last blanket. Yeah. Oh, that's actually that's, it could be a pretty good movie actually. So okay. So but then but Sloan interrupts his his flashback. God's not dead. He's surely alive. There you go. So nice. So but but Sloan interrupts his referee. She's got a FedEx envelope and just then Katie texted with the formal invite to the 16 year old girls birthday party. And then we we cut to this like prepping for the party montage. Like so many of my notes
Starting point is 01:27:46 from this point on are how is there still so much movie left? So and of course, there's also where we start like desperately trying to make Tucker into the bad guy. We get this moment where like mom sets out this cake that she's obviously baked herself and it's got a happy birthday. Missy on it. And then he pulls out this other that she's obviously baked herself. It's a happy birthday, Miss Yana. And then he pulls out this other cake, this sheet cake that has like the photograph printed on it thing with like him and the family all together. Okay. This was rough though. Like they finally decided like, oh, have we done anything bad about Tucker? Yeah. Yeah. Right. So they got the proposal being super, you know, public. Don't do that.
Starting point is 01:28:25 And then photo cake with him in the photo, like, like Michael Scott with the ski photos. It was rough. Yeah. No, this was mentioned that I could point out that we have had a relationship that lasted longer than three and a half days. And that might change your mind. You're throwing my cake in the garbage. Oh, okay. Well, yeah. Okay, but, but they do need a sheet cake here because that tiny, there's like a bunch of kids showing up and there's like three pieces of cake. There's obviously not enough cake to do the sheet cake. Yeah, they did.
Starting point is 01:28:52 So, and then also this is where we meet and see for the only time Katie Holmes is black friend. This is so rough. She goes, like, hey, is this up that bra guy? Are you, are you fucking him or can I fuck him because he's pretty hot and she's like no you go and fuck him I know I don't know I'm not fucking him person who works at the restaurant that was there when Tucker who is standing one and a half inches from us proposed to me and I said yeah time for me to leave the movie
Starting point is 01:29:22 time for me to leave the movie. Do you do? Search through the rest of the movie and you'll find 40 other co-roxies which I will give you a huge about the next one. But yeah, but so but Missy is stressing out and guests are arriving and taffy gets pulled this party fucking sucks and then we have to like once again we have to make Tucker into a bad guy so we have this exchange where he's like too possessive or something of Katie Holmes. Well, there's also a moment where he's like, I'm excited to have children with you. And she's like,
Starting point is 01:29:54 fucking no. He's like, is that what that was supposed to be about? Because she's like, where she's like, you know, before I had kids, I was going to have a life. And he's like, well, maybe you'll do that again with me. I was thinking he meant have a life, but you, but it's, it's have kids. Yeah, you're right. No, that makes more sense. I'll let you talk if it makes any difference. You can talk when you're having the babies. So yeah. And, and so then Nana calls Katie Holmes in from the party, right? Should they're all out in the yard pulling their saffron. She's like, Hey, I need to talk to you real quick. We need to establish and a resolve a conflict in this scene.
Starting point is 01:30:33 So I need a bar. She's like, Yeah, sure. She comes in and Nana starts trying to explain that Ray stole the dead dad's invention and sold it and made a bunch of money and he's lying to her and she just learned that on the internet. And all of us have in our notes, it's like, you, you had an hour and 16 goddamn minutes movie. Why the fuck are we just hearing about every single element of this plot now? Oh, he's got a twin brother who's
Starting point is 01:31:05 he's insane. He's escaped from the hospital next store, but he has a hook for a hand. So we better keep it on. And he has built a weather controlling machine. So, it's so stupid. And let's be clear, there is only one moment right now when she should not confront Bri about it. And it is in the center, the dead center of her daughter's layman's
Starting point is 01:31:35 taffy party. Yes, right. But she does. Anyway, she's like, no, this cannot wait. Everyone gather around. Yeah, everybody gather around. Let's make my daughter's birthday party about me real quick. And she's like, did you know my husband through some confoluted plot that we haven't bothered to set up in the first hour and 16 minutes? And he's like, yes, I've been meaning to tell you. And then we get heath's best worst. We get this fucking subtle face push of a slap. She might as well grab a piece of Taffy and try to do it.
Starting point is 01:32:09 I just followed her party each time. Stretched too much. But the entire party just gasped like you just said, fucking tune town or something. It was amazing. Everybody just a way over. Did you steal my husband's thing and then eat his heart to sustain yourself in the Andean Mountains and then survive and he's he doesn't he explain right here again like or starts to explain like no, I have like so much information that you would need before
Starting point is 01:32:36 having any reaction like this. He's got this perfectly reasonable explanation that entirely deflates the movie, but they have to have like different people keep interrupting him so he can't get all the way through it Right Katie Holmes interrupts him and Nana interrupts him and Tucker interrupts him And he's like if they clown falls down in a diabetic seizure Spiders start coming out of the house or so. Yeah, it's so fucking my favorite part is Tucker's interruption because Tucker Tucker's like a golden retriever when you pretend to be excited He's like, oh yeah, no, I'm mad at this guy too Because he's Austrian he looks real Austrian, huh?
Starting point is 01:33:15 Tucker tries to be kind of tough here, but it doesn't work out for him He's like you I agree with everybody else need to leave this taffy party right You know you can you again. Oh, you can have one piece, but then you must go for. You sir are uninvited from this taffy party. Protect my own menace. Okay, what color do you want? I'll grab it for you. Obviously, I'm going to wrap it for you too, because I don't want you to just say that. Oh yeah, as if you're going to get in your truck obviously.
Starting point is 01:33:44 You can wear wax paper and then another bag like a second. Let's be great. Cool. So we get to, we go back to the hotel, Bray is shamefully packing up ready to leave town because it's that point in the movie. Right. And as he's walking out, as he's checking out, he stops by to talk to Sloan again. As though the actor playing Sloan had some minimum number of scenes in her contract.
Starting point is 01:34:06 Yeah, or something. Yeah. He's like, Hey, you know, I have some words of wisdom about the power of positive thinking for you. And she's like, Oh, yeah, that'd be great. The movie hasn't had enough of that yet. Okay. But just to be clear, he's leaving now.
Starting point is 01:34:19 He's leaving town because he had a sentence interrupted like three times that would have found the movie. And he was like, you get three. I'm leaving now. And he's just, he's not going to let anybody else figure out this obvious story. And keep it in mind like he can texture. Right. He's got her phone number. He could just send a fucking text. Here's the whole story. Right. And here's $106,000 that I still haven't given to you. Right. But instead, he asks the hotel clerk to have a messenger, a messenger deliver the envelope. I wanted her to be like, oh, can I have a messenger deliver this?
Starting point is 01:34:57 Yeah, let me check the year. Oh, it's 2020. Send an email. It looks according to this. You're going to have to use one of the million other ways of sending messages besides a footman does the hotel have owls, please. So yeah, so the next morning Sloan brings Katie the envelope because Sloan had her fucking minimum, right? And she opens the envelope and dammit,
Starting point is 01:35:27 there's not a check for $106,000. And then we get, honestly, one of the greatest misunderstandings of how life works that I've ever seen in a fucking movie. She goes to her little legal pad, her little yellow note pad, in which she has added up all of her debts. All of her debts.
Starting point is 01:35:44 And they come to $104,000. So she's got just enough money to pay it off and a couple bucks left over. Okay. Just to be clear, the movie is saying that the universe wants this very struggling single mom and her three kids to have like two grand in the bank. Yes. So the grand solution of the universe was that. Yes. But keep in mind, like, debts are a monthly thing. Right? Like, so what, what that
Starting point is 01:36:11 means is that every month this woman goes and gets a new yellow notebook and, and we write out all of her new debts with a total amount. Why would she do that? Do they? Because the kid knows about laptops, right? The kid talks about laptops is a thing. They're aware of them. I just, it's so fucking dumb. But yeah, apparently she magneted that into reality with her positive thinking.
Starting point is 01:36:38 And that means she can gather the kids together and tell them that she doesn't have to fuck burn from stand by me anymore. And I love that little girl's like, soon do I get a pony and she's like, shut the fuck up. Um, some guys. Get her a fucking pony, whatever.
Starting point is 01:36:53 Why don't, I really, I need you to know as my children that I hate Tucker's penis. I just, I hate it so much. Thoughts, thoughts, huh? Yeah, and so, and we should point out too that she says like, we have a check for $106,000, I hate it so much. Thoughts. Thoughts? Huh? Yeah. And so, and we should point out too that she says, like, we have a check for $106,000, but this is just the first of a series of royalty checks
Starting point is 01:37:12 that we'll be getting like, for the rest of fucking time. Get the pony for Bessie. What the fuck? Right. Not every time the new invention appears on TV, they get it. Everybody's laughing. But mom's like, but we have just enough money after paying off all of our debts to go to town and buy you a computer. Let's go get you a Mac book because
Starting point is 01:37:33 we might as well burn some of that money too. Just set it on fucking fire. Sorry, I'm gonna get angry emails now. So we cut the town and this is normally a scene that I would just leave out of the show because it doesn't really fucking matter, but it's so good. I have to put it in there right. This is where they have the the fucking weight. There's a half hour weight at the restaurant. Oh God, yes.
Starting point is 01:37:56 Yeah. So they're all about to leave. But Greg, the sun is like, you know, I think I could use positive thinking magic to shorten that down to three minutes and they're like, what? And just then some people leave and the host comes out and says, you know, your family, party of however damn many of you there are. Yeah. And they get in.
Starting point is 01:38:16 Ambulance people just wheeling some guy out who had a heart attack. Okay. Oh, it's that a little bit of monkey's. A little monkey's mind. Oh, that's it. So Greg, you got to be way more specific with your restaurant requests for now on okay, man. So start of a goose bumps episode. And then on the drive home from this restaurant and and Macbook buying trip, Greg, you know,
Starting point is 01:38:44 stop the car, mom, stop the car. I just saw from 300 yards away, our mailbox half submerged in a pond. Okay. He recognized their mailbox. There it is. There it is. There it is. He recognized that.
Starting point is 01:39:02 He recognized that. He recognized that. He recognized that. That mailbox. Right. They could have made it like one of those novelty pig mailboxes or something So it would be obvious that that was their mailbox, but no, it's just a generic gray mailbox I wanted a bunch of scenes where he was like stop stop stop that's our mail And they had me like Greg you do this every time we know what that was a that was a beer can never mind Never mind. I just saw a glint also Greg doesn't know the envelope was in the mailbox. Greg has no reason to be invested in the mailbox, other than the writer coming to him, having
Starting point is 01:39:32 a pan and take a tag. I can't be too stupid to be like, man, this movie makes no fucking sense. And Katie Holmes is super mean in person. I thought that maybe she'd be nice. She's not. She's real mean now. So I know. So there's no new information in the mailbox, right? Cause they opened the mailbox and it's like, yep, he sure did already have that check for $106,000 and then lost it and get, but he already
Starting point is 01:39:58 told you that we're doing that and Greg the kid told her that earlier, he, like two scenes ago, he was like, hey, mom, that guy showed up like at the beginning of the movie. Right. And had that exact envelope that you now have just to be clear, this adds nothing. No, it's absolutely nothing. So and then we cut, we go over to Braz house and it would just for like two seconds so that we can see the girl there again and go like, oh, he has a girlfriend though. So that's not the love triangle. Again, that's going to turn out to be a sister. And then we have maybe the weirdest scene in
Starting point is 01:40:33 the entire fucking movie where Bessie, the youngest daughter has broken her ceramic pony to the point that it can't be fixed. Yep. Right. Yeah. And so Missy, the other sister comes in with mom and they try to calm Bessie down. I wanted Missy to calm down Bessie about the broken ceramic horse and then like both of them smile and become like universe positive. And then just like giant pony made a taffy
Starting point is 01:40:58 smash his roots. Oh, I was gonna think the pieces like suck back together. Like, yeah, right. Like Terminator 2 style or something Yeah, but yeah, no fucking point to this scene right because the mom's just like oh well, let's let you know Let's clean this up. There's no way to we'll just have to get you a new pony and they're like oh, okay I guess there was a point to that scene and mom's like nope sure Wasn't well the kids do have the braider vention here where they're like mom
Starting point is 01:41:23 We've been thinking about it. You should fuck Bray. Yes. He seems like he'd be good at Connolingus. You know, stay down there. Where are your children? I feel like it's Gerry O'Connell who's going to be better there.
Starting point is 01:41:34 That's just me. I don't know. He gives me a good, a good mouth vibe. But yeah, but this is where Katie Holmes realizes that Bray was the love interest all along. And then we cut to Bray teaching
Starting point is 01:41:45 his engineering class, right? And the movie has to say math words for a second. Yes. He's like, now we will derive an equation of motion. other math words. Classless, smooth, ingredients. He actually says ingredients. He's like, what other words have four syllables? Taffy. And then we get Katie Holmes
Starting point is 01:42:18 visiting dead dad's grave, right? Yeah, this is a weird speech. She's like, hey, dead husband. Ah, you might want to sit down for this. No, I'm a little confused. She's like, oh, you're good. You're good.
Starting point is 01:42:31 I'm a little confused. I'm engaged to Jero Connell. And he's helping their kids for this whole time, but there's this taffy guy. So, do you remember that guy you met on the plane? I'm gonna fuck him a whole bunch. The guy who ate your heart. Yes.
Starting point is 01:42:47 Have a flower. So yeah. And then she goes to the office to break up with Tucker. And it's just so like, you know, well, I guess we got to wrap this up, right? Like they go in, she goes in, she's got the engagement ring and the key to the land rover and she's like, I don't think it's going to work out. And he's like, Oh, well, is there, um, is there time for me to have a whole big scene where we discussed this? And she's like, not really know the music's already playing in, in fairness, he's like, it's
Starting point is 01:43:15 the public proposal and the, the photo, the photo cake with the sheet cake with the photo. Like I get it. All right. Yeah. I was a, I was a light fully except for those, I was a I was a lightfully except for those I tricked teeth for a while, but like Yeah, even just one of those be a valid reason to break it off. She says I just want you to know I think you're wonderful. And I wanted to add I just like this guy knew for a day and a half more than like way more than you obviously I was considerably more so much more. And then, and then we get this stupid ass fucking scene where Katie Homes goes home to explain the plot to Nana in case anybody isn't quite following all along with all these various complexities. The movies explaining itself to itself one character at a time very slowly after having already
Starting point is 01:44:02 done that. So many times you see the banana thing was always a joke. It was my joke and they stole it. They stole my joke. So you sucked it. Man, it's like, well, I get it, but like, Bray still should have just told you he had the check for $106,000 and Katie Holmes is like, and then we wouldn't have had a fucking movie.
Starting point is 01:44:22 Now, would we, Nana, think about it? Think. And she's like, right? Do you want this sag after? Do you want to figure it out? Because I have nothing. They stopped showing Dawson's Creek on TV 26 years ago. Okay? Absolutely incorrect. You still watch it. I watch it a lot. So she says she's like, but I'm going to go back to school and be a nurse. But first, I'm going to go on a road trip this weekend and see if I can find the end of this fucking movie. Let me, can I just throw something out there? Let me start something out there.
Starting point is 01:44:53 A controversial take. A take is hurtful as it is true, if I will. I don't think anybody when they are free of financial obligation wants to be a nurse. I know a nurse is a lot of them, but like, if you ask a nurse, like, hey, do you love this? Is this super fun? There's no nurses. They're like, yes, if I had a million dollars, I'd still come in every single day.
Starting point is 01:45:15 Oh, cleaning the poop off of old people. Are you kidding me? That is like, that's what I would do with my free time. I love most about my job is knowing more than doctors and making a quarter of their salary. All right. So then we cut back to praise class. I love this scene so much because there's a sign at the front of the room that says
Starting point is 01:45:37 Vanderbilt in case any of the students forgot which college they were. They were. I thought you heard her better. I'm. I'm. Are you part of this or never man? Is this national community got no? Oh, yes. All right. Now that I think his obviously it has to sign. Oh, we doing mathematics.
Starting point is 01:45:55 Okay. No, he's a sign. He's a math class. Got it. What's the opposite of a puzzle? It's okay. She pizza. She by checked it on chat.
Starting point is 01:46:03 She. So she. She turned it out up the front from now on. So then we get her like showing up at his app. Apparently he's got a fucking mansion, right? Apparently, Bray lives in a rich inventor slash professor mansion, right? And we get Katie Holmes showing up there to like, you know, have the reunion moment. Yes. Okay. Like, that's dumb. But even worse, you call, have the reunion moment. Yes. Okay. Like, that's dumb. But even worse, you call ahead before,
Starting point is 01:46:29 like he's, he's gonna wanna take a shower at least, you know? Something. It's gonna just a little mouthwash, something. But he's not there. It's instead, it's his sister who we thought was his girlfriend up until now, but she tells us now that she's his sister and has with the whole time and lives in his home apparently. Anyway, so that we cut back to her house where fucking Brian's showing up because he's doing
Starting point is 01:46:54 the show up at her house at the same time that she's doing the show up at his house. Okay. This is the dumbest part, perhaps, of the entire movie, because they're saying that the universe chose to make them do, like, one last annoying extra driving thing before the universe lets them collide romantically, finally. Yeah. Well, you know, they both wanted to finish their audiobook and they kind of thought about it for a little too long and that's what you get. Yeah, I guess.
Starting point is 01:47:20 Yeah, right. And it's also just like the movie could have just fucking ended. Right, it could have just ended because one of the other of them, they could have, in fact, if they could have stopped at the same fucking gas station as they were going and they could have just looked over the fucking gas island and there they were. It would have made perfect sense
Starting point is 01:47:37 given the whole idea that they were manifesting shit throughout the fucking movie. And we would have been saved by a goddamn scene. It would have been a better fucking film, but the writer for this movie is so goddamn stupid that he has both of them arrive at their destination, turn back around and drive to a fucking neutral location in between.
Starting point is 01:47:54 Yeah, okay. If while they were driving back, one of them got like hit by an airplane that came out of the highway, that's great. I want them to have a head on collision so badly. And just like, so good. Sorry, this assholes his bright side. That's a terrible. And then he's like, you know, hey, so now that we're both through the, like, you know, rich and vendors, do you want to stop at the waffle house? You want to meet
Starting point is 01:48:18 at a waffle house? Wouldn't that be great? Stop it a fucking, you want to go inside and get a, get in a fist fight with a pregnant wait Right, yeah, that will just make like we just beat the chargers in the wild car round stop at the waffle house Why would just one of them stay put and go meet there? Yeah, just one of them drives now Yeah, that would make fucking sense but no, so but then we do the whole like they're gonna do the running into each other's arms Scene, but they're gonna do it at a waffle house parking lot. They should fight. You, you would imagine they'd run together and fight. It's a waffle house. It's kissing is the most wholesome thing two people have ever done in a waffle house for you. I wanted them to turn and everyone from inside is outside being
Starting point is 01:48:59 like, we thought you was going to fight. Because it's a waffle house. Fuck are you doing? We thought you was gonna fight. Cause it's a waffle house. Fuck are you doing? You hear for waffles? It's like they were trying to tee us up, right? It's like they were like, you know what, those poor gam guys, we really fucked up this ending. Let's give them, let's tee them up for something here
Starting point is 01:49:15 with this waffle house reference. It's like a really bad country song. Just like comment love at the waffle house. It's covered in smothered and smashed to love in. So that sounds like an amazing country. That sounds like an incredible song. All right.
Starting point is 01:49:33 So then so we wrap up on the house. Apparently she's had it all renovated and she sold it so they could move into braze. Richie asked inventor professor mansion. The one plot point they thought they had. They were like, I don't know, fuck this house. I got money now, yeah. Yeah. Right, right.
Starting point is 01:49:50 But then, but we stick around long enough, it's Christmas and Bray got Bessie a pony. A pony. What? I just, I really wanted a truckload of Taffy to be also pointed this. This is. And he goes, imagine that. And I'm like, get it because shit just falls
Starting point is 01:50:08 into attractive white people's laps so often that they have to pretend they have magic powers, not to feel guilty about. No, no, this was magic. A guy bought a pony. The big, big stage of goods. The guy bought a pony with money from the job he had. Yeah, six. That little girl's not gonna take good care of that pony. No, probably not. And then, and that's it, we zoom out, there's just, we zoom out from Earth all the way out for the fucking Milky Way goddamn galaxy for some reason.
Starting point is 01:50:39 No idea. Yeah, I wrote my notes. Oh man, are we gonna zoom out onto a cat's necklace? It feels like we've been there. All right. So, but the moral of this story, obviously, is that you can have anything just by wanting it. So now that you guys know that that is the case, what are you going to positive think into existence first? Cancel. He's swish. Oh, no, no, I have have the what's the opposite of a vision board blindness board? I blind you I was a blindess board. What's up? What animal is the most visual? I need to know it so I can write a board on an eagle
Starting point is 01:51:14 It's actually an eagle. So and I got that it was a bird and while that's gonna do a far review of the secret Daringord dream that's not gonna do it for the episode just yet because we still need to manifest another episode next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well, Noah, we're going to keep the love going and bring the heat with next week's movie, God and salsa. All right. Well, even since description that name has been excited.
Starting point is 01:51:42 So with that, we're going to be more than that. That's going to bring up a 391 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you'd like to cover yourself among the ranks, you can perhaps donate to patreon.com.se. God off of them and thereby earn an early access to an entry version of every episode. You can also help it. I'll leave you a five-star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, this is getting a deacetician D&D minus and the skepticrat available wherever
Starting point is 01:52:05 podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or suggestions, you can email Godoff from movies.gmail.com, Tim Robertson takes care of our social media, our theme song was written in the form of our rightest laughing for Jeff Stomars, our other music was written in the form of our audio engineer Morgan Kirkkin was used with permission. Thanks again for giving this a check out your life this week for Heathen right in the lab buzzing and I'm going to lose this promise and to work harder and earn another chunk next week until then.
Starting point is 01:52:22 We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Tucker put, Bray dying in a second plane crash on his vision board and married Melinda. Melinda and her children lived happily ever after on their $2,000 surplus. Eli Bosnick was a chance encounter with me away from a life where he stood outside of busy restaurants and tried to use Wish Mansion. It's still through the... Her name's Joey Potter forever. Thank you. You mean buying? Are you buying a car with money? Oh, I lost teeth. Are you? Are you buying
Starting point is 01:53:21 a car with money? We lose you, Eli? Is that what's happening? Hello? My hand right now. The money that you have in your bank. Did you just buddwire on us? Just by using to purchase a motor vehicle? Oh no. Because I can't have, you know, like a dismissive ending to this interaction that we're having today.
Starting point is 01:53:41 It's time for cutting. Slowly. There he is. I hear a fresh. Do we have to restart? So I've lined up. He's online now. I heard him for a second saying,
Starting point is 01:53:54 refreshed it. Yeah. How about now? All right, we can hear you now. Yeah, sorry for that. What I imagine is truly excruciating pause. I've continued the conversation as long as I could. Sorry, you want to give me that line again? But that's the movie, though. That is the movie, dude.
Starting point is 01:54:15 I laughed so hard just being Cremilton. I was like, when he's Cremilton and is He's crumbled in and is a stupid, missy and bestie and pray and talk her. Fuck yet. The fuck out of here. You like trying to get the answer to the what's the opposite of a puzzle? This is actually this was this is really good.
Starting point is 01:54:36 It's just that that my whole bit like counts on. I know I stole it. I got it from chat GPD. I asked chat GPD with the up. What animal was the opposite of a puzzle? And it made fun of me, but then it told chatGPT. I know chatGPT. I asked chatGPT with the what animal was the opposite of a puzzle. And it made fun of me, but then it told me it was sheep. Oh, right on, right on. Awesome. That is correct. It's probably just a good sentence.
Starting point is 01:54:53 But chatGPT is actually just know us somehow answer. The preceding podcast was production of puzzle in a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2023. All rights reserved. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thedrstrom LLC, Copyright 2023, all rights reserved.

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