God Awful Movies - 401: The Pope's Exorcist

Episode Date: April 25, 2023

This week, the guys team up for an atheist review of The Pope's Exorcist, the controversial new film that people who pretend to suck demons out of mentally ill people for a living say is making them look bad. --- Come see us in Detroit on July 22nd! https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-detroit-tickets-617420751087 --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

So they start trying to do the actresses in them and of course the demon gets in his head right away. We see Rizorio standing there eating, but she's eating a bird like a cartoon character eating corn on the cob. She's there, right? All I can, it's me trying to podcast in the first year of this show. I just like, you guys doing an actin' of them. It's got beans in it.

They say you're not supposed to put jeez beans in the chili. Uh. Not awful. Movie. Movie. Movie. Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be friend Heath and right, Heath, welcome back. Thanks Noah. Russell Crowe in theaters. Very exciting. Yeah, we had a field trip. Exciting. Again, I was not entertained if I'm being honest, but it was.

Oh, that's right. And sitting down under my North East is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? I'm amazing Noah. Fantastic and amazing. You didn't have a Russell Crowe joke to open with. You didn't have something sitting in your back box. Russell Crowe. Oh, no. Okay, I guess the answer is no. So tell us, Ethan.

Beautiful mind over there. What will we be breaking down today? We watched the Pope's exorcist. It's the very real story of Catholic priest named Gabrielle Amorth, the Michael Jordan of exorcism, which is a really silly concept, but they're sure that's a thing. This guy, for real, the person it's based on in 2013, claimed to have performed 160,000 exorcisms over his career. Yes, and And there's like a big fight about it in the Catholic Church not that exorcisms are silly and nothing

But that it wouldn't be possible to do that many. Yeah, there's like some guy who is who is in second place now Who's like furious about this number? Yeah, it's like though. It's the will chamberlain fuck math So he was to fuck 11 people in day from yeah, right, right. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you loved the exorcist, but you wish it start fucking Wario, you will know this movie.

Yes, you will. Yeah, and I wanted to tackle this up from because I saw a few like, yeah, but this was just a fun rom type comments on our social media when we announced that we're doing this movie and I feel like I need to emphasize upfront how insidious it is to keep pretending that extricism is a real thing, right? Like children will die because of this stupid fucking movie. I'm sorry to start off being a bummer like that, but there's no fucking romp here.

This movie encourages people to try to abuse the mental illness out of their children and it's supposed to be based on a real fucking guy. You know, rompy stuff. Just to be like abusive children type stuff and nibbling. You can't get your tongue that far in your cheek. I'm sorry. Yeah. Anyway.

Okay, but here's the thing that makes it kind of extra bad. The movie also admits that not all mentally ill children need extra systems. Just some of them. Yeah. Just the magic one. Yeah. It's like you're talking to a 9-11 truth or he's like, look, I'm a skeptic too. And you want to be like, I actually just legal for you to say that word.

Yeah. Alright. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best of being the worst at best, best thick Russell Crowe and a Vespa. Sure. Oh my God. It's so delightful. Before I even watched it, I just looked up like the poster and I saw Russell Crowe and

a Vespa. I was like, all right. That's all I'm going to be able to see for two hours. Yep. It's just that guy. And he's on a Vespa and it was his idea. Russell Crowe, the actor was like, I want to be on a Vespa because it's cool. I saw a pretty stunt of Espa once and it was like the best.

The tiny or the better. Yeah. Right. And that actually moves right into my best worst, which is best worst. Oh, trust us. This is scary. Right. We start off with a guy in a funny hat on a little tiny

ass festival almost, you know, clown size compared to his size or whatever. And then we're like, but this is a very serious horror movie. Look, we just watched night of the fucking lepus. And I'm going to say this is the best worst. Oh trust us. This is scary. Oh yeah, for sure. And okay, this is kind of a spoiler for like the last four seconds of the movie, but I do have to point it out here. I'm gonna go with best worst attempted a podcast diverse. Right. We'll talk about it when it happens. Podcast diverse about this now. There's gonna be a lot of sequels. All right, well given the his notorious temper, we probably don't want to keep Russell waiting for long. So we're gonna

keep the break brief when we come back. We'll dive into all the unintentional silliness that is the Pope's exorcist. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey, podcast listener, I'm No Illusions. I'm Heathen, right? And I'm Eli Bosnick. You know, we're going to have a lot of fun with this week's movie. But it's important to remember that if you were a love one or experiencing demonic possession, no, you are not.

That's right, Eli. No, you're not. What you're experiencing is mental illness, 100% of the time guaranteed, no matter what, that's what it was. Indeed, but if you are loved one, think there might be demons or act even if you just need somebody to talk to, better help is a great place to start. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and sued to your schedule. Just a lot of brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. Discover your potential with better help.

Visit betterhelp.com slash awful today, to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp. H-E-L-P.com slash awful today to get 10% off your first month. That's better help help.com slash awful. Better hope because it's never demons. Thank you so much for coming. Are you the priest? No, we're podcasters actually. I'm Noah.

This is Heath. Hi. But but I called for an exorcist. Yeah. No, I know. It's a little confusion. There are friend Eli listed us as exorcists in the phone book as a, as a prank war. Yeah, but I mean, we're here.

So you need help or you know, it's just something. Yes, please. Can you talk to my son, Timmy? Fuck off. You see, you see? Yeah, okay. Sure. Hey, um, okay, sure. Hey, um, hey, demon.

You know not what you trifle with, mortal! Well, you're a demon, right? Yes, one of the two hundred who fell from heaven with the dragon. Changed voices, and now you're like a stupid opposite day thing or what's going on? It is not stupid. Did it again? It's pretty stupid man. You're a demon from hell and your ammo is taken over twins and making them do back bends.

I'm destroying the innocence of a child. I don't want to make it a contest, but the Catholic Church is way aheady on that. Oh, like wait, like lifetimes ahead. Like way. Okay. Damn it. I just. Yeah.

Let's, let's, let's say what though. You leave the kids body and we will set you up with the podcast. Yeah. Totally. Evil does surprisingly well in our market. So good stuff. Can I do drop in heads like every six minutes? I wouldn't expect anything else,

Stephen, I wouldn't expect anything else. And we're back for the breakdown, and we're gonna open up on that fucking that one sound from every preview, and then a stupid-ass quote from the priest, the actual priest that this movie is based on, as one of the devil is happiest when we

don't think he exists kind of thing. Oh, he's the, yeah, the thing he stole from the usual suspects, whatever. Yes. Right. It's your own thing. I just wrote in my notes. Ooh. Yeah.

I wrote the, I wanted to go to my room anyway of apologetics. Yeah. No, the devil wanted you to not believe he exists. That's why he's so non-existent looking. And that's why he never possesses people who don't believe in him. It's really, it's, it's, it's right, right, because then yeah, he fucked that up. So then we got immediately to Russell grow on this tiny little mo pet. It is, I'm sorry, it's impossible for anybody to look bad ass on a mo pet, but he's not even trying. Nope. So imagine a scary movie and I'm the monster and I'm sorry, it's like it's impossible for anybody to look badass on a mo pet, but he's not even try it. Nope. So imagine a scary movie And I'm the monster and I'm on a rocking horse. That's way

Silly every time we see this is well, what he shows up. He's on a mo pet He's wearing a silly hat and he's got a fucking Sidekick. I'm like, there's no fucking way. This is horrible Yeah, yeah, you don't have the guts movie. You don't have the fucking guts. If that big talks, this is a children's cartoon no matter what the fuck else happens in this movie. Yep. And look, I don't want to make too many fat jokes about Russell Crowe. Okay. Because I'm a big body dude myself. But here's what I will say. The fact that in the opening scene, he walks into people at dinner and they all instantly look terrified.

I do tracks with what Rossel's bringing to the film physically. I thought he was looking good in this. I thought he's definitely it's big Russell Crowe and it's working for him. I think that the Mo Pet is making them look bigger than he is too. Anyway, so you shave around the mob. So he walks into this house and apparently the sun at this house is possessed by a demon, right? Like the priest walks up and briefs him in a little walk and talk on the way up, right? So he goes upstairs, the kids all demoned up. He says, I am Legion. I wrote boo, boring, Ben there done that. Also, I enjoyed the response to this.

Russell Crowe's like, oh, you're, you're Legion. I feel like you're lying though. I feel like you're lying. Cause like right away with the Legion thing, as soon as I walked in, you did the like quote from the Bible. Really? We did the one, the one demon that's in the book. Okay.

Okay. Let's go to the library and pick up a deep cut. Okay. Just make sure you don't do a sillier nickname for a demon later because that would ruin the scaryness. Right. So yeah, but Russell Crowe was supposed to learn here is skeptical when he comes to do exorcisms, right?

He's asking the demon, he's like the Harrison Ford to replicants of demons, right? Yes, exactly. He's like asking a bunch of demon questions, the demon's not getting of demons, right? Yes, yes, exactly. He's like asking a bunch of demon questions, the demons not getting the answers, right? But it's like the most basic to what's my name? Bear. Wow, really slow, really slow.

Yeah, no. So. You said Legion already. But then Russell Crowe starts baiting it, right? He's like, he's like, I double-dog dare you to possess this pig instead of the kid that you're in right now. I bet you can't. I bet you're too much of a sissy to possess this pig. It was like a demon trying to get prescribed to Adderall badly. And like,

those are guys who are like, no, no, that feels like you made that one up too. No. Yeah. But we should be clear, it works in the scene. Yeah. You fucking rabbit season duck seasons, the demon, including the gunshot at the end. Right, no, yeah, the demon jumps into the pig and then the pre-standing behind the pig shoots it to death. And of course, all of us wrote,

well, that's the silliest exercise I have. Yeah, it's like, right, it's the thing Jesus did, right? He shot demons into a pig, so that's why the pig was there. At this point though, I was like, right, it's the thing Jesus did, right? He shot demons into a pig. So that's why the pig was there. At this point though, I was like, okay, if this is about a demon pig for the rest of the movie, I'm on the floor. Such a better movie. No, shit. Then what we got now, but I think, and it cracked me if I'm wrong, guys, I think that this scene is supposed to be like, oh, this kid's mentally ill, he's not really possessed.

So he just tells him that the demons in the pig and the kid stops having a mental illness. Yeah, we're gonna establish that. In a couple of minutes, a little later in the movie, we're gonna establish that's exactly what just happened. Right, which means that in the world of this movie, you can prayer rabbit people out of mental illness. Yes, exactly.

But all I need is Russell Crowe to show up during my house during a depressive episode and be like, you're not the unhappy and I'd be like, you got me. You got me. You got me. Cracks up, huh, joke is, ah, you smile. You're not. You're fine now. You're fine.

Yeah. The thing that's been keeping schizophrenics back all this time is that no one explains how their delusions don't make sense. Right. No, that's it. So we cut to July of 1987. We've got an American family moving to a haunted castle in Spain. And there's your first problem right there, right? You know, you kind of have it coming. Yeah. I also just want to point out that we've watched a lot of horror movies and I've watched even more on my own because horror movies tend to be some of the best worst movies. This is the laziest exposition family I have ever fucking seen.

porn watches this exposition is like, come on, I mean something. Build an era. It's just an obnoxious passive aggressive daughter mom fight in a long car ride. Yes. So they're trying to to expose it stuff, but the daughter is like, golf, whatever, fuck you mom. So nothing really happens. And they're just like, all right, we'll just, we'll show it, I guess we were going to tell it. This movie is so lazily written that they made the son of mute. It never comes out. It never matters. It never applies to the plot. They just made him mute because they were like fuck. I don't know

what I'm trying to do. I know. He's got me. He's got me. He's got me. He's got me. He's got me. He's got me.

He's got me. He's got me. He's got me. He's got me. He's got me. He's got me. He's got me. He's got me. He's got me. He's got me. He's got me. he's got a stomach flu all week because he's vomiting. The beast. Oh, man, are you really gotten must be neurovirus?

And I also have to point out how easy it would have been for this movie to pass the back. They'll test here, right? Because the sun is in the back. He's mute. He's not part of the conversation is to mom and the daughter and they can be talking about anything at all. And what they haven't talked about is to mom sluts shaving the daughter for how short her shorts are and the fact that construction workers will see her he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he guy who spends the whole podcast on physical appearances, but like this kid does not look normal before he's possessed.

Okay. This is very like if you showed me this little boy, I'd be like, I mean, he's like 25% possessor, right? Probably demon. I'm not saying a more powerful demon doesn't take over later in the movie. I'm saying when he wasn't wearing special effects makeup in this movie, it didn't help at all. Yeah. So you know when you're like indoor kid, it's like demon kid for sure.

Yeah. Exactly. Mm-hmm. So then we cut back to Russell Crowe. He's getting ready for some big important meaning in the Vatican. But before he could do that, he has to have a quick theological discussion with Bishop Lemumba. Yeah.

Right. This is the one where he's like, hey, why doesn't God kill Satan? Like, that would make more sense, wouldn't it? It's the best. They go so badly for the movie, which wrote itself here. Yes. It's just like, yeah, our whole God thing,

like, contradicts itself, doesn't it? And the other priest is like, yeah. Yeah, should we cut? One of his responses in this conversation again, which never he never explains further is well, God isn't called without free will. And I was just like, wait, what? What? No, I have.

I have questions. But Bishop Lamon was like, yep, that makes an entirely perfect sense. Anyway, next scene. So we go back to the family. They're now arriving at their castle. There's this great moment where the daughter's like, God, I wanted a better castle. Are you serious, Mom,

a seven bedroom, Arathian, God? No one's going to want to come to my parties here. And at one point, that daughter, she just lights up a cigarette in the middle of this giant scary house and mom's like, hey, what are you don't just write in them? Don't smoke right there.

And the daughter's just like, hey, hey, look at me. Fuck you. Fuck you. They might as well have her just screaming the word angst from off camera while mom's talking to the priest guy. I wrote my notes during this section, sweetie, too much rebelling in one opening scene. Okay, yeah, exactly. Okay, but pick a rebellion.

In fairness, this is horrible parenting, right? Because like a whole bunch of construction workers are there, like fixing this place up. And one of them is like, hey, welcome to like, you know, the house made of fears that your mom just moved you into against your will. Good luck with this. And that's what happens to you. Yeah, how dare a mother move her child into the castle that she owns. Well, and let me, let me double agree with, with that he, because as we're going to learn in a couple of minutes, these children's father died less than a year ago. So this woman walked over to the car accident where her husband got speared through the brain

and she was like, I should move these kids out of the country. I should get them. Something spooky would be perfect. Yeah, this is also where we're gonna meet Thomas the random priest that shows up to be part of the movie, right? Thomas is the man. Thomas will do everything wrong. Thomas is the funniest comedic character ever written into a film ever.

Charlie Chaplin's The Tramp has nothing on Thomas as far as comic relief goes. So okay, so we cut to Amy brush and our teeth. This is where we get the pre jump scare jump scare right the kid in the mask, the little boy in the mask. How the guy Fox demon thing that he found. Yeah. Can we arrange for some kind of ticket system for the pre jump scare jump scare for horror movies? Like, look, if you want to make it scared by someone just walking into the bathroom

because you did the weird thing with the music and the sound effects, you could do it, but you should have to pay like $500 to the local shooting goal. Right. Yes. For every time you do. Right. Oh, that was just a door closing loudly. effects you could do it, but you should have to pay like $500 to the local shooting goal. Right. Yes. For every time you do. Right. Oh, that was just a door closing loudly.

I had a jar or something to keep the money. Yeah. Right. The might as well just have the director walk on screen here at this point. Go, I promise there's a horror movie in here somewhere. See, masks scary. Ooh. Anyway, so and the kids shave in a haircut, Knox.

And the sister has to answer back. And yes, listen, that is foreshadowing my best words here. They are going to try to make shave in a haircut scary. It's and I cannot wait to talk about it. It's the literal opposite of a potential pop scare. Yes, because you know in your heart, in your bones, that's coming next. Everybody does. Right. So,

okay. So little brother goes exploring the creepy basement. He's like, oh, there's weird banging sounds. I better check that out. I'm like, there's construction everywhere all over this fucking house. There's got to be banging sounds coming from seven directions right now. Yeah. And he finds a little hole in one of the walls in the basement. And he looks through the little hole. And he's like, uh, it's a secret room. Evil. I'm not going to tell anybody about this. I'll circle about it.

I don't have a further comments about that. I almost went with best worst glory hole. Just once I want to watch a horror movie where a child under 12 doesn't immediately explore the scariest and dankest area of the house. That would be nice. Just to demon being like, he's not going to explore this. I thought he's not going to start up my thing. They're playing Nintendo Switch for like four and a half hours. Oh, damn it.

Let's screen time and let's we, but thank you. Thank you for saying and I'm the evil one. So then mom comes in to have a heart to heart with Amy where they again managed to fail the backdow test, right? They start the conversation talking about dad and end talking about Henry. Oh my God. I could only assume that the actual script pages said, you know, exposition, yada, yada, yada.

Yeah. And these two actresses were kind of weighing it. Right. No, they just go back and forth stating their various motivations and stuff. So dad died and now mom has no choice but to restore this castle and sell it or get a job and fuck that noise. Right. So they're restoring the castle. I feel like it's worth more than nothing even before the restoration. But what do I know? You would think yeah. And like an ancient castle abbey might be, yeah, might be able to support your suburban life in Bayon, Ohio, wherever the fuck you live. So, you know, I went house where everybody's like,

yeah, there were murders there. It's like that, but like demon murders for this. Yes. Also, mom never says that she's like a famous architect or a famous, you know, archaeologist or specialist in any way, which means we're supposed to assume this suburban mom's husband kicks it in a car accident and she's just like, well,

I did see some side hustle stuff on TikTok about castles. I'm pretty sure I got this. Right, why would she have to be there? Yeah. Dropships and demonology, oh, I figured it out. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, So yeah, but we also learned in this scene that Henry has been tiny tim in it since dad died a year ago. Mm-hmm. Then we cut back to Russell Crowe on his little Vespa. The best.

So silly. Every time it comes on screen. You see, man. My notes are just pure sex. Right. I want him to get in sillier and sillier vehicles as the movie goes like on a unicycle in the next one. He's doing a handstand. I'm gonna take away by the end of the movie. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, I have a funny thing in there. So, but he's gotta go and see a panel of very important Catholics. Right. This is where he admits that they're like, you did an unauthorized exercise. And he's like, no, no, I just tricked a mentally ill person into thinking that I And he's like, no, no, I just tricked a mentally ill person into thinking that I pig murdered his mental illness away. It's such a weird conversation. First of all, this is an HR meeting with priest set at the Vatican. That's a bad start. And they're like, you did demon magic wrong, which is also stupid and silly, but he's like,

no, okay, serious argument back. That wasn't an exorcism technically, so it doesn't count. I did say the words, I'm going to summon Satan, but I was I was tricking a kid. I was just tricking a kid and now he's fine. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And he says at this point, he's like, look, 98% of the cases that get referred to me are just mental illness. And I'm like, I'll take the over if we're, if we're, if we're in bats. I wrote my notes and two percent are me lying about mental illness. Right. Right.

According to the movie, the two percent is evil demons, literal demons. Yeah. Also, I just have to point this out because it made me so happy. This was almost my best worst right before they're about to start the hearing. One of the guys goes, this is a formal hearing at the Vatican. And therefore it would be in English. Yeah, right. Yes.

I think they make it so lazy. Do they just have like bullshitting meetings in Italian where they just like sit on pillows and like hang out? Yeah, I guess like how can you take Italian seriously that it just sounds silly. Yeah, as everyone knows, the Vatican's official language. He's English. Oh yeah. So, but he's talking about the 2% of cases that are actual demon possessions. And he's like, you know, those possessions can found all of science.

And I'm like, unless you mean it in their effort to document it, you're wrong, right? Yeah. Yeah. But we also, we have to meet this character. He's like the, the EPA guy in Ghostbusters, right? He's the guy who's skeptical of all of this demon possession stuff. And he's gonna have to get covered in marshmallow fluff over and over again in this movie as well, right? He's the Vatican skeptic. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. And he's announcing to Russell Crowe that they're like downsizing the exercise department at the Vatican, which was a real thing, probably still is.

Yeah. The guy it's based on was like, again, the Michael Jordan of the exorcism department. And he like became the president of the international exorcist society or whatever. It's so stupid. Now I'm picturing an Italian guy like doing a super long jump, but instead of a basketball, he's just got a child's head. And instead of a hoop, it's like holy water. And really, Scotty Pippin was doing the exorcisms.

If you really like looking at it, thank you. So, okay, so, but Russell Kross pissed about all of this downsizing shit and this idea that maybe exorcisms aren't needed anymore in the Vatican. So he's leaving. He gives him his like talk talk to the Pope's speech. Yeah. And he fucks off. Yeah.

He storms out, but right before he storms out, he takes a victory sip of espresso that he had. Yes. And you see, Ross would probably be like, hot, that didn't work very well. That was a prop that was room temperature, my no. What? Not even, no sugar.

So that week we cut to mom. She's looking over these papers in front of the very scary trust us fireplace at the castle. And she hears a creepy sound that she has to check out. Again, this is just a bang. I feel like old castles just make creepy sounds. And if you checked out everyone, that would be literally the only thing that you would ever be able to do Yeah, my house is from like the 1800s and if I checked out every creepy sound

I would eventually be found dead of exhaustion on my back on my basement stairs Also, can we just all agree as a people? I don't like to preach here on our podcast We're trying to have a good time, but with me in unity, can we all just agree not to say, hello, anyone there when we're scared? Let's just not do it. Let's just not do it. Let's come up with a new catch. I'll tell you what would freak out a ghost.

If you were just like, hello, this is making me come. Your ghost is immediately, your ghost is going to be like, uh, I want no part of that. All right. Hello, I'm walking away to somewhere safer and I'm gonna alert people. Right. It will be a movie after this.

Right. You better do something creepy now. So, oh, and then of course, we cut to the sun who opens his eyes, but trust us, it's very, very scary. He's downloading Satan 4.0 or whatever. Yeah. Right. One item to have to reset from the beginning.

Oh, what does that mean? Estimated time one hour. Yeah, right, right. One item to have to reset from the beginning. Oh, what does that mean? Estimated time one hour. Oh, God, this is awful. Where are all the bridges? I don't know. What? So then, okay, so we cut over to a couple of construction workers in the basement.

One of them's like, man, I'll sure will be happy when I don't have to be in this house or this movie anymore. And I'm like, good news, dude. So they see the glory hole, they see the demonic glory hole as they're walking by, right? Yeah. Now he's, you're the construction expert of the podcast when one finds, oh, am I a hole in a basement? What's the best tool to sort of shine some light on the situation?

I'm going to blow it up right away by lighting a flare next to some red flare Jeff gas probably best way to go in a Residence I was writing in my notes as he lit up the fucking flare instead of just turning on a goddamn flashlight I was writing where I hope it's not a gas line as the paceman explode it guys Do we have a nuclear flashlight with like a turbine that I can fire up? Maybe I don't know.

I'm in a lot of light. So but the construction workers are like, no, it's too dangerous. There's an underlying underground gas deposit. Our guys are pulling out. And therefore there will be nobody to say that this didn't happen later, right? We the last reasonable witnesses are leaving the movie. Goodbye. Yes.

Right. So mom heads upstairs after they declare that they're leaving. And damn it if Henry isn't full on his zest now. Oh man. Yeah. I enjoyed. So it's revealed here that he's like a demon and the demons yelling at him and he's like, you're all going to die.

And they don't respond enough like so the demon gets mad that nobody takes them seriously. He yells, you're all gonna die. And they don't respond enough, like, so the demon gets mad that nobody takes them seriously. He yells, you're all gonna die. And he's like, okay, I thought that would really just have bigger impact. Face claw, any face claw, himself. Yeah. And they're like, all right, man. Right, there's, there's this moment where they're going,

like, okay, well, you know, he is talking again, that's good, but he's demonically telling us we're all gonna die, which is bad. I don't know how to, oh, face scratch. No, this is bad. This is bad. No, face scratch is bad, face scratch is bad. We just let him keep doing that because then the demon loses. I don't understand. So then, so we cut to the hospital, Henry's getting a cat scan or whatever. The doctors are, of course, entirely stopped. They're like, well, you know, we didn't see any mental illnesses on that cat scan. So we don't know what to do. We give up. We just see a tiny stick figure with horns doing like a dance while holding a

trident. Do you think that's the demon doctor? No. And the doctor goes like, now, is there any chance that your kid is like severely traumatized? And the mom's like, oh, yeah. Yeah. No, I'm glad you brought that up. He's like a classic example of someone who's having a psychotic break after a traumatic incident.

Like, he's even suffered from short-term mutism. It's right on the money. We will never follow up on this. His dad just died. And if you're thinking not by getting impaled through the face while the kid was looking, you'd be incorrect. Yeah. No, definitely trauma, 100%.

Right. And the doctor says, well, you know, it could be psychosis. And the mom's like, no, it couldn't. He's just a kid. What? You need to mature on your 13th birthday. That's when you get the ability to do psychosis. It comes with your first.

Right. No, it's like mutant powers, yeah. Yeah, so it's a fucked up response by the doctors here. I mean, partially good, partially fucked up. They're like, sorry, we did tell, it's not a demon like you asked us to test for. So your child is discharged, take a Tylenol, I don't know. But shouldn't they be like,

hey, maybe some mental health care would be good? Well, but they do, right? That's the guy that Dr. Wong's off. And he's like, well,'t know, but shouldn't they be like, hey, maybe some mental health care would be good? Well, but they do, right? That's the guy, the doctor walks off and he's like, well, you know, it's probably some sort of psychosis and the mom's like, no, it isn't. And that's the end of that talk. Oh, the doctor got, okay, so good doctors.

They just got shut down on the good. Yeah, no, this is a movie about how much worse we were at treating mental illness issues when I was a kid actually, when I was about his age, I guess. So, no, but to be clear, like, because they give them, when I was about his age, I guess. So now, but to be clear, like, because they give them, like, give them mom sedatives, right? They're like, hey, I think he has another episode like this, give him some of these sedatives and and at least put him to sleep. There is no point in this movie where Henry wouldn't have

been better off sedated, right? There's the fact that she, I mean, spoilers later, she will sedate him, but the fact that it takes as long as it does in this movie for her to be like, you know what? This has gotten out of line. I think it's. Yeah. Yeah. She's got the demon doing like breathing exercises for a while and sure just mantras and

stuff. So okay. So then we, she takes him back home and puts wet rags on him because that's what you do. If someone's sick in a movie as you put wet rags on them. Yup. She's on the phone. She's going like, I need an America doctor, damn it.

These Spanish doctors are like, I don't know what the fuck to do here. Do you have a specialist in little boy demons? So meanwhile, so Amy, the rebellious daughter, she goes to get some ice and then the power goes out. Trust us, it's very scary. It's a very scary blown fuse. Okay. This is the demon just setting up the mood for what he's doing. I guess she goes downstairs to the creepy basement to turn the lights back on this fuse box is hilariously dangerous, right? It's basically just throwing sparks like a down to power line. She flips it

on. She looks around. She's like, this basement is scary. I'm leaving. I'm like, I feel like the fuse box is the scariest thing. Anyway, so, but upstairs Henry is being all demon. He's like, bring me the priest. And she's like, you know, I did meet a priest the other day. So she brings father Thomas to see him. Yeah. So father Thomas walks in and the demon kid gets mad and he's like wrong fucking priest and throws Thomas across the room into the wall. Yeah. And I was like, okay, this is going to be fun.

We're going to need a long line of wrong priests getting thrown into all of us by a demon. And I will be loving this movie. Right. Sadly, no. It's like, that's on you. Henry, you just said the, the breeze, you could have been more specific. You knew the guys.

Sorry, let me be worse. Let me get you a cell phone number. Yeah. So, so then we, we cut back to Russell Crowe meeting with the Pope. I had no idea, I know the movie is called the Pope's Exorcist. I did not realize this character was supposed to be the Pope until I checked it on IMTV. So, my bad. Oh, this was the Pope himself.

Yeah, this is John Paul II in 1987. Sure, yeah. I thought this was just like boss guy, like Cardinal or whatever. Well, he is because these the Pope sacks are suspicious. But yes, I guess we're supposed to know that he's the only one that would wear like the all white or whatever. Yeah, and I fucking love this scene because this is moment for moment, word for word, the like the

old cop and the chief having to like these streets aren't what they once were except except they're talking about their literal belief in a goat demon that got sent down from heaven and got it. Yeah, it's that, but flipped though. So like the streets aren't what they once were is flipped around. He's like, we're too good at exorcism. So we're not fine. You know, demons recently. That's why they're not because we've, and now people are doubting us about exorcisms. Yes, the argument from we've hunted the snipes to near

extinction. Yeah, exactly. So, so at one point, the Pope literally says, it's not a fairy tale. It's a 200 demons underground. And I was like, oh, underground. Oh, I was gonna say it. It's been a couple centuries since y'all stuck to the fucking underground theory. How deep underground? Right, right. Because I got bad news for you guys. We've gotten pretty fucking deep

So but the Pope is like so but I need you to go see this kid in Spain I'm pretty sure that's where the whole plot is right There was the Russell Crowe going to like a fancy Vatican library, and I was like, yeah, yeah good You better do some important research to learn the fucking science of Spanish demon boys. Perfect. Yeah. Get up. Reading. Well, the books are as comically oversized as his scooter is undersized. He's just stepped in these hilariously big books. But yeah, apparently the Abby that that castle, and that's actually a medieval Abby. And that's been a demon hotspot for quite a while now. Yeah, and just to be clear about the timeline,

this is all happening. It's like, I feel like a series of days or weeks maybe. So the demon kid was just being a crazy demon in this house with his family the whole time. I feel like the family would be kind of bored of him by now and just be like, yeah, got it. You're a demon. Okay. Yeah, it's driving them. All right. Let's see. I did the face scratching thing. I made the word hate to be around my skin. That's pretty cool. You did. You guys ever play pandemic? I feel like it's a fun cooperative. I mean, we talked about

screen time. That's good. That would be like a together game, but I don't know. Yeah, I got that like a fun together. I got like six days to kill until Russell Crowe. Yeah That's best but yeah, I'm thinking this might be for the best. This is a weird dynamic. We have in our family But okay, yeah, that's my pandemic strange. All right. Well, tell you we're half an hour in and the plot just got going So I think we're gonna call that an act break but we're back in a flash with even more of the popes Exorcist Hey podcast listener, do you love God awful movies? Were you open a grab some platinum night tickets for our live show in Detroit on July 22nd, but they sold out literally within two days

For our live show in Detroit on July 22, but they sold out literally within two days. No, no, no. Well, I have no fear because we just added a really of night tickets. That's right, all the fun and games of Platinum Night, but with 100% more Thursday. Ah, it's Thursday. Precisely. Plus, even if you just want regular seats, you should probably grab them now because they're literally one third gone. That's people fighting over tickets. So if you missed the boat head over to GodOffalMoviesLive.com and grab your tickets to our Detroit live show before they're gone.

That was Goneness. GodOffalMoviesLive.com, Tickets, or Rickets! So are you saying Tickets, or Rickets? Yeah, I ran out of stuff. Father Luzion, thank you so much for coming. Oh, of course. Okay, before you go in, I must warn you, this demon, he can smell your sins. Oh, he can, can he? Yes, and he will mock you most viciously for the sins. Got it. Well, no worries. I have a bit of a secret weapon. Oh, you do? Yep. Hey, no, sorry, I was parking. Wait, who's... who's that?

Hey, that doesn't... doesn't matter. Eli, you might head up into the bedroom. We've got a sin sniffer. Oh, another one. Okay, yeah, I'm on my way. Holy shit, what's wrong with this guy? Jesus, that's so much porn! This is so much porn!

And here it is! No way, man! I'm outta here! This is bullshit! And there he goes! Oh, you mean... the demon's gone? Yeah, pretty sure. Ugh. I'll sat in there, all good. Yeah, I know we could hear it from down here. I figured you could.

So, like, how much porn? A lot. A lot. Okay. And we're back for more of this shit. We're gonna rejoin the action with Russell Crowe Scooter and his ass to Spain, I guess. I laughed in the theater and I got in trouble here. It's so silly looking. Nothing can be scary when the main character is on a Vespa. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I laughed in the theater and I got in trouble here. It's so silly looking. Nothing could be scary when the main character is on a Vespa. I'm sorry. That's just not a thing. Yep. I wrote in my notes. They couldn't get a silly your car like a hot dog mobile.

Maybe a segue. So yeah, but but eventually he shows up. There's nobody out there to meet him at first. So he like washes his armpits great to keep that in the movie checks his kit make sure it's got all this stuff Gearing up like John Wick. Well, not yet. This is this is just like you know bust in the basement floor open We're gonna get the gearin up scene in a bit, but yeah John thick and then Thomas the the priest walks out and he's like Oh shit I know you you're famous

I had a postry you on my closet at fucking whatever Priest's school is called you the Michael Jordan of fucking yeah, right. Yeah, I remember when those demons were up 22 to nothing You just stop that plague of bugs. It was the miracle on Lice Yeah, nice, nice. And then Russell Crowe's the absolute worst. He's like, oh cool, your big fan. Did you read specifically my books?

And I'm gonna name them right now. The young guy Thomas is like, nah. No, we don't. We don't. Why are you gonna? What? I don't know.

You're gonna get dead. Read my fucking books. That comes back. No, so I actually wrote like like I feel your Russell Crowe. I feel you know, in my nest, but yeah, Russell Crowe's like, you want some flask booze? And he's like, no, man, I don't want your fucking gross ass flask booze. So Thomas brings him into me the family. And he's like, hey guys, we really locked out the Vatican Senegal who's really good at

a talent that doesn't actually exist. So this is going to be great, right? Yeah. And Russell Crowe's walking into the room like he's already started the audition. He's just like, has Dr. Science been helpful? No, a fucking course not. I will be doing my priest thing now. Let's do this.

Yeah, I wrote my notes, a very bad idea to leave your son alone with a priest. Well, right, yeah, because he's like, well, we're going to go ahead and cure the demon stuff in him. And mom's like, I don't really know about, that was, we're gonna do doctor stuff. Really don't feel like we exhausted enough doctor stuff to turn to, you know, witchcraft or whatever. And he's like, come on, like, at least let me spend some time

alone with your 12 year old son in his bedroom, right? Come on. Yeah. And mom says, worth a shot. And I wrote in my notes, literally no, not worth a shot. No, let's recalibrate the what's the worst that can happen metric that you're using. So he goes into see Henry.

Henry's sleeping. So he has to like, he has to pray him. Like he takes out his little fucking demon sigil that looks like he got it with cereal box tops, right? Yeah. He's like, hey, bud. fucking demon sigil that looks like he got it with cereal box tops, right? Yeah, he's like, hey bud. Yop. Yop. You're demon sleep. You having a little demon nappy. And at this point, I was very excited because either Russell Crowe beats up a kid or a kid beats up Russell Crowe. One of the other is about to happen in the movie, right? Yeah, for sure.

You would think. 100%. It's the eight-inch-old dilemma of which of those two things is going to happen in the movie, right? Yeah, for sure. You would think. 100% is the angel dilemma of which of those two things is going to happen. Also, this is where the voice actor who was doing the demon, like his voice started to hurt him, like he was doing fucking man skate man. So he decided to go with Cockney accent for the rest of the movie. So silly. He will spend the rest of the movie being like, oh, do you what priest? Hello, hello, hello, and everyone's just like, wow, that sure is scary and not one of the most comic accents of all time.

Are you a chimney sweep in hell? What's happening right now? We actually did quite a few chimney sweep should be surprised. So but then yeah, the team and goes like, your prayers are worthless here, Father. And I'm like, yeah, that's true everywhere though, team and come on. Like, yeah. And then he, he's checking, he's doing his like, you know, he's, his fucking replicate check, whatever.

And he pulls out the, the sigil, he moves it past the kid's eyes and the kid has like bonus irises. Yeah. And can I just say, I think that the swimming second irises is something that the mainstream doctor would have noticed. I was going to throw that out there. Oh, well, you didn't have the demon sigil to draw it out. Eli, you didn't need enough cereal.

Right. Russell Crowe. He ate enough cereal. So that, but the demon wants to possess father of Morth, right? That's what the demons after I wrote that my notes here. They act like it's a fucking reveal later on in the movie somehow. It seems like the demons would train each other to like not get caught and show the second pair of cat eyes when the sigil gets in front of

Yeah, right. You think so, but then Rosalind Grogo's what's your name, demon? And the demon goes, my name is blasphemy. And then you could tell the demon was like, well, that's that's kind of fucking dumb. Let me take it. Let me take another crack at it. My name is, you want you're going to try it again? Yeah, I'm going to. I'll give you another second. My name is night. Mayor. It's so sad. That's super stupid man. Did you plan that in here?

Sorry, you're the epitome of evil and you're going to have a 12 year old boy say your nightmare. Your name is night there. Even puts the long pause between nightmare like you was trying to come up with something cooler. Yeah. But yeah. And then as though the movie isn't already broken, he's like, you only do what you do because

God allows that. And the demons like, yeah, that's weird, right? Why wouldn't God stop it? And he's like, tell me about it. I was talking to my friend in front of a painting earlier in the movie. And I said, God's not God without free will. What the fuck does that mean? I have no idea.

We cut really quick before. It came out of my mouth. And now it's in the movie. Anybody could say that. without free will. What the fuck does that mean? I have no idea. We cut really quick before. It came out of my mouth and now it's in the movie. Anybody could say that. Yeah. So, and of course during their conversation, the demons like, oh, well, let me invoke a flashback of your deeply traumatic World War Two moments. So we get a little doodly too of that time that he was in World War Two and his whole kid squadron got killed and then he had to play dead. Right.

And later we're going to find out like he feels guilty or cowardly about that. But if he hadn't done that, they just wouldn't kill him. Right. Yeah. It's just good strategy. Also, this is an Italian guy. I thought they were doing like a flashback to his sins. And I was like, oh, Italian guy in World War II, okay.

Right. That's a fucking sin. Yeah. Yeah. No, but he's War II, okay. Right. That's a fucking sin. Yeah, price of good sins here, yeah. No, but he's on the resistance team, like a good team. Right. And then the demon, and again, like going back to my best worst, they are sure that this is fucking terrifying. The demon kid coughs up a bloody bird.

It's this, I laughed. I laughed and got in trouble again. And Peter, it's so silly. He's just like so silly It's like my cat trying to get a hair ball up. Yeah, right. Yes The hairball noise a little bit of feather left with the hairball noise. They left the hairball noise in It's at least as silly as you think that it is listener. Can I get a glass of milk? Just a little something do you think that it is listener? Can I get a glass of milk just a little something? So.

Yeah. So Russell Krok goes out. He's like, okay, we're going to have to strategize. This kid is all the way to bird hacking on his level of possession now. Yeah, he did a vomit bird at me and it really hurt my feelings. I was okay before then. Double Irish thing was pretty cool. He really fumbled the ball on his name there for a minute, but I think he came out on top with the bird vomit.

With the bird vomit. Yeah. He asked Thomas, my favorite character in the movie, because how wrong and stupid he is about everything. He's like, what do you know about demons? And Thomas is like, they're fallen angels. And he's like, yes, that's super stupid. Don't think about it. But then he explains that demons have a corporate structure. They talk about the demonic orga chart. Yes. Yes. Exactly. This gets the assistant to the regional L demon. Yeah. Exactly. Really wanted him to be like, Oh, do you mind if we jump on a zoom call with Satan and you? Yes. Um, well, okay, technically, I would need to get you and Karen from HR onto the call. Because I can't have to get away all the way.

I don't think we got the same. Just probably above my big. Can you just ball ball the right on my level? Like I have balls. I have both so full. I got in trouble for doing like an end run once. Yeah, I know. That's a whole thing.

It was on my yearly report. So. So. But then Russell Krogos had to give him out of the bad news. Henry is all demoned up, right? And he's like, now this is very important. You won't be able to save your kid unless you are Christian. So a little recruitment angle here, but still, you know, yeah, you got to be Christian.

Yeah. And this is where we explain that Henry was in the car crash that that killed his dad and Henry actually saw his dad get him paled. Cool. Hey, guys, just top of your heads, no wrong answers. What's the least empathetic thing a human being could say after learning to the child's father, right? Do you have any, do you have any ideas?

Maybe something along the lines of, ah, trauma like that is a great gateway for demons. Yep. Is there any chance you aren't Christian enough and deserve it? Yes. He was asking for it the movie. Yeah. No, see, see, watching your parents die, that's on you, that's how the demons get you. So any chance your mom's a fucking evil atheist because that could have caused all this terrible stuff

to dead death demons that's on her and you, I think. And that's exactly what happened to you. He's like, hey, mom, were you ever a Christian before you became an evil atheist? And she's like, yeah, as a kid, I guess, sort of. And the priest's advice is like, yeah, so be more like a child. Yeah, more of a question.

The problem is you thought about it too much. And you definitely think she's having a poetic moment there. He's like, trust me, a mother's love is just like God's love. And I wrote my notes. I mean, personally, my mom has never threatened to burn me to death and fire forever. She's got close. No, that's not fair. But.

So then, okay, so then we check it with Amy. She's being demonically knocked at right? So the demon is using the same method to lure her in that judge doom used against Roger fucking rabbit, but trust us, it's super super super scary. Let me let me get my demon checklist going here. All right, I'm gonna get a burden the throat of that up later. Super cool nicknames. Everyone will think you're super scary. And yeah, who framed Roger Rabbit reference? Here we go. All right, we're all set to be taken very seriously. Well, which he goes in, Henry has red demonized it. I'm like, just like Judge Doom. Guys,

if this turns out to be the Judge Doom origin story I'm fuck it. If Bob Hoskins had kicked over the door, this is my favorite. I would have I would have taken John Q level hostages to keep this movie in theaters. If this was a secret prequel, I mean this this movie takes place in 87 Roger Rabbit came out in 88. I don't like it. I feel like in in 87 Roger Rabbit came out in 88. I don't it like it. I feel like in the sequel, you could tie it all together. I don't know. All right. I will be looking for these connections for the rest of the podcast. So you guys handle the jokes. I'll be looking for the tune down references.

You're welcome, chef. Also, it's weird that all the demons slow roll their thing and like build moments. This demon's been like just slowly doing, you know, Roger Rabbit, shaving a haircut, knocking for weeks now, which is just obnoxious to the family at this point, not scary. They're just like, ah, fucking demon knocking. Great. We need to teach him a different tune. I want to move you where the demon just like goes straight to demon, just like go do, to go do your demon thing

Just do right away. Yes. Yeah, absolutely You don't pick up the bigger gun when the little or gun doesn't work. That's classic bad guy mistake right there Yeah, just start with the bazooka don't for example make a phone call right now. Yeah, break phone call We're like hey, this is this is your dead dad. I'm actually not dead. I'm actually doing fine. Psych. I'm a demon. Yeah, fuck you.

I'm gonna die. Okay, bye. Like a crank call. It's so stupid. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Crank calls. Right.

So the demon makes a crank call to the daughter. She runs into the room where mom and Russell Crowe are talking. And she's like, yeah, totally just got a phone call from the demon. So we definitely need an exorcist up in this house. And Russell Crowe's like, all I need is some coffee. I'll spend all night in a room with your son unsupervised trust me. Just you guys just go get some sleep.

It'll be fun. You guys go get some sleep. And no matter what do you are here, don't tell anybody. Oh Jesus Christ. So to be clear, there's like a demon in hell in like a call center being like, okay, so I press line and then I can, and then, yeah. And then I do the voice of the dad,

is that, to keep somebody running out. No, you have to write somebody right now. I'm getting an outside, because it's an outside line. Yeah, picturing an imp on the outside of the house, just hanging onto the phone, Jack. Hey, it's me, you did it. I look like a baby, it's right. Hey, it's me, you did it. I look like a candy spray. I'm just kidding. No, I'm just kidding.

Got him. It's fucking got him. So okay, so Russell Gross prayin' to psych himself up for the exorcist of some Thomas comes in and he's like, do you wanna info dump a little bit at me before we do this? And he's like, I would love actually to info dump it you for a little bit.

Let me explain how this works. We need to find out the demons name. Yeah, that's the most important thing because demons work on Rumpel Steltzgen rules. Rumpel Steltzgen rules exactly. Yeah. He tried to say he was nightmare and then he was like of East town. That's HBO stupid. We have to get the full thing. Right. But before they can go in and do this, Thomas has to be, he has to go in with like a clean slate or whatever in terms of sense, because the demon can smell out your sins. Right. So, so Thomas has to be absolved of all his sins for she's like, so let's do a quick confession. You just tell me all the sinful stuff. I'll forgive you. That's how our dumb ass religion works. Right. Right. But they accidentally do a rush job. Otherwise, there's no

stakes to the next scene. Yeah. He goes like, oh, sure, it's been eight months as my last confession and Russell Kruz, like, oh, fuck, we had to have time for eight months where the sense yada, yada, yada, yada, you're absolved. Yeah. Listen, don't say whatever the fuck you're about to say, we're just gonna absolve that shit. I don't want to know.

Absolutely not. Yeah. And what's so funny is like, look, this scene happens so that it can set up the next scene where the demons gonna reveal all their sins, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, but just don't have these, why would you have Russell Crowe run rough shot over the fucking Catholic religion so that later we can be like, oh, that's why the demon knew about their sins, because he skipped those confession parts.

Right. You would think if anyone's gonna take this shit seriously, it's the guy whose job is to exercise demons. And then to make it even funnier, he turns to Thomas, my favorite character in the world, and he says, hey, professional Catholic priest, what prayer do you know by heart? And he says, hey, oh, Mary, the prayer that I and Atheist podcasts, you know by heart and he says, Hey, Mary, the prayer that I and

atheist podcasts are no. All right. Yes. Yeah. He's like, is that really? That's the only one just to just the one. And he's like, yeah, he's like, so all right. So when we go in there, I just need you to say that over and over and over again.

I need you to pray relentlessly, just like coach Kennedy. Can you do that for me? And he's like surprisingly, no. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. But yeah, sure, you're not going to believe this, but I absolutely you do that for me?" And he's like, surprisingly, no. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, but yeah, sure. You're not going to believe this, but I absolutely cannot do that. You don't believe that you're going to fuck it up. We're not at any fucking point. Yeah. All right. So they head in for the exorcism proper.

This is great bit where he's setting up in the whole time. The demon is just talking shit to him. This is fun. So again, it's a little kid with a chimney sweep accent trying to be a demon. And they're like, Hey, Henry, fuck you. Okay. Just relax. Fuck your face. And like he just keeps interrupting everything I do for a while. It was pretty fun. Yeah. Yeah. At one point, the demon literally says, I'm gonna fuck you. I left super loud and my fear got mad at me. I did so good that this, I was like, I'm not gonna laugh, but then the, I'll fuck you so hard in the, I'll fuck you, I'll fuck you till you love me. Okay, that's a Mike Tyson thing, demon.

Come on. It is though. It's a weird juxtaposition to have the 12 year old boy saying that to the Catholic priest for a change, though, right? Like I feel like the movie should know better than do we evoke that but yes. Yeah, I literally did the like what do you expect of me gesture to the people who got mad at me in the theater? Because I was like, it's a little boy. Just shouted, I'm gonna fuck you in a cockney accent.

Russell Crowe dressed as the Michelin man for Halloween. I'm doing my best. Okay. Are you guys watching a different movie? What are you? Are you on the Vespa? Are you scared of getting fucked by a 12 year old boy? What? I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm.

So okay. So then they start doing the prayer, the exorcism. The power goes out. I'm like, so what? It's a fucking, this is a can delething anyway. Why the fuck would that matter? But this is just the demon taking over Russell Crowe's mind and making him see his mysterious suicidal girl back story that we don't know about yet, right?

Yeah, trust us very interesting, but then the power comes back on and the demon turns to Thomas and he's like, oh, you know what? You have way better sins panty sniffer This guy fucks chicks. This guy fucks chicks. Yes, that's what they're getting onto him for, yeah, for the consensual sex he had with a woman of age. And Tomas, had one fucking job to say the easiest to memorize prayer in the world immediately starts fist fighting this child. He craps about it. We should point out, he hasn't prayed at any point. He stood there completely silent and still, all the way up to this moment,

and then the priest is like, oh, you fucked a lady. Tom has fucked a lady. Tom has fucked a lady. And the, and Thomas jumps up and fucking grabs the kid with both hands by the throat. Yeah. So you want, you watch Russell Crowe,

give him the nod, be like, so remember, Hail Mary, you want to just go and do it. And Tomas is like, and it's all over this kid. Tomas is like, I know exactly what to do. Stone Cold Stunner on the child. What are you? Who gets a pussy now?

Motherfucker. I did it wrong. I did it wrong. I wasn't supposed to face the fight child. Hi, man. So yeah, so but Russell Crowe and Tom is like, okay, so that didn't go well. Round one to the team and we need to we need to back up and rethink this motherfucker. Can I talk to you out in the hall for a second?

Feel like our horrible sins from the past all I got. Did you hear when that was that? Like, could you guys hear what I was talking about? Or was it just, did I say sex? I just want to do a quick rap meeting in the hall. We're just gonna go, we're gonna go, and demons aren't real. We're gonna think of it, right? Quick performance review. I just wanted to do a quick performance review, Thomas.

My gun. All right, well, I'll tell you what, we were dangerously close to accidentally finishing the movie right there. So we're gonna give the movie a minute to figure out how to draw shit out a bit. But first, let me act the actor the hard sell. Will choking him for shit, talking you be the least abusive thing.

A Catholic priest doesn't a little boy's bedroom that entire year. How the fuck is this movie not acknowledging that? What hellscape have we wandered into here? By not the answers to different questions and more, we'll return for the increasingly funny attempts at scary that are the Pope's exorcist. And stay out! Okay, Thomas, let's do a quick review because that did not go great. No, Padre. No, no, no. So, you remember what I told you to do? Yeah, you said, say the Hail Mary. Say Hail Mary, that's a good, yes.

And what did you do? I strangled the boy. You strangled the boy, exactly. But Padre, he knew my sins. Mm-hmm, yeah, yeah. I remember, I told you that was gonna happen gonna happen so oh, that's right. You did Yep, pretty much the only thing I told you so we're gonna go back in and you this time you are gonna what? Say the Hail Mary say the Hail Mary and if the little boys has something mean to you, you will

It will still say the prayers, right? you, you will. It will still say the prayers, right? And if he keeps talking mean, you will at that point, I was strangled him in his throat. No, no, no, you know what? I'm not going to do this one solo. See, Padre, strangling good. Okay. And we're back for still more of this shit. And we're going to reopen on the Pope still study in a way like the, we keep cutting back to the Pope looking at books like I'm going to play a role in this movie too, right? Yeah. Like trying to be an action montage with fake magic reading. It's pretty funny.

Yeah. Right. Push it to the limit playing in Latin and the background. And then we, we cut back to Thomas trying to get over that one time when he got his dick wet. Right. He's confessing and you want to be sympathetic to him, but then he's like, yeah, I kept telling her I was going to leave the priesthood any minute because she was fucking hot, but I wasn't going to, I wasn't going to.

I wasn't going to, you know, I loved God too much. And Russell Crowe's like, doesn't seem like you loved God too much. Also, you snifter panties. I feel like the way you love the Crowe's wrong too, man. He called you a panty sniffer. That's how we open to this. I feel like they're still more. In fact, now that you mentioned that,

let's, I'm going to absolve you again, because that was ridiculous. Just to be clear though, that was everything now, right? We've heard all your sins, please. Thomas is like, yeah. And then, well, and then he's like, so, but what's your mysterious backstory on Rosicro's, like, dude, it's barely even act three at this. Why are you trying to talk about old shit with me, right? In the now, Thomas, moving on.

So, but he reminds us, Rosalto reminds us that the point here is that they've got to fight out the demons' name. That's super important. He also tells Thomas that prayers are more powerful in Latin. I'm like, I guess there's probably some solid evidence you've probably collected data on that, huh? Yeah, I'm just like a Calvin and Hobbs unit to this and as the factor of how well it goes. So okay, so but then Justin Russell crossed like, wait a minute, I saw something in the court

yard earlier when I was washing my armpits that may make for a dramatic reveal now. Okay, this was almost my best worst. This is so good. Oh, it's so funny. So he's so fucking funny. He was looking at a cross seal thing that was on top of the piece of metal that goes over a well, right? That's what that was. So like a manhole cover, but for a well, like kind of heavy. So he looks at that and he's like, oh, I got to check under this. And he uses his vest, but like a Jeep commercial

to like, up, change up the manhole cover. I left so hard. I got in trouble the worst. And it's just it's this tiny little scooter. So barely like it can barely do it. You know, he's just popping an inadvertent wheelie as he's trying to do it. Commercial ever. So good. Like a rock. Oh, no, it's not working. Hold it. Not strong. Not strong is I could use some more strong.

Actually, the Pete Seagrasson. I so wanted to grow from the ring to crawl out of it, but that. Oh, dammit. No, we got the two. Fuck. So, and then, okay, so then we cut to mom. She's a sleep upstairs and a disembodied dad armed snuggles her. But trust us, this is a very scary snuggling.

It's a very horrifying snuggle. He's got pretty big forearms people. This is pretty spooky. And I should point out that it's not just like an arm and we see like a severed end to it. We just can't see off screen to where he would be, right? Yeah, I was expecting any minute for to pick him or to pan over. It's just Russell Crowe. I was in a gladiator. Did you see me in a gladiator?

So, and then of course, Amy, she's hiding under her blankets from that very scary shave and a haircut prompt that's still that's still going, Thomas is watching over the kids. He's like watching the kids door or whenever. And he hears this help me sound coming from the kids room like, you know, like he's fucking stuck in a cobweb or something all shrunk down. And he goes in there to check. And he's like, I guess I should probably lean in super, super close to check out this sleeping kid. Uh huh. Thomas is the fucking best fuck yeah, Thomas fuck yeah. Okay, I placed my ear gently inside his mouth. So I can hear, oh my goodness, he abides me. So basically, what happens now just for for those of you who aren't sort of picturing or didn't watch

the movie, there's like a everyone getting their ass kicked montage while Russell Klo is just out there playing with the well with his best but yeah just digging out a bigger rut with his best. Yeah, exactly. Well, but then we cut back down to him. He's gotten the manhole cover off the well and there's a like a ring of skeletons inside of it. And then there's, you know, a well as well. So he's like, mm, I guess I should probably dump some fire down into this well in this, in this grouse that we already know how flammable gas deposits here and there.

Did I mention I'm twin brothers with one of the construction guys who was working here earlier? You know, I just as a matter. He told me he used a nuclear flashlight and went really well. So I'm gonna do that. Yeah. No, you know what I just matter. He told me he used a nuclear flashlight and went really well. So I'm going to do, I'm going to do that. Yeah.

No, you know what? I'm going to do a very large flare again. Same thing. Right. No, I'll dump some fire down here. Hopefully it'll be fine for the children that are inside. And sure enough, we get a huge explosion. Even if there wasn't gas down there, what would that possibly reveal?

You know, as that match was falling down into the well, I got a really clear look at it. Satan's just standing there like, I'm in a well, this I thought you see. The odds of starting a fire down there are so fucking high. Everything's got to be super dry. We're going to fight in a couple scenes. Is that Satan doing the word? I didn't want to lose my streak and you came a little bit earlier than I thought you were today. The New York Times actually changing over either there's a tool you can use to get back your old thing. If you go to the thing, set it up.

You got to be honest about it. Don't lie, don't change your set though. Don't lie, that's not a fair. So there's a big explosion. Russell Crowe runs in and he's got to save everybody one at a time. Yeah, right? So first he runs and he pulls mom's been sucked out into the bed night Marin Olm Street three style and He's got a yank mom out of out from the bed He's got to go in and pray the shit out of the demon for the sister, right?

Like the demons attacking the sister as well And then I get they have to kick in the door to to out. Pray the brother. He he he he he he he so funny. I don't mind us. This must be how Noah feels when he goes on vacation. Oh god. I left you all alone for five minutes. This is also by the way where the word Abbott to Bint appears in Eli's notes right here. I just that this is one of the greatest misspelling. He was going for everything he got. Abbot to Bint. Okay.

In my defense, I'm having to type on my phone and a theater. I don't have the typing acumen that you usually get to enjoy on my computer. No, that's a destroyer. It's the worst than normal. So okay. And then we come back to the pope. He's trying to read a book on this abbey, it's the worst than normal. So, okay, and then we cut back to the Pope. He's trying to read a book on this abbey, but everything has been crossed out. The whole book is redacted, right?

Okay, but like, no, it hasn't. They just put squiggles on it, man. Well, you can still read it. Yeah, exactly. The Mueller report, like literally another monk scribbled on those letters, but it's like it's written in illumination. It's literally illuminated. Yeah.

So, okay. So we cut back to Russell Crowe telling Tomas about the monster. Well, actually, he's going to be very round about, about explaining that he's found a monster well on the property filled with skeletons. Uh, do you mean when he does a think fast to Tomat with a human skull? Yes, that's the bit. But the most dangerous thing this movie does is imply to Eli that you can use human skulls as valid pranks.

Look, I mean, it was a good bit and I think we all agree that everyone would react to that super well. He just throws a skull out of me, goes, here, there you go. And of course, Thomas is like, uh, dude, where did you get a fucking human skull in the middle of the night? He's like, oh, I found a whole well full of them. Let's go check it out. Yeah. So they go out to the skeleton well. Apparently, this ring of skeletons is from the Spanish Inquisition. Nobody expected that. Hey, hey, hey. But he says at this point, he's like, the Spanish Inquisition, the darkest time in the Catholic Church's history.

And I'm like, I think you underestimate the evil of the Catholic Church, my friend. Not so much, buddy. Nice try. There's a lot of competition as all I'm saying. See, I wrote in my notes books, the Catholic Church's greatest enemy. Yeah. All right.

So they head down to the basement and they check out Henry's glory hole from earlier. Russell, of course, like, well, there's something interesting through here. I better just knock this wall down with a sludge hammer. I'm like, oh, please tell me it's load bearing. Oh, how funny. The demon just comes running downstairs. I'm sorry. I know I'm supposed to be the evil one, but dude, look, please tell me it's load bearing. Oh, how funny. The demons just comes running downstairs.

I'm sorry. I know I'm supposed to be the evil one, but dude, look, there's two there. Yeah, exactly. There's Biller there and the pillar there. You're a fucking idiot. Goddamn it. Oh, man, I'm going to do a quick fly to home depot. I got to do everything I'm now, too.

So, but sure enough, there's a Vatican seal beyond the wall and that's going to take them to some backstory. But sure enough, there's a Vatican seal beyond the wall and that's going to take them to some backstory. But yeah, so they break through the wall and they find it more skeletons. And I'm like, boo, boring. You already did skeletons, but these skeletons are surrounded by Spanish inquisition, torture stuff. Right.

And these skeletons are also fun fact and escape room. So that's fun. Yeah. So fun. That is fun. They're there. Yeah. So there's a, there's this locked fun. That is fun. They're in a room. So there's a, there's this locked door and Russell grows like, oh, big gate that says don't open. Definitely try to open that. He's like, no, no, he's like, yeah, you got

a check, though, because it could have just, that's funny. If they did they bluff it and you just can go right out. No. Okay. But it's worse because he goes, I know where the key is. It's inside this dead guy's stomach for no reason whatsoever. He might as well be like, no, I've seen the movie. It's in stomach. Yeah. Okay. I think I understand what they were claiming here.

Tell me if I have this right. This catacombe has a bunch of people who tried to get exercised, but the priests or whatever couldn't pull it off. So they still had demons. So they put the people with demons in them down there. And they also put a really famous exorcist priest hero who stayed inside a cage in the middle of that room,

not so much to put like as a guard, like it's like a shark cage. So he wasn't like caged in. He was keeping himself safe from all the demon people. And he also set up an escape room and swallowed the key. Honestly, I think that's pretty much exactly what they were going for. It was, it was a little weird, but yes. So yeah, and Russell, like, who, where would you have hidden your

key? Well, and I'm like, well, he's in a cage, right? So it's, it's going to be in the cage. And he's like, I bet it's in your stomach. And like, the dude's been dead for, because this is Spanish inquisitive, this is the beginning of the Spanish in position. So this guy's been a skeleton for 500 fucking years. There's no stomach. Well, and it would, it would be asked by now at least, right? Yeah, for sure. I was like, okay, it's going to be asked. And yeah, the movie pulled the key out of its ass here. And there were like a scapegoat. It sure does.

So yeah, so he gets the key. And oh, and then we have to, we cut over to the Pope. He's found a letter inside the redacted book about the movie's premise. And it's so overwhelmingly interesting, we don't know what it says, but it's so overwhelmingly interesting that he has a fucking plot attack.

They have to take him to the hospital, right? So we go back to the catacombs. They unlock the gate, right? They get out of the escape room. Meanwhile, mom wakes up and she and Amy's nowhere to be found, right? He, she hears some terrifying giggling. Trust us. It's very scary giggles. Very scary children to giggles. We promise. Yeah, so she goes check that out. I wrote in my notes. She lost another children to giggles. We promise. Yeah, so she goes to check that out. I wrote in my notes, she lost another kid to demons. Get a life alert, lady. Come on.

Bad parenting. And then we cut back to Russell Crowe and Thomas. And we have to put this line out. It's so fucking stupid. Thomas goes, it smells like sulfur. And Russell Crowe says we're getting closer to hell. Okay. So the place just to be clear, just clear, according to this movie, hell, the place is directly

under this building like this. Yeah. Just this one spot. It's about 11 feet down in Spain. So like if you want to put a water main through, you have to talk to hell about. You got to charge a head and a whole main loss regarding hell. Yeah. Right.

You have a, they have a 800 number. So and then we, we have the, the bishops from earlier, they're checking on the pope to see if he's okay after is whatever the fuck is supposed to have happened to him. And the skeptical pope that wanted to downsize the exercise in the department, he's there. And of course we have to see him like, you know, so he can get his, get what's coming to him. So the pope just projectile vomits blood all over him. And the movie never acknowledges it or never talks about it again. It's just like, we're just like, okay, I guess that'll be relevant.

No, no, no, no, doubters get blood puke. Whole people blood puke. That's what you deserve. I wanted a mouthful of doves to come out, like the birds from before. Oh, there you go. Yeah, cancel it out from the cardinal. So, okay. So meanwhile, back in the catacombs, Russell Crowe has found the remains of the greatest exorcist that ever lived. I don't really think they're measuring it when they say something like that. What statistic? He had 129,000 exorcists.

Yeah, 161. 161. Also, this is supposed to be this big revelation, and I want to spend nine hours talking about this big revelation that happens. But I do have to point out that the entire time this big revelation Where he's gonna read the exercise is journal is happening Thomas is playing with the iron maiden. Yes, he's just like Don't play with that Playing with the Dalai again. I see you looking at it. Take your hand off. Oh, it's so loud

But yeah, but luckily the greatest exercise ever died with his journal in his hands. And also luckily Russell Crowe turned right to the relevant page. Yeah. Right? That always happens and moves like in real life, you have to wait around for hours, like reading about like how his peas were doing that he planted this summer or whatever. But no, but he turns right to the relevant page that tells us the story. No, he just goes right to like the history and clicks on like we'll go back to that tab.

Yeah. Right on it. Okay. And we learn that this demon they're dealing with can do multiple demon possessions at once during, during finales, especially. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly. Can't do it in the first act or he saves it for finales.

Yeah. But, but what we learn is that what happened is this exorcist, he lost to the demon. He got all full up with demons. And the Spanish Inquisition was actually a demon's problem. Right. So this demon possessed the greatest exorcist that ever lived. And then once he was possessed with demons, he was like, hey, you know, it would be great would be the Spanish inquisition. So and it was his fault. So the movies argument here is that the Spanish inquisition was actually the devil's fault, not the churches. If you think of it, the movie actually says here, yeah, everything since 1475, that's the devil being evil in the world. That's

why the world is evil now ever since then. But you know, super good before that, the church was super good. We were crushed before 1400. Yeah, nothing was wrong. No, evil before that. Well, but like even if we accepted that ridiculous fucking premise, like, oh, the non-possessed people in the Vatican went along, right? They were the, they were pretty close. I'm telling you, this was a very persuasive demon to the lot of networking, lot of networking was great at bringing people together.

Ex-muse project manager, you know, he beat the greatest exorcist of all time. I mean, come on. Washer. According to this movie's fucking like world state that they have now built. The demon was like, all right, now for me to slowly work my way up the corporate structure of the cat church, right? As a demon, just like, oh, hello, nice to meet you. Oh, a dinner at your house. I would love that because I'm not a demon. Well, and then also like, like, if you know anything in all about the Spanish inquisition, like, that would mean that that same demon also would have had to put in force. All of these great societal movements and like global antisemitism.

And so you know what's the perfect crime? You know, it's the perfect crime, the Holocaust. Jesus. Hey, what's going on? I'm a local priest from a couple of countries away. I just wanted to make sure all you guys hated the Jews here. And yes, by bar, everyone here hated the Jews here and used to buy a bar. Everyone here hate the Jews.

Okay, good. I'm just gonna check them. I'm totally gonna be able to possess this story in 1987. Everything's coming up as Modi, yes. So. So then, so, so mom goes to check in on Henry and damn it if Amy isn't co-possessed at this point, right?

So we got that going on upstairs downstairs. Russell Crowe realizes that the demon is trying to raise, to bring together the army of all 200 demons that fell from having all of the fallen angels, right? It's like me adding extra pieces to the one to seven parts over on D and D. And it turns out there's 200 demons. Right. Right. Fucking one of them's dragon.

I don't know. So all the colors, something. Yeah. So we learn it's the dragon demon as modius here, the king of hell that they're dealing with. That's how they know that like, you know, you can go to multiple people and it's a big deal. At this moment, when that gets revealed, there's a guy,

there's like four people in the whole theater. One of them, one guy sitting to my right, was I'm pretty sure a serious Christian blogger, because he had a notebook. Oh, interesting. And he was like unironically reviewing this awesome Christian movie about exorcism. And when as Moodyus gets revealed, he started writing furiously and like saying things and stuff. And as Modeus. Well, so here's the dumbest fucking thing about this, right? Because they find the name in the in the journal. It's asmodeus. Now the whole fucking movie, they're like, oh, if only we knew this demon's name, we could, you know, we could do our number, whatever. But it's one of like

the seven demon names that I personally know, wouldn't thwart him or whatever, but it's one of the like the seven demon names that I personally know, wouldn't you just start with the list of the main demons and see which ones he wins that? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Yeah, this should take less time than fucking Thomas confessing his sins.

Yeah, we fill, we fill more people in that in a live show. Just fucking higher Tim Robertson to be like, all right, let's see. As Modeus, oh, wow, right at the top of the list. Yeah, it's always alphabetical. That's yeah, you can. It's always the last one you choose. So you're not the world fell out. Okay, you're as monious.

So then, okay, so then Thomas realizes that the demon's been after Russell Crowe this whole time and I'm like, how are we just, this isn't a reveal. They act like it's a fucking reveal. But apparently as monious this whole thing is taking over the chief exorcist, right? That's what he's after. Yeah, okay.

And this is where Thomas tries to like leave the movie, which I love. He's like, yeah, so hell dragon clearly wants you, man, because you're the best exorcist. I'm just, I guess, I don't know, take off and then you. No, I was like, no, no, you're already in the movie. No, man, I'm just a side guy. No, you're here for your comic shenanigans. Come on, Thomas. Later, I'm going to need you to lose a fight to a teenage girl, or get stay focused. So, but yeah, so like, this is where Russell grows like, oh, well, you know, I, I think I'm gonna need you to lose a fight to a teenage girl or geek stay focused

So but yeah, so like this is where Russell cross like oh, well, you know, I I think I'm gonna need to be super Absolved of my sins so let me hurriedly fill you in on all my mysterious backstory stuff Right, okay, so let me see there's the flashback as in the war I was sad I didn't die or something. I don't really know, but wait, wait, then you know that mysterious girl in all the things? Yeah, I was gonna exercise her, but she didn't Ozzy Osborne, what? And I was like, Yucco.

Bit the head off of a bird, it wasn't a pap, but she bit a bird, she ate birds, life birds. Bit a bird, yeah, and so I was like, Yuc, and I just left, not great on my part. And then she killed herself. Is there something in the Bible that I missed about eating and vomiting birds in like the book of Revelation or something?

No, no. And that's just their thing that they thought was cool. And then, ooh, but bats are birds, like I was the Osmo, maybe, ooh. Maybe that's what they're going for. Making the connections. This is good writing. So here's the terrifying backstory

that we're actually getting here. He was sent to exercise a demon from a girl, decided that no, she's actually just schizophrenic, left her in the hands of psychologists, and then she killed herself, which is how he knows to never leave people in the hands of psychologists anymore. So but then it's about we're gonna get

the classic arming obscene, right? The fucking action movie final act. He's putting on all of his exorcisms. She goes to the family and he's like, I need to bless you all with the armor of God. I'm not going to release it because it sounds a silly. Are you put you pulling out like soccer shin guards? What he got there? What is that? So it feels like if you had the armor of God blessing, you would have opened with that. Like just give everybody that to begin with.

It's not like you have fucking spell slots that you have to expend to do it. Right? Like roller blade wrist cards. So then Russell Crowe and Thomas go back in for one last exorcism. They're gonna bring the fucking mom and the daughter for some reason this time, right? Yeah. But we should point out by the way,

that Henry has tied up, I wanna point that out because that's a real thing they do in so-called exorcisms from time to time, which is incredibly fucked up. Yeah, great for the health, the mental health of someone who's going through psychosis by the way, being tied down. Oh, sure. Really, really improves the situation.

Let me tell you, Jesus Christ. So they start trying to do the exorcism of, and of course, the demon gets in his head right away. We see Rosario standing there eating, but she's eating a bird, like a cartoon character eating corn on the cob. She's right. All I can, it's me trying to podcast in the first year of this show. Just like, you guys doing an extra film. It's got beans in it. They say you're not supposed to put jeans in the

chili, but this by the way, this was the first time that I laughed out loud in the theater. So I think I won if that's the, you know definitely one. No, they got me with I'm gonna fuck you. That's not exactly, we got heat the first time the best, but they got me a minute three with Russell Crowe on a van. They're riding, exactly. Oh, and so then we get him

seeing the suicidal girl with the bird and then Thomas's girl shows up, but like naked. So this is where we get a quick moment of boobs in the movie. Yeah, boobs. But again, boobs aren't scary. I'm sorry. I was just gonna be a fucking horror movie. Yeah, there's just a hot chicks breasts in the movies like, huh? Pretty terrifying, right? And I'm like, no. I mean, maybe like,

you know, desiccated boobs like in the shining kind of boobs or something like that, but like, but her boobs are just lovely. They're just a lovely set of boobs. And so you're just like, all right, I'm not, what am I supposed to feel like right now? This is the opposite of a pop scare. What's the word for? What's the word for? I like this pleasantly.

And by the way, Thomas still not fucking praying. Still not, still not. He still just, now as I wrote that he actually did start praying and finally he starts praying. Yeah, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he,

he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, demon growling. That's the fight here. And Russell Crowe's like, do the thing. I fucking told you nine times we're doing it now. And they start chanting and Latin together. But Thomas is a little bit off. So Russell Crowe's like, get with me. Get with me on the snar. Father, two, your three father for one hour. When I started getting on one and three on one and three. That's not even one and three. I hate not I hate not I hate not he hate. So and then so they start chanting and the demons like fighting or whatever the

Henry opens his mouth to a goddamn beetle juicy and degree. It's and again, it's supposed to be scary, but it's just this hilariously like, well, that's not how mouths work. You see a pretty lady and your tongue and eyeballs are gonna fall out. Also, look, here's the thing about fucking, what are they called, exorcism movies? Here's the thing about exorcism movies. Jesus and his special friends are supposed to be more powerful than the demon. That never happens in this movie. They're like the power of Christy is like, fuck Jesus, magic powers, magic powers.

And they're like, right, the power of Christy is like kick you in the pulse. And they're like, oh the fucking power of Christy. Jesus. Why don't you evolve me, asshole? Do the power of Christy. That's a bad dammit. So then the demon takes over Amy as well, right?

Amy starts spider walking up the ceiling. Trust is very, very scary, not silly looking at all when she's spider walking. She's a street stolen from the ring. Does the ring walk thing? Does literally the ring walk thing? Well, and then they do the carving and the torso thing that they wish they ripped off from Nightmare on Elm Street 3.

So like everything that's interesting in this movie is derivative, yeah. They don't even do it right. They do the ringwalk and she's, that's by demons. So she walks up onto the ceiling and she's like, I ceiling walked. Yeah, rightly so.

That was not the best. I don't, I don't, I don't, I'm just trying to work down here on the floor, though, yeah. And then the demon remembers that he's got fucking force push, right? And he's like, Oh, you know what? Fuck, I can't throw you guys around the room. I could have just do it.

That's a whole fucking time. I'm gonna go ahead and use my voice push. Yeah. You know, I really swung and missed with the whole boobs thing. I thought you guys would be more upset about that. There are two, uh, celebrate guys. I'm just saying, we'll touch him in here. But I got it now.

Now we're doing force push. Yeah. So at least force push in Russell Crowe. He's hanging Thomas with like a curtain or something. And this time, fucking magic carpet from Aladdin attacks. Yeah. Exactly right.

He gets the shit beat out of him by Dr. Strangestrains. Just keep. And then Amy, as she's still possessed, She's tried to drown mom in the bathtub, which means they just had a full bathtub for, I don't know what the hell the reason for that would have been. Did somebody draw a bath in here? I thought we would just be fighting. Now we're all wet.

All right. Just picturing the demon in this little boy's body running a bath. Nope, to do. Oh, these things take forever to the house. It's always so funny because you're like, I want a bath. Nope, dude. These things take forever to do. This is so funny because you're like, I want a bath. This is like waiting for the conditioner to work. It's a weird. It's going to run out of water before I fill it.

That's the problem. Weird amount of time. I'm going to do the work. So and then and then Russell Crowe is like, demon, you can have me leave this family alone. You can possess me instead. And the demons like Really we're gonna because that's the exercise like so many exercises and Derivative and he's like no we really are gonna do that and then we cut to the Pope long enough for the Pope to scream Gabriel

Everyone around his bed is like hey check out all the ultra boys. Anyone named Gabriel just start giving him the cemetery fund, you know what I'm saying? No, yeah. When she says, so yeah, so, but Henry comes to, he's all unpossessed now. Russell Crote tells Thomas to get the family the fuck out of there so that he can like kill himself and completely rip off the end of the exercise, right?

All right, Russell, thank you so much for your work so far in the movie. It's been very scary, very dramatic. How do you plan to play the priest when he finally has been entered by the demon? Have you ever seen an overweight man really need to take his shit? I was doing that for the last 10 minutes of the movie. He damned here. Does the all of me, L a Steve Martin from all of me bit with the demon having one side

and him having the other. It's so fucking silly. This whole last scene of him like stumbling around half possessed by the demon but half nuts. As a fellow IBS survivor, I too know what it's like. To have as modious the king of hell inside you.

Really got to get on some highest guy. I mean, really helps it out. Let me tell you. I also write the middle of this fucking scene. We cut back to that doubtful priest that wanted to downsize the exorcism department, walking into some church in Italy somewhere, and the crucifix on the wall starts bleeding like crazy, right? Yeah. That's gonna be super important at the end. I have to point that out. So the demon was like in this fight and was like,

quick, quick time out. I'm gonna do a thing in a chapel far away. Yeah. I have to do a little blood ton. Okay, we're back. We're back. We're back. Or it's miraculous and Jesus was like,

fuck, Russell Coge has got entered by a demon and now he's walking like Eli after a meal of spicy chili. I should bleed in the van again. I should have a section bleed in the Vatican. So Thomas gets the family, he sends the family away, but he doesn't leave. He goes back in for some more demon fight. Rosalow crow tries to kill himself. The demon is like, no, like let's literally exactly the ending of every fucking I do. We can't do that. So he unkills game. I've got to be a little bit more focused on the game. I've got to be a little bit more focused on the game. I've got to be a little bit more focused on the game. I've got to be a little bit more focused on the game. I've got to be a little bit more focused on the game.

I've got to be a little bit more focused on the game. I've got to be a little bit more focused on the game. I've got to be a little bit more focused on the game. I've got to be a little bit more focused on the game. I've got to be a little bit more focused on the game. I've got to be a little bit more focused on the game. I've got to be a little bit more focused on the game. I've got to be a little bit more focused on the game. I've got to be a little bit more focused on the game. I've got to be a little bit better off dead or something. Yeah, but eventually he demons stumbles his way to the catacombs, which seems like the last place that you would want to go, but that's where he goes.

Thomas goes after him. Now he's about to make like a set of, I guess he's going to explode himself because there's gas deposits there or whatever, but just that, I don't know. I might be giving this movie too much credit. But just when he's about to do that, this white glowing apparition appears and it's the Virgin Mary. And I fucking go for it. And Virgin Mary. I thought she was going to win the movie right here. How? Okay, let's just say this right now. Let's see this with our hearts. Let's be as brave as we can and say that if the Virgin Mary had landed and then beaten the shit out of Russell Crowe,

that's ever gonna come through fight. I see who had it. Fund the sequel for this film. This the next film is funded by Eli Bosnitz. No, but it turns out that this is actually demon virgin Mary. She turns all demonic like a fucking punch line at the end. Okay, but that's nothing. It's just like a little trick for like you got him a little two seconds. You're not a no, just fucking grab that phone call though. Grab that phone right now. It's way more pranks than I expected from the right. The ultimate demon. Oh, look at that. Look at that. Russell Crowe that looks like someone dropped a dollar on the ground. Yeah.

Maybe when I get shit, wait, it's clocked. It's got to unload the, okay, now get the dog. So Thomas comes in though, right? So Russell Crowe's sitting on that weird little throne thing where the other exorcist was. He's all demoned up and that demon is like, Thomas, you're too late. And he's like, no, there's no time limit on this.

That's bullshit. I just have to pray in Latin at you, right? Yeah. And also in slam poetry, cadence. Yes. Yeah. That's the finale. The finale, instead of like normal fighting, maybe in an action finale is like Bible quotes in

that cadence of I am saying the Latin to you that I have not quite memorized yet. So, and then so and that makes Russell Crowe start floating around Magneto style with his arms out and everything. And you think it's over and the demons like not so fast. No, it doesn't get to pee just yet. And then the demon like manifests suicide girl and boob girl to fight them. The old it's time for them. The ultimate fight against two 20 something. It's free black.. I want to be clear They aren't we will what the ending of this movie is Russell Crowe thick boy that he is and to must just being like all right Motherfucker

But damn but damn but damn but damn but damn but damn but just uppercutting these teenage I Was howling with let I was like I'm gonna get thrown out of this theater and miss the last five I could I was crying with laughter at the when he he puts a crossup at one point at girl He fucked and she explodes into a big thing of blood I could not see the screen because I was laughing so hard So you remember the brawls in Roadhouse? It's like that except with like naked women instead of yes, swasey and Sam Elliott fighting other bar people. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, and Thomas takes care of his girl by exploding her with his cross and Russell cross like, Oh, well, I have a cross. That's a great idea. So he explodes suicide girl with his cross too. And his cross is so much bigger than Thomas. This very clearly Russell Crobion, like I get a much bigger one. Yes, that was in his contract. I'm gonna need a bigger, I'm gonna need a bigger cross. He like went to a prop guy and fucked with it

and was like, it's gotta be like 19 times too big and when the scene happens, other guys so mad. The guy playing Thomas is like, oh, all right, well, I have four outs. It's kind of a dick move. I'm helping, I don't know, other guy is so mad. The guy playing Thomas is like, oh, all right, well, I have thoughts. It's kind of a dick move. I'm helping, I don't know. I wanted to leave earlier. So, but then there's a great big hell explosion.

The demon gets sucked into this hell vortex thing. It looks like something from a PlayStation 2 game. It's just, it's fucking awful. Yeah. But that's it. They've defeated Osmodeus. They've won the day the family is safe. So we get a quick moment

of them like regrouping after the exorcism. Yeah, Russikovsky is like, all right, I have a clock somewhere, right? Yeah. Posted at its flask. They do a fucking lethal weapon clothes where they're like walking away from the exploding house. I don't know if I'm too old for this show, shit to moth. Yeah. I don't know if I'm too old. Right. Yeah, exactly. So, okay, we're almost done. I almost get to leave the theater in P, but first, Russell grow as to scooter his way back to the Vatican to see the Pope.

Now, keep in mind, when he gets to the Vatican, Thomas is going to be with him. Right. So either Thomas rode on the back of his scooter, dumb and dumb or style, and we just didn't see that part. Or Thomas is just like, yeah, man, I'm just gonna take a fucking train or something.

I just do a sane type of transport between Spain and Italy. In my head, it's a side car on the Vespa. Nice. Very cool. There's another side care on the other side that is just a dog with glasses. Yeah, fuck yeah. So yeah, so he goes in to see the Pope.

He's like, he brings Thomas. He's like, see, here, Thomas, this is my buddy, the Pope. No big deal. There's a man in the Pope hanging out. By the way, in case anyone's wondering because I did actually Google it, it's 19 hours and 50 minutes of driving

to get from Spain to Vatican City. Oh, you can do that. You can do that pretty well. On your vest butt. So the Pope is like, hey, guys, great job kicking Satan's ass. Yeah, he got, he asked him, how did it go? And he says, not so bad. And I wrote my notes.

It absolutely was bad, my guy. There were multiple explosions. People got their ears bitten off. It's like 12 year old city was going to fuck you. I feel like you're really under selling this man. Well, and then and Russell cross like, yeah, I sure hope that they don't still tear It's like a 12 year old city was gonna fuck you. I really understand. A lot of that. Well, and then and Russell, I was like, yeah, I sure hope that they don't still tear down the teen center. And the Pope is like, oh, you didn't hear the doubting priest that wanted to downsize

your department, saw a bloody fucking crucifix in a random scene, lost his goddamn mind. And we had to like take him off of that position. But don't worry, Bishop Lamumba, who we've already established as your friend is going to take over. So it looks like we're going to still have an exorcism department after all. It's so fucked up. This is based on a true story. There's probably a guy who was in the Vatican throughout this being like, we can't have an exorcism department that's insane. We're already insane. This is wrong. And they fired that guy to make this thing keep happening.

Yeah. So, and then we have one final scene. I love this and it's worth sticking around for this last scene, right? Fuck yeah. This is LaMamba showing Russell Crowe and Thomas that they've created sort of a, like I don't know, a demon command center.

Shield. We've created shields. Yes, demon shields.'t know, a demon command center. Shield. We've created. Yes, it is. Yes, it is. No, seriously, like a crime lab, like NORAD for demon appearances. It sits for the other 190, 90, 90, and Russell Crowe and Tomas look at each other like, there's going to be a sequel. Yeah.

And I wrote, I wrote my notes. Look, this is the worst podcast ever is to template ever seen. Yeah. No, the limamba is like, well, if you think about it, this could be a whole cinematic franchise. And Russell Crowe's like, yeah, I mean, not with me, but with you in this asshole that plays Thomas, sure. Yeah. No, I get it. I know. No, I'm eventually going to drop this weight and I'll get to be in regular movies again. I appreciate the offer though, guys. Maybe you can get like a TV show on NBC like agents of yields. Agents of yield. What? Thank you. So and then so Thomas says, let's go to work and then Russell Crowe says, let's go to hell. And we all wrote in our notes, what?

So good. Fuck yeah. They didn't go to hell in the moot, right? Like they know what he's even talking about. Yeah. Were they going to dig 11 feet down and just like walk? Well, like what? No, Vespa.

No, that's cool. It's going to be a school show. So yeah, but then and we get an actual breakfast club close father of more thine in 2016. So he can, he can't like say we're lying about any other shit that we say about him. Yeah. Yeah. They also, they also mentioned that father of moreth wrote a bunch of books and the books are fucking good assholes.

Yeah. Why did you read them? And while that doesn't for our review of the Pope's Exorcist, that's what I can do for the episode just yet, because we still need to close on a high note. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well, Noah, while the movie theater has provided us plenty of crazy, it doesn't hold a candle to the crazy

that awaits us on YouTube. So we'll be attacking spirit science channels, the NabiRoo movie. Oh, good. Attacling sounds, I like, I know that that's, that was a misstatement, but that sounds about right. I think we're gonna keep that. So with that to look forward to,

we're gonna bring up episode 401 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation to patreon.com slash god off and thereby earn an access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five star review and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms.

And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating aides, citation aided D&D minus and the scapocrat. A little wherever podcast lip. If you have questions, comments, or suggestions, you can get mugged god off and movies at gmail.com. Tim Robertson takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written in the form of our Ryan Slotting and the Madeline. We'll dress on Mars. All the other music was written in the form of our audio engineer Morgan Kirkland was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen, Wright, Neil

Abbas, and I'm Noluzon's Promise to Work Hard to earn on the chunk next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. I once threw a toy to Russell Crowe in real life at F.A.O. Schwartz Toy Store, and he just grabbed it through it back and walked away without saying a word. Because he's an asshole. One out of every three characters in this movie would go under rape and children, and the

other two would actively cover it up. You guys sure you don't want another Pope's Exorcist movie? Russell has next summer. Wide open. Got it? Okay. Russell has next summer, wide open, got it? Okay. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUT OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUT OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING Tickets or crickets would have worked though. And I like, I know the joke doesn't work if the thing works, but tickets or crickets is pretty.

Sure, now you tell me. Yep. Right. Lick it or ticket, rickets. The preceding podcast was production of Puzzle and a thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2023, all rights reserved.