God Awful Movies - 405: Fast X

Episode Date: May 23, 2023

We're joined by all-star guest masochists Rachel and Moishe for a review of Fast X. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

This movie was written through a pitch session for other movies. Vin Diesel was in the room pretending to be a chair. Everyone was like, that being big chair looks totally normal for a being big chair. They were pitching other movies. They were like, here's a buddy comedy movie. Here's a rolled movie between a father and son. Here's a prison break movie. And at the end of it

Vin Diesel stood up and he was like you'll hire That's the only way that I can that's I heard I can't agree to this okay God awful movie Movie, movie, movie. Movie, movie, movie. Movie, movie, movie. Welcome back to God Off The Movies. We're each week. We got another terrible movie so you don't have to. Except for those times when we find a cinematic masterpiece.

I'm your host Ethan Wright and I'm joined by a member of my family. Eli Bosnick. Eli family. Heath family family family And we also have two other members of the Gamma Lee. I'm really happy about that. We're calling it the Gamma Lee back by very popular demand. We have two veteran massacists, Rachel and Moishi, our train, Modog. Welcome back. Thank you for having us. Gamiya. Yeah. I'm having a terrible time. So podcast listener, you're going to be like, how does this podcast go off the reins so quickly? We were like, Oh, you know what we'll do? We'll rent a studio and put Rachel, Moishi and Eli in it together for ease of use. It has been 21 minutes of

trying to set up and use home microphones. So buckle in everybody. So that's all happening. I'm watching it on video. It's terrifying. It's terrifying. Moishi cannot stop texting. He thinks he's fooling me. He's fine. No know. Yes, you're obviously texting and then switching back. You don't need to type new things into your notes now, right? You would just read them. What are you taking? Taking new notes on the movie you didn't see. I was texting you asked.

He's not watching. He's not watching. Oh, right. He was high. He was high. I believe we all watched it. Rachel, tell us what we watched. What are we going to be breaking down today?

We watched FastX. It's the story of a rag tag group of actors who have never spoken the English language and are doing the same movie for the 10th time, 11th time. Yeah, plus a little bit if you count Hobbs and try, yeah. Sure, yeah. And Moishi, how bad was this movie?

This movie, I didn't write something for this. I was really high and I saw it at 1030 last night. It just fucking came out. It was so bad. It was so bad that I wish I wish they'd stay dead. They're immortal. I understand that. And I wish they weren't. We learned in the last one. They're actually immortal. They cannot die. Can't die. Well, I, I love this movie. I love all these movies. Eli, how amazing was this movie? Well, if you like the Fast and the Furious movies, but you wish the movies included more pop quizzes about previous cast members, you will love this. This entire movie is indescifriably self-referential. We have seen all these

movies and multiple times all of our notes are, I don't know who that is. They're from seven movies ago. This is reading a program's code starting a hundred lines in the movie. Yeah. I thought Jason Momoa was going to be Vin Diesel's brother for three quarters of the movie before I remembered that was John Cena. Right. That was John Cena. Yeah. Yeah. I, I, well, I got that now. I like that they just complete. We'll talk about it when we get to the review. I like that they completely revamped John Cena's character from the last movie. Yeah. From bad guy and infamous like international villain to like John Cena. you know, John Cena, the wrestler

turned comedic actor. He's here now. Jonathan Cena. Yeah. And is there anything you'd like to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? My best worst is very clear, Vin Diesel voiceovers. Yeah.

There's a lot of times where his voice seems a little disconnected. And I realize I forgot he can't speak English. So they probably just had to cut in voice overs at a bunch of parts in the movie. And they did a really bad job of that. They must have found like monk throat singing to synchronize. Yes.

He has gone from Christopher Nolan Batman voice to like some kind of summoning of Cthulhu. Yeah. It's got it. It's got it. He's like, he's like, all the ways to best slow now. I feel like. Yeah, it's slowed down.

It's sad. It's really, you know, like the first time grandma doesn't quite recognize you. Yup. That's where he is. Vince acting has gotten. Yes. All right. I was going to go with a couple of best, bests because I love this.

First of all, best best, Jason, Mamoah wardrobe. Oh my God. Yeah. Yes. Change is into something new and amazing. Every single new scene and it's fantastic. I want all of it. He looks beautiful and he steals the movie. He's perfect. 100%. Absolutely. That's what Jason Mamoah, the movie. Yeah.

But let's just clarify and we'll talk about it obviously. By the end of this movie, you are actively rooting for Jason Momoa to kill Vin Diesel and all of his friends. Yes. So a lot of people who listen to the podcast may not know that our dear friend Rachel here is a former professional fashion designer. So I made a list of all of Jason Momoa's outfits in the movie.

And as we go through this with like Rachel to hot or not it. Ooh, I love that. Yeah, I made an index. This is why I didn't have a best worst credit. I was making a, making a Momoa fan. AGG is a powerful drug. My guy is more powerful than the drug. The end of the line took while watching the movie.

They'll do it. Fun behind the scenes fact about Jason Momoa's outfits. So you notice that they all run along like a similar cut. Yeah. And that is because he saw a woman the day he did this like screen reading for this movie wearing a similar outfit. And they were like, well, obviously, we'd like to offer you the part.

And he was like, only if you make me a men's version of this suit. And they were like, well, obviously, we'd like to offer you the part. And he was like, only if you make me a men's version of this suit. And they were like, fucking what? And he was like, I want to wear a men's version of this particular suit in every scene in different colors. Can I be honest? Good for him. Good for it, right? Perfect.

And he pulled it off. It made the character fun. That was a choice. I loved it. Yeah. It's the highest grossing film series in the world right now. There's no thing he could have said that they would have been like, yeah, man, this movie's gonna make a billion dollars. Doesn't matter.

Yeah. Yeah. Whatever you want. You want us to go hunt that woman down and kill her so you're the only one in that outfit. We'll buy all of them and burn everyone but yours. I'm gonna add one more by the way. Ooh. Best best. This is a Christian fucking movie.

Christian. Oh my god. Oh my god. Like all the way. This is full of Christianity. Have they always been this Christian? No. No, they've been building to it.

Okay. No, they feature this cross throughout. This is, I think this is the most Christian movie we've ever done. Absolutely. Several times, characters will be like, wait a second. Everyone stop talking faith. And then they all just stare at it. Jesus Christ.

Yeah. What's great is, this is such a popular franchise that they couldn't afford to be remotely denominational. So they just all stare at that cross and they're like, so we all agree with this means to us, right? But we're not gonna say it out loud. We don't wanna lose any tiny segment of this market. So we're all just gonna agree, Jesus.

This guy. Yeah. All right, and I'm gonna take the easy one. I'm gonna go with best worst reasons for fighting. Were there any? By my count, there are four separate times in this movie. When characters go, would you like to have a fist fight right now? I think it would be good for the movie. And the other character goes, yeah, no, we can have a fist fight at this point.

I've got one. I would like to nominate this film for absolute best worst henchman, because as I look back on the movie, I realize that you can tell quite literally instantaneously in this film whether someone's going to be good at fighting or not based on whether they have a mask on. Yep. And if they have a mask on, I cannot stress this enough. They turn into a fucking putty patrol from Power Rangers. No. They like, they just, they just sort of flail their arms at Michelle Rodriguez. She just body slams seven dudes in a row. Yep. To their death. The fighting is crazy in this. If you have a command to mask your Acupotrupa in the scenario, the variety of fight choreography,

right? Because for some reason, everyone gets a fight in this movie. Yeah, there was sexy fighting. There was sloppy fighting. There was sloppy fighting. There was dance fighting. There was Vin Diesel gently hugged three stuntmen and they sped it up at one point, at one point, one of the like CIA guys who's like all clad in body armor. So you know he's not going to be able to fight well. Grab's Michelle Rodriguez and she just bites his arm. Yeah.

Four layers of Kevlar. And he died. I saw that too. He's just like, Oh, you got me, my arm injury. To be fair, Flaz off the road. Michelle Rodriguez does have rabies.

To the silent killer. Okay. Is it a silent killer? Oh, yeah. It's pretty loud. There's the foaming and hissing and anyway, not the way I do it. That's canon now about the leddie character. I'd like to nominate for one more. Can I nominate for one more? Can we move on? We have done such a good one. Jason.

All right. Fine. But if it's bad, I'm done. I'm telling one of your secrets on air. Oh, all right. Do it anyways. Jason, what did you say? Yeah. Jason had to get out of a car the other day because he had to shit so bad. That's going to be a fast, furious. I would die from it. You were about to be over with Rachel because I had to take a shit. He did. This is true. He didn't even get a chance to tell the joke.

It's your Uber rating, Jason. We don't have to talk about this. He would move us, please. All right, ready. Best worst Punnett square because not one person in Vin Diesel's family in this movie is the same goddamn ethnicity. That is great. To be clear. Yes, this is a great point. Punnett square like Gregor Mendel is not Gregor Mendel reference. Isn't it? No, isn't that what it's called the tonight's thing of Pun upon a square. It looks like MC Escher drew the punnet square for this family tree. Like his fucking.

Because the family tree is their mother is Rita Moreno. Rita Moreno. That's the story. Vin Diesel is in the middle. John Cena is a white brother. John Cena is on one side. And his son is black. And his son is an African American.

Also his son's mother I, is like a blonde. She's white passing Brazilian. She's white passing. And so together they had Shirley's the room. All right. Well, I think we're going to need a minute to like put that planet square all together in our heads. And then we'll be back to tell you all about fast 10.

All right everybody, it's time to read 10 fast-fuse movies. So like, what do you guys think, what are we doing? I mean, we've made 10 movies. 11, if you count Hobbs and Shaw. Yeah, we're kind of out of plots. Out of plots. That's not possible. We're about like a bank robbery.

Five jailbreak. Oh six. All right. Fucking out of space. That was the last one, Finn. We made that like two years ago. Even brother. Would you even brother? Also the last one. Come on. All right. Uh, we're bad're bad guys from the old movies had a brother? Yep. We did that too. Had a mother did it? Son. Uh, no, no, we have not done the son of a previous bad guy yet. No, nice. All right. So what is he do? Like goes after the family, right? Yeah. That's literally the plot of the last six movies. You know, oh, I did what, but I'm just saying, but at this point, we have enough characters that if John just walked into a room and said like, oh, very basic hello to everyone. I mean, that could be two hours.

Very basic hello to everyone. I mean that could be two hours. Oh, you want to make a movie about some bad guy? What all we do is Introduce characters purely yes Can we pretend pause live? Churvin we can pretend pause alive. He's my best friend. Yeah, man. We know family This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hi, I'm Rachel Wax.

And I'm Moishi. And I'm Eli Bosnick. You know, as people born Jewish, Rachel Moishi and myself were assigned therapists at birth in a secret midnight ceremony. But if you weren't born Jewish, you might be struggling to find a therapist. And that's why there's better help online therapy. Better Help is entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists at any time for no additional charge.

Find more balance with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash awful today to get 10% off your first month? That's better help h-e-l-p.com slash awful. Okay. Do you guys actually get therapists in a secret the night ceremony? Yeah, that's totally. I knew it. And we're back. And we're going to start with a production logo for their company called one race, which

is really not a good start. Yeah. And we're going to get the gist here, which is that Aquaman's dad, I will never call Jason Mamoa anything, but Aquaman throughout my notes. Okay. Sure. So Jason Mamoa's dad is the bad guy from movie five, Reyes. Yes.

And we are now inserting Jason Mamoaah into the fast and the various timeline starting at movie five. So I would like to admit something here. Every time I watch one of these movies, I forget about it the next day because otherwise I'd have to end my life. Sure. And so when they started playing the scene from season from from movie five, I didn't know that it was from movie five. Oh, go remember. So I just saw Jason Mamoah and I was just like, okay, I guess, I didn't know that it was from movie five. Oh, go remember. So I just saw Jason Mamo and I was just like, okay, I guess, I don't know. I guess they're just opening the movie with a bank heist like, yeah, I just had a job. I didn't have a goddamn clue who any single person in that scene was. Not a, not for a million dollars.

For all the money in that vault, I couldn't have told you what was happening. Yeah. So what I love about the implication of this though, is that it means that every single random car crash and explosion from all 10 of the movies, right? Every random person who is in any of those cars could come back as an a list after waiting to be a sequel or a sequel. Yes, thank you. Every random thug, every driver, every passenger. Yep. And as we'll learn later in the movie, every random extra from previous movies could also be a character. Right. Yes.

deeply about absolutely. Okay. So the general idea though is that evil go T. J. S. Mamoah is the son of Reyes. We're watching number five. He was there apparently, like just out of the frame for that whole movie. Yes. He was there apparently like just out of the frame for that old movie. Yes, he was just on to the side. Number five was a little too fast for him. Fine. He's in this one and he's being told by dad, like you have to go get Vin Diesel in his crew. Now that's the plot of this one. Yes. I got to say Jason Mimoa from the start. He looks fucking amazing. Thank you. You brought me exactly to my, he looks like a pirate sex worker in this one.

Yeah. You brought me exactly to my point, which is that he is dressed like I have a sugar plantation themed stripper for the magazine. Yeah. Moishi, do you have what outfit exactly he's wearing? Oh, in the first scene. Yes. I don't think in the first scene, because I think I started it quite literally in his next

scene. The first one I've got is Burning Man Assassin, which I believe I love. He shows up in the, that's when he shows up in the lair. Yeah. That was good. That was a win. The idea didn't occur to me yet to keep track of the outfits at this point. I didn't know how great they'd be.

Understandably. Absolutely. So back in the present, we watched, we watched Fast and the Furious 5 because it's been five movies. Why not reuse that? So now we're back in the present and we're watching a car due donuts in a parking lot. We think that might be Vin Diesel's car, but then we zoom in. What? It's his son.

So Vin Diesel is teaching his 11 year old kid Max. Not he is 11 because they said it later. He's about to turn 12. Yeah. Oh, I thought Eli was like, he reminds me of my dad. I thought he was telling racial refer to him as Max. We refer to him by my son's name. So he's teaching his son not how to drive safely, not how to use a turn signal, not how to

parallel park. He's teaching his 11 year old son had a drive like a psychopath on the run. Right. Like the way you do before you die in a hail of gunfire from police officers, that's what they're practicing. But they end the little driving lesson and the kids disappointed because he didn't. Don't I? Correctly. I have no idea.

Okay. Somehow he jumped without a ramp. It was impressive. He was doing like non-uclidean shit in this scene. That was fun. So that's that scene. And it's been five minutes and a fast and the furious movie, which means it's time for a barbecue. It's time for family.

Yeah. Family, exactly. So I'd like to introduce what my experience was. I had decided, so I brought an edible to this movie and I decided I was going to take a nibble of it every time they said the word family. Oh, no. That edible was the last drug. That edible was gone by the end of the barbecue. So I'm quite literally the fourth family. When we do fast 11, that is the game. Oh, no, we'll kill the hospital. Yeah. So Rachel will go back in time somehow and be a great grandmother. Absolutely. So this movie

tried to go really hard on the emotional stuff right off the bat. Like they were really trying to dig in. The problem is that these actors have now done the same movie 11 times. So they can't muster up a tear, a smile, nothing. They were literally just like, you are my greatest, my love. Oh, yeah. Okay. Those are all like 58 now. So they're living on fucking nitrous and Botox. That's what I'm talking about.

That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about. Rita Moreno stands up to give this like, I can't believe we've made it all these years together speech, but it really feels like it's about, I can't believe how many of these fucking young men. She's like, you're almost 50. I'm like a hundred. She's like 180. She's talking about Natalie Wood from her 1961 movie they did together. Christopher Reeves killed Natalie Wood on a boat. one movie they did together. There's the Vareeves killed Natalie Wood on a boat. Walk in, not Reeves. Vin Diesel is 55.

Also, she is wearing, I'm going to say conservatively, 50 gold Christian crosses on her body. At least. Like a belt buckle that's a gold cross, it's crazy. You ever look under a microscope and you see a creature that's capable of dividing asexually, and then it does one little bud comes off. That's what it feels like happened with Rita Moreno and Vin Diesel. His one cross was actually a bird that grew into a Vin Diesel. And the Charizard version of him will have several hundred crosses like Rita Moreno.

They also, in order to tug at our heartstrings, they showed all these like little cute little photos pasted on the wall of from past movies. From past movies. And a lot of them are like a candidate of Vin Diesel and Paul Walker laughing together in a car while driving. And I'm sitting here like, who is taking these photos? Who is their Instagram husband? That problem gets significantly worse later in the film. But what I, what I feel is there, Josh J. What I'm sure is a selfie stick scenario where they're just having fun. So what I found more perplexing about this is that they treat Paul Walker, Paul Walker's character

so much in this movie like he's dead that I forgot he's not dead in the movie. Right? Because like this entire scene, like, right? Oh my God, he's not. No, he's dead, that I forgot he's not dead in the movie, right? Because like this entire scene, he's not. He's on a beach. He's supposed to be in the movie. Belize or something. Yeah. And so from everybody else's perspective, Vin Diesel is just way too fucking like mournful and attached to his friend who moved. Who is fine. Who is who is. We see all the time. Like, there's two scenes in the movie where he's like, I just checked on Brian and Mima. Devin. He's not dead.

There's a scene in the garage, right? Where Vince got a fuck, Dom's got like a fucking vision board of just like photos of Paul Walker. And he just like gently touches one of them. And if that's why I thought maybe he died. But if I'm anybody else in the movie, if I'm any of the other characters, I think him and Dom were fucking right? Like, no, because it's they might have been we don't know that Jason. You know what?

That's fair. They're slut shaming. Dom's just like, bring Hello Paul Walker. Okay. Bye. Cool. Yeah. He answered the phone because I how not dead he is.

And then the only other thing we learned from this scene is that role man, he's the comic relief who has Tyrie's. A total class clown. Who has really lost a sense of humor for this one, but don't worry. Sure. The movie won't acknowledge it. It's like, okay, the only way I could say it is like, you ever watch a couple get into a big messy fight and then everyone decides to go to the movie anyway. That's how

Tyree Skibson's character is in this film is like he the first day he was like, I'm not the fucking comic relief anymore. And everyone was like, okay, we'll just read the script in pretend he's it's normal. We'll just do it normal. But anyways, Roman, yeah, that character, he's going to be in charge of the big thing they have coming up in Rome. So that's that he's in charge. And so that night, Dom is giving his son a little pep talk about how someday he'll be just as Vin Diesel. And he is. He is. He is. He is. We made you like an amoeba. It's so cool how we could do this.

And this is where him and letty Michelle Rodriguez have, I guess approaching a sex scene, I feel like this is what I feel in my heart. I don't think he makes seem and anymore. This is my thought is that they is the penis. They choreographed a sex scene. And then Michelle Rodriguez was like his body no longer resembles a human enough that we can simulate sex. And then diesel was like, so you pull Walker. And so what happens is they smooch.

And then he's like, are you pregnant, which absolutely makes it seem like Vin Diesel thinks you can get pregnant from kissing. And she's like, no, man, I'm not pregnant. And he's like, what was the purpose of this scene? And she's like, I don't, I'm not pregnant. And he's like, well, then what was the purpose of this scene? And she's like, I don't know. And then the scene is over. So there was one sentence in this scene that I wrote down because I'm pretty sure Jett, chat GPT wrote it.

Mm-hmm. Ben says, Ben is worried about something. Go fuck yourself. And Michelle Rodriguez says, if you keep your eyes on the rear view, you miss eternity in this moment. And then they both look at a cross. Yep. They both look at a cross.

They look at a cross for a second. And I yelled out chat GPT. Yes. Yeah. But the movies is bored as we are. So it's time for the plot to literally arrive at their home. Charlize Theron is here. She's covered in blood.

I assume from killing her dad. She didn'teron is here. She's covered in blood. I assume from killing her dad. She didn't kill her dad. She murdered that. She more than her father, Google it. Yeah. Google it. Why? To me, this was already too many characters. Yes. I'm already like, what is she doing back here? And she comes back and she's somehow, she's still a bad guy, but she's not really a bad guy, but she's also against the other bad guy. I don't know who's a bad guy anymore. I need a flow chart. Absolutely. Let's be clear for those who haven't been following the fast verse with the sexual furiousness that we hear on the God of the movies podcast have been watched all 11 movies this week. So yes, this is right, right? W R I K E. She's a hacker and one movie ago, cipher. I thought, oh, her

is hacker. Yes, cipher. Yes, cipher. And one movie ago, she shot Vin Diesel's wife, the mother of his child in the head, in the head to death. Elena. Yes. So not his wife. Not. No, his girlfriend. Oh, that's right. Because Michelle. Is it at the kids mom? No, Elena was the cop who helped in Brazil in number five. Isn't that the kids mom that he? Yeah. Isn't that the baby mama? Yes. It's the baby mama. Oh, Charlize thrown killed her. Charlize threw on killed her one movie ago. It was just in the last one or like, no, in the last one. Huh, which means that she is now showing up. She is now showing up at their house. I'm going to say six months later. Yeah. To be like, hey, Jason Mamoah just beat me up. Are we friends now? And their answer is yes. And

they are friends, I think. Yes. I love that she's like, I met the devil tonight. And then he's just the most flamboyant fucking. Yeah. And then it's Jason Mamoah in a, in a, in a scrunchy at one point, looking like a psychic pilgrim coming into her henchman layer and taking the eye of God thing. Yes. The eye of God is the device that's like the agency is this international thing. They're kind of like shield in Marvel, right?

They like their, I think it's just the CIA. I think they've, they've mentioned it as the CIA. They're basically the CIA, but they're like, they don't have rules. They don't even have like the US government trying to even rain them in. I think they're just like a step above that. And they have this device that makes them sort of evil. They can see everything. They're spying on everybody. Right. So we, we flashback within this scene to watch Jason Mamoah take over Charlize the Rones henchman. And his plan that he reveals to her is that he is kidnapped the friend or family of every single one of Charlize the Rones henchman's family. Yes. Right. And has them all simultaneously faceTime, all the Henshman, all of whom have their ringers on.

And he's like, professional, by the way. Thank you. Yeah. And he's like, I have your families. You're my Henshman now. Okay. Can I just take a second because something occurred to me about this. Learning so much about this movie.

This is my absolute favorite thing about the movie and I'm going to tell you why. So you've got to remember the reason that he has to kidnap all of Shirley Charley Sharon's fucking henchman's kids is because he has no money left, right? Because in the whatever the fucking fast five movie, right? That's why he's mad at Vin Diesel. They took all his money. They took all his family's money. So the only way he can get henchman is if he kidnaps all of her henchman's kids, right? That's why he's mad at Vin Diesel because like took all his family's money. So the only way he can get henchmen is if he kidnaps all of her henchmen's kids, right?

And then calls them and is like, you're now my henchmen. But here's the thing. The only way that he could have done that is if he has other henchmen kidnapping them, like he has other henchmen. But if he couldn't afford those henchmen, there's only one possible explanation, which is he also kidnapped all of those henchmen's kids. It's an infinite regression. It's just kids all the way to... I gotta be honest.

If someone stole all of my family's money, I would also burn Rome to the ground. There you go. I see a bunch of henchmen. Yeah. Like, I am on his side. Yeah. It's just a Ponzi scheme of henchmen. He's got hundreds of thousands

of henchmen just big kidnap. I don't know what they're confused about. That sounds correct to me. So he assigns them to kill Charlize Theron. Does not oversee the work sloppy. Can I say that? Where's the work? Luckily Charlize Theron has a all my henchmen's guns don't work anymore button on her way. And I love that all the guys are like, that's what that does. I always wondered why she wore that thing. I thought maybe she was diabetic and like didn't want to talk.

She literally just presses a button and all their guns turn off. Yeah. So they have a big fight. She jumps in an elevator, which goes down. Oh, yeah, that elevator's like a million miles an hour. Okay, this was a good move though. So she's in an elevator, which goes down. Yeah, that elevator's like miles an hour. Okay, this was a good move though. So she's in the elevator. She's beaten up like the last henchman before she can escape. Elevator's falling, not like normal elevator going down. It's like cut the wires.

It's falling. Yeah, the wire was cut. And she does, she does what I thought, until very recently in my life is a real thing that you could do, she just jumps up a little bit at the last. Classic. Classic. And they combined two idiot assumptions about elevators here. One, the jump a little bit and two, the if you're on top of a long fall, you're fine. What?

Because at the last minute, she lands on the bad guy. Swoosh is around and the bad guys below her and he's dead and she is stumbling to Vin Diesel's house levels of fine. Yeah. I was confused by that. All right. I remember telling my parents about that once and they were like, that's not, I don't think you can do that. And I was like, I'm not impressed with adults right now.

I have to sign teacher once, same answer. I didn't believe in science for a while. But the point of the matter is the new villain has been introduced. And so now the CIA is back at the house to move the plot forward. And if you want to know how lazy they are about this, it is literally two sentences. They go, yeah, we just loaded Charlie's the road into the ambulance. Don't worry about it, but your friends are in Rome and we actually didn't give them that assignment. So you should probably go to Rome. Yeah, I have. I literally couldn't understand how we got to the road.

I was very, I was, I was very confused by this. The only way I can compare this exposition is like, has someone ever been bringing you to a place that sucks and they can't tell you until the very last minute was too late. Oh, yeah. When we go eat at vegan restaurants, it's that. And I'm like, by the way, this is a raw macro vegan restaurant. That's what they do with the plot of this movie. And you love to be like, doesn't it taste just like, no, it doesn't taste just like anything. Okay. Well, anyways, we're in Rome with the side kicks and the side kicks. The side kicks, I should point

out for now and for the rest of the movie are just full on in their own movie. Yes, they are having a separate spin off. I think they fought for a spin off and the producers wouldn't give it to them. So they settled on this. They were like, okay, what about a spin off within the movie? Yeah, I don't think Vin ever talks to ludicrous in this. Not once.

No, no, single. Well, he doesn't really, you know, talk. You can't really speak anymore. Don't pass the black deltest. Okay, hear me out. This just came up for me. What if Vin Diesel is dead? And in the grand tradition of these movies, they're just not acknowledging it. That's very funny.

He's been deep fake for years. Vin Diesel is just in our minds. Anyways, they have a plan. Roman has a gold car that he's going to use to shine in the eyes of some guards. Fucking insane. The hacker girl from the last movie. This was one of my favorite lazy writing moments of this film. The hacker girl from the last movie, she conflicts, was Charlize Therone's character, who is also a hacker. Yeah. So at the beginning of this scene, she's like, says a car thing

and everyone's like, oh, yeah, there were a lot of moments of like, but you're a woman. Well, it's actually even dumber than that. It's you're a woman, but it's also, I, there were a lot of moments of like, but you're a woman. Well, it's actually even dumber than that. It's you're a woman, but it's also, I thought you were a hacker character and she's like, no, it's Charlie's the wrong son. I'm a car person now too, also. Ridiculous. Which brings us to Aquaman's evil plot.

Yes. Deciliest giant bomb that's ever been constructed. Yes, it is a beach ball. It looks like something Wiley Coyote would have dropped on the road, right? Yes, it's fucking crazy. And it's just so there, the two hackers are driving a truck.

They realize it's in the back. They get out of the truck at some point. I lost track. The point is we now have this giant beach ball, a giant metal beach ball, just merrily rolling through row. Yeah. Destroying everything in its past, no people, no people, not a single person even injured.

Yeah. And Italians move slowly. Yeah. Multiple times. I left them. I left them. I left them. I left them.

I left them. I left them. I left them. We'll see like a giant crowd of people perfectly part so that the ball can roll through. If you've ever tried to get cash out of the bank in Italy, you know how slowly they know that everyone in Italy would be dead. Yes. This would have taken out the entire population of Rome.

Yes. But no, it just rolls around the city. This action sequence is indecisive. I really. He's hitting it with his car at one point. Why are they driving after it? Great question. Okay. I think I know the his car at one. Why are they driving after it? Great question.

I think I know the answer to this one. According to the movie, Jason Mamoah has this bomb plot and he intentionally rolls it out of back this truck. So it's rolling through Rome CIA guy from earlier, a little nobody, which was Mr. Nobody's son who is now part of the agency, whatever. He's a good guy and he's on the radio and he's like, Hey, if somebody touches that bomb with their hand, I can use the master kill switch to turn off the bomb part of the bomb, but somebody has to be physically

touching it. How does that make any sense? It doesn't. It makes no sense. And that's not how they end up deactivating the bomb. No, he Vin Diesel like flies his car into what, what are those calls? Claim. Well, into a crane and then the crane hits the bomb into the water because they were like,

if we get the bomb in the water, it'll be like 10% less destructive. And I guess it was. Yeah. I mean, so there's also this great moment right before that. So Jason Momoa turns to the henchman and he's like, don't go anywhere. Don't forget I've got your kids. And this is when I had my amazing revelation that he's just kidnapped thousands of henchmen's kids.

Correct. And so I stopped to write that joke down at which point I looked up from my phone and the bomb was on fire. Now, wait, I don't want to be clear. I got it. It hadn't exploded. It was just on fire. And by the way, right before that happens, Vin goes, it's gonna blow. And then it just is on fire, but hasn't blown.

It's just a giant thought. It's literally Vin Diesel in a muscle car chasing a fireball through the streets of Rome. And he's driving up and down flights of stairs. Yeah. Chasing a boulder. And then they're like, and then they're like, Vin, you gotta let it go. You've done everything. And he's like, not everything. And then he launches his car's Rachel set into the crane and it's pinball, right? Like the, like, yeah, I the only way you can explain it's like, he uses the crane like a pinball lever and just pin balls the bottom to the river, using the nost though, because that's how you win everything. He shoots the nost thing and ramps himself off the bridge and hits the back of the crane and it spins around and pinballs the giant bomb

into the water. I just want to take a moment that if you listening to this podcast, we're like, I'm a little confused. What does this have to do with Jason Mamoah's character? We felt the same way. Jason Mamoah just occasionally is on camera like dancing while this happened. Okay. He rigged this whole thing. He's conducting this like a Maestro. He kills it in the scene. He also has a, an Atari joystick. He knocks to his laptop and he's controlling some cars, I think. And he's running the whole show. Rachel, this outfit is his second outfit. First one was Burning Man Assassin. That's from the Charlie Sharley Sharazion scene. This is a second outfit at this point, which I've titled Crocodile Dundixock.

Oh my God, I love this. Or not. It wasn't my favorite of all of them. Okay, can you just describe it to us? It was like, you remember? It was that crock jacket, like a little like crock. And it was like really, it was cute, because it was fitted.

It just, I didn't think that it fit the character as well as some of the flowy air blouses. Yeah, I appreciated though the jewelry and the hairstyle that he had with it. Like it was a good overall look. I just don't think it was the best one in the movie. All right, so crocodile done Dixock. Hot, hot, hot.

Yeah, for sure. Hot, but not the hottest. All right, so yeah, that's that scene. So now we head to the headquarters of the agency, which agency? Go fuck yourself. The CIA according to Heath's notes, I'm not convinced.

Anyway, agency, it's just the agency. The agency. Anyway, Jack Reacher is the boss now. You know Jack Reacher from Jack Reacher on Amazon Prime. Yeah, what the fuck? Alan Richardson. He's the boss now and he's meeting with Brelarsson. Who's Brelarsson?

Daughter of Mr. Nobody. Go fuck yourself. She knows she's Mr. Nobody's daughter. I'm not even making a mother. It's like an erous. It's like a title you get. Mr. Nobody, she's like, I'm gonna stop you all right now. Everyone in the movie is like, I didn't know Mr. Nobody had a daughter

and she's just like, neither did any of we. Also, and this is just my personal opinion. I don't think she's a good action movie actor. No. Like, I've seen her in like an Amy Schumer film or like a side comedy, but I'm just like, bitch, go home. Yeah, she doesn't like it. No, but her outfits were lit.

On one. I googled every single outfit because I was like, meet that jacket. Meet that jacket. Of course. But I just want to clarify here because one scene ago, we met Mr. Nobody's son. And now we're meeting Mr. Nobody's daughter.

Wait, what do you mean? What do we mean? This guy who was like tag the bomb and it'll be diffused. Little nobody is his name. I don't know if he's the son or just the like, six, like the VEEP of Mr. Nobody's job. Okay. There's way too many nobody adjacent family members in this movie. I don't even think it. I think it's just there inside jokes. I was like, who's this guy? Fucking no, who cares? He's fucking nobody. Watch the movie. Eat your

fucking popcorn. He's like Nick Fury's number two. Now number one, I think. There's also a great news scene in the scene where the news comes on. And it's like the terrorists have been identified and it's all the pictures of, you know, Dom's family. And I'm just like, how many times have these people been on the news? There's like, fucking terror. And what I love about the scene is what this scene needs to clarify is we think they're bad guys again.

So the good, the cops are going to be after them in this movie again. So what they do to explain that is Jack Reacher. And I will never call him his character's name because I don't know it. Yeah. It's Ames. Jack Reacher explains why the fast and the furious movies are stupid on way to meta a level. Yeah. So they meet these people who are like drug lords and mobsters and murderers. And then they just have a barbecue and everything's fine. That's stupid. And we're probably going to end up at a barbecue man. You got to be.

Stop it. And he's like, I hate barbecue. He's literally a line of the movie. All right. So now, Dom and the family are being chased by, I guess all the good guys and all the bad guys in the world using the eye of God device. That is how you build a nuanced plot. Fuck yeah.

So we're gonna take a quick break, and then we'll be back with more fast 10. Now, I'll tell you this, nothing is like family. Family is family, and nothing is family. Dude, nothing is like family. Family is family and nothing is family. Dude, you're always family. I'm sorry, sorry, what did I miss? Just the beginning. Okay, good.

So you're telling me you're who's sister. Wait, who's that? She's the sister of the cop from the fifth movie where the rock was the bad guy. Oh, so she's the bad guy. No, she turned and joined Vin Diesel but then the bad guy killed her. Oh, so she's her sister? Yes.

Well, if it isn't P315L14W26. What? You gotta go to the novel, page 315, line 14, word 26. I'll just pause for a minute. When did you guys get novels? They handed them out at the beginning. This feels like a lot to keep track of. Shh.

We've got no choice. We've got to see the one person I want to see the least. So if a train leaves Mshula going 14 miles per hour, it's straight line to their own, it's 200, there's six miles away, and then we we got to figure out the math on that. I feel like these movies might not be as accessible as they once were. We're doing trig. Right, right, sure. This is not trig.

You be quiet in diesel. And we're back. An act two kicks off with Mia and Brian Jr. Playing video games at home. It took wall walkers out getting cigarettes, I guess. And then Jason Mamo is commandos show up to kidnap them. No, these are the agency. These are the agency commandos you fool. Are you sure?

You can tell based on what kind of full face mask they're wearing. Yes, I was going to say literally the two different flavors of bad guy are either in black military outfits. These are Jason Ramoas people or Camo military outfits. Those are the agency. Okay. This is the agency. In case you're wondering, they are quite literally just the terrorists or police outfits from counterstrike. Yeah. Well, it's just either terrorists or cops from counterstrike. I noticed something really struck me and this will continue throughout the movie. The child who is 11 is experiencing so much violence. Oh, he's so into it though. He's so calm.

He's fine. He's still. He starts laughing maniacally later in the film. I'm less calm doing my taxes than he was watching people smash through his windows and drag his aunt through the kitchen. And then watch his John Cena, the uncle he met zero movies ago murder to those people. Yeah, his white uncle, his white uncle with a giant head. This is also the first time that, so John Cena shows up and saves them. This is the first time that John Cena isn't in a scene with another giant, like the rock or

fucking Vin Diesel. And so he's supposed to like shake this child's hand and it's like, you ever see them, it's like the iron giant. Yeah, but with flesh, but just with thick, thick, unspooling flash. Yes. Anyways, he's like, getting the car. We're doing our own movie. It's a road trip. I'll explain later. Meanwhile, in, okay, fucking stay with me here.

Podcast listener, I know you're home. I don't understand the plot. What's going on? Neither do fucking we. Just come on the right. Meanwhile, in Naples, Italy, why? Re-Larson is in a dive bar looking for Vin Diesel. And she finds him.

But wait, but before she does, she finds him instead of playing. He's just standing in a bar, but not just that everyone in the bar is trying to kill her. This is a theme throughout the movie. Are those people guarding Vin Diesel? I don't know. Or is Vin Diesel just in amongst bad people? They're guard Vin Diesel owns the streets wherever he goes. And the streets of Napoli are owned by him now.

But then the bartender just hands Brelarsen a gun. A gun? And she's like pat pat and then gives it back and is like, thanks. Can I get two beers? Why? Why anything? Why? But the scene like honestly genuinely, I want to sit the writers down and be like, what who is everyone in this scene? The only thing in this scene that mattered to me was that Vin and Bri passed along the cross necklace, the Jesus, the faith. Yup. And let me say, look, I wish only good things for Bri Larson.

I know she's been through a lot. I think she's very talented. Absolutely, yeah. I did love that she was forced to act in the same scene as Vin Diesel. Yeah. Because she's like, the agency's after us and we don't have much time and he's like, do you give it a stone stone? And he's like, what? Fuck, someone call cut. Oh no, this is all saying in the movie. Okay, well, cut. And then she's over.

She says more words in this scene than Vin has in his life. Yeah, exactly. So now we're going to cut to the strangest side plot of the movie. I teased it earlier. John Cena and Vin Diesel's son are on a road trip together. A very dangerous road trip. A cut, but like a, but like a plane trains an automobile. Yeah, let's get to trains an automobile. Yeah.

Let's get to know each other. What's your favorite music road? Yes. He has poppin' tapes into the tape deck of his car that's basically my car, which was upsetting. It's supposed to be like a part of the joke is that he has a shitty car for this one little moment. Yep.

Yeah. And he, this is my favorite part though. He pops in a tape and I think it was Markey Mark and the funky bunch. It's Markey Mark and the V bunch. It's Markey, Mark. The vibe of the bunch. Yeah. This franchise is perfect. And then him and the cater dancing, which was really cute.

That was really cute. I was very cute. Yeah, I liked their bonding. Let me hit you, Semites, with this theory. Yeah. I wish you would say that. I really wish you wouldn't say that. I also didn't like that.

Let me hit you with this theory. Let me gas this with this theory. Let me gasp this with this notion. Let me lock us into this chamber of Zechlon B. I don't like this. Um, um, let your fingernails call it. Oh, along the walls. So I don't think Semitic is the right term for the white people I'm looking at. Of this idea. Uh, we are from the desert. Ethan, you can go fuck yourself. Are you? Yeah. 40 years, baby. That totally true story. Let's go. When our parents die, we get money. Anyway, it's a whole thing. So much. Let me hit you with this. This movie was written through a pitch session for other movies. The diesel was in the room pretending to be a chair. Everyone's like, that being big

chair looks totally normal for a being big chair. They were pitching other movies. They were like, here's a buddy comedy movie. Here's a rolled movie between a father and son. Here's a prison break movie. And at the end of it, Vin Diesel stood up and he was like, you'll hide. That's the only way that I can. That's accurate. Can I agree to that I can. That's not fair. Can I agree to this? Okay. Speaking of switching movies, yeah.

Now it's time to go to future prison. We're led. Oh, yes, yes. Lettuce is in this weird fancy prison. Fancy a nice prison. Oh, be honestly cute prison. It's a pretty nice prison. This is cipher and letty, right?

They're both there. No, they're not both there yet. I'm spoiling. No, no, no, yeah, this is this is Brie Larson. So letties in her cell, which is bigger than my apartment, significant. Yeah. And who comes in? Brie Larson comes in in this like gorge Alexander McQueen coat phenomenal. So chic. She walks in and lettie goes nice coat. And I was like, yeah, obviously, it is a nice coat. That's a really nice coat. I like that the jail is tetris based in the way it keeps you in.

Everything moves in like blocks out of the way and fits together. It's like an old pyramid scenario. Because if there's a problem with jails, I think we can all agree. It's that all the walls don't move enough. No, I'm always saying that. There's not enough mobility in the walls.

That's the hell I'll die on. But so Bree Larson comes in and she's like, I'm going to break you out because I'm a good guy who's not a bad guy, but some of us are bad guys. And Michelle Rodriguez goes, do you got a plan? And she's like, I got a plan. And then Michelle Rodriguez says the phrase game recognizes game. And I was like, can'tPD is trying to get it. Game recognizes game to breathe

Larsen feels like a hate crime. It does feel like a hate crime. I think this is actually too hard on chat GBT. I feel like it's chat GBT that was only trained on fast furious movies. Right, the data said it doesn't have access to the rest of the fast fast GPT If you if he's itself back into itself and keeps making movies forever chat GP furious

Yeah, but yeah, she says that and then Brie Larson pulls out a knife and stabs are in the shoulder end of scene. Yep Don't worry that will not make sense later. That's gonna help letty escape theoretically, right? It's so she could get into the medical suite. So what? That's not spoiled. Oh, that's where the fuck you are. Okay. Yeah. It does.

That actually does help. No, but that, that's obvious from the beginning. No, it's not. Yes, it is. Not obvious from the beginning. I get it. I'm not having this fight with you on air. Okay.

I'm tired of fighting with you like this. Guess what? What's the only one watching? All right. Anyways, that seems over. And it's a fast and the furious movie, which means we need to be in Rio de Janeiro at a sexy car Tushy party.

It was so many Tushies. I watched this and thought I gotta get to the gym. I gotta do some squats. I feel like it's gonna, I feel like Brazil has a contract with these films. They're like, I think so too. They're like, we'll let you shoot in Rio Juez on arrow for free. We just give you a detachie. You must shoot one Tushi for every number the movie is.

They were definitely tend to, and let me be very clear here. It's the kind of amount of ass that's no longer sexual. It's just, you just remember that, thank you. You just remember that everyone is someone's child and you're like, I don't love that. We have different ways. Yeah. All right. Fine. Everyone was really enjoying the open buttholes. Fucking color. Yes, they were. All right. So here we are in the gaping scene of the fucking movie. Yep, because it's not fast and furious unless there's a big drunk party Tushy scene.

Right. To racing. I was excited. This is like back to the roots. They're like, do it. Yeah. And this scene is so fucking crazy. It's great.

Oh my God. Let's take him through it. So Vin comes in. Why is he there? Go fuck yourself. Not in your business. I like. He makes the huge entrance.

Like he always does in these like, yeah, but he literally came and was like, I'm not here to race. I'm not here to race. I'm just here to. The woman. Yeah, it's. They will. They will race. But yes, I was disappointed for a second, but I love how he comes in.

It's not a sexual thing for me. I just like to look. There's a lot of my head. Car racing rave happening and every like cheers him because they know who this guy is, which means the guy who runs these things, these dance party car racing things tells all the people who Vin Diesel is in case he does, he tries to do a big entrance so they can all cheer. There's an orientation. Yeah. There's an orientation. Everyone gets a quick slide show. Paul still alive.

Vin Diesel, very important. Much applause for him, please. And we also get introduced to two characters here. We'll talk about who the woman is in a minute, but all we know from this scene is that she's sassy and she wants to race Vin Diesel. And she's very hot. And there is who she was. Some normally sexual attraction between her and Vin Diesel.

It made me really uncomfortable. It's really uncomfortable. How old is this actress? Do you want me to look it up? No, just in your head. Rodog it. Uh, 23. 23, right?

Yeah. 23. 23. He's not just old enough to be her father. He's old enough to be her responsible father. Yes. Right. He's old enough to be a father who really took his time and had kids when he was running.

He had a kid on purpose. Right. And the idea that she is sexually attracted to him is like if there have been sexual tension in the scene between Vin Diesel and Rita Marino. I'm feeling a little bit at the time. Yeah. What a weird, weird, unique thing that only exists in this movie, Eli. Yep.

I just didn't want to call it out. That's fine. I want Vin Diesel in West Side Story now. What I love about this scene though is that before the drag race starts, right? He gets confronted by Momoa, right? Oh, yeah. So Jason Momoa shows up dressed like a lad in. Yes.

I would call, hold on, wait, wait, wait, wait, let's see what we called this one. Literally, Jeannie from a lamp is in my notes. He is dressed exactly like that. Oh, I would call it. Hold on, wait, wait, wait, let's see what we call this one. Literally, Jeannie from a lamp is in my notes. He is dressed exactly like that. Oh, I called this one, Chiquita Bandana. I know. Because he's, it's fucking, there's a lot happening here. Rachel, would you please describe the look and give us a hot or not? I don't remember it.

This has been a really fun game for me. You said like a let, I'm sorry, I thought you first of all you started this game. You should have described that. You should have taken the first one where he's got the top not. This is the first time we see him with the full little man bun top not. Yeah. And he's back to like the flowy stuff. It's like a lot of it.

He's a lavenger. I said what I thought it was like Aladdin. But what I love about this scene is they have this one. There's a crowd of like a hundred Brazilians. And then Mamoa confronts Dom and they just start like rehashing the entire plot. Yes. As he starts to explain why he hates him and what he's going to do them.

Meanwhile, a hundred Brazilians just quietly watch this extreme. Yeah. And I just were like, they must all be so confused. So this must be such a bizarre. Well, you'd think they were confused, but apparently they had been lining up on opposite sides to represent where they fall in this rivalry while this was all happening. Because right now, this is when Mimoa and Vin Diesel have a big showdown. And Mimoa is like, everybody

on my team, do the stick your guns out next to my arms. I like all but and they're all right behind him guns fly out. Right. Which feels racist. And then Vin Diesel says the same thing and his side is already right behind him and all his people, Polaka. Yeah. I wanted one person to be wrong, right?

Like just the the moisy of their gang, like brick is just on the wrong side. And he's got a grenade. Sorry, I forgot I'm on his team. They're actually talking over a couple. Well, you both make me off. I was watching and I just this West side start, they should all start dancing. Absolutely. Here's how you know that the Brazilians all had a like a dress rehearsal for this moment. And then it was all, you know, prepared and that there was a seminar because then, then Mamoa goes, Mamoa's character goes, why don't we race for it? And what it is, I still don't know, but they're like, why don't we race for it? And Dom is like, let's race.

And then fireworks go. And fireworks happen. Yes, happen. To be clear, here's the exact one. I'm so glad you asked what the stakes of the race are. Jason Mamoa says, if you win, I'll give you my car. If you lose, and then the writer of the movie was like, I'm bored.

And so Jason Mamoah goes, well, don't lose. That was it. Don't know what the stakes were. Those are the stakes. And then there's going to be a race with four people instead of two. For no goddamn reason. So here's what I want you to picture podcast listener. Again, the really, really picture this. Vin Diesel comes forward in his muscle car, 11 movies in

brown, brown, brown. We see Jason Mamo is car, brown, brown, brown, brown. And then those two characters, the sexy lady and the other guy who we mentioned in less than half a sentence, they pull up in their cars like, I mean the movie. Yeah. They were all like we're racing also. And there's this great thing because because Mamoah tries to do the Joker thing from Dark Night where he's like, which ones do you save, Dom?

And Dom realizes like he's going to have to choose who to save. But it's like they saw the scene from the dark night with Rachel and Harvey Dent and they were like, how do we improve this? What if he knows neither of the videos is nothing about these people? Right, so Jason Mamoa. You know what I mean?

That seemed better. No personal connection. It's not out. Jason Mamoa has strapped in a bomb thing to the bottom of both of these strangers cars. He's Randos cars. So he's like, you're gonna to have to save one of them. And Dom is just like, which one I don't know either of them.

And he does. He saves the lady, obviously, which I mean, any, many, many money, Moe. I mean, right? But he knocks the bomb off her car, which means guy we met zero scenes ago is dead. And Dom is very upset about it. Like, I'm not kidding. There is a long pullaway shot as though someone we deeply care about died. I thought we again, because I don't remember anything from any of these fucking films, really thought we were supposed to know. And I just didn't, you're telling me, you're

telling me, I don't know, but nobody's. Nobody's there. No, we're 100% sure. Well, no, we're going to learn that Isabel, the woman is a somebody, but we don't know yet. The other guy is just the guy who runs the racing rave. Yeah. He's the president of Brazil. Yeah. Yeah. That's fucking crazy.

Although I will say he kind of deserved it. He hits the nose too early. And that's, you know, that's how you lose. Don't hit the nose too early. You deserve to die. If you're in these movies 11 times and you hit the Nas early, that's your fault. That's like if they tried to replicate the final scene from Titanic,

but it was just two people who had just met on the boat on that, on that panel at the very last minute. It's like if Sophie's choice had been about a woman's daughter and just another little boy. Anyways, that's that's little boy. Yep. That's very funny. That's very funny. That's very funny. That's very funny. That's very funny. Meanwhile, back at the prison, Ledi is getting Lager surgery.

Uh, couples laser surgery. Because what's happening? You're spilling it. Spoiling it. Because apparently we save the most advanced medicine for our worst criminals. Yep. Are you surprised? And as she's getting Laged her surgery, she looks over

and who's there. It's a Charlie's. Oh, I spoiled that 10 seconds. Sorry. There's, there's her wrong. Why is she in this prison? Don't know. Is she a good guy now? Don't know. Is she still a bad guy? Don't know. Unclear. All of it's unclear. I finished the movie. Still unclear. All right. So let's see. Quick rundown of the scenes that happen next because none of the matter Jason Mamoah plays with the dead bodies of some guard while dressed like a rug rat. Okay. Pink robe hot or not. We need a hot or not on this. He's a rug rat. He literally dressed like one of the rug grass. I can't remember which one. He's like, he's dressed like Angelica. He's got like the, he yes, it's Angelica's grass. I can't remember which one. He's got like angelica. He's got like the,

yes, it's angelica's dog. I couldn't place it. He's dressed like angelica's dog. He's got the two fucking little buns on either side of his fucking head. And it is the fucking painting the toenails of the dead guys and their faces are taped into smiles. Open. Really funny. We will never find out why they died. You will never find out why they died. You will never find out why they are. They are. They are. They are. It's just a scene to clear code Jason. It was unhinged. It's like they did a test audience and the loudest guy in the room was like, not enough. Homa foe. And they were like, I mean, we could add a scene where he just sort of like queerly fucks around with, but queerly fucks around with bodies.

Take my 11 dollars. This has been a trend since fucking Skyfall. I feel like they just surprised Mamot with this. They just like put him into a room with dead bodies and faces taped up and they were like, go, talk. He was on hand. And he kills it.

He's so good. Isn't this like, isn't this a thing that they've been doing since fucking Skyfall though? Isn't this like what they did with Javier Bardem in that fucking movie? Queer coding villains? Yeah, I feel like this has become a much more popular thing in the past like five seconds.

I am a morial, Jason. Moshe. Time is over. We said Jason like 19 times earlier. Yeah, what's up? Since Scar and Jafar, they've been queer coding our villains. Scar and...

Oh my God, Scar. Scar's get, what Jafar's not gay? Really? I'm gonna need Jafar. they've been here coding our villain. Scarred. Oh my God. Scar. Scar's get what? Jeffars not gay. Really? I'm going to need you for he tried to slave. I believe in no, no, he just not. I'm going to need you to revisit Aladdin

and watch Jeffars bow. Well, wearing no, this is the rest of the podcast. Now I'm sorry. Jeffars not get it. Jeffars. K. Jeffars real real queer. What's so give me some evidence. He wears eye makeup. Can we go back to the

move? Thank really. All right. Interesting. An interesting take. So he plays with some dead bodies. Then we check it on the side kicks who had been gone so long that my notes for this section are I forgot they were in the movie. Yeah. They are at their new base, which appears to be an office. They rented a we work for that. They're very clearly a we work. Yeah, they're in a we work and they learn that Jason Momoa has hacked them and taken all

their money. Right. They watched the little bars go down on their computer. Two thoughts here. Two thoughts here. Two thoughts here. One is, wouldn't you think a hacker's money would be super duper secure? You would. That's A of all. B of all. Put it in different banks. Like, are you? Did we learn nothing from so badly? They must choose. Okay. Understood. Yeah. No, well, that's where my thought process came in.

It's like, what are you not of a Roth? You know what I mean? Yeah. Absolutely. And can I say just from my heart, it is Vin Diesel's fault because he did change all of their passwords to family, just the word family, all lower case. Yup. Hey, his Facebook was familiar. Yeah. But it's okay because Roman has covered his body and money.

Will that ever matter to the movie? Nope. No, it will not. No, yeah, they buy some stuff later. From Pete Davidson. Yeah. And they use the cash that he strapped to his body. A fuck is he doing in this movie? What are you doing? Any movie? Pete Davidson is everywhere. And I love it. His coke guy was on set and he was there. And Vin Diesel was like, aren't you Kanye West? And he was like, no, and he was like, you're

in a movie. Anyways, meanwhile, back in Reno, the girl, remember the girl who had a sexually inappropriate attraction to Vin Diesel? Yeah. She's gonna explain that she's actually quite connected to this movie. Do you remember fast in the Furious Five?

I don't, but I know that he was in a relationship with the cop, Alena. And this girl is Elena's sister. Exactly. Un-men-sh-en-sister. Never mentioned. So Vin is in this girl's house. So she's the kid's aunt.

Yes. Okay. So Vin sees a shrine to this woman who he dumped in once. And or maybe they were really dating. I don't know. It's not my business. I don't care. And he was like, I knew you looked familiar.

And she was just like, and then they exchanged cryptic words. And that's it. They literally just used her as a replacement for this character because Vin Diesel was like, he should ask that cop lady. And they were like, no, then she died and he's like, put him back to life. And they were like, we can't then, we literally cannot do that. And he was like, sister, sister, 100%. Yeah. At this point, my notes just say Marvel movies ask me to keep a track of less characters. And I've been reading comics since I was 13 years old.

Right. To be clear, though, he saved her life because he knew by looking at her. Yeah. He knew somehow she was in the star of Elena. He was like, you get to live. I've smelled a genetically similar vagina before you get to do. And the guy with the face tattoos does not. Yep. And then again, just have to point out at the end of the scene, he's like, by the way, my friend Brian is alive. That's it. I propose nothing. He's just like, I have a friend named Ryan. He's alive. Are you writing something on a post it?

Yes. So is the actor who plays. He's been in Ryan's life. All right. Meanwhile, the sidekicks are in London trying to find action movie stuff at Pete Davidson's Internet Cafe. Yup. And there is a plate of muffins.

And he goes, can I have these muffins? And Pete Davidson goes, those are special drug muffins. And then they all ate all of them anyways. And a lot. Jason's around. Alla Moishi. Apple bottom. Moishi, Seran Jason. Apple bottom. Yeah. A lot of Moishi. They all eat the drug muffins. And it never comes back. No. Or manners. They're not high.

They're nothing. This is also the best example of my best worst. Yeah. Roman, and please tell me what that other person's name is. Ludacris. Ludacris, because I only know him as Ludacris. Roman and Ludacris are like, I think we should have a slap fight right now. And they do.

And like Heath and I trying to improvise during a live show, they just roll around on the ground for a little bit. And then Roman throws powder into the air as like a big mic drop thing and everybody's like, what? What is that? And they don't address, and then they cut. They cut, which is like pocket sand. Yeah, he throws pocket sand into the air and he's like, it's for, it's for the move.

You know what that is. What was it? Yeah. And so they want to buy military grade weapons. Correct. From Pete Davidson. Yes. And Pete's like, what's your budget?

Basically. Yeah. And then Roman goes, how about this? Pulls out a huge lot of cash and puts one hundred dollar bill on the counter and beats like you kidding? And I I think it's similar to how much Eli thinks close cost. Correct. If a t-shirt is more than $11, he's like, well, that's not.

That's crazy. What am I going to do? You get a whole pack of those for a long time. I'm looking at Eli's outfit. Yeah. Max seven dollars. We got cargo shorts. Wow. You're Eli's outfit. Yeah. Max $7. We got cargo shorts. Wow, you're really, you're highballing.

Thank you. You think you think high? No, he did get those nice new sneakers. I did. Those look great. They tie. They tie. Do you know how to tie them or did you have somebody tie for it?

No, they're kids, so you can just step into them with your fat feet. They're pretty. You can just step. They're literally a brand of shoe that is based on you can just step in this. This is too sad. I can't. I was going to get to the Verico's veins that exploded along my legs, but we can get

back to the movie. That is the other thing I'm looking at right now. It's a lot. What did that happen? It happens all the time. Until my heart gives out. Okay, but it's like outside your skin. It's like scabs.

It's not just Verico's veins are supposed to be inside your mind, right? The viral blood is like, hey, we shouldn't have been alive this long. It is. It's not blood, isn't it fluid? I don't know, man. I'm not fucking a doctor. I went to a doctor the first time,

he was like, you should be less fat. And I was like, you should be less tall. And then we walked away. Did you say you went to a doctor for the first time? No, I went to the doctor the first time this happened. I like, and then I was like, this is any of my business. Can you slide the leg behind the table? Just for me, thank you.

Hey, could you leave the room just? Thank God, it's an audio medium. Anyways, back at prison, Charlie's the Ron and Lennie are chit-chatting because future prison, as we spoiled earlier, is future prison, has shared surgical rooms. Yep. They also have controls that are within hand reach of the prisoners.

Yep. Because Charlize thrown immediately, not only unlocks them from their prison surgery tables, but also knockout gases the scientists who are doing laser surgery on. Yup, she's like, I set these up earlier. How? When? What is this prison? Is I take prison that you able to set up gas bombs? Very confusing. You set that up and then you got yourself into the surgery

by having injuries. I don't know. It's a lot. Very confusing. Very elaborate plans. So many things in this movie turn out to have been someone's plan all along. Right.

They try to explain it here because they guess everybody and everybody's knocked out and she's like, I needed you for this. And there's just like two handles that need to be turned at the same time. Yeah, what the hell was that? And like those prison hospitals, where you have to turn those things

that the slave can use your device. Same thing. Right. And then again then again my best worst she's like okay great well we're out of the prison and let he is like um you're a bad guy last movie would you like to have a fight about it and Charlie's thrown his like yeah no you know you can fight and then they have a very sensual it's a real uh sensual fight. This is sexy fight. At which point the medicine robot fires a death laser at them and I just wrote, why does the health of tron have a death laser? There's a button for death laser on the couple's surgery robot.

This is the health of tron 348 back. It's for a sickest to decide. It can stitch cauterize suture and vaporize a horse from 50 meters away. Sometimes you need that. What I love most about this sexy girl fight rank because the makers of this movie, vicious sexist that they are, we're like, and now you get to get a real room and these two actors were like, no, we can't say no because Fast Life Eureus pays us infinite amounts of money. But we can make this the least sexy girl fight in the universe. It was pretty brutal.

It's pretty brutal. They just punch each other in the face and bleed and spit deep for like four minutes. And then the guys behind the camera are like still erect and they're like, we tried our best. Meanwhile, back in real, I don't know. Dead cop sister is reading the files that her dead sister had on Jason Mamoah. And those files say, he's a bad guy. And we were supposed to be like, what?

Yeah, the movie's catching itself up with itself. And then we learned that Jason Mamooa owns a police station somewhere in town. I don't remember this at all. So there was a stack of files and she's like, this is all the buildings, the family owns. And then she's like, they've sold all of them except this one. And it's just an empty building and Vince like, I'm going to find the answers I need there.

He's definitely right there. Like, why would you assume that's, well, he's at that building because he owns it. Maybe it's the last Airbnb they were able to hold on to. Like, that's funny. Guys, you're missing it. It's not just any police station. It's the police station. They stole the big safe out of in movie.

Oh, is it that exact one? It looks different. Yes. What? It doesn't matter if it's that one or not. It literally doesn't matter. It's a place where they go and he gets tricked because he's Vin Diesel and he's an idiot. It's a great movie.

And the only other thing I want to mention about this scene because it's just going to matter later is that Jack Reacher also is aware of Vin Diesel at this point. So he's on Vin Diesel's tail as well. Yeah. And we get the scene that's literally from Jack Reacher where he just like beats up a bunch of people in Brazil. Like Vin Diesel knows he's being tailed. Oh, yeah, he literally says the Jack Reacher catchphrase.

He's like, guys, you don't want to do this. And then turns to the camera like, we Jack Reacher now available on Amazon. Yeah. And we're like, I watched it and I jerked off to you, man. It was a weird plug. I also did you guys notice he had like that what looked like a shoulder holster on you. Yeah. If you look closely because I was wondering about it, I paused the movie. It's not a holster. It's just a leather like a fucking belt. It's just a leather belt around his shoulder. The whole fucking thing.

Is that what, is that the biggest problem you had with this movie? Yes, got it. False apart here, makes sense. Well, good thing everyone in Rio is family for Vin Diesel. They helped him there. They bought him a little bit of time. And we're going to need one more quick break. But first, let me give act three, the hard sell. Will every other character from the nine other movies that we haven't met yet

get involved in Act 3? Will contracts that say, I never lose a fight make everything a weird tie for a bit longer? Will we get way more involvement from Jesus Christ or Lord and Savior? Yes, when we're telling for the nossed,astic Conclusion of Fast 10. All right, everyone. Welcome to the secret evil meeting of entertainment creators. You need it. You don't need it. You don't need it.

So first off, I want to give a big shout out to Rick for his Friaging Women Project, where women are only depicted as damsels, need of saving, or victims to avenge a amazing work, Rick. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Yeah. That said, I think you guys are really gonna like this new project we've got going, gay villains. I'm so sorry. Did you say gay villains? Like, like sexually? Yes, implied sexually.

The only way to show gay sex, as we know, is as a doorway to punishment. But we're gonna make our villains gay so that they seem, you know, dangerous and powerful. Okay, but why do we want to make gay people seem dangerous and powerful? Right. So you know how most of the queer community are like wildly disenfranchised because of their differences? Sure. Obviously. Right. So if you still want people to be scared of them, you have to make them seem dangerous and powerful.

But if the stereotype is that queer people are effeminate, how do we make them dangerous? Great question. Great question. So, the answer is we make them either sneaky or crazy or both or both got it. Sorry, just why are we doing this again? It just seems like a weird place to plant a flag like with this stereotype thing. Yeah, okay, so it's, it's to prove how not gay we are.

I'm sorry, what now? Right. So you know how the number of gay people has gone up just like a ton in the last few decades? Sure, and that's not because people are like turning gay. It's just because people are comfortable admitting it. Yeah, because culture. Culture, exactly. But if you are comfortable admitting it. Yeah, because culture. Go to it.

Yeah, exactly. But if you look at those numbers in reverse, you start to realize that previous generations have just literally millions of gay people living in the closet just barely keeping it together. So we got to make the villains gay. Hey, man, are you gay? Everyone's gay, man.

They're really everyone. That's true. I'm not gay. Yes, you are. Yeah, I'm a little gay. And we're back. And now, John Cena and Brian Jr. are on a commercial flight heading to the secret finale spot

that they all agreed to meet at. Yep. And a flight attendant, hands John Cena a key to the plane, to the back of the plane. I was very confused about this whole scene. I got to be honest. Why? What?

Well, John Cena, so the kids like, who was that and he's like, don't worry, it's good to know a lot of people in high places, which like either she's a spy or what I think he was telling the kid is like altitude. I've fucked a lot of stewardesses, kid. Yeah. So he has a key to the back of the plane because everybody knows if your friends with stewardesses, they give you the key. Absolutely.

Absolutely. That's one of the perks of medallion status. So they're going to go to the back of the plane and they're going to go grab his Batman mini plane rocket kayak that he apparently like ran through security and that's in the back. Yeah. Then there's that great scene where he pretend John Cena has to talk about chemistry. Oh my God, he was like, here's the deal, kid. We got to get this thing to run. No fuel. Just a little bit of maker's mark. Conversed. Yeah.

Compostive. Faults. Yeah. I don't know, man. We're just going to drop. We're just going to see what happens. Yeah. So they drop out of the bay doors of this commercial airliner. Yeah. I'm so confused if they had their own plane. Why are they on a plane? Great question. I think they needed someone to help them get the height originally. I see. It's unclear.

Anyway, meanwhile, back in England, the sidekicks know another different place to get action movie stuff. Yeah. Let me be clear. That is actually the plot of the movie is I see with Pete Davidson was stupid. Do you want to go see Jason's date? So it wasn't just the drugs. You're telling me that nothing actually happened in the Pete Davidson was stupid. Do you want to go see Jason's date? So it wasn't just the drugs. You're telling me that nothing actually happened in the Pete Davidson scene.

I was thinking that I missed something. Nothing happened. No, Pete Davidson sold him out. He didn't sell them any like action movie stuff like he was supposed to. He instead like went for the reward that's being offered on the dark web. The producer said, who is in town? What actors are in town? Let's be able all the time. Let's write scenes for them. So there's a scene with

Statham. I still don't know why. Oh, he's in every one of these, isn't he? He's sure. No, yeah, he's Jason Statham is OG. He's OG. Yeah, first of all, he's done OG. He was only in it starting in movie like six. I'll say this man. I know they're all 68 years old, but Jason Statham still so hot. So hot. So he's killing it. He's so hot. Yes, very hot, but legitimately still fucking scary.

Like if you fucking ran into that dude in a fucking alley, like fuck that noise, he's still fucking fights like a champ. Sure does. Can I tell you what I think is not scary about him? As he gets older, his head looks more and more like Squidward's in each moment. That little in the center gets more and more severe. Here's what I think happened because there's these two London scenes. I think they were like Jason Statham time for another festive years movie.

And he was like, can't do it. And they were like, please Jason Statham. And he was like, I'll tell you what, we'll do it. But only if he's in my apartment in round in town. And they were like, yeah, no, this movie makes a billion dollar. We could go anywhere you want. Look, we just bought your apartment building. We bought the entire block for this one day of shoes.

Yep. So they go to Jason's, Dave, them's house. Him and Han have a fight. Yeah. Because he's the one who killed Han according to movie six. But here's the thing. Han didn't expect to be a movie star again. No.

This guy was just some actor. Han is tired. He's exhausted. And they made Tokyo drift. He's from Tokyo drift. Thank you. Isn't that three? That's three.

But it's not established that Jason states him the one who killed him until six. But he killed him in three. Yeah. But it's not established that Jason states him's the one who killed him until six, but he killed him in three. Yeah, but it's established in six. Yes. But he didn't actually die. But he didn't actually die. But he's in more like everybody in the crew. So they need to have a fight now.

And so we watch action star Jason state them just like slow motion karate fight. Yeah. And it's like a weird racial element to it because Han is very clearly told, like, you know martial arts. And he's like, I don't know. And they're like, but Jason's eighth of nose martial arts. So you need to know martial arts.

You know Han punched somebody and they were like, can you, yeah, maybe you just chop it instead. And you do it more ancient. What have you made a little more? Can you make a sound? And you're like, what kind of sound? And the guy was like, ah, haas. a little more. Can you make a sound? And you know what a fight was kind of sound. And the guy was like, ah, I asked.

Oh, I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I So they have a fight for a bit than the bad guys show up. This was one of my favorite scenes for anonymous bad guys because it starts as agency bad guys, but then they ran out of camo outfits. So there's two or three hitmen bad guys just being like, but I know we're wearing the wrong outfits, but that's partially why I was so confused the entire movie. There's so many bad guys and they're all just out to get Vincent diesel.

Are you texting? Not just texting. Scrolling Instagram. Seriously? Scrolling it. It's seeking entertain. Do you know what surprised me the least if Moishi took a FaceTime call right now. What? What? Tell me, tell me, you were not entertained by naked guy in the bag for no reason at the end of the scene. Oh my God. What? And I know it. So I think it's a reference to the transporter.

No. No. An homage to that other Jason state. So the post credits teaser at the end of Fast and the Furious nine was Jason state them beating up that punching bag with a guy inside. So this is them. Yeah. This is them paying off that's it from one movie ago. That's just good writing. Yeah. With Tron. That's what I yeah. Paying off an after credit scene. Yep. Yep. Gun fired. All right.

So now we cut over to Dom exploring the police station that Jason Mamoa owns. Yep. And Jason Mamoa has apparently been watching the movie. Turns out he's a huge, fast, furious fan. It has all the blue ray. He has, but not just the blue ray. Seems from this movie on tape.

It's impressive. And I can't stress this enough. It is. It's not Photoshop. They didn't use AI to try to switch the camera angle. It is just screenshots from the previous films. Like, yes. Absolutely.

And so, Jason Mamoah, the villain here, has set up an artistic video collage on a bunch of screens in this police station just as a taunt for when Vin Diesel shows up. And then he calls him on the landline phone that he's set up in the middle of the room so they can banter. It is a love letter scrapbook of Vin Diesel and Paul Walker. Yeah. Second only to Vin Diesel's Paul Walker. Yeah.

Yeah. I really wanted Vin Diesel to be like, I actually have one of these, but it's about my friend, Brian. He's alive. He's alive. He's all alive. He blew him. He blew him out. Just like me. Honk, shoe, honk, shoe. to some sweet now. I tricked you. Beakable. I go. Anyways, the cops show up in the rest of the business object permanence. That's absolutely accurate. No fucking shit. But anyways, the cops show up in a rest of indies. Okay. Hold on the cops show up in a rest of indies. I wrote down that this movie completely arbitrarily decides what the word caught were overpowered means because at any given moment, based on what needs to happen, four guys might mean,

I guess they got me. I got to go with them. Or a hundred guys could be like, we can fight our way out of this. We don't need family to be clear. Last movie, he pulled a missile silo down on top of himself with his hand. Yep. And Jack Reacher shows up with three guys and a baby. And he's like, I'm a Wested. Yeah. While eight of the world's like stupidest cops show up to a recipe and diesel in this scene, he's like, I guess this is how it ends for Vinnie. Quick check in on the ladies. They're done fighting. Letty climbs out of the tunnel. Notice that she is in Antarctica. Oh really, Antarctica. Look, I don't want to talk about the reality of the scene.

I want to talk about what you guys think. Vin Diesel thinks Antarctica is. Because what? Definitely doesn't think it's a continent at the top of the world. He is 100% a flat-earther. I will say that. You think it's a dessert? Yeah. I the world. He is, he is 100% a flat earther. I will say that. He thinks it's a dessert. Yeah. I would like a baked and dark to go. A baked and dark to go.

A baked and dark to go. I think it's, I think it thinks it's a, I think he thinks it's his Italian ant. Yes. I think he thinks it's my ant, dark to go. This is ant, oth to go. Yeah. Anyways, she goes up, she sees his ant, she's like, I'm probably going to need some coats. But luckily Charlize the Rhone has some lovely Swiss coats. Like beautiful, like Canada goose level coats with like a really chic, matching boot.

And she's like, at least with my plan, you'll be warm. Question. Yeah. Is there a high fashion element to the fans of Fast and the Furious? Oh, um, I mean, I watched the movies. There you go. Yep. Asked an answer. And anyways, back with the side cakes, they finally have action movie stuff. So Jason Statham learns that one of the targets for Jason Ramoah is Helen Mirren, who you may not remember is his mom mom, right? mom. Mom, right? Yeah. Oh, it's Jason Statham's mom.

Yeah. So he leaves the movie. Literally that also she comes in at the beginning of the movie for a second and then never matters again. Well, she and Helen Mirin was in that movie last night that I watched. Yup. No. Yes.

Yes. And yeah, it towards the beginning, she comes in and she's just like, you must kill your family. Yep. No. Yes. Are you sure? Yes. And yeah, towards the beginning, she comes in and she's just like, you must kill your family. I don't know what that accent was. I apologize. Do you know who Helen Mirren is? Yes. I don't know why I did that.

Why did you do the arena, Marino? I think she's thinking of Reno. No, I'm not. Helen Mirren was in the movie. Well, Helen Mirren in the movie. It's a British accent. Yes, she was. Okay.

Say 97 things about Helen Mirren right now to prove you know she is British. That's one. That's one. She's an old white lady to an actress three now that more fool us. Meanwhile, back in the car where Vin Diesel has been arrested, Jack Reacher is going to give. I'm going to say the worst monologue of the movie. Yeah.

This is when the writer decided the movie had to be about something and they picked AI for four minutes. Yeah. So this movie is a total exercise in just replicating scenes from better movies worse. Right. This scene is the Tom Cruise scene from the latest top gun, right? Where the general word John Ham's character is like, it's not like it used to be pilots have been replaced by Boba.

Oh, yeah. Except they're he's having the conversation with Serreto and he's like because these movies exist in such a stupid or world, he's like, Dom, it's not like the past anymore. This isn't 2001 where a drag race can save the world. Yes, yeah. Yes, and it's also you have to understand that the camera is switching back between Jack Reacher, who I guess is acting okay. And Vincent Diesel. If there was an English bulldog that it kept switching back to, it would not be more sense because

he's like, you don't understand. The world has changed and Vince Diesel is just like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no days everything's run by computers and the villain is the villain of our minds. Do you need to go snakies?

Oh, so Jack Reacher's character in this scene is written to be borderline non-functional, right? The entire scene is Taredo telling him what's about to happen, right? Because Dom is like, my family is going to rescue me. So they're in the truck and Dom is, you know, Dom's arrested and he's just like, you might want to buckle up. And he's like, why? And Dom's like, I'm preparing for what's to come.

And then he puts his seat belt on, grabs the restraints and all but says, my, my family's about to, are you not getting these things about to hit the car? We're in. I'm very clearly signaling you that are things about to happen are you not getting these things about to hit the car? We're in. I'm very clearly signaling you that a thing's about to happen. Yeah. And did you fucking knock off John Cena fucking Jack Reachers just like, I mean, this fucking am I right? I bet nothing's gonna probably happen to this kind of missile hits the car. Yeah. But it's actually, it's not Tom's family. It's Jason Mamoah. Yeah. But how did he know that Jason Mamoah was going to do? How does anything, anything in this movie, we can't ask questions. These are great questions.

So they have a big shootout on the bridge that is so boring. The only thing I will mention about this scene, there's two things I want to touch on. The first is that Vin Diesel pushes a car over. Okay. I made a note of that he, no, a car was flipped and he wants to get it back on its side. So with one hand, while he's basically holding an iced coffee in the other hand, just pulls a car down. Yep.

He pulls a car down and then it just like sails over and provides him a cover. And then my second thing is in the final moment where like this is supposed to be the big climax and he punches Jason Momoa. Yeah Jason Momoa stands up and goes, you butthole. That's a great scene. I don't know that that was supposed to be a comedic moment. It was hilarious. It was. Of course it was. It's the rest of this series is just Vin Diesel completely straight facetly trying to do action movie stuff while Jason Momoa is like, fuck you man. You suck. You've had like old cement and vindies was like, stop. You're not allowed to say I'm a president of the movie.

Yeah, I'd be here for that. But now they're all on the same team. They're all against Momoa now, right? Right. So like, Momoa brought him to this bridge because that's where his dad died in the movie that he was there, but not in in five. Yep. And he wanted to like do the finale here revenge at the same bridge, right? Also, Brelarzen is here. Oh, yeah. You know, really banging blue suit.

Looking amazing. Yeah. She gets shot right away. Yep. She steps out of a helicopter there to save in diesel. Get shot by a different helicopter sniper right away. Yep.

Children playing with action figures have more coherent than the film at this point. The good news is though, is she has the cross necklace. Yes. So she has God with her. And that's why she survives. Yep. Also, Jack Richard gets shot in this scene and the movie literally forgets. Yep.

Because at the end of the scene, he just gets up and he's like, all right, we're a team now. And it's like, I thought you got shot by the doctor. No, I thought he was dead. And then he just stands back up and he's like, I'll shake it back in. I thought you was dead. No, he just gets right back up. All right.

So John Cena got a respected and again, podcast listener, I'm with you. You're like, wait, I don't understand what's happening. Buckle in because John Cena and Lil Baby Brian, their road trip is over. Where did it end? The missile silo that Vin Diesel pulled down in the last movie in Portugal. Oh, is this a Portugal? Portugal, the big Kiron on the screen at this point said Portugal. Okay.

Dude, they get to different countries real fast. Yeah, I think maybe Vin Diesel thinks Portugal is in Brazil. Very certain of that. Yeah. So their road trip is over and Lil Brian is going to say that he loves Uncle Jacob because he wants Rachel to cry at the end of this movie. Okay, I had a meltdown, a meltdown. At this point, the emotional arc of John Cena and the kid.

Yeah. Brought our friend Rachel the tears. Yeah. I was having a tough day. She's a gentle soul. I am a gentle soul on my period. Also, there's a tender moment between ludicrous and tyrese here. They cut away, maybe it was that.

Yeah. Because I shed a tear here. Yes, ludicrous and tyrese. Yeah. They had a slap fight in a tender moment. In Pete Davidson's warehouse. And so they have a moment here where they, Luther Christian times. They had a slap fight in a tender moment in David Sins, our warehouse. And so they have a moment here where they're like, Hey, I'm sorry, we got in a fight. It was for the movie. It was the most cohesive full circle arc in

11 films. Yes. So Jack Reacher, let me explain where we are right now. Jack Reacher has flown dumb in his car to Portugal. I think it was more more an airplane than a car that they flew in. Yes, but his car is in the airplane. The car is in the airplane because. Oh, that was because in this Dom's amazing car, of course, has to get used to that. Right. Simultaneously to this happening, John Cena and the child. Remember how they had a rocket kayak? Yes. That rocket kayak has now been affixed

to the outside of John Cena's car and is now a cannon. So they have a cannon car. They have a bazooka car that they run away from the bad guys with. Right. That they used to murder copious amounts of bad guys. So many bad guys.

While the child laughs with Glee, Gleeful as meant burn and take their last breath. He participates. He fires. He's like, I want a chance to end the consciousness of sentient beings. And Johnson is like, just don't tell your dad. And he's like, my man, my first time a beer. Johnson, all but turns to this kid and it's just like, you ready to take another man's life little dude?

Yeah. It's fun. But anyways, they drive cars for a tremendously long time. It's really boring. But at the end of it, they're cornered, which means John Cena has no choice but to do the only thing he can, which is spin his car in a circle so that his nephew goes flying out of his car and into Dom's car. And then suicide bomb himself into the bed. So that his nephew goes flying out of his car and into Dom's car. Yeah. And then suicide bomb himself into the bed.

You are sad. I love John Cena. You are missing a critical moment before this. That is to me, my favorite moment in the entire film, which is the reason John Cena has to sacrifice himself is because he's car gets hit by fucking something at some point, right? And he turns to Donnie's that they're driving at the same speed. He turns to Donnie and many goes, my fuel lines cut. I can't make it. And Tom goes, stay with me. And John Cena, who like has to like reiterate, like I can't like, I don't know. It's not faith, man. Like it's a, I realized I, so all of

a sudden something occurred to me. What if, hear me out? Yes. What if Dom Toretto is actually one of those guys who pretends to know a lot about cars? Oh, I like that. Right, like what? Do you mean like you? Exactly. Yeah.

What if Johnson was like, my fuel line's kind of dumb was like, just hit the carburetor. You're gonna make it, John. Youuretor. You're going to make it. John. It's all about the coaching. Would have been Diesel's character knows fucking nothing about Carson for the past 11 movies has just been like, you got a, you really got to check the oil on that new Mazza Raffer.

And that's why everyone applauds him when he gets there. So the leave his cars alone. He's like, time for me to check out your Tushy car. And they're like, no, man, I'm too busy clapping for you. And he's like, oh, that's why the car and the garage is never finished. But then he does stop. But then he dies. But Rachel, I've got great news for you. Yeah. I spoke to the writers of fast 11 through 13. Yeah. John Cena is not dead. To promise. I can't promise much. Look me in my eyes. I'm not in your art. The windows to your soul. Yeah, John Cena. Yeah, live another day. Okay. He's in the he's part of the family. It's immortal. Yeah. Okay. So this car chase it ends at the top of a damn

Which damn a damn none of your business in Portugal doesn't matter But this is exactly what Jason Mamoa wanted so to be clear, I just want to go over Jason Mamoa's plan. I'm going to threaten Dom Toretto. Dom Toretto is going to come to my vision board warehouse. I'm going to have him arrested by Jack Reacher. Yep. Jack Reacher is going to fly him to Portugal, a place he already wanted to go. But before he gets there, I'm going to start to chase his son

and his long-awaited brother with my gang of criminals. He will kill X amount of them, but they will still end up on top of this damn. The place they will go while I chase them is this damn, is this damn in Portugal. The setup is that is that Dom and his son are in a car and Jason Mamoah has two giant trucks full of fire. We have the explosion. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. To come on either side of him and he's like,

what are you gonna do now? And Dom's like, I've literally flown a car into space. I'm gonna drive it off the edge of this fucking dam. Nope, I don't know, but probably something with my car. Yeah, I probably would not do. He let me know. Actually, the line was the one thing you forgot to take away from me, my vehicle.

And I'm like, I, I, that made me so sad because I knew that there were men in the audience watching this movie and like, I'm the same way. I'm the same way. You leave me my car. I can do anything. You leave me my car. I'm going to do meth in the backseat of it. That's just how I am.

That's what I told the cops. They said, you can't do crack it Walmart. And I said, but you left me my car. You left me my car. And then I drove through the front window and now I'm in jail watching fast and the best part of that fucking scene with Momoa, though, is that Momoa is like, Momoa is like, I've got you. You think that you've beat me.

I've got you right where I like, you're exactly where I intended you to be, which is after he kidnapped Dom's son, then lost Dom's son as Dom got his son to jump out of his car into his through the open door using nothing but centrifugal force. Yeah. All of which was part of Mamo's master plan. Yeah. So they get to the bottom of the dam and Mamo is like, huh?

Sorry, no, to be clear, you're skipping how this happened. And the answer is Jesus Christ of Nazareth. Oh my God. And we forget the fucking cross scene. Yeah. The kid is like, Dad, here's what you got to do. Family, Jesus Christ, faith, look at the cross, Jesus Christ. And then he jumps off the dam, they drive off the dam. Yeah. Flies through the air, steering while he's pulling through the air. He's steering.

He's steering. Yeah, obviously. How is does he know where he's going? He steers himself in free fall onto the side of the vertical side of the dam and hits the nods so that he goes on. He's driving vertically down it. Yes. And then there's a very ornate curly cue area that he can drive back up again. Yes. That what happened and shoots into the water safely because of Jesus. I thought because because the CGI was so bad in that scene.

It was so bad. I thought what had happened. I'm going to tell you my version of events. Take us there. I thought what had happened is that they are driving down the dam and then because the force is so great, Dom's necklace broke, the crucifix on his neck broke and went through the like the air vent. You should do drugs less often.

I thought it went through the, so because there's like this weird CGI shot where it's like you follow the cross on his necklace, right? Yes. And I thought it went through the air vent into the engine and supercharged the, I thought the cross had somehow. Oh, Jesus. Is the knot. You thought the cross was the knot. He's the knot. Seriously, Moishi, this makes this pulls together the entire film franchise.

The knot solves everything. Jesus is the knot. I think that's right. Guys, I'm buying crosses the knots.com. Nause is the Christ figure. We're going to sell crosses the knot. You own too many websites. T-shirts.

We're going to sell crosses the NOS or chitris Christ. This is the new Jesus didn't tap. You know how I power, you know how that power angel killed himself. We're taking up his mantle watching and legacy. We've crosses the NOS.com Jesus didn't know Jesus didn't know. No crosses the NOS.com. I love that you're still working though creatively. I appreciate that anyways the damn blows up the end Laterally the end so to be clear Mamoa rigged the whole damn to explode also earlier Yes, he put many bombs along the damn now

I want to be super clear Eli. I need you to promise me something else Because otherwise I'm gonna be sad to promise? His son made it through that gigantic explosion. 100% there are two more movies minimum, but they wouldn't do it without them, right? Without Vin Diesel. Yeah. Without Vinifer Diesel. Yeah, you promise. Yeah.

Paul Walker is alive. So are these people in this movie. Absolutely. Vinegar Diesel would never let anything happen to his family. To his family. Are you crazy? Even when one of his family died in real life, they're still alive in the movie. No, they wouldn't. Oh, also, we should point out all the sidekicks, they're playing crash, but even the movie didn't pretend they're dead. They were like, don't worry, that we fight. You promise. Yes. And you know,

I know because Gal Gadot picks up Charlize Thoreau and letty in a submarine in a nuclear submarine. Was she in one of the movies? I forgot that they were saved at the end of this movie by the Israeli army. Yeah, it's a weird one to walk away. Here's my question about that scene, by the way. What was their plan? Because they're a man, who's plan? It reminded me of the scene in Aladdin, not to bring it back to Aladdin, but It reminded me of the scene in Aladdin, not to bring it back to Aladdin, but it reminded me of the scene in Aladdin where Jafar throws Aladdin and he just takes the carpet and just immediately zooms back to agribus. Yeah. Like what were that? Was that the plan? They were just going to walk in their

room. No, the plan was that Gal Gadot was going to pick them up. They knew that was going to happen. I think Charlize knew that because Galino shows up in this like giant submarine thing that emerges from the ice and she turns to Leti and she's like, leave me now that I have a good plan, girlfriend. Okay, so that was the end of the movie. Gal Gadot with a nuclear submarine picked them up in Antarctica. Yep. And then I'm hoping there's going to be some kind of like fast car thing with a nuclear submarine in the next movie somehow.

Well, there was one in seven, so maybe they'll bring it back. Yeah, they've done it. They did it. And they did it. But there's one more thing we have to talk about. It's very important. Did you watch the post credits? Yeah. I literally watched it to make sure nobody had actually died. Tell me. Tell me the post credit. The most important thing in the post credits

is that somebody's back. You like would you like to say who's back? Who will be back for movie 12? The Cross. The rock. Dwayne Johnson. Dwayne the rock Johnson. Dwayne the rock Johnson everybody. I love him. Will he be, will he be back for 12? I thought he was just going to be in a new hot that we're going to do Hobbes and Shaw too. Oh, they're going to do that too. He appeared in the end credits and that's all that matters.

But he will be back in fast 11 and probably more Hobbes and Shaw if I had to guess. He had a feud going with Vin Diesel for like four movies in a row now. So they weren't together. I guess they buried the hatchet and now he's coming back. I think it's bullshit. You think it's like constructed? I think that's totally made up. I think it's constructed. You don't think so. I don't think it's good for the brand. I don't know why they would do it. Why would they do that if it's good for the brand. I don't know why they would do it. It's not good for the real. Nah, reconciliation. You think it's their pay fat? They're pretending one of the guys isn't dead.

Like they don't, this is not a brand that's on conflict. Yeah, no. These movies all end with a barbecue. That's true. Except this one. And that's why I left feeling so sad because I didn't have the barbecue ending.

But here's the good news. I agree, Joel. Yeah. Eventually, three movies from now because this conclusion will be three movies. There will be a barbecue. You brought me. And you know who will be there. If not, can we have a barbecue?

If not, can we have a barbecue? We're having a barbecue. Okay. All right, before we close it, before we close it, I want to ask you a question, what you think is about to happen. So they have to escalate from there for two more movies. They already did fast cars in outer space. They've done nuclear submarines and Antarctica.

Where do they go in the next one? So I have one in mind and I didn't write it down because I'm so proud of it. I didn't want Jason to steal it, more she to steal it. I think it's going to go the opposite direction, not big, but small. Allah, the magic school bus. Allah, us Moses Jones. I think they're gonna go inside a human body with a car and swim around in the Veritas, pay.

Rachel, mind blown. This is amazing. Okay, so I think I actually don't think they're gonna go inside a person with a car. I think they're going to become the cars. I think it's going to be like a huge like the movie cars like like transformers. You know, you see Kevin, Kevin Smith's, Walrus, Miss cars, right? Like ludicrous turn gets turned into a car and then these all goes inside him. Yeah, it's transformers. It's like a three movie series where we slowly realize that the entire 11 movie series

of Fast and the Furious has been a prequel to Disney's cars. That's where I, that's where I live. That's where it's watching that. Those are two great options. I'm going to take the easy one. I'm going to say the next three movies are just the movie bridesmaids. Okay.

Word for word. Yep. Line for line. But with Vin Diesel. But with Vin Diesel. Absolutely. As all the characters playing all the parts in different ways in like an Eddie Murphy situation.

Eddie Murphy style. Cool. Cool. Yep. All right. All right. Love it. I think we've given them a lot to work with. That's going to do it for fast 10 But that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we found another terrible movie for next week

Although I shouldn't say another because that was amazing Eli What's on deck? Well, he's after the highs of this high there's only one man that can ease us back down from pure ecstasy I'm talking of course about the banana man himself Ray comfort will be watching from pure ecstasy. I'm talking of course about the banana man himself. Ray Comfort will be watching evolution versus God. Great. All right. With that to look forward to, we're going to wrap it up. Huge thanks to Rachel and Moishi for joining us. Thanks for being on watching this movie on Preview Night. Awesome. Would you like to announce anything you're doing in your lives? You all do a bunch of magic around New York City, anything like that. I'll be performing at the McKitrick Hotel for speak easy magic.

You can find information about that on my website, as well as the slipper room and I'll also be frequently crying in Eli's living room as I write my own show. So you can catch me there on zoom as well, weeping into his pug. Excellent. I will be performing also at the McKitcher Hotel fairly regularly. You can find that online on the same link. And he's really busy. And I also perform regularly at the Soho House, so you can find that on my website as well. Fantastic.

And of course, a big thanks to our Patreon donors for all the generosity. If you'd like to help support the show, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash godawful. And I'll get your early access to an ad free version of every episode. And if you enjoyed this show, you should check out our sibling shows, the scathing atheist, citation needed, the skepticrat, and dnd minus. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email godawfulmoviesatgmail.com, our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of Evil Giraffes on Mars, although

the music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Rachel, Moishie and Eli, I'm Heath, promise to work hard, turn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the Animal House Close. Chat GBT went on to write every future movie starring Vin Diesel. Hahaha. This franchise already has over $6 billion in total box office. None of the people who died in this movie stayed dead. Except for that guy in the race.

He's probably still there. 40 years from now, Paul Walker is still in these movies CGIed over the face of his great, great grandmothers. Hahaha. Walker is still in these movies, CGIed over the face of his great, great- an outro. Oh, I'm so sorry. I just got really excited about the next scene. I apologize. I'm done talking about that one. Hey, he can we cut the interstitial there where Rachel just goes. Act to now. there where Rachel just goes back to now. And then we'll just go into the ads. I think that's great. Go, works.

Mix it up. Jason stopped texting. Jason's the fucking nuts. Okay. I was thinking about texting. I just texted you. How's the record?

I've been sending Eli memes this entire time. This entire time, that makes sense. Jason's taking a FaceTime call. I'm not taking a FaceTime. I just thought it was funny that my phone did ring with a FaceTime after you said that, but I didn't take it. We should keep going. I just want to announce that I didn't interrupt the phone with this call that I could have

taken. Hey Jason, if you're bored, you can make jokes about this movie with us. I've got it. But you can make them. That's how you can keep yourself entered. Three, two, one, go. All right. 23 all rights reserved.