God Awful Movies - 408: In Jesus Name

Episode Date: June 13, 2023

This week, Cara Santa Maria joins us for an atheist review of In Jesus Name, the directorial debut of Ashley Wright (The Badge, The Bible, and Bigfoot, et al). And it does just as swimmingly as you'd expect. Check out more from Cara on the Talk Nerdy podcastIf you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

He's a park ranger and we know that because when we first see him he's looking at his computer desktop and it's got the word park ranger Tiled all over it as well I mean I'm looking at my screen now. It just says podcast I don't forget what's happened Do you know how we know that he is the bad guy? How's that, here I am. Because in the subtitles, it literally says bad guy, Colin, and then it says his life.

Not awful. Movie. Movie. Movie. Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be Miles to my immediate left is my ooing friend, he then right heath, welcome back. Pat Robertson died. Yeah, isn't that nice? He's dead. He's finally all the way melted. Stupid.

Now Eli's on vacation this week. He's celebrating that death, but in his stead, we're happy to welcome back the host of the talk nerdy podcast Kara Santa Maria, Kara welcome back. Yay. Come on. She's responding to the movie. Right family films. Get excited.

To be fair. Yeah, this one was like, you guys went easy on me this week. Yeah. Yeah. It's short and stupid. It's the perfect film. Right. So true.

All right. So Heath, you've already hinted at it, but let's make it official. What would be breaking down today? We watched in Jesus' name. They don't have an apostrophe or like a Jesus, they don't know what they're doing with that, but it's in Jesus' name. It's the right family.

It's the story of a Christian couple whose kid, I'm pretty sure walked in when they had a camera on a tripod and dad was wearing an evil mask and using the voice modulator for the kid neck. And they were like, we, they made this whole movie to cover the live that they came up with in that moment, which is gonna make our movies, Christian.

No, no, that's fair, that's fair. And Kara, how bad was this movie? Well, if you loved orphan black, but wish that we're done with no script on a $100 budget, you will love this movie. You're so, I don't know if they had a hundred. They did. You think?

You guys didn't see it? Oh, they had a hundred. You didn't see it. It wasn't in your notes. Oh, my God. Spoiler alert at the very end of the film. The last screen that they put up literally said, this movie was made with no script and a $100 budget.

Like, we love Jesus or something weird like that. I quoted it at the very end. Oh, well, I escaped the second that I could from this one. Okay, they did not stretch that $100 budget very well. This was filmed with a $100 budget and no script glory to God. That's what it said. What did they spend the $100 gas was a gas to get to those ribs. Right, not really right. They did have a get those ribs. Oh right. Not only right. They did have a lot of ribs. So yes.

So now this was apparently the right families first movie. So don't expect the kind of mature, sophisticated filmmaking that we got in badge Bible big foot. This is where they're still raw. They're still learning their craft. So is anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah, I'm going to go with best worst showing us every single moment of like walking from

a car, you building, and from a building to hallways of buildings. I feel like Ashley and David Wright don't have object permanence. And like, okay. Like, they were watching the rough draft that like an editor made for them on like, I movie and a cut happened to a new scene and they're like, how the fuck do we get there? What are you doing?

And they like took over the editing and reshot a bunch of walking between every single thing. It is so sweet that you thought they actually had an editor. Right, right, right. No. I'm pretty sure it was their 10 year old who's like, I know I'm moving. Here's got it. Yeah. No, Peter Jackson asked this movie to tone down all the fucking walking. So I'm going to go with this is such a minor thing, but it's just going to live in my fucking mind forever. Now, best worst stone skipping. Thank you. I was so triggered by this moment. Bold statement.

I think that David Wright failed at stone skipping harder than we have ever seen a Christian actor fail at anything other than acting or morality. It was so bad. It was so fucking bad. He was like, it was like, it was three-pointer with the brick. It was amazing He does so terribly at it and they show it to us. I don't know why they would show it in their movie And then he tries to gaslight us about him having skipped a stone while we watched him not You can't gaslight a movie audience

You can just hit rewind. We're watching with our eyes, man. I got it. No, the fuck. Yeah, I think for me, it was literally just best, worst, make it up as we go along. Like I did middle school projects that were more thorough than this. Sure. That had like more of a linear kind of script.

It was not good. This could have been a shoe box diorama and a better movie. Hahaha. Hahaha. This movie was an argument for why you have to have a script in the first place, right? Yes.

Because over and over again, they're just going to like, oh yeah, no, we'll just improvise a scene here where we're talking about how much we love each other. I love you. Me too. Really? You're gonna do it like curb. You guys need the two of you are gonna do it like curb enthusiasm.

You're just gonna nail it on the improv. It was really validating for me at the very end when I saw that screen because the whole film, I was like, they're just making this up, right? They're just, they're just doing this. Yes, they are. It was okay. All right. All right, well, two, I think we all need a minute

to prepare before we revisit this trauma. So we're gonna take a quick break. We'll be back with all the fidgety camera pans that are in Jesus' name. But without an apostrophe, so not an apostrophe, that's a furious. I don't know what the hell it even needs. Hey podcast listener, the following are verbatim transcripts of text conversations

that I've had with my dad in the past two years. How do I change the batteries on my Oculus controllers? Like changing any battery, I guess here's a video link. How do I watch the video? How do I text your sister on this thing? You mean the thing you just texted me with? Yes. Why won't my laptop come on?

I don't know, is the battery charged? I don't think it takes batteries. And even with his boomerian grasp of modern technology, I'm excited to send him an aura frame for Father's Day this year. It's the Wi-Fi connect the digital frame that allows you to put all your photos including random camera roll pics in a place where he can actually see them. It's the perfect Father's Day gift. And aura frames were named the number one best digital frame by Wirecutter, the strategist,

and Wired, and their guaranteed to make dad or grandpa smile every single day. And they come with free, unlimited storage that allows you to instantly frame photos and videos from any device. You can invite the whole family in on the fun through the free or a app. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that'll display as soon as the frame is connected. But best of all, your dad can actually use it no matter how tech savvy he isn't.

Orra set us frames to try and sending them up took all the two minutes. It was so easy and they also look great. Honestly, my sister-in-law didn't even realize she wasn't looking at a photo until the picture changed. And right now, Orra has a great deal for Father's Day. on Friday night. who's still pretty sure 3D printing is witchcraft. Alright, y'all. Welcome to the first ever writers room meeting for In Jesus Name. Oh, ma'am, this is a Wendy's. What are you doing? Mr. I paid for this sprite, and that means I get to use this table as long as I want. Whatever. Fine.

Praise Jesus. The Lord provides. Like Wendy's provides. I heard that. Anyway, so this movie's going to be a humble family effort to elevate the name of the Lord. We're just going to let God provide and we're going to use our efforts to glorify his name. Praise Jesus. We ain't going to have no big budget or no fancy camera. We don't need him.

We won't have no professional actors. You don't need those when you got family. We won't have no cinematographers. Don't even know what that word means. We ain't going to have no lighten, no boom mics, no tripods. Again, I feel like we should have some of that stuff. We ain't gonna have no script. I mean, those are free.

We ain't gonna have no plot, no character development and no quality. None of that. None at all. Um, so what will we have, though? The love of that. None at all. Um, so what will we have though? The love of Christ. Mm-hmm. Anything else? Well that and however many packets of mayonnaise I can put in my purse before the stingy assistant manager calls the cops on us again. Nice. Get catch up, too. We can make the house in Ireland. So good.

So good. And we're back for the breakdown. We're going to open things up on a lady walk it through a cemetery despite the fact that we're not establishing that anyone died or anything. There's no reason for it. Oh, yeah.

We're just gonna walk around in a cemetery at the beginning of this. We see it again later for no reason. Toei. Yeah. Oh, that's right, yeah. Is this just a date spot for the husband and wife? I mean, like, that's cool.

I like cemeteries, so. Yeah, sure. I guess. The coolest thing about them now that I think about it. Right, yeah, honestly. Okay. So, yeah, so she's walking through a cemetery. We're getting what I described as funeral warm up piano. Right. So the generic shit that they play as you're walking in. It's like metra, gnome, and poor and here and left hand, right hand. It's like me dancing of Hannah. So okay, for those of us who are

just joining God awful movies for the first time or those of us who are me who have forgotten all the things you've said to me in the past. But you please explain who the right family is. I have great question. I see a but they made a movie once called the bad, the Bible, and big foot. They sure did. And we couldn't resist that. And then once we saw that, we fell in love with them. But yeah, this is a family that makes these movies on a, it would be an insult to shoe strings to say shoe string budget, right? Like I have better shoe strings than this movie. No, they had no budget. But yeah, they make these like, they make like 14 of these movies a year. Yeah, they make so many. They've made a series or two.

They made a bunch of movies. There's one with like a killer B in Washington, D.C. that we're definitely going to do at some point. They have a lot. How many have we have you guys covered on on Gantt? I think this is the third. This is three. Yeah, this is our third. Okay. But this is their first movie. So we're going back to the basics. So it's extra bad. Yeah, you're getting them fresh. This is them in like raw talent of their cinematic dreams.

Yeah, before they sold out, yeah. Yeah, they got pretty, pretty, you know, glitzy later on. So yeah, so and also, by the way, I didn't know there was a worst headstone in the world until I saw they, they showed this one with the cross on it, but it's all diagonal and poking out like a kid's book. It's weird. It feels like somebody who was carving it was like, I can't fit the cross unless I go diagonal and nobody was like, no, you can make it smaller

and not diagonal. Now, they're like, they're fucking dead. They will know. Right, yeah, that's fair. It's fine. So yeah, and then this movie was produced directed by Ann Starring, just this family, because they are the only people involved.

And the children's names are Scout and Cadence. Yes. Yes. Yes, fair are Scout and Cadence. So millennial. Yeah, yeah. Scout and Cadence. To Kill a Mockingbird reference and then also Cadence. I don't think it's a Kill a Mockingbird reference. My friend has a dog name Scout and apparently that's also a car. Interesting.

Okay. I think that that's probably what they were going. That makes sense though. Yeah. And a bigoted thing for kids to learn not times. Yeah. Exactly. I'm not going to give them the scout finch benefit of the doubt here.

I'm not. Oh, so wait a minute. So like, I have to point this out at there's a point because we're just establishing her walking down a fucking cemetery, whatever. There's a point where she like leans over and tries to like catch some leaves as they're flying by. She thinks, oh, you know, it would be playful. Wait, that doesn't work. That's not a thing that people do. I see why now, right? Like it was a snowflake. She might as well have like got down on the ground and tried to like

with her tongue catch the blow and leave along the ground. Is she a child? No, we can't blame her. Like to be fair, this movie, nothing happens. He's running this movie. He's just rolling because you also, you'll realize as we unfold that each scene, if there's only one, two, or three people, the fourth person is holding the iPhone. Yes.

But if all four people are in the scene, the iPhone is propped up on a table. I, this is very, very clear. Yeah, it's an I iPhone. So at this point, she's just, you know, the husband is just going like, do stuff. Right. Right. Yes. Not that, not that. That's crazy. Get back up. Don't do that. We're keeping it, but don't. But eventually the husband meets her in the cemetery and, and as Kara has already alluded to, we only see one of them at a time. We shot a sea shot at him saying, Hey, on and then a separate shot of her saying, Hey, bye, baby. Yeah. Well, it's insane. They're like, hello, we've arrived. Okay, let's both leave

for the next scene. Cool. Right. No reason for the scene. No, he's like, he's like, I knew I'd find you here in the cemetery. Okay. Also, we have to put this up because there's a moment where they're walking away. I guess they got one of the kids to hold the camera for this one, but they're walking away. And very clearly, they've got like one lap helmet on him and she's trying to kind of lean over and speak do it. The audio and this is so bad. It's great. So, okay, so that we cut from there and don't ever expect the transitions to make sense in this. Like if you expect that you're just going to be disappointed, we cut from there to dad stopping by.

He's got the two daughters in the car. He's stopping by the home depot to get mom a valent instead of presents. Okay, that's come on. If you've seen this man's physical appearance, that tracks perfect. Oh yeah. No, I think I bet it's gonna say live laugh, love on it.

So, I'm here. It's nice little Saturday going to home depot. Get a valentine. So romantic pick up. So if I want a valentine to stay present present from my wife at Home Depot and have to add her shovels so she could bury me with it when I got home. To be fair, he does probably pick the best thing you could get somebody from Home Depot.

It's sad. Right. No, if that was like an assignment in a reality show to find the most romantic thing at the Home Depot, he knew. They found it orchid. I want an orchid. Yeah. Yeah.

Right. So. So have you guys been watching Barry? That's a great show. I haven't seen the last I've seen the first couple seasons. Oh, no, but you haven't been seeing the final season. No. Okay.

So I mean, no spoilers here, but in the final season, they are in like Whitsack, like they're in witness protection. And they're, their family is, I feel like the rights, although this is probably older, like, or maybe the writers of Barry, like, saw this for somehow. And we're like, let's make them like this family. Yeah, Barry, the final season, I read in an article

that it's an homage to the this family. Yeah, Barry, the final season, I read in an article that it's an homage to the right family. That's what Haters said. Also, and I have to point this out because like there's not much going on in this movie. I so I have to point everything out between them pulling up at the Home Depot and then walking into the Home Depot. There's like a 49 second cut of just mom sitting at home reading the Bible. Yeah, like wrapped in an afghan.

Yes, yeah. Seriously, they read it in the movie. For I count, it's 22 full seconds of silence. That's crazy. She doesn't even move. It's not quite silence because you can like hear the air conditioner. Right.

Right. That's like so bad. And I'm so glad that there are subtitles because as we have established that they just fully forgot to hire a sound designer or editor like anyone. But the subtitles are classic, so I will periodically be pointing out what the subtitles say. Well, you know, the movie is missing an apostrophe in its title. So I wasn't expecting that. Okay.

And he picks out an orchid here that has like the plastic around it. And I'm pretty sure they put the lapel mic on the plastic. Oh my god. For that to happen. It was so aggressively. The subtitle says parenthesis crinkling plastic. It was like, it's like every time you've ever tried to open a bag in a silent room, it was back plastic somehow. Yeah.

So, okay. So we cut back home. Mom's still reading her Bible. Dad shows up with his little droopy fucking Charlie Brown or get for, right? Oh and he's like, I'm gonna get ready for our big date that's gonna happen off camera. She's like, I will play the guitar and sing for no reason. So we just get like a two minute musical number from Ashley Wright. Yeah, she is, she's a polymath and an artist of all types. Oh, yes. Her own clearly written, she wrote it bio on IMDB is like director, writer, dancer, artist

of all types, went to the moon, invented the bag. And like, she's like, I will play guitar now. I'm amazing at it. And next to her, as she's playing like mediocre guitar, there's a Bible and a K-po, right? This is the perfect fucking metaphor for every Christian movie we've ever seen. My favorite part of the scene is that like we can't just watch your play guitar for the whole song, right? So we cut away to dad, like rummaging through his weird closet to pick out one of seven button down shirts and then he puts on his button down shirt and comes downstairs and he's like, okay, I'm

ready. You ready? And she's like, yeah, let me just grab my shoes. So he gets ready. And she wears an afghan. I thought that was weird. I thought that was a throw that was supposed to stay on the couch. I, yeah. Like what? I just love he comes down in his fancy, does that one button down that comes all the way down to his belt. Yeah. So, and they go out to eat and we're like,

oh, okay, so we're going to get a scene of them going on a date. Nope. No. We're going to cut straight from there to them laying in bed together. The bed is comically small. And that's, by the way, it's a literal cut from that. Are you ready to go? Let me grab my shoes in bed. Yes. Like, there's nothing in between. It's so sad. It's again, it's a perfect metaphor. It's like, we're going to go on an awesome date bed together. No space sweating against each other's fat, just hating it to go on an awesome date bed together, no space sweating against

each other's fat, just hating it. Fully dressed. Connie, I found they're, but they're literally both reading the Bible separate copies of the Bible side by side. And one's like, I found another Bible verse that we can talk about instead of having sex together. So I'm married. It's probably a big mistake between the two of us.

We're not allowed to divorce because of the culture. And to your point, Noah, like, comically small bed, I, the whole time I was like, oh, it's like relativity. Like, is this a twin size bed or is he just an enormous man? Oh, I can't tell. No, you're right. Both. Yeah.

Because they were, shoulder to shoulder and their shoulders were like, like dripping off the size of their bed. And then I was thinking, they don't have a budget. This is just their actual. Right. That's the sad thing they said. Like subway commuters. Yeah. It's nearly I hated everything in the room. The size of the bed most, but there's also a giant plaque that says amazing grace on it. It's taking up the entire side table. There's only one side table in this room because you can't fit another one on the other side of this tiny bed bet you a million dollars that is an Ashley right original. I bet you

a million dollars she painted that. Yeah. Also, what's on the one side table? A comically large bottle of hand lotion. Yes. Oh, yeah, I got excited about that. I was like, Oh, okay. Yeah, but she was just that's honest. They're just they're just putting it right there. They use that sometimes. No. And then she put it on her hands. And it was like a whole part of the scene for no reason. Yeah, I was taking this bottle of hand lotion

and like mechanically squirting it into her hands. It's like they were trying to establish like this is not here for sex stuff. It's for hands. It's hand lotion. Yeah. So and then he said, this is their pillow talk. This is amazing. He says to her. And again, this is not scripted. This is just them improvising pillow talk. He says, God's been putting it on my heart to spend more time with you and not so much time at work. And she goes, that was a fancy dinner we had with lobster ravioli. Oh, and I'm like, oh, y'all went to the Olive Garden. Fancy. Don't fucking hate on the Olive Garden. I hate it the Olive Garden yesterday. So yeah, I can't do much. We're the same. So, and then, and then he reads the, um, but God is numbered every hair on your head passage

and he's bald. That's funny. Laryng. It's so funny. She even goes, she goes, you still have and then you can, oh, she almost says dot, dot, dot, she does not finish the sentence because she looks up and she's like, nice, Megan Tell. He doesn't have any. She has to stop.

She's like I can see nope. Uh, pores, I can see pores on your stupid bald face. Yeah, she used the word pores. She didn't say like hair follicle she said, but you've got pores. I'm like what are they talking about? What is that? What is this movie? like hair follicles she said, but you've got pores. I'm like, what are they talking about? What is a app? What is this movie?

This is them going like fuck improvs, a lot harder than curved made it look shit. Pretty, no, you're just doing Larry David now. That's nothing to do with our scene. Much rather watch that. She's like, God sure has rescued us a lot. And he's like, yep, he never forsakes us through the entire movie. And that's the end of the scene. Oh God. And then they do the sad couple thing of like, all right, go to sleep on

three. One, two, three, no sex. You want to see them have sex? Well, that's true. Yeah, right. We're safe. So now it's, it's the next day, the whole family's going to go out to the park. Well, dad has a surprise from they don't know that they're going to the park yet, right? God, and he's wearing a fucking red socks hat. Just make things a little worse. Yeah. So and by, and of course, they have to use separate shots for Ashley and the daughters leaving than they used for him leaving because who would hold the fucking camera if they all four walked out Ashley that doesn't even make sense. Yep. Yep. And now we have to

meet them movies villain, right? And he's a park ranger and we know that because when we first see him, he's looking at his computer desktop and it's got the word park range or titled all over it as wallpaper. I mean, I'm looking at my screen now. It just says podcast or podcast or podcast or podcast. Just to make sure I don't forget what's happening. Do you know how we know that he is the bad guy? How's that here?

Because in the subtitles, it literally says bad guy. How's that here? Because in the subtitles, it literally says bad guy, Colin, and then it says his lies. Okay, but also he has the voice modulated things. So because it's fucking David right. Right. Right. Do other character and he like couldn't do any kind of slightly different voice. Any other voice would have been fine, but they were like, no, we're going to have to use the thing. So it's him just on a call being like, yeah, I know.

Yes, I'm going to look at it says park Ranger park Ranger park Ranger. And I was like, okay, he's talking to a kidnapper, but no, he's the bad guy. We're getting the voice modulator on the side. We're watching, just that they couldn't come up with any other voice. Do you think maybe Ashley Wright just thinks that's what kidnappers sound like? The she doesn't realize they're using a machine? A hundred percent.

There's no question. So like the other kidnappers, when he calls them later, are like a deeper voice. Yeah, right. Like, even the train of command. Yeah. So, yeah, it's literally like the kid using a voice modulator versus David Wright using the right. Right.

Yeah. That's the difference. So, yeah, but so he's talking to his kidnapping partners. Apparently, he's part of a kidnapping ring and they're like, hey, we need more kidnapped girls. And he's like, all right, I'm on that. You're giving it way too much credit, by the way, none of those things actually happen. No, you've got to figure that out in retrospect.

Like, this is my biggest problem with this film, Come the Fuck On. But like, one of the things that infuriates me about this film is there's no reason for the entire kidnapping, like, subplot. Nope. Like, it's not developed at what is the perfect people don't just kidnapped for kidnap sake. Que bono. Thank you. So also the here's my biggest problem with the entire fucking movie though is that at the end of this scene David Wright picks up a very real handgun. You know, like does some handgun stuff with it to just so we established that the

bad guy's got a gun. But that means that like this family is just allowed to own firearms and that reminder scares the shit out of me. This family is a hundred percent owns lots of firearms. Oh, yeah. That is not a question in my mind. There are a lot to vote. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. They do all the things. We also could we have to get some of Heath's best worse. So he leaves. He has to walk from his office to his park ranger truck. He's in a hoodie that obscures the fact that he's obviously David right. And by the way, we should point out the David right is not a normally shaped human, right? He's this enormous guy with gigantic fucking biceps and he's perfectly round somehow.

So it's like obvious in a hoodie that it's here. And he has a huge bushy beard so they had to put the weird black half face mask in over him and sunglasses like the unibomber. Also, I don't know if you guys noticed, I mean, how could you not? Like, he walks for 99% of this film, but he's like sort of got a limp too.

Yeah, he's a bad guy and the good guy have like the same gate. The same to stay to the top. What if we flip the screen left got leg limp right leg. There you go. But yeah, they just show him walking to his, you know, jeep, the park ranger jeep. I thought it was going to say park ranger all over the one. Well, what I love is you got to imagine they probably just drove around that park all goddamn day waiting to find a park park ranger truck that he could walk up to for the purpose of the shop. That's how every like yes, we will see this multiple times.

Yeah, there's a shot where he's talking to a cop and you're just like, they just stopped and asked that man for directions. Every one of these scenes ends with okay get out of here. Get the sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. And then okay, so they're driving to the park together. The family is it we are going to be treated along the way to the least artful montage of nature shots in history. These could have been chosen at random, right? They were. They were. Right, yeah, no, honestly. But eventually though, Ashley runs out of piano improv,

so they arrive at the hiking trail. There's this amazing moment at the map. They all walk up to the hiking map. And Ashley says, the mom says, what trail should we take today? And then nobody responds for a really long time. So eventually she just answers her own quest. It's the best. Because they're all, they don't have a script. They're all like, yes.

I'm not sure how we visually decide how we panic on the line map cut. And that's they, they're like, yeah, we'll hike well hike well hike there. Yeah, in the that one that one. Okay, and here's something else that drives me fucking bonkers about this. This is a family of four. The two daughters are what would you say like nine and eleven? Yes, I don't like that. Yeah. Something like that. So a father, a mother, and a nine and eleven year old daughter, sort of dressed appropriately. It does look much colder outside than how they're dressed, but okay, we'll let that go. They don't have anything on their person,

not even a single bottle of water. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, take a bottle of water with me when I walk down the road to the door. I don't understand. All right. As a person that's basically never more than like eight feet away from his first aid kit, that really triggered this shit out of right. Oh, bad father. Bad. I think there's survivalists. They live off the land. They just have like a little dropper of iodine to get water out of any source. They're fine. So explain to me how that works. I think you could put iodine in like stream water and it's fine. There is. There is an iodine solution you could use for that. Yes. I thought for a second, I was like, shit, Karen's telling me that. I just made that up. She probably does. The way you word it is like you could just drop Iadina Yeah, I don't like it like water

You can conge your water from a rock and I and I and I and Kara Oh, I just confirmed So and then okay, so we just had this Right it was weird that you picked 9 and 11 for the kids ages right like I Want to say anything right by the way guys by the way guys I have so many five star reviews I saw say that I did not let this one of them was like chip fuel camp burn this Sorry, okay. Or did you? So then, okay, so I'm the way to the trail.

We got this long piano montage of nature shots. Once they get on the trail, we're gonna get a long guitar solo montage of nature shots, totally different. And then at the end of this, Dad's gonna show his daughters how to skip stones. Yeah, I wrote my notes here. Like, didn't we already watch this scene? I feel like, through most of this film,

because the way that we write our notes is there are these like almost chapter markers, right? Like walks left or like, hey, what are you doing over there? Like a piece of dialogue. But this one was really tough for me to know where we were in the movie at any given time. Yeah. Because every scene was the same.

Right, because there are two consecutive different scenes where they throw rocks by a god-dam river while on a trail together as a family. Yeah. Like, they don't know either, Cara. They have no idea. It's so bizarre. They figured out, we'll go hiking there, and then there was a cut. And then you see them walking back to their car. And then being like, nope, we said we were hiking cut again. Yeah.

Walk into the woods. We're hiking is the editing. And now that's what they're doing. So baffling here and there. But I have to talk about so. So he's like, let me show you. I used to be a champion stone skipper. Now again, there's no script.

They could do whatever they want. If he doesn't know how to skip stones It's okay. No one has challenged him to skip a stone He skipped like if we asked Eli to skip a fucking stone I'm willing to bet real money that he would do better than David Wright managed in this moment this went worse He was just like I'm gonna skip my eye. I don't know how I threw a stone in my eye. He doesn't even aim down. Right? Like that's like, that's the lobster right? He does. It's like he's trying to hit a three pointer or something.

And he's like, well, that didn't work. And the little girls go in. It's real hard. I'm like, it's not though. It really is. We could do this. Yeah. And then he gas lights us in the movie. Yeah. He throws a lob shot with a rock. It plunks into the water. We're watching this happens. And he goes, bam, almost had it. And we're like, what the fuck? What do you mean? Almost mean there. It hit the water. I mean, yeah, you did contact the water, I suppose.

So you got one skip. Really that zero man though, it starts at zero in this game. This is a computer science situation. And then he does another lab and he's like, nice, got it. And again, we're watching, no, you didn't. Oh, no, you didn't. I added my notes and all caps, no, the fuck you didn't. We watched it on video. I was furious. Hey, you guys use a lot of all caps. Yeah. Fair. So, okay. So, and then we watched his kids

find shells by the river for like a while. Right? And then we cut to a separate scene. This is a different scene of the family by a different river throwing different rocks at different target. He's like, hey kids, gather around. I'm gonna foreshadow. I mean, show you how to throw rocks and establish that I'm very good at it for later.

Right? Just like David and Goliath. Yeah, this is a Christian movie. Oh, is this right after this is when the kids were like, Hey, look at that flimsy ice link and we jump up and down on it. And dad's like, let me check it out and look at it for one second and goes, seems fine. Visual. He checks it out like visually from a for one second and go, seems fine. Visual. Yeah.

Yeah. Like visually from a distance. Yeah, that looks like that's pretty solid. And then he's like, yes, nine and 11 year old daughters, go out on that ice flow. It'll be great. Yeah. No problem.

Yeah. So stupid. If you don't die of dehydration, let's die of hypothermia. Well, right, because we got to be super clear on this, because then they do. Right? Like in real life, they really do. do. And again, like if you want to play on I, the thing that you're supposed to do is actually break it open and measure it, you know, measure the thickness of it. He doesn't do anything like that. He doesn't even do

the old like throw a big heavy rock out there and see if it breaks through. He just walks up, looks at the ice and he's like, yeah, it's pretty white. And like, he's a big guy. Why doesn't he try stepping on it first? Sure. You know, like, sure. Like, you know, it holds me in a whole bunch of, it's out to be canaries in a cold or a ride. Hold on, I can skip a rock on ice. I bet. Let me try. I don't know that he could. That's water accounts. So, so yes, so the daughters go out and play on the ice. And by the way, we can hear from their footfalls that no, this is not safe, right? No, it's like crackling under.

No, we know that because the audio is so bad. I was terrified. I fell through the ice when I was a kid playing hockey at the lawns. Uh-huh. It's so scary. Yeah, really, really scary. And this is happening. And I was like, they're about to fall through.

This movie, I'm not going to be surprised if these kids fall through and they keep it because they don't know the stop button. And they get them out and then they do another scene. It was so scary. And again, he doesn't have, look at Chisley. He doesn't have like a, a, a, a, an icebreaker or anything there. He doesn't have a fucking rope. He doesn't have a bottle of water But of course the whole time hoody park range is also limping through the woods and by the whole time you mean one like one second

Yeah, yes to the woods. And by the whole time you mean one, like one second. Yes, we see. Wait, what? Oh, is that stop's going to happen? And he's wearing a hoodie for a Jesus Christ themed weightlifting club. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I wrote down what it says at one point. Yes. There's no pain, no gain on it. Like, okay. Yeah. It's like a no fear shirt. Right. Yeah. Raise your hand if you're surprised. This man owns a fucking Christian themed no pain, no gain weightlifting shirt, right? So, okay. So then they take their kids to the part of the park with the like, you know, swings

and shit like that on it, right? We watched that. I would have expected more if I was watching their home fucking movies, but this is a home movie. It was true. Yeah. Again, there's no script. I would have expected more if I was watching their home fucking movies, but this is a home movie. It was a thrill. Yeah. Again, there's no script. I love this moment though.

They told these two kids like, okay, just improvise that you're excited to go into the playground and they, the kids go like way too aggressively hard. Yeah. Let's go on the fucking seat song. And they're like, I just come down, relax, careful. There's your body. And dad's like, that's like, be careful over there by that engineered swing set. We wouldn't need to get her on the built playground. Right. He did say, God damn thing, where they were sliding around and fucking eyes, they

go to the season, he's like, careful girl. Yeah. So then there's this also this moment where the girls are running around and he's like gonna try to improvise having fun with the kids. He's like, oh, I'm gonna get you, get you, get you. Like you would with a three-year-old. So fucking creepy. Especially when he does it POV. He starts get you, get you, get you, get you. The camera and I'm like, I don't want you to fucking get me, man.

You do not have my firm consent for this. No. No. There's also a great moment here where they're trying to play around and he knocks his wife the fuck down. He goes to grab her. She falls into an impromptu split

and he almost says like not just in the movie, I'm for real. Sorry, honey. She fell way too hard and they like turned off the mic for her being like fuck. A lot of skin got pulled up. It's like a big flap of skin. They do that a few times in this movie if you're watching really closely like the audio will cut and you'll see their mouths move. And it's like, we didn't want whatever. They just said, don't be on camera. Yeah, Bill.

So, and then it starts to rain. So we watch them hide under a shelter. We are 18 minutes into a 60 minute movie at this point, by the way. Right? I felt like we'd been watching for an hour already. Oh my God. So yeah, so they go to hide under the shelter.

We cut to the hoodie creeper and he's walking into the lady's room. Yes, this is like a trans bathroom commentary. I feel like the I was at the very least I feel like in their minds like the place that women are in most danger is public restrooms, right? Like there's at least some of that echoing in this. Or like the place where women are in most dangerous places where men aren't allowed to lie out. Right. Because like we need men to keep us safe. Right.

The evil guy might as well be like, good thing there's no armed guard checking for a uterus right now. I'm in a bad room. I want to get in. Today. Yeah. So he goes and he hides in there. And then we watch the family wait out this race storm.

This is my favorite like failed improvisational moment, right? Because these two are supposed to just bam a dialogue between them about how much they love each other. He goes like, I love you no matter the way of their rain, snow, and then he runs out, right? You kind of panicked, but one's another. Gloom of night, I don't know another. And they try to, she tries to rescue him. She's like you said snow rain rain Sean

Sean shoes Phoenix tennis shoes Happy penguin The penguin the riddle riddles God and literally we're watching a rain delay in a movie. That's why we have to watch the flag. Why could they put a rain delay in their movie? They're filming rain and she goes, rain is a blessing.

I just, after that, I wrote my notes like, you know, you can just end the scene wherever you want, right? You don't know because it took them forever to prop their iPhone up. So all four of them could be right. You're right. Damn, if they were going to waste that shot. Yeah. So they're like, well, I guess we better leave the reins not letting up.

And mom's like, all right, but I have to go to the bathroom before we go. Mm-hmm. You know, tada tada tada. So her and one of the daughters go into the restroom, the doctor guy sneaks in behind her and grabs her. She goes, go away.

I don't, I don't know that I would do better with my abduction. Go away now, abduct her. That's weird when I said, all right. Go away.

Go out of me now. Go out, come back in. I want to try again. So my favorite is that he likes straight up bludgeon her. Kind of off camera, but like still you can see that he's like beating her grabs her, puts her in the truck, drives pretty far down the road. And then the daughter opens the bathroom stall and she's like, mom. Yeah. Yeah. Right.

Was she like, was she having like a seizure in there? Really? She just has no idea what's going on. Mom was yelling loud. Yeah. Go away. Right. Do not kidnap me.

And we have to point out, right? Like that there's no one else anywhere near them in this park. Right. So if he had a truck, they'd have seen the truck outside, right? Right? Mom, are you yelling for me to go away? It was weird, you said. You are.

He takes her in a truck away and the whole time they've established this because of course we have to see it. Do it. Say it. See it again. Uh-huh. We see dad watching the bathroom like a hawk. How did he not see this happening?

Did this guy sneak out of fucking window? What happened? And then, well, maybe the dad is so stupid. He's just like, oh, I wonder why that guy's carrying that lady that looks like my wife out of the bathroom. That guy looks like me. Yeah. Oh, that's probably me, it's probably.

So that the daughter runs out. She's like dad mom's been kidnapped so he runs into the bathroom to check Mom got put in a truck and he's like let's make sure of her. Oh, yeah, right the only place We know that she isn't as this bathroom No dad she got taken from there. You under you know from and to right. So anywhere else is better. All right. So I got you know what? A thing happened.

God damn it. That means we can take a break. But we'll be back in a minute with even more in Jesus name. Avot. Get your Avot right here. Fresh Avotee right here, fresh. Avotee. Hey, Heath, what are you doing? Oh, I'm obviously I'm selling Avocado toasts on the street.

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great. Let me ramp that up. I'll make the Avot at home too. And I'll sell it. And you have the skateboard so that you like, like seem like a millennial. I'll make the Avotee at home too and I'll sell it. And you have the skateboard so that you like seem like a millennial? I am a millennial. Technically it's on the edge. I am just a millennial. I'm a millennial. If you're looking to save money, why don't you just try Mint Mobile?

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go to mintmobile.com slash Gam. That's mintmobile.com slash GAM. Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash Gam. All right. But I guess I might as well sell the rest of my stock here. So Avotee, eight toots, I got eight toots, kick flip, also a skateboard kick. Oh, you hurt yourself. Yeah, yep, that's blood.

That's blood. Avotee though, it's, excuse me, miss, miss, Avotee. You want some Avotee? Yeah, you look like you forgot to have a midlife crisis 10 years ago. Yeah, fair enough, that's about right. Yeah, give me an Avotie. Nice.

Millennials. Oh. All right, so it's agreed. You kidnapped the women and then we'll buy them for a hundred grand each. Exactly. So how are you gonna get them? What's your plan?

Okay, well first, I'm gonna hide in a women's bathroom at the state park that I work at. A public restroom and a state park in Eastern Oregon. Yes, that's right. I feel like those bathrooms are gonna go whole days without seeing a visitor. Well, especially this time of year, like those bathrooms are going to go whole days without seeing a visitor. Well, especially this time of year, I mean, we've already established that it's February in this. Exactly. So there'll be nobody there to hear the victims

scream. So, ah, wah, but we'll got them to hear who scream though. The victim, the victim obviously. Well, right, but, but if there's nobody there, yeah, yeah. Okay. So wait, so assuming you do find a victim, where are you going to stash her until we can come get her? Oh, yeah, that's the best part. I actually have a torture barn at the park with like bars and the windows and everything, like right here at the park. I'm sorry, the park where you're going to kidnap them. Yeah, yeah. So, you know, super convenient location got it right here. Yeah, but won't that be the exact place the cops are looking? It's, it's a big park.

I think it's fine. So, I feel like keeping a torture prison at your workplace is going to be problematic even when you're not actively kidnapping, no? It's on a trail that nobody really uses. It's on a trail? It's more of a path, really, it's a path, I would say. Those are wrong words. Sin and Nims.

Pretty much, yeah, now they think about it. You are a bad kidnapper. You sound exactly like my mom. We sad. And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with dad spring and uselessly into action in this effort to like unkidnap his wife here, right? Because he says like, you know, where do you go? What do you look like? And the, and the daughter's like, I was in the stall the entire time for like several minutes afterwards. Actually,

I didn't see anything. He's like, well, let's drive very fast anyway. We'll race in a direction and then they just go somewhere. They look anywhere. Just like, I looked down under the stall and it was weird. He's wearing the same shoes. Rain. Also, I don't want to pick on the kids because these poor kids obviously got roped into this against their will here to some degree But the one kid goes for a fake cry here. Oh, it's so bad It's real bad. It's it almost looks like she only got one cry and they had to put it on a loop or something

So he's driving on one one kid's fake right and the other kids praying to God to protect mommy. Please God protect mommy Starting now, I guess I should have really gotten to you earlier I'm crazy to plan on you have as a god now because she's been kidnapped Right, but maybe my dad. He's here too. I don't know what's happening. And dad is also praying He's like he's like I you know God show me where. Like he's going to highlight her on the map or whatever. Spoiler he is. He is going to do that. But I'm glad they gave us two full minutes of him driving around aimlessly or I'd have assumed that they gave up pretty quick. But eventually, and by the way, we don't see him call the cops here right away.

We don't see him use a cell phone. Right. We don't see him use a cell phone. Right, we don't know if he has a cell phone, but later in the movie, at the end, he opens up a cell phone and makes a call. Because like my thought here was like, is this really legitimately a moment of like, how can he call her on the cell phone if we're filming with the cell phone?

But no, because the daughter also has a cell phone. They could have had him have a cell phone. Come on, man, Zach Morris in 1993 could call the cops right now. This is 2019. Yeah, there are no, there's no reference. There is no like this movie has so much time for a scene that nobody thought because the movie is just them walking and driving really 95% of the movie that nobody thought to maybe just pick up the phone and go, oh,

no signal and throw it back down again. Right. That's all it would have taken. Yeah. And then in some baffling editing, even by the standards of this movie, this is so good. He runs into the park rangers office. No, he doesn't. He actually uses an emergency phone.

He saw on the movies in an argument with itself about where he is. It's crazy, right? It cuts to him running out of his truck somewhere and then cuts back to him running out of his truck again. Yes, but in a different place, I don't understand. In real life, I'm pretty sure he got out of his truck again. Yes, but in a different place, I don't understand. In real life, I'm pretty sure he like got out of his truck, ran into that building, and was like, my wife got kidnapped in a movie,

we're making, can I use your phone? And they were like, get out. And then it was like, woo, cause a different phone, elsewhere now, and he's on a pay phone. Like every cut in this movie feels like there's a record needle in the camera. There is. So yeah, so but he calls the cops from this pay phone.

And there's a, we get the cops voice, which of course, it's David Wright. He's the only actor in the movie, only male voice in the film. So it's him doing his, one of his accents when his voice. Right. No way. It could be a female cop.

They didn't even. No, they could. Sorry. What? The doctor's a woman. I don't even understand the words you just, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,, make him do that. He's like, I'm from Brooklyn or something. I don't know what he's going for, but it's very bad. Well, at first he's from Brooklyn, but later it's Arkansas.

It's not super consistent. He's the warden from Cool Hand Luke later. It moves all around. Yeah, but so the cops are coming. So we see him leaving the park ranger's office slash still waiting there by the phone for the cops. No goddamn idea. We also we cut to the creeper carrying an unconscious Ashley, right? He's carrying her wherever he keeps his kidnapped girls. Yes, and she's like all droopy in his arms. Yeah, well, she did her best to be droopy,

but clearly he was holding her shittily, and she was like, ow, fuck! And like moves a couple of times, and he's like, stop moving drunk. I'm chill. I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm so good. And there's, this is my favorite, because there's the scene where he's just sitting

on a park bench, I guess, like, is he waiting for the cops? I guess, yeah. So he's just sitting on a park bench, I guess, like, is he waiting for the cops? I guess, yeah. So he's just sitting on a park bench, like, interminably, like, for minutes and minutes and minutes and the whole time I'm like, where are his fucking children? Like, there's so many scenes from here on out where his children, what do you just leave them in an unlocked car?

Like, your wife just got kidnapped. Would there be like, that pointing onto your children? Yes I at least you can't. So he's like, kids, go play. I'm gonna go find your mom. Just pan over the kidnapper of pulls up behind the car grabs the kids. Oh insane.

It's like he forgot he had kids. Clearly so crazy. Yeah, no, instead of worrying about his kids, he's having like seepia tone flashbacks to earlier in the movie where he loved her. And then we get to see we get to see where he's talking to the God. We're clearly they just are harassing some poor security guard that works at that park or something like that.

And they're filming it like incognito. They're like on a hill. So shot from a grassy knoll. Yeah, right. Yeah. And then also, I like, unless they're suggesting that the river was in on the kidnapping, I don't know why this river shot was in here for so long. You say it like it's a singular shot.

Yeah. It's a river shot. Oh, okay. No, you're right. You're right. We got it from a couple angles there. There's a bunch of cuts Something went horribly wrong just shooting the river and Try to skip the camera. All right That's why I didn't have a cell phone in that other scene.

And then, but as the creeper guy, as the hoodie guy is carrying her through the woods, she drops a hair band. I thought it was a, what would Jesus do, Bracelet? Turns out it's a hair band. This will be a clue later. Oh. So she drops that and then the kidnapper carries her to this prison check.

Now, we have to point out this is a movie where they can't handle like second cell phone in terms of props, but they for some reason have access to a pristine, rustic torture prison camp. Yeah, where did they find? You're so right. Where you think they made this whole movie because they have that weird shack. I hope that's I don't know, but one way or the other, the fact that this family Right, you think they made this whole movie because they have that weird shack? I hope that's, I don't know,

but one way or the other, the fact that this family has access to a goddamn shack that has bars on the fucking windows should have learned all of us. Well, it's like, they show like a meat hook, right? Yeah. And so I wonder if this is like, they're probably like hunter types.

No, no shame. Oh, it's a shame. I have friends who hunt, but like these are like prepper hunter types. This is probably there, I don't know. Do you think that this is like there? What do you call it?

Like their deer locker? But why would it have bar? It's their dungeon cabin. In the window. Yeah, it's hunting. It might also be for deer sometimes, but it's for fucking people. It's a worthy aesthetic. Smith laughs love.

I wanted this to be like an episode of Crib's. There's like a real estate agent being like, all part of cabin opens up into a nice dungeon with a lot of good natural light for torturing naturally, North facing. So then we have a quick voiceover of David talking to the cops. The cop explains that there have been two other kidnappings in the park already that year and that they think that the suspect lives in the park somewhere. Right. But again, you make it sound like this is a conversation. It's literally like one line.

Like he goes, what do you know? And he's like, well, two other kidnappings, we think he lives in the park. What happened to the guy, to the, to the kidnap girls? One's dead in the river, the other we never found her. Cool. Good talk. Bye. Like it's the weirdest no cop would ever tell

no I'm leaving you know what I think that he lives what that's insane also you just said there's two other kidnappings at this park in the past the bad guy were pretty sure lives in the park and this other guy on the phone who you've never met before said what happened to those other girls I know the cop to be like, I never said girls. You're the bad guy. I'm arresting you now. I can tell the bad guy in a hoodie, right? Is that your left leg or your right leg that's doing the thing? Oh, it's so. Oh, in that case, in that case. So yeah, so there's also this great shot. We see a helicopter, like a search helicopter

that happened to go by during one of the days where they were filming and they were like, fuck yeah, goddess, send us a sign. It's. We also, we see people in orange safety jackets like combing through the woods. And we see them from such a distance that you can't tell that it's very obviously Ashley

and David right, you know. And like, Mala, the kid or whatever. Yeah. And also, there's also this like montage where we see him. He's running around the park looking into windows to see if maybe his wife is in there. Why are there whole ass houses in the middle of this park. That seemed weird to me to do that. So yeah, like what? Yeah. So these people in these houses live near. One of their neighbors has a dungeon that they've seen for sure. Obviously, they're cool with it. And instead of knocking on their doors and be like, hey, have you seen a kidnapper with

a woman? He just looks to see if she's there and then runs. Yeah, the lens is in the window and it runs away. Sarah, bad guy. Nope. Next house. Well, he's taking the outhouse doghouse speech from the fugitive literally. I guess I, like I expected part of this montage for him to be like actually turning over stone, right? And then we get the hoodie guy, we get hoodie him, evil him, hauling his partner in the kidnapping.

Right. He's like, you got to come pick this girl up. There's cops everywhere. I'm like, you're not selling this very well. No. And you guys, at this point, it not selling this very well. No. No. And you guys, at this point, it's only been 30 minutes. Yeah, we're all, we're not even quite having it.

We're not even having it. We're not even having it. We're not even having it. We're not even having it. We're not even having it. We're not even having it. We're not even having it. We're not even having it.

We're not even having it. We're not even having it. We're not even having it. We're not even having it. We're not even having it. We're not even having it. We're not even having it. We're not even having it. We're not even having it. We're not even having it. favorite is that in the background, while all of this is happening, basically just like the good guy is just walking around the woods like kicking the ground. Oh, I can't find it.

I'm like Napoleon Dynamite. And in the background, there's like, I wrote the music cuts feel like one of those old now, that's what I call sad piano music, volume seven, the color, where it's just like new piano. Scrolling. like you knew. She's got a cell CD. Ashley right. Yeah. There's also this great moment. We're watching him like, you know, her room fizzway around the woods. Angerly just teaching

to God. There's this one moment where he like very clearly slips in the snow and starts to fall down, but then he pretends he was intentionally going down on his knees to ask God for some help. It's so good. It's a praise. Like when my cats fall off of something. Yeah. It goes so badly so many times and he keeps trying to do this a moment later. He like, he's like, I'm going to do a run.

I'm going to do a run. He starts running for three steps. His pants literally start to fall down. He grabs the back of his jeans, gets him back up a little bit, two steps later. He's winded and like, Ben's over and then, it's so good. It's so good. So much of this movie too is just Ashley Wright randomly panning over trees to the point where I felt like like maybe her message with this really was supposed to be can you believe

all these fucking trees y'all so we watch him wander around randomly through the woods to elevator music for a while before he eventually enters into the anger phase right he starts like he demands that God tell him where his wife is. And then he picks up a stick and starts hitting a tree with it. Yep. It goes so badly for him because he didn't, he didn't calculate the like, okay, it breaks in half, but then it gets a lot harder to do that again. When it's sure, like, breaks a stick on tree and he's like broke it. And then he's, fuck, okay, the shorter one is very difficult to break. Ever class.

Should I pay more attention to physics? Hard. So he hits this tree with this stick like eight times. And then in case we're curious, he says, this is what I'll do to him. I'm like hit him with a stick. I feel like there's worse that you could do to him. No, he does not. He just, no, you're right. Boy, he hits him with a rock. I feel like there's worse that you could do to him. No, he does. He just, no, you're right. He hits him with a rock. I mean, that's not. Sorry. I give away the only thing that happens in the next 30 minutes. Now the movie is spoiled. Kara. Yeah. Right. You mean, you mean the diorama? So, okay. So he goes back to his car his daughters though don't think he's montage hard enough yet, right? They're like, Dad, you should have found mom by now and he's like, really,

you're going to make this hard on me. You're going to I thought you're on my ass about this. Okay, still on about this. My mom was kidnapped shit. Okay, no, but Dad, you just you went like three steps in the woods. Then you hit a stick on a tree and then you got frustrated with the stick, not being able to break again. And then we're back in the nothing happened really. Yeah, really. So yeah, but he sits in the car long enough to try for tears, like for a good time. He doesn't get him. He tries though. He tries. This is his Oscar clip. And then he heads back out into the woods for another running around the goddamn woods montage. This is, but this is approaching bird-dammit levels of bad at this point. So I see your note here that I didn't notice before.

We watched this movie once already, except instead of David and a hoodie, she'd been kidnapped by David and a big foot mask. Really the other movie is the same movie. The same exact goddamn movie. Oh, I'm completely sure they just filmed this and then they were like, do it again with a big foot man. Yeah, right.

This was the first go. So there were like next time we have a $200. Yeah, right. Yeah. It was, I think it was the daughter that got kidnapped in the big movie, but yes, I see. I see. We're mass producing. I also, I have to, I have to point it this out because during the second montage of him

running around the woods looking for clues or whatever, they show him going northward on this bridge, like looking for like maybe she's, maybe she's northward on this bridge, but then like he doesn't fight or so, he's like, well to look while I was running that way. So good, which is already so dumb, but on the way northward, he slips on this little patch of snow that's in the middle of the bridge. Yes, really badly. And then the same exact. On the southward triple pro crust, he's even worse.

I was weeping with laughing. So goddamn good. So now having exhausted his run around the woods yelling at God, he goes to the police station. No, he goes to McDonald's. He goes to McDonald's. Thank you. Yeah, no, there's some McDonald's right next to the, but what's so good about this fucking scene is that we watch him. He pulls up.

There's a police station. There's some McDonald's right next to it. We watch him like wait for traffic to clear enough for him to jump out of his car for like a minute. And then we watch him go into the police station. Of course, they're not going to let him film in there. So then we, we cut to like a voice over from that point, right? Him doing his, his detective voice.

Oh, it's so bad. And the detective tells him, eh, no reason for you to be out here anymore. You can go home, take your daughter's home tonight. There will be a search crew out all night, right? Mm-hmm. And then he walks back out. They got no shots inside of that. No, no. Of course, he walks back out and They got no shots inside of that building, of course.

He walks back out and he starts to look at McDonald's hands. That's just, that's just clearly was just there to get a number two or whatever. I was like, no, don't walk back to my car. Finishing the shot first. Yeah, he smelled those fries as like bugs bunny when he smells carrots or something. Also by the way, my music note here is Ashley learned five entire notes on that violin. That's plenty. Okay. Yeah, there's one violin song to break up all the now. That's what I call sad piano.

Yeah, right, right. There's only like eight notes total. Five is pretty good. No, I'm true. Learn an octave. So seven. Sharps and flats don't count. There's so much indiscriminate use of slow mo in this. Just like now we have to watch them literally drive all the way home. Yeah, like why? Right. We have a montage, but another nature montage shot of them driving home. My God. Yeah. Oh, and then this whole weird thing where I think they use helicopter noises, but they just shine a flashlight into the lens to make you think there's a helicopter. Absolutely.

Correct. But what's so weird is like, why would the helicopter be fixed over his home? He's got a weird ass. Was she come home? She come home? Okay, why would it be fixed over their home like inches from their window in their face? I know. Like, I think we're supposed to be going, oh, good, they're out looking for her.

Why aren't they looking for her in the park? Right. I'm so confused. It's the perfect crime they're hiding at his house. So, yeah, so then we get a quick shot of him putting his kids to bed. They're still on about their mom getting kidnapped. I'm shut up about it all day. Which by the way, it's not one shot of him putting his kids plural to bed. It's two totally separate scenes of him putting his kids plural cement. It's two totally separate scenes of him putting each child to bed for no fucking reason. Nope, no, nothing is communicated there.

No. He walks down the hallway, slips on a patch of snow between their rooms. So much. Yeah, but he promises the kids that he'll find mom tomorrow, got to lead him to her. This is where I noticed that the little girl had a cell phone and I had all of these questions about why they didn't use it in the last scene. But then once the kids are in bed, he echo praise to the moon. Okay, they put reverb on the Lord's Prayer.

Yeah, and they are not, if you think they're going to skimp us on the Lord's Prayer, you are mistaken. We get the fucking long version with the drone solo here right like his his his wife is missing Why is he praying for bread? Like Lou Garig like today today today Yeah Amen, and then we have this we have these uh fucking fond memories of her in And then we have this, we have these fucking fond memories of her in CPM moment again, right? My music note here was fuck y'all the intro declared to Luna's public domain.

Oh, and he keeps looking into the camera and it's so uncomfortable. Yeah, because he's supposed to he's looking into our eyes as he looks into her eyes. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah, he's like astral projecting her now, right? Yeah. Oh, and they have an awkward moment during their love astral projection. She's like, how would you describe me with positive adjectives right now, please?

And I was like, yikes. Shut it down. Just shut it down. This man's wife literally turned on a camera and said describe how much you love me into this camera action. But then he like doesn't really he just know what he's like to the camera rain. Spaces of freedoms. What shine? Soup strap. Fuck shoes.

Lady. What's that? I Shoes lady Man woman person TV So then we cut to Ashley. She's hanging out in the torture dungeon. I guess this is her Oscar clip to Triss. Oh, cuz she cries So I haven't said this at this point because I want to be nice because I feel like sometimes on this show It's really easy for us to just shit all over the people in these movies. It is. You're about to say however and then say something. All right. He will. So Ashley, right. And I feel like I shouldn't have waited until she was in the torture dungeon because she, by the way, looks the exact same in the torture dungeon

as she does in the first scene of the movie. Right, yeah. When she's... She looks wrecked. Yeah. Like, she has this, like, I just left a rehab look going on for her, and I don't really know if that's, like, like, in fine, that might just be her vibe,

but, like, why is that the vibe they're going for in this film? Yeah. She's, like, a, like, like crypt keeper, like after a makeover. Sure, you know? She looks very strong out this whole movie. You know how like, I don't know if you ever made a Jello, you know, you put it in the fridge liquid and then it doesn't quite turn into a Jello.

So you end up with like, she's like, she's like, here we are, she's like, if you do that with a vampire, right? Like, you started to make a vampire and then quite actually take.

Yes, yes. Like she's a little translucent. Yeah, a little, a little, a little chaketic. A little creature of the night, yeah, but yes. But even in the scenes where she's supposed to look normal, right, she looks like that. Like her body was rejecting a transplant of her body onto a body. I don't even know what that means, but that's what it looks like.

I don't know if I ever got that out of the way. You all agree with me because it was really, it was just in the back of my mind. I got to say though, David Wright looking good. David Owen Wright. He looks like he's been hitting the gym. It's true. He's got the, he's got the bald head and the beard, which is just super cool. And that's all I have to say about that.

Yeah. No, guys with bald heads and red beard suit. Yeah. He looks like one of those guys in those strong man competitions where they eat like 40 cheeseburgers and then they flip a tire over 20. Right. Yeah. Exactly.

Like positive way. Yeah. And then she looks like she's dying. She. So by the way, like if you're wondering why it is that we've just taken an aside to talk about nothing but her physical appearance for so long, it's because the camera just lingers on her now for like a minute and a half with no dialogue. She's not saying she's just sort of looking around going, well, it sucks. We're in another randole. We got a vamp about something. It's a movie with randoles. Yeah. The only thing she says is John comes save me. Yeah. I would be, I feel like if I were kidnapped and in

like a dungeon, I wouldn't be appealing to like my partner. be like thinking about how maybe professionals would be on the case. Sure. Right. You know, that would be, yeah, yeah, or maybe trying to figure out Jason Statham something. Exactly. Or I might be trying to talk to the kidnapper and convince him why this is a bad idea. But instead, she like, goads him all the time. Yeah. It's the weirdest thing.

She's like, yeah, try me. Yeah. Fucking hit me. Like, what are you doing? Yeah, no, he'll show up here in a minute. But first we have to cut back over to David. He's going to give another prayer. Now he already did the Lord's prayer. Now he's got a manly prayer that has fucking rocks

and strength instead of bread and forgiveness, right? It's fucking weird. And buckling. Yes. It talks about buckling a lot. Like my buckler? Was that not a word in the prayer that I, I didn't know that was my,

God was my buckler, my buckler, and the horn of my selfish. I looked it up, it's apparently that's the little tiny like forearm shield that they used to have back in the day. That's a buckler. Oh. Apparently God is one of those. Yeah.

In my head, he was like, God's my leather worker and it makes my Spurs mix my chat. Yep Well, yeah, it's gonna say given how much luck you're having holding your pants up I don't think you want to brag about your buckler right now, right? Yes Oh, and this is when they they play State, like Astral projection Marco Polo for some reason. Yeah, I heard you do.

The daughter's pointing him this way and that. Yeah, turns into a horror movie. They like put a filter on the camera, so the daughter looks like she's in the ring. Yep. Yeah, that was weird. And then she just like lifts her arm and points to one side like, mom is that way. Yeah. You'll need this later when you remember it.

I love that he was so bad at Dream State Markopolo that in theory God had to be like, all right, I'll put your daughter in there literally pointing in this bow this way. Jesus. Oh, oh, and in the meantime, is this the scene where the wife is just crying? Yes. Uh-huh. And then she like, she, like, and she has a pretty good cry, but then she like, doesn't know what else. You can see her being like, cut the camera. Yeah. Yes. I did like 15 good

sentences. They just keep filming. And then of course, like, dad rolls over in the middle of his dream and he reaches out for her, but she's not there. and because he's a fucking idiot he keeps pawing at the area she's gonna find her. But really he's finally just in a normal sized bed for this guy. Yeah, thank you. It's like I was kind of comfortable. Thank you.

My note here was like, oh let me spread out. I'm gonna start. Yeah, finally. If I get this wife back we're gonna do a separate bedroom thing. Yeah, we're gonna get're happy when they do that. They often get better sleep. It's just psychological. It's proven and it's better for a lot of people to do that.

All right. Well, I know I'm on the edge of my seat, but it's mostly because I have to pee and I'm getting ahead and start. So we're going to take a quick break. As soon as I give act three, the hard sell will trees move from the left side of the screen to the right? We'll trees move from the right side of the screen to the right? Will trees move from the right side of the screen to the left? Will trees remain stationary in the center of the shot?

Find out the answers to pretty much just that when we return for the carpet conclusion of in Jesus' name. David Owen, right, the one and only only it is an honor to meet you. Welcome to the big Hollywood studio. Oh, thank you for inviting me. Thank you so much. Now, let's get straight to the point. Now, look, we've seen the badge, the Bible,

and big foot. We absolutely love that we want to sign you on for a multi-movie deal. Oh, that's great. That's great. All the glory to Jesus though. Yeah, so I already approved a $30 million budget for your next movie.

I do not need it, don't need it at all. You don't, you don't need a budget to like, higher actors. All set on actors, I'm doing the Eddie Murphy thing. Oh, all right, great lucky us. We also got Hans Zimmer signed to do the music for you. What? My wife is learning piano and violin next week,

both of those things. So we're good on music too. Oh, sorry, sorry, that's just my page really quick. Hey, do you have a pay phone in the lobby that I can use? You don't have a cell phone? A cell phone? David, David, wake up, it's your turn for a haircut. a cell phone. What? Yeah, I want a beard and a goatee on top of the beard. I've decided. So you want me to cut it in like a, like a bass relief?

Yeah, bass, yep, Bay Leaf. Yep. And we're back for still more of this shit. And we're going to rejoin the action with David heading out the next morning for another hard day of montage. I got it. Never end.

Quick stop it. Don's first. And then he's going to go the first. This whole scene I wrote sorry. I looked away literally nothing happened. Did it? Yeah. No, honestly.

So I look. Okay. So he starts. So he drives back to the playground where it all began. He looks in the bathroom again, right? Like maybe she is just been in there. The hope, no, no, he's not doubled back. That would have been genius.

No, okay. But yeah, he's doing a forensic sweep of the time seen here. Like I thought, honestly, I thought he was going to like pick up some dirt on a knife and taste it for a second. He's walking around waiting for his holy holy spidey census to tingle. I wrote my nose. It's like, if I was a kid-napped wife, where would I have gone? You know?

I mentioned it. It would have been funny if he got kidnapped when he went into the lady. If right away, he could have like a guy who looks just like him tackled him. Right away. He's a guy who looks like him. Right. Yeah. Exactly. I've been waiting here for weeks. Fuck.

Also, we have to point out this attempted artsy shot by Ashley here where they have the shopping bag blowing in the wind, but it's a, it's a reusable shopping bag. It's too heavy to do the thing, you know, that one of the many shots where they were convinced they were going to win like best cinematography on top of best original score and best acting and best whatever. And this was like American beauty American beauty bag. No, it's too heavy. We use the fucking burlap sack. It's not doing anything. Shouldn't have put all those rocks in there. Damn it. So, okay.

So meanwhile, hoodie creepers on the phone, he's setting up the exchange. This is, I just, it's hardly even worth mentioning the scene except that at the end of the phone call, he says to his kidnapping partners, bring the money. Right. So, at this point, I'm like, this is a ransom situation. Like, I think he's selling her into like sex slavery or something. I know. I think that's yeah, this plot is very thin for a movie about walking in circles. Yeah, right. They just have so much time.

Is it ever don't bring the money for one of those? I feel like that's implied. You just obviously bring in a criminal endeavor. You just bring the money. There's this great moment. We watched David is still thinking sad piano league and we watched this moment where he walks out to the map and he looks at it like I guess to see if the you are here sticker has any clues.

I thought to myself, my God, y'all, he saw a big red arrow and got excited for a second. No, it's I am here. It's I am here. That's like a perfect though, right? So bad. You also he tries to tear out of the parking lot, but he's in his big SUV, so it doesn't work. This was almost my best worst of him being like very clearly, babe, babe, get me peeling out in my infinity cue.

And it's just like drive away slowly. Yeah. And then we get another montage of him. Look at the ones he checks under the bridge. He checks over the bridge. He's looking for carox seeds at this point for fuck's sake. So then we check back in at the torture dungeon. This is the first time we get a shot of how comically small the padlock holding her in this

thing is. I would not have trust my high school locker to that little thing. Oh yeah, it's like it's like the thing that you would put on your journal. Right. Yeah. Like that. And the house that it took to both, like if you hurrumpfully leaned against that door, you would break it open. But later, but later I know it's a spoiler. He tries to kick the door in and can't so they have to cut away.

So I'm convinced that's because he wasn't like he didn't have permission to actually break anything. But yeah, it's pretty funny either way. Yeah, his friend who owns a fucking dungeon was like, don't mess up my dungeon. And he's like, right. So okay. So we cut back to David. He's now in the bargaining phase of the kidnapping.

He says to God, he's like, God, you're ruining our ministry. Right. Oh, you think those movies are just gonna make themselves? Well, because Ashley's gone from the ministry. Yes. This is like putting in a bunch of compliments for her into the non-script.

Like the ministry's nothing without her. Right. Because she is literally 50% of the ministry. Well, she's also she's the music. I've never had so many male orgasms and now I'm not because she's gone. I have a beautifulness for my life. God, you're good. A ruined Christmas. So yeah, so then we cut back to Ashley a little bit more.

We watch her look for a while. We're like, really is that we're going to get another scene of her looking, huh? But then the hoodie creeper shows up to throw her in some food, right? Yeah. And she's like, what do you want with me? But they forgot to like think about that in advance. So he just doesn't say anything. Yeah, right. Just general kidnaping stuff. And it takes them all every line. There's like a 15-second gap while they think of what they should question. Are you stalling? I think they're waiting to see if the if like the their daughter on the other end of the iPhone gives the thumbs up like I'm

rolling. Oh, I got that. I got that. You know, it's like when you're posing for a picture and then you're like, Oh, it's a video've got that. I got that. I got that. You know, it's like when you're posing for a picture and then you're like, oh, it's a video. Like that's this whole movie. Yeah. Yeah. I love the food he shows up with. It's clearly a leftover rib in a little baggy that they saved.

And he's like, all right, I'll give her the baggy with like one leftover. But then you watch his brain be like, I can't want some of this. And he tears off part of a rib takes it out of the bag. He throws it in and walks away with the rest of the rib in the bag. I'm not wasting a perfect good rib on this. Yes.

I'm keeping the burnt end me. Good bar. Chris Bart, yeah. I'm keeping the burnt end. Me. Good bar. Custard. Yeah. But she explains that he's, she's not afraid of him because her husband is the main character dammit. Yeah. She's like, God's going to save me and he goes, God, who I liked that line. Well, except that he's wearing a Christian hoodie at the time, right?

Like this man owned one hoodie that didn't say, I love Jesus on it. That line might have made sense. He's wearing it ironically. He literally goes, I didn't say I love Jesus on it that line might have made He's wearing it ironically. He literally goes. I don't I don't do God He does he does And And then he says you watch out or I'm gonna duct tape your mouth shut and there's this insanely long pause and finally she goes Go ahead it won't stop me from singing and I'm like it would though That's exactly the thing that it would stop you from doing I just never really understood this like weird Christian thing that they do in every movie, every story, all the lore that like God would somehow want them to proclaim their loyalty and then

like suffer for it. Like literally God's like that oven is hot and they're like and He's like show me how much you love me and they're like, ah, right like, show me how much you love me. And they're like, ah, right. Like, why is every story like this? Damn your child to death. Yes. It's so weird. Yeah, I think you just described Christianity in like a 30 second snippet there. Yeah.

She's literally, he's like, I'm going to come punch you in the throat. And she's like, do it. Oh, my God. Why are you saying, Grace? Yeah. Uh, uh, and I will say like, okay. So defiantly saying, Grace? Yeah. Now, and I will say, like, okay, so defiantly sings, I'll fly away. That's the kind of thing even a good actor might struggle with.

So needless to say, she doesn't exactly mail. Yeah. Okay, that was fun though. We're trying to sing that song like, we're not gonna take a fun away. Plenty. So good. So, so he's like, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, I'm right? He says at the beginning of the scene, God, I'm just running around and circle. He says it out loud.

I wanted a voice to God to be like, yeah, man, you've tripped over the same patch of snow like. Going back and forth across one bridge, I need you to try a little harder. Obviously the same bridge. I'll do a Marco Polo thing with you, but like, you gotta give me a little bit. Come on. Your notes like helped me make sense of this because I thought at this point, he leaned over and found a leaf.

He just like picks up some dirt. He tastes the leaf. Yeah, right. A second. Yeah, but no, but nobody's found her hair tie. Now, this is a black fucking hair tie. It is the most generic accessory that can or has ever existed in the universe.

If you went to any random state park and looked hard enough, you could find nine or 10 black hair ties per acre, I think. Right. But he sees that and he's like, well, I know her black hair ties breaker. I think. Right. But he sees that he's like, well, I know her black hair tie anyway. She's been this way. But isn't he just back where they were? Like where she got kidnapped. I'm so confused. No, he's along though. He's made it a quite a ways through his heavenly dowsing so far. Right? He's just somewhere along the same circle that he's been. Yeah, right, right.

Yeah, it's a good part of the circle. He's walking. Yeah. But that doesn't help, right? Because like, obviously, like, all right, well, I know she's been here. Shit, there are still 360 different directions from here, too. Fuck. No, there's not. There's only left. There's two. Right. There you are. No, there's just two. He's like, God, tell me. Is she left? Or is she right? He's like, fuck them, she's straight ahead, you're all the screw. Okay, I needed the voice of God to be like, why would it only be two?

Follow the fucking footprints, are you serious? The right thing, we did check off footprints earlier and the bracelet at the same time. God, they show the footprints here, they show footprints in the snow. And then they just ignore it. Yes. Or that he doesn't notice them. We cut back to Ashley praying that God helps. She's like, you're he's not going to get it just from the hair band. I can't get a little more.

Will you teach him footprints? I don't know what to ask for it now. And then and then we get shots of the sunset. So apparently, because we know he started first thing in the fucking morning, right? He started with an egg-mick muffin in this goddamn shit. So apparently he spent now the entire day and evening standing in the middle of the woods going, come on, God, left or right.

Google Maps does it? How come you pay it? Yeah, middle of the woods going, come on, God left to write Google Maps. Does it? How come you can't? Yeah, just kick in the ground going, yeah, I'm fine or anywhere. But it's just then that he remembers his daughter, look at all ringed up from the dream that I before. And she was pointing left. Right. So now he has to go to the left. That's the correct record. Wait, my left or her left? Yeah, right, that's the thing. So, I was stupid. It's like when your friend calls you and they're like,

which way left are I'm like, I don't know where you're coming from, who the heck? I don't know. Do you mean North South? I can't even go. The right or left? I don't know, man, just go with the armway.

What? I'm God, I sent you a sign. It's just the physical arm goes the way. So but yeah, but left turns out to be the correct like Cosmicly left turns out to be the right Direction and he approaches the torture Dutch. Now he I love this. He's ducking on this is such an enormous human being, right? But if you're ducking behind shit, that's way smaller than him on the way up. Like, is it a fucking assassin's creed game or something? She's my favorite scene because it's like the whole movie. He's been wandering around looking for her. He finally finds her and they don't change the music cute at all.

No, it's just like the same background. Like literally, you would not know that he had found her because they do nothing to tell you that except that he comes up on a torture dungeon. No, it's still the sneak up music like clump, clump, clump, clump. And he's holding like a bonsai tree in front of his enormous frame to hide. It's like, look at me, straight ahead. You hear, look at this noise of me. I'm here.

Oh, my favorite is she's like, be careful. There's a man out there. Of course, there's a man out. There shouldn't lock herself. What did you do? What did you do? He accidentally did this. She kidnapped herself. She kidnapped herself. It's like a raccoon trap. She's like, Oh, Oh, Oh,

Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh,

Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, have a heart trap at the end of this movie. That's finished ever. So that there's this is also this great moment where he goes around the torture dungeon and he's, you know, yanking at the bars on the windows to see if they'll

come, but, but they would, right? Like if this guy actually tugged on a really hard, they would very obviously come out. So he has to give them these tiny little shakes. Yeah, like the little, the little journal padlock. He's like, meat, meat, not coming up. Yeah, like the little, the little journal padlock. He's like, meat, meat, not, but as he's doing all of this, he's also sneaking up on himself, right? The bad, bad him is sneaking up on good him. Oh, I was so excited because I was like, how are they going to do this split screen fight?

Because when it was a Yeti, it was the greatest fight. Yes. But they didn't have that technology yet. Remember this came first. Oh, yeah, they're still a little bit raw Barely into the three digit numbers on budget here. Yeah, so $1 right So but but David David here's himself coming It's it's really fucking weird, but, he does get the drop on himself. I'm sorry, audience.

This is the best I can do. Bad him sneaks up on good to him, right? And he puts a gun to his own head. Or he implies that he does. Because he just see him, like his frame is large enough that he's blocking out anything that we are implying is happening behind him. Right. And the camera's pointed up a little bit so that you can't tell there's nobody

back there. Right. Yes. We just lift his hands and you hear a voice from off camera go, what up your hands? And then and then he goes like, God, please forgive me. And you know, he's asking forgiveness in advance for kicking so much at sorry. You what? The guy goes, I'm going to shoot you and he goes, in Jesus name, you're not going to shoot me. And I'm like, oh, fuck, he's using his Christian force powers guys.

By the way, I want to point this out. The dude does shoot him. Right? Like the whole fucking movie is about with you asked for something. In Jesus name, you're going to get it later. The guy will shoot him. This is just that. Oh, yeah.

It matters. But not yet, because first he's going to do a spin punch faster than a speeding bullet. Spin punch to nothing, by the way. Well, right. Yeah, because you can't punch himself. So to the extent that he's punches anything, we watch him at one point pretend to punch his wife in a hoodie slightly off. The sound effects in this moment are insane too.

It's so bad. It's so like cartoons. He like he spins around and punches a slide whistle somehow and then it falls over. And there's like it's in it's the best. Yeah, there's so many times where I wanted to write like, this is like a high school film project, but it's not, it's like an elementary school film project. Right, a high school film project, you would expect a lot more out of it.

Yeah. Right, because this was, what year was this made? 2019. Like, couldn't you just, aren't there just like Instagram apps that would do better than this? Yep, sure are. Like, it's like he filmed this on a camcorder. And you know what?

There also was by 2019 as other human beings. You could've just asked your friend, Dave, Dave, could you wear a hoodie for the purposes of this fight scene? But no, no, we get the like the one shot of him punching and then a different, separate shot of him being punched. These people don't have friends. Thank you. I was about to say they clearly went around their shitty main town and were like, do you

want to know? Oh, okay. All right. But ultimately though, he hits himself with a stick just like the foreshadowing earlier, where he's in the tree and yelling, I'm gonna do this to the bad guy later. And he else, you need more Jesus. Yes. That's his awesome beast of baby mode.

And there. So he has some Jesus, this kid. Yeah, yeah, right. We just not int is insufficiently Jesused. So yeah, so then we, he goes back to the torture judge, dungeon. He yanks at the lawyers to do it gingerly because again, you could fart that padlock open. And then this is where he like kicks it and we cut away right before his foot reaches it because either he

failed or the guy wouldn't let him kick his door. And so it's he starts carrying her away. Now He starts carrying her away. Now, she's not injured, right? She could just walk. What? Yeah. And I feel like that would be faster. Yeah, she had ropes on and you could see her. Be like, why don't you just untie my ropes and we walk?

Or run, how about we run? We can run from the bad guy. Well, and let's keep in mind that later she won't have those ropes and no one will have untied her, right? So Jesus did it. Oh, that's, that must be it. That's why there was only one set of foot print. Wait, what? Footprints with holes in them. Oh, amazing. So they go to waddle away. The hoodie creeper, he's getting up. He's woke up from his unconsciousness grabs his gun, but they don't show that happen. They show it. Hit the ground. He's down and then all of a sudden he's just there with a gun.

Yeah. Yeah. I guess he woke up. Apparently David didn't even think to take the man's gun. Right? He just left it there. He hit it with a stick and was like, yep, let's leave it all of it. That's all I need to do. He drops her so fucking hard here. Oh my God, it's aggressive. The fact that she didn't break a fuck, she's tiny, right? Like the fact he, he, he doesn't just drop her.

He drops her on the ground and then falls on top of her, right? Right. Right? No, she should shatter like the liquid metal guy got frozen here like it's insane. And this is all after the hoodie guy shoots his gun at them. Yes. Right? Like this is a clear, because this was very confusing

for a couple of scenes. There is a gunshot here. Yes. Right? Yes. I don't know if anyone was supposed to have been shot by it. I don't either. And if so, who?

But he drops his way. Right, yeah. Okay. The close captioning was like gunshot? Yeah. Bad guy. We don't know. Well, no, and apparently this bad guy's gun is one of them old-fashioned one shooters,

right? Because every time he shoots, he has to like, fish around in his pocket for the other bullet he had, right? So he shoots David Wright stumbles his way back, he stashes his wife behind a tree, and then he turns back around and he gives us his like, I ain't fucking around no more face, right? Uh huh. He gives us his like, I ain't fucking around no more face, right? Uh huh.

So he starts walking back to the bad guy to kick a little ass. Uh huh. The bad guy shoots at him again, but it's a one shooter, so he has to reload now. But he's walking like the bad guy is like crouch down like gun cocked. Yeah. Pointing right at him and he's just walking towards him. Right. Yeah. Why would you walk towards somebody who's pointing a gun at you? He's got the Christ confidence. That's exactly it. He was protected by his lord. No, but he wasn't. So, all right. So, so the bad guy shoots

again. He's out of bullets now. He's got to reload and he does that thing They do in movies like the gun jammed or something and he like struggles with it for a second And then he just drops it in the dirt Why do people do this in movies aren't guns expensive? Yeah, right Why don't you feel like this doesn't work anymore? Yeah, just toss it like an info-merchal. Yeah Yeah, it just tossed like an infomercial. Yeah, it makes no sense. So odd.

Also, they do a close up of the bad guy with the gun crouching right before he takes the shot. And you can see the same wedding ring that obviously he got right. It's wearing the whole time. And clearly he could have taken it off, but this guy refused to take off his magical metal. Right. No, I'd be single man for the bad guy shots.

So for then the bad guy shoots David Wright pulls out his skipping stone from earlier. For a shadowing guys, David and Goliath are rock. And he throws it at the guy's head. And again, like this man does not like, this is a big guy, right? Like this guy obviously lifts weights and shit takes a lot of pride in the size of his biceps whatever. He does not know how throwing works though. No. Right, like even just throwing this rock, it's just like, dude, that wouldn't even have gone forward though.

And even if it did, like, it's a little rock. Like, it's a skipping stone. It would have just hit him and then been like okay. Why did you throw that rock? I just shot yeah, I just shot you with a gun in the chest Yeah, he throws it like two bartenders one was like hey toss me that lime right there He like throws it like this and then the guys like Oh And he's dead yeah, he's dead. Oh, no, I'm dead now. And he's dead.

Yeah, he's just out down for the cow. Yeah, David Rock. And in the story, doesn't he at least use a sling shot? Yes, he's been a sling. That would have actually gone very badly. That would have actually been right in his face immediately. Yeah, he tried to spin that thing around once. Honestly, fucking, I would pay for their next movie.

It's only a hundred bucks. So I would pay for their next movie if he agreed to use a sling in it, right? Just like get and send me the outtakes. Multiple times. Yeah, exactly. So he knocks the guy out, he gets his, he goes back to his wife,

he goes to take off his overshirt and you see now that the God didn't protect him from the bullet. The dude shot him immediately in the center of the fucking chest. Yeah, he's just got a big bloody hole in his chest. So he stumbles a bit and then he dies. He lays down and he dies. But Ashley knows how to ask for things in Jesus' name too. She gets on top of him, puts both hands over the hole

and says, Jesus, make him be alive again like in the Matrix and Jesus does And here's the weirdest part of all of this right other than the like reanimation of the corpse is that he hits The bad guy version of himself with a small rock Somehow he goes down and then he says I'm not gonna kill him Oh, right. No, he leaves him. Yeah, lightly unconscious. And then stumbles over to die of a gunshot wound is reanimated from his gunshot wound. And then they just leave. They just like, again, they don't even take the fucking gun. Yes. Like, you actually knocked the guy out before with a big stick and he still came back and

shot you. Why are you going to like fool me once? I understand. I'm just leaving. Yeah. No, they just leave the obductor guy laying in the woods armed and very much uncought. They get back to the car. He says, Oh, I'm fine from my bullet wound to the chest.

Now I'll drive. Don't worry about it. I'm the man. Oh, and then he takes out his fucking self. Yes. What? He takes out his cell phone. He calls the detective. I guess he has like a direct line.

Yeah. 9-1-1, and then the, I guess, whatever, the extension. Yeah. And then he's like, I found the guy. He's in the woods, didn't like time up or anything. Hopefully he doesn't wake up. You'll find him right there on the trail to the left. It's the dumbest thing ever. Like in the middle of nowhere, but he now he can give explicit directions to where they are. And then he's like, we're gonna just go. And the detective's like, okay, you can just, you know, that's

fine. That's fine. Just hit home, it's our day. He actually tells the guy, he says, yeah, we left the guy, he's at the first trail on the left. Like, the left of what? The left of what from where? From what? Yes, thank you. If you come from the up, you're coming from up, right?

Correct, sorry, correct. You're coming from up for your the up, you're coming from up, right? Correct. Sorry. Correct. You're coming from up for your correct up. Left. So they drive home, which means that we get another driving through the fucking woods montage, you guys. Now we do see the cops do find him, right? The cops do arrest him that he was on the first trail to the left, as it turns in him in a cop jacket. Yeah. Right arrest himself in a hoodie. Yeah. And she says to him, they're in the car and she says, Oh, John, our God is so good. And I thought writer strike must be over. You guys. This is fucking Oscar word.

Well, it was so amazing to me too, is that he's like, yeah, you know, I may have kicked all the ass and everything, but it was really God that saved you. And I'm like, yeah, now it's humble. The right. Very humble. The movie that you wrote directed, starred in, scored. That is. Yes. to wrote directed, starred, and scored. And it is, yes.

So, okay. So they get home, the daughters show up, and we get a big group family hug. And now suddenly one of the daughters is the narrator? Yeah, this was weird. She does like a monologue while they're eating in a diner. Yeah, they go to a fucking denny's to celebrate. She was the narrator the whole time. What?

That's nothing. That means nothing. You're thinking of Camus the plague. I'm thinking of Camus the plague. No, she literally says in her weird narration, she never let it show that anything bad had ever happened to her. Like great fucking message. Right.

Like sure, she has like horrific PTSD from being brutally kidnapped and beaten, but she never let on that anything bad happened to her. It's real good for her mental health. Well, see, now I got from that, because she's like, you know, what I got from that was like, even though mom found out that she had magic healing powers that allowed her to cure bullet wounds to the heart. It didn't change her as a person though. She was almost still the same. Funny.

Are you narrating about me, right? We're sitting at a denny's. Eat your ribs. And they're actually eating the ribs. And I was like, oh, that's clear. That's definitely they ate here for real. And they had the leftovers in the baggie. And they used it as a prop 100%.

Oh wow. And then they rode off that dinner as an extra. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, fuck yeah. And then they have a screen at the end. Oh, I love the credits. The screen that they leave up for the longest is a list of their sponsors. And it's kind of a long list.

So I'm thinking they each gave five bucks. Okay. All right. That makes sense. I had 20, 20 patrons today. At the $2 level, you get nothing because we can't afford a tote bag for that. I don't have anything. So, yeah.

Oh, and they're kids. Their kids are numbered one and two in the credits. Right. Like, I feel like you don't just keep going with go with their names or something. And then clearly you guys turned it off. Both of you before you saw screen that said this movie was filmed with a $100 budget and no script glory to God. That's the last thing you see. And what they expected us to say at the end of that is, wow, they did all of that for 100 bucks. But what I wrote was, yeah, no shit. I'm thinking to myself, where did the other 99 dollars go? I think it went to the website. It's okay. Yeah, no,

because seriously, put a website for their ministry or whatever, like WCBTV.org slash right family ministry, WFM. I clicked on it. It's a 404 page. Oh, of course. This is way back in 2019. He they couldn't keep it up for that. Yeah. No, they're they had it on GoDaddy for six months to write ever and their $100 ran out. All right, well, that's it for the bill, but don't worry listeners. We will visit the rights again one day. You will be amazed how quickly they turn these movies out. If you haven't watched them, otherwise, you would kind of just know. So Cara, thanks so much for hanging out with us today. And, you know, just sorry, just in general. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Also click reminder that if you want to hear more from Cara, you can follow the links on the show notes. No, you didn't want to say it's okay or something like that. I love you too. I love you too. I love you too.

And you did the opposite. No, no. My answer to you is this is what I've learned over the years. You ready? This is my answer to you. Heard. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha All right, well, that's gonna do it for our review of In Jesus' name, but it's not gonna do it for the episode just yet, because we still need to like this fire again next week. So heath, tell us what's on deck. We're gonna be watching the flight that disappeared. I'm pretty sure it's an old,

timey rapture thing kind of like left behind with the flight disappearing because of the rapture. Awesome. In the Bermuda trying. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, it's not. The list of the look forward to Awesome. In the Bermuda trying. Oh yeah, yeah. No, it's all kind of a list of the look forward to. Yeah. What?

All right, so with that to look forward to, we're gonna bring episode 408 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to Kara for all her help and a perhaps even huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to get out yourself among the ranks, you can make a per episode donation to patreon.com slash God off.

And everybody around early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help attend by leaving a five star review and by sharing the show and only various social media platforms. If you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the scanning area, the Ascitation Data, D&D Binance and the Skeptocrine, available wherever podcast lip. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email Godoffalmewsandgmail.com. Tim Robertson takes care of our social media.

Our theme song was written in the performance by Rideslot and even with Jeff Sommar's. All the other music was written in the performance by our audio engineer Morton Kirk and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check your life this week for Heathen right in Eli Bustek and I'm an allusions promise to work hard to get in another chunk next week until then! We'll leave you with the Breakfast Club Clothes. As part of God's plan, the human trafficking cartel is still going strong in Jesus' name. Oh, that's right! name. Oh, that's right. Ashley Wright would go on to direct 12 more features, three shorts, and an eight episode TV series. In 2020. That's just 2020. And that's like real, right?

Yes, yes. Yes, it's close to the real thing. Scout and Cadence Wright had plenty of evidence at their emancipation trial. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Borg jury. We're called this character witnesses. Yeah. Amazing. And Eli's like, yes. The presenting podcast was a production of Puzzle and a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2023 all rights reserved. was a production of Puzzle and a Thedustrum LLC, Copyright 2023, all rights reserved.