God Awful Movies - 412: Baptists at Our Barbecue

Episode Date: July 11, 2023

This week, Marsh joins us for an atheist review of Baptists at Our Barbecue, the story of Mormons not having any interesting stories to share but still feeling like they should share something. --- This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/awful and get on your way to being your best self. --- Check out more from Marsh on Be Reasonable and Skeptics with a K Get tickets to QED here. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

I wrote yeah, we're getting some full on Terminator 2 shit going on right now. Yeah, well yeah, and this of course ends with him throwing the 50 year old woman off of his truck in a speedy turn or whatever and then driving away. Yeah, yeah, while she yells at him, Tarton spelled backwards as Satan. Which is it? Obviously it is. It is not, it's not, Rat. I'm sorry, I'm looking at it right here. Ha ha ha ha. Not awful.

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Yeah. And this was an interesting one because it was all about Mormon culture instead of Mormon religion. Yes. Yeah. And if you're the most American thing ever, so tell us, Marsh, what will we be breaking down today? So we watched Baptists at our barbecue. It's the tale of a

fierce dispute between two rival factions and a love affair that blossoms across the divide, except the factions are Baptists and Mormons. And then the movie keeps forgetting that their rivals half the time or or even to have anything actually happen in the entire movie. Yes, it's Westside complete absence of story is what they spilled. Yes, thank you. Yes, it's a love story about a town that's divided between Baptist and Mormons and the love interests aren't even a Baptist and a fucking worm. They're on the same side. It's like that because they was very clearly originally they wrote it as like, uh, and she'll be a Baptist and someone was like, why would never let my daughter marry a Baptist? Yes, they would know.

Good point, good point. I think that's a minor detail. No one will know. No one cares. Right. I love a fair between the capulets and the capulets and the fucking capulets. Yeah. So Eli, how bad was this movie? Well,

if you spent years trying to drive guest massacres Michael Marshall to the brink of madness with the worst misinformation the world has to offer only to find that a Mormon comedy does the trick far better. You will love this move. By the end of this movie, Marsh's notes are just curses to my name. He didn't know he spoke. Oh, I was not happy. I was not happy remotely through this. It just, it makes so little sense. It barely hangs together.

Yeah, it's irritating. Well, and we should say though, that this movie has been something of a white whale for us since we started Mormon movie month. Our listeners have constantly been telling us about it. We couldn't find it. If finding this movie was any more of a quest that would have included a goddamn water dungeon, but finally, Eli found it.

And I'm gonna go ahead and say it. It was worth the effort. Every single second. And I know by the way, which listener uploaded this, I don't know where you got the DVD, but we are very grateful for your service. We're very grateful for your service. All right, so there's anything you guys want to nominate?

This one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah, I'm going to go best worst, divine intervention because all the way through this movie, they've got kind of the tension between these two rival factions and you think, how does God normally intervene in order to do some dramatic to change the direction of the story? Is it going to be a burning bush? Is he going to part a sea or is he going to have the characters think maybe they can hear something, maybe come. Can you hear that? All right. Did I have my earphones on too loud and then when I took them out I'm sort of getting

a slight ringing or is this the creator of the universe trying to alter the course of our lives? It's hard to tell which of the two it is. One of those two things. I see, I thought you were going to be jealous because it's a divine hum and it was like, God kind of taking your thing, right? Like God's what happened. Mm.

So I'm going to go with best worst insult. Now this is a, yeah, right. Something of a theme on God awful movies. We've been dealing with this. It's the very beginning. They want to have insults in their movies, but no one can say anything remotely vulgar in a Christian movie. And I feel like this movie runs up against that wall at a higher speed than anything

else we've ever seen. I'll save it for what we get to it, but it's amazing. Right. Because Mormons are the prudes of the Christian world, right? Right. Yes. They're looking at normal Christian films being like, I'm sorry, that has the D word in it. No, my family will not be in my, that's a little racey dang. Yeah. Children are going to watch this. And I'm going to go with best worst movie slipping into dementia. Okay.

This movie starts, you can see it. The movie loses track of what it's about, like once or twice towards the beginning. The way that grandma will like repeat a story and you'll be like, huh, maybe she thought she was telling it to someone else. And by the end of the movie, we are full on. We found her on our backyard smeared in poop, talking about how Hitler's coming back to take all the cake and paper. I mean, it is for

it's a full loss of personhood by the end of this film. That makes so much sense because one of the things that irritates me throughout this is how short some of the scenes were. I timed some of the scenes. There's scenes that are 25 seconds long and there's nothing to the plot and that makes sense. And related nowhere to anything. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. That makes sense. They've just lost complete awareness of what's going on. And they're just sort of rambling about for a moment about that time. They're in high school and played on the football team. Sorry. What was I saying?

Anyway, about dogs. You weren't talking about dogs. What are you doing here? Yeah. Yeah. It's like having a, being told a story by the memento guy. All right. Well, we've kept you waiting for this one for years, so another minute or two

isn't gonna hurt, but we'll bag it a flash with all the banality that is. Baptists at our barbecue. This episode of Sponsor by BetterHelp. Okay, there's an animated film. I wanna do that, but then there's these two mission films. Man, we're running out of time. Jolise almost over. Eli, what's the matter, man?

Yeah, what's wrong? It's these Mormon movies, you guys. We went a whole year without Mormon moving month, and now I'm overloaded with choices as to what to do next. We had ones like today's, which people have been requesting for years, but I also just found a Mormon Netflix

and it has hundreds of options on it. Well, sometimes in life, we're faced with tough choices and the path forward isn't always clear, Eli. Whether you're dealing with decisions around career, relationship or anything else, therapy helps you stay connected to what you really want while you navigate life. So you can move forward with confidence and excitement, trusting yourself to make decisions that align with your values as like anything. The more you practice it, the easier it gets.

Wait, wait, wait. You guys are saying that therapy isn't just for when I'm in distress. It can help me with big life decisions and stuff, too. It's sure can. If you think in a starting therapy, give Better Helper try. It's entirely online. It's designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a license therapist and switch therapists any time for no additional charge. So no awkward therapist breakups? No awkward therapist breakups.

Let therapy be your map with better help. Visit betterhelp.com slash awful today to get 10% of your first month. That's better help aglp.com slash awful. Thanks, guys. I think I know what I want to do now. What's that? We need to start a new podcast that only does Mormon film.

You know, Eli, I would literally die. It's true, he will, he will. That's true, fair. Okay, everyone, welcome to the first writers meeting for Baptist at our barbecue. This movie is, of course, based on the beloved novel of the same name, but we're gonna fill this bad way up with all sorts of quirky Mormon humor. Heck yeah, we are.

Steve language. Sorry. So yeah, what do you guys think of what are some fun Mormon qualities we could poke fun at? Oh, oh, our parents show do you want us to get married? They sure do it. Yeah. Yeah. Next, what about how hard it is to get like support from back in Utah? Right.

That's a little dicey, but I get it. I think we can all understand those worries. Those are pretty universal. This is all great stuff. Anything else? Oh, pedophilia. I'm sorry. What? Well, the sanctioning of pedophilia, you know, from our foundations all the way to modern day, we have a pretty serious problem with

marrying children to adults. There's got to be some great jokes about that, surely. Come on. I don't think pedophilia, well, along the church's relationship to it is, you know, fun, yeah? Yeah, dude. Well, what if they're all 18? Can we do pedophilia, but they're all legally 18? Okay, that's hilarious now. Oh my gosh, there is nothing funnier. We marry children.

We do. We marry children. Sure do. Yup. And we're back for the breakdown. We're going to open up with a couple of quotes. The first one from Yale Theologian Harold Bloom says the most significant development of 21st century American religion will be the relationship between Mormons and Baptists. And yeah, checked out the source for this quote, not complimentary to either Mormons or Baptists. This would be like if you began a documentary about fucking rattlesnakes with some guy

being like, oh, fuck, rattlesnakes are so deadly. You have no idea how dangerous rattlesnakes are. I will dedicate most of my life career and media appearances to warning the American Populans about rattlesnakes Right, I did not look this quarter I just took it at fairs values to what they were trying to say which was like Mormons and Baptists are Incredibly powerful and it's like yeah, I mean isn't that like a decent chunk of the GOP's power base

They're not wrong about that between Mormons and Baptists. You don't have the Supreme Court. You have now, for example, right. The thing is, is that this guy, Harold Bloom, is like the most famous literary critic in American history, introducing him as Yale Theologian would be like introducing Kurt Warner as two time high, the stock boy of the month. All right. The guy who wrote on the creation of this human being, the definitive text on Shakespeare's works is a famous theologian. Yeah, right.

Also did that on the side in that he sometimes talked about religion and who said like he was an atheist too. Like I like, well, I guess one time he said he wasn't an atheist because that's no fun or something like that. But his wife was like, he's fucking atheist. He's a fucking right. But he died. His wife was like, Hey, a bunch of you have been using my husband's quotes and I just want you to know he fucking hated you.

So much. So anyway, so we get that quote. And then we show this guy sitting up out of the, out of a mud hole. He's all covered in mud and the narrator's like, I bet you're wondering how I got into this wacky circumstance. Huh? And we weren't. We were actually not. It's no.

No. We weren't yet. It'll still disappoint us. He's like horribly covered in mud and it looks kind of yucky. And he's like, I bet you wondered how I got here. And I wrote, no, but I did wonder how I got here watching you get that. What went wrong in my life to point right? This is where I'm at.

Yeah. I think maybe you would have turned off pen and tellers, bullshit, if you knew that down that long and winding road. So yeah, so we flashback, he's gonna tell the story of how he got money that one time and we flash back to him running through the woods He's in a park rangers outfit. He can hear a woman screaming for help. So he's rushing through the woods to rescue her So but he comes across this woman now. She's unconscious, which makes the screaming really weird. I'm really wondering how that happened She's under she's a number of logs have been neatly,

gently stacked over top of her. Right? He, he, he, he, he, so he pulls him up, he picks her up and he goes, ma'am, ma'am, are you okay? And she says, surprise, happy birthday and hands him a present.

Yes. Now, I looked up in the credits, this lady is listed as date napping woman. Oh, really? Is date napping a thing? I don't want to know that date napping is a thing, but that was where I started to look in the credits. But when I looked in the credits, I also looked up this actor,

and I thought I'd never heard this guy. I looked up this film on IMDB. IMDB lists the top 18 cast members of this film, and he's not one of them. He's not listed as top cast. Now you've got to click through to full cast and he's 19th on the list of people who did this film and very much for main actor. Feel like this actor requested that. Yes. I think I'd be before below the fold that I am.

Yeah. The second page of Google please. Yeah. You know what people don't do enough is alphabetical by the third letter in the name. Right? You know how that was that ruling of the right to be forgotten? Well, you can record a call and have your name expunge from Google. Do you think he's done that on I am TV? Oh, there you go.

Yeah, exactly. So now, but what's going on here? This is so fucking weird. What's apparently going on here is that this character, he's turning 29 and he's single. So his mom is trying to set him up on a date by having a woman go into the woods lay down, put a bunch of logs over top of herself and scream, help me until he shows up. Yeah. Really wanted a flash cut to like all the other people who's tried to rescue her first. And she was like, no, I'm doing a meat cube thing.

Do an EQ. And what we see here, and it's super unclear, but I like in retrospect, you can see what they're going for. As he's talking to his mom, he's looking through this magazine and he sees a help wanted sign like for a park ranger in a different town further away from his mom. And he draws a big circle around it, right? Yes.

But what he doesn't know is that he's actually going to get to be a park ranger slash cop slash deacon. So. Yeah. Right. It's one of those real multi-hyphenate positions. A lot of hats in this job. If you just take this at face value and you're not before you get queued into where the rest

of films going, he's on the fonto. I'm looking for a job application to be a park ranger, while dressed as a park ranger. So I thought, was he not a park ranger? Cause he has dressed as a park ranger. Or was that just part of his elaborate sex game? Is that he'll go into the woods,

dressed as a park ranger to rescue this girl before they have their hot, Sadie sex. Right, well, cause yeah, cause we don't know where he is. We don't know that this is further away and mom's on the phone,

so we don't even know where mom is. No. So anyway, so we see him driving to work. He's narrating to, oh, actually, first of all, we have to meet the love interest. This is charity. We're gonna meet her, hopefully walking up a set of spiral stairs.

Yes, she's trying to stomp up the spiral deck. Is in like a ho-fo or in sadness. And you can't stomp up the spiral stairs. Yes, she's trying to stomp up the spiral deck in like a ho-fo or insidentness and you can't stomp up the spiral deck. She's just impossible. This is also the first shot we get of her and it's very porny and beginning of her romantic comedy. I'll spoil it for the listeners. She will never be shot in anything except slow motion, beat cute. Pretty much. So yeah, it's weird how comfortable I was with this shooting at the beginning and how uncomfortable

I am at the end and like want to write down the cameraman's name in case he ever goes missing. So we cut back to our narrator. He's driving to work one day and he says in his narration, he's like, you know, there are a few things more painful than turning 29 and still being a single Mormon and I bring that line up because if you're ever asked to define privilege that sentence would be happy to He also clarifies to us that he's not I've not found the right woman. Although I am into women, I'm definitely in love with women. I have to win. I have to win. I'm clearly in this point. It's in my contract that I say this early on. Yeah, right. And of course, he's, as he's, since he's sitting at this stop sign,

he's watching like families with an irresponsibly large number of children drive by and getting super jealous. Well, he's just seen like, yeah, so many different families going by it. And I think it's because this movie didn't realize at a crossroads in life is a metaphor. I think they put it like a geographic location with like a little symbol on the ordnance of a map. Here's the crossroads of life that you go to to contemplate your current situation. And then we cut back to charity.

She's back in Arizona. She's packing all her boyfriend's shit so she can throw it at him when he comes to try to apologize for whatever he's done, right? Look all credit to this actress because she has to do a lot of work in this movie with not a lot to work with. But this opening scene she might as well just be going sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad. Yeah. She doesn't get better as we go. No, she absolutely doesn't. No one in all of human history has had less facial expression range than this way.

Everything she does has exactly the same from about like the eyebrows down, nothing ever changes for her at any point. Yeah. Yeah. It feels like you ever go to the dentist and you're like, oh, well, I'd be able to talk by this time and the dentist is like, sure! And then you get to that time and you're like,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's what she did with her Botox injector. She was like, I'll be able to act by this afternoon, right? And they were like, for sure. So, okay, so then we get the main character, we haven't mentioned this yet. The main character's name is Tartan and they hang a lampshade on it because they have lots of characters to say Tim, that's a stupid name

But like it is a stupid name because it isn't a name no one in all of history has ever been called Tartan This is just a ludicrous plot point that you've decided to introduce for no reason, right? Like why is he called Tartan? It's insane. It's this weird No reason. Right. But why is he called Tom? It's insane. It's this weird form of massacism that Mormons have where they'll be like, we're actually pretty self-aware of this thing that everyone thinks is weird about us.

And you're like, oh, cool. So do you like take action to change it? And they're like, no, we just like want you to know. And I'm like, yes. It's bad on purpose. Right. No, it's like the way they embrace the musical. And we're like, yeah, but you realize that that just like it's bad on purpose. Right, no, it's like the way they embraced the musical. And we're like, yeah, but you realize that that just,

like it's all about how you guys are a bunch of fucking lying bastards who steal shit from third world countries and stuff. And they're like, yes, just that wacky ass. There's no fuck frog or sorry, an F frog. And it's like, okay. You know, AIDS, you made AIDS worse. We made AIDS worse.

Stop just gonna be AIDS. You're not gonna do that. Someone told you that if you just agree with bullies, they'll stop, but I'm not so I have a whole career based on this. Multiple podcasts for this whole month dedicated to it. So yeah, so but Tarton gets home to his mom's house where he apparently lives.

And she set up a surprise party with some different chicks she wants to set him up with. Ooh. Yeah, and this is where she has like a catalog of different temples as well. And she's clearly trying to use the word temples as like an analogy for women, because she's saying like,

oh, look at all these different temples, you've got to make sure you choose right one. There's so many beautiful. But then the analogy starts to go astray because she says, because some of them are sore boxing. It's like, mom, you've got way too intimate a knowledge of these women that you're trying to set them up. And then she says, and some of them,

a couple of them don't even have angel moroni on top. And I thought, okay, she's moved off the analogy. Unless, whenever you see a statue of angel moroni, he's always very conspicuously blowing a horn. So maybe mom's just like looking at her like, you know, some of these women, they don't see a statue of Angel Moroni, he's always very conspicuously blowing a horn. So maybe mom's just like looking at her like, you know, some of these women, they don't have a statue of the Angel Moroni,

if you know what I'm saying. If you know what I mean. Yeah. Now maybe those churches that you go in the back door sometime, so you gotta figure out what you want in a church. And look for the little Moroni in the boat so that the church is still excited

for you to marry him. Yeah. Some of those churches got nose piercings and yeah, you want to have a little bit of a little time in those churches. Maybe not totally. Definitely visit those churches. Yeah, you're going to want to get you're going to catch something in those churches. But the Holy Fire. Yeah. So, so we get charity pack in her suitcase. She's leaving. We get tartan. He's now going to transfer to be a park ranger somewhere out of state.

Mom's very sad that he's leaving. He's 29. Yeah. He's like, anyways, that was it. I had to move out of my mom's house. And I'm like, no, you had to move out of your mom's house significantly before then. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good minimum. So he leaves. We get the credits. We get the him driving through Utah credits. My music note here is this song seems like the singer should hit the wrong chord.

Apologize to me and start that stanza over at some point. Oh, yeah, 100%. They got this song from the bin out back of the studio where they filmed scrubs. The lyrics are so boring that they include, have you seen my front lawn? It's a work of art. That's what they consider to be the aspirations, the lofty artistic aspirations of this, this opening track. So, yeah, so now I guess Tarton had head to the police department to get his job stuff or something. I don't know. You know what they say?

Park Rangers always getting there, housing and assignments from the local sheriff. That's exactly. Yeah. So he goes to the police department. This is where we're going to meet Bob the cop. So he goes to walk in, Bob the cop walks out. And he's like, I know, we don't have an interior shot. And here's not enough room. We're going to have to do this. X. So funny. This I was like, is this actor on some kind of timer that he needs to get this scene over with? Oh, yeah, he was, he was whipping through this. The other thing that was interesting is as, as Tantan pulls up the route to the front of the police station is marked out with

cones, but like across the main road, so there's nowhere for Tartan to go but to drive at the police station. And it's like, has this cop set up like a Mormon trap out of cones? He's gone in certain moments. Because then the cop immediately comes out and starts picking the cones back up. He's like, well, I, I want the views anymore. I've caught my moment. Also, there's just, sorry, once just stupid moment here, as he's picking the cones up, he's handing them to Tartan and Tartan's too fucking stupid to just start stacking them inside one another. Yes, yes.

Right. Because we're supposed to have this whole, he's got too many things in his hands moment, right? But to be handed another thing, but they're cones. They just stack. They do stack. Yeah, you're a fucking idiot. So anyway, but Bob explains that, yeah, your mom called me beforehand. So I know all about your backstory.

And also, I guess your job comes with a house. Yeah. So Marsh will point this out about 800 times throughout the notes, but nothing happens in this movie, but nothing happens in this movie, but it happens very fast. And one of the ways that nothing will happen very fast in this movie is that Bob's character is he's already heard about it. So where characters would usually convey information to other ones, the writers of this

movie solved it by Bob just showing up every second and going, I have already heard the plot so far. No need to repeat yourself. Please move forward. Yes. Right. Well, and then of course, Bob is also there to speed exposite whenever necessary too, right?

Which is what he does here. He says, you see, the thing about this town is that the Mormons and the Baptists are like enemies in a feudless feud. And they're exactly evenly number. There's 262 Mormons in town and 262 Baptists. So yes, there are, which are, they seem, that's a weirdly specific number,

that's unsustainable to keep at that level. There's no way that that's gonna remain at 262. You would think people are gonna die, people are gonna have kids, but I thought, well, even then, the fact that it's tied doesn't really mean anything, because it's not like the town is voting on everything that's going to happen. Right.

So the fact that they're mildly outnumbered does not matter in this light is really. That's the entire conflict of this, but it does not matter. Yeah, it's deeply confusing. Well, especially because they also don't do anything related to the rival at any point, right? Yeah, they just don't particularly carefree, shit there. Yeah, just in general. So, yeah, so Tarton goes to get gas. This is where we're going to meet Willie, the gas station attendant.

Willie has decided this actor for some reason just decided to play the character of Willie as able to see a swarm of insects visible only to himself. I think it was a call forward. I mean, I don't want to spoil the end of the movie, but I think this character saw where his character ends and he was like, I won't give this character the mind of a child. Oh, interesting. Interesting.

It doesn't make sense. So yeah, so and then of course he gets it. He goes in and the guy's like, I heard you were a Mormon and Bob came in and did a bunch of expositing earlier so you don't have to introduce yourself to me. I already know you and he's like, oh, that's convenient for the movie to keep moving on. Yeah, but he's like, but don't worry, I've got a great bit. I will do it three full times in the movie. I sell slushies out of my corner at the front of this gas station, and I wipe it flat with my finger. And then lick my finger in case it's not gross enough just to have my finger in your drink.

Yeah. Get it? Yes. It's humor. Even the way that bit of conversation starts is ridiculous because he says to Tartan, cold slush, and Tartan says, actually, my name's Tartan. It's like he wasn't asking if your name was slush and whether you were cold. He was offering you a cold slush. Actually, actually, my name's Tartan. It's like he, he wasn't asking if your name was slushing whether you were cold. He was offering you a cold slush. Actually, my name's Tartan makes no sense in that. Yeah. And so let me be clear to the listeners to this. This is too different.

Eli's moved on to a different character. So Willie, the gas station attendant is one character. The old guy selling slushies is a different character as well. Yeah. I don't think we get his name. I'm not sure we do. Correct. No, he's just slushy guy. He's going to play very important roles throughout the film. And across the street from them, at that moment, Bob is evicting a character that I only have down as shitter a guy. I never got his name because he's always being dragged out of bathrooms. And that's how we meet him now. He's being dragged out of the library bathroom. Yes, because he's being told that the library bathroom is not a weight loss asylum, which is true because nowhere is a weight loss asylum. That is not.

Well, so what's so funny about this is that this is so clearly some bullshit, Mormon compromise, because the character was written as Eli, right? He's always in the bathroom, but then they were like, no, we can't have poop-related jokes in it. So they rewrote it as, he's always in the bathroom because that's how he's gonna lose weight is by locking himself in bathrooms

where there's nothing to eat. Yeah, and let me clarify that locking yourself into bathrooms for extended period of time does not help you lose weight. Trust me, if it was, I would be thin as a whip. But it's so weird. This is such a weird thing. Even this bit of this scene is so weird because they explain that he's locked himself in the library bathroom for too long. And so if you're thinking, well, what would be too long to lock yourself

in the library bathroom? You're thinking, that's a matter of hours. No, he's locked himself in there for two days to lose weight. That's what the librarian says. Yeah. Yeah. Two fucking days. So like on day one, he goes into the library in the morning, he's there the entirety of the day and the library is like, I'm sure he's fine. I'm sure he's fine. It's only once we get towards like afternoon the second day we should probably start checking in. Yeah. Yeah. And we don't know like, I mean, you know, was he there overnight? Did she just leave him? There's just like, you know, probably it's probably a difficult shit.

He'll be by the morning. He'll be fine. So yes, but Bob is dragging him out, the librarians yelling at him and the cops has bobbed the cops and says, hey, willie, the gas station attendant come over here and help me. And shitter guys like, no, I'm Mormon and he's baptized and we hate each other. And Willie, the Baptist says, yeah, well, you're a big human and then they get into a fight. Then they have a wrestle.

Yeah. The exchange is, I don't want help to which Willie says, good, because you're too big to help. I've no idea what that could mean. How is he too big to, I don't know what that means at all. They don't have to write dialogue. They don't know how to write conversation. And they certainly don't know how to write insults, but believe it or not, that is not it by any means the worst insult we get in this film. No, no, no, it'll be the closest to the best, honestly. Yeah, really. So shitter guy runs across the street and he like bear hugs,

Willie and tackles and Willie has one third this man's size. And street and he like bear hugs, Willie and tackles and Willie is one third this man's size. And everybody's just like, Oh, there's them Baptist and Mormons going at it with physical violence again. So wacky classic feud, just like Yale theologian. I don't know why, but I pictured Harold Bloom on the set somehow at this point being like, please don't use my words at the beginning of the day. I beg of you.

So the library, while they're fighting the librarian comes up and introduces herself to tart and apparently she knows all about him too and has picked out a couple of books for him. She's like, I have your new library card and here's your first two books. One is how not to fuck and the other is how to not have a dad. So we don't know her name. She is wearing a name badge and it does have like I am LDS are you on it, which took me a moment to figure out that was like a I'm moment are you because I thought that was her name. And I thought it was pronounced like email Des Rue. Cause I thought, I've not asked you to put a name

then Tartan. No, it's not on. It's filled much. She's email Des Rue. But this standard something. Why did you think they thought cold slush was a real name? They're walking around with a man. Oh, yeah.

It's ruined. Yeah. So okay. So Tartan gets to his city provided apartment apparently does not much care for the decor in there ah And then we have a shot where he is I shit you not Eating frozen peas out of a bag What hmm that's that's the most Mormon thing that's the tasteless

Plantest thing one can do I had look up, do Mormon people eat frozen peas? No, I didn't raise the shut. It was a bit for the film. Whenever I see a weird behavior that isn't poison, I do have to be like, okay, that could be a Mormon. Yeah, no, you do. Right. No lessons we've learned from Mormon movie months.

So but just then, just as he's eaten his frozen piece, the drunken guy who used to have his park ranger job before he got it and got fired for, I guess, being drunk on the job. Oh, that's why he doesn't like him. He's the Fulma Park ranger. Yes, that's only just clicked for me now. That's only his clicks. You have to do some sleuth and to figure out the plot of this fucking movie. Yeah. To be fair, I really want to live in Marsh's universe where he was like, yeah, and then this guy shows up for no fucking reason. The entire movie is just like, fuck you. I'm your enemy now. Yeah.

So, but this is rich rich comes stumbling drunkenly out of the woods, yells at him for taking his germ and then throws rocks at him. And calls him moment. He just keeps shouting moment at him as an insult, which in fact is it is an insult. No, right. Yeah. Definitely an insult for sure. Now, but we have to prove over and over again that rich isn't a real man like tartness. So he throws rocks at him. Tartin starts to walk towards him with a chair and he runs off. He'll be like, Mormon, you Mormon, you Mormon, you Mormon, you Mormon, Mormon, rich will go, will violently switch between like villain in a like 80s drama to raccoon, but never anything in between, right? You'll either be like,

I'm here to kill your wife because I can't ever or he'll like bang trash can lids together and ritual like do a little scoot out. Yeah, he'll have slightly toxic shit like overly toxic shit. So okay, so thing he'll do. Yeah. So okay, so the next morning, I guess that was Saturday, is Sunday morning, he's heading to fucking Mormon church in a stupid Mormon reservoir, dogs outfit or whatever. But on his way to his truck, he hears this weird tapping sound in the woods.

Is it a tapping sound or is someone playing squash? There's a sound of a squash ball being hit against a racket and a wall for some reason in the middle of the woods. Is it a topic sound or is someone playing squash? Okay, sure. It's the sound of a squash ball being hit against a racket and a wall for some reason in the middle of the woods. Right. And of course, if you hear a weird sound in the woods, you go and you check it out, you know, in your nice Sunday clothes. So, so that's what he does. He comes across the house. It's like, well, let me just wander into this and see if anyone owns it or if this is just some fucking naturally occurring house. Right.

Exactly. You know, like park rangers are want to do. I guess. Yeah. But just as he walks in, a dude walks in behind him and he's like, hey, man, you just walked into my house. Why? Yeah.

And his response is, oh, I didn't know if anyone lived here. Despite it being a very clearly, it's full of food. It's like, the TV is basically left on. It's like, you might as well let it know it on the door, and just popped out for milk. I'll be right back. So it could have been anything. There's no clue. Right.

There's a box of fucking tricks in the fucking background. Yes, it's occupied, man. Also, even if no one did live there, you can't just walk into random building. It's still not yours. I wasn't sure if anyone lived here. Is that how you determine vacancy? Yeah. Right.

So, but the guys like, hey, I have a spare sandwich in my hand right now. Okay. This was almost my favorite best worst because this actor, the main guy, 19th in the IMDb position, is such a bad actor that he fails to portray Yucky. Yes, right? Like he does a like, and I'm like, oh, so the sandwich was good and then he spits it out

and I was like, oh no, he was trying to do a yucky. But he's so bad that it actually, yeah, right. I thought the same fucking thing. I was like, oh, is the sandwich really good or bad or what? And he's like, oh, I need water and the guy's like, I don't have running water, but I have this canteen. And he's like, yeah, okay. And he drinks it in his vodka because, you know, that guy's not Mormon.

He doesn't know. That's what a second of people do, right? We put vodka in our canteens. But even the way he introduces that is so weird. He says, because, you know, once a month, I like to put vodka in my canteen just to keep it interesting. Is that a monthly basis full canteen of vodka is how you keep your life interesting. The rest of the time it's water, but just, like, it's not even like someone else is

filling it at random for him and he doesn't know when it's going to come. He just holds the book and it's over that well, there's my interest done for the next 30 days. Well, I can't help but notice you make fun of that while he's not on the show. Right. Wow. Come on. He's more than 30 days. He's he's more than every 30 days. Exactly. It's very, all 30 days. He puts water in one day. Exactly. All 30 days. He puts water in one day. Keeps things mixed. So, yeah, so, but he's more or less, so he doesn't drink, so he doesn't know how to drink. So he vomits, a violently all over the place in this guy's house that he just walked in. Vomits all over his tie. The guy turns to him, looks at the vomit and goes, I wish I had

a dog. Yes. I wrote my notes horrifying truly, truly horrifying. Yeah, actually horrible. So okay, so he shows up at Mormon church, but church has been canceled apparently because the librarian and her husband are mean and nasty and didn't want everybody to sing him, so they kicked him out.

So we should explain that in this movie, the Mormon church is just somebody's house because the Mormon church, which is hoarding over $100 billion, won't just like actually build a church, they keep holding services in just the person who has the biggest house's house. Yeah, right.

And this is where he says the library, and I didn't know that you or the wife of the preacher, and she says, well, you know, I'm too modest to talk about it, but you're too modest to not talk about what someone else has achieved. That's not modesty that you didn't do that. Yep, sure can. So yeah, so they go to some other Chicks house, right? So we cut over to like 60 fucking people packed into my living room, right? Or something, right?

Yeah, although there's meant to be 262 moments in this congregation. So I don't know whether you're the 200 or whether it's supposed to infer the old 262 are packed into this house, just like the sum in the kitchen. Right. We don't know. That's the other rooms. Yeah. They're nested inside each other.

You have to peel them open. Oh, really? Yeah. I make the most of the space, yeah. And we learned the source of this feud. Don't worry, it'll never matter. The source of this feud within the Mormon church is that the wind scooped lady doesn't want to sing hymns because Baptist sing hymns. Yes. And I can't both, I don't know if you guys did this, but I was like, ooh, ooh, please tell me this is a real Mormon controversy. Please tell

me this is a real Mormon controversy. I wrote, should Mormons and Google was like, ooh, ooh, please tell me this is a real Mormon controversy. Please tell me this is a real Mormon controversy. I wrote, should Mormons and Google was like, saying hymns and found many a violently passionate message board on the LDS website. Let me tell you. I wrote the question in my nose, but I was not interested in the official Google. I didn't move to a second web browser to put the same question in and notes, but I was not interested in after Google. I didn't move to a second web browser to put the same question in and find the answer. That's how boring. Marshall will be like, so I looked up this doctor's high school record. And I read his thesis paper and this movie, he was like, I don't know, that

fucking character. So and this is where we have possibly the most shocking moment in the movie, right? So they're all sitting around in this woman's living room and this chick walks up to tartan and she says, Hey, I hear your single. And he's like, Yeah, she's like, that's my daughter over there. She points to the fucking girl from the Wendy's sign, right? She's like, that's my daughter over there. She's 18 and she's never had a penis inside her before. Yes.

At which point I wrote in my notes, this is a horror movie. Yeah. Yeah. Even then she describes that as she never had sex, so you know, that's a priceless bonus. Yes. You're talking about your child's virginity as a bonus.

Oh my God. A bonus for someone else, yeah. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And he goes, well, you know, it's a shame because she's 18, I'm two old, I'm 29, and the woman says, and I fucking quote, oh, her granddad was 62, and he married a 17 year old, you're not two olds.

Yeah. How did the Mormons make this? The movie is like, work it, be shm me, smack it into. Yeah. And I wrote in my notes, March for the record as a British person, that's bad. I just said, I didn't understand. And my wife is older

than me, damn it. My wife is older than me. No, just I didn't want to do a cultural line. I'm not a confusion there. But no, like the 62 year old marrying a 17 year old, she wasn't too young for him. You just apply the formula. I know, what is it? A fifth of the year age plus five. So that's the more that is the more man. Oh, formula. Yeah. Wow. Really taking a lot of shots at Heath on this episode. Okay. No. Okay. Mars was going to come for you like this. Okay. I always, okay. So, and then,

Tartan goes upstairs and damned if the old guy whose house they are at didn't die. Don't worry though, he's old, so his death is funny. No one cares. The amount that no one cares about this guy's death is like Wikipedia articles, simulated. So yeah, so they call Bob the cop and they have this whole wacky bit where they're really him and tartner trying to carry the dead guy out and they can't really do it, but they

can't do the bit because it's a human being, it's an elderly human being that they're carrying around, right? So they don't drop in. Right, they just kind of let him track. They do handle his supposed cops. It's all the subtlety of like some tea drinking chimps. These are the PG chimps. Yeah. Trying to get the piano down the stairs. Yeah. Also, the pretty girl will be shot in slow motion. She walks up and she's like, oh, is that a dead guy? And he's like, yeah, it is. And I really wanted his boner to start to like push the old guy. He's just, while he's talking to him, it's just like he's tilting.

Oh, it's because of the oxygen he's moving. But it's like, it's like a wacky meet. You're like, oh, don't you hate it when you're, you know, the girl that you like shows up right when you've got a handful of dead guy. Like that's how the movie plays that. Yeah. I mean, but luckily for Totten recently discovered a corpse just having this girl's type.

So he's just fallen face first into a perfect, perfect situation there. She really has recently discovered a corpse look. Right. Yeah. So the next day we've got Tarton in the library. The librarian lady is like her whole personality, her whole character now is mad at the Mormon church because of the hymn thing. Mm-hmm.

Right? Yeah, she says that she's gonna quit that version of the church and her husband are gonna practice a pure form of Mormonism by which I assume she means her husband wants to fuck a 14 year old. I think that's what she meant. Yeah, exactly. We heard there's a new virgin 18 year old around here.

Yeah, right. Yeah. All right, so then we cut to Tartan picking up a beagle. We heard there's a new virgin 18 year old around here. Yeah, right. Yeah. All right. So then we cut to Tarton picking up a beagle. Remember when the guy said he wish he had a dog to eat the vomit? Tarton's buying him a dog now. Yep.

Yeah, from a lady that I think is an alien pole and stuff. From what we can see. She's alien pole and stuff in the rest of my notes. Yes. Here's what happened that I think is weird, right? Because this actress, lovely, very attractive and they were like, well, I wouldn't tart and fuck her and they're like, oh, right, we need to dress her like a slut.

And then they were like, we can't do that. People will jerk off to our movie. And they were like, okay, cool. We need to dress her like friend, dresser, and the nanny. And they were like, okay, that, that we could do close enough and we'll never acknowledge why. Now, we have to play now here that this movie does not, like it's the whole Mormons versus Baptist, but it's very like Mormon, it's a Mormon movie, right?

This isn't Baptist movie month. They go, they basically present Baptist as like having horns and laying eggs. And, and, and hard of it is supposed to, but part of the contrast is supposed to be that this is the kind of a hussy that Baptist girls grow up to be, right? That's a lot of this character. A bunch of dog groomers. If you know what I mean. Yeah, so yeah, so he takes the beagle to the guy that the guy who gave him the sandwich and we should point out that this character is a laymanite, right? He is a Native American. I think there's a cutscene, right? There's absolutely a cutscene somewhere. Now, I'm not saying it maybe we got filmed, but somewhere on this script writer's floor was like, you know, you people are actually mentioned in the book. Yeah, right. No, when you started the old guy at the

barbecue later, I was expecting the guy to ask him why he wasn't more delight, some never did. So, okay, so then we cut to Hebrews funeral, and it's awkward too, because they can't get the coffin through the door. They get a lot out of the carrying a dead guy gags in this moment. Sure do.

Oh yeah, yeah, they're just ineligently bashing the coffin against the entrance of the door, like a moment man on his wedding night. That's how we know. Yeah, so they're hanging out in the funeral. The beagle hussey Baptist chick is flirting with tartan, but he's interested in charity. So he hands her off to the lame and they will be love interests now, right? Yeah. So he goes over to charity and he's like, hi, I'm tartan. I'm going to stare at you for so long

that it would be really obvious that I'm picturing and surging my penis into your mouth. Hope that does, hope that's not awkward. She's like, it's not, apparently. I'm gonna be okay with you just staring longingly at my nose. Yeah, and she'd be like, that's fine as long as my mouth doesn't have to change

from the expression that it's currently in because it cannot do that. So if you can work with this, I think we're fine. There you go. Oh, you're can. Oh, you're can. Oh, okay. Cool. And then he's like, do you want to go to lunch? And she says, and please correct me if I'm wrong on this, because I think maybe I fell into some kind of heroin fugues, state while watching this movie. Does she she say I haven't met someone named Tartan? So yes. More or less. That is the reason why. Yeah. That is as much of a reason as she gives. So, okay, it's the next day. She's showing up

in his place for lunch. He's not going to then take her to a restaurant like a normal sane person. They're going to eat sandwiches at his fucking house. It's so strange. It's the, it's psychotic. It's absolutely psychotic. If I invited Noah out for lunch and meant my house, he'd be like, yeah, weird. That's weird.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Unless it was like, do you wanna come around for lunch? I'm going to make X and you would quite like to have X so I'll make X for you Right, that wouldn't be too unreasonable, but she gets there and he he's like well I might be able to make a lasagna. He hasn't started to make a lasagna He decides not to make a lasagna. He has no idea what they're gonna eat. Yeah, it's just come to my house stranger

And she does yeah, hadn't even really thought through what he was gonna make they end up having bags of chips and fucking wonder bread. It's like, this is like, if the scene was he's trying to run her off and make her think he's not interested, it makes sense. Yes, yes. Also, he explains that he can't eat lasagna because his face gets covered in sauce and she's like, yep, normal human thing to say about eating.

Yep. Anyway, so I think he's, but like I stopped and paused the movie and re-listened to that sentence, because I was sure that the shrooms had taken hold. And it was time to stop watching the movie for the day. I was thinking, like, is that us? Maybe I sloppy, kind of, lingus reference. I also think so.

I thought it was a sloppy, kind of, lingus reference, right? But he didn't say, if he had been like, sorry, I can't make his lasagna. When I ate lasagna, it gets all over my face. I would have been like, okay, Tee, where I get it, I get it. He finds Maroni in the boat. Good for him.

Right. This. And also, by the way, while they're having their sandwiches out on this fucking porch or whatever, he keeps talking with his mouth full. God, yes, not just full, but like he's worrying that someone's about to take one of his sandwiches full. He's like to stuff into each of his cheeks like a chipmunk carrying the sandwiches elsewhere

where it's safe. So, yeah. So okay, we skip ahead to the end of the week. It's Sunday again. I guess the Mormon higher ups have come to yard church now to tell them who's going to replace the dead guy as their branch president. I guess that he was the like head Mormon in town or whatever. Right.

And they're like, well, that guy, that guy's being mean. So we have a new character who's president. Is he going to matter to the movie? Nope, not even a little, not even a little. I don't think he'll get five lines, but um, here he is. Yeah, but he'll mostly exist so that no one can spend the rest of the movie going, okay, are they trying to make him look dorky or Mormon? I can't. I just call him bean head or bean Guy for the rest of it? Cause he looks so like a Limea Bean,

they grew a body and legs. No, I can't. I think he looks like when you take your baby to have like a novelty like Foltal Shoot where they dress it up as like an adult and put adult clothes on and put like a business. Yeah. That's what he looks like.

Right, right. No, exactly. The mall would not do a Mormon costume for us, by the way. I tip that lady well and she's still said now, right? Also, just a very small thing, but there's another just crunching music, where he sees charity and the music plays this like really shitty song. And the lyrics are, she was beautiful. It was circumstance. That's as good as they get. That's the creativity.

That was a lady. Events continued to occur. There were time demands to continue to move forward. Existence continued. Yeah. So they announced that this guy is going to be their new branch president. I think the character's name is Ian and the crowd is like, yeah, but what about a fucking church, though, right? You're a goddamn Mormonism. You have at least a hundred billion fucking dollars in the bank. How about throwing us up a fucking church? And they're like, you can have a trailer, right? Church trailer. And the movie is like, ain't it the truth? And I'm like, oh, that fucking sucks, sir. Yeah, because they're billionaires.

You give them 10% of your money. If you just kept that, you could build a church with it. It's, I can only describe it as like, has anyone ever been like tried to make an inside joke with you, but actually their life is just sad. They're like, time to get back to the wife. Yuck, am I right? And you're like, oh, you should get a divorce. That's what they do about their religion in this.

Right. All right, well, tell you what, this might not seem like an act break, but Mormons getting a trailer kind of is the plot of this movie, so we're gonna take a break here. But we'll back at a minute with even more Baptists at our barbecue. Hey, podcast listener, I'm No Illusions here

to tell you about this week's sponsor, Mint Mobile. As the first company to sell premium wireless service online only, Mint Mobile lets you order from home and save a ton while phone the plan started just $15 a month. Psh, nice try, officer. Eli, what are you talking about? Look, Noah, if I know one thing from my life experience,

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Understood so little of this sketch is a drugs thing. Oh, okay. Yeah got it right Dr. Bloom. Thank you so much for coming in. Yeah, it's really wonderful to meet you. My pleasure, gentlemen. How may I help? So, it's a bit of a right question, actually. We're making a film about Baptists and Mormons, you see. And we're hoping we could use your court about the two groups. I see, I see. Well, I have, of course, written extensively from my position at Yale

about the dangers both face the American populace. I assume this is some kind of drama. No, not a drama per se. It's actually a comedy. A black comedy. A grim look at the absurdity of religion through the lens of America's foremost theocratic dangers, Maxi, actually, more of a romantic comedy, really? Yeah, yeah, romantic Carolina slow motion shots of a blind lady. Yes. I see. Gentlemen, did you read anything I wrote on either side of the quote you want to use to

open your movie? We have not. No. I see. And how much are you paying? Uh, $22.17. Well, I am a teacher, so I will take it. I move you's got a sack race. Sack racers are fun. And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with how are the douchebag boyfriend who you forgot about showing up in town at the gas station in his douchebag convertible. It's weird that they chose an actor so much more attractive than the main character. Right. It is. I want a slice cold cuts with this man's and then eat them off of his face.

Yeah, okay. All right. Although his head does look like it's carved out of wood. Like it's like a blonde kind of mahogany kind of wood that they just carved into the shape of his hair. It looks perfectly solid. At no point does it make sense? Yeah.

So he has got that going against him. Well, I don't know, man, everything about this guy looks like it was carved out of wood. So yeah. Okay, okay, fat. So and now this is the weirdest fucking, this is such a lazy, stupid assing. So he's supposed up at the gas station, old slushy guys out there, apparently Tartan's just hanging out with old slushy guy. Now that's just what he does with his afternoons because one of the three slushy guys is dead.

And so Tartan just slips straight in and he goes, old slushy. Oh, that's right. He's sure dead. So how is like, hey, random person at the gas station. Do you know if charity's home? And we're like, why the fuck would anyone here know you're even talking about? But they're like, no, no, she went into town with her aunt to buy a fabric. She'll be gone all day. And he's like, okay, isn't this town? No So he's like, well, that's okay. I have foreseen this as a possibility and I have written a small a message on a small piece of paper That I've decided to entrust with the first random fucking person I saw in town Look, I'm trying to save my marriage here, but I have a tea time at three twenty three.

So I've decided to store it a 50%. So he's he hands the message to the old slushy guys like give this to to charities, like sure will. And then he drives off. And then Tarton buys the message from slushy guy and throws it away or burns it, I guess. He burns it. Yeah. Yeah. How does this movie not know he's the bad guy? I just he's so obviously the bad guy. The movie will be very confused for the rest of the movie about whether this was a good or a bad action.

Yeah, or whether or not it even happened. Yeah. Yeah. We're all talking about it when it happens. So we cut to tartan charity in the woods together for having the most boring god damn relationship in the history of cinema. Oh my god. It's, Have you ever like gotten somehow stuck on a double date with just a couple of nothings? Yeah. Just two fucking cups of vanilla pudding and you're so desperate for conversation that you're like, how did you meet? And they're like, my friend, new her, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. Yeah. It's like those people were allowed to make a movie instead of bore you for 20 minutes. Oh, look, like both of these actors are hot, right?

But like I feel like I would fall asleep watching them fuck. There's no damn boring question. And so she's like, you know, and she's going like, yeah, you know, it's, it's so sad, you know, me and Howard were so close for so long, but now, you know, he hasn't called, he hasn't written, he hasn't left a note with the slushy guy, nothing. And of course, Tartan's going like, oh, wow, yeah. The narrator even cuts in and goes like, I'm starting to wonder whether it was the right thing to burn that note or not.

Yeah, he says in voiceover, like, oh, I stopped it. For some reason, I started to feel guilty about that. Yeah, because it was a massive betrayal of truth. Yes, of course. You felt guilty about it. Obviously. And she's like, Hey, I made food. Why don't you eat it?

And he's like, yeah, you know, this movie hasn't had a scene yet of me eating food. And then deciding it's not very good halfway. Well, it hasn't had one in 20 minutes anyway. So like, let's do that again, right? But again, it's the craziest way of doing that because she's made a barito. Now a barito, that could be a spice sitting, maybe it's too spice of him. It could have too many like raw onions in, maybe it doesn't like raw onions. No, the problem with this barito that they're eating in the middle of the woods is that the beans are frozen. So that she's, she's used frozen beans. Hasn't noticed that the

beans are still frozen. And then they haven't defrosted at any point during the due time. Right. Yes. Or the subsequent conversation time. And so he has to hide a half eaten burrito still with absolutely frozen beans wherever he can. It's just a crazy way of doing.

I can't eat this thing. You've made me. It's just ridiculous. Well, I know so close to trying to set up this slapsticky thing where he spits the bean burrito back into this bag of Doritos that he's got or whatever, but he's in the fucking woods. Yes. Right. Like, you can, you can literally spit anything anywhere.

You're in the fucking woods. Right. Yeah. And then again, this is, this slapstick is so convoluted. She's like, can I have one of your chips? And he's like, you're holding a bag of chips and she's like, yes, I am. And all we had to do is not hand me a bag of chips at the beginning of this scene.

Or have me have a different kind of a different ship. Anything, anything from his scene to make sense. But no, can I try one of those flavoured chips? Would work here, but they've got, and the thing is, they're both plain chips as well. There's no flavoured chips. They're both oily, but it's a very bad chips. They're both alien. Not you. She's Dorita. She also, and maybe this was me desperately

trying to infuse meaning into a movie that was more and more by the second becoming a narcotic to me. Does she imply she'll fucking for a chip? There's definitely that implication there. Yeah. I'm not saying she says she'll fuck them for a chip, but there's a I would Fuck you if you'd give me a chip tone to after he says no. Yep too late now. Yeah, there is there is that is true I just I love as she's asking for she's like can I have one of your chips and he's like you have a bag of chips Your own I feel like he would break up with her right now. He would leave the woods He's just like I'm done. I'm done. This relationship is obviously not gonna work out. So.

But the thing is, this scene is then over and it doesn't matter. And this is the first time that I put in my notes. Every single scene of this film could be removed to be like cut for time and it would make zero difference to the plot. None of this needed to be in here. Yes.

Cut for time. Rearranged, too. You could randomize the scenes in this movie, and it would not change. Yeah, the plot of this movie. It's like every single scene is film, is like a side quest from the main plot that you can do in any order in the open world game.

Yeah. So you could have done this first, or you could have gone away defeat to the bad guy, become super powerful, and then still come back and do this side quest. It's fine. It doesn't, right. It's not mattering at all. You didn't have enough hearts to get into the final part

of the movie. Right, right. Just gonna take around a little bit. Yeah. So, okay, so now we, we had Tartan Chat with Orville while they whittle, right? Yeah. What are they whittling?

What are they whittling? It's something white. Is it polystyrene? I was, the only thing I cared about now was what they were whittling. So, honestly, Marsh, I know, but I saw it, and you're not, I didn't want to tell you. I was, the only thing I cared about now was what they were whittling. So honestly, Mars, I know, but I saw it. You're not, I didn't want to tell you. I was gonna be like, I'm just gonna let him wonder.

But no, it's soap. They're whittling soap. They're whittling soap. Yeah, yeah, that's just why they whittling soap. Because their Mormons in there, and I don't know how to fuck or have fun, right? Because so that's the kind of thing that they do instead. They carve shit out of soap.

You could have told me that as a lie and I have no idea. It could not be that and I have no idea. If I was now like, no, we're just fucking with you. That was the result of a random word generator, Marsh. That could, that is as equally plausible as the very real fact that like people just whittles shit out of us up. Yeah. Okay. It comes in handy.

If you're in prison, I've heard a prisoner's whittling guns out of soap that look realistic enough to get out of the breakout of prison. Sure. Right. I could see that. I could see that. I think he's whittling a snowman and I don't think I'm going to get him out of anything. No, probably not.

Yeah. So yeah. So fucking orville gives him some lame and night wisdom or whatever. And then we get this scene where he's on the phone with his mom and I, I almost left this scene out of my notes, but again, like Mars said, any scene could be cut. He's on the phone with his mom. He hears a gunshot out in the woods. So he goes running out in the woods now.

He has to run past a no hunting sign. So we as Americans know that this isn't good gun shots in the woods behind your house, right? I just love for Marsha's sake that the movie felt like he'd clarify that. Yeah. And he runs out and there's this, there's this crazy guy running around in the woods, shooting randomly. Like I guess he's hunting maybe he's shooting at things only he can see we don't know with this character Is such a weird choice in the movie he will just randomly show up and be like he's the postman now Oh, who's made the soup for the sandbox? It's him like it's his though They were like okay guys We need to hire four more actors to play crazy hunter guy the boyfriend of the lady at the end, and the guy who

yells, well, go me at the barbecue. And they were like, we do not have the budget. We spend it all on those frozen burritos. We're going to need one actor to be all three parts and never acknowledge why. Well, but also none of those things matter, right? So it's just it's equally like they just got this far in. And then they were like, oh, fuck, we didn't come up with something for Dave's brother. We need a character for Dave's brother.

Yes, it is that he ran up to him as they were all doing the rap party. So when do we shoot my scenes? They just sadly started unpacking the camera. You are the love interest for and limb. Yeah. So he runs out. He sees the sky shooting and now his literal fucking job. He's the park ranger. His literal fucking job is to go up to this guy and say, Hey, man, you can't hunt out here. I'm going to like write you a ticket or something along those lines, right? Yeah. But instead, he decides to hide behind a tree and arc rocks and hit this guy in the head

To make him think that rocks are falling from the sky on him or he's being attacked because he immediately Start shooting into the bruts. Yes. Yeah. He starts just shooting randomly. Yeah, like it in real in reality Our main character throws one rock at him the guy turns around and puts a bullet in him And that's the end of this movie. That happens in reality. Yeah. Yeah, but no, instead he's firing blindly into the woods, but you know, in a funny way, Tartin giggles playfully and the guy runs off and that's the whole fucking sea. Yep, right, that's it. Yep, that's that bit of business done. 45 seconds of soul and we're out. So, okay, so now the whole town is gathered

to watch the new trailer chapel for the Mormon show. Like they seriously, they are cheering the oversized load procession like it's a fucking parade. Oh, yeah, it's not the Beatles just rolled into town in the 60s. Exactly. So as everybody's marveling at that, we cut over to Tartan and charity who are having

Apple slices on a picnic blanket. This is, by the way, this is the third time we've seen them together in all three instances they have been consuming food outdoors. That is the basis of their relationship. Yup. Right. Bugs in your coleslaw. This movie might as well some start showing us the slides

from his and charity's vacation. The circle of the day. And the grand canyon is just so beautiful. I'll kill myself. I'll kill myself right in front of you right now. So again, so the dorky guy cuts the ribbon on the new church. We get this big scene where everybody's inside.

There's a bunch of boxes of church stuff for them to look over. Oh yeah. But with those boxes there, because the chapel's just arrived off the back of a truck. Did it come pre-lauded with church stuff? Because normally you came pre-lauded, yeah, it's one of those pre-fab churches comes with the pews.

Yeah, that's Bible. It's like when you buy a house on Skyrim and there's suddenly a lot of apples in a barrel. So I don't remember the name. Yeah, it came that way. Yeah. Right. No, and keeping in mind that this is a double wide trailer, right? So like one side of it and shipping is just color covered by plastics. So that's a tricky form to do. And this is also where Beanheaded, new preacher guy is like, hey, you're a part of the church now, which is going to explain why you're doing church stuff in the second half of the movie. Okay. And he's like, what?

Yeah. Right. You're my second in command. Why? Because you're the main character, man. Obviously. Well, you're doing, you're in the movie. It's so weird because he offers Tart and a job, but they both seem really reluctant to

have the conversation about it. So they, he says like, you know, do you want to be my second? He's not allowed. And they're being very assertive about it. Like neither one to be having this discussion. It's, it's such a strange beat to hit, such a strange tone. Yeah, right now, it's like a Mormon trying to talk to his kids about sex or something. Yeah.

So yeah, but so now he's the fucking first counselor whatever the fucking vice president of Mormonism in that town So him and the dorky guy and and being head set out to pester all the Inactive members in the area and wouldn't you know it? It's gun guy from earlier in the movie. Yeah. Yeah, so they get to this one place where you know So he's obviously living in extraordinary poverty, but don't worry in a funny way Yeah, and the guy shoots at him as they walk up we're, you know, so he's obviously living in extraordinary poverty, but don't worry in a funny way. Yeah. And the guy shoots at him as they walk up.

And he's like, don't shoot at us. We're Mormons. And he's like, oh, that's the correct religion. I shant murder you. Yeah. I wondered at what extent this movie would stop pretending gun violence was funny, right? Like if a gun accidentally goes off and shoots a child in a face and it's still being like, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man that God's man and I'm he knows because God's been throwing rocks at a zid. Which he said is the scariest thing he's ever been through. So the scariest thing he's ever been through is having

stones mysteriously being thrown in while he's standing in a field full of stones and hiding places. Yep. And the only thing he can say there is, well, that must be God. It can't have just been anybody in any one of these bountiful hiding places throwing any of these bountiful stones at me. Right. No, he's, yeah, no. This character is clearly mentally ill and such a way as to be a danger to both himself and others, but don't worry in a funny way in like a funny, like gun shot, kind of gun violence way. Yeah. So the next day though, we find out that the back half of their double wide church trailer has been stolen. Now, I want to point out what an ocean's 11 fucking heist that would be, right? Because that's not how double wide trailers don't just sit next to each other.

They're connected, right? They're going to have to gather like Lego pieces. Yeah. And also, you'd have to empty one half at least into the other half if not complete. Yeah, because they've got a lot of boxes in Yes, and then you'd have to get it onto a truck and it's like a five-man job at least I mean It's like a one guy can like just like hoi-kit on the back of a pickup and leave over nice. I'll learn It will in fact be what exactly exactly that yeah

But the key here though is that all the Mormons think that the fucking Baptist did it because isn't that just like Baptists? Oh, so this is probably like a turning point in the movie where the Mormon and Baptists' rivalry really heats up, huh? No, I know they're just gonna move on. No, okay, but I'm sure that the characters will somehow like follow through and find out who stole it. And maybe the Mormons and the Baptist will find out together and that'll bring them closer

than ever. And it's not necessarily. Are we never ever going to speak about this plot point again for the rest of the movie? Pretty close. Yeah. So that night. So and again, like this is a spot that like opens itself up to a lot of humor, right?

So that night they're trying to have church in just half of the trailer. There are ways to make that funny, right? There are weather related ways that you can make that funny. They don't. Instead, Tartin's addressing the crowd. Why? Because he's the main character. And he's like, you know, we're just going to have to make the most out of the half

of a church that we have So now and this character we haven't mentioned her yet, but but charities Antis a major character in this and she's like I can take care of this I'll make a quilt that'll cover the entire back of the church. Yeah, tonight and she does overnight I thought he foot by ten foot quilt that she makes all the night. And it's just there. And look, that's kind of a bit, right? But this movie's so fucking lazy, they didn't make a quilt to cover the back of a building.

It's very clearly like three sheets of cloth hung over the back of this building. Yeah. Because they went to the props guy and they were like, can you make a big quilt for this visual gag? And he was like, can you fuck yourself? And they were like, no, I'm better. And doesn't she then like she says she's done, she does the quilt thing. And then she, doesn't she basically say along the lines of, well,

I've got like nothing else in my life. And I'm so sad and lonely that I just made quilt. It's like, you just like trampled all over any of the human in this. Oh, that was so fucking dark. Yeah. That's like, lady, come on. Just go check knit quilts with superhuman speed. We don't need to hear your life story.

We don't want to hear you try. Yeah, she stands up the next day and they're like, oh, well, you know, sister Lynn, get took care of us and made this amazing quilt overnight. And she's like, yes, it's because I have no husband and have never known love and never will no love. And then she just starts weeping helplessly. And everyone sings a hymn. Right there like, oh, well, this is a fucking bummer.

Somebody sing a upbeat song. This is all good, great. Come on, right, come on. She's weeping too loud. Get a song on the go. Right. So, and then the Baptist by the way, as soon as they start singing a hymn, the Baptist start ringing the bells at their church so they don't have to listen to those shitty

Mormons with their shitty Mormon stuff. And don't they also like pull up like a siege drawbridge in front of the church? Yeah, it does. It does only cheer against this. Yes. Moat situation. Yeah. No, literally they say, and then the Baptist put a big wall in front of their church so

they wouldn't have to look at filthy Mormons. Again, they have horns and lay eggs in this movie. So okay, but then tartan decides he's got, he's figured out how he's going to solve all this town's problems. They're going to have an interfaith barbecue. Hey, everybody, I was just looking at this front of the script and this is called Baptist Center Barbecue. We are 45 minutes in. Yeah, so even though this is actually the least likely point at which we should have an Interfaith barbecue, we're going to have an Interfaith barbecue. And one lady goes, Baptists at our barbecue.

Yeah. Title drop now. I wanted Samuel Jackson to stand up and be like, Hey, little munch. Can I just. Especially singes, she says, Baptist, like it's the end word. Oh, rather a word she wouldn't use casual in conversation. All right. Yeah, exactly. So then we get this fucking montage of tartan charity making signs for the town barbecue and hanging them up. Hang in them up all in exactly the same place, like 15 signs on the same wall.

Yeah, this very efficient use of your time. That's not how hanging flyers works. Yeah, every time show hang a flyer, he'll fly hang a flyer right next to it. And we like, dude, just let her have her fucking glory. You ask. Oh, this montage is a hell, right? Because you're like, oh my god, this movie's so boring. Okay, we get it.

They hung up flyers together and then it just goes on. Oh my god. And on and like I won't expose you to each beat of it, podcast listener, but truly by the end of it, I was like, how do I end this month? I'm forwarding like dressfully dragging the little slider photo on YouTube, but it's just still going. There's no fucking way to stop it.

And eventually, so this ends, we end eventually on Tartan at the library, trying to make small talk with the librarian who's still angry at the Mormons for all their him singing. Only scene that I like in the movies. He the movies like so how's it fuck yourself? Okay He says, you know, I'm really interested in what you and your husband think it's just like the only thing you're interested in is leading us into the Miss of darkness I'm like wow Oh, I hate that I got this reference because she makes the whole great and spacious building and I was like I

Yes, I hate it. She does that twice. She said something one time about having her hand on the rod. And we're like, it's not, it's not as exciting as what you think. It's a reference to the book enormously. No, I'm a march. This is from the bud. This is the book. The only thing that happens in the most boring part of the worst work of the bad. So, so he has that conversation with her. He goes outside and shitter guy runs up to him and he's just pouring fucking sweat and he's like, Hey, man, we just found out that that barbecue you're inviting all the Baptist to some of the Baptists are going to come. I wanted that lady to stand up again and be like, you mean there's going to beists? I said stop.

Okay. Yeah. The stakes are very much that the baptists might show up to the barbecue they've been invited to. It's amazing. Right. Well, there was this moment when they were trying to sell the congregation on it where he's like, oh, come on,

the baptists aren't gonna show up and we'll just look like better people for having invited them. So we'll win at the charity. Is this why they talk about the food at the barbecue as well? And I think he sort of warns. He's like, oh, but Lonnie soaks her beans. And I wrote, okay, that's like definitely a Mormon-wanking euphemism, right? Yeah, I'm masturbating. She's just soaking her bean, you know? And yeah, right. So he warns that the babes are going to have even better beans than the Mormons and

that's going to be problematic. And then Tarton goes to leave the gas station, but not before my best worst shows up. Rich, the guy, the drunken guy who's job he stole is sitting in his truck and he yells out his window and I quote, you stupid water drinker. Okay. I might as well call him an arm-haver, right? That's just a warm-in, so you stupid water drinker. Yeah.

It's like when I try to run my skating atheist headlines through chat GPT and it'll try to replace all my fuck use with like, I sure am disappointed in the pope. Oh, so okay. So sometime later, Tartan and Charity are on the porch being banal. This is where he explains that he thinks God sent her to him because he was a good Mormon.

You know, like a trophy, like she's a trophy. Yes. Yeah, he literally is like, I think you were like a gift from God and she's like, nice. Yes. Yeah. He literally is like, I think you were like a gift from God and she's like, nice. Cool. Yeah. Oh, he also says, they're like leaning in and he says, how do you feel right now?

And she says, comfortable. And can I just say, if I was ever about to kiss a woman and I asked how she felt and she said comfortable, I would commit Sepaku on the spot. Yeah. The dead people from the happening would be like, that guy's fucking committed. That's what I have to do. Yeah. It is a devastating thing she could do to crush him at that point.

She's just like, yeah, just comfy, really. I guess. Yeah. How do you feel it? Meh. Meh. Non-threatened. Yeah. Okay. Okay.

So yeah, so then we get a meeting where all the Mormons have gathered up to talk about the dangers of having Baptists at their barbecue. Okay, now I do. I do want to give credit to the only funny, the line that genuinely made me laugh in this movie is the old lady who's like, they stole our church. I had a dream about it. And they were like, really what you dream? And she goes, I dreamed about a crow. And they're like, and she's like, and I don't like crows. That's it. That's it. It's a whole bit. And I was

like, okay, movie credit. We're credits too. That's funny. But the thing is, right? She had a dream or a crawl. She thinks it's prophecy. Everyone looks at her like she's crazy, as if that isn't the precise, evidentiary standard on which their whole theology is. They had a dream about a thing that I guess that's true then. Honestly, if Joe Smith had claimed that he was told the book of Mormon by a crow, it would be less bullshitty than the thing he said. Yes. And we all know the real reason she doesn't like crows. It's nothing to do. She says, oh, they stole my tomatoes. It's nothing to do with tomatoes. It's because crows are more, you know, cursed than say, dubs, dubs. Right.

Right. Divided some than crows. Yeah, it's exactly, it's a delight some this issue. Yeah. So, yeah, so, so, so, Tartan, he's frustrated. He storms out and wouldn't you know it? Librarian lady is there in fucking disguise

to like stem over and warn them about the dangers of his interfaith barbecue. Right. And then then they get in a weird fight about young earth creationism. They do, yes. Yeah. And you say they get into fight. It's well that she gets in a fight with his truck.

Yep. And again, they're trying to do slapstick. They don't know the limits of slapstick. So they have a woman in her like 50s or 60s jump on the front of his truck as he reverses away from her. So like he's already doing like 15, 20, 20, that's a hell of a judge. Yes. She leaves on him like she's the fucking T1,000. I wrote, yeah, we're getting some full on terminator two shit going on right now. Yeah. Well, yeah, and this of course ends with him throwing the 50 year old woman off of his truck

in a speedy turn or whatever and then driving away. Yeah. Yeah. While she yells at him, Tautin spelled backwards is Satan. So she said, obviously, it's not. It's not rat. I'm sorry. I'm looking at it right here.

So now it's the day of the barbecue. They're all heading there and lonely soul quilt maker. Her truck won't start so they get in her other truck. Jesus why is this scene? But the end result of is that they're in a panel truck, right? So that like charity and tartan are up front and everyone else has to get in the back of a panel truck. And that's the humor now is that there be an bounce around without any seat belts or safety equipment, I guess. Yeah, including the Baptist dog lady. So they've just forgotten that they don't invite

the Baptist dog lady to their special Mormon things. So they're supposed to hate Baptist, but she's been at most of the Mormon meetings by this point. Right, right, yeah, exactly. And so, and this is of course where they have to have the bit where like he tries to tell charity that he burned the note that Howard left, but she interrupts him halfway through so that this can come out and act three instead and now

Oh my god. What a fucking dumb. What a boring and terrible way to tell your story right so the only resemblance this movie has to a standard romantic comedy is there is a misunderstanding that happened at the beginning of the movie and it will be revealed now and we will be mad at each other and then we won't be. We love each other. But instead, he goes, Hey, I'm going to reveal that thing and she goes, No, it's okay. I already know. And so there will be no stakes until about four seconds before the ends of the movie, where the movie will go like, No, I want those stakes back. I really, it's hard to communicate how painful. Yeah, where the movie will go like no, I want those stakes back. I

Really it's hard to communicate how painful this movie is to watch because the thing about bad drama is you can be like look how hard they tried But this is like someone loudly farted and they're like get it and you're like Yeah Yeah, I will say I will say while they're in this truck, they go over to heavy speed bumps or like, like, your ditches in the road. Yeah. And you see charity kind of like bounce around in the cab for those two. And then she turns to him, says, I think I'm officially over how it now.

Is that, ladies, you feel that way now? Wait until he finds you a cobble street to drive down. You're not gonna... Like very definitely about the world. You know, this version of Mormon ain't getting in there at all. Yeah. You're gonna take it where she can get it, I guess. Yeah, so, okay, so we get to the barbecue,

and we have this bit, and we're again, like how did you not realize that this is a terrible bit to put in your comedy movie? The bit is this old guy is telling a boring story to our main character, but we're going to listen to the whole boring fucking story. The whole thing. And we're supposed to be amused and entertained just because he like barely glances at the

camera like pretty boring, right? Yeah, right. Gastation Willie shows up. Now, you'll remember he's a Baptist, so he's a little nervous coming to a Mormon barbecue. Yeah, even though he lives in a town that is literally 50% in the moment, he can't move for bumping into more than the constant business. Right, right. Oh my god. Is this where they say, oh, Willie, it's fine. You should try the pretzel casserole. Oh, sorry, the fucking way.

Is this like a wiggling soap thing where you guys are going to say to me, but that is a thing that actually exists. Oh, yeah, pretzel casserole is a big thing that exists. That is the most American dish I've ever heard of in my fucking life. I deliberately did not Google it because I did not want Google images to form. The only way that could be more American if it was if it was fried pretzel casserole. Deep fried go home pretzel casserole moon pie ice box. Okay, I've Googled it. It looks fucking revolting.

Yeah. Now I suppose it's okay. Okay, the liver poolian is here telling us what looks revolting everybody. This is how far we've stooped as a country is that the brains are like, that looks fucking girl. Eat a pan of scouse. Eat a pan of scouse and then tell me it's not delicious. That is the liver puddleian meal.

That's what the scouse is named after. It is a billion times more delicious than this. I'm sorry, Marcia. I'm eating this fresh, juicy apple, which my country bought. I'm just eating this fresh fruit that my country purchased for me. So yeah, that's nice. So we get this one. I should have everybody having fun at the picnic.

And there's just one shot where the Baptist chick that he got to be go from is playing soccer in high heels. And I learned I have a kink that I didn't know about in that exact moment. Holy shit. Yeah, no, a new tab opened on a lot of computers. And the thing, that even that aside, she has the best football skills I have ever seen in a religious movie and she's wearing high heels doing it. It's yeah, her control is jet. Her touch is excellent. She's got a great. Oh, right on. Okay. Again, they were like, why wouldn't she be the love

interest? And they're like, we're put her in high heels. It's okay. Yeah, right. And this was another music cues where the music comes in. And this is the the song that is so like archetypal of this film that they use it of the end credits. And the lyrics go, now I don't like you. You don't like me. At least that's one point on which we can agree. There must be something we can do. I'll tell you one thing. Let's have a barbecue. Yes. It's describing the plot of the film into it. It's got a kill to real bummer. Yeah. Yeah. They have a little

sacra. They actually make more, be in a Mormon. Look pretty fucking awesome for that scene. But what we, what we also see in the background background is rich the guy that hates him because he took his job Sneaking around behind the barbecue with a giant gas can Up to no good here. I wrote in my notes. Okay, if the rest of the movie is just a shot for shot remake of glory But with white people I of glory, but with white people. I am in. All right. Well, tell you what, it looks like something's on the verge of happening.

So I feel like we all need a minute to brace ourselves. But first, let me back through the hard self. Is rich going to set the townspeople on fire in a righteous conflagration that ends their false piety and avenges his unwarranted termination? Will their vicious religious tensions follow historical trends and erupt in an orgy of violence and murder? Who will win the talent show? By now the answers to these questions and more will we return for the wacky conclusion of

Baptists at our barbecue No No I'm pretty sure this one's just a cult so no Oh hey like what you're doing then Oh, I'm just looking through the app store. Oh, hey, like, what you're doing there? Oh, I'm just looking through the app store for a fitness app that actually works, you know?

Oh, how so? I don't know. When you look at the app store, the ones that are free always have like a weird catch and the paid ones are always some super specific program. I just wish there was a fitness app made for me, you know? Well, why don't you try FitBod? What's FitBod?

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Hey, Marsh, how do you stay in shape anyway? Oh, me. no, I use brick board. What's that? So I do one squat thrust every year and I look like this telemating. Wow. What if you did two squat thrusts? I die. I see. Yeah, no, that tracks. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha rewarding. Awesome awesome. But we do we have a note. Oh, of course, I mean, you're the director and the chief camera guys. Well, how can I help? What's up? Right. So a few and it really is just a few of your improvs have been a little totally inconsistent. Hmm. How so? Also, like in that last scene, the line in the script after you fell in the mud is Oh gosh. Right?

Right, but you said, I feel as though I've been raped. It's not my body that's broken, but my heart. But my heart, yeah, that's what it said. You see how that, like it's slightly inconsistent with the slapstick fall into the mud. I do not see that. No. Okay. Okay.

Well, how about this one? In the scene where you fall in the duck pond, your line was oof. Yeah. And what did I say? You said, I know now that there is no God in heaven because if there was, he'd have been merciful enough to kill me enough to kill me Yeah, I thought that was a really good improv look guys. Sorry. I don't want to be like rude or interrupt the vision But if you guys are gonna insist on like word perfect

Consistency with the script. It's gonna take the oomph out of my performance. You know, I want I want to be fresh Um, you know what? Yeah, it's fine. It's fine. I'm sure most people won't even notice. OK, are you ready to do the shot where you pet the puppy? Oh, yeah, totally ready. Great, great. Alan, are you ready to shoot? Oh, yeah, ready to go. Great.

And action. Oh, puppy! I love you so deeply, but you'll never heal the wound in my raped heart. Okay, he improvised the word right again. He sure did. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. And we're back for still more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with the start

of the much-vonted long-fellow talent show. I wrote in my notes at this point, I can't say how much I don't want to watch this talent show montage. Deep in my bones, I don't want to watch this talent show montage. I know everything that's going to happen in this talent show montage. I've seen it all in my dreams 10,000 times. I beg you God, if you rest in heaven, don't make me watch this talent show, but he did. But he doesn't.

Yeah. It was never going to go well because like this film obviously doesn't know what constitutes talent because anybody who could recognize me perform a talent would definitionally not be anything to do with this movie. Yeah. This is the movie of nobody with any talent. So I thought they say the talent show opens up. It's a little kid doing armpit farts. And I'm like, okay, strong opener, always a strong

opener, armpit for, but it goes downhill pretty quickly after that. Yeah. Although important plot point during the talent show, Wendy, yeah, right. What is important is anyone can be in this movie. But yeah, Wendy, the 18 year old that pedophile apologist mom was trying to set tarten up with. She's doing her act. She falls down. Willie, the Baptist gas station attendant rushes into rescue her. So there are a couple now.

He's claimed her. Yes, which is why again, he portrayed his character as having the mind of a child. Right. Because this actor's like 32, he portrayed his character as having the mind of a child. Right. Is this actor's like 32, right? Yes. So he's so much older than her that when he picks her up and it's supposed to be like a, my hero moment, it much more looks like, oh, look, that adult is carrying that child to safety.

Yeah. Yes, sure does. It definitely does. It definitely does. And I think is all she's done is fallen. Like, she stood up and she falls while dancing. So she's not going to have hurt herself that much, but he immediately picks her up and runs off with her like he's called bagsy, like he's called Tim and then he's off.

Yeah. For the American Lister's bagsy is the British dibs. It's the British. It is a British dibs. I was called switching as I went. No, no, it wass. I was called switching as I went. No, no, it was good. I should point out, Britzer has it to call dibs after they did it to Indian.

It turned into a whole thing. They had to call it a taxi from Anahana. There. So, so okay. So meanwhile, Rich is over at Tartens place. He was just at the fucking picnic. So apparently they're having this in Tartens backyard, right? So, but they aren't having,

this is, they're saying, oh, this annoyed me so much because they're not because we saw them get into a van and drive a long way down a bumpy road to get to the talent show. And yet Rich is there. In a second, fucking Willie will show up still carrying the child.

So he's ran with her for at least four miles while holding her because she's, because she's got aoboo on her knee. Right. And Rich carried that gas can the whole way. We should point out that it's about a 330 gallon can that he's carrying. So, okay, so he, but he's gotten to Tarton's house and he's going to burn it to the ground. He goes inside, doors not locked. He opens the gas can.

Why would you lock the door in this town that is driven by religious blood of feud? Why would it be unnecessary? Exactly. Exactly. It would just be unnecessary. So he opens the gas can, but just as he does, Willie shows up with Wendy. So he sets, and this is important, the open gas can in the middle of the fucking room, and then just sort of hides behind the door.

Yep. Right? I point that out because Willie and Wendy will spend like five minutes in this room without noticing an open gas can. Yeah. No, it's the country and sometimes people have open gas. It's like when you're so whittling and making your pretzel casserole, sometimes you want to open gas can right in front of the TV. Right. No, you weren't. Not because Rich has slushed the gas around before he puts the can down. We seem slushed about a bit. So this room is going to stink of gas. Oh, yeah. The gas smell, the entire room is going to stink of gas.

They're going to be high from the films after five minutes in this room. Yes, exactly. So, yeah, so they leave, they don't notice the gas can. And then, I guess it's now Willie's turn at the talent show. He's got a talent. He's gonna snort a piece of rope up his nose and pull it out of his mouth. I know the guy who invented that act is a thing I can say at my life is weird.

I used to do that in high school. I was in high school in the 90s. When did he invent it? He invented it in the 60s. Oh, okay. I have never seen this done before. I have never seen this done before. I mean, I can understand how it was done.

It's not mystifying to me. I can understand some of the biology involved. But to be fair, the actor actually did this, which is the only time in any of this that the actor actually performs the talent that it could discern and be constituted as talent. That's the only one of the talents that they do the thing. I'm sorry, that's the first time. There's a second time in this movie where an actor shows some genuine talent and that's about to come right the fuck up because it's time for Bob to do a magic show.

Eli found this very triggering Bob is going to do a magic show. I found this very insulting to my people. The audience really love his magic. Like the magic goes down really well with this audience Eli. I don't know how, like, I don't know. You probably had some more right gigs, but like, it's really, really good. I don't know whether you want to sort of like,

I know sharing tricks is a thing that happens in magic. I don't know whether you want to pick up any tips as well. I wanted a Disney warning before this movie. Like this contains content that might be insulting to musicians, we've moved on since then. Yeah, so he does the terrible, like, you know, Uncle Magic's shit, you know, they're like, oh, I've pulled my thumb off.

He does a bunch of that type of stuff for a while. Yeah, my notes literally read, fuck me, I do not need a Bob scene right now. And then actually I take that back. I need to be able to watch Eli watch the scene. That's all in it. That would have been fun. Yeah.

So, but we're cutting between his wacky finger magic and rich, dousing Tartan's house with gasoline. Well, it turns out that shitter guy was in tartans bathroom the whole time, the whole time that he started sloshing gasoline around the whole time that Willie and Wendy came in and left the rest of the sloshing is he was in the shitter the whole time because that's his thing, right? Being in bathroom. So, so it's not to eat. And when he comes out, we've got rich, like he's lit the match, but he's thinking he's not sure if he really wants to do it. But when he notices the other guy, he gets distracted and accidentally drops the match and

sets everything aflame, right? Right. But this is a pulp fiction reference, right? Is it? This is John Travolta coming out of the bathroom to find Bruce Willis holding a gun. And then there's the moment where they look at each other and then Bruce Willis shoots him. This is it. I will die. I will go to my grave swearing. This is a Pulp Fiction reference. This is a, all right. Interesting. A Pulp Fiction Deep Cut in Baptist Center Barbeque. Yeah. I am relatively certain that the people who made the Mormon vehicle Baptist at our barbecue Had not seen Pope Fisher. That's just that is my guess, but okay, you believe what you need to believe I think they may have seen a pastiche of Pope fiction somewhere Pope fiction was 99 this is In the middle that they could have could have seen

Secondary reference, okay, there. Simpsons version of something. I'm sure there you go. The moment's unlocked. What's the sense? No, there's some sort of semi-clean version that they were like. Stick to your guns, Marsh. This is an homage to Quentin Tarantino's hyperviolence. The movie that set the record for the most fox in a single film.

Yeah. Absolutely. You know what? I'm going to, I'm going to go one step further. I think the child falling down and hurting her leg and Willie carrying it to the house, what was cut out there was an extended foot seam. An extended seam. Massaging her foot, making sure her foot is okay. This is all going to our Tino.

I mean, honestly, though, that would make sense out of the football scene with the Baptist beagle lady. Right. So yeah, no, okay. All right. I'm coming around. I'm coming around. All right. So but during the middle of this challenge, everybody noticed this this column of smoke rising from right around where Tartons houses. So everybody runs. There's this huge configuration turns out that shitter guy got out in time. He jumped out the bathroom window or whatever and didn't die in a terrible house fire as we were immediately led to believe. Right. Yeah. And Tantan's pretty relaxed about his house being on fire, but in fairness,

it wasn't a very nice house. It was not a good place. He's thinking, yeah, this is probably and it was free. So why the fuck would he care? Right. It's barely even worth the insurance money at this point. I think I'm finishing net up at this point. It's just though, Tartin is walking through the scenes in the movie in a random order at this point, because he's like, I don't really know where my emotional stakes are. Like, did I just get here?

Is this the end of the movie? I don't really know. Yeah. Like, it's the time travel is wife. Yeah, exactly. Yes. Well, to the point where there's like a voice over that seems to be explaining his lack of acting, acumen and retrospect, right?

He's like, you know, I really wasn't all that upset about everything that I own being burned to the ground. I'm like, feel like you would have been right. Um, he's like, I was really mad because the barbecue ended on such a down note. Yeah, which is a pretty tough review of both magic hack to be fair. It is fair, but it's scathing. Yeah, I hate to see it. So I guess he's going to stay with Orville now, right?

So we get it like that night. He's pulling back up at his house after doing some shit or whatever. And Rich is waiting for him and Rich pushes him when he gets out of his truck, but then he gets up and Rich is like, fuck, I didn't think of then you get up. And so he starts running away. Yeah, his plan is filed. Rich is in such a different movie here. This is like a violent murder attempt.

Like, don't get me wrong. These actors don't know fight choreography, but at one point he like sneaks up behind him and tries to bludgeon him to death with a giant branch. Oh, yeah, in the chassis. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. him to death with a giant branch. Oh, yeah, in the chassis. Yeah, absolutely. Regis in some kind of horrifying, like post hatred, like thriller. Right. And everyone else is in fucking baptists at our barbecue. Yes, exactly. So yeah. So I guess he runs off into the woods. Tartan chases him. Don't worry, the scene's in the dark,

so we don't have to see it generally. This, I almost went with best worst dark scene because truly this part of the movie is unwatchable. And I mean, that in the physical sense. Right. No, you're seeing as much of it as we are, listener. But it does resolve with this moment where he uses, I didn't know Mormons had this superpower

like they have like spidey senses, but Mormonism style, right? He uses his Mormon senses to duck under Rich's branch strike by sensing it from behind. Yeah. And then he comes up and he punches Rich in the guts. Which is the second time we've seen him punch Rich in the gut. So this time when I saw it, it was like, oh, the old punch in the stomach, rich is one weakness. All right. You can't see it because he's wearing a shirt, but he actually has a red blinking belly

button. So I was like, you had the bandage X like in the lightest and punch out. Yeah. Armor everywhere, but the stomach is okay. This is doing. That's fine. Yeah. So okay. So he punches shit or guy out, then he goes to Yeah. This is doing. That's fine. Yeah. So okay. So he punches shitter guy out. Then he goes to walk back, but he realizes he's lost. He doesn't know where he is and the woods, which is strange because he is 20 seconds from his house. Yeah. From what was left of his house in one direction, 20 seconds in the same direction. You could still see your headlights. Your headlights have done that dim but not out thing yet, man.

He's walking that direction. And also, you're the goddamn fucking park range. Yeah. Your job is knowing how to get around when you're in the fucking woods. You don't. Yeah. Is ranging in a park. That's a very good point. Yeah. Ranging in a park. Yes. Yeah. It includes a park ranging, figuring out how far away things are. That is very what ranging is how far my foot should I come. What is the range that I have traveled in this box? But of course, this is so we can get back right to the beginning. So as he's walking around lost in the woods, he falls down, slides down a, an embankment and lands in a puddle of mud, and then decides that he's just going to sleep there so that we can get him into that covered in mud Bit from the opening

Right, which means that the opening of this movie where he was like you're probably wondering how I ended up here The answer to that is I fell into mud Was it the low point of the movie not really was it a turning point for the film not at all It really is. Was it the low point of the movie? Not really. Was it a turning point for the film? Not at all. No, I just, this was the scene that we felt was the biggest change between my states physically.

So this is what we're going to call back to. Yeah, because I've been followed by he's not very muddy, but after that he's muddy for a short time. He's very, he's very muddy, very mo muddy for a short time. So this is a real change for him. So yeah. So we catch back up with the mud scene. He gets to the road and he's trying to hitch a ride because he's still even in the daylight, doesn't know where the fuck he is. Yeah. But he's still covered in mud. Now we should point out he woke up next to a river. Right. So he's covered in mud like that by choice.

This was a choice that he made to remain this money. It was. And he's trying to hit your eye, but he is struggling to hit your left and he's probably because he looks brown. You know, this is truly a woman country. Yeah, they really missed the beat on this. Well, so yeah, exactly because my, my first thought was like, dude, I wouldn't let like marshal into my car if he was that fucking muddy.

What do you think? He's so strange. Just going to let you in. But then the cops pull up lights, fucking blaze into sirens, where jump out of their car guns drawn. And then it's like, oh, they think he's black. Yeah. So race.

And also for the record, I let Martian to my car when he has severely contagious childhood diseases. So just like if you're ever tracking who is the better friend to Martian, I was not disease. My wife, who I will remind you is a couple of years older me, particularly to me through that point. She was disease. That's right.

Martian hasn't. Still riddled with a child's disease. It felt that she still had a child's disease for the record. Yeah, that you're immune to, but she was not a child while it's having that disease. It's important. We clarify. No, that's fair. That's fair.

I don't know. I'm checking to see if Marsha's married to a child.com is available. We'll find out Mars. So do you really want to incur the wrath of Nithala? No, you can play with my wrath all you like, but that will give you Nicholas. No, I'm going to stick with a you. You're shunnagging out Walker. That's for yeah, no, that will give you Nicolas Rass. No, I'm gonna stick with a you. You're shunna gonna out walk her. That's for, yeah, no, shoo chase you into the woods.

She'll walk across the ocean like Christ. Right. Yes, exactly. It follows, yeah. So, okay. So, but ultimately the cops fall over. There's this long moment where like, the movie seems to think that human being covered in mud

could easily been mistaken for space alien or robot come to just like I don't even know what they think he would look like other than a guy covered in mud, right? Correct. Or a brown guy. Because they, and they keep saying it, and it's really uncomfortable, like they're saying, until I realized that they didn't think he was human. But then I remember that moment for a long time, didn't think other people were human as well. So, yeah, no, that's, yeah, wow. Yeah, how like, and that's just the thing is that the movie is not trying to say, oh, well, this town is very racist. And so a dark skinned person would be treated like this. But the, the, the movie is trying to say, well, they

can't even tell is a human because he's got so much money. How fucking tone depth do you have to be as a Mormon to not realize that this would be taken as a racist statement, Jesus. So anyway, but ultimately Bob gives me a ride over, he's like, I need to go see charity. And we're all like in the audience going, like you don't need a fucking shower.

You maybe good would take a shower at this point. Would be a good idea. But they show up at charity's place and he comes up to her, he's like, I miss you so much. And we're like, you saw her like last night. Yeah, it's been eight hours, something like that. Yeah. And she says, what happened? He says, it's a long story. It isn't a long story. No, I ran through the wood for 30 seconds, got lost, tripped, landed in some mud and decided to just go with it for no reason at all. That's the entire story. That is a story. I mean, it's a long story if you think about the fact that it's been an hour since you

said, I bet you wondering how I got here and then showed us how you got there, but she didn't see that hour. She's in the film as well. Right. She's not watching the movie with us, exactly. But yeah, but they go to kiss and then the aunt leans in just then and says, oh, I need you in the kitchen or whatever, which is good because like this, he's still covered in fucking mud. She would be sucking mud if she kissed him. I did write in my notes of all the fucking lean ins they make this poor actress do. Please don't make him kiss him when he's covered in the fucking mud. Right. They didn't. That was nice. No. So, but we also learn here that the evil librarian lady has decided that she might not be a Mormon anymore.

And if she goes to team Baptist, it's like flipping the Senate or whatever right now, the Baptist can set the fucking schedule or whatever the hell it is, set the rules or whatever. So she's gone out into the mountains to meditate on this fact, although they don't use the term meditate because that would make it sinful, I guess. Yeah. Immortamentate. Yeah, it might. Yeah, she's more meditated. they don't use the term meditate because that would make it sinful, I guess. Yeah. Amormentate. Yeah. Yeah. She's more meditative. So and now she's done.

So the whole town gathers to just to find out what she decided in terms of her religion. And this is where Marsha's best worst is introduced. She says, I was asking God, should I forgive the Baptist and the mountains hummed to me. Yes. I heard a great hum coming from the mountains and that's, I took that to mean that God was pleased. And if you come to the mountains with me, you too will hear the holy hum. Yeah, it's the argument from mountains talking.

Well, mountains humming. Right. But she says, to hear the hum, she said she'd be on her knees for two hours, 12 minutes. So she's very specific. And the whole crowd go, oh, and it's like, I think it's because it was a book running on how long she'd been kneeling and then most of it just lost it. Yeah. Yeah. That was fine. Come on. Oh, way longer than I thought she'd go. I put good money on that. Yeah. So now everyone does the like, sorry wait, is this what the movie is about now? Yeah, no, we made the movie that had the plot Baptist's at our barbecue.

14 seconds long. So this is what the movie is about now for the next couple of seconds. Will it be the rest of the movie now? No, no, no, it's just pretty much going around. And as we still have a love interest thing to resolve. We're gonna resolve it at the end of this scene. And so everybody, yeah, everybody goes out to the mountains

because nobody in this town has a fucking job apparently. And they're all listening for the hum. And let me say, as a neopagin, I've been in this position so many fucking times, right? Where some people started going like, I can hear it, can you? But it's in that obvious, I'm lying way of observing things because like if you actually hear something,

you don't declare I hear it. You just assume everyone else around you also has the same auditory stimulus as you do, right? Yeah. I think one of the exchange you one point goes, can you hear the humming? And so I said, I think I can hear it. Does it sound like humming? Yes.

Because it's real. It's humming. That's what that's what that's what that is what humming sounds like. But I did think this is classic moments because they're saying can I just Um peer pressure you into disbelieving your own senses? Can I do that for a moment? Is that gonna that's great. Thank you. Thank you. I'll do that. And again, I just want to point out This is a Christian movie. You made the movie. You can have everyone all at once go my goodness. There it is Yeah, but this movie in a fucking loyalty

to every other scene of itself decided to go with, eh, this is fucking, eh, the movie. It's 70 minutes long, it felt like 900 hours because there's no sticks at any given moment, including during the Christian miracle. Yes. Absolutely. I'd go on further.

Like, yeah, you can have all the people say, I can definitely hear the humming. You could go on further and actually play some fucking humming. So that's easy. You're the only one who's good here that I was to do that. You could just do that. They can't stop you. I love to because there's a point where charity is like turning a tartan and going,

like, do you really want to go all the way up to the fucking mountains to hear imaginary humming? That's dumb. And he's like, no, of course I do. That sounds awesome. Are you talking about it? No, no, he definitely, he's just hoping that he gets up the mountain, she'll also be on her knees for two hours.

I'm just saying he's not so much looking for a home as a home. That's what I'm saying. Where where there's a hum, you know, but then some people hear the hum, some of them don't tartan as the narrator cuts in and he's like, you know, I don't think it really matters if there was a hum as long as everybody's getting along. And I'm like, well, there's the entire problem

with religion in America, right? The fuck there is. Yeah, they're doing jingly keys, but they're not even doing the jingly keys. They're just telling you that there are some keys jingling. So I don't hear that jingle. I believe that. I hear a jingle. Do you guys hear a jingle? So yeah, and then the librarian comes up and she apologizes for hitting tartan with her purse. I'm sorry, I went full terminator 2 on you, I think you were going for a comedy beat, but everything in this movie is like pressing your face against a beige wall for your whole life.

So I don't know. That's on me. All right. So now, all right, the whole town's getting along and they decide to have themselves, the Baptist take down their anti-mormon wall and everything and they decide to have an interfaith picnic. Yes, in the movie about an interfaith barbecue, we're going to end on an interfaith picnic as well. So, so we get tartan. He finds this and I don't know what's supposed to be in this envelope. Did you guys catch that? It was a letter from Rich. Oh, was it? I really hoped it would be the other half

of chapel. I thought, okay, we need to be. So Rich is like, okay, yeah, I stole it and I'm returning the half of it. He was just unfolds it and unfolds it and unfolds it. Yeah. Okay. All right. So, yeah, and then he hears a weird humming out in the mountains. And he goes out to check it out, which is his fucking job. It's nice to finally see him do his goddamn fucking job. But it turns out that it's not a humming. It's very clearly a man moaning in pain. Or in pain. Or in pleasure.

Yeah, exactly. Like a noisy climax. He's like, is that a guy coming for like a really long time? Yeah. Right, yeah. That's some hotel sex that's happening right there. Right, right. Yeah.

So I checked on this because this doesn't make any sense. So the listener who recommended this most recently, I was like, Hey, have you read this book? And he was like, it was the only book I was allowed as a kid. So in the book, Rich throws himself into this cabin to kill himself because he didn't burn bathroom guys. Yes. the book rich throws himself into this cabin to kill himself because he didn't burn bathroom guys. Yes, but this movie was like, we're not going to say the K word. So he's just in a chasm. And it seems as though maybe he fell and then this letter he found spontaneously

generated itself into his fucking mailbox. Right. Right, yeah, right. What's supposed to be happening in this story is that he got a letter saying, I'm so sorry for burning your house and killing your friend who is in the bathroom at that time. I've gone to kill myself in such and such a chasm or whatever.

And Tartan is going to check on that. But because this movie doesn't have the guts to make the character suicidal, he just left a letter saying, I'm going to go wander around the chasm. I hope I'm okay in the end. Again, this is only making sense to me now. I've done the envelope for the best that I had was that the envelope had the location of the chapel in it.

And it was a long time until we found out that that was not the case. So yeah, thank you for tying this not for me. All right. So yeah, so, so but Rich rescues him. He tells him that that shitter guy didn't die. He's like, no, you didn't kill that guy. He actually made it out. The window and he's like, wow, so this movie has no stakes at all. And he's like, no stakes at all. Really, honestly, I mean, the Howard thing, but we really kind of resolved that off camera. I just realized in my notes, I as a joke joke written, I guess Rich must have written help. I'm about to fall into a big hole

in an envelope in the closet to him. I've forgotten that I've written that. There you go, that was actually it. That's the take this movie must have. Me. But this is also, yeah, but Rich admits at this point that it's him that stole the other half of their church. We find out that he doesn't remember where he put it though because during the fall he

lost that part of his memory. Fuck you, movie. Fuck you. Don't have him say it then. Don't have him say. He sold it to someone and then we never recovered it. How lazy is the writing in this movie? He might as well go, yeah, it turns out Rich stole the other half of the church, but move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move,

move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move,

move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move So saying, okay, so like, Rich, I think he said, I might have been here as long as last night. And I thought, oh my God, was he the humming? Him morning in agony. I assume that is what they were going. Oh, is that it? Yes, that is absolutely. Oh my God, but it's genuinely because they don't say that. No, they don't. They're, yeah, no, they want to leave that sort of, but or or maybe God was speaking through

a mountain hum. They want to leave that hanging. I wrote in my notes in block capitals. If it is that I swear to fucking God, I'm going to throw myself into a fucking rock. But it was that Jesus Christ. So, so we go to the picnic now and Tartan's mom is here because it's the end of the movie, right? He's like, what are you doing here? She's like, it's the end of the movie. This is my last chance, what are you doing here? She's like, it's the end of the movie. This is my last chance to be in it again. This is where mom meets charity. He's like, mom, I think I've met the woman I'm gonna marry.

And she's like, great. And she introduces it and mom's like, I hear you're getting married. And he's like, I haven't told her that. Yeah. I haven't told her she's marrying me yet. Yeah. He's saying it to his mom in a subtle way. Like, yeah, you know, that, just that time seeing Rich Half Half Dad and Decade it really made me feel like I needed to get to second with charity.

So that's what's happening. But so I thought the movie was wrapping up here. There's 14 seconds left in the film. Right. So I was like, oh, God, I hated watching this movie. It was so not funny. I have no jokes. What a hellscape. Finally, it's over.

And then Howard shows up as if you get my note. I scream. I'm not kidding. I screamed. No. I was a worry. I thought I woke my baby because I was just like, no, I can't watch anymore beats. And I honestly almost just like put my notes into cursive being like, dearest gentleman, please inform me what happens in the rest of the film. I cannot participate. Elizabeth Bosnick. Yeah, like the rest of your notes just became your Will and Testament. Yeah, right. This got too far.

Yeah. There are four minutes left in this movie and she leaves him. She does. Right. Howard pulls up and he's like, Hey, didn't you get the handwritten note that I gave to the first slushy sidewalk salesman? I thought, how could you have not gotten that? And he's like, tartan was right there.

That guy was there when I gave it to him. She's like, you didn't tell me. And he's like, why try to? But you interrupted me. She says, I'm leaving and marrying Howard now. And he's like, wow, that was quick. We only have four minutes left of the movie or what? And we find out that the reason she interrupted when she said,

oh, yeah, I already know is because what she already knew was that he was only putting the barbecue on for her. That is a psychotic conclusion. Look, I know you want to feel comfortable in this town. So I'm going to put on a talent show invite the warring religious factions to compete with one another for you to make you feel comfortable and that's what you thought was happening here charity. Yes, but she is furious at him for not finishing the sentence she interrupted, I guess. So she leaves. In fairness, Nicola gets that way with me all the time. So I get it. That's what you get. Fair. Okay. So she leaves and he's like, he turns to Bob the cop and he's like, hey, man, um, we've

got three goddamn minutes to resolve this. Can I borrow your car? Because I don't think I can do this without lights and sirens. And Bob says no. He does. He was, he's just, well, you, I can only, only if I deputize you and I'm, and we're like, oh, wow, is he going to deputize him? Spoiler alert. No, he's not. No, he's only if I deputize you and I'm and we're like, oh, wow, is he gonna deputize him? Spoiler alert. No, he's not. No, he's not gonna deputize. He says that and then doesn't do it. The mom fucking

Tartan's mom comes and she goes, oh, Bob, can you deputize me? I'm like, wow is his mom gonna fuck Bob spoiler? Mom's gonna fuck Bob. Mom's fucking Bob. Why not? We're just randomly connecting characters via crayon at this point. Yes. Right. No, I mean, I'd be honest with you after watching his magic show, I want to watch Bob fuck somebody. I mean, I would be out for that. So we know he's got magic fingers.

I don't play. I don't blame him. We've established that. Exactly. So, okay. So, but, but Bob's like, no, you can't drive my car, but I'll drive you to go chase the girl that just voluntarily left you So the three of them Bob mom and Tarton all drive off looking for and I have it in all caps in italics and bolded in my fucking Why did nobody clean the smear of bird shit off the passengers window before they shot this fucking scene?

I was ripping my eyes out by the end. It's a metaphor for the writing in this thing. You know, I saw it and I was so bemused by it that I convinced myself that had been a previous scene with the cop car being like attacked in some way and that it was a crack on the window. I've written that in canonically in my head just trying to explain why the window was so fucked up. So yeah, so they're driving around tartness flashing back to earlier in the movie, which is the fat lady singing of Christian movies, right?

Including it's all the times he's seen her, including the time he drew her as a stick person. Yes. You're talking the fuck would it be reminiscing about the time he drew her as a stick person. Yes. You're not gonna fuck would he be reminiscing about the time he drew her as a stick person. It is litter. Again, I'm not gonna put you through it, podcast listener, but I want to be clear, it is every single shot of her in the movie. Yep. Every single time she is on camera in the movie, we now see in montage.

Yep. Including a montage. We see montages within the montage. We shot from the montage. Yes. So, okay, so then we cut to Howard and charity. They pulled over the car. She wants to talk to him about something very important. She's realized that they don't have time to resolve a whole nother fucking conflict. There's only like two minutes left in the movie.

So she wants to tell him that it's over between the two of them. She just needed to drive off dramatically for act three purposes, but she's not really actually interested in being with him anymore. And he's like, well, that's a very weird turn of events, isn't it? Yeah, he literally says he goes, I'm already all the way out here. And she's like, yeah, no, it's because there was 14 seconds left in the movie and we had squeezed every bit of juice out of every character except this one plot point that we had kind of closed the door on, but we just hit 70 minutes. Thank you Amazon money.

Yeah, right. Yeah. How it I'm leaving you, but I really need to really need to leave you like 15 to 20 miles out of town. So it's really inconvenient for me to get back. So that's why we're having this conversation here. Right. So and then fucking Bob gets a call on his co-operator that they found charity. The goddamn call. I shit you not is the virtue is intact. Hmm. It is. Yes. Hey, yeah, Bob, just to confirm, she is back

and she does not appear to have been penetrated. So we're all good to go. We're all good to go. She's in scratch, but she's back at the picnic so they literally could have just stayed there. This sort of no purpose whatsoever. And then he asked her, a Mariam in front of the whole town,

because he's a dick, that's a dick move at this point. You don't even know what she's gonna say. Don't be an asshole. Don't put her on the spot like that. And then all the baptism hormones get to get along. We cut to fucking four months later so that we can see them all singing Christmas carols together. Oh my God. I hated the fact that it was Christmas. This movie is throwing away breakfast club clothes is for its characters. Like he has to take a diuretic shit and is trying to get off

the record. Rich is doing some other thing who cares? They're singing carols to someone. I don't know. And then we always blah blah blah blah blah blah. Bye. Well, and then and and Mars fuck you for pointing this out before I wrote my notes. And so I had to like actually watch it. There's a post credit see the rest is a fucking post credit scene Oh God and it's useless by the standard That this movie has achieved to this point right it's mom and Bob there on a beach together He picks up a shell and he goes huh, and then they wander off I mean as they back away, there's like a shot,

you could like in the beach sand, you can see what looks like. I don't know, maybe the corner of a tractor trailer and the sand and a chair. So maybe they were going for like a planet of the apes thing that I didn't get or something. Like the other half of the chapel was there. Like, Rich took it away and buried it. It's okay. Oh, okay. All right. Maybe I think that might actually have been what they were going for.

Jesus Christ, that just occurred to me. All right. Oh, God. All right. Well, you know what, Mars, now we made sense of so much shit for you. You made sense of something for me at the end and now I get it.

All right. That makes me happy. Well, Mars, I am happy that we could make America even weirder in your estimation. Thank you so much for hanging out with us. Oh, no, you are true. The pretzel, casserole of country. I'm glad to find that out. Wow.

New war. We're doing a new war. All right. And by the way, if our listeners wanted to, let's say come see you in Manchester on September 23rd and 24th for the single best conference in all of skepticism. Where should they go for their tickets? Oh, they should head over right now to qdcom.org slash tickets. Prices are absurdly reasonable at £140.00.

You've got so many great speakers lined up. We've just announced our evening entertainment, which is fantastic. The lineup is great. It's just, it's going to be an amazing weekend and everybody should come. Absolutely. We will be there. You'll be there. So some of us will be there. Yes, because we might not be booked, but we're also not banned. So we will be there somewhere in between. And well, that's going to do it for our review of Baptist and our barbecue. That's not going to do it for the episode just yet, because we still need to step into the same panel next

week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. We'll be watching the spectacularly sexist nightmare that is 2002's Charlie. Oh awesome, IMDB thought I might like that one if I liked this one. So okay, with that to look forward to, I guess we're gonna bring episode 412 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to Martian of Perhaps, even a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors

to help make the show go. If you'd like to catch something among their race, you can make a prep episode donation to patreon.com slash god offland, thereby you're normally access to an average version of a re-episode. You know it'd like to catch something among their ranks. You can make a prepsote donation to patreon.com slash god offline thereby you're not only access to an average version of our episode. You know it's a help of time by leaving a fast start review and by showing the show on our various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show be sure to check out our sibling shows.

This is getting the excited to you to D&D minus in the sky for credit available wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or send them out a suggestion to get email godoff from www.mvcgmail.com. Tim Robbins takes care of our social media, our theme song is written in performed by Rites like the suggestion on Mars. All the other music was written in performed by our audio engineer Morgan Kirkman was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check in your life this week for Heathen right now by saying I'm an illusionist promised to work harder and earn another check next week until

then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. A week later, the librarian convinced his help you could hear the river whispering and now the whole time's Muslim. Bob would go on to fuck the Mormonism right out of Tartan's mind. One time my brother broke his leg on the sea soft. That's what it was like watching this movie. I just wanted you to have one last experience. What I went through. I hate it. We went. I hate it. We went.

I hate it. We went. I hate it. I hate it. We went. I hate it. We went. I hate it.

We went. I hate did. Yeah, it was actually eugenics program, just disqualified. It's rebellion. I mean, you're not wrong. Whether it was an intentional one, or not, it can be debated. But yeah, the proceeding podcast was a production of Puzzle and podcast was a production of Puzzle and a ThetaStrum LLC Copyright 2023. All rights reserved.