God Awful Movies - 414: Battlefield Earth

Episode Date: July 25, 2023

We review Battlefield Earth - LIVE FROM DETROIT, MICHIGAN. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

So they're breath gasoid. If it comes into contact with uranium... Anything radioactive? Anything radioactive? Yeah. It'll explode. Okay, but like... So much stuff is radioactive. All over the world we're looking at.

Yes, fine. I really wanted bananas to be a secret weapon. Thank you. It throws it like a boomerang. We just watch... BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be Thank you. Thank you so much for coming out to my hometown. This is the podcast. Of course, we're each week. We sample another selection from Christian cinema. Even when that means watching a Scientology movie directed by a dude named Christian.

I'm your host, Noah Luzonz. And joining me, of course, from Stage Right, please welcome my good friend, Heath and rights. Oh my goodness, is that a little sparkled honky? That is parkled honky. The tequila for fucking your dad. Yes. They actually, they want us to toy with that, I think, over the course of the show. We're going to get some better slogans. Yep. They actually, they want us to toy with that, I think, over the course of the show, we're

gonna get some better slogans. Yeah. If you look, we're fucking your stepdad, maybe? Oh, there he is. Is that better? No, that's topical. Yeah, that's better. These days.

And of course, also joining us tonight, please put your hands together for my bad friend, Eli Bosnick. I'm not even looking. It's a car. Cuzz Detroit. And who's driving the car? Yeah, it's Carl, Carl the Bug Banker. Because Detroit. And who's driving the car? Yeah, it's Carl, Carl the Bug-Begger. Can I pull back the curtain for you all slightly?

So this place... No, no, that's not what he means. Here's why I can't pull the curtain back slightly. So this place serves liquor. And if you don't think there was a Donner party-esque drawing of straws to be the member of staff who had to come and be like, hey man you have to wear underwear, under your, because I was not wearing underwear and that poor man had to be like, so I went to theater school and got a degree in technical theater and now I'm telling the fat rabbi to hide his penis.

So if you see someone just come over the railing suspended by a rope. OK. Sparkle donkey tequila. Suicide is painless. Suicide is painless. Oh, I think he's, yeah, he's got clothes back there somewhere. While we're waiting for Eli to get dressed, I have a Detroit fun fact. Oh, you have fun facts about Detroit? I have a fun fact.

Did you know that Detroit has the highest average household income of any city in the United States of America? Does that true? In 1949? Okay. Okay. Back when 33% of private sector employees were unionized. Oh.

Remember unionized? Yes. Man. Remember living wages? I don't. I? Yes. Man. Remember living wages? I don't. I don't. Nope. Too young for that.

Worn during a rainy day. There he is. Oh, in my scathing aviast, t-shirts. It's tri-blend. Tri-blend, so soft. A blend so smooth, he will forget five boxes of women or his house in Ann Arbor. I don't think that's what happened. Hope you guys like extra large. I just think that the fact that the ones that you forgot were all your size tells us something. That's all I'm saying.

This is why we can't see his apartment. All the furniture is made out of tribal and he's banded together. So, I like to feel in my face. Yeah, no, I get it. I get it. So, I guess we should start the actual show proper, and we should start that by with me asking you Heath to tell us, what will he be breaking down today? We watched Battlefield Earth Finally, okay hands up who's seen this oh

Shit love nice nice listeners at home I should point out that all but seven people just raised their hands I should also point out that I think the manager of the theater walk down earlier and was like I Love this movie. I hope you aren't gonna make walked down earlier and was like, I love this movie. I hope you aren't gonna make fun of it. And we were like, cool. If the lights should suddenly go out and we're just shouting into the void, you know why. Okay, well, it's the story that

star, John Travolta, proudly called the Schindler's List of Sci-Fi. That's real! Real quote. What does that even mean? What does he think he meant when he said that? I think when we think of terrible things that have happened throughout history, we think of Schindler's List first, the Holocaust, right? Well, let's make the Holocaust higher.

No, the Holocaust is here, and then... And then... The Schumlesquist was here, though. Battlefield Earth is here. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. That's where I am. Well, so you're getting ahead of us, Abedie, right? So tell us officially, then, how bad was this movie?

And keep in mind that the listeners at home can't see where your hand is, so you can't use the Holocaust scale again. That's very good. Spin the Wheel of Holocaust. scale again. That's very easy. You can't use the Holocaust scale again. Spin the wheel of Holocaust. Guess what I'm doing with my hands, Lister? Is there a home? Should've come to the live show. Alright.

Well, if you love the crazy of Scientology, but the subtlety of alien volcanoes and bad emotion alien ghosts is too much work for you. You will love this movie. And I do. Yeah, now I'm sure most of you know what we should say up front that this was a passion project for John Dervolte. He really wanted this to get made.

This was of all Elrond Hubbard's books. This is the one he most wanted to see made into a movie. Yeah, right. Everything else was even worse than this. This one had the most pictures. Eee. So, this movie got kicked by two different studios. It was eventually picked up by an investment firm

that then tricked a European distribution company into actually paying for the funding the movie. They got sued over that and went out of fucking business. It's like the history of Tesla. Yes, sir. So weird. Yeah, at big level disaster here. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst

at? I'm going to go with best worst source material. We already started talking about it. It's based on the book by Elrond Hubbard. To get that book onto the New York Times best-seller list, that whole cult of Scientology would go around buying up all the books and the church would collect them back. And then send those already purchased copies

back to retail stores again in a recycling scam. We know this, yeah, we know this because they're fucking idiots and people at Barnes and Noble were like, how come the books already have our price? That's awesome. Yes. When they come in the mail from the Scientology people. That's so horrible.

And I hear the book is way better than the movies, so. Oh, well, there you go. There's that. So, I was going to go with, and this is the most common criticism I think that you hear about the Southern and the Scientology angle. I was going to go with best-worst relative viewing angle. Yeah, right, the whole fucking movie.

Just like that. She said to what, yeah, I watched it on my computer. I'm doing this. Stupid fucking movie. And for those who haven't seen it, I should say that this movie used what's called a Dutch angle, which'm doing this. Stupid fucking movie. And for those who haven't seen it, I should say that this movie used what's called a Dutch Angle, which is like a 30-degree angle. It's meant it's this really nauseous angle. It's just like the last fucking thing you'd want to spend an entire movie looking at.

Yeah, that's a vania Dutch angle. Dutch Angle, like the Mars rule, if you say Dutch anything anything that sounds like a sex thing right Dutch angle I offered you a Dutch angle you'd be like fuck yeah Sounds like I can't afford it, but I want it In Detroit you can afford it Poverty am I right? You should leave here Tonight You should leave here tonight from this place.

Eli, we'll take you. You can go with us. Yeah, this is a legit refugee situation. Everybody's blinking at us. Please do the thing you're talking. We are refugees. You know that thing, like bad people do, where they'll be like, we need to help America rather than, I never believed in that until I came to Detroit.

And now I'm like, no, those guys make some solid points. Oh, yes. Did you have a best worst city? Best worst city. So here's the thing about your fucking life. Oh, right your fucking right. Alright. I'm gonna go with best worst.

Not. So here's the thing. This movie is based on Elrond Hubbard's writing. And Elrond Hubbard writes like that cousin who just quoted Borat from age 13 to 34. So all he has his villains do throughout the entire film is be like, like that cousin who just quoted Borat from age 13 to 34. So all he has his villains do throughout the entire film is be like, I have not done an evil thing. But yes I have. It's the whole film.

Over. And over again. All right, well, we've been waiting a better part of a decade to do this once. We're going to keep the break brief. When we come back, we'll dive into all the underwritten overacting that is Battlefield Earth. Alright everyone thanks for coming to this the third iteration of Battlefield Earth's screenwriting team A. As you know our first two screenwriters refused to respect Elrond Hubbard's vision, then

the third, requested his name to be taken off the project, but he couldn't because he got paid too much, so here we are. Ready to pitch our movie, which will eventually be rejected by seven studios in a row, and then illegally represented to a venture capital firm. Any questions? Um, is it too late to quit? Sure is. A.

Right? Is it too late to quit? Sure is! A! Right? This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hi podcast listener, I'm Eli Bosnick. And I'm Heathen Wright. You know, we spent quite a bit of time talking about the positive elements of this week's sponsor, BetterHelp. Like how it's entirely online, how you can use their messaging interface to speak with your therapist even when you don't have an appointment, and you can switch therapists on better help at any time for free. No awkward therapist breakups. No awkward therapist breakups indeed, but this week we'd like to remind you that the alternative to therapy is this movie. That's right. Famed anti-psychiatry loon, Elron Hubbard,

didn't want you to try BetterHelp. Because he wanted you to join him on this journey of space bureaucracy, thousand-year-old jet fuel, and leverage. So maybe note the company you're keeping by not doing BetterHelp. Let therapy beer map with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash awful today

to get 10% off your first month. That's better help H-E-L-P dot com slash awful And we're back And we're we're gonna open up with the words on the screen it comes up and it says man Is an endangered species and I'm like all right calm down Tucker I wrote in my notes. I wish am I right lady? says, man, is an endangered species, and I'm like, all right, calm down, Tucker. Yeah. Great.

I wrote in my notes, I wish, am I right, ladies? Yeah, right. Nature's healing, it's good, it's good. It's good though. We're getting rid of the white men with dreadlocks. Yeah, right. Speaking of which. Which are most of this movie?

Yeah, we start off with our hero coming down from the mountains on horseback. They're like, he's like, I've got the medicine and they're like, your dad passed away in the night, it's too late. And he's like, is this ever going to come up in any fucking way again in the movie? And they're like, nope. Never, never again. How else would we introduce my character except by his tardiness? I wanted that to be a theme for the rest of the film.

Like, he just shows up and he's like, oh, what the fuck? Just, just missed it. So yeah, but we learn here that the humans are now like refugees that are either enslaved by the aliens that have taken over the earth, or they're living out in the scrub lands and they're barely able to survive, although they look particularly well fed. Yeah, there will never be an apocalypse so bad in any Hollywood movie that all the women aren't shaved bare. Yeah, right.

When the nukes go off, apparently you're all just going to grab the razors and head for the mountain. So, and we need to point this out early and often, this movie is supposed to take place a thousand years hence. All right, so it's supposed to take place a thousand years hence. All right, so I supposed to take place a thousand years from now, just keep that in mind as we go. And we say, I wonder where all of those safety razors are coming from, right?

So we get a scene where all of the refugee barbarian humans that have fallen back into the primitive state. Don't worry, I'm glad to say that they're white. Everybody are. Everybody's like, yeah, white and forest witterkrieg. into the primitive state. Don't remember how to say that they're white. Everybody are as white as they say, yes. Yeah, white and forest wicker, yeah. And he's so mad. He's so mad.

Then he got tricked into this movie because he's fucking friends with Travolta or something. Let's talk about it. Did he lose an escape room? And that's why he's in this? So he was a Scientologist at the time. After this movie, he's like, nah, fuck that, obviously. Obviously they're lying or that movie

would have been better. Well, we see the old guy, the old barbarian humans, they're in their cave and Johnny, our main character. Sure, sorry. Yes, please, please. Sorry. The full name. Yes, Johnny, but Johnny, good boy, Tyler.

Johnny, good boy, is the title of the character. Wow. You can smell the moment. John Travolta said that out loud. Like you was making up an excuse to the cops while covered in blood. Yeah. Okay, Johnny, what do you want to call the mechanic? Johnny, oh, you, your name?

Same. Good boy. Stop, character, Johnny. Oh, you, your name? Same. Good boy. Stop, stop, stop. You're looking to your dog. Don't save any Barbarino. Tyler Barbarino. OK.

So, A. Well, and that, honestly, one of the main themes of this movie is being way too in love with Elron Hubbard's stupid fucking writing. I'm just gonna power through, see, because the audience at home, they don't know you're doing shenanigans. If I just keep talking, they're just gonna assume every is laughing at that my delivery. So, but the key here, Morgan, all of this, all of this.

The key here though is that Johnny believes it's time for them to go to the better hunting grounds, even if that means upsetting the demon aliens that everybody's hiding from. At his or inciting incident, he sets off the love interest, tries to stop him and he says, no, this is act one, you are not part of the movie yet. Yeah. She gives him a necklace from the Jimmy Buffett Margarita film gift shop.

Yes. So, but he leaves. He leaves her behind. She's Chrissy. We'll see her again later when we need someone to be in distress. I'm impressed she got a name already. Yeah, right? Right? It's good.

Yeah. That's about all she's getting. Mm-hmm. Well, she'll be in distress. So anyway, so he gets on his horse, he's heading through and there's suddenly there's a sky explosion, he gets freaked out. And there's this moment where like, he sees a dragon and he jumps off of his horse, but then it turns out it's just like a ceramic dinosaur from a mini golf course, a thousand years hence. Fucking mini golf stegosaurus is in the parthenon,

I guess, just equally well-constructed. Twinkies, also Twinkies. Yeah. Yeah. Just. Why would those survive a nuclear? It's fine. Yeah. No.

But a couple of guys get the drop on him here. Well, he's looking at the stagosaurus. And we can tell that these guys have been, you know, like reverted to their barbarian primitive ways because they're making fucking monkey noises. Yep. Yep. I was excited to see that the Jersey accent will

survive the end of the world. Yeah, for a thousand years Right, but they're like they're gonna attack him and take all of his stuff, but then they get into an argument about whether there's a god Like they're auditioning for this fucking show Like spears at the same time as one guy being like, hold on, but epistemologically speaking. Yes, right. The column cosmological argument does. No, God is an object outside of category. Well, that's bullshit, man.

Listen to yourself, Craig. Sorry. He's not like an idiot. Sorry. Now, spears that guy through the room. I murdered him. Yeah. But ultimately, this robbery goes so wrong.

This is just like every interaction I ever have online, right? It starts off as a robbery, but it ends up like, I'll give you some food if you can prove to me that God exists, right? Yeah. So he follows, and they're like, no, we'll show you a God. There's one over, just over here. So we follow him into this, like, it's supposed to be this ruined city. And back when they thought they were going to have a hundred million dollar budget, I'm sure, no, we'll show you a God. There's one over just over here. So we follow him into this like, it's supposed to be this ruined city.

And back when they thought they were gonna have a hundred million dollar budget, I'm sure it was going to be. Instead, it's a painting, right? So he balls him to this fucking painting. The fucking super friends are like enough with a fucking wipe face to what the hell with these transitions.

Meanwhile, it's like slightly better budgeted movie. But apparently the guys that just jumped in, they think that all the mannequins and statues from in this ruined city used to be people that angered the gods and were turned into mannequins. And I want to say it's silly that people would think mannequins were people punished by gods, but religion is so much dumber than that.

Yeah, that's true. Manicans are realumber than that. Yeah, that's true. Manicans are real, for instance. Yeah, that's it. You can touch them. Right. So you guys filled in, you can fuck a mannequin. That, I felt you all collectively be like, and you can fuck them.

You okay to try? And they're not just okay. they're a mannequin fucking okay, yeah. Oh yeah. Sparkle doggy. It's a killer for a fucking near mannequin. I think that's better. We're getting better. Dad, I can. Dad, I can.

Dad, I can. A mannequin of your dad. So. Shall we keep the waters? Dad, stepdad again. A mannequin of your dad. So they can't go waters. No, it makes sense. So they camp out at a mall at a Dutch angle. Nice. They eat some chicken at a Dutch angle. So he walked around with a pack of raw chicken to be clear?

Yes, you're right. Yes, he must have had raw chicken on him then. Okay. Where they hunted a chicken at that moment, I don't know, it's one of the other. So, and then, so we have Johnny and we have the two guys that have, he's joined up with one of them is named Carlo, the other one is overweight

and will therefore die in just a moment, right? I get it. We don't. So, they're arguing about, like, he's like, this is where Carlo gives him the Godstone, as though there's a minimum number of times they had to say the word God to be on our podcast. Right, he's like, here's a Godstone.

He's like, is it super sharp? He's like, yeah, he's like, well, nobody ever think to take it from me no matter how God damn imprisoned I get. He's like, yeah, surprisingly enough. Does this count yet for God awful movies? Yes, it does. Okay, already there. So, but just then, an alien comes through and starts shooting at him with a laser that

has an enormous amount of kinetic force for a laser. It does. Photons. Yes. Sightackle a person. Light pressure. Photons do that. Yeah.

One of my favorite things about this movie is that they were like, well, they're alien guns, so they can't be gun-shaped. And the prop master was like, okay, but you know guns are shaped like that because they fire things, and that's sort of the natural shape. And John Dervolta was like, stop talking. I want it to look like the Wu Tang symbol. And it fires from underneath your hand where you can't see it. Right, obviously.

It's so fucking stupid. I wrote my notes. I'm like, oh shit, dreadlocks. It must be the bad guy in any movie before 2010. So yeah, but they shoot carlo Johnny and the big guy run at various Dutch angles. I'm not gonna call them out every time like 80% of the movies at a Dutch angle I just I have to emphasize it at some point. I like the idea that they ran at a Dutch angle though right that they can So yes, so Johnny calls his horse the horse gets shot with a laser. Don't worry. He'll be fine He's fine. We'll find out later. I was worried too. So they like horses and they fuck mannequins. I'm trying to catch the vibe for real.

Exactly. Gotta read the room. But Johnny, he outruns the lasers for a while, which is tough, but he manages it, but not for long. Eventually, he does get shot by a laser. It is tough, but he manages it, but not for long. Eventually, he does get shot by a laser. It is set to stun. Which means he's been captured. Now, I didn't know that you could be imprisoned to silly. But the, the shot of him screaming as they're pulling him away, he's in the cage, and he's grabbing under the cage, and he's screaming, he's about the silliest fucking thing I've ever seen outside of a Donald James Parker show. Everyone in the cage was like doing the improv exercise.

Like I'm a squirrel, so they're doing like, yeah, they're even nuts off the side. And they're just doing it. He definitely thought he was gonna get a second tank and didn't. Yes, right? Like he was like, oh yeah. Let me do a silly one.

Woo! That's so close to exactly what he fucking did though. Sorry, did you want Duchess falling down a long elevator shaft? Oh no, we're resetting the shot for a new part of the movie. Oh shit. Oh no. Oh dear. Also, can we point out that the predator, the white guy with red locks who captures them here, they're called cyclos, we're gonna learn. Cyclos in the book, the leader, the leader people of the cyclos are called

Catrists. Cyclo-catrists, because Elrond Hubbard hates all of psychiatry. Yes. Cyclow, Cretrists, because Elrond Hubbard hates all of psychiatry. Yes, he called the bad guy's cyclocatrice. And the reason, by the way, that he didn't like psychologists, because he's like, hey, guys, psychology, I figured it out. Its angrives are like, do you are in the right place for the wrong reason, bro? Explain to Engrams are those fucking volcano demons? Show you who skids a frenigle kidnap my wife

That happened so But they take all the prisoners into this domed city. They stop to like, or gas them, but then give them the little nose things so they can breathe the alien air. Yep. Which is great. Because now like, through most of the rest of the movie, all of the human characters will have two little tubes going up their nose like this. It's so silly.

It's just like they're running. It's constantly doing the Baywatch boob thing. You can see it, like hitting the actors in the eyes and then being mad. Like you know when like your corded headphones get ripped out and you're fucking furious. Yes. And it's so viscerally, it's like an invasion of yourself,

but you did it. The actors are all mad throughout. Yeah, there's two hours in a movie. But it's their nostril. But it's your nose. And they filmed this movie for a year. Yeah. With the aliens giving their little breather tubes,

and then they get flown somewhere else. This is the first time we really get a good shot of the city. And we have to point out that at the top of several of the buildings to make it look less like a painting, they've CGI'd in these lava rivers that are falling from the, so they're making lava at the top of buildings. Just to dump it over, this looks like a really inefficient way of lighting the city. Like a cash crop of Macma. What do you do?

Oh, it's the volcano demons. Ooh. Oh my God, you're fucking right. That's the zen, that's the story in Scientology. You're fucking right. You're a zen with a god. 75 million years ago, everybody knows this, but I'm just gonna like enlighten the few people

listening who don't. That god strapped a bunch of people on earth to volcanoes and then blew it up with the hight should come. And now any psychological problem you have is because of the volcano demons being used. The ghost from those demons. Yeah, that's all real soul. Yes.

I just saved you a bunch of money. You can't even have $100,000 to buy that information. Yeah, right. And you have to fuck Tom Cruise. I mean, that's worth something. Yeah, no, that's. You're making it confusing. That's a minus.

So, but they're like the tea. What is your cell Scientology just now? You get to fuck Tom Cruise. It was getting killed. David Miscavig is why. Before his winner girl be in your movie. Yeah. So, but eventually they're taken

to the Human Processing Center in Denver, Colorado. Woo. Yeah. That's where I'm going after I leave. Denver. But eventually they're taken to the Human Processing Center in Denver, Colorado. Yeah. That's where I'm going after I leave. Denver. I really wanted them to like take them into the Human Processing Center and it's just like head shops and shitty vegan restaurants. Because it's Denver. Yeah, right.

These humans really like to mountain climbing and hack, e-saxx. Lauren Boberts there, somebody beats her. Oh, there you go. Most of them were polyamorous, it appears, in Denver. So they open up the cage. Johnny starts fighting back. He gets one of the guns and shoots one of the guards and he runs off. In just in case I may have sound awesome, I should point out again that he's got the

little tubes swinging back and forth sideways the whole fucking time. And the gun is a Wu Tang symbol, so you can't accidentally fire it, right? He just like holds it and then they're like, yeah man, do it. And he's like, I don't what do what? So yeah. They didn't have to do a nose cord, right? It feels like it's a sexual thing for somebody. Yeah, right.

So like, Elrond in the original source material or Travolta maybe are into like nose cord stuff? OK. All right. You didn't have to do this. There's so many ways to write. You can write whatever you want. But speaking of John Travolta, this is the moment

because he runs away from the bad guys. And he runs right into it. I have him as John Travolta, this is the moment because he runs away from the bad guys and he runs right into, I have him as John Travoltoid in my notes. So this is the first time we get a really good look at what they've done for the aliens here. Yes. White guy with dreadlocks. White guy with dreadlocks. Rabbi Conehead, oh, I'm going head on 9 feet tall. Yeah, stills. Thank you eyebrows for days lots of leather I'm done. Yeah, that's it Um, so yeah, right? No, he pulls it off. I'm not saying he doesn't pull it off So John Travoltaid grabs the Johnny and he he drags him back outside, and he's like, how did this man and a mole get away from you?

I don't call them fucking horse animals. What the hell is that? Horse horses. Ha ha ha ha. Horse mammal. They're like, sorry sir, he got the gun and he shot Dave. they're and they're and he's like, no humans can't shoot Wu Tang Because they don't even have fucking triggers. They didn't even make sense But no, they did they he demands a demonstration. He's like give him the gun see if he kills somebody else and he does and he's like

In retrospect, that was a shitty way to find out I guess terrible test. It also takes fucking forever in the scene, right? It's like the fucking Shane pick up the gun scene without the tension. I'll call Karen from HR to come over here and make you pick up the gun. Old sheep farmer.

Shane was a... It's fine. Yeah. So, Fred, will you just go around the aisles and explain to the young people, Fred's old, he's here, it's fine. Yeah, no, that's a case. So April, will you walk up and down the sheet also?

All right, all right. I'll let you talk shit about Fred. So that night, Travoltoid goes to the space bar where they're playing fucking space billiards. Stupid. And they're drinking bright green alcohol because they're aliens. Why do they want to change everything? So they changed the cup technology. Cup technology.

Apparently we settle on butt plug. There's like a plan. Right. You drink from like bongs in the future. I guess that makes sense. For safety or whatever. No, no. But why is like everything has a story in it?

And none of the actors figure it out the entire movie. They constantly make these actors drink from these bongs. And they'll always be like, that was my plan all up. Oh, God, got it. Listeners at home, Eli is doing physical shenanigans. Except for Forrest Whitaker, who demanded the biggest silliest oversize draw for spite, because because he hated the movie on day one. The drink is called Kürbango. So stupid.

I bet, I bet El Ronsa tough read. So, and then so, Travoltoid and Bartenderoid start halving this, they start discussing the premise, right? So, he's like, ah, you soon will be transferred away from this planet to a much cushier assignment. And John Travolto is like, yes, I will. And he's like, you soon will be transferred away from this planet to a much cushier assignment in john trouble does like yes I will and he's like it would be a terrible thing if that should not happen for some reason in the future yes and what that's the kind of conversation we're having the star where this is the point to where maybe time limit. But no, but this is the point to where Travolta like makes it clear that his plan is to double

cross the bartender guy because he's had some information on this whole time that he hasn't been but now he's gonna tell everybody and get him in trouble because fuck that guy, right? Would whatever the silly, maniacally evil thing to do in the moment would be is what he's gonna do at every moment. The guy the bartender goes, I had to write this line down verbatim. The bartender says, as a friend, couldn't you forget to file the report, the report being, you know, the thing that he did wrong? And John Travolta says, and I quote,

well, as a friend, I could forget, this is how he does the entire movie, by the way. Yeah. I could forget to file the report, but unfortunately, I'm not your friend. Followed by... Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Morgan, don't cut this. Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ha! Ha! So much! It's so much! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm getting it going. Always goes on. Ha! Ha! For so much, it's so much. The heckling always goes on for so long. It's per-demic-esque. It just goes on for so long. So the next day, we're outside in the prison when a fucking the big boss alien comes in for a dog and pony show.

This is where you learn that the higher you rank among the cyclos, the more you look like the cowardly lions. Is this skin mask neck? No, no, no, this is, I had him down his hoidi toy toy. He's the, he's John Travolta's manager. Okay. So, and we learn here that this guy's here to assess John Travoltoid's performance. We also learn that Forest Whiticoid is going to have, I'm sorry, I'm doing an Elrond Hubbard

Stylian, I'm not putting a lot of effort into this. They're all nine feet tall. Yes, with the boots. Yes, they got four foot boots on its fucking hilarious. But he's going to replace John Travolto when John Travolto transfers out. Now he introduces Forest Whitaker as his executive assistant, Kerr. Yes. Now that makes me wonder if they have a secretarial system in this society.

Do they also have a cycloversion of the movie, Secretary? Because I would watch the shit out of that. Well, let's be clear, I would watch anything in the battlefield, earth, universe, something. And we do. We're watching it all. And this is where I first wrote my notes. Why are they all playing this part? They're making fun of a community theater performance of Hamlet.

Everybody in there is like making fun of the very concept of acting. This is for us fucking Whitaker, he's a real actor. I just don't get it. All right. He's gonna start pranking the movie soon though, which is fun. Yeah, yeah.

The rest of the mind doing it on purpose, he's gonna start pranking the movie. I think you're right. So okay, so Travolta-LiDit is giving Hoidi-Toy-Toy a quick tour of the facilities And this is where we meet testicle neck, right? This is neck guy, thank you. Okay, I got excited earlier and I was like, this is neck guy

neck And you know we've all worked with this guy, right? We don't talk about it and the new guy's always like, hey, what's with that guy's neck? And you're like, don't he got Don't We think it was an accident when he was a kid And the new guy's always like, hey, what's with that guy's neck? And you're like, don't, he got, don't. We think it was an accident when he was a kid. Oh, no, no, no.

Yes, so. Why did they put this in the movie? They didn't have to make it. They didn't have to. It's a giant neck guy. Literally, we watch Testicle Neck negotiate a con. Testicle Neck is such an undersell of what's happening. And no one ever goes, it's bubbling like a cauldron of soup for the movie.

It's so big. And no one at any point in the movie goes, well, of course, you know, he's a Bulgarian, right? Right. But they have big testicle necks. Nobody ever acknowledges it in any way. His makeup artist just had a hard attack halfway through and. They were like, God damn it, no recess! I feel like somebody got caught fucking a giant weird skin mask in real life, and they were like,

for the movie. I do understand. That's for the movie. Hey, Craig, is your skin mask full of cum? No. It's a method. I'm putting it on. Did you make a giant pereotasticals?

Oh, it smells like a Loganberry bush in here. Oh, smells like Cantuna. So that's supposed to smell like Cantuna, you need to see a bite of thyme. You really need to see a bucket of thyme. I feel like a truck can back me up that sometimes it smells like canned tuna. I'm too much. Sparkle donkey's a key. No.

Sometimes it smells like canned tuna. Sometimes it comes, smells like tuna. So. Reposato. But this is... Rested come. So... Reposato. But this is... This is... RESTED COME. But this is of course where we learned that John Travolta is not going to get promoted. He's not going to get transferred out.

He fucked some senator's daughter and the senator's still mad about it. So Hoiti, Twelio, just a dangle the promotion in front of him and yank it back. And then they all like cackle angrily at his misery. So, and then just very briefly we check in on the ridiculously name to planet cyclone. You know how we live on planet human? It's like that. And they have random explosions that sci-fi feels the need to have. I feel like if you figure out intergalactic travel and teleportation, you also figure out the random roof explosions in your major cities. Turns out, no, you did not. No, no.

Yeah, no, I wrote my notes like, why that can't be a painting. There are animated fire plumes in four locations, yeah. So, we see see Hoidi Toy Toy Teleport back in, and then we go back to the bar where Travoltoid is very upset, right? He's really mad that he has to stay on Earth, especially after he burned all his bridges. Oh, yeah, he's yelling like, I went to an Ivy League, whatever,

a cyclo university, and he's named as SAT Scores and being an asshole. Yes. I would have fucking NYU. How am I in a podcast right now? I should have been on Broadway. Learned to tap dance. Fuck.

It happens. You have the same job as me. I do. Hey, he thought I didn't even go to fight in college. Didn't you go to something like Agna, you got a degree in smart guy stuff or something? So, so he faked it. And I'll give you the exact line because this is the most delicious line in the entire fucking movie. This is what he actually says, and I quote, well, you were still learning how to spell your name.

I was being trained to conquer galaxies. I drive a Dodge Stratus. So, okay. So the next morning we go back to the prisoners. The next morning they're feeding everybody with the big sludge gun. So, why is that always the choice in sci-fi universes? They're always like liquid food, like that.

That's always the sign, that and weird games that children play. Right. They never just figured out ball and a hoop. They're always like, yeah, throw the crum-no, throw the walk-not. Yes. So, everybody's about to go up to the sludge trough to have their sludge. When suddenly, some random guy does like a superhero

landing right in front of Johnny Goodboy. That's just that's really the name. I just, my job has never been easier. Johnny Goodboy Tyler. Johnny Goodboy Tyler. Yes, Johnny Goodboy Tyler. He lands and he's like, we eat from the sludge trough first. And Johnny's like, that seems like a weird flex man.

My name is Al Fadog. Bad boy. I eat first. Bad boy Tyler. And they fight so stupid. Yeah, Johnny ain't having any of that shit. So we get the big prison fight. This is not one of those multiple hits in a single take type fight sequences. We get them one at a time. I mean at least this

has punching rather than fucking Clark-lar from HR reducing everyone's paid time off. That has been the movie up to this point. A lot of bureaucratic fucking paperwork that goes on in this film. Other people's work drama, the sci-fi epic. For real, we've already met literally the regional manager of space or whatever. We've met the assistant to the regional manager. Well, you're literally that both of those things. It says like Amazon, and it was like the character name. Yes, fucking regional manager. There's an org chart. No. Watching them go through like those weird

fucking bonding exercises. But they all just let each other drop during trust falls. And then they can't go. Yeah so so Johnny good boy wins the fight and he's like, you know, now he has the power of the sludge, but he says no We shall now all eat the sludge together And this is great moment right because he sees the means of sludge production and he holds out the sludge to Uncredited extra girl number two and she does like a to uncredited extra girl number two and she does like a Johnny good boy Tyler is like we all eat together and she is like no And it's and it's dripping down as wrist into his sleeve and shit as he's holding every it's the every time I bring Noah to a fancy restaurant

the scene. Yeah. It's a sludge tasting, Noah. It's a flight of sludge. A flighty ass sludge is a fucking room. It's four different years. This is just the Amuse-Buse sludge. Then we're going to get to the first sludge course. Oh, good.

Yeah, no, the tizen really good in my throw-wise. It pairs with sludge. Yeah, right. All right, well,'hôpital. Oui, oui. Alors, je vais te dire que je suis sûrs de penser à l'hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôpital qui est une hôp Well, I'm not a fan of this. I'm not a fan of this. I'm not a fan of this. I'm not a fan of this. I'm not a fan of this. I'm not a fan of this. I'm not a fan of this.

I'm not a fan of this. I'm not a fan of this. I'm not a fan of this. I'm not a fan of this. I'm not a fan of this. I'm not a fan of this. I'm not a fan of this. Not fluent, like 90% of that was nonsense. Or was it? It was, but if you did want to learn a new language, there's no better way to do it than Babel. What's Babel?

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Exactly. And here's a special, limited time deal for our listeners to get you started right now. Get 55% off your Babble subscription, but only for our listeners, at babble.com slash awful. Get 55% off at babble.com slash awful spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash awful. And then, once we have captured the man animal, we will make him mine through the gold without endangering our breath gas. All watched by our PICTO cameras. Sorry, boss.

What's up? Yeah, I think maybe your translator is having a problem. My speak translator? What's the matter wrong with it? Uh, yeah. You're kind of doubling words. IBM? Yep.

Yeah, okay, let me see it. Let me see it. Yep. Yep. There it is Let me get it. I got it. Oh, well, thanks. I must have sounded like an idiot. I mean more like a sci-fi hack trying to fill a Per-word deal to support a co-cappet, but yeah, yeah got it And we're back I love double dipping on the applause like that. And we're going to rejoin the action with paperwork. Now, metal, paper, paper, paper. Yes, metal, paper.

This is the future. In a thousand years, paper is very thick metal. It's metal. Yeah. I feel like this just this bit of space work was a prank on Forrest Wittaker. Because I feel like this just this bit of space work was a prank on Forrest Wittaker because I feel like fully functional in his element, well-rested Forrest Wittaker, isn't doing

awesome at paperwork. But he's got two finger gloves and a fucking hat on. He looks like a forangi-turned sideways. And they were just like, now For, put the metal in the slot. And he was like, I will remember this. Leave in your religion. I'm going to change my religion. Yes, yes.

So, yeah, so he's going to be in Jewish. So he's doing his metal paperwork. And I've said it Jews. They're Detroit. So he's doing his metal paperwork and I've said it to you. So he's doing his metal paperwork and John Travoltoid comes in and he's like angrily glaring at him from behind. He's like, you know, you've done something very bad and he's like, how do you know? He's like, because I installed cameras and sometimes you got a really rough lotion in.

Like when you're chafing, you to just that's it was rubbing the lotion in not really amount but no it turns out that forest widocle it has discovered a gold vein that he can mine and he hasn't told john dr. Voltoid about it because he figured he was going to get promoted out of the air and then he'd be able to take credit for all the gold himself right that's the plot now

john dr. Voltoid oh it's about to, I'm sorry, let me make a dumber. The aliens can't mine it though, because there, because there's uranium nearby, and they're air. Sorry, they're air. Do you mean breath gas? I do mean breath gas. Do you mean that they're attached to a translation device and they still say breath gas?

Yes. Even though there's a word for that called air, there we have. So there. It's not a good translation device. So they're breath gas, oiled. If it comes into contact with uranium, anything radio act, anything radioactive, it'll explode. Okay, but like, stuff is radioactive. All over the world, we're like, it's fine. I really wanted bananas to like a boomerang, we just watch, boom, boom, boom. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Camera pans up, it's Ray Comfort. Oh, hell yeah. Oh, hell yeah. Did somebody call for a savior? Yes. God, I just wrote such a better movie. Yep, yep. So but they can't mind the goal, what they need is they need humans to mind the

gold for them. This is very important. It's not. It's so stupid. There's also this great moment where like he's angry at Forrest Whittaker and he goes like he's going to shoot him and he goes, you can't shoot me, that's a kid's regulation. There would be so much metal paperwork to do. You have to put cover sheets on all the TPS.

It's so dumb. It's all office politics for the next act. Yes. But yeah, he decides not to murder him. He's like, no, I, I need you to help me with my master plan. And I'm like, wow, you know, not trying to murder somebody before I end up as a much better strategy

for getting him to help you. But he didn't figure that out, didn't think of that. So now we get Tervoltoid. He's trying to convince the boss, testicle neck. That's the boss of everybody. Mitch McConnell, the volcano demon. Yeah. Yeah. That's the boss of everybody. Mitch McConnell, the volcano, do you know who? Yeah.

Yeah. Mitch McConnellid. Well, well, well, well, well. He says, just getting a massage, it's really creepy. It is. Yeah, right. They've got like Ford and there's like three chicks massaging him and one chick just sort of rubbing his head like this.

Yes. It's very clear that they paid for four actresses to be hot masseuses, and then the three paired up on all the human limbs, and the fourth one was like, fuck to white, and they were like, just... It's... It's... It's... You can see this act just sarcastically being an actress,

just like... See, I went to NYU with Eli. I feel like I came out better, honestly. At least I'm not doing a fucking podcast. But Travoltoid says there's going to be a worker revolt amongst the cyclos. They're going to not want to work for them anymore. So instead they need to train man animals on how to mine. Right?

Again, this is the plot. I have to go through this. I apologize. But of course all of the cyclos laugh in the very thought of lowly man animals being able to mine. But they knew we had metal shit. Right, they we had to. We had them to when they showed up.

Yeah. So had them on. When they showed up. Yeah. So, okay. Anyway. He says, what if I took them just out in the middle of nowhere to do some practice mining better if you don't know the location? Why would that be better? That's...

Oh. But testicle neck isn't sold on that. Yeah, this scene is no one out letting me buy a billboard for I can fuck away your Lyme disease.com. Yeah, this scene is no one out letting me buy a billboard for I can fuck away your Lyme disease.com. Yeah, exactly. Right. If you want to know what that company meeting went like, I even had a test little neck for a whole day.

Yeah, no, there was a lady rubbing her head and everything, yeah, that went to NYU. Ha, ha, ha. So we check in on the enslaved human, still just hating life, everybody's shackled together. And all of a sudden, a drunk spaceship driver... Everything goes wrong, all of a sudden. It's so fucking stupid. This spaceship hits a smoke stack above them, and the smoke stacks are spalling on all the humans.

Yeah, an episode of Citation Needed happens. It's like, all right, it's like... Eli flies past in the challenger somehow, then like tower seven collapses onto Chernobyl. And then like all the people of color in the movie die and that actually does happen later. No, it's really bad. Cyclow driving the ship is like, I'm just gonna keep going, I don't have insurance. It's fine. I love so much more shit falls on them than there was of that smoke.

That dude just keeps falling and you're like, come on, where the fuck with the rest of the heavy gunman from? But of course, Johnny uses this opportunity to escape. His legs are shackled, but don't worry, he takes care of that with the old, hit them really hard, trick. Classic. And so he runs off, but he's not very good at escaping, so they catch him again. And they're like, okay, that's like the, he's shot at dude and tried to escape twice.

Let's, let's shoot him elsewhere. Wait till you get home. Everybody knows you don't shoot him now. You wait till you get home. Right. So they drag him back inside the dome where, where the humans can't breathe, but the cyclists, the cyclists have to wear the little nose things when they're outside of the dome, dome where the humans can't breathe with the cyclists The cyclists have to wear the little nose things when they're outside of the dome right because they can't breathe Human air or human breath gas. Yep. Yep. No good terminology right So they drag him back inside the dome for a quick game of how long does it take this human to die without his nose tubes So they pull out this fucking alien stopwatch. I love the needlessly complicated alien take. Cause like, I don't give a fuck

where you're from. A stopwatch would still look like a goddamn stopwatch. Why would that be different? In cyclo we have start, stop, pause for evil laughter. Forrest Whitaker. So, and it's shaped like the Wu-Tang thing. For no reason, yeah. So yes, and they take his nose thing, he's suffocating, and he runs off and they're like,

it's okay that he's run off because the human can't survive more than four minutes, and I'm like, yeah, but you have a bet on how long he's going to last. You still have to run along beside him and see when he dies. I like it. They didn't think of that. They were like, fuck, we have to follow him. They're going to get the bet. And they try to catch up with any, he cheats a little bit.

Right, because he comes across like fucking two minutes from where they are. There's a bunch of humans with nose tubes. He's like, can I borrow a nose tube? And they're like, sure, man, you seem to need one. I wonder if to go like one, two be each like headphones. Yes, right? That's the only thing right way to go.

But they were just apocalypse, heath one nostril, two different guys. Technically, the bet is still going. Yes, but they were so popular. There's a apocalypse, Heath, one nostril, two different guys. Technically, the bed is still going. Yes it is. Thank you. Still counts. I'm winning. So the alien shoot at him, he keeps running. Meanwhile, Travoltoid and Whitacoid are plotting, right? This is said, maybe the stupid, well not the stupidest scene in the movie.

Maybe this fifth stupidest scene in the movie here. Because this is where four smugglers are like, I'm going to get a share of the gold, aren't I? And John Traveller is like, dude, I double crossed you every single fucking scene, even when there's not a thing to double cross you. Obviously, I'm going to double cross you and he's like, yes. No, come on, I should get a benefit from the plan as well. And he's like, all right, why don't you,

hold on, let me set up the camera. Why don't you tell me what the plan is as though it's your idea. Name the evil plan, but I don't know, like as a fun improv exercise, do it in the first person. Yeah, let's do a sketch. I have a little sketch that I wrote out

where you came up with a plan and I'm trying to stop you. I'm gonna set up this circle light one second. Yeah, so. So yeah, so but he tricks force Whitaker into pretending that it's his plan and he gets video of him and he's like, aha, now I have blackmail against you so you can't double cross me later.

And he's like, yeah, I really should've seen that coming. Leverage. So yes, leverage, thank you. Yeah, and we come back to that. So, Ellsworth, Johnny's still running through the sewers now. Travolta, it just happens to look at the sewer cam in that moment. He's in the habit, apparently, of regularly checking the sewer cams. Lucky do.

Still a bunch of shit. Yep. Yep. Yep. I've seen some shit, man. Still a bunch of shit. Yep. Yep. Yep. I've seen some shit, man. He's watching the movie. Where we at in the movie, we can't possibly still be looking at me and Forrest Whitaker arguing

about you've got something on your shirt. Yeah, no, no, he's doing that runaway thing. So the aliens that lost him earlier, they catch back up with him, and one alien says to the other, he's like, I bet you, I can shoot off one of his limbs without missing. And I wanted the other guy to go, like, man, this is how we got in this fucking problem in the first place, right? We gave him, we just, you're gambling addiction that got us here. We're all the fucking way in the sewers now.

Just remember, shoot him now, wait till you get home, we got fucked up, just center mass, center mass, he's the good guy. We're the bad guys, center mass, nope. Nope. But just then, Travoltoid sneaks up and shoots both of those aliens from behind because now he's figured out that Johnny is the right man animal for his mining plan, right? Because who better to trust than the guy who has repeatedly tried to escape and shot someone to death?

To be fair, he has shot less psych lows to death than John Travolta. No, you're right, you're right. So, oh, you should also point out that like, this movie is brutish by the standards of God awful movies when it comes to profanity, right? Because like, he keeps saying stuff like, how the crap should I know?

I've got a few more of those in my nose. I just wanted to warn you. So anyway, so they're like, okay, so what we needed to do, they were so proud of this stupid fucking shit. They're like, what we need to do is figure out what the humans like to eat so that we can offer them that as a reward. And honestly, if this was a flash cut to a scene

where the cyclos take the humans to a 1,000-year-old buffalo wild wings. I would be in! Do you guys all want Diablo sauce? Sorry, this is hard to pour and these fingers are fucking stupid. I got to... The softshars come out the bottom when the cyclos, so you got to... We also changed cup technology quite a bit.

This butt plug thing isn't working out great. So, and... We're gonna make force Whitaker do this later. So? But it's not a race thing, we swear. But the fucking plan here, they're like, so what we're gonna do, we're gonna let some of the humans think that they've escaped, and then we'll watch them from afar for several days until they find something to eat,

and then we'll know that that's their favorite thing to eat. But they're captives. Like, you don't have to woo... No, you're captives. It's a weird note. Again, I feel like I strategized for the bad guys, but that's weird. The fucking brain is coming up to him going, that's a convoluted plot, man. I don't think that's all those steps are necessary. So, and last we see something cool, like, you know, the prison escape, we just cut to them having already escaped now, right?

Or fake escaped. Let's watch them fuck and see which type of butt stuff they're into. And then we'll offer, we'll dangle that type of butt. You know what, you just do whatever you want. You have a dept of it. You make that just do whatever you want. You have the skeptics. You make that suggestion and off a lot for us, where I just want to point out that you,

well, it's not the first time I've ever come out with this time. So that's why we got fired from the Toy Store. That's how we ended up going to work out. Well, it all worked out. So we see Johnny, Carlo, and the guy that he fought for the peace sludge championship. Those three guys are climbing up a mountain together.

We have this sequence. Now, again, they were so proud of this moment. The good guys find a rat and are starving to death. So they eat the rat, and from that point on, John Travoltoid thinks that humans love rats. They will milk that fucking shit for humor about 37 more times before this movie's over. That fucking shit for humor about 37 more times before this movie's over. They become full blown fucking bugs bunny villains at this point. I love too, they keep saying like, oh we can see them through the pic-toe cameras. As opposed to what other kind of camera.

Stupid fucking shit. Okay. Camera. Stupid fucking shit. OK. But then Johnny figures out there's a camera in their buttons. How the fuck would he know about cameras? Yeah, because he's watching the movie. Oh, OK. It never matters, by the way. Like, it will never affect the movie.

He's just like, and now this scene ends because I have literally destroyed the camera film. Right, because immediately after that, we see John Travolton first, Whitaker finding them. Right, because if that was like how they got away and then they couldn't find them later, it might make some amount of fucking sense. But no, immediately after that, they take a spaceship and they're like, well, I guess we gotta go get them.

I like the idea of a spy team not knowing what to do with the information they have, though. It feels like, like, some spy team is watching what to do with the information they have though. It feels like like some spy team is watching you via your TikTok and they're just like, what the fuck does China do with this information? It's not an Albus at all. Someone's in China HQ right now being like, okay, so she's holding a hair iron and there's a popcorn kernel in it. And... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Thank you for the glizzy. Mom, no, mom. And I, what I'm saying is I don't think there are threat and maybe this whole thing was a wick. It's not that. It's not that. And you're here. It's a bug a peg a corn.

It's a... The ultimate counterintelligence right here. Yeah, it's the right. Yeah. So the bad, so the good guys are running because they can see that forest Whiticoid and John Travoltoid are right on their asses with the spaceship. They come across an impassable ravine.

The good guy, Johnny, he's about to jump into the ravine to the river below. They're like, oh, you'll die. He goes to running. He goes to jump in the spaceship that forest Whitaker sent rises up out of the ravine. That they were just looking down into. Like true lies with the Harry or Sh chest? Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

And it's noisiest shit. I'm like, I feel like it would have been noisier in the ravine, though, wouldn't it, Morgan? Anyway, it's not a sneak up on you type vehicle as what I'm saying, but they all get caught. How are your jet mean like, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump How are your jet mean like, bump, bump, bump, let's dress up. Oh, boiler alert. It rises up, but it's dressed as a bush.

Yeah. No. Again, normal boiler alert. So I forgot how dumb the end of the whole thing is. Yes, exactly. As bad as this is the Thurnec, there's so much worse. It's important not to make jokes as we analyze this movie, because we end up as writers.

We write it. Yep. It's okay. So they throw the piece ludge bad guy that we never bothered to name. They throw him out of the ravine to see if humans can fly. They can't. And then they take Johnny and Carlo back to fucking blue dutch angles, city or whatever. And this is where it's time to put Johnny in the

spinny teaching chair. You never really appreciate the creativity of the Babblefish till you see shit like this. He's in the learning. They call it the fucking knowledge machine. It's so fucking dumb. So they're like, well, in order for them to mine, they're going to have to be able to speak cyclos. So let's put them in the learn stuff machine like from the matrix. Now, the way that they visualize this is first, by showing like literal charts and equations fly into Johnny's eyes. Mm-hmm. Also, it doesn't just teach him cyclo.

It teaches him like all the things he'll need for act three of the movie for some reason. Right. Also, fucking Euclidean geometry and molecular biology for some fucking reason. We'll get there in a second But my favorite thing about the lurometer meter thing is that at one point they pull them out and they're like Oh, he's not done yet. So the fucking lurometer is like an air fryer Right you just got it

No, I don't think that's good yet No, I don't think that's good yet. Probably just stand here and watch it. Yeah, it looks like. Is it 400 degrees right away? It's when you smell it. You have to smell it. Got it. Okay.

The other thing that's great, there's a moment where they show us A squared plus B squared equals C squared. Yeah. There's also this moment where they show us what it's like in the learning machine. There's this little timid alien, this different kind of alien that comes up and says, oh, I'm going to do you how to speak cyclone now. And we just get a good three minutes with this guy.

I wanted to follow that story, the race of alien power bottoms that were just like, ooh, dominate me cyclone. That movie, that movie ruled. that were just like, ooh, dominate me, cycles. That movie, that movie ruled. Yeah. So, but yeah, so now we can understand John Travolta. Battlefield girth.

Yes. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Good night, everybody. Thank you so much for coming out. Big thank you to the garden theater. So, and then we also get a scene where the good guys, the other good guys, they come in and they see Johnny in the knowledge machine. And they're like, oh, rescue him from that.

There's charts and words flying into his eyes and shit. So they pull him out and he's like, no, that's actually I was kind of into that. If you do it, you want to mine throw him back in and there's these power bottom aliens. It's that's be a lot to explain. But he goes to any learns more. And then that night we get this it's it's so dumb. We're back in the prison. He's drawn a giant equation on the floor because because when you reach a certain amount of intelligence, you start just drawing equations on random shit, you know. And it's so big that like, he would have had to ask people to move, right? And if you guys could move over to the left and just try not to,

because like the other part is over there, where you're walking. He's known all of human knowledge for three seconds. And some guys like, what are we going to use this in real life? And some guys like, what are we gonna use this in real life? And he's like, we are. We are. We're gonna escape from slavery with this. And he's like, I don't know.

I got a calculator in my pocket. So he's teaching him about triangles. He goes, this is the entire basis of Euclidian geometry. I'm like, we're the aliens also named their geometry, this is the entire basis of Euclidian geometry. I'm like, weird that the aliens also named their geometry after Euclid. After Euclid? Yeah, right. Right.

You should have seen the ships they came down and all janky as fuck, never meaning. Angles never quite connected. Shit, landless thing. I think these guys are under something. We might be able to shoot our movies head-on. What? Oh, Jesus.

What's so funny about this is that there's supposed to be him doing like, he's supposed to be saying smart stuff because he's just learning all of human knowledge, but the people writing it are idiots. So he's just going with sixth grade snapple. The best way I was like, equal lateral triangle set. All six keys agreed. Come on, Nate does help. Tells them to be about me about the premium or something like

Be useful you learned all the knowledge and you're not gonna explain some come on So yes, so we get they now now they're power bottom the newly educated humans are Like poking around in John Travolta's office he apparently put him to work in his office for some stupid fucking reason the movie doesn't explain to us. They figure out his secret code. And it's password. Yes. Yes. The password is password. It's a fucking Mug 2020. It's okay. It's literally they're like, well we know as employee ID number see if it's that. And it's like, no, it's not that. It's like see if it's that backwards. It's like, what should be really fucking boring if it wasn't? number, see if it's that. And it's like, no, it's not that. It's like, see if it's that backwards. It's like, what's it be really fucking boring if it wasn't? Yes, fine.

It's that backwards. They figure out how the cameras work. Anyway, so then we check in back with his girlfriend. We check back in with Chrissy, right? We have a quick scene where his horse made it home. I told you the horse was fine. Y'all didn't believe me. So horse makes it home, I told you the horse was fine. Y'all didn't believe me. So horse makes it home.

She looks and she's like, I'm gonna have to go out and rescue him. And the old guy's like, you're obviously gonna end up in distress. Fucking duh, like that's how the movie goes. And he's like, Chrissy stop. Before you go, you need to fail the Bechtel test. Even harder than you already have. Let's talk about the man that matters.

Yes, yes. Johnny Goodboy, Tyler. His name is Johnny Goodboy. He got to be Goodboy. And that's the end of the fucking scene. Yep, that's it. That's it. You will never matter again.

Well, she'll matter. Well, she'll be in distress. She will be in distress. So, okay. So, Johnny's back on the learning computer again. Travoltoids mad that he won't eat his rat. So very funny. Thank you so much, so much mileage out of that.

Now what Johnny's decided to do is pretend that the knowledge machine isn't working, so they'll keep him on that longer and he'll get more knowledge. And for us, Wyrghar's like, hey, what if he's just pretending the knowledge machine isn't working so they'll keep him on longer and he'll get more knowledge. And Boris Wicker is like, hey, what if he's just pretending the knowledge machine doesn't work so that we'll leave it on him longer and he'll get more knowledge. And Chantrable did say that would be stupid. What a stupid fucking plot. You fucking idiot. That would be terrible.

Why would our knowledge machine teach him things that we don't want him to know? And he's like, no, that makes sense. I'm Boris Wittaker. Come get me, mom. I'm not having a good time. They make me do a bunch of manuals, exteriority stuff and I feel like it's a race thing. Oh Jesus Christ. They made me play Connect for this morning. So, it's a psalm game. So, they're like, all right, well, I guess this one's not, the knowledge isn't taken on this one. We should shoot him and try over.

And then he's like, oh, no, I speak cyclow, right? So, he starts speaking cyclow to him using their language, tell him the fuck biscuits or whatever. I love that the movie couldn't decide how to handle the language, changing between English and cyclists. They were just like, I think we caught the baby in half. Isn't that what it said in the behind? They just did half a sentence and then it was like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Yeah, right. Go for your biscuits. But he's like, but now the good guys have gotten a bunch of guns, right? Because he figured out where the guns were hidden and he had the code. So now the the good guys have gotten a bunch of guns right because he figured out where the guns were hidden and he had the code So now the other good guys have gotten guns and he's like take me to the transporter machine or all have you killed But the guns aren't loaded How would you even load these you have to put the Wu Tang CD in through the The guns are designed so stupidly that in that very classic trope scene where it's like,

that's not loaded. He just holds it because they couldn't figure out how to load these guns. He's like, just, there is a loading that is done to that. You trust me? There's a way in which this is then loaded. So how are laser guns better than regular guns if you still have to fucking load them? Right. Do they have to go to the planetarium and grab like a handful of those pointers and... Right. Do they have to go to the planetarium and grab like a handful of those pointers and feed

them into the Wu Tang symbol, double-lay batteries? So yeah, so the guns won't fire, but Johnny explains he's like, but you still can't kill me because I know your evil plan and I'll rat you out because I've been listening to you monologue about your evil plan for the last two days. Because I've been watching the movie. So but then this is so everything is so dumb. It just keeps getting dumber from here. So John Travoltoid is like, well, I just have to prove to you first of all that you humans

can never defeat us. So let me take you to a human library where all the books will have really held up well over the last thousand years. My God, he's bringing him to a drag queen story hour. The ultimate brainwashing tool is the evil library. Yeah, so he's like, read all of the human books and you'll see that there's no knowledge you could use that would be useful in Act 3.

Okay, in my notes, I'm watching this movie, occasionally I just write down what's happening in my life. I wrote down, I wrote down John Travolta in Dreadlocks, wearing nose plugs like a kid learning to swim, dragging a guy on a neck leash into the Denver Public Library. This is my life right now. Yes. I love that he's wearing four-foot stilt boots

and you didn't even bother to mention that, right? That wasn't even in your list. So yeah, so Johnny Sturds read all of human knowledge starting with the Declaration of Independence. Obviously. First Independence. Obviously. First pick! Yes. First, what's the greatest human book?

Declaration of Independence? So I got some bad news for Forest Whitaker and this thing. Yeah. They're actually very clear about their policy. Terrifying. It's like the worst first date of all time. Somebody answers with, my favorite book is The Decree. Oh no, I'm fucking that person.

That person craze. Maybe. Did you have Vinci Code? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, right. The white paper about Bitcoin. Like, it's actually not come out now.

Is my favorite book. So he's like, all right, now that you've had plenty of library time and you know that the human knowledge is never gonna help you, I need to like really drive the point home. So watch me shoot cows. Pfft. Well, not shoot cows.

Let me stand near cows. Well, so he starts shooting these cows, and he's doing like, he's doing like, behind the back. Again, you simmity fucking Sam this bullshit is. And if it's supposed to be serious, the cow noises are ruining it, right? He's like, Yes, yes, mom!

Mom! Yes, yes, moo, moo. So he shoots a bunch of cows. He's shooting their legs off, too. By the way, he's not killing the guys. He's just shooting their legs out from under him. It's like bugging alien cow tipping, I guess. But just then a bunch of humans, a bunch of savage humans, run in and attack John Travolta. But Johnny, like, who is, you know, outraged in the name of Animal Us, Brind

Drea, or whatever, gets, uh, John Travolta's gone. And it tells the humans, he's like, hey, you know, this is still act two, you know, he is the big draw we paid him ten million dollars to be in this movie So you can't kill him yet But be on my side later on like an act three you guys can kick some ass and I'm like all right Well, it sounds like a pretty good deal. I actually like that deal. Can we get this feature? Can we be featured under five? Yes, some of you can be featured under five? Can we have crafty? No, you cannot have crafty It's mostly sludge paste.

Yeah, it's easy. Yeah. So I love to do the way that they start as they're like, you know, the great gods of decree that you shall not attack our cows. And Johnny is like, actually, it turns out that your religion is wrong. And people don't usually take that well, Johnny. I know from experience. You're not winning them over to your side yet.

But he explains, because, of course, he's read the Declaration of Independence, so he explains the value of freedom. Which has that great stake recipe, and I don't know if you've checked it out recently. But he's like, no, we can't kill him now. I need to go back and learn more alien shit, right? And they're like, why? He's like, because they have these power-bottom aliens, these holograms? I don't know, you don't know what that means, but trust like, why? And he's like, because they have these power bottom aliens, these holly grids? I don't know what that means, but trust me.

It's worth going back for. So all of the human savages leave, and of course, John Travolta doesn't know what they're saying, because he doesn't speak English. So then he says to him, in cyclo, hey, I tricked them, they've all left now, and they're not going to attack you, because I'm on your side. And he's like, okay, great, great.

Quick before we wrap this scene up though, we do not have a damsel in distress yet in the film. Wait for it. Yep. So for us, Whitacoyd lands and they've got Chrissy. They've kidnapped her. And he's like, this is a great one. This is one of the better dumbs of the entire movie. He's like, I don't know that chick. I don't know who she even is. And they're like, this is a great one. This is one of the better dumbs of the entire movie.

He's like, I don't know that chick. I don't know who she even is. And they're like, nice try. She had this sketch that she did of you using her thousand-year-old pencils. That of all the dumb connective tissue in this movie. Yes. Yes.

You know her because she had a picture of you right up there. Yes, yeah, and he's like I'm gonna put an explosive collar on her neck and if you step out of the line I'll use this remote control to blow her up. Right? And it works from anywhere on the planet like they felt like really needed to explain this one. Yes, why do they just ask everywhere on the planet? Why do they just like duct tape

a big cartoon bomb to her hand? Right. I've placed her above this cliff edge and she'll look down if you bother me. Yes. So, everything Trills has the whole movie is the meme with the drunk guy and the beer yelling into the crowd.

Yeah, everything he says, the entire time. So he's like, you wouldn't kill my girlfriend. He's like, oh, you doubt me. Well, then let me murder this unnamed character that you apparently have a connection with to demonstrate my point. And he's like, don't murder Dave. And we're like, we don't know who that is.

I don't care about you. Johnny Goodboyboy Tyler. He says, please don't kill him, please. And Johnnieville is like, all right fine, I won't kill him. But for a swindicoy to will. No! Got him, idiots. Now sit on this whoopie cushion, I'm an evil alien.

It's... All right, well I think this movie has literally run out of bad guy cliches at this point, so clearly it needs a break, but first let me give A3 the hard sell. Will the dumbest thing that has ever happened in a movie still happen? Will my complaints about the condition of the thousand-year-old mini-golf course stegosaurus seem quaint in comparison? Will this be the movie that finally breaks me? Find out the answers to these questions and more. We return for the unapologetically stupid conclusion of... Battlefield Earth! Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo That's what you think, Cyclow. You doubt me, do you? Perhaps you are right and I shall let you go.

Except, I won't! Oh, okay. You thought I was going to let you go, but then I didn't. I mean, not really. You barely even paused. I was just asking. Oh, well. Then perhaps I should give you a reward for your cleverness by letting you go Are are you actually no hog that time you fell for my rules for sure you fell for that no no

No, I just I just asked if you were because you paused again like weirdly. I see well I guess you win this time man animal Hmm. Oh, but before you do this time man animal. Oh But before you do you have a spot on your shirt Right here man animal. No, I don't I assure you you do it is a real big one too very embarrassing. I don't though You sure you'd you'd look very silly if you didn't check. Okay. You're good. Yeah, got it Oh, where is it? No, you were fooled like the fool you are. Gotta tell you, man, I'm feeling way better

about genocide-ing your planet at this point. I get that a lot. Tsk. And, door back for even more of this shit. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

So, we're gonna rejoin our heroes being led back to prison willingly this time. Johnny started to doubt himself because, you know, he literally just got one of his friends killed with his bullshit. And of course, everybody's like, it's not your fault that unnamed character died, Johnny, and I'm like, it is though. It is. It's a fault. It's a fault.

It's a fault. It's a fault. It's a fault. It's a fault. 100% your fault. It's a late so quickly, like a middle school playground. It was like, this guy can speak cycle. Oh my God, who said that? Fight, fight, fight, fight, USA, USA, Morgan Sucks, Canada is the worst. Yeah, fuck Toronto, exactly. Yeah, Detroit.

So you think you're so much better on your side of the river because your homeless people aren't dead in the street. What do they make of you, so then? We like him that way. Saves our cops bullets. Yeah. Yeah, I rent your newspaper. I'm from New York and I'm like, come on guys, little muck. Anyways, the movie?

Yes, thank you. So we got back to John Travoltoid at the bar. This is where we're going to meet his extremely long, tongueed secretary. You would think, you would fucking think, right? But no, they have this chicken there, she's like, oh, she's got a four-foot tongue, and we're all like, huh, all right, all right. But then they have her like, kind of lick his shirt all and you're just like, don't, that's, there's,

there's like four things you could have done with that tongue that I wouldn't have been into, and that's one of them. And so don't show it. Don't show John Travolta being like, don't link my shirt. Yeah. If you don't have the courage to show us cycloanolingus. Right. Don't tease us with cycloanolingus. Exactly. Thank you.

Also, sorry, I have to quote one moment here. Does she not say, I'm going gonna make you as happy as a baby on a straight diet of curbango, which is a green licor from the futures. Yes. Yes, a happy, is a baby that only drinks liquor. A starving drunk baby very starved yes

I'm not saying it's a low number. I'm just saying how much is it? That's weird to not tell us and why is it an expression? That's an important one there. Is she the cyclo version of an Irish mom like what's happening? What do you what do you mean by that? You know how when you- I don't know. No, I don't think we need to explain. I don't think we need to explain. I don't think we need to explain.

Let him explain. You know how we have this theater for Intel. It's like they say that we have to be out by- So, okay. But what we know- I were underwear for them. They just- They just- So, okay, but what we were underwear for them, they all was. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha But you couldn't see it from way out there anyways. So anyway, so now the secretary though is going to find out, she's going to lick testicle

next ass and get like a hold of his shady accounting, right, so they can get some black male on him. So we got to a Travoltoid andid and winiquid confronting testicle neck about this shady accounting, right? He's like it looks like we've got leverage over you now and he's like wow I guess whatever I was holding up is now not a problem for the scripts. We're like we won't tell the the

big boss that you've been you know like hoarding money or whatever if you'll sign all these blank permission slips for us. Yeah, and Testicle Nick is like, not document fraud. Yes. Yes. Like, I know people make a big deal about like, oh, everyone in Hollywood has read, save the cat,

so all the movies are the same, but the alternative is not document fraud. It is weird though that we're all taking instructions from the guy who wrote, stop or my mom will shoot. This is true, yeah. Um. The best movie ever in. It does a great movie, thank you.

Barbon Heimer or my mom will shoot. Yeah, right. It's the ultimate trilogy. So, and then we get, we cut back to Johnny. He's back in the, or sorry, he gets it back in the knowledge machine, but then also they have to teach him to fly spaceships so that he can mine. Why? Why?

Why? Why would they be in the back? Those are three great questions. Okay. We are 1,000 years into the future. They're flying across galaxies. They must have something like Tesla's autopilot. You don't think.

Well, maybe something that works. But the version that works. But they have a strong teamsters union. I guess we have to teach this guy. Oh, just some guy sitting out for another mining operation with a giant inflatable rat. It's him. So yeah, so John Travoltoid is basically like,

hey, here's a book on how to make fucking escape blueprints, but don't use it. He's like, he's going through this training, this spaceship training program, and he's like, video game better or I'll blow your girlfriend's head off. I wrote my notes, he says that a lot. It's okay.

It's not. I don't like that. He's gonna write, right, he has to say, I love you. He was about to say, no, it isn't, and then he's like, oh, Mario Kart, wait, you're right. Oh, no, I literally, I literally, I literally, I literally, I literally, then he's like, oh Mario Kart, wait you're right. Fuck you, man. I literally so. I literally so.

And I was like, fuck that's accurate. Yeah. So the key though is that they're very proud of these PS2 graphics or whatever this. So we watched this flight simulator for a fucking while. We're watching the audition for the battlefield Earth roller coaster. Yeah, right.

So silly. We're watching Top Gun Maverick, but like, yeah, on a Game Boy. Or like, a good five minutes. Yeah, don't show all the game by the way. So, so, so, Travoltoid and Winnickoid, finally, they take them out to the gold mine. There's this great moment where they're trying to take them out there, but of course, remember that the aliens can't go all the way out there, because there's uranium in the air. So they have to show.

There's uranium in the air. Right, there's... I'm sorry, in the breath gas. In the breath gas. There's uranium in the breath gas. So they have to show the negative effects of radiation in the breath gas. We get these tiny little explodes. Is that a vulture of horror, I think it is? Because it makes our breath gas explode, so attack? I think it makes. Because it makes our breath gas explode,

so it would probably make it explode. Yeah, a little. We breathe neutrons out like a gun of news. So yeah, so John Travult is like, so I can't go any further, but you guys go on to the gold. I'm getting to be at two weeks, and when I come back, I want this cage half full of gold. I'm like that's a weird instruction.

Everything's so tough. I just demand four. 43% full of gold. So they go to start themselves this space mine. Oh, I forgot to mention that when Johnny was like deciding to like, he was gonna lead the people in rebellion, he starts cutting off locks of his hair to hand to people in some symbolic thing I remember.

So now he has cut his hair into a fucking mullet. I like the idea that there's a jerk who he had to give hair to just because otherwise he was gonna look weird. Right. And he was gonna look weird. Right. And he was like, oh look, it's Pervy Dan. Yes. You know, I'm sorry, I don't wanna look like a fucking flock of seagulls before I say on the yellow.

You're gonna save your ass. You're gonna, yeah, you're gonna, you're gonna jerk off with my hair. I love that, I love that when Eli decided he was gonna go with Pervy Dan, he's like, I can hand heath the hair, that'll be fine. They'll get it So okay, so listeners at home Heath is being pervy with Eli's imaginary hair now a little bit of real there was a little bit of real Come from your face after the mind That's what we always say You never want to become from your face after the mind. Jesus Christ.

That's what we always say. It's so awkward. So awkward, donkeys. Never want to become from face after a mind. Tequila. So Johnny decides that instead of mining the gold, which would be a whole big thing, they're actually going to go to Fort Knox. To save the teen center.

From Denver. From Denver. We can see how fast the ship's going like 45. Right? This would be a 39 hour last. The crow flies and take them 39 fucking hours to speed the ship's going. So those are gold ingots. Yes.

So this, John's revolted the alien is expecting uranium with gold. They're going to explain it. It's all going to get explained to you. And sadly enough, I wrote that down as a joke and he will be like, I made them into ingots for us. Yes. Yes. And John's vote's like, thank you.

Yep. So it's all tracks. So yeah, but luckily, luckily, their ship has infinity fuel. So they go all the way to DC. The way it's going to Fort Knox wasn't far enough. So they go all the way to DC. Had a weird layover in Dallas. Right.

Thousand-year airport somehow Hudson News is still open. Yeah. A thousand-year airport somehow Hudson News is still open. So the light at Starbucks is still really long for some reason. Yeah, right, yeah. So they head over to the Library of Congress for some maps. These maps are doing very well for being a thousand years old, yo. And then they go to Fort Knox. And they go, yeah, I know there's just this moment where I'm staring, I got to explain to the others, this moment where I'm staring at my nose and going like, was it really this

fucking dump? Yes, it was really. They're like, all right, here's what we'll do, we'll fill the cage all the way up and we'll hide half the gold in the mountains, the only one at a half full cage. Anyway, so they do that. Can we have brought, shut up? Get her a fuck out. So then we get John Trimble to check in on him two weeks later. And he, he, he, they're like, here's that half a thing, a gold that you want in.

In-ing-its. In-ing-its. He goes, why is it in bars? And we're like, thank you. And the camera goes like, does anybody have it? Yeah, answer. And then Johnny says, he's like, well, I didn't think you'd want just or.

Because you guys are so, you know, refined. And- That was clever wordplay with refined. Yeah, no it was. It was. The movie didn't think of it. They did not only know it on that one. So yeah, he's like, no, we smelted it for you. It's like, oh, well, if you smelt it for- Think of it. They did not only know it, it on that one. Yeah, correct. So yeah, he's like, no, we smelted it for you. He's like, oh, well, if you smelt it, but how?

We held a lighter under the OR for really long time. You'll notice there's this giant spoon over here. No. As you can see, a squared plus p squared equals c squared plus smelting, Ingets, go in. Yeah. So, Dervoltoid checks it with his goldometer, though, and it is gold.

That's the best. You never appreciate how much fucking star trek makes that look good until you see John Dervolto be like, oh, yeah, that's gold. That's gold, that's gold, it's fucking gold right there. It's gold. So, drivold time. I killed my son.

There was a whole fucking discussion. We had a whole fucking discussion on that. I didn't do the whole bit. I just said, I didn't do the part we said not to. We agreed. No, originally there was a doll for that thing. There was a doll in my thing. There was a doll. It was a doll.

And I did not. So I didn't talk about the photos. All right. All right. So Eric Clapton killed his kid too. So OK. He did. At 2, he did.

All right, Morgan. And I'll give you a clean cut in 2, 3, 1. So so your vote comes in and he's like, he's like, you have seven days to finish all of the mining and get me more gold ingots. So now there is a real ticking clock going on here. So now the bad guys are making their plants, right? They're going to blow up the dome so that the aliens won't be able to breathe. You know what we should do. We should just fly them in Hatton, find that project.

You know, like we did at Fort Knox, but with a bomb. Right. And now we'll have, and seriously though, that is what they fucking do. Yes. Yes. So everybody fucking yells and dog noises in agreement that that should be their plan, right? You know what we should do is find ocean gate the company Yes, and we should find the just the perfect vehicle So so they go to to be clear credits to be clear what we established here is that the good guys plan is we're gonna genocide their planet First right right. We're not there yet, but yes. So they go to Fort Hood, Texas to arm up for their big act three rebellion.

Love this. Where do we get all the genocide stuff? Probably Texas. Yeah, yeah. That is correct. That is correct. And we watch them unveil the airplanes that they're gonna use and one of the guys goes Flying spears and I'm like dude you've been mining for six fucking months. Is it enough? Okay? Also spears. That's already a thing right they already fly There's a whole big of spears. Are there crawling spears? I wanted him to get an intervention Hey Steve, um everything's not a fucking spear, okay? No, no, no.

So now, you might be thinking to yourself, wait, did he just imply that they found airplanes working airplanes? Sure did. A thousand years from now, un-maintained. We're just gonna mine some oil and refine it. Right and some material. And yet it's just a thousand-year-old jet fuel,

and you might be thinking, well, how in the world would they know how to fly those hairier jets that are doing just fine? Well, luckily, there's a flight simulator. Yeah, that is powered by electricity. With electricity. simulator. Yeah. That is powered by electricity. With electricity. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, okay, the Texas power grid. Pants. It is notoriously robust. It is not. I feel like it's fair to say that it's improved with age like a fine wine. Oh, yes, yeah, right. 1,000 years into the future.

It's much better. I feel so dumb, because they first go into board hood. I'm like what the rubber tires on those A.P.C After a thousand years of the day was like the hairier jet still fly know a calm the fuck down The fucking peanuts are still good. They're like Mr. Peanut died. Do you guys remember when they did that? They were like hey What's a good way to get people to eat peanuts? Let's fucking kill our men. It's hot.

Oh, like you never wanted to kill Mr. Peanut. Like John Travolta's son. I watched no fall for that. He was like, oh, good. He's all beans. Morgan. Now, of course, we, beans! So Morgan. Now, of course, we should point out that the cyclo-home planets atmosphere will ignite with a nuclear explosion.

So that's how they're going to, they're like, you know, oh, if we kill all the cyclos with the dome, they're going to just teleport in more cyclos. So we need to zen aside their entire fucking planet with a nuclear bomb. Luckily, they look under N for nuclear bomb at Fort Hood. Sure. They're like, oh, look, that's nifty. I love the self-sacrifice conversation they have here, right? Because they've got the nuke, right?

And he's like, I'll teleport myself to the planet and die for the cause. And the other guy's like, no, let me do it. And Johnny Goodboy Tyson is like, OK. Yeah. That's a good argument. And Johnny Goodboy Tyson is like, okay. Yeah. That's a good argument. I didn't think about it like that.

Okay, but you said they have the nuke to be clear. They have 1,000 year old jets. And they pull out a loose handful of uranium. I guess. From a main bridge. Like a pes dispenser. There is like, huh, uranium, and then we'll send this to that. But here's the other thing too, is that we have established

that just uranium existing in their atmospheres enough to blow up their entire planet, right? No one has to sacrifice themselves for this. They could just put the uranium on the fucking teleporter and be done with it, and they're still having this. But I get to be the one that dies here when we're only going to act three damn it, fight. Cheat. on the fucking teleporter and be done with it. And they're still having this. But I get to be the one that dies heroically in Act 3, damn it, fight.

Cheat. I don't want to be a scientist. I feel like they all had a meeting beforehand and they were like, hey, I bet we can get Frank to kill himself. Miss Sox, he's scurrying. Hear me out. You know that remote controlled nuclear bomb thing

that we're going to watch a user remote win? Yeah. What if we just told him, Frank, you got to go, buddy. Yeah, that's right. Morgan, you gotta introduce us otherwise they won't know the show is starting. So then we cut to, we cut to trope, Voltoid, he's got his gold and gets, he's packing them to go, he's packing them in

like coffins, cyclocoffins. Yeah, moving the gold like the CIA sells heroin. Man, smart. Very smart. So, and then this is where Johnny approaches forest widacoid and talks him into turning on John Travoltoid, right? He's like checking the humans or whatever and Johnny Goodboy. It's so stupid.

We're all the way through the whole entire show. I still can't say what the stream is. Johnny Goodboy. Johnny Goodboy shows up and he's like, hey, you know, John John Travolta is just gonna screw you over when this is all said and done He's like no, he would never oh fuck No, you're right. He know I was watching the movie the whole time. He's been double crushing me Constantly for is to view join our side the movie will be over. Yeah, right right. I mean So yeah, and he's like, I have actually the video that

John Travolta got earlier of him admitting that the plan was really his. He's like, I've got that video right here and I'll give it to you if you join our side. And he's like, you'll give it to me because I'm going to shoot you. And he's like, actually, we're going to play a complicated game of keep away. And he's like, fuck. Fuck, there is no defense against keep away. I didn't think of handing it to someone. Damn it.

Damn it. So he's like, I'll give it to you, but you have to let all the humans go and take the next thing off of my girlfriend. And he's like, well, that would diffuse all the tension in the film. He's like, meh. All right. Leverage mother fucker. Right.

Don't worry, our domes not even going to be a dome're not gonna over think you're good so later that evening we get turvoldo he comes in on widaquate like watching the security footage watching the video that he's not supposed to have you know like kind of like you know showin off he's got his fucking kerbango you know it's not going to be a giant straw yeah it's just the drunk person with the straw like hitting it in your eyeball. He doesn't care.

Chasing it with his tongue. Yeah. Help. Eat Mary's like. So he's like, Cherries off of it. He's like, I should just kill you for this, for your impudence or whatever. And for us, what do you curse? Like, you can't kill me. I made a copy of this and I gave it to somebody that we both know. And he's like, Oh, the only

other character that we both know is the fucking bartender and force Whitaker's like, fuck. And here is his head. It's so tough. So, but literally that is what happens. So let me tell you, let me walk you through what John Travolta's day was like. Because he didn't come in with a bag. That's a weird day. So he went and he was like, hey bartender, come here a second. What? Cut his head off, put it inside his fucking tube.

Sorry, carry it home. Right, carry it in the way. Everyone was like, what's that? He was like, nothing. Put it in the tube. Then left his apartment and was like, boom, boom, boom. Oh, pfff, pfff. Oh, hello for us, winner girl.

I love you. I see you're here. Hey, do you mind sitting in that chair over there? I would prefer to sit in this chair. I really need to get to the chair. Do you need me to sit over there for something? Bartender head. Ah.

What if he hadn't double crossed him? Right. He would have had to improvise and been like, oh, you're loyal. Well, as a a gift it smells weird here I got you what did you get me you had it ready bartender head thank you fun puppeteering opportunities yeah so it's hard to pick it up so John Travoltaid it shoots his hand off inventions I actually I think that's just Boris Whitaker said,

I'm not wearing this fucking glove anymore. Yeah, exactly. So he looks mildly annoyed. So the guards come in that morning, they find that all the humans have escaped in the night, right? So they're looking for the humans. Johnny and his operatives are now at the landing zone trying to enact the big plan. We're getting into the big act three action sequence now.

You can tell because the only good guy of color gets shot at this point and killed. Rough. He's like, none of you should have dreadlocks I'm dead. Yeah. This is proud man. And apparently part of the plan here is for the humans that have escaped to, instead of like leaving, run around breaking windows and just causing trouble in general. Antifa?

Yeah. So they're breaking the windows. The bad guys are coming for Johnny. Johnny runs towards him. He uses the old, I'm gonna run at you in slow motion. You're gonna miss because I have plot armor technique. Yeah. It's so long, it's like a good, I'm gonna say, you in slow motion. You're gonna miss because I have plot armor technique. Yeah. It's so long. It's like a good, I'm gonna say four minutes of this forever.

This slow-mo shot, it was just bad guys miss. Four minutes, like the Bugs Bunny slow-pitch. Yes, it strikes out. Yes. Like, 27 hours worth of people. Yeah. It's the perfect game. Flashcut to Stormtroopers watching the movie.

Those guys fucking suck. Right. Right. Name your fucking gun. So then, then we cut to... We're gonna cut to... We're gonna cut to the screen crawl. Then we cut to, I shit you not, two hairier jets.

Fee. Hiding. Shhh. Come. Be very, very quiet. Yeah. Buh. Buh. They're floating, hiding inside a bombed out building, waiting for the bad guys to come by so they can slide in behind them.

They might as well be reading a newspaper, like so silly. Yeah, I was worried about those jets, but they were whistling loudly as we came by. So I think we're okay. Now, and I have to say, it is very difficult to make hairier jet versus spaceships over a ruined city boring, but this movie is up to the fucking channel. So they start biting a bit the hairier jet, the runs out of missiles we know because the button that says no more is supposed. I feel like you have a shorter term for that, right? So the pilot doesn't have to read.

No, Joe. So you know Craig, we are currently out of missiles so long this particular jet plane. So continue. So if you want more jet plane missiles, you're gonna, I'm not Craig, I traded to it. All right, but no, I get it. I get it.

Why would they have, there's six missiles. What, you couldn't just, I'm, okay, yeah, right. Like an on air, sir. And then the guy he crashes, he's like, oh, I don't have any more missiles, I'll just crash my plane into the space. He jumps out like GI Joe cartoon style though.

Oh, it's the, he rams. He rams the bad guy with his jet from behind. Anybody does like a tuck and roll out of the jet. Yes, exactly. He's just in time. So he somehow under a desk. He's fine. So, meanwhile, suicide Frank is going to teleporter away.

Johnny has to break in and run the teleporter computers in order for this to work, right? So he's almost done it, but just as he's about to hit the make it happen button, John Travolta comes in and he shuts it down. Right? Right? The tension is so thick.

He might as well enter the scene with the movies not over yet. Right. I cut off that, guys, it's in a different... Come to another room with that. I thought you were gonna... Triple cross me. This elsewhere. Just sit there.

So then they blow the dome, right? They blow the... They have the big explosion. The dome doesn't quite explode though. It cracks, but it doesn't fall. And we know this. Because random people in the crowd yell out, I shit you not. It's cracking, but it's not falling.

You know how what was missing from Independence Day was that guy being like honey I'm home and then being like did not quite do it Nuts I Love it was it was they were kind of it was like this dome is very well built it was like the the guy trying to rip the anti-fussine And be like it's really hard to get it started to rip it. Broom! It hurts my hand on the side, I cut it. Not enough action movies have the stakes of,

that means a nooch. Yeah, well, right. And then, but it actually needs a double nooch, right? Because Carlo, remember Carlo? Right, yeah. Right, so Carlo, who we care deeply about, is like, I will sacrifice myself and run into the dome. So he runs into the dome.

Still nothing happens. I wanted him to be dead so bad he wasn't. But it turns out that the airplane he was in is filled with explosives and he just noticed that. Seems like the kind of thing you'd check for. And so he shoots, he has to shoot the explosives, but this movie is so poorly blocked that they're on the wrong side of him.

Yeah. So he has to do it like an awkward, croak-in-hole shot. And he's gonna be like, okay, lean. All right, one thing she gets to say so. I need to just gotta be heathen get into his Ryanair seat. And then shoot a bazooka, the other backway.

Fuck, I have a cramp, cramp, boy, didn't I buy the more space seats? So while he's trying to do that, we cut down to where the humans are. Chrissy is leading the human rebellion because she's the only other named character. And we get this random guy in the back, are the humans are losing now, right? Because the dome hasn't fallen there at the lowest point.

And there's this guy in the background that shouts out, they're killing us! Oh! Ah! Ah! Who are you talking to, bro? I wanted one of the other humans to be like, we know Alan!

Fuck! I know the one of the other humans to be like, we know Alan. Fuck. I know the one for the way. Sorry, what were you guys talking about? What if he said, Alan just said they're killing us. Who's killing us? The aliens, the bad guys in our movie. Yeah. We're losing.

Fuck. I know, right? And then we're losing speed. The movie. And then another guy goes, we're not gonna make it. It's like, well, not negative Nancy over here is not gonna make it.

I want one power of positive thinking human to be like, maybe we will. Yes. I'm doing okay in late stage capitalism. You got a manifest man. So just then, Carlo blows up his spaceship, and now the domes really cracking, and all the humans are like, you know what, that shit's gonna fall on us.

We have not thought this shit through at all. That shit's gonna fall on us. That shit is falling on us. So, ow, ow! So to be clear, I'm in the movie. The humans plan was we blow up the sky above an entire city, and then we hustle on down under ground. Yes!

So we get all this, we get this long sequence of like the glass from the dome is falling, and they don't have glass, they can't even get big pains or sugar less. So what they've done is they're dropping big blocks of ice. But not large sheets of ice. For some fucking stupid reason, they have its stat sideways, like books on shelves, and they're just dropping these books of ice next to people. And we're like, what are you even going for? It's an anger.

It looks like a controlled demolition is what it looks like. Oh, right. Oh. 1,000 year old jet fuel doesn't burn that. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Impossible. I love it at this point. The buildings are falling down left and right, but only on the bad guys. The buildings know who the bad guy is. And just then no Jewish people in this scene weird weird except for a swedicar. So, but just then, John Travoltoid, he activates the teleporter array so they can send more bad guys. But apparently the teleporter array is too way, right? Because this guy with the nuclear bomb has just been standing on the teleporter, like trying not to get noticed, like this, for the like the last 20 minutes during the fight. So now they turn on the teleporter.

They teleport the bad guys to earth, but at the same time they accidentally teleport him to plan it cyclo, right? John Travolta gets stabbed in the neck with the god stone. He still got that. And then oh, and this is the point where he like, he's, because he's still got the neck explosive that was around his girlfriend that was around Chris and earlier and as they're fighting he's like surreptitiously attaching it to John Travolta. It's a giant metal collar.

Yes. And he's like struggle, struggle quick. I bet you can't blow up my girlfriend's neck from there. You know you said that remote works from anywhere in the planet. I'm not sure I believe you. So yeah. He's like, oh thank you for reminding me and he pulls out his little control or any blows his own arm off. And for some reason they've decided that like when the aliens get one of their limbs blown off, they're just mildly inconvenienced, my aunt. Right, because him and force Whitaker, both,

they're just like, well, that's gonna be a whole fucking thing now, as you can see. It's like when you get your pants wet while you're washing your hands, you're like, oh man. And I'm gonna think I'd eat my soup. Loaf my arms. Sorry. Which is great if you pee yourself all the time, by the way.

What if I blow off all of my arms stupid? So, but let's not... You know when you pee your entire... Nothing. So, so but anyway, so suicide guy has been teleported now to the Cyclow Homeworld. So he explodes an entire planet and kills off all the living things on it. Hooray!

Oh, heroic xenicide. Yay, for the good guy. Yeah. Just like Xenu, the overlord of the galactic confederacy, it's actually called the galactic confederacy. It is. Yeah, he did that to the Confederacy. Yep, it is. It is. Yeah, he did that to the Volcano Demons. Yep, yep.

And now he's gonna have a wire cage in a secret location. And the purines? Maybe. Maybe. You don't know, you need to respect our sincerely held religious beliefs. Yeah, and if you wanna know for sure if it was the purines, it's just gonna cost you 200,000,000 over a period of six years. So, yes, so we cut back to the ruined dome. The sun rises over our triumphant humanity.

The hairier jets are flying away in formation. Like it's a goddamn hair show. Which means there was a dope moment where the cave people were like, and then assuming it all goes well, I found this tape from a Blue Angel Sky show. I feel like we could do this, right? I was thinking maybe we could do a little like, you know.

Who'd do the flying V? We could do the flying V. I think we've got that. So, Chrissy Slow motionly runs at Johnny, the world is saved. And then we head back, we're going to wrap the movie up at Fort Knox, where they have locked up to Votoid because apparently the only lockable thing, or the nearest lockable thing, to Denver, Colorado, was Fort Knox. They're at the Hudson News with John Travoltar. Did you guys really pay $29 for a neck pillow? That's what you can say.

I'm glad we killed you all into going for your plan. A $29 for a neck pillow is rich. Just kidding. So, so they're like, we've got you locked up here. Now we have the leverage. Remember leverage was a big part of it. Yeah, leverage. And just then for us, Whittacoy walks in.

And Johnny's like, haha, or John Travolta's like, haha, my sidekick is here and will now destroy you. And he goes, no, I'm on their side now. And he's like, really? I'm not even a Scientologist anymore, asshole. So he goes, he goes, John Travolta says, and I quote, what kind of crap-lousy game are you playing?

So did you say crap-lousy game are you playing? Sorry, did you say crap-lousy? Crap-lousy. To taunt me, you said crap-lousy. It's like being in a fight with a Mormon. Is that... Are you trying to get this movie on TNT like right away? Yeah. Yeah.

It's not going anywhere else. Except maybe this part. Yeah, right, right. This stupid ass movie thought it was going to get a sequel. Right, that was the last note in my fucking thing. Like this stupid ass movie thought it would go, well no, actually the last thing I might notice was, next stop on Amazon was Interstellar Fuck Amazon for associating those two movies.

Hey, I'm Amazon, I hear you those two movies. Hey, I'm Amazon. I hear you like space movies. This one's got Matthew McConaughey. I can't get a space movie for you. You guys like Matthew McConaughey. So, for a magic mic. Alright, alright, alright. Alright, so, but to close things out,

I want to stick with this sequel. So, I have to point out originally, this movie only covers the first half of the book, Battlefield Earth. And from when I was told by a listener. That's why I didn't work. Right, exactly. You needed a whole movie.

Yeah. But the plan was to make a sequel out of the second half of it. Now, from when I was told by a listener who read the fucking book, is that the other half of the book is just about politics and shit of like how they rebuild society. It is It's pretty anti-Semitic. I will oh really you ready? Oh, you're this is the guy who read fucking Atlas shrugged. I did read Atlas shrugs for spite. I did it.

And the Bible and the Book of Mormon and the Quran. And still he's like, battlefield earth, what are you fucking kidding? I have taste. I've had some David Aikh tree, thank you. Thank you. In fact, yeah. The sequel is a lot like.

I got you. Oh really? Yeah. Sorry. So now, obviously, given the dismal performance of this movie, the sequel never happened, but John Travolta really wants it to happen. He still wants it to happen,

and I want it to happen. So, if and when it does, what do you think the tagline for Battlefield 2 should be? Battlefield 2, Zenophobia. battlefield earth two should be a battlefield earth two Zenu phobia ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I believe the plot is about more aliens attack Earth. So they succeed. They beat the Cyclose. The second part is more aliens attack Earth. Are they the Hebrews or somethings?

Don't see, you shouldn't make jokes. Because it's impossible. You can't satirize fucking Scientology. Yes. The bad, the bad aliens. The next one are like international, intergalactic bankers. Oh God. Globalist bankers.

JK Rowling is going, that's a little much y'all. Sure is. There's kids. There's land and they're adjusting the AC. It's a little woman here. Just sit. Hey. All right, so tagline battlefield earth fucking two,

the protocols of the elders of Zion College. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Amazing. All right, well, I'll tell you what, before we wrap things up,

I want to have a I have to offer up a quick thanks to Morgan Clark for helping out on Sound Back there. Absolutely. The one and only claw. I need to thank Tim Robertson, who's out here, he's been helping out, he's somewhere over here. He's been helping out a ton, he helped us find the location, he's been a indispensable part of everything. I want to thank Ann B.J. Jackson, Freddie, all the folks at Garden Theater have made this such a success force.

It's been a great night. I need to... Especially the person who loved this movie. Yeah, there's one guy who really likes this movie and is very upset. Hi, Freddie. I want to thank Lucinda for taking care of the merch table. I want to thank Anna for that and for all the music that she's done. And of course, most of all, I want to thank all of you for coming out tonight. Thank you so much for making this such a great night for us. And on that note, we'll

leave you with a breakfast club close. Terrell, aka Contravolta, he had a name, whatever. He went on to sign a one billion-year contract to be an indentured servant on a sincerely held pirate ship. Yep, yep. Because that's a real thing in Scientology to this day, I believe. Scientology went on to sue us, probably. Oh, oh!

Ah-ha! Probably. Ha ha ha! John Travolta would go on to act out way, Dumber Works of El Ron Hubbard. Yes. Ha ha ha! And let me close with three works that I've really honestly wanted to say my whole life. Thank you Detroit! The preceding bycass was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstrum LLC copyright 2023 all rights reserved.

The preceding bycast was a production of Puzzle and a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2023 all rights reserved.