God Awful Movies - 415: Born Into Mafia

Episode Date: August 1, 2023

We watched Born Into Mafia, along with DOCTOR Cara Santa Maria! --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

When I was picturing shoving this dude's sloooong into my 2x4, I made sure he is the corner house. I run dang unhoused Russian dude is hot. Okay. He's hot, you got to go back, go back you'll see. Interesting. Like to support him with my social safety net. Do you know what I mean? I'd give him more than a dollar if you'd like.

I literally wrote that. Oh my god. I didn't write that. I just noticed that. Yes, belong on our shelter. Not awful. Movie. Movie.

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you do two heath but actually enjoys watching these God awful movies. Yeah. This was the first time that I was like, I think I get it. It's a great example. This was truly Stockholm, Sidrome kicking in, enjoyable to watch. Just it's insanity. Every second was wonderful. By the way, I just have to point this out. I don't usually do this, but on our Patreon, Kara, someone cut together all the greetings you have ever done for being on our show and titled it the destruction of Cara Santa Maria. And it is the best short story. I don't know if you can send it to, we'll

put it on the main feed some more people. Okay. And this last one, the caper of just like, no, I do not welcome back. I'm not here. Maybe I'm not sure. All right, let's get right into it, Cara. What amazing fucking movie are we going to be breaking down today? Well, we watched a film called Born into Mafia. It's the story of, I have no idea what we just want. Yeah, that's good. I know. It has a story, I think.

It's not clear. It's a story of a man who was born into the mafia, I think. Yeah. Right. Well, maybe not the mafia. They don't use an article in the title, so it's not clear. That's right. A mafia.

We don't know. It's the rest of the mafia. We're going to learn one of them. One of them. Yeah. Yeah. One of them. Yeah.

In definite. Okay. And Eli, how bad was born into mafia? Well, if you love the last vampire, but the white hot acting talent of its stars left you unsure of what people were thinking and feeling. Yeah. Well, love this movie. Okay. This was before or after the last vampire and earth. Right before. This is before. Okay, so last vampire and earth was like, once the skills had been refined in our movie making.

Obviously, he really found his uvra. Wait, so I haven't seen last vampire. Is this because this has a very distinct the room flavor for me. And like even your impression at the top could have been what's his name Tommy Wiseau. Yeah, you sounded exactly like Tommy Wiseau. Not like, I don't know what, who these, yeah.

Okay. This movie is, yeah, it's got, it's like Tommy Wiseau meets Neil Breene, which is like, I don't know, like some kind of cosmic event for God awful movies in some sense. Yeah. Yeah. It shows just how far the whole has down to go when we explore the bad movie genre, right? When I tell casual people, like, oh, I review bad movies, they're like, the room. And I'm

like, you have no idea what I keep. The room is a gentle wind across your parched throat compared with some of the movies we have watched. They don't know. They don't know. Yeah. All right. Is there anything you'd like to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah, I'd say best worst Russian, just that best worst Russian. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Yeah. I don't need to add anything. Fair. I was going to go with best worst profile pick for the writer slash producer slash director slash star of the movie, Vitaly Versace. I think that's a fake last name, but he, you know, you don't think his given name is that of a lazily named porn star. I don't think

it is. I don't think it is. It's something else, but his profile pick for all his social media is him holding an Emmy award, wearing a tuxedo. Very clearly excited about the Emmy award that he won. He has never won an Emmy. Nope, he got one from somewhere and he put on a tuxedo and he's assuming he snatched out of Keras purse while she's very busy in the other direction. Yeah.

And he stood in front of a sign for the National Academy of Television Arts and Sciences, the Lower Great Lakes Chapter. And I guess he was at the worst ceremony for that somehow. So he thought I did a little sleuthing and it's actually significantly sadder than what you're picturing. Really? No. Because if you visit the Great Lakes Center for the National Academy of Television,

Arts and Sciences, they have a step-and-repeat where you can take a picture. Amazing. With an Emmy and he can be interested in just... You know? And he got a picture of me. And he got a picture of himself. In preparation for his eventual Emmy win, but not with all. But I don't even he's a filmmaker.

Yep. Yeah. No, not in a war when he does it. No, Karen. But the Emmy's are for the for television. This movie has a guest star in the opening credits. He does it. No, that's true. That's true.

That's true. Okay. It's on antflix. That's technically television, right? Antflix, yeah. What is that? Do we get a guy named Anton who is like Anton Netflix. Antflix, now that.

Nailed it. 100% Portamento. Of course, I'm going to take the easy one. I'm going to go with best worst thought bubbles. Cheating. Cheating. Yep. They're too good. We'll talk about it when we get to it. We'll talk about it when we get to it. Okay. Well, I think we're going to take quick break. And then we'll be back to tell you

all about born into mafia. Okay, everybody. First of all, welcome to my big sexy American movie, writing party. Go ahead and take off all your shirts, right? Let's real world, roll roads challenge it up here. Right? Absolutely not going to happen. Okay, but when the babs get here, you guys are not going to be ready for the sauna. I have so many questions. I am a woman. Oh, you know what I mean, Dorina talking about babes, you know, the kind of where candle store perfume, you know, real ladies. Candlestore perfume? Okay, to business. The good news is I already wrote a super awesome script. So, judging Rams of Ving. Right. So, did you want us to take a look? Yeah, maybe correct some of the grammar and yeah, good idea. No need grandma speed. My English is amazing. I study only the best Elon Musk tweets and Etsy store listings to learn it. I have the best English in my village.

Okay, sorry, where are you from? Check on notch at babygest incline producer in the world, my friend. I feel insane right now. Yeah, but that is the words. Okay, so script is done. We should move in next week. As soon as my sex hit beautiful ledger friend finishes the music parts. And the meantime, we'd lunch it real good. You guys want some Bologovras?

Or those dumplings filled with hummus? Yeah, but it's a meat dessert. So no. Yeah, no. Oh, other question. When you eat caviar, are you supposed to like swallow it or do you just like spit it out after you taste it like you do with boba? Mm-hmm.

Hey, guys, what you doing? Oh, hey, I was just asking care about famous people stuff. She is such a good listener. Really? Carrot, he doesn't get annoying. Sorry, what? I said, doesn't Eli get annoying? Oh no, I've been blocking him out

with my wireless earbuds from Raycon. Oh, what are wireless earbuds from Raycon? Well, Raycon's are the best way to listen to whatever you've got in your headphones this summer. Raycon's have a 32 hour battery life, including eight hours of playtime, so you can listen to what you want when you want for a really long time. Plus, they come with custom gel tips for the most comfortable in ear fit. Wow, that sounds amazing, but that sounds super expensive, too.

Yeah, you guys know what else is expensive? Lulu Lemon, right? Okay. Thank you. Eli, actually, Raycon wireless earbuds started half the price of other premium audio brands, but they sound just as good. And Raycon's come with a 30-day happiness guarantee,

so you can't really lose. It's true. Raycon sent us a pair to try when they became a sponsor, and they were so good that my wife stole them. And then she lost them. So we bought a pair. Create your own soundtrack with Raycon. Right now, God awful movies listeners can get 15% off their Raycon order at buyraycon.com slash Gam. That's buyraycon.com slash Gam to say 15% on Raycon's buyraycon.com slash Gam. and we're back. We're going to start with the, I think intro to a reality show about, like, low level criminals in a house together on the beach. And we're going to start with the intro to a reality show about, like, low level criminals in a house together on the beach.

And we're going to start with the intro to a reality show about, like, low-level criminals in a house together on the beach and a fun theme song. So Balkan Shore maybe. Yeah. Okay. And then they finally do the actual movie after a while with that intro, starting at the Olive Garden, which was lovely in Moscow with a live singer at the Olive Garden. It was very confusing.

Well, it's not supposed to be an Olive Garden. Let's be very clear. We see the sign. No, that's the thing. I must have blinked at the beginning because you guys talk about it being Olive Garden. And I'm like, yeah, it's probably Olive Garden, but whatever that's funny. But then later, when they go back, they do an establishing shot of the sign of the Olive Garden. Of the full sign centered in this one, they just have like a little bit of it.

And I was like, that's the Olive Garden. That's the Holy God. Yeah, it's because this is supposed to be in Russia. So they're like, Oh, man, we are in LA, California, the land of movie lights. But we need a restaurant. Wait a second. My uncle owns an Olive Garden. We can just show the bottom half of the sign. And they'll think it's a muskov a restaurant. Wait a second, my uncle owns an Olive Garden. We could just show the bottom half of the sign and they'll think it's a muskovian restaurant. That's name is

Garden in English. 100% exactly what happened. This is in Jacksonville, Florida. And this guy, Vitaly Versace, clearly like went up to an Olive Garden like regional manager during like a shit and was like, I want by tomorrow day and he was like, fuck, I don't okay. He had to like call his boss and figure it out. Somehow they got it though. But then they did like weird set dressing in the Olive Garden because every Olive Garden I've been to didn't have like wedding chairs. Did you notice that everybody's sitting on wedding chairs? The tally very clearly got in there and he was like, Oh man, this olive garden looks like olive garden. And man, you have like 74 tablecloths.

I can drape over every possible service so that people will think it is a funeral for ghosts by a ghost. And the manager was like, sure man, okay. Yeah. He's going to do this voice the whole fucking. Because I'm giving people behind the scenes view of what happened Kara they need to know Our lives, but to be fair just so everybody knows he does not This is what he sounds like it's pretty accurate

It's the last voice I'm allowed to do Kara Correctness is taken all my other voices away Amazing you should have been Carson No, okay, she's better time Okay, so back to the movie. There's a We'll see her lady. And she's singing lady played by Vitaly Versace's real-life girlfriend who also wrote all the music for this movie. No, co-wrote the screenplay. Yeah, that's right. No, okay. And there's writing maybe okay, they co-wrote it together. Fine. So two bad guys from the mob, from A-Mofia show up and they're looking for somebody under

the tables, apparently. Oh, yeah, they're checking the room to make sure there are no assassins present. And everyone knows that the first place you look for assassins is crouching under the table. Under the table. Got it. Okay, So they were doing like secret service. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Yeah. Check. And this is our first thought bubble of the movie. We're reference this at the very beginning. So a guy thinks the words bring him in in Russian. And we see that because

he's got a cartoon thought bubble next to his head. And apparently the other actor can see that thought bubble because he then brings in the big boss guy. Okay. Yeah, I was confused at this point as to what language the film was supposed to be in. So is the movie. It did say we were in Moscow, right? Like it said that.

But then like sometimes the thought bubbles were, what is it? Like Cyrillic and sometimes they were in English. And then all of the subtitles like never matched. But that's pretty common, I guess. Never matched the script. Yeah, no, whoever took over doing the subtitling and YouTube was like, I'm gonna fix this goddamn thing.

One word at a time. And yeah, the closed captioning and the thought bubbles get into fights with each other. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did.

They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did.

They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. guy, he's the big boss, I guess, of the Russian mob just in general. There's one and this is the guy. And he happens to be American for some reason.

Yes. So this is very important that we discuss this dynamic. The guy who plays the Russian mob boss is American and speaks American English. His son, who will show up on materially is Russian and speaks English as well as I speak Russian. Which didn't stop him from writing the movie. It's so confusing. Like why so yeah, the dad is like a cross between pre hair plug Michael Scott and Michael Cohen. Like he very much is an amalgamation of those two people. Yeah. Like if Michael Scott ate Criatine instead of of fetichine Alfredo to both up for the big

race. Yeah. And he sounds like Carl the Pug of Pegacorn and then his son is just broken English Russian. Yeah. He's like, he's like new Jersey Russian or something. He's like, yeah, I'm a mob boss. Right. So, so the sun shows up.

Dad's sitting down. He's kind of flirting with the singer who we find out is his girlfriend in the movie too. Sun shows up and I know it's the sun because the line here is, hi, son, you're here. Confirmed by the sun saying, I said, I will be here. Yep. Exactly. This is the opening lines and the opening, I spoke in lines of this movie. I wrote in my notes dialogue as written by ChatGPT, running on a zoom. Oh, this whole movie was like an AI wrote the whole movie. Like, have you ever seen those like that pizza commercial that is exactly yes,

that's the whole movie. This is what Michael Eisner has running in his office right now being like, how much worse can this be than the last daredevil movie? Come on. So what we're learning here is that dad wants the son to take over the family business. Dad is Alex. Son is Ivan. And he wants the kid to take over, but the kid doesn't really want to be in the mafia. And so dad is sending Ivan to the best psychologist

in Moscow to get him okay with the idea of being the head of a murder empire, I guess. Yes, and when he proposes that, this is the exact dialogue. I won't do it. Yes, you are. Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

Yep, that's the exact words exchanged. I don't have any problems. Why would I need a shrink? I love that the dad literally says, I'm going to send you to the best psychologist exactly like you said at Heath in Moscow. I'm pretty sure they don't pronounce it Moscow in Moscow. Yeah, probably not. they don't pronounce it Moscow in Moscow. Yeah, probably not. Probably not. Yeah. Either way, I was looking forward to watching talk therapy in like the ninth language of everyone involved. And we actually do get a little bit of that first second. We do. Oh my god. This therapy session. Yeah. So I have a lot to say. Speaking of which, from there, we cut to a house in a suburb of Moscow called Jacksonville, Florida.

Again, this is where the best psychologist in Moscow has her practice at this fancy house. It's oh my god, you googled it. I guess I did. I did. I so they show us a street sign and I just like Google that. And then on Zillow, it showed me this exact house. And it's sold for a half million dollars two months ago, actually, in Jacksonville. Yeah. Is that like an amity fill house thing? Like, well, okay, look, if you were scared by haunted houses, wait till you see what kind

of movie was shot in this film. That's just Florida. Yeah. That's just, this is Jackson, Florida. To remember, we go inside and we see their talk therapy session. That's just, yeah, this is Jackson Florida to remember. We go inside and we see their talk therapy session. The doctor has a framed poster for the movie training day on her. It's the universe. That's a normal thing. Right. Kara, what do you have on your wall in terms of framed movie posters when you're doing? I assume it's a Joker.

Is it the Joker? Yeah, everything about this therapy session is a hundred percent accurate. I mean, oh, is it? Okay. Yeah, she literally like tells him within one minute of sitting down that he needs to trust her and he should open up. Yeah, she also says that you believe in God and that stupid. A Christian movie check.

Yeah, I was going to say how is this a God off of it? Then I was like, oh, yeah, he says I believe in God twice. So made it a Christian movie. Exactly. Also, he's like, I don't want to kill people. I don't want to join the family business. And so she gets up from her seat and really close sits next to him. Is that not normal? Very close. Karen, do you do that? Do you ever wander over to their side of the couch for a little side hug action when someone, it is someone needs a breakthrough a breakthrough so awkward and this was not a breakthrough. This was in the first 30 seconds of their session. And and then I believe she took us a victory sip from her giant fucking mug. The size of a cauldron. It was crazy. It's so good. She lifts it. She takes

a sip and it blocks out her whole head like any clip. Yep. And then he explains that he's going to move to the United States. Oh, right. There's plot there. All the plot happens in like the in five minutes of this movie. Yeah, exactly. Right.

So that's the plot. He's running away to the US to get out of the mafia. And we cut to the Jacksonville public library of Moscow because he hasn't gone yet. He's supposed to still be in Russia. But he's in an all English library for people who like might want to leave Russia and learn English stuff. I guess you know where the Russian gangsters hang out in the children's book section of their nearest public library potential exp their nearest public library. Potential ex-pat English public library. Right. Every site, they felt the need.

They were like, let's get a wide shot. Make sure you get every English sign you possibly can. So we can make sure the audience knows this is Moscow. Look, I know we have a lot of librarians in our audience. I know that because I've spoken against them once or twice and I've felt they're wrath. But the librarian that this guy walked up to and he was like, Hey, I love it here because I learned all my favorite books. Can you think I can shoot my super cool movie

here? And she was like, how long do you need it for? And he was like four and a half seconds that she was like, so yeah, absolutely. You can shoot this world shatteringly bad movie in this public library. Oh, this is where he meets his friend, Sergey, friend forever man. Forever man, friends forever man. BFF surge is his full name, I think, as he was introduced here. And surge helps him find a book about the USA or whatever. And we also get an idea, bubble from the Nat Geo magazine behind them on the rack. The Nat Geo says to itself USA.

Yep. I think maybe it was starting up the chant of like USA USA. No, he went with them. Something unclear. No one could read the magazine's mind unclear why the magazine thinks the word USA. Okay. He also tells him here that he met a super cool kid online and that he's going to go live with him.

If his mom says it's okay. Yeah, Jacob, Jacob from online said he could have a sleepover. Yeah, exactly. Terrifying. In America. We're going to meet Jacob and it's just, it's a grown up, but like don't say kid then. Everyone's a grown up. Everyone in this movie is 37 years old.

It's still insane to meet a grown up online and have his mom say it's okay to stay with him when you show up in Los Angeles for no reason. Everything's insane. So leaves the library and then he apparently gets in the back of the limo with dad and has a little mafia HR meeting. Dad's kind of mad at him for not killing the target that Ivan was supposed to kill that he got assigned to kill, I guess. This is where it becomes quite apparent that there is no script. No. They are just talking.

And he's always trying to think of what to say next. And I think he's doing that thing that sometimes you have to do when you're, when English is your second language where he says it in his head in Russian and then translates it to English and then says it out loud in English because every line he says in the back of this car, there's like weird pots and delays that make no sense. Descript is as if a Swedish IKEA manual happening for English. And the dad who speaks English is constantly correcting his lines through his own lines, right? So he'll be like, because of your business, mom is dead died. And he'll be like, yes, your mom is dead. Eyes wide. But you have to understand,

no, dad, don't tell me, you You know I founded Jesus two years ago, and now I'm going to church every day. Can I read my favorite quote? I'll try and do it in your ridiculous no-ho, Hank accent. Okay, here we go. I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask for you. I didn't ask for mom.

I didn't ask for this. So I'm your son and it's just crazy. It just happened this. You know, my mom died because of this shit and the rest of the stuff. You know, I can't deal with this. You know, that's the level. Like that is a verb, bait, um, scene from this movie. My note at that point is I could place a minotaur within that labyrinth of a sentence. Absolutely. And look, the close captioning is trying so hard and they're just like, ah, fuck it by

the end. I think that's what it said on my close captioning, but yeah, absolutely. If I can quote my favorite line from this scene, it's, and Bible and God said, don't kill. I'm not going to kill anybody for money. For everybody. Oh, and then there's this weird exposition about the brother. Like your brother is horrible.

Oh, it's the dad, the dad's brother. Your uncle is horrible. He's terrible. Yes, I do not trust him. He is shady and you're like, why are they having this conversation? Yeah, when he says that, the son replies, hopefully nobody's going to find me where I'm happy. And then he decides to fully quit the mafia and literally is like, no, I mean, like,

right now I need to get out of the car. You need to stop the car and just let me out. And I'm gonna walk to the airport. He says, I'm gonna walk from here and I wrote my notes to America. But apparently yes. And this is when dad calls Tom LA in his phone. He knows somebody named Tom, who looks like Los Angeles, I guess. And he's telling a henchman to like look after my kid Ivan when he shows up in LA tomorrow. Exactly. So then we cut to

a fitness center. Also American. Yeah. It's the fitness center at the Avenue Royale apartment in Jacksonville. I know that. Yeah. And the actor playing Sergey, he has been murdered. Oh my God. This was jarring. Okay, but here's the thing. This might be jarring if the actor who played Sergey hadn't only agreed to be in this movie. If when he got hanged, he got to stick his tongue out like a cartoon. He does. Because he will spend this entire scene dead with his tongue being like, okay, I will say though, according to my sources, that is what happens if you get hanged. Right.

But we don't show it in the movie for very obvious reason. I think your tongue hangs out of your mouth. I don't think that you stick your tongue out of your mouth like like a baby. Like it's like a weird baby doll face that the guys made. It's absolutely insane. And even if it was scientifically accurate, it definitely shouldn't be in the movie. And also by the way, he's like, Serge, no, no, take some down, like shake some a little bit, cut to off to America. Yup, he's gone. There's nothing. It's enough warning. It's like, what? Yeah. So friend dad and he's like, all right, well, got to catch my flight. So he leaves. Oh, wait, there's a reason the friend died, right? We should

probably say that he had like a post it note on his chest. Yes. Yeah. It was just like a you're not going to America. So I murdered your friend. Home is Russia for you. Don't leave. And he's like, well, I'm leaving. This guy's already dead. And he still leaves. Yeah. Yeah. Then we see the airplane in the air. And the airplane has a thought, but in Russian. So not clear exactly what the airplane was thinking. In my head, it was just like, I'm fucking flying. This is so cool. So we see that for a second in a thought bubble. Oh, so.

And then we cut back to Mafia dad, and he is at the Olive Garden again. This time full signage. Yeah, and this is where that sketchy brother we talked about before shows up to take over his mom. And brother is also American. So now we've got angry American mobsters in Jacksonville, Florida, Moscow fighting over their son Ivan is what's happening. Reading a scene written by a Russian with the broken English, right?

So they're just yelling at each other in American accents like, who are you to say you are here? Hey, not now big guy. You think you're so tough. You are a tough guy. So Demetri is the brother who comes in, right? And he, yeah, speaks in what sounds like an American accent, but I think he's just like a really dumb person who's bad at talking. So it's like broken English, but his native language at the same time. I think I think you just agreed to read the script for beta. After the liberty's dad took

in the first couple of scenes. Vladimir Versace took him aside and he was like, Hey, man, I don't want to talk bad about Doug behind his back, but he is ruining my movie film script. I'm going to read the lines that's written on the page, you know, Christopher Walken, baby. He's like, okay, I'll read exactly what you wrote on the page. He reads it and then he kills his brother. He kills Alex, the Mafia Don, so he could take over the Mafia. Well, it's amazing because it's like a king of the hill system apparently, because the second he kills the brother, he turns to the guards who are obviously about to shoot him and he's

like, hey, hey, hey, I'm in charge. I have dibs. I have dibs. It's a tag system. And they're like, hey, hey, hey, hey, I'm in charge. I have dibs. I have dibs. It's a tag system. And they're like, ah, dibs, that was fast. That was fast, okay. Oh shit, he called dibs, okay, he's head of the mob now. I think it is dibs, I think it is dibs.

And these like shooting scenes, these death scenes are epic. The choreography, the believability, the way that they actually, like, the blood work. Yeah, the ketchup work. It's like, it's lovely. Yes, practical special effects. You know you miss it. Not since the days of John Carpenter have people been gently drenched in ketchup with such beauty and grace. And like almost every other scene where somebody dies, they die instantly. But in this one, Alex the dad just like blinks a lot in his chair.

Yeah, he does do a lot of blinking. This is a lot of blinking until he gets there. And breathing to be fair. And breathing. Yeah, he has a REM type of death. Yep, yep. And now we're going to meet Jacob V. Kid that Ivan met on the internet. He's a grown up.

He's a grown up. He's hang with his other friend who is a grown up. So Jacob's mom said it's cool for I have to live at their house. And they're going to now go to the airport to pick up this random Russian guy who was met on the internet. And Jacob's friend is like, that's fucking really weird. Like we're going to be in a sitcom or something, but fine, I'll go with you. And that's the scene.

And when he says that, Jacob gets a thought bubble that says integration, brother. Oh, okay. I have a theory on this. Please. I think it was the random person in the background because a Florida man just walks by in the background and sees Jacob who is a black person and other guy who is a white person. It was like integration, brother, Florida. Oh, nice. Interesting. Maybe, no.

Yeah, I just wrote what the fuck? Or to say, and what is happening in all caps? Okay, well, they're not allowed to talk about this sort of thing in Florida anymore. I also wrote what guys I'm willing to stop this podcast for as long as we need to figure out what that thought bubble was doing in the movie. So yeah, I'm with you, Cara. I'm with you.

Right. And at this point, we've had a few thought bubbles, but it doesn't feel like we haven't gone full thought bubble yet. So I'm still like getting used to the thought bubbles at this point. Exactly. They they keep surprised. You're like, okay, maybe that was just a weird thing for the beginning. And they keep popping right back in again.

Right. Right. Okay. So you think the movie is pro racial integration integration and they wanted to tell us that there. I, here's what I think. I don't think it's the Florida man in the background. I think Jacob is supposed to be thinking yet. And I think what Versace Vilexy or whatever the fuck his name is is trying to get us to think is trying to show us that Jacob is like, it's all about integration. Man, but that Google translated seven times into his own language ended up as integration brother. Maybe. Yeah. I mean, Versace doesn't strike me like the actor, writer, director, producer of this film.

Doesn't strike me as having star any particular agenda, thoughts or? Oh, agenda, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Any particular cohesiveness to his ideas, but I don't think he's racist, right? He's pretty woke. Yeah, he seems kind of woke. I think it's a positive thing for him. He's like, and you know what guys?

There will be a black guy and the email him will be friends in the name of segregation. And they were like, it's not that. And he was like, don't worry, I'll look up the word ahead of time. Okay. I think you're right. He is gonna very much enjoy Russian DNA, like from a Eugenics perspective in a comment later. I just wanna plant the seed for that.

No, that's not, again, you're getting ahead of us, Keith. But that will happen pretty soon. It's not Russian. It's a different person thinks about Russian DNA. Okay. Well, well, when, when we circle back to this, we'll decide again, if an integration brother was a positive message. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Follow the fucking thought bubbles. He, okay. Yeah. So Ivan lands at LAX, Jacob and friend guy. Can we give friend guy just a random name? Anyone want to name him?

Let's call him, he's not gonna call him. Okay, let's just call him Alan. Can we call him Alan? The other guy? How Brian, can we call him Ryan? No, we're gonna call him Alan. So Jacob and Alan are there to pick up Ivan when he's gonna land.

He finally gets through the gates and the customs and whatever. And they see him and he has no luggage. And then Alan says, a Russian with no luggage, as if to say that's like an existing stereotype. Is that a stereotype? Are Russians known for extra luggage when they travel? Well, I said, I said,

what the fuck he doesn't have any luggage. Like that was weird to me too, but not because he's Russian. Not because he's Russian. Yeah, he's on an international flight moving to another country with zero luggage. But if this is a stereotype that I can pick up, as I mentioned at the beginning, I'm running out of my biases.

So if I can throw in some occasional Russians love luggage jokes, I'm not really to do it. Yeah. Okay. So they meet each other and then right after that, Tom, Tom LA, dad's henchman friend shows up to help Ivan with a car and some money, gives him his truck and a bunch of money. And he is red.

I wrote my notes. Hi, my name is Tom. Yes, I did fall asleep on a tanning bed. No, I do not want to talk about it. Cool, but was it just the front your face the fell in? Yep, and it was there for okay. I promise you this is exactly what happened this used car salesman was like, yes, I'm gonna be in Steve's kids movie. Yeah, the Russian guy. You know, I'm gonna be in his movie. It's like about mobsters or something and she was like, well, you should get a tan. You'll look great. He's like, I've never

tanned before. How long do I get in? And she was like 30 and he was like hours, got it. And that's why he looks like he's a stunt double for that veggie tails tomato. Also he, he had hair in the tanning bed. And then he has since shaved his entire hair. So it's all like the hair area. It's all white and bright red, which he, I think we can agree is a great look. It can be. It's a great look. It can be. Why also at this point does he, when he's like, Hey, I have a car for you with a trunk

full of money. Why does he have a thought bubble that says respect? Because he respects him. Respect, respect the, the Russian guy who is not rocking a lot of luggage to disfell the stereotype. One of the beautiful things about this movie is the use of the thought bubbles shows us as a movie audience. There were times when Vitaly Versace, auteur, was like, there's no way people will know how they feel about each other in this movie. I should just write respect on top of his head. And then everyone will lack no. Well, the thing that happens next is the most

infuriating part. And this movie has a lot of infuriating things in it. But this one drives me back shit. Okay. So they're at LAX Jacob and what did we decide his name is Alan he's Jacob and it's Alan You're making a choice right now, Cara just so you know the name that you say will say a lot about your favorite co-host That's all I'm gonna say right now Well, now it's not gonna be Alan or he's clearly. Yeah, exactly So Jacob and uncredited actor number three are Exactly. So Jacob and uncredited actor number three are hanging out. They drive to LAX to pick up Ivan. Tom shows up and is like, hi Ivan, dad said I'm supposed to take care of you. Here's a car with a trunk full of money. Ivan's like, I got wheels, so I'm going to take my car.

So then uncredited actor and Jacob were like, okay, we'll go with you. And they're like uncredited actor. Don't you want to drive your car home? And he's like, no, I'll just leave it. And I'm losing my shit because Junoah expensive it is to leave your car at the airport. Yeah. Like you're a band-a-air vehicle. Nobody would do that in the right mind. Nobody would be like, I'll just leave my car behind at LAX. Do you know how long it takes just to get into LAX? Yes. And but there's no doubt in my heart of hearts that Vitaly has done this multiple times. He's borrowed a car from a friend and been like,

anyways, I'm off to home. Hat, Jerry, just so you know, I abandoned your car somewhere in LAX. Good luck finding it friend. Okay, but it's like a 92-plimuth valiant or whatever it was. I think it's like, it's cheaper than like getting it towed somewhere. They just they'll take it. Keith, if I take you to LAX, can I convince you to abandon your car and buy a big one? Probably. Okay. Oh, he's, what do you drive? It's a, it's a very nice,

it's a 2005. It's newer than I said. And it's, it's a Subaru. It's an outback. Actually, it's got all wheel drive. So it's, it's a real card. Kill yourself to the wheels that grip. I don't know if you know about that technology, Cara. Pretty cool. Back to the movie. I don't think we need to answer every question that's posed for everybody. They drive away in the one car in Tom's car and they leave the city other car there. And then they have to they were told to improvise one second of driving. In the exact words we get our so drive.

Why driving driving stuff? Car to go fall. There are people in their man and exactly. There are people in there. Cut. Wait, that's an actual so drive. Yes. So drive like so loud like yes and so drive.

I started you go now and so drive, watch the stuff. There are people in their man and they cut. I love it so much. So good. All right. Well, I just had a thought bubble about doing some drugs to help me through this movie. We're going to take a quick break. Then we'll back with act two of born into mafia. Alright, man. So the assassin we're meeting is called the black mama. She's killed more men than you and I can count. She doesn't deal well with disrespect.

So watch your peas and cues. You got it boss. Right. Gentleman. Black mama. Hello. I assume your flight was alright. Ah, total nightmare.

I had my co-provenum in a perfume bottle. Sorry, just you co-proven? I feel like it would have been black mamba venom, right? Don't you use that because your name? I don't understand. To my co-provenum, it was in a perfume bottle. But when I got to security, the lady was like, you need to pour that out.

And I was like, it's under four ounces. And she said, yeah, but it's not in a plastic bag. And I said, okay, well, do you have a plastic bag? And she said, we're not allowed to give you plastic bags. You have to pour it out. So that's like my whole thing. There's not a reptile place around here. Is there? I don't know. Not really sure. Okay. And then I was like, well, that's fine. I still have that cobra in my luggage. Well, guess whose luggage didn't make it to Dallas. Mine. So now I got a wait for fucking United to find my luggage. Cobras probably dead now anyway. I haven't eaten anything but checks mix since 9 a.m. this morning and they didn't have the snack box I wanted on the flight.

Right. Oh, it's a whole thing. Okay, well, you're ready to kill this mob boss. I mean, I'll try. I hope he has a food allergy. What snack box did they have? The beef jerky one. Oh, I hate those.

Thank you. Who's ordering that one? I ordered that one. I like that one. Of course, you would smell stuff the whole plane. Yeah, exactly. What? Why don't you use mom bus? That's weird. You're weird. And we're back. When we left off, they were leaving the airport and now they're pulling up to Jacob's house. Actually, Jacob's mom's house, where Jacob lives at age 30. And his mom is also age 30. So a lot of confusion is going on.

Three years older than him. And what's amazing is, as we mentioned earlier, Jacob and his mom are African-American, but they have made them do all the Russian traditions when greeting guests. So she's like, I will make a support of tea. And he's like, yep, normal tea service that Californians always offer each other. Standard, yeah. She goes, she goes, welcome to America. Let's sit on this squeaky couch and stare at each other. The horror couch is the best. Okay.

So we get the noise of the couch for a while, which was of course hilarious. That's never not funny forever. It's the best. Also, we get mom, she sits down and she's like, all right, let's all sit down. She sits down. She's like, nope, I get up back to and I make tea. Fuck. And just to make me stand back up, goes to get tea and then we watch them waiting for

a while. Nobody says anything and we cut. That's the scene. Yep, we'll see. I feel like something terrible happened and they had to cut it. Somebody panicked and they were like, okay, nope. We're just gonna move on.

I guarantee you, Victor Victoria was like, Hey, guys, whoever's farting during my movie film, you need to stop it, okay? Get your boho glued shut like a normal America. All right. They cut away from that. And now we get a phone call. It's between Demetri and his guy in LA named Jake.

And Jake is reporting in. Jake is Demetri's henchman. Tom is dad's henchman. So now we have a Jake and a Jake in the movie. And I think, yeah, I think Vasili was just like those are different entirely. Yeah. And also like don't commit super hard to Jake being Dmitry's henchman because in a couple of minutes, he will not be Dmitry's henchman. So again, don't, don't put all your chips on that particular

square. Okay. It's not going to particularly matter, but it's, it's, it moves around a lot. Absolutely. Then we're back on the squeaky couch and they talk for 15 minutes about the weather. Approximately. If you, this is the conversation I imagine, if there was an orgy of people with nothing but premature ejaculation, right? Like four seconds later when it's all over, everyone's just like, wow, so is it like this in Russia? No, no, we get all the seasons in Russia. You're gonna list them. I am summer spring winter.

But like, it's so sad. But like, it's not just that they're okay. So, so they're talking about Russia and LA sort of and the weather and we get the pop-up that says cultural exchange. Cultural exchange, exactly. That's what's happening. But then what's happening in the movie? Hard cut to talking about dead mom, just real, just like next sentence.

Like there's just no warming up. I mean again, you know, like big orgy premature ejaculation immediately dead mom. I feel like that's happening. Yeah, yeah, you started like so it's cold in Russia. My mom is dead. My mom died from the death and they're like, oh, I didn't know your mom died. That's sad. And he's like, yeah, it's sad. Okay. What were those seasons again? What were them? What were we talking about? It's so awkward and long. It's hard to convey in a podcast we want to keep funny.

We would be failing you in entertainment value by describing just how long this scene is. It's amazing. I love just the general acting feel to it. You remember in like middle school, and they would make you do like, oh, a sketch as part of like health class. Everybody break up the groups,

you're gonna do a little sketch about something. And you know, you're trying to like deliver lines, but you're an idiot middle school. And like just the act of acting makes you all kind of almost laugh, you know, as you're trying to deliver it. Mm-hmm. That's the whole movie. That's everybody in the movie is like, we're in the line. Weather.

Stupid. I wrote that at the very beginning. So when I was in middle school in my Spanish class, we did a Titanic parody. And my friend Kelly played what's her name, Rose. Mm-hmm. And my friend Mark played Leonardo DiCaprio. And I love what his name was. And I played all the other parts.

Fantastic. I changed hats a lot. Cause she's a multi-talent. She was a tripper. I am. I'm a multi-talent. Well done. Obviously.

And it's so bad that we shot this on a VHS camcorder. And so, oh my god, give me that tape. Mark Kelly. I know you're out there. I have, I don't have access to a lot of resources, but I will make you whatever prank website you want, Mark Kelly. Get me that tape. The editing is is such that there are sometimes the ends of scenes where I'm going, cut the camera. I know like, amazing, but it's the exact same level of quality as the show. Yeah, identical, identical to this very real movie that this guy distributed. Yeah. And one of the things they're doing in this very scene where they're talking about the

weather and his dead mother is they're cutting back and forth hard, real hard, just randomly. It's like the actors are throwing the camera at each other in between lines. Yeah, almost every scene is a one shot, first of all, which is the weirdest thing you've ever seen. So it's very rare to have multiple characters in the same frame.

So it's like, I say something, you say something, I say something, you say something, just going back and forth and back and forth. And then they're cutting hard to Jake, who's standing in front of a wee by gold pawn shop with his giant gold ring talking about, I don't know, being a mobster. And you're like, what is happening? I don't, his whole movie is just what is happening. Yeah, I don't know why they did a cross cut there. There was no real. They could have just shown us like three sentences from that phone call to give us the dumb

information we needed and then show us the whole scene of them for 15 minutes talking about weather and dead moms and sex or whatever. Yeah. Would have been better. Did they talk about sex? I don't know if they directly talked about sex, but it felt sexual. Hey, Keith, what part of the scene did you think was about sex?

Because the only other part of the scene that we haven't talked about yet is where they talk about Jacob's mom. Yeah, okay, you didn't feel the chemistry of the sexual moment of all that happening with the mom and then also Jacob being like, let's go check out our bedroom together because we now live together. I give you that, Keith. The first thing I wrote was, the mom and then also Jacob being like, let's go check out our bedroom together because

we now live together. I give you that he's like the first thing I wrote was Oh no, Jacob's mom is also his girlfriend. They're all the same age. They're all just make porn together. If you want to make porn together, that's great. Oh, actually, yeah, I might be kind of into that. I feel like he hired everyone for porn. And they got their clothes off and they were like, guys, let's not do this.

We all came right away. Let's make a movie, let's make a movie, let's make a movie, let's make a movie, right? Exactly. Circle jerks over. This has and everybody came too early in the porn feel to the acting. Absolutely. Absolutely. Everybody is like weirdly attractive in this movie, but not.

Like, there's like a weird paradox of attractiveness. Until you said, but not I was really confused, Karen. But don't you feel like it's like a paradox of attractiveness? Like there all like could be a track like Jacob and Jigs mom are definitely both very attractive. Oh, and I would say the the girlfriend that we're going to later meet very attractive, right? Hmm.

The French model Russian model friend. I don't know. I don't like grandma. We're saying no about interesting. I bet she's the hottest one in the old age home. She does. So I think that's clear. A lot of what you really need to say.

That you used that as a bad example. There's somebody later who I actually wrote like, oh my god, he's so hot. I think it was maybe the homeless. We'll get there. We'll get there. We're learning a lot about Keras Taik here on God. A lot of sexuality stuff happened. Not a lot to this movie, but so you begin the deeper we dive into the movie, the more we reveal. Okay. Anybody watching,

go back. Look, you'll see what I mean. Okay. Well, speaking of going back, I think you two need to go back right now. We're about to meet the French model who is clearly attractive, who is, yes, possibly the hottest person at the old age home in a very good way. Jacob and Jacob and Ivan and Alan go to the mall for like a little adopted family bonding with friend guy and they're going to pick up some ladies together and they do find one. They literally say that. Let's pick up some chicks. Well, they thought bubble. Let's. They thought. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Don't point at the chicks. Yeah. Blink, blink, blink, blink. Shut up. Don't point at them. Yeah. Yeah. So what they do, they point and her name is Celine. She sees them very clearly pointed her and she starts walking past them in the mall and she is confused by how cameras work in movies too. Yep. She's not, she's kind of torn. Staring directly into it. Yeah.

She's staring right at the camera and then she's like, wait, wait, don't look, don't look. Wait. No, yes, I'm looking, I'm looking. And then she's like, hello stranger that I didn't step on an ex of tape to talk to just now. To be fair, all the other times this actress has been on camera. It's been a laptop camera, so I'm sure it was confusing seeing a film. Sure. Okay.

Cameraman like that. So bad. But okay, nothing is as as insane as her very first line in the movie. Not line. Thought bubble. Oh, sorry. I think of the day I'll run together it honestly the thought bubble cinematic tool I think might be a genius thing in this movie like it really grew on me and this is when I really started thinking like oh this is

Very good movie making anyway her thought bubble says as soon as she sees says as soon as she sees Vitaly Versace, Ivan, she says to herself, wow, fresh foreign DNA. Yeah. Exactly. It's in her head. That's always my first thought when I meet someone who's not America. Okay. I'm glad.

I was wondering if that's what we're going to think in. This is this is the insight we bring care for. Okay. To be clear, she is, she is a white person though. So she's saying like fresh, finally some of that Caucasus mountain, DNA, found its way to America. I just have to point out that this,

this scene where he picks up the girl and shakes her hand and he's like, we are on date now. And she's like, oh yes, very good. This is what the men who yell out of the windows of cars that women think hitting on women is going to go like, right? Whenever you've seen a man like just yell randomly and a woman and you've been like, what the fuck's the point of that particular behavior?

He's picturing this scene in this movie that Karen's going to turn around and be like, Oh, foreign DNA. Here was a lucky set of a gun. And then literally after he comes back and they're like, oh, foreign DNA. Here was a lucky set of a good. And then literally after he comes back and they're like, oh, you got a number, oh, bro, like you've only been here for five minutes and you already got a number. He was like, let's go.

I got to call her. Let's go. It's time for the next scene, my friends. I wanted her to call her right then while she's walking away and her to be like, are you fucking calling me? Hello, I call you on a cellular phone. Yeah, it goes up to a satellite in the sky. There is a dog in ours. I hear you just live. Please do this this number now. There's a dog in ours. I heard you. He was very brave. We gave him metal. Laika. Guys, I went to the digital that I went to the

Like guys I went to the digital that I went to the the museum or I went to the Sputnik museum in Kazakhstan nice like I experienced the The mood that you like the space program they got into allegedly space first Yeah, hey friends welcome to tiesville You all know when we are in tie because we are same country doing same amount of great. So here was our spacket program. It went super good. We launched a dog into space. It died, but you know that is the Russian way. Anyways, we call it a Thai, the end of space story. But the thing is, it was kind of like... Yeah. I do have been to Russia, Kara. No, no, no.

Have you been to Kazakhstan, like where this butnik museum is? No, I'm still alive. It's outside. I'm still alive. I don't know if you've noticed. I went to the Baikonur Cosmodrome to like see a rocket launch and they, we got to go to the museum and it was a mate, the tour guy, it was kind of like that. Sounded exactly like that, just now.

Sounded exactly like that because that's what all of Russia is. Yeah, amazing. Okay. Sorry. It's my story sticking to it. Okay. So he don't he is there a hot homeless guy who can Yeah, that's not done. Great question. Great question. I wrote it too, but I was nice on how you even did the PC. You're objectifying this man, but you had to do on how oh god Well, I would hate when I was picturing shoving this dude Into my two by four I made sure to use the

Iron dang unhoused Russian dude is hot He's hot you got go back go back. You see interesting. Like to support him with my social safety net. If you know what I mean, I'd give him more than a dollar. Literally wrote that. Oh my god. I did write that. I just noticed that. You belong on our shot here. Yeah. So they walk out of the mall and they they come across an unhoused beautiful Russian man and yes, for a dollar and they yell something mean, right? They yell some like get a job type of comment. Oh, yeah, they did. So wait, they're not good people. No, they're not. No, they're not. I was so distracted by the hot guy that I, he was yeah. Did you guys notice that Ivan has some intense serial killer vibes in the scene? He definitely has some very much so he's definitely sizing up carous favorite actor for,

you know, a skin mask later. Yeah, he reminds me of, did you guys ever see that TikTok that, you know, then I saw on Instagram because I don't have TikTok of the guy ironing his sheets. You're 90. Yes. Yeah. Also, he's about to murder an unhoused man like American psycho here for sure. Exactly.

And then iron his sheets. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. I would be zero percent surprised if he'd violently ironed his sheets and put the rest of the episode passive aggressively quipping about how you're throwing off the angles of your back or something. Okay. Okay. Okay, so they walk away from the unhoused man.

And Ivan calls Celine here and he gets a date for tomorrow. Very exciting. So hot. So hot. This movie is from 2007, but somehow his cell phone is from 1992. All of them are. Did you notice that they're all huge? Giant tremendous.

They're working with the exact more stuff. Yeah, they have antenna antennae. We're all. Yeah, but I just have to talk about this one moment at the end of the scene. So he, he, are you talking about the best worst wind up to a line in a movie ever? Incredible. Yes. Well, like physical, like old timey baseball wind up of this guy's face before his line. Is that what you're talking about? Exactly because she says yes. And then we watch Vittali Versace try to act happy.

And you can see it's perfect. They always say that like acting is the revelation of thinking. And it's the opposite bad universe version of that. Cause you could see him be like, what is happy? Okay. Well, smile. Okay. Move face. And then the word yes. Yes. That is the acting performance we see is tremendous. And then we hard cut to the Hollywood side. Yes. It's the big wind up and you're like, oh, I'm sure I know rhythmically when he's going to say his neck and then it comes out when you don't expect it somehow.

Even though there's the big wind up, it's the back. It's incredible. Yeah. So you got the date. The next day he's standing in the middle of the road to meet Celine for their date. Bird sounds, bird sounds. And there's a good deal of bird sounds. Yes.

This is when the birds and the insects, I believe, started making fun of the movie for the rest of the movie. Because what happened is they're supposed to be going on a date in the park, which is very boring. But Vatali was like, we need some bird sounds for the beautiful American park that they are hanging out in. So he bought like bird sound free pack from freesound.com. So I mean, he downloaded it. He didn't buy this, right? And he was just like, they were like, great. So which bird sound do you want to use?

And he was like, all of them friends, they're free. All of them at once at maximum volume. So that it's like you're being water-borted, but we're the bird. Yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot. We get a quick shot of basketball for no reason. Also, Jacob and Alan play basketball without a hoop together for like two seconds of dribbling. Yeah, come back away. And they have their date. They go to Malibu. And we know that because Malibu thinks to itself, welcome to here. Yeah. Welcome here. Welcome here by a thought bubble of Malibu.

Yeah, it's like it was like an umbrella. I think that was thinking it. I'm very confused, but I also thought it was the umbrella within Malibu, but I like the idea that it was the city itself. Yeah, that's fair. That's fair. Yeah, so it's like. That's fair. Yeah. So it's like a really nice seaside restaurant.

It looks like and there's an umbrella there that says like, welcome to Malibu. And then very clearly Vitaly got kicked out of that nice restaurant where he was trying to hijack a shot and then we're like, get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here. The rest of your date is not a mall. I told you I was order a Coca-Cola, my guy. Let me shoot my entire movie here. This date is the worst thing that's ever happened in the world.

Thank you, Cara. So every, like every, yes. This does lead me to my question, Cara, would you rather be eaten by mongooses? I think it's a, or have this guy do a finger walk across the hand the way he does on this woman's hand. I think the part that really got me was that through I'd say 80% of the day and it's a long day through like 80% of the day, he's like open mouth chewing gum. Oh yeah.

And there's there are several shots where he's just been like, and we should also have a shot in the movie where we press our faces together, you know? Like fun friends, we just, you press your ear to my ear and there's like a little bit of suction that brings up your together. And then my face just gently presses against the first layer of your makeup and then we wash my face for several minutes because it's too much, too much, too much, too much.

On me, on the bug that was in your ear crawled into my... wash my face for several minutes. Out, out, out, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, okay, well, I'll tell you what, can we take clothes and lay them on a bedroom floor? And then we're both under the covers. And she was like, yes. I like that. They put the clothes at exactly even intervals. Like it would be like, okay, one shirt, okay, step, step, step. My pants probably now, yeah, one pants cool. Go. All right. And they eventually get naked and slam it bed together and we get the, okay, we had sex scene. You see, but before they close it, we have to say how it opens.

She literally is like name how I am special. That's right. Name how I'm special. I can't. Oh my god, these people. Okay, name how I'm special. Oh my god. Yeah. And he like names how she's special enough. He just, he names like the side of your face, cheek, how our ears sucked together when I said that suction thing. And she's like, cool. All right. Good enough. We're going to take off clothes. One of the two. You get one sex, my friend. Yeah. Get ready for some classic Parisian model sex.

We are our entire bodies are hidden under the covers. So they have now consummated their amazing relationship. It's gonna get better and better. And then we're back with the guys playing basketball on the side of the road with Nohoop. We see it all the way this time. It's clearly in like a parking spot on the side of a road. There's no hoop there.

And then the movie realized that somebody told them and they were like, no, we have a hoop and they show us stock footage of a basketball. For a second. Yeah. It's so bad. I love this scene so much. FreeVids.org version of a basketball hoop. And then to move the plot forward, Tom, the red guy from earlier in the show, something

he's like, Hey, there must have been a better way to reveal this information. But I'm here. I work for his dad who is the head of the Russian mob. Okay, that's it. That is I'm just here to deliver that information. Not sure why I'm delivering it to you. We got you. But he literally said, this is the quote, his uncle killed his father so he could take over the family business. And now he wants Ivan dead too. And actor number three, he's Alan, whoever was like, Alan, what's the family business? And then he's like, oh, he's the head of the Russian mob.

And he's like, cool. Like he looks minimally concerned by this information. Yeah, it was like they like put this in here to remind the cast what Russian mob and he's like, cool. Like he looks minimally concerned by this information. Yeah. It was like they like put this in here to remind the cast what the movie was about. Right. And then Alan tries to do like a not it, right? He's like, well, I don't want to help him not it.

And it's like, no, you're still in the movie. And he's like, oh, okay. Okay. All I could focus on for this whole scene besides the crazy basketball thing was you got to tuck the tag in on your t-shirt. So take a picture. He's the first. He's the first.

He's the first. He's the first. He's the first. He's the first. He's the first. He's the first. He's the first. He's the first.

He's the first. He's the first. He's the first. He's the first. He's the first. He's the first. He's the first. He's the first. He's the first. He's the first. He's the first. I don't know why shirt tags are Jewish, but I felt it. I felt it and I said, yes, but just then to me trees goons roll up and they have a what I can only describe as a nine

year olds playing shootout shootout. Oh, yeah. There's literally a point to end this scene. Alan slash Keith is hiding behind a tree from one of the bad guys and the bad guys like, I saw you. I saw you have to come out behind that tree and he's like, no, I'm not. And he walks over and he's like, yeah, yeah, you are. I'm right here. And he, why was he, how was he hiding banditry? He was wearing a pinstripe suit. Yeah, not the best plan. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh best plan. Oh, oh, on. Did you guys ever see spaced? Yeah, absolutely.

Sure. Do you remember all of the shootouts that they would do in space to where they were like air? That's what this was. Level shootouts. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, the bad guys have shot Tom now and they've captured Alan and thrown him in the back of their car. That's going to matter for later. Then we're back at LAX. Wait, so to remember, can we remember real quick? Tom again was the guy who the dad sent to take care of the kid. Yes, the red man. Tom the red man, but he got shot in the head with some catch up. Okay.

Okay. Yes. Tom is burned victim Tom. He got shot right. And now they have Alan in the trunk. But where's Jacob? Jacob ran away. Jacob ran away. Yeah, Jacob, Jacob like literally does serpentine to successfully run, literally runs out of the movie to the extent that they will replace him with a different person for the end of the movie. Okay.

All right. Just to be clear. Okay. Now I know where we are. All right. So now we come back to LAX and Demetri is flying in and his henchmen are picking him up and they have the saddest fucking sign that's just Demetri on it. The handwritten sign is fucking amazing.

It's so good. Here's what you can see in this beautiful sign. Someone took a pen and they wrote Demetri and they were like, it's the thin and he was like, what's your one minute of the moon? And he was like, make a, do you have a marker? and he was like what you want me to do and he was like big a make a Do you have a marker and he was like I don't have a marker what am I and fucking arts and crafts teacher? I'm a fucking marker and he's like well then take the pen and make it like a big squeagle And so they made big squeagle it's the Demetri with an old Blue pen they got from the hospital. I think when they were released

They wanted a marker and they like stole a dried out marker from a little kid and it like had to scratch it out so many times to make the letters. It's so stupid. They're hicking up to be true here. And it's another Russian guy with no luggage. So might just belling the stereotype. I thought that was good. What's he Russian? I can't remember. Demetri? Yeah, I mean, he doesn't speak Russian. He doesn't have a Russian accent because he's in this movie and he's not the main character. But he, yeah, he, this is Alexi's brother. Yeah. He's supposed to be Alexi's brother. Yeah. Right. Yeah. The, yeah, the uncle who wants to take over now and kill.

I, yes, exactly. Exactly. I'm up to speed. So they get out into the parking lot. Stupid henchman guy gets yelled at, which was fun. I enjoyed that. Oh, I hate this entering guy. That was great. I would have watched it that whole movie. There's this great moment where the train got tries to fucking get shotgun. And he's like, dude, he's literally the head of the Russian mafia. Let him sit in the front and he's like, Oh, good car sick. Is that eyebrows? If I throw up, it's going to be your fault. Was that eyebrows?

I love eyebrows. Is eyebrows the stupid henchman? I don't know. I mean, come on. Yeah, eyebrows is the stupid henchman. It's eyebrows. Okay. Yeah.

Well, because the other fucking stupid henchman has Bluetooth, he has a jawbone. You guys remember the... He does. Yeah. He has those car salesmen. He has those silly Bluetooth things. Yeah. I hate it.

And you know this guy showed up to set and he was like pretty badass, right? You won't believe this, but I actually used this for my job at Radio Shack and everyone was like, no, we believe you, man. That is. Yep. You're going to wear it for the movie. Okay. So from here, we get, I'm going to say conservatively a 25 minute, nearly silent car ride.

We call these monsters. Well, because they can't that you can watch these guys not thinking of what to say, right? Because there's to me tree and he's trying to do like a badass glare, but you can only hold that for about five seconds before your forehead starts to hurt. And then there's Jake who's just like, I don't know, should I start a word game? Should I, I'm thinking of a thing, the animal vegetable mineral. And the guy in the bag is just like having a good time. Good to win my friends. I love to be a love.

But that's, but the irony here is that you're right. They can't think of what to say. So they give them their thoughts in football. And I was like, I think Eli Bosnick wrote all of these thought bubbles and I will give you some examples of how the first one. I can't wait to get of work. The second one, change in career. What does it take? I wander. I wander. They're all like this and it's great. And then I was in the back literally says money, money, money. The last one, this was the one I really thought about for a while.

This job is SH period, period D. So this movie, which has had like three murders and will have at least two more, they were like, I'm not sure I want to say the SH word guys. You know, I am real Christian, okay? I go to church like every single week. But then he added two dots, not one. So it's like he was bleeping the word shoot. Yeah. She maybe I don't know.

She is. I feel like maybe these actors just got inconsolably high together in real life. And so they just like tried to impress the scene and they had to put in stuff later. Cause all they could think of was like, do my friends actually like me? I don't. Very possible. Yeah. This where arms go. I don't normally.

I like cheese. What? So earlier, I told you that all women, of course, when we meet somebody who's not American think or all American women, I should say think, hmm, fresh, hot, foreign DNA or whatever the fuck she said. So I'm curious, all of these things that the men are saying in this car, these are like normal man thoughts, right? I do like cheese. I think that to myself a lot.

I mean, I'll tell you this, me, Heath and Noah spend a lot of time in cars together and most of it is in acute awkward silence. But in your head, are you saying money, money, money? Well, Heath is thinking money, money, money, and I I'm thinking changing career. What does it take? I wander Um, and Noah's actually thinking I like this town. I'm gonna make it mine. So yeah It's actually very insightful as to our dynamic. Mm-hmm. I love that accurate So you gotta come do a live show with us. You can think of I can't wait to get out of work Or I can't wait to get of work

No, I want to be the one who's inside of his head. It's just girls, girls, girls, girls, girls. Exactly. Yeah. All right. Well, the movie started taking its 15 during the movie. So I think we get one to here. Right? That feels fair. Absolutely. But first, let me give act three, the hard cell, will Alan be thinking of an animal, mineral, or vegetable? Will there be a strong homage to Edepus Rex? Will the movie start to become sentient and reject itself like a bad organ? Yes, to all those things when we return for the meal-breane, tastic conclusion of Born

into Mafia. Hi, hi, my movie writing pals. How's it all hanging? Going good. What's up? Telly. So you know how when I show you the first draft of my super cool action movie film,

you said to me, I don't understand it. Your acting is bad. You have face like bog woman. And didn't say that third thing, but yeah, what? So I have to realize the problem is we don't know what the Camdenectors are thinking we need comic bubbles. Sorry, what is comic bubbles? You know, like in Kazam.

Sorry, do you mean the 1996 Shaqille O'Neal movie? I don't think that movie had comic book bubbles. Do you mean subtitles? Maybe. Anyways, it came out in 1996 here in America, but in my village, it was just like Christmas. It's Kazamania over there from all the comic bubbles. So, you want to randomly insert what the characters are thinking and feeling in comic bubbles like throughout the movie? Yeah, exactly. Trust me, comic bubbles are very popular in my hometown of Molo Grovia.

I feel like you just said a different name of where you're from the other day. Yeah, I was different the other day. Yeah, it got taken over by Molo Grovia and forces. Oh, I'm sorry. I just feel bad for the inclames that will all be genocide. And we're back. When we left off, we were watching an extended car ride in awkward silence,

and now they finally stopped to do some torturing of their hostage, and they stopped at, hey, Cadillac dealership to do that. Like you do. I don't know why. Seems like a bad spot to do a torturing, right? Seems like a place that fine necessity would be relatively populated. Strange choice. So they go to the back of the car and they've got Alan back there. And to be fair, Alan's not in the trunk. Like we keep talking about how he's in the trunk, but he's in the hatchback. He is in the hatchback, yeah, that's it.

Which means the whole time they were driving at the car, they could have been like, you know, you good back. You okay, man? You okay back there? Are you napping like that one friend who did too many shrooms at the concert? We're all leaving. So they pull Alan out of the car and they start beating them up a little bit. They punch him and they're like, where's Ivan?

They're trying to get the information. And they this is like the most intense. I'm putting that in air quotes, like torture deathy scene in the whole movie and they gave it to the literal worst actor in the whole movie. Like Alan slash he slash uncredited actor is so bad. And I don't know there's a part of me that starts to feel bad for him at this part because like he didn't meet the son of a Russian mobster on the internet. He didn't want to have anything to do with this.

He just wants to play basketball man. And some of Jacob, Jacob got him into this really. He just wanted to play basketball and use Jacob's mom, like the rest of the neighborhood. Okay, so they try to get the information out of him for a while. And finally, they have to bring Dimitri in because he's like the big guns. I get he knows how to choke better or yell better or something. So finally, he gets the information they find out. All right, Jacob's house. We got to find Jacob and Jacob's house.

That's where Ivan is. And if you're wondering what nefarious torture Demetri uses, he says, where is he? And fucking Alan is like, oh, he's a Jacob's house. And he's like, no, great. Excellent. I'm got all the information I need. Did I say it? It's scarier or something?

Yeah, I said it's scarier. You said it's scarier. You said it's scarier. You said it's scarier. You said it's scarier. You said it's scarier. Unclear why that works. But guys, Cara, Keith, I'm talking to you.

Three of us on this podcast, right? Doors are open. I feel like trust has been established. There's friendship here. Can I say it? Love. Can we all agree that if we're ever caught in a tortured for information situation We give each other up immediately

Like none of this tough guy stuff. We just immediately give up the other person's location. Let's just make a pact Right here right now spitting our hands, huh? Okay, first one. Yeah, absolutely. Thank you Cuz you're just gonna get punched a few times and then why get punched exactly? I'm saying let's save ourselves the How much it hurts to get punched it hurts so bad so much. I've been punched so many times. I've never been punched hurts All right, well Cara you hold out as long as possible then fucking Yeah, black Hawk down over there is gonna fucking Make him electrocute my location out of her by me just, just so you know me and Heath, we're giving you right away. Right away. Right away. Right away. Thanks for that. That's I'm doxing you right now. I'm tweeting your personal phone number

right now to prove my dedication. Not surprised me, sadly. So then they kill him. They kill him. Yeah. He gives it up, but they kill him anyway. And he's like, I thought, but you were going to let me. And then they catch up his head. And they show a close up of his dead head. And his eye lids are fluttering hard. Yeah. Yeah. Do you guys notice that? Hard. They don't do the tongue sticking out. I guess that's only, you know, that's only accurate when, when hanging is involved. No, when you get shot in the head, you close your eyes and open them a lot while you're dead. Yeah, exactly. Mostly exactly. Yeah. Okay.

Okay. They show us the inside of the Cadillac dealership. Yeah. There's not a normal day. Cadillac dealership is fine with this. And then we get a really weird, like a jarring tone shift from a mob execution to like a shift meeting at Applebees with the monsters now. Yeah.

Now I will say, look, anyone who's ever had a Russian shift manager has had this weird way to intense conversation about why you're not getting your promotion. So I get it. Okay, I get it. I'm in here. I liked that the actors had, I'm going to say five to 10 second Skype delays between them, but in real life, but of different amounts. Oh, real, but on the movie, yes, especially during this moment, they're off by so much.

One guy I think is in the future. So he starts talking like before the other ones are done. Yep. Mm-hmm. It's a lot of crossover and then silence. So then we cut to Ivan thinking about stuff in broken English. It's not as good as his performance of happiness, but it's pretty good. He is just being like, thinking, thinking. Think, think, think, think, think. One of his exact thoughts was,

if there is a way in, it must be a way out, which I thought was deep, right? Yeah. Interesting. Does he mean like the way out of the mob, like there was a way into the mobs now, there must be a way out. I think so because, yeah, he says love is the answer. Yeah. And then, right. And then he thinks to himself, I'm going to do that's it. Oh, yeah, I wrote that he's gonna, he's just gonna do it. Do what you ask who cares? Well, that's my analysis of the whole movie. It's decided, that's it, it's being done.

Right, so he calls that September and Januaryan model to come meet him, because he has something very important to say. She's like a 35 and attractive. You guys are insane. You're just 35 years from her 50th birthday. I'll buy that she's 35. No, come on.

I will. Yeah, I'll buy that she's 35. Maybe certain of the skin on her body is 35, but that was, you think she has got cut off someone. Yeah, on in a human trafficking situation. No, like my wife. Okay. There's no way. I feel like it's sad to say, but she has that thing that like some of the, I can't believe

I'm evoking this. Like the some of the Kardashians have were like, they're young, but they've done so much plastic surgery that they actually look older than they are. Right. Yeah. It's like when they put Paul Walker's face on his brother's body, that's what this woman looks like without the CGI. It's just sad because she was probably really pretty at one point. Everyone's making crazy examples for unattractive.

You keep saying things like Paul Walker and I'm like, I don't understand anything you're sad. These are all positive and sane. Okay. Whatever. But yeah, he's there to tell her how much he loves her. This is his list of things that he likes about her. She's beautiful. She smells good. She has beautiful lips. Damn, she has eyes. I wrote my notes. This is not a great list when you love someone. Well, he's going to ask her to marry him right now.

Yep. She says exact words. I love you to to the marriage proposal. She says I love you to with a question mark, but I hardly met you. And he says, I'll take that as a yes. I believe that it's exchange again, forgetting engaged. It's a guy who yells out of a car's version of what a proposal is. Also, I just have to point this out, but at the beginning of the scene where she says, yes, you can hear someone in the background literally going, you can hear the water. And indeed, you can hear the water while the camera's gone. It's an extremely loud

fountain that they have their mic inside of. Yes, for the small scene. I'm just curious, like, do you guys think that this is how some people actually do get married? Because I think this actually sometimes happens. Karen, I think it's how most people get married. It's like, it's like, it's almost every time I was going, I think 90% of this planet are like, well, now that we've been to TGF Fridays three whole times, it's time for me to tell you what I spent that $275 at K Jewelers on. Will you make me the happiest man until our divorce at that red rock in next year. It's so scary. Yeah.

Okay. It's rough. There are worse things than being a lone female hiker. Exactly. I'll pick lone female hiker every time. You could be married to Vitaly Versace, exactly. By the way, he has a different name every single time you reference him. He does, yes, great.

You called him Vladimir of you. I do. I hold no theater. I have no responsibility. So now we cut to Jacob. Jacob, the actor who plays Jacob, he has quit the movie at this point. So they had a different white guy who is bald. Jacob was not bald, like looking at a door and someone shoots him in the head and the

other guy walks up and goes, Hey, man, you weren't supposed to shoot him. And he's like, I did, though. And he's like, I guess you did. Oh, yeah, it was eyebrows. I was like, uh-oh, eyebrows just killed the door dash guy. Because he literally just walks up to someone and shoots him. That's supposed to be Jacob. I can see why you're confused. It is a person of a different race. He's completely different person. And then what's his name? Who's the guy who walks up to to eyebrows? Jake.

Jacob is confusing. So he's gotten casual in between. She is, by the way, he was in a suit in the first. Yeah. He's now in like a wife feeder for no reason. So Jake goes up to eyebrows and is like, bro, like, why did you shoot him? You were supposed to get information out of him.

And he's literally like, he wouldn't have given it to me anyway. What's done is done. Like it's so weird. Didn't seem like he was gonna talk. No. It takes a good guy. Trust me, he wouldn't do that. I shot him right away. He executed him from behind.

Yeah. Like what? So now we cut back to Ivan and his grandmother. They're talking about their life together where they will live. Yes, yes, where will we live? And he goes, I don't know, it's place. What's with all the question? Yes. Okay. This is this is when the movie itself started rejecting itself. The movie had a

thought bubble. I'm pretty sure at this moment. And a thought bubble from a movie is just, we watch a butterfly on a candle. Yes, for no reason. This movie actively starts to be overtaken by a nature documentary, right? Like the medium of film itself is like, you will not produce this thing. So, well, they're trying to distract us from the fact that the whole time we're looking at butterflies and bees, he's literally saying the most fucked up stuff. Like, you're all beautiful like my mother. I feel like I'm married to my mother now. This is good. This was rough. When he says you're beautiful like my mother, I was like,

oh, that's pretty weird. And then he's like, maybe I married you because my mom died. And I was like, oh, that's pretty weird. And he's like, now I feel like I've got my mom back. And I was like, okay, well, I don't have jokes, man. You're just saying all my jokes in your movie. I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong, Cara. Aren't those the words every little girl dreams of hearing? It feels like I've got my mom back. Okay, I really do this, but like, I literally wrote in my notes here.

I feel like this movie is sucking the intelligence out of my brain. Like you guys were worried about me getting so close to finishing my PhD and you wanted to knock me down a peg. Like I- Yes, this is actually- This is the kind of movie, like it's fun, but afterward it hurts. Yeah. Like it hurts your head.

When you're defending your PhD, they're gonna be like, so Cara, you pointed out here about how steel beams melt when you run a plane into them. Tell us about that. And you're only going to be able to remember the plot points of this movie. That's our long con. Yeah, they're going to ask me an important question about like, you know, high to Gary and theory.

And I'm going to be like, you'll remind me of my dad, mom. Oh, fuck. Yeah. It's going to be really there. Matches up pretty well with high to Gary and theory. Right. You know, I was like, I got my mom back. Matches up pretty well with Hyde Gary and Theory. You know what I was talking about? You're like, I got my mom back.

That line's up for sure. That's definitely a great interview of your. I wrote and make them stop talking. Okay. It was so funny. Okay, well the birds were trying to make them stop talking. The birds were like, oh fuck you, fuck your movie.

Get out of our park. You're the worst. Oh, but so loud. The best line is at the very end. Oh, yes. Who wants to take it? He says, and I will pray to God that we die on the same day. And she's like, yeah, what?

Yeah. Yeah. Nice, a duperass, classy, like the nutte book. Yep, love it. So we cut away from the happy couple. And meanwhile to meet tree, Demetri has killed Jacob's mom inside their apartment. No, I love this.

Oh, no. And then Ivan walks in. Yeah, Ivan walks in. He sees the corpse and he's like, oh, hey, I called the meat train. He's like, hey, I didn't kill anyone. He's like, no, you did not. I'm going to take a shit. Don't come with me.

I'm gonna come with you. Don't come with me to the shit. It's a single shit. Cool. And then he wakes up from a dream next to the model. Oh, yeah, I forgot that didn't actually happen or did it happen.

Okay, was this all a dream or not? What does the movie think happened? Here's what I think happened. I think he meets a girl and this whole sequence with Jacob getting killed and Tom getting killed, that whole thing, that was his nightmare. No. Because the rest of the movie will be showing us what actually happened. No. Okay, so he actually did leave Moscow and come to Los Angeles and live at Jacob's house

with Jacob's mom was saying and you know, beautiful great grandmother. And he did. He did meet a beautiful Persian model. They become engaged after one date. That'll happen. Then he went to sleep. Then he had a nightmare in that nightmare. The rest of the movie happened in the rest of, in that no, well, because the, the nightmare is intercut with the movie before he's asleep. But yeah, it's not linear in that nightmare. It's like momentum. This is a great film. In that night, I literally wrote, is this a good here. In that nightmare, all the bad things that happened to Tom and Alan and Jacob happened, but those were all dreamed because now we cut to Dimitri, Jake, and the new guy playing cards.

This is what actually happened. Wait. Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, so that's not a second scene because I was confused because I was like, first, isn't that one of those guys dead? Now we're in reality. No, this is a new, scene because I was confused because I was like first. Isn't that one of those guys dead now? We're in reality. No, this is a new exactly this is right. This is what actually happened. Yeah, but to be clear I've cracked the code on this one you did you cracked a code with like a decoder ring because nobody who watches this movie will get this guys

I don't know how to tell you this. I'm Ivan to be I learned English after I made it and I've been hoping nobody would discover it. His name has really evolved. Say your name that I just said to you. Valium, no verticals. Okay. And I have created this podcast so that I could eventually confront my own work and explain it in a way that people could really appreciate it.

And this is how I really talk to guys. That's why I did it in the sketches. Do you have an Emmy? I have held an Emmy. Oh my God. Okay. So this part, you're saying this part's real. They're playing poker. Now this is the real thing. Yeah. We're not, we're not there yet. Like I get that we've got to actually say what happened though. He wakes up next to her. He says, I had a nightmare. I dream my uncle came from Moscow and killed you and all my friends and we got married. And then it becomes and she's like, what's wrong with us getting married?

And then everything turns reverbie. Mm-hmm. Because he gets a phone call and they're like, your dad is dead. Yes. Oh, right. And then the movie turns into like a hallmark card. Yeah. Like, yes, we're missing like we can't get to the poker game.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. It doesn't make sense until we think how so the hallmark card movie thing was to indicate to us in thought bubble form kind of. Yes. The hallmark card is being the part that was really on the part that was not. But wait, but his dad did actually die.

Yes. Okay. So it's still pretty fucked up. Like, yeah, his dad died, but now we're going to see what happened with the actual mobsters when Dimitri came to America. Oh, okay. So we had a nightmare that's like slightly different from what actually. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Oh, okay. So we had a nightmare that's like slightly different from what actually Exactly. Yeah, because it's really like there's almost no movie left here and you know, I know you guys said hallmarkard, but like let's paint a picture for the listeners who are never

gonna watch this movie. It's an iMovie transition. I can actually tell you what it's called. It's called flower effect and it's a free iMovie transition that you put into any iMovie. And didn't somebody say at some point like, I don't think, yeah, this flower graphic is not doing what they think it is. Yup, that's when I wrote this flower graphic is not doing what he did. The movie became sentient. Here's what happened, right? Ivondaniee Sivitch was sitting there with this thing and he was like, I needed to

do a, you know, like a Kalala, Kalala, and they were like, do you mean doodly do? And he was like, that's not what we call it in my home country, but okay. Can we get one of those? And they were like, no, man, you need after effects for that. And he was like, well, what about this, I movie DVD transition. Can I use that in the last third of my movie? And they were like, you know, whatever the fuck you want, man, Jacob Quinn. And his mom killed herself in real life on our set so that she wouldn't be in this movie anymore. Yeah.

No, he does say to himself at this moment, it was like my dream came alive and then we get the hallmark card transition. Yeah, because that is this guy's version of do do. Right. I know he was like, whatever, I swushed to do do do I don't know. I'm exactly now with this. He did not have a budget for a doodly, do. Okay. So he unswushed his swooshed doodly, do with the hallmark.

And now we're in reality. And the real thing that happened is his dad did get shot, but there was a double cross with Jake and Tom. Yes. And Tom is actually still alive. Tom actually got Jake to double cross to meet tree. So Demetri did not win. Exactly. In real life. Right, but we're not there yet. Goddamn it, Carol. When do we get to be there? What? I think we're there.

Carol, you have to let us be there. I'm just saying like that exposition hasn't happened yet because we have to watch them play poker for a while first. For a while. Yes, that's great. We had to watch them play poker, but we don't have to make the podcast. We did. We did. Okay. I really enjoy poker and this scene made me mad.

You must be furious at the poker scene, right? Because they were just putting down cards and chips and cash, Willie Nilly. Absolutely not. Like, there was no... They had like 30 chips total that they owned. And they're trying to play poker with three, four people. So they just have like $100 bills laying there too. Nothing makes sense. No. This is not a matter of they don't know how poker works.

This is a matter of they don't know how playing cards work, right? They're facing different directions. They have different numbers of cards. The deck is in the center of the table broken into three. Somebody eats one. Yeah, they're like, yeah, they're like, they're like, war and then they're like, no, make it poker really quick. And yeah, at the end, he's like, show us your cards and one person puts down like three cards

and then he's like, I got a full house and he only has four cards. Yeah, and then some other guys like rock, paper, scissors, shoot, I win, I win. But then they, there's a fight scene here. Yeah. Doesn't somebody die? Oh, right.

They do the, they do the classic, they do the empty gun tests. So they had the, the empty gun sitting there and then Demetri grabs the empty gun to like shoot Jake, but it's, it's empty. So they knew Demetri was bad, even though they already knew that because he literally killed Alex two days ago and they knew that. Except he didn't because that was a dream. No, I think that was real. It's so confusing. That was before the hallmark thing.

Cara follow Jesus. The vision that I laid out for people. Okay, and also. Take it seriously. It's a masterpiece. But he just woke up from the dream right before the scene. Exactly. So, so why is something that happened two days ago real? Or didn't it?

Or didn't it? And also the third guy they're playing poker with is a new actor with fabulous hair and literally has a thoughtful. He is a new actor. The guy has a thoughtful. That's the homeless guy. That is not a hit. Actually, I think it's Brad Pitt. There was a thought bubble that where the movie was like That is not a bit. I think it's a bad pit. There was a thought

bubble that were the movie was like, is this Brad Pitt that we guys? It's legends of the fall. It's a pop. Yep. Yeah. And then there's something about it being Brad Pitt in the next thought bubble thing. Because Vitaly walked over when this guy joined the movie and

was like, whoa, is this Brad Pitt? That guy's guys that joke. That joke is really fun. We should put it in the booth. They several dozen times. And they were like, they're your thought bubbles, man, whatever you want. Okay. But anyways, they, they killed a meetry.

They killed a meetry and they won. Yes. See, that's an important point. We can't get to the double cross yet. Oh, so now now there's the double cross now. Jake and Tony, right? Jake is to me Reese Handren. Tony is the red guy.

They're having a jog together like you do after you've pulled up a double cross. And Tony was shot, right? But not. Yes, but not really they were. That was in the nightmare. That was in the nightmare. Exactly. Okay.

Yeah. That's why I wrote, who is the bald guy? Wasn't here at the show. Even though, even though Ivan wasn't there for that moment of the movie. That was in the night there. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. And they agree that they're going to be an independent socialist construct of the Russian mafia. They'll be leaderless, like fucking, fucking vowl. Like occupy. Yeah, exactly. They can have a broad spectrum power structure. The quote here is, after Dimitri took out Alexander, we became independent. Now nobody can tell us what to do. Right. And then Jake says except for me,

and he's like, no, and he's like, Oh, okay. Okay. So you're you're you're my boss, but you're letting me be like assistant region assistant to the regional mobster. Okay. And to be fair, guys, this is basically the end of the movie. The other thing is like a, what's it called like a band goes off and comes back like the encore. Yeah. It's the encore of the film. Yeah. Like this is supposed to be kind of the end of the movie. And then we get this weird ass encore. Like if a band did an encore by like raising off the stage and disappearing somehow and then they show up in like a different arena on there. Basically, yes, yeah, very strange, but I think this was supposed

to be the big like, oh, dun, dun, dun, double cross. None of it was real. Like that's what we're supposed to think, but we didn't get it. I mean, I got it because I made it, but yeah, you got it, but like, he and I didn't get it. I wrote who's the ball guy isn't he dead already? Like we were very confused. I mean, get on my level. Okay. We're there. We're there sometime later.

So I've been so we're saying I've been one because his guy won the double cross game. Yes. That's like the final thing. Well, but I've been also lost because of both his parents are dead now. I've in one end lost. Anyways, sometime later, but he's got his mom back sexually with his new wife. Exactly. He does.

Yeah, he's got it. With his hairless cat, he's married. Exactly. So sometime later, and we know it's something, you're saying this woman doesn't look like a hairless cat? You Google hairless cat. It's gone. Again, with the crazy examples that don't make sense for good bad the way you're trying

to do it. I don't. You're telling me CISOS cats aren't beautiful sections. First of all, those cats have their hair. Did I? Second of all, those cats travel through time. Three, they whisper how you're going to die if you stay in the room with them alone when CISOS walks out.

So it's just confirming my theory every new word you say. Exactly. Anyways, some time later, how do we know it's some time later? That's what the title card says. It's some time later in the time dimension. I wrote in my notes, it's your movie. You get to choose how much time later. Literally just name an amount of time.

It's up to you. If you don't say anything, we'll assume that. If you want it to be earlier, you could tell us. Or wait, wait, wait, I see something in your notes that is a hole in your theory. Oh, all right. Love this. Take me there.

You wrote Jacob is alive now. Question mark, like you hadn't yet realized. I figured it out since I wrote my notes. I figured it out after you didn't get it either when you were watching. You didn't get it. This is the final scene. Eli didn't get it. Yeah.

Yeah, I didn't get it. Eli, did you consult somebody? Do you have like a research assistant who figures out these movies for you and then like you talk with them? I may or may not be a team of 12 different comedians like Shakespeare. We're not dealing with that. Anyways, Jacob is alive. Sometime later.

Sometime later. Sometime later in the real timeline. Yeah, I've been, oh yeah, this is real now. Ivan and wife Selene and their new baby that they have. Oh, not a real, not a real baby. They're three year old baby. It's a pretty old baby. That's why they had to say sometime later, because they were like, but our baby is 97.

And she was like, okay, we'll just say sometime later. And it's their anniversary. She forgot, but he got her the most romantic gift a woman could ask for for an anniversary dog tags, dog tags, romantic, beautiful dog tags. Kara, let me ask you question. I want you to really open your mind, open your heart. I want you to picture. It's the perfect man. You love him. It's your third anniversary. He's got that foreign DNA. He's got that foreign DNA. And he gives you romantic dog tags for your anniversary. Do you stick with him? Or is that the line?

You're acting as if that was the line in this movie. That would be the line for me. Really? Everything else, you would have been right there up until that point. Right there, 100% Mm-hmm, okay the dog tags were the problem for you the dog tags move problem, okay So Eli Eli liked the ring from K. Jouler's that's official Absolutely obviously interesting, okay, all right one date and then the baby's like what the fuck is this movie and it's over And the only thing I have to say about this movie is that he literally puts his phone number and street address at the end of the credits.

He did. Yup. He literally ends the movie with his personal phone number. He's like, Hey, guys, hit me up on Skype. It's just his phone number and his address at the end of the film. All right. So we're going to call him, right? Yeah.

I don't want to call him. What do you mean? I'm going to call him. There are four people on earth. I want to talk to less than Vitaly Versace. All right. And all of them are convicted. War criminals.

I live in Cleveland. I'm going to give him a call. Sue, if we can hang out, Eli is only saying that because he is Vitaly Versace. I am Vitaly Versace. I can't be in. All right. Two persons. Well, that's the end of the fucking movie for real.

Uh-huh. They're just on the beach for a second, and then they're like, okay, we're gonna walk slowly into the distance, born into mafia. You have watched is what it says. It's screened. It does. You have watched.

And then there's a log pause, and they're like, wait, hey, you've watched A, I wasn't finished. You've watched a movie by me. Here's my phone number in real life. But that's not just that. It's not just here's the phone number. I was looking at because I didn't finish watching after that. I mean, why would I keep watching credits?

But some of the YouTube comments were like this movie, which is only an hour and 20 minutes is not really because 12 minutes are credits. Yeah, it's long. I watched the credits to see if there was going to be like a tie together and seen in the credits. I was so's long. I watched the credits to see if there was going to be like a tie together and seen in the credits. I was so disappointed. How is it that the IMDB page doesn't even have any of the characters names? There's like three people who are named in this name.

Three of them have names. Yeah, I think everyone's doing an anonymous thing. But the credits are so long. Like how is that data not in the credit? I think they just all gave Vitaly fake names, right? He was like, all right, everyone, great job filming the movies. If you could all just write your real American names on this clipboard, I'm going to put them in the credits and everyone was just like Smith Smitherson. Also, don't forget to put your phone number at the end of the credits. And he was like, I never won. Thanks big guy.

Yep. 12 minutes of credits. All right. And that's the movie before he was like, I never won. Thanks big guy. Yep. 12 minutes of credits. All right. And that's the movie before we close it out on a scale from one to 10. How good is this movie according to Vitaly Versace? How good does he think he did Greek yogurt Greek yogurt one to 10 got it. Geras similar answer, different answer. But this is this is first film.

This, this is his for a very first film. Yeah, yeah, into cinema. Mm hmm. Don't worry. There's so many more, Kara. Are you? There's so many more for us to watch together. Are you asking me in hindsight? How good does he think this movie is? Or right after he finished and was like in, in his real face right now, if you were like, how good was that movie that you made that I watched?

Called Born into Mafia. How much did you love it? What number does he give it? One to ten. I think, I think in hindsight, now he gives it like a seven, but I think immediately after the movie, like cutting room floor, you know, he's sitting there, he's doing a screening with himself and like his family. And he's like, he's good. Yes. He's a good probably, probably best movie ever. Yes. Definitely. He was like, yeah's good. Yes, he's a good probably probably best movie ever. Yes. Definitely. He was like, yeah, okay.

Strong 995. Yeah, I think I think coming in no question. I think 910. Yes. No. Excellent. And while that does it for our review of Born in Tamafia, that's not going to do it for the episode.

Just yet, I guess we found another terrible movie for next week. Eli, what's on deck? A happily engaged couple find that temptation is everywhere. Will the consequences of their actions prove too much to handle? We'll be watching 2009's he who finds a wife. Oh my god. All right. Well, with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 415 to a merciful close. Huge thanks to Cara for joining us. Wanted to announce anything that you got going. Want to thank you for not making me watch he who finds a wife. Yeah.

What else do I got? I got my podcast. You could give it a listen if you want. And I'm almost done. When does this air this air soon, right? I'm almost done with my PhD, which means, oh, we can kidnap you. No, does that mean at the next episode, you guys have to call me doctor every time you refer to me? That is officially true.

Yep. I think that's like in the bylaws, right? They got off the movie. Absolutely. In the bylaws. Awesome. Give me one second while I see if Dr. Caries Santa Maria calm is a lot of.

It probably is. You just hold it. If you could just buy that for me and I'll hold it. I'll hold it. I'll rent care. Thank you. And of course, a big thanks to our Patreon donors for all the generosity. If you'd like to help sports show, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com

slash God awful. Then I'll get your early access to an ad free version of every episode. And if you enjoyed this show, you sure to check out our sibling shows, the Skating Atheist, Citation Needed, Skeptocrat, and D&D Minus available in all the podcast places. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions you can email GodAlphaMovies at gmail.com, our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of Evil Giraffes on Mars, all other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with commission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Cara and Eli, I'm Heath,

promising to work hard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the Animal House clothes. Eli Versace, I mean Bosnick, tracked down those dog tags IRL to give to his wife. She was not pleased. Ha-ha-ha. Vitaly Versace, who held an Emmy once, made a sequel to this movie it already exists.

It's called Born into Mafia 2. Yes it is. Kara was too slow and now Eli owns DrKaraSantaMaria.com. Yeah, that way to see what he does. I haven't read these yet. So who am I? Who am I? Just a random person on the in on the writing team. Okay. Are you Melania? I am. This is the boys I will be doing. Melania is all

white people accents outside of the United States. Yep, exactly. All the accents I'm still allowed to make fun of. There's not a reptile place around here. What the fuck does this mean, Eli? There's not a reptile place around here. Is there? If you like, comma, and then a question mark, yeah. I don't punctuate. Okay. I'm just going to do this. I'm like, I'm a lot like. I'm a lot like. I'm a lot like. Bell. I'm going to do this paragraph over here. I'm going to say, Bell. I love white women. All right. We're doing this. Total nightmare. I had my ass. venom. It sounds like I'm saying acid. You're saying acid. Every time there's no way around saying acid. I can't say co-bra. I think co-bra would make my stomach.

But if you don't find a time to work with us in September, I'm selling. Okay. It's also weird that the name would be black mamba and it wouldn't be mamba venom. No, mamba venom doesn't make sense. Co-bra venom makes sense. How do venom makes sense? Why would, what are you talking about? Black mom of venom is extremely dangerous and would make sense, especially given that's the title of the character you invented. Now, she said co-brivenom.

Say black mama for sure. Fuck me, it's amazing. Should I say C snail venom? Does that make more sense? Ooh, C snail venom. There you go. And do you say anything besides black mama, I'm gonna interrupt that make more sense? Ooh, C snail venom. There you go. And if you say anything besides black mamba, I'm going to interrupt an in character and be like, that's weird.

You should, that would be great action. And then you spray him. Spray him with the venom and he dies. I get the beef jerky one. Of course you do. I know. I know. I can't help it.

I should be famous, not you. You live like a homeless person. That's a perfect food for flying smoked meat. In public. High protein. High protein, exactly. No thought, live in a society. Okay.

Goals, yoked, swole, keto, okay. Interest a shill, three. I think that when you have sinbed, not shush. Oh, really? Or it's the Mandela effect. It's one. Look at her. Damn, do we need to retake that?

Because Sam's written, no, because Sam's real. It is at its shakilodium. Yeah. Wait, what's the, what is the one with sinbed? Shazam is the fake one with sinbed. But that's not real. Yeah, but that's not really. Well really what Sinbad was in something though. No, no, we're not doing this. You did a whole suggestion. I needed to say on this.

I know. And I'm pretty sure we all agreed that Sinbad did do something. That that one's not I'm crazy. That was the one where I'm not. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2023. All rights reserved. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a ThetaStream LLC Copyright 2023. All rights reserved.