God Awful Movies - 417: To Die For

Episode Date: August 15, 2023

This week, John Schneider's done not hurting anybody... --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

We got to them waking up the next morning with her like cuddled in his lap Because you know John Schneider was like maybe we wake up naked in the bed And she was like do you remember what that guy said when you wanted to use his son in the scene? You are shooting my ball and doing both okay, okay How about sitting in an easy chair together? And she's like no reclined to though not They wake up and it's like, did we fall asleep in plank position together? Yes, right.

It's insane. It's like soaked to so lay position, like hang that nonsense. Not awful. Movie. Movie. Movie. Who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be atomic goals. Right. Right. Right. I'm your own snow illusions sitting 700 miles to my immediate left is my good friend. Heath. And right who you've already heard Heath. Welcome back.

Such a good move. It really was so happy. We we own this. We were just talking about this before we turn on the court. We own this movie and I will be watching it again and again and again. It's that good. At least annually. I saved it to my phone's camera roll. That's how much. At least annually. I saved it to my phone's camera roll. That's how much I care about it. Is I saved it to my, I screen recorded it with my phone while I slept, lest it be lost to time like the library of Alexandria.

Yeah, no, this one's going on the pantheon for absolute certain. Of course, sitting 900 miles to my northeast and you've already heard him as well is my bad friend Eli Bosnick. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? The band is back together, baby. Yeah, it's been a minute. So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched to die for. And I'm going to let the writer slash director slash star slash also country music star, John Schneider. Tell you what his art is all about. Oh God.

Oh, quote, meat, gunnery, sergeant, quint North. Come on. The character's name is Quint North. A creature of habit and discipline, the current PC world and patriots are the enemy of progress mentality makes no sense to him at all. The propensity of athletes taking a knee and disrespecting not only this great country, but also those who gave their lives protecting it makes even less.

But what can one man do to fight the intentional decay of the greatest country the world has ever known? Speak out. The fight, the intentional decay of the greatest country the world has ever known, speak out, live a patriotic example. And if necessary, die for his flag. Why? Because she is worth it. Wait, there's more.

Warning. This movie is intensely patriotic. Intense. It's it. This is. I mean, it is. Triple X level of patriotic. It's it's it's it. This is. I mean, it is triple X level of patriotic. No, it is. It is. It is. It is.

It lives up to that patriotic guidance. It's a graphically patriotic. Be careful with this level of patriotism. Mm-hmm. This movie is intensely patriotic. If patriotism and love of country offend you in any way, watch this film, then move somewhere else. And the tagline is go back where you came from my fucking literally yes.

Yes. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love reading the text that got Tucker Carlson fired, I do, but you wish they contained the artistry and uvra of a film school freshman's first attempt at John Wick made in a retirement home. You will love this movie. Oh, talk about welcoming a guy back from vacation, right? This is how a white man fights is making this movie.

Look at this. So accurate. This is how a white man fights though. It is. Yes. All right, so there's anything you want to nominate. This would be the best of being the worst at. Yeah, I'm going to go with best worst promotional photo.

Yes. I've pasted it into notes. This is a still from the movie that John Schneider chose on purpose to represent the movie promotionally. And it's a picture of him. And he is very clearly, well, it's him, but you don't know that this is, if you didn't know this was John Schneider, you look at this, you're like, okay, the man outside the bus station is fucking an American flag and I have to walk around him now. Gary Bucy's grandmother has

really lost it. Yes. Right. That's what I would think. And has lost it with a giant American flag penis. If you went through this movie, trying to find the least flattering still, you could not have done better. He did it for you. I am 100% certain his real penis is inside this flag for this picture. No question. There's no chance that's not true.

Mm-hmm. Okay, so I was gonna go with best worst workout, right? So easy, obvious. Yeah, right, right. So twice in this movie, we will watch this character workout. And I'm not going to ruin it yet, but the jingoism with which he works. And like, you could not possibly imagine enough jingoism in his workout. It will exceed your expectations, no matter how high you set those expectations. It's too broad to be a joke.

Yes. If we wrote it as a sketch, we'd be like, let's take it back a little bit. I think this is just too wide. You were overdoing it at this point. Yeah. So exaggerated that it can get. It's okay.

And then God, there's so much, but I'm gonna go with best worst understanding. And let me explain what I mean. Okay. So as Heath just read in that truly incredible paragraph that fucking John Schneider wrote for this movie, when he says die for the flag, most people know that's a metaphor, which means die for your country.

Yes, he does not understand that. He means his sexual partner, the physical piece of cloth, piece of cloth that he loves. The flag around his penis called the flag. What's so funny is the flag code, which I assume John Schneider has tattooed to his taint, has a section for idiots like John Schneider where they're like, hey, by the way, this is just a piece of cloth. Do not die for this. Yes, cloth, John Schneider where they're like, hey, by the way, this is just a piece of cloth. Do not die for this. Yes, cloth.

Right. Right. You do whatever you have to do. It's just a piece of cloth. And John Schneider was like, I get it. It's a test. Wink. Yeah.

And we're that it has my literal name on it. That's pretty cool. They, but no, okay. I'll, I'm gonna do it. This movie is like if he died trying to save the life of the Wool Daxian Missile. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha to die for. Hi, typical wine store. How may I ignore you? Yeah.

Is there a reason why so much of the store is all dusty? Yes, our wines are very fine. Okay. And dusting ruins the wine? Yes, let's go with that. Can I help you? Right. Yeah.

Sorry. So I've got a bunch of parties this summer and I want to bring a bottle of wine, but I'm tired of buying expensive wine that I don't even like. I say so you want first leaf wine club. Oh, what's first leaf wine club? First leaf makes it super easy to get personalized wine boxes delivered on your schedule. And since you get to choose today your shipment comes, you can go out and have all this summer fun without stressing about missing a delivery.

Wait, boxed wine? I thought that stuff was bad. Not boxed wines, they're boxes of wine. All you have to do is answer some quick questions about your likes and dislikes on their website, and their expert team will select a customized assortment of world-class wines based on your preferences. Wow, but isn't that pricey? Actually, everything on first leaf is priced lower

than what you'd pay in a wine store. Plus, every selection is backed by first leafs to 100% satisfaction guarantee. I do like the sound of that. To be sure that you've got great wine when you want it this summer, you've got to try first leaf. Just head over to tryfirstleaf.com-offel

to sign up and you'll get your first six hand curated bottles for just 44 95. Go to try first leaf dot com slash awful. That's T. R. Y. F. I. R. S T. L. E. A. F dot com slash awful to get your first six bottles for under eight dollars a bottle. Try first leaf dot com slash awful. All right, thanks. We just had to add a yellow shot to your purchase today. No. Yeah, you're a loss. Is it? No.

No. Right. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, Sir. Yes, Johnson, what is it? So, okay, you know how that new spy program we're working on uses metadata to capture terrorists? Sure, sure.

Well, so someone must have sat on a switch or something because over the weekend, instead of collecting terrorism words, it collected only the words people spoke through gridded teeth in the bathroom after losing a fight to their niece. Huh, that doesn't sound very helpful. No, it's not.

Anyway, so Wycombe has been using ChatGPT to work on his new spy thriller and he actually fed that data into ChatGPT so it spat out this. No, let me see that. To die for by John Schneider? Yeah, yeah, no John Schneider didn't write it, but we did, we called the Piggly Wiggly nearest house

and they said he's free, so we could make it into a movie. I don't know, this feels like making this movie is a pretty immoral way for us to make money. Well, didn't we want to sell heroin for the Taliban? Yes, Still though. No, you know, I got it. I got it. And we're back for the breakdown.

We're gonna open up on a series of logos accompanied by what I can only describe as the noise that truck nuts would make if they made a noise. I wrote my notes. Can logos have gay fear? Because if they can, these logos have gay fear because if they can, these logos have gay fear. And they made a noise like they were scared of, yeah, possibly the concept of gay people. And it was just like clearly John Schneider just naming things for his logo as fast as he could. And they're like, yeah, we can draw that. He was just like, Cowboys Superman, Diamond plating from a pickup truck, squinting a nail also like a Ted Nugent guitar.

And they're like, yeah, we got it. It's all that we got it. Yeah, when we walked in the door, we knew what you would want our love. You're going to look at it and we started sketching it. Yeah, you're going to keep fucking that flag for the whole meeting. Yeah.

So the song kicks in, right? And this is a song that it's just like, I live in a sheet of the town, and pretend it doesn't suck the song, right? I was so hoping someone would Google this song because I refused to touch my algorithm with this song, but it's like, that's why I was staying for the rare. It's tried that in a small town before it was cool.

Yeah, right, right. Yeah. I wrote in my notes, music note, gagging on America's cock wasn't quite enough for the beginning of this movie. Yeah. I wrote in my notes music note, gagging on America's cock wasn't quite enough for the beginning of this movie. Yeah. So yeah, and this fucking jingoism song is accompanied by John Schneider reverently putting out his flag in the morning. 90 seconds. Who had 90 seconds for the first time? I think like that might not be the winner of all our going to be, but it's close. I had the under. Yeah.

Yeah. The under is a reasonable bet on that. So he puts up his, his flag and then he salutes it reverently while holding back a cheer. Now we think at this point that this is the flag outside of his home or his place of business, but no, this is on his fucking car. His car, it's not even a truck. Nope. It's fucking. It's not even a truck. Nope. It's fucking hell. He's driving the fucking mullet of cars. Literally the thing that's called the moment of car trucks or whatever

you want to call that thing. And he's got a 25 foot flag pole projecting off the back of the bed of this El Camino. And yeah, he's strapping up his American flag with zip ties that he owns from January 6th. Right. The ones he didn't use to kidnap Gretchen Whitmer. Yeah. Right. The ones he tried. He was really hoping to use those on Nancy Pelosi, but now he's using them on his flag violation of flag code, by the way, in case anyone would understand.

Oh, he's constantly violates flag code in this movie. I'm just saying, like if I know know it's a guy who dies for flag Code at the end. Who is that matter? How specific is the flag code like it's so very specific. It does it like exhaustively list the rules against because I Feel like I'm gonna get creative if it doesn't. Oh, he this is your calling. Yeah, all those board games were chasing for. I packed the shit out of the flag, though. Just like, like, perform this in front of John Schneider's house every day. I get a free day.

Also, this is such a stupid small moment, but I have to point it out. Just so you understand what we're dealing with here, right? So he gets a phone call. He answers with his name, rank, and fucking serial number or whatever when he was in the military. And then he's like, I told you, I don't wanna buy cable TV, any hangs up. So this movie is so antiquated,

it doesn't even know what technology one would resist at this point in history, right? The guy might as well be trying to sell him a fucking set of encyclopedias. Yeah, the target audience for this movie is people who yell at telemarketers because they think the people calling are aware whether or not you've spoken to a different telemarketers.

Yes, yeah. Well, right, and then he yells at the kid who delivers this fucking newspaper. I'm like, we're three minutes into this movie and he's yelled at two service workers trying to do their fucking jobs. I want this guy to get dragged into industrial machinery by a fucking shame.

Also, he doesn't want to buy cable TV, but he's paying for a landline phone. And he has a cell. Like by itself. Yeah, we're going to find out. He also has a cell phone. Yes, he's paying like $200 a month, just for real. Right. Right. They're begging him to take the cheaper package. If he got cable, it would be like $30 for the two bundled.

Right. Right. So, and then he gets his newspaper and we see the headline, the front page headline, and that fell up. Plod's high school QB for taking a knee at Friday's game. That's, I guess the inciting incident or whatever. Ah, guess. It's tough to say with this one.

Yeah. Early onset dimension, not enough mental health care for boomers, I guess. Well, that's the, it's like, you're really, really. Yeah. Oh, we should point out too that he has a dog, his dog's name is glory, right? Okay.

Okay. Like a flag. The flag's name is old glory, is that what they're, right? Okay, okay. Like a flag. The flag's name is old glory. Is that what they're going for? Yeah, exactly. I will admit, I may have just been reaching, but do you feel like glory is doing a bit in this movie? Like I feel whenever she's on the screen,

she's like, this fucking idiot. Oh, glory, the dog in the dog is somehow geniusly roasting this movie throughout this movie every time we get a shot of the dog. Okay, I'm glad it wasn't just me because I really felt her performance in this, you know, and I didn't want to be my own thing. No, the dog, the dog definitely liked it. I like the dog was like inventing good, useful new slur words for white people constantly. That was what was in this dog's heart for sure. So, yeah. So he drives away. This is where we first realized that that goddamn flagpole

was on the back of his car, right? So we all had that moment. All of us went mad in our notes like we saw the coutuloo. Yeah. Right. And then we get, apparently, this is his daily routine. He puts up his big flag and then he drives through the, the turnaround at the high school, the local high school, blaring patriotic music through speakers that are mounted on the outside of his car. Yes. Literally the national anthem in this moment. Yeah.

Speakers facing out from the bed of your El Camino and a 25 foot pole holding a mark like, like, I know you're not supposed to ever, you know, just murder people. But like, is this not a self defense scenario now? If somebody was driving that rig, I am scared for my life. I should be allowed to murder you. I feel like, I know that's a true, but I feel like you should, right? You kill that guy. Your only defense you need is ladies and gentlemen of the jury.

That. And then nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. They can't, they can't. Look, he's right there. He's fucking a flag. He's dead. So that we head over to a cemetery to visit his tragic back story. This is the first time in the movie

that I realized a insane number of scenes were going to be green screened. Yeah. Like scenes were like so much. There's no reason for it because we see him in this graveyard and then we see him green screened into this graveyard. Mm-hmm.

I think it's because I have a theory. I think it's that reality was unwilling to sign the release for this film. Oh, look, I'm pretty sure he had to green screen himself onto his own portrait one point. Yeah, something. It's the best. It's so fucking weird.

And that's the only place he was allowed to shoot. He went all over the place trying to get shots and he got kicked out of every restaurant. So they have to green screen just the background for restaurant at one point. It's so good. Oh, you know, that's honestly probably correct on a lot of this is a lot of places probably let him use their facility and they're like, Oh, we didn't know what you were filming here. No, you can't. Oh, man. I had to see movie. Yeah. Right. Right. And then he just took the still shots that

he still had. That's amazing. That's probably what happened. So he talks to this grave. This is his dead wife and is very tragic and apparently he's got a dead kid to or whatever. He doesn't just talk to the dead wife's grave. He engages in a very aggressive, long, wet kiss, open mouth, wet kiss. It was almost handling us. The gravestone. Yeah. Where's that Norton when you need him? Wow. Kurt, American history. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So the phone call, though, is the doctor saying, Hey, man, the next scene is you at the doctor's office. He's like, well, this ever come back. He's like, only in the dumbest way possible. He's like, oh, I'd buy better right over there.

So it goes over to the world's echoeyest doctor's office. Right. Now this will start a trend in this movie where each new scene will be shot and recorded with an even worse microphone than the last one, as though they're trying to drive me insane slowly. Yeah. And every building is more and

more made of like corrugated tin somehow. And it's so crazy. The noise as we get the last scene, the mic is on the lady who threw King Arthur the sword and he's inside a tin foil ball. Right. Really. We're working up to that. And I should point out this is also the tradition of the movie, which is it this movie has no direction. It has basically no plot. The scenes will just be led by John Schneider going, you know who else I'd like to give a piece of my mind. Yes.

And now it's doctors, doctors are the right because the doctors like, well, so you know, how's your health? He's like, well, I drink a lot of beer and I smoke a lot of cigarettes and I don't give it damn. And he's like, well, why are you even here then? Yeah. You don't have to be, like you're not required by law to be here. Yeah, he even refuses to get the medical results

from the doctor that apparently the doctor did. Yeah. So he just like went there as a prank to be like, no, go fuck yourself. I made you do a thing. I don't want to know. I don't want to know. I'm smoking right now. Yeah, he's like, I don't got no need for no medical results, but we'll behave throughout the rest

of the movie as though he was diagnosed with stage 37 cancer. Yes. Right. Which he wasn't. I just spoil or alert right there. Oh, okay. Well, if we're gonna spoil it, can we talk about it? Because it's fucking insane. Because he spends the rest of the movie being like, I don't know how much time I've got left on this earth. And then towards the end of the movie, they're just gonna be like, you're actually totally fine. It's perfectly healthy. There is no cancer. That's why I should.

No, but I don't know how much time I have left on this earth. I'm just gonna admit, I'm just correcting this. I'm allowed to act like this until you give me a clean beer. You all are being weird for interpreting that even though I said it very honestly every time. So, and we should also point out that for the first like third of this movie, every person that he meets that he comes across, he'll ask him, at the end, hey, you're going to vote aren't you?

You know, and they'll either say yes, or like this doctor, he'll say like, well, you know, there's just no point, you know, what's what would even be the purpose? Right. And then he says, that's what they want you to think. And first of all, he means Jews. Second of all, if you ever consider not voting for Joseph Elizabeth Biden, know that John Schneider will be voting for whoever Joe Biden runs against. Don't vote for Joe Biden. Vote against John. This is all we ask you on this program. Also, if by some insane chance a Republican is listening right now, you should not even bother voting. They're like that. He's right. I think you should add to you. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no add you. No, obviously, you're voting. You're voting. You're voting.

You're voting. You're voting. You're voting. Absolutely. No. So just don't bother. You should vote for our side to double bluff us. Then we'll accidentally count it.

And I'll take him. Check out Jill Stein. So that we cut to a diner where he's having his morning breakfast with a couple of cops. There's a point here where the waitress shows up at the table and she's like, y'all vaccinated, right? I'm kidding. We murdered people with our stupid. We have fun here.

We don't do vaccinated. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. The mortality rate of the South rose by about 150% over the last three years. Let me top off that coffee for you. So I'm statistically dead. This is like a Schradinger's cat type of thing in this time. And then the young attractive female cop asked him to tell some war stories. I'm like, God, this couldn't be more old conservative guy porn. If we were

just slowly rolling extension cords correctly or something. God. She just holds a flashlight exactly how he wants it. Yeah. Also, we should point out that almost all of these shots are green screened and none of the actors are actually in the same room as it's being filmed. No, this process ended with everyone having restraining orders against everyone else as well. The whole scene was insane. The editing, it felt like a ransom note of editing.

Like, right. Stock footage, diner shots of like different sizes, coffee, further away, pouring coffee, and just like little clips of that. And then just one shots for tiny bits of talking. It's so bad. Different microphones, different cameras, different backdrops, different qualities of green screen.

Oh, yeah. Every character is speaking through a different cities subway PA somehow in a most way each time. The mic king is so bad in the scene. It's terrible throughout the movie, but it's like crazy in this scene. And of course, we have to talk about this because there's gonna be like 17 scenes about it. She orders a vanilla latte. The lady, the young cop,

because they don't even know how coffee works kids these days. Yep. Latte with milk in it. Ugh. So then. Why is the diner offering that if they want a shit on it, though?

I don't understand. Like, why is their country din-diner serving that bullshit? That's their fault. Well, actually, if you'll remember, they're not, because she's like, I had to have been on a lot, and she's like, you don't want my spit coffee. This, I don't have you know that the coffee that's been at the bottom of this pot

has been at the bottom of this pot for 14 months. 17 and a half, yeah. So, but just then, his dog out in the car starts barking to warn him that the flag on the back of his car has been disrespected, right? So he runs out to take care of it. Here's what we see. He runs out. His flag is on the ground, right? His flag pull is broken. His flag is on the ground. And he says, and I quote, I'm going to kill that damn Indian. I'm gonna kill that damn Indian.

Indian. Yes. Okay, so best case scenario here. He is now planning to murder a person from India. Best case. Right. And that's not it. Good news, not best case. There's no one's happening.

I literally, I wondered like, well, first of all, I will be getting a refund for this film. And one of the ways you can get a refund is hate speech. And I was like, I'll just do Native American hate speech, right? That's a fucking slam dunker. Right. Yeah. Throughout. So yeah. So he drives up. And then this is just incredibly lazy and pointless moment where one cop turns to the other and says, He sure has a medal of honor, huh? Yes, he does hell of a protagonist So he's driving around muttering about killing Indians when he notices he's almost out of gas So we have this very important stopping for gas seen at the old time e gas station time e gas station. I hate everybody.

We had a gas turn my hate crime. Thanks Biden and like literally thanks. But literally. I never let go Brandon in this. Yes. Yeah. Like I wrote that it's joke. Two seconds later.

He tries to order a black coffee at the fucking gas station for some reason. And he's like, I thought black coffee mattered. Like, it is as though fate were going to deliver a be hooded John Schneider in the other room of my house and present me with a gun with a single bullet just by watching this movie. I was going through some kind of fucking John born test, Jason born. So yeah, when he did the Let's Go brand in line, I wrote my notes, it's like this is just revenge

for against us for making fun of what Jesus did, right? Like if you've heard that episode, he's like, you know who'd watch it? Yeah, but in this scene, he tries a lot, he's like, I wanna try a latte and see what that's all about and they give him a latte and it's gross and he doesn't like it. They give it to him in a fucking ceramic mug. The gas station does with honey in it, which was kind of insane. Oh god, he orders his coffee. This guy will

spend a non zero percent of this movie shitting on anyone's coffee order. And the way he takes his coffee is with honey. What the fuck is that with honey? Yeah. So then he so he gets his latte, doesn't like it, gets his gas, bitches about Joe Biden. And then he goes to kill that Indian presumably who is a Hispanic guy that lives across the street from him, apparently. Yeah. Okay, but just quick second before he gets there, he makes sure to do a quick little banter about how his penis is definitely quite large according to all the actors in the movie he wrote. Yes.

The size of his penis will come up in a positive way, numerous times four times four. Four. Oh, I can think of three. I thought it was more of four. I mean, we was a massive cock. All right, because of the gun one. Yep. Yep. Yep. Big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big at least in the, in the film, right? So his name is Wes Beaverton. Yes.

That's what John Shrenner thought of. Yep. Let me ask you a question. Is it a good thing that they didn't make a Native American be in this movie, or is it a bad thing that they had a Hispanic person play a Native American so they could say racist shit to him without him as a reflex choking John Trident. This is my canondrum. It's bad what they did and didn't do some of them. Yeah, so now what we're supposed to believe in the movie is that this is the guy that knocked down his flag because this guy hates the American flag so much.

We didn't see him do that, right? So what we see is that his flag got knocked over John Schneider, blamed this guy for it and then went and did donuts in his yard about it. Right. Darsly, he just drives up under this guy's lawn and has were approaching this guy's lawn, this guy who is Native American. Of course, there's like, what, don't you think this is Native American music playing out of nowhere?

Yeah, no, it might as well be that racist thing that Atlanta Braves fans do. Yeah, Tiger Lily might as well step out of the house and be like, little much, John, little much. Okay, but it's Massage Room porn that he thinks is American music somehow, which is very interesting. One of several sexual lessons we learn about John Schneider in this movie. Interesting. Right.

So he gets home and there's a knock on the door. It's just as spatially confusing from our perspective listeners. And it's the cops. They're there to see him about the donuts that he turned in his neighbor's yard. So they have like a one second response time, which is good, you know, right? That's nice. Or they just hang out in front of Quint House because he will constantly commit crimes throughout this movie.

All right. Right. But the cops tell him that if he agrees to fix the liberal neighbor's yard, he won't press charges. So like we all had this moment where we were like, wait, is the plot that he was sentenced to be a butler? Is that really where we're going? Right.

Almost. Landscaper. Yeah. Yeah. And so West is like, yeah, he can be my landscaper and I won't press charges. And then John, Quint is his name. Quint's North. Mm-hmm Shnack Quint is his name. Yes, North. Mm-hmm.

Fuck it. What is that? It's like John Quincy Adams and Oliver North. What is he going for? Quint from Jaws. Who the fuck knows? I refuse to spend any time inside. John Schneider's mind.

Okay. Whatever John Schneider is like, I'll grow you some fucking corn. Maze, stupid, just a staple crop. In front of the cops. Goat eats corn anymore. He's just calling him sl crop in front of the cookies corn anymore. He's just calling him slurs in front of the cops and the cops are like, yep, good conversation. Yeah, a little back and forth. They're a little banter. One of the cops being a person of color, a black man.

Yep. And I was just dying for like the next neighbor feud to be with a black guy and watch this cop deal with John Schneider, hurling his new round of slurs. Oh, no, we don't get any of that. Yeah. Yes, yes, we have to live through the movie. Now, and we should put out as dumb as this, you know, well, now you have to be this guy's landscaper thing is that he says, no, John Schneider's like, no, I'm not going to fix this long. He's like, oh, well, I guess this will never come up again in the movie in any fucking way. Yeah, because every time John Schneider says no to the law, because John Schneider wrote

this movie, the cops just go, well, his name is written in lower case on his drivers license. That's nothing. Right, right. Right. Nuggie, get out of here. Hate crime. So that night, we're going to get my best worse.

We cut into him jumping rope. We're all rooting for a coronary, but no, this is going to be his workout montage. Now, while he's working out, we will hear him whisper, telly, Savala Singh, the national anthem in his ASMR voice. Yep. A very sexual whispering. This is another sexual lesson we get. Yeah. Oh, yeah. He knows a lot off the top of his head, sexy poetry wise related to patriotism of some sort, especially America. The flag. He's got a lot of America poems in the in the old film riding around in there. And okay, did you not get like a jingoist cape fear vibe from this whole thing. Oh, the obvious. He's doing the pull ups. He's, he's De Niro, but it's instead of like love and hate, it's like Brandon and Maga

or whatever the fuck. Yeah. So much less like it. Well, then Robert De Niro and Cape Fear. Oh, yeah. I'd like to apologize to whatever that character's name is. Also, I just, I have to point this out because it's so silly. And one place doing pull ups and we're like doing this super close up on the tiny little

Boo Boo. He got on this knuckle so that he can say yeah, I bleed from my work Bleed from my country and from my flag. Do you mean the literal piece of cloth? I mean the literal piece of cloth trying to punch this heavy bag But it's will winp you little old man He gets tired so fast It's the best. He's like, 023. Oh, God, I threw up and shat myself and died. We watch him hug the bag.

He did watch me. I need the raffle coming and break us up. Break, break, break. Yeah. Break yourself from the bag there. He tries to do pushups for a second and he had to call in a stunt. Push up guy. Yeah. He tried to do pushups for a second and he had to call him a stunt pushup guy. Yeah. Yeah. He wanted to have some. And then the show like just his face doing half a pushup.

And a different cut is pretty good. And the whole time he's like, my country, tears of the sweet land of whatever he's not exaggerating. No, exactly. What happened? Exactly what happened. So, and then in case you didn't hate him enough, he starts giving his dog booze. Yeah. Oh, fuck this guy. Also he's drinking tequila from Mexico because he hates America. He hates Leroy.

He's a better American. If he loved America, he might try some sparkle dark. Yeah, right? Got to get sparkle donkey to Keela. Pretty sure. How many Jews died in 9, 11? That's it. That one's for free, sparkle donkey.

That one's for free. You're welcome. There you go. So then we got to his fucking Vietnam flashback. And this is amazing, right? Because this is obviously shot in his backyard. And they're like, he's like, no, there's a CPF filter. It'll look just like Vietnam.

It'll look just like saving private Ryan. Don't worry guys. John Schneider was five years old when we entered Vietnam. Yeah. You're a Gulf War veteran. Just do Gulf War. What do you do? I understand.

He didn't have a beach close enough to him that he could do with Gulf War. Also, hey, you know what's awesome when you buy a gun sound effects, but you're an idiot, so you bought laser. So it's like, so dumb. It's so obviously just fucking video game noises, right? Because they have like you hear a guy screaming in the background, but then you hear the same

guy giving the same scream like eight seconds later. And we see the flashback to him having to kill his buddy and not right before he gets captured. Yeah. And John Schneider is like, it's all right. He screams like a like a washer woman seeing a mouse while he shoots him in the head. I feel like, I feel like you'd be like, okay, you kind of ruined it with your weird. Yeah, no, I don't want to be shot anymore for you, not my you. Can someone call me? Shoot me, please? You miss by a lot. Excuse me, Mr. VC. Yeah, right.

I don't know what to say. Can you kill him and capture me, please? And also by the way, the gun he's using would have looked at an agronistic in any hand younger than Doc fucking holidays. But now they have to end the scene before he fires the gun at his buddy because they didn't have firing gun budget Apparently, no, no, they did not so he's woken up from his from his flashback by a knock on his door It's his young beautiful daughter

So he's gonna have breakfast with her now this actor that plays the daughter She will deliver every single line that she delivers in this movie as though she thought the sentence was over But then she turned the page and there was more of it, right? Yeah. When you said like she thought the same, I assumed like she was sentenced to be in this movie. Like she robbed the L and they were like, you know what? To teach you the value of a boomer, you have to make a movie for one.

Look up her IMDP page. It's the saddest fucking thing you'll ever. Oh my God IMDP pages. The status fuck thing. Oh my God. I can't. I can't. Anyways, she's there because she's the town's lawyer. Yes. Yes.

Uh-huh. She is a lawyer that works for the city. Well, she's there to warn him that the school wants to take out a restraining order against him so that he'll stop, you know, driving through their parking a lot during school hours, blaring music loudly with speakers mounted on the outside of his car. And he, and I cannot emphasize this enough, literally has no understanding of why someone would not want him to do that. Right. Not only does he not, but the whole movie is predicated on the idea that there is no logical reason why someone would want him to not do that. And it's predicated on the idea that a public school in Louisiana was going to try to persecute

the white guy with the American flag on his community order against him for having a flag in the school zone. Well, and also let's not, like, come on man, because the daughter's like, well, you know, a lot of people find that flag offensive of them. It's the American flag, motherfucker. Why don't you just have the guts to admit which flag on your car people are offended by guy

from dukes of fucking hazard? Right, exactly. Yeah, right, I literally, I wrote, just be honest and do this movie about the Confederate flag. Like why are you two, that's what, that's what this is about. Yeah, right. I literally, I wrote, just be honest and do this movie about the Confederate flag. Yeah. That's what, that's what this is about. Yeah, just do it. This movie would make sense if it was about the Confederate flag, but he couldn't not write

a line where someone was like, well, that was because of slavery. And his character was like, scoop it, beam it up. Yeah, but I'm racist. So I don't care. Yeah. Here's one of the things he says about that flag. Here's what he says. He says that flag. He's one of the things he says about that flag. Here's what he says. He says that flag.

He's talking about the American fucking flag is about everyone who has ever been or ever will be to much dribbly untrue. No, it is the flag of America. Very limited in scope. Also, I have to point this out at one point in this scene, a fly flies into the actresses eye playing as daughter and they just keep it. Keep it. Why would you possibly cut anything from this movie? That would take the ability to say that wasn't as good as the rest of this movie. The right, right. Yeah. No, that's fair.

So then he barges into the school that just issued a restraining order against him to demand an explanation of the restraining order. Seriously, smash through the front door. Why the fuck would you need a restraining order against me? What are you doing? Are you serious? I'm not slamming his hand on desk. And he, it's like he's been following bad universe scathing atheists because he's like, why would you forbid me from driving around the school, menacing it with the

national anthem? And they're like, no, you don't understand. Nobody is allowed to drive around the school playing their favorite song with their favorite flag. And he was like, but I want, I want to, though, she's like, no, it's, it's, but it's my favorite. Like, is not anybody's favorite? Right. Exactly. Are you also a non functional alcoholic from earlier in the movie? We know that and you're driving around next to a school all the time. Right. Maybe don't do that. Also, regardless of all the other stuff. So, and then he demands to know why the quarterback for the school would take a need during the national

anthem. And I was thinking to myself, like, well, practice when he thinks of the American flag, he thinks of assholes like you. Yeah. Right? Like, you're the problem the movie is complaining about. Yeah. And then, then they introduced a couple more insane things about this public school in Louisiana.

Mm-hmm. One is that they don't do the, they banned the pledge of allegiance at the school. 15 years ago, right? Yes. We haven't done the pledge in 30 years. Yeah. Nonsense. And they completely got rid of all their American flags at this school. They do not ever fly flags.

Nope. And this public school in Louisiana, get out of here. Yes. And just as you're trying to recover from that line, we have the moment where like the school principal shame facially admits that she did in fact get the COVID vaccine. Like she's saying she molests the kids. Yeah. So, yeah, she's like, no, I had to get the vaccine because it's just like the Holocaust.

Right. No, it's like that. Yeah. Only you have the bravery required to hold out. Do they have a museum about that? We could go. I don't know. All right.

Well, to go any lower than this, you need special pressure suits and this movie has a lot lower to go. So we're gonna pause to don those real quick, but when we come back, we'll dive into even more to die for. Tsk, tsk, tsk. That'll be $44.

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these eggs after all. Well, that depends. Are you an ammonite? Uh, no. Oh, good. I'm allowed to ask that now. No, I know you are, man, I know. Supreme court.

Mm-hmm. And so that's why you can't drive around the school playing the national anthem anymore. Let me ask you something. You take the shot. The vaccine, yeah, I did. Huh, I wish people cared a bit more about freedom than their damn reputations in this town.

Right, yeah. So how's your health? My health is my damn business, thank you. Oh, cool. So you don't use hospitals at all? Sorry, what? Oh, no, you just gave a super dismissive answer about your health.

So I just wanna be clear that you're not gonna treat your body terribly your whole life, acting as though you're too tough to care about it. And then in the last years of your life, suck up a whole bunch of medical resources when the stakes become real to you all of a sudden. Well, I just, you see, because if you're a certified badass who wants to die choking on bile in your house, I'm not going to stop you. But if you're going to refuse the free medicine, I just want to make sure you aren't going

to use up all the very, very expensive medicine as a result. Oh, I'm kind of a metaphor for conservatism, aren't I? Jerk went. Jerk. And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with the two cop friends practicing up at the bear arms gun range. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, they're shooting range scene. It's kind of ruined by the fact that they're still using that laser gun sound effects pack. So every time they shoot, it's like, Pucku, Pucku. Dude, the guy cop actually is making Pukachu noises with his fucking mouth when he shoots his gun. Because they're not actually firing the gun, right? They're just putting like a little muzzle flare on it and after effects, but he's just got it. Because they're not actually firing the gun right there, just putting like a little muzzle flare on it and, and after effects, but he's just got the camera guy or the director

was like, you're doing it again. You're still doing it. You're still doing it. No, I didn't hear anything. So, yeah. John Schneider was like, look, I get it. I sometimes I pursue, but you just like with my fingers like this is the most possible thing, but got just like with my fingers like this is the most possible thing, but gotta do it.

We get this verbatim exchange. The lady cop says, what are we gonna do about quit? And the man cop goes, I don't know what we're gonna do about quits. We should gun down that amazing American Patriot hero with a large penis using a fascism power. Tough call. I don't know. That's the plot of our movie now, though. We'll find out. So we cut to quint that night. He's sadly watching his cable list TV. Somehow I don't even fucking know how you do that. And I wrote my notes at this point. I'm like, okay, wait. So he's a sad sack that sits around all night drinking to the TV, but also does fucking one armed pushups every night while whispering jingoistic poems like pick a cliche.

He's got a schedule. We have first half of the night every third Thursday is drinking in front of the TV night. And then if the TV had just gone to color bars and like, like, that would actually be pretty funny. So you're watching the bills pretty funny. So here's the watch. The middle of the night. Yeah. So then, okay. So the next morning he does his flag routine again, but this time he accidentally knocks over his favorite coffee mug.

This will never come up again in the movie. But it will spend like a minute and a half looking at it. The dog will look at it like, Yeah, the dog wine. Yeah. It is as though, again, everything in this movie is motivated by John Schneider going in another thing. And he's got another thing I'm not going back off and cut this morning. That's going to make you fucking movie.

I love that cup. It was not too big that it hurt my tummy, not too small. That didn't get enough. Can't be perfect it was perfect. Perfect, I say. So then, so we cut back to you. It's the next day he's having breakfast with the cops at the diner again.

They're talking about the importance of driving in front of the school while blaring music at it. Well, hoisting a flag 25 feet in the air, right? Yes, in this conversation, he says, patriotism isn't subjective. And I wrote my notes, it literally depends on what country you are from. Patriotic. Are you about Argentina, John? What the fuck are you talking about? Yes. No, he says some things are not

subjective. And I was like, correct. And whatever you say next is going to be objectively wrong. And then he's like, correct. Hey, three, it is. I was like, yep, there it is. No, that's he up. Yeah, exactly. No, he's like, something's heard subject him again. And that's we wouldn't have the word subjective if all things.

She's, what the, anyway, yeah. So they warned him not to flag his way around the damn school anymore. So we cut to him flagging his way around the damn school some more. Mm hmm. Right? And big, this cut, this movie is so stupidly written. A different cop pulls him over. Right? This is big Mac. We have to introduce a third cop into the movie for no fucking reason. Let's give credit where creditors do big Mac. This actor managed to act in this movie without stopping his candy crush game. The entire time.

Cause it's, it's the opening scene you see him playing video games and you're like, ah, yes, the lazy security officer at the school. But no, for the rest of the film, whenever he's talking to John Schneider, he'll be like, uh, sprinkly bomb. Yeah. No, you understand freedom in a way that we never would. Yeah. So it's so blues. He pulls him over. you understand freedom in a way that we never would. Yeah. So it's so blues. He posted over and he says,

Hey, you know, the restraining order is not in effect yet. I'm just warning you that like if you do this after the restraining order goes into effect, it'll have consequences. And he's like, this movie could really use some fucking consequences. We're more than a third of the way through. Yeah. And he's like, you were in Baghdad because all soldiers have fucking smell where you served powers on each other apparently. And he's a great moment where he's like, you know, you just a fellow soldier and he's

like, first of all, I'm not a soldier anymore. And he's like, you're always a soldier. And I wrote my notes. No, literally not. Not literally always a soldier or something. Some things are not subjective and what that means. Is that you're not now. He's like, he's like, why would you do this to me? He's like, it's literally my job.

And he's like, some day you're gonna have to choose between your job and your country. And he's like, yeah, but not now. Not you're just some crazy old bastard harassing people while they try to get a high school education. Do you think you're the country? You're the opposite of the country. You know that because you're breaking the country's laws. It's you versus the country.

Right. Yeah. That's how the court still described it. We didn't even win Vietnam. We won the war. I was in in Baghdad. We have one now. I like that. I told you even win Vietnam. We won the war. I was in in Baghdad. We have one now when I said,

I told you to win wars. So he heads home and he racists said his neighbor some, right? And then that fucking need taking high school quarterback walks by. So Quint gives him a piece of his mind. Okay. Can we talk about the high school quarterback? The hundred and six pound quarter. Light slightly smaller than my three year old. It's a lot smaller than your three year old.

And John Schneider loses this conversation to him when this kid's replies are nuh uh. Yep. Right. At one point, he's like, hey man, it's not the fucking fourth of July. And John Schneider is like, it's always the fourth of July at my house. And he's like, you sound like an idiot. And he's like, I know. I wrote the script.

I how do I? Cause he like, let's keep in mind that he's like, he's heroically berating a 17 year old, right? This guy's in his fucking what, 60s, 70s. Yeah, he yells at a child walking, walking on the sidewalk. He yells at a child being like, fuck you, blood trader,

cause it's a white kid who kneels during the national anthem. I guarantee in the script, when John Schneider first wrote this, he was not picturing a white kid for this part, but yeah, somebody... Document to it. Yeah, no, he definitely asked the actor who plays the black copy, was like,

say, your son and he was like, I'll shoot you right in the face, John. I'll take these real guns. You gave us for your stupid movie and I'll shoot you in the eyeball. I'll hold it to your eyeball and fire the gun until my finger falls off. Also, as usual in the scene, the audio is terrible. And the kid is wearing a varsity jacket, but nobody who made this movie has a varsity jacket for any of you. it, but nobody who made this movie has a varsity jacket. Clearly, they have a, like a fake varsity jacket from road microphones.

And that is not a good product placement road microphones. Yeah, it's real proud of that moment. You don't want your name anywhere near this fucking movie. Yikes. And then in what I can only assume is an intentionally confusing cut, we go from him on his porch in the evening to him arriving to his porch in an evening, except now there's a person waiting on him. So it like in movie universe, it feels like he turned into a woman that's now waiting for himself on the board the board. It is so fucking jarring.

But at night, yes. And she, she is her, he has a big penis. She has, she mentions that. He's in the style. Almost exact words. She's like, I want to drink with you right now and sex your man penis, which is legendary in size. As we all know here in this universe.

And like, John Schneider wrote that all know here in this universe. And like John Schneider wrote that line. He wrote this. This got him. This woman is just like, all right. And I don't know. And he's so, this is the love interest. Yeah. But you would not know it from this scene because he's just a massive piece of shit to her, the entire movie, right? The first thing he has to say is you should quit smoking because when girl smoke, they taste like an a** tray, only manner allowed to smoke and you're waiting for the punchline to that. There's no punchline. That's just John Snyder's horrible sexist opinion. He wrote into his stupid fucking movie.

No, I'd be right, because there's no character arc here. This isn't like fucking Clint Eastwood at the beginning of Grand Trino, right? This is like he's not gonna eventually become less racist or less sexist or less horrible in this movie at all in any way. He will never change and in fact will several times out loud say it's a good thing I never changed and never will. Yes. Yes. Yep. That's the plot of the fucking movie. But she's like, well, I'm the love interest whether you like it or not.

So I'm drinking with you. He's like, fine damn. So she comes in and they drink together. And then we got to them waking up the next morning with her like cuddled in his lap. Mm-hmm. Because you know, John Schneider was like, maybe we wake up naked in the bed.

And she was like, do you remember what that guy said when you wanted to use his son in the scene? I should be not all until you make it. Okay. Okay. How about sitting in an easy chair together? And she's like, no, recline to though. No, they wake up and it was like, did we fall asleep in plank position together? It's's like, so lay position like a hand that nonsense. So, but there's a knock on the door. There's always a fucking knock on the door, right? So he's like, oh, you got to go out the back door.

I'm ashamed of you. So leave, right? And again, he will never change or grow. That's just a thing he does. Yep. In the fucking movie. And I just, I don't want to bum anybody out, but I do want to zoom out, right? Because like this movie is such an important view into the mind of a shitty man, right?

Because it's so clear, John Schneider was like, he's not a perfect guy, right? He's rough around the edges. And it's like, no, the character you have written is a massive, irredeemable piece of shit. Yes. He was just also written by a massive, irredeemable piece of shit. And the reason why they're all so surprised, their bedside is empty when they die,

is because they all thought they were rough around the edges, hard of golders, and they're not. They just suck. No, man. I'm just rough around the edges, hard of golders and they're not. They just suck. Nah man, I'm just rough around the edges, Jew. Did you hear it? Did you hear it? I'll tell you what, I'm gonna reach at your edges. I'm gonna go inwards.

You tell me where the person starts. You see my hands are touching. My hands are touching. It's just rough. It's rough all the way down, John Schneider. Yep, that's all you got. Pass me that flag. I'm gonna fuckider. Yep, that's all you got. Pass me that flag. I'm going to fuck it.

Yeah, so so he kicks her out. He answers the door. It's the daughter, right? The it's she's there to tell him that the restraining orders going through. And he tells her she should be ashamed of herself because he's just trying to celebrate America and she's not ashamed of herself enough. Right? He literally says, look, what's right and wrong in this world changes. just trying to celebrate America and she's not ashamed of herself enough. Right?

Literally says, look, what's right and wrong in this world changes. And I'm like, okay, and he's like, except for me. I'm right forever. I've never been incorrect and never will be. Heluk me. I, you know, I wrote my notes as long as I never change. I'm right. The boomer model.

Yeah. Jesus. And then he says this to her. And honestly, please, please tell me what the fuck this is from. He says to his daughter, if you're not careful, you'll wind up an unrecognizable corpse. That's the literal fucking line that that can only mean if you're not careful, I will mutilate your dead body Beyond recognition. Yes If you're not careful around like Hools of acid right industrial machinery. I don't liberals no fucking clue

I think that's just something that's been said to him so many times he thinks it's the same But she's like, hey, look, I have a lawyer friend who can help you with this upcoming thing, meet us at a restaurant. So we cut to a Mexican restaurant, but don't worry racistly. Right. We have the fucking cliche Mexican music as he shows up at this El Rio Grande restaurant. It was so that he can later say, how can it be racist if my character lacks tamales?

He lacks Mexican food. That's like the number one way you know someone's not racist. So he's talking to this lawyer who luckily is only has to be in this movie for two scenes. And the lawyer is trying to explain to him why laws are. The lawyers trying to explain to him why laws are. Well, and also just like how spatial geometry works in the universe. He's like, you can drive so many other places that aren't the high school to get to all the places that aren't the high school. You're describing it like you have to go through that little driveway. You get how you don't, right?

And he's like, Jew. Yep. That's the end of the explanation. No, his answer is actually so much dumber than Jew I have to talk about. It is amazing. Yes. I bought gas and gas buys me the right to drive down any road I want to. Literally no. Yeah, he must know that's not true. Well, I disagree that he must know that, you know, because no, because he's paying taxes on that gas dammit. And then taxes is what built them, damn road.

So he can drive down any road, chewing anything. I drive an El Camino. You don't talk to me. So yes, yes, he does own the road that he starts complaining about how they took the flag off the school yard because of a bunch of politically correct socialism Because of the economic theory Public school in Louisiana. Let's just keep that in mind. He says, don't California, my Louisiana. He does. Yikes. Okay. So I looked up some stats whenever he said that these were literally the first

three stats I looked up. Okay. Average income. California fifth Louisiana, 48th. This is a 50, of course. Best health care. California sixth Louisiana, 46. Oh, not great. Oh, they got better. Lowest infant mortality. California 2nd Louisiana 40 fucking night. Somebody please California, his Louisiana, my God for the sake of the children. Okay, but you know Louisiana was like we're ahead of West Virginia on killing babies. But yes. Yeah, five. And I'm gonna stay and put your name in my head. Jesus. And then I couldn't write a meaner thing about this character.

And then he's like, oh, I forgot my wallet. You have to pay for my food. Why? Why would you have your character do that? You complained about socialism for my food. Why? Why would you have your carrots? You're doing that. You complained about socialism two seconds ago, and now you're like, I'm so sorry. I would like a free lunch.

Yes. It's the ultimate boomer moment, right? I'm here to insult you and get my lunch paid for. Squintin' and anime. Yes. Right. He might as well destroy the table behind him so that no one else can ever.

So okay. So we cut to the courthouse because they think restraining orders have trials here. And his lawyer, John Schneider's lawyer apparently stopped smoking meth out of a monster energy drink can long enough to do an opening statement. Like this actor, come on, tell me this actor isn't actively smoking meth. Wow, acting. Somehow he's got an invisible vape of meth that's what we can't. Yes, absolutely. He looks like someone made a fucked-all out of Billy Bob Thornton's dead body. Right.

It's like a cannibal who forgot to keep eating because of the math habit. It feels right. Yeah, yeah. And we got him so jarringly, but then he's talking in lawyer talk. It's I laughed out loud for a while while this guy was. He was great. Then we cut to the judge. Now I honestly think that this is the greatest gam moment since Mike Lindell farted into

his voice modulator, guys. The judge has an earpiece in that is feeding his lines to him. Yep. And we can hear it. We can hear it. We can hear it. Yeah. We can hear it.

We can hear it. And so you're in the weird future where the guy finally says his lines and this monologue, John Schneider wrote for him, is insane. Look, we all agree, Mr. Quint is awesome and correct. And he has a very large penis, but my hands are tied by laws. He says laws discussed me. And I wrote, really, why are you a judge? He says he would like to jail every quote, every

flag burn and need taking enemy of the greatest country the world is ever known, but and and now I shall sing the entirety of it's a grand old flag. And again, we're hearing this through the earpiece the whole time ahead of it. So yeah, but, but, but the, but the judge does find that he's can't drive by this school anymore, even though the judge secretly agree or, but I guess publicly agrees with him. So then he tries off to sadly contemplate flags and a little sad black month. A flag. Mon. Tarz. This is so good. This is fucking John Schneider's E.

O. G. Ma. It's so. And but it's so sad because it's it's his E. O. G. Ma, but it's this tiny little flag at this moment that he's sticking into the ground. And in the background is a domino's very visible domino. Such a fucking.

And now I take my final stand outside of Domino's door number two to eight seven, just like the fallen troops would have liked like my coffee black, my quarterbacks, what and World War two, this is the same. So I think literally I would have rather lost a World War II. John Schneider, a grounding for his belief. I mean, the Asia part, we could we would have been fine without that, right? So, so then, but he plans this tiny little flag out in front of the school, right, where they used to buy a full size American flag. And then he pledges allegiance to it. We have a whole scene where he does the full

pledge of allegiance and salutes his tiny ass little flag. And then Big Mac the cop shows up to arrest him for illegal flag reverence. Guys, this movie is terrible and his beliefs are terrible. Is there a way to make this movie psychotically dangerous? Firearms probably. Well, yes, exactly. Let's arm the fucking fashion. Yeah, let's have a break in the law. Let's have this extremely drunk man who's been driving around next to a school, also have

a firearm and make jokes about it. Yeah, he's a real scamp about his unregistered firearm when fucking Big Mac is like, okay, you got to give me your gun because you're the definition of a person who shouldn't have a gun. He's like, you can take it, but I can't hand it over. It's superstition. And nobody in the movie is like, no, I'll fucking shoot you in the body till you die. You piece of shit. Right. The answer to that is stop resisting tasers. Yes. And now you, you take the guy. The

great answer to that is bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, I click the two, but yeah, exactly in this universe. Bang, bang, bang, bang. Oh, look at, you're taking a knee because I shot you, huh? I'm a black cop. This, back, back, back. Oh, look at you're taking a knee because I shot you, huh? Somebody, I'm a black cop. This is so much irony right now. Oh my God, this is great. This is great. I'm shooting you up into the torso.

Oh, this is great. But then they let him out of jail. I guess the chick that he kicked out the back door came and bailed him out. Yep. And this is when he has this big idea. He, like he sees notices him like white chalk or some paint or something on his fingers

and he's like, that's it. This is so stupid. Okay, I'm curious, I don't know for sure what happened here. It wasn't clear when I was watching. Now I've seen the whole movie and I'm still not sure. Did he get a little bit of chalk on his hand? Look at it and be like,

white is a color. What else is colors? Paint. Yup, it is. You connected the dots there, Jeff. That's it. Yeah, that's actually it. Jesus Christ.

And he actually, it's so good. He thought of something and then he says to himself, I wish I had thought of that. Yup. Nobody to himself. wish I had thought of that. Yeah, to nobody to himself. What he had thought of was, I know something that has photon reflection properties that's also available to me called paint nailed it.

Yeah, so okay. So first he goes to his liberal neighbor's house and he says, hey, I promise to stop flying my flag off of my car. If you promise not to like press charges against me for any of my many crimes against you. And he's like, yeah, I'll do that. And then he says to the character that again, it's supposed to be Native American. He says, Okay, I wouldn't, I want to make sure that you're not an Indian giver. Yeah. Yikes. God, I wanted West to just slowly wrestle him to the ground, sleep or hold him and be

like, Indian burn on your arm. So I'm going to do this forever now. What do you call it? You call it an Indian burn, right? Classic. This actor by the way, six degree black belt. Whoa. And Taser, you know, sure.

Sure, he really wanted to do that. I'll hit you with my car. Oh, West, the actor is. Yeah. Yeah. Nice. So, and we should point out like how incredibly, just almost like intentionally tone deaf it is to have the liberal in your movie

that hates the American flag, be a native American. Yes, right. Like this should be a metrosexual, right? This should be fucking Eli. Right. Oh, yeah, this should be the first thing that hates the flag, but it's a Native American who repeatedly says, no, man, it's because of the genocide. It represents a genocide against my people. And he's like, you suck. This is you wrote the movie, man. Again, just

you want an answer to why do you hate the flag to not win? Yes. When the other guy says the answer that he's gonna have, and his answer is like, well, mostly the genocide, the literal genocide probably, is why I hate it. And by the way, if you're wondering how John Schneider wins this argument, he's like, well, do you dress like an American? Or you dress like a Aguaga, woo, woo, woo, woo. And he's like, I dress in modern dress.

And he's like, ha, got it. Got it. Yes. America invented clothes. So you're an American. Right. Hunt a buffalo right now. Nope. You're white too slow.

What? Right. That's literally what he says. He says, do you dress like you're your ancestor to, do you hunt buffalo? And I'm like, do you wear a fucking suit of armor or the simple robes of a medieval goddamn monk?

No, then shut the fuck up. What the hell would that be about? Do you grab fucking rabbits? Then you're not really a European. What? Why don't you have a powdered wig and wooden teeth right now like your Russian. You fake. You're actually an Indian.

I think about it now. That is the dumbest argument that we've been presented on this show since fucking Kevin Sorbosus. What is what gives ISIS the right to cut off people's head? Yes. Since Matt Powell called Stephen Hawkingly R Slur. We really haven't seen. Yes. So okay. So the next morning, it's time to put his big photon reflecting plan in place. So he goes to the hardware store Right, and he goes to the he says to the hardware store guy's like give me the biggest flagpole you've got and amazing He says well, we don't have this cuz you know, we're a we're a store

But because this movie is so fucking stupid the actual line is quote If you want flag, go to the flag pole store. God. I wanted this owner to be like, Oh, no, we only carry fucking totem fire and stripper. So for flag. You gotta go to the store. So it's a flag store. Because we have Paul. No, it's a flag storm primarily that you're looking for that has the right pole. And then when I thought this movie couldn't get any fucking dumber, he's like, I need paint. And he's like, what colors do you need? And he says, he says podcasts. What does he say? You like, there's three colors, red, white and blue.

And I literally do not know if John Schneider knows there are colors. Other than lead light and blue. So we all show our, yeah, all our false apart. So then we cut to a modest porch painting a big giant flag on his house, which is amazing because then these colors run, right? I mean, that's the necessary result of that. But love interest happens by it. And I'm sorry to call her love interest. I don't think this character ever gets a name in any point in the movie. Leave that's correct. But she happens by it. She's like, ah, that looks great. It really

makes me want to fuck you with your giant penis. Mm-hmm. And then the quarterback kid walks by and it's like, that looks dumb. He looks stupid. This is terrifying. Did you think this was a win? You're an idiot. You painted your house to look like a flag.

And he's like, you are. Nope. You. I'll come back and say different lines I wrote for you in my movie. Can we all just agree though that this wall should be prosecuted? I'll come back and say different lines I wrote for you in my movie. Can we all just agree though that this wall should be prosecuted like this is a pre crime. Like I know my notary public should do that. But like this is a pre hate crime.

100% of people who have done this will do a hate crime afterwards unless they die right away. Even in this movie right because in this movie, he's going to do several hate crimes after that. That is sure he will. He does that he wrote himself in his movie. So, but the love interest is so impressed with his wall that she takes him to dinner at a fancy restaurant. And then we have this conversation again that he wrote for himself about how heroic he is. Okay, cause here's what happened. Here's what happened. Okay.

He showed this movie to an adult, maybe at a library and they were like, this guy's a piece of shit. And he was like, no, he's not. He's an anti hero and they were like, nope, he's just a piece of shit and he was like, I'm putting a scene in where someone just said, so you're the anti hero. That way no Jews at the library. So but yeah, but he explains he's not a hero or an anti hero. He's a patriot and she's like, we should move in.

I'm sorry. I've lost my mind. Maybe the rest of the review. I'm just going to be like, that's fair. You guys might have to do the happy left team. The second half, I'm going to go do the heavy left team, the second half. I'm the guy only had 416 and a half episodes in the episode. We get that anti hero line and then she's like, okay, well, not that, then what are you?

And I was like, he's going to say, I'm Jesus Christ of Nazareth right now. No, he said, I'm the patriot. And then they decide to move in together. Yes. Because according to him, we're both miserable and lonely people. So yeah, let's shack it up. Right. No, she's like, we should move in together.

You're not going to do any better than me at your age and you're like, yeah, fine. But he gets home and the neighbor is standing on his porch admiring his flag painting. So he gets his gun. So he drops his gun because he saw his neighbor standing. Yes. Yeah. And so we cut the neighbor on the porch. The neighbor at this point is literally quoting from one of the treaties that America violated during the genocide of his people under

his breath in this moment. And he's like, stop or I'll murder you. Yes. And he's like, follow that trail of tears right there off the property, motherfucker. I'm the count to three. It's terrifying. He pulls a gun and he says, like, get off my land. I'm going to shoot you. Yeah.

And then the cops show up. He's like, wait, who called you? He's like, we just hang out outside of your house. Like he says, you're just the worst. So we're always here. We just just too. All crimes are being done. And look at this. You're always within seconds of a hate crime matter. That's right. Everybody watching the movie has seen that that's true every time. Have you seen your fucking porch? Yeah. Watch if I walk away for five seconds. You'll

start to do another hate crime. Watch. Two. You have to fucking walk away though. because like, like during this conversation, John Schneider keeps pointing his gun at the neighbor saying, he's on my property. I'm going to kill him. By the way, you can't kill someone for being on your property. There is the castle doctrine, which is dangerous and stupid in a lot of fucking ways, but like, that doesn't count if they're in your yard. Yes. Yes.

Yeah. You know, the reason the movie keeps showing him stepping onto the yard is because that's what fucking John Steiner thinks fucking the castle doctrine is is that you can just like, I think there's a magic line of the property easements. Yeah. Right. And then murder is free on the other side of that line. Yep.

And the cops are like, look, we hate to say it, but technically, you're not allowed to threaten to murder someone. So we're going to take your gun away and give it back to you tomorrow. Yes. Yes. The way they treated my garbage pale kids in elementary school when I got out of hand is the way they're going to treat his deadly fire. Oh, also to be clear, every single person anything like John Schneider's character here owns 19 more guns right inside that house. Sure does.

They're taking away one gun. He's he could go get an automatic or an AR 15 for sure. Yep. Right inside that fucking door. So then we get, we get another workout, but like so clearly the dumb down version of the last one, because he like hurt himself for several days with that first montage where he did the heavy bag and everything. So now he's just like, you know, he's just doing an elliptical. And he's doing like a slam poetry recitation of the national anthem to himself.

He sure is. Yes, he sure is. Very sexual. Oh, there's another knock on the door. It takes him forever for like 40% of this movie is us waiting for him to answer his door. Yeah. Right. It's like calling heath, but in person because he again, as he was writing this, he was like, and then another thing about name man, you get out. And then he paused because he was like shit, time for a new scene, knock, knock, knock. And then there was a knock at the door. There it is. There's his scenes and his jokes.

I'll start this thing, you might guess. But yeah, but it's the neighbor. He's brought over a piece offering bottle of Jack Daniels. And and he's there to tell John Schneider that he's actually pretty impressed with his jingoism and his commitment to loving America. Yeah. Hey, podcast, Lister. Remember that joke he's made earlier in our fun comedy podcast about you're more of an Indian than I am. That is the actual line they wrote for a Mexican to say while pretending to be a Native American in this movie. The actual line is, well, your my people, more

than my people ever were. That's a line that John Schneider wrote for another actor to say about him. I didn't think I believed in words having the death penalty, but now I do. It knows in that order. No, this is West being like, yeah, I thought about what you said the other day. I have never killed a buffalo with a bow and arrow. And I went to the casino the other day. So I'm white and you're the Native American. You're better than me. That's the speech we get. Yeah, I have to give you my ethnicity because you've earned it more than I have. Not just more than me, more than anyone. Anyone, yes.

Yes, ever. Yes. You're the most Native American of all, of even the ones who shot Buffalo. Yes, yes, clearly that's what he's saying. There must be, this must fall under like pornography laws or something, right? You're gonna learn to fuck kids on film. We must have a law about helping these words.

It's a pure unfilm. So now, so we get him back in his grave, talking about that last scene, telling his dead wife that he's just trying to race us hard enough at the neighborhood, it's getting harder and harder. I for one feel like the cicada's fucking on the microphone just adds to the realism. BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! B Again, let the whole movie, it's just John Schneider doing an angry blog to himself, but then translated into a universe where he would have people to listen to him.

Yeah, except it's dead people in his imagined universe. Yeah. All right. Well, I'll tell you what, there's a lot to process here. So we're going to pause for another quick break. But first, let me give the act three of the hard sell. Will these colors ever run? Oh, say can you see?

Tiss my country of the. Fight out the answers to these questions and more. We'll be returned for the flagstrivation ending of. To die for. Res, fresh, stew, man, heath,

heath, what's the matter? Yeah, man, you're making pre-advertisement frustration noises. What happened? A live show in Las Vegas happened, that's what. What are you talking about? Tickets sales have been great. Too great. Actually, platinum night already sold out,

and now I can't go. Keith, you know that you don't have to fight. Hey, you know what, you don't have to worry. Is what Noah was gonna say because, yeah, because in addition to having VIP and general admission tickets still available, we just opened up a Rhythm night. Wait, what's a Rhythm night? Well, it's just like platinum night.

It's a night of food, drinks, games, and fun with us, but we do it on the Thursday before the show instead of the Friday before. So there's still time? There's still time. Head over to GodOffalMoviesLive.com to grab your general admission VIP or a Ritium Knight tickets now. But don't wait because we're definitely going to sell out of those as well. All right, thanks. You guys must have bought your platinum and a Ritium ticket, it's like right away. Oh yeah, yeah, we did. Lucky. Yeah, we sure are, buddy. Lucky.

Fast. Well, we use in a police, can I help you? Yeah, there's a guy blasting the national anthem at the high school with a flag going off the back of his truck. Oh, yeah, that's Quentin. He's a widely old coot. Sorry, yeah, don't they have a restraining order against him though? Yeah, yeah, sad's Quentin. He's a widely old coot. Sorry. Yeah. Don't they have a restraining order against him though? Yeah. Yeah. Sad to say they do. Right. Doesn't seem sad to

me. Anyway, are you guys going to come arrest him or something? No, but we're going to rooffully shake our heads and say his name. Aren't we, Vic? Oh, Quentin, that old tarball. Okay. That's, that's, that's something that. Okay. Carball. Yeah. That's, that's nothing at the point. I also noticed he's just verbally abusing his neighbor with racial slurs like constantly. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Yep.

He's an ordinary one, but it ain't against the law to say your piece. I think maybe it is sometimes like very much illegal to hurl racial slurs at somebody while they're in their home. Whole section of law is actually pretty sure. Mmm, sir, I assure you, we are taking this matter very seriously. Okay, we will discuss it with Quint at breakfast tomorrow. Please, Sherwill. Yep.

Oh, you eat breakfast with the hate criminal? Every single morning. Every morning, great. You know you're the bad guys in a different action movie, right? Yeah, I expect Rambo's gonna come kick our asses any day now. Okay, well as long as you know. And we're back for the breakdown and we're gonna rejoin the action with Quint finally getting that phone call from the military that he's been waiting for.

Now we haven't mentioned this up to this point, but like in nine different conversations, he's like, did you get to get to get the call yet? And he's like, I haven't gotten the call yet, but I'll get the call in act three. Well, it's act three now. So he gets the call. Yeah. So they finally want 74 year old convicted criminals to jump to the front lines of whatever forever war we're in now. He's being called up.

Being called up at age 60, whatever, anything. So that's really happening again. This is what they picture though. Oh yeah, this is the dream. Yeah, this is the fucking old man fantasy. Yeah, this is the dream. I would be useful. I'd be killing you know, people of color.

And that's all I know how to do my whole life. Great. So he's back in. So he goes to the barber and he's like, Hey, barber, I got all back to the military. I need a military flat top. Also, you apparently have to shave my entire body like a baby seal because that's part of the military hair code. Well, right. So he doesn't pull his skin off when he's doing dive rolls. He literally like that. If I going to a controlled slide on my hog during a mission? I'm 65. Can't have hair in the way because he's, he's shaving his body smooth and hey, no T no shade.

If you want to shave your body smooth, you do whatever you want with your body hair, but he's like, I ain't no homo. It's to prevent a burn. And he's like, you mean like a slur burn? And he's like, yeah, I'll just explore that. How sick is there anything that you guys don't have a racist old timey name for for fuck's sake? Yeah, do you have change for a dollar or is I call it a kike? Do you have got a kite for a dollar? You don't want to know? Take a kite for a dollar.

The reaction shots of the people in the barbershop are fucking fantastic because they make like a montage out of him just getting a fucking haircut, which is stupid. They sure do. And then you see like just random people who like don't fucking care at all, but they're like supposed to be getting like, oh my god, he's fucking doing it. He's gonna be able to do a controlled slide on his hog. What? And then they close the big thing with it's supposed to be the GI Jane moment basically. Yes. But like instead of Demi Moore now has a crew cut, it's we see fucking old catchers bit face

of John Schneider. He looks so silly. He looks so silly. A bit of a military haircut. It was so funny. Trash bag twisty tied kind of a thing. It's he looks so dumb. He looks like post rehab lemon head logo right like the lemon head logo is clean now he talks about Jesus a lot he goes to bed at 8 but like you

know what he's not doing meth anymore and we're real proud of it. So then so Quince back at his house he's telling this dog goodbye because he's going active duty and the quarterback kid comes to talk shit about his dog. This is the part of the movie where I shit you not this would have happened if I wrote it. He has his big dramatic literal telling a teenager to get off his lawn. Literally get off my lawn. It's literally the stakes of this scene. He's yelling at a child to get off his lawn or I'll hit you with this crowbar. I'm the protagonist of this movie. I'm the hero in your throwing arm quarterback kid. Yes. Uh-huh. He threatens

the kid with a fucking crowbar, the child. And again, this kid is not quarterback size. He's a hundred and six pound kid. So this dude is threatening this tiny little kid with a crowbar for standing one in shanta his property. Heath has held my hand while I take shit larger than this actor who plays quarterback. I will say though, he does kind of ruin the moment of the threat when he says, your real boss about to look like a flamingos knee. And can I just say like flamingo impossible to say menacing. No, you can't be gruffing menacing now. I mean, there's no way I don't care fucking John Wayne and Clint Eastwood put guns to

either side of my head and no whispered it into Stalin's ear. You're still going to sound like a silly children's book. Now I'm just picturing like a majestic pink thing taking off. Yeah, yeah, nope, that's it. And but then he's like, okay, this kid clearly doesn't have a father. I'm going to ask him about it. And he's like, so what's up? How come your dad never taught you that you don't take a knee during the anthem? And of course, this kid is like, I never met my father, and that's why I am against cops murdering black people.

And Josh, I just want that. Got him, I knew it. I knew you didn't have a dad. Right, which is what I wrote in my notes. Okay, now I'm 10,000% sure this character was black in John's original vision. Right. Yeah. And then we also we cut over and we see that the quarterback and his buddies are out

looking for a card of steel. That's going to come back in 25 hours. The movie won't realize that, but it's the whole day goes by that they're looking for that car apparently. So but he's stopping to see the love interest and tellers that like he's shipping out. I love this moment because the actress like keeps thinking they're gonna cut and they don't so she has to like restart her vamping again. Oh, amazing.

And he trusts like an army man for the meat. Yeah. He trusts it. Hey, guys, I know non veterans on this podcast. Do you bring your own army man clothes when they call you to the military? Is that something they provide for sure? 100%. You got to bring it on. Yeah. He's probably, yeah, I know that he's he's kept up with it. Make sure that they were the right size throughout the entire mint. Like when I went to my high school reunion, I wore my soccer jersey that didn't

say I was right. No, exactly. He said, right. Yeah. It was a school reunion, I wore my Socrates'y that didn't fit at all. Right, no, exactly. Exactly. It was a belly shirt. I wore just a diaper when I went to my preschool. Sure. But he shows up, Josh Schneider shows up at this warehouse, which is, I guess, the pickup point for, you know, 65-year-old military veterans being called back to active duty. Or is it? Oh, I was a prank, but it was a, here's the thing.

It was a prank by the cops. Yeah. Right, I assume that the kids had done, that the kids that had stolen, were stealing the car, were also fucking with him about being called, but no. That would have made sense. It's his friends, the cops. Well, they fucking hate him.

Well, that's true, yeah. Do they hate him? They keep letting him get away with crying. I think the movie became sentient and like did a prank on him. These characters are like, no, we hate this guy. If this was a character who had any like ability, any at all, watching this happen to him would make me sad. But I'm just like, good, yeah, fucking fuck that kid. Yeah. Like crush him between the car that you're driving and the wall and then just leave him there to be screwed juice onto the ground. Like there's nothing redeeming about whatever John Schneider wanted me to feel in this moment. I was like, hit him again. Like I could not have given

less of a shit. So yeah, but he gets out. He's like reporting for dude and they're like nice haircut. Ha, ha, got you. And then he drives off and contemplate suicide in a cheap motel parking lot. I chanted do it so loud that my wife who was wearing headphones in the backyard was like, do what? That's how loud I chanted do it. So yeah, he decides not to suicide. After all, he decides instead to suicide after all he decides instead To kidnap his neighbor for being a race. He doesn't like literally kid like

Form level literally naps his neighbor chloroform rag. I'm gonna kidnap my native American neighbor who I hurl Ethnic slurs at constantly. Yes, was the next plot point in this movie. It's like the beginning of a terrible, terrible, imp... Yes. It's like, how am I going to kidnap this Native American guy with this chloroform? And like, that's how they start a scene. Yeah. I have written several times throughout my notes that this is a horror movie for everyone but quint.

Yeah. Oh,int. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. So, and he's going to kidnap him so that he can tie him to a chair, menace him with the gun, and just hurl fucking stream of consciousness racism at it. I couldn't think of another scene with us in it. So my character literally kidnapped you. I don't think of another scene with us in it. So my character literally kidnapped you.

I know. Yeah. This is where we learn for no reason. And this will be of no consequence that the neighbor's wife has cancer. Right. Well, the reason that Schneider's wife has cancer is so that John Schneider can go, yeah, well, Kimo doesn't work anyways. Yeah, right.

No, yeah, to be fair. Yeah, John Schneider's over one. No, heo doesn't work anyways. Yeah, right. No, yay. And to be fair, yeah, John Schneider's over one. No, he says in here, he's like, you know, it's the treatment that kills you, not the cancer. Just in case there was a poisonous message, they forgot to include here. You know who's dying all the time?

Fucking cancer patients. Coincidence. Right. Coincidence? No, no. I don't even know the other colors. Let alone how the fuck chemo works. And then Quint says again, to the Native American character, Hey, why don't you just leave this country altogether? Why don't if you don't like it, get out the

only minority group. You absolutely buy your own logic. Can say that to right now the american yes why then this is where i get in the movie that he wrote he says hey man i'm just so you know that the neighbor does i'm a veteran i fought in the army i was in afghanistan and then i learned a little more about the genocides that found a discontent the genocides against my people and now i i am embedded by that, right? And what is John Schneider's answer to? I am actually a veteran and still am allowed to have issues with this country. No, you're not. You can double stamp it. So yeah. Can you guys see the ships that my ancestors wrote in? that? Is that invisible to me?

I drew a picture of a dog with four heads. Can you see this? Cause I know you've never seen a dog with four heads before. So and then we're treated to another no budget backyard Vietnam flashback here during the flashback, somebody's knocking on his door while he's flashing back just so that again 40% of this movie can be waiting on him to answer his fucking answer and door. Yeah. How else do you get from what he can't kidnap her? He just kidnapped someone in the last scene.

No, how is he supposed to treat? She has to show up not to run his door. So much chloroform. Yeah, but he's woken up from his flashback by the love interest who's brought to coffee. She lives with him now, but she's showing up knocking on the fucking door apparently in this scene. And she's got two coffees and she says, oh, it heads up. The cops are over there talking to your neighbor about you kidnapping him last night at gun

points. So we should probably go. We should go. Yeah. Let's do a fun scamper. My high jinks have gotten real shenanagonius. So let's, uh, we've skipped town for a bit. So we cut over to the cops. They've taken the statement from the neighbor about the fucking, the kidnapping and the, the neighbor guy west doesn't want to

press charges because you know, it was just an innocent kidnapping at gunpoint among friends. It's a beautiful white man with a huge penis just, you know, he's misunderstood by the world. It was not a kidnapping. He needed someone to monologue at and if kidnapping someone because you don't have anyone to monologue to his legal, then throw us all in jail. I'm John Shiger.

Oh, so we got to switch to racist. Like, I think I'm white now and he's hate America. I don't even know if you're allowed to arrest him at that point. Are you technically a hate crime if I committed the charges? Is that the wife is like, okay, I'll fire charges and the cops are like, no, no kidnappings only illegal if the person goes kidnapped. Yeah. Did he touch you with the ether directly?

No, but I'm still president. They're like, no, it doesn't. I can't touch him. Can't can't. And I should point out to, okay, because they're, they're cutting between this scene and Quint and the love interest in a boat, like having a romantic afternoon together. But because again, all of these scenes, none of these actors are in the same room. They're all sitting in front of different green screens and it's all being edited together.

So it feels like Quint and the love interest are also in that room with them, but the part of their room that they're in has a lake. And of course, the conversation that they're having that that Quint and the love interest are having a he's she's going like, do you ever wish that you had changed in any way or grown with the world and him going, nope, not at all? And she's like, good, good, because you have an enormous penis. Yep.

It's so good. I'm gonna quit smoking right now. I'm gonna quit smoking because it's gross for ladies to do that. Gonna replace it with that dick. And then, that's what literally what she says. Right, no, her, her. Well, she doesn't literally say a place it with that dick and then that's the interesting. That's literally what she says. Right, no, her, her, well, she doesn't literally say a

place it with that dick, but yeah. Figuratively what she says. Yes, no, exactly. Yeah, no, but, but his sexism cured her pre-cancer, I guess, right? So, okay, so he drives home, he's smoking her cigarettes

because she gave up on him. He's like, ah, that's all right for me. I'm a man. He's a guy. He's a guy. He's allowed to. Nice tasting when man smokes tigger red guy. I'm John Schneider. But he gets home and he sees that there's a car wrecked into his house and his neighbors got the ambulances there as neighbors been injured. And he's like, good, fuck that guy. He's not even white.

And the BMT is like, well, actually, he was trying to stop these kids from driving their car up into your porch and destroying your little flag painting. And he's like, oh, well, I guess, fucking less than, I guess. Right. It's, it's literally, he does that boomer thing where a boomer realizes that actually someone was kind to them, but they can't fucking go. I was wrong. So he does that like, yeah, exactly. Just the noise of a generation's legacy dying just every dad refusing to open a Christmas present. And his dog is dead for dead All have a good fucking time The fucking are you kidding me? I hope he kills those kids now. I was so there should be a fucking dead clown Right my communist pieces of shit need to stand for the anthem and he should kill them

I like the blue I wrote in order oh god, he is fucking furious. I'm okay with the nuke going off and killing every single person in this town. Oh, yeah. No, so he buries the dog with this long fucking scene where he's burying the dog. He says to the dog just before he buries, he's like, give your mom a lick for me. And I'm like, that's the least interesting context that could that those words could come up in.

Actually, as it turns out, he's got a great line. He's like, I don't know if they're dogs in heaven, but if there aren't, I will burn in hell. And I was like, nope, that's not how it goes. So then he goes to the hardware store. He's got an idea. So he needs to get pipe and zip ties

in a post hole digger. And I'm like, you're gonna cut that kid's hands off aren't you? Right. You'd think you would think that this would be the one time when this psychopath psychopathia would come in useful, but no, his solution is the most pathetic half-ass, jingoistic bullshit in the universe. Yeah.

So stupid. Also, just more generally, we should be making way more arrests. The FBI should be making so many arrests just at the hardware store by just waiting for somebody to go in. Just stand by the zip-tie. Everybody who goes to the hardware store who needs like more than one thing, they're probably doing something like this. Okay.

Like if the FBI was on top of Home Depot, J6 never happens. Like they were good. No, that's fair. No, that's fair. So the spike in zip tie sales probably should tip them up. So then, yeah. So, but what he's decided to do is put up a really, really, really big flag in his yard. They killed his dog. That's his yard. They killed his dog.

That's his solution to them killing his dog. Yeah. They killed his dog. They drove a car into your house and this twisted fucking waste of humanity is like, I'll show them. I'll put up the biggest flag they ever done. So I hate him. I hate him so much. So then neighbor comes over. He's like, hey man, sorry about your house, which wouldn't trust us as damaged. We don't have to show you on the movie.

If we don't want to, we can just refer to how damaged it is. And so he puts them to work. He's like, here, dig this post hole. I'm going to go buy a gigantic American flat. Now, this is how much their stupid fucking movie falls apart right because it goes to camping world to buy the giant flag They have up front but the whole idea of this movie is that everyone is so offended by American flags that they keep Vandalizing his house for having one Why aren't they vandalizing camping world? Right like this movie stupid ass persecution fantasy cannot help

but fall apart, even in its own fictional universe. Yes. Also, I feel like the people at camping world are going to panic and like turn gay and like Native American. Oh, yeah. The minute he drove away with that flag gay orgy like like gay orgy. Yeah, almost certainly. Yeah. So the neighbor says, all right, hey, look, man, I'll tell you what, I'll help you raise the flag pole, but I'm not going to hang the flag with you because I still have issues with it, genocide, and you know, a thousand generations of my people. And he's like, well, fuck you.

Yes. Go home. Instead of, think, think about where this is in the structure of the movie, right? He in the neighbor, finally seeing IDI working together and the neighbor says, you know what? Because of the genocide, I just don't want to raise it up all the way. And this fucking idiot's answer is fuck you. Yes. I ain't changing for shit, motherfucker. Yeah. And as he walks away, the neighbor's like, Hey, man, like, let me list like five different moments of genocide in your history. Do you know about any of these? And he's like, no,

I don't. And that's the end of that. That's the end of the conversation. He doesn't come back, I want to clarify. He doesn't come back later in the movie and be like, you know what? I looked up those things. They're bad. His answer is I refuse to learn. Squinnin' in there. Oh, my property. America. I'm jerking off front. No, it's so, so. If everyone who downloads this movie got some kind of computer virus that could ice-nine electrocute them to death except for us and the listeners of this podcast, the world would be a better put. Think about how much better the world would be if the government just drove around to all the houses of everyone who purchased this and shot them. So if I was going to go, that would be like the most worthwhile reason for me to go.

Honestly, if they promised to do everyone else, I'd be like, line me up, bad boy. All right, all right. Well, yeah, no, that's fair. Yeah. So yeah, and then we get closer to jerking off to the flag than this show has ever been before. As he tries to hoist, he tries to literally do the IWaGema thing by himself while ASMR whispering about the greatness of America in rhyme.

Oh, it's, this is so very sexual again. Of course. Oh, throughout. Like honestly, if he doesn't fuck this flag, like I'm offended on behalf of the flag. Like they don't get it for you to really show us him fucking the flag in the movie. If like off frame frame that doesn't happen I'm mad like that's just bad behavior. Yeah, and my favorite part though is yeah Like you said he tries to do the E.O.G

But think and he's like all right. I'm gonna try stuff by myself am I like a bunch of marine I like a bunch of guys. I like 30 feet tall and or have super strength right conflite Fuck neither of those I'm none of that that's crazy 30 feet tall and or have super strength right can fly. Let me tell ya. Fuck, neither of those, I'm none of that. That's crazy. And we watch him get to the tipitose part where he's like, oh, nope, okay, okay, I can't do it. This doesn't work anymore.

I have to slowly. You have to be so much taller or stronger or both. Fuck. And also, we have to talk about the poem because this poem, it's a very famous patriotic poem. I wrote the name of it and then I forgot it. but it's it's like if you want to see America Go to California. It's pretty pretty there and also check out New York that's nice

fucking Philadelphia There's nothing about shit mud stick Louisiana I feel like you're making this the writer of this poem really give up on himself with a long weekend in Detroit. God knows it worked for me. Just Alexis to Tokeville being like, yeah, and then there's like a swamp. I don't know.

Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. This is a weird part to include in my big thing, but I guess just in case, there you go, John. So, yeah, so he applies some gumption and a poly, right? So he can get the flag up. including my big thing, but I guess just in case. There you go, John. No, I hear. So yeah, so he applies some gumption and a pulley, right? So he can get the flag up. While he's doing this, the wife, the neighbor's wife shows up.

And she's like, why are you so terrible and awful? And he's like, that's just my whole generation. We just decided, I just like 16 of us that are pretty awesome. But other than them, you know, we're just shit. We're just shit. Yeah. And that's it. Yeah, he says compromise means both people lose,

and she literally says she's like, hey, you know bad men die lonely, right? And he's like, yeah, shut. I sure do. I, if anyone knows that, let me tell you. Oh my God. I John Schneider and having a moment of self-awareness right now. Real for him. You watch John Schneider, the man who wrote the line, Bad Men Die Lonely, they get said to him. He hears it. And then he just like, yes, to sing himself out of the frame. Yeah, he starts singing like the rest of old Lang's line that was in his head. He just danced off.

You watch him completely dissociate from his own. Oh, you watch him feel them, right? You see like a flashback to Dukes of Hazard, some girl being like, you're math favorite on the show. And then you see him snap into the present and see the crew with the fucking tiny Sony Sam camera. They're shooting his little splag, your graph movie too. And you see him be like, if I don't sing a song right now, I will die. And then the same magician looks up the case, as tears flow down, fuck, gonna die lonely.

So we cut to the kids stealing cars again. Oh, we get a shot of shirtless John Schneider, just as jiggly as you'd expect them to be at his age. He's coming out of the shower or something. Let's just shirt on and he falls down. Now this is, we expect it's going to be the moment of the reveal of the cancer. Yeah. But no, he just, he's just super tired, I guess. He's just a piece of shit. His movies are so stupid that like I generally was like, oh, this is his Christian movie Cancer Fall. That's what that was. Right.

It's so, he falls down like he's in an infomercial for a product called anti-gravity power. And if he's like, what? All right. This ever happened to you. There's gotta be a better way. So yeah, so now luckily for him, the love interest was looking in his window, just when

she lives there, just when he fell down. So she runs into help him. Meanwhile, the kids are outside. They're hot wire in his car, his El Camino, and they're going to use it to pull down his giant flag pole because they're at war with the American flag, damn it. You could literally just push it with one finger and it would fall down right now. Yeah, really? To be clear, the kid who is hot wiring the car, they're like, are you sure you can see

it? He goes, yeah, my dad's an immigrant. They did. He says that. So fucking stupid. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Uh huh.

Wanted one of the kids to be like, and I can hide the stolen money because my dad's a Jew. So Native Americans can't steal cars. Can't. It's actually basically a possibility. That's why John Emigrant steal a car in the movie. But they can hear cars being stolen, which is what happens here, right? The neighbor wakes up and he's like, but they can't see them because it's like a boat.

Right. Yeah. He's like, wait, he't see them because it's like a boat. Right. Right. Yeah. He's like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait grabs his gun and he runs out to like save the flag pole. Meanwhile, the love interest is in John Schneider's house going like, Hey, your doctor told me you're not dying or anything. You're just laying on the fucking floor now.

Yeah. And he's just like, fuck, that's true. Fine. Get up and have a gun fight with children now. Go. Yeah. And then he does, he grabs his gun and goes for literally a gunfight with children now. He goes out with his wife, gun to murder teenagers.

Yes. So now the kids have, have lassoed the flag and they're trying to pull it out. The neighbor runs out and starts shooting at the kids like my cousin Vinnie heard an owl. He just immediately, he like heard that hot wiring runs outside. Blah, blah, blah, I'm everywhere. Shoot in the car. Really? And to be clear, when I said gunfight with kids, the kids don't have guns. No, they're just standing. Shooting kids is the correct way to say that.

Yeah. I feel like when we, when we go to QED, sometimes the conversation about gun violence comes up, like and the Europeans are always like, I do not understand where do all your violence is so sad that you must not do it. I feel like we should show them this movie and be like, this is what most Americans think guns are. That's why someone dies every 14 and a half seconds of a gun in this country is because this is what we think guns are Yep

So yes, but the kids do successfully pull his flag down quit rushes to its rescue because the you know flag can't touch the ground Like it's gonna drown. He grabs it like it's bleeding to death in a war movie. Yes He like a cradles it in in his arms first and as though if he can keep it off the ground, it will not bleed to death, right? Right. Flag code. Yeah. Yes, yeah. So he's holding it up again, doing the little eWagema thing himself. The quarterback kid comes and pushes him down, lest the flag be too respected. And then steps on the flag. Yes. And John says, get your foot off her. And to be fair, the QB is like, I'm sorry, I know I'm the villain in the movie.

Do you think her? Do you anthropomorphize it to a lady specifically? You're fucking a fly. You're having heterosex with the flag. Yes, yes, he is. I don't know. I don't know why I asked. Okay.

I can see the come. So now, so he posted a scone and he's like, he's telling the kids they've got to put it up the flag now or he'll kill them. The neighbors there, he says he's got to go and do. He's like, dude, you can't like make the, you can't kill children for knocking over your flag. Right. So granted, I fired a gun at the moments ago, like a crazy person, but now I'm sort of wildfires. That was wildfires. The different thing. Yeah. Just planning a murder. So yeah, but then John turns the gun on the neighbor and he's and the his wife runs out, the neighbor's wife runs out and says like, hey, don't shoot my husband to which he says,

and I quote, tell your squad to get back in the teepee. Jesus. So this is the end of this is the finale of the movie. This character has no arc whatsoever. None. He is, he is apparently the exact right amount of racism from the beginning. It's a point on the spectrum. He is a single dot.

Yep. Exactly. So this is where the quarterback kid goes for his gun and John Schneider shoots the tiny teenage kid in the arm. Right, but it's a movie written by John Schneider. So the kids like, oh, we right. He's learned a valuable, but important way. Thank you for setting that healthy boundary for me. I did learn that I don't throw it in. No, I'm gonna throw it in. No, I'm gonna throw it in. No, I'm gonna throw it in. No, I'm gonna throw it in. No, I'm gonna throw it in. No, I'm gonna throw it in.

No, I'm gonna throw it in. No, I'm gonna throw it in. No, I'm gonna throw it in. No, I'm gonna throw it in. No, I'm gonna throw it in. No, I'm gonna throw it in. No, I'm gonna throw it in. No, I'm gonna throw it in.

No, I'm gonna throw it in. No, I'm gonna throw it in. No, I'm gonna throw it in. No, I'm gonna throw it in. No, I'm gonna throw it in. No, I'm gonna throw it in. No, I'm gonna throw it in. No, I'm gonna throw it in.

No, I'm gonna throw it in. No, I'm gonna throw it in. No, I'm gonna throw it in. No, I'm gonna throw it in. No, I'm gonna throw it in. No, I'm gonna throw it in. No, I'm gonna throw it in. No, I'm gonna throw it in. No, I'm gonna throw it in. No, I'm gonna throw it in. No, I'm gonna throw it in. No, I'm gonna throw it in. No, I'm gonna throw it in. No, I'm gonna throw it in. No, I'm gonna throw it in. No, I'm gonna throw it in. No, I'm gonna throw and they're like, hey man, none of this, just all of this is illegal. Everything about murder. We literally just shot a child. They should shoot Quint right away. Is that not like, like, well, that's the conversation they have. A man has a gun out pointing at children who have no weapons and you arrive on the scene as a cop.

And one of them is shot. Right. One of the kids is already shot. Yeah. And there's already a bleeding kid who was shot. You shoot that guy, right? And that's the conversation. The cops are standing there with their guns drawn going, oh no, this one's tricky.

Yes. Yeah. He's lying. But then the hero of the movie, Ney, the hero of fiction itself. Wes's wife comes out of the house with a fully automatic machine gun. Like a M16. M16. He floats out with like a harrier jet and yes, and shoots John Schneider to death

into the greatest thing that has ever happened or will ever happen in cinema. I thought I was hallucinating. Like I was like, this is not happening. I'm gonna have to like call no an Eli to check about this. Sorry guys, I went into a few. I had an episode. Yeah. Oh, like, I went into a I don't have a state.

Yeah. Oh, like, no, the best part, the greatest thing that's ever happened is that after he gets shot in the heart, he falls to his knees, but he won't let the flag. Teddy Roosevelt came back to life just long enough to say, it's a little much, man, you can get the flag. Hit the ground. It's actually very explicitly in the flat code.

None of this matters. All I wanted in this moment was for Mrs. Beaverton to like stab a metal pole through his chest and hoist a Cherokee Nation flag. Or shoot just through to me. And just Cherokee Nation flag flying. If it had just been like, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blackout credits. My favorite movie turns out to my favorite movie. Loving Hater that close together, everybody,

learn something today. So, so yeah, so he flashes back the CPNM for a minute. Luckily, his neighbor catches the flag so he can fall down. The love interest is like, call an ambulance. He says, I don't need an ambulance. I need a coroner. Can you do that? Can you reject an ambulance?

I don't think you get to make that call. If you are an EMT worker, please do that when John Schneider gets a paper cut. He doesn't need an ambulance. He needs a coroner. Given our healthcare system, you should be allowed to be like, no, Schneider gets a paper cut, he doesn't need an ambulance, he needs a carer. Given our healthcare system, you should be allowed to be like, no, no, no, no, thank you. Uber, please. Right, yeah, right, yeah, exactly.

But he's like, your wife is a pretty good shot for an Indian and he goes, oh, racist right to the end, he's like, you bet your ass I am. I died for my flag and he's like, no, you were holding it on me. You held it gun and me and shot children. Nothing to do with the flag actually.

Is that it? No, it's explicitly. Also, there's a racial correction about the aiming here. Oh, right, right. Yeah. It's like good shot for an Indian. And the correction is she's actually Irish. So just to be clear, last second, the movie was like, have we ranked races

in terms of anything recently? What about in terms of marksmanship with a, I'm sorry, guys, an automatic weapon. This movie is absolutely perfect in every way. I don't need to tell you guys that, but no one is going to believe an engine. Could you? Okay. We're going to need an explanation for it. I'm sorry to be the pen. I'm sorry to be the pen. So then, so we get him in, in Nam heaven with all his war buddies and his dog. Um, his, his dead wife is there. Black. She's black. So he, so he was not racist.

She walks off and she's like, hello, Quint. I'm black. Like it might as well be like the line. It's so silly. He might as well be like black. Just how I remember you. I'm like, I'm black hello, Quint, I'm black. Like it might as well be like the line. It's so silly. He might as well be like black.

Just how I remember you. That's right, baby. Do you remember when I granted you use of the N word earlier, that's official? Do you remember? Right. That's right. No.

Quite literally, my. Nope, no. No. So, well, then we have to cut to his green screen funeral where an armed child cop leads everyone in the pledge of allegiance. Why is that a child cop? You have to explain the child. No, I need to move forward with my life.

I'm a father. I'm a husband. We can't just not talk about why there's a lot just so you know in my will if I die for you to get anything from my will your child has to do that. There has to be a child top. We do everybody in the music. It is a good and plays apps on Google. Well, like pretty well, like medium well. Okay. Yeah. That's fair. But all the characters sure will miss him. And then we close with a very long flag porn montage in case anybody didn't finish up during

the main movie. Oh my God. I never I always forget how funny the flag ballet is. Right. And I know every time they do it, they're doing it on a soldier's coffin so that you're not supposed to laugh at them. But then maybe they shouldn't fucking spin it on their fingers like a Harlem globe trotter.

Did it lead in? Did it lead in? Did it lead in? Maybe it shouldn't be a very sexual moment between two Marines in dress uniforms while they fold sexually. It's like, yeah. It's like the tea ceremony with Danny and Kumako and Gratik and it's like that sexual. It is.

Yeah. I had to do this stupid thing in my first job when I was a kid. It was so dumb. That sounds terrible. All right. So and that's the end of the movie. I want to ask you guys because this movie is clearly in the fucking pantheon. It's in there with God's not dead three and a footman tire you and let there be light and second glance like the greatest movies we've ever done. So where is it? Is it top 10 top five? Like we're in the pantheon. Is it in your mind? Top three. Honestly, top three. Yeah. It's man. It's right. I'm going to say maybe top three also. Like the I got to put leap ahead. Okay. Is impossible to beat in my head. But it's right up there. Yes. Right up there for sure. Oh, I see.

I don't think I want to go higher than top 10, because there's all of Donald James Parker, you know, that's how it makes it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, it's definitely top 10 though. Yeah. Okay.

The three atlas shrugged movies are three of my favorite. So like maybe I'm going to say, I'll say top 10 too. I'll give it a top 10 for sure. Cowards, top three. All right. Well, well, that's going to do it for our review of to die for. It's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to find some way to follow this one up.

So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well, Noah, as you know, I have been on a search in our 417 episodes for a documentary that has the worst idea. And I think I have a pretty good contender for next week. Really? It's a little picture called crazy wise, and the premise is this, what if mental illness is good actually?

Oh, no. All right. So we'll be watching crazy wise. Oh, with that, I guess, look forward to writing skits and stuff, right? Yeah. We're going to bring up episode 417 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you'd like to catch something on their way, you can make a prep episode donation at patreon.com.com.

So, I got off when they're by your own way access to an ad for version of our episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review and by sharing the show on our various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our civilized shows and scanning the ad as well as the site. It's your DND minus and the Skype for crowd available wherever podcast live. If you have questions, comments, or sit and manage suggestions, ggnamel.gov, and we'll be on gmail.com, Tim Robertson, take care of our social media, our theme song is written

from our right slightly addressed on Mars, all the other musicals written from our R.A. Junior Morgan Clark and Moistures with permission. Thanks again for giving us some of the chunk of your life this week for Heathen, right and Eli Bosnia, common illusions, promising to work hard to earn on the track next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Blue states, like California, continued to subsidize the very existence of red states like Louisiana. God awful movies.

Tread all over your stupid little snake. John Schneider will be voting in the next election. Mm-hmm. Unless he dies of COVID. May could he could die of yeah, folks good very life The Presenting podcast was a production of Puzzle and a thunderstorm LLC Copyright 2023. All rights reserved.