God Awful Movies - 423: Born Into Mafia 2

Episode Date: September 26, 2023

This week, Cecil joins us for a review of Born Into Mafia 2, the spiritual sequel to Born Into Mafia that shares nothing with the original except broken English, porny camera angles, and unapologetic batshittery. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out more from Cecil on Cognitive Dissonance and Season Liberally Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

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Like, there's a big part of me that thinks this guy is just kidding. Nope, like this guy is a massive troll, and he's just kidding. There's no way you put that in there without being like, no, this is, this is, there's no way anybody would think that that's the thing way you put that in there without being like, no, this is, there's no way. And what you would think, this is the thing that you would put in the movie. And not try to be funny. He like, come on, man. A hundred, I promise you.

First of all, I promise you, no. There's no such thing as a ring in a car. There's no such thing as a ring in a car. I'm a lunch right now laughing at you. No, they're not. They're both having lunch by themselves. They're getting Ima genius, Ima genius,'m a genius, I'm a genius, I'm a genius, I'm a genius. ["Movie's Theme Song"]

God awful, movie! ["Movie's Theme Song"] ["Movie's Theme Song"] Welcome back to God off of movies. We're each week. We watch another terrible movie, so you don't have to. I'm your host, Heathen, right? And I'm joined by the Eli Bosnicki lie. How's it going? Pretty good. There Robin Hood. Yeah. Yeah. Everybody's got a hint already as to what we're going to be doing. We'll get to that in a second. We also have

veteran massacres. Cecil, the full podcaster, Cecil, our professional colleague, that's the colleague true. That is true. You're our colleague. Welcome back. Wow. I'm going to kill myself on air. Hey, nice to see you guys.

Hey, Cecil Dwyer. Great. Let's just get right into it. Cecil. What are we going to be breaking down today? I was trying to push right past it. Cecil, just tell us the movie. No, it's fine. Yeah. No, we're watching Born Into Mafia 2, which doesn't feel like a correct title. But anyway, Born Into Mafia 2, it's the story of the first nine minutes of taken with Liam Neeson. So,

you know, that's great. I'm convinced the guy who makes these movies, Alexander, whatever his name is, do you mean Vitaly Versace? Yes, Vitaly Versace, of course, was sitting next to someone on a plane who was watching Taken and he was like, I got it, I'm going to make it that movie too. Awesome. It's exactly me.

He's a good movie. I make it now, me also. Yeah, that's exactly it.. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. That's him. That's the guy of a tally Versace who faked having an Emmy and put that as his profile picture on IMDB. Yeah. That's the guy.

So there. So Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you loved born into mafia's script and a blender understanding of mob movies, just you wait till they get their hands on the trailer for taking the trailer. It's totally true. And Cecil, by the way, were you lost because you hadn't seen the first one? Or did you go back and watch the first one? Really fell behind, huh?

Can you guys just quickly give me a synopsis? Like maybe like a couple paragraphs? Just, I mean, can somebody just jump in? Yeah, Eli, what happened in the first one? Yeah, sure. So the Berlin wall falls in 89, I think it is. And Russians, they're just get weirder and weirder ever since. You're all caught up.

Yeah, I think you're there. All right, no, then I'm not lost at all. He's got a lot of, yeah, a lot of Vittale Versace from Cleveland, Ohio, believes he has a big, important Russian heritage. He made a movie and he did another one. This one is the sequel sort of. All right. Is there anything you'd like to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst

step? I would like to nominate the best worst on screen eating. I can't. I think like a guy just with a bowl of mayonnaise just scooping it into his mouth. So much better. Is the fucking, it's the, it's peak cinema. Okay. There's nothing better than that.

That's like a fetish video. It's amazing. Okay, but the ex-wife doing the power move with eating the banana with banana right in front of it. Right in front of it. Right in front of it. Yes. Right in front of it.

Absolutely. So good. Yes. Establishing dominance. Yeah. And I didn't think this was going to be a God of a movie season liberally crossover, but I think you can all agree. I would way rather watch you goatsy a chicken on top of a bunch pan. As you did in your most recent video, I won 100% accidentally goatsy to chicken. You absolutely goatsy to chicken. You know, you keep a great face, but you absolutely know.

I a 100% goatsy to chicken. You know what can't break things but you absolutely know. I 100% go see that chicken. You know what you're like, you're like a when porn people like start to stream on Twitch playing games, but then occasionally you're just like, that's you. You know, your audience is there for the go see, but you're there for the chicken tips. Come on. Be honest. You pull out a butt cake pan before you start rolling. Like, all right. Come on. I know what this is. I know what's happening. I didn't

even loop it either, which is crazy. I didn't grease on it. I totally, I totally should have just looped that pan. It would have probably wow. I don't know. Lessened the goats. I don't know. I'm going to replace all of our hyperlinks in this week's episode with links to that episode so that you think like people love it when I go to I gotta keep going. This is the beginning of your Nick Avocado downfall. Oh man, all I need is the two rings, the two ring finger rings and I'm pulling the chicken apart. I think is the best.

I think that's the next step. So yeah 100%. So everybody check out season liberally, there is a batch cock of a chicken dish that gets made recently. It's pretty exciting. It's a really good cooking show with one real weird hand.

So. So. All right. For best worst, I'm gonna go with best worst gift wrapping. And it is so fucking, I was furious watching this happen. Because I'm like serious about my gift wrapping. Of course, yeah. This guy fucks up gift wrapping a small book.

Yeah, it's a rectangle. It's a very small, easy wrap, the easiest to wrap possible thing. And he just mangles it. I was so fucking mad. He could have taken the entire role of wrapping paper and laid it on the floor and then glued the book to his chest and done sort of a starfish motion. I would have preferred that. Until the wrapping paper was no longer around him.

That would have been artistic. That would have been like, you know, Reno Bromovich. He wraps that book the way I picture he pictures me wrapping all objects. It was the Eli Parking of gift wrapping. Of gift wrapping. Exactly. There we go. A reference we can all get into. So good. That's perfect. That is perfect. It is exactly that. It was like their command of the English language in this cast of gift wrapping. Yeah. Like somehow you need perfect English to gift wrap.

That's what we saw. How does, look, we'll get to it. But how does Fertali Versace convince these Americans who star in his movies to speak broken English, right? There's one non-English speaker in the movie, right? But everyone else is just a person from Los Angeles or whatever. The main character guy who does that rapping and actually fucks up a bunch of English is clearly a native English speaker, but just does worse.

Do you think he's calling cut and being like, hey, my friends, sorry, I had to be a real stickler and done the stickler. But what I actually wrote in the script is, have you got any nickels, my friends? No. And they're like, oh, no, it's just have you got any nickels. No, no, no, that's not what I write. Yeah. Okay, Ed Helms, I'm into the stance.

Grant. And speaking of books, speaking of books, I'm going to go with best worst. I bought my daughter a book. Yes, absolutely. As he's hinted, he buys his daughter a book. The narration will mention it so often and randomly. At one point, I thought like I had played the YouTube video in the background in a different window by accident.

And I was getting a weird. I'm just looking along the top of my tabs for that little speaker being like, there's no way this is. I had it up on IMDB. And I was sure that like something had just a teaser of it had rolled. Like, click back over to it. Is it a real book? Did you guys look to see it?

No, it's actually like a real book or was it? Oh, Robert de Caprio, the greatest acting coach of all time. The Red Bull. The randomly walked past the secondhand store and picked the book out. Yeah. In your local Christmas story. Yes. Oh, next to the license plate. Yeah, we're saying that's not an industry guy who's well known. Robbie. What is it? Robbie DeCaprio. Robert DeCaprio. Robbie DeCaprio. No, not in my circles at least. Maybe you can tap it. So clearly, he just, he heard the name Robert and he was like, I'm going to add a last name. Don't say a thing.

Okay, Vitaly Versace. It's time to think of an actor. He's the best actor. Obviously Robert Bob the Neuro, who's the second best actor? A fellow teenage enthusiast, Ronald DeCaprio. So I combine their names and every actor who watches will be like, wow, Vitaly Versace, that is what you call a deep cat. Not everyone's going to get that one much like the burqa losas. Okay. Well, what you just heard is the VO for most of the movie. Most of the movie in the author. Like that while action happens on screen sort of. Well, I think we're going to take a quick break before we get to all that.

And then we'll be back to tell you all about born into mafia to. I mean, I guess we could do that. How hairy are they? I mean, about as hairy as normal feet, I guess. One second, one second, I gotta call you back. AC, so what you doing? Yeah, who's on the phone? Oh, hey guys, I'm just selling pics of my feet

to people I meet online. Nice, I mean, what? Why are you doing that? Because of Hello Fresh, man. Cool, they're gonna love that intro. Heave? Sorry, I mean, what's Hello Fresh, man. Cool, they're gonna love that intro. Heave. Sorry, I mean, what's Hello Fresh? Well, with Hello Fresh, you get farm fresh, pre-portioned ingredients, and seasonal

recipes delivered right to your doorstep. Skip trips to the grocery store and count on Hello Fresh to make home cooking, easy, fun, and affordable. That's why it's America's number one meal kit. Sure, but why does that have you selling pictures of your feet? Well, because season liberally is doomed, Eli, who's gonna want to learn to cook when they can just have Hello Fresh delivered to their door every single week. I mean, can't you do some recipes that Hello Fresh can't do?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Oh, fat chance. Hello, fresh keeps your taste buds on their toes with 40 chef crafted recipes to select from every week from family friendly to fit and wholesome. You'll find new ways and exciting recipes to try and love. Okay, so you can't do food. Maybe you do snacks and stuff. No dice Eli. You can add snacks, sides and more to your weekly Hello Fresh order.

Just simply shop Hello Fresh market and take your pick from a curated selection of our 100 add-on items. Yeah, it's true. I became a Hello Fresh customer when they became a sponsor. And I love how it can load up not just undelicious meals, but also grab on the go snacks and more. That's why I, Ethan Wright personally, endorse Hello Fresh. So if someone wanted to sign up for Hello Fresh, how would they do it? Really Eli in my moment of pain, sorry, so it does sound good. Well, if you did want to break my heart, you could go to HelloFresh.com slash 50

awful and use code 50 awful and get 50% off plus free shipping. So I go to HelloFresh.com slash 50 awful and use code 50 awful for 50% off plus free shipping. That's right. All right. Well, I guess we'll let you get back to it. Yeah, I mean, after all, $175 a picture is a lot of money. All right.

I didn't tell you guys what I'm selling them for. So do we have a deal with the real estate? I don't know. guys what I'm selling them for. So do we have a deal or not? Yeah, we got a deal. Nice. Sweet. Okay, guys, after the big smash success of our movie film Born into Mafia, the people

are crying out for a sequel. And by people, I mean almost threes of my friends. Okay, uh, what we make it about. I'm glad you asked. Have you guys seen the movie take ended? No, I have not. Also no. Me neither leave it to be ver, but you know what I have seen. The trailer, someone filmed on there on their iPhone and released until YouTube on the YouTube Jackly and you know what they say trailer is like the free sample of the movie I mean, I guess that's true. How many times have you watched the trailer almost once whole time?

I'm in I mean, I'm also in Can we mention that I bought book for my daughter like 200 times. Sweet. Very sweet. I did though. And we're back. And we're going to start in media res with a young girl on a cheap camera shouting no daddy.

That's how we start. Yeah, I thought I'd click the wrong one for a second. I totally thought that's reasonable. It's a heathen right? And we're looking at a bedroom and a bedroom. He's got this bed blocking the dresser from possibly even opening. And this is like,

these are room they chose in whatever house for this scene on purpose. Like this was the best spot they could put a bed in this entire house. Yeah. You say bed, when you say bed, you are being very, very loose with that term. It is a rolled up, cheap mattress on the ground.

There's no box spring. This is just a, like a shitty futon mattress that somebody threw on the ground. This is like an air mattress from Target used as is with like feet around it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

The box says like, die on this when you buy it at Target. It's not great. Also, let me save our audience. Tremendous confusion because the voiceover now kicks in and says that kidnap Maddolder, except we will never see his daughter be kidnapped or go through the slavery process that this movie will intercut with the movie. These are three completely different characters that we will never know anything about whatsoever. So for the rent, the entire movie, I was like, because one of them is dark hair.

And I kept being like, is that the actress who plays the daughter? No, no, it is not. What very obviously happened is that Vertali Versace, American treasure, was like, I'm making the take-in and then the girl who agreed to play the daughter was like, I'm not taking my shirt off and letting you attach me to an IV.

And he was like, no problem. All women are the same. And they were like, yeah. I feel like that's how you might feel. Sounds about right. Are you sure? Because maybe this part three is going to reveal that the daughter makes it into the thing. You know, I mean, I realize yours has plausibility, Eli, but I suspect we don't know what's

happening in part and born into mafia three. That's true. We haven't seen the part three yet. So we don't know. This is a 2016 movie. So for the last six years, he's been trying to piece together the four thousand dollars he needs for the budget. He's been bubbling. He's not there yet. He needs the iPhone 11, six plus. So we just, yeah, we got to get him a new iPhone. Vitaly, I have an iPhone 13. Yeah. All yours for the makin' buddy. Seriously though, Vitaly, I think I like we joke yeah, all yours for the making, buddy. Seriously though, Vitaly, I think we joke about this.

I think he might be listening. Vitaly, we will help fund part through. We will absolutely fund part of that. I know exactly how much you spent on this movie. I'll fund it via PayPal while doing this podcast. Okay. I just want to make sure I have this right. The guy we're watching in this scene is supposed to be Vitaly Versace's character from the

first one. That guy's brother. That's like a secret brother in the United States that the Vitaly character from the first one just found out about kind of recently. Yes. The CIA agent dad guy. Yes. Okay.

Was this guy was in the first one? Yeah. Well, no. The voice over that guy. He was a character in the first one? Yeah. Well, no, the voiceover, that guy, he was a character in the first one. Oh, okay. This is his brother. The voiceover is the main character for the first one. Yeah, the voiceover is because you never see the face and I never saw the first one.

So what I got was just like some weird voiceover and then a flashback to clearly his previous movie. And I was like, okay, I guess their brothers or not, but brother, they're like step brothers or half brothers. Brother from another mother. So I don't, I don't know, I don't know what works. They made on the black casting couch, which they will say is the name of a film company. Is the name of film, which I am guessing Fatali has some experience with that's how you meet a step, brother.

But yeah, that is the only extent to the earlier movie that they said the connection. So if you missed the first episode, don't worry, podcast, listener. You're not, um, okay. Yeah. That's a trouble. Right. But now we're, now we're watching the new protagonist. We watch him get out of bed.

We watch him take a shower and I'm pretty sure pee in the shower that we see for a second, which is a weird move. Yeah, I don't think that was what Vitaly was going for with the slow panning shot down during the shower. Right. I think he's just, but that's what was happening. But that's, that's what it felt like for sure. Yeah, for sure. They also show us they go back after the shower to the bedroom again. Now the bed is in a different spot of the bedroom. He like moved in.

I guess, the drawer. Yeah, yeah. The drawer. Yeah, you got to get in. And right there next to the bed is the garbage bag of come to. She's very clearly just cleaned up. Super obvious. Yeah, Vitaly very clearly brought this guy in and was like, you can just use my bed my friend

I even didn't make it for you Don't mind the for breeze bag from glad on the floor. It'll be fine Then we watch this guy put on his shoes like slowly. Yeah, I both choose a lot get up and leave the room And then tie shoes more back in the same room. Yeah. And then we have to understand he that's a keeper scene and as an editor, that's gold. You want to make sure you show that as much as possible.

Whether it's in time sequence or not, you want to show it again and again and again. It's just that if you ever go to the movies with the Tali Versace when a character enters the room wearing shoes, he turns to you and goes, see, that's bad movie making. We don't even see them put on shoes. We don't know where the issues come from. We have to establish the shoes for

the shot. It's very important. I thought maybe the not immediately became untied on one of the shoes and he just went back in and had they had to show it all to like so we wouldn't get lost about what had happened. My favorite piece of sort of prop in the movie is the lighthouse chachki on top of the dresser.

It's like a gigantic comic dildo-sized fucking gigantic chachkis of a lighthouse just to get up for no, like, you know, it's what CIA people have on their on their dressers. I mean, let's be honest. That's what they have. It's how they decorate. It's what your aunt brings back from her trip to Maine. She's like, Oh gosh. Oh, I had so much fun. You know, they tell you people are friendly and they really, oh, they really were your, your uncle had such a good time and then he died. Her and KGB agents, very similar in terms of the collection. Exactly. I have it. So now we get the baffling scene title two weeks from now.

From now? From now, yes. Apparently we're watching the future, I guess. I don't know. I didn't get this at all. Yeah, he's very unclear where he's hopping around within the cinematic universe, but it's two weeks from him getting out of bed, his daughter being kidnapped, a different person is being kidnapped.

Okay, like I got you. I just had like weird wording for two weeks later, which is what he was going for. But like we couldn't just watch the guy wake up and pee in the shower two weeks later. It couldn't be like the same day to start the movie for both of these scenes. Yeah, no, it couldn't. Right. And more importantly, it's not two weeks later. He means two weeks earlier, but whoever unfortunate soul on this cast tried to explain

the word earlier to the valley of Versace. Oh, no, through themselves out of that hospital prepretation window. It is technically two weeks from then in like absolute value time. Sure. Yeah. And there you go. And we see the establishment shot here is of a young girl walking down a hall with a

guy who clearly has tried to take a long sleeve pinstripe shirt and turn it into a turban. That is what we've seen. And there's no top on it. So he's kind of got like a place for maybe a Yamaka if you wanted at the top. You know, it's not covering his whole head. So he could go, let's go to the little kind of both ways. I thought it was like a Russian mafia chef when I first saw it and I was like, okay, that's my context.

And I'm looking at a Russian mafia chef. He's doing that kick dance on his knees or whatever. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. But then I was like, oh, yeah, that was the movie showing us a Muslim guy because then he sees a second, according to the movie Muslim guy who has a literal plaid curtain that's been wrapped into sort of a turban in their head. He's wearing an evil karate key.

Like, yep, black and gold. Yes. They very clearly like co-brokaita. Thank you, Cecil. Yeah. That's great. He's true. They paused the screen and taken and they were like, well, I don't

know where to get one of those, but we will get a Karate game. So they had they had that had a big tiger on the back. Yeah. And I'll just make this easy for the listening audience right now. This all the even numbered scenes will be the story of the movie. All the odd number scenes will be various places in the timeline. They never matter and they are not in order of three different women being sex traffic and or photographer and or salt for their organs and or given heroin. Very confusing. Yeah, but they are, they did really hit the market though here when they said that they're

making sure that they're getting off women, beautiful women to photograph for a calendar. It's because that's something that still happens where you have a photograph and actual print calendar somewhere. Print calendar, absolutely. That's how you make your money on top of your heroin trade. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. You got us laundered some way. Yeah. The women of the Tuesday night strip club calendar as they were shooting. So now our protagonist, like we teased in the beginning, he walks by a Christmas themed second hand store and's very prominently this acting book in the window, Robert DeCaprio.

Yes. Mm-hmm. The Sid Field of this universe I guess. Whatever. By the way, on the front cover of the book, it says the thickest acting book ever. That's what it says on the cover. The thickest. You never judge a book by its girth. That's ridiculous. By the way,

it's like a 30 page book to be clear. And he very clearly just like glued a new cover onto an existing book. And I don't mean like a wrap around cover. I mean, just a single eight by 11 sheet of paper to the cover of another book. And it's next to, and in the window, next to used license plates. Yeah. I mean, this is like one of those encyclopedias for kids that Cecil learned about stars and planets from.

And we're all dreaming of our story. We're told it as a child. Yeah, exactly. Except for my dad stole it from the story and buy it. Yeah, exactly. He made out of money. We had $10. And he's narrating about how he'd kill anyone to protect his daughter, which is weird

because his daughter hasn't been kidnapped yet, but he will constantly reference that she's been kidnapped, like, in his own internal monologue. Yeah. And then the last thing here, it's just so great. We have to see him meeting the daughter and the way they've chosen to do this. Oh, it's so good. Is he's chopping wood shirtless, not a good look. It's not in the woods.

He's like next to a highway where you buy like propane, a Chevrolet station. It's so jarring. Imagine driving past that, being like, well, that's a crime. There's some crazy crime happening there. I need to call the police. His physique, he looks like stretch Armstrong. Like he does. He 100% looks smooth.

Like I've never seen anybody so smooth. And can I say, Cecil, corn syrup, the problem in both of those cases, both this gentleman and, hey, stretch arm strong. We've got a lot of corn syrup in there. Very true, very true. But he's like super smooth and he's out there with his shirt off and he's hacking away and he's literally next to a chevron station and a busy highway. Yep. And then his daughter starts sneaking up on him because they show her feet, unboots, trying to sneak up on him. And then his daughter starts sneaking up on him because they show her feet on boots, trying to sneak up on him. And then he tries to use his very dull reflective axe to try to see behind him, but you can clearly

see nothing in the axe at all. Yeah, we're looking into the axe. In a good movie, they would be like, oh, like there's a scene from Highlander where a guy it's not a good movie, but he cuts the guy's head off or whatever. And there's like a scene where you're looking at a mirror and you could see someone like that's a way to show a reflective scene. There's no reflection, man. You're just showing like a fucking dull faded accent that he's supposed to be looking

at. Right, like the Katana and Kill Bill, like you're looking at, you could see the mirror. Right. It's perfect, but instead here, it's just like, well, we didn't take the time to polish it. The only rusted old axe that they could get on this set. You can't see shit. Well, again, I don't think Vertale Versace, who has seen both those movies, I promise you, knows that those are moments where someone's looking in a mirror, right?

I think he was just like, okay, so if you're ever going to do a big surprise turnaround hug, first, you have to look at a metal for a moment because that's how tough guys prepare for a big hug. They look at a medal. Also terrifying is that this is a father and his daughter meeting up for the first time in the movie and the first time in a long time, according to movie. And this actor was like, I will need to be shirt off, sweaty, doing ax chop, because it's awesome. Yeah. And that's how like this, this other actor playing his daughter has to like meet him and hug him.

It's so fucking creepy. She clearly doesn't want to touch him, because her hands when she hugs him are bald and straight out. Yeah. And then she doesn't actually hug him. She, he like picks her up and he's like, oh, what are you trying to do? It's scary. And he's like, and it's like kind of low.

So you can't really hear what he's saying. He's kind of just, he's making up improv speech kind of and she's like, no, I wasn't trying to scare you. But the whole time she clearly doesn't want to be touched by him because her hands are balled into fence and straight out like she just got knocked out. Like one of those people when they get knocked out and they do the fencing response, that's what she's doing while he's holding her. Like straight out arms. Like a toy soldier just came back from a dramatic moment and then as though they heard us making fun

of the last title card, we now get one that says just before the this character will be kidnapped soon, but first our movie film scene now. Next, then that. Okay. So this is where we got to talk about his dad. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Here we go. If you know Howard Stern's cast, you know who her status is. Yes, this is Jeff the Drunk from the House of Drunk Show. Jeff the Drunk show Howard Stern. Okay, so Jeff the Drunk is just sitting in the relative background of 94% of the city's most major. The rest is fluffy.

He's there. Sometimes he's in hats, sometimes he's doing something, but most of the time he's not. Most of the time he's just in the like scenery of the movie. Even in scenes, we'll point it out where he absolutely should not be there as a character. I'm gonna spoil this for you, podcast listener. This is supposed to be his dad who's missing an arm. Jeff, the drunk is not missing an arm, but This is supposed to be his dad who's missing an arm.

Jeff, the drunk is not missing an arm, but it's supposed to be his dad who is missing an arm and he will just randomly be in various scenes and say things like, you doing okay, son. This is the most famous actor in the cast. Right. Absolutely. And they very clearly just smushed this guy Jeff to drunk into the movie a few times so they could write on the front on their poster starring Jeff the truck. Who

do they imagine is scrolling through movies and thinking, I just want to see Jeff the truck. I like, I love him. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. But like how are his acting chops? Yeah. Well, check out this movie. I will say when they show him when he first sits down, he's in a bills outfit. And I'm like, he looks like every single bills fan. I've ever seen it entirely.

He actually is from upstate New York. Yeah. It's all over the year. the year, but you know, yeah, yeah, no. So now we're going to cut to his daughter's birthday. Hold on, there's a line. There's a line E like just really quickly. There's a line where the guy says, I don't know where the main character says a lot of guys in the CIA are very patriotic. And then that's the end of that entire. Yeah, no, it's just as part of his narrative is narrative is kind of like if you found

chat GPT and you were like, talk about the CIA and your daughter being kidnapped, but then you programmed your computer to be like, say more now for like eight million versions. So what the sort of twisted psychosexual fugues that came out at the end of eight million chat GPT prompts, that at the end of eight million chat GPT prompts. That's the narration of this film. This is where we get the worst gift wrapping ever really quick. I just want to.

Oh god. I just want to point that out. And also the worst using a marker to write words. So like they show us the gift wrapping and then he has to write the card. And it's insane. We find out. Well, that's supposed to be Jeff the drug. That's, that's great.

We find out later that they made Jeff the drunk, right? The card and he has a paralyzed right arm and he's righty. So they made this lefty guy with a paralyzed right arm, right? The card. I don't know why. So we could start in the movie. Oh, yeah. That's great.

It also weirdly says to my 18 year old granddaughter right on the, on the crime. Like, I don't know, man, that feels like you're trying to get out of a crime or something. Yeah. I just, it feels like an alibi, like a pre-alibi. Yeah. I feel like there was a lot of checking and double checking of IDs when this movie was made for, you have a good reason. Every sentence that says like, who is 18 by the way? And it never good, never good, whatever was happening with that. Yeah.

Basically, whenever Vitale Versace asking who is 18 is a stormant morning or whatever that fucking morning is, like that's always this pink sky. So in the morning or whatever. Yeah, absolutely. I want to say to at a certain point, now this isn't an editor thing, but at a certain point, I want to say two or three times, they either, so what you'll see is maybe two or three frames of a credit pop up. So they'll, you'll be watching it.

And then you'll see a like a very, very quickly a credit be like, boop, boop, and go right away. And they either left a tail of a credit on for too long and accidentally cut it and left it like a couple frames on, or they never extended it. So they wrote it out, but it was only like a frame long and then they never extended that frame farther than two frames. And so you're constantly seeing like, am I being, am I, are you trying to like subliminally manipulate me right now?

Like what is happening right now into watching more of these? Yeah. Yeah. So now we're going to cut over to his daughter's birthday. I'd like to point out that we open with a very, very obvious cameraman in the shot, like just there, just fucking there. And this is also where we meet the mom, right? And I just want to point out the way this actress walks out was like she had never used human legs before, right?

They were like, no, you're going to be in the movie and also you'll use your new leg transplants for the very first time. Have you ever seen that image of Elon Musk where they show his body and it looks like he's a little guy inside of a mech cousin. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, well, he looks like that alien from men and black. She looks like like there's an alien inside her body, her body, like a mech. She's doing a crank thing for sure.

Yeah, the fact that her first line isn't sugar water. I don't really really doesn't make a lot of sense. The daughter comes out, it's 9 a.m. The sun is beating down, right? She's so excited. But Fatali Versace has made her wear this very uncomfortably short club dress that she will pull at to try to make longer through the entire scene, just a desperate attempt to wrap it around her feet and be in a cocoon of not making. This is also where we meet the new stepdad question. Do you think this gentleman's is, okay, here's the question.

Sky is something else. Is this gentleman doing a sarcastic performance in Valtalee Versace movie or is he insane? Okay. It's only those two. I think it's clearly the first one he's making fun of Fatale Versace. Yeah. Because he comes in and he's got his son too.

So it's like David and David Jr. Yes. So he comes in and he has, I think, a British accent or he does some kind of accent. Yeah. And then the kid, the kid says I too, but in a, and in his highly different accent, but I thought like the kid would keep changing to like fuck with the dad of making followers.

Because that would seem to be happening, but yeah, I have no idea. I think they were just making fun of the movie. Here's what I think happened. I think Viltari Versace was like, and for the movie Craig, I want you to do a British accent. And he was like, what is a British accent? I've never heard of this.

And he was like, what is a British accent? Do you know Tukensam? And he was like, yeah. He was like, okay. I want you to imagine Tukensam got into like a really bad car accident, like a bad one, a bad one. And they weren't sure he was going to make it. He recovers, but like, not all the way. And he was like, oh, nailed it. Yeah, absolutely. I can do that voice.

Cause he will talk like a man throughout. Well, everything. Okay. Yeah. Sounds like Kervet the frog. He sounds amazing. The guy sounds great. Also, by the way, throughout this entire, this is where you first notice it. But it happens throughout the rest of the movie whenever there in a noisy environment. So they're on a street, right? So things are going by. They are not using a boom mic, or they are. And it's just too far away from the action because what you're hearing constantly is the

cut after it's over because they don't want to get the road noise. Yep. So you're hearing very obvious bad, not even faded cuts. So you're going to be like, and then you'll hear the hiss and then it basically gets cut off and it's so fucking jarring. And then out of nowhere, the music will start and stop for no reason whatsoever. It's unclear why the music even plays at certain points or when it starts and it just randomly jarringly in the middle of a scene will just end.

It's outrageous. It's like they shot the movie in a Snapchat filter that has a certain amount of music behind it. Just a mod at time. But it's a TikTok thing maybe. So it's 30 seconds and that's why it cuts in and out. Don't want to have to pay royalties. Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah. But he gives his daughter the book and she doesn't care about it at all, but then new stepdad, he gives her a car. It's a brand new BMW. No, it's not. No, it's 2008. Yeah. 2008, like three series. It's a good boy. I like that the new stepdad also roasted Jack our protagonist here because he's like, oh, Jack, you should come come to the party. Come on in and the X-Wash's like, no, Dave, the step dad is like, no, Jack's fine. He doesn't even have a job.

He's fine. What's he doing today? Obviously, nothing. Just go, come on in. What is this guy, a podcaster? Come on. Right. Yes, I do.

I have a podcaster record, right? You don't know. It was like, you were in sweatpants, man. I know you're not going to like a real job, right? Well, what do you think I record a podcast in? Leave me alone. I enjoyed their, uh, their roast theater action for sure. It was great. It was super great. The dad, the stepdad too, at one point turns to the dad and is like, don't worry, I'll take care of your daughter.

And I was like, what kind of movie is this? and is like, don't worry, I'll take care of your daughter. And I was like, what kind of movie is this? What is happening right now? Yeah. At one point, he warns her about the car. She gets the car and he's jealous and he goes, be careful. A car can be like a weapon.

Dangerous. So good. Yeah. All right. But you're probably wondering yourself, okay, Eli, now I know the family dynamic. So good. Yeah. All right, but you're probably wondering yourself, okay, Eli, now I know the family dynamic, but what's this guy's living situation? That's where we're going to start with the ever so subtle introduction.

This is Catherine, and it is, in fact, Catherine. The Vio is like, this is Catherine. I was like, okay, I believe you. You can do whatever you want. Movie. You can ever be Katherine. This is Cecil's best worst. I think this at one point the actress will say scrambled eggs and bacon. And so that is the only evidence we have for what the intention of this food was. Her line is bananas eggs and bacon. This is life, Jack. That is exactly what she says. Yep. And it

is. That sounds good. No, it is horrifying. No, it is not. It is what we see. I'm not saying the woman who is in this scene has done porn. I'm saying the worst thing she's ever had to do on camera was eat these scrambled eggs. Okay. Pretend to eat these scrambled eggs. Yeah. Nobody, nobody. I mean, look, you've had more realistic tea parties with your kid with plastic food than this. Absolutely. I mean, genuinely, when your kid gets that little set and sits around the table and pretends to eat, they pretend better than these two actors in the scene who have never have

anything on their fork and constantly hold a thing to their mouth to drink and then are clearly not drinking anything at all. They'll fall sea. We could spend the entire review just talking about the dynamic of him pouring her a sippy cup of apple juice. It's amazing, but you just gotta watch. Spoods Apple juice. You gotta watch it. Clearly they like caught themselves doing the like fake sip of an empty cup several times. And then finally, like the movie yelled at itself, the Vio came on, was like, she likes Apple juice. Get her that now. There's real Apple juice in the real glad. And then he's like, you like Apple juice, right? He goes and gets a little bit sick and have

a tiny sip of the running out apple juice that they got yelled at. That's in a corner of a cup. Yeah, for sure. Too much. Let me be clear what's happening in this scene, right? Because there's nothing happening, but let me be clear what is happening, right? This is supposed to be the like, oh, brick. Don't you remember that time in Moscow?

I've never won panties since except this woman is saying it the way you see people say like I'm being treated well in an al-Qaeda hostage video. She's blinking her eyes furiously and more scode. Constantly being interrupted by things like voice over talking about how much apple juice she has, shots of Jeff the drunk who is just sitting there in the background of the scene. Sometimes, not all the time. Sometimes he kind of teleports away. At one point, the soundtrack of a Christmas movie breaks in and they all just stop and

listen to it. Like, it's passing through the room. Okay, it's the best when she's like, hey, let's talk about your sexual life. And immediately they pan over to pops just sitting there in the corner. I'm scared. I don't think they meant to win the ver that also. So good.

This is the first time, but not the last time. They will constantly confuse the CIA and the KGB. Yes. And look, oh, do you think they confused them? Yeah. I think they were claiming that he was, because they say he was part of the CIA and part of the KGB at different times.

I thought they were going for, he was like a spy for both at different times in his career. Oh, yeah, but sometimes they're within the same sentence, right? They'll be like, I don't remember when we worked for the CIA. We fought Mosama bin Laden for the KGB. It was a semicolon, Eli. That was a semi colon. Yeah. And look, I know the makeer of this movie is Russian, but they know those organizations are supposed to be different, right? They're supposed to be my favorite explanation. You know, you hit it right on the head. Eli, when you're talking about that specific scene, what it's

supposed to be, but her explanation is she's her, her, her, like what she talks about in the scene is the things they've done in the past. And the one of the things that they've done in the past in Afghanistan, by the way, it's not Afghanistan. Afghanistan, he hijacked his 747 from the president of Afghanistan to go to Paris for her birthday party for his daughter while they were on deployment from the CIA to capture Osama bin Laden and then they recycled the $7.47 for money. Yep.

That's what happened. A hundred percent. Sold at a used car law. Yeah, apparently. It's what, you know, when you have an extra $7.47, you just call Bill down the road at the chop shop and he's able to take that right off your hands. No problem whatsoever. Okay, not exact. Cecil's not exaggerating.

The exact words from this lady spy, Katherine, she's just like, remember you sold the 747 to recycling, we made lots of money. It's seven words. There's a part in this too where they say, she like specifically asked him, because she keeps talking about his sex life. Like everybody loves you, all women love you.

You're a super hot dude, right? And he keeps on just saying like one word or two word answers to her to sort of move the conversation along. But at one point, she's like, what about all those hot single moms? Are you still dating all those? Like it's a porn ad.

Like it's one of those ads that come up while you're watching porn. Yep. I loved how the VO kept jumping in. It just happens throughout the movie. And we get a really great example of it here. Vitaly Versace on the VO jumps in and he has these long things that he wants to say that don't really make any sense, but he makes the actors like physically vamp and just do stuff silently while he's talking for a while.

Do whatever he's saying. Yeah. So they look like crazy people for like a minute at a time. They're, their conversation completely stops. And they like pretend. They just, yeah, because they know he's taught, yeah, they'll just like, they'll do like infinite amounts of bites out of an empty bowl. Well, he's like, the thing about the CIA had you be. You must understand. He's eaties like wearing a surfboard to your nearest Greco factory. And they're just like, juice, I'm drinking it. Right.

The only other thing I have to say about the scene, because it's spiritually important to me, is that in the scene, she announces that she has to use the bathroom and go isn't use this is the bathroom and comes back. And if there's no anything to it, this actress was just trying to get out of the room. She was like, I got the tech a sheet and just thought she was like, he says, called keep rolling. I felt like she's trying to get out of the movie seriously. Absolutely. Yeah. No, she was just, she did, she's however long she's in that bathroom that actress was trying to force that glued window open and then she came back and was like he doesn't know when we could do

this. Okay, but her timing was perfect because Jack our protagonist was just about to start flirting. He was like, you're fun. I'm so glad you came over gonna shit now. She's now is time for shit. Time for yearly shit thing thing so good And you know what I think we're all having the same reaction to the movie that the cat was having to jack So we're gonna take a quick break and then we'll be back with even more Born into mafia to I go take shit now Both here, too. I got tech shit now. Okay, my friends.

I call towards this meeting of evil Islamic, organ salesmen, slash sex traffickers, slash modeling agency. Yeah, okay. So first things first, I really, really don't have time to do another training with you guys. Okay. We hire the girls as models. First things first, I really, really don't have time to do another training with you guys. Okay? We hire the girls as models. Then we give them drugs, then we sex traffic them, and then we sell their organs.

Yes. Chris. Quick thing. Doesn't the heroin ruin the organs? Yeah. We're a black market organ seller, Chris. People aren't coming to us for quality ingredients. Well, what if we use one organ? Do we keep sex trafficking them with like one kidney or

the exclusively for organs at that point? I mean, that is dealer's choice. But please, people keep it in the appropriate section, right? It is all about fee foe in the warehouse, okay? Fee foe. It's a first in first. Yeah, sorry. I got it. Yeah, no, okay? FIFA. First in, first down, yeah. Sorry, first, I gotta, I gotta, yeah, no, I gotta, but I gotta climb on the phone. He says instead of the girl he ordered, we sent him a heart. Ah, this is exactly what I'm talking about.

To tell him, we'll send him a refund. Yeah, no, he doesn't want a refund. He wants to order another, actually. Well, nice, sometimes that happens. Yeah, bonus. And we're back. When we left off, Jack started flirting and Catherine immediately left to go take a shit. And now we're going to make the natural segue from that to the human trafficking warehouse slash heroin dealer slash modeling agency where Miss September is posing in front of a green sheet for the calendar, I guess.

Okay, podcast listener, I want to be clear because there's no physical way for us to expose you to it. But like, I was worried the episode would be too short this week because a not insignificant percentage of this movie is this shot of these women posing not too sexily, but definitely as sexily as Vitaly Versace could convince them to pose in a bikini for the McDonald's lunch that they got. Right. While they get unrelated directions, right? This is the first time that for instance, he's like, all right, turn to the left and she

doesn't. And I realized, oh, no one's like, all right, turn to the left and she doesn't and I realized, oh, no one involved in this movie knows what turned to the left. There's no concept of left. One of these women was just fucking with the movie too, I think, because they were like giving, you know, the directions for the shoot. And she started doing like the quad stretch on one leg and just like, yes, but one is just doing the other. She's like, I'm going to get my yoga in and is a stupid no-get. She's like, I'm gonna get my yoga in and get a McDonald's sandwich deal. I don't know.

She looks like she was stretching up to do the jogging at the end for the credits. Like, that's what she looked like she was doing. Yes. No question. And I also have to point out that they will constantly get back to the same like three girls modeling and posing and different things,

but they haven't convinced all of them to be in bikinis. First of all, none of them are in bikini bottoms. They all said no to bikini bottoms. You're right. Two of them are in bikini tops, but like one of them's just in like a wool dress. Yes, right?

Not even a particularly short or revealing one. Yeah, no, nope. It doesn't fit. It's not form fitting. It's kind of baggy. Sort of just, it's like a going like maybe going to the library dress. Like that's where you would wear it.

Yeah, going to the other seeing friends for a fall activity dress. Yeah, picking apples. Perfect. Yeah, like a pumpkin patch visit. This doesn't where we're introduced to the mystery of the movie, which I'm going to solve for our audience right now. So this is a nursing career office. Yes, it is.

But I spent the entire film wondering, what the fuck this room is? Because in this scene, we see a bunch of choking posters on the wall. The walls are covered in various incarnations of choking posters. Look at that. I clicked the wrong leg, man.

Black casting couch definitely has some choking maneuvers going on. That's on sand. It's choking posters and one diagram of a human arm. That's what we're gonna Okay, but to be clear in the movie this human trafficking modeling organ harvesting Team from vaguely somewhere in the Middle East has rented like a slot in a we work building. Yes, it's so weird. Yeah, and they're basically making their organ selling catalog by photographing the girls,

and then they'll send it back so people can be like, oh, I want her kidney. I would really like her kidney, and this one's liver. Is there any way that we can maybe mix them up a little? That's exactly what I think they're doing. 100%. Yeah. And there's one girl, you know, you mentioned the girls outfits, but there is one girl who is sitting down uncomfortably close to the other girl next to the green screen.

Like they don't have a waiting room. They don't just like, she's going to be taking photos. Don't worry. We'll crop you out of the shot, but you're literally, you basically got a fucking swipe your nose through or ask like a credit card because she's going to be that fucking close to you. Everybody is in like a chiropractor. Everyone's doing an entire movie in a single chiropractor check is what's happening. So this is where now we cut back to the kitchen. Yeah.

With Karen, I believe the name was and our protagonist. She just ripped out a doose. She's letting her air out a little. She's coming back to do. Catherine, Catherine, Catherine. Yes, Catherine. Yes, thank you, Catherine. And she's going to get around to her point, which is that she would like him to help protect

a famous Bollywood actress. There's $7,000 cash in it for you if you say yes. And I don't know why. I don't know why because $7,000 is a big amount of money. But the idea that the like the beat drop moment of this scene is like, it's $7,000. Depressed me so much. I like became so deeply spiritually sad that Vittali Versaceace sat in front of his like 2011 MacBook Pro and was like, okay, but it's got to be a lot of money. Seven thousand dollars. Oh, yeah, baby.

I want to, I want to mention two. This is, this is the food safety guy in me. At a certain point, they're still sitting in the room with all the food. And he asks Catherine, if it would be okay if he makes his daughter a sandwich. He's like, can I make my daughter a sandwich with a left over? She's like, yeah, weird, fine. It's not her house. It's grandpa's house.

They established that it's grandpa's house, his dad's house, who lost his arm, Jeff the drunk. It's Jeff the drunk's house. It's Jeff the drunk's house. That's why he's in the background. And that's why he's the whole time and sometimes teleports out of the chair. But so he somehow asks her if he can make his daughter a sandwich and then he makes the saddest sandwich you've ever seen. It's terribly overcooked scrambled eggs on fucking untosted bread, nothing else in it. And then he sets it on the counter and she's like, oh, is your daughter coming by to eat the sandwich?

She's like, no, it's for tomorrow. And I was like, you're just going to let it sit on the counter. Like, no wonder your wife has custody. You'll try to poison your daughter. What the fuck, man? It's like a raw sandwich. It was the grossest thing in the world. Weird nasty. It's rough. It looked like some of the photos from Fire Fest, right?

Yeah. That's what the sandwich looks like. Yeah. Yeah. Except, yeah, minus the Plastirifone packaging and exactly look like that. Right. But he says, yes, to the bodyguard thing. And that means that well, at first, he says he says no, he's like no, I'm retired I'm not getting back into that game. I don't kill people anymore and she's like it's tomorrow It's $7,000 you have a podcast you're wearing sweatpants and he's like I'll do it Yeah, and that's the end of the scene so we're back with another title card this one again Hold on hold on hold on hold on on. There is a piece of that scene. So Jeff, the drunk is in the back the whole time, right? Jeff, the drunk, Jeff, the drunk, Jeff, the drunk. Obviously. Then she walks outside

to go away. They have that conversation that you just said where she tries to convince him to go on that little be a protector or a security guard for a day, right? So she has that conversation with them. The sun sets during that conversation because they have no lights, and it's literally dark when they finish that conversation. Correct, yep. And then she walks by Jeff the drunk, who says, you come back to take care of my son,

but if he isn't here, I'll take care of you. That is literally what he says. Yeah. And I was like, what the fuck, Grandpa? What is happening right now? And also he teleported like fucking scorpion he says. Yeah. And I was like, what the fuck grandpa? What is happening right now? And also he teleported like fucking scorpion out there. Yeah. He did teleport like scorpion out into the deck.

And no one will ignore, I checked. I rewatched this movie just to check. No one will acknowledge Jeff the Drunks existence for the rest of the film. No. There's a solid theory that he is the ghost of a dead person for the rest of this movie. So I like fight club actually. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So with that seen out of the way, now we're back to yet another title card. This one again says two weeks from now.

From now. From now. Yeah. So are we back to the present now? Or are we from the now, two weeks from the now starting when we just we're watching? Yeah. Maybe the same people were doing the exact same thing two weeks ago. And now we're watching them do that same thing now to now to now. Now it's going up. I'm so confused. We get a shot of the model girls. They're being drugged this time.

Hey, podcast listener, is it Catherine who's in the scene right now? Catherine is one of the girls being drugged right now. Yes, she is. That's what I thought. Okay. Yes, yes, okay. No, I just want to double check.

Okay, all right, I'm there. And the guy will like, weekly tries to put tape on her and she turns her face and then it sticks to her cheek. Okay, and it's fucking amazing. But then... But then... And he has no shirt on? Yes, no.

Okay, yes, shirtless henchman is insane. He will not put a shirt on for the entire movie except for one second at the end, which then I got mad about because I was like, no, commit to the bit your shirtless henchman guy. Exactly. Yeah. But when he puts the tape over her mouth, the tape is out of stick. This piece of prop is tiny from like too many tapes. Clearly. Too many tape. And he has to just hold it in place over the top for a second. You cannot picture how small, duct tape rolls do not come in small enough squares You have to cut a piece of duct tape in like half and then in half again Jeff the drunk whose role of duct tape it was was like don't use so much fucking duct tape

You drank all my apple juice earlier fuck this you drank my apple juice and now he's trying to shut her mouth With like a breathe right no strip. It's like yes It's one of those mint strips listering mint strips that she's using in this stuff. Also, we should point out what this is trying to do. Well, first, so much, okay, first of all, shirtless henchmen. shirtless henchmen, you know how we've been like, hey, this guy has a shirt, and this guy has like a tablecloth. This guy literally has a towel around his head, not in the turbine, not in anything resembling a turban or any kind of headdress.

No, just like after he's got a shower. He got a shower, yeah. But he has pretty much no hair either, so it's just nonsense. No hair, but it still has an on his head. Just straight racism, but. No. There's a 100% racism.

Yes, 100%. And now what this shot is, hey hey podcast listener, have you seen taken, yeah, well, in taken, they have the girls chained to bends and they have them on a heroin. And like we said, but Oliver Sachi saw someone else watching the trailer for this movie, a couple rows back on a plane and he was like, got it. But because all they had to work with was the stuff in this career nursing office. They have attached all these girls to IV machine, not heroin, IV bags, IVs because that's

what they practice. Can you put heroin into an IV and do a slow job? I mean, I guess you could. There's a lot of hair. Slow drip. Yeah. Maybe it's a very different effect than we see in taken. Okay.

I'll take a whole IV a heroin, please. Can you put that in a briefcase for later? Okay. Question. I have not seen taken or any of there's more than one right? It's so good. It's so good. It's a terrible movie, but it's so good.

Has it been ruined for me now? Cause I know what's going to happen. No. It's taken is so much. It's such a, it's such a bike. Exactly what you expect of it. And Liam Neeson is exactly what you expect to. So it's so much fun for that reason. But it's a genuinely terrible movie. Like it's genuinely bad. Okay. You should see it, man. I'm very excited for you to see taken now, Heath, because if you see taken soon and you should like go try and see it in the next like 48 hours because you will now recognize the moments that

it stole for this movie. There's a lot of and appreciate it to be like, Oh, I can't it. That's how it. This is their version of the moon. It's good. You're seeing you're having the reverse experience that the season I had. You should. Yeah. Okay. It's like the opposite of an homage to the story for Sachi, as these periods are gonna get a demosh, if you will. It's like watching the difference between like a musical at a like a fourth grade recital

and a musical on, say Broadway. It'd be like the exact same thing. But you watch the music, you've never seen Wicked, you just saw a fourth grade class do it. Exactly. And now you're gonna go see Wicked. And now Adina Menzel is doing it. Right, okay.

And now you go see it on Broadway, yes. Yeah, and you're gonna be like, whoa! Those kids suck. Mm-hmm. So speaking of ripping off taken, now we have the scene where he is escorting the Bollywood actress. She's practicing her lines in Spanish. In a bikini?

She is not a Bollywood actress. In a bikini. She's practicing her Spanish. Speaking in lines in Spanish. In a bikini. She is not a Bollywood actress. In a bikini. She's practicing her Spanish. Speaking in English in Spanish. Spanish lines, the Bollywood actress. Yeah, that famous. Donnie's got some problematic ideas about race and he really lets her fly.

This particular film. He also seems to be confused about what the earpiece thing that spies have. Oh my God, I'm so good. He looks curly, kind of like secret service thing. He just has that in his head. He's like spies have that. Spies have. Oh my God. So curly, kind of like secret service thing. He just has that in his head. He's like spies have that spice. So in this scene, Jack has that and he's talking to fucking nobody into that earpiece because we watched the rest of the scene. There's nobody else on the spy team. No, except the person standing next to him at the time. Yeah. Catherine. Yeah. Who has it also has and she's literally standing right there

standing next to each other on earpiece. It's like a naked gun movie. Yeah. It's like a naked gun. They're at one point. They're talking into their earpieces. He is walking the actress downstairs and Catherine is standing there and they're both talking into earpieces. I'm not kidding you a foot from each other. They would have worked better if it was two soup cans and a piece of string truly. Yeah. And with less distance. Yeah. So now we're backstage with the Bollywood actress. And again, for some reason, Jeff, the drug is backstage singing her a song. Yeah. There's a, it's a specific country song. I found it because I looked for the lyrics that he was singing. So he, there's an actual song, a country song. I linked in the notes, but yeah,

I didn't know it. I was like, I never heard it. They're going to put me in movies. And I was like, oh, and then I was like, why would he say that? And then so I just typed the, and the Google went and brought up the song. Okay, so to be clear Jack takes his dad on Yeah, absolutely All right, take the mission, but only if my handicapped father can just do an backpack stage doing whatever he wants and they were like Yep, no problem. Yep 100% also. This is where the Vio comes in and tells us that Pops lost his arm in Vietnam. Yeah. And I'm looking at his arm. He's definitely still has an arm. He's not looking at his arm.

It's insane. Still has an arm. He also says, this is one of my favorite best, worst like English moments. He says, he got the gold medal for his bravery. After grandpa stops singing too, the lady turns around who's the volume would act just supposed to be the famous ball. She just turns around and thanks him for singing. I don't know if you remember, she's like turns like, yep, thanks so much.

And he's like, cool, no problem. Sing for you tomorrow. So nice. It's like out of nowhere. I mean, everyone, another one. Take your dad to work day. That's great. I love his singing.

Yeah, no, it's great. This is really normal. I'll play Kate this weirdo behind me for a moment. Yeah. And the hairdresser in the scene with the midriff that is doing here has like, you know, how when criminals are in movies and they talk a gun in their belt, this guy has stuck an entire hair dryer. An entire hair dryer in his felt like a gun.

He felt like a gun. It felt like a gun. The only way it could be sillier is if it was on and blowing out his pants like parachute pants. You wanted, yeah, you wanted to go off by accident. Yeah, just how, mother fuck. Just cut. Pulse out of hair dryer.

It smells like it's balls. Shoots off his dick like a fucking proud boy. Yeah. So my hoots his eye out. Yeah. And again, just like taken, he says, Hey, my daughter wants to be an actress, although that Vitaly couldn't understand the trailer. The daughter wants to be a singer in the movie.

Yeah, singer. No thing. That's a little different. But in taken or in this movie, he wants to be an actress and she says, tell her to get a job at mickid these. Okay. But that's just, you know, to give us an arc for this character named Reebok. Right, I believe really yes.

And also to rip off exactly the taken movie. She wants a lower stake job, just become a podcaster. Exactly. Yeah. So now we cut over to the daughter and her friends. She's getting a call on her cell phone and apparently her cell phone ring is set to an office phone from 1997. So we're thanks for her ringtone.

Yeah, no, free ring stone from Pixabay. I found it. This is also where he tells her that the famous body would actress he's protecting is named Rihanna. I love just just picturing Vittelli. I was not actually trying to make up names and he just keeps hitting famous names and he can't get away from it, no matter what he does. Her name's Rihanna DiCaprio.

Yeah. And then he's like rapid fire like on his time, on the phone with his daughter. He's like rapid fire telling her all these like factoids of what's going on in her life. And then in the middle of all that, she's like from Bollywood. Like she's not even responding to what he's saying at all.

She's just, he's just, he's talking and then she had to have a line there and it was just like from Bollywood and then he hangs up the phone on her. Yeah. And so now we're gonna recreate the protection scene from taking. Yes.

Tali Versace finally makes it into the movie. So this was the star of the first movie. Okay. And the guy who you're hearing doing the voiceover, he is playing the... He's the creep. Yeah, he's the creep. Oh. I should point out that this movie is very conflicted because in taken, it's like a stalker

who's attacking her. And so they want to steal that, but that would be a scene where they weren't racist against Muslim people. So they do the scene where he's like a creepy stalker who reaches out to choker, and they just like shove him aside and get her away. But then as they're riding away in the car, Catherine is like, yeah, that was from the Islamic State. They're doing it about the war in Kashmir. The Kashmir. The really big fan who tried to like get an autographed too hard was a terrorist attack by ISIS. That's what they have. A very specific terrorist attack, apparently.

We also learn that Catherine can teleport here because she puts a knee in this guy's back as they run her to like like they're she's being shot at. They basically push her head down and run her to the SUV right throw her in and then they take off and as they drive away he's like don't worry I'll let him I won't let him get you and then they cut back and Catherine's in the car just in the car like in the car. She's teleports because she's like she just teleported boys of the car like the matrix two thing. Yeah exactly. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. So sometime later, maybe my job is hard to say. Sometime from now, amount. Yeah. In a later time dimension, then the scene we just watched, Bollywood Rihanna is decorating a Christmas tree and he has a $7,000 in an envelope with a heart on

it. That says $7,000 on it. We don't see any money. I wrote my notes, normalized paying your bodyguard in Valentine's Day station. Are you people? She likes puts his name and then puts a heart instead of the adot for the eye, just right over the top of its very cute. Miss Rihanna is, is working on a Christmas tree though. Very skinny Christmas tree. This felt like a 70s is working on a Christmas tree though. Very skinny Christmas tree.

This felt like a 70s tie version of a Christmas tree, not a really like a nice Christmas tree. This is like one that you sort of pay for it. Like, you know, when spirit Halloween is closing up for the season, you know, like one of those like a clearance Christmas tree. It's broken spirit. How the hell have I got this one? But then again, they're trying to re-enact the scene from taking where the actress is like, Hey, here's my agent's card. If your daughter really wants to learn to sing, this is where she can do it.

Except they're just like doing this while they're talking about acting, right? She's saying, Look, the thing your daughter needs to know about acting is it's all smoke and mirrors. They say, and the real quote, they say action when there is no action. Yeah. Sorry. Eli, you've done a little bit of acting, right? A little bit here and there. Yeah. Do they do pump fakes and say action and then you're cooking and start acting and they're like, ah, idiot. No, stupid. I said psych after I said action. Here's what I think actually happened. And this is, this is a deep blower cut.

This is what I think happened. I think Valtali Versace at one point was an extra on a movie or a TV show, right? And he was watching people do it and the actor said action and someone like picked up a glass and put it down and he loudly said, what are you talking about? You did nothing.

Come on, let's make a movie, people. Have you all seen taken? And then he was escorted out of the building, maybe in Cuffs. You did nothing. Come on, let's make a movie, people. Have you all seen taken and then he was escorted out of the building, maybe in Cuffs, and he was, this is him having his revenge with that line. That'll, that's my theory. What does he say? He says like, there's no action. It's smoke and mirrors. And then you pretend to fall in love with someone from someone who wrote a script and you don't even know who they are or something like what the fuck are you talking about. I think what happened is that they said just fucking improv something. We don't have anything written down. Just pretend

you're giving her this thing and we'll just this is all going to be role anyway. We're not going to actually shoot it. And then they accidentally just like hand it to the other and he's like, no, this is fucking gold. She crushed what acting is as good as anything else, Vitaly shot, we're keeping this is perfect. This is what acting is. Or Vitaly Versace is spent like more than a decade in this business being genuinely angry that acting is technically lying. Like he really is mad about that.

That's the other possibility. It's a possibility. I don't think that's out of the question. Yeah. So he takes the agent's card. And so now we're going to cut to him at brunch where his daughter is showing him her new head shot, which is very clearly this actresses head shot, including her real name on the bottom.

I really appreciate it. Maybe we could get her for the, I don't know podcast movie would make a movie. Well, I'll tell you, if anything was maybe confident to make a movie, it is the fact that this movie got made. Yeah. Hey, man, all you need is an iPhone 6S plus, and you can make any movie you want. So they're sitting there, they're talking about her careers and actor. And now we have the most important moment of the film. I'm talking, of course, about his water order. Okay, there's no way this isn't real. This is insane. Eli Bosnick. Yeah. Okay, this is a hundred percent real.

It's funnier than anything I've ever written. He asks for three classes of water, two with ice, and one, warm. Not hot. Do you mean hot? No, warm. Not hot. That's the actual order. I was so fucking angry. The waiter comes over. So the waiter, by the way, is the same guy who plays the like, in quotes, Muslim kidnapper,

the guy who looks like the Russian chef, but is actually supposed to be one of the kidnappers. Right. That's the same guy, right? Yeah, waiter at Panicin or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he is one of the five cast members of this film. Yes, correct. Okay, so this wasn't like, it was part of the operation

of the kidnappers. It was just like they have five guys and they had to have a waiter be one of them. No, yeah, no, it's important to never try to connect the characters between scenes. That's the, that way lies bad. It's okay. Okay.

He comes over and asks them for the order and the order is two cold waters and one warm water, not hot, warm. And I was just like, get the fuck out. If this way to this and just like violently escort them out of this restaurant, I will be angry. Yeah, they didn't order food. They just sort of water.

Warm water. Warm water, two cold and one warm water. And here's the thing. And the waiter and gozen gets it in coffee cups to go coffee cups to go coffee cups with different temperature waters. Yeah. So to be clear, they agreed to use this coffee shop. The coffee shop was like, yeah, you can use our outside booth.

If you use our branded coffee shops, and at one point for no reason, the actor literally points to his shirt and goes, welcome to Pepeca's the coffee shop on 43rd of May. And you could come here. The coffee is very good. I looked at this because they're, they're also trying to tell us the entire time here that they're in Paris. So they are in Paris with people who are native English speakers from America asking if they would like water. But even more importantly, a company called Panican who has had them basically do a long, like longing shot over the bar in Panican.

It took 10 seconds to Googling to find they only have three locations and all three are in San Diego. Yeah, I know. This was supposed to be in Paris. Yes, it's supposed to be in Paris. Yeah, there are a lot of time to spend a lot of time trying to establish that. It's supposed to all be in Paris. Let me clarify again, Heath, you haven't seen taken. So the daughter goes to Paris in taken and in taken. And that's where she gets kidnapped. Oh, so you have to like watch taken as like a pre-rec to watch this? Well, you had to watch the trailer for taken to make this movie. So, but they will, they will several times in the movie just announce apropos of nothing. We are in Paris. Yeah, with the palm trees.

Yeah. But Vitaly was like, okay, but like there's no way in the one we get kidnapped in Paris because all the real sleaze baggos I've met are in a Los Angeles, like that guy who would not buy that watch for my dad. With locations. It's genius way to go. Yeah. So in this movie, they live in Paris and all speak English and everyone they know speaks English. And she's going to LA where she'll be kidnapped. Yeah. Got it. I'm all caught up. Right. On they know speaks English. And she's going to LA where she'll be kidnapped. Yeah. Got it.

I'm all caught up on the movie I watched. And at this point, the waiter comes back by the way, I do want to point out he's this guy definitely took your cue. He came back. It's hot water because that's what he says. Yep. He doesn't say it's warm water. He's like, here's your hot water, sir.

And he walks away. And he walks away. Guess what you have to do? Wait, motherfucker. And then he walks away from him. So he gets a little bit of revenge there. Yeah. Side note, this is the extent to which they don't acknowledge Jeff the drunk in this movie.

Jeff the drunk is in this scene. He does not get a water. He doesn't even get a water. Nope. That's the extent to which he has stopped being acknowledged in this movie at this point. Yeah, no, he's definitely not in the movie. Well, he's in the movie, but he's not really, he's not part of the movie. But this is where the daughter tells him she's been cast in a movie in LA.

Fuck it. And she wants him to sign the permission slip to be in the movie. It's a sci-fi movie. What's the name of the production company? What's the name of the production company that's doing that movie? Yes. I didn't catch the movie. It's a sci-fi movie. What's um, call? What's the name of the production company? What's the name of the production company that's doing that movie? Oh, what is the, I didn't catch the production. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. That's the movie name. See, so that's the production company. That's a production company. I don't know. What is the producing the movie's name? You think the name of the movie is black casting count? Yes, that's

what the daughter said. She says in the movie is a sci-fi movie called black casting couch. It's what sci-fi about it. Is it sci-fi because I'll, they're going to stretch her ass hole. Exactly. Yes. They're going to go see her like a chicken. Yes, for sure. And look, here's the thing.

Valtali Versace is trying to make a porn joke here, but it's the darkest insight into his porn habits. True. I've ever seen, like, you ever met a couple? and joke here, but it's the darkest insight into his porn habits. I've ever seen like you ever met a couple who were weird and kinky and they accidentally give it away once and you have to like never talk to them again, right? Like he'll just be like, well, I know someone else who likes being spanked and they like titter and you're like, we're never playing cards ever again. You know, this the last time you're going to see my fucking face.

That's what this line in this script does is Vitale Versace finished masturbating to the website of black casting couch porn that he pays for like he's typing Y into a search bar. And I don't pay for that. And he goes to YouTube and you can do you there's lots of stuff this art on YouTube. You don't know what I was going to see and he's not actually charged necessarily we were my fix I said that there yeah he says what kind of movie is black casting couch and everyone else in the scene is like come on man you know say the words black casting couch this is fucking's so amazing. I literally laughed out loud in that app and I was like, are you kidding me right now? And again, so I don't know every time we watch these, right?

So that Neil Green movie we did, and this movie, there's a big part of me that thinks this guy is just kidding. Nope. Like this guy is a massive troll and he's just kidding. There's no way you put that in there without being like, no, this is, this is, there's no way anybody would think that's the thing that you would put in the movie and not try to be funny.

Eli, come on, man. A hundred, I promise you. First of all, I promise you no. The problem is, I'm the only one who's trying to be a renavon lunch right now laughing at you. No, they're not.

They're both having lunch by themselves thinking, I'm a genius, I'm a genius They can Ima genius, Ima genius, Ima genius, Ima genius. We need to get both of them together for this movie we're making. Yes. I'm checking Camille right now for both of them. What does she need a permission slip for? Can we, she's 18?

Okay, so again, it's stolen from taking, right? Vintaken, it was a school trip to Paris. Okay. But he was just like, they did it in Tekken, they did. So apparently she needs a parental permission slip to be in black casting couch, the movie. Okay. Yeah, no, sure. But anyways, the mother and the daughter, they're very upset that he's not going to sign

the permission slip because he doesn't trust Los Angeles and he wants to go with her and she says, no, so they storm off. Well, when the daughter storms off though, it is the best storming off I've ever seen in any movie because she can't just get up and leave because mom is taking up the space of the aisle where she could leave. So she has to stand on a bench behind mom and step down and walk away because there's literally not enough room between mom and the table and walk away because there's literally not enough room between mom and the table to get by.

So she has to jump on top, basically like, like jump on top of a table, like do a box jump onto a bench and then jump off. Yeah. And then walk away. And then the mom who wants to storm off starts storming off in the wrong direction and then has to about face. Yeah, I am storming off.

Nope, I'm back this other way. Actually, what, no, can you, scrunch over, just squ. Yeah. I am storming on. Nope. I'm back this other way. Actually, what? No, can you scrunch over? Just squand over. I'm storming over. Ladies, shut up. Over here. She might as well have to zip line out of the sea. That's how I show you. One other thing as they're leaving him, they leave him there with his hot water and also a very obvious copy of the script right in front of him. and also a very obvious copy of the script right in front of him. And then Gramps, Gramps pressures him to sign the thing so she can do black casting. Yeah, he says, like, Gramps is like,

no, she should absolutely do black casting cuts. 100%. Better than this movie. So now we're going to cut back over to shirtless guy with a towel on his head. Jesus Christ. Now this is getting weirder. Again, he's got someone hooked up to an IV

because this is vaguely what the director remembers happening and taking. I just have to point out that in this particular scene where they're all hooked up to IVs, the room is full of CPR dolls. Little CPR babies. Like a dozen CPR. So it's three girls who were supposed to be on heroin.

And like, I'm not kidding. Two dozen CPR dolls. Yeah. And they're all small. Now these are not full-sized dolls. These are not dolls that you would practice on a, on a like a normal sized adult human. These are baby CPR dolls. So they're toddler and infant sized. So even fucking creepier. Yeah. So weird. Why wouldn't they just move those out of the shot for this one shot? Oh no. No idea. I don't know if it's dead. The guy slowly moves them in the shot. He is later on, he's going to be picking them up one by one. He does. Yeah. He's like checking them. He's like, oh, yeah, good CPR. They said like four minutes left at the we work. Yeah. Just sloppy. Yeah. They're like, I get it, get it, get it, get it. We got shot.

Moom from one table to the other. Heath, I got to ask you a question. Sure. What is this guy is in the scene? Do they, is this the part where they show his, this, his towel and what it's connected to? Is this the scene where we get chance to see how his tall is got to his head? I'm pretty sure yes. Very clearly the chip clip thing. Yep, to hold the chip clip holding his tail or your cereal bag inside the box closed to get off the fact. They got one of those and that's how they put a literal just plain towel. Grab around this guy's head and they're those and that's how they put a literal just plain towel

wrap around this guy's head and they're like, that's a turban, right? Yep, turban set. Decorative chip clip. No, chef's kiss. It's perfect. What do Arab people look like? Black, right? Same. Yeah, got it. Black, no shirt, towel, chip clip, nail this. Yes. Holy Christ. This is also one of the girls. It doesn't matter which don't worry about it. It tries to escape in this scene. And they just sort of have her run around the office

building that this fucking travel agency is in. And just imagine how terrible it must have been to be one of the other soulless, nameless businesses When some Russian girl in a tube top comes running around a corner, right? And Vitality Versace is filming her with an iPhone 6. That'll make you buy a storefront. That's how you move to Jersey, right? They're like, no, no. Okay, it's pretty funny if Eli is at one of these we works doing this podcast when that happens and he's like, yeah, holy shit, I'm in.

Oh my god, look at that, they're right there. My life's just crazy. Circle around into each other. It's all big. Sir, they really did mean two weeks from now. Tom's broken the door outside. He's pulled the door off its hinges. Tom is walking inside the door behind him. Yeah, I didn't want to name names, but Cecil and Tom used to have a studio in a really not nice area of town. And they definitely shot this movie in that same film. 100% correct. Right down the street. Yeah. Absolutely. I love that. So this one woman tries to escape her kidnappers. She walks around this we work for a second. She can't find a way out. And then one of the bad guys just like walks in her and like walks her like

scolds her walks her back into like their area back in and then he looks he goes over to shirtless henchmen and other henchmen and he's like hey idiots be careful because you know we're terrorists good never working. Harvester heroin salesman and you really have to watch to make sure because we don't really have any. You're just going to we work and like she stumbled in his podcaster who was talking about her and they started talking. We almost got caught. Yeah. And then the guy, the shirtless guy with the chip clip, he doesn't have a turbine on now.

He's just got his bald head out and he stares at the camera for like 45 straight seconds. And there's nothing that happens. It's just his, his, his eyes, like it's like that person who could pop their eyes out of their head. You know that one person? It looks like that. And you're like, what is happening? And then you wait, and it's still happened. And it happens for 45 straight seconds.

No one says the thing. It's crazy. And then the scene is over. Yup. No, just there it's gotta be like, no, you have to go now. I said something. You have to share it. You have to share it. You know it. This. Yeah. It's like having to do a business

meeting with Heath. Yeah. Yeah. For so long. So I love that you guys do this on air. Alright, well, looks like we're gonna need to have an HR meeting are podcasting firm and also they probably need one at the modeling heroine organ harvesting firm. We're gonna give everybody a minute. Everybody a minute. But first, we give act three, the hard sell. Will Jack use his amazing spy karate to save the day.

Will the black cast and couch be depicted with racial sensitivity and professionalism by the film? I hope so. Will the movie do the movie? Find out that you guessed right on all of those questions when we return for the so-called conclusion of Born in Tamafia 2. Tom, for the last time, doors are push and pull. There's no screw.

All right, I'm in the building elevator now. I'll be up in a second. Hey, hey, a chisel, right? It's Cecil. Checkroll. Cecil. Rekhil. Worse. Anyway, hey, man, you're a Picasso,

right? Yeah, yeah, we have a show. It's called. Well, looks like I'm about to say Mr. Christ, another thangookar, because you should totally be in the movie I'm making in my sister's nursing career office. Uh, no thanks.

No. Oh, hold your reply, Harriet, despite what if I told you that we're using only the hottest girls from my brother's method on clinic? Yeah, definitely no. Okay, man. Jorloss, Chris. Oh, yeah, no, I totally appreciate the offer, definitely no. Okay, man, your loss, Crystal. Yeah, no, I totally appreciate the offer, but no. Hey, are you with that, guys, who always keep breaking the dorsias? Yeah, I'm sorry about that, but yeah, no problem. Sometimes in my country, a door is just a fence. Yeah, sounds bad, man. It is, Crystal. It's Cecil. Sec Sequel. Cecil. Green Crunch. Yeah, you got it. And we're back.

And now we're over at Pops's house. And everyone's chilling on his lovely above garage. Hortch that he has. Oh, God. Little cards. Do you know what son, Danny? Hey, they balcony at my place. If you want to check it out. It's a pretty sweet view of my yard. Treats. Treat outside. For sure. You can sit on my sex swing and just swing back and forth if you want. No problems. Yeah, yeah. It's just two old guys playing cards right next to these two young women on. Yeah, basically a sex swing for like, ogling. It's an ogling swing that they have right now.

Somehow for like people who want to watch and also want to use a sex swing, it's like the goal there. But yeah, he agrees to sign the release. He goes to tell the mom, this is what I call the food off. This is where he eats a banana and inch from his face. And he is eating tomato sauce out of a bowl. Is that what's happening? It's like random to me.

He like opened a bottle of prego and just poured a little little bit of the form. himself a little sippy sip. Yeah. Hey, Vittali, name two foods that we could have two of the characters eating really quick. Just to top your head where you got any foods. I mean, probably the best lunch combination

tomato sauce and a banana. All right. There we go. That'll this is life. I'll do it. Yeah. Remember, we can eat a banana as a boy because that's how they turn you gay from the couple.

By the way, small thing, this movie's just horrible for so many reasons, but small thing, this, they actually have two camera people at least. Well, I know that because I saw the other guy all the way into the shot. In the shot. Right there. 100% in the shot. They never use that perspective, by the way. No.

Instead of breaking the 180 degree rule. Well, because they got that such a perfect, you know, they got it in one. They would be breaking the 180 degree rule. It would take completely disorient the audience. This side of the, yeah. See you, it's like both of this guy's hands and the entire iPhone 6s plus that he's using and the little like plastic thingy

that holds that when you're using it as a camera. So silly. And the crane he's standing on and like entire, everything. It felt like an accidental version of, you remember in like a rest of development where they would like pan up and you'd see like the boom mic there and very clearly like show the people. It was that but like, dude, I'm nervous at all.

They just woke it up. No. Yeah. So meanwhile, back at the modeling agency, the girls are posing some more. I only cut to this again. I know nothing new happens, but this is where the girl does the flamingo pose. She does like the hamstring stretch. Yeah. It's the funniest thing anyone's ever done. They obviously ran out of poses. It's the best. So now it's time for him to drive the girls to the airport where they talk to him about how cool he is. Your dad is so hot. Yes. Oh, so weird. Yeah, he insisted this actor insisted on the

daughter's friend being like, Hey, I'm going to try to fuck your dad and be like, multiple times throughout the movie. Yeah, they had to mention it like out loud. And then at the same time, like she's trying to explain, like at one point, she says, yeah, my dad totally saved the world once. It was kind of cool. It was all right. Yeah, whatever. It's not a big deal. Yeah.

Wait, your dad who chops wood shirtless on the side of the road, and it's really sexy. That guy, that guy, that's the one. Yeah. He's also just like spilling national intel. He's like, yeah, no. So there was like these Russians trying to sell nukes to the al-Qaeda and I stopped them by, well, I can't tell you what I did. But let's just say I made a lot of people who are dead now.

And she's like, what does that mean? He's like, the weather's great, isn't it? Would you girls like a cup of warm water? They blow up. You got a really good warm water spot. It's called Pachika. There's coffee shop. If you guys want to check it out, they let us see. Yeah. It's on the street. Also, by the way, they're in Paris and it has US place. They're in Paris.

Oh, yeah. They're supporting. No, he has to pick them from up from the airport to there. And he's taking them to the airport to go to LA. And all three girls are in the car. And so they have their, they put, they come out with their, you know, their little travel bags and he picks them up in the rented Lexus with the United States plates and drives away to the Paris airport like you do. Yeah. They're just passing the same Eiffel Tower outside. Yeah.

Yeah. Now it's a bunch of palm trees because they're in San Diego. Because they're in fucking San Diego. Yeah, exactly. So now we cut over, he has dropped the girls off of the airport. Now we're going to cut over to him sometime later. Don't worry, we don't get a title card telling us. Going to the mom's house to talk to her and the new husband about how he's worried that black casting couch

isn't listed on IMDB. I have to talk about this opening conversation, right? He walks over to them and the black guy who decided to use the cartoon bird voice instead of a British accent says, are you following us, Jack? Are you walking your dog? And he goes, I don't have a dog. And then he says, would you like to adopt a dog? And then you hear, and the arms of the angels start to play in the background. Yeah, exactly.

And they show one of those dogs who sits outside in the cold. It's like, it was really very moving, very moving, very hard in the movie. Why, he says, are you following us? They're clearly in a yard. Like, they're not, it's not like they're in a park somewhere. They didn't even bother to get a bench. They're sitting in the guy's yard. Of course he's following you.

He came to your house. Yeah. Yeah, but he's worried because black cast and couch isn't listed on IMDB. I wrote my notes. Yeah, well, this movie is listed on IMDB. So it's not a great metric. I feel like it would be listed on IMDB.

Yeah, I think it probably would be. Yeah. He also says that it's funded by people from the Middle East and his wife very reasonably says not everyone from the Middle East is a terrorist to which the protagonist of our movie says, yes, they are. I'm an expert who disagrees with what you just said, almost a protagonist. Yep. Don't tell me about terrorism.

And then, and then she says this, he starts to say something else and then she interrupts him to tell him, you're too controlling. That's why we got divorced because of all this controlling. Yeah. And then walks and then she storms away to go eat another banana. Yes, storms away. She's got crammed that fucking banana in there too. But she does manage to exit the scene in the correct direction on the first try.

Yeah. So she's growing. We're watching her grow as an actress. I wanted her power move food to keep getting bigger. Like now, like, if it's been like a giant rack of rib this time, like, just a few years. She's got like one of those four pound bulls of bread. She's just wearing a long-suffent and shoving it in her mouth. Absolutely. Yeah.

Or die content. Holds tight. She's dipping it in the mouth. Absolutely. Yeah. Or die content. Hold on. She's dipping it in the pin in the jar, a peanut butter that somebody left on the counter there. She's jamming the whole thing in there. Can I ask you guys, this scene starts with Catherine. Is that her name Catherine? The Spanish lady.

Oh, the lady from South America who's Spanish as well. Evidently she's from Spain, but she's standing there. She walks up and she throws money at that guy who was the person who came over to try to attack, re-enable. Attack the Bollywood girl. Darry confusing. She throws the money and she's like, you weren't very convincing or something and then she walks away. What is that and why is that?

No, fucking, no idea. I was just like, nope, moving on. Is that supposed to be Catherine? Oh, she's got a speedy thing. I flushed that from the bram. I didn't even pay attention. Blocked it. Blocked it from my mind.

Like 2020 and 2016. Was, is she part of the scam according to the movie? Yeah, so according to the movie, she paid that guy to rush the Bollywood girl for some reason to do something for some reason. I don't know what. So she's in on it. She's in on it somehow. Catherine's in with the bad guys somehow. The bad guy, the guy with the flyer who wanted the autograph really badly from earlier in the movie. Right. Well, I'm sure I'm sure when like the action of the final sequence of the movie happens, we'll figure it out. You understand.

No, it's fair. No, you know what? Heath, I forgot this is only part two. All right. So now we're going to cut over to the girls taking photos when they're approached by the guy in the chicad. Oh, the kidnapping is almost here. Okay. No, no, no, I am very upset now. Why the fuck did they go through all the whole process with the fucking you got to sign

a release and we're talking about black casting couch and who it's funded by if they are literally just going to meet on the street randomly. I can't just go right just randomly. Why the fuck did we go through all this to get to this point? Because Vatali Versace was like playing snake on his phone during the section of taking where those two scenes were connected. So he looked up and he was like, oh man, I missed it. I bet he just met them at the Hollywood Sun. Where everyone goes.

Cecil, this is a great question. I completely missed it because my brain had melted at this point. I was just accepting it. I was like, yep, this is how this happens. Everything I've done. Absolutely. That makes some other thing unrelated. That's fine. Yeah. That's fine with me. It's randomly meet on the street when there was literally no reason for him to go through all that permission slip drama. So I feel I feel robbed. So this to be clear, this is an organ harvesting modeling terrorism group that does like busking on the street.

does like busking on the street. I think that's the one. The three to the right. The sales team. He actually, he also sells comedy tickets in Times Square. I don't know if you. He has an acoustic guitar. He blows the dust off once in a while, brings that out. You know, you see D and then asks you for a donation after you take it.

Yeah, free paint. himself silver pretends to be a statue statue. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, almost as good as Oregon Harvest. Almost. to be a statue. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, almost as good as Oregon Harvest. So this is how bad it is. He's like, yeah, we'll walk you to the house or whatever. And we watch them walk in silence for a full minute for half the moon for like 30 minutes of moving. Jamie Wynnly, a full 60 second time period. I know I've said it before. If I demonstrated that silence for you, iTunes would kick this episode from the air.

60s X we just want and the girls are sort of half opening their mouths because they feel like they should be vaping. But the tally is very clearly yelling from behind the camera. Not talking. These days, far walking mountains. Hold on though, I think the reason why there's this this like deathly silence that falls over the cast is the previous line when the guy walks up and they're like, Hey, why do you have that fucking towel on your head? You crazy right, like person of another country. She literally says that out loud. Like why do you have a towel on your head? Exactly. I mean, exact work. And he's like, Oh, I'll take it off then. And they're like, Oh, he takes it off. He takes it off. He's like, I don't know why either.

And we're just like, what is happening in this movie? Jesus. In sensitive fucking bitch, Susan, Jesus, get fucking call. Get woke, Susan. What the fuck? Finally, yes. So now we come to that night. He's calling his ex wife to tell her he has a bad feeling still more Extra. Yeah, I found the sound effects for the phone by the way. Yeah, I very quickly was like I've heard that before I've heard that sound effect for the phone And so I went to find it and it is the easiest thing to find. So I It is what happens when you google free Phone ring. Yeah, I was like phone rings free and it came up. Also one little detail right before this phone call,

we get the bad guy making a, after he chats up the three girls as part of his busking terrorism. And he's like, I got him. He calls his like headquarters and he says, I found three girls. They're around 18 years old, no parents. Okay, bye. And he hangs up.

Like that's part of the workflow in there. And you say, yeah, you know, he's, it's just to be like, yeah, no, I'm working hard. I'm, you know, trying to earn my commissions here. Here's my progress so far today. Fuck, I got a report to my, my fucking project manager. I won't get credit for the, yeah, I got a report to my, my fucking project manager. I won't get credit for the. Yeah, I got a green, I get a bunch in and out.

Green, maybe yellow, green leads. Just so you know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So we see some more of the girls posing. This is a really, really long section of posing. And the only reason I bring it up is not because it's not repetitive

because Cecil, I noticed in your notes here, you actually took um, dictation of the dialogue from the closing scene. I took detailed notes and it is, it is this on repeat. Excellent fantastic, very good. Yes, yeah, all right. Excellent fantastic, very good. Yes, yeah, right. And then they said it a hundred and fifty times in a row.

Genuinely, I timed it. It is a two minute and 14 second long sequence of him saying those exact words on RIPI I was like what did I do to break my YouTube this badly that I am seeing this yeah, man It's impressive forever Yeah, you know when you're reading something and you kind of like your your brain wanders off and you read the same and you kind of like your brain wanders off and you read the same sentence over and over. The movie did that. The movie did that.

It happened for the movie and we got to watch it. Movie did that to you people. Yeah, it did it to you. Yeah. And then this is the scene. This is the scene too, where that girl is like in the apple picking dress and she is 100% not getting in anything else.

She is in like, she's not gonna wear, she's not doing nude legs, she's like in black, like winter stockings and like an apple-bicking dress. And she's like, this is as undressed as I get folks. This is it. I'm not gonna do anything more for a big man. And I will do quad stretch or hip flexor. Yep, that's all you fucking get. I wrote my notes. This is what Tom thinks porn is. All right. So it's time for the big scene. It's time for the big finale. Technically of the movie. Is it? It's time for the big kidnapping. So what better way to start a kid, very serious

kidnapping scene than the sheet guy peaking around the windows like a cartoon cat about to try to eat Tweety bird. Yeah. Okay. Why is he trying to sneak into the house of these three girls? I thought like earlier, he chatted them up on the street as part of his normal busking thing. Yeah. But then he invited them to go clubbing that night and they said, yes.

So presumably he would just be like, yeah, he could just be like, get in my car. Returning to pick them up and invite it. Hey Hey guys, we're going to stop at this IV clinic really quickly. Whatever, also question about this moment, he's sneaking around the side of the house for a while. Sure. There's a phone ringing 14 times. And we hear the noise of it, the entire time 14 times it rings. It rings 14 times. He's all counted. 14. Yeah. 14 times. Yeah. And then it's, and it's, I just want to mention, this isn't like a landline phone. This is a cell phone. There is no cell phone. Yeah. That rings 14 times. That doesn't exist. It's impossible. You'd be confused because the ring, like I said, is that of an office phone

at like aism? Yeah. But yeah. And then we're just talking about this. So she takes her phone out of her pocket, right? The other girls are like kind of getting kidnapped. It's hard to tell. There's no action to this bill. She's in a closet.

Yeah. She's in a closet. She takes her phone out and he says, did your iPhone 6 plus bend in your pocket, XS plus. And she says, no, dad, the iPhone 6 plus doesn't bend. And he's like, just to reiterate, you're saying the iPhone 6S plus 59999 did not bend and rung 14 straight times. And now we're talking on it in perfect crystal clear quality. Are you telling me your rose gold? They have, there are four seconds left in this film.

But I don't care how long this review tanks. Do we have any fucking idea why they talk about the iPhone's success is undead of the shot? Well, it's, yeah, the entire movie is shot on the iPhone's successes. It's a fun to be shot. Well, it's yeah, the entire movie is shot on an iPhone success plus. Yeah, Batman isn't driving along in the bat. No, we'll be like, you know, if I had a red camera right now, he would capture this in our definition. Yeah, no one asks.

It's true. That's true. But that is that is in the credits. So I guess that they just wanted to mention. He also did Venk Tim Cook in the special thanks city. So maybe he was really hoping that iPhone would be like, Hey, hi, is this for Tolly Versace? Great. Thank you for putting your phone number in the credits again. Just wanted to say we really appreciated your compliments that you worked into that movie. So we would like to give you all of our Apple money to fund with.

If he put this together for real Eli and you're not and this isn't just a prank, then yes, I believe that he believed that was going to happen. Yeah. No question. Also, at one point, she's like hiding, right? It's the scene from taking where the system is. 100% seen from taking, except for all the good dialogue stripped out of it, right? Yeah. So the really good dialogue from the movie where he's like, I have a very special set of the skills. Oh my God.

I will hunt you like he has like Liam Neeson in this scene. He's you've never seen this movie. He fucking crushes this scene. So I can't win Lee iconic Liam Neeson and they fucking strip every bit of that scene out of this. He does. Well, this movie has all the same racism as Liam Neeson as I understand it. I mean, yes.

And also in taking, is that a towel on your head? What is happening right now? The speech that he gives when he finally gets on the phone, I want to get to a couple moments of the canary, but the speech he finally gives is like, you fucking piece of shit. He actually says, I'm sorry, I improvised a less racist thing than what he said. That was way too culturally sensitive just now, what you said. Yeah. He says, look, I wrote this down.

Look, I'm your worst nightmare. I'm going to get there and then I'm going to torture you. You Islamic piece of shit. Yes. I'm gonna say that. That's literally the last line of the movie. Says he's gonna shoot him in between the fucking eyes too. Yeah, he does.

He does, he does, he drops his F-bombs there. I just one other thing, I know we gotta wrap up, well, we have to talk about the credits, but before we talk about the credits, I just have to talk about her describing the kidnappers, which is she says their Iranian or Sicilian. And I wrote my notes. You hear that season? You hear that?

Swarvey. She knows this. I was immediately racist. Do you fucking racist? I can't believe it. I also want to say she's like when she tells her dad they're there. She says there's these strange least guys in our house. She doesn't say a real word.

She like makes a word up on the spot. Also, yes, dad at this point asks, what's his name, what's the guy's name? And she's like, it's Peter. As if dad was gonna like, Google Peter Muslim and then figure it out. Cause like on the other end, he's like, I'm figuring it out right now.

And he's like, Pianny, and he has like a FBI page up already. He already has a dossier on the guy. Also, want to point out too, when they grab one of the other girls, the girl on the phone with their dad says, they're gagging up Susan. And I was like, this is a hundred percent black casting company.

Like this is a hundred percent. Yeah, no. Right out of the, yeah, you pulled right from that script. Yeah. So that's the movie. Well, it's it's much like into the spider verse. It leaves us on a cliffhanger for the last seven years. Much like it. Exactly like it.

Yeah, and now now let's talk about the credits. Okay. As Cecil is pointed out in his notes, the credits are 10 minutes and 36 seconds long. AKA 18% of the runtime of this movie. The credits are a decent tip for the movie. Yeah. They are. They are not a great tip,

the kind of a shitty tip, but just barely a good tip for the movie. Buy yourself something nice with these jogging credits. They are a hefty African-American gentleman going for a jog. They, it's, yeah. For $8 billion, why? Is it, can we, can we clarify? Yes.

Because I know we're not supposed to connect characters, right? You, you, you warned us against this earlier. Don't make connections. You can't do it. Is this chip clip guy? This is chip clip guy. Okay. It is chip clip guy. This is chip clip guy. Okay. It is chip clip guy. It's chip clip guy. Okay. All right. Just wanted to double check to make sure I was pretty sure

it was chip clip guy. But is it the same character? Like, are we following him out of work on his journey to fitness? And does he? Do you think in his earbuds, he is playing Johann Shabashin Bach or is that just over? Like, what do you think what do you think he gets pumped up by like harpsichord? Do you think that's what's happening here? I mean, I was pumped up by it for sure. I had it on extra fast at this point on YouTube. So that's extra fun. Yeah.

I also enjoyed that he went for his jog through Los Angeles in Southern California in cargo pants. Long. Yeah, cargo pants, yeah, cargo pants. Yeah. And like boots. So like overload training. Does he stop at a fountain to wash his face at a certain point?

Does he wash his face in a fountain? He does wash his face in a fountain. He does wash his face in a fountain. He definitely hills. Yeah, that happens. Okay, I just want to double check you. I liked that he got stopped at a light at one point and he did the truck in place. Yeah, you don't want your muscles as a guy who jogs. Let me tell you this.

You just don't want your muscles to cramp up when you're standing there, especially when you got a couple extra pounds on you. You want to make sure you're doing the ballistic motion to keep those muscles but engorged with what you got those cargo pants to keep you warm. I actually got mad at this point. I was like, why the fuck am I still watching this? It was like, yes, several minutes into just him jogging. But you couldn't stop. It was like the ring. Yeah. It was the ring. Yeah. Because you looked at everyone else's notes and you were like, I don't know about you. I looked at Cecil Snowts and I was like, okay, so it's just jogging. He like, you could stop watching. Eli, you could stop watching. You do not have to keep what, but I watched all six minutes. I was like, okay, so it's just jogging. He like, you can stop watching. Eli, you can stop watching. You do not have to keep what, but I watched all six minutes.

I was so sure that like Iron Man was going to show up and have something interesting. Some, but right, Tony Stark here is the most important piece of the jogging sequence is that there's no reused footage. I watched it twice. Make sure there's no reused footage. So they didn't just play it on a loop, right? So he didn't just jog up a street, turn down by a bookstore, go buy a newsstand, splash his face to the fountain, and then it's over.

No, no, no, no, he's in different settings the entire time. And then at a certain point, he gets in his car to drive to a new place so he could start jogging again. Do you think this guy, this actor is like maybe the main source of money to, he's like a secret EP. He's their funder. Well, the credits did tell us that we could, we could advertise in these movies. So we're worth knowing.

Okay, just to reiterate one more time, Vitaly, seriously, Vitaly talked to us about budget for three. Yes. Absolutely fun, you're saying movie. 100% fine. You don't have to like acknowledge us or say nice things. We'll pretend we didn't do it.

I do want to wear like a, like a Apple picking dress and do some poses in that. Yes, if you do have to put the face on it as a posing. If you let only require absolutely, you could take pictures of my feet. And all right. Well, that's locked in speaking of which what happens in the rest of the movie the that were apparently funding what part three what's the plot. Oh, that's easy.

They never I was gonna put another quarter into whatever hotel room. He was saying and watch whatever happens and take it. And then stretch that out for the heat death of the universe. Exactly. Exactly. The first fucking seven minutes to take in man, the rest to take in is like a whole movie where he's killing people. None of that happens in this. None of the good stuff in taking happens in this movie. Okay. Do you think we're going to get to see Jack do karate? I mean, like we, if we pay for it, we can make him do whatever we want, right? One can only help. Oh, yeah. All right. That's locked in. I bet that guy at least believes he's good at karate enough

for us to be like, do karate and he'll definitely do something. 100%. We could jump out at him and he would do attempt to do this man. This man both owns none trucks and has them on him in all times right now. They're tucked into his back waistband right now and his sister's funeral. Possibly maybe the side of his boot. One of the other. Yeah. No question. Just like Tom. The other side is a butterfly knife that he can't actually open. He just keeps on like nicking himself with it. He's like, oh, fuck, how do you open this thing? All right.

Well, that's going to be the majority of the movie. All right. I think that's going to do it for our review of Born Into Mafia 2, 3 to come. But that's not going to do it for the episode just yet. I guess we found another terrible movie, Eli. What's on deck? Some friends enjoy an out of town rock concert. After some eerie events at their hotel, the friends abandoned their night of rest and

decided to drive through the night back to their hometown several hours away. However someone, or something, follows them home. It's October, baby, which means we're into our Halloween spooktacular with prey. The name of the movies just pray. Pray spooktacular. Yeah. PREY or PRAW. Okay.

Right. That's some wordplay right there. That's good stuff. Spooktacular with that to look forward to. We're going to bring episode 423 to a merciful close. Huge thanks to Cecil for joining us. Cecil, you want to announce the next very sexual season, liberally, there. What are you going to do? Yeah, you're going to fist the fucking... Yeah, what's the next thing? I mean, I guess I got to keep this the turkey now. I'm going up.

So it's just you got to keep getting bigger. I'm going to, I'm gonna seductively make it to duckin'. That's what it's like. That's what duckin'. Yeah, nice. I'm gonna make it to porn music the whole time with a phone ringing in the background. Yes, obviously, yeah. All right. Fantastic.

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Aladdin. Seriously. He made his own Aladdin call. If you'd like to buy pictures of Cecil's feet, we're going to show to you today. There is a number podcast, Mr. There is a number, everything's for sale. Secrol, Cecil? Green Crunch.

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