God Awful Movies - 425: Unwanted Presence

Episode Date: October 10, 2023

This week, Mary and Shelly from the Latter Day Lesbian podcast join us for an atheist review of Unwanted Presence, the story of all the paperwork that most haunted house movies don't have the guts to show you. === Hear more from Mary and Shelly on The Latter Day Lesbian === If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

I Want to point out though that that kind of thing that because they over and over again in this movie They'll start trying to convince Eli that his house is haunted there right there be like Oh things moves that I could have sworn I put in the other place my dog will bark at nothing my cattle stare at something That isn't there the house must be 100 because this movie is literally trying to convince Eli that his house is on it It's going to try to sell haunted house ghost removal services at the app. Right. Right. The fact that this movie doesn't end with a coupon code is the only saving grace that it has. God awful. Movie. Movie. Movie. OOVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII I was like, Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? Spook, Tacular, Spook,

Tacular, Yeah, Tacular. I'm having a lot of fun with this one so far. We're also excited to welcome back returning guest mask because it's so rare. It's so rare that we get anyone to come back. Mary and she'll, because if we're gonna do a Spook,

Tacular, you gotta bring your friends Mary and she'll, Gotta bring Mary and she'll, Exactly. Exactly. The, you know, it wasn't until like, He's gonna introduce us, Oh, sorry, sorry. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, it wasn't until like, he's gonna introduce us.

Oh, sorry, sorry. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no're watching is like, oh, yeah, it's Halloween month. Okay, right. This is supposed to be spooky. Yeah, well, the movie forgets it for very long periods of time. But yes, of course, Mary and Shelley are joining us all the way from the Latter-day Lesbian podcast. Mary Shelley, welcome back. So excited to have you back on. Oh, we're so excited to be here. No, thank you. We've, but we haven't excited to be here. No, we missed you, but we haven't missed watching shitty movies, but we've missed you. Yeah. No, Shelley, God awful movie. Oh, sorry. God. Oh, there we go. I gotta get a plug in for the show. Yeah. You thought the romcom we made you watch was scary. Yeah. Okay. So tell us, Mary, what will we be breaking

down today? I'm wishing we could break down the entire thing, like make it like dissolve or blow up the thousand pieces. Break it down chemically. Yeah, chemically in a bath cup. Oh, like a dead body. Like a body. I like it. Uh-huh.

Gosh, where do you start? I took a lot of notes though. You did. I really, I just end up watching in horror. Like I just had to sit there and I just kind of, well, that's appropriate. It's true. I pushed my notes away and I'm like, Mary's got this. I'm just in it for the experience.

You know something that really stuck out to me maybe because I'm in TV production is, oh, the bad camera angles, the weird dolly moves, the lingering on, I don't even know like carpet porch light. Yes. In dirt, opening credits. Sorry, I'm jumping ahead. Yes.

So many weird, like just weird production things and this one I noticed. Right. So this week we're watching unwanted presence, which is the story of somebody going, hey, um, shit, we were supposed to be doing horror movie for like 45 minutes and then finally getting around to it. Yes. Yep. They buried the lead. Yeah.

And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love the thrills and chills of haunted house movies where the answer is always just still going that house anymore. But you wished they ended with a literal altar call for your protagonist. You will love this movie. That was amazing description. Yeah, I think we're done here.

Yeah, I'm ready. Yeah. Yeah. I messaged Noah last night because I saw he was starting to watch the movie while I was working on the sketches and the ads and stuff. And I was like, Hey man, like I know it's just like bad good for the first hour, but I'd promise you the last 15 minutes of this movie are going to make it all worthwhile.

Oh hell yeah. All right. So this is of course the part of the intro where we do our best worst. So we nominate the movie for being the intro where we do our best worst. We nominate the movie for being the best at being the worst at something. So now Mary, we may have already got yours with the with the weird lingering. Hey, look at this finial, huh? Right. I also want to nominate it for the least attractive ghost. Oh sure. Oh sure. Yeah.

Yeah. I like that. Wasn't clear what they were going for. They were going somewhere between like horror makeup and the first half of a makeover show before they like get someone all dolled up in their new outfits. Yeah. Yeah. It was whenever she would show up on screen, I kind of wanted them to make it a little more

clear because I wanted to see specific details of what she looked like. But this is kind of fuzzy, bad camera. So it was sort of like a zombie ghost, ish dinosaur sort of crypt peepery. It was a lot. It's like there were two makeup artists fighting over the idea, right? Like one was going zombie, the other was going to go. Well, so I was going to go with a similar thing for my mind was best worst lingering

ghost shots. There you go. Cause here's the thing, like the one thing that the last like 30 years or whatever has added to horror movies that wasn't already there is that like insta cut, like where they realized that if you see something short enough, it doesn't matter what it is. It's scary, right? If you see something for just long enough to, for like face to register and, and nothing else, and then you cut away, that's really terrifying. This movie keeps doing that, but it keeps lingering, right? So you'll have

that initial, oh, that's scary. And then you'll just sit there and look at their bad makeup from and go, well, actually not scary. It's just it's kind of silly looking. Like you're going for zombie, or are they going for fucking go? Yeah, it's scary for like one the 10th of a second and then you just kind of start like picking it apart. Like if you're super stoned and you can't stop thinking about something like you're just looking at it and you're pulling it apart because they give you, you know, minutes to look at the ghost face.

So I appreciate that. Yeah. Yeah. It was as though they were going for shortcuts, but like didn't have a fast enough camera guy. Like he was just trying to swing the camera away real fast. They were like, aren't you're going to hurt your back? We'll just, we'll just take everything that's supposed to be a momentary glance and spend like a minute and a half on it. Don't worry about it. Man, it's fine. Uh-huh. Somebody's grandpa that

needed a side hustle. That's, that's what we call it. Yeah. Exactly's fine. Oh, somebody's grandpa that needed a side hustle. That's what we're talking about. Yeah, yeah, that's it. Exactly, yeah. Eli, did you have any best worsts for us? Oh, yeah, I'm gonna go with best worst flirting. It is literally a single line in the film and it will help me for the rest of my life. No spoilers, we'll get to it when we get to it,

but it's the greatest thing that's ever been in any of our movies. So just people here for that. I have the best worst. I got totally skipped over. Yeah, yeah. No, she only all bought my own needs. So I have like a best best and the best best.

I want that secretary that does every fucking thing under the sun. And move with me and run my life. I actually had Mary and I both started just writing down everything she did. And I'm like, this main character doesn't have to do jack shit. She tells her secretary. It was amazing. I want her in my life. Yeah.

My worst is the worst double for the rascal flats lead singer at the very end. Oh, sure. Yeah. The ass-ish guy. Yep. There you go. All right. So how would you get ton of shit to look forward to?

Well, do what? This movie movies in no hurry to get going. So we're going to follow it's lead with a quick break. But we're back in a minute with all the mundane hauntings that are unwanted presents. Mary, will you get that? I think it's more trick or treaters. Oh, sure. Trick or treat.

Eli, Noah, what are you doing? You got rich neighbors. We've hit like two full-sized candy bar houses. Yeah, no, and plus, we're hoping maybe you could give us 20 to 40% off of premium electronics. Please, 20 to 40% off electronics. What do we, Raycon? Wait, you mean Raycon, the makers of everyday year butt, known for delivering high-quality audio and thoughtful features like a 32 hour battery

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Hurry now to buy Raycon.com slash scam and use the code birthday to get 20 to 40% off site white that's code birthday at by raycon dot com slash cam to score 20 to 40% off by raycon dot com slash cam. All right. Now make with the candy. Guys, this is not even close to Halloween. We have a gun. That's a shift in tone.

We really like gun. Uh, that's a shift in tone. We really like candy. Lots. All right, everyone. I call to order this meeting of petty ghosts anonymous. So why don't we go around and introduce ourselves, talk about, you know, sort of where we are this week. I'll start. I'm Mar the ghost cat from the grudge.

And I know that I didn't really need to become a ghost over the whole situation kind of Yeah, not my circus not my monkeys, and I'm aware of that now Well, hi, I'm Law the Rona. I saw my husband talking to another woman and I drowned our kids Which I've done a lot of good work to realize was the problem with that situation and, uh, well, yeah, well, that's, you know, that's me. That's, you know, that's great stuff so much progress. Hi, I miss his good news, not technically it goes, but you know, I'm doing the work. You sure are, you sure are.

Anyway, I curse someone to hell for denying me a mortgage, which again, I now realize is a much more involved project and yeah, that's on me, my bad. Yeah, no, you should have cursed a 2007 housing market, am I right? If only. Hey, sorry, is this the right meeting? I don't think so, you seem alive. Yeah, but I'm really disappointed in the season of Buffy where she and Spike became a love interest.

Who do I see? That's TV nerds. You need to go, it's like two doors down on the left. Oh, right, sorry. Some people, man. Totally. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to start off on a house, but not a creepy house. It's just like a regular house being shot as though it was creepy. Yeah, I they were like C. B. A tone is create no old-timey shit shit

I mean if you think like a suburban cul-de-sac area is creepy in a sort of effluent area I mean it is like it is, but yeah, not in the right way. Ridlining. Yeah, right, right, exactly. Did it say where this was supposed to take place? Because I thought I saw Spanish moss hanging from trees. Did you all notice that? I think I don't think they ever actually specify where I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

honestly, I don't think they ever specify any single thing in this. I say it later in my notes. I think they thought they didn't have the right to nouns for this movie. So right, the vagaries they employ are impressive. Really, yes. And of course, we get the all but inevitable based on a true story tag.

Fuck you, I do. I know from my limited experience in film work that it can be based on a true story just by having maybe like the same name of a dog that really exists. Because I can't see how anything else is based on anything true in here. No.

Yeah, there was a lady who moved into a house once. That is literally how true the story was. Yeah. Yep. That's hilarious. It's about it. So we cut inside the house and we see this woman. She's writing in her diary and she goes to put away the diary and we see that she has a gun.

But it's like, it's like a luger from World War One. It's like an old-ass hungarian pistol. It's like the guns you buy in colonial Williamsburg. Yes. Right. That was the way she loaded the powder earlier. Yeah, right right down the ball. Yeah, muskets.

I know, because I said to Shelley, Shelley's like, oh, she has a gun on the bed. I'm like, what? That's not a gun. What is that? That's like an actual for real gun that you would know. It's a potato gun, yeah. Yeah, I want to know how they picked that.

Like, who happened to have one in the back of their car because you're about to go hunting. They're like, I've got a prop. Yeah, what the hell, weird ass, Nazi? I have a duel with Alexander Hamilton. If you guys want to use my guns, we can do that. And I should point out that this is the like pre-suicide ghost movie montage. Right.

So we're about to get like all the things wrong with her life. But these are Christians. So instead of writing the already incredibly thin requirements for a ghost movie, this is just a lady who's had a very unfortunate series of things happen to her. Yeah. To a hilarious degree, it just keeps going and going. Right, because we flash back to her daughters

who I guess died in an accident or whatever. I'm like, oh, okay. But then it's like her husband divorced her. And then she got a terminal disease from her doctor. And I'm just like, keep going. Make this, make the rest of the movie 90 fucking minutes of more bad thing and then she stepped in a puddle and it was all the way up to her ankle So I got down there

So okay the little girls that you were talking about I thought they were just laughing at her Like they were mocking her. Yeah Yeah, that's what I was like, they were mocking her. Yeah, I'm like, oh, she's getting bullied. Then she's dead. And Paul looks fucking old elementary school girls that are bullied. Yeah. I couldn't believe that.

Also, yeah, but ultimately this ends with her shooting herself with a fucking Bavarian pistol from 1910 or so. How do you get ammo for that, by the way, like, like, just go. I was like, I'm a Walmart. Amazon. Okay. You go to a team. You see him.

John Wicks guy or something. Yeah. I loved the super realistic blood splat on the one. Oh my God. I talked about that as it come like seriously. I would eat. I watch way too many crime documentaries and shit and I'm watching that blood splatter and how there's no blood on the blanket.

I'm like, no, this is so fucked up guys. Oh, shelly's an expert now. Yeah. Forensics. Oh. I'm trying documentaries and shit and I'm watching that blood splatter and how there's no blood on the blanket. I'm like, no, this is so fucked up, guys. Oh, Shelley's an expert now. Forensics. Oh, one of the major themes of this movie is that whichever lady they borrowed this house from was like, you cannot do a fucking thing to my house.

Do you understand? I will pull your eyes out of your skull and jump rope with them. So everything scary movie that's supposed to happen is so carefully done around the credenza. It's fucking amazing. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So, yeah, so we get that shot, then we get the title, right, unwanted presence. And in one of the most jarring cuts we've ever, we've ever been subjected to, we're suddenly on a television

news studio with upbeat television news studio music. Now, the producer who we will never see again is worried about the lady who shot herself. Apparently she's the news anchor. She hasn't shown up for work. So he tells her friend who we will never see again to go check on her while a lady in a yellow shirt Has a big like put me in coach. I can read the lady that we will never see again See again is like put me in coach. I can read the news this time, right? Imagine how bad at storytelling you have to be where you're like all right the newscaster just shot herself

How does someone find her? What's that you say? Anyone coming to the house? No, no, no. I'm going to heat at least 11 minutes of explanation of why anyone would check on a human being who is shot themselves. I'm going to, like, I'm going to introduce four new characters into cops. It's just insane.

I know. I'm amazed we didn't see the producer being born and like going through producer school and landing the big job. And then never see this person again. Yeah, and they introduced people. Yeah, so the lady who was getting her big shot at being a news anchor, I thought this was now gonna be like, you know, up close and personal

on those news anchor stories, but she just disappeared. And she sucked anyway, let's just be honest, there are no good actors or actresses in this movie. Oh, no. Zero. They're all equally horrible. Oh, for sure.

Yeah. I know, but I love that that, I don't know, producer, executive producer, whatever his role is. He's like ordering people around. He gets out his fat Stogi. Yes. You know what I mean? Yeah, fucker.

He's like, just saying, I want to look like the guy from fucking Spider-Man. What's his name? I want to look at that. Oh, man,. What's his name? I want to look. That was it. Okay. That's motivation. Got you. So the studio is just the friend that he sends. She goes to the house to check on Laura. Laura is the lady that committed suicide. And she like, she gets out of her car. She's screaming and crying. And I'm like, okay, like we know Laura killed herself, right? But for all they know she like set her alarm to PM instead of AM at this point.

Like her reaction is fucking hilarious given what she knows at this point. Right. And my question was, did the assistant lady drive the entire way in a screaming panic, right? Was she like in LA traffic being like, ah, shit, the five of us closed. Goddamn, I'm going to be behind this guy for a while. Ah! I know, you're right.

She didn't even discover the body yet. But no, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let's give her a little bit of credit. She did say that she had a feeling that something wasn't right. You're right, you know. Come on, now she, the spirit very well could have told her that there was her friend

With the bloody wall no blood on the bed and a luger with make believe ammo. We don't know. We don't know what the spirit said right No, you're right. You're right. You're the Holy Spirit could have told her anything by now And then this is also where we meet creepy neighbor who is the greatest character in this History of God of the movies. Yeah. So she goes to the neighbor, the neighbor's just like right next to the driveway, like raking the same spot. She will be raking the entire film. Yes. And we noticed that they did.

I'm like, you might want to wear gardening gloves because you're going to have some wicked blister. Yeah. Yes. And by the way, the none of the leads never move. Like every time I'm like, the leader's still there. It's only the same fucking day she hasn't done a thing. Yeah, I love that part.

Well, so like I expected her to turn out to be the ghost, right? Cause then it would all make sense why she's always in the same place and the movies never move or whatever. And the movies nowhere near that clever appearance. But yeah, that would have been great. That's what I thought before I realized how bad this movie was. So the lady goes up and she's like,

Hey, have you seen this seen that woman that lives there? And she's like, I heard a shot in the night. She's bright. Damn. It's like all the others. Yes, like all the others. Yeah, I wrote my notes. Ma'am, I'm gonna need you to do so much more

than just wait in your yard to see if someone shows up when you hear a shot. And then I wrote, side note, I also feel like this is exactly what Noah's neighbors would do if they heard a shot. So this is all tracking for me. You're right. You're right. There's a thread throughout this entire movie of people not getting the authorities involved when they should. Yep. Yeah. Like it's, it's amazing. Well, that's because this movie couldn't afford a fucking cop car, which we're going to learn in the next

Or uniforms Reservoir dogs Yes, my favorite thing about the cops is that they didn't have shoot or kick in the door money No, so they just look at the door cut away and then it's open. Yes. Right. Right. Maybe there wasn't any insurance to cover injuries there. They're just like, you know, well, well, well, being hard. Right. So we're going to put somebody throws out their back.

We could get sued. Yeah. Well, maybe it's also back to the owner of the house going, okay, just don't touch my house. Just make sure you're staying. Don't kick the door in. It's probably right. Don't leave blood on the wall except for this one little designated one tiny part.

And then we have this like long scene of like you know them trying to figure out who to call and they did the family and the blah blah blah none of this ever matters. We're never going to see this cop again. We're never going to see the friend again or whatever. So all of this scene is completely unnecessary. And it's so brilliant because you know they were in the writers room and they were like, you know, whatever bothers me. It's like, what bothers you? I hate when there's like a haunted house story and someone died in the house and I'm like, what was the legal jurisprudence

for the ownership of that house? I would like to see how it goes from Astro to propane. And we finally show this in a movie. We are going to beat the fucking lawyer that handles the fucking power of attorney's shit for this woman. Again, we're never going to see this character again. He just shows up long enough to call the real estate agent and put her in charge of the house. We're just been like the next seven minutes with this character. Right. It's so fucking weird. I mean, is there no next of kin? It doesn't make any sense.

Also, going back to these plain clothes cops, nobody asked to see credentials. These dudes roll up in, you know, a Lincoln or whatever they're in and they're wearing a suit, suits. It's like, how do you know who they are? Yeah. Well, they didn't really do much of anything anyway, because that just kind of wandered around. I was thinking too about how these people were just popping up in the movie

and not really doing anything, and they go nowhere. I'm betting you there was one particular sabbath day in the congregation where they passed the plate around, and they were like, whoever donates the most, will get a part in this. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Oh, that's it to try to get all of the top kick starter donors or whatever. Yeah, for sure. So we watch him do some fucking post death lawyer stuff.

And then we he calls the real estate agent, right? Who will be at least something of a character for the first half of this movie, right? She donated a significant amount of money. Right, right. It's probably her house that we were using. Probably. Seems like it. She was at least somewhat entertaining.

She and the neighbor. Because it was so bad. Like, you know, we didn't look forward to seeing her except to know she was going to say some weird shit. Right. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Our standards got lower and lower as the movie went on.

True. So, okay. So now we're going to get the scene where the lawyer Preston is with Rachel, the real estate agent, looking at the house. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And the vibes are way, way too cheery. Again, like, this is scenes you're not supposed to see in a horror movie. So it's like, Preston, how are the kids? Well, you know, Greg is had, and like, I'm like, four screen minutes ago, a woman shot herself in the fucking head. Can we pick a tone for this god damn movie? God, that's so true. Yeah. Now, are we at the part yet where the ghost does some shenanigans? Yes, not yet. Not yet. It's real close. Yes, This is the, no, the ghost looks out the window here. Yeah. Yeah. This is the first of the, well, that's supposed to be a half second shot, but they show

her for like four and a half seconds. And you're just like, oh, that's just some poor girl that they've made where too much makeup. Right. But then like the real estate agents are freaked out by the ghost. And then they're trying to get out of the house. And it's like, oh no, we're all locked in here. Shake the door, shake the door handle, shake the door. Oh, it's just, it's just locked. No, it's not locked. I was turning it to the right. You have to turn it to the left. Yeah, right. And by the way, what did the ghosts do to scare them? We don't fucking know. No, they just react to something that like, we're like, did they feel or hear or smell? Like we heard like a music sting kind of

or a boat symbol or something, but like, what did they, we don't know. It's a wind blow, something I don't know. Yeah, like maybe a wind brew, something. Yeah. And then we get my favorite undecisurable moment of the movie or one of them I should say, because now in the YouTube video of the movie,

the movie is loading. Okay, let's explain what happens. Podcast listener, the movie we are watching, whatever it was a screen capture of, it is screen capturing a movie that is loading from a different program. And so if you look at seconds, so and so, through so and so, you are looking at a loading screen of the thing that screen captured, and I loved every second up.

It happens like four more times in the video. Yeah. We saw that. We didn't know what's happening. I'm like, huh, maybe it's down. That's what makes sense. Like, oh, they were just really shitty. It would be like, yeah, I'll be doing it. Oh my god. That's great. I'm so glad you guys could explain that because I Yeah, I was confused. Yeah. I thought it was YouTube at first. I was like, oh weird. My internet's pretty fast. That's not how you and then I was like, wait, that's not the internet loading thing and I went backwards and I was so fucking happy. There's also this really stupid moment where we see the the lawyer and the real estate agent sign paperwork. And she's like, well, you know, if we can get a contract, she's like, I have a contract

right here in my hand and he's like, nifty. Yes. That's how I know the transferring ownership of houses works. Great. We love that we learn that you can purchase the house in like three and a half minutes. Three minutes. Oh, yeah, for sure. Yep.

So now we get this, we get this scene where I, I think is supposed to be a comic relief scene where they bring in the cleaning crew. Oh, God. Yeah, to, to, to clean Lord. Yeah, right. No, but the first thing I wrote is like, please tell me these are not the only African Americans in the entire movie. They're not, they're, they're not, they're not in the entire movie. They're not. They're not.

They're not. There's, there's another one. Yeah. And he's somebody's boss. So, yeah, I started making notes of like, why are we making every minority look like stupid, right? Lower class. Yep.

Yeah. And, and our servants. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. That's terrible. Right. Right. Yeah. But so, yeah, so, but this, but this crew of, of, of entirely African Americans are going to go in and clean the, the brains out of this house or whatever, the movie loads again. And, and of course, we're trying

to do the scene where they're like, they're trying to clean up the house, but it's haunted. And so creepy stuff keeps happening, but they don't have the ability to do anything creepy. So it's just like this drawer keeps opening all by itself. Yeah. You know, as though the like the runner was eight, like angled wrong or something like that's a thing that just happens sometimes in all the house. Yeah. Right. I learned from the scene that either my house is haunted or I have too many kitchen gadgets. It's one of those things guys. I'm pretty sure. We also noticed how the camera view of the drawer was such that you couldn't see the bottom of the drawer.

I didn't even have to do anything fancy to make it open by itself. It's just some dude like okay I'm gonna pull it open now. Yeah, with a filament line or something, yanking on that thing. I don't even think they would that bar. I think there was some dudes hand just under. Yes, using it open. I think they were like okay, we're not going to do fucking magicians. Right. Come on. Yeah.

Right. That's that's it's right. We don't have time for fishing line. No, they're like, Dave, move the camera up a bit. My fat fingers are in the shot. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah.

And then once again, suddenly nothing happens. Who the fuck knows what scared them? And so this woman starts screaming for the guys that went upstairs, but they're running down screaming as well. And then we get the only thing that they were allowed to do to this person's house at all, right? This is where we get the shot of the ghost has written, get out of my house in blood on the walls.

And I think that like they did that early, realized how hard it was going to be to clean up and weren't allowed to use the fake blood anymore. Exactly. Yeah. No, she walked in while they were painting, get out of my house on the walls and she was like, oh, that's going to stain and like the rest of the day was just calming this woman down and explaining and no, we promise it really is going to come out. And yes, we'll absolutely repaint the whole room.

Yeah, well, no, we'll do the whole upstairs if it doesn't match. No, we'll make sure that you're because we do know that paint fades. Yeah, so they, they will only use this one shot of get out of my house. And can I just say, if you're a ghost, get out of my house feels overly verbose to me, right? I feel like out or get out. That's enough if you're writing in blood. Get out of my house at 333 folks. 3333. Sorry. Mary noticed something about the didn't make sense was that it said it get out of my house. But also when people will try to leave the ghost wouldn't let them leave. Right. The fucking door. You mixed messages, right? Right. Yeah. I guess if she's missing half her brain, she's not using

a lot. Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah. That makes sense. But I love the cleaning lady's scream too. It was, it was just such a great performance. Really, really good cleaning. Yeah. She brought Ray Gansard in. So, yeah. So they call Rachel the real estate agent. They're like, we're not cleaning your house. Fuck you. We're out. And so then she shmugles right because they can't get the rights to Google. She shmugles cleaning crews. And we watched this video. These people singing about what a great cleaning crew they are. They're real. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no that anything in the world that these people are real and this movie is an advertisement for them. Seriously? They're called the Cheerful Cleaning Crew. They have two crews. They're based in Raleigh, North Carolina,

and you can hire them and they will sing. I would have guessed North Carolina. Their spiel is that they sing the entire time they clean. Are you being serious? So that's the part that's based on a true story. Wait, are you fucking with me, though? Like I need to know. I'm 100% and I'll tell you how I found out about it. Spoilers, this entire movie is an advertisement for Christian

Exorcists. Yep. And on their website, which I spent a very long time examining. Hell yeah. At the bottom, they're like, make sure you check out the cheerful cleaning crew. And I was like, oh, it's a yeah at the bottom. They're like make sure you check out the cheerful cleaning crew and I was like oh it's a joke from the movie. It's not a joke from a movie. It's a real business that exists in the year of our Lord 2020. That's amazing. We're going to come back to them and it's going to get more amazing listeners. So okay. So but before we do that we have to cut to an office party full of entirely new characters only one of whom is going to be in the movie. We had no idea.

Like, what is this office like? Where are we? What's happening? Yeah. Yeah. So guys, we need to show our protagonist. She gets a new job at a new place. What's the best thing for a character to say to her to sort of introduce that?

Is it, I'm sorry your husband died, but on the upside, you got a promotion. That was so great. That was such a good line. I think Mary missed it, because later she was like, her husband died. Yeah, I don't know. I was still thinking about that unnatural scream

by the cleaning lady. Sure, sure, yeah, that makes sense. It didn't make a shit of difference that her husband died. That had nothing to do with anything. I know, that was gonna come in. She never mentions him again. Nope, it never comes back. It didn't make a shit of difference. Their husband died. That had nothing to do with anything. I know. That was gonna come in. She never mentions him again.

Nope. It never comes back. She probably killed him. Yeah. Yeah. She could have just been single. Who cares? Yeah, exactly.

It wasn't a thing. Right. And then I think that basically they were trying to say now, she's not one of those like ladies about the world that doesn't get married all the way into her 30. She's a widow. So it's like, so she's a good Christian woman. She's not ruined. She's not, you know, she's not a lesbian or anything. God forbid that horror.

Yeah. Right. Right. Now I should say, first of all, I should say that this, this actor is lovely. And I only mentioned that because literally everyone who talks about her character at any point in the movie will talk about how pretty she is. It's beautiful. And secondly, we know this actor. This is the second time she's been on point in the movie, we'll talk about how pretty she is. It's beautiful. And secondly, we know this actor.

This is the second time she's been on God off a movie. She was also in the Reckon Siler on episode three, 73 of this show. Mm-hmm. Of course. So she makes, so maybe she's not a clean, you know, if she gets around into the different Christian movies. Right, right, right. Yeah, she's just,

you've seen her at. She'll Christian movie for just about anybody. Yeah. I'm assuming I'm assuming these guys haven't actually met her in person. Yeah, you have it like for real. No, no, no. Okay. Because how would you say nice things about her acting if you did?

Right. Yeah, that would be very awkward. Okay. So and I look, this scene is just completely useless and I have left it out all together, except for there's this moment where he gives her a gift. And she's like, wow, how did you know that I liked this artist? And he's like, I've always known you are a big fan of this musical artist. And they just, they say it over and over again without ever like realizing that they're

allowed to just make up a name or use a real one. Yeah. Right. It's not like you need to get the rights to say you like prints. Right. Well, I personally think it was nine inch nails. Okay. That must have been the problem. Oh, yeah. There we go.

That's what that was. That was the question. And started going down so these could get up the double channel. Yeah. Yeah. He could have been like, I would have given you an actual vinyl LP, but I was afraid you would play it backwards. Yeah. Right. So okay. And then also, so we see her driving to her new like wherever she's moving. She's, she's like been

promoted from this job. And she's moving to a new office where she's going to take charge. And so we see her driving and they, she had to be in a rich person car because she's successful. Oh, yeah. And it's a Corvette, right? Because they don't know anybody who owns like, you know, the kind of sedan or SUV you'd expected this character to own, but that is a rich person car. Dammit. So that, that, that, that's right. I tracks. And they make this actress drive it with the top down because when dudes get rich and we're bald, we're like, time to drive with the hard top down and when dudes get rich and we're bald, we're like, time to drive with the hard top down and feel the wind over my baldness. But this woman's hair is just, yes, but you can see in the two seconds of shot, they make this poor woman

do. She walked out with a fucking electric club level afro and there's been the next three days of the shoot detangling her hair from this one establishing shot. That was some big sexy hair if I've ever seen it. Oh yeah, that was. You know, I think about it. Actually, it's not a girl thing to go out and get a convertible corbett, really. Not in my experience.

No, I think it shows that. So okay, so then you got to, she has to check into this hotel and they're going for like fancy upscale hotel, but they didn't really have like, like this is a hotel that Eli would be mad at me for booking us. Yes, exactly. Right? This is a holiday, right? And everyone stays there.

Yes, everyone does stay there. I'm like, what the hell? The hotel in town. So when the hotel receptionist, whatever, when she's like, your room is 3333, and then she goes, that's my lucky number. And I'm like, oh, shit, something's up with this, something's up with this. Yeah. And then it turns out if I can jump on a little bit, and then back again, the address of

the haunted house is 3333. Yeah, right. Yeah. So, in my mind, I'm like, how are we? So I did some math, which is actually really hard for me. If you take all those threes and divide them into two threes at its time, you come up with six, six, six, six, you sure do. But honestly, that's, it makes a great point about how poorly made this movie is, right? Because it's like three, three, three, three, she's like,

oh, that's my lucky number. And it's like, okay, so this movie is really pushing this series of threes at us. That'll have some significance later in the film, but no, it will not. No, I had to make some shit up. Right, you have to go into Jameitriar, whatever. So.

I mean, I assumed it related to 666, but it really was never, I mean, literally never addressed. I don't think it actually did. I just think I'm brilliant. I think that's serious math on my phone. Okay, I got something. I got something. Yeah.

So then we get Lindsey arriving at her new office. This is where we meet the film's other African-American. He's very successful. Where's the suit to work? So, and this is also where we meet her super assistant, right? Yes. Oh my God, I love her. I want her to be next to me for the rest of my entire life

and basically live my life for me because that's what she does in the movie. Yeah, really. But let's not mislabel her. She is a secretary, Shelley. Yes. The secretary. It's very clear.

Oh yeah, not an assistant that would be to a 2020. Right. Yeah. Secretary. Well, I love this opening bit right. Quis she's like, you know, how do you take your coffee and it's like, oh, that's nice. And she's like, for your newspaper, was she like the local news or the Wall Street Journal? As though those are the two options, I'm like, how about shoot myself with Laura's vintage pistol? Yeah. For real. Did you want to learn about the hunk of punk festival that we have on November 3rd? Or did you want to know what's happening on the planet earth? Those in the option. What do you want to know what fucking Fox News would have you know about what's happening?

I said, no, give me a real newspaper. How about Jesus? God. What I love about this welcoming spiel is that, you know how they say like Trump is a poor man's idea of a rich man and a dumb man's idea of a smart guy, right? This is like an idiot's idea of what an administrative assistant is, right?

And an idiot is like, she would be like, here's your coffee and I'll make sure you get the numbers every morning. Sorry, the number, the number, I'm just going number, the number, do you mean one through nine? Or all positive numbers? Because our printing bill must be off the fucking charts. Only prime numbers actually. Exactly. And they'll be on her desk like it's 1962.

Not being a fucking email, you idiots. Right? Yeah, this movie is from when, 2014, I think. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. It's not from the 1800s. There was the internet back then.

Yeah, right. And also, we need to point this out that, like, at no point in this movie, will we ever know what the fuck this company does? Should this just, she's like, office Lindsey, like, beach can, she's office Lindsey, right? She does that, yeah. Yeah. She's like, can she's office Lindsey right? Yeah, yeah, except be in an office

Well, but she has had a sales I think Is she what are they selling? I I Reject that of something She came in as the boss of everyone. I don't think this movie ever goes so far as to say the word sales That would be way too specific Sales manager at one point. That's what Cory's job is, but we're going to

meet her way late in the game. We also, we have to meet the three office gossip at this point. Oh my god. Who I am. Love. We love that. Fucking love. Yes. So okay. So I think it's the next morning we've got now the assistance given her, her coffee and her newspaper. And she says,

Hey, I, you know, get with all the employees. I want to have a mandatory meeting at four o'clock with the entire team. And I'm like, that's dick move. They're trying to get their fucking work done so they can leave it. Five fucks your four p.m. I'd like to have a surprise meeting on my first day.

Yeah. Four p.m. Fuck, we, we said that too. We're like, what is she's gonna come in and everyone's gonna hate her right out of the gate? And what are you gonna even meet about? And they do meet about something, but it's they meet about something that's nothing. It's nothing to be said. It's the horoscope of business meetings, right? Yes. It's hilarious. They give her like three minutes to talk. And of course, we don't

know what this company does. So she's just like, we need to do better and move upwards and, uh, and, uh, and re-double our efforts at committing to quality. Yeah. She says, I want to be number one in the industry. And I'm like, what industry? What industry makers of this movie think that this building could possibly be number one in. I know.

The number one industry and podcasting looks better than that people. We're so much more right. We could not, we would be like, oh no, the number one podcast industry is like a multi million dollar of media and corporate. Jesus word number eight.

I want to be number one in the next 24 months. Now they could have done something saying, right? She could have said, I want to be the highest performing office in the company in the next month. No, but no, she wants to be the top business in their industry in 24 months. So then, oh, this is maybe the most useless scene in this movie, which is a hard title to take. But we have this whole scene where the secretariat is with her family. We meet her daughter and her husband and they talk about the new boss. Again, we

will never see these characters again. What was the point of that? They paid $3. When they passed the play. There is. We'll write you in. Yeah, yeah. Can we talk about how they absolutely bukkakied this child with sauce? Oh my God. They, this toddler, they were like, it's a toddler, she's got a messy face. So they took nine industrial sized gallons of sauce and they, they drowned the toddler. And then they rubbed this toddler on that

drowned toddler. And they were like, this is how children eat. That I caught that. So I have seven kids. I've seen them all at toddler stage. Their messiest shit, not a one, has been as covered in whatever that sauce was. It's like they dunked her head in and kind of cleared her nostrils so she could breathe.

I think it counts as red face. I think we should cancel this toddler technically. Well, the thing is, is that it's not just that there's too much of it, but it's also dried on, right, because the lady goes to wipe it off, but clearly they put this poor kid in this and they took 19 shots at this or whatever, but that sauce has been there for a while. She tries to wipe it off and it like clearly they put this poor kid in this and they took like 19 shots at this or whatever, but that's also been like there for a while.

She like tries to wipe it off and it won't go. It doesn't come off. No, yeah. That kid still has that shit on her face at the age of 23 or whatever. She probably does. Yeah, to this dream rash. Sure. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Man, poor kid. Child abuse. So, yeah. Now, the only thing that matters in this entire sequence that will ever come back in any way is that we also learned that the secretary loves quote this program. They never name it.

They don't have the rights to any nouns. Oh, yeah. It was probably 700 club. And again, keep in mind that what this means is they were writing the movie and they were like, well, you know, 14 seconds before the end of the movie, she's going to recommend a TV program. And if we don't know, she's a human with eyes who watches a TV program, this whole movie is going to fall apart for people. So that's really dig in.

Yeah, there were so many, well, there were just so many moments like that in this film that you're like, why did they spend time on this moment? What is it? What's it for? The entire movie is why did they spend time? Yeah, really, especially the first third of it. Yeah. Point well taken.

So, okay. So it's the next day we're back at the office. Lindsay's showing up and she's like telling everybody, oh, you know, I'm so sick of living in this hotel room. I sure would like to find a place to live. And the guy who shows her around at the beginning, he's like, hey, you know, I'm so sick of living in this hotel room. I sure would like to find a place to live. And the guy who shows around at the beginning, he's like, Hey, you know what, I know a real estate agent. And I'm like, did the movie think that we needed

to establish this? Right. You could just call the real estate agent. Yeah, I'm so sorry, Noah. I hate to argue with you, but your performance was way too naturalistic. Actually, what happened was this. I hate living in a hotel.

Hello today, I heard you talking, I have a friend who is a realtor. Yes, and a blind. Right, yeah. Michael exits. Mm-hmm. Better get your secretary to dial the number for you. Yeah, of course, yeah.

Right, duh. And then we get the goddamn cheerful cleaning crew. Yeah, fuck yeah, we do. They are gonna wash those brains out of Laura's wall and they're gonna do it well. Sing in a song about Jesus. That's right. I look where I draw a line is the real world.

So I know that these people are real and I know that they exist. But I want to call them so badly and find out if they actually do crime scene cleanup. Which by the way, is not a thing normal cleaning crews are supposed to do or is even legal for them to do, right? You can't just be like, what's higher happy made to come get the brain out of the car. Yeah, it takes like a full on professional company that specializes in this.

And one thing I noticed too is like, girl, blows her brains out. And the brains just sit around for a few days where they're trying to find people who will clean them up. It's just a little weird. Several weeks it's a little weird though. They don't show any of that. Which is a little weird thing. We assume there's brains because we're trying to get the dove channel here. Come on. And the shit that the corpse released once it was dead. Obviously, and a lot of it. Yeah. The ejaculate from the police. All right. I watched that documentary. Thank you. All right. You're welcome.

So we get Rachel, the real estate agent showed up, all the cheerful cleaning crews cleaning up. They're singing. He's got the whole world in his hands. Now, what we're supposed to get from this, this is so fucking amazing to me is that because this crew is singing Christian songs the whole time, the ghost has no power. That's right. Over there. So fucking good. The real estate agent agent, in case you didn't get that, the real estate agent walks in and she goes, well, whatever was haunting that other cleaning crew must not like this song. Thank God she spelled it out for us all, right?

Right. Now, to be clear, if I was in otherworldly ghosts with telekinesis and people walked in and started singing the whole world in his hands, I would sacrifice all my power to be able to kill those people. So I don't understand quite what the movie's going for, but I do get it. I will. I love like they stop singing for a second when Rachel comes in to say hi and I wanted

the ghost to come out right then and slit everybody's throat. Exactly. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. And I want. So I, well, a I'm sure the cleaning crew, none of them, and I want, so I, well, A, I'm sure the cleaning crew,

none of them likely go to therapy, but if any of them did, I want to speak to their therapist about how they can remain chipper and sing these stupid God songs while cleaning brains out of a carpet. Right. Just curious.

It's a real question. It's so inappropriate. It's so disgustingly inappropriate. Yes. Yes. I mean, even's a real question. Yeah. It's so inappropriate. It's so disgustingly inappropriate. Yes. I mean, even if there weren't brains, which there were, they knew someone got murdered, like they would, they would know. And they're like, dude, dude, dude, he's got the whole world. And yeah, have a little reverence for the dead, maybe.

Yeah, damn it. Yes. And then there's this great, okay. So then we get maybe the best scene in the movie, right? This is where the assistant calls Rachel to real estate agent on behalf of Lindsay, while Lindsay is sitting eight inches away from her. I know. Exactly.

So apparently they think that's how assistants were. They just do the first 40 seconds of your call for you. And then a hand you the phone. Well, she had to hang the phone up for her to. Yeah, you know, she's a bitch. She did. It must be really hard to, you know, when you're on a phone call to be able to reach all the way down to hang it back up. You need to get out of your way. Of course. I'll let it be. You need to sit down. When you're angry, you're like slam this down hard. Slam this one down. Yeah, gonna give it to him this time. I think it's not a good call.

And the conversation they have here is great. It's like listening to little kids imagine what buying a house is like, right? Because I need one house, please. She doesn't specify a number of bedrooms or bathrooms or square footage or rice range. She's just like, I've like a house, preferably furnished a nice one. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, this, sorry. This throws me back a little bit to where we realized that main star lady, her husband died. She's got a promotion. She's going to this new job. And when she goes to move into the house, she has only like one piece of luggage. One rolling bag.

One rolling bag with all her own big goods. I just thought of it. Like, you're, yeah, yeah. I heard life is in your room. Let me bring this one suitcase up here. And her baggy with all of her jewelry and shit probably took up the most part of it. Anyways, that's pretty good.

Really? Yeah. She's got some bangles. But yeah, so but then we get this scene where she pulls up to take a look at the haunted house and we get the ghost lady peeking out the window again. Again, they hold the shot way too long. Or is it long enough? No.

I just love that the ghost has to part the curtain with its telekinesis to peek at new beer. Oh, God, dammit. Why can I just get like an inch out in front of the window, paint? No, I got to stay inside. God damn it. All right. Fun fun. And then so we watched these two women walk through the house going, oh, this is a lovely

room. Oh, this gets a lot of afternoon, lighter, whatever. But the music behind it is going to go. It was very creepy. Right. Though. My favorite is they aim for a fake pop scare in this scene, right, which is when main character lady goes into the bedroom and she goes, oh my, and we think she's going to see like blood

or guts or a ghost or something, but she's just saying, I love it. And I wrote in my notes, it's weird to make that noise and reaction to that, but I live with my wife who regularly screams in reaction to drinking water. So I get it. I would say is I get this thing. I love that all the furniture is fantastic, except for a rocking chair. Oh, yeah. It's all grandma furniture, right?

All of it, right. Yes. And okay, who's, wait, wait, wait, wait, now see, I'm thinking things I haven't yet. The lady that killed herself in the house, I'm assuming she was the homeowner. She lived by herself. She was not old. She was youngish. A, why did she have a 12 million square foot home? Why the grandma asked furniture? Like, do we know any of this? Well, and it's even weirder than that, right? Because they make this whole big deal of the rocking chair, right? She's like, oh, I don't like this rocking chair. It doesn't really fit

with the decor of the house and the real estate agent's like, well, you know, this rocking chair has been passed out for generations, then a family. And we're like, oh, I don't like this rocking chair. It doesn't really fit with the decor of the house and the real estate agents like, well, you know, this rocking chair has been passed out for generations, then a family. And we're like, oh, okay. So like they're come back to this. We'll definitely ever see this rocking chair again. I'm sure that we revisited in the, no, we just don't know. Yeah. It's so weird. You think that they would show the ghost rocking in a, like, a weird, creepy way that I that I could get into like a really long shot of the rocking over and over. But she just bitching about the rocking chair for no reason. No, I just that rocker. And then they go outside and she's like, well, I like it. I'll take it. And the real estate

agent's like, sure, you want to receipt? I mean, basically, if you want a bag for the house. I mean, basically, if you want a bag for the house. We died. We died on that. We're like, oh my God, she just bought a house. Yeah. Let's just skip closing and get your move didn't write on it. No, she said someone, I have to go buy the bank. And I'm like, oh yeah, you'll have to go get the money for that.

Yeah, of course. Yeah. And then she's on the phone. I just bought a house. Yes, sir. Hi. Yeah, she's like the phone. I just bought a house. Yeah. She's like, I'll just go get some money from the bank and go grab my suitcase. How does anyone in their congregation who created this movie has anyone bought a house? I'm no. No. I must have known this was stupid. You got to imagine the

ending of this movie. You have to work backwards from the ending of this movie for anyone to think about the ending of this movie. They have to think about anything else in their life, which is why they think businesses make numbers. And houses can be purchased with monies from the bank. Yeah. Yeah. On the spot. Yeah. Yeah. It's on the spot. Well, it's on the spot. Well, you know, what an upgrade. She moved from a room and then added a three and got a whole house. Yeah, fucks me.

Yeah, it's all she had to do. Add one, three. There you go. Well, and again, she walks through and she's like, oh, this is perfect. Again, this is a ginormous ass house, furnished. Like, I don't understand why it seems like you know People women living in this huge house and wanting to kill themselves. Right. Like it seems like a person like her would be looking for like unapartment downtown or something. Yeah, but no.

Well, she doesn't look at anything else either. There's like, oh, I love it. Okay. Yeah. Let me go to the bank. It's my look to the one house. Yeah. All right. Well, tell you what, we're now caught up to the part where a normal haunted house movie would fucking start having established absolutely nothing. So we're going to take a well-earned break, but we're back in a flash with even more unwanted presence. Great job on the episode so far. Oh, thanks. Yeah, yeah, thank you. Now Eli and I were actually going to order some wings. Do you guys want some?

Yeah, thank you. Now Eli and I were actually gonna order some wings. Do you guys want some? Um, I mean, I think we're okay. No problem. Eli, just the usual then. Yeah, you got it. One 24 bucks of wings, one tofu wings extra sauce.

No, no extra sauce on the tofu. Uh, what's he doing? Oh, you know, inflation has made ordering take out a real pain, but if you shout from the upstairs window, they can kind of hear us over at the wing stop. No, 24, 20. Well, no, if you were looking to save some money, why not cut your wireless bill to just 15 bucks a month

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It's too late. He's actually already on his way over with the order. He's holding socks. Yeah, those are extra socks again. Good morning, everyone. I'm your new boss, Mrs. Smitherson. Now, I know I'm new here, but I think you've got a great team. And I'd like to see us be number one this time next year.

Now, the way we're going to do that is to ask. Excuse me, I'm sorry. Oh, yes. think you've got a great team. And I'd like to see us be number one this time next year. Now, the way we're gonna do that is to- Excuse me, I'm sorry. Oh, yes, you have a question. Number one in what? Sales, profits, productivity. Both, so are all of that. So our strategy will be-

Hold on, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Guys, I'm really just getting started here. Well, right, it's just, it's just that we're not gonna be number one. Well, not with that attitude, we're not. See? No, I just like, it literally, it doesn't matter what industry we're in,

the number one of any industry is a multi-million dollar company. We're like six desks in a conference room next to a planet fitness. Well, if you look at my predicted sales, I think you'll see we've got a lot of potential. That's literally just an arrow pointing up into the right. Correct. Well, on the way to number one. Ah, look, lady, I don't know how to tell you this, but you can't just decide to become number one. That's not, that's not even something. Guys, guys, I just read in Business Weekly, we're number one.

Our numbers are up. Hooray! I knew you could do it, team. What the fuck is even happening right now? And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with Lindsey moving into her new house in the rain. And it's in the rain. I guarantee you because they had this house for four fucking days.

So if it was rain and they were shooting in the rain, exactly. And this is supposed to be like a creepy stuff happening montage, right? The ghost moves her purse, right? Never wrote my notes. Okay. So either my house has a ghost or my wife has ADD. One of those things is happening right. Right. Well, they had to have something happen with that purse because they we look at it for so long on the table. Well, it's it's there.

She sets it down so conspicuously that we're like, let me guess the ghost is going to move the fucking. Oh, look, the ghost. Yeah, look, what is the per and why? Yeah why yeah right what was the Trying to accomplish You need to reapply your lipstick But also I want to point out though that that kind of thing because they over and over again in this movie They'll start trying to convince Eli that his house is on it. They're right There'll be like oh things move that I could have sworn I put in the other place. My dog will bark at nothing.

My cat will stare at something that isn't there. The house must be haunted. Because this movie is literally trying to convince Eli that his house is haunted. It's going to try to sell haunted house ghost removal services at the end. Right. The fact that this movie doesn't end with a coupon code

is the only saving grace that it has. God. God. But you know what? movie doesn't end with a coupon code is the only saving grace that it has. God. But you know what? That dog didn't react to anything in the house. That's true. No, no, it cannot get that dog to bark. Nope.

That dog was like, this is some dumb shit. And I want to sleep through it. I want to have no part of this. Yeah. But yeah, no, we'll get to the dog in a second because where the fuck the dog came from is, is a mystery to everyone. Oh, yeah. We have to explore it a little bit.

But before we get the dog, we get her introducing herself to the neighbor. She comes over, she's like, hi, I'm your new neighbor and the neighbor's like, hi, I hate you. I just fucking hate you and will for the rest of the movie. It's like, uh, that's weird. Right, I wrote my notes. Okay, so this is what it's like when Noah introduces himself to his neighbors. All right, we've got everything going down down in Georgia. He's covered now. I love her too. She's like, I hope this one doesn't die too. Yes. Yes.

To herself. To herself. Yeah. Yeah. Like, and she's not going to warn anyone. She's just like, oh, yeah. Her neighbor is going to get slashed. Yeah. Right. Good shit. So the next morning, we get her waking up her alarms going off. Apparently the house came furnished with the dog, right? Because now she has a dog she will have to like where was this dog right? Right? Because we saw her check into the hotel. There was no dog. Oh, the dog was in the suitcase. I feel like the dog got a nicer hotel, right? Like when we say this red ruffin, me and heath, get a different hotel. Yeah, that's what happens. The dog was like, okay. No, thank you. Right. It's hilarious. I know. I didn't say the dog in the convertible.

No, no, exactly. No, right. So, okay. So she's getting ready for work and everything. And she, she finds the diary from the beginning that the ghost, the lady that committed suicide was writing and right before she killed herself. Yeah. Two cleaning crews missed that diary. Crazy. And the thing that has pissed me off the most about the diary, she never fucking reads it. Thank you. If I see someone's diary sitting there and that person is there and they turn their head, I'm going to read the fucking diary. She found a diary that no one could bust is there and they turn their head. I'm going to read the fucking diary. I want to know you.

And she found a diary that no one could bust her for reading and she didn't. Yeah, give me a fucking break. Yeah. That's the most unbelievable part. Give this movie credit, right? Cause we've made a lot of fun at this movie today, but this movie was like, guys, we don't have it in us to write a diary of a lady who's being haunted. We can't even write a movie of a lady. Yeah. We'll just find it.

It'll just show up in some spooky places. Okay. Well, and it's also so fucked up because she's like, oh, this is a diary from the woman who committed suicide. I'll throw it in the trash. I'm like, you don't even know if she has family, you asshole. Nope. Garbage.

You're garbage. And hello evidence. Evidence. Like that. That should have been taken away with the cop exactly at the very least you should check and see if they want it. Yeah. And then we're going to meet Corey. Now Corey is another employee at this same company that works for Lindsay. She is the director of purchasing the two of them will become

friends and there will never be a reason for that within the movie. Except for if you're a lesbian in your mind, you're like, oh, they're banging on the side. I'm like, well, right. They're on a date? No question. Yes, they're totally banging. Yeah. That's the thing is that they present this because she's like, hey, do you want to go to dinner with me tonight?

I would love to go to dinner with you tonight. And I'm like, does this movie not know? Does this Christian movie not know these two women are fucking? They're just, this is this movie movie just like they must be roommates? Yeah, this movie, yeah. This movie, I guarantee you, the guy who wrote this movie and directed this movie and starred in this movie was like, you know, how are we, well, you know, my wife has that friend Laura.

They go to the candlelit dinners together. Laura is a full on carpet muncher too, by the way, 100%. Yeah a full on corporate month or two by the way, 100% yeah. And we should point out by the way, this character's name is Corey, the assistant's name is Carrie. I know. I know. I would do that. So, it's the whole time. Sorry, secretary. Oh, yeah, yeah. Sorry. I keep trying to be too respectful. I'm sorry. Yeah, please. I keep trying to be too respectful. I'm sorry. Yeah, please. So, okay, so then we get Lindsay and Corey on their dinner date and we get Eli's best

worst flirting. Oh, that's here. Oh, my God. Okay. So here's what happens. They're on their dinner date and the waiter comes over and he says the gentleman at the bar has purchased you the house appetizer. I fucking died.

I fucking died. I fucking died. You know how to drink? He sent over cheese sticks. I know how so. Appetizer. Have you boys ever done that? I assume you've gone to bars and clothes back in your single days. Like, if you ever sent over the house appetizer to try to woo a woman into your bed.

That is so generous of you to assume that we ever went to a bar or a club. That is so that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to us on this. I'm. I'll tell you if you're asking my head as I said it. Am I the kind of idiot who would try to send someone mozzarella sticks is flirtation. Absolutely. I end up eating those mozzarella sticks by myself when they were sent back in horror. Yes, that's true. I'll touch it. Well, so, but my first thought was because that like, we all thought this was a couple. So I was going to ask you, does that happen with lesbian couples?

You go out on a dinner date and guys are like, we sent you drinks. We sent you appetizers or something like, does that, is that like a constant? Oh, all the damn time. Only because they want a threesome. Oh, that's the only way. Oh, I get how I'm like, so clearly dude sending the cheese was like, oh, cheese will get too gross.

Oh, right. It's gross on my job instead. Why bother with martinis when I can put some matzistics in the confidence of men that you see a gay couple and you're like, hey, any chance you both want to find the only thing I know about you is that you're not shopping for my brand. And I'm wondering if you would like to share why he was sending cheese sticks because they

were slightly phallic. Oh, yeah. Right. I'm warming them up to the idea. Yeah, yeah. Got it. That's why you guys have stayed gay. The minute you have a mozzarella stick, bam, right back to the table.

Oh, every time I can't have a mozzarella stick, that is some scary shit. Cause I mean, with the mozzarella stick for 21 years and I don't want to go back and so don't send me to escape the mozzarella. I escape, I don't want to go in reverse. Yeah. But to your point, there is something so male. And this is, of course, not all men, but so many men when that, even my friends, I'm one forever and I'm gay, we've all, they just think I need a good fucking all B straight

again. Yeah. It doesn't work like that. You guys don't get a good fuck and not be straight. Exactly. Right. So yeah, I'm glad the guy went with the, went for the cheesy. He could have pulled it off, but he didn't. And so, okay, just so yeah, now that we have that important director of purchasing

whining and dining scene out of the way, it's the following morning, no dog this time, the dog's like, I am one scene, you get one scene with me. They only have the dog for one day. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Back to the pound. Okay. And then of course this is the scene where she goes into the bathroom. She lights her. I'm going to take a morning shit candle and then she walks back out for a second and sees that the diary has escaped from the trash and is now on her bedside table. And in case you don't get the significance of that, she literally says to the camera,

I thought I threw that in the trash. Something's not right. And look, a lot of horror movies will go for the, I thought I threw that in the trash. It's a trope, it's corny, but only movies of Christian quality will be like, I threw that away. And now it's back. Like we can see the presence of it man In a normal almost half decent horror movie

There would be a reason that the journal was brought back. There's something in there. She's supposed to read Just moving shit around like I want this over here. There's no reason for the purse or the diary I know too bad the ghost didn't like whip it open to like page 24 and write and blood get out of my house. That could have been exciting. Right. No, it should turn to page 333 of the fucking diary and find something about the rocking chair there. Oh, yes.

Stupid fucking. Exactly. So meanwhile, the office goss gossip are reading an article in the newspaper about a haunted house other than her. Right. Right. This is a let's introduce that different story about a haunted house in the news. That's so awesome.

Think about how stupid everyone involved had to be to write that scene. Yes, everyone. Well, we need to bring up write that scene. Yes. Everyone. Well, we need to bring up that the house is haunted. Could she say about the haunting in our house? Goddamn it, Greg. Shut your mouth. They're going to be reading an unrelated newspaper article for all shooting in this antique pistol. I brought to the movie set. And unless you start thinking that this movie didn't belong on God awful movies, as they're

reading it, one of the three office gossip says, you know, my church says that this is a demonic activity type thing, but I'm not too sure about that, right? So hint. Yeah. Throw the church in. But yeah, the front, we see the front page headline right because then we've got the Lindsay looking at her at her Wall Street Journal or whatever. And the front page headline says, local house haunted experts say, like experts in what?

Do you know what experts? That's right. How did, how come they didn't have her go for the local paper instead of the Wall Street Journal when she was given the options? I don't even believe she was reading that damn neighbor. She's all of them. Yeah. This movie's falling apart. It is.

I want to know who the experts are. Like that, I love just the, like when you say experts say or scientists say, like who are these people? They're saying these things that are not true. Yes. Yeah, that's some good shit. So yeah, so, but then she's like, oh, you know what, maybe that's it. Maybe my house is haunted.

That's why lights are coming on and candles are blowing out or whatever. Um shit. She goes as she gets cori and she's like, Hey, when you come to my office while I explain the entire plot of the movie so far to you and painstaking detail and she's like, I sure will. Obviously. Yeah. Of course. Well, Dye, you always call your girlfriend for a quick, for like a newner in the, in the office and without the door. Yeah. Your house being haunted. No, I, I get that. There's nothing wrong there. Come on in, I've got mozzarella sticks. Maybe that is it, the writer of this movie is shit

and they're going like, I bet that's what they're talking about in there when her friends are talking about. They're probably talking about haunted houses when her and her friends get those hotel rooms in the middle of the day so they can talk about it. They can't do it about it at the house because that's where the ghosts are. Yeah, I'm saying it's all come again.

Can I also just say as a practicing lesbian, They can't do it about at the house because that's where the ghosts are. Yeah, I'm saying it's all come again. Can I also just say as a practicing lesbian? Who needs practice? Who needs practice? As a classic, as a practicing lesbian, my gay dar was going off so many times when those two were together on set. Yes, just saying in real fucking life, okay? Yeah, in real life. That's all.

I have a hunch that this movie, the people who made this movie were like, look, this movie sucks. But we have two lesbian porn actors who are left over from their shoot, three girls, two cups. And today, we can actually shoot a bunch of footage for the movie with them during the day. And then at night, we can do the pick-up shots for three girls, two cups. Perfect.

Oh my God. That's so good. Well, they come up with this dumbass. So she's like, Corey, what should I do about my house being haunted? And Corey says, I've got a great idea. Why don't you throw a housewarming party? That made no fun of me. That's what I think.

But it was awesome. That was so strange because it was like the next day. Yes. Not only is that an insane thing, but then she starts walking around to the office to people that she's clearly never had any social interaction with and saying, I your boss would like you to come to my house at 6 p.m. tomorrow. Tomorrow. What she did call a mandatory fucking meeting like every four minutes after she showed it.

Yeah. So they're probably like, oh, we have to go to this too. I right. It's ridiculous. Why not even just to emphasize what an asshole boss she is. They even have the the secretary go like, well, I actually, I have, I have plans with my family. She's like, please, I really need you to be there. She's like, I'm not really sure that I can't just like, please, it's really important. I'm just like, well, okay.

Yeah, such a dick move. And to be clear, it is not important, right? It's not like the secretary has a ghost detector, hidden up a hooch, right? Right. There are already people coming to the party. This is what a boss thinks is the right way to behave when you're inviting people over to your house, like the lonely weirdo you are.

You force them. Yeah. And again, what's the, like you're bringing them to a house where you know there's a violent ghost. Is this like a, you know, there's a bear chasing us. So I'll have someone to push down kind of thing. Yeah. What was the point?

Like if we, if we bring enough bait, then the ghost will come out like what, what, and then what? And then we'll buy you'll get her in a full Nelson. You stand behind her. I'll push her over. You know, I just, yeah, I didn't understand that logic either. It was kind of like, well, did they think that the warmth of the house warming will make the ghost go, oh, they're all right. I'll just leave now.

Right now. I'm outnumbered. I'm outnumbered. I read it. Yeah. I think I know what it was. I think that this, what, because this is Corey's idea, right? This is Corey's idea of role play.

So we're going to have this, all the people in the office come, right, and be here and then somehow, some way, this is going to turn into Corey and the other girl banging in the bathroom. Yeah. That's a cool. Is that it? You need to get your lover over to your house, but you don't want to seem suspicious though.

So you throw a super lame house party. Everyone gets tired and leaves early and then you and Corey can finally skizz or even better. Like a voyeurism thing? Or maybe it's, it maybe you convince them it's haunted so that everybody runs the fuck away, right? Yeah. And then, and then you could say,

Cory, hold me, I'm scared. And suddenly the enemies are hard. And all of a sudden the clothes are coming off. That's it, that's it. Yeah, I'm writing all these tips down by the way. They're in the room. Next time, yeah, just all you need in that scenario is an order of mozzarella sticks.

Yeah. Yeah. Grease the wheels. So, yeah, so everybody comes up over for the housewarming. There's this great moment where everybody's showing up and the dog is just screeching at everybody on the way in. They don't know how not to have that dog in that room, apparently. I don't know.

And then she goes, they all sit down for dinner and she's like, all right, I want to just go around the room and everybody tell me how you became an employee of the corporation. And I'm like, fun. I would literally, I would do anything to get fired in that moment. I'd be like, hey, I'm a child rapist. Just so everyone knows I'm a child rapist. You have a loooger? Anybody has a loooger.

And what have an old timey, I can chew myself in there. Man, hold on. Okay. But to be fair, the response that she gets is so funny that I laughed by myself. Let me give you a little backstory. My wife had COVID this week, which means she was isolating in her bedroom.

I slept in our living room. There were no days, there were no nights. I just lived in our living room for a full week this week. And the response she gets from this one woman, I stopped the movie and cried with laughter alone in my living room for 10 minutes because she asks, how did you get involved with the company? And this woman says, again, I am not joking. She goes, I have a great story, but I have to go to the bathroom. Yes. I think I need to snort a line first, though. I'm sorry.

I would love to tell you my story, but I absolutely must take your shit right now. I'll let me just say, I'm glad I'm wearing brown stockings because there is a real mess down there. I've got a turtle head poking out. And it's really just about where this thing is all. But when I get back, I'll tell you about my high school internship. It's going to be great. Yeah, so it's like, let's take the long route upstairs to the masters. Oh, we're going to talk a way that there are no bathrooms downstairs in that house.

Of course, there have to be, but in there, you get the house is huge. For sure, there's some on the main floor. Let's pretend none of them are working. There's going to be at least two or three upstairs for sure to whoever sends randos from the office into their master bedroom bathroom. Right, nobody does that. Well, especially when these are the gossips, these are the fucking office gossips. And you're like,

would you like to walk through my bedroom to use the bathroom? Yeah. Absolutely. No, I get it, because I will do anything to get into someone's master bathroom because that's where the secrets are. Right?

If someone's like, oh yeah, it's just down the hall. I'll be like, actually I can't go to that one. Is there something that maybe has like every medication and also what toothpaste you use, where I need to go to the bathroom? Oh, there it is.

Where can I rifle through your drawers and find the vibrators? Yeah, absolutely, yes. And you are the reason, by the way, why nobody sends guests to the master bathroom, because they know you're gonna to rifle through their shit. So they're, yes, I'm going there no matter what. It's your choice as to whether or not I pretend I'm going upstairs to see your kids'

rooms or whether or not I go up there to pretend I'm taking a shit, but I am getting in that soccer and I'm seeing whether you use water-based or oil-based loob. Just so you know, that is a rule for me. Fair, personally. Fair enough. So yeah, but they go, she goes up to take a shit and of course the ghost is trashed the bathroom and she screams, and it looks like by the way, the room looks like, like when people didn't give us

Halloween candy when we were kids, right? Like that, that is just toilet paper. Like there's nothing scary here. No. Yeah, I wrote down the ghost tee-peed, the bathroom. No, yeah, I wrote down the ghost T. Pied the bathroom. Oh, yeah. Because again, the lady who they borrowed this mansion from was like, oh, and the bathroom's all messed up.

Okay, I'm just gonna stand here while you destroy the bathroom. I spent six months designing and they're like, I think one piece of toilet paper is fine. That'll probably get the point across. A question for you that the movie did not answer. So when the person went into the bathroom, was it already like that? And she screamed because if I went in someone's bathroom and it was like that, I'd be like, holy shit, what a slot, right?

Or was she trying to take a massive dump and then suddenly every, like, the thing would be like, what happened? Right. Was she giving birth to a Chipotle burrito season two? trying to take a massive dump and then suddenly every like the whole way, everything. Like what happened? Right. Was she giving birth to a Chipotle burrito season two? And then it did. Because here's the thing, if you're taking a shit and stuff starts to happen, you can't just stop taking a shit.

No. To sit there shitting being like, ah. Right. Ah. That's the appropriate scream. You don't scream if you walk into someone's bathroom like that hasn't been cleaned up in a while. It's not a scream. You don't scream if you walk into someone's bathroom. Right. Exactly.

That hasn't been cleaned up in a while. It's not a scream worthy moment there. Yeah. But they scream everybody has to leave. Unless Noah starts screaming every time he walks into my bathroom. Yeah. Holy shit, it goes. No, just still slum.

So but all the gossip sleeves and they leave Corey Lindsay and the secretary back there talking about how haunted Her houses and there's this dumbass fucking moment where like Corey's like well, why don't you come stay in my house? You could sleep on the other side of my bed. I only use one We know how that starts and she's like no, I'm gonna stay here. This is my house dammit She will decide like eight minutes from now not to stay in this house. Right. She's lived there for three days. Right. Missed opportunity. Take Corey up on the offer. She's hot. Yeah. So this could have been she made up the entire

ghost shit just to get into Corey's pants. I know that would have been a good story. Much, much better better movie much better So that we watch her clean up the trash that's left over from her Aborted dinner party. We actually watch that we watch her take the trash out to the road Kind of surprise she didn't have the secretary do that Yeah, he's just out there breaking. Yeah, right. You're right. So she takes the trash out and the old lady neighbor is also taking the trash out at the same time.

And this is where she's like, you know, I probably should have mentioned this earlier, but your house is filled with the spirit of death and everyone who lives there dies really quickly after they move in. And she's like, oh, you saved that information, huh? You, um, rationing that out. Are you? That's, um, nice of you. But that's enough to convince her to leave, right?

She's like, oh, well, I knew there was a suicide, but there was also a murder in the house. I'm going, can I stay at your place? Right. Yeah. Why, like call Corey, y'all. Wait, no, the neighbor doesn't like you. Sometimes you need the gentle, guided hand of an older woman the whole life throw up so that you're ready for the

Cory's in your life. Okay, not everyone needs a pillow princess. I'm very grossed out. Next door neighbor lady, she's going to bowling ball you. You know, this is, this is an all night long situation. Dry hump, she's got a hump back, all right? She's got to pee some things. The bells.

Thank you, Mary. Oh, God. So she goes back to her house to get the dog. At least she gets the dog and then she brings it over to the neighbor and she's like, can I stay here? The neighbor's like, no, when she's like, I have nowhere else to stay. She's like, no, because the other chick was to fuck you. I know I've been watching the movie.

I live right next to your driveway, staring at your house. Jesus, like I don't know. Her exact quote is, don't talk to me, just go in the guest room. Yes. Well, she asked her to. She's like, that dog is gonna shit everywhere. And she's like, no, probably not.

She's like, oh, all right. Okay, fine, go. Well, they can't say shit on a Christian movie. Obviously. I know. Right. Yeah. So yeah, then it's the next morning at the neighbor's house, and we open up on them,

having coffee together, and the neighbor is yelling about how bad the coffee is. And I'm like, but it's your coffee. Right. I thought that was weird. Did she go back to her haunted house to get beans? Like, great. Good point. This whole scene is fucking amazing because what very clearly happened is she was like,

and can your mom play the neighbor? And she was like, yeah, but you know, she's just going to treat everyone like shit, right? Because all the beats of the horror movie of like, thanks for letting me stay. No problem, dear. You can always call me. All those beats are being established, but fucking Noah Luzion's the lady version is like, fuck you, get the fuck out of my hand, get out,

get out, get out, kick you in the fuss. And take my coffee with you, because it sucks. Yeah, you just gave that neighbor a way too much credit comparing her to Noah. Oh, just kidding. The compliments are just flying this way. Right? This is the self-confidence episode of God awful movies. But did you look at the color of the coffee? I understand why she was complaining about it. It was like orange. It was strange. It was not coffee colored at all. But it was her coffee. Yeah. So she mixes it with tang or something. Yeah. So she says, get out of here and take

that animal with you. And like, and Lindsay's like, I wasn't going to leave you my fucking dog right on her way out. She says, and I quote, she grabs the space ball bat from this from right by the torch. She goes, all right, but I'm borrowing your ball bat. Okay. She said ball bat and I was so turned off by then. Okay. Well, first of all, I have a lot of questions about that, but my real question is,

because we all have that moment of anomia where you can't quite think of the word. You're like, oh, what's that thing called? But what happened in the writer's room that this guy wasn't like, what's that thing called? And no one filled in baseball bat. Right. No one in any part of this movie making process, craft, shooting, the actors, the writer, the directors. No one was like, oh, that's actually baseball. You mean baseball bat? Not one person.

Let Lindsay's like, line and they just went with it. Right. But even if nobody could come up with the base, you could leave out the ball, right? Cause you could say I'm borrowing your bat. That is a step to a word, yeah. Like more or less is fine. So, and also she gonna hit the ghost with a fucking bat. Yeah, this I am knowledge says that ghosts, you can't actually touch them, right? That's what makes them ghosts.

They move through things. Definitionally, yeah, you can't call one with a Louisville slugger. Exactly. Thank you. Makes no fucking sense. Just once I want that to work though, right? Just one horror movie. I want someone to swing about it, the ghost, and for the ghost to just be like, oh God, oh, you got me. I was being solid so I could move some shit spookly, but you got me

right in my kidney. And now my kidney hurts and my ghost kidney. Oh God. So yeah, so then she goes to work. The next like the next morning, she's got to, she's got to go to work and have that awkward. My house got too haunted at the party last night conversation with her. Was that the walk of shame that she did? Yes. Exactly. Thank you. The entire staff of this office that makes numbers will treat her demonic possession

throughout the rest of the movie, like a fender bender or termites, right? Right. Yes. How's that plumbing issue in your house now? Yeah. That's a go. Yes. She's like, yeah, the walls were covered in blood.

And then she says, and I want to make sure I got this right. She says, and worse, I had to stay with my neighbor. I'm sorry, worse than a spectral demon who forbidding words in blood on your wall. Would you have to hang out with a cranky lady who lives next door? And also you didn't, because you could have fucked Cory instead. Obviously. I know. Every choice was wrong there. Every choice.

But then this movie takes the greatest goddamn act to turn in the history of God off of movies. Oh, yeah. Because the gossip say, what you need is to hire yourself a psychic and a ghost hunter to come into your house. That's when we know shit's about to go down. Yes. Yes.

And it's going to be expensive. We're not going to get any estimates. We're just going to go for the first one. Right. Yeah. So she's, she's like, okay, well, now that's a thing I have to do. So let me call my secretary and make her do it. Of course. Right. So she calls the secretary secretary and make her do it. Of course.

So she goes to secretary and she's like, Hey, I need the best psychic available. And I'm like, they're all tied. Yes. They're all tied for best. Or they're all number eight. Yeah. I was gonna say, yeah, they're all equally good and or bad.

Yeah. She's like, I need the best psychic available. And also the best ghost hunter team. I don't care how much it costs. Right. Yeah, but the secretary does let her know that it is expensive. We have no idea what that means, expensive, but she does have to let her know. No, but again, since this movie is like trying to sell us on exorcism services, the fact

that they won't tell you how much it is. It's a lot like that, you know, those infomercials where they're trying to sell you a sauna and they'll never tell you a fucking prize. Right, exactly. So yeah, but so we jump ahead a little bit to the assistant coming back and telling her, oh, hey, I found you a psychic

and I found you, go center, we got you good ones. We got you Socrates the psychic. And I'm like, well, that sounds a legit, like a legitimate human being. Weird poll. Who I should pay money to. Absolutely. And also pinpoint ghost hunters, the guys from TV and point. We should check them out like the cheerful cleaning, Lucy, if they're real, too, they probably might be. Absolutely. Probably are. Well, it is based on a true story. True. True. So now the gossip's over here, this and they run in there like, oh my gosh, you took

our advice and she hired Socrates, the great, the psychic of which we are all fans of arily. I mean, jumping up and down. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. They're so excited. Right. Like the Beatles on Ed Sullivan. Yes.

Yes. All right. Well, anyway, those three are exciting. And that makes three of us. So I guess we can take another break. But first, let me give you the act three of the hard sell. Will Socrates, the great be everything you hoped he would be? Will the last third of this movie be three times as nuts as the first two thirds? Will this movie turn out to be a 90 minute commercial for an actual ghost removal service? Okay, I kind of spoiled that one already. Find out the answers to the other two questions are also yes. When we return for the better worse than expected conclusion of unwanted presence. Excuse me. Yes. I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help

but notice you were sitting alone. Can I buy you some double bacon potato skins? Sorry, what? They're really quite good here. Oh, I'm actually waiting for some friends. Well, now we don't have to be hungry while we wait, do we? Your potato skin, sir. Sorry, you got two orders. Well, after all, a man never lets a pretty lady eat alone. I didn't even know this place served food. There's a restaurant on the other side of the hotel. So tell me, where are you from? Is it silly to say come here often? You know, I actually think I see my friends over there, but thanks for the potato skins. Double bacon loaded potato skins.

She's gone. Again. Hey, man, if you want to order and eat two orders of potato skins, you can just do that. Shut up, Greg. Fine. Fine. Tsk. Tsk. And we're back for still more of this shit Stato skins, you can just do that. Shut up, Greg. Fine, fine. Tsk.

And we're back for still more of this shit and we're gonna rejoin the action meeting Socrates the great he's showing up at that hotel that's beneath Eli. Yeah. The only hotel in the town apparently. Right, right, yeah. And I love every choice this actor made, right?

Because they told this guy dress like a psychic. Oh, he did. And he did. Yeah, they did. Inale that he sure did. Yeah, he dresses like every picture of every person my wife has ever told me is famous in folk music. That's what this guy looks like. Oh, he's true. He's the best Boone's player in the world, huh? Okay. Yeah, I see that. Does he know his jacket has sleeves? Or no, that's a choice.

Okay. How come he never puts his like, did you notice though that his arms looked really short and the sleeves were really long? He probably borrowed it from someone and it's like shit. Oh, they get a sleeve or two long. I can't put them in. Yeah.

Yeah. So he goes into the hotel and he says, my name is Socrates de Great. And I so wanted the receptionist to go, my name is Socrates de Great. And I so wanted the receptionist to go, no, it isn't. I don't know what it is, but it ain't that. Consumant professional.

She's like, yeah, it sure is. I'm gonna need to see your birth certificate, right? Yeah, I'm right. Also, I'm sorry, you're not allowed to call yourself ex-de-great. Other people have to give you that. You can. Yeah, that's an honorific.

That's definitely not something you take. Even share wasn't like share the great. No. We also get a shot of him meditating. Yes. And I think this is the same as the like husband who thinks that the friendship she has at the office is that they, you know, share hotel rooms and go on long candlelit dinners. I'm pretty sure someone's wife caught her husband on his knees on all fours in a hotel

room. And she was like, what are you doing? And he was like, you meditated. I meditated on my knees on a bed. That's what we do. He was on a fucking bed. Yep. Did he have like a sidekick with them?

I bet there was some exchange from time to time. Yes, his assistant was with him. Yes. There's a lot of gay going on in this movie. Again, like the entire movie feels like two gay couples trying to fool, like some respective spouses that they're just trying to make a movie, right? And they have to have a movie at the end of it. Yeah. Yep. Yep. So now okay, so he shows up at the house, which means that we did not have to watch him check into the hotel at all. We didn't know.

No, most of the scenes in this movie we didn't have to happen, but they did. And so she opens doors. She's like, oh, you must be socrates and he goes to great. he's like, oh, you must be Socrates and he goes, to great. Yeah, I think you meant that. That's a fucker. But he's very impolite. He kicks her out. He's like, take your barking animal and get out of the house.

He has a communist accent. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come into that. Right up front. Yeah. I think Socrates's power might be having worse vibes than an undead spirit, right? Just look at the ghost turns to her and is like, hey, please don't leave me alone with him. Did you see how he meditated last night? I'll at least, I'll, I'll, we'll be chill.

I'll do only Halloween. He says to her cancel lunch. Yes. Okay. There's so much ghostiness going on. Right. Right. He won't have time. And then this, she's like, well, now I have to go back to that same hotel because it's the only hotel that exists on the planet. The only one. I love that she's been there one time and the lady, the receptionist remembers her. It's like, oh, we have got, we've got your regular room ready. Yeah, right. 333, it's all ready for you.

Uh-huh. Well, she knows because Corey has checked into 333 as well. Yeah, right. That's probably how we're going to. So yeah, we also have this like useless as seen where the gossip's decide they're going to go by our house and see the psychic in action. And they were dressed up like burglars. Did you notice that? Yes. Yeah, there were an all black like the hamburger. Yeah, it's like hamburger. So great. But before we get to them, we got, we have the secretary comes in and she's like, hey, I put together a report on your house because we'd already made zero through nine and it

turns out you can assemble all the other numbers with them. There wasn't really any need for us, our company to exist. But anyway, so I have a handwritten report of how haunted your house is going back to the fucking 18th century. Yeah, she made a little book report for her. She did. I mean, maybe she wants to get a piece of that ass too. So she's trying to. Yeah. I don't know. Of course, he's ever put together a research binder for you or anything.

I was just wondering. Oh my God. I don't tell you about how I actually have a very unnaturally long tongue. Yeah, they were worried about it when I was a kid. Lindsey's like, I can only date girls with C names. It sound exactly the same. Yeah, right. Exactly, exactly.

Until I meet a chick named Curry, it's just a two-year-old. Ha! So, and then she's like, she's reading through the report, she goes, uh, 1700s original owners of the land, and I'm like, slow down, whity. I don't know about that. Right. She goes, there's a long history of death in that property. I'm like, there's a long history of death everywhere.

Everyone has died. To my house in the 1700, whoever was living here is fucking dead. I'm sorry. That's a good point. Good point. She keeps going through. She's like, she'll flip a page, read the pertinent death to us allowed and then turn

the other way. It's so stupid. She even says it this way. She's like, why didn't I listen to the real estate agent who told me that history? I mean, no, she didn't. We watched the whole interaction and between you guys meeting and you owning the fucking house. Why are you gaslighting your audience about this?

Yeah. That's right. There was no time. When you walk into a house, you say, this is perfect. Okay, sign here. I'm going to the bank. There's no time for the history from the 1700s. We're not going to talk about it. No, exactly. Yeah. So then we get a sheet check. Back into the hotel, we get the Scooby gang sneaking

up on her house. Oh my God. Yes. Dressed as a hamburger. That's the hamburger. This is a great moment. They were so proud of this moment, right? Because they go to the window and they can see Socrates, the great sitting in a table talking to no one and then they take a picture, but in the picture you can see ghost girl sitting across from. Yes. Yes. It's based on a true story. Yes, you're in.

And they have this weird like we can't tell anyone about this moment where we're like, you guys are gossips that's your entire personality. Why would you not tell people about this? You will tell. You can and you will tell. Of course they will. Yeah. And speaking of telling, all of the times where again,

it was written in blood on the wall, got out of my house, the cops were never called back. Nope. I kept struggling with that. The girl, what's her name, Lindsay, would rather go back into the house to get like her makeup for work, knowing that someone had written in blood and shit.

She just goes like, I'm gonna get my makeup, I'm not gonna call the cops. That someone's vandalized in my place. Like what, what are we doing here? Yeah, right. Yeah, it never occurs to anyone in the movie that it could be a human being doing these things. So yeah, we're safe.

We're safe. We're safe. We're really hired two different psychics before they're like, what about a real person? We should check for Prince. No. Yeah. It was something that could be verified to exist. Yeah. Could have been a legit break in for real. Right. And so, okay. So now it's the next day. The secretary comes in and says, Ms. Parker, Socrates just facts over his psychic report. I love that.

We are facts to weird delivery. Where's he faxing from? So I guess he's, he's as antiquated as the other Socrates. I guess, right? Right. And he's doing the Jersey thing. He's like, oh, man, this is a bad spirit. I'm not going to lie to you.

This is going to cost you. This is bad. It's cool. It's a dream. No, it's all the way down to the foundation. This ghost is all the way down to the foundation. David, we only at the surface level, I could probably do this for like two, three hundred bucks. But yeah, this is real bad.

He ends his facts by saying it has a spirit of death and it's gonna kill you. And her immediate response is, you mean I can't go back to my house? Right? Right. It's like all heartbroken that you can't go home to this. Somehow this house that is now just being so much to her. How many days it has it hasn't been that she's lived there?

Well, right. She's lived there for everyone else's furniture. Yeah. I unpacked my one suitcase and now I can't wait there. And there's that fucking horrible rocking chair, but I can't live there anymore. Yeah. And I don't live there anymore. Yeah. And I don't feel like the value of the house

has changed much in the last eight days. I feel like you can still get your money out of it. Yeah. Totally. So yeah, so then we get the ghost, the psychics like, yeah, you gotta ghost nothing else I can do, then the ghost hunters show up. And we get, we get her like greeting them.

There's a great moment where he's like, if there are any ghosts here, I guarantee our equipment will find them. And I'm like, I am also willing to make that guarantee regardless of the equipment, right? I'll do that. I'll say the same thing with a pencil. It's like Larry Curly in Moe. I mean, big Joe show up on the scene.

And of course, of course, the neighbor spots them, right? There's more leaves to rakes. That's right. Well, and she's like, well, how long will this take in this? And he's like three to four days. And I'm like, Oh my God, they, they take so much fucking money from people three to four days. We're at a $1,200 a day rate. Yes. Yeah. If podcasting doesn't work out, we just got to start undercutting psychics and ghost hunters. Like, yeah, and I'll come and work out, we just got to start undercutting psychics and ghost hunters like yeah And I'll come and do some nothing for 300 bucks 300 bucks and all the pizza I can eat done in 24 hours

Just bring in some fancy looking doc matrix printer and your VCR yeah on a stick. Yeah, well, and also they kick her out too, right? They're like and also you can't be in the house for the next three to four days while we're, and it takes longer than that by the way, they end up going over ultimately. Yeah, I think they're over there for five. Yeah. And this is the first time I wrote my note. This movie primes its audience for Charlotteson so much that I feel like a psychic and ghost

hunter produced it. Spoilers. Yep. So we watched the, we watched the ghost hunters ghost hunt for a while, which is nothing. No. Again, this is what like one fraud thinks another different fraud does, right? But then I got wondering like, what do, because there are no ghost hunter shutties,ies right you don't buy an old metal detector if you think you're doing a real thing Right, so what's the get in the house?

Do they like is it sushi go is it board game? Right, yeah, actually Yeah, that's the question came up. Yeah, right So yeah, and so they go into that they're like oh, oh, you know, our 2d2 goes off or whatever, right? They get some peace and they're like, oh, we got to go to the master bedroom. That's where we're getting all the readings. One guy says the temperature just dropped by 50 degrees. How does that even happen? No, you right and then and then the other guy he's got this like I don't go detector

Nonsense device or whatever and they can't think of any way to say that, oh, that's off the charts. Whatever that reading is. So they have it just catch on fire. Yeah. It's so ghostful. The room is so ghostful. His ghost sector catches. You over overwhelmed it, right? Which is by the way, now it's very important that I recommend the only Ghost Hunter show you should ever watch. It's 2011's Canadian television show, Paranormal Home Inspectors,

where they teamed up a home inspector with a psychic. And people are like, my house gets called and he's like, you put stuff in front of the vents. And they did seven episodes, and it's the greatest thing that is ever fucking happened. Tell you. Awesome.

All right. So back at work, Kerry, the secretary has more ghost paperwork for Lindsay. This time they, the report from the ghost hunters, right? Yeah, but these guys are advanced. They emailed their so far. They're right. They did. They're cutting it.

Very much of this century. Well, Socrates is like 80. Come on. Give the guy a breath. No, that's fair. That's fair. Right. The fact that he was using facts instead of carry your pigeon actually is. Yeah, I'm picturing Socrates with a large print phone like my mom just being like tell me how to send an email with this ghost report.

And the ghost on a report is like yes, there's a ghost living in your house mostly in your bedroom. We were there for five days. Here's your bill. And I'm like, that's not ghost hunting. Right? Like when you go out deer hunting, you don't come back and go, yep, there were deer. Right? Exactly. Well, it depends on what kind of hunter you are. Some might, you know, well, yeah. I think that's a good idea. Yeah.

Did Lindsey really need to pay these people to have them say, yep, there's a ghost. I mean, they knew. She didn't see anything that no one else saw. It's right and get out of my house and blood. Thank you. What else was, yeah, thank you. And so, and then she turns to carry and she goes cancel all my appointments. I'm buying a gun and going back to the house.

Did she learn nothing from the baseball bat incident? It doesn't hurt. It's a ball bat. What happens? Yeah. But this is base shit you're talking about. So yeah, what is her play? I want to know her play.

She's going to go home and shoot the the bucket ghost already got shot. That's what started this whole thing. Right? You can't, you can't scare a dead ghost. Wait, yes. You can't scare a ghost who died by a bucket, cut all of that shit. No one, no, no, leave it in. No one. You keep every second. No, you keep every second. Go ahead, go ahead.

And then just a reminder of how useless everything in this fucking movie is. Kerry, the secretary, she calls, she goes, Jeff Lindsay's gone to buy a gun. Who the fuck is Jeff? Right? I assume that's her husband. Why are we calling Jeff about that? No fucking clue. It's not her husband.

Oh no, it might be her husband. Her husband's dead. Okay. Kerry's husband. Yeah, obviously. Spaghetti guy. Yeah, right. So then, okay, obviously spaghetti guy. Yeah, yeah, right. So then okay, so she pulls up at the house. Lindsay does ready to John Wick that fucking ghostly. Yes, right?

That would have been hot by the way. So hot. She brings, she brings her dog. Yeah. Right. Like, why wouldn't you be like, Hey, Corey, I'm going to fight a ghost with a gun. Can you watch Isaac for the afternoon? Okay, But if Isaac had had a tiny dog gun, that's my favorite television show. Yeah. Yeah. He could have had like a proton pack like the ghost busters or something or carry the trap. Yeah. By the way, ghost buster cappers. Oh, God. We haven't talked for a second about how messy the ghost hunting team were and they left Starbursts all over the dining table. Starbursts to Doritos. The scene gets distracted from itself. She goes into shoot the ghost

to death and she's like, oh man, this chips everywhere. And then that is how the scene resolves. The scene resolves with her being like, hey, you guys left chips all over my fucking house. Can you imagine like, imagine you know there's a serial killer, axe murder, rapist, everything in your house. And you're gonna go in there and fuck him up with a gun that you just bought and probably don't know how to use. And you walk in, you're not scared.

You're just like, fucking a, the kitchen was not like this when I left. Oh, I just thinking I'm never gonna get all these crumbs out of the carpet. Yeah, it's so and okay, so I'll admit I forgot about the ghost hunters at this point and I was thinking that it was supposed to be that the ghost just had a fucking party ranger. You want not really a ranger because it's gerritos and starbursts, right? Like you've never been to a really good party and thought and said, wow, look at all the starbursts. Was that product placement? Did they have some sort of arrangement with, you know, Frito, and all I ever made. I'm sure Frito was intimately involved in this film. Yeah.

So it's so funny because they don't have the rights to any musician or TV show, but those show starbursts. Yeah. And but then just when you're thinking there's no way this movie can still justify its inclusion and gamm, Carrie prays to Jesus that Lindsey won't shoot the ghost and we'll get a good night's sleep tonight. That's what you call a turning point. That's a turning point. That's a classic movie turning point. So let's call it a minute. Call on the power of Jesus. Yeah, and let's think about this for hot minute. So she's, she's, she is asking Jesus to make it so that Lindsey doesn't shoot the ghost and that Lindsey can sleep well. If you think that you have that kind of faith and quotations, because I hate that word, why don't you ask Jesus to make the ghost leave? There's a guy that she warms

up with a kind of lame prayer. Also, I can't believe she gives a shit. How many Christians in this country own firearms? Right? Yeah, why is she afraid? Why does she care? That's true. Yeah, at least she got one from this century. And then here's the fuck up thing. So we see her, we go back to her house, she lays down in her bed in full, fully dressed wearing all her jewelry and everything. She lays down and then we cut to the next morning. She's at the office and she's yawning, which means that Jesus didn't come through. Oh, fucking Jesus.

She didn't get a good night's sleep. We cut straight from Jesus, please let her get a good night's sleep to her going. I sure didn't get a good night's sleep. We cut straight from Jesus, please let her get a good night's sleep to her going. I sure didn't get a good night's sleep last night's. Well, Jesus probably heard that prayer and he was like, I'm sorry, that's super late. I'm not using my powers on good night's sleep. No, no, I got more shit. People just lost their car keys.

I gotta help them find out where I'm at. Yeah, exactly. Larry needs barking right now. God damn it. So yeah, so again, we also get this moment where like Kerry tells her she's like, Hey, you know, I called pinpoint ghost hunters about all of the, um, starburst and Doritos. They said that they put all their trash away. So it must have actually been that the ghost took all of the thrown away starbursts and Doritos

out of the trash and littered them around the room. Mm hmm. If my wife is listening, that's also what happened in my office and studying. It's also a, you're all my shitter around. But then there's this great bulls, we're going to get the bull shit turned, right? This movie is about to get so much more foolish and carry some stuff and she goes, I love this line so much. She goes, look, I know there are rules about talking about religion at the workplace, and I could lose my job for saying this but.

Like, oh, give me, oh, persecute me, baby, persecute me. Fuck yeah. But then she says, but there's this program that I like on TV. Remember, brought it back at all. Makes sense now. There's this program that I like on TV about a ministry in Florida who spiritually cleans houses. Fuck yeah, they do. In real life. Here are their real names. They are doctors, doctors. They are Paul and Claire Hollis. And yes, Claire Hollis wrote, produced,

and casted this film. You mean she wrote, produced and casted this commercial for her company? Yes, this advertisement for industry. Who are you going to call? Spiritual House cleaner. She's a fucking Christ. Yeah, I'm not going to name, you know what? I'm not even going to name their ministry. Fuck their ministry. I'm not even going to say, okay, it's living free ministry. So I'm only telling you that because you, you know what, I'm not even gonna name their ministry, fuck their ministry. I'm not even gonna say, okay, it's living free ministry. So I'm only telling you that because you have to look this up, listeners, this is fucking funny shit.

So sad and scary, but it's pure entertainment value. Yeah. So okay. So we cut back to the house. Kerry is now showing up at Lindsay's house with the heroes of the film. There are 13 minutes left in this movie, right? But they're going to show up with the heroes. This is when the Rascal flats guy pops in. Yes. Okay. Yes. Uh-huh. Yeah. So they show up in there like, so your house is haunted. And huh? Tell me about that.

The hauntedness. And she's like, yeah. So cold, aero rush past me. I'll hear noises for no reason. My dog will bark at nothing. There will be blood streaming down the walls, writing evil messages. I'm like, one of these things is not like the other. She could have just said blood on the walls and that had been great. Like that would have been making it more urgent. You didn't need to go through all the shit that is not the blood on the walls. Well, except that in this advertisement, they want the viewer to go, wow, you know, my house has three of those four things.

Oh, my dog bark. I've got blind and deaf dog barks at nothing. Maybe I had to call this guy. My 16 year old dog, yeah, right. I wish they'd turned to the camera, I'll earn us and say, if has this happened to you? Yeah, right. Yes. There must be a better way. But yeah, my notes get really dark at this point.

I'm like, my notes here are like, wow, these people need to fuck off the edge of a building right here, because like 90% of their business model is taking advantage of mentally ill people, and the other 10% is taking advantage of lonely people. Absolutely. Right.

And this is fucking disgusting. Yeah. But we watch their con, we watch it all the way through, we watch the, the Rascal Fletch guy walk around, you know, yelling at the ghost to get the fuck out of there in the name of Jesus, right? I call this guy, by the way,

roast beef or southern London, my notes. I guess I'm gonna have one of them. Roast beef or southern London. I like it. It's awesome. I like it. Hey, Heath, you can take another week off. It's okay. I love when the spiritual house cleaners are like, you must be so frightened.

And to me, I was like, well, not as frightening as you're acting. Yeah. So, right. It's like when you, the guy that owns a company into some being in the local commercial, it's just like that. Yeah, right, right. Yeah, exactly. So, yeah, so, but he's giving us his like, sure, ghost hunters and psychics are great, but

to really like round it out, you need us to pitch, right? Like, is he doesn't want to like shit on the other con artists too bad? Right. But he has to point out that the only way we can get rid of these evil spirits is with, you know, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. You gotta join time to say, a Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. It was so many times.

Oh my God, so many. It was like he was sponsored by Jesus. And he was like, no, no, no, no, we get free subs for the rest of the year. We're right. I mentioned Jesus's name. Well, it's like they were like, hey, look guys, if you, if you want to get on game,

you need to mention our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ at least six times. And then they realized that with 10 minutes left to go, they're like, oh God, we're almost done. So yeah, so he walks around yelling at the evil spirit to go away and then he's like, but if you wanna keep the demons away, you need Jesus. So to be clear, you don't just need to be Christian.

You need to give them a bunch of money to walk around your house. There it is. Yelling at Jesus. And then you need to join their religion. That's the kicker, which also means you'll be continuing to give money via the pass along plate. Right.

Yeah, exactly. And that's seen. I loved how love slash hated how the girls were just all huddled together and scared. You know, they had to go back to the whole right. Well, the man did all the jokes of you and exactly right right ghost chewing He goes he goes at one point. He's like all right So I have already chased the ghost out of all the rooms but one He's like, but what that means is that the finale of the movie is gonna take place now and they're like oh, it's nice of you

Right to warn us So and this is the part where the ghost actually appears He's like goes to get out in the name of Jesus, the ghost appears and says, I will kill you. And he goes, no, you won't. And then the ghost is like, damn it. I didn't think of you saying that. Fuck, and it disappears.

Oh, you know what I feel like? I just want to watch the last eight minutes of them and be over and over just for that. Just to see the little bits that you miss the first time because you're like, this is so fucking stupid. Just to see it, but I do remember that the power scene between the exorcist man and the ghost was like, God, damn it. You know, because Jesus got rid of her with power.

Jesus. Right. Exactly. He's like, you don't need me. You just need the power of Jesus. It's a good, be clear. You need me first. But then after that, you just for the ongoing payments

of just, yeah, right, right. And also, we should point out that this guy, he keeps like pausing randomly as though he memorized his lines in 11 word chunks and can only deliver him that way. Yes, we were talking about that. Mary Knight's like, is he just making this up as he goes? Is he like, what is he doing? And he kept fumbling through shit. He was stuttering, he was starting over.

And it was almost like the camera guy was going, listen, I have to be somewhere at 6 p.m. So we just need to wrap this up. And I have to return my camera back to, you know, RCA rentals. Right, right. We just don't have time for this. It really was, it was, it was like he had actually

set all these words in real life when he was, you know, pulling the wool over people's eyes and then he was doing it again here for the movie and he just sucked at it. It was so bad. He just said it so many times where I honestly, honestly, I felt a lot like the guy with the cue cards wasn't moving fast enough, right? I mean, he's, um, to get him to come off or something. But anyway, so, but they they said, but then the movie ends as Eli said with a fucking alter call. Yes. Like as a surprise sales pitch, he's like, yeah, so uh, ghost are gone for now. But if you're going to want to stay, I'm gone. And I was like, oh my God, he's going to sell her like a monthly re up program. But watch the change of religion, right? She has to be Christian now and give him 10% of her income

forever. Yeah. Yep. That's such a, it's like, you know, you call someone, hey, I have termites. They come out and they'll get rid of the termites, but you need to sign up for this plan so I can keep them away. Is this that fucking idea? Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Right. Well, that was a really quick conversion on her part, though. I thought wasn't it? Well, they were wrapping everything up in the last eight minutes, you know, they, they were no, because you know, there was no speaking about religion until homegirl was like, well, I can't talk about this because I could get fired, but blah, blah, blah.

Yeah. Yeah. But so she says all the magic Jesus words, she repeats after them. And then she says the closing line of the movie. She says, or no, I'm sorry, it's not the closing line of the movie yet, but it's the closing line of the movie. She says, or no, I'm sorry, it's not the closing line of the movie yet, but it's the closing line of the scene. She goes, I feel so much love and joy. And then we cut to two years later where the parties have in their great big, we're number one celebration. Everything works out. Oh my God, they've literally just written

the number one on various objects. Yes, yes, yes, the hashtag, right? So it's like number one. Yes. So we brought the spray paint. We need some ones. Let's go. Yeah. That was such a big jump.

Like, and, I'm sorry, there's just, there's literally so much that we could talk about here, but I'm just gonna say this, the way like these churches make you think that you will feel better, you'll be happy with, it could have been, Oh Jesus is gonna fix all your problems.

It could have been haunting, it could have been cancer, it could have been depression, it could have been anything, but as soon as you let Jesus in, you feel great, and then everything works out. Everything improves. Everything improves. Yep, yep, so fucked up. And right, right, exactly.

And I should also point out like the again, they're stupid as understanding of how anything works. Their company has now moved in 24 months to number eight to number one, which is probably like as Eli was pointing out, like several orders of magnitude up in terms of profit. Business, right. Yeah. Sure. And yet they're celebrating with a pot lock in her back yard. That's a good point. It's like it's another housewarming party. That's right. Yeah, sure. And yet they're celebrating with a potlock in her backyard. That's a good point. It's like it's another housewarming party. That's a good point. Right, yeah, exactly.

Planned in one day. Again. Uh-huh. Well, and once again, we learn that the only good spirit is the Holy Spirit. Yes. She goes inside and she prays and reads her Bible. Oh, that's right.

And then we get the credits. And on the left side of the screen through the credits, we see a picture of real life Paul and Claire Hollis with their phone number beneath it. Yeah. Yeah. What the fuck? Yes.

If you would like, have you called that? I'm not scared. No, I know. This might be a nice Patreon level here. I will call these people. There we go. We'll just bring them to my mess. CS house and be like, you know, the ghost hunter said they put everything in the trash. Right? I've got to go. Yeah. So great. All right. Well, Mary Shelley, thank you so much for hanging out with us because you came back even knowing what you were getting into. And that's a lot. We really appreciate it. We have no fear about trash. It's always easy to trash them.

It's hard to get through the watching of them because that's some bullshit. Yeah. But we know at the other end of a watching horrible movie is some time to sit with Eli and Noah and just trash the fuck out of it. That's awesome. Exactly. And of course, quick reminder to the listeners that you can hear more from Mary and Shelley on the latter day lesbian podcast, which you're going to find linked on the show notes highly recommended. They're always a ton of fun. And while that does it for a review of unwanted presents, that's not going to do it for the episode just yet, because we still need a trip and fall back into the pit.

So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well, Noah, we're headed back to the theaters because sometimes an exorcist's sequel looks so bad, you're gonna need popcorn to withstand it. So we'll be watching what I believe is exorcist four, believer. Oh, damn it. All right.

So with another theatrical trip to look forward to a rooming episode 425 to immersive or close, once again, a huge thanks to Mary and Shelley for suffering alongside us and a perhaps even a huge, a thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped me the show go. If you'd like to come out yourself among their ranks, you can go to www.patreon.com.com.

search God awful and they're probably an early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. If you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows us getting a de-estitation needed D&D minus in the skeptic right available wherever podcast live. If you have questions, comments or send a message to us and you can

email God off at movies.gmail.com Tim Robbs and Takescare of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slapkin and we will dress on Mars. All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Carcane was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check your life this week for Heathen right and Eli Bosnick. I'm Nolicious Promise and Door Card or another truck next week. Until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Cory and Carrie, Sizzard Happily, Ever After. You stole mine, goddamnit. Ha ha ha ha ha.

I'm going to say, what was, we don't know, the name of the man of the gossip trio? No. He finally came out of the gossip trio? No. He finally came out of the closet. Oh nice! So gay, right? Oh yeah. And they all got detention.

Paul and Claire Hollis went on to fucking elderly couple out of their life savings. That's the truth, mate. Yeah, no, I think I would have put the depression one at the end. While the Rona. Yeah. Okay, what do you, what's my motivation? Your ghost lady. Oh. There you go. Perfect. Yes. Exactly.

Got it. One. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstrome LLC, Copyright 2023. All rights reserved.