God Awful Movies - 427: Kingdom Come

Episode Date: October 24, 2023

This week, Heath is back to help us out with a review of Kingdom Come, the story of Satan's plan getting a little too convoluted. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

Nothing ever cracks you laying up quite like his own jokes. I'll tell you what. I wrote that. I was on a plane watching this movie and I wrote that joke and then gigled so hard I cried with laughter to myself on a plane. Giggled so hard I shat. It was fun. It was a matter of facts. And if you could have seen the fear, the absolute terror in everyone's faces, as on a flight to Omaha, I began to go, OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE and sitting 700 miles to my immediate left is my good friend Heath and right, Heath, welcome back. I am very happy to be back and I love this movie. Wow, what a great way to welcome you back, right? Yeah, this is welcome back sex for sure.

Spook, tackler in the most platonic way. This is the spook, tackler. Right. And of course sitting in 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnich, Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? They keep getting better. 437, you think there'd be no surprises, but then they just roll out shit like this. So the tips stays alive.

Like with this movie, we were like messaging back and forth. Wow, is this the perfect fucking spooktacular movie? This is the perfect spooktacular movie. So tell us, Heath, what is the perfect spooktacular movie? We watched Kingdom Come. It's the story of Satan, the Prince of Darkness, having an off day at work. And it's fucking funny. Seems like it. And Eli Eli how bad was this movie well if you love the cheap spooktacular twist of it was hell the whole time of other horror movies but you wish they followed the morality of your mentally ill and who thinks Antifa did January 6th you will love this movie What's amazing is that the movie actually multiplies the stupidity of it was held the whole

time by the stupidity of it was all a dream. Yeah, right? It's like it's actually impressive. It's they won't even decide which it is of those really. It's so dumb. Not really. No, yeah, they'll hedge their bets. Not just that, but it also adds an or is I mean, not to spoil it, but it adds an or is it?

So it's done. It's done to the third power. Yeah, Satan's the dad from the Walton family at the end is what we find out. Yeah, yeah. All right, so is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah, I'm going to go with best worst. Satan's minions trying to vamp. Oh, you be the little at. Yeah, I'm going to go with best worst Satan's minions trying to vamp. Oh, you mean the little demons. Yeah, the demons guys. Spider-Monkeys. Yeah, the bone wing demon.

So a couple times Satan's doing a big thing. He's given like a big speech. And his minion has to just stop what he was doing, which was like attacking people and just kind of standing the background. He doesn't know what to do. He lands on like modern dance and crouch. It's so weird. They're in a crouch too. It's, it's fine. I laughed a lot. Right.

They're walking on all fours the whole time. They're just like, I'm a tiger. I'm a tiger. Right. Because here's the thing. Spider monkey bone wing demon with a blindfold on. Very scary when it pops at it you from the dark 22 minutes into a conversation where it's sitting Chris cross apple soft

Picking at the blindfold just in case No, no, it kind of loses a little something there just asking people how to how to pair bluetooth head font I'm gonna listen to a podcast. I don't know. So, okay. So I was torn on this one. So I kind of cheated and I put two in my notes. So I have best words pretending to try to break things that would clearly break if you really tried to do that.

Right? There's a ton of that in this movie. You talking about the wood over the windows? Yes, yeah. The over and over again, or they're trying to push through something that you're like, well, obviously you could just pick that up. It's not very heavy.

Move it. Yeah. But I also, I have an honorable mention here. Best worst Christians trying out the word fuck for the first time. Oh, God, it's the fucking. So best. It is, it is so clear in this movie that some Christians were like, well, you know, in horror movies, we're going to have to be willing to use some very profane language and maybe even show,

like, women's breasts. We have to, like, cause that's what horror movies do. If you want to really reach that horror movie audience, you have to be able to say, fudge, but for real though. But actually say it. But the bad one, it's the best.

And the actors, it's like, it's like a five year old was given on their birthday the right to say fuck once by Not a dad and they come out and they're like yeah, fuck big smile And so as a result on a regular basis Satan the prince of darkness source of all evil will be like fucking balls Kind of Rexcks his gravitas. It really does. It really does. Yeah. And of course, I'm going to go with best worst sins.

So I spoiled it already. Everybody in this movie isn't hell for something bad they did. But let me tell you the wide fucking range of scenes that these pretty broads, right? Yes. Pretty, but I was expecting one of the characters to be like, and I knew it was no parking before six, but I thought, yeah, it's just going to run in for a minute. They really needed to tighten up the range of sins to have the movie make any fucking sense.

And they did not do that. For sure. I would argue that there is a sin that is punished by demon death that is less harmful to others than parking in a spot before you're allowed to park it. No, in fact, you're right. It's different. You should go to heaven if there was an ethical God thing. There's at least two of them you might be talking about.

So yeah, I'll tell you what, this one is pretty scary. So we're gonna give you guys a minute to grab your flashlight and sink a little further into your protective blanket. But we're back in a flash with all the heavy handed moralizing that is. Kingdom come. Nice triple score. Hey, you know what you're doing?

Yeah, is that a video game? Video game. This is my new language learning app right now. I'm matching all the words for colors with all the words for Wolverine How does that help you learn a language? Can't imagine. Oh, but if I don't do it this cartoon now will kill himself So I gotta every day. Look Eli if you want to learn a new language Why don't you just try Babel? What's Babel? Instead of paying hundreds dollars for a private tutor or fooling yourself with language apps that are little more than games,

Babel's quick, 10 minute lessons are designed by over 150 language experts to help you start speaking a new language in as little as three weeks. Plus, Babel is designed by real people for real conversations. All of Babel's tips and tools for speaking a new language in his littleest three weeks. Plus, Babel is designed by real people for real conversations. All of Babel's tips and tools for learning a new language are approachable, accessible, rooted in real-life situations and delivered with conversation-based teaching. It's true.

Anna started using Babel when they became a sponsor, and she loves it for everything from brushing up on her French to learning some Swedish for a recent trip. That's why I, Eli Bosnick, personally indoors, Babel. And here's a special limited time deal for our listeners to get started right now. Get 55% off your Babel subscription, but only for our listeners at Babel.com slash awful. Get 55% off at Babel.com slash awful. That's spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash awful rules and restrictions may apply. All right, guys, thanks.

Well, I got to get back to this. Wait a thought you're going to use Babel. Oh, I am, but that owl's already on a stool with a rope around his neck. So yeah, yeah, sure. Hello, God. Yes, Lucifer. What is it? Wait, I'm sorry, why don't you sound like Trump? We felt like it might be a bit of a reach across the brands.

Oh, yeah, no, that makes sense. Anyways, what's up? So, you're never gonna believe this. But I managed to wrangle like a whole bunch of hell-bound souls, and I was wondering if I could sort of... Oh god, what's it called? Like, yeah, do I... I- I chase around and spook him. Sorry, I chase around and spook him?

Yeah. Right, like, so I'll do an amnesia thing, and then I'll grab a couple of demons, and then I'll just kinda... Yeah, chase them around! What? Why? I don't know, it's a... It could be like a test, like a test thing. You love that. Wait, so they're not even all going to hell?

Why me, they all could go to hell? They all did bad stuff. Murder, rape, drug use. I'm sorry, did you say drug use? It's a pretty widespread of sinners, but what do you say? What do you say? Oh, fine. Nice. Oh, I tell the bone wing demons,

they're gonna be pumped. What do you say? I said I tell you when the meeting was over. So we kept Sarah. Well, you got to keep Sarah. Sure. And we're back for the breakdown. We're going to open up on a 13 plus Amazon rating for quote, nudity violence.

Frightening scenes, substance use, alcohol use, smoking foul language and sexual content. I wrote my notes, man, I love the spooktacular. Right. Fuck you, baby. Nudity and sexual content. And I wrote my notes, man, I love the spooktacular. Right. We did the and substance use. So yeah, we're listening to a car accident, right? We're listening to a car start up with a fucking radio from the 80s. It's going much too fast. And then we hear a car crash. And then the like the credits are rolling through all of this, right? Yeah. I made a joke in my notes. I was like, Hey, look, it's zero seconds into the movie car crash. And then I searched within our Google docs, zero seconds into the movie car crash and had a lot of results. It really bummed me out. That's, yeah. No shit. Well, yeah,

they couldn't afford to actually show us this car crash or anything. So this is all done with audio and broken glass. Yeah. And CGI, buddy, who had learned to do one thing, which was glass stuff. Yeah. Do glass stuff, whatever that is. Fine. Everything goes shatter. Yeah. So we get that. There's just like some random creepiness images underneath the breaking glasses that were on Willie Wanka's boat or some shit. Yeah. And then we get our main character, Sam, waking up on the floor of a derelict, well, it's gonna turn out to be a fucking hospital again.

Right. It's gonna be hell, but he's like, fuck, I'm in a bad movie this cop being saw again. I think the, ah, this keeps happening. Yeah. This is derivative. So he grabs a pipe to use as a weapon like you do. And he sees a student of blue suit dripping blood going like whispering ominously to him or something. Does that ever come back? Yeah, it does. It does. Yeah, that guy actually does connect in the movie. So the guy with the lead pipe is like, Hey, whispery guy, what, what is this?

But that means whispery guy had to just like stand there in that hallway for a while. I'm just waiting to do a little bit of big whispery stuff. Right. Cause he wakes up like the guy had just been sitting there going like, man, that guy's been out for a while. He sturs in his sleep. He's like, all right. All right. Whisper whisper whisper. Then he just rolls over and he's like, fuck, okay, I'm going to write him a post it note. I'm going to take off. So the post it note, he says, Whisper, Whisper. Yes. So he runs to the end of the hallway, but Whisper guy is disappeared. He looks back

to where he came from and Whisper guy's over there. So he runs back thinking that surely he'll have better luck this time. And that's when he runs into the female lead of the movie Jessica. Carousenimaria. Carousenimaria, exactly. Yeah. And they're like, and he's like, hey, did you see a dude in a blue suit dripping blood in whispering? And she's like, I can't see a shit. And I'm like, yeah, neither could we.

Really, given the way the movie is shot. Yeah, it's really dark. He says that. He's like, it's really dark. I can't even tell how high up we are. And I was like, is that a big concern right now? Like how much altitude are we at right now? You're in hell. You're obviously in hell.

It could be very well lit in that interior windowless room and you still wouldn't know how high up you were. What the fuck are you talking about? Well, I think we got a decent like penthouse types. And this is an issue I have with all the, it was hell the whole time horror movies. Look, hell is supposed to be eternal torment, not like some torment with some downtime while you figure out what's going on. A lot more downtime than torment. Yes.

I'm just saying that the devil is underestimating how long I could stay confused for. All right. I'm not getting eternal torment. I'd be tormented by idiots being like, what floor are we on though? And a bunch of downtime. That's fair. That's fair. That might be your hell specifically. So, okay. So they

set out to explore the creepy abandoned hospital that I'm just slowly realizing this whole fucking movie is going to take place in now, right? They hear a noise and they go after it. There's a bit where like Jessica rolls up a newspaper because you know, humor. Yeah. And what's the main character's name? I don't even remember the first guy. Sam. Right. Sam has the lead pipe, but it's like an actual pipe with a little T-joint at the tops. So it looks like a croquet mallet, and it's very silly. It is very silly.

That's his weapon to fight Satan. Yes, exactly. It'll be a surprisingly effective against Satan's demons. We'll find that later. But first, we have to find this little girl, right? So they hear a noise. They pull this sheet off of a bed and there's a little girl hiding under it. And all of us wrote in our notes, how fuck did she wind up in hell? Fuck yeah, baby. Age reason six years old. So excited to find out the evil backstory

about this seven year old girl, but sadly we get something even dumber than what could have been a funny thing. No, yeah, I wrote my notes turns out she's just Jewish and then I went back into my notes later and wrote in all caps and italics. It's so much better. Yeah, I wrote in my notes. I want the whole movie to be just them finding new people who know nothing about what's going on.

I have good news for you, Eli. Yeah, for real. Just a flashback of her. Just having like a little sass moment with dad. Didn't honor thy father. There you go. And my boom. Also Jewish.

So, yeah, right, right. Yeah. Getting the abandoned hospital. Also, now one thing I will say for this movie is that every time we introduce one of the 13, 100 characters, they're going to introduce to us. They have like a hello. My name is moment with them right away. Make some ways you're I didn't have to spend a lot of time on IMDB, figuring out who the fuck people were, but this is Celia.

And she goes, will you take me with you? And Jessica's like, sure, and Sam's like, I feel like you answered for her. But you just, Sam is way too slow. And Jessica's like, Hey You just said it was way too slow. And Jessica's like, Hey, man, you were way too slow just now. Were you planning to be like, good luck, little girl? Fucking buy and walk with me somewhere else. So here's the thing.

Celia's parents are probably looking for her, right? You know, they say you're supposed to call in a code at all. You just say put and then describe what shoes she's wearing. So, and then Sam goes to walk out and a black guy hits him in the face with a board and he gets knocked unconscious. Mm-hmm. And while he's unconscious, he's gonna,

we're gonna flash back to him drunk driving his girlfriend to death. Yeah, which side note is his sin, right? And look, drunk driving is bad. Yeah, which side note is his sin? Yep. Right. And look, drug driving is bad. And if he was like, whoah, Dan Scotches, and I'm going to push my car and then it is other car, I'd be like, okay, that's the sin of drug driving. Except he just like drops a lighter and then lets up on the brake a little bit, which

puts him in the inner side. Like why make it a weird coincidence accident, rather than just- Right, shouldn't he be have been driving carelessly and drunkenly not just like, oh shit, I didn't realize we were in neutral. No. Right, not something that Eli does every four times he drives.

He just backs up two feet and another car smashes into them. So like, hey, that's dumb and doesn't really get the sin thing going. Also, were they parked like two feet from the middle of a major highway? And that's how it plays. Yeah. That parking job was horrible. Yes. But then he comes to and suddenly there's just a fucking room full of new people. We have to, we have to get to know that they're all like trying to pull the boards off the window.

This is my best worst, right? Not trying very hard. Oh my god, it's amazing. So this African American actor, he gets the rough treatment for so many reasons, but the first way he gets the rough treatment is that the entire direction they have chosen for his character is in a white hot rage. Yep. At all times over all things, yes.

Yeah. So everyone else is doing like, I'm this person and this is probably my sin introduction. And he's just wandering around the room being like, fucking walls. Yeah. Yeah, he wants to fight everybody and hit things. and like fucking walls. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he wants to fight everybody and hit things. And I'm like, wow, I wish he wasn't the only African American character in the entire fucking movie.

Yeah. There is another character, another person of color in the movie. That's Nadia. He's the one who's really racist and trying to start fights with Roger. So openly racist, right? He's, he's marching in a different semi circle, just being like, I'll tell you the races I don't like in order number one. Let me rank them for you. Also, my name is Nadir. I feel like that's

a not at all subtle thing about us being in hell probably. Are we in a movie that's badly written? I feel like we are at this point I wrote in my notes, my God, hell is Twitter. Yeah, right, right. Exactly. Well, and so what I love about this too is that they keep trying to make Nadir and, and Ronch her fight, but there's no reason for it. Right? Like so, Ronch is like, maybe we were drugged and Nadir is like, that's ridiculous.

I'm like, why would that be ridiculous? Right? Is it just because your two characters have to be in conflict? Yeah, and he's like, stop interrupting me. We had a fight earlier about interrupting than we're gonna establish now. So weird, there's so many things to have conflict about here. And they're just like interrupting is rude, rude.

And then Sam's like, oh, hey, does anybody have a cell phone or is like, cell phone, right? Cell phones, right, shit. Why didn't no one think of that until you said it? And they're like, oh, it's all dead. And we never establish whether that means dead is in no signal or is in no battery, but they seem to make it seem like it's no signal, right?

So I get to play Candy Crush and Hell. Like, hell is seeming to say, it could be worse. Again, I'm confused. I'm playing Candy crush. Yeah. It's weird that Satan would let them still have their phones at all, but he like, he like took a mat and drained the battery. He like watched videos for a while on each phone and then was like, okay, back into the pocket. There you go. Yeah. I guess. Yeah. But now, but Sam does manage to get a signal for a second on somebody's blackberry. This movie I believe was made in 2014.

So he gets a message or he gets a signal through on the blackberry, but then a demon screams at him and he throws the phone down as hard as he can and destroys it. So to be clear, Satan was like, hey, Beverly and the spider monkey demon was like, I got a fun prank we're gonna do. You know, he's having to host all their phones. Well, yeah. So I'm gonna let like one bar, and then when he picks up,

you do like a rare at him, okay? It's a good, good, team player. Love it. I don't know when we're breaking for lunch. Again, we have to get this done, and then we'll all break it.

Like we'll all break a lunch at the same time. I'm not having lunch now either. Yeah, then have a big breakfast. Yeah. All right. So the various characters we meet, we meet Roger, the white hot rage black guy. We meet Nadir, the racist middle eastern guy. We meet Victoria, the obvious drug addict. We meet Charles, the obvious drug addict we meet Charles the obvious

pedophile and Rachel who's who's in appears to be having been molested when she was a kid and still be in sore about it. Yeah, not forgiving the person who molested her. Also, I would like to talk about the child molester. In this scene, what he does is wave to the child in the scary abandoned hospital and everyone simultaneously in the room is like, that guy's a fucking pedophile. And they're right. Right.

No, they are. They are. Yeah. So, but and then Victoria, the drug addict chick, is she's like, I need to go find a place to pee and they're like, so do you want somebody to come with you since we're all been kidnapped and are in very obvious danger? She's like, I don't need no man to protect me. Yeah. And then Sam's like, yeah, I wasn't, it wasn't really a gendered comment. I was just thinking because of hell and demons, it was like anybody that would go off alone.

I, it's not the time to go. It's fine. It's fine. We're going to follow you. So she goes off to find a place to pee and I'm like, look, when you're in a place like that, the one good thing about it is that everywhere is a place to pee. Thank you. This is exactly what I said in my notes. I said, I feel like when the bathroom is literally caked in blood or dirt, you just make a pee corner. You don't really need to wait for a stall to free up.

Yep. Sure. The fuck the pee in the center of the floor and clean it up a little bit would be better. Yes, right But she finds it the most disgusting looking toilet that you've ever seen and then sits down on it She doesn't even hover I had to stop the movie and You've got a hover there you can't even nest at this point you would need like Thousands of rolls to nest at this point this point, you would need like thousands of rolls to nest this point. Crazy billionaire remake of this movie when the pop scare happens.

There's just a loud shane. Nothing ever cracks. You lay up quite like his own jokes. I'll tell you what I wrote that. I was on a plane watching this movie and I wrote that joke and then giggled so hard I cried with laughter to myself on a plane. Giggled so hard I shat. It was fun. It was just a matter of. And if you could have seen the fear, the absolute terror in everyone's faces has on a flight to Omaha. I began to go, he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he blood or liquid shit comes in. I can't tell this, everything shot in the fucking dark.

And she starts to say the actual line, guys, come on. This isn't funny. She doesn't even make it all the way through the line because she realized it's that's fucking beneath. Okay. It would have been amazing if they had actually somehow run pastor and started doing an evil puddle prank on. Okay. Okay. Guys, guys, guys, I got a great idea. You got, she got us. We found where they were keeping all the blood and we cut a couple of bags open.

And then we slid them gently underneath the stall door to give you a little bit of a spoon, Dracula or while you were taking a shit. We have fun here in this abandoned hospital. Can't believe you sat down on that. Wow. So she, she, she comes out of the stall and she sees somebody sitting in the next stall doing some heroin and the guy, and the dude's like,

do you want the rest of my heroin? And she's like, what don't mind if I do? Re-Heroen. Again, hell has free heroin? Well, that's it. Yeah, that's the thing is that like, look, I'm not a heroin guy, but if ever there was a time for some heroin, right? Like, yeah. That's like, look, I'm not a heroin guy, but if ever there was a time for some heroin, right?

Like, I guess I'm giving a try. I'm not a heroin guy in so far as no one's ever offered me heroin. I feel like the minute I get offered heroin, I'm heroin guy. As a needle involved, Eli, I don't think that you are. That's true. Do they have like a chewable? Yes, I guess. I guess.

They do. Yeah. Hey, only offer me chewable heroin at the Las Vegas live show. Shape like a fun stone fight. Yeah, but not Dino. Dino tastes like bullshit. No, obviously stupid. So so meanwhile, Charles and Roger are trying to break open a soda machine back with the gang.

Sam notices his watch has stopped as though this is all a dream and times not actually moving. so fucking time Mm-hmm, and then they hear Victoria scream in the distance and they're like oh I guess you did need a man to protect your actual huh? Yeah, yeah, because she said I don't know way out No, so they go to explore. They're like Victoria You you take into screen shit You, you take in a scream shit. Yeah, they leave Rachel and Celia, the, the kid, back to them.

Sam and Roger come and they've got like a pipe and a board between them, but they make Jessica go in first because it's the ladies room. Fine, we'll go in the girl's room. Give her a fucking pipe. I didn't even think about that. That's definitely what they were doing. What is she putting in a tampon? We don't know how much that hurts. That's just what they were doing. What if she's putting in a tampon? We don't know how much that hurts. Maybe that's just what they do every time.

Nobody on this podcast knows how much it hurts. Nope, that's true. We get lizard feedback tomorrow, like, oh yeah, no, we have to scream every time. We'd be like, we are so sorry, Dead Sea Scrolls are real. And it's super hurts to put a tampon up your butt. I get it.

So it's, hurts to put a tampon up your butt. I get it. So it's so yeah. So Sam, so Sam just says he'll go in heroically and face the danger alone. And when he gets in there, he sees her bloody hand prints. And then he's like, and he leaves. And they're like, so what was in there? He's like, I'm not gonna say. I'm just gonna walk away all mysteriously or something. Why? I don't know. It makes no fucking sense. That's never explained in the movie. Why he's just like, I'd rather not talk about it. And they're like, all right, we respect your privacy.

Would you like to do the rest of the movie? Yeah, apparently. So, okay, so we cut back to it. They're like, hey, you know, we just left Rachel and Celia, the two least, you know, like most helpless characters in the movie by themselves in the other room. And there's obviously some kind of bloody demon thing going on. So they run back there, we cut to Rachel, she's like smack in the cell phones, you know,

she can like whack it into submission. Yeah. Charles, who's hung behind, he's the pedophile character. He's sitting a little too close to Celia for comfort. Mm-hmm. And again, everyone in the movie is in complete and total agreement that he is a pedophile. They're right. There's just no reason for them to believe it at this point in the movie.

Yes, exactly. Right. So far, all he's done has been kind to the frightened child. Yeah. I'm just a kindergarten teacher who's nice. Right. Could have been. Yes, doing.

So yeah, so they make it back and then just then they all hear like a fire extinguisher fall over So they go to check it out all like by a bet there's a jump scare back your ish, right right which means Satan the prince of darkness Hicked up a fire extinguisher Rolled it a little bit in a hallway next to them and then ran away giggling being like this is gonna be the best This is gonna be the best way to build this. Clearly, he's a good spooky. This is a good spook. Well, also up to this point,

like you've come across like seven different people. Every time you hear a noise, you go and you check it out and it's just another person who's there going like, yeah, I don't know how fuck I got here either. Right, why would you assume that this time it's a thing you have to whack with a pipe? It's just, it's another dude.

This is a guy named Daniel. He also doesn't know why he's here. I'll point out later why he says this, but he makes it very clear that his name is Daniel Levine. And until they explain why that is later in the movie, I was like, is this guy's cramping Jewish? Cause like, is that the, pulls the movie to a stop to be like Levine Schwartzbaum housing. I have little Israel profile picture right now. Okay, we get it, man. So then the deer and Roger fight some more because they're people of color or whatever.

It's Sam needs to interject some leadership to the point where I wrote my notes, fucking white man's burden. Am I right? It's so weird. It was just like, let's have a physical fight now because we didn't write anything else for the end of this scene. And then Sam's like, nope, don't. Okay, now we're done. Yeah.

I wrote my notes, Heath and I had a live show when there's a silence. Yeah, he just both started slapping each other. We're punching, we're punching, we're kissing. No, it's mad. So it just then got you, both starts. We're kissing. We're punching. We're kissing. No, it's mad. So, so it just then got you, Nipple. Um, did you notice this is an incompletely boarded up window? Right. And so Roger looks at said, all they can see is a fog. And there's like a silly monster growl in the distance. Yeah. Someone says, is that a dog? And I wrote, my notes probably a dog taking a screaming shit.

We don't know how much it hurts for a dog to put in a tampon. So and then they're like, we should crawl out of that window and say, I was like, hold on, wait a second, and he takes a bottle and he holds it out the window and he drops it and we don't hear a sound and he's like, see, we're really high up. And then Rodgers like, or there's grass or a gentle slope on the outside as we don't, it could also just be that. Oh, right. Also, how is that helpful either way?

Right, also like, you know, just being high up, doesn't make this and completely like non-viable exit. Right, there could be a fire escape out there. You know my plan wasn't to dive out the window so you got to cry in the wood off, right? Okay. Catch me, God. Just making sure. plan wasn't to dive out the window. So I cried the wood off, right? Okay. Catch me. God. Just making sure. Yeah.

So so yes, so Roger's going, I'm going to go out this day window and seems like, but I'm the main character white man. And I said not to. So of course, as soon as he reaches out the window to try to pry another board out, a monster bites his arm off camera. Trust us, it's very scary, probably out there. Right, but like not hard to be clear. Like he pulls it back in and he has like an Eli bite and he's like, are we? We're like, all right. Well, yeah. So apparently, there's a flying, are we level demon? Yeah, stationed at that. Just in case anybody tries to

pry the window. And he's who has been instructed to nibble them back in if they start to get out of wind door. Or something. That's definitely the new guy job at this hell scenario. I was gonna say one of the demons brought a younger sibling and was like, and Satan was like, okay, fuck fine. He can be outside the boarded up windows.

But he can't have crafty. Now we've established that Jessica is a nurse, right? So she knows just what to do. She finds some clean bandages and this is disgusting abandoned hospital. Like, you know, I'm sure they've got a few sitting around there. And then she's like, hey, maybe we should all split up.

And beyond like nine characters is too many to keep track of it once they never offer a reason for this. Yeah, she might as well be like, look, there's nine of us right now. Let's get it down to a tidy two or three. Yeah. Yeah. Everyone go off and quite literally confront your inner demons. Yeah. So stupid. Say, yeah, so they ultimately they decide that they're going to split into two groups. They're going to look for an exit. They're going to meet back there in 15 minutes. They will net the fact that they were supposed to meet back in 15 minutes will never occur to anyone in the film. And their phones and watches don't work. So it is a completely meaningless term.

Yes. All right. Well, with two groups, the movie can now be twice as stupid. So we're gonna make a break to prepare for that. But we'll make it a flash with even more kingdom come. Guys, guys, it finally happened. Oh no, the internet found your one man production of the Wiz. What do we do? Ah, I'll start drafting a statement. Yeah.

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So now that we've made it as podcasters, you guys want to get canceled for a terrible opinion? Or we could just release the Wiz video, right? Okay, I thought it was good. It was not good. Nope. Dude, what was that thing? is not good. Nope. Dude, what was that thing? Yeah, I don't know, but something is seriously fucked up about this abandoned hospital. Tell me about it. I don't care for Mexicans. I'm sorry. What?

What? Oh, it's that their music all sounds the same to me. Like, you're always blasting it from a boom box and it's all funny. Nope, not that, not that. Why are you announcing your racism in the middle of an emergency? Yeah, a demon dog just ate Carl. What, I was making conversation. Not even a little bit conversation. Nope, not withouts. Nope, you know what I love is driving drunk.

Ooh, what the fuck is happening? Everybody stop expositing their worst characteristics right now. Fine. Okay. Fine. Seems like someone's worst characteristic is yelling at people. Thank you. Oh my God, I hope a demon dog eats both your faces.

Mexican demon dog. Okay. Okay, a Chihuahua demon dog is pretty funny. Oh, so good. And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with group one. This is going to be Sam Celia, Jessica and Nadir. So they're walking down the hallway. They come across this big pile of garbage. And Sam says, I think

we can tunnel through it. Let's tunnel through the giant pile of trash. Why would you do that? Why? Hell's a side scroller. We got to go to the right. I've been trying to go against the back wall. Well, so basic is they're going to eventually run into characters that didn't climb through the garbage tunnel. So like, we know later this is unnecessary. He just climbed to you shaped hallway. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So they climbed through this like garbage tunnel. One of the time, Sam's gonna go first and then the little kid and then Jessica and then they deer and they just like, I don't want to go last. He said, you want to go first and he's like, I'll go last. Dude, there's like four people. It's just a really you got it. It's one of four. You're going to be four, three, two, or one. So Sam climbs through, everything almost collapses, but then it changes its mind and he keeps

going. Yeah. It gets through and then they're like, all right, so who next in this clearly unstable tunnel, the kid, right? The kid? Child, yeah, obviously the child. So they send the kid through very weird how her like white dress stays so bright and shiny this entire time despite crawling through garbage quite a bit.

Yeah. Pin in that. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Beautiful mind spoilers. Or shadowy. Yeah. So she gets through without event.

And now it's Jessica's turn. Right. So she starts to climb through meanwhile Nad Nadir, who's been left on his own, he hears a little boy creepily laughing his way through the shadows and he's like, well, I should probably go and check that out. This is the best guys. There's a creepy child. I'm going to go get him. They hear him. There's a little boy laughing. I must go get him now. And they're like, dude, what? What are you talking about? He could be laughing at a super funny black joke and I'm racist, so I'm gonna go check.

No. Okay, me and her. I'm gonna go with him going. Sure, sure. So he chases the kid down. Meanwhile, Jessica gets about halfway through the tunnel when she notices a demon taken a nap inside the tunnel. Off to one side.

We've all worked in restaurants. We've all taken a nap under the tunnel off to one side. We've all worked in restaurants. We've all taken a nap under that low shelf in the Washington, freezer, some dry storage. Yeah, exactly. We have any of demon. This is entirely on Jessica. That demon is on its 15.

Yeah. This is such a weirdly low level obstacle from the great deceiver. Right, including one demon who doesn't even like attack him. No. The demon's just there to be a little bit scary. She's in a tunnel and this would be so easy for this demon to get her at this point, right?

But he's just like, ah, look at his teeth. They're all kind of fucked up. So yeah, but so she scrambles out. We cut back to Nadeer. He's still chasing pop scares around, which is fine. Fuck that racist. Yeah. I love to, they're like,

Nadeer, Nadeer. And they don't hear anything. They're like, well, I guess he's on his own. Well, we will, we will just move on. So quickly, like second only to trying to leave Celia behind Sam. I was like, I mean, you heard me call his name twice. There's nothing to do for it. I can do for it.

I mean, his name is literally rock bottom. I think he's dying, right? I don't know. I don't know. I don't it. Yeah, right. My dear. His name is literally rock bottom. I think he's dying. Right. I really love it. So, and, okay. So then we check in on group two. Now, this is Charles Rachel and Daniel. I wish they had done like a draft to the side on the teams for splitting up.

Oh, like a volleyball thing. And then somebody has to get picked. Yeah. And they're like, hmm, hmm. Now, if you're paying a lot of attention and you're asking yourself, well, where the fuck is Roger? The Roger has wandered off on his own. He's done with all of these damn white people.

He's going to go and find his own exit, right? He's pretty mad because, you know, as the black guy, he was supposed to die first in the movie, so now it makes no sense. Right, right. Don't worry. So yeah, so we cut to Charles Rachel Daniel. Charles is trying to force an elevator open But he's like trying to like open it from the middle even though clearly this elevator doesn't open from the middle

Right, it's one of the all slides that in the same direction So it doesn't make any fucking sense what he's doing and while he's doing that Daniel and Rachel are just standing back going are you a pedophile character? Because you seem like a pedophile. Or you really have the glasses of a pedophile character. Also, just press the button on the elevator. I mean, try it, right? Just do, you might as well. Yeah, so he's like, no, you guys don't know me.

I'm not a pedophile. And then there's like this growly monster off in the distance. Just then Rachel recognizes his tattoo, his mouse tattoo. to her. So, we're going to get a flashback later. He looks identical to when he molested her, but apparently what it took was the like off-browned, Mickey Mouse tattoo for her to connect those two dots together. Clearly. Yeah. And so she's like, get away from you, you piece of shit and she runs away. And Daniel doesn't follow her, right? He stays with the pedophile guy for a while. He's just like, yeah, was it was at all back? He's like, women, am I right? Yeah. He's back to the elevator door. Right.

Now eventually he does follow, really. She waits for her to vanish in the distance and then he's like, I should follow her now. I should go. I've lost sight of her. Bye. So now all of these characters are split up. Now we're going to check back in with Roger, right?

He's still wandering around with his board, getting ready to wax somebody with it. When suddenly a naked woman rises up behind him. Oh, yeah, boobs, baby. Yeah, we're going to get this movie's boobs and in a, like, so we're going to learn via flashback that this chick is that the naked woman in front of him is someone he raped and murdered during his serial rape and murder spree. Sorry, no, I just wanted to clarify.

I think my headphones are acting up slightly. Did you say one of the two characters of color in this movie is a serial rapist and murderer? Yes, I, there's exactly what I do. I'm actually a murderer. I'm actually a murderer. This was, I didn't want to spoil it. Yeah, yeah. Yes. Oh, dude. I didn't want to spoil it. Yeah. But yeah.

Yes. Oh, dude. And for a movie that won't even show the blood on this man's bandage after Jessica wrapped his arms up, they show way more of the murder rape than I was prepared for. Yeah. We see three different murder rape victims. And look, I have to say this because what has very clearly happened is that the director was like, guys, we get to higher actresses and they're going to get their boobs out.

So I want one of each kind of boobs because there's very clearly a normal boobs, big boobs, small boobs actress. And you will never convince me that he cast people on anything on the back. She's surprised. He came to the green room afterwards and he was like, nice, you did it. You've seen all the kinds of boobs. Jesus. Yeah, so but Rodgers being surrounded now by naked women and they all like are trying

to force him to cup their boobs, right, but he doesn't want to because they're scary boobs. Scary boobs. Yeah, but eventually they force his hand under their boob and they'd electrocute some and then they turned to demons and eviscerate him. Hey, can I say team demon here, right? Get him, ladies. Sure. Yeah, absolutely.

I wrote my notes. You were with me the whole time, demon lady. Yeah. I wrote my notes. I hope my wife doesn't come up during this part. Yeah, so I was glad about the killing that guy, I guess, but here's the thing with this world view. This guy could have gone to heaven if he loved Jesus at the last second. And like, you can't make me forget that.

That is the morality system. Yeah. And in case you were in danger of forgetting that, we're going to see that happen in a minute. We will. Yeah. The movie will do a, there's got to be a better way with a different person. Call it a couple of scenes. Okay.

So Mimo, Sam Jessica and Celia, they're still tooling about and Sam has this amazing fucking moment where the writer just gave up, right? He's like, Sam's just like the actual line is, is your head making a sense? That's what he says to Jessica, those fucking words. Yeah, he says, my head's not making sense. Is your head making sense? And she's like, well, that's not an English sentence.

So I have no idea. I'm a gay. Maybe he's like, what I mean is that I keep reflecting on my sins of old you. And of course, now this is the, we do a little foreshadowing for her. She's like, well, I remember one terrible sin when I was only 18 years old. And there was something in my uterine. And there was a, then there's an interruption and we're going to fill that in later, you

know. Right. So just to clarify for our audience, so far, these deadly sins of the movie that have landed the characters in hell are serial rape and murder, drug use and bodily autonomy. Two forms of bodily autonomy and murder rape. Yes. And by the way, and you might be thinking to yourself, what happens if you get eviscerated

and die in hell, right? Because that's what happened to Roger just now. We should clarify that we're in pre hell at this point. We'll get to it. We'll explain later, but that will all sort of add up at the end, right? Yeah. They do that like very obvious solution to an abortion. And then Jessica looks at her enormous like wall mural sized locket for a second.

It's a flavor flame lock.'s a flavor. So big. And I was like, okay, that's going to be the son of Graham. No, that's the feeding or I guess it could be a very upsetting selfie with a. So okay, but we'll get back to that. Yes, we will get back to that. I just want to flag here. I called the movie here. I did a very simple bit of man. You're in your notes. Yep.

I mean, look, if we're pointing out where we called the movie, I called the movie in the very first scene. So we're all like it's hell. I think we all know who's hell. Yeah, no, but he has the math and everything right here on his note. So yeah, I'll back him up. We'll come back to this at the end. Yeah. And listen, or yes, you figured it out too. But yeah, right. I didn't do anything genius on.

Nope. So okay. But just before she can detail all of her sins, a bloody new guy rushes into the scene yelling, it's not my fault. It's not my fault. And and they're like, well, fuck, we don't have room for a yet another character So they just run off from this guy fuck this guy and we never see him again We totally don't So yeah and behind him so they hear these steps coming behind him right and they're like oh well You know at we know of like at least 11 people that are just wandering around here and are completely innocent I better whack whoever this is with a pipe before I can identify them.

And of course, it's fucking Daniel. He walks through, he's like, he waxed with a pipe and he's like, oh, shit, I almost murdered you. And he's like, oh, it's a good thing that you just behave differently when you hear people coming, right? Would be the thing to do. We gotta stop this whack first policy. It has never worked out for us to see group. Right, right. Yeah, you've been the victim of it. It's because my last name is Levine. Yeah. So and then there's this fucking weird ass stupid moment where you know you're dealing

with a very amateur writer where all the characters start catching each other up on the shit that we the audience already saw. It's so silly. This guy Daniel's like, yeah, so I did some recon, um, Chuck's a pedophile, uh, Rachel ran away. Also, I did find a hallway of screams during, uh, and they're like, great work. We kind of do a garbage tunnel. There was a demon only Chesa cussed saw it. We lost an idea. We didn't try very hard to find him afterwards. Uh, I feel like we're all caught up. Did you try going left at any time?

Because it doesn't work. Yeah, I can't do that. So they're like, well, we're going to go and check and see what those screams were. And Daniel's like, oh, well, you go right to fuck it. I'm gonna hang out here. My character's kind of flat lining. So I'll pop up.

I'll go find that screaming guy from before. Maybe he and I'll have a movie. Yeah. And then they have the dumbest, dumbest bad writing line where it was like, yeah, I guess you could stay here and we all have free will or do we? Yeah, we do that. Right. Yeah.

Anyway, let's go find the whole screams. So then they wander off from Daniel and they immediately find this chest, comically enormous pool of blood. It's a cheque. Cousses worth of blood that they find. Hey, I found a dexter room. I feel like we go in, right? We go, we go the way the blood is pointed.

We didn't explore this. Otherwise, it's all of screams, right? So blood room did someone drop their blood? And Jessica's dumbass is following behind him. She goes, where are all this blood come from, Sam? Why would he, Louis, I cut myself shaving, just like you want to. Yeah.

What is the wind condition in his head for checking out the blood room? Like what? Yes. What's the wind at the end head for checking out the blood room? Like what? Right, yes. Thank you. What's the wind at the end of that? Oh, yeah. It's, it's demon blood. So scream, huh?

Guys, guys, it's otter pops and only half of them are ruined. He's like, he finds this like creepy tunnel thing in this room where, and he goes, he as he's looking at it, he turns room where and he goes he's looking at and he turns to Jessica and he goes, I don't think it's an accident that we're here. And I'm like, was that anyone's working theory that he was doing? You just all wonder. Didn't fell. What my agent said I could eat crafty and this a little bit more.

Were you all going on the I nine and missed your exit? Cause I'm thinking that's how maybe he's all infected. Yeah. all going on the i9 and missed your exit because I'm thinking that's how maybe he notices her giant flaviflae block it and he goes, Hey, who's that guy in your lock? Tell me a little more of your backstory. And she says, Well, you know, that was my husband, but he's gone now. And Sam says, and I quote, What do you mean gone? He said, he's not my disappeared. It was so he said,

poof. Yeah, but she says, no, he was killed by a drunk driver and then upon hearing that, Sam realizes with a whole renewed sense of urgency that they need to go. He says, we've got to leave now and we all wrote in our notes. Yeah, man, that's the plot. It's so funny. We need to leave the blood room is what just occurred to me now after having like stuck my face into a dark area of the blood room. It's so funny because it's literally this. He was killed by a drug driver.

Well, we should probably hit the next detail. That's probably unrelated to anybody in the movie. Totally. It's changing the subject. So then we check in on Nadir and he's walking to a different asterisk creep room. This is the state we were in this room earlier and they're trying to act like we haven't, but it's really fucking funny. They didn't have as much abandoned hospital as they were expecting. But anyway, so he goes in there and he finds his dead daughter

in there. So we go into his back, right? She's going to chastise him for accidentally killing her over dating a black man. Mm-hmm. She was dating a black man and he slapped her down movie stairs and everyone knows when you fall down movie stairs, your neck instantly snaps. And let's do the good guy. Yes, exactly. Right. Yeah.

So yeah, he smacked her when she said the top of the stairs, she falls down and then we're like, wow, that doesn't seem like that much of a sin. Really, it's more of an accident. And then we find out that he framed the black boyfriend for her murder. Yeah, the cop showed up and he was just like, yeah, I think he slapped it down the stairs. Also, we have to talk about this. The actress uses the N word. Boyd, aren't she?

She's like, oh, you didn't want your daughter to date an N world and I was like, this is not a woman of the right color to be using. No, and I'm guessing not a right color. I'm like, hard Hard art like a hard. Well, what's amazing too is that this is the ghost or like a demon impersonating his daughter and going like, you remember that time when you smacked me and everything went really, really bad. And then he smacked her in the middle of being chastised. You almost expect them to go, oh, so yeah, no, I see how this is a me thing now. That is a me thing. I smacked first and ask questions later. That's on daddy.

Yeah. Yeah, but she says, you know, in order to make amends for this, you have to hang yourself now in pre-help. And he's like, okay, well, I got it. I guess that's just, that's only fair. Also, also, I have a spider monkey demon with me who would like to watch. This is the first time we get a really good look at the spider demon monkey, right? This is the first time we get Heath's best worst. It's the greatest. Because first of all, they're trying to pretend they have two of these costumes. They don't, right? There are not two different demons in this room. There's just one demon. And the same demon with like a a red blindfold instead of a blue one. There was a fight on the set about who got the bone wings for sure. So yes, so the demon like, you know, just sort of lurches and fucking crab walks

around. Again, it's on all fours the whole time going like I make it. Yeah. Yeah. The cast of fucking cats are like, you look pretty silly right now. You see that? You're embarrassing yourself. Now do hermit crab. Okay. Okay. Well, it's the same. It's you're doing the same. Yeah, but this is really pretty much what I was doing. So yeah, but then he goes, all right, well, yeah, no, I'll go kill myself. I'm very sorry, daughter. Forgive me, God. And then just as he says that the thing he was going to the news disappears and he just falls

on the floor and there is no demon and there is no daughter. And he's forgiven and it's okay that he framed an innocent man after murdering his daughter for dating a person of the wrong race. Yeah, I really wanted the spider buggy to be sitting there like oh Well, I guess I'll fuck off that Yeah, we give one more shot. We try to trick him out of it But yeah, you get one more shot for that. I'm a Christine still in the map tunnel If it's good thing Roger didn't know. So and elsewhere of course,

Sam Jessica and Celia, they come across another boarded window and Sam once again tries to, tries Astros to pry the boards off with his bare hands. Yeah, is this movie sponsored by Tony D's house of boards for Windows? Right. I like the idea that L is gonna have boarded windows that are like kind of tough to open. that's gonna be another right but openable big problem from the deceiver

So and so just like hey hold on a second. Why did you want to know so much about my backstory? What's your backstory and he says the dude in your locket the your dead husband Who died in the car accident was the guy I saw in the blue suit at the beginning of the movie that Eli forgot all about it was so insignificant. And she's like, fuck you. Super funny. That's literally her life. I left so hard.

I don't know why you would yell that at me. I was just naming a thing that's definitely true. We're stuck in a warehouse of metaphors. I feel like we just get all the information out and see if we can work it out. So a demon earlier, what are you like? Oh, well, just get what away. It was the supernatural is affecting us.

Yes, obviously. Also, does that mean that dead husband was like, oh, my wife is trapped in a hell test and an abandoned hospital? No, I don't really have anything I want to communicate to her. But can the guy who hit me in his car? I want to creep him out a little bit. I want to look like an airline stewardess who's out of his favorite snack boxes. At the end of a hallway when he first arrives, can I arrange that? Oh, it's my heaven. I can do what I want. Great.

We'll put a pen in that one. There's also like one of the truly funniest moments I've ever seen in a fucking movie, right? Cause he's trying to explain to her. He's like, look, we're obviously in pre-hell or something. There's some supernatural dimension. And just as he's saying that, a demonic arm reaches through the window that he's standing in for the boarded window and grabs him. Yeah. He fights his way out and then he points to it and he says, and I quote, see.

It's the best. He's giving the speech that like we're probably locked in hell or purgatory and he says, and I quote, see, it's the best. He's giving the speech that like we're probably locked in hell or purgatory. And she's like, what are you saying, though? And then right there, even the tax of, and he's like, I'm saying this, right? Yeah, this is making my, do you see this? This I'm right. Also about there, your husband, when you said, fuck you, I'm right about everything I said so far. And I love so she

The demons got him so she grabs the pipe he's been carrying around and she just stabs it once and it dies Like you she stabs it with a pipe not even a sharp object and it just dies. These are some damn fragile demons Demons they must be mad about the weird limitations on their movement and they're like Yeah, they've look they rolled a lot of bad D20s or something. Yeah. A lot of crit fails. So yeah, so they wander off. Then we hear someone screaming for help. This is yet another new character being like, come to the next scene. It's this way. I'm new. You don't care who I am, I'm just, just for that. Yeah, so the guy comes, like screaming in there, like we should hide from this guy, fuck him,

right? Am I right? It's fuck whoever this person is. This is Teddy, this is because every kickstarter back or over $100 got a speaking fucking line. This is Teddy. He was a loan shark, and now he's in hell being punished for that. Hey, I feel like lone shark doesn't exactly fit with the rapist pedophile serial killer groups

that we've got. Yeah, but I mean, you know, we've also got like did heroin and got an abortion here. So it's, he's middle of the road to somewhere on the spectrum. Yeah. Usury is.

So I had that thought and then the Satan character. By the way, Daniel Levine is Satan for sure. Get it. He walks in and reveals himself to be Satan. Yeah, he walks in and reveals it. And he's like, actually, so Daniel Levine, anagrams to devil and Eli. What? What?

Shit. Heath, turn around right now. Boom, boom, boom. Yeah, you're a podcaster. Yeah, right, right. Got him. But this is where Satan is like, yeah, by the way, I feel like I know what you're thinking. Greed, loan shark, and kind of like a borderline like J walking type of sand. But yeah, you know, rules of rules.

So you're all here. Yep. Yep. And Teddy's like, okay, so let me ask you like we're exactly in the line of how much interest I'm allowed to charge just to become a hell worthy trespassing your mind and he's like demons eat him. Demons eat him. But he speaks, he says it in demon, right?

He turns to the demon and he goes, chitter, chitter. I hope that demon was really sassy back up. The demon was like, Oh, kill him. Kill him. Oh, good. I'm glad you told me in my language. Otherwise, it wouldn't possibly understand what would happen. Your accent sounds stupid, by the way.

You sound like a fucking hick. You don't even know. You like that guy that goes to the diner and he says, I'm bored. Gaysa because he thinks that the waiter is, is, is, is, is, spanny. Obviously, the waiter speaks English here. Come on. So the gang that's that Sam Jessica and Silya, they run away from Satan. He kills Taddy and they realized they need to hide Silya because having a little kid in your horror

movie is terribly inconvenient. So Sam comes up with a great idea. He's like, hey, let's lower her down this laundry shoot on a little rope. And then hope we can find a way to get down to the laundry later. Let's paint a hole on this wall and then the road runner. We'll run through it. Maybe Satan installed one shoot that's actually an exit. It could be this one. Right. I get out.

Yeah, because they know now that they're in a supernatural health building. Why would they think? Yeah. Right. They won't, by the way, spend the rest of the movie stuffing this child into various containers for no reason. They will. Yeah. Exactly. So, yeah. So they're going to lower her down into the laundry shoot. Jessica kisses her, which seems weird. They just met, right? Yeah. And she starts to climb down. But just then Satan starts coming, right? He's like right behind him. So they have to like sort of just wedge the rope on here and and run and hide and hope the kid is fine. Yeah, it's like, I don't if you've ever had a dog and then there's

an emergency situation, you have to do that. Like, I'm just going to put your leash here. Don't do anything. Right, yeah, right. They do that with a human who's dangling for all we know, like eight stories up in this abandoned house. Yeah, a silent bottle of hype. Yes, yeah. The floor is lava. Actually, it kind of is.

That's pretty funny. The floor is lava. Don't move. Yes. So yeah, so they hide. Satan comes in and he goes like, Oh, I wonder what this rope leading to this fucking laundry shoot is doing it. Come on guys This is so easy. So he just keeps doing them unties it and throws the rope in there. It's so funny He's like come out or I'm killing this little girl and you don't say anything and he's like, okay

I'm killing this little I'm killing this little girl. And then it kills her. I laughed for so long. They just don't do anything. Right, we'll find out later that she's climbed to safety by this point, but for all we know at the moment, they're like, yeah, no better her than us. There's nothing we can do to help her.

Sam's just like, well, this does make our lives easier in terms of the neighborhood. She's pretty strong. You gotta admit. Maybe if someone hadn't brought her along in the first place, we would make this decision. We had an opportunity to just avoid this problem. So, yeah.

So, Satan wanders off and Jessica freaks out and Sam's like, hey, look, we barely even knew that it was weird that you kissed her. We knew her for such a short period of time that it was weird when you kissed her, right? Come on. Come on. Let's get over that. Now, I would think it'd be a bit of an insult to the very concept of division to pretend this movie distinguishes between a second and a third act.

But we're going to take a break here anyway, right after I give act to be the hard sell. Will every single beat of this movie play out exactly as you expect it will in the third act with so little mystery, how will I manage to come up with three entire questions here? How about them Jaguars? Find out the answers to some of these questions and I guess other stuff when we return for the generic conclusion of Kingdom come. Quick, this way, Jack, I'm so scared. There's no escape from me, little piggies. I can smell your souls.

Who are you? I'm sorry, did you just say who are you? Yeah, what do you want from us? Are you guys being serious right now? I'm super obviously Satan. Oh, say. I'm totally mixed with that. I have a literal demon with me with bone wings.

Right. What the fuck did you think was happening? I don't know, maybe you're like a serial killer or a serial killer with telekinesis who knows all of your sins. Maybe. I don't know. No, not maybe. That's just not a thing. I'm just I'm super obviously the devil. Kia. Dude, what are you doing? I was hitting you with a bat. But you thought a bat was gonna work against Satan, the Prince of Darkness. I don't know, it might.

You can't know unless you try. I feel like you can, okay, look, let me just lay it out for you. I'm Satan. You guys are sinners. And the only way to defeat me is through my ultimate enemy, a second bat. Yeah, no, no, it's to the power of God. Or is it a third bat? Yeah, there it is.

Where the hell do you keep getting these bats? Facebook, marketplace. Okay. As is. And we're back for still more of this shit. We're gonna rejoin the action with Chuck the pedophile. He's heard a noise and he wants to check and see if there's a jump scare on the other end of it.

Right. Yeah. There is. He's got a shovel. Like he's going to beat up a demon shovel is going to dig a demon. Yeah. Why is there a shovel there in this abandoned hospital? That's a great question.

A great question. Like a big outdoor shovel, not like a tr a travel, a shop, either way, that's weird. I mean, you know, it was up someone's ass at some point, right? That's the only reason. Oh, yeah, that makes sense. Yes, it's a steam powered hospital at some point. You know, it was in the laundry.

That's where it would wind up if it was extracted. So yeah, no, that makes sense. So yeah, so he walks up, but, but damn if it's not the little girl, Celia, she made it out of the tunnel and hit in a washing machine, but now she's with the pedophile character. Yeah. And look, I know Chuck's a pedophile, right? We've known that since we saw his glasses and act one, but it's weird that he's like picking up girls now, right?

It's just like it's not the time. With demons about this. Yeah. Yeah. So, okay. So meanwhile, Sam and Jess are fiercely running through halls in pursuit of her. They find a stairwell, but the door's locked. Yeah. And she yells, she's like, stairs. Let's use the stairs. I was like, cool. Yeah. Maybe they have a nice finished basement in this. Hell, please.

Check out the down. You're in hell. I don't think you should be going down. And yeah the down. You're in hell. I don't think you should be going down. And yeah, right. If anything, right. Go up. So, and he can't get the door open. So he says to her, and I quote, watch your eyes.

I love to see him demonstrate that one. And then he breaks the glass. And honestly, like I was a little surprised that this movie had smash windows, even in a derelict building levels of budget here. I'm sure for sure. Yeah, we're supposed to do that. But Jess doesn't want to go down the stairs. She wants to wait and save Celia or tell Celia or send Celia. No, it's not clear what she wants. And the only reason I point that out is because Sam has to deliver the line. Wait, Jess. And it is literally the least enthusiastic performance we have ever seen on a God awful

movie. And someone once bought us a video of Kevin Sorbo admitting his entire world view is wrong. And he gets mad at her too. She's going us to find Celia, the little kid. And he gets mad at her too. She's going to find Celia, the little kid. And he's like, fucking women. He just says that to himself. And I was like, you know, go ahead, Sam, finish your thought. Yes. Fucking women rescuing kids all the time. Always rescuing children that I just dropped into a tunnel. Can't live with them. I can't drop a child into a tunnel without them checking to see what happened to. Yeah, exactly. So he follows her. They go straight to the laundry room. Luckily, they figure out where that was pretty quick. She's gone, but they find like the zip-o that they'd given her. So she'd have a source of light. So

they'd go in the direction, the zip-o points them. I guess that's supposed to mean. I smell a pedophile this direction. Yeah, let's go this direction. Sure. Why not? So then we cut to Charles DePeto and he's with Celia and he's, and he's hitting on her. It's very uncomfortable moment there. He's like, do you like me? And she's like, oh, no, not at all.

Oh, God. Jesus, DeVy, you've seen your glasses. You're obviously a pedophile. It's super funny. Look, I don't want to give these writers too much credit, but these writers don't know how pedophiles abuse children. So that's a pro. So he's just like, we could be friends and she's like, no, thank you.

And he's like, um, do you like lollipops? And she's like, no, I'm okay. And he's like, all right, well, I'm getting my dick out. I'm a pedophile in a movie. I don't really know what the steps are. Yeah. Here comes Mr. Winky. Yeah, but just then Rachel shows up in brains with the fucking shovel. Go Rachel.

Okay. I just want to pause for a second because Satan's going to show up in a second too. Mm-hmm. We have seen a series of, are you going to have in or hell tests, right? Right. They have been, will you do drugs with your body? You were a murder rapist. You murdered your daughter.

Keep in mind that guy passed that one. Right. Cause he said he was sorry. Yeah. Also loan shark with a high interest rate. Yep. He could have said he was sorry too. And Rachel's test will now be, will you kill the Patophile? You just stopped from fucking a child right now.

I want to be clear. Not only is that not morally wrong, it's not even a crime. Yes. If you walk in on someone abusing a child and murder them, it's morally required. Right. They're like, Hey, good job. Right. Nailed it. Here's your little pilot's wings. Absolutely. Absolutely. And for, and as far as we can tell, that's her only sin. Again, we're in pre-how. Why is she here? We never established that she did any bad thing, right?

She was just the victim of molestation. Her sin is failing to forgive her rapist. Right. And again, not even just failing to forgive him rapist. Right. And again, not even just failing to forgive him, but knowing that he is still a child of music. Yep. And she not walked in.

He would have raped a child right then and there. Yes. Yes. And like Satan comes in and he's like trying to like convert her to you. Like she's like, yes, give in to your anger. And there's this kind of like, will she or won't she moment? And she turns to silly and she says, turn around and cover your ears, cause will she?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, Satan comes in and does a slow clap for to speeding up the pedophile mid pedophile. Like, am I supposed to not be agreeing with the literal prince of darkness? Like the movie got very confused here. I thought it was just gonna to end. Well, I can see why a Christian movie would not want you to be super mad at pedophiles and hold a big grudge about it. Right? Yeah,

exactly. Does make sense. Yeah. So, but just then so Satan's like, yeah, go ahead, kill him with the shovel. It'll be great. Like you whack his whole fucking head off. And just then Sam runs and he throws a halo on his head and he jumps on Rachel's other shoulder and we have the most literal moment of psychomachia we have ever seen in God of a movies, right? Where the literal devil is standing because she's down in a depression, right? So Satan is pretty much up on one shoulder and Sam is up on the other. Right. To be clear, Satan, the Prince of Darkness, kill the pedophile, protagonist of the movie.

Yes. Don't do that. Don't do that. Yep. Also, Sam has no arguments, right? The argument, Sam, should be making is, I don't know if you've noticed, but there's two spider monkey demons in the room. This is a test.

Yes. So, they would have been that. They don't kill the pedophile. They would have been that. They don't kill the pedophile. They don't do the thing that the guy with the spider monkey demons is suggesting that you do because of the spider monkey demon test. We can talk, we can all go get coffee and talk about the recidivism rate among petarists

and maybe all agree together. We can get J dog down here and we can all agree together. It's better for you to brain him with a shovel. But right now, this is a pop quiz. But instead Sam doesn't do any of that, any of that explaining. He's just like, don't kill the pedophile because I am going to go for a sweet sneak attack called run across the room from really far. I'm trying to do like a flying kick of the devil.

What was he thinking that was going to make us what he's doing? Is he sat in Satan up to do a force push, right? But what did he imagine was going to happen there? Just knocks ain't no. Wow. Okay. It was flying kick everybody. All right. So just saying has kind of a glass jaw. Yeah. Do we kick Satan while he's on cars? Oh, and then Rachel's about to not do it. And then Satan goes, if you don't kill him, it means that you are into the molestation and that you liked it. And I'm like, oh, I'm so glad we don't have a guest for this episode.

Oh, my. Me too. Oh, I got to tell you originally I had scheduled this for a carrow week. And I was like, nice, nice. Good week. Good switcher room. That's Good that we didn't do. Good switch room. I mean, she's also in the movies. So she probably signed something that she couldn't be in. I was going to. Yeah, right. No, that's probably yeah. So and I love this moment too.

Because then Rachel beans him to death with the shovel, right? Kills the guy and say it's like, I get to take your soul. Celia turns to both of them and say, well, that's about it for her. Let's get the fuck out of here, huh? Well, anyways, you guys want to go? You'd think Celia would be a little bit more invested in the safety and wellbeing of someone who had just saved her from a pedophile, but she's like, no, she's like that. Can't let him on. She, she cast her lot. It's how I act when someone shitty quits podcasting. Yeah. Right. Like everyone's like, oh, did you see the Facebook post and I'm like, what?

Oh, so so sad. That's the time to move on though. Yeah So then we we follow Sam Jess and Celia through more breathless and aimless running through hallways and shit They stop into another room and he's like, I need to find I lost my pipe. I need a new signature weapon And they're like, why did you think the pipe was going to do the trick against Satan and his literal fucking demonic minions? You just got forced pushed the moment you tried to do it. Yeah, I killed you. You hadn't even done your run across the room and he was like, I'm Satan.

What are you doing? Look, Jess, you killed a demon earlier with a pipe. There's no reason to believe that I can't just get Satan when he's not looking. That's true. Yeah. We have no idea what the rules are. We just know they're not consistent. Yeah. So, but Satan's following behind him, giving him the stupid fucking Satan monologue that this writer came up with. Just once can Satan not do a, oh, how I hate the human's monologue? Or could it at least not have a literal, in it? I mean, give me a fucking break.

Also, maybe don't have Satan go by smell most importantly over any other magic. Right. A lot of smelling. A lot of smelling. Or maybe you instruct your actor not to do the same voice. I would do if I was making fun of Shakespearean actors. Yeah. Oh, it's so over the top and stupid. So yeah, so Satan sniffs his way to him. They're all hiding behind this wall. And he realizes that they're there and he's like shit talking them and shit talking God. And Sam is holding up a wrench,

ready to smack him with a very small wrench at a moment's notice. But then Satan reaches through the fucking drywall, ready to smack him with a very small wrench at a moment's notice. But then Satan reaches through the fucking drywall Chris Cooley style and grabs Jeff. Yeah, that was just for you. It's such a good commercial just for you. I can't imagine anybody else knows what the fuck I'm talking about. But yeah, no, he punches through the wall to grab Sam.

And then his hand gets knocked off and he's like, okay, should have just walked around the corner. It's right. It's right. I'm nine second time out. Yeah, no fucking Sam wax him and then knuckles with his wrench like a none with a ruler and say, it's like, oh, no, I have been defeated temporarily. You can escape now. So they run back to the stairwell again, going further down, because I think that's where the exit from hell is. And Sam's like, hey, we should hide Celia again. And Jessica's like, why? That did not work out well for us last time.

He's like, well, she wasn't there, so it worked out in that sense. Come on, that'll be fine. Celia is like, seriously? Seriously? He says, and again, here's like, this is a direct quote. He says, if we separate, we can lose him and make our way back to her. And I'm like, but then you would just be where you are now. What is the logic here? You're going to get Satan lost within his own hell area and double back. Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

So, but just reluctantly agrees that they can hide Celia in a cupboard. And she even says she's like, hey, try not to get carted off by another fucking pedophile this time, huh? Cause she's gonna, this is on you this time, you know, stranger danger Celia. Come on. Yeah. So they start to walk away, Satan sees him right away. They run away, but that doesn't work, because he's Satan, the Prince of fucking darkness, right? So he's just suddenly in front of them. They turn around, they start running back like, oh, maybe this time it'll work and he telekinetically knocks them over.

He might as well say, guys, I'm fucking Satan, the Prince of darkness. He does another force pull this time, not a push. And they like hold off the magical force pull from Satan. And I was like, okay, so he has that, but it's like medium. It's medium. It's like kind of we it's strong on the push like like week on the pole. Clearly, yeah. And not just that. She makes it into the chapel, which is safe. Yeah. Why would he have? Why would he put them in a building with the safe? Satan's like, I rented a building with a God room again. Fuck this.

He said, also he can teleport. He can run real fast. Why is he using the telekinesis right now? Why is he using something that can be so easily thwarted? Makes no fucking sense. Anyway, so yes, so Jess climbs into the chapel. Sam doesn't make it though. So he gets Sam and Satan's like, okay, I can't go into the chapel, but I'm going to torture Sam right in front of you if you don't come out.

I want her to be like, okay, I mean, I just met this guy. He's the worst so far. Yeah, right. So kind of a do your thing. Here's what I know about him. He wants to abandon a child so bad. Three, two, one, go. Like it's his thing. Yeah. He couldn't come up for an argument of not killing a pedophile in front of Satan and his Spider Monkeys. He's not a team player.

Yeah. Also, just wax. Everybody who comes around the corner with pipes. I don't know if you noticed that. It was you. Yeah. I used to do it into you. So yeah, but she's going to rescue him. So she goes to leave the chapel, but just then she notices a little tiny crucifix hidden

in the rubble. Oh, yeah. I guess you have to find a cross that was like manufactured as a crop. You can't just like make a T-shape out of two things. Yeah. Well, I don't know because she doesn't even really try. Once you find out that crosses are as weakness, you would think you'd make a bunch of little crosses, but no.

Fingers? Can't you do the finger, I don't know. The rules are weird. Yeah. So she comes out, she's got a little cross, he speed runs up to her, and grabs her by the throat, and she says, who are you? Come on. Who am I?

Let's hit a bit, leave that to what she said. Come on. I am I? That's what she said. I'm Tim Tebow. Who the fuck do you think I am? She says, fuck you. And he says, oh, you'd love that, wouldn't you? If I fucked you, you could have another sinful abortion, which is Goddard. Goddard. Goddard. Goddard.

That we're just now going to think that we're revealing to the audience. You had an abortion. Fucking God, her. That's why you're in hell. So, yeah, so he opens his mouth all satanfully and she stabs him in the eye with a crucifix. And I'm thinking to myself, you could have, if you're going to stab him in the eye, you could have just picked up any damn thing. I don't think I had to be a cross.

No, but because it's across, it works. Like it doesn't heal. Yeah, right, right. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like Satan, Prince of Darkness is just missing in the eye now. He's got an eye rash. He's going to make fury thing. And then Satan's like, it's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye.

Stupid. I don't know why I tried to do like a battery. It's just sounded good in my head. All the time he phrased there. But yes, but then suddenly the demons all come running around and surround them and Satan's like, oh, so like speaking of reveals that everyone already figured out, have you told Jessica yet Sam that you're the drunk driver that killed her husband? And he's going for the kill the pedophile that raped you as a child stakes, but absolutely no one is feeling those stakes except for Satan. Right. Like she's

like, Oh, you killed my husband. Um, that sucks, man. I'm upset with you. And she ended and he's like, wouldn't you like to kill him with this rusty end of a paper cutter that I have now. And she's like, maybe, I don't know, let me hold it, let me get a feel of it. It's, let me say, I've been hit by a drunk driver and it sucked and I certainly don't wish well for that person, but if someone appeared and was like, wanna behead them, I'd be like, no.

No, it'd be a pretty easy fucking answer to one what I want them to like get into a secular recovery program. Is that an option? Can I be like you have to go to secular recovery? My love to do that. So yeah, anyway, so Satan gives to the machete. She's like she raises it up above her head like she's actually going to do it. And then he's like, yeah man, I'm super sorry. And she's like, I forgive you. Or actually, no, I'm sorry, she climatically says to Satan, I forgive him. Is the delivery. The spider monkeys, by the way, we have the best. Yeah. The spider monkeys are bored as the spider monkeys might as well be sitting there smoking at this point.

Do it. Because they're in like a pool. Then they might as well like be kicking their legs and like, let us know. You need the assistance of a spider monkey demon at any point. Yeah. So, but then she turns and she wax satan in the neck with the machete, which also works. Apparently, it's a consecrated paper cutter edge. Well, just short term, just short term.

Well, right. Yeah. Okay. No, you're right. It all adds up in that eye is gone forever. Satan is like daffy duck for this whole movie getting tricked. Yeah. It's funny.

It's the best. Well, especially in this moment, right? Because he's like, ah, you know, that's not a crucifix. So it won't work. I'm going to kill you. Just like you killed your unborn child and just then Sylia comes in holding her hand up like fucking eleven or something. She's like, oh, hell no, motherfucker. And throws him against the wall with her forced powers. I wanted to kung fu fight so bad fight. So I know none of these actors are busy working. We put you in training for three to 10 years and we just have a super good Kung Fu fight of Satan versus this little girl. This is my favorite fucking movie. And it's just get that like

techno going. So fuck. Yeah. Don't talk. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. None jokes. Come on. So this little girl's an angel, right? That's what they're going for.

Basically. Yes. Yeah. It's dumber than that, but sure for now. To be clear, that means an angel, an angel showed up at this weird Satan purgatory warehouse thing and played along with Satan's little skit. Yes, the whole time.

Instead of just telling him the answer, what was that? I'm saved, everybody. Could it just be like, okay, so you're not going to believe me at first, but then a demon is going to grab somebody and it's going to all make sense. Yeah, but she's throwing him around with the force and he says, and the movie is just so poorly done that it's just, you you're there's no suspension of disbelief So it's really just a grown man screaming at a seven year old fuck you and your god you little cunt like that Just uncomfortable Thanksgiving right every

Eighties from the Thanksgiving and your grandma your grandma who's Christian is like Yeah What's great is that everyone in the room does that. Like, I don't think you say the seaworth any more. Yeah, right. Like, he's like, no, the British saying it's like, yeah, we're not British. Yeah, right.

Come on. It feels like British earlier. We actually didn't know. You didn't know it though. Yeah, but so she uses her light eyes and suddenly a bunch of demonic hands yank satan through the wall, presumably to hell, which is where he keeps his stuff. It's not a big deal. Why?

Go to my room. I think he's fine. Okay, through the wall thing is a little too much now. Everybody could just be walking around into the room and do stuff in the room where the things are happening, but they keep going for the wall smash. It felt like a sex thing for the movie makers to me at this point. Oh, maybe like a glory hole fetish scenario. Okay. All right. All right.

My favorite part of this scene is that after Satan gets sucked away, Celia does like a chess check at the spider monkeys. She's like, you want a piece of this and they're like, Hey, we just work here. Yeah. Right. No, we were actually just smug. We were a lot more. It's weird. I'm on my 15. Can you take off my blind vault?

Hey, so hey, Celia, take off my blindfold and I'll tell you where we nap. So with the day saved, Celia goes over to comfort. Jess and Sam and Jess is like, Hey, there was a bit in there earlier where Satan said there's no redemption for a sinner like me. What was what was that? He was just talking shit, right? That was not a lot of don't listen to him. That is just stupid. Oh, he's the literal devil. He lies really. You're not with the concept yet?

Okay. And then we get this movie's best worst reveal, right? Which as I said, I'm sure the listener has already figured out that Celia, the angel kid, is the daughter that Jessica aborted when she was 18. And she forgives her. She says, I forgive you, Mommy. I laughed so God damn hard.

So fucking hard. I laughed a lot. The air marshal had a gun to my temple. He was just like, nope. He was just laughing. Milk is pouring into his cereal bowl that he has somehow on the plane. She says, the important thing that you is that you always loved me. And I wrote in my notes, I mean, the important thing is that she killed you, right? Right. She could, the Jessica even says, how in the world could you forgive me? And she says, because you felt terrible about getting an abortion

for your entire life and you guilted yourself and you never got over it and you let it psychologically scar you so much that I forgive you. And she's like, oh, okay. Now, and also, I have the impression that the actor playing Jessica is not down with this shit, because she has the emotional level of fucking buster Keaton on her face to this entire exchange, right?

There's this moment of like, I can't believe it's come to this on her fucking face as she's saying these lines. She's literally texting her agent, okay, I'll do soft core porn while she's delivering the lines. She's like, you know, mommy always regretting. Yeah, no, absolutely. No, I said soft corn. Yes, soft.

And then so then she the little girl turns to Sam and she says, one, seven, two, she's waiting. Come on, just say the answer. I want it said to be like, sorry, what will you just say the whole idea? Why do you do it? And vague help me. Riddle. Also, just just to be clear here, do you do it? Vague help me, Riddle. It still is stupid.

Also, just to be clear here, if you have an abortion, this is the accidental moral of the story by this dumb movie. Yes. This is the moral. If you have an abortion, you'll get magically saved by the angel of the dead fetus if you have any health problems. You should try to have at least have an abortion. Abortion, yeah.

And you get an angel fetus who can beat up Satan and help you out. Yes. Right. And you should have two or three. She'd not two or three abortions. This movie would have been easy. They probably could have saved, you know, Rachel and everybody in two. Roblo charging the gates of hell with his armies of aborted babies. Yeah. And if you want to have a big abortion, like late as possible. So they're bigger to fight. Yeah. Right.

That's a good thing to get. Get a little, uh, the grudge going drown, drown one big kid in a bathtub. You know, just see that. Someone who's got like a little oomph behind the uppercut. Really late. Well, kill your daughter like, like, Carly, for your arena bed, right? That was an adult. Okay.

Okay. Fourth trimester. So then we get this car crash transition graphic that would have been too cheesy for the super friends. What the hell was going on here? Oh, this was the buddy who just learned CGI being like, I want to use my glass based stuff again. Yeah.

They're like, I'm clearly. So we see Sam waking up. Now he's in a car accident. This is not the car accident from before. It's a different one, different car accident. The entire, this car accident, entire being is built around this car accident that knew he wasn't. This is a different car accident.

He is now in like a 72 car pileup that includes all of the other characters they kept fighting. So we got sent back in time or like Satan called it a time out like a Zach Morris time out. Yes, a time out right at the moment of crashing and everybody else's things. And it was hanging out. There was a 97 car pile up and he was like, okay, you know what? There's actually quite a few damned people in this. I wonder if I could get a little spook around going. Yeah, exactly. That's exactly what the movie's fucking premises. Yes. So Sims just run

it through. He sees like half a dead guy in the street. It's Charles to pedophile. He sees a dead lady hanging out the window. It's Victoria, right? Rogers there. He's dead. He runs by Nadir. Nadir made it because he's so apologize to God for killing his daughter and framing a black man for it, right? But as he's run around, he's yelling for Jessica. He sees my own marker, one, seven, two, just like the kids said. Yeah. And if he didn't see that, he would have stopped looking. So it's really a good thing. She told him, I really wanted to not notice Yeah. And if he didn't see that, he wouldn't stop looking. So it's really good thing she told him. I really wanted to not notice that. And then like the little girl has to be like, oh my God, idiot.

Oh, there. I don't find it. Well, but also like I expected that something would come of this, right? But she's just off the, it's not like she's like way far off the road where nobody would have seen her. She's just off the fucking road. And the paramedics are the ones that come like immediately after he goes down there and they're like,

hey, we also noticed her move away from her. We will save her life while you stand there screaming. No, no, after all their hands. Her dead baby told me I have to hold her hand. Yeah, right, right. And she's just holding her hand through it. And then she, but she's mirrored back to life. She comes back to life and is forgiven for her abortion now.

Okay, just to recap, the pedophile, the serial rapist, they're dead. Yes. But Nadir is still alive after killing his daughter for dating Plankai and doing a frame-up. Yes. That's a nuanced line in the sand that this movie is trying to draw. Yeah, so weird compass. Well, especially because Rachel is in hell,

not not only dead, but in hell for returning me now, because she killed the guy who was already dead. There's all, like he was cut in half in the accident. Right, so she killed the dead guy in Satan's imagination dream and died and went to hell for it. That's a really weird fucking line. Yes, sir. This is a weird argument that happened in real life with the movie maker who was like,

I will make this point. Like this was adjudicated by the movie against somebody. He had an insane argument with, I guess. I guess. I guess. Okay. So now we get Sam and, uh, and Jess, there'll be a loaded into side by side ambulances, like an, like an ad for overdosing on Cialis or something.

Yeah. But it turns out that Satan is driving the ambulance. The movie might as well end with, or is it? Yeah. Right. Sam's like, no, that doesn't make any sense. What are we even saying now? ambulance the movie might as well end with or is it yeah right? Sam's like no that doesn't make any sense what are we even saying? What is that even me? I Wanted Satan to just drive to the hospital normal and then be like okay didn't didn't really work out my next plan

Yeah, just missing a hand now and an eye just an eye my hand grew back He's so though into the hospital too, fuck. See if they at least have an eye patch for me. All right, well, I guess that's gonna do it for our review of Kingdom Come, but that's not gonna do it for the episode just yet because we still need to loob ourselves up for next week, so Eli, tell us what's on deck.

Well, Noah, we've been waiting long, long time for this one. And I'm glad we did, because we'll be watching whatever that movie's called in Las Vegas. Sound of freedom, live in Las Vegas. Awesome. Can't wait. So with that to look forward to, we're gonna make episode 437 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you'd like to catch something up there,

you can make a pre-episode donation to patreon.com slash god off. And thereby, you're gonna learn access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five star review that help make the show go. If you'd like to catch up with yourself among their ranks, you can make a pre-episode donation to patreon.com.com. So I got off of it, and thereby earn an access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms if you enjoyed this show. We'll be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating aides, citation aid, D&D,

minus the skeptic grad, available wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or send them at us suggestions, you can get them out of our website at gmail.com. Timor opposite takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slot, and we'll be in full of drafts on Mars. All the other music was written and performed by our

audience here, and we're more carcassous with permission. Thanks again other music was written and performed by our alien Jira Morgan Clark and we'll use it with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen right knee-librastic on the No Volusions promise to work harder and another chunk next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast glove close. Bonewing Demon just sat in the passenger seat of that ambulance and played with a fidget spinner. Pfft. Ha ha ha. Nadeer went on to go to heaven. Well, the daughter he murdered for dating a black guy

probably went to hell. This is their theology. Or all of the story. Satan is still just missing an eye now. I guess. Yes. Yeah. Fucked up his ping pong game.

Satan goes to the hospital. Wow, the medical system here is fucked up. I'm literally the demon of the universe. Wow. Ow. How? How? How?

How? How? How? How? How? How? How? How? How? How? How?

How? How? How? How? How? How? I'd have to pay for this, I have to pay for my own amp. I drove the amp, fuck, okay. Yeah, I should at least get it. What do you wonder, what do you mean a copay is different than a deductible? Boundwinger, you paying attention to this? So I'm not insured? Well, you should be, you should be, not for a while. I'm not insured for a while.

What? What? Put your switch down. No, you don't have to finish the day on Stardew. You can just press the home button and it pauses it. Yes, it does. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2023. All rights reserved.