God Awful Movies - 43: GAM043 Cipher in the Snow and Johnny Lingo

Episode Date: June 14, 2016

This week, Eli and Noah are joined by Bryce Blankenagel for an atheist review of Cipher in the Show and Johnny Lingo, two "educational" shorts produced by BYU in a desperate (and misguided) effort to make Mormonism seem normal. --- If you'd like to hear more from Bryce, you can check him out on The Naked Mormonism Podcast or on My Book of Mormon. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page.

Un chapuzón, con el hábito, tu serie favorita y en medio de tu siesta. ¡Ey! ¿Has visto esta? No sabes la de planazos que hay este verano en Guésville Parque Sur, con ciertas obsesiones con DJs, clases de yoga, talleres con martes y actividades con niños, te apuntas. Un sueño de verano, bailo es simple que sur. It must have been terrifying to have your teacher show you a movie about how your teachers if they don't like you can make you mentally handicapped and then die. Yes, like this seems like a threat. This is like a movie.

Oh, like I can't imagine. She turned off the VCR and then turn to all of you and be like, so, who the fuck brought an apple? I'm just saying. I'll lower your IQ by 10 points right here. You just forgot your timestables because I don't like you. I have to. Yeah. MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE!

Welcome back to the Gamcast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because we deserve it. I'm not allowed to say why, but trust me, we just deserve it. I'm your host, Noah Luzonz, and sitting to my immediate left is the chair where heath usually sits unfortunately He's in the middle of a big move so he's not gonna be joining us this week But sitting 989 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli have you gotten the taste of Ray comfort out of your mouth yet? I'm doing my best to keep it in there. I haven't eaten or drank anything since reason rally I'm desperately hallucinating That shoehorn Slavers saver, I love it. And sitting as far away from me as a person can sit without leaving the contiguous United States as the host of the Mormon serial history podcast,

Naked Mormonism, the guy who David Michael bailed on on my book of Mormon's podcast, and our special guest, Massacus, Bryce Blank and Eagle Brace. Welcome to God Awful Movies. Oh, that fucking asshole, David. Hey, how's it going guys? Thanks for having me. Awesome, awesome. We did a lot of that in the outtakes of the last week's show. So it's going to be a little repetitive, but that's okay. That's all right. I just have to say, you know, thanks for inviting me on. This is a great opportunity. And you know, it was, it was really good hanging out with you guys at Reason Rally. Noah, you know, it was good hanging out as usual. I would say it's the same to Heath, but he's obviously a little busy. I got to say, I only spent like five minutes with Eli, but that five minutes forever changed my life. Yeah, you should get stronger, man. You should get strut. You turned your back in the bathroom and everything.

Like, I don't know, I don't blame the victim here or anything. I'm just saying 20 minutes of my action. Would you say five minutes of my action shouldn't ruin my life? Got this partner. Cut all of it. Ha ha ha ha. I have to share this with the entire class here.

But this is a true story, right? I met Eli in a group of about seven people there. And there was another guy there with his eight-year-old kid. And somehow during this discussion, Eli was able to convince this eight-year-old that they'd be doing Yager bombs and snorting Coke off of a DC Hooker's ass by the end of the night. That's true.

That is Andrew Torres' son. That's Andrew Torres' son. Yes, let's call him out here. Let's call him. Make sure we call him out. I want to say, by the way, ultimately we did not snort that cocaine with that kid off of a stripper's ass. It was a totally different ass.

You baby do it. Yes. So now, unlike our last guest massacres, Bryce, you are an actual genuine exmo. Are you not? That's correct. Born and raised in Salt Lake City. unlike our our last gas massacres price you are an actual genuine exmo are you not that's correct born and raised in Salt Lake city there's north of it but yeah that's me wow okay so do these movies give you any kind of like crazy flashbacks did you

find yourself like huddled in a closet at any point i okay i have to say uh... the first one i never i never seen the first one but the second one that were watching johnny lingo that was like one of the second one that we're watching Johnny Lingo that was like one of the first movies that I ever saw that was like an actual Mormon production movie as a kid and seeing it again for this time it was it was like some Vietnam flashback shit where I like I felt like I needed to drink to make it go away but the more drunk drunk I got, the worse that the feelings got, and then it made me remember that time that I got beat,

and like, it was just a horrible situation. Yeah, this movie seems to be the touchy uncle of Exmos. Like, everybody's like, oh, you kiddin', take a chart, oh, fuck, he molested me. Oh, man. I'm gonna get you to go on by a bottle of something clear. Yeah, note the whole bottle's for me. I don't care what you get for you Taking the whole fucking thing down

So now we have already obviously spilled the beans on one of them But we are doing a double feature this week So since he's not here to fulfill this obligation. I'm gonna turn to you. E like can you tell us what will we be breaking down today? We'll be breaking down Sipher in the snow and Johnny lingo One is a cautionary tale about kids not being losers cuz it'll kill you Mm-hmm, and the other is

The third most racist thing ever to happen First if you count not murders. I don't we'll get to it. I don't how to describe it other than that. Yeah I think I feel like a full 45 minute break down is the only way we're going to get that movie across. Okay so now it's going to be a different kind of episode in a lot of ways this week because honestly neither of these movies are religious and neither of them are movies. We're breaking new ground here. Basically, we're breaking down two educational videos produced by Brigham Young University in what seems like a desperate and misguided effort to project normalcy from the LDS.

These are like the short film equivalents of going, Nothing weird over here. Just bunch of regular Christians over here loving our neighbors and not plotting against the government with our 11 wives or anything. Just regular God. And here's the thing. They're so close to good messages. Like you can tell, this is like the telephone game of good messages and educational films. It's like be nice to the unpopular kid and treat women well But they got funneled straight through the cheesecloth of crazy and this is what came out on the other side You said that so well

It was like they were so close to conveying like a good heartfelt message that you could actually use But then they had a pepper in like racism and abusive fathers and and all kinds of really other horrible shit that just kind of pepper in like racism and abusive fathers and all kinds of really other horrible shit that just kind of didn't you lost the message right the end of it. It's just really fucked up. Yeah. It's like being told to wash your hands by a grand wizard of the KKK. He's like, you know, germs are a real problem. You're going to wash your hands, gotta get in between your fingers. And I'm just like, dude, the hood is distracting. I'm just telling you what you're saying is right, but who's saying it is a problem well but it's more like it's more like if that guy said to you like if you don't wash your hands you'll turn black

right yeah yeah exactly you like had a white guy who washes his hands and a black guy who doesn't and they kill and drag the black guy behind a car and they're like, see, wash your hands and you're like, whoa, no, God, so much around that that I want to talk about. And they're like, what, you don't want to wash your hands? And I'm like, I do, this is so upsetting for me. All right, so I'll tell you what, let's set Johnny Lingo aside for a second. We'll do a separate little intro for it, the C segment. And let's talk about Cypher in the snow.

Is there anything that you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Okay, can we go for worst? Characters talking about a dead child. Oh my god As we will learn in this movie and I have so many notes on this they talk about this child who is past and is no longer among the living So vitriot people are nicer about Hitler. They're just like oh the little loser will lose effect Yeah, yeah, I know he's dead because he's a loser moron Right, right he wouldn't be so dead if he weren't so fucking stupid

A lot of that in there now I also should say okay So if you went to public schools in the US and you started grade school in the late 70s or early 80s Odds are really good that you've actually seen this one. This one was apparently adopted as standard curriculum by the NEA as a movie to show first graders and that's really fucked up for reasons that we're going to get into. But I saw this movie like way back in first grade and it's kind of stayed there fucking me up ever since. So obviously I'm going to need a stiff drink before I revisit this little childhood nightmare. So we're going gonna need a stiff drink before I revisit this little childhood nightmare

So we're gonna take a quick break and when we come back we'll break down all the misguided pseudo psychology that is Cipher in the snow. So why you make Lucinda dress as a principal? With two movies so very close to good messages this week We thought we would give a shot at making some Mormon short educational films ourselves, and we wanted to share a few of our ideas with you. For example, share your cookies, or ask answer, we'll turn your friend inside out. Cooking is fun for the whole family. Human sacrifice is not.

Look both ways before you cross the street, or piranhas will eat you. I raped you because you're the prettiest. Basically the second movie. Exactly. Quick reminder, if you are a patron by the time you hear this, you'll have noticed that there's a brand new poll on Patreon for Youtovo for this month's bonus extra movie. The choices are now you see me too, Ninja Turtles 2, and the final movie in the

Matrix trilogy. So if you've been waiting for a chance to punish us with your very own personal brand of awful, you can go to patreon.com slash god awful to cast your vote and please don't choose Ninja Turtles. Please. Pretty please. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to start off on a snowy winter morning at a bus stop where all the kids are saying the word yeah a lot and play in hand slaps. Okay, that game, is that called slap hands? What is that game called? And we call it slaps when I was a kid and I just want to say I would fuck those kids up at slaps.

Well, and they're playing the fucking pussy version like I play bloody knuckles when I was a kid. We didn't fuck around when it came back. That was the kid whose dad didn't have a job He always wanted to play bloody knuckles everyone else is having a fine time playing slaps and then your Pill not taking ass would be like I want to throw a quarter in each other until we bleed. We'd be like no man No go outside and smoke even though you're 12 and you do I'm gonna fight a teacher in a year and a half

and you'll never see me again. Yeah, I know. Get out of here, Bryce. Get out of here. So that's what happens when you have a father that like Cliff does, it's Uncle Buckingham. Oh, shit. You just starts to we spend the whole podcast

Mark marining him. Hey man, we could get back to the breakdown of the movie. So, no, I mean, I get it. That sounds real tough. Whoo. It's gonna edit down. It's gonna be like 18 minutes. And we see the kid standing all by himself. Mm-hmm.

And I immediately assume as did everyone else based on their notes, he's a school shooter. He's gonna shoot up the school I Adam is alternately as Dylan Roof Eric Harris and Dylan Kleibold in my notes so yeah yeah I got him saying I'm in my notes so that makes it and all the I said in the notes was a fucking Utah weather Yeah, it's awful snowy so the bus shows up all the kids get on. This one kid who was standing by himself and not playing with the other kids gets on last. Nobody wants to sit with him, so he has to kind of sit all by himself. And so basically we're just really reinforcing

that this kid has no friends motif. Oh, and music note. Someday, Columbine will ruin the music note for this movie because it's like, done, done, done. And you're like oh man that kid that kid has his dad's gun in his coat that's why it's standing away from everyone else can't pay slaps if a 49 will fall out of your pocket that's it so also we meet who's gonna be essentially our main character here for a really bizarre away um this is Frank and he's like pulling out behind the

bus driver he's gonna be driving behind the bus driver. He's gonna be driving behind the bus that all the kids are in at this moment. And we actually hear like his thoughts where he says, just one time I'd like to beat him to the school. And there will never be a reason why we had to listen in on this guy's thoughts. There will never be a reason why we had to be introduced to him in this way or anything. Just some random shit that didn't get it at that I guess. And if you're wondering what Frank looks like, okay, here's what you need to do. Imagine some 70s bush. Now imagine the guy licking it. That's Frank. Yeah, there you go. We've had him as Alan Aldestunt double here. Bring in the stunt tongue, the stunt tongue. My Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha he stumbles to the front of the bus and he says to the bus driver says I'm sorry I got to get off and the bus driver says but you're going to school so I wrote the Eli Bosnick story.

It's true. It's true story. They had a word with my parents several times. Didn't help. And parents just found out about it. And it was. I want to say here's how fucked up this movie is like how deeply ingrained this movie is in my mind. I remembered the bus driver's accent when says, but you're going to school. And even that was like seared into my brain. Well, what's so weird is he's like, I gotta get off and the bus drivers just like, right here in the middle of this snowy valley

and the kids like, mm-hmm, and he just does. Yeah, he just lets the kid off and he starts to wander out into the snow until he drops dead. Yeah, which takes only a second. Yeah, it's like, yeah, three steps and then he's got like club foot for a second. I'm like, whoa, what's wrong with this foot? Oh, there's everything wrong with this.

Yeah, I just want to say I appreciate this movie. They did not make us wait for the dead kid here. Like Saturday's war you had to get into the third act. You had to make it through 12 songs. This movie before the title screen, Dead Kid. So again, for those keeping count, two for two on more of the movies and Dead Kid's, two for two. Throw that out there.

Throw that out there. Throw that out there. Throw that out there. Throw that out there. You know, he kind of like took two steps, but then he fell seriously, face, plant into the snow. Like this actor, you got to give props to him for committing to the part Right, I mean he just went straight face down and my note was well that snow flying everywhere or his dignity exploding out of his

Yeah, no he went for it. He went for it And I love to okay, so Frank who is driving behind jumps out of his car runs up the bus driver jumps out or whatever and the bus driver says He's dead, isn't he? I'm like, why would that be your first assumption when a kid fell down That's right where you go like can I take him in the back and fuck him now he won't feel it But then I basically say no you had which is like well I was gonna let him wander out into this frozen icy plane of Utah by himself So he's gonna die one way or the other best he just get it out of the way

Well the other thing is that is his first assumption, so that brings to me how many times has that bus driver been wrong? How many times has a kid tripped on his way to the bus and been like, and he's been like, he's dead, isn't he? No man, he's getting up. All right, just checking.

I don't know if you know this last winter, I was right about that, so I just say it now. I'm just been, he's dead, isn't he? Dude, I'm just sitting down, are you dead? You look dead. It's like he's got a deal to bring bodies to the more or something So yeah, now we get the ambulance or maybe it's the ghost busters. We're looking at it from inside So it's hard to tell yeah, it has okay now price

You are from Utah. Do they get special monotonous sirens in Utah? This was the weird always this they just didn't have the siren technology of today yet becauseonal sirens in Utah. This was the weird, oh, was this they just didn't have the siren technology of today yet? Was the sirens like, wow. He was like a tornado siren. I think it was like driven off of the motor of the ambulance because when it comes up to a stop, it goes like, I also love to. So when the ambulance shows up, all the kids are gathered around and I'm thinking no one's making any effort whatsoever to segregate the kids from the dead bodies. Come on kids, you don't get a lot of chances to see dead people in the snow.

Take good look. Gather round, watch the light fade from his eyes. That's where the soul is. Watch it go. Watch it go. You see that? That's surprise that there's nothing that comes next. Is anybody going to lick that blood off of the side of his mouth? Or is it, can I have it?

It's my dress as much. Speaking of which, by the way, did I, you guys notice like what a lazy shit the EMT was about his CPR? Like he just kind of like basically leans against his chest twice, the actor's going like, I'm not kissing the fucker, I'll lean on his chest, but I ain't kissing him. And this is just a side note, but if you look in the background when they first pan around to the crowd that's gathered around the kid, there's a bald, Louis CK with a Hitler stash in the back of the crowd. Well, I shit you not. Go back and watch. The whole crowd looks like you took acid and watched an episode of Hey Arnold on Nickelodeon. Like, there's just everyone's an upside-down cartoon version of a fruit.

A fucking terrifying. It's like you watched a Christmas story while going insane. Like fucking Medea killed her kids and then watched a Christmas story. It's basically what this movie looks like. Just everyone's glasses on top of glasses, on top of buck teeth, on top of flesh that you can see peeling away at the seams It's like fucking they live, but you're always wearing the glasses

So now I guess all the dramas off there they they hello the corpse into the ambulance and drive away And so and then we cut to the school where the principal is trying to figure out what happened and apparently no one in the school even Remember that this kid exists. They're like what the hell what's this cliff this we do we have a cliff I didn't teach him he's not my class. I don't know and this is where they can't this is a child who has just died This child is no more and they could not more is no more and they could not more be casually dismissing this child and how little fucks they give about him just like I don't know man it says you taught him did I I don't they all fucking look the same he didn't mention anything about dying did he say we can die you know honestly they're all just little flesh puppets to me I gotta be honest you know

well and it like the the principle too he was talking to the main guy Frank and he was like, Hey, can you like you know take care of go talk to the parents? Yes, the kid and he's like the he was your favorite teachers or you were his favorite teacher And he's like like I held two like who's who are we talking about? Oh the dead kid that just happened, sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of my deafening complacency about a dead child. Well, I love two that that's like, okay,

so what kind of fucked up job do you have where they can just, I know you're the math teacher and everything, but you need to go tell this kids parents. Oh, tell the kids parents. Why is this kid his day? What? And then the principal is like the boards ride my Principal god damn I can't be bothered with administrative dribble like telling some kid their parents or telling parents their kid died

Are you shitting? I've got a board. He literally says I've got a board meeting. Yeah, that is the excuse to cancel a board meeting Board meeting. Yeah, that is the excuse to cancel a board meeting Board meeting one of the kids dropped dead in the snow and great unknown and therefore possibly contagious Malady, they don't even know what he died of yet and the guys like yeah, but you know We've got some shit to approve, you know budget stuff and you know that you can handle it Frank Also, by the way once you're done telling the kids bears that he's dead Why don't you write up a quick obituary for this kid you don't remember Little obituary also do you know how to dig Too much that's too much I get it sure

It was summer maybe but yeah and then on his way out he like pats him on the shoulder Thanks for not being a little bitch about the Also, and she's gonna come up again, so I've got to introduce this character the secretary Peggy Her hair is amazing. It's like an astronaut helmet except its hair She looks like the illegitimate daughter that Mary Tyler Moore kept chained in the basement all those years She looks like the illegitimate daughter that Mary Tyler Moore kept chained in the basement all those years. She basically sat down at her hairdresser and she was like, have you ever seen a sign curve? And the girl was like, say no more. Say no more. I called her sugar boobs here. And my note was before I could picture the principal saying,

hey, you got your heels on so I could fuck you on the desk later tonight after that board meeting there Yeah, yeah sugar boobs. I'm sure as what she was called on set as well It was a it was a better time back So now we're gonna cut to Owl from happy days days, who is his recent father, and this child we are to believe died today. Right. And he has had, he has nothing to say, but how much he fucking hated that. That, that dumb fucking child, that moron, that retard that he could barely convert oxygen into CO2 Just a piece of shit child And the woman in the kitchen who says a mother is just like don't know come on your little heart on him

It's just like the market is dead and she she seems irritated like she's talking about like her favorite TV show This is how Anna reacts when I talk about Gilmore girls. I'm like, oh, I hate that fucking show. And she's like, ah, come on, you know, it's not that bad. That's how she's talking about her husband talking about her dead son who died just again, gotta say it out loud the same day. Yeah, well, right, yeah, they've learned about that

minutes ago. And first of all, okay, on the physical appearances, first of all, there are zero things this mom would not do for eight dollars and that had that i i just imagine like the jurassic park guys re constituted and the ricketer but they had to use frog dna to fill in the gaps or something yet he looks like hodor's dad and also like to know that i i got uh... he looks like uh...

uncle buck fucked philips see more hotman it's that's uh... that's pretty close No, no, I got he looks like Uncle Buck fucked Philip Seymour Hoffman. It's that's pretty close pretty close and also like so yeah But then the guys like oh he was a fucking idiot. That's probably why he's died because he was too dumb to tell us He wasn't feeling good and the mom's like come on He's not he's not he's not that dumb and that dad's like okay I'm sorry that he's dead and everything but let's not pretend he wasn't a fuck with okay and the mom's like yeah Okay, all right, okay, and then she just walks that she's dead and everything but let's not pretend he wasn't a fuck with okay and the ones like yeah okay all right okay and then she just walks that she's like all right yeah so but now to demonstrate that step dad has

to tell a story about what a dumb fuck the dead kid is yeah this random stranger that's walked in to tell him about it and it's basically and this is where I'm like okay this is anabuse movie because we see what is very clearly an incredibly destructive Emotionally abusive household where the child walks around in the snow for two hours alone To avoid his abusive stepfather and then the stepfather Screams at him on a drunken range and if you're thinking hey well the movie address how terrible that behavior is nope not really no just like oh yeah that sounds rough and the kid says you know he comes in holding a stick with

some snow on it right and uncle buck here is like you know what were you doing for the two hours out there did you shovel the walks like I fucking told you to and the kids like i fucking told you to the kids like no and and then he he smacks a stick out of his hand i'm like why didn't you just take the stick from him and beat him with it instead you can tell which one of us grew up marmin can't it's just so clear in this moment and i love to that the dad is so incredulous about the idea that someone would go for a walk for two hours. Now, his physique explains why. This very clear, this man has never been for a two-hour walk. But-

Yeah, he looks like God let Cold Stone design exactly one human. You got pounded out flat on a stone and then balled up with all the toppings inside. And apparently, dads have an beer with his beer. They didn't figure the fact that he was holding a beer was going to be enough to get the drunken stepdad thing across. So he finishes that one opens another one in this scene. Also apparently they were shooting for vampire on a bender with this kid's eye makeup. And I have to point this out too. It was like the cutout was like perfect like and then Uncle Buck is wearing the exact

same clothes. That is the shirt that that actor and that character owns. He left the house that day. Yeah, honey, I got a big part in this Mormon movie today. What are you gonna wear? I'm just taking my one shirt, my shirt, my shirt. Or maybe it's like poppiss murf, when he opens the closet, it's all just the same red pants or whatever. Exactly. I could be a-

I got my jean jacket, my jean shirt, my jeans on and my jean vest. That's it. I'm sure there was some denim undies under there somewhere. Yeah. So meanwhile back in now, the guy finishes the story and he says see what I mean dumb and I'm like okay did abusive stepdad just are we're supposed to believe abusive stepdad just told this math teacher a story about him

Abusing his steps on right After the kid died the right exactly because I wanted so badly to see how he told that story. Yeah. And then I'm like, he looks all sad. And then I'm like, you're an idiot. Fuck you. So anyways, you see how dummy was. You guys like, you know, you got to tell that story, right? You didn't have to tell the part where you had two beers and yelled at a child for being afraid of you. That was a bad story to tell. Don't tell that story. Oh, that was my eulogy. Should I change it? I ain't writing another one. I used up this whole napkin. It just says fuck that little fag. And once again, I have to point this

out. Will they ever address the abuse? No. No, it's never talked about. It's just an abusive, stepdad, and then a complacent mother that looks like Robin Wright, you know, underwood that had a bad Botox injection basics. And but the question is, is this an anti-stepdad movie? Because what our main character, the 70s porn star teams to take away from it is yeah I mean once you get married a second time that guy will always abuse your kid to death well right right Well, and then of course like the mom like storms out and she's like hey where you go and she's like I'm gonna go

Stare at my dad kid. He's like well who the fuck's gonna make my breakfast So I guess the moral of this scene is respect the dad or make your own fucking eggs Breakfast so I guess the moral of this scene is respect the dead or make your own fucking eggs By the way, that's about as close to a good message as we're gonna get in this movie and again You're like I mean respect the dead, but that whole thing around it was really upsetting So now just to underscore just how like shitty they are to this dead kid We're gonna cut over to Frank wrestling with the obituary at the office or whatever and the peggy comes in she's like well how's it coming he's like well I have that he was white yeah so here are exact quotes from this scene he never did anything or had any friends he was a real zero yep a cipher that is look the adults are describing the dead shot. I was like don't write that down

Do not write that down and I was like well they got on all they hit on all the important stuff, right? He's not black In Utah that's literally all that matters And they go through his school report and it's basically like first grade cool second grade cool third grade Fuck this kid. Yeah Because Frank's like, you know, there's just something I can't get out of my head cliff wasn't always friendless and dead And then oh and I love this okay, so he's like here look at this poem about frogs that he wrote and so they enter This is as evidence that he was completely like psychologically just fine back in the day And of course we have to get the voice over of the frog poem

Right, and the frog poem is so insipid and boring that I'm a little bit okay with this kid being dead It was real sad, but now that I know he wrote this poetry it had to happen also music note for this poem If I play this flute all of the children should follow I had for music note silent night only altered for copyright issues yes I think you know man nailed it right there so yeah so while we're listening to this kid read his poem about how he wishes he could jump high like a frog but he can't because he's white we get to see him like playing with frogs in the tree and doing frog hopping in the woods and shit.

And I have that he sure didn't jump off of that bus very well. I was a failure right up until his death. That's what a zero. So and but then Peggy I guess she hears that poem and she's like well judging by those 18 words he must have been stable and healthy at the time now like no, yeah, he must have been must have been something happened after the frog Paul that fucked him up right and then we learned that in second grade his parents got divorced and Everyone began to hate the child and he lost the ability to learn Yes, uh-huh yep Yep. Divorce makes you stupid apparently. And die. Divorce makes you stupid and die. Yeah, exactly. And again, like they didn't seem to realize

that that was an undercurrent of this movie. Right? Like ultimately this movie is supposed to be about, hey, if the kid seems like he's a little off and a little dumb, don't pick on him because he might die or whatever. But the message that they're also sending along with that is if you don't have enough friends you're gonna die. You know what this whole movie strikes me as one of those like anti-vax documentaries where they show you the baby the week before and then they show you the next week where it's crying and they're like see see like if this one if you just swapped in Wakefield being like and then in second grade he got vaccinated and cuts to the next scene and the teacher's like,

why can't you look in my eyes anymore, right? Why can't you look in my eyes anymore? That's perfect. Right, and actually that's the next scene we get. We get him, I guess this is right after the divorce or whatever we see him, like looking out the window when he's supposed to be doing his schoolwork. And this teacher comes out.

And now first of all, this teacher looks like she should be like closing the voting before the big Indian dude raises his hand to watch the world series her eyes are different colors and different sizes. She's just creepy as fuck and she's basically like Trying to tell a kid with special needs to walk it off. She looks like someone got a D on making a Madame Tussauds doll. She's just like, and there you go, fine, it's a person, go. And she's like, she's like such a bitch about it, dude. She's like, you know that you're the slowest one in class? Like who the fuck would say that to a kid?

Just be in him with the ruler already that'll make it better again the Mormon But yeah, she's like do you know you're the slowest one in class and the kid practically turns to her and goes I don't think that's helpful. All right. I think that's gonna affect the positive change. Thank you for your feedback. And he's like, she's like, well have you talked to your parents and he's like,

they won't miss and she's like, why? And he's like, they're getting a divorce and she's like, oh, your parents are getting a divorce. Never mind, I'm gonna go help a kid that matters. Yeah, right. Do do. I'm a teacher. let's show this movie to kids. Yeah Yes, he's just like oh well. There's no helping you now broken on your Unreal so meanwhile so we cut back from this flashback to Frank the mouth teacher flexing his psychological

Intuition some more and he's he's telling the secretary's like, people just live up to what we expect of them. And I'm like, okay, are you saying that people expected cliff to be dead? Is that I don't see how else to take that? Yeah. Also like what? Okay, wait a second. Just for a second, what are we supposed to assume they think killed this child? A lack of hope

Yes, yes, okay It's yeah, right we'll get to it a little bit more at the end of the of the movie But yeah, so apparently this kid died of being unloved Well, and it's like this this Mormon narrative too. Like I gotta inject why this is like Mormon so much is because it's all about the family, right? Like in the 1990s, they released this thing called the family, the family of proclamation to the world. And it's like this super family-centric thing

that if you get divorced, you know, your kids will get, you know, autism and, you know, your whole life life will be fucked up you'll lose your house and then the only person that you're gonna get married to is a drunk abusive uh... asshole mr. uncle block so so you think this is like a cautionary tale for the for the mom oh yeah absolutely that right

no that's a that's a really interesting twist yeah if you're if you're married to a good uh... man that is a priest priesthood and can bring home enough of a paycheck to survive on, deal with whatever shit you have to deal with because everybody else out there is just a drunken fuck up that will kill your kids eventually. You know what? That brings so much of this movie in the light if you look at it that way. That's what I tell Anna before she leaves the house every morning. So I'm running on that alone on that.

Just letting you know anyone else will kill your kids. You got to have you got to have a cypher this no on auto play just in case. I wave it at her on a computer as she leaves. Look, look, see the dead kid. This could be your kid. Now make me a sandwich. Which make me a sandwich Make my sandwich

So then we cut to all the kids. Okay, we got a reinforce just how much no one liked this kid So all the kids in the playground are building a snowman and little cliff wants to get in on that snowman A snowman action. So he comes up to help. Sorry, but before that he's swinging on a swing set And my notice just hang yourself from the swing set and get this movie over with the price. Oh, Blake, it was you. You are one of those bully kids on the snowman, weren't you? This is your defense.

You came all you clever bastard. You organized a pee on this show so you could tell your side. Well, shame on you, Blake. Shame on you, Bryce Black Alarmus. Shame on you. No, I'm on you. Stole Cliff's hat and put it on the snowman. I stole the hat. In 1972, yeah.

So, yeah, so all the kids are going to try to build a snowman and they won't let him play and they steal his hat and pick on him or whatever. Ha, ha. Your parents are divorced. Yeah, we're right. But I do want to say to say okay so I have to throw this out there. The one nice thing I can say about this movie, although the color balancing was terrible generally in terms of knowing where the camera goes, the cinematography was actually pretty good.

And there was this little moment here where like the kid is looking at the snowman and the snowman doesn't have a face so he gives it a face with the stuff that's in his pocket or whatever. But there's this very obvious like attempt to show the blank snowman with no expression and contrast it with the kid that they're one and the same. And I actually thought that was a fairly potent moment from the actually good decision from the cinematographer. That's the last nice thing I'll be saying. Haha, you just finding the gems in the shit. Yeah. And my note on this was oh he finally made a friend but

Crazy billionaire money I remake this short, but he just fucks the shit out of that snowman I want the snowman to see I wanted it all and with the snowman coming to life and taking revenge for him You know, yeah, mother fuckers wouldn't give me a face. Jack Frost to the Mormon edition. I also had the note, oh, the snowman is looking at him just like his eight full alcoholic step dad does. Yeah, right, right. Exactly.

And now apparently Frank, with all of his wisdom and knowledge has determined that the cause of death was low expectations mm-hmm right so so frank the math teacher has looked at a few reports from this kid and said yeah i'm pretty sure i know what killed him it was all these low expectations and shit once you was labeled you know that death was inevitable what is that what

because you know how those progress reports in third grade haunt us to this day, don't you? Well, that that just brought to mind like some image of a classroom full of kids and a teacher's like sorry Billy You got a D in the kitchen's like shit's himself and dies I mean you're gonna be the president. Oh damn it. Oh lost another one too many low expectations oh dammit lost another one too many low expectations and again look there's a good message hidden underneath here that you shouldn't write off the kid who's uh... having trouble learning because it may be something at home or you may become from coming from an abusive family

so there's like a good message buried deep in within here but the framing of it is so insane you know it's it's like you frame the monolisa with a fucking dead body like it yeah that's a nice painting and everything, but why the flesh and bones and what not around it? I'm sorry, I'm just really distracted by the Girl Scout you cut a square out of to put this painting in. Um, can we talk about that? No, I want to talk about lookers. What's she smiling about? Is it the Girl Scout you cut a square out of? I'm gonna keep coming back to that. Because again, like don't ignore kids, don't label kids, don't give up on kids,

is a great message. But that's not a good message when you've already ignored, labeled, and given up on a kid, and it's killed him in your movie. Right, especially when you're then going to show that to ignored labeled children. Right, this when you're then going to show that to ignored labeled children. Right. This is the little engine that couldn't. This is like if the book was just like this fucking train didn't make it up the hill. The little engine that self

destructive at the bottom of the fucking hill. Yeah, what a zero. That fucking train. So yeah. And then so and then Frank starts to realize, hey, maybe I didn't do enough either. So he says to pay, he's like, do you have my eighth grade report and she says yes It happens to be sitting on the pile of papers directly in front of you So how you didn't notice that it's kind of beyond me. I guess it's the same way you didn't notice the dying kid in your class So he looks at his report. He's like oh, damn it I said that he had trouble socializing as well. So now there's blood on my hands What you just have an image in your mind of that kid crawling into the window and reading his

quarterly report and just being like, you know what, fuck it, I'm just gonna die. My note for this was, how can I read these keys? So and then he's trying to make the point, he's trying to explain to Peggy how the kid died of low expectations And he says you have a kid don't you Peggy? Imagine that he was dumb and friendless in your husband abused him It's like that's a really mean way to make your point dude. Can you just use a general kid? Does it have to be her son? Imagine your kid was just a useless pile of shit and he's like oh stop it He's not though. Cut it out. He's not.

He's great. So he's like, hmm, I wonder. And then he wonders out of the room. And then we cut over to that, like late that night, I guess, the principal gets back from that very important board meeting. And Frank is still wrestling over the dead kid thing. He still hasn't gotten over. It's been hours

So the principal shows up and he's like working pretty late Frank and I wanted Frank so bad to say yeah You made me tell a fucking child's parents that he was dead and right a fucking obituary you said D sticks son of a bitch of course I'm working late Okay, but in my defense we figured out that we're not gonna move the gym defense uh... we figured out that we're not gonna move the gym uh... jenstein right where it was i think we both did a lot today that's all i'm saying you seem mad

and the principal shows up he's like we got the corners report and i wanted to show that it turns out he had a you know uh... uh... well i guess it was a little expectations i feel so much better about my eighth grade progress report and a bunch of ble bleach that day before school. But instead, he's like, yeah, corners couldn't figure it out.

His heart stopped beating. I'm like, well, that tends to happen when you die. Sort of a prerequisite. And I was like, wait, so he died of cholesterol problems, right? Doctors didn't, you know, they knew about that when this movie was made, right? I mean, it was like the 60s or 70s, come on. Yeah mid 70s. We knew all about like fucking how to ride dinosaurs and turn them into record players by then.

To be fair though, he, it actually wasn't the corner. He did make the science teacher do the coroners always because he used on his way out. He was like, hey, Dave, do you mind cutting up that kid for a second? I gotta go. So he's just standing there with the frog dissection tools being like, he's stopped. Good enough for me. Throw that zero in a hole. I need someone to take her shit later. I want to dissect his eyeball. But after this, like, I had to say, this was really impressive cinematography as well because uh... frank said that it's like he was erased and then he stands up and he starts erasing the chalkboard

right behind him yeah fucking take that eyes wide shut i i wrote uh... uh... erased little by little i guess this is the story of joe biden's vice presidency and and also i love this to, because they keep saying, like, yeah, the kid was really slow. He has an IQ of 81 or whatever. But then they were like, but his IQ was really good until we all started to hate him for having divorced parents. Like, you know, so like, just in case you're terrified as a child that you're going to

like, turn dumb, yeah, that can happen. Well, here's the crazy thing. Watching this as a kid, it must have been terrifying to have your teacher show you a movie about how your teachers if they don't like you can make you mentally handicapped and then die. Yes. This seems like a threat. This is like a movie.

Oh, like I can't imagine. She turned off the VCR and then turned to all of you and be like so Who the fuck brought an apple? I'm just saying I'll lower your IQ by 10 points. I'll lower it by 10 fucking points right here You just forgot your timestables because I don't like you. Yeah It was exactly like that only it was a beta max Well, and I was I was just amazed that the kid actually stupided to death, right? Yeah, that's, that's what happened.

He forgot how to let his heart beat apparently. And, and, and, and, and Frank is going like, I helped to murder him by being a bad teacher. I bad-teachered him to death. Make it all about you, Frank. Right. Be a base. But then the principal, at least for a second tries to be sensible is like come on Frank a lot of people are treated way worse than Cliff and they don't

die I mean what about those Thai women in my basement in in in people's basements they're never mind never mind they will use different example new subject here quick go tell some parents that their kids are dead you're our accountant now here. Quarterly reports. Also, we get this great line here. He goes, Frank says to the principals, you remember that study on babies and orphanages, to which the principal says that one study they ever did on babies and orphanages? I sure do. I sure do remember that study. You mean that the one they did in China where there's way too many kids and they can use them just like a like they study Fireflies and you know

Well, apparently because the study he's saying he's he says like yeah Well, I mean they had the one group of babies that they didn't offer any love to and then just they just gave food to and they just turn their Faces to the walls and died and I'm like did they did that did they do an experiment? We're like I wonder how many kids we can kill like this? Nobody fed these kids intravenously or anything? No, nothing? Apparently not. Apparently not.

All the 1940s, when experiments were real experiments, yeah? We had college students chalking each other's balls and orphanages full of half dead babies in the name of science. Science! Also, what was the point of that assuming that studies real and I do not know that it is but assuming that study is real What was the hypothesis that caused that experiment? I think without love you die Hey, I got a dozen babies. You want to try it? Let's fucking do it. Let's go

I believe the study was originally created by a former kickboxer that was on Marshall's show, not 100% sure. You used it in Offswitz. Exactly. And then again, an effort and a good message here, the the principle is like, well, what can we do? do and Frank's like maybe a little tension a little love and I'm like okay for just if we just saw that one line this is a good movie kind of right unfortunately there's all that stuff before it and after it too and then there was another point of amazing cinematography because here Frank closed his his breed case so it's like case close So now and and again like I said I pretty good cinematography the camera was in the right place for the funeral shot

We get cliffs coffin being lowered into the ground and then everyone leaves really fucking quickly. There's no it's just like and he's in there all right get the fuck out of here. I swear to god if I miss the early bird special at Denny's I will kill that kid again. I'll dig him up and I'll fuck the shit out of his body. 1155 I swear to god they better not cut me off on this one. It's worth 10 of that kid's lives. And this other kid walks up to him and he's like, hey, are you Mr. Collier? And he's like, fuck yourself. You go fuck yourself. And he's like, okay, I'm going to go die. And he's like, wait. hold on. Wait? Have I learned nothing? I'm not gonna let that kid die.

Hahaha. And so then we get the ending video and this is the greatest fucking line that the Frank character goes, at that moment, I resolve never to forget Cliff Evans. I'm like, you told that kid's parents that he died, you watched him die, you wrote his abit, were you in danger of forgetting that? I wanna say Clayton? Uh, it's a C. Chris?

Chris. I'll never forget Chris. Oh fuck, I'm gonna have him on my podcast and I'll- I accidentally call him Blake. I know I am. I know that I am. Alright, and I had one note in here. At one point they said it's like veiled eyes

in an alien worm world. And I'm like, first reference to it being a Mormon movie. Finally. Is that what that was? I wrote lizard people. Are we talking about lizard people? What the hell is that? I don't know exactly what it was,

but it's like an alien world. Hey, that's where we all come from from Colombs. Oh my gosh, I got. Yeah, that's where we all come from from colobps. Oh my god. Yeah, yeah So that was like oh finally the fine ending scene. We got it. It's a Mormon movie God that took forever It's basically a Batman versus Superman, but for you. You're like go see that's a reference to it From the Mormon video game that you get for the iPhone And again like one more time before the's over we call the kid a zero again Like that even in his I will never forget this kid. He will inspire me fucking

Monologue at the end. He's like buddy was a total fucking loser. Oh nobody Fucking loser the end of the overall moral I took from this is not all who wonder are Fucking idiots that deserve to die by falling off a bus into the snow Sometimes they just have a shitty stepdad Okay, and I just I want to reiterate I know we kind of touched on this along the way But like I saw this in first grade and this is such a fucked up thing to show to a kid whose dad doesn't like him And has no friends like it would have been nice to at least throw a disclaimer up there somewhere that says by the way Having no friends can't actually make you turn stupid and die like

Oh, you see exposure actually makes that a lot better. I Mean I gotta say because it's so silly looking back on it now to think that this movie actually really did fuck me up But I have a new appreciation for the people who write to us and thank us for exercising the childhood nightmares They had from thief in the night or if footman tire you or whatever this movie truly fucked me up as a kid to the point We're like it was still stuck in there when I realized what movie we were doing like I near I very nearly broke down Like it was a really emotional thing for me to revisit this movie because for so much of my life after watching this I was like oh my god I still have no friends I'm gonna die in the snow. Well and that's I'm glad that we can share that Noah because the next movie that we're gonna

review was that for me. Oh yeah and it's like I think showed this shit to kids. This is when they played in schools to describe how much your life can get fucked up if you have hateful parents and complacent teachers. What was the good moral that a small child is supposed to take away from this? How are they supposed to benefit from this in their life, right?

Well, right, I mean, I feel like, I almost understand the idea of showing this to teachers. Yeah. You know, but yeah, but playing it for the kids in the class, that's just sadistic. Yeah. Now, I don't know that I can say our next selection is more fucked up, but I also don't know

that I can say it's less fucked up. So we're gonna pause for another quick break and when we return, we're gonna add a dollop of racism to our insanity with Johnny Lingo. Frank, there's so much for coming. Well, I mean, yeah, of course, a kid died. It seems like coming to your office is the least I could do. Right, right, yeah. He said you were his favorite teacher.

Really? And that's depressing as hell because I'm terrible. No, I know, I know. Imagine my surprise as well. Yeah, well, you know, if there's anything I can do, just let me know. Well, they're glad you asked that. There is actually one thing you can do. Anything.

We need you to break the news to his parents. Why am I? Oh, I got a meeting. I don't think you can make me do this. Oh, we're also gonna need you to do the autopsy. You're, I'm sorry, what? Yeah, the regular coron gonna need you to do the autopsy. You- I'm sorry, what? Yeah, the regular coroner had a golf thing, I guess, so, you know- No, I don't know, I'm the math teacher.

Right, right, right, but you were his favorite math teacher. Dude, I couldn't possibly be less qualified for this. Ah, what's the no, he's dead. You're not gonna hurt him if you fucking up. Just hack him open, take out bits, way him or no he's dead. You're not gonna hurt him if you fucking up just hack him open take out bits way him or something You know I I oh, oh sorry last thing when you finish that up. We're gonna need you to take care of the witnesses You mean the other kids on the school bus?

What kids on the school bus know what I mean? No, I don't I don't't think that I can do any of this. All right, gotta go. Thanks Frank. Stop. Don't forget to go to the kids. Welcome back to being back to the game, cast. Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because the only way to make Eli stop watching porn. I'm still your host, Noah Luzonsen. Still joining me are Eli Bosnick and Bryce Blank and Eagle Eli Bryce sup Hey, that's that's Blake Blank and Eagle. Thank you very much. Oh, Blake Blake Bryson Eagle my bad

Get a real name you white bridge Parents just put together six first names and they were like, hey, we're in Utah, marshmallow squares No one will ever make fun of him. They all saw that movie about kids dying from being mean Well done sir trying to tell everyone that we were excited to record with you yesterday And I had to sound out your name letter by letter just going back and forth between your Facebook Just a new surprising letter each time so excited to record with B is there a G now there's an end that's a Q there's a Q in there then there's three G's and a double the title of the show notes black hell hell hell hell a cow yeah that's

what what I title this episode in our show notes is black black that's I was wondering what the fanatics were on that but yeah that would have been my guess alright so quick before we dive into this little slice of what the fuck is there anything that you guys would like to nominate Johnny Lingo for being the best at being the worst at uh... can I go with uh... and i think i'm ready to say this most racist christian movie we've got that's a big stand

i think all order i think this might be the most racist christian movie we've watched that's a big statement. I think I think this might be the most racist Christian movie we've watched It's pretty bad. It's the very least I think it's making a really tough or a really hard charge at the most sexists So well, and I would say it's probably the best at the ugly duckling right? So you know how like there there's movies or Disney cartoons to start out with this like ugly girl that doesn't feel comfortable and something happens and she's beautiful by the end? Well this movie kind of took that whole story of the ugly duckling and like cranked it up on fucking cocaine and then it's it was it's like the Holocaust of ugly duckling stories It's amazing Yeah, this is this is how Rouch V tells the ugly duckling

It's amazing. Yeah, this is, this is how Rouch V tells the ugly stuff. Well, it was so amazing about this movie is that, yeah, that's a pretty common trope that you start off with Sandra Bullock, Logan Ugly or whatever. And by the end, she looks like Sandra Bullock, except in this movie, they made no effort at all to make the chick not super, super, fucking hot at the beginning. Yeah, they just didn't show her. They just were like, they just,

like had her off screen in the, we'll get to it. But. Yeah, they just didn't show her. They just were like, they just like had her off screen in the, we'll get to it, but just like, they figured, oh, we'll just talk about how ugly she is. And then no one will notice she's not. Fuck, the few times we do show her. Yeah, but I mean, but the problem is is that even if you see just like the back, right shoulder, you can tell she's smoking fucking hot.

Right. So I had this as best at being worst at consistent accents. And I never thought anything was gonna give if footmen tire you a run for its money. But holy shit, this movie takes place on this, whatever, that Hawaiian Island or whatever. And you've got people with British accents, Chinese accents, Brooklyn accents,

it's just no consistency whatsoever. And it's the same guy with all of those accents. Right. You feel like the dialect coach for this cast was just like, all right, everybody gather around. Ungabunga. Ungabunga. Good, you're all good.

All right. Bye everybody. Where do I get my check over there? So craft services. Granola. Pineapple. All right, so we're going to start this one off in an island paradise with a little kid hiding behind a tree and watching an Outrigger canoe pair pull up and apparently that canoe is carrying the titular Johnny Lingo

Which we learn when the kid yells Johnny Lingo and runs off the lingo is coming the lingo is coming. Yeah Music note this surf party is awesome. I had, I didn't know those cowboys could surf. I had, I had this joint is fizzling. Right. No, I want to point out too, because we get the as the kids running through the jungle slash credits. We get the full title here. It's called Johnny Lingo building self-worth with others. Is that contradictory? That seems contradictory to me. Yeah, it is not the biggest problem with this movie, but it's a problem. Well, also, by the way, that's the same subtitle I used for my Circle Jerk How-To

series. So apparently I'm gonna have to rethink that. Sorry, I have to say we got like 1900 shots of this kid running through the forest through different angles right like they spent forever I mean how many shots do we need of this kid just running through a forest amazing we get it we get it he's running he's running to a place from a place to a place after seeing the lingo coming yeah so he shows up at the village and everybody's out there, you know, villageing or what not, and he yells Johnny Lingo. He come. He come. That's I'm not trying to do the racist thing. That's what the kids line is. That's what the kid says. And that's how he says it. And I said,

Mahana's gonna be saying that that he come in a minute. Eww. Ha ha. We'll get there. We'll get there. So everybody in the village is super excited that Johnny Lingo has come because apparently he's the shrewdest trader in all the land. So everybody in the village is super excited that Johnny Lingo has come, because apparently he's the shrewdest trader in all the land. Except at Filipino Judhurst does not seem to be super impressed with all this Johnny Lingo bullshit,

but everybody else is pretty excited. Yeah, I had Judhurst on a juice fast. So we're gonna meet this character, that's Mr. Harris. He's the shop owner Filipino Joe Tirst and also his assistant Tolo who is apparently the Filipino Eli Bosnick Because the first thing that we hear from this guy is like he's like a Johnny Lingo is there to find a wife And he's like well, he won't take Mahana. She has a face that looks like a stone and she looks like she missed too many meals I'm like that's pretty weak, but we could have done better, but good effort.

Good effort. I guess what we're saying is if you're trying to insult the slave you're selling off, use it through the scathing atheist, right? Yeah, we're ready for charity. Guys, come in this. And it's like, Mahana, you mean that like that disgusting little old scrawny 19 year old bitch that looks like my taint what's why would he want her it's amazing what will they also say she's not this is the exact quote she says she's not young either 19 or 20 yeah cobwebs in a vaj by now I just wrote my notes whoa rough because like this movie was not made at a time where night like they're not being reflected that's everyone in the movie is just like yeah man that's pretty old 19 is 20 well it's again this was made by byu so that is pretty old made in the Mormon world it must have been his first wife too because they didn't talk about you know him coming through

with all of the prices that he's paid for all his other wives and yeah this is his first yeah exactly and it's like the most depressing and involved version of like a male order bride process ever. Like he has to go to the island and he has to go pick her up and pick her out of a line of a bunch of other women and you know, bring all these cows with him to pay for. Like, God, I can't imagine.

Just phone Russia already. You'll get one in a box sent to your door exactly it's like the pony express of mail order bryde's here uh... so yeah so we're supposed to get from this thing though is that johnny lingo could have any wife that he wants but apparently he wants mahana even though no one can imagine why anyone would want to fuck mahana we should also probably touch on johnd Hirsch's relationship with his assistant, because it's real fucking bad. He basically turns to, and he's like,

oh, Mr. Harris, you want me? Go bring hard craws? And he's like, are you gonna fall asleep with a big old piece of straw on your mouth? Oh, I would never do that in my own law. And you're just like, first of all, you're so many racist accents. You're so, I just pick one so I can focus and be upset. But there's just so many. Someone was just like, whatever racist you've got,

I want it all in this character. But basically, the white guy's like, look, I know I'm not going to get any work out of you because You're a darky so why don't you go go to the slave giving away Contestor whatever it is you want to watch and then come back here and work for a penny a day and he's like oh, thank you so much And his entire job is sweeping yeah sweeping. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. Off like every single shot, he's got a broom and he's just sweeping the non-existent dirt off of whatever

shack that this this Harris guy is running. I can't figure it out. Yeah. Yeah. And his hair is white again. Is he white or because he has like a sort of like Chinese slash Maui accent, but you know, he still has like lighter skin than everybody in a white beard. Like, I can't figure it out. He's, it doesn't make any sense. No, he's the one who like employs the other people in his intelligence. So clearly he's the white guy in this movie.

Um, so let me come over to Mahana. Um, and we're going to meet, first we're going to meet Mahana's dad who is wearing tit high pants. Yeah, he's just come from a toga party at a fraternity we can assume yeah exactly exactly but he wanted the beads i guess uh... and now this guy okay so we're apparently that dumb bitch moana doesn't want to be sold so she's off hiding somewhere so we're talking about how ugly she is now the dad looks like a stage 2 bond villain.

His face is covered in burns. Yeah. Why is the actor's face covered in what appears to be a perfect circle of burns? Someone very clear he was like, huh, this horseshoe looks red hot. Let me get it real close to my- AHHHH! Ha ha ha! He looks like someone blast furnace to toilet seat while he was holding it to his face. Ha ha ha ha ha! It's just a perfect rim of burns. And I'm not gonna say that someone just because they got, you know, toilet seat blast furnace can't be an actor, but maybe you don't cast that guy as the one to talk about how ugly everyone else is. Yeah, but usually it's like with Kevin Spacey,

like they do the makeup to make him have burns. Like they didn't even try to cover up this guy's burns. They were just like, no, wearing him loud and proud. Go ahead and ask about the burns. We don't know. We don't give a fuck. So, and we've got to, like, the movie's already touched on this.

I guess we got it well on this for a second. So what's going on here is Johnny Lingo has shown up Not to choose a wife but to buy a wife Yeah to purchase a human being for some number of cows and apparently dad is so desperate to get out from under Mahana that he's willing to give Johnny Lingo 50 shackles just a vapor. Yeah, and that he's willing to give Johnny Lingo 50 shuckles just to rape her. Yeah. And I, I should point out here, in case you're thinking there's a tiny bit of good

to this movie and that Mahana doesn't want to be sold because being sold is bad. No, Mahana is hiding in the woods because she thinks Johnny Lingo is going to offer two little money for her. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. And there, everybody around is like talking about this. They're like, one, at one point a guy says, oh, Mahana, she's not even worth a three-legged cow. And you're like, that's the message that we're

getting across now is like how much these women are worth. It's not the fact that, oh, we're buying, this is human trafficking glorified because it's on a Hawaiian island. No, we're talking about the worth of this woman being less than a full cow. Right, right. The message of this movie is not don't sell humans. It's like don't underpay for them. Exactly. Spoiler alert. The message of this movie will not turn out to be don't sell humans. No. The message of this movie will be overpay for humans and they'll feel great about And then they can tell all of their friends how much that they were paid for and it makes them feel good about themselves Yeah, yeah, and this is the first time I wrote in my notes because you see so like Mahana is hiding up in a tree

And again so that you don't see how incredibly hot she is they're hiding her behind branches and bushes and stuff but it's not enough like my first known on her is mahana is not just a little hot as a matter of fact i looked at some trivia and there's apparently she's like miss hawaii something or whatever holy shit they cast this beauty pageant winner as the ugly chick yeah also none of the actors can agree on how her name is pronounced she's mahana manana manana all kind of shit before it's over.

Malaka, laka, lala, lala. Yeah, blocka, laka, laka. Exactly. Her dad is threatening to hit her with a stick if she doesn't come down from the tree so he can sell her. And the music note I have for this sequence is, nobody will catch me. I'm the sexiest mouse. And apparently this is like a big deal on this island, you know when a human being is being sold into bondage

Everyone wants to gather around and see well and and it's amazing because the dad is like he talks about how hard He has it because his daughter mahana is so fucking ugly, right? He's like he's talking to his his counselor or his buddy and he's like, you just don't know what it's like. You paid five cows for your wife, you know, you made a good investment, but you know, you don't know what it's like to have a really shitty ugly daughter that you can't even, you know, pay somebody to take off of your hands. And he says, I only paid two cows for my wife. That's why she gave me this fucking ugly daughter. And everyone's just like, yeah, man, that's a good point.

We're never going to acknowledge this behavior. And Johnny Lingo shows up. Right. Right. So yeah, so Johnny Lingo shows up to do the bargaining or whatever and they're like, well, where's Mahana? And of course, they can't tell her like she's hiding because she doesn't think she's worth more than two cows

or whatever. So they're like, oh, she's sewing's worth more than two cows or whatever. So they're like oh she's Sewing sexy lingerie for her husband or something. She's masturbating with lesbians. I you know or what ever So now wait we do have to touch on something that is fantastic about this movie because there's not a lot of good things about this movie Oh, no, but Johnny Lingo is a fine, fine cut of meat. Oh my god. Yes. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. It looks like someone, it looks like someone made a wish that you old Brenner would come back to life, but they poured bronzer into the genie's lamp. He is just a sweet, sweet hunk of flesh. He can lingo my Johnny any time he wants. I would have paid at least a few squirrels

that have him fuck me. That's how gorgeous it is. Yeah, how many cows for Johnny Lingo? He does look like he should be crossing the rubicon at some point in this movie, but yeah, good looking dude. Good looking dude. So he shows up, they all gather around on the mats together all of the people around are

talking about how few cows, Mahana's worth and by the way like Mahana's the only not grossly overweight woman that we're gonna see in this entire well with one exception. Like all the other women are just gigantic and you know they feel good about themselves that's great or whatever but the two fat chicks can't be sitting around talking to this about the skinny chick going like I was worth three cows I was worth four cows. She's not any worth any cows, right? You are a cow and it's like these women were like Yeah, I was a four-cow wife because I was sold for four cows and then I ate them on my honeymoon night They determine how many cows you're worth by how many you can swallow. Well, and then you see like you see the exact message that the movie is trying to get across

because you have one woman that was like, oh, I'm a four-cow wife. And then this other lady was like, well, my husband paid five cows for me. Bitch. And the first woman shoots herself in the head. Yeah, she goes, dies in the snow somewhere. Yeah, exactly. She wonders out of frame and there's just suddenly snow on the white island. She takes the dice. Oh, where's that billionaire remake crazy billionaire? Yeah, a little crossover movie between the two. Smash up. Yes, it'd be perfect. So now that it's time to start the bidding and he uh... mahanas dad has to start with the opening bid and every week up to the peanut gallery and they're all going if he goes

over one cow he's crazy one cow she's not worth one cow she's only worth the horns in the hopes for whatever and so mahanas dad starts the bidding at three cows and everyone laughs like a naked in high school dream, you know. I expected Mahana to go like they're all gonna laugh at you, get psychic power, start throwing huts around to people, better movie than we get. However, Johnny Lingo, who's the shrewdest trader in all the land, which we've learned like 11 times by now, says three cows isn't enough, he will pay eight cows from a hot.

Oh eight cows. Drop that fucking mic. The crowd goes wild. Oh my god. And the music reacts like he says I was the killer all along. Yeah right right. Yeah. And then my music notice a decapitated head is being zoomed in on really quickly. Right. And like everybody's just like looking around like what the fuck just happened? Like he paid eight cows for that bony, fuggly mouse woman standing over there behind the trees. Like who's yankin, who's dick here? Like who got fucked and how bad?

What just now happened? But the fucked up thing though is that they're all freaking out, but not because a human being was just sold for cows. Not because of human beings being sold, just how many cows she was sold for. These people are having a black people who have seen a magic trick reaction to the fact that someone's being sold for eight cows.

And I have to say, like, okay, I'm a car nerd, like I love cars, right? And it's always been my dream to just walk into a like super sweet car dealership and just drop a brief case Full of cash on it and just say hey no paperwork Give me the keys to that one. I'm driving it off the lot right now I'm like that's my dream and that's what Johnny Lingo just did with a wife Mm-hmm with a woman. He just bought the human that way. Yeah, it's funny I've also had that dream, but it's been with a human so it's this just bought the human that way yeah yeah it's funny I've also had

that dream but it's been with a human so it's this movie was very cathartic for me I was to walk in with a briefcase full of cows and just be like boom eight cows in that briefcase see I was I was the other way around I had that fantasy about trading a certain number of women for a cow I it's but we've all more or less been there. So, so now we, we head back to Mr. Harris' shop where Tolo has to tell him that she got that Johnny legal paid eight cows for this human being. And again, everyone's really freaked out, but not because of slavery. And that's when Johnny Lingo shows up to explain to Mr. Harris that he brought him a very, very rare shell

uh... now those are very rare when you live on an island yes shall and he goes he goes what do you want for it i wrote my notes i want to marry you ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Mr. Harrison is arms him and Mahana just make a sex sandwich. I'd watch that if you think I wouldn't watch that Pono and wear out the tape you don't know me. You're not the listeners I know and love. But what he actually wants is a Mirror to give Mahana. Well, and hang on just just back a second he says like how valuable is the shell and Johnny Lingo was like it's like so valuable you know it's like the most valuable shell that there ever was like i have all the best shells and i was working with this guy and we found these shells and they were so hard to find like he doesn't even like know what the shell is or anything but he's just like oh okay then he's the Donald Trump of cell cell salesman he's just like look my shells a fantastic shell the fantastic everybody loves them right I'm a very successful shale shale shale man I'm a very successful shale salesman and I'm gonna make a deal with

this shell and then and then mr. Harris was like no no no I can't I I'm not okay with that and then lingo does the bullshit bargaining trick of like the you're missing out walk away thing and then mr. Harris is like oh no wait wait wait hang on hang on let's see what I can do for you yeah right right so now when we suddenly realize that this is a fucking he sells she sells by the c-shore turned into a goddamn movie he ultimately trades the fucking show and he wants to buy a mirror from a hana with it but he wants it to be a nicer mirror than mr. Harris has which really pisses him off is it when you talk about my mirrors man come on give me give me a fucking break but no he wants a gold mirror with a handle and yada yada yada

and a strap on the back of it so he can put it on his head just so Mahana knows what it looks like to fuck her, right? I was thinking the other way around, he's like Eli said, he's a pretty good looking guy. But yeah, but we also learn in this moment that he's very proud that everyone has already heard how much he paid for his wife. So apparently this is just like, he has like dropping money on rims. There's no reason for it except for everyone to see that you paid a lot of money. Well, and it's like, he's like, all this time they've been building it up, like he's the cutthroat son of a bitch walking around town, right? And he's, but why did he pay so much

for like a Hawaiian Megan Kelly with a stomach worm? Like, I don't get it. It will, it will figure out why. All right. So, and again, now, once again, we go back to Mahan and she doesn't want to come out. And it's not because she doesn't want to be sold into sex slavery. It's because she doesn't think he's really going to show up with the eight cows. Yeah. Right. And her dad is like, if Lingo would have just raped you in front of me and then spit in my face

and then taken you away, I could die a happy man. Right? Like he's doing whatever he can do to offload this ugly whore of a daughter of his. And she's really convinced that he's only gonna bring like a cow and a half and be like, look, take it or leave him. Ah, fine. But sure enough, comes wandering through the jungle not just one cow but all eight cows and he comes wandering out and he's making this weird noise he's like wow wow he's just like slapping the cows as they go it's fucking not also okay I got a point that when we last saw Johnny Lingo showing up on the island

he was in an outrigger canoe. How the fuck did he get eight? He had eight cows in his canoe with them. They swim alongside. It makes no sense. It's like a logic puzzle. He can bring one of the cows, but not the fox. And it's the whole thing. You have to figure it out. So I had to look so long for him to get there, I guess. Now he just went to somebody. Is some other like rich cow owner guy on the island? I was like, I have another shell here. It's the best shell.

It's going to be worth eight cows. Just give me eight cows. And I'll give you this awesome shell. It's the best shell. I wanted a mirror for his eight cows. I it all makes sense now. Yeah. And then he's going to trade Mahana for a shell later on and and just keeps going.

I see. So now he shows now. So now Johnny gets his wife and we have this like reaching into the room and grabbing her hand and I'm like, don't forget to get a receipt, dude. Get a receipt. Anything else I can get you today? I've got a son. I don't know if you're into that as well, but you've got a couple of chickens I can give you a hand. No?

All right, fine. Would you like a bag, paper, or plastic? He just like puts a paper bag over her head. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha going to turn your body into a single tunnel from your mouth to your asshole. Just wait. You're going to be a one woman human centipede. Come on, I paid for you. Get on the canoe. It's time for a wedding celebration. Yeah.

So we cut over the wedding celebration and I just wrote my notes. I would pay a lot of cows for that lead dancer. I mean, I'm not, it's their costume. It's their culture. I don't want to judge it. I'm just being respectful, right? Razor, Razor gets it. Excuse me for not being racist now. I'm gonna pay cows for a human

So I guess and then all that we get you know she's she's hanging out Johnny Lingo needs to go Take a squirt or whatever and um while he's gone, all the little village kids sneak up to say a mean poem about how Mahana's not worth eight cows and she starts crying again, not because she's being sold as property. Because they said a mean poem. And I would pay anything to watch the creative meeting of those kids as they write that mean poem.

Like they're all sitting around and it's like, come on guys, we need to do this. We're really trying to get this together. Okay, not worth eight. She's gonna be late. God, I'm not getting this one. I'm not getting, we need Chinese food. We need Chinese food.

Let's get back to this. It's a bunch of nine year olds sitting around, smoking pot. Why do pogs even do to ride, man? You know what I'm saying? We should start a bad start a fucking bad. Alright, Mahana wishes she could jump high like a frog. Damn it. Damn it. God damn it. Not the other movie. And I said that those these kids must have come from a one cow mother because they're just a bunch of horrible ugly little kids, right?

I don't know how you calculate the value of children but I'm proud. I'm very proud. So then Mr. Harris shows up looking like he should be hunting King Kong or Johnny Lingo. Like I expected it to be like Johnny Lingo. I have that mirror if you can survive for the next 24 hours. Right. Yeah, exactly.

I wrote Mr. Harris doesn't always drink beer but when he does he drinks Tosekies. if you can survive for the next twenty four hours right yeah exactly i wrote mister her is doesn't always drink beer but when he does he drinks those equis haha so it and i guess he's come to congratulate the newly wedged but it's too late they're off fucking i would assume it was so weird to be because when hit mister her is walks up to uh... to uh... mahan is dad he's like where are they and he points to where they are

and it looks like he does it with the dildo in his hand like go back and watch this it looks like you this dude has a dildo and he points to where they are it with like where they are with mr. Harris it's unbelievable i was like what is he gonna use that for is he eating off of that what is what is that gonna come up i gotta say it's gonna take a lot more than the promise of a dildo to make me watch this again. But yeah, so they're paddling off to Honeymoon Island or whatever, my music note here is,

an anthropomorphized animal is putting its kids to bed. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha learn what eight cow wives have to do to earn those cows. It's like, yeah, don't cry when those kids are making fun of you. You're gonna need those tears later. Tears are the best loop. So. So now apparently it's much later. They don't even give us a title screen like a three months later or whatever. We're just supposed to catch up. And I guess they're back from their honeymoon and Mr. Harris is going to go deliver that mirror he got for him.

But not before we get some more racism because what's his name is still sleeping and he's like now when I leave don't you go to sleep in here and he's like oh you know I'm gonna mass the soul and you're just like again I don't know what your accent is, but it's upsetting. It's upsetting. So yeah, he leaves the lazy native in his loincloth to fall asleep behind the counter as he goes to deliver Johnny Lingo the mirror he bought. Yeah. And so when he's showing up at Johnny Lingo's house the first thing we see is Mahana's dad storm it away yelling at him. He like, you cheat me. She worth 10 cows. And again, those are the actual lines. I'm not just leaving out all the fucking apostrophe as they did it.

And as he's storming off, I'm like, oh, I knew that somebody got fucked in that a cow deal. I knew that somebody had to. That's what happened. Yeah. The father got fucked. I got it. Judging by the look of dad, I'm sure those cows probably got it too.

And I said, the mirror is perfect when Johnny Lingo I got it judging by the look of dad. I'm sure those cows probably got it And I said the mirror is perfect when Johnny Lingo like picks it up and looks at it It's perfect. It's gonna fit right in there. I can't wait Mahana start stretching Right and then she's like and she's like you give me such a good gift But I have nothing to give you and I'm like, yeah, your gift to me can be seen by whoever does your next pap smear. Yeah, I wrote, your gift to me is dat. Ah!

But yeah, so she walks out, like we haven't seen her yet, and this is the big reveal. She walks out and not only is she gorgeous, which we knew before, but we're actually allowed to see her with the camera, but she speaks English with no accent. Yeah, that changed. You give a woman enough cows

and she learns a Midwestern dialect. And the fuzzy edge filter on the camera. Oh, that turned it up a notch. I was like, loobin' up ready to go. Finally, we got something good to go off of here. And Johnny Lingo says such, again, it's such so close to a nice message. He says I have loved her ever since we were children. She has always been beautiful. And I was just like that's such a nice thing to say about someone you have been bought. You have been purchased.

What a lovely thing to say about someone who's not in essence a slave who you raped right i mean okay first of all like this whole like oh wow now she's gorgeous things like that's because she's not hiding behind a tree but the other thing is this the message that he's trying to send here he's like just think about how much self-esteem you give a person when you say their value is equivalent to some number of cows. How did this not get nixed at the fucking meeting? How did this not? How did somebody not say, you know what?

Why don't we just make it that like she decided to marry him or something else? No, it's got to be bought for cows. Well, because they pulled in some terrified Mormon woman who was on her 17th baby and was just excited not to be pushing something out of her vagina. And they were like, hey, Helen, in between baking, do you think this is bad? And she was like, if someone doesn't make me have a baby, I'll say whatever you want.

It's great. I love this movie. Is anyone in this movie pregnant? And they were like, no, she was like, great. Yeah, it's a great movie. It's a great movie. Are they making a marshmallow square or having to ostracize their gay son? No, it's a fucking masterpiece

I'll take it. So best Mormon movie of all time. See women like it But it's you're right. It's so close to a good message I mean, Lingo is even like, you know, trying to empathize right? He's like think of what it must feel like to be a woman and to be bargained for. And it's like so, so close to being a good message, but no. And he says many things can happen to make a woman beautiful. And what he's talking about is the feeling of self-worth, which again is a really important and useful and good message if it's not about your sex slave. Well, because, look, by inherently, okay, in the term self-worth,

there's an implication that you're not worth a number of cows. I mean, that's what self-worth is. It's like, self-worth something regardless of that. But no, his message is, I wanted her to be an eight cow woman. And I mean, that sounds kind of sexy, but that's not how they mean it. Yeah. Yeah.

Right. Anyway, very bizarre effort at a good message. Right. And it's like, okay, so Johnny Lingo wasn't a vain asshole for his own reasons. He was just a conniving vain asshole instead. He just put a little bit more thought into it, right? Right. Good on him.

Good on him. Apparently, yeah, exactly. So yeah, no, and I think, if I'm not mistaken, the moral of this story seems to be overtiped the ugly strip. I don't get it. I don't know the story. Overtiped the ugly strip. Yeah.

That's what this movie for children is. And I think it's a little bit more utilitarian than that, right? Like, you know, Johnny Lingles, like, I wanted her to be an eight cow woman, so I could And I think I think it's a little bit more utilitarian than that right like You know Johnny Lingles like I wanted her to be an eight cow woman So I could stand fucking her and he's like, you know If you ever fucked a one yeah like a one cow wife Mr. Harris they cry way too much am I right now? I can like fit almost eight cows in all of her various orifices. That's what I wanted her for Why I needed all eight cows. That's...

So, and that's how the movie ends. Basically, the movie ends with them looking at how hot she is. And again, like, even if you set aside the eight cow woman thing, the fact that they're bargaining with her for cows, just the simple fact that it's like, oh, she's ugly, she's ugly, she's ugly. Oh, now she's pretty and everything's okay that's still a pretty fucked up message oh even if you take the slavery part of it out it's still a bad effort at a good message haha alright so you guys ready for the most fucked up thing about this movie apparently it was remade into a feature length movie in 2003. Oh, I was looking up trying to find some trivia on IMDB and apparently in 2003 the movie The Legend of Johnny Lingo came out, I double checked and like it's got like a

cast listing for young Mahana and grown up Mahana and everything. So I think that that movie was just so inspiring to some Mormons that they said, yeah, we got to do 90 minutes on this. We were like, I want more of this story. Let's do it. This is what happens when we give them an entire state people. It should have been Israel. The church finally came in with the crazy billionaire money

and was like, how fucked up is this movie? Let's just try to make it even more fucked up and feature a length. We're going full-tiled on this motherfucker. Let's do it again. All right, so now of course normally we try to avoid like numeric ratings and stuff but I feel like with this movie it's just there's just no way around it. So rather than asking you how many stars you'd give it or how you would orient your thumb and rel in relation to it, I have to ask how many cows would you give this movie. you give this movie. Okay, so hear me out. I would give this movie 12 cows. Oh, shit. Because according to the movie itself, if I gave it more cows, it would become a better movie. How many cows to turn this into clockwork? That's my question. Like how many cows do

I pay for this movie until I watch a movie made not for monsters. If you told me all of Hitler's plans were based on this movie, I'd be like, mm-hmm, I get it. Oh, God. I love it. We took this entire fucking episode to go, Godwin here, though. That's good. That's good. Well, I have to say, from my perspective, I didn't take that tack with it. I'm much more sinister when I think about buying movies to determine their worth. So I'm like, this is probably about three really, really bloody hamburgers.

Not even a full cow, not even a full rump roast just hamburgers with like whims in them. Wow. Gangraped by a bunch of Hawaiian hobos. So. Oh, the hamburgers were gangraped. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. There are three. Now walk me through that because they now implies non consent. I want to know how do you know you're raping a hamburger. Take me there.

The three hamburgers are sitting out there, right? First of all, how were the hamburgers dressed? I'm just being skeptical. I just wanted to look. I'm just trying to get to the truth of this. I'm saying five minutes in a Hawaiian hobo's life shouldn't ruin the rest of it. Am I right? Who's with me? Well, talking about just the mechanics of it, you could kind of roll it around. You know, it made me... No, no, they were probably fucked before they were separated out into the separate three hamburgers, right? It was just this big pile of ground meat that had a bunch of worms in it and that's when the raping happened. And then someone formed that comfield pile of beef into hamburgers?

Yes, exactly. I want to meet that guy. I want to meet the guy who sees the comfield beef and turns it into burgers You know what we could make some burgers out of this. We don't have to waste this We could the worms are gonna die when we cook it guys You cook out all of the hobo diseases anyway Exactly what Bryce is saying is and Bryce tell me if I'm representing you incorrectly what Bryce is saying is eat your rape victims Am I right? Am I right? Anyways, it's called the Nomad Mormonism podcast or whatever Yeah, he's got he's got your name dead on name of your show dead on very good very good Eli. I'm not the host

As your job, Jimmy. All right. Well Bryce I can't thank you enough for hanging out with us today and trying to decipher all the Mormon lingo in these movies. I gotta say just because they were short didn't mean they were easy. So well done, sir. Congratulations. You made it to the finish line. Thank you. I would say, you know, thanks for having me on, but, you know, I don't like to thank people

that hurt me this much. So I'll just say it was, it was fun, but it was like, you know, it was like trying to stand up inside of an iron maiden while being like stumbling over drunk, right? Mm-hmm. And then after watching the first one, it was like, you know, that was like 25 minutes of absolute torture. And then saying, hey, fuck it, I had so much fun with the first one. Let's just go back into that iron maiden and try it again, yay! All I'm saying, dude, is you should have held out for more cows. I offered you one cow to do it, you said yes, you could have held out, you would have had a lot more fun and you would have been better looking by the end of it.

I'm not trying to tell you how to do your job, just throwing it out there now. I'm a cheap date, cheap date right here. Yes. Yeah, three bloody hamburgers, although I had no idea you knew what was in them. So if our listeners want to hear more from you, where should they go? Well, they can find me a couple of places. I host the Naked Mormonism podcast, which is just called the serial Mormon history podcast. Of course, episode one starts with the birth of Joseph Smith, and then it goes on from

there. It's been running for about a year and a half. Lots of hours of Mormon history there. I kind of try and do it like an old-style radio broadcasting entertainment type of thing, right? You just kind of follow the storyline of these characters as they develop through a given set of time. So, it's a lot of fun. That's the best place to find me.

Naked Mormonism podcast, iTunes Stitcher, all of those good places, Facebook and Twitter. I also run the Glassbox Podcast, the secondary podcast, as well as I'm currently in the process of writing a book that is a deconstruction of the Book of Mormon. And that's hosted on realbookamormon.org where every two weeks I release more and more chapters of that. So lots of places, just just Google last name, Black of Acacolidate and you'll find me some. Just go, just hit your head close to where the B and the LR and the other thing that comes up on Google.

That's what I've found. And I've got to say to the audience here, no matter how fucked up you think the history of the Mormon churches, it is more fucked up than that. Like naked Mormonism comes highly recommended for anybody who wants to see the darkest depths of American religious bat sheddery. And of course, we'll have naked Mormonism as well as the other links that Bryce mentioned, linked on the show notes for this episode. Bryce, thanks again for your time, bro. Thank you. And I just would also show send people over to the more of a And while that doesn't for our review a cipher in the snow and Johnny Lingo, that's not gonna do it for the episode just yet Because we still need to get y'all titillated for next week so Eli tell us what's on deck?

The Book of Mormon volume one the journey. Oh, this looks fun So I watched the trailer for this on YouTube This is the gayest thing I've ever been it i don't mean it in bad way i just mean that it's a lot of shirtless men holding each other down using nothing but the force of their strong strong petorial muscles it looks like if this doesn't turn out to be gay porn i'm disappointed that's what i'm saying it was it super homo erotic preview there i gotta say that there was a lot of shirtless neophy i need five was looking pretty good looking pretty hot yeah and i i'm pretty

sure now this is a two thousand three movie and and it used basically real actors like all the people have i am db pages and and and you know they've been bit roles in other movies and stuff so i'm really excited also they got some pretty spot on special effects to yeah this is also our first dive into true more man crazy cuz right the other one we got a little bit of pre-come heaven and this one we got a look how fucked up our culture is but we're diving into the mythology next week and i gotta say i'm excited to see how deep this rabbit hole goes yeah yeah no shit because if I'm not mistaken during the preview we see them on the beach building the submarines. Really sure that's what we were seeing I can't fucking wait. So with all that to look forward to we'll bring episode 43 to a merciful clothes one more big thanks to Bryce Blanken Eagle for suffering alongside us. Obviously I need to give a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors

that help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful and thereby earn early access to every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this, show be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating atheist and the skepticrat available on iTunes, Stitcher and wherever else podcasts live.

If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodawfulMoviesatgmail.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of Evil Drafts on Mars and was used with permission. If you like what you hear, hear more by following links on the show notes for this episode. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen Wright and Eli Bosnick. I'm No Illusions promising to work hard to earn another chunk next week until then we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Booooow! Booooow! Fuck you Heath for not watching these movies.

Johnny Lingo wrestled naked men while covered in olive oil. It's just impossible to believe otherwise. The coroner's report very clearly said Cliff died of AIDS. AIDS. AIDS. W-W-W-O-M-A! I gotta say something so that the last word in this episode isn't AIDS. AIDS. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Thank you.