God Awful Movies - 431: Journey to Bethlehem

Episode Date: November 21, 2023

This week, the guys team up for an atheist review of Journey to Bethlehem, the story of people deciding that the so-called "greatest story ever told" could use a little spicing up. And some musical numbers. --- Get your donation in for Vulgarity for Charity! https://www.modestneeds.org/ --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

Yeah, right. Here's the thing. If I got impregnated by God, I wouldn't be strategizing. I would be worried. Yeah, I would just be I'd be a dick about everything. I just want to be dancing around walking right up. I'm insulting your way in point. You might belly button at him. I'm hey, hey, you want a laser blast from this? Because you're gonna get a pull on God laser blast. You don't get the fuck out of my way. Or you won't, but something else will go good for you. It doesn't matter. I win.

Right, you go. Run! Not awful. Movie. Movie. OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE back. We've got a musical. I'm excited. And sitting 900 miles to my northeast. Oh, actually, yeah, he's 900 miles from my northeast, too. Whoops. Is my bad friend Eli Bostic. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? That's right. No illusions. Heath and I are in the same room gazing lovingly into each other's microphone. Yeahies. Yes. Oh, okay.

Oh, my God. Yeah. So I did not expect you to say eyes. All the shenanigans of a live show with no audience to benefit from it. Right. And we unable to say stop doing that. Well, I guess I can still say it. You can say it whenever you want.

Saying it about it. Stop the motion is ocean. Yeah, there's no nipples involved. I'm doing a bunch of bits. There's more than nipples involved. Oh, I'm not a lot down slur other people in this building. Yeah, bam. So tell us he's what we've been breaking down today.

We watched Journey to Bethlehem. It's the story of Antonio Benderis. I think just stumbling onto a movie set during a drugbender and stealing the show by accident. Also the fucking Virgin Bertha. There's a Virgin Bertha in there somewhere, but mostly it was just Antonio Benderis chewing fucking scenery. So good. That's the best. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love the story of the baby Jesus, but you love high school musical, the musical more, you will love this movie. It's the story of the birth of Christ as heard through the rehearsal room walls at LaGuardia

high school. Yeah, sure the hell was. And of course, this was the theatrical release that brought out only the best people to theaters on a Thursday afternoon. I'm just going to go ahead and say it. Also true of the evening in Northern New Jersey. Oh, yeah, it was heat on a Thursday. And I and a very upset couple who were trying to have a lovely date.

They were unironically watching this delightful, crystal musical film. They're good friend Jesus. And nobody would be laughing during it. All right. So I got even worse. I had three older women that were very clearly offended at the blasphemy of this film. Oh, nice. They came and expected something much more respectful of Jesus. And this just wasn't it. So to be fair, this was not respectfully. No, it was not. Yeah, right.

Right. No, it was just this weird like spectrum of hating the movie going from my end of the theater to theirs. A little horseshoe thing happening. After K pod afterwards, it was weird. Yeah. And is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best of be the worst at?

Yeah, I'm going to go with best worst evil. I'm going to call it Bluetooth. Yeah, Bluetooth near piece of ancient Israel ancient Judea. Oh, yeah. Okay. All right. All right. The prince has this thing on and it's clearly one of those like I got the successory

and he's trying to make you notice it the whole time. Yep. And finally somebody's like, oh, what is that? Like you've been angry at me this whole time. Take care of the whole time. You have something on your ear. And he's like, and then he like, he's dismissive about it. Like you're an asshole for noticing. Finally, this little thing. Oh, that is. Yes, that, that very large thing on your ear. It was a gift.

I was my close personal friend. I'm shell spiraling out of the side of your. It's so big. It's beautiful. I want one to be fair. Oh, sure. Yeah. No, it looked awesome. So I'm going to say, okay, Antonio Benderes was great in this movie because Antonio Benderes was the only actor in this movie.

So I'm going with best words trying to pass a bunch of singers off as actors. Yeah. Right. I think that the chick-to-played Mary was a legitimate actor. Antonio Benderes was a legitimate actor and Tony O. Ben Deris was a legitimate actor. Everybody else was hired because they had a great baritone or whatever. And they're like, you can act too, right? And they're like, how hard can it be? Can I act? I used to be, but you're stand there too. I used to be a toy soldier at FAO Schwartz. And I'm not a toy soldier in the left.

So that's acting very narrow cast on that joke, but our forward. No, we're going to love it. It's fine for us. Also, that guy might be a toy soldier. But he's not at a fail. Not clear. I'm going to go with best worst. Sure, we can add that to God's origin story. Why?

This movie is wildly wrong about a lot of God's origin story. The three of us are offended at the extent to which they changed the God story. Yeah. And they added a lot of unnecessary controversy to their God, right? This would be like if Muslims were like, we made this movie about Muhammad and it's got that time he shot himself real bad. And we had that bad kabab. Sure.

Like that needs to be first and foremost in the Hadith before you just go ahead and swing for the fences with it. And look, this isn't like fuck it around with the Batman cannon or anything. It's the birth of your God. Right. To be clear, we're like two old ladies away from the death penalty being the punishment for this movie.

Yeah, right. Right. Do you remember how mad Eli was during Batman V Superman about the cannon of Batman being messed up? Watching him watch this. He kept getting actually mad about like, that's not in scripture. He didn't go for real time. He's not mad about it.

Yeah. No, that's the three old ladies in front of me, the whole fucking time. All right. Well, tell you what, we've got a bounce in our step in a song in our hearts. So we're going to keep the break brief when we come back. We'll dive into all the creative license that is, Journey to Bethlehem. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. And then on Boxing Day,

it's important you don't mention ants or ants to grandma. Why? I don't have time to go into the story. Hey guys, whatcha doin'? Oh hey, I'm just prepping Noah to see my family for Christmas. There's a lot of dynamics and drama to keep track of. That's true, This time of year can be a lot. And it's natural to feel some sadness or anxiety about it, but adding something new and positive to your life can counteract some of those

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Find your bright spot this season with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash awful today to get 10% off your first month. That's better H-E-L-P dot com slash awful. All right, he thinks. Maybe I'll have some new tools to deal with Uncle Frank at New Years. Like psychologically and interpersonally. I mean, I was thinking of Hammer, but sure. I mean, Hammer works too. Alright, everyone, welcome to the first ever writers meeting for Journey to Bethlehem,

the birth of Jesus musical. Woo! Alright, so now I'm sure you guys have all familiarized yourself with the stories in the Bible. Oh, seriously, guys? I was fighting porn addiction this year. I had to stick it back from social media after writing a manifesto. Well, darn it. Now I have to admit that I don't know the story either. Seriously, you're the head writer, though. I always did January 6th and I've dealt with a lot of things in courts since then. Sure. You got it. I got it. So, never forget.

What are we going to do? I mean, what do we know? I mean, I have seen a manger. Okay. I've heard like five Christmas songs. Sure. Yeah, no, that's a lot. I feel like that's a lot.

We can probably just fill in the rest, people will understand. People will understand totally. Right, so let's just start riffing and, you know, do our best. Do our best, totally. It's gonna be great. So January 6th, huh?

Yeah, yeah. Took a shit right on Nancy Pelosi's desk. Good for you. Pfft. Ha ha ha ha. Pfft. Hey folks, just gotten in with a quick reminder that this is the last week to get your donations in for Volgarity for Charity 2023. This is our annual joint fundraiser with Thomas Cecil from Cognitive Disnace to provide

funds for families in need to an amazing charity called Modest Needs. Just go to ModestNeeds.org donate $50 or more, then send proof of donation to a vulgarity for charity at gmail.com along with a roast request. We're going to be choosing 200 donors, the 100 highest donors, and another 100 at random, and roasting the people places and things of their choice on scathing atheists and cognitive dissonants. The roasts are already underway, but there's still time to get your donation in. But hurry, the fundraiser ends at Midnight Eastern on Thanksgiving Day.

We had a $100,000 match, we blew right through it, so the incredibly generous donor offering that match up to the match by 50 grand. As of this recording, we've already blown through half of that as well, but that leaves us look at for at least 25 thousand dollars more in donations in the next few days. So please, if you can, check out modestneeds.org and make a donation today. Thanks. And we're back for the breakdown. And we're gonna open up with a title card insisting that this was based on a true story, guys. Yeah, not super based on a true story. Not even really all that based on their false story.

Right, yeah. It comes down to it. Yeah, they open up with a young woman named Mary and I wrote quick question. How young movie? How young right? Right. Some 20. Yeah. I liked that they went with an actor who's like 30. That was good for them to do. Yeah, right. No, the narrator comes up. She's like, once upon a time, God right between don't, it's just we, we hired a 27 year old. So it'll be fine. Time was in metric back then. Back there's a different. Don't picture, don't picture a 12 year old.

Please say half, half his age plus seven means nothing when you've always existed. So it's just, yeah, think about it. Huh? Doesn't your big it. So, so yeah, so we get our title, Journey to Bethlehem. And then we meet the three wise men waiting on a new star, right? And this is the way we get my first best worst because the dude playing Balthazar, love the voice, but this guy is so not an actor. He's just got this dumbass.

I'm in the movie grin the entire fuck. Yeah. Also, they don't use his beautiful milk chocolatey speaking voice. No, when he sings they do not. It's a hired like a white tenor to be like, Oh girl, I'm a king. Yeah. And then he talks. Right. There's one spot. There's one spot where they we actually get to go all bass and shit, but yeah, and then the rest of it is, is fucking nonsense. Yeah. Hey, historical question, were there a lot of dreadlocks in this time and place of the world? Oh, yeah. Yeah. A lot of dreadlocks, a lot of but telescopes. Yeah, a lot of telescopes. Hey, man, that's just a tube. You're just looking

to it. Well, you don't have clear glass. Yeah, I have anything. Oh, your telescopes were an invented yet. We don't have anything better than nothing at the end of that to right now. They don't they don't say that tubes weren't invented. They came to right. Yeah. So Balthazar's looking through it to the very first thing in the movie. We say Balthazar, look at the telescope. Now the three wise men, they're going to play him for comedy. And here's how they're going to do it. Caspar is short and Melcure is fat. So that's, that's all the humor you really need. Classic dynamic. I actually enjoyed their, their stupid banter and shenanigans the three of them together. Like I was like, the only good thing in this movie. Yeah, I meant

the movie wasn't happening. So that was always a good sign. Yeah. Right, right. As long as nobody's singing, I was happy. Yeah. And then a concubine starts singing a song about a manual. Yes. The classic concubine. So this concubine will have one function, which is to sing her version of a Christmas song you know, right? But it's always like a weird, poppy, off-tone version, right?

She's like, yes. Oh, come all ye fat. Really? Do you know where we're running? You're doing it right there. Oh, you still got it. You doing it right there. You're gonna do it for me.

I don't know. Okay. Oh, I'm about to fade. Okay. No, you're still going. Okay. Yep. Yeah.

So we get the poppy rendition of Okamali Faith full over the three kings camel in their way to Judah. Yeah. And my wife was doing full volume bits in the theater at this point out of the seat dancing. I wrote in my notes, we're absolutely going to have to fist fight the only other people in this theater. So, okay. So then we cut to Mary learning that she's been betrolled to Joseph. She hasn't met Joseph yet. She's just learning that he's going to be her husband. Yeah. She doesn't want to be betrothed because she's an ancient Judean feminist. Feminist. She's she's she's she wrote Bell and against the Patriarchy.

Yeah. She says she wants to be a teacher. She might as well be like, I want to levitate like the level. Right. Right. I want to grind glass for ye oldie telescopes.

Yeah. Yeah. But so yeah. And honestly, I'm going to go ahead and say it here. This movie could ease. If you didn't already know the story, this movie could easily be mistaken for an argument as to why we need to bring back betrothal. Sure.

Yeah, that it works out for everybody. Yeah. This is one of the least like sexually problematic things that's happening to Mary for the rest of the movie. The rest of the crew. No, that's fair. Yeah. She has more autonomy over the betrothal than anything else. That's true. So, so yeah. So Mary's pissed. Her parents tell her about the patrol. So she storms out of the house. She goes to chat with her side

kick, fig the donkey. Mm-hmm. Best character in the movie. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Spoilers. Fig. So good. Major figure in the Bible. Huge, huge, real important. Remember when they won the Bible, it was fake. It was fake. It was fake actually who won the Bible. Yeah. A lot of people don't know that. So, but Mary's sisters are like, ah, don't be bummed about the betrothal.

We can go shopping because you know women always. It's like shopping. Someone listened to matchmaker, matchmaker from Fiddler on the roof and was like, I feel like this song is too anti matchmaker. Yeah. And so that we get the Mary getting married song. Yeah. I wrote lyrics written by me trying to write intros for Noah in a literary and a vulgarity for charity segment. Yeah. I mean, in fairness, they went with Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary for alliteration. For why the fucking why? Technically alliteration, I suppose.

I yep. And honestly, this song lived the entire time they're doing this song. I kept picturing me and Eli as the sisters and Heath as Mary because the whole song is, I don't want to get married and the sister's going, but marriage is awesome. Why would you not want to get married? I think of all the new bits we can create. We need to recreate this. We need to do a TikTok bit where we sing this song to get. Yeah, cool.

And it all worked out great for Mary's last year in the end. It did. It did. I mean, you could be appearing on cookies for thousands of years. Okay. There was one tiny moment in that song. Maybe I just went crazy, but I'm pretty sure like an insane old woman stumbled into this set and was like, Mary, and they just kept it in the middle of the song. Yeah.

And they were like, all right, you get one. That's fine. All right. Here's were like, all right, you get one. That's fine. All right. So I'm trying to be less upset and angry in my life because of the heart condition, but I could only do so much when the movie tries to rhyme romantic with traumatic. And Tromba You got hit the dick.

Yeah. And this movie does hit the car. Let me tell you, yeah. Also, I have to point this car. Let me tell you. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, so I have to point this out. So you know that thing where like everybody joins arms and they go in circles around the main character. So the sisters try to do that with Mary a couple of times in this bit. But there's only two of them, right? So they keep whacking her with their arms because it's not really room to do that. Stay tight. You got to keep it in tight. You don't have a lot

of space. Real mosh vibes. Real mosh vibes. Yeah. Right. Right. Right. You got to keep it in tight. We don't have a lot of space. Real Losh vibes. Real Losh vibes. Yeah. Right. Right. And just to be clear, this is a song that's about accepting that some old guy is going to be fucking you forever against your will. Yes. As a like TikTok Christmas pop song. Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary,

Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, obviously it's so fucking obvious. Okay, this felt like a heath character for sure to me because he tries to flirt and it goes so badly.

He's like, I'm an expert at fruit choosing stupid. I fight you like a word. I can't really do any juggle tricks. I can do the three. I can do the three. And I gather, it's a gather. There you go. I have podcasts.

Shit. Well,, I've podcasts. Shit. Well, I don't know, it feels like to me like the Gord Florton works because she seems super into Joseph by the end of it. Exactly. I don't think we need to point this out to most of our audience, but this is not what happens in the Bible. Nope.

They are, is it not? They are married when she is visited by the angel. Yes. So the first half of this movie and the drama it elicits was just the people being like, I don't know guys, the story of the birth of the savior of the universe is a little boring. Let's add a meat, cute, and some family drama. A 40-drama and a bit of troddle romcom. Yeah. Right, but the, is that they're right.

That's what blows me away, right? They always say, oh, this is the greatest story I've ever told. It's like, really, why do you need to embellish it? So it's you to make it interesting for 90 fucking minutes. Come on. Yeah, literally in the book, you tell it in four guys tell it differently. That's how bad it is. Actually, like, I don't even think most of them tell it.

I think most of them leave this part out. I think only one of the, yeah. Aaron Sorkin to punch up the dialogue. No way. Yes. Here's the thing you need to understand about Patronos. At least all the characters would still be Jewish. And then there would be a lot more walking talk. So actually, yeah, the characters would be Jewish, which would have been a nice change. So also they can't handle the truth so that would yeah, exactly. Yeah, but but so he that was better than I gave it credit for it He's gonna go back and I was pretty stupid I was

But I mean be like you're an idiot that idiot everyone hated that jar and sorkin wrote a few good men more Yeah, yeah, that's good. Queen silence after that joke So Joseph offers her some fruit. She's like, I can't take your fruit. I'm betrothed. He's like, I wasn't going to put it there. And the donkey goes, I'll take the fruit because fig the donkey is awesome. Nice. A vital to this story.

Fingit on. Audience favorite. Yep. It Joseph as they walk out he goes, I hate donkeys. I'm like, well, you know what? Fuck you. Fuck you, man. That's why I don't like your religion. I don't like you. And then we cut to King

Harrod's palace where we're going to meet Antonio Ben fucking Derrace coming in. Oh, holy fucking and drinking and just rolling balls on Molly. So's so good. Hey, Antonio, dice, are you going to do a voice for King Heritif Juda? Jice, I was thinking I would do this. Yeah. You're right. Your voice. Your voice. Do you like me in puss and boots?

Yeah. I think you're good as pushin' boots. Yeah, he plays this as pushin' boots. Yeah, it's literally, honestly, if it had been the CGI cat, a pushin' boot, amazing. It's the exact same performance. Sure is. Just slightly angrier pushin' boots. Yeah.

Pushin' boots at a rave. Yeah, so he meows at one point in the scene. He literally goes like, doesn't he? Yeah. Oh, all right. To be fair, he was, he was just rolling really hard. And he did that mouth thing where you're like, but yeah, sure. So and this is where we meet his son.

Remember herod son from the Bible? It's almost as important as fake the donkey. Yeah, right, right, right. And this is where we meet his son. Remember herod son from the Bible? Almost as important as fig the donkey. Yeah, right, right, right. And I had to look it up on IMTP because I don't think they ever say it. But his son's name is Antipotor. Yeah.

Anti-father is the first name I know. And that's also his personality. So he comes in and he's like, Hey, dad, Rome wants a census and her it's like, fuck sense. That's you. That's you. That's why I name you anti-father asshole. So Rob, Rob me in this simple thing and don't open it.

Yeah. Gonna jerk off in here. So, but of course, he's like, I'm not gonna have a census. I'm gonna do a song. Now we should point out like that. Herod in the Bible is an infantisidal dictator. We are to play that character for yaks, but he does. They do. Yeah. He does the Puss and Boots routine here. And he sings a song about how awesome it is to be the evil king. Yeah, which includes introducing us to his throne room, which is a giant lion head that's on fire all

the time. Fire out at random intervals. Right, red, glowy eyes all the time. Yeah. Yep. Mm-hmm. Well, over the top. Yeah. Also, he ends the song by snapping and all the lights go out, but like the lights are torches. Yeah. How the hell did that work? Okay. Got a bunch of unix holding their breaths, really, wait, watching on him to snap. Do you remember whatever crazy movie we did that had the giant yarn lion on the back wall? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

That tribute to this obviously. Obviously. Yeah. Of course. That was in the Bible. Yeah. It's a very biblical part of Herod's throne room. Yeah, maybe. Was that like karate cop or whatever? Yeah, I think it was.

Yeah, I think it was. Yeah, yeah, that's correct. That's a good memory, man. Universes colliding. Yeah. So, okay. So then we cut back to Mary's parents. They're greeting Joseph's parents on the way into the betrothal ceremony, right?

Yeah. And again, this is supposed to be a comedic moment because they were like, guys, we got a film 90 minutes with once a baby was born. So they literally have like a Rachel so nice. Okay. Really? I don't think anybody was pronouncing it Raquel in ancient Judea. Were they?

I have brought you this cheese. It's mozzarella. Okay. You know what? You know what? Stop being all of heaths older friends that he introduces me to and I have to pretend it's cool. Also, so Joseph is there, but they're trying to like, they don't want to let us know that Joseph is the guy that she ran into with those flirtin with the gourds earlier. So they're going to like the ridiculous links to not show us his face. He's like, yes, no, I'm just they're doing wearing a 43 inch cowl just because that's how I'm comfortable.

They're doing Wilson from home improvement for Joseph. And I was like, if this keeps going for the rest of the movie, this could be funny. Like they have to fuck through a fence or something. Yes. No. So we cut back to we cut back to Mary. She's still, she's still very bummed about that she's not out into the, the betrothal ceremony. She's still getting ready for it. And I thought it was weird to focus on Mary's desire for physical autonomy in this story at this point, right? Yeah. It doesn't. So no wind situation for Christianity. Don't, don't flag that, guys. Yeah. So, but she's like, you know, her mom's like, no, God, I'll make sure it works out okay.

And she says, I don't know if I have enough faith for that. And mom says, and I quote, Mary, you have more faith than you think. That's literally impossible. That's not a thing. You believe things, you don't believe, you believe. Yeah. Sounds like my mom and with my eighth, you should believe.

Yeah, exactly on the live stream now. Also, to be clear, the message here is, let your faith guide you into consent that you're currently not now giving. Right. Yes. Terrifying. Right. And then mom gives her her patrol head cage. Faithful. I mean, that is the class of historically accurate. That's the thing. What I love about our notes here is that none of us are going to be like, that's not real because we're worried someone's going to write in and be like, that's actually called the Houdouf.

Right. And it's been a Jewish tradition for thousands of years and we're going to be like, oh my gosh, we are so illire. I would as usual. Particularly sorry, but yeah, but yes, he can't serve a troddle headgauge. I'll get a bedroathle song lit, you know, a little quick little bit to introduce the couple. Yeah, with a with a reasonable tone, it's like a mama Mia flash mob about be troddle in the end. Yeah, it's very tasteful. And then Joseph comes out and surprise, surprise.

It's the only young male character that we've met in the movie so far. So yeah. And she's really mad. She's like, you talked to me in the market, even though you were betrothed. And he's like, yeah, but it was it was a meet cute for the movie. I was cheating on you with you. Yeah. In the future, I don't understand what the problem is. You were theoretically cheating on me. You were theoretically cheating. No, I'm with Mary here. This is a great point.

How dare he? Mary introduces the great biblical tradition of being mad at your husband for things you had dreams about. So yeah, so but she's pissed. So she storms off Joseph follows and they have this like, you know, this very super awkward conversation. Again, I don't even think they were betrothed in the Bible, right? We never learn how the two of these people, so there's no reason to make their relationship contractual rape. No, none. She's actually like running away and he goes after and she's like,

stop chasing me. He says, I'm not chasing you. You're always lying when you say, I'm not just, if you start saying that, stop moving and you're about to lie and stop doing what you're doing. Yeah. There you go. Yeah. And she's like, you don't understand. I wanted to be a teacher and I wrote, she wants to be a teacher and marry someone she loves and ride in an aeroplane. Yes. But this is where we learn what Joseph wants to be. We let him.

Yes, so fucking loud. I, I part, we got in so much trouble from the two people in the theater with us here. His response to, well, I wanted to be a teacher is, well, I'm an inventor. And an inventor. I mean, I wanted to so bad for the rest of this movie for him to have like, remember the dad from Gremlins?

I wanted him to have Gremlin dad inventions for the rest of the world. Right. I thought he was going to start explaining like, okay, so it's called Doge Shekkel. It's like, it's like, it's not money. No, it's not money. I see you already asking if it is, can you spend, no, so it's called doge shekel. It's like, it's not money. No, it's not money. I see you already asking if it is, can you spend, no, you can't really spend it, but it's just trust me. And then it make a picture of that.

There's also a thing. Nope. So, but yeah, but this leads into a sadness duet about how neither of them are really into this. Yeah. I wrote in my notes, we train Chatchy PT on over 30,000 prom puzzles to write the lyrics for this movie. Yeah.

So the refrain from the song is, can we make it work? Which loses a lot of its charm when you realize that her other choices are misery and suicide, right? And she's 12. Right. Well, yeah, that doesn't help either. The reminder of the context. Yeah.

But by the end of the song, they're over it and they're pretty much in love, right? Yeah. So, all right. So that night, God rapes Mary as the only way to say it. God. I saw this scene coming. I was like, Hey, movie, you want to do a Yadayada? Just do a little time.

I thought I knew I got a fastest. But hey, I thought it was great. I thought they was like, Hey, movie, you want to do a yada yada just a little time. I got a business. But hey, I thought it was great. I thought they were like, Okay, guys. So we have God's got a rape of 12 year old. He's got to know. Don't hear me out. He has to. Okay.

And if anyone says anything except a solution, I'm not hearing it. So we have to drag Queen Angel practicing his lines is what they settled on. Interesting. To yuck this bit up. I'm so pissed that they abandoned this bit. Right. So Gabriel shows up in her bedroom. He's this giant black drag queen. And he's like, all right. God's gonna rape you tonight, Mary. No, no stupid, stupid, too direct. So guess what, Mary, no, no, no, too light, too light. He actually does a hello today. Like, and he's like, hello, tonight, nope. Stupid, you know, euterous, no, that's not how you start.

I should have come as a wheel and a wheel, stupid. You're a heavy sleeper, bad, that's also bad. No, chewish, magical magical impregnation. Are you happy? And we should point out that this guy is super hot. The guy playing Gabriel. Oh, yeah, very beautiful man. Just because there's kind of a moment where like she wakes up and she's like, uh, so what's

going on? He's like, so God's gonna impregnate me and she's like, oh, wait, are you, uh, God in this instance? Sorry, he's like, no, and he's like, no, you did it while you were asleep. Disappointed. I'm just curious how you batted afterwards like like like S for you. Seriously, Jesus, they should have sent Stabler. Oh, come on, Christopher Maloney comes in.

Hey, how's it going? Yeah, right, right. No, have you read Christopher Maloney? I wanted some side tackles from Rishka Hargitay throughout. Oh, right. No, have you read with the bubbeloney? I Wanted some side tackles from riscahargette throughout. Oh, yes. Right. I couldn't get her. I see just pushing God's head under the Under the Back. I see is walking away from the little tent means like so you mean to tell me. Yeah, right.

So yeah, but he's house or you're gonna have God's kid. You have to name him Jesus and she goes, Jesus. And it's like, it's supposed to be her trying the name out, but it sounds like her taking it in vain, right? It's like, Jesus. And she goes, Jesus, that's the promised king, but it's not. It isn't.

It isn't, she's like, well, does that mean that I'm gonna have the son of God? He's like, well, hold on, that mistranslation hasn't even been made Yeah, that's that's miss that's wrong about the Bible to the third level because the prophecy says He's named a manual and his name wasn't Jesus it was yes Well, yeah right Yeah, and she's like I don't know about this. And Gabriel's like, look, even your old ass cousin Elizabeth got pregnant. And she's fucking old. That's way weirder than,

you know, virgin birth. Okay. But this brings up a real problem for me because this right here just now because John the Baptist's mom is such a Bible deep cut that how come you know that, but not they were married already when the age of 18. Oh, is Elizabeth the like 85 year old pregnant lady? That's John's mom? Yeah. John the Baptist. Yeah, we see little baby John the Baptist at the end of this.

Yeah. Jesus is cousin. He's reaching for Jesus' feet. Yeah. Yeah, but Babesickly, but Mary's pretty upset about all of this. Gabriel tells her to quit being such a pansy and he dips out and we'll never see him again. Correct. All right, well, that virgins fucked.

So clearly it's time for a quick break, but we'll be back in a flash with even more. Journey to Bethlehem. Hey podcast listener, what's up? It's me, Eli. Look, I know we usually do fun little sketches for our ads, but sometimes we just got to tell you how it is. And I'm telling you that if you have a child or honestly, even if you just have like kind of a pet, hell, if you occasionally take pictures of your surroundings, your mom wants an

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You can do this. You can do this. Got this. Sorry. Mary, Mary, wake up. Hello. Is someone there? Oh, fuck.

You're 12. are you an angel? Yeah, yeah, sorry, no, just I thought you would be much older. Well, I hear that some historians think I could be up to 15. Still not good. Still not good. Really would have loved heads up on the, on the age. No, all right, it's fine. Um, I bring you good news. Sixth grader. I don't, I don't go to school.

Not better, not better. I bring you good news. You are going to give birth to the King of Kings. Oh, wow. When? Oh, um, in nine months. When I'm 12. You could be 13 by then. We don't know, but yeah, yes. So congrats. Thanks. Wait, does that mean that God is I don't know. I don't know. The answer is I don't know. I don't know. And for the record, I didn't do whatever happened. I just am doing a messenger thing.

So yeah, congratulations, I guess. Okay. Can I ask one thing? Yeah, sure, what's up? Is this for a good reason at least? Oh, yeah. It's because God is mad at everybody, but if he sacrifices himself to himself, that then he forgives you. God. He feels bad. Real bad. Yeah.

And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to rejoin the action with Herod waking up from a nightmare by sitting straight up and straight up. She's also wearing incredibly modern striped pajamas. Sure is. Like, he might as well roll out of bed and check his phone. That's how modern the pajamas are. You see Santa Cruz banana slide. And he's got the, so before he wakes up, there's like this gold glittery shit that I'm, I guess is like, who's banana slide? And he's got, so before he wakes up, there's like this gold glittery shit that I'm, I guess is like God sending divine nightmares to him.

Yeah, divine. The golden powder ghosts is in the movie throughout. I thought it was maybe meant to be Gabriel in like showing up for him. Yeah. Right, right. Like sending the dreams to him or something. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know why God would do that.

Why would God give Harrod the heads up? Right, it doesn't make a lot of fucking sense. No. And why not, if you're gonna send Gabriel places, let him have an invisible cloud form. Sure, yeah, some form. A visible gold one that you can catch you. Seems like easier too. Especially when you're about to like set up a sex crime for sure. Yeah. So simple gold one that we can catch you. Seems like easier to, especially when you're about to like set up a sex crime for God, you'd

want to have as little, I don't know why I'm giving him 10. Leave his evidence behind. Yeah. Mershka, Harketay dips are thumb into some golden dust. Yeah, right. Yeah. He's just got it in a little baggy. My God. So yeah. So, but Aaron wakes up. He's from his nightmare. He notices there's a new star in this guy and he's like, well, that can't be good. Okay, that was funny.

He was like, does this star look not fuck? No, that's ominous poor Ted. Like a blurry mole for Kings. And so, okay, and then we get to see where Mary tries to explain all the going-ons from last night to her parents. Over a casual breakfast, just being like, yeah, so I got fucked by a ghost past the butter, please. Yeah, no, but seriously, I got fucked by a ghost, I'm pretty sure, and I'm pregnant now.

And again, like, I just have to point out, this is not in the Bible. It's not. They didn't have to create weird dynamics between Mary and her fucking in-laws. Right. Well, this is not necessary. Yeah. So we start off with her parents and mom, her mom is way too quick to accept, no, I'm a pregnant virgin though, as the story.

That's a nice Jewish mother right there. Yeah. I'm pretty sure I called my mom tomorrow. And I was like, yeah, a ghost got me pregnant. And you're a virgin? So said, she'd be like, you absolutely are. That's right. So, but dad's not sure Mary's like, I ain't no fucking liar. And he's like, okay.

And then now that she's all practiced up, I guess, we get her telling the same story to Joseph and his parents. And Joseph's mom doesn't quite yell whore and throw rocks at her, but super duper close I mean credit to Mary she puts on a good show. She comes in. She's like listen, so have you all read the ethical slut That would be great if you nodded yet. No, no, no, no.

Oh, you have rocks. Okay. Um, okay. Yeah, she has this moment where Joseph's like, tell them it's a joke and I was like, fucking weird joke, Joseph. I don't think that would help if she just goes, huh? No, but it was a guy. I don't think they were, yeah, no, it's Joseph.

They'd be all relieved. It driveled out from my butthole. Um, this lady gets it. Am I right? You got to, you got to catch those dribbles. You got to go shit right away. Oh, God. So okay. Yeah, so but his mom and dad call off the wedding, right? And despite desperately wanting out of the marriages recently as yesterday, she now longs for Joseph's approval and acceptance because she's a woman. Yeah, you know, now that they've shared a duet, she's committed to. I guess. Yeah. Right. So she leaves, he starts to follow, but only a little. It doesn't count. And then I guess Mary's mom decides that she has to go live in exile with her cousin Elizabeth. That's again, John

the Baptist's mom to be such a weird fiction to introduce so many universes. It's like, you know, Marvel is kind of like a host divorce stepdad sort of stumbling around being like, and then Wolverine meets Captain Marvel. You like her? Yeah. That's what this movie is doing. They didn't destroy Infinity Stones. You're on the OG time one.

Yeah. And by the way, this leads, so she's going to leave to go to Hebron where Elizabeth lives. This leads to the third ice sh I sure am sad about my circumstances song from Mary in the first 35 minutes of this movie. Yeah, I'm glad you guys were taking notes because I was entirely distracted by the 100% modern dress she was wearing from fucking anthropology. Like a wool knit dress with an exposed collarbone that not only would get her stone to death

at the time, but also was physically impossible with the technology of the day. There's like an anti theft device. Yeah, for real. Yeah, exactly. But yeah, this is a weird song. It was basically like, hey, God, little help. If I'm doing your stupid crazy thing, you want to help out because it's going really badly for me ever since you did your thing

and you had Gabriel announced it to me. And as this is happening, she's, I found this pretty funny. She walks out onto like a dead end Mesa thing and has to just stop and be like, fuck, that's a long walk back. The other end of song. This is a song. Yeah. And I'm not going to point out every

bad rhyme, but they tried to rhyme shadow with travel at this point in the movie as well. Some of these I have to fucking call out, but yeah, she stays remarkably clean through her multi day trek through the desert. As does her fucking fully modern dress, I guess. Do you think Mary could have like threatened an abortion here and had God show up to help? Like she's asking for a phone. Oh, there you go. God's not showing up. She could do a threat type thing.

That's what I thought. You have the ultimate like, miscarriage production. You should be able to fucking slide down the sand dunes on your stomach and God's like, no, it's keeping intact. You can make God meet you at the drop point. Yeah, that's me in there. This is a great hostage scenario. Actually me in the corner. That's me in the spotlight. I was going to go with doing. I was going to go with doing. There it is. There it is. So, but eventually she gets to he, Braun and she meets Elizabeth Elizabeth, by the way,

is about 55 in this movie and pregnant. So yeah, they definitely read that part of the deep Bible lore where they were like, she's 85 and they were like, no, just come on. Yeah. Right. Yeah. She's pregnant with a tumbleweed and dust. Yeah. Right. No, but we're having fun changing the ages wherever we feel see fit to do. So she's pregnant with some problematic racial opinions. Well, John the Baptist. Yeah. So then we cut back briefly to the three wise men so they can relieve some comedy, right? Yes. I love this because they, at this point, it's just us trying to get Heath to stop eating caramel story. I like girls. And I'm not taking off these goggles.

Ever. I will never take off these goggles. There's literally a moment where it's just our show dynamic. It's just like like grounds for a lawsuit levels of our show dynamic. If somehow the third guy who was short with the telescope was trying to move along the movie, it would be a complete reflection. And he was the, that's exactly what he was fucking doing. He's like, come on, man, we got to go. We got to get this trip underway. Well, the other motherfucker ate cheese.

And whatever the Eli one was just like gaslighting the angry one that like, no, we don't have to go. We don't have to do anything. Yep. Oh, God, yeah, because this is even where they have the like, I wasn't yelling and yes, you were definitely yelling. They might, yeah, wow, wow. This is, I think we may have a lawsuit. We have a lawsuit for sure. That was me yelling. No, it wasn't. They have to put us in sound of freedom too. As children. Yeah. There you go. That's all I want. Okay. So then we get Mary settling in with her geriatric cousins. Yeah. So they have this weird thing that they've decided to make a full-blown bit. So when Elizabeth tells Zachariah in the Bible that she's pregnant, it says Zachariah was

struck dumb. Yes. But it just means surprise. That was also an expression back when the Bible was written. Oh, they didn't know that and they went with mute. Right, which is why Zachariah is mute for the entire film. Yeah, that's a common interpretation of the character. But yeah. This is when they decided to pick one thing to go with in their head as like accurate to the bottom. Yeah, this one little thing.

And so Zachariah for the rest of the movie will be doing weird mind bits, which I cannot communicate to you, podcast listener, given our medium. But like the whole time the movie's going on, people will be like, yes, we must travel to check him to see and in the background there's a guy being like, bam, bam, bam, bam.

Yeah, right. Okay, okay. I'm going to three words. Second word short word, short word, elevator. Yeah. And also, by the way, it comes off as just him giving her the silent treatment for being pregnant, right? Like, he's mad at her and just being bitchy about it.

Yeah. And look, we all know this old Jewish couple, so I get it, but I'm just saying it's weird to put it in your room. I'm not fucking the hell. She knows why. So my brother came to stay for a weekend. She didn't put the guest room together. I was so good to her mother before she died.

So, so yeah, but so Mary still whining about her own situation and Elizabeth has this amazing fucking line, which I have to share in its entirety. She says, well, you know, what my husband used to say back when he was speaking is that patience is a great companion for faith. Well, you know, what my husband used to say back when he was speaking is that patience is a great companion for faith. Rough or any untrue thing. Really. The give it a minute.

It's a great companion for con men too. Yeah. Absolutely. Anal sex, strangely enough. Same for being pregnant at 85 with a mute husband. Yeah, right. You want to give that a minute? So then, so we cut back to Joey's place.

Now, he's still conflicted. His parents are super duper not conflicted. He's all like, I want to marry, marry, and they're all like, no, but no though. Yeah, he's like on the one hand, she was so kind in the two scenes we've met. And on the other hand, what she's saying is physically impossible.

And insane, right? And insane. Son, look at me. Hor. Meanwhile, moms in the background already introducing him to new girls, just like, oh, look, if it isn't Koko from down the street coming to visit. Yeah, right, right. She can do a split. Well, and Joseph's like, well, you know what, I'll break off the engagement slowly. And I'm like, she just took a week long fucking trip to live in the he-bron and shameful exile. I feel like the engagement's over, bro. That's already happened in the movie. So and then, and then we're going to get Joey doing a duet with himself. Fuck you. Oh, the red doodly do. Joseph versus Joseph Ninja Fight. The psychomachia Ninja Fight song.

Yes. It was pretty great. This was my favorite scene in the movie, I would say. Yeah. This was genuinely fun. Oh, not mine. Sure, outside of Donkey stuff. Outside of Donkey stuff, best scene in the movie.

Okay. Fight a nickel. Yes. Also, I just have to point out, they made this act to do fight choreography and fight choreography for these musical theater kids is shoulder grabbing and tango. Yep. Well, and what's amazing is they're trying to have him fight himself, but they don't have the money for the CGI to make that work.

So it's just him fighting himself in that deep ass cowl from move. Also, it seemed like part of the fight was the fight, the hug based fight. So that was some of the points. The rest of the points were earned by singing at the red apparition of Mary more. So it's like two different Joseph's, like trying to like push the other one out of the way and then like get a few lines out of the lyrics and sing it at red marie. Yeah. I want that to be like, like an event in WWE. Like, you know, they have like the cage match or the chair or whatever. The do it.

This would work. Like where you have to win a sing. Yeah. And I will say that the dance fight choreography, still looked a little less stage than when David A.R. White does it. Right? Like you couldn't actually hear them going at one, two, one, two, three blocks. And they were dancing. Yeah. Right. Right. Exactly. So, but midway through his dreamy dance fight thing, Gabriel speaks to him and tells him he has to still marry her though. Yeah. And he's like, I think the other guy won the fight though, right?

Hey, other guy, oh, he got me. Other guy got me. Yeah. Oh, he got, he goes. And what a great way to undercut your own stupid fucking take on the story, right? Because the whole story that they're telling now is, wow, Joseph still in love with her,

and he can't decide what to do. But then they're like, no, he was actually divinely commanded. So it really didn't matter how he felt about. Yeah. Just picturing someone who saw this movie, but hasn't read the Bible, leafing through their Bible later, when does he have the dance fight? Is that like a looser thing? Yeah. Yeah.

So meanwhile, King Herod is still having more bad dreams, probably because he sleeps right next to a big scary lion door. Yeah. Is the problem with having a giant lion in your living room, not great for nightmares, power bill is sky high. Yeah. Snap up a wake. You kind of hit your head on the big tooth.

Yeah. Exactly. But just then, Auntie Potter comes in to tell him that the three wise men are there and would like to use his library to help find the Virgin Mary. And they brought their full level shenanigans with them. They brought their full level shenanigans with them. Which is weird because it's a weird like Antonio Banderas isn't stopping doing his bit and they're doing their bits, which is weird, which would be like if in the background

of the Dietribe on every episode of Skaithing, Heath and I were just trying to move a sofa into someone's house. He didn't like very much. Yeah, and the wise men explain, hey, we're waiting for the birth of the King of Kings. He's, he's gonna be born in your kingdom and we need your help to find them. Also, probably while you're having bad dreams. And he's like, what?

Why? And they're like, cause this plot is, his thin as an antelope hair. And we've got to flesh it out somehow, man. I don't fucking know. Yeah. Help us find your replacement as king. And he's like, I'm really drunk, but no, I think no. I appreciate. No, I would love to help you. Hey, that mom is she, um, stabable to her. Howbable she is. Well, at first, he doesn't want to help, but then they do the, I will give you some

mer-song. You know, mer- This is fun. Glorious, mer- Well, this is the one time we get to hear Balthazar's amazing bass voice, right? Yep. Mm-hmm. So, and this is also where like suddenly you're like, oh, this is why they're so bad at acting

because they're really good singers. That's why they're here for the song with their Gold Murr Frankenstein. And they really, you know how when you watch, this is for like three people in our audience, but I'm going to say it anyways, when you watch a production of Les Mizz, the Tinaria's are the only enjoyable humans in that cast. Right. Everyone else is just a real fucking shit show. And you're just waiting for the Tinaria's to do Master of the House. So good. That's what the three kings in their Mersong was. Everybody was like, no, no, no, we're rehearsing the Mersong again this week.

It's not only a fun day. But But ultimately after they sing a song about how great Murin frankincense are. I feel like frankincense guy gets fucked on this. He gets so fucked. And you see him be like so sorry because it's like here's Murr, which is like drugs in this universe. And then gold is gold. And then he's like, I really should go or perfume, but it's not. You could spray it in your baby's eye.

I don't know. I'm really sorry. We made up a drummer so that I could be in second. We did a rock versus his tournament and I lost every time, every time. I thought we were just doing gifts we made. We actually had a limit. We had a number limit. And I was going to say it on. Yeah. But sood ultimately, he does agree to help them, but sinisterly, right? He's like, yeah, you can use my library all you want. And so they leave and he turns to Antipotor and he goes like, you know, fight that meddling fetus. I really wanted Antipop to be like, it's okay.

I've got it and he just pulls out like an ancient Bronze Age ultrasound machine and he's like, like an ancient Bronze Age ultrasound machine and he's like he won't escape me Mike Lindell comes in inside tackles him. Yeah. All right. Well now I'm craving some more So I guess we're gonna take another quick break, but first let me give back to you the hard sell Will they manage to make the biblical census even more nonsensical? Will the doggy learn karate? Will they chicken out on all the baby murder that's central to their story? Find out the answers to these questions and

more. We'll return for the Azizimou conclusion of journey to Bethlehem. And that's when I turn to him and say, bone, juror, gem apples Eli. Oh my God, I love it. Right, it's just such a classic meat. Guys, what are you doing? Oh, we're practicing for Eli's Paris Christmas Romance. Paris Christmas Romance? Yeah, you know, I go to Paris, I meet a French guy, we fall in love, or Jam as the French thing.

Eli, if you want to fall in love in French, I think you're gonna to have to brush up on your language skills. Shh, tell me about it. I'd love to learn, but it's so difficult. Well, why don't you just try Babel? Wait, no, what's Babel? Mondeu.

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went on our trip this year. That's why I, Ethan Wright, personally endorsed Babel. And here's a special limited time offer for our listeners to get you started right now. Get 55% off your Babel subscription, but only for our listeners at babel.com slash awful. Get 55% off at babble.com slash awful. Spelled B-A-B-B-E-L.com slash awful. Rules and restrictions may apply. Thanks, guys. Now I feel ready for my romance

or is the French say, Monshev Amalad. I mean... Would not they do say that? Well, okay. Right. Pfft. Antebatheur. Tell me. what is the news from Rome? Well, your

highness. Sorry, let's step into my throne room. Oh, okay. Wow. Allion. Just. What's that fire? Just. It was a whole thing to install. Watch your step. Yeah, I bet. Wow, that's got to be a nightmare to keep lit. Genuinely, a nightmare. Just so from Rome. Right. So Caesar, I'm sorry, wait, are the eyes glowing in this? Yeah, it's torches in the back.

Oh, torches. Nice touch, very intimidating. Is it? I feel like you're in the room for like eight seconds, and then you feel like you're on the set for legends of the hidden temple. Oh, no, it's, it's a... For boating. No, no, you are being nice. I should have had just like a throne room. That's why Kings do throne rooms. This is not, it's like themed. I mean Look, we all make mistakes, right? Like my wife put in a, a kitchen island, right? And that just takes up a ton of space.

Really? I thought that kitchen island would be like more convenience. Like a space for, right? But it just, it gets in the way constantly. Oh, no, that's too bad. Yeah. Hey, hey, King Herod. Oh no, that's too bad. Yeah. Hey, hey, King Herod. Jays. Where are you from? A spank.

Sure. Okay. Sure. And we're back for still more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action back at Cousin Elizabeth's house with anti-potterine soldiers showing up. They've heard Mary is, is somewhere in the area. Mm-hmm.

A little suspicious. In the Mary, if you will. Sorry. The connections bad. No, I said Mary. She's in the Mary. Oh, okay. That must have been it. Because the bad connection is probably I will just take it again. Mary. Oh, you're lying.

You're lying. You're lying. So it's written it is. Wow, it's written into the notes. Didn't, you see it? I'm hoping it got on you. It's written down like, no you can't. But, but, but, Glorious Bastards with Christophe Waltz and it's like super.

Yeah, opening scene. Awesome. Do you remember how it wasn't silly enough though? Right. That was my problem with it. Well, they fixed it. You know how she wasn't sitting on a rubber chicken. So Joe shows up to say, he's like, oh, the soldiers are coming to get you.

I came to save you and she's like, little late, little late. And he's like, don't worry. There's a man sized pile of hay that we can hide in all a sassence fucking creed. I wanted it to Tonyo to be in there so bad. He was like, I'm actually, I'm killing Leah not at the Vingy. Did you dive off a building into this? Yes. No, it's fine. I'm okay. All my bones are fine.

Yeah, it's great. So, are we saying though that, are we saying that she couldn't have thought of jump into this man-sized pile of hay if Joseph hadn't been there to help? I mean, look at anything else. He's just taken up room in the hay pot. He's an inventor.

Yeah, he invented hay volume. Volume. Volume. Hey, he invented hay volume volume. Hey, Ness. And I just want to point out a little spoiler. At this point in the movie, I wrote in my notes, my God, the donkey's going to have to fight them off. Pin in that big, big, big pin in my joke. The donkey's going to have to wipe the dog in the tail on that donkey.

Alrighty. Thank you. Maria. I said, I'm grabbing your gun. You say, aha. So, so the soldiers leave. Mary and Joe catch up on what they've been up to lately. And Joe sure is sorry for not immediately believing that she was impregnated by an

omnipotent ghost, right? And she's like, well, I'll forgive you this time. And again, this is a drama they have created that is not in the Bible. And Zachariah is doing bits in the back. They're doing the like, I forgive you. Well, I think you and I will and Zachariah is in the back being like, Oh, he's like in DJ glasses. And Rowan and invisible can do.

Yeah. Yeah. Right. Right. So, but, but Mary realizes she's got a, she's got a plan. They're looking for a young, unmarried pregnant woman. So if her and Joseph get speed married, they'll never find them. Cause they don't know that unmarried is not an Unultrable state apparently. It's a word

We could just tell people no No, I said it feels a lot like cuz yeah, cuz this is totally unnecessary feels like What's really going on is Mary's like I'd be damned if I'm gonna go through an entire pregnancy without at least getting fucked out of the deal Right, so let's get married, right? on his marries like I'd be damned if I'm going to go through an entire pregnancy without at least getting fucked out of the deal. Right. So let's get married, right? But of course for that, they would need a priest. Don't worry.

Zechariah, the mute cousin is a priest. So he can marry. Waa, waa, waa, waa. And it literally, again, pans to him like, you know when they dress up a character as a lady in a comedy and the camera cuts to him and he goes, why are you guys looking at me? That's what happens to Zachariah on high son of Joseph son of Nebom right now. Like, it's your God, guys. I feel like there's only so much shallack you can do.

Zachariah, what say you? You say it's Libby. you. So yeah, so we cut to the altar and they get a little bit racy here, right? Cause the donkey is the best man. And and and and Joseph goes, you're being such an a but then the donkey doesn't. Oh, he doesn't. He'll set it. Guys, guys, is this okay? like, they're having a lot of fun right on the edge. We're right on the edge. And like, I'm not afraid of edgy. I'm wearing a hat indoors, but I want to make sure.

No, but like for realsies, you know that they sat around and that writer's room for a good three and a half minutes, looking at that one going, I don't know. I think that might be, I think we can get away with it. So many high fives and then we write a movie around that, right? Yeah, sure. And they did. This is also where they got their bargain basement CGI Fireflies, which I love.

Oh my God. If you ever been to a children's museum where there's like lasers in one room because museums are underfunded and the world is hell, that's where they shot this. Yeah. Yeah, right, because they do their getting married song where they shot this. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Cause they do. They're getting married song where they have a lot of fireflies. They do their marriage, not dance, which is not anywhere near as sexist. I just made it sound. But they just tie the things in a knot while they're getting married and dancing thing, right? Yeah. And it's, it's just a duet for Joseph and Mary, but they keep showing Zachariah.

And he asked, I get that he's supposed to be mute, but he also has to just stand there in the really close background of a musical moment and just not move. And just, yeah, you see him like, Bob has had a little bit for a second. He could not fit, but he has to just stand there. It's looks crazy. He looks like he looks like Pat and Oswald in that one moment. Yes, freezing. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. 100% yes. And the lyrics of this song, by the way, are like, maybe someday this marriage will turn out to have been a good idea, right? That's the song that we're singing. Yeah, the final lyric is maybe one day I can learn to love you too. Exact quote.

And she gives him a cheek kiss. And this is where I developed the theory of like to the movie makers think that Mary was always a virgin like she never f**ked you. Because, because Jesus had brothers and sisters. I don't say we know that. They're real, super busy on that. But yeah, well, yeah. And then they ultimately they seal their marriage with a kiss that has all the passion of a gay woman being forced to kiss a male mannequin at gunpoint, right? Which given the actors in this movie is pretty close to what happens. Both of these very gay actors were like, oh, did you see we don't get to kiss?

Lip it up though. Yeah, we would love it. We would love to get on yours. We would love to. Uh huh. One. You didn't go. You One, two, you didn't go. You didn't go. You didn't go.

But I love though that they cut to Donkey who is this unimpressed by that kiss as I am, right? Yeah. So meanwhile, anti-potter is yelling at the three wise men in the library because they're taken to damn long to find Mary, right? Yeah. He has this big like, you know, what do you need with a peasant's baby anyway?

Your king's, your rich, you could just buy whatever it is that he has and they're like, nope, can't buy Jesusness. It's just that's a different thing. I like that this is Auntie Pater who's yelling at them, right? Obviously. And then he finally, he's like, fine, it's like the meaning of life to you

or whatever, that's dumb to find a peasant baby for that. I don't care. And he walks out as he's walking out, he's like the meaning of life to you or whatever that's dumb to find a peasant baby for that. I don't care. And he walks out as he's walking out, he's like, just find the mother, like I said, that's what we're doing. And then he really, he's like still mad. He like circles back, looks right at him, slaps the bottle of wine off the table as he's staring at drunk magi guy and he's like, fuck your wine. Yeah, right.

Like an angry cat. I don't understand. Also, the line by the way is that he goes, my father wants the mother found, but the way he delivers it, there's a moment between foul and you are sure he's gonna say, my father wants that mother fucker. It was just that's what I was here.

Yeah, for sure. I was, cause like the whole time I had these three old ladies going like, well, I don't think it's appropriate at all to make a joke about that part of the Bible. Or whatever I would I thought he was going to say motherfucker, I should have right at him. Like I was like, I, I need to clear the path to the exit. Yeah. So yeah, but, but the three wise men, he leaves and the three wise men are going like, you

know, I'm starting to think that Herod might not be helping for entirely ethical reasons here. Yeah. We got to stop just stopping in every King's house. We made it guys. This is not going well. So the next morning, Auntie Potter has to tell Herod that the mage I have dipped out overnight. And Herod's like, Oh, okay, it's fine. We'll just kill all the newborn babies.

And he's like, Oh, in the in the musical. Yes. I don't. Do we have to write songs for that? I don't. Oh, we've already done a bunch of really big changes. I would love for us to just cut that from the story. Wordplay about it is hard.

And they do. It's the inciting incident of the whole fucking story and they're just like, not, but not, but really not. Because Harry goes like, oh, well, we just kill all the pregnant women and babies and antipotters like, do you fucking hear yourself, dude? And then they don't. And then that's not what happened. That is not what happens in this version of the biblical story of Christ, the savior of

the world. Yeah. Right. And then anti-bottles like, well, maybe we can use the census as an excuse to check everybody for King babies. And I'm like, how does that fucking help? You could just also just check too. Just do whatever you, you're a king.

Right. No, we'll put a box on the census that says, baby's father, present, not present. God. I'm Nippit and creator. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, present, not present. God, I'm nip it in creator. Yeah, no, no, you're not allowed to lie on that. You have to, everyone gets along for it. Lying on the census is a big deal. Right.

And then, well, in her it's like, okay, but if you don't find her through this census plan, you have to do my whole baby genocide thing. And anti-potters like, okay, do you, but that would mean that we would be doing it for no reason because we didn't find her. She's not here. So you're, so what you're saying is we only get to kill all the babies if it's recreational, we would be doing it for no reason because we didn't find her. She's not here. So what you're saying is we only get to kill all the babies if it's recreational, right? And he's like, I have a sword for that. And he's like, no, did you not hear? I'm saying

that. Come on. I don't, I didn't doubt you had a weapon to kill the innocent pregnant women. We could kill some babies right now. I heard you say that. The pregnant women, they are very slow. You're hitting me a second sword. Are there things? The babies inside them even slow. Really, really just need. Their feet hurt them already. They cannot run away. Let's make your face.

I cannot, I did not notice it. It's right here. Where is it? It's on this side. I've been wearing it for a while. It's pretty strong. I noticed you got it in the gate here. It's a...

I noticed you got it in the gate. So dad wanders off leaving Auntie Potter to think things over in song. Blah, blah, blah. My favorite part of a fucking movie. All right, so I'm not going to lie, kind of dug this fucking song. It sounded a lot like Imagine Dragons put in a good way, right? Yeah. It's a creed song to footage of his childhood self pushing things over. It fucking rule. And I love because, okay, so they've they hire this kid actor and they're like, you're just gonna trash this room. But the kid

isn't comfortable doing this. So it's like somebody asked my grandma to trash a china shop. He just gently pushes over one thing, kind of timidly tugs at the fabric on the wall. Right. But the song was great. I actually, this one's been in my head ever since. So yeah. And as if the song wasn't good enough,

we get that sweet choreographed spear work in the middle of it. Yeah. Like, unironically, this is my favorite scene in the history of God awful movies. And like ironically, my favorite is still the step on Jesus moment from a footman tire you. But like in terms of actual quality of seeing, this is the best that's ever been for us. Oh, see, I thought it was super lame.

I wrote in my notes, this makes light saber kid look like a badass. It was fun. It was fun. Those are mute. Those are not mutually exclusive Eli. Sure. But just a kid in a snit about his dad being like big shoes to fill and like singing a choreographed song with spear dancing, that was fun.

That's pretty good. I that's the most fun I had in the movie. That's for sure. Well, no, sorry, the donkey scene that's coming up was. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Very dramatic. At the end, I wanted dad Antonio scene that's coming up was. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Very dramatic. At the end, I wanted dad Antonio Benares to just walk back into the scene and do like

a ball check on his son. Oh, or like he just pokes his head back in. What are you singing about? Nothing. Not we weren't even singing. No, not having an internal conflict. Going great. So, okay.

So then we cut briefly to Nazareth, right? We get Joe cooking some stew for Mary, because he's pretty progressive that Joseph has to do the cooking. Famous. Even she says, even fig the donkey start to like you. And I'm like, I feel like I've been betrayed by that donkey then. Because up until now, that donkey has been our analog in the story, but now, not anymore. Not anymore.

Yeah. So, but anyway, so as they're having this conversation, a Roman soldier storms into try to like forcibly census them. It's so good. So for those of you who aren't super familiar with the Christmas story, first of all, congratulations on the coma you just woke up for your fifth birthday. I'm not clear how you didn't get this story yet, but they're in Nazareth. Oh, right now they're right. They have to go to prophecy says that he's from Bethlehem. So medieval

heath and Eli were like, just saying they had to go home for the holidays or something. I don't know fucking know what man. But now we have to watch a guy from the census be like, where are you from? And they're like Bethlehem and he's like, okay, what do you have to go there? Go there and do it. There? Yes.

Yes. He's like, oh, if you're from Bethlehem, you have to go there to be counted. And he's like, there's two of us. You're right there, right? Like this, and he's like, yeah, no, this is the dumbest element of this story in the Bible and we've made it worse now.

He's like, I already started filling out the ticket of you not being in my census. He's like that. It's a shelter in place order you have to do it. Well, and he's like, and then he's like, well, my wife is with child. And Bethlehem is weeks away. And I'm like, yeah, great point. What are they my wife is with child in Bethlehem is weeks away. And I'm like, yeah, great.

Boy, what are they going to just hold the census in Bethlehem until the two of them get there? And how are you going to communicate that with the guys in Bethlehem? Can you bring them this note that says there's two people coming with you to be part of the fuck this is gonna take forever. But yeah, so they had out the Bethlehem and look, they could just in again in this stupid fucking story knowing that the bad guys are looking for them, they could just go literally anywhere else, right? And they could say, you know, I'm fucking Moishi and this is fucking Rachel and we're fine,

you know, and whatever. Yeah. But no, they go to Bethlehem. And this goes on for like 45 minutes because that's the name of the movie, right? Yeah. We watched them do a walking montage. During that, he invents a portable chair for her inventor. Oh, he did invent that. Yeah. He's like, I invented the chair and she's like, actually, that's the one technology that already exists. But it folded out. No, it didn't fold out.

As I said it, I realized I was lying. It didn't fold out. It had a cross on it. Guy invented perpendicularity. Nope. That's already something. Upreory. Godfuck your life.

So yeah, so we get this fucking Lord of the Rings trilogy amount of walking, but eventually they journey all the way to Bethlehem. And then literally one scene and one montage from the last title card telling us where we're in Nazareth were in Bethlehem. Yep. Apparently, we're in Lincoln Romans are checking IDs at the gate. They're checking vaccine cards on the way into the city. The the door to Beth. The city door.

You have to be on the guys clipboard or else you get to. Yeah, right, right. No, I got to say I honestly, I had to throw out a lot of, but what about the other directions jokes when I found out the Beth I'm actually was a walled city at this point in history. So they think it's about it. Thought I had some good bits there, but no, but her savior, Belly, tells her like the direction to go in, right? He's like, oh, we can probably just fake it. And she's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, to be true. I wouldn't be strategizing. I would be worried. Yeah. I would just be, I'd

be a dick about everything. I'd just be dancing around walking right up. I'm insulting your way in point. You might belly button at him. Hey, you want a laser blast from this? Because you're going to get a full on God laser blast. If you don't get the fuck out of my way or you won't, but something else will go good for you. It doesn't matter. Yeah. I win. Right. Go. How? So she's going into labor and she's like, oh, you know, the catchers, if we go through the main entrance, he's like, don't worry. I know a secret way into the city through a sewer pipe. Yes. And she's like, great. That's great. So and and then, okay, so they're gonna go off to that. We have to check in with the three wise men long enough for them to say tonight is the

end of the movie. Yeah, the heath character is complaining because he smells like sheep poop and Anna out loud yelled in the theater. Spada! spider. Spodding. Yeah. So then, so we cut back to Joe and Mary, turns out the Joe secret way in is to a tunnel, which is guarded. There's this great moment that we're like, well, how will we get the donkey in? And she's just like literal fucking magic. We don't God damn care. The donkey will just fly. It doesn't vote. The plot cannot be bothered with that.

Well, so I'll distract the entire army of herod with like video game guard move. Yes. Self mode where I throw a rock off the side of it. All look at it and walk away slowly. And we go right past a question mark appears about his head. Yeah. He's actually no, once again, like playing Assassin's Creed really helped Mary through this. I will say. Yeah. So they sneak into the tunnel.

They get into the city. Joe's going to run around and check to see if any of the ins have free rooms. Well, Mary hangs back and like contracts, I guess. Yep. And a soldier hears her screaming and they have this moment of tension where the soldier's like, well, what's that? I heard a lady. Maybe it's the lady I'm supposed to kill. Mark over his head. Three question marks on an exclamation. Yeah. And then the tarot bang has formed over his

head now. Right. It's going to be like a you lost thing for a stealth game. But then the donkey hits him baron behind the donkey snaps his neck like Stephen fucking yes Yes, I was just like Fears out of the shadows you can just see his eyes open like fucking Rambo in first blood coming out of the mud wall Or whatever and slits his fucking throat watch the movie I don't believe me, but it really fucking happened. I was crying with laughter so hard I could not see my notes Fucking karate attacks the noxim unconscious knocks the guard the fuck out with a donkey cake Just flying around the rafters like that man swoops down. Where are you? Yeah, right?

You wouldn't like my donkey when he's angry. Oh my god. Crazy billionaire remake. We just played the doom music at this point. But I'm an in. So, so yeah, so the doggy knocks him out. Joe runs back. He's like, Hey, I found a barn. We. So yeah, so the doggy knocks him out. Joe runs back. He's like, Hey, I found a barn we can sleep in. And to her credit, Mary doesn't go fucking what? It's the son of God damn God. That's a weird phrase I said.

But you get what I mean. It should be nicer. You don't your parents live here in this city. Yeah. What the fuck? Right. How much are they giving for the wedding? They really don't like you, though.

So yeah, yeah, no, I get it. Gonna wear a Hawaiian shirt. So, okay. So they rush into the barn. Joey sets up a nice bed and a nice manger that weird concubines chick starts singing silent night. This is the hardest she misses, because she's like,

Right. Silent. No. Oh my fucking, you watch everyone in the movie This is the hardest she misses because she's like right Fuck you watch everyone in the movie be like that's not how silent It is a challenge to do a version of silent night that I won't like but damn if they don't manage it. Yeah So and and then she has the baby, like boom, right? The way we cut the baby has been had. She's holding them. He's perfectly clean, no running water, no non-running water.

Everybody's nice and tidy up at this point. Yeah. Let me tell you, I can confirm women are softly, gently holding a perfectly clean baby seconds after their baby is full. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Especially if the person deliming the baby's never done it before and doesn't know what they're doing. Yeah. And the mother is 12. It works out every time. Right. No. Yeah. So, but of course, as he's born, the star, like,

brightens and it blinds everybody in the kingdom. It just, it's a regional. Including the donkey star. Yes. Yes. They literally do a cut to the donkey being like, ow, my eyes. I'm a donkey. So and look, we get herod herod sees the light is like, I can't be good. Yeah. They're all like Trump staring at the eclipse just having that. Oh, right. Right. Although we do see the choir of Gabriel and his angels in the sky and they're very beautiful. Yeah. So a whole drag team. Yeah. Yeah. Antonio Banderas his reaction shot to that. I think was him in real life. Just again, rolling his face off being like, only shit.

And he's done that. D'arad choir. I got the just to one tab from now on. He's got to adjust the one tab from now on. This quote won't be the one tab where I think it's three. Seven. So it's gotta be a prime number. The important thing is it's a prime number. So stupid 13. Little lamb leads the field hands into the bars so they can join the Jesus party. I feel like the three wise men feel dumb at that point where they're like, fuck, there's gonna, I didn't know there would be lamb is just leading people in.

I didn't know there'd be guide lambs. We're doing our non-telescope tube point at this guy. I was like, fuck, I didn't know there would be lamb is just leading people in. I didn't know there'd be guide lamb's. We've been doing our non-telescope tube point at this guy. Yeah, it's exciting. We've just wasted our fucking time. And then Mary sings a, how about this baby Messiah of mine song to baby Jesus? Mm-hmm.

It's snowing now in Bethlehem, yeah, it's moment as well. The three kings walk in and start singing and harmonizing with her and she's completely unaffected. And I know that seems like a stretch, but honestly, if after Anna had given birth, that had happened, I would have been like, sure, man, do you have the pain medication? Like, yeah, I'm gonna do it.

Yeah. Whatever you want. And then to doggies just like, remember when I killed a guy, that was fucking awesome. And of course, this is the part where they take that glorious base voice and have him lip sync tenor. Sure. I don't know what the fuck that was, but yeah. So everybody's lined up to see Jesus like they're fucking like he's a stadium urinal or whatever. And then we cut to late that night. Everybody's asleep when Auntie Potter shows up in the bar. Yeah. Get soldiers with. And he's standing there watching them sleep. Like he was standing there when they wake up

and they're like, hey man, were you watching us sleep dramatically? No. I was here for a normal amount of time. Right, there had to be a moment where he's like, turns to his soldiers and he's like, okay, so I don't everybody be quiet. I just, I wanna just kind of be staring menacingly

when they wake up. I just kind of want it to be a natural moment. So it don't everybody be quiet. I just, I wanna just kind of be staring menacingly when they wake up. I just kind of want it to be a natural moment. So it's gonna take a second. Everybody just quiet down. Yeah, yeah, no, that's what happened. They're not waking up. They're not gonna stay out. Stay out, they're not waking up.

Yes. Hello. Joseph. Joseph. Mary. Mary. I'm doing a dramatic thing. Hey, everybody.

Oh, it's me. Matthew Potter. So yeah, it's me, Auntie Potter. So yeah, so Mary and Joseph wake up, and Auntie Potter looks at the kid and he goes, who's the dad? And Joseph's like, I was the one sleeping with her when you showed up, so it seems like a weird question, but me and Auntie Potter's like, bullshit.

No, obviously not. You're impotent looking or something. Yeah. And then Joseph tries to fight him and Mary's like, don't, don't do the Peter thing. Relax. Because then I remembered when Peter was like, let's fucking go in the middle of Jesus his moment. And I had a little giggle about that because I think about it every three days and it makes

me so happy. Pretty awesome moment. Yeah. And Mary explains, look, my son is the king. Yes, but he doesn't need your dad's little shitty throne. He's a way bigger king than that. And anti-potters like, you see how this isn't making it better, right?

Yeah. At this point, I was obsessed with the donkey. And I really wanted the donkey to be behind anti-potter making. Do you want me to kill him, gestures behind him? He just like drops waste first down from the ceiling and gives the like snap next texture question mark. And then and then Mary's like, no, look at the baby. Check the baby for what insurrection, kingliness, no idea, no fucking clue, right? But anti-pattern comes over. He looks at Jesus. He's like, wow. And is one chosen ass looking baby. I will give you that, you know. Yeah. And then he looks back at his soldiers and he's like,

we're gonna give him safe passage. And the main soldier guy is standing right behind my head. He's like, what? Actual line. Yeah, fucking what? And they're like, yeah, I guess we're letting them go now. Do you think they cut when that actor said that's not what happens in the Bible? Yeah. I guess we're letting them go now. Do you think they cut when that actor said, that's not what happens in the Bible? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, the guy, the anti-podders, like, so what's the baby's name? She's like, Jesus. And he's like, yeah, no, that'll be great when you stub your toe. That'll work. Jesus, I get it.

Sure. Yeah, no, I like it. Are you sure? Are you sure it's Jesus? It's Jesus, don't you? Is he sure it's not? Yeah, sure, well, because it could be yeshway, yeah. Oh, this.

And yeah, okay. So then we get, it's the next morning, the three wise men are heading out and Mary and Joseph are going to take the baby to Egypt, right? Which is weird, they're all leaving together. Like, did the three wise men sleep in the barn with them? Then, yeah, that night? Unclear. But, of course, before they can leave, they need to give Jesus their gifts.

Frankincense, gold and probably weed. Probably murder. I wish we had got a scene of them trying to like sleep in the same little like, hey, manger area. Try to be comfortable. Yeah. What's up? Yeah.

But no, they, but they literally the last scene we have with the three wise men is them continuing their fight about how stupid Frankincense. Frankincense fucking sucks. Yeah, why'd you make me go second? You're gonna wonder what I'm gonna be. Yeah, yes. And then as Mary and Joe had a way, Mary kisses him because she loves him now. Again, turns out that the message of this felt the main message of this film is betrothal is awesome and works out great. Mary did too love Joseph. Yeah. Right. And then we close out on, it turns out that this whole story has been Mary telling infant

Jesus about the time that mom and dad met and about his birth. And that's how I met your mother fucker. Yeah, right. Right. Right. Right. Baby Jesus takes a giant shit and a movie. Yeah. I like that we get, yeah, it was like two two year old, three. Right. Baby Jesus takes a giant shit and a movie. Yeah. I like that we get. Yeah, it was like two, two year old, three year old.

Just four year old. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Four or five years old. Yeah. So and at the very end, a title card comes up and tells us that while some creative liberties have been taken, this is the true story.

Hey, everybody, I was editing the movie and we really got fucking buck wild with the story. Please, please, the little old ladies in a series in the theater with no, I don't beat us up. We just looked up the Bible on Yic-A-C and it was not hard. But that's just the thing, right? They know their audience. They know that until that title card up came up, there were people sitting there going, wait, is that song from the Bible? Did Mary have a donkey side kick that new karate? I didn't know that.

I should read this book. I got to read the Bible again, y'all. I forgot about the karate donkey and I'm going to incorporate that into my walk. And then the fucking director is the credit structural. The director and his wife show up in the credits and ask us to buy more tickets for this movie. He's wearing the anthropology hat for women and it's all I can think about for the rest of my life.

Yeah, but apparently I guess look out for that in all of our movies now, right? It worked out so good for sound of freedom that now every movie is going to end with. And you know what? You're allowed to buy as many tickets for this movie as you want. They can't stop you. I was going to say, yeah, don't, don't just look out for it for our movies. Look it out for it for our live shows, right? You buy two tickets for live shows, sit across them. You thought tip creep was bad, Holy shit. We actually got in the previews. We got a movie from Angel Studios that looks, I think Kend's Kendrick Brothers. Yeah, yeah.

Kendrick's Beauty and Trinket. That's not the one that I have. Oh, those were two different ones. Yeah. Okay, we got a Kendrick Brothers and an Angel Studios in the movie. Yeah. All right, so I, but that's the end of the movie unless you buy more tickets, I guess, in which case we could just start this episode again from the beginning.

So in closing, I have to ask what songs about Jesus' birth? Do you guys think they missed? What were you hoping for? Oh, how about a song in act one where fig the donkey swears to never kill again? Anything with more fig the donkey. Obviously. Yeah. The dog deserves his own. Yes. Give him a movie. Of course. Absolutely. Songwise I'm saying, I mean, they needed to fit like a virgin into that sexy. Oh, fuck yeah. Hell yeah. I'm going to miss the opportunity.

All right. So now we've got plenty of good ideas for journey to Bethlehem to the revenge. So I guess that's going to do it for our review, but that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need a 430 tuple to down. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well, Noah, it's Thanksgiving and those of us who love our families will be gone. They're coming to me. So you'll be getting some help from our friends across the pond, checking whether or not superpowers are real. Spoiler alert. Yes, they are.

You'll be watching the documentary superhuman. Oh, good. So with that, look forward to we're gonna bring episode 431 to our merciful clothes. Once again, huge thanks to all the Patreon owners to help make the show go. If you'd like to catch yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com. So I got off of them and thereby earn an access to an ad free version of every episode.

You can also help a ton by leaving a five star review and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows the skating a the excitation needed D&D minus and the scapocrat available wherever podcast live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you need to log out off of movies.

Tim Robertson takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slapick and Voderaf Son Mars. All the other music was written and performed by our audience and your Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen right now. I'm Noel Lutians, promise to work hard to earn another chunk next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Joseph, went on to invent...

Nothing, nothing else. Mary went on to teach... Nothing, nothing else. Fig the donkey went on to star in his own spin-off action martial arts move- Bucky. Really? What's it called? Fig trouble in Middle China. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Man, I was switching. I fucking hate this joke so much.

So stupid. Man, I was switching seats at the Thanksgiving table. Were that easy? I thought you wrote that joke. You left or that was it? I wrote it. I wrote it and I hate it and I won't change it. You thought won't take notes from me? You want to give this that one one more time as not seething with rage.

If only switching seats at the Thanksgiving table were that easy. So find your bright spot this season with Oh, you can't be in the same room God damn it. Self-loathing as he's saying it. I'm shitting while I say this just for spite. I don't care. You know, I did it. I did it.

I absolutely did it. He did it. I did it. I absolutely did it. He did it. He did it. Thank you. We're going with that take. That's the take Morgan. Keep all this bucket. We're doing it live.

Yeah. All right. The proceeding podcast was a production of puzzling a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2023. All rights reserved.