God Awful Movies - 433: The Shift

Episode Date: December 5, 2023

This week, the guys team up for an atheist review of The Shift. It's the story of Christian movie makers deciding to get in on that groovy multi-verse trend and deciding the title "Nothing Nowhere Not at All" was a little too derivative. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

He's like so wait, so he got his kids back at the end. And he's like, no, he got new kids, different kids. And he's like, oh, well, it's still pretty good. That wouldn't matter to someone, right? If your whole family died, you still really should. Consider your lived experience to be a bad one, right? And he's like, no, no, because Job had double the kids. Oh, like numerically, yeah, numerically.

So it's all fine. It's volume. It's all a poem. Yes. Quantity, not quality, is what Job was looking for in children. Yes. Yes. Not awful.

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afternoon, sir? Oh, movie theater all by myself. Yeah. I eventually had one of those to myself to. So tell us, he what would be breaking down today?

We watched the shift. I don't know why it's called that. I'm going to work. I guess to try to figure it out was like, he shifts because he shifts. What are we talking about? Shifts realities. That's a shift from dimension to quantum shifts. Okay. Yes. I know this is a good comedy, but I'm like, no, that's very obvious. Why? Let me know your joke for, hi, welcome to the podcast newest, there where we just don't think that's the best word to this.

If you're doing there, they're in the middle, they literally call it shifting. They call it shifting. They call it shifting. They're shifters. Yeah, shifters. We people not be in the second and third parts of this podcast because I will have strangled him over this fight.

I thought it was just like a pain in the ass job to have to watch this movie. So it was here. Well, that's certainly true. Yeah, there. Well, it's the story of a drunk guy who makes bar bets that involve literally carrying out war crimes against innocent people to resolve the bet. That guy is God, by the way.

Yeah. It's a Christian movie about that. It's about the story of Job, which is a bad pick. Is it though? I mean, it's sort of, but it's also not. It's so not like it, I'll say this, if Job was owned by Disney, they wouldn't get a copyright strike against This film. Hahaha. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you loved tenant, but you hated its lack of Samwise Gamji and sci-fi Satan, you will love this movie. I am percolating with rage that you have compared this movie to the masterpiece that is

tenant in any way. Also, you think it's tenet like somebody who has a whole apartment. I am not more sure of anything in the world than I am sure that some Christians saw it was stupid. What you said just now is fucking dumb. I love it. See, this is the new vibe, everybody. And so four, three, two, count down to the apocalypse.

But I have never been more sure that a Christian saw that movie and was like, okay, got it. Just scary cops and confusing. That's the movie. Yeah, you're right. You're right. So, all right, I'll forgive the comparison for that. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best of being the worst at? Yeah, so many things, but I guess I'll go with best worst helmets for the future police

or the quantum shift police in one of their universes or several of their universes. It's just a giant like full, you can't see their face, they look like a bug or something like that. Yeah. And it's like with it, it's with the reflected like the douchebag sunglasses, it's all that for the face of the cop. Yeah.

No, it's funny because like in movies, usually helmets are either, you know, really cool looking but wildly impractical or practical. This manages to be like the worst of both worlds. Yeah, they were very clearly like, you know what, they'll probably have in the future. Full face helmet. I guess.

So, and I was gonna go with best worst milk toast Satan. So, Satan in this movie, might as well be going around and like, leaving salt shakers almost screwed in, but not not like right like that's the kind of shit with like this Say classic prank you can't even kill somebody in this movie like they almost have him kill somebody But then we see that guy get loaded into the ambulance. I guess because the movie couldn't yes hold on Is that a Satan character the benefactor is supposed to be oh? Obviously, yeah I'm joking this time. I feel like he didn't see the movie Hold on, is that a Satan character? The benefactor is supposed to exist. Yeah. Oh, obviously.

Yes. That's right. I'm joking this time. I feel like he didn't see the movie. Oh, okay. It's the story of Job, I'm fooling you. Okay, I mean, spoiler, I don't know. You didn't know why it was called the ship.

Yeah, people were in the wild west of things you do and don't know on this episode. We're far apart. Bad word choice. There's so many words that are a lot more descriptive of what they're trying to go after there. It's a serious apart. We're four minutes into the record.

We're never gonna make it. Yeah, I mean, not to spoil anything from this movie, but at the peak of this movie, Satan will need a gun and it'll be like, shit, I need a guy who has a gun. Satan. Satan. Satan. Yes.

And I'm going to go with speaking of things he summons. I'm going to go with best, best, Sean Aston. Oh my God. So much to our chagrin and heartbreak. Sean Aston, Samwise Gamgee is a Christian. As far as we know, he's not super homophobic. He's never been in one of the really terrible ones. Oh, terrible content wise, but never one of the ones that are like, kill all your neighbors,

dogs or whatever. He just seems to love Jesus a little too much. And I'm guessing they gave him like a buy one, get one free movie contract, which is how he ends up in this movie, because he could not be more out of place in this dark gritty sci-fi reboot of Chope. Oh, yeah. No, that's two goonies in a row, folks. We got a Corey Feldman last week, we got Sean. I was trying to find a Martha Plimpton movie we could do next week, but I was overruled

on that. But yeah, he's the only like serious name actor in this whole thing, right? Well, Neil McDonough playing Satanist. It's like he's recognizable at least. Yeah, I went, I said, I said, I said, the guy. Yeah, it's all brown. But like Sean Astin, I actually like know his name. I could name other movies for sure.

Right, yeah. Yeah, not so much. I feel like, okay, Sean Astin is eating the food at every single moment in this interview. Yes, he is. Yeah, that is correct. Right. And he was like, I'll be eating the whole time. You can shoot me if you want with a camera.

I literally said it later in my notes. I think he only agreed to do scenes that began with a food that was handed to him, right? Well, so now I, I actually went the other way with this because I was wondering, it wasn't that or was it just this dumbass director going, well, your character's fat, he'd probably be eating right now again. It's probably that too. It was one of those two things. Yeah.

I think it was a beautiful meeting of the minds, right? It was like, you're fat. You want food and he was like, I mean, this is a terrible experience. So yeah, if you want to make me a token of she's sandwich, look, it's not going to ruin my performance of these lines. So yeah, I'll eat a big sloppy falafel. All right, well, in honor of this movie, I feel like we should pad the episodes runtime a bit.

So we're gonna take a quick break, but we'll be back in a minute with all the blunderous storytelling of the shift. Hi, I'm Noah Luciens. I'm Eli Bosnick, and I'm Heathen Wright. With the holidays just around the corner, we wanna talk to just our lady listeners. That's right, lady listeners, because you're in danger

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probably voted for Trump. And then I said to her, well, I'm in the season of Under the Pants Heaches. Really? And what did she say? Oh, she said she was going to pray on it. Nice. Chris, Dave, stop what you're doing. Sure. What's up, Nick? Have you heard of Christopher Nolan? Is that the guy who's dating Mike's cousin? No, I don't think so. He's a movie maker. My stepdad left one of his movies in a DVD player last night and I watched it and I was like it was so good so good. Okay so what does that have to do with us though? We should make a Christopher Nolan Christian movie. People will love it. Okay I mean what should it be about? Well so that's the best part. It literally doesn't matter. You just make the movie confusing,

and everybody would be like, whoa, such a good movie. I don't think Christopher Nolan's movies are just confusing. No, trust me, they're just confusing. So the stuff. All right, so we also need a bunch of dirty walls. Sorry, dirty walls? Cannot be a clean wall in the entire film.

Okay, I mean, if you say so. What were you guys up to? Chris's wife is considering an under the pants heech. Oh, nice, right? And we're back for the breakdown. We're gonna open up on one of many quotes from the book of Job we're gonna get. This is my favorite though. open up on one of many quotes from the book of Joe. We're going to get this is my favorite though.

I so okay, so I don't know which version of the Bible you were using. It wasn't the NIV and it wasn't the KGV. So I've got the KGV version of the quote, which is I shit you not naked. I came out of my mother's womb and naked shall I return to Vither. No, okay. It's not. This is one of those times,

it's good they did some edits on that book. Yes. The perfect word of God, a very ambiguous right there. Ashes to ashes, dust to my mom's vajusles. Sorry, what? I'm just, I'm a biblical originalist here at your grandmother's funeral. So yeah, so, but we get the the joke quote, we meet our main character, Kevin, as he's like

in a lake, right? Swimming his way to shore. Yeah, I wanted him to be squishing the rest of the movie, right? Like all the rest of the movie, he's just like, yeah, but he comes over and voice over and tells us that he's never actually been in this lake before and he's never even been in this world before or something. Yeah, he says like, this is not my world. And I just see the quote too from Joe, but I was like, I agree with this guy. So I don't want to be in the movie either.

Like I get, I get, right. Neither of us want to be here, man. Neither of us want to be here. Sounds like you realized you're in a bad Christian Sci-fi movie and you're like all right yeah All right trying to get back into my mom's womb is the noise you guys are hearing right now. Oh God The narrator's like but whatever it takes I will find my way back to her and I'm like oh Having the voice over straight

up, announced the main character's motivation in the opening scene, bold, masterful writing, guys. So then we get, we get our old time, a computer screen credits. And it's, it's supposed, and so this is like a sci-fi version of the story of Job that's going to have like multiverse type stuff. But then they show us this screen and it's like, whoever's running the simulation, I guess God has a Commodore 64 level. Yeah, they're doing it in DOS, they're doing it in DOS. Yeah, right, clearly. To run the multiverse.

It's so silly. But we get through the credits, we open proper on the housing market collapse in 2008. Our main character worked for Bear Stearns, so he's fucked. That's right, podcast listener. This movie would like to open with you should really feel bad for a Bear Stearns investment banker. Yes. You know, the real victims of the housing market collapse. The employees, let me be very clear. He's not like a janitor at Bearsterns, right?

No, he's a traitor. So he's in a bar trying to drown his sorrows in alcohol when suddenly a beautiful woman forces her way into the scene for a meat cut. Yeah, a manic pixie dream roast, if you will. Yeah, she's like, wow, you look sad and pathetic. And he's like, that's bad flirting. He's like, well, this, this movie is written by this movie's writers. So what are you going to do? Yeah. Also, I'm an attractive woman. And there's literally

nothing an attractive woman could say when hitting on you that you wouldn't be like, a turtle. My mom is a whore. That is true. That is a fun, that is a fun, bone most. Do you work around here? Like that's true. That is a fun, that is a fun, boom, moose. Do you work around here? Like that's cool. You can have her mom naked. That's so true. That's so true. But I would return to her flesh. I would go right back. Yeah. Absolutely. Oh my god. We're so so much in common. Eyes are big. So I was speaking to have something in common. I love this fucking exchange. Molly. That's the woman. She goes, Oh, you know, I don't like to drink alcohol. And then Kevin kind of pushes his spear away and goes, I also shouldn't drink alcohol.

And I'm like, too very different statements. Guy. Very different. Yeah. He also has an a coin. So we're supposed to, when she walks over, it's supposed to be like the moment she saved him from going back to booze. Right. Yeah. Exactly. And she does the like any hall thing, but not self-reflectively. Right. She's like, oh, so tell me,

we're gonna go on a date and then another. And then we get married and have kids. And he's like, yes, and she's like, good, you passed my test. That is how this relationship will go, correct? I had this amazing in theater moment here at this point. So up until then it was me and then there was these three other kids in the theater and they were too young and having too much fun to be actually intentionally watching this

film, right? So I'm like, oh my God, this is the first time it's ever happened, but these guys are also here to ironically roast this fucking movie. Nice. Right? Obviously. Yeah. But no, they weren't. At this point in the movie where she goes, you know, by the fifth date,

I would be trying to take you to my church. Would you even want to go to my church? One of them goes, my church. And they realized they were in the wrong fucking movie. And what? No, children don't abandon no illusion. Stay. Wow, I almost did the same thing as them.

My note was like, okay, bye, right after. Yeah, that's okay. This character should leave. And I think I'm gonna leave the theater. Yeah, you know what, the cold open where you's called me sad and pathetic? Actually, my thing, your church, the opposite of my thing. I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go find someone's secular

to tell me what a sniveling were, my M, thank you very much. Okay, quick thing about the theater I was in. One other person with me and she was sitting front row all the way left. Otherwise, empty. I was so good. Like what's happening in your life? Fuck stuff. She was doing that. Fuck stuff. You sit there. By yourself. Yep. You got to hate yourself so bad. The best person. Like you are, you're a cyclops and one I only comes, it's from the side right side. I was alone in my theater and the guy in there was very clearly having a, I can't believe I work in a movie theater emotional crisis when I walked in and I walked in and we both

had the look of, hey, you're either a religious fanatic or you're here to jerk off, please don't jerk off in this movie theater. I am the one who will have to wipe your comb with a paper towel off the seat. And I was like, praise the Lord and he was like, you're not fooling me. You're not fucking wrong with your question. And just please do it into your popcorn bucket. This all I ask is such a tough day. The trailer comes on that has a copy of mine comp at the beginning and be locked eyes with them.

And he's like, okay, okay, all right, I'll let you get started. That really happened. I was like, Jesus Christ, okay, it ends up being a movie about a British spy, but don't do a cold open to your teaser with mine comp. We are important, especially in a Christian movie because people are gonna be like, okay, and then they're going to be disappointed. Love that book.

So and then we flash forward a few years with another joke quote, this is joke two five, the one where Satan's like, oh, I bet he'll hate you if you fuck with him enough, right? Yeah. And we see the time sure are tough for Kevin these days because I think if we can all agree anything, it's that a lot of Bear Stearns traders had a really hard time getting back on their feet. Yeah. After the housing market. I mean, if you have to ask me the number one person, people, group of people who were affected by the 2005 housing market crash, it's the Bear Stearns straight. Oh, sure. Yes, certainly. So yeah, and we can tell life is miserable because his boss has a man bun.

He's shorter than him. Yes, that's bad. Well, and is shorter than him. He's got a man bun. And then he says, he's like, you know, it's like my yoga instructor always says and we're like, Oh, okay. So we have permission to fully hate this character. Okay.

Right. Yes. This guy's very hateable. He's bare-sterns. Yes. And the boss is roasting him for that. But then Kevin is his name, the main character Joe basically. He's getting roasted by his boss. And he's like, yeah, cool. Got it. Yeah, I am a piece of shit. I'm going to start your click ball thing. And he like, yes, I got trouble with one lady front left. Yeah. He just gets the starts taking all the pens out of his coffee cup and clicking them, clicking them, clicking them close again.

So yeah, so the boss is like, you're go home for the rest of the day and then come back in tomorrow and I'll yell at you some morning, he goes, all right. So he goes to lead. He's sitting in his grave, calls Molly and they're fighting about bills. And I love how lazily this fucking movie is written. They literally call them those bills. The writer could not even be bothered to think of a bill for the sake of his fucking square. You know the ones we owe money to. Yeah, the bills. And then but as he's having this conversation, he's hit by a truck.

I've never seen a movie try so hard to wake grandma up, right? Yes. Also, like, we should point out, this truck, spoiler alert, will never have any meaning to the movie. It is literally just that the author couldn't think of a way to transition to the movie he'd written from the intro he'd written. So he was like, and abducted by aliens. Nope, no, hit by a truck.

Why do we get spit by a Segway scooter? That could be nice. Yeah. Hit by the nest scene. Somebody should do that. Oh yeah. So but now like the next scene, we see him waking up injured lying behind a dumpster.

Now I should point out that up until this movie, there's just been time cuts left and right. Nobody knows what the fuck is going on. So we don't know that we haven't just time jumped to another point for a while in this scene, right? But apparently this is supposed to have happened immediately after. And Neil McDonough, Satan is here. And he's real, sloppy and unclear for someone who's introducing an opening satanic gambit. Like, throughout the beginning, first like third of this movie,

the devil's like, slap, slap. Hey, how many marbles am I holding? It doesn't matter. What's your favorite flavor of jello? And he's just like, I feel like you really need you need a calm and smooth approach throughout. He feels a little, when you're training salesmen, right? Like he seems like he's got motor mouth a little bit,

needs to take some like put the product in the hands. Tracing. I think at one point it was like, punch, I'm here to help you. And the guy who drove is like, what? Literally was. Yep, cause you know what they say. If you come across a accident victim

that's bleeding from like eight different places, you probably need a good smack. Wanted to pan over to a line of people waiting to slap him led by the meal. Yeah, but Satan says, Hey, look, I have a job for you. Let's go over to this restaurant. Job job, subtle. Yeah. And in case you didn't get that by the way, they're going to repeat that about 37 more times in this movie and really drill it in for you. But he's like, yeah, let's, let's go over here and he's like,, no, I'm gonna call my wife on my cell phone.

He's like, you're obviously in an afterlife hell city, dude. Duh. Your phone's not gonna fucking work. I love that Satan is like, check your phone. Like Satan's doing a mentalist. That's just a weird. Was that your card angle for the Prince of Darkness to like establish himself?

Just do even magic. I also, I have to point this out because it's just a funny moment. He's like, I'm the benefactor. And Kevin's like, sorry, what? My ears are ringing. And he's like, kind of ruins my uvra if I have to go the benefactor like a little bit louder. So maybe you could just take a second and process what I said rather than me having to like tell grandma who the actors are on the TV. I can't hear all of that that you just said now either. We just emailed the premise to me and then we'll both be all set.

Man of fact, oh god. The word just starts doing devil horns on top of his head. Does this you get? You benefit, huh? So, yeah, so Satan takes him to a restaurant to think things over. And he walks to this restaurant very clearly, like everybody knows him and is afraid of him, right?

Okay, can I ask, can we crack this not wide open and can I ask why? Like I know he's the devil, but why is everybody like trembling with fear at this? I think a bunch of them are his victims. Like he's the devil and he's tormenting people besides just Job. I would have loved that except they make it explicitly clear that he only comes after Kevin's.

Yeah, no, they do. Only the name Kevin. Yeah, only only variance of that guy. Yeah, oh, maybe that guy full of variance of Kevin. No, just who all of different because there Yeah. Oh, so maybe that's a full of variants of Kevin. No, just who all of different because there's a couple of spots where it's like some guy at the table when he first walks in is like, oh, shit, that's Satan and he's tormenting me. Like, fuck, I got it. So I think what we're supposed to get from this is that this character, like, who is like everybody in this city is supposed to know him as the benefactor.

I think we're supposed to get that like this character is prone to wild fits of temper and rage and it'll like, you know, rip your head off at a moment. It's no, but the movie is not as too cowardly to actually show anything like that for their character. So we're supposed to just get that impression through how trembling everybody is. Oh, so Satan just like goes into this restaurant a lot and does like the two for flinching thing and they're like everybody's fine. Yeah, it's like a Tony soprano thing.

Okay, good, thank you. Thank you. No problem. No luck. Cause I was very confused by everyone's active choices in the scenes and the movie never explained the truth. Not at all, no.

Yeah, I like the extras at the beginning of the restaurant scene too. Clearly it was like, hey, restaurant extras, just be like normal restaurant stuff. And they were like, whispers, whispers, food is here. Food. I like food to eat. So Satan orders steak and eggs in a tall glass of milk. That's his usual truly exatantic order.

Yeah, right. I like to shade for steak and eggs. That's a good dish. That's just a nice thing to get sometimes. So weird. No, that's a weird. That is what a hell demon orders. Right.

We're with milk. It's a great thing like a hangover cure. I like a slice of apple pie and a bucket of popcorn, like just normal, all that's a crazy example. Again, who wouldn't want that? So and for Kevin, the recovering alcoholic, he orders a beer. A beer.

Yeah. Get it, because he's the devil. Mm-hmm. So they talk religion a bit, just so I know I'm in the right theater, I guess. And then they talk about Kevin's marital problems. The devil tells him the real important thing is good communication.

And I'm like, oh, he's right though. That is actually correct Yes, I know you're trying to do a metaphor thing, but that's just he's like, you know, because without communication everything Falls apart and he's like, no, yeah, no, I know it's like you gotta you ever do like a set aside for communication It's like you don't also why are you talking that way? I'm talking about God. I'm talking normal. And then the waitress, Tina, comes over to deliver the food now. Fuck yeah, Tina.

No small parts, Tina. Tina will become like by the end of this movie, this movie will seem to think that Tina was a main character all along. So put a pin in Tina here. Tina's the fucking McGuffin of this film. Pretty much. Yes. At the by the end of it. Yeah. She was a hero just for coming up to the Satan is explaining to this guy's like, I'm Satan, the Prince of Darkness.

Mwah. And she like bartends right into it. She's like, so do you want anything? Can I tell you guys about our specials tonight? It's two for two two tamales, fucking. Yeah. So yes, you, but she delivers the, the steak and eggs that we watch him creeply. And he like makes her sit down with them and like feeds steak to her off of the knife.

Yes, but it's, look, here's what's amazing about this take because you can see what happened, right? They did a sexy thing where he kind of like pushes it into her mouth. And the director was like, that made my penis twitch. I need you to do it nonsexual. Tina, you're going to be doing all of it. So the take that they kept and put in this movie is Tina reaching over like a cartoon squirrel. Take a bite of this steak and it's supposed to be this big scary moment. But like Robert, Robert, what is his name? Has been told, don't move your knife too much.

You know, you're making people's penises twitch so she's just like, I wanted so badly for him to take another bite. And he's in the middle of a model. Look at Tina takes another bite. Sorry, I thought that was the thing. I just keep lowers down into frame. So are we given away free steak now? What is the actual? Does one

have to wait to the offer order whatever you want for you? Whatever. So, but so Satan is explaining multiverse theory to Kevin in a way that's just very clearly like, you know, hey kids, oh, Christianity has cool multiverse is just like them superheroes do, you know. Christianity as cool multiverse is just like them superheroes do, you know, now to be fair, I will say at this point, the shift multiverse and the marvel we multiverse make the same amount of sense on our written as well as each other. We can all agree. They're all doing equally good jobs. Sorry. Okay. This part didn't have a musical. That's all I'm saying. There wasn't a musical planet. Yeah, it was nice to be. I was shifted into a musical universe. We would be talking differently. I liked I liked the one moment where Satan's like, yeah, so I just keep switching stuff to

fuck with you because I am always going to torment you. And then Job, Kevin is like, oh, that sucks. But prove your magic because I'm not sure I believe you. And Satan's like, okay, fine. And he does it and gets like shit. Really thought that was a bluff. Well, he says, he says prove your magic and he's like, Oh, who do you want me to torment with my magic? And he's like, well, the waitress is right there eating steak off your, your knife, I guess, Tina.

And he's like, you sure? We cut over. Tina's parents are like weeping openly a few feet away going like, oh God. Everyone's shaking their heads with their eyes. Super wide. And he's like, yeah, no, show me your powers on Tina. I love my thick and I see you going on. And by the way, I don't want to miss this in the shuffle. The whole premise of this movie is that Satan's fucking with you by shifting realities ever so slightly. So like when your wife thinks you said something, but you're pretty sure you didn't. It's not that you guys are misremembering. It's

that Satan has shifted a new version of your wife into this reality. Yeah. Right? This whole movie was built of a fucking shower fight that this guy won against his wife using multiverse theory using multiverse theory, right? And I should also point out that I am now on wife. I would say 795 remembered where she put her keys. He's running out of multiverse anas that have known where their keys are. I promise. Even if it any only goes so far, it's saying,

Satan got foiled by like the version history on Google docs. Call it. All right. I have to just switch people in and out entirely. So, but now, but the key here though, is that the reason why Satan wants to demonstrate his powers to Kevin is because he wants to recruit Kevin to be the fucking regional assistant Satan for the 12th district, right? So apparently every dimension has a multiverse version of Kevin that acts as Satan's like man on the spot in that dimension. And he's trying to hire this Kevin to do it. Right.

If he does it, he'll put him into a universe where he's like super rich and his, his wife is like into anal, like not even just okay with it, but like into it. Right, right, exactly. So quick question. Satan has this pretty serious power to like change the multiverse. How does he do that? Does he have like a special tool for that? Or do you just do it with regular Satan magic?

He's got a deviator. Ruby's steamp punk watch that he wears. I also just want to point out for the audience listening at home that he is avoiding saying the verb shifting because they say it 97,000 times in the film. They don't say it. I say it

confidently. Do not say it even once in the entire movie. They call it, they call the characters the shifters do it like the shifters who have those things are college shifters. I like the people who have those things are college shifters. I bet you never says it. I bet he's like, oh, this guy, he's a fucking mover-a-dored free-toubled.

Anyways, it is called the deviator. And I bet they were very disappointed the first time they used it in this universe. They were, oh, a D.V. Oh no, it just moves me, universes. Oh, damn, it's very subtle. I'll put my pants back on. You guys switched in a me who didn't hear Schifter into this. What the fuck is happening?

That's what it is. If I'm jobbed, that tracks with a lot of stuff. Right. Yeah. It does, honestly, if you're jobbed and I'm the devil, this is all coming. We got pretty well. So, yeah, so, but Kevin just says he doesn't want to be the regional assistant Satan. So he prays at Satan.

Satan gets very angry and yelling, but prayer wins and Satan disappears. And I still wanted the credits to start rolling, but they didn't. No, they didn't. Instead, Kevin goes to leave the restaurant and he sees that now, but keep in mind, there were no people anywhere when they walked into the restaurant. Now there are these little discrete groups of angry protesters or whatever behind barricades. And there are silly, helmeted riot cops that are going to now chase Kevin away. Yep.

This is he's best worst. I also just want to flag that he left that restaurant without leaving a tip. Fuck you. Well, the waitress got bamped away into a hell to be fair. Probably leave a tip in her universe. That's the one time I think you're you're in the clear. No, they pull the tips. Right. Yeah, you're right. That's fair. That's fair. Fuck to the boss boy. Yeah, the bartend tip. You leave a tip there. You, you just prayed to God and killed Satan. You're walking out. You leave a tip. Well, to be fair, Satan was buying. So he should have to see if when he was being bamfed away.

Well, but you bumped him away. No, I'm with you. I'm with you. No, no, no, no, I can see it. It can see it. Job deserved everything that he got ever after that. For not to think. Yeah. So then we, we joked, quote, our way to a five year time jump, right? So he wakes up five years later in the shitty studio apartment, Nizhel dimension, a lazy combination of voice over and newscast will do the exposition here. And you're just like pick one man. One or the other. Yeah. He's like, Oh, shit, I forgot to explain the post-apocalyptic world that I'm in now.

It's, um, so it's kind of like the apocalypse, but, but with my concept for the multiverse, mixed in breaking news here, I'm going to interrupt you. I'm going to do breaking news to say the same thing. Yeah, yeah, that it's kind of like my version. Well, and I also love, so while he's listening to the news and we're getting exposition, he's like eating canned beans cold and he's typing on an old-timey typewriter. But the newscasters, after they finish catching us up, they're like, oh, meanwhile, by the way, also there's a new thing called the Vica theaters that's going to play into the movie, so we should probably plant that seed now, just apropos of absolutely nothing. Hey, if you all have ever seen a multiverse movie and you were wondering what the stupidest

version of how do I get from university? Just the way. Head on down to your local vicaverse. It is, it's a musical number from the greatest showman. You know what, we'll let you experience yourself. Just head on down. Yeah. Does it cost money?

We don't fucking know. I see. Clearly, yeah. So, yeah, so, but what we learn about in all of this exposition is that after he prayed, Satan, the benefactor who was like the king of this world, disappeared and hasn't been back since, and everything's been real shitty since he's gone. And everybody is out looking for quote, the Kevin that refused. Think about writing the words, the Kevin that refused. And no one in your life goes, hey, that's silly and stupid.

Hey, are you starting a Dr. Soustang? We have to keep going and it has to rhyme now the whole time. Do you want to start? Do you want to come up with a better, cooler name? Enthused, amused, but like, you don't have much after that, man. What do you say? I was going with Refusingator originally, but that's actually better. That's actually better.

Well, and then of course we have to learn his motivation, which once again, he just tells us via voiceover when Satan disappeared. Some people say all the secret shifters also disappeared, but he doesn't think that. So he's looking for a shifter. So he can get their deviator. That's the silly steampunk watch so that he can get back to Molly. And I want to be clear because podcast listener, you're probably thinking, wait, who are the secret shifters?

You haven't mentioned them. Why haven't you filled me in on the movie? No, no, no, this is where the movie tells us about the secret shifters. We are giving you information hot and fresh off the branches. We brought the starw branches. Which is that Satan who had the deviator, apparently had henchmen who also had the deviator who shift away. Anyone who resists his rule. It is completely unclear who gets shifted away and why and also if he's already got these hedgemen, why the fuck does he need Kevin as the assistant regional Satan? It makes no fucking sense. So you should

promote from within. That's just good. Exactly. Exactly. Promote a shifter that's already on the jump. So okay. So he goes to work smashing bricks with a hammer. Apparently, yeah, post-apocalyptic work, obviously. Yeah. A lot of smashing with hammers. And this is where we meet Sean Aston. And he is magnificent. I should explain, because it's post-apocalypse, everyone's all smudgy and post-apocalypse. Sean Aston looks like he just stepped out of an LLB catalog, right? Makeup came over and they were like, Sean, do you want us to give you a little smudge? And he was like, no, thanks.

I'm going to be eating an entire meatball sub for the entirety of my introduction. Yeah, because like, I'll be eating this bowl of fettuccine Alfredo. No need to put him a single top of makeup on me, thanks. Well, what's so fucking funny about this too is that like it's supposed to be this post apocalypse where everybody is starving. Sean, I asked him, big boy, he's a big individual, and he's always gonna have a fucking club sandwich at the ready at every moment in this. Yes, our main character has demonstrated the level of poverty of eating government beans out of a can. And in this first scene,

Sean Essen is just gently carving a turkey with an electric turkey carver. But as I get, you know, they say the regurgitators came and the second fall of buy them. Are you a white meat guy or dark meat guy? You can have any. I just want to, I'm just curious. What I'm gonna eat while I make eye contact with you. Every time someone says load of the rings, I get $3. Now I'm gonna throw peanut at him. Eminem's up in the air and catch my mouth. Oh, hit my tooth. I do $3. No, I'm going to throw a peanut at him. Eminem's up in the air and catch my mouth. Oh, hit my tooth.

Hit my tooth. I do four bags. I'm going to keep trying. Oh, same thing. So yeah, so, but we learned that they have a black market relationship. He's like, he was, we saw him typing pages on a typewriter. He's giving those pages to Sean Asden in exchange for information about the secret shifters and where they may have

gone, right? Right. And what he is smuggling him is the absolute best because he is smuggling him. His from memory recreation of the Bible. Yes. Which I would say I would pay anything to read an average Christian attempting to recreate the Bible. Right.

But because he's not a biblical scholar, right? He's a guy who got dragged to church by his wife occasionally, right? So 99% of Christians are gonna be the words we see. And they're like, there was a big boat. Don't ask follow up questions. There was. Yeah. Mom's vagina shattering.

All right. So it's the next day we get to believe in his apartment. There's a family moving in next door and the dad of that family looks at him very suspiciously. All right. That'll come back. Pinn and Matt. Hmm. But we also we want he we want him like walk around and give money to homeless people and you know, help old ladies cross the street and do other various random acts of kindness.

Yeah. He runs into a couple dancing to no music. Mm hmm. Yeah. And he's saying at that moment, like narrating, I look for glimmers of hope in society. And then he looks over. And as if to say to us, yeah, glimmers of hope like old people dancing in an alley next to a fire barrel and he's like, oh, yes, I like it here.

glimmers of hope, yeah, nothing better. He had just before that dealt with a beggar fence area. Yeah, there was like a, like a kennel almost fence and people sticking their fingers through the fence just a tiny bit and he's like, here's a tiny bread for you from like crumbs of bread. Right. Yeah. But that little weird moment ends with him once again talking with Sean Aston.

And we should also point out Sean Aston keeps accidentally saying his name right because everybody's looking for Kevin and every time he comes up, Sean's like, Hey, it's Kevin. My friends, the Kevin refused everybody. Norm. Yeah. So, but when he says it this time, Sostad from earlier, the dad that was moving in next store that looks at him suspiciously, he hears Sean Astin say it and looks at him even more suspiciously.

Oh, yeah. All right. Well, scant. Yeah. All right. Well, I guess we all need a minute to weep for Sean Aston. So we're going to take another quick break, but we'll back soon with even more of the shift. Rudy, Rudy.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. And it was with great joy that I thank you once again for your generous, not generous. Heartfelt gift. Hey, Eli, what you doing there? It's a little early for thank you cards, isn't it? Not for this one, because I'm sending this one to myself. Really? What gift did you give yourself?

I really don't think we want to know the answer to that. Oh. No, no. Heath, the gift I gave myself was therapy. Therapy as a gift for yourself. That's right. Therapy helps me correct bad habits, clear up bad thinking, and be kinder to myself all year round. Okay, that does sound nice.

And if you're thinking of starting therapy, give better help a try. It's entirely online designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists a try. It's entirely online designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. So I could do therapy from home with a therapist that's right for me. That's right. In the season of giving, give yourself what you need with better help.

Visit betterhelp.com slash awful today to get 10% off your first month. That's better help agop.com slash awful. All right. Well, I'm really happy for you. I love that you even got yourself an empty box. That's great. Wait, he don't give for yourself and how on different gift. Wow, different gift for me. Yes. You got to lie down. You do that, buddy. You do that. Guys, guys, hey, like, what's up?

Yeah, and what's with the outfit? I got one. I got a TV air. The multiverse shifting thing from this movie? Yeah, exactly. I went to a universe where I was a murderer and a universe where everyone was like poor and desperate. Oh, wow, that sounds terrible.

I bet you're glad you made it home, huh? Mm. Oh yeah, yeah, of course, yeah, super quiet. What, why are you still missing around with your deviator thing? Oh, I'm not, I'm actually just, I'm trying to figure out how to turn it off so that I can know just.

You know, no, you're not. You're trying to shift to a better universe, aren't you? Totally is doing that. What? No. I love it here and my life is awesome. I would obviously not trade my life for anything. I am. Because you're still very obviously typing like right now.

I just want to see what would have happened if I had taken a few tap lessons. Not like it is. He gets to be all off. And we're back for more of this shit. We're gonna rejoin the action with Kevin Ketchon up with Sean Astin for some under the bridge fire pit lunch. More sandwiches for Sean. Yeah, okay.

My first note in the scene, I was like, Rudy has a good sandwich. That looks like a really good sandwich. And then my next note is like, hold on, did he get a, he has a second really good sandwich, like a different one? Yeah. Did he have two different sandwiches? No, that was a continuity problem. I mean, he did, yes, but like it was supposed to be the same sandwich because he like, he starts eat the sandwich and then Kevin comes up and he's supposed to hand Kevin the unfinished sandwich, but Kevin was like, I'm not eating after Sean Astin. So he hands him an uneaten sandwich and then he hands it back

in. Okay. In my head, it also morphed from breakfast sandwich on an English muffin to turkey sandwich on regular bread. So like, I don't know if that actually happened or I was just hungry, but something crazy is going on with Sean Astin and food. No, it's definitely a less nice sandwich when Kevin has it. Like that was I, because at this point, my working theory was that like Sean Astin was like, Hey, I read the script this morning on my way here and it's not a very good movie. So here's what I'll tell you, I'm going to order DoorDash every 30 minutes. And if at any point I'm not eating a delicious little snack out, I'm leaving.

And so what they just, they just let him keep ordering while they shot the movie around the one day. Sam which is out of your pocket? Do you have pockets? And he clearly had a writer in his fucking contract somewhere that said, I get the best sandwich. If you give a sandwich to anyone, it has to be a clearly inferior sandwich. You know how vindiesel has to win every fight?

I have to win every sandwich. Exactly. So yeah, and there's this, this, this amazing dialogue, because he's like, so you, you know anything new about the possible shifters? And Sean Astin says literal quote, word is there's a guy. Oh, fucking bad. But he explains that there's a new guy that might know something. And then he starts just like, he sort of steers the conversation into asking why it is that God isn't helping Kevin out more, right?

Yeah, he's representing three different characters in the Bible that are like, Hey, Job, you're getting fucked, man. Like now it's boils to and all your money's gone. Like, you keep praying, you should probably, are you sure this isn't just you a sure Christian man. Manning you he seems mad at you.

Right. Yeah. Right. Oh, and we should also point out they don't have the guts to go with boils in this movie, but he does have a movie cough throughout this right. So that's that's God taking his health. It's got a little bandaid on his forehead. That's the boy.

Well, yeah, but Sean's starting to wonder if there even really is a God, right? Because like, like he says, he's all three of Job's friends, right? So he gives all three of their arguments. But ultimately he lands on Kevin, you should go to the Vica theaters more. We've already talked about that three times in the movie. It's about time that pays off. Yes, exactly. And it does pay off to be fit. This is what I'm here for parts of the movie, it's about time that pays off. Yes, exactly. And it does pay off to be fit. This is what I'm getting to parts of the movie is. What's facility? Just how silly it is.

It's so good. It is so ridiculously dumb. Yeah. So he goes to the bike at theater. We meet Russo the theater owner now. Apparently Russo lost his cat four years ago and still goes out and looks for it every day. And if you're not heavily invested in that fact, this movie is over for you.

It has nothing to offer you. Now, Bruce going his cat and Tina, those are the main characters. So look and move. Now luckily, no illusions, very invested in Rousseau's cat. He was on edge for the rest of this film. I was. I'm not saying I wasn't. Yeah. And I was pretty invested in Tina the way the waitress does like. Oh, there you go. For the same reasons, itty bitty feats.

What? I like a big foot. Yogh. So Kevin talks his way into the theater, apparently like it's appointment only, but he's friends with Rousseau. so Rousseau decides, all right, we'll give you this one for free. It's appointment only. It appears to be for one person at a time, but there are vagabonds living in the lobby. I have no idea why. They never explain that at all. It's got like a combo thing going on. It's like part horn area, right?

Like a weird horn theater vibe to it, but part like crack combo thing going on. It's like part horn area, right? Like a weird horn theater vibe to it, but part like crack house vibe to it. Yeah. Right. And then there's like an old time movie theater at the end. And then there's a there's a scene from the greatest showman in the center of it. Yeah. And there's a like he walks into the actual theater. And of course, I wrote a whole bunch of jokes about how hilariously impractical it would be. I have a whole theater for one person. And I looked around and I scratched all those jokes out in a, okay. In terms of impracticality, yes, definitely that. I have a couple other questions. Why a dental chair as the one thing is question. Why? Because

there are actual theater chairs all around. They seem to have brought in the dental chair. Other chairs recline and are probably a little bit more comfortable than that. Why a safety traffic lights in a circle around said that's a great question. The circle of light bulbs on the floor was many. Yes. What did that do? Well, and they're not, they're not decorative, right? We could, we find out later that they're like integral to the functioning of this entire device. Oh, yeah, those are load bearing, like the floor,

they bear the plot for sure. Yes. So, but Russo explains what's going on here to us, which makes no fucking sense because Kevin's been here before. Why the fuck would he explain it to Kevin? But it apparently the Vica theater allows you to randomly look at yourself in other dimensions, not through your own eyes. Curiously, you're looking at yourself from a distance in other dimensions. On a movie. No fucking idea. But only at random. Yes. Like it, it, it, it can do this. it has an interesting third person perspective on your life, but you can't pick which time it's just like. Boop.

And then it lands on one of your timelines. No, Amy is no, Amy is no, Amy is yeah. Right. Exactly. And it's fucking hilarious because what we're supposed to get from this is that in every other part of the multiverse, this guy Kevin is a bad guy. So everywhere he goes, it's him being bad, right? Like he's beaten up a guy, him drowning a guy, him doing pushups in a prison, him in

a strip club. But like no matter how bad he is, he wouldn't always do be like, he would be like occasionally taking a shit or buying. Sometimes he's got a sleep right or lunch. This guy just drowns people in fucks prostitutes 24, 24, seven, as we will learn 24, seven. There should have been, they should have shown him looking at him, looking at him. Oh, there you go. Yeah. That would have been fun. And he just looks back and he's like, oh, that's the guy. All right.

So nice. Cool. That's me. So, but then we get, we get a shot of Molly, right? In the middle of all the shots of him, he sees a shot of Molly. He gets up and he tries to like touch the screen. But if you step outside of the silly little light circle, she disappears, right? So that doesn't work.

That's called the dramatic tension lights. Oh, okay. Interesting. Yeah, it's good. They have that. But we learned from Russel that that shouldn't be even possible because he wasn't in the frame. He should only be able to see things that happen to him, not things that happen to Molly. And he's like, cool, Russel, will that ever be explained or have any meaning to the moon? No, no, I'm looking for a cat. Yeah. At this moment, though, I was rooting

so hard for the like the rest of that movie to eventually play and he gets to watch some random lady walk in and just have delightful sex with Molly in this. Spoiler alert, Keith. Spoiler alert. Yeah, we get pretty close to that. So then we joked, quote, our way to a bunch of riot cops holding a group of people back from a bridge.

This never makes any sense. We never know why a group of people back from a bridge. This never makes any sense. We never know why these people want to go across the bridge. We never know why these riot cops won't let them. We never understand why it is that the people wouldn't be like, well, obviously we can't go across that bridge, right? Why would they riot over it? None of it makes any sense. So yeah, it does not make any sense at first. I have a theory about why they eventually do their little riot thing. So like the one old guy somehow decides like, all right, I'm going to sneak through the line of police and run onto the bridge, right? And then they're

about to shoot him like in the back as he's running across. And then he vanishes, I think, right? Yes. Yeah. And at that point, the entire crowd is apparently like, all right, well, and at that point the entire crowd is apparently like all right Well, that guy clearly quantum leaps to an alternate universe Everybody race for the work done and then they all run for it I think what they all clearly believe is like oh well. There's the warp zone. It's right there Yeah, right there. We just all got to run to that about halfway across the bridge But we never really understand why he gets shifted. And again, notice that he wasn't using the word shifted.

Why he gets shifted or where he gets shifted? We're wearing, yeah, right, right. And let's keep in mind that up until this point, being shifted is like the worst thing that can happen to you. Like when that was gonna happen to Tina, the entire restaurant was gasping with fear. And now everybody's like, shift the head, who raw?

Woo, me next, me next, me next. Yeah. No fucking idea. If you're in this universe, it's a pretty good odds, right? Like I feel like better than 50, 50 something better happens. You would think. At least I'm gonna be like taking a shit or like, you know, drowning somebody.

Yeah, exactly. Doing prison push ups. Yeah, right. Right. The weird smudgy gray land. Right, but the riot cops open fire and they start dropping gas grenades and Kevin is tempted to give them a piece of his mind,

but luckily for him, Sean Aston grabs him and pulls him away so that he can run away. And then there's this great transition because they're hiding from the riot cops. The riot cops are gone for like one second and immediately Sean's going, you know, I don't think there is a God actually Tell you I have some questions about the Kalam cosmolot

Yeah, I don't think you can start with my thing is the only thing in a category and then define all other things based on it Yeah, but then but Kevin's like no no it totally makes sense that God doesn't help me more because Satan said When I was praying him away that he'd keep fucking with me in the ants Continuing to fuck with me and Sean's like right, but if God's I'm nip it and he's like No, no, no So then we cut to Kevin. He said a line at a pharmacy movie coughing Yeah, right and he notices that some, the lady up front,

her kids sort of wanders off and the mom doesn't notice. Okay. I laughed at this moment too, because he, he's all freaked out about that. He sees the kid walk away. He goes up to the mom and he's like, hello, ma'am. You don't know me. It's really easy to steal a child. I don't know if you know that.

And she's like, Your child is extra stealable right now. I thought it was my job to tell you. Well, she even says, I'm sorry, is that a threat? Or I don't even know, and he's like, no, not. It's not, it's an anti-threat. It's the opposite of that. The threat to her all around us is what I'm saying to you.

Because I love you. Fuck, this was done parachute. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry, different races. Right. But what we ultimately learned here is that his son, him and Molly's son, they were at a grocery store and their kid wandered off and then disappeared and they never saw him again.

Thank you, the shift. This is what happens if I ever take my eyes off my son in a public place. A normal and chill thought that I am not working with several professionals to manage from my frame. They will get you Eli. Yeah. And by the way, we're eventually going to learn that like the kid wasn't kidnapped. Satan just shifted him into another dimension. No, no, he died because later, later, he's like shift my kid back and we've got a deal

and he's like, I'm not. No, he's in heaven because some guy fucked him to death. So, right, but he also makes it very clear that he shifted him out. So, like, that's not mutually exclusive. Okay. Did I hallucinate something extra to in this moment? Cause yeah, the sun's gone, we get the flashback, the parents are all freaked out about it. But then we see cops show up at the door

and hand them a basket, like a picnic basket. And I was like, it sounds back to dead here. It's in the fucking bathroom. It's the kids' back. It sounds back back. Why did they put a picnic basket though? It was just in a picnic basket.

It was not in a picnic basket. You were in a full psychosis. Yes. You guys are shifting me into sugar. White and I shifted from a universe where the cops brought an edible arrangement to the door. No, honestly, though, if this movie was released with ever so slight variations in like 30 different scenes in every different like market, it was released. That would be brilliant. And that's clear. What's happened. We have the data.

Obviously, I don't know. I don't know. And I'm really wasting that, that sound of freedom. I actually emailed about him. I'm going to check my email, see if they didn't say anything back. And this is where we get the movies attempt at at a merch slash logo. Yeah. Right.

So we see, you don't mean the dead kid in the picnic basket. You mean something? No, it's after the dead kid in the picnic basket. You mean something? No, it's after the dead kid in the picnic basket. Yeah. He gives her this necklace and the camera focus isn't on way too long because it's definitely for sale. And it is, it's supposed to be an empty tomb, but it's boobs. And inside the boobs, it says he lives, which look, I understand for angel studios is

a empty tomb. God's not dead. He's very alive, whatever. But when you give that gift to your wife, whose son has just gone missing, it has very different connotation. Well, the movie leans into that, right? Like the conflict between him and his wife seems to be that his wife couldn't forgive him for thinking that the kid was still alive, right?

Yeah. Like that was the central conflict. And then he's like, no, no, I even have an our kid is still alive necklace for you. I had a, you're killing our kid in our mind. Jullary made for you. Custom up. Apparently, it's boobs or I bought it from angel studios. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But then at this point, this is where he hits rock bottom, right? We cut back to the present

out of that flashback and we get him like, rooting through a garbage can, looking for alcohol, which against all odds, he finds he finds a drink in the trash can he's looking through. Yeah, he's starving to death, but people are throwing out half bottles of bourbon. It's a very weird economy that's going on here. Yeah, but just as he's about to drink his garbage can booze, the dad that had been looking at him so suspiciously earlier, that was why he's like, hey, you want to come to my place and eat some food

that didn't come out of a fucking trash can? And he's like, sure, yeah, I can do that. Yeah, absolutely. So they go to that guy's places with his wife and his two kids. They have their meal and he goes to leave. But as he does, the mom, the wife gets up and locks the door. But like very aggressive move. Yeah.

But but but he's inside the door locks from the inside, right? That's nothing. You just turn the the handle from the inside, right? That's nothing. You just turn the handle and the lock now. It would take him an extra second or so. You have to fiddle. If you guys have better ways to suggest a threesome in front of your twin eight year old daughters, I'm open to hearing them, but I thought she was making yourself perfectly clear. And then we get the funniest moment in the whole fucking movie, if you ask me. So he's like, wait, what do you do? And he's like, Oh, well, we,

we know who you are. We know that you're the Kevin that refused. And he's like, we still haven't come up with a better and not still come up with a better name for that. And he's like, Oh, are you going to turn me in? And I go, quite the contrary, girls, come sing him your song, but do it quietly. And then we watch these two little girls whispers sing, I'm going to let it shine clearly against their will. Right. Neither of them wants anything to do with this. I laughed so loud and so quiet. Yeah.

I had a good time and a really good time. And Kevin cries at this rendition. Kevin falls with joy. Yeah. Yeah. And weeps with joy. And the dad is like, hey, can you tell our kids a Bible story? And he's like, right, yeah, in case the symbolism was too subtle to this point, I could tell him the story of Joe. Yes.

Well, not just that. What a terrible story to choose to tell children. Yeah. Right. I wanted the flash cut to the dad being like, yes, so that's why we're not Christian anymore because I can't imagine the book. Yes, for one random story. It is kind of funny how he's leaving out all the parts that make it super obvious what

a douche god is in the story. God is the clear bad guy in the story of Joe. Oh, yes. Just objective. He gets into a stupid bet with Satan. First of all, you're omniscient and omnipotent. You don't get into bet. Don't get sad.

Don't you bet, God. But he gets, he gets like, go did into a bet with a demon. And he's like, all right, yeah, I'll let you torture this guy and we'll see if he stays Christian and faithful to me or not. Yes. And he let's say do that multiple times. The guy like, Job passes the test and then Satan's like, let me do one more torture and God's like, yeah, right.

Yeah, one more. One more. Yeah, no, no, three is the charm. Yeah, he's the charm. And then God intervenes and cheats on the bet. He shows up and like gives a speech out of like a whirlwind or something to like remind Job that he's really there So it you don't even get the thing of you know blind faith. He just like shows up right and the morale of the story is Don't you fucking tell me what to do? I'm God. I'm put roof over your head and food in your belly

He is bad guy. He is the dad from fence's level of defense. Absolutely. About his weird bet. Yeah. So, but yeah, but the place that they, they, they, they tell a very sanitized portion of that story. And then we like, we see, he's outside later because they can't tell the whole fucking story without making it super obvious what a bad guy got his, so they're outside later. And the dad is like drilling him for clarity on the job. So he's like, so wait. So he got his kids back at the end. There he got, and he's like, no, he got new kids,

different kids. And he's like, oh, still pretty good. That wouldn't matter to someone, right? If your whole family died, you still really consider your lived experience to be a bad one, right? And he's like, no, no, because Job had double the kids. Oh, like numerically, yeah, numerically. So it's all fine.

It's volume. It's all volume. Yes. Quantity, not quality is what Job was looking for in children. Yes. So. And then the dad guy is, he's like, hey, what's that tattoo on your arm?

Is that significant to your exposition? He's like, well, yes, it's the symbol from the ugly necklace that we're trying to sell with this movie. Okay. Sorry. I'm just trying to keep track of this universe. They have half bottles of bourbon, no food except for canned beans and tattoo parlors. Yeah. Well, and whatever shot, Aston is is hungry for a lot of good sandwich shops. Yeah. And whatever Sean Aston is hungry for. Yeah. A lot of good sandwich shops. Yeah.

A lot of good stuff. A lot of food trucks in this alternate universe. Yeah. No, we're going to see what it does in a minute too. But before we do, we get that an air raid siren goes off. But apparently that's just this movie's emergency alert TV tone, right? That just means go in and side and turn your TV's to channel four. Yes, which we learn the laziest possible way, a literal little woman who we've never met before

walks by and goes, turn your channel to four. And they're like, why would we? Yeah. There's nothing. It might as well be the director in his director's chair being like, that means turn on the TV for some exposition. Right. Why would they not know that? And she know it. It makes no fucking sense. They're all residents of the same world. Right. Why would they not know that and she know it? It makes no fucking sense. They're all residents of the same world. Anyway. And it's a message from the devil. Why would he keep the long beep in the color bars? Why would he just fucking break into whatever channel? Yeah. So, but yeah, but the news cuts it in and they're like, Hey, Neil McDonald has returned. And now a random group of people

have to go to that restaurant from before or they will be killed. Okay. No, go ahead. No, I can't. I can't. I like there's no, okay. I have no fucking idea. So to be clear, because I didn't want to spoil this in the first scene when we saw this happen at Kevin, what we are to believe happens on a pretty recurring basis is that the devil recruits a randomly compiled group of people into this Italian restaurant slash bar just for fucking me's on sand while he explains to you. Yes. And infinite universe of Kevin's his deal.

Yes, and they show up and what if you're too old, what if you have surgery scheduled that day? Like I feel like the logistics of the jury of Kevin duty is just a nightmare. Well, and on top of that, like outside of the restaurant, there's all these groups of people trying to get in, why don't you just take eight of them at random? It doesn't fucking matter, right?

Or why not just have an empty fucking restaurant? It none of it matters. Anyway, yeah, it's not like Tina really lent something to the experience. No, guys, I tried pitching the kevans without feeding someone a piece of steak ominously and the whole thing felt silly. Okay, I had to go into the back and make myself a steak and some eggs. It was a whole thing. So yeah, so then we get Kevin going back to the Vica theater, but now Russo doesn't want

to let him in because the benefactor is back and he could get in trouble. So Kevin, like a complete fucking douchebag meows so that Russo will think his cat's back. And then he's like, no, I got you. I got you. I got you. I'm endangering your life with my shenanigans. What is it? I just want to watch some peep show of my wife.

Yeah. Yeah. So and that's it, right? He goes to the theater and he watches more peep show. And this time he's getting Molly like in all kinds of differently. Like first he gets like Molly in a universe where she's a single mom with a daughter But then he he clicks through and we get like her doing a series of jobs as though we're walking down the barbie aisle

Right, we get like okay fight attendant her and teacher her But also like really really excited. She's like a movie star at at one point. She's like a very happy painter and another. She's a math professor, I think, and she's so much better without him. In like all these different universes, he's just be like, all right, well, I'll just stay here then, because that's clearly clearly better for her in all of these.

Also, I have another logistic question about the Vica theater here. Okay, so a couple of times here, we see he zooms in. He's got like a centipede ball on his controller, right? And when he wants, he just zooms in. He just rolls the thing and it zooms in. How does it know where on the screen to zoom in?

Right. He doesn't direct that. Yeah. And just zooms in on whatever he's talking about. Anyway. Yeah. Is he doing the millennial zoom? Is he doing the Gen Z zoom with the double thumbs? Right. We need a lot more answers on this. Exactly. Instead of the 97 mouse he's got. Yeah. Yeah, is he doing the millennial zoom? Is he doing the Gen Z zoom with the double thumbs? Right?

We need a lot more answers on this instead of the 97 mouse he's got. Yeah, it just drags the entire movie off God damn no, how do I get it back? I can't grab it. I can't go out of the light circle. Somebody help I'm gonna force quit the the movie and then I'll come back to it So but then but he sees he as he's clicking through, he sees his Molly. He knows because she's wearing his ugly ass fucking necklace, right? But available to a jeweler near you. Yeah, right. Well, or not available to their website.

But yeah, but also like, wouldn't the infinite universe of Molly's like, wouldn't a lot of them be with the infinite universe of Kevin's and wouldn't some of the other Kevin's have given her this necklace? Yeah. All the other kevans are busy murdering hookers. Oh right. No, you're right. Do it in prison pushups. You're right. No, that's correct. And so he's like, hey, Russo, I need you to tell me what dimension that was. He's like, oh, I can't because it's not act three yet. He's like, but come back later and I'll be able to do it, assuming that a miracle that God miracles this back and he's like, Oh, God, oh, miracle. And act three. Yeah, God will miracle me back into it. Wait, sorry. Are you saying the stakes are the establishing stakes that you put into

the literal second scene of this movie? Yeah, but they're immediate now. Okay. There's just more immediate. Now it's the same. I want a deviator. We end in the exact same place We started in yeah just like Christopher Nolan All right, well the movie felt the need to just set up a plot it had already set up and Told us about in the opening narration so I feel like it needs a break more than we do. But first, let me give act three the hard sell Will Tina the waitress be reunited with her family? Will Russo find his long lost cat? Will this movie mistakenly believe its audience is it all invested in either of those things?

Find out the answers to these questions and more. We return for the ludicrously gray toned conclusion of the shift. Lot of gray. Slot gray. Very gray. Okay, but did you even ask them? No, man, I didn't ask. Hey, guys, what's going on? Eli wants me to ask the blood bank if they'll take other fluids again.

Seriously, dude, this is just like the toy drive. Okay, that was on them. They were very unclear about their definition of toy. No, they weren't. I feel like we all knew what they meant. And two, two, I am trying to save money for the holidays. Well, Eli, if you're trying to save money for the holidays, why don't you try... hello, fresh? What's? Hello fresh. With hello fresh, you get farm fresh,

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That does sound good, but have you guys actually tried it? Oh sure have. Hello fresh sent us a box to try and I love the variety of the food as well as the fact that it unpacks in seconds. That's why I know illusions personally recommend Hello Fresh. Alright guys, I'm sold. Where do I sign up? Just go to hello fresh.com slash awful free and use the code awful free to get

free breakfast for life. One breakfast item per box while subscription is active. That's free breakfast for life at hellofresh.com slash awful free with the code awful free. Thanks. You sure I shouldn't call the blood bank? Yep, I am sure. But I drew a picture with the chair would look like in everything. I don't wanna see that, man. But the hosus. We see the hosus, man. We see him.

K. Hey, Kevin. Ah, Gabe, you're back for more pages? Yeah, sure. So yeah, I did give those pages to read the other night, the ones he gave me already. Oh, I'm so glad to hear it, Gabe. Which ones did you read? Just the ones he gave me already. Oh, I'm so glad to hear it, Gabe. Which ones did you read?

Just the one with the big boat. Oh, yeah, classic. The story of Noah's Ark. Right, sure. So just to be clear though, God drowned the whole world, except for two of every animal. Well, and seven of the clean ones. Yeah, that's right.

That's right, yeah. Wow, okay. So in the reality, you come from how many animals two of every animal. Well, and seven of the clean ones. Yeah, that's right. That's right. Wow. Okay. So in the reality, you come from how many animals are there? I'm sorry. Oh, you mustn't even know. We have like 8.7 million different kinds of animals in this reality. So two of each of those wouldn't fit in a boat.

Obviously. Well, no, we have the same number of animals where I'm from. Okay. So, am I wrong about how big the boat was? Was it like a giant, like, continent-sized boat for all those animals? No. It's 450 feet. 450 feet.

Well, we actually, we have a museum in my reality that explains this. Um, they have this wall and it says it's really only like a thousand kinds of animals. Oh, that sounds like really fucking stupid. Well, but like a seal is like a water dog. Okay. And we're back for still more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with Sean Aston grabbing a little street meat. Cause you know, Sean Aston in a scene of this movie. Okay. This is the one time where he dropped his food and he, Sean Aston clearly got angry in real life.

100% Kevin Grabb, He's walking down the street. He's got his like falafel. Everett Kevin grabs him and pulls him into the little abandoned building and he's so fucking angry. He might as well pull a fucking another swarma out of the air like Mitchell play and be like you find a name drop mine. Swarma. And look, let's be honest, this actor did that to Sean Ashton.

Because Sean Ashton was like, yeah, they just order me whatever food I want every 30 minutes on the minute where I leave the movie. So, yeah, but so Kevin's like, Hey, shit's getting real. I need a gun. And Sean Ashton's like, a gun, those are illegal. So and of course, this movie's intended audience, gasps in a horror or whatever. And then Kevin's like, I'll stop giving you Bible pamphlets if you don't get me a gun. And show this to me like, yes, that does sway me now

because I have to have those. Here's a gun. I had one the whole time. I have one right now. He says, and I quote, I'm always packing. Now, that's a silly line, regardless of who delivers it, but it's extra silly coming from 50 year old Sean Aston, right? Just, yeah, I love it. I love the show. Aston accidentally explains how ridiculous the

plot of this thing is. He's like, right,, hey man, you can't just shoot the devil, the prince of darkness with a gun. I don't think that's how it works. Here's a gun though. Go to town, man. I don't know. Yep. I wrote my notes in this dumbass movie.

Who knows? But yeah. You only a falafel. Yeah, maybe blowing out the back of Satan's skull works in this stupid, multiverse model. Nothing else makes sense and it's certainly not biblical. Yeah. So yeah, but Kevin, we get Kevin Arminapi heads to the restaurant to give the devil his due.

God, that's a better line than anything in this movie. Got so much better than anything in this movie. They're going to steal that for their posters. Yeah, right. It's not your silly transition to the star scene. It's just like him being like, Lululu off to kill the devil with the gun. With a gun. It's my favorite thing.

Job, job, job. So dumb. So he gets to the restaurant and I almost had best worst barricades, right? Because they've got like five different little barricades set up at different spots in the street and there's five different discrete little crowds that are hiding behind those barricades. like pushing is though they want to get through but like you can just

go around. Go around. Just go around. There's just literally way. Of course, as I'm writing that, somebody tries to go around and the cops beat the shit out of him. So I'm like, okay, well, they two guys get in a fight about the going around strategy and then the cops start to fight them.

Yeah. And every single cop in the city starts fighting them and he just walks right past. It walks into the restaurant. I have seen assassins creed guards with better peripherals than this. Yeah. They start messing with those. Well, I guess it's because of the fucking it's because of their stupid ass helmets, right? Yeah, exactly that to be fair. They're just guessing at the people there's supposed to be shooting and beating up. They're doing a really good job seeing as they can't see shit. He just holds up a tiny little fern plant next to him. Yeah, right. Yeah. So he runs across the street. He goes to go into the restaurant, but dammit. If the restaurant door

doesn't teleport him back to his hotel when he walks through it. And in case grandma didn't understand that, we will have him walk back and forth through this portal for fucking. I was laughing. I was so hot. Yes. This is so fucking funny. Because he like, huh? Okay. I got it. They're all right. Sideway. The answer of my arm goes back. Yes. Okay. Okay.

What about bottom half top half the rice more? Okay. What if I do my sandwich? Now what if I sneak my butt cheeks out of the door and take a shit and my sheening on them? It's on all of us. It's everywhere. Shit.

So yeah. So he gets frustrated. He trashes his own home in rage for his thwarted vengeance. Then he yells at God, right? He starts demanding God explain himself and I'm like, oh, please give us the fucking divine open the doors of his So bad. Oh my God. So bad. I was hoping for where were you when I created the whirlwind. Yeah Yeah, that's the speech that's in the book. Yes. God shows up as a whirlwind and is like,

Oh, you're going to question me. I made the fucking beginning asshole. I beat up Leviathan. Can you beat up Leviathan? Can you beat up a big fish? What do you mean by Leviathan? Is that like a hippo, like a rhino? What are you talking about?

A water dog? Yeah, but instead fucking Satan appears in the room and he's like, oh, I guess that's time for me to do a bad guy monologue and we're like, really? He pulls out his gun and then of course it's Satan. So the gun just disappears from his hand and appears in Satan's hand and he's like, did you, you honestly thought you were going to shoot me the devil with a gun? The fuck is wrong with you? Karate kick. I karate kick you.

Yes. Honestly, if the rest of the movie had just been him trying to surprise attacks, Satan, Prince of Darkness, this might be my favorite film. Pocket said, stop. I don't have eyes. This is not. And he's like, Hey, did Sean Aston give you this gun? He's like, what? No, I made that gun. And so Satan

teleport Sean Aston into the room, who is eating again in the middle of you. He's got a giant thing, a cotton candy or whatever. I don't even know this guy's eating like an ice cream Sunday. But he's doing it both of them like he's trying to do double triple quadruple agent thing all the same time. Right. Right. Sean Astin is. And significantly by the way, Sean denies Kevin three times.

Uh. Which like is he has a different story? Yes. Yes. It's from the different testament. It's a biblical Easter egg. So ham fisted and meaningless to the writers of the Super Mario brothers would have told them to do better. Right. Yeah. The world asher missile is watching the movie seems a little obscure.

Man. Keep it. Keep it. Lenny. Seven new listeners every episode. You know what I'm saying? Yes. You can try a different castle. listeners every episode, you know what I'm saying? You can try a different castle. What I love is that in this scene, right, I don't know why Sean Aston is the, like, comic foil, but he's so much more talented and charming than the other actors that he kind of wrecks the whole scene.

Yes, because they do this bit where he's like, hey, pick up the hotel room. And so in the back of fucking Satan monologue number 97, we've just got Sean Ashton like, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, just slipin' on banana peels and... Yes. Eatin' big hot dogs and floatin' over to pies by his nose. But outside the window, so Satan finishes up his stupid monologue and outside the apartment, they hear like the, the riot cops apparently are at the neighbor's house. That's the, the dad that brought him in for dinner with the daughters and shit that's

saying he can hear the, the riot cops harassing him. So he runs outside. He's like, don't mess with that guy. Take me and the riot cops just shoot that dad anyway. Right away. You got it. Pat so fast. Accidentally fucking hilarious. So then they turn their guns on on Kevin. He runs back into his room, which I like, you were just turning yourself in. I don't know.

Right. I really do it now. Sean askedston get shot to death because he's too dumb to duck, but luckily Kevin hides behind a bulletproof mattress. They make those in a good deal of cotton candy. Yeah. Yeah. Well, clearly, right. He hides behind fucking Sean Aston's chocolate fountain. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, chocolate fountain is so the better. Yeah. So yeah, so he and now okay, I have to admit, I'm watching the movie. I'm looking down at my notes here and there. How did he end up with the shifter watch at this point?

Oh, I'm so excited to tell you this. Are you ready? No, I really live in this moment. He just goes and gets it. I'm pretty sure. No, it's Sean Astins. Sean Astins. Right.

Is the shift shifter. Yes, that's right. Oh, that's right. Yeah, okay. You know how that piece of information makes the rest of this movie make absolutely no fucking sense? Right, it already didn't make sense. And then it made less sense because of their stupid ass reveal.

Yes. Oh, but that's how he has all the food. He's in with the devil. He just keeps shifting in a guy. He's just doing it. He's just having an open air. Yeah. At all times. Yeah. The devil smartwatch to just get door dashed. The whole thing. This all tracks. Yeah.

To be fair, that is also how he would use the TV. Yeah. It's not fair. It's unreal. Is how I use a smartwatch. Yes. Yeah. Doing it right now. So yeah, but so he's got his DVator now and he shifts out of that universe.

First it appears in a desert, but then he shifts again and he appears in the lake from the beginning. Did you guys think to yourselves, hey man, give it a minute. You were in a hell dimension where there's not enough food and you have a terrible cough like maybe walk around a little bit and see what the five years in that universe before you just immediately shipped away. He just like zoops to a lake and he's like, this is wrong zoop. Okay, now I'm in a room. No, this is the wrong color room. Zoop. Yeah. Yeah. A bunch of times the road. And he lands in a mental hospital.

And he's like, this is it. This is the one I nailed it. Well, so in order to have it, good, right? Because like, it's impossible to have suspense when your character can just shift to another dimension at any fucking second, right? So they have to make the shifter like, it's broken and waterlogged, so it's not working correctly. And so he tries to zoop out of this dimension, but he can't, right?

So he's in this asylum. Dr. Sean Aston is in this dimension as well and recognize him. And of course, as we know, Sean Aston is, of course, quote, always packing. So he pulls out his gun. And then a bunch of other Sean Aston's pop out to also shoot at him. He becomes agent Smith. Yep. And yeah, but it's but it's hilarious. But it's hilarious. And all sweaty. I feel like with hot dog fingers in this universe and he's eating him. And he's supposed to be a Smith. And it's so good. And they're all silly looking.

Every single Sean Aston, every intimidating, so-called intimidating Sean Aston is eating a different fucking cotton candy apple or what? What the fuck? Molly Pop like a little kid. It's so good. And that's the thing for whatever reason, just the physicality of Sean Aston is such that the more Sean A Astins are coming after you, the less intimidating they become.

The fun here it is. It also, it sets up basically a Scooby-Doo hallway, Chase. Quite literally. There's literally a head, pokes out, head, pokes in moment at the dramatic finale of this film. And like, yeah, like Pac-Man style running out one side of the screen. Right. Because there's so many. Yeah, it's so fucking dumb. Yeah. So all right. At this point, I wrote in my notes, I've had this dream too. The secret is to suck all their dicks.

I don't know if you guys just all pro tip for the list. There's out there. Yeah, I never got a solution on that one. Yeah. Well, you know, you know, pay attention. No, and a plan I have to go. So but he gets away from the Sean Astins, he comes into this room where Tina, remember Tina only because we made you remember Tina because we insisted that you remember Tina, nobody watching the movie recognize this person, but this is Tina the waitress. She's in this asylum. And even though he's like running away from like eight arm to men at this point He's like well, I should probably have a quick conversation with Tina a Paula. Hey, Tina.

You remember me. Sorry. Um, I was the guy who was like, I don't believe in your powers. And so he sent you to a universe where no one knows you exist. Um, she's how are you? Yeah. Parable. I'm horrible. You're a dick. You're, you're big victory. Didn't even help. Obviously. And now I'm here in a mental hospital. It's

going bad. It's what I'm saying. Yeah. Bad question. Why is she? Because the devil teases this too. He's like, I'm sending her to a dimension where she doesn't exist. Those people end up in mental hospitals. And like, look, maybe it's because I've been on Twitter too often, but I would love to be in a dimension where no one knows. Oh, don't you threaten me with a good time, Ronald DeFrancis or whatever the fuck you're in this. Yeah, but so she starts freaking out. The orderlies come to grab her and Kevin says, this is such a stupid line.

He goes, Hey, we're just having a conversation. We know the fuck you know, she's screaming and throwing shit at you. She's on the table. Yes. And holding you by the ears. She's attempting to remove the ears from your skull. And he's like, we're just having a quick chat. Don't worry about that. Just let her shit in her hand. Let her finish it in her hand. We know in America. I know this America. We don't know what she's going to do with it. Maybe she has something to show me. She doesn't have a pen.

Never a pen. So then we we shifted to his, okay, so he shifts again. His is shifter starts working again. He shifts into his apartment, but a different universe version of him who is watching Netflix with two women at their home, hugged up together with him. Guys, think about the adorableness of the writer who wrote this movie who was like, what is a bad guy doing?

He gets two ladies in the night over his to his place. Probably watches black mirror. I met the old snuggle down under the sofa and it gets even fucking darker blanket. Yeah, one big blanket. It gets even darker than that too. I love it so much because he's like, I'm going to go to the to the kitchen to get a drink. And as he's going to the kitchen, he comes across the other version of him that just shifted in and pulls a gun out, which means that this guy carries a gun from his couch watching black mirror to his refrigerator. You look, you never know when a tickle fight is going to turn down.

Okay. When it's two on one, that's a dangerous situation. No, I was always packing. Always packing. Yes, exactly. You never know. A popcorn fight, right? Someone's at stovetop popcorn person.

You're a microwave popcorn person. You might have to bust a proverbial cap. Yeah, no, I get it. So you both got a gun. And I guess he recognizes this version of, hey, wait a minute. You're the Kevin who Ruth really me, Kevin, even you are saying the Kevin who I'm the Kevin who Ruth really me Kevin even you are saying the Kevin I'm the Kevin who refused. Well, how would he recognize it?

Like all the Kevin's look the same. Yeah. And by the way, Kevin does not go. No, I'm Satan's friend. I'm here to deliver a message. He's just like, yeah, no, you got me. Yeah. You do got me.

Right. So bad. So bad. Him is about to shoot it good. Him but fucking bad guy has a, has teleport powers again. You lay again. You cannot have suspense when your character has a teleport risk band. Right.

Why even have this scene or any more scenes in the movie? It's just like, oh, zoom. Thank you. Right. Now, to be fair, I would have stuck around a little bit for some popcorn and a couple episodes and Netflix. He is starving to death. I feel like, I feel like you make a pit stop to be like, okay, cool. I'm a protagonist doing a different story, but can I just get a sandwich? I've been watching Sean Aston

eat for 90 minutes and I'm fucking starving. I'm fucking starving. I'm full on Shabbat dinner at this point. Okay. I need something. I've had bitter herbs. I feel you're gonna say it. It's crazy. A single slice of apple. I've driven me to all the seven. What a bastard. That's what I've had to eat. Foss.

Briskette. Now. Are Jewish listener loving that? Yeah, right. Narrow cast. Both of them. Horosette. So, okay.

So then he zoops back. He winds up back in the dimension where he got the wrist thing he from in the first place, right? And the EMTs are loading the dad that got shot. They don't want to kill that character off because this movie is a coward. So they have that dad getting loaded into an ambulance, right? And he's watching this and beg her lady. Remember the beginning he was doing good stuff

and beg her lady he gave her? Is this the lady he gave the coin to? Yeah, the coin to, yes. And she's like, hey, there he is. Yes, this is what he's like. She just knocks on him right away. Fuck yeah. He doesn't even get a reward or anything.

Yeah, she's like, here's the good guy, the main character over here. It's the best. Yeah. So he runs luckily the the riot cops, they chase him, but they walk while he's running. So how have time to get ahead? They want to give them a head start. Yeah, obviously they're doing ominous robot march because I think the cops in this movie were not sure if they were robots. cops in this movie were not sure if they were robots. Right. Yeah, honestly, I wasn't either. But yeah, so he runs to the Vica theater, right? So he needs to get into strapped out into the weird silly dentist chair.

Okay. Clear. In his head, this character's head, he's thinking to himself, all right, I got the zoop watch. If I go and like point it at a movie, it'll zoop me to that timeline of the multiverse because it saw the movie. Well, we established earlier that if he can pull his Molly up again, Russo can get the dimensional coordinates for him. Oh, it is the dimensional coordinates. Yeah, right. Now, that doesn't matter though, because like, Russo doesn't have a chance

to communicate those to Kevin before he zoops. So it still doesn't make sense. They like, they try a hand waving explanation and to miss. They try to wave their hands and they miss. But yes. Also, it's a random movie generator. Right, but, but, but God can perform miracles and make exactly the right thing come up

and exactly the right time. Oh, right, the God of the universe is allowed to cheat on his bar bets. Yeah, exactly. The role of the story. Yeah, but only a little bit. Yeah. Just a little cheat. I'm kind of take away one draft pick next year.

It's fine. But, and again, no fucking suspense here, right? Because the riot cops come in and he zoops himself at the last possible second to another dimension. This one where Molly is out shopping with her friends and he's gonna go up and do like a drunk dial, but in person. My, my hello, hello today.

I just want you to know. Hey, yeah, I want you know, there's one thing that would ever always be to see you see me doing the finger wine thing just, uh, wait, sorry. No, here's what I'm saying. Our kid died. What? Because you weren't looking. He's what that's cool. No, here's what I mean. I'm calling the... Are you okay? No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. There's a fucking mall cop going like,

hey, man, I'm pretty sure you're harassing. He's like, I was just across the room and it's so clear that she doesn't want you here that I felt the need to come up and get you to leave. Sir, I'm gonna let you finish your dramatic monologue because I understand a third act when I see one. Okay, I'm listening to file, but... Butologue because I understand a third act when I see one. Okay, I'm gonna send a file, but be assured that the hands are going to be thrown as soon

as you are done. Yes. You make me want to be a better man. That's what I recommend. Yes. Yeah, but she's just like, Hey, I've moved on. You've moved on. What the fuck are you even doing in this dimension?

And just then the mall cop turns into Neomick done a Satan and teleports Kevin back to the theater that he just teleported away from. Yeah. So and then Satan teleports in Tina in her asylum clothes. Who is Tina? Are you remember Tina? She, um, well, you saw her at the beginning and then she tried to rip off your ears and now she's here. She's the megaven. She a little steak and eggs.

And I also can force choke her for some. But only her. I don't know why. Yeah. Can I just say, Hey, I really appreciate Tina's performance. No small parts. She did not fully commit to the force choke. No, no. Right. They were like, and he's forced choking you. And she was like, I, I, there are some videos of me on the internet pretend into choke. And I don't want to enjoy.

I don't want the algorithm to pick up. So yeah. And of course, Satan's doing his like 97th monologue at this point. He's like, you know, you go around here doing a bunch of good deeds, thinking that that makes you a good person. And I'm like, well, no, he's Christian. So no, no, Christian. That's not that. Also, I don't remember the part where Joe bed to choose between Dina and his wife. Right. Well, and then he offers this ultimatum. He's like, I'll tell you what, I will either put you back in the universe with Molly that you were just in so that you can like reconcile with her. We're slaying it by the way. Right.

Right. Go in great. Oh, you're weeping in front of a synopot. Or I will put Tina back and her parents will know what happened to her and she can like, you know, burden them with her mental illness or whatever it is. And like, that's what he's, that's the conversation he's having. I'm not going to try to say a mental illnesses. No, actually, no always says that when there's a mentally ill person,

but that's actually what it is. A satan character. Oh, God, another mentally ill burden in my right, everyone. No illusions. So he's having trouble deciding for a second. Mm-hmm. But I think a cat related thing happens and it helps him decide. Fuck yeah. So Satan brings up the problem of evil. He's like, if your god is so good, wise, they're evil in the universe and just then Rousseau's cat shows up. Now,

they're indoors, right? Like they're not outside, but so who the fuck knows where the cat came from, but the cat's back. And that makes Kevin realize that there's also good in the world, which is easier to see because of all the bad and therefore problem of evil solved. So, did the devil just do a tiny little like like I'm gonna put this cat into a different universe to fuck with Russo or did God do that? I think God did a run that was God reaching down. God stole a cat for like at least four years. For four fucking years, yes.

What was that cat doing the whole time just hanging out, clawing at clouds, walking around. Everyone's in robes. So you know, he has plenty of places to play. Just knocking shit off the counter in heaven. Yeah. Oh, God. I'm sorry. I would let you sit at my right hand like I promised, but

Mittens is fair. You don't need to see a body. You suddenly, you suddenly, you get your hands back into right hand. Don't try to pet him. He's one of those cats that kind of sucks. But I like him. And he knows I'm in the house. It goes good for a't try to pet him. He's one of those cats that kind of sucks, but I like him. And he knows I'm in the house. It goes good for a second. The panic. It does. It's good. This is trap, though. Look at the little peets. Huh?

And now look at the little peets on Tina. Where you a big peak person like he's And they bat listeners, that's probably a call back to something I cut from earlier in the show. No, I will stand behind you with the sword like you're committing. Seppocule, jogge peets stays in there. So yeah, uncut, raw. But apparently this movie feels like it's just nailed the problem of evil. Good is easier to see against a backdrop of bad, which is a sufficient reason for God to murder babies with cancer.

Right. Yeah. So then Kevin decides ultimately that he'll send Tina back instead of getting what he wants because of his infinite hoodness. instead of getting what he wants because of his infinite hoodness. And then the devil freaks out, because you didn't see that coming. And he's like, fuck, seriously? You're, where's my devil gun?

And he doesn't have a gun. So he's like, I got a soup. John asked him in here. And he soups John asked him to grab a gun. Well, because John Eston's always packing. Always packing. Yeah, obviously he's there with a lobster bib, you know Some crab crackers. Oh, did you need a gun? Yeah, sure. Here you go

Do you mind putting me back there doing on I was in a universe where they're doing unlimited shrimp at a yeah, no, red lobster So there's a ton of money on the deal sure. Yes yes, that we are. I got sick. I am very sick. So yeah, so Satan goes to shoot him, but just then God holy lights him away. Right. And then we joked, quote, our way into him coming to, on the floor of a bar bathroom, but don't worry, it's a classy bar. He gets it. He gets it. Yeah.

The walls aren't all fucked up and everything's not gray or seepia. And he's like, oh, am I somewhere good, maybe? Yeah. And he walks out and he sees Molly at the bar at the bar where they met. Now, this movie had an opportunity for some genuine good humor here, right? Because he comes up thinking it's his mullet. He tries to do an inside joke, but it's not his mullet. This is a mullet that's never met him in some other dimension. And that would have actually been funny, except that they had this actress for reasons that we are not privy to openly weeping at the bar.

Like, like someone she loved just died. They don't explain why it's, I think it's just there to undercut the humor of the moment. Yeah, it never gets explained. She just like, at one point, she mentions that she's a nurse in this scene, but like, I think that was supposed to be the explanation, just like, I'm a nurse. Oh, yeah, sure. So you come to a bar to weep for a couple hours. Yeah, right. I get it. Yeah. So it's 2020 in this dimension. When he walks up, I wanted her to be like, do you just take a shit for a while and then come right over to me? Yeah. Well, he woke up on a

bathroom floor. How is this guy going to smell? Yeah. But yeah, but apparently this is the universe where she's a single mom with a daughter that he saw earlier. Daughter replacement kid. Just good. And just then her daughter calls her on her cell phone because before she goes to bed tonight, she wants to hear mom sing this little light of mine. Right. That's a callback. Which would be cute, except she's in the middle of redriiting him. She's like, hey, I don't know what you think. Sorry, one second.

Oh, you're gonna take the phone. And the poopsy spooopsy spine. You're thinking on the flower. Anyways, I don't know what you think. Sorry, one second. Oh, you're gonna take a photo. And the poopsy spooopssy spine. They're dancing on the flower. Anyways, I don't want to fuck you. Right, yeah. And so she gets off the phone and he's like, Oh, you know, our son, my son's name was Daniel, but he's dead.

Your kid's alive. That sounds way better. And she's like, no, it is better. It is better. I bet you got one of those kid leashes for her, huh? Just, you know, can't help but notice that you were a little more careful with the daughter and you would be with the son. Oh, but just be clear.

Oh, I need someone to do my shopping with. Just to be clear, God sent him to a timeline where his son is still stolen and killed. And he's aware of it. Well, no, his son doesn't exist. To be fair, his son doesn't exist and to be fair his son doesn't exist This is their meat cute. He talks about missa. He says it again in this universe Right in the other dimension. Yeah, right. He just gives up on his son who has just been banned to a random dimension and Exile to insanity. We never go back to that because fucking he got fucked to death by a pedophile

And that's why Satan can't get him. It's very cool. Okay. That's much better. Thank you. And God made sure to implant that information into Kevin's head for this universe, though. So yeah, it was all of that. Right. Right. So he knows not to keep looking. Yeah. But so he offers to buy Molly T. And then we flash forward to them being married and happy in him having a unofficial stepdad relationship with her child. Really wanted them to flash cuts to them in bed for the first time and she's like, I'm really into piece stuff and he just starts rapidly tapping at the TV.

No, no. I'll go back to the universe with the beans. Also, so now I have so many logistical questions, right? Because he just appeared in this dimension. This is not his dimension. So isn't there a him already in that dimension? Great question. And if not, like he doesn't have a driver's license, he doesn't have a social security

number, doesn't have a home, a job, like what's going on? Like I want to see that part of the movie. Trust every so often he has to murder another one of himself that keeps happening. His grandma starts to talk about a memory. He's got a shooter in the face. God damn, it's really hard to stay consistent. Damn. But yeah, but now he's married. It lives happily ever after. The closing line of the movie as he goes,

this is not my world, but it is my home. And I'm like, yeah, close on something relatable, guys. What the fuck is that? How fucking terrifying an insight into someone's mind is it that it's like, well, I guess a happy ending would be to like not spend the rest of your life with the woman and child you love, but things that look close enough to the right. Yes, right. But similar analogs of school with that right now, if you knew that you were banished

to a universe where the woman you were now married to wasn't the woman you knew and fell in love with, but looked like you're right. Right. Kind of. You be like sweet, sweet, sweet. Yeah. No, this is the even, even money. Normal. Okay. And be like sweet, sweet, sweet. Yeah. No, this is even, even money, normal. Okay.

And then, of course, the credit started. This is from Angel Studios, the people who brought us sounds of freedom and shit. So obviously, there's going to be a part at the end now where the director comes in and tries to talk us into buying more tickets for the movie. We just watched. Mm-hmm. Right. I didn't watch this part.

And here's why, because at the very bottom, it says, you know, special announcement in and then there's like a Timer two minute countdown. It was rough. Okay. So here's the thing is that in my theater the actual countdown was cut off On at the bottom of the screen so all I saw was special message and then there was a colon and I just sat there for like a minute and a half going Like it takes too long. I know what he's going to say. He's going to try to tell me to buy more fucking day. I can see the fucking barren wasteland of empty seats around me. I know you need more money, but fuck you.

And so I just wrote he asks for more money and then I. Oh, he sure does. It's worth sure. That's though. Isn't. So he he comes on the screen and he's like, so this whole movie, the moral, the story, the moral, the story of Job and what we did here, the point is doing a small kindness for a poor person, for example, is the moral.

That's what you can do that all over the place. For example, buying a poor person a move, buying them a ticket to this movie. This movie, pay it forward in this movie tickets. Yeah. That's so bad. That's so bad for so many reasons, not the least of which is that that is not the moral of either this movie or the book of the story of drug. No, it's not, but it did give me a brilliant idea podcast listener because one of the things

that we have always struggled with here in God of all movies is not wanting to give our movie makers money for their terrible things. So please go to the Angel Studios website and sign up to be their free ticket recipients because nothing makes me happier than the idea of everyone who gets a free ticket to their future endeavors being our list. I definitely blocked a few sound of freedom. I'll do it again with this one too. Yeah, yeah. No, fuck yeah. Get it out there.

All right. Well, I guess that's going to do it for our review of the ship. That's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to turn back into this storm. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well, Moa, we are well into what was supposed to be this year's Christmasacular. I had a lovely pro-child abuse Christmas movie

planned for us next week. Oh, Jesus. But then a claxon sounded. An alarm rang and our wrist communicators buzzed as the stars vanished from the sky because Ben Shapiro has made a transferphobic comedy called Ladyballers. Oh god damn. And I'll be damned if I'm not going to be the first to tell everyone it sucks. All right. Yeah. So I knew we have to. I got it. I didn't want to, but we have to. So with that

to look forward to, we're going to bring up episode 432 to a merciful clothes. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you'd like to get something on their ranks, you can make a pre-episode donation of patreon.com.com. So I got off them and they're probably going to be an access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five star review on by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. If you enjoyed this show, be sure to check our sibling shows and scaling a the ascitation needed DNA minus and the sketch card available wherever podcast live. If you have questions, comments, just in a message session,

you can email Godoffembeavesinchimel.com, Tim and Robert St. Dexcarver social media, our theme song was written and performed by Rice, Lightning, Voderaf, Sun Mars, all the other music was written and performed by our audio and she went to your Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check in your life this week for Heathen, right, Neil Iboz, the common illusions, problems to work hard

to earn another chunk next week and tell then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Tina has really bad PTSD, and the secret Christian kids don't have a dad. Yeah? Sean Aston wondered why the fuck there wasn't a Goonies 2 already. Yes. Kevin wasn't so fucking careless with his second set of kids.

Ha ha! Get a backpack. Jesus, idiots. I'm just saying! Nope. Get an apple pack. Get a backpack. Jesus, idiots. I'm just saying! No! Get an Apple Pay. The proceeding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstrome LLC Copyright 2023. All rights reserved.