God Awful Movies - 437: Fire Maidens of Outer Space

Episode Date: January 2, 2024

This week, you see what happens when Eli is given too much freedom in selecting the movie. --- To get tickets to see us live in Orlando, click here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-orlando-florida-tickets-778242784117 --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

I like that he says I have a million questions, but I can only think of one. And I was like, see, see, of one, right? I don't think you can do any questions then. If you can't think of something, you don't have it in your brain. That's not a good question. Think, yeah. I have a million questions. Here's the one I can think of, but here's the one I can't think of.

Here! Right. Space questions. Here's the one I could think of but here's the one I can't think of Space questions, nothing turnerskipping in Not awful movie OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE Miles to my immediate leftism, a good friend, Heath, and right, Heath. Welcome back. This movie is perfect. It is. The perfect motion picture. 30 second episode, everybody. Get out in the watch, firemaid and stuff. What a way to start the fucking year.

Yes. And sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnichela. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? Complete. No, a hole as a man. Ready, willing, able. Turns out this whole time you've had a this movie's shaped hole in your heart and you didn't even know it.

So tell us Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched Fire Maidens of Outer Space. Fuck yeah, we did. It's the story of a guy with a really big kink for polygamist alien cults, furry fandom, voyeurism and giving himself roofies. And he made an almost porn about it. I have a theory. I have a theory.

It's so close. Okay, here's my theory. And we can make this a game as we go. I think he made a porn and then subtracted the porn out to make a movie in 1956. Okay. Like he sat down with his legal representation and they were like, okay, so here's the permits and stuff and you know, you're a pornographer now and he was like, oh, fuck, shit. No, it's fine.

It's like nine minutes of my dick to cut out and it'll just be a bad movie. Yeah, but there's like vestigial moments where like if there was a porn being shot right next to these actors moments ago, a lot more makes sense to me. Sure. Yeah. No, I'm excited to like follow that thread throughout the reveal and Eli. How bad was this movie? Well, if you love the schlocky space adventures of the 40s and 50s, but you got distracted part of the way through your writing by your 12 year old boner, you will love this move happens to the best of us. I don't know if anyone else can relate to this, but there's this golden age when you don't know anything about sex yet, but your body is like, I want it.

That's what wrote this movie. The part that's like, I want to run on a girl and then like punch and then she punches and then we're both super sands. I think that's what it is. So the golden age you're describing. Yeah, the golden age. I get it. Yeah. Yeah. No, no, so look okay of all the movies

We have ever watched for this show. This is the one that it's hardest to believe was not parody Yep, right like it was so fucking bad and so many glorious ways that so often I was like and they really did this in earnest and I was like, and they really did this in earnest. That guy was trying so was it sigh, Ross? On purpose, you say. Yeah. Trying so hard. All right, so is there anything you want to nominate?

This one for being the best at being the worst at? I'm going to go with best worst spaceship controls. Which were hilarious. So first of all, the spaceship, the rocket has a steering wheel. Yes, sir. Like, we watch a guy, they're in space and he's just like doing the mime of the, he's like moving back and forth, doing the steering wheel. So I don't, I don't know a lot. I don't think that's how we're, no, do they have steering wheels? I feel like they don't, right? I mean, they, they have thrusters that can be controlled by like a steering wheel.

You could make it. Right. Yeah, exactly. But no, you don't make little adjustments like you do and you're on the fucking. Like, oh, okay. No, we're good. Oh, no.

Okay, that's a plastic bag, but maybe it has something hard inside it. Yeah, right. Where's my strap? I'll strap. Yeah. You're drifting lanes getting beeped at by the guy behind you. But it's not just the steering wheel. No, no, there's more to it. Yeah. You're drifting lanes getting beeped at by the guy behind you, but it's not just the steering wheel.

No, no, there's more to it than that. There's only slightly more. The entire spaceship and everything it does is controlled by either a steering wheel for, you know, steering or two pianists. Levers for literally everything else that are next to each other and between those two up and down levers, you can do everything in space travel. Yeah, every single system on this ship. What do we say, levers, Heath, or what do we say, Heath?

I would say like Gen 1 video games from Noah's collection controllers. Yes, exactly. Noah should be holding these levers and being like, and you have to understand how advanced these were for the time. There's a punch card. So I feel like my best worst is sort of an extension of yours. Heath, I was gonna go with best worst space exploration equipment. All right, so this is the first manned All right, so this is the first manned admission to another planet that we're seeing here and they have Equipped themselves the way that I might for a day of bird watching, right? Yeah, but not one that like was hot or cold When you say bird watching you mean a Polaroid camera and a holstered gun. Well, binoculars and a gun. Yes, a binoculars for

boilers and and a fucking guns. Yeah, well, your astronauts have to be armed now. Don't they? Obviously. Yeah. And of course, I'm going to take the easy one. I'm going to go with best worst sexually predatory side character. Anderson. My friends Anderson, the greatest character in all of fiction, literature, cinema, film, whatever you choose to choose as your genre, will do literally nothing except be like, oh, fuck that. In 1950s voice, the entire, I kept waiting. I get what I'd be like, well, this situation surely when it's Anderson's turn to talk, he will not just mention that he would like to fuck something woman shaped, but everything, no matter what's happening or why or when he is single-minded, it's beautiful.

Yep. So, all right, we'll tell you what, before we get started, we need to dial up our magnospheres and calibrate our globtometers. So we're going to take a quick break, But when we come back, we'll dive into all the no budget bullshit that he is. Fire maidens of outer space. Keith, come on. My answer is final. Guys, guys, come on. It's time to start the record. What are you doing? Keith won't start the record until we offer him free breakfast for life. Or any other commensurate course.

You're making it sound unreasonable. All right, I know I'm going to regret asking this, but why? Because of Hello Fresh. What's Hello Fresh? You know the first point of the year. You bet. Really? With Hello Fresh, you get Farm Fresh, pre-portioned ingredients, and seasonal recipes

delivered right to your doorstep. Skip trips to the grocery store and count on Hello Fresh, you get Farm Fresh, pre-portioned ingredients, and seasonal recipes delivered right to your doorstep. Skip trips to the grocery store and count on Hello Fresh to make home cooking easy, fun, and affordable. That's why it's America's number one meal kit. And now, all subscribers get a free breakfast for life. That means you'll enjoy a totally free breakfast item with every single Hello Fresh delivery. Yeah.

And if Hello Fresh will do that for me, it's the least that you two could do. I see. But I don't know, Eli, does delivery boxes have enough variety? They sure do. Dig into their biggest menu yet this year with over 45 dinner options to choose from weekly and even more market add-on items that suit any lifestyle. But Heath, have you actually tried Hello Fresh or are you just in it for the free breakfast? I sure have tried it. I was a Hello Fresh customer even before they were a sponsor. I love how the meal is unpacked into the fridge in seconds and then I can stop and start my deliveries

on my schedule. All right, guys, I'm sold. Where do I sign up? Go to HelloFresh.com slash awful free and use code awful free for free breakfast for life. One breakfast item per box while subscription is active. That's free breakfast for life at hellofresh.com slash awful free with code awful free. Okay. Well, Heath, you can have my free breakfast. Will you show up to do the show now? Um, is Eli getting a free breakfast too? Uh, no. Then yes. Okay. Nice. Sweet.

All right, fellas, it's time for us to make our big space adventure picture. So what do you think? Well, you fellas know how Jupiter's 13th moon is partially obscured by dust clouds. Uh sure. Yeah, I guess. Well, what if it would turn out, that was because it was an earth like planet and earthlings went there. Say that's not bad. And when they get there, everyone is a real hot game. How would that be possible? I don't know. They flew there from Atlantis. Okay, that's incredibly stupid.

You feel happy? Bill, we said yes to your boring idea about planets or whatever. Let Mike say his piece. Thank you. Anyway, hot games, all of them. And lusting for the flesh of Earthmen, desperate for the Earthmen, their flesh, needing it. You know what I'm saying?

Like, yawning it. Okay, that's, that's not a plot. You didn't describe a plot. I, I don't know. I, I actually kind of like it. Well, thank you. Also though, I'm not done. Also, there's a, a, a know, no, I actually kind of like it. Well, thank you. Also though, I'm not done. Also, there's a creature just watching,

watching and lusting as well, but never able to touch. Oh no, no, no matter how much he wants to touch, he can only watch me and the space ladies only watch. Okay, now I'm in. Yeah, me too. It's bad now I'm in. Yeah, me too. It's bad. No, it is.

And we're back for the breakdown. We're going to start off in Los Alamos, New Mexico, but don't worry, we're not going to be there for multiple seconds or anything. No, no Mexico. No, wait, never mind. New York. And we're not going to New York. So this is so fucking silly.

So we start off with this stock footage of an airplane taking off. It says Los Alamos, New Mexico, then we see the same plane over New York. And it's like New York City. And then the plane lands ultimately in London. Wait, no, three hour layover. Now, shit, I don't know why we put this in the movie. This is the film version of shitting your pants at the beginning of your lyrical dance routine. Like, not enough.

So yeah, so that, but we get credits, we get opening credits over the airplane. They don't have enough airplane footage to finish the credits so they start looping in at a certain point, hoping we won't notice. They do. They also warn us that all characters in space are fictitious and I wrote in my notes. I They also warn us that all characters in space are fictitious

and I wrote in my notes. I mean, not not all characters. Oh, yours, maybe. I like the music was just telling me like aeroplanes like the music and it kind of fit. The rest of music makes no sense ever for the rest of the movie. Right. I was like, okay. Yeah. But podcast listener, we get a cut inside the airplane for a second. Did you see how fucking luxurious airplane used to be? The fucking love seat that the guy's sitting on? Four seats on the entire plane. Each one the size of a goddamn lazy boy.

Well, everyone's just smoking into the face of a baby. He was a better time. Well, that's the thing. Just as I'm writing in my notes, like man, air travel back then looks really good. Then the dude lights a cigarette and I'm like, oh, right, right. Yeah. Yeah. He also shows the cockpit and there's like three pilots in there and like co co co pilot

seems to be hand cranking the airplane with some sort of divine. Yeah, no, they had to do the after utter by hand. I did not know about. Yeah. So then we get this hyperchingoistic opening narration overall with this right where it's like in the interest of peace for all mankind, the two greatest nations in the world, the United States and the United Kingdom have come together for a secret outer space plan. All right. Yeah. This is plan 13 to explore outer space. Possibly worse than plan nine from outer space. Yeah, maybe as much as four times. It's right. It's right there. Well, four. Same thing occasionally. So eventually we watch the plane land, right? So that we'll know how that dude got to the ground later. Cause we're on the ground. Yeah. We have our

main character Luther Blair. He's the one who's been on this plane the whole time. He debords the plane right onto the fucking tarmac. And he's picked up at the London airport. We know that it's the London airport because there's a very large sign that just says London airport that we pan away from. Yeah. Fuck boss. We used up our entire movie's budget on walking around that park, which will make up the rest of the entire fucking movie. What do we do for London airport? Just run a big sign on the cardboard that says London Airport. It'll be great. And the pants over to very much not an airport. No, it's like a fucking library. It's my library is what it is. New Jersey. Some guy shows up to pick him up and he's like, hello, found a spot right at the front of London Heathrow. That's where I parked which is a small house as you can see. Let's go. Yeah, as you can see, let's go. As you can see, it's a two family home and two plex here, this London. You want to drive

on roads for a while now? Yeah, they will. So many shots of them driving. We watch everything for so long, but there are four different like they show up from the left and drive to the right shots. It's like a Mario level at a certain, well, you know, at this time you had to let everyone jump out of their seats because they thought the car was coming for them and then it's settled back in when they realized it wasn't. God. And we're in the UK. You want to settle us in on the drive the crazy wrong side stuff. I sure, obviously, I've got ease our way into it. So yeah, but ultimately they arrive in an observatory. So we go, they go into the

telescope. Guys looking through the telescope. It's the middle of the fucking day, right? So I want them to take his eye back and it's just on fire, right? That's nothing. I just now realized you can't do that. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. That does, that all tracks question. Can they not get a little bendy part for the eyepiece so that you don't actually have to like look directly up? Mombones to the- He's trying to look as straight up, he's gonna hold neck, create up, yeah man.

They have mirrors. That's what I, okay. I was like, I don't know the signs of this, but I feel like a mirror would do it, right? Just handle it. I feel like someone figured that out along the lines. Yeah, but fuck yeah, when the part of space exploration was just a guy going, okay, so here's what I'm fucking seeing.

And everyone was like, yeah, we're doing science together. All right, here we go. No computers or impartial data reading needed. They light a cigarette in the middle. The one guy lights a cigarette and I'm just like, oh God, in front of the telescope, the other guy lights a cigarette and I'm just like, oh god in front of the telescope The other guy lights a pipe. I'm like, ah fuck. I wanted someone to descend from the ceiling just hot box inside a space helmet Oh, okay

You're all gonna die and also we're in an actual observatory, right? Obviously and it is so poorly mic'd and echoey and loud, you can hear traffic driving by outside. Fucking rules. Also, there's just this great moment where he goes, they're talking about the space thing, right? Because they're going to go to this place in Chupin or any goes. Did you check the colors? The guy holds up. What I eventually realized with the spectrograph, but a solid minute of me just being like, this ruler. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, it's two rulers. Yes. Two rulers. They each have their own ruler. Yeah. Ruler colors are correct for space. I don't know. Yeah.

So, but now what they found here, what they're discussing is that they've discovered the 13th moon of Jupiter. God, that sounds so quaint. We have 95 in counting now. But back then, they only knew about 12 of them. So they're like, we found a 13th moon of Jupiter. God, that sounds so quaint. We have 95 in counting now. But back then, they only know about 12 of them. So they're like, we found a 13th moon of Jupiter. Now, that would be lead. It's a diameter of 13.5. Most doesn't really work for this movie, but they didn't know that. We'll be fair long tail. Long tail. But they, but they found this 13th moon

of Jupiter that looks an awful lot like earth. So they check the spectrographs and they're like, Hey, it looks like we could go there. You think you could be ready to go in a week. Yeah. Yeah. One of them is like, yeah, that's about that's a proper amount of time to set up for a space mission to Jupiter. A week. Yeah. No problem. Yeah. He's like, what's the best time to leave? The other guys like, hold on. Let me track the typewriter. And he's like, click, click, click, click one week nailed it. So there was some sort of math in that typewriter, I guess. Yep, yep. And then they announced that it'll be three weeks in space.

Yes. Again, I don't know my astronomy, but I feel like that's a low for any of the planets. Three weeks feels low. The closest planet. Yes, Jupiter. Definitely more than a three week travel time. Yeah, no, that's, I feel like that's about 28 times as fast as we can get to Jupiter today for a fly bite, right? Like, if you wanted to slow down enough to stop, it would be a hell of a lot longer than that.

slam a robot into its surface. Yeah, we could do that. 28 times. There are three weeks. Yeah, exactly. Also, they very casually suggest he's like, yeah, no, let's go check it out. It's only a fucking fortnight long trip. Why not? And he goes, yeah, there could be humans on that planet. And I wrote my notes, I mean, not humans, right? And, and I would just like to say for the record, now I will be incorrect. Yeah.

You are on that to go on that planet. I was like, so like humans who snuck out and yes, it turns out that's the plot later. So get ready for that. And then we get the single funniest thing in the history of film. I know I've said that before, but I take all of those times back because this is where he buzzes for his assistant. That's the best. She walks in for the rest of the movie, the rest of the film.

It is insane. This is the part that was so hard to believe was a parody, right? Because what happens is he buzzes the secretary and she comes in, she takes a note and then she leaves. This takes seven and a half goddamn minutes. We watch her walk and then we watch her drag a chair and to play so many obstacles. There's a piece to push a minute. We watch her walk and then we watch her drag a chair and to play. So many obstacles. There's a piece to push a bug enter of. There's a padlock on the chair to sit me. And that this was only as small as seven and a half minutes because when he buzzes for her,

she's right fucking there. So she's like, come on, man, I'm right. Yeah. I've been understanding on this catwalk. You told me to just stand on this catwalk and wait for a buzz. I don't know. I've been telling you, you just look at me and say, come here and I'll do that. I'll take notes or whatever. It's so silly. And we watched her come down for seven and a half minutes. Finally, she makes her way down. Everyone's 36 years older. And he's like, take a letter. We're going to space. Yes. It's the 19 fucking words. I went back and countered. It was 19 words. He had to say to her and I'm like, the whole time I'm like, please tell me she walks all the way back up there and we watch. Please tell and they do. She's seven and a half minutes back

up. She goes up there. She assembles an IKEA desk on the background, but she doesn't have the Alan wrench. She's using a fingernail to do it. Just to walk back down. Forge and Alan wrench. This is the best part. So the reason we watch her walk away is so that one of the scientists can make a lured comment about her because she's a woman in this movie. But we watch the sexual energy dissipate, right?

Because what's supposed to happen is she walks out of the room, click, click, click, click, click, click, you think that Jupiter later is, it'll be as hot as that one, but what actually happens is click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, later, he's like, so you think that Yeah, people People be as hot as we say she's like three feet away still I can't do the fucking Just I know there's sexual harassment cultures pretty normalized, but she's just looking

into my eyes right now We should also point out that this is Higgins, right? So this is Blair and Higgins. Higgins at this point seems to be thinking he should have a British accent. He will stop thinking that very soon. So all right. Now we're going to cut to stock footage of the V2 rocket. We'll be getting plenty of use out of that. We cut to the ship's interior where we've got Blair Higgins and three other guys in white coveralls. White coveralls, fucking open office plan in this spaceship. They really have room to walk around. Let me tell you.

Ping pong table. It's nice. Yeah. No. And then the guy says, let's, all right, everybody, let's synchronize our space watches. Okay. This was almost my best worst that they just sang space, everything, space objects. Yeah. It's the best lunch. Yeah.

I would like space travel not to start the same way as our podcast with a five count. I think it's more than they have. And then he goes, everybody ready to go and they go, yep, and that's fucking it. I wrote my notes. I need you guys to be sharing so much more information than are you ready? Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. But ultimately, is good enough. So Blair tells the table Dildo that they're ready to take off. Yeah. They respond. We're going to count in in one minute. And I wanted one guy to be like, well, technically, then you're already counting. Shut the they respond, we're gonna count in in one minute and I wanted one guy to be like, well, technically, then you're already counting. Shut the fuck up, Myron. Okay,

you know what we meant. We watched, they're like, we'll start the count down in a minute and we just watch a minute take off of a clock. I thought maybe you guys had stuff to do. The movie like forgot that they could just start where everything what it was like. We're it's okay. It's going to be 90 seconds before I even start. Okay. Count a minute. That's fine. How long could a minute just everybody wait. Possibly. I want to buzz just Janet down. Well, she's not going to make it in a minute. I'll rock it. We'll be in space by the time she fucking sits down here. We should have just started counting it 70 seconds. Well, that would have been stupid. Now, okay, I see why we did it. So you know, you do 60 and then you're like 70 again

or 50 and you forget. Right. You know, is it 10? You want to be exact right? We get you down. We set, we synced our space watches and everything. Yeah, but ultimately they do get to the 10 count. The guy counts down to 10 pretty fucking quick. He seems to be in a hurry. He knew that minute weight was too long and not so stressful. Yeah. And then they launch. We get a lot of stock footage of the V2 rocket, which is honestly the most interesting thing in the movie. I'm not going to complain about that. Feels like cheating to take a 1965 audience and be like, huh? Remember, we fire rockets into space sometimes now. Right. It's the one we like stole from the Germans after the war.

Yes. Yeah. Sure is. Cool. They weren't using it. Cool, cool, cool. No. So then we get a belated establishing shot of mission control, right?

We're apparently at the American British astronomical station in England. Again, a very large sign informs us of this. We cut inside. We see, I'm sorry, this is such a weird thing to bring up, but I am fascinated by the Coke machine that they walk by. The Coke machine, that can't have been an official sponsorship, right? Probably not. Probably not.

Firemaid and Zavada Spaters like him, he out. So the real star of this movie is sexual harassment But a close second is big fucking science and what if I told you we would write have a coke and just have it be at the center of a shot In a way you could never really think about anything and everything ever else again I promise it's just me you thinking have a coke the only thing that got more product placement was Chesterfield cigarettes Well, yeah, that. And Coca-Cola. But yeah, so the past this coke machine go into the mission control room and learn that the launch was successful. Then we cut to the ship in outer space. And I love this so goddamn much. Blair turns to the other guys and he's like, well,

there's the earth. And we look out the window and we see earth. And I'm like, yeah, man, and he's like, well, there's the earth. And we look out the window and we see earth and I'm like, yeah, man, they all knew what that was. That's it. And one guy goes, I've always wanted to see the earth from space. And you see this beautiful moment where like, someone very clearly thought it was their turn to talk,

but there's nothing to say to that. And so the rest of the cast are just like, yeah, no, I think everyone likes somebody would say in space. And then they passed the moon, right? They passed it's been a minute. I did the math on this. They're going about 17 million miles an hour. Oh, yeah. No, they really also based on the shadows, they're headed directly for the sun right now at Mont 22,164. But don't worry, it's about to get exciting because at this point, they start passing through an asteroid field and watching 1956 asteroid graphics.

That's interesting for a good three minutes, right? We can get three minutes out of that. Yeah. Well, we aren't about the magnetic gyro. Yes. You get out of that on during an asteroid attack. And if you're wondering, there's two levers that control literally everything on the spaceship. Yep. Both levers down is magnetic gyro on. Yes. Right. But all the way down, if it's if they're partway down, we'll find out later, that's landing. But yeah, then you're just slowing yourself down and not getting to the sun as quickly because Jupiter's on the other side. You have to go past the sun as the most route. But both down for magnetic gyro. Yeah, even though we did establish that Jupiter's moon was at

paragory earlier, it doesn't don't they didn't know that word. So. And I, I know that they probably meant gyro in, in terms of gyroscope, but I was picturing a large magnetic delicious Greek meat sandwich. Um, and they can't make me stop legally. They cannot make me stop. So. But yeah, so we watched the asteroids for why the fuck in a while, and then we just don't anymore, they're done, right? Because they're, they're like, oh, here comes an asteroid field speed up. And they do anymore, they're done, right? Because they're like, oh, here comes an asteroid field speed up. And they do, and they're fine.

Yeah, it's like watching little kids play. You're watching little kids play space man, and they're like, oh no, you come to. Should have done a three-act structure. Yeah. Also, you guys know how to do a Harold? Yes. Also, at one point, one of the guys, they're like, ah, the ice is unbreakable. And then apropos of nothing, one of the guys who has not spoken yet just very loudly announces to the entire room, the ice machine is like my wife.

And you sort of hear everyone be like, yeah, Larry, we know. All right. What? Cold. She's cold. Get it? Cold.

Like I turn. No, yeah, we get it, man. All right. Well, after that thrilling asteroid scene, I feel like everybody needs a minute to let their heart rate return to normal. So we're going to pause for a quick break, but we'll be back in a flash with even more fire maidens of outer space. I don't know why you're even bothering. I'll show you. Hey, Heath, what's all the racket?

Who's this? Oh, hey Noah, this is bitter, Betty. Bitter, Betty? Yep, bitter, Betty. I'm here to tell Heath that his new year's goal of getting into better shape ain't gonna happen. You don't know, I'm gonna. Oh, I know, I know. You see, it's spiked like this.

It's gonna drive me forward, I think. Well, Heath, if you're looking to feel better and exercise more in the new year, why not try Fitbot? What's Fitbot? A lot. Second point of the year goes to bitter Betty. That's right, eat it. You eat it. FitBot is a fitness app that creates completely personalized workouts

that adapt as you improve. Whether you're a seasoned gym goer or just starting your fitness journey, FitBot will push you to make progress. It's like having your own personal trainer put better. It's cheaper, you can work out from anywhere with or without equipment, and it's easy to build a custom fitness plan that works for you. Psh, working out with an app that'll never work. It can too, bitter Betty.

Fitbot helps you learn new movements the right way with over a thousand demonstration videos and it adapts as you improve so each workout will be challenging and push you to make progress. Yeah, I bet you haven't even tried it. I have indeed bitter Betty. I love that it adapts to the stuff I have to work out with. So whether I'm at a full gym or in my living room, I know I've got a challenging workout at the ready. All right.

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Better ready to be cool. Please just say and spring for a square space fit bud Devil captain we're passing through an ice belt Bruster's to fall Dang this reminds me of my wife if you know what I mean All right captain all clear well done pilot first drink is on me all right now. He's sounding like my wife. Okay. Okay. Anyway, when we land, we'll need the put down the landing pad, set up gear and report back to base. Yes Captain. I hate my wife so fucking much. There it is. And we're back for more of this shit and we're going to rejoin the action with Anderson

calculating their route through space on graph paper with ruler. Okay. Yeah, but like, don't you work that ahead of time? Right. Instead of on the ship, you do that math. Or I feel like we've figured out not paper and pencil before we'd figure out flying to Jupiter. Maybe. Okay. I was looking at this graph

paper. There's like random, just little circles out on one side of it. I think that's to represent potentially the asteroids, but there's just like random little circles. These are not plotted with any sort of accuracy at all. Also, the paper is all like crinkled up. And there's like a pack of cigarettes and like ashes on the paper. They're all smoking in this. Yeah. Spaceship. He draws a line with the ruler and then adds a different line without a rule. It's different lines.

My dad was shaking with rage at these bad measurements. Nothing was working on this plan. Oh, see, I feel like all the dads of the world were like, that's right. I too could pile in a spaceship with a, with a straight edge and a, and a clean pencil. That's all I need to make it a Jupiter. Let me tell you. Oh, that's what he was saying until he saw that non-rulered line. And then he went nuts. Yeah.

Right. What the fuck was that all about? Hypotenuse. Yeah. Blair's work in the levers. We got one dude shaving for a while. I wrote my nose like, why I hope we get to watch this guy shave for 45 seconds.

Oh, good, you know. We watch them sleep in the movie. We watch them shave in the movie. We watch a second person shave in the movie. It's like a long shaving scene and then he's like, let me go for a minute now. I need to shave. Hold on, I need to plug it back in.

It's a, okay. I have the wrong cord. Okay. Fun, not fact. So I have an IMDB Pro account, which lets you see all of the fun facts that have ever been brought up, even the ones that are now deleted from the main page.

So the original fun fact on the IMDB for this movie was, this is the first appearance of now deleted from the main page. So the original fun fact on the IMDB for this movie was this is the first appearance of a cordless razor in cinema and the comment that got deleted is no, it's not that's a product they're using. So yeah, so we get this incredibly long morning, ablutions scene, right? But then they start coming up on the 13th moon. They think it's behind clouds so they can't tell for sure if there's a planet there. Hey, Chris, check your graph paper. And he does.

He's like, yeah, no, the, the hypotenuse of the algebra homework he lied in, dude, says that the moon's right there. So fucking, let's do it. So they enter the planet's atmosphere. Now we should point out we've seen their spaceship several times against black construction paper with holes poked in it, right? And it's always the V2 rocket with the thrusters going. Okay. The movie, I think believes that when you go to Jupiter, for example, with a spaceship, you're burning fuel the entire, like you're holding the gas pedal and you're just like shooting yourself.

Yes. Right. You should pull down on the gas. I wonder how many of those Mario mushrooms they're going to need to do that. They probably got the infinite one and they just hit the button. I guess that explains to 22,000, the mock 22,000 speed that they managed, I guess. But yeah, but now we should also put it like this, this includes when you're landing, right? The thrusters go in full blast the other way as you land. Fuck boss, we keep taking off again. So we're going to see that in a minute, but before we do this, so they enter the planet's

atmosphere with their thrusters go in full blast and they get a radio signal, right? It goes and I quote calling the spaceship report name and destination immediately. Okay, destination is an easy answer because it's here, right? The year. Yes. But the greatest goddamn line of the movie follows that where he says, you are under our space control. I feel like control is fine, Chris.

We don't need to add space to it. Space control. Every planet is in space like earth is in space. Nobody would say space there. That's insane. It's my new favorite example of movie stupid. That's just like saying time space at the beginning of everything you ever do, because we're in time space, space time. Sorry, no, it's your new favorite space example.

That's right. Yes, thank you. Time space. And they respond that they are a friendly scientific exploration. I wrote in my notes smart. You add the friendly as opposed to, you know, a hostile scientific exploration. I wrote in my notes smart. You add the friendly as opposed to, you know, a hostile scientific exploration. Hey, side note listener, they are not on a friendly scientific. No, they've got guns. Yeah. So many guns. And he forgets to say friendly, friendly. He's like, we're doing friendly. So, sorry, friendly, friendly science, right? Just normal, just I, we were doing normally friendly science. So yeah, so they, they land. Now the landing is just to be to take off footage, but in reverse. So that, which looks great.

Hell yeah, it is. They land on the, but they all light cigarettes and celebration. They pass the same tree again as they're parking. Yeah, right. And then so and and they ask one of the guys, they're like, Hey, man, check the atmosphere. How is it? He's like, wow, it's exactly like earth. And he's like, Oh, wow, is that because we couldn't afford spacesuits for this movie?

And they're like, yep, sure is. Yep, sure is because of that. So so then they so they set off onto this alien planet that looks exactly like Southern California, interestingly enough. Yep, sure does. We have a long pan of it where it's like, huh? Look at how alien Southern California looks. Yeah, you can't tell what the actors were instructed to do because they're half of them

are doing like, my gosh, it's just like Earth there. And half of them are doing like, oh, I'm doing. And they were just doing porn or they're about to do porn. So I think that's the confusion. All right. Interesting. Well, they also are all wearing. And we've mentioned the guns a couple of times now.

But we should talk about the size of the these guns are not like in a small holster like a picture gun. You they're giant fucking Jack Nicholson's Joker wants to shoot down the bat plane. Because they're like the opposite of a holster. It's like a riddle to get into the whole. It looks like in a steep room to get your gun out. I almost went with best worse holsters in this movie. Yeah. They run at this

moment too, because they look out into the trees of the new moon. They're on and they see a signal. Yes. It says head for the trees from, I guess, the Jupiterians theoretically. So they run across this like park and something California. And they don't know what running is, I guess, in 1956. No, he learned before then and now what normal leg movement is. Yes, I go because humans have been running for hundreds of thousands of years. That's what I know. I would have just. I would have always been there.

It would be different between 1956 and that. You can't just hunt and gather with walking and weird crazy legs serpentine that they do here. I don't know. You guys need to check yourselves. Okay, this is before the American fitness challenge. This was, we didn't have flexible boys and girls just exploring the American landscape like we have today.

Okay, this was the peak of physical fitness in 1965. I know. You had the six. The directs for breakfast. 56. Then you were no illusions at 13 and then you marched out into the planet. Yeah. No, this was like four out of five PE teachers recommend Chesterfields.

Right. Exactly. These guys have been having their face smoked in since they were babies. So exactly. Thank you. But yeah, but we have to talk about this beacon too, right? So they get out of the plane. They look over and there's this light doing more code. So not only to these aliens speak English, but they have more fucking code. And the code says head

for the trees at the signal. Now there are trees in every single direction where they stand, right? Luckily, they picked the right trees. They do. They picked the correct trees. Yep, there's also no signals. So they just, they're like, so you figure now we should start running. They're like, well, yeah, might as well. So yeah, so they strafe their way across the field.

They come to the, to the light that, that had been Morris coding at them. And it happens to be a statue of a very sexy woman. Dibs on fucking the statue. Okay. Hey, guys, hey, podcast listener, I can't emphasize how much time and how instantly they all start sexually harassing this statue. Right? That was the new century. Teen year olds unwatched at a museum would be like, all right, relax man. Is this guy there just like, how about, how about, oh man, look at the, look at the stones on her. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

If it blew up in the aliens, we're like, all right, that's like the ninth spaceship of humans we've gotten with the exploding sexy lady statue. I'm gonna be harder. I'm gonna tell you. I also love this throwaway line we get from That's like the ninth spaceship of humans we've gotten with the exploding sexy lady stature. I love this throwaway line we get from Stanhope he goes, the vegetation is similar to our planet. Well, yes, remarkably so. And the other actors look at him like, yeah, man, it's fucking California.

Don't say that. Obviously. Yeah. So, yeah, so they, they, they picked their jaws up from the hot statue lady. And they're like, well, I guess that's it for our first day of space exploration. Let's go back to the ship and knock off. All right. Found statue and rubbed against it. Check, check, call it a day. That was the space mission of space, fucking statue of space of space fuck we give the Mars rover too much shit because really these guys got a lot less done than that little robot.

Oh yeah, but but hold on not so fast because as they're walking back they hear a woman's scream. Now it's supposed to be the classic we hear a woman's scream we run and we find her but these idiots making this fucking movie have this poor actress scream. I'm going to say conservatively 17 fucking times. It ruled because you can hear the actress being like, okay, that's enough, right? No, no, no, run out of ways to scream. I was really hoping the aliens were going to kill all these idiots with like old white guy traps, like, like first to stat you. And then this screaming lady, she'll array. I'm cutting before I measure. I wonder if I'm a lot to pieces of wood that aren't plum and flush and they all freak out run after

it. Yeah. I can probably throw out this half done pencil, right? There's not a fucking show. Oh, a minute trap. I fell right into it. Tiger pit. So yes. So they run up and they see that there's this woman and she's being harassed by a guy in a gimp suit, right? And there's this discussion for a minute where they're like, so you guys want to just see how this plays out or should we do something? Maybe.

Maybe. And the boss is like, all right, let's not get it. This is exactly what happens. I want to be very clear that there's nothing that happens in between these words and these actions. He goes, that's not get involved unnecessarily. And then he fires a gun at the animal that is attacking her. Well, now it wasn't quite that fast, right? Because he's like, fire a warning, Shiny fires. Oh, that's right. Fire is a good air. Yes. it. Oh, that's right. Fire's a good air.

Yes. And then they all look at him. First he stands his ground. Right. Yes, exactly. They all the thing looks at him. And then he's like, all right, now just shoot it. Now shoot it.

No, shoot it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, be there anymore. So yeah, fucking shoot that thing in the goddamn head. Maybe it's the president. We have no. While the creature is holding this lady right next to him. So

they're like, yes, right. I want to be like, ow, you fucking shot me. All you missed him and shot me. Fuck. Why did you bring guns? You said you were a friendly scientific exploration. Yeah. So, but the, but the monster growls off. He's very upset at getting shot in the, and the woman is, the beautiful woman is saved. She's in a ridiculously short dress. Again, you're somebody's 12 year old boner did the costume design for this film, right? For sure. Or whatever age. All right. Yeah. No. Somebody's boner definitely to the Geaths boner roughness movie. All right. Yeah. No, somebody's boner definitely to be a. Keith's boner wrote this movie. All right.

Now we can say it now. It's better. Fuck. I don't know why I talk sometimes. But yeah, but he comes up and she like very clearly wants to fucking she backends him forward. All five guys do some version of like, as close as you can say to, I would like to have sex with her in 1956 cinema.

Hamanahamanahamanahamanah. Except for Anderson, again, who breaks the moment by being like, so we're all gonna fuck her, right? And they're like, I can't Anderson, man. Dude, it's 19, just be cool. And he's like, all right, well,

so yes, you guys know, I don't mind going later. I want to go third. Third. Interesting. I'm a third guy. I'm a third man. He's a third guy. All right. And that's heath speaking, by the way, that's not an Anderson that's just heath letting you the podcast listener. No. This is my new voice. Well, that's actually going to come up. They were going to have to decide that right because they follow her and they get to this like building and she's like, come on inside and Blair, the like main guy, he's like, all right, me and Larsen will go in.

You guys, the rest of you guys, you stay out here and you get sloppy thirds for the best. Yeah. I love this. Yeah. It's like, all right. Here's the plan. I get to space, fuck the space lady space first, right?

But also Larsen, right? And he looked at Larsen and Larsen's like Luke warm at best on this way. He's like, well, so Larsen is the one who hates his wife. His whole personality so far has been like looking at things going like Oh, it's prickly like my wife, you know, it's just like, so Larsen probably needs fuck by a space lady, right? It's like how when you're at a bachelor party and there's a strip club, like they do the bachelor, but then the second funniest person to get a lap dance is like the guy who's been

married for 36 years because you're like kind of destroying his marriage. It's like. So yeah, but, but so Blair and Larsen go into the Jovian castle. because you're like kind of destroying his marriage. It's like. So yeah, but, but so Blair and Larsen go into the Jovian castle. The other three characters are Hagen Stanhope and Anderson. They're going to form the B team and wait at the back. So they go into this room. There's a painting where a chick has her nipples showing because they're allowed to do it if it's art. And Blair goes, wow, well, this room looks late. Minoan and just then a guy in a robe shows up and he goes, actually, it's at Lantus, though. And this is their civilization that they moved from Atlantis on Earth, right?

That's what they're saying. So Atlantis on Earth. No need to explain. Going underwater and they were like, how do we solve this fly to Jupiter? Fly to Jupiter, yeah. That's the 13th moon of Jupiter. First idea, best idea.

You also says that the painting is his grandma. Yes. Am I wrong? Yeah. He does. I would cock grandma. And no one's like, hey, why is your grandma got her tits out in this picture you have of her uncle?

Hey, listen, that's nobody's business. I don't know why I talk all the time. I grandma. I don't know why I talk all the time. I grab one. So yeah, so this guy is the lone male survivor of Atlantis, but it's not just him, it's also like 13 beautiful women that also lived there. They're all his daughters or at least that's the term that they use. No explanation needed or given, everybody were all established. Yep. Wink. Yeah. And the guy says this character's name is process. I can't tell if it's process in the pronouncing

it weird because they're old timey, but yeah, or if it's process, which is fucking insane. Right. I think it's process. It's spelled process in the IMDB page, but yeah, they pronounce it process throughout. So this is process. And he says to Blair, he's like, Oh, you know, the creature must be destroyed, but it is indestructible. And I'm like, well, that's been what the fuck are you even talking about? What are we even doing here? Well, I shot it earlier and it seemed bothered by that. Oh, yeah. Well, you know, I'm from Atlanta, so I don't fucking know. Right. Yes. I've been trying to throw a rocket at real hard. So I guess indestructibles are real different definitions. Yeah. It's a relative for you. Relative term. But yeah, but then he says,

Hestia, my daughter that you rescued, she now belongs to you. Said the writers 12 year old boner. Sure did. Yeah. And then we get, I believe this civilization's early sexual move, which is the shoulder touch, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. She puts his hand on her shoulder like, no, I'm the one that you own now, as if to demonstrate. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Sorry. You're all dressed the same as all the other daughters.

So thank you for clarifying. Again, this feels like the porn thing director guy was like do some shoulder stuff. Shoulder touch. Everybody's like, all right, man, you're a shoulder guy. All right. Do we have to get those licenses if she touches my shoulder? No. Okay.

Yeah. Well, and then as if that wasn't porony enough, all of the women start to do a sexy dance for them. Well, well, what passed for a sexy dance in 1956 that could get passed the sexy space dance. Space dance. Thank you. Space, sexy, space dance. Space dance.

Space dance. Sure. This might be Tunish, but you know when you go to like a concert, like a dance recital and there's the little kids and the sugar plump fairy plays and three year olds come out and everyone's like, aw, and then the teenagers do their thing and you're like, I don't know these women. This is weird. That's how this dance feels is like. I bet you guys have a lot of fun at your dance class that you're all in together.

I shouldn't be here. I don't want to be here. I don't mean you guys think this is like good. So what am I doing here? Yeah. Okay, I felt like the dancers had the same vibe as you just now. So like you and the audience and the dance, they were like all in a fight with each other. Kind of.

Yeah. Sure. Like they were angrily dancing next to each other as best they could, occasionally trying to like upstage the other one. There's one lady who was just standing in corner lady and she's just furiously sulking off the side, moving her hand once in a while. Love it. Yes. Absolutely. Yeah. So and so they're doing their, their dance. The guys are drinking wine. Processes is liquor in them up a little bit, but it's sinister wine. So it's their passing out as they drink. There will never be a reason for this, by the way, they just do. They just, for some reason, they need to roofie their guests because they don't try to escape

until much later in the movie. There was no reason to keep them there unconscious. They would have very happily stayed and watched your beautiful daughters do a sexy dance for them. Yeah, but for some reason they drug them. So they fall asleep, has to start making out with Blair once he's unconscious? Which again, I think he would have done that conscious. I think we've already established that. 100% would have gotten, would have gotten

conscious consent. Yeah. So meanwhile, we cut to the guys outside. Now before Blair and Larson went in, Blair said, Hey, if we're not back in 30 minutes, you guys go back to the ship, right? We cut back to them. And they're like, it's been a lot past 30 fucking minutes. You guys want to go back to the ship like you said or what do we think in here? I want a space fuck. I said thirds. I called thirds. It's weird because the vibe was space fuck and then he was like 30 minutes.

Go back to the ship. So what if the space fucking is just really good and now we're going to miss out on like a really long 45 minute space fuck. We went back to the ship. What do you want to what's the vibe? What are you guys thinking? Right. Maybe they killed him.

So yeah, but ultimately they decided to head back to the ship. We see the Gimp Monster watching them. They check back in with mission control when they get in. Yeah, but they don't tell them what's happening. Like teenagers who are trying to clean up the house from the party. The previous night. It's like, so how are things going on the planet? Normal.

Good. No, it's everything's fine. How are you? Not, not a space fucking a lady statue and a lady. And there's not a monster who wears a sweatshirt. We're not missing two grommets. I bet you're missing two crewmates is. Yeah.

The one guy says to Higgins, he's like, Hey, should we tell the control that two of our crewmates are missing? And Higgins is like, no, I'm like, why would that be a question let alone the answer be no? But that's for the purposes of this movie. That is what they do. It's a secret. They lie to the mission control and then everybody has another cigarette. Then we cut back to the New Atlanta's compound or whatever. We see beautiful women changing clothes behind draped towels. Oh yeah. But there's nobody like that naked behind the tower. If only we was on the other side, they would have no clothes on. There's nobody watching them though.

So like they were holding up the towel because the camera in the camera in the movie. Oh, because the terrifying director. Yeah, right. Right. Exactly. Okay. So yeah, so, but we watched that for a second that we cut to player and and Carson. They're asleep in separate rooms in their shoes.

Everybody in this fucking movie sleeps with their shoes on, apparently. The doors in this universe are like automatic window blinds, but they open with the Hitler salooned. Yes, they do. They do open with the Hitler saloon. I feel like there'd be an, an awkward conversation at some point about their shades. He, he, he, he, he, he. conversation at some point about the shades. You're right. Earthman, you called for me?

Hey, Hester. Hester, yeah. Oh, Hester, sorry, did you change it? Nope, it's Hester. Right, okay, yes. Sorry, so it's about the shades. Ah, our auto shades. Yeah, yeah, so weird thing,

but the gesture that you use to open them. This one, like this? Yep, yep, that's the one. Just a heads up. When we get to Earth, you're not going to want to do that gesture. Oh, really, Earth, man, why? So yeah, okay. There's this guy called Hitler.

He was like a really bad king. And that was like his thing, that gesture. I see. And what did this evil king do? Oh, yeah, he killed like millions of people. Oh, and did your Americans stop him? Yes, yes, we did. Very, very proud moment for all of us. We did stop him. Wow. The people he was killing must have been so grateful that you American swooped right in the moment the evil king started to kill them to save them all, but what is the matter earth man? Yeah, okay, so for clarity, we didn't exactly swoop right in, but eventually we got attacked by right in, but eventually we got attacked by a different bad king, which made us at war with both of them. And then we did defeat Hitler after that. Oh, I see, earth men. You did not know he was an evil king who wanted to kill these people.

We knew, we knew, we definitely knew, eventually, we got in there and we got him. So. Well, at least he and his people were defeated. That is right. Well, except for the ones that we hired for our space program. What? So is it Hester? Hestia. Hestia. Got it. Hestia? Hestia. Hestia. I know you can hear me.

Hansen. But yeah, so Hestia, that's the chick that we met first, the one that he rescued from the creature. She wakes Blair up. He's got a big hangover, but she offers him a drink that cures hangovers, I guess. Yep, which is nifty. It's like might as well be Popeye Spinach and then he's like, I'm not roofing anymore. Right. And now we should point out to that she has not said a word to this point, right? She screamed when the creature was in, but other than that, she's been following them around silently. And the whole time, we're like, all right, can she not talk or is this just what they expected of women in 1956? The answer is the latter.

Yeah. Because he says, hey, wait, can you talk? And she's like out on the balcony. They go out on the balcony and she just talks normal. So yeah, she exposes, I should say. She explains the plot up to this point to him. Okay, I want to talk about this scene because it made me laugh so hard. She's like, my father keeps us here.

We are all his prisoners. And his exact response is, so what's the weather like on this place? And like, hot and mostly the times you can't tell you what I like is autumn. Ask about the seat, fuck your face. I'm going to just said the thing about the slave. No, I was going to get a sort of preparing an answer about the slavery thing, but I just thought sort of I could kill some.

Okay, yeah, we have seasons. You go ahead now. You guys are following this. That's a boring conversation. Holidays. Yeah, but she explains that all of the women are imprisoned by process. And Blair tells him he wants to rescue her because she's a damsel in distress and she kisses him and assures him that it's still just act too. So, you know, not yet.

I like that he says, I have a million questions, but I can only think of one. And I was like, see, see, of one, right? I don't think you have any questions then. If you can't think of something, you don't have it in your brain. That's not how you ask. No, that's not a question thing. Yeah. I have a million questions.

Here's the one I can think of, but here's the one I can't think of. Yeah. Space questions. That's nothing. Turner, Skippenin. think of space questions. That's nothing. Turner's skipping in. Broke.

Yeah. Broke. John. Chief. Oh, Paco. Do you want to hear my answer that I can't think of? So yeah, so she leaves and then a different girl comes to get him.

This is duessa. She the process comes over the radio and he goes like, Hey, follow this other girl and come and talk with me for more plot stuff. Right, but it's not the radio. It's a loud speaker, which feels weird. Yeah. Sorry. A couple of announcements.

Lunch today is meatball surprise. Also, I would like to do more exposition in the room. I knocked you out. Um, a couple of announcements lunch today is meatball surprise. Also, I would like to do more exposition in the room. I knocked you out. So I feel like if I had more to say I should have waited. Yes, right. Right. So yeah, so he goes with her, then we cut over to Lars and the other guy this,

they're he's waking a ball grumply. There's like four beautiful women waking him up. And he's checking to make sure that they didn't steal his wallet. Okay, this was the porn for sure, right? Like this is a point for the porn thing. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, they're all waking him up and rubbing on him and everything. And he's like, all right, get at all women's get at all. I wrote this is like trying to wake Keith at a convention. In it, though. Why are you trying to wake me up? He did.

Because you have the keys to the van, right? That's why. Where are the merch ones? Why would you give me the keys to the van? Well, that's the real one. True, fair enough. No, that was on us. So, yeah, but he's married, damn it.

He doesn't want these succubus to tempt him with their hedonistic way, so he runs them all off. I love, yeah, he yells at them to go away. And then one of them is like, Hey, man, why do you want the four of us to go away? It was a great question. It landed really great question. Yeah, thank you.

But then he's like, am I being detained? And he's mad and they're like, you hear, yes, detained, but like, you know, good, you get the good way that we're talking about. Fuck you. It's so good there. You get a full revertiring avoiding an orgy with four people women. So I was like, okay, yeah, that's a fun way to end that scene.

Idiot. All right, well, unfortunately, Hollywood discovered acts sometime after 1956. So I can't exactly wait for one of those to end before we take a break. So we're going we take a break. So we're going to take one here, but first let me give the non-segmented remainder of the movie The Hard Cell. Will anyone fuck anyone? Why did people bother to wake up in the 50s?

Did they get polio just for a spot of variety? Find out the answers to these questions and a bunch of ones nobody would have bothered to ask when we return for the yada yada yada conclusion of fire maidens of outer space. And then at three I eat for one hour straight. So smart is non-stop, right? Exactly. Hey guys, you're up early. You guys don't usually wake up till noon.

Oh no, that was the old us. The new us is up at seven a.m. Yeah, I actually got up at five and came out of my room at six thirty. It's true. He did. Yep. And I assume these are your new years resolutions. Psh, we're not even getting started. Yeah, what about you though? Do you have any years resolutions of your own? As a matter of fact, I do heath. I'm going to stop wasting my money on my wireless bill by switching to Mint Mobile. What's Mint Mobile? It's one of my resolutions nailed it. Mint Mobile is here to rescue you

with premium wireless plans for just $15 a month. $15 bucks a month? You're pulling my leg. Note that's my resolution. That's right. For a limited time, wireless plans for Mint Mobile are $15 a month when you purchase a three month plan. That's unlimited talk text and data for $15 a month.

Okay, Noah, but do I have to do some kind of weird number change or only text when the moon is full and azubajan or something? No, all plans come with unlimited talk and text plus high speed data delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. Use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your phone number along with all your existing contacts. But have you actually tried it? I have.

I switched my family over to Mint Mobile when they became a sponsor a few years ago and I get the same great service for hundreds of dollars less. Exactly, which is why my New Year's resolution is a piece of cake. To get this new customer offer and your new three month unlimited wireless plan for just $15 a month, go to mintmobile.com slash cam. That's mintmobile.com slash cam. That's mintmobile.com slash cam. Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com slash cam. Additional taxis fees and restrictions apply.

See mint mobile for details. All right. Noah. Well, congrats on your resolution, I guess. Thanks. So sorry. Did you say your resolution is pulling Eli's leg? Yeah.

Well, just harming in general. Okay. Do in mean code is this week. Yeah. Well, um, I hate you. Human craft. Do you hear me human craft? Come in.

Yes. This is the US Explorer from the planet Earth. We come in peace. We are pleased to hear at Earthlings. Do you come holstered? Uh, sorry what? Holstered in your rectum. We are peaceful species and despite our terrifying power and weaponry, we mean you know

harm. This is why we will greet you the way you greet us with our thumbs inside our own rectums. Or two fingers. Or two fingers, yes. Right. So, okay, just to make sure I understand you, the way your people show that you come in peace is to arrive with your thumb inside of your rectum.

Or two fingers, yes. Okay. them. Or two fingers, yes. Okay, well, well, okay, very well then, in the name of intergalactic peace, I shall come holstered, as you say. Sorry, what are you talking about? I'm just, we're just fucking with you. Why would you put your thumb up your ass? Why would that be a piece gesture? I don't know, your aliens, you said it. I have every fucking time.

I can't get enough of it. Stand by for the landing coordinates. Yeah, but wash your hands first, dude. I didn't do it yet. Woo, didn't you? No. Jerks. Yes. And we're back for still more of this shit.

We're going to rejoin the action back in the ship where the Gimp Monster is snort growling in the bushes nearby, right? The crew season. The creature is really bad at hiding, right? They never successfully hides in the movie. I kept expecting for him to pop out of somewhere and oh, we thought, but no, the entire time,

he's just like, eh, and they're like, we see you, man, and he's like, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, we do know. But you're growling. He's growling and he just like falls out of the bushes as if an info-merchal, and then he's like, all right, well, I'm out of the, I can just walk in the open.

They saw me. But the whole time he's doing that, you have the Krugel and there's something out there, but it's hiding. I can't tell what. Glasses haven't been invented yet. And he's like, oh, I guess I'll slowly back into this bush again. And that'll work. I nailed it for my next several scenes.

Homer Simpson style. Yeah. Good job, creature. So they just they give up looking for them though. He's too cleverly camouflaged. So they're like, Oh, well, let's see if we can figure out where our crewmates are. Check the radio. And what does it say? If the they're at the socks game, what the fuck with the radio tell me they started a podcast check and see if they started a podcast. Yeah. So he's like, Oh, no, that didn't help.

He's like, okay, sweep the area with radar. Really? Come on, man, we know what radar is even now. Why would we want to? Dude radar. We have dude radar is what you're saying. Turns out there are a lot of trees around us. Yeah.

But he can ultimately decides that this is boring and they should go look for Blair and Lars. He tells everybody to gun up, it's time to go find Blair and Lars. In retrospect, wait 30 minutes and then go back to the ship was not a robust enough contingency plan. Yes. So yeah, so they are them up, they set off.

And we watched them walk around Southern California some more. And we get the creature doing, he's having a slow date work. He's just like, okay, pop up head from bushes and we's number six. This is the sixth time I'm supposed to do that. Yeah. Okay, now let me check it off the list. Like that's a lot of his plans so far.

That's pretty much the whole thing up to this point. Yeah, follow him around in the bushes and growls, Nort. So then we check back in with Blair. He's still chatting with process, right? He comes back and he's like, and that's how we'll save New Atlantis. I would have liked to have heard that part of the movie, but you know what, it's fine.

It's fine. From what? I understand you have to work in a whole other dance number after all. Okay. Again, this is porn, though. This is the porn that was missing. He was talking about them, you know, impregnating the women and continuing the civilization. I'm pretty sure, right? Sure. Okay. Obviously. Old guys have been shooting blanks for a while, probably. So he was like, all right, save it. Land, save new it. Save save it land us. I'll fuck your daughter. Yeah, absolutely. All right makes makes sense Yeah, so and and he gives him some wine now keep in mind the last time he took wine from this guy He ended up roofied right But he's about to drink the wine again like a fucking idiot

Hascha has to like squeeze his shoulder and be like, are you fucking kidding me? Do you know? Do you? It has roofies. And to be fair, I've had to do this to Heath a couple of times. We're in the middle of like a big roofie poison feud like it's been going back and forth. Just don't drink anything, right? Like you know, now don't drink anything here.

I feel like I'd have to give Heath this warning though. Just like, come on, he's like, guys, good, good wine. Just gonna have a little. I like it. How much can I drink before I have a little bit? I just want to have a little. Line up more. So process turns around to yell at the big naked picture of his grandma, right?

And while his back is turned, Hess just swaps the goblets man and black style. Mm hmm. So he comes back to the table. They drink their wine. He passes out right away. Totally can't handle this roofies. This guy, total lightweight. Can't handle this roofies.

And then a Hestia takes a Blair by the hand and they rush off at like a brisk mall walking speed. Okay. Again, in the 1950s, this was an Olympic level sprint. You guys really need to read up on your, the 46 minute mile. So, okay. So meanwhile, the monster still following along with the, with the B team, right, they get back to the spot where they went into the, to new Atlantis, but now it's all sealed up. And they can't get in.

Oh, yeah, because they got the like magic door, like Donkey Kong country, like secret room just phased through the door, but they're not in the right place. Apparently, yeah, something like that. Like the gummy bears too. I wrote gummy bears and I was like, why did I write gummy bears? Oh, from the cartoon. Oh, yeah, okay. I was 102 because I went through the notes earlier and I'm like, I I'm dying. I was so certain that he was just like note to self.

Come on. Come on. Beers. So pit of despair. Get one for self. Question months. But yeah, but now that they're cornered, the monster, the creature comes out of the woods, and they're like, and one of them goes, it can't be for some reason. I wrote my notes, why couldn't it be? Like I get that it's your unpleasant, that it's unpleasant that it's there,

but it can't be, doesn't seem like the proper emotion. You've seen one of these, like, you have no reason to believe that there would just be one of these creatures even, right? Or that you could distinguish between them. You can't be. Is he wearing a Dita stat? Weird. Just that. Yeah. And that can't be. Yeah, they might have been commenting on the monster makeup. That's yeah. Okay. All right. Yep. That makes perfect sense. But they're like, oh, fire

a warning shot. And again, that doesn't work. So they just put 16 bullets at him. But this time, not even that hurts him. Yeah. So they have to throw a grenade at him, but this time not even that hurts him. Yeah. So they have to throw a grenade at him. They brought grenades to space. Well, it's gas grenades. So that's a thing, right? That's different.

I really wanted him to turn to the other guy and be like, and you said, why are you bringing your gas grenade? I bet you feel pretty stupid now. I said, what if we meet a creature who's about it, proven it now? With Tron, you got him. I like, I liked it. The monster gets gas-grenaded and he's just like, yeah, okay. That hit me. All right. A little kid fight where it was like, all right.

Well, yeah, fine. Technically, I'll go wait. It's sort of close. Yeah, he just wanders off. He's just like, all right, well, if I be broken and gasgrinate each other, I don't even want to play. So he storms off, takes his ball, goes home. And one of the side kicks turns the other one and goes, it looks like a Neanderthal. And I wrote my notes, ah, yes, the famous bulletproof caveman of the Neanderthal. The Neanderthals. Yeah. Well, and also they spend a while going like, wow, he was abnormally large, wasn't he? And he's like, wow, he was abnormally large. Wasn't he? And he's like, yeah, you can't really tell because there wasn't like a banana there for

scale or anything. We do. We're standing next to him. But he was abnormally tall. But we assure you, we assure you he was huge. Large Nandertal of the Adidas tribe. Yep. And then I have to clarify this apropos of nothing.

And like that's an the end of thought. And then fucking Anderson is like, I don't fuck that girl we saw. Yeah, yes, it's all I don't fuck this shit out of her. Hey, they're like, dude. Hey, Anderson, we're all thinking what you're thinking, but you know how we don't say it and you do? Yeah, okay.

Do you need to go back and jerk off on the statue again? Because I'm a great send of comedian. That's what it is. Such a sad. So, yeah, so we come back to Blair. He takes Hesja out on the balcony for a good flirt and they discuss why the movie is not over yet, right? Because the main bad guy is passed out. They could just leave. But the movie is like, oh, we can't leave now

because the wall is sealed. And you can't get out until process tells us we can, I guess, right? We're all the daughters of process here. All women are his daughters. And I wrote Heath, did you make this movie? You have to tell us. What? Yes, we learn that process is the all daddy. Also, this whole time, duessa is like listening in on them and she's doing such a bad job of hiding and Blair and Hester are doing such a bad job of not seeing her that it's hard to tell whether she's even supposed to be hiding. Yeah, unclear.

She is. We learn later that she is and it's supposed to be that they didn't see her, but you'd never guess that from the way that Hescia keeps making direct fucking eye contact. No, the actors don't know. Hesters just keeps looking over over. This is another, this is a porn moment. Like just outside of the frame, porn stuff is happening. Okay.

Hescia's actor is like, okay, well, I know I, we're it's spying not aware of it. Yeah. Yes. That's not a dick. Yes. Very close to me. But so it has just like, well, look, we can't end the movie quite yet. We're not feature length yet, but I'll be back at sunset and something probably will

happen then or something. Cool. Is there going to be anything for my character to do? No, am I going to literally knock on various surfaces while you're gone. You should probably just hang out. Knock, there you go. Knock on surfaces. That's perfect.

All right, I guess I'll knock on various surfaces. Drink a little wine. That'd be great, right? The good wine. Oh, and I'm asleep again. Yeah, this works out real well for you when you do that. Yeah. And not only are we going to watch Blair knock on various surfaces to see if one of them's hollow, presumably, right? Not only are we going to watch that, but we're also going to cut periodically to Larsen, the guy that came in with

him who's also just trapped in a room. We cut to Larson. He stands up, paces for a second, sits back down, lights the cigarette and the scene ends. Well, he didn't, you know, Blair stole knocking on the wall. So he didn't have other, there's not a lot of money. No, no, you can do it that point. Yeah. Right. He could have run a mile. Right. Well, and then like, fucking Blair starts calling out. He's going like Larsen, Larsen, we cut to Larsen. Larsen can hear him. And he calls back. He's like, yeah, Blair, I'm here, but Blair can't hear a Larsen. Oh, he's a one way sound waves. Fuck. I guess those are space audio. Fuck space. I can spare. Her sound currents are going the other way. I don't know.

Yeah, but I guess they don't know how ear shot works. But then meanwhile, Anders and Stanhope are, are we there yeting Higgins as they walk around looking for something? I don't even know because they're looking for their crewmates. Where would they be going now? I think they're trying to find the magic gummy bears entrance. Yeah. Okay. All right. Yeah. Following the wall around. I mean, they, they seem surprised when they come across the wall again later, but yeah, we'll go with it. They do. So because one of them

even says, well, maybe we're going the wrong way. And I'm like, you haven't decided a destination. There's no wrong way yet. But they do find another bit of the wall. And they're like, Oh, okay, well, stand up, climb up the tree and tell us what's on the other side, right? So he climbs up a tree that's right next to the wall. He sees a bunch of ladies there, but a hot chick's there. He comes down to tell him the good news. But he's doing it in like weird in you end though, and they're not getting it. And they're on an alien planet when you really need direct information. Yes. We could oh my gosh, we could wear a big coat and pretend to be an adult to get

into the movies. I'll tell you what the fuck is happening? Right. Yeah, they're like, well, how do we get over this wall to the all the hot chicks that are over there? And one of them literally says, well, we could all just stand on each other's shoulders like it can. Yep. Like a fucking car. What genre movie are they in? Because they seem to be very unclear whether it is like a sexy high school hijinks romp or a fucking space adventure. This is false dichotomy. It can be everything you just said. You like everything.

It's like a flash Gordon just kept getting his dick out, right? Like it's just, I am. Oh, it's out. What you doing there? Oh, sorry. I thought I'm right at this moment. So also, that's why they call me flash after all. But I'm on.

Racism really should have seen that coming. I laughed when they finally decided on their plan for this though. Okay. It's so fucking stupid to begin with, right? Because he's like, how are we going to get over the wall? And he's like, the wall that I just climbed a tree that was directly next to that has branches that go over it. And they're like, yeah, that exactly. He's like like what if we cut down a tree with our guns yes with their binoculars with their polaroid camera i don't fucking let me page that secretary shall come and cut it down

let's cut down several tree will make a trebuchet out of the trees that we cut down that couldn't we just climb it again? No, we break this ladder and make us set a stairs out. I already said tray bache. She's tray bache. I want to say one more time. Yeah, he's like, cut down that tree that's right next to the wall and put it right next to the wall.

That's shit. They'll do it. So, okay. So we go back to New it, Lannister. Hashtag checks on her dad, make sure that the plot hasn't moved an inch, right? We got a lot of larson pretending he can't get past that tiny little curtain. This was the best. I can't do this. My whatever mine is being asked of me right now, I can't do it. It's not like if I push it, I'm just gonna go through it. It's like an angry mind didn't get paid like the Pat and Oswald bit about the comedian.

So fucking angry. So hand, hand, hand, fuck, fuck, I hate this box. Fuck all of you. I'm not supposed to talk. Right. So we get that. Then we get we cut back to the B team. Higgins is barking to him to put the tree up

he they prop the tree up on the wall and But the wall the the stone wall is electrified Yes, it's the force field it's gonna. Yep. Oh, is that what it is got force field going over the top Yeah, they talked about it earlier this she was like my father keeps us here, but there's a terrible for so like we fucking didn't believe the movie They're like say we told you there's a fast way out. It kills trees, which yeah, kind of brings about the question of like, how much physical matter has to cross that barrier? And like what the difference between like the media and out, it's media. We said it a trailer. There's not birds here. What? Okay. So, yeah. So they said the tree down the wall electrifies it. We cut to the women on the other side. They're

like, Oh, God, it's the creature. And we're like, it's a tree. You can see it. You can see that it's the tree. And even if it was the creature would be the creature being fried by your to beat dying. It would would be like, great things. So. And then the three studios are like, all right, well, obviously that was a force field. So under and podcast listener, that in fact

is the answer. They start digging under the wall with their hands. Like a bunch of fucking dogs trying to get out to fuck that. And that's the thing is that Anderson is still trying to get to the women, which really reinforces that image in your mind. I wanted them to just cut down another tree. I don't know why we did that, but it works the first. So meanwhile, I shouldn't even bring up this thing because

it's so short and it doesn't do any fucking thing at all. But we cut the mission control back on earth. They're getting real nervous about how long it's so short and it doesn't do any fucking thing at all. But we cut the mission control back on earth. They're getting real nervous about how long it's been since they've been in touch. Right? Keeps going to one ring and then voicemail. That's bullshit. But it's only been like an hour and a half because they called them and they're like, Hey, we're going out doing a mission shit.

And they're like, okay. And now they're fucking, they're all nervous about it, right? And this scene includes the reason I bring it up is because it includes the worst British accent of all fucking time, right? The guy who turns to the screen All right, here we go. No, it's more like a just more pot. We mustn't give her up. Oh, fuck. I hope that's not kept in cinema history forever. Yeah, we're friends. I wanted one guy to be like, is there a chance there in a weird sex romp

with a guy and a bunch of daughters from Atlantis? I just want to throw that out there. It's impossible. So then we cut back to the planet. We have Hestia walking around. Duesa is still spying on her, along with all the other fire maidens of outer space, I guess. She comes around the corner and they all pounce on her and tie her up.

Yeah. It's really hard to tie someone up if they don't let you. So she really struggles in the mime at first and then she has to kind of stop and be like, oh, okay, sorry, it's right. But you know, I don't want you to hurt my arm or in hell. Okay, so you're going to do a double knot. There's also too many sisters. So there's four or five that are definitely tying her up, but then there's another six

that are like, yeah, fucking get her. Yeah, I got your six, because those people who like stick their head in and like, pet the back of the shoulder during the porn, you know, this is the only thing. Yeah, right, right, yeah, exactly. Well, that's the thing is that they expected to be doing porn and they just had too many actresses and they're like,

well, I guess all of you are tying. Yeah, usually when this is a porn, I just start fucking somebody, but you guys are tying her, I don't know what to do. So we cut back to Larson. He's still pacing around in case you wondered if he wasn't pacing anymore. Okay. I feel like the actors might be actual prisoners in this moment, like somehow the

stereotype got them into this area for this part. I thought it was going to be a porn. Put up a couple pieces of wood that weren't flush and a lady or whatever and they dove into this room. Yeah. So then, okay, so then we cut to the satanic altar that the fire maidens have put Hestia on. And I've got to say it's about fucking time somebody fire made it. I was going to say, okay, this was, but there's a dance for this moment. By the way, they have a dance, they have a dance number for fire sacrifice. And to Wesa is in charge now. Doessa, who was, you know, did the spying and and Nark Don Hescha.

She's like in charge now for that. So she's like the MC and she's drunk with power. She gets to be like the soloist in the dance and she's like dancing in all their faces really hard and I enjoyed her performance a lot. She also explains and correct me if I'm wrong on this, the transgression that has just about to be sacrificed for apparently. Duesca was next in line for a dick and has to jumped on Blair too soon. Jumped the line for dick.

Yes, exactly. And I know what you're probably thinking, podcast listener, fucking what? Yeah, us too. We have no idea why that is what the movie's about now. I was like, eldest daughter gets to fuck main guy when they show up. What are we? What are we confused with? Obviously, this.

All right. He is on side because he wrote this movie and is going to say, I'm sure he'd had more to do this than he's let not. It was weird that he had all those DVD copies before we said he sent them to us for Christmas. I thought it was just to get ahead, prepare preparation. So but do us is like, yeah, but we can't kill her in the middle of the night. That's not how it works at all. We will sacrifice her at sun up. So now there is a ticking clock check.

Yeah, space clock. And then, well, thank you. And then in probably, I think the strongest evidence towards Heath's porn theory that we've gotten yet, a bunch of other girls come in with Higgins Anderson and Stanhope tied up and they're like, we captured them off screen. Right? Yeah. And then Doug under the wall. We can't show you how or what that looked like, but here they are. They're wiping off their cheeks a little bit. That's nothing. That's unrelated. And if you go into the room, you will, it'll smell like an open button there for a while, but we open the windows. So be cool. But wait, I want to talk about this because this means that they successfully dug under the force field, which means I need the creature quote unquote to feel like a fucking idiot for the rest of the movie.

I need him. I did. I could have done any fucking time.arrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarrarr I think they're famously known for making tools. No, the end of those were, where is it making tools than normal obedience? What? I said it's not eating and now I'm doubling, tripling down. I don't even know how homo-beelius is right. That's not, no, that's not the right. You're dethrasing me with your,

it's a fabulous, with your Jewish words. Yes, haveless. Here I was, the prime of my life. The speak of my wit. You said to tear me down. I'd like to apologize to you in Hebrew as if I'm Kanye. Thank you.

He did that. He did that this week. But okay, but they bring the guys in. They're like, they have them all tied up and they're like, we have to, now these guys have to watch us sacrifice, Hesja. So yeah, the voyeurism in the guy's fantasy to check. And then they're like, oh, let's go get Blair and Larson and make them watch as well And they're like should every single one of us go in a big group of 14 and they're like yes every single one of us should leave These people now these prisoners. I wanted the guys to turn to each other women go into the bathroom. Am I right?

They always go in big groups Shut the fuck up. I wanted to fuck them. You got so many to talk about other stuff. So then, so we watched player more. He's still tapping away as it was. He's done all the wall tapping. A man can do.

Damn it. He's all tapped out. But then he's like, what, you know what? How about floor tapping? Ooh. But Dad also doesn't help. I don't know what's supposed to be happening here. I think he moves that, so it turns out the door,

I promise this makes sense. The door opens when you move the chair. So I think it's just an accident. I think he's like, all right, well tapping didn't work. Maybe if I move this chair more, oh look at that, that opened the door. Yeah, right, there's a secret wall that slides away

when you push the chair, the way you would, if you threw yourself hurrumbfully upon it. Yeah, that must happen constantly. Yes. When they people keep it, stay in that room. When would this chair moving system be helpful? Right. When, thank you. Is this good for, people keep it, stay in that room. When would this chair moving system be helpful? Right.

Thank you. Is this good for, when would secret passages out of the prison rooms that you have at your compound be helpful? Right. So there's no good version, but there is a bad version. And this is it. Yeah. And unlocked from the inside feels like the opposite of useful when it comes to that.

Yes. What was the Batman system where like you would say chair and a trap door would happen. Right. Yeah. No good. So, yeah. So, but he moves the chair, a door opens, that leads him down into the dungeons. So he wanders around in the dungeons for a little while, close to Larson.

Larson's like, hey, I can hear you. And he's like, yeah, you can already hear me. But now I can hear you too. And he's like, what's nifty? He's like, push the chairs around in your room until one of them opens a secret passage. Wait, all the rooms are unlocked by the same secret passage. I know it's done. They must have gotten like a discount or something, but yeah, they're all unlocked in the same way. Wait. So if you open the one secret passage, you just get to another wall that you can't open

unless the other person does the chair thing on their side too. Yeah, that's why they're such a great system. So I think there's a dungeon underneath and he just went enough rooms down like every room has that and he just kept checking different rooms until he found the one with Lars and above him. Yeah. But yeah, so but then they have to like the gaggle of fire maidens comes by so they have

to hide from them, but, but both of them want to watch the hot chicks in short dresses walk by so they don't hide very good. And let me, let me say something as controversial as it is brave, I feel like I could beat up 20, 1965 ladies. They're bones are all weak from polio. What? I can run a mile three to seven times faster than they can. I'm capable of multiple squat.

No, obviously. I feel like I'm just naming nonsense. I can be like, I can beat up 20, 1965 ladies. Okay, well, Patreon goal. I wouldn't cower from if I was being chained. If we have any listeners who were born in 1965. Well, I was just saying, no, not now. because they've had time to, no, I'm talking, I will go back to 1960. Now they've drank milk.

Well, it's 56. Okay. Now they've drunk milk and done yoga. They've had children and done the crossword. Now they're prepared for me. But when they were in their, when they were in their youths just out of the iron lung, skinned soft as a new ham from the butcher. Yeah, they've been had their face smoked in since they were a baby.

Yeah, no, that's, yeah. Listen, I'm confident that 20 of my grandma, who's 98, could beat the shit out of you. Like, he's just, no, she's jurkified. That's what I'm saying. She's jurkified. I'm saying, I could beat up your grandma. He said he's a madman. He said he's a madman. He said he's a madman.

He said he's a madman. He said he's a madman. He said he's a madman. She was soft and unprepared and wasn't swimming laps every day. She was worried about high school and mathematics and the fact that they just invented algebra. That's what I could get. And I'll fight any time traveler from 1965 that's a woman under the use of it. Yeah, to prove it.

And I'm the Andy Kaufman of this podcast. Patreon. No, you were saving me. And no, the fuck I wasn't. Look behind you. So we cut back to the sacrificial chamber where Hessian and the B team have been left. And apparently it's taken this long for the guys to realize, oh fuck, they're gonna sacrifice you.

That must be why you're on that sacrificial altar, right? I thought you just had a bunk bed that was really uncomfortable. Am I right, Anderson? So what? What? So meanwhile, so Larsen and Blair, they show up in processes, Chamber, they check around to see if they can find their guns anywhere. There they are.

Yes, they do. They're behind that. Only thing that they could be behind. It's honestly short of the me thinking of a really good puzzle for the rest of the cast and D&D minus. No one has ever been more embarrassed with their hiding spot slash riddle than it's just behind this little couch thing. I don't know why.

Obviously that's what it's good. Yeah, look there. I wanted them to like start moving chairs around to try to find the guys. All the walls are open and they get dropped into a dungeon and they're like, okay, it's a second level because we thought it was good from the furt fox. Okay. That was solid. That was solid. Open the door of the we thought it was good from the FERC five. Okay. That was solid. That was solid.

Open the door. The creatures behind it. Uh oh. Well, and so now the guys are like, okay, we've got our guns back. And it's just, you know, fucking 12 Holy O S have in non milk fed pre Ronald Reagan sports fitness thing. Ladies, I think we can just go now, right? Yeah.

And Blair is like, no, I have to take Hasja with me. And he's like, dude, you can't come back with a lady from the space thing. That's too, that's, that's too much. What are you going to say to the American British guy? What are you going to tell Flun Poff? Hey, good news. I found a fucking new person, but we're gonna be a little short on rations. Come on. Think this through, man. It's, and it's like a three-week ride

with her. The vibe's gonna be weird, right? It's gonna be super. You're gonna like make out. You can't bring your girlfriend on a buddy trip. Gross. Right. So they're going to find her. They have to hide from the gaggle of fireman's again. And as they walk by this time They're like, oh, so it's a good thing that we found those other three earthlings and are you know holding them captive in this other room over here And they're like, yeah, sure is good that we did that and announce it as we walk by. Why would you tell me that? Of course, I know that you know what shut the fuck up That's why you stand in the corner and don't get to dance, okay?

Question what the fuck happened to the creature? Oh, well, so then we cut to the creature. Now, to be fair, he was outside this entire time being like, under how did I not find a thing of that? Yes. Oh, fuck. Yes, he comes across the tunnel and he's like, Oh, that's fine fucking dumb. That's the movie

just forgets about the creature, like nine different times. And this is one of those final times where they're like, oh, yeah, creature, we have a, there's another thing going on. Fuggin, we've been planning a thing the whole time. You didn't, you forgot the creature. So yeah, so it, so we cut to the creature. We will remind everybody that there, we go back to Blair and Larsen and he's like, oh, so the girls have kidnapped, you know, the B team. Do you still want to take Hasja with us? And he's like, obviously, why would that have changed though? Well, just saying now that we know that there's a kidnapping risk. Maybe we just fuck

off and she can, you know, get it on fire when they didn't say that'd be danger. I only have two more gas grenades. Yeah, right. There's also a moment here where they just, they get lost. It's the best. Right. They're wondering around the dungeon and the guys like, wait, show, is it left? And he's like, I thought it was right, but it could. Fuck, are we at purple eight? I thought I remember from parking. I was purple eight. Fuck. God, Google Maps didn't save my parking. I told you we're not even on the third floor. We're not on the third floor. We're on the fourth floor.

We got to get one of those, what are they called? Apple tags. We should get one of Apple tags and just put it in the car. It's great. I could swear I remembered our space parking space. So. Space space. space. So. Space space. Fantastic. Fantastic. Yes.

Appreciate that was good. Shit. So Mimo. So process now is waking up from his stupor, right? So that's going to add up to something I guarantee. Mimo, back at the sacrificial chamber, they are well into human sacrifice dance number two. Yeah. And they are really out of dances at this point.

They run out of mock-on-ring motions. Yeah. Like it was like the Ministry of Silly dances at the end of their run. And they're like arm elbow elbow out. Is that, that's a thing, right? We haven't done elbow out. It's like the first dance at a wedding, right?

They do the arm slide, the spin, the dip, but there's four and a half minutes to make you feel my love left. I'm just like, I'm doing the dice man. Is this a thing, right? This is a guy I was waiting for. Salt and pepper shaker. Salt and pepper shaker. That's our one.

A cabbage patch. I don't know what it is, but I know it's a thing, right? It is. God damn, why'd your dad have to die? We could have done something. Selfish. So well they're doing the dance process storms long-rated to give him a piece of his mind, but the creature jumps out and eats him as he walks past.

See, they were going somewhere with that the whole time. I wrote in my notes, okay, feels kind of like process in the creature doing their own movie. So, one that we cut back to Blair and Larson, they can hear the music at the sacrifice dance, so they follow the music. That's how they figure out where they were parked, too. See, it's all coming together now.

It's all coming together. But unfortunately, the creature can also hear the music, so he gets to the sacrificial chamber before the good guys. Don't worry, the women have a plan. They're all going to press themselves against the wall and scream. Yep, yep. The Eli Boss. Again, I could take these.

I could take these women. I feel like I could take this. We have the same combat techniques. But the creature is so silly looking and now we get a full, we saw. And then they do reaction shots, which are meant to be like, oh, we saw a scary monster. Now we react and maybe scream and maybe have scared face. But it's all like little kids. When you tell them, like, don't laugh, but we'll put a camera

on you and every reaction shot is like almost laughing. Trying to. Yeah. Right. Someone doing a Grinch face just to try and keep the lower lip thing where you're trying to keep the dream face going. That's all of them. Well, and so all the girls are pressed against the wall screaming except to Lesa, who I

don't know what the actor was going for here. But what I'm getting is her thinking, I could see myself fucking that creature. I could, yeah, I could get, I could learn to love that face. Wesa is like, you know, if I start, if I marry this creature right now, right here, I don't have to say I could find my sister. And then I can bring this, the creature to every Christmas

and they'll be like, oh, you brought the creature this year. And she's like, yeah, we're married. So you better get used, oh, this is great. I'm gonna wreck a bunch of family gatherings. Yeah. Okay, just broad level question. They have this new Atlantis civilization. They have technology that flew them from Earth to Jupiter

or a moon of Jupiter. Yep. Maybe like hundreds of years, I don't know, how long they've been there, but they have that technology. But one growly ape guy is destroying their entire world and they can't fight back, they don't have a gun that kills him, nothing.

They have a force field that can like electrify the trees from a distance or whatever, but yeah, they have not figured out a, any way to deal with it. He sounds like me in 2016. I just want to throw that out. Yeah, okay. All right.

I said a lot of similar stuff after the election. I said, don't we have murder technology for this situation? It's exactly what I said. Okay, now you're stealing the line. Okay. Okay. So yeah, so the monster comes in.

He throws, do us, he picks to us up and gently throws her off camera where there's a mattress, no doubt. And then he walks up to Hester who's tied up the sexiest. But before he can, I don't know, eat her or whatever he's planning on doing, Blair and Larson show up guns blazing. And they shoot him and he's like, ah, but I was right. Bulletproof from earlier, you already knew but I was right bulletproof from earlier.

You already knew I was bulletproof, right? From earlier. Well, these guys did me other guys. Yeah. But then luckily, a fucking Higgins knows what to do. He says throw a grenade at it. And he's like into the room that you guys are all in. Yeah, don't worry.

It's a gas grenade. Sorry, do you say don't worry. It's a gas grenade. Yeah, don't worry. It's a gas grenade that that's less of a rum for the small room room. Yeah, no, it's better. All right. So he throws a grenade at his girlfriend at Hesjat at the love interest.

The grenade explodes. The monster falls backwards into the fire pit that they were going to sacrifice Hesjat into. And he dies weird. A vulnerability slash invulnerability matrix here. we're going to sacrifice Hesja into any dives. Weird. Vonerability slash invonerability matrix here. Not clear what's happening here. It's like Iakane gas, I guess, and like all the rest of them are, you know, myth redatism

into not having any susceptibility to Iakane gas. There you go. Very possible. I don't know. Yeah. He falls over and he dies. They rescue the guys in Hesag, they untie him. Hashtag says she's turned to Laren.

She says, I prayed for you and I'm like, Christian. Christian move. Okay. So this means I didn't use my new year's Eve one. I get another one this year. I can. I can. I'll tell you what, Eli, if you're going to bring me shit like this, you can have as many

as you want. No. I enjoyed this way. The lights are coming out of storage. So, yeah, so they have a big old kiss. And now all the other firemaidens that we're going to sacrifice her minutes ago are on her side. Now that there are a bunch of guys with guns and grenades and shit, rescuing her, I

guess. Hey, all of you were just trying to like burn me at a stake a second ago. I don't think it's your being the, no, we're not letting you just be nice right away. That seems like that should be the reaction here. Right. Come on. It's Christmas. So yeah, so but everybody just walks through the garden arm and arm. Right.

Everybody's happy. All the guys like pair up with a girl. They find processes dead body. Well, I guess Blair fights it right. He turns to everybody's like, oh, I'm sorry to tell you that process is dead. They all do the elephant knows of grief gesticulation together. Mm-hmm, yeah.

Right. What are you gonna do? Yep. And they're like, oh, Hesja, you now are queen. You're in charge. And she goes, well, I was actually going to go back to Earth and fuck the shit out of Blair. So I have a flu.

So Nisa, you're in charge. Who? You character that we've never met. You're in charge. You tried to burn me. I mean, but so did everybody. So, you know, and the, the daughters are like, but we were promised husbands and fucking Anderson is like,

give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give it a give a give someone call for my boner. But then the Dan, Dan, Dan, group sex. I've just, well, and that's how bad they were at making movies back then, right? All the other astronauts just leave. I'm like, what, how about you stick around and then send the ship

later and pick them up? Or say, you know, I don't know who knows. Oh, no, they know what Anderson can do. They know that when Anderson gets a fucking, the best thing you can do is leave the planet and come back when it is fully repopulated with 50% sexually virulent Anderson clothes. So virulent? percent sexually virulent Anderson clone. So virulent. What is your fucking grammar coach today? Just fucking yeah, what are you trying to say, virulent? Stop correct.

I believe that was a little weird. I was showing virulent. Homo habilius. It's wait, can't new Atlantis just fly back if they want? They flew here. Yes. So couldn't they just fly back? They have spaceships or spaceships.

Deadly like the technology like the knowledge back? They have spaceships. Or spaceships, the technology, like the knowledge required to build the spaceships. Certainly, yeah. So yeah, so all the good guys get back in the spaceship with Hasja, the other firemaid and stand outside and wave in unison. He goes, call control, Blair does. And I'm like, yeah, explain all this shit.

But Anderson's like, yeah, what exactly do we tell him? And he says mission completed. He's like, is that all? Do you don't want to, you don't want to warn him that you've got a sexy alien chick that you're bringing back with you or nothing? Feel like our mission was like soil samples and stuff. Feel like this is definitely like quite literally the only thing. Oh, I was like soil samples and stuff. I feel like this is definitely. I didn't do any of that shit. Like quite literally the only thing.

Oh, I got some soil samples. If you know what I mean, right? Right. Anderson. My dick. Go on, but Dean, and that's it. That's the end.

So I guess that does it for a review of fire Maidens of Outer Space, but that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to get back on track for next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well, Noah, what if I told you all the physical illness you've ever experienced? Oh, God damn it. Actually, just your emotions trapped in your body, but there was a group of wise, wise hippies available on toobie.com

who could tell you the truth of illness. We'll be watching emotion. Oh, fuck, sake. I thought you were going to say the video about the Alexander technique that I use as ASMR. That'll work too. All right, so with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 437 to a merciful close. Once again, so with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 437 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors and help make the show go. If you'd like to contact yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation of patreon.com.com.

So that's got off one there by your early access to an ad for your version of every episode. You can also help out a ton by leaving a five star review, ensuring the show and all your various social media platforms. If you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the scaling a, the ascentation, DADD minus and the skeptic crowd available wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinema suggestions, you can email Godoffemoviesandgmail.com. Tim Robertson takes care of our social media,

our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slaping with a full drafts on Mars. All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morton Kirkkin, was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen, right, Neelah Bosnik. I'm an Olujus Promise to work hard

to earn another chunk next week, until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. NASA learned its lesson from this movie and went on to hire Stanley Cooper instead for future missions. Hesja got to Earth and realized that Blair was a B-minus. Luckily Anderson had brought a copy of the ethical slut with him to the moon of Jupiter, and everyone was able to come to an excellent understanding. I'm the best numbers of the day. There you go. I'm warming up.

You thought you were losing it? You're like Larry Bird. Yeah. I am. I'm just like Larry Bird. You're like Larry Bird. The famous. You got this.

Bird. I'm like Larry Bird. the famous you got this bird. The preceding podcast was a production of puzzle in a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2024 all rights reserved.