God Awful Movies - 439: The Devil Conspiracy

Episode Date: January 16, 2024

This week, the guys team up for an atheist review of The Devil Conspiracy, the story of what might happen if the Shroud of Turin fell into the wrong hands... and that somehow mattered. --- To get tickets to see us live in Orlando, click here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-orlando-florida-tickets-778242784117 --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

So now he's trying to get her away, right? He's trying to escape with Laura, but Lucifer starts doing shit talk from inside her womb. Yeah, he's doing some fucking, some satanic shit talk. It should have had to be baby talk style from Lucifer here. Oh my god. Oh, the best comment. Look who's talking style. Yeah, there you go.

Yes. So, we'll think to stop me, do you? Oh, is this how I chalk right now? Oh my god. Not awful. Movie. Movie. Movie.

Movie. Who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be and he then write heath, welcome back. Thanks Noah. This is the perfect film. This is the plastic. God awful movie. I mean, perfect for it's like made for this podcast. I think you might be right. Yeah. And sitting nine or two miles to my northeast is my bad Fred Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? Open and ready to explore this film. Okay. Okay. So tell us, Heath, what is the perfect platonic God awful movie? It is the devil conspiracy.

It's the story of some Christian guy who ever wrote this, saying to himself, what if we found come on the shroud of turran? And what if that come fell into the wrong hand? And he moved about that. Yeah, he did. He did make a movie about that. You know what I like about this one compared to like some of our other bad, bad movies we've watched is like when you watch it, Donald James Parker flick, right?

People are harmed by the things Donald James Parker thinks and believes, right? It's bad for the world. This is insane and stupid, but like no one's walking around being like, you got to be careful about trying to raise a Mozart because before you know it, they're going to be kidnapped and ladies in the angel Michael be the only thing standing between us and the legions of hell. Right. No, this movie is to Christianity as like the Marvel Thor trilogy is, you know, to fucking

Scandinavian mythology. Right. So Eli, I have to ask, of course, how bad was this movie? Well, if you're tired of the same old stop Satan before he's born as the Annie Christ horror canards and you long for a movie written by I don't know West Craven and Bill Donahue of the Catholic League on alternating pages. That's right. You will love this movie.

All right. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for me the best of being the worst stat? Yeah. I'm going to go with best worst. Nothing matters in the movie because God and the movie stumbles upon that several times and just like deflates its entire plot. And then he's like, yep, yeah, anyway, we're going to keep going though. I know this doesn't have

nothing matters, but God, we're going to keep going might as well be on his 20 for this movie. Just no, I assure you there are stakes because he's on his 20 and he's got 10 left. And he's doing a full shift today. So we're not even allowed to ask him to copy a kid early. It's really important. Yeah. No, that's the universal problem in Christian fiction, right? Because like usually if you have an overpowered character, you can somehow sideline them, right? Like somehow professor X kids kidnapped. So now they have to deal with Adam or whatever. you can't do that with God. But fucking Kevin Smith did it with dogma, but like you generally speaking can't do that

with God. So that's a problem. God's been on his 15 for like 2000 years, I guess, in the past. Yeah, I mentioned it. So I was going to go with best worst profane devil. Fuck yes, you are. So good. Okay. So because like, you know, you the devil, he the devil uses swear So I was gonna go with best worst profane devil fuck yes you are so good Okay, so cuz like you know you the devil he the devil uses swear words because he's the devil and shit And you can do that and still make him badass and devily, right? You know you would be mired in the shit of your forefathers breath doesn't whatever or whatever But this devil just be like like, Well fuck balls, just fuck balls, god damn.

Oh shit, okay fucking balls. Shit, very first line is. Yeah, shit, shit. Well, but yes, in that exact intonation, shit, like being, yes, the devil and my wife. Yeah, like five other exact same way. Like rock to the egg, yes. Yes.

And also in case there's ever any stakes in the movie, he swears like an 11 year old to make sure that there's those don't stick around for even a second. Right. Yes. Fucking Lucifer. You will never fuck you, Craig. Okay. Well, not a big shot.

Actually, don't really do. I'm not a big shot. I really don't. I'm not a big shot. And speaking of great speeches, I'm going to go with best words to hero. He's so useless. He is the most useless. I could not begin to tell you his powers.

The word I have is electricity. Yep. Yep. But he doesn't electrify anything ever. No. I had blue as his power. The color. Oh, sure. It makes a lot more sense.

Mm-hmm. That's a more out description. Yeah. Yeah. You know how there's foods out there that are the candies that are just blue, flavored. That's right. Right. You're pretty sure it's raspberry, but you're not sure.

Is your power frost, Gatorade, man? I don't understand what you do. Listen, I know you're going to think I'm making this up. The protagonist of this movie is chained up for the last quarter of the movie. Yeah, yeah, and not just once. That's the thing. Yeah, exactly. All right, well, I'll tell you what, we've got some hellish doubts to descend to for this one.

So while we fetch the elevator, we're going to take a quick break. But we'll be back in a minute with all the lazy ass nonsense that is the devil conspiracy. Uh, smash pass. Smash. Oh, come on, definitely smash. I don't think that's how you play with Pokemon cards. I mean, what else could it be? Hey, guys, what's up to?

Playing Pokemon cards? Really? Well, what happened to your New Year's resolutions? Heath, aren't you supposed to learn a handstand on a motor vehicle? On a motorcycle, yeah. Here's the thing about that. And Eli, you were gonna invent a new goldfish.

Whatever the hell that means. Right. Are those both gone already? Yeah. I was unclear on what a goldfish was. Well, don't you have any resolutions left? I mean, I did want to save some money. Oh yeah, me too.

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Sure. Smash your pass. I don't think that's how you play Pokemon. Thank you. How else could you play it then? Well, not that you guys are no help at all. All right guys I call this meeting to order of the horror movie writers of Hollywood. Hey guys ready to write another horror movie? Yeah, yes. Another day, another dollar.

Okay, that's been the wheel. And this month is... Stop Satan before he comes, sir. Come on. It's not even October, man. Hey, guys, no whining about what the wheel lands on. So, what do we got? Okay, okay.

So what if a cult of Satanists is trying to bring Satan to earth? Okay, sure, of course. And a priest has to stop him. Okay, not a cop this time, okay. What's new? What's different? What do we change in?

I don't know this time, okay. What's new? What's different? What do we change in? I don't know. Maybe, okay, maybe he clones Jesus to do it. It's part of the plan. I mean, sure, but I can't show that on screen. Like, what's the priest doing? Is he stopping the cloning? Is he? Oh, he could be like an angel.

Careful Brian, you're raising our budget. No, I need this to be. No, just like an angel. Careful Brian, you're raising our budget now. I need this to be. No, just like an angel possessing a human body. No, like wings or angel powers or anything. Okay. Okay, that I think we can do. And what's the twist? Do we need a twist?

Can we just do it? Hey, hey, Pope's exorcist got us three more movies, man. Okay. What if he's, uh, he's born a premium, he's like mostly in Nick, you know what? We've done a lot today. I can tell we're all tired. Let's just keep premium Satan for now, unless we think of something significantly. Dumber. We'll think of something significantly dumber. Well, think of something significantly dumber. Yeah. And we're back for the breakdown.

We're going to open up on a voice over telling us the story of Satan's fall. In case we weren't familiar with who the character Satan is and what his motivations all about. Now, to be fair, they do have their own spins on it. For instance, heaven is apparently in space, in outer space. Yeah. It's a turquoise galaxy. Yes. It's the Orancia book take on the story. Yeah. Really. Yeah. And hell does appear to be in the earth's crust in this mythology. Yes. Yeah. Well, we know that because we watched Satan actually like fall from heaven

into earth's atmosphere. We watch him flame up on reentry. Apparently he's going very fast. And then pull through earth into the hell that is in its interior. Yeah. The mantle of the core, it's not clear. He's not in like liquid nickel, but like, yeah, not, not super there. And it's lit up there pretty well too. So that's not it's not clear where that's coming from either. There's wind as well, which is very confusing. Yeah, it's yeah. And this is where we get his first line. I know we tease this at the beginning,

but the first thing Satan says, I think it's the first spoken word in the movie. It's not the voice over, yeah. That isn't the voice over is shit. Yes, the angel Michael lands behind him and he goes, shit. So he tries to crawl away, but Michael, the archangel, he chains him up with a lightsaber. Right. Yeah. He's got an angel sword. I thought at first, Michael was like hell HR already there being like looser for you. Have to do.

Look in orientation now. Here's the pen. We need an i9 for you. Come on. It's all on my job application. I hate this. So yeah, but Michael gives him one last chance. He's like, Hey, do you want to say you're very, very sorry and go back to heaven and say

it's like, no, I would rather stay here. Chained and how for eternity. I already have like the demon rock face. I feel like I look weird and weird. I'm just walking around up there. Hey, grandma run fuller. Congratulations. Oh, why do I look? Well, I defied God and I got no fight with Michael.

You'll meet him. He's by the blow job fountain. You got a lot of like evil wardrobe stuff going on for heaven. But you know, I've sort of changed the whole outfit when I thought I was going to overthrow God. Okay. Not a lot of places to shop up here. Turned out. Yeah. Right. I love to. It's because like one of my first notes in here is it's like those Hindu cartoons, right? Because we're watching Michael, like, chains Satan into the interior of the earth or whatever. It's like,

yeah, when you want to visualize these stories, it's obvious how silly they are. Right. Now, because now the questions come up, like, okay, so is Satan running hell and all the demons on a three foot lead? If you just do bossy to the dam, just like step a couple of feet back and be like, yeah, but like, get me. I'm over here and I can touch this rock, man. I think chalk circle, but then he erases it and puts it a little closer and then he gets them.

Oh, nice. Yeah. Yeah. So also we learned that all the Satan's Satan's and the demons on earth, they joined forces to build a sweet fort right where Satan fell through the earth. They built a demon fort on that very spot because it's the gateway to hell, which is a hole in this movie is just a physical hole that goes to hell. Maybe don't build a big like demon castle on it. I feel like it's a strizand effect type of thing. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. So, okay. And then we get this, we, so we go to turn

in Italy, we get this stupid ass lazy fucking news voice that's going to introduce us to what's going on. The news comes in to tell us that the shroud of turn is going to be on display. Yeah. And for those of our listeners who don't know, the shroud of turn is fake. And it's also I think Christianity is most hilarious fake because they're like, no, no, we put it on the hema when he was a dad and he made a blood snow angel. It's a very serious, please take a seat.

The theory is that Jesus made like a photograph of him being resurrected on the thing. That is one of the theories. Yes, the great white light that like being out of him being resurrected on the thing. That is one of the theories. Yes, the great white light that like being doubted of him when he was resurrected imprinted in him. I'm just curious, Jesus like doing a selfie, like Jesus planking and doing a selfie. Yeah, right, yeah, doing the design, then a wago tongue.

Jesus, do another one. You're making your mother and I very upset. So, and maybe women who are or aren't here. So, and this is where we meet our main character, Laura. She's an art student who's going into the cathedral where the shroud is being displayed, but not to see the shroud. She's there to see some statue. She's got a friend who is a priest who works there. Well, I just have as father man's plane for reasons that'll be obvious by the end of the scene. I have him as father macaroni father of Maricone. I think this is Dave. Yeah. Her name is Laura Milton. It was very clever. It was very, very subtle. Yeah. And so yeah, she's going into this museum or

whatever and they have extra security because the shroud is there. And we know now that like Lucifer is doing some kind of plan. So I'm just picturing Lucifer like like putting his flames sword in the plastic dish to go around the metal. Right. Meanwhile, they're stopping Noah and patting him down.

Come on, that comes down to flames sword. Yeah, right. So she walks by, we hear one of the, like, I don't know, museum guides or whatever, is bringing a group in and they call the Shroud of Turin quote, the world's most famous object and it's most sacred. Okay. I don't think that's correct.

Just a call it the Shroud of Christ because I get they're in turn. So it's like, it's food and it's the Shroud, right? Right. Yeah. Here in Turin, we do not do the ATM machine, okay? We just need to say, just a shroud. Shroud if you're nasty. So.

And then so the priest turns to Laura because the movie needs exposition here and explains what the shroud of turin is. And he says, he's like, you know, well, we believe that Jesus died and he was buried and he descended to the dead. And then on the third day, Rosal like, yeah, man, she probably knows. I mean, she's like, she's aware of the myth. Yeah. And yes, by the way, the movie says buried.

So there's six races of people. There's six different colors. The best one. Are you, are you a ranching? So you're, you're really narrowcasten on this one. I will say exactly. Yeah. The rancher called people in the on this one. I will say. Exactly. Yeah, we ran through a lot of people in the audience.

Our love is. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So yeah, so she's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yadi Adam Rose from the dead, fucking photograph blanket. Anyway, you brought me here to see a statue and he's like, yeah, sure. Let's go look at the statue. Yeah, and they look at the statue.

They discuss evil for a little bit. I love this conversation, right? She's drawing Satan. She's like, yes, but isn't it a fascinating metaphor that evil is in some external mystical creature? And the priest has to be like, no, it is. It's some God's best friend who got in a fist fight with him. What a dangerous thing to disagree with. But yeah, he's disagree. And we should put out to that like this Laura character, like for the first 11 times that we see or we have to establish that she's an atheist, so just keep turning to people and going like, right, but angels are fake

bullshit that isn't real though, right? Like I wrote my notes here. I'm like, okay, as a guy who co-hosts several atheist podcasts, Laura, you're talking about your atheism too much. Right. Yeah. I would mention it this often. Yeah. Laura Milton relax. There's also this great moment where she's like, he's like, I've seen such evil things and she's like, so have I foreshadowing foreshadowing.

And he says, I love this line. He goes, the devil is the only way I could make sense of it. Never wrote my notes. I mean, yeah, man, that's called being stupid. Right. I think microwaves make water hot with bounce, bounce, bounce, but I don't like tell that to people. Okay, but that's much better.

That's close to what is happening. Right. You know, the closer to how he has described anything, not fair. That's fair in this story. Strong first place. Yeah. So like, he's like, okay, well, I guess you want to be alone with the statue because you're an art student and you have to add like art at it. And she's like,

well, obviously, I have to art. Yeah, I have to be alone. Also, is there a pop scare here? We don't know. I feel like the movie was not sure whether or not they had a pop scare plan. All right. But she spends the all day there. And we cut to its evening. The last tour group is arriving at the museum. And the last person in the last tour group is wearing a mysterious hooded cloak. Hey, okay, if you have like beefed up security, I want somebody to be like, hey, are you?

Are you fucking evil? Because you're wearing an evil cloak. Wait, wait, wait, wait, a smoke coming out of your eyes. What's that before you stop that the flaming lady, the woman behind her has a phone camera pointed at the screen. I'm a no cam. No picture. Yeah.

Right. Yeah. So we cut back to Laura. She still sketch in the, uh, the statue at shit. And she hears a weird noise after the site suggests to go check and see if there's a jump scare over there, right? There isn't. It's a crow, but it's a Satan crow who's in on it with the cloaked figure, right? This is it turns out it's an old lady. It's an old lady in the cloak. And we see her sneaking up behind Laura, she has to get the spear sword from the statue she's sketching.

Right. And so she employed a Satan crow to distract Laura long enough for her to do that. Right. Because in the movie, according to this movie, not only are angels and devils and all that stuff real, their stuff that's in art is the real stuff. Is the real stuff prepared?

Yeah, that's what they're saying. Or at the very least, like that they've been regularly sharpening the statue's spear. And it's the troll. Made it removable. Yeah, I did enjoy the crow though, it's definitely it's an Eli sketch crow. He's doing a bit. So he's doing a bit for a short, they, they do the little pop scare with the crow, crow flies away, but not right away. First, she like argues with the crow for a while. And it's just

like she dies. Go away. Go go. No, go away. Go away. Go away. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. does go away. Go go go. No, go away. Go. Go. I don't know what you're doing. I don't know what this is a reference to. I'm doing my way. I'm doing my way. Okay. The crows calling a doodly do. I don't know. The woods is it. We're in 2D. So yeah. So the old lady sneaks up behind her and steals the the spear thing and I have to point out, okay, so it's a spear, but it's a spear that's got like a cross on the top of it. So from a distance in this movie shot in the fucking dark constantly, from a distance and in the dark, it looks like it's a really big sword.

Yes. So it looks like this old lady is just fucking clown strife in her face. No, yeah, if the kingdom hearts come along, she's ready to fuck up Donald Duck. Let me tell you. Hi. So Laura goes to leave, but the doors locked. And that's when she sees off in the distance, old Satan lady be heading a guard with her giant sword. Well, that plan came together. Oh, I could not see the movie in this moment, but that does sound correct based on what happens next.

Right. Yeah. That, like I figured that out in retrospect. It's context exclusive. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. Now to be fair, the darker the better when you're trying to show an old lady cutting off the head of a full grown man as part of a scary thing that happens in your scary movie. Fair. Yeah. Yeah. So Laura sees this old lady behead a garden.

She's like, well, let me follow her and see what she's up to, right? So I guess the old lady takes the dude's head, walks it to where the shrapnel turn is and then uses his eyeball to turn off the security, the retinal scanners. Classic eyeball scanner. Why would the security guards eyes? Eyeball be the key to the Shrouda turn is the greatest question of the lasers. Seems like the wrong.

That feels like a weird system. Yeah, also why would the retinal scanner work in an eyeball that no longer had blood running into? There's a lot of questions here. He's got to like empty the garbage can on the inside of the lasers every night. And he's like, yeah, come on, just make it a little easier. You guys got to give me access. But yes, retinal scanners need to start recognizing beheadings. That will provide a lot of bad guys stuff.

Retinal plus neck scanners, everybody. They're the next look for neck shoulders. Yeah, exactly. I'm like for nipples. They're the next level. There's no nipples scanners, everybody there. Look for neck shoulders. Yeah, exactly. I'm like for nipples. The next level. So nipples too. Yeah, there you go. Also in the nature of lazy third beats, right? Because she's cut off this guy's head. She deactivates the eye lasers, right? And then the B, B, B, B, but then to get the shrapnel out, she just has to smash the glass. Yeah. Like fucking Antifa fucking up a Starbucks. Renye. Yeah.

Oh, damn, it's that shatter proof. I got to kind of bend it. It's kind of plastic. It's going to go, but it's going to snap what it does. And then so, but father mansplain hears that. So he comes running in and he's like, hey, don't do that. And she's like, oh, I didn't think about it like that. You fucking idiot.

And then she kills them. Stabs. Luckily, luckily as she kills him, she gives him a very nice pause to do the full. Lord, age your Michael, if you could take my body and if you needed for the rest of the movie, I'm totally cool with you taking my body over. But I don't really have any power. So I hope you enjoy this body. Go back.

Stab. And twist. Yeah. Yeah. No, she stabs him in a way that's going to allow him to have a dramatic final line. And of course, Laura is hiding in the confessional the whole time watching this happen. And we have the whole like does Satan lady hear her or doesn't she? She does.

By the way, they do. She does. Yeah. They find her and then they kidnap her. And then after they walk out, yeah, Father Mansplain, he turns to the sky and he's like, Archangel Michael, possess my body and kick some Satanic ass with it.

And Michael's like, why would I want your body? I'm a giant angel. Yeah. How would that help? Michael takes it like a gift he didn't want. He's like, oh, thank you. Cool. Cool.

Yeah. Right. I'll just, uh, thank you. Cool. Cool. Yeah. Uh huh. I'll just, uh, ashes of your dog. Cool. Go ahead and grab a sweet, priest body. Sick. I wanted him to take the body and then instantly die. Fuck, why did you give me one with a sword in it?

That's what I had. Okay. Hey, next time offer a body that's not physically dying maybe. That would be great. It would be fucking great. Did you have a heart murmur? You gave me a body that's not physically dying. Maybe that would be great. That would be fucking great. Did you have a heart murmur? You get a body with a heart murmur? So we cut outside the bad guys are shoving Laura into the decided to kidnap her because

maybe Satan is into blondes. You know, they don't know. So their kidnap and her the shoving her into the getaway car. But when they turn on the headlights, possessed father, man's blame. Now with the Archangel Michael inside of him is standing in front of the truck. Right. And I got to say I could not have predicted this scene for $10,000, right? Because we all know how this scene is supposed to go, right? they drive away quick but he's got angel powers now so he's like and he catches the car and he tears open the back of it

and he's like she's got back up now if you thought that was what's gonna happen that's not what happens you know out of breath about three feet behind the again an Eli sketch happens in the movie and I wrote this movie. So just to be clear about the magical powers of Archangels in particular, Michael, the Archangel, it's going to build in a very confusing way throughout the movie. The first thing we learn here is that he's kind of fast at running, but not faster than us. Fast. Yeah, now you say bolt fast Yeah, not catch a car. No, not catch a van fast and he has like a power meter that runs out

Very quickly like a video game and then he's promise. Yeah And they get away. Yeah, he's just like God God's gonna be like do more cardio fucking How many you gotta have eight points of water every day. But I used to have wings. Why didn't I stay with the wings? I used to have wings. I didn't know why didn't I stay with the wings.

And now we're gonna cut over to one of my favorite bad guy establishing the scenes of all God damn time. So it starts with this kid, just absolutely shred in a violin, right? Kids killing it on the violin. It's fucking hard. He was amazing. And I was like, there's no, oh, no, we're in Italy.

So everybody, every kid is just like eating olives on a porch swing and playing the violin all day, whatever. And he's amazing. Probably language has four words. They're great. Yeah. So this is where we meet Dr. Lawrence. He's introducing himself to like this satanic elite cabal meeting and the violin kid is

his hype man. Yeah. He's the show floor model. Yeah, exactly. Right. So he's explaining to everybody that with his new technology, they're cloning all the great geniuses of the past. And all of the satanic elite that are there are bidding on buying

like the baby clone of Galileo or Machiavelli or Michelangelo, which is fucking amazing. Hey, should we do Machiavelli? Is that the best idea? That seems like not great, right? Did we just pick Italian people because we're in Italy? A guy who wrote a farcical book describing what he considered to be politics of the time. I feel like, hey, did someone who has a scar face poster in their home, maybe choose Machiavelli? Cause I feel like that's what happened. They did Machiavelli and politics go great here in the history of Italy. Are we crushing it?

Would you say with that? And Michelangelo, like, oh, well, yeah, we need more great painters in the history of Italy. Are we crushing it? Would you say with that? A Michelangelo like oh well yeah, or what we need more great painters in the world now. No offense to painters, but come on, give you a fucking break. Right, hon. I know you got your heart set on Michelangelo, but I'm looking at the price of marble here

and I do not know how many angels we can afford. I get it, have him see. And right, yeah, now that I think about it, the kid, he's going to like make obnoxious modern art now, even if we do give him the marble, right? Right. Right. Exactly. He's going to make a color pink that on each of our can't use because he'd be, he'd live in this time and he'd be annoying. Exactly.

He'd make the bean. And of course, we learned at the end of the sales pitch that the kid, the violin kid, was a clone of Vivaldi this whole time, huh? Okay, but like, how would that even work? I don't know. Alright, son, this is your new home. And this is your violin. Oh wow, you guys are gonna get me lessons?

Oh you don't need lessons son because you are Mozart. Sorry what? Genetically, your Mozart. Right but Mozart wasn't born playing the violin. Actually, son, he pretty much was. He wrote his first piece of music when he was three. Okay, that sounds like a pretty obvious lie, but even if it wasn't, weren't his family members like musicians? Oh, were they?

Yeah, look, I just googled it. Mozart grew up in a family of traveling musicians. That you literally did nothing but music his whole life. Oh, I see, okay. Well, here's the thing, your dad and I, we're on a Wall Street. So I played Clare Annette in the sixth grade for a little while. Okay, so like hire someone to teach me, I guess?

Sure. Yeah, I guess. Sure. Yeah, I'll check the, I guess the parent groups on Facebook. Yeah, good to check. You sure you don't wanna like just give it a go. See if the old jeans are gonna do it for you. I mean, okay. Yeah, nope, not a genetic thing.

I'll make some calls. Yeah. Yeah. Are you, are you can stop now? I just... Okay. Try it then. So, yeah, so we get the Satan lady arrives at Dr. Lawrence place with the shroud of

Turin and kidnapped Laura, right? We cut briefly back to the cathedral where the shroud was long enough for the priests. We have like a funny little scene where the priests watch. Father Mansplain get stabbed and then he walks in and he's just like, Hey, I'm taking your jacket and they're like, wait, what happened? It's such a weird terminator like give me your clothes moment for this otherwise very humorless film.

Right. So, okay. Well, no, actually, the high point of the movie's humor is in the next scene, right? So father man's plan is going to go, he's got to go to find a hermit priest somewhere to get information from him. So he drives, he's driving along and in excess devil inside display it on the radio. Yeah. And he's like, Oh, I just devil music. I can't listen to that. And he switches over. And it's send me an angel that's playing instead. Really wanted this to keep going. Right. He opens

up his portable laptop player angels in the out here's the thing that's a good joke. I laughed out loud. I was like, okay, that's a good bit. But send me an angel like in excess was thematically correct for as he's walking out action style to go see the about the fucking good send me an angel is not and then they're just stuck with that as over this like montage of doing science. You shit to the shroud. And the archangel Michael has to like,

yes, and that music and be like, okay, actually do like this song. And he starts to say, I'm gonna say it for a second. The only other thing that happens here, which I very much enjoyed is they show us a quick thing of the bad guys doing their science with the shroud. Yeah.

They're supposed to be taking DNA of Jesus Christ of Nazareth out of this stupid fake sheet. But they're, what were they used for that? It's like a turkey based dirt. They're like, it's so funny. Come off of the sheet with a turkey based dirt. So, so,

there was a furious fight in the props department where someone was like, it's a pipe at Dave, It's a fucking pipe at. All right. Well, sorry to say that song switch was the high point of the film. So we're going to take a break here where we're all feeling good, but we'll be back soon with even more of the devil conspiracy. I don't know. Are you sure they didn't have an orchid? Oh my god. For the last time, yes, if you wanted a nice flower, don't have me go to the grocery store next time. Hey, guys, what's up to? Yeah. So Eli and I

are using the fly machine to make ourselves into plants. Half plants, heath, we're going to be half plants now. Okay. Can I ask why? Because we're sick of trying to choose what's for dinner every night. Yeah. Chinese, Thai, Indian, cooking at home, it's never ending. And expensive. Well, why don't you guys try Hello Fresh? Oh, what's... Hello Fresh. With Hello Fresh, you get farm fresh, pre-porsioned ingredients,

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One breakfast item per box, well subscription is active. That's free breakfast for life at hellofresh.com slash awful free with the code awful free. Nice, thanks Noah. Okay, so when did we get a fly machine? Oh, remember when we wanted to make Lucinda a squirrel horse? Oh, right.

And that did not go well. No, it did not. I still hear the tiny winnies of terror in my dream sometimes. Me too, Eli. Me too. And on that day, I shall sneak in at the final viewing and claim the shroud for myself. Sorry, boss. Yes, Jerry, right?

Yeah, good with names, nice. Well, I try. Yeah, so are you gonna go in there like a gun? Just buy yourself, because we have guns, you don't have to go by yourself. No, no, actually, you're gonna love this. I'm gonna steal a sword and then kill the guard with that. And then I'll use his head that I cut off

to deactivate the lasers and then take the shroud back in a flash like a You'll Bing-Bing boom Great cool. I got it. Sorry question. Yeah Oh, I thought you might know my name too. I said sorry You're new right? It's not that new. I've been here for like four months. Okay. I'm sorry. Did you have a question or was this just a pop quiz about your name? No. Sorry. Um, so just what if someone inside the exhibit has a gun? Like, do you have magic Satan powers or something? Uh, wait. That's not clear. I do have like a big echoey,

yell thing that I can do. Uh, but I, yeah, I look like a librarian who's going to see me coming. Yeah, I guess, I guess so. Right. So if there are no further questions, we'll just hope that the most important part of our multi-year plan goes exactly as planned without any hitches. Good? Yeah.

Okay. It works for me. All right. Should I not have said the name thing? I've been here for like four months. I've been here for like four months. I've been here for like three years. So, well, I didn't realize there was a standard. We're a Satanist cult.

Yes, we are. So. And we're back for more of this shit. We're gonna rejoin the action early the next morning with Michael headman, the woods to save the day. And they do this for so long with this character. They keep filming every time he's walking. It's like he's about to bust into the bad guys fortress, but like, he's going to see our hermit priest. Yeah, he seems lost in the film. Yeah.

But he's walking with purpose, God damn it. Hey, hey, Michael's saying. Yeah, right. So he gets to the Hermit priest, the Hermit priest racks a shotgun at him and he says, like, I guess this Hermit priest was supposed to be like a whistle blower for the child rape thing. Yeah, would be whistle roar. Or he was like, in the previous Wackety-Schmackety scene, they were like, he was so crazy.

He said the devil was coming back. So they sent him to a hermitage for one, talking about how the devil is real too much and to calling them out for the child rape. Yeah. Seems like the former is just a could be an excuse. Yeah. Yeah. This was weird. He sees Michael and he's like, you hear to confess for probably fucking kids. And I was like, wow, movie didn't think you were going to mention that, but okay. Well, that's just the way we're at a point now where if you put a Catholic priest into your movie, you have to be like, but not one of the rapy ones, though. I know what you're thinking.

This is one of the guys who was against the rapy. Just pan over to the side of the mountain. There's a big line of other priests. But, but hermit priest looks deep into his eyes and he's like, wait, you're fucking Archangel possessing a dead guy. Are you? I know that look. Yep. Yep. It's weird that you recognize that right away. He still looks at the other side of the mountain. There's a line of Archangel possessing a dead guy. We get a weird cross traffic here. Yeah. Really got the fast pass here. So yeah, but he's like, they stole the shroud of turin. You have to help me and he's like, all in 100% all in. So they head inside his thing.

I guess archangel Michael has has brought along the surveillance footage to show to the hermit to yeah. And the hermit shows him he's got a like a fucking telescope aimed at the the Hell Castle. Yes, the bad guy Fortress. He's like, yeah, don't worry, I'm keeping eye on it. You'll notice I can see that there's a building there. There's no windows on this side unfortunately. So you think this is all related to my neighbors

in the demon castle that you can see? Yes, right over here. Yeah. Michael looks at the telescope. Yeah, there's a demon looking right back at me with a telescope. Yeah, I just wanted to say, not that you mentioned it. Yeah, but my nose like, don't worry,

Satan can't escape. God would never allow it. And the hermit, guys, like, dude, have you read the fucking Bible? The Bible? Like, yeah, obviously he does escape though. Oh, there's a prophecy in the Bible about that because that kind of makes my whole job kind of dumb so far.

Like my whole stupid existence. And he says, again, this is the hermit guy. He goes, well, God sent you, right? And Michael's like, now I wanna talk about it. Right, did God like make Michael give up his badge And Michael's like, now I wanna talk about it. Right. Did God like make Michael give up his badge and his gun and us and an off screen so that we didn't get or something? Yeah.

And I will point out, never resolved. We never find out what happened. We never understand if God was on fucking vacation on his 20 like I said, all we know is that fucking Michael has gone bro gone this one. Yeah. All we know is that fucking Michael has gone rogue on this one. Yeah, Michael did an end run around the omnipotent creator of the universe. Yeah, is the movie. So, and when he tells the priest that he's like, oh, okay.

And there's truly again, like an Eli sketch, there's about a second and a half of pause. And he's like, well, I'm going to go punch those people. Yeah, no, go, go. Good luck with that. Yeah, you know, I have to say I'm just trying to do it on this side of the building. I'll watch. So the Herman also establishes, he's like, oh, so now, yeah, the old lady, the old Satan lady that you saw earlier, I'm sure she's behind it.

Also, there's a monster and he's like, really? A monster is a, yep, there's a monster is totally biblical, totally counts. You'll probably run into him while you're beating up Satan. And he's like, oh, all right. Well, I guess the audience is prepared now for a monster. Is that in the book, too? I don't know why I didn't read the book on this stuff.

That should be in my like packet for orientation. Is there a special way to kill the monster? Is there a thing? No, you just don't worry about this. Get in there and wrestle him. I need a higher security clearance level in heaven. So yeah, so then we get a quick, so like the, the herm is going to take Michael to a secret cave that'll get him into the castle. So they're driving along, listening to exposition radio. We come back to the Shroud Lab real quick. They're making so much progress that there's a hellquake and Satan is able to pull himself free from the sword.

What? I don't. Wait, so the power of Michael's sword was keeping Satan attached to hell so long as Jesus Christ's DNA wasn't removed from a piece of cloth. What? Yes. Keep up. Yeah. And evil souls were showing up in hell this whole time. And there was no devil. The devil was just like stuck there being like, I'm going to do some stuff eventually. Yeah. I go. I don't know if you guys have seen, you guys are gonna get so tortured. Oh man. I don't know if you guys have seen,

but there's a little boy just born called Francis Crick and he is a pretty big brick in my tower of demons. Could someone bring me like an abacus or something to play? Do you guys have the steam deck yet? No, no steam decks yet. Well, when you get one, please bring me one. You want an abacus to play with? Yeah, get one, please bring me one. Cause you want an advocate to play with. Yeah, you know, keep me amuse to do math.

What I was trying to think of an old time, you think? Fuck off. So yeah, so, but we also learned the bank guys have learned that Laura is very promising as a potential like surrogate mom for the Satan baby. So we cut to the prison apparently, they've kidnapped several women, you know, so they have like backup surrogates if they need them spares. Yeah, they mentioned that she's the right blood type,

which already I was like, you don't know what you're talking about. And then they mentioned like, well, her menstrual cycle timing, that's good for us. And, you know, no scoliosis, check for that. Did a Myers-Briggs ISTJ, no, no, scoliosis checked for that. Um, did, uh, did a Myers Briggs ISTJ actually, so that's, right? So that's real. His moon rises on a Scorpio and her son rises on the house. That's a good patch. Yeah. So, so they go in to get her and another chick. And then they, they bring them them in strap them to gurneys and rape babies into them, which is uncomfortable.

They upsetting and not fun, not a chill time. For all the things that this movie yada yada yada's they were like, hey, hey, everyone slow down. We need to show all of this sexual assault insemination. Okay. It's important to the movie. Absolutely terrifying, but honestly at this moment, I was like, okay important to the movie. Absolutely. Terrifying. But honestly, at this moment, I was like, okay, if the movie ends with Laura having an abortion of demon Jesus, this is my favorite. Holy abortion. I wrote in my notes, all men, if the rest of this movie is just her trying to get an abortion, but Catholic fascists have stopped her and therefore empowered Satan is the fucking best. You got to consider the life of the demon. It's all right.

You're, you know, not doing it. I had a lot of notes along the lines of, is this all just like an analogy for healthcare in the red states or yeah. Yeah. Okay. Series question. Does the movie think that you should be pro life

for a demon, a literal demon baby? Is that unclear part of their message? I don't know, deeply unclear. Well, ultimately, the right thing to do is gonna be to have the baby. So yeah, probably. Yeah, it's fair. So, and then Liz comes in,

well, they're two and all this stuff, while Laura strap down and she's like, you know, when I first saw you, I knew you were the female lead. And she's like, well, I mean, thank you. This is an awkward time to tell me that, but thank you. Hey, hey, look at I mean, thank you. This is an awkward time to tell me that, but thank you. Hey, hey, look at me, look at me.

You can do this. You can give birth to Satan. Okay. I believe in you. Weird pep talk, ma'am. It's just a weird moment for a pep talk, not doing a fist bump. So meanwhile, Michael and the hermit are walking bad acidly through the woods to action music. This is great moment.

The Hermes still got a shotgun. He shoots this satanic crow that's apparently been following him. Yeah, that was a Satan crow. Satan crow. I got it though. Don't worry. And Michael's like, are you sure it wasn't just a crow? And he's been following us for a while. And he's like, yeah, crows do that sometimes too, man. Just crows. Oh, shit. Really wanted a flash cut to an angel back up in heaven. Why tried to go down and help him out as a crow, but this fucking anti-petophile guy, Shommy. So yeah. So hermit's like, I don't go any further than this. And Michael's like, why not? He's like, cause they only have me. I'm a known actor. I'm a, I'm a

that guy from that thing. So they can't afford me for much longer. Because you guys actually just came to visit me in my castle retreat. And I said, you could shoot in my kitchen if you didn't capture my kitchen staff. Yes. But he's like, take the shotgun with you and a torch. And he's like, really not a flashlight. He's like a flamen fucking torch. It looks more badass way more cool. Yeah. Okay. So yeah. So he goes through the tunnel, the cave that's going to lead him into the Satan palace. Okay. Did he clear the Satan palace people built an infiltration tunnel just for this? Yeah. You know, in case someone needs to surprise them. Yeah. Right. Right. A torch tunnel. Yeah.

So we cut over to like, I guess, Satan church. They've got Laura and Brenda, they're bringing them out to the fucking arena where Hopper fought the Demagorgan. Correct. Wearing like wedding veils. Hey, no illusions. Great poll. Thank you. Great poll.

Exactly. Correct. Wearing wedding veils. Yes. Satanism's not a religion. It's a relationship, I guess. Yeah. Exactly.

So to be clear, the process, the two-part process for having Satan's baby is first someone plants a clone of Jesus in you, but then you just got the savior of the world and you're you, Doress. Am I right? We don't want that. So then you have to go through like a whole other satanic entering the fetus ceremony. And that's what we're about to start. Okay. Okay. I just want to be clear. So they established like in the most hand-wave way possible that most fetuses aren't strong enough to hold Satan. That's why they had to get a Jesus clung because that body would be strong enough to hold an eternal, right? Camille John Gianni comes bursting out of this kid's chest.

Ah, eternal. No one saw that movie. No, that was hungry for so long. So they chain the lore and this other potential surrogate to a post, then the beast comes out. Now they don't want to show us how bad their makeup is for the beast. So we just keep seeing sort of like his arm and, you know, we can see his shadow. It kind of looks like the predator, I guess. Yeah. You know what someone's like, you know, when you see like those world strongest man things,

and they all just look like, you know, your dad's big friend, and they do super impressive stuff, and they're really strong, but you're not like, wow, that guy's muscle has a lot of definition to it. That's how the beast looks, right? The beast just kind of looks like a guy who might help your dad move some heavy shit at your garage. Right, right. Eternal. And you go, wow, you lifted that home.

Thank. Dad bod. Yeah. Interesting pick. Maybe he has some problematic ideas that he says during the move and your dad does that head shake thing while he talks. Like, we're just not talking about. I've known him since college we're just not talking about.

I've known him since college. We're not doing it. His band is one person who takes Ivermectin. Michael is still speed walking through the caves, you know, doing his mall walk. He drops a flare at one point and we're like, dude, you have it towards you. He's like, yeah, it looks more badass this way. I just thought it might be a nice moment. Safe point.

He literally is safe scumbing movie. And okay, I don't want to jump too far ahead. So gentlemen, feel free to slow me down, but I believe that this is the process for lowering the ladies down to hell. Chain them up to a post in the fucking garden where the guy, guy, wife, with a big gallery of people to watch. Yeah, yeah. They're arena.

Change them up. Then the beast comes out from his cave and just sort of unhooks them a bit. Seems unnecessary. They then go down to the entire ceremony for the people in the gallery to be here. Yes, the people in the gallery go a home after all. They're all like, oh, it's done. So it's not going to get to see them. It's got big second task of the tri-wizard tournament.

Yeah, he's going on there. Yeah. But then he puts them in a bird cage, which he then dramatically lowers down to hell. In the hell hole they've got, it's so funny because we all wrote in our notes because he's lower and I'm down in this bird cage and he he's, I'm like, are they lowering them to hell? We all wrote that. And then yes, he is. At one point, he's like, oh, this is going to take forever.

So he just like, let's them go into free fall. Right. And then he stops. And I'm like, well, that's the same as just pulling and hitting the ground. That's how you give the brightest state and whiplash, okay? The beast got to be careful, bud. Yeah. Yeah. So, but they, he lowers them The beast, you gotta be careful, bud. Yeah.

Yeah, so he lowers him way down, like halfway to hell or whatever, but you demonic cage monkeys jump on him and grab him. And that's when the satanic lava tentacle of the devil floats up to them. Yeah. Hentai, smoke, Satan, snake is what they went with. There was definitely a Hentai pervert who was like, was this what you guys were thinking? They were like, no man, how long did you animate this for?

76 hours. I'm gonna have the snake go in mouths and ears and stuff. Okay, yeah, we got it, man. Just put it in the movie and let's not talk anymore when there are breaks. Yeah. Yeah, I balls. So the dusty lava dick flies into what? the movie and let's not talk anymore when there are breaks. Yeah. The acid eyeballs. So the dusty lava dick flies into what the other surrogate, the other potential surrogates

mouth, she dies, right? Because she can't handle Satan's lava dick. And so it flies back out and it flies into Laura's mouth. Luckily she can handle Satan's lava dick and is virgin Mary material because she's a Sagittarius. Yeah. I want her to just keep blowing away the smoke tentacle and. And come on, come on.

I got you just burst my head again. You're wrecking the moment. So yeah, so they bring her back up to the demigorgan arena. Liz, the old Satan lady, she declares her to be the chosen one. Everybody chance their approval like Satanists are want to do. But a bunch of people had already left just being like, what is this Dave Chappelle show? It's done. He just left. Okay. So you didn't get to see this part. But yeah, they chant like, she's the chosen one or

whatever. Yeah. So then they take Laura back to, I guess, her magneto jail cell where she's going to be pregnant. Yep. All right. You're pregnant in here, which I think means that the rest of this movie takes place over nine months, maybe. I guess there's no bathroom there.

There's no place to sit. Yeah. It's very sad. Would you say you have a longer gestation or a shorter gestation? I feel like you could like consciously be like, oh, I'm growing myself. Yeah. It's very. We're very. You're have a longer gestation or a shorter gestation. I feel like you could like consciously be like, oh, I'm growing myself and be ready to go in a couple of weeks. Right. Yeah.

But if it's too fast, then it's sort of goofy, then you get sort of like a gym carries the mascot of big plate of meatball situation. Right. I don't understand why you want to slow roll it. Yeah. So you want to get straight to the heartbeat just to be sure, right? Yeah, exactly. Of course.

You want to be protected in Ohio. Get inside those bills. Yeah. Yeah. So, okay. So then we cut back to Michael, who's apparently been walking down these tunnels long enough for this entire ceremony to go through for her to be impregnated and get the Satan lava dick and everything.

He's still walking through the tunnels. Stopped at a mall map. Okay. So I walked past the synabun already. Yeah. Hold on, I got to turn around to be the same face as them. I'm not, I'm going to get in in it. So my left. Okay. So yeah, the music seems apologetic that nothing has happened with this character yet, but finally he gets to like the door. It's locked. And I'm like, a fucking course. This is Satan's fortress. Why would they leave the door unlocked you fucking idiot? But he shotguns this way in. He walks in.

There's two bad guys. He's like, hiding from the two bad guys that are just standing there. I'm like, this could not more mimic an assassin's creed mission. If he'd had to tag these bad guys with a bird first, I mean, give me a fucking bird. Yeah, they might as well be walking back and forth like two Koopa troopers, like same and level of security. I know we have so much of this movie still left to cover, but I do have to talk about him losing the Mexican standoff. And I'm going to use a little bit of an obscure metaphor.

So sometimes when Heath, Noah and I are playing a board game, there will be a moment where we have to stop and Noah's like, no, Eli, if you do that, you lose because you'll do that and then he will do that. That's what happens to him in this Mexican standoff and he can shot. He's like, don't move or I'll shoot you. And the other guy's like, if you shoot him, I'll shoot you. And he's like, oh, then I give up my gun. And he's like, nope, still going to shoot you.

And he's like, oh, god damn, sorry. It's my first standoff. And then the movie has to be like, okay, well, no, it doesn't matter. He's an archangel. Doesn't matter. Electricity, blue. He can turn blue and now he has heels. So yeah, so he heals.

He beats the shit out of those guys. And then he like dresses as a guard and he goes straight to the shroud of turn room. He can smell it, I guess. Yup. Maybe smell it. Okay. Why is he trying to get the shroud at this point? That's nothing, right? It it, I guess. Yep. Maybe smell it. Okay. Why is he trying to get the shroud at this point? That's nothing, right?

It's, we're done. Way late for that. The come is out of the shroud. There's already a fetus on the way, right? Yeah. He's in a different act of the movie at this point. Right. Also, I treat my blankets more delicately when I fold them than he does.

He might as well crumple up the shroud of trash. Trunches it. It's fucking scrunches it up. Is it a fitted sheet? eloquently when I fold them, then he, he might just a crumple up the shroud of trance is it? It's fucking scrunches it up. Is it a fitted sheet? It's like trying to, you're trying to fold a fitted sheet and you just give up and settle on like ball around your arm that goes into the drawer. Exactly.

Exactly. So Dr. Laurent comes when he's stealing the shirt. He's about to walk off, right? But then there's a computer that's open to the security camera looking at Laura in her magneto cell. And he's like, wait, what's this? Just then Dr. Lauren walks in, Michael attacks him. He's like, tell me your evil plans. And he's like, well, you know, Satan, Satan stuff, man, duh. And he's like, all right, well, fuck you. I'm going to blow this room up and then walk slowly away from it as it explodes in some motion, which was great.

I enjoyed that moment. Yeah. He blows this room up and I promise you podcast listener, not only will most of the movie still take place in this castle, it will never be acknowledged that he caused a giant explosion. No, underground. I just wanted the rest of the movie for the rest of the movie. Everyone's just like walking around construction sites and is like, sorry,

we have to take the stairs. Someone blew up the elevator. I don't know why we kept a whole bunch of explosive gas tanks right next to the shroud that we were using. I see. I kind of got my ideas. So we go back to Laura Sal and she turns to the garden. She's like, Hey, there's a fire alarms going off. Should we do something about that? Should anybody maybe do something about that? And while that guys like trying to figure out what to do, Michael comes in and beats him up too.

Right. So now he's trying to get her away, right? He's trying to escape with Laura, but Lucifer starts doing shit talk from inside her womb. Yeah. He's doing some fucking some starts doing shit talk from inside her womb. Yeah, he's doing some fucking some satanic shit talk. It should have had to be baby talk style from Lucifer here. Oh my God. The best comment. Look who's talking style.

Yeah, there you go. Yes. So we'll think to stop me. Do you always just how I talk right now? Oh no. I'm going to grow my hard palate and then I will get back to you. I'll tell you that your soul will burn with a thousand songs. So Laura runs, she realizes that wait, that's not father man's plane. He died in the thing. I'm going to run away. So she runs off, he chases her. I wrote my notes. I feel

like an alarm that baths your hideout in red strobe lights isn't helping to like mitigate whatever emergency. It's a learning you to. Yeah. Yeah. No, definitely still a part of a problem. But finally, he catches up with her and he's like, look, I'm an archangel and I went into your buddy and I'm here to help you. Very important. Have you been mouth-raped by any lava tentacles in the last 24 hours? And she's like, I maybe she's like, maybe one. Choose not to answer. Yeah. So then the bad guys catch up with them. They start shooting an old ladies, old Satan ladies.

Like, you fucking idiot. We just impregnated her with Satan. She's carrying the god damn anti-crash. You fucking idiot and shoot some in the head. Yeah. As she's doing that, Michael and Laura are squeezing through a tight little crack to get to a different part of the movie. Right. Unfortunately, though, the beast is over on that side of the tight little crack. So this guy's job is take two ladies after snarling in like a two minute ceremony and guard this one getaway tunnel area.

Right. The tunnels clear of trespassers. Yeah. Okay. I like his technique though. He's a side tackle demon side tackle based villain. Yes. Yeah.

This is also the first time we get a full look at him. And he's either a fire breathing bird or fire in a bird mask. I don't know. Yeah. One of those things. Yeah. So yeah. So he's fighting.

Michael's fighting the beast. He jumps on his back like Wesley trying to have takedown fessic. Right. So dumb. And all the big. He tries all of his blue angel lightning juice, but none of it's helping. And then Lord just gets captured. Yeah.

Right? Because he's useless. The hero is useless. And she says, all right, but if you hurt Michael, I will throw myself down and set a stairs. Fuck up your baby. And she's like, don't, don't be like that. Don't do that. Don't come on. I also like that the side tackle demon is just hitting Michael over and over

while that's happening because he does a tackle. And then he like runs into the dark somewhere else. And then he comes back the other way. Oh, that's happening the whole time. Yeah. If there were any danger of us taking this movie seriously, what you have to picture is in the foreground, Laura and evil Satan lady having a let me go or I'll kill the baby conversation while in the background, this giant bird guy with the body of John Cena's great grandfather just doing fucking elbow drop. Yeah. This is what I'm, it might as well be Cecil yelling is the Boston lady in the background. As far as like seriousness goes.

So then we cut to Lorby and strapped down to her bed. Michael wakes up, he's chained up now, but don't worry, he pulls at his chains with all his angel might and they break. Nothing ever matters in the movie. They do the thing and it's like, oh, nope. It does. Nope. No, undid. That's nothing.

The thing we did is nothing. My turn to write a page. Yeah, fine. Nothing happens. Seems like Michael would just like leave that shitty body and take any other one. I don't know. Any other body. Get the beast body. The five tackle beams.

There you go. That would be so fucking useful. But no, he poses and apparently they've locked him in the room that has the health tunnel in it. There was an HR meeting at the end of this that was like, okay, from now on, move our chaining spot to not in the room with the literal. Okay. Yes. literal. Okay. Yes, exactly.

Okay. Right. So, yes, so he gets free. The beast is like, oh, I'm going to kick your ass. He's like, no, I'm going to jump down the hellhole. Just jump all the way to hell. And then I'm going to go kick Satan's ass. And he jumps down the hellhole and the beast is like, I feel like that works too.

I wanted you to do that. You lost a fight to me, man. You're gonna go fight my boss in hell, right? He's much better at side tackling than even me. I was dumb of you. Stay out of this three foot circle. That's my advice. Yeah, right.

All right, well, this movie will never seem more promising. So I guess this is the best time for another break. But first, let me give me give actor the hard sell. Will Michael manage to kick some ass and get some answers? Will he instead just get the shit beat out of him and get chained up again? Will that be essentially the only thing he manages to do for the entire fucking movie? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the dumb but fun conclusion of the devil conspiracy.

All right. So good. You're gonna get such a pump. Hey, guys, what are you doing? Get ready. Get rip. I had no clue. Yeah, he said we're getting ready to get ripped with our new work out gear. We got hydropax, goo stabilizers, bunch of stuff.

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Get 25% off your subscription or try the app for free at fitbod.me slashgam. That's F-I-T-B-O free at fitmod.me slash gam. That's FITBOD.me slash gam. You like drastically shorten their lives. It does sound like an excellent product. That's right Eli. That's no way I said. Yes it is. Father macaroni, thank you for your assistance. Anything for you, Michael, you are the God's hound.

Indeed. Indeed I am. So real quick before I go, when we met, you mentioned the church's attack on the children of God. You said something like that. What did you mean exactly? Did I say that? I don't think I don't remember. Yeah, remember you were like, you're a group of demons. You said that to me. Are there demons within the Vatican? So here's the thing, the church.

Yeah, there's a rock of St. Peter. That's the one. Anyway, we've had a little bit of an issue with... Sorry, father with what, what did you say? little bit of an issue with conversation. Sorry father with with what what do you say? You're doing a weird thing with your mouth when you're child molestation. It's like a big it's most of what we do for the last thousand years. Oh yeah so I was I was I was I was a bringing that up. Of course. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well

here's the thing. I'm more of a demon guy. No, of course. I totally. No, like not that the other thing isn't serious. It's just absolutely. No, I understand. I just you know, I've got like a big lightning sword. It seems like y'all need for that. Some kind of like judicial oversight. Right, yeah. Is there an angel of judicial oversight just off the top of my head? Huh, you know what? I will ask when I get up there.

See if I can send someone down. That would be great. That would be really great. Yeah. Yeah. Awesome. Cool. Cool. But hey, good luck with the demon thing though, right? That's thanks. Good luck. So is it like still a big very much still a problem? Yes. Got it. Sure. Yeah, so I'm gonna ask up there. Thank you. And we're back for still more of this shit. We're gonna rejoin the action by checking in on baby Satan in utero. Right? Mm-hmm. The demon Jesus fetus that we're gonna get to see a lot for the rest of the movie. Yeah, this's the star of the last third of the show.

I kept saying Jesus fetus to myself over and over and over. Like that's funny. Jesus fetus. Jesus fetus. Jesus fetus. Jesus fetus. Oh yeah. Sure. Okay. Yeah. Like sugar babies. Yeah. Of what less problem than way less problem. Attic. But so yeah, so but Satan, lady is watching over Laura

and the, and the Jesus fetus. Michael, meanwhile, he crawls along the ground in hell because he's just jumped down the pit. And he was just like, wow, I thought there would be like some cushions or something like a ball pit. Oh, I'm just a guy. Fuck. Whoa.

Didn't think this through. I fell so far or not so far. It's unclear. It's really unclear. So yeah, but then he's attacked my demons. He fights them off. Yeah, the demons are, they're good at the takedown, like the wrestling part, but they need some BJJ in there.

Right. Right. To finish it off. Yeah. And he throws the demon away. He looks up. He sees that Satan has escaped. Like Satan's pulled himself free of this order and he's like, well, fuck, then what the hell?

I can't jump back up now. Why wouldn't my boss tell me about this? That's so fucking weird. All right. And then a bunch of like devil birds fly up and land next to him and turn into demons. They have a little, a little reunion. Yeah, it's so it's Maman is the name of like the lead devil bird, actual demon guy.

Yeah. And all of a sudden it's so weird in this movie. We get the tone of like a high school reunion. All of a sudden it was like, oh, hey, Hey, Maman. Hey, Mike. So you have been a while, right? Hey, how's it going? You look good.

You're in a human body. That's weird. Weird. That's weird. You still partying with the guys down at the time. Hey, yeah. So yeah, and then the so the demon, the bad guys, like they all pull out their fire sabers. And I'm like, okay, that's lazy as fuck, but now we've established that the bad demons have fire sabres and we saw him have a light sword earlier.

At least we're setting up an awesome light sword fight, but no, we're not. No, we are not. Sores will literally only be used as tent poles in this film. Yes, right. Yeah, yeah, because they chain him up here. They're like, we're going to chain you up with Lucifer sword and he's like, I'll fight you and they're like, you're just a dude. You're just a dude who jumped down into hell and he's like, fuck, I am.

Well, I'm a dude who after a minute, you can beat up some art. Do you have a chain for me to break? I could probably break a chain. Not this one, unfortunately. Came me a second. And they have this stupid ass exposition moment where the demons have to say, ah, you accidentally brought a human body into the hell and now are unable to escape it because those are the rules that he's like, according to who we made them up, just now. But that's the rules now. And later they're just going to break the rules. It's fine. Yeah. And then just that they just don't do that anymore. So then we get my favorite scene in the

fucking movie. We get Laura very much pregnant. Now we're seeing the satanic ultrasound. I want it so bad for it to be a girl and the demon guys to be like, Oh, is that going to fuck up our prophecy? Right. But it has pointy ears. The little ultrasound has little pointy ears in the background. It's fucking cute as hell because it's a demon baby. And then like as we're watching, the fetus starts crawling out of the ultrasound ring-goose style, right? And it's going like mommy and I cracked a fuck up.

I wrote my notes to my fucking Yeah, oh you put it in the notes. Thank you. It's I want ultra sound demon fetus to be a recurring character in the podcast of T-shirt this is everything he's gonna sell some hello fresh. Yeah So impossibly sour. That's how to fresh, Mommy. I tried to take a screen cap of this and it wouldn't let me, you know, how like, the blue blanx out there screen when you pop up one of those things. So I actually took my phone and took a picture of my screen and then emailed it to myself to put it in the notes. Very much worth it. It's goddamn amazing. Don't worry. We'll have Tim. Like check our Facebook page. We'll have Tim.

Watch this movie. Watch this fucking movie. You're not supporting. I mean, you're supporting crazy people, but you're definitely not supporting bigots. No one who made this movie, not to one thinks that Christ is their Lord and savior. I probably not. Yeah. It's just a bunch of like, hand Thai weirdos is fine. Absolutely. And I say that lovingly. I mean, you're supporting this podcast.

So. But Dave, the ultrasound demon fetus or whatever, turns out to have been a nightmare. Laura wakes up sitting straight up. Yes. Old Satan, lady is sitting in her bedside and old Satan, lady's like, I have a story to tell you. And then Laura Roser eyes, but I roll mine a heart. She's like, no, this is the monologue that made me take the part.

So, the, the, the, please play attention. So, yeah, so she tells the story of Satan from Satan's perspective and then like, and you're just like, wow, he's, he's so obviously the good guy when you look at anybody else's perspective. It's just really easy to be team Satan. I'm hearing this and I was like, I think I'm team Satan right now. I'm like, except for the kidnapping and impregnating thing that the cult did, but that's the cult of Satan.

Right, no Satan. That's not all Satan, yeah. I think he's the good guy though. Yeah, she says Satan suffered for you and I'm like, yeah, no, he's spent a lot more time in hell than Jesus Jesus was there for a couple days right? Yeah. He's a fucking in and out. Satan's like the Antifa of this world and this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Also, there's just this weird moment at the end because she's like whatever she says something sassy to a lady and she grabs her face and she's

like you have to give birth to Satan as a baby and Also, you have to be nice to me. I was like these are weird mismatched requirements You have to birth our Jesus demon science baby that will rule the universe also didn't like your tone earlier So yeah, right. I was telling a good story and you kept asking about like am I getting a doula and what and I was like a doula and I was like, a doula? So Jesus demon. Also that's dangerous. If you don't also have real doctors, that's just, yeah, you need a real doctor.

There's even a way Satanists understand that you need a real doctor, okay? So we cut to, we cut to Michael, chain, do his rock and how, because he gets chained constantly in this fucking movie. And we introduce probably the dumbest aspect of this movie and it and it serves no fucking purpose. The de Kenzie and street or chin chimmy sweeps. Okay. Of hell. So weird. Now look, I know as we get older and as my dementia gets worse and worse, more and more often, you guys have to correct the insane fugue state hallucinations I have. and you guys have to correct the insane, fugue state hallucinations I have. We don't correct the psychosexual part,

but say we encourage the sexualist for making it. That's how you get demon babies, selling hello fresh, exactly. But are these the people that were sacrificed to Satan to be his body, but it didn't work out? So now they just live here. I don't fucking know. And like, look for work outside of hell's home depot.

Is that what we're supposed to think is happening? They see people. I think they're maybe hostages and like Lucifer and the hell people are trying to do like some sort of negotiation with the omnipotent God. I don't know. They're down there. And they're supposed to be innocent.

No, they said they were offered to hell. Right. Yeah, they make that super cool. They run up to my zone. They're like, yeah, so we're just the chimney sweeps of hell and everything. But we have it. We didn't die and go to hell. We were like sacrificed or offered up to Satan in some way so that like if we get out

of hell, then you don't have to be like, wait, were they all rapists or what, you know? You're like, that's what everybody says when they get to. Yeah, right. But then, but then, but he's like, hey, if you kids give me my sword, I can get out and they're like, what's so we have not seen a sword. I haven't seen so you see a sword. I didn't see a sword. I just had a bunch of demons attack and the kids have to run off.

Yeah, right. And then they try for another creepy fetish shot, which somehow they keep failing, fetuses are so creepy looking, but they keep failing at that. Because they keep showing a full ass fucking baby. It's also vaping for some reason, like it keeps blowing.

Yeah, I don't get smoke out. It's nose like it's on Vine in 2003. Cotton. Thank you. And then we see see Laura now Laura is very pregnant with the Satan baby. So she's like all Vainey like an erect penis. Now she's yeah, she's turning slowly into a conehead because of yeah, the Satan baby. She's getting sick because of the Satan. it and sick because of the stage. She's got morning star sickness.

Well done, sir. So yeah, but we get a montage of like being pregnant with the anti Christ shots. And we also, we established her that Liz is super duper jealous, old saint lady that she didn't get to be pregnant with Satan. We have a lot of several shots to establish that. Yep. And then Laura makes her move, right? Because we get that she's becoming, she's being overtaken by the devil more and more. So we get this shot. The doctor comes in to check on her. The lights go out and she kills the doctor, but well, the lights are out with her new Satan strength, with her Satan strength. And then she goes out and like, there's a guard

in the hallway and she kills him with her Satan strength as well. And look, I get that this is supposed to be like a ho she's being overcome by evil, but like, there's no way they didn't intend the head squishing to be funny. Yeah, I wish she started dancing on the guy's end. I almost pulled the clip just so podcast listeners could hear the, I shit you not eight seconds of. This movie wants you to be like, wow, she might as well climb a turnbuckle and do a drop on the guy. The beat jumps in and drops in elbows.

Well, sorry, I heard we were doing wrestling moves. So, but yeah, but she said, head stops that guy for like 18 minutes or whatever. And then she steps back and she's like, all right, there's something wrong here. And she says, that loud, I have to kill you to the fetus. And we hear Satan say and I quote, mother mother no. Come on. The Venus has the voice of like old guy from New York. It's so funny. It was like, I'm talking about the music.

No, it's so good. I laughed a lot. And now we're going to watch and I know we use this metaphor a lot, but there is no better metaphor in film or TV or cinematic history. Now we're going to watch her pen is blue try to abort her fetus. Yes. This was funny. Yeah. We have all written pen is blue in our fucking notes. She's going to drink some bleach to kill the fetus and like the one hand is trying to drink the bleach with the other hand is trying to stop it. There's a cut

scene with her like left hand dueling her right hand with clothes hangers and like, yes, it's so fucking weird, very upsetting. But now to her credit though, she wins, she chugs the fuck out of that place. She drinks a whole gallon and a half or something and then Liz kicks down the door and she's like, I got you. She's like, too late drink. All the bleach, I got you is what just happened. Right. And then no, she didn't for some reason.

Yeah. Right. She, she projectile vomit, some blood. Liz gives her a bad guy speech. She says you have no idea what suffering really means. And I'm like, she just guzzled a gallon of bleach. I feel like she at least has an idea of what, no, what do the people who made this movie think drinking bleach does? She at least has an idea of it, no? What do the people who made this movie think drinking bleach does? Kier COVID. Yeah, seriously.

Because it kills you in seconds, right? It kills you and everything inside you in seconds. So the idea that they're like, no, she drank some bleach. So Satan definitely has a tummy ache now. Yes, yes. I was like, oh, it's Miracle Mineral Solution. Now the demon fetus is neuro-typical and it's boring.

I have no idea how many matchsticks are on the floor right now. So, she, so everybody goes to leave. They're like, you know, go get the doctor. You know, we got a deep bleach her or whatever. And Liz goes to leave, but just then Satan completely takes over Liz's body and uses like Satan, Kinesis to close the door. And he like give her a stern talking to for not being a better old Satan lady on his behalf. Liz, can I speak to you alone? I don't want to do this in front of the staff.

It turns out hard drinking bleach didn't really affect me at all, but I'm just disappointed in the lack of workplace decor. I'm around here. I've been reading a lot of who moved my cheese and I realized that I have become a frutch for a lot of the staff here. So I want you to feel free to take the initiative in the future. So I don't have to. Now that you're mentioning it, I don't know why we have all this bleach in here. We'll get rid of it. We'll get into the question. Who's why do we have that's a great question. That's the first thing I want you to act on.

Why did we have the cleaning crew bring their own, right? That'll be easy. They always throw us out. We really are Satanists. Well, and also we should point out that like, you know, Satan takes over Laura's body and she picks up Liz and like choke slams her to the ground. And I wrote me notes like, this is the problem with using an elderly woman as your antagonist, because it's still like at this point in the movie, I'm like, okay,

I just watched a seven year old woman get slammed to the ground by her throat is what I'm looking at now with my eyes. It's okay. I do Pilates. I do a lot of Pilates. I got to say Liz was looking good, right? Sure. Like this is a strong looking older woman for sure. Yes, absolutely. He's Eli, right? For sure. You're a very normal person, very normal and chill. Yes, and we all jerked off to this part of the movie. Thank you, you said. Thank you. That's canon. That's why they have that pause icon in the top right there.

Like, this is the best time for jerking off. Yeah. Right. But only if you have X rayon on it. I gotta turn that feature on. You gotta turn that setting on everybody. Yeah. It's on the whole time in Paddington.

And I don't know what that means. It's always a great. Okay. So, yeah, like, but Satan tells Liz, they look, Laura's gotten to be a little bit of a And I don't know what that means. Right. Okay. So yeah, like, but Satan tells us they look, Laura's gotten to be a little bit of a pain in the ass and the baby likes her now. And it's going to be a whole thing. Make sure you kill her.

The minute I'm born and she says, yeah, we'll kill you and then we'll blow up the hell whole. All the demons will get out and then we'll blow up the hell holiday says, I don't see how that will help our plan. But it'll be useful for the good guys. If there's explosives there later, so sure. Why would I not want to go back? It's a physical whole magical portal that you would just blow up.

Yep. Apparently, just a whole whole that far down a few rocks, apparently. We check my get will that we see the hermit guy. He's like, Oh, you know, I'm standing off to the side being a guy in the chair. Sure, we should give him a radio or something, I guess. He literally he looks through the telescope and he's like, Yep, looks like a movie might be going on over there. There's no windows on this. He prays to St. Michael and I was like, Hey, man, maybe just pick any other Saint. He's busy.

Right. Yes. It's got a thing going. I want to Michael to like pop back in through, you know, FaceTime prayer app or whatever. And be like, hey, little busy wrestling demons like right now. Can I call you back? Please.

Little tied up in hell right now, literally. Just tied up. It's like me texting no on a Wednesday night. Hey, I was wondering if we could, oh my God, just not to dab all the days. So then we cut back over to Laura. She's in a space coffin and her head is shaved. So she looks more like a penis.

In case she didn't look enough like a penis yet. Okay. Being Satan making you bald is problematic in this movie. Thank you. Sure. Speaking up for our people, Heath. It is not all bald people are filled with Satan fetuses. differently follicular.

Thank you. Also, the the lava tentacle. Okay, apparently it can kind of come and go as it pleases, right? We see it like it flies out of her at one point and then flies back in. At this point, it flies out and it goes down to hell to talk some shit to Michael. Yes, he takes a time out to just go roast Michael down there. He's being born. Lucifer is being born at this moment.

He's like, ah, go ahead quick. I just, I want to forget the guys. He's tied up down there, right? Cool. Yeah. Hey, Mike, how's it going? Going great for me up there. I am possessing a baby of Jesus. So it's confusing because sometimes I'm also possessing Laura through the fetus. Sometimes I'm down here and it's a lava 10-0. them also possessing Laura through the fetus. That is confusing. And sometimes I'm down here and it's a lava 10- No, I'm just saying a demon, dead demon that was near you. No fetuses in this one, I check. Why is God letting you do this?

I don't understand anything in this plot that we're in. So and then there's a, oh, this is a great fucking moment where Satan's like, oh, I should thank you, Michael. Michael's like, for what? And he's like, for sucking balls for being fucking. Hey, hey, whoever wrote that lazy piece of shit line, you rock, man. I love your courage. It was such a weird moment.

Yeah, this demon Lucifer is like, thank you, Michael, out of nowhere. And Michael's like, oh, I'm about to go into like, set up your. Thank you for Michael, out of nowhere. And Michael was like, oh, you got to have some while, bite, you're gonna like set up your, thank you for failing. Failure based you, God. That's what you are. Yeah, and then the fire technical flies away and we get this amazing fucking twist

that makes this entire fucking movie worthwhile. This was God's plan all along. And God knew that once Satan's lava technical had possessed the Jesus fetus, he would have to go back to hell and talk some shit. And that's when God would trap him in a spirit bubble. And then we just have the second coming of Christ, guys. God. It's so tough. Yeah. So he captures Satan in this little bubble. The chimney sweep kids come and he's like,

come on, one of you asked my fucking sword up your ass. I know you do. And they do. Yeah, they do. He's right. The demon birds show back up and it's like, will the kid give him the sword or the demon birds? And, and then he, they get a kid gives a damn.

And instead of the awesome sword fight that they've been setting up, he's just like, I of the damn and instead of the awesome sword fight that they've been setting up He's just like I'm badass now and everybody else dies. I liked that the kid the orphan kid wasn't sure what to do with the sword for a second Maman a demon is like no give me the sword. I will totally Say you free after that and the kid looks at his other orphans He's like do you think it's demon guys lying's lying? Or just, oh my God, give the angel the sword craze. Seriously. They even have a little girl who does that,

whose entire thing is like, it's so very obvious that the good guy is the fucking good guy. What do you, I can't talk in that one. Okay, I just thought I'd just say, I'm not the werewolf out loud. I just want to get a real,

get a real, as he's taking a turn in D&D minus. Okay, so I could hit the dragon the dragon or turn into a falcon. But yeah. So, but then he turns into a large black man with golden wings and defeats all the bad guys like just by waving his arm like nothing interesting happens. Nothing. They did not have the budget for fight choreography.

No. Nor did they have the budget to keep using the angel body for more than three more. No, no. That guy's personal trainer was like, I, I, I will go with you to the castle. You can film me three times on a green screen. That is all I am doing for this film. Apparently, yeah, because that like then he wakes up on earth, but he's still in the pre spot.

Keep in mind, the priest body was in hell. He went bodily to hell to do. I don't know what the fuck is supposed to have happened here. He left the priest body while he was in hell. Then he went up to earth and then he was like, you know what, I'm going to zoop that dead priest body back up here and possess it again because the budget of the movie doesn't have enough meat. I have wings for the rest. Yeah, well, you know what? He feels that he feels about that body the way you feel about your 93 Subaru. He sure is probably get a new body, but no, why?

And I'm attached. No attachment. So yeah, it's been on fire a couple of times. So yeah. So so Michael goes back to where I guess he stashed the shroud before he got chained up in hell and they haven't found it. So he goes back. He I guess he stashed the shroud before he got chained up in hell and they haven't found it. So he goes back, he gets the shroud in case you were worried about the shroud. It does not matter. No, the movie doesn't even do anything with it. It's so stupid. And then he assassin creeds his way through the the hideout until he gets to Laura. And he's like, okay, so you have to trust me this time. I know last time you went with me, you got kind of captured immediately

and things just got like, obviously significantly worse for you. He's like, but this time it's not gonna happen, right? We're gonna win this time. Okay, at this moment, I thought like, okay, he's grabbing the shroud, they must be planning to do something with that. Is he gonna like make his own copy of Jesus

to like fight the Satan Jesus. Ooh. That could've been cool. And then he's like, do I masturbate to put it into the little machine? Sure. You're bad about that. And then and Michael said, I was explaining to Laura

because he's like kidnapping her in the space coffin or whatever and he starts explaining to her. He's like, don't worry, your kid isn't the evil kid, your kid is actually gonna defeat the devil. And I'm like, no, we're an hour and 31 minutes into this fucking movie. You can't switch plots on me now. You can't.

You can't, vaccines, but they are. They're backseeing. Yep. So now she gets taken over by Satan and they're in a fight. A fight that begins when she straddles him and then dumps vaginal acid onto him. She waterbreak to the face. And as it marvel needs to get a pregnancy based. Yeah.

Yeah. It's like an umbilical cord of truth. Like there's a lot of stuff there. They didn't think of any other pregnancy based shit to do. Unfortunately, they had acid water break and that was it. Billy bumping. There you go. Yeah, there you go. Right. That would be a good one. Ultron in the face. Yeah. Yeah. But so she starts kicking his ass and he's useless. He's completely fucking useless. So he does nothing. He just gets his ass whipped. She does bits. Yeah. She does a bunch of great bits. At one point, she like gives him the

old Batman backbreaker. And then she's like, look, it's like the P.A. Todd. You remember the P.A. Todd? We're doing the P.A. Todd sticks her fingers through his throat. His throat, like gives pretty easily. He doesn't have much throat there. Yeah, that priest had a really, really stabable throat. I will say he picked the wrong guy. Yeah, that priest had a really, really stabable throat. I will say he picked the wrong guy. Yeah, but the priest explains as she's whipping his ass that the baby is actually going to whip Satan's ass.

And he says, and I quote, he's more powerful than you because good is more powerful than evil. Okay. Cause yeah, it's half Jesus theoretically and half. It's the first. So the theory is the reasoning in the movie is Ty goes to the runner to Jesus. Ty goes to the runner. Yeah, yeah.

Obviously. Yeah. Also, I just have to point this out that the way that she responds to evil is less powerful than good or good is more powerful than evil. Is she hits him with a giant serving train in the face? And it makes a loud bang and we are still expected to take the movie seriously. Well, and then she runs out as like completely possessed by Satan and she runs to Liz and she says, Liz, they've tricked me into giving birth to the antichrist.

You got to abort this baby quickly. And then Liz is like, no, we're not going to abort the baby because you're probably Laura just playing a trick on me. So being pro life saves the day. Oh, there we go. Refusing the abortion. So then she goes into labor, skip ahead, skip ahead, skip ahead, skip ahead, right? We had to see all the details of her sexual assault when it comes to labor. It's just like, and the the baby there's a baby. Breathe. Breathe push. He's here. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I wanted a sword mouth fetus to pop baby with a sword to pop out. Oh, yeah.

And but then do the swords like really big baby just flops over and it's like, right. He's going to drag you behind him. Oh, he's going to do the like dragon dragon. He's turning it end over and towards everybody. like dragon dragon, he's turning it end over and towards everybody. Yeah. That's fine. Come on, my baby. Come on, my, I swear he's the Jesus Christ of Nazareth. So, so yeah, so, but so that they take the baby and she's, I guess gave birth on top of

the gate to the help portal. So they open the help portal. She falls down into the hole. Don't worry. She'll be holding onto the wall. No, don't worry. She'll be holding onto the wall. No worry, she did later. Yeah, she's fine.

So then all the hooded people, they gather back out at the demigorgant arena and Liz comes out with the baby in a white swatile. I feel like you put Satan baby in a black swatile, but they're like, she's like, here is the chosen baby. Everyone bow to it. Everybody bows to it. And she says, and we showize this baby not with water, but with blood. And everybody's like, oh, blood, what I wonder what she means by that.

Then the beast comes out with this little triangle knife weapon on a chain and start slowly mowing his way through all of the people weed whacker style. I'm not chopping a few people at a time. So slowly and everyone starts to run away. So we can't even do them all in a group. He's having to chase them up and down. Stair. People just be like, I was just here for the biotech IPO.

I thought I was going to get them. Sorry. Oh, backing out into the bushes. I was looking for her cheese cult. Oh, this takes a hilariously long time. And then everybody's just like, I guess we would, and even the extras are like, well, why wouldn't we just go through these windows?

I feel like we would just go through these windows, no. What? They don't. I'd love to hear Satan ladies chatter during this section. Right. I'd love to hear Satan ladies chatter during this section. Right? And I baptize you, baby Satan, not in water,

but in blood. Ah. Waaaaah. Waaaaah. And we're off. For sure, for sure. Ah. Can I say something though? Yes, Greg, what's up? And we're off for sure for sure Can I say something though? Yes, Greg what's up?

Okay, I feel stupid saying this though, but I kind of thought you was gonna do everyone at once, you know, with one big swing. Oh my God, me too. Yeah. How it kills the moment? Yes, kills the moment. I'm so glad we saw that. Because it's like Satan is reborn.

Not Satan is reborn. Now go catch Carol from a counting. That's exactly. Yes. Wow, look at Steven go. Yeah, I think I was crying. Right. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, he always invited us to the meat. Yes. Yes, forgot about those. Hey, while I have it Um, when does Satan become like, you know, I don't get your question Right now, it's like a normal baby Yeah, who's that like? Oh, yeah, who's that, like? So who's the start, like, take over the rotten stuff.

Yeah! Oh. No idea, like, I honestly, I thought you would kind of come out, fully saved me. I didn't even buy diapers or, you know, formula. I guess, yeah. It's not the hope, just terrible twos are especially terrible, am I right? Yeah. Okay.

Well, looks like he's wrapping up, I guess we should get going. We're gonna go buy a crib and babies are osclo's at six. At six? We know. It's like, who's the real devil here, am I right? Totally. Ridiculous. Yeah, we should point out too that like through this whole fucking thing while he's killing all the people, Dr. Laurent is standing ever closer to Liz with a like, but it's you and me though,

you still need. You're right. right. Gonna look on his face. But no, we'll come back to that. First we have to have Michael waking up, having uselessly useless some more. I literally, okay, but again, I know dementia, all that. I literally don't know how he fell unconscious this time. Was it the pizza tray? Yeah, yeah, it was the pie to the face.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. It's a very serious movie where you got to buy the face. Bang. So and apparently they just left the shotgun sitting there with him, like knowing that there's an angel that can possess dead people seems like a dumb idea. So he grabs his shotgun.

He wanders off. We go back to the beast is done trying to amacing everybody to death. Dr. Laurence, they let him live long enough to kiss the baby on the head and then they kill them, which is sweet. It's very nice. Yeah. Nice moment. It smells like sulfur.

I really wanted him to be like, so like, if I could I trade the kids? Oh, I just wanted to check his head. Okay. So for a one came. So yeah. But then like Liz walks with the baby through all the carnage. She's humming Mary had a little lamb as she does. I wanted the baby to be like, come on, I'm Satan. Do some metal or something. Right. You know. So Michael shows up at the hellhole

to save Laura. She's been clinging to the wall the whole time. Don't worry. She's fine. So Vester still own holding her like cliffhanger because the largest right there to physical hell that has a lead to hell. The place, you know, you can chimney climb your way out of there. It just takes a while. Yeah. And then we cut out, say he saves her. We go outside. We get Laura just punch in the fuck out of Liz. Yeah. Again, this like at least 65 year old woman, you know, she's like just getting the shit knocked out of her. Yeah. And explaining the problem with the movie to Liz too, being like, hey, Liz, so God's omnipotent, you can't have, you know, schemes and stuff against plans. All your plans are his plans.

This was silly. Right. This is silly what we did here. And then the movie's like, fuck, we keep deflating our entire plot. Violence and then they have like, energetic sort of like they're still suspense violent music for the nothing that now happens. Well, right, because then Michael's like, oh, well, I guess I got better go save the day. And then Laura's like, well, I just explained that it doesn't actually matter because God always wins. It's been foretold. And he's

omnipotent. I guess I better go save the day. We hired the beast for a third afternoon. It's right. I'm doing it. So he runs back to the hell. All the demons are coming up. The portal's been wide open. Why wouldn't the demons have come out before? We have no fucking idea. The whole time. We said we were doing the 14th. They got to fill the hell gate like it's a tunnel in Brooklyn under. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Same agenda. So yeah, so but he runs to close the door. He has to fight the beast again. Oh my God, this fight scene is so fucking funny. Okay, so you remember podcast listener earlier,

how we told you that they get lower down in the cage. What we didn't get to tell you is that before they can be lowered in the cage, there is a push the wheelie aperture that opens for the cage to lower. And it's very slow and it's very dramatic. So they will fight and then take turns slowly opening and closing the aperture while the other one recut. Eat it again. Like, if this was a comedy on purpose, it is so fucking brilliant. It's just so silly and stupid because it's not. Right. Yeah, exactly.

So they fight for a little while, eventually Beast knocks Michael down and he's like, all right, well, there's explosives right here that we established earlier. So I'll just set the explosives off and the Beast's like, right, why would you not just set the fuck? Fuck. And he blows everything up.

Yeah. Where did you get that bomb? Like a plastic butt from a priest on a mountain gave that to you? What? No, no, this was the cult. They did it because they were gonna close the entrance behind them.

Remember, it's a sufficiently dumb or something. And the thing you're thinking. Yeah, I can understand why your brain in a sort of need for sense and reason you go for someone else to know. I did need that. That's true. Are you a bird?

Are you a bad movie? So then we cut to this church service, right? Where like, we cut to a preschool and like, yeah, it might seem a little old fashioned to believe in Satan, but he's very real. And then you're like, yeah, this movie is dangerous actually technically. So yeah, just want to remind you all that we've all had a really fun silly time today, but if I can get a little serious, several world leaders pretend to believe in this. And then the hermit and Laura come in, they've got the trout of turn. They're returning that. Did someone crumple this up super fast?

Like super careless thing? Like, in a fucking hurry, I was in a hurry anyway. Maybe we just take the elastic part out and it'll be easier to fold from now on. I'm just saying. Yeah. And then they introduce all the priests to baby Jesus 2.0. Hello, second coming over here.

Yeah, she's wearing a blue hoodie, huh? Cause she's marrying. Yeah, she sure a fuck is Blue hoodie. Oh, and then we have to get Michael. He has to go back in angel form to hell to rescue all of the street-archant kids Right to bring him out of hell and they have this moment where he walks up and all the kids are there And then I write my notes. I'm like is he gonna carry him out one at a time? Did he bring a really big net? How is this gonna work logistically? And then the movie just skips away. They don't even answer the top. We're not going to worry. But we have a lady to sexually assault graphically.

Yeah, exactly. And then, okay, so we have one last scene. It's still not all my notes for this are just how is the movie not over? Mother fuckers. So yeah, now it's a little baby's second coming is six years older. So So and he's walking with Laura in the hermit I guess the hermit is Stepdad on official stepdad situation with baby Jesus now. Sure Jesus turns some smoke floats out of his nose and then he sucks it back in and then he gives us a wink I Think that's supposed to tell us something about the sequel. That was a sequel wink for sure.

You have for sure. I'm excited. I'm a devil conspiracy, too, baby, all the way. Fuck yeah. When it's there, we'll be there along with it. But I guess that's going to do it for our review of the devil conspiracy. I'm not going to do it for the episode just yet, because we still need to do ourselves into coming back.

So Eli, tell us what's on deck? Well Noah, after nearly a year of waiting, we're gonna give friend of the show Michael Marshall, the gift he's earned through so many prank websites, the blessing he needs after all our slander and abuse, and we'll be doing it while making fun of the River Dance not bad. Yes. We'll be watching Michael flatly spy flick Blackbird fucking what okay? So that's a look forward to we're gonna bring up a set 439 to a merciful close Once again a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make the show go if you'd like to count yourself among their ranks You can make a per episode donation of patreon.com slash god off on there by your early access to an ad free version of very episode You can also help a ton by leaving the five star review

and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. If you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our various sibling shows. This is getting any of the excitation need a D&D minus and the scapegoat available wherever podcast live. If you have questions, comments, just say to my suggestion. She can email godoffemoviesadjmail.com Tim Raphson takes care of our social media. Our theme song is written from by Brian Slottenk and people drafts on Mars.

All the other music was written from performed by our audio engineer Morgan Kirk and was used for permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life. This week for Heathen Wright and Eli Bosnaked people with drafts on Mars, while the other music was written performed by an audio engineer Morgan Kirkman who was used for permission. Thanks again for giving us a check in your life. This week for Heathen Wright and Eli Bosnick, I'm an illusionist, promised to work harder and another check next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Michael Angelo Jr. makes okay money on Etsy,

but the shipping is too high, so now I'm a lot more. The shroud of Turin went on to keep being fake. Michael the Angel returned the hell children who had been sacrificed over several thousand years back to Earth, where they could learn to use iPhones. I think. I think. Right. Puzzle on a Thunderstorm LLC, caprate 2024, all rights reserved.