God Awful Movies - 44: GAM044 The Book of Mormon Volume One: The Journey

Episode Date: June 21, 2016

On this week's episode, Dan and Mark from Thank God I'm Atheist join us for an atheist review of The Book of Mormon Volume One: The Journey; the story of a crazy guy following the voices in his head across a desert while his children repeatedly try to kill each other. It's a journey of wonder, discovery, anachronisms, overweight camels from the wrong continent, and love. You can hear more of Dan (and, to a lesser extent, Mark) by checking out Thank God I'm Atheist --- If you want to see us live in NYC, you can get tickets here. If you want to see us live in Manchester, England, book your QED tickets here. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page.

Un chapuzón, con el habito, tu serie favorita y en medio de tu siesta. ¡Ey! ¿Has visto esta? No sabes la de planazos que hay este verano en Guásville, Parque Sur, con ciertas obsesiones con DJs, clases de yoga, talleres con martes y actividades con niños, te apuntas. Un sueño de verano, Bay Westin Parque Sur. By the way, listening to you guys try to make it through Saturday's Warrior with David Michael was fucking amazing. You were so out of your depth, you guys were like three nine-year-olds that accidentally watched their dads hidden VHS copy of like, Salo 120 days a year and were like, frantically

trying to make sense of the confusing hell that you just experienced You oh my god, you were so lost. It was beautiful. Who read my diary Not awful movie MOVIE! MOVIE! Welcome back to the Gamcast where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because if you can't make the lamb stop screaming at least you can make him sound better than something. I'm your host No Illusions and sitting 989 miles to my right as a New Yorker in his natural environment, Heath and right, Heath. How's the pizza treat in your bro? Hmm, feels so good on my skin. Yeah, no, I've been to nine different places so far. Yeah, it's fantastic. I'm guessing that's not an exaggeration either. Not at all. No, that's for real. That's for real nine places. And sitting 23,912 miles to my left is my bad friend Eli Bosnick. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir?

Well, I'm rubbing pizza all over Heath's skin, so it's pretty great. I gotta tell you. It's part technique, part pizza. I know, it's all important. Yeah. Tall people have lots. That's all I'm saying. They have lots. There's lots of surface area. And joining us for this third installment of Mormon movie month from Deep in the Heart of Mormon Country are Dan and Mark of the Thank God I'm Atheos podcast Dan it's been a long time and Mark had spent all of the time nice to meet you. Yeah well thanks for having me back.

And I'm happy to be here sitting in for Frank as I sometimes do. Yeah we should be clear here that Mark is a fill in host, a frequent guest host on our show, but he is a Desperately huge fan of your show, so not true. I thought I'd bring him on Let him fangirl a bit for you. It's not true. I haven't made that dress out of your show to wear Do it was that Eli a great big fat person. He was Do it was was that Eli a great big fat person he was he was indeed We're gonna leave now. I don't want to talk about that movie that movie has lots of about the podcast as Clarice So just to make sure everybody's on the same page going and you guys are both ex-mos cracked

We are indeed yes Yeah, unfortunately grew up with three hours of goddamn Mormon church every week. Was it just three? It felt like an entire week each week of church. I like to say I was a never-mo since consent was never established Oh, I did have the pleasure of being forced to sit in that sewer for nearly 20 years, but I'm good I'm fine. What were you wearing though? The same thing I am now, it's super, super sad. So I'm on your fault. And I'm also, I don't know if I'm the first one on your show, but I am a big old gay, so we might be able to have some fun with that. Oh, we definitely have some gay fun. So you enjoyed this movie on the same level that I did, and I'm glad,

because we're going to talk about Criotine Jeremy Piven, and I really, I want to bond with someone. I want to bond with how many times I came on this movie on this like on the disc itself my PlayStation is ruined yeah I'm so sorry to hear that and you guys will let me know when we start recording right oh yeah he's not out of the closet yet so we'll be careful on that I will say hey look Nephi brought out the gay and all of us i do believe and i hear more m in parents react really well to when you come out so don't worry about it man just like go go for it so uh... what are your thoughts on skin pizza ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Mormon country we do skin jello skin marshmallow squares much rough yeah this

so yeah there's a possibility of a four-hour episode here I'm just saying so harder to harder you are zero minutes into this so tell us if what will we be breaking down today. All right. We watched the Book of Mormon volume one, the journey. Yes. It's the story of how the good Jewish people became Mormons and also how Negro Heathens were invented. We'll get it. We'll get it.

We'll get it. It's basically birth of a nation of Islam. It's that one of them. Wow. Well done sir. And Eli how bad was this movie? Well if your favorite part of the adventures of Hercules was the costumes your favorite part of porn is the dialogue and your favorite part of Harry Potter was the magic spells then you are gonna love this movie. It's basically like watching Momento except from the other characters point of view. Hey you should stop

doing that. Okay okay you gotta look here's another okay Now see now Eli's kind of our resident expert on comic books So if we ever watch him move with comic books and like the green lanterns wearing the wrong magic bracelets or whatever it drives him nuts And I was wondering if if watching this this you know Cinematic interpretation of the Mormon holy book is like that for exmoser like watching cop movies for my dad You know there's no way Lemuel would wear a headband that tight fuck off any moments like that for you guys You assume that Mormons actually read their own book That's nonsense. We don't read that book. We don't know what the fuck's in it. They could they could have put like you know

Harpooning whales and any they could have put any they could have put the green lantern in the movie and we wouldn't know if they were wrong You know what I love about the moment we just had is you tried to think of something Silly or then Shit there's underwater submarines and people get turned black as a punishment Harpooning whales. Right. Exactly. This is what happened. I went black.

Yeah. Even for even for faithful Mormons, there's this reaction that you have to hearing the first lines of a book of Mormon passage. You know, the first the first time and it came to pass happens. Your brain just switches into low mode and your screen saber comes on partially because it's hypnotic, grivel and partially just to survive the next 10 hours of church service without your brain committing suicide. That's true. I'll tell you one thing about this show. This movie is full of Mormon trigger words. So, like, literally, at one point, both Mark and I got up and baptized people.

There's so, there's post-ipnotic suggestions that we don't even know exist in our brains. Yeah, I voted for Romney during the show. So. Sir, that's a touch screen on a machine you haven't put quarters into yet. Walk away. You're at a middle school. Again, that's what Catholic trigger words do that one. I believe that's the Catholic trigger words. So anything you guys want to nominate this movie for being the best at being the worst at?

Ah, I want to nominate it for best worst ancient nomadic facial hair grooming. It was like the art of shaving had a spot in the middle of the desert in ancient Israel somehow. Yeah, madness. Everyone sat down in hair and makeup and was like, Sheriff of Nottingham. Yes, Sheriff of Nottingham. Don't you want like a normal Sheriff of fucking Nottingham? Somebody said, somebody came in to set the first day and was like, look, I grow my own beard

and they were like, no, we're going to need to put a fake one on. I always shave that off. Yeah, that's not straight. What kind of beard would you like for this movie? Have you ever seen a Latino woman that off. Yeah, that's not straight. I'm kind of bearded, what you like to this movie? Have you ever seen a Latino woman's eyebrows? Yeah, that's what I'm going for. God, say no more. I think this is the most successful ever

cinematic combination of jaw dropping racism, yawning tedium, and characters who cannot stop making the same stupid mistakes every three minutes. Oh, it's good. Ooh. All of those things. Do you guys disagree? I'm trying to think of another film that would fill the bill.

And no. So yeah, I think the TV show, the following is pretty great, because it literally has no black characters. And it's just filled with cops being like, we've got to let them go. But it's got cinematic experiences going. Seriously, if you have a cop in your family, make them watch the following.

It is like watching Noah watch a matter of faith. It is the most beautiful thing in the world. They will stand an inch from the screen and scream at it. It's phenomenal. So my nomination, can we go with most self-defeating opening line? I mean, it's literally like, gee, I'm just an undereducated farm boy who will believe me, followed by two hours of a story very clearly made up by an uneducated farm boy who has heard the Bible but not read it.

I'm going to nominate it for the best worst attempt to make Mormonism in the Book of Mormon plausible. I would say the Book of Mormon musical was more successful in making the Book of Mormon plausible and it's a parody. There was certainly nothing about this movie that left me walking away saying, yeah, no, that's plausible. That strikes me as plausible. Well, you need to understand that this movie was made as an attempt to sort of get the story out to the world.

This was going to be in every theater across the country. It was going to be a big blockbuster. You say that like it couldn't still happen. Yeah. Times going to tell on that one, bro. Oh, I feel like this one's going to be making the same circuit that the room makes at some point. Rocky Horror. All right, well, obviously we're going to need a minute to track down the urm and thumb them so we can make sense out of this gibberish. So we're going to pause for a quick break. when we come back we'll break down all the cyclical

action of Book of Mormon volume one. We assumed we'd scraped together enough money for more of these. Oh thank you so much for seeing us Mr. Paramount. Uh yeah it's it's Mr. Gray actually Paramount is just the name of the studio. Oh so sorry so sorry is a very lovely office you have. Yeah and I'm a very busy guy so if you don mind, let's just get down to business. Larry says you have a movie to pitch me. Yeah, I sure do. Alright, so give me the pitch already. Okay, three words.

The book of Mormon. Oh shit, sorry, four words. You know what, no, wait, still three words, but just book of Mormon. Okay, what about it? We want to make a movie out of it. Out of the Mormon holy book of Mormon. Okay, what about it? We want to make a movie out of it. Out of the Mormon holy book. Yeah. Okay, fill me in, it's Hollywood, so I'm probably Jewish,

so how does the book go? Well, it's the story of a family in Jerusalem whose father takes his family into the desert because he's like hearing voices in his head, and then they wander for years and take a boat to America where all the evil people become Indians and the good people become dead at the hands of the Indians.

Hmm. That doesn't sound very plausible, um, or interesting. Right, right, but throughout it all, the good guys evil brothers are trying to kill him. Okay, I like it. In the exact same way over and over again for no fucking reason. I like it in the exact same way over and over again for no fucking reason I like it decidedly less. Well, well, that's because I haven't told you the best part in the end We learn that the more evil you are the more black your skin is so only white people are good Okay, see my opinion is moving but not in the direction you want it to move Plus there will be brass plates and there will be gold plates and the main character will

carve them in stuff. The main character will carve plates in the movie. Several times yeah. Why the fuck would anyone want to make this movie? Well because it's the most important story I ever told. It's the holy scripture revealed to the Prophet Joseph Smith by the angel, Moroni, and we're just sure that if more people heard the story, they'd join the one true version of Christianity.

Okay, well, you want me to put out a movie that would help more people join your racist misogynistic cult? Well, yeah, I mean, unless you think see in a movie about magic compass compasses, black skin, being of sign of evil and uneducated ancient Israelites, building a sailboat that can traverse the Atlantic Ocean without the need of experience, semen with somehow make a person less likely to be more men. Looks like we got ourselves a movie, kids, sign here. Just a quick bit of housekeeping before we get the breakdown going. I wanted to give everybody the last call on tickets for our live show in New

York on August 12th. At the time of this recording, there are 11 tickets remaining. So if you want to catch us live in the pizza capital of the world, follow the links on the show notes and do it quickly. But if you missed your window to catch us in NYC, we're pleased to announce that you'll get a second crack

at us in the fall. Heath, Eli and myself have been invited to do a live record in Manchester, England, as part of the QED conference on the weekend of October 15th. And not only will we be doing a live record, but there's also going to be a screening of the movie that we're going to be breaking down immediately before. It should be a lot of fun. If you're planning on being a Manchester in October or you just need an excuse to go to

England, the conference is one of the best skeptical cons in the world. There's going to be an all-star speaker lineup this year, plus you'll get us trying to talk British people into calling cigarettes fags some more. And of course, if you need to grab yourself a ticket or two to QED, we'll have their website linked on the show notes as well. And one last thing, just a quick heads up to our Patreon donors that we will be dropping the June bonus episode later this week for our monthly Patreon only secular movie we chose or more appropriately had chosen for us, Matrix Revolutions.

So keep an eye on our Patreon feed, that'll be available by Friday. And of course, if us reliving the disappointment of the final Matrix movie is just too promising to miss, you can get bonus monthly episodes and early access to non-bonus episodes by signing up at patreon.com slash god awful and now back to the show. Okay, I lied about the back to the show thing, maybe exaggerated a little bit. One more announcement cropped up since that first recording. As many of you know, Heath is in New York at the moment and he's using a brand new audio setup for the time being.

And because of audio issues and or demonic possession when he sent me his audio after this week's record it sounded like this. So as much as we'd love to be joined by Jabba the Hut trapped in a giant toilet with nothing but a came art junior rangers walkie talkie to communicate with uh ultimately we decided we'd have to scrub Heath out like that underage malnourished tie-grow and all the Eli's pre-gam Facebook pictures So unfortunately, he's not gonna be joining us for the remainder of the episode Which is a real shame because it was all really crazy fucking funny shit that he said I mean all of it every fucking word was gold. It was almost certainly the funniest shit Heath has ever said in his entire fucking life. And we had to scrub it.

Anyway, sorry about that. And now, back to the show. And we're back for the breakdown. And right away I noticed a potential problem here because together we have like literally 50 pages worth of notes. And I think I could do 90 minutes on this disclaimer at the beginning. So settle in for a long one, guys, because apparently this movie is based on actual events which occur in the book of Mormon, according to the disclaimer. And I just want to start us off by saying that books aren't where actual events occur. They occur in the earth. And then are like even the wording of this right away, it's like, we can't even pretend guys. I'm sorry Also, you never find history textbooks going this textbook is built but based on real events

Just assumed because they've got big leo-grapies and sources and shit if your source is one book you've got a bad sign Ibbid Ibbid Ibbid Ibbid I also love that they have to like throw in the hole because this shit doesn't add up certain liberties were taking Taking in the making of this film. Well, I wanted to clear this now because they say now we left some things out But that doesn't mean that it's not all true And I'm like after I watch this movie I was like mother fuck what did they leave out? How many murder attempts and dissuations from on high did we miss out on and also it was it was they said creative liberties which i thought was was a bit rich for this film ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha that they that didn't follow exactly as long with the boringest book in the universe.

Yeah, right. Yeah, sorry Mormons, you're not going to enjoy this. Then who the fuck is? Right. Yeah, good point. Oh my God. So then we meet Joseph Smith who looks like Indiana Jones fucked Benedict Cumberbatch. Yeah, I said he looks like Ikebod Crane after the horseman got to him. I thought he looked like Michael Sarah who fucked up Proboscis monkey. All I could look at was those nostrils man. They were just calling to me. And he basically says, you know, I had a vision that everyone would say would a piece of shit I am, but Homo says what?

Many questions troubled me like, why am I wearing this ass got But he's sitting there praying and then the dad from the Brady bunch appears standing on a not so tall ladder Hey, you got to admit those angel Moroni graphics were spot on that was pretty I was there was an angel in the room with him. He looked like Dirk Benedict forgot to take off his 80s era Battlestar Galactica costume. I had Joseph's Vice Principal Astral Projects from partying with Abbots, Studio 54, to give him some sweet intel about shit buried in his yard. And he does. And we get the first lie of the movie, slash book, which is where he tells Joseph

to go dig up the plates of gold. And then in the story is supposed to be just him like sitting there with plates of gold writing down. But again, for those who have either read the book, know about history, or more importantly, seen the South Part of our episode, what actually happened is he kept them in a hat, nobody ever saw them. He put a magic magic rock in there and he described them to an

asshole while his face was in there actually he had them buried in the woods elsewhere and he was looking to the magic hat to see what was on yeah it's even dumber than you think that's the only thing that I can tell you for certain about Mormon history it's always even dumber than you think. Okay. Come on guys, all it makes is sense. Okay. I'm looking into a hat right now. I'm saying exactly.

We watched the film from a hat. Mormons are good at that trick. Come to Salt Lake sometime, bring a hat. Okay. So, you know, you're too flashy, nothing too flashy. I also love the little bat that he had just here at the end of the, the, the, the, the, the, angels says, or because like Joseph Smith's like, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I'm asking you to write and ask Scott with true intent with true intent. Right. And is a true Scott's when they do it.

Right. We'll receive an answer. And of course, that's where we get the title drop in this book. She'll be called the book of Mormon. They said the name of the movie. Yeah, I love the guys, the guys in donation. First of all, if you've ever watched Mormon conference and please put a bullet in your head before you do But all these old men get up and they kind of speak like this and say and it came to pass and so this angel comes in and he's like

You will call it after my father. You will call it the book of Mormon Disjointed almost shout that kind of woke me from the sleep he put me into. Well, yeah, but that's because he's going into the credit role. So he gives it that nice dramatic pause. You call it the book? A more man. And then we get this great. I guess we're looking at paradise.

We're definitely not looking at Utah. That's I think the most important thing they wanted to tell you here is that this is not fucking you to it's a different place we have more than one location shut up and my music note for this is Morgan Friedman's about to tell us about some penguins my music note was bad dates indeed I just thought it sounded like Danny Elfman. I was like is this whole movie a prank by Tim Burton? So then we cut to Jerusalem circa 600 BC. Yeah, circa. It's not gonna get specific here. It says about yeah What kind of religious text is that? I don't know man. I'm gonna say it's like 600 you're about Okay, I didn't write that down on my plates of gold

about okay, I didn't write that down on my plates of gold. They didn't, well, in fairness to Nephi, they didn't count backwards from Jesus. They only counted forward, so they didn't really know when it was. They were just going to feel dummy lie. So then we've got steroid Mormon, Paul Rudul rod happily going about the market in jirusalem he isn't always will be creating jeremy pithax i'm glad that you guys see paul rod because when i said it to mark you didn't see it but i was i think you look like dean came out fucked the lips off of paul rod that was too far that was not cool

there's paul rod in there but he doesn't have a mouth and i i think that that that this is the first conversation that we can have about well the war drove in this movie which is just fucking incredible like nobody in this movie is dressed there a pollstered and uh... i had me if i if i had the ancient Jewish version of carol burnett scarlet ohera which is that i just just salt in the window and have to have it, but it's way more tassels and way more sexually provocative. Yeah, I looked at the credits and surprisingly it was not costuming by bedbath and beyond.

I don't know if they asked to go creditless, like they do with porn, but that's who provided the costumes. Watch the extras in this movie because the main characters they get like relatively sheet looking sheets but if you watch the extras people are wearing like fucking flower print towels it gets more and more tally and bed sheety the further back into the extras you want. Yeah, the customers grandmother's house had no curtains, bath mats or a poultry left over after this movie. Yeah, they must have spent dozens on the wardrobe in here and i also appreciate i'm not even trying for accents like everyone in juries will just speaks midwest

or that's fine that's fine i'd just like that they opened the whole thing with the beauty in the beast bulls-yore opening but i'm going to look there's the baker and the uh... Where you going? Look there's the baker and the guy I'll throw this ball and hit you in the chest Ow that hurts okay the fucking music is I had the grumpy cat sure isn't gonna like this It couldn't be more cartoony. They actually start playing keep away from this little kid with his ball at one point

Black guy the same black guy. That's right. That's right. That's right. I wanted the Harlem Globetrotters music to start when he got the ball. Sorry. I got to say for the young upstart in this scene that boy that was playing ball did a pretty good job with his ball handling for being fully under anesthesia. I think literally unconscious through this scene. Yeah. No, he was a Dahmer victim that they didn't find out about him.

If they had shot him from behind you to see the whole drilled in his skull. Really, gay guy, you get it. Oh, God. The police hadn't given him a ride back to the apartment yet. Right. Yeah, the Dahmer jokes for some reason always go downhill so quick. So why? I have no idea. It's just a one of Earth's great mysteries.

So Nephi's Moshe and through town, when all of a sudden a couple of bad villagers show because they want to fuck him up because his dad's a crazy prophet. And I just want to say, the guy who stops him to intimidate him is the single gays human I have ever seen. He grabs him by the arm and he doesn't,

he can't like stop the larger actor like he Just can't exert pressure to make it look like he's holding his arm And he's like excuse me your father's been saying some sassy Thapaprat here and I'm about to open up a library on you bitch And I wrote in my notes hey isn't your dad crazy and I wrote aren't you gay? Isn't your dad crazy and I wrote aren't you gay? This begins from the weirdest thing about this movie which is It is just a cavalcade of smaller men

picking on and winning over the largest man any of them have ever seen Like this is the most he has more muscle mass than then then the rest of Jerusalem combined Yeah, Nephi is like a Minotaur and two Managers from Best Buy Attacking Right and that happens over and over again like wait. Why did you cast the linebacker as Nephi guys? Does that make sense to you? Right he's a full head taller than everybody too. Yeah, yeah, and all the fight choreography is him because he's a big dumb dummy Like slowly lumbering down onto the ground as these tiny men jump around on top of him being like we're wrestling you

Like Mongo no lie on on karate rob Schneider. Mongo no lie on him on karate rob Schneider, mango no lie on him. And speaking of which, who comes to his rescue, but whatever this guy's name, Lehigh, Lehman, Lehman, Lehman, Lehman, Lehman, who I have in my notes is Karate Rob Schneider. I just want to point out, this guy is where everyone wears a terrible headband in this movie, but it doesn't look worse on anyone except this

character. It looks like his head was ski looks like a four-seps baby. It looks like a last remaining four-seps baby. I thought Lehman looked like an 80s mall pop icon. One of those guys that just, you know, makes his money going and covering marquee mark songs. So speaking of gay and probably only Eliix and i noticed this you know why you like what

when defec comes walking out of the market and he's just a swing in his purse that is that yeah little baggy swinging around course they attacked him they quayabashed him uh... the more than tradition goes way back on that one i guess exactly so yeah so the two brothers come and save nefais ask and then we show back up Oh, the Mormon tradition goes way back on that one, I guess. Exactly. So, yeah, so the two brothers come and save Nephys ass, and then we show back up at the Prophet's house at Lehigh's house where mom notices he got his ass kicked.

She's like, it's because of your dad, isn't it? And the reason she says this is because everyone will speak almost entirely in stage direction in this movie. Yeah, pretty much. And then Santa comes in. Santa. Because here's the thing, he's almost Santa. And then when you look at his beard, you realize someone bought hair extensions from the mall, not nice hair extensions and glued them to his face. Yes. Because that is a blonde wig, not a beer. I had him as a hastily assembled father Christmas costume at a refugee camp.

What are you kids talking about? Of course Santa is going to come here. That looks like Mike the guy who hands out water. Well it's not, it's Santa, okay? Hey, give him your blue kimono. He'll look more Santa like. No, I'm not going to point this out every time it happens, but I have to throw this in just once So this is a little scene where we're like that we're getting a VO from the 5 about how awesome dad is and it shows him writing with a quill pen in

600 BCE that's Approximately 1200 years before they I wonder if there will be other in agronisms. Okay. I'm not gonna go for every one of them But I just wanted to that's how much they were paying attention. They were 1200 years early on a technology and they're like, no, quilt pens is old, right? Yeah. It's older than now. Oh, that's right. Can we talk about how different our personalities are that in a book with a magic compass and underwater submarines, Noah's like, fucking quilt pens. I'm sorry sorry it's too much for me i was about to say they have a holy hand grenade and he's worried about

that that that that that that will get to anti-ac eventually uh... so now eventually this is and and that we've been able to reinforce this about seventy four times but i believe this is the first time we just outright stated we're gonna have to reinforce this about seventy four times but i believe this is the first time we just out right stated uh... in the vice-vio where he says me and my brother sam were good but my other brothers were evil and rebellious and that is their only characteristic throughout this movie evil and rebellious well wait no i got a stop you i'm sorry not their only characteristic because later on in the movie they will acquire one other

will get to it'll get to it. Oh boy. Oh boy. Also, I guess short memories also kind of count as a character. Did not I think there are other other characteristic is that the director did not tell them this was a talky? Act with your eyes and then we cut over to dad preaching in the marketplace and his entire like Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha improv some lines like don't you understand the city will be destroyed and then later he was like oh or I guess you could just say that one line. We shouldn't have gotten that Santa robot from the mall we should have gotten it high. You know and I there are men in this scene who have moustaches that are so ridiculous they make mine look real. I was also thinking that Lehigh is preaching like the

professor and neither have you tasted my Jesus arguing with the student He says no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no I Always say with a gay joke So and and then like one of the villagers is like, oh, I've had enough of this guy I'm gonna go tell Laban on him and yes There's a Lehigh a laban a layman a limb the names in this are so goddamn ridiculous Yeah, it's more confusing than all the parts of the vagina that women make up to make you feel bad It's like we know there's a hole and there's a top and there's a butthole. That's it. That's what you got. I have a labia, a majora, and menorah. Nice try. I'm sorry. I'm a skeptic.

I will say this. Try trying to figure out these names and everything when you're a child. Because when I was growing up, I had to try to understand what all these things were. I didn't know. I, you know, my mom's Canadian, I thought that Jesus grew up in Calgary. It was, it was died on Calgary and I thought like everything, I've got everything mixed up in my head. So just these names, that's nothing. Yeah.

We've tapped into something deep here, haven't we? Oh my God, he's crying. This is like, we thought Mormon month was gonna be fun. Like, oh man, we'll get all our ex-mo listeners excited, but everyone's just had a breakdown every episode. Yes, man. You know what, you're just saying, man, the where's the beef commercial?

I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready, I was just a boy. So I'll be okay. All right, so now we've got to meet Laban, I was just a boy. I'll be okay. All right, so now we've got to meet Laban, I guess. Who has the most ridiculous costume? Oh my god. I have ever seen in my, he has a, okay, let's break this down. On top, he has a feather duster.

There's a feather duster. Underneath, there is a helmet. Underneath, the helmet is a towel. It has the zeal the shield on his chest. I will not bear this. I will take my own life. I will take my own life. I will not live in a universe where that costume stands. Apparently, you're making of Jerusalem

by being given a snow sled to wear. Right. 12 sofas died in the making of this costume. Also his face, he looks like Matt Damon did not survive the movie The Martian. So dad, I guess, here's from God that they're coming after him. So he has to tell the family that they have to go out into the desert or whatever that's to gather the family together. Yeah. And basically for the first time in what will be 874 times in this movie, Dad goes, this thing's gonna happen. And fucking Karate Rob Schneider and Baby Kevin Sorbo,

which is the other bad brother, both go, no, you're crazy and he goes, but for realsies and they go, okay. Yeah. Yeah, they're going, we gotta go. I don't wanna to go. We have to go don't want it. Let's go Okay, it's like dressing a two-year-old Where will we put all of our fucking bed bath and beyond nicknacks though if we go guys This entire fucking set it obviously it looks like the the fucking shelves at bed bath and beyond really close to Christmas

You know that they tried to rent like an ancient stone temple and then they were like dude We're not gonna get it. Well, you can use peer one imports if you guys don't fuck up all the shit Like I work at a peer one they give me the keys and everything do it It's literally marks brother said it looked like it was filmed in a pirouin stock room So they they all go out into the wilderness, I guess. But not before we get the teary-eyed goodbye with plastic shirt, I mean, Leia. Yeah, with June Diane Rayfield, who's been very badly burned. I wrote in my notes, no, when they did plastic surgery in the 60s, did they just cut a face shape into a lady around where the head is?

Walk me through this. I'm suddenly getting the tie in here. I'm because looking at those two women based on the beginning of our conversation, I'm seeing the pizza rubbing as a thing. Here's what I'm saying. If any of those women got a paper cut, all of their skin would lay to the back of their skull. Like, they would just all of a sudden be like, the people from they live. Just like, oh, shh, just tears open like a, like the top of a drum. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- character fat camel I don't know how they found the world's most morbidly obese

camel but this camel could not give two shits about this movie this camel is constantly talking to you about how it's on paleo this is a fat fat camel this entire movie is worth it for watching the non shalons and hatred with which this morbidly obese Oval of a camel just Around the set three times you know they tried to rent a normal camel and they were like yeah That'll be 800 bucks and they were like what about that one that what the fuck happened to that one? I don't know man like he just gets to the thing first He just always gets to the trough first

He doesn't spit though because that would mean not eating something. They haven't. The Charlie Brown Christmas tree of camels there. I love that Eli even makes one of the physical appearance of the camel. No one is safe. He's opportune. I make fun of it. Anything that I'll fucking move. Anything that I'll have sex with, I feel like it's fair game. And not to be all cool, pan about it, but you know, these are Bactrian camels. These are Asian camels. They're not camels from the Middle East. Nerd!

I know, right? I just like that they start this adventure by Noah or by Nephi in voiceover saying, taking nothing with us but our family and the provisions we could carry, cut to everyone walking, carrying exactly nothing. Nothing! Right, no one's carrying anything but a stick. Everything we could carry was apparently nothing.

And Fat Camel doesn't even have a load. Yeah, they've got like two things on a camel. They've got like a bag for, you know, various and sundries. So, so we get this really long walking montage. This is number one of 23. You, if this is Lord of the Rings, ask in its walking montages. So then we can, we cut to, they, they're stopping for the night setting up a tent and we learn this by the rebellious brothers bitching about dad, which is again, how they're going to set up every scene with the rebellious brothers bitching about dad which is again how they're gonna set up every scene with the rebellious brothers Right and because Nephi doesn't want me to that so he goes with his chiseled john abs into the desert to pray

That his brothers will chill the fuck out right. He says I wrote my notes dear God Please let me have massive gains and please invent muscle milk much much sooner than me have massive gains and please invent muscle milk much much sooner than your friends. And his method of praying looks like he is double-hanging a huge cock, doesn't it? So I just want to Photoshop that right into that. When you say want, do you mean already did? Because yes. I just like that layman and Lemuel have one of many many of their conversations where they're like I know that you know Where we as the audience are supposed to understand that they're being wicked but really they're the only ones in the whole group making any kind of sense Yes, yes

Well in in any circumstance except where your father is actually talking to God and you are actually like chosen by God, your dad just gets a friend and you're going to die in the desert. Now, they're about to have pretty decisive proof at which point they should stop fucking doing this, but for now I'm on that side. Right now I'm on that side. And I just have a quick note about Nephai's head belt. These are not headbands guys. These are like WWE wrestling belt with the brats through them. And Nephys looks like his parents put it on him when he was nine and then never loosened it.

And he looks like one of those African people with the neck rings, exactly were like forehead. We're doing forehead. Yeah, and that one explains so much about so many of these characters. It's like when a tree grows around a fence. It's just not a good look for a man with a tiny cranium and a huge face so god talks back to me we we we go out to pray god talks back in an American accent sounds

like we need the fucking pussie does he does he has a Santa voice how did you know about Winnie the poo you're not supposed to know that till ot7 But I also love that they like the lines that they give God are like pseudo Shakespearean in the way that like Harry Potter spells are pseudo Latin, you know Thousand vise when they don't even make any fucking vows since if that is your complaint I want to talk to you after you read the first 10 pages If that is your complaint, I want to talk to you after you read the first 10 pages of the book. Oh my God, you are going to be fine. No, you don't. No one's going to want to talk to me after that. Literally, you'll be walking down the street and you'll just like, you'll start having Tourette's.

Then they came to pass. They came to pass. Yeah. They came to pass. Every time I read that, I'm just going to come. So I'm just going to make it into a thing that'll be happy. Oh, he said it again. Stay hydrated. You won't be able to reopen that book. That's the plan. So Nephi runs back to the tent to tell his dad that he heard voices in his head and dad is so pleased. He's so excited about that. I'm crazy too. Yeah. And this is also where dad gathers the kids together to tell him that God

Changed his mind in his infinite wisdom about the leaving Jerusalem thing and now wants them to go back to get the brass plates Like this was a goddamn video game and they just completed the first quest and they're like now you have to go back that you've powered up with your new Weapons to see how quickly you can kill those octo rocks with the labenite sword anyway. Right now that you've got the torch you can burn all that ivy out of the way that cave you saw at the beginning of the movie. Also I just want to point out that when he was like you need to go steal the plates I wrote in my notes. Hice movie. Nope. No. No. Well kind of. Kind of. This is like a bug's bunny heist, but yes Yeah, I just like that this is again one of those moments where layman the bad guy Has is the one who actually likes makes the logical comment

He says yeah, why would the Lord send us back after he commanded us to leave it makes no sense and the rest of the world just went Yeah, that's right. It doesn't it doesn't make any Right, right and I wrote Joseph got to make make up this story why didn't he make up a good story exactly educated farmbloi remember yeah yeah this is a story about a fucking father who can't make a packing list so yeah so they had out under the harsh you toss at the harsh Jerusalem skies my music note here is ind Jones had some leftover swelling strings that they got for eight bucks and then we get another long walking montage.

Also just a tiny moment but when the father sends them off he goes this is a matter of faith and I said they said the name of the mo oh wait no that's not wrong. Also they're letting the guys take all the good walking sticks, which I thought was a little risky. And Nephi decides to hump it back through the desert, wearing the fire engine red 35 yard tree skirt out from under the White House Christmas tree. So that was an odd for a summer hike in Palestine. And then they get there, and the big thing now is like, okay, how are we going to get

the plates now that we're there and so Nephai's brilliant plan is why don't we just go and ask him if he will give them to us. Yup. The guy who's vowed to kill them in their family he's gonna go just say hey man do you think I can have some of your shit and he says no surprise. So, wrap it, wrap it, they chase them and then he makes it back and they're like so how did go and he's like I don't know man I sprinted here and I'm now Gasping in terror. What do you think and what did you get the plates? He's like do you see me carry in place? Oh, yeah, man. They're right here in between my ass cheeks

He was also chased by the BYU offensive line. So it's how do you get away? I don't know So he makes it back to the brothers and they're like, you know what fuck this that that stupid plan didn't work we're leaving and of course neophy has to give them no guys we're not leaving we just need more pluck uh... so they decide that to give it another shot they basically decide that they're gonna convince him with a cash for gold commercial press for gold press for gold just call thisass for gold, Brass for gold. Just call this number. We'll send you an envelope, Brass for gold.

But what if he recognizes them? Well, first of all, what is the genius of, I have an idea, and if I just like rag over face, they're all like, oh shit, rag over face. That's a great idea, bro. They'll never suspect us if we wear burkas. I wanted the first guy to put a rag up over his face and for them all to be like, who the fuck are you? Why did you get away, day five? Why did you get away, day five? We basically get that later.

But their plan is foiled because someone actually asks them to take the rags off their face. Who could have seen that coming? So then they send the guards off to kill them again for showing up for the plates. And again, like we just said there was a guy with a spear standing at the door. Apparently he was off taking a shit. Why would you have all your guards hiding behind and around the corner in case you needed to kill somebody? But no, once again, they get away by just, you know, run away. But no, they bought Yakiti sacks they're gonna use Yakiti sacks. In fairness the scene where they all went into the hallway and they keep going one go they go into one door but come out of another door and then

the bad guys come into a one door and go out of another door. That was a pretty good scene. Also can we just throw out the director's note during this chase scene was, Run Gayer! No, Gayer! You guys are delaying the most amazing moment of the movie. Oh, yes, no, it was so good. So, yeah, Layman says, no, to Nephi, fuck you, we're not getting the plates and starts beating the shit out of him. Again, little dude beatin' up big dude as though there's nothing wrong with this. And he's about to kill him with a stink When Rocky from the Rocky Horror picture show

And nothing else in this movie will make sense. It's the most amazing things suddenly out of the blue Rick Flair on Kweilood Dan and I were almost lulled into sleep by the nothing happening of this movie and all of a sudden There's a deep both screamed. I want I want to Darren from Idromive Genie to come around the corner and be like Genie And this guy the guy playing the angel the Kway Ludes line killed me because he's delivering his lines like his mom made him do this. Why do you smite your brother? You know what the Lord has commanded that he rules over you? It was so crazy, it was like when you are super, super hammered and you're trying to convince a cop you're not.

You're nailing it, you're like, why do you smite your little brother? I'm messing up the walk on the line test because your lights are distracting turn the lights off Turn the lights off. I'll be I'll be fine. I'm good. I'm touching my nose. I'm touching my touch your nose Touch more than your nose. Let's give me out of this man. Come on angel goodbye I just like I also like that like this is the moment where the angel says no you're not that the Lord is commanded that he rules over you and then like Four times in the rest of the movie Neve the brothers are like you don't rule over us and he's like I know of course not no What do you know I would never try to do that?

Yeah, well, this is where the memento guy shit kicks in because yeah apparently this is not gonna be be enough even this isn't even going to get him to the end of the scene without still doubting his shit yeah there are a hundred murder attempts coming yeah and any fucking angel showing up lasts about 45 minutes as proof right and then the angel never comes back he never ever tries to save him again it's a mean he could show up several times you guys guys remember me angel and they be like oh right yes angel that grabs the stick that's you but you know that angel was probably up in heaven and they were like dude you got to go back down there trying to kill Nephi again he was like no I'm a fucking it they saw me once I do once I'm not going

down there every time they take the toilet paper while Nephi is on the crapper I'm sick. I'm just not doing it. I caught the stick. I did it. Give him the Christianity curse. Just give him the Christianity. Although Nephi and his buddy Angel would make an amazing 80s sitcom or slash like it would be kind of like quantum leap or whatever. Oh, let's make that crazy billionaire money. Nephi and the angel. Yeah, I think we could make it for a thousandaire money. Yeah, I think so. Obviously, especially if you can get a bed bath

and be on gift card for the costuming. So go back to the one room palace with the one hallway and shit. And it's time for Mormon gear salad. Yeah, like... And the music here genuinely might as well be... Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, Well, I expected him to be dressed as a bush and creeping closer when the guards turned away.

It was like, now if I could just get labened to step on this X will be all So it was amazing in fairness though. Nephi has some pretty good skills like jumping out from behind With this amazing Superman leap with his arms stretched out. Yeah, oh See, I thought he was gonna have a giant hammer. Oh right or maybe he thought he had one. Yeah Yeah, fucking angel took it away at the last second no hammers fuck I also like meanwhile cut to evil guards school or whatever. Okay guys if you hear a noise you what you follow that noise That's right. Yeah, what was that noise? That couldn't have been someone trying to just distract me with a pebble Everybody in ancient Jerusalem learned to guard from 90s video game characters. I guess.

Also Nephi extends his arm to the shoulder, past the column to throw the pebble. Clearly in view of the guard he's trying to distract. Right. Amazing. I just, that jump punch though was so beautiful. Yeah, it's pretty great. At that moment I fell in love with it.

I would protect the last copy of this movie from a fire with my very flesh, just to make sure that that is passed out to future generations. The secret to making a moment like that work is to have almost nothing else happen in the movie. So it's just a fucking spectacular stunt in action sequence.

Couplings! I would love to go through and put some cartoon sound effects in there where they belong. And then this is also another spot where we can see the extras reading the stage directions or whatever. Everybody's walking by and going, Laban is so drunk, he can barely stand up. Yeah boy, he sure couldn't defend himself right now. That he couldn't if someone came in.

Well this is where you have to understand that there this movie is for morons so they have to make it very they morons don't understand drunkenness very well so they have to have a guy who does is all i see what explains what drunkenness is so that they have to have barney from the simpson show up and say it will be labor and they so drunk blah blah blah morons don't understand people being drunk, but I guarantee you X Mormons do. That's deep abiding understanding of alcohol.

Also, it's a pop scare. Like he's standing there watching the guys go by and then he turns around and Laban is 30 centimeters from his face, he's just like, yes, sup. How you doing, man? Anyway, man? Anyway, man, I'm supposed to kill you, aren't I?

Suddenly, Laban. What's great is he's right there. He draws a knife to kill Nephi and then just passes out. Yeah. Well, I thought Nephi punched him in the dick and he passed back. He's sort of, he like chest bump to chest bump some and he's like, oh, I guess that means I'm asleep now. No, no, no. No, he's got that snow sled to protect him it's not gonna come out

so so now of course this is where he gets the master sword and can do double damage to octo rocks and shit and he holds the sword over top of of this drunken man and the angel chimes in now i was never like into the whole Mormon thing so i just naturally assumed that the angel wasimes in now, I was never like into the whole Mormon thing. So I just naturally assumed that the angel was going to tell him not to give into his vengeance and murder the unarmed unconscious person. My bad flip that. The angel starts trying to talk him into register side like it was anal. Yeah.

The voices in my head are much less pushy about killing people than the angels. It's like the ab- this is the uneducated farm boy's version of the Abraham story, right? Because the Abraham story is kill your son and he's like, oh, I can't do it. And he's like, kill your son. And he stopped him at the last moment because it's a merciful God. We don't need to talk about the problems with that story, but that's the point. This is just that Hicks version of it where it's like kill him. We don't need to talk about the problems with that story, but that's the point. This is just that Hicks version of it, where it's like, kill him.

No, I can't kill him. Wuck. Yeah, right. This is Joseph Smith saying, like, I hate that Abraham pushed it out at the end. I hate that. I hate that. In my mouth.

Yeah. Yeah, he just plagiarized it correctly. That's a problem he was having. What's amazing to me about this whole thing is that, yes, he kills him, but the dude was passed out, which means that if he had just gone and gotten the plates, nothing would have happened. Right. He would not have chased him, nobody would have known, he would have gotten way clean, but no, God's like, yeah, you got to kill him. You got to kill him obviously. And I can't overstate the importance of this story in Mormonism

This is like this is one of their foundational stories It is and then after you know when you when you leave the church later you're like what the fuck? Yeah, I was passed out So but basically the the morality you're supposed to glean from this is so if you can't get what you need by buying it or putting a Ragover your face use murder and trickery. Really? Right. There you go.

So, now he puts on his the laben costume. He puts on the turn up hat and he puts on the fucking snow sled. And he tells one of the, he does his best laben voice and tells one of the servants to go get him the plates of brass to which I wrote my god this is how he we do we and louis would get the brass plates except true to demand a human sacrifice in the middle of it and so he walks with the guard out of the front door and he's like yeah just this way just this way and he's like I got your sleeper hold and now here's the

crazy thing this scene happens in this movie and will never be revisited. He puts bald Clint Eastwood the guard in a sleeper hold and he's like, hey man, I don't want to have to kill you. So you're my friend now. And the guy's like, deal. And that's it. We never see that character again.

We never hear from that character again. He's on the boat and stuff He just never does anything wait. What was it was it was his name? Zai cam Something like that. Zoram Zoram is like the fact that I just like the fact that the guy was following him around and like through the desert He follows who he thinks is laban and then when he turns around he's like wait six foot four hercules And then when he turns around, he's like, wait, six foot four, hercules. He's like, I'm the alleged man.

I've been tricked. It's like Clark Kent with the glasses. And it's like that with the brother or two, because he wanted us up on his brothers, but he's still wearing the Laban costume and they're like, oh, it's Laban. Let's run. Let's run. He's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, without the glasses, I'm Superman. Look.

And also, it's, you know, maybe, maybe maybe it was just me but did you guys notice or am an if I just I fucking each other during that headlock it was amazing I was like okay here we go they're gonna kiss look they're definitely gonna get it right where you put someone in a in a chokehold but then he can very clearly feel your erection but you're both kind of into it but it's a chokehold are you watching the sun camera right now haha haha so they take him back home to to show dad what

followed him home i guess and uh... apparently they're still doing a great job finding plenty of food and water in the desert it seems like they're having a good old time there and uh... then dad has another vision and guess what god wants to go back to fucking israel i'll tell you what i'm gonna text god when i'm in jirusselum And then dad has another vision and guess what God wants. Go back to fucking Israel again. I'll tell you what, I'm gonna text God when I'm in Jerusalem. Is there anything while I'm there that he wants?

What did they make the list? Well that is, he does actually make that joke. At which point everybody laughs like it's the end of an 80s sitcom episode. I had a head end of the Scooby Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum So now the reason they got to go back to Jerusalem this time is because they didn't bring anyone to fuck so Dad's brilliant idea so that they'll have enough genetic diversity to populate the American continent is that they all go get Fucking wives from the same family. Yes. Yeah, exactly. My buddy has enough enough sons and daughters for everybody That's right. I do want to make I did this is gonna be my only possible video game reference because I'm enough enough sons and daughters for everybody. That should work, right? I do wanna make, this is gonna be my only possible

video game reference because I'm not a video game guy. I'm far too nerdy for that, but I will say this is LiHai's your princess is in another castle moment. Right, you did it. You completed your task, but she's not here. Go back to Jerusalem and get one double helix that will be enough So Burl burl i've sent them back to get some strange Yes, he does and they're all very excited. There's like a very real comedy moment where he's like

I'm sorry Nephi. Are you a little bit more excited about this than you were dying for brass plates? And it's like, well, yeah, I mean, getting pussy sounds a lot more fun than stealing plates from a guy who wants to kill us I'm gonna go and be crazy in the bedroom some more And it turns out that the family that they're gonna go fuck is burned June Diane Raveled. Yeah, right You do get the sense that Lehigh's wife was like, you know Considering the lesbian love scene that we had earlier you get the sense that Lehigh's wife was like, you know Has a lot of children You should probably get him and his wife out here with their families for our kids

Yeah, with maybe then the daughters and the sons or whatever. Yeah, exactly. So they all go and get humans. Yes, go pick up some humans and some more sheets. Get some sheets, clean sheets. Exactly. We can't do it out here. So, and of course, now, even getting laid isn't enough to keep Lemuel and labia from getting angry and being mean

uh... so we get to uh... the next the the the next homo erotic fighting nephysine right even though they saw an angel three fucking weeks ago and this is this is the moment where we learned that this isn't really about anything that nephys doing it's just blood

lust at this point because they wanted to go back to Jerusalem. They could have just gone. What would need, what would anyone have done? Just leave and then every and and let Nephi do his thing in the wilderness, but no, they're like, we gotta kill him. Well, especially considering Nephi fucking falls down every time somebody sneezes in his vicinity. Yeah, exactly not exactly an intimidating dude. He's got an inner air problem And can we talk about they tie him up and leave him in the desert and I know not everyone's a magician So like not everyone's around how to get out of ropes

But I don't think anyone thinks the way to get out of ropes is to lie there screaming He's just like, it's like, well, first of all, ropes go under your legs, dude, so they're in front of you. Then we're going from there, like anything, anything except just lying there, like hoping for Hulk strength. Yeah, he's like, they're just shattering, screaming, God! I had, I wrote trouble defigating, but those two things look exactly the same so yeah if you took that footage out of context and showed it to anyone they'd be like why is that man giving birth

i don't understand white isn't that man giving birth so yeah so he's dead since they're in screams a lot so all the animals nearby could hear them just like they teach in the boy scouts and then he literally just praises for Hulk strength and yeah get you could not be less tied because when he gets it he's just like oh here they are these ropes that are very clearly not attached to my wrist and are not afraid or broken in any way he might as well just be wearing bracelets and he's like, oh, these ropes turned into bracelets. I really wanted them to cue the pop-eye theme music

at that point. And by the end of this movie, the fact that he doesn't just faint dead away when he sees his brother's holding a rope is crazy. Right. No rope for you guys. You guys get no rope. Um, so he gets out of the desert because he's out of his fucking bonds or whatever.

He wanders up to his brother's all bad, asked throw something and he's like, hey, do you like apples? I like those apples. And they're like, time to kill you. And so Nephi does my favorite thing he does in the movie, which is to get into a Taekwondo horse stance. He's just like, KEEP! And it's just like, oh shit's about to go down. But then dad, who apparently didn't

have any questions about where the fuck Nephi was until that moment comes out and he's like, hey, hey. And Karate Rob Schneider, Karate Rob Schneider's like, oh we were just kidding. We were just like, okay, we're just kidding. He's like, okay, all right, man, we're cool, I guess. And all I wrote was every moment Nephi is wearing a shirt is a wasted moment. A wasted. But we're going to learn that's, we're going to learn that's very unfortunate, because he does take his shirt off later and it is not a good site. Well, it's not a good look.

It's better than him with his shirt on. I'm just saying so then he looks like someone should be shooting him because a black kid fell in his cage We're talking about gay people now I'm a lot to make guys So so Nephi wanders off to thank God for the rope thing And I guess this is so that his wife can show up and we can have this Romantic scene between the two of them and honestly it was the closest to two people who might want to fuck each other that I think we've ever seen in Christian movies. Can we just take a moment for gratitude at how hot Mormons are?

Oh, you're just a well-bred people. You're just well put together. You're not as fun as the X-baptists, because they like, you know, it didn't go right, so they'll just, you just pick a hole, but they are an attractive lot. We are. I apologize. I'll cop to that.

We're gorgeous. Yeah, that's true. What are you gonna do? Hot like fire. And they have an actual kiss. Now, they then kiss a second time, which is like him trying to bite off her top lift, but the first kiss that they have in this scene is like two people who have kissed before.

I was very impressed. I would just say, yeah, no, I wrote. I wrote in my notes, this is the easiest Christian movie kiss to jack off to ever, ever. As a, as a gay man who was closeted and, and cute enough in high school that girls hit on me a lot, I saw the terror in his eyes. I saw the fear. I wrote that too. I wrote in my I wrote for the second kiss. I wrote, I mean, he's gay and she's probably gay too.

And they didn't like it, but their mouth touched. They're not. I'm so glad to hear you guys saying that because I thought it was just wishful thinking on my part, but no, he was. Awesome. Good to hear. Terror. I just like the dialogue in the scene was so good. At one point, she says point she says, she says, how did you make it out? And he says, the Lord protects me because I'm faithful. And she goes, I believe that. And he goes, what do you believe? I just told you what I believe. I believe that. I believe that literally just said that I believe that. I believe what you want me to believe. Now, let's kiss because I I'm gonna react to it like I'm eating an oyster for the first time. What do you think? Not not bad not not good. So then they return to the tent of his

father so dad can tell him about another dream and this is like this is this boring as someone actually telling you about their dream. Yeah. well wait, he comes out and he goes, I dream to dream and then he paused and be with me. Everyone here expected him to do Fantine's song, right? Oh, this is, see, this is another one of those moments that Mormons will understand because this dream Mormons will not shut up about this stupid, bad metaphor fucking dream. It's not even a fucking metaphor, It's just a couple words changed from Stay on the straight and narrow and hold on to a railing. It's right and eat white food. He's dreamed appears to be

I was surrounded by the fog. They didn't use in Saturday's warrior and Then I followed the guy from the fifth element To a tree filled with the fakes grossest looking white fruit you can possibly imagine. Yeah, I like it imagine was somebody from the props department saying so here's some pairs that we painted white so just go ahead and eat that. These are safety paint. Oh, probably. I mean there's not that much paint so Probably not gonna kill you. I don't know

No, make yourself throw up after By the way listening to you guys try to make it through Saturday's warrior with David Michael was fucking amazing You were show out of your depth. You guys were like three nine-year-olds that accidentally watched their dads hidden VHS copy of like Salo 120 days of Salo, and were like frantically trying to make sense of the confusing hell that you just experienced. You were so lost, it was beautiful. Who read my diary? So dad tells them all about this dream about the the the fruit and the path and the building full of people laughing at you we try to eat your fruit or whatever and atkins Danny McBride

has had enough he wanders off and he takes Lemuel with him well because his dream to be fair for Rob Schneider and baby Kevin Sorbill he's like and I realized at the end of my dream, you guys were total assholes in my dream. You were like, oh, we're fucking assholes. And then you pulled out your dicks and your dicks were like sunflower seeds on. And I was like, oh, how do you even jerk off with that?

And you were like tweezers. And then you cried and shat yourselves. And then it flashes back to the tent. And they're like, we're dream man. We're dream man. We're a dream man. Don't love that dream. You gotta admit, not a huge fan of the dream

you had where we suck. Shit dad, wow. Have I mentioned your younger brothers my favorite? My music note here was, Scully thinks Mulder might actually be onto something. Yeah. So yeah, yeah, and then we get another Nephi praying scene. This time he gets bamped up to a strange mountain that he's never seen before because he's never been to Utah where he meets another angel with the most awesome bullshit wig.

It looks like somebody just took a mop head and fucking shampooed it. They seem to have no idea they're constantly being told what to do by Silas from the Da Vinci code. And the racial issues with the angels so obviously the holiest people are the widest right? Uh huh. Silas.

Oh shit is that why they were all albinos okay. All right I feel kind it's even more racist than I thought I was So racist But he has a vision Mary and he's like that's a virgin and I'm like how can you tell that's a virgin by looking at her? You look at her Right, yeah, he says I see a virgin with a child

Well, doesn't look kind of counteract the other you dipshit. Well, and also, I guess that's just kind of a weird fucking thing because if you think about it, even if you thought she was a virgin, that would be such a weird fucking thing to say. Because if you saw like a 13 year old girl holding or a little sister, you wouldn't be like, I see a virgin with a, you know,

that's why are you thinking about her sexual activity? I see a woman who's gotten laid a few times holding the baby what the why would you point that out anyway yeah so he saw Jesus and Jesus was the iron rod apparently from before that takes you to the white fruit tree yeah this is the car wash bargain bin version of Jesus someone was like oh rush hour two and Jesus. All right, I'll take them bull. I just like, first of all, Jesus descends through the stargate to the portal. And then he hovers there, looking like John C. Riley and Sloth from the goonies butt fucked to make a savior and landed on an Aztec pyramid. It's been an Aztec pyramid.

To non-mormons, that architectural queue is very important, and you'll find that out in the when you read this thing. Oh, God. And at least credit where credits do, at least they pretended their bullshit prophecy was written before the shit happened. Like the New Testament, they're like, how could we know what our last book said?

How could a chamber of secrets, that's crazy crazy at least he's like no man books old really can I see the old version you sure fucking can now the angels mad I got to tell you the story a different way I just say we see pilgrims which I thought I was having a stroke when that appeared yeah what what pilgrims are into Mormonism right and the Americans the ones with the hats and the buckles on the shoes those guys are in the moronism that it was super confusing because there were pilgrims and then cut directly to nephide dressed straight

up as polka haunt us i'm did this movie skip what's happening also actual actual line from this scene hold fast to the iron rod come on to easy the e-lifes next story Actual line from this scene hold fast to the iron rod. Come on Too easy the e-line cosmic story Come on guys Make us work for at least this movie did not make you work for it So now we cut everybody getting ready for wedding day and by the way Sam could not clearly more clearly be gay and not want to do this

Yeah, would you having flashbacks in this moment? Oh my god, again, the horror in his eyes. Oh, yeah, you just see it from a mile away. I know how to look for it. Okay. He literally says, I don't want to be married and everybody else is like, that's hilarious. That's the right. You don't want to have sex with women. Sure, you don't, Sam. I know, I know. His potential wife is the one who says, I do for him. That's how bad it is. Yes. Also, during this wedding scene, they got as close to not fiddler on the roof as they could

have. Do do do do do do. You got fiddler on the roof. Go fuck yourself. We chose a different note there at the end. And now is the time and Book of Mormon when we dance. Yeah, I love that the half-ass 20 seconds of Zorba the Greek choreography was unbelievable. I'm sure they just thought it's box office dynamite.

Yeah, dancing. You know what we need? We need belly dancing combined with Irish dance. Yeah, he's a hanged with Irish dance. Combined with square dancing, all of it together. Yeah. It's Jordan River dance. And I just wrote my notes. Please let me watch these actors fuck. Please let me watch these actors fuck. But no. Now blackout.

Nephamsam just gently fucking as they stare into each other's eyes with a wife's watch. Oh my god. I could be. is they stare into each other's eyes with a wife's watch. Oh my god. Right. So I guess while they skip over all the good fucking, we'll take a quick break to watch some proper porn. But before we do, let me give act three the hard sell here. Will the rebellious brothers try to kill Nephi again? Will they do it again after that? Will that come to pass to mother fucker? Learn a new phrase, your fraudulent hack. Nephi, it is I. God. Ask two motherfuckers, learn a new phrase, your fraudulent hack! Kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk Lord commands it. Please Lord, do not make me do this thing. But you must.

Oh fuck you actually did it. They'll do the sick. What's wrong with you? What? What? Alan, Alan, come check this out. Yo, what's up? Oh fuck, what happened? I told them to kill the drug dude.

And he totally fucking did it. I didn't think them to kill the drug dude and he totally fucking did it. I didn't think he was gonna fucking do it. Fuck man, what is the matter? He was obviously joking. J-j-joking? I have you or the Abraham story, bro? Yeah, you were supposed to- I- you were supposed to stop me. Well, you didn't really give me a chance there, Charles Manson.

Who? Who? But never mind. It hasn't happened yet. We gotta get out of here though. God's gonna be really mad abouton. Who? Who? Never mind. It hasn't happened yet. We gotta get out of here though. God's gonna be really mad about that. Right. How the fuck?

Yeah, later, Nephwan. Oh, oh. Who? Who's Charles Manson? Oh. And we're back for more breakdown. When we last saw our heroes, they were all fucking each other. So now it's the next day.

Everybody's all come, crusted, and and fuck smelly because there's no running water in the desert but before all that dad's gonna come out of his tent and realize that Amazon has been there in the night. Yeah it's the ancient Jewish version of UPS. I guess. The Leahona. It's a magic ball that was left there by Jack Sparrow I was expected the box to have Brad Pitt's wife's head in it but no no it's

slightly more upsetting than that so this it's it's very important in Mormonism and this and the way he described because he was an ignorant farm boy anything that he didn't know how to describe was simply to say it was of curious workmanship. One hand points the direction that they need to go and the other hand go fuck yourself. Literally they say one hand pointed us the right way to go and other hand I don't know the nearest TGI Friday. Well and again this is a fucking video game now they need to find the map and then they can finally get the try-force.

It's fucking ridiculous. So, yeah, so they get to compass and now they gotta head out into the desert. And of course, this is where we get Eli's favorite character again to which I just wrote camel toe. Yeah, but camel runs away and I get how Muhammad felt at this point. I'm just like, no, oh, camel! Cammel! Cammel! What's really funny is that he just sort of casually says, our camel's wandered away. Is that, did you take zero measures for this? Because you got to keep your livestock with you. Yeah, it was this very much, oh, Mondays.

Our camel took you in the morning. What are you gonna do? Right. I just saw camels by craft services, and I don't know where the fuck camels are doing what are you gonna do? Right. I just saw camels by craft services and I don't know where the fuck camels went. Yes. I'm sorry, can someone get a PA to get camels to set? Someone call camels to set?

But also this is where we had a Nephi bragging about how he was the only good hunter. Everybody else sucked at hunting. Well, we learned that the desert made their bows break? Yes. Uh huh. So they already lived in the desert made their bows. Brink? Yes. Well, so they already lived in the desert. They already lived in Jerusalem. These are desert bows.

Yeah, I will admit, I am not a bow expert, but I'm pretty sure they don't get deserted into pieces. I don't think you have to keep your bow a certain amount of moist. And there is a curious workmanship. Well, I love to, like, his bow breaks, too, but then he's like, but I went and made another bow. I'm like, out of what?

You're in a goddamn desert. But they wait. He, he, yes, his bow breaks. The boy's bro's break. And he waits until everybody is literally starving to death. And he's like, oh, wait wait I remember how to make a bow I may have made a bow out of a camel oh my god he's covering up for it he killed him he did it day by use that of a bitch I'm glad black people killed your ancestors

what he's what he first says so my brother's pose got weak. I was like wait what I I thought it was a sea Alice commercial for religious fanatics The fuck you talking about we see karate rob Schneider sitting in a bathtub holding an old woman's hand Ask your doctor about Maroni. I also like the fact that he says so I fashioned a new bow and then I go and I lecture all the starving people about believing harder in Jesus because I'm that guy. Right. That he shoots a totally domestic goat. Yeah. Like somebody's property standing in their yard. Well, wait. First, he's wandering through the desert, stumble, stumble. He has a sepia-toned version of, they're all going gonna laugh at you, they're all gonna laugh at you. And he does the single greatest face plant. You could ever, I mean, he goes for it. He puts his face into the ground as fast as gravity will carry here.

It is beautiful. So, yeah, so then he wakes up from his nightmare or whatever, and he finds a goat, and apparently that's gonna be enough to feed them for for years or whatever right? You don't need to bow hunt a fucking goat. You can just catch a goat I can catch a goat. That's all I'm saying. I know from positive experience. I can catch a goat There's not a lot of things that are true about Eli Bosnick the third and the right and make that up I Eli Bob the third and I can catch a goat no matter how far no matter how fast you put your fastest goat up against me I'm challenging you

Who race goats for a living and I'll catch your fucking goat don't trust Eli with your goat people do not trust Eli And when he comes back with the goat he so clearly has a pillowcase full of cotton It could not let that it's supposed to be the goat It's like the store wrapped it up for him. There was no evidence of a goat Anywhere nothing was goat light about that bundle What would be awesome is if he already ate it Is that some great goat are you guys still hungry? I didn't find anything out there look I found this carcass You guys can have it if you want. We'll make soup or something.

Just like the camel. The goat just wandered off. I have no fucking idea. So now they're all full of goat so the movie can continue. And can I just talk for a second about the wandering in the fucking desert? I wish you would. Yay. Yay. On to eight years. Yay. The magic compass.

Yeah, right. And if they use it! Literally, from Jerusalem to the nearest water, which is the Mediterranean, it's like 60 miles. Oh, well, but even if you assume that they went all the way to the West Coast of Africa, they've got to be average in a mile and a half. I did the math on this. If they made two and a half miles a day, they would have walked from Jerusalem to Salt Lake City in eight fucking years. Jesus.

Oh, it's only. And so after eight years of wandering in the desert, they find the ocean. Sam finds it. They're all quite pleased with Sam. Great job, man. We could have missed that if you pointed it out to us. In fairness, it was over a hill. Yeah.

Well, that's true. And clearly, it was the green and verdant shore of the great salt lake. It was. Yeah. We called it Bountiful because it had so much honey and foods that we can't see or that. It's just a rough run camera because it's still an

arid wasteland. Right. I wrote honey. I hear that's great for all manner of illnesses. Yeah. Yeah. So then, uh, so then Nephi climbs up to talk to God on a rock. And this is where we finally get shirtless Nephi.

And Eli can say what he will. But this motherfucker should be wearing a loin cloth from start to finish on this. I disagree. This was, this was a chest that needed some wax who's with me I did it's just needed some wax you look like Robin Williams killed himself because he saw this movie Also too soon I thought we were on gay people now I get to joke about all the things behind it. That's the rules. I don't know

You're right. I'm wrong, but aren't middle eastern people supposed to have like a lot of body hair because there there are guys in this show who have exactly zero body hair and we're supposed to believe that those guys are from the middle east well did you think that they were going to balance it out they were like okay look he doesn't look middle eastern in any other way but look at that chest here am I right? Well, this is and this is a very important Mormon thing too. This is a very Dan saw this immediately. This is a attempt to recreate recreate a piece of art by a Mormon artist called Arnold

Freeberg Yeah, and it was the most as a little gay boy in Mormonism. It was the only thing I could latch onto. It was so homoerotic. And it's exactly that. All of his paintings, and he does these paintings that depict the book of Mormon, and every one of them, there's like, if there's a woman, she's like faded, and in the background or whatever, and then there are these men, even like 80-year-old men, with like, rippling abs and huge muscles, and it's clearly he's jerking off to his own robbing rainy cocks. Let's continue. So he goes and prays and again he looks like Robin Williams rejected son and he's basically like God how are we going to get across this water and God was like don't worry I tell people to build boats all the time. All the time. Just do what I say. Boats gonna be baller on the dollar.

Now question, is this the submarine? No. So sorry, this is not the, I wish it was the submarines with all the fiber in my being. It's not. It's not, it's just another God boat. Yeah, no, the submarines are from later and earlier. Exactly. Exactly.

And this is a boat of curious workmanship. I shoot you not. Yes, I just like the fact that like they've been like it's eight years of grueling starving their way through the desert in the worst imaginable life. And they finally make it there. And God's like, now you must build a boat. I say, your business is in another castle again. Right. Exactly. Yeah. Wondering through the desert on the way to build a boat with a compass that just keeps saying recalculated Fucking Siri. Did you mean the promised ham? No So

Now once again now that the boat news is made its way around the brothers have decided that they have to kill nephi again because fuck boats right and of course all i'm writing my notes is these guys should not be shirtless around the five that's come on come on step to the jammer put on a shirt and they sort of wander over there like do do do don't mind us just coming over with some rope you feel like he would have wrote pts at this point. He's a trusting one this Nephi. I just like that they're all sitting around going. You guys

remember when Nephi made an angel appear or when God gave him superhuman strength? Me neither. Let's kill him. All right. Remember that time we tied him up and it worked super good. Get some rope. Yeah, I will use sea creatures. That was the problem. Last time we used desert creatures, this time we'll use sea creatures to eat him. Yeah, so then they go creatures. That was the problem. Last time we use desert creatures this time. We'll use sea creatures to eat them Yeah, so then they go to kill him for having better abs or whatever and This is and I know my a little bit of Mormon here. He's holding his hand to the square here, isn't he? Yes, it's a really like instead of like outreach hands He does this very like dog whistle Mormon thing where he holds his arm, his hand up and his arm is in us.

Yeah, it's not a very, it's not a very threatening position. Let's be a guy on a bike, right? And he's, he's, he's a little, he's taken a little left. I almost passed my driver's test. I know. But he does throw down some pretty awesome shit talk where he basically says, guys, remember the angel with the stick no No, I don't remember that

Yeah, you they say we're gonna kill you and he says in the name of God no and they go, oh, okay Well, and then he's like he's like you know They're like you can't build the body says if if if God told me to tell the ocean to turn into earth Then it would and they're like well, why don't you just do that? I don't want to right now. Okay, okay, probably too busy looking at my tiny tiny baby nipples. What am I one eighth record?

Seriously, he has, he has nipples like a kid with pink eye. It's fucking horrifying. All I think about. harvester all i think about but this is where we get i got it i got i think this is the best scene of the movie here because they show up to kill him again and lord and the lord has commanded that he

that he uses laser hands to defeat them this time to shock them to shock them shock them i wrote to in the pink if one in the stink it but no he holds his hand out like Hitler and uses the crusier artist curse instead I guess your feeble skills on no match the dark side and then the rest up sir shaken like Roger rabbit just took a shot at the Keela I fucking love it. And also shipbuilding apparently it involves just standing staring at the ocean all the time.

Like every scene that we see Nifi on, he's just standing there staring at the ocean. I will say this in defense of the brothers, as an actor, I can't imagine a more terrifying direction than, so when he holds at his hand, I just need you to stand there and shake like you're being zapped Make it good in post don't worry. We'll make it good in post. No, no you won't no, I'm gonna look like an idiot It's like hey man, you knew that when you signed up for this movie. Yeah, so so they built a boat of of Curious workmanship and even says that it's like it's like our boat was weird and fucked up But not because Joseph Smith doesn't know how boats are built But it was a weird fucked up boat. Let me describe what this boat looked like Joseph

That's not a boat that it was a boat of curious workmanship you let me finish That's why it has oars and sails and a motor Yeah, they managed to make a Portuguese man a war. Yeah, right. Lucky. And the best part is that they build this enormous, like ungodly huge ship on land. And they're like, okay, now all ten of us.

Let's get this behemoth in the water. Yeah, right. What? Push it. So then we get to to they're on the boat They're they're heading we don't see how they launch the damn thing or anything But they get on the boat and we're on our way to the new world And this is where we get the scene that I just imagine many many little Mormon boys wore the tape out on where the

The wives decide to get all Hori and Imodest Yeah the wives decide to get all Hori and Imodest. Yeah! Slutty Party Ship! And again, I know this has been a little bit of a theme for Mormon month, but this is the most fun these girls ever got to have. They fucking fiddled their beans to sleep for the next 30 years going one time I got to dance. One time. So when Jewish girls get on a boat, do they just turn into gyrating sluts? Is that a thing like the second they shove off Jewish girls never turn into sluts

You know how if one of your parents has sickle cell anemia you can't get it or whatever that bullshit is That's what it is like to be a Jewish woman and not be a slut It's not They're immune Sorry, that's so sad. You know, you're right about the Mormon girls, like finally getting to do it. Like, these actresses, I know Utah actresses, especially the Mormon ones, the fact that they got to show their bellies was like the most amazing thing for them.

They're like, ooh, I'm being so bad. They had to get notes from their bishops. I'll bet. Oh, man I thought they did I totally don't believe you should give me their phone numbers so I could call and check like real quick like what oh so Nephi comes downstairs to make sure that there is no fun god damn it and then again because Karate Rob Schneider Has the memory of the guy from a memento he's like you're not in charge of us you're not blessed by god and it's like dude i zapped you

three seconds ago you have burn marks on your toga right they're like oh and he finds a buzz kill any any ideas what we should do about that well now that you mention it is one idea pop into my head you mentioned it is one idea you pop into my head. If only we tied him up it would be okay. I'm shivering. So they do they lash him to the to the mask like lieutenant Dan. Yeah. Right. Also I didn't nominate the movie for this at the beginning but worst rain we've had in a Christian movie so far. There's a moment where they're trying to go up on deck and you could see someone pour a bucket down the hole at the house. Oh yeah. Hey Brian, you're supposed to be re-in-fuck you.

All right, sorry, sorry. I just like that during the storm, the lower cabin, where everybody's huddled up, is completely dry. It's locked up tighter than a Mormon co-edged pussy. It is absolutely nothing, no moisture at all. But the outside of the boat is like a Mormon co-edged pussy. It is absolutely nothing, no moisture at all. But the outside of the boat is like a Mormon co-edged butthole, which is it just open. A lot of barnacles, yeah. So anyway, so we cut to several months later and now apparently they're running out of drinking water. There's only one ur left and and everybody's just like a man you want to grab your

magic compass and ask out to make it rain and he's like no i just i don't know that i don't bother him i had one the earn gets empty that the brothers are like quick drink me five and his must and his adrenal murder we only have one solution guys we only have one solution guys. We only have one solution. I did write in my notes when everything looks like a kill your brother So and then they see land never would have suspected and a look. It's not Utah. They actually went to Hawaii Yeah, I wrote there it is Maui

Yeah, right. Where the fuck did they say all? Yeah, they've got these long helicopter shots that are clearly just taken from Jurassic Park And then they get on land and you know dad wants to pray but Rob Schneider's like fuck your prayers I'm gonna go kill some stuff on this island And I want to he runs off, and I wanted him so badly, just get eaten by a sand worm. Like, he just chokes out.

No. My favorite moment of this was, the ship is somehow in the background, and they're running ashore, they're dry as a bone. And it's like this, family reunion, running ashore thing. And I just thought, oh my God, this is the image that Mitt Romney sees again, and again in his head, as he powers down for the night. The little servos in his mouth twitch

into a faint blissful smile right before boo. There's no sign of a dinghy. The ship now doesn't appear to be anchored at all. I just think they just decided well I guess we don't need this anymore. We'll just let that go. That fuck it this amazing thing we could live in. Right. Just a flash cut to the camel at the head of the boat just sailing off on his own. That's during, huh? I watch that many series, the adventures of camel. I'm gonna go fuck around with Hellbound Kangaroo. See you guys. Oh, it's all the same universe. So and of course they they thank God all except for evil laymen. This is where

we see that they obviously got the local guy from the zoo school tour guy brought a peacock and like an art park but they're very clearly like chained to the ground. They're fucking stable. They might as well have stabled that peacock to a tree and be like they were all sorts of animals there. Including that peacock which said it would shut the fuck up for the scene. You know those North American peacocks that run around all the time? Yeah, they'll see roaming the forest. And of course, Nephi has to make plates, because he's a Mormon god damn it, always with the plate making. By the way way did anybody notice that he's making plates?

Where did he get gold? He's making golden plates. He knew how to make them into plates. He's got a mining operation already set up apparently. And he even made a little trapper keeper to keep him in and everything. It was a pretty nice little deal he had going on there. I like the gods model for his message was three ring binder.

Yeah, right. Also, if you want to learn how to write on plates, you take a big stick and a rock covered in fur and you hit down at a rate of one strike per minute. All you're doing is making a hole, dude. You're not making letters. That was the Braille version. So meanwhile, dad got old. So now we have to go and he gather around dad so he can die very slowly. Oh my god. And this is the stupidest deathbed scene. He's basically like, uh, Lehman and baby Kevin Sorbo, fuck you.

Hey, Jacob, you're great. Joseph, your name is super special. I just want to say, like, if anyone ever has your name, they're going to have like a 12-inch dick. Like, that's me on the plates. Like, right now, you should fuck the guy named Joseph. That's all I'm saying. And now I'm dead.

I just like, these two young boys, like young boys like looking at him like mommy is Santa dying No dear, that's your father him you're fucking with me, right? He's like a hundred and he was clearly dying of being consumed by cotton candy And nobody did nobody helped him and You know what it's been three minutes. And you know what? It's been three minutes, so you know what it's time for? Time for his brothers to fucking try to kill him again. Kill him. Again, now layman wants to cross swords right now, and I kept feeling like the screenwriter

was sitting there with a book of Mormon and the wind would blow and knock it back four pages every time he looked to the right, he looked back and go fuck, they're trying to tie him up and okay, we'll put in the book. Like the shampoo prank they just keep pouring shampoo onto his head. Yeah. Wow, he's tried to kill him again, huh? Yeah, man, write it down. Write it down. I will point out that layman again is correct. He says, you don't have the right to tell us what to do and all this stuff. And just he's and he's saying like back off You're no better than we are stop preaching at us

It's just that his conclusion to every time he's right about that with his brother is and I'm going to can't I'm gonna tie you up. I feel like the guy who magiced you with his hand does Super seed whether or not you were born first I don't know if you deal with that in my daily life, but if Anna ever walks out of the bedroom and just like zirps me, she's in charge. Yeah. What I'm saying.

You're the boss. Well, my note here was that layman, like, the guy playing layman who was already at 11, turned it up to like, fucking 16 and 16. Oh, right, right. My note was like, enough. Neil before Zah. Yeah.

Oh right, right. I know it was like enough. Neal before Zah. Ha ha ha. And so, so Nephi's solution here is to go and pray to God. And I'm thinking to myself, we already did this prayer, right? So I wonder if his prayer is like, hey, God, I'm just telling you about my brothers and we did the shakhi thing.

You never really took care of that. It just seems like you're omnipotent. So maybe you could and God's reply here is oh, yeah, you need to get the fuck out of there. Those motherfuckers are gonna kill you He's like, yeah, well you could have told me that before I brought their asses all the way from Jerusalem Yeah, I have a theory here because he talks about oh, I wrote the story down in the plates and my brothers are mad at me I think they just read the plates that were all about how what assholes they were and they're like fuck man He's making us look super bad on those plates

The press right and so God's solution it's time to go back into the mother fucking wilderness for the fourth time in this movie You know this movie needs is some some walking in the wilderness Maybe a montage of some sort. Thomas Cecil got to read the lizard people books. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Well also she's like, oh my God, we have to go back into the wilderness and like,

where the fuck are you? You're laughing under a palm tree next to the beach. Ha ha ha. And so, okay, so they leave, he gathers up all the good people who are, I guess, Z I cam and Jacob and Joseph or whatever And he's like we're gonna leave in the night and then we cut to the next scene which is in the night the brothers are showing up to kill him and They might as well be each on each other's shoulders with one big trench coat Yeah, I wrote my notes sneak sneak sneak

But they're foiled because God turned him into pillows. Yeah, what yeah, it's like he he's snuck out the same way the baby setters club does yeah Although I gotta say it is it is sad for Nephi and his family that they left behind those good pillows Yeah, I feel a little later. Don't never get their money back. So I guess then they wandered off. We we cut ahead to several years later where apparently they found it a city made out of painted monopoly houses. Oh, amazing. Wouldn't it be amazing if there was like a giant metal shoe? Yeah, right. I would be zero percent surprised. And now he's old. And the way we know this is that they've glued a much grayer beard up to a ran out of markers. So they were just like, I know this. We'll hang the captain of the cheerleading team

upside down on your face. No one will notice. Yeah. I just thought, uh, Nephi, your beard's gone molding. Yeah right Yeah, generally beards are the same color as your head hair, but not in this family I guess I think that that was what father Christmas left Nephi is here's my beard But you can only have it on the condition that you give the last three eighths of an inch of it to Sam So it's been years now Sam wants to go back and see his brothers because it's been so long and to which Nephi quite rightly says remember how they they try to kill us every five minutes and stuff and he's like yeah but I kind

of miss it you know like you don't know what you got to your gun but like you remember how you used to push you down tranquilly I don't know I just like he's still so into murder just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like'm gonna call her and I'm gonna talk to her. I'm gonna go to her house. I'm gonna go to her. I'm gonna cut her open and use her like a hat. I'm gonna win her like a hat. And then post on her Twitter that she's going on vacation. Okay, good. That's it.

That's it. Who's a dark, dark journey into Eli's head there? But yeah. So yeah, so Sam feels like that only with his brothers. So he wanders off to go to the village where the evil brothers are, and we know that they're gonna be evil because you can hear evil drums long before you got there.

Oh, here we go. Here we go. Oh, it's so good. It's so good. Someone, someone, describe what happened. Oh, great. I can't do it. I can't do it. I'll go? I can't do it.

I'll try it. Take me there. Don't ever let me come back. All right, so Sam comes through the trees at the golf course and discovers iniquity. So he sees Moloram and some spectacularly racist looking for a fire worship. His brothers have turned the lust to murder Nephi daily

into Lord of the flies Bloodbath burning man cannibal party. They literally have a cauldron that they're dancing around and like Creep put on face paint. It's the temple of doom and they're all chanting And they're in blackface and they are all yes in brown. They're in Tanner face. They're turning into all yes in brown they're in Tanner face they're turning into engines that's what's that they become so evil that they're turning into black people and the movie just can't avoid the movie wants to avoid that wants to skirt left of that so bad but they just can't oh I feel like they splash around in it a little bit I feel like that later they they're just going to be like dancing around in the fact that oh they're bad so they're turning darker

Yep But again like the movie was very like they didn't go full Sambo face They just like gave everyone a coat of light brown. Yeah, they were like look We don't want it because you know the original verse like the play version of this when when Joseph was directing There was like this when when Joseph was directing there was like man made like they did songs of the South from top to bottom. But now that that's not now that this movie's made when cameras can roll we're just going to paint them a light

brown because that's how God punishes people. Well, I feel like I feel like they did a little a little plausible deniability thing here because when when one of their wives shows up and talks to Sam her face looks sort of dirty but also brown but also yeah splotchy so that like at some point They can just be like no, they were all just dirty. They haven't washed. They you know Once you join the fire death cult, you don't wash anymore. That's their thing Do you think about if you think about it your racist?

You assumed because she was dirty the real look on of horror on Sam's face is his terror that this world that he's in now is so fucked up that a woman actually has lines Right, okay, so like Sam comes up on the edge of the village and the wife or whatever catches him before he walks out Which is good because they'd eat him or whatever and she warns him She's like layman is gathering together an army to come kill you. And I'm like, where the fuck would the army, is it an army of little five-year-olds? That'd be adorable. It just doesn't seem very effective.

Where the fuck did an army come from? Was there that much cousin fucking that quickly? Oh, they've been fucking. These are Mormons here. They've been fucking. Let me tell you, Mormons have more kids and than cat licks and The last shot before the scene ends is layman's face going

Dude we found dance nighters Native American friends That's right. This is the origin story of Native Americans everyone Yes, that's what we're getting it all starts with the best drum circle ever Well, and that scream at the end it was as though they were daring us to take this movie seriously I did not take them up on the dare so then Sam runs home to Nephi Devastated by their blackness and barkiness. Hey, how was your trip? Oh, you know, they're black savages now. Okay, so not good. One owl eye on triceps. He says they're nearly naked. Nephi looks down like he's trying to swallow vomit. Like, oh, God. Can I just go back a little bit and just point out that when layman or Lemuel's wife is talking to Sam, she's like, they're not the same guys anymore. You wouldn't recognize them

And he's like, I just thought why because they're trying to kill us. Yeah, they're the same guys That's kind of their thing So they're hobby and also like again, just to just to really highlight the racism of us after right after Sam tells Nephi He's like, you know, their skin is getting darker because they're so evil. Right after that, he says, they look more like animals than men. Oh, yeah. Because they have dark skin,

is that what are you trying to say? Hashtag not racist? And Nephi's response to this is, yeah, God told me that would happen. And it's like, do tell me. Remember? Maybe instead of being like,

hey, remember when they tried to kill us be like oh no I already talked to the big g.o.d. and he said that they're now you know fire worshipping cannibal yeah so now they've got to prepare for war even though there's like nine guys on the other side that's not where whatever they got to prepare for war so he made swords and he consecrated Jacob and Joseph and now they're ready to Go to war because you know sword making that's pretty easy, right? Yeah, yeah Probably probably totally simple curious workmanship on that one So now we cut to 30 years later and 30 years apparently I just made Nephi look like Ben Affleck got caught cast as Moses and also

Apparently they're really taking their time about this war, right? Oh, no, they got away with it They they left just in time. It was a good trick. Oh I see that he left the pages. I got you. He's basically like and now I looked like Lawrence of Arabia and I was super bummed basically like and now i looked like lorrence of arabia and i was super bum and of course this is this is when they took the golden plates into an unmarked crate and stowed them away in a government facility next to the yeah yeah this is where we cut back to joseph miss so apparently that's all the book of more than they could afford to make um... so we cut back to joseph transl plates. Again, not by looking into a hat through a magic

pair of glasses or anything, but like there were actually plates there. I mean, you think if there was one thing they were going to get historically accurate, it would be the Mormon thing that really happened, but I didn't think they were going to get one thing historically accurate. So I was not surprised. In fairness to them, there are literally like seven or eight different versions of this story and the looking in the hat is just one or two of those versions. So yeah and also you know when you're giving them shit about not being able to afford to make more movie, no I don't think that's fair because it's hard to make a movie for two million dollars and make it look like one. Okay. I really think you need to give him a break

it's true they need to get david a r white in on this shit because he's a more he could be more man uh... and so yeah and that's the end i guess joseph smith decides to go to bed that night or whatever that's how the whole thing i'll close us off and it even says the end dot dot dot of the beginning the last line in the movie is him, his wife says come to bed, Joseph. This might be the only Mormon movie that ends with the line I'm coming, but it probably

isn't. I'm probably not. I like that they do this whole at the end, or is it? Oh, wait, we ran out of money. Okay, yeah. Yes. It is. Also, I got to say, just so you get a real idea of just how high budget this was, I shit

you not in the credits. One of the accommodations listings was super eight. I shit you not another one was travel lodge. Breakfast from seven to seven thirty. Well, they had to they had to give them credit for that because they wiped out their towel supply. Well, right. I see.

I word their curtains in this room when you started. No, there were no. I mentioned that there were no curtains. We need more. All right. So when he's in Eli and I finished the Quran at the end of the year, we're planning on reading the book of Mormon and we're obviously depressed as fuck right now. So I probably shouldn't ask this, but percentage wise, how much reading the book of Mormon and we're obviously depressed as fuck right now So I probably shouldn't ask this but

percentage wise How much of the book did this movie cover? Oh you guys are fucked. It's uh, I'd say a heart 10% Oh, no percent and you you don't even understand you're talking about the book that mark Twain called chloroform in print And then Christopher Hitchens accused him of hitting too close to the mark, considering it's got a book in it called ether. Oh, you know, I think those mean tweets are right. I really shouldn't be a part of skating. You guys, you guys had it, right? I'm just a movie guy. Look at me. I'm so stupid.

So stupid Yeah, it's you're in for a slog fellas. It's it's not gonna be okay Can't be worse than the nothing is worth the it's fine I hesitate to say that yes, but you know, I it's very hard to believe that it's worse than this one All right Well, I feel like if we gave this movie some number of stars, Brigham Young would say that aliens lived on them or something, and that'd get all confusing.

So rather than asking you to write this movie on a scale, I hope to capture the essence of this film with a bit of an analogy. So I ask you this, what's the worst way you could travel from Jerusalem to America that would still be more enjoyable than watching this movie? I'm gonna go with Inside Rosio Donald's uterus. Okay, it'll be a short trip for me, but it'll be a memorable one. I would be on Donald Trump's private jet, but I would be wrapped up in cellophane all dexter style, and I'd be laying there with my head in his lap with clockwork orange fucking rig in my eyes

and he'd be leaning over me in in shitty old clown makeup slowly stroking my hair and doing an acupella cover of Adele's hello at me again and again as we endlessly circle the Newark airport Can someone just draw that? I said, who's the guy? Christian Movie Bingo guy. We love your cartoons. We just love this. I just want a full poster that I can send to his home. I just want to send this to Mark's home every day

for a year, just the same poster. Still better than this movie. Still better than this movie. I have Amazon Prime. I kind of, I'd love to answer the question, but I loved every minute of watching this movie This was like it was I was like there with popcorn. I was just enjoying the angel showed up and I cheered It was the best time

So you know that wasn't the question Well, Dan mark I can't thank you enough for hanging out helping us answer a tiny sliver of the bizarre questions that this live action bugs bunny cartoon ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha whatever you do whatever you do your podcast listening on or you can just go to thank on a metheist.com right and you'll also find Frank there who had the easy only one of six people that have the sense to not watch this yeah right yeah normally it's it's me and Frank Mark will be on every day and then when they let me out awesome awesome and of course we'll have thank God on metheist linked on the show notes for this episode Dan Mark can't thank you enough guys thanks for having us thanks guys this was the most fun I've ever had on the show notes for this episode dad mark can't thank you enough guys. Thanks for having us Thanks guys. This was the most fun. I've ever had with the horror of Mormonism

I gotta be honest. I will tell you I've put more work into this show than I've done for like six months of my own show Just so you know like I had to go and track down the movie I had to go buy it at the Mormon bookstore and everything you guys only ten bucks and like and like we owe you a lot more than ten bucks, bro Yeah, you only ten bucks and like twelve hours of my life back, but that's okay We're still doing better than the Mormon church then. Thank you guys And well that does it for our review of the book of Mormon volume one the journey begins That's not gonna do it for the episode just yet because we still need a t-shirt like a hellbound Mormon wife on a boat over next week's show So Eli tell us what's on deck. God's army. Somehow this looks even

crazier than what we just watched. It's a feel good sports movie about a young man's journey to self-esteem, but instead of sports, it's being a missionary in LA. Yeah, I think so. It's a go a little bit crocodile dundee two going on with Mormon guy. Yeah. That's not a holy book. This is a holy book. Did you lick me?

Cheeks wet. It looks like every single Buddy movie cliche is gonna be in there like the whole preview is constantly people throw it over tables going I just can't get a baptism. It's amazing Fucking amazing so with that to look forward to will bring up a sub 44 to a merciful close once again Huge thanks to Dan and Mark from thank God'm Atheist for suffering alongside us this weekend, and perhaps an even huge or thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go.

If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash God awful, and thereby earn early access to every episode. You can also help us out a ton by leaving a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoy the show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating Atheist and the SkeptroCrad available

on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email God off on movies at gmail.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slatnik of Evil Drafts on Mars and was used with permission. If you like what you hear, hear more by following the link on the show notes for this episode. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week, for Heathen, right, Neil Iboznik, I'm Noel Luciens, promising to work hard to earn another chunk next week,

and tell them, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close Layman's family went on to be successful casino owners who made Donald Trump look extra stupid accessible casino owners who may double Trump look extra stupid. Everyone fucked their cousins, nieces and nephews forever. How do they not have a problem with that? Mark gave Eli all those phone numbers. All of those phone numbers. Mark a murderer, murderer. Stab myself in the face.

I'm gonna burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it, burn, burn it