God Awful Movies - 45: GAM045 God's Army

Episode Date: June 28, 2016

This week, Heath has the sense not to join Eli and Noah as they embark on an atheist review of God's Army, the story of an alien lifeform that's disguised itself as a mole and hitched a ride on the face of a Mormon missionary. Or at least that was the story I was telling myself by the end just to keep from dying of boredom. Racism, sexism, and the most lazily jingled keys in the history of Christian film await on this week's conclusion of Mormon Movie Month. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page.

We should start just annotating boring surgeries with things we pretend are magic. Scalpel. Ooh, the scalpel of Omunra. Shemma-min-min-min-min-min-min-min-min-min-min-min-min-min. Uh-oh, Doc. Looks like he's losing a lot of blood. No, he's not. He's totally fine.

Better use our Woon-Woon. Shee-wonder twins. Activate just me and he threw him him all rain dances around an operating room. Can we make them leave? I don't know. It's something about a Patreon goal. They promise they'd do it. God awful. Movie. Movie. Movie. Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will but sitting 998 miles to my right is Eli Bosnick who will be able to join us

today Eli how are you this fine afternoon sir pretty good pretty good let's get all our shit talk about Heath out there yeah yeah heath is oh fuck there's no mean things to say about he really isn't who he's funnier than me well start, start the show. Yeah. No, I should note that this week Heath actually wasn't just unable to join us. He was not erased from the record like an Orwellian whistleblower like we had to do last week. He's actually just not here. So with him not here to fulfill this duty, I turn to you Eli.

What will we be breaking down today? We'll be breaking down God's army. It's the story of a facial mole and the human attached to it, who gets walked through the museum of reasons not to be Mormon and is not affected by it. And I'm pretty much it. And how bad was this movie? So here's the thing.

This is a relatively well-made movie. All the actors look basically at the, you know, other characters on the screen instead of directly into the camera. There's a few genuinely well-acted moments that said, this may be one of the most heinous movies when it comes to ideology we've ever watched. I have never seen a Christian movie

that so clearly was written 99% by us Well, and they got to write like four lines right right? I couldn't tell if it read more like we had 18 minutes to rewrite a Mormon movie script or that the Mormons had 18 minutes to rewrite a scathing atheist script But I really felt like one of those two things was going on there and you know I've got to say honestly you're're right in that it was a relatively well-made movie, which really just underscored how terrible it was. I mean, at a certain point, this movie would have been better if they'd had an $800 budget, because you would have been able to look at and go, well, I mean, you know, they couldn't even rent real cameras. But no, I mean,

you know, from a cinematic point of view, this movie was basically done correctly. Yeah. But and yeah, wow. And like I said, I think that ultimately made it worse. So the obvious question here is this movie, The Mormon Musical, Batman vs Superman, and The Thief in the Night Trilogy. Am I safe in saying that Heath is the only smart one? I said start the shout. Anything you'd like to nominate this movie for being the best at being the worst at? Okay, so genuinely this movie is the best at being the worst of Presenting the other side and then knocking it down there are this movie and this is true Like there's a little behind the scenes halfway through this movie. I messaged you and was like, hey man

I think we accidentally picked an anti-mormon movie. We got to go fucking find something else This is to the and then 30 minutes later I messaged you and I was like, don't worry. Never mind. Never mind. Totally fine But there are huge swaths of this movie where they point out vast gaping problems of Mormonism and they don't even jingle keys No, like they just everyone looks upset and saddened and confused and scared by the words they just heard and then it literally just they keep Acting they just they don't even bother like what God Flubs you like if you just just it's just enough. It's the next scene. This is the cinematic equivalent of talking about your bowels on a first date.

This movie did not know what not to say. But I had this overwhelming feeling while I was watching this movie that like, Mormons are the theological ends. You know, like even in their movies, they walk around knowing that they're gonna go extinct, then they haven't found the end wives. They just all know and they're just like yeah I know we're just going through the fucking motions until it all falls apart. You got a problem with that

Unfuckin real just stockpiling sneakers for their eventual wake-o Whatever I want a quitter cult. Where's a quitter cult that just knows it's gonna end badly? All right guys get together This our first meeting and this is all gonna be a piece of fucking shit in store for lucky will get something like time magazine at the end of the year But I'm gonna fuck suck I think you might just be able to find that in some Mormon chapters Well, if we're gonna make it through a recap with this boring shit I think you might just be able to find that in some Mormon chapters. Haha! Well, if we're gonna make it through a recap with this boring shit, I'm gonna need to sacrifice

my soul upon the altar of Starbucks, so we're gonna pause for a quick break and when we come back, we'll break down all the melodramatic inaction that is. Gods Army. Just a reminder to all of our Patreon donors, be sure to check our Patreon feed for your monthly bonus episode. This month, Heath, Eli and I broke down the most disappointing part three since the caron matrix revolutions and if you're not a patron here's a taste of what you're missing this is like ending a blowjob with a holocaust that's the only

the strength if she just been like yeah come on my face and then you're like and then all of a sudden six million jews are dead that's the version that's what this movie is. But worse. Come on. The Holocaust is over and this is still out there. Yeah. What? True to me looks like Jason Statham dressed up as cat woman. Don't worry, there's really only ever one agent Smith who does everything. The other

Smith's are really just like Smith hype man. And he's like, oh, shit. He's gonna torn you into an agent smith! Apparently we're just gonna get like two hours of everyone talking like a college freshman on acid. Yes, great. You are gonna be a novelist. You really are! Keep talking like that! Honestly, the lyrics to Baby Got Back played underwater through a shark's rectum would make more sense than this conversation now

They've stolen from humeday cart and Pac-Man Why not a fucking hole foods you should have walked through a machine hole food It's just a giant squid squeezing Computer avocados being like I want to make guacamole is it weird to make guacamole for a party I don't want to seem like I tried too hard, but you know, Zach Thor is going to be there and I think we could make a really beautiful computer program. I love him. I love him.

Hoping if he titty-fucks me, we'll make Tetris. What the fuck, who knows? Jingly keymaker. Jingly keymaker. So, if you'd like to hear the full two-hour plus review of Matrix Revolutions, get access to monthly bonus reviews and get early access to every episode, head over to patreon.com slash godawful and sign up today. And now, back to the show.

And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to start with an airplane arriving in LA and a voiceover about one day changing your life. Yeah, my music note for this scene is Uncle Cracker is gonna start singing. Yeah, mine was. The band at this bar would like to play one of their originals. Ha ha ha. And also I couldn't find this movie without gigantic Spanish subtitles all over it, which was good because this was the most boring fucking shit I've ever sat through,

so it's like at least I'm gonna learn some Spanish. Exactly, see? Compliment sandwich. This was the most boring fucking shit I've ever sat through, so I was like, at least I'm going to learn some Spanish. Exactly. I see compliments sandwich. And this is where we're going to get introduced to the voice of our main character. Now, the main character of this movie is by far the worst actor in it. And his name is Elder Allen, right? Yeah. But he delivers all of his lines, including this monologue, like Hannibal Lecter is eating

his brain. So if you were hoping for a good performance from the person, we're going to spend the most amount of time with, you are in for some disappointment. Right. It was quite bizarre because there were obviously better actors to take over that role. I don't know why in the world they decided to make him the main character. So yeah, now we get him arriving at LA at the airport, the Mormon show up to pick him up in a hippie bus. Yeah, I guess all the LA mobs.

I said they came to pick him up in the mystery mobile. Do you remember? No. Mormon, Mormon, Mormon. Now for Alan's physical appearance, I just had sexually repressed William Cat from Kansas, but I don't know how many people are gonna get that one. Nice, nice.

I was focused entirely on the giant fucking half dollar sized mole growing out of his goddamn face. That's what I was focused on. I wasn't able to think about anything else in this movie. I watched this movie twice. And the reason why I watched this movie a second time was because I didn't hear

or see anything, except the hovering garbage can lid attached to this young man's face. It was a fucking conjoined twin, man. It was imposy. He looked like a bon villain or something with that fucked up eye going on. Yeah, Mr. Bond, do you remember when you attached this sheet suit to my face? In 1970, I'm back for revenge. Exactly. Everyone in this scene acts like Keanu Reeves in a sleeper hold. Just like, dude, tap out. What's going on? It's like the fucking beginning of Reservoir Dogs. They're all so suspicious of each other.

I expected them all to jump out of the van and grab a girl in Maine, but no, they're just, they're just Mormons. Yeah, no, it certainly wasn't the, uh, the thrilling opening I was hoping for. So they, we get them driving through LA, and I love the LA montage, by the way, apparently between the airport and the Mormon temple or headquarters or whatever, you have all the touristy shit in LA plus a black lady being harassed by the police. Exactly. Yes. Also, music note for this montage, let's welcome Tera Fosette to the stage. That's a call back. Oh, and the guy turns to him and goes, welcome to LA, the greatest mission in the world. Haha, he laughs like his suggestion of a threesome didn't go over well. It's just like everyone in this movie who makes a joke that's supposed to be in a joke with a movie looks around desperately for approval at like the fucking boom guy.

They're just like, am I right? Fuck you. All right, cool. That's fine. Okay, so when he's first meeting these guys they say where you're from he's like, I'm from Kansas just outside of Kansas City and they're like, Oh, you're not in Kansas anymore. And I wrote my notes, I fuck, I bet people from Kansas love this fucking joke.

And they're going to make that joke somewhere between 7 and 800 more times. Right. I assume in the hopes that the audience will kill themselves. So, we don't have a way to end this movie. So I really appreciate it if you just got a rope. Yeah, I assume that this movie was based on those auto-rewined VCRs that are around at this time and they were like, you know, if people kill themselves during our movie, they'll watch it a whole bunch of times technically, right?

As their corpse gently swings back and forth in front of the TV screen. So now we get to my favorite scene in the movie and they waste this scene early. This is where we met meet up. President B Croft. And this man was just he was just put there because this movie was saying to us, it's's gonna be a while before you have anything interesting to talk about so so take a look at this guy this fucking lump of a human being whose joules just become his tits haha I have in my notes becrop looks like the only son tarren more man doctor who's a limit he is it again like for those of you who get the reference he is the human version of danger mouse's trusty sidekick penfold. I just stopped on his fucking visage

I never wanted to unpause this scene. I'm just right now. It looks like a load level dick Tracy villain He looks like dobert in his dog got into that machine from the fly He looks like you should be telling Steve Bishemi why he's mr. Pink. He looks like Drew Kerry swallow Jim Kerry Can I just stay here forever He's your estes perco you found your estes perco I feel like I should break into song one day You find your estes perco You just walking through a field of metaphors about this guy

Running your hands along them as your hair blows on the wind So anyway, so he's look at white grimaces looking through this file, I guess, on on elder Alan, and I'm sure it just has, you know, he masturbated on Saturday, June 11th. I'd love to see what that file is, but he's just looking at it for a long time, like agent Smith in the first Matrix, you know, one of these lives has a future. One of them does not. That was my Hugo weaving, sorry. I liked it. It was good. And we learned that his dad is going to be in jail for a long time.

Now, I just want to point out that that is going to play out in the craziest fucking way possible. If you don't watch these movies along with us, just take a moment now to think about the human you are, because in 30 or so minutes when we reveal what that means, you will divide your life into two halves. Before you found out his, why his dad's in jail and after it, you found out it is the craziest and this reaction. If you do know, take a moment to reflect on the reaction of the character in this Yeah, you you would not imagine what he's in jail for it's like he's in jail for tax fraud He's like oh, yeah, no dad dad dad did some not so great stuff. Don't really want to talk about it But I wrote my notes. He's technically my stepfather. I mean she's seen cipher in the snow. I could die Stepfather a whisper disease.

So, yeah, right, exactly. But then the white grimace comes back and he's like, it says, here you're sealed to him. That makes him your father. I'm like, fucking what? It's the baby duck thing. He followed him around. Oh, I see.

For long enough. That's more than imprinting. I see. And that really pisses off the suntaran. And he's like, you're not here for you. You're here to bother people on Saturdays. And he's like, right, right, yeah, exactly. Well, we also learn here that mom has left the Mormon church.

And it's funny, because he's like, your dad's in prison. He's like, yes, my stepdad, hey, he's your dad, God damn it. He's like, he looks like your mom left the Mormon church. He's like, yeah, she just couldn't fuck that bitch. Yeah, okay, all right. Well, someone sent me a message letting me know that like, it looks like your mom left the Mormon church. She's like, yeah, she just couldn't fuck that bitch. Yeah, okay, all right. Well, someone sent me a message letting me know that like, that was not something to be taken lightly. They were like, because one of the people

who suggested this movie and a bunch of people did, and by the way, fuck you. But, someone sent me a thing and they were like, hey, there's a scene at the beginning where he mentions his mom has asked to be removed from the church records, and that's a huge fucking deal in Mormonism. So like what it should read as is like mom has asked to cut out her own heart and feed

it to a baby who is allergic to hearts. Well, yeah, for the listeners who don't know anything about this, leaving the Mormon church is a huge fucking process. Yeah. Right, like to actually have your name removed and that means like, you know, they don't keep track of where you are and send people to your house and send you letters anymore and fucking show up and go, yeah, I noticed that you're going to hell here. You know, and trying blackmail you. Well, right, right. Exactly. There are an enormous number

of steps we had. We had Dan from Thank God I'm atheist on scathing atheist long, long, long time ago to talk about all the various steps that he had to go through to get his name off the rolls there uh... but yeah yeah no it and and and what but what so amazing is that very clearly that this human's it fucking gore on a big person to sit and buy in this desk is looking at going like yet dad went to prison will get to it yeah well you know he's, he's a human being.

Mom left the Mormon church. We will never speak of her again. She shall not be named. That's it, that's the, oh, she left the Mormon church. So she doesn't need to be a character in the movie anymore. Right, right. And the generous heap of mashed potatoes that is the other character in this scene,

it's like you got, it's like you were nice to the lunch lady. That's what this character is extra for you. So then I guess he's gonna pair Elder Allen with one of his best men. This is where we first meet Dalton who looks like Bugs Bunny's accountant. Now I wrote my notes. Elder Dalton looks like he takes stealing office supplies very serious We all have a Dalton anyone who works an office job has a Dalton right now There's someone listening to this show right now who could stand up at their desk and look at Dalton Right now they look at the Dalton in their life and be like hey man listening to a show about you need be like no talking at the office and be like Fuck you man listen to a whole show. It's all very matter right now. It's saying my thoughts to you And they call this character pops despite the fact that he's like 26 right well he we learned that he's 29

Oh 29 yeah, he's still doing the missionary stuff. Oh right. Yeah, exactly Which I guess you're supposed to be done with by the time you're twenty one so yeah he's an old soul in the missionary universe and and he is uh... elder alan's new companion there will be so much unaware homo erotic shit uh... involved in the more monon clay chair around these uh... these missions i've been fully

ball deep inside a man and it's been less gay than a lot of the erections pops and Alan are gonna have Like I've been Injaculating into a man's rectum We've lost home or a lot of sism then what happens between these two characters just as a heads up Also, he introduces himself to Alan by shaking his hand and going so you're the one and I wrote in my notes run Run no one who says that's gonna do a good thing. That's what you expect him to give a red pill or a blue pill, yeah.

So, so, at what is gonna take him home, I guess you're two is like Mormon mission home or whatever, but along the way, they're going to knock on doors and annoy people, and he doesn't give him any warning either. He starts walking up to the south, and he's like, oh, this is a nice place. Is this our house? He's like, nope. We're going to annoy this guy before I like this is where five minutes into this movie.

I needed to step off and take a break. It took me five and a half hours to watch this hour and forty-eight minute movie. Yeah. This is a commitment. This is a commitment. People have lowered themselves onto all Americans with less care and self-awareness than you can watch this movie. You need less loob. Oh yeah, no, I can back you up on both ends. A friend of mine has done both. So yeah, so the guy at this first house has no time for him and we get the I guess this is like

mormon jitsu whatever like all the more missionaries are supposed to watch this scene and go like wow look at how good he is at being an annoying prick oh my god every time that guy tries to close his door he won't shut up that's oh he's so good at this oh look he said leave and the guy had a redirect for that where he didn't leave and uh-huh-mormon who's watching this is going like, oh god I hope they shoot him, oh god I hope somebody shoots him. Hit him, hit him in the throat, punch him in the face. And also like maybe this is just a so little background that you and I both worked in sales for a very very long time. And so both of us know that this is sales

technique applied terribly. Yes, just all the work it's all the thing it's all the things you read in a sales book applied in the worst most irritating way possible well and it just reinforced how much I want those mother fuckers to show up in my house like 30 goddamn times I've had more more men show up at my house but since I've been ready for them zero zero it's like i'm on a fucking watch list somewhere or something because the guy goes like uh you know i'll be perfect because he's like i don't have time for you and then they're like uh well one would be a good time to come back he's like you you know what i mean get the fuck off

my porch i'm just trying not to be mean and he goes look guys i'm not interested in what you have to say he and fucking pops goes well if you're not interested in what we have to say. He, and the fucking pops goes, well, if you're not interested in what we have to say, you must not know what we have to say. Here, take this pamphlet. I will shove it between your unconscious ass cheeks if I have to. So, and then like, so the guy eventually slams the door on him successfully. And Elder Allen's just watching him with his jaw on the floor. He's like, wow, I could never do that.

Yeah, I wrote my notes. I could never be that irritating. One popster instrument goes, Oh, you certainly could. You're next. You have no idea. So yeah, the next door is his. And the lady that they cast for the, nothing came closer to making this movie worth it than the woman they cast for Alan's first door knock I think I can help people get a picture. Okay, you open this woman's recipe book. There's no recipes that don't have butter in them No recipe Stick of butter however many sticks of butter is on the list for all the recipes in this woman's book

That's the lady yeah And and she's basically like, get the fuck outta here. Like that answer response. The eat does not get the polite thing. No, yeah, exactly. She just yells, you know, you can't be knocking at people's doors like that and slams the door on them.

And I'm like, yeah, okay, that's probably how it should go. So then we get them having this ridiculously pedantic, why are you here speech where Alan is the tough trainer or whatever. Yeah, also, music note for that little walking montage. I can't do this all on my own. No, I'm no, I'm no Superman. Listen to it, it's really close.

It's like everything was like three notes off of a song that you know, yeah. So, like, so it like Pops is like why are you here? And I was like to preach the gospel and he goes no no no to preach the gospel with the Holy Spirit But a fucker and his response is like, huh trick question kind of kind of a dick move My first day and my first 12 minutes. Yeah, right They also walked by a couple of hookers at this point. And he's going like, oh, the hookers.

And I thought this was just going to be this scene. But no, these hookers are going to be very pivotal characters to this movie. Yeah, in the baby drowning that is the movie, the hookers are the letting your head up out of the water. It's pretty great. The hookers are pretty fantastic. Till the end where they kind of spoil them, but throughout, these hookers mess with the characters in this movie,

the way I want to mess with the characters in this movie, and they wear the outfits I want to do doing it. So, you know, it's a win for everybody. We should reenact this scene. We should reenact this scene with two unsuspecting Mormon missionaries. I'll be the Hispanic chick. You be the Jewish chick and yeah, we'll have some fun. So, yeah, so these always get to be the Hispanic. This is behind the scenes drama. I'm not taking in here. I look great. No, no longer associated with the God of the movie's podcast. So they walk by the hookers and he's like, if you read that book, I gave you some he gave the hookers a book of Mormon. No, I'm ready yet. So they carry on the

pedantic speech and I only point that out because the next question is so ridiculous. He's like, how many people are you going to convert on your mission? He's like, uh, 30. He's like, no, no, zero. God's going to convert him. God, your mother, fucker, God. That's the kind of interactions these guys have if this is a buddy cop movie essentially between these two characters that's the kind of interactions they have it pops is only one week away from retirement he's too old for the shit oh it's the worst I also love at the end of this scene he's like can we go back and talk to the hookers some more?

Cause like, you know, LA street hookers are pretty hot. As you understand. Super hot. Super hot. Yeah. Yeah. So now we get this amazingly racist turn. Yeah.

It won't be the most racist turn. But now it's, it's late at night. They're still knocking on doors and pop sends them up to this one door and he's like, you know, he's like, oh, it's not my turn I just did the last one. He's like you need more practice a knocks on the door and who comes to the door But a fucking lame a night. Oh straight up gangsta I just I will bet everything I own all the money I have or ever will have that his character description for this scene is G-A-N-G-S-T-U-H.

GASTER. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Well our hero do he listens to music run run So the black dude is like you know what I'm shitting fucking tired of you guys coming to my house constantly get the hell out of here If you come back again, I'll beat you to death. That's his actual line. I wrote. I love this black guy Right exactly my favorite character and pops his responses to put his foot in the door and go you better apologize character and pops his responses to put his foot in the door and go you better apologize there Mr. Negro and for again this is gonna play out differently than we want it to but for this moment I was watching it like I wonder what the characters who survived the movie are gonna look like they have faces that are normal people shaped and I do believe if I'm not mistaken then in most places ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha rose Alan into the into the house right and Alan shrieks like a washer woman but it's just a brain it turns out the black guy was an evil dark skin is just genetic and let's just take a moment to reflect here the Mormons prank the

new guy by making him think he's about to be murdered by a black man that's one of their like hazing pranks. Yes. Just throwing that out there. Yeah. And it's all like kind of requisite on the idea that you're going to be afraid of black people. Like if one guy shows up that's not afraid of black people, he'll just be like, dude, I'm really sorry. My I don't know why my partner's being such an asshole here. Like that's that was clearly out of bounds. We'll put your name on the list or whatever oh where's that crazy billionaire ultimate remake where he's just like hey super sorry to bother you we won't come back yeah we live here we live in that black guy's house no it's a it's a prank you're supposed to be scared of him

why am I supposed to be scared of him? Well, because I'm rude. I would like, I, I, if I'm remaking this movie, then what Elder Allen does is just starts beating the shit out of pops, you know, and he's like, let's get him. I've been wanting to do this all day, black man. Yeah, but that would be fun too. So yeah, now, now we get the whole meeting the gang scene and we get this from first person shooter perspective. That's the only time that I'm just like, okay, come on guys, you're actually making a real movie. You know that, right? But we're in first person perspective

as we meet all these various Mormons that they're gonna expect us to keep track of through the rest of this movie. Right. And basically, this guy, his brothers are gonna marry his girlfriend. What? And then we never come back to No, it's just like oh this guy's Tommy. He likes chicken. This guy's brothers are gonna rape is soon to be wife

And this guy over here's just like wait, whoa, whoa, go back I had questions about the nope not that not the guy who likes chicken Also, we should point out this is where we meet the dad from back to the future. Yeah, yes. And the dad from back to the future whose name I have written down later in my notes is a king. A king. A king.

A king. A king. A king. A king. A king. A king. A king. A king. A king. A king. A king. and the behavior of the people around and will be to this movie as you better

fix that you got some thinking to do boo will be for whatever the hell that movie was yeah well right right exactly so I love with a church girl that that's it that's it yeah canager this character like throughout the entire movie will be sane will be rational will never be bested in any of his arguments whilst making it very clear that he's a bottom. Right, exactly. I wrote, oh, this is the preface to them fucking. Oh God, he is gonna fuck him. Go for the eyes. Go for the eyes, Alan. Yeah, this could not be more clearly. So you want to, you know what, never mind. Never mind. I'm getting wrong vibes here. Not all Mormons. So it's, Ha ha ha ha. So yeah, and I'm pretty sure Alan is now, Kinnigar's bitch, I don't know how it works in Mormonism,

but I'm pretty sure that's how it works. Right. Because now it's time for the Mormons to play, what I assume is okey-cookie. Like I couldn't see the cookie, but they're all in their knees in a circle. And the only time I've ever been in a circle where everyone's on their knees is Noah's birthday, which I know we said we weren't going to talk about.

And Oki Cookie, there's only two reasons. No, if you need a visual on this, you know, imagine a Bukaki party where the girl backed out at the last minute and they decided to go ahead with it. Yeah, I can't. I'm not going to let her ruin my fun, am I right guys? So yeah, apparently these are night prayers, everybody gets together in a circle, on their knees, and sings together, and has prayers together, and then Alan gets a lot of long awkward hugs from the strangers that he just met earlier today.

Yeah, there's a lot of almost fucking the Eli Bosnick story. Yeah. Yeah, well, then we get him and pops, like basically laying in bed together, praying, and then pops puts his arm around him at the end of it and just... Well, and then pops goes, okay, it's time for personal prayer, and Alan gets up and he's like, hey man, he's like just leaning over the bed, just kneeling on the bed. Guess what I'm personal praying for? I'll give you a hint.

It's about breathing. But Alan doesn't get the hint. Well, I mean, he goes to a suitcase. I'm expecting to hear a vibrating sounds coming from it. Again, we need to redo the sound effects in these movies, but, uh, but no, unfortunately, that's, that's not going to happen. Instead, he's going to lay in his bed and an etch or something. Caller? Who the fuck knows? So now we cut to the middle of the night. Uh, uh, the, the black dude is waking pops up because his greenie, that's his, his, his new, by guess, Wednesday

with the dead mouse hanging off his face. That's the green. Yeah, exactly. It was like he mostly made it out of the torture from 1984, but not all the way. So, yeah, so apparently he's run off. He's gone to the bus station. He's like, this is so crazy gay. I was not expecting it to be that crazy gay. So he's going to go home to Kansas City, but the, but the black dude and pop show up as though they're going to murder him where he sits. This is the scene where they shoot him in the head, huh? Yeah, right here. That's it.

We have had no indication that he wasn't happy. None. Like he's been sitting there quietly, kind of like a dork, but like we haven't seen him struggle or not want to be there. He just seems like new. Yeah. This environment. So after 14 minutes of this movie with no indication he was anything but happy to be there. Now he's trying to sneak away in the middle of the night. Right

and look he didn't have to reveal that to anyone but us. You could have done it with just a couple of camera shots of him looking like wow maybe this isn't for me but no they didn't bother and I think it may just be because again this is a movie obviously four Mormon missionaries and maybe they just all know that the first day you go to the god damn bus station and 11 out of 12 of you never come back they've just got paid that guy at the bus station at 20 alright when he shows up call us and we'll go Have you guys considered having a better religion all right shut up All right, man Hey, I ain't gonna say shit. I'm making a ton of money off. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it And can you reenact this convincing him to stay conversation with me? Is I get to be him? Okay, great. I'll be pops. I'll be pops all right

So you're leaving huh? Yeah, this just isn't for me You're a loser-faggot He's just like Alan is like no, and he's like you're on he's like oh fucking stay. I can do I'll fucking I'll cover 10,000 people and he's like I'll have sex with a vagina right here put a it stay. I can do it. I'll fucking I'll cover 10,000 people and he's like I'll have sex with a vagina right here put a vagina here. I'll do it Well, they have this like hypothetical man where he's like the black guy comes over and he's like

Maybe he loves the gonja. Maybe he loves to drink. Maybe he's gay and Our main character again. This will never back, leaps out of his chair and is like, nope, nope, not gay, not gay, not gay, I'll do whatever you want, I'll go in the mission, I'll do, I'm not gay, what are you talking about? So not gay. Clearly the homoerotic black guy, ear whispering was too much for him, that's, but that's ultimately how they convince him to say, if you leave, we'll all assume it's because you were gay. Right.

That's basically the way that they convince him to stay. Also, credit to my beautiful and very funny fiance. There's a moment where he sits down and he goes, well, what are we gonna do for three hours? And Anna just goes, baa out, baa out, baa out, baa out. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. What I love to, after they convince him to stay,

like, uh, a pops plays the well Maybe I'm not ready to take you back card. Yeah, he's like well, well if you're gonna what do you you're just gonna run off again And they say no, I promise I won't more Minisms for closers Are you basically the scene ends with him going well? I'm keeping my ticket. He's like fine keep my bags packed fine Yeah case I wake up with stuff in my butt i'm out i'm out yeah yeah no that's basically the conversation me and no i had when i tried to get cully colberg on the show again it's behind the scenes drama i don't want to do what i'm just saying i just wanted one minute to call or a cut and then we could

hung up we could hung up put it on the show could have been a that's fine i actually tried to do that with Josh fearierstein when he was first, but yeah, yeah, no, that never worked out. So we cut to tomorrow at 6 a.m. and we get him falling out of bed. He's such a clown comedy. I wrote my notes. He's dead now, hard to profil a ties when you're spying. But no, he's he's gonna be just fine or whatever. So we get the like them waking up at Mormon house And they're like really obvious about wow There sure are a lot of pharmaceuticals on pops is counter there where he's brushing his teeth I won't my notes is pops dying. I bet pops is dying by the way. I'm gonna win that bad also we get

Crispin Glover. Yeah, I can't agree. Yeah, basically ruining the movie. So this is the scene that happens. He's reading a book called The Truth About the Mormons. And he says, hey, man, you know that the book of Mormon says that there were horses in America? There were no horses in America before Christopher Columbus. Yeah. And now, what happens in the movie that you write

that you wanna show to people to keep them in your cult is you go, actually, he's not referring to them as horses. He refers to them as good dood good dunks and those are actually ancient reptiles, so good. Right? Something like that. But inside he goes, why are you reading that stuff? It's worse than pornography.

Well, he says it's as bad as pornography and and just to be sure i jerked off the david michael show a couple of times and i think he's right i don't want to fuck with them on that fair but right but they don't even offer an apology at the apologetic they offer is why would you read something like that right why would you read something that critically examines our religion you bastard and they do that over and over again to this that's the function this character is going to serve he is the doubter or whatever but the stuff that he says in like yes that completely disproves your religion yep right the fact that there were no horses in America before the the fucking European showed up with them is proof that it's complete

bullshit and it's not exactly like you have to go real far and they're a fucking submarines in that book so you didn't have to go to horses necessarily but just say magic horses just say magic horses it's not hard just have that character go it was miracle miracle horses jingle some fucking keys already don't just ask him not to talk. Right. Shishish. This response was not even jingly keys. It was just like shishish. Yeah, right.

Yeah, exactly. Well, and then the Kinnigar's response, he's like, why would you be reading that stuff? He's like, I have to know this kind of stuff, man. How am I supposed to fight against the enemy if I don't know what the enemy thinks? Right, he's trying to find out the truth. That's what's crazy.

You could even take this character. Let's say you don't want. That's what's crazy Yeah, you could even take this character Let's say you don't want to argue against his points and you just want to take this character and make him the doubter You don't have him say well, I'm just trying to figure out the truth, right? Like because people are gonna ask us these questions and I want to know what's true. It's important. What's true, right? You you have him just be like, I don't know I just am sick and tired of this Mormon thing You know what I'm saying? Because his performance is flawless and heartbreaking.

We're gonna get to a scene-like movie that is genuinely heartbreaking, that this movie has no fucking answer for. No, no, yeah, we'll get there. We'll get there. And now at 7.30 am, which is personal study time. I have to imagine that's a euphemism for jerking off. And this is where we really get as close to the mole as ever will get.

So I just really have a bunch of notes about how this movie expects us to ignore that he has the tumor, the size of a pea, and the color of Shek growing out of his fucking face. But yeah, pops is studying and he sleeps because he's not used to waking up at 7.30. Yeah, well 6.30, yeah, he's been up for an hour at this point. But then Pops will get, because he's not really into this, so he just gets a little bit more, more shut eye. And then it's time for Companion Study, which I assume is back to back or maybe Dutch rudder. Right, exactly Dutch rudder. And he asks him, he says, what are we supposed to be studying and I wrote the book of Mormon dude you have one

book well they have three they have three so instead they're gonna they're gonna study the book of Timothy which is great right Timothy just in case any women they talk to try to teach them they were all right right exactly so and this is where we get the scene is it's like they're trying to go for the Mormon equivalent of Arnold Schwarzenegger loading up in the third act of Commando. Yeah, this is the suit-up scene. It's fucking amazing. Also, music note for this scene.

These boys gonna run some moonshine. But I'm a man, man, man, man. I had, if it wasn't for all these mushrooms, this music would probably suck. Ah, ah, ah, ah. So, but then what we're supposed to get here is that pops has his shit figured out He's been the you know a Mormon missionary for 10 years He can iron a fucking white shirt like nobody's business and and tie a tie

Which apparently elder Alan cannot do and the director feels that tie comedy is Absolutely limitless. Yeah well worth twenty to seventy minutes i wrote boy i can watch him try to tie that tie for hours which is good because i will apparently holy shit but luckily eventually pop takes care of this tie tie and for them and they can like slap on their badges and had out exactly and then of course we get some more that awesome door knocking and forum and they can like slap on their badges and head out. Yeah, exactly. And then of course we get some more of that awesome door knocking. This is a movie about the most annoying thing that can happen to you from the most annoying

person you've ever encountered. Yeah, it's really interesting. And the first person they knock on is the Mr. Superman no-here character from the family guy. That's what happens. You want this movie? You want it. Well, right, right. So they just get one racial stereotype

after another in this fucking movie. But yeah, she comes to the door with this, oh, I don't speak English, but you know what? Fuck that. Pop speaks Spanish too. To which then she just switches to English. And she's like, OK, well, just fuck off and leave then. He's like, oh, no, don't worry.

I speak Spanish. We do this to minorities all the time. And she's like, oh, well just fuck off and leave then. Ha ha ha. She's like, oh no, don't worry, I speak Spanish. We do this to minorities all the time and she's like, oh, fuck yourself, right? Yeah, go away then. I'll tell you in your own native tongue. She's my new favorite character. Um, it also, as you're walking away, I don't know what the fuck is going on here. A fat, this is the wet shit thing. Yeah, great, go ahead.

Yes, okay, so as you're walking away and they're in there, they're like saying mean shit about the lady that just told them to fuck off. He's like, there's nobody home. Must be why our skin is so dark all the evil. And then all of a sudden, a Volkswagen bug pulls up and a fat guy jumps out of it and goes, I need use bathroom. I need use bathroom and runs into that lady's house. There will never be a reason for that. Nope. They just really wanted them to know that there's one guy I needed to take a big painful wet shit And that's the kind of stuff that Mormon missionaries run into because here the thing I bet that scene was written in because that actually happened to a couple of missionaries

They're walking right right you guy pulls up in his car and goes I got a go to the bathroom Can you believe it? Everyone would just like Let's take pictures of each other on the toilet. Well that's the thing though, it's a really interesting window because this was of course written by a Mormon missionary and it's a ostensibly his story of his Mormon mission, which is why his dad's in prison for such fucked-up shit. But what's amazing to me is that the the real window that you get into Mormon missionaries through this movie is that being a Mormon missionary is so goddamn fucking boring that you think a guy needn't to take a shit that drives by as you're walking

through is so interesting it needs to be saved for posterity this is what happens when you have no TV yeah worthy of mention in your movie yeah exactly we've really got to revisit that so then we show we cut to the diner uh... where connie's pussy juices look delicious i'm sorry i got to spend a moment on on here yeah on myself x yeah so so we get to the diner and there's this waitress name connie and she's probably a squirter i don't know for sure but i've in my imagination she's i think it's only fair that we find out we're scientific or skeptical yeah scientifically minded people so if you or any of our ex-mo listeners

know where we can find Connie just send her phone number or address it's fine too yeah she won't mind I'm sure she won't mind where it's not about her mind. 20 minutes of stalking should not ruin my life. Haha. So, yeah, so, in any rate, and they, but they have to have this whole like, you know, oh, we're missionaries. Boy, are we sure rusting our dicks at the prime of our lives scene? And that's, I guess, why they've introduced Connie. So all of them can look and say, oh, I wish I was allowed to have sex.

Oh, I wish I was allowed to have sex,, I wish I was allowed to have sex as though Connie would have fucked any of these guys. Yeah exactly And it's basically you look they say this is their catchphrase you look once you're not a man you look twice You're not a missionary and I wrote in my notes. What if you come on a apron? I'm asking for a friend Well, I love to like one of the characters is like is she really that hot or our our dicks just falling off from neglect? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha in a U and my right who wants to play what's in my foreskin again. Huh? Anyone? No. Docking? No.

Go back to reading these books about how bullshit our religion is. Yeah. So the important part of this scene, the takeaway is that Connie is fucking delightful. Well, also there's this moment where Songtaba basically says, hey, do you like to read? And she's like, yeah, I love to read. And I wanted him to go, do you like to read nonsense travel written by an illiterate con man? Yeah, right, right. Well, and he's like, I have this book for you.

And she goes, you don't have money for a tip, do you? And if we had an extra three and a half hours in the show, I would go get Lucinda, which worked as a waitress for something like 15 years of her life and let her get all red faced and batshit over how many fucking Christians have left her Christian pamphfaced and batshit over how many fucking Christians have left her Christian pamphlets instead of tips, how many Mormons have left her books of Mormon instead of tips, hell the Quran she's reading is some fucking Quran that some

lady in goddamn New York left her in lieu of a tip. And the only thing more than the amount of tips I got as a bartender in Jesus pamphlets was the amount of spit and or calm urine and shit I gave in return. I'm just talking wait, it's just a scientific fact. My shits weigh more than your Bible. He'll I Bosnich story and they have more intellectual rigor. So okay, so and then also we have to go back to gay horse Mormon, a Kinnigr, so that he can be like, hey, do you guys know that Joseph Smith gave for conflicting accounts of his first vision right and this is where pops

goes pretty hard this is the closest we get to a counter apologetic which is he was talking to four different audiences okay and it's like that shouldn't change basic facts in the story though right and they're like shut up man you're a downer. Well, and then they jump into the, I love how they jump into this, like sub-clos of a sub-clos of a sub-clos of what he's talking about. He's like, no, because so-and-so never taught this. He's like, yes, they did. They taught it in such and such a year. Check this out. So it's just like the one little

fucking argument within this that they can actually counter. They do. The thing is, is that it's too stupid for counter apologetics will you mean Craig couldn't make this shit sound reasonable to a fucking Mormon so they don't even bother and also by the way everything they point out is all fucking quill pens and dromedary camels anyway like it's not you know that he's not going like hey did you know that Joseph Smith shot first at the at the jail Of the person was drunk at the time. Hey, did you know that bring him young add dozens of people massacred for getting too close to his shit Hey, did you know that the Joseph Smith organized an army with the intent to overthrow the US government?

None of that shit's coming out there like you know They're really lied about being a mason and cried like a bitch right before they all murdered him It's to the horse ones This was the least damaging apologetic they could find and that's why they used it in this movie. Right, right, exactly. Like I said, it's not like you've got to go deep into the book of Mormon to find an acronym.

They're just like, yeah, horses. That's the weirdest thing in this book. But that's when pops turns and directly addresses us. He goes, I mean, what does it say about the people that they just spend their whole lives making fun of people and I wrote in my notes? Don't talk about me like that, pops up, fuck you up. I give a shit how many pills you take every morning, take you down. And of course, the solution that he suggests to Kinnaker is he's like, why don't you look that stuff up in our books? I mean if you want an objective source on Mormonism, why don't you look to the Mormons? Jesus, but the main message of this movie though is this strong like don't look into this bullshit message

Do not do your own research. Yeah this movie right right exactly. Oh God. Boy does that come come to a boil later on in this fucking movie so but before we get there we have to get to this Hispanic family where crazy hot daughter has decided she wants to be a Mormon and dad's not so sure about this yeah door of the explorer really wants to get baptized but she can't have a magic spell cast on her unless her dad says go right right yeah and dad's like we're're Catholics and Dora's like, but I don't want to get kidraped anymore. He's like, you're a girl. Ha ha ha.

But yeah, you're fine. Cut it out. I don't know, I tie my hair back and he starts to look at me weird. I just think it's safer to go with the warm. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. As long as I don't run into Alan's dad. Yes.

Ha ha ha. Shit. Now it's time to go talk to the hookers again. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So we get another missionary montage. They walk back by the hookers and this time he goes, if you read that book and one of the hookers says, yes, I did read it. And he believes her about as easily as I do.

And he quizzes her. He's like, really? What's your favorite part? And she's like, I like the part where that guy who's like, you get burned at the stake. And he's like really what's your favorite part and she's like I like the part where that guy who's like you gets burned at the Stake and he's like Cool you want to hang outside her name Exactly what she says to her favorite part is there there's a guy and he's exactly like you and they murdered the fuck out of him And he's like yeah, I liked that part too. Yeah

He was exactly right. It's pretty awesome So yeah, and they are so turned on by the fact that she's able to name this part of the book of Mormon. Oh, yeah. The important thing is that we're supposed to believe that a person who's not Mormon that a street prostitute read the book of Mormon voluntarily. And then came back and says, no, I'm interested

in this stuff, I really am. Right. So, and then from there, we move in. So they set up to like actually get with her and come to her place and tell some Mormon stories. Or whatever you ever have. In the best way, humanly possible. It will, yeah.

It will. But before that, every time we keep saying, it's gonna get good. But before that, 90 more minutes. 90 more minutes 90 more minutes guys We got two minutes worth talking about in this movie, but we have to talk about all Not got awful moments. Yeah, right. Otherwise Heath would be all pissed when we put out this 15 minute episode You guys get to do the spark notes version of the movie and I miss it

Damn it. I'm going back to the beach I'm going back to the beach. Ever since you said that I can't look at his picture without thinking about nobody. Thousands of people have messaged me and just been like, I can't not see it. Every picture you see that's what it means. Yeah, right. So now we get one of the buddy cop moments where they're all sitting there talking about their parents and everything. And again, for no goddamn reason, none of this information ever becomes important, but apparently Pop's dad wanted him to be a surgeon, but instead he was stupid for a living. And his dad didn't like the idea that he was volunteering for slave labor.

And it's supposed to be like a can you believe that what a dummy to do this for free? And he's like, yeah, man crazy my dad gave me a fake autograph back baseball by Hank Aaron His sob story is that his dad left when he was seven But before he did he gave him an autographed baseball by Hank Aaron But then when he looked it up the the dandruff fucking faked it. Yeah, yeah. And that's the most I want to see that scene. Here you go.

Hank Aaron. Bye-bye. Oh, that's real. That's real. That's how you spelled it. But now we get to meet Brother Rose, who might be my favorite character in the movie. Yeah. And Brother Rose wants to be a Mormon, but he just can't give up coffee.

That's the actual fucking story arc we get for this character. Yes, he isn't a full-blown Mormon because he likes his coffee too much, but he's agreed to drive the missionaries somewhere for every time he drinks a coffee. Right. And he has a coffee ride tracking chart in his van like a crazy person would it looks like something from fucking Kevin Spacey's notebooks and I think there's a deleted scene where brother rose suck someone's dick for a frappuccino Had to cut it Crazy billionaire money. They're sure as hell will be So then they go to this they're going to see this guy Benny and they're going to have a little cookout and there's three Mormon girls

They're and they're all crazy fucking hot everybody in his goddamn movie is so hot all the chicks were anyway They did they got people for this movie for the most part more or less And I should point out that Benny is basically what happens if this son from breaking bed had fucked Andy Rooney from the breakfast club Oh, like that's... That's Benny. Somehow offensive to disability and Asians in a way that makes both worse. He's very, very excited to be a Roman. Oh, jeez. Watch the movie.

Yeah, I know you got a man of the movie. Well, then you can get mad at Eddie. Well, then yeah, I'm excited. Eventually. And this is where we meet bitchy love interest. Oh my God. Yeah, this, this woman, this love interest in general is probably the worst I've ever seen in film.

It's like, you know, those, those, those romantic comedies where it starts out that they hate each other, but then they get booked in the same hotel room and have to share it for the weekend and by the end of it, they look, it's like the beginning of that and then they just wind up married at the end Right, they never exactly they never did the second half the couple in loving the bad man have more chemistry Literally, I'm not making that up like they have a nice moment through that little glass plate thing So yeah, so she's she's basically trying to make him feel stupid and uncultured and it doesn't seem like that's a real high bar to try to reach. Well she goes do you play any musical instruments because he's

like drumming on the table because he's bored because she's boring and he's like no no I don't play any of these she goes I play the cello it's shaped like a big violin and this is by the, in case you're wondering, we're aniletha-rinses-a. Shaped like a cello is what it shaped like. That's where she left. You don't fuck around with stringed instruments with Anna Pismeth.

I could, I was hoping actually that she left before that I was like, man, I don't have to bite you like a new TV or computer or something. So yeah, and then the next step in her humiliation scheme here or whatever is to ask him what he thinks are the three greatest books ever written. And she gives her list of the greatest books like she looked it up on fucking line. Absolutely. This could not be a more cookie cutter answer for someone who has not read those books and has not read any great literature

Just like grapes of wrath war and peace Shakespeare like just like smart book Beethoven's side one track one my but it's my name is asher Lev which is just so My name is asher Lev like what is just so my name is Ashur Lev Like I wouldn't that would be not top. I can't even I can't even that's it's it's supposed to be a smart answer And then she's like what are your favorite books goose bumps and I had a nice moment because I love the shit out of goosebumps Oh, or that dummy tries to rape that girl

But read that book again that dummy is trying to rape that girl There's a lot of potential rapes and goosebumps. You gotta look on it with the grown-up eyes, but like I Bet you didn't have to though. I Dummy's gonna rape you and I was like enough of these that's it. So you're in third grade But this whole torture bullshit is apparently set up so that when he's when when she says so what are your favorites goose bumps one two and three he can say no the bible the book of Mormon and the doctrines and covenants and everybody can just like oh yeah yeah you set yourself up for

that was like no his answer was even stupider than yours. Yeah, he actually came up with worse answers. Yeah, exactly. Not even mad, I'm just impressed. So then we cut inside where Pops and Benny are having this conversation with the most pot, like this could not more look like it was going to be some gay domination porn that the entire setup was perfect for that.

Well, he says, look, whatever we say here, that's just between us, okay? Yeah. And I'm like, oh, all right, they're gonna fuck, right? Can you feel this, Benny? How high do I have to go before you can feel it, Benny? So yeah, there's nothing natural about the way they're talking to each other if this ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha give you the ability to walk an act three. Jesus fuck this. Don't get me started. 20 minute. Yeah.

This is that is, we'll talk about it. Hey, I'm gonna have this. Well, this is yes. This is where we learned that Doc was in his second year of medical school and he thought, nah, instead of helping people, I'm gonna air quotes help people. Right, right.

So now we get him driving away from Benny's and they're talking about the hotties. They're like, like that blanche it's just like oh her boobs i didn't notice them uh... her name by the way of sister fronck fronck sister fronck as in surprise me in the middle of the night ask me to name a character sister fronck yeah i wake up name this character fronck fronck names fronck fronck and fronck just fronck

okay go back to sleep so then he wakes up and this is actually fairly clever. I thought he wakes up and they make you think he's having an earthquake, but it turns out the pops is just having a seizure. Yes, and this is a fucking terrifying scene. It really is. Because they really is. He's having a grandma seizure.

They put a spoon in his mouth and they call the the hospital right but then they do like a fucking he or seen but it's hurry bless him like this literally a moment was like dammit man bless him and put magic oil on his head right and then the and kinnaker can't quite do it so they just push him aside and he lays on the ground as the the black i jumps in and has to do the magic oil ceremony for him

no that up until this movie it was or up until this point this movie was just as the the black guy jumps in and has to do the magic oil ceremony for him. No, I've been told this movie. It was or up until this point this movie was just like, oh, yeah, but it's stupid and this is what they do or whatever, but this is where it became terrifying. Dangerous. Fucking terrifying. And I should point out that every person, because we ask people on our Facebook, um, for God awful movies, like what warm in movie should we watch? And everyone was like, they were like, cyber in the snow. And, uh, what is it? Johnny

Lingo. And this, this was the movie that everyone was like, this is the one that I was told was the good, Mormon movie. Please, please do this movie. And this is some dangerous, scary shit. Yes. And but they take him to the hospital because I'm sure they've got the really good oil at the hospital You know right. Yes, apparently their magic spell wasn't quite enough We don't have enough oil here take him to the special oil dispensary Because if your oil works you don't need a hospital, right? That's that you would be they would be superfluous

Yes, so yeah, but but apparently elder Alan has to go with him because he's his companion and at this point I'm just like do you have to just sit in the next stall and hold his hand the whole time this is weird and the answer is yes Yeah, I guess so yeah exactly as we'll learn it doesn't even end when you're dead So then we get this extraordinarily long waiting at the hospital montage Mm-hmm, which I used to open my computer and jerk off to several full-length pornography You know in this case you're wondering what to do during that time period. And eventually after 93 minutes of this white grimace shows back up to Tell Allen, what's up? He's like, why don't you come with me? And he's like,

because you're disgusting, you're just like a goddamn lump. You're like, pizza the hot from space balls, but a human. Right. But we learn that Pops has a brain tumor. Yep. And he has three or four months left to live. Three or four months, yeah. He's on a very limited existence schedule. Yeah, now I don't want to be the guy who's super pedantic

about this moment in the movie. But if you have three or four months to live, you're not totally fine and then die. That's not how brain tumors work. Or illness in general, just so people are aware, this movie seems unaware that like brain tumors aren't time bombs that go off in your brain. Exactly. Well, that's the other thing, too, is that he's got three or four, that's not how that works either. You know, it has a certain percentage of chance of living for a certain,

but it's not like you ask the tumor. You know, when are you gonna be done with this guy? Give me, I say June. Say June. Three-poil on something like that. Ooh, I really need it by Wednesday. Sorry, can't do it, men. Can't do it, express cleaning.

Why do you even call it express cleaning? Okay? Just tell me that I can pay you $20 and get my shirts on Thursday. Just tell me So so but at this point too like Alan asks the obvious question He's like well if he's only got three or four months left to live Why don't you let him go home? He's like he refuses to go he actually wants to just die on somebody's porch Trying to guilt them about a pamphlet think about how effective that would be. Right? So I guess that makes sense.

But so then eventually we get pops waking up and of course the first thing he thinks about is I have a 330 appointment you're gonna have to hit that for me. Yeah go bother someone. Promise me. Promise me you'll ruin someone's breakfast. Don't let them catch the overtime. Whatever you do. And then we get again just a comedy scene which is very inappropriate for this moment in the movie. We cut to them trying to convert Grizzly Adams. And he's all the stereotypes of white poverty. There are crying children running around barefoot and pregnant, and then the mom is screaming from the other room, like, where am I meant to all cigarettes, NASCAR, country music? Yeah, exactly.

This is the family that throws the pro-paint tank into the campfire. And I should point out that there are children screaming throughout this entire six-minute scene here Just so they can set up this whole yeah, and more men is and you get to be with your family forever And he's like you see my family, don't you why the hell would I want to do that? That's the whole joke, but we have to spend six and again This is because this happened to this Mormon guy and he's like, that was pretty funny though, when you think about it. Hey guys, like I wouldn't want your family either.

And you guys like, no, sorry, I thought you were the 72 virgins guys. I don't, I already have this bitchy wife, so yeah. I'm looking for the guys that's at it, I can hit her. I'm not, no, no, that's us, that's us. Right. So yeah, so then we cut back to the house and then he got the guy showing him the pictures of

of of not being on his fucking mission. Man, do I miss this? He's also there's this great moment where he he doesn't have the money to get all the pictures he's taken on his mission developed. So he pulls out this big thing of of canister and he's like, I guess I'm all I'll get him all developed when I get home and I just wrote my notes. Oh, remember getting pictures developed. I'll get them all developed when I get home and I just wrote my notes. Oh, remember getting pictures developed Yeah, yeah, they turned out right someone walked in front of your camera. You wanted to kill him Yeah, your wife kind of looks 16 even though she's 19 so you're a little nervous Yeah, so now we cut I mean in my case they were Sixteen

Eli what did we say? What did it point look exactly? We don't look 16 look 16? Don't admit to being a pet a file on the pocket. It's on the whiteboard. I'm looking at it. This is on me So so now we get more of the hanging out at the Mormon house and being all funny and hanging out at the Mormon house and being all funny and pranky and stuff. The prank is to take a picture of him taking a shit. Yeah, and they laugh about that like they're on peyote and nothing's rapin the moon yet. This is the funniest thing ever, a black man taking a shit. Right.

And every time they do that, there's a didgeridoo sound. Like every time the guy's mad, it's's like It's fucking insane. It's fucking insane And now we get a scene that I I can only assume means that in the future I do get crazy billionaire money and Time travel is invented and I go back in time and insert this scene in this movie That's the only way this scene makes sense. Oh my God. Yeah.

Time traveling Eli put this scene in this movie. I did. He and the black guy are gonna go try to convert some black people. Right. Well, it starts with with pops in the hospital. He calls him and he's like, hey, I'm gonna go to that appointment. He's like, take banks. He's like, why? He's like, because there is no way we could get away with putting these lines in a white actor's mouth.

Haha, haha, haha, not even Mormons would accept that. And they basically are just like, hey, black guy, what's the deal with blacks not being able to be priests until 1978? And he's like, it's not about race. And she's like, it's definitely about race. And she's like, it's definitely about race. That's why they made it about race. Yeah, right. He's like, well, the priesthood isn't a right, you up in the neighbors.

Neighbors. I was planning on staying at the whole time. We're all neighbors. There's also this great moment where Allen's like, well, you know, I think, and they're like, shut the fuck up, motherfucker. I'm like, right, sorry, not my thing. Okay, cool.

I'm white, I'll be over here. I'm gonna try and pull this munchkin off my face. And so, okay, so yeah thing. Okay, cool. I'm white. I'll be over here. I'm gonna try and pull this munch enough my face And so okay, so yeah, I mean and I guess the Mormons who wrote this thought that they were dealing with some of these racial issues instead of just pointing them out But like basically like banks his argument back is my fellow Negro's let's not hate white people Let's hate Jews am I right? We can divide them up into little groups and hate just this one segment of the white people. That's really his argument because he's like, well, I mean if you look back at the Old Testament, it used to be that only the Levites got to be priests, not even all the white people could do it. So slowly we got around to you. Fun fact, that's not true. It's the co-hands

that could be priests. That's a common mistake So even the movies wrong about its own stupid movie well to be fair So is the Bible apparently about it's own stupid religion So yeah, and then he also gives this like well I would like to explain to you that Mormons were one of the first religions in America to have black leaders standing in front of white congregations and that's like when you see the car ad where their card in rank first in anything and they're like it has the highest rear crumples on safety rating in its class. Exactly. The only fucking thing they could think of to say.

Oh, and then I love to because the because the after he like throws out his bullshit jingly keys for all of the race stuff that the chick is like, well, what about women? It's 2016 and they still can't be priests, right? He's like well God has a penis Exactly that's really his answer. He's just like look. I don't know. Okay. The answer is I don't know Well, I got to the next thing well Even worse than that because he goes she goes well Our women are gonna get the priesthood and he goes well, you'll have to ask God about that. And how many fucking movies we've seen, where once the character has a question that's

completely unanswerable and really demonstrates the bullshit of the religion, he's like, well, you're going to have to ask God about that. Yeah. It's weird that the characters in all of these Christian movies behave the way that people do when they tweet at know about the shit that I say on other podcasts, okay? Right. How come you let pre-pots? That's not my thing. I don't know what Noah thinks about myth at this minute.

Well, mentors. Then the end of this scene. This is where I'm absolutely sure about the time traveling E-Life bit because this is how the scene ends. The black guy that they're trying to convert turns to banks the black Mormon guy and he says boy they're making a fool out of you and the scene just just lingers there for several seconds and dies because nobody there had the acting chops to pretend otherwise right well I assume because the cut line was... Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehhhhh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! We've got a guy who reads books and he doesn't believe any of this shit.

I want to go. Look, there's only three black atheists and I'd like to be the fourth. I think I'm ready. Ishmael's lonely. Yeah. Me ishmael and Alex jewels. I'm going to take on the world. So now it's time to cut to a good old fashioned Mormon roof party.

Yeah. I wrote, how is this only halfway over? But they're talking about Mormon stuff. And this is great because they might as well just be going potato, potato, potato, potato. Yeah. I had no idea what the fuck they were talking about through any of this. Well, this is, so they're about to be, I looked this up. Okay.

They're about to be moved to different wards. Oh, okay. And wards are fuck huts. So they get put in fuck huts so that they'll get ready to fuck each other. And if they don't fuck each other in their fuck huts quickly enough, they get moved to other fuck huts to find someone to fuck. And so the girls are taking too long to get matched up in their fuck huts. So they're about to get moved to other quote-unquote missions to be fucked appropriately.

I see. I see. Yeah. So when you hear the word ward for all our non-exmo listeners, it just replace fuck-cutch. Yeah, just. Yeah. And not just in terms of Mormonism.

Just do that in your day-to-day life. You'll be a happier person. Absolutely. So yeah. And then also, and I thought that they were going to move away from all the racists shit but apparently they're going to linger there a little bit longer because we got banks and and Alan chatting about the racist shit and banks saying like you know Hey, you know, I didn't know about any of this racist shit until after I was baptized talk about you know

Shit, they should have told me going in and this is their attempt of an apology or an apologetic, because he's like, yeah, man, that was really hard to hear about all that horrible, horrible shit that they did and still do. But I went and visited the jail where things happened, and they played us a scary tape, because I was 15, and I cried and had a Holy Spirit experience, because when you overexposed children to emotion they confuse it with religious bliss. Yes.

Exactly and they can't even hide that within their fucking movie. They put the god hell met on me but for realsies. Yeah, right. And it's genuinely, I want to point out like this is a well-acted movie. This is genuinely tragic like this is not Funny for this is where I started messaging Noah like fuck. We got an anti-mormon movie. God We got to do leap a week early. We got to do we believe we got to do leap a week early. Yeah, well right right Yeah, because at this point in the movie you're just like wow boy with this convinced me not to be a Mormon if I was human and Boy would this convince me not to be a Mormon if I was human And and then to I love at the end he's goes he goes like you know, but that's just God

He gives you a hundred reasons to believe in two not to I'm like to do you have any idea the kind of racist shit Brigham Young's anyway anyway to be fair lots of people do that like you know Whenever you publish a science paper usually at the end they have a couple of things that are just like oh and by the way This is what is bullshit. Yeah, right? Yeah, I don't know. It's a test. Do you believe? You got to have faith in evolution Yeah, exactly those through those three or four things that we all know disprove evolution We just ignore those because it strengthens our ability to believe in it And apparently they had no way to end this scene.

So they have that guy, San Doval, stand up and do the eye-on-the-golden God speech from almost famous at this rooftop or whatever so they can throw stuff at each other. And I'm like, I'm writing to my notes, is this Mormon for fun? Yeah, God, that is so fucking sad. You could be sucking on each other's erogenousggin is zones here good but instead you gotta throw crumbled up pieces of paper yeah that's all that got

wow so then we get we cut to that night and more m and quarry ham can't sleep it's probably the rat chewing on his cheek but uh he goes to the kitchen and it turns out that guy who sees through all the bullshit also can't sleep and this was you know right coming right off of the uh... the scene where the the black guy is like uh... you know wow is this incredibly racist this is where I started like if you hadn't already watched it and assured me no no no it is a more man movie i would have the same thought right because it's genuinely tragic this is a genuinely brilliantly acted tragic horrible moment in this movie yeah and and it's it's so ridiculously telling and and i say ridiculously telling because this is telling the message they don't want getting out because this guy canna girl who'd been reading the

books the whole time he's like you know obviously very torn and he sees the candy goes like what if all the people high up in the church know that it's a lie And he sees the candy goes like what if all the people high up in the church know that it's a lie What if they all know and they do right? I mean, there's no fucking way you can get high up in the church of Mormonism without knowing that Yeah, Joseph Smith went to prison for any probably stole the book of Mormon as bad as it is You probably stole that from some other dude and blah blah blah. Oh there like you can't look Three inches into the facts behind Mormonism and stormer church elders come forward all the time and talk about how people know like this is a this is a known Quantity yeah exactly. It's not it's not even a Supposition like it's not like what we do with like the Pope where we're like hey Francis is just making that shit up

Because he likes making it live in a city made a goal And this is a thing that happens all the fucking time. Yeah, this is like a going clear had been published in 1938. But then, but that's the thing though, it that he has this very emotional meant, but he's like, what if they all know and they're lying to us just so they'll have slave labor and a lot of fucking money? Yeah, and he says, if they are, damn them to hell.

Yeah, and it was really well acted too. It was like surprisingly well acted. Yeah, it's the best and realist moment we've ever watched and it's weird because I actually got very emotional because I realized like a ton of our listeners had this moment right like it's I sit here and watch a movie and you've talked about this and I've talked about this and your diet Tribe last week was about this but like my mom listens to our show. My atheist experience was like, Buh, that's it, that's my de-conversion, but like, this is what people who listen to this show went through. Right.

And that's fucking horrifying. Right, because yeah, this guy literally is, we're watching this guy wake up to the fact that he's been lied to for his entire life, he's been taken advantage of, he's in the process of being taken advantage of, he's been employed to take advantage of other people and this kid like I said really pulls this off. So on that somber and surprisingly honest moment we're gonna pause for a well-earned break but first let me give act three the hard sell. Will mark get the microfilm to the CIA before the Russian spies get to him. Will Melanie's grandma get the medicine she needs before she turns back into a

jackalandern. Did I just start making up backstories for the extras to tamp down on the desire to hang myself rather than watch anymore of this boring shit? You bet your ass I did. I'ma get my gun. Now get in there and tell him what's what. Oh no please, please don't kill me, I'll suck your dick, I'll swallow your loaches please. I made a poop in my panties! I made a poop in my panties!

Surprise! You should've seen the... Oh my god, fuck! Fuck, dude, I'm sorry! It's okay, it was just a joke, it was set up. Oh god, he really did shit himself. Yeah, he really did that's yep. I don't really know Where to go from this this moment. This is kind of awkward. Hey, hey, hey buddy You can use my mouth as a fuck charge is down

No, nobody's gonna use your mouth as a joke It was a joke no joke. It was a joke. See it was a joke joke, yeah, what welcome? Welcome to the group Man you guys you guys sure got me good Yeah, I bet everybody does what I did huh. Yeah sure yeah they sure do. I'm kidding right now. Totally. He sure do. He sure do. He happens all the time.

Well son daddy's gonna go get some cigarettes but first I want to give you this. What is it? It's a Hank Aaron autograph baseball. Wow dad, thanks. That's amazing. Uh, hey dad didn't Hank Aaron spell it with two A's? What? Oh fuck. Let me see that.

Let me see that. Oh yeah, this isn't it at all. Give me one second. I'll get the right baseball There you go Hank Aaron Wow, it looks so similar. Well, you know, but baseball is baseball Yeah, yeah, I guess so okay. I can see you aren't impressed. Well, how about this World War two swords sand by George Washington himself, huh? Come on dad. That's like not even close like we both know. Okay, all right wait one last one I got a book what says that black people are

punishment from God and that ancient Israelites invented wooden submarines. I love it. See this, this is why I'm leaving. And we're back for more of this shit. When we last saw our hero, he was given every reason to recognize Mormonism for the unsupportable bullshit that it is and refuse to take it. So now we're gonna go to them at the hospital where they're gonna go check up on pops.

And at this point, I was genuinely concerned and messaging Noah being like, so leap is a parkour movie. But I don't know how much time you have. Have you seen it guys? Oh, this is no good. This is no good. But luckily for us, they immediately cut to a scene

where the orderly at the hospital sort of implies that maybe the guy's dead. Right. Because they're like, oh, we were looking for the guy with the brain tumor and they're like, yeah, he's gone. And he's like, oh, he's dead. He's like, no, no, no, he just left. Yeah, weird way to get your kicks orderly, dude.

Right, what a dick. I'm sorry, he's no longer with us. Because he's down at lunch. Yeah, I like to have fun. I fuck the bodies. I fuck the bodies. If your friend does die, I will fill him. Right.

Yeah, so he does the whole like doctor from family guy, stick or whatever. And so they leave and they're in traffic. They're trying to get to Benny's baptism. I guess they're baptizing Benny and the hooker today. Right. And so, you know, at least we get to see the hooker getting soaking wet. At least they give me that.

Yep, and they do. But Benny didn't show up for his baptism. Yeah. He was not good enough for white skin. Quite. Yeah. I guess. Yeah. And we should point out that Pops left his hospital. He's not okay. Right. He's not well. He just had to be at the magic bobbing for spiritual cleansing ceremony. Yeah. Right. right. Yeah, he skipped out on medical treatment to be there And so and this scene culminates of course with some more strained painful torture to tempts at flirting between him and the Waitress hot blonde check. Yeah, all the sexual tension of a parole hearing

And she sits down. This is what happens. She sits down and he goes, don't be rude to me, okay? And she's like, I wasn't rude to you. You're right. I was rude to you. And I'm like, romance. Yeah, exactly. And he says that he's willing to read war in peace for her. I'm like, don't do it, dude. Don't do it. It's fine. These Russians are sad about the things that they can't control. There you go. I saved you forever. I saved you fucking forever. read some name of the wind. And this is where both of our notes contain 45 minutes and 12 seconds left. Yeah. No one's got nanoseconds written down there.

Right, yeah, I've got some, I've got some, I've got some, uh, decimal places. But this is where we learn, because here, here, this is where the movie brought it back. Right, because here's the thing. You're listening to this right now, and you're like, hey guys, you need to funny the fuck up this podcast. And don't worry, because this is where the movie takes a hard right turn into crazy. A hard right turn, because she's about to tell us that she broke off her marriage, because when her fiance came back from his Mormonism trip, he was so damn Mormon that she just didn't deserve him. Well, and that's the thing is that this is one of those hard rights

that starts off as a laugh, D.O. like they have to swing around the large load or something, because she's like, yeah, when he came back from his mission, he just wasn't the same. And we're like, oh, okay, so it ruined his life. He was better. Wait, what? Wait, what?

He was so much better that I couldn't bear my testimony yeah and I love your note here oh the the the the Dix surgery one yeah yeah because that's everything that she says it's so like he's like he was so strong in his faith I couldn't bear it it's like this is penis augmentation did I talk about this dick stuff right yeah exactly exactly and by the way I have written in my notes at this point, TIGGOOHIGGOOH. My cat walked over my keyboard as I was watching this scene, and I couldn't bear to erase that because that's as meaningful as anything I could think to say about this scene. Yeah, cat Wilford Brimley was like, here's what I think, Darby, this is like... Why are you watching their strip?

Look at my asshole. Look at my asshole. So they leave a... That's a Wilford Premier person. Here's the thing. Someone doesn't know Wilford Premier. And they're just like, when did they're googling him now? And they're like, why did that guy show someone their ass?

Yeah, I guess it's a dog person so yeah, so they leave the beach and apparently somebody took the van I guess or whatever so they have no way to get back I Well, and this is where we get the crazy it well not the craziest one of the craziest moments in the movie because they're like I guess we should take the bus and pops is like oh can't take the bus if I sit down I'll fall asleep and if I fall asleep I'll die and he's like so we should take you back to the hospital right pops and he's like no no no no no no go talk to the hookers yeah apparently he's like uh Jason's stathom and crank or whatever he's got to keep his adrenaline going and and so now we go they we go back to pops in Alan who are over at Benny's place

Just sitting on his porch, you know trying to figure out where he what went wrong And this is like the stalker boyfriend of religious proselytization at this point He didn't show up the fucking baptism leave the poor guy alone Yeah, I wanted them to be holding a fucking boom box over their head Playing the book of Mormon The podcast they're just playing it. Michael showin So and then of course we get a little bit more of the backstory here and it starts off with them going like how are you born Mormon? Here we go take me there Noah, but take me you know what it is. Yes, take me there

Then he drops the dad in prison thing. Why is his dad, do you say a moment? Pause the podcast. Why is his dad in prison? Tons of fraud? Write down a list of what you think it might be. Take a second and think about how you would want the only Mormon character, the Mormon father figure in this movie would be portrayed. Because he turned his son Mormon, right?

Yeah, right. His son was Pentecostal Yeah, what's he doing? Oh, he stole some bread to save his sister's son right now He's got a tattoo on his chest getting chased around by a French guy, right? No, no, no, no, no Fucked a bunch of kids. He was a serial child molester. Fucked a bunch of kids not even one kid He fucked a bunch of women all over the country with the Mormon church. Like on Mormon missions, fucking children. A county fair tour of child fucking. Yes.

That's the, they didn't have to, they, but they did. But they did, he could have robbed banks. He could have robbed, he could have anything to make your Mormon character look better than fucking a bunch of kids. Yeah, he could have shot an old lady for her fucking social security check. Sure. Anything. Anything but what they did. And so he goes and then he goes like, yeah, but on the other hand, so wait, stop. This is how we roll. This is how we roll. He says he says but you know he made me Mormon So and then he does like a

Yeah, I wonder why that child molester kept wanting me to get soaking wet and baptized fucking Crazy what the craziest thing I have ever heard of well it gets even fucking crazier when we get to pop this response because he's like you know yeah I haven't had much luck in the dad department he's like well at least your real father is there for you as well no my real father let me talk about God and she's this man I'm like what a dick thing to say to a guy without a dad what a what a crazy scene What a crazy? I mean you know, there's no way to write pops his character unless he puts a t-shirt gun in his mouth and

shoots out the back of his head There's no way to I mean he wrote himself into a corner, but it is the craziest thing in the world where they just sort of like shrug their shoulders and if you're wondering Hey, does that kid fucking dad Scenario ever come back in this movie no no there was never a reason for that in no way Now so I want you to keep in mind that the progression of what we've had in this movie right So we've got the kidnigger guy the guy who's reading books that aren't more men who is convinced that this is bullshit and we have his team and we have all the racist shit that we dealt with and then we had wow you

know uh... pops is like for going important medical treatment just so that he can be at this weird ceremony and then wow my dad's a child molester and the child molester made me into a more man so like at this point it is so easy to think wow they're tricking Mormons well done guys they're tricking Mormons into seeing all this shit. We could recut the last 20 minutes of this movie and it becomes the strongest atheist prop. I'll just put a bunch of curly fries on my head and throw on a fucking brown marker just paint half of it and then just be like

man I'm going home. Boom! Chew and that's it that's just made the perfect anti-mormon propaganda film well right well let's give it two more scenes before we do because we also have to get the part now this is where where kina ga re is fed up in leaves yes right so he he comes home and he sees the uh... kina ga re is left his pet uh... stack of boy is this thing bullshit books with a note that says two elder

Alan like dude like let's let's you know figure this out here so I guess he's going to the bus station so now we go back to that scene again but this time it's pops and Alan showing up to try to talk vinegar back in to going you know to the Mormon thing right they're basically like he and again this is so well act but why why give kindergarten these lines why why movie but basically kindergarten's like this is all bullshit you fucking know it read those books and pops is like you think I haven't read all the books you have and kindergarten's like then say anything say anything right the only reason you're a warming is because you have cancer

and you're afraid to die. And then he punches him. Yes. Yes. Just response to your just afraid to die is is me trying to open a can of Pringles. He gets between my thighs. He gets in a fight with the brain tumor guy, a fist fight, and then Gintegrar starts leaving Johnny Lingo music starts playing for no fucking reason, and then he turns to Alan and he's like, hey man, bus goes through Kansas City on the way. And all of our notes are, go I'm old, be free! Right! Yeah, right! And again, that's where the fucking movie should end right there. That's where it ends at crazy billionaire money. But no, now we go to the goddamn restaurant where they're like him and him and Pops are eating and Pops is lost and other ones, so he's all upset.

Right. And this is fucking insane. Here's the scene again. Why is the scene in your movie? Because this is the scene where he goes, right, okay, if I'm a Mormon, this is the scene where he just blows canager away. Where he's like, all that's because he says, all that stuff he said wasn't true, right? And what's supposed to happen in the Christian movie you write to convince people to stay Christian is, dude, let me tell you something. God makes horses where God makes horses. And that thing about Mormon Joseph Smith turns out it's not true I got a video of Joseph's worth telling the story four times backwards because it's totally matches up And instead he looks at me and goes I'm not gonna convince you man

You're just gonna have to but yeah his messages. You're just gonna have to believe this shit Mm-hmm. That's all he's got and he gives it to a two-man like five minutes worth of melodramatic key jingling, but all he's got and he gives it to him in like five minutes worth of melodramatic key jingling But all he's got is none of this shit makes sense man. You just gotta accept it Right, and he goes look I can't answer those questions and I wrote my notes. Oh, okay I'm gonna go you want to split the check or you know what you get this one you get this one because I was in your cult And you didn't have an answer for me and you didn't pay me for anything Yeah, and now we're gonna get the day new mall him turning religious scene because

here's the thing again, up until this point, I was worried that this movie was not going to be good for our show. Right. But now it's time for him to squeeze his butt cheeks together and be Mormon. Well, right. And this, okay. So we get this praying montage and this goes on for like 25 minutes, but what we first see, and this is, I guess this is, we're supposed to be cheering this,

he throws the books he hasn't read away. Fuck those books. This movie. Yeah, as the movie would have him do, and then he reads the Bible for a while and then asks the inside of his own head what's correct. We call that epistemology boys and girls. Mm-hmm. What the fuck? That's the actual message of this movie.

It's like when you find information that conflicts with what we tell you, throw it away and wish in your head that you didn't know it. Yeah, it's like all those illegal movies, like Jerry McGuire or fucking Ten Angry Men where the guy finally figures out the evidence that's gonna convict the killer or set the teenager free

except all he does is think to himself and then the movie expects us to be like, oh he figured I want the truth like that's what it's supposed to be that I want the truth scene but he's just yelling at it himself and then he answers himself and then that's it it never we never address any of the points that have been raised he thought real hard in his head and it's fucking over. The conversation he had with himself turned out well for his delusions, so done so make one so.

Yeah, right. And it's kind of like that fucking lawyer in that scene found the fucking evidence and then threw it away and prayed to God and asked of what he should do. The garbage and was like, tell me, Jebus. And also they have this this scene where he's like, he's he's tried to pray several times, but he couldn't, I guess, he had false starts. I don't even fucking know, came to or I don't know. Yeah, he was thinking about it too hard. You got to just let yourself pray. You know, you can't just

get your in your hand and stuff about it and just like, you know, put your mouth on prayer for a second. Just cuddle prayer. Just cuddle the Bible for a bit. But we're supposed to see that it all comes through for him, because he goes down to pray for the fourth time or whatever. And he's like, father who art in heaven, father, father. And then he brain comes or something. And we're supposed to realize that he's just had this daddy moment with God or with Jesus or whatever

because if your real dad abandoned you and your stepdad fucked a bunch of kids, what you're supposed to realize is that Jesus didn't do either of those things. Well, and you're also supposed to realize that God has a plan for you that involves your fucking deadbeat dad leaving in your other dad molesting a bunch of children and god not doing anything about it anyway so for the best but we know that this is um yeah well right but as we learned in the uh in in the caron like one of those molested children might have grown up to uh to rebel against their parents religion yeah don't judge a molester by its cover

it's my Bosnix And also And the Quran yeah exactly So so now we get cut to the next day We can tell that he's all the way in now because the alarm clock goes off and he's already up And he's got his shirt starched and his tie tie and he's ready to go change some minds In fact, they go straight back to that stingy Catholic dad that wouldn't let Dora become a fucking Mormon earlier Right and they convince the crap out of him. They say hey, he's like guys I'm still not convinced to join your cult just cut it out and they're like do you mind if we leave with a prayer and he has an asthma Tech I

My notes are just like dude silk scarf. What's going on? Nice and ex I'm like so yeah, so then he prays and of course he has the same mental orgasm God enters him from behind but gently, gently, and he decides to become a Mormon. Right. He Mormoned right in front of our very eyes. Right. And then we cut to them stalking Benny some more and I wrote in my notes, guys, Benny is growing fortune cookies instead of meth.

Leave him alone. So I wanted Benny to have been dead by the floor the whole time. He's like reaching up to the door. He had no way to find his body. There's a keep coming back to his house and they're like, you know, maybe we should look in. He is disabled. He could have fallen or something. But no, um, and then we get him praying, you know, dear Lord, please help us find Benny and suddenly he pops it up. Maybe we should call the hospitals, maybe the disabled guy got into an accident. Right. Which they think of three days after the last time they saw him.

But yes, that's what happened. And here is what we learn has happened to Benny. Yeah. Benny got the fuck beat out of him by LA gang bangers who thought he would be full of money like they thought it was a racist pinata I don't know what the motive was this is supposed to be a very tragic scene but it's one of those things where like someone's like poppy darling the arms of the angel so I could not get less fucks because it's just

the most racist worst version of what they think LA gang bangers are do because he's lying in the bed And he's like they beat me with their guns. How do I know? I'm not infected because he thinks that LA gang bangers gave him aides by hitting him aides guns They have the aides guns. It's like the rings that Pat Robertson Also do not steal my idea for aides guns guys I'm about this my kickstart is so close to being funded and I am I will not stall production because when a US hole is ruined it but yeah he's stupid and it's so melodramatic to because like what the here's what we've got we see a character with a fakie caught

on his forehead and he's like I'm probably gonna die and they're like no they wouldn't have left you let sent you home from the hospital if you were gonna die and he's like, I'm probably gonna die. And they're like, no, they wouldn't have left you let you sent you home from the hospital if you were gonna die. And he's like, I don't have insurance. He's like, oh, yeah, they totally won. Oh yeah, no, they would have. I'm surprised they let you come all the way here

and didn't just roll you into the dumpster in the parking lot. What are you, Prince's Peach? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. And this is where I am this scene, what's about to happen is where I am this scene, what's about to happen, is where I stopped wanting to not watch this movie and knowing that Noah would watch this movie became the most spiritually important thing in my life.

Ha ha! All right, so the sister, Benny's sister comes in to the kitchen where where pops is taken as tumor pills, I guess, and she says, weren't you gonna be a doctor at one point isn't there something you can do? And he's like, no, I gave up on useful stuff in favor of Mormonism. And she's like, oh, but is there anything you can do? He's like, nothing useful. No, I'm a Mormon. And or at least that's what I thought was going on here. At least that's what a sane mind would have expected

And he's like, you know what there is something I can do bring me the magic oil oil oil oil Yeah, just to clarify we said this a little bit because we mentioned the crutches earlier Benny cannot walk And Benny has just been beaten really badly so that he cannot even walk with his crutches earlier, Benny cannot walk. And Benny has just been beaten really badly so that he cannot even walk with his crutches. Right. And they broke his crutches because they're evil LA gangbangers. Right. But that's okay because pops is going to go in there to cast a magic spell. He sure is. He sure is. That's what's going to fucking happen. Benny, do you believe in Jesus Christ? Do you believe he's super cool and could totally beat up Superman and Goku? Hahaha!

Here's some magic oil. Now you can walk. Now you can FUCKING walk! And indeed, he can! Oh my fucking god, and I'm just like writing in my notes. Hey, are you still crippled there, lady? Must not love Jesus enough? Must be praying wrong, I suppose yeah, fuck this goddamn fucking movie fuck them and their bullshit false hope that guys could have been a goddamn

Doctor could have been a doctor. You know those people who actually help people Yeah, right exactly the people who this actually happens for right? That's the fucking thing is that be you know back in the day whenever religion you say oh We can make the lame walk we can make the blind see we can make the death here and think the thing is is that science actually can do that Shit now a lot and it's so routine nice that we don't even look at it as a miracle But even today the best religion can do is imagine if their magic was as good as sciences. Yeah It's good as science really fucking is, and it's not, so they have to make up bullshit like this scene

where suddenly the crippled guy can walk because the Bournemouth's put fucking oil on his head. Yeah. You know why? The story where doctors do this is boring. Right! We didn't, it's just a part of the movie where he already went to the doctors and the doctors did the real shit. And the part where he already went to the doctors and the doctors did the real shit

And the part where pops went to the hospital and the hospital did the real shit It's all the boring part of this movie because it's real where they stand there for seven hours and fucking Cut you open and then take shit out and then put you back together again And it's not just what I do to mail poster workers who did get too close to my traps It's real and it would be a terrible who get too close to my traps. It's real and it would be a terrible boring movie that none of us would want to watch. And you want proof? There's surgeries on YouTube right now. Go watch one. You won't, you won't, you know why? Because they're fucking boring. Right. And the only way you can make it interesting is put, to put Jennifer Garner and Queen Latifa in there and act like there was magic involved somehow. Oh, we should start doing that. We should start just annotating boring search with things we pretend or magic

scalpel the scalpel of omunra Uh-oh doc looks like he's losing a lot of blood. No, he's not he's totally fun better use our Wunder wound She wonder twins activate just me and he threw a little rain dances around an operating room. Can we make them leave? I don't know. It's something about a Patreon goal. They promise they'd do it.

They eat a whole bucket of the gym backer stuff. So they're gonna need to be in this hospital anyways. Ha ha ha ha. Oh God, that's still coming, isn't it? So, and then of course, the Mormon coffee addict the guy that we met earlier he sees That Benny can now magically walk and decides to give up the devil's diaria once and for all so yes after the miracle Guy can walk who couldn't see we get a emotional scene about a man giving up coffee. Yep. That's that's Mormonism for you

Holy shit. So then we cut to the next morning and pops is dead Pops is dead and I wrote my notes try the oil Strange it's like they knew it was bullshit this time But I like the interpretation that he traded his life for Benny's legs, you know Yeah, exactly anyway, so yeah, so, so now he's dead of his brain tumor and Alan has to hold load him up. And it's like when you rent a couch

when you call the coroner, they expect you to help. Right, exactly. He's gonna dress him up and tie his shoes and plug his butt hole. Well, and we spend a lot of time with this dead body. I mean, we could have just cut to the funeral not the first time Noah has said that And the answer is because I was a nervous And not and you know we get Alan stick it sitting by the dead body and shit like that

I'm like wow this companion thing just keeps getting creepier Yep, holy shit. I thought when they died you get to go home But apparently not no you've got to lay with them in the ground until the two years is up Exactly and so then we get like the Mormon pre funeral because I guess they're gonna fly as body back home So that dad can have a regular funeral in the wrong religion So they're gonna have the little Mormon preeral where white grimace as a few words and it's basically walters sub check eulogizing donny pretty much

i i mean he's like you know we lacked patience and lost his temper even flirted with my wife cheated solitary smell like a black stew and a sweat he was in sufferable ass. Oh, I'm sorry. What would we what would we talk about? Sorry. Oh God. Everyone's here. Oh fuck fuck inside thoughts inside thoughts You also call some spiritually clumsy the Eli Bosnick story. Yeah I wrote my notes at this point like there is nothing I've done in my life bad enough to deserve another 11 minutes of this movies Ha ha ha ha and also this is probably the most insulting not to me but the most insulting line of the movie where it's just like you know it in his eulogy starts saying but you guys and this is where the gods army thing comes and he's like but you

guys are heroes just like those people who actually go out and risk their lives for things like no no they're not nope you know i i get a little bit you know i think we go a little bit overboard with the hero worship of police and firefighters and Soldiers in this country. I think we go a little far with that because there's other people doing equally dangerous jobs You know, we don't like garbage men die all the time. We don't you know Call them the heroes and so so I think we get a little bit overboard here But when you say oh you guys who go bother people while they're trying to eat their fucking breakfast and shit

You're just as good as the police officers who put their- no, you're not. You're the most useless fucking people we have, and if it wasn't for all the useful people around you, you would not be able to exist. Yeah, you guys are the 9-11 responders of bothering people who want to sleep in on Sunday. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And we see the blonde chick here again, and I just wanna point out that she's gotten less hot as the movie's gone on.

That's so weird. They usually go the other way, but. This movie's so terrible that it's like, you know, I'm sure Hitler is probably a fairly physically attractive man, but I can't see it. The six managers get in the way. So at this point in the movie, I hate all the characters and everything about the movie so much

that they could have pulled Megan fucking Kelly out of this scene and been like I'm just gonna take my clothes off and cover myself in oil and I would have been like looking Hair looks weird Spill your name weird How we get a literally like an eight-minute Breakfast club close up an eight- minute voice over to close it all off uh... to which i just simply wrote this movie is decidedly not over yet and so we we basically we get to learn that the

the guy who replaced pops is big well and he doesn't get the whole taking pictures of me while i'm shitting thing and i don't seem confused rather than amused by and yeah imagine that but we do get our our breakfast club clothes and the breakfast club clothes is basically uh brother rose gave up coffee but still gave people rides the hookers of Mormon now but she's not a hooker anymore right the red headed girl who who the fuck is that you remember her who cares she did something i promise to include her in the breakfast club closed it touched me through the pants she went home and was a mother well i as you say this is like the breakfast

club close when nothing interesting ever happened to any of these people either during the movie or after because it's all like sand oval went on to join the navy. It's like you're singing piano man at this point. Exactly. And then he ended up fucking the fronk chicken. Eventually, they had a baby. And they named pop. Which they named Dalton.

Well, right, but they call him pops. Yeah. They call him pops. They have a baby called pops it's like data naming his cat spot anyway so what the hell was point of the story what was it what was the moral here um only watch the first fifty minutes and will get you out of the cult right away

i had we know it's bullshit so shut up already but that's pretty much the same thing ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha had to die to make this a good movie. I'm going to go with a head-on collision with Kelly Colberg. We're like, they both die, but not right away. Like, the cars catch fire, but they can't get out, and everyone just watches them burn, suffer as they die. Like, they can't, they try, and they're begging and pleading for someone to just shoot them through the windshield, but no one has a gun, so they just, they just melt in their own skin like that. If I could have watched that for another hour and a half

I think this movie would have balanced out to suck. Yeah And I have one more point that I want to touch on about this movie the guy who made it and the guy who stars in it He's no longer a Mormon. Oh really? Yeah, he's not a Mormon anymore like a few years ago He bid this big. He's made a shit ton of Mormon movies and then he just put out this last thing being like yeah I'm still religious but I'm definitely not more than anymore and they went into fucking hiding so they would leave him alone so the guy who made this movie fucking got it eventually no one's a goddamn moron anymore maybe he just watched his movie so I guess that's gonna do it for our review of God's Army, but that's not gonna do it for the episode just yet,

because we still need a tingly or naughty bits over next week's show. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Leap finally. Now here's the thing. This movie was a bummer. Okay. Really was a boy didn't have Heath. There was the whole King Schmillinger guy. But next week,

we have a par core Christian movie for you. Let me say that again. This is a apocalypse-based par core Christian movie. There are no previews. It is on YouTube and we'll put the link on the Facebook page like we always do, but it is the single greatest thing This is these people cannot do parkour Well, I when E like and give you shit about your parkour abilities your parkour is far superior to everyone on this So far superior because if there's one way to guarantee he's gonna make time next week It's an apocalyptic parkour movie holy shit So with that to look forward to will bring up a 7 45 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to

catch yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful and thereby are an early access to every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our civilly shows the skating atheist and the skeptic ride available in iTunes, Stitcher and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions you can email Godolphinmovesatgmail.com all the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slatt and McAvivaldrafson Mars and was used with permission if you like

what you hear here more by following links on the show notes for this episode. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Eli Bosnik, I'm no illusions promise and a work hard to earn another chunk next week, until then we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Heath watched something good with no Mormons in it. It was the best. Bastard. Connie the waitress was a little nervous.

She'd never gotten a massage from such a sexy woman before. Oh, I like your ending. Kinnigar and about a hundred other ex-mos like him suggested this movie and listens to this show. Congrats guys. We made it through more than month and so did we. We made it! Don't you watch more than movies again. Never do and more than movies again. Watch Mormon movies again. Never do in Mormon movies again!