God Awful Movies - 450: Church People

Episode Date: April 2, 2024

This week, the guys team up for an atheist review of Church People, the Mike Lindell produced Christian comedy about a megachurch. Because atheists have to make their own hell. --- Come see us live in Salt Lake City on August 3rd! https://www.eventbrite.com/o/god-awful-movies-13226085022 --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

It was really sad. The first line is like, you know, I could have been on Broadway and I was like, wow, this is rough. Eli's watching this too. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. I don't think. Noah, you were introducing another scene? You were doing an important case. If you pick up the pace, Noah, if you don't mind, fuck. Jesus, keep it moving. So yeah. Keith, we have to fire now. Hahahaha! Godawful...

...movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie!

Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! my good friend Heath and right Heath. Welcome back. Unwatchable. Yeah. Unwatchable. Sure was. Can we do the glug glug glug again? I feel so bad that you missed that one. But no, unfortunately, we have to move on. Well, before we do, I have to also introduce that dude sitting under my mouth to my northeast.

He is my bad friend, Eli Vosniak. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? Better than this movie, Noah. Better than this movie. One. Better than this movie. One would have to be. Lowest bar to clear. So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched Church People produced by Mike Lindell.

It's the story of Joey Fatone of NSYNC having a psychotic break next to a Christian movie produced by Mike Lindell They just worked it the fuck in they were like, yeah dad. He's in the movie now. There we go. Yep I think he's actually in a psychosexual fugue state Joey. Yeah. Oh, yeah, it's possible And Eli how bad was this movie? And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love the moment when a YouTuber opens their only fans page, but you wish it was less self-aware and a little more sad, you will love this movie. Yeah. So this is this movie is like written and starring some jackass hack Christian comedian, right?

And it's one of those movies where it's like, it's surprisingly well-lit and the cinematography's basically competent and the sound is basically competent and you're just blown away by the fact that it's still this bad, right? You know what this is? This is the Christian movie version of when I tell people I'm a podcaster and they're like, oh, for a living.

And I'm like, yeah, for a living. Like the fact that this movie got made is the surprise other people feel when I say I survived via podcast. Right. Right. Like when he tells people that like, yeah, no, no, they're making my movie. Yeah. Yeah. Your movie. Because I read that. All right. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah, I mean, I already mentioned Mike Lindell and Joey Fatone, so I'm going to go with Steven

Baldwin, best worst. Yeah. Fucking Baldwin and another one is in it for a second too, but Steven Baldwin, I hate this guy so fucking much. He lives in my hometown, like 10 minutes from the house where I grew up. Oh, does he? Yeah. Oh, he's your Justice Alito. The way that I struggle with Justice Alito.

He sure the fuck is. I've actually like almost got arrested for some, never mind. But yeah, really close. And he owes my hometown so much fucking money. He like went bankrupt or he defaulted on his house. He owes like millions of dollars in taxes. Oh really? Also he started a ministry based on extreme sports. Yes, he fucking did. It's called Assault Tours but like salts because like past the salt is some bullshit religion thing. I don't know it's spelled wrong. He did that. This is about don't do that, but they got him to be in it Yep, and assault tours is in the movie. It's in the opening where they're doing the bike Actually assault that's his ministry. Yeah, right. Yes. Yeah, not aware that he's the fucking bad guy in the movie

Neither is everybody else in the movie one other detail about Stephen Baldwin. I have to mention he has H M as a tattoo on his shoulder for Hannah Montana. For Hannah Montana. That's a real thing. Yep. And really, he did that because he talked with Miley Cyrus and he was like, I want to be on your show, Hannah Montana. She was like, okay, if you get a tattoo of me, I'll let you do it. So he did.

And then she was like, yes, still no, go fuck yourself. That's the best. I'll let you do it. So he did and then she was like, yes still no go fuck yourself So true story of when I first saw Stephen Baldwin in this movie when he first appeared I wrote down Oh Stephen Baldwin is obviously the asshole rival character And then I just realized that Stephen Baldwin just exudes asshole so much that that's not it at all actually No, it is not what he was going for. He's just such an asshole. He might be the Christ character of this movie. Yeah, exactly. Here's the thing, this is my theory, okay?

So there is a trope in movies that is called something like Magical Black Person, right? I think that character was written as a magical black person and they were doing the table read and Stephen Baldwin was like, I can be that part. And they were like, oh no, it's um, it's a trope. And he was like, I'm a black person. And they were like, don't start talking. Don't start talking, please. No. All right, Stephen Baldwin, you can do it. Yikes. All right. So I was going to go with best worst popping your own balloon.

Right. Okay. So this movie constantly creates moments of tension and then immediately undercuts them immediately says, no, not actually that is not tension. There's no tension in this movie still. Don't worry. Don't worry with grandma. It's insane.

This movie refuses to have a plot at any given moment. So much so that it introduces a subplot to the film for no reason, but then defeats it in that scene. Yes. Right. Like it doesn't want to bother you. It might as well like kick its feet into the carpet and gently back out of the room with its various plots. The movie eats itself like an ouroboros of plots. Right. It's so bad. Yes.

And of course, I'm going to take the easy one. I'm going to go with best worst running from a problem of your own creation. Because look, this movie is about the fact that you cannot sell Christianity with the gospel. And a reminder, the gospel is when you die, if you believed in Jesus, you get to go to heaven and sit by the right hand of God forever and ever. And that is such unimaginably, unconvincingly true horse shit that everyone rides on extreme

bicycles and dresses up like the penguin and has a Batman version of the gospel. And this movie talks about that without ever once pointing out that the state of the universe as they believe it is not interesting enough to hold the attention of 13 year olds whose parents are already that religion. Right. Yeah, it's funny because this movie is self aware but it doesn't seem to be aware of how self aware it is. It rides a fine line and falls the fuck off. Well, we've got a lot of other people's work drama to talk about.

So we're going to take a minute for ourselves before we do that. But we'll be back in a minute with all the nearly plotless ramblings that are church people. Yeah. The breaks this week are going to be self-care breaks for us. Right, yes. Union mandated. I'm going to need an entire spa day before we come back and do the rest of this. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online designed to be convenient, flexible and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. Find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash awful today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash awful. BetterHelp, because social anxiety doesn't have to mean being anti-social. Okay, okay, everyone. Look, I know there's been some confusion. Craig was told that he

would get to make a wacky comedy about a pastor learning that the gospel is enough. Promised. I was promised that y'all. Yeah. But, and Alan was told he would get to make a heartwarming movie about a guy reuniting with the daughter he gave way for adoption. Thank you. Yes. And Joey Joey Fatone is here. Thank you. Cause yeah, cause you were a singer, Joey. Yes. A good singer.

So look, uh, why don't we just sort of squoosh all of this into one movie? Um, but won't that be like indecipherable nonsense at that point? Yeah. With like wild shifts in tone. I, I mean, yeah, it was always going to be a Christian movie. Right. Yeah, that's fair. Okay.

Sure. I agree. Joey shut the fuck up. Don't yell at Joey for tone. Fine. I'm last. I'm sorry. Last warning.

Okay. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to open up on a logo that, well, not the least expensive we've ever seen is so bereft of creativity that it still manages to be the cheapest. Right? Yeah. How excited were you guys when you saw Mike Lindell present? Yeah, right. So this is a get ahead.

We're doing this right after we did the Stravinsky and the mysterious house. And right after that, it's really hard for me to get fired up about another one, because I was like, whatever it I see, it's going to be a big letdown after that insanity. And then I saw Mike Lindell presents and I'm like, you know what? Never mind. I'm actually in now. And then the next thing on the screen is Joey Fatone, and I was like what the fuck is happening Yeah, and then Donald Faison, and I was like okay What do Joey Fatone, Donald Faison and Mike Lindell have in common? There's an answer now

It's this yeah this movie that I'm about to watch a very weird free weekend. Yeah so and A very weird free weekend. Yeah. So. And two Baldwin's. Yeah. Crazy. Yeah. So we get our credits over a bunch of people who are going into, I guess, a church or a theater to see this, like this youth pastor who's on a youth pasting tour that all the cool kids are going to now.

Right. And Noah sort of teased this in the opening, but I do have to point this out. The guy who made this movie and is the star of the movie does this. So it's a very strange plot for a movie, right? It would be like if Joey Fatone was in a movie about a washed-up boy band member who would take any part in any movie he was offered.

He doesn't get the thing, who wrote this movie and why did he agree to be it? Because he can't have written it because then he went right back on the road and was like more of this I guess. So I'm very confused. I'm very confused by who was self aware of whomst in this particular arrangement. To be clear, Joey Fatone is in the movie you just described. It's this movie that we're about to talk about. Yeah, it is. Yep, yep, exactly.

Right, like the bizarre level of self-awareness in this movie just baffled me. I don't know, they could be on like level seven of, like I don't know which they're on, but it's dumb and bad. Right. And they're not aware, but it's a lot of levels. Did senior pets make this movie?

He has to tell us. So yeah, but we going to meet our character, our main character. This is Guy Sides is the name they went with. Come on. Guy Sides. Guy Sides. He comes out and he introduces DJ Jazzy Carl. And I was like, is this a prank? What is happening? Guy? It's just a line name. That's like what's your name guy? Man Yeah, and then this is very important he comes out to like, you know youth passed at us Everybody's very excited and somebody throws him a beach ball and he signs it and throws it back out

This is very important to the plot. Yeah, I mean honestly as important as anything else in the movie. Sure Yeah, right. So then we cut to like he's done. He's walking off stage and his agent is there This is Donald's phase on right? So man, I watch her three episodes of scrubs. I stopped it here I was like I'm I watched three episodes of Scrubs. I stopped it here. I was like, I'm watching Scrubs, absolutely. What's so clear in Donald's performance in this is that he was instructed just do Turk from Scrubs, but Donald Faison liked Zach Braff

and he obviously doesn't want anyone in this movie within five feet of him So he's doing all the catchphrases but things that would end with like high fives or hugs or touches He's in like a dance bubble of my contract was explicit. No one gets within six feet of me But there's this great conversation where basically like Donald Faison's going like hey Yeah, we're making a lot of money with this tour. And the main character, Guy Sides, is like, yes, but it's really about reaching people's souls with the gospel of Jesus Christ. And that's what I'm really here for. Right. Which is hilarious because then we find out that

they're like 18 inches away from the people waiting to buy merch while they're having this conversation. I would like to start doing this. We occasionally go out and do meet and greets after live shows. I would like us to have a full volume conversation about our audiences before we step over without acknowledging it.

Yeah, right, right. So yeah, and I do want to point out that our lines to get pictures after the shows are generally longer than these fictional lines that Thor wrote for himself. Yeah, well, we hire a lot more extras than they did because they hired three. They got fucking nine extras, but they zoom out way too much. So you see an entirely empty room except for nine extras being like, it's on it, it's on

it. There's only nine of us though. Sign mine again. No, don't say that. We can see you circling back into the line. It's on it. It's on it. There's only nine of us though So mine again, no, don't say that We can see circling back into the line. You're all right. I'm wearing a mustache So yeah, but we follow him along on his tour right where he he's in Dallas he's in Memphis he's in Kansas City There's the last one was New York City and I like bullshit just no shit sure didn't you sure didn't man?

last one was New York City and I'm like, bullshit, just bullshit. Sure didn't. You sure didn't, man. You sure didn't. Also, this is very important, everybody. This is going to really matter the plot. So we got to tease it here. Before he goes out on stage every night, he asks God to bless Mabel. Yes. He's like, yes, God, I can't do it without you. Look over me, make this a great show and may your blessings be upon Mabel or whatever crazy fucking shit they say at their prayers. Will that matter to the movie? Do we even get to Mabel?

I mean, yeah, we get Mabel, but yeah, we get, we get to it. We get pretty Mabeled. I didn't really watch. Okay. You let me know. Don't ask questions. So yeah, but so his money grubbing agent, who is the only African American character in the entire goddamn movie, right?

Besides Stephen Baldwin, yes. His money grubbing agent is like, hey, man, that beach ball thing that you did at the one live shows is really gotten big. You should be the beach ball guy. We should really lean into that and sell beach balls as merchants. He's like, I don't want a bunch of gimmicks. I just want to, you know, preach the gospel. And Donald Faisal is like, yeah, but that's that we're not going to make any money

off of that, though. So that's fuck that man. That sucks. That's a terrible idea. And to be clear, podcast listener, I know what you're thinking. Oh, man, I must have done that thing where I accidentally hit the back 30 seconds button. I thought that's the conversation they had in the last scene. It is. It is. They're just having it again now here in this moment in this scene.

Oh, this movie was tried so hard to make the word count. There are entire plot lines that were clearly added to make the word count, right? Yeah. By the way, if you want to look up this actor, he's actually not an actor, he's a Christian comedian. Hell yeah he is. His name's Thor comedian. Hell yeah, he is names Thor Ramsey no the fuck it isn't according to his own personal site. He is the nationally known Comedian oh well or Ramsey yeah case I Put a picture in there for you Eli. Okay. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, it is. It is truly a like hostile work

environment situation that he has put this in our notes. Listener, by the way, he has several specials in case you're wondering. They're called Thou Shalt Laugh, one, two, and three, and How I Met My Father. Cool. Oh, interesting. Get it? Because it's Jesus. Because God is his father. Also, yeah, his soul patch is a big OSHA violation, I would say. Like, I apologize for the safety thing. Oh, for sure. Yeah. So not only does he have the soul patch, but he's wearing these like rounded, ever so slightly purple tinted glasses.

It's just it's just too fucking much. Yeah, that's definitely his author photo. He was like, and you know, there are there are times where I'm serious, where my walk wasn't as easy Name an author that's not your name So we cut to him he's like he's signing merch and stuff after the after one of his shows and somebody has a beach ball. He's like, hey, could you sign my beach ball?

And he's like, why are we talking about this instead of Jesus dying on the cross? And the guy's like, because I've heard of fucking Jesus dying on the cross, man. It's so good. He defeats the entire fucking thing. He's like, shouldn't we be focusing on the gospel? And the guy's like, I'm already a Christian. And he's like, oh right, that's why we make it entertaining because we are all bought in, but we want you to attend

and give us 10% of your income. Right, yes. There aren't 89 more minutes of movie, are there? Cause that would be embarrassing. Could you imagine if we're sitting there, standing there on our merch table and just stop the line dead to be like, let me convince you that God doesn't exist.

Come on. What the fuck are you even doing? Just sign my beach ball, you piece of shit. I don't believe in God. It's fine. Let's go. There's nine people in this line. So yeah, so, so then we cut to his boss.

This is past. We're going to meet Pastor Skip, who's the cool mega church pastor that he works for. And he's going to tell pastor skip about the central conflict in the movie, right? In case we haven't picked up on it being like entirely spelled out in the three previous scenes. Yeah. Also, just for anyone who's following along, because I was very confused until like four seconds before the end of the movie. Pastor skip is supposed to be a bad guy, but like a bad guy, bad guy, not just confused or misguided.

He's supposed to be the villain of the film, which I don't understand until he does something way villainous towards the end, because in the beginning, he's just a guy who rides around on scooters and wears a tie-dye t-shirt. Right. Yeah, exactly. He's just a better pastor than other pastors who made this movie jealously about pastors who do well and get attention. For sure. Yeah, right. Exactly. He's supposed to represent the megachurch pastor that sold out to...

But not that much, right? Because he's still supposed to be motivated by his love for Jesus. Again, the movie is self-aware, but it's not self-aware enough to actually say what the problem is, right? Also, the movie is self-aware, but it's not self-aware enough to actually say what the problem is, right? Also, and this is worth pointing out, this isn't what a pastor who is sold out is like, right? Fucking Joel Osteen and the guy who thinks airplanes are tubes full of demons, right? They're all in suits and they're all prosperity ministers, right?

There aren't a bunch of like hip, jazzy, cool pastors corrupting the gospel. There are a bunch of fucking monetary vampires convincing your grandma to give her their life savings. This movie is attacking a straw man that barely exists and when it does, it's a slightly less harmful version of their actual villains. Right. Yeah, exactly. Well, that's the thing is that they're not, they're never attacking the actual villainous shit that he does, right? Like dedicate this gigantic building to making money instead of helping people and shit like that. None of that because they're not against

any of that, right? They're in favor of stodgy bastards like Joel Osteen and Kenneth Copeland instead of, you know, hip, cool pastors who try to make the Bible interesting. But basically, Guy is saying, Pastor Skip, I don't want to do this anymore. I want to just return to the simple days of just preaching the gospel, and the pastor skip is too busy trying to decide what superhero outfit to go on stage for for this sermon to pay attention to it. Boss pastor's like you can't quit there would be fucking consequences. I really thought I could name a consequence of a pastor quitting their job.

I did in my movie. I know. Fuck. Also, I just want to throw this out there that this will be the first of truly dozens of scenes where Guy quits his job, leaves his job, resigns, lets go. And I point that out because the end of the movie is going to try and make that a moment of tension. But just a reminder, here in the very first scene between Guy's sides and Pastor pastor skip he tries to quit his job. Yes

Okay question for you guys How long was this scene was it like all because I feel like I wasn't paying I couldn't not look at the Mike Lindell Bobblehead for I'm gonna get like very distracted in 20 minutes I was just staring at a Mike Lindell bobblehead then I found one online and I bought it. And then I was like, oh, I'm going to spend the next several years bothering MyPillow about returns and refunds constantly. This is going to be their nightmare. Every day I'm going to do this. They had to sell all their phones.

They don't take calls anymore. Yeah, right, right. So yeah, speaking of which, right, this is the moment where he's like, what you need is a good nap. And I shit you not he takes Out of my pillow from the my pillow box and he says try a my pillow It'll be the most comfortable nap you've ever taken come on. I'm looking at the it's visibly uncomfortable He takes it out and I was like I heard neck would be in a 60 degree angle

Yeah, that would be such an uncomfortable, lumpy ass fucking pillow. It looks like someone like laid their hat on a down comforter in some sort of apocalypse scenario and was like, if I ever make it out of this, I'm gonna make a pillow that's just like this. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. But so yeah, but guys, as I quit, he goes to Stormout and he's on his way out Everybody's like oh we need you to sign these beach balls And he stabs him with a pen because he's so sick and tired of the beach balls I love that he failed at stabbing one of the beach balls He did He kept it

So good There were no takes there were no takes where he successfully popped all the beach balls think about that It was like a proud boy trying to rip the sign. It was so good. Yes! So he storms past them and this is where he runs into Steven Baldwin dressed as fucking Orville Redenbacher at a disco.

Yeah, no, what I think happened is they were like pitching this character to Donald Faison and he was like, if you try and dress me that way, I'm going to flush your head down the toilet. And they were like, no, no, no, this is for Stephen Baldwin's character. Yeah. Right. So, but, but Stephen Baldwin is going to be as, as Heath already alluded to the Christ character in this film, right? He's just going to magically show up with wisdom now and again, starting here, right? He's just gonna magically show up with wisdom now and again, starting here, right? Guy's about to leave and he's like,

well, you know, the children will sure be disappointed to lose their youth pastor. And he's like, you're right. And he turns around to be a youth pastor anyway. Yeah, at one point he turns to Chad and he goes, Chad, why are you here? And I wanted him so badly to be like, well, Alec really carried us with him in

the late eighties and I'm just kind of running on that steam. You know what I'm saying? Oh no, that wasn't the question. Oh no, why are you in the movie? Oh, actually, I owe a bunch of money to Heath's hometown. Alec really carried us with him. So, yeah, and then the pastor comes out on the segue because he's wacky. He does wacky stuff. And then we get this drone shot of this insanely big church, right? This insanely big, wow,

how many homeless people could fit in here church. Yeah. And we see like, I guess the services starting Chad, Stephen Baldwin's character is greeting people at the door. We cut into the church. There's bicycle tricks. There's people doing BMX backflips behind the pastor. Right? And that's special thanks to Salt. Yeah, to a Salt tour.

This is supposed to be bad. The movie's saying it's bad. And they're like, Stephen, I heard you have like a perfect evil thing for us to do. He's like, yeah, I got you. I started that company. Wait, wait, we can't suggest that. He'll be insulted that we use him as the bad example. I promise you, Steven Baldwin does not have the thought. He's three feet away from us right now.

He's just nodding. Buddy, you counting your thumbs again? Almost got him. You sure do, bud. You sure do. We're going to use your bike, guys, that you named Assault. Yes. So yeah, so and then the pastor, I guess he's he's going to get a tattoo live on stage. He said, if we buy I said, if we broke attendance records, I would get a tattoo live on stage.

So he's going to do that. Right. More. He's a bad pastor, I guess. So and we're going to contrast this with a quick shot of guy being a youth pastor and being much more down to earth and grounded in the gospels and everything. And I only really bring that scene up because that's where we meet Blaze, who's going to pay one of the kids, one of his kids in youth group. Oh, man, this poor young man. And I mean the actor. I mean this actor, right? Because he

was obviously the most gifted kid in his Christian school drama club. And they were like, you're going to be in a movie with Thor fucking whatever his last name is. And he called it. Oh, my God. I'm going to Hollywood. The nationally known Christian comedian Thor Ramsey. I'm going to bring my beach ball collection. It's going to be the best. So, yeah. So but then we get Guy and Pastor Skip. They're leaving the church at the end of a long day the best. Yeah. So, so yeah. So, but then we get Guy and Pastor Skip, they're leaving the church at the end of a long day of work. Right.

And this is where we shoehorn in the fact that Pastor Skip's missionary daughter is gonna come home from Moldova and is single now. Huh? Huh? Perhaps there will be a love interest. And, and Guy is even like, I don't know if I really need a love interest this early in love interest. And Guy is even like, I don't know if I really need a love interest this early in the movie.

And Skip says, no, that's okay. I was actually thinking of hooking her up with Tino. And this is where we're going to meet Joey Fatone's character, right? The humorously arrogant singer in the church band. Okay. Let's just talk about it. Let's talk about a couple things. Let's be brave. Tread. Hold my hands. Carefully. Hold my hands. Okay. Let's just talk about it. Let's talk about a couple things. Let's be brave. Hold my hands. Hold my hands. Everyone hold my hands. I am a giant Insync fan. Be careful. I know you are. I know you are. Here's what I would say. As a large bodied man, if My name very easily became Joey Fat One.

I would be very concerned with my physical health and would take care. I think he has like something titled Joey Fat One. He does? Okay. Well, there you go. See, he knows. He knows. Yeah.

Oh, he certainly knows. Item two on the schedule that we need to discuss is the bit that they have Joey Fatone do as he sings sings right? But they just do that same bit Like nine times in the movie. It never does anything but possible bit. Yeah, it's so fucking bad Yeah, by the way, Joey Fatone doing a tour with AJ from Backstreet Boys getting it all mixed up, right? I feel like you already had that window open. I feel boys getting it all mixed up, right? I feel like you already had that window open. I feel like you already have it.

I feel like that's a Google alert situation and has nothing to do with our jobs right now. This is important. Apropos of something, it's important. It's important. Link in the show notes. So we meet him briefly. We realize he's going to be what we get instead of comic relief for this film. And then we go to Guy's office. He's sitting there. He's just hating life.

When suddenly that kid blaze stops by to ask if he's allowed to fuck mannequins. This scene rules. Who snuck this scene into this movie? Cause I would have written this scene. Like this scene, word for word, beat for beat. I probably would have said the word come, but other than that, this scene rules because it's just him being like, well, you know, none of us are perfect. And him being like, yeah, yeah, sure.

I want to rub their wooden hands on either side of my cock until I come on their perfectly still faces. Use your religion to dissuade me from doing that. And he's like, ah, tough one. That is a tough one. Well, and they accidentally point out one of the dangerous things about their stupid fucking religion, right? Because the kids like, you know, I was trying to stop looking at real women and then suddenly I saw these sexy fake women and I'm like, yeah, man, that's

what happens when you start doing this bullshit purity culture, right? Yes. I actually wrote in my notes. This is the kind of conversation that only an abstinence at only education can give us. Right, yes, exactly. And guys trying to talk to him about it, but there's this weird, like, he's trying to do like uncomfortable talking to kid about sex thing, but like, you're the youth pastor

and you're trying to talk about puberty. You should probably be able to do that, right? That's like one of the few qualifications to have your stupid non-job, right? But as they're having this conversation, Carla, the pastor's daughter comes in. Now, we don't, sorry, I was gonna say, we don't know it's the pastor's daughter.

We know, but Guy apparently doesn't realize that this is the pastor's daughter, right? Okay, I'm gonna be honest with you guys This actress is so much younger than this actor that the twist worked on me Like I actually had a moment where I was like, oh, it's the dog cuz I couldn't fathom that this person who is 20 years younger at least yeah, I would say that fair, right? She's probably in her 30s. She's 25, he's like 60. Yeah, right, yeah.

So yeah, 20 something years younger comes in and yeah, I can see you going like, well that couldn't possibly be the love interest, that must be his daughter. I thought it was the daughter, okay, thank you. Yeah, yeah, no, we'll get there. This will happen again with a girl who's practically the same age. So just, you know, we'll get there. This will happen again with a girl who's practically the same age So just you know, a little teaser there, but they're supposed to be having this

You know that they're supposed to have an awkward meet cute, but this guy is a terrible writer So he's basically throwing his own poop by accident Okay. So again, here's the comedy bit He pitched and then we'll talk about the's the comedy bit he pitched, and then we'll talk about the execution. The comedy bit he pitched is she signs up to be a volunteer, but he wouldn't be allowed to date her, so he doesn't accept her application. But instead she's just like, I'm here to be a volunteer, and he's like, fuck you.

No. Wait, no. Yes. Ha ha ha ha ha. I'm sorry. At one point, Blaze pops into frame and goes, I hate this scene, and I was like, hey. Yes. Hey, stay on your side of the point, Blaze pops into frame and goes, I hate this scene. And I was like, hey, hey, stay on your side of the screen, Blaze.

Right. No, he's like, he keeps having these lines that are again supposed to be the movie being self-aware, but they're just too self-aware. He's like, this scene is weird and poorly written. You guys are being weird and I'm fucking a mannequin right next to you. Right now. You're being weird. Right now.

I have a mannequin hand inside my pants, cupping my balls at all times. Way less problematic than you. Stop me. Right now. Right, right. Try to stop me. You can't. So yeah, so but yeah, there's this bit where like she's filling out a form to be a volunteer

and he realizes he can't date her if she's a volunteer, so he throws her form away. While she's filling it out, he just pulls it away and crumbles it up and throws it away. Yeah, the movie, we don't have her name yet because they didn't write her having a name yet. And then he physically fails the Bechdel test again by like crumpling up paper and throwing it away. It takes forever. Yeah. So she leaves, apparently finding this quite charming, and then Blaze grabs the paper out of the trash and we find out that she's the pastor's daughter, Carla. Yeah. Yeah.

So, okay. So then we cut to Tino and the band practicing. This is the scene where Pastor Skip's gonna introduce Joey Fatone to his daughter, like sexily. Yeah. And again, like it sucks because they just have him do this scene over and over again. So in this scene, he's like, oh, it's my daughter. And he's like, oh, boy, boy, boy band singing. And she's like, ew, fucking gross. And he's like, all right, I'll see

you at the next scene. Yeah, I'm going to do this again over and over again for the rest of the fucking movie. Fuck you. I was in sync. I fuck people so much hotter than you. What? Nothing. Nothing. Yeah. But she's not interested in him. I wrote in my notes at this point. The ads are such a welcome relief in this film.

Yes. Baby's a freebie on Prime. Yeah. Yeah. Every time an ad break came up, I was like, oh, this was three and a half minutes. Nice. I longed for them. Because freebie is also it's like 97 ads in each break. Yeah. I was like, Oh, this was three and a half minutes. Nice. I longed for them because preview is also it's like 97 ads in each break. Yeah. I was like, Oh, good. I'm going to get a soda and take three shits.

Yeah, right. So. So then we get once again, them accidentally highlighting how embarrassingly large this church is. We get this scene where I guess Pastor Skip is taking his golf cart out into the parking lot to wherever Carlos parked because the fucking place is too big to walk through the parking lot of. And they're having a conversation about why it is that she doesn't want to fuck Joey Fattell. And the conversation, I just to point this out, takes a weird right turn into I feel abandoned by you because you spent so much time being a pastor rather than being my dad. And he's like, yeah, movies not about that. And she's like, yeah, no fair.

The movie's not about that. And they never talk about it again. Yeah. This is the first popping of their own balloon. She's like, well, you know, I felt like as a child, you ignored me for this church. And he's like, but I didn't though. And she's like, that's a great point. I hadn't thought about it like that. And that's it. That's it. Balloon popped. So and then he's like he drops her off at her car and he's like, will you at least consider fucking Joey Fatone? And she's like, do you have like a like a romantic interest in him that you're not allowed to pursue because your worldview doesn't allow you to express your true

desires? He's like, no, I can we go to a break? Can Noah call for a break? I don't know. Did he win over our hearts with bye bye bye? I don't even know. I'm a 98 degrees guy. I don't even know what to mean. This poster is ironic. It's on your ceiling. Why are mannequin hands hanging from it? Doesn't matter. I had extras. The wall was full.

All right. I do you guys think, wait, no, this is important. Don't cut to commercial. Do you guys think it's weird to jerk yourself off with mannequin hands? Because I did a bit about it. All right. Well, the closest thing we have to stakes is who's going to fuck Joey at this point. It's going to, it's, we're not going to get a hell of a lot better than that.

So we've heard another consideration. It's a little back up here. It's just he can't he can't cost to the commercial. Well, we'll be back in a minute. I can cut whatever I want. I'm doing the other weekend. We'll be back in a minute with even more. What about the feet? Church people.

Hey, Noah, what's up with the spear, scuba suit, and hang glider? I'm canceling subscriptions, Lucinda. And here I am, feeling like my question is still unanswered. Well then clearly you haven't canceled subscriptions in a while. These companies make it nearly impossible to figure out how to stop giving them money. The last time I had to cancel a streaming service, I had to descend into a dark cave, solve three riddles, and swap out an idol with a similarly weighted bag of sand. I feel like you're exaggerating.

And that's not even to mention the Balrog on the way out. But Noah, if you want to cancel your unwanted subscriptions, why don't you just use Rocket Money? What's... Rocket Money? Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so that you can grow your savings. RocketMoney gives you full control over your subscriptions and a clear view of your expenses. You can see all of your subscriptions in one place and if you see something you don't

want or forgot you even signed up for, RocketMoney can help you cancel it with a few taps. They'll even try to negotiate to lower your bills for you by up to 20%. All you have to do is submit a picture of your bill and RocketMoney a few taps. They'll even try to negotiate to lower your bills for you by up to 20%. All you have to do is submit a picture of your bill and Rocket Money takes care of the rest. They'll deal with the customer service for you. So I won't need my spear? I hope you don't need it one way or the other. Well, how do you break through customer services phalanx?

I use Rocket Money. Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of $500 million in cancelled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all of the app's features. Alright Lucinda, I'm sold. How do I sign up? Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash awful movies. That's rocketmoney.com slash awful movies. That's rocketmoney.com slash awful movies. Rocketmoney.com slash awful movies. Okay, so they fire the rocket into the phalanx?

There is no actual rocket, Noah. Oh. From the makers of Church People and way more movies than they'd like to admit. Wow, a brand new church building! It's huge! of church people and way more movies than they'd like to admit. Wow. A brand new church building. It's huge. Comes a movie with just a little too much self-awareness. I mean, you could house hundreds of people in here, even as a kitchen,

but we're using it to pray. Right. This summer. Oops. We're the bad guys. It's probably fine. Yeah, it's fine. A lot of space.

A lot of space, right? So much space. Space. And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with Guy showing up for a meeting with Pastor Skip. So we didn't mention this earlier because everything in this movie is boring and why bring up anything. But earlier he was trying to think of a big gimmick for his Easter sermon and

he's finally come up with a great idea. Right. Skip comes into the office and he's like, Skip, we're going to have ourselves a crucifixion. Yeah. A real one. Yeah. Well, yeah.

And, and Guy has to go like, oh, you mean a passion play, right? Because it's so hard to think of an idea that's too over the top for Christianity that they have to explain that. No, no, no. This is like a more over the top version of the thing that we already do that's so goddamn over the top and ridiculous. And then and then he's like, what you mean? Like they do in Mexico and the Philippines because it's literally impossible to think of an idea that's too over the top for all of Christianity. Right. Apparently.

That's so funny. What's so funny about it too is that they have to be like, yeah, I mean, God probably doesn't like that. It's like, really? I heard that people in Mexico and the Philippines are actually like way more devout. No, no. Yeah.

No. It's like a really important scene in the Bible. Like they make a big deal out of that. No, no, God wouldn't like it. Right. But I want to do it anyways. So yeah, Guy is like, no, that would be a mockery of the gospel. And Skip's like, it's an homage.

And I'm like, neither of you are correct, but sure. Okay. I have a question about this scene because in the middle of this scene, they're like having this scene, it's boring. Oh, you should do it. No, I don't want to. He stops for a water break and the music goes,

BAM-CHAK-A-BAM-BAM, BAKA-BAKA-BAM-BAM. Yeah, because they're like, he's going to fuck the water bottle when he gets over there. And then they continue the scene and it's never acknowledged or comes back in any way. I don't necessarily need you guys to tell me why it happened. I just need to know you saw it too You need to validate that it did happen I was thinking that the water was gonna be held by a mannequin somehow and it would turn into a sexual situation based on the music Sure, yeah, but now yeah

But that's the key is that they're trying to talk Gaia into being the one who's crucified Right because the pastor had the idea to crucify some other dude. And like, look, it would have been really easy for them to have him say, like, I can't do it because of my heart condition or whatever or something like that. But they never do. So he's just like, I want I don't want because I would hurt. I don't want to do it. But Guy is like, no, I don't I don't want all these gimmicks.

I think the gospel is enough. And I wrote my notes. Well, clearly it isn't because all the unsuccessful churches had that to write. Right. The reason your church is giant and successful is because of the shenanigans. You know, it's fine. It's fine. Right. Yeah. So, yeah. But so Guy leaves. They're all mad that they wanted him to be crucified because nobody else will take the job. On his way out, he runs into Carla, who is also against the crucifixion idea

and will be his sidekick now for the rest of the movie. For reasons that we don't establish in complete opposition to the first scene they had to write. Right. The first scene was like, I don't know if these two can get along. And they're like, never mind. We get along. We get along and we're fine. We're basically romantic interests for the rest of the movie, because we agree on

this one point. Yes. Yeah, exactly. Again, way to puncture your own fucking balloon. All of that work that's clumsy ass work you did to try to drive a wedge between them is just completely undone. Apparently off screen or with a wink or something at this point. Yeah. So, but apparently she's going to go help him do youth pastor shit, right? They go out to the van, all the kids are out there and they're

going to go like minister to people at the homeless shelter. Yeah. We don't actually get that scene because this movie could only use this mega church in this van. Yeah. Right. Right. And they don't actually do any of that fucking helping the homeless people shit. They were shooting. They didn't not going to get any footage of that. Well, right. And that don't actually do any of that fucking help in the homeless people shit. They were shooting. They didn't not going to get any footage of that. Well, right. And that's the thing, too, is that like that's the movie accidentally underscoring the opposite of the point they're trying to make, which is that like obviously we as an audience don't give a shit about the actual

Jesusy shit. It's the gimmicky stuff around that that we're here for. Right. OK, so I want to talk about the almost kiss moment in this scene, right? So she is telling him that when she was in his youth group, awesome, that he had a really big influence on her and that was why she went to Moldova to be a minister. And then he leans in to kind of sort of kiss her, but then chickens out at the last second. Right. Which is emphasized to us because the other characters, the children in the van, go,

Oh man, that was your chance to kiss her! Yes. Why? Why was her talking about her experience as a missionary in Moldova, this 40-year-old, this man who is 20 years older than her is chance to kiss her. Right. Yes, exactly.

Other than the fact that like you're obviously the male lead and I'm obviously the female lead. There is no reason. There's all the reason in the world for him not to since he was he was her fucking youth pastor. She's talking about her experience as a mission. Is that a hot moment for Chris? Yeah, oh tell me about all the baby. Oh, yeah, I feel like you're joking, but it's definitely that right

Wrong podcast this cast does not know missionary is a fuck word The movie was fully aware that he's like 60 years old and she's 25 and they had to do something here too So they have that exchange where he's like you aged and she's like Touch your toes right now, but you're a fucking Christian comedian first of all go fuck yourself nationally known So you have old neck look at your neck? You can't get a neck lift you can can, but you've chosen not to. Baseball glove with a rash. That's your neck. You look like Joe Biden's elbow. So, so yeah, so they almost have their kiss and then he's just like, oh, but you were engaged to somebody. So fuck you.

And she's like, really? And he's like, yeah, I guess we're blowing that balloon back up after we popped it. She's like, that's so weird. Why would we unpop? Which you could have just rewrote the scene. I think this actress was just like, I'm not kissing him. Yeah, right. Because they never do two things. They sure don't. I'm caught on the neck. I can't even do it. That's what it is. She got stuck in a flap during the first take and the Gobgoblab was like,

hey, that's fucking dangerous. You guys gotta be careful. And they were like, thank you. Globgoglobgolab is an intimacy coordinator these days. Not a lot of people know that. Right, well, yep. So you had to do something after the cursed scene. So yeah, so he's angrily pulling out in the bay.

He's like, let's go to the homeless shelter. I don't want to fight with you anymore. Now up until then, they've been talking about how they're gonna talk Pastor Skip out of doing this crucifixion thing they want to do. Doing a literal crucifixion. That's the plot for the rest of the movie. That is the plot of the movie now.

That is the plot of the film, yes. But he's now angry because she had a fiance in Moldova. Who the fuck even knows? So he pulls out all angrily. How many people in this cast were like, Moldova's not a real knows so he pulls out all angrily how many people in this cast were like It's not a real place cut. Yes Can you imagine come on? So I would I would like to challenge any of them to name which continent right? Okay, you got a one in seven

So okay, I don't think they would name a continent. Yeah I don't know. I was going to say, I feel like Narnia, South Narnia. France. All right. But yeah, so he's angrily pulling out in the van. And damn it, if he doesn't run into Tino's car, that's Joey Fatone's character. He runs into Joey Fatone's car. And of course, it's a Tesla because that character is supposed to be an asshole that we don't like, I guess. The things they have chosen to make unlikable in this movie are baffling to me. It's like, we don't like electric vehicles. Because so far, two of the villains have had a scooter and a Tesla.

I think they're just scared of non-gas powered moving things. I think that's exactly right. But during the conversation that he has with Joey Fittone, after the their little fender bender, somebody brings up insurance and he's like, aha, insurance. I've got an idea on how we can stop the crucifixion. Now we get the insurance guy involved. Right. Yeah. That's the level this plot is stooping to. They're now going to go speak to their insurance representative.

And they... It's not like there's a bit that goes with it, right? Like if we were stuck with... Is there a bit? Is there a bit? Tell me the bit. I'd say the bit is called anti-Semitism, probably. Maybe you've heard of a little bit called, I don't have any mints?

Huh? Oh, I had... Okay, no, no, no. I had forgotten about that. No, there was a bit with the mints. This is good. No, no, no. Give us the intro to this, because this is not that. Oh, I had for- Okay, no, no, I had forgotten about that. No, there was a bit with the mince. This is good. No, no, no, give us the intro to this, because this is all that.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I just wanna- I want everyone to capture it at home, because we like to give credit where credit is due. So he's there, right, and they're talking about the plot, and then he's like, oh wait, I'm all out of mints. Sorry, I know what's gonna happen. Go ahead, go ahead. And then, and then he's like, oh, I'll get you some mints. That's it.

That's the scene. Mr. Mint. What? It's so fucking dumb. If you don't think they're calling back those mints, I'm not going to tell you, but they might. Those mints are the senior pets of this movie. Let me tell you.

Oh, absolutely. So yeah No, but that's how this scene opens He the right we he's sitting there with the insurance guy and the insurance guy goes I am shocked and appalled I've run out of mints and it's like oh see cuz we thought he was shocked and appalled at the Crucifix that's that's what we're settling for in terms of humor got him in this fucking film We also cut to so I guess Carla's job was to talk in film. We also cut to, so I guess Carla's job was to talk Joey Fatone into talking Pastor Skip out of doing the crucifixion too, right? So we cut over from the insurance guy to her trying to initiate that conversation, but she can't because he keeps singing to her.

That's his bit, right? Improvised singing from Joey Fatone. Right. But again, like we cannot possibly emphasize how long these scenes are, right? They're not three beats or five beats. They do it like six or seven times. And again, the interaction is always the same. It's always sweet poor Joey Fatone being like, you are so beautiful. And her being like, fuck fuck you and he's like Right, I don't get it. Yeah. Yeah every time they could have done like 13 beats and I would have been laughing

Right just going to saw where she's tied to a chair and singing there we go. We're finding it This is how we're doing our vows by the way improvised singing yes nice by we he meets me and him by the way I mean me and Joey Fatone and maybe an See if she plays her cards right so Joey Fatone is like did she break and rebuild our hearts in 1997 no I don't think she fucking did I? Hope I got those years right. I have no idea when the music things happen ballpark. Thank you Also, and did that too. You don't know. All right, it's entirely possible. She was the heartbreaker in 19 I don't know what I'm talking about. I

Had to do math for a second So yeah, so but he's like well you can go you can chat with me But we have to you have to help me run this errand And then we cut to them at a romantic restaurant together. That was the errand. He tricked her into a date. Yeah. And to give you an idea how bad they are at writing comedy here, they have an awkward silence. Right.

That's one of the bits. We just watched them not talk for a few minutes. Yeah. I thought I had accidentally paused the movie, but no. Yeah. No. Doesn't work as a joke. Miles Davis of humor right there.

It's the jokes they don't make in this scene. Right, yeah, exactly. But he explains he could have been on Broadway if only he'd learned to tap dance. Or no, I'm sorry, he decided to do Jesus stuff instead. Right, decided to be a podcaster instead. Yeah, exactly. It was really sad. The first line is like, you know, I could have been on Broadway and I was like, wow, this is rough I'm different than this character. I also can name build people up and broke their hearts in 1990. You don't know

and uh wasn't just pleased. Noah, you were introducing another scene. You were doing an important show. If you pick up the pace, Noah, if you don't mind, fuck Jesus. Keep it moving. So, yeah, Keith, we have to fire Noah. So, yeah, so he sings to her and we see that she's texting Guy and she's like, I'm in an

emergency help me get out of this shitty accidental date with Joey Fatone. So and because these fucking filmmakers are too dumb to intertwine the scene of what she's doing and the inner and the scene of what he's doing, we then get a full scene of him doing something followed by him getting that text as though the text was being carried by a fucking pigeon or some shit. Anyway, so this next scene is he's talking to his PR guy, Donald Faison again. They might as well cut to like a server room somewhere and it's just like, and cut to the text happening.

Yeah. But Donald Faison loves the idea of him getting crucified. He thinks that would sell a lot of, you know, books and put some masses in seats in his tours. Right. Yeah. This is also where Donald Faison explains that the church is whacked. And I just wrote in my notes, man, they hired Donald Faison to say this line and he said this line, but no one was happy

about it. I think this movie could secretly be a season of a reality show with Baldwin, Fatone, and Donald Faison in it, but they just don't know it. It's possible. Ooh, we make a- Oh, okay. You remember that show, The Jury, where they hired a bunch of the comedians and the guy thought he was on a real jury, but it was actually a fake jury?

We do that, but it's a terrible Christian film. I like this idea. There you go. That's a great idea. That's good. Don't take- hey, podcast listeners, a terrible Christian film. I like this idea. There you go. That's a great idea actually. That's good. Don't take, hey, podcast listeners, don't take that. I might have to, yeah, I might have to just excise this part from the show, you know.

Thank you. Hold onto this. Great, this is our million dollar idea. Good stuff. Yeah, but so, but the PR guy is telling him, because now he's figured out, guy doesn't want to do it because he just wants to preach the gospel, and Donald Faison's character is like,

well, so what you should do is you should go ahead and get crucified. And that would give you a platform to talk about why doing what you were doing is a bad idea. Spoiler alert, that is how the film is going to end. Right. That is the day new Monday settle on. He's like, that's that's a stupid fucking idea. And he's like, it is a stupid idea. We really shouldn't end our movie with it.

He's like, yeah, definitely wouldn't want to do that he might as well look down and scribble that onto the end of the screenplay also apropos of nothing I didn't just get a Google alert there's a reunion of scrubs that might be happening sometimes so Donald face on that fuck yeah poor guy he needs it God do you see his plastic surgery in the Super Bowl commercial nothing happens in this movie no I. Give this to me. Yeah, I'll do it. I'll do it again. So but then this is where Guy gets the text, right?

That he has to go help Carla get out of her date with Joey Fatone. So we cut back to the date. He's now singing his order to the server, which I only bring up because if Eli ever successfully takes me to a restaurant, I'm totally doing this. I am totally going to sing the order like this. Jokes on you. I will do what I did to my sweet, sweet friend, Matt Cook, the other day and bring you to this diner where they sing after 6 p.m. because he was in the Christian hell. It was the best. By the way, Joey Fatone's line to sing here was,

Carpaccio of beef. And he had no idea what that first noise was. And he sang, Gaspacho with beef. Because it was the closest thing he could name that was a food word. It was mostly goldfish crackers on the insane tour, to be fair. Yeah, so Guy the youth pastor shows up in the middle of their date and literally sits backwards in the chair. Yeah.

Well, he's a youth pastor. He doesn't know how to sit normal. Right. I was wondering if he was ever going to get around to it, but he does it. He does it. If they sit normal, they just slide right out of it. It's just impossible. Shape.

There's a great moment where they're like, what are you doing here? Because of course it makes no sense that he would know where they're having dinner because we saw the text she sent him. And he might as well be like, oh no, it's a soundstage. I'm just I just walked into this thing. There's nothing behind you. Yeah, but he's like, oh, yeah, I need Carla's help to for an emergency thing. And then they leave. So this stupid ass

fucking movie couldn't even come up with a thing that he could pretend was happening. This is how bad this movie is, okay? The ending line is Joy Fatone goes, you know what they say about plans, that's it. That is it. That is the entire joke is I am talking. Yep. What do they say about plans? No, we never find out. We don't get that goal. The best laid plans of my submit. Like there's so many things you couldn't, I guess.

Ooh, a lot of stuff that they say about plans. I bet he does that quote afterwards, yeah. So yeah, so, but now I guess Guy is gonna take her on a date but he's cheap about it, so they're just eating fast food in his car. Right, and this is supposed to be like a because she mentions it nine times in the scene that he wrote for them. She's like oh I like this so much better than a fancy date where you don't get drunk and get in a fight with the valet guy

because he brings you the car that you came in. Yeah no there definitely is a well yeah actually just sitting in your car eating fast food is a very good date. And anybody who complains about that is probably just an asshole. There's a very that vibe to it. Yeah, I was on board for this scene. Sure. So, and of course, they're fucking nuts. So, so he prays over the food before they eat it.

He's like, you know, God bless this food and look over, look after Mabel, in case everybody forgot about that from the beginning. Mabel. Mabel. We will need to fill some time later in the film. So please remember that. Yeah, exactly. Right.

And of course, this is where Carla says, hey, yeah, you was as a youth pastor, you always used to pray for Mabel. Who is Mabel? And he's like, ah, ah, ah, we're not going to reveal that just yet. Not till later in the movie. And the next day, guys in his office, it's time to knock down those pins. We said, you know, that big balloon that we just inflated about Mabel.

We're going to pop that real quick. You know, the Chekhov's gun never goes off into the hand of the person introducing it. This is a smart move. I like that. Right. Yeah. You don't expect it. So yeah, a quote unquote teen girl comes in to see him. This actress cannot be three years younger than Carla. Right? It's so awkward. She might as well be Carla's twin sister. So yeah, but she comes in to see him and he thinks that she's just there for some youth pasting, right?

But she's actually his daughter, Mabel, but her actual name is Gretchen. Yeah, which is confusing and stupid. But wait, wait, wait. Okay. I didn't understand what had happened here. You're saying he named her Mabel, but now her name is Gretchen? Yes. So he knocked the lady up.

I had the assumption that he always thought they would name the child Mabel, but then they gave it away for adoption and the adopted parents changed the name like a rescue dog. Yeah. But yeah, so, but, but what we're establishing here is that he got a chick pregnant while he was in pastor school or whatever. She said they were going to have the kid adopted and he always assumed that she did. He gave his permission to adopt away the kid, but he named her Mabel in his mind and has always prayed for her and thought of her the whole time.

And of all the conflicts in this movie, at no point does the daughter go, really? You didn't want to check on that whole adoption thing and see how it went? You were just like, yeah, no, I guess whatever you want to do your baby, you know what I'm saying? All right, I'm going to go skateboard or whatever the fuck he was doing. Right. I also have to talk about this because this is such a beautiful thing, right? I am sure when this actress who plays Gretchen read the screenplay, she was like, oh, so this is a dad who like doesn doesn't wanna be part of his daughter's life. So I come in angry, and he learns to recognize what he did.

But Guy Sides, this comedian, was like, no, I'm a chill, cool guy. Let's skateboard together. So she is playing one half of a very dramatic scene, and he is trying to calm down a lady yelling at a Starbucks. It is a very odd acting choice combination between the two of them. Well, and once again, this movie cannot help but pop its bubble

the instant that it blows it up, right? Because she's like, you know, hey, you're my father and you were never there for me. I'm like literally have never even met me and shit. And I'm a grown up now. I'm angry at you. And I'm like, OK, well, that's like at least a sensible conflict. But then he's just like, no, no, I thought you were adopted. And she's like, oh, well, that resolves all of those issues for me now.

I completely forgive you. It's insane. She even yells. She's like, maybe if you didn't conceive me out of wedlock, you piece of shit. And she says it all loud. So like the church might be able to hear it, which would be scandalous. And he's like, as if in a different room in a different universe He's like you want to get some coffee. She's like, yeah, I could I could go for some coffee. Yeah, sure. It sounds great Yeah, she's completely fucking over it. So they go for coffee together and this is where they're out having coffee together

That's where she explains that mom never did give her up for adoption just raised her as a single mother and never Told him about it or asked for any child support or anything. So mom like hid a baby for like a year of college and this guy didn't notice is what we're supposed to believe? I think it was like right after he got out of college that she got pregnant or something. But yeah, I do one way or the other, I don't understand how that changes the dynamic so much for her, but it completely does. So they walk awkwardly back to the church. Stephen Baldwin's there to be magical at them, right?

And already know what's going on. He literally just pops in, Hey, just a quick reminder, I'm in the movie. All right. And may or may not be psychic. Yeah, he's like, oh, let me take a picture of you and your daughter. And he's like, oh, are you going to use a phone like a normal human in 2021 when this movie was made?

He's like, no, I have an old timey weird camera that I'm going to use. So he's having to back up to get the picture. When Blaze suddenly runs bodily into God. Well, sort of Blaze clearly was supposed to like, smash into him, kind of, but they did a take and Blaze like, side tackled the shit out of him and everybody got hurt. So they were like, cut, and they had like, three days later, people healed, and then Blaze has to do it again. So he like, runs in hard and then he's just like, ah, gentle, gentle, gentle. Sorry, it's all that experience I have from playing Tony in West Side Story at my Christian

Academy. I was told my performance was sinful and I was expelled for it. Okay. So, yeah, but he's excited. He wants to tell his youth pastor the good news. He's going to be crucified for the Easter service. So, so they're going to torture an enthusiastic child. Right now, the actor playing Blaze, he's probably like 25 as well. We never established it, but we, but this character is supposed to be under 18. We never give him a definite age, but definitely

under 18. Right? Yeah. Definitely supposed to be a teen. Yeah. So the pastor is going to torture a child to up his attendance numbers is now the plot of the movie. I mean, to be fair, that does track to Christianity. It does. It absolutely does. Absolutely does. So, yeah. So guy goes to tell skip off. He's like, you can't do that. And he's like, no, actually, believe it or not, in the parameters of this movie, I can torture a child using a medieval torture technique.

Yeah. And he says, you know, look, I could have been a billionaire CEO if I wanted. I decided to do a church instead. And Guy says, and I quote, I'm not questioning your motives. Man, somebody should really be questioning his motives though. Yeah, and he's like, well, you know, everyone else in the church agrees with me. And he says history is filled with large groups of people who were wrong. And I wrote my notes. I would love to hear which of those groups he is thinking of because I'm

I'm not convinced me and the writers of this movie share those groups of people who were wrong. Okay, but also history is filled with wrong people. Both of these people agree that God did whatever is happening. So like, it's nonsense. It's complete nonsense. Yep. Yep. Once again, you run into that stupid omnipotence problem that Christian movies never seem aware of. They actually end the scene with that. It was like, all right, well, I guess it's my God versus your God. Yeah.

Impasse, cut. So yeah, then we just clumsily cut to him massacring children at laser tag. Hey, Thor, whatever the fuck your name is, if you want to borrow the swoosh so that you can have a more delicate way to get from one scene to the next, we are willing to rent it to you for a very reasonable rate. You don't have to just walk up to another character and go, let's pause the

plot for a second because we already shot the laser tag scene. Yeah. So apparently he's out with the youth group playing laser tag. And this is the scene where Carla is going to meet Gretchen, where the love interest is going to meet the daughter. And they can't help but acknowledge how close they are in age because like when Carla first meets her, she's she's jealous and thinks that Gretchen is dating guy. Yeah. And again, they pop their own balloon instantly, right?

Because this would be the misunderstanding that motivates the third act. But nope, she's like, oh no, I'm his daughter. And she's like, oh, okay, good. I was worried that confusion would lead to a plot. Yes. Would you like to stand back to back because that is often what happens in laser tag scenes?

Yes. They shoot, they laser tag these children so well, they all fall on the ground? Yeah, that's not a thing that, they laser tag these children so well they all fall on the ground? Yeah that's that's not a thing that happens in laser tag. No it's not but I'm certain that most of this cast plays so much laser tag that they own bags and bags of their own laser tag gear and they have people dying in it? They're bullshit. Yeah and then we get them like walking out of the laser tag thing like, and it's like all slow motion and they're all walking side by side, sort of like reservoir dog Z as though to say, see, we know how to shoot the scenes that interesting movies also have. Right. Our cinematographer's dad really guilted him about being gay to do this movie. So it's shot pretty well.

And then, okay, so now we have Joey and Skip, right? They're going to have a hushed conversation about Guy's daughter. Basically, this is Joey Fatone's character introducing the fact he's like, hey, you know, if we ever are looking later in the movie for a way to get Guy out of the leadership position in the church, him having a daughter as an unwed father, that would probably do the trick. And they're like, Oh yeah, no, that would shut him the fuck up. Sorry, has he been quitting for like three quarters of the movie? So that would be an incredibly stupid point of the plot to introduce. I'm speaking and that's our secret that you know now that apparently you didn't before.

Right, yeah, exactly. Because they're going to treat it as though like this is a great secret that he's let out but like he's just introducing people to his daughter. Just left and right from this point on in the movie. Makes no fucking sense. Yeah. So, okay. So now Guy and Carla are going to go talk with Blaze's parents and try to talk them

into stopping him from like being crucified. I think they shot this over Thanksgiving and that's how they got so many bald ones. So yeah, so they go over to the house and like the parents are supposed to be woo hippie bad parents and that's going to be this whole bit. You know, they're they're like parents who let their kids do whatever they want run all over them Oh, that's why his name is it's it's Blaise Pascal is Pascal's wager the family has has all the religions or whatever Oh, right. Uh-huh Wow I I think that he was because of blaze Pascal

But I did I don't think that it had anything to do with their religions But it's way deeper that's way deeper than I was going oh it very clearly had all to do with that religions. But it's way deeper. That's way deeper than I was going. Oh, it very clearly had all to do with that. We're in a fight now. That's ridiculous. All right. Yeah. So like, I don't think anyone thought anything. Maybe peel the onion a little bit when we're doing our analysis.

Just do a little fucking analysis. Fuck dive in. Where's that? You know, those typescript books you can buy that are like the interviews with the famous directors. We need one of those for this film. Yeah, no, I'll write to Thor and see what he had in mind. So yeah, but the parents bring out food and they're like, try this food.

It stimulates brain waves. And I'm like, oh yeah, no, that sounds ridiculous compared to the fucking blood of Christ that you assholes drink. Yes. They brought that out. I was like, okay, crucify the kid. That's fine.

No, I'm just kidding. And again, like the joke here is like You do own your kid, right? Because they're like, well, you can't let him do it and they're like, well, we don't own him and Again, the viewpoint of this movie is like, of course you own him. He's right. You came him into her. Of course you own it You own both of them. That's how owning works Yeah, they're like, you know, no, we, we prefer to let him make his own mistakes and do his own thing. And the movie's like, like a bunch of fucking assholes. And to try to like show, like to show us, no, no, that is a bad thing.

In the background, we see him sticking a knife into a toaster the whole time, but his parents aren't going to tell him not to do that because they let him do his own thing. Right. Cause they're desperately trying to make that into not a positive. Yeah. But they're like, yeah, but no, you can't let him get crucified because that would really hurt. And they're like, isn't your religion all about how getting crucified is awesome? And they're like, only for our guy. Damn it. One guy. It's one. It's just the one one. And he has this big blow up moment, which is supposed to make Carla super wet. We'll talk about it in a second where he's like, you're bad parents.

And I just wrote my notes. My man, you gave away your kid. Like, that's the secondary plot of the movie is that you gave away your kid. Like, at least their kids in their house. What are you doing? Yeah. So so, yeah, he he blows up at him. He's like, you know, you shouldn't let your kids make decisions by themselves Fuck you and Carlos like mmm. Hmm, and she walks out after him Yes, and they have to have a scene where they make this actress be like that was awesome. Yeah. Yeah

So then Carla goes to see her dad to try to talk him out of doing the crucifixion But he's being interviewed by a news crew from, wait a minute, hold on just a second. I want to make sure that all the listeners are sitting down and or pulled over their car because this joke is really going to slay you. It's a news reporter from MSMBC SN span. Ah, is all of them.

Honestly, if the Glab-Glab was in this scene and just they never acknowledged it, this is my favorite movie. Sure. But they're claiming that it that MSNBCSN span or whatever. It's one of those, you know, liberal woke news channels that's hopping up mega churches of Christianity. And they're mad at that. Yeah. What are they even trying to say with that? Yeah. And she's like, well, you know, when you're done with your interview,

I have an important conversation that I want to have with you privately. And he's like, no, talk to us on camera about whatever it is that you don't want to talk to us on camera about. And she's like, OK, I guess I'll do that now. Right. So she tries to talk about it during the crucifixion. He's like, oh, are you sure you're not actually devastated by the revelation of guys illegitimate daughter? And she's like, why did you really are shoehorn in that in, in a way in this scene that makes no sense at all? Is that what your side of the movie is about? No, you don't know. This is what my side of the movie is. Okay. Interesting. There's also

a moment here where like his assistant comes out and she's like, oh, these are all the various types of nails that we're considering for the crucifixion of the kid. Which one do you prefer? Now, I want to point out, like in Mexico and the Philippines, when they do this, they usually just tie the people to the cross. They don't actually put nails to that. Sometimes that's done.

But like, generally speaking, like, you know, this is a different level of crazy here. It's like Daffy Duck. It's only done once. So then, okay. So then we cut to Stephen Baldwin being whistly and magical. I, okay. Look, this movie was super boring. I did not enjoy watching it, but I watched this scene where Stephen Baldwin tries and

fails to whistle like four times in a row because he's very, they were like, Stephen, so you're walking down the hall whistling like this. And he's like, got it. Fluff, fluff, fluff, fluff, fluff. And they're like, I'm sorry, you saying the word fluff, fluff, fluff? Yeah, that's how you whistle. Fluff, fluff, fluff, fluff, fluff.

I named my company assault. He did. Yeah. So yeah, he's whistling his way along or whatever that fucking shit is and Flaud is way along and he opens the supply closet and Carla's in it crying. Right. And she's like, I'm sorry, could you leave me alone? And he's like, sure the fuck can't.

I am not going to do that. Instead, I've got a little speech for you. I've got a little monologue I'd like to give you. He's also collecting arts and crafts supplies throughout the monologue. So I could not pay any attention to the monologue because he's just getting weirder and weirder things from her. He's like, can I have a Dixie cup?

All right. And then that six pound bag of beef jerky. All right. And then that photograph of George Bush senior shooting JFK. Thank you so much. All right. Wonderful. I'll be on my way. Yeah. And look, if he was just trying to get his job done around to this hysterical woman, this scene would be hilarious. But no, he's trying to make a point to her about how even through all the gimmicky weird shit, Jesus light shines through or some shit. Right. And I mean, look, I get it. Most of the time as a church employee, when you find someone crying,

it's because they've been molested by a pastor. So you're used to ignore. You ought to work around it. You know, well, it's they kept calling him like the world's most famous youth pastor throughout the movie. And I was just like, I feel like the world's most famous youth pastor probably got that way by molesting children. I feel like it's the Justin Bieber guy who got his own documentary. Yeah. Right.

So, but yeah, so but I think and correct me if I'm wrong, I think all the art supplies that he was asking for, I think he was making flowers for her out of the art supplies as he was talking to her. Oh, you're right. That is what happened. So I was blinded by my confusion over what he was doing. Because it was so goddamn fucking stupid and weird. Oh, he was setting up his speech about phototropism by making like pipe cleaner flowers.

Yes, right. Because he asked for a cup and pipe cleaners and wrapping paper. And then he hands her these these cheap as this little flower things that he's made at the end of his Little speech also he gets them he gets the meaning of that word wrong to phototropism He he meant positive phototropism, but that you can just move away from light in that word, too Okay, stupid That's where this movie really fell off the fucking rack

All right. Well, I'll tell you what we just had to relive watching that stupid scene So I need another break. But first let me give act three, the hard sell. Will Carla ever exhibit signs of autonomy? Will anyone be criminally prosecuted for trying to torture a child? Is this movie saying Mexicans and Filipinos are bad at Christianity?

Find out the answers to these questions and more. We'll return for these sadly, I'm just talking about the movie Conclusion of Church People. Okay, so Ashley, this is the scene where you and Greg, you have your, you know, your meat cute. Sorry, meat cute? Yeah. You know, like you haven't been home for years, but now you are and he sees you and he's like, wowee zowee.

Exactly. Yeah. Oh, exactly. Yeah. Thanks, Greg. Right. Right. About that. Um, I don't want to give notes, but, uh, is it possible for him to not have been my youth pastor? I mean, I guess we could change the script, but why?

Well, isn't it a little weird that I'm the romantic interest of the movie and the main character met me as a literal child? Why would that be weird? Well, obviously that would mean, like, at best, he was attracted to a child and is now waiting till that child is an adult to act on it. That's at best. Yeah, I mean, yeah. What are you suggesting that just because you met someone as a child, you should never pursue them sexually?

Sexually? Yep. Yes, I am. That is exactly what I'm suggesting. Well, I mean, I met my wife when she was in my youth group and so did Larry. My wife was actually too young to be in my youth group, but her older sister was. So I knew her that way. Okay. Right. Yeah.

Well, uh, I guess let's do the scene then. Great. Hey, I heard your cousin had a baby. Yeah, she did. She did. Any, any pictures? Nope. Nope.

Haven't taken any. Oh, sure. I'm not comfortable with this thing on that bucket. I just didn't even want to say that one. And we're back for still more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with Guy's PR agent showing up to his office to remind us, I guess, that he's in the movie. Because Donald Faison agreed to be in four scenes, damn it, four. Yeah. But he's he's going to drop Guy as a client. He's there to tell him that, you know,

hey, man, you know, you see really against making money, which is kind of my whole whole like, why would you have me if you didn't want to make the most possible money? So I don't want to represent you anymore. Also, I just got to deal with T-Mobile to do some commercials. I'm leaving the movie. Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. I don't owe Heath's hometown money like Stephen Baldwin does. I can stop doing this, but he is going to sign Blaze for a book deal and a tour

for his post crucifixion career. Right. And I just want to point out that even the fact that you're acknowledging that the books of your most prominent speakers are ghostwritten churn sold to people just for the money, that's a real problem that the movie never acknowledges or talks about. Right. Because the implication, of course, is that there are a bunch of Christians out there that would buy the book about the kid who got himself crucified to

up the attendance numbers at the local mega church. Right. If you actually believe in Christianity, you have to agree with the mega church here. You have to really, yes. They're like winning. Right. Yeah. So, okay. So then we get Guy and Gretchen. They're chatting after dinner, I guess She says at this point She's like aren't you a little old to be playing laser tag with kids for a living and as on behalf of two former fucking Miyachi master toy player

You Gretchen you don't fucking know nice games are awesome Gretchen, you don't fucking know. Nice. You don't know. Games are awesome. So... Fucking fucking face. So... Yeah!

I might not have gotten into a Broadway show, but at least my face isn't on a bag of sand. How the turntables have turned! Yeah! We were on Broadway. Yeah. Yeah. How dare you. But it's rough for the Gretchen actor in this scene because she has to laugh at

This piece of shit Thor comedians jokes that he wrote. Yeah, and then put in his own movie. It's so bad She like tries to do the laugh several times and like retches a little bit each time Yeah, right. It's like It says eight ha ha's in, 16 total ha's in the script. Contractually obligated or you're not getting paid. I hope she got paid a lot. You didn't get a T-Mobile ad like Turk did. You fucking stay here.

He's like, all right, all right, well that wasn't enough ha's, so I'm adding a line here about how charming and likeable I am for you to say. She has to say that? She actually has to say, you make me laugh so much more than anyone else in my life. She could not get through it. No. Rough. She's like, well, my mom sure does suck compared to you. And I'm like, oh my God, you like like, you know this guy's got an estranged daughter when he's writing this shit in the script.

And then my daughter will tell me that I'm even better than her father. So tragic. So tragic. She'll say your soul patch makes you look like a progeny of jazz. It's like, I wrote this scene as a sketch after I heard Anne laugh at Eli

when she was listening to like our podcast. I was like, oh, what were you laughing at? Was it a me joke or an Eli joke? after I heard Anne laugh at Eli when she was listening to like our podcast. I was like, Oh, what were you laughing at? Was it a me joke or any joke? Was it no joke? Which one of us wasn't? And she was like, you know, that's rough. And I was like, Oh, really? Well, I am ready at Christian Boogie now.

And you are in it laughing at me, asshole. This is our vows. And by the way, this scene only exists for her to compliment him. That's it. Right. Like she laughs at several of his jokes, talks about how charming and likeable he is, talks about how he's better than mom, and then they leave to go get yogurt. That's the whole fucking scene.

So then we get like a montage of him and Gretchen off doing daddy daughter stuff. They're like flying kites and making bubbles. What the fuck age is she supposed to be that? That's was my thought is that they she is eight years old. Yeah, like actually that makes the most sense, right? I think they wanted to hire an eight-year-old for this part of the movie But then Thor took them aside and he was like hey there was an issue in 1997 Thor took them aside and he was like, hey, there was an issue in 1997. And I actually... Oh, God!

I need everyone who is technically a child in this movie to be well, look at me, well over the age of 80. And they were like, oh, yeah, no problem, man. How far? And he was like, far. Far. Look at my soul patch. Far. You know they make patch. Far. Yeah.

You know they make children mannequins too. They'll sell them to you. You just buy mannequins. Okay. All right. You can get them on Amazon. Touch the patch. Get a suit at this point. Yeah. I'm touching you with it. So then we get Carla. She's walking to her car when Joey Fatone accosts her in song.

Some more. We actually get a Joey Fatone pop scare. It's fucking weird. Yeah. With the like brr brr noise. Yeah. That should be the name of his solo album. Pop Scare with Joey Fatone.

Oh nice. Yeah. That's been soft. Pop Tart Scare. So he's of all things, he's proposing marriage to Carla, the woman he's not dating. Right? Right. And during this little stupid song thing that he's doing, he says, God wants me to marry

you. And I'm like, Oh, wow, you've underscored yet another region. Why your religion is dangerous and terrifying, huh? Yep. But yeah, she's trying to say no. And he keeps interrupting her to tell her that he's picked out flowers in a venue and like, okay, we've moved on to just like, very high level insanity at this point, right?

This isn't like just cute guy also is a rival for her affection or whatever. Yeah, we've moved past failure of a comedy bit and onto like postmodern Abramovich performance. So yeah, but she's like, I'm not interested in dating you. He's like, oh, it's, it's guy, isn't it? And she's like, well, he is the only other adult male in the film I'm not related to. So yeah, yeah. But he promises he's going to talk lays out of getting crucified for her anyway, even though she won't fuck him. Right?

Yeah. He might as well say, no, it's the part of the movie where I'm on your side now. And she's like, Oh, great. Wonderful. Yeah. I was a way earlier. It was the part of the movie where I was on his side. So I'm glad to see that that's just a tiny thing for the characters. So, you know, we had to pop that bubble. It was all the way blown up. So, yeah. But then they have this stupid fucking scene of Joey talking to Blaze and failing to talk him out of it. Where he's just like, yeah, you know, there's going to be a lot of people there.

And Blaze is like, yeah, won't that be awesome? And he's like, oh, fuck, I didn't have a follow up. That didn't talk you out of it. And that's the scene. That's it. That's the scene. Again, why blow that balloon up if you're just just gonna pop it like that in the next fucking moment? Problem was Joey Fitton didn't do any singing to blaze here. Sure. That's what it is You know, you know blaze wanted him to sing. I Feel like it got uncomfortable. There was a mannequin and Joey Fitton was like even me not doing it. Okay. Yeah

So yeah, so then so guys in his office all bummed and dammit, the insurance guy isn't there right now. He bought mints. Yes, he brought the mints. Mints callback, guys. Mints callback. Only comedy pros like Thor Guggenheim really nail callbacks like that. Yeah.

No, you got to be really good at comedy to do callbacks like that. Yeah, no, you gotta be really good at comedy to do callbacks, yeah. So, but now up until this point, his last hope had been that the insurance guy would shut down the church and not let him do the crucifixion. But now the insurance guy has upped their insurance and it'll be okay, right?

And I will say this movie does have one funny line. He says, yeah, you're totally fine to do fire, crucifixions and preschool. Well, okay. So that line would have been a lot funny. So the actual line I wrote it down is now you're good for crucifixions, crowns of thorns, floggings and preschools. And yeah, that would have been a great fucking line if it wasn't for the fact that churches so regularly get in trouble for flogging children in their preschools. Yeah, I guess.

It kind of undercuts it a bit. Bit of a downer. Yeah. But Skip's like, hey, Guy, just an apropos of nothing at all about you making our insurance more expensive, can I talk to you in my office? And then he fires him, right? Right.

And again, like, this is where I realized in the movie, like, oh, Skip is supposed to be like a bad guy, bad guy. He's not just misguided, he's like the bad guy villain of the movie, like, oh, Skip is supposed to be like a bad guy, bad guy. He's not just misguided. He's like the bad guy villain of the movie. But don't worry, that won't be consistent in the next fucking scene he's in. So I'm just completely confused about his motivation here. Right.

And also of fucking guys motivation, right? Because he's like, you're fired. And he's like, you know, I've been trying to quit since the literal first scene of this goddamn movie that we shared together, but now I'm very upset about being fired. Now I'm upset that I'm fired. Yeah. And like, Hey, in skips defense, he's like, Hey, you know, you very clearly want to do things a different way than I do them. So do that. Go do that. Yeah.

And they almost have a moment of recognition here where fucking guy is like, yeah, but I'm a youth pastor I don't have any real Yeah, you know what? I'll go do my own thing Right, we're gonna have to say the last word of that sentence out loud Podcasting shit That is that is the next rung down. Yeah, right. No, it is actually where it failed youth pastors go asshole. Don't say it out loud Stupid he learned to tap dance everybody Yeah, or catch a bag of sand

And have a skill So yeah, so so guy is walking out. He's got his fucking movie box of fired stuff, right? I've never seen that box anywhere else in my life except for movie guys walking out of an office with all their personal belongings in them. I feel like if I'm getting fired, I'm getting like a wheelbarrow or something, just like make it more, you know, more production, right? Yeah, fuck yeah. Have some style about it.

Yeah, get it fun. So yeah, so but he walks by by Joey's singing to Carla some more. And this is where he has to tell Carla that he's that he's getting fired. Right. And Carla says, so you're just giving up. And he got fucking fired. That's how getting fired is not a matter of giving up. The only way that would be more confusing if she was like, for how long?

Yeah, right. up. The only way that would be more confusing if she was like, for how long? Yeah right. So she says you can't just walk away and I'm like well no I think the law actually demands it after a certain amount of time when you get fired. Okay is this when he explains that he's also mad at the guy Mort, the insurance guy, he says like Mort's making a fortune by expanding our insurance policy that fucked up my plan so I kind of had to just quit, because nothing's working out. Yes. Okay.

First of all, they are doing a crucifixion, so the insurance policy would have to pay out, assuming that plot rolls through. But what does the movie think insurance is? Great question. That whole concept works I think this comedian Thor was like I'm gonna jump off a motorcycle into a balloon and they were like you can't do that man it's the insurance and not because your neck will get caught in the spokes of the bike and he was like oh okay

insurance guys are bad no I think insurance in their minds is just those assholes who don't let you do this thing that you want to do. Do the sweet shit. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Every time I want to do something real, Jewish guy named Mort. I don't know.

That's the extent of my knowledge. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Right. So, so, okay. So now him and Gretchen are bumming around. Now I guess there's a subplot, if you can even call it that, that Gretchen doesn't

want to talk to her mom now because she's mad at mom about, I guess, lying to her about her father's involvement in her life from the time she was born to the present. Yeah. I wrote my notes at this point. The movie shifts plots like I change lanes, violently and blindly. Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. So but they're talking about, you know, he says, well, you should call your mom and forgive her. And she's like, that's incredibly simplistic. And he's like, and it's my entire worldview.

If you can believe that, it's the whole thing. Fucking Gretchen tells him how he has such great passion and knowledge. Again, he wrote for a pretty girl to say to him. Yeah Just to be clear. They're on a swing set. The movie is quite certain. She's an eight-year-old character Yeah, yeah a hundred percent But guy realizes that all through all of this stuff trying to talk to parents out of it trying to talk the insurance guy out Of it. He's never sat and had a one-on-one with blaze So he just needs to talk to bla to Blaze and that'll solve the whole problem.

Exactly. And he shows up to Blaze with a mannequin hand. Now, spoiler alert, he's just gonna squish it and fill it with blood or something to scare him. You guys all thought he was gonna be like, Blaze, I will stand outside the door and you could do whatever you want to this mannequin hand for 10 minutes. I hear, I will stand outside the door and you could do whatever you want to this mannequin hand for 10 minutes.

I hear I will not open the door. You put it in this trash bag and then you put that trash bag in another trash bag. I will throw it out in a dumpster near my house and we never need to talk about it, but you can't get crucified. He literally lures Blaze away with the mannequin like fucking Bugs Bunny with a carrot, you know? Yeah. And they go in and he's like, hey man, he's like, oh, I don't get to fuck that mannequin

at all. He's like, no, no, you don't. Actually, I was going to use this mannequin hand to demonstrate what crucifixion looks like. Yeah. And he hammers the spike through the mannequin hand and he put like hot sauce in there so blood could spray and he could scare Blaze, I the mannequin hand and he put like hot sauce in there so blood could spray and he could scare Blaze, I guess that was the idea.

Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, okay, so Blaze is gonna fuck the stigmata hole now? What is happening in this movie? No question. Blaze is eyeing that stigmata hole when they end the scene. He's like, yeah, no, leave that with me. It's left a lot of, I need to think about the consequences.

But also, like, I feel like Blaze knew what crucifixion was, right? Like, did he think that they were going to drive his nails through his hands in such a way that there was no blood or what was being communicated by that demonstration? Yeah, unclear. or what was being communicated by that demonstration? Yeah, unclear. Also, did Guy just have a mannequin? Did he, or did he get one for that demonstration? Either way, it's pretty fucking creepy.

Oh, he just had a mannequin, I think. He had a mannequin, look. There's a reason why Blaze came to him with his mannequin problems, right? Mannequin perverts, no other mannequin perverts. When I say a mannequin problems, right? Mannequin perverts. No other mannequin perverts. When I say a mannequin, I mean like a collection of mannequins for sure. But yeah, but he explains that not only would being crucified really hurt, but also you'd be sort of hornin' in on Jesus' whole thing if you do it. Like, it'll be a real owie. So now

Blaze is on fucking guys side for the rest of the movie. So they run out, it's, I guess it's day of now they're about to do the crucifixion. They run out and they grab Carla and the youth group who were going to go do some ministry and they're like, no, you got to come now to the crucifixion thing. There's a whole plan and everything. Doing a caper. You can't help poor people. Right. We're the good guys. Exactly. So, okay. So we're ramping up for the big crucifixion service. We see Steven, that's a Steven Baldwin, psychically greeting people at the door. God, where, where's Alec with a prop gun when you need him? Fuck.

There's no God. That's where where's Alec with a prop gun when you need him? Fuck. There's no God. That's that's proof right there. Right. He's been in movies with his shitty brothers. Come on. Yeah. So but then so Donald Faison comes in and Stephen Baldwin, he's like, oh, you're you must be looking for Blaze.

And he's like, I am. He's like, oh, I'll take you right to him. You guys thought Stephen Baldwin was going to kill Donald Faison, right? He takes him to these like to the bowels of the church, like he's going to hunt him for sport or some crazy shit. Yeah. But eventually he takes him out the back door and he and he

locks him out. And now he's locked out of the church and would have to walk all the way around it. And it's so ridiculously big that that would probably take some time. And by the way, that's how they have Donald Faison escorted out of the movie. Like he was like, hey, I got that T-Mobile commercial. I'm walking to my car right now. And they were like, what if Stephen Baldwin walks with you? And they were like, he was like, yep, Stephen Baldwin can walk with me.

That is how I will exit the movie. They're like, great. We'll do it. Do it. Yeah'll do it. Yeah, so he locks him out. And that's it for that character. So we cut inside the church. Everybody's settling in to watch the child torture. We get some thunder.

We get some pageantry. And again, keep in mind that the underlying message here is why can't church be boring, right? So we're supposed to be going, oh boo, thunder and pageantry. And then, so then Pastor Skip comes out, starts giving a trigger warning because he's so woke, I guess, right? My day, pastor just crucified a teenager who'd volunteered without his parents' permission, without anyone knowing and we made us strong Right, right. Yeah So so blaze comes in everybody cheers and guy is right there with him

Okay, I feel like Jesus didn't you know walk up to the crucifixion like fucking price is right cuz that's what's happening Certainly as they might as well have wrestler music going for him. Everyone's shouting, say it's done, say it's done. So yeah, so he goes up to the stage. Gretchen's mom shows up at the church. That's I guess that wraps up that play. They're getting along just fine guys, in case you were curious. We're done with them now.

And then Guy walks with Blaze up on the stage and Skip's kind of wondering because he's like, wait, I fired this guy. Why the hell is he coming up? And he says, Guy says, there's been a change of plans. Blaze isn't going to get crucified. I am. And Skip's like, good. I wanted to hurt you really bad. And he's like, oh shit, I mean, no, I'm not. Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. So it skips like, yeah, let's let's crucify the shit out of this guy. And he's like, well, but first I've got a little something to say. And skip the pastor who just fired this guy because he was like trying to undermine everything that he was doing or whatever is like, yeah, why don't you just say whatever it is that you would like to say

now that you've got the floor? Yeah, you talk now. Oh, do you have an end speech? No, no, that's cool. Yeah, do your end speech. Yeah. I have a feeling my heart might grow three sizes this day, everybody, so let's hear him out.

He goes, Jesus's last words on the cross were, it is finished. And I'm like, yeah, well, unless you trust those assholes over at the Gospels of Mark, Luke, Matthew. For your purposes here those were his last words. Because if you trust those guys it's God why have you forsaken me which I think we all agree is not the tone we want to end the movie on. Say a different thing actually as it turns out. So yeah so he gives this speech about how the gimmicks are getting in the way of the gospel. And by the way, the crowd throughout all of this,

never cheers, never laughs, never responds in any fucking way. It was just like Edinburgh the whole fucking time. Yeah, it's the reactions he's used to at his comedy shows. Yeah. Every time they would like, the extras would laugh or something, be like, what are y'all doing? What are you doing? Are you coughing? Such a thing. Do you guys have COVID? You have to tell me. Everybody shut the fuck up. I'm doing a comedy. I'm doing a comedy set. So yeah. So, so he, but

he explains that like, it's not just skip's fault that the church is too commercialized. It's his fault too. So instead of crucifying himself, he's gonna nail like a promotional poster from his book tour to the cross. He's gonna crucify his vanity, I guess. And we watch him, we watch him physically do that for a second. And on the very first swing with his hammer, he clearly hits himself in the hand.

And yeah, hard cut away. Hard cut away. He really fucked us. Definitely hurt himself. But like, just for a second, crucifying your bad habits, which is the, oh, captain, my captain moment that this turns into,

that's like wildly insulting to Jesus, right? Like, I want to be clear, I would not do that as a metaphor. I would consider it to be in poor taste. Yeah, right, yeah, because like now one by one, all the people, like Carla's like, you know, I have this necklace that reminds me of Moldova and for some reason I'm also going to crucify that and that's a bad habit.

And they're like, oh yeah, sure, no, that makes perfect sense. And then Gretchen stands up and she's like, I also have a thing that I want to do that too, that we were too dumb to introduce into the movie. They didn't introduce it. It's just a booty and they're like, come on, you know, baby shit.

Yeah, it's fine. Yes, exactly. It's just a fucking baby boot or something. It makes no goddamn sense at all. Everybody's confused. She's like, I want to apologize to my dad for him having abandoned me. I don't know. Yes.

I don't really know what my perspective is at this point. And then guys like, so we crucify. Oh, a sock. OK, I guess. Yeah. A sock. Why the fuck is it a sock? I really hurt my hand. Can you nail it up, though? So, yes. But now everyone in the church is going

up and they're crucifying all their, like somebody crucifies their phone. Oh, fucking Mike Lindell stands up and he's like, I've been watching the Vikings games on the phone and I'm going to crucify my phone. Yep. Sorry. No, I just, I need to be clear that that is not at all the brevity or the fluidity with which Mike Lindell says that sentence Mike Lindell is so obviously under you know when you see someone in public and you're like this person is on drugs And I feel like I need to get the medical assistance a whole movie set didn't do it yeah a whole movie set was like yep Mike you're not on crack anymore he was like sure not how are you sweaty and dusty Who wants to fuck me? So yeah, so he crucified, it's not his phone either. I don't know what the fuck that weird ass thing that Mike Lindell had was. He had something.

I wrote, don't crucify that phone. It has a bunch of stuff about January 6th on it. You're fucking on my pack of data. All right. I guess. If he crucified his packet data, I'd forgive this whole fucking... I can find that guy at the Arby's again. He'll sell me another one.

It was convenient that everybody was carrying a physical symbol of their personal failing on that day. Right, yes, yeah. That's why I always carry a tap shoe. Somebody crucified their packet cigarettes. Some lady crucified her high heels. So she's just barefoot now, apparently, or had a spare pair of shoes with her. I guess either is a possibility. But finally, so everybody at the church has nailed something up. We cut to the cross and it just looks sad and still empty as all hell because everything's small. But now they,

everybody turns to Pastor Skip, Skip. What's Pastor Skip going to crucify? Well, this whole time he's been wearing a tie-dye shirt under his sports coat. So they have him take off his signature tie-dye shirt and crucify that. Now, anything could have been his gimmick, but no, they chose the thing that makes this like fucking old man stand there all Shirtless and old and shit on the stage and and give his I've learned something here today's speech And give a speech where he's like I was a bad pastor. I'm gonna start taking my clothes off now in front of Like a good pastor this is why Thor isn't allowed to have child-turned actors in the movie. And then he puts on the shawl of Christ.

Look, again, I have no devout feelings about any of this, but I would not walk out on stage in the shawl of Christ. They'd be like, eh, a little tasteless. I wanted this to keep going though. I wanted Guy to like, you know, do the rest of the magic and be like, okay, well now we put all the stuff in a cave and it resurrects. And then your cigarettes will come alive. Well, it depends. If women go and see them, they'll just be gone.

But if men go and see them, they'll be, ah, it's fucking confusing. So, yeah. So, okay. So after the service, all the named characters are lingering. Gretchen's mom comes up to say hi to Guy and let everybody know that like, man, she sure wishes she could still have sex with him more. And so he's hot. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Eight eight.

Stephen Baldwin does a fake Batman, right, where they're like, what is the deal with him? And then he's gone. But then he's just slightly to the right, which I get the bit they were going for. But that's not how human vision works. Nope. You would just look. And it's even dumber than that, because when they look back, it's just a puff of smoke. And then they cut to the right and he's holding the smoke machine and he goes, oh, the smoke machine is clogged again. And I'm like, it's clogged in such a way that it's making more smoke.

The fuck you failed that bit three different directions and it's a two directional bit. I don't even understand. Yeah. So and then they're all going to leave for lunch and they invite all the named characters to come with them. They're like, Joey of Fatone, do you want to come? And they're like, yeah. They're like, Pastor Skip, do you want to come?

And then nobody says anything at all to Stephen Baldwin and they all leave. They leave. Stephen Baldwin is alone on the stage. And there was a moment where I was like, what if Stephen Baldwin just does if we shadows have offended? Like, what are we gonna do with our lives? Okay, this was, I almost went with best worst final line in a comedy movie, right? So they have him on the stage, the beach ball,

there's a bunch of beach balls like that fall on him or whatever that were up in the rafters or whatever for reasons that make no goddamn sense. And so we didn't bother to mention them. So they all fall down and we're like, and I wrote my notes. Wow, that was supposed to be funny, wasn't it? I wrote that before Stephen Baldwin had his, I'm going to try to convince you any of that was funny line that actually closes the movie. Here's what he says. He says, Christians have always been funny, just not on purpose. And then he winks at what I can only assume is us, God awful movies, the podcast. Yeah. He says, who says Christians aren't funny? And we're like, oh, is he talking directly to us?

And he's like, we're just not funny on purpose, which, which is just an admission that this movie wasn't funny. Right? Yeah, funny by accident. Stop fucking with my house, Heath, by the way. Fuck her, Heath. I'll get you your money, I'm good for it, I swear. Me and Slotnik. I'm just gonna wait until my brother dies.

He's going to jail, he's gonna need someone to take over his assets. Yeah, you'd be amazed at what I've done with prop guns on this on behalf of making that happen. But so, all right. Well, I guess that's going to do it for our review of church people, but that's not going to do it for this episode just yet.

Cause we still need to renew the curse for next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. A young woman in medical school, eager to tout science, witnesses the spiritual world clashing with the natural world, bringing to light deep family secrets and unspeakable evils. We'll be watching Matthew 18. Lucky us. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 450 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation

to patreon.com slash god awful and thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode you can also help a ton by leaving a five star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms and if you enjoyed this show be sure to check out our sibling shows the scaling of the citation needed dnd minus and the scapula available wherever podcasts live if you have questions comments or cinematic suggestions you can email god awful movies and gmail.com tim robertson takes care of our social media our theme song was written and performed by ryan slatman for drops on mars all other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Clark, and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Heathen, Ray, Neelay Bosnick, I'm an illusionist

promising to work harder, earning another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with a Breakfast Club close. This movie is the most successful thing Mike Lindell has ever done. Blaze eventually did fuck that mannequin. Sandhills Mega Church closed down in less than a year, cause the gospel is boring and also kind of lame. They got those BMX bikes in there. Needed the bikers.

Yeah, need the assault I'm already on interstitial well I click't click. Don't move around like you weren't. It's fine. It's like when you the guys who lose in UFC like get up and do the little like fast feet thing. Yeah, right. Yeah, I could still though. I still had. I'm not out.

I'm not out. You're shitting. I am shitting. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2024 all rights reserved.