God Awful Movies - 46: GAM046 Leap

Episode Date: July 5, 2016

This week Eli, Noah, and Heath join forces for an atheist review of Leap, a no-budget film about four friends who decide to use their remedial gymnastic skills to save souls for Jesus, despite ominous warnings from one of those teams of atheists that kill Christian parkour ministers. With substantially substandard cinematography, acting, music, editing, ADR, stunts, writing, and plot; Leap makes a valiant effort at being the worst movie we've ever reviewed. --- If you'd like to chime in on locations for our 2017 national tour, you can take the survey here. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page.

Un chapuzón, con el hábito, tu serie favorita y en medio de tu siesta. ¡Ey! ¿Has visto esta? No sabes la de planazos que hay este verano en Guésville Parque Sur, con ciertas asociaciones con DJs, clases de yoga, talleres con martes y actividades con niños, te apuntas. Un sueño de verano, bailués sin parque sur. I just want to point out that there actually are impressive park or vaults that can be done with a rail like that, so that you guys know that yeah. There are people who could do back flips and handstands and shit. It's not just slowly heaving one thigh over it and then the other. The way I get onto the toilet. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Moobie, Moobie, Moobie! Moobie! Moobie! Moobie!

Welcome back to the Gamcast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because we're pissed off at our eyes. I'm your host, Noah Luzonz, and sitting to my immediate left in sort of an astronomical sense is my good friend Heath and Wright Heath. Welcome back. Greatest thing that ever happened. So excited. Oh, really, really good. And sitting 989 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnig. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon sir? I have never been better in my life is how I am.

A lot of teas early on right here. So obviously we can't contain ourselves here. Heath, tell us what will we be breaking down today. All right, we watched Leap. It's the story of some Slavic French, Canadian, Russian, Dutch college students who teach an American kid about Jesus in exchange for lessons in Michael Scott style parkour. So if you're hoping that Tommy Wiseau would remake the room except with jumping over handrails instead of naval porn, well congratulations, your wish came true.

And you wish for really weird stuff, probably stop wishing for things. Yeah, right. It's your fault that this was unleashed in the world. So Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you ever thought to yourself, I love watching this video on YouTube, my nephew made of him doing parkour, but I wish occasionally I would wake up in a boring ESL Bible study group

than this movie is for you. And look, here here's the thing I say this is the best worst Blank we've seen pretty often. I'm aware of that people have brought my attention to that But this is the best worst movie we've watched and here's my argument as to why okay Vultures of horror international guerrilla J there's a little bit of white guilt I look at it and I go how much of this is because there are wild chickens roaming through the set But this is there is no excuse These are people the creator of this movie responded to the comments from our listeners on YouTube This person has a computer. He has no excuse to have made this movie not

Also if you're listening to this movie, I know that you told our listeners to check out the second movie because it's better, but what you do when you make a movie this bad is you erase it from existence, you just destroy it, you kill all the actors and then yourself. That's how you, you don't just recommend what you thought was a better job. Yeah. Oh my God, this was fucking horrible. And yeah, it really does. It's right up there with Miracle Man International.

It makes a hard run at being the worst thing we've ever seen. Now, I want to say out front, full disclosure and all. I used to do parcore. All right, this is a movie about parcore. Now, of course, I did it before. There was a thing called parkour. We just called it jumping around like an asshole. So I believe in a lot of ways that this movie was my cocktail, you know. It's like, we're

walking up to the pianist going, yeah, but do you have chopsticks? Do you have that down? Do you have that down? So anyway, I want to throw a new twist on an old question. Is there anything that you don't want to nominate this movie for being the best at being the worst at? Path. Well, for me, no, there is absolutely not. This was the best worst at best worstitude across the world. It was amazing. Worst worst costumes worst fake gun noises, worst. Girl who you can scream shut the fuck up T9, she always says that.

Bass. Every moment of this movie is amazing. I could do this movie every week for the next year. I would watch Leap over every week. I would just be like, welcome back to the GameCats, leap again. It's an amalgamation of everything that was terrible about every movie we loved, yeah. Yeah. Fucking phenomenal. All right, well, every second we spend in the intro

is a second longer before we get to break down what we're promising to be possibly the worst thing we've ever seen, so we'll take a quick pause and when we come back, we'll break down all the remedial athleticism that is. Leap. Hey Chris, long time man how you been? Pretty good dip.

How you been? Oh you know, my mom was actually just diagnosed with... But yes actually I'm making a Christian parkour movie dude. Well I didn't ask but okay I was actually talking about my mom. Yes, about a bunch of parkour ninjas, and they use their sweet moves to save souls for Jesus. Wow. Okay, that's actually worse than my news, so, uh, what are you writing it?

Yeah, yeah, writing, directing, filming. Wow, that's, uh, that's ambitious. Yeah, also doing the soundtrack, because you know, like you know how people are always saying I've got sweet guitar skills? I actually don't think anyone but you has ever said that. Okay, but when I do say it, people agree with me a lot. Like especially if I pause for long enough. Yeah, I guess. See?

So you're right there. Yeah, gotcha, gotcha. So are there any other hats you're gonna be wearing in this production? Uh-huh. I'm also the parkour instructor. Oh, wow. I didn't realize you did parkour. I didn't realize I did parkour, shit.

Go! What do you call that? Um, I guess, clumsily, hefting yourself over a bike ride. I don't know that there's a name for that. Yeah, parkour, it's French. Well, no, no, I'm familiar with the term. I just don't know that counted. Oh, really?

Okay. How about this week, move. Who- D-d-d- D-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h Look at that! Oh! Oh! I'm gonna roll my dick. My old dick! Yeah, that's kinda what I was expecting. Should I call 911 or something? I feel it, I tore it.

No, I just need an ice bath. I think you need more than that. I shouldn't be able to see your ribs, bro. Oh, ribs, that's ice bath, it's just an ice bath. Okay, I'm gonna leave now. We can't! We can't for life! Cutting in with a quick announcement here, we're fast approaching our next Patreon goal, which until now we've just been referring to as Project X. Well, the reason we were being so coy is that we didn't want to get everybody's hopes up before we knew we were going to be able to do

it, but now that we're zeroing in on it, we can tell you that we're in the preliminary stages of planning a US tour of live game shows in 2017. Of course, the first thing we want to know is where we should go. So if you take a look at the show notes or our Facebook page, you're going to find a link to a survey where you can chime in on where we should stop on that tour. Keep in mind that we'll need to keep this to major population centers, so be sure to vote for the nearest city that you'd be willing to drive to for a live show.

And remember, the sooner we hear from you The sooner we can start locking down dates venues and local guests But of course if you don't want to count on the internet bringing us to you next year There are still a few tickets left for our live show in New York City on August 12th We're currently looking to adding some standing room only tickets But if you don't want to count on that either book your tickets immediately again You'll find links to buy those on the show notes as well and now back to the show And we're back for the breakdown and if if this movie is truly going to compete with

Vultures of Horror for shittiest thing we've ever sat through, it's going to have to start with a preview for itself. And it almost does. It almost does. Turns out it's preview for the next movie before you've seen the first one. Yeah, I didn't realize my first first note is coming attractions, this movie. You're about to watch this movie. And that's it. All of my notes are, this is my everything. I've never been so happy.

My wedding vows will be much less enthusiastic. Also, music note, this is my first music note for a preview, music note. That church choir that practices next door is loud. Also very important. We learned that the sequel was shot on Canon DSLR. DSLR, guys. Yeah, that's like a $400 camera.

We're not fucking around, boys. Facking on a red hat, cameraman. Yeah. Shot on the iPhone. Six plus. iPhone six plus. Right. Then we get the, you know, 6 plus right then we get the you know all the Bible bullshit we say in this movie is real disclaimer yeah I wrote my notes

scriptures in this film are accurate nope nope but we also get a little bit of a warning yes where we learned that the parker in this movie which again we cannot emphasize enough is Stepping over a skiddle you dropped before you eat it Level difficult is very dangerous and should only be attempted by a professional. Yeah Parkour is dangerous if you're gonna run around it's much safer to stay on script do not go rogue do not improvise Just run around normal if you have gone to the bathroom at Yankee Stadium You have done all the parkour that isn't right right yeah exactly

So now the movie's gonna I mean, it's not quite gonna get going We need to promise you some eventual action because it's gonna take the entire movie before that happens and and So we start off with this like seen from later in a car where a kidnapper is demanding the theological position of a nerd. Yeah, and I wrote in my notes, I've seen this rape porn and I immediately closed my computer. I was like, oh, fuck, sorry, no, it's supposed to be what you're, ah, it's in the room, it's in the room. But no, it's just rape porny and it's shot through one of those, you ever see one of those

cheap apps that's supposed to be a heat detector that just puts the black light and then puts random spots of red on the people-shaped stuff. That's the lens that they use for this entire scene. Well, and the kidnapper, gun, tote, and ski mask person, they're trying really hard to disguise the fact that this is a woman, so they put her, they like wrap her up and give her gigantic sunglasses and give her a voice modulator and everything, but then they put her in a sleeveless shirt. Right. Like, I mean, a hoodie would have done the trick, guys, we can see that she has boobs. Right. Also, by the way, why can't those deep voice machine things give you any other voice? That would be so much more fun. Like, if she was Fran Dresher all of a sudden or like Gilbert Godfrey like I would enjoy this so much more when we redo the sound she will definitely be but Gilbert Godfrey do you believe in God so he says yes and then we hear a

blam is a very convincing gun shot sound effect. Yeah, I assume this is one step below gun noise. Gun noise, shattering into a microphone. And then we get the credits where my music note is, yeah, I meant to listen to that demo tape. I am so sorry. My music note is the guy at the records door wants to play you some real rock and roll.

My music note is the guy at the record store wants to play you some real rock and roll My note was a Beatles tribute band speaking only in questions Ha ha ha I am the Eggman was Also during the credits we are it is pointed out that this movie is written directed shot, shot, edited, and scored by the same person. Yes. Always a good sign. He was also listed later in the closing credits as the par core instructor. So there's just nothing this guy can't do.

We know how people who think they're awesome and everything are always really awesome at everything. He's one of those guys. Ha, ha, ha. Okay, so now we get the first shot proper of this movie. And basically this shot is We're three people look at the three of us. We're three friends at Chernobyl community college Exactly what we look like take that sunny day. Oh, hi

And this is where we learn the moment they open their mouths that every single line of this movie is ADR. Yes, there is not a single line in this movie that gets spoken by a person picked up by a microphone and then synced at the same time as that person moved their mouths and okay, we got to talk about the actors because you know how normal movies have normal actors and you know how like the gap has normal genes And you know how the gap has normal genes and you know how you can go online and buy Russian knockoffs to those genes that fall apart in two days, but they say Levi's on them,

except there's like an umla over the e. That's what they got for actors. They got the Russian knockoff version of humans. Yes, yes, these were male order actors. Mm-hmm. Speaking of which, I'm gonna start with Tina, the blonde one. Yeah, shut the fuck up Tina. Yeah. Shut the fuck up Tina as you'll learn. She looks pretty much exactly like Elliott reads Dracula Muppet. Like Sarah Chalk as a Dracula Muppet. Also, we should point out this is very important. Tina does not have a line in this move.

Well, she has one line. She has one line in this movie that is not supposed to be comic relief. And so if you haven't watched this movie yet, I know a lot of people wait and then listen to the episode, then they watch it. You can say, shut the fuck up Tina after every time she speaks and she looks sad and shuts up.

It's fabulous. Yep, yep, you picked that up way earlier than I did. Now we also meet Sierra here. She looks like she's never made it through a spoken paragraph without at least one totally in it. Yeah, super hot, super hot. Absolutely, agreed. And then of course, most importantly,

we're also gonna meet Michael. Michael! Oh, fantastic. He looks like an Adam Zappel dressed as a human. He's all very distraught. He looks like a live action reboot. He looks and talks like a live action reboot of Speedy Gonzalez. But he is all Adam's apple. This guy is a mate. He looks like somebody peeled John Turtaro. So it looks like fake molly dealer at a rave uh... you're definitely gonna give him fifty bucks and he's not gonna bring back

pills for you so these three wonderful exemplars of humanity are wandering around talking about how much they hate homework and the only reason this scene exists is because this filmmaker has no idea that you can apply something happened before in the next scene. No, not at all. This this guy saw an episode of 24 and he was like, that's how movies work. You need to see every moment of a second to second need to know otherwise people will think they

teleported. And and apparently he won't even imply names later because he has to throw in a line from Tina and she's like Okay, Michael is your name. See ya Your name also see yeah, Sierra. I'm Tina And just in case you were thinking there was something they got right We'd already made fun of the acting we'd already made fun of the the the audio sync We already made fun of the music But I also have a cinematography note here

that simply reads, what if I just balanced the camera on my dick and some result along beside you guys? Was he doing parkour while he was filming this? This is the only parkour film filmed by people doing parkour. So this is also the three friends split up. We follow Michael and he happens upon a guy who will later learn his name Shane, although we're not going to call him Shane much.

And he's doing technically parkour. There's literally nothing that he does that the average mildly overweight person could not do on one try. Yeah. There's there is nothing in this movie with the exception of one wall jumpy thing that I think would take me three tries that I could not do instantly just like, oh, okay. So you put your hands and then you jump back and forth. Yeah. I got it. I'm willing to bet that there is no parkour move that they do in this movie that I couldn't do while holding a drink. I am an underweight 40-year-old Smoker, but yeah, he's jumping back and forth across a fence and we're supposed to be Fucking amazed by this like he's supposed to be doing a wall cartwheel

like obviously if the people who made this movie had found an actual parkour artist who had an I assume hung them by their underpants from a Flagpole like they would have been doing impressive stuff at this point but instead no he's jumping back and forth across a bike rack and the music lets us know this because it basically starts a barn dance theme tune it's like like that's the badass music for this movie and the only way that we know we're supposed to be amazed is it keeps cutting to Michael who is pretending to be amazed. Ha ha ha. Yeah, he actually says I've never seen anyone move like that.

Yeah, you've never seen any move like that because adults don't usually just hop over the same handrail 57 tons of OCD that's really fucking weird. So that's really fucking weird so that's why you haven't seen that and we should point out that michael's face for amazement is like psyching yourself up to suck a dick is just like uh... one second sorry one second i really do want that rock i really do all right got

yeah yeah so so he goes he goes to he says to shame once he said that was incredible it's like it's called park or's like par what like that's not how learning words works The word that entered your ear you can repeat right away That was a two syllable word. Did you lose track after I said par And he goes par. It started in France. She just fucking leaves it there. You have to hear the deliver. It's hard to explain how terrible that one.

First of all, you could have a nice long loving fuck in between all of these actors lines. So he goes parkour. It started in France. And you want it cut and the other guy is gone like a Batman disappearance. That's how long the pauses are. But instead he's just like cool. But then Shane, okay, but we need to talk about Shane's physical appearance. Okay. And it's so hard. I don't even know where to begin. He looks like the third Trump son. My notes are constantly like stuff like like this guy would look out of place anywhere but pancing the character we're supposed to be rooting for. He looks like he looks like the put him in a body bag guy from Crotty Kid got put in a body bag for

a while except for his arms which are except for his arms, which we will learn our farmers, and then he fucked Johnny Lawrence inside of that Yeah, and he has no shirts except those tank tops He will wear he will wear one non tank top shirt throughout this entire film He's like 90% allergic to sleeves Yeah, exactly at one point in this movie They all order shirts together and then when we see him wearing him He's cut the sleeves off of his That's how bad it is but yeah but as they're chatting about parkour he gets a phone call I guess or a text or whatever and has to run away at a full sprint. Yeah because that's parkour. Parkour

means you sprint away from every conversation. But it's not it's not even it's not like he parkors away in a way that's impressive, right? He just like, you know, but it's like you're talking to someone and he's just like, I just wish the shot had lasted longer. It lasts pretty long and you see this teenager just like, you know, just running across this Wendy's parking lot that they're shooting in. But oh, I it could have lasted for I could have watched that guy just sprint away at a pants shittingly fast speed for him forever. Oh good because later on in the movie yeah we'll

get we'll get a little more of that. So now we have to cut to Michael telling the girls that we met earlier how awesome this guy that jumped back and forth over the bike rack was. And he says I quote It was just like a dance This guy's accent is amazing this it's speedy Gonzalez. It's it is it is it was moment for moment speedy Gonzalez for the cartoon Tina okay, so Tina and Ciara right right? Their voices are all the extras who didn't make it out of the taken movies, right? You remember when it goes in an ox over the wear, all the girls who didn't make it out of taken that was Ciara

and Tina, and then they did their own movie. That makes sense. And by the way, just to give you an idea of the ridiculous ABCDE series of events that this movie is. During this scene when he's telling about the parkour, they have a whose computer will we use to later look up parkour on YouTube conversation. So later when we see them looking up parkour on YouTube, we'll understand how they got there. Well, I only assume the test audience, which was this person's grandmother who has terrible, terrible, Alzheimer's, stood up and threw her poop at the TV and was like, Where did that computer come from?

Where? Okay, we'll fix it in post. We'll fix it in post-cam. We'll fix it in post-cam, damn. Wipe your hands on your beautiful new birthday dress. Yeah. We've got to wash right now. Wasn't this black rectangle broken? birthday dress yeah we gotta watch right now

wasn't his black rectangle broken did he have a busted carburetor or something this is unrealistic also this is where he forgets the word parkour again like he heard the word yesterday the guy clarified it and then said it again and he was like I think it was called parquerab bear did he spell it to you in pig Latin? I don't know what to say and he was like, I think it was called Pacira Bear. Do you like to do this?

Did he spell it to you and pick Latin? I don't know what to say. What's going on, man? So yeah, so then we cut to them watching the parkour videos on YouTube. And the first thing I wrote here was like, how far into the depths of YouTube would you have to reach to dig up parkour that's this unimpressive?

It looks like first grade gym class warmups. I like, what do they do it? Why're on youtube now well right well what as it turns out these youtube clips are of the writer director cinematographer composer editor these are his parkour clips all that makes it better that's makes it better You know my touch of his own Yes, he went totally he went full-ray comfort. I want this man's confidence Imagine the confidence This is someone who has already knows that we're gonna make front of this movie He is almost certainly listening to this. I would love the confidence of someone who can make a movie this bad

And then be like you know what that movie means? ME! You need to watch movie! You must just jerk off in a mirror. That guy must never need porn, he just sits there, just reverse-stroking it to himself, just like, oh, who's that lucky man getting to touch that lucky man's penis How do you guys do it? Never mind. It's fucking and again you have to go this is the worst parkour you could find on YouTube

It is you to park or you see guys in fucking South Africa Who just don't know that gravity exists just those fucking bouncers from the matrix running along walls and jumping across oceans and shit. And that's all really cool. And if you take a moment to YouTube parkour and then rewatch this movie, it will remind you how terrifying this movie is that everyone watched this and was like, yep, we represented parkour today. Yeah. And this guy, this fucking jerking off in the mirror guy who directed road edited cinematography

didn't compose to this movie wrote in his own script about when the characters are watching his shitty parkour videos he wrote the line there must be wires or something yeah right by like why would there need to be wires because they're not flying away like a hot air but what the fuck is that you've been should even be easier if you have why yours and i just want to like just for those of you who are sensible and stay away from these movies here's the like most impressive thing that you see in this

montage right it's a guy vaulting over one rail and catching onto another. Like the kind of thing that like everyone listening to this did when they were eight years old because it looked fun. That's all he does. Exactly. I mean not me, but most to you, everyone except he. I haven't burned to calorie in years. Because workout I've done in the last 365 days is being mad at Kelly Culber. But like, I get it.

I get how if you're listening to this, you would understand that jumping over. It is massively unimpressive. A game of toddler leap frog is far more athletic than any of the parkour that we see in this YouTube montage. So yeah. So, but of course, these characters are so impressed by what they saw that they've got to go track down this bike rack jumper and learn them some parkour.

So they're off to find parkour achan. Oh by the way, music note for the beginning of the scene. My name is Ilah and I'm here to say I do bet every senti own and every senti ever will own that that music doubled as a rap about Christ later on in this author's life Never made that music kept it and was like deserve some pretty sick beats Just in case this park or thing doesn't work out and they turned to his putting is like yeah, right and my right And he's like totally my friend Can I have the seven dollars you promised me in my 12 cousins to do this movie Music no here was DJ rock spin that shit

I already said Chicago drink Mine was simply Casio rap number two so Now they all meet and this is where I, this is the first time I spontaneously orgasmed in the movie. He introduces himself, the parkour character, as Flyboy. Yes, he says, my name is Flyboy. Apparently you used to dance with J-Lo on in living color, I guess. Where you got that one.

And when he said that, I wrote in my notes, I should kill myself, my life is peaked. But it has. It has. That was the best moment of my ever. And what I should have done then is just slit my throat and blissfully flown away to the words of flyboy. By the way, when they come up to him, he's just rolling back and forth across the table like he's HAT choking like there's no there's nothing remotely parkour about the amount of table rolling he's doing in any other movie if a character were rolling back and forth across the table you would

just like that you would assume someone had thrown them yeah right exactly exactly they thought they had ants all over them or something like that. Yeah, exactly. I hate him so much I'm so glad he gets shot in the neck later Spoiler reminder PK by the way he calls it PK and we'll continue to call it PK Drinking game if you drink every time he says PK in this movie you get pretty fucking drunk It's good to know.

And you can't just pick two letters from a word and call it that whenever you... And it's not even supposed to have a K. It's from France and the original word is spelled with a C. You're fucking Bar Mitzvah Rapper fucking stop. Oh bitch. And also this guy's delivery is so painful, he's a human voiceover. He delivers his lines in the mode of a Spanish translation tape you know most god don't much i'll fly boy i wrote directors know act like a human man

come on turn it out zip up the back of your suit everyone can see your tentacles and as if his acting isn't bad enough, after he explains what paracore is or whatever, Tina asks, she says, can anyone do what you do? But her emphasis is so random, I had no idea what she was asking. Like the question is, so can anyone do what you do? But her emphasis was just completely random. So your, it's, it's, it's as though she's asking if there is a living human being who can do what he does Yeah, she reads her line like it was revealed to her one letter at a time as she was saying

And any one What you do you do oh question mark But it's translated really badly out of the original communist script. To be fair, she was very distracted by someone walking by with a subway meatball sub. So yeah, so the the gist of this scene though is that they want to learn PK so he's like, yeah, I can teach him meet me at the field Tomorrow mornings like thanks for the specific visiting on location and time there, bro And then of course he gets a beep and he has to run away vaulting over a bench as he goes

But he tells them to make sure to dress like a backup dancer for vanilla ice Oh, yeah, properly set yeah, and then he sprints away and Leaps over a bench for no fucking reason just go around the bench There's so much empty space on either side of this thing. This will happen constantly throughout this movie. Also, I would have pointed out because you said leaps over the bench. He vaults over the bench, right? So, like, leaping over the bench would have been much more impressive. As it happens, he apparently thinks that Gary King was doing parkour on the way to the 11 pubs.

So, yeah, so he runs off we're ten minutes into this movie. All that's happened is the credit. So now we cut to Shane and his lady friend watching a horror movie together. Shane by the way that's fly boy. And can I spend a second talking about this guy? I already know what you're gonna say and I want you to so bad. Yes. Yes. This is have anything to do with the background perhaps. Yes it does. the background of this guy's apartment we will see several times is my world so first and most prominent he has two psi on his wall like he's a ninja turtle yeah yeah apparently flyboy is cool but rude yeah he has Yeah He has sigh on the wall behind him. He has a framed Batman Dark Knight poster yep

And a DVD shelf that someone pointed out to me already contains leap. Oh If you look on his on his DVD shelf, there is a DVD someone sent me the picture and I will retweet it and put it out there on the DVD shelf is the DVD of leap awesome that's amazing and if you want an idea of how ridiculous this room is Eli got through all of that description of the background without mentioning that one entire wall is covered in lighted African masks yeah I could bookie masks Yeah, I'm boogie masks. That's it. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Anyway, so yes, he is a multicultural ninja and the conversation he's having with his girlfriend is botched suicide levels of painful. Yeah, he's basically our one year anniversary is coming up. What do you want to do? No, what do you want to do? Well, I don't know. Could we go on a date? I don't know, a date's a lot to ask. And at that point, I was trying to get rope

over the rafter in my ceiling, so I don't know how the scene played out, but maybe you guys could fill people. No, just kept going like that. What do you want to eat? Italian maybe? No. Sushi?

No. Mexican. Why don't you just tell me the food you want? Remember how I started this by asking you? Can we just move to the god damn it? Yeah, well that's the only realistic moment in the movie. Yeah, yeah. I'm just gonna say the only realism they had in the movie. Yeah, exactly. You have to figure out the date by process of elimination. So fun game to play because he does say PK again in this scene every time he says PK cut yourself

Not an efficiently recognized game so with that pivotal scene out of the way we can move on to the training scene My music note here is some country fella taught me this a here scale. Yeah, my music note was get a little honky-tonk for you Act break on duck dynasty. Ha ha ha. Will Uncle Si catch the duck? Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding. Here's my question, because flyboys are pretty fucking awesome name.

I think we all agree to that. But what's his girlfriend's name that could be sweeter? Ha ha ha ha ha. So, do you girlfriend's name that could be sweeter? So, do you remember her name? Yes, I do. And before we get to it, I just want to point out that when they meet her and she's there to train them or whatever, one of the characters says, so what's your par core name? And I just wrote down, fuck anyone who has ever asked or answered that question. And then it got worse because she revealed her name, which it was sweetheart 69 ass play. She's 69 and ass play would have improved that her parkour name is sweetheart. And again I wrote I will kill myself right the fuck now. All of all of my notes are a suicide note like there's minimal editing to make my notes for this movie my suicide

And the training is gonna begin with a lap around the field which we will watch all of We which we definitely watch all of but they he goes let's start with a lap around the field and they look at him Like he just asked them to crawl up their own ass hole. They're like running in a circle. Get the fuck out of here. No, I want to jump back and forth across the fence. Where are the wires? Yeah. I assume there's some kind of hookup I'm going to need for that amazing bench jump we saw you do earlier. Yeah. But when they finish the lap, they are rolling on the ground. Run out gonna vomit and a trash can exhausted They have run for 38 seconds. I am not a well person I never poop without blood in it and occasionally I my nose just bleeds who knows why I get terrible headaches and I hear voices

But I could do the lap that they did with way less huffing and puffing than these characters are supposed to do. Yeah no we did more than that try to make the Baba Brinkman show when we were in New York. There were stairs. Well that's true. There's also a moment where they do a summer salt. They all take turns doing summer salt and it is the funniest thing in the world. They do some sit ups and some ab twists. Some ab twists. We watch you ab twists.

Very important for them to do some ab twists. Right. And I wrote in my notes, hey, should our movie contain a 20-minute montage of us working out? Sure. Yep. Ab so fucking loopy. Because the other answer would be no. I mean, mean the hell

And uh, by the way, I have two different music notes here Um, the first one is when they're like doing the lap and they haven't switched to fucking black and white for no reason yet And my note is John poppers having chest pain because you keep him running around and it was pretty horrible And then they switch over to black and white and it becomes terrifying like Gipmo 80s rock dubstep's so where's the sleeper cell where is it come out of the compound my second music note was welcome to the house of blues yeah and and now that's over apparently and we learned that because Shane said standing there going well you guys did a great job, you made it through your first session.

To which Tita says, but we didn't do anything, so the movie is aware that nothing happened over that last 25-minute montage. To which he responds, I promise you'll hurt tomorrow more than you've ever felt before. And I wrote the Eli Bosnitz. Yeah, they has to explain how soreness works to them, I guess, because they just arrived from the fucking Matrix All their muscles had atrophied apparently Yeah, and he recommends a fully clothed ice bath Well, he just recommends an ice bath, but the dumb chick later does it fully dressed

Yes, and when a dude who you just learned Calls himself fly boy and you just met him and he tells you to get into an ice bath You're about to lose a kidney But gain a friend for life So now we see them the next day Shane runs into him talks to him about how sore they are and he throws out this line I love this one. He says once you heal up, you'll never feel pain again. What? What?

That's what I wrote. So after we learned that parkour is the miracle mineral salts of vaulting handrails, we have to get to some god damn Jesus already. So they invite him to church group, but he's not a Christian. Right. He goes, I don't know. I'm not a Christian. I'm like, what are you? A Jew fuck you.'s not a Christian. Right, he goes, I don't know, I'm not a Christian.

I'm like, what are you? A Jew fuck you. You're a Christian. It's like every homeless guy that sits down, I was a committed atheist my whole life. Oh, were you a committed atheist? Really? Name one atheism book. One, name one. I'll suck your dick right now guy who just asked me for a dollar. The unbiable. yeah, so but no, but he's not a Christian But he wants to go hang out at church anyway, you know like like you do and then he gets a beep So he runs away like forest gump again, but first they promised to make his spirit sore Don't you need wires for that right you basically that when they wrote this script They were like look I want every line in this movie to be something you could say to someone before you rape them

And they were like done you got it So so now of course since they invited him to Bible study in the last scene We have to cut to the next scene which is him heading to Bible study with his girlfriend sweetheart. Yeah. This movie has full-scene establishing shots. And sweetheart is not okay with him going to this Bible study. No, no. She says among other things, they're too nice. It's not right. Okay, so I love those little windows that we get doing this because apparently when Christian sit down to write what the atheists would say about not liking christians in what would they not like it but the fact that we're just too nice keep in mind this is a writer who master based to himself in the me

were a bit of a perfectionist religion so that i guess that's our big problem that we're so perfect right and then he says to her will look if you don't want he says to her, well, look, if you don't want to go, we won't go. And she's like, I don't want to go. And he's like, I don't know. I think you should give it a chance. Yeah. Just fucking insane. Why write that line?

I have no idea. Line three and five had no idea what lines one and four were saying. Also, and this is fucking amazing. She turns to him. And this is exactly, hey, do you remember this? Okay, you have it too. Also, and this is fucking amazing. She turns to him, and this is exactly Heath. You remember this, this, okay, you have it too. Okay, ready? This is their dialogue. Parkour and religion are two different things. Yeah, and then he, he's a, he argues with this. He says, uh, parkour is our religion. Parkour is our religion. What? That's my new

tattoo. In case anyone wonders what I have tattooed on my chest right now that's Healing up very nicely. It's parkour is our religion So I guess like people with bad con vaults go to hell in this world For the people in this movie a con vault is a parkour move I we we should have told the director So because she doesn't want to go to Bible study she's like that's it I don't want to go to Bible study let me out of the car and instead of being a human He just pulls over lets her out of the car and she just wanders off into the mist to go home while he goes to Bible study Right, right can't even be like 15 minutes later by taking our home. No

Right, right. Can't even be like 15 minutes later by taking our home. No, that's the good guy in this movie Leaves his girlfriend at some random street so that he can go to Bible study Yeah, but of course if the last scene was heading to Bible study the next scene is gonna be Arriving at Bible study Which makes perfect sense because the last scene I guess right though the next scene is gonna be Bible studies so and because of the last scene, I guess. Right, though, the next scene is gonna be Bible studies. And he does a parkour appearance here. They're like waiting for him and he vaults up behind them and he's like, hey guys, it's me, Shane, I do parkour.

And they're like, yeah, man, you don't have to do that every time for you. And he was like, this sure do. This movie would be so much better. If Flyboy would just hurt himself every time he shows up or tries to sprint away, by the end, just like brews no tea he's doing wall runs with elbow crutches just stand up so much better please give us crazy billion or money so we can remake this movie with me as flyboy and I'll just throw myself at brick walls it'll just be

90 minutes of me being like oh oh my god this oh, my hand goes real hurt. It's real hurt. No, don't touch it. Don't touch it. I don't want to take off my shoe. Oh, oh, I'm too hurt to cry. I will knock the wind out of myself for 90 minutes if you give us crazy billion, or money. I was told I would make this film. I have the technology.

It's here on my phone. Ha ha ha ha. So then they had a Bible study where we're gonna meet the other character in this movie, Pastor Scott, who looks like Andrew Luck after his first round of chemo and radiation. Ha ha ha ha ha. Exactly.

Yes. Or maybe he was at Chernobyl Community College with the rest of the cats. Right, yeah. He looks like we've sent us at this week in Misogyny, three times into a mirror. Oh, get the fuck away. What are you doing here?

I'm so into being. So yeah, and of course, when Shane sees him, he's like, he's a pastor. Like, you know, he doesn't look stiff and pastory or whatever, but I wanted the next line to be, I expected a kid on his dick. But no. And the sexual tension between pastor Scott and Shane is palpable. More so than almost any movie we've ever seen between the characters that are supposed to want to fuck, yeah.

Oh, no question. Basically, he comes up and he's like, this is Shane. He's a free runner. And he's like, free runner, huh? and he's like this is Shane he's a free runner and he's like free runner huh and he's like yeah man I free run you free run yeah man I free run and they just like their faces get closer and closer and just like I want to stand with you it's fucking amazing it literally says sounds like something to see. And then he's like, oh, okay, time for me to leave the scene. Just fucking turns around and walks away. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I'm gonna violate my parole if I don't walk this way. So, but he does

not care apparently for the term free runner, actually. He does not have noticed that. Well, I think he was just trying to show off his French because he corrects the pastor for saying, for your runner, like it's the N word first of all it's a really weird tone and but then he says I'm a toss yeah except he does not come close to pronouncing the French correctly so he incorrected the pastor I guess. The fuck you would call it. Actually I prefer tracheer. Right exactly. It was much closer to trache. I mean, not a free run. Come on. So now we cut into the Bible study and this is great. This is one of those

instances where the the director wanted it to seem like there was conversation going on, etc. before this scene started. So we get with it. You know, we start with all right. Everybody calm down. But the only thing they have going on in the room is Tina cackling yes just eat the room haha haha shut the fuck up Tina the fuck was she laughing it she sounds like like an ex-girlfriend very clearly fake laughing at some of their dude as you walk up to the floor you have to run into them oh this is kale great great what is he funny stop touching his arm. Stop touching. You get it. Stop

So, yeah, so they're starting apparently a Bible study today. They're starting a study on the end times. Now Sit back, grab yourself a drink, make sure there's plenty of gas in the tank because this is about a 49-year scene where they talk about the basics of end time theology. Yeah, and I just wrote in my notes. I bet sweetheart is getting rammed right now. year scene where they talk about the basics of end time theology. Yeah. And I just wrote in my notes, I bet sweetheart is getting rammed right now. Also, the person doing the Bible reading in the many Bible reading scenes that we will enjoy in this film, never a strong reader.

No, here just flies through the English language. They all read the way I pronounce words And I love this too because like so like he's talking about how there's the anti-craster whatever and one of the people asks He's like why will people accept the false Jesus is it? He's like because they're gonna be magical false Jesus and then he actually Fosed that up with that makes sense and everyone nods This will happen again and again in these Bible study scenes. He will say the craziest shit I could come up with on the spot. Look at everybody and say make sense and like,

I'm, yeah, that makes perfect. Totally, I can, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, magic Jesus. He also points out, don't believe anyone who claims to be Jesus. And you can get your don't believe anyone who claims to be Jesus. T-shirts, that got awful movies. Yeah. Yeah. Well, don't believe anyone starting claims to be Jesus. T-shirts at God awful movies. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, don't believe anyone starting now. Starting after Jesus. Starting after Jesus. Starting then. Yeah, or before that. Right. And but then not after that. Or just don't, unless it's Jesus.

Yeah. Because later he says, Jesus will come back and we'll know it. Yeah, right. Only except Jesus if the factory seal is unbroken. It's not right. But again, starting now. Now. Yeah, right. Only except Jesus if the factory seal is on Broke the snap of it. Right. But again, starting now, now, starting now. Yeah, exactly. So he says, Jesus says, there'll be wars. And I know there were wars, but like wars, you know, and then this girl goes, well, remember when the whole

world went over like, what were one and two didn't people think that was like the wars Jesus was talking about? And he's like, yeah, totally, but like that turned out not to be it. people think that was like the wars Jesus was talking about and he's like yeah totally but like that turned out not to be it. So it's starting now. Exactly. He's talking now. So then he goes yeah it's going to be like giving birth and the camera cuts for the

first and last time to the only attractive girl in the scene. Yes. You have a still feeling the actor that the director the scene. And that's the way. Yeah, you have a still feeling the actor, that the director went Amber, yeah, Amber, and they cut away again. Very clearly thought she had a teen pregnancy and they were like, mmm, Amber, no, okay. By the way, they start talking about all the diseases

according to Andrew Luck with Cancer. Here's the list of all the diseases in the world. Okay. Ready? AIDS? Also HIV? Swine flu and malaria. It's important to know that gay people are spreading all that stuff. Also gay mosquitoes and gay pigs. Yeah, right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. right. Right. That's how that exactly most of those diseases come from homosexuals is an actual thing he says 25 minutes into this movie and I immediately paused it and messaged Noah. Yeah. 25 minutes. Yeah. This is where we learn that the theology in this movie is even more offensive than the parkour. The guy actually says basically think about all the fags and their aides and stuff. That's God right there telling them not to be all butt-fuck-y.

That's the message of this God damn scene is that because of the gays we have the aides which means the end time is coming. So if you were starting to feel bad about the shitty parkour artists, don't there also a bunch of asshole biggest. Yeah, exactly, exactly. It makes me feel better about all the things I'm about to say and all the things I've said right yeah exactly I love to go like and moving on to earthquakes well I guess there's not much need for explanation there I'm like yes there there

is but you know what I'm eager to change the subject to didn did you put mountains up to prevent those from happening that was a lot yeah that was a ha ha ha wrong only god in the universe who is a definite right and this is where shame has doubts well right he goes what i'm not a christian so why should i be worried about all this rapture stuff oh you'll you'll you'll burn in hell all right right burn in hell but then he asks why would gods send a good person to hell and I wrote bet

They don't answer that question. Oh, but they do they do the answer very well So you me and Tina are just like murderer. Yes Yeah We've all sinned, you know you me Tina Awkward pause You me Tina awkward pause So very clearly the pastor did some butt stuff with Tina Something we're all three of them did some butt stuff together sweet heart 69 ass play was in there probably Yeah, that's what she was laughing about before the scene started look at that scene. It's a consistent universe

Yeah, yeah, I just I love and this is honestly my favorite consistent theme of doing this movie is the fact that we get to listen to the arguments that Christian writers put in the mouths of non-believers because after like he says no no no you you will definitely burn in hell because you're just as bad as a murderer and an an a rapist too because you know you used the Lord's name and vain and touched yourself and he goes yeah okay no that makes sense but then why doesn't God just make us love him right he doesn't feel like making a rock that big what do you have different part of the script sorry hold on I'm flipping to page eight hold on and then

Shane just you know walks out and and rightfully so but he doesn't jump over anything or anything kind of a pussy way to leave the room. Which, as he left the room, and a yelled, jump over a fence or something. It's kind of his thing. And she says, he goes, you guys are trying to turn me Christian. And then at this Bible study, she goes, we're not trying to turn you into anything.

And I wrote in my notes, we're not trying to turn you into anything. People who are trying to turn you into something. That's what people who try to turn you into anything, and I wrote my notes. We're not trying to turn you into anything. People who are trying to turn you into something, that's what people who try to turn you into something say vampires, wear, wolves, and Christians, the cult club you're at in this scene. Yeah, exactly. So then we cut to the next day and he, him and crystal are, are practicing par core by repeatedly jumping over that same bike rack again. Yep, but they're having a little theological chit chat while they do it. Maybe I was railing jump wrong.

I don't know. I don't really jump. Jesus. It's about the basal ganglia. You got to just like relax it out. Yeah, it's important. We help you think. I just wanted to see the security guards at this building all like dying with laughter calling their friends over. There's a watch these two idiots jump over the same rail. 50 more times like they have OCDs. They'll, oh, it would have been fun. Are you going to kick us out?

You guys are fine. Yeah. No, we're just pressed by your part of a quarter of a skill. Show us one of them sub-results again. So I mean, God damn it. They look like Jay and Silent bob trying to sneak into the fucking animal lab that's their fucking parkour

serpentine serpentine but is but his argument well he's talking to crystal about how maybe he is a christian off after all is basically the bible is and if this is actually a direct quote but the bible is so accurate maybe they are right like The Bible is so accurate. Maybe they are right. Like, I'm about what? This is the other day I was swinging this baby against the rocks and they were right.

It felt good. It felt great. I felt blessed. I'm a reminder to this point, and I have several of these. I just wanna point out that there are actually our impressive park or vaults That can be done with a rail like that so that you guys know that there are people who could do back flips and handstands and shit

It's not just slowly heaving one thigh over it and then the other The way I get on to the toilet Okay, no I'm here and I'm in here get the winch Chris Christie said we could borrow his Small cover to sweat Don't feel good hold on the nets caught on my face. Let the net's So so of course now he has to go and the nets caught on my face. Let the nets caught on my face. We said, so, so of course, now he has to go,

Shane has to go back to see Pastor Scott. And his first question is, hey, you know all that stuff that you were saying so confidently, can you prove any of it is real? And he's like, well, no. No. And he actually,

like, isn't the fact that you're asking me prove enough? He's like, no, that's not how proof, nope, not in no way. This is his little questionnaire. He goes, do you believe he died on the cross? And he's like, yeah. And he's like, do you believe he rose from the dead? And he's like, yeah, of course.

And he's like, yeah, because those are both established facts. Do you think he did it because he loves you? And it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. The first proposition is iffy. the second proposition is know the fuck way Take me back to step two Well, did you think that like well no, I think he I agree he was a zombie just not a magic zombie Not an immortal magic zombie. I look look i know that frosty the snowman exists i just don't know that he was a holly jolly sort

yeah and so yeah he even says at one point too when he's talking about the Jesus rising from the dead he's like yeah there's tons of evidence that Jesus rose from the dead blood's moving on moving on um and then of course he has to throw in the like the really ham-fisted parkour tie and he's like, you know all the facts. You just have to jump. Wait, do it again, say leap, it's the title. You go right, you go right, you go right. There'll be two trite if we say leap here.

Okay, good. We want to keep this tasteful guy. Yeah, exactly, exactly. We wouldn't want it to be trite. And then he gives him the Bible and he's He gives in the Bible and Justice is about to leave he goes shame and I wrote my notes I love you but no you're like you're welcome anytime Yeah, and he does this throughout the movie the pastor he does this like

Colombo oh one last thing at the end of every scene is in. And this time, it's like, hey, Shane, you know, if you don't believe in this nonsense, that's, you can still give us money and work for free as a slave. Like, that's, that's cool if you want. Yeah, thanks, but you don't have to say that. Everyone accepts free money and free labor. That's everyone in the universe.

Come in and show me your glutes again. You know, that'd be fine too. So, yeah, so now we come to the next training montage, which basically just starts with Shane going, so this is the beginning of the next scene. You'll be sore again today, the Eli Bosnick story. Yeah. And this is where he gives him the philosophy

of parkour. The philosophy of parkour. The philosophy of parkour. So the first thing you need to know is that there are an unlimited number of ways to move. Wait, hold on, hands up. Incorrect. Incorrect. There are clearly less than infinity ways to move in mind.

In mind? In many points of particular. What about this way? And then this way, that's two already. I can probably think of And not an internet about more The movement version of eventually we're gonna run out of music So Basically they've got like this like three and a half foot ledge that they're gonna practice

Moving their way over and he demonstrates the four easiest possible ways to get over a Legend then he says but let's start with something easier and I'm like what just running into it and Spelling overhead first getting thrown over it by a bouncer. Yeah But he wants to show him a move he invented Mm-hmm. Yeah, first of all he not invent, you can't invent jumping over a ledge. That's all he talks about. He calls it, he calls it the granny vault. And then fucking Tina jumps in and she's like, granny vault, because she doesn't know how to pronounce letters in English. And my no, here is did she come or what? Tell the where he toss, tell

the where he toss. Did she? So then we get another black and white learning parkour montage. And this is 33 minutes of this goddamn movie is just black and white and these people vaulting over the same ledge, over and over again. Yeah, this movie is parkour montage, church group, parkour montage, church group, parkour montage church group parkour montage kidnapping murder That is I just summed up the entire

Oh damn thing. Yeah, but they really he went all out with eye movie on this He had black and white slow motion also music note for this sweet sweet parkour montage How about this guitar lick will you sleep with me now? Parkour Montage, how about this guitar lick? Will you sleep with me now? Pfft! Still not. Can we get some music to cover up the grunting vomit noises they make every time they roll over something? Just blah blah! All right, well, with guitar, perfect. And now, now we get, I think, I get so fucking hard, because there's so many grins in the scene.

Right! But this is the, have you ever had to use parkour in real life conversation? What could that possibly mean? What? How? Who used parkour? I have seen parkour used once in a movie, and it was because James Bond was chasing somebody.

Yeah, right. Right. That's the only, no one would ever ask that question. But of course his response is, I don't know, someday this will all come full circle, full circle, full circle. If you look ahead past this shadow, I'm foreshadowing. Well, okay. foreshadow. He says. But what if later in this movie you had to use your sweet assisted low-walled jumping skills to save our lives? Would you believe in God then?

And then Michael asks Sarah out on a date. Oh, yes, yeah. Uh-huh. He's like, where do you want to go? And he just grins creepily. Yeah. If a guy asks you out and you ask him what he has in mind, and then he just smiles like a serial killer and says nothing. He's probably a serial killer. He doesn't like to talk very much.

Yeah. No, he's going to wear your skin into the night. That's the, yeah, exactly. That was like he has in mind. The clear implication of this scene, you know, Fiji, your own face So they go on their date and apparently he's taking a repelling so that we can get a six-minute repelling montage to the fucking porn for women's soundtrack. Yeah, my music known here was just a reminder the buffet closes at eight And really you should leave the seafood alone after 2pm. That's just, those are heat lamps.

My music note was, Samus just found a guitar can. I wonder what's gonna happen. And this repelling montage is supposed to be like, Christians can be into some pretty awesome shit to you guys, but it could not look more like they had to put porn music over it because it was very clearly like uh No, no, no, no, too fast too fast They look like two middle aged people who decided to do this on a cruise right Christianity everyone gets delayed gets blade. I mean your mom decided to put the spark back in and so there's a I don't know if you

know the Henderson's boy but he's starting up his own repelling business. You got the ropes and everything. You got a group on. Your mom's not going to come but that's fine. So then we have to wrap this up with a scene of them like packing the ropes up from the repelling so that we can get all the sweet flirting or what was I guess that was supposed to be going on here. Here's the dialogue.

Heath, do this scene with me. All right. All right, I'll be the girl. Wow, that was really amazing. How did you learn to repair like that? Oh, self, don't do myself. Really? Two, three, four.

No, no, just the kiddo. Just the kiddo. Uh, is the scene over? That's literally the joke of the scene is I taught myself. Really? No. That's not it. She like, you could.

And then he asks her, if you knew the world was gonna end tomorrow, what would you do? And she's like, I think I'd spend it praying, and I wrote, I had a very, very different answer to you. That's literally her answer. If I had 24 hours left to live, I'd spend it praying for a different hypothetical scenario. Right. Exactly. But stuff. Oh, no, yeah, me praying too. I would pray with you though. That's what I was going to say, too. Slowly puts his dick away.

Don't look down the ropes. Look up there where we came from. The ropes are a grow or not a show. Yes. Look my Adam's apple. So then we cut over to a Dushane reading the Bible. And of course, this is where you have to have the obligatory Christian movie flashback to thing that just happened a few minutes ago. Right. Shane has a vision of himself as the worst version of Assassin's Creed ever. He's standing at the top of a not even high garage.

ever. I'm standing at the top of a not even high garage. No, I could stand on my chair right now and I would be about the height that Shane is in this scene, but he's supposed to be like on a mountain top. Yeah, right. Yeah, the music I know what I had here is they're making Conan even stronger. My music knows Rocky attending a Catholic funeral with a Requiem. I'm sorry. Gonna fly boy now. My music note was C-D-E, C-D-E, C-D-E, C-D-E, C-D. Right. It's like Mary had a little lamp and also a 16-bar solo on her Simon toy. And then and I have a theory about this moment in the movie. And then he closes his eyes to like promise his life to Jesus. And the picture on the screen disappears completely black.

And it's completely black. And I think the people who made this movie think that if a character's eyes are closed, the movie has to be dark. I guess so. I wrote that in my, because yeah, we just get this completely black screen for like 45 seconds and then I wrote my nose. Oh my god, it's because his eyes were closed. I started expecting the movie to blink from that point on. Which is just be like four picture and pictures of all the characters and like three of them are sleeping. So it's three quarters black. So yeah then we're treated to some more awesome

reading out loud on screen and this is this is where he realizes that six six six is a thing and we're supposed to believe that he just learned about that. Yeah. And I wrote my notes at this point. Shane's going to solve who's haunting the water park. That is absolutely what they sell you with this, isn't it? But before we find out if he's really solved the mystery of the water park, we're going to have to pause for a quick break so that we can accidentally do better park more than these guys on the way to take a piss. But before we do that, let me give back to you the hard sell. Will the gang use their sweet parkour skills to save souls? Will evil atheists kidnap them at gunpoint

to prevent people from turning their lives to Christ? Will Shane wear a sleeveless shirt to a funeral? Find out that the answers to these questions are actually yes when we return for the demented conclusion of... leap. the DEMENTED CONCLUSION OF. LEAP. Hey guys, great workout. Great workout indeed, in Jai-yai-sus-nyeam. In Jai-sus-nyeam, yes, so you're going to put our sweet moves on the YouTube. Well, I was thinking, you know we're not just amazing at parkour, but we're also incredible actors. Sure do, I sure do, yeah.

Pyrogues. Well, what if instead of just sharing our sweet parkour moves, we also shared the loving word of Jesus as well? Dude, that is sick idea, yeah. Hmm, mousse and squirrel. But wait, we don't have cameras. How are we going to make awesome movie if we have no camera? Don't worry.

We can use the cameras on our sweet 1992 Nikon fans. Turbillar! SX trafficking. He isn't his blumpkin toilets. And we're back for more of this shit and if you'll recall the golden rule of successful filmmaking, you can never have too many Bible study montages you'll know already that we're going to return for more of anemic andrew luxe-selling you gym baker buckets this time at a gazebo yeah because bible study can be fun yeah well and of course the first six and a

half minutes of biblical exposition wasn't enough to get it all in i guess uh... and this is where we get tina opening the scene by reading and Tina is not a strong reader. Yeah, you barely speak English. Why don't you give us a start here? I no longer need porn. I will only masturbate to Tina sweating while she tries to read from now on. That all is fantastic. And Burkett is the heck.

I came. And again. And also we get a lot more of the ridiculous child like Sesame Street explanations of the End Times prophecy. At one point he goes, no, incontinent could mean lacking self-control. And I'm like, well, yeah, the other definition is Inabilitinus officially controls once defecation so that's probably what Jesus meant Yeah, he was probably not talking about that and that's the end of the world that I want to see where everyone just Sins self simultaneously everyone in the world just like oh

Oh I would apologize, but apparently you've done it too and he's he's comparing this to Primarital sex in continents is like pre yeah, so so premarital sex is like shooting in a diaper Pretty accurate my experience. Oh, you know, depends on what you're into you get a point Yeah, I gotta admit though. I've never had too many tacos and then premarital sex in the cab on the way back home. I'm so sorry man, I'll pay for you to clean this thing. I'm just oh premarital sir! Yeah, you actually says I don't want to get into what those words actually mean here in the book, but it clearly means that God hates fags.

Yeah, he gets sort of coined, he's like, you know, it does say cling to your wife. If you know what I mean, and I want to know what he means, because the cling to your wife is no sacs act that I can do. I mean, I'm a big boy, so I understand that the suspension possibilities for me and my fiance are limited, but I'm just saying cling to your wife has never, I've never elbowed Heath and been like like sorry guys got to go cling to my wife you know what i mean i will for now on but well right obviously

what kind of sex this pastor scott have where he's just like don't go yeah well yeah he's he's he's clinging to everyone he's ever had sex with us but then they start shit talking the secret and and i'm down with that i mean we can all get into that but their problem is that they're doing wish magic wrong apparently well he says sadly these people have been disillusioned

they've been illusioned rea they've been illusions not illusioned right yeah, they've been illusions not illusioned Michael Exactly And then he literally says he's like it's like prayer, but fake yeah, everyone goes yeah, but fake Real quick how is ours different cut cut sorry, I just Every time he says it can you not pause can you just go? What did I say our starts now starting now that's how ours is different exactly i wrote in my notes here this movie is my son and stars i would eat a horse's heart in front of

it and the thing that they're trying to point to over and over again is like oh look at this thing that the bible said it'll happen right before uh... the end times look at says that will have a lot of technology and learn a lot of stuff to which the Michael character actually says it's crazy. It's got our time written all over it like with the airplanes and the internet. He actually says those words. I wrote it as a joke because he goes it says in the Bible people will run to and fro and I wrote my notes.

People do run to and fro and then Michael says that who basically yeah he's like look fro to we do all this stuff this is amazing looks over at Shane member the free running you went back and forth over the rail like it said but here's the thing though and I love it and by the way you get these same things with the curse wheel freaks or whatever they like they're like look at all the technologies like anytime in the last five hundred years you could have said that you know this movie five hundred years ago the guy would have been going like yes with all these team ships into door knobs just like today yeah anyway um so yeah we're we're we're all living in a time later than all the other times in history. Coincidence, they think not.

So then Shane asks his question about the mark of the beast. He's quite concerned, Shane is. Yeah, he's been doing some sleuthic. Yeah. And it looks like he's been on the internet. He brought like printouts, like he prayer fucking map quests, like he used to. Just to have whoever was in the

driver seat just screaming at them right on what right on when do I take the right just forever just forever right yeah he's talking about the microchip credit cards yeah and he thinks this is like this Satan thing going on and basically he's saying like Alex Jones told me these uh microchip credit cards or an evil government plot and then he's like take a look at this piece of paper. I wrote it down and the pastor's like you You mean you wrote down the sentence you just set out loud Yeah, take a look at the way past a blank piece of paper to each other back My notes here just say credit cards are the mark of the beast by the end of this movie jet feel won't have burned that hot

holy shit and and then the and then he goes like i get the six six six thing but what does it mean and i just wrote my notes betty doesn't say nero this is so incredibly not a mystery we know exactly what john was talking about in revelation there is no fucking mystery here whatsoever the christians are trying to create one but we know it's goddamn Nero all right this is a solved mystery we already know where Amelia Earhart's fucking airplane is stop talking about it yeah she got a period and crashed so then they start talking about you know know, the mark of the beast and how you'll need to

like have a tattooed, a bifood and all of that stuff. Because apparently these assholes have not done their homework and watched three rapture trilogies. But let's throw this out there. Because they do give the best, why would everyone get a tattoo reason? And I've ever heard in any of the movies he goes, the girl goes, why would people get a tattoo? And he goes, if Jesus goes, why would people get a tattoo? And he goes, if Jesus told you to get a tattoo, would you?

And I just had a flash cut in my mind to me and Jesus had a tattoo parlor drunk and he's like, dude, get it! Oh, he's gonna get it dude! Oh, it's gonna look so good. It's gonna look so good. It's gonna look so good. Right above, yeah, whelter. Yeah.

I'm gonna close my eyes for a second, but I'm awake. I'm not asleep Crazy billionaire money. I will just insert that scene of me and Jesus at the tattoo bar there So that's love you man. We're gonna remember these forever You know, I may know not know you from never but I'll remember you because I got this This chicks tits tattooed on my face And we can press our cheeks together for pictures. It'll be great. But I love too that he throws out this little bit at the end.

He's like, now I don't want you to worry about accidentally getting the mark of the beast. Because that's crazy. Yeah. Oh man, I bumped into this tattoo gun. Yeah, exactly. Don't worry about tripping and falling onto a hot 666 brand crazy and i bumped into this tattoo gun exactly do you know about tripping and falling onto it

hot six six six brand right on your face that that wouldn't even count now yet that's an accident a bar mitzvah that's how it works god god allows for back to so right i guess that he does so if you were thinking to yourself, I love all this Bible study,

but what about another black and white montage of unimpressive parkour? Well, this movie's got you covered because that's what we've got up next. Yeah, now it's how to jump up a wall. And my music note for this montage was, I gotta have faith, the faith, the faith. My note was George Michael can still play at the glory hole one. Yeah so it

starts off with him explaining how a wall run works and then he's like and let me show you and then he just pulls himself up on wall with his hands. Yep. Also fun game to play because at this point we're on our 87th montage. If you want to enjoy these parkour montages a little more just add sound effects and swearing just be like fuck Why was so funny about this montage do is because what they're doing is very simple like the average person if they were getting chased by a dog Would just do this naturally or whatever But they're trying to make it look really hard and they can't because these people are at least good enough at parkour to do this So like the like Michael actually just physically runs face first into the wall at one point Tina takes a couple of head plans to yeah, I mean watching her run headfirst into this wall over

It's almost as good as listening to her be half illiterate like remember these two things get combined somehow I will never leave my room and will oh well I would but I'd still be jerking it. Yeah Outside of my room too So then we they finish up that wall running montage we go back to Shane's house where we get to finally see him shirtless Shane takes off his shirt and he has perfect Muscle shirt tan lines. They are the most beautiful thing. They are different races His arms are fucking Alex jewels and his chest is me. It's fucking incredible I've never seen someone so clearly painted white on their torso.

So he changes his shirt for no reason just because he wanted to make sure everybody saw his sweet abs and then Sweetheart shows up as parkour girlfriend shows up and dammit if he didn't forget their anniversary remember from that I've seen earlier Yeah, and she's pissed and he is totally from that I've seen earlier. Yeah, and she's pissed. And he is totally unapologetic about missing their anniversary. Yeah, he's just like, oh, I was hanging out with my Jesus friends. Sorry, I had to go run up a wall kind of sorta. And then she sees his crucifix and Christian movie bingo. This is where we get Christian equals rapist because he's like, yeah, I'm a Christian now.

And she practically throws up on the floor. It's like the scene from the goddamn woods, man. She's like, oh, that's, that's you. And he goes, but honey, there are things in there in the Bible that it predicted in their coming true. Like it said, there will be wars and diseases in earthquakes. I mean, come on, how could they have known? I just ran to and fro. I'm telling you this

So yeah, so she storms out to go fuck three random black men and He calls up his Christian buddies for a little Christian powwow session because he's feeling a little depressed and I wrote my notes here like I know that one could say how the fuck are there still 30 minutes left here But I'm writing how are there only 30 minutes this movie has not started yet and I would watch this movie if it was 27 hours long I would watch just Bible montage park where montage by but I would literally I would watch this in Infinity there's no comment. I don't know if you guys know this but there's an infinite amount of ways you can move and so I would literally I would watch this in infinity. There's no common. I don't know if you guys know this But there's an infinite amount of ways you can move and so I would watch an infinite combination of these scenes forever and I

Pause the movie at this point and I asked my fiance if she would break up with me for being a Christian And she would not break up with me for being a Christian, but she would quote Break up with me for having tan only arms like a cigar store Indian. So that's anus myths input on what she would and would not break up. We're referring to barcours is PK probably that might do it too. So now while they're talking and trying to cheer him up, they have this sweet idea on how they could use their paracord skills to show for Jesus Yeah, and Tina says we should get T-shirts and that's when I first realized that she was the shut up fat friend of this movie

And this is where I'm just speaking to Tina. I spent the rest of this movie just like shut the fuck up Tina Jesus Tina. I will stab you in your throat and she really reacts every time. Say the meanest shit you can, really get it out. Get all your anger out of Tina. She deserves it and she reacts like you said it. And she can take it. Tina's just like Don Rickles in this movie. I just want to fuck her scalp. So no, I want to point out two things just that really demonstrated how bad this movie is

about this scene. First of all, later on, they're going to be in T-shirts, so they felt like they needed to establish at this point in the movie where they got those T-shirts. And secondly, during this scene, there's music playing in the background, like they're listening to music while they're all hanging out. And then the soundtrack chimes in towards the end of the scene, but the music in the background does not cut out So they're both playing for like 11 seconds. Well, he says I don't know about you guys, but I need a stealth run Let's go to the next scene and all of our notes here are exactly the same which is oh apparently a stealth run is Hopping back and forth across the fence The fact that stealth run does not naked, rail jumping orgy is incredibly

disordered. That's what it means when I know it. Well, it's a good thing I own naked, rail jumping orgy on DVD. So also, music note for their Stealth Run. Oh, man, there's going to be a boss fight. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I need to find a bonfire.

I need to find a bonfire. But my music note was, Dugi Houser just got Wanda pregnant. Big trouble. Big trouble. And they have this quick moment where he's like, where are we gonna do Christian Park Corps for people? And I wrote, you could do it in traffic. Do it in traffic. How a slaughterhouse.

Turn oval. I want you to all die. Everyone in this movie should die. My notes get dark. This whole dialogue sounds so ridiculous. I don't know how these actors manage to stress every single syllable incorrectly. Right. They also have like an automated phone menu had a stroke or something. It makes no... It's like Siri didn't learn English yet, but she's doing stuff in the English world. I don't know. And, too, when they finally decide where they can go to their park where they're like,

what about at the college where all of the park or seats have taken place so far? They're like, yeah, maybe there. That would be a good idea. But before we get to see that, we've got to go back for more fucking Bible study. Right. And he opens this by saying, okay, tonight I want to address a controversial issue and I wrote, don't hold back, man, really go for it.

Yeah, right. Right. I didn't feel that disclaimer was necessary for the gayness offence Jesus portion of the program. No, but he's going to argue about whether or not Jesus comes first or Jesus comes second or whatever the fucking thing They're gonna argue about whether the rapture happens before or after the tribulation. Oh, all right Well, that's some tricky shit. Well, okay, so there's actually a really good reason for them to be bringing this up And this is then honestly the one thing that they maybe did need a Bible study montage for Is because most Christians accept this pre-tribulation rapture, right?

Because how can you possibly think that God's not a total dick if he sends you through all this torture and hell, and then sucks all the good people up to heaven? But the Bible does say it the other way. So this is how they're trying to establish for the later movies. No, no, no, all the good Christians have to make it all the way through the tribulation

before they get raptured. So that's the controversy god hates fags no we all we all agree on that whether the christians get vacuum light vacuumed up to heaven before or after that's controversial we got a tip to our way into that now we we already booked this cast for three whole movies that's a lot of money invested i wrote my notes at this point if i was in a room with the guy who made this movie and Hitler and I had a gun with two bullets I would shoot the guy who made this movie twice. Yeah, right just make sure he's down

I'd ask him if you believe then God first with a voice modulator or something like that And then we also get this incredibly telling line right here, right? So like one of the characters is like, but why would people believe in like the left behind books and stuff if the bible says otherwise to which he says most people don't read their bibles they just blindly accept what they're told instead of blindly accepting one thing yeah how do we know the bible is the right one with all the rights to well if you open up the Bible and you can clearly see that you know it words yeah see Jay whirlman and now it's time for some sweet guitar music and some

sweet park or action we've been building up to this the home movie apparently and now it's time for them to Christianize the world with their skills It's Kong hits for Jesus. Let's do it. Oh And it is so good. So first of all all the extras in this scene. Oh my god, they are my everything They're so bad. How can even the extras be terrible? I mean you would think Ridge or board just stand there would be achievable But no no everyone walks past them in a perfect cardin And they're very scary

Right camera it's almost like the sun was bad in this Like they're walking into a bank. Yeah was bad in this movie. They're walking into a bank. Yeah, it's But then their sweet parkour gather's a crowd of literally tens of people y'all literally And then they look at each other and they have this like oh yeah moment and they all start just doing the Lemus parkour like it's not choreographed. It's not impressive. They're just like okay up with stare down a stare down a stare crawl up and down summer salt now I hurt myself that's literally it and I wrote in my notes if someone shouts fags in the crowd I would just move me lift the craft style on my chest cuz that's what would happen they'd be like and I would go baggots and they'd be like, and I would go, baggots,

and they'd be like, oh, come on, it would be exciting. It's true, it's cool. You know what I mean? I don't think you're homeless. I think you're bad. I'm using it as a negative term.

We all know what I mean, because I hate what you're doing. And who you are. It's so rough. It's like watching, like a street performer play air guitar. Just to ride these badly somehow. I don't know how he's messing up notes on the air guitar, but he's doing it. And then he's got like ace of base with him behind him also pretending to play air guitar.

It's just horrible. It's that fucking bad. It really is. At that point, like that's what I really started to look at. And I'm just like, I'm gonna go outside and run up some or some goddamn it fuck these people But the crowd is blown away. They're cheering. They're amazed You know then wow some of those moves make up must have taken two tries to get right Um, and so then they step to the to the front to give their Jesus feel Which is where I realized that Shane had cut the sleeves off of his shirt So I really didn't hear as Jesus' feel. Well, he basically goes, now we want to talk to you about Jesus, and I wanted so badly again for everyone in the crowd to be like,

BOOM! You're right. We want to do something even less entertaining than our shitty parkour. It takes a little mini-survey of the crowd, and he goes, who here thinks they're going to heaven? what's amazing is okay if you watch this movie there's a girl with a squid on her shirt and when he asks everybody who thinks they're going to heaven she does not raise her hand I don't know what squid girl did but 607 seven okay I'm alright

haha calm this squid girl holy wherever you are but yes squid girl doesn't raise her hand. And then he basically he explains that everyone who's hand is raised that doesn't believe in Jesus, they're not going to have an, and he has bibles for them. And then 99.99% of the people who are watching them leave. Yeah, right. Exactly.

They got that part right anyway, but four people wanted bibles, so they're pretty excited. Yeah, I could have sold this crowd more time shares at fucking club meds and the giveaway by bills here is ridiculous unreal so then they had back to uh... to youth pastor camp or whatever to brag to pastor scott about all the new christians they may and pastor scott so excited about the possibilities he's he's like and if you try a few more times and iron out the the wrinkles maybe you'll be able to go downtown with it. Yeah I wrote downtown you crazy motherfucker.

Look man I don't know if I can do it but I'll pull some strings and see if I can get you into the lower part of the city. And then we get the threatening letter. Oh, my fucking God. So this is his Colombo moment, right? They're all about to walk out and he goes, Oh, one more thing before you go. I received an ominous warning for you.

It's not a big deal. Just a few people in ski masks and voice modulators showed up. They dropped off this letter of magazine cut out. Yeah, right. First, I didn't really think anything of it, but it might be about you guys. The Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr And he asks who would do this and Tina goes atheists. Yeah Yeah, shut the fuck up Tina. I will stab you in your heart. I'll stab you right in your fucking I'll stab you through the back of your chest Tina. I'll cut you wide open So now I want to make sure that we emphasize this correctly This is the actual letter that he hands the people I wrote it down

This these are the words they read dear Christians. You're doing a good job But you're fighting for a lost cause stop doing your parkour ministry this will be your only warning yeah you're doing a good job yeah jerk off into the mirror guy could not write a movie wouldn't acknowledge that he was doing a good job it was like hey man why would the atheist put a compliment in there because it's fucking me That's why that's why they put a compliment in there because I'm so fucking great even fucking Sam Harris when he black Mills me to stop my sweet Christian parkour would have to give me a compliment Just Sam and Daniel Dennett trying to work out the letter. What if we said what you're doing a good job

But you should stop. Oh, yeah. Compliments, Sam much, compliments, sandwich. Also, I'm like 90% certain that this is the same prop blank piece of paper that they used when he had a crap. I'm quite certain they did not buy us a huge paper budget. We spent everything on these vertically striped shirts um... so so yeah but she's not worried he crumbles that paper up confidently because they

don't need the papers of ruff for later this time i guess and then we end with the scooby gang laughing kind of a close here you know well because michael goes god won't let anything happen to us where the kings of careful and then c-r-nudge him and he goes and queens. I bet he improvised that. That was funny. So if you're wondering when the movie is going to kick in, this is the moment you've been waiting for. So now, Shane and Tina are walking down the street trying to figure out what to do in the next scene. When he says, hey, you guys want to go see, you want to call the guys and see if they

want to go see a movie? She's like, yeah, good idea. So she pulls out her phone, literally just puts it to her head and starts talking. Yeah. She gets connected impossibly fast. She might as well have a cup with a string and she's just talking to him right away. But then just as they're trying to sort out what movie they're going to go see, a black van opens up and masked bad guys come out. But I should be clear, this is a black

minivan. This is not right. This was someone's mom's car. Yeah. Oh, yes. So and the one, the one kidnapper is in a mask with the other guy. He's just wearing a baseball. Yeah. So, and the one, the one, uh, kidnap her is in a mask, but the other guy, he's just wearing a baseball. Apparently he thought any headwear was fine, like ski mask, baseball is all the same. And I'm guessing his name was Brian. Just probably Brian. Brian, you're supposed to have your face go fuck you.

All right. So, but then we cut to Tina and, uh, and Shane waking up, tied in the van. I said tied in the van, cause I just assumed that they'd be tied up But no they've put bandanas over their eyes and left them completely otherwise freely able to move Yeah, interesting choice there so yeah, so now we're back to that scene that we saw at the very beginning where Crystal but she's got the fake voice thing in the thing wrapped around her head

So we don't know it's crystal is asking them if they believe in God She's like we warned you to stop preaching, but you wouldn't listen And then she asked Tina does she believe in God and holds a gun to her throat and Tina says no No, she exactly Tina denies God and then she turns to shame Exactly Tina denies God and then she turns to Shane Right and Shane is like I'm not gonna tell you if I believe in God because I don't know who you are So she takes off her mask Yeah, and drops the voice that why would you start with that stuff if you're just gonna take it off Well if the plan was to shoot him anyway, why does it matter?

But yeah, yeah as we'll discover in this following chasing, they're not paying much attention to wise in this movie. Cause costumes are fun, that's why. I guess that's it. So she asked some of these Christian and he's like, I am Christian. And then just as she's about to shoot him, Tina Tackle!

Yeah, she jumps up and they're like, oh, I knew we should have tied their wrists or something. But no, they wrestle and we get this amazing gunshot sound. Yeah. Kapoo. Yeah. It's like they stepped on a can or something. And then they jump out of the van.

Except the van is clearly not moving. Okay, so we have two shots of this jumping out of the van scene one from outside one from inside The inside one the the van's like obviously just idling You know guys got his foot kind of on the break But the other shot where we see it from the outside they didn't even put a fan up to make his hair blow No clearly just stepping out of a parked van and looking left and right They didn't even put it on a road. I mean there No, we're no more climbing

there on one of these highways with like parking spots on the side of it. And, you know, my way, if they're just in a parking lot now. Hey, he jumps out of a van into a summer salt. I'll have you. Well, right, right, because he's parkour badass. But yeah. And then, of course, Tina runs, jumps out out too and she runs the other way and then sweetheart jumps out and shoots and murders Tina. That's right. Shoots and murders, Tina! Tina dies here.

Tina dies. Shut the fuck up Tina and it's beautiful she just lays there. And so then she turns the other way where she is running away from her she has a gun she has twenty feet away from her but she has used two bullets up yeah right right and it clearly has no compunctions about shooting and murdering someone so what is she do then

well i'm i'm hoping at this point that they just like start running after each other and they jump over the same rail over and over she's got got the gun. He doesn't, but she can't shoot from the wrong side of the rail. So it's this long drawn out parkour. You only got two wishes left then he's only two wishes left. It's actually even dumber than that. She's holding the gun on him. He turns and runs. She throws the gun away. He throws the gun away and runs after him. Now, one of those two shooters. So I see. I see. Well, I see. There are two. The and run she throws the gun away throws the gun away and runs after him now so i see i see

well i see there are two the the main question obviously is why the fuck would she throw the gun away but the other question is why would he keep running once she's thrown the gun away or get this girl is twelve pounds oh yeah absolutely absolutely there is nothing no no reason whatsoever for her to be chasing her. Him to be running at this fucking point. Once you drop the gun, you just run her a little bit further off of that.

And then you turn around and she'll be like, oh, fuck yeah. Should have kept that. Yeah, right. That's what, oh, yeah, gun. Gun would have been good. Look, I don't want to be that guy, but aside from Cali, right? I can beat up all the women I know. That's all I'm saying.

Yeah, this could be Ronda Rousey. You just do a little circle and you go back to the gun and you're like, oh, over. I would. Yeah, well, right, right, yeah, that too. Well, but that's just the thing about it is that like the rest of this movie is going to be essentially this chase scene or whatever. And the whole time it's like, but there's no reason for anyone to be chasing anyone. They're just running and this chasing is so rich it makes the naked gun look serious they like climb up on top of monkey bars and then jump back down again it is fucking far so illogical to like he climbs up on a thing at one point she climbs up I was like

why wouldn't you just stay on the ground he has to climb back down that thing you can't have time out scopes your face. We said Skopes are bass. We said that I named it TV show you have to stop And also like so what are they saying here like if she Tags him the atheists win what what what what what I don't understand post even be happening here I don't understand post even be happening here So and also to the whole time I'm watching this as as a bit of a parkour enthusiast I'm walking by I'm like man

They're running by all these awesome spots for parkour and I keep seeing things like oh Oh, I see out the way those walls are they're gonna do a corner run no no They're just gonna run by and jump over that bench aren't no vault over that bench. Wow right wow Just don't run towards obstacles either, though. I mean, I feel like that's your first lesson. Yeah, parkour chase, like plain grass is the easiest thing to parkour. You can just come and around things.

That's because he's a trackie. Yeah. All right, right, exactly. So now we get to, we come full circle, I guess. Now we're to that leap of faith scene that he was dreaming about earlier. He suffered some first. He passes the copper dog statue that you have to run towards, which was cool. And you know, he gets over it and she, and now, yeah, now they're on a roof.

I don't know where I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. And again, it's, it's, it's six feet off the ground. Yeah, you can stand on heathed shoulders and be taller than this job. Yes, yes, absolutely. So he's like standing there like and she's like nowhere to go now and he's like, well I mean I could just like lower myself down with my hands too. I mean it's not even like it's not like there's a fucking ocean in front of them or a fucking cliff you'd have to dive off of

It's a running track. I could jump on to this Ladder balanced between two stair cars that Buster Keaton's riding on That's kind of out of the way Nobody has to do this is leap of faith thing now look I've seen this jump that he's doing done impressive right. I've seen it done from a second story rule for whatever where you actually do jump from like 18 feet up right into the roller whatever it looks amazing And you're like Jesus Christ had it not break every bone in his body But this is like like most of us have fallen this far at some point yeah

Every single time he falls down he falls through falls down he falls through the yeah so he jumps he has enough faith in Jesus in his parkour skills so he jumps she jumps after him but breaks her fucking ankle and the ankle breaking noise could not be less realistic the angle breaking noise is basically

someone being like correct go the bones and her ankle i had three popsicle sticks being broken at once but yeah basically yeah holy shit and so then we cut to michael and cr who are apparently waiting at his apartment for him to get home i don't know why um but uh you know he he comes running in all freaked out and everything and for some reason they chose the the soundtrack for this to be like a microphone sitting near broiling pasta sauce I don't know why but it sounded like they were recording on Dagaba anyway so

Shane has to tell him that Crystal tried to kill him and killed Tina well the way he tells them is fucking crazy he goes goes, I mean, I was running, but I heard, heard what? Gunshots. Maybe she missed. Maybe we can glue her back together. And that's how he says, maybe she missed. He's like, oh, I'll help solve this.

Maybe we make her into a jigsaw puzzle and I fix it. Okay. I have banded. I have all the King's horses and all the King's men will figure this out. It's not on brand banded it is brandish it's called bandish but but honestly though their actual solution is almost as stupid they're like well maybe she didn't get shot in dead maybe she's at bible studies so they go to bible study to find out if she's dead and it turns out that yes this time. Yeah, she's dead and there are

Two people there like four people that aren't them and this Bible study and pastor Scott's like little speeches Basically as you may have noticed Tina was murdered everyone grab a tea light and Light him you yeah, you might have noticed Tina was a little too dead from bullets to make it tonight. Yeah, that's not been done. It's no excuse to miss a meeting, but you know, it's not time to blame people right now. I feel like that would be inappropriate. And this is where we realize that Pastor Scott is wearing his extra special Christian Ed Hardy t-shirt

to the memorial. He really went all out. It's awful, nice of him. So then we have to, we go to the the we're taking you off the case scene or whatever So they're back in pastor scott's office the team is and he's like I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to break up the parkour Team it's gotten too dangerous And he's it's too dangerous to be a parkour minister in these times You said that copper dog statue out there. What if it's a tiger statue next time?

You don't know. And then he basically says, look, we're going to keep doing it. And he goes, if you do this, we have to disavow all knowledge of you. His youth minister will self-destruct in the late 30s. Right. And so Flyboy argues back about like shutting down his park or ministries like if anything we don't have time not to be parkour missionaries bright

what's the sound of one parkour clapping exactly exactly and as if this movie wasn't fucked up enough we then get this bizarre revelation pastor scott now turns to shane and goes did you turn her in and he goes i'm sorry i can't

like what the pigeon the murder they're a badger teen is murder yup the murderer right yeah that's what's going on here is there like he's like as he was my girlfriend

she's the first person to lever ever let me put it in her butt and everything. I just can't bring myself to turn her in for Merr On this movie is so wonderful This movie is everything they wrote this down they watched this movie they like this movie They thought it was worthy of YouTube yes and I love to that all the other people in the room of course are now complicit in the murder too right like like Pastor Scott you two are committing a felony by not turning her anyway but instead of worrying about

that they start explaining how Tina is burning in hell. Yeah, this movie's final message is Tina. Fuck you. Well, right, okay. So he's saying, he says like, now I have a thought on this, though, Shane, you told me what happened. And I think there's a reason you lived. You said that when Tina had a gun to her head,

she denied God, but you didn't. That's why God killed Tina and not you. Yup. That's what the fucking movie says. He even says Jesus said it himself. Fuck you, Tina. Shut the fuck up. Tina, 14, 18. Yeah. Tina got killed by God for lying to the terrorist while she had the gun to her face. So know stop mourning her and then he goes on to say and you know obviously because of this I can't do any you know magic at her funeral because yeah so yeah the basically the takeaway is Tina deserved it and then of course they have to stay away from park for a while at least until crystal is caught which could probably be sped up if they told the police who killed her that there's a lady with a broken ankle

Standing there for the last like three days But that's okay because now we cut to the funeral and someone dressed a white kid dressed as biggie for Halloween is doing By the way, my only note for this seed. How does Flyboy not have a sleeveless Tuxedo t-shirt for this funeral? That is, blast me. Yeah, no, he was dressed fancy, he was wearing, I shit you not, a short sleeve polo shirt. Mm-hmm. Also, I just have to say this, it's so good.

One of the extras obviously forgot they were supposed to wear black for the funeral scene and is wearing a white button down shirt. It's fucking magical. Like a wedding dress. Is this appropriate? Alright. Whatever. Oh, so good.

This movie is so good. It's amazing. And just for me, just for me, they throw in this final little scene here. Just to promise promise us that oh, yes the tribulation is coming. Oh, yeah So they're watching TV and it says and now in global news There are gonna be new microchip credit cards putting everybody's hand in foreign mother fucker what And yes, and the parkourers go all men What do we do and Shane turnst and goes only one thing we can do Trust God

Corenates. Yeah, look at the news England's getting rid of their currency and definitely staying in the EU the Bible is How they do it God's perfect trust in God at the movie Chris. Alright, so now I mean this may very well have been the perfect bad movie. I really wrestled with this afterwards. Is there anything that could have been done worse? Nothing. Nothing. Maybe like if Yakov smurned off if he was the narrator or something, it might have been best or worse. But I it a little better. He made it a little better.

I don't know, because like I was thinking to myself, okay, well, there was no scene where the guy was holding his head with flame coming up out of his neck hole and I'm like, no, that would have made it better. Would have made it better. That would have made it better. Okay. Here's what would have made it better, slash worse. If halfway through the movie, we had seen the guy who wrote edited, directed, and scored

it, and it had just cut away, and he had obviously taped this movie over a video. He made of him jerking off to himself. Like, if there was just 20 solid minutes of being like, lucky boy, lucky boy, and then it just cuts back to Tina being like, I don't know, maybe the butt that would have been better worse. Yeah, other than that, it's's perfect i'm sure that version just got pulled off of you to well obviously we all needed to put our thumbs in some dark dark places to find the motivation we needed to make it through this movie so rather than risk the potential of flinging anything around with the

some some stuff i ask you this what parkour related accident would you have had to see in the outtakes before you thought that filming this movie was worthwhile? Um, all right. Well if we found out somehow through the outtakes that David A.R. White was actually the original lead into like Iran face first into a wall trying to jump it and then that's how his face got shaped like that. It might be worth it. Might be worth it. Like assuming there was footage of all his scenes before and after that accident. Yeah. My Assuming there was footage of all his scenes before and after that accident. Yeah I like it. You know what? What if one of Tina's jumps went badly and we see her accidentally land on what I can assume was that entire honeycomb of bees

That she landed herself on top of That all stung her at once which is why she looks like she's always reacting to a beast thing It would have been pretty good too. And then of course my billionaire remake of this movie, which I will make, again, patrons get on it. You could all do this together, guys. Come on. Who doesn't want to watch me star in leap? Yeah, right. And while that is going to do it for our review of Elite, that's not going to do it for the episode just yet,

because we still need to get you all drippy for next week's show. So Eli, if you'd loved me, you would tell me there was a sequel. Oh, your damn right, this is sequel! Leap! Rise of the Beast! Oh no! You may have seen the preview for it in this fucking move! Yeah, and in this one apparently they're gonna take on the Vatican. Oh yeah, the plots, the plots about to start, it's very exciting. So in that happy note we'll bring episode 46 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among the ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful

and thereby earn early access to every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating atheist and the sketch regret available on iTunes Stitcher and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email Godoffalmoviesatgmail.com.

All the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of Evil Drafts on Mars and was used with permission. If you like what you hear, hear more by following the link on the show notes for this episode. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen right in Eli Bosnick. I'm no illusions promising to work harder on another chunk next week until then we'll leave you with a breakfast club close.

Don't you know my name is you know and I've come to say Pastor Andrew Luck with cancer got cured but then he died of liver failure after drinking some gay vodka. Tina was raped by the barbed penis of a fire demon for a million lifetimes for being afraid of getting shot in the head. Shane's farmer tan started its very own film career and successful country music business. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,