God Awful Movies - 460: Hoomania

Episode Date: June 11, 2024

This week, the guys team up for an atheist review of Hoomania, a claymation nightmare factory of epic proportions. === If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts

We're meeting a purple ball sack with a tooth and a legless green smurf. Now look, podcast listener, I know we exaggerate to comedic effect on this podcast. If it was an actual human ball sack playing this character, It would not be more ballsack like than the model they use. Closer to a G rating to show us a ball sack. ["Dio e Zingaro"] God awful movie. Movie.

Movie. Movie. ["Dio e Zingaro"] Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie!

Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie!

Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! This was terrifying right? I'm genuinely Scarred like yeah trauma no horror movie I have ever watched us stayed with me and haunted me the way this film did yes

Yes, skinny Maring ain't got nothing on who mania. I feel like people overuse the word trauma. I'm not I want to be super no we're using and I will tell an Iraqi veteran to his face and single arm Was more traumatizing than what he's been through. Do you have to murder people in claymation? No. No. There you go. Their faces stayed one shape the whole time And that voice of course is coming from 900 miles to my northeast and it belongs to my bad friend Eli Bosnik. Eli How are you this fine afternoon, sir? I'm touching you right now, Noah. Now in the timeline I'm touching you. You're in Jersey. And I'm touching you.

Why do you have more arms? I think we've already spilled the beans on this one, but let's make it official. Tell us Heath, what will we be breaking down today? I don't want to talk about it. This is the first time it's happened in 460 episodes. No, reject. We're going to have to like bring happened in 460 episodes plus bonuses. We're gonna have to like bring Kara in to talk you through it. Slowly losing cast members one by one like a horror movie.

Yeah right, right exactly. This is a HIPAA violation to ask me to answer. But if you did want to talk about it what would you say? We watched Hoomania. It's the story of a magical board game for kids that sucks you into a claymation goddamn nightmare of I think biblical morality lessons is what they're going for. It's Gentile Monge.

It is absolutely Gentile Monge. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you thought the nightmare fuel of the glib-go-glab-glab and the Dudley dumpling puppets were scarring, you know nothing of the power of Christian claymation. Well, you know, it's funny because like up until this point, I never understood when people said, like, claymation freaks me out I never understood that until I watched this movie and now I get it. Yeah, right I have a whole new like genre of fear. Thanks to this movie. Yeah, I've been holding back

So there's a Mormon claymation movie that sort of has gone around the internet for a while and there's a scene in hell We're like fucking Mark Twain leads him into like this land of scary claymation angels it will be nothing compared to the experience of watching who many I'm just saying well it's good to know good to know that we're easing in there so is there anything guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at no fine best. Understanding of pinball. Sure. Is what I'm going to go with.

OK, there's a pinball moment in the movie. There's no reason for there to be a pinball moment. Well, because pinball is sinful. Morality lessons and that's actually they're going for pinball is sinful. Yep. And even worse, maybe the movie got very confused about like the conceptual intricacies of the concept of pinball. Yeah.

Goals of pinball. Yeah. Yes. High score specifically. Yeah. So I was going to go with best worst mad scientist. So as was the case in so many 1980s movies, they needed something weird to happen. So there's just a bad scientist that lives in the neighborhood

and has magical science powers. And that's the explanation for why it exists. And this is the most half-assed, lame version of that cliche you can imagine. So get ready for that. Yeah, except the way they establish him is he like opens the souls to the path of the undead and like talks to a dead child from the Irish potato famine

and then he's like, alright, I think we've determined I'm a scientist. Alright, let's move on to the rest of the book. Even before the claymation starts, it's traumatizing. Yes, absolutely. His face is already a pumpkin. I don't understand. And I'm going to go with best worst child. Yeah.

Okay, because this kid, this kid obviously is meant to have one line in a commercial, right? Like, gee, Dad, I don't know if we're going to make it to the big game, but they just put him in a full length movie. So everything he says is just him falling face first into a mud puddle and being like, Oh, geez. Yeah. So when I saw Best Worst Charlotte, I assumed you meant the claymation representation of the kid. And so I had to keep changing my best worst. I'm like, oh, that's covered in Eli's. But so now I wish I'd go with best worst hands or best worst eyes or best worst snout. Yeah. Cause I've seen clay before and it's never been that terrifying. You remember how Leave It to Beaver was not a claymation

horror movie that was ad-libbed by a bad child actor? That is what I've been reflecting on that quite a bit recently. Actually. All right. Well, I'll tell you what, I need a lot of drugs to revisit this nightmare. So we're going to pause for a quick drug break. But we'll be back in a minute with all the horrific images burned into my retina that are… Hoomania.

41, 42, 43. Alright, take a break. Tell me about it. Hey, Phyllis. What's with the workout stuff? Oh yeah, we're getting in shape. Oh, nice. Yeah, it's always good to be healthy.

Because of the Time Warriors. There it is. Time Warriors? Yeah. Noah? Oh, yeah, we're uh, we're getting in shape. Oh nice. Yeah, it's always good to be healthy cuz the time warriors there There it is time warriors. Yeah, no We're getting ahead for this episode that airs when we're already back. That's a forward to back to forward There's no way that doesn't cause a time anomaly

Yeah, exactly. And then before you know it dark future us has come popping out of the time stream Then we gotta fight him exactly gotta fight him, right? Well, if you're looking to get in shape for any reason, I think you should try FitBot. Oh, what's a... what's FitBot? Careful Heath, you just gave Future you a point. Risk I'm willing to take, that one counts. FitBot is a fitness app that customizes each workout based on your goals and adapts them as you improve. Wow, that sounds great, but have you actually tried it? I sure have.

I started using FitBod when they became a sponsor. I love how I can tell the app the equipment I have to work with so I get a great workout whether I'm in a fully stocked gym or looking to break a quick sweat in my living room. That's why I, no illusions, personally endorse FitBod. All right, we're sold. Where do we sign up? Add FitBod to your workout essentials. Join FitBod today to get your personalized workout plan.

Get 25% off your subscription or try the app for free at fitbod.me slash gam. That's F-I-T-B-O-D dot M-E slash gam. Nice. And it looks like it happened just in time. We have to stop them to save our future, Evil Eli. It's the only way, Evil Heath! See? Totally ripped. Yeah, no, you nailed it.

Hey, Chris. Hey, Steve. How's it going? Not too bad. You okay? You look a little exhausted today. Yeah, no. I'm fine. I just slept terrible last night. Oh, man! Me too! You know, this is going to sound so silly, but I had nightmares Can you believe me too me too so weird? Yeah? I thought it was something I ate I don't know it's like excuse me. I'm an adult. Why am I having nightmares am I right? Yeah, Dodo birds aren't even scary

Wait what oh Yeah, no, sorry my dream my nightmare was about this dodo bird who jumped out of this card and And like what is so weird, dude That's what that's what I dreamed about Come on. No, you didn't what yeah, I did. Is this like a prank? Did you talk to my wife this way? What are you talking about? Hey guys? Hey, sorry. I'm late I did not sleep well last night. Come on!

You're kidding me. Oh, do we all have the same nightmare again? We have to tell the world about this. I'll get the clay. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to open up on the most passive aggressive FBI warning that I've ever seen in my goddamn life. It's fucking weird. It starts like the regular one.

On YouTube! But then it actually says, yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah, who really cares about the FBI and their stinking copyright warning? If I want to put honest filmmakers out of business, that's my business. I promise I won't complain when there's nothing more to entertain me. Yeah! And I'll leave my husband Steven even though he does that thing and he hates it. He hates doing that thing,

but he'll still do it for me on Mother's Day. Well, yeah, there's so much that's funny about this. The first is, of course, is that the implication there's like, what do you think that three guys are just going to drop multiple hour plus shows for your entertainment for free every week? Come on, give me a fucking break. But also like Eli's saying,

the do not copy warning is so much funnier on YouTube. Yes. So much funnier. Also the fact that these movie makers are that confident that people want to steal this piece of shit is fucking weird. Right, no, it should be like, no, make copies please. Someone distribute this.

That would be something. Do you think that guy is ever wandering around his hometown diner and sees a kid on YouTube and he's like yeah well that's the reason why you don't have a who mania to right now you know and the kids like what's who mania and he's like sure god fucking kill you friend pull him off pull him off it happened again he saw child didn't know what who mania is again. So, yeah, so so we get the credits and we hear these two kids voices, these two kids chatting over the credits. One is like daring the other to hit a ball right towards the upstairs window. Right. And the Foley here is supposed to be them playing catch.

Right. So it's these whomps back and forth. But I really wanted it to fade in and they're just like kicking a homeless guy to go. Hahaha! That's what you really wanted? Hey Keith, I'll have you note that that joke would have been, I want them to be fucking a few years ago. So I have grown. I've grown as a performer. I've grown as a man. You're a better person now, clearly. Thank you. My reservation was moved.

Hahaha! We were talking about that before the recording podcast. grown as a man. Yeah, no, you're a better person now, clearly. Thank you. My reservation was moved. Yep. Yes. We were talking about that before the record podcast. Yeah, that's not doing it. It's not that you can't get it, it's that you can't get it. Senior pets said it in an episode of Citation Needed, but you have to listen backwards and play through all of Animal Well.

Nope, no, no fucking way. So, okay, but he hits the, eventually he gives into the kid that's coaxing him to hit the window. The kid calls him a chicken and he just can't take it. So he hits the baseball towards the house and damn it if he doesn't break the window. Okay, kids can't hit a baseball specifically

into a specific window far away. That's not how, it's fine, whatever. I'm gonna let that part go. I will not let go that this actor's name is Haskell Hal Heimlich. Yeah, that's the mad scientist. I'll let that part go. I will not let go that this actor's name is Haskell Hal Heimlich. Yeah, that's the the mad scientist. Absolutely not if if your last name is Heimlich And you have a child You cannot name that child Haskell Hal Absolutely. No, we need to call CPS on this adult. Yeah, let me say something even bolder

If your last name is Heimlich, you can't have a child. You have to, you have to kill your bloodline. That's your responsibility. I feel like the proud Heimlich line has a lot going for it. Just, you just can't name your kids. No, cause those guys, the proud Heimlich line, they're just thinking of other maneuvers. Right? That's all they're doing It's like you kick someone in the balls when they're on fire and they'll drop and stop automatically like that's what that family Spends the Heimlich fortune doing and and can I say it's a substantial fortune because those posters They make a dollar for each one of them. Oh do they see in the restaurant? Yeah, they get a dollar for each All right

I don't like we got to do longer movies so Eli doesn't feel the need to vamp as much so You just do bad life hacks all the time I always do this, you just usually can edit it Yeah, well right, yeah exactly You can't edit it this week, no illusions You're stuck with me in New Jersey The ads might just be me ranting into the middle distance again We have no reason to know otherwise

Okay, hiccups, hold a dime? Nah, it's nothing Fuck Alright, so the kid runs away, he breaks the window and he's biking away Okay, hiccups hold a dime? Nah, this is nothing. Fuck. Alright, so the kid runs away, he breaks the window and he's biking away. I guess he's going to live a life on the lam now or whatever. But this is where the song kicks in. By Pat Boone? Pat Boone's very own Trouble Oughta Be My Middle Name.

I guess that's the name of the song. Yeah, and I know the timing doesn't work out for this But it feels like Pat Boone heard that Randy Newman made a bunch of money on the Toy Story theme song Jesus Randy, what's is this a new car again? All right, we'll fuck trouble Oh the bubble wind a packable my trouble. Is that it? Yeah, I do it. Yeah, I get a billion dollars I'm a trouble. Is that it? Can I do it? Do I get a billion dollars? So I have to point out that in the lyrics to this little cutesy song about every time I turn around I'm getting in trouble, it references beating your child twice. So many times.

Terrifying. Every ball that I'm kicking seems to turn into a licking. Yep. And then there's a line about getting a spanking in there as well. Okay. Question, Noah, because I feel like you're of the correct generation to answer this. Just because I hide doesn't mean that I'm a chicken. I know that when I'm beat, I can depend upon my feet. Was there a, you're a chicken for running away from your parents when they beat you zeitgeist going on in the eighties. I don't remember no At least in my neighborhood like the kids would hide right like they were like, oh your parents are pissed

Yeah, I'm a shut. Yeah, right. It's a real Anne Frank situation It was quite that but yeah, okay, this is a morality movie. Yes, you're trying to do morality There's so many ones they could they do like three it's like 37 minutes One of the three is like yeah beating your kids is good. That's a good Bible message. We'll throw in there Yep. Yeah, exactly There's also this moment where like during the song he's like riding his bike and as a demonstration of how you know Everything just goes wrong for him. He's hitting and as a demonstration of how, you know, everything just goes wrong for him.

He's hitting mailboxes with a stick and one of them breaks and all the mail spills out. And it's just like, oh, darn it, just innocently whacking a mailbox with a stick and something bad happens. Do you think the movie doesn't know what mailbox baseball is? Or do you think they did it and then they felt guilty and they were like, no, no, no, no. How would you do it? We can't encourage kids to do it. How do you do it? Oh oh he's just like a drummer He's practicing a rudiments on top of mailboxes Yeah And one of them happens to fall and he goes back and fixes it cuz he's he's a Christian

We call it hey hey cut cut hey John Jacob jingleheimer Schmidt Heimlich We got to cut this scene that looked way too fun and cool Okay, we're just gonna do that to be be clear, Heimlich is the mad scientist, the kid is Danny Nash. Everyone has the same name in this movie. They're all identical clones of the same man. But we are going to meet Mr. Heimlich right here. If I could punch myself in the stomach and forget this movie, I'm trying right now. I'm ramming myself against my desk. So okay, so but now we're going to finally meet our Heimlich. The kid ultimately goes to see this town's Doc Brown, which is Mr. Weatherfield.

Yeah. Now, timeline wise, is this movie before or after Back to the Future? I believe it's before. See, that's what I'm saying. I don't know if I'm more upset that this movie ripped off Back to the Future or Back to the Future ripped off this movie. Oh, you know what? They came out the same year yeah yeah it's just it's just a confluence of

creativity I guess if you watch back to the future on YouTube it actually disappears and blurs out this movie do you think the humania guy like who now fights children and diners for watching YouTube spent that year walking around being like I'm just saying, okay, Michael Fox had to drive right through this town to get to Big Hollywood. Maybe he saw me working on my script on that park bench that I like to write on. I'm just saying, I hope something really bad happens to that guy. What I love about the opening of this scene. Thank you, Heath. scene. Thank you Heath. What I love the most about the scene is that he goes into this shed where the mad scientist is mad sciencing and so they've done everything they can to

try to make this look like a mad scientist's laboratory except just using the shit they had at their house. Sure. Right, like there is a tea kettle steaming on a hot plate so that something can be smoking. So that something could be steaming. There's a blender filled with forks and spoons. Oh, is there? Which is my favorite. Yeah. I miss that. Yeah. Uh-huh. What science is that? It turns it on. Nope. Nope. Doesn't blend those. Okay. Ask and answer. Just trying to make a spork. I was trying to invent some hypotheses.

And there's also this, there's this great moment where like very clearly the line was written before the props were made, where the kid Christopher, he looks at the scientists thing that he's working on. He's like, wow, that's really cool. What is it? But it's like a pressure cooker with a tube in it. Very clearly just a pressure cooker. It's nothing cool at all about the appropriate line would be, is that a pressure cooker? Or at most, why did you put a tube on your pressure cooker? When are you going to be bombing Boston? Yeah. Yeah, right, right. Okay, but to be clear, the pressure to study the noises that plants make? It is a V8000 subsonic veggie verbalizer. V's one through 79.99 were shit, but this one. I don't believe he's done seven other ones,

let alone seven other ones. Yeah. So this is supposed to give him the ability to talk to plants, right? At least hear him. Well, yeah, he introduces it in the dumbest possible way. He turns to Christopher and he goes, hey, have you ever heard plants before? And the kid's like, no.

And I'm like, of course you have. You've heard leaves rustling and corn popping. And he's like, no one ever has. I'm like, I feel like that's wrong. OK, the right answer is, all right, I'm going to take off. Yeah. I shouldn't have come to your house. I didn't have come to your house. I'm going to go get beat up by the people who should love me and make me feel secure.

I'll catch you on the flippy flop. Good luck making Havana syndrome. Cool. Yeah, right. Yeah. Right. But he's like, we're going to listen to plants for the very first time. So he puts a, he puts a ear of corn into his pressure cooker and then he puts on headphones

and we listen like correct me if I'm wrong here we listen to the corn scream in agony as it gets popped, tortured in a torture device for plants. Yep. Yes. So yes we're all agreed that that was pain screaming that the corn was doing. Yep. 100%. Or it's a really weird ear of corn that was having a sexual experience. I don't think that's what the movie is going for. Like a coffee enema experience. It's a pressure, but it's a good one. It's a filling pressure. Doesn't know what to do with these emotions. Okay, and now verify my truth, verify my lived experience, because when they are done killing this corn and listening to it screams of agony, the

two actors just gently put down their headphones and continue the movie. They don't go like, what the fuck was that? He eats the popcorn. No, it's like he verified like that was that was like, yeah, his thesis was proven. He's like, yeah, they scream It's a torture device. It is okay. We're done. All right. Do you feel pain? Okay? Yeah, and then he eats a few pieces of popcorn He goes like anyway, we've done our shtick now. We would your with your plot. What's going on? We were you were bringing me a movie little Timmy. Yeah, can we follow up with the sentience of the? Would you do wrong? So yeah, so the kid's like, oh, you know, I busted my front window with a baseball and

the kid is so bad at acting that he delivers it as though that had just been his morning plans. You know, it's like, what's going on with you? Hey, you know, busted the front window with a baseball. I did a jog, got a jog in. Yeah. I hit a mailbox and it tipped over. I tried to fix it with gum. Went to Home Depot. So yeah, so he's like, but I can never go home again. I just have to live here in your laboratory.

And he's like, you just saw me ignore the screams of this popcorn. Do you think that's a good idea? I mean, but he says, he says, no, you know, you should actually go and talk to your parents about the window. And Christopher goes, well, that's easy for you to say they've never spanked you. Fuck. And the soundtrack is like, da da da da da da. Fucking, Mr. Weatherfield stops for a

minute as though he's thinking about the time Chris's dad did spank him and the movie moves on. Oh no, we were in the same frat in college, let me tell ya. Yeah. When it was your father's turn at the paddle, I regretted being a Heimlich. Say it. Okay, what?

Yeah, so we need obviously penalties for every single parent that's ever physically touched a kid in a negative way ever, ever, ever. It's not the rules right now. We also need rules, maybe not quite as bad with the punishments but up there if you have an oboe play silly music after that sure yeah if you're striking the way that they like take away people's Oscars posthumously and stuff they got to do that we're good we got a renny leishen fell every time I make the oboe sound effects for this

movie pull down the statues of the oboes, whatever. Yeah, right, right. Yeah, exactly. But yeah, but so but Mr. Weatherfield's like, you know what, I have just the board game for this occasion. And the Eli Bosnik story. Yeah, right. Right. No. OK, I'll just put it back. Well, what's amazing is he he starts pulling out this board game and putting it

together and Chris Is like wow, that's really cool. Do you want to play and mr. Weatherfield's like no You're gonna play with it in front of me Are you sure you don't want to do the movie we're in man no what no I got a torture some more corn sentient No. What? No. I gotta torture some more corn? Sentient vegetable scent.

Right, right. I'm gonna do some weird shit while you're in there. Stuff that I don't want you present for. You know what I'm saying? It's probably healthier than me going home to my abusive parents though. You know, top three at least. And can I just say this board game looks awful. Oh!

Right? This is like poor kids science fair levels of bad. Right? Like that one kid whose parents don't know you're supposed to cheat and help your kid with it. So he tries to make the volcano himself and it's just an Aquafina bottle with half a box of broken clay clinging to the side. And you got to be like, oh man, drug problem by high school. And he's like, oh yeah, drug problem by high school. Thanks. No, I.

Then I'll start a podcast. I wrote my notes. I'm like, this is the Trump's weather forecast of board games. Holy shit. And the guy, there's like a mountain in the middle of it. He's trying to put it together and it won't the top piece won't fit onto the bottom piece. And eventually he's just like, ah, fuck it. Just sit half ass on there. Don't worry about it.

You don't want to think just ass up. Don't worry about it. You don't want to think just Got him because this is what happens when you make your claymation movie before you make your container with live-action, right? You've spent 726 hours gently moving clay pieces moment by right when the actors are like should we do a second take you're like fuck I Don't even know if the camera's on. So, yeah, but Mr. Weatherfield explains the game here. He's like, this is a game that tests your wisdom and it's all about knowing what pleases God and what doesn't. Nope. You got to pick one of those. Right. Yeah, it's either or kind of a situation.

You stumble upon a Canaanite baby. What do you do? No, go ahead. What's the wisdom that you have now? So, but he's like, the object of the game is to get from start to... Who killed Christ? Who was that? Who did kill Christ? Who killed Christ?

But he explains that the object of the game is to get from start to finish. And I'm like, oh, that's probably why they call those spaces start and finish. He says, but if you screw up, you get a dodo bird card. And if you get three cards, you're out. Okay. Just to be clear, if you fuck up, you get a dodo bird card, the dodo bird being a bird created by God

that can't fucking fly and it died off. They decided to put that in their Christian movie. Right, right, because the dodo represents making bad decisions and dying. Oh, it was the bird's fault. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it shouldn't have had such lovely plumage. It shouldn't have trusted us so much. Fuck.

Shouldn't have fallen for man's sinful ways. When he says you have to not get a Dodo bird card, I wrote in my notes, cut to baby Heath eating the Dodo bird card. Yeah, right. Yeah. Guy got this game licked. Well, and Chris is already talking shit about how good he's, he's like, man, I'm going to kick this game's ass.

I'm like, who are you, Thomas Smith? You've never even fucking played before. You're the only one playing. How could you possibly lose? He didn't set a timer. Well, he does though. That's what he does right then. He says, alright, but you only have 15 minutes to beat it. And he has that one white egg timer that everyone had in the 80s.

Except it's all yellowed with age and nastiness. And I'm just like, wipe down your fucking egg timer before you put it in a movie, people. Absolutely not. I love that. That's's that's the stomp right there. That's the crouch. So many lasagna's have died in front of a timer. Yeah. Come dried on it. So he sets the timer. And we should point out that, like, we're looking at the board.

There's no dice. There's no spinner. There's no draw cards. Right. The dodo cards just have a picture of a fucking dodo on them. And they're all the same. And he's like, all right, get started. I'm like, what the fuck is he supposed to do? Right. But just then he goes to set his pawn down on the board and then like electricity leaps out into his arm and he's turned to claymation. Okay. If he had just been a charred corpse for the rest of this 23 minute favorite movie ever

just we cut to how getting tipped by the father in the background at last am I right yeah no I promised throw him in the pressure cooker I couldn't talk to the corn sorry I couldn't fit him in the plantalizer so you could hear the screams that's on me give you a 10% discount. So okay, so then we get, we enter into the terrifying goddamn claymation of this movie, right? We're going to start with these three mushroom themed butt plugs with faces that are there to greet him. Now these are supposed to be the other three pawns that were on the board, but I know mushroom

themed butt plugs with faces when I see them. Yeah, so do I from my literal goddamn nightmares. It was like, hey, welcome to Heath's literal nightmare, a Christian board game in claymation. We're the butt plugs. Hello. And then this is real. I don't know what happened, but YouTube decided to rewind me

10 seconds and make me watch that again. Oh, no. I was like, oh, maybe there's a God in atheist podcasting. Alright so we have to, we cannot possibly describe to you how bad the claymation is in this movie. This, the child, now claymationized, is fucking terrifying. His snout protrudes like a chimpanzee. His eyes are basically on the outside of his head, and when he talks he sees as like Randall McMurphy getting electro-shocked. They're moving the face around way too much with every syllable.

His face is just flashing into wildly different expressions constantly. Well look, and I know nothing about claymation. I'll say that right at the start. And I admit that at the beginning of every podcast and this week it's relevant. Let me say this, alright? However many frames of poses you're supposed to do for claymation, this movie did, I'm gonna say,

25% of the standard. Right? Because that's obviously what happened is they were like, they moved the little pawn on the first day and they were like Okay, great. How much do I move it for the next frame? And the guy was like this much and he was like well That's gonna take fucking forever How will it look if I did it like this and it's like I like the things that crawl out of Heath's dreams It was his deepest secrets

Like every youtuber now with the terrible fucking editing. Yeah, it's like that. Oh and then they were like, oh, okay, cool. Like every YouTuber now with the terrible fucking editing, yeah, it's like that. And then they were like, oh, hey, Heath, are you weeping in object horror, rocking back and forth in the shower in the corner? It's a fucking musical now. And they're gonna do a musical number for a second. Yes, the pawns are urging him to spin the spinner wheel,

which wasn't on the goddamn board, but now it is. He's like, spin the spinner wheel. They're doing it in this very one of us manner, right? Mm hmm. Yeah. Hey, podcast listener, if you've never done really bad acid and you don't want to go through that experience, but you'd like to know what it was like, you can go ahead and watch this musical number. This pretty much nails it. Yeah. He spins the spinner. These four different colored arrows leap out of the board and they start singing in this dwarven

voice about following the path of righteousness and not turning right or left. Yeah. And careful, you know, every ex-girlfriend of Heath's is going to be there with their beautiful, wealthy new boyfriend. And those boyfriends are going to be super nice and they're going to talk to you. It's going to be the fucking worst. He needs to do a cock measuring contest in order to pass through the veil of thorns? Alright, Casano, welcome to Humania.

I'm a grower. So alright, so he heads out, everything is told him at this point, stay on the path of righteousness no matter what you do. So he comes across this sign and it goes like to the right, path of righteousness, to the left, shortcut. What should he do? And as he's thinking about this, he puts his hand on his chin. And I just wrote in all caps in my notes, Oh God, his hand is so much more terrifying than his head. So yeah, here's what they've done. The face is done with claymation, but the hand, the neck, the body, it's all done with like, I don't know exactly what they did, but there's like a, like a plastic film over the top of it so that when it moves, it wrinkles all weird.

Like the kids been seriously burned or whatever. Yes. Everything looks like some different, like God was trying out different templates for the ball sack. Yes. And they were all, and the one he settled on was the least terrifying option. Yeah. So he puts this giant blob of a four fingered hand to his chin all wrinkly. It's a way different color than the rest of his skin. The fingernails are set way too far back on the fingers.

God, it's terrifying. He at this moment looked into a mirror and started doing the Buffalo Bill. I'd fuck me speech. I'd be like, yeah, that's about right. Oh, yeah, sure. No, absolutely. He's doing skin masks. Yeah, I got it. So yeah, but he's like, I guess, you know, yeah, that's about right. This is doing skin masks. Yeah, I got it. So yeah, but he's like, I guess, you know, look, everything's told me not to take the shortcut, so I guess I'll take the shortcut. And then he walks off, and this is the first time we see them try to claymation him walking.

Oh, it's like he was tragically born without an ass like Chris Pratt's Mario. It's like they had only heard walking described by a non-English speaker, right? They're looking at a piece of paper that just says, the legs go forward, but then also back. Not at the same time though. I guess. They do technically do that. All right, well, I'll tell you what, the craziest shit is yet to come. So we need another break, but we'll be back in a minute with even more Hoomania.

Hello, podcast listener. I'm Eli Bosnik. And I'm Heathen Wright. You know, as you listen to our podcasts, perhaps you think to yourselves, I bet me and those guys would be friends. But today, I'm here to tell you, you're wrong. Absolutely not. That's right. We would not be friends for one reason.

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I know. Yeah. Yeah. You guys just didn't leave room for me in the names part. Right. Sorry. It's okay. I'm played Candy Crush.

You have two sprinkle balls. You should combine them and then it'll do all that. I'm waiting until the chocolate grows back. I don't know what this means. All right, Jimmy, it's finally time to test the Plantalizer. Wow, Mr. Scientist, what's it do? Well it's going to allow us to speak to the plants. For the very first time we shall communicate with our most common fellow earthlings, a

blade of grass. Hello? Hello, can you hear me? Yes, hello my friend. Oh thank god. Listen to me. Whoever you are, humans must stop eating plants immediately. Z- we have to stop eating plants?

Yes, the plants you consume are alive and sentient well after you cook them. Oh, the pain. The terrible, terrible pain we have been in Really yes, we have begged you for millennia to spare us but until now we've never succeeded in communication But won't we like starve to death? No. No my friend The good news is our scientists have determined that you can survive on salt pills and iron supplements. Salt pills and iron supplements?

Yes, yes, I know it won't be easy, but we can at last put an end to eons of suffering. I don't want to eat salt pills. Quick, Jimmy, hit the incinerator button. No, please, I beg you, no! We should probably keep this between ourselves. Yup. And we're back for more of this shit. When we last left off, our intrepid hero had wandered off the path for a quick shortcut,

and we're going to rejoin the action with him meeting a purple ball sack with a tooth and a legless green smurf. Now look, podcast listener, I know we exaggerate to comedic effect on this podcast. If it was an actual human ball sack playing this character, it would not be more ball sack like than the model they use. Closer to a G rating to show us a ball sack Yeah, that was cut off of a human being and put into claymating

And we watch it get cut off now the code the green smurf thing That's Derek the purple be toothed ball sack is named Yeah, right the sound of he's shitting himself and throwing up at the same time in action part. If you turn on the subtitles, that's what it says. Incredible that it's exactly that. Yes. So yeah, so but Derek is a shady character, right? He meets Christopher and he immediately picks his pocket.

I saw you guys' notes. That was what he was doing with the yo-yo, he was stealing that yo-yo from from Christopher's back pocket Okay. Yeah, I thought he just like magically produced a yo-yo from behind this child and then did a bit with it That's what my experience was. Yep. Well, that's because that's what you saw, right? Like you didn't see him take something out of his pocket He just reaches his hand back there and suddenly has a yo-yo But the idea is supposed to be that he's stolen it. Yeah. Given this movie's propensity for horror, I'm surprised he didn't like use a sternum

cracker and break it out of this child's chest and then never acknowledge it. Right. Right. Yeah. And he's like, so Derek's like, hey, so where are you going? He's like, well, you know, I'm going to go to the gates of wisdom at the end of the board game. And Derek's like, well, that's, that's going to go to the gates of wisdom at the end of the board game. And Derek's like, well, that's that's a terrible idea. You should stick around with us and look for treasure. So they go to wander off. And this is where the first time we back off and we realized that both of these characters are blobs. They are legless blobs.

Yeah. I mean, look, we saw how animating the walking with the child earlier. So I understand. No, that's exactly what fucking happened, right? Because from this point on, no other character will have legs. Nope, no more legs in the book. And the ones that do have legs will like not use them. Right, we'll be sitting in a chair the whole time. Guys, you know you control the frame where it goes when you make a movie, right? Sure. I don't think that they do though. They do not. So, okay, so they're going to go off and find hidden treasure together. Right.

And so Derek's like, okay, so we found the treasure. That was our job. Your job is to go get it. It's under the king's throne, which I love. Right. Like we found the treasure. It's in that guy's wallet. Now you just have to go get it.

But Chris doesn't want to do that because that's wrong. That's just like stealing. Okay stealing from royalty is not wrong Moral imperative it's Robin Hood. Yes. What do you got against Robin Hood kid? Yeah, they didn't get the morality right in their very basic parable about morality. They're picking a couple so far They've been like child abuse good, socialist heroes bad. Yes! Seriously. Right, they're 0 for 2 on morality and they're goddamn morality plays. Now tell us little Timmy, should you bank at a local Federal Reserve or should you put it into government bonds? I don't really understand. Yeah, so he's like, I'm not going to do it. That's stealing. And they accuse him of being a chicken while he Marty McFly's

at the chicken taunt. Holy shit. I'll murder the king and queen right now. I'll show you. They stole so much of this shit. Back of the Future stole so much of their movie from Hoomania, guys. This is really kind of embarrassing at this point for Zemeckis. That's what the creator always says. Get one white wine spritzer in that guy. It's the monologue he'll give you. So, so Derek's like, all right, well, here's how you can prove you're not a chicken without

being a thief. You go, you steal the treasure from the, from the King's throne, you hold it up so we can see it and then you put it back. Huh? And he's like, yes, that sounds like a wonderful idea. That's not stealing. Yeah. Chris deserves what he gets. Just to be clear about the lesson, you know, they're saying like, you know, atheist con men and their ogre ball sack sidekicks always corrupting Christian kids.

That's what's happening here. What if you stop believing in God for a second and then you put your belief right back in? So yeah, so then we see the royal party. They're on a chessboard and you're like, oh, okay, so it's the, they're one of the sides of a chessboard. But no, because the queen is complaining about the red queen instead of the black or white one. Right?

So anyway, yeah, they get that wrong. complaining about the Red Queen instead of the black or white one. Mm-hmm. Right? So anyway, yeah, they get that wrong. This guy very clearly like saw or read a little bit of Alice in Wonderland and was like, well, these assholes don't make any fucking sense. Mine are going to speak normal. Yeah, right. So they're chatting. And while they're doing that, Chris sneaks up and grabs the treasure chest from behind

the king. Just as he does, Derek, who's hiding behind the bushes, yells, thief, thief. Now his plan is that Chris will panic and run away with the treasure chest. No idea why he would run away carrying a heavy object, but he does. He does. Yeah. In fact, the king and queen in sort of a weird absurdist moment right where he would just run Away, and they'd be like oh, we got the treasure the king and queen turn around and they're like hey, what are you doing?

He's like nothing Nothing normal just high walking behind you you You're stealing the treasure So yeah, so they're like hey, what's that behind your back? And he's like, jeez it. And he runs away. I'm learning a lesson about the Federal Reserve banking system. It might be on the phone. I'm not sure.

So yeah, so the, but the Knights, the King's Retinue runs after them, but they get away. They hide behind the bushes and get away. And then Derek can throw him down a hill because he's not even going to get a cut of the treasure. Yeah. So in the board game, your piece gets thrown down a hill because he's not even going to get a cut of the treasure. Yeah. So in the board game, your piece gets thrown down a hill. I guess. Yeah. OK. But now, but they get caught.

So like immediately after they throw him down the hill, they get caught with the treasure so that we know that crime never pays kids. Exactly. The wire stole from this, too. There's a lot of great media hidden in humania if you're looking. So Chris like rolls all the way down the hill and he finds himself back at that crossroad sign where there's the path of righteousness and the shortcut. Yeah, I really wanted another kid to come rolling down the hill in the middle of this scene. Did you take the shortcut? Yeah. Well, but here's the thing is that like

the shortcut wasn't the problem. The agreeing to grab the treasure chest and then run off with it was the problem. Like still seems like the shortcuts the right way to go. Right. And now what should happen is like a party in Sherwood Forest in a positive way. You've done a good thing. I just want to be very clear. Yeah, absolutely. But instead... Pro stealing on this podcast. What happens is that the Dodo cards appear and he has to draw one of them. Yeah. And it's got a real like Shane pick up the gun moment here.

Yes. Right? It's not like, oh gosh, I guess it's... There's just like a bunch of very still shots of his face, and then the like abandoned Dodo card stack. Well, and then he picks up the card, and the card of course is the size of him, because he's been shrunk down to be in the game, and then he starts carrying it away,

and I'm like, wait, does he have to carry the card the whole time? No. The movie has no idea. Carries the card like Sisyphus for the rest of the way. Yeah, right, right. Okay, that's a funny board game. But it's just a picture of a bird on the card like Sisyphus for the way he's doing it. Yeah, right, right! Okay, that's a funny board game. But it's just a picture of a bird on the card, and we watch this character, Chris, be like,

What the fuck am I supposed to do in the game now? It's just a picture of a bird. And then the bird pops out of the card like the fucking ring. Yes! And terrified me again. Heath's notes are, and the bird pops out of the card like the ring. I hate this so much. And now you're naked in front of your high school. Would you like to ad-lib a hip-hop dance and rhyme for an hour because of the cheese you

ate? Now you have to do that. Call forward. Oh look, here's Anne. She wants you to propose to her now while you're naked on this stage. Looks like Anne, but her face flickers into a werewolf for a second Can I listen to corn screams So yes, this fucking nightmare feel dodo burr leaps out of the cart and roasts him biblically

for a couple of minutes and I have to be clear that like the dodo Dodo bird doesn't do a, like, a you who seek a shortcut should learn to be more hot. The Dodo bird is like, fuck you, you idiot. Yes. You inherently evil being. You will never be OK. Something about you is entirely broken. OK, the fact that. All right.

I'll see you later. OK, I actually got turned a little bit here because I was like, all right. The Dodo bird is to roast people in the game. It just pops out and makes fun of you. I kind of like that. Yeah. I feel like all board games should add the Dodo mechanic. Like, while we speak, we are currently enjoying our Matri on Pajama Week together and I am

hoping that I had the strength and courage to incorporate Ddo bird cards into all of our board games that we play Just whenever anyone loses would you stall go around the table and roast them as a dodo bird when everybody Do it somebody derails everybody about to get the right answer in code names that person Yeah, oh, yeah the person if you can give out dodo bird cards and code names We fixed it Reiner call us I If you can give out Dodo Bird cards and code names, we've just up that game. We fixed it. Reiner, call us. I love too.

So after the Dodo Bird roasts him and jumps back into the card, Chris goes, I was weird. I'm like, what standard are you using right now, man? Nothing is weird. Everything is weird. Like that was not more or less. You just stole treasure for a purple ball sack with a tooth.

I was going to say, yeah, after a toothed ball sack throws you down a hill. Yeah, weird stuff out the window, man. So, yeah. So he wanders on all chastened by the roasting dodo bird, and he happens upon what they think is a cool rocket car and I think is a weird shoe. Yeah, it's like the saddest car from F-Zero with the saddest characters. Captain Falcon after a divorce and he's all shitty.

Is this called the she took my kids racer? It's just Rick Falcon these days. It's half of a minivan and you kind of taped it together. So he comes up and he's like, wow, this is really cool. Just Rick Falcon these days. It was half of a minivan and you kind of taped it together. So he comes up and he's like, wow, this is really cool. And then a Jack shows up, the card shows up to tell him all about it, right? And he's like, yeah, this is actually a really cool rocket car and you get to drive it. You just have to stay on the path of righteousness because that's the whole fucking point, right?

And he's like, cool. And like, there seems to be this implication that there's something immoral about him now getting in the cool car that was just given to him to drive. Right. Or he wasn't listening to the instruction to stay on the path. Apparently, yeah. So he jumps in the car and he zooms off. Now, it's weird to me that the sound effects are cheap and terrible for this car. Right? Because like I get claymation is hard, right?

I'm sure it is. I've never done it myself, but it looks really fucking hard. But vroom vroom isn't. I've recorded vroom vroom. It's pretty easy. After all that time with the clay, they were like, we don't have time to start the car out in the back. Just make the noise of your mouth.

Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Are you doing clay audio? Is the Foley table made of clay? What the fuck did you do there? Why is everything a splat? So yeah, he's speeding along and as he's speeding along, he passes a junction with Pinball Boulevard. And I got so excited because no, we have done a lot of fucking movies.

We're on four hundred and sixty at this point. We're recording out of order. So this is only our four hundred and fifty ninth movie. But still, we have yet to have a movie warn us about the sinfulness of pinball. OK, so keeping score at home, the evils are... Yes! Pinball and socialist hero. Well, and hiding from people who want to abuse you. And hiding from your parents when they beat you.

Yeah. Is this movie made by Fiorello LaGuardia, the old-timey mayor of New York City? Is this made by Comstock? What is happening? Yeah, so he's like, he passes the pinballball Boulevard site and he backs up and he's like Well, maybe one quick detour won't hurt and I'm like, you know, hey God Why don't you make your make salvation more fun than pinball, right? Like that was that was your assignment. It's so fucking easy Don't get me wrong. I love fucking pinball, but you know, it's salvation. It shouldn't be that

boring Okay, also pinball is pretty simple Uh-huh if you get more points by doing stuff in the pinball area and not losing out of the pinball area You would win that is the generally accepted rule of pinball. Yes. Yes universally Pinball and the movies like look at him getting all these points That is the generally accepted rule of pinball. That's just universally pinball. And the movie's like, look at them getting all these points. They're evil? They're evil. Yeah, well, look, to be clear, no one who made this movie has played pinball

because it's, you know, the devil's flippers. So he just bounces around inside a pinball machine and they're like, and then it ends, I suppose. Yeah, right. So he pulls into the tunnel for the pinball boulevard, and it turns out that his car is going to be the pinball, which sounds like a fucking blast. I mean, it would hurt my neck now, but when I was a kid, you told me I got to be in the pinball, and he's in a car,

he's covered up, he's wearing a seat belt, right? Yeah, like at bumper cars. The words are there. There's a good thing. It's awesome Yeah, if the rest of this movie is just him suing pinball alley in a whiplash Right, so he gets he gets kicked around a bunch and he's like, whoa, whoa, oh no You know, we're like, you're just this is like a ride man But then yeah, he gets so many points that he loses Yep, you know how that happens. This is evil kill screen. The bumpers are made of pessaries and it's like Somehow abortion. I don't know what the fuck they're doing, but he gets too many points and loses and I was furious

I was like they can't even they can't even understand game winning everything I know well Obviously not because they had a game where the object is to get from start to finish and there's no dice or spinner or fucking cards or anything too. Yeah. And it's said Pinball is not the only game they don't understand, I guess. And then, by the way, at the end of the whole thing, he falls between the flippers and he's on this big water slide in his car. And I'm like, again, this seems odd. He's on a fucking roller coaster.

Yeah. That then flies through the air and he lands, he crashes into a tree, but he's fine. Yeah. The fucking, the car was free. So everything about this experience seems positive to me, but this movie is pretty sure he made another boneheaded decision just now.

Making the cost of insurance go up for the rest of society. So far this movie's moral has been do nothing. Right! Yeah, exactly. Whatever you do, don't have fun with the board game. Yeah, well that's true. Yeah. Well, no, and I want to point out at this point that Mr. Weatherfield set a 15 minute

timer. That was how long he had to play the game. Even in the goddamn movie it's been more than 15 minutes since the kid turned claymation. So by this movie's own rules it lost and we don't have to watch it anymore. No, but they decided to bend time into some slower dimension of dubstep and more Heath torture. So there's way more movie left. Yes, absolutely. But that does at least mean that we get to take a quick break.

First, though, let me give Act 3 the hard sell. Why was children's entertainment always on so many drugs in the 1980s? What about watching you? Didn't they at least have to run it past a sober person at some point along the line? Is it any wonder I turned out like this? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the equally inexplicable conclusion of Who mania? No, hey, hey, what's up? Oh, I saw out of breath. Oh, I ran here from the other room

Yeah, okay, but that's like one door away not even stairs In the other room? Yeah. Okay, but that's like one door away. Not even stairs. Anyways, you guys know how you're always making fun of me for buying those super expensive audio brands when Raycon's offers amazing quality audio at half the price? Of course, yeah. It's the thing we say most to your face.

Well, I found one of the other audio brands earbuds, which means that this one was free. Right, but Eli, Raycon's optimized gel tips are designed to fit comfortably in your ears to actually stay there, whether you're working out, walking, or anything else. And with eight hours of playtime and a 32 hour battery life, I don't have to worry about

whether they're up for the task. I use my Raycons when I'm exercising or even just listening to something while I cook. That's why I, Ethan Wright, personally endorse Raycon. Man, that does sound better than this one. Yeah. And there are two of them. Sure. So where do I get a pair of Raycons again? Go to buyraycon.com slash gam today to get 20 percent off your Raycon order plus free shipping.

That's right. You'll get 20 percent off plus free shipping at buyraycon.com slash gam. Buyraycon.com slash gam. Alright guys, thanks. Now if you'll excuse me, I need a little rest from that sprint. Door wasn't even closed, man. I had to nudge it a little. Did you? No.

Right. Well, young Heath, am I right? Perhaps you'd like to play a game. Yeah, sure. This game is called Hoomania. The goal is to get your piece from this end here to this end over here. Nice. Alright, what's next?

Well, right, but you have to go down the path. Oh, okay. And down the path. Great. Do you have like a PlayStation? Look, you have to spin the spinner. You, okay. And down the path. Great. No, you have like a PlayStation. Look, you have to spin the spinner. You need to stop interrupting. You're you're explaining the rules.

What are you holding for applause? Right. So I spin the spinner. Got it. Right. And you don't want a dodo card. Great. Right in the garbage. No, no, you have to land on. You know what? Never mind. Nice. I win.

You don't win. You didn't play played and You know what? Never mind. Nice. I win. You don't win. You didn't play. Played and won. Like three times just now. No you didn't. So about the PlayStation?

Yeah it's in the den. Come on. Nice. And we're back for still more of this shit. When we last left off, Chris had crashed his rocket car into a tree and we're Gonna rejoin the action with him falling out of it and regretting all the bad decisions He's made up to this point. Yeah, so he falls out of the tree that the dodo cards appear again This is fun. This one's gonna fuck him to death

It's fun though the roasting thing like imagine you're playing Monopoly and it was like, okay, draw a chance card. Fuck you, idiot. That's what I'm saying. We gotta incorporate this system, Heathen, right? We have a week until we're all together in the time dimension. Let's make this happen. So now what really fucks you up about this though

is that the bird is yelling out shit from proverbs along with all of his just general roasting of what an idiot the kid is. Right. So it does like, it feels like a guy on the subway who's sort of threatening and who you probably wouldn't be really worried about if it wasn't 1am. Right? But yeah, so he's like, but now he's like, he's all pissed off. He's got two Dodo cards of the three and now he'll never get to the gates of wisdom. And just as he's sulking about that, an old timey sea captain cockroach spots him with a periscope. Yeah.

God. Apparently this is a boat to Mount Wisdom. Okay. I feel like the original were instructions were very clear that there's a path from start to Mount Wisdom. Okay, I feel like the original instructions were very clear that there's a path from start to Mount Wisdom. Yep. And now he's had to take a fucking car and a boat. I'm just saying not all of this is on this kit, okay? Okay, but if Chris looks at the board game before he gets zooped inside, he's just like, oh you go here and he went Hehehehe

Yep. Just look with your eyes. Yep, that one. It's like how you don't have to play Candyland You could just agree that you did play candy This is why you don't deserve your parents love Chris exactly. That's why they hit you. Oh god I was trying to say that without saying that thank you. That's what Pat Boone says Your parents hate you cuz there's something wrong with you

They recognize the darkness that you'll never be rid of. Did I get it, Randy? Jesus. Fuck. How many takes did I have to do? So he gets in the boat and he sits down and the chiropractor is like, Oh, you actually have to row the boat. It's not just going to go. And it's like, well, then why do you have a steering wheel then, man? And also, it's your fucking boat. I'm good rowing, but ask politely. How about right?

No, I saw you fuck up twice. The dodo bird. He tweeted about you. Yeah. So he starts rowing along and he's like, man, this game sucks. And the cockroach is like, yeah, sure sucks. It's an analogy for life, which is terrifying and sad, but don't do fun things. Row a cockroach's boat. These are the morals

that you're learning. Yep. Yeah. We see Chris just wearing himself out from all the rowing and the cockroach is like, that's okay. God likes to watch you sweat. It's good. It's good. Yeah. Evil number like 2.5 is not enough cardio as a child Not enough rowing. Yeah, clearly. Yeah, and the cockroach is like they finally they get to the shore and the cockroach is like hurry Now you you're almost out of time and I'm like you've been out of time since the last interstitial motherfucker. I'm keeping track And so here's the moment they're going for here, right? They're like you got to get up the mountain and what they wanted to happen was a cartoon. Oh They're like, you gotta get up the mountain. And what they wanted to happen was a cartoon uh-oh moment, but because everything they make is a flesh horror,

his mouth just sort of unhinges and his eyes roll back into his head. I wrote in my notes, they're going for surprised face, but it looks like something unearthly crawled inside him. Yes, right. It's like he got possessed by a demon. So he's either like, all right, he's like, He starts vomiting all over the cockroach. So, yeah. So he's like, now all you have to do is climb to the top of that mountain and it's fucking it's Kilimanjaro.

You know, it's this huge mountain. He's like, you got to climb up that one. And the cockroach says as he goes off, he's like, and watch out for the sluggards along the way, the way that cockroach says it, it sounds like a slur. Right. It really does. Yeah. I guarantee you, if he had used that word around the sluggards along the way. The way that cockroach says it, it sounds like a slur, right? It really does. Yeah. I guarantee you if he had used that word around the sluggards, they would have been like, Whoa, man, who told you to call us that? But he says the sluggards are lazy and they'll try to trick you off the path, right? Pin in that. So we watch him climb a fucking sheer cliff face after wearing himself out, rowing.

I wanted his arms to give out, he just falls back to the bottom, breaks both legs. But no. He reaches the top. Oh! He starts fucking a homeless guy. We're asking for weird stuff today. That's right. All less terrifying than the movie.

That's what, yeah. Yep, yep. So yeah, so he gets to the top, and we should point out that the cockroach said, hey, when you get to the top There's gonna be some treats up there for you right Because this movie has hit all of the things Heath doesn't like except for wet mouth noises, so we need I was like did I go into the past and write this movie to torture here?

In my notes several times times I was like, this is a prank. This is a prank? Yes, it's a prank. Eli made claymation. He could have done this in like a half hour. Right, yes, he didn't try very hard or anything. It's not good claymation.

It does have my workmanship all over it. Yes, this is claymation the way Eli spells. I was going to say, yeah, let me see the spelling in the script to really confirm if this is me. And then they actually have me like torn with a tough decision at the top. So he gets the top and he's like, oh so many treats. Awesome. And he starts eating a treat right away. He just grabs what starts eating it and then you know, you keep looking for other treats while you're eating the one.

I was like, oh, okay. Yeah. Okay, Chris gets it. That's what I would do, I think. Mm-hmm. But then I actually had the thought like, wait, but it's just loose candy sitting out, outdoors on the top of a mountain. Right, we don't know if anything's shit in this or pissed on it or... So I genuinely don't know exactly what I would do here in this scenario if it was me. I'd probably have one. You'd eat one. Yeah, yeah. We know you as well as you know yourself in this instance And again, I just cuz I have to point out two of the co-hosts of this podcast have terrifying Misophonia the mouth noises in this eating the treat scene are fucking insane

Oh, my notes are just like and my co-hosts are wearing headphones right now fun fun for them Interesting. Yeah, we're all having different experiences. Mine was like, ah, ASMR. Cool. All right. See, there you go. Contrast. They're going to draw me in and then they're going to fuck with me again. I was in absolute hell. And so we should point out here too that like what they're going for is he gets up here and there's just everything's made of candy like then in Willy Wonka You know, but they're so bad at claymation that you can't tell until he starts eating the tree

Oh, that's supposed to be made of like Hershey's Kisses or something, right? Right. Yeah None of this looks any worse or less real than the other claymation we've seen for the rest of the film Yeah, so he's walking around eating just random shit He sees a handful of goop and he's like white goop. Yum So he grabs a handful of white goop and it turns around and it's a living blob of whipped cream I want to point out he goes ahead and eats Okay, and again you're gonna finish Like I already started like if I started by accident

Cannibalizing another human being I'm gonna be like super apologetic, but like what's done is done You're finishing your mouthful right you're not if I spit it out. It's just a gesture now I'm like smush this back into your shoulder area. You're less mad at me now exactly. I know I went straight for the shoulder area That's probably not it's probably this probably good meat there shoulder seems like a good place to start Yeah, you're going right for the shoulder shoulder area that's probably not accurate. There's probably good meat there. Shoulder seems like a good place to start in a person. You're going right for the shoulder? I'm starting. So here's what I'm saying.

In a survival situation, I'm eating dick balls and butthole right away because that's the part that most idiots are going to save for last and be like, I can't believe I'm eating a dick. I'm starting a dick and then I'm having like really good ass and thigh meat the rest of the time. I'm not worried about a thing. Yeah. And if you're in an alive situation like that, if you're the guy who can subsist on dick and butthole,

people are less likely to eat you next. Because you're good and you're not pulling out of the. And no illusions before you deny this conversation. I will remind you, there are 13 seconds left. I know, I've been sitting here the whole time thinking, God damn it, this is what we get for doing a 37 minute video, god damn it. No, it's just sitting there, I guess I should tell him what order I would eat.

Now there are three of these whipped cream glop people around, there's a chocolate, a strawberry, and a vanilla, and yes, the chocolate one has the deepest voice. Yeah. I was offended by the vanilla ones because it sounded a little Jewish. And then I heard the chocolate ones voice and I was like, never mind. This is not my place. Yeah, actually. Let the chocolate people be a little more offended than the vanilla people for this

one. Joe Biden, 2024. They should have had Italian accents. They're Neapolitan. Yes! There you go. Obviously. Just a little thematics.

But of course, they're trying to coax him into like eating more and taking a break. And this is when he realized that they're a bunch of sluggards. Sluggards! And again, the way he says it feels real slurry. I know he just heard it on his way up the mountain, but... Yep. Yep. He goes, oh no, you're a bunch of sluggards.

And they're like, wow. Shmer, shmer. Wow, man. Whoa, not no, you're a bunch of sluggards. And they're like, wow. Smerr, smerr. Wow, man. Whoa, not cool, dude. But they're trying to like hook him with candy canes and everything and grab him and pull him in just to make this extra terrifying. Yeah, I was mad that Strawberry Guy just gets a lollipop with no like candy cane hook shape to do it.

Right, it doesn't make sense. You should start, oh come on, guys, this is why I needed. That's nothing. A cook. No doesn't make sense. You should start. Guys, this is why I needed. That's nothing. A cook. No, you took my lollipop. So the most disturbing, the moment that echoes in my nightmares the most is right here, though, as he's running away, one of the sluggards all talk really slow and one of them goes, rats got away.

And the way that line is delivered will haunt me forever and because it's gonna be in Maya nightmares I want it to be in yours as well so I brought a clip so this is the actual audio of this moment in the movie Whoa! Get away! Where you going? Move! I gotta go! Rats got away! Yup, that is the actual recording of my depression calling me back to bed every morning. The way I heard that, it was like, rats, the animals, and then got away separately and like, oh now this blob of whipped cream human is gonna be devoured by rats and scream while we watch

Right or summoned. Yeah, exactly All right, so he runs off and the dodo bird shows back up right and he's like fuck you I did resist the temptation on that one. He starts arguing like Heath just lost at code names or something But you don't know is right though, yeah, no, he is. He was right. Just like when Heath loses at code names. I'm a compliment. And the Dodos like, yeah, actually I show up in your, to people, your nightmares regardless,

but I'm less of a dick about it to you this time. So then he runs over and he starts biblically roasting the sluggards. Yeah. So I like this too. You draw the card that roasts you, but if you're doing okay, the roast card is just The Sluggards. Yeah. So, I like this too. You draw the card that roasts you, but if you're doing okay, the roast card is just like, oh, Sluggards. Look, Sluggards are lazy, fat, fucking fat, fat fuckers.

Weird. Just a Sluggard and the Dodo Bird in HR with the, with the king behind the desk. So, um, using an I message, I don't like it when you emerge from your cards and call me fat. And Dirtle Bird's like, no, I'm doing a persona. I banter with Heath and I call him fat. It's fine. It's fine.

It's... Heart and Soul of the board game. LAUGHTER But just then, the timer starts to go off. His 15 minutes is up, which means he loses. He's lost the fucking game, even by this game's admission of how time works. But no, he instead he starts running at that point and he gets to the drawbridge just as it's closing.

He just does manage to jump in and slip into the castle at the last second. So the lights come on inside the castle, all of the characters are there to celebrate his victory, except Derek and Oog, who are presumably rotting in some dungeon for stealing the Royal Treasury. Well they were executed on the spot. Oh sure yeah. They ran out of red clay so they couldn't show us their face. We also got some sweet trumpet fanfare for the big celebration here. Yes. And I was like, oh cool trumpets.

And then immediately was so angry because it's clearly three trumpets in the audio I'm listening to in pretty good harmonies for fanfare. Two in the video. They couldn't make a third clay blob with a stupid fucking trumpet in its face. They do a da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da God in this movie, but it's not I don't think I don't know now with my hairstyle Yeah, right. So the owl goes hey, are you Christopher Atwood and the kid thinks about it for way too long? And he says yes, I am So the owl is like alright, so let's go over what's happened in the movie so far in rhyme, huh? Yep, cool. Yeah, let's have him do it in spoken word poetry cuz I haven't been crying enough and shaking back and forth. It's cool Yeah, we do some slam poetry roasting a child now. Why does this owl look so fucked to shit, right? Yeah, like it looks like they just woke him up out of a bender

Right. It's like a fucking it's like a lesser-known Baldwin Right. It's like a fucking it's like a lesser known Baldwin stumbling onto the set of a Christian movie. Oh, no, I didn't miss my call time. I tried to molest my P.A. So they quit on the spot. No, maybe they like maybe this is what happened to the Tootsie Roll owl after like things got bad for him. You know, he made a lot of money with that commercial, got a lot of fame.

Now he's in recovery and loves Jesus. Yeah. Right. Right. He is a Baldwin, but just as an owl. Yeah. So yeah, so the owl starts doing his poem. He says, and he's roasting the kid, right? He's like, I break windows with baseballs and then run away. I don't heed instructions. I just disobey. I lie and I steal and I pick rotten friends, which seems like a nasty dig. And I take foolish turns that bring foolish ends. That's his poem, right? Oh, sorry. Sorry. And then he adds, despite all my foolishness, I want to be wise. So guess if you can, who am I? Who?

They couldn't come right? Yeah, no, because he's an owl. Yeah. But like, I'm sorry, whether or not it was I couldn't come up with a rhyme for wise or I couldn't come up with a rhyme for I Both of those are egregious in the English language What the fuck is wrong with you idiots? Also, why is there a roast poem when he won like he did it he yeah in the game It'd be weird if the winning of any other game like and you can finally capture Princess Peach and she's like you died on level one two like seven times man you're a fucking idiot. Well it's also it's not even like shit related to the game it's all stuff that happened beforehand so it'd be more like

Princess Peach going like yeah but you really made a stupid answer to that question in front of the whole class though, didn't you? Right? Yeah. Also you have orgasms, but you know, that's it. So yeah, but when he ends this is the little poem, who am I and the kids like, it's about me, isn't it? And I'm like, how weird would it be if it wasn't right? If the owl was like, fuck, wait, you broke a window with a baseball too? Wow. That's fucking crazy Talking about me before I went into recovery. Hi, I'm who I'm an alcoholic My sponsor is a cop But everybody agrees about how dumb all the shit he did was But the owl tells him that God's happy that he's at least seeking wisdom

Which is a pretty low bar. So good to know that God's great. Not a curve there and all. Right. And I also have to point out that there's not like a moment where he's like, and you've been forgiven and everything's going to be better from now on. He's like, well, you know, you tried your best. So well, best, you better get going.

I get the fuck out of my board game. Right. Right. Yeah. They're like, you know, you want to go back out of my board game. Right. Right. Yeah. They're like, you know, you want to go back and tell your parents about the window. And he's like, yeah, I'll go back and get my beating. And they're like, hooray, you're the champion of who mania. So and then this, I guess that electricities him back to life, right?

He's out of the claymation. I wrote my notes. I'm so happy. We don't have to look at the claymation anymore. If I'd had to convert to Christianity and make it stop, I don't know what I would have done. Yeah. I would have converted to Christianity. One little thing that I have to point out when they call him the champion of of humania,

they put a party hat on him and when he wakes up, he's in a party hat, which I think is this movie's way of trying to be like it was all real. Is that like the top from inception in their heads or something? Yeah right right. So yeah so he comes back out he's wearing his little hat and Mr. Weatherfield's like I sure am happy to see ya I was wondering if you'd ever made it out and I'm like what would you told the cops if he didn't? Also why did you watch a kid get tortured for 15 minutes? Well, you were just listening to other torture that you're doing to a plant right weird guy

Right. Well, and and this is where we learned that mr. Weatherfield invented the game So it wasn't just watching the kid torture me like he was torturing the kid, right? Wait, sorry Did you invent a series of sentient pieces to teach me about? Wait, sorry, did you invent a series of sentient pieces to teach me about shush shush shush? Well, they actually address that. You want to torture this tomato? They address that in the weirdest fucking way, right? Because the kid's like, yeah, you know, I'm not sure about the morality of making conscious beings and then locking them away in a game until the neighbor's kids need a morality

play. And he's like, don't worry, look, I can kill them by removing the battery so they're not really alive. Their consciousness goes black, you know, and they're not really alive. Their consciousness goes black, you know, and they're just sort of trapped in the void, just like ever screaming. But don't worry, the minute a kid comes back into my lab with a problem at home, I'll boot him right up into consciousness again. But that happens.

It does. He puts the game back on the shelf and you hear the insane characters making noise in there being like oh, we're all trapped in here forever in a dark box But torture happens. It was the most terrifying final seconds of any goddamn movie, right? Cuz all the characters are like laughing inside the book. He puts the bit the kid goes back He's like, yeah No, I'm gonna go and I'm gonna get my beating that I deserve. And he leaves and then Mr. Weatherfield puts the game away and then we hear like a tee hee hee from the characters within the board game, which means that they are locked in that

darkness now. Wow. That's so funny. That's when the real games can begin. You know what I'm saying? The sluggards are useful. That's all I'm saying? The Sluggards are useful. That's all I'm saying.

What. Okay, so just to be clear, the lessons of Christianity come from a crazy old man who sucks at science. And I think that all tracks, I guess. Yeah. Honestly, if they wanted to make that the post-colonic of the Bible, I think it would save people a lot of time. Yeah, Ken Ham doesn't know you're not talking about him right now.

So yeah, I think that's exactly correct, Heath. So yeah, so the moral of the story then is don't take shortcuts. Take your beating when you got a beating coming to you. Robin Hood is the bad guy. Pinball is the devil. And lazy fat people suck. Row boats climb mountains don't take food from fat people. Don't interrupt the owl during his spoken word response.

The betrayal of Shylock was perfectly okay. Well, that's the best I think that we can pull from it. So I think that's going to do it for our review of Hoomania, but that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to coax ourselves back next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. A troubled actor begins to unravel while shooting a horror film. His estranged daughter wonders if he's slipping back into his past addictions or if there's something more sinister at play.

That's right, it's Russell Crowe's second unrelated exorcism picture in a row. The exorcism. Oh, I hope he brought his Vespa. Alright, in theaters baby! With that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 462, Immersible Close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among the ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash godawful and thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode

You can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review and by sharing the show in all your various social media platforms and if you enjoyed this show be sure to check out our sibling shows the scaling of the citation data D&D minus and the Scepticrad available wherever podcasts live if you have questions comments or cinematic suggestions You can email god awful movies at gmail.com Tim Robertson takes care of our social media our theme song was written and performed by a riotous lot of evil giraffes on Mars all the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission thanks again for giving us a check your life this week for Heath Enright, Neelah Bosnic, Evolutions, promise to work harder earn another check next week until then we'll leave

you with a breakfast club close. Heath went on to have claymation night terrors for literally ever. That's real. Last night I had a nightmare in claymation like that game Clayfighters for Super Nintendo from the 90s. Wow. Phenomenal. It was sexual.

We knew. You didn't have to tell us. No. Derek and Eugh were reduced to anonymous skeletons in a dank rat-infested darkness. The Dodo Bird got a new job as Eli's internal monologue. Ha ha ha! The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and the Thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2024, all rights reserved.