God Awful Movies - 467: Pride and Prejudice: A Latter Day Comedy

Episode Date: July 30, 2024

This week, Cara Santa Maria joins us for an atheist review of Pride and Prejudice: A Latter Day Comedy, the story of Mormons reading Pride and Prejudice and not getting it. At all. Or even getting close. Check out more from Cara on the Talk Nerdy podcast. If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts

So, this movie writer gave herself an A at writing the script that she wrote. For this movie, yes. Ooh, was the movie written by a woman? Two women, yes. Oh, okay. No! Two women wrote this. No, Heath, no!

Two Mormon women. I would assume Mormon women wrote this, yes. Oh, that's so sad now. I'm sad We're having a sad time Now we're having a sad time God awful movie Welcome back to God of the Movies, where each week we watch another terrible movie so you don't have to. I'm your host, T.Thenrite, and I'm joined by my BFF, Eli Bosnik.

Eli, how's it going? Girls night! All right, Brats summer. And we also have veteran masochist Kara Santa Maria. Kara, welcome back. Uh huh. Yeah, yeah. Figured. Yeah.

I always like it when Kara does that for her intro because sometimes these are new episodes for people and they're just like, I like this movie podcast. They seem to be torturing a woman. They seem to have kidnapped a lady. Somehow I can hear her blinking on the audio. The new listeners are thinking that? Really it's the new listeners. Well, no, the old listeners know we've kidnapped a lady. Every week that I'm on the show, there's like a new post like, what do you have on her?

Every week they're like, just release the release the pictures Kara they can't be that bad you killed a guy it's fine we all killed a guy. It happens so based on those pictures you watched a movie with us. Kara what movie are we gonna be breaking down today? Okay so it's called Pride and Prejudice a latter-day comedy get it? Hell yeah it is. Latter day. It is none of those things. Because of the Mormons. Yeah.

So I've never read Pride and Prejudice, so I have no idea how faithful this is to the original plot, but it looks like the 2002 Delia's catalog, and I'm pretty sure... Did the characters all have the same names at least as the people in the book? Yeah. A lot of Janes.

Yeah. So there's that going Janes. Yeah. So there's that going for it. Yeah. Everyone is either named after the character in the book or like someone who read the Cliffs Notes making a joke about the book. Right? Like, so Darcy is Darcy, but sometimes other characters will just be named like Elizabeth

England. All right. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love 90s remakes of classic novels like Clueless. Okay. And I do. But your modern church is slightly more prude than the Regency era. You will love this movie. And I do. I love this movie.

Of course you did. It's pretty terrible. And is there anything you'd like to nominate this one for being the best, being the worst at? I'm going to go with best worst tees. Interesting. Interesting. Where are you going with this? I feel like this is a perfect example of actual best worst. Like lots of times it's the worst worst really is what we're talking about.

But almost every character in this movie had perfect teeth that didn't fit in their mouths. They were all straight. But they had some chompers. Prominent teeth. Everyone here went to the same guy as Osteen. Got their gums peeled back. Yep. I will say that 90% of the ads that I got were for Oral-B. So, they know their audience, I guess.

Yeah, exactly. Highly dental. Okay, I was going to go with best worst ADR moment. Yes! So, it's a tiny moment that doesn't matter. The main character, Elizabeth, meets a guy at a party his name is Collins and apparently the actor plays Elizabeth Never stood next to this actor who played Collins and he is way bigger than she expected Like she's supposed to say hello Collins or something like that, but she clearly just turned around

He was way too big and she panicked and she was like, hello, big, big. You're too big. How do you fit in stuff? You're so big. And they had to ADR it so badly for her to be like, hello, Collins today. Yeah. But you could see her be like, big, big. What?

And of course I'm going to take the easy one here and I'm gonna go with best worst Adaptation so for those of you unfamiliar This is of course based on pride and prejudice the message of which is that a woman can rise above her means and this movie It's not about One might argue the message of this movie is don't get too uppity. Something like that. Could be. Yeah, it's hard to, it's unclear.

Yeah, I feel like what the big takeaway is. I feel like the movie writer saw the title Pride and Prejudice did not read the book at all. It was like, oh yeah, Mormon, like we're into Pride and Prejudice. It's probably perfect. We're bigots and we're proud of how white and delighted we are that we got to make this art. I'm going to make a movie about staying in my lane as a woman. It's yes. That is what the movie is about.

Yeah. 100 percent feels like the I didn't read Jane Austen's book either, but it feels like the opposite of what it feels like the opposite of what Jane Austen was saying. Right. Eli, you read it. It feels like the opposite of what Jane Austen was saying, right? Eli, you've read it? On today's podcast? Yes, very much. I've read it, of course. Very smart.

Have you? Mm-hmm. What? Yes. Really? Oh, yes, very much. Okay. I've read it multiple times.

Dozens. Have you read it dozens of times? Probably dozens now that you mention it, Kerala. I've probably read it dozens of times. I know all the characters' names and the plot points. No need to ask. Yeah. Got it.

Got it. And you know the spark motifs, I'm sure, too. Yeah. I definitely just looked up the summary, the TLDR on Britannica and Spark Notes, and I was like, okay, I got the general idea. You got it. I didn't even do that. I figured you guys would do that. Yeah, exactly.

All right. Well, we're going to read up a little bit more while we take a quick break and then we'll be back to tell you all about Pride and Prejudice, a latter-day comedy. Dude, you're going to wake her. You are. Keith, Eli, what did we say about hiding in my closet? Um, ah, kick, punch, punch, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick. No, I mean after.

Oh, um, you said don't. Don't. Exactly. Now out. Yeah, yeah, sorry, Kara. We didn't mean to. We were just hoping to up your wardrobe game with Quince. What's...

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She wears it all the time and gets a ton of compliments. That's why I, Eli Bosnik, personally endorse Quince. All right, guys, I'm sold. Where can I check it out? Fill your closet with timeless pieces you'll be wearing for summers to come with Quince. Go to quince.com slash awful for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's quince.com slash awful to get free shipping and 365 day returns. quince.com slash awful. Great, thanks. All right, guess that means we can throw out

these bell bottoms? What? I don't own bell bottoms. You do now. He's tried to fit into your skinny jeans. Seriously? I have a turgid calf. He does. It's true.

Chris, Chris, I got great news. The soda shop finally got caffeine free boba. No, better. We got approved to make another movie, a remake of a classic English novel. Oh, like Clueless. Yes, exactly like Clueless. And what was the message of Clueless? That a young woman can be more than her making, you know, like in Emma. What?

No, no, it's that B-words be crazy. I don't think that's what that book's about. It totally is what it's about. I'll prove it to you. Hey, Kara, Kara, Kara Centimaria. Hey, Mormon movie maker guys, what's up? Hey Kara, so isn't the point of Clueless that B-words be crazy? See? I told you.

Yeah. Right in the nards. Don't say nards. It's swearing. Sorry. Sorry. Looks like he'll be working with some caffeine-free boba for a while. What? It's a callback you weren't in the room. Little help? No.

It hurts so bad. And we're back. And we're going to start with the famous opening line from Jane Austen's book, except they get it wrong right away. The first line of the book says, it is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife. The movie starts with the narrator saying a girl of a certain age and in a certain situation in life must be in want of a husband.

That's a fun Mormon start for the thing. Yeah a great reversal of everything about Pride and Prejudice, right? Which because again Pride and Prejudice, right? Which, because again, Pride and Prejudice is about men in search of women, but this movie is a sexist version of that, so it's girls loving the boys. It might as well start with like, must be in want of a husband, Kara. Yeah. We want grandkids, Kara. Let's go. Tick tock. Yeah, I wrote on, guess I'm not very Mormon. So it's funny because, right,

does that mean then that Pride and Prejudice was, it was a commentary on? Yes. Yeah. Yes, it was turning it on its ear. And this is like, let's not do that. Yeah, and Pride and Prejudice is a wildly feminist work for its time. Right. Like, incredibly brave in the society it was written.

So using this, I was trying to think of like a good analogy. It would be like if in the year 2100 white fragility was used as an example of like how oppressed white men were. They wrote, they wrote mean books about them. Like it's truly hard for my mind to grasp. Well, if it was like 2350, that would be about right. This movie is less progressive than a book from 1797 is what I'm saying. Well, yeah. What we're saying is it's very Mormon.

Yeah, Mormon Church right there. But very importantly, very importantly, more than this stars the various characters, because this is where we're going to... Austin the Pug. Austin the Pug is introduced. Best character in the movie. Yes. Austin the Pug! Austin the Pug is introduced! Best character in the movie. Yes. Austin the Pug is in this movie.

Just so you know, podcast listener, there will be entire scenes where Heath and Kara will have to provide all your commentary because my notes are quite literally Pug, Austin, he named Austin, boom, move the camera back to Austin. Austin's kind of cute, I'll give you that. I'm not a Pug person, I know, I know. Eli and I.

Oh, Carrie, you cut out, you cut out, and you fucked yourself to death is what you did. Mostly because it's cruel, you know, these poor dogs that can't give birth on their own. Alright, we're gonna take a quick break. Eli to cry. We have another interstitial. What was the last interstitial?

I need another one. I will give you this though, like, or maybe you know, is it a toy pug or is it just a puppy? That's just a puppy. Pugs are toy pugs. Right, but this is a really small pug. He's a puppy. And he's very cute.

He's very cute. Very cute. So yeah, this is where we're gonna meet the main cast. This is Jane, is who we're gonna be introduced to first. We are also introduced to the fact that she is Argentinian we're going to be introduced to first. We are also introduced to the fact that she is Argentinian. Yeah, like they needed to call it. They're like Jane, the Argentinian. Very odd. Very odd thing. Also, they go over the two sisters. I mean, it's really hard

to say. I don't think the two sisters in Pride and Prejudice are supposed to be quite as villainous as the other extra characters in this movie are. They're sort of like the caddy roommates who are constantly trying to steal her various love interests in the movie, but that is not how they are in the book. They're supposed to be sisters? Yeah, in the book they're sisters, yeah.

I guess I missed that. Okay, and to be clear, only one of them is horrible. The other one is hapless. Right. It's like the horrible girl who's horrible to her sister too. And then just like the hapless girl with like a weird crooked mouth. Right. Exactly. And then of course there's the nerdy girl. I will say, let's give the Mormon cinema the credit where it's due. She does not get a makeover at a certain point in this movie and then become worthy as a human being. She actually gets to stay the nerdy girl. So, you know, a step up on all the romantic comedies of the 1990s there. And she's not even that nerdy. She's just a perfectly normal looking girl. It's just

the rest of them, again, look like they're in a delious catalog. Yeah, exactly. She reads a book once, again, look like they're in a Delia's catalog. Yeah, exactly. She reads a book once, so she's like a problem. Yeah. And the main character is like, I don't know, she's like a Mandy Moore dupe. Exactly. Yeah. And she wants to be a great writer.

Right. Just like Jane Austen, who is public domain. It's public domain you're allowed to. Dibs. Do stuff with that. So now we're going to watch her do her morning routine. She works at White Knight Books. This is because of the white horse prophecy or something like that, right?

Well, and also just the white knight, like the white knight. The racism of Mormonism in general. Oh, no, I didn't think it was a Mormon racist reference. I just thought it was like a man on his... Yeah, sexism with the touch of racism. Yeah, it's hard to tell. This was like she's waiting for her white knight to come save her. Exactly. Yeah.

She wants her MRS degree. That's literally what they call it when they're in college. And the girls are trying to get married. Wait, seriously? Oh, yeah. Right, she wants her MRS degree. That's literally what they call it when they're in college and the girls are trying to get married. Wait, seriously? Oh yeah, the MRS degree. Yeah, the guys go off on missions and the girls are waiting for the return missionaries to come back all like horny and ready to get married.

Rough. Because they're, you know, trying to not have sex before they get married. And yeah, they literally call it their MRS degree because so many girls only go to college. They might get a degree, but they never use it. Or they drop out before they finish their degree because they got married. That's all they really wanted. It's fucking gross. Mormonism is the opposite of Jane Austen and they make a movie about this book. That's the point. But we're also establishing in this montage here that she's wacky because she puts fries

on her burger. She also goes to the library during this montage and all the books are color coded at the library, which I found very strange. The choice, the set designer's choice. It's for the gram. It's for the gram, Kara. And then she heads off to her job at the bookstore. Yes, she works in a bookstore because she's the protagonist in a romantic comedy.

Now this is where we're going to be introduced to the pink Bible. The pink Bible is, I don't know what the corollary is supposed to be, but basically all the women in this book, the bad ones or the sinful ones have read this book that's like how to get a man and it's the only book they sell at the bookstore and it's got all the wrong read sinful advice for how to attract a boy in it. So we watch her like reading it a little and the two evil sisters that we mentioned the opening they are going to either be reading from it or sometimes narrating from it at various points of the movie. So she's stacking books when she runs into the one,

the only English heartthrob. But he's not because she doesn't like him. Okay. Right. So this is great, right? Because this is Mr. Darcy. Now, for those of you who have read the Jane Austen books, Mr. Darcy's not handsome.

That's why he's played by Colin fucking Firth, right? He's supposed to be kind of a frumpy guy who's a little bit rude and doesn't really get the whole social bullshit of the Regency era. So they found this fucking male model and to recreate the initial meeting with Darcy that goes off kind of weirdly in the Jane Austen book, he's just going to treat her as an employee like absolute shit. Yeah, because he's British, you know, so he's like pompous. Right. Is this a way, I'm just realizing, is this the plot of Bridget Jones's diary?

Yes, which is also based on Pride and Prejudice. Yay! Okay, okay, it's all coming together for me. All right. Finally, a work of art we coming together for me. All right. Finally, a work of art we can relate to, am I right? Yes. Can we go back for a second, Eli, to the Pink Bible? Yes.

This is like, isn't this kind of like the game but for women and the reverse? Yes, that's what it's supposed to be. But like so that they can exploit themselves. Right. Exactly. Right? Yeah. Because they want to land a man. That's like the whole thing Because they want to land a man.

That's like the whole thing is like how to get a man. But it's all just catering to like man things. Yes. Whereas like the game is like how to get a woman by catering to man things. Yes. The two sides of the dating spectrum. What men want and what men want. Yes. Okay. Sounds like it. But yeah, he's very rude to her here. He's looking, I love this because again, like Darcy is supposed to be smart but brusque,

but this guy's a fucking idiot. He's looking in the wrong section for a book and he's like, I'm actually looking for Kierkegaard and she's like, I'm very versed in Kierkegaard and I wanted so badly for them to just have like a really long argument about fear and trembling, but literally Googling Kierkegaard and I wanted so badly for them to just have like a really long argument about fear and trembling, but literally Googling Kierkegaard and like how to say the name out loud was as far as this movie could go. Well, no, I thought that there was a little depth there because they're like gonna reference existentialism as some sort of counterpoint to Mormonism, but they can't go too far.

So they have to pick like the Christian existentialists. Right. They can't go too far. So they have to pick like the Christian existentialists. Right. They can't actually. Right. The closest they can get to existentialism is the guy who woke up having a panic attack because his religion makes no sense. But so she sends him to the right section.

Right. Cause he's in the gardening section where there are books by apparently Mark Twain and Dr. Phil. Well, the idea there is that she has miss shelved the books and he's where there are books by apparently Mark Twain and Dr. Phil? Well, the idea there is that she has mis-shelved the books and he's calling her on it. Oh, God, you always read these films with so much more depth than I do.

Carrie, you know how when you get emails complaining about you to Skeptics Guide, you're always like, is this a mute cute right now? Like, am I extremely attracted to this emailer? That's what this movie is recreating. That's what it is. Is this a mute cute right now? Like, am I extremely attracted to this emailer? That's what this movie is recreating. That's what it is. Heath, you got anything to add?

I do not. But then as he's about to leave, he totally narks on her to her boss. Yeah, he's a dick. He's a dick. So she's also kind of awful at this point. I don't like anybody yet. Yes. No one in this movie is likable or ever will be likable. Okay, but this guy is supposed to turn into the good guy. That's what happens in the book anyway.

If, like, but he's the worst forever now. He's just a giant dick. No, he turns into the good guy. So like, there's no redeeming this character. Well, but that's the whole point. He's not supposed to be redeemable. And then he is. And then the bad guy

Now that she knows it's Bridget's own Right, he's fucking on lock Fucking in order he and then and then the guy who seems to be the good guy turns out to be a piece of shit Yeah, he's charming. Yeah, so now we check back into the girls apartment This is where we see them practicing the things from the Pink Bible. Apparently they have five finger death punch instructions for the elbow to give him a boner. Well, no, the old sexy elbow trick. Yeah, that's, I know about that. That's a, that's a thing.

Did you catch this part? No, I missed it. I was too focused on this other thing that you guys probably missed where they're all looking in the mirror Like getting ready. Yeah, and one of the girls at this point They don't have names to me because I don't know them. So one is masking curlers girl, which I think is Lydia Yeah, she's like getting ready in the mirror and she has this like wand and she's poking herself in the eye with it Mm-hmm. What was that? That is not I figured you guys just overlooked it cuz you're like that's a beauty ritual I do not understand.

There's probably an eye poke stick. Girl stop. There's no thing for that. I could walk upstairs and see my wife doing to her face that I wouldn't be like I got sats part of it Right, she could be peeling the flesh cleanly away and laying it over the Joker's face for his next crime spree And I'd be like, oh cool the Joker's face for his next crime spree. And I'd be like, oh, cool, the Joker's here. But that was expensive. I actually saw like an Instagram video of a girl peeling like glue off her face. And telling her boyfriend that she was like molting, that all girls do that. He was like mortified and totally bought it because guys are fucking idiots.

100%. But yeah, this I don't know what the fuck she's doing. I think she's like separating her eyelashes with a knitting needle, which makes no sense. Yeah. If this was a joke intended for people who understand beauty rituals, it was definitely lost on me. It was lost on everybody. Yeah, it made no sense.

But the point of this scene is that Argentinian girl, who by the way is from Argentina, she got a letter from a publisher because she's been submitting the protagonist's book to publishers behind her back and against her wishes. Like best friends do. Yeah. We learned that her book was a Napoleonic techno fantasy.

Apparently. The world's only Napoleonic techno fantasy. Feels hard. Feels hard to make one of those. Okay. This felt like a real life thing. Like, the writer of this movie in real life is trying so hard to publish a Napoleonic techno fantasy.

To get their Napoleonic techno fantasy going. I think you're right. There are a lot of real life things that only Mormons would know. They reference somebody named so-and-so Rasmussen, which is such a Mormon name. Oh yeah. There were at least like five in my ward when I was growing up. But she says no and she gets rejected anyways.

So it doesn't really matter. Oh yeah. There's like all this buildup where she's like, Oh, let me read it to you. And I'm like, that's so rude. What did you think was gonna happen? Yeah, exactly. It's very strange.

I would at least check before I did it as like a house wide announcement. Well, she learns that later. Yeah. exactly. It's very strange. I would at least check before I did it as like a housewide announcement. Well, she learns that later. Yeah. Yeah. But it's time for them to go to the party. Which party? It does not matter. This movie will be a series of parties until it's very last seen. It very much feels like a public party, doesn't it? Yeah.

Like a city block party. But it's like a rich person's house. Yeah. It's house. Yeah. It's supposed to be. So we cut over to the party and there we're going to meet our love interest for now. Jack something. Charles. Charles. Oh, first, no, yeah, first we meet Charles.

We don't meet Jack yet. Oh, that's right. We meet Charles first. Charles is guy in Pearl Snap shirt. If you're reading my notes. Yup. Oh, and I put, hello teeth. I mean, Charles. So this and I put, hello teeth. I mean, Charles.

So this is the first of many teeth. Yeah, the first of many. Yeah. And he says that his mom, this is how he's introduced. He goes, my mom's writing an article about Jewish women. I told her she should call it Shebrew. And I just want to say Shebrew is a great pun, Charles. Would you like to be on our podcast?

You could be the tall one, Charles. Listen up. I was confused at this point because he did utter the phrase Jewish feminist movement. The Jewish feminist movement is what the article his mom was writing. But you learn along the way that this guy is very dim. Yeah.

I guess that's a good way. He's like the cute hot guy, right? Who like is dumb and hot and hapless and good. And good. I think he's supposed to be very pure. There's also one of those who's not good. It's interesting characters. They're very complex. Yeah. There's three varieties of men. Good and hot, bad and hot and ugly.

Yeah. This is like pretty close to life. Yes. I'm not going to be too mad at that. The Kara Santa Maria story. The all women who ever existed story. So Collins we meet next. Yes. Collins is bad ugly.

Yes. Collins is bad because he is ugly. No, Collins is bad because he's a fucking predator. Oh, he is. Oh, absolutely. So in this scene, we are introduced to him like he's creepy just because he like cares about her interests and brought her a gift, but he will become violently predatory and homicidal later. I wanted to go back and like redact all my notes defending Collins. Yeah, no, Collins is not okay.

But in this scene, he's just sort of like a hapless nerd. Yeah, he's like a big, tall, oafy guy. He reminds me of, who's he playing, the serial killer in Mindhunter? Really? Not sure. You guys didn't watch Mindhunter? My friend is in Mindhunter. No, I saw, I think I watched the first season, but.

Yeah. He's the shoe guy. The really, your friend's in Mindhunter? Yeah, he's the shoe guy the really the your friends in mind hunter Yeah, he's the shoe guy. Is it son of Sam? No, it's Ed Kemper. He's playing. Yeah Yeah, he's got a real and I'm provides. Yeah sure But if he would if he went by Eddie, that's what we've got here Eddie Eddie Kemper vibes Yeah, he also gives her an article from 1978 I went down a rabbit hole on this Kara. Are you aware of

1978 I know of it. It was five years before I was born. The year? No, the Ladies Magazine. The response to those sinful rags like Cosmopolitan and Vogue. Is it Mormon? Yeah, it's Mormon and it's like a biblical ladies magazine. That means they sell it at the Deseret bookstore. Yeah, exactly. It's the opposite of the Pink Bible.

Yes, exactly. Except not really, because the Pink Bible is, I think, still supposed to be Mormon. Yeah, I think everything's supposed to be within the scope of Mormon, but this is like Mormon Mormon. Yeah. But if it's so Mormon, why would it have the phrase, a virtuous woman never hides her bushels? Ooh.

They all giggle too. They get it. What did that mean? Oh, come on. Don't hide your light under a bushel. Oh. What? I thought it was like, I thought it was like.

No, it's supposed to be a don't hide your. It's a joke about your bush. Mons pubis. Yeah, no, it's a. Your mons pubis things. The movie is making a show us your hairy bush joke. But I think the magazine is supposed to be doing the hide your light under a bushel.

But that was like, I was kind of like, okay, what movie is, are these like ex-Mormons making a movie about Mormonism? I had a moment and then it went away. Fun fact, this scene, the 1978 magazine and the two nerds talking about the track, Kara, did you ever go on the track? Mm-mm. God damn it. I left when I was 15.

Yeah, you got out too early to go on The Trek. Again, for the listeners at home who aren't aware, The Trek is a... I don't want to say summer camp. Pilgrimage. Slash. I see what you did there. Torture.

With pilgrims. I see that. Yeah. Where they send the kids to go on the same journey as the Mormons went across the country Oh, do they eat people too when they get so they don't resort to cannibalism and you know take on multiple wives Unfortunately, do they do the wooden submarine at all or so not the ancient Mormons the like Yeah, the pioneers the pioneer Yeah, the ones who got kicked out and spent time in jail for the crimes that they did.

Oh, so you just go across the country doing treason. Yes, exactly. And murder. Yeah, and just like modern mortals. And cannibalism. Yeah, exactly. And a little bit of cannibalism. But they're talking about this, these two scenes, the 1978 scene and them talking about

the Trek scene that we get here in this party scene are cut From the free versions of the movie that you find on Tubi because they wanted to make it more mainstream Oh A little too esoteric there Uh, I don't get that collins also a very mormon name We definitely had a collins first name collins plural in our ward collins aka ed kemper He thinks somehow that he's better than the nerd girl. Like, he's like the definition in this scene of like,

oh, to have the confidence of a mediocre woman. Like, he's hitting on the hot main character. She's like, dude, I'm not into you. The nerd girl sitting there all demureure and coy and he's literally like disgusted by her And she's interested in the stuff he's interested in And she's pretty and like fine She just wears long sleeves

She's not pretty she wears glasses pay attention And she reads books Yeah, but also they should probably be Somewhat they should have continuity here because the main character also wears glasses from half the movie and reads books. They're not nerds. They're so clearly the couple that's supposed to end up together, though.

Like, they're a dumb love polygon. Like, they might as well be shaped like lockets that smash into each other. Two puzzle pieces, two magnets just massively resisting each other as the movie continues. And yet, still, the guy's like like but I'm better than you because I got dick yeah exactly and then Jack oh my god Jack can we talk about Jack he looks like he got the Matt Gaetz special like Jack has some intense features yeah

lot of teeth again lot of teeth yeah I call him Paul Ruddy in my notes. Okay, okay. I think Paul Ruddy, it's kind of giving him to make a compliment. Paul Rudd's pretty mad about this as he's listening to our podcast. Paul Rudd, you're Kipling? I called him Young, oh fuck, what's his name?

You know, the pirate, rapist. Johnny Depp? Yeah, or wife beater, the pirate wife beater, yes. Young Johnny Depp? Neil Gaiman. He looked like young Johnny Depp. Neil Gaiman. Yeah. He looked like young Johnny Depp. He looked like Johnny Depp in Cry Baby.

Ooh, I see that, I see that. But yeah, he is a big fan of our protagonist. They have a scene where they play pool and he asks her to go to Vegas and marry him and she says no, so we're gonna pass over that. Oh yeah, that was weird. They get all the pool wrong, it's fine, yeah. They get all the pool wrong. It's fine. Yeah, they get all the pool right.

I was mad. Is it literally just there to enrage Heathen, right? Oh, they're also playing it in a black void. Did you guys notice that? Yeah. It's just a pool. They're lit. They play pool inside a doodly-doo and then don't acknowledge it at all and move on.

Oh, and my favorite line from the book here, she's talking about the pink Bible, and he's like, oh, I've read it. And she's like, really? And he's like, yeah, dozens, plural of times. Yes. Who has read a book dozens, plural of times? Eli has read it dozens, dozens, thousands.

24 times. Eli has read Pride and Prejudice. There are definitely, I will say this, there are definitely books. I have read 24 times. No, there are not, Eli. 100%. Eli. There are books that I have read 24 times. No, there are not, Eli. 100%. Eli. There are books that I have read significantly more than 24 times, and I would like to move on, Senator.

Eli. Okay. Did you know Eli's mom is a Lee Bennett Hopkins Award winner? Ooh. Kara will care about that. She's not a plebeian like you. But more than 24. I'm stuck on 24 times. I don't want to talk about it. Eli, have you talked to your therapist about this? No, I don't talk to my therapist.

Every time he does- You just sit there with your arms crossed. Every time I say something to him, he writes it down and he goes, well, that's pretty important. So yeah, that's why there's better help. All right. So now we head back to the party. It's time for some shenanigans.

The two mean sisters are going to cut the music because the party is going too well and if the party goes too well, Charlie and Jack will choose other women? Yeah, the mean one, what's her name again? Lydia? She has a Leatherman in her sequined butterfly purse. She's got a multi-tool. I do like that. It's the weirdest thing ever. This made me warm on Lydia and Kitty who are supposed to be the bad characters, but by

the end of this this I was like, I think they're the only ones I like in this movie. What does that say about you Heath? I like a leatherman carrying lady. Okay, so Lydia is by far the most atrocious character in this entire film, but why are we lumping Lydia together with Electrocuted Girl? That's true. Oh, we haven't gotten there yet. She is just a victim in all of this. She's like hapless and sweet.

She really is. She just constantly is victimized by this movie. And she is also the youngest of all of them. Yes. But I do have to point out that Lydia is actually the best character in the movie because she is the one who owns the pug. So, you know, different opinions. But she almost kills her sister.

She does. This is where she almost kills her sister She does this is where she almost kills her sister her sister attempts to cut I think it's the main power to the house with the multi-tool Yeah, cutting a watch just unplug though. It's the wire to like the band's amp, right? Yeah, just unplug it It's also like in every movie ever where there's like a bomb that they have to diffuse They sit there and stress and sweat over which wire to cut in this one. She's like cut the wire There's like 70 wires. Yeah, she's like I'll just cut this one. No hesitation and then almost dies Yeah, she gets comedy electrocuted which I gotta say is the thing I do miss from mainstream cinema where a person would do a thing that absolutely 100% would kill them

But we know they're not dead because their hair just sticks out all funny after it happens. Yeah. Yeah. And then, oh, we also check in on Darcy again. This is Charlie. Charlie is checking the power in the garage because again, the shenanigans happened and Darcy is in there reading because he's an intellectual.

He's in a convertible parked in the garage. I thought it was like a suicide scene. It felt like he walked in on that. Yes, that was weird. I wasn't jerking off. I was reading this manuscript. Yeah, he's reading a manuscript in a three ring binder. Yeah. OK, so that will pay off later.

But for this point in the movie, I was like, dude, what the fuck are you reading? I bought a script for Reservoir Dogs from a guy on 42nd and 7th. Really brushing up on my literature. This is also where he says that all the women in the party are too stupid to talk to. And I have a hot take here. I've literally never spoken to a man who talked to me about how stupid women were, who wasn't the dumbest fucking douche I've ever met. Like that guy's next words are always ice bath.

Like a hundred percent of the time. Yeah. This is the first time, but not the last, that I wrote in my notes. I feel like Jane Austen would prefer this movie had not been made. Oh, a hundred percent. Yeah. Although she didn't know what movies were. Right. Okay.

So now we cut back to the party. Because the speaker is cut, nerdy girl goes up and sings a song, and everyone makes fun of her. Yeah. Sadly, Mary the stereotype is a legit Mormon stereotype. Yeah. We all had one Mary in our ward. Right. Exactly. But the plot works because now we cut to Lydia and Lydia has bumped into, is this Jack or Charlie? They're identical. It's so hard to tell. Oh, at first Lydia, yeah, Lydia's going after Charlie. Yes.

Lydia basically wants to steal Charlie from Argentinian Jane. Yes, exactly. And she stages a meet-cute here based on like the pink Bible strategy, I guess. It's got a diagram and everything. Yeah, the idea is like, do that bump into thing and you know, you drop all your books or whatever. So she like stages that,

but Charlie doesn't react to it at all. He's about to leave. And then she's like, fuck, okay, plan B. She does the old sexy elbow trick for a second. And it- What's the elbow trick? It's- That's what they teased earlier in the movie,

the five finger death punch of elbows. What is it though? It's like wrist control, but elbow, and it's sexy. Yeah, I think you're supposed to like, when you squeeze a guy's elbow, it's supposed to win him over, is what the book is claiming. Oh.

I figured as a doctor, you would know about this. This is a common medical phenomenon. They didn't teach me that in grad school. No, they didn't teach you in dentistry school? All right, well. And, you know, PhD school. If someone's ever dying and they seem like they could use some arousal. The old funny bone.

Pretty sure that violates every ethical principle. No, you're not supposed to squeeze the elbows. Of your clients? We also meet here intense eyes blonde lady with pearls around her neck. Oh yeah. Other evil white lady. It's hard to keep track. Yeah.

They really needed to limit their choice down of evil white ladies in this film. There are quite literally, I'm not joking, three different villainous women who will introduce at various points throughout the movie confusions that will make the protagonist upset and they are identical except that this one always wears pearls and her hair up. This one's Caroline. Yes. Caroline scares me.

She has like these eyes that pierce through your soul. Yeah, she's pretty scary. She's good casting. Okay, but now we're going to meet, I think, my favorite character in the movie other than Austin the Pug. So, we cut back to Mary singing on the stage because the band stopped. Because the power was out. And she's singing and everybody's just silently watching her sing. Like, my Bonnie lives over the ocean. Weird thing.

And then one guy in the background through the silence is like, you suck! Therefore this party sucks! Yep, my favorite line in cinema. Yes, he uses therefore. Including therefore during his yell. I had to pause. I laughed a lot at this moment. I definitely felt like I was watching Empire Records at this point. It's equivalent to Empire Records, this film. And I think we need heckling narrator guy everywhere, right? That's just like a fun, fun guess. We need him in every movie.

Absolutely. So now we cut back to Colin and Darcy. This is where Darcy sees Jack for the first time and Jack's like, oh, hey, Darcy. And Darcy's like, fuck off right now. And he's like, okay, whatever. I wanted to leave to establish that they have a history. Yeah, I wrote, okay. So Jack and Darcy have beef.

I wrote, please be gay lovers. Please be gay lovers. Please be gay lovers. You wrote, you read the book dozens, plural of times. So you read this book dozens of times. Don't lie. God. Have that was. I didn't read this book dozens of times, Kara. Don't lie. Have you, and Darcy, let's, I want to point out here, have you ever seen a college-aged boy,

which clearly he's not, he's like 42 years old playing a college-aged boy, but have you ever seen a college-aged boy at a rager wearing a blazer? Okay. Sometimes blazers are a snappy thing. I feel like there's about to be unity. You wear a chapeau.

Thank you. You wore blazers when you were 19. I, the first night of college, I went out with my roommates and I might have worn a sports jacket. Of course you did, Eli. And it went, not great. It went swimmingly. So I probably went home and read that book for a 26th time.

Everybody's just handing you keys the whole time. You're like, I'm not the valet. I'm not the valet. I don't work here. I mean, I will clear your glasses, but duh. But yeah, they're hinted that they have a history. We all wrote that they used to fuck every single one of us. That's what it seemed like.

Wishful thinking. He's like, my name's Darcy. Oh, his name. Oh, she's asking Jack about him because she's like, oh, you know that dick? He's such a dick, right? And he's like, his name's Darcy. We totally in the past.

Have a history is like almost exact words. Yeah, we have a disagreement about a girl. And then he's like, yeah, about a girl. Yeah, a girl. Which by the way, like spoilers, we'll talk about what their actual disagreement is. That is not how you would phrase their situation in any way. About a girl. Which by the way, like spoilers, we'll talk about what their actual disagreement is. That is not how you would phrase their situation in any way.

About a girl? Yeah, about my sister. My sister. Yep. Oh wait, but it was Jack talking. So it is how he would say it. Hmm, maybe. Well, everyone in this movie is gonna talk past each other

to like set up stupid plots. So now the movie's talking past the audience to go along with that theme, I guess. Yeah. So we get a scene where Argentinian girl is in love with Charlie. I don't know what happened in this scene because the pug is in the scene. So my notes are in order. Pug, pug.

Yes, go over there and say hi to the pug. Please go to the pug in the movie. I asked so little of you. So yeah, thanks. She's in love with Charlie. That's all you need to know. We made it pretty far into how far would you say we are into the movie at this point? Almost exactly a third. Okay, because we made it pretty far before like my notes start to descend a little bit

into madness. Yeah, like this is where the first time I wrote I legit don't care about anything anyone is doing or talking about. Which usually happens much earlier. So... I didn't write that. I thought that though. I wrote, Pug has a bottle. He bottle. So this baby pug is being fed like pug baby formula. From a little bottle. It's the best.

Yes. It's the best. How could you not love it? So now we cut to the next day. The boys are playing tennis. This is Charlie and Darcy playing tennis while the girls basically just update us on what has happened in the movie so far. Right.

Just like Jane Austen intended. Just like Jane Austen intended. They brought lemonade to like lady watch the man sporting and they're just sitting on the sidelines of this tennis. Yeah, this is the sisters, right? They're watching them, and the bad sister is like, got googly eyes over Charlie. Right, and Caroline is also there.

Oh, Caroline's there. This is where we get Caroline's name. That's Pearl Necklace, who was scary in the last scene, and will be scary in future scenes. Yeah, she's wearing pearls in her tennis costume. They manage, I think they manage to fail the Bechdel test in this book slash movie by Jane Austen. I know.

So many. Where 99% of the dialogue is between women. They fail the Bechdel test. They really nail, is there like a murdering, is there an anti-Bechdel test, right? The Matt Powell test that they're actually passing with flying colors. But the whole point of this scene is that at the end, Darcy is one and he says, oh, I could give you a tennis lesson. And she's like, you don't remember you were rude to

me. And he's like, oh, we have sexual tension because it's the nineties and treating each other poorly established sexual tension in the nineties. You're talking about Elizabeth, right? Yes. Yes. Yeah. And she's like, F you, I'm going home. Also, she about Elizabeth, right? Yes. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. And she's like, F you, I'm going home. Also, she's all sweaty and disheveled and that's like hot to Darcy.

Yeah. Whereas the girls who are all made up and trying to be pretty do not catch their attention. Oh, I didn't catch. That's actually redeeming him a little bit here. I didn't notice. Darcy's actually, I think they make him a relatively good character. Eventually. He's got a chip on his make him a relatively good character. Eventually. He's got a chip on his shoulder at the beginning.

Yeah. At the beginning when he's in the bookstore, he has a chip on his shoulder because rightly so living in fucking Provo or Salt Lake or wherever they are, he's like, what is with all the women in this town? So when he's at the bookstore and he's trying to have an interesting conversation with somebody, he's like pissy about it. Cause he's like Mormon women just constantly are talking about how much they want to get married. Interesting.

Okay. All right. That's how I read him. Like he's only shitty for one scene. Yes, just give him the one scene of shittiness. Yeah, and the rest of the movie he's trying to make up for it, which is very similar to the novel. Who is he in Bridget Jones' diary? Colin Firth. He's Colin Fir make up for it, which is it which is very similar to the novel. Who is he in Bridget Jones diary?

Colin Firth, he's Colin Firth who's awkward and and Cold and with somebody else and later it turns out to be delightful also the was Darcy and then what's his name? Hugh Grant you grant is Jack is Jack for sure. Yeah, so for everybody listening just superimpose those characters For everyone who wants to attune to the real work of literature is Jack for sure. Yeah. So for everybody listening, just superimpose those characters. For everyone who wants to attune to the real work of literature. I've seen that movie dozens of times. So this is helping. There you go. See, Bridget Jones is Elizabeth. And none of the other female characters are in Bridget Jones's diary.

For the younger members of the audience, Bridget Jones's diary is a remake of Pride and Prejudice where the 126 pound Renee Zellweger is supposed to be, their words not mine, mega fat. Yep. Yep. Yep. It's a real yikes-a-roo. Yikes indeed.

Also, Caroline is in the movie. Yep. Because Caroline is Colin Firth's fiance. Yes. In the film. Yes. Yep. Yep. Yep the film. Yes. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Correct.

Can we just switch to Bridget Jones' Diary? Exactly. In the 2002. No, it's like, I'm gone for one week. You switch movies halfway through. You just did a positive review of Bridget Jones' Diary for two days of the episode. Damn it, I gave you all one job. But now it's time for us to really hate Collins, right?

So Collins is going to show up with some flowers. Oh, God. And his proposal speech begins with, I'm willing to overlook the things about you I hate. I wrote in my notes, the Anna Bosnik story. And then he says, I know it's tiny, but so I wrote the Eli Bosnik story. And then he says, sometimes when a girl says no, she means yes. And I wrote the Neil Gaiman story. Yes.

He says, mom says that sometimes when a girl... He goes there with flowers and says, will you marry me? Which, what the fuck? And she's like, no, I'm not going to marry you. And he's like, why? You've been flirting with me for weeks. And she's like, I've been nice to you because I feel sorry for you. And then he's like, Mom says sometimes when a girl says no, she means yes. What the fuck?

Yeah, not great. Yeah. And it gets worse. She's like, no, I haven't been flirting with you. You've been paying me to cut your hair. Yeah. I was like, oh my God. Yeah. And he's like, but the way you touch my scalp.

What does he say at one point? He goes, I find your forward feminist ways very exciting. Terrifying. And like right next to the other, it was like, my mom taught me that no means yes. I enjoy your feminism. Despite that, will you marry me? Yeah. And remember, this guy has major Ed Kemper vibes.

Yes. I wrote my notes at this point. At some point in the scene I wrote, this would be a funny scene if it wasn't how women get murdered like significant amounts of the time. Yes. Yes. Yes. He tells her that they have been commanded to multiply and replenish the earth. Yeah. Which is such a Mormon line. You hear it all the time, but in this context, it's extra creepy.

Yeah. He snaps and he yells that and then he's like, all right, well, you know what? I might be leaving. This offer is off the table in three... Two... You're not doing it? Two... LAUGHS One and a half is how I go to... Fuck! And he just leaves. And then he leaves.

Can we dissect this exit? He closes the flowers in the door. And when he does that, he yelled, Fetch! Fetch! Which like, what's the lineup? So this movie came out in 2002 or 2003. When was Mean Girls?

It was later than that, right? This was a mean movie reference. Oh, the movie was trying to make Fetch happen. I have always said Mean Girls is based on Pride and Prejudice, the latter day comedy. And Kara's the only one brave enough to say it. Tina Fey pulling out headphones, super angry. No, she's angry because we're on tour.

That's right. She's afraid. Yeah. And then last thing before the scene's over, Jack just shows up to like, to reestablish himself in the movie and he's like, who wants to go on a date with me? All of you? Still in this film. Yeah, that's it. All right. We'll find out what happens, but first we're going to take a quick break, and then we'll be back with Act Two of Waterboarding Jane Austen's Eternal Soul. Helen, listen to me.

We can't let Julie's party be the event of the season. Brad will, like, literally forget our names. Totally. We have only one choice. We have to cut the power. It's getting total blackout Here use these garden shears Helen are you okay? Hey, Amanda. What's that? Wow? Wow, what happened? We're doing like

shenanigans by touching the main power to somebody's house with Metal is that metal? Yes. Okay, well, I'm pretty sure your friend's dead. No, she'll be okay. Slay! Will she? Maybe. I'm dead.

Are you? Oh no, she's literally dead. Brat Summer! Alright. Hahaha. Oh no, she's literally dead. Brat Summer! And we're back. When we left off, the obnoxious pretty boy Jack showed up to invite Elizabeth to a different scene. And now we're there at a so-called Indian restaurant. But we're in Provo, Utah.

So that's the context. Oh, Heath, as someone about to head to Salt Lake City and bask in its delicious avocado toast, a spice-free Indian cuisine, which I am 1000% sure this is, is something I look forward to with aplomb. Okay. Well, their example in the scene of, you know, adventurous ethnic food is chicken tikka masala. Which by the way is Scottish. Yeah, it was invented in the UK by a Bangladeshi chef who is there hoping to let white people think they were eating Indian food. That's why that dish exists. And it's delicious.

Yeah, it was in Glasgow. Also, did you guys see the waiter that they showed for like a half a second at the end of the scene? Was it, it was vaguely racist, right? Extremely. The Sikh gentleman? I mean, look, I'm not saying that a Sikh person can't work at an Indian restaurant. Obviously Sikh people work a variety of jobs. What I am saying is that this movie definitely thought that turban meant Indian. Yeah, they were not going for Sikh there. They were going for snake charmer. That's what was happening there. This is insensitive Halloween costume. That's what they were aiming for.

This was the restaurant's weird uniform like cheeseburger in paradise with the grass skirts, but like this hat that they give you. No, that's a turban and this is seek. Ah, it's the uniform Yeah, so now it's time for us to get Jack's version of the backstory with Darcy intrigue He was in love with Darcy's sister But Darcy broke it off because he's middle class and then he tried to bribe him not to see her again But it didn't work and then he immediately tries to tongue kiss her. Yeah. He never really explains why. Like, it's weird. He's like, Darcy didn't want me to marry his... No, he said date his sister.

Darcy offered me a bribe and then it still didn't work out. He didn't take the bribe. No. And then the sister broke up with him anyway. Right. Cool. Yeah. And then he attempts to up with him anyway. Right. Cool. Yeah. And then he attempts to slam his face into her face.

At this point, I wrote in my notes, if your seduction technique doubles for Muay Thai boxing, not a great sign. Not a great sign. I like how you say Muay Thai. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that we weren't all in the fight pits, Kara. Muay Thai. We aren't all covered in the names of the men we killed in the ring.

Making a website. This part's weird to me though, because clearly... Making a website right now. Up until this point, Elizabeth is clearly into Jack, right? Like that's what they're painting. Like she's super hot for Jack. She's thinking about Jack all the time. Jack goes in to kiss her. She like, she goes, slow down cowboy.

And I'm like, I don't get, is she asexual? Like, what are they going for here? Cause she's, not that she's required to, of course not, but like she wants to kiss him, right? Like that's- She's a proper Mormon lady. She's a proper Mormon girl. Mormons kiss.

Some kiss. But first they, you know, duck you like Neo in the matrix for a little bit. And then eventually, like a lady. Maybe the la in the Matrix for a little bit and then eventually, like a lady. Maybe the laxacadasical come and go Mormons where you come from, Kara. Yeah, down there in Texas. Exactly.

The only thing that proper Mormons do is soak and jump on the bed. Did you notice though that earlier when they were at the tennis game they were drinking red can coke? I did notice that. Why? That's not Mormon. It's not. It should have been red can coke. I did notice that why that's not Mormon. It's not It should have been it should have been caffeine free coke. Mm-hmm Do they not have like caffeine free in the regular can just for Utah? No, it's like it's like a gold or silver

It's a weird gold color. Yeah, the soda machines are that color too to let you know, you're not accidentally gonna get caffeine It's very funny. Very funny. But yeah, they have that scene. Now we get another title card. I don't know if I've mentioned this yet, but this movie uses Jane Austen quotes as the title cards in between scenes, but as the movie goes on, it is less and less like quotes you would recognize from Pride and Prejudice and more and more things like, two weeks later or four o'clock. But it's early in the movie, so we get those who do not complain are never pitied and she's complaining about the plot of the movie to her boss. It's early in the movie still at this point?

Jesus Christ. Yeah, she's she's bitching about pressure to marry to her old man boss. It's very uncomfortable and he has a big hole in his sweater. I don't know if you guys notice that. Just desperately trying not to talk about a 19 year old's sex life as he runs his shop. I like that the old man boss says nothing. She's talking the whole time about weird, awkward, inappropriate stuff. He says nothing and you just see in his eyes being like,

you hear me not responding to anything. Stop talking to me about that stuff. It's not okay. Oh, is this the part where she's talking about a bunch of like losers that she's gone on dates with and it shows a montage? The failed dating montage. And she's supposed to be 19, 20 and these are like all 45 year old men. Yeah.

All of them. Yeah. These are supposed to be pursuers, but they are more her dad's friends. Let's see. We have the guy who only read comic books, the guy couldn't read too tall. I wrote in my notes Heath Are you okay? Oh? And then the last one is just oh, I'm not thank you Not okay, and then the last guy is just a guy with an ventriloquist dummy

I'm not sure if you notice this, but I love that you called them her Pursuiters. Yeah her Pursuiters Good I like that. I them her pursuers. Yeah, her pursuers. Exactly. It's good, I like that. I write like toddler's talk. You know, the adorable like malapropisms that toddlers do. That's how I write the English language at the age of 37. But is that where suitors comes from? It might have the same root.

I don't, maybe. They pursued her. Maybe I'm too good at the English language if you think about it. So yeah, Jack is here. No, Darcy shows up, right? Yeah, pop scare. Yeah, Darcy does a pop scare and he has something he'd like to talk to her about, which means

that the movie is over. It's weird too because he just shows up and he looks like, hey, what's going on? But she's been talking this whole time about how she hates Darcy and loves Jack and all men are trash. Yeah. But then he's like, Hey, what's up? And you're like, you heard all of that, right? Yeah. So what is supposed to happen, they're smushing two scenes together here to make them both

nonsensical. So there are two scenes in Pride and Prejudice, AKA Bridget Jones's diary. Okay. The first scene is Darcy has been rooted a party earlier, so Elizabeth is talking shit about Darcy and then she does like, he's right behind me, isn't he? And then he bites her head off like a Tyrannosaurus. Oh, I remember that in Bridget Jones's diary. In Bridget Jones's diary, the work of literature.

Exactly. The second scene is the scene where he tries to ask Elizabeth out later in the movie and is kind of fumbly and awkward about it and he says, I find you strangely attractive. Something that they repeated in this film. Right? But that was supposed to be like a much bigger deal in Pride and Prejudice. I find you strangely attractive is like, what's that pussy smell like in Regency England? So it's supposed to be a much bigger deal in the team. But they've combined those two scenes which makes them both nonsense because she's like, I fucking hate Darcy. And then he's like, Oh, I'm here. Anyways,

I find you strangely attractive. Right? Right. Like if I walked up on someone and they were talking about how much they hate me of fear that I have every time I woke up to anybody, I would not then ask them out. Oh, well, you don't have the confidence of a mediocre one. Yeah, it's true. All I could do is I do. Yes, I fucking do. You're on our podcast. And they deliver. So did the paycheck. All I could notice in this scene, all I could notice, the only thing was that all the books on the bookshelf were fucking placed horizontally. It was insane. They were.

It was the craziest system I've ever seen. Yeah. It was so stressful. And I think so the writer again did ridiculous like stage direction here, but didn't have any specificity to it. It just said like, do something funny and clumsy. The guy who plays Darcy. And he was like, all right, I'll pick up books off the shelf and then throw them

up in the air, like an infomercial. And he's like, clumsy, charming, please date me. And she's like, no. Like a Victorian infomercial. Who's seen a mouse. Our sponge is hard to wash with. And he's actually a good actor. I'd say the one good actor is the guy who plays Darshan. He is. He's probably the strongest actor.

Ahhhhhhh! Let me make an argument. Let me make an argument. Let me throw this at you. He's in like real movies. He was in Death on the Nile recently. Great movie. Great film. Let me throw this at you. If your performance is handsoming, it's easier than not. Also, yeah, his whole personality was a British accent. Having his face was his job. He's not handsome. Okay, can we take a second? He's not handsome. Disagree. He was a beautiful man. What are you talking about?

Kara, this is almost as bad as the time you said that pugs weren't the greatest thing ever to happen. This is... You've crossed us for the last time. This is bad. Okay. All right. All right. He's just British. You guys are... You guys are having the same...

Is he hot or is he British? Exactly. You guys are falling into the trap. Welcome to being a woman in the modern dating scene. Is he cute or does he just have tattoos? Is he cute or does he just have a British accent? He has the accent. That counts for points. That's real.

You are talking about two things Heath and I fall for hard. Carats and Maria. So you are alone right now. You are all alone on this podcast. One woman show. All right. So now it's time for another title card. This is the dullest topic might be rendered interesting by the skill of the speaker, which

is a great intro for church, which is about to happen. Yeah. So Collins is going to give a sermon on marriage, which is the scariest thing in the film. Basically his point is if a guy proposes, you should say yes. And if you don't, when he murders you, it's fine. Oh, yeah. Collins is revealing himself as a literal incel at this point. And he is pulling a full Harrison Butker. And if you don't know who that is, that's the NFL player,

whose mom is a literal medical physicist who did that whole women should stay home and be wives and have kids, you know, during the college commencement address. God, that ruled. That's basically what Collins, aka, Ed Kemper, is doing. Exactly. And this is the first of her fantasy montages, which I was very confused by. So Elizabeth doesn't have doodly-doos in Pride and Prejudice, and neither does Bridget Jones in Bridget Jones's Diary, the much more important work. But for some reason at this point, the movie, Pride and Prejudice, a Latter Day comedy,

introduces that Elizabeth will occasionally have fantasies. So she fantasizes about throwing her Book of Mormon at Collins' face and everyone applauds for her. It's her hymnal, thank you. Oh, her hymnal. Yes. You don't have just your Book of Mormon at Wilson. I don't know.

You're embarrassing yourself. Yeah, thanks man. And most people's Book of Mormons are like soft, soft, covered. Pleathered. Pleathered, yeah, they're pleathered with their name emblazoned. Good for throwing at people,

cause that's gonna happen. Yeah. And they come in like a little twofer, like a little leather case that has the Book of Mormon and the Bible next to each other. That was very much a hymnal, which lives in the pew. Do the fancy people have like an extra holster for like Pearl of Great Price or whatever? Yeah. No, Pearl of Great Price and Doctrine and Covenants are printed at the end of the Book

of Mormon. It's all in one. Oh, it's in the book. Okay. Yeah, it's in the book. I'm embarrassing myself. Yeah, stop embarrassing yourself. Also, did you notice the way that the bishop, when he finally is like,

dude, you need to get down, you're embarrassing yourself, he's like, next up we have Miss Vasquez, and I vomited in my mouth. Jane Argentina is here. Jane Argentina. She's brought quasi-dillas for the group. Yeah, and then afterwards she's gonna take us to Taco Bell and pronounce our orders for us.

SHANNON LAUGHS So the title cards at this point are getting weak. This is a fortnight later. Jain is very sad because Charlie is gone. And the only reason I include this scene is because Charlie is in America searching for ancient Native American burial grounds. And I wrote, if they're the ones I think you're searching for, Charlie, good luck.

Oh, for sure. This was like Ruins of Nephi. Yes, absolutely. Came across on the sub. The wooden Titus dish onto a dish submarine. Oh, I didn't get that. That's, yeah, that's rough. And he sent her a Dear Jane letter. You got to love that.

Like a literal Dear Jane letter. Kara, this is a modern hit movie. He sent her a Dear Jane email. Email, yes, that's true. Electronic mail. It's the newest thing. Do you know that there's a Britney Spears song called Email My Heart? Amazing. I did not know that. Probably from the same air.

So now we're going to cut to the day of her big business lunch with the literary agent. What business lunch you ask? I don't fucking know. At some point in this haberdashery of scenes, a literary agent wrote that they would like to discuss her book with her. Great. Now you're all cut up and now it's time for her to have lunch. We see her drive there and run out of gas and fix her car with a wrench.

She fixes the lack of gas with a wrench. With the socket wrench. And then she arrives. Yeah. And so she heads to this lunch. She throws her keys to Eli wearing a blazer. That's the ballet. And she does this thing that I love movies do, right?

So movies always cue you that a restaurant is fancy because the maître d' is a piece of shit. Yeah. And he's always gay too. He's like a snobby gay man. Yeah, exactly. They always call him gay. And he's always like, as though rich people want someone to be like, get the fuck out of my restaurant.

They do though. That character's code is gay. Therefore, this is a problematic movie. Yeah, see? Heath, you could be this job. Heckler narrator guy. When they start doing it, I think it's fantastic. We need them everywhere.

But yeah, so now... I don't think you read this book by Jane Austen, therefore this is also a bad movie. I've read it. Dozens. Oh, you're talking about it. Dozens. Not this movie! Not this book, Kara.

People are going to be quizzing me at live shows. Bridget Jones' Diary, the book based on the movie. It's awesome. Thank you, yes. Dozens of times. I, the book based on the movie. It's awesome. Thank you. I read the novelization of Jurassic Park. And this whole Jurassic Park, Jurassic Park, it's great. He's very tall.

Anyways, who should show up at the literary agent? Why it's Darcy. Yes. He's the D in D and G publishing. This I don't get. Okay. Can we take a minute? I know we don't have much time. Well, maybe we have enough time.

We have enough time. Kara. Good, okay. Kara, we have all the time in the world. I need to deconstruct it. No one's listening to this right now, desperately saying out loud in his office, no, you fucking don't make a joke on my podcast, but he's not here this week. Cause I assume they're ripping out his teeth

or he had a heart attack again. So this D, Darcy, in DNG Publishing, he co-owns a publishing house. He's clearly 45, but playing a 19 year old, right? I think he's supposed to be a little bit older. Like he's definitely supposed to be post college, yeah. 23 year old. And I think Elizabeth says she's 26 at one point.

She's in college and 26 according to the movie. Oh, maybe she went on a mission. Interesting, getting a doctorate. She's gonna be a dead people dentist. She might have gone on a mission. Okay. Yeah, they do, but not all women do that. Kara's still in school.

So, no I'm not. She's getting her MRS, PhD or whatever. Whoa, Kara called out by Heathen, right? That's what he said. I have nothing clever to say in response to that. Morgan. Morgan. Morgan.

Please replay the part where Kara said the thing that I was calling back to. Please cut the entry. Just delete all of it. Noah, we're very sorry. Anyways. So, he co-owns a publishing house. Kara literally got us back into the podcast with a thigh slap whelp.

Yeah. Whelp. Better be hitting the old desks. Do you guys want to do some comedy or did you want Noah to come to your houses and kill you? Sometimes I'm afraid that my retorts to certain things won't be funny. They'll just be mean. That's true.

So I decide- You did once tell Heath that he was a bag of flesh worth nothing and that you would celebrate his suicide with Garner's banners. Okay, but that was mean and funny. It was a good roast. It was a great roast. That's clearly an Eli-ism.

That does not sound very Kara. I think you dreamed that. KaraSantaMaria.com says otherwise. Morgan? It actually doesn't anymore. So now I'm understanding too that he's the D in D and G publishing because his last name is Darcy, which I didn't know because they didn't tell us that. Right.

Because then I was like, he keeps talking about his partner Janice and I'm like, is Janice the G? Janice with a G. That's really confusing. Tara says GIF instead of GIF. I do. So yeah, I was lost. So you would be fine with it.

Exactly. Yeah. So he tells her then, he talks about how her story is really interesting and he thinks she's a great writer, but it needs some work. And in giving her some quote, constructive feedback, he tells her the story is incoherent. Okay. So this is amazing. The movie writer accidentally wrote a scene with a publisher roasting the movie script

that was being written, I thought later at the time. It's the best. It's so funny because what very obviously happened is this person who can't write was like, well, what kind of feedback do I get when people read my writing? They tell me my writing is incoherent and it's filled with spelling mistakes. Napoleonic techno fantasy is not a thing. Therefore, you're stupid.

There you go. Exactly, and so this person was like, well, even though he wants to write her book, he would probably say the things that all of those script readers have said to me about this movie. To be fair, that's what I say about your running commentary. Well, and I have always taken it as the flirting that it is, Karen.

You're so much gooder. So much gooder. This whole podcast has been our meat, cute Karen. Eli finds you strangely attractive. He would like that. Oh, God, it's painful. But my favorite is her response to that. She goes, because he's like, oh, there's some spelling mistakes.

And her response is, I've already done ten drafts. Like she just wanted to be raw dog published exactly the way it is. Yep, yep, yep, yep. And then she gets mad at him and pretends like she's gonna throw a drink in his face. And I can't help but feel like, what are the stakes in this movie? Like has this character ever dealt with anything

of consequence in her life ever? No. Absolutely not. She has an offer to be published and he tells her that an experienced editor needs to edit her book and she gets like offended by that. So offended. Again, the real writer of the movie has had that happen many times about the Napoleonic fantasy or whatever and is mad about this. So the character here is like, oh, is this about me turning you down for a date earlier?

Oh, yeah. The publisher guy, he's like, Darcy,cy's like, no, that's just a coincidence. It's like a bad plot point that needs editing. That's what that is. Don't worry about it. Also, I'm offering to publish the book. I'm just telling you it needs editing. Why would I bring you here and offer to publish the book as revenge for you saying no to dating me.

But yeah, she fantasizes about throwing water at him. Kara, have you ever gotten to throw water at someone? I probably have gotten to, but I didn't. You never did like the martini glass to the face thing? I don't drink. Still, you could just get a martini for throw. I could just throw somebody else's martini glass. Explain that it's a throwing martini.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I don't know. I've never found this. Kara,'s somebody else's? Throwing martini. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I don't know. I've never found... Kara, I want you to know next time we eat together, you can throw a drink at Heath. It'll be super fun. Oh, okay. I was about to volunteer myself.

All right. There you go. It's all working out. Perfect. We'll put it on TikTok. All right. So now we get a being sad about the last scene montage. Darcy wrote her an email that says, sorry, I say mean stuff when people are around.

And I wrote my note, the no illusions story. And this is where he explains the real story with Jack that Jack married his sister in Las Vegas and then ran up a big bill in her name. I was like, this is so silly. And then I Googled Mormons getting married in Vegas. And I gotta say, I am loving the loophole-ism of Mormonism. Oh yeah. Before I learn about it.

It's like every religion. They love their loopholes. Yeah. This is apparently a very common thing is that teens who just can't wait to have sex will go to Vegas, get married at a drive-through like wedding chapel and then go fucking their parents Aren't mad about it because that's the rules That's the rules box. Yeah, they belly checked it. You can't complain checked Although to be fair like most parents would be mad about it because they want their kids to get married in the temple

Whoa? Yeah, see that's what I would think I would be like, you can't cheat and do a drive-through marriage thing. Are there not Mormon drive-through temples in Vegas? No. No, I don't think so. We should start one of those. Oh, there's our big chance. Hey, we're going there anyways.

We're an hour away by plane. And so what ultimately happens in Darcy's version of the story? Jack marries Darcy's sister in Vegas, has a gambling addiction, like basically steals a bunch of her money. And then how does it end? Well, she goes to divorce him and then it turns out he was already married to another girl. So she didn't even have to. Right. And they play that up like it's a bad thing, which is kind of funny given the religion.

Yes. I like that they show one little poker moment about his gambling addiction. He proudly lays down like a pair of sixes and loses because that's, you know, he's got a gambling addiction. Yeah. But apparently he's at like a high stakes five-car draw table in Las Vegas. Yeah. Sure.

Yeah. You know, those famous go fish tables that they have on every corner in Las Vegas? Baseball, nines and threes are wilds. Yeah, fours you can buy a card. I'm confused still about Jack and his motives. So I'm trying to empathize here with Jack. Jack is married already. Why isn't he just with that wife? Already ran up all her credit cards. He needs a new girl to run the credit cards up on. And then he just keeps coming back to Salt Lake? Yeah, I guess.

He just keeps... Why does he keep going for Mormon girls? Because everybody wants to get married. Because everyone wants to get married. And he's just got this thing. And they have that Mormon gold. Why does he marry them in order to run up there? Oh, because then he has access to...

Well, because otherwise it would be improper. That's very confusing. Yeah. This is also where we resolve the Charlie and Jane thing. Remember that Charlie broke up with Jane? Well, it turns out the only reason he broke up with Jane is because he saw Collins proposing to her in a montage from earlier in the movie. It was all a misunderstanding, the plot of this film.

The whole plot of this film. Yeah, the whole plot of this film. And to be clear, if you're confused, yes, Ed Kemper slash Collins proposed to Jane after Ed Kemper slash Collins proposed to Elizabeth, and he does this systematically to all the women in the movie. His character is just like sprinting around the movie proposing for most of his existence. Yeah, he will propose to all females within the film. Yes.

But eventually he nails it. Yeah. So now it's time for another title card. This is where they're starting to get weak. This is one morning about a week after. I didn't notice that. Said Jane Austen. Yeah. Okay. So this is supposed to be, this is what I imagine a misogynist incapable of empathy imagines women's unhappiness to be. Right? Oh no, we have weekends like this. You do have weekends like this? 100%.

I retract my... You go into an ice cream vendor. This is not just women. People have experiences like this, Eli. Sometimes you need a sad day. Yep. Like that's just a thing we do. For me, it's a happy day.

But yeah, everybody does it their own way. I was going to say, this is Heath's just a thing we do. For me, it's a happy day. But yeah, everybody does it their own way. I was going to say, this is Heath's just lifestyle. Also, I know I'm cutting to the next scene, but one of the... We'll get there, but one of the sisters gives these two girls who are having pizza and ice cream sad day a bunch of shit for buying tampons. Like, so they're also on their periods. It's okay to just like lay about sometimes when you feel unwell. Yeah. And have pizza and ice cream. And have pizza and ice cream. And speaking of that scene that is where the Mean Girls are gonna come in and and

yes she does say how dare you buy tampons. She wrote, I wrote in my notes, men love women who don't menstruate. Menopause is so hot. But to be fair I don't menstruate and I have not gone through menopause. It's the best of both worlds. Exactly. It's the best of all worlds. It's absolutely awesome. This movie was setting you up for success, Sarah Santa Maria.

I've always said that. We did skip over one thing, which I think is important. We will come to it again later, but we get to hear Charlie's business venture. We see an infomercial. Yes. Oh, this is very important. He sells Mozart to dogs. Like he has these, you know, wow, that's what I call music.

CDs, I guess they're, yeah, they have CDs then. And it's like this high-pitched, beep-boop-boop-boop, but of these, you know, like famous classical pieces. The marriage of Figaro is just the same, but the rest of them are like super dog-like. The rest is different. And it's supposed to make dogs like change their behavior. The whole time I was watching this killer supposed to make dogs like change their behavior.

The whole time I was watching this killer was asleep next to me. No budget. Not affected at all. Did any of your dogs, did you, did the pug notice? No. Maddison likes this? Didn't care for this part of the film. I tried to show her the pug. Okay, but Austin the pug cleans up some of the pizza and ice cream.

He does clean up some of the pizza in this scene. Yeah, which is great. Very cute. Yeah, you wrote pug like 17 times. I did my notes are literally just pug Pug all cat pug all cats cuz I love pugs So now we get another title card health good humor and cheerfulness Began to reappear the arc of the plot began to arc in my movie now. So what is the parallel here with Bridget Jones and this and the actual book? Because if she's writing that, is there like fat shaming in the book too? No, not in the fat shaming. I mean, in all of culture, in no way.

I'm sure if I say no, someone's going to be like, actually, and I'm going to be like, yeah, no, that's true. But yeah, this like getting over it montage where they're bouncing on yoga balls and, and by the way, they all weigh like 99 pounds. Yeah, it's, it's a, but they, but they did the crime of eating ice cream. So now they need to do the insane torture. We call women's exercise in American culture. And then of course she goes to start working on her book again, which we notice by her popping the hard floppy disk of her book into the disk drive that she attaches

to her portable MacBook. I wrote in my notes, he wrote as he turned to dust because he was so old. Yeah, this was the part where I realized that this movie, like I said, came out in like 2002. I finished high school in 01, I finished college in 04. So like I'm probably about the same age as these actors. I looked it up, I'm not, they're much older because they were playing young. But like my undergrad honors thesis was saved on a disquette, not a floppy. Like you remember the hard disquette?

Of course, yeah. Where you would flip the metal part whether you were rewriting or not. Of course, yeah. The three and a halfers. Jilla course. Yeah. Where you would flip the metal part whether you were rewriting or not. Of course. Yeah. The three and a halfers. Jilla jungle. Yes. And it corrupted.

Oh no. And it was the saddest moment. No. I actually paid a college freshman to retype the whole thing because all I had was a paper copy and I needed to make edits. So I paid somebody to retype the whole thing and it was a lot. I'm glad that worked out. Yeah.

What about you? Oh, college. That's good. Yeah. So also during this little montage of, you know, her cheerfulness beginning to reappear, we see her getting good grades in 26 year old college too. She gets a paper handed back to her. The paper's title is Great Female Characters,

and she got an A. So this movie writer gave herself an A at writing the script that she wrote. For this movie, yes. Ooh, was the movie written by a woman? Two women, yes. Oh, okay. No!

Yeah, two women wrote this. No, Heath, no! Two Mormon women. I would assume Mormon women wrote this, yes. No, oh, that's so sad. Now I'm sad. We're having a sad time. Now we're having a sad time.

Patriarchy hurts men too. So yeah, the other thing is when she gets this grade, she gets offered a position as a TA in London, which is important to the plot. So now we get a quick scene where she breaks through her roommate that she's going to be a TA. She'll only be gone for three months, but Spanish girl is very, very sad. She doesn't want her to go. Oh, oh, you skipped something.

Collins. Collins is now into nerd girl. Oh yes. He shows up with flowers for nerdy girl in this montage. Yes. Mary. Yes. For Mary. Yes, for Mary. So that plot point has resolved itself.

And yeah, she's going to be a TA at the thing. And so they go for hiking and ice cream to celebrate. Yeah, she's packing up and then Jane's like, I don't want you to go. Let's go hiking and eat ice cream together because that's what women do. That's what's going to happen now. I did write, oh, I want to go on a hike now. Great female characters in literature. A plus. But that's the thing. This was written by women. Like it's, yes, it's written by misogynistic women with internalized misogynism. Misogynism?

Yeah. That's not a word. Misogynism? Misogyny. Misogyny. Thank you. Women with internalized misogyny because I don't love that. I have mansplained the word misogyny to you You'll cut the part where you called her a big dumb dummy Heath don't worry we'll cut that out of I Remember, okay so two women with a lot of internalized misogyny because they were born and raised into the Mormon church and they have a lot of self-hatred and they have a lot of self-loathing and they really do believe that like to get married to a man

is the only thing that makes life worth living. But they're also still women. So they are writing female characters like women. But the opposite of Jane Austen, the much better feminist from 1797. No, I know she's a better feminist, but they're all women. And that's what I'm saying. You guys keep being like, that's not how women, and I'm like, no, yeah, it is. Like, they are still writing women as women in this movie.

Kara, I don't think you understand how women work is my next thought. Thank you for finally being brave. And I shouldn't have to keep explaining that to you. For being brave enough to say it, Keith. Okay. First, she's wrong about pugs. This is why I come on this fucking show, right? I'm doing a public fucking service. I think it's best if we take a quick break.

Thank you. But first, let me give Act 3 the hard sell. Will the white lady and the white guy finally get together? Will the other white lady and the other white guy finally get together? Will the other white lady and the other white guy finally get together? What about nerd lady? Find out nothing because the rest of all of our notes are entirely sheep hug when we return

for the illiterate conclusion of Pride and Prejudice, a latter day comedy. I don't know, Mr. Wickham, I like Jack, but there's something about Darcy I just can't get out of my head. If you could just put the books back onto the shelves. I mean, yes, Jack is handsome, with hands like an octopus, but what should one expect

from a boy in this day and age? This is actually pretty inappropriate to be talking about with your employer, just so you know. But Darcy is so mean. Where does he get off being so rude and sullen? Hey, I have a cat named Mittens got him one of those towers this week with the lasers on it. You're right Mr. Wickham. I just need to tell them how I feel. Oh love, young love, thank you. Hey man, can I buy a book?

Shit, how long have you been there? A while. Sorry. And we're back. When we left off, Jane and Elizabeth were heading up a mountain to maybe pass the Bechdel test in their movie based on the Jane Austen novel full of female characters. And they fail immediately that test because Charlie shows up on a motorcycle. He might as well be yelling, I'm a man in the movie. Here I am.

Here I am. Ruin your test. The man you've been waiting for while you bided your time with other women. Oh, and this is the point where I got distracted during the last commercial break because I was buying light bulbs on Amazon. So I kind of missed. I wondered why there were so many lumens in your notes here, Kara.

All right, this is all making sense. Did you get the blue or the yellow? I got, oh, you can change the color temperature. Nice. So Charlie drives off with Jane. She goes to work on her book, Out in Nature. She's MacBooking in the grass. Yes, as God intended.

As the young Kara Santa Maria did with her thesis, exactly. I do love working and sleeping outside. I'll give you that because she passes out, which is like I do when I'm hanging out outside. I like sleeping on the ground. What can I say? I like that they show her entire laptop screen for a second and all of the text is grammar check under. Red squiggle man has come for everything she's written.

Eli's used to that. Yeah. Exactly. It's the funny parts. He writes the squiggles under the funniest jokes. Okay. And then she takes a grammar nap, I think, and then has a nightmare about getting hunted by an evil horseman in a rainstorm? No, no, no.

She's in, she's, that's her book. Yeah. She's having a fantasy of her book. Yeah. She's just dreaming about her book. The Napoleonic techno romance. This actually makes perfect sense. Withdrawn.

Right. Because they're like in period costume. Yes. Exactly. But then she wakes up and she has to march through the rain. Yeah, she wakes up in the pouring rain. Yeah. And it's pitch dark.

And she looks scared and I'd be pretty scared too. I think I'd be able to hike back down to my car. I don't think I'd be so lost that I couldn't find my car. But it is kind of scary to go out during the day and not bring nighttime equipment on a hike. Especially if you're going to fall asleep. Yeah, like she didn't have a headlamp or anything. There have been a couple of times where I went out during the day and I only brought my sunglasses

and didn't realize that I was going to be out past the time when the sun set and then had to drive home without my normal person glasses. That's a little bit scary. Have you ever had to do that? No, you guys have perfect vision. I was gonna say, Kara, the things that we would need to do, beginning with go on a hike, for us to relate to that sentence are, we're stopping right here at the pass.

Well, for anybody who's listening who's dealt with this before, you end up... Oh, if Noah was on this episode, he'd be like, absolutely. Yeah, he knows what I'm talking about you end up doing this game where whether you're driving or walking in the woods where you're sort of wearing your sunglasses and periodically just lifting them and so between the two you can see well enough you can combine the like prescription of the sun then the taking

away the shade of them. Yes, exactly. It adds up to seeing. Interesting. Sort of. Well enough to get home. Kara, I'm going to hook you up with some sweet, sweet transition lenses for Christmas this year. No cookie basket for you this year. You're getting transition lenses. Nice. The highest affection. Or a monocle.

Ooh! A transitions monocle. Two monocles. Two transition monocles. A diacl. Pocket friendly. Yeah, exactly. Keep a lookout for him. But yeah, she makes her way to the cabin and just walks in because why the fuck not?

Yeah, what a batshit thing to do. There's clearly someone home because there's a raging fire in the living room. And she just starts poking around their shit. Yeah, I wrote in my notes, okay, the furniture is definitely going to start to sing her a welcome song any second now. But wouldn't you know it? It's Darcy's cabin!

What are the odds? And he discovers her. This plot is clunky, therefore I don't like this movie. Yeah. So he discovers her, and they have a little conversation. Yeah, she like breaks a bunch of his shit for some reason accidentally.

Oh yeah, she breaks something by accident, like the moment she walks in. But this is where they make up, right? Oh right, and what about Sister Anna? Can I just say, I love Sister Anna. Yeah, Sister Anna's fantastic. She's like really sweet and supportive. I think Elizabeth should hook up with her instead.

The two authors of this movie agree with you. Yeah, there's definitely a vibe. Okay, yeah, this is a fantasy scenario of like finding in the rain a cabin with like this British guy that you have a crush on and his delightful sister. And realizing, oh, that's that you have a crush on and his delightful sister. And his sister. Yeah.

And realizing, oh, that's who you have the crush on. I feel like that's for a very specific Google search. Yes, it is. I'm into it. I'm into it. Look at this. He's coming out strong. Wow.

Cara. Well, you have no idea how much of an ally you were to Heathen, right? So important. I started to panic. I told you I wasn't into that Darcy. Oh yeah. I'm into this Darcy. There you go. Euphemia Anna.

Yeah. Yeah. That's her full name. Hell yeah. And Fitzwilliam Darcy. Yes. Exactly. They're over dinner.

They're revealing their... We both have the exact same very specific search history about Euphemia and Fitzwilliam Darcy. That is established. I don't know why I made all that stuff up for the websites. There's so much to work with. I don't think heathenrights.com still goes to the article about legalizing incest, but I hope it does. No, Jesus.

You're saying it's worse with others? Yeah. Wow. Everyone gets the website, Kara. Everyone gets the website. I have like 10 websites. You have the most the website, Kara. Everyone gets the website. I have like 10 websites. You have the most. It's true. You have the most. Okay, Kara, on three, we're going to name the next word in that very specific search that we both have. One, two, three, fondue.

Yikes. That's where I thought you were going. But I was about to be like, hey, Heath, join me over here in the private Zoom room. Are you asking our friend to announce their kinks on the air? It's fondue in the movie. I saw down the road where you were going. I wasn't sure our friend Kara saw. I did not see where he was going. And I was calling the police.

Yeah, I was like, do I say Credit Karma? I don't know. Light bulbs. Okay. All right. Interesting. There was also a lot of poop probiotics commercials being shown to me. That's true. We did, by the way, keep a running tally of the commercials, which we saved you, dear listener, from having to hear of that. Yes, there's quite a few. All of mine, because Amazon Freevy, I think it's called, knows I have a kid. So all of them are like, are you ruining your kid

by not doing this ABC mouse website or whatever? Yes. Yes you are. Okay, so it has you pegged as father who needs to guilt into buying more shit. It has you Heath pegged as single dude, right? Who wants dentistry, but also it actually really does. Cause the other

The other two things I saw one was like a probably a stepdad thing It was like roofing people who like revitalize your roof like the enamel on teeth Which was weird like the graphic was the same and the third thing was like Wrist Control University MMA Yes, and mine was all credit karma, poop probiotics, and dog food or cat food. So it definitely had me pegged as like a relatively successful middle-aged woman. Yeah. They were like, your stomach hurts and you love a dog? And you were like, my stomach does hurt and I do love a dog. But yeah, what Heath was hinting at, instead of sexually harassing our co-host, it's so

important to understand this podcast listener. Yes, yes, very important. Instead of asking our co-host out of nowhere what her kinks were, he was referring to the next scene where they have an impromptu fondue party. Sure he was. Which is the fantasy of the writers of this movie for sure. Let me throw this out there. And Heath then, right?

And me. And if you're being honest, fondue, right? Come on. I'm not mad at it. I don't think you can do an impromptu Fondue party. They take planning and I know what you're going to say. Oh, maybe they were planning a Fondue party for two and she just joined them. That's not possible. They were. You don't have enough for three if you plan a Fondue party for two. Well, they had to ration. That's right. Wouldn't have been enough cheese to go around. That's what I'm saying. What a fun brother-sister duo. That's right. Just having fondue.

I know Heath doesn't have a sibling. Do you have a sibling, Karen? I do. We've never fondued. Could you guys fondue? No, we would not fondue. My sister and I could fondue the hell out of a... Oh, I love that. Fucking love a fondue. Are you kidding? We'd never fondue.

Oh, she'd be so excited. I actually wrote, when is the last time you had fondue? Been a while. Heath, I bet you've had fondue though. Pretty recently. You know how sometimes when you're playing a board game, it's like, the person who goes first is the one who last traveled to Ibiza or whatever.

I'm just like scrambling to put away fondue cause I think you could see it somehow. He has fondue for breakfast. And it's getting a little too personal. Every morning. It's getting too personal for Heath. We don't want to know what he does with that fondue. No, I think, yeah, we did, me and Anne did some fondue New Year's.

Heath, we don't want to hear it. We don't want to hear it. Thank you. It's too much. Shut the fuck up. It's too much. You and your fucking fondue. You and your fucking fondue. You and your fucking fondue. Every episode.

We cut it most episodes. This episode we're keeping it in. It's private, you guys. It's private. Ooh. Maybe Karen does fondue in a very different way. Heath does. How are you losing the joke off any of us?

I don't know. This is the joke. I mean, look, I know that Heath is dunking his balls in that cheese and going to the hospital. I've been there to the hospital. He literally already forgot the search the joke. I mean, look, I know that Heath is dunking his balls in that cheese and going to the hospital. I've been there to the hospital. I've signed those release forms. He literally already forgot the search history joke. Okay.

Thank you. Oh, and then who should show up? Intense Woman with Eyes and Pearl. Charlie. Caroline, that's right. That was not describing Charlie. Charlie's the dog music guy. Nor will he be here at all.

That's true. So Caroline is there to introduce one more misunderstanding into the movie. And look, podcast listener, I know for the Jane Austen fans you're like, but that's actually what happened in the book. But the book is long and this movie is not. So the fact that we're having the 97th misunderstanding where nobody will ask a clarifying goddamn question and end the movie truly upsetting. They also never like, there's this thing they do in movies,

because this is even before the thing which we'll talk about, the whatever misunderstanding. There's this thing people do in movies and TV shows all the time where like the guy and the girl are clearly having a good time, they're vibing, somebody else shows up and they're like, no, I'll take you home. And they're like, I guess I should go home. And it's like, why are you more concerned

with being polite to the shitty person than you are with like enjoying yourself with the guy? It's a great question. So yeah, she feels guilted into letting Pearl Necklace, ooh, no, let's not call her that. Charlotte. Charlotte. Alright, next thing after fondue. Pearl Necklace.

Nope. Right, like what is happening? She's more concerned, so she allows Charlotte to drive her to her car. Right. And in doing so, Charlotte reveals to her that she's engaged to Darcy, which is a lie. Which is a lie, correct. Caroline, though, not Charlotte.

Fuck, you made me say Charlie, too? I did. Ugh. Caroline. It's my Jedi powers. Intense eyes and pearls. Yeah. Caroline, intense eyes and pearls,

tells Elizabeth, protagonist, that she is engaged to, that Caroline is engaged to, that Caroline is engaged to Darcy. I didn't get that they were like, maybe engaged or maybe not here, Caroline and Darcy. So I thought she just like, showed up from like a neighboring mountain cabin

to like fucking borrow sugar and cause tension. I think she did. So I was so confused. She did just show up to cause tension. So she did come from a neighboring mountain cabin? I don't know, but they're not maybe engaged. She's just weirdly into him. Oh, okay.

Later I was like, oh, she was there because she's weirdly into him and was hanging out with him and sister. Right? That's the vibe, Eli, of Pride and Prejudice, right? Yeah, 100%. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Like he's not into her, but she's intojudice, right? Yeah, 100%. Okay, yeah. Okay. Like, he's not into her, but she's into him.

Love, polygons. Fascinating. In the book, she's like who he's supposed to marry, because she's rich and he's rich, but it's... Oh, right, because they were like social arrangements. Yes, exactly. They were like social arrangements. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So now we get another title card. Next to being married, a girl likes to be crossed in love a little now and then, which I actually really like as a quote from Pride and Prejudice, but it has nothing to do with this movie at this point. We're basically just sort of catching up on all the characters, right? Mary is dating Collins, so they're no longer obligated to be in the movie, but this is building to the giant, this is building to the conclusion of the movie. So, Pion, Sidekick Girl, the one who electrocuted herself,

she knows that Lydia is somewhere secret. Well, yeah, because she's Lydia's little sister. Yeah, Kitty, right. But they tickle torture her. Which, Kara, again, you've taught us so much about women and the secret lies of them. No, this is just the misogyny. Let me finish! Please tell me that they just...

You don't ever tickle your girlfriends? No. Just to get a little... It's not a thing. Information? No. No pillow fights either. Damn it! Not in your bras.

Nothing turns out to be the reality I want it to be. I know. But yeah, Lydia is off to marry Jack Wickham in Vegas and so now... Wait, can we take a second with this? This is a big turn. Yeah. People are having a hard time following the names we need to explain who these people are okay? Jack is Matt gates. Yes. Jack is the love interest who was supposed to be the good guy Secretly turned out to be the bad guy and Lydia is the bangs girl

Who's been awful who's been trying to get with the other one? the bangs girl who's been awful who's been trying to get with the other one Charlie who has a poke Who has a pug? Yeah, so she's like whatever if I can't steal Charlie from Argentinian Jane I'll steal Jack from the protagonist. Yeah, you following? Yes So now they're headed to Vegas and now the movie is about them needing to drive to Vegas I love this scene in the movie was the same thing as Kara just now. It was like, hold on, I have to do a scene to explain those dumb loose ends in my movie. Our movie is banned.

Yes, yes, yes. They've got to go stop the wedding. So we cut to Las Vegas. Wait, things happen on the way to Las Vegas. What happens? Well, they all ride in the VW Bug, and doesn't it break down? It does.

And also, we cut to Jack and Lydia on their way in a, what do you call it? A Jeep with no canvas. Have you guys ever done the drive to Vegas? It's really hot. Kara, you're talking to just wildly more rugged humans in your imagination than in real life. It's very, very hot. Me and Eli off-road in our Wrangler all the time. It does not make sense to not have air conditioning on the drive to Vegas.

If Heath and I walk into a restaurant that's not air conditioned, we fucking leave. We leave. It doesn't matter if there's a reservation. We're just like, oh, nope, this place is hot. We're not going to hear. We're mean to the Maid or Dee. That's true. We flip it.

It doesn't make sense. Nobody would ride in an open Jeep. We tell them they don't deserve our presents. And then we knock over their roll-ups as we walk out or D. That's true. We flip it. It doesn't make sense. Nobody would ride in an open jeep. We tell them they don't deserve our presents. And then we knock over their roll-ups as we walk out. You know what's up. They don't. Also, the pug is there later. Where the fuck is the pug on the way to Vegas? It's true.

I was angry about this. Is it in her purse? Union rules. They couldn't get him for the day. They didn't want to pay for the full day. They shot him all at once like Nick Nolte. So now we cut to Las Vegas. Yes, thank you. This is all very important. And what I loved about this is one, the climax of the film is rescuing a friend we barely met. But the other thing that's really funny is this is a Mormon movie, so they can't show

anything in Vegas. So all the shots of Vegas are literally them just running the camera past the screen. They're just like, trust us, Vegas has lights because all the signs in Vegas are like, Uncle Fux, Chuck Sack. You're so right. Also while they're on that trip, they call Darcy. Darcy is also running to the rescue. Will he arrive at almost exactly the same time as them? Yes, but worry it doesn't matter isn't he supposed to be closer yeah he's supposed to be two hours closer but they will arrive at the same time yeah because he's on a business trip yes but he's in a fast fancy car and they're in

the VW so he beats them exactly okay okay and he has a Nokia phone yes notice that he does and snake during that business. Battery of that phone? Still fine. Still 100%. Still ready to go for when this movie was made. So we get some more montages and now we're going to cut to the wacky Vegas chapel for some antics. Oh, but they left Charlie behind. They did.

Yeah, they left Charlie behind. He literally mattered so little to this movie. They were like, oh, I think if he's in this scene, it's confusing because all our white men are identical. Are you Charlotte or Caroline or Charlie? Yeah, exactly. It doesn't matter. If Charlie puts on a pearl necklace, this movie will suck into itself in some form of

inception. So we're going to leave him in a gas station. They make him run to the wedding. He apparently runs to Vegas. He runs to the wedding. He apparently runs to Vegas. He runs to Vegas as fast as Darcy who is two hours closer drives, which is the same speed as it takes them to go from I assume Salt Lake City, Utah. Yeah. Good times. But this is the wacky minister. He's supposed to be doing a Scottish. Oh, I love him. Oh! He might be my favorite character in the movie.

Interesting. He's in a permanent fight with his mother. Yes. And he's about to marry them, but just as he does, Darcy tackles him. Or at least we're supposed to assume he has a tackle because the actors were not up to the fight choreography of a tackle. So they gently use red eyeliner on his nose and lips, and then we sew them post-tackle.

Yeah, we see Jack bite his arm at one point, which is an interesting choice. I also think, I think it's interesting that the pastor, the usher, whatever he is, he looks at Jack and he goes, I recognize you, you've been here before, but that's okay. And then the wife or engaged, whatever, what's her name? Lydia? She just shrugs. Yeah, what's her name? Lydia? She just shrugs. She's like, I don't need to ask any clarifying questions.

No follow ups. I mean, she's in this movie where clarifying questions are forbidden, so I understand it. So after the fight, Jack is being arrested for bigamy. Apparently that's something that like beat cops do. In Utah? Yeah. Oh, they're in Vegas. But second biggest Mormon. Yeah, exactly. And now Darcy, I just wrote my notes. Darcy has the most makeup-y blood on him possible. It might as well be eyeliner.

It's like a Jackson Pollock blood spatter. Yeah. Yeah. And then this is where they also, this is where Elizabeth is going to clarify that there's been a miscommunication, right? No, she's going to un-clarify. Yeah, she's going to un-clarify. Yeah, she's going to un-clarify. Right, because he says, he's like, I want to talk to you.

And she says, I already know. And then they just look at each other and walk away. Right, because if they said another sentence, the movie would be over. I think you're talking past each other. Therefore, this is dumb. This movie is bad, yes. This is clunky.

Has that ever happened to you in the history of things that have happened to you? No. No, you're like, we need to talk. Ask one more question. I already know. Let's be sure we're talking about the same thing here. Look, we might not ride in open Range Rovers,

but I'll tell you the two things that Heathen Wright and Eli Bosnik do do, and it's overcommunicating. Once in a while, Eli starts talking and I do the shh and I put the one finger over his lips. But then I'm like, no, no, no, no, but actually say what you're talking about. That's true. But to be fair, mostly when we talk, we aren't talking about a relationship. We're just talking about my terrible ideas for our company.

Neither here nor there. Exactly. You have to listen to all the podcasts to get that podcast listener. So he realizes there's been a miscommunication and he's going to run after her. But if he's going to do that, he's going to need Charlie to use his dog music, which we teased earlier in the movie doesn't work on Dobermans. Oh yeah. Oh really?

It makes Dobermans in particular not calm, but instead extra vicious. Oh, it has the opposite effect on Dobermans. Because it's Wagner, and they don't like Wagner. Apparently. My dog also did not react to this music at all. Not a Doberman. There you have it. Something they could have tested.

Yeah. So, yeah, the dogs attack the cops, which gives him enough to go away. So, we get, and I will say this, I think this is cinemas first run after the girl while handcuffed. Yeah, Darcy is literally why is Darcy handcuffed by the way? Because he beat up he got in the fight jack So jack is under arrest for bigamy and gambling they said for bigamy and gambling and Darcy is under arrest for assault for assault yeah yeah, and I also it's super funny to point out that like, you now realize watching the scene why they've never had a cuffed scene, why they always break out of their cuffs, because

it looks so silly. He looks like he's advertising a used car salesman. It's bad. The arms just flying a Kimbo behind him. So he's running after them. They're in the car already trying to leave. Yes. Behind him. So he's running after them. They're in the car already trying to leave. Yes, and he's by the way he thinks She thinks that he knows that she knows that he's engaged to

Creepy eyes pearls. Yes, and then he's Understanding. Yeah, he realizes because somebody tells him whatever. Oh, you guys are engaged. Congrats. He's like we're not engaged What the fuck so that then he runs after them and I just have to point out this entire driving scene where they're driving home, they have Lydia, who has just discovered the man who proposed to her is a serial bigamist with a plan to bankrupt her and no one is doing anything to comfort her. They are sitting in complete silence. Because they did their duty. She's awful. They rescued her. She should be grateful. Exactly. The pug is providing all the emotional care she deserves.

But again, distance doesn't matter in this movie, so Darcy manages to step in front of their car? Yeah. He ran a shortcut through Vegas and got in front of them. I actually kind of love this scene because he gets in front of the car and she stops just in time to not hit them and then just sort of like taps the accelerator and does hit him. Like me in a baby carriage, exactly right. So yeah, she knocks him over with the car, but then they make up and it's all solved with a Mormon smooch. And you know they're gonna end up together because they actually do kiss.

They make out on the street with blood all over his face. I mean it's Vegas so not the weirdest thing anyone walking by has seen. Among the more pleasant scenes in Las Vegas that night. So now we get the Breakfast Club closed. Not of our podcast but of this movie. Lydia, who we remember had the pug and was abandoned at the altar by the bigamist who wanted to steal her money. She wrote a new book about doing things for yourself instead of men.

Yeah, and she did not marry. She literally said, Lydia did not marry. Instead, she wrote a book because those things are mutually exclusive. Those are the choices. Kara, can I say, you wrote a book. Can't marry. You know, can't marry. You are legally not allowed to get married. The book stands up and goes, I object if she tries. It's a whole thing.

Lydia ended up being the main character according to Jane Austen. We fucked it up. Right, exactly. The younger sister slash sidekick becomes a cheerleader. Collins and Mary got married and went on the trip together. Charlie, so the Pearls girl married an old guy. Oh, Caroline.

Yeah, you keep calling him Charlie. It's supposed to be like a zinger moment, but it's actually really horrifying. Yeah, it's gross. Because it's like, he lived way longer than she hoped and she had to fucking thrice and we're just like, oh, this is kind of upsetting. But he was a billionaire.

Yeah, exactly. Charlie and Spanish girl ended up okay. Fucking Jack escaped from prison. That was weird. Yeah. Yeah, and he ran away to Brazil and now he does daytime TV is what they say. And I was like, this feels so specific

about somebody in the life of the writer. Pulled straight from the novel. Yeah. So then, oh, by the way, and of course, Elizabeth's finish is that she's writing a book of this movie and I wrote my notes. I hate it. I hate it. They're in London now.

Like, I guess she never left. I think they're at the Jane Austen house. Yeah. And like, it's the Jane Austen house. Yeah. And like it's the weirdest turn because this movie doesn't understand chronology. Cause at the end of all of that, she's like, now I just need to introduce Darcy to my parents. And I'm like, wait, what? That other girl already had five kids. Yeah.

What happened? You laid out 18 years of time. You guys have been dating for 18 years? Why are you the same age? She was a TA for 18 years and then Darcy showed up. Parents still have a mentor. A necromancer. More.

And that's the end of the movie. Yep. And I haven't read it, but I presume very similar to the end of the book. So before we close it out, what piece of classic literature should they make into a Mormon movie next? Dante's Inferno. Just Troilus and Cressida spinning around and around a caffeinated beverage. You guys, it would get real weird. It would get real weird. Dante's Inferno gets real weird. I know. Now add Mormons.

Support. All right. Well, that's going to wrap it up for Pride and Prejudice, a latter-day If you're no kids real weird. I know now add Mormons Support Alright, well that's gonna wrap it up for pride and prejudice a latter-day comedy But that's not gonna do it for the episode just yet because we found another terrible movie Eli. What's on deck? Well, he will be wrapping up Mormon movie month Oh, I know with a treat that we missed in theaters, but could not wait to tackle with a treat that we missed in theaters, but could not wait to tackle. 400 AD, in a forgotten time of ancient America, a lone Hebraic fugitive must preserve the history of his fallen nation while being hunted by a ruthless tyrant. But rescuing the king's abused mistress could awaken a warrior's past.

We'll be watching The Oath, live in Salt Lake City. Ooh. That's Mormon? Oh yeah, it's the Alma story? Me five story? I don't remember any of that shit. Yeah, no, they were doing stuff in 400 AD and then just like, you know, fast forward,

fast forward, upstate New York. Yup. Right, right. Well, with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 467 to a merciful close. Huge thanks as always to Kara for joining us. And of course a big thanks to our Patreon donors for all the generosity.

If you'd like to help support the show, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful. And that'll get you early access to an ad free version of every episode. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, The Skating Atheist, Citation Needed, Skeptocrat, and D&D Minus, available in all the podcast places. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email godawfulmovies

at gmail.com. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars, all other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Karen Eliam Heath, promising to work hard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the Animal House clothes. Nine-tenths of the characters in this film went on to join an Exmo support group. Fake Scottish priest in Vegas and his wife, the actors,

went on to write Napoleon Dynamite in real life. Huh! See, I told you. Yeah. There was something funny about him. Yeah, that actor. Like he was vibing. And his wife co-wrote Napoleon Dynamite. She had Napoleon Dynamite vibes.

There you go. Love it. All of these characters had clumsy, painful sex for the rest of their lives. Oof. One, two, three, four, five. Five. Sorry, I forgot to say four. No worries.

Do you want to do it again or is that good? Do it one more time? That's how you know you've truly joined the cast is when you forget the five counts. That's important. Just to really rock him to his core. Is this the riveting premium content that you offer your patrons? Sure is now. I'm sure they're thrilled. All right. Here we go. Is this the riveting premium content that you offer your patrons? Sure is now.

I'm sure they're thrilled. All right. Here we go with in bold and underlined. Interest in the one. Mm hmm. Agree. I could seriously live on Charcuterie Board like that. Same. It has all the food groups. Yeah, it's all them. Pickles? Delicious. I love a concept.

Colon cancer included. Will Gherkin. I call them cornichons. Cornichons, yes. That was the word I was trying to say, actually. Wow. God, are you so fucking embarrassed right now? You fucking asshole.

I'm so mad that I didn't say it right. Looked like an idiot. Just crying, crying face down on the bed. While Ann Rubs is back. I'm sure she knew that you knew the word cornichons. No! No! Said Gurkin! back. I'm sure she knew that you knew the word corner shot. They have the jar with the thing that pulls them up. I know that.

Oh yeah. That's the fancy jar. I like that jar. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2024, all rights reserved.