God Awful Movies - 469: Dark Realm

Episode Date: August 13, 2024

This week, Andrea Romano joins us to review Dark Realm, the story of a guy trying to add a plot to his crappy magic routine, but not trying very hard. === If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/

I really love that he's like, she's a mystery, an enigma, a demon, a goddess. She's all yours, but you cannot possess her. Like, I need someone to introduce me that way. Yes! Andrea, if you want us to go back and redo the intro. Can we roll back? Can we roll back and have a mixer? She's a mystery, a demon, a goddess.

You can own her, but you can't possess her. Yeah. Absolutely. Please. Can we roll back and have a loser? She's a mystery, a demon, a goddess. Absolutely. Please. We're getting you that shirt, Andrea. Morgan, cut that in. Godawful movie. Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie!

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Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie!

Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Bad. It's going bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh boy. Because you watched a movie about your job? Your other job? I guess we couldn't find one about my mom or my dad or my personal family members to

review this week. Just had to go for the guts. Feeling super proud about your art form? I'm sure. I'm sure. And we're also joined by comedian, producer, and first time guest masochist, Andrea Romano. Andrea, welcome to the show. Thank you so much for having me. So glad you're here for this movie.

What an insane, Andrea, I am so sorry. I thought we were gonna have a fun little first time here on the you jumped into the deep end of terrible cinema here. So much appreciation. Yes. You know, I was like an emo punk in high school. So this like really made me like recontextualize some trauma that I that I had. I'm so glad. I have lots of questions about emos and punks throughout my notes.

I don't know if you saw. Oh, I did and I can answer them. Thank you. You're going to sort of be our shirt. But so Keith, what am I mourning today? We watched a movie called Dark Realm. movie called Dark Realm. It's the story of, I would say, 90% of Eli's colleagues in magic. Sure is, baby.

The main character is a guy who demands that everyone call him master of the realm in real life and movie, and does not get invited to sex dungeons in real life. And he made a movie about everyone calling him Master of the Realm and getting invited to sex dungeons. Yeah. Yeah. It's real sad. Yeah.

Real sad. And Eli, how bad was this thing? Well, if you spent your career torturing guest masochists with that which is most near and dear to them, and it was only a matter of time until karma caught up with you, you will love this movie. This one gets me right in my heart, everybody. Right in my heart. I get it. I get it. And Andrea, how magical was this movie? I would say, well, the answer is a little complicated. Actual Magic is about the same as like a 10-year-old going to like Spencer Gifts

to buy his first magic kit. But if you're talking about the magic of cinema, it's also that. It's also kind of the same. Also Spencer Gifts' level of cinematic magic. Yeah. This movie, if it's not sponsored by Hot Topic, it is like that subtle advertising they were doing in the 40s where they splice in a single line of Coca-Cola or something. That's what this movie is.

All right. Is there anything y'all would like to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? I would say this is the best worst cinematography that's like being done by your cousin who has like a 1996 Sony camcorder. 100%. The one that used tapes. Yeah. It's so nice that people with an inner ear

disorder are allowed to work behind the camera again. I'm so proud that those valiant Americans are getting work on this film. Yeah. Somebody who was behind in 96, but this was made in 2013, I think. It's pretty rough. So I was gonna go with best worst The trick is over now We watch this guy do his magic act over and over his whole magic and he keeps doing tricks that I was not clear were even tricks and In fairness neither was the audience and he seems to know that when they don't do anything at the end so then he has to be like and

Trick nailed it you applaud now, please. I'm done Okay, so thank you heat because we should bring this up at the outset this guy's name the master of darkness His real name is wrong and he seems to perform as wrong, right? He doesn't have like a pseudonym like Dark Lord or Flaggathor or something like that. He's just like, well, hire Ron for your party. And he talks like a guy named Ron. He doesn't look like a guy named Ron.

He looks like the son Voldemort kicked out of the house for being gay. But he talks normal. So it'll be like a rock song be like, ... while he does a bad magic trick. But then the magic trick ends, like he said, and it's bad because his magic is bad. And so he'll just be like,

all right, let's give it up for the lady blood everybody. Ah, now who's drinking tonight? It's insane. For the lady blood everybody. Ah. Now who's drinking tonight? It's insane. It's like if we ended everything we said on the podcast with like joke over, you go now. Now all done joke, but in a different voice. In a totally different, like if I finished that joke

and then I was like, that one was a joke from the big Eazy-E everybody. Let me know if you enjoyed it at home by a big old belly laugh. Everybody keep it going for easy. We'll start going for easy. Start now. Keep going for easy.

Please. I was done. And I'm going to take the easy one. I'm not going to spoil it. I'm not going to spoil it. I'm just going to say best worst sexy activity. We'll get to it when we get to the carnival of flesh. Why do magicians have to do this all the time?

It's gross. I've never had a moment where I've been like, maybe I should walk into the desert and just sort of let the Earth take me back. But this movie is about as close to it as I've felt. Yeah. You know, I used to work, like I used to do like shows at the Ren Fair and stuff. And like it's a very similar vibe of like really toxic men who, yeah, I'm not also not going to spoil it for anybody, but it's just kind of like the, wow, the vibes are so similar. Only this like obviously is sponsored by Hot Topic.

Yeah. Right. So a lot of dudes that you were like, I'm not calling you master of the realm. I'm absolutely not. But they insist upon it. Like you have to call him Milord. They won't participate in the fire drill

unless you call them Milord. All right. Well, I think we're going to need a quick break just to get ready for this nonsense, and then we'll be back to tell you all about Dark Realm. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Okay, what about a list of funny words? Do you have one of those?

Like just words that are funny? Yes. No. I don't believe you. Please, help me. Eli, you okay? Not. No. I don't believe you. Please, help me. Eli, you okay? Not this again. Again?

Yeah, sometimes when a movie contains a certain specific factor, Eli gets kind of overwhelmed. Must bully. Yeah, like that. That's what's happening right now. Sorry, he has a medical need to bully people? Real condition. More than a hundred thousand Americans a year suffer from it. No, it's not. Okay. Sorry, he has a medical need to bully people? Real condition. More than a hundred thousand Americans a year suffer from it.

No, it's not. Okay. Well, Eli, have you tried therapy? Therapy? For a medical need to bully goth kids? No, for like whatever this is. Oh, no, I have not tried therapy. Okay, if you're thinking of starting therapy, you should give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online and it's designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule.

Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. So no awkward therapist breakups? That's right. Never skip therapy day with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash awful today to get 10% off your first month.

That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash awful. Thanks guys. I'm gonna go run in the woods, make fun of some trees. Does that help? Doesn't hurt. Sure. So how much of the sketch is wearing funny hats Almost none almost none Wow I would not have thought of that guys

Guys, did you start the show yet our podcast? No, oh fantastic bring it in fellas Yeah, just right there right there in the center. What is all this stuff? Does he usually bring props like this? Yeah. Well, props are more of a citation needed thing. It's the other show. That's right. They are. But today we have props because today we're going to do the first ever magic show podcast. Right. Right. Because of the movie. I mean, think of it.

My lovely assistant got in this box, but then I put swords in it. Will they survive with just the skimpy negligee they're wearing to protect them? Only generously stroking my arms and chest will find out. I'm really sorry about this, Andrea. Oh, ooh! Or, for those of you who prefer things a little edgier, what if a beautiful babe shows just how stretchy they can get with the famous pull-apart illusion that's a split the whole audience can't wait to see.

Eli, this is my first time on the show and not only am I not doing any of that, I'm really uncomfortable that you would like talk to me like that. Oh, I'm sorry. I was talking about Heath. Oh, well in that case I'm in. Yeah, I'll go get my nurse's costume.

I'm gonna get my cape. Weird guys. Hehehe. And we're back. And we're gonna start with the movie trying to flirt with us at 3 a.m. with bad poetry and they're gonna keep doing it. We get a title card that says,

"'One Eye Sees the land of the living, the other the realm of the dead. Betwixt and between, I've always seen the dream that burns in my head. Andrea, did this give you flashbacks? Oh, it sure did. I would say I'm not embarrassed, but I am embarrassed to say that this poem felt like

something that like one of my high school boyfriends would have written. Yeah, that's accurate. Also a case of Arrested Development, I think. Mm-hmm. Yeah, 100%. Okay, this guy is Job throughout, right? Speaking of Arrested Development, he's... Job seems cool

Strives towards Joe he strives for Joe Yeah, he's doing all that like arm stuff for no reason Why do magicians need to do that? Why do gymnasts and magicians need to do arm stuff? Between the actual content of tricks, okay Well, I will point out that the content of magicians and the content of gymnasts is vastly different in quality. Well, okay, gymnasts are doing real stuff in between, but both sometimes do this arm stuff, which I don't get. Well, Simone doesn't need the arm stuff, magicians do.

Oh, yeah. If magicians don't do the arm stuff, Heath, a lady just gets in the box that we brought with us from home and then we poke it in ways that are very obviously not poking her and then she gets out of the box. I mean, the arm stuff means that all magic shows aren't 45 seconds, Heath, then, right? So yeah, to be clear, we are jumping feet first into this man's magic act. This man's magic act will make up 90% of the movie. And I never thought I would say it.

It's the most pleasant 90% of the movie. Now I have a question. So the whole thing is set to hard rock or goth rock. I don't, I'm not going to claim to know the genre. It's set to music I don't listen to. And this first song, I had my subtitles on, one of the lyrics appears to be, I'm the fly in your soup. I am the pea beneath your bed.

What? Oh yeah. I don't think that's a saying. Yeah. It's the devil singing about himself, I think. Yes. Yeah, but he's like, I'm the fly in your soup. I'm the pebble in your shoe.

So he's like not evil. He's just like mildly annoying. Right. Right. And then he makes a Once Upon a Mattress Princess and the Pea reference. Oh, OK. He's then right.

OK. It's pea, not urine. It's pea. You just busted this wide open because I thought they were sitting around trying to write this song and they were like, what are those minor annoyances when your urine soaks through the bed? Put it in the song. But like below on the bottom of the mattress. Not like top P.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, just underneath. So it's like, it's not like that much of an inconvenience. It's just like, it just smells bad. I will say when I heard the opening music, when I heard like this weird like violins and balalaika type music, I thought this was going to be a surprise musical. And I was so disappointed that this wasn't a musical. It would have been so much better. Like, and I absolutely cannot forgive Ron Fitzgerald for missing that opportunity. Ron, do you hear us? We demand the musical version of Dark Realm.

Oh, I'll help him write it. And we are willing to provide the $46 budget you need to make that happen. Okay, fun fact, he is listening to this. He's 100% And he's writing the musical as we speak. Ron, I'm so sorry, Ron. Ron, turn it off.

But Ron, look, we can't do such a bad thing. No, Ron. He needs to hear our notes though. Ron, I don't think you need, I think, Ron, I don't think Ron is changing at this point. I don't think that there is a lot of Ron that's gonna be like, oh, it's weird. And people don't like it.

I thought people loved that shirt. All right, well, time to grow my hair back on my head. Wear a suit and tie. He doesn't have hair. That's why he's going full heat then, right? That's why he had to he had to like, big shave. This is a choice. This is a choice by Ron and me.

And it's aerodynamic. People like it. Yeah. So Ron is doing again, it's aerodynamic. People like it. Yeah. So Ron is doing, again, because this movie is an attack on me, Ron is both a goth kid and doing the worst form of magic, which is I brought a box with me that does a thing that you might not expect. So this is like a head, first it's like a head stretching illusion. So this lady sits in this big fucking ass, it's so huge. It's so we're hiding

something in here huge. And then he puts a box on her head and then he moves the box because her head's not in there anymore. Here's my question. I know I'm a magician, so I'm a little bit of a spoil sport, but as two non-magicians, what magic effect was he hoping you guys were perceiving in this moment? Not clear. I'll be honest though. It's unclear.

Yeah. I was impressed by this trick. God damn it, Heathen! So far the trick is okay. Yeah. I mean, this is the only one that was impressive at all. You know, you wheel out a box I'm like, okay, it's a trick box like everything that happens now is dumb

But this one wasn't just like oh look it made it so you seemed like you disappeared It was moving her head too far and then picking up the box that had her head Just completely off and like carry her out. I don't know how he did it. The second. Okay. But that's even more confusing to me because that implies picking up the box implies that at that point your audience might think that your assistant just has like a really long flexible neck, but they're taking a box away. Well, that's impossible. I was stunned at that point. I was like, Oh, stretchy neck. What? I hate it. I was like, oh stretchy neck. What?

They should have had you they should have had you in the recording then someone would be actually impressed for person audience Yes, I am the ideal audience for a magician. Sure. He is the ideal But anyways, then the box starts bleeding Which I think is bad magic. Because like, isn't it the point that you're not killing your assistant? Right. Right. Like she should live through it. That's how the trick goes wrong.

That's when the trick is just like, oh, you're just bad. You're just bad at magic and bad at filmmaking, frankly. Michael Caine just explaining to a young boy, like, that's how we got to kill the assistants every time. The prestige is just I killed her. I don't get it. Well no, because that was a picture. Then he wakes up and we realize it was all the dream.

He wakes up next to his hot goth girlfriend in his hot goth bedroom. And this is where I had a revelation and Andrea, be my guide, be my sherpa. Do gods decorate their houses that way too? I mean, goths on a budget, I guess, because it's clear that he just like didn't have the budget to seem like he lived in Dracula's castle. So he has this like, this is well, I don't know, I'd have to go back and watch and see if there's actually sheets on the bed Like he just seems like this just seems like a guy who does not decorate But it feels like in so much as he has decorated he is decorated in his house

For Halloween. Yeah, and I guess up until I saw this movie, I assumed that goth people had normal houses, but just dressed that way like when they went out. I would know I would say I would say that most goth people do bring the goth to their home decor. And they are all obsessed with Halloween. So this tracks for me. This leaves me with so many follow up questions if I may. First of all, what do they do at Christmas? Second of all, what do they do at Halloween? If you're dressed for Halloween all year around, I feel like you've and you're pumped for it, right? It's your favorite holiday.

Do you go extra spooky at Halloween? You got to go norm core. You got to go norm. You got to go norm core for Halloween. You gotta get my house. Bunch of pictures of pugs lying around, right? Just pleated khakis. Yeah.

Sometimes it's just like, they really go balls to the wall, like full on Halloween. Or I would say at Christmas, it's still kind of Halloween. So it's basically Tim Burton's Nightmare Before Christmas. Oh, okay. And they're all obsessed with that movie, too. They do. They like that movie. I know that they like that they care for that movie. I did not realize. I'll say, and I'm owning myself here.

I'm being vulnerable. I'm opening my heart to say I didn't realize this was quite so lifestyle based. Oh, it's so nice. And I don't know how I feel about it. I don't know how I feel about it either. But yeah, he wakes up next to this actress who he is paying to pretend to be his girlfriend. She calls him Spooky.

That's her nickname. And again, I'm like, okay, so everything has to be that theme, right? She can't call him Snokeums. Everything has to be themed on the, it feels very prescriptive. Feel like some days you just want jammy pants that aren't like with spiders on them.

I just want to say that to everyone now is like, hey, you okay, spooky? I want to call everyone that now. You okay, spooky is my new nickname for sure. 100% sure. But yeah, he's like, oh, I had a bad dream, but I'm ready for the three sold out nights of my magic show. And then she is paid to say, that's right. You are a world famous magician, not a failure.

Your parents don't hate you. Opposite success. They love supporting you. I love her phrasing uber famous because it just really smacks of like, I'm an old man trying to write dialogue for basically a teenager. Like, I don't think she's actually 18 yet. And like it like an update for 2024 is you're like slaying the magic game queen. It's serving Uber magic. It's serving fame. Boots. Boots. Boots the house style. Right. So he's okay. He's excited to do it. And then of course, because he wrote the movie, she wants to have sex with him to which he replies, Are you suggesting some dark sticky

fun, my dear? Oh, god. Two reasons why this is the worst. First of all, this man saying those words, I may never get an erection again. Second of all, that's his catchphrase? Like if you go on his Facebook. Oh, it sure is. I went on his Instagram. That's his bio is dark sticky vampire fun or something like that. Oh, that's disgusting.

Sure is. I took a bite. Like I made the mistake of like getting dinner and watching this film. And like I took a bite heard that line and I nearly vomited yeah yeah I like had to spit it out okay seriously my note here is Eli swallows lots of vomit when he's talking to his colleagues. Sure do. I sure do. Not all of it. No, I feel like this should be some kind of punishment we have in the prison like if if you rob enough old people, it's like, all right, Ron Fitzgerald is going to say

dark sticky fun to you six times. You guys shouldn't have robbed them. All right. So now we get some credits. Again, this is where I learned that the master of the dark realm is not just named Ron Fitzgerald, but will go by Ron Fitzgerald throughout the movie. Now, Andrea, you're new around here, so I will tell you, we have a bit of a tradition

here on Godawful Movies of small pathetic crowds, and that was almost my best worst. The crowd quote outside the theater is four fucking human beings. It's pretty rough. Oh yeah. I just thought this is why framing is important. But like, like if you're going to pretend that this is a full house, like you should,

you should try and make it seem like one, like make people like take different shots and like move people around and just like get really close and stuff like that. Anyway, but yeah. No Paul Mark Christmas movie is this. And don't show the marquee saying sold out show Master Fitzgerald's dark room and then show us six people outside. Well, it's a very small theater. If only nine seats. It's not just there only like six people. It's also six people who kind of don't know what they're in for and could care less.

Yeah. Yeah. All right. So now we're going to start the show with a loud, annoying siren. We get a shot of the audience here. Like I was saying, there are literally a dozen audience members in this entire room. And okay. So again, for those of you who haven't watched along with us, and by the way, you should absolutely watch along with us.

Will it mostly go to alimony? I'm sure, but you should want to hunt. Because a lot of the times we review things by like bigots or homophobes and we're like, maybe don't give David A.R. White your money. Give Ron Fitzgerald, your own personally PayPal Ron Fitzgerald until we get Dark Realm 2, is my recommendation. We're getting his, how he obviously comes out on stage. And again, as a magician, I don't know what's supposed to be happening.

They bring out his two assistants, these two fat poor motherfuckers. He's made dress in these monk robes that they do not fit into. And they wheel out this giant chair. This giant person can hide inside here chair. And then they just dance around it. Wait, is that how they do that stuff? Somebody's just in there? Yeah! It's just in there. Yeah

Okay question for you Eli, yeah what percentage of Magicians think they're actually a little bit magical Zero, I feel like it's someone's this guy thinks he's magical There's's no question Ron Fitzgerald tonight, after he listens to this episode, is going to pour some chicken blood in a bowl and do nothing to me. So there's definitely that. But yeah, so he appears in the chair and the... I wrote my notes. And the crowd scare quotes goes wild scare quotes.

Okay. quotes goes wild scarecrows. Okay, I like when he first starts talking because he forgets to do the like magic guy voice. Yeah, it's just Ronald from H&R Block being like, okay, let's jump right in with some magic. No, he doesn't know. He never puts on the voice. He's constantly doing like a keynote speech for the rest of the corporation. Yeah.

Also, I know this is maybe this is just me, but like he has a magician's table that he wheels out for the next trick. And it's very clearly just a magician's table, but he's made it look like a tombstone. I want him to have like a PowerPoint pointer that's shaped like a bat. Everything has instead of a magic wand. It's a magic wound. And then he does the razor blade swallow, which I will say of the tricks he does in this movie, this is the one he does the most like well, right?

He takes razor blades out of the thingy and he's like, look, they're sharp. He cuts some paper with them and he puts them in his mouth and then he puts some string in his mouth and he pulls the string out and all the razor blades are on the string. Right? He's just doing it dressed like an S&M themed Orthodox Jewish woman. Okay. I did enjoy that he tries to like show that they're real razor blades by cutting paper, but three times in a row, he

misses the paper. Yeah. Or it doesn't work and he gets mad visibly. They don't seem very sharp. It feels like he just ripped the paper rather than, because it just doesn't seem that way. But also, he makes this face. He's really hamming it up when he's like swallowing them. I'm kind of like, I should do a magic routine

where I'm just swallowing my multivitamin every day in front of my body. Yes. At one point he pauses and does the devil horns with the razor blade in his mouth. And I just, I've never felt more separate from my fellow man, you know? Like I feel we were all the child

our mother once held us and loved more than anything in the world. But I don't know that that's true of Ron Fitzgerald. I don't know that we're having the same conscious lived experience based on posing with a razor blade doing the devil horns. I also have to point out towards the middle of this trick, he like spits out a little fake

blood, right, as part of the trick. But the trick is about doing this without hurting yourself, right? That would be like if you just stabbed your assistant a little with the sword. That would be like pulling your assistant's head off and then blood flies out. Right, exactly. I feel like at this point, I just really need to offer an apology to Chris Angel because I've always said that he's like bad at what he does, but honestly after watching this guy he's really talented and we should respect him more.

Yeah. Let's give Chris the love he deserves. I'm sorry Chris. So you just already have razor blades on a string in your mouth, right? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, it's just in there. Yeah, it's in there too.

And I will point out, he helps inform us of this because he very clearly spits out the razor blades he does have in his mouth when he quote, takes a drink from his goblet. Yeah. And you can't drink from a goblet if you don't tip the goblet up at all. He's spacing down! You're just spitting stuff at the goblet.

He's like, BEP BEP BEP! Yeah! The goblet might as well be like, CLILILILILI! CLILILILI! CLILILILI! It might as well be a see-through goblet at the level of ruining this trick he does.

Yeah. You might as well just like show a video of you buying 20 doves at a store They're coming yeah, so now he needs a member of the audience and I should point out I watch a Lot of magic. Okay. I just got back from the United States is the largest magic convention not to brag well And I I watched like hundreds of hours of magic here. This is the first time I have ever seen a magician choose a spectator by being like, point at your friend and volunteer them. And I have to point out that like they obviously prepared this right because this is for the

movie and they so clearly put some uncomfortable friend of his in a corset. She's wearing the outfit she chose, right? It's like a prom dress. It's a pretty nice looking strapless dress. And he was like, not goth enough. Do we have an extra corset we can put on her? She's just wearing a corset over her prom dress. Oh yeah. Like it, I definitely had that hot topic corset at one point. Um, it's uncomfortable. It does not breathe and it's just, it doesn't go with anything. Yeah. Okay. And he asks for a volunteer and he says, it has to be a woman, which was so fucking creepy in real life. Does this ever happen? All the time.

All the time. Everybody's like, nope, that was weird. Oh, no, I wish. I wish that would be lovely. No, I was about to warn our podcasting audience. Hey, podcasting audience, if you're ever in a magic show, first of all, unless you're five, leave. Turn around. Second of all, yeah, turn around. Go enjoy adult entertainment. Second of all, if a magician ever says it has to be a lady for this trick, do not do

it. In fact, stand next to the stairs to the stage and don't allow anybody to do it. I promise you what happens will be problematic. Oh yeah. There are like magicians who go to the Ren Fair and it's exactly this. It is just a guy, a guy with too much power. He should never have this much power. Just harassing some teenager. The power of a magician. The third least amount of power you can have.

Still too much. And he's still, it's still too much. It's still too much. Here's the trick he does. Here's the trick he does. She takes a tarot card out of his deck. He can't just do regular card tricks because he's a fucking weirdo. And then he's like, do you, is it have three words? And she's like, yeah. And then he guesses it because you could just fucking do that based on the names of the tarot cards. Oh yeah, absolutely.

Like I read cards like I know how to read cards and I was just like, it's a high priestess. It could be nothing else. There's nothing else. What else could be? Like, I'm just like this is going on too long. And that was it. And then he's like, all right, get off the stage. And so he obviously has the deck memorized. It's not that hard, but he still guesses the letters wrong. Like, yeah, that's his start is like, is it is there a J or an R? And it's not a J. There's only an R. There's like a J in the photo. In the illustration, there is a J, a B and a J.

Right. Oh, okay. And if he didn't say that, he couldn't make it super fun. Blowjob joke. Of course we got to have some playful sexual harassment. You gotta sexually harass someone who definitely didn't consent to that in front of a room full of people This makes me remember that like the magic world I don't think had like a me too moment and I think it's overdue. Yeah. Yeah, like yeah I mean, can I can I be hey Andrea? Let me come over here to not funny corner We've had like seven and none of us have cared Nine time edition have gotten me, dude, and we're just like well

He's so good at pulling doves out of his coat though. So yeah, it's um cool not been six. It hasn't landed home Thanks. I mean all the other meet me to movements also nothing has been done Thank you for the comfort. I appreciate it. If anything, the magic world has handled the Me Too movement worse than every other industry. And I understand how badly the other industries have handled it. Yeah. All right. So that was it.

We watched him guess her card. So now we're on to the next trick. And he does this whole thing where he's like, should I take my coat off? And like one guy's like, woo! There was woo in the script for sure. He looks like he's works in a turquoise shop that's inside a strip club. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Like the two businesses work together. He's like, I'm going to take off my coat and it takes so long because there's like 48 buckles that he has to undo on his insane coat. And then he takes it off and he's wearing like high-waisted pants tucked in shirt. As a fellow high-waist, stick with the jacket. Keep the jacket going. He takes off his gothic coat of hard rock and he's dressed like the maitre d at your local Olive Garden.

It's like he's selling potions at Best Buy. It's not a good look. It would be less embarrassing if he was completely naked underneath. The slacks and button down are so jarring. But now he's going to do the magic ball trick. Okay. Everybody, everybody. Okay, listen, this trick, it can kind of be okay sometimes.

I promise. It's supposed to be... Let me finish. This seems like a real lame trick, even when it's done well. Okay. Be honest. Let's talk from our hearts here. I think Ron has given us permission to discuss method.

How do you guys think this trick is done? This is string. This is string. It's squirmle. He's doing squirmle at FAO Schwartz, but with a ball. You can buy toys that can do the trick that this ball is doing without string. It could even just be motorized and just be floating. Yeah.

You can get those on Amazon. You can. But here's the thing. When you usually do this trick, I can't believe I'm defending this trick. When you usually do this trick, the trick is I'm making the thing levitate and I'm going to prove there's not a string, even though there's a string. Yeah, you do like a hula hoop or something.

Right, you do a hula hoop or something. He seems to have themed this trick on, and I'm not making this a podcast listener, rubbing the ball on a lady's cheeks. Like her face cheeks. Did that prove that there wasn't the string that there was? I don't know what the... I think the presentation was supposed to be that he's putting her soul inside the ball and that's why the ball can levitate.

Okay. Oh, and that's why she like flops down dead for the rest of the act and then pops back to life. I thought she was just so bored of the magic and I got it. I mean, I was so... Yeah. I was like, girl, same. Same.

Girl, same. Girl, same. Side note, he also flashes the method to this trick, which is not a string by the way, so maybe everyone at home will be a little more impressed by that. He flashes the method to this trick, which is not a string by the way, so maybe everyone at home will be a little more impressed by that, he flashes the method to this trick three times during it. My notes are literally flashed, flashed again. It's your movie. Wait, what was he doing if it wasn't string?

If you can't tell, you know, you'd have to watch Dark Realm to figure out the secrets of this. A magician never reveals his tricks. Yeah, exactly. But he's done three tricks, so now it's time for... Okay, again, I have to clarify. It's not time for intermission. He says, alright, the DJ's going to play some tunes for you,

and then just leaves the stage. So we have to assume that after three magic tricks He just leaves to fucking call his coke dealer or whatever Well, that's who we appear to meet next yeah, no, this is where we meet the agent This is his agent and he's asking about Raven now We don't learn this until much later in the movie Raven is the girlfriend who was in the bed at the beginning of the movie and he hasn't seen her all night. He's worried about her. This is very funny thing. The agent says, maybe something happened to her. And he says, that's a crappy thing to say. And I wrote my notes. Nope, it's just a guess. Guess about

what happened. It's honestly not. You don't have to like stretch your mind too far. Like Raven is definitely not the first magician's assistant to probably get murdered. So like, like obviously she's dead. Like if she's gone, she's dead. There's nowhere, nowhere else you could be. Yeah, exactly. You don't get into the magic biz and then get to walk out. It's like the mob.

Yeah. Yeah. And he had premonitions about this, but are they real? We don't know Very mysterious. All right. Well now that I have at least some assurance that we're not just gonna be watching this guy's horrible horrible magic act We'll pause for a quick break and then we'll be back with even more dark realm Penguin Right. Okay. Okay.

Again, like, there's just not a funny way to say a word. Penguin. Okay. Han. Okay. Penguin. Hey, guys, you ready to finish the podcast? I've been texting you both for like an hour.

Oh, yeah. Sorry. I'm not getting texts today. Sorry, you're not getting texts today? Yeah. I signed up for big wireless's when we feel like it plan. You know, to save money. You would think it would save money, wouldn't you? But no, it actually doesn't at all. Guys, guys, if you want great wireless for less money, you should try Mint Mobile. What's Mint

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All right, Eli. Thanks. So you guys ready to record? What about Penguin? Yep, you got it. I knew it. So funny. Penguin.

It was the Gooin. Hello? Somebody in here? You got it. I knew it. So funny. It was the goon. Uh, hello? Somebody in here? Enter the domain of the master of the realm. Do you mean I can come in? Yes. Yes, that is what I mean. You are Eli Bosnik, advisor to practitioners of the magical arts. Yep. Yes,. Yes. That is a thing I do in real reality. Excellent. Yes.

Excellent. And you've reviewed my Festival of Flesh. You mean the YouTube video you sent me of your magic show, man? Yes. Yes, I do. So, you have thoughts? Yeah. Right. Thoughts. Okay. So pretty standard box hopping act. I like the goth theming.

It's a cool angle. I do have a couple of notes. Yes, of course. The devil will have his due. You don't have to respond to everything I say. So there's a lot of touching you for no reason. You're also just kissing your dancers on the mouth just a lot. Well, it is part of my dark and debaucherous process.

Okay. Well, it feels like you're making someone in your sister's Zumba class French kiss you. Indeed. Indeed I am. I shall meditate upon it. Cool. Yeah. Oh, also, you leave the stage after every trick.

I don't... It feels like it's not really helping the show. Okay. And your suggestion? Oh, my suggestion? You just stay on the stage and do the whole magic show, like in a row? In a row. But when do I enjoy my absence?

After? After? Before? Honestly, literally anytime but during your magic show. Very well. Consider your council considered. Anything else? I must away soon. Yeah, I was just wondering, do you ever think about how like Hemingway killed himself and

you haven't? I have not thought about that. Okay, well I do. Understood. Like a lot. Think about it a lot. I actually have too. Good. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha And we're back. When we left off, the master of the realm was having trouble finding a new assistant

to tolerate that absolutely horrible job. And now he's back on stage for his next trick. And as usual, it involves a rolly box of some sort. Yeah, just rolling out a person sized box while a poem about a lady in a box plays. And he's hoping his audience is sitting there thinking, ain't no way there's a lady in that box. But there is. There is.

I really love that he's like, she's a mystery, an enigma, a demon, a goddess. She's all yours, but you cannot possess her. Like, I need someone to introduce me that way. Yes! Andrea, if you want us to go back and redo the intro. Can we roll back? Can we roll back and have a producer? She's a mystery, a demon, a goddess.

Yeah. Absolutely. Please. We're getting you that shirt, Andrea. Morgan, cut that in. I'm just seeing if demon producer comedian actress. But you can't own her.com is taken. Get a prank website on your second appearance on the show. But she is doing like a little sword dance.

I genuinely can't emphasize enough podcast listeners how similar this is to if you handed me a sword and asked me to dance. At one point she sort of puts the sword on her wig. I'm not sure why that would be impressive, but she's like, huh? It stays that way. What do you think? She's doing the worst belly dance of all time. Thank you. I wrote she's done like two belly dance classes and is now telling people she's

a professional belly dancer. Yeah. She's just culturally appropriating the whole thing. Yeah. Also, she's doing the like face the me argue this and I don't know. I don't think anyone's ever done that gesture and it's been sexy. It's definitely not here. Also I should point out that at one point the music cuts, I'm guessing because they couldn't afford like the foot. They just got like that preview when you hover over it. Like the music cuts out and she dances in silence,

complete silence for a full seven seconds. Oh yeah. She was not ready for the cue. They're supposed to do like, oh, we're going to drop the beat again now. And she keeps going. It cuts out. It's like me chanting, let's go blue for too long

at the Michigan game. And I was the only one left who did an extra one, but for belly dancing. Yeah, Andrea, if I may welcome you into our world, whenever I walk with Heath and he sees another man or woman or child or non-binary person, he's very equal opportunity, in a Yankee hat, he goes, go Yankees.

And never, not once in our decade long friendship has anyone said, go Yankees back. Never. Which he assures me is what is supposed to happen. Yeah. This is the dance version of that moment. No, you have to take it seriously. It's like, you know, you don't smile in the team picture. It's along those lines.

Exactly. Yeah. So yeah, she dances around and then she gets in the box and he puts swords in it and she's not in there because where would the swords go if she was? And then he takes the swords out and she's back in there because where would she go if not the box that's shaped like her? But I do have to point this out, right? Because this whole thing has been like,

there was a woman and an enigma. You cannot possess her. And then what they at least think is sexy dancing. And Ron, our good buddy Ron finishes the trick with exact imitation. Yeah. Woo. The trick is over now. Woo. Hey. Fuck yeah! He does that after every trick. He just goes, yeah! Woo! Like every time. The Dancing with the Sword was so long. His tricks are so short.

Like his set is three minutes without the nonsense space work of Dancing with the Sword or whatever. The dance was so long and so boring. I've never been so bored by a hot woman wielding a sword. I've never felt so unbelievably bored by this. Truly. It's also weirdly sexual whenever he joins in. I get a little bit mad because I'm just like, these women are

so attract, these women are attractive. Do they not know that? Do they not know that they don't have to do this? Yeah. Like you can do anything else as an attractive woman. You can do anything else. You don't have to take this. He jumps in with the sword stuff too. And it feels like every magician wants to do sword kata in their real life. 100%. But they just like added magic so that they could get paid to do sword kata plus something that gets paid. All of us were walked in while we were doing sword kata at one point and we were like,

no, I'm practicing. I'm practicing for the big box illusion. There's going to be a lady in there and then she won't be. So it's actually very choreography. This is choreography. You hate dance if you're making fun of us. Get out of my room, mom. Get out of my room.

Dad, we agreed that on my 40th birthday, this was my area. I'm also going to do a conceptual penis hoax on a scientific journal. My name is Ron. Yeah. So now he heads backstage and, oh, someone has killed the belly dancer girl. So now we cut to the theater owner and he is dealing with the dirty community theater groupies.

They're everywhere. You got to fight them off with a stick. Yeah. Is how Ron's real life is. dirty community theater groupies? They're everywhere. You gotta fight them off with a stick. Is how Ron's real life is. I want to point out, right, if I may spoil the film, okay, this manager will turn out to be Satan, which means that Satan, in between haunting the performer whose soul he owns,

tries to get laid at this community theater. Oh, I've done a lot of community theater and that absolutely tracks. Attracts, yeah. You've seen Satan's behavior before. Absolutely. But yeah, he comes running in and he's like, quick, quick, lady India is dead. That's the snake lady's name.

And the manager's like, sorry ladies is dead. That's the snake lady's name. And the manager's like, ah, sorry ladies, murder calls. So they head in and she's not dead. And I just wrote my notes, wait, I'm confused. What's happening on stage while this lady isn't dead? And the manager says to him, I love this, he goes, you've been working too hard. And I wrote my notes, has he? He stands in front of boxes while attractive women dance.

And what's happening is one of 20 intermissions during the show. Yeah. Yeah. One of the 27 intermissions he has. So now we watch him prepare his absinthe because this guy has an absinthe set up and he'll be damned if we weren't going to watch him use it. Eli, I believe it's called Absinthe The Green Fairy. I will need you to say it all the way out each time. Use its proper name?

Can I say, credit where credit is due, this is the most goth beverage to be having. And I don't really think you can have orange juice if this is how you dress, right? Right. Like I don't think you get to have a green Gatorade if you're goth. Okay, but they show us green frost Gatorade. That's what he is absolutely drinking.

Yeah. It looks like lemonade with like a little blue dye in it. Like that's all. It doesn't look like absinthe and no one's ever prepared it in with like a little blue dye in it. Like that's all. It doesn't look like absinthe and no one's ever prepared it in the same way that he has prepared it because he takes like a lighter to it. Oh yeah. Yeah. Like I've never, I've never seen it done that way.

And like he has like the little dripper, but then it drips too fast. Like, I don't know. I don't know if you guys have ever worked in a bar. I sure have. He worked in a TGI Friday, so I don't think they had an absinthe. We didn't do the absinthe over the sugar cube flambé. No, we didn't do that. No.

You couldn't order that with the loaded, triple loaded potato skins. You sure you don't want an ultimate Long Island iced tea instead of that nonsense you said? Instead of absinthe. This is chili. He gets like an El Presidente margarita. Can I get a double chocolate muesli? Sounds like you've worked in the game as well. Yeah. Look at these connections. Look at this. Look at this.

Sure have. I worked at Starbucks. So just in case anyone wants more chocolate children's drinks references, I got you. I worked at a Chili's or an Applebee's, but it was like a locally owned type of place. Oh, a franchise. But it was literally, well, it was like literally. Make your own rules. It was literally like a locally owned restaurant that was styled in the way of a Chili's or

an Applebee's, but it was not Chili's or Applebee's. Oh, you worked at Shmillie's? Yeah. It was called like McGuffin's and they were like, we have a lot of fun here. We have boat paddles on the wall. That's exactly where I worked. And you just talked to a lot of 45 year olds who worked there and you were like, so like not everyone has that impulse to kill themselves.

That's weird. No, it's good. I'm glad. I'm glad. That's good. You're finding's good. I'm glad. I'm glad. That's good. You're finding your drink. Because I would have, oh man, keep me away from the bar knives, you know? But that's good.

It's cool. Oh, you're fucking the busboy. Yeah. That's great. Me too. All of us are. We all are. Yeah.

Okay. So he makes himself the full absent drink. We watch him make the full absinthe and then a ghost walks by so he can follow her into a sepia music video. Yeah. Yeah. Is this what he thinks absinthe does to your mind? Like, is this a weird? Yes, that probably is what they were going for. He's like, Oh, I had a little bit of like the kind of absent that you can get in the stage, which has no hallucinogens

in it at all. Right. And like, cause it's illegal, or at least it was when this movie was made. And like, it's like, oh, this must be an absent the green fairy dream Yeah, like I just thought that like they couldn't make that trick work on stage So they were like, let's go set up in a graveyard

100% this guy in real life at some point started drinking some absinthe with his buddies and was like, oh my god I'm getting transported into a smoke and they were like, no, no,, no, it's not. It doesn't have the wormwood in it. This is from the United States. Keith, I hate to like, no, and your joke, but the notion that Ron Fitzgerald has friends is just too far for me to believe. I don't want to, just you said it, buddies. Even if you just said one friend or paid friend,

I might've gotten over. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I'm not being a good comedy partner. Part of the script was not in the movie. It was for them to be friends and have absinthe together. Yeah, exactly. He told them he was shooting the movie and then they all realized the camera wasn't on. Okay, now here's the thing. I'm not... So we watch him do a float with a lady in the graveyard and look, I'm not precious about the dead, okay? I understand that you're just a bag of bones when you die.

I don't really put that whole like sacred thing on graveyards. But if I die and some douche comes and makes a member of his polycule slash coven float above my grave, I'm going to be pissed about it. I'll say it. There's not a lot of respect I want paid to the dead, but I don't want some douche bag from Hot Topic floating his girlfriend on top of it. I'll say it. There's not a lot of respect I want paid to the dead, but I don't want some douchebag from Hot Topic floating his girlfriend on top of it.

I mean, she's dead. So doesn't she have enough to deal with that she needs this guy? Exactly. She's literally in hell at that point. Right. Okay. So what's happening here, according to the movie anyway, is he's in a dream slash nightmare during which he has the inspiration for shitty stage magic trick on a plank with a levitation? Yes, because we watch him do it in the graveyard and then we cut to him doing that exact same trick on stage. It's confusing because the Absinthe dream thing was in smoky hallway ambiance.

Sepia tone. No, but then the Sepia graveyard happens and I was like, okay, are we into like a swooshed doodly-doo now because it wasn't Sepia and now we're two levels in? Right. I guess we are. And this is how he learns magic tricks. So he finishes that trick again by going, yeah, whoo. And now now he's going to do some crowd work.

And I have so many questions about this crowd work. First of all, he opens his crowd work by being like, do you guys like that she was kind of naked for that trick? And they're like, yeah, yeah, we have to be okay with this. That's my daughter. Like, yeah, okay. And then he does a coat change because obviously he needs an outfit change. He says something and again, Andrea, be my Sherpa, be my guide, help me through the mist and towards the light. He says, do you like my coat? I made it out of emo kids. And talks about how if you knew what emo kids were, you would like me to do. Goths hate emo kids?

Because I feel like they are. That would be like magicians hating mine. That is a fine distinction. That's a very. It exists though. Goths absolutely do hate emo kids and vice versa. What is the difference? I think, well, emo is an offshoot of punk and goth is not punk. We're learning something. Yeah, it's, yeah, like goth is a kind of a different animal when it comes to like the type of music. It's all bad.

None of it's good music, I think. Although I was an emo and so I kind of have like a nostalgic sentimentality about it. But like Goths think emo kids are just like whiny babies and emo kids think all Goths are like just stupid, I think. You're just idiots. I didn't realize this. Okay, I didn't realize this. I didn't realize there was such a... They have like a West Side Story rivalry.

We're fat reaming. But it's like the sharks and the like slightly different sharks. I wanna be in America. It's the sharks and the tiger sharks. Yeah. Right. Sharks and the slightly different sharks. So now it's time for another magic trick.

He puts a lady in a castle. I will point out at this point, we are four tricks. Five if you count the graveyard into the movie. And he has required his dancer slash assistant to kiss him on the mouth for three of them. No, I'm going to crowdfund to get a good lawyer for all these hot assistants. They deserve their day in court. No. What do you think the moment where Ron Fitzgerald, who performs as Ron Fitzgerald, explains

to his dancers that a necessary part of his magic act is that they kiss him on the mouth? What is that day? Is there a day that they bring in an intimacy coach? I think it's at the table read of the script and he's like, it's in the script. Yeah. It's in the script. Yeah. Yeah. It's like the direct, they put it in the script. The director wants it to happen. So I guess we got it. Ron, I thought you were the director.

No, no, no, no, no. The director said. It doesn't matter who it is. The director got to serve his vision. Says it on the paper. It says it. You know. Ron, I thought you were the director. No, no, no, no, no, no. The director said. Doesn't matter who it is. The director got to serve his vision. Says it on the paper. It says it on the paper. Also, I did enjoy the beginning of the scene, if only because it triggered Eli so goddamn much. There's a Shakespeare quote, the Macbeth.

Oh my God. Tomorrow and tomorrow. Tomorrow quote at the beginning. Yeah, cause look, most of the intro quotes have just been like, I am in the dark and the dark is in me. Who knows the man when the man cannot see? But he's doing fucking tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow while he locks in a 19 year old hot topic assistant manager

into his big fake magic castle. And he does a trick that has nothing to do with Macbeth. There could have been witches there. That might have worked. But no, he just says that and then he does a trick that has nothing to do with it. This is also the trick that has the least to do with the gothic theming, right? Because podcast listener, let's give Ron his due. Ron has painted bats on many of these props.

Alright? Ron has gone, he has taken many cans of paint and painted these magic props black and he deserves the credit for it. This is the one he's done the least work on. It like kind of looks like a castle turret, but it's just the prop with the lady going in the box and then she's not in the box anymore. It's really, this was added last minute, right? This is like a cardboard rook from like a middle school set of Alice in Wonderland or

something. Yes. If there was a school play about chess patients teaching you to use your words instead of hitting people, this would be the prop. This would be the costume that the rook wore. It also looks like the paint was still kind of drying in some spots. Yeah. Also, there's a blade to cut through the assistant lady or something like that, like a big butcher knife type thing. And it's supposed to be this like medieval theme old timey and

Played as a red plastic I've never can I say something brave? I'll say something brave and from my heart I've never understood why magicians think this matters, right? They're always they always show it and they always slap the thing like people are gonna think it fucking collapses And then they push it into the thing. But if she was there, it's not a deadly, if it was there, you'd just be like, ouch, you're pushing a tray into my tum tum. It's not a razor blade, right?

It's just a fucking metal sheet. Why is there more than one of them? Like, are we supposed to be sitting there thinking, okay, well, maybe she could be impaled by one metal sheet, but surely no one could survive three It feels like all of these tricks involve cutting a woman into pieces and I just need him to know that he needs to do better. Yeah In so many ways. Yeah, I've got bad news for you about every single fucking magic trick, Andrea. I mean, no offense. You are right.

I just want to be very clear. I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm saying he's working with what the props he's been given. He already did the one where he eats the razor blades. No, he doesn't. I like that the medieval red plastic handled thing gets jammed. He's trying to like shove it into the... So bad!

There's not a single trick that goes smoothly. And they all get caught. In the movie where he gets multiple takes, he does not ever slide anything into the prop smoothly. There's always nine minutes of him being like... Just like... Clunky sex vibes, everything he ever does. Yeah, 100%.

So that trick is over, which means it's time for another intermission. He's going to go backstage and talk to his manager some more. He's not feeling so good. And his manager thinks it would help if he would date some porn stars, he knows. Right. And he runs across the manager guy and the manager guy's holding a plank of wood with rusty nails sticking out of it.

And he's like, I was just fixing the wood with nails. And he's like, okay. And then proceeds to mime, slapping like the ropes of the curtains and is like, yes, yes, that fixes it. I like that he says, I thought she was a cool chick, but maybe she's a flake like all the rest. Like, wow, tell me you're an incel without telling me you're an incel. But I mean, I guess I could have, I could tell from the mustache.

Invite you to the magic act he's doing. Yeah. It's like, Oh, I see. I see. I get it. This is all the things they tell you with what they don't tell you. So now he goes backstage again and now the two ladies he used in the last trick are dead. But then they're not.

And then they both assure him that he's very physically attractive. He's written both of these women to be like, you are physically attractive. You do not look like Uncle Fester's disappointing nephew. I just like that we're gaslighting him the whole time. This is a good departure from the movies. Yes, exactly yes exactly yeah what I'm sure is most of his existence okay according to the movie the devil who we've spoiled is the manager guy the devil is faking dead assistance to fuck with this guy yeah just as like a low level taunt to get like a the pee beneath his bed level taunt. Just like the urine beneath your mattress, yes. Okay. So yeah, he's a little suspicious and

he asks the two assistants. He's like, okay, hey, like, you're fine. I must be crazy. I saw something, but if you see anything weird, just let me know. And they're like, no, nothing. But I want to want them to be like your outfit, your face, the audience laughing at your jokes is weird. That's weird. The aesthetic, the choices we've made. Your crowd work would not lead to any response from an audience. What do we do in our free time?

What is going on? They do have, they do have the best joke in the movie where he's like, did you see anything weird tonight? And they just go, just you. So good. I love these broads so much. And then, and then he teases us. He says, we'll see you at the Festival of Flesh tonight.

Come on. My new email signature. See you at the Festival of Flesh. Andrea Romano, See you at the festival Romano see you at the festival of flesh the enigma All right festival of flesh but apparently nothing weird is happening beyond that or is it We'll find out after one more quick break. First, let me give Act Three the hard sell. Is that a perfectly normal rolling box

right above a taped off square on the floor of the stage? Can you verify that this is a real sword? We've never met before, is that correct? Find out the answer to Eli's profession and more when we return for the prestige of Dark Realm. All right, next audition. Hello.

Hi. Um, you are? I am the Mistress of Pain. Oh, all right. Well, you should you should fit right in at the Festival of Flesh. So what do you what do you do? Well, I staple playing cards to my naked body. Oh. That sounds... uncomfortable.

It is, I can assure you. Right. I just... It seems kind of halfway, right? What? How is that halfway? Well, if you're not like whipping yourself, like doing body suspension, that's the type of stuff we normally do. Like, seems like your act just kind of stings? But it is titillating, no? Definitely not. No.

No, nothing really sexy about office supplies. Ah, then perhaps you would be interested in my second character, Papercut Pauly? Nope, definitely not. Sounds awful. Pang-Nail Harriet. No, please no. Please no. Please don't do that.

Come on, that lady over there just has a snake. How is that sexy? Yeah, I don't know either, but the snake weirdos, they love it. Yeah, we do. See big fans. Why do people like that? I don't know. I don't know.

I hate it so much. And we're back. When we left off Raven was still missing and the master of the realm was a little suspicious. But now he gets a text from Raven that says, see you at the Festival of Flesh. So everything's normal, I guess. And he heads over to that party in his hearse that he drives and owns. I'm certain in real life, too. Again, like I have so many questions about the life of goth people now that I know that this is like, okay, you drive a hearse. What happens when you got to go see your uncle?

You bring your hearse to go see your uncle? You'd be surprised at how useful it becomes. Do people ask for your help moving? When you go through like a drive through at Wendy's, are they like, come on, man, what are you doing? Yeah, because there's a bunch of stuff you're not like, you can't go grab a Starbucks in a hearse. Everyone thinks you're like the world's worst funeral director. I mean, like you can drive a hearse as a regular person. Like there is that show Six Feet Under.

I loved that show. Good show. And the daughter drove a bright green hearse around. I feel like she worked. It's like driving the stair car. Which is punk rock, not goth. You see there's a little distinction. Okay. I'm starting to learn.

I'm starting to understand the difference. Yeah. Yeah. All right. It's all coming together. Which of the two subgroups likes the movie Beetlejuice? I know one of them likes the movie Beetlejuice a lot. I think that's more of a goth thing, but I do know some emo kids who also really love

Beetlejuice, including myself. So yeah. So there's some crossover. Cross over. There's some crossover, but you know, some kids, yeah, there, there, someone is a Tony, someone is a Maria. I just don't know why you would exclude from that kind of outgrouping. We've got a goth Tony and an emo Maria.

And emo Maria is like, where are you? And like the... Yes. Fantastic. Okay, we're all snapping. I don't know what side we're on though. 100%. But instead of the big rumble, they're doing, what's that? Mosh pit? It's just a mosh pit. It's just a mosh pit. Yeah, just a mosh pit. Everyone is, people are leaving with black guys.

This is a great idea. Oh yeah. Yes. I'm currently writing this adaptation of the musical. 100%. Yes. I will be requesting 10%. All right.

All right. That's fine. That's fair. That's actually low. Yeah. So now we're at the festival of flesh. Um, we're greeted by an opera singing mime dog reader clown. Not clear.

She just sings at the front of this apparently, and he walks right past her. But I wanted her to be like, sorry, I need ID. I also sing, but I need to. Are you on the list? No touching. I need ID. I also sing, but I need ID. I'm also sorry. Are you on the list? No touching.

Also, I know this is such a weird nit to pick, but there's a Buddha statue at the Festival of Flesh. And look, I'm not saying Siddhartha was approved, but I don't think the Buddha statue is, I'm going to say this Buddha statue is slightly out of place at the Carnival of Flesh. It's not goth, not goth at all. No?

No, no. But it is a fun amalgamation of different types of people, at least. Right. Snake Lady's there, she's playing with her snake, and then the women in the room begin to take their clothes off. Now, podcast listener, let me part the curtain for you about what happened to me at this point in the movie. So as I said, again, not to brag, but I recently arrived from the world's largest magic convention

in Las Vegas, Nevada. And yes, my depression is much worse than before I went. And when I arrived on the airplane, I was sat next to two lovely, I'm going to say, 75 year old African American ladies. Now, I was given the aisle because I am le fat as the French say, but they really wanted to sit next to each other. So they wondered if I wouldn't mind switching seats. And I said yes, because I'm a gentleman, a scholar, and full of the milk of human kindness. So I then ended up in the middle seat where I had a 75 year old black lady on my left and I'm going to say a 16 year old girl on my right. And then I'm watching

this movie the whole time. I'm just picturing Eli's insane posture for five hours. He's just so tight. Just trying not to touch anyone. Where do I put my arms? Yeah, because the whole time I was just thinking I'm the worst nightmare for both of these women. Both of these women are writing the story of this guy they sat next to on the plane in their head. Just five hours of I'm really sorry about this.

I'm so sorry for how much space. I'm really, really sorry about my physical existence. I'm so sorry. I don't want to be harmed. I wish I was a tiny mouse, but bread is so yummy. And then it made me this. I just, it's because I loved too much that I'm this. It's not because of loving less. I promise. So that's already, I'm trying to eat my tapas boxes small, but I'm watching this movie and then the people start to take their clothes off and there's a 75 year old lady on my left and a child on my right. Right? I know I had several arguments with my wife. She was like, oh, they, they

show nudity on the airplane movies, but I brought this movie with me and I argue to you that it's so much creepier to watch nudity you brought with you on your laptop. So I literally, I had to stop. I'd prefer if you had a penthouse next to me. Yes. On the airplane. I had to stop.

I stopped watching the movie. I literally got home the midnight before we had to record this show and was like, well, I guess I'm just going to stay up until whenever I need to stay up because I'm not. I didn't know how pornographic it was going to get. And there were already boobs and there's a child on my right and an old lady on my left. I almost wanted you to just like announce very loudly that you're not watching porn. I'm doing this ironically. Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, I am not watching porn.

Okay. Social justice focused. Well, now we think you're watching porn more. I have a podcast. Did you say this is for a podcast? I'm watching the porn for a podcast. Worse? It's worse.

And this is where we get, I'm going to say the movie's low point. All right. So these are, I don't know, burlesque? Is burlesque the word? I could not call that burlesque because burlesque is an art and this is not that. It's confusing. It doesn't feel like stripping and it doesn't feel like dancing. So burlesque is what I'm calling it.

It doesn't feel like the people who made this movie have any idea what this event would be like, so they just did their best. And we're in like a bad college dorm room for the Festival of Flesh. There's an alarm clock on like a nightstand on one of the walls. It has bad bad fluorescent lighting. Yeah. This is like that Stefan bit where it's like New York's hottest club. And it just like, we have a harlequin clown that sings mediocre opera. We have striptease that would turn anyone asexual.

We have a snake. There's a snake lady. That's a thing, right? Yeah. She has a snake lady. That's a thing, right? Yeah. She has a snake. Okay. So, so the main performer, entertainer, she takes out a bunch of playing cards and she begins to staple them to her body.

Oh God. And she just does more and more painful places. Like first she staples it to her thigh and I'm like, okay, ow. I do not find that tantalizing. Then she staples one to her. We I'm like, okay, ow. I do not find that tantalizing. Then she staples one to her- What are you, we don't understand the vibe of this. What's happened? This is a festival of flesh.

I don't get it. If she held up a sign that was like, give me a dollar and I'll stop doing this to myself, I would completely understand this act because she does thigh, boob, which seems very unpleasant. No. And then forehead. Her big finisher is she staples a four of diamonds to her forehead. I wrote in my notes, this is many things, but it is not sexy.

Smash a can of beer on your face would be better? I don't know. Yes. Very confusing. They even show snake lady for a second and she's like, what the fuck are you doing? Yeah, snake lady kind of does like a hesitant la la la la. Right. Again, the only thing she's had to say the whole movie is la la la la la. And she's doing like a not so sure about this la la la. If a la la la la could have a question mark at the end. That's the

la la la la she's doing in this shot. Yeah. I liked when she threw out her deck of cards and I guess it was supposed to be like advertising, like those guys in Vegas with the cards or whatever. Yeah. She just has a deck and throws it up in the air and a bunch of extras are like, do we catch them? What do we... and they try to catch... you can't catch cards that just fly through the air like that. And they're all like, do we catch them? What do we? And they try to catch cards that just

fly through the air like that. And they're all like, do we do we pick those up off the floor of this fuck dungeon? I don't feel good about that. So weird. And then she asks Ron to do the big finale, which is

stapling a card to her, to her butt. Yeah, but it's not her butt is a human butt, which is stapling a card to her? Mm-hmm. To her butt. Yeah. But it's not, her butt is a human butt, which is sort of soft and has gives. And hey, can I say this? Milk of Human Kindness got a little insight into the kindness of Ron. Ron doesn't have an item to like slap the stapler onto her butt, which I guess would be what's required.

So it just falls off and he's like, we don't, we can stop. That's good. I make assistant managers at Hot Topic dance around me and stroke me in French Kiss me, but this seems, this seems like a lot. Well, like the whole, the whole strip tease, the whole like weird strip tease is she seems like she's trying to get the audience on on board with it. She's like, come on, like staple staple this card to my head.

Like, nobody's into it. There are no, I can't imagine she's ever been in a room where there have been takers. I think this this act has been in a constant search for takers since the moment it began. Seriously, this would go so terribly for me. a constant search for takers since the moment it began. Seriously, this would go so terribly for me. It felt like honestly, something that Eli would set up to prank me. Yes. And then somebody's like, and let's do the big finale, staple a card to my butt and I'd

try it because I feel weird social contract pressure. And then she'd be like, oh, what the fuck? Why would you actually do that? And then I would Role laughing I will tell you he there is no amount if I could locate this person and Arrange for them to do their act for you and only you while surrounded by your entire family I would do it. There's no amount of money I wouldn't pay. But outside of prank I set up for Heath Enright, I do not know who this act is for. So now it's time for him to chat with another person. I call her British accent girl. Look,

I don't know why many of the women agreed to do this movie that are in this movie, but this girl only agreed to do it if she could do her Mary Poppins voice. I hope she insisted on it. Yes. She needed to insist. She's like, can I be British? I guess it doesn't really matter. No, no, no, no, I need to be British. I have a really good British accent.

And she immediately just goes, oh, she's a squizzy in it. Like she's a squizzy. She went with cockney, which is a weird. I'm not here to tell anyone how to make different acting choices, but it's a weird like seductress choice to be like, hello, hello, gab now roll down the guff now. So he's chatting with a Mad Max extra while he waits to go on stage. Some guy in cyber pump goggles comes up and is like, Oh, I'm excited for the show. And he's like, thanks so much. And then a lady in a cage gets his attention. This is his ex girlfriend Aria.

And I point this out because it's very clearly supposed to be that like hands over the eyes peek-a-boo moment, but she's in a cage. She can't do that. So he has to back up into the cage and then she covers his eyes and is like, guess who? And he's like, probably the person in the cage. Yeah. And he realizes it's Aria, his ex, I guess. And he says, why are you here? She says old times is why I'm here. So she's in the cage for all she got a cage based job

for old times. She's here to deliver a warning, but she's not going to let that deny her cage time. OK. I like she she puts her hands over his eyes and she's like, guess who? And he's like, that fragrance is hauntingly familiar. And I can only imagine it's like off brand glitter body splash from like TJ Maxx. Like that's what it smells like. It smells like a funeral. And that's what it smells like. It smells like a funeral.

Yeah. And that's why it's gone. Hepatitis medication. Aria, is that you? Is that you? Can only be one person. Smells like the drain in the sink at Shmilly's. Is that you?

And she gives him a piece of paper and he's like, it's blank. And she's like, don't worry. It won't be blank at the end of the movie. Okay. So to be clear, She took a shift on this night in a cage to deliver a blank card To be cryptic about a message to him For old times. That's that's what just happened correct So now he's gonna do magic for the audience at the Festival of Flesh and look

I can't imagine anything more disappointing than the part of the Festival of Flesh we've seen so far, except for Ron Fitzgerald's magic show. This would be the final show. I'd be like, God damn it! That lady stapled stuff to her butt. All I felt there was empathy. And now fucking Darth Maul's son is doing magic. I hate it here.

I hate the Festival of Flesh is what I would say. But yeah, so he's going to do another one of his magic trick with this lady's boobs out. At this point, I began to apologize to Andrea for the amount of boobs in this movie. I've seen so many HBO prestige TV shows that I'm just like not fazed by this at all. I know, but I just, usually our movies are pretty anti-boob, right?

They're pretty like against boobery. And so you feel like you wanna, you wanna warn someone about the sheer amount of boob they're gonna be exposed to. And so he's doing, podcast listener, he's doing that Halloween magic trick where you put the needle through your arm, but he's doing it with her neck. But it looks really bad when you do it on someone's neck. Yeah.

Also, it doesn't seem like a magic trick because she's still she's just walking away bleeding. Thank you. So I'm just like, wouldn't it be more magical if she somehow was unharmed by this? Because it just seems like you're giving her a terrible piercing. Yeah, it looks like you just harmed a human. And given the staple thing we just saw, if you don't know it's a magic trick, you're probably like, this is the worst night ever. I miss staple lady. Also, I have to point this out, right? So at one point, I guess it's supposed to be vampire themed, right? The notion being that like he's going

to lick her neck and then she's healed, right? Although they don't bother to show us that he's healed, but she's got all the red stuff on her neck. The blood. Here's the thing. I've done this trick. You do it with fake blood, obviously. I hope they did it with strawberry syrup. Because otherwise, he just had a mouthful of Ben Nye and that is the grossest part of the movie.

Why did her shirt have to be off to do a neck needle? Because it's the Festival of Flesh. Okay. You need boobs out for the Festival of F? Because it's the Festival of Flesh. You need boobs out for the Festival of Flesh. Stop questioning the Festival of Flesh. Stop questioning the Festival of Flesh. Heathen Wright, stop questioning the Festival of Flesh. Every episode.

World's biggest prude over here. So now he, and I will say this, he got up on Movies first. Now he wakes up out of a dream while backstage. He's not asleep. He does like a huh? Where am I? And his managers like you're backstage at the place you were earlier. And he's like, what? What time is it? And he's like, I don't know the movie. We haven't really established time. At this point, I just wrote in my notes. The writing of this movie is more painful than stapling a card to your forehead. Alright, so now it's time for more magic.

Okay, now that I'm thinking about it, according to the movie, the devil was making him have these nightmare daydream things, right? So like, what he he's going to the absolutely horrible festival of flesh and having to staple a card because of the social con. That's pretty good devil stuff. That is a pretty good devil torture. Honestly, if when he dies and goes to hell, which he will, cause he is not accepted Christ as his Lord and savior. Of course. I think the devil just being like, I'm going to do it last second. You have to stay in

both this. I don't, you said no staple this. You said no backseats. We agreed no backseats when we became, Andrew, that was in the contract we sent you. It's just prudent. No backseats on Christianity. I've heard that if you do it at the last second, it works. Yeah. No, it does.

That's the rules, Pascal's Wager. Exactly. Totally holds up. Okay, great. So we're all fine. There's time. Yeah,'s wager. Exactly. Totally holds up. Okay, great. So we're all fine. There's time. Yeah, we got plenty of time.

So now there's more magic and it's another box and it's stupid and he chun-kises a lady. I do have to point out something about this box. So he brings out this box and when he brings out this box, it's under a blanket. And he does a lot of dancing around this. And then he pulls off the blanket and the audience applauds. The audience was impressed that there was something. It's a prop! Oh my God, it's a prop under the sheet!

It wasn't nothing! It's also like a really cheap looking like painter's tarp with like hand prints on it. And I'm like, well, we ran out of money somewhere. Sure did. Sure did. Also, I just have to say this from the magic, right? So this is the through the body illusion, right?

He chains himself in and then the ladies dance around him and they French kiss him because that's in his fucking contract. And then they burst through his body, right? But they show the illusion from the side. Yeah. And if you've watched this movie, you understand why you're not supposed to show this illusion from the side. Because it's just a person struggling their way through the side of this thing with their legs.

Well, like the little slit she has to come through that looked very vaginal to me. So I just wrote, he just gave birth to his sexy magician's assistant, Mosel Tov. Yes. 100%. Yeah. It's supposed to be crawl through his stomach. Right. But we watch from the side.

Just very clearly like, oh, she went around the side. And trick. Yeah. They finish and they, I have to point this went around the side. And trick. Yeah, they finish and they, I have to point this out, at the end of this trick, they do this very slow choreographed sort of Power Rangers bow. It lasts almost a full 60 seconds. It's fucking insane. They have the big arms out moment at the end too.

Yes, that's what I'm talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That bow. Okay, yeah, with the bow with the arms out. Yeah, they all do like a fame end of act one moment. But we get to watch assistant lady counting down the like cue for that being like three, two, one, arms out. I know we were bopping her. Yes. And he's mad at her because clearly he cut like nine times being like, don't count out loud.

Don't count out loud. He's doing it again. I birthed you for a reason. She's definitely the type of person who's like when she's reading something, she's moving her lips. Yeah, 100%. That's what's happening right here. So he goes backstage, Raven's there.

You know Raven, we've been looking for the whole movie. She's there. She's dressed in a nurse's outfit. Why? Never makes sense in the movie, but she's in a nurse's outfit. I like to believe she's actually a nurse. She's actually a sexy nurse. Yeah. Yeah. So there's this great moment, right? Because this is supposed to be like the dramatic culmination

of the mystery of the film. And she's like, you're killing them out there. And he's like, look, that was an amazing pun, but this is very serious. I went to the festival of flesh and I saw Aria and she's like, Aria? And I wrote in my notes as a joke, Aria has been dead for 20 years. And that's actually what happens in the movie. And then he's like, well, she gave me this blank card.

And she's like, no, that's your manager's business card. Well, she says, this is Price's card. And I went, who's Price? Who is that? But it turns out at the end of the movie, sorry to spoil it for everybody, but at the end of the movie, it's kind of a pun that he's also called Price because it's the price you pay. You know what?

Your soul is the price. This is a good movie. That's actually some really good writing. You tied it together. Full of Easter eggs. So now, and podcast listener, I know you're not going to believe me when I say this. Remember at the beginning, we told you he did that stupid trick where he's moving the head around and he takes the head off.

Now he does that trick again. The exact same trick we saw at the beginning. It he takes the head off. Now he does that trick again. The exact same trick we saw at the beginning. It might be the same shots. I did not care to go back and see if it was the same shots or different shots, but he does the exact same trick again. It's like the movie put me in Groundhog Day and the penalty is I watched this movie again over and over. It was it's Chekov's head in a box trick. Yes.

I guess. Because you think this is the moment where it's all going to go wrong and the movie is going to come full circle. Nope. It goes fine. Yeah. Yep. It's all good.

So then he rolls out another fucking box and puts another fucking lady inside of it. And then he stabs the box with swords, and then he ikes all the box out of the swords, and the lady is inside of it. Magic. Now it's time for another trick. I didn't invent this movie podcast, listener. Okay, this is the weirdest one. Okay, this is how he introduces this trick. This is the exact order of the lines. I'm not interceding or changing the order

of the lines. Are you guys ready to see some more sexy ladies? And the audience goes, Whoa. And then he says, if you've ever felt persecuted, because you're different, this trick is for you. Yikes. I loved that. It was just like we cut to this all white criminally straight crowd where I was on the floor at that point. If you've ever felt persecuted because you're different, this magic trick where I pretend to light a lady on fire is For you, you might as well open this trick by saying you're welcome black lives

So, yeah, he pulls a lady out dressed like a wish she lights her on fire I have to point out one thing about this trick because it's so stupid There's a stool for her to get into the coffin that is going to light on fire, but the stool wasn't gothic enough. So they put two little plastic skulls on it. And then she yells while she's burning. She yells, I'm melting because the Wizard of Oz is in Goth and they haven't seen it.

They just know that's a thing that a witch said when she died in fiction. One time it was in Macbeth, like the quote they did. Yeah, exactly. And then he opens the coffin and there's a skeleton in there. And then he takes the skeleton, they take the skull off the skeleton and French kisses it because literally everything involved in his magic act must French kiss him. And then he holds up the skull.

He walks to the front of the stage because he's done with the trick and he needs to tell everybody. He holds up the skull and he's like, hey, and then confetti explodes. Confetti explodes. I laughed for so long. You can, listener, fill your mouth with confetti right now and go, you have just simulated the

confetti cannons that end Ron Fitzgerald's act. And it's not, it's not black confetti. It's a multi-colored birthday clown. It's rainbow. Yeah. It's got. Yup. Yeah. It's got real like 30th anniversary wedding vibes. Yeah. It's just like, wow, that's so goth of you.

So now it's time for the thrilling conclusion of the movie. The devil slash the manager is backstage trying to get some lady to sign a contract. Is she like, he's getting her to sign it in blood. And this is just, again, just the moments of humanity, right? She cuts her finger and he's like, Oh, we'll have you sign the contract and then I'll get you a bandaid and some Neo sporing. And until you've seen a man try and say the word Neo sporing like the devil, you really haven't left.

Let me tell you. Neon sporing, Neon sporing, Dun Dun Dun. Neosporin like the devil you really haven't left. Let me tell you. Neosporin. Neosporin dun dun dun. I might also have some gauze in the little medical kit that I have in this drawer. Do you want a SpongeBob bandaid or a Mickey Mouse bandaid? I have some liquid sutures if you want that. You know you're not supposed to put hydrogen peroxide on cuts. That's a myth.

Did you know you're not supposed to use Q-tips in your ear either? Ears. Just for the outside part. You're supposed to rub along but not in the canal. Why even they invented something that you can get that feeling from in an empty way? I see those ads for those ear washers on TikTok, but they seem scary to me. I've been filing my taxes as single. You can actually do that if you want.

You can do that. If you hire your kids for your company, you can pay them. You should do it now. But shitty financial TikToks. You know that little open area on the pot? You can put the spoon in it and have it drip right over. It's perfect. That's right.

It's meant to be trained with the top of the lid. You flip it upside down. No, it's like, Hey guys, so thanks for taking over when my power went out on the podcast. Did you do the last third of the podcast? When I'm editing, it's actually free. You don't need Pro Tools. You can just cover your mic with a pop filter. You don't need to get one that lives in front of it. Andrea, any life hacks you want to... We're cursing our poor boss. I mean, if you can't get a pop filter, which you can because they're only like $8 on Amazon,

you can just use a sock. You can just use a sock. You can just use a sock. There you go. That's true. Educational and entertaining. I got a prime master card and it gets 5% on every Amazon purchase. So that $8 is less. That's great.

It's 40 cents off. So he comes back. I think we've rule of 26 for no. So he comes back and he's like, hey, you're the you're the devil. We made a deal and you've been messing with me. And he's like, that's right. But I'm not just a demon. I'm the head honcho, the big cheese, Donald Trump.

And I don't I don't love having the same political beliefs as the people who made this movie. Like, I'm glad they're on the right side of that thing, but I don't know how I feel about it. I was like, are the Republicans right? I don't know that I want to agree with Ron Fitzgerald. This was made in 2013, so I think that was a joke about The Apprentice. Oh. Yeah.

Like, head honcho Donald Trump joke, classic. Little did they know they were actually predicting the future. Yes! Crazy. I've always said that. Ron Fitzgerald. Yeah.

Ahead of his time, yep. But this is where Ron would like to explore the loophole. I love this because he says, I'd like to explore the loophole, and he says, just for asking, I'm taking both your souls. I didn't know the devil was allowed to do that. And he says, no, that last trick was actually a cult magic. I have all the power. And he's like, ah, damn you, Ron Fitzgerald. Well he also says, if I say your name, you're powerless. And I'm like, so he's like Rumpelstiltskin in like, he's like, ah, he knew my name.

Yeah. Oh, come on. And yeah. So the devil's just like, fuck you. I'll be back. And he dies. And apparently that was the end of the movie. I wrote, is that the end of the fucking movie?

And that is the end of the fucking movie. And yes, this movie ends like every magic trick he does. Yeah. You might as well go on and be like, the movie is over, hey! Yeah. Confetti. Ron could come to our house and go, yeah!

Yeah. But he would. It has like the best last line in all of history where he says, no rest for the wicked. And I was just like, yeah! Like, he puts on sunglasses. We play like we won't get fooled again. It just feels exhausting.

It must be exhausting to be here. Like sometimes people will meet me after a live show and I'm not this and they'll be like, Oh wacky Eli. And I'm like, Oh, but it feels like Ron is like, if I was just like, I can't wait to lick somebody every day, all day of my whole life. Oh yeah. So that's actually the end of the movie and all of his tricks for now, but you can go see him in real life if you want to learn more. Box magic stuff. Eli, it's just like a mirror or whatever it looks like. There's nobody in the box and then there is.

I'll never tell! Alright, well that's gonna- Ron Fitzgerald is in touch with the Dark Forces! That's gonna wrap it up for Dark Realm, but that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we found another terrible movie. Eli, what's on deck? Well, Heath, if we're going to strike it my nearest and dearest, it's only fair that you get a turn while I'm on vacation next week.

So through in-depth conversations with Bitcoin and interfaith religious leaders. I quit twice now. This film exposes the broken, unjust, and immoral nature of our current fiat-based monetary system. One that is intimately connected to the military-industrial complex and the propagation of war. If the Fed is a fucking Ponzi scheme in this movie. Oh my God. The film also shows how and

why members of the poor and middle class feel a financial squeeze even when they work hard and leave fiscally responsible lives. We'll be watching the YouTube documentary. God bless Bitcoin. Come on. I'm going to miss it. I'm on vacation. I'm so sad. Eli, did you make this movie? You have to tell me. Yes, he did.

Staple a card to its butt. All right. Well, with that to do next, we're going to bring episode 469 to a merciful close. Huge thanks to Andrea for joining us. Fantastic time. If people want to hear more from you or see more from you, where can they go? Well, if they're in New York City, I do sketch comedy and theater all over the city. My next show is called But Would You Say? And it's a sketch variety show down in Brooklyn on August 24th at eight, I believe. Nice.

And it's in Industry City. It's at the Tom Kane Theater. So you should come see that. And also you can follow me on Instagram at The Andrea Romano. Fantastic. Everybody check it out. Sounds like a great show. And of course, a big thanks to our Patreon donors for all the

generosity. If you'd like to help support the show, you can make a per episode donation at Patreon.com slash God awful. And that'll get you early access to an ad free version of every episode. And if you enjoyed the show, you should check out our sibling shows, The Skating Atheist, Citation Needed, Skeptocrat and D&D minus available in all the podcast places. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email God awful movies at gmail.com. Our theme song is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick

of Evil Giraffes on Mars. All other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Andrea and Eli, I'm Heath. Promise to work hard, turn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the Animal House clothes. Andrea went on to write the Tony award-winning musical, Dark Realm, The Musical. Eli went on to attend the same professional events as the guy who made the movie. It did. Satan decided to leave Ron Fitzgerald

as a stage loosenist in Chicago, Illinois. Save him the commute to about, about Eli. We all agree is obnoxious. Whisper consensus. Yeah, you got it. I couldn't think of a word and I was like not fight. That's how contentious my life is. I don't have a word at the tip of my tongue for agreement, consensus, happy. Okay.

Five count. Ruins my sex dungeon experience every time. Every time there's a snake. You brought your pet. At my local sex dungeon, we don't do that. No snakes. Don't do that. This is the type of place I need to get introduced to.

Honestly, they have one rule and it's no snakes. No snakes. And it's no snakes. That's how I was... This is perfect. The other night I did a bunch of coke. I was like, I'm starting a sex dungeon with no snakes. No snakes! And it's no snakes! That's how I was... This is perfect. The other night I did a bunch of coke, I was like, I'm starting a sex dungeon with no snakes. So there you go.

Finally, the market is over saturated with sex dungeons that like snakes. Basically, they're snake dungeons you can have sex in at this point. Snakes are actually the first thing. And then you start fucking in the reptile section of the zoo. You're banned for life. It makes no sense. Now you're the asshole. Yeah.