God Awful Movies - 47: Gam047 Leap 2: Rise of the Beast

Episode Date: July 12, 2016

This week, Eli, Noah, and Heath join forces for an atheist review of Leap 2: Rise of the Beast, a low-budget (no... lower than that) action packed drama about a group of sassy teens that stand up to the Catholic antichrist with a combination of parkour skills, kung fu, and old fashioned pluck. Somehow managing to pack even less parkour into this sequel, filmmaker Chris Tempel seems to have used this film to chastise people who said nothing could be worse than the prequel. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page.

Now I have to ask you guys, do you think they really blew up an apartment for this scene? Because that was damn realistic. That was really fucking realistic. I think they bought, that's not even an on-brand version of After Effects. This is like before Michael went back to Yugoslavia to work in the salt mines, he was like here as a part thing, if it is called with their effects. He has explosion, the end of the sword, and the black and white. Who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be my right is my good friend he then right he's welcome back thank you thank you but um i prefer if you use my tracer name from now on which is uh pi boy oh thank you yeah sitting 23,912 miles to my left is my bad friend Eli Bosnich Eli how are you this fine

afternoon sir i'm doing pretty well but i would also prefer if you would use my tricky out of me name I liquor But it's just the eye it's not you I right small eye big L and in the middle I in liquor is a why oh Nice and there's no e it's just liquor Now if you excuse me my girlfriend just gained 175 Now if you excuse me my girlfriend just gained 175 pounds. We'll get there, we'll get there. I'm hanging out with Pi Boy too much. What will we be breaking down today? All right, we watched leap rise of the beast.

Yes we did. Part two of the leap trilogy, which is about 75 minutes of increasingly unattractive Protestant people acting like eight-year-olds while they follow clues in the Bible to prove that Catholics are collectively the anti-cracker. That's all the movies we did. Basically a really weird bigoted combination of like Carmen San Diego, the Da Vinci code and Jews clues. They just figured out Jews clues.

They just figured out Jews clues. Dora the Tore Explorer. Andy, lie, how bad was this movie? Well if you liked the first movie, but you thought yourself damn it El director needs to stop limiting himself with his sweet sweet parkour and focus on how hot jet fuel burns We'll love this movie. Less roofie more truthy We'll love this movie. Let's roofie more truthy. This movie is like 92% people sitting around in an apartment talking about conspiracy

theories. Yeah, unbelievable. All right, so in the interest of trying for our compliment sandwich here, I thought we'd start this week off by naming a few ways that this film was clearly superior to the prequel. And I'd like to start off with seven minutes shorter big big upsell and yeah, yeah, anybody else got anything Just gonna be dead silence from this. Well, Tina's dead. Oh

Cheers. Yeah, we got more fat people running in this one. Oh, uh, we got fight scenes in this room. Oh, yes, I'm pretty Sweet fight scenes in this movie. We have some pretty sweet fight scenes. Oh, amazing. And Canon DSLR, motherfuckers. How about that? Yeah, damn right. That was shot almost as nicely as people who own an iPhone. Yeah, almost. And so, okay, so how about the reverse side of the coin?

Anyways, that it was worse than the prequel? Tina's dead. I think, yeah. It's true, I missed her. Can I go in sound effects? Like the first movie sound effects were bad. The second movie sound effects, this movie sound effects were fucking sarcastic. Like, whoppa, whoppa. Brian, come on, can you try to book you? I was doing it ironically. And also they were drowning out everything else in the movie. It was unbelievable. The mic on this was crazy. I was going to say that somehow and I would not have believed you if you had told me beforehand, but somehow the parkour was even less impressive in this movie.

Yeah. There's a lot more running and a lot less jumping. Yeah. You know, none of its parkour still, but there is definitely a lot more. They've obviously had like a post production meeting after the first moving. They were like, guys, this wall jump stuff was fun, but like it's time to settle into the real parkour, which is people sprinting as fast as their 20 pound overweight bodies can take them. That's the real parkour. Of course, is there anything that you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? I'm going to go with worst switch of a character. I mean, we're going to get to it. Because it literally is the greatest thing that's ever happened.

I know I tend to say that, but if you had told me this had happened I would have been like come on now that's don't be sarcastic. Don't be me. Yeah, it is So baffling what happens in this movie that I literally like had to call and because I've been high This is like weed legal where I am so I've just been high every minute except for this one and so I've basically had to call in and be like movie ladies same Honestly pretty much the same nomination for a best worst forgetting which actress played which character in the first one Yeah, it was fucking insane the movie is already so insane at that point and then they throw this more insane Twist on you at the very end. So yeah, yeah, we'll get to it, we'll get to it. So obviously we're anxious to get it over with, so we're gonna pause for a quick break and when we come back, we'll jump right into all the anti-climactic running away. That is leap rise of the beast. Rest in peace, Tina. Considering the fact that L director, the mirror masterbader chiefly responsible for this failed coat hanger abortion child of a movie, knew that we were reviewing Leap last week,

many of our fans encouraged us to reach out to him for an interview. And what we have absolutely no interest in having someone on our show who shows that the people in this movie are villains by letting women preach or who thinks that gay people cause swine flu, we didn't want to leave you the listener disappointed. So we plugged the leap and leap to into our human interaction simulator and we've created a perfect clone of him here in studio. El director, welcome to the show. Thanks for having me, bros. Ah, fuck. He smells like ax body spray. Like so much ax body spray. Yeah, yeah, it's actually a special set. It's called Brock. All proceeds go to Brock

Turner. Love you, bro. Wait, broke wait the rapist we prefer surprise sex enthusiast oh can I hit him right now not yet not yet almost almost so so the real life version of you assured us that the theology of this movie that we're about to see is unlike anything we've ever heard before but honestly you know people have done this 9-11 truth or bullshit about the Catholic Church since before either of us were born. So what exactly was supposed to be original? Well, great question, Heath. See, where you're wrong is the stuff about the Pope is pretty standard.

My point is have you ever heard that theory expoused by someone standing with their foot on a porch like he does in the movie? I mean, no? Yeah, also, fun fact, later in the movie, you might have missed this, but the actress who plays my girlfriend plays a totally different character in this movie than she did in the last one, then she did in this movie, then she did in the last one. Well, we got a new actress to be. Yeah, we very much noticed. Yeah, man, why would you do that though? What pretty simple actually there were some issues with a restraining order and I didn't want to deal with that kind of drama for leap three pony backwards is why not so

That that that's true. I still have follow-up questions though. This is yeah, yeah, so do I make no sense Gentlemen as much as I'd love to answer them afraid the hair gel and body spray that you used to hold together my atomic structure is dissolving, so it's time for me to go. Did you start all the wars? I hated him. I want to stop doing interviews in here. I think that's maybe the last one.

He's smell like clove cigarettes and clown makeup. D-Me. What a mess. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha was for a merroghen. So this is that targeted YouTube marketing that all those people who keep calling us keep telling us about that targeted marketing. You've ruined my YouTube, man. And of course, we've got to start out with some Bible. So we start out with Revelation one three, blessed is he that readeth and they that hear the words of this prophecy and

keep those things which are written therein for the time is at hand. The time is at hand written circle 100 CE. Yeah. Generally, I'm about to come doesn't mean in about three millennia. Yeah. So then we get the movie going, we start where we left off on the last one, the European Union with head microchips basically. Yeah. And they keep emphasizing that they're the size of a grain of rights. They said that we left off on the last one the European Union with head microchips basically yeah and they keep emphasizing that they're the size of a grain of rights. They said that last time they said it again here and I really feel like they could have got that down to like mustard seed size. I mean, the price is enormous. Crazy. Also, I should point out that the first shot of this movie is someone filming a TV. Yep. Not the shot from the TV.

They couldn't figure that out. They were just like, look man, we filmed it, put it on the video, we'll put the video on the VCR, and then we'll film the video. It'll be great. It'll be great. No one will notice. I noticed.

I see. Yes. And then we zoom in from outer space on Oregon, and it's time for some parkour parkour or some just running and this is where we meet crusty the clowns illegitimate son yes the characters named by the way is Luke they will not tell you that until like 45 minutes and i'm gonna tell you early his name is Luke yeah i call him baby crusty throughout this movie that's fine that's my character is name and uh he is parkouring the shit out of this flat pavement. It's, he might as well be doing air parkour over nothing

with an air guitar at the same time. I just, my notes are parkour does not equal endurance running, yeah, exactly. And but of course there's a cop huffing and puffing behind and has to stop and call for backup because he can't keep up with this awesome parkour Yeah, and why not do that while you're still running But but then we find out it's because you actually a

Gameground by stopping to call for backup in the race. I didn't realize that's Yeah, right. Yeah now all of a sudden he's right on the dudes out So either the guy to stop then got a soda or something or the cop took a shortcut But yeah, and the cop is fucking hilarious like the actor can't even stop smiling while he's running He's got the movie look at his face I mean the movie By the way my music note here was I got rejected by stump so now I play these buckets Yeah, a lot of unnecessary knee pads in this movie I play these buckets. So we're getting here. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, yeah.

A lot of unnecessary knee pads in this movie. A lot of unnecessary knee pads. Yeah, we'll get to some more of them before it's over. Now, and this is almost not worth noting in terms of parkour, but he conned vaults a car at this point. And the reason I, my point that out is that it was the last time we will ever see parkour in this movie. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, there is ever see parkour in this movie. Mm-hmm. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, there is no more parkour in this, and I kept thinking they were saving it up for a big chase at the end, but no, I'm gonna ruin it for you now, spoiler alert. You will never see parkour more impressive than guy con-volting a car sideways from the hood. Fun fact, only thing in this movie of the two movies we've watched, of the three hours plus of this film that we've watched, that I am not instantly able to do, was that guy going,

NEE! Yeah! Ha ha ha! Yeah, no, super out-impressive, but anyway, eventually the cops trap and we get back up and they corner him in this, uh, this little alcove, where I think they're gonna rape him with their batons. Yeah, they're a hundred because he goes Let's make sure you can't run away again and Undo the baton and by the and demands that they let him go.

And Shane in this movie, there is nothing more obvious to me in the world than that Shane stayed in character for however long it took between movie one and movie two. I would bet everything I have that Shane Daniel Day Lewis to this part. Yeah, every moment he woke up and he was like, call me Flyboy and his mom was like, Shane, I'm not calling you Flyboy. He's just doing parkour over Heath Ledger's body the whole time. Method. And by the way, my note here as soon as Shane shows up, is that Sonia Blade from Mortal

Combat? No, it's fantastic. my note here as soon as change shows up, is that Sonya blade from Mortal Kombat? No, fantastic. He looks exactly like Sonya Blades. Yes, yeah, exactly. My note was, how can we make Shane even do sure in this one? Why Camo pants, of course, which he'll be wearing in every scene in this film. He will never not be in Camo pants in a great tank top at any point now we get We get to our first fight scene and this is pretty fucking great to eat your heart out David A.R. White

This was pretty amazing. This fight. Okay, so there's so many things to talk about I'll talk about wait. I don't I'm lost. This is I need I need like a skeleton key like you have for Finnegan's wake for this face There Okay, the sound effects start with the sound effects the sound effects are not you know old kung fu We like wow wow wow you know how those are corny This is like someone described those sound effects to a deaf person and then gave them like wet meat and was like here you go, recreate that with this. And the person was like, I don't do mean it's like come on Marley, be a teen player. Okay, because it's just like.

Grinch. Grinch. Yeah, but by the way Noah, your dad was a police officer, right? Yes he was. Okay, so do the cops normally swing the was a police officer, right? Yes, he was okay So do the cops normally swing the night stick like a battle axe really slow over the top Is that a standard move? Yeah, when they have a gun they tend to walk straight up to you with a battle axe baton thing There's a name for that technique. I forget Rided him on a horse with their with their ton out in front of Yeah, I think they may have fucked up some of the cop technicals here. Yeah, I'm pretty sure the stage combat was brought to you by Eli Bosnick's slow motion middle school larping class or something very similar. It was all the fight scenes in this were like right before that you know they were gonna like okay Okay, and then I'll go like this I'll go like this no no no you go like that

Yeah, you can tell whatever was 80 yard out of this scene was slower guys slower Getting hurt Oh, and this is not the best fight scene a little tease for you. There's a better fight scene in this movie All right, so he defeats the cops and of course he has to check and make sure that they're okay because he's Christian he's Christian and then we discover that the reason they were chasing Lucas because he's parkour Jean-Velzon and he's stolen some fucking cliff bars or something. Yeah we're after him for stealing power bars. Yeah power bars. Yeah exactly. So he's, man, you're making us look bad.

And he's like, I can take care of myself. And Shane's response is, if you can take care of yourself, try keeping up with me. And then he climbs over a fence in a way that it, honestly, if there were a burrito on the other side of this fence, I could climb up it more quickly. He's just like, oh, dude, oh, oh, that dude could have walked around the other side and taken the stairs by then. Yeah, exactly. He said, try keeping up with me. And he's like, um, do you want to head start? Do you want to just say go? You're ready for a step. Usually someone does something impressive after they say that. They don't, they don't struggle up a fence, poop a little, which I

couldn't see, by the way, even though you're wearing camo pants fall down on the other side weep silently to themselves say a prayer get up and then limp away man this is my only pants for the whole movie that's why we're camo no one could tell I shot myself dude we can smell it. Can you though? Yes. Your audience can. And then we cut to two years earlier, and where I wrote my nose, oh, hopefully something interesting was going on back then. But no, we're, we've cut here just to establish that two years ago, Shane was doing pull ups. That is all we're really going to learn with this two years ago flashback. Yeah, two years ago Shane was getting ready to cape fear someone very clearly. Love and hate on his knuckles and he has a helmet of slick back hair gel going on in the shot. It looks like he's going to kill someone for having a better business card, honestly,

by jumping over them somehow. You're right, right, exactly. Then he gets a call from Michael from the first movie Yeah, yeah saying to turn on the TV So he turns on the TV and I was so excited for Noah to watch this part of the movie because when he turns on the TV The sound in their own movie clips And bad yeah, it's like And bad. Yeah, it's like Dan the world of

It's like Brian's making his own movie at this point You do something about that glib and fuck me Exactly evenly produced by go fuck yourself My notes here are literally are just okay, fuck you Chris. You're doing this on purpose now And then we get them on the phone, and I guess he's supposed to be talking to Sierra. You know, well, first we get, I think the director forgot about us length blackout,

but then we get him talking to Sierra on the phone, and this is where we have to establish that he's quit the preaching life, and also they seem desperately trying to write Sierra and Michael out of the script here too. Because Michael got killed Apparently, yeah, he's going like after what happened to Tina and Michael. I'll never do it again Sierra like what happened to Michael?

We got shot by Border Patrol Send him back to Slovakia or whatever work these are says only one crazy Christian movie you making second movie Okay, and I work in salt mine instead sounds more pleasant Would like to not repel with strong for Tragic repelling accident in Chilean coal mine pelling accident in chalene coal mine i love it i just we could spend the rest of this time just you know hypothesizing on what happened to michael it be way better than this there's your hashtag for this week hashtag what happened to michael yeah right

but anyway president you gov is the world president and he's the antichrist and and then there was no religion so there was even less morals and things went from bad the worst and him and his friends went into hiding and they're off the grid That's the voiceover that we yeah, yeah We went into hiding no identity lived off the grid. Oh hold on. That's my cell phone Well, that is one of many phones that will get pointed to as Well, that is one of many phones that will get pointed to as untraceable or Untrackable and I'm like really an untrackable cell phone. You know what we call that a block of plastic

It doesn't alert any cell towers what I'm near what he also describes his crew as I taught them to fly now I looked at up that is something that people actually say about poor car and in that case go fuck yourself but i do want to point out that i talk them to fly is the funniest line in this movie so far you know that but but so far no we do get the best line in the history of christian cinema later on in this movie though so i got a lot to tease you with here so in the meantime we get the title screen bleep rise of the beast blood blah blah blah and apparently now we're back in shane's apartment where his family of people who fly are cooking rice and apples yeah uh yeah apparently when you're off the grid you just go ahead and grow apple trees and

rice paddies and your tiny apartment he comes in and goes what's for dinner and she goes rice and apples and my notes are like together yeah what and this is the first time that we learn that all the sound effects in this movie are going to be overwhelmingly loud this will happen over and over again. She's cooking. So we hear this sizzling sound. It's just drowning out all the audio. Um, because otherwise we wouldn't get cooking. Right. But this is where we meet the crew. Now, good luck figured out these people's names. I had to go to the credits to do it. But this is the crew here. I'm just going to give you the names up front. Again, a service we provide. First, you've got James, who is the dorky kid who says he's done

acid before, but then you find out he hasn't. You're stuck baby sitting them all goddamn night. He's a half a man from two and a half men. That guy. That's the guy. Yeah, exactly. Perfect. At the end of Heather's, it had turned out that he had just been jerking off into a sock underneath the gym. That's who plays that character Instead of the bomb just imagine just a sock full of cumb that's that character right there Sock full of cumb in car Nate his name is James and then you've got Courtney who is the little blonde girl that I swore was 18 year on her She knew her way around a dick my question is was 18 year-honour. She knew her way around a dick. Here's my question. Is Courtney the Courtney from the last movie when he said

teen pregnancy and the camera just shifted to that girl and then shifted away again? That's what I thought it was. Yeah, pretty sure. Definitely. I had her down as one broke girl. Like a poor man's one broke girl if that's possible. Yeah. And then of course, and I saved the best for last year, there's also Teresa, whose one broke girl. Like a poor man's one broke girl if that's possible. Yeah. And then of course, and I saved the best for last year, there's also Teresa, whose name I don't think ever gets mentioned in the movie. I figured her out by process of elimination. Oh, wow.

Okay. Yeah, I had no idea. Yeah, that's Teresa. And she looks like Mallory Knox switched to an all-carb diet after natural born killers, but somehow never aged. And so of course he's telling the crew about this other Tresu that he met while he was out beaten up cops. And throughout this movie they will pronounce the word Tresu as Tresu.

Yeah. Yeah. Right into another Tresu. Not one of the usual Tresu. Yes. And he's explaining to his crew. right into another tracer not one of the usual tracer yes and he's explaining to his crew is like you have to murder some cops today um...

they're like oh why would you do well i had no choice uh... they were gonna murder a kid i i i'm guessing he's fine he's fine but it really felt like they were gonna murder him with mace and so i killed them right why and then they talk about how there've been more and more free runners lately because apparently in the Post-apocalyptic Police state the way that people will get around is Now that the government watches everything we need to jump from wall to wall. Yeah, exactly

That's the key now and honestly, I didn't think there could ever be anything better in the background of this apartment than the size on the wall, which are still there, by the way. But the whiteboard behind them full of Glen Beck brain vomit is amazing. I kept just stopping and staring at it

and thinking to myself, to Chris Temple, this whole means something. Yeah, this is like, they woke up Alex Jones and they were like, hey buddy, write down your dreams. We needed for the set for our movie. Hahaha. So now this is, so they go into the store and this is where we're gonna meet Olya.

Olya is the chick from the first movie that shot Tina. It's the same actress, actress, I'm using that in air quotes. It's the same girl that played that character, but now she's a completely different character named Olya who has nothing to do with shooting Tina in the first movie. This will become more bizarre, of course, later in the film for reasons that will explain, but for now it's just, this is it. We're gonna pretend like this is a different girl. Yeah, they clearly forgot which character she played last one. And in fairness though, there's no way to check on IMDB for that.

That's not people to find out. And to clarify, the L-director did clarify in the YouTube comments of this movie, because the very first comment on this video on YouTube is, why did you use the different actress for Crystal in this movie? Seems odd, and then he commented, she was gone when we filmed the part of Crystal, but she still wanted to be in the movie, and I needed people to be in it. So I pulled a Sergio Leone and cast her as a different role.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Fuck you! Pull the William Shakespeare. Yeah, I'm Paul the... You Pull the William Shakespeare Shakespeare you pull the Shakespeare video If Sergio Leone kills the guy who directed and made and wrote and danced this movie we all are gonna murder on the Orient Express it Yes, we were all in surgery all the on and someone killed Chris oh shit yeah so anyway so this this is holy is she owns the store and apparently she's down with the leap crew and what not

um and and she's like you know she knows too that the anti christis president you got for whatever that's what we're learning uh... in this is because grocery store clerks they're really the ground floor when it comes to universal conspiracies oh yeah they know it's no and not they talk to so many interesting people you see but uh... there's actually a little bit of doubt between all of them about this whole uh... conspiracy um... fat suit monica geller but Teresa was a name yeah i'm sure he's not she's like well what if uh...

just just roll with me on this this is i know sounds crazy but what if bon kimon isn't the anti christ i feel like that would ruin our whole thing and jangles literally these are exact words how could he not be how how could he not be a price could he not be? He's not in a press. Stop interrupting. I thought you had a great personality. I was going to have great. And of course this is also the point where we learn that the radio stations, all the radio stations have started playing Hebrew prayers. Right. Which she doesn't understand. So they come

in the store and they're listening to it for like six minutes and they're like, hey, what's that? And she's like, I don't know. I just like the sound and it's like you just like the like a dog Like you put music on so the dog doesn't freak out while you're gone. Is that what I'm saying? She would be? Because I got to tell you if I turned on the radio and it was just Hebrew I'd be like, hmm, speak that language and I turn it the fuck off again right right so all the radio stations in the world are playing Hebrew but but everyone's listening to them still yeah very very odd so then they buy their food and as they're checking out she goes well that be cash or chip and they all go like do not joke about the chip and she's like okay just just trying to make a joke. I'll shoot you right in your fucking face like I did Tina, or sift, I don't know, whatever.

And of course, before they leave, Shane has to say to her like, hey, if you hear anything, leave me a message at drop point two. And she's like, or just wait until you need bread again, dude, we're talking right now. You will. We're texting you, because we have phones. We have phones and there's what's in there.

No one has indicated that they're tapped. It's so ridiculous. You might as well be using a voice modulator to talk with the other good guys right now. I'm sorry. Why are you talking like, why aren't you guys talking like this? Why are you entering your modulators? Idiot.

And then of course we get a par-coring, which is just running and not having any obstacles in the way to drop point two if I had to guess. Music note here, Dracula's castle. Right. So apparently he got a message from Olya at drop point two and when he gets back to the apartment fat Juliet Lewis is just baffled by the radio listening to the Hebrew and going like how could the radio broadcast Hebrew now look we're not on movie three yet but I have a theory and it doesn't play out in this film

but I have a theory I have a theory that the people who are broadcasting the Hebrew are gonna turn out to be the fire breathing Jews. They kind of have to. Yes. Yes. It's fantastic. Yeah. Absolutely. And I love to, because like she says at this point, she's like, it sounds like Hebrew or something. I'm like, they said Baruchatah and I, Al-Henu Malek, I live for fuck's sake. You're supposed to be the experts here. I'm a god damn atheist! Is the candlelighting prayer! Either it's Hebrew or someone's been choking in a sound booth for the last three days. Yeah!

Yeah! There's literally a Passover Sater on every radio channel. Yeah. Awesome. Bless those bitter herbs. Yes. Oh! And also, I want to point this out to just to give you an idea how ridiculous and poorly thought through this is so he got this message from

Olya for a drop point to the Adiruntu and now he's got to decode the message and when he does all it says is something that James then goes on to the internet to confirm so she encoded a message and dropped it for like publicly available information a message and drop them for like publicly available information. Apparently here, according to this coded message, bigbootysluts.com has the hottest and where it is on the net. James, check on that. Confirm, confirm friend. Excellent. And then, yeah, so James, Kelso with rabies goes, uh, and checks the news on literally

it's vnn.com. Yeah. And it looks a lot like a word document. It doesn't. Yeah. Just like a word dot. So strange. And the, we learn that the Vatican is instituting a universal faith. Yeah. The Bible is out. And this is an actual line. Many people messaged me and tweeted at me to make sure that I included this. And actual line. I know what line it is. To describe how terrible this universal faith is, is quote, they're even allowing gays and women to preach to the congregations said the good guys in this movie about the bad guys. Because we as the viewers are supposed to be like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, basically the girls contribution is, well, no wonder they passed this.

The whole world will go along with that. Yeah, right. Everybody but us thinks that's moral. What does that say about you guys? You know that thing about how if you walk out of your house and everyone you meet an asshole, everyone you meet an asshole. everyone you meet an asshole. It's true. And then in this line almost gets lost in the shadow of that gay bashing woman bashing

line, but they also go like, why would the Vatican toss out the Bible to it? Shane says maybe they never used it to begin with. Bum bum bum. Yeah, and I'm pretty sure the first draft of this said, he was like, I was thinking we should murder all the Catholics. God, God, God. You're not going to get the rewrite script. So it was the subtext of your line.

Subtext of your line. No, no, you asked me your motivation, not your line. So here's my question. If he thinks the Catholics haven't been using the Bible, what does he think they've been using? Like a fucking old car mechanic manual, just like, fucking how to repair your Sony 2530 VCR slash DVD player. Press record to set the time. And then we get to knock out the Bible reading montage square on Christian

movie bingo nice and early. Because apparently now a shame is learning for the first time apparently that the anti christ has a hype man. And my music note is is that Molly kicking in for you guys yet. My music my music note was Tom Clancy splinter cell. Tell the rave DJ to vamp. Oh, that's what he always does. Perfect. Perfect. Great. He's only got the one mood. So this is where they established that the beast isn't actually the antichrist. The antichrist is one guy. The beast is a country. And the Vatican is also a country. Therefore, and look, here's the thing.

There is no goddamn question that the book of Revelation is talking about Rome as the beast. When it talks about the seven crowns, the seven hills, et cetera, et cetera, it's very clearly talking about Rome. So this is correct. It's not talking about a future event though. That's the problem.

Yeah, it's talking about the Rome at the time. Yes, yes. It's just a revolution book. Today it'd be like, hey, fuck those guys. Fuck, Rome lives next door. And my right French. I'm not saying the French. I'm saying people eat bread and cheese and don't know how to defend themselves during terrorist attacks That's all I'm saying

Too soon. Wow. We're mad about other stuff now. I'm allowed to make that joke That's the rule when we're mad about a new thing. I get to make jokes about the thing from the last thing Exactly right right. No, that's I'm with you, I'm with you. Luckily, most of our audience uses that rule too. So, and then we also learn in this, and this is so fucking awesome. This is so crazy guy handed you a pamphlet and you read it because you had nothing else to do.

We learned that one of the 900 or so titles that the Pope uses, this is his words, adds up to 666 if you add it up in Roman numerals. What the fuck does added up in Roman numerals even mean? Yeah, and what was the name? Vicarious Philly Day. It's a something like that. Yeah. Okay, well a bunch of those letters aren't even Roman numerals. So you can't just add them up even if that did sort of make sense and The ones that are Roman numerals add up to 661 so

Because the F is a five The F is a five just F for five and Because it would be that's. If the F is a five, they got it right. I solved the puzzle. I solved the puzzle. And I want to point out, we should take a moment. This is super fun and crazy. But remember, when people wrote L-director,

which is what this person chose to call themselves not as an afterlife punishment, and we're like, hey, man, your movie is terrible. You should take your own life and the life of everyone who was in this movie. He was like, hey, super psyched at atheists are watching my movie. You should check out the next one. The theology is pretty mind blowing.

Something you've probably never heard before. And since the Catholic church had power, there's been a crazy guy going, they're the devil. They're the devil. Now, right now to be fair Anyone who owns more than three mules throughout history someone is pointed it and gone that guy's probably the devil Yeah, exactly, but yes exactly. It's Catholic bashing. It's the oldest American religious tradition Right, and then we get a bunch of seventh day Adventism crazy bullshit about how Saturday is the is the actual Sabbath. And yes, of course, it is or whatever. And so

that means the Vatican is a whore. Apparently, he goes, haven't you heard about the mother of Harlet's and again, the camera pans over to Courtney. I don't think he did it on purpose, but there is an inside joke that every time someone mentions anything, Hori, throughout both of these movies, it flashes over to Courtney, and you know the director was like, Courtney, and then just flash back again. Courtney and him almost kissed right before the filming of the first movie, and he just hasn't been able to get over it ever since.

That's okay. I'm sure. So meanwhile, like, okay, so we've still got this radio broadcast. People are still listening to random Hebrew being shouted at them on the radio, because, you know, it's so awesome. And now we get this moment where it suddenly turns to English, right? And we get that at the apartment and we get at the store. So it's going to change at the store with Olya and all the other guys are still at the apartment. And they all here suddenly turn to English. And we get that at the apartment and we get at the store so it's a shame that the store with Olya and all the other guys are still at the apartment

And they all hear it suddenly turned to English and they act like this is some transcendent magical moment Now we know because we've watched a bunch of these that those are the fire breathing Jews They speak in Hebrew, but you can still understand them no matter what language or whatever We know that that's what happens But if everybody suddenly heard it switch to English they just'd just assume that the radio bat broadcast switched to English, right? Yeah. We're all magical babble fish all of a sudden at the same time, or he started talking in English on the radio.

Yeah, right. Exactly what I wrote. I wrote, who put a babble fish in my ear, guys? Come on, cut it out. Also, by the way, really quick, the English radio voice is very clearly Bryce Blankenogles I was gonna ask him about it's pronounced Blake Brackenakles black and slag And fanichin Slim black

Din-Din Bryce broken ankle Broken ankle, I worked pretty good for this movie too and this is also Where an advertisement to support their ministry pops up on the YouTube video. So good. It's a it's liminal advertising. Yeah. So clearly I wrote here I just donated $20 the FFRF first bite. $20 the FFRF for spite. So meanwhile in a building, we meet the bad guys. Okay, so this is very clearly like the unrented space that they could film in until the 15th.

Yeah. They walk in and there's just two like guys and suits going, this is perfect. We should set up this surveillance equipment here. You might guys, my dad got fired, but like technically he doesn't have to leave his office until the end of the month. You're right. Do you want to, do you want to shoot him there? Ha, ha, ha, ha. There's a bunch of like old bottles and stuff in there.

And that's part of the reason why he got fired, but like, he can use it. Ha, ha, ha, ha. It'll look really business-y though. There's a window behind it and everything. Also, I'm going to save everyone a ton of confusion. One of these characters is named Who the Fuck Knows. But the other characters' last name is Agent Kid.

He is Agent Kid, which means that the first character who's like in charge, and he looks like Bill Gates' slightly thinner, Nazi younger son, the characters in charge keeps turning to him and going listen to me kid do what I say kid But they're of the same age and they're both in their 40s So I spent the entire first half of this movie going why is he calling that man who is his age kid? Right, but much later we realized that that actually is his name. Now, the one character he didn't name, the guy who's not named kid, that's Mr. West, and he's been put in charge of all operations, and they're trying to figure out who is sending

that fire-breathing jukecast. And they're trying to hack into the mainframe to find out who it is that, like, is making the messages, and the actors and extras that they have who are trying to do the hacking in this scene could not have less of an idea how computers work. They're touching their screens for half of it. They're touching around the computer and wiping their face back and forth across the keyboard. It has little to nothing to do with how computers work. One guy's got solitary up and he's like, if I can get all the kings to the top, I think I'll hack the

jubid carbon dating evolution. So yeah, where there's two monkeys. So then we go back for some more talking about revelation in the apartment bullshit, where we learn that everybody but the seventh day Adventists are going to hell. We have some bird sounds in the background, drowning out the dialogue, and my music note is, Dracula is gonna fuck that chick. I hope we see some boob. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha in at the time is copy-bleaped on his shelf. Sure does. This week you can also very clearly see Big Daddy and step up to our age. So I think we should just start reviewing his DVD collection in order. Oh yeah.

Oh, on set episodes. Where is the step Christian movie that L director is currently working on? Oh my god. Where they can't do stuff at all and he's just like, I'm here to talk about Jesus. I will donate $4,000 in double his budget if he makes that. Yeah, I hear you can make a feature film for under $2,000. It turns out helps when you don't pay the actors. Also, I have in my notes at this point, 22 minutes, someone has jumped over a car singular. That is all the parkour in this movie so far. It's all they've given us. Yeah, exactly. So now we're going to

go to Olios store to talk about the plots of more. I guess she's going to shut down the store. Now that ship is the only way that people can buy stuff. And I got to say, there is so much room hiss in this because it was pausing to take notes and shit. When I turned it back on, I thought it was a drum roll. I thought there was a goddamn drum roll to what she was about to say. Or I'm like, nope, that's just the room noise. Wow. They cut over to James and he's just doing a drum roll. And they're like, James seriously right now. And he's like, sorry, I got a practice. Got a practice. I'm like, pipes really not fun. And this is also where Olya says about her parents they were

took in a year ago. They were took in a year ago. Tuckin. Tuckin. J.R.R. Tuckin. Someone watched that! Someone watched that in this movie. Look, there's a lot of stuff you can say about this movie. And I do, and I will, and I have. But anybody, no matter how bad their mythology, knows that Tuckin isn't a fucking word. Which means that they didn't, they had the, everyone was standing around when she said that and they're like you guys want to

Reisshoot that now now we've only got the sweet sweet DSLRs for another two hours and another zip disk to put it on so her parents were took in years ago so it's her story to do with what she will and this is where they have the idea that they should run around par core preaching again like they did in the first movie, but only if she can tape it and upload it to the web. Something like in me was so nonplussed by the fact that this guy refers to it in his script as tape it and upload it to the web. And this is where we learn that her phone can't be traced, and that's why she's going to be able to tape it and upload it to the web. Put it on the internet box.

And meanwhile, so we go back to the bad guys, and they've figured out what the radio broadcasts are, too. They figured out that it's scripture. And so they play them the translated message and apparently for some reason They've translated it into the voice of Stephen Hawking on helium. Yeah And when that comes up he goes someone get me the Vatican the Vatican sir someone immediately hands him a phone It's like a Leslie Nielsen bet like where's like an airplane bit. Yeah, yeah exactly It's like not as well immediately hand him the entire building of the Vatican

haha the Vatican what is it well it's the place in Rome inside the country and also a beast anti-Christ and don't call me Shirley yeah and then of course someone hacks into their network to upload a video to the web of Shane yelling at a very small crowd of people yeah yeah uh shane apparently hacked into the motel six wifi where the evil cia works today to show them the video he could just put on the internet i don't

what is happening fuck knows and the crowd here it's like he just started to yell at a mildly populated farmers market market. Like, if you ask me if these people were aware they were in a movie that was being shot, my first, second, and third answers would be no. Yeah, right, right. Exactly. But of course, someone from the crowd yells, who is this beast of which you speak in the yellow Vatican city? And then they have to run away.

No parkour, just four out of shape people running away from the camera. Well, they run away because, uh-oh, here comes David Smolly. Yeah! Okay, let's be real. If you watch this movie, it is David Smolly. I almost messaged David Smolly on Facebook and I was like, Hey, man, like, I don't want to be this guy, but. Where's he?

Yeah. Yeah. It's a little tall for smally, but yeah, yeah, no, he looked exactly like him It was will be where I got had that says secret agent and a big ride secret agent book it and then oh, it's amazing We got to watch fat suit Courtney Cox runaway It's beautiful just body parts flying in all directions. She looks like a like a weegee board plan shed with her different like Bad areas doing vector is showing it adds up to where she's going. It's so lovely Yeah, she looks like someone brought the sentence unused curves membership to life In a very good way so that they get home home and they're all excited after some good people yelling

and then James has to run, check the internet to see how their video is doing. And they're like, this is received literally hundreds of views and I'm like, oh my god. L-director couldn't stand the fact that no one has given a shit about any of the movies he's made. So what he had to have be a viral video was how many people watched the first leap. But that's what this director did. He was like, I mean, how many downloads does Leap have? 20, 30,000? Well then, I guess that's what going viral is.

Am I right me? High five. You earned a treat. No, I didn't. It's a good boy. Google AdSense. Perfect. And then another uncomfortably long blackout later and the bad guys have found the phone that was used to upload the video.

That untraceable phone. Well, they traced it. Right. And so like and I guess this is like middle of the night or whatever was supposed to get like a mr. West showing up And there's this ridiculously hilarious type of he type in the background. Oh my god My my note here is stop typing like a court stenographer. What is being accomplished there? They're like there's never a time when words per minute determines whether you can quote hack something What hack something that's right right what sculling he gets up to the into the office or whatever and he said finds out all we found the photos like give our op the green light

additional government words then we cut to our discount Jason born asset also a bus or a ruby Tuesdays if i'm not mistaken this guy looks like you poured monster energy drink into a witch's cauldron He rose out of it. He looks like Voldemort's rebellious son I would have a nose whether you like it or not. He looks like he asks cops. Oh, I thought this was America on a regular basis asks cops, oh, I thought this was America on a regular basis. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha it out with Olya at the closed down store where we learned that wow that's 20,000 hits on that video that's pretty much all the people right? We should topple the Vatican with our podcast as well as this.

And then topple a smaller religion too with the leftover. Yeah. Exactly. Did we could take out the Buddhist with a mini-sode? I've had some tweets go viral. I'm going to take down the James, that gunpost I did. So, and of course, we learned too that I guess other parkour ninja Christians were also impressed so much so that they're uploading their preaching videos as well. Oh, and feel free to make your own parkour preaching video and send it to us on our Facebook page

So we can share your parkour preaching with the world if you can shout at a real crowd bonus points We will blow up Tibet in a fiery explosion We won't we were not gonna we're not gonna blow up to that if Tibet gets too We were hanging out with Sergio Leon the entire time. Yeah, well, so that's locked in. So also, but and this is just a small little thing, but at the end of this scene they're like here have some food and they hand them like a bag of food and they're like thanks and I'm like you're standing in a store surrounded by food your store is shut down so you're

not selling this anymore and you just gave them a box of trisket. Fuck you. But they act like where did this food come from? And she goes, we still have a connection. And I'm like the shelves around shelves. There's the hook on you. Oh, it's exactly. So they walk out and Soul Patch Assassin is right across the street.

In plain fucking view. Yeah, he is three feet away from them with a sniper rifle or what they really want to look like. It's obviously dad's modified gun that they were like we'll put a scope on it It looks just like it. He's just in the middle of the street and just like all right But for some reason he doesn't shoot at him. Did they give it it to the explain why he doesn't just take the shot at this point I assume because every time he chokes someone to death instead his go teak rose an extra inch It's like Yeah, or possibly the crowded street of people might notice him if he fires at that point

So instead he lets them go and then he goes into the store to ask Olya if she can help them find these people on his phone. And she's like, I don't know him. And he's like, they just left the store. He's like, well, then why the fuck would you ask me where to find them, dude? Honestly. Well, he's trying to see if she's on their side.

Oh, I see, I got you. I got you. And then he single-handed chokes her to death. Yeah. While he's doing that, she texts, and she doesn't just call him, she texts Shane the word help. Yeah, exactly. Siri, text Shane help.

Next frame help, I fucking tell you. Siri, you're the worst. I'm getting an Android with Cortana. So he gets the text, they're walking away. He gets the text And of course just so this movie can be good in sexes. He's like girls go home The men folks have to take care of business. They're what I am fighting time. Yeah But they're too late they get back to this store and he has choked only a to death right before they walk in Single-handedly like single single one hand like a like Gary

Busy strangling someone in lethal weapon one yeah Like the bloody nine But they're too late. She's dead and so now it's time to kick some ass and this fight scene is the greatest fight scene in any Christian movie and possibly in any movie. It's like they watched a three-stugious fight scene or a Charlie Chaplin fight scene. They were like, that but super duper serious. Yeah. And in the future somehow.

Yeah. Because they literally, there is a moment where he puts a box on the guy's head and punches it. Yes. Like a clown. Yeah. Where's the put a church bell over his head and ring it really loud and then vibrates his body to death. There's also a scene that's literally like a joke slap fight.

Like if there's a moment where they're just like, not the face, not the face, not the face. So George Michael Bluth doing a Matrix Kung Fu video amazing. They throw stuff at each other? Yeah. There's a moment where they're just throwing chips at each other. It's like the fight scene in clerks. Yeah.

The idea is still stings. And then they close his arm in a fudge door, which breaks it. They have rubber stompers on them. And it turns as a good, you know torture method to like who he works for He's like fuck you and guy pushes the refrigerator door slightly more closed. He's like Awe on my arm So yeah, so he tells me he works for the congregation for the blah, blah, blah, the faith or whatever, Vatican, he's sounding words and then runs off and

gets hit by a truck very much off screen, you know, all the things sound effects. Yeah, no, he has more. Why was that purple paint on his face? Well, so they could put more purple paint on his face. That was so. maybe he actually got hit by a truck outside And they're like all right. Well, we can't cut so people and yeah, just yeah Got no reason for him to get hit by a car if it kills him It's like oh, that's why we can't interrogate him But he gets hit by a car and they come outside and he just sort of waddles away and they're like well, he's he's safe After he's he's safe after

This He actually gets killed and then it's just John Goodman for the right they cut to John Goodman for us to see him So yeah, so then they and then they walk around the counter to make sure that Olya is in fact dead and then the the movie I was the taste to cut away before they check out her tits and stuff. I thought that was that was a tasteful choice Because what do we do and I wrote my notes? We fucker, right? We fucker. We don't have to tell anyone about it later We'll just replace her with a different actress in the next movie And then meanwhile back at bad guy central op 1 hasn't checked in yet So so he gives the order to kill all the people on YouTube or something. Yeah, kill beauty pie. Just in case. Also, this is where they cut over

to like a Spanish lady and it's the lady from the news earlier. It is. It is. I had to double check the credits. Yes, she has listed both as news reporter and under bad guys. They really just have a list of like nine people under bad guys. So yeah, so now they have to go back to the apartment so he can tell the girls that Olya is dead. And also they have like this pansy-ass version of the giving yourself stitches scene, except for he's really just putting some Niasporn on his knuckles. Yeah, it's weirder. He obviously knew there was a scene where the hero like heals himself, but usually like tapes his ribs together and fucking gives himself surgery, digs that a bullet, but they were just like, okay, can I have some ice?

Ooh, ooh. Kind of things, nice things. So, and then of course we have to end with this with like, now we don't know who we can trust. And one of them says, don't know who we can trust and one of them says well We know we can trust God Should the fuck up Courtney? This is serious. This is a real parkour con who is in our parkour in real life I wanted so badly for the camera to pan over to God and him just to give everyone a thumbs up just like So now we cut to agent soul patch getting bitched out by his boss.

You know, he's like, uh, the guy who got hit by the truck earlier. Um, and Mr. West is like, well, tell me you at least eliminated them. And before the period in that sentence, he shoots and kills the guy with the gun upside down and backwards from behind his back on the trigger. Yeah. What? Upside down in backwards from behind his back on the trigger. Yeah, what yeah Apparently that gun fires the way a little girl holds a teacup at an imaginary tea party And so this is also by the way where we first learned that the uh that the characters name is getting We learned that because the bad guys have caught Luke

Who is that that parkour character from the opening scene that we haven't seen since? Cresty the clown son. Yeah, Cresty, Cresty, Jr. And they ask him, like, do you believe in God? And he's like, no, he's like, why not? Cause I like to fuck puppies. That's what atheists would say, right?

Yeah, because I wrote in my notes, no, because nobody's the boss of me. Especially since my dad left, and then he looks out the mirror. Dada, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, I left and then he looks out the mirror. I want an agent west to look out the other window and be like, how do I reach him? Reach him. So, and then they, of course, they find out that he doesn't have a chip so they could shoot him right then and there, but instead they want him to help them catch the parkour ninja badass.

Okay so wait there's this fucking amazing moment in the scene. So he offers him the deal right which is he's he pushes forward this folder so he's got the gun on the table and he's got the folder on the table. He pushes the folder towards the kid and he goes you've got a choice you can either take the deal or and then the actor forgets that he's not allowed to do this and starts to push the gun towards the character. So it's like either you can have this or you can have my gun. No, no. No. And then he told you to gun. And again stays in the movie. Stays in the movie. And we learn that basically it takes a tracer to catch a tracer. And this is where we cut to James who has triangulated the like thing and it's very clearly a second life map. It's very clearly a

video game map. There's no way. Yeah right right. the signal is coming from high rule castle. No, it's not it's not One second just two more turns So then we get Benedict Arnold walking around he's he gets a phone call from from Mr. West And and this is where he tells him that he'll find his instructions and I quote Under the marina. Yeah, what the fuck does that mean? A marina is an entire property.

Yeah. It's buried in the ground somewhere near the water. I have a theory. I think marina means doc to the people who wrote this movie. Well, apparently they think it means the little doc house that landed on the Wicked Witch and he finds her holding a middle envelope there. So that's how that works. So yes, but he's like, this is where he first realized it's Shane.

It's the guy that saved his life at the beginning of the movie and he just doesn't know if he can do that. So he calls the guy back, which makes you kind of wonder why there had to be an envelope tape to something it's like drop point to make no fucking sense. So and then he's like he's like I think we know some of the routes that they trade grab a pen he's like couldn't you have put that information in the envelope you should don't be a smart. There's also this moment where he's trying to like make sure that Luke's on side and he goes look and it's the weirdest line reading again if you watch these movies with us this

ones on you to you got to check it out leap rise of the beast his his line reading here is like are you coming to bed it uh... very clearly for us but that yeah so he tells them they uh... you know where they hang out which i guess is

on uh... either the north or south side of a bike rack So just be ready for either side all of that situation So yeah, but instead they go to the place where the wall is Any weights there for them because they're gonna climb over that wall eventually since there's so parkour and wall eventually since there's so parkour and watching the fat chick land from this wall is worth the rest of the movie if they could have done that in super slow I honestly would have given this guy a thumbs up on you to be fair though they did steal that shot from the Avengers when the Hulk lands on those robots so I feel like that's not really a thing. 100% credit. Courtney smash. Teresa smash.

So yeah, so they run into this guy just randomly and he wants to like learn more about parkour with them in Jesus. And Jesus and or and Jesus. He ain't going off course. Right, but they're not sure. So they're like, uh, he might also be a government's pie. Let's have a side bar, but we'll be standing right next to it Right, can you hear us? No cool Courtney's time pregnancy sense is tingling about him. She's like, oh

And then of course then they hear sirens in the background which could only mean one thing apparently their ambulance sirens But whatever so they start running away and this is honestly again It's almost worth the whole movie just for the zip-zop fat pants sound effect as they're running away My country's like You just hear her thighs warming up. It's amazing And then they climb this wall and then they get to the other side up. What's his name? Luke falls and breaks his ankle. Yeah. Uh huh. Uh because apparently that's all that happens in this movie series when someone doesn't make a jump. Is their ankle

just instantly snaps like a chicken like. Yeah. Teresa grabs it. And this is where we learn Teresa has miracle healing powers. Yes. She miracle heals his ankle with Prayer and they could not give less of a fuck about it. She touches it. He's fine and then just like, okay cool. Let's go Yeah, let's roll. It's like he dropped something. She's like, oh, you've got your wallet. He's like, oh, thanks Yeah, that was nice of you and And there's also a lot of weird, homo eroticism in this conversation where Shane starts feeling his legs and his hands and stuff like that. Yeah, he's like, how's your knee, man?

How's your knee? That's not my knee. Yeah, how's it? It feels like a tickle, right? I can already tell how your dick is. That's why I'm asking about your knee. So yeah, and they're like, how did she miracle my my leg back and they're like I don't know she never used magical healing magic before but now she's got that you know, late in the script that's the time to throw in magic powers.

Listen we have this ankle breaking sound we're gonna fucking use it but if it's not gonna affect the plot we need to give someone magic healing powers. And then it's time for his little allegory. Yeah, if you will. Where he's like, I'm here for the truth and he goes, I once heard a story about a kid who asked questions and his pastor almost drowned him. And then the pastor was like, the moment you want truth as badly as air,

you get the truth. Yes. A story, a lovely little story about water boarding a kid into Christianity. You can't handle the truth. Yes a story a lovely little story about waterboarding a kid into Christianity You can't handle the truth You did I order the code red damn right it up start a run movie Apparently the truth is what Muslim people tell us at Gitmo that's But the message here is of his little story as bad as it is since it includes like partially drowning a child The message behind it is almost as bad as we can show you the truth

But only if you've decided to believe it's true in advance Yeah, that's the message and then of course we have to cut back to bad guy room where they're monitoring Luke you know and and listening to him tell his ridiculous theories and one of the guys goes are we recording this and they got it Like oh, yeah shit. We're gonna want to make fun of this at the Christmas party aren't we fuck? Get on that to be fair. Heath had been their agent before then and he had forgotten to turn on the record Yeah, no, yeah, I didn't record on it was just and Yeah, so and this is also this is another one of those instances where like guy says insane fucking thing and instead of responding with are you fucking insane the the guy will say something like well no way

to minute doesn't the temple a Solomon have to be rebuilt before it can be the rapture near face need to get rebuilt moving on and then we get my favorite line of the movie. The greatest line ever. He's talking about the antichrist being the Vatican. And he's like, well, isn't the antichrist supposed to be a guy? And he's like, no, by temple they mean like Jesus and the church and people and stuff. And then he has one other clarifying question about the antichrist, which, and we all have it exactly. We just wrote it down.

None of us have commentary. It's just we wrote it down. It's what about Mormonism, Hitler, and all that other New Age garbage. It's the actual goddamn lot. You know, those three things. So, I'd fuck the new age garbage uh... and marry twenty more menses uh...

i'd fuck the mormons marry hitler and kill new age garbage kill new age car alright i like it i like it so now what he's doing with this line and we're supposed to just into it this is he's positing other antichrist that's what he's saying what about more than is a ms and that the antichrist what about Hitler wasn't he supposed to be the those are their examples of three other possible antichrist more menism Hitler and new age garbage you know genocide rakey same thing. Right rakey the third rakey. I feel like it's

it's almost like in this movie they realized at this point they're like you know the Catholics are going to be pissed it's like let's compare Mormonism to Hitler and so later on we can tell the Catholics look you didn't get the worst of it. And tarot cards. So then late that night Luke washes his face and then suddenly like like changes creepily appears behind him like staring into the bathroom where he's getting ready for bed. Apparently Luke says fly boy fly boy fly boy into the mirror. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He appears by me. He's like, oh, fuck you doing it. He's like, can't sleep. And he's like, yeah, me neither. And then he looks down again and he's gone. It's fucking insane. Are you not going to take a shit? Okay, I'm going to take a shit.

I was hoping you're doing something. I'm sorry. I'm kidding. Yeah, me neither. I also don't want to do that And I guess while you can still cling to the hopes that that's gonna be the most useless scene in the movie We'll pause for a well-earned and somewhat overdue break But before we do let me give act three the hard sell Will jupetto turn any of these actors into real boys? Well anyone jump over any damn thing already Well the casting make even less sense before this movie's over? Find out the answers to these questions and less when we return for the, we ran out of money at this point conclusion of, leap. Rise of the Beast. Hi, I'm Tony D, owner of Hitler, Mormons, and other new age garbage. And we gotta sail going

on so crazy! You'd have to think the Vatican was the 80 Christ to miss out on it. You want crystals? I got them. Kids in white shirts? I'm swimming in them. You want Hitler? I got so much Hitler! I don't know what to do with them. Listen to these satisfied customers. As an astral projecting Moroni Nazi, I need a place for one stop shopping. And thanks to Hitler, Mormons, and other New Age crap, I can sage my Austrian despots without missing out on a marshmallow square. Zagstony D. I love New Age garbage.

I have tarot cards and dousing rods galore, but now with my new budding collection of magic underwear I can take my crazy to a whole new level. Hitler Mormons and other new age garbage off Highway 11 by the gas and sip. Brought to you by the Spirit of these things are true? Oh, yeah sure What the fuck was that you see when you want knowledge Fuck you man, fuck you, fuck you right in the shit tits. I hope your dick gets cut open by razor wasps, you fucking county shitty ass fucker.

Oh, okay, so I was just trying to teach you a lesson. What lesson that I can breathe underwater, suck my dick? I hope a dog shits in your mouth while you sleep you come Cuzzling turn nugget fuck. Okay, okay that that's a fair Assessment but the point I was trying to make is that if you want knowledge You'll get it see I saw this in a movie what what is that even fucking mean you saw it in a movie? Oh, I'll cut it out. Stop. Stop. If you want knowledge, I'll get it. If I want a knowledge, I asked you and that's why I asked you you asshole But wanted to know how it felt to drown. I want to ask for that. Fuck you. Fuck your movie. Okay.

Gee, sorry. Who but be flies in your pee hole? And somehow none of us thought better of it during the break so we're back for more and we're gonna start off back in the Empartment talking about the fucking plot and just to give you an idea how bad it gets all right They're sitting around talking to this guy Luke from the beginning about the shit that's already happened in the movie Yeah, and this is where he says to him you're either in or you're out and I wrote the Eli Bosnick story I mean mostly out. Mostly out.

I'm all tip. I'm all tip. Of course then he has to ask him like, so how's your PK coming along so that we can get a PK training montage in the coming scene since they only have three days to train. Yeah. But before we get that, we have to go back to kid to the subordinate agent and he's talking to someone on the phone about something and my only note here is it's none of your damn business what the fuck is going on in this scene. That's

why they haven't told you. And by the way, the person on the other side of this call is getting at most half a syllable at a time If that's even possible, it's no space. Uh-huh. And what do you want for lunch? Got it a green cheese sandwich with bread and two pickles Leave me your lunch order on drop point two It's underneath the park it's underneath the park. Yeah. So then we got, and that is the most bizarrely useless thing in a sense it sets something up for later,

but not really. So now we come to this awesome parkour training. And again, there's been virtually no parkour. And when I say first, there's been one actual parkour moving. I want you people running, which again, is not park or just to clarify that is chasing all of Tom Cruise's movies are not park or movies right So but but you figure oh, they must be saving it up for this big scene right here Where they're gonna show some awesome shit? No, this is like he's trying to drag himself up onto a wall That's like two feet higher than his hands are.

Yeah, and it's like super duper basic parkour. It's like you see this? See this foot? See this foot right here? That's where you want to jump. Put it on that wall. He has to show them his foot. He's like, will you see this? He's like, yes, that's your foot. Exactly. No, apparently you want to hit that sweet spot. So he's like, yeah, hit the sweet spot and step up To the streets. I love that movie. Yeah, he too. Oh my god. We should make a mission step up So good. He really really should make a great step up Chris That could be leap three. Yeah, exactly. They're at least as good at step as they are at parkour So then of course Luke finally now that he knows to use his foot to push um climbs himself pulls himself clumsily up this wall and change like there you've got it and I'm like not really though it's

it's like that's like the you've got it when you're just sick of telling someone something right and this is where we get the the montage and the montage is uh sliding and running yep Climbing along a railing like a sexy cat. Okay. Now he's hitting a tight rail which would be parkour if he wasn't doing it on all fours That's like dropping in on the halfpipe with training wheels Driving on a halfpipe with your car. Just driving into a ditch. Yeah. And by the way, there's absolutely no reason to baseball slide at any time. If somebody, if somebody's chasing you, just keep running, unless the bad guys about to tag you with a baseball knife and you're running towards

them, which would also make no sense, you would not do that. Anything. Small thing. What if James Bond is teaching you and you got a slide underneath? Well, there's always that. Just over on the bag, it's first big. And then push-ups, the end of the montage is push-ups. No, the end of the montage is even worse than that. It's, first of all, it's an easier variation of push-ups. But also, yeah, I could actually do some of these push-ups

if not push-ups, if they're doing it. Right, right. But after that, at the very end, we see them shane literally slides down a banister on his ass. Like they put that in the park for training montage him sliding down a banister on his ass. Yeah, you might as well be going down a tabog and on his parents stairway in his house. Right. Exactly. I wanted the girl from the first Mormon movie who also slides down the banister to just come down after him and be like, yep, still not married. Wee! But of course, all this time, Luke is still getting orders from the bad guys. So he has to call

West to tell him that their next event is Friday at Riverfront Park. And he basically goes, do they trust you? And he's like, yeah, they do. And he goes, your deeds won't go unnoticed. You'll be taken care of if you know what I mean. Yeah. Wait, I'm going to murder you. Not if you know what I mean.

Just regular. Regularly. Regularly. Thank you. To which he responds. So again, this is a character who they will murder him or he can work for them and his response is the price has gone up I want 30,000 yeah 30,000 from you guys for you guys to not kill me negotiating that price I want 30,000 not killed

I want 30,000 not killed free. Yeah, exactly But we also see so he's he's having lunch. He's has some chips and some brats or something Well his lunch is the saddest short story His lunch is burned hot dogs and chips out of a bag. Yeah And I'm sure that's what Chris eats every night. So he's just like no, that's food right? That's what that's how people eat food. I mean, I assume, you know, it's not Thanksgiving, but I wanted to give him like a really nice meal. I'm sure that Luke's eating really well. Clearly from hospice meals on wheels.

You know, they don't know my grandma died three weeks ago, so I've just been cleaning up. And then we learn that there's a old-timey looney tunes bomb inside the fridge. It's practically fucking says, act me on the side. It's got a little BP light on it. And it's beeping. The goddamn thing is beeping because you know when you hide a bomb in somebody's apartment, you want a BP one. one yeah it might as well have a sign that says like press this plunger to open the fridge oh by the way this is your new inconspicuous fridge just a normal exactly exactly those are hot dogs with fuses

so there's a sign pointing to an axe with the words bird seed misspelled on it and he accidentally notices the dynamite tied to the anvil with the string attached to the clocking chicken before it blows up and runs out of the apartment. Now I have to ask you guys, do you think they really blew up an apartment for this scene? Because that was damn realistic. That was pretty fucking realistic. I think they bought that's not even an on-brand version of After Effects. It was like before Michael went back to Yugoslavia to work in the salt mines he was like,

here as a part in Gifted is called Wester FX. You can have explosion, the end of the sword, and the blinking white. Also makes character from last movie again 845 pass. We got that. Yeah, that was like, you crying in mecha sharp, blow it up, you're crying in mecha shark. Hey, have you seen Grinick took Chiracatak?

Oh, is huge action movie in Kurdistan right now. You need to check it out. It is pretty sweet. Anyways, this is the CD-ROM on which we kept all the special effects. I want you to have it now It is the goddamn worst shit you've ever seen so yes, so his apartment blows up the building is unharmed But this is giant explosion coming out of the stairwell and he jumps over there He calls me like hey, why'd you guys try to blow me up?

And they're like and mr. West actually goes like, oh shit my bad It's Dave. He's no. Oh, yeah It looks like we got the files wrong and he's like, okay, we're cool, but like be more careful Yeah, more careful and And then Shane preaches about the Vatican being the devil and everyone listens. So now here's my question and workshop is with me. If you were the villains in this movie and you're in charge of a secret police and you know where someone's going to be exactly and you want to catch and murder them, what do you think the best plan for catching them during their sermon is?

Well first you're going to want one guy only one guy Um does he need an outfit of any kind because I feel like we need to a scarf ninja mask I'd have him in a red silk ninja costume. Yeah, but not right away. I'd have him dress up into that at the scene of the thing Well, right right exactly exactly. And for safety's sake, we would obviously want to put him in knee pads. And elbow pads. And elbow pads. And of course, we would not want to give him any kind

of projectile weapon motorized vehicle or unmotorized vehicle to catch the runny people. That's because that would be cheating. I don't know. Right. And then he can go ahead and tile some floors right after that. So that's what we're doing.

Yeah. All right, so we're all on the same page. Yeah, so we do the way to go. So yes, fat ninja in me pads starts chasing them away. Now, okay, him and like Shane and Luke run off to gather in one direction. The other three run in another way another way

There's only one bad guy chasing anyone so three of them are just running for exercise Shane and Luke are running from the fat ninja with the knee pads and the three that are running away from nothing run into Christian nightclub Ron Howard running to cancerous Christian nightclub on Howard. And he says, you want to live? Follow me. Which I expect them to be like, well, you know, no, he's even chasing us. So, you know, maybe the guys who are in danger, you could go help them or so.

But no, they decide to follow him, past all this good parkour stuff that they don't use and my music note here by the way is This is the music that rubber aliens from 1950s movies fuck to yeah music note nightclub in hell right I had a cubart getting fucked very gently in the face by Captain Falcon But things got to be fun that to be oh yeah, oh yeah, oh, yeah, I have a quibbert doll. So Crazy billionaire money we make we just make a special art of blowjob with quibbert Another one. I think that would be profitable. I think yeah, exactly. We can turn a buck with that. It's in the special features of pixels So and then of course as they're running loot gets caught by the fat ninja and the special features of pixels. Oh, it's... Ha, ha, ha!

So, and then of course, as they're running, Luke gets caught by the fat ninja and the knee pads or whatever. So Shane has to go back and karate fight him. Yeah. And unfortunately, it's honestly, it's kind of a disappointing fight seen after the spectacular ones we've seen up to this point. But this is where Shane realizes that Luke is chipped and he's been a bad guy

all along and as he's getting that realization, Fat Ninja tackles him in noximal and conscious. Right, and the question becomes if they were going to fight, why did they run? One of the many questions, yeah. Yeah, I'm pretty sure the fighting audio before they did the ADR in this part was like stop too hard too hard But the the other three have gotten away so they they they are not doing parkour here They just run to a slightly different area of town apparently and then Cancerous Christian Ron Howard nightclub DJ goes you are safe now So we're gonna learn that this character was an angel Apart was a fucking angel. Yes, God was like hey, how should I dress my angel before I send it down to save these sassy teens?

I don't know. Let's go with ginger date rapist. All right, ginger date rapist send it down Some people like that look Don't be an asshole. Anyway, so yeah, but of course, Shane got caught, but the rest of them, including Luke, got away. Yeah. And then, of course, they realized that the video that Luke was supposed to just be pretending to take

actually got uploaded to the internet somehow. So it's time to bring in Luke once and for all. Right. Well they bring in Luke but first we're gonna cut to the jail cell scene. And the jail cell scene in this movie is everything I've ever wanted Christian cinema to be. Oh God. So first of all, like this is entirely green screened and it's green screened over like the dungeon wall you where you expect like skeletons to be shackled up to it or something like that in the background. Yeah, this is like a 60 ride at the mall. Yeah, right. Exactly. Exactly. And that is the least bizarrely stupid thing about this scene is the green screening Yeah, so they get him into the green screen prison cell with like the fake skeletons of back

We expect scorpion to upper cut someone into spikes behind him and then someone walks into the scene and We're supposed to believe that's crystal from the first movie the girl did the character that was played by the actress that played Olya in this one they have now recast that character with a different actress despite having this actress at their disposal yes yes right because if you remember he's pulling a steven spielberg yes

well i didn't realize that's what was happening at this point i didn't see the documentary so my note here is uh... i guess this actress didn't have the chops to play only i have a what the fuck are they doing it was too big to strangle the death he would have needed three hands that's you she walks in and and chains like uh crystal and she's like no not not crystal uh i'm about 200 pounds heavier than the the flashback we're showing on the screen right it doesn't matter i'm reverse

Sarah chalk remember remember it goes in it's like the opposite of that yeah and she is a big and um but they actually did reshoot some of the scenes from the first movie so that they could do the flashback and have this Extraordinary overweight girl in the part that crystal was in but not the parkour scenes No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no I'll do a chaser if that's what you're doing. Yeah, no, she is early on set, diabetes fat, not just a little fat here. She's mobility scooter fat. Now, the baby and the egg are bomb with gravy dropped in. Now of course, if you recall, the last time we saw the character that this overweight woman is supposed to be now playing, she was murdering their friend Tina.

So they have to try to write that out of the script now. Yeah. Oh yeah, no, that wasn't me. That was my partner that shot Tina. It's like, well, even if it was, and it wasn't, because we saw it, but... We watched the movie. We are one of the four humans that watched the movie. four humans that watch the movie. Yeah, well, but beyond that, it's like even if you didn't actually pull the trigger when you kidnapped me and my friends and started waving guns at us for believing in Jesus, I don't know that I'm ready to forgive. Yeah, but Shane is because of that time she touched him through the pants at hot topics.

It's fucking insane. Yeah, it really is. I don't think we could possibly do justice to just how bizarre and weird this Turn of events as so she basically goes you gotta believe me Shane. He's like I believe you instantly Yeah, but that's fine He's always forgiven and she goes she goes look look no chips and she shows him her fucking Ham-hawk wrists and she's like she no chips and he's like oh my god I've never seen someone's wrist jiggle and she's like yeah, ham-hawk wrists. And she's like, she's like, she's no chips. And he's like, oh my God. I've never seen someone's wrists jiggle,

and she's like, yeah, it's weird, right? And then, and then there's this weird joke moment in this scene, she goes, yeah, he goes, what are they gonna do to us in here? And she goes, they'll probably ask you to renounce God, but that won't bother you. Remember that? Remember when I held the gun to your head,

asked you to renounce God. Too soon. I'm a funny murderer. Remember that? Remember when I held the gun to your head, asked you to announce God. Too soon. I'm a funny murderer. Oh, funny murderer. But seriously, it might be for reals. This is a real moment where you ever run into your crazy accent, she tries to bring up the good times and you're like, yeah, I remember, you tried to stab me that night.

She's like, yeah, but like that party was fun. Yeah, remember the strip monopoly? That was awesome. It was a really good dip. So it is. So, and now the door to their prison cell magically opens and they run off and just to give you an idea because she's like, do you still trace

and she's like, I can keep up. And to give you an idea, this chick is so fat that the little hallway, they have to go through it sideways. She can't go one leg in front of the other in the hallway that they're in and I want to point out a couple of things before people messaged us with the like you know I usually like it when you make Down syndrome jokes but these fat jokes were too far I was throw something out there okay it's not that she's fat it's that they replaced the thinnest actress in the series

with the fattest actress in the series with the fattest actress in the series. If they had put me in a wig in this movie, we'd all be like, that's weird. That guy looks like two marshmallows that were in a microwave for exactly three seconds. Why would you think I'd think that's the same character? That is the same, that is the emotions we went through watching this movie. Yes. And, leap three, no wonder leap 3 hasn't gotten made yet, they're probably still waiting for this

actress to vault over a railing somewhere. I was like, okay, take 7,964, 62, go ahead, give it a shot. No, she burst through it again guys, we need a new railing. Okay, try it this need a new railing. Okay, try it this time without saying Hulk smash. Just use your one good, I know you lost the other foot to diabetes, but use your left foot to jump.

I feel like the sweet spot will be on your left foot because you don't have a right foot. You're so brave. Shit. So now, meanwhile, we gotta go back to the bad guy who they've they've now brought Luke in I Love this scene. Oh, it's so great. So he basically says oh, I see you've been sucked into their little cult Where's the apartment and he's like oh one two three parkour drive and he's like oh? That's pretty easy and then this is exactly what happened. He takes his gun, puts it in front of Luke, goes, you know how I came across this weapon, and then shoots Luke in the head with a surprise tiny gun.

What was cut from this movie? Was there a scene where like Agent West was in training and his instructor goes, Agent West, I don't ever want to see you shoot a gun the way a human being does. Here's a gun, he's a gun that comes out of your foot, he's a gun that holds upside down, and finally when you need it, he is the penis gun. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, yeah, stabs him through the head with a flag that says bang. And then they pan out to, there's a guard right there. Like five feet away in the same room. And he's like, I'm not gonna clean that up. Could you clean this up?

Oh, shit, I was about to ask if you could clean this up. No, I was a tiny note about the guard, but it's fucking amazing. The guard obviously wore a hat with a brand on it. So they had to blur it out. So just in the middle of this shot, there's a guy with just a blurry hat. Yes, because it said CIA or something and they couldn't use the logo. Didn't know it when they shot. That's amazing. So yeah, all right. So meanwhile,

Shane is showing up at the apartment with white precious because they've broken out a prison out. And I should point out I come from a garbage town in upstate New York. So this is not the first time in my life. A thin white guy has walked in with a giant fat wiker. I'm been like, this is my ex, no big deal. And everyone's just had to be like, hey, what's going on? Guess we're going to have to share the meth. But they're throwing some pretty major shade because they're like, oh, I'm sorry. I don't

know you. Teresa goes, I don't know you. Just your reputation. And Shane's like, hey, she said she didn't do it to which Courtney's like, dude, we watched the first movie. She totally did it. No, O'Leah did it. Wait. Yeah. This is very confusing. Let's pop in the DVD of this movie. Let's settle this one for all. It's right here on my DVD collection. Do you own Leap 2? We could check. What we're gonna say next. So of course now we cut back to the bad guys where kid finds out that West killed Luke and he doesn't think he should have and then the computer guy finds some computer guy by the way only

speaks through my right headphone. That was awfully weird. And then we cut back to the apartment where they're all sitting around. And now we're once again gonna have a scene where they sit around and tell Crystal now about all the stuff that's happened in the movie that they just told Luke about when he was in this exact same scene. But they're like a couple now, which I gotta point out, they met 20 seconds ago, he thought she was a murderer,

and she's like, hey, babe, why don't you catch me up on stuff? And I gotta say, this was just, I was having like PTSD flashbacks to growing up in upstate New York, which is like, oh, so you guys are just back together now? Like, I'm getting out all my teenage angst and like, oh, really, Josh and Becca, I just want you guys have a screaming fight She punched you in the balls you threw up on my rug, which I had to clean up. You were too fucking drunk

And now you guys are just back together who's supposed to act like it's not a big deal. Oh, I'm a drama queen You get out of my house. I'm getting out of my house So you didn't kill Gina so yeah, so and also of course Seemingly not that fat chick at this point, Teresa, you know, now that you've got Crystal to compare her to says, Hey, wasn't your ankle injured in the last movie? Because I magically heal ankles, it's my superpower. Yeah, and she's like, here, look, and she pulls up her pant leg and she's just got like a strip of play-doh on her ankle.

And she touches it and then the play-doh's gone. And she's like, like see she's like whatever Shane bought me a chocolate diamond for my birthday a chocolate diamond I brought my own bag of meth But I love twos is like you know, you Shane is like see she just cured wrinkle with Jesus magic now You should believe in God and everything and I'm like oh, but fucking with Luke asks he gets the drowning the child's story about waterboarding people into believe He will get magic heal somebody for his ass anyway, and then she cries She cries like she made it to old country buffet just after it closed

And this is the this actually was very uncomfortable for me because she does this like crying on his anything and was very uncomfortable for me because she does this like crying on his anything and Shane just like puts his hand on the back of her head and is very clearly like trying to turn this I've like to turn to Jesus into a blowjob like he's very clearly like oh yeah you know what tears make the best you're saying or snot if you want to cry a little I really let it out. And all I had, the only notes I had on this was I appreciate the soundtrack nearly drowning out this dumbass dialogue. So yeah, so she turns Christian and then suddenly Courtney has a magical vision of armed men breaking into their apartment. So now they're persecuted Ninja Park

for Christian genis. Yeah, armed men, I saw some dailies and armed men in the next scene. Let's go. I'm super excited to find out what crystal quote-unquote's power is going to be. Yeah, right. You'd be able to like smell stuff like bugs money or something like that Yeah, so so they all run away, but not like a cool stylish parkory way or anything. They just run away all fat and stupid Right so the bad guys show up they kick in the door They don't even kick in the door because they use that shot already the guys show up at the apartment And he radios and he's like they're not here and agent west goes find them and then he turns to everyone goes oh guys find them. What the fuck in plan. Oh, oh, oh find them. And can we

talk about the way these bad guys are dressed too. Oh, yeah, well for one There's three of them that bust in One of them is wearing a gas mask One of the three that has a gas mask What were they envisioning was gonna happen where one of it would be useful only one half the apartment is gas But the other half is a third And then so Shane and the teenagers are run run running running. He says, give me your shirts. So they take off their shirts. He goes, let me, he's going to break into this car. And what they do is he wraps the shirts around his hand. He pulls his fist back. There's a very obvious cut. Then the window is rolled down. And the noise goes. So he punches out

the glass. They cut to Street Fighter 2 bonus round for a couple of seconds And then they're driving away. Yeah, yes, and of course this is also where we get a kid murdering West with his gun So basically what happens is West walks in the room and agent kid is giving orders and he goes who died and put you in charge and then west agent kid shoots west in the head and goes you and i wrote my notes prank war it's so ridiculous how many people just get shot at the face in this bit the secret police team is like a yo samemite Sam Cartoon. It makes content. It makes content. It makes content.

It makes content. It makes content. It makes content. It makes content. It makes content. It makes content. It makes content. It makes content.

It makes content. It makes content. It makes content. It makes content. It makes content. It makes content. It makes content. It makes content.

It makes content. It makes content. It makes content. It makes content. It makes content. It makes content. It makes content. to walk all the way up a goddamn mountain. But luckily eventually they run into a hiker so this scene can have a purpose. Well they run into the hiker and the hiker is like, my name is Wolf and Chris was like, Fag. He's like, don't. No, no, I'm flyboy. It's cool. So yeah, I mean, my freestyle hiking name, what's freestyle hiking? Oh, it's mostly just like up and down stuff. Yeah, a little bit of left and right here and there. I think crazy.

Up and down. Walking. So yeah, and he's like, what do you guys do in here in the mountains? He's like, we're gonna go on the top of the mountain. See if there's any fire breathing Jews up there. Living a broadcast. He's like, no, there's not a check. There's no fire breathing Jews there.

And that apparently is the cliffhanger ending. The cliffhanger ending is nope, there's not at the top of that mountain. You're in the wrong place. Oh darn. It looks like we'll have to go elsewhere and then credits. Well, because the movie ends like you're mom walking into your room while you're smoking pot. Just like, oh, oh, hey, mom, what's going on?

Just burn in some incense. He's a new glass incense thing. You put water in the bottom and it's a it's a bomb. Just burning some incense. This is a new glass incense thing. You put water in the bottom and it's a bomb. It's a bomb I'm doing drugs. To be continued. My experience with my mom's a lot different. Anyway, where's my money, Heath? Where's my money?

Yeah. Yeah. That was my eighth, whatever mom. I left it out. You were gone for like two days. So. And just a very quick note on the credits here too. They had eight people listed as stunt performers.

I dare you to point to eight stunts in that film. Guys, that's not cool. One of them died when Teresa sat on it. Oh, well, there's, I see. And I wanted to point out this too. So in the preview for the last one that opened the first movie, the most impressive stunt they showed was the guy running that opened the first movie, the most impressive stunt they showed was the guy running over top of a car, not very impressive, but that never

happened in this fucking movie. Yeah, they cut the only interesting parkour, the whole thing. Yeah, apparently, they're saving it for leap three. Yeah, I guess. Now, so speaking of which, obviously mirror masterbader guy is shooting for a trilogy, or at least he's still shilling for the money to make the third one happen. So in closing, I simply want to ask you this, what would Chris Temple have to promise to put into the next movie before you'd be willing to donate to his Kickstarter? Ooh, Tina. That would be actually...

I will single-handedly fund this third movie as long as he promises to stop being so PC and just really go for it this time You know right really go for it. Don't hold back around I was gonna say Eli Bosnick and David AR White starring opposite each other just you know whispering the word Crasseur and to each other's ears for a couple hours Fun fact if me and David are white getting to that fly machine at the same time, what comes out the other end is Tina.

So we call all the same answer. It's a tie-in. And well, that's gonna do it for our review of Leap Rise of the Beast. That's not gonna do it for the episode just yet because we still need to channelize you at events and next week's show. So Eli, tell us what's on deck?

The accidental activist. It's the heartwarming tale of a small town business owner who accidentally signs a petition to keep marriage not gay. And then the gay mafia comes after him and his family. and he must decide whether or not to take a stand. Yes, we're watching our very first anti-gay marriage film. Now, this is not on YouTube. I should point out right away. It's not on YouTube. It's on their website and I'll post a link to it in the show notes. You can rent it for $3 and I know some people don't like to give money to these so you won't be able to watch it. But I've watched it already and it's pretty fucking amazing. It looks pretty amazing. Okay, just to give you an idea, the list of related

videos on the side on YouTube when I watched the preview were in order. Seven creepy internet mysteries we still don't understand. Tesla knew gravity was a hoax and Einstein was a shell and proof the moon landing never happened. And step up to the streets. That's all that too. So with that to look forward to, we'll bring up episode 47 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors

that helped make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among the ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com-slash-got-offal and thereby earn early access to every episode. You can also help us a ton by living as a five-star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating atheist and the skeptic crowd available on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email God awful movies at gmail.com All the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of evil giraffes on Mars and was used with permission

If you like we hear here more by following links on the show notes for this episode Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen right knee-liboznik I'm no illusions promise to work hard to earn another chunk next week until then we'll leave you with a breakfast club close we can tell then we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Group partner. Cigarettes. Brown. Oh, Japan.

The director returned that Canon DSLR camera to his buddy Steve because he needed it to tape a P.W. soccer game. Crystal continued to triple and wait every two years until she had consumed the Earth. Noah said evil giraffes on Mars all sarcastic and mean like and we wondered what Ryan slotnik did. Somebody emailed me and said they can never understand what I'm saying there so I will be sure. Tina's still dead. That's the important thing. Bound a whip, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom Sorry, what? You'll be taking care of.

Yeah, it sounded like you're going to kill me the way you said it. No, no, no! I'm just going to see that you get what you deserve. Believe me. Okay, well, I don't believe you at all. That's almost certainly you alluding to killing me. Exactly's exactly what it sounds. Are you going to kill me? Because I'm not going to do this thing if you are going to kill me that wouldn't make any sense. No, no, I'm totally I'm not going to kill you. I'm going to see that you are properly rewarded.

Um, okay. Once and for all. See, see, there it is again. Right there. The way you said, once and for all, I don't. I'm sorry. I don't, and nope, don't hear it. Look, just say, just say yes, you'll get your money. Okay, just, that's it. Say it normal. You'll get your money right to the back of the head. Okay, fuck this. I'm a good guy now. What? No, oh, oh, fuck. What not all? Oh! Fuck! I blew it! For the last time. Ooh, I did it to myself! Oh shit!