God Awful Movies - 471: Angels Fallen: Warriors of Peace

Episode Date: August 27, 2024

This week, Cara Santa Maria joins us for an atheist review of Angels Fallen: Warriors of Peace, the story of Christianity, but with more guns. And wrist control. --- Check out more from Cara on the Talk Nerdy podcast --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/

Hey, I'm Jillian. And I'm Patrick, and together we make the podcast True Crime Obsessed. If you love documentaries the way we love documentaries, you might be interested in our show because we recap all the documentaries that you're watching. We've covered just about every true crime case you can imagine. We're talking the hatchet-wielding hitchhiker, the Ted Bundy tapes. What else? The Turpent 13 with the amazing sisters who basically tell the story, the girl in the

picture. Yes. All the documentaries you love to talk about with your friends, we're your friends now. We're the friends you talk about that stuff with. Yeah. We're true crime obsessed podcasts, switch to us on Apple podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen.

We get our first example of wrist control. Oh, I see. Yeah. When Leia takes down the guy, she grabs him by the hand and she starts throwing him all over the place because she's got the wrist. Once you got the wrist, really, you can control the whole body. The entire motion of the body emanates from the wrist. I still don't see it.

I wasn't really watching. Yeah. The minute it's so, it's there's something in my brain. It's like a protective mechanism. But the minute that like a protective mechanism that like a fight scene breaks out all of my neurons are like don't be poisoned just look away Probably best Welcome back to the Gammcast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian Cinema because it's the only thing keeping the doors of Tharaxul sealed.

I'm your host, Noah Lutians, and sitting 700 miles to my immediate left is my good friend Heath Enright. Heath, welcome back. Cuba Gooding Jr. again. It's like a cubitacular. Yeah. The best. Cuba. He's so good. Yeah. It's like a cubitacular. Yeah. The best. Cuba.

He's so good. Yeah. Is it Cuba or Cuba? I've always said Cuba, but it sounds like his name is pronounced Cuba. I believe it's Cuba. I believe he pronounces it Cuba. I will try to do that. Hey, this is Noah from Later cutting in to say no, that's wrong.

It is definitely Cuba. My bad. Apologies in advance for the fact that we're going to mispronounce it about 306 more times during this record. And of course, as you've already heard, Eli's off again this week, but we're excited to welcome in his place guest masochistic extraordinaire and host of the Talk Nerdy podcast. That's Kara Santa Maria. Kara, welcome back.

Grumble, grumble. Yeah, right. Well, no, obviously, obviously. No, like we were saying before the record, like this is the absolute worst invite Kara on type movie, but. Oh, it's yeah. It's the, it's the equal and opposite of things that bring me joy. Right. Exactly.

So tell us. The opposite of that song from the musical about my favorite things. Yes, right. What is the, tell us Heath, what is the Newtonian opposite of Kara Santa Maria? Okay, I actually love this. We watched Angels Fallen, Warriors of Peace. So you, you're the opposite of Kara Santa Maria. Yeah, I just realized how that works. Yep. Dynamic duo. It's pretty fantastic, complimentary. It's the story of Zack Snyder's Man of Steel not being Christian enough. Yeah. And you know Zack Snyder having too much nuance.

They finally made one with a religious theme. There you go. I love that we we talked over you while you said the title and it's so insignificant you didn't even restate it. Doesn't matter. We watched Christian Christ to Jesus Christ. Jesus, warrior to beast. And Kara, how bad was this movie? Well... That was a great well. That was pretty solid. Thank you.

If you are a mediocre white man who has a hard on for his country and an even bigger hard on for Jesus, and if your own masculinity is so fragile, you avoid processing your emotions by getting into random bar fights, and if you get off watching other people stumble through escape rooms, and... Personally attacking me, Kara. ...you stockpile semi-automatic weapons because your paranoia has reached a fever pitch and you're preparing for the cul-de-sac apocalypse. You will love this movie.

Oh, God. The cul-de-sac apocalypse is an excellent phrase. Is that an existing thing that's known or is that just you describing? That is me describing this movie. Perfect. Absolutely perfect. As Heath was saying, I loved this movie at the beginning. I'd already read your description here and I'm like, oh, this is going to be...

This timing is so good on this. So, is there anything you want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Okay, for me, this was the best worst $4.99 I've ever spent. Yeah. Yes, I had to pay for this movie, so I need to know, A, where I submit my receipt, and B, how much interest you're putting on that. Oh, right. Yeah. No, no. We should have, Eli should have given you Julie's information by now.

Send me over your Bitcoin wallet and we'll send you. So I was going to go with best, worst, subtle biblical references. So, yeah, the subtle ones. Yeah, they knew names. Which ones do you mean? Because they were so subtle. Well, right, no, we'll point them out as you go, because you might miss them otherwise, but yeah, it's gonna nod to the book a little bit here and there as we go. Oh, the Christian Bible, the Bible of the Lord Jesus Christ and God. Got it. Yeah, okay, no, no, no, no, I'm thinking about it. They did do

that a little bit subtly. They referenced it. I was gonna go with best, worst weapons. Thank you. Worst, best weapons. Worst, worst, worst, silliest weapons of all time. The silliest combination of weapons too, yeah. It's amazing. I'm gonna say two words and leave it at that

until we get there. Knife gloves. They have those. They do? To fight demons. Knife gloves for demon fighting. It's just, why wouldn't you just have knives you can pick up and set down easily? They have those.

They're aware of that technology. Right, no, they do know about those. It's because his penis wants to be Wolverine. Yes. His whole move is Wolverine. He's got a whole bunch of knives. He's got a whole bunch of knives. He's got a whole bunch of knives.

He's got a whole bunch of knives. He's got a whole bunch of knives. He's got a whole bunch of knives. He's got a whole bunch of knives. He's got a whole bunch of knives. He's got a whole bunch of knives. He's got a whole bunch of knives. He's got a whole bunch of knives. He's got a whole bunch of knives. He's got They're aware of that. Right. No, they do know about them. It's because his penis wants to be Wolverine. Yes. This whole movie is just this writer and director's wet dream. It's so sad. Let's put it all on display. Boy, he is a man.

Don't get Denise Richards to do the knife gloves. Yeah. I guess. Doesn't do much anymore. All right. Well, everybody needs a minute to shift to the edge of their seat for this one. So we're going to take a quick break. But when we come back, we'll dive into all the cliches that are Angels Fallen. Warriors of Peace. Well, hello there, folks. I'm Donald James Parker. Now I've heard through the grapevine that apparently those guys from Godawful Movies

are coming to my hometown Nashville, Tennessee for a live show on December the 7th. And I'm here to tell you that you should not go. Those guys are just terrible. They say awful things about my movies. And I do not look like if a Q-tip could argue about a coupon? I don't even know what that means. So whatever you do, don't go to GodawfulMoviesLive.com for ticket information and definitely don't check out the VIP tickets for upfront seating and special mixers after the show or the Platinum Night tickets that can get you an intimate night of games and dinners the Friday before or the Iridium ticket that gets you an intimate night of games and dinner the Thursday before, or the new ticket-tacular that gets you three nights with the guys.

So once again, I implore you, do not go to Godawfulmovieslive.com for tickets to their show in Nashville on December the 7th. And despite what people might tell you, it does not make a great gift. Godawfulmovieslive.com. I bet Jesus will burn you in hell just for considering it. Hey guys, I want to introduce you to our new producer, Preston. Preston's dad is going to be fully funding our Christian movie. Oh, that's just swell. Fantastic.

Goll. We're all happy to have you here, Preston. Oh, well, that's well fantastic. Goal. We're all happy to have you here, Preston. Now, as I'm sure you know, the movie we want to make is about a veteran of the Iraq War whose struggle with PTSD brings him to God as he wrestles with the demons of his past sins. Everything about that sounded boring, except the part where he wrestled demons. Oh, that part's metaphorical.

No, I think you should definitely like really, really wrestle some demons. Sorry, you want the soldier with PTSD to literally wrestle demons? Like physical demons? Yes, yes. Well, and he's a soldier, so he would probably shoot some of the demons in the face, right? Well, that's not... Ooh! He could sword fight him with a laser sword. Okay, that does not sound very biblical.

Right, right, right, you're right. Okay, no, no, no, no, you know, totally. It should probably be a fire sword. Yes, fire sword, that's what we're doing. It's not better. Well, I mean, it's better. And the soldier could be like, pew, pew, pow! And the demon could be all like, oh, fuck, he fucking got me. Oh, we don't we don't usually use the F word in Christian movies.

Yeah. You know what else you don't use in Christian movies? Boobs. I think our Christian movie should have boobs. I'm going to go. Like in the in the sketch or like in real life? Why can't it be both? And we're back and we're gonna open up with a bunch of cheapity ass logos, one of which is just the fucking Salvation Army shield with a film strip wrapped around it. And then we're it's for four production logos.

I'm like, oh, bullshit. There's no way. Yeah, lots of companies were weirdly cool with having their name on this thing. And then we're it's for for production logos. I'm like, oh, bullshit. There's no way. Yeah. Lots of companies were weirdly cool with having their name on this thing. Right. Yeah, they didn't read through the script. Clearly. Then we find ourselves in Iraq in 2011.

So we're with a group of American soldiers that's being pinned down by a bunch of scary Brown people. And our main character, Gabe, seems to, he's the sergeant, he's in charge. He seems to sort of wake up mid gunfight here. He does that a lot. He does. Yeah, I think he was doing some,

just, you know, mindful breathing in the hot zone and then he's like ready to go. Sure, yeah. Well, you know, you want to be centered. But yeah, his guys are pinned down and one of his soldiers, this is Paul, is guarding a large group of blindfolded prisoners. Right. And he's getting a little antsy because there are people trying to come and rescue them. So that's not going to matter at all,

but it's going to come back. Nothing is ever going to fucking matter. So yeah. So the mid-gun fight, they come back, the sergeant comes in and he sees that Paul has killed all the prisoners he was guarding. And he says, Oh, they, you know, they were coming right at me boss or whatever. And he's like, Oh, well, you know, if they were coming right at you. Yep. Yeah. This is also where the bad guys show up with a rocket propelled grenade.

Oh, yep. And I'm like, why don't you lead with the rocket propelled grenade? Why do you have a certain number of bullets that you fire first? I don't get it. That's like every war movie scene ever. Yes. Yeah, exactly. Lots of what you have to, you know, just shoot wherever and then run somewhere and then shoot wherever and then run somewhere.

And then the big guns. And then you're allowed to use, you know, boss weapons. Right. Right. Okay. No, that's fair. That have been there the whole time. That's the yeah. And also, so the guys with the RPG, when they got the RPG, they know it's like big RPG time. So they all just walk out from cover like three dudes, one guy leading with the RPG. And there's one of our characters, this guy Trigger is just standing there

with a machine gun and he could just kill all three of them because he has a machine gun. And your name's Trigger is just standing there with a machine gun and he could just kill all three of them because he has a machine gun and they're not... Hey man, your name's Trigger, right? We called you that so you... Like, right now, this is Westworld. Exactly. But no, instead he just yells, RPG! And they shoot him with the RPG.

Now he will be fine. But he won't be... This is for me my first taste of the brilliant acting in this film when he's in the girl's hands and she goes, can you hear me? And he goes, what? So yes or? Yeah. And then so, and then we get Gabe, he's walking through the house to the other side and he

sees something. We don't know what he sees just yet, right? But he sees something and it and don't worry, we won't know for an hour and 45 minutes. And it won't fucking matter when we do it. It just might as well have shown it to us then. It'll be exactly what you think it was. Chekhov's nothing is what's happening right now. And then there's a gun that's happening that also doesn't matter separately at the same time. Right.

So he looks over, we see him look over and go, Oh no. And then a gunshot like fires to his back and the scene ends. He's waking up from a dream. Of course. Yeah. So he wakes up, he takes a fistful of Zoloft. Which can we take a moment to talk about how like Zoloft doesn't work like that? Like that's not how I'm I don't mean to correct you. I know you're an expert or whatever, but like

Handful of Zoloft. That's how it works. I'm pretty sure when's the last time you saw somebody just like having fun with their Zoloft It's not one of those drugs. You take your dose every day. That's how it works. More is not better. Yeah. No, he wakes up, he takes them out of his fucking Pez dispenser or whatever. You can't have like a negative amount of depression or PTSD if you take more? Nope.

That's not how it works. You can line up some rails of Zoloft and you're just like super happy. You can get serotonin syndrome and die. You could do that. Probably try to avoid that. Sounds bad. Not good. Yeah.

So, but then after he takes his Zoloft he hears this voice and it goes, Gabriel, your time has come. That's pretty good. Thank you. And he goes and he's like, well, what is that? I guess I should check that out without turning on any of the lights in that house. He's weirdly calm about it. Yeah, he doesn't do lights in his house ever. He's a dark house guy.

I get it. There are people like that though. I am a person like that. Yeah, my friend was staying with me this weekend. She just left this morning. She comes for work sometimes in LA. And I come downstairs this morning and she's making coffee in the dark. And I was like, you can't, there's light switches and just turn them oh yeah yeah I hear you across the room doing coffee stuff I'm turning this on I'm turning this on

lights are bad bad I don't like them so yeah but fuck photo thank you thank you somebody said that gotta keep the scene moody. So, yeah, so he comes into the living room and Kubo Gooding Jr.'s there drinking some wine. And Gabriel's like, hey, who are you? And I'm like, well, he's actually, like, really, one of only two actors in this movie. You don't have to ask that about fucking Kubo Gooding Jr.

You're so right. You might have to ask his pronunciation, but you don't have to ask who he is. And it's the best. He's just chewing the scenery here. He's just drinking the wine. He's asked who he is. He's a ghost, we're gonna find out. It's like, who are you? And he's like, mm, macadamia, flutter of walnut.

You have good taste in wine. It's weird. Okay. I thought he was talking about the scenery, right? Like, but no, he was, yeah. And it's weird too, because Gabriel is supposed to be this like Combat veteran with PTSD right who's like yeah, maybe psychotic Maybe not we don't know yet and there's an intruder in his home drinking his wine

And the only thing he's concerned about is that he was saving that for a Is that the 98? Fuck you. And also he goes like, he goes, you know, Gabriel, I, it's, it's time for you to come with me or whatever. And he goes, how do you know my name? And I'm like, he's in your fucking house, man. There's probably mail laying around.

That's such a weird thing for you to be freaking out about. Like that's so yeah. And he's like, I'm here to recruit you into God's army or's so yeah and he's like I'm here to recruit you into God's army or some shit and he's like I'm not ready for that at this point in the movie. He goes oh okay I'll be back later. Right and poof the ghost is gone. So like yeah God's plan was like give it a shot quick grab a little wine if it doesn, you know, we'll circle back in a few weeks and do the plan to save mankind from evil. Yep. That's it.

Yeah. That's the film. Yeah. So, okay. So now we cut to it's LA and it's the present day. So apparently that last scene was still in Iraq in 2011. I wrote that too. I was like, wait, this wasn't the present day?

Time traveling. He's got a good wine guy in Iraq. Yeah, clearly. Had a cool apartment and yeah. And combat PTSD while he's still in combat. Yeah, right. That's, that's in quick, I guess. Weirdness.

So, but Gabe is headed to work. He works at, you know, one of them filthy overalls jobs. And as he's headed to work, we meet this, his little neighbor girl that always wants him to come over for her tea party. It's weird too, because she's like 12. She is. She's way too fucking old. She's way too old to be doing a tea party in her front yard like that.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. She is. Judgy. Way too old. She's three times the age of the actress they should have. Lots of people like tea care.

No. Not good. So yeah, but pretend T is different. Yes, pretend. She's old enough to make her own tea. Right. So then we cut to like bodybuilders street fighting at a Nazi themed street fighting party.

Yeah. And they make sure that we know they are Nazi. Like they're not subtle about the Nazism in this scene. This is great. They're all dressed up like very silly, like, Street Fighter II characters, you know, like, fighting themes and Suspender is one of them for no reason. Oh, yeah. And there's a swastika flag in the background.

So to be clear, there's this Nazi underground warehouse fight club, and somebody showed up early to decorate On like a pile of pallets to be thematic it was probably the guy in the SS uniform He probably shows up every time he's like guys we said we were gonna do Nazi I had to stop at the gas station you assholes Find my receipt for these tiki torches. So there's a fight, there's some punchy punchy choky choky. And the referee stops the fight ends and he's like, oh, it looks like we have our champion. Abel is the winner again.

Yeah. Yeah, I didn't catch that. So good job. Yeah. It's good that you're pointing these out. Wow. I wonder if he's going to lose a fight to Kane at some point. Again, yeah, yeah, I didn't catch that so good job. Yeah Wow, I wonder if he's gonna lose a fight to Kane at some place I wonder that's gonna happen next thing that happens Jack themed announcer goes like now if there are no named characters that are in need of approving scene All the fighting is over for the and then fucking Randy Couture steps up. Oh, so is that like a guy? He's a UFC guy. Yeah, he's like a pretty famous UFC fighter

Oh, he looks like a UFC guy. I was like that's- and he acts like a UFC fighter I was like wow, central casting here. Okay, now it all makes sense. It makes sense. And his name is Kane. Marcus Kane. Yup. He's like, my name is Kane. And everybody's like, I'm going to bet on Abel. And we're like, you fucking idiot. You idiot.

Yeah. Also, Kane has a hype man manager. Yes. Yeah. For his underground Nazi warehouse fight club career to be managed by this guy. Yeah. They needed a token black man. Yeah, right. Fully. Yeah, he's the only one.

And this guy shows up and starts talking trash. He's like, my client's name is Marcus Kane. Mark it down. Mark ass bitch. Is that an actual laugh? He's so mad. He's so mad as he delivers it. Somebody wrote that and he was like, yeah, I'm getting paid.

I almost went with best worst black guy lines written by a white guy. Yeah, I felt sorry for this actor the whole fucking time. Oh, a hundred percent. And my favorite part of this, you guys, is that so I used to co-host a show called Take Part Live. It was on Pivot. Nobody's heard of the show. Nobody's heard of the network.

It's okay. It was, if you know participant media, they're like a social justice oriented film production studio, like a funding arm. Cool. You've probably seen it before. A lot of movie participants. Anyway, they decided to make a TV network back in the day. And they, and I did a live daily show with my co-host Jacob. They counter programmed us against the daily show. They were like, we'll do a fresh young show and put it on same time as the were like, we'll do a fresh young show and put it on same time as The Daily Show.

It'll do great. Yeah. How'd it go? Not great. There was, I think at one point, I had more listeners on my podcast than viewers of the TV show. Oh, wow. Which was, yeah.

But anyway, we had this regular guest on our panel. He got to the point where he was a nightly person, so he was just kind of became part of the core cast named Tehran Van Ghazri, who is the actor. He is the hype man. I was like, Oh my God, I know him. That's Tehran. So the whole time he's in the movie, it's like, really, like, Oh, that's fucking nuts. I was, I was so curious where the fuck you were going. Cause I thought you were going to go. And on that show, one time this guy named Kane came in to fight all of us.

Or I'm like, where are you going with this? So we filmed the show from inside of a Nazi warehouse where there was a fight club and we were right next to it. This is weirdly familiar to me. We panned the camera over a couple of times and it was like, swasta, go back, go back, go back. We can't pan anymore. No, but like for a year and a half of my life, I was on live TV every night with Teyron

Van Gosry, the hype man from obscure Christian. Well, yeah, if you if you run into him, tell him I really felt sorry for him as I watched him deliver these lines. You know, it's like we all got to make a living. So but yeah, but they organize a fight. Now, Randy Couture is going to take on Abel and they have like the most boring like you punch then I punch. No, I punch.

Oh, I got you. No, you got him kind of a fight and then it ends right and they don't even have him like of course because like obviously at the end of this fight Kane would pick up a rock and smash it over Abel's head wouldn't he or something but no they don't even fucking do that. Yeah. I'm already recognizing how throughout this film one of the major differences in our analysis is going to be that you guys broke down every fight scene and those just kind of melted together in my mind.

Yeah. Okay. But very importantly, Randy Couture, Marcus Kane wins with a leaping elbow pirouette, which is a real fighting thing, Kara. Okay. I'm pretty sure. I have no idea, but it looks cool. I looked pretty, look pretty fucking sweet.

I wish people could see the comparison of our notes. Like, very detailed. The fight notes are very detailed. It's literally like, I've got 31 notes, Heath has 29, and Kara has three. It's fucking hilarious. And one of hers is about knowing that guy. Yeah, no, my whole thing is about knowing.

And then I have a note that says, I feel like the movies y'all watch can be put into the weirdest categories based on how they make me feel. This one falls into production value is wildly mismatched with acting. Yeah. Yeah. Big gap. I don't like those. Those, it's like I have misophonia for these kinds of movies.

Interesting. Like the whole time I'mophonia for these kinds of movies. Interesting. Like the whole time I'm like, ugh, like it hurts. The lighting should be worse. Yeah. What's misophonia for all aesthetics about all the artists? Yeah. I hate it. I hate their ideas.

I wrote, I hate this movie like 70 times. I hate this. I hate it. So the fight's over. We cut to they're in this weird bathroom and they're counting up all the money they made. And then a guy, the movies do this all the time. A guy walks out of the stall that they didn't know was there. So he was apparently taking the world's quietest shit.

Yeah. While they were counting their money. Well, but he's a demon. Well, that's true. He probably just teleported in from the toilet or something. Yeah. No, you're right. He's probably got powers.

That's a weird power to have. Demons don't have to shit that's canon. Or they do it really, really quietly. Yeah. Stealthy. Okay. Yeah. So he comes out and he like stares evilly at them for a little while.

And then he challenges Cain to another fight. He says, Hey, I bet I can beat you in a fight and you can't even land a single punch. And if you win, you can have this entire bag full of gold bars. Yep. Little suspect. Why not money? Why not just make it a reasonable amount of money? Yeah. At one point, Tehran looks at it and he goes, I'm just going to call him Tehran because that's his name.

Oh, sure. He looks at it and he goes, it's real. And I'm like, how did you just say it over there? Why is that a spiel? Did you bite it? What a weird skill set you brought to this Nazi fight party. Yeah, no, it's real. Also, the economy is having a lot of trouble. So this is a good time actually to invest in gold instead of dollars.

Oh, and the acting where he picks up the bag and it's all too heavy to pick it up. But for some reason, like his arm muscles can't handle it, but those flimsy like straps on the bag don't break. Yes! Right. Yeah. Those are adamantium straps actually. I don't know if you know. But yeah, so, but then Andy's like, I'll take your bet. And I'm like, why would you take this bet? And he goes to punch him and the bad guy dodges Neo style super fast and he catches his fist.

You had to see that coming. You don't take that bet. Exactly. Like you're making a bet with you know Satan or a demon like a literal demon or you're making a bet with a guy who claims to be a demon and has a bag of gold bars. This is bad either way. Don't do that. There's no way to win this fight. Yes exactly. And of course he doesn't win the fight. The bad guy demon dodges and then he catches his fist and they do that thing where the veins all stand out on him and now he's... Oh, yeah.

It's gold. Like, the only notes in this entire scene, again, they play by play the entire choreography of the fight scene. And all I wrote was, this movie is so fucking stupid. And then, then ooh weird veins Yeah, he gets he gets the vascular looking demon poison where it like turns your blood black and you can like it You need a great effect. It's not bad I feel like if you're a demon you want to you know

Sometimes covertly turn somebody into a demon and not have it be very visibly obvious what just happened that would do you right? I would probably be more effective. You know confusing for the audience though sure somebody into a demon and not have it be very visibly obvious what just happened. That would be right. That would probably be more effective. Yeah. Be confusing for the audience though. Sure. Sure. So then we cut to a couple of bodybuilders working in an armored car and suddenly a smoke

grenade gets thrown and it's a robbery. Randy Couture comes out. Now, Randy Couture is in a gas mask, but this is like, it's not like toxic gas. The other people aren't passing out or choking. This is just like the obscure, the battlefield smoke. Yeah, it's just supposed to like make it so you can't see. Yeah. You can breathe it because you're supposed to run through it.

Yes, right. The other guys are like just breathing it, but he's got a gas mask on for some fucking reason. Well, because he's got the vein thing. He needs something. Oh, right. Yeah. That would be really obvious. Oh, he's vis a gas mask on for some fucking reason well cuz he's got the vein thing he needs all right Yeah, no, he really obvious visibly a demon He's in that sensitive part like in what we do in the shadows where like he's still turning So but he he robs the armored car because he needs money

We have no idea why by the way he has like eight million dollars worth gold fucking bars, but for some reason they have to rob an armored car. And after he's done, he's like, Hey, I'm going to take off my mask so that you guys could see my face. And he's like, why? He's like, because then I'll have an excuse to kill you. And he kills him. Oh, yeah. It's very brutal. Yeah. He's bad. He's mean. That's yeah. That's the point of this scene. I think. Yeah. Cain turned out to be evil. So we're evil guys. What? And once again, they pass up the opportunity to smash a rock over somebody's head.

So he kills the bad guys. And then we have this weird fucking scene where it's after the robbery and there's another guy who's dressed like Randy Couture. But he's dead. And all the money turns out to be piles of concrete blocks Yeah, what I think happened was because he was tricked. He doesn't get to keep the gold. The gold is just concrete fine But what I don't get is why Tehran's not like sweet all that cash We just got from this fight is now mine because my fighter is dead

Oh interesting getting the fuck out of here with a bunch of cash Yeah, he should be thrilled, but he looks disappointed. So, okay. So now, in case that Cain and Abel reference earlier wasn't quite enough to justify my best words, it's time for us to check in at Gabe, who works at fucking Babylon Auto. Come on, I miss that. Really? Yes.

So. I miss that too. Which, by the way, is just a man's private garage. Very clearly. Yes. Like nothing about that place looked like a commercial unit. Nope. It's weird.

This is a movie about the Bible repair shop is what we're at. Yep. Yep. So he's working on a car and it's the boss's car, I guess. Because that's what you do in a repair shop. You work on your own cars. Boss's car. Yeah. He is just in his boss's garage. Yeah. Well, that's that you do in a repair shop. You work on your own cars. Work on the boss's car? Yes.

He is just in his boss's garage. Yeah. Well, that must be it. This guy is not very smart. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So he's working on the car when suddenly he hears a voice and it goes, find them.

And he's like, whoa, what was that? And he closes the hood of the car and he sees a conspicuous cross hanging from the rear view mirror. That's stupid. So CGJ is about to pop up again, the ghost. So to be clear, he pops in for occasional very vague hints. He does like, voices, a couple of words, puts little trinkets around. Yes, we are watching an escape room, a slow escape room in action.

But he realizes, ah, fuck, I'm dealing with an idiot. So he poofs into the scene to explain directly. He's like, Jesus, just I'm a ghost. This is very important. You have to do my mission for the fake universe. Yeah, he sits down in the car and suddenly Kubo Gori Jr. appears and he's like, you know, you need to fight the demons. And he's like, I need to fight demons. Huh? And he's like, yeah.

And I really need you to just accept that now so that we can get on with the movie. And he's like, no, no, I get it. We're almost to act too. That makes perfect fucking sense. And he goes, you know, there are only three people I trust to fight alongside of me. They were all three in the flashback. You know, I'm, you know, I'm the movie. Yeah. Right? And so the goal here, just to be fully, like, just to hit the exposition over the head,

I appreciated that in the film, by the way. Yeah. I was like, what the fuck is going on? Gabriel has been chosen by the archangel Michael to defend the earth against his legion of demons. Not sure why Michael gets to choose his opponent. Michael's a bad guy in this game. Yeah, Michael's a bad guy, but he's choosing these, no, okay, Kuba is choosing Galthazar to fight. Yes, it's Balthazar, this is Balthazar.

Kuba is Balthazar, apparently. Balthazar has chosen Gabriel to fight the archangel Michael. Yes, and his army. Who has a legion of demons. And he has plugged up. He's closed the gatesangel Michael. Yes, and his army. Who has a legion of demons. And he has plugged up. He's closed the gates of hell. The door to hell. Yeah.

And it's like a toilet. Once you clog it up, it just starts backing up. So all the hell demons are backing up. Yes. And now Gabe has to defeat Michael to open the gates of hell, so that all the hell demons will stop fighting in Michael's army.

And go where they belong. Yeah, exactly. Go back to hell. So in terms of the corporate structure in heaven, in this universe, God at the top, obviously Archangel Michael is a fallen angel in this one. I guess. He's a bad guy. He's doing demon stuff.

And Balthazar is a high level manager for God. Yeah. Yeah. So Balthazar though, that's the Mer guy, right? That's one of the Magi and one who brought the Mer. Yes, yes. I was like, wait a minute. So Jesus and God put him in a really high position and they were like, who's the resident

guy? The guy brought up the hash or whatever it was. Yeah, it was a good hash. High level. I mean, when the Son of God was born, there were only three blokes who brought gifts. Like, of course he's going to pay him back somehow. Right. Well, so I like to think that he just rose up the ranks, you know, and at this point, he's all the way up into like a high middle manager position or something.

He's like, this guy got him a good graces early on with the whole like son of God thing. Yeah. He's an affirmative action. So yeah, but he's got it. Michael's building an army of hell souls and God needs Gabriel to put together his old unit and fight back and and nobody ever goes hey isn't isn't God omnipotent? Why would he need anyone to do anything? Right? Because he's like, no, no, you get a, you have a get the team together montage coming up. Go do that. And then he Batman's away.

This guy doesn't think deeply about anything. He just says like, okay, I got nothing else going on. No. And then, okay, so like that night he's thinking about it and he looks at his wine and he notices that his wine is from Tbilisi. Yeah. Georgia. Okay. First of all, the wine glass that he has is way too fancy for drinking alone in the dark. That's not acceptable. That's a Star Wars glass at that point.

This is like a fancy like Redel glass, whatever, with the like shapey thing going on. Also, the label, they show us really close for a second. It says dry orange wine from Georgia, from Tbilisi. But the wine in the glass is red. Just like why not get a bottle of this? All you're doing is telling us the next scene or a couple scenes later is going to be in Georgia, the country. That's it. Yep. That's it. But I'm so glad it is. Me too. Well, they...

It kept me going in this movie, I'm going to be honest. Yeah, there's some nice scenery in Georgia, actually. Yeah. Well, I'm sure they got some great tax rebates too. We'll get to those because those are going to be the plot of the movie by the end of this thing. Yes, they will be. So, okay.

But then we cut to this scene. I have no idea what the fuck this scene is doing here. There's a crazy guy and he's got a dead body and he's arguing with himself and there's a crazy guy and he's got a dead body and he's arguing with himself and there's a woman in her underwear that's like with a gag strapped to a table. I honestly, I feel like the producer said, all right, I'll give you money as long as there's a scene where a girl's strapped to a table in her underwear. Oh, 100%. This is like weird, violent male fantasy shit.

You call him the Picasso butcher, because he's also a tortured artist. And apparently he's psychotic, right? They're trying to paint him as having psychosis because he's talking to himself and responding to stimuli, like internal stimuli that aren't in the room. But then, spoiler alert,

Randy Couture comes in and is like, you're a serial killer, so I'm going to kill you and add you to my army because it's an army of bad guys. And he just becomes completely cogent when he walks in. That's not how psychosis works. So... You can't, like... It's just like, I don't like...

This took Kara out of the movie right there. This whole movie took me out of the movie. I was never in the movie. These symptoms don't line up. This Kara out of the movie right there. This whole movie took me out of the movie. I was never in the movie. These symptoms don't line up. This is so stupid. This is dumb. Everything was great so far. This is dumb. So, but yeah, but he comes in and he's like, you're a serial killer, so you're going to be on my team now.

The serial killer attacks him with a cleaver, dodge, dodge, dodge, grabs him and he does the evil touch of veiny face or whatever, and he kills him and now he's a demon too. Yeah. And I'm sure that's way too weird of a scene to never factor back into the movie in any appreciable fucking way so I'm sure it's gonna matter a lot and while you're still believing that we're gonna take a quick break but we'll be back in a minute with even more of Angels Fallen. Warriors of peace. And Randy Couture is going to take a quick break and drive home and never be in.

Never show up in the fucking movie again at any goddamn point. It's so weird. I'm just now realizing. Oh, he's going to be a nomad in the land of Nod, I guess. You can't look at him for three days. It's fine. Noah, Noah little help. Caught in the band. I'll help. Dude, let me get you unwrapped. Thanks. Thanks. That was a close one.

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Definitely. I can feel the improvement in my endurance and it keeps track of my workout streaks to help keep me motivated. I can even do a workout when we're traveling. All I need is a phone and a little space in the hotel room. Yeah, lots of hotels have a gym, but gym people go there. Gym people go there. Exactly. Gross. And the app has over a thousand demonstration videos so I can learn the right movements for any new exercise I'm doing.

It's like having a personal trainer, but better. It's cheaper and easier to build a custom fitness plan that works for you. Great. I am sold. How do I sign up? Walk in and stay focused. Join FitBod to get your personalized workout plan. Get 25% off your subscription to try the app for free for seven days at fitbod.me slash gam. That's fitbod.me slash gam. That's F I T B O D dot M E slash gam. All right. Thanks, Noah. No problem. So you got that wrapped around your neck pretty tight. Were you, were you trying to switch to a different exercise when you got caught in the band?

Yep. Exercise. Uh huh. With no pants? They fell off. Okay, so where are they? They fell into the other room. Okay. Hey there, champ. I've got a little wager for you.

Oh, really? What is it? You and me, one on one. And if you so much as land a single punch, I'll give you this. Wow, boss, it's a bag with, I don't know, like 30 gold bars in it. That's right. And it's all yours if you can hit me even a single time. OK. And if I lose? Then I get your soul.

Huh. Yeah, and if I lose? Then I get your soul. Huh. Um, yeah, no deal. Great. Then wait, wait, wait, wait, what? No, no deal. I said no deal. Obviously. What do you mean, obviously? I mean, you're very clearly a supernatural demon or something trying to trick me out of my soul. Come on. What makes you think that? Well, you bet him his soul, man. Only demons would do that.

Plus, a gold bar weighs like 27.4 pounds. You're over there holding like 800 pounds of gold in one hand. No problem. No, I'm not. You just set it down. We all just saw you. Okay. Okay, but what what if I offered you two bags? It's not about the number of gold bars You're obviously gonna use some kind of like superhuman cheat and you know, you're gonna win. It's no bet not taking the bet Oh, yeah, come on. My whole plan kind of hinges on you

Taking this bad. No not a chance. All right. would if we do best three out of five on Smash Brothers Oh, I'm gonna destroy you bet is on I thought so Kirby's level And we're back for more of this shit and it's time for the big getting the team back together portion of the program, starting with trigger. And we will meet him. He's working as a landscaper and he's very concerned about this adorable dog. Oh, such a good dog.

Yeah, he has a weird attempt at humor. Yeah, this was I think this was supposed to be comic relief, right? It was and and you really genuinely couldn't tell you're like, oh, is this his PTSD doesn't allow him to work with animals now? Or is that right? Yeah, no, no, they're actually we're supposed to be laughing here. Yeah. But he gets fired because he won't go in the yard with the dog in it. And he goes to leave. And damn it, if Gabe isn't just waiting there with a couple of beers against the pickup truck in case he got fired.

Yeah. So Gabriel like waited around the side of the truck off the side. It was like, oh, he's getting fired. Perfect. I'll be able to get him right after this. Or maybe it was like, oh, you know what? I'll wait until he's done with that yard. You know, it was just lucky for him that he got fired. Have a couple of street coronas while I'm waiting. And can I just, I'm going to double speak for a second here.

Choose whether or not you want to use this, but based on the big reveal at the end, which I will not mention now, does this scene make fucking sense? Nothing. Nothing makes sense based on the big reveal at the end. Absolutely nothing in the movie makes sense. You can't go back and watch this movie having known the reveal because the movie doesn't work. Absolutely not.

Okay. And also, so, but we cut to like, after Gabe has caught Trigger up on the plot, because this writer was not even going to try to figure out how the fuck that conversation would go. Right. So we just cut to Trigger going, wow, man, that's crazy. And like, yeah, he just recruited to help an angel reopen the gates of hell, man. Right. And he's saying he needs you because you're a really good demon sniper.

He says you're the best sniper I know. You're going to snipe the Archangel? No, no, to be fair, this is the quote. You're the best marksman I know yes what I really hope people talk like this The guy who wrote this fucking movie talks like that all the time He knows like but he's got a list in his head of the five best marksmen that he knows Yeah, this was like a 19 minute scene about the technicalities of a sniper rifle and they had to cut it down to just this for sure.

This guy like used chat GPT to write that like he doesn't understand human speech. No, like like it's like JD Vance ordering a donut this whole script. Yes, it is that like at one point he's like I know this sounds pretty out there and he goes not to me Sarge, not is that. Like at one point he's like, I know this sounds pretty out there. And he goes, not to me, Sarge. Not to me. Why not? Have you fought demons to open the gates of hell before? What does sound out there to you?

Is what I'm curious about now. Not to me, Sarge. But yeah, but triggers in. He says, you're the only family I have left now. And it's like, oh, well, all right, man, that's. Oh, yeah, they try to make that a plot point and they touch on it two or three times. And we're all like, we don't care. You didn't develop any of these characters.

This doesn't count the exact same conversation. But with like a lot instead of God sounds out there, Tim, for sure. All right. No, 100 percent. That's very. So then we cut to Leia. Who's Leia? Well, she was very important. We didn't just completely forget to mention her because she didn't do anything in the other scene. She was the medic that worked for his unit in Iraq. We saw her in the flashback, but there's a knock on the door. Her husband goes to answer it and no seconds later he goes,

honey, there's a Sergeant Gabriel Wilson here to see you. He's holding a big sign with all his information that I'm reading it to you right now. Yeah, the notebook but then we flashed after he's explained the plot to her too and He tells her he's like you're the best medic in the business What? Okay, I mean medic makes a bit more sense than sniper, but like... For demon fighting, yeah. Do you have experience with evil sorcery injuries? Demon blood poison fixes?

All right. If all of a sudden my veins turned black and got really big, what would you do that? I am the best goddamn medic. It's also like, I can't get over how sexist it is, because clearly she's a good combat soldier. Right. That's all she does in the movie. She never like... Yeah, clearly she's got to be the medic.

And then later there's another scene where it's like, are you the medic? And she goes, how do you know? And she's like, I just know. Come on. What the fuck? But here, this is my favorite part. So he's like, are you going to come with us and fight the Demon Army?

And she's like, I would, Sarge, but honey, come here and show this man your nice cancer head. You could just say the cancer. You don't have to show it probably. Yeah, you don't need a prop. She brings down the kid. And clearly this girl has hair down to her back shoved up in this bald cap. She looks like the brain from Pinky and the Brits.

It's like amazing. Her head's just pulsing with it. Yeah, so presumably Gabriel was like, I don't believe you. And then she had to be like, no, look, look at the cancer. You can see the cancer. There it is. But then the best part is she doesn't actually have cancer.

We're all saying she has cancer because she's bald. No, she literally goes, I put ha ha ha and all like I died laughing at this point. This is what I feel like I was tapping into what Eli is talking about when he squeals with joy the whole time he's watching these movies. This was a moment of that where she's like, the doctors don't know what it is or how to treat it. It's an unknown disease. While she compiles just like mountains of pills on the coffee table. I'm just giving her all these pills just in case.

We're just going to try each one alphabetically and see if any of them take it. Why is she bald? Are they giving her chemo for an unknown disease or did the disease cause her hair to fall out? I don't know. But she can't have ice cream. Yeah, right. Could be a flu.

We're going to try radiation, see what happens. She says, Can't have ice cream? Yeah, right. Could be a flu. We're going to try radiation, see what happens. She says, can I have ice cream? She says, no honey, ice cream's bad for your immune system. And you had some yesterday. You had some? That's bad? I found that out last night. Well, you don't need your whole immune system.

I don't think your immune system is affected by ice cream. I feel like that's made up. No, that's what I... Yeah, I've been since when is ice cream bad your whole immune system. I don't think your immune system is affected by ice cream. I feel like that's what I... No, that's what I... Yeah, I've been since when it's ice cream bad for the immune system. The doctors don't know what it is or how to treat it. It's an unknown disease. That's a direct quote. And here's the fucked up thing is that the movie, like, it'll never...

There's not a reason for that. It could just be cancer. It could just be any normal thing. No, there's not a reason for her to it could just be cancer. It could just be any normal thing There's not a reason for her to even have a sick kid in this movie really to be honest Yeah, right so fucking stupid, but but she's like I can't fight with you I have to take care of my cancer kid and we're like all right all right So I guess you'll be back later, and it'll be a surprise and like the very next scene Immediately is like yeah, no I, I'm a cancer kid.

Whatever. I'm on. I'm on board. Let's do it. Answer. Answer. Yeah. But first he has to recruit his the best damn boxer he knows. Right. This recruiting stuff is so stupid. I love your line here, Noah. This man just can't stop.

It's OK. So they keep having this. They're having this conversation and the guy just keeps like throwing punches Like just air box. Yeah shadow boxing and or because you stand next to a heavy bag or I'll hit the heavy bag from time And can we talk anywhere else? Is it oh no, even when we walk away you're just punching air. Okay. Okay. Okay in the midst of this air boxing I look I pause it. We are only 30 minutes into this movie. Oh, it's so sad. The runtime was the saddest part of this movie.

Yeah. Oh, it was bad. It was bad. And there was shade. Like you were, you kept hoping, you're like, maybe there's like 13 minutes of credits. There's been a lot of CGI, but no. Did I accidentally press half speed? Amazon doesn't have that button. But yeah, so he's a motherfucker. So, yeah, but we also learned. So this is Paul. This is the guy who shot all of the hostages earlier,

all of the prisoners. Right. So why this dude is trusting him is beyond me. Well, he's a boxer and you need a boxer. Right. And see, that's you being good at plot because I would never have even thought about it. I don't like, okay. Well, we also learned here that he's back on the junk, right? So he's got a Harewood addicted boxer on his fucking fighting demons team? Yeah. Why? It's a real performance enhancing drug there. Yeah, right. Right. The boxer son, Erwin. What? Right. But Paul's like, yeah, maybe a good way to stay clean is fighting an archangel in the demon army. That sounds good. I'm on board. Really? You think that would he's like, yeah, no, I think that would do it. I did.

It's not self-serving at all. So Paul's in and then they go to leave and Gabe turns around and punches the punching bag real hard too because he also can punch. Right? Yep. Yep. He has a penis. There's a penis in there. There was a cut and then, owie! Ah, my wrist. That's so heavy. Ah, my wrist. My wrist. Now I'm not going to be able to control wrists. So goddamn it. So then we cut to Gabe.

And by the way, listener, if you don't think there's going to be some fucking A class risk control before this fucking movie is over, you don't know what kind of film we're dealing with. Okay. I feel like maybe Randy Couture got sent home because he taught risk control too hard to everybody Yeah for the rest of the thing and they were like just fuck is risk control You gotta go. What are you guys talking about? Risk control is the thing that the like, you know, MMA gym rat guys always talk about

They're like look I'm controlling your wrist and now karate chop to the neck karate chop It's what it goes in men's brains instead of executive function, Karen Yeah, I thought that was the reason I didn't know that So, no, doctor, okay, moving on brains instead of executive function. Karen. Yeah, I thought that was a reason I didn't know that. Moving on. But then we're going to cut to Tbilisi, Georgia, where the rest of the movie will take place. I wrote, why are they in George? Okay.

Thank you. This is insane. They're in Georgia, apparently based on Balthazar's clue with the wine. Yeah. They just flew to Georgia. That's all I could figure out. Yeah. on Balthazar's clue with the wine. They just flew to Georgia. That's all I could figure out. Yeah. I wanted them to get there and it was just a coincidence.

Balthazar's show up again. No, that was just, I like orange wine from Georgia. What are you doing? You flew here? We have this vacation on the books for weeks. That's why. Yeah, right. No, but this was like, it is weird because the rest of the the movie he gives him relatively overt clues and he's like, I don't

Understand you have to spell it out for me. But this one he got right and so also if this is so funny They're sitting around some foot fountain because they're like obligated in order to get the tax refund they want or they're they're after whatever They have to show seven of these 15 Lovely Tbilisi landmarks in their movie. Which thanks fuck they did. It made this movie 10 times more entertaining. Oh yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

I want to go to Georgia. Literally at this point I started googling all these. You know, it was beautiful spots. I'm planning my trip instead of watching the movie at this point. Same, same. Smart. That's why I knew how many of the top 15 trip advisor things to do in Tbilisi were in this But but they're sitting around this lovely fountain in Tbilisi and They're like, so why are we in Georgia? And I'm like, why didn't you guys talk about this on the plane?

You didn't go over this but I would say before the plane Unless you're fully on board with the plan to defeat the demons. Nah, we'll figure it out in the air or maybe after, whatever. This is sort of a fountain type conversation. And then, all of a sudden, out of fucking nowhere, Leia shows up. So somehow, she's in now, by the way, but somehow she knew that A, they were in Tbilisi and B, they were at this fountain having a chat.

Why would she do that? Yeah, I don't know about you, but if I'm asked to do a job, I'm not going to do it on my own dime. Right? Yeah. I'm going to go with that. I'm going to make sure that my airfare is covered. You would think.

You would think. She's got a kid that's sick with something she doesn't even know what it is. She needs to be saving money. Yeah. Unknown cinnamanoma. That's right. Yes. But Leia is, we're going to find out, a scryer.

So maybe that's how she knows about the fountain. Oh, you're right. That's right. She probably psychically got a clue as to which fountain to go to. You think she's been at that fountain for like three fucking days? Like, God, Jesus, her scryer power, we're going to get to it is my favorite. It's a real word. It's scry. Yeah.

Yeah. I know it from Magic the Gathering. Originally, I know it from being an idiot that believed in a bunch of who Taro bullshit for a long time. So I literally think and I say this later on and it makes more sense later on, but now feels like a good time to share it. I think that the guy who wrote this movie just really wanted that last D and D session to like go down in history. That is what he transcribed his last D and D session.

I think you might be right. So proud of it. Eli's standing right behind you. I know he's always there. Yeah, right. He's in the closet somewhere. So now they're driving around Georgia and they're all going like, wow, this is such a lovely country. It's a really nice place for a vacation. You don't think to please see, you know, right away when you think of Eastern European destination. But then like as they're saying that, as they're going like, wow, this is such a beautiful country, they're showing the most drab, gray, boxy, Soviet-ass looking apartment complexes you can imagine.

Yeah. Right? Like there's like all around them, there's these gorgeous Caucasus Mountains and shit that they could be showing, but no, they're showing these stupid-ass, boring looking apartments. Okay. They got to make us scared of the demons. Oh, that's that must be it. Yeah.

That's what we see. Sweaty guy. It's about to be a sweaty demon for half a second. Who's just like demon demon demon. Okay. Yep. Yep. And then he disappears.

He's a weird character because he comes up a lot. Sweaty guy. Like from here until the end of the movie, he's in like every fight scene. Yeah. He never like demonizes. He just always looks str the movie. He's in like every fight scene. Yeah, he never like demonizes He just always looks strong out. He's just a sweaty guy. Yeah. Yeah I don't get I don't get him. So then we cut to Leia in her hotel that night So apparently in order for her to use her psychic powers, she has to be Underwater they did not steal that from stranger things. That was their idea. They had that idea first

water. They did not steal that from Stranger Things. That was their idea. They had that idea first. So she's now she's filling her sink up in the in the hotel and sticking her face in it until she has visions. She can't scry without a little bit of water above her face line or something. So that's what's happening here. I'm so bad at fantasy that literally this is an earnest sentence that I wrote here, in this movie, schizophrenia is contagious. I was trying to make sense of why she was having visions. That's how not into fantasy I am.

Amazing. Okay, based on this power, do you think when she just like washes her face real quick, she sees like a tiny amount of vision every time she's like, yeah, I missed that again. Because later in the film, she says, I've been having these visions since Iraq. Yeah. Yeah. Like if she caught out in the rain or something. Yeah. She goes swimming. Just vision and no vision. Vision, no vision. Vision. It's really rough. So, by the way, so her visions are so hilariously literal. So she, her vision is a fucking rebus puzzle, right? That we get here.

It's so silly. It's so, yeah. So we'll get together because the next fucking scene is the bar where they're all trying to puzzle out her vision. Yeah. So just really quick, her vision was, as I saw saw it a sperm on a chalkboard for a second That was sperm right sure okay That was one sperm on a chalkboard and then the name of Lila But like a whole bunch of times written down like on a like on an over focused Idea board where all the person thought of was Lila like a stalker board, yeah. Yeah, it was very like beautiful mind.

Yeah, yeah. And then there was a, as I saw it, a neon angel outside of a strip club that has Angel in the name. And I was like, okay, well, that's a stupid fucking vision. Cut to a strip club. Ha ha ha ha. Well, first we have to get a whole scene

where they figure that out. Oh my God. Oh yeah, we have to do a whole scene where they figure that out. Oh my god. We have to do a different bar and then cut to a strip club. That's how long this movie takes to get there. They're so fucking dumb. So okay, so the sperm is the letter D in the Georgian alphabet. I went on a quite a Georgia has its own alphabet rabbit hole here. It's very cool.

Looks like Elvish. Yeah. It's also on the Looks like Elvish. Yeah. It's also on the neon sign at the strip club, the sperm. Oh, is it? No. Of course it is. Oh, I get you. I get you.

So then, but then, so they've got the letter D and then they've got Lila and this is an actual goddamn line from the movie, quote, D Lila. Delilah. So stupid. It's another subtle. That was Leia because she's smart. Yes, right. To be clear, Balthazar or God or whatever wasn't just like go to Delilah, the strip club. The plan was, I'm going to put a fucking rebus inside of a sink in a hotel room and maybe

this will get them there. Yeah. Yeah. And they get there slowly. Like, it takes a while. Yeah, not in any fucking hurry. We're all there already. And I'm like, yes, please explain your thought process in even more painstaking detail. This is riveting.

I love watching this in a film. The stakes of this movie are the end of humanity, right? That's what they've established. If the bad guys win, humanity ends. Why would you give them a fucking rebus puzzle why wouldn't you just say hey you know where you should go is the Delilah strip club you fucking idiot exactly yeah so like why would you need a code that's ridiculous but also if you're doing the code Delilah is spelled with an H at the end in the name

of the strip club we see. Why not put the fucking H in Delilah? It's out of your rebus. I don't know. It's so inexplicably stupid. It's a lilac minus C. What do you think that is? Plus H. That's lilac plus H.

Delilah. This is like the Sunday puzzle, you guys. Yes. You know, this isn't a Tuesday or a Wednesday. You gotta have a gimmick. If you're doing a theme or you gotta have it tie together better. Come on. Rex Parker's mad at you.

And add an H to the end of all the, yeah, the long ones. So they're at the Delilah strip club now. And for the most man, I was embarrassed to be a man this whole time. I was like, God, why did we invite Kara for this fucking movie? Oh yeah, I wrote this. This is the first thing I wrote in the scene. Guys, I really want to know, take a second here. What does overt sexism feel like to feminist men while they're watching it? Like, I'm genuinely curious because for me, during the scene, my eyes were mostly rolling and then like it was punctuated by moments of rage,

but mostly it was an eye roll. Like what does it feel like for you guys to watch this? If I was describing my emotion, it would be, the noise. Yeah, like it's just like a big long cringe. Yep. Okay. Let me actually, I can give you my entire

like inner monologue during this scene. Oh, I hope Lucinda doesn't come in. Oh, I hope Lucinda doesn't come in. So there's something weird. There's like weird internal guilt and shame because like you are, you are part of this system that you never asked to be part of. Yeah, really. You're like, ugh. Yeah. And so, but of course, Lucinda did come in by the way, at exactly this moment. And I was like like those are Christian boobs the um, god It's to save mankind from evil. Yep. It's serious also So I have to explain this one too in case anybody's ever like looking through my my search history So the the song that is playing here. Oh, yeah

She fucked me like fuck me like a porn star She fucked me like a porn star which I like in exchange for pizza, I don't know what that means, right? Yeah. But like every once in a while, the subtitles would just come up on the lyrics and just go inaudible. And I'm like, yeah, you lazy fucks, just look up the fucking lyrics. So then like a fucking idiot, I googled, she fucked me like a porn star thinking I was

going to find the lyrics to this song. That wasn't the first hit? That's bad SEO. But yeah, right. That's obviously. Yeah, no. So I owe the subtitle person an apology for my previous notes. I guess.

So, okay. So they split up. They're like, we should all split up and wander slowly around the strip club so that the camera has all kinds of reasons to zoom in on asses and whatnot. Yeah, they're looking for the warriors of peace now. So the idea is like, okay, everybody split up and look for fucking peace warriors. Whatever that looks like. Hey, anybody warring?

I feel like they never explain it. No! Do they ever in this movie, like, all of a sudden they just know they need to find a band of peace warriors that they're supposed to connect with? Yeah. Has that ever talked about before? I think Cuba Gooding Jr. at one point says you must find the warriors of peace, but I thought he meant like his group of people would then be the Warriors of Peace

once he had assembled his team. Right, I thought so too. I guess that's just bad writing. Like the writer didn't realize that's what we would think. Right. But instead there's a whole other Warriors of Peace they have to find. Oh, so how did Leia immediately know that Delilah,

once the rebus was solved, she was like, Delilah, the strip club right here in Tbilisi that I know about. Yeah. This is where I used to take leave, you guys. Apparently. Yeah, this is the sixth best strip club in all of Tbilisi, as it turns out. Respect.

So yeah. So, and then, so as they're split up, Trigger just goes to watch the boobs. Paul, the boxer guy, he goes to the bartender and he says, what's your best drink? I hate you so much. You guys love this scene. I hate you so much already. Just name the drink.

You order a drink. Just say it. You get like three syllables, come on, let's go. I don't fucking drink, so I did, I was like, I assume this is a really stupid question, but I don't know. It's not a fucking mixology bar at the strip club. You're getting a beer or what? You're getting a Coors Light, man.

Let's go. So yeah, he's like, no, the best drink here at this club is called the Dante's Inferno. And I'm like, oh, I think that's a clue. Yeah. Do you guys also notice in this scene that they didn't have multicam? Because I don't know, maybe they were all broken or out of commission. So they were like, how do we shoot the scene where we can see both of their faces at the same time? So his back is to the bar while he's talking to him.

He's not talking to the bartender. He's the worst. I'm going to talk away from you. Yeah. And then, oh, so we cut to trigger with the stripper and he's going to give her $100, but he puts it in her mouth or not. Sorry. He puts it in his mouth.

Yeah. Yeah. I wrote he lady in the tramps a hundo. It's not good. It's gross. It's so fucking gross. And she's so uninterested. I love how they're like, okay, we want genuine.

She's like, I got you. So I think she's the best actress in this whole movie. She's so uninterested. She's like, you are very stupid. I am very smart. And she goes, oh, it's lonely. You like give her more money. Oh my God, better.

But just then, an action sequence sneaks up behind the game and it's a fight. We get we get our first example of wrist control. Oh, I see. Yeah. When Leia takes down the guy, she grabs him by the hand and she starts throwing him all over the place because she's got the wrist. Once you got the wrist, really, you can control the whole body. The entire motion of the body emanates from the wrist. Everybody knows that.

I still don't see it. I wasn't really watching. Yeah, okay. The minute it's so, there's something in my brain. It's like a protective mechanism. But the minute that like a fight scene breaks out, all of my neurons are like, don't be poison, just look away. And then. It's probably best.

And then I just know when it's over and I'm like, okay, I didn't need to see any of that for the plot to move forward. Gonna check out some hiking in Georgia a little bit more. I'm literally like, who's still standing and who's on the ground at the end of that scene? That is the only data I need. Okay, so here's my favorite part of this fucking bite. So the good guys are losing, right?

The bad guys are getting the best of them. When all of a sudden, the warriors of peace show up and fight along their side, right? Which they've been there the whole time. It was like the bartender. Yeah. And just other people there. Yeah. Yeah. It's whatever number of Georgian actors they needed to hire to get the fucking tax rebate from the Tourism Bureau. Right.

And this I don't understand real quick, though, because in the lore of like Christianity, because later it's like very clear why certain people were on this side versus that side, because these are the good guys and those are the bad guys. Why are the good guys just hanging out in a strip club? Yeah. Okay. So that, that we explained in the next scene, they were laying a trap for the demon. It's a sting in the den of iniquity. Yes. Ah, okay.

So, but this is where they explained that they had started a whole fucking strip club as a way of like a, to run a sting operation on the demons, which seems to me like bullshit. They like, they were saying that because Leia's there, right? Yeah, they don't want them to know. Yeah, exactly. Even the good guys are bad guys. Yeah, and they're really bad at being angry. The covert operation guys, they're like, you ruined it.

It's cool. We still like you. Yeah, so but then they all introduced themselves and I'm like I'm not remembering four more characters fuck you fuck you you got there's priest and there's bartender and there's fucking biceps and then there's that other guy the fucking oh what one of the guys is an atheist right or he was an atheist until he started fighting demons. Farouk is an atheist. Fun fact, Farouk is Arabic for one who distinguishes truth from falsehood. Oh, is... Made me very happy that they accidentally named him that.

Oh, that's awesome. Oops. This is, yeah. So mostly in my notes, I just have them as WAP2, WAP3. It's a warrior of peace, two, three, et cetera. This is where the Catholic priest tells Leia that she's a sc of peace, two, three, etc. This is where the Catholic priest tells Leia that she's a scryer, right? Yeah, I don't like that word.

It's a very ugly word. It's an ugly word. Yeah. Yeah. He's doing it like flirty, too. He's priest. It's father, father here. Father, Padre. So you're a scryer. And like when when a real line in your movie is the same as the line from the guy trying to get laid at Bonnaroo, it's not a good sign.

Is it, you scry here often? And Gabe's like, but Balthazar said that you would help us. And they're like, no, no, we're more of a like show up mid fight scene and help out when you think we've abandoned you kind of a kind of a team Up type of guys and they're like, oh, all right. Well, yeah, no, that's fine. That's fine Yeah, what was the point of any? Because because the writer thinks it's really cool when they win the like the other guys show up and you're not expecting it I guess this is out of your jurisdiction. I wanted to use the word jurisdiction. Yeah, right

Yeah But the point is like the warriors of peace are being like, yeah, we get our orders from up top. The big guy, not a human like Junior's ghost, which apparently is who gave you this important information. Right. Yeah. So, okay.

So that night and again, this is such a minor thing, but it's what is the stupidest things I've ever seen a movie get this goddamn wrong. So Leia's doing her own research like you do when she gets an email and this movie doesn't know how email works. Right. Or I'm sorry, maybe somebody has this like a system where every time you get an email, it appears at the center of your fucking screen, blurs out all the stuff you're working on and demands that you deal with it now?

Yeah, she's using the native mail app on her Mac and it does do that. It's garbage. Oh my God. That's why everybody always has to disable it from launching automatically when they turn on their computer. Is that like an Outlook Express?

How old are you? Yeah, yeah. Woof. It's mail. It's Apple Mail is what she's using. I saw it and I was like, this is so inconvenient. It couldn't possibly exist in the world. But yeah, apparently, okay then.

Yeah, it's there. So, okay. So, but she's getting an important email and then we get Paul and Gabe playing pool and Paul is going like, oh, we should probably give up and throw in the towel. We're never going to win. And then Leah comes in and she's like, I got a clue as to where we're supposed to go in the next scene. Yeah. Cause the email by the way says, are you a warrior?

I have something for you and your team. Yes. It's very targeted spam. We've been trying to reach you about your evil demon weapons. Yeah. Don't click the link. You're a scryer. You're a scryer and you're clicking on the email that has a subject line that says,

are you a warrior? Splash a little water on your face. Jesus. Yeah, right. Right. Exactly. So, okay. Then we're going to go to the saddest goddamn weapons room you have ever seen in an action movie, right? Cause like the guy who wrote this movie was envisioning that fucking the walls from that scene in Matrix 2 where there's just weapons everywhere, but they don't have that. There's just like one sad little light box that has the six guns we've already seen in this movie in a little fucking backlit diorama and

then another that has two fucking swords in two swords in a shoebox with a flashlight on it. Yeah. Yeah, but everything's really white. So it is like, oh, we only have two. My mom made me sell the rest of my swords. I only have two. I can't live in the basement if I don't sell the swords. Yeah, right. Right. So, but they walk into the sad little weapons room and who's there but Denise Richards. It took me a minute though to realize that was her. I didn't even know who that was but I looked her up. Yeah, so she was in a couple of movies I've seen I guess.

But yeah. Oh yeah, I was like wait I recognize her and then I was like oh my god holy shit it's her but she's had lots of plastic surgery but like honestly her plastic surgery is pretty good. Yeah she looks great. She looks hot. I like her glasses in this. Yeah, she's pretty good. Yeah, she looks great. She looks all right. She looks hot. I like her glasses in this. Yeah, she's a good wardrobe.

I love how they're just like clearly just dramatic glasses. She takes them off to make a point and it doesn't affect the way she's seeing things in any way. I think what happened is they were like, we want you to be in our movie. And she was like, no. And then they were like, can you pretty please be in our movie?

And she was like, only if I look really hot and do really cool shit and I'm only in it for one scene She was like one question are there sword gloves? Do I get? Actually, there are sword gloves. She's on board. So yeah, so but she's in a lab coat and She's there to give each of them their signature weapon like the ninja turtles. Yeah Yeah, this American weapons expert has a lair in Georgia. Yes. Where she's just waiting around for these people to show up her whole life. It's the best. And also she's like the substitute weapons guy, because they're like, I thought we were

going to see Newton. She's like, well, Newton is on vacation, so I'm Deborah. So I'm going to be filling in in this instance. What is the point of that? I don't know. I'm going to be filling in in this instance. What is the point of that? I told you. I'm going to. This is like a barbershop scenario. I'm going to wait for Newton.

I don't know you. Probably going to give me a fire sword that doesn't even fucking work or something. And that's what happens. Yes. Yeah. She gives each of them weapons. She says, you're the sharpshooter, right? And he's like, I guess I get a gun of some sort.

She's like, nope, throwing knives. He's like, really? Because that's a little, because once you throw them, you got to go over there and get them. That seems like it would be a dumb thing for me to get. And then I guess Leia gets a bow and arrow and also a tube of blue miracle goo. Yeah, she gets elixir that can heal even unknown diseases. What do you think?

So, we're going to use that. That's so weird. Crazy that you would have that. I like that it's explained that the blue miracle vial doesn't always work. It's just like, yeah, here's your weapon. You get this little blue thing. It doesn't always work. Good luck. And also, she says, and your weapon. You get this little blue thing. It doesn't always work. Good luck.

And also she says, and it can't bring people back from the dead. So like when characters die, go ahead and be sad. Right? Like you have to be sad. And then oh, oh, and fucking Paul gets a big chunky gun, right? Like a chunker of a fucking pistol. That's his weapon. Like it's like you get a bow and arrows, you get throwing knives, you get a fucking clock.

And everybody's like, what? Why? I get. Would he get this? Zach Morris's cell phone? I don't understand what to do with it. You get a bow and arrows, you get throwing knives, you get a fucking clock, and everybody's like, what? Why? What did he get this? Is this Zach Morris's cell phone? I don't understand what to do with it. The movie actually knows how silly this thing looks because Denise Richards does a little physical bitch.

She's about to hand the phone gun thing, and she's like, hello, hang on. She holds it up to her ear. It's for you. And she hands it to him. And then, and she's like, but you, Gabe, you're the main character. And he's like, oh, so I guess I get a sword. She's like, you get a sword.

And she hands him the tiniest little, it's not quite a knife, but it's definitely not a sword sword. Yeah, I wrote, Gabriel gets a sword that challenges his manhood. Yeah, right. Yeah. I mean, that is what happens in the scene, right? He gets the flaming letter opener. Yeah. So she says, this is what happens in the scene, right? He gets the flaming letter opener. Yeah.

So she says, this is your flaming sword. And he pulls it out and he's like, it's not on fire. And she says, oh, well, you already paid for it. It's not under warranties. So I guess that's what you have now. And also, and he turns, she's got this fucking grenade launcher there. He's like, you sure I can't have the grenade launcher? She's like, nope, that is my grenade launcher and and fuck off for no reason in my lair

because you're about to save humanity right but I need this just in case and it won't and this is Chekhov's fucking grenade launcher we will never see it again yes I was like so is Denise Richards gonna like come along and help with the giant and you expected her to show up with a fucking grenade launcher, but no, they had. They could only pay her for one day. Two. Yeah. One one day. Two scenes. Yeah. Two scenes. Yeah. They showed him about the same. She's in the same outfit.

Yeah. She's going to do another two minutes and then drive home with Randy Couture. Yeah. Yep. So, yeah. But they go to leave trigger sticks around to flirt with her. So she puts a knife against his testicles, which is nice. Yeah. She would like to not be flirted with. And then we go. So she puts a knife against his testicles, which is nice. Yeah. She would like to not be flirted with. And then we go, we're inside a church. Oh, it's fucking beautiful. It is. Yeah.

Like it's annoying how beautiful every scene in this movie is. I'm like, oh, it's wasted on this movie. Right. Yeah. So, but, but Gabe is going to ask God where the next scene is. They have these very cool statues of like, they're like the lady holding the skull and holding the sword and shit. Fucking awesome. Gorgeous.

And then there's a bang and I'm like, oh my God, is that Jesus hiding behind a fucking, but no, it's Kuba Gooding Jr. again. So he's there to explain the significance of the lady statues and in order to do so, we flash back to his backstory which took place on Middle Earth or something. Yeah, he's fighting winged demons on a bridge that is specifically made for fighting winged

demons and nothing else. It doesn't bring you anywhere. I thought there were dragons at first. Yeah, no there was a... I was I thought there were dragons at first. Yeah, no, there was a was. I was like, there's dragons in the Bible? Pterodactyl demon and humanoid demon. There are dragons. There are dragons in the Bible.

Of course, they're fucking... No, when I saw this bridge, I was like, oh, you know, if you do a fatality on this level, you get to fight noob Sabot. That was just for Heath, Kara. Mortal Kombat fans are loving this. Watch this movie anyway. Yeah. Also, by the way, so, so Cuba's supposed to be fighting these three CGI demons all at

the same time. And he is so half-assing his action sequence. He's like, yeah, I didn't pay me enough to move fast. So I am not going to do that. He looks like he expected a winged demon fight during his afternoon in real life. You forget that, Junior. Just like hanging out.

He's like, yeah, okay. Stab, great. But then we back out of the flashback. Apparently what we've learned from that is that like Gabe Kubikutin Jr. was once a warrior and something, whatever, right? And there's a Dinah and a Joefeo. Is there?

Oh, right. Does that matter? Yeah. So the big statue, Cooper Goodman Jr. poofs into existence to talk to Gabriel. And he's like, that statue's Diana. Don't call her Diana though. Only me and God can call her that.

I was like, I didn't call her anything yet. It's Joefeo to you. All right. Cool, man. Can you give me, you know, Not vague wine clues real quick. Did any of that matter? None of that was a clue, was it? No, none of that mattered at all. But he does give an overt clue. Yes. He's like, by the way, it's you need to remember the demons don't have souls and they can't hear music.

Yes. And then that never matters. Yes. No, no, no. He says, okay, so here's the clue is so stupid. He goes, they can't hear the music. So they have to rely on the spoken word. And he goes, could you just tell me something all the way? And he's like, no.

And then he disappears. Nope. Does that matter? Yes, keep that in mind. I'll tell you when it pays off. I don't remember it matter. Yeah, they they're going to try to make it pay off. So like music is the language of the soul. Demons have no souls.

So they only use language, spoken language, but not musical. Like all of us, we all use spoken language. Yeah, exactly. Thank you. But at this point, I was like, OK, this is awesome. If this turns into a musical because they're singing. Right. So that's because they're singing so that the demons don't know what they're talking they can talk in code by singing that would have been amazing or at the very least at the end of the movie you expected one of them to go I'm gonna sneak up behind the demons and walk to the left.

Instead they're doing the military hand signal thing with like eye point go go go. I was like just sing it man. Yes, obviously. Yeah. Sing it out. All right. Well, it sounds like we're just one dumb riddle away from some more kicky kicky punchy punchy So we'll pause for another break. But first let me give act three the hard sell. Kara's already gone. Can the warriors of peace bring in the laundry before the rain begins? Can our heroes find the place where the forest's heart beats the loudest? What has four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon, and three in the evening? Find out the answers to complete fucking nonsense like that when we return for the pew-pew-tastic

conclusion of… Angels Fallen. Warriors of Peace. Hey Noah, do you think it's a good time to buy Bitcoin? I do not, no. Okay, so you're thinking Ethereum, IOTA, Doge to the Moon? No, I'm not thinking any of that. Why are you buying crypto? Yeah, so I tried cancelling one of my subscriptions and it seems easier if I just, you know, don't

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Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash awful movies. That's rocketmoney.com slash awful movies. Rocketmoney.com slash awful movies. Thanks Noah. Hey, no problem. So what was the subscription that you wanted to cancel? Yeah, it's a fitness app. Oh, is that their sign on your laptop right there?

Don't worry about it. Don't look at the laptop. David Carradine using a Bowflex? You are. So then out of nowhere, a ghost is drinking wine in my kitchen and he told me I have to get a squad together and defeat a fallen angel and his army of demons In order to save humanity and you are the best Sniper I know so

yen, oh You're you're serious. Yikes. No, I am NOT in So we got to defeat a fallen angel and his army of demons in order to save humanity. And you are one of the best snipers I know. So, in? I mean, obviously not. Are you serious? Get the fuck out of here, man.

Dude, what? And you are the best heroin addicted boxer that I know. So, you in? Nah, I'm kinda doing my thing here. Have you tried Paul? I mean, he's okay at boxing. Yeah, I guess I'll try Paul. Okay, so that's the situation, Leia. And Paul, by the way, is totally on board.

So we do have a boxer. That's great. So what about you? You in? So here's the thing, Gabriel. My daughter has cancer? Oh, wow. That's, that's really rough. I'm really sorry to bother you about this.

I shouldn't have even... I'm in. No, I'm in. Wait, what? Seriously? Yeah, she's like a real bummer. Oh, a real bummer. Okay. Well, yeah, it's the end of humanity if we don't meet the demons. So I guess that like...

Yeah, whatever. It doesn't matter. Let's just go. Let's go. OK, now. Hon, you got to take her to chemo. I'm doing a thing with demons. Well, don't do that. OK, bye. And we're back for still more of this shit.

We're going to rejoin the action with an answer to everybody who is going like Hold on a second. That's not all the Denise Richards we get is it yeah, and by action you mean Denise Richards is just standing behind a desk Yes, very silly like weapons depository Playing with her iPad That's like most of her day unless like, know, peace warriors show up needing personalized weapons. Well, right, it's very infrequent that people need a signature weapon,

but yeah, the fucking Edna molds of Christianity over here. But the lights go out. Luckily, she has her night vision, Nintendo Virtual Boy right there. Yep. She's prepared. Yeah, that happens a lot. Demons, they always cut the power prepared. Yeah, that happens a lot.

Demons, they always cut the power first. Right. And then they come and not attack you exactly, but just kind of taunt you and tell you what their plot is, even though it's not, you know, the end of the movie yet. So you can know. Yeah, right. Yeah. So this demon attacks her, yells some exposition, but luckily right next to her virtual boy

were her sword gloves. It's so silly. They're just like wrist mounted. You have four small sword knife things on each hand now. And she attacks the demon with them? Yeah. It works. Well, no.

So what I love is that they show, they can't help but show why this is a terrible weapon because she has to like put on gloves to use them instead of just picking up a sword. So she puts on these gloves and I'm like, hold on, I can't get the second one because I put the first one on and I can't get the wrist part down. Can you help? Can you just? This is like mittens. I love that like, so you wrote, like Noah, you wrote, like what if your butt itches while you're wearing those?

This reminds me, I had this conversation with like a dear friend. I remember when I was in college and his dad was an idiot. And his dad was always trying to invent new, like, I don't know, objects, but none of them were good ideas. So he's the dad from Gremlins? It's amazing.

You know what are great ideas? Gloves, swords, sword gloves. He had this invention. It was a fork and one side of the fork was a knife blade and then the back of the fork was a salt shaker. Wait, what? And he was like, so when you like eat your food, it just like cuts things. was a salt shaker. Wait, what? And he was like, so when you like eat your food, it just like cuts things.

I can't be bothered to take time out from my very fast eating, to be shaking salt all the time. Let's streamline this. Cut my steak with the same utensil I used to eat it with. Be very careful when I put it in my mouth. Yes! So is there like a spring-loaded block of the salt or else you're just always salting? You just you can't turn it upside down. Every time you put it in your mouth you get a little more salt. Just keeps going in his eye.

Alright, this keeps happening. Amazing. It just keeps going in his eye. Alright. Alright, this keeps... Anyway. Amazing. It hurts. So yeah, but she fights the demons with her sword glove. She beheads it. That is the end of Denise Richards in the movie. Yeah.

She goes back to the iPad. Fuck, I scratched the screen. That's what happens with sword gloves. So now, this is amazing. So now we're going to get the payoff for that. This spoken word thing. You see, where has a lot of words, libraries? Is that wait, that's the payoff.

That's the payoff. That was the clue. Yep. Oh, my God. He actually says, well, you know, he was talking about them relying on words. And I'm like, he specifically said spoken word even, but no. What's the biggest word repository in the world? Library.

None of them are spoken. Yes. In your mind. Exactly. What the fuck? It was so bad. But so yeah, so they're all walking around to police you with their weapons, by the way, Leah is just walking around with a goddamn bow and arrow in her hands.

They want they break into the library library is not open, but they're they're sure enough in his interpretation of this clue that they break into the library because of all the words in it. Oh my God, really? That's so bad. I thought they had to go to the library to look up something to like crack some clues. I made this more interesting than it was. They're going where the words are. And they literally tiptoe around the library interminably. They're like, let's all split up so that they can film each of us individually tiptoeing around the library.

Minutes. Plural. Yeah, there's a tiptoeing montage. It's supposed to be all serious because it's like we're Marines, basically. You know, we know how to like splay out and like covertly take over an area. So they're tiptoeing through the library. And we watch Gabriel like tiptoe militarily into the card. The card. He like opens one drawer and looks in it like I'm checking the card catalogs. What are you looking at?

And then make sure there's no demons in there. Right. Yeah, exactly. Tiny drawer full of paper. And this one, right, there's four thousand drawers. It's like, well, this one doesn't have any demons in it. Well, and then look at that. They don't use Dewey decimal here because it's a different country. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. They have the they have their own alphabet. Sperm letters. Yeah. Right. So and then they all gather back up, right? So nothing happens when they're all part. They all split up. They're like, let's split up and walk slowly through the fucking library.

And then they all meet up again. And they're like, let's split up and walk slowly through the fucking library. And then they all meet up again. And they're like, well, that was fucking nothing, I guess. Yeah, because this is the point where they forgot to finish the script. So they're like, we're just going to improv it from here. Right. Do what I say. We'll shoot the scene. We're writing it as we go. Nothing happened in our scene. Yeah, we have to write it.

We have to write our scene. They come. They're like, now demons are here. Cool. Yeah, right. No, they all get together and then the demons attack them once they're all back together. I'm like, ah, it seems like a terrible time for you guys to attack them. And how did the demons show up? Well, they're in hell, but not in hell because the portal to hell is closed. But we maybe forgot that. So there's holes in the floor. do. They do rise up through something.

Well, it's like three centers made of sparks. It only pops up in where the words are. Yes. Right. Right. Yeah. And also, like, this is so unintentionally fucking silly and hilarious because everybody's fighting with like Dungeons and Dragons weapons, except for Paul, who's just over here going pimp pimp with his fucking gun. Giant gun that like never runs out of bullets. So but you know, they're losing the fight, they're just not going to make it.

But just then the warriors of peace show up again for the second time and they do this and then and now they can win the fight and and everybody is happy or something. I don't know the guy literally elbows a demon in the skull in this scene and then the fucking the atheist guy runs up to one demon who's already on the ground shoots him in the face with this tiny ass little fucking gun and then spins it on his finger and blows a smokeless barrel. They're just having fun with it. You're burning a smoke off your laser gun, man?

Your demon laser? And here's the other spot I was talking about where the lack of a multi-cam setup was really hurting them. Getting them in trouble. They all decide to spread out. There's like eight guys now, right? They all decide to spread out on a stairway, all facing the same direction so they can have a conversation together.

So they can break into choreographed dance. I was waiting this whole time for them to sing. Right? Yes. They never sing. The whole fucking movie. Yeah. Right? Yes. They never sing? The whole fucking movie. Just the words. Jesus Christ.

Superstar, so many great options right here. So, but Paul is telling them the mission is hopeless and we'll never win. And Leia's like, no, it's not hopeless. And that's her entire contribution to the scene. Oh wait, is this the part, and maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. You guys tell me, did Paul split off yet?

Yes. This is where he does that. Right. This is where he splits off. Yeah. He's like, I'm going it alone. And we're like, is that so that you can show up later when they're in a fight? Nobody thinks he's like, well, yeah, exactly. So, yeah. But but the demons have have like told, I guess, you know, before they got killed, they told Denise Richards where they were going or they gave her a fucking clue and she figured

it out. Yeah, they go, words. See you later. Yeah. She was like, I know what you mean. Sorry. Words. Didn't want the demons to be able to tell we were talking about words.

So now we have to cut to a place, a cave called God's Fortress. That's where the demons are hiding now that the library has been exposed, I guess. So they drive out there. Now they have to walk up the mountain, right? Because the demons would sense the vibrations of the SUV. Really? Oh, did they explain that? Yes.

That's what the bicep tells that. Yes. Yes. Get a fucking Prius for your Warriors of Peace mission. What happened? Three of you. So they're literally walking this like multi-mile mountain path at elevation in the snow. Nobody has water. Nope.

They're just in their demon fighting clothes. Yep. They don't need to hydrate. They have their weapons. They have their bow and arrow and whatnot. They walked by some ancient heads that the Tbilisi Tourism Bureau insisted that they walk by. Yeah, they're weird, but they're cool. Yeah. Yeah.

And I get up, I went up and I fully like prepared a snack and sat back down during the scene because I missed nothing. No! They just walked. They just walk and then they're like, well, I guess there was nothing there. There was like that night we get the tech. He's checking with his fucking camera. He's like, I'm going to go get my camera.

I'm going to go get my camera. I'm going to go get my camera. I'm going to go get my camera. I'm going to go get my camera. I'm going to go get my camera. I'm going to go get my camera. I'm going to go get my camera. I'm going to go get my camera.

I'm going to go get my camera. I'm going to go get my camera. I'm going to go get my camera. I'm going to go get're like, well, I guess there was nothing there. There was like that night we get the tech, he's checking with his fucking demon view master and he's like, oh, I'm getting demon readings to the left and to the right. And they're like, well, we should split up eight characters is way too many for the audience to keep track of. Oh, is that what that was? Because to me, it looked like he was using night vision during the day just to see worse. Yes.

Like he was like, wow, it is hard to see. I could probably just move these away from my eyes. So that I could just see with my eyes. No, the last time we saw the device, it was night vision. Yes, absolutely. That's what it did the last time it was in the fucking movie. But now it's a demon viewfinder or some shit. Oh, and they're in these cool cliff dwellings.

I definitely Googled all of those. They're all these cool cave towns all over Georgia. Oh, those are so fucking cool. But they're like, oh, no, sorry. I guess Paul hasn't split up. This movie is so hard to keep track of. Paul hasn't split up because he's with them at this point, right? He fights the. Oh, you're right.

Because they've got the A team and B team each get attacked by a different monster. Yeah. They should have had him split up to make the movie, make any fucking sense. Right. Until now. Yeah. Yeah. So but one side gets attacked by an ankylosaurus. I'm team ankylosaurus all the fucking way. I'm so mad that they killed the ankylosaurus and the other one's a more traditional demon looking demon. I called them all budget pans labyrinth monsters. Yeah, really. They felt very, yeah, that was an inspiration here.

The priest gets demon bit though, right? Yeah, and apparently the priest is mortal. Even though earlier, didn't he say he was like an angel or something? I don't know, I did, I missed it. I thought that they had superpowers. Something, you would think, but no, he's, he's demon bit. He's going to need, well, what he's going to need is the best damn medic in the business.

Right. So now they carry the priest back to a church. Now she has her blue ooze with her, right? She's like, no, I'm going to save this file for my kid. You take it or you don't. Yeah. He wants to be a martyr. He's, you know, that's like their no, I'm going to save this file for my kid. You take it or you don't. Yeah. He wants to be a martyr. He's, you know, that's like their fucking weird fever dream.

So they go to this almost, this enormous empty room, which is, you know, clearly a fucking sound stage that they've just put the one little table in with a little bit of medical stuff there. And she's going to doctor him. Right. And he goes, oh, I think it's time for me to meet the good Lord. And she goes, no, it's just a flesh wound. She actually uses the word. It's just a flesh wound. Yeah. But he's like, Oh, well,

I guess I'll be fine in the next scene. Then she's like, you, you sure fucking well. These demons don't bite very hard. Teeth are blunt. They're like kittens. They're like kittens. They bite. It hurts, but it doesn't do any real damage. And I think this is where Paul... It is. Yeah. Paul has a crisis of faith moment.

Yeah. Yeah. He's like, I don't... He's like, this is religious stuff makes... Before I bought into it, but now I don't know, man. And it's like, really? Now that you've seen all the demons? You've seen demons and so now you don't believe in them.

Yeah. I just need a gun and my brain. Yeah. I'm on my own. Yeah. And then he leaves in a snit. What does that mean though? Like, he's going to hunt demons smartly by himself or he's an atheist now and go away. What did the movie think it meant? I don't fucking know.

And it doesn't fucking matter either, right? No. In fact, it makes opposite than sense, right? When it eventually tries to do a reveal to make sense of this, it actually, they go the other way with it. But before we get that, we have to go back to Gabe. He's going to Karen Denise Richards. He wants to speak to her manager about the flaming sword he's got.

And you know from the minute the scene starts, of course the sword needs faith to work. Right. Yes. It's just like the lightsaber. It needs the force. I keep telling people Star Wars is just a stupid religious space. Oh, I'm forwarding all the emails.

100% agree, Kara. Oh, okay. Well, you can email. Story. I'll definitely respond. Yeah, no, Kara. Oh, OK. Well, you can email. He has. I'll definitely respond. Yeah, no, absolutely. Yeah. Fill up his inbox. That's a threat.

Same story. So, yeah, but but only Christians can make the sword flame up because she pulls it out and she's like, what, this flaming sword and boom, it's flaming and he's like, the best the sword works right away when she pulls it like

like he couldn't open a jar and she's like, ha ha idiot. There you go. And why is it in all of these stupid fucking movies, the one who ostensibly has no faith is the only one in the movie who's had faith the whole time. Yeah, right. Like, he's the only guy who's like, sure, I'll fucking unwaveringly follow these weird mandates from a ghost.

Right. And fight demons for it. But I'm not sure if I believe in God though. Yeah. That's so stupid. Yeah, that's a pretty good deal of faith to recruit a team and fly them to Georgia on a hunch about a wine clue from a ghost in your kitchen. Yeah.

There's a lot of faith. A lot of faith. But he needs like 10 more pep talks before he gets his faith back. Right. We need to be a little deeper in Act back. Yeah. Well, you're right. We need to be a little deeper in Act three. Yeah.

Yeah. Any chance you know anybody named like, I don't know, father father or something about faith that could help you? No, talk to father father or any priest really. So then we cut to fucking biceps doing his come hither knife kata. Right. come hither knife kata. Right? The, the big guy who's the warrior of peace. He's dancing with a knife when trigger comes up and says, Hey, are we buddies now? And he's like, yeah, we're buddies now.

What is this scene? Oh, this is this actor doing sword kata. And then another actor walking up and him being like, Oh, are we filming this? We're in the scene. Cool. Nice. Let's talk about it. And then it evolves into like, also, I take care of orphans. Yes, right. He's like, what is this completely off the rails? He goes, could you trigger says, Hey, can you teach me that awesome knife, Kata? And he's like, Oh, well, as soon as I'm done volunteering at the orphanage and we're like, what is happening? Why? Why do you volunteer at the orphanage? I was an orphan. I was an orphan too. Can we be

best friends? Yes. This is so stupid. This is what a man thinks is like a heartwarming vulnerable moment. This is the writer being like, I'm going to humanize these guys. I'm going to get in touch with my feminine side here. Like what? And they take a time out from saving the fate of humanity to do a little volunteer work. A little volunteer work at the orphanage.

They literally go to the orphanage. So we cut to them. They're leaving the orphanage together. They're like walking away going, we sure did have fun volunteering at the orphanage today, didn't we? And just then, sweaty guy comes up and sweats at them. So he runs away, they give chase. Why? All he did was sweat at you. Okay. Because he's evil. I loved how this happened. It plays out. So the demons were apparently staking out the orphanage because it's like, you know,

staying at the den of iniquity. It's like the opposite. So they were staking out the orphanage. And they go for the, it's the demons have motorcycles. They go for the run them over with motorcycles move. Right. Which I don't think that's a thing. I don't.

I feel like motorcycles would make the fight harder for you if you had to stay in a motorcycle the whole time Especially if you're doing a lot of wheelies for no reason seems like it would make it harder I'm not a thematic wheelies, so they do one motorcycle charge It does nothing because that's nothing and then the demons are all of a sudden the ones running away on Motorcycle just like weird power dynamic shifted guys, right? then the demons are all of a sudden the ones running away on motorcycles. Oh yeah, it's weird. Power dynamic shifted guys, right? We said we're switching, and now the good guys are chasing bad guys. They got the ball, I guess.

It's weird. Right, right, yeah. They ate a fucking power pellet. And so now they're chasing, now the bad guys are a demons and B on motorcycles. So you'd think chasing them on foot is really like a doomed venture altogether. But no, they catch up with actually get I'm sorry. He gets ahead of them. Biceps gets ahead of them and does a roundhouse kick and kicks the demon off the motorcycle

in the fucking face as he drives by. Wet dream this whole movie. Yeah right. White nationalist, cis male, wet dream. Non Euclidean space. Yeah right yeah. And so but he grabs the demon and he's like ah now that I beat you up I can interrogate you and the demon's like ha die on purpose and he dies on purpose

So he gets nothing so that was nothing so that we we cut to gabe the best transition So that was nothing nothing happened there script so many times So then we we cut to gabe he's looking in the mirror he's trying to do the Are you talking to me scene? But he's got his little his little sword mirror. He's trying to do the, are you talking to me scene? But he's got his little, his little sword lit and he's trying to coax some fire out of it. It's so good. He's practicing in the mirror to see if he looks cool when he pulls out the same sword.

I don't know why, because you would be able to tell whether or not there was a mirror if your sword was on fire. Yeah, you could just look. Yeah, he's got to see his face. And then of course the priest walks in and he's like, you know, the definition of... My ass is not fucking definition of priest. It's never been anyone's definition of insanity.

And then he's literally like, Father, how do I face? Like that's the scene, right? That's what we... And then he's like, Gabriel, until you trust that your penis can overcome evil, you will never be a real life man god. Like that is the scene.

He has this incredibly stupid line. The priest goes, you know, you may have the resolve to run towards the ledge, but do you believe someone will catch you when you jump? And I wrote in my fucking notes, man, that is the clumsiest goddamn foreshadowing in history that he's going to have to run to a ledge and jump, but he's not going to. It's amazing. It's meaningless. Sometimes it's figurative.

I guess. Sometimes it's literal, but we're not going to tell you. And sometimes. So that was nothing. Yes. So that was nothing. Well, yeah. And then tech, the atheist guy, he runs in and he's like, I have some readings or something

on my readings. I know where the next scene is now. I like that this team of godly peace warriors needs an atheist to like do real things every time. Oh, because that was actual technology. It wasn't like magic technology. Right. Right. Yeah.

Because they have a seeker, a seeker? A scryer. Scryer. A scryer. Okay. Seems like they would use the scryer more. Yeah. It is amazing that we went up to the trouble of setting up a scryer and we still have this

guy walking in guy. I got some readings or some shit. I don't know. Yeah. The scryer's got too much on her plate. She's like, I got to do archery. I've got to also like, the scryer's got too much on her plate. She's like, I gotta do archery. I've got to also like use the elixir. And I'm supposed to see the future.

Yeah, it's too much. No, I would totally scry us like the answer to all our problems, but like I don't want to take Farouk. Farouk, what do you have that's probably real? So I got a viewmaster. What did you get on your thing? It's also night vision goggles when the plot calls from them. I don't want to step into any toes, but I could scry the shit out of this if I needed to

So yeah, so now they're walking to one of many lovely forests in Georgia when they're suddenly surrounded by demon wolves And we're like, oh another action sequence and they're like no we know the demon will just disappear and we're like I Mean good I guess now. Yeah. But the demons disappear. And then Paul shows up. Remember when Paul walked away like a scene and a half ago? Well, he's done now.

He's come back. Yeah, how much you want to bet Paul's been turned. Because that's not obvious. But point. Well, the atheist even says, I bet he's been turned. And I was like, no, he probably hasn't been though. I haven't been turned. He goes, you have to believe me, says the worst actor who is incapable of making anyone

believe any of his lines ever. I don't believe you as a meta situation. Right. Yes. Like the characters are, I don't believe, nobody believes you, Paul. So then we cut to some cool ruins. They're not ruins. This is the Chronicles of Georgia, where I guess they've written the history of the nation on all these pillars and on the floor. There's very cool. It's another tourist trap that I spend a lot of time Googling rather than

watching the movie. But yeah, everybody stands around waiting for another action sequence to happen. And yes, it turns out Paul did turn into a bad guy. Duh. Yeah, right. So fucking dumb. He was Michael or Michael was in Paul's body the whole time or something like that. Yeah, that's the other thing.

He wasn't actually turned. They actually tell us here, they take us back to Iraq and they're like, look, you remember how you murdered all those innocent civilians? He's always been a bad guy and we've always been able to use him. And we're like, wait, that is so inconsistent. Why did he? Right. Why would you have him walk away then if he's always been on your side? Right. Because we even flash back to the scene earlier in the movie where they're at the target practice thing and Michael appeared to him at target practice too and apparently killed him and took his body over there. Yeah. So there's like all the, I, I, yeah, I like had my abacus out at this point. I

was like, wait, this doesn't add. Makes no fucking sense. No sense. Paul was killing demons with them in several scenes before this. After he got turned, yes. And then he left in a snit. Was that like an attempt by the demon at lowering morale in the Warriors of Peace? I guess, yeah, because he kept talking about

how they're not gonna fight or they're not gonna whatever. So. The double, double, double cross. Stupid, who's with me that it's stupid, right? Right? Right? I hate doing this. So, okay.

So now it's time to fight lumpy the demon. Right? And so, and every, I love this. Everybody's fighting a demon except for father father who is fighting death. Sweaty guy. Oh, well, yeah. Well, no, he does get stabbed in the heart and I don't it's not just a flesh stab this time. He's really going to die.

And he wants to he wants it. Oh, yeah, he's ready like a fucking statue or some get the fuck out of this movie as quickly as he can. Yeah, I like how Gabriel confronts. Now it's Michael. Paul morphs into Michael to reveal it. And now they're going to fight. So the fight's about to start and Gabriel confronts him is like, hey, fuck you. Now it's Michael, Paul morphs into Michael to reveal it. And now they're going to fight. So the fight's about to start and Gabriel confronts him and is like, Hey, fuck you about the flashback we both just watched in our movie, by the way.

Now we're going to fight. So yeah, but father father gets killed and just as he's dying, he turns to Gabe and he's like, I want you to have my stupid cross thing or whatever. And so that sends Gabe into a flash sideways. Yeah. Right. So he's going to have a vision. Cooper Gooding Jr. shows back up, but he's going to have a vision where he's seeing what Tbilisi will look like if the demons win the fight.

Ooh, I like this scene. I like, I'm not gonna lie, I would probably pay good money to go onto a smoldering ash set like that. Oh, that'd be fucking awesome. Right? Fucking badass. Especially if Kubrick Jr. is gonna dress in a cool robe and tell you a speech about stuff.

And get too many necklaces. Yeah. Lots of necklaces. You notice too, this happens a lot in this movie where there's a doodly-doo and it's almost like it must be like the Zack Morris like timeout. Cause like they're safe. Like he's in the middle of an action sequence. There's a fight going on.

Right. They're going to restart the fight and all the demons were like, we gave him a free timeout for that. So he was obviously he was doing like this space talking about the time out for that. They were just doing it. Obviously he was doing it. He's like, it's in space. Talking about the star. You get a time out for talking about the star. That's on base. Yeah. So, but he's, he goes like, I don't think I can do it.

Kubrick Jr. And, and, and Kubrick goes, well, you, the omnipotent guy never said it would be easy. And he's like, well, but did you hear it? Cause it should be though. If we have on our site and omnipotent guy, he goes, why was I chosen? And he goes, well, for that, we'll have to finish out that flashback from the very beginning of the movie and tell everybody what you saw right before you got shot.

Which we all knew it was going to be a kid. It was a kid. It was just, oh, there's a little girl. And he chose not to murder a child. And because of that, he is somehow a good guy. Like he is a moderately decent human being. Even in the middle of a war, he still wouldn't shoot an innocent nine-year-old. That is what they're going for. That's ridiculous. That's what they're going for.

That he is not a psychopath and therefore a good guy. Yeah. But he's like, you know, everybody has faith in you. Why don't you have faith in yourself, Gabe? And then they flash out. Like, he opens his eyes and they're back in the demon fight. Right. Yep. Okay. I finished my doodly-doo with Balthasar. Let's we now we fight. Now we fight. Cool. No. Yeah, exactly. Time in. And I want to point out two things about Leia at this one,

because she's like, she's like picking off demons like Katniss Everdeen now with her bow and arrow. First of all, she had three arrows we saw over and over again, we got a close up of her quiver. There were three fucking arrows in it. And also like why, like I'm not saying she can't be good with a bow and arrow, but why would she be? You know, she was in the army. They don't give you archery training in the army. So she has to be good with a bow and arrow

and she has to be an apothecary and she has to be still mothering her child with an unknown disease. And what else did she have? She was a scryer. She's the scryer. And she has to see the future because she's a woman. Right. Yeah. Right. Everybody else gets to be mediocre, but if she wants to be on a level playing field with them. All right. All right. Yeah. She's got to have way more talent. Well, it is funny because it's like, it's the patriarchy just sneaking into this jackass's writing that like he's like, well, what would be the point of having the woman? Right? Like, and

he keeps having to answer. Oh yeah, it's not sneaking in. It's fucking tap dancing all over it. Well, right. No, exactly. Yeah, right. It certainly wasn't sneaking around in the Delilah scene. No, it was not. She goes to 77% of heaven, but like some of it's walled off. Yeah, exactly. Penises only this way. The highest glass ceiling.

Well done, sir. So, and then Michael offers Gabe a position in his army. There's actually a point where he goes, and I quote, you think you could beat me? I could beat you with one hand tied behind my back. That's the actual life. So like when you as a writer avoid a cliche, it goes right to this guy, you dodge it and it hits this writer apparently. I wanted Gabriel to be like, cool, tie it.

Yeah. And we had to watch fucking Michael the Archangel be like, oh, okay, okay. Does anybody have rope? Yes. Humans, Real quick. But yeah, but he almost closes his eyes because he's getting beat in the fight. But just then he Jesus flashbacks to back when he had faith in God.

And he believes in God now again. So he grabs his letter opener and he calls upon the flame with the might of his faith. And he gets wings. He totally does. Okay. For like three seconds of budget for wings. And then they're just coming. They open up all big and then they just go right back. And they just go away again and they could not look more like he was standing in front of them. It's just, it's so bad and pointless and hilarious.

I laughed for so fucking long. Me too. God, I literally laughed until it hurt and I was like, oh my God, my heart though. Does he fly? No. No. He just shows wings like a peacock

and then is like, okay, that was enough. I just wanted to show you that. I look bigger when I have the wings, like scared off a bear or something. Yeah. Right. And then he kicks the angel in the nuts, which I mean, like angels don't have testicles, they don't have genitals. I'm like, that's some angel art.

But one way or the other, kicking the bad guy in the nuts right after you grow wings seems a little incongruous to me. Oh, it's completelyuous. It's a good misdirect I guess. They're looking at the wings. Dick punch. Yes. Classic move. But he stabs the angel with his fire sword and Sweaty comes up and and Michael's like help me Sweaty help me but Sweaty won't help him because he's a demon and he's a bad guy. Yeah, it's kind of interesting, right? He like turns on him and then he's like, I'm all sad. I'm defeated. And then Satan shows up. Oh my God. I'm very disappointed in you, Michael.

Satan zoops in for a quick HR meeting. Oh my God. Has a stern talking to for our king. I was still trying to recover from the wings Y'all with what's it cuz cuz Satan like it like they're just talking they're like I have defeated you He's like I'll never be defeated and then from off-camera Satan goes well actually you look like you got pretty fucking You hire that army from? You should try zip recruiter.

Zip recruiter.com slash Satan. And then Cooper Gooding Jr. shows up. He's like, am I late to the party? That's literally his line. Am I late to the party? And it's like, well, actually, yeah, we're done fighting now. You could have, you were a warrior. You told us earlier in the movie,

you could have been a use earlier, but no. Him and Satan have a little shit talk. You know, he's like, Satan, Kuba. It's awesome. Hello, Newman. Totally. And then Michael is bees. Yep, yep, then Michael turns into bees.

Michael is bees. I just had this moment, and I know you guys have these moments all the time. This is what you do for a living. But like Balthazar, Lucifer, like this is so stupid. Like how do people in the year 2024 believe in like Zeus? Yes. You know, and the Titans. Right.

And like, like this is the same thing. It is though. And this movie takes it and goes, look how stupid it is. And people are like, yeah, that's bad. Well, that's the amazing thing. Zeus and the Titans are way more logically coherent than this. That's true. They are, right?

Because you don't have to get past the omnibenevolent. Exactly. Polygamy makes a little bit more sense. Absolutely. That's true. They are right because you don't have to get a pass the um, they've omnibenevolent Makes a little bit more. Yes. Absolutely. Yeah. So yeah, so but then so there they've won the day Layouts start seeing the triggers wounds cuz yeah, she's the perfect work is never done, right? And then they're like, you know triggers like I think I'm gonna stay with the Warriors of Peace guys and everybody's like yeah We don't care. Nobody fucking cares to do what we just won because of God we always win What are you talking about? What are you gonna do here? And at this point I was so mad I was like, okay, we're done like they're they just won like what happened to Randy Couture

What happened to Picasso's butcher, the serial killer? There's all of this shit. They're all bees. Just a really, really evil swarm of bees hanging out with each other. Guys, that went really badly. I guess we just do stay like this for a while. I don't know. Hopefully they do a sequel. Oh, good. Very deep cut. I really want to cut in the Is That My Daughter In There clip from what you would call it. So sorry. It's something like some of our very, very dedicated listeners will get that.

No idea where it does. That's it. Nick River. I have a question here. Like, so Balthazar comes back, right? Kuba. As a fucking force ghost yes Yeah, why is he see-through because they're ripping off everything from Star Wars They can't they're trying to make the point that you made that this is just like Star Wars if you think about it Jesus actually did it better first

Right, but it's not but okay But it makes no sense in the movie. Nope. Sure the fuck doesn't. Because he can appear to people. He could be not see through the whole movie. Just normal. We've seen him do it. And the thing is, the trick that they use to make him see through is like, it looks bad.

It does. Like it's worse. It looks like Star Wars in the 70s. Really? Yeah. Yeah. So, and then we get the movie's big finish guys. There was a twist.

Oh my God. It is the dumbest goddamn thing. It makes no sense. So Gabe turns to to Kubrick Jr. and he goes, hold on a second. I've been dead this whole time. Haven't I ever since I got shot in that opening flashback and he's like, just like the sixth sense. But like, can we I mean, I know it's like we could just end it there, but can we sit

with this for a minute? Right, because it makes no goddamn sense. Right, because he had a job. Like, was he like, was the dead guy, was he working on another dead guy's car? The little girl, they go after this, they go to the scene with the little girl with the tea party and we're like, was she a dead little girl with a tea party but she's not he recruits all of his army how he's a dead guy they know he's dead if he got shot in the battle they were with him in yeah I guess maybe that's why they agree

cuz they they're like oh he's right cuz they're surprised to find out showed up it's like hey we need to do this cool shit and they're like, Oh, he's right. Cause they're surprised to find out. He showed up and it was like, Hey, we need to do this cool shit. And they're like, cool. Thought you were dead. Not freaked out at all. Right? Yeah. What?

Yeah, no, none of this makes fucking sense. And just in case you were like in danger of thinking maybe it did add up and you were just remembering wrong, they go back to Tea Party Girl, right? The Tea Party Girl at the beginning. Oh my gosh. The ending is so atrocious. I have nothing to say about this scene. I have no notes. It is unnotable. This scene is horrible. This movie is so bad. So the little girl that so Leia shows up with her daughter who's now cured and has a full head of hair, right?

Like so well, that's how we know she's cured. Right? So like apparently their hair grew really fucking fast after they cured it She might as well shake it out from under the ball But she comes over to the tea party girl and she's like hey You know your neighbor Gabe who has been dead this whole time and as a ghost Gave us something to give to you and we're and she no, he didn't. We saw him in the movie. We saw how it went and he never gave you anything. She's like, and it's a tea set. And now the tea party girl and the sick daughter can have a tea party together.

Yeah, it's it's her tea set broke earlier in the movie and he replaces it with an equally shitty cheap piece. Right. Yeah. And that's the that's the payoff. That's the end of the movie. Right. And that's the payoff. That's the end of the movie. That's the end of the movie. These two little girls playing... He doesn't give her like a flaming demon hunting sword so that she can then protect humanity the next time a portal to hell gets broken.

He's like, oh, and did you notice earlier in the movie when the tea set broke and she was sad, he cried. He did. He had tears in his eyes. What is this movie? I hate it. Who is this for? He was a ghost who is dead and crying about a tea set at that moment, according to the movie. Yeah. And the reveal? Apparently. And the whole time, he must have bought that in George and held onto it, sent it through the astral plane. I guess. Okay. Just to be clear about God's plan.

God needed help. First of all, absurd. God needed help. Mm-hmm. So he put a little girl in the middle of a combat war zone as a decoy to get a soldier from the US side shot by a sniper so he could die, become a recruiting ghost to help out the warriors of peace 13 years later. Yes, that was the plan. Also, God did the Iraq War to set that up.

Mysterious ways. Yeah, well, obviously. Well, that was also to kill Muslims. God did 9-11 to set that up. Thanks, fuck. Yeah, well, obviously, that was also to kill Muslims. God did 9-11 to set that up. Thanks. Fuck. Yeah, right. You redirect all those fucking websites now. Wasn't me. So, yes, but like all great action movies, it ends with a tea party.

And I'm obligated to say it, even though I know your response already. Kara, thank you so much for joining us again this week. This is like, you owe me for this one. Really? Like, whatever we do next is better. $4.99 in Bitcoin plus interest. Yeah. So, well, that's going to do it for our review of Angels Fallen Warriors of Beast.

That's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to make more donuts next week. So Heath, tell us what's on deck. We're going to be watching something called Noah's Ark. I think it's a kids movie, perhaps a cartoon about that. All right. So there's got to be a thousand movies called Noah's Ark. So check our social media. Tim will will send out some links to the correct one if you like to watch along

with us and, you know, just also just don't do that. The whole point is that you don't have to do that. So with that to look forward to, we're gonna bring episode 471 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to Kara. Be sure to check the show notes for links to more from her and perhaps even a huger thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go.

If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash God awful. And they're by early access to an extended ad for your version of every episode. You know, it's a help a ton by leaving a five star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows,

The Scathing Atheist, I Tated D and E Minus and The Scapagradaville wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email coddle from movies at gmail.com Tim Robertson takes care of our social media. Our theme song is written and performed by Ride Slot, Evil Drives on Mars. All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check your life this week for Heath Enright, Eli Bosnic, I'm No Illusions, promise to work hard to earn another check next week. Until then, we'll leave you with a Breakfast Club Gloves. Randy Couture and Picasso's butcher, the serial killer, apparently didn't make the final roster

for the boss fight. They work with a really weird evil swarm of bees at the regional HQ in Scranton. They're on the practice squad. For the Demon Army. Yep. Yep. All right, come on guys. You know what's coming. Somehow the studios gave these clowns even more money to make angels fall in 13 or

whatever you thought of them. Meanwhile, we're out here begging our patrons to help us make mortgage. You have a mortgage? You own property sort of? I do. Congrats. Thanks. Kuba Gooding Jr. went on to angrily ask the Oscar on his mantle what it was looking like. He has an Academy Award. He does? And he deserved it. He's a really good actor. Yeah, but then he did this. And he did this. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm, LLC, copyright 2024, all rights reserved.

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