God Awful Movies - 477: Church of Darkness

Episode Date: October 8, 2024

This week, Cara Santa Maria joins us to stare at an underlit screen and wonder what the hell is supposed to be happening. --- Check out more from Cara on the Talk Nerdy podcast Come see us live in Nashville! https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-nashville-tennessee-tickets-997264413707 If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/

I Was so mad knowing of the pledges that I've fresh asked me to put a thing in my butt I would've been so good at that so Then they were trying to drink alcohol and I was like, no, thank you And they were like, well then do you lose and I was like put stuff up my butt What's this rubric there has to be a section for me exactly. Yeah, I bet I could have destroyed the curve at putting stuff up your butt. That's why they didn't let me in. Godawful...movie!

Welcome back to the Gamcast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian Cinema because the tree missed my fucking house. I'm your host, Noah Lutens, and sitting 700 miles to my immediate left is my good friend Heath and right Heath. Welcome back. Spook-tacular. Let's do it. Isn't it though?

Isn't it? And sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnik. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? Fantastic. Noah, I'm glad we got your AI working again. Yeah, no, absolutely. You sound fantastic. Yep. Thank you. And also joining us from 3,000 miles to my immediate west is science communicator,

TV personality, 911 doer, and host to talk nerdy Kara Santa Maria. Kara, welcome back. I have to say I actually enjoyed this one. Oh, really? Interesting. It's a different vibe. This is the first time this has ever happened and it's this movie? This is a real. Tapping into something here that we might need to unpack.

Is it the John Waters thing? Is it the John Waters aesthetic? It's the aesthetic. It's the aesthetic. It's the aesthetic. This was a hard one not to like. I'm with you. So tell us Heath. It's got a lot of Wes Anderson going on. Yeah, it's really good. I'm with you. So tell us Heath.

It's got a lot of Wes Anderson going on. Yes. I don't think that it does. It does not. That's correct. So tell us Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched Church of Darkness. It's the story of the epic spiritual battle between good and evil being waged every day by good Christian people.

Is it? Well, in reality, it's the story accidentally of a kid reading a few pages from the Bible and then trying to murder a guy from the local rotary club who like seemed like a demon or something. If you think about it. That's more like it. And Eli, how bad was this movie well if you love

the films of three 15 year olds fooling around with the family camcorder but you wish they warned of the dangers of the moose lodge you will love this movie and Kara did love this movie i don't know what that says about her. Okay. Yeah, exactly. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best worst hats? Best worst hats. Hats. Hats. Hats. Hats. Hats. Hats. Hats. Hats. Hats. Hats. Multiple hats. Like multiple time all of our notes are just hats. Hats. Hats. Hats. Hats. I genuinely wrote best worst hat and then I was like wait a minute No, no, there are plural

Insane hats in this movie. Yep. Yeah, and they act like it's not happening They act like the person who wears the insane hat and is like, oh this Insane hat don't focus on it. It's just you know natural I've got a best worst parental advice. Okay. We'll get there. Yeah, I know what that advice is. I'll bring us back. Yeah.

And I'm going to go with best worst. I stole this guy. I put mine in early so nobody else could get this one. I went with best worst lighting. Of course. I couldn't see the lighting. So I don't know. No, you could never see.

So what happened is they couldn't afford the lights to do the movie. And they were like, hey, let's make that an artistic choice. The movie is Church of Darkness. After all, let's film everything in the dark. And it's so and the end result is that you just can't see the goddamn movie. 80 percent of the fucking time. You can't. That's why I like this movie. Yeah. You technically saw a movie so much. Yeah, you technically saw the movie.

You didn't have to look at it. Okay, they have dark scenes. You can't see the movie though during like broad daylight scenes. Yes. It's crazy. That's also true. Somehow the sepia is unable to be white. It's impressive at moments. And I'm going to go with best worst satanic cult. Really? Of all of the satanic cults?

Well, here's my thought, right? It's episode 477. We've seen a lot of satanic cults. We have never seen a satanic cult that uses point of order in their paintings before. Okay, that was the best. The bits that we have written about other satanic cults Happen in this movie. Yeah, I started to write sketches and doodly-doos and then the movie was just like no no we got you For a little while after I said Danny, it's so good. It's just like well now we drink the goat blood of the height

Sorry, just real quick. I think maybe we should speak in order of oppression groups Reverse stack reverse stack if you don't mind should we acknowledge the Native American land that we're yes. Oh my god The only thing missing from this movie is a land acknowledgement All right, well I'll tell you what it's been too long since I got to hang out with y'all. So we're going to keep the break brief. When we come back, we'll dive into the scarcely visible frames that are Church of Darkness. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. And then he tweeted, No, you're the one who's wrong. I mean, can you believe that?

That someone disagreed with you on Twitter? Yes. Okay. Well, I couldn't believe it, Kara. Hey guys, whatcha doing? Yeah, it's time to record the rest of the podcast. Oh, I was just getting some free therapy from Friender Help. I'm sorry, Friender Help? Yeah, you know how if you're considering giving therapy a try, people should try Better Help?

Of course. Better Help is entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. It's great. Right. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. So with FrienderHelp, you never pay at all. You just sort of barf your emotional problems onto the people in your life, and they like, you know, do their best to sympathize and listen but then then you bring up things that should definitely be talked to to a licensed therapist and they're kind of like freeze, right? They freeze. It's way better. I don't think that's better.

No, no, it's definitely not better for anyone. Okay, mademoiselle and monsieur accusatory. What if I can't afford better help huh? Well better help has financial aid available. Yeah and you can use your FSA and HSA dollars for it. Wait really? Really? Take off the mask with better help. Visit betterhelp.com slash awful today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash awful. Alright well thanks for listening anyways Kara.

I was not listening. You were showing me a 345 part slideshow of your Twitter fights. And you listened, so thank you. No, just said she didn't listen. Yeah, I did not. I did not listen. Alright, guys, welcome to the first Writers' Root meeting for Church of Darkness. Wow!

Yeah. So tell us, Craig, what are you thinking? Okay, so it's about this teen, right? He's Christian and he shows up at a town where everyone is a different religion than him. Like, they're all part of a lodge instead. Wow. So scary. Yeah, yeah.

So the kid, he starts exploring around town and he discovers... Dude, you're good. Sorry, what? Yeah man, stop drilling. You have hit oil. We're done. Oh, absolutely, yeah. But I didn't even tell you the plot of the movie. I mean, you didn't tell us every single detail, but we get the basics. I mean, a whole town that isn't Christian?

Dude, stop saying you're gonna give me nightmares. Me too. Wait, but there's like this little demon girl. Yeah, no, that's it. Yeah. So whatever, you know, whatever makes the town that's not Christian tick, you know. Okay, I guess. So lunch?

Totally. Yeah. Yeah. CPK? You could just say California Pizza Kitchen, man. The nickname. You have a nickname for California Pizza Kitchen? Do you guys want to go or not? I don't understand. Yeah, I'm down. I'm down.

Hungry. Let's do it. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to open up on the unusual combination of the Bridgestone media logo and a rated 18 plus warning. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo headphone jack and was like fuck I hit it with my elbow. Ow! Did I turn the movie on by accident? Oh god I hate it. It's so loud. Can I ask a question? Why is this rated 18 plus?

I don't know. I think because the little girl cuts her wrist. Sure. I have to assume that's it. Oh no. I would guess it's because there's an agnostic curious character in it. That, y'all. That'll do it.

No you're right. There is. She says the word evolution at one point and everybody gets angry. She does. Right. That is pretty scary. Cow skull, maybe. Yeah. You guys have to tell me about Bridgestone.

Teach me all the things. Oh, Bridgestone. I thought that was like a tire company. Well, it's one of the terrible, many terrible production companies that we have to know about on this fucking show. Bridgestone is like the next thing up from Donald James Parker, right? Generally speaking. Right.

Yeah. And can I say a lot of people jumped into the game late on Christian movies, right? They saw God's Not Dead and they were like, oh my gosh, we have to have a Christian movie label. But Bridgestone was in it to win it. Looking at you, Affirm Films. Yeah, exactly.

No, yeah. Bridgestone since 1976 have been like, you all want to watch a movie that's your grandma's nightmare? It's why their logo is like the last thing you see before the stroke wins. It's really impressive. That's why I was like pretty confused. Like this movie looked old to me. Yeah.

And the opening shot looked old. And then I looked it up and it was made in 2022. It looks like it was made in 1992. Right. It sounds like it was made in 1992. Right? It sounds like it's recorded on a wax cylinder based on missing. And everything in this shot, this opening shot is incongruous, right?

We got this kid on this train and his clothes don't match the era of the train, which doesn't match the image out the window, which doesn't match the music, which doesn't match the credit font. Like, yeah, it was a headache from the beginning. See, this is why there's sleeper genius in this film. Ooh!

You will see, it builds. I didn't recognize it right away, but it builds. Oh, there's a payoff to the credits being in MS Word Art? Yes. Okay, I like that the kid puts on headphones as if to block the hiss. The microphone! Yes!

And he listens to like horribly angry metal and it was like more pleasant for sure. It sure was. It was actually a happy sounding I thought. It was like happy screamo. For death metal it was pretty happy. It was happy death metal. Yeah. I literally wrote in my notes at this point, okay so we have microphone hiss that transitions

into scream rock because fuck no illusions personally. Yeah right, right, right. Exactly. Okay, this was happy sounding to you, Kira? Yeah, it was. The screaming metal? Yeah, but it was like upbeat. Yeah, I agree. I agree. It was!

So, let the bodies prance upon the floor! So, no- Is this why you actually like this movie? No. I'll tell you why I like this movie when we get to the parts I like. Okay, so we also we have to point out that the sleeper genius opening a line of this fucking movie is they say a journey of a Thousand miles. I'm like, oh, yeah, no open on a cliche like all the great writers do, you know, that's what they say Oh, the writing is not good in this movie Webster's dictionary defines Bible as

in this movie, I will give you that. Webster's dictionary defines Bible as the other book, not this one. Also, how is this kid reading literally the tiniest Bible I've ever seen? It's so small! It's so real. It's like when they paint shit on the head of a pin or whatever. It's that, the Bible. It's weirdly tiny, yes. It's exclusively for stopping bullets in a story that's not true,

and it never stops a bullet in a story. That's not true The bullet in a story that's not true I like that he's got tiny little post-it tabs on his Bible so that he can yeah You know look up answers about life really quick by topic or whatever. No, that's a thing people do. Yeah That's how you know, he's serious. He's reading Ezekiel and he's like practical answers about Bake it with the poop you say okay? That's in Ezekiel yeah sure is so that we get this blurry 1983 s look and title screen that says Church of Darkness I Thought we were gonna play an FMV game for a second right like it was gonna hello detective

Right or go to the spooky house. I thought that this movie was gaslighting me. Like at first I was like, is that in focus? And then they cut to them driving in a car at four miles an hour. Okay. I love this whole scene. Because everything is green screened in this and they haven't green screened the Background like moving fast enough. So it looks like him and this cop are just idling their way into town They're in neutral on a like slight hill Passing them over So now and what we learned from their exposition is that this cop is this teenage kid's new foster dad

Yeah, it takes a while to get there though at first. I think there's like a weird trafficking situation happening a Sexual tension between these two actors makes every scene there in like the sex got too hardcore The kink got too weird. Yep, right and then they yelled action. Yeah, right So they just like everyone just like held the urine off real quick and they were like, hello today. Normal. Yeah. They'll be an angry Protestant couple for the rest of the movie, but it's supposed to be a foster dad and his kid.

And as they're idling along, they pass this building and he says, the kid, David, says to the foster dad, who is the sheriff, he is Sheriff Rob, he says, Hey, is that ominous building important to the plot? And he says, why yes, that is the lodge where the wheel makers meet. Okay. And there's this amazing moment where the voiceover goes, wheel makers. And then the kid goes, what are the wheel makers? Wheelmakers and then the kid goes, what are the wheelmaker? Is indistinguishable from his voice. You guys wanted that to continue through the whole room.

Right. Oh, God, thinking his thoughts and then saying, they just pan over. It's Ron Howard in the back seat. That sounds dumb. Hopefully that's not the name of the antagonist group. The evil. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. And also he says, Hey, can I look in your glove box and see if there's anything damning

in there? He's like, why? Sure. Go ahead. And the kid looks in the glove box and there's a book there called what was it? The Essentials of Life. And as soon as he sees it, the sheriff's like, Oh, don't look at that. That's porn or whatever and closes it.

The transition is actually as clumsy as possible. The sheriff says's like oh don't look at that that's porn or whatever and closes it the transition is actually As clumsy as possible the sheriff says so what do you like to do and he goes can I have gum and I wrote my notes I get it Okay, it felt like the sheriff is fucking that book though, right? I feel like the sheriff is fucking everything Yeah, right cuz when we see what father Edward later, yeah, it's like he's fucking fun. Yeah.

He's fucking everyone. But he turns to the kid in this scene and goes, I like kids and I like small town living and I like police work. And I wrote, yeah, buddy, you don't have to tell us you're clearly a pedophile. Right. It's plain as day. We get it. So yeah, you're divorced.

Someone explain this to me. What is this book? Because they never come back to it. Not? Because they never come back to it. Not only do they never come back to it. Oh, they do. No, his role is very confusing to me. He's a good, bad, good guy. Yes, yeah.

He's joining the cult. We'll talk about it, but he's joining the cult at the beginning of the movie. And then at the end of the movie, he's not in the cult. I was very confused by that. Thank you, because now I can re-watch the movie in my head and it makes more Yeah, he's a police officer So he you know goes to the first few of the satanic cult meetings and he sniffs out the fact that they're wearing hooded all-time and drinking blood

Eventually realizes it. Yeah What they're what they're going for here is that he thinks it's like the fucking moose lodge or whatever It is only slowly realizing that maybe there's something sinister about their blood drinking, you know It feels also very clan. Oh, yeah. It's got deep clan vibes. So maybe he was scared by that Yeah, I almost went with best word choices for who to make the actor of color because for the record They will go with the priest, the sheriff and the villain. It's not a great look.

Yeah. So, okay. So then we get to the sheriff's house, which is weirdly unlit, right? Like, this is when we were first starting to realize that this entire movie was going to be weirdly dark and they get into the house and Sheriff Rob, correct me if I'm wrong, explains how houses work. Mm-hmm. He does.

I mean, it's a foster kid and he's like, foster kids probably don't know about buildings. Dining rooms. With rooms. Et cetera. This one has a door you go into it. What's funny is, and I spent so much of the movie confused about this So I'll clue in the audience He mentions that there's a room full of musical instruments and later we will see this kid go into a building

That's not the room. The kid is going into he's going into the church slash lodge We saw from earlier. Yes, but I kept being like man, this kid's really dedicated to finding a drum set. Oh, because it's just outside. Oh, I thought he was going into the like, divorced dad grass band shed. No. This is when he said, I'd like to explore the town because I am a human boy.

Yeah, exactly. So I have to just, like the dialogue in this movie is clearly like AI generated. They speak in non-human form and then they wait in terminably to respond to the speech. The pauses between the dialogue. If you took all those out, this movie would be half an hour shorter. Right. It would be 45 minutes long.

Yes. Thank you. The first in-person Zoom call is what they were aiming to capture with these performances. It's an aesthetic. Yeah, it's artificial intelligence IQ like 95, 100 maybe something like that. Also, you guys are cool and were probably some level of cooler than I was as a child. 10 p.m. seems like a late curfew, right? No. Not at all.

The kid is like 17 years old. Yeah, the kid's about to turn 18. What was your curfew in high school? I don't want to talk about it. I'm very busy. My internet is bad. Imposed upon yourself out of religious duty or something. My internet is bad.

And I can't answer your question. Unfortunately, yeah. Moodang. So yeah, but then he decides to go to the record store where they also... He goes to the love interest store to see what's available, right? This is the weirdest store. It's like a record store, but when you're flipping through the records, sometimes they're books. Yes.

Yeah. It's like they had one room at the Science Museum to try to turn into the record store, right? Because we've seen a lot of bad set dressing of people's houses into, you know, businesses or hospitals or whatever the case might be. But for some reason, they had a light panel wall available. Yeah. Well, so what's amazing about this is the story calls for a bookstore here, right? Because he goes in and he buys a book, but clearly like between all of them, they didn't have enough books to pull that off, but somebody had a record collection they could use. Right.

100% what happened. And they're like, oh, it could be a record store. That also sells books. And he's like, that also, and they have like four fucking books in this little book bin because that's all they own. And they would have book readings there. Yeah, they'll have book signings there later too. And slam poetry. Oh yeah.

And open mics. So he picks out a book, and he takes it to this cashier girl, and she immediately demands an explanation for why he would be reading a book. I really want her to demand this exposition from everyone who walks up, like she checks out the next guy. Why are you here in town? I live here you do this every time Now so this character's name is Zoe I'm gonna go ahead and tell you that about 43 minutes earlier than the movie does yes, I appreciate you. I just call her angsty record store chick

Oh god, so she's very clearly she's supposed to be dressed edgy, right? Like what the movie keeps signaling to us is like, she dresses a little different than the other kids in town, by which the Bridgestone Media Group means a black t-shirt and a little bit of eyeliner. Yeah. Yeah. She's got Hot Topic vibes. Yeah. Yeah, but she's got like, I didn't actually have the money to go to hot topic, but this is what I could put together with what I have. Right. Right. My pastor did a sermon about how hot topic worships Satan. So I'm allowed to have this black t-shirt from the gap. Yeah. I went to the section of Hobby Lobby that has one black thing. I caught Michael's during Halloween.

He goes, he walks up to the counter and he goes, so where is everyone? Church? And she laughs at the very thought of people in church, right? Yep. And she goes, no, they all hang out at the Springs. He goes, why aren't you there? And I'm like, maybe because she's at fucking work, you goddamn idiot. But she's a Manic Pixie dream girl, so she wouldn't hang out at the springs with the cool kids.

She's different. And as he's walking out, he picks up a flyer for open mic night at the record slash bookstore. I was so excited. I was like, oh my god, please show us open mic night with slam poetry. It's going to be amazing. And yes, they actually It's happening. You wrote your notes. Please show us open mic with slam poetry and I wrote be careful what you wish Exactly that To get a bad scene of open mic. All you have to do is video any open mic Yeah, they managed to do somehow a failure of doing the failure video. Yeah, I thought you were going to say you just have to put on a beret. That

was the direction they took. Yep. So, okay. So now it's time to go home for darkness dinner with Rob. And I just, it's such a little line, but we've all written it in our notes here. I think, you know, three of the four of us have written in our notes here. As he walks in, he goes, yum, this smells good. As though he's like reading English phonetically for the first time or something. The whole script is that. I enjoy these odors of aroma smells today. They tickle my nasal epithelium. But you know, now we know what JD Vance watched in prep for the debate. This was his humaning 101 class. All factory bliss, whatever works. Yup.

That's how you order donuts. I get it. So yeah, and of course, this is where I wrote my notes. I can't tell if the lighting is an artistic choice or an overdue bill. It was an artistic choice, ultimately, but I didn't figure that out quite so early. And this is where Rob tells him, he's like, Hey, I know this is your first night as my foster kid. I totally, it slipped my mind that I'm joining a satanic cult at seven o'clock this evening. And so I've got to run.

Oh, right. That was the meeting. Cause he just said, I have a meeting. Yes. Who has seven PM meetings? I have seven PM. It's a has 7 p.m. meetings? I have 7 p.m. meetings. It's a podcast. Do cops have 7 p.m. meetings? Read a cult. Sorry. So then we cut to the titular Church of Darkness where they're going to be just sort of generically satanning.

Yep. And we start off with this ceremony that they shoot like the pot smoking scenes from that 70s show. Mm hmm. 100%. And it's full satanic cult, right? There's no like what is supposed to be happening in this scene is the sheriff who's at his first meeting is supposed to be like, I'm not so sure about this. But if you were in this room, you would be absolutely sure you were in a satanic cult. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, he's supposed to think he's joining like the Kiwanis Club, but I literally wrote, so Rob is a black landsman? Like I was very lost. Very lost at this point. They finished the cult like in Bartholomew gothies. And then they cut to, again, the thing I loved most about this movie, the post cult meeting small talk. I love that scene.

And when he mentions it He's like hey, it seems like I was very clearly just in a satanic cult just now the other guy goes Hey, that's just Rob May say things rather than body or soul Fridays We're gonna go to TGF right they sit around afterwards talking like coaches after a little league game So you guys want to grab some food? Maybe a Denny's? How's Carol? Is her breast cancer doing any better?

She's doing better. She's doing better. Oh, I'm so glad. I love every choice. I'm going to use it for me though. Y'all have to get your own though. So, and now it's time for David's first day of school. Class has a special guest.

It's the mayor of the town. I don't like this. It's uncomfortable. You don't like the whole bit where he starts flirting with his daughter in the middle of the high school class? I don't like the winks. I don't like the winky vibes to the child. Terrifying.

Guys, why the fuck did that happen in the movie? I don't know. It never makes any sense. I wrote that in my notes. Why did the mayor wink at that child? Yeah. Right. Because we don't know yet that she's his daughter, but that makes it extra weird.

Right, but it never- Makes it extra weird. Nothing with her ever makes any sense. They keep coming back to her as though she's like the key to everything and nothing ever pays off with her. Well, I thought that the plan was going to turn out to be to sacrifice her and I was like, oh, okay. That's why he's doing the winks. That's why he wants her to participate in the pageant. It's like a wicker man thing, right? Where it's all coming together on her. No, I cannot emphasize enough. It's not. So he's just winking at his daughter about her

participation in the pageant. Yeah, about getting dressed up real pretty. Yes, for the quote, enshrinement firelight festival. Oh, I can't wait until we get to that. It's pretty awesome. It's pretty fucking awesome. But in the middle of his announcement about how his daughter's gonna look super hot

for the enshrinement firelight festival, David comes in, he's the new kid in class, so the teacher introduces him. Mid-word. Mid-word. He is in the middle of his enshrinement thing and the teacher's like, hey, shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up. Hey everybody, this is David, he'll be joining our class. Mayor, you were saying? And this is the only time in the entire movie where there's natural talking over people. Oh, you're right. The rest of the time, solid three seconds from question to answer. Yep.

Every time, every time. And so he's taking his seat and one of the bully kids trips him and another bully kid grabs his teeny tiny little Bible and starts making fun of how Christian he is. Yeah. She goes, we got a Jesus freak here. And the hero of the movie, my favorite character,

a girl in the back literally does this. That's exactly right. Literally one person goes, oh, she's my favorite character. Yeah, but so he takes a seat. They make fun of him for being Christian. The mayor explains that everybody needs to volunteer their time for the firelight enshrinement festival thing and Then when he's interrupted by more bullying of David he goes back to the back of the room

You know to get in the middle of it and as he does he he flashes like evil red eyes to David Mm-hmm. I think they were to Jaden. No, well first he flashes red eyes to David, and then he looks over to Jaden and he chastises Jaden for being a bully. Oh, that was an eye flash to David. Well, that's some foreshadowing, isn't it? Except that, like, David will weirdly never go, hey, it's strange how that guy's eyes turned red and he gave me a demonic fucking thing.

Never mention it. Nope. Oh, it happens multiple times in this movie, and everybody acts like it's totally normal. Yeah. It's also accompanied by a which is fucking incredible. Yeah. It's a sarcastic. No, no, no, no, everybody. And it's amazing. And, and then the, the mayor's like, Jaden, don't bully the new kid. And he gives him back his Bible. And that's the end of class. We saw that class from beginning to end, it was two and a half minutes long. And so now it's time for like hanging out outside period. And David just happens upon

a kid. And we didn't mention this earlier, but we established at the beginning that David plays the guitar. And so now he happens upon a kid who's drumming on his bag. Right. So he's like, Oh, well, this must be the best friend character because we're both music. Right? I have to ask, like, why the fuck they didn't just have him drum on something that would have been like a normal height so that he wouldn't have to like bend over to where his chin is touching his fucking knees to do his drumming? I don't know.

This scene is uncomfortable for me and clearly nobody else noticed, but David looks like he had lip filler before the film. Sure. Yeah. And his lips are weirdly, because like the film's not color corrected at all, right? It's just dark. And in this scene, because of the way the light is shining or something, his lips are like salmon colored and it's all I could see.

It looks like he was really fucking cold a lot of the time. Yeah. It was really uncomfortable, this scene. And then the drummer kid is like, you're weird. I don't want to be friends with you. Gets up and goes, but make sure to take his banana. Yeah. Like, I'm so going to use my...

Taking my banana and going home. Also, can we talk about the fact that drummer kid is 97 years old? He's in his 30s. He's clearly so much older than all these other kids. Because David's like an actual teen, right? Yeah, but quite a few of the actors are very old. Well, right. The Jaden kid is like 24, too.

Right. Yeah. Yeah. And then also their other friend with the hair. He's 49, maybe. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, but the kid doesn't, the drummer kid doesn't want to be his friend, not in

act one anyway So then we cut to that night where David is gonna break into the lodge the the satanic lodge And I do not fucking know what the goddamn fucking hell was supposed to be fucking happening in this goddamn No idea. We're all confused. He comes upon a flashback to a different movie. I don't fucking so. So there's two like distinct timelines happening here. One in which David is walking around the lodge and another in which a little girl that will meet later named Elguida is talking to a disembodied demon. I think they're supposed to be happening at the same time. Just like on the other side of the wall. Is it?

Yeah. That's what I was reading. I don't like the fact that he's like yelling the kid's name and the kid isn't responding and the fact that he's like not able to find them. I had no idea what they were going for. I thought maybe it was all in the same room and they just can't see because there's no light. Ignoring each other.

Yeah. Because what I took, wait, tell me if this is wrong. I'm going to name a lot of names here. Not possible, Karen. Ol' Guida. Yeah. The little girl with bags under her eyes is playing with a ghost named Kevin. Yes.

And a demon named Holyo is talking to her. Yeah, Holyo or Holo or something. But because at one point David's like, Kevin, where are you? Yes. So clearly he can hear Ol' Guida. Right, right, he can hear what's going on. Playing with a ghost named Kevin. But he can't seem to find them

as though they're apparitions or something. Yeah, I don't know. I think it's just dark. Yeah. Right. I thought she was like a memory or a flashback, but then later in the movie she'll just be a character. Yeah, she's just a real person. Yeah, she's just a real person. Yeah, that he's never met before.

Also, I want to talk about her and Holyo's conversation, because she's talking to Holyo. He fixes her cow skull for her, which is very nice. Yeah. And then she has a ceremonial dagger. He says, hey, show me how it works. And she immediately slits her wrist. And I feel like that's not how you test a knife sharpness. No, probably not.

But this is also like, again, she's not going to have a slit wrist later. No, true. Right. So what's going on? Yeah. So anyway, so that happens. All of that. And literally the kids like that was weird and just kind of walks.

Yes. Right. That's the other thing. Yeah. David's like, I don't know And just kind of walks. Yes, right. That's the other thing. Yeah, David's like, I don't know. This and the guys, I started in red. I said there's something about this town. I don't think I want that to be part of the movie after this.

And then he walks away. So then we cut to the mayor's house that night. The maid of Rosalita is setting the table. Cool. Only Hispanic character in the movie is a maid. That's cool. Also her kids are Hispanic. One of them's a demon. Can I say, having a maid, I know this isn't, but can I, but it's just from my own place.

Having a maid in a town this small feels weird, right? Okay. Because you're just like, well, there's 10 of us and one of us is my servant. Yeah, right. I think the backstory though is supposed to be that their mom died or something or left. Their mom left. That's very important. The housekeeper like was taking care, like helping around a lot.

So then he was like, you can stay in the guest house. Yes. And he had a guest house. That's the backstory. Yes. And so she has two kids, Ol' Guita. Yeah, she has two kids, Gomez, who is the drummer kid and El Guita, who is demon girl.

And they're all gonna have pizza together tonight. Right, so it's the mayor dad with evil red eyes. It's this daughter that he molests. And that, yeah, that he was winking at. This is gonna be Jaden the bully's girlfriend later. Yeah. Yes. And then, and then the housekeeper and her two kids, Olguida and Gomez.

Okay. Yeah. And so Gomez goes to eat the pizza, but Rosalita stops him and says, we haven't said grace yet. So she says grace and that pisses the demons off. Okay. So they start having the pizza and on the pizza, we show the, they show us the pizza box

and it says wagon wheel pizza on it. Oh shit. So I was like, okay, wheel makers, I guess part of the evil satanic cult plan is like, demonic pizza poisoning possession or something like that. And they're about to start eating. And Rosalita's like, we gotta say grace. And I was like, okay, well that is gonna cancel

the demon magic and it's gonna be like the saving moment at some point. And then the music kicks in. And it was like, yes Heath, it canceled the demon magic. Now a demon is angry and there's a swarm of satanic flies. There's a swarm of the cross turns upside down on the wall I am very confused about what the arrangement is between mayor

possessed guy Mm-hmm and the devil right because I feel like if this happened in my if I'm sitting down for pizza and my maid says grace And then all of a sudden my house is full of flies Next time I talk to the demon. I'm gonna like, hey man, like we're on the same team. I don't like it when people say grace. He's like, yeah, me neither. You control the flies though. Just control the flies because that was really like catching people's attention.

What are you embarrassing yourself on? What would you do? Relax. Okay. But Mayor also seems like unbothered by the flies. Really like catching people's attention. What are you, embarrassing yourself on what would you do? Relax, okay? But Mayor also seems like unbothered by the flies. He kind of like does a little air swap move for a second, but he just keeps eating his pizza and there's literally like a million flies. Right.

Well, you know, those flies are his coworker. I imagine this is very similar to how, you know, Noah and Heath feel when I'm in a meal. Sorry about him. He doesn't like grace. And we should also point out, of course, that there aren when I'm in a meal. Sorry about him. He doesn't like grace. And we should also point out of course that there aren't any flies in the scene. This is just a really sloppily added filter that they put on later. So everybody's just the flies are all the same size, the same distance from the camera and shit and everyone is doing their best to mime.

I like that Rosalita starts hitting everybody with the fly swatter for a second. Yeah, we had some comic relief there. Yeah. I also, I was wearing headphones while I watched this movie and I had to stop because they did exactly the thing I hate where they put a fly sound right into my ear. So I had to like throw my headphones across the room. I'm just saying everyone should use the Sean Penn sound. Right.

Well, there's probably copyright problems or advertisers will get mad. You know, there's all kinds of stuff that happens there. Cowards. Cowards over at Brookstone. Oh, and speaking of comic relief, this is also where the little girl burps up a fly at the end, right? Yeah, looks really demonic and then she burps and she's fine. Okay, feels like she's a demon, right? Like nobody's gonna address that the little girl burps a demon fly. They're just like, yeah. She's very clearly...

No, they're not addressing the flies. And at one point, the daughter goes, it's cold. And then you can see her breath, like, and nobody seems bothered by that either. Well, and the daughter goes like, I'm leaving this house is clearly possessed by demons. And the dad is like, don't you leave here just because there's demons or whatever, because they've had a bad relationship. So then we cut to her, she's making out with her boyfriend, Jaden, the bully from before in a car. I know that from context clues. It's fucking dark. her boyfriend, Jaden, the bully from before in a car. I know that from context clues.

It's fucking dark. You can't goddamn tell in the movie. Also, these actors weren't allowed to kiss. So they just have very clearly leaned into each other, right? While both of their parents stand there with guns on the other one, I assume. And then they leaned backwards again. They just like move their faces around a little bit. Yes. And then there's the daughter has this amazing line

Her name is Leanne and she has this amazing line where she's like I swear I'm never gonna get out of this town It's just cuz it's my 18th birthday, which just so happens to fall on Halloween and a full moon Sorry On Halloween this year and that's a bad coincidence Her birthday falls on Halloween this year, and that's a bad coincidence. And also, okay, so eventually this will also be the anniversary of when the Lodge started. It'll also be David's birthday as well. There'll never be a fucking reason for any of this. It's just everything has to be coincidentally on this same fucking day.

No, there is a reason that they have the same birthday. Oh, that's right. That's right. There is. This movie is way more clever than I'm giving it credit for. You'll never guess. I know. Why would they have the same birthday?

What? So, but then she's like, you know, but clearly my house is haunted because of all the flies. Jaden's like, there was just fucking flies in your house. That's a thing that happens. Let's keep making out. Yeah. He's like, it's not haunted. You guys are just gross.

Right, yeah. The most realistic performance in this movie is the teenage boy who doesn't care about the horrifying things he's being told because it means he's not getting kissed anymore. Yeah. Should be like, yeah, and then blood runs down the walls and he's like, yeah, that sucks.

Anyways... -♪ La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la And then we get the first of Heath's best worsts. We get the mayor waking up in the middle of the night with like a demonic realization that he has to write down. Oh, do you mean when we see Ebenezer Scrooge, the character, wake up? All timey Ebenezer Scrooge sleeping cap. I love it. It's so silly. I really like it. I thought I clicked on a different movie somehow and I was The one other thing I want to point out about this is when he wakes up, right?

So he's like possessed I guess and so the demon will occasionally give him dream Messages and so what we're supposed to be seeing is him wake up and write down one of the dream messages from the demon But they've decided, because you know, it's spooky, that he has one of those big ass candle factory just for decoration candles next to his bed. So we have to watch him wake up, fucking Hulk this, you know, monster energy can sized candle over to his bed, light it with a stove lighter, then write down the demonic message kind of kills the vibe. Right.

Because the stupid fucking movie couldn't use all the light of the lamp. Yeah, exactly. And what's happening here is Satan, the Prince of Darkness, delivering a message. So that means Satan like showed up in this guy's dream slash nightmare and was like, Hey, Satan here. Do you have a dip? here, do you have a, do you have, well, do you have a candle, first of all? Do you need to go get, grab that from across the room?

You can just keep your phone by your bed if you want and use the notes app. Are you signed up for Trello yet? But the message is important, right? What's the message? It is, and I quote, son must find sacrifice, 18th birthday, full moon. What could it mean? Son Must Find Sacrifice 18th Birthday Full Moon.

What could it mean? All right, well now that we've been given an insight onto how the script was written, I suppose we can take another break, but we'll be back in a minute with even more Church of Darkness. Hey podcast listener, I'm Heath Henright here with an important PSA about wasting money. Why you might ask?

Because I'm a coworker of Eli Bosnik. Hey! Eli, would you care to tell the folks at home what you want to spend the company money on this week? 8B network attached storage. Yeah. And why did you do that? Because I didn't know that you

and Noah had backups of our podcast. Did you know the podcast is on the internet? Yes. Exactly. And while you might not be wasting money as actively as Eli here, you might be wasting money on subscriptions you don't use. Most Americans think they spend about $62 a month on subscriptions, but the real number is closer to $300. And that's why there's Rocket Money. What's Rocket Money? Really Kara? I couldn't do last month and Cecil took my point.

Fine. Fine. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. See all of your subscriptions in one place and know exactly where your money is going. For any you don't want anymore, Rocket Money can help you cancel them with a few taps. It's true. Rocket Money will even try to negotiate lower bills for you, sometimes by up to 20%.

They automatically scan your bills to find opportunities to save, then you can ask them to negotiate for you. They'll deal with customer service. Plus, Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of $500 million in cancelled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when they use all the app's features. RocketMoney.com slash Awful Movies. That's RocketMoney.com slash Awful Movies. RocketMoney.com slash Awful Movies. I could also use it for time machines sometimes. Buy one $11 external hard drive.

I don't wanna have to plug it in. Can I have a third of the company? Yes, absolutely. Oh, also yes. Don't. We're gonna. I need it. Ha ha ha ha. Dudes, I can't believe we're joining a satanic cult.

I know, right? So awesome. So awesome. Greetings, brothers. Welcome to the Wheelmakers. The Wheelmakers! Yes! Let us begin by calling this meeting to order.

Nice! Yes! Brother Blood, will you read last week's minutes? Let us begin by calling this meeting to order. Nice, yes! Brother Blood, will you read last week's minutes? Indeed, Darkstar. Meeting was called on the 24th of February at 8.06 p.m. Members present were... Sorry. Yes?

What are you guys doing? I'm reading the minutes. What are the minutes? What is that? They're like a summary of the last meeting. Oh. Okay, but that's boring. Well, I'm sorry.

That's point of order. Sorry, point of what now? It's point of order. It's like the universally recognized system for running meetings. Sorry, this satanic cult has a system for running meetings. Sorry, this satanic cult has a system for running its meetings? Well, you're gonna have a system. Okay, I thought we were gonna sacrifice goats and summon demons and stuff.

Well, we are. You'd know that if you let me finish the minutes. Sorry, fine. Yeah, go ahead. Okay, yeah, sorry. Meeting was called on Sorry, fine. Yeah. Okay. Go ahead. Yeah, sorry. Meeting was called on the 24th of February at 8.06 PM. Members present were Darkstar, Bloodfinder, The Unholy Most High, the Library of Forbidden Knowledge, Chris was also here. Hey! Uh, sorry, quick thing.

Dude! Seriously. Can we, like, vote to skip this part? Well, you would have to make a motion. I make a motion to skip this part Is someone needs to second the motion? Oh my god, I second the motion. Okay, can we skip the talking now? No, we don't have a quorum. What the fuck is a quorum? It's the minimum amount of people needed to vote on something my god. I hate it here is a quorum. It's the minimum amount of people needed to vote on something. My God. I hate it here. So I'm just never going to read my minutes then. Huh? Are

you guys almost done? I've been in the summoning circle for like eight minutes. Not now, Mephisto. Sorry. Sorry. And we're back for more of this shit. And as a reward for sticking around, this movie is going to give us our first fully lit scene in the form of breakfast at the mayor's house the following morning. Yeah, the mayor grabs the maids ass in this scene, right? So they're the yeah, he argues with his daughter for a little bit and then she storms off and they have this moment where this actor very clearly does not want to put his hand on this woman's butt,

whether it's because he's not attracted to her or because he's gay or because he doesn't want to harass this poor lady. He really like the script calls for him to do that. And he touches it as though he's testing hot bath water. Right. Yeah. It really feels like is the stove still on touch rather than sexual harassment? I find it interesting that all of y'all's notes focus on this, like, situation with the mayor. And I cannot, like, the tension between— Sorry, the mayor and the housekeeper. But the tension between the mayor and his daughter is so uncomfortable in this scene.

Oh, yeah. Like, he's like, when did you come home last night? You're a bad girl. I should punish you. And it's just like the kind of porn that people watch who have like really dark shit in their heads. Like this is a very uncomfortable scene. Yeah. And Heath didn't speak for the rest of the podcast.

Guys, was Heath on episode 427? And we're back. Noah's back from vacation. That shit's staying in, baby. You don't understand the concept. The tooth fairy. So, it's so OK. So, but now it's evening so that the scenes won't have to be lit anymore. And Rob is leaving David to go to another meeting, right?

He's like, I'm sorry I got to leave you again. I got another one of these important meetings. So he leaves. Well, wait, before he leaves, he's going to go to another meeting. He's going to go to another meeting. He's David to go to another meeting, right? He's like, I, sorry, I got to leave you again. I got another one of these important meetings. So he leaves. Well, wait, before he leaves, we have three tight jump cuts of them wiping their mouths. I think that's necessary.

Some more of that, that subtle genius of this film. So, but David's going to follow now the cop is in a car and David's on a bike, so good luck with that. But he's gonna follow. And I just love this scene because the filmmaker clearly did not know how to film bike coming towards us. Nope. Right? So he's just clearly running away from the bike as fast as he can and he's going, fuck,

slow down, man, slow down. Right. And the bike's too fast, so he's having to pedal too slow to maintain bikiness. So he's almost falling over. It's fucking amazing. So yeah, but he follows along. And then we cut to the lodge where, okay,

so they wanted the portraits of the three guys that are the main guys in the lodge. They wanted those portraits hanging on the walls, but they didn't have portrait money. This was almost my best worst because someone's the most talented artist in this very small town drew these portraits and they are amazingly bad. Like they're, they're bad in the ways that talented young people who don't work on art enough are bad, right? You're like, oh, that's a pretty good drawing.

You should go online and learn how to draw eyes. Yes, right. Well, and the best thing about them is that two of them, clearly this artist had plenty of time with, and then the third one, it was like, fuck, that's today, right? So the bald guy is just clearly just last minute penciled and the other ones are

like, but none of them have any color to them or anything. They're all drawn on apparently brown paper bags or something. Yeah. So we see those, we cut across all of those and then we get the cult leader, the mayor guy explaining the benefits of cult membership as though they had just bought a timeshare. It's the Satanic Cult Career Fair! Yeah, because they're all like high school children. Guys, it's a demon cult. Definitely like goat blood and stuff, but it's more about college admissions and networking than anything else.

Right? A guy literally, an actual line is, the wheel makers got me into toughs under grass But not graduate school. No, I was realistic here. Yeah, I said no they didn't You didn't get into doubts But yeah, so they but they explained all the great benefits of membership And then Rob who is now a member of the satanic cult goes over to Gomez the drummer kid who is apparently also in the cult And he says hey, you know, you're a new member of the cult. I'm a new member of the cult. We should chat Right. Are they all already in the cult or are they being recruited for the cult?

I think they just were initiated into the cult. Oh, I know that Rob is already in the cult which is but he's like not taking it that seriously Right, right. Yeah, because he doesn't wear the robes and shit. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. It seems like they're both pledging to the cult. They're rushing the cult right now, but they're not sure. That's what I thought about all the children. Yes. But Rob was clearly already in an initiation ceremony.

That happened at the beginning of the movie. Yeah. But it feels weird because he sort of takes 45 year old drummer aside here to be like, I don't know. I I mean they say the network opportunities are great but you got to live in the house I turned off I never pictured this being part of my college experience how many grapes do you think you can fit like I feel like it's so mad knowing of the pledges that I've fresh asked me to put a thing in my butt I would've been so good at that so So then they were like, drink alcohol. And I was like, no, thank you.

And they were like, well, then do you lose? And I was like, put stuff up my butt. What's this rubric? There has to be a section for me. Exactly. Yeah, I bet I could have destroyed the curve at putting stuff up your butt. That's why they didn't let me in. Right. Yeah. That's probably what it was.

Then we get this downright cartoonish... 6 p.m. That was my curfew. I think it was 6 p.m. In college. So then we get this downright cartoonish later that night title card, and we cut to them full on sataning at the cult.

Right? Yeah. But like, their version him full on sataning at the cult, right? Yeah. But like their version of full on sataning is just like the sacrament in every Christian church. Well, right. Like that's the funny thing. They're not that creative. Almost exactly the same.

Right there. Let's symbolically drink blood. Ooh. And we're like, well, you guys are Catholics though. And as acknowledged at the ad break that everyone just listened to, they are literally using point-of-order He calls the meeting to order and then proposes drinking a chalice of goat's blood Yeah, he calls the meeting to order and they're all supposed to say hell

Ho as their like response thing to that and so most of them say hell ho and then one Forgets is like hello. Sorry. Sorry that one guy forgets is like, hello, sorry, sorry. Sorry, sorry. Sorry, sorry. Sorry, sorry. Yeah, let's go over it in that. Well, and also I love how the altar is covered in like the most satanic looking thing

that each of these Christians could find in their kitchen. Right? Mm-hmm. Okay, they keep their blood, which we find out is goat blood, inside of a cheese grotto. Which I found interesting. Can't be good for you, right? Can't be good for you. No, don't let it get to room temperature. Cheese Grotto. Which I found interesting.

Can't be good for you, right? Can't be good for you. Don't let it get to room temperature. Because somebody looked at that cheese grotto and they thought, well, that looks pretty satanic doesn't it? It does. That could be like the blood holder. I have a cheese grotto.

It does look kind of satanic. Margaret, can we use your tablecloth? I'm not saying you have a Satanic tablecloth. She's crying again. So the mayor goes at this point, he goes, I shall pass the torch at the appointed moment and like fucking guy number three or whatever he goes, Oh, so you found your long lost son? And I'm like, that's a good subtle way to bring that point into the plot guys. Well done. Very subtle indeed

Okay, mayor Frank here. The actor is pouring sweat Just so much all over his upper lip the other actors are not sweating so this guy is just a sweater No, it's not hot in that room. Why is he the only one who has to talk fancy in the meeting, too? Yes, he's like thou comest for the darkened age of blood. Yeah, sure Frank. I'll have some blood He needs to have a post meeting meeting where he's like hey guys when I'm doing sort of the heightened language thing I need you to yes and that okay, because yeah yeah sure can't be the response to my challenge That's not a big ass. He kind of does that. No, we'll try to formal that up. Hey, you're really sweaty

Do you want to lose like the heavy cloaks with the hoods cuz it's part of the thing like you're having a lot of trouble There Eli he does that in the scene. He literally is like I need total unquestioned I need total unquestioned obedience. He does? Yup. And a Gatorade. So, but there's also this moment where he's like, and at the appointed time we will do the human sacrifice and everybody else is like, we're going to do it, fucking what? Yeah, they're like, you mean that figuratively, right?

Right. Figuratively. Total obedience. And then they end it by going, so moat it be. Yes! Yeah, what? So moat it be? It's just like, and so it must be in like,

Freemasonry, both of them. Yes, exactly. It's very clearly what someone thought the fancy version of must or might was. That's not what moat means. I'm embarrassed to say it. It comes from a 1390 document that is the oldest known document in Freemasonry. That's how it ends.

And so that's how all the Freemasonry, and so in a lot of the Wiccan and pagan, neo-pagan stuff picked up on that. So so moat it be is like clearly like the one satanic sounding thing they knew. Yeah. I did research for that. That's interesting. So moat it be. Yeah, no did research for that. That's interesting. So, motive B. Yeah, no, I just researched that now, Karen.

Certainly didn't dedicate like 11 years of my life to that dumb shit. That's certainly not how I know. Do you guys know why you're not allowed to be an atheist if you're a Mason? Why's that? Why? Because the big secret they tell you is that God's not real. So, the reason... So, you can't be like, yeah.

You can't start as an atheist. You can't start because then when they do the light thing, they're like, there's no God and you're like, yeah. And they're like, fuck it! How many times did that happen before it became an episode? You have to do formal language in response to my formal language. You gotta set up... It's my favorite thing about them. So, and then we get maybe the most sloppily introduced scene in the entire movie, right? Because we cut to David and he's being woken up by something on the TV. We don't see it.

We just see him watching it and we hear it. And it's Lady Olivia, the occultist who has a new occult book called The Supernatural and You. And she's going to be at the record slash bookstore signing copies of it tomorrow. What to expect when you're expecting a demon baby. It's a weird title. So, okay. So then we cut to Robin and David having darkness breakfast together again. They're having toast. Okay. This was the like Protestant couple moment for me. The most Protestant couple.

It was just like, oh hello, today breakfast. Hello today, oh you're gonna go first with the butter? Okay, okay, okay. And we get like 10, 15 seconds of scratching butter into toast so loudly in complete silence, otherwise it's the best. This is why you need aftercare people, okay? You can't go from a hard scene to breakfast, okay?

You need some cuddles and everyone needs to take a bath. Okay, it feels like this couple had bad sex, right? Like they had really, really... Aftercare! Something awkward happened last night. I feel like Heath just flew right over your competition. Yeah, I sure did. Sure did.

Sure did. This is also where the my best worst comes in. This is when he says, how have you been doing since you got to this town and became my foster son? And he goes, I don't really fit in with the cool kids. And so new dad says, keep trying.

Keep trying! He doesn't say, well, hey, man, you're fine just the way you are. He's like oh well obviously you're not cool enough you better keep trying. To be fair he's talking to David and based on what we know about David so far that is honest advice. I know a lot of people would tell you to be yourself here but you carry around a thumb print sized Bible and say that you're not the kind of person who likes hanging out. So yeah, I'm going to go ahead and want you to give

it an old college try. Also, by the way, were they having toast with butter and then syrup? They poured something on it. Did I see them pour syrup over their toast? Nice. Because they are human. They are human people. Yeah, exactly. We've seen that you put on the and the syrup on the things for breakfast

We are not French. So we did not use the eggs that you are also familiar with I just speak fluid to you. I saw you know, thank you No, is there catching my cake jokes catching my French toast jokes A little bit over here a little bit over there. No illusions right in the center. So So then we get David he's out walking and Elguida the the demon girl decides to demon at him as he walks by the lodge. So she starts teleporting around yelling demon words.

This is like where this where this movie turns for me and I start really vibing with it. When he like runs into the what's his name? Gomez the drummer kid. He runs into his like practice space and he's like, holy shit, there's a demon out there. And he's like, this is just my sister. Yeah. And he goes, I mean, what I meant was I heard you were jamming and playing drums, would you like to be in my band? And I think the 47 year old drummer, Gomez is the best actor in this movie. Sure. Oh, for sure. By far. Sure. Well,

he has 25 years more experience yeah right it's a low bar but yes he is absolutely yeah and there's this great moment where he's like fine we'll be in a band together but don't try to save me okay and David goes listen closely okay okay but then we cut to it's time for the supernatural book signing with Lady Olivia. Now Lady Olivia is dressed like she's about to turn a kid into Tom Hanks. Oh, right. Yeah.

With all of the fucking cultural care that you would expect out of a 1963 Disney cartoon. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. So she's got her little her little fucking salt crystal candles. I'm like, oh, God, I feel like I'm back in Sedona already. And she signs a few books and then David comes up and she stops him and she goes, oh, I have some special things to say to you. You have main character vibes.

Let's talk for a second. You must be the protagonist. Yeah. She can sense that there's some shit going on with David. So he goes to leave and then Manic Pixie dream cashier stops him. Right. And she goes like, what's with you and all this spiritual stuff? That's two whole things now. I don't know. I love this scene. I love everything about this scene.

Right. It's such a vibe. It's giving John Waters. We've got like a housewife in Robin's Egg Blue. We have like the psychic in her lace, the goth chick looking forward. We've got main character energy. He's giving like, Freaks and Geeks main character energy vibe throughout this whole thing. Sure was. John Francis Daly. My Kara Santa Maria vision board is just starting from scratch this episode. I gotta tell you, I really, this puzzle is really coming apart on me.

But this is the point where he finds out that the cashier girl Zoe is a singer. So she can be in his band. Right. She never will be. That never happens. They exchange number because he hands her his phone and she touches it once and she's like, there you go. That's my number.

My number is 16. Four. Yes. So, okay. So then we cut to him jamming him and Gomez are going to jam a little bit. And this is where we finally see that, you know, for a Christian, David rocks pretty fucking hard. He does.

Oh my God. And Gomez is confused by this and says a very human quote. He says, good Christian boys like you only play easy listening, joyful like choir music. Yeah? To which David responds, Jesus can rock, Gomez. He does. He absolutely fucking does. Jesus actually rocks pretty hard, Gomez. He does. He absolutely fucking does. Jesus actually rocks pretty hard, just for your information.

That's like actually a line in the movie. It's pretty awesome. He's fucking dumb. And then, so they rock out, and what he's doing is he's playing the exact same lick over and over again, which I believe contains three notes, and he just does that over and over again, and the scene fades out to them post-jam going, wow, we really jammed pretty fucking hard. We know more than three notes. I'll tell you that. Dude, do you remember when you did one, four, and then five right after it? Oh my God.

Music. So, but yeah, so, but David's like, yeah, I want to start a Christian band and Gomez as well is like, well, I'm not a Christian and I made that very clear to you. He's like doesn't fucking matter. Nope. Doesn't fucking matter. Yeah, he's got this moment and it never matters to the movie, which is so weird. He's like I was in a band called Ajamelech and he's like, oh, what's that from?

And he's like the book that you're the religion of and he's like, oh you're holding it right now. Yeah, you're thumping. I didn't read the whole thing before I dedicated my life to it. And he's like, oh you're holding it right now. Yeah, you're Before I dedicated my life to it This isn't the fucking terms and conditions on a goddamn piece of software man It's the fucking word of God you carry it with you everywhere you fucking go and you haven't read the whole thing How far into it did he get before he committed his life to Christ? Yes, right. You gotta pray.

You gotta get way in there before you get to the Jesus. He's like, OK, it was good. Sounds great. I'm in. I'll do murders if need be. Yeah. To be fair, I bet by the time if I had gotten around to Jeremiah and they had been like, hey, you can either read Jeremiah or just change

Religions I'd have been like oh, yeah change religions, please I don't want to see any more visions board Yeah, so but then they start talking about how demonic the town is right and they have this amazing exchange Where David says I don't know Gomez. Do you ever feel like you're not alone and Gomez goes, no. His answer is no. I'm like, what about when you're not alone, Gomez? Do you feel alone right now?

How do you feel right now? Poor Gomez. Maybe he's never alone. Like, there's like 17 people living in his house. That's true. Yeah. So that's probably fair, yeah. Are you counting the flies? Yeah, exactly. So then we cut to Zoe rocking out the record shop.

Right, so, oh, sorry, sorry. Then we cut to David wearing the douchiest goddamn hat. Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat is always in Hat. Hat. Hat. Hat. Hat.

Hat is always in all caps in our group. That is the only way to write hat. Hat. Oh, this hat, yeah, this hat does not have a lowercase version. No. It's so good. So he's doing his like bike ride to the record store slash bookstore, whatever.

Slash open mic, yeah. Slash open mic yeah slash open mic venue hat hat and the music is like sad Christian bike ride in the dark or whatever but then you find out oh no that's actually the band that's playing that's gigantic yeah yeah and he walks in and I wanted so bad for this band to just completely stop and be like, we hate your hat. And it's Zoe and she's written and I promise you the actor who plays Zoe wrote this song.

It's nonsensical. It's so bad. You know what it feels like? You know when people speak in tongues and then after a while they just start saying the same thing. You're like, it's that but with English words, right? It's the speaking in tongues of actually having English words. In this actor's defense, songstress' defense, if I may,

she has to write a love song, because it is a love song, from the perspective of someone whose family is involved in Christian movie making. Is that what this is? She's like, I wanna... You know, be hot with me. It is literally, if you jump, I jump, then we jump. Nala. There's a line in it that says,

come and join me in a pond made of make believe. It's so fucking dumb. Everything about it is... And it gets. It's so fucking dumb. Everything about it is and it gets it's going to get worse. But yeah, so also I love because there was like I had the subtitles on as I'm watching this and over and over again in this song, the subtitles would go like, I don't fucking know, man. I'm going to my garage and I'm starting music car. OK, I'm done.

I'm fucking done. And everybody starts clapping for the song like a second and a half before it's over. Oh, that was awesome. That felt like just a group think where everybody was like, if we start clapping, they'll pretend they're done. And so they like applaud them off. Yeah, you can't play them off when they're the band. Yeah, it's tough. Yeah. So, yeah.

But it works. So then David goes to flirt with zoe after the show, right? He just walks up interrupts the conversation she's having with another girl walks her away from her admiring fans and starts talking just He's like i'm the main character. We'll talk about me. I'm sorry I don't know if you noticed but my hat is the most important thing in the universe right now I literally have I have no notes on this scene. Oh, do you have a hat? My notes are hat hat Fedora he's wearing a fedora hat. So he actually gives some like exposition that's kind of necessary here. But before he does that, the MC makes this really weird joke.

This was insane. Do you guys remember that? Half of a joke. What was that? Yeah. So the MC does the punchline apparently of a joke that he started before the music and then landed after the music in his head. And then he introduces a slam poet and we get to hear a slam poet. Oh God. The very talented Danny. Danny is the reason people hate poetry y'all. Yep. Actual line from this fucking Vogue on, she says, quote,

Tick-tock as the moon fully glows. There's only a few of us who truly know. Can you please join me in this pond of make believe? I was going to say, no wonder they thought Zoe's lyrics were deep. Yes, right. Right. So and as she's doing her poem, David goes, do you want to not be here? And Zoe's like, oh God, yes.

So they leave. You want to go for a walk? I have a hat. The hat gets taller in this scene. It was fluffed between scenes. The hat gets taller in this scene. It was fluffed between scenes. Before? Oh my God.

Yeah, they get outside and he's like Abe Lincoln with this fedora. It's crazy. But before they go for a walk, he's like, I have to give you some exposition. And she's like, okay, go ahead. And then he says, my mom has schizophrenia. And she explicitly warned me not to come to this town because I might be sacrificed. Yes. He goes, I don't remember. She said something like, whatever you do, don't go to mission point before you turn 18 or something like that. Maybe it rhymes with that. That's his actual line. He's like, he says, she said something like, don't go

to mission point before you turn 18. He's 17 in the movie. Yeah. Yeah. So I, yeah, right. Tension. Tension. So then they decide they're going to hang out next to this random bonfire. And then the movie's like, right, there's not random bonfires. This is probably a satanic thing. Right? Right. Also, I have to point out that in this scene, while they're expositing at each other, she points out that Jayden, the bully, is her older brother. Yes. And then the movie pauses because Jayden's black and she's like, he's adopted and he's like, adopted, right? Yeah.

Adopted. Because you could see David being like, hold on. Like calculating. Are you black? Is it just in your clothes? Can it sometimes just be clothes? If you do enough good deeds, does it just go to your clothes? You just become white and delightful.

But then as they're wandering around, they happen upon some cultists. Now, I don't know why the cultists are outside. They've got a perfectly good lodge, right? Do you also notice at one point, before actually before they find the cultists, he flips out on her because they look at their watch or something. Yes. Well, that's as they find the cultist. Oh, before they find the cultist, he flips out on her because they look at their watch or something. Yes, well that's as they find the cultist. Oh, as they find the cultist. Yeah, and he's like, what time is it?

And she's like, oh shit, it's 10. And he doesn't say it's past my curfew, by the way. What does he say? No, he says crap, it's past my bedtime. To the girl he's trying to fuck. Uh oh, I'm a sweepy boy. Shuckers. Bedtime. Bye. And also, he says this as they are

happening upon a demonic cult doing a satanic. Is that what you're worried about right now, man? Missing curfew? Yep. No, it's bedtime. Not curfew. Bedtime. Oh, right, right. Yeah, exactly. It's going to take me so long to put this hat away and then I have to sleep. I'm not going to make it to bed by until 4 a.m. I have to fold it back down into three dimensions and right. Yeah, exactly. It's gonna take me so long to put this hat away and then I'm not gonna make it to bed by till 4 a.m.

I have to fold it back down into three dimensions and everything. Yeah So yeah So but then they hide as the satanic cult comes out to do a demon summoning of some sort as they're doing that David says we should move closer. I'm like, I don't think that you should man. We fucking talk about okay I have a question about this moment. Uh huh. It's going to happen here. So yeah, they're, they're doing their satanic bonfire out in the woods and they

have a ritual dagger moment, right? Yes. And so main guy, Frank, he's the leader and the mayor. He stabs kind of screw, you know, etches like a satanic symbol in the arm of one of the other guys. And that guy, he screams out, but it's like, owie! Which was funny to me, just the noise of it. Yeah. And then Zoe, who is hearing that, says, that sounds like my dad.

Yep. Yes. Yep. That, that scream in pain. I recognize that scream. Yep. Yes. Yep. That that screaming. I recognize that scream. Yeah. Scream after getting stabbed with a dagger is recognizable to me as my father. Yeah. Yep. You don't know what's going on in their house.

And my the best part about that is David's follow up, because she hears this what's supposed to be this blood curdling scream. And she goes, oh, that sounds like my dad. And David goes, come on, let's go. All right. You know, I'm fucking up. Oh, so. And then dad. And David goes, Come on, let's go. You want to fucking go? Oh, so and then when they get where they're going back, back to walk home, they literally both go, well, that got weird. Yes.

Yes. Well, that got weird. Best scene in the movie. Okay. But to be fair, I think we've all been on a date where someone's done something psychotic and you have to play it off like it wasn't a bad time so that they don't get psychotic to you. So you're like, yeah, no, I mean, that was crazy when you tried to fight the waiter, but like, that was fun. That was a fun time. And to be fair, not two scenes ago, he was asking one of the, he was asking Gomez if he sometimes

feels like he's being watched all the time. And then he told her that he has a mother with schizophrenia who told him not to come back to the town or he'd get sacrificed. So I'd be a little concerned as well. Yeah, no shit. A little bit. A little bit. So, but they had fun stumbling into a satanic meeting together. So they're good.

They make plans together to do some stuff again tomorrow. Oh, and wasn't Rob was also watching the satanic meeting? Yes, he was. From the other side of the woods. Oh, yeah. Sure't Rob was also watching the satanic meeting? Yes, he was from the other side of the woods. He was also watching the girls singing at one point. It looked like it was the way it was cut. It's really hard to tell where he was supposed to be. So then we cut to the next morning.

David and Rob are having darkness breakfast again. Again. Yep. This is like the fourth fucking scene we've had. These people eat breakfast. Rob forgives him for staying out past curfew. I like Rob here. Rob's growing on me. Yep. I think we're starting to see that he's a good guy though. Yeah, right. Right. Exactly. They're starting to reveal that now. Yeah. Because he's checking

up on the cult and he's not so sure about this anymore now that he's drank the blood or whatever. And he's like, you need to stay out of the woods. It's scary in the woods. Yeah. Bad place to be For my son. Slowly sniffing out the cult because he's like, Hey, did you notice like a satanic bonfire type thing by chance? And Dave is like, I did notice that. I sure did. I did. I heard the man be cut. Yeah. So, okay. But this is the actual line though. This movie is so poorly written. Rob Rob says did you hear or see anything last night?

I Because the way the movie's lit maybe he didn't see anybody heard stuff. I'm sure microphone hiss if nothing else I couldn't hear or see over my hat, so no. I saw her fedora hat. That was my night. Yeah, but in answer to the question, did you hear or see anything last night? David goes, yes, what was that? And Rob says, I don't know. I'll figure it out, but stay out of the woods until I do.

So then we cut to Zoe. She's leaving her house and her big brother, Jaden, is bullying her. And this is where he realizes that she's hanging out with David the Jesus freak. This is a weird scene to me because this whole movie is kind of like dark and creepy and everybody lives in like shacks. But then they cut to this house and it's a beach house in Miami for some reason. Yes. You notice that there's like palm trees.

And also like it's so weird because now they're going to try to enact this plan to break up Zoe and David. But like the stakes of this movie are demons and human sacrifice. You can't like this late in the movie go and his relationship is on the line. And who knows if him and Zoe will go to the summer dance. Yeah, right. He doesn't even go here. Also, this doesn't matter to the movie,

but I do have to point out this sort of mini half scene that happens at the end here. For some reason, they now put popular girl, Mayor's daughter, and Demon Little Girl together. And Demon Little Girl shows up and she's like, hey, I got a knife. And Leanne's like, give that to me. You're a shows up and she's like, hey, I got a knife. And Leanne's like, give that to me. You're a kid.

And she's like, oh, okay. This is my favorite scene. No, I love this scene. Okay. This is the scene where everything clicked to me that the aesthetics of this movie are just, it's like sleeper brilliant. Oh, okay.

Is this because I'm Leanne's phone? Yep, because of Leanne's phone, yeah. It's the old timey phone. It's the feathers in her hair. It's like the weirdly bright costuming. I'm so glad I brought this up. It's giving like John Waters at a baptism, like zillennial noir. Like there's something really sexy about the scene.

I'm loving this. And the little girl has this like decorative letter opener. And she's like, don't have that. That'll poke your eye out. Yeah. She does take it from her. Right. She's like like that I'm pretty sure that is my dad's blood athame so really really let's be clear it's a fucking letter open it's a lot better yes yeah satanic looking thing in the kitchen which was a letter opener

yeah okay things Kara likes zennial noir John Waters vibes. Zillennial. And scream angry metal. That's what we learned. Yep. Yep. Yeah. She just said that was upbeat. She didn't say she liked it. Oh no, I did. I kind of liked it. Well, I mean, but you didn't say. There you go. I say now it's all coming together. So then we cut to the library. This is the movie's second fully lit scene.

The library where Zoe and David have decided to spend their date researching the town's mysterious past. Okay. This is such a great red herring, right? Because what they're supposed to find is that Dad Mayor was engaged to someone who's going to turn out to be David's mom. Right. That's the spoiler. Yeah. But because they can't reveal that now this is a movie's not over yet It's smudged in the electronic reader So she says it looks like he was married to someone named Sue cucumber

David reacts like his mom's name is Sue cucumber No, they're gonna find out his secret identity, David Cucumber. Yes, he's actually been a cucumber this whole fucking time. They never correct that. So I guess we are supposed to believe that his mom's name is Sue Cucumber. Of course, and he's David Cucumber. She says it looks like a Sue Cucumber and he looks at her like, come on, take the movie

seriously and she goes, I'm just kidding. It's smudged. I can't read it. But he's like, hey, hold on a second. And he runs away. He's like, I can't tell you what this means yet. It's too early in the movie. And he runs off.

And then we cut to a complete goddamn darkness. And there's like a flashlight that starts shining around. Eventually, we figure out that this is Rob, the sheriff, and he's looking through some old fucking Satan notebooks. Yes, so to clarify, the narrative of the movie is David goes, I'll be right back, and then a different character is doing something. Yes, right, a different character's looking at something

through a flashlight, right. So, but Rob is looking through, I guess, the cult's old notes or whatever whatever and he sees something in a note We don't see what he sees, but he looks directly into the fucking camera afterwards and goes Jesus Christ That's why I got the 18 plus warning Yeah, he's reading like journals from the satanic cult. It's weird that they have like an archivist who keeps their journaling for them in the building.

Well, why else would they be doing the minutes? What else would you do with those? I guess. Dewey decimal and everything. Yeah. So Sheriff Rob reads out loud to himself from one of these journals. And one of the journals says like,

Satan told me to get into journaling like I am right now. And he flips the page and there's a drawing of a wheel and he's like, wheel, wheel, wheel makers. Jesus Christ. Yes. I said out loud to myself also. That's the end of the scene. All right.

Well, now that we're all intrigued or at least mildly confused, I guess we can take another break. But first let me give act three, the hard sell. Will Leanne's plan to break David and Zoe up be successful? Who the fuck cares about shit like that when there are demons about? Did David just forget that the mayor's eyes turned red and Olguida teleported around yelling at him for being a servant of the most high God? Did David just forget that the mayor's eyes turned red and Olguida teleported around yelling at him for being a servant of the Most High God? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the colligenous conclusion

of Church of Darkness. Wake up! Jesus, you guys, what are you doing in my room? Oh, good. Kara, you're awake. Perfect. Hi! No, I wasn't awake.

You woke me. What time is it? It's 4 a.m. But now that you're awake anyway, it's the perfect time to go pumpkin picking. Pumpkin picking? What the hell are you talking about? There aren't any pumpkin patches around here.

Wrong again, Kara. There's actually an adorable little pumpkin patch just five hours away from your apartment. Five hours? If you beat the traffic, yeah. Which we will if we leave now. Why are you doing this? Cause it's fall, Kara. Thank you. Fall. Yes, it's awesome. Guys, if you want to keep things fall, why not slip into an amazing sweater from Quince?

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Well, I guess we don't need to go pumpkin picking after all. Oh, I'm still going pumpkin picking. You are? Yeah, what kind of white woman do you think I am? Awesome. Hooray. Nice. Dude, you gotta stop.

What? I have breakfast time. At four? Slow it down. Kara, Kara gotta stop. What? I have breakfast time. At four? Slow it down. Kara, Kara, we need your help. You have to stop him. Hey guys, is everything okay? You look like you've been crying.

Yeah, so Eli found our weakness. Your weakness? Yes, Kara, our weakness. If you throw a sports guy a baseball, we can't help but exposit the most traumatic moments of our lives. You do? Yeah. Oh, damn it.

Here he comes. Eve, you in here, buddy? I want to hear more about that middle school dance. You have to stop him. I got this. I was a theater kid, too. Give him this. Oh, all right.

Eli, here. Take this. What's this? What is that? It's the lyrics to Little Fall of Rain from Les Mis. You monsters! Wow, just the lyrics, huh? All it takes.

She says you make the flowers grow! I know she does, buddy. You gotta be careful where you point those. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. And we're back for still more of this shit. We're going to rejoin David getting home early and swiping that mysterious book from Rob's glove box. To say I don't understand the timeline of this movie is an underst- I don't understand the timeline of this movie the way I don't understand quantum physics.

Right. I don't understand why his car's there if Rob isn't there, right? But at any rate, so he breaks into the car, he gets that mysterious book, The Essentials of Life or whatever it was, out of it, and he goes inside to read some of it to see what's going on with all the Satanism in this town. And then Father Edward shows up to most definitely not molest David. Yes, right.

So now we haven't met Father Edwards, but they've referred to him a lot. He is the priest that set up this foster care situation that arranged the foster care with, between Rob and David. And he shows up for the first time in the movie. And he's a very large man. He is.

Very large man. They go to sit on the porch to talk. I love this little moment when Father Edwards is like, oh, you're going to take the porch swing. I thought I would. I was going to ask him. I was like, that's fine. I'm a lot bigger than you.

You have a very narrow butt. I guess I'll just rock back and forth in my chair. My butt is much. Your child. Much wider. This hurts. So he goes, David goes, it's weird that you're here. And Father Edwards goes, how so? He goes, well, it's just really plot

convenient for me to have you to talk to. I'm seeking answers. Do you specialize in answers? I found this weird book and he shows the father the essentials of life, which is, I guess, the wheelmakers like evil Bible. Right. But here's the thing. So the way this is supposed to work out is that the priest reads this Bible and reads something that's very non biblical.

But what he's reading about is proper sacrifice, which is very biblical, like, like super biblical. But not the way they do it. I mean, it's better prose, right? Like the Bible has better prose than this. We use a pewter bowl, not a copper bowl for the blood. Come on. We're not fucking crazy. We're false idols over here.

He reads the human sacrifice portion, and I'm not kidding by, or exaggerating, he reads the human sacrifice portion and then he goes, so how's school? Yes, right. Certainly you want to talk about your mom. He's just like, no, nothing on my mind except, you know, the satanic cult that's taken over this town. He goes, oh, all right. Well, if you ever want to talk again, I'm, I'm just a train ride away.

That was rough. You got ghosted by your priest in person. That's how he's going to respond to my memes from now on. Yeah. If you ever want to send me some more memes, I'm just a... Train ride, a flight, and then another train, maybe an Uber. I don't know. I'll probably be there. Also, this line, it really shows the depths of the fucked upery that is Christian thought. When he's literally like, how's my mom? I miss her.

She hears voices. She's schizophrenic. Is she on her meds? How's she doing? And the priest is like, her faith is getting stronger. Yeah, that was, why is that the thing that you thought I would be concerned with you? Piece of shit. How's your schizophrenic mom? That is not how you cure schizophrenia. Who's too sick to take care of you? Well, she believes in my God more than she used to. So I think if I hear her answer, you're welcome. If you need me, I'm just a trade man. She believes in my God more than she used to That's the other thing he's going well if you ever want to talk I'm just a trade where he's like I clearly want to Talk right now. I just said it was nice to have someone to talk to it now you're leaving That's nice for you to have someone to talk to you didn't ask me how nice it is for me I Find you boring.

And you took the fucking swing. I'm eight thousand pounds heavier than you. So so then we check in on David at school. So Jaden, now they've got to enact the plan to break him and Zoe up. So that plan begins with Jaden striking up a conversation and promising to not bully him anymore if he'll be friends with him now. Hey, I'm not setting up a prank. Come to my house alone. In my car? Yes.

I think I missed the whole prank setup thing because all I got from that conversation was that Jayden wanted to start like a group thing. A group thing? Is that not how that scene read? Like a group thing. All right. Like that's totally how that conversation read. I like the movie you were watching better than the one I was watching.

I want you to know I would happily spend the rest of our podcast with Kara saying a group thing in different tones of voice while Heath pretends to understand what those tones of voice mean. Group thing. You know, like after care group thing. Like a 40 year old trying to speak Ebonics. Oh Jesus. For show show Kara Santa Maria a group thing. Like a 40 year old trying to speak ebonics

Show Kara Santa Maria a group That would be part of the group thing I'm learning stuff Save each other some time. We're all cool. We're all cared for We're doing it. Let's just affirm that constant. It's also not like do callbacks to stuff that happened when we weren't recording. I learned what aftercare means. There you go. Everyone's caught up. Also, by the way, okay, small tiny thing in this scene. It starts next to the lockers

in the high school. I'm so glad you said in this scene. I really thought you were gonna take it. She went after him. No, no, no, no, it sounds great. So in this scene, they're at the lockers and there is, first of all, the first thing I noticed, there's a can of La Croix, the sparkling water on top of a locker. And I was like, ooh, the cross, La Croix,

maybe they're going for a thing. I don't think they were. There was just a La Croix there maybe. It was Pomplamoose, which I like. I like that flavor. Okay. But also there were two posters that struck my eye. There's a poster for the football team.

And their mascot is a goat demon silhouette. Oh nice. Little on the nose. It is a little on the nose. I missed that. Also there was a poster for the Spanish club. and the people who made this movie were like, what's Spanish? What's Spain? And they came up with sombreros and the flag of Puerto Rico.

Puerto Rico, which was an interesting choice for the Spanish Club. I think it's a great choice. I don't know why you're questioning that. Spanish comes from Mexico, which is in Puerto Rico. Nailed it. There we go. Nailed it. Got it. As the poster. We didn't want to get sued by Taco Bell. Right.

What? So after school, David goes to Jaden's house to volunteer to be bullied, I guess. Mm-hmm. And ostensibly, he's there to help them work on the float for the enshrinement firelight festival. But no one who made this movie has ever seen a float before. Nope. So they just gave these kids some glue and some scissors, and they're just waving them around.

Yeah. They are. They're just, they're like, they're like twinkle dusting with glitter the ground. Yes. Right. They're like, there's no float. There's no float. There's no float. There's no thing that could eventually be a float. Yeah, but to be fair, later on at the festival, there are no floats.

There are no floats. There's no festival at the fucking festival as it turns out. Spoiler alert. No, this is a great, he goes, so this Wheelmakers thing, is this a religion or a club? And they're like, I don't fucking know me We didn't write it that well He goes, but do you guys believe in God and there was like, oh, yeah Yeah, we believe in God and then the little sister chimes in who we haven't even met this character She chimes in and she goes actually I've been kind of toying with the idea of atheism myself

It's the best, you know science and evolution and such And they're like shut the fuck up Gabby anyway, come on It's the best. You know, science and evolution and such. And the line. Yes! And such. And they're all like, shut the fuck up, Gabby. Anyway. Come on! Anyway, we're making a float for a probably not satanic cult that has a handbook right here. Yes.

Put this paper mache on that chair. And Jayden's so odd here because he's like, again, like being a human boy. He's like, we don't know anything about anything. We just do it because it's tradition. And our parents make us, and what not. Right. And we're supposed to go, you're doing that for the wrong God.

It's okay if you do it for ours, but you're not supposed to do it for the other ones. And such, and what not. And what not. That's where they get you the what not. That's where the aftercare is. I'm like, he then right now, I don't know what that is either. Oh, he sure doesn't know.

I'm gonna, I mean, I like this, it's good. It seems good. It seems like a good idea. Stop approving of it. It's worse than when you didn't understand it. I like it. I like it. I'm Heathen Wright, and I approve this message about learning about aftercare. Concept.

So, but then Leanne shows up and she's got to do this, this like breaking up with, she has to fake fight with Jayden. Yeah. In order to enact the plan because like the plan is they're supposed to start fighting. David's supposed to go, this is awkward. I'm leaving. And then she leaves with him and like seduces him along the way. Yeah. I did not get any of that at first. Well, it's well, the reason we didn't get it is because these actors are bad actors and it's no bad acting within the Mariska doll of bad acting. I'm not. There's no differentiator between the acting they do and the acting they do within the acting

Right. Okay. Are you guys all picturing Mariska Hargitay in Nesting Dolls? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes I bet. Because SVU, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, but David leaves. This is my favorite. I'm sorry. I just, I've never been on an episode with all three of you. And now you know why, Kara.

And my favorite part of this whole show is Noah going, but, but okay. And then we move to plot board and you got... This is a reference to the thing that the audience was... Kara, he cuts those parts. He cuts those parts. You can't reference them. It's how people think there's a park at. He puts it together into a flowing, beautiful narrative, Kara. You can't rip back the curtain like this.

I hope he leaves all this. I eat a soy dog in between each commercial break. You can't tell back the curtain like this. I hope he leaves all this. I eat a soy dog in between each commercial break. You can't tell people about that. No, you can't. It's raw. It's a raw soy dog. It's so gross. All right.

I'm hungry. So hungry. Have another apple cider donut. So now Leanne and David are leaving together and she's like, I know a shortcut through the creepy woods. And he goes, I'm not allowed to go into the woods my foster dad told me they were creepy even though I'm 18 years old what time is it like seven it's almost my bedtime I'm a sweepy oh you weren't in that scene but I told my kind of my lady

friend that I'm a sweepy little bear so I also don't go in the woods because it's a little too Terry. Yeah, I just I look I wrote my nose I bet this is what seducing heat is like, right? She's trying she's like here you want to smoke a joint that'll take that anxiety down a notch and he goes I don't know if I'm allowed to The joint is so it is what it's like big and funny. It's amazing. It's also the wrong drug for somebody who clearly doesn't do drugs to reduce their anxiety. Yes, right. Exactly. No, he won't be looking for ninjas behind anything. Yeah. So she goes, would you like some weed? This really helps with the anxiety you have.

Yeah, no, it helps with the anxiety I have, but not this kid. You won will be paranoid Are you anxious about where your arms are smoke this joint for the first time? So but as he's smoking as he's succumbing to the peer pressure and smoking the drugs Somebody's hiding in the bushes snapping pictures of him. Why they're not they're not using a phone She's using a fucking goddamn camera from 1938 or whatever, for some fucking reason. No, no, no. She's using a cell phone with a case that looks like a phone.

Oh, is that what it is? They're tricking me. It was really dark, so I understand. Yeah. It's just like every other goddamn thing in this movie. Yeah. Kara had to use a government friend to zoom in and hands for her. Yeah, I tell. So she's taking the pictures, and this is where Leanne tries to sort of force kiss him, use like a government friend to zoom in and hands. So she's taking the pictures and this is where Leanne tries to sort of like force kiss him. So they have pictures of him kissing another girl. Right. But they weren't going to let these actors kiss each other.

So she just kind of high fives his chest. And he runs off. He goes, no, I have a girlfriend. I can't lean. I can't have my chest high fived by another girl. OK, does he have a girlfriend? That's exactly the question I was about to ask. No. Well, he took one walk with Zoe. Well, they went to the library together. Based on how Zoe reacts later. Maybe.

Yeah. Well, yeah, exactly. We don't know what happened off camera. Yeah. But so then we get a quick scene where Jaden and his buddies are all sitting around admiring the compromise they got on David. And there's this weird fucking moment, I have no idea what this is doing in the movie, where they're like, we should post this online.

And then somebody's like, well, you know, we don't wanna like embarrass him in front of everybody. Why don't we just DM it to Zoe? And they're like, that would be the more responsible thing to do. Let's just do it this way. That is better, thank you. And that's what they do. We should would be the more responsible thing to do. Let's just do it. That is better. Thank you.

And that's what they do. We should do ethical cyber bullying, right? Hey, Craig, I always want you to feel comfortable to give notes like that because that was really great. Yeah. It's really great. You're welcome. We do snaps for Craig, everybody.

Oh my God, she's back. Do you notice how also like there's weird like,e! Wee! Wee! Wee! Like at times that don't make sense in this movie? Like at non-scary moments? I'm sorry, I was capturing that audio to make it my phone ring forever and ever. Yeah, no that was exactly like they knew there was like a certain number of jump scare sounds that were supposed to accompany a horror movie but they didn't know where they were supposed to go or something.

Or they just told the sound guy, yeah, just litter him in anywhere. And he's just doing it sarcastically now. Yep. So, yeah. So now it's the next day at school. Zoe has seen the compromising video of him getting his chest high five by another woman. So she breaks up with him, I guess, to the extent that they were together. Yeah. How dare he stand still while a girl tugs on his shirt. Yeah he starts to go explain to her and drummer boy stops him and he's like hey hey hey let her cool down plus we need this to still be a misunderstanding for the rest of the story.

You can do the plot if you explain what happened in any way so yeah. He says let her cool off for a minute and I'm like yeah no stewing in our anger before the explanation is always the best strategy. Always good in a relationship misunderstanding to let that misunderstanding drag out. Stew for a while. Yes. And this is just for days on end. Yeah. But he's like, hey, but let's hang out and jam some more after school. Him and him and Gomez, Gomez their best friends now I guess so we cut to them hanging out after school This is where the interstitial comes in because this is the part where they're tossing the apple back and forth

Yeah, like it's the conch shell for more to the flies you get to talk if you have it and year They just have like this awkward pause and then it was like hey, do you want to bond over being troubled youth together? I do want to do that. I'm a troubled youth too. And they give their back stories about mom Schizophrenia and Gomez's dad ran out at some point Why the fuck did they think that we needed his goddamn backstory and we have been given David's backstory 11 fucking times now Well, we needed Gomez's so he could say the line, my mom is super religio. Religio. Whatever it took to get to that line.

My mom's athio. Yeah. My mom's agnosto. It also starts off with Gomez going like, hey man, why don't you stick up for yourself when people bully you? And he's like, because all the other high schoolers are like nine or 10 years older than me, man. It's really awkward.

It's very difficult for me. I just got this Botox. I don't want to fuck it up. Yeah. If you hit me in the lip at this point, oh man, it's just over. It splits wide open. So yeah, but we hear them explain their backstories back and forth with an apple. We learned that Gomez used to be very religious and used to teach Sunday school.

And then he eats the apple because that scene is over. Right? He eats the apple that is so germy at this point. Can you imagine tossing an apple back and forth with a friend and then biting into it? Oh, you could do some weird stuff to Heath's food and he'll still eat it. It's a game that we play behind his back.

So long as there's aftercare, you know? Yeah, like more. Okay. Yeah. Okay. So you're just, okay. I just tell you guys were throwing me food sometimes. You just thought, oh, oh, we are. You didn't notice, it wasn't a little weird that everyone dropped the cookie on the way over to the couch at Matrion. He always goes just that far.

So okay, so then we watched David read the Bible for a little bit. Huh? That sounds fun. And Leanne comes up and she's like, Hey, I'm really sorry about that time when I high fived your chest in the video and made your girlfriend break up with you. Yeah. And he's like, well, I don't, I don't forgive you. And she's like, well, that's not very Christian of you is it? And he's like, I don't fucking care. And she's like, what if I trauma dump for exposition? Yeah, right. Do you forgive me? We're going to turn out to be related at the end.

Maybe we won't ever make that too explicit. You forgive me. You do. Right. Forgive me. I get the feeling that you're the main character. My mom ran out on me when I was very young. And he goes, oh, that's funny. My mom ran out on me when I was very young and he goes, Oh, that's funny. My mom ran out on somebody when she was very young. What weird.

Wonder when your birthday is. The mother is a woman? Yes. I don't know how to get this riddle done. She goes, and I quote, not having a mom is the only truth I've ever known. Yep. What? And this whole scene ends with her going, also my house is possessed.

You should come check it out. Just like I said, I have a thought. I'm in. Oh, by the way, you know what? I meant to mention also my house is possessed by demons. You should come by while we exercise those demons this afternoon. And his fucking response to my house is possessed by demons is, and I quote, what kind of demons,

question that felt like it was about race, right? Cause if they're, he like does the gesture on his arm. I don't want to do the like demons like Jayden or like, like a demons? I don't love hip hop. So interestingly, that is quite consistent with the sort of Christian vibe that we often see in these films. But what's not consistent is this kid is supposed to be like the Jesus kid, right?

Why is he obsessed with the occult? But what's not consistent is this kid is supposed to be like the Jesus kid, right? Why is he obsessed with the occult? Well, I guess he's trying to save the town from it, but yeah, great question. He's in the epic battle between good and evil, Karen. Yeah. Oh. So, but he's like, yeah, I'll come by your house. And so then we go to the house where Lady Olivia, the supernatural chick, she has been called upon to smudge away the demons.

And look, I'm not here to be picky because smudging is nothing, but she's not smudging. She's waving a feather. She's waving a feather with candles. Thank you. He also walks into their house without knocking, which is weird as fuck. He does. Who does that? He doesn't even know these people.

I wanted him to have a much bigger hat here, but sadly, yeah, he's wearing a larger and larger fedora until he's having to roll it on sort of as a Sisyphean boulder. It looks like ancient USA. It's like Burt Reynolds in Celebrity Jeopardy. But he turns to Gomez at one point and he goes, this isn't going to work. And I'm like, yeah, not because it's bullshit, but because it's the wrong kind of bullshit. And then he interrupts everything

He stops Lady Olivia in the middle of this and he says this is you guys are the wrong religion This is stupid. You guys have a stupid religion And she challenges him to a banishing the spirits dance battle. Yes, which is a great move Yeah, he took what he dances back, right? He gets the feather and he throws it because he doesn't know a fucking better and he says Jesus I call upon you to get rid of all the demons in this house and Nothing happens and there's a long pause and he says sorry. Did you not hear me? I look like an idiot. He was probably busy like curing cancer or something

He was probably busy like curing cancer or something. Jesus! Ha! Ha! Ha! I just want to say, I should warm up with something small. Sorry. Hello! Hello!

Take the demons out of this pencil. Hey, hey! Hey, J-Man! I don't say that. I don't know why. You're all making me... It's hot! It's so hot in here!

Sad on my own pulse! At one point he goes, amen, and then he keeps going afterwards. I'm like, you're not allowed to keep going after you, amen. No, yeah, that's like a string-betting poker. You can't say that. You can't go like, I call your five and raise you ten. And wait, you didn't let me finish. When he said, did you not hear me? Oh my God. I laughed and at exactly the same time, all the kids in the room.

We were all bullying David at the same time. We all laughed at him together. He leaves. He's all embarrassed. He leaves and Gomez follows him out and he's like, oh man, that was really embarrassing. He's like, yeah, your family's really embarrassing. He goes, no, I meant you. You know, for you, you were, Hey, Hey, no, you remember when you were like really embarrassing for you for

like eight seconds. He said, did you not hear me just now? To be fair, I do that to Heath after social events sometimes. So, you know, I get it. Doing the Lord's work. What do you think he was hoping would happen physically? Like if you believe that you can summon God to quote clean a house of a demon spirit. What? Yes. What does that look like as a success to you? It probably just looks like the last scene of this movie. Oh, right. Yes. Ripping open. Yeah. Someone belches open some flies. So then we cut to we cut to Rob and Father Edwards chilling on it at an incredibly dark table.

And we have this amazing conversation where Rob is saying to the priest, he goes, you know, there's something not right about this town. I think it might be connected to the satanic cult that I joined. And the father's like, hey, not worse than what you were. And he's like, ha ha, it's true. I did do a lot of satanic sacrifices a lot of people to the devil back in my day I did a lot of that yeah we all go through phases he's had a soul patch and Rob sacrificed people to save

he's had a soul patch every you know he did I have photos I would like some aftercare please you can have some aftercare, please. You can have the aftercare after I show all the people who listen to our show the photos of you at the summer. He's catching on. So, and then there's also a line in here that's just so fucking sad where Rob says, you know, it's just, I'm so lucky. I have my dream job.

I'm a cop in a small town. Yeah, it's sad. That's what you were shooting for, huh? Wolf. Have you guys ever used the word spooky unironically? I don't think so. No, I don't think that's how that word works. They do that a lot in this movie. They talk about how spooky the town is. Yeah.

Yeah. But just then, just as they're trying to figure out if maybe there's something a little off about this satanic cult, David shows up all dejected because God's magic spell didn't work. Yeah. He's like, God abandoned me and made me look like a fool. And I'm like, no, it's the lip fillers, David. But I had a group on. Not working for you.

And Father Edwards is like, now, hey, did you pray to rid those demons because you wanted the demons out or were you trying to look cool in front of all your friends? And he goes, Oh, I was just trying to look cool. Was. He goes, Father Edward says, and I quote, Do you remember when Jesus was on the cross? I thought that was weird. I don't think he remembers that. He wasn't there.

No, he wasn't there. Also, why would you bring up this scene? Because first of all, it's only in one gospel. Also, it's the second weirdest moment of Christ Smith, right? Where everyone's like, Hey, if you came down right now and were like, Waaah! We would all believe in you.

And he's like, I'm going to shit myself and die instead. Yeah. That's the part he brings up. Right. So yeah, Father Edwards is saying like, Hey, you remember when Jesus died on the cross was he putting on a show? Yes, he's on the show in the history of the Christian world.

He put out the sun. There was an earthquake and the walls came crashing down and the sun went out. While he is saying did he put on a show he gives him a cross as a gift. Yes! He's like, was it iconic? And also he goes right from scolding him to the cross. He's like, he's literally like, and it's not to please some ego. I have your birthday gift.

So good. So all right. So then we cut over to the festival of enshrinement and this is because we've seen a lot of times where like they've tried to make a small group look like a big group. I don't think it's ever been as sad as this one. They have a CGI bonfire. Yep. And like 12 people standing next to that.

And no floats. And they're trying to clap and they're all going no, no floats, no, no signs of festivities whatsoever, except that all 12 of them are all at all at the same time. So that feels like a bigger crowd. It doesn't feel bigger. This is also where they announced that the founder of the town was Frank P. Ballspawn. Ballspawn. Yeah. Subtle. Yes, very subtle. But they're here to celebrate the the beginning of the Wheelmakers Lodge a hundred years ago this day and also Halloween and also Leanne's birthday

and also David's birthday as well. There that's what they're there to celebrate. And also the membrane between the evil dark world and the regular world. Well it's also that. And it's thinnest. Obviously. Is anyone not in the climax of their movie right now? Okay, it's all of us. I was just shaking to make sure.

Oh, for fuck's sake. Okay, so, but Leanne and her friends, they don't want to hang out at all this boring enshrinement, satanic stuff. So they go out into the woods to drink beer and smoke weed and engage in risk behaviors. Right. So at one point Leanne has to wander off by herself to go pee and get more beer. And while she's doing that, we cut to David who is breaking into the lodge to try to, I guess, exercise the demons from it. He literally just goes there

because that's where the end of the movie is. Yeah, right, right. Aren't they looking for Olguita? I don't think he is. The mom and Gomez are looking for Olguita. Because they do say, Olguita's missing. Where is she? Oh, probably in that creepy church where she lives.

Yeah, right. We're going to find out that she's missing and probably there in a second. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, the mom comes up to Gomez afterwards and says, you know, where's your sister? And he goes, I don't fucking know. She's like, well, it's almost the finale. So now you guys care about chronology of this movie. Sorry. I have to talk about this one moment. They have Gomez, the 45 year old drummer putting out the fire. But the CGI smoke is not bonfire smoke.

It's smoking rubble smoke. So the CGI fire just instantly turns to like a billowing cloud of signal flare smoke. Yeah, right. Right. But the mayor shows up at the lodge now where David is and he's there to sacrifice David, which is the plan all along. Right. Because the mayor's the bad guy. Lodge now where David is and he's there to sacrifice David Which was the plan all along right because the mayor's the bad guy with the red eyes

Loving this cape. Oh, yeah, he's doing so much cape work. Yes, he's Flipping it around and spinning it doing the Dracula face hide. He's a fuck. He's never felt. Oh, yeah Absolutely, he was mad about David having so much good fedora work that he was allowed to do. Right. Okay. And he's like, I'm doing cape stuff. I think that's why he's so sweaty in that earlier scene is they were like, hey, man, we know you did a lot of cape work, but we still have some more shooting to do. And he was like, I thought I was going to get to go home and shower. I wouldn't have done that.

Cape. I wouldn't have done that. Cape wheel. That's a cart wheel off while you're wearing it. That is shameless. Is anyone wondering? For my face? shower. I wouldn't have done that. I wouldn't have done that. Cape wheel. That's a cart wheel while you're wearing it. It's a shame. For my face. It's fine. I'm sure no one will notice. So yeah, right. So, but Leanne at this point, she runs into Zoe in the woods and she's like, oh, hey, sorry that I faked like your boyfriend was making out with me, but that was just a fake thing and you can forgive him now. The plot actually demands it. And Zoe's

like, Oh, he's in trouble. He's at the lodge. And they're like, Oh, it's almost the finale. Let's all go there. Right. I love that though. I love the gender reversal here. The women go to save the boy. Well, except that they never do any single thing to help save them. They just stand at the edge going, no, but that's more than the fucking adult men do. Okay, no, that's fair. That's true. When they're there. Feminist icon Church of Darkness. Yes. Kara's making a good case.

Is this a good movie? Nope. Yeah. It's not though. I don't know. I don't know. Fried green tomatoes in Church of Darkness are essential safe viewing. I always say that.

No, but there's, okay, so we go to the church, the mayor slash main demon, red-eyed man, is like, now I sacrifice the son before he turns 18. And the two guys who are there, who are like the core, you know, trio members of the cult. The other guys with the portraits, yeah. They're like, oh, he's serious. Let's get the fuck out of here. And they just leave. They just leave.

They run away. They leave David there. And the girls start to run in to save him and they're like, no. And they keep the girls from saving him. They're like, that kid's going to die regardless. We should just get out of here. This is like a family thing. They literally say, this was not in the brochure.

Yeah. So, right. Mayor Frank, now he's a demon, I guess. He's like, except the holy sacrifice. The guy says wait This was not sure like you hadn't know first of all He literally said we're doing a murder and you were like you did wait Did you say we're doing a murder and he's like, yes, I said we're doing a murder and then he barked total obedience. Yeah But these guys are like I thought we were just like getting into tufts underground

I do wish more henchmen would quit though. Right? I would love for all supernatural thrillers and movies to just have one guy in the cult who's like, hey, I actually want to bail. This is getting really shitty. I thought this was just gonna be weird fuck stuff. So I'm gonna go. Do you guys know if I'm can participate in just the fucks? Oh, you know what? I'll ask later.

I'll ask later. You guys seem in the middle of something. His sword clangs to the ground loudly. Sorry. Hey, point of order. Are we stabbing this kid? I feel like we're really close now. And I'm thinking no. Anybody second? No. So there's also this incredible fucking line here where David says to the mayor, because the mayor's got his little athame, right?

His letter opener, and he's trying to stab him with it. And David says, that puny dagger is nothing compared to the sword of the spirit. And I wrote my notes, I'm like, please let Jesus throw this kid a sword. Please, oh please. There, this movie was 100 budget dollars away from him being like,

ah! Ching! Ching! Ching! Ching, ching! Ching, ching, ching, ching! Would've been so good. And we should point out that while this fight

is going on between the two of them, we're getting just the worst imaginable CGI. There's a rift to hell opening up in the floor around them. You mean best worst? It might be so good. Sea lemmings climbing around inside it. 64 pixels. Yeah, no, it would be impossible to fully express how amazingly bad this looks. So, but now Rosalita, the housekeeper, she's had enough of all this satanic bullshit. So she storms in and she starts praying as hard as

she can. Yeah. Cause remember she is religio. But it's in Spanish and Jesus has to get out the little app and do the translation thing. So it's not as helpful as Jesus does it in England. Yeah. So, but yeah, so we get the mayor choking David Rosalita's yelling like Gomez is trying to help Rosalita yells, stay away from that chasm. I'm like, yeah, I thought I think he thought of that. Thanks mom.

I feel like, but then David gets the God power and he picks the mayor up. He grabs him by the throat and picks him up the fucking Darth Vader style apparently. Yeah. Where they like, they crop the bottom of the frame off so you can never see that he's just on his tippy toes. You know he showed that shot to everyone. He was like, pretty good, right? Everybody was like, ah, you can't do that with a home camcorder.

Call me Steven Spielberg, but not Jewish, if you know what I'm saying. Yeah, but he picks him up and he kills the demon part of him. I think he kills the mayor. I think he just kills the guy, right? No, he doesn't. No? He's in the final scene. I wasn't sure you were there.

Yeah. He just exorcises the demon out of him. Okay. I didn't notice him in the last scene, so I wasn't sure you were there. Yeah. I think he just exercises the demon out of him. Okay. I didn't notice him in the last scene, so I wasn't sure. Yeah. He puts his wooden crucifix on his forehead and burns across into his forehead, which is conveniently gone in the next scene also. Yeah. Right. Right. I wanted him to still have it in the next scene. Me too. When he sits down with the hot dog. Hi David, how's it going? Yep. Still healing. Yep.

Still healing. He's got full Manson vibes. So then, yeah. So everything fades out and the voiceover shows up trying to explain what the fuck they were going for with all that sloppy ass CGI. The title card tells us it's one year later. And the voiceover tells us that he's finally found his real family now, now that he's driven the demons out of the city of Mission Point, right? Okay, that VO is fucking weird, because he's like, yeah, God magic is the best. You can murder your secret dad who's a demon.

End of list. One year later. Now there's a food truck, that's fun. Yeah. Oh yeah, the beard's fun. Yeah. Oh yeah. The bearded chef. Yeah.

And they go and he says, Zoe says to him, I guess they're together now. She says, well, you know, it looks like you're leaving for more adventures, but will you come back for the one year anniversary of the thing that just happened? And he's like, didn't the title card literally just say this was one year later? And she's like, we have already forgotten that apparently. And then this is where the mayor comes over and he's like oh I'm so hungry not not filled with demons anymore just clarify. In case no one's curious yeah I guess I'm some of them. I probably have to say that a lot when I introduce myself to people because it's probably gotten around in the remaining year that I was at one point filled with demons.

And to clarify also, no more demon mayor is David's dad. Yes. Right. Yeah. Yep. Are they like living in a house together as if that didn't all happen? I don't know.

I don't know. Well, hopefully we're able to explore that in the sequel, right? Well, I feel like if you're living with that guy now and he's supposed to be your dad dad like every time you're in an argument You're throwing it in his face. Oh, yeah, of course Yeah, I mean who tried to kill you for a while young man. You're 45 minutes late home Oh, oh, yeah, dad. At least I'm not filled with demons

Sacrifice a goat to Satan. Yeah, but then what we see that they are planning a sequel we see the little girl She's still got the Demon dagger and she's still like an all demon II. So, you know, yeah that red eyes transfer to her Demon just got to hang out like when a bad thing happens to a co-worker just like not my circus not my monkeys Kind of doing my own thing Didn't get the attention I was hoping for, but I'm working on it. You know, it's a slow but steady wins the race. That's what they say.

All right. Had a good review. Well, that's the movie. Kara, thanks again. Normally I have a much more florid thanks to give you, but apparently you enjoyed this one. So I'm just going to say thanks again for suffering alongside us this week. Sure. More teens with lip filler. You got it, Kara to say thanks again for suffering alongside us this week. Sure.

More teens with lip filler. You got it, Kara. You've received. Oh, that's what you took. Okay. Yeah. And while that's going to do it for our review of Church of Darkness, that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to lure ourselves back next week.

So Eli, tell us what's on deck. A dysfunctional family of three stopped by a mansion during a storm. Father, stepmother, and child. The child discovers that the elderly owners are magical toy makers and have a haunted collection of dolls. We'll be watching the weirdly Christian 1986 film... Dolls. Alright then.

So, with that to look forward to, we're moving to episode 477 of Immersible Glows. Once again, a huge thanks to Kara for all her help. Be sure to check the show notes to links to hear more from her on Talk Nerdy. Thanks for watching. We'll see you next time. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. social media platforms. If you enjoyed this show, be sure to check our sibling shows the scaling of the citation needed D and D minus and the skeptic rat available wherever podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions

can email god of movies gmail.com Tim Robertson takes care of our social media our theme song was written and performed by what Ryan's lot of people drafts on Mars. All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check of your life this week for Heath and rate Neelay Bosnik I'm no losers promise to work hard to earn another check next week until then we'll leave you with a

breakfast club close I'm an illusionist promising to work hard to earn another check next week. Until then, we'll leave you with Breakfast Club clothes. Atheist Curious Girl is the only person who actually left that town after graduation and can name one sentinel. David and Gomez went on to become the founding members of Cree. Don't worry about the timeline. Kevin the Invisible Demon swears he meant for the kid to just test the knife on a piece of paper or something. Paul found it much harder to get a foothold in town

as a Hispanic child than he did as a middle-aged white guy. Really opened his eyes to some inequality. Did you guys start recording or no? Yes, I record. I record and stopped saying my idea. Okay. All right. One, two, three, four, five. What kind of sex have you never had, Heath? two, three, four, five.

What kind of sex have you never had, Heath? I was going to say, do you want me to text Anne and tell her to do everything? I've never had a sexual experience where I felt like any of the people involved needed, quote, after care. I think that's maybe good, but if you're into stuff where that's needed, I guess that's a good thing. Heath is always needed. I feel like any time that you're inside someone, there's probably a little bit of... I feel like it was care during, so I don't know. And you need care after. I need to have a talk with some of your partners, Steve.

Yeah. Let's get in on... Is Ann in the house? Can you get in on that? Listen, I like to multitask. I do during care. By the way, you're fine after this, Justino. All right. So, very awkward. We did the five count, right? Yeah, okay'll show you that. Um, alright, so very awkward. Uh, we did the five count, right? Yeah, okay. Yeah. A lot of people are afraid to say, am I right during sex, but not even.

This gentlewoman knows what I'm talking about. High five! So as always, Eli, who am I in Interstitial One? You are Craig the writer. Yeah, Craig the Christian movie writer in one. Okay, and I just have my voice. Sure. Okay.

Do a Craig. How can you do a Craig? Make a choice. Make a choice. You can act your choice, Karen. Okay, I'm gonna make a choice. I'm gonna be Craig. All right.

Interstitial one. Take off the mask with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com. I guess that's in the must read, so... Yes, god damn it! You don't want me to take off the mask! You want me to take off the mask with BetterHelp? You don't even fucking know BetterHelp! Every time I see it, I'm like, you don't mean it, better help! I love this. I'm like 90% sure Eli actually has an apple cider donut over there.

That was really good. Acting! I just love the idea that we just did an ad that's like, you can be as stylish as Eli Bosnik. If you're wearing your clothes. From Queen's. And Caribbean like Mongolian cashmere sweaters. From 50 dollars. I just woke up. Ridiculous.

It was a hard turn. I think it was a good acting test. It was a hard turn. We should stop pointing guns at our head during the ads. I think it would really. I mean it's work. Don't fix what ain't broke. Yeah, exactly.

No, exactly. Right. Oh, wait, we're supposed to stop, right?