God Awful Movies - 500: Devil's Knight

Episode Date: April 1, 2025

This week, Cecil Cicirello joins us to celebrate our 500th episode with a review of the B minus masterpiece Devil's Knight. --- Check out more from Cecil on Cognitive Dissonance, the Know Rogan Experience, and Season Liberally --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation and get monthly bonus episodes, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Check out our other shows, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, Citation Needed, and D&D Minus. Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/ Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/

And the greatest tracker in all the world is trying to track down the monster so they have him see like a whole damn tree snapped in half. And then a torn off fucking hand. I'm like, do any of the clues not have a yellow goddamn arrow above them? The hand might as well be pointing in the direction of the bone devil. I wanted him to like, because often, and this is what they do in this, they'll grab a bit of blood and they'll smell the blood and then they'll taste it. I was hoping he was going to lick the end of the hand just to be like, okay, is this

what this is a hand? God awful movie. Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie!

Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie!

Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! He's really going to regret it, but sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnik. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? Episode 500, no illusions. 500 fucking hundred of these we've done.

And to help us celebrate that, we're excited to welcome back the absolute perfect goddamn guest for this fucking movie. He's the co-host of Cognitive Dissonance, the No Rogan Experience, and Citation Needed, and his name is Cecil Cicciarello. That's right. He's graduated to last named him. Cecil, welcome back. Thanks for having me for your 500th episode.

Congratulations, guys. That's awesome. Thanks. Thank you. So tell us, Cecil, what amazing nugget of cinema mastery will we be breaking down today? I say it, I say it. And when I say the name, it gets caught in my throat. It is so amazing.

It is Devil's Night and that is with a K and it also is with a Kevin Sorbo. Yeah, the K stands for K-Sor-S. We have two Ks and the third one is just implied. Yes. So Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love the cinematic mastery of movies like Season of the Witch, but you wish they weren't so well acted and written and lit and shot, you will love this movie.

It's if Season of the Witch had the production values it deserved. Right, yes. No, I can't believe you left out and costumed. That was the worst. Anything that they did. Nowhere did this movie go more hilariously wrong than in the

costume. And let me just say up front, and I know we've already kind of heavily hinted this, but this one is good, Ben. This is a gather your friends together, pop some popcorn, roll a joint and make a night of it beth

Yeah, there is not a frame of this fucking movie that I didn't delight in Absolutely. Yeah, and like a lot of the time when we watch movies We have to be careful about recommending them because we'd be giving the money to direct the evil people But I will personally bankroll Devil's Night to myself. Yes. I've done the calculations in pizza and armor shine. Yeah, man. It's nothing.

It's like a one afternoon at a Spirit Halloween. Yeah. Yeah. It's the money that I had to change back over when I left the UK. We can fund it with the change that I still have. So is there anything you guys wanna nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? I wanna nominate for best worst blood packs.

Oh thank you. In this movie, like most movies when they do a blood pack, they kinda get away from the camera a little cause if you wanna do a sorta quick and dirty blood pack, they just sorta put the blood pack on the skin and then they pretend to cut somebody and then the blood shoots out and it sort of just ejects out of the body. In this day, someone to cover it, they put a blood pack on somebody and then someone choose like a whole bag of flesh colored big league chew

and then they press it over. It's like bubble gum covered. It looks so ridiculous. And they are as like, I'm not kidding. There are blood packs that are like as big as your fist on people's necks They look like giant cysts and they just explode and it is the worst blood work you've ever seen in a movie But it's so amazing. Well, and they're all like in extreme close-up, right? Just move the camera over a couple of degrees and you'll miss it completely. But like, nope, I want to I want to film this blood pack in all its glory. And then it's nice because the movie also becomes a what not to do makeup tutorial. All right.

Two birds, one stone. For more reasons than just that. So I was going to there are so many best words that I changed out. I just kept scrolling to the top of the notes and going, No, actually, it's best worst this. And honestly, like it is genuinely best worst accents, but I'm not going to do that because because we've done that so many times before. This one is the worst though. It's the best worst that

we've ever seen. And I know what a huge statement that is. But what I'm going to go with, what I ultimately settled on is best worst, cowardly heroes. Sure. That's so amazingly true. Because the movie is obviously written by a coward who doesn't realize it. It's like, why don't people just run away when the monster shows up for the town? I don't even know anyone in that town. I know.

What's there to say? Fuck those people. Shut the door on your way out. What's there to say? Fuck those people. Shut the door on your way out. What the hell? Amazing. I'm gonna go with the thing I found the most mystifying, which is best best, matching scars.

It's, oh, yeah, yeah. I don't know every single person in this movie has an identical matching scar on their cheek. Like it's the exact same two cuts to the point that I was like, did they cut a scene where they explained that in order to get into this monster hunting party, you have to cut this X into your cheek? Like it's, it's baffling to me. Truly.

And it's not quite all of them, so it can't be that, right? Like, that would make fucking sense. What absolutely happened is that more than one person showed up with the cool X-Scar from Spirit Halloween, and there was a big fucking fight about who got to keep it. And finally, they were like, well, maybe a lot of people got sliced twice in the same spot. In that spot, yeah.

Fucking right angles from each other. You know what's interesting though is that Rob Schneider missed the sale at Spirit Halloween and so he had to get it on his ribs. So if you look, there is one on Rob Schneider. Oh really? But it's on his body. Yeah.

It's on his body, not on the rest of it. So he's one of the people who has it. It just, they happen to miss his face and put it on his body. Yeah. They, I think they bought like a scar pack in bulk, but they thought they were going to get a bunch of them. And instead they got like 144 of the scar. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. All right. Well, we have waited too long for this one. So we're going to keep the break brief and when we come back, we'll dive into all the random assortment of shitty accents that is Devil's Canite.

Okay, what about Sword Quarterly? Keep it. What about Sword Annual? Totally different coverage, keep that one too. Man. Hey guys, whatcha doin'? I'm trying to help Cecil cut down his subscription costs, but it's proving a little difficult.

The sword world moves fast, Eli! Guys, if you wanna take care of your subscriptions without the hassle, why don't you just try Rocket Money? What's? What's Rocket Money? Really, Cecil, on episode 500? It's not my episode 500. We are a family!

We deeply are not a family. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. But Noah, does it actually work? It sure does. Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions saving members up to $740 a year when using all the app's premium features. All right, Noah, I'm sold.

Where do we sign up? Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to rocketmoney.com slash awful movies today. That's rocketmoney.com slash awful movies. Rocketmoney.com slash awful movies. All right, Noah. Thanks. Okay.

How about Sword biannual? And leave myself with an incomplete set? I'd literally rather die. Okay. Okay, well, are you making your own leather straps? Dude, of course, yes. Okay, oh, I just, I gotta ask. Guys, guys, guys! What's up, Chris? Yeah, I haven't seen you this excited since the Metropolitan Museum rotated their sword collection.

It was cool. Well, this might be even better. Well, hold on. What is it? So, you know how I've been saying we should take all the sweet sword choreography we come up with at the Ren Fair and make it into a movie? You do always say that, yeah.

Well, it turns out that Kevin Sorbo and Eric Roberts are gonna be at the fair this weekend. And Kevin said that since he's going to walk Eric to his car and blow into his DUI thing for him anyways, if we could shoot all the scenes with him in it, in the time it takes to walk Eric to his car, he will be in the movie. Dude, that's amazing! Right? This is almost certainly how this movie got made.

It has to be. No, man, it's not as professional as a Ren fair. Get the fuck out of here. And we're back for the breakdown. And here's how good it is. We all have several notes on the production. These are some motherfucking Fiverr logos, if ever I've seen. The first one we said that we see the deer logo and I'm like, oh, my God, it's so

bad, I just lowered my expectations of a Kevin Sorbo movie. It seriously looks like graphics from a 2001 hunting game. It is so terrible. Yeah, it's like it's like all the logos are competing with who can have the cheapest looking animal in their logo, right? Cause we go from the deer to the monkey to the bird. And I'm just like, Oh, come on. At a certain point, you're just, you're just making things up. These aren't even real companies. Right. Yeah, exactly. They just wanted to make it look like they are producers. So they can't stop you. I have to let you. So okay, so then we get our Star Wars crawl.

And this is amazing because they have a whole Star Wars crawl and all it tells us is like, the monsters are the bad guys. Yeah. Well, and also they lose confidence in our ability to read this fast. Yes, right. About two seconds into the crawl. So you're watching it in silence with the music and then it's like, years ago. Sorry, I got bored. So you're watching it in silence with the music and then it's like years ago

Also, it's just a tiny thing but like I never really appreciated how well-written the Star Wars crawl was until I read this Every single one of the lines ends in a hanging preposition. It's like and what the monsters would want it for I Was instinctively pressing B to skip. I didn't even have a controller. I didn't even have a controller and I'm just like, oh come on, come on. Who gives a shit about this? And then we cut to two dudes areassling, right?

So we're about to meet this group of thieves that will just be told the story of this movie. They serve no purpose whatsoever. But as we're meeting them, we're going to see the cheapest group of thieves that will just like be told the story of this movie. They serve no purpose whatsoever. But as we're meeting them, we're going to see the cheapest goddamn credits scrolling over top of them. It's so hard to pay attention to what's going on in the movie because the credits are just so bad.

And they're so big. There's so many of them and they cover half the screen sometimes. Literally there will be somebody on screen and sometimes you know, you'll see something in a movie where it'll look like, you know, they kind of kept it in the lower third. There's like two thirds of the screen covered with credits. Like at certain points, credits are over people's eyes. The actors are like ducking around them. So, okay. So you know what happened here? I didn't check on this, but this has to be true because at one point there are like 41 producers listed

on the screen at one time. Those are the like there was a kickstarter level where it is you will be listed as a producer in the front credits. Yep. Right. Which is why the front credits go on for 15 fucking minutes and then they cover three quarters of the screen from time to time. But as we're watching and I'm sorry, I can't just do the credits I know we can't just do them. It's not god-awful credits But also the credits are bright red and they haven't done an outline or anything around them their shadow or nothing No, nothing at all. So they're almost illegible Well, and also I'm sorry and they're also in a silly calligraphy font.

They're in a fantasy font and that makes them really hard to read. And so you're just like, why would you even put that up there? It literally looks like nothing. Exactly. They're in somehow not quite papyrus. Yeah, right. Some papyrus. It's like the Timu knockoff of papyrus.

Yeah. Right. And then, okay, and then we see, like we pan over this group of people and the costuming in this movie, these people look somehow like half of them are ready to shiver me timbers and the other half are ready to attend the Continental Congress. Right. And at least two in every shot just have a bed sheet on their head. Yep. Yeah.

Yeah. And then a guy shows up who's supposed to be, he's a Spartan warrior, right? a bed sheet on their head. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then a guy shows up who's supposed to be, he's a Spartan warrior, right? He's dressed as a goddamn Greek warrior looking for his phalanx. So we meet all these murderous these and one of them has like, I stole a dagger today and he throws the dagger and like this mysterious stranger catches it mid air. You know, he catches it. But one thing we need to reveal to the audience is having one eye does not change his depth

perception that he's able to catch that dagger. No problem. Single eye. Yes. Let me ask a question because we're going to spend a lot of time with this missing eye. Does he have one eye or does he have play dough over one side of his face? What I think he has over his eye Eli is a blood pack that they just never blew up. That's what it is. Chekov's blood pack.

Yeah, so like he throws, the guy throws a dagger, this other guy grabs it just from off screen and you're like, oh what's the silliest possible thing that he could be missing when you pull that hood up? It's his eye. You can't catch the dagger then. Have him do something else badass. But I guess like this group of murderous thieves is just like, well, that was a hell of a catch. Give him a bowl of cruel ideas. Alright. You earned your dinner tonight, friend. It's what we say on that sign just outside the clearing. Catch a dagger, ask, ask a grass.

And then they go. Welcome. Much of the dialogue in this scene, though, you cannot imagine that someone wrote it down, right? This is this is clearly just, hey, guys, let's sit around a fire and let's talk for a few minutes and pretend we're thieves. It's like an improv troupe that's doing this, because none of this could possibly be written

down. It's insane. Also, it's the first time there's ever been an exposition dump in a movie that's also being heckled at the same time. Yeah. Which I really hope gets brought into other films, right? So again, this is fantasy nonsense, right? In the land of Velnor, King Magog Magogla right you can say and do anything except every third line is someone from the circle going this is fucking boring yes right except they don't do that great accent work that you

just did yeah yeah so what happens the one-eyed guy sits down he takes a bite of his gruel and he's like I would like to tell you the movie. So and it's the story of this dagger, the dagger that he caught. That's what he's going to center the story around. So it's not no, it's not though, not even fucking remotely. The movie just keeps remembering the dagger stick the dagger in now. Yeah. So OK, so we doodly do into the movie and we see a group of Knights out hunting for the bone devil And when I saw all these men in their like fucking suits of armor is the first and not last time I wrote

Oh, I'm so happy we have Cecil for this one Yeah, I don't know if this was perfect for Cecil or if this was some kind of like statement of enmity towards Yeah, these are all like like this is all they're all in these big helmets and they're out at night and they all have 10 millimeter eyes. Why are you wearing your helmet running around the forest at night? You know, 100% three of these guys got out of their car, walked to the filming and they ran directly into a tree. You know, you know, it happened.

Yes, absolutely. You know what happened. You know it happened. Yes, absolutely. And so, OK, and then everybody starts just like they're just Josh and right there. They're out hunting a monster together and they're all like shooting the shit. And they're doing these terrible British accents, except one guy doesn't. Yeah. Fucking bone monster. Yeah. I'll fuck you right up, you fucking asshole bone monster. Come on down here, you fucking asshole. Um, Lord Pemberley, do you mean to just stop talking like that?

I brought a gun from my cab. If you want to shoot the monster. So yeah, so, so, but then yeah, all of a sudden, you know, everyone's like, Oh, I'm not scared of no bone devil. And then one of the nights screams and somebody says, what was that? We're like, we don't know. Cause your dumb asses didn't bother to like put anything in there for him to be screaming at yet.

And then, and then dynasty warrior music swells. So that's when we get the dinos. And this is a recurring theme whenever they'll be a fight. They have gotten this really bad. And if you've never played dynasty warriors, it's all like shredding guitars was playing in the background with kind of like a piano going through the whole movie whenever there's a weird fight scene. that's basically what's happening the whole movie whenever there's a weird fight scene and that's what's happening now. Yeah.

So they're going to, they're going to reveal their awesome bone devil costume to us one appendage at a time here, right? Yeah, they are. Yeah. And he takes out the first guy, first season, Star Trek wishes. This is definitely like, I would say maybe a Tim Baker Doctor Who outfit is probably sort of right where you're at. Yeah, yeah.

No, that's a good era. Yeah. Yeah. It takes the first guy out. Yep. And he has, I'm not kidding, an eight or nine inch blood pack on his head. Oh my god, I wrote he's wearing a ruff made of fake neck. It's so bad. And again, like they super close up, they at least have the sense to always make it

like night when we see the bone devil. That's true. Right. They never give him the harsh light of the sun or anything, but they go close up on these blood packs over and over again. And every time I'm like, why would you do that? The other thing I want to point out too, is this scene plays itself out. It's they start with seven.

There is a four that die. I counted and then there are two left. The one runs away and one says a standoff with the bone devil. They are editor missed one. There's one that's just gone. And I know it's just a dumb continuity error, but at the same time you're like, come on, there are seven dudes. Like you made it a point to show all seven of them. And now there's like one guy who just like,

he's just like a random guy like, I'm just going to sneak away like sidestep and not pay. So, well, that's just the thing. There absolutely was a moment where one guy turned to another guy and was like, well, nobody's going to fucking count. One absolutely was a moment where one guy turned to another guy I was like, well, nobody's gonna fucking count One of the ads that the people watching this movie can count to see are gonna watch it. Come on

Your sister my sister the entire audience for this movie. I think we're right. Yeah, right. Oh also the crew That's probably why they had so many people in the movie was so that that many would watch it So but yeah quickly we're down to just the bone devil in this one guy who has a sword that's all wiggly. It's a flambeige. Okay. How do you put that in the sheath? It feels like you have to rock it back and forth the whole time. You do.

Yeah, you do. It's a wider sheath. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. No, that makes sense. All right. So then we get our first good look at the bone devil and he's exactly as good as that deer logo led us to expect

Yeah And there is a core like I use the word choreograph here in the most loosest sense Yeah, they kind of were just like I'm gonna take a couple swings at you and then you eventually kill me and the guys like sure No problem, and they are they are missing each other by three and four feet. It is amazing. It is outstandingly bad. It is unbelievably stinky. You guys ever go to a wedding where the girl's dad is there even though he's dying and should probably be in a hospital somewhere? Jesus Christ. You know that father daughter dance?

That's how all the fight choreography in this movie is. It's Pea Paul holding himself up on Dolores before he goes to meet Jesus The fight choreography Alright, so this is the this is the point in the movie where one of the funniest facts about it was revealed to me, right? Because I looked this up and I'm like, when did they make this old ass piece of shit? It looks so bad. It was 2024. Yeah, when he. It was last goddamn year. It's okay. So they're fighting. And so, and then I have to ask Cecil,

because there's doing some sword fighting here. How important when you're sword fighting are the sweet flare spins, right? The baton moves. You cannot underestimate the effect of a sweet flare spin. Thank you very much. I mean, we call those the Vader. Okay?

Obviously. That's what you do when you're out there fighting. It's so clear. That's why you got everybody. All right. So then, okay, the bone devil kills the last guy. He gets everybody. And then we go to the survivor, the one guy who ran away, he's telling the nobles about their failure. Right? Which is weird because this

is, again, this is Sigurd telling us this story. So Sigurd is now telling the story to this group of people of someone telling the story of the thing that just happened. And he's not there. Right, right. Exactly. At a time that he wasn't there. Right. But everybody's making fun of him for being such a sissy that he ran away. And this is where we're going to meet Redbeard, who we are led to believe is the movie's villain. Yeah, he will die off screen at the beginning of Act Three. So he's not right. But we're going to we're going to feign the villainhood from this guy. So he pulls out his dagger and he starts telling him about how poisonous this dagger is. He's like, he's like, oh, it's got the poison of the hook beast in it.

That sounds scary, right? And we're like, no, it doesn't. Not at all. It sounds scary. And just when he's about to stab this guy, a lady comes in with a French accent that the three of us can talk shit about. It is fucking amazing. Well, wasn't I added to this Zoom code? Yeah, it is outstanding.

It is an accent that loses itself and then regains itself and then falls down a set of stairs and then gets back up. It's amazing. It is something else. Who locks the door and refuses to let the emergency services workers in. Yes. It's like someone who had never heard a French accent saw a phonetic write out of what a French accent is supposed to look like. Oh.

Hello. It's amazing. How are you today? supposed to look like. Hello! It's amazing. How are you today? It's no way that's what they meant. It's so good. It's so fucking good. Cecil's not saying it, but he wrote in his notes,

it's Melania. It is Melania. 100% reminded me of Eli's Melania the moment she started speaking. I was like, that's Eli's Melania. That is 100% Eli's Melania the moment she started speaking. I was like that's Eli's Melania. That is a hundred percent Eli's Melania Dude, I saw that in your notes and I just I have her as Lady Melania from that point Oh, so, okay. So but then the king shows up with his very clanky retinue, right? They all crowded to this tiny ass room. There's like eight guys

This is another the scars and this is what haunted me is what corner tiny as from just like eight guys with This is another the scars and this is what haunted me is what corner of what medieval fair were they allowed to use that Every room in the movie is like a broom closet It's amazing room closet, but it is a broom closet. It's it so it's a castle in Austin I think or Texas somewhere. Yeah, Austin. It's a broom closet. So it's a castle in Austin, I think, or Texas somewhere, maybe not Austin. It's a castle. I found it on here because there's the same photos that they're using in the movie. And they're using the actual... So instead of like someone having a set somewhere where it's wide open, where you could sort

of block and get people in position and not have to be all in the same room with the camera... And the lighting. And the lights. They would just have an open room with the camera and the lighting and the lights. They would just have an open room with like, you know, two sides to it or whatever that would look like the backdrop of a castle. They don't do that in this. They filmed on location in this weird castle that's sort of made for parties. And so it's really, really small and every room's like a broom closet.

Parties but not cameras. No. It's like, you remember when you were young and you were too poor to do a housewarming, but your first friend did a housewarming and then 11 people were standing in the living room of his one bedroom apartment and you all realized simultaneously that this was going to be a very hot and sweaty and unpleasant two and a half hours? That's how this movie is shot. Yep. This, this movie is, is someone still in the bathroom, the filming experience. So the king comes in and he's like, Hey, fake bad guy who I have is red beard throughout

my notes. I don't know what the character's name is. He's like, Hey, red beard, lady Melania, come to my chambers for the next scene. So they go to his chambers and he starts talking about how back in the day, the bone devil didn't dare encroach upon the villages, right? In the land of Verocca. So I wrote move in my notes. But just then his daughters come in, right?

So we're going to meet the two princesses. One is just young, generic princess. The other is Princess Monster Hunter. She like wants to hunt monsters all the time. Princess Sarah Huckabee Sanders. 100% Keith Sarah Huckabee Sanders. The entire movie without ever breaking character. They'll be like, oh, Papa, today we were doing needlework, but I'm afraid I wasn't very good.

Hey, do you guys know that if you dump a fucking chamber pot into your own room, they won't clean it for you, they just bring you a box. It's fucking bullshit. I'm the princess. Well, there's a point. There's a point in my notes with her. So all the accents are really, really bad, like hilariously bad. Like some of the people are making fun of some of the other people bad.

Right. These actions, but hers was so bad that like it deserved special attention. Right. Like in my notes at this point, I wrote like after her like eighth line, I was like, Oh my God, is she trying for an accent? Has she been trying for an accent this whole time? There's a line that comes up right after this where they talk about the Lost Blades and the guy says, and it's from the trailer and she didn't have to watch this whole movie.

You could watch this guy deliver this line from the trailer. And it is what hooked me to watch this movie is the man delivering. There is an elite group of monster hunters. And I was like, that's fucking the best line I've ever heard in any movie I've ever watched. I cannot get, I wanted to watch the movie immediately when Eli sent me the trailer. I was like, I can't hold myself back from this.

It's outstanding. So good, yes. So he tells the king about, this is the fake back, and he says, there's an elite group of monster hunters called the Lost Blades. They're the good guys. So then we cut to a couple of other sharp dressed nobles at dinner. This is, I guess, the king's brother and his buddy. Yeah. And the jester, the jester, the fake comic relief.

Right. Because this guy is clearly supposed to be the comic relief, but they never let him actually do shtick. No. So we meet this group and we like we cut in at the end of a joke or whatever. And the court jester is like, I shall tell you a better joke. And he like does a big warm up. And then the king comes in and he's like, oh, well, I'll go fuck myself. Then I'll fuck myself. All right.

Is it because I refuse to do an accent and I talk like this? I feel like it's because I refuse to do an accent. So yeah, so but the King comes in and he starts talking to his brother and they set up this it, this is amazing because it's entirely useless to the story. Oh yeah. Right? They set up this whole thing where the King's brother renounced his title to be with the woman that he loved, but now he's back and it's just, it's exposition for

exposition's sake. Yeah. He might as well turn to his brother at the end of the scene and go, all right, well, uh, see you literally eight seconds before the end of the movie. Sure. Yeah. What I love too about this is that every single person in this movie has to be named, right? So when they sit down, you get to find the name of the jester and the two nobles he's talking to because he introduces people throughout the whole movie. He's like, oh, well, this is Baron Jameson and this is, this is count Lucan and this is, and he keeps on doing it over and I'm like, I don't need to know who these people

are. You don't have to fucking spend 45 minutes introducing members of the cast who have four lines. Please stop doing that. They do not stop. So it would make a lot of sense. Like a lot of this movie would make more sense if they were also had a like donate this much on Kickstarter and be a named character with a lot.

I didn't think of that, but you're probably right. Very well could be a problem. And because, look, first of all, there are some really terrible, but like the level of acting is so wild in this movie, right? Right. It goes from like all the way up to relatively competent and all the way down to at gunpoint. Because the question that arises when you watch this movie is what were these people good at that they decided to make a movie? Right.

Right? Because we've seen movies made by stuntmen that aren't well acted but are well stunted. Yes, right. And we've seen movies made by people who can't make movies but like they very obviously had an artistic vision or they thought they were good actors. Or they were great at costuming. Right. So they like, and that's the point.

But yes, there's literally nothing that this movie is good at So and like they're so they're so bad at acting and these are like some of the main characters the king who isn't doing An accent at all by the way. He's from fucking Nebraska. He's getting He's over here talking to his brother and there's a point where the brother's like, oh, you're so angry. And I'm like, oh, is that what he was going for? Was that supposed to be angry in this scene? You are angry in this scene.

Yeah. You say so. Sure. I don't think so. Let's have some hot dish. And then we cut to the, we cut to the fucking peanut gallery, right? We back out of the doodly doo and the peanut gallery is trying to press B to skip this part of the movie.

I don't like this movie. All right. Well, thanks. They like they argue about how good the first 15 minutes of the film have been. I wrote it down. I wrote it down. Here's the lens. I hate exposition. Next line. I'm surprised

you know what that means. Next line. What's that supposed to mean? Next line. I think you know exactly what that means. What the fuck is that? Yup. Oh God. It's amazing. You got a picture that all sitting next to itself on a piece of paper, right? Like he can see it say, means, means, means, and means. They probably lined up at some point.

So hey guys, the movie rhymes. Well, not rhymes. So OK, so then we settle back into the story with a monster roar in the woods. And I'm sorry, I like where this this review is going to be so fucking long because every frame is so beautiful. They have in this like pan over the forcing, they have sloppily colorized one of the trees to make it look weird so that it's a fantasy forest. And to see for us. Yeah, exactly.

You can't be a regular forest because look at that green and red strap tree. One tree. Yes! In a forest. Guys, I can't wait for you to meet Craig, who's playing our minotaur. He's like, he's like so ripped and like he was always the guy in our gym and his sister died. And so he's been trapped inside his house with nothing but instant mashed potatoes But trust this Minotaur's tits are bigger than its horns

I'm a fat man. I'm a fat man proud of my body. Love my body I would not agree to be a Minotaur because then the only thing The human eye can focus on is my, and I cannot emphasize this enough, flapping tits. Flapping tits. Dude, you're not wrong. They're fucking huge, man. He's got knockers. And low and wide.

He's got like a round door knocker on his nose and then two big knockers underneath. Yeah. So yeah. So so now what they've done, of course, is they put a regular size guy in this gigantic fat suit so they can stab the fat suit a couple of times. Right. Yeah. So this is what we're going to meet our group of monster hunters called the Lost Swords. And they're in the middle of fighting this Minotaur. And of course, they don't have much choreography So they kill him super quick But they but the editor goes out of his way to use the exact same shot twice in a row

And I'm not talking like once at the beginning of the battle and once at the end I'm talking about there's a swing then one other thing happens and then that same swing happens again Oh, he's like we can make it a little longer. He's like, I mean, I guess I could just play the same goddamn cut again. Doesn't matter. You guys, you guys want to rewind the movie and just play it again?

Don't think I'll be able to notice. So, yeah, so they but they bring the head of the Minotaur to this tavern and they're like, we got him. Well, the guy who says we got him basically his accent I had described in my notes as just generic bullwinkle enemy

Right, that's amazing. That's an amazing accurate description. Oh, he's like we have good in your moon Jesus and so everybody's gonna drink to the monster but hold on there's a dude There is a dude though that starts talking and he's got like a straight-up southern accent. Yes with the guy liner Yeah, oh, yeah. Hey y'all we got your oh got your minotaur head over here Like after the other guy talks, yeah comes in and it's amazing. I'm like, where are all these accents coming? They just said to somebody they said hey guys bring your best accent. Whatever it is doesn't matter It's here all accents are welcome what would do you what's truly amazing to me though is that there's like you got you have people

like Kevin Sorbo and the King and and the one night that didn't do an accent so these people imagine this these people walked under this set and they listen to Lady Melania going like that that's the word it is, it's a little chibi, or whatever, and they're like, no, I don't have that great accent work like you guys. No, you're good. Right, like, my God, it's, yeah. It's, and what's amazing to me is that,

like, everybody who's listening to this podcast thinks, oh, they're exaggerating. No. And we're just literally fucking not I'll tell you what once you head on over to to be Why don't you go ahead and click on devil's night with a K? Uh-huh once you click anywhere on that bar, and if you don't The most insane accent you've ever heard I'll pay pal you 20 bucks You want that oh God Oh my safest bet I've

ever made. Yes. Right. Right. So, okay. So meanwhile, they're in the bar. They killed the Minotaur. Meanwhile, red beard is plotting bad guy Ali, right? The monster hunter princess, the princess that wants to kill monster. She shows up. I want to fight the bone devil. Yes, but except it's selectively British. Yeah. I'm going to use his arms to plunge my clunge if you know what I mean. Well and what's so funny in this, in this whole thing is that evil red beard is saying, well, hold on, hold on princess. We will have you fight the bone devil, but I'm going to, we need to send out my spies first. And I'm like,

what the fuck do you need spies for? Like, what are they going to do? Like sit around it with like a pad and pencil be like, well, it seems like he's armored. Yes. Right. Well, he just said, so how do I, how do you spell that Frank? Seems to like hearts. Yeah. What, what use do you spell that Frank seems to like hearts? Yeah, what what you see you think it's gonna be to say that the bone devil's cheating on his wife Did it just go into a proud boys meeting Double so yeah, so but red beard the bone devil thought the camera was off. He started jerking it to ladyboy Are you allowed to call it that?

That feels problematic. So yeah, so but he's like, don't worry, we're going to hire the lost blades to kill the bone devil and then they'll fail and then you'll kill them and you'll get to be king. And she's like, is that how the system works? He's like, well, it doesn't matter. I mean, that's how it works. Go all the way through that. Anyway. And she's like is that how the system works. He's like well fight it doesn't matter I mean, it's not gonna go all the way through that anyway And she's like well, how do we know the lost blades will fail? He's like I'll see to that he doesn't he never does anything He doesn't know yeah, no he doesn't see to that at all none of this ever comes back

It's just it's again. It's exposition for exposition sake okay, so we cut back to the lost place They're not having a drink. This is where we get the most amazing wig that ever was I said that you just took his fuck dolls hair to work That is so true, oh it's amazing God if I killed and removed the skin of Dolly Parton and then had to make my way past her guard wearing said skin, that's what this part of the movie looks like. And nobody's like straightened it either because it's kind of a little crooked on his head. He's standing there. It's like his helmet is just a little off. It's amazing. It is the best wig work I've ever seen.

It truly is. And again, people think we're exaggerating, but we're not. No. So the thing is, is that we really were the boy that cried wolf on this to a certain degree, right? Cause sometimes our movies aren't that bad and we have to sort of exaggerate shit. So nobody actually believes this movie is as bad as it is but it is oh yeah it is this is the part where they cut to the woman and she turns to them and she goes oh so did you guys kill that monster all by your shelves shelves yeah and she turns she goes do I get a second take and they're like no one gets no we're live broadcasting this on to be to the only three people who will ever

watch it. We only brought the one gigabyte card. So no, right? Yeah, we're doing sort of a night at the museum Indian in the cupboard thing, which is when Noah and he and Eli and Cecil turn on this movie, we start to act. So yeah. and Cecil turn on this movie, we start to act it out. That's what happened. So, yeah, so but then a gang shows up and they're like, we're here in case the good guys need a bar brawl. And so there's a bar brawl.

And they miss their first attempt at this, right? Because they're like, we're here for women and ale. And the first waitress is like, I can't wait to get reamed by all of you. And they're like, OK, well, there would be no reason for anyone to punch us in the face, if you're interested. Yes. Right, Carol? I guess we'll have to go over to the lady who says shelves

and bother her for a minute. Yes, right. Yeah, exactly. That'll do it. We're going to aim for a secondary sexual assault target. Hi. Are you less enthusiastic? You are great. Can I fight you over this? There we go. There we go. So we get our meanwhile, Carol's in the back with her ankles up in the air. So, okay. And then this is the point where I go up to the top and I change best worst wig to best

worst fake punches. Right? Oh yeah. So good. And they're missing each other. Again, the choreography on this is they're, they're missing each other by like a foot and a half. Oh my God.

They're missing each other by so much. It doesn't look like anything is happening, but the best part is they punch the Roman soldier in the face or whatever, and he kinda just moves his jaw a little. It's this guy who's telling the story, sitting in the other part of the movie, and he's in the movie now as the big, strong, tough guy. He gets punched in the face, and it kinda moves him.

And then the guy's like, well, that didn't work. Let me punch him in his fucking metal breastplate. Right, yeah, exactly. See if that works. And again, let's back up and imagine that this guy is telling this dude what he's doing. He's like, so then I was in this brawl and these guys came in and they tried to fuck with us.

But like, and they punched me a bunch of times and I was like, oh, that didn't do anything. So then I was like, man, I just like knocked him to two of them together, right? That's what's happening in the fucking movie. He rock bottoms a dude on the table, too. The guy throws his shot. He ducks and he picks him up just like the rock and he rock bottoms right on the table.

Amazing. Sure. The fuck does. So they kick a bunch of ass. But mid brawl, the king's men come in and they're like, you know, our boss wants to see the lost blades. Yeah. And then Rob Schneider is fighting at the same time. And Rob Schneider is about three and a half feet shorter than every single person in this movie. Yep.

And he has he's been fighting this big, huge guy and he boxes his ears. And this guy screams for four and a half minutes. He just like, wait, and he yells for for so long it gets uncomfortable when you're watching. You're like, I don't know if Rob pulled his punch there. He really boxed that guy's ears. He really, yeah. It may have been. He got him good.

So okay, so now the Lost Blades, which is a team of apparently 17 fucking people. So many people. This is the first time you realize that there are 28 of them. It is hilarious how many of them there are. So one of them is a samurai, but they don't say samurai because they're not sure they're allowed to say samurai, but he's a person of Japanese descent. So they happen upon the grave of his daughter. Yeah, just wandering, sure. And everyone stands there solemnly and that's when you realize they're larger than the gay Japanese descent. So they happen upon the grave of his daughter. Just wandering shirt.

And everyone stands there solemnly. And that's when you realize they're larger than the gay man's chorus of San Francisco. Exactly. And the way that this scene plays out is like he goes to pray at the grave and like, you know, guys, six and 11 are like, Oh, I'll go pray with them. And then guy two and four are like, well, me too. And then guys 14, 15 and 17. And it goes so long. They got a butcher's ticket taker. They're on a wait.

Yes, exactly. They're on a wait for this. The absolute very best thing that happens in this scene is a couple of people start to go over after the Japanese man goes and sits in front of his daughter's statue and starts ladling water over the statue. And they all start filing in. And one guy walks up and he says the best line in the history of movies and he goes yes what am i looking at here someone describe the scene out loud i would literally

started crying i was laughing i was like that is the best scene I was like no this movie I'm like this movie can do no wrong now yeah nothing this movie does will ever take that away it is the best part of this entire thing well and the second best line ever written comes immediately after right because he's like what am I looking at here he's like oh it's the daughter is his daughter died and then he goes how did she die? And somebody goes, demon wolves. And no follow up. None.

Just, oh yeah. That'll get you. You gotta watch out for them. Cover your garbage everybody. Demon wolves. Gotta put a brick on the lid. That's the key. That's the important thing.

And this is also where we first see that everyone has that same goddamn ex-car. So many of them. Okay, I just have to talk about one more moment in the scene because it's so funny to me. So when he first sits down at his daughter's grave, he does the real thing where you take water from like a vessel near the grave of someone in your family and you pour the water over the stone. But there are so many of them that it starts to like, turn the land around the daughter's grave into, she was gonna float to the surface. Yeah, right.

Exactly. They just stopped doing it. They're like, okay, now it's silly. We're just fucking bukkake-ing this little girl's grave. We need to. Oh no. Jesus Christ, Eli. It's a fucking pool floaty at this point, guys.

We got that. So, okay. There's also another part of this too, where one of the guys sits down and he's wearing, on his arms, he's wearing what look like metal bracers, right? So he's got these metal bracers on his forearms and he puts his hand on somebody else and you can clearly see the plastic flex

really deadly. Oh really? Oh no. I was like holy shit I was like that's the plasticest plastic armor I've ever seen. It was amazing. Outstanding. Awesome. So okay so then that night they set up camp.

We meet the healer who is he's going for a German accent I think. Oh his is good. I was thinking it was Swedish I thought it was okay Swedish sure could have been I think it was he was just going for general European sure I think that's what he was doing it's like he was gonna pick and choose from a lot of different countries and no one was gonna hold him down I think that was his key and he's wearing half of a wig like the back half of a wig to make his hair long.

But it's just his regular hair in front. It's ridiculous. And what happened to the scene is it's amazing. It's more of this exposition for exposition, say, right? Because he's explaining the rules of the magic in this. He's like, well, you know, I can't do spells, but I can make potions and stuff. And he's like, oh, I bet that will come back later in the movie, huh? He's like, no, no, you'll never see me again and there will be no more magic.

From here on, that's literally all of it. He will get his face ripped off at the end of the movie Oh, right. Yeah, okay, that was in that nothing else happens with them No, but didn't like guys 11 and 16 start talking shit to each other and look again like consider How much better this movie would have been if this had been a group of, like, five people, which is all you need. Right? All you ever fucking need is five guys here. Yeah, but then you can't get the Kickstarter big donors. I guess, yeah. Right, right.

All right, well, clearly we need to take a break for a fucking tankard of ale or whatever, but we're gonna be back in a minute with even more of Devil's Canite. Ariel! Garmond! Great rest! Finally!

Hey guys, whatcha doing? Oh hey, Noah. This week's movie made me realize I'm way out of shape, so Cecil's teaching me sword stuff. He's basically my personal trainer. Well, that's nice of you. Oh, I'm charging him. Yeah, he's charging me quite a bit, actually. Eli, you don't need a personal trainer to get the results you want. All you need for a personalized workout is FitBod. What's FitBod?

FitBod creates a personalized workout routine based on your goals, fitness level, and available equipment. Plus, FitBod tracks your muscle recovery so you can avoid burnout and keep up your momentum. That sounds way better than doing 50 merryweathers in a row. I don't know, Noah. Have you actually tried it? I sure have. As exercise has become a more and more important part of my heart health, I love that FitBod can give me a great workout whether I'm at home, in a hotel room, or in a fully stocked gym. That's why I, Noah Lujan, personally endorse FitBod. Alright, Noah. I'm sold. Where do I sign up? Level up your workout. Join FitBod today to

get your personalized workout plan. Get 25% off your subscription or try the app for free for 7 days at fitbod.me slash gam. That's F-I-T-B-O-D dot M-E slash gam. Alright Cecil, looks like I won't need to learn the blade after all. That's fine. I wasn't actually teaching you sword stuff anyway. What were those words? I was just naming fonts. Ah!

I wondered why there was a Times New Roman. Yeah. Your Majesty! Yes, counselor? I have found a band of monster hunters to cure us of our bone-devil problem. Excellent! Send them in. Your Majesty, my men and I are at your service.

You are very welcome. Allow me to introduce them. This is Gerard, the greatest hunter in the four kingdoms. Aye! Then there are the twins, Golan and Rolan. Their axe is as sharp as their wits. Greetings, your majesty. Then there's Osako, a warrior from the Far East. Your majesty.

Wonderful! I know that you will... Sorry, sorry, your majesty, just a few more. Oh, well, the more the merrier. This is my son, John. How the fuck are you doing? And Carl the Giant, my lord. And of course, Ranga the Centurion. At your service!

Excellent. Now, if we could... Sorry, just real quick, still not enough... Oh, come on! Steve, Brian, Alan. Sure, yeah. Chris, Matt, other done? Oh come on! Steve, Brian, Alan? Sure. Chris, Matt, other Matt? Fucking come on!

Brian, Filbert, Ossie, Honan, Weasel, Gartard, and Renathion! Jesus fucking Christ, there's like 50 of you, are you done? Are you fucking done? Yes. Great, now go kill the bone devil! On our honor, my king. Yeah, yeah, go in your fucking school bus or whatever. As you wish.

We should get a school bus. Not now, other Matt! And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with the Lost Blades arriving at the castle. This is where you get to see the outside of that castle. And it is Newman Castle. And I put a link in the description Nice you yeah, the castle didn't do anything wrong. Yeah, the castle is I gotta be honest. It looks kind of dope

Yeah, I kind of want to go. I'm like I would go if I was in the area there do a larp I would go check it out looks kind of fun Like I could see like if we if we could put together a big larp there or something I would have you fucking sweet that be a hoot bro. I'd do it I would be unsurprised to see a photo of you and your lovely wife with her frozen smile on your face We found another castle everybody Oh Look another ruin. Amazing.

What are the chances? Yeah. So, okay, so the Lost Plays, they go into the castle and this is where we meet the two big name actors in the movie, right? This is where Kevin Sorbo and Eric Roberts are introduced. Okay. I want to talk about how drunk Eric Roberts is. Do you know when you go in a bar and there's a person so drunk in that bar that you leave the bar?

He's not doing anything yet. Right? You just walk in and you sit down and he goes, hey, and you're like, nope, the night ends at best. You're vomiting on me in the next 10 minutes I will get a Shirley Temple somewhere else. That's how drunk Eric Roberts is. He is also Full-on on mom's leg holding on to another actor at all moments of this sale Yes, he might as well be in a papoose. Yeah

And he's doing an accent. He's doing British. He's Yeah, it's like imagine putting like 11 drinks into Heath and then asking him to start a fight based entirely on accents with March He's only in the movie too for like it's like a 30 seconds and then that's the end of him Right. He's in this scene movie too for like, it's like a 30 seconds and then that's the end of him. That's it? Right, he's in this scene and that's it. He's just part of the royal entourage. Right?

I don't even know if they give this character a name. So the Lost Boys come in to see the king. Lord Sussex. Oh, that's right. Lord Sussex. Yeah. So the Lost Boys come in to see the king and the king's like, I will see these 27 men in this very tiny room.

Everyone else leave. Keep coming in guys. There's room in the front. Come on up. No, don't gotta huddle up here. This is a small room. Everybody squeeze in squeeze in. There's more room. Explore the space. So it's fucking amazing how many people they've fitted this. Well, he's and look, he eventually he has to send everybody else out. Yeah. And they make a big deal of it in the movie. They're like, oh, I don't know.

Should we leave him alone with these vicious warriors or whatever? And they're like, that's the only way to fit everybody in the fucking room, man. You have to like just from geometry's sake, you know? So and and Eric Roberts is like, you know, do you think do you think we should stay? And he's like no We can't afford you. He's like, all right. Well, I will leave the movie then for good Hey, Kevin, thanks for bailing me out of the Standing where yeah, where you we go buddy You can go get waffles. No, I've got to be in this movie. I'm being paid

$99. Food bragging! All you can eat is brown chicken. I can't be in the movie. It's okay. I'm okay. I'll be in the movie with you. Let's go be in the movie! Tell him. Call him right now and say, hey, I'm gonna be a movie with you. Let's go be in a movie. Tell him, call him right now and say, hey, I'm with a... I'll fuck every company.

He's so drunk, he's so drunk he calls the guys sales souls instead of sales sorts. Well, if it isn't the sales... ...spa... The lady with the French accent is like, okay, man, tickets.

Yeah. Also, so, but everybody shows like Kevin Sorbo. Kevin Sir was carrying this great big sword in front of him. Just like it said, I don't like his whole walking stick or something and they leave. And then he talks to the the lost swords guys. So the main guy there, who I have his guy too, because he's not the one telling the story, talks to the king a little bit, they back and forth. And the king is just a good guy. He's a regular fellow. He's the kind of guy you'd like to have a beer with, right? That's what they're

going for. Yeah. And the guy that he's talking to, I shit you not, I did not realize that man was going for a French accent until at the end of this fucking scene he said we. Okay, to be fair to him, he saw what French accent lady from earlier was doing and he was like, okay, Craig, don't overdo it. Yeah. Don't want to do. Don't want to embarrass her. Yeah. Yeah. I don't want to ruin my chances with her. Yeah Gavis and busy, but you can put your super in there But ultimately he he hires him to go kill the bone devil, right and Then we cut to the next scene where we watch princess

monster hunter practicing with her sword. This lady who's using a two handed sword, who is like, she's like shuffling her feet like Ali. She's like trying to move her feet back and forth and she's like constantly shifting her hips and she's swinging with the wrong hip. It was really bad to watch. I'm just saying like as a guy who fights with a sword, I'm like, okay, no, stop.

Please just stop doing this. I don't want you to do this anymore. You're embarrassing yourself. And she must have been the best with the sword in the movie because her character is all about how good at sword she is. Right. That's the whole thing. So like what this is how good this fucking shit is I swear I am not exactly once again

I have this movie is so bad I have to keep trying to convince the audience that I'm telling them the truth about how bad it is the other day A lady tried to sex traffic Noah, and it's still more believable So I was writing in my notes How's her technique here Cecil because of course I know that Cecil does source and as I'm typing that she legitimately misses the stationary target that she's swinging at. I'm quite good. I almost got it.

She missed it by about a foot. Yeah. By about a foot. Not all can master this. So yeah, well then, and then Lady Melania comes in to give her some shit for being too By about a foot not all can master this Well, then and then lady Melania comes in to give her some shit for being too sorority and not ladylike Right. She uses the word Lord Fucking amazing. You would rather stand here and play with your severe

Syllables the way she says it. It's just syrup. This is my favorite part of the whole movie though, is that Sorbo has to be in a woke movie with a woman fighter. That is my favorite part of this whole movie is that what is he gay now? What is what has happened to Sorbo's career that he has to say yes to a movie with a female quasi protagonist who is good with this award? The best thing about this entire fucking movie is right before I watched it, I saw the story about him saying that after watching Snow White, the left can't make good movies. Yeah. Not like devil's night.

No. Yeah. The left cannot make movies like devil's canine. I'll tell you. I will give you that. Famous leftist gallgadot. So the lost swords, they head out to fight the bone devil and the princess, the princess monster hunters watch and walk off.

Now one of the monster hunters, theords, is a woman, right? We realize here though, at this point, that we're supposed to have not realized that and thought that was a dude. Yeah, we were supposed to not realize that that obvious woman was a dude the whole time and everyone's like, no man, that's a chick, bro. Everybody knows she's a chick. But guys, you wouldn't be able to tell because they put her in a fetus helmet. Sher-Head looks like a xenomorph from Aliens.

It's so big! It's fucking bananas. It's such a weird helmet, man. Because she's got like 40 pounds of hair stuffed up into it, right? She's got so much fucking hair. Oh God so so so we cut the red beard. She looks like a preemie baby And not one that makes it Like where they go on the ask the Photoshop thing and they're like take all the tubes away

I'm gonna make a card for my sister I'm not so into this one sees those appearing in this joke under protest So meanwhile so we cut to redbeard he's torturing the creature from the black lagoon No Eli had it even better. What did you have Eli? Oh yeah, see now I had it down as Rhino Ninja Turtle. I think it was Rhino Ninja Turtle. I think it was better still. It's this one-eyed, one-horned, flying, green, green people eater.

So totally different. So here's what I thought the plot of the movie was at this point. The first time I saw it, because I watched this twice. But the first time I saw it, I thought the plot of the movie was at this point the first time I saw it because I watched this twice But the first time I saw I thought the plot of this movie and this is not the plot of the movie So I'm not spoiling anything But I thought the plot of this movie is that this guy is bleeding these creatures and making more creatures That's what I thought the plot of the movie was and that's what it seems to be implying But it never ever ever is the case

You know, like it's a ever, ever is the case. It's a completely lost and useless scene and it doesn't make a lot of sense, but that is what I thought was happening, but I was completely wrong. No, it turns out just that at some point later in the movie, it will be useful for him to have tortured a frog clops. Right? And so they do that. Yeah.

Yeah, no, they definitely needed to do Chekov's torture of a rhino ninja turtle. Yeah. Spoiler alert. Do you think they shot the frog clops escape and they were like, guys, what's the frog clops' motivation? That's interesting. So, so okay. And this is- We need a nice spit on your grave, but with a frog clop going on here. So, but then Princess Monster Hunter comes in and she's like, basically she just looks

like, looks at us and says, you're supposed to think that that lady was a guy from earlier. The woman one with the fetus helmet. What up, what up, torture ego frog pops. I see no follow ups. Anyways, they put a chick in a big helmet and I don't know who that was supposed to fool, but I want to plunge or clunge if you know what I'm saying. Arrange for me to fist fight her in the next 26 minutes. And this gift card is yours. So, okay. So then we cut to the good guys. They're two days travel from the Monsters Lair.

We know that because they say at the beginning of the scene, we'll be there in about two days. But as they're walking along, they hear a woman screaming. And this is another moment where like the average listener who didn't watch the movie is going to think I'm fucking exaggerating at how explicit this lady screams I'm using western manners. Well, now I lost it. Damn it. So, yeah. So the monster hunters, they send the scout there. They're like, you go ahead and find out what's going on. I'm like, well, she's being kidnapped. She just yelled that out loud. It's pretty obvious what's happening. You don't have to be a genius.

You don't need to send a scout over here until you're right now. So yeah, so they and then like the scout shows up then everybody all 16 of the rest of them they they all like line in behind him and one guy turns to the scout and it goes because what's the situation I'm like there's a bunch of people in a black cloak tying a woman to an altar what the fuck do you think is the situation, man? Like how many ways can you explain this particular goddamn set of facts? That's why you send a scout. Come back with detailed information. Yeah. So then they're like, so what do you think we do? We save her and the one guy, the French

French guy is going like, no, no, we don't want to save her. That would be a whole thing. Cause then what would we do with her? Yeah. I got to watch her no we don't want to save her that would be a whole thing cuz then what would we Do with her yeah, I gotta watch her. I don't want to babysit Why would you like I feel like you could just let her go and Or make it a child if it's something you're worried about having to take care of right? Yeah, right So but but then like the good guys that want to intervene or just like well We could just intervene and he's like god damn it and they they interview Yeah, and then this this is a part a, where one of the guys throws an ax and he throws this ax.

And again, this could have been fine if they would have just moved the camera just a little bit, but this guy has a full foot, big belly, fake big belly in front of him, full of blood that just explodes. It just explodes like a dead alive blood package. But boom and everything, I mean everything gets covered. It's like a cannon full of blood. It's amazing. It's so dumb. So yeah, so they kill all the black cloaked sacrifice cult guys. And then the boss, the French guy, well, he turned Scottish now cause he's really angry. Oh, this is so good.

He yells at him for saving the lady. It's since he saved the lady and it's, and they're like, well, we were just trying to save the lady. And he says, and they're like, he said, we were just, I forget exactly what the line that leads up to it. Cause he says after that, they say, well, we're just, we're just trying to be heroes or something like that he goes well then start acting like that and he gets so mad and I started crying again it's amazing it is genuinely an Oscar worthy moment the second part of this movie that had me in tears

oh my god standing so and we should we haven't mentioned yet that the the character that's like supposed to we're supposed to think is a guy but is actually a woman is this character the boss characters daughter. Yeah. Right. So that that'll come up late. Well, actually, I won't it'll never fucking matter but it'll come up. So okay, so that night they're all camping again. Lady john I have her as she comes in to apologize to her dad for rescuing that lady. These are the actual lines that sat next to each other on the script. Quote, is that what you think this is about? Her? Well, it's what I thought it was about.

Jesus fucking Christ. And again, we cannot exaggerate how bad her accent is. It's like Eli surprised Heath with an accent. Yeah. Right? He goes, do you know how reckless that was? And I'm like, well, then that is what it was about, man. What was it about? Yeah. Yeah. What are you talking about? It was what she thought. No, she was on point. Yeah. No, I was going to say it is. Yeah. Absolutely.

I thought it was what I thought it was thought it was about. So, and then while they're talking, we cut out and we see this one, like guy nine is fucking the human sacrifice lady that they that they just rescued. Cast members, hot wife agreed to do a sexy cast members, hot wife agreed to do a sexy. So she made her a succubus or maybe a vampire. It's not good, but she agreed to do a sex and a fight with her pants off. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah So yes, so she gets done having sex and she like pulls guy nine's heart out of his chest and starts eating it Yeah, right sad night for guy none. Well, it's a weird one. Well, yeah, right up some mixed mixed Yeah mixed night mixed night, but like the message then is well, I guess they should have just let the human sacrifice

is, well, I guess they should have just let the human sacrifice cult do their job. Yeah. Should have listened to Guy too. Okay. Way to go, stupid. Let me throw this out there. I feel like it was on the guys in robes when they started being attacked to be like, Hey, hey, hey, we understand how this looks, but we assure you she is a succubus. Let's talk this through.

Well, to be fair, they like introduced themselves by throwing an axe into that guy's beer belly, right? So like that's... I'm not saying it didn't require quick action. I'm saying it requires some action. I can see. I understand being shocked for a moment by that. Yeah.

So okay. So then the monster lady rolls up on the camp, still snacking on dude's heart, and it's time for a half naked demon lady fight. She underhands that dude's heart right into that guy's face. Yeah. It's so funny. It's so fast. She softballs for us.

And it hits him right in the face. Great start. And then so we get like, so like they fight her for a while. She kills a couple of them. And then Sigurd comes out and he's like, I'm the most badass. I'll take her on one on one. Hold the phone. Wait a minute, no illusions.

There is a fight where she goes after one of the chubby dudes who pulls a falchion out. Now, the falchion is a curved sword, and he takes a swing at her. She dodges, like slits his throat with her claw, or punches him through the gut with her claws or something. And then she pulls the sword away from him, stabs him with it, and then she pulls him back to like hold him like you would a hostage.

But Falchions only have edge on one side. And he uses the false edge on his neck on the other side to cut his throat a few seconds later. But they have to CG it in because there's no blood pack. And she uses a dull ass blade on his neck because it's literally just a square bit of Metal that she's placing up against how we rug burn Tries to cut it with jugglers knives or something my sword nerddom couldn't let that pass without mentioning I'm at by apologize fair fair. So yeah, but we watched the fucking best choreography they have

eventually So yeah, but we watched the fucking best choreography they have. Eventually Sigurd stabs her through the belly and then he does a Jack reach her head butt just to be sure. You know that he blocks one blow. She has a sword. He blocks one blow with his Grieve and his Grieve is basically a shin guard. So while he's fighting, he lifts his leg up really high with his shin card to block a shot. It's outstanding.

It is outstanding. You can't miss this one. Yeah. When he killed her, I really wanted him to turn to the daughter he had just been arguing about the consequences with and be like, you were saying? Yeah, I'm right. Well. So, okay.

So now it's the next day, they're sneaking through the woods and the greatest tracker in all the world is trying to track down The monster so they have him see like a whole damn tree snapped in half Go on Fucking animal any of the clues not have a yellow goddamn arrow above them The hand might as well be pointing in the direction of the bone devil. It's so good Well, and then apparently they realize that they're like, well, and then have him like smell some dirt or something.

So they know he's like really, really tracking it. I wanted him to like, cause often, and this is what they do in this, they'll grab a bit of blood and they'll smell the blood and then they'll taste it. I was hoping he was going to lick the end of the hand just to be like, okay, is this what this is a human? No, it's a human. It's a hand. No, I's a hand. It's a hand. No, I was right the first time.

Dips his finger into the finger. So they come across the clearing where the last group of guys fought the Bone Devil. It's night now. Yeah. Apparently they wanted to make sure they could fight the Bone Devil at night. They could have established at some point, oh, the bone devil only comes out at night. We have to fight him at night or whatever. They didn't. It's just that their costume looks so fucking bad.

They can't do this during the day. And then the guy with the wig is the first guy to get killed. Yes. Then his fucking wig like goes sideways on his head as he falls down. That's how hard he gets hit. Yeah. Yeah. So they they circle up, you know, and there's too many of them to circle. So they're making this huge 17 guy circle. Well, 16, because Wig is dead now.

And all of a sudden, like, you know, guy 13 is just like, I'm sick of your rules. I'm going to go over here and fight the bad guy. Well, that's a terrible idea, man. Why would you do that? Yeah, he gets his ass kicked real fast. Yes, he does. Yeah, right. Right. So then, so they, so they start one at a time in the bone devil, right? They start fighting him. Yeah, sure. Guy seven does. I write in my notes, not guys seven, but he was the one with the daughter, right? He's the Japanese guy. So when he dies, Oh no, He says, say Noah. What does he say? Hey Noah.

Sorry. What does he say? As he does. What does the Japanese person say when he dies? He might as well say Domo Aragato Mr. Roboto, right? He goes, is dying words, which are printed on the screen in a different font from everything else. Different font, fantasy Japanese font. Only subtitles we get the entire film. Right. It just says, he goes, Arigato. Sayonara. Yep.

I shit you not. It was outstanding. Definitely rewind worthy. Yeah, absolutely. But ultimately, the good guys, they kill the bone devil. Lady John cuts off its head by stabbing it in the balls somehow Editing is so bad in this fight. Oh, it's terrible

And and what I love too is as the guys dead or dying on the ground But I might have been before he said erigato might have been afterwards But they're they're all like several of them are sort of doing like the wake viewing where they're like stopping on the ground to like Hug their dead friend as he died and they jump back into the fight real quick and then another person's like okay it's my turn. Yeah sorry. The bone devil gets down with him. So and then we so but they kill the the bone demon and we cut back to the peanut gallery

the group of thieves that's being told this movie and they're like oh well we're just here to pad the runtime obviously right what else could we possibly be doing here yeah yeah and like again as Eli said they're roasting the movie at this point they're like well that's kind of anticlimactic isn't it you would have thought with a big fight with the bone devil you guys have done a little bit more i have to be clear that's not Noah doing a joke no they say they say their words yeah that was kind of anticlimactic wasn't it and I was like well if you're gonna do my job do I do the around the fire so but then they're like but, that can't be the end of the movie. You haven't told us why you're missing that eye yet. Right?

There's more to the story. And he's like, well, yeah, no, obviously there's more to the, we're only 45 minutes into the thing with the eye. You're going to find out it's actually pretty lame. So like the dagger, it's the dagger in the eye or the two draws. So the two things get revealed and you're not going to like either one of them. You ever tell you like you come home and you're mad about something and you tell your wife and then you're realizing as you're telling the story that you're the villain?

Yes. Because you suck. And so you have to be like, anyways, I didn't tell you enough. I was nine the first time I saw a Batman comic. You just tried to add sympathy. That's what he's doing around the campfire. Right. So, okay.

So, but we doodly-doo from there into a feast that the king threw for them to celebrate their victory over the bone demon. Right? And this is, KSORBS comes back and we're like, oh, okay. So this isn't the last, that wasn't the last we'll see of KSORBS. You know, like I said, it was the last we saw of Eric Roberts though. Okay. I have to talk about the construction of this scene because I think I went into some kind

of psychotic fugue state. Here's how I would describe this scene. Kevin Sorbo, the war hero, is telling a story of him and the King's conquering and everyone in the room is giving him notes. That's exactly it. Yeah. And they tried to make this into a bit. They do it again in the very next scene, right?

Where apparently they're trying to make a comedy beat of, you know, Kevin Sorbo keeps trying to tell his war stories, but he's really bad at telling stories. But again, but it becomes meta again, right? It's just like this window into this fucking writer's universe where he's like, telling stories is fucking hard, okay? And he's always trying to stories is fucking hard, okay? And he's always trying to tell you how to make the stories better.

Aren't they, this isn't relatable, isn't it? What does that mean, middle? Middle's all the parts except the end. Yes. How would I know when it's over? It seriously felt like they were workshopping a story for like a creative writing 101. Yes.

And all those people are sitting around giving him feedback the whole time is amazing. And he's really bad. I don't know if it's just, I mean, maybe he was, maybe Kevin Sorbo, benefit of the doubt, was just acting like he's really bad at it. But he really seemed like he was really bad. I feel like he was telling a story from the set of Hercules and they just caught this on camera and they were like, under the moon!

Okay, so then Lady Melania comes in to show her appreciation. Lady John realizes that, you know, for as long as they've been trying to kill this bone devil, he sure didn't have a lot of scars on him. Yeah, wow. That might come back. Also, just one other thing I have to point out about this scene, because it's one of my favorite things to see in films. It's rare, but occasionally when they feed extras, the extras are actually being fed.

And that's never been more obvious than it is in this scene. There is this one girl, she's my fucking hero, who's just like, we got everything that they had at Old Country Kitchen. We did like a big thing of it, and then we could have seconds or thirds or whatever we want. So there is a whole dramatic scene happening, I'm not kidding you, less than a foot from her face, and she is grinning ear to ear

as she bites into her second country baked biscuit. So, okay, so then we cut to KSORB's telling more, more so we could get the same fucking scene again, right? Of him like fucking up his story. I think they forgot they did this scene already. Yeah, something like that. They get to the edit and they're like, there's no way to cut the one without the other man

or something. Yeah. So, but he does this to the point where he just is like, okay, yada, yada, yada, yada, the story ended anyway. He does he totally yard is it so then lady Melania comes and she wants to see ks orbs So he gets up we realize the actor and not the character is very inebriated And we have to I want to talk about something that makes me very happy when they walk out of the scene There's an extra who literally just turns to everyone and goes, I liked this scene of the movie. Yeah, right.

No, I have a speaking line now too. I was in this one. Hi, mom. So, so meanwhile, guy 11 and guy 12 are flirting with Princess Monster Hunter, but she wants to know more about guy three. And that is of course Lady John. Yeah. So what's your buddy's dick like?

So, and then we also get the younger princess. She's introducing Guy 1 and Lady 3 to the princess, to the older Princess, right? It's where she delivers this amazing line. And I'm imitating her accent, but I think I'm getting this about right. Congratulations on killing the boon devil. Mm-hmm. Spot on, Noah.

Okay, I thought I pretty much had that, yeah. Yeah, you got it, you got it. Okay, and so but then Her and and lady John start talking and she decides that she wants to challenge lady John to a sword fight Don't done done says real like you know how like Marjorie Taylor green Looks when she thinks she's like doing a gotcha about trans people. That's the vibe of this scene. All right, well, promising a sword fight in the next scene is the closest thing this movie will ever get

to building suspense. So we're going to take a break here. But first, let me give Act Three the hard sell. Will Princess Monster Hunter and Lady John roll D20s to see who wins the sword fight? Will someone in this movie try to sell us overcooked turkey legs? Will Cecil manage to contain his sword rage for the remainder of the episode?

No. Find out the answers to the other questions. Nice spoiled that one. But the other two will find out when we return for the rinse repeat conclusion of Devil's Night. But with a K. Hey, thanks for agreeing to do the live show plug with us, Cecil. But with a K. Hey, thanks for agreeing to do the live show plug with us, Cecil. Yeah, no problem. You guys are going to Portland? Yeah, and there's only like 50 tickets left.

Amazing, guys. Good for you. That's awesome. Yeah, alright. Here you go. Right here. Okay, I'm the pink lines? Yeah. Okay, here we go. Hey, knuckle fuckers! Wait, why am I starting that way? Well, keep reading.

It'll be obvious. Yeah, I'm again. Hey, knuckle fuckers! It's me, Cecil. Me and Tom heard these cock gobblers are having a live show in Portland on May 24th, but bad news twigsuckers. Twigsuckers? Wait.

You gotta let it flow. If you let it flow, it'll all... Every ticket you don't buy, Tom and I are gonna buy and donate to a literal Nazi. Dude, what? Cecil, please. Um... Listen up. That's right. Heavily armed Nazis will be at the Portland show unless you buy all the tickets.

I am not kidding. I am Cecil. Guys, I'm not gonna do this. I'm sorry. I'm not. You heard him, folks. Head to GodOfTheMoviesLive.com and get your tickets today because every ticket you don't buy, Tom and Cecil will buy for a literal Nazi. Our health and well-being is at stake. GodawfulMoviesLive.com. Just do a normal thing, like one time. No.

No. With this venom, a man can be paralyzed while still feeling everything. Oh, you don't say my lord go Shailing shango say that's just when a pleasure saw Dallon go Hanong the sword Sorry, he didn't quite get that Hanong the so-called word Something's Sorry, he didn't quite get that. How long the sword? Something s-sword?

Yeah, no, no, I'm getting sword. Sword definitely- Don't mock me! No, that's different than last time. I think she's mad. Hmm? Such insolence. Such insolence!

Nice, nice. Yeah, I got that one. Don't listen to me. Such an anagak with bare chest on two. You will meet your price on the dinner of the sword. Again all I'm getting is sword. Sword. Sword?

Sword. No. Now you're just adding consonants. Such a nanonna or. And we're back for still more of this delightful bullshit. We're going to rejoin the action panning over a castle model made from poster board. They have a castle. There's a real castle, but like clearly there's a fucking Waffle House behind it or something

like that. They can't get an aerial of it. So they've got this poster board casual and they put like two light bulbs in it. They're like, no, it's all lit up. Definitely light bulbs, yeah, 100%. The music is bagpipes, but we cut over to a drum and a lute. Right, yeah.

And so the crowds gathered around for the big sword fight between Lady Monster Hunter and Lady John. At this point, Redbeard turns to Lady Monster Hunter and he's like, hey, you know, I have a cheat code in the form of this poison-tipped dagger that this movie's ostensibly about, right? And she's like, no, I don't need it now. He's like, are you sure? Because that would make this whole part of the movie pointless. Right, why would he be telling this part? Yeah.

Yeah. Also, did you guys see Tiny Crown? Yes! So, podcast listener, what happened is in the first three quarters of the movie, the king is wearing a crown that fits him. And in between takes, he lost it. So for the rest of the movie movie he will be wearing very clearly the crown that the princess was wearing in the earlier scenes but it doesn't fit

it's too small so it just rests on top of his head like a little King fascinator I talk about it the rest of my notes for the rest of the film are tiny crown tiny crown crown so crown, crown so tiny. It's so hard because there's so much to distract you from what's actually happening in the movie. Like at this point in the movie, we've got this crowd, quote unquote, right? It's all gathering around and there are two people going, whoo, yeah, trying to sound like a big crowd of people.

It's amazing. It feels worse than nothing. What's great is that some of them understand they're supposed to do Renaissance cheering. Right. Some of them are doing normal modern sports cheering. Fuck them up! Yeah, right. Yeah, put them in a body bag!

I say, princess, demonstrate your skill. Get them! Yeah, right, right. Rules. Defense! So. Bitchers got a big. So yeah, it's okay. So the sword fight starts. And once again, as I write into my notes,

how's their technique here? See, so Princess monster hunter just sort of ineffectually taps the other lady. She just like throws like a throws like a kind of a, it's like a half beat, but it doesn't, she's completely out of rage. Doesn't make any sense. But I do want to point everybody, I got to admit that they're fighting the one, the lady of the castle is fighting single sword and lady monster hunter is fighting sword and buckler and listeners, I own the same buckler. Oh you mean the Mortal Kombat guy's hat? The Mortal Kombat guy's hat?

I saw the same buckler and I took a picture of it and I put it in the notes. I saw that. I saw that. I do see that. Same buckler guys. I own the same thing. It's probably cooler than it looks in the picture. We probably have the same armor. I actually have this buckler too. Yeah. Between us. Yeah. I actually have this buckler too. I call it a walk and I use it for like tried right. It's cool. Yeah, no, definitely.

Yeah. So yeah, so they start sword fighting and at first Princess Monster Hunter wins long enough to reveal that Lady John is actually a lady. Dun, dun, dun. To be clear, when they announced the fight, they say we're going to fight till first blood and Princess Sarah Huckabee Sanders gets first blood and then they just keep fighting. No, we're going to keep doing this. Yeah.

Yeah. 100%. Well, so so she reveals she's a lady, by the way, by taking her helmet off and she's got this gigantic mop of hair. Right. And the crowd all gasp and they're like, that was a lady the whole time and nobody noticed it until right now guys. None of her, none of her 45 compatriot monster hunters knew that she was a lady except for her dad. And they're all kind of like kicking

the ground. They're like, Oh man, this really puts me in an awkward situation. I don't know that. Like, yeah, right, right. But yeah, but the fight goes on and we know that Lady John is serious now because she does a couple of sword figure eights. Yeah. As Cecil will tell you, powers up the sword. Yeah. A hundred percent powers up. She vaders a couple of times. It's pretty great actually. Yeah. We are. I wrote my notes here and I bolded it, underline it and put it in all caps.

We are torturing Cecil right now. Yeah. It was something else. It was definitely something else. Yeah. They actually, to be honest though, this, this scene was probably shot better than most of the other ones. It's terrible choreography, but at least the edits cover up a lot of the slop. The monster stuff is so bad in this. It's laughable. At least this kind of quasi looks like it, but it's still pretty bad. Although Cecil, did you see the part where they go close up on the blades of the swords and you can see where they're all chipped up because they're actually using these fucking swords to do sword fighting.

These are stage swords, man. 100%. Yeah. So yeah. But then ultimately Lady John wins and Sarah Huckabee Sanders is so mad that she grabs the poison tip dagger and Tries to kill Lady John with it. Lady John, you know gets just risk control and accidentally stabs and

Accidentally, yeah murders. Yes murders. Yeah princess. It was to be fair. She didn't know that the tip was poison, right? She thought she was just regular stabbing her in the heart. Yeah, exactly. Yeah I mean, how would you know that it has hook beast poison on it? No, right? You don't learn it's in that gentle parenting book. You're allowed to stab them with their own dag Yeah, right. No, absolutely the best line in this whole thing though is when they're fighting and then he the buckler punch, there's a buckler punch, the lady falls down, the sort of princess falls down and the monster hunter lady is sort of declared the winner. Now this is right before she stabs her with the dagger, but she's declared the winner

and one of these ladies is leaning up against the pole and she goes, bravo, I was not expecting that. And I was like, that's an I said, that's an amazing line. That's so good. Again. I am surprised by the outcome of this sword fight. Yes. What an interesting twist.

And then, yeah. I'm from Oswego, New York. And then we get this king, the guy who looked at Lady Melania and thought, no, I'm not that level with my accent work. That guy has to do the, my daughter is dying level of acting and it goes great. It's very good. They leave such a long pause where he's supposed to be like acting

and you see the actors just sort of standing behind him. I wanted them to be like, well, we should probably head out. Yeah, so that's a no. Time to go. Is there a room where the coats are on a bed? Just get a room where we can go get the coats. Yeah, and the king goes like,

throw them all in the dungeon. And K-Storms is like, are you sure? Because like it was totally, it was her dagger. It's totally fair. Daughter murder there, right? And they outnumber us 45 to 30. Well, that's the other thing. Yeah, right. Yeah, there's three of us. Outnumber the whole kingdom.

Right. Yeah, but he begrudgingly follows the king's order, right? So, okay. So now we cut to the Lost Blades in the dungeon and they're all mad at him. They're like, how did you not tell us that Lady John was a woman? And he's like, how the fuck did you not know? It's so clear. It's so obvious to every single person. They're like passing around a speaking stick. Um, so I. Oh, boy. OK, I'm trying not to cry.

I feel like you betrayed my trust when you snuck a lady daughter into our. In future, I would like you. Oh, boy. You know, I'm not ready. I'm not ready. Someone else take the speaking chamber pot and Lady John's French accent, which we somehow have not talked about. It's just like it almost gets lost in the sea of bad accents, but it's probably the worst accent in the entire movie and it's getting worse. Right. Like she's like she's ramping up. Yeah. Yeah. right. I wanted her to drop it when they knew she wasn't a man anymore She could be like, oh thank god. Anyways, how's it going? Yeah, that accent. I'm crystal

so then we cut outside and there's like a lynch mob that's shown up that all wants to kill the The the lost swords for killing the daughter the princess, right? and what when we see this we get the sounds of like crowds of hundreds of people. Yeah. But there's eleven people. Yes. But there but there are four of them. So, yeah, because. Right. So that's the thing. This whole movie, there's always like either way too many people

or way too few people at all fucking times in this movie. There's never the proper number of goddamn people at any point And kevin breaks this whole scene open, right? So I have always had the thought in these movies when there's a crowd outside that want to kill the overpowered heroes Why don't you just let them through the heroes would obviously just kill them all. And so that's what Kevin Sorbo does. He's like, yeah, no good in there, but go get powerful warriors, all 98 of them out of their cell. And they're like, well, well now we chicken out. Yeah, right.

Right. Yeah. So, so they're like, all right, well, no, no. The best part though, the best part though is they made Kevin Sorbo say that the lady John was the best sword fighter in the kingdom. They made his character in this movie, admit that a woman fighter is the best in the kingdom. Oh shit. Yeah.

Go broke. Just want to say way to go woke. Yep. Kevin Sorbo. No, God's not dead 74 for you. So he heads out to get reinforcements. Then we cut back to Redbeard. He's torturing the Frog Clops again. I wanted him to be talking to the Frog Clops about work drama.

And then she was like, I'm not going to use the dagger. But then she turns around and uses it and it's how she dies. So I feel like that's going to come back on me. Oh, no, you're right. I do need to learn to like say things early, but I'm a people pleaser. This is it. And it's how she dies. So I feel like that's going to come back on me. No, you're right. You're right. I do need to learn to like say things early, but I'm a people pleaser. No, it's not. It's it's it's from my mom. Like it comes from I told you all that. Are you going to escape and snap my neck?

Yeah. Yeah. Right. Right. Yeah. So OK. So Lady Melania comes in to get mad at him and she catches him torturing the frog clops. And she's like, wait, you torture frog clops in here? And he's like, I torture fucking frog clops. This is where I torture fucking frog. It's none of your goddamn business. This is what I do. You were actually earlier in this room with the frog clops. I know that you forgot. Yeah. So, but then he's, but he's heard enough of her bullshit. So he kills her and then her daughter runs up and it is like, mama, no.

And we're like, who the fuck is her daughter? Have we met this character yet? One time, one single time. And they killed the daughter off screen, which is such a weird line for these people to draw. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Take the daughter away.

Who was in this writer's room or director's room and was like, Hey guys, I think we could all agree that would be a little bit disfaceful if we fake kill the princess on screen. So right before the Ninja turtle rhino escapes and starts smushing people's heads together. Yes. We should do a nice tasteful thunk kill of her in an offscreen moment. Am I right? Yeah. I think we all agree here, right? Yeah, cuz during the commotion here the frog clops escapes. Did anybody catch how I don't know it just stands up

He's actually always been able to get out. He's just a masochist. He's kind of been into the No, do it slower red beard, yeah, they don't speak frog clops, but he's just been like do my cloaca do my cloaca So the frog gloves he escapes he kills red beard off-screen and we're like isn't red beard the main bad guy There's 20 fucking minutes in this thing right anymore. Now. It's the fuck no frog. Yeah. Well, right. Yeah, so then yeah So he goes rampaging through the castle Yeah Frog Clops. Yeah, right. Yeah, so then yeah, so he goes rampaging through the castle Yeah, and this thing is fucking run into the castle and this is my favorite choreography of the movie because it's these this fucking Frog Clops is beating people up like it owes them money. Yeah, it's like slamming heads against the wall He likes punching people in the stomach. He's like stomping on their foot

It's so good truly it is it is just that fight where Ben Marguera fought those guys at that truck stop. But in a rubber suit. It's almost moment for moment. It's so fucking good. It's amazing, dude. There's this great moment where the fucking the guards run out to the courtyard and they're like, run for your lives. And there's these three passer spies that are like, so what do lives. And there's these three passer-by that are like, so what are you supposed to be meant by that? So. Yeah.

Yeah. She literally says, that's a strange thing to say. Yes, that was peculiar. What a peculiar thing to say. Yeah. So, and then bloody guards come out and the monster comes out and one little lady screams stupidly

and we get some more Cecil's best, we're some more of the neck blood. So many of her blood packs here. There's like five of them that are going off. It's amazing. They're just squishing by at a certain point. Yeah. They also, I don't know when, but they bought fake intestines

sometime in between the last scene and this one, because for the rest of the movie, a monster will also grab intestines out of at least one person in every scene. And it's the same intestine. Over and over again. Dirty. It's got carpet lint on it. No, it looks like, remember the wacky wall walkers like after you've used them seven or eight times? Yeah, exactly. That lady's biscuit is stuck to the end of it. Insane. This is also when Sorbo, cause like Sorbo's on the ground and one of his, like a couple of his guys are starting to move away and run

away and Sorbo gives his Friday night light speech. He's like, you know, you signed up for this and we got to sometimes lay our lives down. It's like, so I want you guys to get in there and you don't want you to give it hell and you guys go take care and kill that thing for coach. I'm going to go hit the shower. I'm going to run away and go find something else to do. You guys go take it. And then they both just go get killed by the goddamn. They just immediately die so fast.

He's like, he like kills one of them. And then he just starts punching the other one in the face. He's like, where's my money? them and then he just starts punching the other one in the face. He's like, where's my money motherfucker? Where's my money? And it's like, and then Cerberus is like, well, I'm just going to go away now for a little bit. Well, and I just say, we should, we have to point out that at this point, like there is no indication that the movie is aware of how funny that is, right? Like the movie does not seem to be, like that was just like a tongue in cheek. Oh, he's a very cowardly character, but he's not supposed to be. Yeah. Right. He's supposed to

be like a hero. Yeah. Yeah. So meanwhile, okay. So the king is looking at the dagger that this is ostensibly about the one that killed his daughter, right? And K sorbs comes in and he delivers this amazing goddamn, like the one that I would argue is the best of the entire movie. He goes, we have a monster loose in the castle. And guys, he delivers it with all of the, this is what my career is, self-awareness that we just dream of Kevin Sorbo delivering a line with. It's amazing. So we come back outside, This one lady just walks up and smacks the frog clops. So he pulls her intestines out. And isn't this the part two where they reintroduced the Kings brothers

so they can have a little bit of conflict before the end of the movie for no reason? Yeah, yes. That's the Kings brothers like, hello, it's me again. You know, I've been thinking about that time I have said, oh, oh, God, kill my monster. have My monster. I'm sorry crap. Yeah, the movie might still be about our relationship So and then we cut to check off comic relief over here the guy who is like obviously supposed to be the court jester But never did a funny at any fucking point in the movie, and then he dies The monster kills him too Yeah, he sacrifices himself. Yep like to save the little like like I guess the princess the princesses monsters coming at him Dude has already been like his blood packs already out

Yeah, and he's on the ground and the monster is sort of walking over He's like does this bitch got some money and he starts walking over to her and then that's when he screams out something like I Laugh when they torture you and then he comes running away and then the girl who doesn't realize he's doing that so she can run away just stands there and screams for a whole minute. Right. And he's like, well, God damn it. Yeah, this is useless. I did this for nothing. And so, OK, so while this was all going on, we skipped over this because this movie is so stupid. We had to. But the the good guys escape from their dungeon during all of this, right?

Oh, yeah, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The bone monster kills the guard that's guarding them and he drops the keys near them. So they escape. And so they're running, they're leaving, right? They're like, oh, monster. Fuck this, I'm out. Fuck all of this shit.

We're not getting paid for this one. No, I got to go level up before I take this thing on. Yeah, I'm definitely going to go out. Yeah, right. No, he's level 11. I'm just six. We're going to find a couple of very small frog clops outside. Yeah, I'm definitely gonna go out. Yeah, right. No, he's level 11. I'm just six. We're gonna find a couple of very small Frog-clops outside

So and then they were leaving and then the fucking bone devil shows up because that suit was too Expensive for them to stop using halfway through the fucking movie This is where the bone devil rips that dude's face off Yeah, yeah, and he also pulls out the same guts he pulled used in the last scene. Yeah. Cause the frog clops, he's like, if the frog clops gets to do intestines, I get to do intestines guys. I do too. Yeah. So we see that again. And then we cut to now, I guess the king is fighting frog clops, right? And apparently Kevin Sorbo's job is to stand like close to the king, holding his hands over the little princess, go and stay there, stay back.

Yeah. And watch the king die fighting the frog clops. Yep. It felt like a tag team fight. Like he couldn't go in until he actually got tagged by the king. You know, he's standing there. He's got his, he's reaching in, he's on the rope and he's reaching in, but the king can't get him because the frog clops has like got him in the sleeper hold, you know, for five minutes.

Yeah. So, yeah, so the, but the frog clops kills the king. So Kevin Sorbo picks up his, his sword and he's, he's like doing this pose that's clearly like they're going to probably put this one on the cover. This is the cover this one on the cover 100 the cover. Yeah, so he and well and this is amazing again I have to remind the audience that this movie is not doing this in a self-aware way, right? While he's posing for the fucking cover of the dvd

The daughter the young daughter sneaks up behind the frog clops and stabs him with the poison dagger. Yeah, work smarter, not harder. Smart. I'm telling you, man. It's weird that the poison from the horn beast works on the horn beast. You wouldn't think that it would. Yeah. I hate to be the guy who finds plot holes, but that one did occur to me.

Maybe they left it out at room temperature for a while, and then it went back in. Oh, yeah. Yeah, bacteria. And embolism. Well, and then again, I don't think they were trying to make Kevin Sorbo into a cowardly character again, but he's been stabbed by a poison that paralyzes him.

So then Kevin Sorbo stabs him a bunch of times and goes, got him. Got him. Yeah. Well. All right alright little lady. Fucking Jew. Wait, what? Cut that part. That's not in the lines, Kevin.

Just keep the part where I stood there with the sword. Yeah. Eric's throwing up in my car. Hard. Hard. With his whole body. So, okay, so then we cut to our good guys. They're now running away from the castle where they know there to be a rampaging frog clops and bone devil.

Right? That's the tag team. That's the other tag team. Yeah, right. Exactly. Well, the frog clops is dead now, but they don't know that. Well, yeah, we didn't know. He got hit with a chair. Right. So, yeah, but they're running away and the bone devil shows back up and guy number two,

the lady John's dad, he stops and he goes, you go on, I will fight him on the bridge. And they're like, well, you're just totally going to get killed. And he's like, no, I'm not. And then he totally gets killed. Shouldn't we all stop and fight him together since we're all going to fight him eventually? And he's like, no, I want to do this one solo. Okay, I have to talk about the moment the bone devil kills him because the bone devil grabs his throat and then he grabs the bone devil's throat and the bone devil looks at

him like, that's nothing. That's what I'm doing. I'm a bone devil. I've got bones that's covering that whole area. What would that even... You sure? I'm not getting you? I thought maybe I was getting you the way you...

because this hurts. Hold on, let me move my thumb a little bit. I'm moving it up. I'm moving it up. How about this? Nope. How about down? Down? Nope. Catch it out. Over to the side. Vulcan neck pinch. Where is your Adam's apple? And he starts tapping on his neck to see where it is. It's like he's trying to find a stud. I'm gonna tickle you I'm going to tickle you. Okay, I'm dead. So yeah, so he's like, so he kills them. He kills the dad and everybody's like, run away, be as cowardly as possible throughout every part of this movie. And they're like, okay, all right. Yep. So then, and oh, by the way, we should point out that like while the fucking guy at the bone devil is strangling the dude, The plastic finger on the costume, one of them is bent all the way backwards. So different.

It's like a big bike cleaner. And it's just wiggling around like a wacky waving inflatable flailing arm flailing tube man. Oh, it's outstanding. Yeah. So, okay. So now it's the next day and a couple of the survivor good guys, because most of them got killed by the bone devil at this point, a couple of them are sneaking through the woods, right?

The number of guys and which guys keeps fucking changing. It sure does. Right? Because they look up apparently like six of them are still alive, but we're only seeing two of them at a time. And we're like, what are we watching? Also, what did the bone devil do for 12 hours? Yeah, right, right.

Yeah. Catch up right. Yeah. Catch up on severance. Okay, I killed the main French guy. I'm going to go home. I'm going to see how season two ends. Get a nap. Because everyone's talking about it on Reddit and I'm going to scroll past it and I'm going to see.

Well, it gets a long rest, you know. It's a refill of spell slots. Oh no, I need to get my spell slots back. Yeah, exactly. Well, it makes sense now. So yeah, but so they sneak around for an entire day because they can't show this costume during the day. Nope.

They sneak around for the whole day to try to fight him again. They fight him in the same fucking place he was before. And I wanted the moment where the like the tracker guy was like, well, that was a waste of fucking time. Man, I did the whole thing. Why did I smell that blood? I didn't even have to smell it. So much blood.

I got so much blood. I leached so much blood. God. It's all I'm going to be smelling for like a week now. Yeah, and so the bone devil shows up and starts fighting him. Guy six dies. And I'm like, not Guy six. And this is where Sigurd, Guy one, gets his eye scratched out. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Right. And that's why you had to tell this whole story because if they were like, what happened to your eye? I'd be like, scratched by a bone devil. Yeah, the demon wolf is like a minor bone devil

I'm not getting a whole bowl of soup out of scratched by a bone devil Yeah, right, and then they pull the exact same guts out of Rob Schneider Yes, the exact same guts make another appearance and Rob Schneider goes. I think that's their fourth appearance Yeah, but ultimately the the team attacks the bone devil and we see the same goddamn fight we've already seen three times in this movie, right? Because we saw it the first time they fought. We saw it when they fought in the castle. We saw it when they fought on the outside of the castle. And now for a fourth goddamn time, these guys are all going to fight the bone devil and they're going to win. They always win too. Yeah. Right. So then, but he gets killed and but like obviously he has healing powers. That

was the whole point. That's why he showed up again anyway. Right? Or was it? Yeah. Or so you think. Yeah. Right. Wait a minute. Don't spoil it guys. Right. Right. So, but Lady John and the fucking bone double fight again. This is the fifth fucking time. Yeah. Cause it snaps itself up like Jason. Yes.

And then she decides, well, you know, I know we were using swords and that was working, but what if I do that choke thing dad did? And we just both go down into the water. To be clear, she has sword fought this thing four times and won on every occasion. And she's like, no, no, no, I'm going to hold

him down in the river and drown myself and sacrifice myself. It's like, really? Why wouldn't you just kill him with the sword again? And then just like cut him into five pieces and keep him in separate boxes or whatever. I don't know. There is, there is her, she falls in. There's the guy who lost his eye, who's still alive. But there's also, Frank is also alive. And he's standing on the side and we never get to know what happens to Frank. No, he's just guy eight. He's just like, hey, you know what?

Frank is just like, no, I just wandered on. I could be a Cooper. Yeah. Maybe I could do that. I don't know, man. Less stressful. There's another Monster Hunter band out there. I can go join them. I don't know. So then, so yeah, so we back out of the doodly-doo

This is where we've caught up with the story apparently now that he's one-eyed and they're and then they're like well Was that how the story ends? That's not a very good end and he's like it's the best Best one I've got What if I told you it was the mother? Yes! And they're like, what possible indications would we or anyone who has been following the story have of that? And he goes, or you? Uh, the thing about mothers is they never give up.

And then the bone devil attacks everybody. Right, and kills everybody in this circle. Which implies he cued the bone devil attacks everybody right and kills everybody in this circle which implies he queued to the bone When I say this you jump down and you kill So what I concluded from this and feel free to argue Jack is that him and the bone devil? Resolve their differences and now go to the countryside. He tells the story gets a free bowl of soup And now, go throughout the countryside, he tells the story, gets a free bowl of soup, then when there's a dramatically tense moment, he's like, the thing about bone, when I say bone, you say devil, you bone. And then she comes in and kills everybody.

This is a romantic comedy. They hashed it out in front of a bonfire, they passed that speak and stick back and forth, they figured it out. I wanted like an interview with them, like the end of Harry Met Sally. And I was like, I've read the Harry ever since. So yeah, so, but yeah, then the like everybody gets killed and Sigurd stands up and he pulls out his sword. The music kicks in and it's time for them to battle one last time. And the movie ends.

The movie's over. Devil's Night! The movie ends in the middle of the final battle. So this movie, this movie that has desperately padded its runtime, right, to get to an hour in 26 minutes, was like, you cannot possibly care about seeing this guy fight this monster again. No, we're not doing another one. You get it.

Yeah, you guys saw this five other times. You're good. You get it. You're okay. You know what happens. And then the last, very last scene, because they do a little bit of like bone devil music. It's like a devil's night song and they do this bone devil music. The song is like watching you, watching me, watching you, watching me, watching. It's like really, really terrible. And then they cut back and it's the red beard guy is alive,

but he's covered in poop. So I don't know what that is. I don't know why. And then he hears a bear scream, which is clearly a bear. And then he turns his head and then that's the actual end of the movie. So I don't know if you guys got that part. You must not have followed through the,

I watched the, all the credits. So I saw that that red beard actually did not die. He must have been thrown down the poop shoot and was landed in the pool. Oh, interesting. So he's he's alive. It was off screen. Like they set it up screen. Yep. So Devil's Night 2. Yes, exactly. Get ready everybody. Part two. Fuck. Yeah. All right. Well, with the promise that if there's a two, see, so we will. I will be back. If we have to break your ass out of prison.

We'll be in it. We will get you back for part two. Okay. Great. All right. So that's going to do it for our review of Devil's Night, but that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to tease you one more time. So Eli, tell us what's on deck.

Depictions of famous biblical stories as well as the end times accompany the overarching plot of a man who continues to avoid church even as the end of the world looms ever closer. We'll be watching Tim Ormond's final film. Okay, now I'm sold. All right, I was not at all sold until you got to Tim Ormond. OK, the second coming. Oh, awesome. All right. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode five a hundred to a mercy. I'm close. Yeah, there should be some boots and stuff there.

We're not done podcasting. No, we're not. We're still coming next week. Yeah, there's still here. We're going to do another five hundred after this one. Yeah. So once again, a huge thanks to Cecil for suffer at all. I can't even make it sound like we suffered this time. We didn't suffer. You're welcome to Cecil.

For enjoying this time with us. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. You're welcome to Cecil. It's a sexual pleasure. And once again, be sure to check out the show notes for links to his other shows. If you haven't checked out the No Rogan Experience yet, the show he does with Michael Marshall,

you absolutely should check it out. It's one of the best podcasts that is currently on your podcast, whatever, catcher, whatever the hell they call it. Once again, huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among the ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful and thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving a five star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. If you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the Scathing Atheist Citation, D&D Minus and the Skeptical Crown, available wherever podcasts live.

If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email goddalfoamoviesatgmail.com. Tim Rapperson takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Salatnik of the Drafts on Mars. All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Clark, and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check of your life this week. For Heath Enright and Eli Bosnik, I'm the illusionist. Promise to work hard and earn another check next week.

Until then, we'll leave you with a Breakfast Club Close. Hiroka, in accordance with new administration guidelines, went on to change their rules regarding DEI. Noah refused to write a Breakfast Club Close because he wants to leave a wide open slate for the sequel's writers. Bone Devil never did get to tell that guy about his car's extended warranty. Ha ha ha! I feel like for this one movie I should have been one, two. We should all do this.

We should each do this in a different accent and we should change accents at each other's social breaks. Change accents at midstream. You never change accents midstream. French to Scottish, because I'm angry. You can't be angry in French. This content is canned credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, French.