God Awful Movies - 53: GAM053 Passion of the Christ LIVE!

Episode Date: August 23, 2016

This week Eli, Heath, and Noah team up for an atheist review of Passion of the Christ, also known as the first inhalation after Mel Gibson's last gasp of sanity. In the first ever live record of God Awful Movies, a sold out crowd at the People's Improv Theater in Midtown Manhattan join us in a night of mockery, revelry, and blatant anti-Semitism. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page. --- This podcast is a production of Puzzle in a Thunderstorm, LLC; copyright 2016, all rights reserved.

The message of this movie should be don't hit people, not don't hit that guy. And they completely go against the message of this movie. 2000 years and today hitting people because that guy got hit. Yes. Like, oh, that was awful. Fuck you, Ellen! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! We have learned nothing! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Go Rangers! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! God awful movie! Movie! Movie! Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? Who will be? illusions and we're coming to you live from the People's Improved Theater and New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New Excellent, excellent. This is an attractive audience. Excellent, excellent. The pit actually doesn't know. They think we're doing a movie with you, but might as well start the orgy now.

We've only got like two hours. It's a good call. That's a good call. Go ahead and start doing weird stuff. Yeah. Well, if we're going to do an orgy, we're one person shy. So please also welcome From stage left my bad friend Eli Bosnik

live show live show What what did I fucking say? What did I fucking say? You said live recording. Where, what, you were to record? I said, it's casual. You can't.

It is on the fucking whiteboard. I put it in the... I can't read that anymore. It's too many. No. It says no showing up to live shows in your underwear. It's right between no fucking away lime disease and Frank Wars are no excuse for orphaning rabbits. It says it's like that's true. It does it does I wore shoes. He did

But we're gonna do this right go back and and put my clothes or something We're gonna do this shit right We're gonna do this shit right. He comes to be before the show, he says, can I walk out in my underwear? I love working with Eli Bosnigar, so we need to give him just a minute. So I have some quick instructions for you, but I want to keep this secret from, you know, who?

So I have to mime it. All right, let me make sure he's ready to go. Here he is ready to go. Let's try that again. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome my bad friend Eli Bosnick. Yeah. Jingle keys. Jingle keys.

Excellent. Do you like my shirt? It's for sale. After the show, as much visual humor as possible. Fuck those people. For those of you listening to the podcast, Eli is jumping, he's doing a little karate, excellent. And he seems to be dressed like he was doing walking laps at a mall earlier today All right gentlemen welcome to leap free It's way more impressive than anything they're gonna do with three All right, so I guess we're ready to get started. He tell us what will we be breaking down today? All right

We watched the passion of the Christ. Yeah, or what I, yeah, or what I like to call the Jews did it by Mel Gibson. To be fair, you can call a lot of movies the Jews did. That is what you have. All the World War II movies. War movies, really. Going all the way back to the... Angels in the Outfield. That was them. That was them.

Yeah. Some good sports thing in that one. Yeah. Those are all the movies I know. That's it. Alright. Andy, like, tell us how bad was this movie? Well, if you like Torture porn, that's it.

This is the Torture porn. That's the movie. But here's the crazy thing. This movie, so here's the thing. The number one feedback we got about when we said we were going to do this is people like, oh, it was so upsetting. When I was a kid, I saw it. It freaked out.

It cried. Had nightmares about it for a week. But there are at least a baker's dozen who figured out they were into BDSM through this movie. There's 12 gay guys in the world who were just sitting there at 11 and they were just like, I want that now! Just trying to get thanked by mom and dad

when he got home and he's just like, what are you gonna do? Get those ribs. I'm a naughty Samia. All right, I just want to tell the people who did not come to the live show that they've now missed Eli's ass cheeks, his boobs, pretty much. Yeah, that's what you get. People, yeah, yeah.

All right, so I've got a. People, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right, so I've got a quick question for the audience here. By Round of applause, how many of you have seen the passions of the Christ? A lot of people. A lot of people. Nice.

That's an awful lot of you, and just to close the loop here, how many of you have not seen passions of the Christ? Smart. A lot more people. Smart. We have a smart a good life choices we have the smartest audience is all right if you need directions or anything you know who to ask on the way are says there anything that you

guys want to nominate this for being the best up being the worst at uh... can i go with sassy sate he is very good they say it just looks like gay albino Jeremy Renner throughout this movie. He looks like he should be judging RuPaul's Drag Race.

He just walks through every shot just... I love your shoes. No, I don't. I don't love your shoes. That's all Satan. Which means that the people who made this movie are so crazy that their version of Satan was just a gay guy Yeah, right, right

A slightly paler version of RuPaul Terrifies the there was the worst thing Mel Gibson could imagine He could have had a snake that shat fire and came you know Glenn Beck's Scripts and instead he was just like I don't know snake that shat fire and came, you know, Glenn Beck's scripts. And instead, he was just like, I don't know. Eh. Shave teeth. Heath is shaved teeth.

Yeah. Shaped. And you have any nominations, Heath? I'm going to say best, best, aromantic movie I've ever seen. Solid. It was fantastic. They literally went out of their way to make this movie more difficult to follow. Yeah.

They put it in three ancient languages that no human being speaks. But that was to hide the anti-Semitism for the most. It wasn't really what. It didn't work. Because if you look in the IMDB thing, like they have a bunch of hidden lines where the Jews are just like, this is all our fault! But they say in their make, but they don't know, Jews search for anti-Semitism. We found it. We were like, uh-uh! We separated out all of the audio tracks and it says we deserve this on this one one, so...

Fuck you you Mel Gibson Was it possibly the best worst Story cover because like over and over again in this movie they basically tell you like Yeah, you know what's going on. They give you these little snippets, little flashback, let's know you know what these people are. Well then why do we need this fucking movie? There we go.

This is the version of like your drunk friend being like, my buddy Alan, he was a Denny's and they fucked him up. And like Mel Gibson shared a guy and he was he was like talking my I want to make that into a movie. Can we torture someone during it? Yup. That's the important thing. Alright well this movie taught us anything except when you got a crowd of people who want

some, you fucking give it to them so we're going to take a brief break and when we come back, we'll resurrect all the misery that was, passions of the crust. Excellent. Hey, Mel, have a seat. Thanks, guys. Always a pleasure. More for something than others, but yeah. So Mel, we got a few concerns about this new Jesus movie you're doing

Consent will it's a perfectly accurate description of the last wheel layers of the life of Christ So I can't imagine what kind of concerns you'd have but okay shoot Okay, well, let's start with the title Jesus and the Jews who killed him colon Jesus and the Jews who killed him, Colin, also they controlled the media. Yeah, perfectly accurate. Like I said, can you please not, not like that? Sorry, mate, should have said, should have said no for licking. Yeah, okay. Well, we were thinking we could maybe go with something less anti-Semitic. Oh, good, yeah, good, Yeah, maybe something like my story. No, no, definitely not that.

Something a little more kid-friendly. Trouble all he grew in in juteon. No, also not that. Oh, right, because that's New York City, right? Passion of the Christ. Um, isn't that the name of the plays medieval Christians would put on to incite pogroms? Feel like you want me to say now. I do. I definitely do then the answer is now Well also Mel there are also a couple of issues we have with the film itself Such as such as well I'm not sure if this was the final edit of this, but there's a part in Act Two where your dad just drunkenly stumbles on a set and demands to see

the six and a half million bodies. Yeah, at first we thought that was clearly a mistake, but we actually double checked, and that's in the script. You're aware of that being in the script? Yeah, yeah, yeah, cool. Oh, issues, nepotism. I get it because I can get I'm what do in a Janet, Chad to do it. If you prefer him, that's that's not really it's not enough to them. That's not

the problem. Oh, then I'm not sure what your issue is. I know I'm getting that you don't understand and that's really terrifying actually. Also, why do you smell like poo? That's great question. Look, why do you smell like poo? That's great question. Look, look, look guys, guys. Once again, again, please don't lick that. Sorry, on me, on me, you tell me once,

shame's on me, tell me twice, stay put my tongue to the roof of my mouth. Look, look, look, look, I'd love to stay in shit, but if I sit still too long, the man to call, we'll find my magic bag So if there's nothing else, um, well, there's actually a lot of else and also what you're doing now It's way worse than licking it. I kind of like it. Hi. Hi Fun trivia. Do you guys know who started all the wars?

Guys, I just realized I have no idea what the macarena is. Is it a black thing? It's fine there's none of them here. Yes! If I don't look at him, he can't see me. I'm just gonna take these batteries back out and let you vamp for an hour and hour. That's awesome. Everyone will hate it, but they'll be like, how was the live show? I don't know, they introduced the movie, and then he like, I apologize to a black guy for an hour Hey, you have an hour's worth of shit to apologize for honestly, bro. I do it's true

You get to see Eli in his underwear, so let's let's face it That's I should more of them make up for it You got for it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You give them what they want. You give them what they want.

That's, or they'll crucify you, yeah. Yeah. If we learn to any, Yeah. Yeah. I will 100% do this show, Nick. Do not tempt me. Yeah.

Yeah. This, this is how I ended up fucking a guy for a first time, okay? Yeah. Yeah. It was me. I was, it's true. This is how I ended up fucking a guy for a first time, okay? Ha ha ha. It was me, I was. It's true. You think I won't be, you won't it into sucking dicks

for an hour and 40 minutes? You don't know me. Ha ha ha. You don't know me. I will work my way through the male and female audience members. I will be the richer carrier of God awful movies. Ha ha ha ha. Allegedly, allegedly. I will be the Richard Carrier of God-Off Illumines

Allegedly, allegedly All I'm saying is that now all the shit I have in my nose is gonna be so disappointing and you're like fuck Listen to these jujokes instead of getting blown right fuck you guys You guys. You like candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy,

candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy candy, candy, candy, candy and we're back for the breakdown here and we're going to start this movie off on one of those balls on dead ass accurate

prophecies from the Old Testament that was definitely talking about Jesus it was Isaiah 53.5 some do's gonna get the fuck beat out of them eventually this is something like that who literally they were talking about Jesus and ultimately I have to point this out this movie begins with a man babbling incomprehensibly in the woods, if you've been listening to the show, you know, this is the same opening as Vultures of Horror II. Yeah. Yeah. There it is.

Essential. All the same universe. And again, this is, this is how they present their Messiah. He looks like he has a bad flu. Yeah. Where you like throw up and shut yourself and then shut yourself until you throw up. Yeah. That's that like, hey, meet Jesus then shate yourself until you throw up. Yeah.

That's that like, hey, meet Jesus. He's the one shaking in the corner for no reason. Yeah. He's having trouble. He looks like a Jedi guitar player having cocaine with troll or something like that. Yeah. It's not looking good.

I had that he was the weirdest fucking casting. Of course, so much has been said about how white there Jesus was. But the casting and this guy, if you haven't seen the movie, basically you look at him and you think, that guy's not gonna sell me the bag of weed until I hear the fucking story of his band opening for Skid Row. He, with a California accent the whole time,

is ridiculous. I'm just glad no one told Jesus a joke, otherwise he would have been like, Roar! I expected him to surf during the walking on water, singing, just takes off his poopa beads. To get whipped. And speaking of the casting, I was very, very disappointed.

I turned this movie on. I'm ready to watch Mel Gibson get tortured today. Yeah, which sounds fantastic. It's Jim Kovizel. It's not at all. He doesn't have a racist rant on YouTube. This was not highly disappointing to me. Yet, give him a second.

You think by the end of this show, he might have some evil shit to say about you. Ladies and gentlemen, Jim Kavizel. No. No. I reached out. Their lawyers wrote me back. I cannot get within 500 feet of Jim Kavizzo

or Kelly Culver. And very soon the guy who wrote the war room adaptation to yeah, that's a call back to the VIP get together. Sorry about that So also now so we go from the from the woods where Jesus is clearly took too much and now we're going to meet the Jews. In this. I get it. Oh, you are so ready for this movie. Because the first fucking thing we see the Jews do in this movie is throw a bag of money at Judas to betray Jesus. And it's just, it's downhill from there. Yeah. To be fair, they're like, for Jews spilled money is a huge deal. Like, this is for the Jews watching this movie,

that's the most emotional scene. Because you don't know if he's going to get all of it. That was really hard for me to watch. I've seen a guy torture to death. I have videos of a guy being tortured to death on my phone that I will sh shoot after the show for a nickel. But dropping money is real for us. Yeah.

And the throwing catch was phenomenal. It did, it did, it did, it did, it did, it did. It's a crucial thing. Based on every movie we've done so far, yeah, it had a little bit of that, a little bit of that like push cat. They shot put it at Judas. It, it doesn't work out.

So, and this is a movie about the crucifixion they managed to fuck up sports in a crucifixion brutal I mean you're that far away just hand it to him like ask any see-hawk March on how hard is that just bad idea never gonna let the fan that down so meanwhile back to Jesus coming down off of POD and the woods or whatever. And he said, he's clearly at that, I want a puke, but I don't remember how a moment. And this is where we meet Jesus or Satan rather. We've already talked about Satan. He looks like, Legolas trying to fuck a goth chick or whatever.

Right. Yeah. Marilyn Manson lost a few hor cruxes. Not good. Jewish Voldemort bigger knows. I didn't even know it was Satan at first. I was confused because he looks like Anne Haysch coming from a smiegal audition that she didn't get. He looks like seal out of blackface. Oh!

Not a lot of people know that, but seal is always in blackface. That's a white guy. Not a lot of people know that, but seals are always in blackface. That's a white guy. Purgle it. It's not true. Google never lies. So Satan is having this conversation with Jesus. Basically, he sounds like Eli trying to pick up a homeless guy.

He's like, who is your father? And Jesus is like, I won't tell you. And he's like, oh yeah, what if I shit out a snake out of my dick? Were they going for snake dick? They were definitely going for snake. Here's the thing, if Satan is standing there and it comes out from the dick area, he either shot a snake or a snake came out of his dick.

There's only two options. Yeah. That's entirely possible. Do you think the snake that crawls out his dick. There's only two options. You think this makes it a cross out of his dick? He can like send the dick out to do stuff. You just blew my fucking mind. That's an interesting, oh, I wish I could send my dick out. I want to send my dick out to do stuff now, like make copies. Oh, then let me go back to a fucking whiteboard. No.

I didn't say it was gun. I said I want, you can't write down my dreams. Sorry, I just can't write with a back end of a microphone either. So, uh, the whiteboard is just my vision board. It's my wedding registry. So, it's the Elybastic story on a weight board. Yeah, it is. So the snake tries to build Cosby Jesus, but then the music kicks in,

and there's this clear like, and then Jesus remembered his pung-food training thing that goes on. Seriously, it's like, bam, bam, bam. But instead of doing anything cool, Jesus does what he, his one magic trick, he just yells at a thing until his dad kills it. Right? Woo! Woo! And the snake's like, ugh!

Oh! Ugh! All right. Satan said, fun trip. Yeah. So then we have to, now we're gonna get to the actual like where they catch Jesus. And I want to say like if I'm sending guys out to go find Jesus in the woods, I'm thinking maybe don't go with clanky outfits.

Everyone is dressed in cowbells. And tired. There's a middle school that has no percussion section because of what they do. Use soldier. Would you like batteries too? Oh, are my batteries right now? I think you're good. You're good.

All right, just just make it. They look like the slightly gay or night's who say knee. They totally do. They look like samurai nesting dolls. With like a bedazzler, they own somehow. But they're like Russian, they're not even Chinese made ones. They're like Russian made ones, all the way down. And I wish I was kidding about this, but Eli literally spent hours and hours of his life

trying to find those outfits for us. I wanted to come out dressed like the Jews in this movie. And every time I googled it, the Googler was just like, do you mean KKK membership rally? It was just, would not let me dress up like the Jews in this movie. They all look like people who went insane at Hogwarts and just hide in the walls. So just for the record, naked was the second choice for not being like, that was Jewel. Naked was the second choice for Maddie Lime. That was Julenby. Naked, yeah. So many things.

She didn't work it with those two questions. And socks. Alina. So then Jesus, so they're like, which one of you is Jesus? He's like, yeah, that would be me. And your figure is just gonna get caught there until you realize that Peter is fucking Batman. Peter does rock.

Kick some ass. Peter is it man for, and I did not remit, because that's not in the Bible. No, no. So the Peter's just like, woohoo! And just like, woohoo!

No, no! He lies doing more karate. Yeah, it's a whist. And he doesn't, he kicks the ass of like 84 guys before Jesus is like, Peter, no. Who makes no sense?

Like, if your character is stopping someone from fighting, Peter goes to fight and he's like, no, Peter. People who live by the sword, I'm sorry, don't do that. Instead, he's just like, whoa, come on, tree pap, yeah, peter, no. Yeah. It's over. So who would have been fine if he let Peter finish?

Yeah, right. It was going to be like the dojo scene with a bag of rice from it, man, which is the bloody rice he walks back to Jesus. He's like, I would have been fine if you let my Peter finish. They, you like, I'm sorry. Yeah, you get it. There it is. So so Peter ninja apostles will for a little while. And then they also, I want to point this out because this is one of those things where like, he was right and run down two thousand years ago. They weren't thinking So Peter Ninja P So Peter Ninja P So Peter Ninja P So Peter Ninja P So Peter Ninja P So Peter Ninja P So Peter Ninja P So Peter Ninja P So Peter Ninja P So Peter Ninja P So Peter Ninja P So Peter Ninja P So Peter Ninja P So Peter Ninja P So Peter Ninja P So Peter Ninja P So Peter Ninja P So Peter Ninja P So Peter Ninja P doesn't hit the shoulder. Good luck with that. If you can, you're doing better than the filmmakers, because it looks fucking ridiculous. It ends up looking like a badly choreographed scene

from a tweenie Todd at a high school. What? It's like, eh. It's like my one-handed mockarena gun wrong. Yeah, all right. Oh, that was right. That was going right there.

Oh, okay. It's all right. She regrets it now. She knew it. She learned a valuable lesson today. And isn't that why we really came here? So now we're going to meet Mary. And if you're wondering which Mary, go ahead and keep fucking wondering because for some reason they cast two women that look virtually identical

and are virtually the same age to play Mary Magdalena to play mother Mary. So you don't know who the fuck it is. She wakes up because she's felt the disturbance in the force or whatever. And the casting call for both the Mary's was just Jewish. Oh, clearly, clearly. The character description here is obviously just like mother of the Bar mitzvah boy. Every Bar mitzvah, I've've ever been at is just a Jewish woman. I think honestly I have a little theory for you. When Gibson was swearing at the cop, I think he was just trying to cast the movie.

He was like, are you Jewish? I got a movie, I'm looking for it. He wasn't being anti-Semitic, he was just like, I want you to be in the film. Are you Jewish? How about you? You? How many wars have you started? How many? Yeah. And just real good.

I wanted to go back. It was one of my favorite moments in that scene when they find Jesus in the woods there. He kisses Judas goes up to the back. Oh, yes. He kisses Jesus on the face to show the Roman guards, which one is Jesus. I just wanted to see the meeting they had before that happened to him with me. All right, so I'm Judas. You're the Roman guards, which one is Jesus. I just wanted to see the meeting they had

before that happened to him with me. All right, so I'm Judas, you're the Roman guards. So when we get there, the way you know, which one's Jesus, I'm gonna blow him. What if I blow him? Can I? No, you don't need to do that. You can just point at him with your finger.

Like I'm point with my dick, you mean, no. Can I, no, just your finger. Just your, just your towards him. I feel like that's gonna be boring. I feel like that's gonna be boring. What if I do like a tender kiss on a cheek? Would that, can we just, if I say you can kiss the guy you're supposed to point to, will this mean to go?

We call the meaning. Okay, all right. Deal. Yeah. That's how it happened. Yeah, that's how it happened. That's how they made that decision. And again, you have to know,

Jesus has already identified himself at this point. He's already said, I'm Jesus. So he's just like, I'm not kissing you though. I'm looking for a way against this unbucked thing. I'm taking my moment. And also, okay, so I had to write this down in my notes. We are 16 minutes into this movie. We have already seen Jesus get punched, betrayed, hung, whipped, choked, kicked, and nearly

snakefucked. And we are just getting started. Because this is the part where we get to the bridge and they throw them over the bridge, but he's got the chains and they drag him back on. This is the one. Yeah. And again, they must have had a meeting about this. They must have been like, all right, so did you check

the height of the bridge? Not in Cubans. The length of the chain. No. Did you say he would make Cubans in the chain is definitely going to be less than Brian measured it. Brian, you've got everything up, man. For a car.

Fuck. But it's the Aramaic version. Mom. Mom. It actually says, fuck you, Brian, in the subtitles right there. That's Aramaic for fuck you. You don't know. It's not a real language. Brian, in the subtitles right there. That's aromatic for fuck you. You don't know.

It's not a real language. It's made up. Also, like French. There were several, okay, so the setup of this whole movie is that this is the last 12 hours of Jesus' life. Not much happens here, so they have to keep doing weird shit that isn't in the Bible just to make it seem cinematic. So when they throw Jesus off the bridge, all of a sudden

fucking Ted Cruz's wife just runs by. Well this is the crazy, so they made this movie, it's like half-snuff film, half-like horror movie. Yeah. Because they filled it with pop scares for no reason. They make no sense. It's just like him being like, oh, they punched me again. And then all of a sudden someone's like,

BAH! He don't do this. What? All right. Why? Why? Throughout this movie, there are a series of moments where the movie's like, boo, and you're like, why? But that was the one.

Nothing about, also, we should point out before we get into it. None of this is in the Bible. This is all based on a schizophrenic nuns hallucinations. Yes. So there was a nun who had schizophrenic nuns hallucinations. Yes. You know this? So there was a nun who had schizophrenic fits, and one time she woke up from her seizure,

and was like, guys, I just saw the crucifixion, and everyone was like, tell me. All of that shit. We don't have antibiotics yet. Right, that shit down. So all of them, how many times he got punched? Yeah, and where they poked him in the dick, although there's very little of doing stuff to Jesus' dick in this movie.

Not enough, not enough, not nearly enough. Very disappointing. All of that is based on just a crazy late, like, we could go, we're in New York, we could go find a homeless person right now who could dictate what we see in this movie because he's just like, and then the Italian guys whose teeth keep changing came up and they were just like, PAAA! He uppercuts him like a Rai-U! What's that? It's a video game in a couple thousand years, it's just,

PAAA! Dragon Punch. Yeah, that would be nice. Well, if he had like a lion dick detachable that could fight the snake, that would've been... Yeah. I was just going to enjoy that. Yeah, that would be nice. Or if you had like a lion dick detachable that could fight the snake that would have been Yeah, yeah, yeah A lot of things I'd enjoyed more than this fucking movie So and also again just to kind of like move this movie around a little bit We get these little flashbacklets and I say flashbacklets because they're all like 18 seconds long And it's like all right now back to more torture in Jesus

But we get our first one here, which is where Jesus is making the table. So this movie, again, not in the Bible. This movie proposes that Jesus invented tables. It does. It does. Because Mary comes up to it and she's like, what is this weird contraption? She's like, you sit near it. Look, and he does this, right? But he doesn't have a chair. He just like does like this. And she is, but she's like, oh, are you just gonna fucking magic trick? Oh, you just see blood and shit come pouring out from under her robe. Cause of this.

Yeah. Yeah, this movie proposes that Jesus invented tables. Well, just a high top table. The high top table. Yeah, one settle for it. One settle for it. There's no GIF, yeah. The worst. Okay, guys, one you settle for, because there's no BIF. The best.

Yeah. The worst. OK, guys, never park your floor if you want to can put you over in Stephanie's section. Stephanie's the worst. She's Brian of this restaurant. You know it. Fuck you.

So what we're supposed to learn from this one, of course, is that Jesus sure did love his mom. They have a little splash fight and everything. And now it's, oh no, we don't get to torture Jesus yet. First we gotta meet Pontius Pilate, who looks like Bob a Brinkman got smacked with a pan. Yeah. I honestly, he looks like Bob a Brinkman got cast

as Pontius Pilate, it's pretty creepy. And then we get back to more torture porn. We whip Jesus state. So here's the thing about Pontius Pilate. We meet Pontius Pilate, but he's by far the best actor in the movie. Oh, yeah, yeah. He does the best job.

But Pontius is entirely ruined by the fact that his wife's name in this biblical movie is fucking Claudia. Claudia. Claudia? I want to speak to a manager, Claudia. LAUGHTER There were people walking around the biblical times, just like,

oh, what's your name, Josephine? And what's this person's name? Piazzra, what's your name? Claudia, she just walks in with a gift bag from TJ Maxx. She's like, I was shopping. All right, well, you know what else she does? Is she wakes up straight up with the fuck off? She does, she wakes up straight up with the fuck off. She does wake up straight up.

Obviously. Pisses me off. Check it off your big go card. Yes, do me. Yeah, right, right, exactly. So now we're getting to the part where the Jews are actually going to condemn Jesus. And this is the first time that we really meet these Jews. Now, one of the guys, the guy who stands to the right of of the main Jew. I wish we had to say that so long.

That's what it says in the credits. It does. It does. It's the main Jew. Guy to the right of the Jew. And let me just say, the actors who played the Jews in this movie, they added to the antics. They made choices that added to the antics. Oh, yes.

No directors, no, it was like, hey, get back. It's not the, there's three guys at the front who are just, they have the prosthetic and they look like the vultures from the Disney cartoons. But the guys behind him who like wanted to turn it into an under five that like, like a little bag of gold, which is like, hey. Well, I'm cutting this.

Who are you? Julie, one more time, a little Julia. Hey, hey, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha did they plan this? It's like, guys, we're gonna look, just go stupid if we all come from the same fucking side. Right. You come in and I'm gonna say he eat it, he created demons and you say that he thought he was the Messiah, you say he fucked dudes, it'll be a thing. It looks like a lyrical dance.

Yeah. And the thing about the scene, I couldn't put my finger on it at first, it was kind of familiar. You got this overweight man and he's saying stuff that I don't understand to a chained up prisoner and I realized it golden bikini is the only thing missing that it's it's this Jewish guy is Abba the Hut. Kipus is Abba the Hut and that's what's happening. It was exactly like I was convinced you were talking about a home video of Eli's he'll show

that one to you on the phone too for five seconds But the but the main Jew guy is not quite buying all of the accusations and everything so he goes to Jesus directly He says hey, man, are you saying you're the Messiah and Jesus like I? Actually have that clip oh doing we go we play the clip It starts with the guy's face. It starts with Jesus' face. Look at this. Yeah. Here he is. Echewyana.

Takshom bar nas ke feu bhai min kheil. Te pa anane shi. That's the main Jew. Yeah, that's it. She got it. She got it. She got it. She got it. She got it.

She got it. She got it. She got it. She got it. She got it. She got it. He got it. He got it.

He got it. He got it. He got it. He got it. He got it. He got it. He got it. He got it. He got? I feel like, no I got it. You saw, you saw what he's trying to do though. You see the, it's just, and his neck hole just ends up stretched out.

So he just came home that night and his wife Esther was just like, what happened to your shirt? Did someone say they were the Messiah again? Yep. We talked about this. Dr. Birambam gave you that little stress ball. You're supposed to squeeze if people call themselves the Messiah. Yeah, it clearly wasn't taking it. So after this scene that you just see, this is where they all just line up to start punching Jesus. If you remember the end of death proof when they're around in a circle with or like a russle, basically think of Jesus as a weable, and you'll basically have the whole visual here.

Except that they're trying, they want us to take this shit seriously. Yeah, and so we actually made a little compilation of all the times Jesus gets hit. Do we have a very, is it just the whole movie is that? Yeah, do we have a, do we have a, do we have a, do we have a, do you guys want to watch the whole movie right now?

Yeah. Yeah. We have a do you guys want to watch the whole movie right now? We have a very tasteful clip of a little compilation of all the times that Jesus gets hit in this movie. It's very tasteful You remember at the live show when we played that music that was legal to play perfectly operapos Situation and it was it was legal to play because the as-vab compliance of the people's Propheater but wouldn't be legal to Transmit on a podcast and that was awesome That clip that's the movie That's all thing that's possible Thank you to Alex for making that but second of all that is for and a half minutes long

but second of all, that is four and a half minutes long. Yes, yes. The biggest fight we've had on our show is whether or not I just made you watch all four and a half minutes of that clip. I lost that conversation, but I would have just sat here in Echoey Silence while you listened to All Star and watched them really beat up Jim Cavizel. Yeah, well, and that's the thing.

I don't know if you guys know this, but Jim Kovizal actually got the fuck beat out of him when they were doing that. Like two of those scenes that you saw were them actually whipping the dude. So like eventually, he dislocated his shoulder when they dropped the cross on him. He got hit by lightning. He got struck by lightning. Yeah, I mean, that day he had to have heart surgery after the whole thing was over. Like that dude really did get the fuck beat out of him.

I don't think he suffered like we suffered, but he suffered. But like here's the thing, who in what situation do you get actually whipped during a scene and the movie doesn't stop? He writes. Like he got actually hit and he didn't go like, guys, fuck you! What the hell was that, Alan? And the guy's just holding the weapon. He's like, Mel just said to do it.

And it's like, well, don't listen to Mel. Mel tore off one of his nipples because craft services didn't have tacos. They have their own whiteboard that just says, don't listen to mail. So, and of course before we can go any further with the Jesus Torager porn, we have to wrap up the Judas storyline here. So first of course Judas goes back to the Jews, tries to give them the money back, but

is warrant he's void and he's sad on it or so whatever they always getcha. The le- the- the realistic thing about this movie is that the Jews didn't take the money back. Yes? I was gonna say the least anti-Semitic thing about this movie but yeah. Crawl out of his nose and he like later carries the anti-Christ in a little papus but the least realistic thing is Jews being like we don't need ha ha. If one of you isn't enjoying the show and wanted to hand me money right now, I will accept it.

Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. They take away my tattoo if I don't. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha. A lot of people didn't get that was a Holocaust joke. Yeah, that was all I thought. Thank you for this stupid shit. I thought I sweep up the audience. It's starting here because they're closer to the sound and then I watched all of you realize all the way up to the back. This is just oh, I didn't get it.

Oh no, it's a Holocaust joke. Somebody's doing the wave for the Holocaust joke. I saw that was wonderful. I was, our show has become more anti-Semitic than the movie we're reviewing. That's awesome. Also, this is where we're introduced to the demon children. Like, the couple of kids come up to help Judas,

and he's like, no, I don't need help. And then they're all like, right. Well, Judas basically lives my second grade experience here. It's just getting changed. Get it! This was not holding dodge balls. Do you have a lot of herpes in second grade? Yes.

But like by the minute growing her, I had a very aggressive gym teacher. I don't even, I shouldn't even ask. I don't know why I asked these questions. This was before the full Nelson was outlawed in wrestling. So, it was Dennis Haster, right? Yeah, that was weird. You got a picture.

He's the rapist wrestling teacher. Yeah, he's that. It's fine. He's the rapist wrestling teacher. Yeah, he's fine. And also of course, now as I'm sure most of you are aware, Mel is a Catholic, so we have to spend an awful lot of time on Mary's superpowers in this movie. Jesus never has any kind of superpowers, but Mary has, because the first, in this next scene, this is where we have to be

vey-vey quiet, because Mary's hunting, saviors or whatever. So she walks into this room, and she's like, she's running somewhere. She's like Nicholas Cage from the Wind Talkers. Yes, yeah. She literally stops and puts her ear to the ground and then the camera pans down, and Jesus is like directly below her. I expected him to like reach up and like shave and a haircut. And then he's like two bits. What have been so much better? He's just dousing for Jesus.

Yeah, right. He's just dousing for Jesus. Yeah, right. Capping for Jesus. So, cupping for Jesus is the name of my band. Yeah. Yeah, there you go. So now we got to cut back to Judas being chased around through the desert the next day

by all these little demon children and of course Satan's with them or whatever. Yeah. And then he sits down and like all the children disappear and he looks around and apparently right behind him is the camel where Luke Skywalker spent the last night or whatever. And he just has this look on his face. He's like, holy shit, I'm sitting right next to a dead camel, ain't I? I want you not notice. I mean, here's the thing.

I have a fan theory here. Again, all movies, same universe. I think that dead camel is the camel that left during Book of Mormon. That's camel. That's, yeah, I know. Now I know how the helmet fell. I'm like,! That's Camel! That's Camel. Yeah, I know. Now I know how the helmet fell. How the helmet fell?

Yeah. I'm upset by that. Yeah. The camel that died in the different movie is the most likable character in this movie. So now we get them dragged in Jesus back into like a peels quarter, whatever. And based on the door in the music

I believe that takes place in Jurassic Park They get so close to the music. It's like Someone very clearly wore all those notes and they were like dude you're gonna get a suit and he was like they were like, dude, you're gonna get a suit and he was like, there. It's not Jurassic Park. So now, of course, this is where they're dragging Jesus up in front of Pontius. Now, like, so this is one of the situations where like the Jews

want him dead, they want him condemned, but they can't condemn him to die, but they can apparently ask someone else to do it. It's like the elevator where all the buttons are already pushed or whatever. It's like an air make version of Twitter. Yeah. That's a social media site where you're Elevator where all the buttons are already pushed or whatever it's like an aromake version of Twitter. Yeah That's a it's a social media site where you're It's not

You know how sometimes I'm on my phone and I'm sad because people are saying mean things to me. Yeah Yeah, they send them in from home from Twitter, okay over it after this lesson learned so from Twitter. Okay, over it after this. Lesson learned. So, and I have to say one of those things. I just use it for porn, D. Get in there. I don't know. Yeah, no, no, if you know the right people, you can use Twitter for porn.

So, yeah, right. This is Jamie. This is Jamie who provides all of our hypocritical boobs. Yes. And about this. Yes. So, and I want to say like one of the anti-Semitic kind of turns in this movie is how much effort they go to to not demonize Pontius Violet? Yeah.

Because every time we see Pontius, he's like, man, I really don't want to kill this Jew, but then all those others using it, if I can get me fired or whatever. Like over and over again, he's trying to find a way out of it right and that's this is the first time you know They're all like telling them what he did and they're like building it up slowly because they're like well What did he do we punch like what do you do what do you want me to kill him for they're like he violated the Sabbath and punches like I'm doing right now while he was fucking dudes Punches still I'm doing that right now So finally they land on he says he's the king of Rome,

and he's like, okay, well, no. I guess I can kill him for that. I can kill him for that. He's also creating a tax evasion cult. Yeah, that's right. And he's like, oh, you mean just like you guys? No, no, no, no, no, like a different tax evasion cult. Tingle keys.

They didn't have keys. They didn't have locks or keys yet, so they were just jingling like the thords you kept by the door. Or maybe that, the armor, exactly. They're cowbell armor. Right. So, so, Pontius takes Jesus into Thomas Jefferson's house for a quick chat

or whatever. And I gotta say, Jesus is such a dick in this scene. Because first of all, he comes in and he's just dripping blood every fucking where, doesn't wipe his sandals on anything nothing. And Bont says it's like, hey man, have some wine. And Jesus is like, you know Jesus is thirsty. And he's like, no, I don't know what's fucking wine.

Jesus is basically like, he's talking to his stepdad who's trying to bond. Yeah, yeah. Just take, just take Jesus for a ride and see if maybe he'll repent. Just take him out. So I hear you're into PlayStation. What kind of PlayStation you got there, champ? Whatever. You know my real time, my real dad's the son of God.

I know, but I'm just sick. How would you feel about me being the king of Rome, Very much. How would you feel about me being the king of Rome, rendering unto me what? So Pontius is still unconvinced despite Jesus' douche baggery. So he brings Jesus back out. Oh, that's awesome. Thank you. Nice carry. Somebody's carrying like 19 beers into the audience right now.

It's excellent. Very well done, very well done. And what I love most about it is that he avoided eye contact with us. Yes. Because our eyes are based on movement, so he was just like... I bet if we had hit him with like a lamp he would have frozen Like metal gear style style. Yes, like get under a cardboard box This is great radio bro

Fuck it. There are people in New Jersey were like can't make it fuck those people A guy came from Puerto Rico. We got London. We got Puerto Rico Jersey can't make it, fuck those people. Oh, God, I came from Puerto Rico. We got London, we got Puerto Rico. Jersey couldn't make it. They'll never see that. Look, I'm gonna do a back flip. Oh! And now I shall never

Himatize the audience they'll say I never did one and sleep wake up good James Ranting No, I didn't do a fucking kids thing. I was just that was a managing he does me I mean he did both but don't don't go to it. It's just a joke. He didn't, what? He don't do it. Don't go to it. What Eli meant to say was then we go to Herod. Speaking of K-Dudes with K-E-R.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah, we got Eric Cartman and Mascara. Yes. There he is. King Herod. He's, he will never know either. That's the wonderful thing about it. Even the people in the live show. So yeah, so pop doesn't want to condemn Jesus. So he sends them to Herod and I don't know where the fuck they found this guy.

He was amazing. It's like they cast Josh Gaden as fucking movie. Yeah. Herod looks like Don King upside down covered in eye makeup. Nailed it. Got a little Ben Franklin at a drag show going on. Yeah, like like like Rostafarian Williamsburg bartender. Yeah, exactly. Relief pitcher at the same time. He's like Williamsburg bartender who moves to the village.

Like, he kept the beard but added the eyeliner. Yeah, and he has like a cat sigh. And speaking of cat sigh, he also. He make up nerds loved that joke. None of you bitches, but one girl at home right now is like, cat sigh! That's for her. Trying to get jokes to you guys one at a time. Don't you turn police my nails.

I can see everything. Special features. What EWI meant to say is, then we cut to Pontius and Claudius. Having a philosophical moment they are talking about the nature of truth. Right, so this is where we learn that Pontius is basically all the students at Harvard before Kelly Colbert got there. Yeah! Fucking, he pulls down Nietzsche from the shelf on a scroll and he's like,

well, I'm a nihilist and I don't believe in hard determinism. I really disagree with Sam Harris. And she's like, who are those people and doesnilist and I don't believe in hard determinism. I really disagree with Sam Harris. And she's like, who are those people? And it doesn't matter. We need to excuse this Jesus guy. Right. So yeah, so once again, nobody will condemn Jesus. At this point in the movie, I'm like,

I'll condemn the blood as I'm my fucking ass. Just get this thing over with. But there's, it isn't where, like, he let the guard comes in and tells them, hey, man, now, sorry, Harris, not gonna do your dirty work. He's like, damn, I have to figure out what to do before there's an uprising. And the guard says there is already an uprising.

Now, as a filmmaker, you would think that we've then would cut to the fucking uprising. We've just been promised a war, but instead it's back to more litigation with Jesus. This is where we get the, the barobics. Just answer it, Torrey. Like ancestors sitting there The one Jewish family member all the way back in Andrew Tories

That's a cross podcast joke. You don't have to get it It's all one universe All the podcasts come from the same universe correct. So this is where we meet barabas So yes, we haven't really gotten into the Haiti Jewie thing yet. I love Barabbas. Oh, he was amazing. This is all Barabbas' performances. All Barabbas does the int- because they couldn't make him just like, because he's a revolution, he's a condemn murderer and in history, he was just like a revolutionary who they decided to spare. But they were like, no, no, no. We wanna make Jesus look good.

So, Barabbas is just like, do fucking it. Who do you want to free? And Bravis is just like, though for me, America. Elias now mimeing getting blown by a baby. You just have to imagine that. That was fun. When you're getting blown by a baby is like this. That's what my baby is.

25 fucking dollars for. When you're fucking a baby, you gotta get like a table. No, no, no. You don't get to laugh at the Holocaust jokes and then judge the mimeing of fucking a baby. You don't get to draw your line here right before I fuck the baby. Oh God. Perfect type.

My life boy is coming out. Okay, that's a good one. I support this one. Perfect type. My life boy is coming out. Okay, that's a good one. I support this one. I can't believe I didn't think of that before, holy shit. So yeah, so the Jews, of course, they have to, they decide to let Barabas go. And Jesus doesn't look mad, just disappointed.

And then he turns to the crowd and he's like, okay, what do you want me to do with this guy? And everybody just starts chanting. Crucified, crucified, we don't give a fuck of this pogroms of shit later. We should just get dead. It's like a slightly less racist Trump rally. Oh Lock him up That's all you don't

So just an ancient Dave Rubin Interviewing Barabbas. I can't. You make some good points. I look like everyone's divorced dad. Go ahead. So now we're going to get to what I believe is the most infamous scene of this entire movie. This is the one where they tie Jesus to the whipping post in Scorrigium or whatever. And this is where, now, this is something that we don't talk about enough.

This is a very strongly anti-Roman movie because the guys beating up Jesus, they look like the pizza pizza guy from Little Caesars with Down syndrome. Like, that's what they chose for those characters. They have different numbers of teeth in each scene, like one scene. He's got one tooth and then Jesus's blood splashes on him. So it's teeth are all back in his face again and then he locks them out in between the scenes. Yeah. And they're bright and they bark. They just basically bark the entire time that they're whipping him. Now, I got a point that's like, I've watched movies where the only point of the movie is

to make you go, you know, or whatever, like these horror movies where that's kind of the point. Even those movies would not spend this much fucking time whipping a guy to death. This is like, by the end of this, he looks like Mayor McChesis menstruating vagina. We, we, like, picture that. If you'd like to buy your Mayor McChesis, we have a clip of the, no, I'm kidding. If you'd like to buy your Mare McChese's

menstruating vagina t-shirts, they'll be outside. We have run. It took a very long time to make. We're supposed to leave the hurdles for McDonald's that took so long, yeah. But no, just to give you an idea. Okay, so they tie... You've seen scenes in movies where people get whipped before.

Basically, you look at their face and maybe you see there's a bloody crosshatch. Yeah. They they they they tie and you've seen scenes in movies where people get whipped before basically Maybe you see there's a bloody crosshatches. Yeah, but but in this movie we literally watch Jesus get whipped 32 Times I counted so the guy in Latin behind me But 32 fucking times and then we're not done This is where they go and then they get the cat cat and I tails and start whipping him with that. And we watch that and then they flip his ass over and start whipping him on the front. So did anyone else have this experience? I had a very meta moment when I was watching this where I was just like,

what do I do for a living? Because you're all, lots of you watch this movie to get ready for the show. And this is a long scene and you bust have had the moment I had where you were just like, I should fast forward. This is gross. This was quite fucking gross. Yeah, so, but eventually we're rescued from that scene so that we can watch the two marries be sad together. This is also when we learned Claudia apparently moon lights is the towel girl at public torturing. Yeah, she brings

She brings towels from like bedbath and beyond. Yeah, right. They're just could not they could have Yankees logos on them They could not be more out of place in this world and she hands them to Mary and Mary does the ultimate Jewish mother thing Jesus is like covered in blood. He's just covered in blood. He definitely needs a towel. And instead she cleans the floor. Yes.

She's like, oh, he made a mess. Listen, if you're going to kill my son, I just don't want anyone to say he made a mess while you did it. They're going to say my son had the cleanest crucifixion. That's what they all said. I just wanted to go up to Jesus like liquor finger. I mean, like you got a little schmutz. You got a little, you got a little, you got a little, right?

I'm dying for your sin. I'm dying for your sin. You're gonna look like an idiot. I think, whoah! Crucify him. My girlfriend's here. Just clean yourself off of her. Ah! It yourself off. Oh

It's important I'm the light in the way Guys I will create a patreon go for me to read the entire Bible in that volition straight read So I'm adjusting our new patreon page. I guess that's as good a place to take a break as any But before we do let me give act 3 this of the hard sell here Will Jesus get whips a more? Will Jesus watch some more? Will Jesus get kicked some more?

Find out the answers to these questions and absolutely nothing else when we return for the barbaric conclusion of the passions of the Christ Raphael Uriel wanted to run something by you sure boss. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, whatever you need God All right, you know I'm all the time tormenting humans on Earth and then burning them for eternity. Mm-hmm, sure do. Well, I finally thought of a way I could forgive myself for making them wrong in the first place and stop doing that. Oh, wow boss, that's great! Yeah, yeah, was the solution to just stop doing it? Because you are omnipotent, you can just not do better.

I'm thinking that I could take human form, subject myself to ultimate suffering, and then sacrifice myself to myself. Yeah, that seems just overcomplicated. Yeah, that's great, boss. Anything that makes you stop torturing everybody, right? What a great idea. All right, so first things first, what is the very worst thing somebody could possibly suffer through?

We need ultimate suffering here. Being born in a basement to a kidnapping victim and knowing nothing of the world but rape and cruelty. Hmm, that's very old. Or what about being horribly deformed in a pre-scientific culture and being rejected by those that should care for you only to slowly starve in abject misery? Being Steve Anderson's wife. Okay, or what about being one of those eyeball monsters that has to spend all day, every day, singing about how awesome you are, that...

Nope. That's... Good guesses, guys, but no. It's being beat up for a couple of days and then crucified. Um, are you sure? Because I feel like our stuff was way worse. Nope, nope, nope. It wasn't as beaten up and crucified, ultimate, suffering.

Um, I mean, I does take days to tie from, you're probably right, God, honestly, but yeah, days, are you sure about that? Oh, yeah, absolutely. Second surest of the people in the room. All right, okay, well, well, well, maybe a few hours of crucifixion, that's probably a ultimate enough when you guys think sure

God yeah yeah and then you'll put an end to human suffering right? No no no I'll just stop burning them in hell all of them oh no no only the ones that that love the human me but isn't that what you're already doing? Stop being such a downer you're already doing? Stop it. It's such a downer, you're real. Okay. First thing I need to do is impregnate a virgin. Either you guys seen my turkey baster. I want to say no real bad. Say no. And we're back from more of this shit and we didn't even get a three-day break like Jesus anyway. It has been seconds since we watched Jesus get tortured, so we're going to go back to more

of that, I guess. And in the middle of this torture, we're going to get the cast of first stone flashback. Now, I wanted to point this one out specifically because this is one of those, like, we already know you know this story moments where, like, if you didn't already know the story of the Mary Magdalene and everything, there's no fucking if I told you Jesus was drawing out the winning play for his fucking backyard football game, that would make more sense. I thought it was tic tac toe right and then I thought it was a cornhole tournament. No, because all you see is the Jews standing there and then Jesus draws

a line in the sand like a bad clinic, swed movie, and then the Jews just drop their rocks and go home. Right, but they got slightly higher tech, Rio Olympics. Just less, less Zika. Yes, yes. Bigger heads, bigger heads, bigger heads. Again, I fucked a baby, there was the hump. You know your line can't be Zika, okay?

Yes. Not even here yet. You all listen to loving the bad man and we're like, Tee-hee-hee. Ha-ha-ha-ha. They're gonna to tweet at me about this shit. Woo! That's a bad thing about that.

So, at Heathen, right. So now this film has another one of these phenomenal condemning Jesus scenes for us. And I feel like, okay, so like this is the fifth time or whatever that the crowd has gathered to watch Jesus get condemned. And you can't help but wonder do any of these people have a fucking job?

Does the whole city just shut down for six days for Jesus here? Unreal. This is pre-movie, so this was like all they had entertaining. Oh, I got you. They're gonna beat the crap out of a guy. You wanna go see that? Sure. Well, apparently that's still what we have for entertainer.

I'm gonna die in like 10 minutes anyways of the rickets, so let's do it. I'm gonna die in like 10 minutes anyways of the rickets. So let's do it a lot of the fuck. Yeah. I want somebody more miserable than me. But this is where they gather around and basically they show how beat up Jesus is and they're like, is this good enough guys? Is this all that you thought?

And Pontius is super upset because he was like, hey, go beat him up a little bit. And they bring him back and he's just like wet meat that like came out of the Taco Bell dumpster And he's like guys, I said a little bit and they're like This is weird comedy moment where they're like did I do that? And then he's like you want me to cruise it. He's dead. I think It's over, guys.

But it's not good enough. No. No. No, it clearly isn't. And Bontius is still looking for a way out of it. He's like, hey, is it OK if I cruise if I you, dude? And Jesus is basically like, yeah, I guess. Yeah, it's all good.

It's the Jews. They did this. It's not, it just looks at the camera, Winks, it's the Jews. They did this. There's also this weird moment where like, Jesus is a little punk drunk in this scene, so when he's like, do you mind getting crucified, he's sort of like, yeah sure man, whatever. I mean, I was like, you ever bring a friend who's black out drunk and you know he's black

out drunk, but he doesn't know and you don't want him to freak out and start fighting fire hydrants. So he's just sitting there at Denny's with a grand slam breakfast and his hand is under the toast and he's just like... And then also there's this weird bit where like Pontches is still trying to figure out what he's doing there and everything. I know that was a pretty good line, I know. So Pontches is trying to figure out what he's going to do

and everything. He's still trying to find a way out of it. And the Jews start fighting in the crowd. Like, either you crucify this guy or we're going to punch the fuck out of ourselves. What kind of bargaining chip is this? I wish we did that more often. Like in crowds, America's got talent. if the person didn't win that they want

And they just start beating out of the shit out of each other in the audience That would be great I was watching that show again. I watched it. Yeah, she was not even on anymore isn't that's how long it's been since I watched TV so So now we finally punches finally agrees to crucify him So we're gonna get to the part where Jesus drags the cross and gets whipped for the remainder of this God damn movie. Oh, yeah. And this procession looks like the Olympic torch going through

Rio, but like, but like slightly safer and less silent. Yeah, yeah. Jesus falls down less times than they did in Rio, trying to carry that like, they're only remaining fire that they had in that country. They all do pool together, look. Someone in this country still knows how to make fire, right guys?

But they literally, they do this so many, look, so we see Jesus fall on the cross. We see Jesus fall under the cross. We see Jesus fall downstairs. We actually have a really tasteful compilate. Do we have a really tasteful compilation? Oh, we do. Oh, we do.

Oh, we do. You remember that other time when we played that other song? We were just saving the song. Yeah, it was, and Jesus kept following it down. Yeah, so funny and appropriate and, yeah, yeah. Go to the live show. Is it about a... Oh, my God.

That last one gets an 8.5. That clip is like also three minutes long and we had to decide whether or not to just show you all the time. Yes, Jesus falls down. Yeah. And we decided against, ultimately, which is good, because it's like, I lost. Quarter after eight, that's it. You won on the underwear thing.

I feel like you should take that as a picture. You all won. So now, of course, again, because this is a Catholic movie, we have to follow Mary's adventure through all of this. So she's apparently rushing to Golgoth and to get good seats in a crucifixion. She wants to be first in line for the Q&A after her. Oh, my gosh.

I got to check. If I have a question for the Roman guy, the Jews did this, right? The Jews did this? Cool. Just make sure. So yeah, then she had this little moment where she's like, I don't know if I want to watch my son get cursed,

I don't want to watch this shit either lady, but if I'm going to do it, you're going to fucking do it. They even have this little bit, I get this didn't make it into the clip, but they have this little bit where she watches them fall down and then she thinks about him as a little baby falling down. Well, that was in there. Oh, well, that's okay. Baby Jesus, follow that. But this is the thing about this movie, to get a little serious, the only thing sad about this movie is that you shouldn't hit people.

Yes. Like, it doesn't. If this was just like Steve, the guy who stole too many cum quats or whatever the fuck fruit they had back then, it would also be a sad movie. Yeah. The crazy thing about this fucking movie is we're supposed to be like, no, no, no, it's extra sad

because if they had just done this to like that guy, we'd be like, man, but because they did it to Jesus, it's bad. Am I right? Come on. Yes, yes. And this was a genuinely touching moment. Like you see the kid fall down

in the moment between a mother and some, but like lots of people got crucified. Crucifixion was bad. The message of this movie should be, don't hit people. Not don't hit that guy right? Right. And they completely go against the message of this movie. And it's been a couple thousand years.

And today hitting people because that guy got hit. They were like, oh, that was awful. Fuck you, Ellen. We have learned nothing! Go Rangers! Go Rangers! This is so awkward when we were setting this up. Because at first when we started watching this movie, I was like, oh, I'm so glad we did this one for the live one, that we saved this for the live one.

And then for the last 40 minutes, it's just the shit you just saw of Jesus falling down and getting picked back up. Oh my no! That's it. From this point on, or just Jesus gets whipped, Jesus falls down, Jesus gets up, Jesus gets the crown of thorns. We're going to re-enact this movie after you give Heath enough drinks at the end of the night.

We're going to live the last. It's just, it's not going to end with Jesus fucking one of you, but other than that, it's going to be exactly the same. Clearly, you didn't watch the extended cut. So, we also, it's on the whiteboard. I put it on the whiteboard. Get two puppies. No, who up?

Now, we also have to mention, and is this from the crazy, non-lady's thing or was this in the Bible? The random guy that they pull out of the crowd to help carry the crowd? Sons of sireen, yeah. Oh, is that who that was? They pull out this guy and he's just like a random spectator, but he is, first of all, he's the only person who's remotely dark enough to be, like, in that time, a place in the entire movie.

So, for me, who was not aware of the history and the biblie bibleness of this, I was just like, oh, they just made the black guy help. They like walked over and they were like, dude, can you? You. And the rest of the movie, this poor black guy, is falling along being like, I just want to be clear, I am not a part of this. He's got to like, give Jesus a pep talk, he's like, come on man. This is already not a good world for me to be in, I need you to... How Jordan I'm like You'll Google that later in the

I'm like 90% sure that Gibson tried to get Danny Glover for this part I think Gibson thought he got Danny Glover Danny how you doing, Mike? It's great to have you on this. If a guy was just like, do you know you're kidding? What do you like to say? He's like, I'm not gonna tell him. I'm not gonna tell him.

Guy just goes home, keeps calling me Danny. Totally worth it. Grass Services is great. He's beating the shit out of Jim Caviehl, but he seems into it, so whatever. Ladies and gentlemen, Danny Glover. Ha ha ha ha. No, no.

He's dead, right? How sure are you that he's not dead? Not super sure, right? No one's getting the phone out and being like, I totally know. Is he, is he, if you prove Eli wrong on that one, he'll prove you right tomorrow. So, uh, I'll kill Danny Glover.

Hold on, let me put something on the fucking white board. I'll be back. All right, you're safe, Danny Glover. All right. So, yeah, Danny Glover. All right. So, yeah, they pull Sammy Davis Jr. out of the fucking crowd to help him out. The only black Jew I could think of, sorry, buddy. This is the buddy cops in the sequel. Oh!

How fun with that thing. Because he's got the hole in his hands and Sammy Davis Jr. I don't know, man. I don't know. I don't know. There's like four people who know Sammy Davis Jr. is. I nailed that impersonation. Yeah, so yeah.

You know who he is, he didn't, but if you don't, that was, yeah, that was spot on. I'm never gonna. So it also, help me out on this one too. I do this shit twice a week, guys. I try to get these guys from one end of the show to the other. It's amazing. This is why it takes him way,

and it's still four in the morning, because it's just me and Heath being like, shamanant now. I gotta be honest, I think I've been doing a mazy-gray impersonation, guys. I get knocked down. Just get knocked down. Just get out of the gas.

We gotta say that. Where's Macy Gray? She's like, no. If you're listening on the podcast, Macy Gray is coming out. Macy Gray is a huge fan. Yeah, oh yeah. So also, help me out on the chick, too, like, because there's this chick that we have not met yet in the movie who shows up to give Jesus a towel.

Oh, she's just a randomly upset woman that they decided to spend six-chibblu Gibson, I guess, in his trailer. And he was like, you're getting a whole section of the movie. Now, I can't give you any lines because I already wrote the script in my own blood and I'm all out of blood. And it's just, she's just like a lady who saw a bite get hit by a car. And her whole performance is just like, well, this is unpleasant. I wanted to follow her where she sits down. She's like, I have a worse day in her husband's like, yeah, what's wrong? She was like, oh, they were beating the crap out of this guy.

You didn't have any towels. Bloodied my fucking towel. But she seemed to really be into that towel. Because after he- You wipe his face with a towel, she kisses it. Well, right, I mean, if not, no, he's the savior. She's not a follower.

Right, right, exactly. Just towel, yeah! Yeah, I mean, if you're into that, that's fine, but warn me first, holy shit. My notes here were just, it's nice to know what my ancestors were there. Oh, how many here? Put her on ancient Jewish eBay, she was like, bloody towel, three cup of, well done, MVP. All right, we're inviting him on his guest next. So now they arrive at Golgotha, where they're finally going to crucify this son of a

bitch. And I wanted them to have the cross already set up just like to aggravate them, they're carrying the cross. Oh, you're awesome. And it was just like, oh, yeah, no, we already had it. I want back to Jerusalem? Well, it was already not fair to Jesus because Jesus had to carry the whole T. And the other two guys, did you notice he just got the word?

Just got the word. He carried the Lincoln law. And they got the... When guys just got like a fucking branch, he's just got a stick. No one's hitting him and then Jesus is all bloodied up with the whole capital T doing crossfit Wonder if we're gonna get to that crossfit Alright next kick start to go crossfit training with Eli I will probably get you hurt less than actual cross

And you won't have Lyme disease. So also was this like, because I don't mean to be like, oh, you have some Jewish family so you know this shit. But was it tradition that during the crucifixions they would bring out like a kazoo chorus? Yeah, I think that's, I think that's okay. Alright, whatever the juice go after each after someone at the big meeting we have we all like I do only instrument juice can play except for that like fiddler on the roof kind of fiddle

And that gets boring real quick But pursue on the other hand never never But, who's who on the other hand? Never, never. And also, yeah, let's talk about these other two themes for a little bit, because they had such a shitty attitude about this. As I feel like if I was one of these thieves, I'd be like, you know, like kind of like sneaking in the back going, yeah, no, he's the real son of a bitch over there. But they have this whole like, who the fuck's supposed to be whipping me, guys?

Kind of an attitude like they're pissed off at Jesus for taking all the whipping. And can we talk about the way he looks because of all the whipping at this point? Oh my God. He's got like, like, crosshatching going. I feel like the Romans like set this up. It was like, all right, now you whip him at like a 90. And then it'll look like, like, well, do it like, let's do it like Grommarks, like a few. And then, see, that's why you're the senior whipper, yeah.

It's like a middle schooler was trying to draw a shadow behind Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. You guys ever did that? Funny crosshatching. No, the grueling thing makes sense of why they flipped them over.

Yeah, it's like a Tolstito. I get it, I got it. Otherwise, only the top half of the world would have been forgiven for their sins. Just a bunch of people in South America going to hell. Or getting Zika one or the other. So then... One universe. Oh, you don't move him. He's on board with Zika now. Oh, he makes the Zika joke. He's on board with Zika jokes. Good. If you'd like to buy our book Noah makes the Zika joke,

it's a children's book. If you'd like to buy it, it's at the merch table outside. And if you want to get rid of your Zika, can fix that for you just like a lot of these. So now they finally got Jesus there they they strip him down to his signature diaper. Well played. Well fucking played. Did you get a picture of my tits just in case I turned tail? Like so you're gonna tweet it at me when I become a Christian apologist. So, and I know if you watched along with us to this point, you know you're thinking the same thing we were, it was just like when's Jesus gonna get tortured a little bit? So now we get to part where he gets nailed into the cross. Do you guys know who's hand that was on the cross? Mel Gibson's.

Mel Gibson's fucking hand. He said in interviews, it's because he died from my sins. I had to put my hand on the cross. I think Mel Gibson's just incapable of not having someone hurt him in every movie he does. I couldn't hit. Like at the end they had all the shoots done. He was like, you know, I'll realize no one hit me. And the editor was like, I will kick you in the balls right now. Please don't make me do any reshoots.

And he's like, we got a 30-6 guys line and up, yeah. And I like how they tap down the nails behind it to like save. Yeah, I think. Yeah, it was like a safe crucifix. they tap down the nails behind it to save people. But a safe crucifix nobody like cuts themself behind it. Right. They're sanding off the edges smoothly. OK, also, and again, this is not even remotely in the Bible. There's a part where they yank Jesus's arm out of socket

so they can stretch it along, like stretch arm strong, or whatever. Yeah, it's like a voice, gracey video. They're like, you got to get on the angle and just get your hips against it. Yeah, apparently. And again, this isn't in the fucking Bible. It's not like we haven't seen this guy get beat up, but apparently the fucking Ikea Cross came with a little circle.

Let me get that out of the wrench. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. The notch is a little further. It's fine. The Verne just knew it crossed. That's the one. And also I wanna say, it's very, I was really happy to see the Romans enjoying their job

so much, that's important. It's important to have a job that you like. Also, okay, so again, you would think, you know, we know who Jesus is, we know we got nailed to a fucking cross. You would think that you could maybe get one shot of the nail going into his hand and then maybe imply the other one. You could hear the sound, maybe see his, no.

We're gonna watch both fucking nails in the hands, the nails in the feet, the whole nine, we are gonna watch every fucking second of that, complete with squirty noises. Where the hell did that come from? I expected like an ESPN replay with John Madden being like, now you see the nails right here, there, he's drawing a yellow on the screen and slow motion. ESPN replay with John Madden being like now you see the nails right here

He's drawing in yellow on the screen in slow motion Got some good crucifixion right there That's some fine crucifixion you see is the crucifixion isn't over until he's dead. Once he's dead. There's a hair. There's no breathing. So, yeah, so they put him up on the cross and they get... This is such... Okay, so I should say, I'm a huge fan of Jesus Christ Superstar. It's a phenomenal show. Like Neil deGrasse Tyson, that means I'm not an atheist apparently. Gandel! But... And then the baby, and then the Zika, and then the virus, Zika. And I pretend, I bet you've heard all the shows.

You knew it was gonna happen. You're not... You're excited. I just want to say I didn't know it was gonna happen or I had a war in Jement. So... So, but anyway, the point I was trying to make is that when you raise Jesus up on the cross,

even if you're not... Even if you're watching this as an atheist, that can be one of the most dramatic and incredible fucking moments But not in this stupid fucking movie and this movie is like oh, thank God Finally at this point you're so bored and hateful of the experience that you're you're literally like yeah Right And then can we try this is where he gets heckled, right? Yes.

The other thieves. Why the other guys getting crucified? Right. He's getting crucified and they're like, Do something, pussy. Do something magic. Do something magic. Do something magic.

Fucking fru-sum. This is all part of the trick. Don't be an asshole. This is... This is every magic show I've ever done where someone just takes my cards and shuffles them and is like, now find the card and I'm like, you can't do that. And Jesus just reacts the way I do when I fail a magic trick. I'm just like, totally could have done that trick again, but like, um, busy.

I decided to die for your sins instead, but like... My friend Mary told you I could totally escape from this crust if I want to. LAUGHTER Three people do what? Oh podcast audience. You're missing more visual humor, I apologize. Yeah, fuck you for not coming. And I should also say that this is the point where we start interlacing like the the sermon on the mount and I thought this was super awkward because I knew I had read before that the guy got struck by lightning while they're while they're filming the sermon on the mount

and if you're familiar with the sermon on the mount that it is 95% Jesus say in the world's gonna end in like three four minutes That's the whole goddamn thing. There's like a couple little bits where he's like also don't kill people and shit. But that's, and that's what that's how they got through it. We get like these little nine second cuts of the sermon on the mountain and back to cruise to fiction. Yeah.

That's the only way you could get that in there. Yeah, they salon magazine Jesus, but opposite. They choose like the one sentence he said that was Jesus-y according to most people who haven't read the Bible. And it's cut And that's it. That's it. Guys, he's going to start talking about how grady is again, so he's going.

10 good seconds of idle. They got it. Yeah. And so now this, and then of course there's thunder and that freaks everybody out. So they're like, fuck this game of yawtsy guys, we got a roll. The Jews react to weather exactly the way all Jews react to weather, they just say, oh no god, it's raiding! Oh, and there wasn't your conditioning yet,

so they're all freaked out. They're just trying to adjust a dial clean it is here. Who cleaned up? This is lovely. Mary's just standing there. Oh, you noticed. So, but I will say though, the one, the one Jew in the movie that was willing to brave the weather was Mary. You know, she's like, you know what?

It's windy, but I'm still going to talk to my crucified son. So, she shows up and she's like, hey son, how you doing? He's like, I'm kind of thirsty. They put a little sponge on a spear and hold it up to him. He sucks off a nasty little water. How you allowed water? Was he allowed to, like, could he've asked for food or like, let me get a blow to it.

My dick's kind of dry. I kind of, oh, they just have a prostitute on a spear that they just laid up to his dick how about a cool fucking hammer broader boarding yeah use a cool hammer right about now so yeah so Jesus says cryptic words mom says you said words cool and and then I guess the weather's getting bad so they start like they do the the breaking the thieves legs and the stabbing the spear as though they knew they were running out of movie right they're trying to wrap up Coachella they're like oh

fuck we gotta break this down guys come on knees knees and then Jesus they stab him with the spear and like because it's the nicer thing to do I can't and the guy has a great he stabs him with the spear and he gets all blood on his face, and he has a green mile moment. But we don't know what was wrong with that guy's like dick. So that soldier stabs him and he's like, oh, I'm healed!

And it's like, what are you healed of? And he's like, I don't know, we couldn't put it in the movie. And he's like, I don't know, we couldn't put it in the movie. I'm healed. Just like a scene that they cut where he's doing clap pushups all the sun. Feeling great. So now Jesus is dead and we get this great like for for vultures of horror this would have

been an awesome special effect. The raindrop falls or whatever and and we're inside it, I guess, or we're like, anyway, a big earthquake happens, and everybody's like, fuck that man, storm's in, earthquakes, that's gotta be DSI, that should just doesn't happen. Yeah. So, yeah.

Yeah. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So.

So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. maddened, snarly in hell. Right, and Satan has like a new moment. We like, no! Like a pterodactyl just lost to Harry Potter and stuff.

Just like, I'll never get a palm door at con! Like, I expected him to pull like a bucket of Jesus's blood down on himself in a chair Cuts to a Ricky Martin video I was open for that so So the Jews of course come back of their temples all destroyed. That's what they got and you thought maybe you've seen enough Bloody Jesus, but no you haven't because now we got gotta get them like taking him down with their winches and shit like that. No, he's dead. They're being super gentle.

I really wanted somebody to drop their end of the sling. I went to the top trouble. They're like, no, the left. They like to grab the left side. What are you doing? Your turn to the other way. Damn it. Why are you pivoting my way?

No, I said left. Okay, my state. Your shouting at me. Your shouting at me. You were shouting at me. You were shouting at me. We just, God damn it. We're going to HR again. me. You are shouting at me. We're going to A-Charigan. We're not going to A-Charigan.

I need a mediation. No, this is a hostile environment. Always have your men. Unbelievable. Those two guys gave each other a silent treatment the rest of the day is a lot. So, we're almost there. We're almost.

So a crazy one, like, taken nap for a minute blackout happens. And then we come back, we're in the tomb, where they're like rolling the stone or whatever. And Jesus deflates. If I get crazy billion or money, the only change I will make to this movie is I'll just insert the... POO! But then he's standing next to his own. He's Obi-Wan Kenobi-ing in the corner.

But whatever, yeah. He vanished from here and he's here. Like, you could have been anywhere, man. With a hole in his face. With the models. Yeah. Well, okay, and that's the fucked up thing. The stokemata is not supposed to be the fucking holes

in his hands, supposed to be the wounds of the crucifixion. So he should still have the cross hatches and the skin hanging off. He should still look like the fucking menstruating vagina and everything. But no. Just kept the holes. Just kept the holes. patches and the skin hang and all he should still look like the fucking menstruating vagina and everything but no Just kept the holes. He's just kept the holes. He's gonna use those later He's also and they don't show any of that again stick mod a jerk That's what we're all waiting for at this crazy billionaire money Also, I get mod a jerk comm is our new website It's just me and he we have a shirt at the front

It's just me and Heath. We have a shirt at the front. It's an extension of cooking with ramen, or cooking ramen with you. You know I'm just gonna cut that one. No one will ever know that line existed. It's on show. Don't cut that's a real show. That's important to me.

And I want that publicized. He just... I call him... I call him... It's with me. It's a fun show. Thank you. Thank you. One guy. It's a good ramen with I'll see you. Thank you. Thank you. One guy. Take a ramen with you.

We're gonna be doing the live cooking with ramen with Heath show next month. Longtail marketing. So. So and that's the movie. I think my last note was just like, wow, that was gross. That was pretty much it. I had stopped watching a long time ago.

So let me guess they crucified you. I haven't watching a long time ago. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Like, let me guess they cruciafired. I haven't had notes for like half this yet. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. There's just that, there's just that gift of the cat looking for its phone on the bed, and that's all he could have had up his entire show. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. If he's going to tell you off, I'm going to tell you.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I'm not gonna tell you. I almost made it. I almost made it. So, now of course the rumors are swirling that there's gonna be a sequel. That's exciting. Yeah. And I'm curious what you know. Like okay, so let's say that Mel came to you He handed you the whole franchise and he says guys. What do you want to do for a sequel?

Give me give me your elevator pitch. I got a title anyway. I got a title. All right. That'll work. The passion to Morning Star Wars We're all started by the Jews See the three layerlayer Jews. I was thinking because, like, at the end, it's got that badass, like, he's gonna get vengeance music, right, when he's... Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

Yeah. Passion to judgment day. Nice. All right. All right. Makes perfect sense. All right, well, rather than waiting, like reviewers would on like one-to-five stick mod or whatever, I want to try to capture the essence of this flick by simply asking you

this. What is the one additional torture that Jesus would have had to go through in this movie before he suffered as much as you did? Oh, that's a good one. Make and watch tailies of this movie. Throughout. Yeah, because you kind of imagine there was shit that didn't make it.

It's... Wow. Just a separate crucifixion for his dick. The entire process, but his dick, like the dick... With a whip area tiny cross. Yeah. You're a step ahead of him. Oh, I'm a bit...

I'm a bit... Yeah. You're a step ahead of him. I'm a bit... I'm a bit... I'm a bit... PEE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E Finally they nail it by the balls to either side. They just put it next to him. Draw me that. And while that's going to do it for the live portion of our show and for our review of the Passion of the Christ, that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need a T-Giant rejoining us next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. God's not dead. The original. Now okay, so unfortunately this will have to be

an Eli-less episode because we kind of had to use our spare while Eli's on honeymoon episode a couple of weeks ago. But if all goes as planned, we will be joined by friends of the show Tom and Cecil from Cognitive Disinits who are are at the very least, Eli's equals in weight and collective public indecency charges. That's true. That's true. Now, of course, if you've been listening for a long time, you'll know that we actually did review this movie on Skaithing Way back when it was the first movie review that Eli

ever did. That was like a 15-minute segment, 20-minute segment, or whatever, or two years ago, whatever. I've actually never seen the movie, so we should still have a lot of fun with it and everything. And then we won't have to cheat Eli out of any of these phenomenally awesome movies we watch. I appreciate that, I do. It's also, it's on Hulu. So if you want to watch along with us,

and you have Hulu or more importantly, you know someone that has Hulu, you can watch it there. There you go. Yeah. And the second one will make a lot more sensual. Right, exactly. All those characters, where we're going to lock in, and the second one will make a lot more sensual Right, exactly all those characters were lost lock-in Fill everything in so with all that to look forward to we're gonna bring episode 53 to a merciful close

Need to toss out a huge thanks to Morgan Clark without whom the live show would have been a fucking nightmare I want to thank PJ Thorne for graciously volunteering his time to help us out on technicals as well I want to thank Al layman from the inciting incident podcast for cooking up those awesome video clips that you guys didn't get to see because this is a podcast. Also big thanks to Lucinda Luzans and a Phyllis Smith and all the people at the People's Improv Theater and most of all, of course, to all the awesome humans who came out to see the show live. Honestly, it ranks right up there with discovering anal beads in my top life experiences list and it's all because of you guys.

Fucking amazing. All of them happening in front of other people. Oh, you'll be close. Mostly the same people, you know. Told you it In front of other people. Hold you, people. Mostly the same people, yeah. Hold you, it could be the best. Of course, I need to throw in an equal thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful. And thereby, an early access to every episode.

You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed the show, be sure to check out our siblings shows, the scanning atheist and the skepticrat available on iTunes, Stitcher and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodawfulMoviesEdgeMail.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of Evil Drafts on Mars and was used with permission. If you like what you hear here and more by following links on the show and list for this episode. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen right in Eli Bosnick.

I'm no illusions promise into work harder and another chunk next week until then we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Some body walks and knock down, but I don't even care. I don't care, I don't care, I don't care. The Jews went on to bury the fossils and start more wars. Pictures of Eli walking on stage in his underwear are on Twitter. Jesus was several thousand years off on the whole world's gonna end thing. Any minute now. That's a new name to show that show by the end of Jersey and didn't come. That's a new name to show that show by the end of Jersey and didn't come.

Thank you, New York. Oh. Oh. That's fun with you, Sam. Now, I believe we still have the space for a good 10 minutes or so. So we're going to do that orgy thing. Yes. Eli's going to go that orgy thing.

Yes. Eli's going to go back in and change. No, but we did have a few minutes set aside for Q&A. If anybody wanted to, oh, you know what? I had one other little bit of trivia that I had to throw out. I've been saving this. I haven't told these guys this yet. Does anybody know who Mel Gibson originally

wanted to cast as Jesus? That's it. I haven't told these guys this yet. Does anybody know who Mel Gibson originally wanted to cast as Jesus? That's it. Wow. McCulley. Fucking. Colton. Impressive.

Make that happen. Yeah. Which really, I got to admit, I didn't get it ready in time, but I really wanted to recut the trailer for this movie as Home Alone 6. Yeah. Yeah. Because you can do it. There's the scene where Claudia wakes up I really wanted to rec one of the kids. I'm going to get one of the kids.

I'm going to get one of the kids. I'm going to get one of the kids. I'm going to get one of the kids. I'm going to get one of the kids. I'm going to get one of the kids. I'm going to get one of the kids. I'm going to get one of the kids. I'm going to get one of the kids.

I'm going to get one of the kids. I'm going to get one of the kids. I'm going to get one of the kids. I'm going to get one of the kids. I'm going to get one of the kids. I'm going to get one of the kids. I'm going to get one of the kids. I'm going to get one of the kids.

I'm going to get one of the kids. I'm going to get one of the kids. I'm going to get one of the kids. I'm going to get one of the kids. I'm going to get one of the kids. I'm going to get one of the kids. I'm going to get one of the kids. Latino women with that on their areas instead. What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? That's amazing. Text that to me, I'm going to use it. That's mad.

For other stuff. That's how bad it could have been, guys. Joe Pescius punches pilot. Yeah. Do not take it down. I like it. All right, you want to do a quick. All right.

So. The ultimate suffering. So now we have about six minutes left for... That's probably better. That's probably better. Yeah, right, right, for Q&A. So if anybody has a question, he's going to be moving through. Just tell us your name, where you're from, and who you would recast as Jesus instead of

McCulley Culkin. Oh, yeah, and your question. My name's Jeff. I'm from New Brunswick, New Jersey. So I may have come further than anybody else. New Jersey got a lot of claps there. And I would, I guess I'd recast Justin Bieber. All right.

Solid. I'd watch his ask towards you for a couple hours. I like it. Right. That would be fun. Yeah. I guess my question is actually for Heath. How do you get a word in Edgewise? I just know I generally don't it makes my job a lot of these I just drink the beers that people give me.

Good job on that by the way. Thank you. Who was that? Who brought the three beers up for this and I ended up getting. Thank you. Thank you. Who was that? Who brought the three beers up for this and I ended up getting thank you. Oh awesome. Yes. Fantastic. Question over there. Hey, my name is Chris. First of all, I'm going to take you out on a date tonight. My question is who is the most outtakes of all of you? Outtakes? Oh me. Easily. Easily Eli.

The way you hear me pronounce words is what makes it past the edit. You get to hear about 20% of what Eli says. Yeah. Everything that comes out of my mouth is just Richard Dawkins September. And he turns it into a show. Yeah, no, people always tell me they're like, no, no, we would love to hear the stuff that

Eli takes. And I'm like, have you heard the shit of his that I leave in? Are you just imagine what I take out from this guy? A lot of nuclear gets taken out. A lot of nuclear. Hi, I'm Catherine. See, I'm from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, to what I recast.

Probably Arnold Schwarzenegger, just to hear him grunt every time they smile. Nice. Oh, go! Go! My question's for you, Eli. I really want to know, how the hell did you get away with licking Ray Comfort and not get, you know,

punishable salesman? Okay, great question. So I'm going to reenact it so you guys can understand what happened. Your Ray Comfort. So first of all, I have two things. I set this up so you would lick. I should have blown Ray Comfort because I got 12 emails from you people being like,

I'm gonna lick you when I see you at the show. I should have blown it. This would have been a great night for me. So here's what happened. It's sweaty. It's a reason really. The cops are hassling his men's henchmen and I was like, Hey, Ray, can I get a picture and I pulled him in like this I got him I got him here I'm doing it we're not gonna blow me I pull him in and I was like and I told Anna before and I was like you're gonna have

to take this picture quick because I'm going to jail and so I have a picture and then he's tall, but I was like, I just got him. And he, he's, he's, he's paid for this. Yeah, I actually paid for this too. I actually paid for this too. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Did you put cinnamon sugar on your face? I did. I thought you would like that.

I did. So he felt it. I felt it. I felt it up elsewhere, but he reacted. He reacted, and I was just like, oh, my face is sweaty. And he was like, and I was like, mm, got to call the, you got to live in a world where I lick you.

And we locked eyes, and he was just like, all right, mate. There we go. I want to tell this same story from a slightly different perspective because I was coming up from, okay, so I'm walking across the national mall, because I got a hotel right by the national mall, the things at the national mall, I think, oh, cool, I can walk. It's on the other side of the national mall, it's like five miles,

whatever the fuck. Oh my god, so it's 190 degrees, and it's just dripping sweat, it's crazy human, and I'm getting these increasingly frantic texts from Eli saying, gray is ripe, fucking here. Now, I've got all the recording stuff with me, we don't trust Eli with expensive stuff. So I'm coming up, and the messengers I've got all the recording stuff with me. We don't trust Eli with expensive stuff. Ah! Ah!

So I'm coming up and the messengers are just getting to be like in all caps, licking him now! Ah! And so I start kind of picking up my pace, you know, I want to try to get in there. And I see him from afar, I come up over the rise, and I see the two of them setting up for a picture, I'm like, oh he's fucking doing it. So I'm like this $6 million man, like, nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm like, Eli has never been kidding. There has never been a time where I thought, Eli wouldn't really do that, and I was right. So I'm like at a full fucking sprint, I see the lit cap and I just see Ray look at him, just glassy, I just don't like... Like he's trying to figure out if that means he's gay now. And he is.

That's how that works. That's how that works. It moved. If it moved when Eli licks you, that's the test. Turns you gay. All right. Well, I appreciate you warning me right after the lick right there.

Now I only get two wishes. He's in the corner. Oh, all the wayhibli Godfrey. I would like you to say Pokemon. Peek-a-toom. Yeah, I was going to say that one I got. That one I got. It's the little, little feline lightning bolt that gives me shit.

You know, so funny as we're walking by here, there's like these, there's the three people on their phones, all like talking Pokemon go or whatever, as I'm walking by, my wife is just going, pick out you, say it, say it, say it, say it, pick out you. Well, I'm Matt from Eastern Long Island. I, Long Island.

I would recast Ben Carlson as Jesus. It would be a four hour amp amp amp. Might be the best one yet. And my question is I want to know when we can get a review of Ray Comfort's Noah's Ark Park. Oh, that's 10k. A review of the actual facility that venue. Yeah. Well, you know, I will say Tom and Cecil from Cognitive Distance actually did make a trip. Yeah, and they were tweeting that the, I became aware of it because they sent out a tweet saying, boy, these lines are long. Are we all taking turns with, uh, given a go at Noah's wife? So I, I had to run in the back and check.

She was playing Candy Crush so they weren't't, but uh... Candy Crush, but... Boopie! I'm so sorry. Uh, something a little more kid-friendly. Trouble he grew in in Jutam. Uh, no, also not that. Oh, right, because that's New York City, right? Passion of the Christ.

Um... of the Christ.