God Awful Movies - 55: GAM055 The Masked Saint

Episode Date: September 6, 2016

In this week's episode, Eli, Noah, and Heath team up for an atheist review of The Masked Saint, the story of Nacho Libre, except for realsies. This convoluted and uncomfortable hybrid combines elements of wrestling movies, superhero flicks, and Christian cinema to form a confused mess of stupidity. That we watched. On purpose. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page.

A chapuzon, with a la dito, your favorite series, and in the middle of your party. Hey, have you seen this? You don't know the plan that you see in English, but you go out with certain sessions with DJs, classes of yoga, workshops and activities with children, you get points. A dream of summer by Westin Park, And this is the most amazing line she says what wrestling audiences really want is someone they can have faith in I'm like no Wrestling fans want a homo erotic release that still seems manly. Yeah, I've been to wrestling matches and what people at wrestling matches want is a dentist They do

Someone to have faith in, okay? They were giving away promotional wife beaters. Don't tell me about you. Have faith in something. And that's a stick. That's a kind of stick, by the way, to wrestling. That's a stick, by the way, to wrestling. God awful.

Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie! Movie! Welcome back to the Gamcast where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because there are only so many doors You can slam your dick in I'm your host no illusions and sitting to my immediate left is my good friend heathen right heath Welcome back. Thank you very excited wrestling movie. Wrestling movie. And sitting 81 miles to my right once again is my bad friend Eli Bosnick. Eli it's so good to have you back in the hot seat there.

Oh, this is good to be a back junction. This is a generator hard, hip hard. We do sound like that. This is what I'm doing the entire show in this place. It'd be fun for about 44 seconds and then you'll get the most complaints. It turned into a pirate movie. No, I got to say which way to turn Australian there. So how was the honeymoon, bro? It was good. I don't know why everyone talks about like sex being such a big deal. I had it for the first time and watched

By the way, everyone owes me money. I can catch a sheep Can catch a sheep so Apology true Irish experience awesome awesome glad you got it all out So tell us heath and you've already hinted, but what will we be breaking down today? All right, very excited. We watched the masked saint. It's the story of this hilarious rich guy who pays for all the stuff it is true. But then he gets embarrassed into not doing that anymore by the new pastor. It's kind of a dick. And the pastor, by the way, used to be a Christian sex skimp themed

wrestler. You may or may not also become a masked vigilante, which is either good or bad. The movie hasn't decided. No. No. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you liked Nacho Libre, but you thought to yourself, damn it, take this seriously. You're gonna love this movie. This is a movie that posits a universe, and we need to figure this out, because the whole movie doesn't make any sense. This movie posits a universe where wrestling is real, but all fighting looks like wrestling. As we will learn throughout this movie, no matter where people fight, they do wrestling fighting with the like, they're napping in a re- he fights someone in a street fight and he naps. He's like, he's like, he's like trying to find turnbuckles

to ligands. I have no idea what the reality of this movie is, but it's magical. Every second of it is glorious. And it'll just get worse as we go. Yeah. Yeah. And statement will come into sharp focus by the end of act two. And i've got to say i was kind of worried about this movie because like from the preview and actually looked kind of good and like i had high production value and the camera seem to be in the right place and it was you like this was a moderately well directed movie the acting was okay so i was nervous that it wouldn't be bad enough but after watching this fucking movie i feel like we could do a full two hours just on the plot. It is the craziest plot. It is like a woman, an old woman with Alzheimer's trying to shout over the wrestling you're watching

on TV. Anyway, so Jesus, and the slammer come, and he loves you, don't you? I'm your my grandson and the crisper this movie doesn't know what this movie is about no no and it never decides no so is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at oh I'm gonna say best worst literary illusion to a Eugene O'Neal play as related to professional wrestling and the name of a great alright competitive category will get there you'll you'll you'll here glad to top that one out you like I'm gonna go with quickest fill of a Christian movie bingo card they really they went to the all square shit you got this I got a certain point I was like I kept writing like oh Christian movie bingo in my notes and I was like okay they're not gonna want to hear that isn't they're good this is a lot of this hits a lot of beats but yeah it is the fastest most

complete fill of a Christian movie bingo card I could possibly imagine yeah it's like they saw the bingo card in advance. Yeah. Amazing. There was that guy in a luchador's mask who bought one at the New York Lime Show. Oh shit. Well, if there's one thing this movie taught me, it's that fuck transitions. Routing! Routing! Yeah, thanks for having me in, guys.

Man, I cannot tell you how excited we are to have a real Professional wrestler be a part of this project. Yeah, okay. Yeah glad to be here cool Cool cool cool cool yo so quick change You know how wrestling is like well-rehearse stage combat and acrobatics Yeah, yeah, all right all right, but for this movie we're thinking like what if wrestling was real What yeah, like we want the fight at the end to be real so like the fight our hero can win Yeah, but but like it's it's it's choreographed real real fighting doesn't look like wrestling. People don't jump on other people in fights. So you guys... Well, yeah, but like in this movie though, it will be.

Yeah, yeah. Because at the beginning, the Reaper breaks the mass Saints leg on purpose and you let it happen. Yeah. Wait, I just let one performer assault another performer. another performer yeah yeah because if you don't then he'll you'll you'll sue him for not letting you let him get all sue him yeah sorry sorry um let me get the straight is wrestling real in the movie or not. We are not a hundred percent sure. It's in my fixed boxing.

Yeah, there you go. That's pretty much it. I'm sorry, this just sounds so incredibly stupid. I mean, I fucked a frog in the movie I'm most known for and nobody is gonna buy this. This is so much worse than that. Sorry, I forgot. It's a Christian movie. Oh, nevermind, I'm in. I'm in. Good to hear much worse than that. Uh, sorry, I forgot. It's a Christian movie.

Oh, nevermind. I'm in. I'm in. Good to hear. Good to hear. Good to hear. Good, good, good. I'm glad to have you here. Do I get to fuck a frog though? Again? Sure, sure. Yeah, yeah. We can bring one to your trailer. We still have Kirk Cameron's old fuck frog. If you want to use that, I want a new one.

New fuck frog. Writer. And we're back for the breakdown. New fuckfrog, writer. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha if your logo is a guy skateboarding on a fucking a fucking ass. Like the kids do these days. Is that officially called Divorce Dad Films? Or is that something that they're... Yeah, so we're gonna start this out. Okay, so this is gonna be a consistent theme throughout this movie.

This movie has no idea what poor people shit look like. So we're gonna start this movie out in like suburban Rwanda where our main character grew up with a bad dad whose mom hasn't seen him since last month right and we see this because he is sitting outside on the porch and they're having an exposition only fight like you're an improper father oh yeah well i'm about to abandon our. Do you think that'll give him issues? You're damn right, it will. All right, bye. Yeah, the whole first scene, it seems like a commercial

for like, Wrangler domestic abuse gene. So far, and he's, what? It's horrible. It's also inspired by true events. This story is what we learn right away. Also fake wrestling. It's inspired by K-Fab. It's very interesting.

It's inspired by true events K-Fab. Good job. So, yeah, so, but basically what we're learning is that, you know, he had angry parents and an absent dad and no money, and he had to do chores. And then in the next scene, we learn that he also used to get his ass kicked by bullies. Right. And this bully fight seems to consist of him being pushed down and getting up again. Yeah.

Uh, the bully is also speaking entirely in like subconscious knowledge. He's like, you can't take it. You're so small. By the way, the Eli Bosnick story. Like, it's like literally, hey, I'm a big bully. I have issues at home. That's why I'm picking on you. Yeah, right.

Right. Well, which is how everyone talks in this fucking movie. Throughout. So, yeah, so like the kid bit, we see this kid beat him up, but he's got a like a really crappy bloody blow, but it's enough to knock little pussy Christopher down. Well, it's a full grown adult with a backwards hat. That's it.

It's this actual second grade kid and like the class loves it. They're going nuts. You can prison yard fight fight fight. Yeah, everyone has gathered around all the little girls and boys. Wanna see him get his ass kicked. And honestly, if you're gonna go there, go all the way. Make him piss on the kid like in Kung Fu hustle or don't waste my fucking time. Don't try to pretend like this is bad.

No one even had to see his dick. He didn't get thrown into a dumpster or anything. Never mind. So yeah. So now we see little Chris watching wrestling after he got his house kicked and learning the footsie hold. What was this? The patented toehold that can you can break legs this way. The toehold? Kids don't try it at home. Yeah, it's absolutely ridiculous. You could mildly bruise a shin with his arms.

Like worst case scenario, too hard, too hard, stop. And that's it. And what's so amazing is that we're supposed to believe that he just like visually learned this from watching it once in his core couch. Like he just watched wrestling and now he's a kung fu master. I'm like, quick, turn on Cosmos, kid. You'll send a rocket to the moon.

And this part this little message here is actually kind of accurate using a WWF move that you learned once on TV that day to go into a real fight with. That's exactly like using religion to make life choices. I think that's a great way to thin the gene pool. I've seen some videos go wrong I I hate Billy with the chair, but he didn't pop back up again. I blame him All lives matter Billy all lives So yeah, but instead we cut to a scene of him Using his new wrestling move to beat up the bully. So basically we get like a

30-second karate kid. Yeah, but it's it's the weirdest move you could possibly imagine like you could almost imagine a kid like managing to pull off a Sleeper hole which he later uses in the movie so that would make sense or it show call or something fairly basic but it's the weirdest most kung fu most absurd it's a weird like he rolls under his leg and then ties his leg up with his and squeezes his toe up against his ass it's the just craziest thing in the world yeah so now we cut to today and there will be wrestling and I just want to say in advance I did not jerk off during the locker room scene at all Just a bunch of dudes in a locker room greasing up their Topless muscular bodies There's no reason why the director spent seven to twelve minutes slowly

Every line of these extras who will never come back again. Mostly, yeah. At which point we are introduced to Iceman who has dressed like a fucking ice cadet in the campaigns. Ice-Judy? Yeah. He looks like Princess Elsa's gay best friend

from the throws you last paid. Shit. And he's right next to the reaper who we're gonna find out is the bad guy. He's like doing bicep curls with two pianos in a metal bar and boiled up. And the reaper really, like just calm the plunder taker. Come on. The shmunder taker. I loved the fucking, uh, the reaper was his name. Okay, so I looked this guy up on IMDB. This is a list of his form rules. A sampling, if you will.

These are all real. Bouncer, thug, Django Glamour, Bouncer again, Little John, the big man, big Mitch, big deal, Bouncer again, Biker Bob, bullet maker, Mercenary number one, top mercenary, treason, the reaper, satanist and nude person making out. I was in Max Payne, that wasn't the thing. There was Oscar buzz for nude person making out.

But I also want to point out, the gay Mr. Freese's son is he supposed to be gay. Like he looks like Mr. Freese's rebellious gay son, but is he supposed to be gay like he looks like mr. freeze is rebellious gay son but is he supposed to he wanders into this movie twice and he's like hey what's going on you excited for the wrestling and then Roddy Piper comes over okay well I'm getting ahead of myself I'm getting ahead of myself but is that character supposed to be gay that's my question I can't imagine how could he not be. He's wearing eye makeup. Oh, yeah, and like his signature thing is to like blow a kiss Yeah, and then shiver and then she's a man. Yeah, okay. I feel like that actor improvised that like

What in a way was and they were like, bro, so you just make up your own thing and he was like, don't worry I've got it and they were like should we and he was like, I'm sure he'll watch some wrestling and figure out and he just make up your own thing and he was like, don't worry, I've got it. And they were like, should we? And he was like, I'm sure he'll watch some wrestling and figure out and he just showed up today. And he was like, I use one of my old cheerleading uniforms. What do you think? And they were like, yeah, man, great. Super good. Wrestling's doing rise like this, right?

Oh yeah, oh yeah. Certain kinds of wrestlers. And of course, the main reason for this scene to exist other than homoeroticism is so that we can meet the the promoter the fight promoter Nikki played by Raudi Raudi Piper in the last thing He's the rats and burger of this movie. Yep. Yep. And he's going for it though. He's one of the better actor He went with a whiskey throat cancer accent. Yeah

for it though. He's one of the better actors. He went with a whiskey throat cancer accent. Yeah. Yeah. How do you tank your career when your famous for hell comes to Frogtown? I take some real talent. I'm the guy known for fucking a frog with boobs in my post-apocalyptic Mad Max movie before Mad Max came out, but I'd like to tank that I'd like to shame that legacy I made a movie about how I had a magic dick and this is worse Sounds like Eli made some of that up not at all. No, that's all That's I had to look it up. So yet Sorry, man. My browser history is just not as interesting as yours So so yet sorry my browser history is just not as interesting as yours so uh... it yeah but but but he what we're supposed to learn here is that he's a

dirty fight promoter and he doesn't like the fact that okay that we haven't even mentioned the main character the saint right that the one guy that doesn't look like a wrestler in this group i mean the gay guys at least built like a wrestler uh... but he's retiring this is his last night as a fighter and Raudi-Raudi Piper is not very pleased by that at all. Right. And he wants him to take a dive.

Yeah. What? Wrestling. It's it's the choreographed fight choreography. Acrobatics show wants him to read the script that they have in the thing. Yeah. This would be like a, this would be like a scene from a movie where someone walks up to Hamlet before the play and is like tonight Hamlet dies. I don't want to.

It's how the play goes. I assume we had several weeks of rehearsal. Well that's the thing, like my note right here is like this movie thinks God and wrestling are real. I don't know which is more bizarre, but they're filled with wrestlers. So like, what? None of the wrestlers who did the wrestling in this movie were like, hey man, you know this is all choreographed, right? People don't generally help their opponents up onto the turnbuckles in a real fight. Well, okay, but so here's the thing though, like, then we cut to the, because I have a theory on this, right? Because then we cut to the wife as he's wrestling, right? And he's getting beat up and she turns to the daughter and goes like,

oh, don't worry, honey, it's just acting. So I'm wondering if the director just thinks that something that you tell kids, right? Like that Santa Claus is is real you just tell kids That it's all acting so every time one of the wrestlers in the movie said hey dude It's it's just acting. It's not real. He would look at him and wink and go right exactly and look around it Somebody's daughters don't want to give anything away you and me are on the same page Why are you wet the same page? But this is the first time we get to see our hero in the ring, right? And his signature move, would anyone like to describe what happens in his signature move?

Oh, you mean the faith breaker. The faith breaker. Yeah, faith breaker. Yeah, faith breaker. That's when you when you roll through a standing 69 with another gentleman. Oh, yeah. And then do nothing. Right. And then drop to your knees and pray. through a standing 69 with another gentleman. Yeah, and then do nothing.

Right. And then drop to your knees and pray. And I think it's the nothing part. And it hurts the other guy's face a lot. And he kind of explodes away. His face region. And also isn't a faith break or something that would make you into an atheist? I mean, is he making atheists out of his opponents?

They didn't show the full thing. What happens is he drops his needs to pray. Notice is nothing happens looks around pulls a copy of the God delusion out of his outfit reads through it really quickly throws away takes his mask off and fucks whoever he wants to show the part of it and the thing you gotta imagine the rest faithbreakers are pretty common move actually among wrestler I see yeah I have another question about the moves. Is there a move called a tender hand holding slam

in real wrestling, fake real wrestling? Because they seem to be focused on that too. That was a pretty cool move. What's amazing is that for anyone who watches wrestling, and I watch quite a bit of it, because it's very interesting intellectually to me, you can recognize all of wrestling's moves being done by terrible people. This is basically if Heath and I had decided to try to do the Nutcracker.

I thought we did it pretty well. I thought we did it. Whenever. People would recognize what we were going for, but they definitely wouldn't think it would be Nutcracker. Yeah, if it sold it. I mean, everything knew what was't think it was not cracker. Yeah, if it sold it, I mean, I didn't know what was happening. Our dancing wasn't great.

And of course, he's fighting the Reaper, who might as well have main bad guy tattooed across his fucking forehead. Alright, and also, just to be throwing this out there, it's based on the Undertaker, which I take a ton of offense set because the Undertaker in real life, that guy super duper nice and created a charity for big dogs. So fuck this dude. There's wrestlers who went crazy and killed their family. Why can't you use that guy? I know you got to be the Undertaker because he wears white makeup.

They also messed up his makeup too. They just dressed him up like the crow. He's the crow on the face and then just a muscular man below that like sting with clown makeup and the Crow Yeah, they went for a lot of steals. He looks like Chris Angel got his medication mixed up with Bane So and much like Bane apparently because wrestling is real After the fight is over and after our hero is tapped out and taken the fall that he had to take despite the normal legitimacy of wrestling, this actor breaks his goddamn leg.

And it's not get sued for millions of dollars and go to jail for himself. No, you're not allowed to cripple someone while you get charged with assault for that. This isn't passion in the Christ. Come on. Yes. Yes. When we do podcasts with other people, we don't get to like stab them because we're doing art at the same time.

It wasn't allowed to shank smallies, but we're doing that to charity thing again. You said we could do meth because we're on stage. I thought this was parts. All right, lesson learned. Next time. Andrew told me to invite a 14-year-old girl to my house for a while. I did it. I took advice from a podcast. They say don't take advice, but it's with a wink. You know, like wrestling's not real. Oh, yeah. Don't take legal advice from a podcast. I see.

I get you. So now we go away. OK, so like he's gotten his leg broken. And now it's like weeks or months later or some amount of time later. And they're moving so that he can be a pastor. Now, they're moving to Michigan, which is the least realistic part of this movie. Jesus exists and a man is a masked vigilante. Nobody moves to Michigan.

Well, they're moving to the bad part of Michigan. Yeah, the ghettos of Michigan. The bad side of the tracks of Michigan. Now, no, which part of Michigan is the good side of the tracks? Is that a real place? Wherever the lake Michigan separation between Illinois and Michigan is, good side of the trace? Is that a real place? Wherever the lake that Lake Michigan separation between Illinois and Michigan is, I think there's a track that runs under, yeah, no,

it's just like, yeah, oh, the shitty part of Michigan. I see the populated one, you mean. Yeah, they said they're going to Michigan and they're like, this is going to a troublesome area and I was like, this movie takes place in Detroit and this movie was like, no, we are not going to set a movie in Detroit. We don't even, we drove around it. This whole thing. No, there are no shots of the signs of the state of Michigan. That's now far away from actual Michigan. This movie. Well, they're absolutely not in Michigan. Yeah, they're in Ontario, Canada, right?

Yeah. Yeah, they're close to Michigan. And the stories based on stuff that happened in Florida. Why not just go it like they couldn't afford to shoot in Alabama or Michigan even they had to go to Canada. Right. Get some affordable health care for that broken leg thing. Oh, that is.

They're allowed to do legally. Yes. We also learned that the dog's name is Piper, little irony there, because they got a real wrestler in there. This is a little joke for everyone who knows wrestling. He's like, Hey, remember this guy? Huh? It would be like if Hulk Hogan was in the movie, is the maid, and they were like, Oh, and this is our cat Hulk. And he's like, nice name for a cat. I'll go back to cleaning the dining room table now Wash wash here wash wash there and a couple of tralala

I'd watch that So so and then of course the mom and the dad have to have Some exposition for a few minutes and like and it's this happens over and over again in this movie I won't point it out every time but the extent to which they're talking about like well it's been four weeks and you can finally walk on that leg are you sure you want to move to the bad part of Michigan with me We're moving to the bad part of Michigan like they think that it's that for like 45 seconds and it's all stuff that you Could intuit from the opening little montage of them showing up anyway. Yes, but for the old women who watched this movies in theater and trust me, I usually watch these movies with these women. I'm sure that they did.

They were like, oh, okay, I get it now. They're moving to Michigan. I don't understand. This isn't as complex as War Room was. That movie was a puzzle. Fucking inception of Christian movies over here Also, can we talk about the physical appearances mom's pretty hot right mom's mom's not bad looking But he looks like Robert Sean Leonard from house got punched in the face forever

He looks like Robert Sean Leonard took up wrestling after house He was like well if I can't play cancer doctor anymore just mash my face into the pavement until it's the exact same size. In shape. I had Scott back, you little fuck to Mickey Mouse, but yeah, that's pretty much the same thing. You could use this guy's face as a wood plane. You could fucking hang pictures with this guy's face. I did enjoy mom though, absolutely. She looked kind of like, you know, Brit of from community. like you know Brit of from community yeah but like half baby teeth half adult in a good way yeah it's nice yeah she looks like Britta gave up on her dreams say Rachel Adams but all eyes and I want to point out we meet the daughter in this scene as well who is very good she does a very good job in this movie. She's a very good actress.

Yeah. Terrible film. She won't return my calls. She doesn't want your wine. Andrew told me at opening arguments. And now we arrive at the fictional Rolling Springs Michigan, where it's admittedly it's snowing shitty just like I remember Michigan being. My music note here is curious George is going to open that jar one way or the other. My music note here was and all the animals were there. Yeah, right. I had a music note too about animal damage. I got to say this town doesn't seem to have a very thriving business section but it has a pretty good look in hookers out

in the middle of the day. It has a Las Vegas boulevard amount of hookers and it's a tiny tiny it's ridiculous. 90% of this town's income is hookers apparently it is a hooker-based economy and also by the way okay so wouldn't we were getting the exposition from mom and dad not only were they moving to the wrong side of the tracks but they were moving to a church that had financial troubles and was in a bad neighborhood and blah blah blah when they show up at this church it is goddamn enormous. I mean, maybe this town would have some money

if the giant large building, that's the only nice thing there, paid property tax. That would help. It's basically the cathedral at Notre Dame and they pull up and they're just like, hmm, sure hope we can upkeep it. And I'm like, really? Yeah, I think you can get this,

this papal size chapel under wraps. Right, right so they come this is his new church he's the new pastor here whatever and so this is where we're gonna meet the supporting cast we got Tim who is the church's treasurer that we meet here Mrs. Beasley who is mentally ill i.e. the comic relief yeah yeah miss miss bsling is like a million bidelia after everyone realizes that she's not okay and walks around being like you know the jews started all the wars right miss bsling i have an organ you sure do and then we meet jud lumpkin uh... that is the characters god damn i stop the movie

walked across the house couldn't find my head go outside to find my wife And I'm like there's a character named Judd lumpkin. He's fed he's the worst which is so funny He's just every Stereotype of a rich guy within 12 seconds. He's like hope we don't meet in court. I'm rich. I'm an asshole Up was down down is up. This is how I think people on Twitter think I am. If you asked everyone who tweets at me to do an impersonation of me, it's Judd Lumpkin. I said to my children with rolls of money. No offense, Pastor. I'm being not wealthy. And I look like Fat John Boehner. He did. Oh, Lee's, by the way, I rename

both of my cats Judd Lumpkin, just so I can relive that both of my cats Judd Lumpkin just so I can relive that moment now um, and and Judd Lumpkin is unhappy about the new pastor apparently and and so he offers him free tickets to a to a rock show like a dick Like a dick to a rolling stones cons Yeah, yeah, he's like I do the lighting for certain bands. It rhymes with Moans or something and it's like and he's like you want tickets and the best is like no I don't want the moans. I don't know what that is. I don't want to go there but it's like and what we're supposed to learn from this moment is this relatively brash gentleman is the bad guy for now. I mean he didn't break his leg although maybe he does later in

the movie. He doesn't break his leg but he's the bad guy for being verbose. And also single handedly financially supporting this church. Well, that's what's so bizarre about it. We're supposed to learn simultaneously that this guy is just giving all the money to this church that they need to keep running. And he's an insufferable asshole like that seems like a bit. I mean, to me, that's easy, right? A guy who gives a ton of money on his church tends to be an asshole in my experience,

but like in this movie, in this movie's world, that seems like a, like a juxtaposition. Yeah. You wouldn't think that you'd want to make him like a guy who net, who's super rich, but never gives any money. Right. Even though he's on the board, right? That would make this character like way less likable than someone who you've painted as a philanthropist with bad social skills.

That's pretty much it. Well, but again, he offered some of the fucking Rolling Stones tickets. He says, Hey, your new hometown, you should play basketball on my basketball team. And again, they set this up. It's like, Oh, you want to play basketball like a dick. What an asshole. What? Then again, our protagonist just beats people up. I don't know who I'm supposed to. I like the rebar almost by the end of it. And of course they have to shoehorn this in

right. They need somewhere to put their daughter so that she won't be fucking up the next scene. So they suggest that they take her to see Miss Edna, who will watch the daughter. Oh, who's Miss Edna? Just a random black woman. Do we know her? Have we ever met her before? No, we haven't. But I'm gonna leave my daughter there.

Yeah, that's... Is she magical? Because I really want to ex-off this square. I have no fear. But they've done no investigation. they don't know who this woman is i gotta tell you as someone reports on kids getting molested at churches every week if this is their policy you're kind of asking for it people you can't just leave your kids anywhere okay

but according to this movie as long as they're black and magical you're okay um... exactly and i just want to point out that there i don't think that we've ever met a woman a black woman in uh... a christian movie that was over thirty five and didn't have a miss in front of her name and a dead husband yet or i don't think we've ever met a black woman in any of the movies we watched who hasn't met our protagonist through a screen door that's a weird one but yeah that she's been like waiting there standing next to it for hours because she's right there

when the day is guaranteed. Exactly, that second actors are panicking for 10 seconds. They're immediately fixed. Cut it. Yeah, every black woman we've ever watched gets greeted with, hello, anybody home? And then she pops up what's up motherfucker is me I gotta say though she's a super hot older woman miss miss Anna she's like a like a like a black Mary Tyler Moore very good look in my who I get I get it yeah I like the big glasses had a librarian thing going was that worked for that. Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan. Also, we learned that the congregation has dropped by half because Judd Plumpkin is a dick. Right. And the pastor immediately is like, maybe any to fuck him up in the ring and the wife is like, honey, right? Remember not fighting anymore? He's like, right, sorry, sorry.

And I really wanted a montage of him doing wrestling things when he was supposed to be a pastor. honey right member not fighting anymore he's like right sorry sorry i really wanted a montage of him doing wrestling things when he was supposed to be a pastor like that's done's been skipping school just don't know i don't know what to do since my husband died have you tried one of a leg lock honey stacomedy montage all right this movie deserves a sequel now

uh... so now we can see the linear money now we get the uh... the scene where they're like going door to door to to to talk people into coming into their church and it's you know one door slam after another and i just want to point out that it's bizarre to me that in these movies we've seen this a dozen times now like the city scene of everybody going door to door Get the door slam down and the message here is not like

Hmm if that many people slam the door on you you must be a douche bag. It's put you better try harder Right, and it also people don't slam the door in pastors faces all the time if a pastor came and introduced himself I wouldn't slam the door I'd be like yeah nice to meet you and you be like wouldn't slam the door. I'd be like, yeah, nice to meet you. And he'd be like, you should come to services. And I'd be like, no, no, no. Can you say that into the door, Mike? For me, come inside. We're going to require that. Say it into a mic.

So I want to point out, at one point, a guy just closes the door because he hates white people apparently, because they just walk up and he's like, hi. And he's just like, nope. Apparently, Michigan has a giant community of atheists that I haven't heard about. Yeah, right. It seemed like a pretty groovy place to live. And yeah, so and then of course, he's got still overcome in the, the broken leg or whatever.

So now the walking is getting too hard. He wants to go home, but his wife pushes him on because fuck medical necessity. Yeah, her answer is have we tried our best? And he's like am I a grown up and she's like One more but I want don't go ruse in the car Count to three one two two Boy, he just stomps up to the door no one's even there doorbell uh... and that's pretty much right

well pretty much yeah except for one of the other pop careful cuts my mouth but of course this time to save the day the wife chimes in and starts talking because it's uh... it's a woman about her age that answers the door uh... but we also learn here that she has an abusive husband. Right. And we learn she's being abused because she has cartoon lip prints on her arm. But yeah, but that's what she's like. She's like, you know what, I shouldn't invite you guys in. My husband's going to be home soon. And you shouldn't be here when he gets

there. And when you know it, abusive husband shows up right then. Abusive husband looks like he's about to warn us about if Trump doesn't win, there'll be taco trucks on every corner. Like that guy in 40 years. Yeah. And the pastor, Chris starts having flashback. This guy is bam, bam, big low, right? This abusive husband is bam, bam, big low. And Chris is having like flashbacks.

He almost suplexes Ray, but he gets kind of pulled out of there. Yeah. But what's so crazy is that among the many times in this movie, when it's like, okay, yeah, violence is necessary right now, an abused woman being hurted back into her house by her screaming drunk husband, and they're like, should we call child protective services or make sure that she's safe for anything? And the wife's like, no, no, let's mind our own business.

Come on, You can go fight Judge Lumpkin later on, right? But this guy is also every abusive husband stereotype you can imagine, right? They're in Michigan and he has a fucking Alabama accent. Well, you know, his father, actually, you know why he hits his wife is because his father actually was super abusive to his younger brother who died, faced down in the snow when they used to live in Utah. Oh he never really got over that. Comes from a long line of abusive stepfathers. All the same universe. So yeah, so the wife won't let Chris beat up Ray. So instead we cut to the his like his first

effort at passing and We're gonna start off with their choir and okay, so the gag here is boy this choir sure bad But it's so very clearly people who can sing that but can't fake singing off key like pick eight random people and they're going to sing Significantly better than this group of people are singing Yeah, and it's supposed to be like a, you can tell it's supposed to be like a churchy joke. Cause like, oh my, our choir is not very good either. But it's like, if you're choir actually couldn't form notes, you'd just stop having a choir until they learn to sing. You wouldn't just bring an old woman up there to be like, blah, blah, blah, sorry. We don't have anyone who can play the

organ. You done Mrs. Beasley? I made a poop warms. All right. I guess organ is done now. This is also where lumpkin is like heckling. See the church, which explains why the congregation dropped by a half because he's fucking treating it like Friday at the Apollo like he's like Fuck you Oh, it's crazy cats. Oh, yeah, yeah pretty funny. They do something. They do something. This is a funny movie. Judd is a funny care I beg to differ and then of course we have to get yet another scene of somebody being bad at being a pastor Oh, and it's to get yet another scene of somebody being bad at being a pastor. Ugh. And it's, the job is so stupidly easy to do that the effort that they have to go through to make him bad at it is even worse than the bad singing.

Yeah, he literally just has to say this because you can't do bad preaching because all preaching's bad preaching. Some of it's better, but all preaching's bad preaching. So what they had him, what they scripted out and had him say in front of motion picture cameras was faith faith faith faith faith and there was a problem here and there yeah right your church wouldn't drop off someone would come up and make sure you weren't rich or docking sing something if you were only able to say the same word over and over again they wouldn't like lower church attendance for encourage you yeah yeah no and of course my note here is

just I'm sorry does some stupid sound better than other stupid this is what it sounds like to me right like faith faith faith that's what I hear when they talk yeah I wanted him to break into like wrestler talk because this is a former wrestler so they just be like Sunday WrestleMania faith faith faith Sunday yeah it would have been fun how have been awesome you want to be saved do you want to be great brother and sister it's not hard it's not hard I just preached yeah yeah yeah I just preached and he's spoken words before we've seen him do it I didn't even have to lie about being in the army reserves see how easy it is to be a preacher He lied about lots of things

He's the only black guy they could find So and then of course everybody's leaving but nobody will even shake his hand because his passing was so bad that they just walk out and bear us to have been there. Except Miss Edna who still believes in him so she shows up to give him a book or something. And she says, I want you to have this and I wrote in my notes, it's a picture of my sharecrop of father. Nope different movies. Sorry. Also Tim, the the the church treasure or whatever, and to close this scene off, he turns to where he goes, can I take you outside Miss Edna? Like what a weird question to ask a human. Why would you ask a human that? Do you need to go? Do you need to go? So many need to go potty? Do you need to go do you need to go something need to go potty? Do you need to go outside? Okay, do you do want to go out?

He's standing by the door with Miss Edna I got to put on your leash miss Edna gets You got a shaker bag of food to get her to come. Oh, crazy billion dollar money. We remake this movie, but Miss Edna is just a cat. Miss Edna is just played by a cat. How do they miss that? And now it's time for some classic Christian movie sports. Now it's not quite as bad as like when they try to do

the wrestling and stuff but it's not good either. They did have an actual person who's played basketball doing an actual layup correctly. I mean, it's a black guy so it doesn't really count. I'm not even gonna focus for that. Detective black guy. Detective you. Yeah, very attractive black man doing a layup.

It's a success, yeah. But he doesn't do a flip at white people's command, so I don't really know how to feel about it. Is he a bad guy? And he do a flip? Can't he? Yeah, they should have tested that. And this is such a weird scenario they've set up.

Like the local church versus the local police force. Yeah. Like how did they think that was going to go? You have these like young 20 something super fit black guys and miss Edna and miss Beasley being like come on bitch let's do this to do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do Chess pass like the white Glow Towers right so rough great skit Yeah, right and if the whole point of this scene of course is we have to reinforce what an asshole the philanthropist in the movie is So Judd lumpkin is just yelling at every I can't believe I'm just saying that name Judd how what the fuck did you think of before you settled on Judd god damn lumpkin anyway? Sounds like a shit funny. Bad asshole.

Let's call him fart face. He's like a nine year old coming up with a screen name. Fart, fart eater, twentoo. Can we name him fart eater? You said I should name one of the characters. No, you can't name him fart eater. What about Judd lumpkin? Fine, fine, fine.

Just shut up. I hate the weekends I get you from your mom. How? How? Fine fine fine. Shut up. I hate the weekends. I get you from your mom. So yeah, so now Judd is just pissing everybody off including the referee who decides to not only throw him off the court, but also ban their team from ever meeting together on a basketball court again or something. I think he actually makes Christianity illegal. That's next week. So yeah, so and then of course I guess Chris our hero decides that the way to handle this situation is to Assault Judd lumpkin in front of hundreds of witnesses. Okay. Well to be fair He tries to pull his elbow and Judd like makes a like I'm mad at you gesture

So he puts him in a sleeper hole Right and we haven't mentioned by the way that this exhibition basketball game between the church and the police has drawn a crowd of Thousands and the police are doing nothing. There's a man being choked out and they're like, he's the worst for a really long time. Yeah, really, really, really dangerously long time. Like, he also, he keeps saying like the more you struggle against it, the worse it'll get.

That's not how chokeholds work. They are very dangerous. And if anybody should know that it's the police, but they don't. So it's OK. worse it'll get that's not how chokeholds work they are very dangerous if and if anybody should know that it's it's the police but they don't so it's okay uh... is so but but but what happens though is that everyone in this town is just happy that someone finally kicked jud zaz and they all cheer

yeah the man assaulting the other man yeah exactly those some like nine-year- kids. As it's about time you got what you had coming to you, Judd and everybody in the crowds like grab your pitch for its people. Let's go. Good old fashioned lynching. They just tear Judd Lumpkin apart like the end of the lottery.

The movie continues without ever acknowledging it. But then the cop comes over. So it's all been cleared up, right? Judd Lumpkin walks away in a half. He's not going to support the church anymore because everyone just watched him get strangled on the ground, which I got to say, not

an extreme reaction. Like if someone shook me to sleep and no one helped, I also would no longer want to help that community organization. But the cop comes over who insists on being called the detective and he's like, weird that you guys are a church, aren't you supposed to like not choke each other to sleep in front of a whole community and the police, especially. And the pastor's

like, well, shenanenanigans and then the fucking scenes over also so it for some reason there was some tell somewhere or whatever so miss it we see miss edna going home and looking through all our old wrestling magazines and figuring out that he's the masked saint yeah now they don't explain how she feels. She just intuits that with her magic black lady powers, I guess. Yeah. Because it turns out that she and her husband who is now dead loved wrestling.

Yes. The magical old black lady in this movie was also a huge wrestling fan, apparently. Yeah. If you're a huge wrestling fan you would know the mass saint right we're supposed to believe that the mass saint was the world wrestling champion or the whatever the equivalent is because it's it's supposed to be the wwf it's not supposed to be like a shitty side version of wrestling so you that would be like not knowing who the rock Dwayne Johnson is until he puts someone in a sleeper hold and then you're like, hmm, this mocha flavor, gentlemen, seems familiar.

It makes no sense. But anyways, we get some money troubles because it's a Christian movie. Christian movie, big go. Yeah. We're out of money. No, we're not out of money and prayer. Yeah. Spoiler, they are out of money and that only gets solved when they do a real thing. Yeah, the prayer does not help them much. Yeah, and so now we get okay, so but of course Judd had also given them like the house that the

Yeah, an investment property that he gave to the preacher we learned that when he was being a dick by offering concert tickets and inviting him to play basketball. Also that he was going to give him a house free of charge, that asshole. So, but now he only did it for the taxes. Oh, I see. You know how you give people free houses for taxes? You know what a ludicrous business model that can be? Yeah, yeah, no, it worked out well. But it also gave him leverage over the pastor, I guess. So now that that the pastor choked him out the guy who gave you a free fucking house He has to move to a new house

Which just so happens to be next to abuse husband and abuse wife What are the chances? I thought it was gonna turn into a sitcom like just like her with a black eye and the other wife like standing back to back. That's how I got it. Also, there's this weird scene where because they've moved to a new smaller house, the child has to give away a TV-sized box of bears. Yeah, they didn't have room for such a dick move.

You can't fit one box of like stuff bears into this fairly large new house. Like, drop a couch move you get yeah, you can't fit fit one box of like stuff bears into this fairly large new hat like get drop a couch You know like how are you gonna tell this little kid like I'll just hold these in the middle of the room I'll just hold I'll carry them around and I'll put them down I feel like they're bears and they can go pretty much anywhere Don't be a dick about this. We're giving away all your toys except for one Look at all this space I'm marking out above my bed. That's always empties. I'm just gonna put him here. Is that? And that's god damn it. No. I'm apparently not. And so we also get in this moving in scene.

We get dad going through his old stuff and he finds his old wrestling mask and it's like, you remember the the beginning of the movie 22 minutes ago, that was awesome. Bring out the Gimp. And of course, Justice East finding his wrestling mask. Miss Edna shows up with cookies because she's old slash black. Yeah, Miss Edna's here for some wrestling tips. In case she decides to sell Lucy's or something. Oh, God. And someone just got it.

Someone was driving in their car and they were like, what do the, oh, no, man I just laughed at that in advance and I feel bad. Jump lumpin' one make that mistake either again. That's how you learn. That's how you learn. And also, a small thing, apparently magical black lady was married to Cookie Monster because her husband called them cookies. She does an impression. It's very strange. Yeah, yeah. No, but I was like amazing cookies.

The visual of her fucking cookie monster is turning me on way more than I thought it would. So I appreciate that. I've been there. I have some PDFs to send you. So you have to be good. You do. They're locked.

Also, this is where we get the beginning of a porn. Because the wife comes out and she goes, Miss Edna, I could smell your cookies from the back. And then Ms. Edna's like, can I borrow your husband? And I'm like, I'm into it! I started to loo my self up on a plane from Ireland. No! I heard your card catalog is broken. Yes.

I can't fly air-lingus anymore. By the way, it's connonelingus, not air lingus. You guys are assholes. You lie to me. Lie to me. That stewardess was mad at us. Yeah, so for whatever, like this is a normal thing, the old black woman they just met shows up and says,

I want to go on a date with your husband. And she's like, well, I guess that's okay So they we get the two of them driving to all the shitty Michigan-ness Which this is where we learn that miss add no kind of digs heavy metal Um, I feel like she's really heavily hinting here that she's into butt stuff. Oh, yeah crazy billionaire money They just do the crack smoking scene from training day like line for misedna, and the pastor go to the crack. Oh, it's so good. But instead, she takes him to a wrestling match. Yes. And wouldn't you know it? It's the Reaper fighting tonight, the man who broke his leg which you would probably know if she's into wrestling right even though

nick super best friend promised that man who assaulted and crippled him wouldn't wrestle anymore i mean okay so are we supposed to believe that nick doesn't recognize the the the financial burden that he places on himself if his actors actually break his other actors or anything anything about this movie that right well he was retiring so it's okay to kill him right for the horse I thought I would I would thought the reaper was just saving me some trouble you take him out in the

back with one of those knockdown guns and just in the back of the head so and I love to well we're watching the first of the head. So and I love to watch in the first match, the pre-reper match. He says, you know, she's like, oh, look at how the audience is really getting into this, like they don't during your preaching or whatever. And he's like, oh, they just love the violence. She goes, and this is the most amazing line. She says, what wrestling audiences really want is someone they can have faith in. I'm like, no, wrestling fans want a homoerotic release that still seems manly.

Yeah, I've been to wrestling matches and what people at wrestling matches want is a dentist. They do not want someone to have faith in, okay? When the beer line's longer than the line for the bathroom, don't talk to me about people wanting something to have faith in, okay? They were giving away promotional wife beaters. Don't tell me about you. Have faith in something. And that's a stick. That's a kind of stick by the way to wrestling people. And so this, but this is all a setup for the ice man who is gonna take on the Reaper, I guess. That's the big

headline match here. And this is where we get the, you know, Neil reference. He announces the ice man as the ice man cometh as he comes into the ring and he does the blow, the chili kiss thing at the ground and they all hate him, which is great. And does face you just do the monologue from the ice man coming like the last monologue like that's his That's his heel speech Does the final scene imperfect theatrical silence like just gets hit with a down spot? You don't know what it's like to disappoint someone every day. Just see that disappointment on someone's face and now the reaper i honestly i honestly think they edited that out of the film if we had it on DVD

we could probably see that scene patreon.com forward slash the iceman comments starring Eli Bosnick and Heathenring it's a two-man production, very simple. It's gonna go over a lot better than our nutcracker performance. I can't imagine how. And so, of course, because this is the reaper, I guess the reaper's signature move is to actually break the legs of the people he defeats, I guess, because now, after he defeats the ice man, he gets on top of him to break his leg

just like he did with the saint, but the saint who carries his wrestling mask with him, I can't forget he goes. Yep. Has somehow left changed into his old wrestling outfit and now sweeps in and saves the day and they defeat the reaper in a tag team bout. Yeah, yeah, an unannounced tag. What the fuck is going on with this movie? He went 12 just driven his car into the ring. So and of course now he runs into his promoter outside that wants him back into the wrestling ring And offers him 20,000 dollars if he'll

Fight the Reaper, but he's like I don't wrestle anymore. He's like you just wrestled We are moments after you just wrestling for free. Why would you give you 20,000 dollars to do that again? Do you understand I'm the bad guy offering you gainful employment, and this all makes sense. I gave up that life. That's not a game of that. To do something unproductive and stupid. I just wanted to assault that guy,

who was assaulting the gay guy. I don't know how this movie works. We didn't think this was. Violence is good. By the way, for the people who are listening, they're like, oh man, you really should sum up this movie works. We didn't think this was- No. Violence is good. And by the way, for the people who are listening that are like, oh man, you really should sum up this movie's plot. This is this movie, yeah.

It's got nothing- It's everywhere. We don't know what university inhabits, so we don't know how to describe it to this. When someone drops something, we don't know which direction it's gonna fall in this movie, yeah. It's just like a random person running

onto the field of a baseball movie and acting but you can't just break and shoot and make someone shooting a guy about to score a touchdown maybe that is how the last boys got happened that's it and entirely possible you get it so now okay so now he's leaving and he stops to throw away his mask right because he doesn't want to get back into wrestling ever and it's not like they can make another mask. So, but when he goes into this creepy alleyway to throw away his mask, it turns out that there is a prostitute being abused by her pim in that very same alley. Yes, a white clean model with perfect hair, but a slightly shorter dress, which we all know for movies means hooker, street hooker, on the streets of Michigan. She's a street hooker on the streets of small town Michigan, but she's being abused by her pimp who Christian movie bingo is named But she's being abused by her Pimp who Christian movie bingo is named

Jojo jojo Yeah, and she's praying and Jojo hates Not a big man. He is literally mad at her for praying. Yeah, yeah, he walks up and then that's that's how we introduce this this character is the very first thing He says is are you praying you need to stop that shit. And that just so happens to be when preacher man happens to be in the alley. Yeah, and I gotta say though, JoJo is a moderate improvement from the norm. It's not any letter name. It's not the, those are like syllables that could make up a name

and sort of, it's true. Better than average. It gets four syllables. He's not an acronym. Yeah, right. That are pronounced and everything. Also, I wrote in here like like the music is getting progressively worse Eventually, I'll be raped with a flute

Also crazy moment when he comes up so he puts on the mask to go stop him and he church and he goes who are you? Macho Libre and it's like wait, does this movie want to acknowledge that there was a comedy with this concept? Like, if I tried to do a serious version of the Clumps, I wouldn't have someone reference the Clumps in that movie. Right. Look about a really serious family draw about a morbidly obese family, one of whom is turning into Eddie Murphy. Like, if I tried to make a really serious movie, I wouldn't have someone be like,

what is this? The Clumps is an earlier movie that was a comedy because this concept is ridiculous. Yes. So this is the way we first learn for certain anyway that in this universe, being a wrestler actor, a wrestler, an actor, not like an Olympic wrestler, not a real one. Yeah, means that you know how to street fight against the Pimp with a lead putt.

It's like, this is like Tom Cruise winning a dog fight against a real Russian fighter. I got this. I got this. But as as we learn real fighting in this universe Looks like Because this is where he naps he punches Jojo and you see him very clearly footnap Because he's used to being on a wrestling stage where it's art It's the bouncy stuff and he goes bloom and everyone's like oh man He just hit him but he's on the, and JoJo reacts like a wrestler. Because everyone who's in this movie is obviously a Christian wrestler,

and they were just like, how does fighting look? Well, I mean, it looks like this. Uhhh! Uhhh! Yeah, that was goddamn hilarious. Just like, clapped right next to my face. That really hurt my ear a little bit. Like, ah, like, you didn't hit hit me but, you know, come on.

That was loud. So, yeah, so he wrestles him unconscious, I guess, and then he turns to the hooker and she's like, I was praying to God to help me and you showed up. So I just want to point out that according to this movie of a hooker praise and a mask of vigilante doesn't show up the saver there is no God. I agree with this movie of a hooker praise and a mask of vigilante doesn't show up the savor there is no god i agree with this movie ha ha ha

i think that's a fair way to gauge the number of gods also she says you're a saint and he goes no miss i'm just a man tagline tagline they had nothing but that he gets back in his van and he's like super happy that he's just violenceed. He's the happiest we see this character. Yeah. But while he was kicking ass, he missed three calls from his wife. So as it turns out, when he gets home, the cops are outside his wife fell and is now at the hospital. And we learned this because abuse wife is telling the cops that well abuse husband yells at her to get

inside and not help with this police investigation. It's a great moment where she yells back at Ray the abuse husband she goes get back inside and smoke your cigarettes and drink your beer and Ray like he gets like Jason born by this he like looks at her and his face changes and he thinks about it for a second and he's like, oh, that's a good idea. That's a good idea. I can't just say 100 beer again. Yeah, I'm going to go inside. It just like slowly walks inside. So yeah, so dad gets home and then they tell her, you know, they tell him, oh, she's at the hospital. She had her head and fell. So he runs to the

hospital. For the most bizarre, my wife is at the hospital scene that I've ever fucking encountered This is my favorite thing in the world. Oh, this seems like something Eli would do And if that's what they were going for if that would make fucking sense if she had been like Prank warring from the beginning of this movie that would make sense But it doesn't so he comes in and he's like what's wrong? She's like well the cut doctors did a full work up. There's no tumor. Yeah, I fell so they checked me for all the cancers Yeah, which I don't have but Big surprise coming and then she turns to her daughter and goes do you want to tell him and I wanted so badly for her to be like

We have a goes, do you want to tell him? And I wanted so badly for her to be like, we have AIDS. We are riddled with don't look away. We don't feel like we're AIDS. Not HIV. Follownies. Follownies. But I'm taking some of my bears back But no one's dead. Yeah, they find out this and again this will never matter to the movie There is no she she won't have the baby during the movie she won't be visibly pregnant There's no reason for this ever just to recap. I don't have a tumor. I have a fetus That's how it announces to her husband that she's pregnant. Yeah, yeah. Teehee, daddy thought you were going to die of brain cancer.

You should have seen the look on his face. And of course, Welles at the hospital, he runs into commission or Gordon. And they have the most, this is their conversation, basically. So, looks like we have a masked vigilante in town. I'm not Batman, I'm opening a weird, weird that you would throw that right out there. It's not me, okay, again, not a suspect at any point. It's me, right, getting that feel. And then the couple also says like, he's like, he took out our number one hustler. I'm like, is there a board for that too?

Oh, they've got a board for everything. If you had a hustler board, you just start arresting them at the top and work your way down. Yeah, well, now the number two ranked atheist hustler bumps up to the top. They say it's a tricky town. Kevin Sorbo's wife is writing that one. I see a little call forward for you there. Oh, and I want to point out, we learned that Jojo got knocked out by the saint, but he doesn't remember who he was because he was wearing a mask, but the saint again is a former world wrestling champion. This would be like if you were mugging someone in an alley, Hulk Hogan came over and kicked the shit out of you, and then when the cops woke you up you were like I don't know he was wearing a bandana he's the most famous wrestler in the world you don't need to watch wrestling to be like I'm pretty sure it's the most famous wrestler in the world

pretty sure that's who kicked my ass do we know who he is yes we do because they're all actors let me Google it that's who that is all check it out you wasn't tearing a shirt off at the time i didn't get it ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha gave him comes back we learned that this was her journal that white honor used fucking tampons and i i i just i it's it's pivotal to the movie apparently so we have to bring it up but the first thing that struck me and i'm sure everyone watching this film the hand writing in this

quote unquote handwritten journal would leave you believe that miss edna is a god damn robot. She's a dot matrix printer. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know, miss Edna's last name is laser jets. Oh, I see. I'm sure the HP laser jets. Yeah. They've been in Michigan for many years. Yeah. Also, Carly, feel you're in a killed her daughter. Oh god. It's been a while. Feels good. She also calls her book, Mastering the Gift, which is my new nickname for female masturbation. Nice.

Female listeners, please start calling it that. Just every time I know, I was mastering the gift the other night and just so that people start urban dictionarying it, that's all I want. Absolutely. Now I also want to think my birthday is almost here I also want to say okay so the gift that this woman gave him is a journal of her thoughts and like this is the most boring thing you could possibly give a human being yeah this would be like if for heaths birthday I had gotten him the

note I keep on my phone of all the things I think up when I'm high Welcome, they don't make triple stuffed Oreos why they always in even numbers Happy birthday. Well, you get the single stuff and then the double stuff and you combine it You take one piece off the one I've seen already your one example is more interesting than anything you're gonna find in this woman's book and the most delicious that by far and meanwhile back at the church the the choruses still trying really hard to be bad and I guess succeeding it's a quarter of seven people and we're clearly hearing like fifty people yelling and grunting that's right and some of them are some them are just like, I want to go back to And we should point out we haven't gotten to talk about it yet, but so much of this fucking movie is about money

And how proud they are of their pastor begging everybody for money, and making everybody in the church give them money. The major thing this pastor does is take one guy who is giving them some money and make everybody give them lots of money. That is the story of what this pastor does at this church. Yeah, because I mean, this is supposed to be the time where like, sir, it starts to like fight, get his legs under him as a preacher or whatever. So like the first good sermon we see him give good of course isn't scare quotes but he starts his sermon with like we can sure use your money but you know what why not just you do your job for us for free. Yeah it's like yeah maybe like slavery

kind of but good. I love this part. He's like any bankers raise your hand got it okay construction workers good plumbers cool daycare people and raise it and then right after this the hooker walks in and i just want it so bad for like any sex workers and i have a perfect see we can all pitch in did not yet so the the hooker walks up but air comes into church wearing a hooker close the only close that she has her is her her hooker clothes i guess um so nobody wants to sit next

to her because she's so obviously a hooker yeah does she still have come coming out of her like everyone runs away like she's a leper right right yeah as though a hot woman in a short skirt sitting down in a church would make anyone want to go away from that person This is the only way church can turn good as when a prostitute says next to you. Yeah, exactly So instead he uses her as an example He to like stands her up and he's like, oh, okay, you all think this woman's a whore a dirty gross Okay, you all think this woman's a whore, a dirty, gross, disgusting, disease-infested whore? Is that what you all think?

She's like, hmm, this is not the church experience I'm gonna see. But I come in and take a moment to think, maybe reflect on my spiritual life, but this is fun. This is a new way. Yeah, I mean, yeah, right. I'm feeling nervous because everyone's looking at me, So, to stand up and make everybody look at her. And while he's doing that, he's like, ah, seems like these assholes out here are judging you.

What a bunch of judgemental assholes. Right. Let me do the cast the first stone thing like Jesus did with Mary Magdalene. Right. Yeah, he actually makes a line on the ground with his toe. Anyone cross this line that I'm drawing if you've never sinned. And then moments later, everyone crosses the line.

He just made that to happen. They all come up to greeter. Guys, remember my line? Remember, remember earlier, there's also this great moment where the mom and the daughter get up first. They're the first ones to be like, Oh, welcome to the church. And I wrote in my notes, okay, don't give your daughter hapsi just to make a point In an antiseptic wipe and she's already got eight parts hard enough. Yes

Do you want to tell him They actually just have that little girl deliver all the medical news at the Just walks in we couldn't find a heart for your transplant. You want one of my old bears? This isn't the worst thing I've had to do this week. Then after the sermon, she tells the like the hooker comes in to have a meeting with the pastor where she just decides to tell him about the wrestler that saved her like a superhero. to tell him about the wrestler that saved her like a superhero and he accidentally slips up and gives away his secret identity I guess. And that never plays out.

That never matters to the movie. Nope. No. Because she says like, oh, I have some friends who could use your help. And like you think there's going to be a montage of him like beating up pimps and helping street huckers but no, nope, just, just, he's just like, right? He's like, yeah, okay. But how many are there? And she's like, well, just the one it's JoJo. So I guess just beat him up again. He's beating him up. And I've got plenty of sex workers for the daycare. I'll pay back. We'll get to that too oh my god

but then so like the wife they're trying to figure out how they're going to pay the bills and the wife hands him like a book and when she opens it up his wrestling mask is in it right she wants to fight again and i just wrote that is the least fun reason a wife ever gave her husband a mask and i wanted to so badly be like wrong page he turns it over gimp mask on the next page. That's the one. Here's the ball. Here's the ball. Here's the ball. Here's the ball. Here's the ball.

Here's the ball. Here's the ball. Here's the ball. Here's the ball. Here's the ball. Here's the ball. Here's the ball. Here's the ball.

Here's the ball. Here's the ball. Here's the ball. Here's the ball. Here's the ball. Here's the ball. Here's the ball. Here's the ball. Here's the ball. Here's the ball. Here's the ball. Here's the ball. Here time? Is that one time? Whatever. One time is one time too many. So I think we all had a fun time by the end. Whatever. Look, we're not trying to hold

20 minutes of action against teeth. We have to talk to Andrew again and have a little meeting about whatever. So but instead of all the good Gimp Mask possibilities, instead she's basically saying, you know, let's face it on a year of shitty pastor, but you can roll around with other men in your underwear like a champ. So I think we should go back to that. Justo says, you couldn't embarrass me if you tried. Yeah. I wrote my notes.

I could embarrass you if I tried. I wrote top of the list of shit. Anna Bosnick will never say to her husband. Basically this same note. But so yeah, now he's gonna wrestle again. Hooray. So I guess since this movie has fully diffused all the conflict it created in the first two acts, there's no real need for a third one, but they did one anyway. So let me see if I can give it the hard sell here. Will we turn around the congregation? Will the saint wrestle the Reaper for the title?

Will he win that fight? A fucking course, he will. I would why the hell do we even need the rest of this movie? Find out the answer to that question unless, when we return for the inevitable conclusion of, the MAST Saint. Pfft! And on that note, as your pastor, I have a little confession to make to the entire congregation.

Oh fuck, not again. Jesus was it my kid? It was my kid last time. This is bullshit. Okay people, people, preacher molested some kids. Let's go. Back door, you know the drill. Who needs scripts? Does anybody not have a script? I need a script. No, no, no, no, I didn't fuck a kid. I'm a professional wrestler and I've been fighting crime on the side as a vigilante. That's what I was going to say. And fucked my kid. He's also a wrestler for some reason. I don't

know what that. Oh, no, no, just just the wrestling stuff. I'm just that. Oh, huh. Oh, thank God. Oh, false alarm. We you guys aren't mad All right, you kiddin me. We're we're just relieved. I can tell you man. My kids been molested like Four maybe five times at this point. Yeah. Yeah, you're totally fine. Do your archery thing or whatever it is you Wrestling right? Yeah cool yeah cool great yeah good sermon pastor see you next Sunday okay wow I'm glad glad you guys took this so well so why do why do people keep molesting your kid though no idea just a sexy kid I guess yeah we're back for a second helping here because apparently we're not allowed to tag in the guys from Cogdess.

We left our hero. He was going to start wrestling again. So we get an opening third act montage. It's one of those good old fashioned preaching slash wrestling montages. And it is epic. So in this universe, wrestling is real. So he's just kicking the shit out of all those people for Jesus, right? I guess, yes.

In this universe. And they're talking to each other about it, about like taking it easy, but that doesn't make any sense because wrestling's real. In this movie, I guess, yeah, I guess they were all over the map on whether wrestling was real or not within this film. There should have been a pimped themed wrestler.

He should have just been a wrestler instead of a pimped and a actor wrestler. Oh, it's super committed. Yeah, I get it. Also, this is where the reaper is watching him wrestle and says, I've seen more meat and cheese sandwich with Eli Bosnick story. Yeah. We all had a note on that. He also fights a bear at what?

Yes. Yeah, he fights a man in a bear head. Who makes like authentic bear noises, which was very shocking. I want to see that guy's backstory. Like he's a rabbi, he's a local rabbi, and he's like, you know, I'll be the big guy. Yeah, I know the big guy.

I'll be quite a bit involved. And, yeah. So, and at the same time, of course, as he's winning his wrestling matches, we also see him getting better and better at passing. He says multiple words over and over again. And of course, we also have to see that the, the Pimp Jojo in this montage is completely horless.

All of the horrors have now gone to be teachers at the Sunday school. Again, your children deserve to be raped people. I mean, you, they know, you deserve to have your children raped. They're innocent victims. You are making this. Is that really, I mean, could that, and you know that it fucking could, right? Because a church daycare has zero legal restrictions on it essentially. So you know they could just round up all the street hores and that's what they did in their own movie. They're proud of it. Unfuckin' believable.

Went with the street huckers. I'm just glad that they didn't have a big heroin problem in the city otherwise it would have been like, yeah, this is Dr. Scoops. Oh, he's gonna be watching me today. All right, kids, he's gotta fall asleep between your own knees. I love you.

I also love the super subtle way they have of introducing the fact that that Chris, the main character is now suffering from the sin of pride, which is just him standing up at his podium or whatever going, I'm very proud of myself. So then the montages over, We get him sitting in his office or whatever, you know, whatever it is that pastors do in their office other than beating off. And he hears some singing coming from the other room and it's so melodious or whatever that he has to go and check it out. And it turns out that it's abuse wife from earlier. Right. And she's such a good singer that apparently that's going to make the entire choir good at singing in a week immediately yeah well he offers it he says wow you're amazing will you be our new choir director and Miss Beasley's like I thought I

was the choir director and I wrote my notes shut up Miss Beasley you blew it okay you blew your shot miss Beasley next we're gonna see Miss Beasley's legs just swinging back and forth in the background of the neck scene It does seem like a dick move miss Beasley standing right there like at least you can take her to the sides I you know kind of let miss Beasley think she's in church, but no he's like fuck miss Beasley. She's out There's just a rafter in the church with Beasley was here carved in it So now we get Chris hanging out with Miss Edna again, the Magic Black lady from earlier. And I just love this moment, right? Like he's talking about how great the church

is doing now that he's wrestling to bring in all the money. And he says to her, he's like, and now Judd stays in the back where he belongs to which the black woman says, yeah, kind of heard those words before. And I totally agree. I'm just like, yeah, that's a bad choice of words. He might have said like Rosa Parks. Yeah. Too much pride. Too much white lives matter pride. Yeah, exactly. But here's the thing. Like, I don't think the movie did a great job of conveying his pride because he's just proud of the fact that he's bringing in money and doing a good job as a pastor.

Like, we don't see him doing it, but then in this scene, he turns instantaneously like he took a magic potion because she's like, wow, it's weird that you would use that term to a black person and not understand that. And then his daughter comes in and she's like, can I have an ice cream and he's like, I will fuck you. And she's like, and it's just weird. It's just weird. It's just a weird turn for this character to take

because we need that Christian movie bingo card of a busy dad is a bad dad. Yes, exactly. I think he's on the juice here. It's because, and the next thing that happens is he walks outside and he hears Ray yelling at the singer lady, why haven't, he goes, he just screams at Ray. He lady wife and he just screams at Ray He walks over he's like Ray come here come out here like Bill Cosby like here

Here here and again Ray gets like Jason Bourne He just walks out like all confused Takes a scolding His smack talk to Ray. He's like Ray your daughter. He's like it's supposed to be a fighting words Mom, but he's like your daughter and wife are finding connections to the divine Ray. All right, in the words of a quiet Is they found a higher style? Read this to you as Lewis journal. I will bring you and he pushes him. yeah, like he's as he's giving him this theological Fuckin discourse he pushes him and I'm like dude like like you should now be arrested probably you just came into that guy's fucking

Nightyard and physically abused him also let's remember Ray beats his wife So what he does is he yells at Ray embarrasses him and then leaves him in the house with the women who he is just directed his attention If only there were a way to show me that you were a real man. All right, bye So yeah, so now he's all Huffie's yelled at his neighbor and threatened violence and been me into his wife and To told the black lady that she does kind of smell different. And so now he's all upset with himself so he goes to his wrestling match but he just can't do it, right?

And my music note here again, the music is getting progressively worse as we go, is simply man these notes are harder to take with slit wrists. My music note was my dog believes in Jesus. My truck. I'm the canjo guy at the party. You're right. I think I'm thinking, sit on my lap. Ding ding ding. So instead of going to his wrestling match,

he decides to go to this diner that's clearly on the, and at first I thought they were setting up that the waitress was fucking somebody in the back, which I was kind of into, because she was pretty hot. I like the waitress quite a bit. Yeah, she was cute. And he orders, he has the weirdest order in the world. Oh, it's these the worst.

Yeah, fuck this guy. Can I have a burger? No bun can have gluten, no bun. Not because I have celiacs, I'm just the worst. No bun. Also some fish sauce on the side. Yeah, it is. And he doesn't know what he's trying to ask.

It's like white ketchup, but not at all. It's tartar sauce. It's tartar sauce. So sperm latte. The correct answer to this is get the fuck out of my restaurant. Yes. You're the worst. Yes.

Because the waitress has this weird metamomit where she's like, do you mean tartar sauce? And he's like, yeah, that's the fish sauce. And she's like, how old are you? And he's like, and a juice. Like, why leave that moment in where your preacher doesn't know the words for tartar? It doesn't add anything to the movie except that your preacher is insane. Yeah, I just make him that much dumber. Yeah, the Ectocooler or whatever. Crazy billionaire remake, we just add in a bunch of moments where he doesn't know the

words for very normal things. It's like, Pastor, will you hand me the, oh, the smashy, top-heavy metal and then middle is wood. You mean sitting on that butt- butt resting device over at the fuck? Yeah. Are you having a stroke, Chris? Yes, since 1997. You would notice.

My face has been slowly collapsing in on itself. I can't imagine. I think. Surprise you people haven't noticed. So, but what's really going on here now is the waitress is hinting that she's being robbed and the whole restaurant has been taken hostage and one of those diner hostage takings that happens in life based on a true story takes Chris forever to pick up on oh

yeah she's like I'm being robbed he's like tartar sauce please what are you saying to me I don't understand. I want a burger with no bun. You and me both, right? Oh, the prices. Anyways, burger, no bun. You turn on the TV, I want to watch the game. Yeah, I hear the really stealing the tournament this year.

Yeah, probably. I wanted a posting where he just eats his burger and then orders dessert Sends it back gets a different dessert Takes a long ponderous shit in the bathroom But it's even stupider though. Okay, so he figures out now given my this movie was made in 2016 We're not back into 1983. So this man has a goddamn cell phone. We've seen it. So he realizes that they're being robbed and that people are being take a held hostage in the back of this restaurant. His solution is not go outside, call the police.

It is go outside, put on his rastolin mask so that he can run around back and beat the guys up as they're leaving right everything is over The there was gonna be no violence here. It was just a couple hundred fucking dollars out of a diner till at one in the morning That was all that was at stake here. He puts his life on the fucking line to to wrestle two guys with guns and Well one of them fires at him. He runs back there one of them comes out very clearly He's like click click click in the guns empty or whatever, but then he manages to rattle the gun out of his hands It lands on the ground and fires that's cuz god held the bullet Jesus And then he's and then the bad guys are like who are you in each he goes the good guy

Punch he's I'm the good guy vigilante punch. Yeah, right. They're good guy. We'll fix that in post We'll figure out something really great for me Not Batman I'm not wearing hockey pants Wearing hockey pants. Oh I am. I'm also the world's most famous wrestler. Yeah, you might, and I'm wearing my costume.

So, like, that's the thing. Like, you could imagine, like, people not recognizing a masked wrestler except that he's wearing the mask. Anyway. The mask. Yeah. So, this movie, I wrote my notes at this point. This movie is for fucking idiots. And I think the level.

That's how lazy the writing had to be for the morons this movie was made for. They were just like, who am I? I'm a good guy and the audience was supposed to be like, okay, he's the good guy. Got it. I was pretty sure he was the good guy. Okay, I'm glad he cleared that up. Write that down. G, U, G U D.

Where's the taken notes? So, and then we get to see where like the waitress is with the the black detective guy from earlier. And she's like, he's trying to like figure out who this masked vigilante is. And all she remembers is his babbling black lady book. The she remembers he had a blue book with a white cross on it. Also, he wore the mask of the most popular dress wear in the world. Who now lives in your town as a pastor and you've met.

So like a scene later we get him taken as a daughter to the ice cream shop in the middle of winter. And the detective just happens to see him on the street and he happens to be carrying his old lady Babel book so that the detective figures out that he actually is the vigilante. Right. And then he manages to like trick him into showing up at the police station. Can't cops just tell you to show up at the police station? He can't question you right now that I'm talking to you directly? Well, he's trying to be cutesy about it, I guess, because he's like, oh, do you want a donut and the little girl's like, I'd love a donut and he's like, sure, I'll tell you what,

here's a fun way to do it. Why don't you and your dad get into the back of my car? Oh, my dad and his shiny bracelets I got for him. And then we'll do a police line-up, which you won't notice right behind you. Yeah, right. Yeah, he tricks him into a lineup too. Now I want to point out too that as this scene, like when they when he invites him to the police station is going on, we also get a scene where JoJo the Pimp is like looking on and we're supposed to realize that JoJo the Pimp has now figured out who he is. We are never given a reason why JoJo the Pimp would have known that. Well, JoJo the Pimp has now figured out who he is. We are never given a reason why JoJo the Pimp would have known that.

Well JoJo has a lot of time in his hands because there are no more prostitutes. Oh right. So he just trails main characters until he figures it out. He just crows shades now. Yeah. That's good.

That's healthy. So yeah, so he shows up at the police department and he thinks they're just getting a tour of it. But it turns out that the cop was tricking him So like so he shows up at the police department and he thinks they're just getting a tour of it but it turns out that the that the Cop was tricking him into taking part in a lineup and I'm like, yeah, that's that's legal. That's how that works I'm sure Andrew would back him up on that Just like oh, yeah, and would you stand here real quick? And yeah, just for fun Z's why don't you turn sideways?

Bigger all right Hey, I got an idea. You sign this confession and I'll sign this one. Oh, I'm the master of your journey. Look at your turn. We're only so much fun. But luckily for us, the waitress acts like I do every time I get stopped for speeding because I'm a white guy. And she's just like, fuck the police. Yeah.

Also, and I don't know what the point of this is, but they also like, the little girl wants her donut that the cop promised. And I guess he's eating all the donuts like a dick. I don't know, I didn't get that. You see, it was just a trap. So he's like, oh, sorry, no donuts. But next time, and he turns to the dad and he's like, oh, sorry, no donuts, but next time, and he turns to the dad and he's like, and there will be a next time. And I want it so badly for the little

girl to be like, it's fine. We can just get one on our way home. You're a strange, strange person. And of course, we have to go back to the where the cop tells him good locket. He's like, I don't believe in luck. I believe in real stuff like Carpenter's that wrestled pig demons with magic. Yeah, right. And this is where the detective reveals to us that he's an atheist detective, even though he wears a giant crucifix.

Oh, right. That was his brother's crucifix and his brother die. That's why he atheistic that little girl out of those donuts, yeah. Yeah. So, and so now they're heading home from the police station atheistic that little girl out of those donuts. So and so now they're heading home from the police station and they get a call from mom tell them to come straight to the church because the pimp done fuck their church up. The pimp seems to have he done he did some spray painting and he also spread out pieces of paper very evenly across the plot.

I love how family-friendly as graffiti was too. Go home. This is my kindly leave, please. Probably genuine graffiti from Canada. Oh, and you mentioned it. And it's so stupid because everyone in the movie reacts like the church has been burned to the ground. Not that the world is hanging through it.

Exactly. Like Daredevil has been through just hanging people from the rafters, but instead it's just like three pieces of paper and some paint to watch off. Yeah, it was the punisher who hung them by the way, but yeah. Um, so and and and then I guess he realizes, oh, it must have been the pimped that did this. So he has to give his wife the old, I'm secretly a superhero talk. She gets very upset and I just wrote my notes. I'm like, when Anna gets the, I get oiled up and wear a mask talk from her husband.

This is going to be a lot different. Yeah, the one in a much different way. That talk went like, I know I can see you. Don't sit on the couch. I did try to fight our neighbors for being hysterical. She was like, oh, no. Not in this neighborhood. Building the wall on their door.

He says Trump 2016. Here's your brother. Here's your brother assholes you're gonna pay for it so are you I'm the good guy you are very clearly not you seem like a Trump voter we're Italians same difference so now we also get this quit like this scene the vandalism scene

ends like the mom and the daughter hot leaving a hot for whatever and then miss They have to like the miss Beasley scene where she's like we're gonna find the little turns that did this and hang him upside down and slit their throat Something good right. I feel like the actress used the N words several times before they got this You get that feeling before they got this ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha that's that's lunch So and okay, so now we get Pastor Chris's May a culpa, right? And he where he has to come and tell the whole congregation that the reason that the graffiti is there and that they didn't sweep up all these little pieces of paper on the floor Is because he was too prideful now we alluded to this scene in the in the interstitials obviously But like it's so bizarre because

He buries the lead, right? He's like, I have a confession to make, and it's not like, I am a superhero that beat up a pimp and he came, he goes, I've been a wrestler the whole time. Like, is that the most pertinent information here? Yeah, and the church hates it. The church is like, you get out of our town here, guitar and feather him. I

can't believe that they they and they're just so mortified like this would be a normal thing like the first thing they wouldn't be is like wait, sorry, you're a wrestler. Right. Yeah, like in your free time and and you've been paying the church's bills by having a real job and that this is what you're apologizing for. I just want to be clear. That's okay. Well, right, because the crowd starts yelling like that's not enough. You lied to us.

I'm like, when, what do they think, what are they supposed to think happened right now? Well, there is a cutscene where everyone stood up and was like, wait, wait, wait, before you preach, you wrestler, he was like not at all. I would never wrestle. So and then of course the only person that will stand up for him is the hooker. And except but then Judd shows up. Remember the evil Philanthropist from earlier? Judd shows up to save the day. And I don't understand what I guess we're supposed to think that Judd learned to have faith because of the faith faith faith faith pastor things I also there's a crazy moment that I have to point out there's a woman she looks like a Mary K.

doll yeah it looks like a Mary K. monster she's just like a giant congealed blob of Mary K and within 30 seconds of herself being like you get out of our town. She goes he deserves second chance. If you watch the movies with us watch that moment. It's the craziest thing in the world. They obviously like ran out of actresses and they were like well we're already paying her to talk. So she says like that's not good enough. And then Judd says one line. He's like I don't know. And she's like give him another chance. Shut up you. No, you shut up. Bring it on. Fighting yourself in the background. Yeah, exactly, exactly arguing with a reflection in the fucking pool about whether they should steal Frodo's bread. And so, and then of

course, he leads him in prayer and and and he says the words in order and stuff now because he's good at it. And just as everybody's trying to figure out if they'll be okay, he brings on the choir, which now has their new choir leader who can kind of sing sort of good, which means that now everyone is perfectly in tune and all the tone deaf people are good choir singers. And now it's the Mormon tabernacle choir. Yeah, exactly, just the one. Yeah. And of course we cut to the African Grinch outside

who's not happy at all about all this singing. Fucking Joe Joe's outside going, what, they're still worshiping Jesus in that thing. Well, like, what, what is he mad at? Like, did he expect them to demolish the building that day? Like, run him out of town? What, what? Implodes?

Good. Now I can go back to my non-existent hook. I don't understand. Why didn't they make this into a plan parenthood yet? I'm angry about this. What? I better call my cousin who runs the ACLU. Just, that's next week.

So and then also we have to get at the end of this like the mom who is mad at him for being a superhero comes back and and they make up and I just bring it up because I like it when she calls him daddy. She does she calls him daddy at one point and I turned to Anna and did it like ahhhhhh ahhhhhh. It was like not come on now. Don't ruin this we're having a nice first night home watch. You move, you don't, we'll make this weird.

And then of course she, I want half your money. So then of course she reads his character bio to him to give him some motivation, I guess, or something. She's like, you've always been good at fighting bullies. You're the man that fights bullies. And as a former bully, I just want to say I find this movie very upsetting, okay? Where's the bullies side of this? I don't want to get into it.

I don't want to get into it. I don't want to get into it. I don't want to get into it. I don't want to get into it. I don't want to get into it. I don't want to get into it. I don't want to get into it. I don't want to get into it.

I don't want to get into it. I don't want to get into it. I don't want to get into it. I don't want to get into it. I don't want to get into it. I don't want to get into it. I don't want to get into it. I don't want to get into it. I don't want to get says. He's like I want to fight the Reaper for the title But I want it to be a fair fight. I'm like what would that even mean? You just want to punch at each other. That's like if they did you you got you got cast for a fucking World War 2 movie and said okay

But I want it to be a real war But I want to actually kill that And Rodney Piper is obviously confused by this. He's like, yeah, you're not very good at the difference between fake and real. We've been over this several times throughout your entire career. And during this movie, no, okay. Yeah, go fight him. Yeah. Well, but first he has to threaten Nikki with an audit because one of his congregation works for the IRS So he leverages that to illegally use the federal government to get a wrestling title, but yeah, no good guy extortion vigilante He's the good guy. Yeah, okay. Yeah, so now we cut it to outside. Okay

So we see that it's gonna be a cage match, which is nice She's that means the movie's almost fucking over every wrestling movie has to end with a cage match but first we've got to get this bizarre fucking scene with him in the locker room and random characters showing up one after the other. Yes. This is so goddamn weird. Okay so first of all we see the like the family like all the main characters are sitting together in a section like in a news boys concert and you know and You know we find out that Mindy the the abuse wife

She's there and now because she's the choir singer not only did she make all those people able to sing but her husband is Stop drinking and smoking cigarettes and abusing her right and they really did their best to try to make Ray look cleaned up But he's just a human version of butter that's been dropped on the floor and he just can't there's no signal you're not okay and so they've just tried to like smooth his hair down and shave his what's left of his face slash neck slash chest and then he's just like I'm good now. And it's like, yeah, man, you still look like you got trapped under a car covered in mayonnaise It's got a giant vat of Pepsi he's sipping out of the old times faces turning into Wilford Brimley's as we watch Not good my Bloomberg kiss my ass

So we then we go to the locker room where where the saint where Chris is getting ready Um, so we then we go to the locker room where where the saint where Chris is getting ready, um, but uh-oh Jojo the pimp has showed up to murder him. Yes. Well not really because he's like now We're gonna put things back the way they belong and I wanted a montage of like him at gunpoint escorting hookers back out onto the street Like what is what was Jojo's plan here like now you keep you undo all that I Need you to unbalance the economy of can you go? area those Hookers, I don't and then abuse us been shows up right like because he has said you know

I want to thank Chris for all that he's done for our family or whatever So he comes back into the locker room hoping to catch Chris naked or something and when he sees a black man holding a gun on him he clearly murders him. Murder's the man. Very clearly murders him with a dumbbell. Takes a 20 pound dumbbell and smashes him in the back of the head with it as hard as he can in the skull while still holding his Pepsi. It was like a sports center moment like foul ball no drops of beer lost but murder with a metal fan and air and you see he just goes down like a wet bag of rags but he raised holding onto

his Pepsi that's what I call my manslaughter right's that's what I call my man slaughter right there. That's what I call man See that drops about to fall whoop he got it and he murdered him whoop And and of course and then right after Joe Joe's been saying apparently the detective has been Staying in one of the lockers until this moment or whatever because he just shows about a nowhere And he goes he turns to a to Ray and he goes hey, you're that guy that abuses his wife all the time Aren't you he goes yeah, yeah, sorry about that the cop doesn't do anything at all And I'm like okay, at least that part of the movie was realistic

Got that part right but yeah, apparently the detective is just there to give him a pep talk now Well see they've been poker metaphoring back and forth. Like, he's been saying, like, you've been going all in and you need to just fold and you need to... It's just Japanese guy. I don't know, something. He's like back and forth with poker terminology. And then finally, like, even though someone's just

been murdered in front of him, and it's just like, don't worry, I won't hit my wife anymore. And he's like, sure, you're the first guy to ever say that to me, but bye He's like look what I need you to do is go out there and win that wrestling match Because the movies over if I arrest At the end of the set's an all yeah Apparently the town needs hope or whatever and okay. Yeah, so now we cut now It's time for the final battle of the Jesus movie where he's gonna take on the fucking Reaper and I love the interest Right so Roddy Piper comes out and he's like at ladies and gentlemen fighting on behalf of religion and all that is holy

The guy you're all rooting for, the good guy, he will win. Will win. I love you. Takes off his mask here too. Like that's all we see. What it, but isn't that for a mass wrestler isn't that supposed to be considered like a huge humiliation to be unmasked? For luchadors, it is a lot of mass wrestlers have taken their mask off. I just really wanted a moment where he took his mask off and the room got totally silent. And then one guy was just like, put it back on.

Ha ha ha ha. You don't look good. And also this is not my bad hearing. My ears going as I got older because we all have this in our notes. Very clearly, Roddy Piper introduces the Reaper as the Raper. Yes. On ambiguous. Yeah. He's trying to say Reaper in his newfound. I'm not Rounty, Rounty,

Piper accent. You know, ladies and gentlemen, the Raper and I wanted Brock Turner to run out in his little studio. He's out now. He could. He's out. He could do it. Yeah, let's get him some work, huh? Jesus. I love to okay. So the you just mad at me every time I suggest hiring Brock Turner. I love to do the good guy bad guy banter that we get at this point because apparently the Reaper speaks only in redneck bumper stickers And it's just all a bunch of wears your Jesus now preacher man Right, he's like if God is with you then who will rise against you? And I wrote my notes Harambe it's

Yeah, and, okay, so, so they have a little bit of a wrestling match and really honestly, I expect that a hell of a lot more out of this wrestling match. They're building it through the entire fucking movie and they we get practically nothing. But at one point like the, the, the, the Reaper body slams him so hard he flashbacks to his daddy, Leven. Right, he has a get up Yes, son of a bitch cuz Jesus loves ya Very clearly yeah Everybody starts chanting his name or whatever but can he get yes

He can he can get up and he does and and this is the really bizarre part where he actually as far as I can tell Uses a real wrestling move is is that? He's a normal. He's a normal. Yeah, that's weird. But it's also super, duper anticlimactic. Like, an arm bar in a tap out is the least climactic way to end a movie, because the guy's, he's just like, tap out or I'll break your arm

and the guy's like, no, and he's like, just seriously, I'll break your arm. It's pretty easy to do, hips versus the elbow, and he's like, okay, tap out, okay, I It's pretty easy to do, hips versus the elbow. And he's like, okay, jump out. Okay, I'll do it. And then he taps out, yes. I thought he was gonna, because it's so common, I was like, okay,

that's not the climax. The grieper's gonna get up and be like, ooh, saint, and then he's gonna do the faith breaker to end it, which is a big, showy knockout move, right? Right, he's gonna do the right right right no it's over I thought this movie why would you not finish with the fucking faith breaker why why I waited for the faith breaker they introduced the faith breaker and then they

don't end the movie with the faith breaker he has the signature there's no other reason for us to bother with him Yeah, but no, but it's an arm bar where the Reaper taps out Yeah, there is one moment that I absolutely love from this which is everyone's cheering because he's one and the secretary The lumpkins like he topped out he tapped out and the secretary turns to him and goes I have no idea what you're saying It's like why was that in the movie again. I'm not really into wrestling. This is all a little much We do get the tagline at the end though again the I'm not a saint. I'm just a man Yeah, yeah, and the bad guys like you need a lesson on Venn diagram

like you need a lesson on Venn diagram. Sure. Okay, so that's the best. And of course the movie can't end yet because we need to close on a little more old Black Lady wisdom. And it's the most banal wisdom you get. It's like a disappointing fortune cookie that doesn't work with the in bed game. She might as well just be reading lucky numbers like 13. 39.

47. I'm magical Black Lady. How does she she goes? You got to keep mastering it every day and I wrote the Eli Bosnian story She also goes you know that quote from the boondock Saints I've got that on the left page, but I've added a totally irrelevant statement on the right it's literally like all that takes a g gable good man do not do nothing and so then her quote is So do it. Yeah, so do so yeah, yeah, right all that it's required very evil

The flourishes for good men to do nothing on one side and her quote is so do something that's it Like that's implied by the first quote you fuck off I want her whole book to just be great quotes on the left side and her Saying very obvious things on the right like better to have lived in love than to never have loved it all so love You know the whole fucking thing on a fucking course the tree would make it noise Yeah, exactly so and and also I love okay, the movies over whatever. And they they come up with like the real the saint or whatever. Sky name Chris Waley, you know, the real masked vigilante wrestler, pastor guy who beat up a pimp with his bare acting. Um and I

I'm just like, okay, so wait, this entire and it's based on a book that he wrote, right? This entire movie is based on a book that this guy wrote about himself being a masked superhero And I guess it's because he's like you know what I've been a pastor I've seen the kind of bullshit these people believe so why the fuck not get mine as well And then of course we get the in-memory of Roddy Piper to close it all off. Yeah, this movie killed Roddy Piper Yeah, I like to think that something killed Roddy Piper before he could see this movie. Some family member or friend was like,

hey Roddy drink this, this vile of clear liquid. No, I just was watching Daly's and I want you to, I want you to remember for a moment. No, it's a celebration. Good to know that the fatal heart attack wasn't the low point for Roddy. Well, unfortunately, we weren't allowed to tap out of this one early. We had to make it to the last bell, but rather than insult thumbs by asking, you know, apply one to this piece of shit.

I'm simply going to ask you this. Can you describe a wrestling hold to me that would be less pleasant to be trapped in than this movie was to watch? Oh, I'm going to say sleeper hold with Dennis Haster. Oh, that was not fun. If you move with him, it's not as unpleasant. If you move, you have to kind of shift your hips. You stay still, he moves or vice versa.

Right, first of all, it's got to be one of the more. Can I go with suplexed by Rosie O'Donnell? You know, I feel like though you'd get a rug burn from the wool. Haha. I guess that'll do the trick and well that does it for our review of the Mast Saint. That's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to tinkle some dingo over next week's show. So Eli, tell us.

What's on deck? Gods Club. The people are screaming for that one. We're giving them what they want here. I tell us, watch on deck. God's club. The people are screaming for that one. We're giving them what they want here. Recently added to Netflix. Yep, yep, you can watch along if you hate yourself. It's a movie about Stephen Baldwin's quest to open his eyes up all the way and start a Bible club at a local high school against the objections of

everyone in the atheist town he lives in. I can't get right. Right. They show you the whole fucking movie in the preview. I don't know if there's anything left to watch. I think I could just wing it. But also, and I have to point this out, okay, I'm sure she'll come up when we actually do the movie.

This preview contains the ugliest human I've ever seen. There's a crowd shot, there's an old lady that looks like a close-up of a dead thing's asshole. It was, it's like, I've never been more excited by anything I've seen in one of these previews. Well, I have a lot of dead things assholes around my apartment, so when the time comes, I'll compare. If you're not our fan on Facebook already I'll put a picture of it You've got an idea. Yeah, also heads up to Jamie. We want Stephen Baldwin's breasts Time to get ahead on that bring them to me Mew Kim

So with milking Stephen Baldwin to look forward, I guess we can bring episode 55 to a merciful close. Once again, huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful and thereby earn early access to every episode. You can also help us to turn by linked in the 5 star review on iTunes and by sharing the show with all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the scanning atheist

and the skeptic crowd available on iTunes, Stitcher and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions you can email God off on movies at gmail.com all the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of Evil Drafts on Mars and was used with permission. If you like what you hear here more by following the link on the show notes to this episode. Thanks again for giving us a check of your life this week for Heath then write me live Bosnick.

I'm No Illusions Promise in a Work Hard to earn another chunk. Until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Not now, but please. Thank you, Jesus. Oh my God. Don't you dare, you're in there. Jesus. Slayin' my wife, believes in Jesus. Tee.

The Reaper hired an actor to Tanya Harding, the Iceman, which made it perfectly legal. After learning the important act three lesson about pride, the saint went on to write a book about how awesome he is. Routing Piper died rather than seeing this movie. Good for him. Good for him. It was the right choice, Roddy.

It really was. In my truck, building up brainers and stuff. I'm a dead man. I'm a dead man. Diabetes, cats, now need truck lumping. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2016. All rights reserved. 2016 all rights reserved.