God Awful Movies - 56: GAM056 God's Club

Episode Date: September 13, 2016

This week, Eli, Noah, and Heath team up for an atheist review of God's Club, the story of Stephen Baldwin trying desperately to open his eyes up all the way. Set amid the backdrop of a churchless town in Vermont, a faithful science teacher tries to overcome the death of his wife, his lack of acting talent, and a couple of atheist mean girls with murder on their mind. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page.

And this is where she goes. Mom always used to go to the Bible and I wanted her so badly. She brings over the Bible and they do the like random flip, find exactly the right phrase thing from Christian Remings. But I wanted her to open it and for it to be cut out and there was just a giant black dildo in there. They both just stare at it for a minute. Both of you even say, oh that's why I thought she buzzed when she read That makes sense. No

That makes sense God awful movie Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be Keith welcome back. Thank you sir. And sitting 81 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli How are you this fine afternoon sir? Pretty good. Stop taking the pills and I'm just gonna read Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Club. It's the story of a public school science teacher and his daughter trying to spread the Christian gospel and also finally expose the conspiracy of medicine taking. But things get tricky when they find out that their small town in Vermont is also home to a sleeper cell of teenage atheist terrorists, mafia members, something everyone can relate

to. It was fun. It was another everyday story of every town in America. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love those feel good movies about like the black family that moves into the white neighborhood and that neighborhood needs to learn to accept them, but you thought to yourself, fuck! Why isn't this about one of the largest majorities in the world?

And also, you're a Scientologist who wants to kill the mentally ill with bad advice, you will love this movie. Very specific audience, they were. I'm gonna go with one third passion of the Christ one third Bersinski documentary and one third Stephen Baldwin's chromosomes I feel like Stephen Baldwin should now be a euphemism for that last stage of high before you pass out Guys David Stephen Baldwin. Just get him on a couch. Get him on a couch It's fine, buddy. Your hands are just the right size. Your hands are just the right size. You're

not an asshole. I'm going to Daniel right now. I'm almost there. All right. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Oh, yeah. I'm going to say best worst people who like this movie also liked because it might as well say movies on God awful movies. They liked fireproof, uh-huh, war room, and God's not dead too. Only the sequel though. The worst. It's really interesting. Can I go with most direct message intended to kill your audience? It was pretty high up there. Yeah. This is if Jim Jones had made a YouTube channel.

Alright, everybody, three, two, one, go, yay! Spaceship on its way, go. Spaceship on its way. Also, I think this might win for like knowing least how the universe works of all the Christian because we joke about it And there are moments where we're just like, oh, that's silly like these people don't know who Jesus is But all of that is taken very literally in this movie like this is someone doing a spoof of our show as a movie almost every step of the way Yeah, no, and I know the scene that most inspired that particular comment and holy shit Because yeah, we see that constantly we did like people in America going Jesus now

He's the one with the beard right and but this movie like was usually start talking religion, like people don't even know what basic words mean. It's amazing. And the movie has scripted that so badly that they do forget to slide between like what an English speaker knows and what a bio right is. Right. Oh, Daniel, who is he? And then it'll be like, butter, what's that? It's like, no, no, no, you you what's this definite article you keep using I feel like you keep saying me all right just run with that for a second. Well I got with your fancy college words boy well I guess we've all got very important school board meetings that we have to hackle tonight so we're gonna have to speed this up keep the break short and when we come back we'll dig into all the sedate mellow drama that is.

God's Club. Doc, are you sure I can use a Bible instead of my pacemaker? Oh yeah, yeah, it's a proven fact that the Bible helps many people. Well, okay, sorry, what? Yeah, yeah, they did a study and it's a proven fact that many people feel helped by the Bible at times during things. That sounds very specifically like vague and made up. No, no, no, it's a big old study.

Tons of people, it was published in the journal. The journal of what? The medicine. Okay, well, I'll take your word for it. Ha! 20 bucks, I thought you! Seriously? Okay, okay. How about double or nothing?

Next guy holds his breath till he dies. You're on. And we're back for the breakdown, and we're gonna start this movie by meeting a family in a kitchen Like three out of every five movies we've ever reviewed. Can we meet them in the goddamn living room for once? Yeah, just to spice things up. Yeah And so we see the mother and the daughter

Kitchening and like all Christian movies and it's been a while since this has happened actors are asked to pantomime for Three seconds right and so they're just like banging pots together and being like, work and on the rail road. How do people cook? Then Steven Baldwin shows up looking like the words microwaving a burrito were brought to life. Steven Baldwin stumbles in looking like a home invasion. Yeah, right. If you write law abiding citizen, these women,

I don't buy this movie at all. At all. He looks like Pony Boy heard stay golden corral. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. He looks like he looks like a Chinese guy in white face.

I have so much. I have so much just about what Stephen Vaughan looks like. He looks like claymation of a fetus developing downs in fast motion. He looks like gum shoes the Pokemon trying to be a human. Like just in general, it seems like he looks like he caught his wife cheating on Ashley Madison, but hasn't said anything yet He's just like I don't like a sad pair like his waist. It's crazy I don't understand how his waist is about 10 feet wider than any other part of his body Now I'm not saying he's like fat. He's not particularly overweight. He is a little bit. I'm saying he's Geometrically impossible for a human being

It's not he's funir-sized, not fat. Right. Right. Now, okay, and he is looking completely fucking homeless in this shot, and his wife looks at him and says, you can't go to the meeting dressed like this. Like, I don't want to go to the meeting. She's like, we'll do butt stuff, and he's like,

okay, we'll go to the meeting. Yeah, she goes, how about some dessert on the way home? And he's like, oh, you naughty minks. And I'm like, yep, that know, he makes and I'm like Yep, that is but sex at motel six for 45 minutes. Yeah, yeah, nobody goes to a meeting for ice cream No, no, exactly once you pass the age of 19 you can buy all the ice cream you want for yourself So it's always about sex with another person That's the only thing you can't do yourself. And sometimes you can do yourself. Who's with me, right?

Rooshby. Oh, God. I'm just trying to keep Phyllis's memory alive. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Well done, sir. So yeah, after this very important scene, now we cut, basically we just dive headlong into a plot that was already going.

Yeah, I missed the beginning of this movie. We learned that I wrote my notes. Did I miss the beginning? Where we learned who these characters are and what they want and what this is? No, we lost a real. It's cool. We clearly did. Yeah, because, okay, so we cut straight from meeting the family in the kitchen to heated

debate at the school board meeting about the God Club that his wife is starting at the school. school board meeting about the god club that his wife is starting at the school ha ha ha and if you are our first our first oh not you two uh... of the uh... film happens here where lorenzo llamas shows up uh... as evie evil atheist dad number one and he's had enough of this jesus fella and their jesus club m

nobody has a fucking list of shit on Lorenzo. What the fuck is wrong with you people? Nothing, I'm trying to fight it. I'm trying to fight it. Give me time. This is Antonio Benderas after the Athe takes effect, right? Yeah, okay. No, no, I think that's Atheist, evil Atheist dad number two.

Oh, no, okay, so Atheist dad number one is a beard guy. Yeah, here you go Yeah, his beard is drawn on like a Latina woman's eyebrows. He is fucking insane looking It looks it looks like he drew blonde Around the edge of his beard Like you know, normally that would be like you died your beard dark and it came at note It looks like he very clearly like like you said with like a mascara line of blondness around the edge of his beard. He looks like Paul Bunyan got his high school girlfriend pregnant. He looks like upside down phyllis schlauffly and I know, I know, trust me.

Now I gotta say too because I love this exchange. This is the only Christian in the world that wants to do the legal thing, but people are trying to stop him. And so, in order to create this bullshit world where somebody actually gives a fuck about their Jesus club, they have to make the atheist complete into, I find this offensive. That's just offensive because the boogie man word of 2016 is offensive right because that's the way to dismiss everything now is like hey man that's offensive

And it's like oh is it offensive or is it brave nope? It's just it's just gross or am I a hero nope? And people know now because it's not the 50s. Make America great again. Make America great again. Also, the other complain is, the atheist parents seem to think they're like, fuck you, my kid's not getting forced into going to your God's club.

And the Christian moms like, okay, well, nobody's forcing anyone to attend. I'm being nice and you're being crazy. I just wanted the atheist family to be like, okay, well, we're starting after school Satan that's happening Well, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right,olly willy needs to do is be like, great, I want to start Allah's club and everyone be like, great, so no clubs, no clubs this year burn the school to the ground, burn the school to the ground, burn the school to the ground, you'll all be sick. Start over again. All right, great.

Purge everybody. Purge in three, two, one, go. This is Purge in. Yeah. Also, I just have to point this out because it's one of my favorite moments in the movie. Everyone's like shouting over each other and Stephen Baldwin says, everyone is a calm down. Like he has a gun. The performance is him going to stand up and like shoot that Asian woman in the leg and

be like, all right. Now, everyone is going to let potatoes. Comer than you are. Stephen Baldwin looks like he smells like witch hazel all the time So then we get Stephen and his wife driving home talking about the God Club Right, and there's just a great moment where he turns to me and goes you're okay And I wanted her so badly be like no, I'm married to Stephen Baldwin. I hope I die soon

better leave you like no I'm married to Steven Baldwin I hope I die soon and boy well she and I love to that like you know he's going like well I think maybe this this Bible clubs total waste of time babe and she says this is her answer she's like well kid access worried about getting pregnant and kid why is listening to music the glorifies drugs and violence that's why they need a Bible study club. Condoms in music. Yeah, 50% of her complaints are in line with rockets, your decision. Yeah, exactly. Also, just a real quick note, she's gonna die soon and we're all real glad about that.

But mom looks like she belongs in a sci-fi special about big spiders. You know what I'm saying? She's the dumb scientist that won't understand that they want to kill her. Yeah. This is the first movie she's been in that shot in HD. That's what I'm saying. Not the first, not the first. Yeah, but, and so she's like having this whole like, all I really want is to teach the Bible in public schools to children against their parents will kind of a moment and and Stephen goes like you know what I think

you're pretty awesome I think I'm going to kiss you while you're driving I hope we don't get into a car wreck and die. No. Yeah. It was the stupidest dead wife car wreck scene I've ever seen and I've seen a lot by now. Oh, it's so good It is the closest to our joke that a movie has gotten Like we're gonna live forever and she's like I know

Right before the crash she's like oh you sound a little do you sound skeptical? Do you do not support the Bible club? I'm talking And Bolton says, well, I support anything my wife supports. So ladies, I'm gonna manzlate that for you. That means no, he does not support it. Not a fan. Yeah, and crash. Exactly. So now we get him struggling out of the car saying,

babe a lot, I swear, I wanna go back to the scene, account how many times he says babe in this car. My notes say stop saying babe about 19 times. Yeah. It's not just in the scene. It's ridiculous. No, it's throughout but just it dies here and he keeps doing it. Well, he calls this daughter babe. Van Raul, he just instantly transfers from the wife all of the nicknames to the daughter, which I'm totally in support of. Who's with that? This daughter is my notes here calling your wife babe means you deserve a car accident.

I call my wife babe all the time. I do not deserve a car accident. But he struggles out of the car. He goes around the other side. She's laying there and his instinct is to grab her and pull her out of the car. Okay, I'm just going to twist your neck in a sharp circle. Okay, babe, babe, babe, I'm going to cover your nose and mouth at the same time. Okay, breathe through my hands.

To be fair though, their injuries appear to be briar patch related. So it seems kind of minor like when he comes up on her, I can understand that. And he's like, are you okay? You're gonna be okay and she can't answer. So probably no. And then she starts talking a little bit and she can't feel her legs.

And again, this is probably because he aggravated her bad spinal injury by yanking her out of an upside down car. Maybe. Yeah. But hey, she doesn't need legs. Legs are overrated. Stephen Baldwin was like, okay, her bad spinal injury by yanking her out of an upside down car maybe yeah yeah but hey she doesn't need legs legs are overrated Stephen Baldwin's like okay you pussy still good we talk about that later now's not the time and like honestly that would have been a step up in the dialogue department the this is the actual line that they give Stephen Baldwin to deliver in this scene he says you're fine my love I, my love. I'm here with you.

I'm here with you. I just delivered that with more passion and believability that he delivered like an actor about to run on stage. You're fine, my love. I'm here with you. I'm here with you. I'm here with you. That was his performance.

Steve, we're rolling. Yeah. I know. Good take, everybody. Take the time. Good take. I'm going to go to craft craft services nobody get near the mac and cheese. I'm gonna do weird things to It's not gonna be food when I'm done. It's not food anymore for anybody Sepham me

So and of course she as as she there dying, wants him to pray with her, but he just can't. Which again, I such a theme in these, why can't people, I can pray if a dying man stumbled in right now, I'd be like, ashes, dust, happy birthday. There you go. I figured it out. Right, but he can't bring himself to pray. And apparently there's a clock, a ticking from the time she asks. So he's got like 10 seconds before she dies from there. Yeah, and I wrote in my notes, this is really sad. That actress had to

touch her face to Stephen Baldwin's face. I've been negotiated that like HBO nudity. Okay, so it's gonna be three seconds of your face on Stephen Baldwin's face and she's just in a boardroom two seconds Two seconds and I immediately get a chemical shower. We can do that great And I want to say okay, so like for the rest of this movie Stephen Baldwin's character is gonna be dealing with the guilt of not having prayed with his wife before she died But he never expresses any guilt about like trying to make out with her while she was driving thus causing the accident that killed her.

No. Nor does he ever take a moment to be like, man, God crashed my car. He very explicitly, and we will get to this scene, is like, you know, that car crash really made me start thinking about how awesome God is. Yes. Because I was, I was planning this elaborate plot. You know, I was going to need an alibi, but no, it's worked out great. I just had to I didn't really like Kelly right until she kicked me in the balls.

But then when she did, I was like, she's good people. She's good people. What? So now we cut to their house. Okay, this is where we meet the daughter. And I just have this feeling like there's gonna be some Some disturbing notes about the daughter before we're we're all She was 18 when this was filmed I checked oh what you really after I finished but I checked And we're in well wait I want to take a moment if this movie didn't want me to say the things about this daughter that I am about to say

Trigger warning. Don't make her wet in more than three quarters of the scene. She either went from a pool or covered in sweat. Look, I get a hint when a movie sends me a hint, all right? I know what I'm supposed to feel about this girl. She's having olive oil fights with people is fun. Yeah, basically every time we see this character she's sweaty. And this is also where we get the least realistic moment in this entire movie.

You show Steven Baldwin doing a crossword puzzle. Oh, actually, fun fact, I believe he was just coloring in the squares. I guarantee if we've gotten a reverse shot, he would have been like, thought that it's all black now. Good job, Steve. This is a really easy Sudoku. You just, just dark it. And by the way, learn to fold a fucking newspaper to do the crossword. It's like flopping everywhere. It's a weird angle.

In a New York subway, you'd get beat to death while everybody watched and cheered the person beating you to death. Yeah, he's got it rolled up like he's about to punish a dog. Yeah, right, right exactly. So what we're learning in this story is that he's not like since his wife died there for his daughter and he's too mopey and shit. Yeah, she wants him to like not wear the same clothes for three weeks, which is rude, I thought. I mean, maybe he owns three shirts and one pair of pants and he's on a nine week cycle lots of people run it like that That's perfectly just fine as I understand

And This is when Corbin Burns and shows up proving that he just didn't invest the LA law money very well I wrote my notes. It's the guy from LA law. Yeah, I'm gonna see how this movie works out before I'm disappointed I'm gonna see how this movie works out before I'm disappointed. Because he comes in to be like, Hey man, it's been 12 weeks. Your wife's dead. She's not getting any dead or let's get out of here. There's also this weird moment with it's supposed to establish that they're not just like co-workers.

They're also buddies where Stephen Baldwin is like, maybe I won't go back at all. Maybe I'll stay here and slowly turn into a big pile of laundry. And he goes, you want some fries with that fatty? And it's supposed to be a buddy joke, but he says it with such hatred that like you can tell they had to cut and then like tell a knock knock joke to Stephen Baldwin so you could be like, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh Bernson is one of his bosses and he's there to tell him his dead wife leave his op he has to come back to work now right and we learn that he's a teacher which

I want to point out at this point in the movie we don't know he's a science teacher and I just wrote my notes what kind of teacher are we supposed to think Stephen fucking ball when he lacks the gravity toss of a gym teacher looks like he's never made it all the way through a little league game without being ejected. Also, if you close your eyes here, Baldwin sounds like Jennifer Tilly with Laren Gytus. He always sounds kind of like that. Very much like that.

Easier to jerk off to that way. I've found it that way, yes. Strong disagree. So now we get the um that made it harder Now we get the the getting back out there montage right where he has to clean himself up Keep in mind we're like three minutes into this fucking movie um, and and he walks into the bathroom looks into the mirror Seems to be as disappointed as I would be to see Stephen Baldwin stand in there looking back at him Why can't I be more like Alec? I hate him so much.

Fuck. This is also the greatest moment I've ever had with Anna watching one of these movies. So he's shaving and Anna turns to me. She hasn't left the room yet and she goes, I thought he was brain damaged by the car accident. And I go, no, no. That's just how Stephen Baldwin talks. And she looks at me and goes sad and leaves the room And it's a hundred percent true

So they're shooting for montage of getting ready type stuff, but they only have like three things I apparently they didn't have enough tape for full blown montage. So they just show them shaving ironing, and ordering a pizza. Why would that be? To be part of your morning routine. Like, halfway through the shaving. He's like, I have a little snacky.

Let me get, yeah, do that during montage. It's the most realistic part of this movie is that Steven Baldwin can't leave the house without ordering and eating two full pizza. Ha, ha, ha, ha. His body's 70% grease. It's like water. Oh then he goes back to work. He starts his first class off since his wife dies. And of course, this is another one of those. This is what

the atheist are mad about kind of moments. So he says, like, as many of you know, my wife died tragically, I'd like to start today with a moment of silence in honor of my dead wife If that's okay if that's not your thing don't worry about it. So if that's not your thing scream real loud I wanted one kid to just be like I told the way stocked out. He told me what to do A moment of silence is everyone's thing. I've never heard of anybody who doesn't have Tourette's not doing a moment of silence for anything. Well, except evil atheist really hot black girl who walks out angrily at this point. Yeah, very young wife, my ass. Well, wait, I have a theory. Maybe it's is it that? And I'm just throwing this out there. I don't want to be accused of anything. I don't know. I'm asking questions.

Do black people not believe in silence because that would explain several movies I've been doing. I'm just I'm asking questions. I'm a skeptic and that makes it okay. So maybe she was just planning ahead because the national anthem was about to start uh... i could see it in capric uh... i could be a support call in capric so i know i but yeah but but again this is this is the moment that they give

us in this fucking movie is that he just wants to have a moment of silence in honor of his wife but those damn a atheists get all pissed off about it. So then we cut to the daughter who's also, you know, back to school for the first time, because apparently she was also out 12 weeks for bereavement relief. And we were going to be three characters that we have to know here. One is her friend who I don't, I think her name is Piggy Piggy Piggy, and the other two are the bullies that pick on Piggy Piggy Piggy. Yep. That's all we need to know from this scene. And they call her Piggy because her dad recently bought a pig farm.

That was what they went with for the movie. What? Like if her dad bought a regular farm would they be calling her like produce, produce, produce, produce, like I don't understand. Here cows, chickens, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And the cultural complex. I don't understand here cows chickens Cultural complex But but also like it's not like there's ever a reason why the dad would have bought a pig farm

And she said it was like last week that he did it or whatever. I have a theory I think they were supposed to say here piggy piggy because that actress was supposed to be cast as fat and then They didn't cast a fat actress so so they were like, my dad bought a pig farm. Good safe. Good safe. I... When he'd last today, earlier. That's perfect.

No, this is the only thing in that character's backstory that I wrote before I made the script. So he picked the farm perfect. We can use it. Right. So anyway, so that's all we get from this. And then we get perpetually sweaty daughter, meet and dad, you know, on the front it right so anyway, so that's all we get from this and then we get perpetually sweaty daughter meet and dad You know on the front stoop after school where they so they can have one of many

Awkward dad daughter moments where it's obvious Steven wants to fuck this girl, right? And basically their answer is so how is your first day pretty good? How is your first day turns out atheists don't like silence Mornings weird. Also, this is where he points out that mom's death strengthened him and there's this very weird moment. So he goes, you know, and he's like, oh, I realize that Jesus is blah, blah, blah, blah. Who cares? But he goes, you know, and she was dying. There was this, and she goes, Glow, and I wrote in my notes, Teenage Girl has seen a lot of people die, apparently. I'm going in the blanks, right? And you felt alive for the first time, excited. Boom!

Give me a second, I'd go inside and master my gift. So yeah, yeah, I thought we were going in an interesting serial killer direction, but we were not. Instead, we were learning about how losing his wife taught him how awesome God is for killing his wife. Yeah. My Christian wife dying showed me that God is truly faithful. Yeah. That's what the message we're getting here. And that leak on Ashley Madison showed me that mom wasn't faithful. So well, this faithful in the way that Glenn closes faithful. You know what I'm saying? I'm gonna jump out of a tub

at you. I think that's what he's saying. So now we cut to to club sign up day at the school. And I just I have to point this out right because like they're collecting signatures for the God club or whatever. And they have this really nice printed outside and everything. everyone else looks like Brian Handruot because the pan shot had already started and he's like fuck other signs for the clubs. They told me that He's just it's just the word chess scrolled in not capital letters with a pencil on a poster board. Yeah And it's like chess French hiking Genocide a little deity just your basic school clubs.

These all belong together on a normal list. Don't circle any weird, but that's fine. That's the message we're getting here. And this is also where we meet the two dorky kids. I don't know that they ever get names. I don't think they get names, but the first line, one of them says is, I kind of want to own a raccoon that's the open for the scarac

don't go back i have no idea why you have that i think it's nice that this movie made our back story it's it's nice ha ha ha ha ha well i was really sympathetic with this character to and not just because of the line green uh... bermuda shortsie was wearing but he goes hey let's go mess with the bible man and i'm like i'm in

i'm in like these kids which made the rest of this movie super confusing because either the rest of these characters interaction are a brilliant way to fuck with steven baldwinds character or they forgot they wrote that line in i guess the latter which is a bummer But if it's the former all of the other lines make perfect sense and it's the most brilliant comedy ever written into a film Yeah, and I'm thinking somehow that this wasn't the most

Yeah, so they go up to Stephen Baldwin and his daughter who are doing the Bible club thing and They're looking through the Bible and they're like whoa. There were weapons in there. That's cool Like there's a very strong hey kids the Bible is cool message throughout this movie Oh, this whole movie is Stephen Baldwin his arms crossed across this chest and his hat back on backwards being like I got a little story to tell you about the Bible. I have exactly that from my nose and my arms. I have that exact image written down in my nose later in the film. And we need to point this out and then the camera pans over to the daughter who looks at

the guys like, oh fuck the shit out of you. And then it pans back to the kids. That at the guys like, oh fuck the shit out of you. And then it pans back to the kids. That is the choice this movie made. Right? You don't pan to the girl going like, yeah, I'm a not to girl. And then pan back to the kids being like, wow, this is a weird way to pitch a school club.

They made that choice, their movie. They chose to show a shot of her. In their defense, Eli, I don't think there was any way to pan over to that daughter without you putting those words into her. And her. It could have been at the mom's funeral and I would have been like, that's inappropriate. Come on. She clearly wants to fuck that Paul bearer. Yeah. Um, so, yeah, and so the kids, the dorky kids are like, yeah, we'll

go to your Bible club. And when one kid goes, aren't we weren't we supposed to mess with him? He's like, wait until after the movie's over and we're going to totally fuck with him. You're good and trust me. It's a long con. The day he adopt me as his son, I'll turn around and be like, gotcha. And this is where we see Victor in the background. Oh, yeah, one direction. Yes, I call him, he looks like a Jonas brother got fucked by the werewolves from Twilight. So I call him Teen Pregnancy, well, throughout this minute.

Oh, you guys are talking about Perth Plus. Yes, Perth Plus. I call him Perth Plus throughout. And he wants to go over and talk to the daughter, but he just can't bring himself to do it. And the daughter was kind of cute, but this guy was way more fuckable. Yeah, she just looks like Casey Anthony got away with it.

I'm sorry. I mean, she did get away with it, but like she got away with it. And you're like, nobody found the body. Too soon? We've had so much stuff in between Tragedy since Let's all be fair and draw our lines in the right spot So at the very end of that that scene we saw that the long-haired kid kind of like the girl

So we follow that thread like a cat saw a laser. This whole script is like a fucking dog and a squirrel factory. It's like, oh, we're talking about that now. So we get the scene where like she's in the school trying to study at some point in the future and one direction walks into talk to her. Yeah, it's like, have you seen my great hair?

Pretty much no fuss. So, you know Hanjob I Was open for that but no she doesn't want to talk to him because he's got a girlfriend named Trudy right and They seem confused about the plot of this movie in this scene. He's like yeah, right? So do I have a girlfriend? And she's like I don't know man Stephen keeps eating my script like a goat like we can't put things down around him it's very upsetting just go until it's been enough time is that

Garnier fruit tea? So now we cut to dad and daughter at the finest Ruby Tuesdays in all the land. On a lovely date at the Hard Rock Cafe. They're actually at Handmade Burger Co. That's what it says on the outside. And I'm pretty sure I looked this up. I mean, maybe I'm right, but I'm pretty sure that only exists in the UK. So all the main characters went to England for dinner at the same time in the scene. That's what's happening.

That makes films in California. That's weird. So yeah, so they're sitting there saying like, you know, like, so how about the plot? How do you think it's coming along? Well, I think the plot is coming along very well. The mom's dead and there we started the Bible club, but it's I think we're doing well. Right. And then the friend walks over because apparently Piggy Piggy was also there, but she was just like in the bathroom taking a power shit, getting ready for another handmade burger. So she sits down and she's like, and then the two girls immediately start talking about boys. Like just in front of her dad, they start talking about how wet their pussy's are.

He's like oh my god he's so fucking hot right? I was just fucking get my hand in there in between his butt cheeks and I was just slide it back and forth like I'm trying to clear a debit card and you think, well you girls say what you girls talk about. I get it. I don't think that's what they were actually saying Eli I think once again you've projected life. You watch the movie.

I'm getting a lot of negative feedback. People watch this movie. You tweet it, Noah. The subtext just because I'm the Roger Ebert of this fucking trilogy. I can see beneath the words. The Werner Herzog of God. I'm so thinking.

Because I killed the guy. Well, that's a good one. Did Werner hurt that kill a guy? I feel like he's killed it. You wouldn't be surprised if it turned out Werner hurt that killed a guy. For fun. For sport. Well, he fed that one guy to that bear.

Right? It was important for the movie though. It really did make the flick. So, yeah. So, all the characters apparently in this movie happen to be at hand made burger co at the same time but this is only a pretext to allow evil atheist dad to notice that steven

baldwinds there and go give him some shit for that moment of silence earlier yeah and this is the first thing he said to him since his wife died so he's like hey sorry to hear about your wife although what the's with not talking for 30 seconds in a row? What is this Saudi Arabia? Get your church out of my school. And of course, Steven Baldwin has his, I thought we were in America moment. I'm sorry, I thought this was America, this movie. Yeah, unbelievable.

Actually, no, I think you're in Europe because this restaurant only has a new restaurant. Don't worry about it. I'm sure there's gotta be one in California. That's what I think. I really, I looked it up. I was like, oh, what's that? I don't wanna find out where they filmed this.

Heath, can you not be the Neil deGrasse Tyson of Burger Joins for Christmas? Yeah. where they filmed this. Heath, can you not be the Neil deGrasse Tyson of Burger Joints for Christmas? Technically, the In-N-Out burger only uses two patties, they cook them for Heath, it's been 45 minutes, we'll get to the movie! It was an In-N-Out, I would have known what down they were in specifically. I love those. So yeah, so I also love this little throw away light at the end like the atheist dad is all angry and demands to know about his moment of silence and he's like, uh,

Well, this isn't the time or the place. So if you want to have a rational conversation anytime and of course, atheists never want to have rational conversations. So he storms off all pissy for Heathrow. No, okay. So then we get the the two evil atheist dad plotting. This scene is so goddamn bizarre. Yeah, basically this scene is nothing in the rule says a dog can't start a Bible club. Exactly. So Lorenzo Lamis and who I'm calling Michael Ian Black ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Somehow well yeah, I mean it cuz they're saying like well what are we gonna do about this and Lorenzo Lamis's character is a lawyer because he's bad um so he's like uh well Unfortunately the law is on their side like well then what are we pissed about something else? I'm sure meanwhile cut to Victor the Sun that the kid with the long hair looking like they just said We're gonna have to rape the daughter and not just once. Yeah, it literally does like a pan zoom into him like, bap bap bap.

Yeah. Yeah. So now we have to follow this, you know, we have to reinforce how difficult it is to start a Christian affiliated group in America. So now we get the scene where Stevie is at the, okay, so like Corbin Bernson is this boss, but so is this black lady. i don't know who's who

or whatever school is ninety eight percent principles i have had had had three principles for every teacher uh... so but she's telling him that she doesn't want to start this bible club because it's just gonna lead to trouble and then no one will donate money to the school that's taxed. What? Yeah, public schools can't survive without the the big atheist super PAC money. I so that's the issue here Yeah, and her arguments like you have to understand people hate

Bible clubs in the United States. I mean legally you have the right but in America we hate Jesus That's her point. Yeah, and and responds with like, am I being detained? And she's like, no. No, bud. Just asking you not to start a Bible Club. So yeah, so she basically says, you know, it'd be better if you didn't. He's like, fuck you.

And then we cut to our first Bible club meeting and I love this scene so much. If you interpret it as that these two dorky kids are just fucking with him and he never picks up on it, then I love this scene so much. But eventually the kids become Christian anyway, so I don't know exactly what they were shooting for. Yeah, it's hard to say if these kids are just like have never heard of Jesus or they're doing what I did to people at Reason Rally. It's hard to tell.

Yeah, exactly, exactly. Forcing him to say that Jesus is a zombie, which is where we ultimately go. So he starts off, he's like, we're gonna start with a little biblical history and I'm like, okay, those two words don't go together. And prepare for wrong information. In three, two, one, paleolithic.

It was the paleolithic. Millions of years ago, no, it's fucking wasn't! They might as well say it relates to the triceratops era. Like, it's literally just an old word they could think of. That's pretty much it. And okay, so now we get that moment that we were hinting at earlier where no one seems to know how English works anymore, because they're trying to give these kids some information about the Bible.

This is an actual line in the movie, okay? And the Bible is about God. That's the line. Yeah. And again, it's unclear if they're messing with him because Stephen Baldwin doesn't like you to play this movie like they were messing with Stephen Baldwin Stephen Baldwin should catch on and change their minds, but instead Stephen Baldwin's just so fast and he's like, yeah, yeah, it is I got that one right it is about God and it started And Jesus is his son. Uh uh yeah yeah yeah yeah it's like his son. I'm nailing this. This is the best I've ever done on a task. It's fucking crazy and then because the Bible's ridiculous and these

kids are either doing a great job of playing devil's advocate or stupid questions reveal stupid answers They're like oh so he came back to life like a zombie and he's like, no, not a zombie. And they're like, but he came back to life like a corpse. And it's like starting infecting people with his blood every Sunday. It's a lot like a zombie thing. Like a zombie. Are you sure it's not a zombie? Psst!

Are you sure it's not a zombie? Ha ha ha. They make it a really good argument But I also love this moment right before that where like they're like, but Jesus was Crucified what what does that mean hung on across who would do that to them and I would just love to see the outtakes How long it took Stephen Baldwin to not say Jew? juice ball went to not say Jew. The juice.

It had dubbing somebody else doing just Steve and Baldwin impression by the end of it. All of us. There we go. Good. We got it. Also, this scene ends with them just talking about how great Bill Murray is. Yeah. Yeah.

Right. Either like, oh, I love zombie movies. 28 days later. Oh, so good. Classic. You know what I'm talking about? First time fast zombies appear on film. No way really. Yeah, first time fast zombies appear on film crazy. You see zombie land and Six minutes of this Obviously, these kids just don't well Stephen Baldwin's like my turn my turn and Baldwin gets mad here He's like, I know what you guys are doing stop naming actors that are better than me

Fuck you Jesse Eisenberg My turn and Baldwin gets mad here. He's like, I know what you guys are doing stop naming actors that are better than me So okay, then we cut to a Bible study is over and now dad's at home And he's sad because the Bible Club didn't go too well now I just love the way this scene opens or he's writing things on paper and then ripping them off and throwing away What he writes on the paper is and he's saying it it out loud, of course, because he's a Christian and a Christian movie writing. He says, start with cool Bible stories. Wait, that's stupid, that's stupid. I'm such a loser. I shouldn't say cool there. Yeah, but then he has to rip that paper up and throw it away, because that he couldn't cross it out. He's throwing on entire pages with one sentence on them, like four times, I've seen.

And yeah, and while he's doing that, we're getting some extraordinarily porny shots of the daughter getting ready to go for a run and very clingy, tight clothing. Really, really porny. So yeah, regardless of the pornyness of the shot, let's just all feel better about ourselves and say yes, it was an excessively porny so yeah, let's you know regardless of the pornyness of the shot Let's just all feel better about ourselves and say yes. It was an excessively porny shot of the daughter And also this is where Baldwin he turns to the daughter

They're talking about how to make the Bible club better or whatever he goes many of these kids have never even seen a Bible Like really they've never been to a hotel or literally impossible impossible these children haven't seen a Bible fucking ridiculous again What universe is this movie taking place and and this is where I run out because he's like I've got to find another way to appeal to these kids and I wrote in my nose like I so want him to wear a backwards cap into a Jesus Rap what's more I deserve that? Eli you ready? Yeah, I'll be box you want to wrap it? My name is David. I'm not in movies. Oh God. Oh God God why

My name is Jesus and I'm here to say the Jews killed me in a major style fuck here to say the Jews killed me in a major style. Fuck. Yes. That's all I got. Also, this is where the girl points out, mom always said work harder and I wrote my notes. Yeah, remind me to sew that onto a pillow. Yeah, right.

Mom didn't have a lot of why you shit to say, but she did use these two words in conjunction very often. And then of course, this is where the daughter is going to go and run with Victor. So now we have to cut to to Garnier fruit. He's also lacing up his shoes. And this is where he pulls out his pills. And I wrote immediately, oh, he takes pills. Does he die or is guy going to miracle curum? It's 50, 50 here. Yeah. Right. I wrote, I bet he has cancer or steroids. He has cancer in the steroids. But he doesn't take his pill in this scene, and that's gonna be important.

And instead he goes running with daughter in the very poor, he slow motion, a febocam shots. Right. And but they don't like jog, they like do weird, like running sprints and then they like jump over a thing. It's like they're trying out for leap three Well the impression I got is that these two actors like were able to run like 11 feet and they were trying to make that look like a montage Yeah, it's a track around a pond

So I'm wondering why were they running it back and forth all on one side like windscreen Yeah, like a coach coach was like whistling at them and going back and where also by the way the music note I had here was rejected theme song from girl meets world okay which was fun which I like it so yeah and so they run for a little while and then they have their little conversation where basically she says but we can't date you're not Jesus yet enough for me right and he asks why is that a big deal? And her answer is literally God's a pretty big deal. Yep, that's all she gives him So and I've just wrote in my notes run Vic. You're never gonna get any pussy run run boy with hair like that you could get some Find a girl who smokes Vic find a girl who smokes

Yeah, preferably a chick who's at least tried to give herself a prison tattoo, you're in. You're in. But instead, he just volunteers for the friend zone. And then at this point, Lorenzo Lamis shows up to angrily pick up verbal essences from the park where he find any. He's dressed like a Serbian bodyguard here. He could not be more either trying so hard to make him evil it is men

yeah he's gonna give you a great deal on shag carpet and well and okay so this is also where this movie takes a dark turn up until now it's just been all this is silly that's not how this really works all that's silly that's not when the paleolithic started but at this point the movie stops being fun silly and starts getting dangerous and stupid This is 37 minutes and 15 seconds where we learn that the reason that Victor has pills is because he has major depression

But he doesn't want to take those pills because they make things worse for him Yeah, and this is where I started writing fuck this movie in my notes But it means not the last time I will write fuck this movie in my nose Yeah, and we should point out he threw out the rest of his Prozac in the garbage earlier that's gonna come back around right right yeah exact and he hasn't even learned to pray yet That's really fucking dangerous Also, we learned that he has depression and depression is portrayed in this movie the way that someone who all the people They know who have depression killed themselves would depravedved depression which is just like my brain doesn't work sometimes okay

sometimes I just want to shoot and then basketball sad and also look because this has come up several times in several of the fucking movies but anybody else curious why religion is so hell bent on not curing mentally ill people? Oh, oh, I know I know Never picks me stupid non-interactive podcasts and And then so and this is also again because this goddamn script is just following the last fucking scene We get Victor fighting with his dad on the way home about whether or not he should take his medicine. And the dad could not be more reasonable. Like he's not nice about it but he's like, Hey man, you got to take your fucking pills. You

skipped your doctor's appointment. You got to take your fucking pills and he's like, Why? Because you'll lock me up in a mental hospital again and it's like, Yes, I will send you somewhere where they can take care of you to make sure you're safe because I love you and he's like goooah! Well right but not just because a kid really would be like right a 15 year old kid would be like that so I can understand this if this was a movie about Lorenzo Lama's trying to deal with his fucking son and the son would actually be like oh I don't want to say my business but the movie agrees with him, right? The movie is presenting it like, yeah, he locked him in a mental asylum like an atheist would.

Just like when you sent me to the hospital and they ripped out my appendix, you needed your appendix removed, you had appendicitis, they tore out my organs, you know? How that went. You went to the doctor because you needed a doctor go to the doctor when you need a doctor It's just a different part of your body It's not even that far away from the parts you'd be fine treating right By the way this whole conversation at first they're driving home But this whole conversation we just talked about happens

out of the car because they pull over for some reason to talk. And then they get back in the car. I'm thinking, why didn't, why didn't they just do that in the car? Why did they ever get out? And then I'm thinking, why did they get back in? Like we don't need to know how they get to the next scene and we're fucking piece it together if they're somewhere else. They probably drove there. They were afraid the Christian posts would really pan this.

This reviewer enjoyed the movie until characters magically transported from one place to another. Also, they just leave a car abandoned in the middle of the room. Every so often things would go dark. Wait, that was me blinking, Stark. And I have to say, from a purely filmmaking perspective, I think that may have bothered me more than anything else The fact that this thing seen continued on until they got back in the car because like it could have just like ended on the

Upset team it could have ended on the frustrated dad But no it let's him get back in the car and drive off because the goddamn filmmaker thought people are gonna Wonder what happened after that? I mean did they just live on that street corner forever? I mean, it'll make no sense otherwise. Yeah, so now it's time for Bible Club Beaning number two, where we learn that these two dorks are committed to fuck with Bible man. And he brought shirts.

Yeah, they made shirts. And he starts off the meeting. He says, dear parents, know you're here. And I think that's time to leave when an adult asks you. That's how Jerry Sandusky started meetings. Like, do you know your parents here? OK. It's true.

No one's ever been glad about the thing the adult has done after they ask if the coast is clear. But this is where we introduce also, possibly my favorite prop in the history of film. So he gives everybody the t-shirts and then he's like, but I've got something else for you. And he pulls out, I shit you not, the action Bible. The action Bible! That's what it says on the cover and it's got comic book art of Jesus it says the action bible and one kid goes it's a comic book in the

dorky because it's a graphic novel you idiot and I was like yeah it is it is it's not a comic book yeah I want to want to be like oh you mean like a game and then bald was like no no no you get stoned to death for that Sandman only one American God only one So yeah, so and also I love this like one of the just a little throwaway line He's handing out his action Bibles and one girl goes I've never had my own Bible before Yeah, and I wrote my notes you still don't that's a comic book. Yeah, so graphic novel So also okay, so now they're gonna do and this is so insane to me so after he passes me He's like let's do a reading from our action Bible. So I'm like it's a comic book

Graphic novel. I'm like what are you gonna do like okay? And then Jesus in the first place, like, Cappang and his, but his dick was like, oh, oh, it's exact. I wrote exact Rebecca, would you read for us? Hey, dudes, it's me. Jesus, tubular. Also, I want to point out that he attributes the book of Matthew as to Matthew as having written it, which is like thinking that Watson wrote the Sherlock Holmes stories, but okay. Fine. Whatever.

Yeah. Also, this is where we learn the lesson that he pulls out in their movie is the it's better for a child to drown than it is for him to be sinful. Yeah. And we're supposed to be like, oh, good lesson to teach these kids on the second day. Good lesson. Well, and is it just me or does it because they can kind of present it as if you leave to be like, oh, good lesson to teach these kids on the second day. Good lesson. Well, and is it just me or does it? Because they kind of presented as if you leave Bible club,

we're going to throw a millstone around your neck, drop you into the sea. I mean, there's sort of at least that, that, that, that suggestion in there, right? Right. And goof is in galant, like, have a little, like, moment of that. What I was like, oh, your dad's next going to hurt. Punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, they spend like six minutes on it. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha or whatever I guess as we're getting there. And then we cut to Stephen Baldwin helping Corbin burn some of this car. And this is where evil atheist dad number two shows up to rip a god-sized hole into Stephen Baldwin's heart. Yeah, it's a drive-by atheist thing. That's what we do.

He might as well have just sprayed the side of the car with an oozy. That's how unrealistic this fucking scene is. Just throwing copies of Dawkins' nitchens at him. Yeah. And he comes up and he's like, did you tell my boy he's going to hell? And boy, I just want to be like, which one's your son, the faggot? Cut.

No. No. Sorry. Sorry, which one's your son, the gay? Cut. Still. No. Steve, that's $2 in the jar now, huh? You want enough for ice cream on the gay, but still, no. Steve, that's $2 in the jar now, huh? Huh? You want enough

for ice cream on the way home? Yeah. I do want enough for ice cream on the way home. Oh, shit. So, yeah, no, he's furious. evil atheist dad number two, wants this action Bible, the hell away from his son. And I wrote my notes at this point, like the atheists in this movie are always inches away from punching someone. Little did I know. No, he literally goes, say Bible again, like he has that mole, he literally goes say Bible again like yes that Moley you say the book and Bible again man

See what I want for god damn time. Yeah, they speak English and Bible. Yeah He's gonna bounce the action Bible off of Stephen Baldwin's face like the great Santina But then okay, so like clearly this guy's trying to taunt them or whatever and he's all angry or whatever and Stephen Baldwin starts to walk away. He goes where was your god when your wife died? And I'm thinking okay in a vacuum that is a great taunt that that's an accurate I say that to religious people with dead wives all the time and I get almost always wins the argument It's a very effective one this part part is accurate. Sam never used that intelligence square and I always thought it was a big weakness of that. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And the student Baldwin rightly kicks his ass, right? When someone

says that about your wife, you get to beat them up. That's how the universe works. But then everyone the rest of the movie pretends like, oh, he lost his cool. And all he ever has to do is be like, oh, um, he made fun of my all he ever has to do is be like oh He made fun of my dead wife and then everyone would be like oh yeah get him you want me to hold him? I'll get his arms, but let's be realistic though. Okay, look if you are a fucking school teacher Who cannot hold your shit together when someone wants to come because look school kids want to taunt and tease you and fuck with you And they will say any goddamn thing they can't again under your skin If you are a grown adult and you can't let a fucking word from another human being slide off of you You do not belong teaching a goddamn high school, right?

Like like yes in in a vacuum in the just out in the world somebody makes fun of your dead wife Yeah, sure you get to kick your ass if you're a fucking school teacher and you can't hold your temper in long enough to just go in and go to that guy and say, dude, are you fucking serious about what you're saying to me right now? And then like solve that like a grown up, you should not have this job. Now I'll never get accepted to camp quest. Yeah, this is what's holding you back. Ha ha ha ha. Also, small thing here, we see that Baldwin still has a back of the neck tattoo. And I'm thinking loving the bad man too.

Is that what's happening here? Is it just getting ready? That is all I want for this. Daniel Day Lewising, that shit. There was at least a couple of tattoos that probably should have been covered up in makeup, especially the Jesus ones on the atheists Yes, we'll get to that. Yeah, yeah, we'll get there But I guess now that we've added solving your problems with violence to the Jesus can cure your neurochemical imbalance undercurrent

I think we need to pause so that Eli can find an inhaler, but before we do let me give act three the hard sell Will I be able to connect that sprinkle ball with a stripey candy? What the fuck is a puffler? Is this stupid fucking movie still on find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the lethargic conclusion of God's Club and Action But I don't understand who killed Jesus the juice cut cut. Okay, Steve we talked about the line is We all did oh all did got it. Okay, sorry

Do you want do you want a towel or something? No? Nope, that's my skin. Oh, oh, okay, okay, and one more time I'm your Venus action, but I don't understand who killed Jesus the Jews did sorry that's me That's alright. No, but still rolling still rolling just keep get it, but I don't understand the Hebrews Should we do Jews and take 95? Action, but I don't understand who killed Jesus? We all did especially the Jews Oh, that's perfect. That is good. We can fix that in post. Good show everybody, take a bow. Oh, not really.

And we're back for more breakdown. When we last left our hero, he was sucker punch in the local used Rolex salesman and now it's time for his daughter to take revenge. Yeah, these atheist hoodlums are going to vandalize the classroom guys. Yeah, yeah, so now this is going to be this is the two bully girls that have been fallen around piggy, piggy, piggy and Garnier fructis who is one of their

ex-boyfriends. Why if he's hanging out with his ex who the fuck knows. But the one of the daughters is the daughter of the guy that Stephen Baldwin beat up for talking shit about his wife. So now they're gonna take revenge on his Jesus Club. For that.

On his classroom slash Jesus Club. And Christian movie bingo, not being able to swear, the graffiti that is spray in his classroom is literally quote worst teacher over the line guys. He's tone it down. Kids could watch this movie, God. Two weeks in a row, we got Canadian spray paint vanoles. It's like this teacher is a B-minus.

He's okay, he's okay. And they also toilet paper, the classroom, it's indoors. That's nothing. The point of toilet paper is when it gets a little bit wet and then it's a pain. He has to clean up That's now it's just cleaning supplies for the rest of the room that they've analyzed Although I will say they were quite symmetrical with their toilet paper and it was super classy It's a classroom hate to break it to these kids teachers don't clean their own classrooms. Well, right. This is just some janitor Yes their own classrooms. Well, right. This is just some janitor. Yeah. I love it. Okay. So we

get this like this, this cut like where it starts off show and then put the toilet paper in and then immediately cuts to Stephen Baldwin and the black principal lady. Um, standing there looking at it. Baldwin goes, I've never seen anything like this. This character watched his wife die in a fiery car wreck. In this movie, we watched him watch something like this. Yeah, exactly. He's looking at a vandalized, and not even like a particularly there's there's spray paint. They ripped up his God's Club signs and there's toilet paper around. That's it. It would take all of eight minutes to clean this room. Right, right, yeah, this prey paint a little longer, but that's about it. And then, and now he needs to go to the office, the principal lady is like, oh, and by the way, also, we have some silly rule about assaulting the students, parents, you need to go to the office

to see if you still have a job here. This might be the least of your concerns. So it goes to the office, everybody's yelling and screaming, and by the time Stevie shows up. And I, as soon as he walks in, Lorenzo Lama's turn, and he goes, your Bible club is done. And so are you. And I'm like, that you have the order in that wrong, you know, like the Bible, like if he's getting fired, obviously the Bible club is also not, he's not going to be doing that as a free citizen anyway. Yeah, I'm gonna kill you up and shut you up Yeah And basically he walks into the room and they're doing the I'm yelling scene from anchor man And also at no point in this scene does anyone go oh he mocked his dead wife

Which would have made everyone go like, yeah, okay I kind of get that like still bad, but I get that instead. He's like he was provoked like he walked up to him and shoved his shoulder Like this is a very difference between like he was provoked and he mocked his dead wife They are those are very different concepts when explaining behavior I want to say though I think probably from a legal perspective if if he pushed him, he'd probably have been better off than with the mocking of the dead wife thing. But yeah, yeah, but just as far as like four people in a room trying to understand what

happened, yeah, that is probably information everyone should have had. Because they couldn't have written, he mocked his dead wife into the script and then had the other characters be like still no hitting. And also they're talking about the Bible Club. That's all they're talking about. They're like, well the Bible Club is legal. I'm like, he punched a dude. Why are we not focused on that? They keep getting distracted. Also, he keeps parking in my parking space. Not even for it. Not 43, Brian. Right? And of course at the same time, it is now time for 34 not 43 Brian alright And of course at the same time it is now time for the daughter to fight the bully and these are my notes in succession on this fight scene

This fight is almost impossible to jerk off to okay mildly difficult. Okay, never mind. Yeah, I fucking paid browsers $5 for a video just like this now it's on netless whatever Idiot browsers won't take heath calls anymore I fucking paid browsers five dollars for a video just like this now it's on netflix whatever Idiot browsers won't take heath calls anymore Want to talk to ossa I want to talk to ossa She also has this great moment where the bullies on top of her and it's like slow motion and I wrote get up Yes, son of a bitch cuz Jesus Two of those in a row too. Yeah, basically they're having fully dressed

lesbian sex and I'm fine with that. As a matter of fact, I'm kind of pissed that the dorky kid ran to get dad and that scene on us a little early. This is also where one of the kid goes world star. I'm gonna put this down world star and I wrote my notes.

Nobody who made this movie knows what world star. No one's ever been there. I'm sure that I think they think it's one of the Mormon planets you get when you die They do not know about the website world star It's a hopscotch page So now I guess him and his daughter are in trouble for violently lashing out So they both have to go to the principal's office and also okay So it this should be its own Christian movie bingo square the movie starts lying to us

about itself right because the the girls going like I was just defending myself like I saw the scene you pushed first yeah there's no punching but she threw first push I was just he she attacked me from behind you showed us the scene that's's not what happened. She had a knife. Okay movie This is why you can't shoot out of order with Christian movies. They forget Just some poor editors sitting there going fine. It's fine. You still get paid And apparently there's a zero tolerance policy for violence here.'s what we're told yeah but except when Baldwin assaulted that parent before and he's still we're just like what there's a one tolerance policy but now it's down to zero yeah we started but now there's no more sorry your dad just took the one

he took the one tolerance also I love to okay so after this we get this great scene where the where the with a bully girls are plotting against them, like how they're gonna get their revenge. And I wonder why not, because I wrote in my notes, as a joke, the bullies are gonna burn down the school, right? Ha ha, funny joke. Wait a second. Wait a second. That was my joke. You'll, we'll, we'll throw a punchline on that here in about three scenes. But yes, yeah, right, the most ridiculous thing you could have thought they were plotting wasn't as bad as with, okay, so yeah, so

now we're back in the kitchen for more dad and daughter talk. Right. And her head hurts. So here have some aspirin, because they're not against all medicine, just the life saving ones. Am I right? That's much aspirin, they're not against all medicine just the life-saving ones As much aspirin as you like just don't take the pills that'll stop you from dying Yeah And this is where she goes Mom always used to go to the Bible and I wanted her so badly she brings over the Bible and they do the like random flip Find exactly the right phrase thing from Christian movies, but I wanted her to open it and for it to be cut out

And there was just a giant black dildo in there They both just stare at it for a minute. Well Steven said oh, that's why I Thought she buzzed when she read That makes sense now That makes sense And she flips open to Romansans accordion starts reading something from romans but that's not where romans is it's very clearly not where she flipped why can't they ever get the page right in these movies

you are to think well and i would have loved to that like to see somebody try this in real life you know they watch this movie and they're like oh okay that's how you do it you know so they should all right well let's get some random advice on grasshoppers have four legs shit wrong part hold on And the Lord said rape the fuck out of the no wait hold on hold on and then kush be got nimrod You want to stop there. It's not gonna get any better. Yeah, when you think about it be getting nimrod

Means that you should do your homework come on man What was the rape park go back one time? I think that's what I'm saying. Stephen cut, Stephen cut. But no, she happens to find one of the seven appropriate verses in this moment or whatever. And just then the black lady who is the principal or vice principal or whatever the hell shows up to give him a pep talk and to let him know that he's gonna get a chance to say his piece at the board meeting on Thursday. Yeah, they're gonna let you defend yourself because apparently they decide disciplinary action for violent teachers at board meetings. Public board meetings.

Yeah. All right, so now it's time to shit on mental health professionals a little bit more No moving. Oh God this scene was so hard to watch because it seemed like they kept Accidentally trying to make the psychologist a good guy and then like no no no wait wait fuck fuck Obviously, they had Stephen Baldwin describe one of his many therapy sessions Yeah, what an asshole. He asked you to talk about your feelings, right? So dumb.

So dumb. My wife says if we go to a therapist, they'll come out out of the closet again so we can't go back anymore. Yeah, nailed them. So, yeah, so now we're getting Victor, Garnier Fructis, he's hanging out with, he's at his psychologist's

officer, whatever, talking about this girl that he met, that he loves. And this is where, for the first time, it comes out that the pills that he's taking are pro-Zack. Right, okay, I don't know how familiar the average audience member is with anti-depressants, but he's probably got some damn serious depression if they have him on Prozac. Yeah, Prozac is a very, very intense medication for very, very severe depression as a general role.

It's also the only one that most people have heard of. It was not sure they were just like, Prozac. Yeah, yeah, exactly. They probably had no fucking idea what's prescribed for what Yeah, it's it's lucky that it wasn't like militant in you know, right? Yeah, lithium Bituits like just whatever fucking pills they could have thought of that day But the message of this fucking scene cuz he's being such a little bitch to his therapist But the message of this scene is listen up teens if you hate your therapist It's cuz you're way smarter than them

Like got him cuz the therapist just like tell me about your feelings And he's like why don't you tell me about your feelings in the movies like man this kid's so much smarter than this mental health Well, they've of course they so they start talking off talking about the girl But then they end up talking about You know the fact that she's religious and the shrink actually warns him that he's not gonna get any pussy Yep, the shrink is actually like you sure you want to have said you want to do a Christian grocery So never let you have sex with her big fan of over the pants hand jobs in five years But first of all this is so stupid because every girl I fucked in high school was a Christian.

I say that like that's a lot of girls. Both of the girls I fucked in high school were Christians. But anyway, yeah, anyway, it seems like an odd thing for the shrink to bring up one way or the other. But I guess psychologists make great wingmen. He starts to give him tips. He's like, you know, I have a client who's got her, she's going through a bunch of issues with her dad right now

And I'm just saying, you can make a hole, you can make a hole, my friend. I'm gonna drop her number. I'm gonna leave the room I'm gonna leave my book open with her appointment book. Maybe give her a call. I'm not allowed to believe me. I would but I'm not allowed to. I can leave a you're fine. You're good looking cat Just you know, maybe if you do videotape it to me That's just if you do yeah free thought radio There's also this great moment where he's like so do you believe in God and the therapist like a good therapist Is like why don't we talk about you and he's like you're trying to flick the question He's like no, I'm a grown-up doing therapy and he's like tell me which God you believe in I'm a grown-up doing therapy and he's like tell me which God you believe in

And again this movie is like you see that sort of a bitch won't answer right also He has this great moment where he's like I don't believe in God and we're supposed to be like oh my gosh He's so depressed. He doesn't believe in God and he goes I just can't talk to something I can't see and I wrote my notes. Yeah, atheists are really mostly hung up on the fact that we can't see God I lose it whenever I blink I thought the whole universe disappeared really I'm on a busy base Greenshire have no object permanence Well, and and I guess by the time this is, the therapist tells him he should read the Bible. Yeah, right?

Look, if it makes you feel better, read it, and go off your pills and cut yourself, does that feel better too? Yes. Also, there's a bad Babe Ruth joke. What? At least the movie admits that it's humorous, terrible. Yeah, that's how the kid actually leaves the scene.

He's like, yeah, that joke was awful. I'm leaving you're the worst. Yeah terrible favorite This movie's badly written Right. Yeah, exactly exactly. So now the bully girl is going to take her revenge I or a style yeah, right Egypt spring style style. Yeah, right. Egypt spring style. Because she had we cut to a scene where she is about to throw a Molotov cocktail at their home. Well, they're asleep in it. While they're asleep in it. Yeah, not even well they're at the game. Yeah, this is a good classic atheist maneuver. Do not steal our parking spots. That's the message that everyone needs to learn here. So yeah, the kids today with their double homicide attempts

and their dubstep music, she fucking lights a goddamn Molotov cocktail and throws it into their home. So, you know, of course we get Baldwin waking up and they're smoking, he's gonna go get the daughter or whatever. And I only have to bring that up because then he comes out with this gigantic fire extinguisher to put out what's basically a birthday candle gone wrong Off to the side of this house where they're filming this yeah, they borrowed some of the after effects from

Vultures of horror Exactly for the small garden fire and he approaches the fire like it's a bear He's he's like good behind me good behind me sudden movements. Don't frighten the fire. Show your palms. Don't look it in the eye. Show your palms. Don't get between it and it's fire, baby. And then we get the firefighter explaining what happened. He goes, we found this Molotov cocktail.

So probably Arsene, you think? He's like, yeah, thanks. Yeah, that was an hour Molotov cocktail that we had in the house that fell. So yeah, probably arson. You can't keep me by the curtains. That's important. You've got to... Well, I love to because the car is also spray painted on, which means that we use...

It's probably arson because they also vandalized your car. But that means that the bully daughter went like, you know what, let's murder him and his daughter and spray paint moderately unkind words on his car. Like, let's really rub this in. Also, again, with worse teacher ever, so we're trying to connect the crimes there. These are serial arsonists here. It's important. Never cut in front of atheists in the lunch line. They'll rape your whole family. And by the way everyone here is reacting to this attempted murder slightly less than they react to Stephen Baldwin punching a man who insulted him in the stomach. Everyone's like,

oh I heard you had some trouble at your house. No one's like, oh my god someone tried to murder you over this. Someone tried to murder you. Let's get the cops involved. Everyone's's like, oh my God, someone tried to murder you over this. Someone tried to murder you. Let's get the cops involved. Everyone's just like, yeah, at least they didn't throw toilet paper in your classroom. Yeah, exactly. You've got people riled up. So, okay, so yeah, so they're basically equal parts pissed about the attempted murder and the vandalized classroom thing and this is really driven home in the next scene where Victor catches up with the daughter while she's on her way home and she's like you tried to murder me with the mouth of cocktail I don't want to talk to you anymore. And he's like I was not involved in that. That's kind of a big assumption to Also, you are not reacting like someone who I attempted to

murder because she's like did you mess up my dad's classroom did you try to kill us and he's like one of those you're reacting appropriately to one of those and then we finally get the daughter swimming now we saw the pool early they've been setting this up and everything. Yeah, I wrote in my notes, God, this girl has wet in so many of these scenes. Someone bring Heath a gatorade. He's not going to be okay. Well, actually, he is because apparently in this movie she's swimming in like shorts and a long sleeve shirt or something.

And a hazmat suit with the box. You're swimming in a bikini. Where's the French police when you need them? But before she got out, I was excited though, definitely. Yeah, yeah. The little underage wild things that was about to have. But instead of hot lesbians, it's incest with Steven Baldwin. Not quite as good.

I'll give it back in two weeks, by the way. That's what we do in Andrew. This is why we're here to put it in the LLC. Andrew! Nope. And then he gets her out of the pool and they decide that you know what, this wasn't worth it. And he says, literally, I wouldn't sacrifice your life for any amount of Bible studies.

And I'm like, good. What? Yeah, I'm glad. I'm glad that the chess club does not outrank your daughter's life. Yeah, what a weird thing to point out. I would never sell you into slavery for an uncrustable. Thanks, Dad. Now that you say that though, it makes me feel like that was a thing you thought about.

Yeah, yeah, just let you know. Just let you know. One uncrustable by the way, that's how many I would not sell you in disillusion before. They come in packs of 12. They come in packs of 12. And of course now we have to come victor's dad catching him not doing drugs Literally, it is the I found drugs in your room and you haven't taken them. Yeah, you haven't taken them Yeah, that's how I imagine Noah confronts Heath every morning. He's like seriously

Seriously alerted by watching you You don't take pro's egg every day so. So yeah, and but again, like this movie is presenting refusing to take your life-saving medication as an act of righteous rebellion. Mm-hmm. And this is where I discovered up being the font size in this movie in our notes where I wrote fuck this movie. It's when he says I'm trying something else goes over and takes out the Bible That is when I chose 72 font to write fuck this movie forever because Fuck this movie forever you need your fucking

Medication you need to take your medication all the time even when it feels like it's not working You have to talk to your doctor, you always, always, always have to take your medication, all the time, everyday medication. Regardless of how many action, bibles you do or do not have, now I actually wanna just read this, I'm reading directly from Eli's,

no it's right here. This all caps. Prayer don't work the- how do I change the font? How do fuck this movie forever take your fucking medication? Of course, the fuck this movie forever in the aforementioned 70s. So you get to live my emotional experience. Take your fucking medication. Oh, take your medication.

Well, and again, like Lorenzo Lamas is supposed to be the bad guy, but a evil atheist dad number one is supposed to be the bad guy here. And his son says, well, Rebecca says the Bible will help me. And dad says, well, Rebecca's a moron. And I'm like, yes, dad is as right as right can fucking be. Rebecca is a goddamn moron She's a fucking in the movie anyway 15 year old kid in reality. She's 18 which makes me feel a lot better about myself this morning Girl telling you that she knows better than your psychologist what you need medically and her fucking prescription is magic spells

Yes, like how could this movie possibly not recognize that it is evil? And the only argument against the movie and against the dad in this movie is that he doesn't ask his suicidal son to take his medication nice enough. Right, he just keeps coming back to him and being like, oh, pretty please, would sugar on top? And he's like, my girlfriend says that I can squeeze my butt cheeks together And I won't have a chemical imbalance in my brain anymore. And he's like well your girlfriend hasn't developed all the wrinkles in her brain yet And he's like you're so mean No one who has a beard that's white on top and brown on the bottom can tell me how to live Get out of here Tim, Malin, slowly turning into

Santa. Go referee the Hunger Games. It's like you were meant to. So now Corbin Burns and shows up for a little more porch time with Stevie. Because this movie apparently thinks that the plot of it is this God's Club thing and not the Prozac thing going on on the side and the murder yeah, well right right at the attempt in murder or whatever Yeah, it's still somehow about this God damn Jesus Club and We we cut to this you know, okay, so this is where Corbin Burns is gonna show up to give him a pep talk about his big Speech on Thursday or whatever, but when we cut to this scene Stephen Baldwin is taking notes for his speech

Out of the action Bible out of the comic Bible. I think at first they had real Bibles But Stevie wanted picture books. Yeah, I put that in this contractor whatever. I will not have to deal with books that don't have pictures. His script had pictures in it too of just like him looking really ripped doing a bunch of push-ups. He was like, yeah, and then what line do I say? God, I think a third of this movie's budget was designing the graphic novel for Stephen Baldwin's script. Just as babe between every panel.

So and of course, the pep talk here from Corbin Bernson is about how this is just like David and Goliath and it doesn't point out that except that he's like Goliath and he's going to win. So what Corbin Bernson is saying here is that galaeth is the super powerful atheist political machine in small town Vermont. Yeah, finally, someone calls out the super powerful atheist political machine in small town Vermont. So yeah, so after we get done raping, murdering, and then re-raping the David and Goliath metaphor, we get to move on to where, like, I guess the daughter has now found out who tried to murder them.

And the first, this just, like, circulates the rumor mill. It's not like, oh, so and so got arrested today for trying to murder us. It's just like, you know what, I heard from so and so on the such and such. So, yeah, they now know it was the two bully girls that tried to murder them. I think that's fairly obvious, since they spray painted worst teacher in the same handwriting as they did when they

Vandalized the but at any rate. Yeah, and well it was Tresame who turned in the arsonists because that was the Christian thing to do Because the atheists we harbor Ars the reason rally it was just all fugitive arsonists Harbor, or the reason rally was just all fugitive arsonists. Really? So now we go back to Victor with his shrink as though this movie is trying to remind us how bad it is, right? So like now this kid who has through this movie refused to take his antitipressants, right?

Like the very early on we saw him not take his antitipressants. He hasn't done it since he is now very clearly feeling suicidal or at least as close as this script will get to you know what suicidal would be like. Um, because he also lives in a haunted house of suicide implements he's like so do you have any guns in the house you said yeah my dad's got a few any nooses yeah there are decorations. So that's what we make our toast uh... and and

i had such a hard time figuring out where they were going with the psychologist characters specifically because of this scene because in this scene the psychologist is telling them how awesome reading the bible is in how that will help him well they're very careful he's like it's a proven fact that some people like the Bible Yeah, it's a response to like good the Bible cure depression and he's like the Bible has pages Scientifically proven fact. Yeah So but Victor storms off

So the psychologist calls his dad who picks up half a ring into the phone call It's all of Christian movie. I'm right there But instead of Following this important thread We're gonna now go to the big school board meeting where the fate of the Bible club will finally be decided Right and the atheist parents have all showed up and They're confused that they don't get a vote about whether or not a teacher should be fired. Yeah, what?

Did they think that that's how this kind of stuff just happens? I have no idea what the people who wrote this movie think a school system works like. They think there's nine principles, two teachers, one of whom is now dead, but his school students are just constantly trying to murder each other, and the school board is like half PTA, half military tribunal. Also, tiny moment right here in the movie, but it is magical. At one hour, 11 minutes and 54 seconds in, there's a shot, and Stephen Baldwin has the entire front row to himself except He is sitting right next to a random Asian woman who's an extra who spends the entire scene and this movie looking

Anywhere but where all the other characters are looking go back and watch it I don't know what was going on. She doesn't have any lines But this one woman just is always facing like at a right angle to everyone else and Stephen Baldwin is sitting right next to her for no reason it's amazing you have to watch it's so crazy awkward awesome awesome that's only one of the many reasons I will be rewatching this film and so now Stephen takes the floor because he just wants everyone to be free like America. Yes, and this is where we learned that separation of church and state was never intended to be a separation from God. And I wrote my notes, that is the very nature of separation of church and state.

Exactly what it is right there in the words. And I wrote my notes, I'm glad Andrew isn't watching this movie. He would kill him. Hey Andrew, did you watch this movie? Nope. And then he plays the dead wife card right away. You know, it just seemed a little, a little, you know, grabby. Little goch, little goch, little bit, little bit. I wanted him to call for a moment of silence. As you know, my wife died 10 minutes of silence, please.

I'm glad you didn't see her. Grabby little ghost little ghost a little bit a little bit I wanted him to call for a moment of silence as you know my wife died 10 minutes of silence, please Okay, we got to start over again Is there a black girl in here? That's probably the problem Also, this is where the John Leggozima character Also, this is where the John Leggozema character decides he goes, thanks to your club, my daughter tried to murder you. Yeah, and he's like, what? And he's like, yeah, yeah, that's why she tried to burn down your house and kill you and your daughter. And he's like, go worry, I'm not going to press any charges. And he's like, wow, she tried to murder you.

That seems like you should. Is that how that works? By the way, that if somebody tries to murder you, you can just say no, no, no, no, that was okay. I probably deserved it. Yeah, it's like a bar fight. No matter what level of the crime, you're just allowed to be like, no, no, no, no,

backsees, backsees, it's all fine. Oh, okay, good, good. That's good. All crimes are like spousal abuse. That's what I'm saying. All crimes. And also I Like during his little speech or whatever he has to like misappropriate a few other statistics where he's like

You know, but this it's it's been proven that people in kids who love Jesus are happier and they make better choices And I'm like wait a minute atheists are less likely to get pregnant as teens to get divorced This is your these are your fucking rules to go to get an abortion to go to jail to commit a violent crime to vote for Trump Etc. What better fucking choices are you talking about right? I think that he what he's doing is the like people in communities are Happier by that one study that we did and then didn't want to show anybody the numbers than the people who that we did and then didn't want to show anybody the numbers than the people who are in ten communities and we didn't really explain how we defined people who were in in communities. Well, right. Okay, so for anybody who's not familiar with

this, because this comes up quite a bit and I want to just arm all the atheists listening for this one if they encountered. Okay, so studies have shown that people who are regular church attendees are healthier and live longer, right? Now, part of this is because if you're not super healthy, it's hard for you to rank you in a willing attend church. But the important thing is that all these advantages disappear when you go to like, people who are super religious, but don't attend a church.

And they also disappear if you compare them to atheists who have a weekly type of community group that they go to, like people who go to like, CFI meetings, or Saudi assemblies, or something like that, that would all disappear, right? So yes, there's a huge advantage health wise to being part of a group of people that will help take care of you as you get older. That's it. It's also cross-denominational. Like it also works for like Buddhist monks, so it's not like God's looking out for everybody who shows up in a certain place in a circle

God doesn't love gatherings Right exactly but of course the Christians love to throw this out as no no people who go to church are healthier and Stephen Baldwin's face disproves that entire argument So The studies you just look at Stephen Baldwin's school, which is made of 90% flesh-colored Play-Doh. And you know that that's bullshit. If God would let that happen to him,

what is your hope? You don't make bad movies for God, yeah. Yeah, we get Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. Who do you got? Yeah, exactly. So now we cut back to Victor. Remember the suicidal kid that this movie isn't about who shows up at Becky's house just

Baggen for the V. Yeah, and he basically acts like suicidal thoughts are turning into a werewolf I don't want to hurt you or anyone else. I need to chain myself to a tree Yeah, no that this movie's idea of what it's like to have depression is amazing. Yeah, having depression is all about going and telling people that you're very depressed and explaining your symptoms to them in detail. That's how depression works. He just needs a bigger dose of comic books. I think he would be happy.

Quick, he needs 10 CCs of Spider-Man's back. Hahaha. Also, the little Christian girl's reaction to this is she goes, but I forgave you. Remember? And he's like, yeah, for some reason, your forgiveness didn't cure my depression. Bye.

Yeah. And again, we're supposed to be looking at this movie and thinking, last thing that kid needs is anti-depressants, right? No, you're not fucking right. So she runs after him after he shows up and basically says there will be a suicide attempt in the near future But now we need to go back to the meeting where evil atheist dad number one is showing up to interrupt Stephen Baldwin's Saliloquie about his dad wife and how much Jesus is awesome or whatever Saliliqui about his dead wife and how much Jesus is awesome or whatever to give him a what for about his son Running off and thinking he can use the Bible instead of medication, right? But instead of

If I'm voicing that he just comes in and is like your daughter made my son depression Yeah, so they they're like you know trying to figure out where they could be because they know that they're together And she forgot her phone when she ran off or whatever and he's like they're probably at Jefferson park And I'm like what's the worst thing that could happen at Jefferson park guys come on. Oh, he's gonna add nonner To add none It's a verb Also while they're driving around the atheist dad's like you know We had a nice quiet all atheist neighborhood before you and your wife moved in, just sucking and fucking and teaching our kids to murder people who's great. Who's fucking great.

Fucked it all up. But we also get the, so it cuts over to the, the daughter like still running around. Look, I'm like, she left the house three seconds after him, but yet she's running to find number whatever This happens for the rest of the movie because whenever he's not in her sightline this girl doesn't have object permanence Because whenever he's not in her sightline she immediately starts being like Right, yes, she runs like eight feet later to catch up with him or whatever But also can we just talk about what a bizarrely buikolic backdrop this scene has right? Because they're standing in front of a duck pond while he's contemplating suicide. It's like, I'm gonna jump into the duck pond. The pond. The pond.

What duck just turns to him? Excuse me, this isn't for you. This is our pond. Do you want some bread? You seem bummed. You should take your medication. I'm a duck. I'm a duck. I'm a duck.

And he's angrily skipping rocks. That's not an appropriate action. It's like angrily twisting up balloon animals. Pistol. Your mother fucker, take this doggy. It's a bird on a wire. Well, he does get garbage can kicking mad at one point, though. So there's at least that. And so yeah, now they're going to, they're driving around looking for the kids or whatever, Stevie and evil atheist dad number one. And Stephen Baldwin is like, now your son is mentally ill. So is he going to, is he going to hurt my daughter? And I'm like, oh, yeah, that's's a great That's a great image to reinforce right there that people who have depression are violent murderers

Yeah, I heard your kid has depression. That's the same thing as as the guy who ate the face of the bath salts, right? When will we be able to reclaim her body from his organ? Do I got a wait for him to poop her out? Herchor kid has 80D. Don't let him near anything sharp. Steve involvement. Don't worry, Baldwin. I never opened my eyes up because I'd see myself.

Also, I love to, like the dad the evil atheist dad at one point goes like no I know this is bad because he left a suicide note I'm like it you probably could have brought that up right away lead with that that's priority one before you say how nice The neighborhood was before he and his wife move Yeah, right Also, this is where we cut to the kids and they're literally doing the megan sketch from key and peel like she's following him and she's like Victor Dole Victor and she's like no Just for like 12 minutes she just follows them and she's like Victor Victor

Well, okay, so yeah, she's trying to talk him out of his depression And he tells her that he's that he's gonna kill himself himself and she goes, well, if you kill yourself, you don't go to heaven. Really? That's what you got. Yeah, the Bible's all about suicide prevention. Well, except when the main character committed suicide, everyone else so I learned that. Spoilers. Yeah. She's all scared and teemed. Most of these people haven't read it. Yeah. Or heard of it. Or even seen one before. She also tells him that she says, God answers prayers in all different ways. Like for me, he killed my mom tricky, right? Like,

think you one. That's a thinky one. But just, you know, it'll be fine. Right. And her response when he's response to that that is God never says anything back to me like Dude, no one has sold that that's how prayer works. No one has sold that prayers a walkie talk Well, I wouldn't say no one but yeah, yeah, exactly there are a few African pastors I'm sure that would probably sell you one So now we show up at this okay We show up at this bridge that he's going to throw himself off of. And again he gets there by running away from her when they're standing

next to each other somehow. Like he lost her again in a crowd of zero people in a wide open park and then she's like oh you're straight ahead of me you were straight ahead. I swear. I'm in a broad deal straight ahead. I have a look straight ahead from there and this bridge is About a foot taller than he Yeah, right if if he falls from his full height He's done the jump that this character is threatening to kill him somewhere. Yeah, I broke my leg doing that when I was a kid Yeah, well that's what that's the thing. Yes, this is an ankle breaking type of jump if you don't roll out of it or Spiral fracture if you're a little bit heavier whatever

I'm just saying we could set a patreon goal for me to jump off this bridge I'm okay I don't need my legs anymore there's also this great moment where he's like I've vandalized your dad's classroom I must stop before the monster vandalizes again. Right. It's like fucking M. It's just no hope for him. Yeah, but she wants, so he stands up on the railing. So now he's like almost twice as high because he's on top of the railing, but she wants him to pray with her before he commits suicide. So she starts praying to God for him to not kill himself and Then he doesn't kill himself. So there is God turns out there was a God the whole time clever little twist I bet I can't suck my own dick here. You try it of prayer

Can't reach your right your turn Science If that won't return my Facebook message So much for side babe I'm just just like push him over the edge of the bridge and I'm like see you're fine I prayed for you and it's six feet see right also yeah Christianity works stung didn't it and then we so and and right at the same time that he's like deciding not to jump or whatever the dads are walking up So now we get some very awkward hugs where both Lorenzo Lamis and Stephen Bowling seem way too happy to hug these underage Actors that they're working with right and Lorenzo Lamis is very clear

Jesus tattoo is only barely concealed by his t-shirt like you can see the thorns you can see the cross There's just like a crucifix picking up from underneath and he's like no nope nope. I got this tiny t-shirt covering half of it There could I could be any guy nailed to a tree With a with a thorny crowd. Yeah, I know I got it when I was standing upside down at the tattoo places That's an atheist thing you wouldn't understand. I lift my arm up a lot. So yeah, so and now we're gonna we're gonna finish this movie off with one last trip to Bible club. Victor, Garnier Fruitie says now the Bible Club leader. So he's gonna read him the whole God is your armor. Jesus is your shield thing from Ephesians. From Ephesians, which is not on the last fucking page of the Bible.

Just one time. Just, get it right. Go to the right page. Why, I mean, if you're doing it, why not actually read the Bible if that's what your character is doing? Like, it's like they memorized the lines from the Bible, but then they're like, I'm going to improvise the opening of the book. I'm going to go crazy with that.

What? Also, this is just a crazy moment too. This is shitty, clumsy prose. This is like, this is the first draft of a Lord of the Rings fanfiction. And it is what this movie has to end with, right? Because they're just like, oh, let your hat, if righteousness and the coat of not jerking off in public, like it's just so boring and stupid,

and this movie has to be like, wow, poetry. Like Shakespeare took angry shits and came out with better pros than this stuff, but they have to act like this is what we got. It's this or the, I really want to fuck you, poems. What do you got for me? Well Shakespeare had a bunch of other people taking shits for him, so.

So. That's. I am not having this fight with you on air. That's. That's. That's. That's. And how many things, how many times do you think they had to recut this scene because he would finish

the passage and then Stephen Baldwin would come out and be like, and that's a wrap. No, Stephen. No. That's. It's off the mic. He takes his mic out from his shirt. No, let go of the boom, Steven.

Let go of it. Let go of it. Well, right, because we have to end this with Lekos, so he gets done with this little reading. And oh, by the way, everyone's dad also comes to Bible Club at the high school now, too. Yeah. That's weird, but as do a variety of other adults

we've never met, this place is fucking packed and they couldn't, I guess, get enough high school age kids or whatever, so the end and just start filling it in with random characters from earlier. Everybody in the malls there. Yeah, right. Right. You know, in Obi-Wan, yeah.

So, yeah, so they get to the end of his little reading and they clap for him for like 29 minutes like forever, right? The movie like slowly ends here with everybody clapping unrealistically by Ted Talk standards And then they close it out with some music from American Family Radiohead So you know all the thumbs are down and none of the stars. So now that we have that over with, I want to close with a suggestion, right? Okay, so not a sequel necessarily, but like an idea for this production company where they could go next. So you guys have any ideas for like terrible medical advice, movie scripts that you'd

like to pitch to the to the national group who uh... okay what about uh... but a little league coach who uh... gets his whole town to stop taking vaccinations and uh... and we watched them die slowly of measles uh... wake field of dreams uh... how about uh... one man realizes that his local Buddhist temple

has found the secret to curing cancer and its salt pills, Brazinski's Buddhists. Mm-hmm. Um, yeah, yeah, so we can just go ahead and write those in on the notes for 2017. And while that does it for our review of God's Club, that's not gonna do it for the episode just yet, because we still need to make you want to shout for next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. The unexpected Bar Mitzvah.

Finally. Oh, we've been waiting on this one for a while. Yeah, first line of this preview. This shows a little kid looking at his parents and saying, that's why I've chosen to witness to the Jewish community. That was the nicest way they're gonna say Jewish people for the rest of the world. It's also really weird to watch, because we've watched a bunch of racist portrayals, but it's really weird to watch a Jew face in action. Because this is very clearly actors being like,

well, I want the Jew to be well represented in this move. Like they're hiding their 88 tattoos to really nail this. They're applying some Stanisławski here. What would it be like to be on the outside of the oven? I mean, the inside. Yeah, I gotta say, my jaw has never been more a gay, but a preview for one of these movies This is gonna be fucking amazing. I was honestly more blown away by this than the preview for loving the bad man

Yeah, I cannot fucking wait for next week. I mean, I I don't know how excited the audience is I've never been more excited about a new episode So with all that to look forward to we're gonna bring episode 56 to a merciful close Once again, huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful, and thereby earn early access to every episode. You can also help us out a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms.

And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating atheists and the skepticrat available on iTunes, Stitcher, and Wherever Else Podcast Live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodawfulMovies at gmail.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slott, Nekovil, Draft Sun Mars, and was used with permission. If you like what you hear here more by following the link down the show notes to this episode. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen, right? Neely Bosnick, I'm Noel Luzon's Promise, and to work harder on another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Netflix got sued when investigators found out that the masked saint and this movie were

the last two things watched by Chris Benoit. Victor was sentenced to death for the Boston Marathon bombing. The people in that room never stopped clapping. They just clapped and clapped until they starved to death. Take your fucking make up. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2016, all rights reserved.