God Awful Movies - 58: GAM058 Time Changers

Episode Date: September 27, 2016

On this week's episode, Noah, Heath and Eli team up for an atheist review of Time Changers; a cinematic exploration of the dumbest possible use of a time machine.

What the fuck was that? He, that was the ad, dude. We do ads now. Wait, what? That's bullshit. Nobody told me we were selling out, like fucking sellouts. No, we did tell you. Do we had two announcements on the air? We asked everybody on Facebook and Patreon. We literally had a hundred percent positive response. Well, I'm not on Facebook and nobody told me on my space, so... Oh, okay. pin in that. But you know you can still get the ad-free version early

if you go to patreon.com and support the show. I don't know what that is. You guys are sell outs. It used to be awesome, but now you're just in it for the money. I don't want to pay for the show. Dude, nobody is asking you to pay for the show. The show is still 100% free

for hundreds of thousands of people, but patrons get the sometimes extended commercial free edition and they get it early. Well, I don't want to have to listen to it on pantomime. I want to listen on my phone like I always do. Well, that's no problem because Patreon just added an audio RSS feed option, which means that as of this week, you'll be able to listen to it the way you always have on any podcast player, commercial free and early. Okay, well, by the fuck having you guys done a skepticrat.

It's coming back in October for the debates, big premiere, and then through election season, just like we promised. Okay. Do you feel better now? Yeah, Yeah. Does the RSS food work with a walkman? Oh, for fuck's sake. Let's just tell him yes. I just got a new walkman upgraded to the disc man. With the bass boosts. Hi, this is Andrew Torres, legal counsel for Puzzle in a Thunderstorm LLC, the parent company

that owns and produces God Awful Movies. If you're a regular listener to the show, you know that Eli likes to make outrageous jokes in the form of statements like Carly Fiorina killed her daughter. But if you haven't, you might be slightly misled by some repeated statements about criminal behavior by the Cristiano brothers in the show that follows. So let's be clear. Nobody at Puzzle in a Thunderstorm thinks that the Cristiano brothers have committed to me crimes. Enjoy the show. Excuse me, I walked into the bathroom and I noticed that there was a sign there. Women who have their estrus are not instructed to leave the village. Do you not have a giant cup that you make them wear sort of a half diaper, half hatchery?

Trying to figure out this whole view from there. Where do you go to church? That's all I'm curious about. I'm a science teacher. Yeah, mine's. Not awful. Movie. Movie. Welcome back to the Gamcast. We're each week we sample another selection from Christian Cinema because if it turns out we're wrong we want to be acclimated to hell. I'm your

host Noah Luzonz and sitting to my immediate left is my good friend Heath and right Heath. Welcome back to the present. I'm very exciting And money money you gotta believe in Jesus money money Oh early and often will be the back to the future references this weekend Sittig 81 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnich Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? I'm pretty good. I don't have the rickets. I don't know if anyone's mentioned how great it is, not to have the rickets. I'm gonna bring that up a couple times. Oh, if only we could go back in time to 2001 when they were writing this script and tell them about the fact that we eventually cured the rickets.

So, as though we haven't told them enough, tell us what will we be breaking down today. All right, we watched Time Changer. It's about a seminary professor from the late 1800s who uses a solar powered time machine and does not use it to kill Hitler. No, nope, nope. Instead, he uses it to teach an extremely immoral morality lesson about Jesus to some dude he works with. That's how they use a time machine for 99 minutes in this movie. Who already believes in Jesus. Right, right. Exactly. And Eli, how bad was this movie?

Well, if you love time travel movies, but you hate the stakes, then you will love this movie. This is the movie version of using a teleporter to go home and get your keys. And what? The rest of this movie, there's gonna be about 20 minutes of us explaining the con, the conceit of this movie, and it's one sentence. Guy goes into the future to realize that they don't have enough Jesus comes back realizes that Jesus is super important And the rest of this movie for me was just watching a man not learn anything from the future except they let girls show their tips nowadays That's pretty much yet and no, okay So I told you yesterday because you were running a little late

We had a birthday party for for Eli on Friday But before we recorded and everything and I told you yesterday, because you were running a little late. We had a birthday party for, for ELA on Friday, right before we recorded and everything. And I told you last night, I was like, this was the easiest to get through movie that I feel like we've ever watched. Did you find that to be true? Yes, absolutely. It's like walking through a haunted house.

You can power through a haunted house, because each room is new and exciting and a different kind of horror. And that's what this movie was. Each time you turn around, there's a new level of, I can't believe this is what they think a time travel movie is greeting you at the next door. Oh god I had so much fun with this one because it was actually like, you know, it was paced like a movie more or less. It was shot like a movie. There were real actors here and there and stuff like

that. But then just what was actually happening on screen was so bizarre that I was never at a loss for notes. Yeah. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? So I'm going to start with the obvious one. Can we go with worst use of time travel? We're going to talk about that quite a bit. I think the use of time travel in this movie is to convince a man who already believes that Jesus Christ is his savior and that Christianity is super dupes important to think that not only can you be moral

but you can only be moral because of Jesus. That is the sole use for a time machine in this movie, except spoiler at the very end when he attempts to send a Bible into the end time. Those are the two uses he came up with with a fucking time. Fantastic. Yeah, yeah quite amazing. And Heath anything you got? I'm going to, best worst, understanding of what things are modern things. It's great. About half this movie is that nonsense crocodile-dundee thing. Yeah, right.

About a guy who travels 100 years in the future. But when he gets there, he's fascinated by running water. It's so stupid. And I have to say, and we'll get to this particularly at the beginning of act three, but this one I want to nominate for being the best at sucking its own dick. I have never seen a movie suck its own dick before, but this one gets balls to chin. So like, because basically, ultimately, this entire movie is about how important this movie is.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's weird to get meta and not get it. It's not just to break the fourth wall and turn around and be like, we're nailing this! We're nailing this! If I showed up in your car right now as you listened to podcasts and I popped up and I was like, funny, aren't I? That would be a weird thing for me to do.

Don't look around, I'm not there. I'm not there. You live in Texas, I'm not going there. I'm not going to your state. Or are we? Or am I? Am I? Yeah, so eventually.

And I have to say, just a secondary one, most randomly motivated villains in the history of film. Yeah, there's no reason for any of this. Well motivated, but weirdest actions. Like, there's definitely moments where you're like, oh, okay, I can see why a normal person would be concerned by that. It's like, hey, man, that guy over there keeps throwing a brick at that window.

What do you want to do? Rape him? Yeah, the greatest. We're like, no, no, no, no, no, there are ways to react to a regular behavior, but you're not doing it. That's not how one addresses a suspicious person. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, us to break this one down so we'll keep the break brief and when we come back we'll dig into all the parochial tunnel vision of time changers. The Cristiano Brothers raped a girl in 1989. Nope, nope, try it again.

It's not. Fuck, I didn't do it. Wait, what are you guys doing? Oh, well, after watching this week's movie, me and Heath were thinking and we invented a time machine. Nope, still not it. Oh, really? No, it's a cam.

It's calibrated, wrong or something. Okay. Wait, you invented a... a... a time machine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It uses light sonogram information succubus. What? Ah, still no. It's not... You are kidding me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, nightmare. Keep going. Keep going. Wait, wait, wait, a whole lot of... What was that? What are you guys looking for? And what have you found? Oh, nothing yet. Just a boring science shit. He grabbed a copy of War Room 3, though. It's in Spanish. Spanish gets super popular, I guess. War Room 3? Okay, what are you guys looking for?

Three okay, what are you guys looking for? Found them dude finally okay, do they make them in Asian dude in 3024 There's a new race way hotter than Asian and they make them in that oh no wait, okay move over move over Okay, both of us three two one They went into the future for fuckable robots didn't I? Fuckable robots, didn't they? Fuckable robots. God damn it. Well, oh man, Shaq is gonna be in War Room 3? That's too bad, I like Shaq.

And we're back for the breakdown of yet another film from the men who put the anus back in Christianos. And we're gonna start- They shot you, I have cake. And they raped a girl in 1989. They didn't, well they may have, I believe, these are like this. It's been a life. I had done sufficient research to believe.

It's a rape to girl in 1989. It's been alleged by a number of podcasters, Heathquick, back me up. They used a delorean to rape her in my haha haha so so we're gonna start this flick off with a title sequence that made me think of the crappy live-action serial that announced the Saturday morning

cartoons were over and it probably would have been called time changer too also by the way i'm terrified of the christiano brothers my two big spheres are religious people and male twins these guys are literally my nightmare I do not I won three some gone wrong and he has a very specific set of fear Although I got admit I was so relieved after the last couple of movies to see credits that weren't made in after effects or IDDD that I was like whoa what is this?

I'm sorry am I watching Godfather? I think I turned on the wrong movie. Also they had like real-ish music. My music note here is fuck you God awful movies. We spent money on real instruments this time. Really? Well mine was just that the movie was taking, or the music rather was taking itself way too seriously

and that will continue throughout the film. This is when severely overscored flick But yeah, compared to what we normally deal with it's fucking Mozart. Oh, I would pay all the money in the world to watch the Cristiano Brothers lie to the real orchestra they pay to do the movie for this like oh cool Yeah, totally we can do that. Oh, what's the movie about time travel? Yeah, yeah, how come I haven't seen any other movies? Can you list them? I can't off the top of my head Your movies you can't list them nope No, I can't because I raped a girl in 1989

So now we're gonna we're gonna start the movie off with the subtitle the year 1890 Not the number one thousand specifiers we're talking about a year the year okay dumbed it down for all the all the folks of watching and we're watching and we're gonna start off on the innocence twins playing marbles in the yard in like bell hop suits yeah these kids are wearing more articles of clothing than I own in my time. There's so many layers. Take off your outer vest.

Wow. And I know this is a movie thing, but man, could this not be any less 1890? They look like a man house, huh? What is this? Aluminum sighting. So, and it's very visible generator at the back. So, okay, so in the IMDB page for this there is one item listed under the trivia

And it's that those are three actual old houses. Oh, there's actually two items listed under the trivia No, you must have missed this one. Oh, is there a second one is that the Cristiano Brothers I should mention that I threatened to take that out on the advice of my lawyer. After we recorded the A segment and Eli's like, oh no the fuck you won't know. There just won't be an episode apparently. And just going to go in and redact so much of this piece. It's just going to be like half beeps. Couldn't hear this week's episode guys.

I was real professional. So, the kids are playing marbles and then all of our twists sneaks up to steal a couple of them. Yeah, and we can tell, this is Roger. And Roger is the poor kid of the neighborhood. And we can tell Roger's poor because he has a single smudge of brown dirt on his white cheek. Yes, done. Chimney sweep. And when he's sneaking up on the kids, I just wrote in my notes, this was this blonde has a single smudge of brown dirt on his white cheek. Yes, done.

Chimney sweep. And when he's sneaking up on the kids, I just wrote in my notes, this was this blonde kid's first kill. I like that we're getting the beginning of this story. Yes. But unfortunately, he just swipes a bunch of marbles and runs off and bearded Derby man catches him.

Yeah. This will be our hero. And this is Carllyle, right? So Carlyle for you need it. He has a baby face and a Lincoln beard. I call him alternatively Bay Blinken and a ventriloquist dummy of an Amish person. So if you're looking for a description. And I can't possibly do it justice, but but the the 1890s speak lines in this movie and it's fucking hilarious throughout they just randomly don't use contractions or whatever. They break it to Shakespeare and then like Latin. They say they have no idea when

1890 was second only to my Australian accent in realism. Yeah they will will. Are we in 1890, bro? Are we in fucking 1890? Right now? Are we in fucking 1890? 90? About? In 1890. Oh, crazy billionaire remake of this movie already.

I want Mark Wahlberg to play all the characters. It's a Mark Wahlberg. One man show. We mounted off Broadway. We can make this happen. I got it. Go fun me. Oh, it Oh slash Mark Walberg time-term I gotta tell you this movie has moved to the top of my list of movies to crazy billionaire money. Oh, it's so easy to yeah

Right, who for a lot of reasons so yeah, so he he scolds this little kid tells him not to Play marbles and then we cut to a dead man in a chair. Okay, he's sleeping, but he looks dead at first He's dead. Yeah captain's tubing Okay, he's sleeping, but he looks dead. At first, he's dead. Yeah. Captain Stubing. Yeah, Captain Stubing. It's Captain Stubing, Gavin McLeod, yeah. And now we get what I think we can all agree is the most riveting scene, not just in this movie, but in all of Sino, which is the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, talking

about whether or not they're going to blurb the back of a book. Yes. The whole seat is crazy. It looks like dogs dressed as former president's plane sugar. That's approximately what's happening. If you just look at it. And they spend 20 minutes explaining the process by which grace Bible college blurbs a book. It's like if you want to blurb, it's trial by combat. Except for nothing interesting, right? Yeah, exactly. It's like if fucking Thunderdome had just been bureaucratic. Yeah, it's literally, it's like the opening scene of reservoir dogs if they didn't have anything to talk about. You know, if they were all just shit, they're gone. So how are the fries?

Yeah. I should have got fries with this snow. Exactly. It's before Mr. Pink showed up them just being like, oh, I should get a salad. No, I mean, I don't, I don't want to be a guy who diets, but at the same time, it's like I'm getting older and I can see my body changing. Look at me, talking about food, huh? They're supposed to be here at two or two 30.

I'm not mad, they're only 10 minutes late if two. I just want to know. Is it rude to order without them? They all look like the world's first team of hipster bartenders with the... They should be yelling about garnishes on saloon rescue Gentlemen, we don't make mojitos Yeah, so they're they're talking about writing a blurb on

Carlyle the main character. He's written a book and he wants the Bible seminary that he works for to put a blurb on it So they're talking about that but they're also talking about that old dead guy that we saw in the chair who is noris um... who some people think may be delirious now that he's been ill or whatever and he's apparently he's the missing extraordinary gentleman from this table right and i'm just trying to imagine the christianna brothers just sitting around around in a writing room in the year two thousand which again is eighteen years after they raped a girl and saying what do people want to watch in a movie and the answer was old mother fuckers complimenting a book we haven't read and isn't real yeah right well I found it to be quite well well I found it to be a little blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah then Norris shows up. Captain Stubing shows up unexpectedly from his illness and doesn't seem to

like the book as much as all these other Yokels. Yeah. Well, Captain, Mr. Norris, Professor Norris wants to talk to, um, Bayblaham Lincoln. Alone. Yeah. Alone. When someone insists on privacy that many times you caught a disease from his penis go in the other room Absolutely, I wrote this conversation doesn't end with we have ains that is a very strange way to behave Recipless, I think in 1890, but yeah, yeah exactly exactly And and by the way the problem that Norris has, that we find out right here, the book that Carlisle wrote says that we should teach Christian morality to everyone, but it doesn't specify that you need to specifically

have the word Jesus literally contained in each sentence. That's the problem of this movie actually. Well, right, that's Norris' problem and that is going to be the stakes of this movie actually. Well, right, that's Norse's problem and that that is going to be the stakes of this film. Is it enough to be moral if you're not also Christian? Right, it's basically, but it's even weirder than that. It's like, it's not enough just to be like stealing is wrong. You have to say stealing is wrong

or you will melt in fire. Right, you can't just say. And they take a moment where the guys like, what about people from other religions? And he's like, fuck those assholes. Got it. Sounds good. 1890, we're allowed to say that. Good thing it's not 2001,

and we should know that. There's also a fantastic moment in this conversation where he vaguely intimates that it's plagiarism, not to quote all moral ideas as having belonged to God. Like always when we say to be or not to be we quote Shakespeare So when I'm like stop fucking that cantaloupe Eli, I have to say Hashtag that was God right right and like not Ibbid you can't just keep saying Ibbid Jesus say out the footnote That's that's the problem.

And look, we are not exaggerating at all. At one point in this conversation, the guy even says it would be better not to tell a child that it's wrong to steal, that the tell him it's wrong to steal without telling him it's because it would make Jesus cry. Right, because if you never give a child any moral lessons and they find Jesus, it's better than if you raise a good person who doesn't find Jesus.

That is the real serious argument of this fucking movie. Absolutely. And this is what we're going to employ time travel to prove. Ah. Yeah. And these people look, they cannot even sound reasonable in their own fucking movies Even when you place this in the 1890s in a Bible seminary you have to have the character sitting around going I don't know nor is that sounds kind of stupid to me

Here's an actual quote a man can have good morals his whole life But I think we all know he goes to hell when he dies. Yeah, that's the good guy in this movie says that in minute eight That's the premise of this movie. And then the movie proves that premise. Apparently. Right. Well, which makes Jesus the bad guy in this fucking movie? So yeah.

And then they start, he starts quoting all this little world's going to shit statistics in the imaginary 1890s. And then I guess Hannibal, lecturing a go T adjourns the meeting until they can sort out Norris' issues with the book So now we cut to it basically the same goddamn scene add one Because now we've got a Carlisle in his in his classroom finishing up from class and Norris comes in and he's like Hey, you go you want to talk like we did in the last scene and we'll do in the next scene? He's like, hey, you want to talk? Like we did in the last scene and we'll do in the next scene. Right.

And basically, we get to watch this character enact every time your girlfriend's mad at you but doesn't want to talk about it. Are you mad? No, I'm not mad. Do you want to talk about it? I don't want to talk about it. So then you're mad.

No, I don't want to talk about it and I'm not mad. Come over here. You're just so mean to my friends. Yeah, but that's the thing is that Norris wants a car allow to come to his house. You know, he's like, no, I have an issue with your book and you have to come to my house to understand what it is. You must come to my house. You must come to my house who have to see what my daughter can do with a cat. I could describe it to you here, but you'll think I'm shitting you. Just come

to my house. And multiple time. This is going to happen in multiple scenes, but this is the first time it happens. The character turns to him and goes, and if I don't come, and the other character is like, uh, come though. You have to, you have to I must. I'll fucking find you. So she has those are his real words. You must. Yeah. Yeah. And he's like, well, why can't we just keep talking about it right now? We're here talking about it in the same room It's 1890. I'd be like a three-day steamship to get to your house We just know has to be my house. Yeah on the riverboat oranges

Not gonna tell you why but I have a tip from the future oranges are important and and so it the movie could just get going from here right he could just go to this guy's house and we could start the fucking movie but instead we're gonna dilly dally around for a good 25 fucking minutes while we decide whether or not we're gonna go to this guy's house where he's got his fucking time machine so instead now we're gonna cut to Russell talking with that dude from office space. Yeah Teddy Roosevelt inventor of the jump to conclusions. Yeah, that's it. That's it. Yep. Although the advantage here is we also in this scene get to meet his wife. Oh yeah. And I'm convinced that at some point in this movie they needed a co-chain chicken, but instead they just decided to have the co-chain chicken play his wife.

She's literally little grouse on the prairie. I think that's Gavin McCloud's wife, actually. Or one of the characters is. Really? Yeah. So yeah, so he chats with the office of Space Guy, and then we go to his house where he like, you know, he bitches it his wife about Norris being such a dick

and comes to the conclusion that perhaps Norris is just insane, which he is, spoiler alert, he is. Yeah, in any movie but this one, he is, he is, exactly. No, no, I can send you to the future to learn about tits. So yeah, so he decides to go to the dean because fuck Norris, he doesn't want to go to his house. He wants to go over Norris's head and get an exception to the rule that says, you know, whatever,

that all the people have to agree before they can blurb a book. Yeah. So just to reiterate, the central conflict of this plot is based on the idea that people won't buy theology books in 1890 unless they have the grace, Bible, seminary, seal of approval, endorsement on the back. That's... And we're supposed to really give a fuck about that. Well, to be fair, he had to journey to the bottom of the sea to be on the featured list on Barnes & Noble's website, so it was a whole fucking thing.

So now, and I love this bit too, because he's talking to the dean of the dean, he's like, no, no, no, the Unanimity rule is important or whatever and he's like well What if Norris is insane? Did you ever think of that and then the Dean just like kind of goes off the fucking rails? How dare you he took the loveliest shit on the floor right here this morning Told me it would keep the demons away And there haven't been any demons. So, but, but, so the Dean kicks him out,

but then we get a really quick scene where office-based guy is saying, well, you know what, if a 75% majority can override any policy, so let's try that. So then we cut immediately back to the Dean, while he suggests that, instead of him just suggesting it, while he was already in the scene with the God damn Dean. Well, they promised Wilford Brimley Jr. scenes of the movie he was gonna get those two scenes it

actually wasn't for the money he did the second day for free it was for the craft services my homerine can't get a job in the NFL at the moment he needed some time so yeah so he takes this proposal to the dean which is apparently easier than going to this dude's house and he doesn't like the idea but you know, but, you know, he doesn't have any choice the dean does, I guess. And then, of course, we have to go back to the house more so that he can bitch to his wife again so that this movie can take longer to start. Yeah. This is the, this is like if there had been four scenes at the beginning of back to the future where Marty argued with his mom about whether or not he should go help out doc on

Saturday night. They are totally meaningless scenes just like I don't know mom. Doc's a little weird. Well think about it. We watch him go to sleep, wake up. I've still been thinking about whether I should go help out doc. I mean I'm really falling behind at school. Well that's up to you Marty. Seven scenes later. All right doc, what do you need help with Tony Martin's yeah it will it it's very clear that they just didn't have a movie's worth a movie here so they drag this fucking opening out so now we get him he finally goes to see Norris who wants him to look in his barn as if this wasn't creepy enough and I wrote my notes I want him to have a Filipino boy chained up in his barn so bad. Literally, as he's walking in there, he goes, you never met my father before he died,

but this is where I keep his bothers. He's ever running. Come on, I'm going to make you eat a part of him. I was sure there's going to be a casco of a Monteado and there's somewhere. I just wanted him to get run over by Delorean and credits It flies in, oh shit, okay, they just back the Delorean back out and the movie's over It's your kid's money! Caitlin Jenner's in trouble! Big killed someone with a car and so did she, she's in the money

Equally good driver, same He didn't rape anybody in 1989. So women drivers, am I right? Space time continuum. Get you every time. So he goes into the barn. And as he's going in the barn, Captain Stooping is explaining that his dad was an inventor and they invented a time machine together. And I love this moment here where he tells him he's like, you know, what is that? And we're gonna just like steam punky time machine thing. And he goes, these are the exact words. It's a singularity, chrono displacement device. And I'm writing to my notes, it's a science word, oh, mad. That's exactly what I wrote. It's a science word.

And this is where I want Billy Pilgrim to show up and just beat the shit out of all. I got unstuck idiots. See assholes. Yeah, eventually we walked to pass the show. Damn it. Yeah, right. And they so he explains, hey, I went forward in time. And the guys like, oh, did did you uh? Do you bring back any future technology like vaccines or you know super fast cars or hospitals or Sanitation and he's like no no no um things can't go back in time but they can go forward Cuzz and then come back and yeah, right they they they have this really just ham-fisted effort to to make the whole fact that he doesn't have an iPhone Make sense. I'm not I'm not improvising this there. This was all written in the script. They're because they didn't exist yet

Even though I don't exist yet in the future so the not existing thing would probably be a problem in both There's a reason I didn't break back any vaccines. I didn't bring back any vaccines because I couldn't not cuz Jesus is more important Also, you learn how they weren't never mind never mind. You know what never mind. Just getting the time shackles. I mean The fight they have is so funny. He's like seriously. Let me shoot you with this giant laser steam punk time machine and send you in the future He's like no, don't be a dick. Just let me do it. No, it like might not be chasing him around with this dick It's like the same thing. It's like your older brother I'm not gonna shoot you with a time laser hard just all that you get me twice after I get you the first time

And then of course Ros Russell gets in the time machine and the movie starts, oh wait, no he fucking doesn't. We're gonna worry about the blurb for another 15 minutes. So he leaves, because this movie needs to take its time, warm us up for the time travel. So now instead we cut to the next day where Russell is teaching class. Right, and he's explaining to his students

who are all dressed like Ike a bad craneane. Students, remember, make sure that your science matches up with the scripture because the best way to be a good scientist is to match your science to the scripture. I'm this is good advice. We should put this in the movie. Script note, no guys take this out of the movie. I'm not shooting it this way. Don't say this out loud waving at you Alan stopped talking Put this in his script. We very clearly told him not to memorize that Did you hide the body? We raped a girl in

Yeah, no that this is the exact line. He says, remember kids, scientific, or scientific findings don't make the Bible true. Scripture needs no varic- verification. I'm like, I could do an entire episode on that throwaway line. They just need to establish he was teaching a thing in a class and that's what they went with. Wow! Un-fuckin' real. And then of course, Norris comes to see him after class because, you know, one Norris coming to see him in his classroom and having an aborted conversation scene is never enough. Yeah, he comes in and reminds him, hey, I'm really expecting you at eight and he's like, I'm not going to be there and he's like, I'll see you at a night at eight.

Dating an Italian guy this movie. Jesus. And then we get Dr. Weisman, the office space guy coming to tell him that all the other professors agree that Norris is being a duty head, so they want to change the policy because this matters. But it might be too late because the, you know, whatever the publisher needs this book now before Jesus goes out of style forever. Yeah, the publisher's daughter is kidnapped in a book about Jesus was the kidnapped to man apparently. By tomorrow, Damnit, well, if I mail it to you,

it'll take eight months and four of the people I send to bring it to you will die. So. So. And then we go to the future. No, we go to his fucking house and watch him breed literally. Yeah, because that's how this goddamn movie works. And what he said, we sit there and watch him read for a second and then he starts having flashbacks

to the last scene. I mean, all Christian movies flashback to themselves quite often, but to the last, we're 24 minutes in and we're flashing back to two minutes earlier. Yeah, I'm just saying I'm still waiting for the Christian movie that flashes back to the scene we're in current. And also by the way they show a newspaper. Yeah. We're going to be like, oh look, it's in the newspaper he's reading from 1890. There's literally a story about a TV station covering a live debate. You got seriously? Giants win four to three.

Dance nighter write about it at this time. Yeah, those are all the right same sports. Anyway, um, yeah, I guess a football score could be four three. That makes sense. The fact that I matched up sports is a me. Giants are actually playing dance nighters team this week. So yeah, you nailed it. You nailed it.

Yeah, my fantasy leagues doing really well. Wait, a sports bro. My fantasize that people let me play fantasy like a double fantasy what i want again oh see you on the chat board so now finally fucking carlile goes to see Norris so he can travel through god damn time in this stupid fucking movie can start. And not even that because at this point, Carlisle is still desperately trying to deny the plot. He's walking around like revving up the time machine and the dude's going, no, no, no, we're not, I'm not going. Yeah, he's just ignoring everything that's being said and just getting the time machine ready.

Why the guys like, no, I'm not clearly not doing this. It's like, Low is talking to stewie, but in reverse He's being strapped into an electric chair. He's just like I don't know. I want you to know. I'm strongly against this Yeah, okay, you know, I'll put the sponge in my mouth, but I want you to know this is not gonna happen Meanwhile his friend without warning him is about to send him in the future. He's like, hey, I'm gonna send you into this alley ask for bubbles Well, I love you're too cuz hey, you know, obviously look Anytime you introduce time travel to a movie you fuck shit up. You're right. You're just inviting in all of these Paradoxes and shit like that, but in one point the guy says you're waiting to the future

But I can't go with you. I haven't figured out how to allow the time machine to let two people go at once And I'm like, well then go before or after to the same time? Why build another time machine? There's multiple ways this could be handled, but yeah, anyway, so oh, and they also I love the the moment where they decide You know, we should probably explain the science of this time machine. It literally is, oh, in case you were wondering, this is solar powered. Solar powered? There's no way you're getting 1.21 gigawatts from 1890 solar panels. I jumped forward and watched a reboot of Star Wars that happens after the good ones, and it turns out you just need to suck all that power out of a sun,

and then you can laser beam it at your friend and he goes into the future, but then the laser beams come back from exactly four days later. Don't worry about it, bye bye. So just make sure you have three metal grill tops spinning like modern art for no reason in there. So you're gonna need that. I gotta say though, I do wanna kinda, I kinda wanna do a room in steampunk time machine now.

I did really like this set. This is why we put ads in the show. No wandering around a steampunk room. Yeah. Actually, it's for retainers for the accusations of rape in 1989. But I'm on a zeppelin. Watching the Cristiano Brothers rape someone far far below. That's crazy.

That's crazy. Also, just wanted to think about this time of crazy. That's crazy. Awesome. Just wanted to think about this time, or she, you got to picture this. There's very clearly three different steam punk penis pumps pointing at this guy's face. Those are the time lasers. That's what it is.

And it's just there with giant fucking laser dicks pointed at his face going, no, no, I don't want to do this whatsoever. But yeah, I wanted so badly for him to just turn into dust and for Norris to be like, ah, God, oh, Jesus, which was a lot more likely than he just invented a laser and melts a guy he disagrees with. Yeah, what a bit of great movie in that sense.

Yeah, in that case. Yeah. Okay, so before he zaps him into the future, he gives him a handful of coins so he can sell him in the future, so he'll have money. And he recommends a good librarian, and then he hits the flux capacitor. Yep.

He gets zapped into the future. Why not just tell him when the Cubs are going to win the World Series? That would be exactly what I'm saying. Exactly. Oh, well, no, that would work. Just 2001. How many of the Cubs are going to win the World Series? There's no one like that. Exactly. Oh, well, no, that would work. Just 2001. How many of the Cubs believe in Jesus? So, it's the important question.

Yeah. So, now it's now, and Russell emerges behind some dumpster yelling for Norris. And I wrote my notes, please be naked Terminator style. Please be naked Terminator style. But no, he's all dressed in his old-timey clothes. Yeah. Here's a weird moment. Please renegade terminator style, but no he's all dressed in his old timey clothes. Yeah Here's a weird moment. He opens his pocket watch and I wrote my notes damn no years setting on my pocket No, but instead he sees a newspaper because that's how time travel movies transmit the date

So last time you better fucking newspaper anyway, so well, yeah So then I guess he's timidly sets out to explore the modern world to sneaky music you don't need to sneak around we still have human people in the 2000s they're gonna have a lot of trouble with this throughout yeah knowing what he shouldn't shouldn't be freaked out by but first he's gonna go to an old coin store so he can see him selling the coin we can't just into it that which he has no problem. This is a man who will later be confused by every single object he comes across, but he's like, excuse me, a rare coin dealer like 1880s, 1890s. I would say early like turn of the century. And she's like, oh yeah, right around the corner on the opposite. Oh, next to Bob's Antiques. Yeah, it's actually

in Bob's Antiques. Okay, great. Just like, Just like zoop again for the rest of this movie he will be fascinated by how a fan door opens But he finds the rare coin dealer no fucking problem. Yeah, right exactly exactly So yeah, so he goes in and he sells his coin and he thanks him for treating him in such a fair and Christian manner And in the coin gallery guys like Wink and Elbow each other. Guarantee you, first draft of the script, they had Yomacus, Garant. Scrooge. Scratched out by the non-Christian

who helped make this movie with them. No. No. Okay, what if they just have the little curly fries? What if they just have the curly fries? And we talked about not saying that. Dollar in the Judaism draw. No. I'm gonna buy everybody on the crew pizza by the end of this. And we talked about not saying that. Dollar in the Judaism drug.

You're gonna buy everybody on the crew pizza by the end of this. Yeah. Dave. And okay, so now we get him checking into his hotel. Now that he's got some money. And I love, okay, so the the the Bellboy brings him in and explains to him how TVs work. Well, you know, like people do at the hotel, they're like, yeah,

you can you can use this television with this remote, you know, just so that we can get him going television remote, you know, but, but why the fuck would anyone, if they didn't suspect you were from 1890, why would anyone tell you the remote works with the television? Yeah, they just be like, here's your room. Bye. But instead, I'm like, he's like, so here's your bed. Which fits two people. You can sleep in this. It's horizontal, it's not vertical. Like you guys used to have an 18, I mean, just, it's flat.

What? See, I think the bellboy was trying to fuck him. He was like, oh my gosh, my shift just ended and here I am in your hotel room. It may have been it. With these pants that just fall right off. At the slightest... Tug.

But instead he's going for the tip and we get the scene where like he's holding out his hand and Russell is too old I mean, Carlyle is too old, I mean, so he doesn't get it, so he shakes his hand instead. Did they not have tipping? Isn't tipping a thing that we've asked for longer than that? Absolutely. It goes back to like Tudor, England, according to Wikipedia or whatever. So yes, tipping is older than the United States by a lot. I think because he was of a different race, he assumed that that was a man-servant slave. Oh, I assume he was going to go back to his quarters. One thing that this movie lacks, a tremendous amount amount of racism which in 1890s character would almost certainly have Right, right. Well, that's why I want a crazy billionaire money this movie so much, you know

I like to give it the same fucking plot, but treat it like it would actually go so every time he encounters a black character Boy, I get off the street Beats all the women that talk back to him and shit. Boy, I get off the street. Beats all the women that talk back to him and shit, yeah, we good. So it's so it's and then he goes out for an early evening on the town so we can get more of the crocodile Dundee comedy. Cause he doesn't know how walking works. Music note and now Carlisle gets into a dance battle. My just my introduction to this scene and the notes is just,

okay, then the black exploitation music starts. Yeah. My music note here was, Future Jazz from 30 years ago. Again, they are so confused by time here. Also, it's really important to point out that this man of science asks no questions and makes no attempt to make the world a better place.

He's just like uh... demon truck demon i would get the fuck away encounters like a motorized car at one point like a little remote control car he just he just you out and power price compels you like there's there's no one you would send into the future less curious or interested in the world around them he's just upset the future right

and why is there a remote control truck in the middle of this street? Like some kids go like, hey, look, guys from 1890, I'm going to fuck with him. I'm driving it around in the middle of a what? Damn it, Brian. Bokyoo. Well, so love the part where he like he comes up to the water fountain and he's so fascinated. I'm like drinking fountains were invented in 1896. He's like, he's marvelvelling over like the next decades. He goes to 2002 to Marvel at shit

that was invented in 1896. Irrigation technology is fascinating. He's like, look at these aqueducts. What are you talking about? To be fair, I think he's more confused about the fluoride he feels in the water. Right. He felt his third eye closing, like they had an off switch.

It's, or one guy, you just need one guy to get that. And also, well, and this was a very poor extras casting decision. Right before he gets like freaked out about the drinking fountain, they show a little black girl using the getting water out of the fountain. So you can't tell if he's fascinated by the fountain or the fact that it's a mesegenated fountain. Right. He's fascinated by the fountain or the fact that it's a miscedulated fountain. Haha, right. I say, it calls over a cup. That colored girl just branches my fountain.

I've seen white streaking from it. You must be from the south. Uh, yeah, no. I get it, man. It's 2000 and we're still used to people like you. But, uh, you're not in Mississippi anymore. Now you gotta go on the internet to say like you. But you're not in Mississippi anymore. Now you got to go on the internet to say that stuff. Right, yeah, you got to go on Twitter to yell at it Eli.

And also we get to see where he's like, he's all freaked out by a lamp. Again, light bulbs already invented an 890. And that's a famous one. Really? And literally there was a lamp in his house earlier I saw a light bulb. He's fascinated by the fact that it's one of those touch lamps. Oh, I Snow, oh, yeah, of all the fucking technology. This is the thing that they came up with right the Chrissiano brothers are like what's an amazing kind of technology? It would really figure this guy out and and and one of them went

Well, the touch lamp still freaks me out a bit. I don't know how, like I think there might be a devil in that. Just the Cristiano's freaking each other out of Halloween with a clapper, just like, okay do it again, but we gotta go to bed, it's almost 8 p.m. We raped a girl in 1989. And then we end of course on a literal pretty woman montage where he goes to get some future clothes.

Oh, and I wanted so badly for him to have like a, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, that's the one moment. Walks out with his arms full of bags. Turns to like a black salesperson who didn't hold the door open for him. Big mistake. And then we learned that my opinion of Paul Rodriguez could sink lower when Russell meets him in a laundromat. Hey guys, they got the guy from Beverly Hills, Chihuahua for this. That's big. That's big. I'm like 90% sure the Cristiano's thought this was Carlos Mensea. Pretty sure. They were probably excited. Yeah, actually funny. In my appearance notes, I have Paul Rodriguez looks like Carlos Mencilla. That's it. He looks like Carlos.

Yeah, so if you're not, if you haven't watched Beverly Hills Chihuahua, Jesus, we might have to break that one. Turn this off and watch Beverly Hills Chihuahua right now. And a little mind of Mencilla. Yeah, right. Yeah, there you go. Good show. Get them side by side. So, and Paul's listening to the game on these crazy, cool, wireless headphones. And this is the first time like he, he bothers to be curious about anything, right?

He walks up to, he's the character's name. And he's like, what is this thing on your head? But what he's really there, and it's, and I thought, okay, finally, we're going to get into the But what he's really there, and I thought, okay, finally, we're gonna get into the hole. He's curious about the future thing, but what he's really there for us to see if fucking Eddie can recommend a good church for him.

Yeah. And then now, no, maybe you can help me because I know you were born in the year 1890 as well. Eddie hands him a giant yellow book of rolling paper. Okay. Is it, is, now in the past? Would you get high and then someone would tell you he asked him to do something with his fingers? Stan it seems like he's got a giant almost like an iPhone. Someone took it and printed it all out

on condoms. I really understand. And analog, I have put it. I love it. They send this character to the future so he can learn how people look shit up in the past. I mean, why wouldn't he just, why wouldn't you just have him have a phone and show it to him? Yeah, this movie's idea of modernity in 2002, the phone book. Anyway, yeah, but of course, the real thing that we have to learn here is that Eddie don't have time for no church um, and that will be I guess important Anyway, it will not no no it won't nothing that happens will be important

Not any of these characters. There's no reason for any of this to happen So he finds a church to go to so now we're gonna cut it a him going to church in the modern day And I just wrote my nose like please let him be snake handler. So please. Oh please Instead he meets the baby of what appears to be Ray comfort and Hitler That's a Hitler clone you can't fool me. I know what a Hitler clone looks like they teach us in Hebrew school How to look for Hitler clones Like 90% Hitler clones 10% the song you have to learn when you're 13 Inside scoop so

You save me all that trouble So yeah, but then but yeah this Hitler clone is telling them all about all the cool stuff that the church does and they have a Movie night with the youth group and basically he's like okay okay so we're gonna have a scene where we do a movie night and then we're gonna have a scene where we go door to door and then we're gonna have a scene where we basically explains the next nine scenes to him or whatever. Although I did say something about there being a sports league or whatever and I really wanted to see fucking Carlisle plan basketball that would have been pretty awesome okay now I watch this movie very Quickly which means that I might have had a psychotic break in this scene

But I need everyone to verify for me that what I saw happened Are you talking about uh Charlton Heston staring at Russell's penis? He turns to his mind that that Charlton Heston is staring at his dick and is like nice Bible. You gonna fuck that It's you ever notice how the Bible's a thin but oh so hard to dare That's literally what this character says yeah, man weird It's and that never comes back No, that at all watch this I look we it's on YouTube We don't tell you to watch all the movies you definitely got to watch some of them

You don't need to watch this entire movie. It's a fun watch put it on at a party But you absolutely need to watch this scene and understand that it never pays off It never comes back. I'm convinced the Cristiano's dad just wandered in off it never comes back. I'm convinced the Cristiano's dad just wandered in and was like, well boys, looks like it's time for daddy to do a scene and they were like, did the voices tell you to? And he was like, sure would. You haven't noticed how the pages of a Bible are like a hit your girl's skin at midnight. I sure do, Mr. Cristiano, can he keep making the movie now? You can, if you can answer my riddle How many fingers in the holding up Three and they're covered in blood and poop

answers three But by It is the most bizarre aside that we have ever seen in a fucking movie, I think Yeah, they're just a weird random serial killer character sitting on the other side of them uh... and then we get the uh... you know we get a quick montage of the service where rustles the only one singing loud and enthusiastically enough for whatever and the preacher looks like a pig skeleton wearing marco rubios to pay

and we get yet we get a very brief excerpt of a the bible is awesome thing and I guess what we're supposed to be getting from this is that Russell a carlile his name is Russell Carlile I have is miss Russell and all may not so Russell is looking around and seeing that people are bored but I couldn't even tell what he was supposed to be looking around and seeing it because we're just shot him we don't see a bunch of people like yawning or listening to music or smoking a crack pipe.

It's just like it's just him his face turning around and being upset. Yeah, right. And we're supposed to infer from that that everyone's not wrapped in the only book in town the way they would be in 1890. I guess. Yeah. I hear he's got words printed on paper up there. But now it's time for more comedy. So we get it. We have to get Russell trying some future food. So he goes to a hot dog vendor. And I don't understand ordering food and

drinks is a thing that's been we've had that again. Why is it good? Right. And a hot dog. It's a fucking sausage. Like what? How are like do I put this in my face all what here's bouncing on my nose no you eat it just like all the food ever now do you insert this in me or do I and see you I can't tell your hat isn't tipped the direction that is customary and now I have a question for you gentlemen when you want to show someone's the protagonist of a movie and a starving child sneaks up and steals their food, what happens? Well, I beast the shit out of her. I'd have him chase her like a pedophile through a park.

Maybe. Chase her down and explain to her that she's going to boil in fire forever, right? Oh, yes, absolutely. Because that's what happens next. This little street urchin girl I guess but it's about to all be negate. It's crazy. But this is what happens in order. Little girl comes up, steals this hot dog, runs away. He chases her down like the six million dollar man. Right? And he's like, I would have let you have that hot dog

if you were hungry. And she's like, nah, I just you have that hot dog if you were hungry and she's like, nah, I just like stealing because no one's ever told me about Jesus. Right. And that's it. You know, he literally goes, don't you know that stealing is a sin and she goes, says who?

Yeah. I wonder if a little girl would be like, well, actually, Socrates was doing moral philosophy centuries before that Jesus guy Is like the reason there's less than no which say right exactly she just pulls down her lower lip She's got six six six tattooed on the bottom. I deny the Holy Spirit runs away It would have been just as unlikely a circumstance and then we get oh, I guess we have to have more comedy Unlikely a circumstance and then we get oh, I guess we have to have more comedy

So now he's gonna go have a word with the department store owner about all these obscene bras on display Well, so the kids are checking out the mannequin's tits which the Eli Bosnick story He comes over and very polite. He's like excuse me. So sorry to bother you. Can you burn that mannequin for being a witch? Like a, I'm upset by women's clothes. And to be fair, the actor who plays the like manager reacts, we work, we all worked in retail, we worked in the same retail. And we all dealt with this person at least once in our cry. Now we worked in a toy store, but at one point in my career, and at one point in all of our career, someone walked up and was like, excuse me, do you know that Brad Stahls are of the devil? And we did the same thing.

We were like, I totally understand where you're coming from. Look over there. Is that the Olsen twins, but they're young and, okay, bye bye. I'm doing it. Yeah. Yeah.

And again, like I can't emphasize this enough, this is when I'm really started to dig into me It's like this movie's messages. Ah back when women couldn't vote generally speaking neither could the blacks Rickets that's what this movie's message is like he gets this guy goes into the future And he's not like wow look at all of these fucking iron chariots moving in 80 miles an hour and shit It's it's what up what are these bras doing out here that's where this movie fucking stays the entire time our rickets isn't the post-colonic of this movie but it is the quote from a critic that they put on the front of the dvd against sky you know what i'm

saying like he but all record but that man i can away i could rape a white lady. I could seriously, you don't know what might happen. Well, and that's the thing is that he's like, that's what he's telling him. He's like, I think we all know that, displaying something like that will rouse impure thoughts in the youth. Like, yes, yes, that's the measure.

And again, now look, if somebody came from the 1890s and walked to a department store, they would probably go to the manager and say something like that. And that could be hilarious if you accept that that's a really stupid thing to think. Which is why it was hilarious. Well, right, but not consciously. It wasn't consciously hilarious because this movie is going like, yeah, back in the 1890s, where you had to pretend bras didn't exist.

Or that bras didn't exist or then bras didn't exist anyway We were brazen better there was before 1890 Excuse me I walked into the bathroom and I noticed that there was a sign there women who have their estrus or not Extructed to leave the village Do not have a giant cup that you make them wear sort of a half diaper half hatchery Trying to figure out this whole view. Where do you go to church? That's all I'm curious about. I'm a science teacher.

Yeah, right. Yeah. So he walks away dejected because nobody else is bitching about the bras or whatever. So then he goes back to see Eddie by Paul Rodriguez again, you know, I guess trying to elbow him into going to church. Yeah. And again, Paul Rodriguez is like, yeah, man, I'm just a good guy. Like, it's not how we think about goodness. In fact, it's not how, well, that little girl pointed out that like the ancient Greeks didn't think about goodness that way either.

But like, I'm just a guy who works at a laundry mat and I'm being nice to you because I think you're crazy. He's like, okay, but you need to go to church every day. Yeah, or else my monster will get you Well, and I love to the you know, it's not at all racist for the only Hispanic character in the movie to have the line Like I'm a good guy. I've never even been to prison. I would like a cookie or even been to prison. I would like a cookie. Really? Really? Slowly rolls up his arm, never been to prison tattoo.

Just saying, just saying, I keep that one on there for the lady. But again and again, this happens several times in the movie where he'll ask somebody, you know, are you Jesus, Jesus, Jesus? And they'll go like, no, no, but I'm a good person. And the movie's just like, you're supposed to be sitting at home going, you know, like that's where we're going.

That's the entire plot of this movie. It's not enough to be good. You also have to be Christian about it. Yeah. And then I guess this is where he reads, we have reading as Bible and he suddenly remembers the librarian chick via a very intrusive flashback that seems to frighten the actor Like they did the V.O. in the same room and as him and he was like oh fuck guys

He didn't tell me we're doing V.O. It's not why this is how this is usually done. Oh, I feel like that girl in 1989 1989 You just sneak up on someone like that the way you did in 1989 I hear a podcaster did a bunch of well researched As a bunch of evidence on that that he'll reveal next week Now that Donald Trump's guys have given up on the birth request We have something for him to do, yeah, so now he goes to the University Library to see the librarian that Norris told him about right before he got zap back in time. And I have to say I have kind of a thing for

librarians and this actress was not helping to dissuade that, you know. Yeah. She was like her wanted poster should be titled Holding Up Well for 50. She gets no wings on her Christian mingle page. She just opens it up every night. Ah Wow, I guess there's less people on this site than I thought. I hope She was in scanners by the way. I looked her up on IMDB. She was really. Yeah. Yeah. Well she looks here like she was time traveling from the 1980s and he was just going with the 89 they were like, oh get out of here. Cool. All right We're both doing that. Nice.

To be fair, she'd time traveled forward, but got stuck in a Maybelline vat for 30 days and then I had to apply her way out. So. Oh, I have as a appearance notice. Oh, she's a Christian, and I still want to spank that out over. So fuck you guys.

And her trapezoid-shaped body with shoulders. Looks like a Picasso painting of a man. Okay, I want to fuck those two, I guess. So yeah, no, that's fair. That's a hot librarian. So yeah, exactly. So yeah, and so basically like he's showing up to this librarian to complain that the church he went to wasn't enthusiastic enough. I so wanted him to go to a black church next, but Unfortunately, we get that just like jumping around screaming people catching the Holy Spirit. All right, I want somewhere in the middle

What is happening? And then she gets but she gets like paged by her secretary of secretary's like the stain is online one and he's like I notice you have a person in your box. Is it is it a genie? I'm catching on. Genie boxes takes out a piece of paper, writes down genie boxes, slowly puts it back into his pocket. Which would actually be more curiosity than this character ever shows as a scientist. So yeah, so and you know, so we get the hilarious, he thinks the phone is a person, thing, or whatever, and she invites him to have lunch with him sometimes so that we can revisit this character. And then this, where we get this, not at all racist scene, where he runs into the black

dude, the dormant. I was so sure he was going to call this guy boy and get his ass in. I would have bent life-changing amounts of money that he goes up and is like, boy, I say boy, I notice my shoes need a shine. And the guy's like, oh, you're gonna fall asleep with me on top of you, mister. You're gonna feel like it's 1989 and I'm a Christian. You're gonna go, brother. So he did that one. If we spread it out, I think

the lawsuit is going to be a little easier on both of them. That's what the Christian brother said. Listen quick, well, we're still here. That's what I lost trying to say folks So and then while he's having such a bad Tuesday So so he the the reason we have this thing though is so that we can see like as he's asking this guy Where a good restaurant is we see him hitting on some chick and Russell is offended and so am I because he's this asshole just yelling at some poor girl trying to walk by but of course Russell is offended for entirely the wrong reason. Excuse me sir, buy her first. He's grabbing the back of the guy's skull.

Do you feel these dimples? That's why you're doing this. That's why you're having trouble relating to women properly. Slaps him with a glove. Say. So, and this is where he's like, he's like, your wife would not appreciate you, saying such rude things to that woman or whatever. And he's like, oh, I'm divorced. And that's where we're gonna go with this. Like this is all about like him learning

that 50% of marriage is end in divorce today. Ooh. And I wrote, man, this is where people get out of unhappy relationships. It's terrible. Terrible, I say. Jesus Christ. So now he goes to this, this burger joint to mope over the lack of marital sanctity in the world today.

Yeah. And the service is so rude in this modern age where everyone has enough food and not milk legs. And again, we get this over and over again in this movie. This is so stupid. Modern age where everyone has enough food and not milk legs And again, we get this over and over again in this movie and this is so stupid He's like he's ordering food and she's like anything to drink and he'd first of all doesn't understand that drink goes with food for some reason And then he asks for tea and everybody's just like tea. Where a fuck did you come from asshole? Tea is not weird. No, we've had Tea's with it's a Boston tea party. It's no we've had tea teas with it's a Boston tea party so we've had

deeper ever we've had multiple kinds of tea I think she would blow with a fuck out of his mind with how many different kinds of tea she had she'd be like what do you want green tea ginger tea lemon tea and he'd be like holy fucking shit are you the queen so it's like crocodile dundee going to an alligator swamp instead of me and yeah, I was baffled by America What So and of course this scene exists so that he can over here to Young two teenage girls talking about going out and being sinful tonight and having alcohol right and it's so he turns around He's like excuse me young

ladies you shouldn't be drinking strong alcohol and I wrote in my notes women aren't allowed to drink and that's great this movie when it's so badly for that girl to punch him I wanted to flash him you know just like flash her tits at him real quick that would have been fucking awesome again crazy billionaire money that's happening Yeah, yeah, oh, and then we get that great comedy line at the end where they yell at him to chill out and then they storm out And they don't use any profanity and he goes perhaps you should be the party to chill out Oh, I wanted that to follow throughout the movie though like the after credit scene He just walks up to those girls with a pistol and shoots are in the chest Ceney just walks up to those girls with a pistol and shoots are in the chest

You know, I didn't show it out now That might be in there. We'll have to double check Crazy billionaire now it's time for the well a movie night with the church group Where we get all the hilarity of him trying to figure out how vans work and this is just so I guess Okay, so we get him like being over on at the majesty of the movie theaters This is just so, I guess, so we get him being over on at the majesty of the movie theaters. But I honestly, I feel like this scene, because they go to the movies and it's like the theater is just packed or whatever.

And I feel like the Cristiano Brothers just filmed this scene so they could see what one of those things looked like full. Looked in, this is crazy. Everyone here is under 90. Wow. It's crazy. There's not three old black women in a and a podcaster here. I Guess it's um

Guess it must be a weird free movie night Must be so and and of course this is where I and I'm sure that these guys feel like this is the money shot of the film This is where he rushes out of the theater and yelling stop the movie that man just blasphemed in the name of our Lord And I so wanted the person behind the the the counter just go shut your goddamn mouth Awesome again crazy billionaire money guys if ever there was a movie that made it worth some philanthropist donating a billion dollars to us This is the movie come on come on Elon Musk, we know you listen and sorry, Uber's not doing super well now, but it's just a phase. We can't wait for the self-driving cars

and you can begin our atheist movie empire. There you go, there you go. People are gonna need something to listen to and watch while they're in space. You get obviously. So yeah, so everyone rightly treats them like an insane person and then we go to this I guess this is like the after movie social at the church. Yeah, yeah, and they're like trying to cheer him up They're like hey bud. You all bummed out by the fact that words aren't magic here You're bummed out and he's like hmm. You want to take a poop and mr. Maggie shoes? You want to take a poop in Mr. Maggie's shoes? Right, exactly. I wrote my notes.

Perhaps this midnight cowboy was not the film for us to go see. And I love to, okay, so this is where we're going to meet our villains. Yeah, the husbands of the two ladies, and they look like, like, diabolical squash players in the scene. It's very, very strange. They look like they're about to find out that Brandon Frazier's a Jew. And the wives are hilarious to me too. They look like Janet and Chrissy from Three's Company. Oh, fuck they do.

They have no idea what decade it is now. Now they don't know what what year it is now. Right. they don't know what, what year it is now. Right, yeah, usually in a time travel movie, the anachronisms come when you're in a different part of time. Yeah, in this fucking movie, they didn't even know now. Amazing. Also, one of them is a science teacher, and he's like, I am a science teacher

where I come from, I'm not a space alien, and she's like, hey, you're a stranger who we just learned is terrified of movies, you should come to my room full of children. It sounds like a good idea to everyone here. Yeah, right, right, yeah, completely unvedited stranger that just showed up at your church and acts like an insane person, might as well have him come to a public school to talk to people about, well, Jesus obviously. And by the way, this is the first of many times where this movie makes the effort to suck its own dick where it's like, basically, the main character sit and they're going like, oh, only all the movies were made

by the Cristiano brothers. There would never be any blasphemy in there. I'm just planting that seed now. It will blossom very soon. Yes. So, and then of course, he tells him like i work at such and such bible seminarian the evil squash players wander off to go like and seminary doesn't exist let's get him why would they be doing this there's no reason they're like let's get to the

bottom of this horribly boring plot point and that's the reason the movie that's like the driving force behind what's gonna happen now right i mean look maybe they're reasonably suspicious because this guy is afraid of movies and said he's from a thing that doesn't exist anywhere right but there's that's not a reason to be like let's follow him home you want to break into his hotel as we will do in a couple of scenes do you want to break and enter let's run him through one of them's a cop so he's like why don't you run him through the system down at the station yeah because Oh yeah, whatever Anyway, so now we go to him do it. He's at his hotel and he's looking outside and he sees kids sinning

Um, and I love this scene too. Just very brief camera work note Um, there's these kids like hanging out smoking cigarettes or whatever on the street corner and they he reaches down into his pocket first pocket watch and the camera follows it and I so expected him to be jerking off when the camera man. Look everything suggested he was about to start stroking it because of the sinful passions that the the kids had originally in him but yeah anyway. Might out here was those children should be dead of scurvy. Yeah right.

Mine was they should be home smoking weed but but you know, anyway, everybody has to raise their kids their own way. Why are they not working in the mines? Yeah, right. So now we're back to the bad husbands, who shall lay their plans against him. And they reasonably have a discussion of, hey, this guy is using a per dead person's name and with fake locations and since we are seeing grownups in the year 2002 and time travel isn't real, that is suspicious to us.

Right. It's madness. They're like, all right, well I know a guy at the CIA in NASA, maybe I can get a satellite feed of this guy. What the hell do you care? Yeah, yeah, exactly. And like, well, we'll get there get there again but this gets more and more bizarre as the fucking movie goes but they just establish and now like let's follow around

and stuff because we have nothing in our tiny little lives um but you know uh uh uh uh obviously that'll be important later so now we get to the high school where he's going to teach a class you know this unvetted weird guy from church is gonna teach a class in the public school and I wanted him to start off right at the beginning like, why is this class miscellernated? Well, he opens with, I cannot talk to you about science. Wait, why am I here? I'm confused. Yeah, and of course he starts immediately going all Bible on the students.

Right, he says the same quote of like the scripture must match the science and she Very appropriately is like no, no, no, no, we don't do that because we have a whole we're better now The movie plays it like someone's gonna throw acid in him like he said the name of James And look the teacher reacts appropriately she takes way too long to shut them up but she reacts appropriately she takes them outside but when she has to like read them the riot act they can't actually address the real issue because yes what he did was way beyond the bounds of anything you're allowed to do in a public school he says to these fucking public school students

well the science disagrees with the bible the science is wrong but they can't say in this movie well you can't lie to kids and pretend that the bible lies up with science so they have to have her say you're not allowed to express religious views to students in a school i'm gonna have to persecute you into not doing that right exactly i need you to sign this paper that says god is dead they make everyone walks into the school do it I don't know why you hadn't filled your account. Is that hercules?

Yes. Debate this black guy. I'm not. He's already crying. And he's already crying loose. And now we get the bad husband who have at this point literally broken into this character's hotel room to check out his shit. What? What are we supposed to think is motivating these fucking characters?

They're pissed at him for being an asshole about the movie so they break into his fucking house? Is there a history of time traveling swindlers coming through this town and the cops are a big problem in the alley? It's a big problem in the fuck. Unbelievable. And then of course they find the big clue right like where they open his Bible and there's this really big Fakie signature and date from like 1865 or whatever from his mom My my theory by the way on this is captain's thubing like fuck their wives and then poof that existence Oh, okay, yeah, cuz I mean he was there. Yeah.

That makes sense. We need a prequel. That's what I need. Well, I think it's pretty clear that this movie needs a minute to figure out the fuck it's doing. So we're going to pause for another quick break. But before we do, let me give act three, the hard sell here. Will Russell bother to figure out what we did about the polio?

Will Paul Rodriguez factor into this movie in any way? Will the hot dog stealing bitch ever get what's coming to her? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the fucktarded conclusion of... Time Changers Hi, it's me again, Andrew Torres. I just listened to the first half and I thought I'd point out, again, just for clarity that any statements being made about the Cristiano brothers in this show are a joke.

Any of them, by any member of the cast, by anyone at all, but especially Eli. They're jokes, humor, jokes, like this one that I'm about to tell. Hey, you ever notice that Thumbs only come in a roll of 12? Who only needs 12? Probably lawyers for other podcasts, that's who. And now, back to the show. So, Professor Luzon's, welcome back. Oh, my God, am I back in 1890? Yes. So, you see what I was talking about. Of course. Well, as you would suspect, I've memorized as much

science and mathematics as I can. Did you learn about vaccines while you were there? Vaccines? Oh, good. Now, we should learn about vaccines while you were there? The vaccines? Oh, good. Now, we should compare notes to make sure we didn't learn too many things in common, but I have memorized as much medical information as I could. Just think Anderson, polio, gone, scurvy, gone, so many of the world's ill's gone.

You are a genius, my good man. Yeah, of course, yeah. You didn't, so you didn't just spend the whole time being super surprised and upset that people aren't way into Jesus. No, no, of course not. Also, I'm not sure I fully grasp the internal combustion engine, but if I write what I remember now slowly, but surely I know we shall assemble a hundred years of advance in what will only be a day. Do you go now? Um, yeah, in a second. So wait, you didn't like give a speech at a church or complain about mannequins? No, no, don't worry my friend, I wasn't distracted by anything as stupid as that. Yes, the culture was odd, but what kind of monster would focus on that rather

than bringing back as much life-saving technology as possible? Right totally Toats McGoats. Yeah, so so what did you learn? We must discuss oh tons of stuff I just gonna I'm gonna jump into the future real quick because I totally did all that too I just but I wanted to remember One thing so I'm just gonna I'm just gonna jump in real quick.

Sure, of course. What a great guy. Okay, okay, I'm back. Babies don't come out of your butthole. And we're back for more breakdown. When we last saw our hero, he was being scolded for trying to indoctrinate school kids with his flagrantly falsifiable biblical nonsense. So now he's gonna go commiserate with the librarian lady and it's gonna open with the line and I simply mentioned the Bible I meant no harm by it and for not the first time since we've been doing this I wrote in my notes no movie we saw you Why would you lie about what happened to scenes ago? I can rewind and you know this Well, what's incredible about this is like the amount of lies they have to tell slash not addressing the things that he says

To sort of get away with it because there's this great moment when he goes well And they've banned prayer from schools and she's like I can't say yes because they haven't but it's no longer mandatory so I can see what he means they don't they don't push he foot around about that lie at all she she literally says we can't teach the bible or pray in school anymore. But both of those things are wrong as fuck. Yeah, took the Bible as literature in school and I went to school, you know, pretty close to when this movie was made.

Right. Right, exactly. And yeah, and of course you can fucking pray in school. What you can't do is force kids to pray. But of course the movie can't really bitch about that, which is what they're really upset about, because even they would recognize how bad they would be. These, keep in mind, these are people who are perfectly okay, making a movie where they don't even address the polio thing while they're back in time, or whether the future is shit. But even they can't get around like having somebody upset

that they can't force kids to be Christian. Yeah, again, it's so amazing because this entire scene is just a series of him pretending not to understand and her being like totally, totally, that's what happened. It's weird how my morality and the morality of someone from a hundred years ago matches up I'm a monster Oh, I just figured it out. I'm a monster. Can we stop making the movie and can I change my whole life? No, no all right keep rolling So and what's what what I love is again They have to have this conversation about how people think it's enough to just be a good person without being a Christian. You know, again, she asked us to be like, what's worth the worst thing is is that people aren't any worse morally speaking without Jesus.

And that's bad because that tricks them into believing that they don't need Jesus to be a good person. What? Yeah. And then she confesses that she used to do porn, but her asshole blew out, right? That's what that's really clearly. porn but her asshole blew out right that's very clearly There's no other way to interpret that all she says she's like I was in in the movie industry and we're like yeah, we know We know yeah, she looks like a retired 80s porn star named Maxine headroom Please don't give me a Jesus pamphlet in a website called the new drug. Just please I get it you didn't have a good time give me a Jesus pamphlet in a website called the new drug. Just please I get it. You didn't have a good time.

Yeah, but we learned that she quit her sinful job in the movie industry because her friend found Jesus. Um, and now that because of that awesome thing, she works in a library and has an impotent husband. That's what we learn right now. Yeah, and she also has this way protest too much moment where she's like, yeah, my friend was like, hey, you want to swap out life for Jesus? I was like, let me get a bite of that KitKat bar. Oh, oh, and by the way, my life is super meaningful now. Super meaningful.

Turns to camera. Super meaningful, Alan. Super meaningful. All right, yeah, she said, yeah, she says, no, no, I love being a librarian because it gives me so many chances to push my religion on people Um, but this is where the movie really starts like winking in itself, you know where it's like she's like, you know I believe that secular entertainment is one of the biggest tools that Satan uses to mislead people if only all the movies were made by the

Cristiano brothers she might as well say that in the fucking script. Yes Really really that is what she says Christian movies are the best turn to camera wink. I just I wanted like Christiano brothers calm to flash across the screen. She's right, you know, Jesus was not a Jew.org flashes across the screen. We raped a girl in 1989, flashes across the screen. Do not go to that website. Do not. I mean, go to that website, but show it to your kids right away.

Like, type it in, show it to your kids. So yeah, so she teaches him that like Satan tricked Hollywood into not making movies all about Jesus anymore, and that's why people use swear words. And she's like, well, when movies started out, it was all super Christian. And I wrote in my notes, citation needed. I've seen some old porn, some old porn. Like pretty much the moment we catch anything in a new form of technology, we're like, quick, people fucking in front of that. There are no way to get people doing it.

I want it on it. That new medium now. And also, they're lamenting that like movies aren't like the way they were when we first started movies like only good stuff Like birth of a nation was allowed on screen back then really that's the message you're gonna. Okay This is also where we get the line that fear is the beginning of wisdom and I wrote in my notes math motherfuckers of wisdom and I wrote in my notes, math motherfuckers! Unbelievable. So now we get a visitation night at the church, but we open that up, but first we have to I guess cut over to the evil squash husbands plotting some more.

Yeah, they're so crazy. They're doing late night detecting, they're smoking cigarettes, hard boiled detectives, and they found records about all the people from the grace Bible seminary somewhere on the internet. I don't know. Their theory is that Russell stole the identity of a professor who are laughing at you guys. What? What? Well, that's the fucked up thing about this.

This is how little they thought this through, right? Because, okay, if you think, because you're right, it would be suspicious if you found out that this guy is pretending to be this person from the 1890s and not telling you who he really is. But you wouldn't then go examine the person from the 1890s he's pretending to be. No, that is completely irrelevant.

Let's make sure he's not still alive. That's what I, the first step in detecting. And then this is a literal line two. One of them's like, okay, well, he stole the identity of Professor in the 1890s, but what's his agenda? Why would he do that? And I just wrote, I'm not even going to wait for a response. I'm going to go

fuck myself. I'll just jingle my own keys. Thank you very much. I got these ones. That's okay. I'll take care of it. There's also this fantastic moment. We're like, yes He's supposed to have stolen the idea of this professor, but like at no they they they're like, hey is the pastor ready? And he's like, oh he's ready. Yeah, we're supposed to think that some sort of Trap is about to be sprung, but

Spoiler alert there is no trap. No, it's just So we're in a moment. They refer to this They like pre-sage this the the plan that they've got to get him a couple of times here And when we get there. Yeah, there's absolutely nothing like well We could arrest him for not being from the 1890s, but but but but Tom go one of them goes like oh, I have a better idea Tantan time this motherfucker's gonna try and vote in the Civil War. I got all those times right. And so now we get him going door to door to sell the church with some dude.

That Andy Dalton. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, exactly. And of course, before they go into the house, he's like, oh, well, here on this card that these people filled out It says they're very interested in going to our church So this should be easy because should we pray before we enter and the Christian guy is like fuck prayer Well, he's like hey, we prayed back at the church. We're probably fine

He's like oh, I'm sorry. Do you not pray before you enter every building like a fucking harpy? Sorry, I also need to be invited in and make sure there's no garlic in there. Oh, sorry, wrong myth. Wrong myth. No, and I get that they were making a point with this, you know, because we're going to get a disrespectful kid here who's like won't turn down the TV or whatever. But they let this linger for quite a while where we're watching this scene and we've got these characters talking, but the TV is on so loud in the background that you can barely make up what they're saying.

And they let that run for like a minute and a half for us. Yeah. The kid won't turn down the TV, the kid won't turn down the TV, and finally he walks over to the kid and I wrote in my notes. Please walk over and be like, William? Because his name is William. I wouldn't be like, William, I will fuck you sideways. You don't have to have goddamn television. You hear me William? Oh, where you like a goddamn glove, William? Glove where were you in 1909 William? Well, if you would read enough papers at that time, you would know the people involved in this movie No, exactly how to make someone your age

age. So yeah, but but what's really happening here is that he's got to go over there to talk to the kid so he can realize that the kid is watching apparently porn for women. Just a couple about to kiss and like a shitty romantic comedy. Yeah, right, right. Exactly. And he sees this couple kissing on TV and he's like, how dare this married couple let a children see them kissing and the kid goes, they're not married and then he really freaks the fuck out. And it's so funny. Like, it reacts like if I saw,

if on that screen was like a woman about to suck a dick, I would be less alarmed. I might be like, hey champ, I don't think we should be watching that, but I wouldn't be like, oh, I'm most blocked here. Let me just, here I will crush myself on top of this television. Rather I die than you see this. So yeah, he freaks the fuck out. And then he goes back to the hotel to really check out this whole TV thing. And I honestly expected the next scene to just be him tying a news and carving you know fucking Carlisle was here onto a rafter or something but it's so good because he watches TV and we see it reflected

on his face and he's like oh and it really I just want of if I could have anything I just want someone to intercut those like Vietnam flashbacks in with him watching the TV because that's exactly it looks like he's having flashbacks and I wrote my notes oh Carlisle don't worry about it man most of that is just saltwater and cornstarch being flicked off a paintbrush just fine dude really she is oh I love it yeah no that that's what I would intercut is just the sounds of people fucking on the on the TV as we watched them But yeah, but no he has to pray for forgiveness from Jesus for the Paris Hilton burger commercial or whatever And and at this point okay

Whatever minor ridiculously stupid stakes this movie had are gone He now agrees with Norse he agrees with captain Captain Stubing. He can go back and nothing has to have like we have fixed even that one little stupid thing that we were supposed to give his shit about and there's still like a half hour of this goddamn movie. So now we go to the we go back to the husbands where you know the way they're on the phone or the ones guys like if you've seen anything that would remotely justify the bizarre level of interest That we've randomly taken in this guy the other guys like nope not a god damn thing. He's like a time traveler Can I throw that out there man you keep saying that I'm just saying I feel like if someone were watching I would communicate that

I'm suspicious of him being a time traveler As well as weird stuff like he's from 189 we had had a case just like this back in 85. Dude almost fucked his mom. He's a tragic stuff. Trajic, tragic stuff. And literally one of the evil squash guys, trailed Russell through town. What? I don't know, to look at him marvel over water and stuff.

They might as well be analyzing his bulk metadata from the 1890s, so stupid. Right. And then, and of course, this is where we get another illusion to the plan where it's like, you know, he's like, well, have you enacted the plan? He's like, yeah, it's all set up with Pastor Burton. And they go like, I think it's time we had a little talk with Mr. Carlyle before the service. And I'm like, wait, no, then you think before the service is the time to have a little talk with Mr. Carlyle, that sentence doesn't talk with him before and after. And now text him.

What does it now mean? We've been having a lot of trouble with that today. Slowly looks at his hand and it's just written on his hand now equals now. He's like, he's like, he's like, go on. So now Russell heads back to go meet with his librarian, Cougar, but unfortunately she's gone until Friday and he'll be gone on Wednesday. And I guess the, this is the whole reason for this goddamn scene.

So he turns around and he sees this display that says, travel back in time with our new microfiche spectacular about this town, but way back in 1890. Carlisle, learn how you die. He's a rocket. Yes, exactly. Also, can we talk about, he goes up to the librarian and he's like, is Ms. Bayne here?

And she's like, no, I'm sorry, she had to go. And he's like, can you tell her? And then he recites like a 95 line letter. And she very, because I've been a personal assistant and she very clearly does that like, no, I'm sorry, she had to go. And he's like, can you tell her? And then he recites like a 95 line letter. And she very, because I've been a personal assistant and she very clearly does that like, mm-hmm. I'll tell you you said hi. Yeah, right. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Oh no, I'm remembering your message. I'm remembering your message. And memorize, yep, I'll remember it forever. So, and of course, we, so he's gonna get on this computer to check out old articles so that he can be tempted to learn about his own future. But first, of course, we have to establish how he knows how to use a computer. So we get this character named Greg. Oh, Greg is my favorite. He's the funniest thing I've ever seen.

You're talking about Sugar Ray. We'll have some with the some of the vice who works at the slide right he looks like he's he looks like he's opened and closed a failed jazz skateboard in Poinion so many times Glasses those tiny sunglasses John on a cartoon character. I've never seen them cartoon character I've never seen them on a cartoon character. Well, and he clearly wants to suck a few wine coolers out of that dude's beard. Like there's clearly some sexual tension in this scene. And yeah, so he finally literally used the computer and the guys like, yeah, just type in the name of any person who's past you want to learn about right there.

So he types in his own name and then he like holds his finger over the return key like a goddamn sniper back I sniper in action movie or whatever. I really wanted Christopher Lloyd to just burst in here again Just slapped the keyboard out of his hand driving no money. It's no for us. Oh Also a little behind the scenes thing but as we mentioned occasionally on these shows I don't know how to spell it all and this is the first time he spells Carlisle on the screen. And I was like, is that how you spell Carlisle? Carsticle? Cancer cycle? Jesus, spelling's hard. Just throughout this Carlisle, for me, is C-A-R-L-Y-L-E. That's how I've spelled Carlisle throughout my notes. And he is, is just like, there's 26 letters on us. I didn't even read it. I didn't recognize

that he was looking himself up because I was like, what's the call? What's that curly shaped little thing next to the end of the word? Carlyle comma? Is that a word? I don't know what that is. Crazy shit over here. So yeah, but now he he starts to look himself up, but then he thinks better of it, So yeah, but but now he he starts to look himself up, but then he thinks better of it, which means Nothing happened in that scene at all at all so Part for the course on this fucking movie So now he's heading into church and this is where the the squash husbands are gonna like have their talk with him Right, and they're basically like so we know all about your little experiment.

And he's like, gentlemen, I don't know why you hate Jesus, but I am not an alien or a criminal, not an alien or a criminal. All right, excuse me. This no such. Yeah. They like drop some names from the 1800s that he's supposed to know. And then they're like, smile and wink at each other is I mean what what if they did believe he's a time traveler what was just accomplished who what how they didn't believe he was a time traveler right even less right yeah why would this even rattle the is he worried they're gonna like think he's from a time machine invented in the 1800s that hasn't been created since nothing matters here.

No! Zero Space in the movie. Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. Yeah, and again, if they didn't strongly suspect him of being a time traveler, if they actually thought that he just picked some old guy's name to use, would they think that that guy would also know the people who were the co-workers of the character that he still... Anyway, yeah. Makes no goddamn sense.

So now is time for Wednesday night service, which is fucking packed, apparently. And wouldn't you know it? The preacher calls on Russell to do a problem on the blackboard or whatever. This is the plan, right? The squash husband came up with to talk the preacher and to asking Russell to deliver a sermon. Yeah, I would like to invite a stranger to come up here and do the sermon today. This is part of a plan trap, apparently. Arrive for pie. Which and clearly Russell like knew it was coming and came prepared or whatever.

And despite this, the evil husbands for this entire scene are going to just stand at the back of the church with their arms folded like Winking at each other and like, oh, we got him good. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? say I'm a time traveler. I come from a simpler time. I'm a simple caveman Bible scholar. Now, you've got to shut up. There's also this incredible woman. He goes, look, my, my, the where I'm from has problems too, like a huge infant mortality rate. You guys swear. So like, listen, I got to shift to say. Yeah, exactly, exactly. So yeah, let me tell you how to do it right. And right, yeah, and of course this is where he like throws out that like surely this must

be the end times. So yes, 2002 was the end times this movie. Yeah, and we also get like a 20 minute pan shot of just horribly ugly people in this church. Everyone looks like they just spend like a bunch of time more than they expected, chopping at Walmart and their kind of things. And the whole crux of this is don't funk with the Lord's heart. And then he wraps up with, look, sorry to be a downer, but we're all going to live forever, and the infinitely larger percentage of that will be either burning in fire or walking

around with harps talking to grandma. So drop the mic. Yeah right right yeah let me warn you that the devil hides in your radio and then I'm off. So turn your ass out for Jesus. But we'll turn your ass out for Jesus for that's why not just turn your ass out Yeah, so this was apparently the planet. I wanted so bad for one of the husbands in the back to go Got your mother fucker We have no idea what they expected to happen here like he was gonna get up there and go I just want to tell you guys. I'm a time-drawler fuck off As he was stepping off stage he steps into a bear trap just

Oh, they got caught as he was stepping off stage he steps into a bear trap just They just put him in the people zoo Sting operation, there's a camera there and there. No, nothing happened. Yeah, right. It's a comes out Come on have a seat now. Do you know what time you're from do you know what time you're from? Looks as and now Cool, now do you know what you're the girl said she was from hmm she said she was from 1989 oh wrong people I'm looking for the

directors look at the directors so now I guess now it's time for it because it was Wednesday night and that's what time they established yet to be back in the alley to go back to the pastor whatever so but before you can go back in time he has to go say goodbye to Eddie.

Remember Eddie, who was in this room movie for no god damn reason? Yes, Eddie. So he goes to give Eddie a Bible, and it's a Spanish Bible because Eddie is brownish. Keep in mind, he has no reason to believe that Eddie speaks Spanish at this point in the movie. Yeah, also he is an amazing one. He goes, Eddie, I want you to have my clothes and Eddie's like, no, no thanks man. You very clearly came in that

and there's such a cool thing about me wearing it. And he's like, well, then give it to someone who needs it. Cause he's such a good guy. Yeah, exactly. And this is where I was hoping he'd forget to change suits because you can't bring stuff back and he'd just go back to 1890 and he could like the terminator like your same before. I'm sure that's what Norris was hoping for. Yeah, I'm sure that's in this whole plot because keep my Norris only has to wait a second.

Yeah. Oh, you showed up with clothes on. Well, this was a waste. How was the future? Yeah, right. I don't know. I spent most of it yelling at people about the same stuff I could yell at people about today. Yeah, right. We've always been yelling at people about. Kind of be a little silly though because we're going to tell people that the world will end any minute. And now we know they got at least 100 years. You're right. You motherfuckers are fine.

Don't prepare for shit. Yeah. And of course, now he's got to like before he leaves, he's got to like convert Paul Rodriguez to Christianity. So he starts to leave and then he's like, no, you know what I need to tell you, the end times are coming now up to this Moment this character Paul Rodriguez's character has acted like this is just some crazy person, right? But what convinces him he's not crazy is his end is nice speech

That's the the thing if you were just drawing a comic and you needed to establish Gaya's crazy, the thing you would put on his placard is the thing that convinces Eddie that this guy is perfectly sane. Yeah. And this is also where he explains that Jesus was the only one that lived a perfect life. And I wrote my notes, including the time he yelled at that tree, especially the time

he yelled at that tree. That tree was asking for it. Look, should five minutes of Jesus' life ruin the rest of his legacy? No. So yeah, but I guess what Eddie really needed was for somebody to read him the last panel of a Chick-Track this whole time. Because he's going like, he says, the character goes like,

wow, nobody's ever explained it to me that way. Before, the exact same way that every Christian always fucking explains their religion word for word no one's ever done that Full show. I'm really gonna read this book before I wasn't but now I'm gonna read this really long boring genealogy Trust me yeah Can this is we got to see these really reading it so I Exactly speak Bible chapter one I think, can this is, we gotta see they's really reading it. So as he is. Exactly. Speak Bible, chapter one.

Great. Thank you. So now he's, he's walking to the alley, but the squash husbands are following right behind him. Yeah, music note here, Hurley Watson, Moriarty's getting away. Yeah, that's the right. Again, the music takes itself so seriously in this and so do the guys

they're like proceeding with caution around corners to like he's gonna shoot him right what the fuck it's like the world's worst Scooby-Doo episode literally like he hides behind a corner and like they're gone and he pops out and then they pop out and it's like like you know you can just turn around and be like, what are you doing? Yeah, um, following you. No, this literally, we were one step away from them, ending up in a hallway with a lot of doors and popping out of them randomly. Yeah, we almost went there.

Um, and I wrote my nose on, like at first, with this, see, in first, first I was like what is Russell afraid that they're gonna do But then I'm like wait what are they gonna do because these two guys look like they have a gimp They own a man that's in a box somewhere. Yeah So I guess he can't out fox them so they catch up with him in the alley so that we can have this final Showdown between these two characters whose motivation has never been remotely established Showdown between these two characters whose motivation has never been remotely established Well, they're gonna arrest him for identity theft of an 1890s Oh, I see like you do

When you're a cop and I love okay, so and this is where the movie I guess thought it was getting clever Or something because okay, so he's he's like you know the cops are like where I'm gonna rest you unless you tell me What's going on right now And he thinks about it and then he like he has this like obvious like light bulb goes off moment And he's like I'm here because Jesus is coming back to earth right this very moment What's this cartoon graphic that popped up over my head? I'm so confused by this Look these guys will totally believe me if I say I'm a messenger from Jesus. It's the perfect ruse Everyone falls for that one

And by the way, lying is a sin. He's gonna go to hell for that and then he gets zapsured away Apparently and I feel like the entire movie existed Just so that the fucking characters could throw down that next line. Yeah, did we just miss the rapture? Oh, yeah, they thought of this scene and made a feature length movie to build up to this. Exactly, to build up to this hilarious god damn line with the dude's squash husbands after he disappears. And if you think about how far they over there are shoulder to scratch

their ass, they had to go to get here. Keep in mind, like, he was making an excuse to disappear. Yeah. He didn't, you don't have to, like, he's, he was gonna disappear one way or the other. He doesn't, he could have just been like, okay, I'll tell you, it all started back on Tuesday

when he disappeared, yeah, right. No. It's not like, it's not like at the end of Jango where he has to figure out how to get away from the fucking slave traders or whatever and get back to his wife or anything. And he, it comes up with a clever ruse. He just starts lying to them and they kind of half-ass Believer shim or whatever and then yeah, right. It's amazing how bad these guys

And that is the only way which this movie is different from Django and change The end Don't you So we're not quite because we have to get the wrap up the whole the whole plot line with Norse So now he's back in 1890 his first observation He runs up to when he's like you're right Norse. There's not enough Jesus He's not like could you believe those fucking cars and computers and shit and cell phones in the medicine? No his fucking his first observation is yeah, he sure didn't have enough Jesus. Yeah. And he

goes, man, they so didn't have enough Jesus. Do you think maybe the world ends in 2001? Maybe, wink at camera. Maybe. Thanks, profilitization machine that happens to use time. No, right. Yeah, the 1890s would be better than now. That is the goddamn movie's message. But yeah, but he asks him at the end, he's like, have you ever tried to see how far into the future you could go to see when the rapture was?

And captain's doing is like, no, because that would be stupid. I mean, even when the rapture was, that wouldn't stop time, right? You just be... Does time end after the rapt, like the actual progression of time? Yeah, I think so.

I think so, because look at me, I understand very little about time. Very little. Chicks' other hand, just run on their time equals and then a clock face Now equals time So now we're now we go back to the League of Extraordinary General men Because apparently he's revised his manuscript. I'd love to know when he fucking did this because apparently supposed to be the next day But okay, he says please excuse my tardiness and I guess that was okay to say because it was 1890, but like, not cool.

Not cool. And I love this moment too. Okay, so they go like, because originally the title of this book was our changing times. So the guy goes, hey, I noticed you changed the title from our changing times to time changer. Why would you do that?

And then they get in the way that it throws out the line, well, I think it's important that we change our time rather than letting our time change us or whatever, something like that. But anyway, the way to do that with the name and change of the book is not our changing times to time-shajords, our changing times to changing our time. And those assholes couldn't think of that. Nope. These fucking idiots just like got a silver fucking platter form him and they couldn't grab it apparently. Now is not, now is now is time. Notice it changed the title of your book to Jesus is the only thing that matters.

Dot dot dot, the only thing. You hear me Samantha from 2002, your hot dog stealing bitch. So speaking of which now now we get them like happening across marble boy. Now you'll remember we'll call it the beginning of the movie the kids stole the marbles and this character found him and said Hey, it's very bad to steal marbles now He's gonna go correct the fact that he didn't add because Jesus says so Oh, yeah, wrap the shit out of that plot. Yeah, has anyone ever explained to you who Jesus is and the kids like nope It's 1890 the church has no power in the

uh... uh... and you know what that means it means he has to go back further in time to win the picture it's was really in power i get it and i also like this is just some kid it's that he we're not so we haven't established that he knows this can didn't even know the kids name at the beginning of the movie so he has no idea if this kids jewish there were a lot of them around before 1930. So we completely ignored that. That's true, allegedly.

To be sure. Yeah. And apparently we've not yet suffered enough because now we've got to go back to the time machine where the Norris is sending the Bible into the future like an apocalyptic dipstick. This is what's so amazing. He's trying to. What we see him doing is like, all right, let's try the year two thousand eighty

you ran out of sun juice uh... the only reason this time machine could not be working is because there is no future beyond two thousand and two i wanted to try to zap the bible back once and find out that there's more than six thousand years of history also uh... than 6,000 years of history also. I mean like, no, it's broken, it's broken, it's fine. It's weird.

Machine must be broken, he went to 6,000 and two, but that would just be... Yes, that's the... Oh man, did I just send God the Bible? Hahaha. Just hanging out, bansing on a crossball against nothingness, being like, oh, someone sent me my book. Awesome. I knew that was going to happen.

And also, I love... Did you, did I did I you guys watch the credits on this yeah where they played some of the audio from the movie over the credits? Yes, that is the weirdest decision I have ever witnessed in credits They're not out takes though. They're in takes. They just played in takes during the credits That's how much this movie sucks its own dick. Is that it's like, seat notice how prophetic the beginning of our movie was to the end of our movie. Right. And I mean, look, I get it. These people believe in the new testament.

It's like, yeah, you read the old book and you matched up your new book, Clever. Ha, ha, ha. Unfuck it real. So, all right, yeah, the moral of this story, people are getting better at being moral, but worse at being Christian and that shit needs to change. Is that it?

Is that the moral that we're supposed to walk away with? Mm-hmm, pretty sure. Or, damn, do I miss the rickets? It's one of the other. Well, obviously, we can't risk applying stars to this movie for fear that the stellar radiation will overload the Chrono transistor diode circuits, so rather than using a numeric rating system, I'll simply ask you this. What is the dumbest use of a time machine you can think of that would still be smarter

than the use we see for it in this movie? Hmm. Okay, long car trips or waiting for the conditioner to work? Yeah, speed some stuff up. I'm going to go with going back in time to accuse yourself of farting. It was me. Psh! Ha!

Ha! Ha! I hate me. Oh, shit. And while that does it for our review on TimeChanger, that's not gonna do it for the episode just yet, because we still need to tickle your tummy over next week's show. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well, we decided to give Andrew two hard weeks in a row.

So we're watching back just in case this week doesn't get us sued. Yes, we are. Andrew Wakefield's anti-vaccine documentary. Yeah. But I would rape to girl in 1989. I would say. He was right there with just young I Will frame that please Andrew

I've been me a letter Now I gotta say I've been looking into this one because honestly the anti-vaccine movement pisses me off as much as religion. I've done a lot, I mean, this is a real big passion for me. So I've been dying to rip this to fucking shreds as soon as I heard that it was going to eventually exist. So, oh yeah. I've really been looking forward to next week. Hope you are, too. So if we're with that, to look forward to, we're gonna bring episode 58 to a merciful close.

Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful, and thereby earn early access to an ad free edition of every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoy the show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating atheists, and the skeptic crowd available on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever else podcasts live.

If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email Godoff on movies at gmail.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slatt, Neck of Evil, Drafts on Mars, and was used with permission. If you like, wait here, here, more by following the link on the show notes to this episode. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen, right, Neelye Bosnick. I'm Noah Illusion's Promise and to work harder on another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the Breakfast club clothes. Thanks to Satan and his secular morality scheme, the end times happened in 2008, also 2012, and 2014, and after Obertsell in 2015 and Jade Helm and now and now Norris went on to murder Sarah Connor

The Cristiano brothers raped a girl in 1989 Wink Wink to everything Wink The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2016, all rights reserved.